#sometimes the options for the choices take as long as the whole-ass post and art put together TuT

[palestporn]

Karkat: try to let yourself have something nice for once

This time when Gamzee reaches out he goes straight for the bruise on your forehead, and you grit your teeth and let him, steeling yourself for when it starts to hurt. By the way your pan is aching, you have to be bruised all the way to the root of your horn.

When he touches the place that hurts, though, it's so light you hardly feel it. He makes an unhappy, hissing little noise through his teeth, and takes his hand away again; when it comes back he's got the cloth you used to clean his face off, dabbing with almost ludicrous care at the lump on your skull.

"You're gonna turn all motherfucking sorts of colors," he murmurs, and works his way down your cheek, back up again, to the dried mess sticking your eye halfway shut. "Close this for me, brother."

You try. You seriously do. But when his claws come near your eye, you twitch away on instinct and snap your fangs before you can get a hold of yourself. It hurts, centering in your horn and out like a spiderweb, spiking and flaring in your jaw as you grit your teeth--

Gamzee's hand settles on the horn that doesn't hurt, and gives a slow, hard squeeze.

It feels so fucking good. For just a second, your body and your thinkpan both unclench and go loose like a muscle cramp giving way. The pain in your head sinks down to something manageable as your jaw untenses. His bad arm is wavering, but he's cleaning the blood away quick and gentle, careful around your swollen eye. You just want to let him--

Threshecutioner Vantas: The MISSION. The mission, your moirail, PROTECT HIM.

--You can't, you can't, you still need to finish cleaning him up, put a pressure wrap on his leg, he's going to start having pain again soon, and you want him in sopor before that happens, and you have to send your mission report to the empress--

"Ohh, beloved," Gamzee says, soft and sleepy, and pulls you inexorably forward, ignoring your tense resistance, rubbing slow and steady at the base of your good horn, filling your pan with the sense of him. There's an extra edge to his voice, a whispering hum, when he says, "You're all tangled up, best friend," and you look up at him in time to catch a slow pulse of purple light through his eyelashes. "I smell it on you--"

"Keep your creep powers the fuck out of my thinkpan," you say, and he sighs and blinks the light out of his eyes. The hum of his holy chucklefucker voodoo bullshit dies out of your horns, whatever he was doing fades, and you feel--bad again. Worse again. "Are you done? We're clean, we're done, let's get out of here and get you in a recuperacoon."

"I'm done," he says, and scratches his claws slow and gentle through your hair, pressing and kneading at the root of your horn, still talking to you in that quiet, steady voice like he's trying to talk down a panicking lusus. "Still some stuff you gotta let go of, though."

"I don't need--" Fuck that feels nice. "No. No, I'm-- If you're feeling better then we're done here, Gamzee, I have shit to get done."

He nods, considering that. "Well, I'm not a threshecutioner," he says, and you know the tone he takes when he digs in his fucking heels. Goddammit. "But you schoolfed me pretty good how this works. if you wanna get some shit off me, motherfucker, you're gonna have to give me something back." And he leans forward and rests his forehead on yours, locking the nubs of your horns against his. This time when his eyes start to glow, you can feel the hum right down through your horns. He's coaxing at something, trying to draw it up.

Karkat: How bad is it?

==> It's going to hurt you. You want it to. ==> It's going to hurt him. He wants you to. ==> It's going to hurt both of you. It already has.

[Start Over]

[mariannesketchnotes]

Fanfic Rec List (mostly Timeless)

Since starting this blog, I created 24 fanfic sketchnotes & I can now create a mosaic that covers nearly a square meter. So, in celebration of all these amazing stories I got to recommend, join me in this (massive) compilation post with links to all the stories & the sketchnotes (for more detail on my recommendations). I categorized the stories and I wish to celebrate all you amazing writers & artists today! Thank you for sharing your stories & art.

I hope you forgive the massive amount of namedropping I am about to do. (Also: I love reading the responses when people see my sketchnotes - so feel free to respond, sent me a note or engage in conversations :-) ). I’m also always on the lookout for more stories to read: I particularly like found family, recovery, mission fic, general or rare pair stories & maturity in characters & conversations. I like adults leaving teen drama behind and dealing with things like the adults they are. Angst is a favorite too, and I enjoy the multiverse of AUs. (Honestly: I’m a pretty eclectic reader).

Timeless

The show that pulled me back into fandom & fanfic & to all you wonderful people. The full list is under a read-more, cause this post got LONG.

Historical / Mission

The Only Way Out by @sallyexactly

Author’s summary: Chinatown leaves the team shattered and grieving, but their only option is to stumble forward. To save the world, they'll need strength of character they didn't know they had, to defeat depths of evil like they've never seen. Meanwhile, they need to find a way to decide their own future, not give up hope... and save the fighting for the actual bad guys. It's honestly a toss-up which of those will be hardest.

This story is my headcanon of how the series ended. It is long (300000+ words) but well-worth it. It's got history, slow and mature development and an intelligent resolution. I reread it frequently and although I have wanted to capture my response in a (series of) sketchnote, I never managed it to my satisfaction. The story is beautiful and feels cathartic (and well-worth rereading over and over).

The Road Ode by @sallyexactly  - my sketchnote

Post-canon. Roadtrip with our favourite historian & lots of historical markers on the way. 107937 words.

The Gutter and the Stars by @letmetellyouaboutmyfeels - my sketchnote

Oscar Wilde. Short (1397 words) & funny.

No End, No Beginning by MandyCandy - my sketchnote

Ambitious plan & canon divergent. Tecumseh. With a full bibliography. 65068 words.

Parallel Lines by @x-voyevoda - my sketchnote

Multiverse. Post-canon. Rated mature. Work-in-Progress. 71911 words.

Zajednički by @insane-sociopath - my sketchnote

Retelling of season 2. PTSD. More missions included. Incomplete. 129474 words.

Evocative / Poetic / Philosophical / Makes Me Think

Burn the Witch by barefootwithneonhands - my sketchnote

Evocative. Poetic & fascinating to no end. 19534 words.

Two Roads by @oldshrewsburyian - my sketchnote

How do you live your life while waiting for a future you once so tantalisingly glimpsed but barely dared hope for? Denise Christopher pondering her choices. 835 words.

The Nuclear Option by RedGold (@timelesshonesttrailer) - my sketchnote

“Sometimes… sometimes change happens because a thousand voices cry out and make themselves heard, many moving parts of some Rube-Goldberg Machine. But… from time to time… it just takes one person, making one decision, and that changes the fate of the world.” Jessica-centric. 6036 words

A Shot of Remembrance by @doctorliamsr - my sketchnote

Garcia & Karl. Season 1. 1093 words.

Scorched Earth by @sallyexactly - my sketchnote

Garcia & Lucy. Evocative language. 2695 words.

Ballet-Feerie by @oldshrewsburyian & @qqueenofhades - my sketchnote

Ballet AU. Dance as language. Authors’ summary: “Garcia Flynn teaches ballet to a class including Amy Preston. Lucy Preston has been her younger sister's guardian since they were orphaned. Hesitant conversations and fraught silences ensue. Also, there's Tchaikovsky.”  16799 words.

Alternate Universe

Finding Light in Darkness - by Ultra - my sketchnote

19-century Governess AU. 40199 words. Found Family. Wholesome story.

Incandescent & Adolescent (Wonders Never Cease) by @letmetellyouaboutmyfeels - my sketchnote

She Loves Me AU. 1930s setting. Lots of letter writing. 18438 words. 

Ballet-Feerie by @oldshrewsburyian & @qqueenofhades - my sketchnote

Ballet AU. See above. 16799 words

Blood Sins - A #FlynnFriday Imagines Series (E-rated) by  @doctorliamsr, @timelesshonesttrailer & @ununpredictableme - my sketchnote

Vampire AU. Ongoing story that fascinates me to no end. Reading any snippit I can get my hands on. Garcia/Lorena/Lucy & Jiya/Rufus relationships. The E-rated parts are clearly marked and can be skipped if it’s not your cup of tea. Currently at 47403 words.

The Assassin’s Holiday by @secretnerdprincess - my sketchnote

Murdervision. Assassin AU. Got me giggling all the way through. 12224 words. Rated mature.

Amehrana by Redgold (@timelesshonesttrailer) - my sketchnote

Food Truck AU. Found family. Wholesome. Mature people. Lorena is awesome.  32589 words.

Lorena Lives

Rise Like a Reckoning by @amandamonroe - my sketchnote

Author’s summary: ‘"Lorena Flynn Has a Chance" Ex-CIA agent Lorena Flynn is back. She's got her daughter, her husband, and the woman who saved their lives years ago. She's taking command of the bunker and taking Rittenhouse down.’ Lorena/Garcia/Lucy hinted at towards the end. 6483 words.

Blood Sins - A #FlynnFriday Imagines Series (E-rated) by  @doctorliamsr, @timelesshonesttrailer & @ununpredictableme - my sketchnote

See above. Also: Iris lives!

Amehrana by Redgold (@timelesshonesttrailer) - my sketchnote

See above. Yes, I’m recommending this twice. :-)

Due to the nature of the show, there are not many stories in which Lorena lives. I particularly like the Lorena focused stories that RedGold, @sallyexactly, @omnicat​ & @amandamonroe​ write. Lorena & Iris deserved better and these stories bring depth, humanity and grace to Lorena & her choices. I reread them frequently and recommend you do the same. These authors are amazing.

Recovery & Healing

To Find a Home by @misscrazyfangirl321 - my sketchnote 

Rufus & Jiya & Garcia friendship. Extending grace. 4529 words.

A Butterfly Garden by @vita-s-west - my sketchnote

Post-Rittenhouse defeat. Slow recovery. Especially wholesome to read in these pandemic times. There’s now a sequel too!  3323 words. 

Nisam Sam by @thealocksly - my sketchnote

Lucy’s processing her time in Rittenhouse & Garcia holds space for her. Soft & dark & visceral. 1225 words.

Q&A by @somekindofflowergirl - my sketchnote

Author’s summary: “Lucy and Flynn develop a routine during their nighttime chats. She's allowed one loaded question and he's allowed one loaded apology.” 22176 words

The Road Ode by @sallyexactly - my sketchnote

See above. This roadtrip fic inspired my own roadtrip where we found ourselves in Friedrichshafen, Germany and the Zeppelin museum there were there was a whole exposition on the Hindenburg. Felt very serendipidous.

Honorable mentions (especially in these pandemic times):

Disease Protocols for Time Travellers by hjea (594  words)

Also, I’d like to give a shoutout to @battleshipgarcy​ for their fan archive sites & meta posts with screenshots of the journal & all the meta content. I love seeing all those small details highlighted! (Plus: their Maria Thompkins in their story The Road Less Traveled intrigues me to no end!)

Other Fandoms

Hunger Games - A Standing Engagement (E-rated) by @bettsfic - my sketchnote. 

Annie & Finnick AU within Hunger Games world. 56760 words. The Food Wars are so very appropriate in the Hunger Games world. It’s fascinating how well betts incorporates exisiting Hunger Games context into this story: this feels like it could have happened.

Temeraire - The Diplomat’s Dragon by indecisive_lotus - my sketchnote

Ongoing story. Post-canon. I love Churki & Hammond together & how Hammond especially gets out-manouvered. 20730 words.

White Collar - In Your Wildest Dreams by sahiya - my sketchnote

Post-canon. Sara Ellis focused. Author’s summary ”This was what grief did to you, Sara knew. It played tricks on your mind. But if it wasn’t Neal, then who could it be? Who else would send her an anonymous packet detailing all the ways someone could knock over the Louvre?” 14289 words.

White Collar - I’ve been bingereading the stories by Sholio. Especially the stories focused on Diana Barrigan. They are a delight. Breakout is especially bad-ass Diana (in heels nonetheless!)

I started this blog to show my appreciation of those wonderful fanfic stories that have entertained me endlessly and engage with these amazing artists (and other people in fandom who share my enthusiasm!) This recommendation list is obviously incomplete and I welcome additions & conversations! 

[assortedfruitsnacks212]

I miss you, Tumblr! + Life update on stuff and things

Heyyyyy everyone. I figured it was high time I made a proper post talking about, well, everything that’s happened since I stopped posting so much. I don’t like that I disappeared - this site was where I discovered Reylo and made some truly awesome friends. So I want to stick around, you know? And I do hope to come back more often from now on. It’s just hard juggling so many social media platforms...

But ANYWAY. I promised an update, so here we go.

1. I’m moving across the country!

That’s right ladies and gents, I’m fleeing the New Jersey coop for my old hometown of Huntsville, AL. 

Why, you ask? Well, Huntsville is very much a city of the future. As the home of NASA's Marshall Space Flight Center (where they built the Saturn V rockets!) Huntsville has earned the well-deserved moniker "Rocket City USA." It's also undergoing a huge economic boom, which has led to a thriving arts community.

New Jersey? Eh.

I'm tired of just treading water and not making headway toward my dreams. I’ll talk about those dreams a bit more in this post. Needless to say, they’re very, very important to me.

So I'm not settling anymore. In August/September, I'm packing up shop and heading down south. It's the start of something new, and I can’t wait.

2. I started a Patreon for my passion project, and it’s going well <3

My passion project, The Oracle Fragment, has been the one thing I’ve returned to over and over again for the past 10+ years. Late last year I decided to step up my commitment by starting a Patreon. I’ve only done a soft launch so far, and I’m already at 38 Patrons :) It’s been a rewarding month!

My official launch is scheduled for Wednesday, February 27. I’ll be celebrating with a Twitch stream with fun games, sketch requests, and maybe a little giveaway ;) The stream starts at 9pm EST. Let me know if you want to come - as you know, I take Reylo requests ;)

3. I’ve returned to my roots: pencil drawing!

A friend of mine convinced me to do some traditional drawing again, and I’m so glad he did. I’d forgotten how lovely it is to put pencil to paper. Also, I know I’m far better at it than I am at digital sketching. So I’m gonna let myself indulge a bit - and maybe even find a way to marry my pencil art TO my digital art. People do it all the time, I hear ;)

People who are waiting on commissions: if you want me to sketch your ideas traditionally, shoot me a message and let’s talk about it! If I do a pencil sketch for you, I can actually mail it to you OR to the friend of your choice. Shipping is free! (unless it’s international in which case we’ll discuss it) @reylorianlovechild @immortalpen @faithren @rebelrebelreylo @jesssssah

4. I’m putting my art in local stores

My favorite stores in Woodstown, Barney Loves Books and the Woodstown Coffee Shop and Bakery, have agreed to let me display my art on their premises. I’m REALLY excited and also a little overwhelmed :) I’m gonna start small, with just a basket of prints and originals... BUT who knows where it could go from here :) 

If you’re in the Woodstown area, come take a look sometime! Woodstown is about 40 minutes away from Philadelphia. As a bonus, we could even meet - just message me and we’ll go get coffee from the bakery!

5. I’m raising money for Star Wars Celebration

I bought Saturday passes for my husband and me some time ago. Now it’s time for me to either (A) raise the money for travel and lodging, or (B) sell the tickets to someone else. :p For a while I was leaning toward just selling them, but hell, it would be SO nice to go, if only for a day! So I’m going to give it a shot. Keep an eye out for commission openings (once my current ones are finished) and other cool stuff!

6. I’m doing more portrait work

Again, this is all because my friends and family convinced me to... BUT I’ve decided to make a whole-assed attempt at making my portrait work a thing. I’m printing up brochures to display with my art, and I’ve revamped my listings on Etsy.

Portraits are my strongest point, after all. There’s something about the human face that utterly enchants me, and people tell me I have the ability to capture the subject’s heart and soul on paper. I’ve decided to believe them. :)

If you’ve been thinking about commissioning a portrait of a friend, family member, or other loved one (including fictional loves *coughKylocough*), you can go to my Etsy here, or just message me here on Tumblr.

Speaking of Etsy...

7. I’m adding lots more stuff to my Etsy store

I haven’t done much with Etsy since last summer, and it’s time I fixed that. Over the weekend, I FINALLY added a print option for Elf lord Kylo Ren (!!), and I’m about to add merch for him, too. Oh, and I just ordered fine art prints of Elven Kylo and Hades and Persephone Reylo so I can put out hand-embellished versions of them!! That’s where I paint on the prints with gold or silver so they look extra shiny and pretty. You can see a pic of my embellished Art Nouveau Padme here.

Other plans I have for my Etsy: 

- add pillow inserts to my custom pillows - add MORE fanart - add MORE originals

If you have ideas for other things I can add to my Etsy, please let me know! Especially if it’s Reylo things ;) 

8. I’m starting a regular Twitch stream with an art/storytelling focus

I’ve wanted to be a Twitch streamer for a long time, but I could never figure out what to do, exactly. Just recently, inspiration hit me like a bolt of lightning:

I want my stream to be all about storytelling.

Life gets crazy, depressing, and devoid of magic sometimes. I want to bring a little of that magic back by creating an intentional space outside of daily life for imagination and exploration. Dreaming, brainstorming, chasing plot bunnies, painting, sketching, talking deep subjects, and playing games - these will all be welcome activities in my magic circle. So if that sounds good to you, come make magic with me <3

My inaugural stream will be Saturday, February 23 at noon EST. After that, I hope to stream at least 3 times a week in the afternoons.

---

As for Reylo stuff...

Believe me, though I’ve been absent from Tumblr, I’ve never, EVER stopped thinking about Reylo. And I haven’t forgotten about any of my ongoing Reylo fics and projects!

I’ll make a separate post about that, though. I’ve talked your ear off quite enough for one post ;)

I’ve missed you all. If the urge strikes you, PLEASE come and see hi. I’d love to hear from you!

@reylocalligraphy @reylo-convert @enjoyallneednothing-blog @raven-maiden @obsessivepropulsive @ever-so-reylo @monsterleadmehome @reylolujah @pacificwanderer @dreamsdescent @faequeentitania @thewayofthetrashcompactor @deafield @dvrkrey @reylotrashpiler @recklessdarkness @cosmo-gonika @aionimica @creationsvixen @collegefangirl3791 @inmyownidiom @midnightbluefox

[thelifetimechannel]

The Dave and Dirk log, for obvious reasons, was something I wanted to try very hard to get right. That meant although we drafted it together via msparp, as was our custom, I ended up overhauling it way more than any of our other combo walkaround logs. A few chunks did survive the transfer, though.

In other news, we’ve made a solemn pact to finish TLC over winter break, which is good because I’m running out of bonus content. Hopefully we’ll have some assets to show off soon. I’ve already seen a few; they’re very nice.  

DIRK: Hey, dude. You did pretty well out there. DIRK: Didn't even die once. DAVE: twice in a day is my max im satisfied with keeping that record DAVE: even if getting machinegunned is rapidly becoming my "thing" DIRK: Seems we each have our respective "signature deaths". DIRK: Or at least it ain't a party until I get decapitated. That sure was something we needed to do again. DIRK: Just once, for old time's sake. DAVE: well that puts the nail in the meme coffin DAVE: any time you panic someones gonna tell you to keep your head on DAVE: like keeping your hair on except you know that shit aint going anywhere its probably shellaced DIRK: That shit is bolted to the floor. Did you know I walked around with a girly-ass pink tiara on my head this whole day and had no idea? DIRK: I had no idea. Couldn't feel a thing. DIRK: And people let me do that. DIRK: Can't fuckin' believe it. DAVE: oh DAVE: i figured you knew DIRK: I am less than pleased with my Skaia-ordained divine color scheme. DIRK: But I guess I have to live with it. It's part of the team aesthetic. DAVE: you could always change DIRK: Nah, with the tiara and tights ditched I have at least mitigated the enforced flamboyance. It's bearable. DIRK: I can't be the one dude out of uniform. Couldn't bear the shame. DAVE: my outfit is pretty sick ngl DAVE: sburb knows everyones secret desire is to have a cape DIRK: Unfortunately, mine isn't long enough to also make for a good tactical maneuver. DIRK: Not gonna lie, that was pretty funny. DAVE: if nothing else my attempts at combat can provide a source of humor in our lives DAVE: but honestly id be fine if my fighting days were over DAVE: i was never into it DAVE: rose on the other hand was obviously itching to beat people up DAVE: one of those 12 year olds who wants to get jumped in an alley to work out her suppressed anger DIRK: Maybe Skaia did make a few miscalculations in dumping your asses with your respective guardians. I think you'd get along well with Roxy and her cats, make her budget her time away from the alcohol. DIRK: ...in theory. DIRK: Rose can go a few rounds with me if she wants, we still need to sort out who has the rights to document our legendary journies. DAVE: ill plan your funeral DAVE: what kind of flowers do you want DIRK: ...there's different kinds? DAVE: damn thats right you grew up in waterworld DAVE: these choices matter DAVE: allegedly theres a thing called "flower language" DAVE: whether you can actually send someone a boquet telling them to meet you in the pit i dont know DIRK: Like, I get that, in theory, different kinds of flowers exist. But I fully anticipate any attempt on my part to conjugate in the language of said plants would end in my coffin declaring my hovercraft was indeed full of eels. DIRK: Maybe it'll have thorns on it. Or it'll be like the sixteen millions tons of green bullshit covering my land and making my nose itch. DAVE: probably DIRK: Worst case scenario, I'll pick out something orange and present to a prospective love interest and it'll mean something like "my brotherly passion for you knows no boundaries, and also no homo". DAVE: my bro wouldnt go for flower arranging DAVE: or pink tiaras DAVE: he was pretty uptight about the whole rah rah macho act DAVE: probably subscribed to alpha males weekly DAVE: which is weird considering DAVE: well DAVE: youre gay right DIRK: Uh. DIRK: Well. DIRK: My symbolic quest land is not covered in green bullshit, but I. DIRK: Happen to like watching birds, if you know what I mean. DIRK: Fuck, you probably don't know what that means. Jake and his goddamn thousand euphemisms. DAVE: cant say i do no DIRK: Nobody knows what it means but Jake. It's an old time epithet for being into dudes. DIRK: He knows all the old epithets, including some I suspect he made up. DAVE: so DAVE: thats a yes DAVE: in a roundabout way that includes birds DIRK: I've never denied it. DIRK: I'm just. DIRK: Not a huge fan of the word. Why, in this world post-society, do we need to confine ourselves to labels like "gay"? Such constraints were washed away from my world with the rest of the human race. DAVE: holy shit that was such a pretentious dodge DAVE: dont let rose hear you say that DIRK: Rose can hear all she likes. DAVE: but anyway DAVE: i wasnt asking to get up all in your business like SOME PEOPLE DAVE: who are so into getting into other peoples businesses theyre basically the fucking mafia or the irs DAVE: but DAVE: it explains some stuff DAVE: but on the other hand it doesnt DAVE: the way you raised me was kinda aggressively mainstream masculine enough that it wasnt something that ever seemed to come up as an option DAVE: [describe that type of culture and mindset better later, I KNOW what i mean but im tired rn lmao] DAVE: and anything outside of that id just brush off because it couldnt apply to me DAVE: and that went for pretty much everything that went against what you wanted for me DAVE: including that DIRK: And yet, here the man was, subconsciously shrieking his desire for floppy felt dong through, DIRK: What I guess you could call his art, for want of any other applicable word at all. God, the mental images are crawling up the insides of my skull like the Exorcist child, do I want to know? DAVE: probably not DAVE: guess trying to act peak male has its drawbacks DAVE: weirdly enough troll culture is obsessively hyperviolent but doesnt give a shit about sexuality DAVE: they dont see the difference most of the time i guess DAVE: and so like DAVE: maybe it rubs off on you because in some ways that kind of makes sense DAVE: but after so long its hard to know what i feel and what it means because i spent so long ignoring it DAVE: so i guess i was wondering DAVE: if you had anything that might help with that DAVE: or if youre also trapped in this whirling screaming maelstrom of bullshit DAVE: while kinsey sits in the eye of the storm laughing DIRK: Wait, wait, wait. DIRK: You're coming to me. DIRK: For advice. DIRK: Do you know what a laughable hurricane of disaster my interpersonal life has been? DIRK: Like, in a weird way, I'm kind of honored, especially since about five hours ago you were scared shitless to be around me, but. DIRK: I'm standing here and waving my credentials in the air just to display how I don't fucking have any. My degree is a sham and my hands are empty except for a crudely scribbled on piece of construction paper. DAVE: are you suggesting theres a gay university DAVE: where you study bird watching DIRK: Do I look like a man who's been to college? DAVE: fair DAVE: but like DAVE: your friends know DAVE: how did you broach the subject there DIRK: I might as well have been dating a Yoko Ono for the devastation it wreaked on our friend group, so yeah, it was a little hard to ignore. DIRK: Compounded by the fact some smartass from Gay University was using my social circle for romance geometry homework. DIRK: It wasn't even a love triangle so much as a love roundabout. DAVE: ok but thats just because you were a dipshit not a gay dipshit DAVE: they were chill about the first part right DIRK: Thanks. DIRK: I mean... Roxy always seemed disappointed. DAVE: luckily i dont think anyones waiting in line for me DAVE: i guess im blowing it out of proportion DAVE: i dont think anyone will MIND DAVE: no one did about rose and kanaya DAVE: didnt even question the vampire bit which goes to show what our lives are like these days DAVE: like ok our outfit has vampires now DAVE: thats a thing that we have DAVE: if i say oh hey i might be bisexual theyll just say sure pull up a chair at the acronym table DAVE: the only one who might be weird about it is john DAVE: but hed be just as weird if i told him id changed my favorite color hes just like that DAVE: the only person its really a big deal for is me DIRK: Jane was a little bit like that. I'm pretty sure the only reason she had to object was because she found out the day I made a move on her crush. DIRK: It might just be growing up in a household where you're not regularly fighting for your life, and thus what genders are kissing whom has the space to be higher on your priority list. DAVE: that aint anyones priority these days DAVE: im prepared to acknowledge the concept that hey maybe everyone elses lives dont revolve around me and my personal drama or self revelations might have some merit at least as a hypothesis DAVE: when i met kid english he kept going on about how i was the most important person and everyone else was side characters DAVE: and maybe ive acted like that sometimes DIRK: Yeah, like you alone are the one responsible for everyone around you. DAVE: and maybe ive acted like i think that way too sometimes DAVE: ive been wrong about people DAVE: people i care about people i shouldve known better DAVE: i was wrong because i wanted to believe things that matched how i wanted the world to be DAVE: things that made it easier for the story i was telling myself DAVE: i dont think kid english meant to call me on it but damn DIRK: Reality is, after all, something we construct for ourselves. DIRK: I think maybe I knew that all along when I surfaced for air inbetween shoving my head as far up my ass as it would go. DIRK: Or maybe that's just what I try to tell myself in hindsight. DAVE: well if it takes a hyperactive 12 year old version of the final bosss creepy hero worship of me to make a point i guess thats not the least subtle way the universe has sent me a message lately DIRK: You want unsubtle? Let me tell you about my damn planet quest. DAVE: haha DAVE: i didnt have to do much of my quest because im invisible DAVE: thanks mom DIRK: My denizen practically sat me down like it was my life coach and growled in my ear about improving my communication skills with a guy I told to go fuck himself not eighteen hours prior. DIRK: So while I'm glad SBURB has a vested interest in me repairing my friendships, playing electroshock death DDR with him was a little on the nose. DAVE: maybe getting shot again wasnt that bad DAVE: so weve all learned our life lessons good job team DIRK: Exactly. Can we wrap this up now? Can we please go rest? DIRK: I'm so exhausted I haven't even noticed I'm still hungover. DAVE: sure thing DAVE: but if i need tips on leaping out of a closet to intimidate passerby i might text you DIRK: I mean, I can try. As long as you don't ask me for dating tips. That, I definitely shouldn't be helping you with. DIRK: Go talk to your sister for that. DIRK: ...wouldn't she, by the transitive property of siblings, also be my sister? DAVE: yeah i guess DAVE: but theres no way in hell im asking rose for dating advice DAVE: on her first date which she refused to admit was romantically oriented she got wasted in anticipation forgot to show up and then fell down the stairs DIRK: Oh my god. DAVE: she tries to look like shes got her shit together but its a lie DAVE: if you find my corpse floating on lolar in the next few hours dont let the truth die with me DIRK: Why are we like this? DIRK: Is there actually something hardwired into our DNA that predisposes us to being disasters? DIRK: But, that aside. DIRK: I won't object if it's me you come to talk to. DAVE: ill hold you to it DAVE: and if you ever want to publicly you admit you DAVE: "enjoy birdwatching" DAVE: in less vague and evasive terms DAVE: ill have your back DIRK: Thanks.

[pride-vns-blog]

LGBTQ VN Week: Day Four! (6/21)

Wow, we’re already at the fourth day of LGBTQ visual novel recommendations! You’ve probably seen this preface on previous parts of this list, but if you haven’t read my first post, that writeup’s “One note before we get started” section, explains more clearly what this list is and why I’m writing it!

Plenty of visual novels talk about sex and intimacy, so for today, I’ve set aside four with my personal favorite approaches to the topic — CODE:Phantasm’s 404 Error: Connection Not Found, parade’s No Thank You!!!, SugarScript’s Cute Demon Crashers, and Mitch Alexander’s Tusks: An Orc Dating Sim, plus a conversation with Mitch about his creative process on Tusks.

Head on in to hear about your little brother dyeing his hair pink, a truly inscrutable protagonist, freeloading demons playing Mario Kart, and inspirational Skyrim mods!

404 ERROR: CONNECTION NOT FOUND (CODE:PHANTASM)

Itchio Tagline: “Sometimes connecting to others is harder than loneliness.” Genre(s): Slice of life; drama. Release Date: July 30th, 2017 (demo); TBA (full version). Content Warnings: Text-only depiction of sex and sex work; adult content.

404 Error: Connection Not Found is the story of Ren Matsuura, a camboy who ran away from home after turning eighteen and supports himself financially through camming — but thanks to his agoraphobia and general anxiety, he rarely goes outside, to the point that he’s pared all his social connections down to casual conversations with his clients and lying to his younger brother Haru about what he does for a living. When his brother decides to come visit for the first time since Ren moved out, Ren is forced to confront the fact that his guilt and shame have driven him into a corner with no support system. In the span of the demo, he starts to try and reach out to the clients he has a more regular relationship with to prepare him for Haru’s eventual visit, ending on a cliffhanger that seems to be leading directly into the plotline of the main story.

This visual novel’s demo is the shortest of all the stories on my entire list, to my knowledge, but it’s also the most memorable demo I’ve played in a long, long while. As someone who’s had to contend with similar mental illnesses in the past — paranoia and agoraphobia unsurprisingly have a pretty high degree of comorbidity! — I felt like Ren’s slow struggle to make progress for the sake of his younger brother was written sincerely, thoughtfully, and believably in the timespan of a single demo playthrough. Ren can be funny, when he’s not spiraling internally, and his rocky progress at trying to talk to others more honestly is loaded with plenty of funny jokes and quips about his takes on things. He’s a sympathetic, well-rounded protagonist who comes across strongly in the demo alone, and I ended up really rooting for him to make it to a place where he was happier with his life.

There’s another aspect to the story that I ended up really liking, too: the fact that sex work, especially jobs like camming, can be extremely common among LGBTQ people who can’t support themselves financially in other ways. Ren can’t go outside and can’t interact with many people without severe, earth-shattering anxiety attacks (a few of which we see in the demo!), so this job is what he’s got. It’s a job that’s sustained him for years, and although it’s certainly fed into his own relative isolation, 404 Error seemed to walk that careful balance of making it explicit that it’s Ren’s own lack of steady support for his mental illness instead of the simple fact that he does sex work that causes his interpersonal problems. I’m optimistic about the remainder of the story’s handling of those kinds of things, too, because what was present in the demo was sympathetic and sincere! There’s not very many sex workers or camgirls/camboys in visual novels outside of an extremely tiny handful, let ones alone in conjunction to stories that acknowledge of the way LGBTQ people as a whole can struggle with more convential jobs, so Ren’s genuinely empathetic personality and the hope I have for his future makes me excited to see where CODE:Phantasm takes 404 Error from here.

404 Error: Connection Not Found’s free Yaoi Game Jam demo is available now, and you can follow the CODE:Phantasm team on Itch.io, Twitter, or Tumblr to stay updated on their progress with Ren’s story.

NO THANK YOU!!! (PARADE)

MangaGamer Tagline: “This summer vacation begins with a car accident...” Genre(s): Comedy; drama; mystery. Release Date: June 28, 2013 (Japanese); February 27, 2015 (English).  Content Warnings: Adult content; multiple sex scenes; frequent sexual harassment; blood; drugs; violence; death.

Right off the bat, I think parade’s debut visual novel (as a studio, at least) does a lot of interesting things and definitely seems to be aiming high with creating distinct, memorable stories. The art in No Thank You!!! is gorgeous, its voice acting is top-tier, a lot of the side characters are compelling even beyond the space or role the narrative gives them, and the love interests alone are all fully-realized characters with interesting stories. Romance option Ryu’s route, in particular, fleshes out the larger sense of mystery and the other characters to an astounding degree! That’s to say nothing of the most unique mechanic — which I mostly call the NTY!!! button — that offers you the chance to say “no thank you” in a variety of scenes without always telling you what it is you’re saying that to. It’s occasionally a little too easy to guess, but at certain points I ended up lulled into a false sense of security with that easiness that the game was all too ready to take advantage of with a much less obvious choice.

One of the sticking points with No Thank You!!! that I’ve seen other players express, on the other hand, is the way protagonist Haru is written. That’s not to say his writing specifically is bad — parade clearly had a vision in mind for Haru’s personality, and from his sketchy beginnings to his clearer end, he’s a coherent character with a consistent narrative. While the crux of the story is more insight into Haru, where he came from, and what the truth behind all those mysteries might be, though, Haru’s behavior still underpins a lot of what drives the romance routes forward. And his behavior... The official quote on his personality, “[s]exual harassment is an everyday activity for him,” can at times seem like it’s underselling exactly how often he tries to grab an ass. It’s no surprise that a fair few other players I’ve seen have walked away with pretty strong opinions on Haru as a character. (I’m personally not a huge fan.)

But to me, a divisive protagonist who you don’t actually fully understand as a character — Haru’s thoughts on a lot of key things are far less accessible than the likes of Aoba Seragaki or most Western M/M protagonists, which leaves you knowing most of his thoughts or feelings via his interactions from others — seems to go perfectly hand-in-hand with the way the visual novel as a whole operates. No Thank You!!! puts you at a distance by Haru’s viewpoint being occasionally “indecipherable” (to use the official phrasing), and then it throws you further with its sometimes-unpredictable NTY!!! button mechanic, but the strength of its other individual pieces taken together still sold me on it as both a solid set of mystery stories and an 18+ dating sim.

Also I really like Maki.

No Thank You!!! is available for a sale price of $19.95 on MangaGamer’s store (18+), and you can read more about parade’s story and characters on MangaGamer’s designated No Thank You!!! page (also 18+).

CUTE DEMON CRASHERS (SUGARSCRIPT)

Itchio Tagline: “A short and silly consent-friendly and sex-positive VN!” Genre(s): Modern fantasy. Release Date: April 7th, 2015 (Mirari and Akki’s routes); August 15th, 2015 (full version). Content Warnings: Multiple sex scenes; detailed uncensored nudity.

I don’t think I could sum up Cute Demon Crashers better than the Itch.io tagline does — it’s short, it’s hilarious, and it’s got an emphasis on consent that meshes perfectly with its goofy “a bunch of incubi and one succubus come to the mortal realm to have sex” plot. The characters are all charming and fit perfectly into its universe, with distinct personalities that come across clearly without ever feeling hamfisted in the limited time that the script lets you spend with them. Although this isn’t necessarily a romance game, especially given that incubi and succubi are “closer to what people know of as aromantic” according to the SugarScript FAQ, its cute, thoughtful writing and adorable design in everything from the characters to the user interface mean that there’s plenty of love infused in every aspect of Cute Demon Crashers.

Like yesterday’s We Know The Devil, Cute Demon Crashers is one of those visual novels with a distinct, memorable mechanic that almost placed it squarely in Tuesday’s creative design list. Cute Demon Crashers is one of the first visual novels — or, by my experience, the first altogether — to implement a mechanic specifically themed around stopping in the middle of sex. If you’re ever uncomfortable or you just plain want the scene to end, you can hit a button and protagonist Claire will talk with her partner to bring things to a close. (There’s also an option to just plain old not have sex with any of them, and spending time with the characters!) A lot of the dialogue in these scenes in particular is thoughtful, nuanced, and reads to me as being a pretty realistic depiction of how someone like Claire might ask those questions or express those kinds of concerns. 

The way Cute Demon Crashers handles intimacy and sexuality, by another measure, is one of those things that I think has also had a not-insignificant impact on the visual novel community as a whole; I’ve seen a fair number of people who’ve apparently never enjoyed an 18+ dating sim before talk about how its portrayal of sex resonated with them or brought them some measure of comfort. Because of the SugarScript team’s relative investment in the English-language visual novel scene as a whole, too — this project was born out of NaNoRenO and I’ve seen them promote development forum hub LemmaSoft or other small visual novels more than once — the compassion for the player that’s written into every aspect of Cute Demon Crashers seems to extend naturally to everyone else around the team in real life, which is something extremely special.

The entirety of Cute Demon Crashers is available now for free, and you can find out more information on its upcoming sequel (Cute Demon Crashers: Side B) on the SugarScript Twitter, Tumblr, and Itch.io!

Itchio Tagline: “GAY ORCS available in YOUR AREA.” Genre(s): Romance; fantasy; community building. Release Date: July 18th, 2015 (First Day demo); January 1st, 2018 (FUARLANG/full main story); TBA (individual route endings). Content Warnings: Adult content; sex; mentions of violence.

Mitch Alexander’s Tusks: The Orc Dating Sim, from head to toe, is one of my favorite depictions of sex and intimacy in video games — and with every gradual update, especially the most recent FUARLANG build that finished out the mai storyline, I’ve only become more sure of that. There’s an endearingly genuine quality to its art, character dialogue, and even in things like the NPC autonomy feature, where your companions have just as many chances to sway things like group votes or decide who’s on watch as you would without NPC autonomy being enabled. 

Interested to hear Mitch talk a little bit about his design process and the inspiration behind Tusks, I got in touch and asked him a few questions!

Thanks for taking the time for an interview, Mitch! While the title might be fairly self-explanatory, haha, how would you outline Tusks: An Orc Dating Sim in more detail to somebody new?

Tusks is a visual novel where the player joins a group at an annual orcish gathering, in a forest at the edge of a semi-mythical version of Scotland, and you then travel with this new found family and get to know them better. Most of the game is your group getting into adventures, talking to them one-on-one at camp at nighttime, and making decisions about how to go about your travels. The game's cast are all queer, and the game itself is an exploration of queer identity, community, history, and our relationship with the idea of monstrosity/Otherness.

I think it's fair to say that Tusks, as well as your larger body of work, deals a lot with intimacy and sexuality, especially the intersection between those two things; this is probably a question you've thought over yourself a fair bit, but what in particular interests you about those topics that drives you to explore them in Tusks and your other work?

Part of it is the fact that intimacy and sexuality are areas that can be massively important to queer people (especially since many of us are marginalised as a result of our sexuality being seen as deviant) but there aren't a lot of mainstream sources that play with intimacy and sexuality in relevant ways. And part of it is just because exploring sexuality for its own sake can be fun as well!

Definitely! There's always room for more fun with depictions of sexuality, haha. The premise for an all-orc dating sim is definitely a memorable one, and one you've fleshed out incredibly well with the thoughtfulness of your worldbuilding and character dynamics. What was the original inspiration that you built Tusks on, and what helped carry you across the finishing line of completing (for the most part) its story?

It was a lot of different threads coming together: I'd been playing a modded Skyrim save with an orc character who, in my head, was gay and had left his stronghold so to find other orcs like him and establish his own wee found family. That happened at the same time as me finding out about the NaNoReNo visual novel game jam, plus wanting to work on a game that actually put queer characters and discussions first and foremost rather than us just being a token presentation.

As for what carried me through, there was lots of things: the excitement of getting to tell stories that you just don't see in mainstream games, getting amazing feedback from players, and then at the end when I released the full main story on New Years', it was sheer bloody-mindedness.

There's a fair few interesting mechanics in Tusks, especially with regards to NPC autonomy; can you share a little bit of insight on why you decided to include those and how they function in the code?

NPC autonomy's a small but effective way of just slightly upsetting this idea that in visual novels, the player character gets to make all the decisions -- it automatically puts you in a decision-making leader role, and it's up to the writer then to narratively justify that -- which can be difficult if you're wanting to tell a story about a group of equal partners. So instead, NPC autonomy lets characters vote on things or lets characters potentially turn you down for romantic encounters.

It's an optional feature, so it's possible to play the game without it being on -- it just slightly changes the flow of the story and makes it seem a tad-bit more like you're part of a collective, if that makes sense.

Yeah, that makes sense! I think my playthroughs where NPC autonomy was on were definitely more interesting, by and large, because it really does add a lot to that sense of cooperation and community.

If you had to pick just one, what non-human (and non-orc) creature do you think more people should appreciate?

I'm really interested in exploring things with strong mythological connotations like minotaurs, since they're surrounded by particular ideas like labyrinths, being half-human and half-animal. I'd also really like to see someone explore the monstrousness of hags from [Dungeons and Dragons], because I think there's probably a way to talk about them and explore their relationships to femininity, presentation, glamour magick, witchcraft, and power.

Good choices! Those are both definitely really interesting ones. To wrap things up, are there any LGBTQ visual novels from other developers that you'd like to recommend?

I'd recommend checking out The Bitter Drop, by Isak Grozny; Ladykiller in a Bind by Christine Love, and We Know the Devil by Date Nighto!

Perfect! It's been a pleasure talking to you, Mitch, and I'm looking forward to your future projects.

Tusks: The Orc Dating Sim is available now for a reverse-sale price of $2.02, and you can support Mitch Alexander’s work on Patreon or follow his “nonsense” on Twitter and fully-released work on Itch.io!

[toastydoodles]

(Art Blog) | (Twitter) | (Instagram) | (Storenvy)

((Had to get in one last post before the new year!))

I HAD THE MOST STRESSFUL FUN THIS OCTOBER doing these three conventions three weeks in a row, not to mention doing multi-day conventions for the first time! There were ups and downs but I had so much fun and by the end of my con season my brain was utterly fried!!

Thank you so so much to everyone who stopped by, and to those who followed me here sometime in the past couple months: Hello!! Thank you for supporting my art and I hope you enjoy your stay!!

That said, I’m gonna talk a bit about this con season. GET COMFY, ITS LONG

So con prep started in late August when I learned that I actually got into Kumori after having been on their waitlist for a while. I knew then that I REALLY had to kick my ass into gear lol

At this point, I was still in the middle of my 40 hr (+ 12 hr travel time) a week summer internship, so I didn’t have all day to work on my prints until the weekend, but my weekends were usually taken up spending time with loved ones and friends. Or gaming, since I didn’t have the time during the weekdays >_>

Then college came back around, giving me 4 classes, a student job doing graphic design, and club activities + homework! When I thought I’d have more free time, I actually had less! But with cons approaching, I drew more than I would have if I didn’t have cons AND found myself improving when it came to doing prints again.

The biggest issue popped up a week before BCC. LONG story short, I suddenly did not have a button maker to borrow anymore. I weighed my options: either lose money on potential button sales (which made up most of my sales in previous years) and shelf my button designs, or drop $500 on a button maker set to make them in time for Kumori and Jet City. This is also keeping in mind that I might not be able to do too many cons in the future.

I bought the button maker. But, since I am the luckiest daughter in the world, my parents swooped in to pay for it as an early Christmas present. I will be making so many wearable memes with this gift and I am GRATEFUL.

Another issue I ran into the WHOLE MONTH was not being able to take card. I’m forever rejected from Square (tl;dr, my phone glitched during signup and shredded through all the signup attempts I can possibly have. Customer service basically said “welp, sorry!”) and Paypal Here was entirely unhelpful, so I had to go the season as cash only. I won’t actually know how much this hurt sales, but it definitely hurt turning down some big purchases because I was one of the few vendors that didn’t take card!

I’ll definitely be looking into the alternatives for card readers soon! There’s a lot out there.

This year, I kept track of my sales and stock with excel sheets with formulas! It definitely kept things organized and helped me keep track of stock and see where patterns were, if any. It wasn’t perfect, but it helped immensely. I also kept very VERY close track of what my spending was like. 

I’m spoiling it before the end, but I was about $200 from breaking even. Luckily I’m not in a position where this loss impacts significantly, but it still stings! It could have been a result of multiple things, such as the hotel for Kumori being 1/3rd of my expenses ALONE, my choice of products/fandoms, not having ability to take card, and general attendee interest.

Let’s take a brief look at each con!

Bellingham Comicon

Glad to be back!

Bellingham Comicon has once again, been a joy. It’s a small convention but excited attendees pack the place and sales were good. A couple people recognized me from last year and I recognized a couple people too! I didn’t have my button maker yet but perlers seemed to be decently popular. I even made a custom Witch Mercy perler that sold 40 MINUTES INTO THE CONVENTION. It sold so quick that I didn’t even get to take a table picture until after I sold it! (I will say, when I put up that custom Sentai Genji, I upped the price a bit lmao)

I met a lot of amazing artists and got to do a bunch of art trades as well, something I haven’t really done in previous years! I was happy to see a couple familiar faces and meet some new artists too!! BCC is small enough that walking around and chatting to other artists and vendors is on the easier side.

I got a couple weird looks dressed as IT Damien from Dream Daddy, but was glad some people recognized me! I made some first impressions on some very cool artists in that cosplay haHA

While BCC is a comic convention, I didn’t feel out of place. There were lots of attendees that I would consider in my target audience and I didn’t feel like it was taking away from business. BCC is very much a comic and pop culture convention, with fans looking for all sorts of things!

Kumoricon

GOD WHAT AN ADVENTURE

Kumori was my first multi-day convention, and the farthest I’ve travelled for a con! Needless to say, I was anticipating this con since August, but didn’t know AT ALL what to expect.

We ended up driving down on Thursday and setting up that night, which definitely took a lot of the stress away. I also managed to compact my table and merch into a single tote, a print box, a bag to hold the wire cubes, + personal bags for miscellaneous stuff. So that was less stressful too.

Friday came and I was cosplaying Taako (which, as I found out, is 150% more fun to wear than IT Damien oops). The day was on the slower side, and some of my friends came by to say hi and ended up helping out at my table, giving me time to check out the artist alley!

Kumori’s artist alley was HUGE. And even more jarring: so many of the artists I follow on twitter/insta/etc were there. Somehow. Good lord, how many of you live in the PNW that I didn’t know about? I recognized an artist who’s art I love in line while waiting for badges and almost had a heart attack. Over the weekend, I met a lot of artists but it was only a fraction of the entire artist alley. I didn’t even get to meet all the artists I recognized!

So. Profit-wise, the con was kind of a disappointment. Oh boy, here’s a stat: I made about as much at BCC as I did at Kumori. In three days.

Again, this could’ve been a number of things. A lot of artists (many more experienced than me!), general interest, things I chose to sell, etc. But even so, many of the returning artists I talked to said it was slower than last year and some said the con is usually pretty dang slow.

But the con was fantastic in other ways. It gave me valuable big-con experience, some new art friends/mutuals, a fun time at the con and in Portland (good food!), and again, my favorite part, meeting a ton of cool, amazing artists and being able to make some art trades or to buy from them!

I definitely needed rest after this one. My brain was absolutely FRIED by the time we finally got back home and ate a late dinner at Shari’s.

Jet City Comic Show

Not even gonna lie, it was EMPTY most of the weekend!

I ended up having to table by myself, which wasn’t a problem with how lax it was. I even had time to doodle as well as finish a pen drawing! And I live pretty close to the show, so I could just head home once the days ended.

My table neighbor was super cool and I met a bunch of cool artists from all over the artist alley as well! This alley was pretty massive too, so I didn’t get to check out all of them. Being a comic convention, most of the artists were comic-based, with maybe a hand full of anime-styled artist from what I could see.

Many artists had their own published comics, and I enjoyed listening to their pitches (and took some comics home too!!).

My row didn’t seem to get a lot of foot traffic, but neither did the majority of the artist alley. And Sunday was even slower! Talking to other vendors, I found out Jet City is usually slow, but this year was slower than the last.

All in all, it was a nice quiet weekend and I was happy to meet more amazing artists at this con, as well as happy to get home and REST!

Overall...

This season was rewarding. Not in the money way, unfortunately. I’m lucky to be a position where it doesn’t affect me in a major way. But I’m always so excited to go to cons, and just being around fellow fans and creative minds is rewarding in it’s own way. I’ve also learned what to do and what not to do for future conventions should I continue to do them!

the real profit was the artists we met along the way

[loumauve]

@aimofdestiny tagged me

long ass, rambly response under the cut:

1. Are there any tropes you’d like to see more of in pro fic (aka… traditionally published books)? If so, which ones?

tbh, I haven’t really picked up any books lately. whenever I feel like reading I feel like a v specific set of characters and setup, and fanfic is perfect for that while traditionally published fiction is not.. but ??tropes?? idk. are they all tropes? who ever cares. STUFFS I love include: 

COFFEE SHOP/BOOK STORE AUs (geonncannon has some p cool published fiction with similar content; also Ferry Tale... dudes and dudettes... pls read that. I know I say that every year but I really do mean it), CROSSOVERS of any kind, when I feel sentimental SOULMATE AUs (but mostly the less traditional ones. like.. friend soulmates are v cool too),  anything SUPERNATURAL like GHOSTS!! or vampires/werewolves (teenage me was v into those and sometimes still gets to run around and play), ANYTHING KINDA TWISTED AND MESSED UP tbh (don’t ask me to explain that pls omg.. imagine dub-con, ppl fucking themselves up bc they’re messed up and need years of therapy, all of that. I’m a terrible person, lol....but then also THE HEALING PROCESS!!!), if done right - PIRATE AUs, ANYTHING POST-APOCALYPTIC, PRETEND RELATIONSHIPS (wherein all parties harbour feelings for the other(s) but think they oughta keep it to themselves), HURT-COMFORT (of course! I mean.. you get it, right??!?), REINCARNATION (esp the kind where it takes them a looooong time to get it right, and they keep DYING and messing it up and killing each other time and again... I just love it all. make it hurt, lol), TIME TRAVEL (again, IF DONE RIGHT), ANDROIDS/ROBOTS with self-awareness and feelings,  anything to do with SPACE and travel therein, FOUND FAMILIES!!!

tldr: all of them, but mostly the above.

2. What art and/or craft would you like to pick up but haven’t for whatever reason?

anything I’m into and haven’t picked up is bc I tried it once, wasn’t good at it right away and promptly decided to give up on it, lol but if we’re talking as if I could do it, and do it well - hm.. I guess I’d love to be better at building things from scratch (think furniture, houses, the like) and also engineering abilities... I admire people who can do that shit and make sth cool, even if it’s shitty robots (SIMONE, YOU PERFECT JELLY BEAN - ILY)

3. What is your favourite cold/iced beverage?

there’s this one non-alcoholic cocktail... Mosquito I think? that’s p dope. but if we’re going all basic then it’s prob a tie between vanilla coke and cocoa idk

4. What is your preferred spice level? How hot is too hot for, idk, chili or curry or hot sauce or wasabi?

look, I so pale... I like spicy foods, but my body hates them. and they make my mouth burn and my eyes water and it’s nice when I’m sick, but otherwise I think I’m prob p bland in my choices of spice. the whole stereotype of white ppl and pepper+salt being their only spices doesn’t exist without reason, lol. I wish I could tolerate them more, bc I like chili and curry and loads of pepper, but it just hurts and I’m all about keeping my body (and asthma) on safe levels.

5. Rec me a youtube channel you like. Can be anything. Go on, I know you have a fave.

FUCK!! don’t make me pick, you jerk! I’ll give you a few options, cool? cool!

Kati Morton - for mental health stuff and just having a caring person talk about stuffs Peter Draws - bc he does what he says and he’s a p cool, p weird guy but he also cares about you and wants you to do you, and I dig that. (also his voice is super calming and sometimes I watch his stuff so I can doze off when I’m having a hard time falling asleep) Cooking with Sros // Rural Life (I think that’s where I first started watching her videos) - bc it’s calming to watch her cook super neat dishes that are traditional where she lives (also - sometimes she walks around in her garden and just PICKS STUFF UP bc IT GROWS THERE and I just think that’s the coolest bc you couldn’t even get some of those ingredients here, so like... that’s an entirely different thing I’ll prob never know enough about Simone Giertz - bc she’s awesome and so FUNNY!! and cute and awkward and hella smart, and... before the whole brain tumor thing I would have said I’d love to have a peek around in her brain, but now.. if all goes well she’ll have an actual picture of it to look at, and maybe it’s not cool to be excited for her..?? but yeah, she builds stuff WITH HER OWN TWO HANDS, and she has to know SO MUCH to do it, and just... DAMN CRUSH MATERIAL right there. like, I’m so weak. but also I just want her to have everything. I want her to be able to do to space. fuck

6. Do you keep mementos of old relationships? Why/why not?

HAH! FUCK. I do. have. will? sometimes I ask myself why I keep them and don’t just burn them or whatever (throwing them away wouldn’t be nearly cathartic enough an experience for me), and maybe this is still the grieving part of me that’s looking to haunt itself? idk

all I know is that so far I’ve kept letters. I’ve kept hoodies. and.. idk what I kept out of that one relationship.... can’t remember atm, but that one hurt far too much to keep a lot of reminders around.

7. What sort of music do you put on when you do chores, like dishes or laundry?

my go-to song used to be Eye of the Tiger, but these days it’s mostly podcasts or the music of the mood/day/week (those songs you listen to on repeat for hours after you’ve (re)found them.)

8. Is there any scent you particularly love? Which one?

it used to be musk, like.. those scented burning sticks..(that’s prob not the right English name for them, lol) but I guess... the good rain smell maybe? (not the bad smells-like-snails-and-slugs-and-dead-worms rain smell). also some roses and some paeonies.. I’m picky tho. and forever fave LAVENDER

9. Do you like to cook? What’s your signature dish?

I do, actually. when my kitchen doesn’t look like shit bc my emotional state and therefore life has derailed

and eh.. it’s like a paprika bellpepper tomato soup.. with salami and feta cheese and sometimes corn, sometimes rice, sometimes minced meat. always depends on the mood and what I have lying around. not so much a signature dish as it is what I make most often, mostly for myself. 

10. What’s your fave ice cream flavour that you can’t get in most places?

it’s gained in popularity, but - after-eight. for sure. anything minty with chocolate is amazing to me.

11. What’s your current favourite outfit?

uhm.. I don’t really have favourite outfits, I just have favourite articles of clothing (THEY’RE MY FAVOURITES. THEY’RE ALL MY FAVOURITES. ALL OF THEM) and I tend to mash them together without a care in the world... well, mostly I care about temperatures and sun exposure bc I burn like a crisp in the sun, it’s not pretty.

but lately I’ve been wearing the european tour shirt from the My Favorite Murder live show bc I WAS THERE AND IT WAS THEEEEE SINGULAR BEST THING OF THE YEAR (aside from getting through my final exams). also, I love my old pair of Chucks, the blue leather kind, and the soles are falling apart and it’s all kinds of battered and worn out, but I love them. they make me happy. also there’s some striped black and white socks and some white dotted black underwear and some super comfortable black shorts. but what really is just LOVE still. and prob always. until death do us part - I have this super soft, super floofy, sways around in the wind, lets all the wind through the knitted structures of it, blue-ish, button-able long swishy swooshy ...jacket? apparently it’s called a cardigan, AND YES I HAD TO GOOGLE THAT. I DON’T KNOW THINGS!! JEEZ LOUISE

[yaaahbaekhyun]

WRITER’S BLOCK (1)

Genre: Fluff / Angst / Smut 

Pairing: BaekhyunxOC

Summary: You were an aspiring writer looking for new ideas for your first ever novel. It wasn’t easy as you thought it would be considering the writer’s block you always seem to have. Just when you were on the brink of giving up an inspiration came out of nowhere. An inspiration that goes by the name of “Byun Baekhyun”

A/N: Okay! I know, I still have another Baek story to finish but I just wanted to post this one since it had been in my drafts for a long time lmao I hope y'all support this one as well! And also!!! It’s my first time writing smut so please tell what y’all think hehe 

I REVISED THE SMUT I HOPE Y’ALL LIKE IT! ENJOY!!!

You gulped down your coffee to the last drop. It was your second cup for the night. You were currently seated in front of your study table, fingers lingering on the keys of the laptop. The blank page of the untitled word document glaring at you, mocking you.

You heaved a sigh.

You got out of college 8 months ago. No, you are not a graduate. You decided to drop out 2 months into the school year out of impulse. It wasn’t because you were stupid or anything, it was just because you lack any kind of motivation for studying and plus, you didn’t think you’d need any of what they offer in school for your dream job. You aspire to be a best-selling novelist.

Your parents weren’t against it, but they weren’t really supportive of the idea either. They just let you do what you want since it’s your life. They would sometimes try offering you financial support or ask you to come back home so you would have less expenses but you were a strong independent woman who doesn’t need to live off of her parents money (and truth be told, you were kinda embarrassed and you wanted to prove something to them).

“Ahhhhhh fuck me,” You cursed under your breath. You just wanted to write but this writer’s block always seem to have kept you company. Every time you tried starting on a story, you’d end up clueless on where the storyline was heading so you were always back to square one: and that is struggling to find a solid plot until the wee hours of the night. Who would’ve known your dream would be this hard to attain?

Looking at the clock, you realized that it was already 4 in the morning. You aren’t going to be able to write anything again, you deduced. You needed to rest since tomorrow was Friday. It was your last working day and your shift starts at 9 am. You couldn’t wait for the weekend to roll so you could focus more on your writing (or more like staring at your laptop and and having a mental breakdown).

You recently found work in a coffee shop near your apartment building. It was also near a university which was why it was always flocking with students. The pay was good, it was enough to keep you fed and off the streets. But you weren’t going to settle down with that kind of job. You were going to put Stephen King, J.K Rowling, and John Green to shame! You were gonna go places! But as of now, the only place you can afford is the small gloomy apartment you’re living in.

Taking off your glasses, you stood up from your chair. You almost fell because your legs were numb, like thousands of tiny ants were biting them. This was probably because you spent hours in the same sitting position.

You sighed again.

As you laid down on your bed, thoughts about your life choices entered your mind. You were really contemplating now whether it was a right choice to pursue a writing career. You were just so so close on giving up.

You didn’t get any sleep that night.

“Hey there buttercup, why the long face?” Sehun said when he joined you behind the counter while putting on his apron.

Sehun was your coworker. You take turns on managing the counter and serving customers. You also help each other on kitchen duty. You’ve only known him for 2 months but it felt like you’ve known him for years. When you two met, you just instantly clicked.

Unlike you though, Sehun was only working part time. He was studying Visual Arts in the university near the coffee shop. Sehun didn’t need to work for money, that much you’ve learnt. When you asked why he was working, he told you the sole purpose was to “hone his interpersonal skills”.

He was a really good-looking man, you actually had a crush on him on your first day of work but when you overheard him calling someone “baby” on the phone, you knew he was off limits. He even showed you a picture of his girlfriend. Son Eunbi. Cute petite girl. Short brown hair that falls midway on her long beautiful neckline. She probably has a great personality too, you thought. Sehun even said he’d let you meet her. Next time, you would say.

“I just didn’t get much sleep is all.” You replied, leaving out the part where you couldn’t type in a single sentence on your laptop 5 hours ago.

“How’s writing?” He asked voice sounding genuinely curious.

“Ugh. Don’t even ask.”

“Writer’s block still won’t let up?”

You nodded tiredly and he gave you an apologetic smile.

“Maybe this writing thing isn’t for me.” You said while you continued brewing coffee.

“Maybe I was meant to be a coffee expert. Or a coffee police. Hands in the air! You are selling bad coffee! .....Or something like that.” You jested but half meant it. If it was the you months ago, giving up wouldn’t be an option. But considering your current state, it looks like giving up is the only option.

“Hey don’t say that, sugarplum.” You rolled your eyes playfully at his endearment. He had a knack of calling you these weird nicknames because he finds it amusing.

“I think you just need a little break.” He added, appearing at your side, leaning against the counter.

“Tell you what, there’s going to be a party tomorrow at my friend’s house. He throws the most turnt up parties ever like seriously! The unlimited booze, horny fuckers grinding up against each other, deafening music, and all the made up games just to have an excuse to drink and make out….” He smiled at you.

“And you’re coming with me.”

He didn’t even ask you if you’d want to come, he already decided for you. You chuckled. Typical Sehun.

“Well, I have been so uptight lately.” He nodded in agreement.

“And I do need some kind of relief….” 

“Yeah and this would be a really great way to loosen up. Maybe you’d even find something to write about in the party- Oh! Eunbi will be there too! You’ll finally get to meet her!” He exclaimed looking so excited.

“Alright. This better be a hella turnt up party, Oh Sehun.”

“Don’t worry, hotdog. Jongdae never disappoints.” He winked.

The bells chime as a customer walks in, signaling the start of your busy day.

Saturday came faster than you thought. You finished dolling up and you were just waiting for Sehun to come and get you. You insisted that you’d just arrive on the venue by yourself but being the stubborn Sehun he is, he insisted on going together.

You were checking yourself out in the mirror when your eyes suddenly drifted to your study table, laptop untouched.

You shook your head. No, you were not going to think about that right now. Today is going to be consist of full blown make out sessions with strangers and going home with them, pissed drunk.

“Fuck writing! I’m getting dick tonight!” You said to yourself with new found determination. Just then, there was a knock on your door.

You opened it and was greeted by a very stunning man.

“Wow, you look like someone who’d get laid.” Sehun whistled lowly while he eyed you, a lopsided smirk playing on his lips. “Because that’s what I intend to do, get laid. Now shut up and bring me where the party at, lover boy!” You marched towards the lift.

“Eager, aren’t we?” He chuckled and followed suit.

Sehun’s girlfriend came in to view as you approached his car. She smiled at you and you smiled back with the same warmth she was emitting.

“Hi, you must be Y/N. I heard a lot about you from Sehun.” She said holding out a hand to you.

“And you must be the famous Son Eunbi. I can say the reverse is true, too.” You grinned and shook her hand.

You three chatted for the whole ride. You were already liking Eunbi and it was apparent that she was also growing comfortable with you too.

When you arrived at the house party, everyone was already under the influence of alcohol and blasting music. Everywhere you look, there would be people grinding up against each other, grabbing asses and are just practically fucking in front of your very eyes.

It looked wilder than any party you have been to.

Sehun appeared next to you and put his arm around your shoulder. He took in a deep breath and spoke, “Ahhhhhhh nothing but the smell of drunken regrets……so, what’ya think boobear?” 

“This is going to be so fucking lit.”

You move your way to the kitchen to refill your cup. You have been dancing and making out with almost every boy at the party. Everyone seemed to want to get their hands on you, probably because you’re fresh meat in their eyes.

As you reached the kitchen, Sehun was mixing bright color liquids in his cup. He turned his head towards you and he had a sheepish smile on his face. It was evident that he’s drunk since he was a little red and you knew he wouldn’t drink that if he was in his right state of mind. That drink in his hand screamed “Death”

“Where’s Eunbi?” You asked when you reached him.

“Just chatting with some of her friends.” He shrugged and you nod in understanding.

“How are you feeling?” 

“Never been better! This is a really good way of loosening up. I feel so great!” You beamed at him which caused him to laugh. You were more bouncy and animated than usual, all the alcohol you drank making its way through your system.

As you were filling your cup with who-knows-what, your eyes scanned the living room to look for a new victim.

Your eyes landed on the boy on the couch with a girl sitting on his lap, casually conversing with another boy beside him.

The girl was rubbing circles on his chest sensually and sometimes would even kiss the base of his neck but he didn’t seem to be fazed by it because the conversation they were having didn’t stop.

“Who’s the guy?” You asked Sehun. He followed your line of vision and smirked slyly when he saw who you were looking at.

“Ahhhh that my dear, is the Byun Baekhyun. He’s an art major like me. He’s in some of my classes but I never really talked to the guy, he doesn’t look like someone who’d want casual talk. He’s really famous in school for his art works and his cocky personality. Though I must warn you before you plan on doing anything stupid, Baek’s a huge playboy. Rumor’s had it he even had an orgy with the most popular girls in our school and he was the only boy there.” Sehun chuckled at that and raised his cup. “Salute.”

You digested everything Sehun was saying while you took in Baekhyun’s appearance. His raven black hair was messed perfectly, bed hair but it looked like all the strands stuck out to the right places the moment he got out of bed. He was wearing a silk navy blue button up that was impractically unbuttoned halfway, revealing his smooth chest. He looked like a fucking man whore but he made it look fashion. 

“Typical artistic playboy.” You murmured, taking a swig from your cup.

“I wouldn’t say typical….there’s really more than meets the eye with that guy.” And just as Sehun said the word eye, Baekhyun shifted his gaze in your direction, making eye contact. Your heart skipped a beat but not in the way you want it to.

He was from across the room and the way he was looking left your mouth slightly agape. He had a smug look on his face while he raised his cup to your direction. Coming back to your senses, you did the same. He then returned his attention to the guy he was talking to.

Byun Baekhyun has definitely piqued your interest.

He looked fine as hell and all you wanted in that moment was to be that girl on his lap. You’ve made up your mind. Byun Baekhyun was your next target.

“Hey Sehun! Aren’t you going to introduce me to your cute friend over here?” A guy called out to the tall man sitting beside you. You recognize him as the guy Baekhyun was talking to earlier. You were currently on the couch where they were sitting a while ago. When they left, you and Sehun headed there and Eunbi joined soon after.

“Oh hey! This is Y/N, Y/N this is Jongdae, the one who’s throwing the party.” Sehun said. Jongdae smiled at you cheekily and held out a hand. You took it and he kissed the back of it. You giggled at that which made Sehun gag. 

“Well before I throw up at you guys, I’m gonna dance with my girlfriend now so if you may excuse us.” Sehun said while he stood up, pulling an obviously wasted Eunbi to the dance floor.

“How about you? Wanna dance?” Jongdae offered with a glint of mischief in his eyes. This boy seriously looks like he is always up to no good. You agreed nonetheless, the alcohol in your system deciding for you.

You ended up on the center of the dance floor, your chest pressed up against Jongdae’s considering how a lot of people were dancing as well. You were swaying your body when someone from behind you snaked an arm to your waist which made you turn your head to the side. You would’ve regretted it if you were sober since now your face was so close to Baekhyun’s neck but you were pissed drunk so you were unfazed. You could smell his musky scent that was just luring you to bite him. Looking up you saw that he was staring intently at you. He had eyeliner on which only helped accentuate his fierce gaze. You ended up resting your head on his shoulder shamelessly. He smirked.

“I think I’ll take it from here, Jongdae.” Baekhyun said while he rubbed the side of your waist sensually. You didn’t see the exchange of knowing glances and the silent agreement between the two boys but before Jongdae left, he kissed you on the cheek. “Stay safe, kids!” He shouted over the music and he was gone.

“Baekhyun.” The man who had a hand on your hips introduced.

“I know who you are.” You said and started swaying to the music. He raised a questioning brow but went behind you and started moving in sync with you.

“How so?” He asked half curious and half teasing.

“I might have asked about you a while ago.” You shrugged. You felt his hot breath brush your ear as he leaned forward.

“Well at least now I’m sure I’m not the only one interested.” He chuckled huskily and you pressed your ass a little bit more to his crotch. He held onto your hips firmly as you both grind against one another. “Fuck, Y/N….”  The way your name rolled off his tongue made you shiver. “How do you know my name?”

“I might have asked about you, too.”

It was you who smirked this time as you took your sweet time moving your body in tantalizing waves making Baekhyun more intoxicated than he already was. “How about we take this somewhere more private?”  

“Aren’t you being too forward, Mr. Byun?” You asked breathlessly because damn, Baekhyun sure knew how to work his charm. With the way his body moved with yours and the way his voice lowered an octave was doing magic to you.

“I’m doing us both a favor here, sweetheart. I think we can both agree we want the same thing from each other…so how about we cut the small talk short and get straight to the action?” He growled and bit your earlobe. It was the only encouragement needed when you quickly took his hand and made your way across sweaty bodies to go outside. Everything was happening so fast but the alcohol was making you act without thinking. 

You both gripped onto each other as you stumbled inside your apartment, your sloppy kisses unceasing. He helped you remove your coat and you shrugged it off sighing in content when you felt the cool air hit your skin. 

He helped you with the rest of your clothes until you're only left in your undergarments. "Black lace, huh? Looks like someone really planned on getting laid tonight..." He was eyeing you up and down drinking in your visuals. As an art major and a guy who had slept with tons of women, Baekhyun could say your body was truly a masterpiece. His gaze on you darkened immensely as he imagined ramming himself hard and deep in your tight cunt. The fervor made his imagination run wild as you were both back on each other, making your way to the bed.

Of course, not wanting to be the only one vulnerable, you ripped his button up shirt hastily causing one or two buttons to fly somewhere in the room. He bit your bottom lip harshly which made you hiss. He pushed you a little, "What the fuck? You better fucking pay for this. This is designer." 

You ignored him and continued your assault as you unbuckled his belt, surprisingly enough you skillfully removed it and had his pants off him in no time. He was left as bare as you and you licked your lips when you saw the undeniably big tent straining in his boxer shorts. He raises an eyebrow and looked smugly at you. "Like what you see?" You rolled your eyes. 

"I just hope you fuck fast as much as your smart mouth moves." You retorted. He chuckled as he snaked his arms around your waist. His hot breath fanning your swollen awaiting lips as he whispered, "Oh wouldn't you want to know." 

The kisses you shared were nothing passionate and sweet and you weren't complaining. It was full of tongue action and leaving purplish bruises to remind you the next day of the one night stand you had. You weren't looking for someone who'd make love to you and care for you when you went to the party. You were looking for someone who'd fuck you senselessly until you cum so hard and forget all the thoughts that troubled you. And Baekhyun was more than willing to be that someone. 

He trailed wet kisses down to your cleavage and you arched your back for him to expertly unclasp your bra. He took one nipple in his mouth and skillfully swirled it with his tongue while he played the other with his fingers. You moaned shamelessly, loving the attention he's giving your breasts. You bucked up so his hips would meet yours and he groaned in response. 

Usually, you were into foreplay. But being sexually frustrated for weeks now, you just wanted Baekhyun to be inside you. Your wet pussy was rubbing so sensually with his hard meat and it just felt so good you almost came. "I think now's a good time to fuck my brains out, Baek..." You moaned in his ear. "A girl who knows what she wants..." He trailed off as he immediately flipped you on all fours. "That's fucking sexy." 

His other hand held your upper body down to the mattress while the other was on your side to keep your hips on sticking upwards. He pulled your panties down to your knees and positioned his cock at your entrance. "Ah shit...." You buried your face on the pillow as he entered you not too gently. 

"Oh fuck.....Y/N you feel so good..." He groaned as he started moving his hips, already finding a steady pace. Having Baekhyun inside you felt like you were on cloud nine. His cock made you feel so full and you knew this would be one of the best sex you'd ever have with a stranger. The sexual tension you felt between you two were just shown with every hard thrust he did. He went faster and harder and you just knew you'd be sore tomorrow morning. 

The way he pounded you from behind was just so overwhelming and intense you were having a hard time keeping your hips up. Baekhyun noticed this so he put both of his hands on you hips while he gripped tightly, sure to leave a bruise on your pelvis. 

He hit a certain spot which made you moan his name wantonly as you clenched your pussy more making his thrusts grow erratic. 

"I'm coming..." You panted. 

He reached out a hand to your clit and rubbed furiously. You shouted his name as you came. Baekhyun followed with a load groan as soon as he felt your tight snatch convulsing around his dick. You felt his cum fill you up and you hummed in satisfaction. 

You fell face first on the bed as he pulled out and collapsed beside you. He spoke breathlessly after a few minutes, "You take pills?" 

"I think it's a little too late to ask that but yeah I do." You replied still having your eyes closed. You were still trying to catch your breath when he flipped you on your back and hovered over you. You opened your eyes and was met with his dilated pupils, already feeling something hard nudge on your opening. 

"Then that means we're far from done, sweetheart."

[purplesunsets]

June 12, 2020

I haven’t written anything in a long, long time.

Well, that is if you exclude the one (1) AU prompt that I wrote a few weeks ago. And to be honest, it wasn’t really all that good.

Hello to my (probably) nonexistent audience. It’s Sera again, and I’m here to chat about my absolutely mundane quarantine life.

To start this off, it’s been about two years since I’ve posted anything I’ve written on here. That’s probably because none of the things I write actually deserve to be on this platform for people to see. I mean, who even reads newspaper articles on Tumblr? Not me. Nuh uh.

So, yeah. Here I am. Talking. Typing. Writing. Whatever you call this nonsense. It’s 11:14 PM right now, and I guess I have nothing better to do. I’ve finished most of the fanfiction I downloaded, and I don’t really want to read a 100K word BokuAka fic in the middle of the night.

It’s been around three months since quarantine started, and all I’ve ever done is watch anime, eat, watch more anime, sleep, read, and sleep some more. Sometimes I watch Youtube videos to pass the time, and mostly all I watch are vines and animatics. But on some days, I stumble upon a content creator’s daily-life-in-quarantine video, and I suddenly feel like the most unproductive lazy ass ever.

Not only that, spending an entire day at home means spending an entire day overthinking about my life decisions. Well, not necessarily a whole day, but almost all nights are spent thinking about my future. I absolutely have no idea what to do once I graduate junior high. I certainly have plenty of interests, like writing, drawing, and singing, but let’s be real, not everyone gets lucky when it comes to making money off of art. Besides, when it comes to my hobbies, I’m mediocre at best. And that’s probably because I spend more time moping over the fact that I’ll never reach my highest potential instead of actually trying to reach for my highest potential.

However, there is also the option of making use of my capabilities as a straight-A student. I’m pretty okay at wracking my brain for solutions to math problems, and I actually like listening to our science teacher talk about cells, DNA, and whatnot. But honestly, I don’t think I’ll ever be truly happy in these fields. These careers may make me feel good about myself, but it’s probably only because other people would praise me for being stereotypically smart. And I hate to say it, but I thrive off of praise. It keeps me going. It’s the only remaining thing that makes me not hate myself all that much.

But then again, do I really have a choice?

Well, that’s it for today, I guess. If you made it ‘till here, thank you for taking the time out of your day to listen to me, well, just venting out the thoughts I’ve had for certainly more than three months. See you again soon. Or not.

[mgnemesi]

I dreamed Stucky again, so you get a non-fic

So, the details are running away from me, leaving a strange haze of ~impressions~ and convictions. It’s an AU. Somehow, it reminds me of Planet Hulk but also not. It’s strange. It’s probably some post-apocalypse world, where technology *is* there, but they use it sparingly, and clothes are more reminiscent of a land straight out of a fantasy book. There is some evil person. Of course there is. And there is also, but I learned this slowly as the -uhm- story developed? There’s also this belief that people can bond their souls, and become stronger for it. Of course, it’s all bullshit. …or is it? 

Anyway, people pair up at random and start doing a series of rituals to bond and gain unparalleled strength - because being strong is the only way to survive. There are a lot of fights. Not as much in the streets but in a Coliseum and in fight rings. Fighting gives you prestige, money, fame. Sometimes you HAVE to Fight to be able to put some bread on your dinner table. Sometimes, people Fight because they enjoy the sport of killing. Sometimes, people are kidnapped off the street to offer a spectacle. There was a series of at least 3… Or 4? Rituals to go through to get a proper Bonding.  I remember a tattoo over the heart that matches something of the other person (Steve is the one who gets it). This world also has a lot of magicky stuff so the tattoo had to… This is hard to explain. This world is chock full of physical manifestation of spiritual stuff. A person’s “Destiny” or “Essence” or some other similar thing manifests as a delicate chain. So basically Steve drew something himself (prob Bucky’s eyes or hands or face), picked Bucky’s chain, coiled it over the design, adding to the existing art. And then the drawing kinda… Absorbed the chain and transferred over to Steve’s skin.  Second ritual: the two gems that represent each person’s “Soul” are somehow united/fused/I have no idea together into a single pendant (that Bucky wore on a choker with the pendant nestled in the hollow of his neck)  …and I cannot for the life of me remember the other two. There were more Rocks, though.  I also remember Steve carrying around his mother’s pearls as a powerful remainder and good luck charm, and I remember it helping unexpectedly in the binding but I don’t know how.  The great part of all this, is that most of the ritual stuff *is* bullshit. Rituals hardly, if ever, work, but Fighters perform them anyway and try to convince themselves that they are unbeatable and will live to see another day.

In this complex and deadly world, Steve is a very strong person who loathes Fighting, and managed to Fight only rarely, never to the death,by choice and to protect something or someone. 

Bucky is… Not like that. He also LOATHES Fighting, but he’s good at it, very strong and resilient, so he’s been used and abused his whole life, until he managed to escape and become a Wanderer. 

Neither of them is bonded, because, 1) they’re plenty strong enough and 2) come ON. Bonding? Souls? That will NEVER work, let’s be serious (besides, Steve thinks privately, I wouldn’t use someone for strength. Besides, Bucky thinks, who’d ever want to be saddled with the Soul of someone like me? Besides,they both think, why drag someone with me in this quest to stop the Fighting, when I’m not sure that I… or Them… have a chance to survive? Why would I be so cruel?)  The two of them meet accidentally in their way to the Fighting Coliseum, which they plan to infiltrate and destroy, and then they want to erase the Fighting and completely overthrow the system… The usual “save-the-world” routine. They don’t… Hit it off immediately. There’s not full blown Cap VS the Winter Soldier violence between them, but they are truly NOT bosom buddies. TRULY NOT. 

They bicker and they glare and they close off in sullen silences and pout and sassy one another and discover they’re accidentally and incredibly attuned in everything, not just fighting. They warm up to one another, not even that slowly AND BOND COMPLETELY BY ACCIDENT.  Like, they get noticed during their quest to dismantle the Fighting Rings by whoever runs the Coliseum (Hydra?) and goons come to kidnap them. Bucky’s Chain gets snagged off as he is dragged away by some assailants. Steve panics, and to keep the chain safe he curls it gently and carefully between the pages of his sketchbook, trying not to ruin the delicate, silvery string, coiling it softly with slow concentration… and as soon as he lets the chain go. BOOM! Insta-tattoo. To say he’s stunned is an understatement. SINCE WHEN DOES SOMEONE’S CHAIN DO THAT? DID THIS REALLY HAPPEN? IS THIS PART OF THE RITUAL OMG. He proceeds to go and save Bucky, who honesty didn’t need saving anyway. Steve has no time to explain about the chain when they meet up, because they have enemies to fight off. They’re being overwhelmed. Steve is down and about to get killed and Bucky, in some fit of helpless rage, presses his palm to Steve’s Soul Stone, in such a way they it comes into contact with his own, too, even if it’s not deliberate. Blood and sweat is running between their skin and their Stones, and desperately, with his teeth gritted as he braces for the end, he thinks: “Save Steve! Save Steve! I don’t care if I die here in the bloody dirt like a dog but Steve deserves to live!” And BOOM! Insta-joining of the Soul Gems and a surge of power for Steve, who fights off the goons pinning him.  They end up thrown inside the Coliseum anyway, where they bicker and sass each other some more… Even as they care for each other’s wounds, washing and bandaging them with slow, careful hands, heads bent close enough their eyelashes are touching. They complete (again, by TOTAL accident, the two dorks) the rest of the Ritual and THEY DON’T EVEN REALISE IT, OMG. My dream ended with the two of them gearing up to Fight in the Coliseum. Steve had his shield at this point, which maybe was a physical manifestation of the Bond. Schmidt (I think he was either the Head of the Coliseum, or the Champion… Or both. Both work too, but I can’t imagine who he’s Bonded with. UNLESS HE USES SOME KIND OF DARK MAGIC DISGUISED AS THE BOND, AND HE PICKS UP RANDOM PEOPLE TO USE AS “BATTERIES” WHEN HE FIGHTS, PEOPLE WHO GET DRAINED AND DIE AFTER EACH ROUND. This works, too. Maybe that’s what most Hydra Fighters do, and that is why Steve wants so bad to destroy them and stop the Fighting) Schmidt, like I was saying, is gleefully waiting for them to get in the arena, because he’s looking forward to properly crush the fools who dared to try and overthrow Hydra. Steve is all leap-into-fight-first-I’ll-think-about-strategy-later-if-ever, whereas Bucky is burning with righteous fury and takes the time to prepare himself (I don’t wanna say long bath and oils but. Uh…), to wear ALL HIS ARMOUR, STEVE YOU FOOL, to prepare and wear his weapons… And also to wear all the physical manifestation of the bond, so not just the choker but at least another trinket and… I think the Arm is a result of the bond, too. Steve is on his way to get his ass handed to him, but Bucky swoops in and saves the day. However it happens, I’m sure they win, anyway (UNLIKE Planet Hulk… I’ll NEVER be over THAT ending). As for the reason why they bonded so effortlessly and actually DID get stronger, unlike many others: the Bonding ritual is NOT bullshit, but it’s a commitment based on compatibility and strong feelings. You have to build up to it. You can’t just stitch two souls grueling together and cross your fingers for the best. It’s basically a slight twist were soulmates do exist, but it’s not all so “inevitable”.   Happily Never After is NOT optional, here.  I can so see them kissing for the first time after their last Fight… Surrounded by a cheering crowd… All bloody and sweaty, with mussed hair and torn clothes… And perhaps they “collected” the Avengers along the way, or the Howling Commandos, and there is this Resistance who storms the Coliseum while Steve and Bucky fight and kill Schmidt… And then Tony, Nat, Sam, and all are there to witness the kiss and cheer (and betting money is exchanged. Just saying) I don’t know if later they keep up their life as wandering heroes or if they settle down and are pushed into becoming, like, King Rogers and King Barnes *rotfl*. I like both.

[nomadmanager]

ACT 5: Loneliness & Liberation– A 2017 Review and 2018 Preview

Illustration: Liberation by Laura Berger

Let me pick up where I left off after Acts 1-4, where I left saying that I was on a fierce mission to move on.

From July to August, I spent a month traveling solo through Negros and Cebu, trying to re-figure out my next moves, after one option had been so definitively closed for me. I sought solace in the sea and company.

I was at a crossroads of whether give up or keep going. And with each choice, I had another set of choices to choose from.

Choice – it’s a paralyzing thing in life. Choosing between options can oftentimes make us feel stuck, not wanting to make a choice one way or another because of the fear that we would be choosing the wrong one. And so oftentimes, we postpone making the decision. 

What happens then is a long drawn out limbo of being neither here nor there, and ultimately, not getting any shit done, or doing a half-assed thing at best. But the only way to move forward is to make a choice, and let go of the choice not taken. 

Life is one never-ending Choose Your Own Adventure book. And sometimes, it can be pretty tiring. Can’t I just get a nice fiction book with amazing cover art, a strong heroine and happy ending? Plot twist not necessary.

Yeah, yeah, but where’s the fun in that right?

So anyway, at the beginning of my trip, I was feeling good, mildly hopeful, and generally just happy to be “away”. Though at a certain point of my trip, at a moment when I was most alone and isolated, the loneliness began to creep back in.

For a long time, even after I had gotten back, this feeling of loneliness wouldn’t leave me.

I would busy myself with work – creating MUNI Meetups on Zero Waste, doing consultancy for a social enterprise, and going on corporate speaking engagements on conscious consumption / zero waste living – as it was the only thing that reasonably gave me meaning.

I would spend time with friends – and in the past two months, probably going out and consuming more alcohol than I have in the past few years. (This is more indicative of how little I would go on a “night out” before, rather than it is an indication of how many cocktails I’ve had in November and December LOL.)

I would chat with people who would give me their time. And I would go out on a few un-horrible, although ultimately lackluster dates.

And then there were always those brief moments in the day, in between all the pseudo-busy-ness, that the cracks in the armor of strength & self-love that I was trying to forge would show.

I wish I could say that something miraculous had happened in the past six months that has both erased all the residual heartbreak and given me a eureka moment, so vivid and unquestionable, about what to do with my life and work. But no, there has not been a single moment.

However, life (and change) is a series of moments. Deliberate moments, deliberate choices that we make moment to moment. To choose myself, to choose to trust - in my own strength and abilities, in my being worthy of success and happiness, in the commitment of others to help me and love me. I knowingly gave into indulgences, but especially in this last week, I’ve also knowingly made more choices to make myself stronger for my upcoming Jesus year (turning 33 in 2018).

In my prior year-end review/previews, I would outline how I fared with the goals I had set the year before, and outline the goals I wish to make for the year moving forward.

Given though that I hadn’t clearly written my 2017 goals in a blog post like I had done so in the past, what I can do is look back, and see what I’m happy about / grateful for in the past year that proves it’s not nearly as shitty as my melodramatic self might sometimes think.

My mom’s health

Putting together some kickass MUNI Meetups on Zero Waste Living, and giving talks in corporate settings, making genuine, authentic business connections, and actually making money from them

My solo travel through the Visayas – Meeting up with my friend Mishi, Chin, the Gastons, going to Danjugan and meeting Dave, slooooooow traveling from Negros to Cebu, going to Hale Manna, meeting up with Angie – and being so inspired by the whole trip that I decided to go out on a limb and create MUNI Travels

Working out of paradise – El Nido for 6 weeks (though it felt more like hell than paradise while I was there HAHA, I am still ultimately grateful for the experience and opportunity and new friends) :)

Making an awesome new friend in Denise Subido, and our few but awesome hangs with THE Ken Alonso

Learning more about beverages (thanks Bayani Brew), cocktails and alcohol (thanks Ken), and hitting up some cool spotsss (thanks Den)

Then learning to cut back after realizing I was spending way too much time and money on that (but still happy about having better knowledge and awareness about mah dranks)

Having the resolve to give a scholarship application another shot (law of attraction, come on, mag-two years na)

Crystals (lol)

Given a review of previous year-end entries, I found it somewhat discouraging that I would put some goals out there (with the intention of holding myself more accountable by announcing it) and then not really be able to see them through. But I guess what I fail to see when I think that, is that I still managed to accomplish some of my goals, and that in failing to reach the other ones, I still made headway in the process.

Sometimes, things happen that throw us off course for a little bit, but I’m learning to stop with the self-deprecation, forgive myself, cut myself some slack, and move forward.

So, for 2018, here’s are my broader goals for public consumption so far:

Make more moneyyy – by doing more MUNI Meetups and corporate engagements – still in the works, and plans with them are still malleable so I don’t want to set specific goals (though I have a monthly figure in my head), but I’ve spent enough years running away from the serious adulting of making more money while pursuing something meaningful. It is meaningful when it is sustainable, and it is sustainable if it makes money to support itself.

Be a bad ass swimmer (NOT Olympic levels okay?? Just on a personal level bad ass) – I’ve already signed up for swim classes with Swim Academy this January, with the intention of having formal instruction and better form after over 4 years of just teaching myself how to swim. And also as a way to gear myself up to join the VIP Lobo 2.5km Open Water Swim with Swim Junkie (after being so inspired when I helped out with their swim in El Nido) – I haven’t had enough courage to sign up for the swim yet, though I tell myself it’s because I haven’t figured out accommodations and don’t want to spend too much when I stay over.

Take up masters in environmental / social psychology – One of my previous coach-confidantes told me I was overly concerned with the academic credential and I didn’t need it. But 1.5 years later, I’m still thinking about it, and I don’t want to give up without a fight? If plan A falls through, I have a plan B. Bottomline is, I want to better understand and share knowledge and research about how we can best brainwash people for their well-being and the good of the planet.

Empower others to be carry forth the MUNI mission – Been saying this for a while now, but I’ve not been able to put the structures into place, perhaps due to laziness / lack of prioritization, but perhaps also largely because I didn’t want to relinquish control as well. In light of the intention to study and do other things with MUNI, the only way for me to sustain and grow it is by really involving others. So far, I’ve still had a lack of people stepping up to the plate, but perhaps I’ve also not done a very good job of making the plate more apparent and appealing thus far. I’m hoping to put the structures in place and take a leap and grow the regular working team from just me, to me and 2 other people.

Come out of my shell / step into the light more – Maybe it’s finally the year for a vlog? LOL. I’ve already started the transition of “getting out of my shell” by getting another domain for more professional purposes, instead of always hiding behind the pseudonym Nomad Manager (though everyone knows it’s really me anyway) since 2009. I’ve also changed my name in my major social media accounts, changing them from nomadmanager to jenhorn_ or whatever other iteration of my real name was still available on the platform. Though it’s annoying that I won’t have a straight up jenhorn across all platforms, I’ve found it pleasantly liberating to embrace myself more fully in this way. Besides, what does Nomad Manager mean to me now anyway? Even though I like my freedom, a “nomad” (to me, now vs. how I meant it before) indicates homelessness / lostness, and I want more foundation and certainty in my life now. And I want to feel “home” wherever I am, in that I know what the hell I’m doing vs. aimlessly meandering about. And “manager”, honestly, I don’t want to manage people. I want to maybe encourage, facilitate learning, coach, share insights, inspire, brainwash, but I don’t want to manage people. 

“There is love in holding, and there is love in letting go.” – Elizabeth Berg

So, I guess that also means this may be my last real blog post here as I move on with a new chapter. (Though I’m still thinking about what I’ll do with my Letters to Self tradition here, and what content I’m comfortable sharing in my new domain.)

And again, life, you think you’re funny sometimes and like to throw curveballs from nowhere and mess up my plans. But I’ll make do. I’ll play what you’ll deal. So, up yours if you think you’ll completely throw me off. I may have to adjust, change and pivot, but I’ll keep on keeping on.

To brighter days ahead, Jen 

[bostonbun-blog1]

it’s been tough year

Anxiety turning into panic attacks.  Debilitating depression.  Being backed up against the wall, hands tied with tricky decisions.  Fights and bickering with the beau and family.  Not knowing how to be an adult or be strong enough to handle life when it reaches boiling point.  No confidence.  Low morale.  Non existent self esteem.  Obligations and responsibility when I just want to sleep and hide until it all goes away.

It’s all so exhausting. 

And I wish I could contrast it with also positive occurrences this year but the ratio is too damn small.

This year was supposed to be a lot different, like I mean A LOT - 100 times more of a northward direction than the south it actually plummeted to...and I had the attitude to make sure of that at the time.  I really thought I had the strength, but as it goes, I was holding water in a leaking tank I hadn’t patched up properly.

I was super motivated since I knew I could lose weight properly and consistently, since after 20-odd years of wanting to, I finally got off my ass to do it and partially succeeded last year.  I did drop the ball thanks to a new life venture, perhaps for another post, but I had motivation at the beginning of 2017.

I’m really amazed at how hard I got blindsided.

Early January I was set to return to New Zealand from my holiday in Australia and shake things up and go hard.  At the airport, I got picked up by Beau and there was another little bundle of joy in the back seat.  He got me a puppy as a Christmas/New Year/Birthday present, but I didn’t know this until I saw puppers in his little tub in the back seat.

It was love at first sight but in deciding to keep him, it was to be the end of my progressive year and the beginning of my downward spiral into oblivion.

C e r t a i n l y there is no better advice than that which RuPaul reminds us after every episode of Drag Race:

If you can’t love yourself, how in the hell you gonna love somebody else?

And whilst always wanting a dog, it took someone getting me a dog to realise why I even wanted one.  I’ll keep it real right now.  I didn’t actually want one.

I just wasn’t in the headspace to look after something, and that realisation hit me like an atom bomb.  I felt something close to what I can only think was post natal depression.  And no disrespect to those who’ve suffered with it or by it.

Every time I had a thought of independence, like I would go to the gym for a good few hours or I’d go and get my shopping done and meal prep today, I would remember I had a dog to look after, a puppy nonetheless.  And that’s not even my serious responsibilities like work. 

As much as this cute little thing stumbled around, with his teeny body and rolls of extra skin, I was and/or am certainly still well and truly horribly selfish.  I say horribly because of the tension I get and spikes that come out of my back when I had to think about taking care of something else rather than myself.

This year was supposed to be my year.  The year I finally look after myself and put me first above all.  I had not done this in 24 years of living and I was tired of other’s affecting my self-esteem.  I needed to be the person who affected my self-esteem. 

Beau took it upon himself to stay over a lot too, and did he help?  Not as well as he could have.  And there I was, feeling like I had to take care of two babies.  January was intense, to say the least.

The puppy was only three months old.  I had known about the whole “keeping him off the ground until vaccinated” thing so I had a month of full-time care of this wee baby before I could vaccinate him and then he’d be a bit more transportable. Problem is, I was due to go back to work in a week’s time. 

Now, not that I don’t mind an extended vacation, but I took a week’s more leave to look after lil man and figure out what the hell to do.  Beau followed in suit, stupidly, taking an unauthorised week of leave without our team leader’s knowledge.  What the hell was going on?

So here is a lesson: Be Vocal.  Him hanging around was a grievance to me as I just needed my me time with this dog.  I did not need another body there to make me expect help but ultimately not get it.  Of course, it’s on me, I don’t begrudge him of not knowing what I needed, he’s young and I’m not the type to ask.  But if ever is the time to learn, this would have been it. 

I learned .5% of this lesson, I guess, and erupted in hysterics exclaiming my thoughts...it was probably our first-ever intense argument.  I blamed Beau a lot at the start.  This puppy was the last thing I needed.  And if he was going to stay over for weeks on end, at least be decent enough to tidy the room or clean up after the dog. 

The dust settled and my point was somewhat able to be seen, and he did try and help from then on.

I was at my wit’s end still, running on unresolved anger and victimisation.  Then came the time to tell my mother.

Her, her husband and I were renting and a lot of landlord’s are strict against pets over here in NZ.  I really liked our landlords though, and I knew they would be super nice about it but would prefer it not be a permanent situation.  This suited me fine because at the time, I was fully set on moving back to Australia.

No one knew this but me at the time, Beau included (let’s leave that for another pos) and all I needed was to get the puppy flyable then I would be out of everyone’s hair and everybody would be out of mine.

I got the all clear from the landlords and funnily enough, they were 110% more helpful than my mother and step-father.  The apple doesn’t fall too far from the tree let’s just say that.

My mother reacted more surprisingly than I thought.  She loves dogs, but...she didn’t like my one???  I saw a new side to everything and everyone and this only served as a reminder that sometimes you are better off by yourself.

She insisted I should re-home him and was counting on the landlord’s turning into some reckoning force against puppy that I should feel shame and ultimately find another place for him.

I saw right through this confusing turn of behaviour and told her I had the landlord’s permission to stay until I was ready to leave.

She had given me spiel after spiel about how I shouldn’t do this or that, how I shouldn't keep this dog and what I should do (not what I want to do) that it just felt like it had nothing to do with my issues anymore and was more about hers.

Our place of rent was expensive, no doubt.  It was okay with us three, but should one drop off at all, there was only two options for the remaining: move out or get someone to subsidise.  Mum and I aren’t all-loving just yet and we keep our circles tight and never-expanding so of course, the best option is to search for a smaller place. 

I adorn my pessimist hat in this instance; my mother has not gotten over her compulsive need to keep moving house (a compulsion which stems no doubt from childhood).  This dog and all this drama around him just served as the perfect excuse to pack up and move out yet again for the umpteenth time.  Of course, she would never admit to this.  She’s still got a few demons to slay but I hope she gets there.

Since she was not helping me, I may have been petty in what kindness I showed when handling the situation.  I was juggling with the idea of moving anyway, the plan for me would be to wait until I could fly puppy over and say so long farewell to this beautiful country and back to the one I had left that fateful 2013.

I was already over a lot of the things here that nothing was concrete enough for me to stay.  I had learnt what I needed to from the move to NZ and the years since, that it was time to go back to my second home, Melbourne. 

I would only need two or three months tops.  In that time, mum and husband could peacefully move to a smaller more affordable house and all would be well in the land.  She had been complaining about the rent anyway and brought up moving a lot before this so I figured, piece of cake.

But...when you have a Mum such as mine, you never get the last laugh.

She beat me to the flag, finding another place to move to in record time and disclosing this information so nonchalantly that I actually felt betrayed.  I felt a bit foolish for trusting that she would become more like my supportive and loving Dad but alas, I’m always the fool.

What’s more, I didn’t have any time to go over a backup plan of sorts.  I had about four weeks from then on to make something happen.  Minimal savings and money for any kind of bond to move out. 

Heck, I would even be living on my own and paying the full rent for the last couple of weeks courtesy of them moving out and letting me be the storage until they had sussed themselves out.

I don’t know if my hurt is justified, I just know that there is a better way that you can help others, especially family.  Helping someone is not moving out and leaving them on their own.  Helping someone is not punitive measures because of a harmless choice they make.

To anyone who isn’t me, that is someone who is confident, skilled in the art of getting what they need to get done, they would have probably not been as mortified by the ticking countdown.  For me it hit really hard.  So hard that my dad sensed it and came over for the weekend to comfort me. 

With my mother, I switched off any connection I had that was loving.  It has been postponed to a later time when I have found happiness and consistently felt happiness and accomplishment “by my own-self”, as she would say. 

As of now, she starts the conversations but I am too far gone down the road of jadedness that I’ve yet to reciprocate her reaches of concern.  Of course that pessimist hat of mine tells me she’s just doing it out of guilt.

She justified her abrupt moving out with the old-fashioned favourite excuse of having no choice.  Let me debunk this lie.  I have a dog, I know I don’t make it any easier on myself by keeping him but I choose this path and as any parent I thought should be supportive, I thought she would help me even by giving me time to find a place.  The chances to find a place that would allow dogs is slim but at least I would have had more time.

There is literally no excuse for leaving me out to dry. 

If she couldn’t let me go because, finally, she had her daughter back under her wing, then she really chose a wicked send off.

Before I even go further, back track up to about midway in this shit storm.  My fellow house dwellers decided it would be a great idea to voice their anger through a message to Beau.  Someone who, whilst yes he got me the puppy, wasn’t the one who decided I keep it.  So anything after that airport pick up is on me.  But people have big pointing fingers that itch to be scratched and they put on a blindfold and go on a rampage but never end up at a mirror.

Beau did not take this well, and rightly so. I mean my step-dad was one to talk.  I’m pretty sure my mother paid a greater portion more of rent than he did.  So he didn’t have a leg to stand on when he decided to threaten Beau for literally no reason.  His message achieved nothing and helped no one.  It only served to add vinegar to a baking soda volcano.

I’m a pacifist.  I don’t agree with the messages, and I accept someone has every right to feel angry but I don’t condone payback through hurt or damaging someone’s things.  This opened a great divide in our team - how differently we reacted to things.

Beau and I’s second biggest fight followed, and was mostly me trying to stop him from physically doing something to the property as a reply to that message.

I was over it all.  I just wanted to do my own thing, wait however long I needed to and get me and this puppy out of here.  I was feeling this physically as well. 

I’ve ballooned to my heaviest weight to date, my chest is tight and my breathing is always shallow.  Back then I would feel so overcome with sadness and just want to cry all the damn time.

Stress is the joker of all demons isn’t it.  It has the sickest humour.

But you know, I found resilience with my emotions.  I held on to a solid timetable and plan that I had cooked up by some miracle despite this feud now with the parentals and Beau going on beside me. 

Bless the heavens that my uncle had been crashing in the spare bedroom and personally was really good with dogs.  He was able to look after the dog when I was at work until I could get him vaccinated and complete the next phase. 

When the parentals moved out completely, I was on my own for about three weeks to almost a month.  It was the best taste of freedom in a long time.  I don’t even care if it ate my whole pay and then some, that peace and quiet was priceless. 

Uncle had moved out by this point since he basically had the ultimatum of paying half the rent or moving out.  He chose the latter.  But I had a very nice lady come to mind the puppy while I was at work so things were okay.

My first week was sloppy, I’ll admit.  I had full rubbish bins from missing the bin days, dirty dishes and overgrown grass, the place was starting to reflect my inner-psyche.  I just had no clue how to adult and spent a lot of time sleeping and playing with puppy. 

The beratement didn’t end either.  I got shook, by fears that the landlords were unimpressed by the house and were looking to get me out sooner.  These were my mother’s words.  So I texted them pleading for more time and they said, “No problem.”  As if they didn’t even threat such a thing.  The distance between Mother and I then became infinite.  Why was that shake up even necessary?

I pulled my head out of my ass and I cleaned the house so good.  I had no idea how to turn on a lawnmower but I got help and I did it and the house looked amazing and continued to do so.  Fear is a good motivator, true, but so is pettiness.  Which I shouldn’t condone, but you might just get some self-respect points along the way, which I feel I managed to do. 

I wasn’t fearful in a big empty house now. I was determined to defend it if trouble came knocking.  It was good to understand what it takes to feel good about yourself by taking care of things that might not necessarily be yourself.  It takes action.  You gotta do what you gotta do for whoever you gotta do it for.

I’m in a situation that could be better, obviously.  I could make it better, if I had the skills and the confidence.  I wasn’t built up, if at all, in childhood but I should remember to be proud of what I have built myself up to when the reigns of my own life were given back to me so unceremoniously.

I wasn’t able to find a place of my own by the time the move date arrived, so I had to move in with my brother and his family.  The house is owned by our aunty.  I might as well have moved into the rubbish tip, that’s how disgusting this place was kept....no offence to their lovely natures. 

I was about to go crazy once again, I could feel it.  I was limited to a room, picked and poked by the four young children.  I would come home to find their toys scattered around my room.  The dog would be too hyper because of the kids and it was just all coming down to another visit to “I hate where I am right now” town.

Sporadically I would stay with Beau, and that made for a much calmer, quieter, low-key room to nest in and ultimately I’ve made the move here until further notice.  It isn’t the most ideal situation but it’s the better of the two. 

I haven’t been able to bounce back as well as maybe most can.  I am content though, enough to hold on to hope (the one thing that makes me think “Oh it won’t be this bad for much longer, surely”) and faith; faith in myself because I know I deserve better than what ever bad decides to come at me and I have it in me to at least try. 

Big actions or small actions, as long as the momentum keeps forward.  Like rock climbing but only grabbing on to the positive grips.  I’m quite proud of that analogy lol

This year has been a tough year indeed. 

But through the glorious blaze, it has taught me how much I need to love myself and how much I’ve yet to go.  How through action there will be change.  How things aren’t so bad as what my anxiety falsifies them to be. 

That I can do whatever I have to do when I have to do it, and when I don’t know how, ask someone who does know and learn how.

I’m really anticipating a bigger and better 2018 and perhaps in these approaching four months I can get a little foundation formed. 

Healthier habits to put in place and some well-spent time towards things that will better my future.  With enjoyment along the way, in passions and hobbies, and hopefully connection with others to share stories and experiences.  

That sounds for an exciting journey ahead. I can’t wait.