#sometimes i remember this but sometimes i dont realize i dont always need to justify myself to people who misunderstand me until ive alread | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

guiltedlily · 2 years ago

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1.18.23

7.37pm

the word “villian” has been dancing around my thoughts for weeks now. ive watched so many people in my life become the villain yet ive always tried to stay “good”. i have this urge to let myself go, not be self-destructive, the exact opposite of that. i want to be able to feel myself as my own person and not the dumbed down idea of somebody everybody sees as a kid because i deserve that. it feels like im the villain for that when in reality im standing up for myself.

i joke about a “villain arc” as if i havent watched others crumble around me and become the real villain. even if it wasnt technically real, i still remember their actions piece by piece. i remember being called the bad guy for being childish and destructive because i had nothing else. not that it was necessarily right, but of all people, me? i watched communitites, nations, rise and fall by a handful of people, i realized that the people i trusted werent moral, i had my world shattered in front of me so many times over. im not asking to be coddled for that, but it makes me wonder why i stuck out as a villain to some

its so freeing to let myself exist without feeling like i have to water myself down but its scary sometimes. for my entire life, ive been known as the dumb kid who feels things too much and too hard. for my entire life ive been treated as a child when i was cheated out of the chance to actually be one. i convinced myself it was “healing” but i was being pushed back further. in all honesty, i feel emotionally stunted in a way. all those years of being treated and seen as a child make me feel as though i need to behave like one, like i dont understand anything and need somebody to cling onto. ive spent years clinging onto others and i have lost them every single time.

im allowed to be my own person and i do not need somebody to define that for me

thats the single biggest thing ive had to face with.. all of this. lose everybody, gain myself. i cant live in the shadows of everybody else forever and i needed to realize that. i allowed myself to be pushed into boxes and constrained because god forbid im anybody but who others want me to be. i dont think its much of a coincidence that i only started seriously considering my gender once i wasnt under the influence of other people in my life and appeasing them. my gender is just a small portion of my identity that id repressed; there are still parts of the stupid kid that remain inside me, but im trying to take charge and allow myself to be better than that and really grow

i still think a lot about the times id broken down in front of people. i dont know if “regret” is the right word, but it terrifies me. id spent how long having my emotions used against me, and the moment i get comfortable expressing them more freely, im back at square one. a part of me would like to believe that they wont do that; itd be awful to use somebodys trauma and breakdowns against them, right? im forced to look back at my brother and remember the person he is. im forced to realize that maybe he wont always have a soft spot for me, that maybe me speaking out made him turn on me. it shatters my heart to consider but its unfortunately something i need to be aware of

i can tell myself time and time again “he had some sort of reasoning to prod at people the way he did”, but did he? all because he percieved these people as “bad” and considered himself any better. time and time again, i have to realize that im not a stranger to familial wrath. i would believe he could justify anything he does, and thats horrifying in a sense. does it give you a sense of gratification to jab your finger into peoples trauma, or do you only care when it becomes a threat to those you supposedly care about?

when i think about people, my mind is cluttered with questions to them. im perpetually curious and its never quite quenched. i could fill a notebook of questions that i will never ask and i know i will never receive that closure. i could know every single thing about their thought processes but it wouldnt heal

8.20pm

#journaling #original post

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marinetteplztakeabreak · 3 years ago

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I need to share soft sign language buddies ninogami headcanon because they’re taking over my brain always:

(This got so long, so youre welcome if youre also starved for ninogami content)

Nino’s mom is Deaf , so he grew up signing as much as speaking. When he was younger he always signed as he talked.

It turned out he’s also Hard of Hearing, so sign language is way easier for him to understand most of the time.

However, though he’s great at making friends, he’s very awkward when it comes to talking about himself. So never comes up in conversation.

It’s not a self-deprication issue. It’s just a “thinking of things to say is hard and I’d rather have someone else do the talking” thing. He’d rather talk about anyone except himself.

Additionally! He’s great at helping other people, but he’s terrible at asking for help. He does not EVER want to be like “hey i cant understand what you’re saying, my ears dont work great,” its his worst nightmare

And it doesnt help that there have been a few cases of people being rude about it when he doesnt hear them after they repeat themselves. And possibly worse, there have been even more cases of people giving over-the-top apologies instead of just,, telling him what they said. So it’s not worth the trouble in his mind

with his few close friends who still dont know, it feels like its too late and it’d be awkward to bring it up, so he just… doesnt. He’s procrastinating on telling them he cant hear them

He stopped signing as much as he talked in middle school because strangers would always be like “woah thats so cool, how do you know sign language” and he’d just panic because he was an awkward tween, and he didnt know if he was comfortable telling them he was HoH, but ALSO just saying his mom was Deaf and not mentioning himself felt like directly lying by hiding information, so he just took the “lazy” way out and signed less in public.

Sometimes fighting the anxiety was not worth it so he just let it win in that case.

Nino is so nice and energetic and loves people, but he is way more introverted and anxious than his friends think.

But when they start to get closer, Kagami who is ever-observant, notices him signing a little bit, (not ever to her, not ever on purpose, but he’d sometimes sign a word he needed to remember while speaking or sign along to emphasize something)

and she luckily for his anxiety, she doesnt know how to have a normal conversation either.

Her (platonic as well as romantic) love language is studying and research, and Nino seems very cool and she likes him, even if she is awful at holding a conversation with him or doing anything to show it.

She thinks he’s so cool and such an amazing talented kind friend. She has so much love for him that she doesnt know what to do with it. So she channels that energy into learning to sign through the internet and whatever tools she can find

And then after a while of this, she’s like “oh no, he’s gonna think that’s so creepy, I cant tell him I know sign language or he’ll be so uncomfortable”

So, like a whole idiot, she hides that she’s learning sign language from anyone. Because OBVIOUSLY if word got back to Nino, he’d assume it was because of him and that she was a weirdo he shouldn’t be friends with

But also Kagami accidentally falls in love with sign language because she has undiagnosed autism. She always assumed that communicating was just going to be impossible no matter what, but as she gets proficient in sign language she’s like,,, oh,,, OH,, this is very nice

Even just signing while she talks makes it so much easier to keep words and sentances straight, but she only does it when she’s alone with her mother, who is literally blind and would never know.

They become closer friends in late high school, and by that time a lot of Nino’s anxiety has worn off and he’s become completely comfortable letting teachers know when he needs to hear somthing, and middle school feels like a distant dream

At some point, Nino invites Kagami to his house a few times, and he signs with his mom. Nino is like “I can interpret for you,” and Kagami is like “wow thanks, I’m so lucky, because I obviously do not know any sign language, why would I have learned it, and also for the record it is brand new information to me that you can sign,” and Nino is like “cool? Its not a secret but im glad i told you if you somehow didnt already know,” and Kagami is like, “yep :)”

But then eventually as they become really close, they are texting one night, (Kagami can still barely get out of her house, so they need to communicate remotely. And both of then HATE phone calls bc its so hard to understand whats happening, but neither of them have admitted this to anyone)

Nino admits that he likes using sign language better than talking, and he wishes he could use it with his friends, but he’d feel so guilty asking them to learn an entire language just to make him slightly more comfortable. He can talk and hear OKAY so he shouldnt put the pressure on them.

and Kagami is like “you could always ask, worst case scenerio they say no, and i dont think thats an unreasonable demand” and nino is like “it is though,” and kagami’s like “ok so haha funny story, please dont hate me” and nino is like, “…what.” And kagami confesses everything and nino is like “why… why would i hate you for that?” And Kagami is like “oh wait youre right im stupid,”

And then Nino’s also like “hey if YOURE more comfortable signing too, then why dont YOU ask your friends to sign for you. Do you see what i mean? It’s hard to ask-” and kagami is like, “as your friend i will prove it is not.”

So then Kagami ends up confronting Adrien and Marinette the next day and is like “Hi. This is a sign language dictionary. Learn from it.” And they’re both like “what?” And she’s like “oh wait sorry. Backing up. I’m autistic. I decided like three years ago. Forgot to tell you. And I need you to learn to sign a little bit so you can understand if i sign something at you. If you want, of course. Please :D.” And theyre like “ok sure yeah i can do that.”

(Theyve already learned and accepted that shes extremely direct in asking for things)

So then she texts nino and is like “i did it. Youre welcome.”

But anyway both of them are uncomfortable in crowds and parties: Nino cant hear anyone and Kagami tends to get sensory overload, so they start signing mostly in those situations, and then it starts to sink in that they’re allowed to sign whenever and that the other really IS also comfortable with it.

(Both of them are much more willing to make sacrifices for others than to try something new and intimidating for themself, so this is the perfect situation to trick them into getting out of their comfort zone, ironically by trying to be more comfortable in the long run)

so they will just sit together and hang out and have long conversations while just chilling somewhere in a park or at cafes or whatever. Both of them become chattier than they’ve ever been because talking and understanding is so much easier, and its addicting

And their close friends all become proficient enough in sign language to have simple conversations.

But also Nino and Kagami start sitting together automatically even in group hangouts, and they start hanging out more with just the two of them, and soon neither of them feel bad about asking to hang out in quieter places, because they can justify it knowing that it will also help the other one, and together that makes both of them also more comfortable asking for little accomodations from other friends, if only to prove to the other that they can do it too.

And Kagami has the lesser-known autism side effect where she makes WAY TOO MUCH eye contact. She’s aware of it but that doesnt make it go away. Normally she feels so awkward about it, and overthinks her gaze because she doesnt want to scare people away. But when signing, you literally HAVE to be watching the other person constantly, so she has an excuse to just be herself, and its so relieving

(and also its kind of fun to look at Nino anyway because he can get so animated and his smile is really nice and oh no she is in love a little bit)

And Nino always struggles because he emotionally ALWAYS needs to be the nice polite one. His anxiety sometimes gets the better of him and he’s constantly worried about sending the wrong signals to his friends and coming off as rude somehow. But with Kagami, he can literally just ask?? And she will tell him her honest opinion without making it weird. And its so comfy and so good and he really loves hearing her unfiltered opinions on so many things because she sees the world in such a unique way and she gets so passionate about such little things and then oh no, he is fallen for her before he can realize it

And they also learn that they’re both artists, they both love to just observe the world because even if they;re awkward, people are actually pretty great most of the time, and its fun to observe them and try to capture the world, and they just sit together and sketch, or they watch each other sketch, and the thing is, both of them draw ONLY FOR THEMSELVES, its not a ‘skill,’ and they don;t want it to be, its just private art for relaxation. Somehow, though, its okay if they share their art with each other. They can just sit in comfortable silence for hours while one of them sketches something and the other watches patiently

And they start to get more comfortable with one of their heads resting on the other’s shoulder as they watch them doodle, and sitting so close their legs press together, and soon enough their hands start brushing against each other’s as they walk next to each other and then all of a sudden they’re casually holding hands whenever they’re not signing because it’s nice

They try to share headphones so Nino can share some of his favorite songs and his compositions with Kagami. But try as she might, Kagami can not handle the sensory of only having one earbud in. Nino knows her tells by that point, and he’s not about to let her suffer for a stupid reason, but she REALLY does want to hear his music. They somehow end up with Kagami putting a pair of headphones around her neck and turning up the volume a little bit so she can hear, while Nino rests his head on her shoulder so he can hear just enough to know where she is in the song

And then he has to sit up and scootch away just enough to see her hands so they can talk about it, and they both pretend not to notice how nice it was to snuggle as they sign. Its fine, though, because now they get the excuse to just look at each other again and sign overdramatically with exaggerated facial expressions, and no one else around can overhear their conversation, and Nino likes to go a little over the top when signing onomatopoeia and acting out particular parts of the song rhythm that he likes, and Kagami laughs, and they both mentally save the image of each other in this moment the same way that they look at reference images for artwork, memorizing the lines of each movement and the things that make each smile unique,

and Nino also shows up at every single one of her fencing tournaments, and he sits as close as he can and signs encouraging messages to her from the crowd whenever she’s not actively competing, (that her blind mom can never catch, which is somewhat of a bonus to Kagami, because every element of their friendship that her mother cant interact with makes this more personal and special and HERS). Every little sign she sends back at him, even a simple thank you, always feels so good and rebellious and free because shes supposed to be focusing on fencing but shes deciding to care more about friendship. And even if she’s expected to leave immediately afterword, she’ll find every excuse possible to find him and give him a hug, which he’ll always accept even though she jokingly warns him shes sweaty and gross

And eventually they are special best friends and it brings them instant joy to see each other and theyre able to interact for no reason other than that they want to and like each other

(And then they kiss)

#ninogami #ninami #nino lahiffe #kagami tsurugi #miraculous ladybug #ml #fic tag #dont want to tag this with the other ship because the tumblr algorithm is weird #and i dont want it going in the tag because theres no content for that ship and this directly opposes it #but i respect nino and alyas relationship so much they are so good and perfect #but im also terminally a multishipper #and ninogami is so darn precious too i love them #i just try not think about the circumstances with alya in this shup #ship #just imagine she and nino are still close bros and alya is dating marinette or adrien or whoever else you want

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kraviolis · 3 years ago

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sorting the owl house characters into hogwarts houses, because im cringe

luz - ravenclaw

she’s creative and clever and is always searching to learn new things and loves learning just for the sake of learning. shes incredibly witty and quick thinking and open-minded. she’s constantly finding clever, creative, and original ways to solve her problems. she hardly blinked when given the opportunity to learn magic, and only continued to show an intense amount of intelligence and appreciation for academics. shes very resourceful as a human learning magic, finding a entirely new form of magic when it was apparent that she couldnt do it the traditional way. she’s very aspiring, wanting to be a witch and an author since she was very young. she’s very logical about a lot of things, like how it doesnt make sense to not allow witches to study multiple tracks or that people were imprisoned just for being themselves. she’s highly encouraging of individuality which is a lesser known trait of ravenclaw but very important. she can be a perfectionist at times and tended to avoid social interaction so she could persue her creativity. she’s outspoken, an overthinker, and very competitive. i think a lot of people might say she’s a hufflepuff, as she’s loyal and kind and hardworking, but luz values learning and creativity above any of those other things— this is evident, when she makes the decision to stay in the boiling isles to learn magic rather than go home to her mom, thus putting knowledge and creativity over her own family.

eda - gryffindor

she’s not afraid to stand up for herself and others and will never back down from a challenge. she would rather die as herself than live unauthentically. she’s very passionate and empathetic. she’s rebellious against rules that dont make sense to her and cares intensely for her friends and family. she has a strong internal moral code that she sticks to intensely, never straying from it. in the very first episode, she breaks into the conformatorium just to get a paper crown thats important to king. she let raine break up with her because she didnt want to burden them with her curse. she forfeited the match with lily because she knew her sister wanted to be in the emperor’s coven more than she ever did. she’s sacrifices herself for luz & king over and over again because she cares so deeply for her.

king - slytherin

he’s self-centered, smart, arrogant, and highly ambitious. he would do anything to achieve his goals— which was at first reclaiming his throne as the king of demons, and then turned into finding out where he came from. he tried to use luz as a means to reach his goals when he became an author, nearly sacrificing their friendship. he became incredibly loyal to luz after that in the same way he’s loyal to eda, the one who raised him.

(other characters under the cut)

lily - slytherin

it was between this and ravenclaw, because she’s incredibly intelligent and does seem to enjoy learning and has a great mind, she’s also incredibly ambitious and prideful. the deciding factor was that she cursed eda just to reach her own goals. she’s still loyal to eda even when working for belos, which says a lot to how she’s loyal to only a select few people. to her, the ends justify the means (making amity cheat to appear like the better teacher, cursing eda to win the duel, kidnapping luz to get belos to cure eda, losing her magic to help eda)

amity - gryffindor

this one was hard, i swapped between slytherin and gryffindor a lot for her. she’s ambitious and intelligent, but also not afraid to do whats right even if means breaking the rules. she’s self-sacrificing and empathetic and prideful. she ended her friendship with boscha to help luz and willow win. she didnt like luz at first because luz kept cheating and messing up her life, which means she has a strong moral code against cheating and bullies. she’s rebellious in small ways at first but once she started realizing how terrible her parents and belos really were, she pulled away extremely quickly.

willow - slytherin

not surprising, if you take into her account of self-preservation and bending of the rules to suit her ambitions. in the first episode she agrees to cheating just to get ahead in school because she wants to make her parents proud, and in the end she switches to the plants track so to her the ends justify the means. she pulled out of the grudgby game when luz pushed her & gus too far, a perfect example of that self preservation. she has a sense of loyalty that extends to very specific people but she always makes sure those people are taken care of. her parents, luz, gus, and eventually king, eda, and amity, too. she wouldn’t die for them, but she would kill for them.

gus - hufflepuff

sure, he has the ravenclaw curiousity and thirst for knowledge, but he’s very kind, hard working, has a strong inner sense of justice and fairness, and is tolerant of others. he helps mattholomule even if he’d been a jerk before because it was unfair if he didnt. he helps luz break into belos’s castle to find a cure for eda, lets luz borrow his library card to see amity, and hated it when mattholomule tried to lie about the human objects. he knows what it feels like to be left behind and underestimated, so he makes an effort to be kind to others who seem to be in the same boat. he’s very young but already so accomplished which is a testament to how hard he works.

hunter - hufflepuff

this one was HARD. it was either slytherin or this, and a deciding factor for this is the fact that he is self-sacrificing. he sacrifices a lot for other people, even if it doesnt seem like it. in the palisman episode, he sacrifices the palismen getting away despite knowing he would be punished for returning empty-handed. in eclipse lake, he leaves to find the titans blood for belos when he simply could have stayed in the castle and been safe. he’s viciously hard-working, dedicated, and loyal to his family. he lets people’s actions speak for them. he doesn’t immediately judge luz for using wild magic and actually seems interested in it before remembering to be loyal to belos. he’s patient, too, as seen by his interactions with luz. he gets frustrated, sure, but he still works with her. he’s modest about his rank and title, preferring to not flaunt it more than needed. but he does take pride in it. he’s kind in his own way, specifically to belos and lil rascal, but you can see it in his interactions with amity & luz, too. with amity, he empathizes with her and gives her advice that he thinks is true, and offers to dig a grave for her too when its apparent that neither of them are getting any titans blood. with luz, he gives up the palismen and protects her from kikimora. that boy is a hufflepuff for sure.

raine - gryffindor

oh buddy theyre the biggest gryffindor ever. they extremely, extremely brave. they have terrible stage fright and anxiety but they still became head bard, and they still ran an underground resistance group, and they still gave everything up just to help eda. they have a strong sense of whats right and whats wrong and incredible amount of passion, empathy, and integrity. they have a great sense of pride— “How did someone with stage fright end up as Head Witch?” “I’m just that good.”— and are very selfless. they stopped eda from sacrificing herself because they knew her kids needed her more, they sacrificed themselves in eda’s place and gave up everything they had just so eda wouldnt have to.

camila - hufflepuff

she’s extraordinarily kind, even when she’s terrified. she’s accepting and open-minded and hardworking, making sure to show luz that she loves her creativity but still wants to make sure luz can do well in school and can make friends. sometimes you can do something you think is kind but isnt really. she’s also a single mother doing her best to give her daughter a good life, which is a credit to how hard she works and how dedicated she is to her daughter. she even took the day off of work to drive luz to camp because she knew luz was anxious and wanted to reassure her. she’s patient with luz, and even when faced with the scariest moment of her life, she’s still thinking of how luz feels rather than her own fears and anger. she’s very much a hufflepuff in the way that she’s quiet and unassuming but fiercely protective of her family.

vee - slytherin

she’s opportunistic and has a sense of self-preservation. she’d rather save her own skin than do that right thing. she’s cunning, having pretended to be camila’s daughter just to have a place for herself. this isnt a bad thing at all, though. she’s also loyal to camila, who she sees as her family, and even got into a fight with luz over how she treated camila. she still listened to luz and let luz help her so that vee could remain living as luz. she doesnt feel guilty about valuing herself ahead of luz.

belos - ravenclaw

honestly? not a hard decision. he’s smart, sure, but he’s not people-smart. he didnt think lilith would betray him after he admitted to lying about healing eda. he doesnt understand loyalty, not even to those close to him. he’s rational and logical rather than emotional. if the theory that he is philip wittebane is to be believed, then its obvious he has an appreciation for learning and knowledge. belos distinctly reminds me of lockhart, or even quirrell, who were also in ravenclaw. he’s got an arrogance to him that blinds him, believing himself to be the smartest and strongest witch on the isles and thus underestimating others, which will only lead him to ruin.

#the owl house #toh #toh spoilers #the owl house spoilers #luz noceda #eda clawthorne #king clawthorne #amity blight #krav talks #my writing #character analysis

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bitchfitch · 3 years ago

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A Nice Chat In The Park

[complete]

Cherry trudged with her hood up and her hands shoved into the pockets of her pants. She felt like a traitor just for considering this, but her options were so limited that she really didn't have a choice.

Haze, the demon that had been terrorizing her city for years now, was sat in his human disguise on a blanket in the local park. Exactly where he was every Wednesday around noon during the off season for the local soccer team. He liked to watch them struggle, and to feel their frustration when he sent them sliding on patches of mud that weren't there a moment before while he waited for his husband's lunch break to roll around.

She sat beside him without saying a word as he snickered after sending two players crashing into each other. Really, now would be a great time to test out the enchanted switch blade he'd given her last Christmas.

"Cherry darling, So nice of you to pay me a visit. Will the rest of The Bed-Fort Club be joining us soon?" he asked with a light voice. Cherry wished she hated Haze as much as the rest of her team, she really should, but he was the only one who called her by the right name. She never even told him it. He just started using it and her knew pronouns the day after she had had her realization without needing to be told them.

No one else knew yet, so she didn't blame them for not using the right name, but something about Haze just going with it without any questions or awful comments made him a bit more ok in her book.

"No," she huffed, "I needed to ask a for a favor,"

"As your nemesis I think I'm obligated to say no, but I'll still hear you out," he adjusted the sunglasses that hid his coal black eyes from the world before continuing in a slightly less cocky tone, "I have something to ask of you too, so maybe we could make a trade?"

"Maybe," she swallowed hard and took a deep breath, "I want you to take me prom dress shopping. I have the money I'm just… I just don't want to go alone,"

"You wouldn't want one of your friends to take you?" he sounded genuine, but Cherry still grit her teeth.

"No, because like, most of my friends are cool, but... remember when you wore that dress to my uncle's party?"

"Yeah? The blue one right? If you want to borrow it you can you know. No deal needed because I can't exactly wear it again after all the fuss Mr.Denver made over it," he rubbed his face, "Did you know that he tried to get Mr. Hopsworth to fire Aleistar over that? Said I was- you know what? I don't actually feel comfortable repeating what he said to a child," he tried to laugh it off but Cherry could see the tinge of hurt in the way the tips of his barely pointed ears drooped.

"Yeah, I don't think I could pull that one off. But, uhm, Uncle Jerry wasn't the only one making comments about the whole man in a dress thing. Most of the- please don't take this out on them we were just being stupid and I'm sorry- but, The Bed-fort Club was being just as awful about it." she pulled her knees up to her chest and wrapped her arms around them to try and feel a little more comfortable after that confession.

Haze sighed, "Oh sweetheart, I'm sorry that happened. That must have been so rough for you to have to sit through," his voice was soft as he put a hand on her shoulder to try and comfort her. Cherry hated how nice Haze was sometimes. How in these brief little moments he was more friend than enemy even though he stayed the same demon between them.

"You're not mad?" She didn't like how weak her own voice sounded.

"Not at you or your friends. I've gotten used to that sort of... joking," he shrugfed as pulled his hand away from her, "At least you lot weren't saying it to my or Aleistar's faces. I think that was the biggest fight we've had yet, when he got home after that meeting…" Haze trails off, "But that's the past now. I'll take you dress shopping, no problem,"

Cherry felt a pang of guilt that nearly overshadowed her worry. She remembered how mad her uncle had been, and she remembered being the one to suggest he tried talking to Hopsworth about it. Not to get Aleistar fired, but to make him consider that maybe keeping a demon around wasn't great for him. But now hearing that it might have almost actually worked, she felt her gut twist up with regret.

"And what are you going to ask in return?" she tried to swallow down her guilt, he didn't need to know that that had been her fault.

"Would you consider talking to your friends about leaving Aleistar out of this?" He asked frankly "He's getting older, and his heart isn't great anymore. So I don't want you all stressing him out so much,"

"You care about his heart health?" Cherry had to stop herself from snorting, "Isn't him dying sooner better for you because you'd get his soul faster?"

"Fuck you." Haze didn't stop himself from cussing at her, "Seriously, Fuck you. I'm offering to help you get a stupid dress. Ive been nothing but a good nemesis for you. and I've Never hurt you or anyone you love in the entire time you and your lackies have been chasing me down." The sudden 180 snap in his attitude from where they had been a moment before nearly sent Cherry running.

"You're a demon-" she tried to start justifying her words but he steam rolled on.

"Cherry, you dont fucking get it do you?" he was practically snarling as he stood to loom over her, "You think you have always just been one step behind me right? One step too weak to destroy me for good?"

"What are you-"

"You've never come close. Every time you think you have is because I let you. I could level this city in seconds, I could destroy everything you have ever loved with a snap of my fingers. That's my nature you know? To cause mayhem and suffering," he gestured aroumd them, not really paying attention as the grass he stood on began to wilt.

"And thats why we wont Let you-"

"Shut Up. You and The Bed-Fort Club have Never been what's stopping me from doing that. You've been a fun distraction to play with when I'm bored. Can you fucking Guess who I'm actually stopping myself for?"

"Him, because if you didn't he'd banish you and you wouldn't get his soul," she snapped back, "I know how this works,"

"No, you fucking Don't," he wipes at his eyes, and only then did she realize he'd started to cry behind his sunglasses "Your parents, everyone at that stupid company, everyone who sees Aleistar and I out on a date, they think I just want his money. That I'm just a gold digger. And the thing is? I don’t care, because he knows that I don't need his money,

"But every time you or Sammy, or who ever else who's in the know looks at us, they think I just want his soul. And I'm so fucking scared that one of these days he's going to listen to one of you. That he's going to Believe you over me. And that just like that, the happiest thing that has Ever happened to me will just be Poof! Gone! Sayonara happy house husband life, time to back to Actual Hell," he grit his teeth which had turned to fangs at some point during his rant as his skin tinted a bruise purple and his navy hair fluffed up to look more like his namesake. He crossed his arms and hugged himself tightly as he tried to calm down.

"And you know what Cherry? Had it Ever occurred to you that Maybe, just Maybe, I'm with him because I love him? That I ignore my nature because I just want him to be happy?" He never yelled through his entire rant, but the drop in volume, and the change from rage to desperate hurt in his tone was enough to make her wish he had just been yelling.

Cherry looks up at him in shocked silence for a moment. The only other time she'd seen Haze have any sort of out burst like this was when Aleistar was in the hospital last year and he and Sammy had gotten into a huge fight in the waiting room.

"That's the truth?" she asked, not really knowing why but also not really knowing what else to say.

"Yeah, and nothing but the truth," He sighed wiping his hands over his face one last time as he forced his disguise back into order, "I shouldn't have snapped at you, I'm sorry. I'll just... I'll still take you dress shopping if you want me to, and I would still like it if you could talk to your crew about leaving Aleistar out of this, but I'd understand if you've changed your mind,"

"No, I uh... I think I'd still like you to take me. And, uhm..." she trailed off for a moment, "I'm sorry too, I guess I just never really thought about you and him actually being a couple,"

"Yeah, you and everyone else," he sighed one last time as he pulled out his phone at typed something before pressing send. A moment later Cherry's phone beeped, "There, you have my number now. I'm... I think I'm going to go interrupt whatever Aleistar is doing. Have a nice day and succumb to the forces of evil or whatever," he walked off without giving her time to reply.

When she checked her messages to set up his contact in her phone she found the one from him,

"Tell Sammy to stop mailing my husband exorcism books, we're running out of both room and oragami ideas for them

-XOXO Uncle Haze."

She groaned a little at his signature.

#just a snippet from later on in the story once the bfc are in high-school #and in case its not obvious #yeah cherry is a trans girl and her pseudo adoptive demon uncle supports her completely

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detectivecarisi-1 · 3 years ago

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Things I struggle with, as someone who is Emotionally Abused.

1. Not letting it get in my head. I am very good at recognizing when my mom is just trying to get a rise out of me. But even when i recognize that , i still let it affect me. I still think about it constantly , it still hurts.

2. Recognizing that the things she does is abuse , even when she’s not actively abusing. Let me explain. When i am being yelled at , called names , humiliated , i’m able to recognize the things she is doing as abuse. I am able to see “normal parents dont do that”. But when my mom does something like make my favorite food , or take me shopping , it’s hard for me to still see her as an abuser. I start to feel guilty for ever telling my friends i’m abused , i start to question everything and wonder if it’s really my fault.

3. Remembering all the pain shes caused me. It was until i was 19 that i realized: i don’t remember much of my childhood at all. I remember the major things , like trips to disney world or things like that. But everything from 6-17 is just a complete blur. I have no memory from elementary , middle , or high school. So on a normal day , if someone were to ask me the abuse my mom put me through , i would have to think long and hard. But whenever i am actively being abused, all the traumatic memories of everything that i’ve been through rush back , but i remember it like it’s not happening to me , but like i’m watching it unfold in a movie.

4. Feeling justified as calling my mom an abuser. My mom is an emotional abuser and manipulator. But sometimes i will question whether it’s really that bad. I mean , i still have a house with a dog that i love , and a car to drive , so even though she does everything in her power to manipulate me , it’s hard for me to really justify what i go through as abuse.

5. I never stop craving a mother. I would do ... anything for the love of a mother. I would do anything at all to just hug my mom. i want to have a mom i could tell everything to , like a best friend.

6. Realizing that the things i went through isn’t normal. to this day , whenever i talk about an experience and the person i am talking to tells me theyve never experienced that , causes me to disassociate. even though i know my childhood wasnt normal , it still is shocking to me to get the weird looks or something when i tell people about something i have experienced.

7. i never stop needing her. I would do anything to not get the urge to call my mom when something exciting happens. Even though i know she’ll put the blame on me , i never stop wanting to call my mom when i’m sad , or afraid , or angry. I know it will almost always backfire and end up with more pain, i always need my mom. And that scares me.

#parental abuse #emotional abuse #emotional manipulation #sad #rant #bad childhood #abuse #mother #mom #abusive mother #depression

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savagc · 3 years ago

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NEGATIVE TRAITS OF THE ZODIAC SIGNS .

tagged by: i dont honestly remember this has been in drafts for a little while. tagging: @wontgodowninhistory ; @dalphahale ; @adptations ; @damnbrain & @istories ; @reycs ; @aigonakru ; @graunblida ; @klarsynt & @tteiva ; @therefxreweare ; @magiaesabiduria : @writingshae ; @angerbuilt ; @ecfigaes ; @willowdied ; @mxndwitch ; @thsndlves ; @portectorisms ; @mxnstersarereal

[ JUST DO THE THING AND TAG ME BC I WANNA SEE ]

𝑨𝑹𝑰𝑬𝑺. tries to do everything at once. doesn’t know when to stop & take care of themselves. bends over backwards for everyone even if someone did them dirty. has entirely too much on their plate. over-assertive. both insensitive and oversensitive.

𝑻𝑨𝑼𝑹𝑼𝑺. idealistic. spends a lot of time trying to impress others. doesn’t like to apologize. eating is a coping mechanism or just addictive personalities in general. a tad co—dependent.

𝑮𝑬𝑴𝑰𝑵𝑰. the most flip—floppy people ever. what’s today’s mood? never apologizes. in denial 90% of the time. their way or the highway. desperately needs a break. has a hard time setting goals because their goals scare them.

𝑪𝑨𝑵𝑪𝑬𝑹. the literal meaning of ‘i’ll give you the shirt off my back’. isolates themselves in fear of someone hurting them. wants to change but is scared of change. complains a lot but never takes the advice people give them.

𝑳𝑬𝑶. no one takes them seriously because they feel they always have to portray themselves as the fun one. is actually really sad inside. honestly needs a hug. always exhausted. a crackhead.

𝑽𝑰𝑹𝑮𝑶. can dish it but can’t take it. rushes everything. anxious. plans their future but forgets to live in the moment. sometimes ignores their friends because they have so much on their mind. talks about themselves a lot & sometimes forgets to ask the other person how they are.

𝑳𝑰𝑩𝑹𝑨. solves everyone’s problems but their own. is actually really sad & lonely. gets easily heartbroken but tries not to show it. will do anything to justify bad decisions. honestly just wants everyone to love them but doesn’t really love themselves.

𝑺𝑪𝑶𝑹𝑷𝑰𝑶. easily set off. will give anyone the cold shoulder at any given time even without reason. keeps a lot in. so observant that they often times find out things that hurt them. too many ‘what ifs’ swirling in their head. has trouble showing their true self.

𝑺𝑨𝑮𝑰𝑻𝑻𝑨𝑹𝑰𝑼𝑺. impatient. brash. commitment issues. body issues. doesn’t realize they don’t need to change for anyone. has a lot of different goals to a point where they get overwhelmed. just wants to disappear & do what they want without anyone questioning them.

𝑪𝑨𝑷𝑹𝑰𝑪𝑶𝑹𝑵.scared people won’t like them unless they’re at the top of their game 24/7. it takes a lot for them to talk about their feelings. secretly struggling. fake happy. needs a plan but doesn’t know what that plan is. confident but insecure at the same time. wants to be stable but sometimes wishes they could drop everyone’s expectations of them & live normally.

𝑨𝑸𝑼𝑨𝑹𝑰𝑼𝑺. gets heartbroken like 30 times a week. trust issues. can be unmotivated & disinterested. feels they have to adapt to every person they meet so they can be liked. doesn’t know how to tap into their emotions despite being very intuitive. confused. expects little.

𝑷𝑰𝑺𝑪𝑬𝑺. empathetic, often to a point of no return. plays the victim. doesn’t know when to say no. cynical. hermit. is very impatient. trusts everyone too much. can be secretly very critical & judgmental. can only tolerate maybe ten minutes of social interaction. needs a lot of validation.

#luna is a cancer but she's been called out by a few signs

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im-the-punk-who · 4 years ago

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Hi, I dont know if you read or know anything about Macchiavelli's "Il principe", but I am studying it in school and I cant help but compare it's fundamentals to how Flint leads. I'm just curious about what you think

Eekekekekekekekekekekkek okay so first off Anon, you are absolutely, 100% right to be getting those vibes. If it’s not actually textual it is at the least meta-textual that Flint ascribes to a very Machiavellian type of leadership. His whole ‘never was there a Caesar who couldn't sing the tune’ speech is...licherally a direct reference to Machiavelli's philosophy that leaders cannot retain their leadership without sacrificing some level of ethical behavior in order to manipulate and deceive their subjects into following them.

And, Flint owns at least two books from thinkers who drew directly on Machiavellian thinking in their texts: De Jure Belli Ac Pacis by Hugo Grotus and The Leviathan by Thomas Hobbes are both visible in Flint’s cabin, and both drew heavily on the type of leadership principles established in books like Il Principe.

(Also, my eternal quest for the book that sits *under* The Leviathan in that scene remains. Y’all I will literally pay someone for this knowledge. My best guess is Plato’s De Republica.)

In fact, the whole system that Flint’s world was operating under at this time was very machiavellian in influence.

Henry VIII, who converted to Protestantism and who would eventually lead England in the conversion from Catholicism to Protestantism that would then in turn eventually lead the country into the War of Spanish Succession(the war being fought during the London 1705 flashbacks), was a student of Machiavellian thinking. He took the teachings of Il Principe to heart and used them to transform his country. Over the next hundred and fifty years, England would change from an entirely Catholic country to a Protestant one. Of note, Catholic scholars generally disagreed with Machiavelli’s principles on the grounds that it did not support the Divine Right of Kings.

As well, the Enlightenment thinkers that influenced Thomas Hamilton(and Flint himself) were starting to argue more for personal liberty and choice of the governed, both concepts presented in Machiavelli’s writings. (For those following along, this approach was also being used to justify slavery, as what was ‘good for the state is good for the man’ was used as justification for everything from impressment to colonization and slavery. Men were willing to set aside their morals for what they justified as good for the state. Shrug emoji.)

As James says of England when he and Thomas view the hanging in London:

“You think Whitehall wants piracy to flourish in the Bahamas?”

“No I don’t think they want it but I think they’re aware of the cost associated with trying to fight it. And I think that that sound travels.”

Here we see that Flint knows what Thomas doesn’t or does not want to accept: that England is willing to sacrifice some morality and some amount of lives(both of pirate-prisoners and the ships they take) in order to save themselves the financial burden of rooting out the causes of piracy. The justification for piracy was that it is too costly to fight, and that the nation ultimately benefits from a bit of strife as it drives prices up and allows England to place within the sights of its citizenry an identifiable enemy. (Note that Blackbeard also argues the same of Nassau, that prosperity ‘made it soft’.)

Even as he is changed by Thomas’ line of thinking, this lesson will stick with Flint and we’ll see it over and over again as he deals with the men’s hatred of himself by redirecting them towards other avenues(Vane, Hornigold, England, etc.)

And in actuality, this is what sets Thomas very much apart from his political brethren - he was *not* willing to sacrifice his morals in order to achieve a ‘more effective’ victory. Once he realizes that moral deficit shown by England, he creates the pardon plan to argue directly for a more moral and just way of governance. His whole premise for the pardons was to show England that an approach that considered the needs and wants of the governed was ultimately more effective, both in cost and in gaining the genuine good will of the people. And again, this is another likely reason why Thomas was then targeted by Peter Ashe and his father. Railing against the entire system of government was dangerous. Particularly if one was railing against the government in a way that could be seen as support of an opposing system of religion and political rule(remember how I said before that Catholics were generally against the Machiavellian systems?) Put plainly, Thomas’ rejection of Machiavelli’s leadership tactics would have been yet another argument for his treason against the crown.

Interestingly also, Marcus Aurelius - Thomas Hamilton’s homeboy - is said to be one of Machiavelli’s five “good” emperors, of whom Machiavelli wrote,

“[they] had no need of praetorian cohorts, or of countless legions to guard them, but were defended by their own good lives, the good-will of their subjects, and the attachment of the Senate.”

How we tryna be.

And so we see that Flint has - not so much fallen back into England’s line of thinking but perhaps that he never really fell out of it. And that this is actually a rift in his potential ability to conform to Thomas’ line of thinking, assuming we see that line as more morally correct. We do see Flint, gradually, throughout the course of the show, move more away from this Machiavellian line of thinking, especially once he meets Madi and the Maroons. And to me at least it’s one of the most important character shifts we see - in contrast to the trajectory of John Silver becoming Long John Silver - throughout the series. Just as Flint is finally starting to really value the lives of those around him, Silver has learned how effective those tactics can be in achieving his goals. As Hands says - ‘I wonder if he knows how much you learned from him.’

And in fact, Silver almost directly quotes Machiavelli at one point when he talks to Flint about their different leadership styles.

“I once thought that to lead men in this world, to be liked was just as good as being feared, and that may very well be true. But to be both liked and feared all at once, is an entirely different state of being in which, I believe, at this moment, I exist alone.”

Whereas Machiavelli in his chapters addressing cruelty and mercy writes

"Here a question arises: whether it is better to be loved than feared, or the reverse. The answer is, of course, that it would be best to be both loved and feared. But since the two rarely come together, anyone compelled to choose will find greater security in being feared than in being loved."

This is clearly the approach Flint has taken - he is the most feared captain on the seas. Certainly in the colonial world and on Nassau, too, his name brings a certain amount of fear with it. Because of this he has been safe from rebellion for quite a long time - however he is also not unaware that his power comes from the people. In the very first episode he talks of his plan with Gates to “position people in all the right places so the crew would never turn.” He has, for an unknown amount of time but I would suspect from the very beginning, been manipulating the crew’s opinion of him to keep them happy. Gates himself, and Silver later, are prime examples.

Both of them; Gates for the first ten years or so and Silver in seasons 2+3 act as a go between - being the ‘liked’ to Flint’s ‘feared’. They convince the crew - the ‘people’ in this case - that Flint’s plans are in their best interest and not truly the act of a tyrant. It is only when Flint forgets - or neglects to respect - that the will of his crew is how he keeps his power, that he really starts to fail. And, later also, that now he has a rival - Silver.

Now, I do want to point out that personally I don’t think Flint is a needlessly cruel ‘ruler’ in the sense the crew sometimes thinks he is, nor is he trying to be as a king is to english subjects. He has power, of course, and he does manipulate, lie, and kill if necessary to maintain his power in accordance with Machiavelli’s principles, but he does not do so ruthlessly or to a degree that is unnecessarily violent, nor with only his own advancement in mind. His goals genuinely are in service of the people he leads, even if the tactics he uses sometimes put them in danger for it. Moreso, I would argue that Flint is a prince who created his own princedom. He took an existing power structure(the pirate council in Blackbeard, Hornigold etc) and took most of the power for himself, either through luck, violence, or political maneuvering. And then he kept it through skill and tactical advantage.

Silver, in contrast to Flint’s new princedom, is truly a ‘prince of the people’. He comes to power through convincing the other pirates that he has their interests at heart - even when he doesn’t. But Silver soon learns that being a well-loved leader is difficult. It isn’t until Silver kills Dufresne and Billy uses that fear to build a legend that ‘Long John Silver’ the pirate king comes into being. Silver learns, just as Flint knew, that in a world or corruption, often leaders need to make sacrifices of things they would have once deemed important.

(I think it’s also important to note for Silver that his main goal is actually one Machiavelli writes of as being ‘a will of the people’. Silver’s main wish is not to rule, not really. His biggest motivator is ‘to be free’. To not have to make choices based on the will or subjugations of others. And so, he attempts to make the leadership forced upon him into something that frees him - unfortunately for him, Madi is right when she says that the ‘Crown is always a burden’ and it would be truly impossible for him to find the kind of freedom he wishes for while wearing it. Which, honestly, is part of why he ultimately fails in that regard as leader of the revolution.)

In the later seasons we see Flint go through this change in philosophy after he meets Madi and the Maroons. He begins to actually value the lives of the people he leads. When put to the choice of going through with the raid on the Underhill estate despite the risk it poses to the slaves on other plantations, Flint resists the idea. As he tells Madi - it would have cost them far more to ignore the ‘will’ of those people he hoped to lead - the slaves - than it would gain them to go through with the plan. And later, even though he can’t be blind to Max’s sway with Eleanor and the others, unlike Billy (and oh how the mighty have fallen, Mr. Bones!) he doesn’t even seem to consider keeping her rather than trading her for the lives of his other men. He no longer wants to trade a potential political victory for the suffering of those he leads. So, too, when he attempts to trade the cache for the fort, he is doing so with the goal being to not have to put those under his power in danger if there is another option. It is, at least to me, an incredibly moving character arc and one that is so very understated.

And honestly, I think it’s what *needed* to happen before he could move on from his rage-hate bender and begin to find the sort of peace that one might argue those ‘good’ rulers had. Machiavelli’s principles tend to get in the way of your ability to connect with other people: when you see them just as pawns in a game, friends and foes lose their intrinsic value of just being important on an emotional level. It is only through learning to truly value his partners that Flint can learn how to be a better and more just leader.

Also, this passage in chapter 15 absolutely KILLS me in regards to both Flint, and Thomas Hamilton:

“Men have imagined republics and principalities that never really existed at all. Yet the way men live is so far removed from the way they ought to live that anyone who abandons what is for what should be pursues his downfall rather than his preservation; for a man who strives after goodness in all his acts is sure to come to ruin, since there are so many men who are not good.”

Like bitch!! We get it!! Too much sanity!!! Shut up!!!!!

Anyway, all this to say that you’re absolutely right in seeing parallels between Flint’s style of leadership and a Machiavellian prince - he is absolutely written as a prince-like leader. As are Silver, Rogers, even the Maroon Queen(and Scott and Madi as extensions of her) can be compared to certain rulers in Machiavelli’s archetypes. Even Thomas, who models himself after one of those ‘good emperors’ engenders a type of political leader Machiavelli writes about.

(Also lastly, i want to very quickly point out this guy, Cesare Borgia:

Who was a prince of ‘fortune’ who lost his princedom to trusting the wrong person. What a beard, amirite? What a face. He’s even got the rings! I’m sure this means nothing.)

So basically yeah, Flint is absolutely a Machiavelli bitch.

#anyway talk dirty morally grey philosophy to me!!!#black sails #james mcgraw #captain flint #machiavelli #black sails meta #milos black sails meta #long post #Anonymous

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bisexualsforprompto · 5 years ago

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For Garmari what if they had a secret relationship that only the heroes knew about(knows shes ladybug) and her parents (dont know shes ladybug). They met while the teen titans or yj were on a mission. She didn't tell anyone cause 1)Alya might post it 2) her class and her aren't really friends and 3) some people might be extremely rude especially about his green skin.(lila and/or chole). Class fi3nds out comments spew and she ends friend ship with everyone. Jealous adrien trying to break them up

A/N not sure how happy I am with this, but oh well...

Marinette Dupain-Cheng was used to secrets.

She wasn’t fond of them but she was used to them.

Being Ladybug, hiding Lila’s threats, hiding Chat Noir’s blatant sexual harassment.

She would’ve broken if not for Tikki, but sometimes even they weren’t enough.

Sometimes she thought she might break down because of all the different parts of her she was forced to hide.

Until she met Garfield Logan.

As weird and almost silly as it sounded when Ladybug had contacted the Justice League and started out with her first mission with the Teen Titans she instantly clicked with Beast Boy, Garfield.

He broke down all of her walls, he had so many as well with everything that had happened in his past, and suddenly there weren’t any secrets between them.

It was refreshing to have a friendship with someone with no secret identity, comes with the territory when you’re green Marinette supposed, it felt like Gar didn’t have to hide from the world and she didn’t have to hide from him.

It wasn’t soon after (or surprising) when their friendship blossomed into a relationship. But ironically it created a new secret.

She told her parents (of course leaving out the small detail that’d she’d met Beast Boy as Ladybug, though they didn’t push, Tom and Sabine were just proud that their little girl had a boyfriend, even if he was a green superhero), but nobody else. She was afraid Alya would post it to the Ladyblog and she didn’t want that kind of attention. She knew Lila or Chloé would try to belittle Gar, say that Marinette of course could only date a beast. And although Garfield had a lot more self esteem than Marinette she refused to subject him to that kind of abuse.

The rest of the class wouldn’t be any better, they’d all sided with Lila. Adrien and coincidentally, Chat Noir were becoming problems too. They would constantly bother her and try to ask her out and she knew if the word about her and Garfield got out they would try to break them up.

The other Titans knew and she had a sneaking suspicion that some of the others in the hero community knew as well, but she trusted those people, she couldn’t trust Paris.

She could trust Gar, he was always there for her, but at the moment she was almost ready to slap him in his beautiful, beautiful face.

“Um I do have a special someone,” Garfield said over the television as Marinette facepalmed watching it with her parents in the bakery, “It’s kind of a secret who she is but she lives in Paris and I love her very, very much.”

If Marinette didn’t love Gar she would’ve marched herself over to Titans Tower and kicked his ass all the way to Paris for being so stupid.

She understood that he didn’t want to keep their relationship a secret, she didn’t want it to be either, there were enough secrets, but if anyone found out they were dating...well Marinette knew her life would be unbearable.

Marinette stomped up to her room ignoring her parents calling out to her and dialed her boyfriend’s number.

“Garfield Logan I’m going to kill you!”

“So I take it you’ve been watching the news.” Gar chuckled nervously over the line.

“What the hell Gar?!”

“Ok first I need to tell you I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have done that, I was being a moron and wasn’t thinking.”

Marinette rolled her eyes but felt slightly more calm, “Yeah you shouldn’t have.”

“I don’t want to try to justify what I did because there’s honestly no justification for what I’ve done. I really never want to hurt you Mari.” He said softly. Marinette felt her breathing feel steadier.

“I get it Gar. I don’t want to hide our relationship either, really I don’t. One day I promise I’ll be ready for everyone to know, but it’s just- Lila and Chat Noir-“

“I know babe.” Garfield sighed, “I honestly wish you didn’t have to deal with them. Sometimes I want to skin that idiotic cat for what he does to you.” Marinette choked out a laugh. “I’m gonna come over, is that okay?”

“Yeah Gar, how long should it take?”

“Well I’m kinda already here,” Garfield laughed nervously, “The minute I realized how bad I screwed up I asked if I could take Robin’s- well I guess Batman’s plane, and come to Paris.”

“You being so sweet is making it hard to be mad at you.”

“I’m gonna make it a little harder babe, come onto your balcony.”

Marinette placed her phone in her pocket and made her way onto the balcony. She felt the cool air caress her bare shoulders since she was in nothing but pajamas.

Garfield was standing there holding flowers and giving her a loving and apologetic look. Marinette chuckled slightly.

“I don’t deserve you.” She whispered.

“It’s the opposite Mar-bear, I screwed up today, you shouldn’t give me a second chance.” Gar said rubbing the back of his neck sheepishly.

“I love you, you dumb dork.” Marinette said closing the gap between them and kissing him.

Gar dropped the flowers and leaned into the kiss as he wrapped his arms around Marinette.

It was surreal, like a scene out of a movie. It was only them in that moment, no secrets to worry about.

But then their shared moment came to a grinding stop when they heard someone squeal, “What a scoop! My bestie is the one dating Garfield Logan AKA Beast Boy!”

Marinette pulled away from the kiss and mirrored Garfield’s panicked look as they slowly turned around and saw Alya filming them from below.

“Alya no!” Marinette cried, “Please don’t post that.”

“What? Why? Well, doesn’t matter because it was sort of kinda a live stream…” Alya said sheepishly.

Marinette felt a sting of horror, this could only end badly.

“Leave.” Garfield told Alya.

“What?”

“I said leave, I need to deal with this. I’m assuming you saw the news where I said we wanted the relationship to be a secret, you had no right to do that.” Garfield said with more bite than Marinette had ever heard from him.

“But I-“

“Don’t make me ask you again,” Gar growled almost releasing the part of him Marinette knew he had trouble containing. It scared poor bewildered Alya enough and she ran in the other direction.

“What’s going to happen tomorrow?” Marinette choked, the reality of what had happened catching up to her.

“I- I honestly don’t know, but please call me if anything happens. I don’t know what Adrien, Chat Noir, Lila, or your idiot classmates will try to pull...Maybe you can ask your parents to not go to school tomorrow?”

“What’s the point in that?” Marinette started to sob, “I have to go back eventually.” She started to come undone into his arms.

“I’m so sorry.” Garfield said rubbing her back in soothing circles knowing it was all his fault.

Marinette walked into DuPont hiding herself under the gazes of her fellow students, she didn’t have to be a mind reader to know they all saw the video. She kept her head down and tried to walk into Miss Bustier’s class before Adrien pulled her aside.

“Is it true?” He said with masked anger. Marinette gulped and nodded. Adrien inadvertently dug his fingers into her skin, “How could you do this to me?”

“Please Adrien, I don’t want to do th-“

“Marinette what’s it like dating a superhero?!” Asked Rose oblivious as to what Adrien was doing.

“Well-“

Mylené, Alix and Juleka followed her over. “Ooh yeah, tell us! I had no idea you were dating the Beast Boy!”

A larger crowd started to gather and Adrien still hadn’t changed positions. Marinette felt the walls closing in on her.

“How come you didn’t tell me girl? I’m your best friend!”

“Yeah Marinette, why didn’t you tell your friends?!”

“Come on, Mari you should’ve told us!”

“Ooh! Can you get me an interview for my blog?”

“I’m a big fan of Beast Boy, can you get an autograph?!”

“I’m asking as a friend so can you-“

“None of you are my friends!!!” Marinette finally blurted as she broke from Adrien’s grasp and pushed through the crowd. She subconsciously pulled out her phone and dialed Gar. She made it out of the school, felling the fresh air until she realized Adrien had followed her.

“Marinette come back we need to talk about t-“

All Marinette saw was black, the last thing she remembered were her hands shaking and then feeling off balance, so off balance.

The first thing she heard when she came to were muffled shouts and a loud ringing in her ears. Marinette opened her eyes slowly to see her Robin and Starfire getting in a fist fight with Adrien. Her eyes closed again, Garfield must’ve called them. She felt herself being carried by familiar arms and she opened her eyes once more.

“I’m taking you to the tower.” Garfield said in a low whisper. “I’m getting you out of here I promise babe.” She closed her eyes in weakness again.

Marinette woke up to see Gar sitting next to her. He engulfed her in a hug the moment she opened her eyes, “I was so worried, I’m so sorry.”

The memories came running back.

“It’s not your fault Gar.”

“It kind of is.” Garfield laughed humorlessly.

“You can’t control the people at DuPont or Adrien. It’s not like you knew Alya would take that video.” Marinette sat up in the Titan’s hospital bed.

“This wouldn’t have happened if I hadn’t blabbed to a reporter, I feel like all I do is screw up.”

“Gar, I love you. No matter what you do, I'll never stop. You need to stop blaming yourself for everything.” Marinette looked into his eyes, his green ones refused to meet hers.

“If I actually took things seriously maybe-“

“I’m going to stop you right there.” Marinette huffed, “You’ve been through hell and back. The Doom Patrol… You take your job seriously, I know you do, it’s just sometimes taking things lightly is important. Most people who would’ve suffered a tragedy like you would be broody or villains...but you’re an amazing and positive hero, you inspire hope. At the end of the day you take things seriously, you’re not Chat Noir.”

“How are you so amazing?” Garfield chuckled.

“I try,” Marinette winked.

“What are you gonna do about DuPont?”

“Well...They know we’re not friends now.” Marinette laughed, “You know...I think I’m done with secrets. I’ll tell my parents the truth, Ladybug, everything. Then maybe I can be a Titan...permanently? That is if you think the team would have me…”

“Are you kidding?!” Gar beamed, “They love you almost as much as me, they’ll be all for it.”

“Then I guess I know I’m doing...No more secrets.” Marinette smiled, “At least not to the ones who matter.”

~~~~~~~~

Maribat Taglist:

@northernbluetongue

@queen-of-the-trash-planet-tm

@luciferge

@legendaryneckjudgestudent

@interobanginyourmom

@beaversuenightly

@worlds-tiniest-spook-pastry

@mochinek0

@shamefullove

@emjrabbitwolf

@actual-disaster-human

@littleredrobinhoodlum

@elijahcoser

@daminett4life

#maribat #garmari

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thelesbianlegacy-swtor · 4 years ago

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10 Tips for dating a force Girl by the Galaxy Guide to loving girls

As everyone on the Galaxy knows, being around Jedi’s and Sith’s can be a challenge. But this only gets worst when you start dating their cute butts!

So here at the A Galaxy Guide to loving girls, we have put together 10 easy tricks to make your silly girlfriends all the more happier when in your arms!

1- Take special care when around their equals. Some jedi’s still feel some of that silly shame for dating and the sith’s are scared for your safety cause their masters are really a bunch of turds. SO! If around any non close friend from your girlfriend faction, always act as if you were just friends or allies.

2- Make sure to work around your girl’s alliengment. We all know jedis love to meditate and try to surpress thier emotions. Sith’s are out there blowing stuff up instead of going to theraphy. So you should totally ask dumb questions and keep the effect those magical powers have in them. They are a bit more sensitive than other gals so try to keep their alliengment in mind when they are having a bad day

War is a bummer! It is possible your girl will need to get off your arms from time to time to fight some scary battles. Instead of fearing for them, trust that they will always come back, and in the meantime use the time to prepare somehting fun! Picnics in relaxing places are always a nice choice if your girl is a bit tired of excitement

They had weird childhoods! Listen. Even if you are part of some royalty, a daughter of some farmers or a self made business woman, everyone had a childhood with some common things on them. Well. Almost everyone. Jedi’s and Sith’s are often taking from their homes at early ages so they dont have much experience or memories that lots of us have. When talking with your girlfriend, be sure that you dont make them feel bad for having lost their childhood. Instead make an opportunity to share with them

They are BUFF AS HELL. I mean! They are super strong! Even your local metal bending mandalorian would have a run for their money when facing a jedi or sith on just strengh. Theirp owers make them be able to do things you wouldnt expect them to be capable off. That is GOOD! If you ever have problems with opening cans or frasks they are a lifesaver! They can also lift heavy stuff. But they can also crush you if they arent paying attention when they go for a hug. Overall just keep in mind that even with noodle arms, your girlfriend might be quite strong

They have some NASTY memories. Okay. Here is a serious one. Training from childhood can be harsh. Specially with no family or being a slave. Your girlfriend might have plenty of bad memories and even traumas from trainning to be a super soldier that can levitate things with their minds. Cuddle them. Make sure that they always know that you are there for them and not because of some nasty secret plan .Yeah. Their paranoia sounds crazy but trust me is Justified

They have absolutly weird tendencies. Okay this is relevant but not the same for everyone. Our sith’s girls might get jumpy if you try to surprise them. Remember, they grew up trying not to get killed. Jedi’s have problem with owning things. They dont get much stuff on those fancy temples of them. Both might get heated if you use words from the other side Code. Be careful and always remember you LOVE THEM

Some of them feel less for being weak. Yeah girls. Even the might jedis and siths feel weak sometimes. For both sides power is important. It brings status and a feeling of fullfillmeant. Keep it in mind if they ever get pissy about looking weak or silly. It might be a bigger issue for them than you expect

They might have personalitie issues. Ok so this seems obvious to some but many dont realize that beside their training for war, this girls dont have much people to teach them about what is right or wrong or how to deal with certain issues. Some might be sore lossers and others might feel like being happy is wrong. Usual personality traits are ofthen amplified on this girls. They are not crazy they just lack control in some areas

SEX. Okay we all think of it and let me be clear with you. YES they can get naughty and fun with their powers. You think they are fast when fighting? Wait until they are ridding you. Ever seen a sith Lord choke people around? I aint saying anything else. You already know what im talking about. But no matter the girl or side they are i can asure you one thing. This gals have the stamina of a GODDESS. They wont get tired and have spent their entire lives trainning their bodies. So now drop this blog a repost and go get yourself a Girl!

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tees-sawggy-blog · 4 years ago

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Spoilers for Faith in Three Kingdoms so please dont read if your a player in the campaign!!

For context for Faith/ Fuc in my main campaign:

She is just a rogue. She has always been one to just flow with whatever problem comes her way. She’s never had the ability to really fix anything, bc what could she do when she lived and grew up without magic or political power. Earlier on in her life she was never able to have children and she HAD come to terms with this fact at the time, like how she would with everything. But then there was a spark or hope, she had found documents leading to some form of a wish granting artifact. This ended up being a entity of some sort (not a god, but nothing mortal by any means) and ended up making a deal with it. This backfires. So the one and only time she ever tried to changer her fate in the slightest, it was turned into a curse that followed her wherever she went. Now the party she is with is a talented bunch that are all magic users or have priceless knowledge/ lore pivotal to the plot. And there is definitely a part of jealousy but more importantly frustration that she cant be as helpful as them. However, as of recently, Faith has come across a magical artifact that was made with the severed pieces of a god. Very helpful, yeah? Now obviously any remnant of a god is going to be powerful, and its been slowly been alluded to her many times (i.e. every time she uses it) that this power is almost addictive in a way. It doesnt force the character to “bend to its will” but, its the type of artifact that makes you think “wow. i want to feel like this... all the time.” which could probably be damaging to fuc but anyways. So in the last session that we had, an entire city that the party was in was almost leveled from a bomb, but was thankfully protected by a magical field. However the city was forcibly removed from the land and basically turned into atlantis. There was a click in her as a character. Almost a realization of some sort. They were stuck at the bottom of an ocean (we presume), one of the other PCs has lost their memory, and now all that faith can think right now is “I dont know how to fix this, but I wont accept standing to the side to watch this unfold anymore.” And here is where the fun stuff begins:

(this is all stuff im copying pasting from my messages with my DM bc im too lazy to type it all out) she has never REALLY had control or anything she’s done in her life. she’s tried and it backfired and kills those she’s cared about. she’s just a simple rogue whose smart and HAPPENED to be unlucky enough to find some papers about a demon deal. And all these years go by and, she meets these amazing and powerful people like sabrina and lake and crow, even fucking mario, and there are multiple situations where she just feels helpless if there’s an emergency! we will be stuck and all she know is the stuff she’s learned from living basically alone for a lot of her life. then she begins to cast these spells as a bard, and it’s a sign to her. she finally feels like she can help when things might get rough. but then... she gets this ring of tyverius and she’s like, “what if i can be more than just help? what if i can protect them? what if i could fix this? what if i could make the pain go away, all of it?” which is very damaging thinking but she’s getting a taste of this literal god power and she can’t help but think “i know there’s more, i want more” and she’s blurring these lines between justify this with wanting to protect people and wanting more power so she can finally have control. she’s thinking things like “if i put tyverius back together maybe she will help me (which is dumb bc the priestess ha stye same mindset) and if she cannot be restore i will always have the strength of all of her artifacts anyways” in faiths mind she could maybe be more powerful than it if she has tyverius’ power. These were literal thoughts faith was having when we were underwater in tylian, like the most helpless you can get in that scenario, hundreds of thousands will die, the only people she cares about will die etc etc. and there’s nothing ANYONE can do this time. that’s why she turned to bell, a dormant god, to try and wake them up even though she knows they can’t do anything!!! they can’t remember ANYthing!! but tyverius is even more powerful than bell.... sometimes it helps to have the power of gods i dunno ! sometimes faith wishes she could hear tyverius talking in her mind or showing her where the rest of the artifacts are in dream to her she faith can have more direction. Not to mention a lot of good natured moments shes thought of a ways to take advantage of it or use it but it’s never been an option just always a side thought but now seeing these “mortals” like ysme making herself like a prophet to the good followers of bysthyn, like lyla (which we don’t need to deep dive into), like the abernathys ... she starting to realize, she can be like that it’s not exclusive to just gods. that’s just selfish for them to keep all that power to themselves

Essentially, I dont want a villain arc for faith, and I dont think she is inherently evil at all! But I do think that after all this time shes starting become obsessed with the idea of control and fate, and trying to bend destiny. And she was like this far before obtaining the ring, she’s a selfish person. It’s hard to tell is she even knows it, or if she even wants to recognize it. She can put on the disguises, help out as many 13 year old boys on the the street, She can play pretend hero all she wants. It doesnt change how selfish she is internally. And it’s at a point where she doesnt want to recognize this version of herself that is flawed. This version that will always want more, the version that was thinking of ways to work with one of the evil characters as a way to get ahead. Shes far from perfect, and maybe too flawed, but shes not irredeemable. I think that she has so much potential that has been viciously derailed, and shes getting to a point where she wont want family anymore. And her “human” parts are slowly starting to leave. She’s reverting to murder more comfortably than she should and even though shes killed people before, shes never been one to revert to it when she has the chance. Im surprised that the party isn’t more alarmed by this. There were literally points at the very beginning of the campaign where she didn’t want to even physically torture a man for information. mannnnn i just hope that this is getting recognized soon, but to be fair, no one notices anything.

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iwritesickfic · 5 years ago

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boy who cried flu

(yes I am aware of how stupid this title is leave me alone)

Peter rarely - if ever - got sick. Nobody who didn’t know him well would believe it though - he had a long track record of absences and missed assignments, despite being a 3.9 GPA student. He’s flaked from social events and parties countless times, always citing he’s not “feeling well.” It’s not technically a lie, though he does lie sometimes.

People understand physical illness - they know what it feels like to be stuck in bed with a bad cold - but mental illness? Not so much. So...he bends the truth. A professor won’t be very forgiving if you say you spent all weekend in bed because you couldn’t find the motivation to move, but say you had a bad cough? No one bats an eye.

So most people assume Peter has an awful immune system. That or he’s just a pussy who won’t leave the house with so much as a sore throat. Everyone except a select few - Simon, Ashlynn, and Alex.

Simon’d been his friend since undergrad, and they’d been roommates for a time, so he knows exactly what Peter means when he says he “doesn’t feel well.” Ashlynn is the type to show up unannounced with a quart of homemade soup. And Alex...Alex was there when things had gotten out of hand.

But just because they knew he was lying when he said he was sick didn’t mean he stopped using it as an excuse. Ashlynn, despite herself, would usually not question it. Simon wouldn’t think twice about the lie, almost taking it as a direct confession. Alex would usually get pissed off and demand some kind of proof.

They were supposed to go to the beach tomorrow - get up early and take the train together to rockaway. But somehow, for the first time in years, Peter has something more than some congestion. Something way more.

It started a few days ago, a runny nose and swollen sinuses. He slept like shit, and the next morning his throat was raw and he absolutely could not breathe through his nose. But he had class, so he took the train in and sat in his lecture and tried to keep his sniffling to a minimum. By the time he was headed home, he’d long since run out of clean tissues, so he tends to his nose with a damp scrap of napkin he found buried in his bag, his nostrils red and irritated from the abuse.

By the time he gets home, his congestion has gone from a clogged, static brick in his head to leaky, runny mess, but he’s well aware he can’t take a day off from work on his thesis, so he sits in bed working until 2 AM, one hand wiping the mess from his upper lip, the other scribbling notes in his worn out pad.

He wakes the next morning not sure when he fell asleep, his head pounding heavily behind his eyes, sinuses throbbing and inflamed. His throat feels swollen and hot, and the relentless sneezing that started the night before isn’t helping any. The two days prior, everything seemed to be concentrated in his head, but now it’s clear it’s migrating into his chest as well. Halfway through his day at work in the library, he starts to cough, wet and harsh.

It doesn’t help that his body aches like he ran a marathon, and chills are coursing through him like ice water in his veins. By the end of the day he can’t wait to finally sit down and rest. His body’s been screaming for it since the moment he got out of bed, and all day shelving books has really taken its toll.

Unfortunately, he’s got an hour long commute and lucky for him, it’s standing room only. He grips the subway pole like a lifeline, his head spins every time the train rocks. He catches a glimpse of his reflection in the darkened window - he looks awful. Bags like bruises under his eyes that are rimmed in pink and half lidded, his nose irritated and red. A coughing fit tears through him, and he tries his best to catch it in his sleeve. His knees start to tremble as he tries to take deep breaths, and he’s startled when someone taps him on the shoulder.

“You wanna sit?” the woman asks, and it takes him a minute to realize she’s offering her seat. Normally, he’d suck it up, but he’s too miserable to refuse. He mumbles a thanks, and sinks down.

It takes all his self control not to fall asleep then and there.

By the time he’s back at his building, he’s seriously doubting he can climb four flights to get to the apartment. Part of him would rather just lay down in the lobby but he knows this is the final stretch before he can climb into bed and sleep.

He’s interrupted by several fits of coughs, and by the time he’s reached the fourth floor he’s practically gasping for air, and soaked in sweat. The chills he had all day have swapped with an oppressive heat that makes him feel almost lightheaded.

Somehow, he’s quite sure, he manages to stumble to bed, stripping off his damp clothes, the cool air on his slick skin throwing him back into shaking chills. Just as he’s about to let himself be sucked into sleep, his eyes fly open. Tomorrow. 6 AM. He’s supposed to go to the beach. There is no fucking way he is going to the beach.

He texts their group chat with trembling fingers.

hey im real sick i cant go tomorrow

There’s an immediate reply from Alex.

don’t fuckin do this man. we’re going.

A text from Simon.

you’ll feel better if you leave the house, you always do.

He sighs, cursing himself for using this shitty excuse so much now no one will take him seriously.

im serious i feel like trash

Alex answers immediately.

PETER. youre not sick youre being a pussy. we’re going to the fucking beach and we’re having a good time.

Simon responds.

chill alex.

if youre depressed thats fine but maybe consider coming still it might help.

i mean i’d feel better if you came

Peter groans.

im sick. like sick sick. like flu sick.

Alex shoots back quickly.

ok then what are your symptoms?

Peter rubs his eyes, trying to relieve some of the throbbing.

fever, chills, aches, cough, runny nose, headache, tired.

There’s a moment of silence and he places his phone on his bedside table with a sigh. He’s about to go under when his phone starts to buzz. Once. Twice. Three times. He swears, grabbing it. Three texts from Alex. The first is a screenshot of the symptom list that appears when you google “flu” which just happens to be in identical order.

you need to be more creative

seriously man im not letting you miss this. we planned this months ago. dont be a dick.

Finally, Ashlynn chimes in.

you dont need to lie p, its ok if you dont wanna come.

While Peter would like to further argue that he’s not in fact lying, he just doesn’t have the energy. At this point, it doesn’t matter what they think. He’s not going - who gives a shit why? He’s able to fall asleep almost immediately, but unfortunately, he doesn’t really stay asleep.

He wakes up about every 45 minutes, coughing or shivering or burning or all three. After his fourth or fifth jolt awake he can’t for the life of him seem to get any rest. Every time he’s about to drift off, another coughing fit explodes from his chest and leaves him trembling. He’s hot, but he’s not sweating, which he realizes vaguely must mean he’s dehydrated. As the night wears on and his condition continues to worsen, he wonders if he should call an uber to take him to the ER. He can’t afford it, not in the slightest, but he’s not sure he’s ever felt this terrible before. Somehow, he remembers there’s an old thermometer in the kitchen. An old roommate had bought it thinking it would work for deep frying but didn’t realize the range only spanned from 95 to 107.

He needs to take his temperature. See how serious this actually is. He can’t remember the last time he actually ran a fever, so he’s not sure if this is just par for the course or whether this level of misery is cause for alarm.

He stumbles into the kitchen, and for once he’s glad to live in such a god-awfully tiny studio. He lands heavily against the counter, and rummages through the drawer to find the small device. After what feels like an eternity, he manages to grab it with shaking hands, fumbling with the buttons for a moment before flipping on the small kitchen light.

He sticks it under his tongue, it feels like ice. He tries to coach himself on what he’s going to do. If it’s over 100, he’ll go to the hospital. No, that’s too low. 102?Still maybe too ambitious of a goal. It’s then he realizes he’s really just trying to justify what he’s going to do anyway - save himself an ER bill and stay in bed. He’s jerked out of his thoughts when the small device beeps and he removes it carefully from under his tongue.

The display flashes 103.2. He doesn’t really know what that means but after a quick google search it’s not exactly any clearer. It’s bad, but not bad enough to cause brain damage, supposedly. Fuck it, that’s good enough for him. He climbs shakily back into bed, the small excursion has left him absolutely exhausted.

He needs medicine. He knows that. Some tylenol at the very least, but if he can barely walk to the kitchen he doesn’t know how in hell he’s getting out the door, down the stairs, to the pharmacy, and back again. So, he’ll just have to live with it.

He spends the rest of the night in and out of half-sleep, each coughing fit seeming to drive the illness deeper into his lungs. His nose has started to run again, and each rub with the already-used tissue makes his poor sensitive nostrils burn in protest.

The next morning he wakes to the harsh, deafening drone of his apartment’s buzzer system. He cracks his eyes and checks the time. 6:42 AM. Whoever the fuck it is can wait, he’d like to suffer in peace. Still, as he tries to slip back into the sleep the buzzer continues to go off and after about five minutes, he sits up in bed, fighting the wave of dizziness that washes over him. He stumbles to the keypad and presses the button that opens the lobby door, and the buzzing finally - mercifully - ceases.

He grabs a t shirt from a pile on the floor and pulls on a pair of boxers - he doesn’t know if he’d be able to stand anything more with the way his fever is raging. He sits on the edge of his bed, trying to catch his breath, quickly breaking down into another awful fit of coughs. Just as he’s finished, he hears a heavy knock on the door. Sighing, he forces himself up, padding slowly over to the door, trying not to aggravate the dizziness any further. He pulls open the door and is confused to see not an overzealous delivery person, but his three friends.

He stares dumbly for a moment before a breath catches in his throat and he breaks into thick, wet coughs. He sniffles, wiping his nose with his wrist, before looking back up at them.

“What?” he mumbles, and there’s an awkward silence.

“Shit,” Alex finally says and Peter sniffles.

“What do you want?” he repeats, surprised at the hoarse, broken quality of his voice. Does he really sound that bad? Ashlynn pushes forward, wrapping him in a tight hug. She’s short, so her face is pressed into his chest, and he stumbles back slightly.

“Oh Peter,” she whispers, and he swallows, closing his eyes. She pulls away, and he has to force them open again. She she presses a hand to his forehead. Her palm feels cool but uncomfortable against his oversensitive skin. “You’re burning up.”

“I know,” he murmurs, wishing the conversation could be over so he can go lie down and not have to explain himself to his friends. He sighs, and narrowly avoids another coughing fit. “Are you gonna come in or you just all gonna stand there?” They exchange looks. “Well?”

Ashlynn pushes past him, followed by Simon and finally Alex. Peter shuts the door and tries his best not to look as fucked up as he feels walking to sit in one of his kitchen chairs.

“What do ya’ll want?” he asks Simon and Alex, Ashlynn already digging through the medicine cabinet.

“We don’t want anything we were just concerned,” Simon says.

“Then why do you look so fucking shocked?” Peter snaps, even though he knows Simon is only telling the truth.

“Because I was 100% sure you were bullshitting,” Alex says. Peter is far too tired to get into a verbal sparring match with Alex, but he tries halfheartedly anyway.

“Still sure?” before Alex can reply Ashlynn is back with a damp washcloth and the thermometer he’d used the night before. She lays the cloth on the back of his neck, and he can’t help the small whine that escapes.

“Open,” she says, and he does. She places the thermometer under his tongue gingerly, and strokes some of his hair off his forehead. “You don’t have anything? For this?” Peter shakes his head. She presses her lips into a line. “Simon and me are gonna go out and grab some stuff, ok?”

“That’s not necessary.” His voice is almost slurred with the fever, and as if on cue the thermometer beeps. Ashlynn frowns at the reading. She shakes her head.

“Christ, Peter.” She touches his forehead again, this time with the back of her hand. “103.6 and it’s not necessary?”

“I don’wanna be lectured.”

“I’m not lecturing.” She spends another moment fussing with his hair before getting up, grabbing Simon. “We’re going to get some stuff, we’ll be back. Alex, make sure he doesn’t die, ok?” It’s clear Alex is about to protest, but Ashlynn levels him with a glare. They leave, and then it’s just Peter and Alex.

Alex stands by the door, hands in his pockets. It’s a while before either of them speaks.

“What was I supposed to think?” he finally says, and Peter tries to swallow his anger.

“I don’t know, man.” He runs a hand through his greasy, sweat damp hair. He starts to shiver again, wrapping his arms around his torso. Alex takes a careful step forward.

“You get why I wouldn’t believe you, right?”

“Yes, Alex.” The chills are now back in full force, he’s sure he must be shaking like a leaf. He wants nothing more than this conversation to be over, but Alex doesn’t seem to be getting to message.

“You never get sick. Ever. So what am I-”

“I get it. It’s fine. Just...stop talking. Please.” He’s shaking so bad he can feel his teeth chattering. He pulls his knees to his chest. He closes his eyes, praying something - anything - will warm him up. He hears footsteps and fumbling, then feels a dry, warm blanket being tucked around his shoulders. He looks up, and Alex is standing there, eyebrows furrowed.

“Do you wanna lay down or something?” The thought of climbing back into his sweat damp sheets makes him cringe, so he shakes his head. “Why not?”

“S’gross, I sweat a ton.”

Alex nods.

“Right. What about the couch? You can lay on the couch and I can do your laundry.”

Getting horizontal sounds heavenly, so he nods, and Alex touches his shoulder, quickly pulling his hand back.

“What the fuck - dude, you’re like...on fire. Shit.” He tests the side of his neck and winces. “Fuck.”

“Can you just help me?” Peter is embarrassed at how small and sick his voice sounds, and the fact he’s asking Alex of all people for help, but he knows if he tries to do it on his own he’s going to fall and crack his skull.

“Yeah, yeah, of course.” He wraps an arm around Peter’s waist, and supports him the few feet to the couch. It’s not very far but his knees go weak about halfway there and he’s glad Alex is holding him. As soon as he gets onto the couch, he curls on his side and closes his eyes. “You’re ok?” Peter nods, and Alex pats his shoulder awkwardly. “Ok. Cool. Just...stay there, I guess.” Peter can hear him starting to strip the bed.

“I was maybe gonna go for a run,” he mumbles, and Alex laughs softly.

“Definitely. Then I’ll enroll at NYU for my bachelor’s.”

“You’re just jealous you don’t have all my debt.”

“You’re right. I’ve been trying to rack up some credit card bills but so far no luck.”

Peter opens his eyes to see Alex with the bundle of sheets in his arms and the bottle of detergent. He pauses for a second, shifting from foot to foot.

“I’m sorry,” he says, and Peter swallows hard.

“I know man, it’s ok.” Alex smirks.

“Alright. Don’t die while I’m gone.”

#sickfic #oc fic #sick fic #sickfics #illness kink #snz #snz kink #fever #my writing #oc peter #oc alex #oc ashlynn #oc simon #this is probably part one lets be honest

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fairycosmos · 5 years ago

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I have my finale exam tomorrow and I'm 99,9% sure that I'll fail. I feel like such a failure right now. I could retake the school year but why I understand the school work then, if I don't understand it now. I'll probably stay unemployed forever, because I'm so anxious at job interviews and I literally don't know how to talk to people. Maybe it'd be the best if I didn't exist because nothing would change if wasn't here anyway. I wouldn't be missed and I know I will never be happy anyway.

hey dude, listen. it sounds a bit like you’re spiraling right now and i really think it’d do you some good to just take a step back and breathe. i hope the test went okay, and by okay i hope i mean you got through it, because that’s literally all you can ask of yourself. it’s natural to be nervous about such things and if you’re also struggling with mental illness on top of that, it’s easy to get lost in the heaviness of that anxiety. making big unfounded assumptions about your future, feeling a sense of doom, thinking in black and whites instead of recognizing the nuance and middle ground - all of those are red flags, not reliable thought processes that you need to build your life around. it’s okay to process negative emotions, to be upset and to feel overwhelmed and to want to give up at at times. we all need to break down a little when we’re overwhelmed so we can let some of that pent up tension out. but that should look like allowing yourself to cry, reaching out to those around you, getting some rest, and removing yourself from situations that exacerbate the pain when possible. not harming yourself in hopes of dulling those emotions, because that’s how you get stuck in a cycle of self destruction that is more suffocating than just confronting the pain and trying to let it go. look, you’re young and life is generally a lot longer than it seems when you’re in school, in the sense that we learn how resilient we are over and over again. we’re supposed to ‘mess up.’ things go ‘wrong ’and then we carve our paths out of that, and we adapt. whether we realize it or not. you’ve done it before, and you can do it again. if it turns out you have to retake the school year, then with the extra time and maybe additional support from your teachers, the school work may become a little clearer if you give it the chance and try out new learning techniques to find what works for you. that doesn’t make you a failure at all. you clearly care a lot about your future, and you’ve already made so much more progress than you realize. i know it doesn’t seem like it in this moment. but seriously, whatever happens, after the initial disappointment and frustration, you WILL be able to return to a sense of normality. the extent of how much it hurts right now is not permanent. there’s truly no set time schedule for education, no matter how much they want to convince us otherwise. you just have to do what you can with what you’ve been given. that’s more than good enough. you’re more than good enough. and about job interviews - try to slow down. there’s absolutely no evidence that you will be unemployed forever, in fact it’s very unlikely, and your worth/future happiness doesn’t rely on that factor anyway. honestly, i’ve been to a few job interviews by now and i’ve always thought the same thing about myself. especially when i was in school, i thought i knew, that there was no way i could handle it, no way anyone would take me on. and they are uncomfortable and nerve wracking, sure. but they’re also not the beginning and end of the world. nobody is expecting you to be the worlds best talker especially when you’re new to the whole thing. it’s about showing your enthusiasm and your skillset, and if you dont believe you have one, you do. you just cant see it because you dont like yourself right now. i’ve been rejected from jobs too, and yeah it’s a dig at the self esteem, but it’s not a personal failure. it’s just the nature of applying for a position that loads of other people are also applying for. you learn to accept it. but you don’t even have to carry that weight yet, love. so try to recognize what your brain is doing by bombarding you with worries that are entirely out of your control, and that there is no actual proof of. more than anything, it’s important to remember that school nor your career defines everything that you are. we’re taught from a young age that we only deserve to be here if we’re ‘useful’ by capitalist standards, if we can justify the space we take up. but it’s a fucking lieeeeee. raising us like that is the only way to get us to work work work without questioning it too much. it’s got nothing to do with you and everything to do with the world being a soul sucking machine. so, relax. you deserve to be here and you deserve to be gentle with yourself, nothing changes that. not tests or the future or your self hatred. i know it’s hard to believe that such concepts apply to you, but they do. nothing and nobody would be better off without you, i promise. when you’re in a dark place it’s only normal to believe that you’ll never be happy, but it’s really not the case in reality. happiness is an emotion that comes and goes like all else, and it is entirely possible for it to become a consistent theme in your life. that is, if you’re able to make it through this part. if you’re able to try to engage in healthier coping mechanisms so that you see your situation from multiple perspectives, rather than just from a one dimensional ‘things will never get better’ stand point. even if you just have to survive hour by hour, until you get there.

i’d really recommend considering talking to someone about what’s happening in your head right now, man. i know that’s not what you want to hear and part of you will want to immediately write it off, but try to pause and keep it in the back of your mind. whether it’s a teacher, a parent/family member, a school counselor, a mental health hotline, a friend, your doctor - there are so many people out there who have the tools to help you learn to manage. and it doesn’t matter if the process is slow or non linear, or if you have to force the words out. all that matters is that you try. whatever that means to you, even if some days it’s just staying in your room and breathing through it. you can recognize that not wanting to be here any more is an unhealthy thought, indicating that there is a lot more going on beneath the surface, yeah? it’s alright to talk about that and to let others in. our mental health is often just as fragile as our physical health and sometimes it needs medical intervention in order to be adequately supported, and that’s totally fine. yeah, opening up is embarrassing and yeah it’s not something anyone ‘wants’ to do, but it’s often very necessary, because it’ll allows people to be able to relate with and guide you. please consider your own needs and know that there is no shame in speaking up. even if you have to take some time to find the courage. honestly, you don’t even need to go into great detail. a simple ‘i need help and i’m not sure what to do’ is a great place to start with someone you trust, or someone who is in a position to help you. anyway, i’m sorry this got super long. navigating school is fuckin difficult at the best of times, and i’m infinitely proud of you for making it to this point and for being able to articulate your feelings like this to me. i have no doubt that you will be able to get through this if you give yourself the time and the tools do so. and i dont say that lightly at all. try to ground yourself for now, and start again tomorrow. if you want to talk about this properly or if you ever need a friend, my dms/inbox will be open. take care. focus on one day at a time.

#anon

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