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[izzpeng]

Ramadhan away from home

06/05/2019

I would like to say Happy fasting and have a blessed Ramadhan everyone! I personally love Ramadhan, when I feel closest not only to God, but also to my family and loved ones. I don't know I guess it's also the fact that when I wake up for sahur I know that everyone else is also awake, or when its iftar, everyone else is also breaking their fast. It's the whole collective feeling of performing ibadah together... as a whole, as an ummah, I feel like I belong to something much larger than just everyday life. A sense of purpose of  living for the rest of the year just to reach the holiest month and then do it all over again. Nothing can beat Ramadhan in Brunei, from being woken up for Sahur to the long hours of the day and then finally Sungkai, the first sip of water, the first bite of that kurma. My first sungkai would always be at my neneks place, there would be too much food but too little stomach space, then I would have to lie down. Those tarawikh nights at the masjid, then going out to Coffee Bean in your jubah. Those days walking through Pasar Malam resisting the urge to buy everything being sold. Deciding what to have for sungkai, your cravings that day oh my god. And all those sungkai plans that never happen, but there was potential. Grocery shopping for snacks to eat during that time after tarawikh but before sahur. Sometimes not even sleeping until Sahur and then pretending that you were alseep so your parents wouldn't scold you. On the dinner table during Sahur being able to identify who didn't get any sleep at all (Most likely always Aiman). I have so many Ramadhan routines that it makes me smile sadly everytime one pops in my head.

I've never spent Ramadhan away from home much less in a whole different country. I guess I'm a little homesick because I don't get to spend it with my family. I was just thinking, we had tarawikh just now and we were on sujud and I just smelt the tikar sembahyang and I was instantly thrown back to Brunei. To my mum and dad and my cousins and my nenek, it made me sad a little. It's different here even though I truly appreciate BruManch and all the people here giving me love and support, but I don't know. I guess its the simple fact that I won't have things done for me that make fasting easier, not having your parents wake you up for Sahur, not having the food laid out already on the table 10 minutes before sungkai, not having your dad to tell you to drink more and more and more water during Sahur because he knows you'll get thirsty during the day. I guess I sound really spoiled and privileged, but it runs deeper than just having things done for you. It's the whole Ramadhan vibes that can only be achieved by fasting in Brunei.

Nonetheless my Ramadhan is not going to be less holy just because I'm not spending it in Brunei and with my family. I want to do my best this Ramadhan, to minimise swearing, gossiping, wasting my time and to increase my iman, amal ibadat and sadaqah. Finally, if anyone does end up reading my blogposts, I want to say sorry from the bottom of my heart if I have ever wronged you in any way. And Allah SWT knows that I have forgiven you. Have a blessed Ramadhan and may Allah SWT accept our fasts and efforts.

[izzpeng]

Second Best?

05/05/2019

Before I say anything, I want to clarify that I am so grateful for the love and support I have received over the past few months I’ve been in the UK. New faces that I’ve gotten friendly with, old faces that I’ve gotten to know deeper. But All my life I wanted to be the favorite, the favorite child, the favorite student, the favorite friend. To be the 1st choice for someone...anyone. I know it’s not a competition, but my mind is toxic like that because I don’t want to settle for something less. Maybe it’s because I’ve experienced the best that’s why I can’t accept anything less than that. Maybe I’m just so insecure of who I really am and care too fucking much of what people think. I did some stupid shit back in Brunei and it gave off the impression that I didn’t care of what people think of me and just did what I wanted to do. But that is so wrong, so very wrong. I always wonder will they like me? Do they think I’m arrogant? You spend a lot of time with someone and you start getting compared, you start realizing everything that they are better at than you, the qualities that they have and you don’t. You start to feel less and less confident, questioning yourself what is it about me? What am I lacking? How can I be like them? Is it because I’m an Aries. All those doubts just crawl into your mind just chewing away at your insecurities, at the characteristics that make you, you...u til you start to feel less like you. I wish I didn’t have to think of what people thought of me, but I can’t because sad fucking truth is I want to be liked by everyone. Second best? Fuck that shit. I know it’s so bad and so toxic, it restricts personal growth but I don't know how to stop this state of mind 

[izzpeng]

Break my heart pls

28/04/2019

Sometimes, I want to fall in love just to get my heart truly broken. Sounds fucking crazy and psychotic but I want to experience true heartbreak. Sure I've had platonic heartbreaks, non-romantic ones that pick away at my insecurities. But to truly cry for someone you loved, to feel lost without them, to feel this sudden sadness envelop you whenever you realize that they're not in your life anymore. Maybe I should be grateful that God is protecting me from heartbreak, but some part of me feels that I cannot grow as a person without this experience... this heartbreak. Again, it sounds crazy but I don't know why it's so appealing to me. I just want the feel the extreme of being in love and then the other end of the spectrum of being deeply heartbroken.

Maybe I subconsciously do not let myself get truly attached or in love because deep down maybe I'm scared of heartbreak? I guard my heart so closely, that once someone does get so close to it, I push away and start to close off again in fear that my heart would open fully. I don't let myself fall because maybe I'm scared of hitting the ground and they're not there to catch me. Vulnerability to me is a weakness, because it increases the chances of getting hurt and I hate showing weakness, I hate the feeling of not being in control of my feelings. So I put them in check, I tell them to shut the fuck up or they will get hurt.

Maybe that's why I can never get my heart broken? Because I've never truly let anyone break it.

[izzpeng]

3 Months Later...

05/12/2018

Hi blog,

Well, what can I say, this was not what I fucking expected.

University life has taken me by storm, entrapped me under piles of assignments and presentations and making waffles at 11pm on a Monday night and coming back home at 2 am on a Tuesday night. I don't even know who I am anymore. Alot has happened since I first started my UK journey and I'm not here to give any lame ass advice nor am I in the right place to. I am merely reflecting and being grateful for what life has thrown at me. Here are a few things I'd like to mention, sort of like a contents page but not really:

1. Sense of Freedom

2. Taking care of myself

3. adalerrr

The amount of freedom I gained under a span of 3 months is overwhelming, being able to decide what I want to eat, where I want to go and when I want to go is a something new I never got to experience back in Brunei especially because I'm a girl with asian parents. Plus our public transport sucks and I just got my drivers license like a week before I flew off to the UK isslit. Anyway, like life is crazy, I'm not restrained under curfews or the watchful eyes of my parents, it's both scary and exhilarating at the same time. I am allowed to go to Poundland on a Thursday night to buy some snacks for a mini movie night, I am allowed to go over to a guy's house at 11pm to make waffles and stay until 2 am because no one is going to tell me no, I am allowed to watch a concert and eat fast food on a Sunday night despite having a 9am class the next day. I feel unstoppable, I feel independent... I feel free. Now, that can be dangerous, if you're used to having all these limitations and suddenly you're cut free, thrown into the wild with all the space in the world to spread your wings, to do any fucking thing you want. Don't over do it, know your limitations. What the fuck? I just told myself I'm not here to give some life advice, but oh well, it slipped out.

But the things about having no one to tell you no is that you also have no one to tell you yes, which means making decisions by yourself and taking responsibility of your own well-being. Eat well, sleep well, study smart, I know all these things but it kind of helped that back in Brunei there was someone to tell me to do so...you know what I mean? I can't even dress for the weather properly, either layering too much or not enough. Preparing breakfast is the worst chore, washing dishes, having to worry about paying rent and doing laundry, taking out the trash and let's not forget the masterful art of budgeting EW. Can I even take care of myself? Am I doing it properly? Eating enough or barely eating? Clean clothes, clean bedsheets? From doing laundry everyday to once a week. I guess it's a step into adulthood, a little teaser or taster if you please.

for my own privacy I am keeping no. 3 unpublished

Anyway, I better like focus on my assignments and studies or whatever, that is what I came here to do anyway right? hehe.

[izzpeng]

End Credit Scene

05/08/2018

It’s the end of an era, my faith in keeping touch with my friends ended long before I even graduated from high school. It had always been a ritual for me, once a segment of my life has closed, all the people and places disappear along with it. Obviously this doesn’t happen overnight, it consists of long summers of everyone always seemingly having something planned but never with each other. It’s rare for everyone to come together in one place and in one time, I guess that’s the thing about school; it sets all the details and everyone just merely shows up.

Some friends play main characters in your high school movie, others are just extras with a few lines, one or two scenes. And you think maybe these friends, the main characters are the friends worth keeping around for the sequel movie. You think maybe I’ll try this time for real, battle through timezones, endure a sleepless night for one Skype call. Is it worth it? Is it worth it to bother maintaining a tether on a friendship that has already passed its peak ages ago? And when it fails, when the tether finally snaps, you comfort yourself by pinning the blame on inevitability as though you are not able to do anything but to just let it happen. You reassure yourself that you tried your hardest, but this outcome was inescapable.

The fact is, drifting apart, losing touch with each other is a choice. It’s a choice. We are the ones who decide where our priorities lie. But often enough, some people (myself included), are too scared to admit that it was their choice. It’s easier for them, for us, to accept the lost friendship when we are not the ones held accountable. We never paint ourselves as the villain in our own stories.

[izzpeng]

Hospital Adventures

03/07/2018

Results for the MoE scholarship/loan are not out yet, but my ever organised mother suggested I do the medical checkup ahead of time in case it gets rather busy in August. It's not like I can say no because I'm literally stuck at home doing nothing, so I guess it's good to get out of the house even if to pee in a few containers and have needles stuck into your arm. But here are my hospital adventures, tips and advices for your medical check up virgins.

Things to know:

- RIPAS does not do the medical fitness test anymore, instead you would have to go to private clinics or JPMC

- If you are applying to the UK, to obtain the UK Visa you will need a Tuberculosis (TB) Test. The Uk Government only accept TB results from JPMC or BSB Health Centre.

If you are choosing to go to JPMC, don't waste your time by calling or booking online. I went ahead to JPMC in person to book an appointment, if you haven't gone to JPMC ever, register first in the reception counter next to Mr. Bakers, which will cost $10. Anyway, ask for UK visa medical test as well as MoE medical check up, they will appoint you a time and date.

You will have to bring:

- Passport sized photo with white background

- Original Passport

- MoE medical fitness form

- $301 for the overall payment (its fucking expensive but everyone there was so nice to me I want to cry and hug everyone)

- Patience (They have wifi so thats a huge plus during waiting time)

So they told me for my urine test I had to pee into two containers so I was like ok cool, I drank water to get them bladder feels. Peed into one container and I didn't have anymore left for the second so I was like shit. So I went downstairs and bought a drink from Mr. Bakers and tried again, not a smooth stream but I managed to fill half of the container. Then I they took my blood pressure and blood sample, then I met with the doctor. After that I got news.

The pee I was struggling to get out, well one of the container's lid was loose and it spilt into the sealed bag. I know my life sucks, so the nurse pointed to a water dispenser (I didn't know they had this! I would've just saved my money and drank water) to help me pee. They called me to the counter to pay right and I was like "Ok can I pay by card" smooth ayy. Then they tried my card, it fucking declined on me. I didn't bring any hard cash so I was like fuck what do I do. Then I called my brother who was just finishing up from the gym and he had brought his card so we tried his and it worked??? But it literally was the same debit card as mine.

Then I went downstairs to get my xray done, and these 2 girls whom I noticed was doing the same things as me asked me if I'm doing a medical test for UK visa. Then we talked about MoE scholarship/loans, our subject, courses, school. They were super nice, but none of them were going to Manchester University. Anyway I made friends but I forgot their names, at first I thought she was like 25 or smth like she looked older than me. By this time, I really badly needed to pee, so I rushed upstairs to the toilet and took the sample bottle and could easily fill up the whole container. And that's it ladies and gents, I was done for the day and only have to come back on Friday for my follow up and consultation session with the doctor. Update you guys later!

[izzpeng]

Can you fall in love with a city?

29/06/2018

Have you ever felt this depressed after a holiday? Is there such a thing being holiday hungover? Because I think that's the best way to explain my situation. I am utterly, absolutely in love with Seoul. I first realised this when the thought of leaving behind this place and the people in it made my heartbreak more than it should. And I'm scare that the memories will soon fade so in attempt to save them I decide to write this blogpost, so I can look back and read during my more nostalgic days. Here are the many reasons why I fell in love with Seoul.

I am in love with Seoul because of the people, the food, the culture and the buzz of the city. It is everything that I would hope it would be, after watching many countless Korean Dramas I pretended to have a true grasp of how South Korea really is. But now that  have visited it, modern day, I realised it's even better. The people there are innocent, respectful and humble. Shoutout to our tour guide and driver.

Our tour guide, Candace is extremely helpful, she's very knowledgeable and we've gotten comfortable with her. We would make jokes with her, converse in political matters, she bought us Korean snacks to eat and tried her best to find us halal restaurants. A few times she's questioned us about Brunei and our religion and I like her curiosity and respect. She asked my mum how the laws in Brunei are about clothing, whether it was strict or not, my mum replied saying that its quite free. And the next day she came wearing shorts, which is understandable in this type of weather. But she was just the best man, and we would always imitate her phrases "Let's go everybody" or "Sure, sure." One time my mum was talking to us in Malay and Candace was the one to reply with a "Sure, sure" like HAHAHHAH. Moving on to Mr. Chang, our driver, though he could not speak that much English, he only knows "Good Morning" he would always and I repeat ALWAYS open the door for us and shooed us away if we tried to do it ourselves. He also eats at a separate table from us because he just feels more comfortable that way due to his language restrictions. But I admire him, he was there since Day 1 and was the only recognizable face we saw on our last day.

I love Korean food, Koreans are so healthy and slim and have perfect skin like what black magic is this? We ate at this Halal restaurant in Itaewon, at which I recommended, and it was heavenly. My dad, who would usually be the last to finish eating, this time was the first to wipe his bowl clean. Literally everything, up to the side dishes. And I would get flashbacks from all the Korean Dramas I've watched and when they ate meat and soju and it just felt so unreal to experience it for myself. This has always been my dream.

Did I mention the makeup is so cheap there.

On the last few days of being in Seoul, I got very sad at the thought of leaving to the point of where I considered missing my flight and going to University in Seoul. But some other part of me realized that I was running away from reality, I didn't want this holiday to end because it meant I had to go home and finish my homework and do my exams. But thats life right? But what if I don't want to live this life? I want to explore and not be bounded to one place, to feel the buzz of the city in my veins, not the sambal of nasi katok in my mouth. I want to do something different and exciting everyday and that is just not possible in a small country like Brunei. Brunei has its ups but at this moment of time in my youth, I'd like Seoul more. I started to dissect my feelings a little bit more and I thought what if I'm not actually in love with Seoul, and that I just didn't want to go back home. Seoul had the ability to erase all my worries and anxieties of the real world, and I just want a place like that to myself. To feel at ease and spend money on makeup.

[izzpeng]

Stuck in Coffee Bean RIPAS for 3 hours

29/06/2018

One Summers day, I’m sitting on a high stool in front of the Coffee Bean at RIPAS hospital. I woke up early today just to get my medical fitness examination for the UK/overseas visa, I go up to the counter and they tell me they don’t do those check ups anymore and I would have to go to a private clinic. So whilst my brother goes to his skin specialist appointment I am stuck at Coffee Bean for a solid 3 hours with shitty wifi and a Matcha Ice Blended that has lost it’s battle with the Starbucks version. There is really no purpose to this blog post except to waste time and have something to do that doesn’t require using the painfully slow internet.

But I can’t help to think back to the last time I was here. At this exact same spot, roughly a month before my IB exams, we’ve been visiting my Grandma in the hospital almost everyday that week. One visit on a school night I was sent to Coffee Bean to finish my homework and study a bit. Thinking back, there was guilt, because I was sat here struggling over how mid oceanic ridges form when my Grandma was struggling to even breathe. But I guess, both of our struggles are over, and we are both resting. Me, finished with my IB exams and waiting for results to come out in a week and her, resting peacefully under a bed of flowers.

When you’re stuck in a cafe at the hospital, there’s really not much to do so I’m left alone with my thoughts. There’s roughly 2 more months of Summer holiday and I’m in that middle stage of Summer commonly known as: bored as hell. I’ve gone on holiday to Japan, Ramadan’s over, Raya is closing to an end, birthday’s are celebrated, open houses gone to. The only thing that slightly excites me is taking driving lessons and the prospect of being able to drive and have no more “transport problems.” But what I really want is that ideal summer, where my friends and I just hang by the beach, have sleepovers, jungle treks, go swimming and all that Summery stuff. But my friends don’t reply my texts and I have only like 3 friends haha. I just need someone who wants to do all this exciting stuff with me and is allowed to do so and doesn't have transport problems. Is that so hard to do? Should I just make a list of things to do during Summer? I mean I’ve caught up on sleep, watched all the Netflix series, played computer games, board games. You know all the basic stuff your instincts tell you to do right after you finish you exams and high school. But I’ve run out of things to do.

Summer Bucket List

Beach Trek

Temburong Jungle Trek

Sleepover

Swimming

Water Balloon Fight

Netball Game

Roadtrip to KB/Miri

Edit vlogs (No fucking storage on my laptop)

Go water-paddling at Lugu Lake

Practice drawing on my WACOM tablet

Architecture attachment

Anyway, that’s all I have but realistically not everything is going to be achieved because this is Brunei and I’m not white haha.

[izzpeng]

What does your heart break for?

09/08/2017

What breaks your heart? Is it a newborn kitten destined for death? Is it when the sun sets and the day ends? Or is it when you look up into the sky searching for the stars that were never there to begin with? Or is it the thought of being useless, worthless and irrelevant? Does saying goodbye to the places you love and the people you love break your heart? Or is it when DST messages you saying you've reached 100% of your data usage? Does it break your heart that your grandpa eats lunch alone everyday? Or when you don't get that call or text from that someone? Or maybe when you find out how much University education costs?

When they tell you that "you have potential but..." and they don't finish their sentence because you know the ending and it's always "you're not good enough" does that make your heart break? Or does your heart ache for more time or... the right time? Do you hear your heart shatter a little when you pass a stranger that you use to share all your secrets with? And does it shatter little more when you realize you've lost so many people along the way? What does your heart truly break for? Is it when you sip your coffee and look into the eyes of someone talking about something they love? Or is it when you queue up at the canteen and reach the front but they tell you "sorry quesadillas finished"

There are just so many things that cut your heartstrings but surely there is just too little of your heart left for another crack.

But I've come to realize that you have to keep breaking your heart to open it, it is when we break a little we come alive, it is in our vulnerable moments when we become a better and truer version of ourselves. And when our hearts have endured it all and every inch and every corner is split open there is light and hopefully more chicken quesadillas. We should bless the things that break us because heartbreak is not a shattering, it's an opening.

- i.a.

[izzpeng]

Borneo Project 2017

08/07/2017

In Kg. Bongkud everyone there is so welcoming, there are the kindest people I've ever met, so happy and cheerful with what they have, even though in my eyes, what they have is not enough. This service trip is not just something that can look good on a CV, it is something to also feel good about. But not for me or for you but for them. Those who have less and despite of this, never stop giving because that's all they know how to do. Greeted with smiles every morning, its difficult to realise how poor their standard of living is.

The Borneo Project trip letter said gloves were needed for us to cement and do manual labour. I didn't really know what cementing meant until I learnt the ratio of 3:2:1 of sand:gravel:cement and 10 buckets of water. Who knew I was capable of carrying a wheelbarrow of gravel and sand and then shovelling countlessly? But also who knew I was capable of feeling such pain and soreness in my back, arms, legs and entire body. It's difficult, it's not easy and at times I wanted to stop but I was motivated by my intention. The intention to make a difference. I was sat in the communal hall of Camp Bongkud, staring at the memoir boards of past groups and schools who attended this service trip. It's incredible, that everyone from all over the world come together to lend a hand ranging from as short as 1 week to as long as 3 months. From as young as Year 7 to adults. Originating from as far as Scotland to as near as Brunei. It's an international project that everyone should be proud of. That kindergarten is not government funded, it is funded by the love for humanity and love for mankind.

I don't think I could forget how I felt on the very last night of our stay at Camp Bongkud, I had tears straining down my face and sniffed every 10 seconds. Ugly crying my way through the whole night, I wrote this on my bed, in the long house with a head torch on, way past lights out time, a mosquito net is hung over my mattress of checkered yellow sheets. We had a farewell ceremony that night and I am an emotional person and will cry at anything. So you can imagine the intensity of my tears on that night.

The Chief of the village, Chief Bindang gave a speech and I told myself not to cry as I had to later present the art board we made for the Camp. But I broke, my heart is so fragile and full of water and it can burst at any time. And it did as soon as the Chief started apologising. I know what you're thinking for what? SAME. I don't even know why he started apologising, he shouldn't have to... shouldn't feel the need to! He said sorry because we had to work hours cementing under the hot sun and that the only accommodation he gave us was the longhouse, and that if he could he would provide  5 star hotel. And I was speechless that like I said all they know how to do is give. It's as if they feel guilty because we are working and volunteering for them but we want to be here, we want to help, we want to make a difference. Knowing that all our hard work, manual labour, raising money and all that blood, sweat and tears did just that- I feel hopeful that this community, this loving community will get what they truly deserve.

On a more personal level, in many ways I am grateful for my life, for what I have available to me, this trip taught me (credit Husain's speech) that not everyone is the same we all live different lives in different conditions, and those may not always be the best conditions. I've come to realise that with good food and good people, life is easily made into a life worth living. During this trip, I've also built many new relationships as well as got to know a few people even better than before. Yes a part of me wished Ajmal and Syasya and Wendy joined this trip but another part of me was glad they didn't. Without my 'Malay gang' or my 'IB gang' I had the chance to spend time with people that I don't usually spend time with. Because most of my IB friends chose the DoE India trip I was an IB student in a sea of A-levels and I thought it would be hard to connect but surprisingly so, it was quite easy. I found out things about people that I didn't know about, inside jokes and secrets were exchanged and this trip will forever claim a part of my heart that nothing else can ever replace. I am so happy and I love how close everyone got, we experienced Borneo Project and only we can relate, making our friendship exclusive. On this trip there were no groups it was just everyone chatting to everyone and having fun together. No regrets, none at all.

To anyone thinking of doing Borneo Project, don't think just do, because trust me it's worth it.

[izzpeng]

My first year of IB

06/07/2016

Here I sit, a year later on my laptop, on the night before the last day of school. I've successfully completed one year of the IB programme and it has gone by way too fast. I'd just like to take this time to reflect on what I've done this past year.

Looking back at my post from exactly last year, I sound afraid and anxious of change. So very terrified of the whole concept of it. But now I realise it can only ever go up. I'm going to admit it, the first few weeks of IB for me was socially torturous, I swear I was depressed at some point. I was so hung up on the past I forgot about the present, I got sad seeing my old teachers, seeing my old classes and I kid you not one lunchtime I cried because of this change and I wondered if I made the worst decision of my life. If choosing IB over A levels was really the right path for me.

Now I know that I was in over my head and overthinking didn't help anything. Slowly I gathered myself and as my surroundings changed so did I, because my mentality has altered my attitude towards school life is happier and more content. IB and my time in Year 12, being 2nd oldest in the school, gave me many opportunities and I learnt that opportunities- yes are risky and scary but they are meant to be taken. As I grow older and my time in school is quickly decreasing I realised that it's never too late to blossom to peak and make the most out of the remaining time I have left.

I used to be so scared of this specific group, they intimidate me so much but I've come to know that really I am and can be as intimidating as them. So now I feel invincible and that the small step out of my comfort zone and into IB led to more and more chances. The past year I've done things and participated in events that I never knew I had to courage to do, I held a lunchtime lecture, I performed in House Concert, I represented Fireback in the Spelling Bee, (tried to do Speak Out Poetry) I went on the Borneo Project trip, Bantu, I designed the ODC shirt and embraced leadership as Deputy Captain of Fireback.

And at this moment of time, I only feel love. Love for the school community and the people and teachers and everyone and everything. I've built unforgettable relationships with my peers and teachers. I am so grateful and so lucky to be in this position right now, Alhamdullilah. In the past I was lacking confidence but a few weeks ago someone came up to me and said that I give her confidence, so I was taken aback slightly because it feels so refreshing that one's success can inspire and have a knock-on effect on others. It's truly amazing.

In a years time, I'll be leaving this wonderful environment and finally enter the real world. I can't imagine my life without the people I have now, once we separate that may be the end of it all. I don't want to think like that right now because its heartbreaking, sometimes when I look at some of my friends I imagine them and me on the last day of school ever and you can hear my heart shatter a little. It'll be hard to leave JIS and the people I've come to know but like I said in my last post there is only ever one way to go- forwards.

I think what I'm getting at is that, I'm excited for what else life wants to throw at me. 5 mental breakdowns later I still get up and live because thats the only thing I know how to do and I'll conquer it.

[izzpeng]

Unsent Emails

25/08/2016

To: julian.smith@jus.edu.bn

Subject: Surprise bitch, I'm back!

Dear Smithy,

First of all I would like to say, fuck you for telling me I wouldn't get an A* in maths just because I messed around in class too much. Second of all, I would like to thank you for being a fraction of motivation in my math studies. I have to admit, I liked you enough to study 10% harder than I usually do and for that you deserve a blog post dedicated to you, just kidding you worthless piece of shit who wont even dedicate your thoughts to me. But it's too late now, so you're very fortunate for even being mentioned in my oh so popular blog.

Thanks for being a great teacher/supporter/motivator/useless advisor/racist bastard/...friend. See you in the afterlife you dick.

With cold fury,

Izzati Azhan

To: roland.lopez@jis.edu.bn

Subject: God Bless the Lopez

Dear Lopezo Mighty,

You don't deserve a 'fuck you' because you knew my potential and only encouraged me day after day, with your sadistic humour and the quiet blazing fire dancing in your eyes which was the only sign that you're actually human. I'd express my gratitude in a 10,000 word essay but I'm sure you'll just read the introduction and conclusion and base my grade off those two paragraphs. But without your life coaching I would not have gotten A*A* for both my Eng Lit and Lang. Dare I say it, thank you for setting us a Date Wiv Des Tinny, those practice papers were torture each week but well worth it in the end. You are my spirit animal in all dimensions, maybe except in Hell where you'd be Satan but...

Stay Healthy Senôr!

With all my love (though you believe it is just another concept of convenience),

Izzati Azhan

To: beenal.roberts@jus.edu.bn

Subject: bust out the roti, girl its about to get some of this izzatikkamasala

Dear Beenal the Brindian,

I know I know, this time its a fuck me for getting an A and not an A* but Miss I was 3 marks of an A* if that makes you feel any better, it does with me! I actually don't feel that thankful towards you since I do feel I did hm... mostly all the work, I took the exam after all. But an email of gratitude to show manners and my kissing ass abilities can't hurt can it? So terima kasih for all the lessons you spent dramatically telling us your stories, sometimes even twice of the same one, thanks for letting me doodle in class just because you talk a lot of the time and therefore I am allowed to half listen. I wouldn't be the indian food loving person I am today without you, oh and almost forgot... of course thanks for helping me achieve that almost A*! Fuck the examiner for me next time will ya.

With all my beloved assets,

Izzati Azhan

To: andy.mcculloch@jus.edu.bn

Subject: smile at me wit ur eyes, nat yo mouth only

Dear Turquoise Eyes,

I'd like to get to know the 16 yr old you but my chance has passed. Inappropriate flirting aside, guess what sir! I got exactly what I got in the most recent geo mocks 149/180 and I thought the mocks weren't an accurate indication. I'd like to thank you for having beautiful eyes and smiling at me even though on the inside you be like "lol fucktard thats the most incorrect answer ever, like not even close." I enjoyed your classes and you're sometimes funny but not on purpose, more like weird funny yknow? I think you'd like to get credit for my success but honestly i learnt how to answer case studies properly through Ajmal through Mr Cook, so who is really my teacher here? Me. Because I taught myself to sought answers and techniques elsewhere but sure I guess you can have some credit, those eyes deserve at least a generous 5%. lol ok bye tq

With a 9 on the Ritcher Scale,

Izzati Azhan,

You guessed it, the wait is over! #gcseresults2016 was trending on twitter and the sounds of 16yr olds packing their bags, getting ready to get disowned by their parents was the most honest and lit af song this year (after Frank Ocean's Blond of course). I admit its always nerve-wracking receiving results, where a single exam determines your ability to understand (or memorise) a two year course. But I had faith that with my prayers and hard work Allah gave me the results I truly deserved, so presumably my anxiety was on the down low while my trust in God was at sky high.

Alhamdulillah I got 3A's 6A*, I was so confident I would smash an A* with Business and Art but alas the grade boundaries proved me otherwise. With three fucking marks off an A* in Business I was so irritated at which examiner marked my paper, not irritated to risk a request for a remarking though. And Art, I hoped for an A*  but instead faced it's less prestigious sibling, an A. I asked around of course, not trying to compare or anything but I just needed to know what the students who I thought was for sure going to get A* actually got, to my delightful (?) surprise they too got an A which led me to believe that scoring an A* in Art is no easy business. Business isn't easy either lmao.

To this, I must admit defeat to my mother. She's been on my back for my choice of Art as an A-level subject saying its hard to score high in Art, but my cocky ass just waved it away and dismissed it altogether. Doubt has risen up in my throat, threatening my artistic capabilities to spill out across the walls of abandoned buildings as grafitti instead of street art. So thats something to think about before Saturday Morning.

UPDATE:

I attended Enrollment day alone, my heart beating, my eyes watering and my mind wandering. I chose to do IB diploma, for many reasons. I am just so drawn to how different it is, I think of all the future local Bruneians who did A-levels asking for the sam scholarship then I imagine the MoE going through the applications like "Great a-levels, a-levels, a-levels Oooo IB whats this?" and I just feel like I would have a standing chance you know? It would also help me to mix around with more international students and prepare for the university life so when I do go to university Insyallah I wont feel vulnerable and small.

But I just feel like my mother is against me taking IB, like she's trying to be supportive by giving a tight smile and grim nods but inside I know she's not convinced and this all happened on the way to the Arts Centre which made me even feel more queasy. My Father on the other hand, gave me a genuine "Go for it" which helped me so much on every level, I just need the motivation, just that little push to help me get going, feed me a trickle more of confidence.

So I had a choice to approach either Duckling or Dickinson on my IB subjects, and okay Dickinson was full okay there was a long queue and I ended up going to Duckling because I really had no choice! hehehhehhehehhe. Anyway I waved the papers in my hand high above to indicate that I was next and he laughed and told me to come and sit, so naturally I did. He took a look at my grades and praised me and then circled my subjects that I intend on studying, giving me advice that I should only need Math Studies seeing as how I'm not thinking of a mathematical kind of career. He then said " blablablabla Youre subjects are a smart choice, I think you're good to go, Welcome to the IB program"

And that was the clarity I was searching for, that little- push.

NOT JUST BCS HE'S HIM BUT BCS I NEEDED TO HEAR IT.

Just before that, Brindian approached me asking me  about my business results and encouraging me to take that remark because I was three marks off an A* saying that theres no reason I dont deserve the A*. I was uncertain because sure it makes me feel so fucking good about myself and so very satisfied, but who really needs an A* in GCSE Business to get accepted into a University? So I made a face. The face. and She went "What do you have to lose?" And of course one thing instantly came to mind "Um money?" then she gave me a look. The look. So I said I'll think about it and apparently only 1 or 2 students got A*. The thing is I actually would get it remarked if my Art grade also got bumped up to an A* but I have no idea what Ms Stroud is trying to do by contacting the exam board?

So thats that, she asked me about my ever so popular brother. So I told him oh he did well, she asked about which university and I replied Leicester and I told her that Im actually going off and missing 3 weeks of school. Then she went "oh you know Leicester's my hometown, in what area is he living because Im there in December" and i was like wtf creepy. And she continued saying "Oh Imagine if we just bumped into each other on the streets" and I was going to say something awkward because like what the fuck right? But Mr Duckling was open and ultimately saved me and she gestured me to go ahead.

After that, Mr mcluck approached me well not really, well kind of but it was super fucking awkward because I was waiting for my turn with Mrs Krüger and he was on the table nearby and made eye contact and he smiled and I returned it and i was like fuck am i suppose to go over lmao so i slowly sat down while he came over to me. YAKNOW gotta play hard to get. SO again he asked me are you happy with you results blablablabla were you nervous getting your results so I told him that I wasnt as nervous because other people were like "oh my life is over" and he laughed and blablablabla just mostly nodding and smiling. Then he asked me about my brother's results hi ok 2nd teacher to ask about my brother cool. I gave him a vague oh he did well and told him Leicester University on 18th September and I added that I was actually going to send him off and missing 3 weeks of school. Blablbalbalbalabl then he finally asked about IB saying that oh great choice.

And Wendy told me that at the YC Mcluck was talking about me to wendy asking me what I got and he saying that i Was exceptional kekekekkekekekk fuck man his eyes are so blue, dont think about it dont think about. Did i tell you I had a dream of him as Ben Affleck like wtf, first of all why would I even dream about him, maybe it was because I crossed his mind like just the night before omg. but whatever. Idk that made me feel so good about myself. Then Brindian thought that Fatin was Hana and approached Fatin and Wendy haahhahahahah and somehow started talking about me?? Like boi they both love me so much, I wonder if Lopez or Julibear bear talks about me like that. Sigh imagine

Smithy: Shes a fucking pain in the ass

Lupez: Intelligent fucking pain alright

Smithy and Lupez: But she's our pain in the ass.

OMGGGGGGGGG I loved all my GCSE teachers and classes! like those were the best days of my JIS experience so far. Art was super chill, she let us sing out loud together saying that we were the only class who did that and that she'll miss us :(((((((( Smithy couldnt care less, he just moved on click like that. Anyway, hope everyone got what they expected with their results or better and just remember kids, grades DO define who are and where you'll be in life. lol goodluck fam.

Izzati

[izzpeng]

Inevitable Changes

09/08/2016

I shouldn't be this scared of something that happens all the time... but I am. I am utterly, positively, a hundred percent terrified of change, in any form, any kind- you name it.

It just so happens that I reach out to this useless blog to pour out my feelings about a topic I discuss  with my friends endlessly that even they have grown tired of it. And thats the scary part, soon they'll grow tired of me, leave me and forget we ever meant anything to each other. This new academic year in JIS is going to be a whole shift in my system, my favourite teachers are gone, my classes are different, my friends are moving on or in some cases moving back.

I was never scared of change as I am now, and I think mainly it's because I loved that point in my life, I wanted everything to stay the same, it was all good, but it's simply impossible to turn back when there is only ever one path to follow- forwards. I have to focus on the future and let go of the good times, accept that they are now memories of the past, memories too fond to get hung up on. It's just so hard...

And I know what you're thinking "what a pussy"

It's true, I was never a brave soul, rarely took any chances, rarely stepped out of my comfort zone. But years 10, 11 was progress in my social abilities, I actually enjoyed 'banter' with my teachers, I actually insult them in a way that doesn't cut too deep into their hearts, I actually was loud and contributed in class for once. For once. For once in my life my report card was not "Izzati is a quiet but hardworking girl..." For once I felt like I actually found myself. And the process wasn't self-done it was thanks to the people around me, the immense support system, the overwhelming encouragement, the endless kindness but what if I lose all of that this year? Lose all this... this... new found confidence that I always knew was in there somewhere?

New people mean new relationships, but new people could also mean old relationships are tossed out and forgotten. I hate that word. Forgotten. I hate the feel of it on my tongue, the sight of it on this webpage, the sound of it echoing through my eardrums and most of all, I hate the meaning of it. What if my friends got them new friends and be like "new phone who dis?" and all I'll end up doing is chasing after them, begging them to wait for me. Especially if I intend on taking IB and not to mention my three week break, two weeks into school. Fuck.

Im so scared, have I mentioned that?

Have you ever wondered that if you had to pair up with someone, anyone at school, you would end up being alone? It's been way too long for me to remember when was the last time I felt secure in a friendship or relationship, I just want to know that they'll choose me every time, I'm weird about that stuff, and I'll only ever show loyalty back if they show it first, because to me it comes off as vulnerable; if I always chose them but they always chose someone else.

I want certainty and that in itself is a lot to ask for, because when I signed up for life, I signed up for the unexpected, and Im using this summer to just soak it all in and try and try and try to handle it, to face it, and to conquer ir as best as I can.

-Izzati yo fav

[izzpeng]

What Next?

22/01/16

I am halfway through my 3 month Summer holiday, have I spent my time wisely and productively so far? Hm, one could say finishing 5 Korean dramas, the internet quota and the food in the fridge is an accomplishment in a sense. During school days I would crave for this amount of free time, but now actually experiencing three months with absolutely nothing to do, I just want school back. Then I realised why Summer is so long for students who just finished their GCSE's or A levels: We are given the torturous luxury of having the time to think.

What next?

That is the main general question for most of us. I've accomplished my GCSE's (Hopefully successful! Results come out on Aug 25th), but the worst is yet to come. More decisions to be made, more sacrifices, new things to try, old things to let go off and I'm just 16, trying my luck in this world. Obviously, what comes next for me, in my case, is the decision of whether I want to attend the IB program or do A-levels, my thought process goes far too deep into everything, because next, are the subjects I would do, also taking in account which University course I could take that's also available for scholarship, then I contemplate what kind of job or sector I would land in, then I start visualising how many figures in my salary half way through my career.

That's why this decision is such a tough one, it's not one simple answer, it's very interlinked and the idea of my life career depending on what I choose as subjects for sixth form is quite terrifying to me. And I completely despise the expectation for us to be able to know what we want to do with our lives,  it's pathetic really, to base a life choice from our mere experience of living for one decade and half. And I know dreams and goals are important because how else are we suppose to move forward? But whenever someone asks me "What do you want to be in the future?" the answer I always give is: "Successful and happy" but it just so happens that I don't know what 'successful' and 'happy' mean to me as an individual or how in God's name, I would achieve it.

This topic of the future, change and life has been brought up into my daily life more frequently as I have more time on my hands, as mentioned above. And for a long time I convinced myself that it was perfectly fine for me to be clueless, that I can be lost but not lose myself, that it's okay for me to still be wandering, still exploring. But, a phone call, thats all it took for me to start drawing up a legit career plan with goals and targets. You see, my mother sent in an application for the scholarship at JIS for Sixth Form, and Alhamdullilah I got called for a briefing of the first stage of interviews. After hearing about the basics of the interview from my parents, my scholar cousin and others, I know I am in deep shit right now and am procrastinating by writing up this blog post.

Here's the problem- well, problems

a. They require for you to speak in malay, and guess who completely put aside her mediocre malay skills straight after the exam? ME.

b. There are going to be questions regarding Brunei and MIB. But guess who never learnt MIB in her life and also don't know enough Brunei traditions to save her life? ME, this ignorant, westernised Bruneian right here.

c. I know, I just know they're going to ask me the infamous "What do you want to do with your life?" and honestly I don't think I'm ready to answer that question just yet.

Am I going to learn my Brunei an truly Kenali Negar Kitani? Nope, but does it mean that I am going to bluff my way through, put on an act and showcase the perfect and patriotic student the interviewers want to see? Maybe.