#sometimes there is no boundary crossed and the answer is just fuck off! they dont need a reason!

[peripateticavian]

Something I've had to learn is how to explain that I feel guilt and rejection sensitive dysphoria WITHOUT putting those feelings onto the other person. I don't need to tell someone how it feels to experience that because it's not their business what my internal reactions are that are unrelated to the purpose of their communication.

What is their business is a quick "Hey, I understand I've trespassed a boundary. Would it be acceptable to offer to make amends, or should I back off?" And then fuck off if they don't want to be around you. Don't say "I feel guilty for this", because that's for you to process on your own time. Someone enforcing a boundary doesn't make you a victim.

"UwU I'm a little freak online! I can't talk to anyone because them choosing to not play with me will make me die inside!” That's not a brag. That's a reason to get some mental health counseling, and there's nothing shameful about needing counseling but for the love of god feel shame *privately* or find a process group to feel shame about whatever self persecuting crap to which my eyes were just exposed.

Btw when someone says "don't talk to me like that, I don't know you" the normal thing to do is apologize for the perceived overfamiliarity and correct the behavior. Just in case anyone was wondering

[memeticsdivision]

the oc ask game!!!! fenris! 13, 15, 30, 36, 42, 50, 55

AHHH

ok :)

[13] What kind of sense of humor do they have, if any?

i actually answered this one before! you can read here :)

[15] How do they act around people they don't like?

honestly, very dismissive and a little cold if you’re observant. fenris likes to Think its hard to make him dislike you when it is actually very very easy. he's very picky about who he likes, which is not great when he also prefers to be alone, have his own space, and avoid literally any human connection. if you, say, cross his boundaries, thats an instant downvote. so once he’s made the decision of This Person Sucks, he’ll stonewall them a lot and try to avoid them as much as possible. he’ll try and put up a nice facade to cater to the idea of politeness, but he isn’t good at masking his dislike of things and ends up coming off as condescending. basically if he's avoiding you a lot and just going "uh huh" at everything you say he does not like you if you're cernunnos though its On Sight.

[30] What are their most healthy and most unhealthy coping mechanisms?

GOD WHAT A QUESTION SJDFGASJF the whole story is basically SPAWNED from his unhealthy coping mechanisms . for healthy ones, i'd say probably how he sometimes copes with his chronic insomnia. he frequently avoids or is woken up from sleep because of his almost daily Very Bad nightmares of The Night His Parents Fucking Died, so when he is he'll either go on a walk or put the tv on to clear his head so he can sleep. not dreaming or getting his brain to dream of something else via sound of tv is like the ideal and it occasionally works Unhealthy Ones . literally everything else. fenris represses all of his issues and disorders and pretends they dont exist, avoids all human connection and interacting much with Society and Doing Fun Things because it always reminds him that his childhood was fucked up because he never had these things, and has resolved that he will just always be messed up and sad and the best he can do is just become numb to it. get used to it and all that. he's very very avoidant of all of his issues, especially how he is responsible for a lot of them

[36] Do they own items that have sentimental value?

no :( i’ve thought about it, but fenris doesn't do great when it comes to things with lots of emotional/sentimental value. anything that could fall under sentimental items would've either been a) lost in the house fire b) left behind in port rosnu after he left. he's just never really felt like he can hold onto things for long, and trying to give him something he can would most likely just scare him

[42] What is their idea of a perfect friendly hangout and/or romantic date?

oh god i have NO IDEA . fenris never even entertains the idea of friends/hangouts, let alone romance. i've always said he would be like a toxic ex in the sense he would just be very avoidant of anything to do with the whole close human connection part of it, and that extends to friendships too, so a “perfect hangout” or “perfect date” would probably be sitting six feet apart in a room and minding their own business without saying a word or acknowledging there's friendship or romance in the first place

[50] What are they really good and really bad at?

very good at ignoring his problems, very bad at ignoring his problems (arguably his job he's good at, but talking with people is the part he sucks at)

[55] How long does it take for them to make a new place feel like home, and what do they need for it?

since his last homes were a) his childhood home where he spent 15 years smothered, emotionally neglected, and abused and b) either a group home or mental hospital in port rosnu, fenris does not exactly have the greatest idea of what a "home" is, its never been a place of security or safety for him. he didn't even see these places as a "home", more so places he was stuck in that he sometimes likes to dissect the layers of how it was suffocating for him, like they're living, knowing and malicious organisms he's doing an autopsy on about how they contributed to his trauma. trying to make a new place feel like home, as a result, is very scary and almost a completely unapproachable challenge for him. he has an apartment, and he tries to make it livable (he does Not live the male living space life) but the second it becomes too homey, i.e starts to become Too personalized, he freaks out and quickly tries to return it to Just A Box He Lives In. ultimately what he'd need is to feel like a home will offer him security and safety, somewhere he can lie down and not feel like he's being chased by all his personal demons

[peggy-uwu]

Jumping off of my previous long ass ace vent post

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My very personal experience being ace in the kuro fandom has been a kinda weird one. I’ve seen a ton of ace people in this fandom, but so so so many of them are either antis, or don't ship things at all whatsoever. which is fine, to each their own, obviously. But it can be a little lonely.

Talk about sex and nsfw stuffs under the cut

I id as aegosexual. I’m ace and sex repulsed, but I really enjoy nsfw content, and more specifically, fan-fiction, fan-art, and shipping (of the often problematic variety). Fiction is the only way i can express myself sexually (irl porn can be really off putting).

Sex disgusts me and even talking about it in an irl sense can be really uncomfy for me. like sometimes talking abt it is fine, if its kept abstract, but a lot of the time thats not the case. (LOOKING AT YOU OLDER SISTER)

But i love talking about in a hypothetical, fictional sense. its so much fun, and it gives so much creative freedom. but the thought of having even the most basic vanilla ass sex irl disgusts me

`

from what ive seen from some of the ace people in fandom though, is that they feel the same ways about sex in fiction as they do irl. so i feel like im kinda stuck in this middle ground of 'ace attitude towards sex irl, allo attitude towards sex in fiction' which can get a little lonely with noone to talk to about it.

`

`

I have a question for both the ace and allo kuro-or-other-fandom fans out there:

If the character you horny simp for, magically appeared in ur bed one day, and was down to fuck u, would you hypothetically have sex with them?

`

`

because for all my Sebastian horny simping, if he showed up outta nowhere and offered to have sex, my answer would be ‘No.’. And that goes for ALL the characters i like in fiction. i will scream about how much i wanna fuck Keith Kogane until the motherfucking cows come home but if you put someone who looked, talked, acted like, and for all intents and purposes, WAS Keith, i would not be interested in the slightest.

because i DON'T want to have sex. i love reading it in fiction, literally cant get enough of it, but as soon as it crosses the boundary of fantasy and hypothetical, and starts being related to me and my person personally, its so so so uncomfortable and i hate it. to the point that even some fic depicting women and people with female bodies can be off putting, it hits too close to home for comfort. Thats partly why such a vaaaast majority of the fanwork i consume is m/m. ive never been into a f/f ship anywhere near as obsessively as i can get with m/m ones. i dont enjoy self-shipping for the same reason.

Is this a normal experience for other ace ppl in fandom? do you guys feel like this? or am i just fucking weird. idk

[extravaguk]

sex education 2.0

pairing: college!au, jungkook x reader

summary: "Are you calling me boring?" Jungkook gasps dramatically, looking at you dumbfounded and visibly offended. You roll your eyes, taking a napkin and leaning forward to wipe the crumbs of garlic bread on his lips.

"First of all, don't talk with your mouth full, you pig. Second of all," you stop to take a sip of your coke, aware of Jungkook's expectant eyes on you. "A little, yeah." 

wordcount: 9k

genre: smut - angst(? not rlly - fluff, like tons bc im a slut for fluff

rated: m (duh!2.0)

warnings: alcohol and weed consumption, just jk and tae being bros having bro convos, switch!reader, switch!jk, but mostly dom!jk, dirty talk, glimpses of poorly written bdsm, reader being a jealous and ‘insecure little bitch’ (her words, not mine),slapping (dont worry i tried to make it funny), how i met your mother spoilers (sorry im a gemini i spoil shit), spanking, degradation kink, back at it again with the spit kink, slight anal play, beware!of jungkook being a sweetheart, a lil mean at the end but a sweetheart nontheless.

read sex education here!

Three months of being in an actual commitment with Jeon Jungkook, your brother's partner in crime since the young age of five and, therefore, a common denominator throughout your childhood and teenage years, has proven to you a few things you never knew you would discover about the boy himself: Jeon Jungkook is definitely not what you thought him to be. 

You thought growing up with him would've been enough telltale about everything that made Jungkook be, well, Jungkook. He wasn't as immature as you had believed prior to the beginning of your relationship, he was funnier than you remembered -although maybe you found him funnier now that Taehyung wasn't in the picture to interfere with infantile inside jokes that you never were able to grasp-, and smarter than he had ever let you known before. Although you're sure the main reason his grades had started to improve was solely you and the way you rewarded him by opening your legs everytime he passed an exam. 

But above all, if there was something that had truly surprised you about Jeon Jungkook was the fact that he was truly an absolutely and undeniably softie.  

You loved it. Loved the random scribbled love notes he sometimes left in your backpack before kissing you goodbye to leave for his own class, loved the Spotify playlists he made exclusively just for you -with genres that varied between sappy and romantic and wanting to tear your 'wet ass pussy' in two-, loved the late night texts filled with emojis telling you how much he missed you when both of you were too busy doing assignments and studying to see each other -even if it hadn't even been 48 hours since you last saw each other-. You loved how careful and sweet and thoughtful he was. You really did. 

But.

"Are you calling me boring?" Jungkook gasps dramatically, looking at you dumbfounded and visibly offended. You roll your eyes, taking a napkin and leaning forward to wipe the crumbs of garlic bread on his lips.

"First of all, don't talk with your mouth full, you pig. Second of all," you stop to take a sip of your coke, aware of Jungkook's expectant eyes on you. "A little, yeah." His mouth falls open and you supress a laugh. You really shouldn't be enjoying this so much, but there's something about Jungkook's reaction to his ego being bruised and that terribly adorable pout on his face that just makes your insides tingle with joy. 

"What do you mean? I've had plenty of girls in bed before you, like a whole lot, and none of them have ever called me boring! They loved this adventurous and fun dick, alright? Why do you think-" you raise a brow, scrutinizingly. It still amazes you how with just a simple expression and no words needed, you can make all color from Jungkook's face banish and how quick he is to reach for your hand across his bed. "But I only love youuuu, and you're the best thing that has ever happened to me and my dick like, baby, have I mentioned how head over heels I'm for you?"

"Only like five times today." rolling your eyes again, you pull your hand from his to toy with the peperoni piece on your slice of pizza. Jungkook swallows the lump in his throat, he was starting to get truly concerned now. You couldn't possibly...?

"Are you not satisfied? I mean, do I not make you feel good or...?" there's clear worry in his voice and that makes you meet his eyes, shaking your head hurriedly. Now it's you who take his hand in yours.  

"No! No, babe. I love sex with you! I love everything you do to me, I love how you treat me, I love how you make me feel. I'm a hundred percent satisfied, I swear, It's just..." you sigh, dropping your gaze to rub slow and reassuring circles to the ink adorning his skin. "All I'm saying is... I may also want to experience what all those girls have experienced with you, y'know... the not so vanilla stuff. But you always seem to be scared to try new things with me, and I don't know if it's because of m-"

"Baby," Jungkooks soft voice calls out to you, removing the pizza box in between the two of you to slide closer to you on the mattress. He craddles your face with his fingers, tilting your chin up to make eye contact with you. "_____, don't say that. I just don't ever want to cross any boundaries. I don't want to hurt you or do anything you might not like or regret later, you know that, right?" placing a small kiss on your lips, you hum in content nodding your head yes.

"I know that." you pull him for another brief kiss, oddly not caring about the faint taste of garlic and spice on them because that's what love will do to you. "But what if I do want you to hurt me? What if I want you to fuck my mouth with no mercy until I cry and slap my face after you've cum all over it while you call me a slut?" you pause, eyes meeting his through your eyelashes. "Or viceversa."

It's not that Jungkook is afraid. Because Jungkook is afraid of nothing in this world. He will murder any spider in his way, he will throw a punch to anyone who denies mint chocolate ice cream as the superior ice cream flavour -and he knows that means he will have to literally fight like the entire population on planet earth-, and he will Rey Mysterio you if you ever discredit or deny his incredible skills playing Overwatch.

Jeon Jungkook prides himself in being fearless in every aspect of his life. Except when it comes to you. 

So yeah, maybe he was a little afraid. Because hearing you use the words 'choke', 'slap' and 'slut' in the same sentence did things to him that he didn't deem possible considering none of you were newbies anymore to intimicy. You have been together for three months, for God's sake, but you still made his cock twitch like the first day and he's sure in twenty years you'll have the exact same effect on him.

He didn't want his most primal instincts to overpower the respect and love he'd harboured for you since you were kids because at the end of the day, one, you were still his best friend's little sister, two, he appreciated you too much to ever cross any lines, and three, as cliché as it sounded, you were nothing compared to the girls he had been with previously. What he feels towards you cannot be compared to anything he had experienced before. 

And fuck, was he in a predicament. Because you made him weak in his knees for you and you were not even aware of it. You were not aware of how badly he has wanted to explore and take things way further, way out of both his and your comfort zones. But he's terrified. He's terrified because all he wants is to to take care of you and what if he fails at the one thing he's swore to himself? What if he lets the darkest side of him consume him and at the same time consume you? What if he does actually hurt you, not just psichologically but also physically?

He would never be able to forgive himself. And neither could Taehyung.

And that, was also tormenting him.

Taehyung seemed fine with the two of you dating -or at least that blow to Jungkook's face seemed to ease things between them-, but Jungkook is not dumb and has felt his best friend slowly distancing himself. 

Sure, they were still best friends and will ever will. Taehyung is loyal to Jungkook and Jungkook is loyal to Taehyung. Has been that way since they were five and that will not change just because Jungkook's caught feelings for his little sister.

But the phonecalls were not as often and not as long as they used to be; in rare occasions Jungkook could sense a certain type of awkwardness between them that really had never happened in their friendship, and sometimes Taehyung's jokes seemed to hold more truth than lightheartedness. 

And to top it all off, Jungkook's dilemma regarding you was eating him alive and, usually he would turn to Taehyung for girl advice, only to later realize he was also frightened of doing that. 

But a Friday night at 2 a.m, Jungkook decides he can't take it anymore. 

"Sup, man." Taehyung's voice answers Jungkook's phone call on the second ring, like he always does. 

"Hey, bro." Jungkook clears his voice, suddenly feeling self conscious. "Are you busy?"

"I don't know," his friend seems to be chewing on what Jungkook bets is red Skittles -yes, only the red ones- because he just knows him too well. "Are you busy still fucking my little sister?" 

Taehyung chuckles at his own joke, but Jungkook doesn't. He knows there's no malice, but he can't help to think there might be. He settles for a sigh. "Yeah." he can hear some shuffling on the other side and the clicking of a computer mouse. Jungkook would also bet he was playing Among Us and he would lie if he said he wasn’t disappointed he hadn't called him to play with him. "Y'know what, it's not even important, I'll just call y-"

"Come on, man. You haven't even laughed at that and you usually laugh at everything I say even when no one else does." Taehyung swirls in his chair, his attention fully focused on his best friend. "Seriously, what's bothering you." Jungkook takes a deep breath, rubbing the side of his face. 

"It's about _____."

"_____? As in, my little sister? Who you're fucking?"  

"Tae, dude-"

"Okay, okay, I'm sorry. Go on." Taehyung stiffles a laugh and waits patiently for Jungkook to continue.

"She um... Fuck, I hope this isn't weird, dude. I really do. She wants to like... rough it up in the bedroom, I guess? And I just... I don’t know... I'm terrified dude." There's silence filling the gap between Taehyung and Jungkook and Jungkook almost feels like throwing up. 

"You're coming to me for sex advice... about my little sister?"

"I know, dude but... Who else I'm supossed to talk to? Jimin? Hoseok?" Jungkook sits up on his bed, an ugly knot beginning to form in his stomach. "I mean, you're my best friend," Jungkook swallows again, voice cracking. "...right?"

It's Taehyung's turn to sigh after a few seconds before he replies. "Forever and always, bro." His tone settles Jungkook's uneasiness. There's nothing but honesty in it. "Listen, Guk. I really don't know what kind of advice to give you because, literally, ew. But I do know my sister, and if that's what she wants and she's communicated with you about it, it’s because she trusts you. And I trust you more than anyone in my life. So there you go, man."

Relief washes all over Jungkook's body and he lays back on the bed again, heart not beating as hard as it was a few seconds ago. 

"Thanks, dude." Jungkook smiles. "Sorry for calling you so late."

"No problem, bro." Taehyung smiles as well, swirling his chair back to his computer screen. A weight of his own being lifted. "Among Us next time?"

"Yeah, I'll let you know. Good night, bro."  

Taehyung calls Jungkook's name before he can hang up. "Hey, man?"

"Yeah, man?"

There's a pause between them and then Taehyung speaks. "I love you, man."

Jungkook supresses the threat of tears about to spill because he knows Taehyung would try to bruise his other other eyebrow if he ever found out. Or hug him to death. Or both.

"I love you too, bro."

"This reminds me of the first time you gave me a blowjob." Jungkook chuckles, watching you get down on your knees between his spread thighs, make up free and sporting a similar low messy bun as that time he's mentioning, except this time you're wearing one of his hoodies engulfing your smaller frame. Proof that this time around, you're exclusively his and no one else’s.

"You mean the blowjob of your life." you giggle as you reach out to pull down his sweatpants, deligthed to see he decided on not wearing any underwear. Your spit on the back of your hand and immediately wrap it around the base of his rock hard cock while his own darts out to push the strands falling down your face behind your ear, heart eyes emoji looking down at you looking up at him. 

Your tongue swirls around the tip timidly, swallowing the drop of precum oozing as he sighs heavily and lovingly. "Every blowjob you give me is the blowjob of my life." he unties your hair from the band holding it together because he prefers his fingers to be the hair tie, prefers to be the one to guide the bobbing of your head up and down his dick. 

You hum in appreciation against him, cherry balmed lips wrapping fully around the head of his cock and he hums back. "Love seeing you on your knees for me with your pretty mouth stuffed, fuck." You take him deeper, closing your eyes. 

Your hand moving accordingly to your mouth and your panties already wet, clinging to your folds. It's really not your fault Jungkook is the most delicious eye candy on earth and how fast can the mere sight of him make your pussy lips quiver. You slurp around the head obscenely , a moan of yours mixing with a moan of his. "Hands on your back." 

You obligue, removing your hands and growing excited at the dominating low tone his voice exerts. The grip he has on your hair tightens and controls your motions, pushing you further down his dripping shaft until your nose hits his pubic bone. He holds you there, his own eyes closing shut and his dick twitching insde your mouth. A thrust of his hips make you gag and has one of your hands flying to tap his leg two times, letting him know you were in need for air. 

He releases you, pulling you back until his cock is pulsating in front of you. He looks down at you, both breathless but the difference is you look so messy. Eyes watery, chest moving heavily and saliva leaking from your lips. 

Yeah, there was a reason Jungkook hasn't been like this with you before. The sight of you submitting completely and looking so nasty was too much for him to handle. He might never want to see you any other way than this. 

"Isn't this what you wanted, huh?" the free hand that had been supporting his weight on the matress grasps your face harshly, making you lock eyes with him.

 "I thought you wanted me to choke you with my cock like a little whore?" you nod your head eagerly, unable to form words. Your pussy throbs, prompting you to rub your thighs to get some sort of relief as his thumb smears the spit adorning your lips. You're quick to envelop it in the warmth of your mouth, an involuntary moan leaving your throat. "Such a pretty slut," he lets his cock slap against your cheek, removing his thumb to move his hand back to his previous position. "Open again."

You do, his length entering your mouth again -that you gladly accept- and then he's shoving you down by your hair. "Shit, gonna fuck your mouth so good..." 

And he does, not holding back anymore, his hand thrusting your head along his shaft until your throat tightens around him repeteadly, struggling for breath. But you take it, you take the aggresiveness and the degradation because fuck, you've been waiting for so long to know what this feels like. To have Jungkook be mean and have this type of control and power over you and you're enjoying it a bit too much. 

"F-fuck, I'm gonna cum, leave your mouth open." he releases on your tongue, not able to look away from the image of you with tears falling down your eyes and mouth drenched with him and your spit, some of his cum staining down your chin and the corners of your lips that he gathers with his thumb and pushes back into your mouth. He groans, watching you swallow all of it like a good girl, your tongue grazing around his digit for the remainings, gaze not leaving his. "Let me grab my phone real quick, I need to take a picture of this."

You were definitely not the jealous type.  

You prided yourself on being able to recognize when your behaviours were due to your own insecurities and removing all sorts of feelings of uncertainty from your mind. You never liked toxic patterns or the glamorization of them and your relationship with Jungkook was proof. You knew relationships were supossed to be based on blind trust and faith in your partner and yours definitely reciprocated in the same way. 

"So can anybody tell me why Eunha is basically all over my boyfriend right now?" you wish you could blame your state on Hoseok's weed, who's sitting on the left side of the couch right next to you at the frat party. You really wish you could have an explanation for the way your heart tugged in such a weird way and your stomach swirled dangerously until almost making you nauseous. You really tried to blame your overthinking on the joint you had just passed to your friend. 

You knew it was bound to happen someday, especially considering Jungkook had always been a ladies' man and the kind of attraction from both men and women he was able to manifest, willing or unwillingly. You just never thought it would happen so soon and in such way that made you clench your fists so tight and your nails dig into the palm of your hands so painfully. 

"I mean, they did have like a long fling a few years ago, didn't they?" Seulgi, sitting on your right, chimes in. 

That was true. Longer than most flings Jungkook ever had before you.  

"Yeah, before she dumped him." Hoseok adds.

Your eye twitches and your jaw contracts. Because that, was also true, and it was mostly what was bothering you so much. 

Had it been Jungkook the one to move away from his situationship with Eunha like with most girls, you wouldn't have such a problem with the way she's shamelessly leaning towards him from across the room. Or the way she's twirling a strand of her hair between one of her fingers while battling her lashes. Or the way she's hysterically laughing at whatever he was saying, because your boyfriend was funny, but he was not that funny. 

You were not the jealous type, and Jungkook definitely wasn't giving you any reason to be, because as coquettish as the blonde was being or as provocatively as she was pushing her tits into his arm, he politely keeps his distance and tries to also engage with Jimin in conversation, leaving her pouting. But that wasn't enough to not make you start seriously questioning your feminist ethics right now. 

"Wait, you're not jealous, are you?" Seulgi turns to you, offering you the joint -how long had you been focusing your attention on Jungkook and Eunha to not realize it was your turn again to smoke?-. You take it, hesitating between answering right away or taking a hit before doing that. You were never a good liar. You look between your two friends who are looking back at you with their eyebrows raised.

"I-" you close your mouth and run your fingers through your hair. "Maybe? I don't know what I'm feeling and I don't like it one bit." 

"Aw, babe." Seulgi squeezes your knee, eyes showing you sympathy. "Jealousy is a natural response to any relationship."

"I know..." you take the joint in your hand, taking a long drag before letting the smoke out. "I just don't want to sound like an insecure little bitch!" you whine. "I don't want to be like 'Oh, why would Jeon Jungkook, a God of the Olympus, dare give his attention to a peasant as unworthy as me!?' Like no, he's just a man. A little less mediocre than most but a man nontheless. I'm not going to doubt myself or other women just because he's more beautiful than most, and hotter, and funnier and has a massive co-" you notice you're getting carried away by the look of disgust in Hoseok's face and Seulgi trying to hold back a laugh. 

"Anyways, he's lucky to have me. We're both lucky to have each other but sometimes I feel like I might be the luckiest out of the two. And seeing Eunha looking so pretty and throwing herself at him is triggering me because..." you pause to take a deep breath and lounch back on the couch. "What if he realizes one day that I'm luckier than he is and he could be luckier with someone else?"

There's, ironically, a long silence. Ironically because the sound of Travis Scott making the walls tremble is anything but, until Hoseok speaks.

"I think you feel that way because you still haven't seen how that boy looks at you, _____." and then he motions to the spot from across the room you had been observing for too long, the spot where Jungkook is now glancing at you after noticing your detectable distress, with a frown on his features. 

'You okay?' he mouthes, his fist raising in the air in a thumbs up, questioningly.  

Your heart jerks, and not out of bitterness or envy caused by a girl trying to get your boyfriend's attention. Because his attention is always entirely on you, no matter how many feet are separating the two of you. 

'Yes' you mouth back, with a nod of your head and an encouraging smile that has formed itself on your face. He beams as well at you. Mouthes an 'I love you' and puckers his lips in a flying kiss that makes you giggle. You mimic him, your heart tight against your chest. 

Hoseok is right. You have nothing to worry about.

Jungkook is in love with you. Sometimes, he thinks, he's too in love with you.

"Can't believe I'm letting you do this."

"Can't believe you're such a pussy."

Jungkook huffs in annoyance. He would smack your ass right now if his hands weren't restricted by a scarf of yours he had never seen before to your bedpost. He would also send you a mean look if his eyes weren't covered by the only tie he owned and had so generously lent to you. 

When you mentioned you wanted to try this, he expected you to be in this position. Not the other way around.

He's sprawled on your bed, only his boxers covering him as your legs straddle his waist and you tighten the hold of the scarf around his wrists sternly. He winces and manages an 'Hey!' He knows you're only wearing your panties because he can't feel anything else and he's felt one of your naked tits brushing  his face as you tied him up. He also tried to catch one of your nipples in his mouth as a form of punishment, to no use because you swiftly backed away from his attempt. 

"I've never been a bottom before, this is new for me." he says. He really doesn't mind any of this. He's just not used to it. He knows he'd be lying if he said it didn't turn him on a little bit, even if he'd rather be the one to have you completely unmoving and naked beneath him. Especially now that you're skimming your nails up and down his torso.

"Mm, good to know." your lips follow the path your fingers created, from the center of his chest up, moving steadily and tracing soft kisses over his flesh. 

"Don't worry. I'll be gentle." you croon, dragging your tongue from the pulse of his neck to his earlobe, nails scraping lightly over his left nipple. Jungkook shudders, air sucked in through his teeth as his mouth opens on its own. Taking advantage of this, you place a kiss on the corner of his lips before slipping your tongue inside. 

He answers simultaniously, his own tangling with yours, swallowing each other's moans. Your hips set a slow peace, clothed cad core griding over the length poking between your thighs. His hips move unvoluntarily, trying to find some sort of friction to make up for the fact that his hands are unavailable to knead your ass and pull you closer, if that was even possible.

You separate from him, raising on your knees. Jungkook whines in protest, hips buckling up from the mattress to try to meet yours again.

"Jungkook, I'm serious, stay still!" 

"I take it back." his voice shaky and hands straining against the tight hold the scarf you tied around has on them. "I don't like this. Untie me so I can fuck you, babe." he complains. You sit on his tiny waist, your thighs trying to stop his movements. 

You take a moment to assess him. He looks too beautiful for his own good: hair courtaning his forehead, biceps bulging and abs flexing. You can't see his eyes but you know they might be glassy. You bite your lip to supress a whine of delight. You almost consider doing as he says. Almost. 

But you mantain your ground. Your jealousy from the other night had been crawling slowly from within these past few days and since you couldn't take it out on Jungkook any other way because he really wasn't to blame, you figured you'd try something new to punish him and let some of your supressed anger vanish. 

Twisting your body back to pull down his boxers, not all the way, just enough to have his cock springing free from the confines of the fabric and slapping against your asscheeks.

"Has toxic masculinity seriously polluted your brain so much you can't take this seriously?" you fall forward, one of your hands balancing you beside his head as the other wraps around his neck, a tentative hold not yet to constrict his breathing. 

He gulps, his body's tense and his Adam's apple is prominent under your touch. All he can see is black but he'd do anything to watch your pretty tits bouncing in front of his face. "I don't like this conversation either." he pouts.

"Then why are you so hard?" you grin, holding yourself back from laughing as he hesitates for an answer. You lean closer, mouth against his ear as you whisper. "I'm so wet right now, I could take you just like this. No lubrication at all and my pussy would just swallow your dick." Feeling his girth still between your ass flutter, clearly affected by the sultry tone of your voice. You remove your hand from his neck seeing as he has stopped moving obediently. Reaching back, you slide your panties to the side and align your entrance to the head of his leaking cock. 

"Fuck, baby, please~" Jungkook's pleads fills the air, hips desperately back in motion and sliding just a few inches inside your drenched heat. The warmth envoles him instantly, your pussy pulsates around him and neither of you can't help the in synch groans tearing from your throats. 

"Just the tip" you lick your lips, your voice betraying you as you resist the urge to glide the rest of his lenght inside your quivering core.

"Just the tip, my ass." 

Out of sudden, Jungkook is swiftly lifting his hips from the matress, sinking all the way in. You cry as your body jumps forward, face hidden in the juncture of Jungkook's sweaty neck. His thick cock stretches you out as nice and deep and perfectly as he always does. You mewl. This was not supossed to happen at all.  

"See? This is what you really wanted." you can hear the chuckle threatening to spill from his lips, anger starting to boil inside of you again. 

Regaining a little bit of your lost control, you lift yourself on your trembling knees and sit back again, the tip of his dick hitting your cervix. You groan in unision, placing your hands on the hard planes of his chest and steadying yourself to try to reclaim your dominance. Finding it troublesome, because Jungook is set on having it his own way, his thrusts meeting yours in perfect synch.

You really shouldn't feel your climax approaching so soon but somehow battling for control while bickering with Jungkook is about to send you over the edge and that's making you even more annoyed.

"I swear to God, Jungkook. If you don't stop moving and shut the fuck up..." your murmur through gritted teeth, jaw slackened and eyes fluttering shut.  

"What?" he spats, breathing rugged and voice coarse. "If I don't shut up, you'll wha-"

The sound of a sharp smack echoes inside your room and Jungkook's movements freeze on the spot. His head is turned to the side from the impact, and a faint print of your fingers is adorning his  already stinging cheek. None of you mutter anything for a few seconds, until concerned words start to rush out of you.

"Ohmygod, Jungkook, I-"

"Did you just slap me?" Jungkook is unmoving, his mouth agape and you can picture the incredulous expression his eyes might be oozing. "Baby, what the fuck?!" You're mortified. Your hands cover your mouth and your eyes, wide open, stare down at him although he can't stare at you back.

"Babe, I don't know why I did that, you wouldn't stop talking and I know that's not an excuse but it-" 

"It was fucking hot." a breathy laugh in disbelief leaves his chest. Your forehead creases, hands falling down to your chest to try to steady your incessant heartbeat. His tongue darts between his pearly teeth, a smug smirk on his features. An eyebrow of yours raises as you size him up, the realization that his body is completely motionless now hitting you.

Lurging forward, you pinch his jaw between your fingers, your hips carry on their grinding on their own accord. He releases a raspy moan, your walls clenching around him as another hit strikes his cheek, softer this time. 

"You gonna be good to me?" you mutter against his lips. He nods slowly, his mouth salivating as your hips swirl on top of him. He blindly tries to reattach his mouth to yours, but you dodge him, going for the skin of his clavicle instead. "Can I fuck you slow like this until you're filling me with your cum?" He squirms when he feels you sucking a pretty purple bruise on his flesh, your cunt dropping all the way down his cock, leisurly grinding against his pelvic bone, looking yourself to find some relief to your clit. 

"Ah!" his head tilts back, back slighlt arching as you soothe the mark on his neck with your tongue. "That m-might be s-sooner than you think, babe" he admits timorously, swallowing the lump in his throat, the veins on his neck on full display. 

You sigh in content because, thankfully your orgasm is also closer than he thinks it is. "M-me too-" you gasp, your face buried on his shoulder, letting your fingers brush his ebony hair, nails gently scrapping his scalp as you keep the tortuous movements of your hips against his, his girth hitting that spot just right everytime until you feel the knot in your tummy finally snapping. "C-cum, J-Jungkook, I-m-"

Jungkook doesn't need to be told twice because he has been holding back from it for a while now, not really willing to admit he was enjoying this as much as he was. With a thrust of his own fused with the way your pussy is tightening around him it's enough to send him over the edge, an unpredicted cry emanating from his vocal chords harmonizing with your own, his whole body tensing as your walls milk every single drop of his cum. 

For several minutes you stay just like that. Jungkook's hands still tied, blindfold still on, his mouth still agape as his chest rises and falls until his breathing becomes steady again. And you, on top, your fingers tangled in his dark locks, your breath fanning against his neck and his release dripping down your thighs. You stay like that until your body starts shaking with uncontrollable laughter. 

Jungkook tilts his head towards yours, eyebrows furrowing and eyes still covered.

"What was that noise?" you manage through your giggle fit. "'Aaah!'" You've never made a noise like that before, I can't- it was so funn-"

Even while still being strained and blindfolded and with you making fun of him, a loopsided goofy smirk starts making an appearence on Jungkook's features. 

Fancy dinner parties were never your thing. 

Wearing heels that were too high -specifically to try to match Jungkook's height-, a new expensive dress that you were surely going to return as soon as the event was over because you definitely could not afford it and socializing with Jungkook's clique was definitely not the way you envisioned your Saturday night going. 

At least Jungkook had barely been able to keep his hands for himself at the sight of you wrapped in emerald green silk and lace. But even that couldn't make you feel less uncomfortable and out of place. 

Yugyeom, one of Jungkook's friends, had definitely more money than your boyfriend had previously let you know. Apparently, being a 'lil rich' as Jungkook had mentioned meant booking a luxurious restaurant to hold a dinner party with at least fifty people who looked just as 'lil rich' as Yugyeom's Gucci tuxedo.  

'It'll be alright babe. Yugyeom always insists on celebrating his birthday like it's an Oscar after party. We'll just eat some of that disgusting caviar and then head home to watch Netflix, I swear'. 

And yes, caviar was gross, but so was the fact that Jungkook had failed to mention a certain someone would also be making an appearence. 

After introducing you to a few of his friends and realizing that Mingyu's frendliness and amiability helped you feel more relaxed, he had excused himself to the bathroom, leaving you and his friend to entangle in a heated conversation about How I Met Your Mother's finale season. 

You were thankful for Mingyu's humble nature and easygoing talk for a few minutes until you finally spotted your boyfriend making his way back into the room, stopping in his tracks to acknowledge a group of friends from his class. 

Again, you wouldn't have such a problem with a certain blonde if she would just stop looking at Jungkook with stars in her eyes and pressing her cleavage against him while playing with her hair. It was hard to keep track of your conversation with Mingyu while Eunha was standing right next to your boyfriend and seemingly ogling up at him. It was also hard to not let your mind waver to dangerous territory when you took notice of how disgustingly good they looked together. 

Just two attractive people who would look disgustingly good together. 

Mingyu's voice makes you turn back to him. 

"...I don't know, like, Barney was a womanizer until Robin, you know? He changed for her! They were just perfect for each other, but they had to throw it all away by killing the mother and then making Robin marry Ted? And Barney going back to his old ways?" Mingyu sounds exhasperated and you would laugh and find it cute if your stomach wasn't tugging again in a way that made you regret drinking so much wine so fast. Specially after his last statement.  

"That's what I'm saying." you mumble, turning your attention back to your boyfriend in the crowd.

Jungkook wouldn't go back to his old ways. He loves you. There's nothing to worry about.

But as you watch him start to make his way towards you, you also watch the way Eunha grabs the sleeve of his blazer to pull him back. She leans in, whispers something in his ear to which he just shakes his head, says something that it's impossible to decipher from here you're standing and simply walks in your direction. 

Still, as much as you tried to be neutral and objective and not a 'jealous little bitch', it's almost impossible to hide the sour expression on your face. It's impossible to unclench your jaw throughout the entire evening or lose the too tight grip on your glass of wine. Even when Jungkook whispers in your ear if you're okay, you merely nod yes. You avoid eye contact with him and everytime he tries to slip your hand into his, you dodge him it by wrapping your arms around yourself, claiming how cold it is.

Jungkook is not dumb. 

He know something's up but he's also not stupid enough to cause a scene in public or preassure you into talking. So he settles on wating and being patient. Even as he slips his jacket on your stiff shoulders with pouty lips and his eyebrows drawn together, all he does is press a small kiss to the back of your neck. It takes all power within you to not throw yourself in his arms. 

But as midnight approaches and it's time to leave, you notice a change in Jungkook's behaviour as you say your goodbyes. His hand on your back is not just a soft caress, instead, his fingers pull you closer, dig into your skin as he drags the both of you to where his car is parked. Now it's him who avoids your gaze. His tensed jaw and his tongue pressing against the inside of his cheek is a visible indicator that Jungkook is pissed. 

You know his body language as well as he knows yours. And now, as he opens the door of the passanger seat so you can slide in, the guilt and the remorse of acting cold towards him for hours is finally dawning on you. 

"Are you going to tell me now what was that about?" when he closes his own door shut, he doesn't bother to put his seatbelt on. Just grips the steering wheel as he turns to you. 

"I-I don't know what you're t-"

"You don't know what I'm talking about?" he laughs, not a bit of humour in it. "I know scenes like this make you feel uncomfortable but I actually thought everything was going fine. I leave you for five minutes with Mingyu and when I come back, you won't look at me, won't touch me, won't act like I'm your boyfriend. Like I did something wrong. So please, _____, tell me, what's going on?"

You know there's no excuse for the way you acted. You know it's not Jungkook's fault he attracts attention and it most definitely not his fault if an ex of his is still hung up on him. You know it's your own fault and you know you should not try to excuse yourself and fight back. You'd swore to yourself you'd push down any feelings of jealousy deep inside until they disappeared. But something about tonight makes you explode.

"Why was she being all over you?"

Jungkook's face twists in confusion. "What? Who?"

"Eunha! Who the fuck else? She was all over you a few weeks ago at Minghao's party, and she was all over you tonight!" your voice is louder than you would've liked but at this point all you care about is letting it all out.

"This is what all of that was about? Eunha?"

"Yes! I've seen her on campus as well! Always trying to get your attention! I don't care that you have friends in common, but specially tonight, she whispered something to you and she was looking at you like she-"

"Who cares how she looks at me? All you need to care about is how I look at you because the only thing I care about is how you look at me!" Jungkook exclaims, clearly exhausted of this conversation. 

You sink in your seat and look away as the knuckles on his hands turn white from gripping the steering wheel. 

"_____," he calls you gently,  but his voice mantains a stern tone to it. "We don't do jealousy. I thought we were supossed to trust each other blindly. Have I not proved to you how sickenly in love with you I am? Do you not trust me and what I feel?"

"I-... Of course I do. I-just... I don't know. You're right. That was uncalled for." you wrap yourself in the warmth of Junkook's blazer, trying to make his scent wash away any ugly resentment and guilt in your body. 

"Wanna know what she said to me?" a rethorical question, because he was going to tell you anyway. "She asked me if I was going to stay for Yugyeom's after party, way past midnight. Wanna know what I said?" he turns to you. "I said no, I'm spending the night with my girlfriend."

None of you say nothing after that. He just puts his seatbelt on and starts driving. It's not too much of a far drive to his dorm, but the silence and the awkwardness makes it feel so much longer than it should be. You don't remember the last time Jungkook was mad at you. Actually, you don't think Jungkook has ever been mad at you. He loved the banter, loved to tease you, loved being competitive with you. But you had never seen him being avoidant of you. And that feeling tears your heart on the seat of his car.

"Are you mad at me?" you ask, voice barely audible, when the car stops at a red light. His dark eyes meet yours, his face immediately softening as he studies your expression. Then he picks one of your small hands in one of his big ones, brings it to his lips and lightly kisses your knuckles. He communicates with his eyes what he doesn't with words and it's enough to make you feel secure, at least for now.

When you finally arrive at Jungkook's room, he holds the door ope for you and lets you walk in, but he's still unusually quiet. So much so, you start to worry you might have fucked up big time. 

You stand there, not knowing what to do as you watch him sit down on his bed, slipping his shoes and socks off and loosening the tie around his neck. His hair, that was perfectly styled a few hours ago, is now messy by the amount of times his hand has pushed it back. He looks too yummy, and you hate the fact that tension and a little bit of fighting has managed to make him look as delectable. 

You ignore the heat starting to form in your belly because now it's not the time to be horny. Not when you still need to apologize and make things right. He's rolling  the sleeves of his black shirt down his forearms when you decide to speak. 

"Jungkook, I'm very sorry." you start, as you remove his blazer off you and place it on the chair right in front of his desk. "I don't know why I acted the way I did. I dont get easily jealous and I really don't think I am but..." your throat constricts your words for a moment. "The more I love you, the more frightened I get when I think that one day you'll realize I'm better off as your best friend's little sister. I-I dont know what I'd do with myself if that ever happene-"

"Take off your dress." Jungkook's impassive voice and emotionless face startles you and you freeze on your feet. 

"What?"

"Did I stutter?"

His elbows rest on his knees and he's holding your stare with his. His doe eyes lack that free spirited and amusing glint they usually have. He looks bored, scrutinizing you. He's not challenging you. He's commanding you because he knows you will obligue. 

That's why you gulp and slowly slide the straps of your dress down your arms until the fabric pools at your feet. His eyes waver along your naked breasts, nipples perking up like the mere intensity of his gaze is ordering them to. He doesn't make a move and doesn't say anything for a few seconds. He doesn't compliment you like he normally would at the sight of you almost naked in front of him.

His lack of words make you feel insecure, regardless of how turned on you are. You're used to Jungkook being reassuring, you're used to his lighthearted jokes and his playful kisses in the bedroom. But you're not used to Jungkook telling you what to do and keeping his distance while doing so. Your arms move on their own to hide yourself.

"Don't. If you hide from me, I swear to God, _____." he watches you as you let your arms fall back to your sides, your chest moving up and down while you struggle to breathe. You can't deny Jungkook's gruff voice and his eyes studying every bit of skin available to him like he hasn't seen you naked before is not making your underwear stick to your lower lips. 

"JK, I just don't think this is the right moment to-"

"On my lap." your heart skips a bit, a thrill of excitement coursing through your veins.

"Jungkook-"

"I said, get on my lap, face down." he says again, this time slower. One of his eyebrows quirk up. "Or would you rather me drag you myself? Or make you crawl?"

Your eyes widen, and your feet are quick to approach him. Your nipples tingle, your core is throbbing and your cheeks are adorned by a beautiful blush that Jungkook doesn't miss. 

He doesn't move until you're in front of him, just to help you lower yourself on his lap, your cheek and your nipples touching the mattress and your ass up. You close your eyes when Jungkook skims his fingertips over your skin, his carressing relaxing your body until he eases your nerves a bit. He sighs when he notices the way that poor excuse of a thong sticks between your folds as his strong hands massage your buttcheeks. 

He's taking his time, his fingers gliding over your soft skin, his breathing too calm for your liking. Until one palm of his hand collides sharply against your right cheek, sending your body forward. You gasp, the stinging making your body want to pull away. But he's quick to catch both your wrists behind your back, keeping you in place. 

"Jungk-!"

Another smack, this time harder, on the same cheek. 

"Did I give you permission to talk?"  

Smack. This time on the left cheek. Your back arches on its own will, presenting more of your ass to him unwittingly. Your eyes squeezed shut and bite the inside of your cheek as you rub your thighs together. You keep quiet as his hand lands another blow on your ass. 

"That's a good girl. Now," his voice is gentler this time as his hand soothe your reddened cheeks. "do you think what you did tonight was okay?" you say nothing, only a mewl slips past your lips. Another smack. "Answer me."

"No." you lick your lips, anticipating more. 

"Do you think it was funny to pull a stunt like that?" 

Smack.

"N-no!"

"No, it wasn't. Spread your legs for me." you do as you're told and he finally pulls down the drenched piece of lace down your thighs. He leans forward, spreads your cheeks with one hand as he lets a glob of spit fall directly into your lips. He makes you gasp when his fingers start sliding up and down your folds slowly. 

"I've had to put up with this kind of behavour since the day you begged me to fuck this tight, virgin pussy like the little slut you are." you whine, face red as humiliation starts to creep in. Jungkook slips one finger in, pumping it slow and easy. Your hips move to take him deeper.

"I tried to be a gentleman, you know?" he says, adding a second finger. "I've tried to treat you nice and sweet and be the best boyfriend I could be to make you happy and keep you satisfied in every sense of the word." his thumb finds your clit, rubbing tortuous circles. 

"Been compeletely whipped since I kissed you for the first time. Haven't looked at other girls because I just can't when I have everything I want to look at right in front of me." murmuring, he starts to get lost your pussy and how it swallows his fingers and how obscene you look and sound, dripping right on his trousers. He watches his fingers moving in and out, almost hypnotized. "Yet, somehow..." he pulls away. You whimper in protest. 

"Somehow, you still seem to doubt me." His hand smacks your cheek again, wet fingers spreading your essence all over your skin.

"P-please, please." you cry. You miss Jungkook's sadistic smile before he releases the grip on your wrists, still keeping you on his lap. Both his hands spread your cheeks now, and another glob of spit falls right into your asshole. His fingers find your cunt again, easily taking you almost over the edge.

"If you could only look at yourself right now... All spread out for me like a needy whore in heat" his thumb teases your unexplored rim, hesitantly, coating it with his spit and your own arousal. He presses in slowly. You gasp, your body tenses and Jungkook stills his movements immediately. There's silence for a few seconds. 

"Too far? Should I stop?" and there's your Jungkook, concern lacing his voice. His free hand caresses your back, your body relaxing, laying back down obediently. His fingers are still inside you and his thumb is still asking for entrance. He leans forward, placing a small but comforting kiss on the bruised skin of your right asscheek. 

"Go on." you whisper, but he doesn't move right away. This time, it's his own body that tenses momentarely before going back to his tranquil demeanor. He breathes through his noise as his fingers pick up where they left off. 

"Yeah?" you swear you hear him swallow a lump in his throat. "Gonna let me finger this tight little ass like a good slut? Mm?" his thumb slides deeper, slightly stretching you out while his fingers work your pussy in a solid rhythm. "Gonna let me stretch you out little by little until I can open you up with my cock one day?" his movements speed up, fingers sliding out of your cunt to play with your clit and his thumb slowly moving in and out. "You don't wanna talk now? You just want to stay silent while I fuck your ass and-"

And then you're cumming, so unexpected it takes both of you by surprise. Your hands grip onto Jungkook's sheets, your thighs clasp around his hand as you scream his name. He doesn't stop though. He rides you through it, encouraging words mixing with filthy insults that prolong your orgasm until you're squirming beneath him. 

"Shit, baby... My hand is soaked." he mumbles, as he slowly removes his fingers and thumb from you. "You okay?"

You faintly nod your head yes, not able to find words through your dry mouth and your pussy still convulsing. 

"Good. Get on the bed. On your hands and knees." 

You somehow manage to slip from his lap and position yourself as he says. Except your arms and legs are shaking. Although the sound of Jungkook undoing his belt and his hands gripping your hips and bringing you towards him until the head of his dick is at your entrance is enough to make you forget about how tired your body is. You surrender to him, not even bothering to hold yourself up on your arms, your fingers crumbling the sheets and your face buried into the pillow. 

When his cock enters you, a pitiful moan leaves your mouth. His thick lenght slides into your heat, filling you perfectly as he always does. It's a wonder how well he fits inside you. 

"Such a perfect slut for me. Always ready for me to do whatever I want with her, since day one. So tight, so ready. So, so perfect. All mine." he talks as measured as he moves, dragging each word out as his hips find a nice tempo. 

Then he doesn't move for a while with his dick buried between your walls, and you know he's holding himself back. You turn your head slightly to look at him. He catches your eyes instantly. Sees your mascara running down your watery eyes, and your smudged lipstick and your messy hair and then he's giving you that look. That look that lets you know that Jungkook is, indeed, whipped for you. Leaning in, he presses his shirt-covered chest to your sweaty, naked back. His cock dives deeper, not an ounce of space between you as he lovingly kisses your cheek until his mouth finds yours. 

He kisses you hard but soft, tongue meeting yours for the first time since you entered the room. Jungkook is not a man of words. He's silly, and a jokester, and finds it difficult to express how he's feeling. But when he kisses you, or looks at you, when he touches you, or when he makes love to you, even if it's as dirty and filthy as right now, he's always able to transmit exactly what he can't vocally.

He's telling you there's no other place he'd rather be than here, with you. 

When he pulls back, a string of saliva still connecting your lips, his hand moves to the back of your head, fisting your hair in a tight hold that makes you arch your back and desperately moan for him.

"A-and you're mine." you sob.

It's like something snaps inside of him. He growls and suddenly his hips lose control. He nails you against the mattress, his grip on your hair pulling your head back, his lips against your ear as your cunt clenches around his cock. 

"Just yours. All yours." his grunts send shivers down your spine and you're close again, even in the painful and uncomfortable position your body is in. Being at Jungkook's mercy and him being at yours is enough to have you seeing starts.

"This is the only pussy I want wrapped around my cock. Your lips are the only ones I want to kiss. You're the only one I want between my arms." It only takes two flickers of Jungkook's free hand against your nub and his next words to tip you over. "You belong to me, and I belong to you."

You squeal as you come, and Jungkook bites your shoulder to keep himself from doing so as well as he follows shortly. He fills you up with his release,  but he doesn't release you from him. He wraps his arms around your frame, both your bodies becoming soft as he rolls over to one side with your back still pressed to his chest, cock still inside you. His lips find their way to the skin of your shoulder and the back of your neck. His breath fanning your flesh makes you smile.

"That is so not like my sister. I'm telling you, she never gets jealous." Taehyung says over the phone. He's munching on something again and Jungkook would bet all the money in his wallet again he's eating Skittles. Red Skittles. "So, everything cool now?"

"Yeah, man. We just talked it out, you know?" Jungkook's gaze falls on you, laying on your stomach on his bed, laptop iluminating your face, earbuds on and your head moving to whatever music you're listening to. Jungkook would bet all the money in his bank account it's Shape Of My Heart by The Backstreet Boys. Or at least that's what he's been able to guess so far. He was never good at reading lips, specially when trying to guess boybands' lyrics. 

Friday's nights meant late 1990's/early 2000's pop nostalgia for you. It meant shaking his head and spending the following week trying to get Britney and Xtina songs out of his brain for him. Although lately, he hadn't been trying that hard. Jungkook sighs in content, not really trying to cover the fact that he might be looking at you like a starstruck teenager. Which, it was totally fair because that's exactly how he feels about you. "Communication is key, bro."

He keeps watching you until your head perks up and catch him gawking. You smile at him and he smiles back.

"By 'communication is key' you mean you actually fucked my little sister silly right? Bro, I swear, I'll block your numb-"

"Sorry man, gotta go." 

"And now you're gonna fuck her silly again, right? You son of a b-"

Jungkook hangs up just as you take your earbuds off, making his way to you to kiss you silly.

[vldkeith]

you obvi dont have to answer this but do you ever feel like your anons cross lines sometimes? i love your interactions with your followers but idk how do you establish boundaries with them? im new to this kind of thing

fkdsghfkdss Yeah sometimes i def feel like they do? if it’s not overtly insulting tho i tend to just laugh with them (the jokes abt my s*x life and such genuinely don’t bother me, though it’s totally understandable why it would bother others), but if it’s making me genuinely uncomfortable or has insulting undertones, i usually just say “don’t fucking say that to me what’s wrong with you” or some such aggressive response sfkdghfdkgs i think my genuine advice would be to gauge whether or not they’re *trying* to piss you off or make u feel bad, and if u dont think they are then perhaps be diplomatic and say “don’t ask me things like this, it makes me uncomfortable”. if they’re, like, a real person then they’ll listen, and hopefully ur other followers will take notice and act accordingly. best of luck tho gdfskhgsdk

[confusedhalfofthetime]

Like. Dh!master x fem reader super smutty and lay on the cheese!!! Ive been quarantined and i wanna kneelllll. (If this dont cross any boundaries lol. I literally just saw this)

Hey! Thanks for the ask. So this is literally the first time ever I write smut so forgive me if it’s not perfect. Also, english isn’t my first language so I apologize for mistakes of any nature. 

I gotta say tho, I’m pretty satisfied of how it turned out. Hope you enjoy! ;)

Warnings: smut

The door of the TARDIS slammed shut and the Master rested his back against it. You raised your head from the book you were reading and your gaze met a nothing less than disheveled Master. His wide eyes, his jacket burned at the edge and his chest heaving up and down was proof that his latest plan hadn't gone as expected.

-I take it they didn't accept the peace offer? -

The Master sent you a not so friendly glance as he pushed himself off the door. He passed a nervous hand through his hair and started pushing bottons on the TARDIS counter.

-Everything is under controll- he said, his expression focused on the screen. -It's just gonna take some time-

You put the book down and studied his face. His forehead was covered in sweat and his teeth were nervously nibbling at his bottom lip. He looked hot and incredibly stressed.

-Is there something I can do? -

He hadn't exactly told you...well...anything about his plan, you hardly knew where you were.

-Raxacoricofallapatorius-

-Try saying that quickly five times-

The Master had looked at you with an annoyed expression.

-It's the planet we're going to next- he had said moving towards the console. -At least, I'm going-

-What do you mean you're going? What about me! - you had pouted.

The Master had smiled at your childish expression. -Love, this is important, I can't risk you ruining it-

-Now this is just rude-

The master hadn't given any sign of having heard your comment as he quickly pushed bottons and levers.

-And what is so important that you'd rather do it alone? -

-The Blathereen have something I'd like to own-

-Something? -

The Master had turned toward you with a slight smile, clear sign that you would know nothing more. You had huffed and rolled your eyes.

-Fine, don't tell me. I have plenty of things to do here anyway-

-I bet you do darling- he had said with a smirk.

And that was it. You weren't able to find out anything else and frankly, you didn't care. The master had a huge collection of alien artefacts in many rooms of the TARDIS. Sometimes he'd tell you stories about them, where he got them, how he got them. Most of the time it was through clever and violent means. His stories never ceased to amaze you. Maybe that "something" was just another one of those pieces to collect. In that case, he would tell you about how he got it either way.

-Damn it! - you heard him shout as he punched the consol. You were used to his outbursts, but you worried nonetheless. You got up from your seat and walked toward him.

He ran his hands through his hair once again.

-Are you okay? -

-Yes, yes fine- he replied coldly. -But I need to sort this out-

The Master walked out of the room and left you alone. He needed his time, you understood that. You just wished you could help, somehow. Not to mention, you were incredibly bored. You had spent the whole day just wandering around the TARDIS, in search of something to do. The Master had been gone for what felt like ages and now that he was finally here he was still busy with his latest adventure which you didn't know anything about. You picked up your book from the chair and looked at the cover. You could have just kept reading, you knew bothering the Master when he was in one of his moods was a really bad idea. 

Then why were you walking confindently toward his study? Oh well.

As you arrived in front of the half closed door, you could hear the Master cursing under his breath. You knocked, getting his attention. The room was dark, if not for a single candle on the desk where he sat. He glanced at you over his shoulder and the orange light of the fire exposed his tired features.

-I'm busy- he muttered before turning his back at you once more.

You weren't discouraged by that. You reached his desk covered in papers with strange drawings and words in a language you didn't understand.

-I know- you said, your hands behind your back. -I just thought you maybe needed some company-

-You thought wrong-

He really wasn't going to make it easy for you, was he?

-I was just thinking...- you could practically feel him rolling his eyes.

-Y/N- he warned.

-Come on, Master. It's been a long day, you've been away a while- as you talked you put your hands on his shoulders, feeling how tense they were. -Why don't you just relax a bit, mh?-

-I don't expect you to understand such a delicate matter- he said arrogantly but he made no effort to push you away as your hands massaged his back and shoulders.

-Oh I don't pretend to understand- you said with a velvet voice. -I just want to make you feel better. If you'll let me-

The Master closed his eyes as you purred sweet words into his ear.

-You're distracting me- he said weakly.

-Mh you don't seem to mind- you said pushing your hands under his jacket and leaving a kiss below his ear. You could swear you felt him shudder.

-Let yourself go- you whispered leaving a few more kisses on his neck. The Master tilted his head to the side to give you better access and you smirked. -You know you want to-

At that, the Master opened his eyes and before you noticed, he had gotten up and flipped you around so your back was hitting the desk's edge. His angry lips were on yours, cutting your breath short but you didn't mind. Your hands flew to his hair, gripping it tightly.

-You want me to let go? - he asked as his hands held your waist possessively. You nodded, looking into his deep, dark, lustfull eyes.

-You asked for it- he said, his voice hoarse. He took a step back.

-Kneel for me love-

His hair was messy, his dark curls falling on his forehead, his lips red and parted as he tried to steady his breath.

You didn't need to be asked twice. Your knees hit the floor sofly and you looked up at him with dilated pupils.

-Now, will you be a darling? - he asked with a smirk.

Your hands reached to unzip his trousers and free his hard cock. He drew in a deep breath as you stroked it steadily before slowly wrapping your lips around it. 

The Master closed his head and pushed his head back. It was such a sight to witness. You swirled your tongue around his tip and sucked hard, drowing a loud moan from him. He gripped a fistfull of your hair and tugged as you picked up a pace, bobbing your head to take as much of him as you could. His length hit the back of your throat and you moaned. The vibrations sent him a wave of pleasure and he gripped your hair tighter.

-Such a good girl- he praised and you closed your eyes. You could feel him getting closer and closer as his hips started to move frantically. You could feel your throat starting to burn up but you couldn't care less. The noises the Master was making were enough to make you forget the pain. You put your hand at the base of his cock to finally push him over the age and he groaned.

-Stop stop stop- he said urgently and you looked up at him with a raised eyebrow.

-Get up-

You quickly obliged and got to your feet. He caressed your cheek and you leaned into his touch. His finger traced your bottom lip, whiping some of his cum off it. You promptly put it into your mouth to lick it clean and the master parted his lips. His breath coming hot and heavy against your face, you held eye contact as he replaced his finger with his toung, pushing it deep into your mouth in a heated kiss.

-Bedroom- you muttered between kisses.

-No- he breathed without letting go of you. -I wanna fuck you right here, right now-

You moaned against his mouth and he pulled you up to sit on the desk. With a quick move of his hand he pushed everything off it and his precious papers ended up on the floor. You glanced briefly at them with a pleased smile before the Master pushed you gently on the desk. You looked up at him savouring the look of lust and adoration he directed you. He pushed your arms up to take your shirt off, suddenly gentle and careful. You helped him undress you, taking your bra off before unbottoning his shirt and pushing it off his shoulders. As soon as you were both naked he kissed you hard, your tongues dancing together. Soon, his lips left yours to leave a trail of kisses along your neck and down, on your stomach. You threw your head back feeling his mouth on your clit, hot waves of pleasure washing over you, making you blush.

-Master...god yes- you moaned and he moved his toung quicker, pushing a finger inside you. You gasped and gripped his hair with one hand and the edge of the desk with the other. You couldn't be sure you'd last long, considering the pace at which the Master was using his toung. As soon as he added another finger you felt like you could explode. -Oh god, go faster- you pleaded. The Master took his toung off you and smirked.

-Look at me- he asked as he curled his fingers inside you. You pushed your head further back.

-Y/N, look at me- this time it was an order. You did as you were told and met his big, beautiful eyes. His face got closer to your just a few inches away from kissing your needy lips.

-Do you want to come? -

What. A. Bastard.

You bit your bottom lip, not wanting to give in so easily.

-Oh you're being difficult. I see- he said. At that, he added another finger. You almost screamed in pleasure. -Answer- he whispered in your ear. His pace was getting slower by the second, making you groan in frustration. -Answer. Me-

-Yes! - you shouted. -Yes, I want to come-

-Ask nicely-

-You're such a...ah! -

He had placed his thumb on your clit, circling it gently.

-I did say you were asking for it- he replied smugly.

You finally fave in.

-Please- you begged. -Please, Master-

The Master drew in a deep breath and closed his eyes.

-It wasn't so hard, was it? - he said kissing your neck. Soon, his fingers had left your entrance and you moaned in disappointment but you were soon filled by his erection.

The sound he made when he entered you was your favourite sound. Maybe second only to the sound he made when he came.

He started with a moderate pace, growing more rapid by the minute. You clinged to him, keeping him close to your body as he kissed your breasts. You weren't going to last long and neither was he, you could tell.

-Say my name- he whispered against the skin of your neck.

-Master- you said.

-Again- his thrusts were becoming sloppier and his groans more desperate.

-Master- you said a little louder.

-One more time love-

You got closer to his ear, your hot lips touching it. -Master- you whispered. And that was it.

He came inside you with a loud groan, thrusting forward as he finished. The feeling of being filled by his hot cum was enough to push you over the edge and you came right after him.

You stayed like that for a while, you stroking his hair and him resting his forehead on your shoulder.

-Feelling better? - you asked aftere a few seconds of silence.

-Mh yes- he said leaving one last kiss on your neck before getting up. -Now get out. I need to work-

You rolled your eyes at him but got up and got your clothes back on.

At least you had helped him relax. You needed to interrupt his work more often.

[milkchu]

❝anyway the wind blows❞ five.

Summary: (Y/N) Mercury’s journey of love, fame, and pain, alongside what would become one of the most legendary bands ever, Queen.

Pairing: Borhap!Queen x Reader, eventual Brian May x Reader

A/N: sorry i haven’t been posting !!! this chapter was kind of a pain to write so i apologize if it does seem kinda bad heuheuhsudh. happy reading! 💓

Warnings: Mentions of drinking and smoking, suggestive themes

{previous chapter} {next chapter}

“Do you really think she’ll sing this?” Roger asked, holding onto a piece of paper, while looking at Brian, confused.

Brian shrugged, “It’s worth a try.”

“I do kind of like the song,” Roger said, “But, it’s literally about girls’ arses, Brian, she’ll never sing this!”

“Sing what?”

Brian, Roger, and John all jumped at your sudden appearance, letting out breaths when they see it was just you, sipping on a juice box.

Brian then cleared his throat, and stammered, “Oh, uh, it’s noth-”

“Brian wrote a song,” Roger interrupted, immediately handing over the piece of paper over to you.

The curly-haired guitarist then smacked his blond friend’s arm in annoyance before he started to tap on his chin in nervousness, cheeks warming up, while watching you read the lyrics.

Roger expected a sour look to appear on your face while you read the paper, but then got a smile slowly growing on your face instead.

“It’s alright if you don’t want to sing it,” Brian sighed, “I was stupid to ask-”

“Fuck yeah, I’ll sing it.”

I've been singing with my band

Across the wire, across the land

I seen every blue eyed floozy on the way, hey

But their beauty and their style

Went kind of smooth after a while

Take me to them dirty ladies every time

You couldn’t decide whether you loved America or not. It was definitely your kind of place but, some people can be such a drag.

Like last night, all four of you were out in a random pub and this stocky man kept flirting with you but luckily, your three favorite lads were there to protect you.

All of them were pissed off by it, especially Brian. You didn’t think that it would still irk him until the next day.

Maybe he was just was protective of his friend?

All of the bus trips to different parts of America mostly consisted of you sleeping, drinking, smoking, destroying the lads in Scrabble, and, Roger, sometimes Brian and John, picking up a few girls here and there.

It was a quite annoying and it bothered you a lot, but that was the new lifestyle, I guess.

C'mon!

Oh, won't you take me home tonight?

Oh, down beside your red firelight

“We love you, Cleveland!”

“We love you, Houston!”

Oh, and you give it all you got

“We love you, Denver! Very happy to be here!”

Fat bottomed girls, you make the rockin' world go 'round

Fat bottomed girls, you make the rockin' world go 'round

“And are the crowds big?” Matthew asked through the phone.

“Well, we’re selling out every night. I just wish you were here to see it, they really love us.” You replied, leaning against the payphone.

“We love you, Portland!”

Hey, listen here!

Now I got mortgages on homes

You can’t help but playfully tap Brian’s arse, “He’s got a big arse, too!”

I got stiffness in my bones

“We love you, New Orleans!”

Ain't no beauty queens in this locality, I tell you

“We love you, Atlanta!”

Oh, but I still get my pleasure

Still got my greatest treasure

You called over the blond drummer to the front, “Rog! Come down here and say hello!”

“We love you, Pittsburgh!”

“Roger!”

Heap big woman, you done made a big man of me

“I’m good, I just miss you,” Matthew said, feeling a bit lonely in your shared flat.

“What are you doing? You can’t possibly be having any fun without me.” You replied, playfully.

He chuckled, “Nothing as exciting as America.”

As he was saying this, you noticed a familiar man pass by you, you didn’t realize you were staring until he, himself, stared back and had a little smug smile on his face.

He continued to walk towards the bathroom, your eyes not leaving him.

“Say hi to the boys for me,” Matthew’s voice snapped you back to reality, before you stammered, “I will, I love you.”

“Bye, (Y/N), I love you.” Matthew breathed, before ending the call to go to work.

As the man opened the bathroom door, he looked back toward you once more with a suggestive smirk and went inside.

You put the phone back and leaned against the wall, getting a view of his black t-shirt that had your band’s logo on the back above the word, ‘crew.’

Get on your bikes and ride

Ooh yeah, oh yeah, them fat bottomed girls

Fat bottomed girls

Yeah yeah yeah

Alright, ride 'em, c'mon

Fat bottomed girls, yes yes

 Looking at the closed door with a sigh, you began to reflect on all the times you had felt this way, or had this kind of moment.

 You felt. . . somewhat unhappy or empty. But, what more could you ask for? You and your band were literally rockstars at this point. 

You still couldn’t quite figure it out yet but luckily, the amazing shows and its crowds were there to distract you from it.

 After you had all returned home from the tour, a meeting was set up between the band and Ray Foster.

 It was way past the agreed meeting time and Ray Foster’s office was currently in complete utter silence, except for the occasional tongue-clicking and sighs, as everyone including Reid, Paul and, Jim Beach all waited for you.

The silence was suddenly interrupted with the door slamming open, “Hello,” You greeted, walking in with an outfit that clearly contrasted everyone else’s.

“You’re late,” Foster said with a somewhat annoyed tone, as you made your way to the empty seat, “Am I?”

As you passed by, your bandmates’ eyes couldn’t help but follow your ‘figure’ that Brian definitely did not write that song about, wearing the shortest shorts they’ve ever seen.

Paul smiled, before gesturing towards the empty seat, “Saved you a seat.”

“Lovely,” You said, before sitting down, immediately grabbing a cigarette from your jacket pocket.

“Okay, so, now that we’re all here, Jim, this is Ray Foster, Ray, this is the band’s lawyer, Jim Beach,” Reid introduced them.

“Oh, you must stop calling him that,” You said, as you lit up your cigarette.

Reid sighed, “That’s his name.”

“No, we cannot keep calling him ‘Jim Beach’. No, that’s absurd, not to mention, unspeakably boring.” You counter, before taking a drag.

“Miami,” You announced, Brian letting out a chuckle, “From now on, I dub thee, Miami Beach!” You grinned, as you pointed towards him.

 Jim chuckled, “The sun always sets behind you, doesn’t it? On. . . Miami Beach.”

You shot him a smile in amusement, “Hm.”

“Right. Now that everybody’s got an acceptable name, let’s get to it,” Foster began, “Look, we just really need something special. More hits, like Killer Queen. . . only bigger.”

You grabbed a record from the bag beside your chair and stood up, walking towards the record player by Foster’s desk.

“It’s not bloody widgets we’re making,” Roger chided, “We can’t just reproduce Killer Queen.”

Replacing the record with the one that you brought, “No,” You set down the tone arm onto the record, “We can do better.”

As music started to play, you looked towards your bandmates with a knowing smile before taking a drag out of your cigarette.

Brian looked at you in amusement as you started to sway around behind Foster, “It’s opera,” Foster said with a deadpan tone.

“Opera!” Reid nodded, before Paul joined in too, “Opera!”

Your bandmates nodded in enjoyment as John says, “Yeah, there seems to be an echo in here!”

Swaying along with the music, your bandmates join along as well, while Foster just looked at you in bewilderment.

As the louder part of the song came, your hand moved along with it, ending literally with a bang on Foster’s desk.

You and your bandmates began to shake, trying hard not to laugh out loud at Foster’s reaction.

Afterwards, you slowly swayed your way back to the record player, before turning down the volume.

“See, we don’t want to repeat ourselves, the same formula, over and over,” Brian explained.

“Formulas are a complete and utter waste of time,” You continued, as Brian nodded in agreement.

“Formulas work. Let’s stick with the formulas, I like formulas,” Foster said, a smile growing on his face.

Completely ignoring what he just said, “We’ll call the album. . .” You looked over towards your bandmates, “A Night at the Opera.”

Foster sighed, “Are you aware that no one actually likes opera?”

“I like opera,” Miami chimed, “Do you?” Foster looked over to him before Reid chimed in as well, “I do.”

“No, don’t misunderstand, darling. It’s a rock and roll record. . . with the scale of opera, the pathos of Greek tragedy, the wit of Shakespeare, the. . . unbridled joy of musical theater,” You grinned.

Your bandmates nodded in agreement, before you continued, “It’s a musical experience, rather than just another record.”

“Something for everyone. . . something. . .” You looked over towards your bandmates, “Something that will make people feel belongs to them.”

“We’ll mix genres, we’ll cross boundaries, we’ll. . . we’ll speak in bloody tongues if we want to!” You chuckled.

“There’s no musical ghetto that can contain us!” Roger argued.

“That’s it,” You pointed towards him.

“No one knows what Queen means because it doesn’t mean one thing!” John added.

Foster sighed, before looking over towards Reid, “What do you think, John?”

“I. . . agree with the band,” Reid gestured towards you all before Foster replied, “Of course you do. How about you, uh. . .”

“Miami,” Jim answered, as you look at him with a grin, “Fortune favors the bold.”

You turned towards Foster, placing both your hands on his desk, “Surely, a man of your. . . unique taste isn’t afraid of a little risk?”

Foster then shook his head at you, “Please don’t make me regret this.”

You grinned as you pointed towards him,

“You’re fun.”

atwb taglist; @yoonlatte // @alexfayer // @everything-you-dont-wanna-be // @itsametaphorbriansblog // @marequeenii // @killer-queen-xo // @jedi-dreea // @achernarsaa // @nevaeh-potter15 // @banana-tree-freddiemercury // @rogertaylorssunglasses // @pyrotechnic789 // @mirkwoodshewolf // @stuff-exists // @toger-raylor // @langdonzvoid // @imamazzellhoe // @tbird20165

others; @icantgetnorelief // @b-hardys // @spideyyypeter // @hunterswearingplaid

[bitegore]

💩,💣,💖

Ship that you find disgusting:

DiMR, from Zim. I really don’t like sibling/sibling or parent/child incest At All, Please And Thank You, Keep That 100 Feet Away From Me At All Times. also literally any ship that gets justified with “well they’re adopted so it’s not ~really incest~” just makes me go fucking feral

that said i don’t actually have anything against people who ship fictional incest so long as they’re not actively going around crossing others’ boundaries while doing it, i feel the need to clarify that lol. real person ships are a totally different deal for me but that’s not what this is about

Ship that pisses you off:

I don’t… really have any of these i dont think? I have some that make me uncomfortable, but they don’t really make memad lol. Certain works sometimes piss me off but that’s generally more to do with the way the writer wrote the thing.

I guess maybe Rung/Whirl?? im gonna be honest here ive been like scratching my head for a solid three minutes trying to figure out a single answer for this asdfhasdbfla

Ship that needs more love: 

impactor/megatron. the angst….. the angst………..

[bigskydreaming]

Seriously, for fuck’s sake, I know that post was AT LEAST as far back as December, if not more, and it literally had less than ten notes just two hours ago.

But remember! I’m on a fucking CRUSADE! I just want to take away peoples’ rape fics and harmless kiddie porn fantasies and I just can’t respect the fact that as long as people just TAG their ‘herein lies my advertisement of the fact that hahaha, omg I think what happened to you is actually kinda hot and sexy giggle giggle aren’t I so TABOO????’ smut like lol okay, well that doesn’t affect me at all, I’m not remotely bothered by having to spend every single day wading through reminders of how much more fascinating people find rape than actual survivors of said things. 

I’m the one who has no idea how to live in a society with other people and suck it up and deal with the fact that sometimes, people do and say things that make us uncomfortable and we wish we could avoid, but just shut the fuck up and keep that to yourself, right? Don’t like....TELL people they’ve made you uncomfortable and are doing things that you wish they’d think about more critically, gosh, all that’s gonna do is make THEM uncomfortable then, why couldn’t you just kept it to yourself, how dare you think TALKING about problems is the solution?????

Yup yup, I’m clearly the one who has no boundaries and no regard for other people and can’t let people just have their harmless fun, their different opinions that don’t actually affect me, I’m the one who just can’t seem to stop from hunting down posts I don’t agree with and hopping on other blogs and resurrecting weeks or months old posts just to make sure EVERYONE KNOWS THIS POST WAS WROOOOOOONG. Lmao.

Well I’m very sorry for all that, now that mine eyes have been opened! Rape fics are harmless and this is all just fictional, nobody is actually affected in a negative way by anything being talked about here yaaaaaaay!

Anyway, I’m off to spend the rest of the night trying to calm down lolol because fun fact for people who love to talk about being triggered but have no real clue what they’re actually talking about and how that word was never meant to describe being like...upset or angry but rather the stimuli or situations that put survivors and people with PTSD and other mental disorders into actual goddamn panic spirals and attacks. And thus like, triggers are not as fucking obvious as some of you seem to think they are.

Like lol guess what, I actually can read a scene wherein someone’s raping someone in a scene that looks or sounds EXACTLY LIKE MY RAPE and it can be heart-wrenching and it can be graphic and it can be emotional and I can still not be triggered by that! Know why? Because shockingly, I AM aware that this is just fictional! That these are just fictional characters! That no fictional character and no real person has been harmed in the writing of this scene, because FICTIONAL CHARACTERS CAN’T BE HARMED! Know what else fictional characters can’t be? RAPED. Because rape is not a VISUAL, rape is not an ACTION, rape is not a SPECIFIC SEQUENCE OF EVENTS. Rape is a THEFT, it is one person STEALING another person’s ability to control what happens with their body, taking what they have no right to take, just because they WANT to, just because they CAN. And thus NO rape scene, no matter HOW well written or realistically depicted, is ever going to BE a rape scene, just like no ‘rape fantasy’ roleplay is ever going to BE rape because without an actual DYNAMIC of one person taking something the other person has no power to stop, when its two equally consenting partners or two flat fictional characters on a page, it is still nothing more than a SIMULATION of rape, and NEVER ANYTHING MORE THAN THAT.

And guess what? I can handle THAT just fine. THAT doesn’t trigger me no matter how much it reminds me of my own trauma, because I KNOW DAMN WELL THAT ISN’T REAL.

But you know what IS real? You know what DOES trigger me? The CONTEXT of the scene. The REASON it was written, the intended REACTION of the reader.

The part that makes me lose my fucking shit is when I’m forced to face the reality that this scene exists, was written, because somebody found it HOT and SEXY and wanted to share it with people who’d see it the same way. The reason I lose my goddamn MIND and my adrenaline ramps up and my whole body starts shaking as my fight or flight instincts kick in with no actual outlet because there’s no actual threat, just the phantom reminder of a threat I couldn’t escape from....THAT fun little adventure comes from looking or hearing about things that remind me of my rape, take me back to that fucking room and make me a terrified out of my goddamn mind dumbass nineteen year old all over again.....and knowing that this is HOT to the writer and readers, that this is  intended as sexually gratifying, that this scene, this depiction, this simulation of one person STEALING from another powerless person SOMETHING THEY WILL NEVER EVER FUCKING BE ABLE TO GET BACK AS LONG AS THEY LIVE, THE SENSE OF SAFETY AND SECURITY THAT COMES FROM BEING THE ONLY PERSON WHO GETS TO DECIDE WHO HAS ACCESS TO YOUR BODY....knowing that this little smutty fic exists so people can read this and be TURNED ON by this, so they can GET OFF to this, this thing they’re looking at in their mind, reading about, picturing as they stare down at their screen getting all hot and bothered....

JUST LIKE MY FUCKING RAPIST LOOKED WHEN GETTING OFF FROM TAKING THOSE THINGS FROM ME.

THAT is what fucking triggers me, THAT is what makes me feel unsafe and panicky, THAT is what traps me all over again in that fucking goddamn room and leaves me STUCK there no matter how many years its been and HOW far I’ve come in getting past it...

THE CONSTANT NEVER ENDING REMINDER THAT PEOPLE THINK ITS TOTALLY NO BIG DEAL TO FUCKING AGREE WITH MY RAPIST ABOUT HOW FUCKING HOT AND SATISFYING THE VIEW IS FROM UP THERE.

And all the fucking trigger warnings in the world don’t protect me from THAT, they just emphasize how little people actually give a shit, they just want the magic answer to how they can have their fun ‘harmless’ little rape KINK without having someone make them feel bad for the fact that the rank goes FUN RAPE FANTASIES YAY first and survivors who have a problem with that way the fuck last.

Anyway, so that’s what I’ll be doing all night! Links to my paypal and my ko-fi are on my main blog page if anyone’s ever felt informed or learned anything from any of my many, many, MANY posts about this stuff or any form of gratitude for the effort I DO or at least once DID put into sorting through my thoughts and making my points in some kind of way that actually addresses the usual conversations around all this.

Because guess what? It IS goddamn fucking emotional labor. It DOES take work! Its EXHAUSTING. It HURTS. I would give anything in the world to NOT pick at that giant fucking scab as often as I do, but I DONT HAVE THAT OPTION. Because not talking about it DOESNT MAKE IT GO AWAY. It doesn’t make LESS for me to have to navigate through every goddamn day of my life and you know what the suggested response to problems that you can’t fix on your own are? Problems with SOCIETY?

HAVING GODDAMN CONVERSATIONS ABOUT IT.

So excuse me for SAYING that as often as I do especially cuz every time I DO I get maybe ten notes of acknowledgment that anyone’s even fucking LISTENING but meanwhile here’s another fucking five hundred on a Batfam or X-Men shit post, now THAT’S the content people want from me!

Guess what! I WANT THAT TO BE MY CONTENT TO!

I would LOVE nothing more than to just be able to happily and comfortably shitpost about my favorite superheroes and write stuff I enjoy and that doesn’t have the flaws I rant about seeing in so many shows and books. I could talk for HOURS about fun thoughts and ideas I have in my head, I could banter back and forth with my friends about nothing of substance at all for DAYS, I don’t NEED to fucking retraumatize myself every goddamn day screaming into the void about this shit so I can feel IMPORTANT or have something INTERESTING to blog about or whatever the fuck people think is my reason for ranting about this shit. ALL. THE. GODDAMN. TIME.

But I can’t do that, because there is not a fucking day that goes by, not a DAY where SOMETHING doesn’t cross my dash, or SOMETHING isn’t on an Ao3 page I’m searching through for fic about a fave character, that doesn’t set me off and make my body start shaking with how deeply, fundamentally UPSETTING it is to constantly be bombarded with reminders of just how easy people find it to reframe my trauma as something hot and sexy and WAY MORE WORTH DEFENDING than the very thought of me going ONE FUCKING DAY without having to stumble across bullshit like that. Because I CAN’T ‘dont like/dont read’ as much is out there. I don’t need to click on a fic to see this is smut fic by an author who thinks rape is hot and judging from the number of kudos and comments and hits is definitely on to something! GUESS I DID MY RAPE WRONG THEN, cuz it wasnt fucking hot for me!

I would love to just ‘avoid’ it so I can actually ENJOY my fucking time on the internet. But I CANT. Because its EVERYWHERE. And god forbid I try and start fucking CONVERSATIONS about that so that maybe, someday, after we’ve done the work as a society to examine WHY PEOPLE ARE SO FUCKING INVESTED IN THIS STUFF, I or at the very least people like me, can someday enjoy one day on the internet where they DONT have to constantly wade through an endless swamp of that shit.

Honestly. Seriously. I have said it so often I can not count. I do not want to censor anyone. I do not want power over what people can read or write. I just. want. to TELL people that when they write this stuff, it has CONSEQUENCES, that there are people it DOES hurt, and have them LISTEN, so that at least, at LEAST the ones who are bothered enough by that realization to NOT be comfortable writing it when faced with the awareness of the fact that their writing HAS THIS EFFECT WHETHER WE SAY IT TO THEIR FACES OR NOT, that THEY at least can decide....hey. What if I just...wrote something else instead?

But what the FUCK am I supposed to do with the constant, incessant reminder that people would rather dig in their heels in defense of their RAPE FANTASIES than roll up their sleeves and do a little fucking examination of WHY they and society at large are so fucking invested in this shit that the very IDEA of ‘giving up’ content like this for the sake of people who have actually LIVED through it, is just....INCOMPREHENSIBLE to them? That they feel ATTACKED by the very idea?

(And don’t fucking come at me with that ‘some survivors use it to cope’ stuff. Yeah, well I used to get in bar fights as my coping mechanism. Didn’t fucking mean it was healthy, and it wasn’t fucking harmless to anyone I punched in the goddamn face, now was it? Also, if you’re not a survivor and you hide behind that line, FEEL FUCKING ASHAMED for thinking of it as a kneejerk response to another survivor telling you your “kink” fucking hurts).

I’m out. See you all later.

[mirkstrolls]

[LOG] dumpster days pt 1/3

[Chatlogs from over on #BWIC: the conversations that occur as Widsth Orpheo (inspiredTalesmith) pisses off a history gang and spends an afternoon trying to avoid their very physical ire.  Takes place over a good seven hours -- I’ve trimmed out most of the irrelevant dialogue, so if you want to read Hadean and Emerel threatening each other, this is not the place for that.

Also starring Pheres Dysseu (refiningSpacetime), Emerel Victis (meganeNarcissus), Hadean Dauths (invertedDissident), Ullane Wistim (journeyingMedic), and Sielan Reisov (pivotalPersuasion).  

In this issue: shaming Pheres for his interest in troll Twilight, a bad limerick, Emerel offers to help, Ullane realizes that Widsth does this too often.]

RS: | I will Give Sixty Beetles to Whoever Presents Me with Something Entertaining | RS: | Because I am Afraid I am About to Expire from Boredom |

IT: I am about to lose ConneCtion to the internet IT: But it may interest thee to know, Sir Dysseu,  that I didst just aCCidentally inCur the wrath of most of the West Alpine SeCtor HistoriCal SoCiety IT: 'Tis too long a tale to relate at the moment, but it doth involve a Certain private diary,  the Cerulean Dynasty's fashion for pierCing deliCate plaCes IT: And a great many sCandalized historians who are now defaming my honest reputation!!! IT: ...They wish to defame me, in faCt, with pitChforks IT: Adieu!

RS: | | | RS: | Well | ! | As Always | RS: | Orpheo Wins | =:) |

MN: wEll orphEos fuckEd MN: sucks to bE you pal

ID: hahaha what.

MN: looks likE hE got a hold of somEonEs diary and blastEd that shit MN: hE might not bE aliVE now MN: and by that .I. mEan hEs probably still running knowing pissEd off bluEs MN: oh man this is grEat

ID: ahahah that's pretty wild. run nerd, spread the awful awful truth.

MN: hE fights the good fight haha

ID: the fight that ancient highbloods are huge pervs. who could have seen it coming.

MN: .I. for onE am just shockEd

ID: all those historians so crushed. by the knowledge their idols were packing some extra metal.

MN: .I.m not that crushEd MN: .I. actually am a historian MN: this is prEtty normal by now

ID: you are, huh. do you have a specialty or are you just a well rounded nerd. ID: why are there so many nerds in this chatroom.

MN: .I.m thE most wEll roundEd nErd MN: but nah MN: military history

ID: well at least you chose an interesting part to be a nerd about.

MN: Exactly MN: .I. cant gEt Enough of this shit MN: EVEr bEEn to thE rEEnactmEnt fair MN: wE haVE a big fight ring aftEr the battlE rEplays arE donE MN: somEtimEs pEoplE diE MN: but thE prizEs arE grEat

ID: uh no because i have no idea where the fuck to find one of those. but battle replays sound fun. ID: unless you're on the side that loses i guess.

MN: which to bE fair isnt that diffErEnt from anything ElsE pEoplE haVE bEEn doing forEVEr but you know MN: thE closEst onE is outsidE cascara MN: chEck it out somEtimE .I. say bEcausE thE nExt fairE is nExt wEEk

ID: uh cascara. will make a note of it. and figure out where the fuck that is.

MN: hErE MN:  Sent hErEsamap.png

[MN and ID threaten each other in a vaguely pitch-flirty manner and challenge each other to a duel at the historical fair. JM says she’s seen too many undead for her taste.]

RS: | But | Have You Seem any Sparkling White Ones | like in the Films | JM | ? | Inquiring Minds wish to Know | =:P |

MN: wE dont EVEn takE chancEs and somEonE on staff burns thE dEad

JM: Sound practice JM: Those films are made by idiots who deserve to be drained of blood. JM: No. Thankfully.

ID: what movies.

JM: You'll be sorry you asked. JM: I feel RS is going to answer.

MN: sEE .PHERES.I.m not thE only onE who kEEps tElling you thosE moViEs suck

JM: They are awful JM: and stupid JM: and inaccurate

RS: / someone else do the title / I'm with a customer / =:( /

ID: i no longer care what movie it is. since it apparently sucks.

RS: / and they are perfectly fine / my sympathies for your lack of taste / =:) / both of yours /

JM: No self-respecting drinker would be so soppy

MN: look .I.m going to shortEn thE titlE MN: and call it MN: thE film in which a drinkEr starEs at a girl whilE shE slEEps and shE is okay with it

JM: Especially not over such a pathetic protagonist JM: Exactly JM: It is disgusting JM: all the characterization is bad JM: terrible quadrant dynamics

MN: thE wErEfiEnds wErE hot as hEll and thats thE bEst part of the moViE

RS: / it's meant to emphasize the pitiful nature of their relationship / for heaven's sake /

JM: There's pitiful JM: And there's downright obnoxious

MN: .PHERES. no it wasnt

JM: Also it was disturbing JM: And crossed boundaries

IT: Dysseu, art thou aCtually defending that film

JM: Unfortunately

ID: if any drinker was staring at me while i slept. i'd gut them.

MN: holy shit hEs still aliVE

ID: for now.

IT: I am on the run for my life IT: And I must needs stop

JM: wait

IT: to KINKSHAME thee

JM: Ha

MN: haha is thE cErulEan chaptEr still aftEr you

IT: ...Ye muses, no wonder thou didst think RiCCin attraCtive IT: 'Tis the fangs, is it not????

MN: its thou thought dudE

JM: Some people are into that

RS: / oh / go back to reading your filthy eulogies / orpheo / hahaaaa / RS: | NO |

JM: It's okay RS JM: We accept you

ID: ahahahahah

JM: But not your movie taste JM: ...Orpheo? [edited] JM: Widsth Orpheo?

IT: 'Tis I, Orphep

JM: Shut

MN: .I. loVE you man but your moViE tastEs suck and .I. will not stand by whilE thEy hurt you

IT: )That was a humorous untruth but yes, that is my name)

JM: You may not remember me

MN: orphEo holy shit arE you typing whilE you run

JM: But I treated you

IT: jog wouldst be more aCCurate henCe my deteriorating quirk IT: !!!!!!

ID: how long until pheres asks emerel to dress up like the main character though.

IT: MediC Wistim??

JM: Ah JM: Yes

MN: oh my god MN: hadEan you haVE .NO IDEA.

JM: HaJM: Wait has he done that

ID: ahahahah are you serious.

MN: hE kEEps trying to put .ME. into thE drinkEr aEsthEtic box

JM: That's amazing

IT: hello there dear lady!! IT: also HAS HE DONE THAT

ID: do you have to say lines.

JM: Oh please JM: I hope so

IT: I NEED CONFIRMATION, MN

JM: "I'm not good for you, Bellah"

MN: .NO I REFUSE.

JM: You mean JM: He has tried

MN: .I WILL NOT DRESS UP AS TROLL EDWARD CULLEN.

ID: ahahahahah i'm dying.

IT: :O :O :O

MN: thats classifiEd

JM: This is amazing

IT: >:D

ID: does he want you to bite him and shit.

MN: also classifiEd

ID: so definitely yes.

IT: ye gods

MN: .I. will not confirm or dEny MN: on a public chat

JM: In the absence of proof JM: I will assume yes

MN: hEy orphEo arE you anywhErE nEar cascara

IT: this materisl doth beg a limeriCk

JM: Do it JM: It can only make it better JM: To record it forever JM: To testify Pheres's mistakes

MN: bEcausE if you arE .I. might bE ablE to swing by and hElp you out MN: .I. know a fEw guys from thE cErulEan branch

JM: Please help him I had to put him back together not too long ago JM: Don't let my work go to waste

IT: At the request of the lovely Ullane IT: There onCe was a troll called pher IT: his pref'renCes were quite clear IT: he told his mate "bite me, IT: and perhaps, glow slightly?" IT: on the whole 'twas rather queer IT: afaojf pardon me a momeny

MN: amazing MN: .I. haVE no idEa how you camE up with that on thE run MN: but good job

JM: edhjckkkkkkk I slipped and fell off my seat JM: My horn hit the keyboard JM: Thanks to my laughter

MN: oh .MY. god

ID: hahah lovely. almost brings a tear to my eye, 8/10.

JM: The art of our time

ID: i mean i thought that shit was ancient art. isn't art these days memes.

JM: Think, ID JM: It incorporated modern media JM: Like the dreadful film JM: Ancient form, modern subject

ID: got me there i guess.

JM: Score

[izzpeng]

Unsent Emails

25/08/2016

To: julian.smith@jus.edu.bn

Subject: Surprise bitch, I'm back!

Dear Smithy,

First of all I would like to say, fuck you for telling me I wouldn't get an A* in maths just because I messed around in class too much. Second of all, I would like to thank you for being a fraction of motivation in my math studies. I have to admit, I liked you enough to study 10% harder than I usually do and for that you deserve a blog post dedicated to you, just kidding you worthless piece of shit who wont even dedicate your thoughts to me. But it's too late now, so you're very fortunate for even being mentioned in my oh so popular blog.

Thanks for being a great teacher/supporter/motivator/useless advisor/racist bastard/...friend. See you in the afterlife you dick.

With cold fury,

Izzati Azhan

To: roland.lopez@jis.edu.bn

Subject: God Bless the Lopez

Dear Lopezo Mighty,

You don't deserve a 'fuck you' because you knew my potential and only encouraged me day after day, with your sadistic humour and the quiet blazing fire dancing in your eyes which was the only sign that you're actually human. I'd express my gratitude in a 10,000 word essay but I'm sure you'll just read the introduction and conclusion and base my grade off those two paragraphs. But without your life coaching I would not have gotten A*A* for both my Eng Lit and Lang. Dare I say it, thank you for setting us a Date Wiv Des Tinny, those practice papers were torture each week but well worth it in the end. You are my spirit animal in all dimensions, maybe except in Hell where you'd be Satan but...

Stay Healthy Senôr!

With all my love (though you believe it is just another concept of convenience),

Izzati Azhan

To: beenal.roberts@jus.edu.bn

Subject: bust out the roti, girl its about to get some of this izzatikkamasala

Dear Beenal the Brindian,

I know I know, this time its a fuck me for getting an A and not an A* but Miss I was 3 marks of an A* if that makes you feel any better, it does with me! I actually don't feel that thankful towards you since I do feel I did hm... mostly all the work, I took the exam after all. But an email of gratitude to show manners and my kissing ass abilities can't hurt can it? So terima kasih for all the lessons you spent dramatically telling us your stories, sometimes even twice of the same one, thanks for letting me doodle in class just because you talk a lot of the time and therefore I am allowed to half listen. I wouldn't be the indian food loving person I am today without you, oh and almost forgot... of course thanks for helping me achieve that almost A*! Fuck the examiner for me next time will ya.

With all my beloved assets,

Izzati Azhan

To: andy.mcculloch@jus.edu.bn

Subject: smile at me wit ur eyes, nat yo mouth only

Dear Turquoise Eyes,

I'd like to get to know the 16 yr old you but my chance has passed. Inappropriate flirting aside, guess what sir! I got exactly what I got in the most recent geo mocks 149/180 and I thought the mocks weren't an accurate indication. I'd like to thank you for having beautiful eyes and smiling at me even though on the inside you be like "lol fucktard thats the most incorrect answer ever, like not even close." I enjoyed your classes and you're sometimes funny but not on purpose, more like weird funny yknow? I think you'd like to get credit for my success but honestly i learnt how to answer case studies properly through Ajmal through Mr Cook, so who is really my teacher here? Me. Because I taught myself to sought answers and techniques elsewhere but sure I guess you can have some credit, those eyes deserve at least a generous 5%. lol ok bye tq

With a 9 on the Ritcher Scale,

Izzati Azhan,

You guessed it, the wait is over! #gcseresults2016 was trending on twitter and the sounds of 16yr olds packing their bags, getting ready to get disowned by their parents was the most honest and lit af song this year (after Frank Ocean's Blond of course). I admit its always nerve-wracking receiving results, where a single exam determines your ability to understand (or memorise) a two year course. But I had faith that with my prayers and hard work Allah gave me the results I truly deserved, so presumably my anxiety was on the down low while my trust in God was at sky high.

Alhamdulillah I got 3A's 6A*, I was so confident I would smash an A* with Business and Art but alas the grade boundaries proved me otherwise. With three fucking marks off an A* in Business I was so irritated at which examiner marked my paper, not irritated to risk a request for a remarking though. And Art, I hoped for an A*  but instead faced it's less prestigious sibling, an A. I asked around of course, not trying to compare or anything but I just needed to know what the students who I thought was for sure going to get A* actually got, to my delightful (?) surprise they too got an A which led me to believe that scoring an A* in Art is no easy business. Business isn't easy either lmao.

To this, I must admit defeat to my mother. She's been on my back for my choice of Art as an A-level subject saying its hard to score high in Art, but my cocky ass just waved it away and dismissed it altogether. Doubt has risen up in my throat, threatening my artistic capabilities to spill out across the walls of abandoned buildings as grafitti instead of street art. So thats something to think about before Saturday Morning.

UPDATE:

I attended Enrollment day alone, my heart beating, my eyes watering and my mind wandering. I chose to do IB diploma, for many reasons. I am just so drawn to how different it is, I think of all the future local Bruneians who did A-levels asking for the sam scholarship then I imagine the MoE going through the applications like "Great a-levels, a-levels, a-levels Oooo IB whats this?" and I just feel like I would have a standing chance you know? It would also help me to mix around with more international students and prepare for the university life so when I do go to university Insyallah I wont feel vulnerable and small.

But I just feel like my mother is against me taking IB, like she's trying to be supportive by giving a tight smile and grim nods but inside I know she's not convinced and this all happened on the way to the Arts Centre which made me even feel more queasy. My Father on the other hand, gave me a genuine "Go for it" which helped me so much on every level, I just need the motivation, just that little push to help me get going, feed me a trickle more of confidence.

So I had a choice to approach either Duckling or Dickinson on my IB subjects, and okay Dickinson was full okay there was a long queue and I ended up going to Duckling because I really had no choice! hehehhehhehehhe. Anyway I waved the papers in my hand high above to indicate that I was next and he laughed and told me to come and sit, so naturally I did. He took a look at my grades and praised me and then circled my subjects that I intend on studying, giving me advice that I should only need Math Studies seeing as how I'm not thinking of a mathematical kind of career. He then said " blablablabla Youre subjects are a smart choice, I think you're good to go, Welcome to the IB program"

And that was the clarity I was searching for, that little- push.

NOT JUST BCS HE'S HIM BUT BCS I NEEDED TO HEAR IT.

Just before that, Brindian approached me asking me  about my business results and encouraging me to take that remark because I was three marks off an A* saying that theres no reason I dont deserve the A*. I was uncertain because sure it makes me feel so fucking good about myself and so very satisfied, but who really needs an A* in GCSE Business to get accepted into a University? So I made a face. The face. and She went "What do you have to lose?" And of course one thing instantly came to mind "Um money?" then she gave me a look. The look. So I said I'll think about it and apparently only 1 or 2 students got A*. The thing is I actually would get it remarked if my Art grade also got bumped up to an A* but I have no idea what Ms Stroud is trying to do by contacting the exam board?

So thats that, she asked me about my ever so popular brother. So I told him oh he did well, she asked about which university and I replied Leicester and I told her that Im actually going off and missing 3 weeks of school. Then she went "oh you know Leicester's my hometown, in what area is he living because Im there in December" and i was like wtf creepy. And she continued saying "Oh Imagine if we just bumped into each other on the streets" and I was going to say something awkward because like what the fuck right? But Mr Duckling was open and ultimately saved me and she gestured me to go ahead.

After that, Mr mcluck approached me well not really, well kind of but it was super fucking awkward because I was waiting for my turn with Mrs Krüger and he was on the table nearby and made eye contact and he smiled and I returned it and i was like fuck am i suppose to go over lmao so i slowly sat down while he came over to me. YAKNOW gotta play hard to get. SO again he asked me are you happy with you results blablablabla were you nervous getting your results so I told him that I wasnt as nervous because other people were like "oh my life is over" and he laughed and blablablabla just mostly nodding and smiling. Then he asked me about my brother's results hi ok 2nd teacher to ask about my brother cool. I gave him a vague oh he did well and told him Leicester University on 18th September and I added that I was actually going to send him off and missing 3 weeks of school. Blablbalbalbalabl then he finally asked about IB saying that oh great choice.

And Wendy told me that at the YC Mcluck was talking about me to wendy asking me what I got and he saying that i Was exceptional kekekekkekekekk fuck man his eyes are so blue, dont think about it dont think about. Did i tell you I had a dream of him as Ben Affleck like wtf, first of all why would I even dream about him, maybe it was because I crossed his mind like just the night before omg. but whatever. Idk that made me feel so good about myself. Then Brindian thought that Fatin was Hana and approached Fatin and Wendy haahhahahahah and somehow started talking about me?? Like boi they both love me so much, I wonder if Lopez or Julibear bear talks about me like that. Sigh imagine

Smithy: Shes a fucking pain in the ass

Lupez: Intelligent fucking pain alright

Smithy and Lupez: But she's our pain in the ass.

OMGGGGGGGGG I loved all my GCSE teachers and classes! like those were the best days of my JIS experience so far. Art was super chill, she let us sing out loud together saying that we were the only class who did that and that she'll miss us :(((((((( Smithy couldnt care less, he just moved on click like that. Anyway, hope everyone got what they expected with their results or better and just remember kids, grades DO define who are and where you'll be in life. lol goodluck fam.

Izzati

[kasery]

It has been a very hard day. Valentines Day 5 years ago (imagine that, honestly) someone I trusted to be platonic, even brother-like, admitted to me he didn’t feel like that at all and I realized everything he had done, every boundary crossed, everything that he had swept under the rug as a normal thing, was very, very wrong. I just really remember him giving me a chocolate bar and stabbing a knife in between his fingers; and going home that night and telling my parents while they watched the fucking Westminister Dog Show. I remember all these text messages flooding in from girl friends telling me I should just date him, and feeling just fucked up and wrong. I had made a huge mistake. It fucked me up for years. It still fucks me up. On a less, horrifyingly triggering note, I got my study guide for my German midterm today. The midterm is this Thursday. It’s 20% of my grade (fine, whatever, thats normal) and requires me to have outside knowledge of German history, people, dates, etc etc that I just don’t really have. And then I have to write about them in German. I have 36 hours to fit that all in.  Which would be fine, I guess I could cram that all in, but I’m already late on an essay in ANOTHER class worth 15% of my grade. I did the first draft wrong and have to rewrite it. I don’t really understand what it’s supposed to be about, and I’ve asked my professor for clarification, but she just got frustrated and sent me a really curt email about how its “all in the syllabus”, but I’ve read the syllabus over and over and I still don’t understand. Every day I’m late I get marked down a grade. I also told her I was probably gonna be later than expected on the essay (due to German midterm), and she told me that “she understands I’m sorry and I want to do well but she’s gonna grade by the syllabus”. I never asked for anything else, and just feel like my intentions were really misunderstood, but now I’m as lost as ever. I feel terrible. I really let her down.  I don’t understand whats going on in 3 of my 4 classes anyway. I just feel like I’m letting all my professors (and further, myself and my father) down. In the back of my mind I’m thinking about this summer, and that’s a whole bag of insanity in its own right. Willowbrook (the summer camp I work for) needs an answer as to whether or not i’m coming back by the end of February; I was planning on trying to intern for OPB, but I won’t even know until mid-May, maybe even early June. So either I make the decision now and give up the idea of going to OPB (which is something I absolutely want to do), or I apply to OPB, pray, and risk not having a job for the summer. This is my Junior year of college. Next summer, I will be freshly graduated and looking for a job in general; I’d like to have some kind of resume-fodder before then. Everyone I talk to either goes “i dont know man” (which is true, but incredibly unhelpful) or has a personal stake in it and makes it way harder. I don’t know what to do. Finally, at least partially due to my brother leaving the state, I’ve had a huge spike of obsessive compulsive bullshit. I’m terrified I’m in love with my best friend, even though I know I’m not. I just have this rhetoric flying around my head about what being in love is like-- smiling when you see them, and just being really involved in their lives-- and it really scares me. My brother is constantly mean to me, and because he’s in fucking Minnesota, he can’t just hug me to show me he still loves me even though everything he says to me is snappy and mean. I’m trying to detach from him a little (but not fully, he’s still my fucking brother) and the realization that someone you love might not be the most healthy for you at this moment in time is a really, really hard one. I miss having that closeness, and just someone that can give me a hug after a day like this. Someone to bounce ideas off of. I feel like I’ve always been told that siblings get closer in their 20s, but we’ve definitely gotten more distant. Meaner. More spiteful. And I don’t want to be like that forever.

I’m just tired. I feel sick constantly. My seizures are more frequent, probably due to being stressed out. I don’t even know that they’re seizures for sure, because no one can give me an answer, but that’s what they look like, and I don’t know what else to call them. In April, I will have had them for a year and still don’t have an answer. Granted, I’ve also been so chronically nauseous and in assorted types of pain for my entire life, and I haven’t gotten any closer to an answer on that front, either. God, sometimes you don’t even realize how exhausted you are until you write it all down. This somehow manages to feel all-encompassing and like petty bullshit at the same time.