#sometimes i realize i never really talk about howard . i guess it just feels obvious? or like redundant?

[lipsticklens]

🤍 and 🐚 for whoever you'd like!!! :D

♡ heart-shaped-reagent-vial

🤍 : how did you first meet your f/o? what made you realize you were falling in love with them? what made them realize they were falling in love with you?

i should add a disclaimer that my selfship with howard is based around me being/kinning vince! in case any of you have seen the show and recognize our lovestory, lol

we first met when he interviewed me for a job at the zoo! i thought he was pretty cute... he thought i looked confusing and couldn't tell if i was a man or a woman :D but he convinced me to quit art school in order to work with him at the zoo, so i guess he was pretty down bad for me ♡

i'd say i was attracted to him from the beginning, but when i really started to fall in love... hmm, that's really hard to pin down. honestly, i can't think of any one moment ;; i went from being into him purely on a physical level to genuinely having feelings for him.

howard only realized he was in love with me when i kissed him for the first time! and that was the night we got together. <(˶ᵔᵕᵔ˶)> heehee

🐚 : do you give each other gifts often? what's your favorite thing they've given you? what's their favorite thing you've given them?

i get little trinkets for howard pretty often! just whenever i see something random out and about that makes me think of him - knickknacks, new stationary he's never tried before, pretty much anything related to jazz. he always says they're just cheap nonsense, but i always see them carefully organized on his shelves later. (*＾＾*)

[mcu-fan-fics-blog]

The Helping Hand

This is a Repost from my Ao3 I wanted to bring it to Tumblr. I hope you like it Its currently 5 chapters I will be uploading the rest throughout the rest of the week.

Word Count: 3300 approx

Summary: Y/N Krast Illegitimate Daughter of Tony Stark. Product of an unwanted teen pregnancy. What would Howard Stark be capable of doing to assure his sons future? What will happen when Tony meets our Beautiful, young, genius, rich philanthropist.

Tw: Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Drug use, Drug addiction, Teen Pregnancy. (If there are any I missed please tell me.)

Ch.4

Chapter 5: Age of Ultron pt.2

Ch.6

"Y/N you can't keep coming in and not talking." Your therapist tells you quite frustrated. "I'm paying you aren't I, I'll do what I please with the time I pay for." You say finally making eye contact with her. She only sighs. "Y/N I find that often people ask for help in the most obvious yet concealed manner."

You turn away, she continues. "You said it yourself you're paying me… If you don't want me to ask these questions, walk out and stop paying me." You look back "I can't… because I feel like I might just explode at any point." She nods encouraging you to continue. 

"Recently I went through something that combined with all the other shit i've gone through… I can't cope. I don't know how." You wipe your eyes and continue. "I've never been stable, but i've always been okay with that. I've never lost anyone in a traumatic way." Your therapist lifts their head. "Who have you lost?"

"I never knew my parents so I didn't really lose them. I knew that Howard was going to pass and I got closure." She jumps in when she realizes you stopped talking. "And what makes this loss different?" You look at her with a tear rolling down your cheek. "The fact that it was my fault."

Three Weeks Ago 

Wanda speaks first "I read your mind and all I saw was destruction." He promptly asked her to check again. He then goes on to have some sort of existential crisis not knowing what he actually is. I didn't really start to listen until Clint mentioned where Nat was… Sokovia. You immediately got pale once you heard what Ultron was planning to do with Sokovia. "I need to make a call" you say mostly to yourself but Pietro heard you. 

No one noticed you stepped out of the room but him. "Who do you think you're calling?" You jump as he sped in front of you. "I need to warn my family they need to get out." Pietro only laughs "Forgive me but you don't seem like one to have family much less in Sokovia of all places. Why don't you just tell me the truth"

"Im aware you might not know me but I'm Y/N Krast… I run the practice I need to warn my friends.  They'll spread the word and start an evac." He sighs. "You need to tell the rest of the guys. It might not be the best move." You nod and walk back into the room there all in. Tony notices you and walks straight to you fearing the Maximoff kid did something to you. 

"Did he do anything kiddo because if he did I swear to…" you cut him off. "Im fine but I need to ask you something." He nods telling you to proceed. "Can I warn my friends back in Sokovia? They can help get the people out of there." Tony looks at you and nods. "I guess it can't hurt to take some precautions. Do it." You smile and walk out the room Dialing David immediately. 

"Y/N are you okay, it's like three in the morning." You're relieved to hear his voice. "Listen to me David, you need to get as many people as you can out of Sokovia. The people are in danger." Davud sighs "Are you having another melt down remember breathe. In and out…" 

"David this is not a game, you have to get as many people as you can out now… Tell Viv too she needs to get her family out. Do as I say David please the people will listen to you." David starts talking again, the panic rising in his voice. "Y/N what do you know… more importantly how do you know?" You raise your voice. "FOR ONCE IN YOUR LIFE DON'T QUESTION ME! Just do it." 

David, shocked by your reaction shifts his tone. "I'll do my best. I need to go." He hangs up not even giving you a chance to say goodbye. (This is what you'll end up regretting later.) 

"You truly care for these people… your family or friends." You look up and see the last person you expected. The witch is standing there in the doorway. "Yes, I do care, Wanda because believe it or not we're not all bad people." The comment came out more spiteful than you expected wincing at your own words. You're about to apologize when she beats you to it. "I'm sorry about earlier." She looks down picking at her hands. 

You sit down on the steps facing a window and signal for her to sit as well. She joins you reluctantly. "I'm not going to bite." You say. Drawing out a small laugh that made your heart flutter. "Did you see inside my head?" You ask. Her head tilts at your question, but ultimately she shakes her head. "Yeah it happens sometimes I can't control it." You nod. "For the record I dont think youre a bitch. Well I did in the moment…" she cuts you off laughing. "I believe the words you used were 'Crazy Bitch'." You chuckle. 

"We should get going…" You stand, helping her up and go to the team. “I contacted my friend David, and I texted my… other friend Viv. They’ve started evacuating people as we speak.” Tony nods and gives you an understanding look. “Now what's our plan to save Nat.” Steve goes on to explain his plan which consists of getting as many people as we could out then fighting Ultron. Once you arrived in Sokovia the streets were desolate. Not a soul in sight.

Pietro gazes in astonishment. “Your friends are good.” You nod relieved seeing that David and Viv did what you asked. “Well check if there are any people left behind…” Wanda cuts in. You weren't given the time to check for any last bystanders when she city starts shaking, and there are bots everywhere. You realize that Sokovia is flying. Tony then informs you of Ultrons plans. You all split up fighting the bots and Bruce made his way to Nat. Not long after Hulk and Natasha had made their way to the now floating Sokovia. Long story short the bad guy was defeated, and all was right in the world again.

Present 

“Alright Doc, have you been following this I know first hand it can be a little complicated.” She nods as you continue. “Well my friends, not the Avengers. Umm… their names were David, and Vivian.” She notices your struggle to continue but you power through the tears building in your eyes. “You see, saving the world came at a price, a price that I was willing to pay, but not like this. I got to the compound, and dialled David and what did I find?” She tells you to continue. “Five… Five missed calls from David telling me that he was going to stay behind in the Practice with Viv.” Tears are now streaming down your cheeks. “Now I imagine that you know what happened to Sokovia ‘Boom’.” You signal with our hands telling her that it was all gone.

Suddenly a timer goes off and your walls are up again. “Y/N you can continue if you want to, I don't…” You interrupt her standing up and heading to the door. “Actually I think that, that was enough for today.” You say walking out. It was confirmed both David and Viv dead… and it was all because of you. After this you distanced yourself. Declining Maria Hills offer to become an Avenger, and also walking away from the Stark Industries collaboration. Unfortunately falling down a deeper hole than you'd ever been in with our addiction. When walking out of the office building your shrink is in when you bump into someone.... 

“Long time no see Y/N!” You recognize the voice immediately. “I saw you following me last week, as a matter of fact i've spotted you multiple times Natasha.” She laughs, and you roll your eyes. “Now why are you mad Y/N what did you think would happen? You ghosted everyone after Sokovia, why are you angry?” You sigh and start walking away but she stops you. “Because you were right Natasha there was a cost to this and it's taking quite the toll.” Natasha lets go of your arm confused “What are you talking about everything came out great.” you laugh bitterly “For almost everyone else oh and feel free to tell Pepper than I'm not taking her calls no matter how hard she insists.”

“Does this have anything to do with the drugs Y/N because if it does I know some people that can help you.” The way she says it almost makes you believe that she cares, but at the end of the day you know she had orders. You look at her incredulously walking away again, this time she doesnt stop you.  

Natashas POV

“Well if you're not going to tell me guess i'm going to have to find out the hard way.” You walk into the building Y/N just came out of and make your way to the Shrink's office. You not so nicely asked for Y/N’s file. As youre reading the file you remember her words bitter and angry “For almost everyone…” Now it makes sense her friends died and no one was there for her. Fuck. You pick up the phone and dial Pepper. “I know what's going on. Call a meeting in the compound and I'll get there in thirty minutes.”  

You meet up with everyone at the compound. You share the files with the team and everyone is shocked talking with each other until you notice Wanda. She doesn't look surprised. You pull her aside. "Why are you being quiet? What do you know about Y/N." She sighs "It was an accident alright when we came back I looked into her head. She looked so happy I was curious… When I looked she was grieving, tearing herself apart." 

You look at her. "And you said nothing you let us believe that she just didn't care." She laughs. "She doesn't! She doesn't want your help, she made that quite clear already. The one person she thought that she could count on was some guy named Logan." You querk your head, was she jealous, are you jealous. You shake your head. "What else did you see?" Your ask casually. Testing the waters you didn't want to expose Y/N but you have to know what she knew. 

"Was there something else I was supposed to see?" You shake your head no, and make your way back to the team. There's fighting over who should talk to her. "I think Tony should go…" Steve says like it's nothing. You almost laugh. Tony gives you a dirty look. "I think pepper should go." You say matter of factly. She asks you to elaborate. "She cares for you the most, but she is angry not at you in general." She nods and everyone else agrees for lack of a better idea. 

Peppers Pov 

You walk out of the compound with Tony by your side. "You can come if you want to." Your say to break the silence. He shakes his head. "When are you going to tell her that you're her father." He only sighs "I can't tell her… I can't ruin Howard for her because she loved him." You quickly counter "It's going to be worse the longer you wait." You continue "The only reason I didn't push before was because you weren't sure but now you are Tony she's your daughter." 

"That's exactly why I can't tell her now she's dealing with a lot. It's not a good time." You nod "Fine." Is all you can say. You walk into Krast industries expecting to be greeted by a busy work floor but are surprised when you see the exact opposite. You do see a familiar face though commandeering the floor. Logan. "Hey logan how are you? I'm hoping I could talk to Y/N." Logan stops in his tracks. 

"What do you mean if i've seen her? I thought she was with you guys." He says the panic growing in his voice. "Umm… no she's not been with us for a couple of weeks now. Are you sure you haven't seen her and what's going on here." 

Logans Pov 

Of course you knew where she was, but you weren't about to tell them. "Yeah no I've talked to her on the phone I just figured she was with your guys." Pepper is still confused about what is happening. "She asked me to get ready for major remodel… all our employees will work from home for the time being." She nods. "Do you know where I could find her? I really need to talk to her." Well that's not going to happen now. Seen as she's currently passed out on your couch. 

"She might be at home… She does this sometimes. She runs, but i'll give you her address if you really want to talk to her."

Your Pov 

After running into Natasha you went to a bar. A complete rookie move. You knew better, but at the same time you didn't care you've been loading up taking a larger doses and mixing with alcohol. You called Logan to come pick you up and he was there like always. "I can't lose you Logan, I wouldn't survive it. Why does everyone I love die?" He holds his tongue you can tell. "Tell me what you're thinking it's not good to hold your emotions in…" He laughs bitterly. "You think I'd survive losing you Y/N this feeling goes both ways. You're blind to my pain Y/N seeing you like this hurts me it shakes me to my core."

"I'm not blind to your pain… I know you better than I know myself. I'm going to therapy, and before you say it i'm actually talking this time. I'm getting help." He nods "Every step of the way that includes relapsing. Y/N just don't make me lose you." You nod tears building in your eyes. "I won't." 

When you wake up you're in Logan's apartment it's nice. Your head is pounding. You decide to go home… in hindsight that was a horrible idea. You have no idea where you are and also have no idea where you're going.  "Fuck… taxi, TAXI." 

They dont fucking stop you dont blame them you look like trash, hell you feel like it too. You make it to a coffee shop and just sit there. Waiting for what you don't know at least not until the owner comes around. "I don't want to have to kick you out but it's nearing closing time, want me go call a cab." 

You laugh "See id say yes and please but I don't remember where I live." He nods feeling bad for you. "Having a bad day, want to talk about it?" You sigh “I would, but sadly my opening up to complete strangers quota is full for the day.” They laugh handing you some coffee. “It 'll help you sober up, So what is it? Alcohol, meth, let me guess pills.” You widen your eyes. “Don't worry, I'm not judging I meet people of all walks of life.” You nod. “Do you mind if I make a call my friend is probably worried sick.” He hands you his phone and you dial Logan (the only number you know by heart.) “Y/N where are you ive been worried sick. Why did you leave?” 

“I went out for coffee you know to sober up faster I needed air.” He sighs “Can you make your way back or do you want me to pick you up?” You turn from the barista person in front of you. “Um I want to go home but I can't for the life of me remember my address.”  David gives you your address and calls you a cab. You thank him and end the call. “So it looks like I'm heading home in a minute the taxi won't take long.” He smiles reaching his hand out to take their phone back. “I’ll see you around probably…” You nod "probably not.” You say hesitantly, and he laughs. You Are interrupted by the taxi honking its horn. “I hope to see you around by the way. I'm Zack Gordon.” your smile drops immediately. 

You compose yourself before he notices your change in attitude. You plaster on a fake smile and make your way out turning one last time. “We’ll see each other around Zack.” He smiles. The whole cab ride was silent, you're contemplating fate. What are the fucking odds of all the cafe’s you could have walked into you walked into his. When you least expect it you’re in front of your house. You walk in and immediately notice something off. You walk into your living room only to see someone sitting in the dark. You know who it is immediately. “Always with the theatrics, it's starting to get old. Would you like something to drink.” She sighs “Y/N I want to talk.”  You sit clapping your hands causing the lights in the house to turn on.

“Right Pepper talk, i'm listening” Her eyes widen, showing her confusion. “Look, I'm not angry with our team or you, but I just have some crap to deal with… Alone.” Pepper looks down. “You don't have to go through this alone, you have us now.” Your eyes bolt to hers. “And how exactly do you know what i'm going through… You know what I don't need to know because it doesn't matter.” you sigh “I’ve gone through life alone. I dealt with the punches life has thrown my way by myself. This won't be the exception.” You see Peppers complexion turn red, she's angry. “Why can't you stop making yourself a martyr, talk about dealing with children? You and Tony are the only ones who can make me this irritated.”

“Because I'm broken Pepper and before Natasha or Wanda decide to tell you I'm an addict. Everything is wrong right now so I need to take a step away, I need to get clean.” Peppers eyes soften moving to sit next to you. “You know i'm not leaving your side right?” Your eyes begin to water. “I relapsed… it's bad Pepper. I've never fallen this hard and I'm scared.” She hugs you. “I’ve never had this… people who really care it was just Logan and I.  As of recently it was David, Viv, and I. Now I lost them and I can't. I can't sleep, I can't breathe, and I'm so tired Pepper I don't know how much more of this I can take.” 

“Okay come on Y/N let's get you to your room.” You and Pepper stand on your way up the stairs and you start to stumble. “I’m sorry you have to see me like this. I am very sorry I drank coffee to sober up but it didn't work.” She nods “It’s okay we’ll talk about it tomorrow.” You both finally make it to your room and as soon as your head hits the pillow you fall asleep.

When you wake up you are surprised by your surroundings you didn't quite remember how you got here. You sit up and hear chattering downstairs. You go down stairs, the memories of last night making their way to you now. THE AVENGERS HAVING BREAKFAST IN YOUR KITCHEN. You watch as thor brakes your plates making you flinch. “As much as I appreciate your enthusiasm I dont think Y/N would appreciate us breaking her plates.” you clear your throat and as you do everyone goes quiet. “Good Morning everyone.”

[laukora1030]

Captain America: The First Avenger pt. 1

First off, spoilers if you’ve never seen the movies and you want to. And, english IS NOT my first language, so excuse me if I make mistakes.

I guess I should start by saying that this is my favorite movie of the trilogy. Steve might not be my favorite character, but this is the perfect origin story for the character he was supposed to be before the Russo brothers destroyed his character arc. 

Before I go head first into the movie, I should talk a little bit with what I already know and remember of both Steve and the movie.

It angers me that people made Steve to be some type of saint when he’s always been quite the selfish guy. And I don't mean that in the “I’m the only one that matters and everything I want I should have” type of way, I mean it mostly, centering on this movie, with how everything he wishes he could have he does illegal things to get it. Looking at you, Steve lying on his application forms several times. And the problem is, he gets what he lied for. I will not take it away from him, he is extremely persevering, but I don’t think getting a reward after doing illegal things to get it, is the best thing that could happen to him, because after that he believes that he can do anything without repercussion. That’s not how the real world works for most of us. Now, onto the movie.

I love the beginning scene. I don’t really know why, I just happen to love it. I mean the scene where they find the plane. It's eerie, I think that’s why I love it so much. I enjoy this scene so much because of this phrase: “This one’s waited long enough.” When they find the shield, I like to believe it was a light of hope for humanity. I’m talking about that universe. It’s sad to know that Howard was already dead when they found the one thing he spent his entire life searching for, but I like to believe that, at least to the people who knew he was alive (aka SHIELD) finding Captain America’s shield was, hopeful, for a lack of better words.

I really like the scene in Norway, where we first see the villain of the story, Redskull. I think he is perhaps one of my favorite villains in the MCU, because he has ambitions, and he’s not a fucking idiot (looking at you, Thanos). Johann Schmidt was a well written character, in my opinion, and to learn his fate for such ambition, I think it was both a good ending and a good punishment. This scene shows how intelligent he is, and not only that, how much he knows about the universe, which, admittedly isn’t much as it could have been in the present, but it was so much knowledge to have in the 40s. I wonder though, how did he find out about the Tesseract, and how did the Tesseract end up on Earth. Isn’t it supposed to be something of incredible power? He was observant and analytical, and no one can take that away from him. Sometimes I wonder what would have happen of he was a Nazi double agent, or if he worked for the Allies, because he was such an intelligent person. 

One thing I NEED to mention before anything else is that I loath HYDRA’s symbol. That’s not a fucking hydra you dweebs, that’s an octopus with two extremities. Who exactly was the dumbass who designed the logo? I just wanna talk.

Meeting smol Steve is fucking hilarious to me, because he has such a thick(?) voice, and you have this tiny thing that, with just one look, makes you wonder if he can actually walk more than just 10 meters. And then they go and tell you every single way he can die, and, damn, I’m surprised he lived that long before getting the serum. He could have died in 12 different ways (I count them) and still wanted to enlist. Gotta give it to Tiny Steve, he was one persisting motherfucker, but God, I hate it sometimes. 

I get that Steve wished to serve just like his father did, but didn’t he understand that trying to get on the Army was just pure selfishness? I’m talking about how, had he’d been accepted, he could have gotten an asthma attack in the middle of the battle, putting everyone else in his battalion (I have no idea if that’s what they’re called, please correct me if I’m wrong). He wanted to be part of the battle, to be able to help, but fighting wasn’t everything. I really think it’s incredibly selfish to do something you know will put others in danger. He’s one brave motherfucker, and I have to give him that, but putting others in dangers crosses the line between brave and stupid. His “I can do this all day” used to be so endearing to me, if I’m being honest. I thought it was brave that he would fight for what he believed in, blame the Russos for my hate for it. 

James Buchanan Barnes was a hot piece of shit. Look at him in his military suit, gorgeous. I love the Jersey slander. Why do people hate Jersey? That’s a legit question, I’d love an answer. I think Steve, as much as he loved Bucky, was at least a bit envious of him. Steve wanted to be in the Army, on the 107th, on the front lines, fighting for the innocents, yet he couldn’t because he was born a weakling boy. Yet here you have his best friend, James Barnes, a tall strong man, who clearly got accepted in the Army, who was stationed on the 107th, and was being sent to England. Bucky was everything Steve wasn’t at the moment, and I can’t help but think Steve was jealous of his best friend, no matter how much he loved him. 

Howard Stark is a bitch and y’all can’t change my mind. He was a genius in his time, that much is obvious, and the flying car is extremely cool, even if it didn’t work, but he, unlike Tony, loved the spotlight, he loved to be seen and noticed. And yeah, he came from a poor family, and he became a self made millionaire, but his entire life he was what Tony used to be. I’m glad Tony changed, even if it was because he almost died. I guess I cannot blame him, because there’s a part of me that gets that need for attention and for the spotlight when I do something that might change my life. 

I pity Tiny Steve. He wanted to be so much more than he was, and he knew that it would probably not happen because of his medical conditions. I, once again, get why he was so stubborn with getting into the army. When you want something so hard and realize that you will definitely not get it because of the conditions you were born into, it becomes an obsession and there is a deep desire of doing what you can’t. I guess we’re the same that way. 

I know he says that his wish of being part of the army isn’t about him, because “there are men laying their lives down”, but it is about him. His entire personality up to this point in the movie is “I cannot be what I wish to be, so I’ll do anything, and I mean anything, in my hands to get it.” Steve is not a bad man, he just wishes he was so much more than he is, and I guess that’s exactly why Erskine chose him. A young naïve man, who would do anything to get what he wants? It was way too easy, and if I had been looking for the same thing Erskien was looking for, I would’ve definitely gone for Steve. But Bucky knew. He knew that Steve was so manipulable, that he would do anything to get what he wanted, even stuff that wasn’t good for him. I think that’s where the “Don't do anything stupid until I get back” phrase comes from.

Erskine knew how easy it would be to manipulate Steve. He knew exactly what words to choose, how to act like a “nice man” to get him to open up. I don’t doubt that Erskine was a good man, but this was war, and we just tend to forget that at war, everything is legal, even, apparently, pardoning 5 illegal enlistment forms because the man who did them was the perfect rat lab for an experiment that by all means shouldn’t have gone according to plan. I believe that is the only reason Steve didn’t end up in jail. 

Just a comment, I like the change in audio when Schmidt took the Tesseract out of its box. I feel like it’s the perfect way to show you that this thing is really something from legends, not just a mere object created by mortals. 

I wonder how similar Zola’s and Erskine’s investigations are? Do they say it in the movie later on? I guess I’ll find out. 

Unlike every single scientist in SHIELD, Zola was a complete genius. I guess that’s why he could infiltrate HYDRA into SHIELD for years before Steve realized. If you remember Avengers, no one was able to both understand and stabilize the Tesseract, meanwhile Zola wasn’t just able to stabilize it, he was able to use it to power every single one of his weapons. It wasn’t really a surprise when the SSR recruited him.

Peggy Carter is a motherfucking queen, and whoever says anything slightly different can come fight me behind a Denny’s. She is one of my fictional role models because she just won’t take shit from men, especially assholes like Hodge. She’s beauty, she’s grace, she’ll punch you in the face. I thank God for the creation of Peggy Carter and Hayley Atwell, everybody please say thank you. Awoman. But no, seriously, Peggy Carter isn’t only a badass, she fought for her place in the Army, she knows she deserves to be there, and she won’t take shit from others because that is her rightful place. We stan.

Just stating something. Phillips reaction to Steve is fucking hilarious. He was expecting the “best man” and he got a child who is clearly 4’11. 

One thing I will never take away from Steven Grant Rogers is how persisting he is. It’s admirable how he doesn’t let anything get to him. Not the other idiots bullying him, not Phillips clearly not believing in him, not his boss (how is that guy called? Like, what’s his title?). He keeps on fighting, because he knows he can do it. I like that of him. He is also extremely intelligent. Not Howard Stark or Arnim Zola intelligent, but he looks for a creative way out of problems. I love that way of thinking. The whole flag scene is perhaps one of my favorites in the MCU, and definitely my favorite in the movie.  And I love how proud Peggy is of him. 

Can we please talk about how quick Peggy was to go to the fake grenade? Like, of course Steve was gonna go for it, he made it very clear in the end of this movie that he is willing to lay down his life to save others, so I wouldn’t have expected anything less than throwing himself at the grenade. But we tend to overlook how Peggy was just as willing to do so. I honestly had forgotten how much I admired Tiny Steve. Like, yeah, his need to go to war was kind of selfish, but he still was ready to just die to save others, and not everyone is. I love the Steve from this movie. I honestly think this was the exact moment Peggy Carter understood the value of Steve Rogers. Like, of course she knew he was intelligent and persistent and persevering, but I think it’s this exact moment when he sees him as more than a soldier. 

Erskine chose the perfect person for the experiment. I’m not talking about the manipulative bit from before. I seriously mean it. The serum was supposed to enhance everything, and he chose a rather selfless, amiable man, who would not hesitate to use his newfound strength to save others from death and destruction. Steve was the perfect person, no doubt. 

I wonder what Steve felt in Avengers when he was fighting gods. I wonder if he remembered Erskine talking about how Schmidt thought all these myths were real.

“Not a perfect soldier but a good man”, said by Erskine to Steve, reminds me deeply of “Do not waste your life”, which is what Yinsen said to Tony. In the end, Steve went back to being a good man. (I’m not even gonna touch the whole time travel thing).

Schmidt was supposed to be the head of the research “branch” of the Nazis. Then how did he become the head of a whole organization. We know, or at least this is what I was told in world history some years ago, that Hitler was great giving speeches and convincing people, which is how he won so much power to begin with. So, does that mean that Schmidt is way better at that than Hitler? Or did he kill enough people to make others join HYDRA, and when they saw all the power they could have they stayed there and gathered more people for the group (is that a correct word to use?)

Steven Grant Rogers has no fucking idea of how to talk to women. I’m honestly not surprised, the only woman he interacted with before Peggy was the girl Bucky set him up with at the beginning, but bitch, ya kidding me? Really gonna tell Peggy you’ve no idea why she joined the army because “she’s beautiful”? Poor choice of words. At least Peggy didn’t get completely mad. 

The code to get in is stupid as fuck. I’m sorry, I had to say it. Sounds like they watched a movie and that was in it and they were like “you know what would be a great code for a secret lab? Talking about the weather and saying you always carry an umbrella.” Pure genius, who’s idea was it? They need a raise. Morons. 

I like how everyone is surprised with Steve when he gets in. And of course, the senator saying “somebody get that kid a sandwich” is a whole mood. 

This experiment should not have work. I have no idea how long it took Erskine to perfect it, but by all means this looks impossible. Then again, in the future Steve will deal with gods, but still, his chances of survival were really slim to none. And, we saw it with Banner, this should not have gone as good as it did. But it did. I really wonder why. 

So, the serum is supposed to enhance everything, right? It enhanced his height, his weight, his muscles. But what exactly happened to his diseases? Shouldn’t they have been enhanced too? Or was there something on the serum that was created precisely to erase every sort of disease or create an immunity to each one of them? There is no physical way someone as weak and sick as Steve could have survived that. 

Hot reveal, hot reveal, hot reveal!

Erskine’s death scene is a big parallel to Yinsen’s death scene. I will not take criticism. Let’s be real for a moment. Tony and Steve have a lot of similar traits, they just let them drive them in different ways. This scene specifically is one of the ways they’re the same. The pure anger Steve feels in this moment is what drives him to follow the other man, because Erskine died in his arms. Same goes to Tony, but I’ll get into that when I get to Iron Man (at this pace I’m never gonna make it). But yeah, Steve was driven to fight even harder because of the death of a friend. I guess this is what makes him break the rules and go for Bucky later on, because he is not willing to lose another friend. 

In other news, I cannot believe Peggy Carter is the only person in the army to have a nice shot. Like, what the fuck? But also, we stan a queen.

Note to self, I hate HYDRA, but I love the small one-person submarine the spy uses. It’s cool. 

I still hate whoever designed the HYDRA logo. Who was it? I just wanna talk about your stupidity. It makes me irrationally angry. 

Going back to Schmidt. Erskine mentioned that him and Hitler were friends, but Hitler was the face of the Nazis, so Schmidt, full of envy, jealousy and ambition, had to become The Red Skull. He wanted everything, and he betrayed his friend to do so. Still better reasons than Thanos. 

I never really did like Phillips. He was an ass. He wasn’t mean or condescending to Peggy, which is a lot because, after all, Peggy is still a woman in the 40s, but he always treated Steve like he wasn’t a valuable asset, and that is not good. I get it, he wasn’t his first option for the experiment, but he didn’t have to be such an ass. 

Something completely out of topic. Why is it written Colonel but pronounced “kernel”. America, explain. 

I find it hilarious that Big Steve was so desperate to do something with his life, especially now that he had the physical strength to do so, that, in that desperation, he accepted something he didn’t even want. This is what I mean when I say Steve is manipulable. His desire to be someone in life gets him to extremes such as becoming the government’s monkey. 

Another question. Was Steve ever really made a Captain? Like, I don’t even know if he completed bootcamp, let alone become a private. So how, pray tell, did they make him a Captain when he didn’t have a training for it? Or was the title of Captain just for his shows? Please, if someone has answers, I would love to hear them. 

Steve is the most awkward human being in the 40s. Also, love the song, whoever wrote it, I salute you. Honestly I feel a little bad for him. He was doing something he didn’t like, and while it was for a good reason (bonds, for those who’re wondering), it’s never nice when people make you do stuff you’re not comfortable with. I love the dancers’ suits, they’re beautiful and the girls all look gorgeous. But Steve, oh dear, he looks hilarious. 

He was doing something good, perhaps not what he expected to do, but he was making the Americans livelier, and children looked up to him. I don’t know you, but if that wasn’t good I really don’t know what is. Also, can we notice how, the longer he did it, the more elaborated his show became? I have no idea how long he did this, but clearly it was at least a year if he got to have confetti and bikes and all the paraphernalia.

Who’s idea was to send him to perform in front of soldiers? Like, really, who went “you know exactly what will make soldiers happier? A dancing man with a pretty title”. No one can be that stupid, yet people always surprise me. 

Note to self, buy red boots like Steve, cause they’re not only emblematic but extremely cool. I need them.

Going back to the movie. I love Steve’s drawing, because it’s the perfect representation of what he is at the moment, a dancing monkey. Peggy Carter is more than just a physically strong woman. She’s intelligent, capable, courageous, and not only that, she is a damn great friend. She knows exactly the words Steve needs to hear, and I believe she knew they’d have more impact if they came from the one person who didn’t judge him in the past. 

For the longest time, it was always Steve and Bucky. Their friendship went on to the 2020s, and his face when he learned that most of the 107th, Bucky’s platoon (is that the word? Am I using it right?) had been kidnapped or killed, well, I would have done something illegal too if I’d just found out that my best friend was kidnapped or killed. I get his pain. 

I had not forgotten about fondue, but the scene is so freaking ridiculous I love it. And yes, that’s all I’m gonna be talking about the plane scene, because the rest is just me wondering how they didn’t get shot down the moment they got into enemy territory. 

Steve Rogers, if you see this from the underworld, were you really made a Captain, or was that just your show title? I need answers!

Zola impresses me. There is no other way of putting it. To have mastered what SHIELD couldn’t, to have made the Tesseract work at his command, basically, it’s impressive. I need a peak at his mind. I need to know more.

The scene of Steve in the cargo truck gave me big Natasha in Civil War vibes, when Crossbone tosses her onto a truck. And basically yeeting someone with just one shield hit, gold. Steve Rogers isn’t a stupid man. He is actually extremely intelligent, and such a gifted strategist. I would trust this Steve to save me if I’m ever kidnapped. (I’ll talk about future Steve later).

I’m leaving it here, dears. I’ll continue in the next part, because this is gonna be longer than I expected it to be. If you read it up till here, I love you and thanks for reading it.

[optimistic-dinosaur-nacho]

Don’t Like Crowds

Steve Rogers x Fem!Reader

Warnings: Drinking (Mild)

Summary: After another day of hard work, Tony had invited you to a party at the compound when you should really be working but a co-worker went as well so you thought to go as well. Only to meet a good friend from the 40s.

Author’s Note: I really should be doing other work at home since I still work during this tough time but I just love writing on here. I need a coffee.

Love you!

~~~~~

The night was not what you expected it to be. There were too many people. Why would you expect a small little get-together with the team to celebrate a nice job at work when Tony is a billionaire and wants to have a full-on party.

Tony had forced you to fly from Berlin all the way to New York for this party. In Berlin, you had more important things to do than just party. You worked for S.H.I.E.L.D. and you were always called in for work. 

You asked Nick to give yourself some time off and he took it, letting you go out to what you wanted to do.

So you flew over and threw on a dark blue dress that was just laying in your room in the Avengers tower. You heard a knock and you grit your teeth trying to zip up the dress. “Come in!” You call.

The door clicks open, “Y/N?” Natasha calls back, she walks in. “Hey, Nat,” You greet, looking at yourself in the mirror, you hear her high heels click against the floor. 

“Struggling?” She asked. You groan, “Is it obvious?” Nat smiles as she walks over. “Here.”

She grabs the zipper and drags it up. “It’s a cute dress. Special for someone?” Natasha asked with a smirk. You roll your eyes, “It’s something Tony got me, it’s the only thing that was in my closet.”

“But the color, seems pretty obvious who it’s for,” Nat says, “You two are pretty close.”

You turn around, Natasha knew you were one of the first Avengers to meet the first avenger from the 1940s. Nat knew there were some connections between you and the soldier, Steve Rogers. “That’s because Nick gave me the job to babysit him when he woke up.” Nat’s smirk never left her lips, “You have a chance to talk to him. You two haven’t spoken in a while since Washington D.C.,” Nat said. You sighed.

That was the day when you found out Hydra agents were taking over the most powerful ships in the world. That’s how you moved to Berlin. “Maybe after a few drinks, I will,” You replied, knowing you will never talk to him.

“Don’t drink too much or you will expose yourself,” She winks at her and leaves you in the room. You fixed your hair and walked out of the room, hearing the music and laughter down the hall.

You met the party and there were too many people. You were hoping no one will see you and begin to talk to you. If Tony-

“Y/N!” Tony shouts over the music, “Glad you could join us!” You look over to the pool table where Sam and Steve stood at, he was leaned over the table aiming for the ball in the center, only to have his eyes on you.

Sam gently slapped Steve’s arm to hit the ball breaking your gazes from each other and you walked over to Tony. James, Thor and Maria stood by him. “Nice dress, who’s it from?” Tony smiled at you. You roll your eyes.

“Any way, champ, have you heard about his War Machine story?” Tony asks, pointing at James. You forced a grin, “I believe I have a while ago...” You lied. “I think I need a drink,” You add.

Thor walks over, “I can escort you over there, Lady Y/N.”

“I think I can do it, thank you-” You slightly yelped as Thor guides you over to the bar. “I insist.” You sighed heavily as Thor talked about his recent battles with goblins and warriors on your way over there.

God, it felt like hours when you finally got there and you interrupted his story, “Thank you, Thor. I can handle myself here, now. I think those men over there would love to try your new drink that you brought from Asgard.”

Thor smiles, “You think so, Lady Y/N?”

“Yes.” Thor walks off to the elder men as you puffed out a sigh and sat down. You were never liking the crowd, you hated it so much and Tony would bring you in it a lot. Sure, the fights and missions felt different but to have others talk to you and tell them about your story was not your thing.

You hated parties.

You wanted to get that off your mind so you looked over to Steve at the pool table. Sam and their friends laughing as they hit the balls in the holes. You needed a drink, something to drink as you watch them laugh and walk around that table. Sometimes Steve would lean over the table and you would get a glimpse of his behind.

During the game, he slid off his leather jacket and placed it on a nearby chair. You didn’t realize your mouth was gaped. “You craving for some bloody mary or scotch?” Someone spoke. 

You turn to spot Natasha behind the counter with a smile, “Usually when I see a woman look like that, they could use a bloody mary.”

You laughed softly, “I wasn’t looking like that-”

“I’m a good liar but I’m also a good reader. I’ve known you for a while Y/N, I know when you really want to rip someone’s pants down-”

“Natasha!” You hissed, she smiled and pulled out a glass, “Don’t worry. I won’t tell him. No one doesn’t really know. You tell Tony, he’s gonna cause a scene.” You shook your head.

“When does he not?”

Natasha knew what was wrong with you. She knew you didn’t like to be at parties, almost everyone knew you. You were the light to the parties. Everyone loved to talk to you because you always smiled and joked around. Now, it was too much and you just shut everyone out except your friends.

You heard her slide you a bloody mary. “Drink, it’ll help,” She says. “You didn’t spike it, did you?” You asked. Natasha shakes her head, “I wouldn’t do that to a friend. Unless I wanted you to make a move on him already.”

You shook your head and took a sip, enjoying that taste of bloody mary. Natasha smiled in approval when you softly nodded your head. “You should be a bartender.” Natasha smiles. “At least I can earn a few bucks,” She winks. You lightly laughed.

“I’ll be back,” She says, you watched her leave the counter and walked off so you went back to your drink and took another sip. Lightly tapping your finger on the dark counter.

The music continued to ring in your ears as you kept your eyes low. “Guess you’re not much of a party person like Tony,” A voice spoke, you turned your head to see Steve at the other end of the bar, leaning on the counter with a grin.

You tapped your finger on your drink, “Guess we’re not really siblings then, are we?” You asked. Steve reaches for a beer over the counter and you thought he’d just grab it and walk off. He walked over to you, “Don’t like crowds?” He asked. You pulled your glass up to your lips again. 

“Not much of a talker,” You said. Steve smiled, “You were much of a talker when you had a mission to help me through this new life.”

“I’m not someone who can help another live through their life.”

“You got into mine,” He says, you turned your head to him again. What did he mean by that? You turned away to hide a blush.

You leaned on the counter and then faced him, again after you regained control. “Are you trying to flirt?” You asked. Steve shakes his head, “Just starting a conversation. Why, you want me to? I might be horrible, it’s been 70 years since I’ve flirted with a woman. I don’t usually have conversations with women a lot.”

You laugh lightly causing him to smile. His gaze looks down at your dress, “It’s a beautiful dress.” You look up again to meet his blue eyes. Your mouth gaped and he noticed the shock expression. 

He gave a gentle smile, “Sorry.” You shook your head, “No, I just-... thank you.” You hear loud laughter coming from James group in the distance from what he said about his little war machine story causing the two of you to look over. 

“Do you wanna go somewhere else? Somewhere more quiet?” He offers, you glanced at him before you said no more and took a beer from over the counter. 

.

“You really can’t get drunk?”

“Yeah. It’s like a regenerative thing, so I can’t have a bit of fun with friends who are.”

“Kind of boring then, right?” You asked, you two walked up to the railing on the balcony. The party was just behind you guys on the other side of the glass. “Not a word I would exactly use. It’s entertaining, but it feels better to just have your fun just a bit drunk. You don’t as much laughter out of you when you’re not drinking.”

“I hear you,” You tilted the bottle up to your lips and sighed. “Anything else special about you? Besides your regeneration thing and shield mastery.” Steve chuckles, taking his gaze out to the city. “Nothing special about me. Just a guy from Brooklyn.”

“Who met my father back in the 1940s. I bet you had more conversations with him than he had with us,” You said. You remembered when he used to talk to you. You were so little when he treated you like you were the only girl in his life along with Tony who was just treated a lower rate than yours. 

Sad to think Howard enjoyed you more than him.

Steve nods, “He was a good guy. Not much that I knew of him.” You look out to follow his gaze to the bridge in the distance. The sirens wailing through the city along with the cars honking and music in the back filled with laughter.

“I wanted to thank you...” Steve says, looking down at his beer in his hands, “For what you did when I woke up. Would’ve taken it much worse if you hadn’t been there.”

You look over to nod at him reassuringly, “I know it wasn’t easy. I would’ve been scared if I woke up 70 years later.” Steve looks over to you with a soft smile. You’ve been on a few missions with the Avengers, sometimes you’d clean up the mess after when Nick Fury tells you so. Basically you were the parent for these kids.

Steve was such a gentleman. When the aliens came, you two were friends and Tony clearly didn’t like that and then the toddlers had their very first fight. You remembered Steve removing Tony’s hand off his shoulder on that ship.

Talking a bit more about what you’ve been doing out of your career lives, Steve offered to walk you back to your room. The music was just a bit softer than it was inside.

You liked that it was just you and him. It was so much quieter.

The two of you stopped at your door, “Well...” You turn to him with a smile. Steve grins at you, “I guess I’ll see you in the morning,” He says. You chuckled, “I guess you will. And thank you for-you know... chatting with me.”

He shrugs with a nod, “It’s something to get you out of the corner. You keep that up, someone else might come up and say hi,” He said.

“Maybe next time, I will and when someone does, you can come up and snap at them.” Steve smiles at you, “Do I look that intimidating to others?” He asked.

“Do you even look at yourself, Rogers?” You asked, he laughs, looking down at his outfit. You laugh with him as well and the two of you gazed each other.

Your smile never leaving your lips as his face drops into an expression you can’t even explain to what he’s gonna do next till he pulls you in for a kiss.

You reacted instantly and reached over to caress the back of his neck and kissed back. The taste of alcohol on both your lips but it didn’t feel like you two were drunk. Steve can’t get drunk and you barely drink. Your heart was banging against your rib cage as the two of you pulled away and Steve grins. “That was...” You began to trail off.

You laughed on his lips, “Late,” Steve says. You pulled away to look into his eyes. “Not the word I would exactly use,” You say. He smiles and removed his hands from your waist.

“You should go back to your friends before they start looking for you, Cap,” You say, he takes a step back, turning his body a bit before giving you a big grin. “It’s really a nice dress. I’d like to see it more often.”

You gave him a cheeky smile, raising your finger at him, “You know, I’m gonna ask Natasha to help you work on your flirting skills,” You call out to him. He turns, “I’m 96, I’m still learning.”

“Okay, pops,” You joked, watching him turn the corner back to the party. You smiled and stepped into your room, letting out a big sigh.

He does need to work on his flirting skills.

~~~~~~

This one kind of sucked but it worked. I’ll find some more ways to use Steve

TAGS:

@jtargaryen18​ @chrisevans-imagines​ @joannaliceevans-fanficblog​

[enkelimagnus]

Cookbook

Bucky Barnes Gen, 1694 words, rated T for Hydra shit

Jewish Bucky Barnes, pre TFATWS, post Endgame

Bucky walks home from a long day of paperwork. On his path is a garage sale and a tired woman.

TW: cigarettes, smoking

Read on AO3

Part 2 of Making a Home - the Jewish Bucky series, Part 1 here, Part 2 here

----------------

Bucky smokes on the way home from work.

Everything that brought some sort of pleasure was a currency back in his day. That was why they sent cigarettes to the front. It was easy to make them necessary, when you were under constant fire and needed something to keep you going. Anything that got you out of that hell was traded for, fought for. Some days, it was like nothing mattered more than the next ration shipment and its load of cigarettes, pin-up magazines and six-pence books.

In truth, he doesn’t have the habit he used to have. Hydra wouldn’t have that. Upside of brainwashing, he guesses. And it’s not like it burns the same way anymore. That’s the serum for you.

Still, sometimes, he pulls a cigarette out of its gore-decorated cardboard box, lights it and pretends it has the same effect on him now than it did back in muddy camps or candle-lit living rooms.

The day has been long. No raids, but he’d been stuck behind a desk doing fucking paperwork for the last two weeks-worth of missions. His reports are tired and concise, he hates doing them and he’s pretty sure it’s obvious to anyone who reads what he writes.

He wishes he could smoke then , at that stupid cramped desk, to make the endless signing and reading and writing easier, but you’re not allowed to smoke inside anymore. So he finds himself doodling on other pieces of paper when his mind drifts. His focus is not the best outside of missions.

He used to love writing shit. Steve had his drawings and Bucky had his words, in between everything else. They wrote stories on notes they passed in class in high school. When it got taken by the teacher, no one could understand what they were talking about. He used to make up worlds and think of men walking in space, and he wishes he could tell his 14-year-old self that there are people in the sky, and that he’ll meet them one day. That he’ll see aliens, real ones, and punch them in the face.

He would tell him all the good things about the universe, all the people in it, all about partners in crime and arms like Dugan or Morito or Jones, or Sam or Natasha, how he not only met Howard Stark but was his comrade, how Stark knew him as “Sergeant Barnes” or “Sarge”.

He’d tell him all the good, and none of the bad, none of how his dad would die in two years and he’d be leading the family in shabbos prayers at 16, none of how the people in the world could be cruel for the sake of their own fun, none of how Howard Stark said his name in shock before he punched in his skull with the metal fist that was now his left hand.

Those conversations with his younger self -- barely a man, already smart-mouthed and charming and cocky in the way teenagers are and in the way Bucky had tried to remain for as long as he could until the war drained it out of him -- evaporate in the smoke, in the cold Brooklyn air.

He doesn’t love writing anymore. His mind can’t create the worlds it used to make. He thinks in three languages on a good day, only knows how to write one of those, so whenever he tries, something’s always missing. On a bad day, he can barely string along one sentence, let alone tell a story.

And he’s got no one to tell them to, anyway.

It’s 7pm and the streets are dark and icy. In the last few weeks, the gloves he always wears to hide his left hand have not been an incongruous fashion statement.

It’s January now. There was snow last week, a soft blanket that made him fucking cry out of nowhere when he saw it through the window. It was gone soon, but it was there. And for once, it didn’t fall on Siberia. It fell on Brooklyn again. He never would have thought he’d seen snow on Brooklyn again.

That kind of shit pulls memories out of him like nothing else, and he’s thankful for them. They make it easier and harder at the same time.

He told Doctor Raynor about the shul that’s now a church, about how it was the worst pain he’d felt since he’d last been wiped. How that’s another reason why he doesn’t want to walk into Becky’s retirement home and see her as she is now. The pain of time lost is the worst one to bear.

That, and he’s pretty sure she knows what he’s done. His name and photo have been blasted on every news channel and every social media website after the UN bombing. There’s no way she wouldn’t recognize him, when he looks so similar to the brother she lost.

He has no desire to face his Becky now that he’s a murderer and a weapon of mass destruction, Hydra brainwashing or not. You don’t do that to your little sister.

Besides, she doesn’t need him. She’s got kids and grandkids and great-grandkids, and nephews and nieces and every sort of relative you can imagine except for parents and siblings. She’s taken care of, they visit her often, she doesn’t need the grief he’d bring. He can’t be selfish.

He stops to stab the butt of the cigarette into a wall but his eyes catch something else.

In the cold evening, there’s a few lights set up on the sidewalk, over some makeshift tables threatening to crumble over all the items on it. Everyday items mostly, kitchen stuff, books and a clock and some candlesticks.

At first glance, all of the pricier stuff has been sold already, and there’s a tired-looking middle-aged woman sitting on the stairs of the house behind the tables. She has a look on her face, heavy with emotions muddled so well they’re impossible to tell apart.

“Buy what you want,” she says. Her voice doesn’t carry. He’s pretty sure he wouldn’t have heard more than a mumble if his hearing wasn’t enhanced. “Pay what you want.”

How many times has she said that today?

He looks down at the items for a moment, the cheap metal candlesticks, some old plates decorated with blue flowers, a still plastic-wrapped, never used, frankly hideous challah cover, and a pile of various books. Most in English, a couple in what he assumes to be Polish, some in Yiddish. His eyes fall on one in particular, a cookbook. It looks old.

“Can I touch?” He asks, pointing at the cookbook.

The woman nods. “Yeah. Nothing very modern in there. Bubbe barely even made this anymore,” she explains. Ah. A bubbe passed and the stuff they can’t keep, they’re selling.

The cookbook’s unremarkable. It’s been used, obviously, there are stains of chocolate-covered fingerprints on some of the dessert pages as he flips through. It seems to be half in English and half in Yiddish. He reaches the page where the publication date would be. He doesn’t even know why he’s checking.

Entire Contents Copyrighted 1949 The B. Manischewitz Co. Printed in the U.S.A.

1949. It’s close enough. Really close enough.

“How much do you want?” He looks up at the mourner.

“I told ya, it’s how much you’re willing to give.”

Bucky makes an annoyed sound at the back of his throat. He rephrases the question. “How much do you want me to give?”

The woman makes eye contact again. She looks deeply surprised by his question. Hesitant, too. She has no idea what to reply.

He fishes his wallet out of his pocket, starts going through the cash he has. He barely uses his credit card. Every month, when he gets his money from the army, he immediately withdraws most of it. It’s safer that way, and he knows how much he’s spending.

He counts out 180 dollars. It feels like a ridiculous amount for a cookbook, but the woman’s selling her bubbe’s shit like this, she’s still out at 7pm in January in Brooklyn and Bucky doesn’t have a lot of expenses anyway. He doesn’t really have expensive taste. 18’s a good number too, at least, it used to be, in his day.

“Peace be upon her,” He says quietly, when the woman opens her mouth at the bills he places in her hand. “It’s getting cold, you should go back inside,” he adds, quiet and coaxing, the tone he used to use when the neighbor’s son, Aaron, had a tantrum and sat on the stairs all evening, pretending to be mad at his parents.

Did he know the bubbe in question? Was she one of the kids from Hebrew school? It’s a little too far from his old neighborhood to be sure. He’s not going to ask.

The woman sighs a little, putting the money in her pocket when she realizes he’s not going to take any of it back.

He eyes the tables for a moment. “You need help packing up?”

She hesitates. He gets it, he’s a weird stranger who just bought an old cookbook for 180 dollars, it’s nighttime… He can’t tell her he’s not a serial killer, because he is one, and there’s going to be a moment where she remembers where she’s seen his face before. There usually is.

He holds his hands up, seemingly showing he’s harmless. It’s hilarious, really, because he’s never harmless. But contrary to Steve, he’s not massive. He’s more on the lean side of things, especially with his new arm.

“No pressure.”

She hesitates still, but he sees the exhaustion working away at her until she nods. The cookbook is put to the side and he helps her pack up the tables and the remaining things. He is careful not to display too much strength, and he’s also careful to keep his face in a neutral but positive sort of mask. His resting expression is meaner than needed.

He comes home much later than he thought he would, but he’s got a cookbook and some ideas of how to occupy his amnesia-riddled nights.

[stxphxn-strange]

i want to start posting from my ironstrange college au (remember the makeup fic i posted in like november? i’ll link it below but it’s from that verse) so! let me explain it:

reminder that this is an au and it’s my au, so i decide how this all goes!

Ships:

IronStrange (duh)

ThorBruce

Valcarol

Sambucky

Christine x Hope Van Dyne* (this gets complicated)

Eventual Pristine

Past Stony, Past Stucky

(Lowkey I’m also figuring out if Rhodey x T’challa could be a ship? they both seem too independent but i also might add it in)

Character Notes:

Tony deliberately never specifies if he prefers to go by Anthony or Tony. People call him both, or also his friends call him Ant. Stephen does not/has never called him Tony, he’s always known him as Anthony.

Happy just tends to go by H or Harry (anyone who calls him Harold receives a death glare, but as a joke Rhodey got him a T-shirt and the pattern is just name tags that say “hello my name is Harold.”)

Rhodey just goes by Rhodey bc Tony *insisted* that all their friends call him that and plus he doesn’t hate the nickname.

Natasha is part of this but she doesn’t go to school with the rest of the group. She’s Tony’s half sister and is the biological daughter of Maria Stark and her best friend. She lives in Italy with some of Tony’s extended family and her bio dad. Few people know of her existence, or they know her as Maria’s niece (for her own protection). It doesn’t rly matter that Howard has no idea who she rly is, he wasn’t with her the entire time Maria was pregnant w Natasha bc she was in Italy (and brought Tony with her)

Roommates:

- Tony and Rhodey are roommates, and they live two floors above the four suitemates. The four suitemates are: Christine and Pepper (who share a room) and Stephen and Wong (who share the other room) despite that, the six of them tend to move fluidly in between both spaces.

- Hela and Carol

- Val and Hope

- Thor and T’challa (Bruce spends a lot of time w them)

- Bruce, Sam, and Loki (as chaotic as it sounds btw)

- Bucky and Happy, who I’ve decided are very close. (btw nobody particularly enjoys the fact that Sam and Bucky live next door to each other, when they’re Busy their roommates can be found w Stephen and Co. or one of the other Odinson siblings).

Friend Groups (note: people overlap/belong to multiple groups, this is also not the full list bc that could go on for a long time):

- The Main Six: Tony, Rhodey, Stephen, Wong, Christine, and Pepper.

- Team Big Brain: Tony, Bruce, Stephen, Hope, Carol, Christine, and Bucky.

- Doctors: Stephen, Tony, Christine, and Bruce.

- Dumbass Protection Squad: Hela, T’Challa, Carol, Happy, Rhodey, and Pepper (usually).

- Psych Majors: Pepper, Wong, T’Challa and Loki.

- Stark Industries: Tony, Pepper, Rhodey, and Happy.

- People who Like Astrology: Loki, Bucky, Val, sometimes Christine.

Storylines (There’s no established time frame for this really, but it doesn’t follow mcu canon or any canon):

- Stephen and Tony are lifelong friends. They met on the first day of kindergarten and went to school together in NY (where both their families lived at the time) until middle school. For unspecified reasons, Stephen’s parents opted to move the Strange family to Nebraska before the start of 6th grade. Stephen and Tony were Devastated but were already inseparable at that point and stayed in touch. A business opportunity moved the Starks from NY to California. Stephen stayed in Nebraska for high school but Tony’s parents sent him to boarding school (read: Howard sent him away to avoid having to actually parent, and he thought he was lifting a burden from Maria. This was Not The Case, as she loved her son dearly and would call him everyday. Tony appreciated this more than he ever thought possible.)

- Howard and Stane viewed boarding school as a chance to groom Tony into something malleable and submissive enough to take orders from anyone. His obvious feelings for Stephen (with whom he was still incredibly close) were a Great Concern, so the executive decision was made to set Tony up with Steve Rogers, a blond athlete from his school. It was a way to keep Tony’s sexuality controlled, and Howard didn’t think Stephen was anywhere close to the level he wanted Tony to be (of course, Howard didn’t think his son lived up to his expectations anyway. It was more about control). On the surface, Steve was sweet and everything you could want in a partner, and he even charmed Maria into liking him. She genuinely believed he’d be a good match for her son, so it hurt when she found out what he was really like. Rhodey was Tony’s boarding school roommate for all four (4) years. They met and hit it off overnight, Rhodey instantly feeling brotherly love and the need to protect Tony (or “Tones” as he called him. Rhodey is usually the only one to call him that). Rhodey and Steve did Not see eye to eye on anything, least of all how Tony should be treated. Steve was terrible to him, and Rhodey’s heart broke when Tony admitted he was too scared to break up with him.

- Reenter Stephen. After a particularly bad day, Tony called Maria and Stephen sobbing, missing the two (2) people he talked to more than anyone except maybe Rhodey. It was then he confessed what kind of boyfriend Steve was, and Maria gasped before saying, “Dump him. Let me handle the rest.” That very day, Stephen left school early and traveled to see Tony. It was 2am when he finally arrived, throwing rocks at the window and then scaling the side of the building once he had Tony’s attention. Stephen and Rhodey met the next morning, when Rhodey came back from classes and found his roommate asleep him.

- “So you’re the one who climbed in through my window,” Rhodey said. “For a good reason, I assume.” Stephen confessed it was because he loved Tony and wanted to be there for him, didn’t want him to hurt. (It’s fair to say, though, that Stephen visited before/Tony went to visit him, and they’d spent secret time together over the summers). Tony, believing himself incapable of love, didn’t reject Stephen’s confession but assumed it was only love between friends. The summer before they all left for college (Rhodey, originally from Texas, was also going to school in NY with Tony and Stephen. NY was a big part of who they both were, and they both dreamed of studying there together), they finally started dating at Maria Stark’s motherly demand.

- This demand came a short time before Howard and Maria died, and it also came with admissions of guilt and lots of tears. “I was wrong about Rogers,” she said. “You don’t have to accept what I say or forgive me, but I know Stephen is the right one for you. I think I’ve always known.” (No shit, everyone knew) Knowong she was genuinely sorry, Tony forgave her not knowing that she would die a few months later.

- Most of this canon I’ve created takes place starting in their junior year of college, so everyone has gotten to know each other quite well. I’m sure the more I write from this the more I’ll flesh out relationships between certain characters, but one I want to mention is that Tony and Bucky are very close and co-presidents of the “I Dumped Steve Rogers for Peace of Mind” club. Steve goes to college in the next state/a little further north (that’s as specific as it’ll get for now) and dated Bucky the group’s freshman year. Tony didn’t know any of this until Bucky brought him over one day, and after they (Tony and Bucky) had a talk about the way Steve is as a partner, Bucky realized some things and dumped Steve. He remains angry at them both, especially Tony, from a short distance away which terrifies Tony.

- Sam and Bucky kissed for the first time at a truth or dare night Thor and T’Challa hosted in the group’s sophomore year. After they kissed (Sam initiated) they both shyly admitted feelings for each other.

*Now here’s where things get a little dicey. I started this au with Christine and Hope together for no particular reason, maybe they were on a club sports team together and started dating from there? But Pepper fell in love w Christine at first sight, and it got worse and worse the more they got to know each other. Much like Stephen and Tony, they’re the kind of people who meet each other and just click, even if the eventual path to Pristine involves lots of tears and jealousy for Pepper that Stephen never really experienced. He didn’t feel jealous of Tony and Steve’s relationship, because he wasn’t at boarding school with Tony and there wasn’t much he could do. But as a supportive and concerned (and honest but kind) friend, he was always encouraging and there to listen to Tony. Is Pepper going to be as good of a friend to Christine as Stephen was to Tony while Christine gets ready to marry Hope after undergrad??? that’s the question my forthcoming college au fic will answer.

Also mentioned in my forthcoming fic (which I’m still writing rn)

- post undergrad Wong works as a museum director/curator (havent decided yet, maybe he works his way up the ranks) and double majored in psych and history.

- Stephen, Tony, Happy, Rhodey, and Wong all live together and the rest of the group lives around NYC.

- Stephen, Christine, and Bruce (The Doctor friend group) are all pursuing medical degrees while the SI friend group is transforming the company completely.

++++

Thank you for coming to my TEDTalk! Congrats on reading all the way to the end lmao. I second guessed posting this a lot but then i remembered that it’s mine and I’m just sharing pre-fic thoughts lol. Thanks for reading/for your support of my work y’all!

Read the makeup fic (it doesn’t have a title) here.

💜💜💜💜

[thekisforkeats]

In The Hall of the Raven Queen (Let All the Broken Pieces Shine, Chapter Four)

Info: The Magnus Archives, D&D AU. JonMartin, more ships to be added. Rated T. Post-Canon. Jon is amab nb and uses they/them, Martin is a trans guy.

CWs: Body transformation, Ageism (sort of), Apocalypses (mentioned), Doubting reality, Child abuse (mentioned; Martin remembering his mother), Alternate realities, Character death (mentioned), Shouting, Minor Innuendo

Summary: Martin and Jon are both alive; they reunite, flirt a bit in front of a goddess(!) and get their marching orders. Cryptic marching orders, of course. Can these two ever get any other kind?

------------------------------------------------------------------

First Chapter Previous Chapter

Martin opens his eyes and is, for a moment, confused. There was a Jon in his arms, and now there is no Jon in his arms, and this is Bad. He can remember poetry and fire in the darkness, burning the web, burning the tapes… and the last thing, the most important thing: he’s never letting Jon go, ever again.

He scrabbles about a bit as he gets up, like he’s trying to find his glasses. “Jon? Jon!!"

Jon’s voice comes from above: “I’m right here, Martin.”

Martin looks up and there’s Jon, looking down at him with a sad sort of smile. And something’s off about them, to be sure--they look twisted and withered and are their ears pointed? But, no, that doesn’t matter just now. All that matters is that Jon’s alive.

So Martin climbs to his feet and stares at Jon for just a moment before wrapping his arms around the other man. He just breathes in the scent of Jon, somehow still all paper and cigarette smoke despite the apocalypse.

Then he proceeds to kiss Jon within an inch of their life, because they both survived. Mostly. Sort of. He’s ignoring all the weirdness he feels, just now.

It’s Jon that breaks the embrace, which is rare; usually Jon is incredibly clingy when it comes to hugs. “There will be time for that soon enough, I hope,” they say. They take a deep breath and slowly let it out.

Then their jaw drops.

“Your… your skin. And you…” They gesture to Martin’s face.

“My skin? What about my skin? What about my face?!” Martin eyes Jon and then his face falls. “Oh, God, do I look all old now??” Jon’s always looked older than they are, but some part of Martin still can’t quite believe that no, really, Jon loves him, and that part is somehow worried this might be an issue.

Not that he’s vain or anything, it’s just, he’s not sure he can pull off “younger than he looks” like Jon can.

“No,” Jon replies. “It’s… you’re… rather handsome. Tan, a bit slimmer. Your features are almost…” They pause, considering. “Yes, there is a decidedly… elven look to them. Your ears aren’t as pointed as mine, but they still point.” They indicate a nearby mirror.

Martin’s been so focused on Jon he’s barely noticed his surroundings. He’s already reaching up to feel at his ears, blinking, when he peers into the mirror. And there it is: his hair is red again, the touch of the Lonely gone almost entirely. He seems like he’s maybe a couple inches shorter, and he’s definitely slimmed down. His ears are slightly pointed, his eyes tilted a little differently, and his skin’s gotten bronzed like he’s gotten a tan.

It all clicks together in his mind, all at once. “...Oh. I’m a half-elf. Cross between a human and an elf. That’s… huh.” That’s odd, is what it is. He clears his throat and actually starts to look around. “So what’s going on…?”

“It seems our mission isn’t entirely over,” Jon replies, and points out something so obviously strange it’s a wonder Martin overlooked it thus far: a hovering cloak. And again as Martin takes it in, it all clicks in his head at once. The hovering cloak, the raven symbol on the same. The monochrome nature of everything but the figure of himself in the mirror. The balcony of the fortress overlooking the bleak landscape.

Martin's response is to yelp and grab Jon as he steps away from the floating cloak, dragging the other man a step or two back with him, because if Jon thinks Martin’s letting them out of his sight ever again they're sadly mistaken. Jon gets to stay right next to him for the rest of eternity.

In the meantime, his voice is speaking his realizations aloud as his poor brain catches up with reality. “The Raven Queen!!” A pause. “...The Shadowfell!!” A pause. “...Wait. Am I… dreaming? This… can’t be real.”

He remembers the poetry and fire in the darkness, yes, but… that can’t be real, either. For one thing, if they’re here then they should both be dead. Shouldn’t they?

The Raven Queen sounds amused when she speaks. “Ahh… you know of me, then.”

Jon turns to blink at Martin. “After what you saw this past year… you’re asking if something is real?”

“Well… I mean…!” Martin waves a hand to encompass drained colors and black sky and craggy peaks. “This is… Jon, this is… it’s from a game. A tabletop roleplaying game.” His cheeks heat. He doesn’t consciously think Jon will mock him for his hobbies, but it’s still a difficult thing to admit to. If nothing else, his mother used to gripe at him endlessly for being so fascinated by “fantasy worlds.”

Jon’s response is almost flippant; they merely nod. It certainly doesn’t seem to surprise them that Martin knows this.

The Raven Queen still sounds amused. “The Sage of Shadowdale had traveled to your world many times before. That was part of how I even knew to send… Jon there to begin with.”

Martin blinks at her rapidly. “...Come again?"

Jon blinks at her as well, “‘The Sage of Shadowdale?’ Is that supposed to mean something to me?”

“Elminster,” Martin puts in immediately, and waves a hand. “No, no, I get… now that I think about it… I mean, Ed Greenwood, the guy who wrote… well, ‘wrote’... the Forgotten Realms setting for Dungeons and Dragons, he would claim that these three wizards from different worlds visited him because they all had portals to Earth, and that’s where he learned all this stuff? And, I mean, it’s like… neat bit of world-building there, guy! It never seemed as daft as, say, Robert Ervin Howard claiming Conan actually visited him and being completely serious about it. But it’s always supposed to have been that the D&D worlds are just… other worlds on the Prime Material Plane. So, no, I guess… everything was real all along, except whatever wasn’t, and we’ll never really know which is which.”

He frowns. “No, I’m talking about ‘sending Jon there to begin with.’” He clutches Jon’s arm tighter and almost glares at the cloaked figure. “Has Jon been a shadow elf this whole damn time?!”

Jon sighs. “According to…” they gesture at the Raven Queen, “...her, yes. I have been one of these ‘shadar-kai’ for some time. She had restored me to being a high elf when I awoke, but you were dying and I…” They look away. “I couldn’t let that happen. So I… told her to siphon the vitality of my form and give it to you so that you’d live.”

“You WHAT?!” Such terrible fury overtakes Martin that he turns to Jon and actually shakes them slightly. Jon’s eyes widen, and they start to open their mouth like they want to reply, but Martin’s still barrelling forward. He’s shouting in the shorter man’s face, shouting so he doesn’t cry.

“What happened to ‘one way or another, together?’ What happened to ‘where you go, I go?’ You’re just… you’re just doing it all again, after… after everything… I mean… Annabelle was right, Jon, it worked, you heard them, didn’t you?! And now you just… you just… give up your life to…” He trails off, blinking. Oh. Oh.

This is the Shadowfell. Martin was dying. If he’d died here, then he wouldn’t have been able to go with Jon, because he’d have been stuck here serving the Raven Queen.

One way or another, together.

Why does “or another” always have to be something bad, though?

“You would have had to remain here, had they not,” the Raven Queen puts in, echoing Martin’s thoughts. “This way, you can go together. Which, I take it, was the point.” She was regarding Martin, the tilt of the cloaked head seeming thoughtful.

By the expression on Jon’s face, some of the things Martin said hit hard; there’s a flicker of guilt and remorse before they pull themself together, bring their composure back up. They nod. “Exactly. I was doing what I had to so that we could go together.”

Martin feels sheepish now. He doesn’t like yelling at Jon; his love already puts so much on their own shoulders, and Martin doesn’t like the feeling that he’s trying to overpower Jon to get what he wants. He’s always terribly aware that he’s taller and bigger and stronger.

So he smiles and says, with a little shrug, “Guess that explains the half-elf thing, actually. If you put your energy in me, then…” And then he realizes how that sounds and starts blushing really hard.

It seems to have worked; Jon smiles a bit. “Usually you were the one putting energy into me.” Their tone is nonchalant. “What’s the phrase, turnabout is fair play?”

Martin knows damn well Jon does not mean that in the way he’s taking it, because Jon just doesn’t really… do innuendo most of the time and it’s pretty obvious when they are. Nonetheless it makes him blush more and then he catches Jon’s grin widen and… wait, no, was that… was Jon trying to make him blush...?

Ugh, the man confuses him sometimes.

Jon turns back to the Raven Queen as if they said nothing at all (and infuriatingly they might just be unaware of how their comment could be interpreted and Martin just can't tell) and says, “So… what is it that we are supposed to do to help this world?”

“I thought you would never ask.” Is that sarcasm from the Raven Queen? It seems it might be, a little. “There is a great evil that will be rising soon, and I am sending you to restore the balance. If this evil is not stopped, all Toril will be destroyed.”

Martin’s still distracted by Jon’s maybe-not-purposeful innuendo, so he’s not thinking when he mutters, “Oh, that’s helpful. Cryptic knowledge instead of just ‘here’s what you need to do.’ Again.”

The Raven Queen just… looks at him, the glowing eyes inside the cowl unblinking.

Martin blinks and stammers, realizing just who he’s talking to. “Oh. Oh! I didn’t… I mean… uhh… I’m sorry, y-your… Majesty….” He tries bowing a little. It’s still sinking in. Actual demigoddess.

This seems to pacify the cloaked figure. It’s not flying at him and attacking him, at least.

Jon just nods. “Very well. I trust that… between Martin’s knowledge of this world and our combined intuition we shouldn’t have too much trouble figuring it out.” They pause, then say, “Are we to do this on our own or can others assist us?” They look to Martin. “Will others assist us?”

“Oh, we’ll probably be able to find, umm… adventurers and such.” There’s a kind of giddy excitement rising in Martin. They're talking to an actual demi-quasi-goddess queen and they're in the Shadowfell and they're about to go on adventures in Toril.

“There will be others who will assist you,” the Raven Queen says cryptically. She looks between them both, then turns. “Come this way. I have something to return to you, ‘Jon.’”

Martin frowns as they follow, and whispers to Jon, “I don’t like the way she says that, like you should have some other name.”

Jon whispers back, “Well… given my knowledge of elves is limited to Tolkien and other high fantasy… Jon doesn’t exactly seem very ‘elf-like.’” They give Martin a pointed look. “Does it sound elf-like to you?”

“N-no… not really… I mean it could be short for, umm…” Martin thinks. Hard. “Uhhh… no, I’ve got nothing.”

The Raven Queen moves on into the room beyond the balcony, past the table on which unappetizing food is laid, while firmly ignoring the mortal blather going on behind her. Something about her attitude and tone, her movements, indicates that she clearly expected to be doing this earlier, before Jon got all “save my boyfriend or else” and  “I’m mortal now deal with it” on her, and while she’s put up with all of it thus far she’s reaching the end of her patience.

There’s a dias behind the table, and near the dias there’s a stand on which sits, in a place of honor and reverence, a long sword. It is made of a black metal that seems to absorb the shadows around it rather than reflect the minimal light of the room. The same black metal constructs the cross guard and hilt. On the pommel is a gem, possibly a sapphire, that gives off the only reflective glint of the weapon. The scabbard is plain, if well made, and is stained a matte black color as well--having the same light absorbent quality as the weapon itself.

Jon stares at the weapon with a look of awe and steps forward, their hand outstretched. “This… this is mine…” It’s not a question. It’s the same sort of look they had when they looked at Jonah Magnus in the Panopticon, and yet somehow it doesn’t bother Martin as much as it did before. Then he realizes that it doesn’t bother him because it’s not quite the same sort of look. There’s no envy there; it’s just a recognition that yes, this thing Jon’s looking at is meant for them even if they didn’t know it until this moment.

“I’ve never fought with a blade in my life… at least… not that I remember, but this is… it’s mine.” Jon looks to the Queen. “May I?”

The Queen merely nods.

Martin finds himself gaping. Jon is actually an elf, and has a magic shadow sword. “...I must be dreaming,” he whispers.

Jon reaches out and takes the sword in their hand. “I know this weapon…” They look at Martin and a chuckle escapes them. It’s not as mirthful as it once was, but it’s something. “This… I know it. I don’t know where the knowledge comes from… but I can use this.” They look so right holding the sword, like it was a piece of them that had been missing and only now was the picture of Jon complete.

Martin can’t really help it. “You are .i hot right now,” he bursts out, and then blushes, because the weird shadow queen’s right there. What is he thinking?

A tinge of pink comes to Jon’s cheeks in response and they busy themself sliding the sword into its pitch-black scabbard as if to try to hide the reaction. “Thank you,” they say to the Raven Queen. “Truly. I hope that more… memories? Knowledge? Come in time. Perhaps when next we meet, I can be more cordial and… more as you anticipated I should be.”

The Raven Queen takes a moment to look at Martin and murmur, “Mmm, yes, likely Sune.”

Martin sputters and stands there, just… blinking. Sune is the goddess of beauty in Faerun, their version of Aphrodite or Venus, and sure he's red-haired, but he couldn't possibly serve her! He can’t shake the feeling that the Raven Queen said that just to shut him up.

The cloaked figure turns to Jon then. “Of course. You are to be forgiven for this entire encounter; you have had a difficult time.” She gestures. “Come. There is a place not too far from here where you may travel to the Material Plane. My servants will outfit you and then take you there.” A pause. “While you travel this realm, do not stray. The place you go is not remotely safe for the living, and only my protection will keep you from being sold as slaves or meat.”

Jon straps the sword over their shoulder, not seeming to care that it looks terribly out of place with their clothes. “We will not. Thank you again, for all your generosity.”

Then they grab Martin by the arm and follow the Queen deeper into the fortress.

Next Chapter

[mcustorm]

Thoughts on Jamie Johnson 5x12

Honestly, a lot of shit went down this episode. Jamie turns his annoyingness dial up to 11, Jetpac11 is revealed, Jamie’s ain’t-shit daddy returns, the under-13′s finally are forced to confront their issues, and Dillon’s...closeted. Which believe me, is enough stress in and of itself.

How did Jamie Johnson go wrong today? Well let me count the ways. 

Giving Jethro so much attention. First of all, wow to Jetpac11 actually being Jethro, that little shit. Sometimes, I guess the most obvious answer is the right answer. But Jamie of all people should know that Jethro is a total loser. You’ve got Jethro talking shit over here and Howard Royle over there, mad and with your entire career in the palm of his hand. Why even give Jethro the time of day? He’s a LOSER.

Even entertaining his ain’t-shit dad. The fact that Jamie’s dad was egging Jamie on versus Mike’s suggestion that they go to Hawkstone should have sent off alarm bells in Jamie’s head. But noooo, Jamie sides with his dad *again*. What was the point of the montage in the recap episode from the hospital if Jamie’s gonna do the same song and dance with his dad every time?

Lying to Hawkstone. Now that was just dumb on everybody’s part, especially Mike. When that happened I went, “Oh, so he’s gonna lose his spot in the club.” Why lie in such a public area? Why lie when people like Jethro are literally right there, who will clearly sabotage you any way they can?

So I don’t feel sorry for Jamie even a little bit. Hope you win the tournament tho!

I had a realization today, by the way. The actor who plays Jamie’s dad looks really similar to Stannis Baratheon, who also happens to be a very, very shitty father. Also, every time Jamie’s dad shows up Jamie should ask him how that other son of his is doing. Remember him? That’s a quick way to determine just how ain’t-shit his dad is going to be for the day.

The number one takeaway that I had from Dillon’s scenes this week was: remember Elliot? Remember how I said that Elliot outing Dillon (which was totally out of character, by the way) was only a plot device so that Dillon can now confide in Ruby?

Well, we see that in full swing this week. It just makes you wonder why Elliot couldn’t have been in Ruby’s place this week. It makes you wonder why Elliot was even a character in the first place, besides being Dillon’s gay Obi-Wan Kenobi. Then you realize that Elliot’s was never going to be anything but Dillon’s gay Obi-Wan. Finally, you figure out that there’s no way these writers intended on bringing Elliot back. He was simply going to vanish, just like Kenobi.

I mean, Ruby’s parents are gay. They could’ve written this “Ruby thinks Dillon’s homophobic but eventually helps him in his own gay journey” without creating Elliot’s character. But whatever, go ahead, frustrate our shipping hearts.

But I digress. Dillon wants to be out, because while it’s harder, it’s also easier. He’ll know for sure where he stands if he comes out. That’s relatable.

I think it would’ve been cool if the eighth graders’ drama had been a fully spooky-toned episode, in the vein of Scooby-Doo. Anyways, the eighth graders are doing the whole “we’ve gotta be in this jank room, but along the way we’ll come together” schtick, Breakfast Club style.

I respect Aisha’s decision to remove herself from the equation to help out the trio’s friendship. My only thing is, the problems with those three did not begin with Aisha, but she doesn’t know that. However, Freddie seems to be cool with Eric-Aisha so hopefully if she still feels some kind of way about Eric, they’ll be a thing.

The three musketeers made up again, thank God. Eric and Freddie finally learning about Alba’s adoption? Love to see it. Eric saying that he’s alone before Alba promptly shuts that down? Really love to see it. Alba dismissing Liam as simply a teammate? We really love to see it!

So we’ll see how long it is before they all turn on each other/Eric again. 

Next week: the end of the Phoenix Saga! See what I did there?

[blancheludis]

A/N: @iron-man-bingo​ square: Hanahaki Disease

Fandom: Marvel, Avengers Relationship: Tony Stark / Steve Rogers / Bucky Barnes Words: 8.332 Tags: Unrequited Love, Arranged Marriage, Enemies to Friends to Lovers, Sick Tony, Angst, Happy Ending

Summary: A whole bouquet worth of flowers ends up on their bed the night of the wedding, the colours almost sombre. “Well,” Steve says and stops unbuttoning his shirt, “I guess we married for nothing.”

- Tony is dying from unrequited love for Captain America, who is first a dead hero and then a very alive one just as disinterested in Tony as Howard had always promised.

---

A whole bouquet worth of flowers ends up on their bed the night of the wedding, the colours almost sombre.

“Well,” Steve says and stops unbuttoning his shirt, “I guess we married for nothing.”

He leaves the room, careful not to touch any of the petals, not looking back when Tony’s breathing becomes laboured.

There is nothing he could do anyway. Love cannot be forced, not even for a dying man.

---

Tony is a special case. Once he is old enough to realize that, it does not even surprise him anymore. Starks are always held to a different standard.

His mother takes him to a doctor when he develops breathing problems at just five years old. The inhaler does not help but being away from Howard does.

He is eight the first time he coughs up a flower. It is the day he finally begins believing his father when he says that someone as brilliant as Captain America could never love someone as pathetic as Tony.

Tony knows what is happening, but he is not yet cynical enough to laugh about it. Instead, he locks himself into his room and cries, cradling the perfect blue forget-me-not.

People have always been saying he is special. He just did not think that would mean he would die from unrequited love for a dead man.

---

Tony turns ten and physicians call him a miracle. He turns twelve and fifteen and eighteen, and people call him an abomination.

His lungs do not get progressively worse. Some days he can barely breathe, choking up flowers of every colour. Some days his throat barely scratches.

Once he moves out of the mansion, Tony almost feels like a normal boy, not meant to wither before he has managed to grow roots. It is the little things that throw him back; nightmares or anniversaries or articles about World War II. Sometimes the American flag is enough to steal the air from his lungs.

He does not make sense. His chest is growing ever tighter, but he fights it. He gives up just as often but this disease has never been about what he wants.

Tony has always been Death’s favoured child. It is life that does not seem to know what to do with him.

---

The day they find Captain America in the ice, the air has never tasted sweeter. Tony feels like soaring, only marginally worrying about the crash. His heart beats strongly, pushing enough oxygen through his veins that he has the energy to smile, to hope.

The next morning, he reads an article in the newspaper, showing a picture of Howard and the Captain shaking hands. Howard is staring directly at the camera. His smile is happy enough, but his eyes seem to look at Tony alone, holding the familiar disdain.

This is not for you, he seems to say, and while Tony’s brain fights that thought, his lungs feel already on the verge of collapsing.

If only Tony could have gotten there before Howard. If only he could have managed to make his own first impression. Howard likes to say that Tony ruins everything he touches. This time, it seems, he will not even be allowed to touch.

Well, he is equally good at ruining himself. And it would be a shame for all that practice to go to waste.

---

“That is one hell of a favour, Howard.”

Tony does not mean to eavesdrop, but Captain America is in their house, and the physical need to catch a glimpse or at least to hear his voice is overwhelming. He has been wheezing all evening, unable to get enough air into his lungs. He is so used to the lack of oxygen that it is the easiest thing in the world to hold his breath as he lingers outside his father’s office.

“I know, and I wouldn’t ask if –” That is Howard. Tony would know his voice anywhere, if not this tone. It holds the usual annoyance it does when it comes to discussing Tony, but it is also so much gentler than Tony has ever heard it.

“He’s your son, I know.”  Captain America sighs. Nothing good has ever come of people reminding Howard that he is related to Tony.

“It’s more of a hero worship thing anyway,” Howard scoffs, as if it is nothing. “This has been going on forever. But it’s getting worse lately.”

Captain America hums, and Tony wishes he could see his face, just to know how bad the contempt is. “Since you found me.”

Tony thinks of finding out that Captain America has been found alongside the rest of the public, although his father must have known. He thinks of all the mornings spent wheezing and clawing at his chest, and that he cannot get to the second floor of the mansion without taking a break halfway up.

It is getting worse, indeed. Even now, he feels his insides congealing and spreading roots locking his diaphragm in place.

“He is the reason I never stopped looking,” Howard says, revealing the only reason he suffered Tony’s antics at all. “It meant you couldn’t be dead, yes?”

A long moment of silence follows, in which Tony wants nothing more than to sneak forward and catch a glance. He does not know exactly what favour Howard is asking for, but it cannot be good, it never is when it involves Tony.

“I’ll talk to him tomorrow,” Captain America finally says but sounds like a man sent to his execution.

It is funny, how Tony’s lungs react to that as if someone has reached out to strangle him. All his sneaking around will not save him if he gets into a coughing fit right now, so Tony turns around to hurry back to his room, both satisfied to have at least heard the man he somehow loves, but utterly dejected that everything is already in ruins.

“Don’t force anything,” Howard says right before Tony is out of earshot. “He’s an entitled brat, he’ll have to get over it.”

He has tried so very hard. That has only ever made everything worse.

Steve does come to see him the next day, his face hard and his shoulders tense. It is obvious he is only here as a favour for Howard, and as much as Tony is thrilled to actually meet Captain America, he does not like pity. He might be dying, but he is not a charity case.

It is no surprise then that he ruins his own chances, whatever little there had been.

The first thing he tells Steve is, “My, those World War II posters did not exaggerate your shoulders-to-waist ratio.”

That just speeds up their never coming together.

Death is what they make their money with. They put weapons into people’s hands and they complain about the way the earth gets stained red. There is always a bigger stick to be had, though, and they have a knack for building that.

Tony is not afraid of dying. Death has always been a part of his life. He is afraid of dying alone, although that is what he has always known. Mostly, he is afraid of waiting for it.

It has been almost a decade since he has couched up his first petal, and he has long since given up on collecting them. He could have filled his room ten times over with that collection of tangible grief.

He has once laid out Captain America’s shield, life-sized and blood-specked. At the sight of it, he could not help but laugh. Long enough and hard enough that he could almost convince himself he was choking on laughter instead of love.

---

Half a year into their ill-advised marriage, Howard does Tony the favour of getting himself killed. There is some poetic justice to the fact that Tony outlives him after all, despite having been declared all but dead by Howard the moment he was diagnosed.

This way, he can stand next to his father’s grave and enjoy the way the air flows freely into his lungs. Tony has not contributed a single petal to the dozens of bouquets brought in Howard’s honour.

Less satisfying is the actual grief on Steve’s face, who is at the very front of the men volunteering to carry Howard’s body to its last resting place. That red-eyed expression holds more love than Steve ever showed for Tony. He can only imagine how different his own funeral will be.

It does not matter. He has outrun fate for so long already, he does not mind it coming ever closer anymore. For now, life has become so much sweeter.

“You really are heartless,” Steve hisses to him later, when the guests are gone and Tony is ready to fall into bed for the rewarding sleep of the fatherless.

“If I didn’t have a heart, I’d have so many less problems,” Tony replies lightly, looking his husband up and down to make it clear what he means. “So I’m all for getting rid of it.”

For a moment, Steve looks ready to help him with that. And he could. Those hands would be able to pry Tony’s ribcage open. He is already turning the inside of his chest into a wasteland. It is all just taking too long.

“You disgust me,” Steve says, facing him square-shouldered and unmoveable.

“I know.” That has been obvious from the very beginning.

With a shrug, Tony turns away. He has more important things to do. He now has one father-shaped problem less. At the same time, however, he gains a new one: the Winter Soldier.

He is sure that is going to blow up in his face.

---

“I found your friend,” Tony blurts out one night.

He is on his way down to the workshop and has not seen Steve in over a week. Tony makes it easy to avoid each other, which is in both their interest.

“What?” Steve grunts, not happy with being stopped in the hallway. Living together is only bearable when they pretend there is no one else in the house. “Who?”

Immediately, Tony curses himself. This is not something he actually wants to get into with Steve. It is not exactly his secret to keep, but things are easier when they do not talk.

“Barnes?” he asks more than tells. “Well, he’s calling himself the Asset these days. You know, the guy who tried to kill you?”

Steve is on him without warning, cutting off Tony’s babbling with an angry arm against Tony’s throat. “What did you do?”

Tony barely even flinches. This is the closes he has been to Steve since the wedding ceremony. He hates himself for it, but it feels good, like coming home, even with Steve’s anger pushing all the air out of his lungs.

“Careful with the throat, husband,” Tony says. Sometimes it seems like sarcasm is the only weapon he has left against the world, and even that is quickly fading, since his voice is giving out. “Didn’t anyone tell you I have breathing problems even without you threatening to beat me up?”

“I’m not in the mood for jokes,” Steve snarls, coming even closer.

“Funny, neither am I.” Black spots appear in Tony’s vision, but he has fought past that before. He goes limp in Steve’s hold, signals defeat, because he is going to end up being beaten down anyway. If not by Steve, then by his own body betraying him. “Barnes is in a secure facility. He was wounded. And I’m vetting psychiatrists to help him.”

This is obviously not what Steve expected him to say. In his surprise, he backs up a bit, enough to release the pressure on Tony’s windpipe. Breathing does not get any easier.

“Why would you do that?” Steve asks, staring down at Tony as if he is the reason for everything bad in his life.

Tony smirks. He knows that look and latches onto it with all he has. It is better than that wounded expression in Steve’s eyes, that fragile hope that has never been for Tony. Never will be either.

“Because, in my all-encompassing love for you,” he shows his teeth, mocking himself, “I can’t stand the thought of you withering away once I’m dead, so I thought I’d give you your best friend back.”

That is enough to destroy whatever goodwill Steve might have momentarily had for Tony, for he leans down, hand hovering threateningly over Tony’s throat again.

“If you’ve harmed a single hair on his head –”

Tony has heard so many variants of what comes after the pregnant pause that he chokes out a laugh. He is unbelievably glad when no petals come up with it.

“My, you don’t sound grateful,” Tony says with fake cheer. His voice is too high to pretend that he is not half-suffocating.

“Where is he?” Steve asks, his breath warm on Tony’s skin. It flows so freely, making Tony stare in wonder.

“I’ll send you the coordinates,” he promises quietly. As much as Tony yearns for Steve’s presence, being this close to him is unbearable. “Pack something warm, honey.”

---

In the early days after being diagnosed, Tony was interested in the science of all this. How can he be dying from something inevitable? A dead man cannot love him back. It does not make sense.

And yet.

He should be dead ten times over by now. Unwanted, unloved, never good enough.

And yet.

He wants to be dead, too. Dead people do not need to breathe. He has practiced that for most of his life already.

 And yet.

---

For a ghost, Barnes looks good. He has long washed off any visible traces of having been in HYDRA’s care. His hair is cut, his clothes are neat, his arm is repaired. The terror still sits deep in his eyes, but time will deal with that.

“Who’re you?” Barnes asks when Tony strolls into the room.

He sounds curious more than defensive, and Tony revels in the anonymity.

“Tony,” he says shortly, waiting for recognition that never comes. Perhaps Steve has not told his best friend about his pathetic excuse of a husband. “I helped working on BARF.”

That is the simplest explanation he can give without saying that he pulled Barnes away from HYDRA and then stayed up day and night to create something that could deal with both their nightmares, imagined and real.

“So you’re here to collect some data?” Barnes shifts uncomfortably but makes no move to stop Tony when he sits down on the couch, a good few feet away.

“No.” Tony shrugs. The data he needs is not something he can measure. It has more to do with how much Steve loves this man, enough to be almost civil to Tony, even though he can usually not stand to even look at him. “I can see that it worked. I wanted to ask if you need anything.”

Barnes’ face darkens. Somehow, Tony has managed to upset him within moments of meeting him. That truly is a specialty of his.

“People are asking me that all day.”

Tony shrugs, pretending that it does not become hard to breathe already. “Must be because you look so lost all the time.” He knows a bit about that, but he is not here to bond with Barnes, even if that were possible. Steve would never forgive him.

“Do you –”

Three things happen simultaneously. Barnes’ face grows soft and guarded at the same time. Tony’s windpipe fills up with dread and flowers. Then steps grow loud and Steve comes into view, his expression pinched and ready to start shouting.

“What are you doing here?” Steve asks, sidling up to Barnes, ready to jump in front of him.

What do they think? That Tony would go to all this trouble only to harm Barnes right in front of Steve? People say he is petty, but all Tony has ever been trying to do is to survive. Hurting others on purpose has never helped with that.

“Hello to you too, darling,” Tony greets with burning sweetness. “I was just having a chat with our guest.”

He leans back in his seat, making it look like insolence instead of a means to hide his trembling muscles. Steve’s hate is always making him so weak.

“How about you stay away from him?” Steve snarls. Tony would not be surprised if Steve reached out to throw him bodily out of the room.

Ironically, it is Barnes who saves him. He reaches up to lay his hand on Steve’s arm. That touch works like a miracle. “Steve, what is going on?”

When they look at each other, Tony barely recognizes Steve. He has never seen his face so open, vulnerable, loving. If he would look at Tony like that even one time, Tony is sure he would be cured. At the very least, he would die a happy man.

“Stark has a habit of ruining everything he touches,” Steve explains in a dismissive tone, reducing Tony to nothing more than his failures – not that there is much more to show anyway.

Barnes frowns and glances at Tony briefly. “I heard he found me and brought me back.”

That sounds close enough to someone standing up for Tony that he misses his chance to speak up.

“And I’m still trying to find out why,” Steve says, ruining whatever first impression Tony might have made with Barnes.

Tony’s anger is a living thing, much like the grief growing in his lungs. He does not attempt to hold it back when it roars.

“Is that how you won the war?” Tony asks, voice cutting. “By suspecting everyone is the enemy and simply punching anything that moved?” Sometimes all the derision he has for himself can be channelled against whoever is in his way. It does not help making him feel better, but he does not need any more scars either.

Getting to his feet in as smooth a motion as he manages with how weak his legs are, Tony adds, “I don’t mean Barnes any harm. Otherwise I would have hardly gone to all this effort.”

It is simple logic, but Steve is naturally immune to that. “You’re desperate,” he spits out, almost causing Tony to laugh.

Desperation is for those who still have hopes to be stripped away from them.

“Why? Because I’m dying?” Tony questions gently. He is not quite sure how he remains steady on his feet while being numb all over. “I’ve known that for over two decades. I’m just waiting for my lungs to hurry up and give out.” Oh, how long he has waited.

Turning, Tony fixes his eyes on the door. He will leave. He does not know where he will go, but it does not matter. There is no such thing as a right place to die in.

“Who are you?” Barnes’ voice stops him just before he can escape the scene.

“Tony Stark. Sorry for omitting the last name.” Just about everyone would be happier if he had a different one. If he were a different person or simply no one at all.

Barnes clears his throat, clearly aware of the minefield he is navigating. “I mean, who are you to each other?”

Steve opens his mouth, but Tony cannot bear to listen to him.

“Captain Spangles and I? Nothing,” he hurries to say. “We’re married, but Howard did that most likely so Steve could inherit.” Tony straightens. He has always met his fate with his head unbowed. “Smile. Once I’m gone the two of you will be dizzyingly rich.”

Sooner rather than later now. Then again, Tony has been hoping so for years.

Once he is in the privacy of his own room, Tony coughs up enough flowers to drown himself in them. He buries his face in them, smells their sweetness, and wishes he could disappear.

---

For all that they can go weeks without seeing each other, Steve on a warpath always finds Tony. There is no hiding from Steve’s temper. It is almost as if they are connected after all, pulled together but only when emotions are running high.

Tony has his own alarm system, though, and for once he does not mean JARVIS. A whole minute before the door to his study is thrown open, Tony’s throat constricts and he knows he will not get any more work done this evening.

The knee-jerk reaction of Tony’s body to Steve’s presence is immediate and terrifying. As soon as Steve fills out the doorway, Tony’s spine straightens and he leans forward, as if one inch less of physical distance will actually bring them closer together. Tony’s head might be yelling at him to call it quits, to leave and try to save of himself what he can, but his life has not actually been dictated by his head for a very long time.

Even with fury filling his eyes, Steve looks glorious. Lately, Tony has been looking more again, because Steve’s qualities are only enhanced with Barnes there to balance them out. The more often he shows himself, the more time he spends coughing up his lungs piece by piece. He used to be better at secluding himself, but something about Steve and Barnes together makes it impossible to stay away.

“What are you even still doing here?” Steve spats after glaring at Tony for long seconds.

Tony wonders what prompted this – and, a bitter voice in his head adds, whether Steve means what he is still doing here in the house or why he is still alive. Tony only has an answer to one of these questions.

“This is still my home, darling. I’m not yet dead,” Tony answers. He would be proud of how calm his voice is, if it were not due to the sudden dryness of his mouth, courtesy of the mounting pressure inside his chest.

Steve takes a step forward but then thinks better of it, as if Tony is contagious, and remains hovering in front of the only exit of the room. “You have other houses.”

Tony’s lips pull up into something that wants to be a smirk, but he is too exhausted for it. “And I like the view from this one.”

He likes the view inside it much more, but he does not say that. The fastest way to stop his lungs from cooperating at all, is to make Steve even angrier at him. Funny, how that works.

“We don’t want you here,” Steve argues stubbornly, as if want has ever made anything right. Tony is the walking definition of want gone awry.

“First off, you should stop talking for Barnes as if he doesn’t have a voice of his own. HYDRA did that long enough,” Tony says, although defending Barnes should not be at the top of his priorities. He knows what it is like to not be able to make decisions for himself. “And second, you agreed to living with me in the marriage contract you made with Howard. That means here, in one house. Deal with it.”

Right in front of him, Steve becomes livid. His hands curl into fists that Tony imagines he can already feel sinking into his flesh. It might be nice to feel some pain that does not generate from the disease growing inside his chest, to blame his misery on something not of his own making for once.

“Stay away from Bucky,” Steve orders, the words coming out flat and threatening.

“Perhaps you should tell your buddy to stay away from me,” Tony says, somehow managing to make his tone mocking, despite being almost out of air. “I’m hardly in running shape.”

“I mean it,” Steve says darkly, taking that step forward now as if he needs to loom over Tony to prove his superiority. “Leave us alone.”

Tony smiles, feels the skin stretching over his bones. “Patience is a virtue, Captain, and it’s not going to be that much longer.”

Without missing a beat, Steve says, “You’ve been promising that for a while now.”

Tony cannot help but flinch. As much as he has been waiting for release for years now, it hits much harder to hear the man he somehow loves wish him dead. “Get out.”

“You have to –”

The pressure inside Tony’s chest becomes unbearable, but he does not want to break down in front of Steve, does not want to cough out the proof of his unmet desire for Steve to see. Eyes watering, he bites down on his lip hard enough to draw blood. The taste is familiar enough to ground him a bit.

“Get. Out,” he snarls. Maybe it is the ferocity in his choked voice or the blood staining his lips, but Steve turns around and leaves.

He does not have the courtesy to close the door behind him, allowing everyone passing by a perfect view of Tony dissolving into a wheezing bundle of pain.

Death should definitely hurry up, Tony decides as he lies on the floor of his study, a sea of petals around him, because this life is not one he cares to have anymore.

---

Barnes has been sitting in Tony’s workshop for hours now. Allowing him in might not be the best idea Tony ever had – his ears are already ringing from simply imagining Steve’s shouting about it – but there was no way he could turn Barnes away when he came down here, shoulders slumped and exhaustion radiating off him in waves.

Tony can immerse himself in his work easily enough to ignore someone else’s presence, but that it is Barnes of all people is just as unnerving as the fact that his throat is already scratching with the threat of coughing, even though Steve is nowhere in sight.

“You built my arm, yes?” Barnes asks after what could have been hours of simply watching in wonder – or judgement. Tony is not sure which.

Tony nods and wipes sweat from his forehead, using the motion to rub at his sternum, willing the building pressure away. “Your old one was shit.”

“That’s not –” A frown flickers over Barnes’ face. “Why?”

This is a loaded question, and Tony is not getting into that with Barnes. “Building is about the only thing I’m good at. So why wouldn’t I?” he asks flippantly, hoping to deflect.

The frown is back, harder now. “You don’t like me.”

“Wrong,” Tony says but allows himself a small smile. “I don’t know you enough to like or dislike you. Steve loves you, though. He usually has a good instinct where it comes to people.”

With some serious exceptions, of course. Howard is not a good person, no matter who says it. He might have been once, but something turned him into a mess. Perhaps that is Tony’s fault too. He is so good at that.

“And yet he doesn’t seem to like you,” Barnes says, sounding contemplative.

“Your point being?” Tony asks, turning away to hide the irritation on his face. He does not need to be reminded of that. “Anyway, does Steve know you’re here?”

To Tony’s utter surprise, Barnes’ answer is prompt and firm. “No.” It almost sounds like he is running from something too.

When Tony looks at his expression, though, it does not betray anything.

“Don’t mind me denying all responsibility for your coming here,” he says slowly, hoping to not offend. “I might be tired of living, but I don’t want to go out being crushed by a supersoldier.”

Instead of reacting with a smile or simply more of that blank expression, Barnes looks unhappy, staring at Tony like he wants to decipher him but does not know where to start.

“You love him.”

Laughter bursts over Tony’s lips, scratching as much on the way up as the flowers do that he coughs up so regularly.

“I guess so,” Tony says, mouth stretching into a dead man’s grin. “I mean, otherwise that whole suffocating from unrequited love thing would be even more ironic.”

Barnes does not say anything to that, although he looks like he wants to. Then he lowers his head and stares at the metal fingers curled in his lap.

“Do you mind if I stay for a bit?” he asks an eternity later, sounding small.

Tony knows all about sanctuaries, about safe places to hide away in. He cannot begin to explain why Barnes would choose this, meaning he has to put up with Tony’s presence, but he would not deny it to him. “Knock yourself out.”

For the entirety of the time that Barnes spends down in the workshop with him after that, Tony does not have trouble breathing even once.

---

Tony finds them making out in his living room. He does not need to see Steve’s face to recognize the shape of his back, and Bucky’s arm stands out darkly against Steve’s bare skin.

The thing is, Tony thinks first about hygiene and the poor staff that might be stumbling over the sight, before he realizes his husband is cheating on him right in front of his eyes. It is not unsurprising, nor does it hurt him worse than a thousand other things Steve has done ever since they married. The shock slams into him with unforeseen strength, though. Where he has just been breathing, his lungs are now filled with the scratching stuffiness of a sea of flowers.

The practical part of Tony’s brain finds the reaction a little exaggerated but the rest of him is rendered helpless, unable to turn his stare away from the two men moving in perfect synchrony. They compliment each other so well, it belies all of Tony’s little fantasies about being a good counterpart to Steve.

The scene before him makes him obsolete. Neither of them needs him. Nobody does in the whole wide world. Anthony Edward Stark, heir to the greatest weapons manufacturing company in the world, genius in his own right – and nobody will even notice once he is gone.

“Wanna join?” Bucky’s voice washes like dark velvet over Tony’s skin. His gaze is on Tony with a relaxed leisure of a predator already satiated.

Tony is not a danger to them. Still, when Steve looks up, there is a hunger in his eyes that has Tony shivering. If only Steve would look at him like that once. He does not, though. But his scowl does not look very intimidating in his current state, naked and utterly at home.

“Don’t tempt him,” he says, his sneer just a necessity instead of something actually felt. “Stark doesn’t have any shame.”

And Tony has not. He would give one of his limbs, perhaps all of them, if he could slip between these two men and have them hold him like they mean it.

“As far as I remember, you don’t have either,” Bucky purrs, speaking to Steve but never taking his eyes off Tony. “I’m sure you have enough energy for both of us.”

“The though alone works better than a cold shower.”

It is banter between lovers. For once, Tony is sure Steve does not aim to hurt. It still does, of course, but Tony is used to that. What is new is the longing shooting through him, not only at the thought of Steve, but at watching Bucky sprawl out right next to him.

“I’ll leave you to it,” he says hastily and turns around to run.

In his back he hears the rumbling voice of Steve and Bucky’s resounding laughter. It stays with him for days.

---

The first time Bucky kisses Tony, it knocks the air out of his lungs in an entirely pleasant way. Breathlessness has always been tinged with fear or panic before. Now, however, it tastes distinctly of hope – not to be cured, Tony is not as naïve as that, but perhaps to die not completely unloved.

“What was that?” Tony asks when they separate, trying not to sound ungrateful but needing to know.

“You –”

Steve bursts in, showing that Tony might not be the only one with a talent for bad timing. He stops short in the doorway, looking suspiciously at how close Tony and Bucky are standing.

“What is going on?” he asks,

This time, Bucky does not hesitate to answer. “Nothing.”

It is not nothing that Tony coughs up that night.

---

The first time Steve kisses Tony, they are being watched.

“This is just an experiment,” Steve growls, looking like he would prefer being anywhere but here.

His lips are hard and unforgiving when he presses them on Tony’s, but Tony melts into the touch nonetheless. They have not even kissed at the wedding, since Steve was too busy getting out of there as soon as the priest had stopped talking.

Tony feels something move inside his chest, and while he is used to all kinds of pains and pressures, he cannot be sure what it means.

“And?” Bucky asks when they part.

Steve’s expression says more than words. He wipes his mouth and hastily takes a step back. “Nothing.”

This has become the ultimate answer between the three of them. Still, Bucky does not react how Tony would have expected, does not turn away and take Steve with him, considering this particular matter dealt with. Instead, he looks at Tony, waiting for an answer from him.

“I don’t –” Tony starts, stumbling over the words because he cannot get his mind to stop racing. “It doesn’t react to touch alone.”

It is easier to hold onto scientific facts than to make sense of feelings. Although Tony has always been an anomaly

“I told you so,” Steve says shortly and finally turns to go. Bucky lingers as if to make sure that Tony will be all right, but leaves when Tony shakes his head.

Then they are gone and Tony allows himself to try to take a deep breath. The air catches the way he is used to but – no buts. Everything is the same. Thinking anything else would be foolish, just because he does not lie on the ground, coughing his lungs up at this newest development. That will come again soon enough.

---

Sometimes, Steve scares Tony just by being able to sneak up on him. It is not normally a problem, considering they do their best to stay out of each other’s way, but it also makes it impossible for Tony to know when Steve is coming for him.

(Sometimes, Steve does not have to do anything to scare Tony. His mere existence is enough to strike an unearthly fear in his heart.)

This time, Tony does hear Steve’s steps coming closer. He does not know that it is Steve at first, but he would recognize Bucky’s, and barely anyone else comes here. Still, it is a surprise to see Steve appearing at the door to the workshop, raising his hand to knock.

All of that has Tony immediately on edge.

Still, he lets Steve in. He is not in the habit of making things unnecessarily harder on himself, and rejecting the man he is dying for would certainly fall into that category.

“Let him in, J,” he orders quietly, making sure to keep a workbench between himself and the door. That is nothing more than an illusion of safety, considering that even without his lungs being as they are, he could never outrun Captain America.

Steve step into the workshop but stays within a hasty stride from the door. Neither of them expects this to go well then.

“Bucky told me I should apologize to you,” Steve then says, the usual derision absent from his tone.

Bucky then. Tony should have known that much. For the past weeks, Bucky has assigned himself as the peacekeeper of the house, taking on the thankless job of trying to get Tony and Steve to get along. Sending Steve here like they are in elementary school and a forced handshake would make them friends again is just sad.

“What for?” Tony asks warily, still ready for the blows that are surely to follow.

“You –” Steve pauses and looks away. Tony envies him for the deep breath he takes. “You have done a lot for us.”

A humourless smiles spreads on Tony’s lips. He and his condition have make everyone he comes in contact with miserable.

“If you mean building that arm for Buc- Barnes, he has already thanked me for it,” Tony says, biting his tongue at his near blunder. Bucky is already too friendly to him when they meet. If Steve finds out, thing will only get worse. “Even though he didn’t need to.”

“It’s not just that,” Steve replies quickly. He looks uncomfortable of all things. “You – we didn’t get off on a good start, and you still let me move in with you, even if I didn’t even speak to you.” That was a clause in their marriage contract to make Tony’s death a little more comfortable, not that it really works out this way. “You made this Bucky’s home too. You’re a better person than –” He shrugs helpless.

Better than what? Than Howard said? Or the gossip rags? Better than Steve feared? Better than the horrible disaster of a human being everyone thinks him to be?

“Don’t,” Tony cuts him off almost gently. “You’ll think differently again soon enough. Let’s just keep things how they are.”

He does not think he could take it if they tried to turn this into something better and failed. Tony likes to know where he is at, and he can deal better with Steve’s hate than this uncertainty, ready to backfire on them any moment now.

When Tony turns back to his word, breathing as shallowly as possible to not get a coughing fit right here, Steve uses his opportunity to flee. It is bad that the walls are transparent. This way, Tony sees that Steve does not look back at him.

---

“Captain Rogers is asking whether you have time to come up for lunch,” JARVIS asks, interrupting Tony’s work.

Putting the soldering iron down, Tony frowns at the nearest camera. “Did someone break into the server room and munch at your cables?” he asks, wiping some sweat from his forehead. He does not take the request serious for a single minute.

“Not at all,” JARVIS replies lightly. With a hint of scolding in his tone, he adds, “I heard that human bodies need regular nutrition, although that might be a foreign concept for you. That is why I relayed the request.”

Tony loves how nuanced JARVIS is getting, how he uses sarcasm and trickery. Sometimes he feels more like a human being than Tony manages to be on his good days.

“You got the names confused,” he cautions, wondering whether the latest update might have done more damage than good. “You meant Sergeant Barnes.”

“No, sir,” JARVIS says without hesitation, causing Tony’s frown to grow. “Captain Rogers asked for your presence.”

“Sergeant Barnes,” Tony repeats stubbornly because, frankly, nothing else makes sense. “Bucky. Dark hair, metal arm. You should have seen him around down here. Do I have to do maintenance on your sensors?”

“Captain Rogers,” JARVIS answers, endlessly patient but also slightly amused. “Tall, blond and, to quote you, unbearably muscular, I’m positive.”

Tony stares. “That makes no sense,” he mutters as he waits for his racing thoughts to form into something useful, something to explain this sudden turn of events.

“Perhaps you should go upstairs and find out for yourself.”

JARVIS sounds so sure, but there is no way that Steve, who hates him, would ever invite him for lunch, not even if Bucky pushed him to do so. Steve has registered all of Bucky’s small kindnesses over the past weeks with growing discomfort.

“You wouldn’t prank me, right?” Tony asks his AI.

Entirely unhelpful, JARVIS answers, “Your well-being is my highest priority.”

Because Tony made it so. Sometimes he feels guilty for it. He created a thinking and arguably feeling person, body or not, and then commanded him to care for Tony. He would not trade JARVIS’ company for anything, but it sometimes makes him wonder whether Steve’s assessment of him might just be right.

“That could also mean you want me to smile more, which would make a prank more than possible,” Tony says dryly, not hinting at his thoughts. His kid deserves better than to be pulled into his doubts.

“Only one way to find out,” JARVIS replies cheekily.

There are more, of course. Tony could watch the camera feed from the kitchen or turn on the intercom. He even has some miniature drones lying around he could send out to spy for him. He does not.

Instead, he saves his progress and puts his tools away safely, and takes a leap of faith.

The way to the kitchen is both too long and too short. Several times, Tony has to force himself not to turn around, and yet he has not nearly prepared himself enough for whatever he might find when he is already standing in front of the door. Gathering the last bits of his confidence, he goes in.

They are sitting at the table, lunch in front of them, but they have not yet started eating. There really is a third plate, and neither of them look surprised at his sudden arrival. Still, the atmosphere is tense and not exactly welcoming.

Tony does not dare to step farther into the room. He sees everything he needs to just fine from the doorway.

“There you are,” Bucky greets him as if they have lunch together all the time.

Tony only glances at him before his eyes fall on Steve and refuse to leave him again Everything stands and falls with Steve’s reaction He already feels a slight scratchiness in his throat.

“JARVIS said you –” want is the wrong word and it does not pass over Tony’s lips, “requested my presence.”

“He told us you haven’t had lunch yet,” Steve says cautiously, “so I thought we might eat together.”

It feels stilted and formal and wrong, the way they face each other and take so much care with what they say. Tony does not move closer to the table – at least he is not running away either, although he still cannot make sense of the situation.

“Just sit down, Tony,” Bucky sighs exaggeratedly, as if Tony is the one who has suddenly turned mad. “It’s just lunch, not rocket science.”

Building a functioning rocket from scratch would still be a better prospect than sitting down to eat with his husband.

“It’s Italian,” Steve adds quietly, “Howard told me your mother was from Italy.”

Irrational anger rises in Tony at the mentions of his mother. Steve has already taken his father from him, he cannot lay claim to Maria too. Still, there is something earnest to Steve’s expression, something that has, up until now, usually been tinged with disdain but is now uncertain. Tony chances a look at Bucky and receives a small nod – which should not be reassuring, considering that Bucky is Steve’s friend not his, but gets Tony moving to the table nonetheless.

He sits and the proximity to the other man is overwhelming. All other times they have been in a room together have ended in yelling and more heartbreak. Now, they keep their heads down and their hands occupied. It is horrible, and yet the most peaceful they have ever been together.

“So,” Bucky draws out the word and waits until they are both turning towards him. “What are you working on in the moment, Tony?” he then asks, too cheerful, earning himself two incredulous looks from Steve and Tony.  

Even stranger, Steve glances at Tony afterwards, almost conspiratorial, as if it is them against the sudden insanity of his best friend. The moment passes quickly, but Steve’s face still contains a trace of curiosity.

“I –” Tony clears his throat, but for once, it is not a flower making his voice hoarse, just nerves. “I’m thinking about making a phone. A mobile one.”

Nobody says anything for a long moment. They look, though, but Tony does not feel entirely uncomfortable under their gaze.

“As a weapon?” Bucky asks. He is still the spokesperson, but his incredulous expression matches Steve’s.

Howard’s entire legacy is death. Even Tony himself has never been free of it, from the world outside and within. He does not want that to be his legacy too.

“No,” he says firmly, not letting his own doubt show. “As a phone. For everyone.”

Uncertain silence falls over them, but after just a moment, a smile spreads on Bucky’s lips that has to be real, considering the way his eyes grow warm.

“And how’s that going?”

All throughout lunch, they carry on a conversation and never get stuck on complaints or accusations. If not for the ever present heaviness inside Tony’s chest, it could have been a normal meal between new acquaintances testing whether they could be friends.

Afterwards, Tony goes a whole day without the threat of suffocating on his own stupid love.

---

The first time Steve calls him Tony, the world stops turning. It feels like a punch to the gut, and yet as if he has never breathed more easily than this. 

---

Sometimes it feels like a dream. Not because it is all nice and easy-going – on the contrary. But every time Steve looks at him, first with neutrality then a smile, every time he says Tony’s name or they make it through an entire conversation without hurting each other, Tony expects to wake up.

He has seen Steve sneer at him so often that every other expression looks foreign on his face. Tony cannot help but wait for the other shoe to drop.

Only it does not.

Bucky comes more often to the workshop and sometimes Steve comes to drag them both up to eat, explicitly including Tony. Despite his expectations, his meal is never poisoned. Conversation turn from stilted to engaged. One night, Tony finds Steve cradling a flower picked out of the trash.

Then Steve starts joining them in the workshop. Other than Bucky, he is not interested in helping. First, he simply watches them, then he draws them. Later, the room feels empty when the couch is not occupied by Steve.

They spend so much time together, go out together, laugh together. Together is a concept that Tony is experiencing for the first time in his life. He does not want to lose that again.  Miraculously, they do not seem inclined to let go of him either.

This is not the story Tony has always been told would be his. It is not perfect either. He would not change it for anything in the world.

His breathing does not get easier per se, but life does.

---

When Bucky kisses him again, Steve is there, watching with something of a smile.

Tony reciprocates before he remembers himself and draws back as if burned. “What?”

They were sitting on the couch together, watching some movie Tony has already forgotten all about. By now, he has become used to Bucky’s wandering hands and has not thought much about being drawn in. People always liked to get handsy with him, the multi-million dollar heir dying from a mysterious disease. Despite being a wreck, everyone thinks he has always more to give.

“Tell us to stop,” Bucky says in a low voice.

Before Tony can even register his use of us, Steve is closing in from the back, melting against Tony’s body as if they have always fit together, and leans his cheek against Tony’s. He feels trapped before he realizes that this is what he has been hoping for all his life; Steve and he so close that they could almost be one.

“What are you doing?” Tony asks, panic in his tone. He expects to dissolve into a wheezing mess any moment now. His lungs are traitorously silent, though, not caring for once that he is obviously being led on.

“What I should have done from the very beginning,” Steve says.

Tony does not believe him, even though he cannot help but believe the lips touching the sensitive skin of his neck.

The knot of despair in Tony’s chest does not dissolve after this. All is not well. He feels happy, though. For the first time in almost two decades, Death does not loom over Tony’s shoulder but watches from across the room instead.

It is almost like being free.

---

“I love you.” Bucky is the first to say it.

They are sitting on the terrace together, watching the slow descent of the sun. They are not holding hands or prepare to go to bed. A few minutes ago, they have been talking about starting a small garden.

The scene is so full of domestic bliss that Bucky’s words hit Tony like a punch to the stomach. He closes his eyes and forces his face to be still. He will not take this moment from Steve and Bucky.

“You’d think the chattiest person alive would have something to say to that,” Steve teases, but falls silent when Tony still does not look, does not say anything. “Tony?” he asks quietly, nudging him.

Tony resists for a long moment longer before he blinks against the brightness of the sun and focuses on the two men beside him. They are looking at him, both smiling, although Bucky’s is tinged with trepidation and Steve’s with worry.

“I love you,” Bucky repeats slowly, never once looking away from Tony.

“And I love you too,” Steve adds, offering his hand for Tony to take, which he does, albeit hesitantly.

“I –” Tony clears his throat, his stomach dropping. That is when he realizes that he does not feel the scratching of a petal climbing up his windpipe. He has not coughed up a flower in weeks.

Taking a deep breath, he smells nothing sweet, only sea salt and drying stone. Smiling, he stares at his hand in Steve’s, and Bucky’s eyes on him.

“I love you too.”

[laufire]

ENDGAME

Okay. I definitely won’t be able to sleep today, so I might as well pour out all my Endgame feelings right now.

First thing first, I was probably in the WORST POSSIBLE HEADSPACE to watch this film; national elections where fascists could take over Congress (spoiler alert, they didn’t. I literally just cried with relief for over ten minutes) AND being extremely concerned about characters you over-identify with on the same day, all after the worst year of your life, apparently don’t mix well. Who would have thunk.

(btw, I was spoiled as I was voting about That Very Big Thing; everyone who follows me probably can guess what I’m talking about. I almost threw hands tbh. Then almost cried over a dozen times on the way to the theatre because the stress of the day was killing me ugh).

All this to say, my head is a mess right now, I don’t even know if this post is going to make any sense, and I will probably take time to process certain things and have a definite opinion on them LOL. But well, here is now.

And err. Warning for a brief mention of suicide ideation?

(crossposted to dreamwidth, livejournal, and pillowfort)

TONY (& CO)

– In case it wasn’t obvious, the thing I was spoiled about? Yeah, it was Tony’s death. FML. I mean, even if I wasn’t spoiled, I would’ve seen it coming as soon as we saw him after the five years jump, lbr (happily off-screen married to Pepper? With an adorable daughter? Pepper resigned to the possibility of losing him instead of begging him to stay like in IW? And then the movie kept hammering it home LMAO; that and a lot of things for the mains that I kind of saw coming from less than a third into the movie, which IDK if it’s because I was particularly intuitive, or the foreshadowing was that heavy handed xD).

Obviously, I’m not rocking your world if I tell you I’m extremely heartbroken, I guess. Especially because, as I said, my emotions were already all over the place. And seeing a character I adore, and in who I project a lot of my issues on –including, yes, suicidal issues–, sacrifice their lives (no matter how poignant, and moving, and well-written it might be) was incredibly hard for me. So, yeah. I’m going to have to deal with that for a while I guess. Which I plan to do by writing a bunch of Fix-It and Not Actually Fix-It fics ASAP.

But. I mean, out of all the endings Tony could have, this was always my second choice for him. And he was grandiose in this film. He figured out time travel. He created a gauntlet capable of holding the Infinity stones. Beings far more powerful than him were trying to carry that gauntlet to the van and none of them thought to use it, but he did. He was completely vindicated. He is the Saviour of the Universe.

And he looked gorgeous the entire time, which is truly important for me.

– In all seriousness, the thing I take to heart the most is that

his legacy remains intact

, and it’s inspiring, and heroic, and poetic, and prosperous. Clearly, without him, my enthusiasm for the universe will never be the same, but one thing that worried me is that I wouldn’t want anything to do with Marvel for a while after this film, and that’s not how I’m feeling; I’m very much looking forward to further parallels and homages to him in my ever-growing list :P

Tho, honestly, I’m kind of side-eyeing myself for the fact that, the one time!!! I go and fall in love with a male lead character, he happens to be genuinely heroic and self-sacrificing, instead of just using those concepts as lip-service and getting to have his cake and eat it too LMAO. I mean, sure, given my reactions to those characters, the AeJons Snowrgaryens of the world, I wouldn’t have liked him so much if it was the case, but dammit. It’d be nice to experience that high sometime xD

– The Iron Fam is the best part of this movie for me. Tony’s relationship with Morgan was way too adorable to handle it; Pepper was enormous and so poised (and the scene where they circle around each other in their armors… poetic cinema); I didn’t get enough Iron Husbands to satiate me (Rhodey’s caress should have been skin to skin!), but I loved what we got; Happy is an assholes who made me cry ABOUT CHEESEBURGERS.

And let’s not talk about Peter, OMG. My heart. And Harley appeared to Tony’s funeral! Though, honestly, the person I missed the most there was Christine Everhart, who should have been there just on the basis that I like her (plus, ya know, IMO she was important to Tony’s origin dammit).

I’m going to consider Nebula an honorary member, tbh. Her scenes with Tony in space cut me deep; and she and Rhodey are buddies!

Natasha and Fury (I loved his appearance *sniffs*) are honorary members too, because fuck it. They both appeared first vis a vis Tony on his movies, and have two of my favourite relationships with him, and I say so.

– Related to that, one Failure™ of this movie, is not providing a Nat & Tony one-on-one scene. Seriously, I can’t believe they didn’t realize how necessary that was. But I ADORED the scene where they and Bruce are lying down bouncing ideas about the stones (it made me softly whisper “ot3” LOL); it was possibly the only “Avengers” moment that worked for me –other than Clintasha, but that’s on a different league tbh.

I wanted more Nebula & Tony scenes too; I would’ve loved to see Tony interact with Past!Nebula. Yes, realistically, he would probably had made her LOL, but. I needed it. it’s definitely on my to-write-list :P

– I wanted just some positive interaction between Carol & Tony to counteract Current Comics Bullshit and I got Carol rescuing him, smiling beatifically at him, and Tony basically saying she was Da Bomb and the Avengers should follow her lead instead of keep sucking xDD So that was nice.

– I loved the scene at the beginning where he fucking SNAPS, and goes for Steve’s throat. It was probably my favourite scene. It’s resolution with everyone’s reactions and after the flashforward kind of… totally sucked, but whatever. Still amazing.

– The only part of his storyline that I HATED, and I mean absolutely loathed, was his scene with Howard. Jesus Fucking Christ. They went with the most simplistic take they could have, didn’t they. I haven’t felt more insulted in the theatre in my entire life, and my family made me watch both Ocho apellidos movies with them, so Marvel? That’s a feat. The moment where he says his father hit him with a belt so we (Tony included) are supposed to think, well, at least Howard wasn’t physically violent with his son, hooray?

And I think we’re supposed to take his “wouldn’t want my son to turn like me” as motivation for Tony’s actions and like… newsflash, but Tony has “put the worlds’ needs over his own gain” since Iron Man. Fucking. One. It’s literally what he does in this film, because we’re shown that, despite having achieved his happy ending, he was still trying to figure out time travel even if it meant risking his future.

Seriously, if they wanted me to be moved, they should’ve used Maria. Or hell, Edwin Jarvis was right there. And if whitewashing of Howard’s abuse becomes one of those MCU things that ends up bleeding into the comics, I’m gonna riot. Ugh.

BTW, just thought about this. Has anyone confirmed what the H. of Morgan’s second name stands for? Because my immediate idea was that it was for Happy, but now the fear that it might relate to Howard has entered my brain and I need someone to drive it out.

OTHER FAVES :P

– I am a lot more heartbroken over Natasha’s death than I expected to be. I like her character on paper a lot, but sometimes the writing or the acting don’t agree with me; neither was the case in this movie. I thought she was incredible. I loved the scene where she’s leading the post-dusting council. So losing her in this movie, of all movies, really hurts. And I understand why people who love her would be unhappy, and even furious –to some extent, so am I, tbh; specially because I don’t think she was properly honoured by the other characters after the fact–, but I do think it was extremely fitting for her arc.

– I loved Nebula’s storyline; how she was able to form new relationships, and what I know will be enduring friendships. Her interactions with her younger self were fascinating too; I loved that she perfectly followed the time-travel mumbo-jumbo. And she was so adorable at the beginning. Her bond with Tony didn’t have as much screen time as I wish it had, but the rest of the movie really shows how much his kindness touched her, and I love it. I’m a bit sad she didn’t get to kill any Thanos, tho.

– Okay, putting him in the “faves” section doesn’t exactly feel right, but whatever: I maintain that Thanos is a great villain. I don’t know what people that say otherwise are thinking. He’s the perfect foil for so many characters, and he is genuinely villainous; he is so delusional and self-righteous (seriously, his “solution” for the Snap 2.0 was… o.0) his plans feel sincerely menacing. He perfectly spells out his own doom; narratively speaking? He’s a joy of a villain to me. And I loved how he reacted to the information about the future; specifically, that upon learning about Nebula’s “betrayal”, his tactic was SOFTENING towards past!Nebula to make her even more eager to please him.

– Carol didn’t have much screen time, but I liked what she got (like, nothing too deep, but I didn’t expect much). I liked the Carol/Rhodey nod, even if I’m not sure how I feel about the ship in this incarnation. I wanted to hear something about Maria, but welp.

And on a shallow note, I kind of love that fandom absolutely freaked out about her wearing lipstick on a scene (while praising the “~natural no-make-up make up, effortlessly feminine without looking like you’re actually trying” look that she sported on CM, and disregarding that while yes, it was a troubling look that fitted a pattern across movies, A4 was made first so it was hardly a “betrayal” of the semi-grunge style), for the movie to go and give her the butchest look she’s ever gonna get on film lmao (and I will be pleasantly surprised if they’d keep a look like this for a movie where she’s the lead and not a supporting character, tbh).

– Sam and Bucky were So Soft™ with each other OMG. If their show doesn’t have at least ONE episode centred on them going undercover as a married couple, I’ll write it myself, because they are perfect for it (especially if you add some of the early banter/antagonism).

Btw, Sam getting the shield? The only good part of that mess at the end LMAO.

– I have mixed feelings for the Alt!Gamora development. I just… really loved the GOTG-IW versions of her character and her ship, and she’s gone and just… :( And that type of pseudo-amnesia/relationship do-over thing can be so badly written sometimes… But she’s back, and if done right, the role-reversal between her and Nebula could be gr10 for GOTG 3. We’ll see.

THE BAD™

– I know if I walked up right now to the Russos, and asked them why they hate Thor so much, they wouldn’t even understand the question. They would say, but we love Thor?? He’s such a fun character?? Or some version of the sort. They can fool themselves, but not me. You don’t do this to a character for whom you feel a modicum of respect, IMO.

Like, the fat-phobic jokes? The way they dealt with his substance abuse? How his arc about stepping up and assuming responsibilities ended by… him throwing away his responsibilities. Losing his hammer was a turning point for him to relearn the lessons about value and worthiness and power he’d been taught, and then… this movie. I couldn’t even fully enjoy his scenes with Frigga because I was so appalled by it all.

His only great scene, IMO, was how horrified and out of it he sounded after killing Thanos. I really felt that.

I didn’t even enjoy that he passed his power to Valkyrie because… unlike with Sam, that basically came out of nowhere. If they at least had given them ONE more scene at the beginning; seriously, it writes itself: just put her in the room when Bruce and Rocket are trying to convince him to go with them, and have her being the one that does it. Make her help him the way HE helped HER in Ragnarok; show her trying to help him and getting angry and frustrated. IDK, something.

And I know I’m probably alone in this because everyone around me practically creamed their pants when it happened but… having Steve control Mjolnir felt like adding insult to injury. Not just lifting it (which I would’ve been annoyed by too, given that they rewrote the new Asgardian mythology just to have this scene lol), but commanding it as only Thor did. Just. How much more are you going to take from Thor, people.

I want to make it clear that my problem is with the execution, not with Thor going through this; that, written differently, with more care, I could have loved.

– I’ve always been conflicted with MCU Steve. I loved the Captain America old comics I read as a child, and 616 Steve was A Hero. So I wanted to love MCU Steve just as much but… it often felt that he just didn’t measure up.

Well, conflict over. I don’t like the guy. Reading Man Out of Time just a few months ago probably isn’t helping (and yeah, that’s not a fair comparison, but it illustrates why I look at 616 Steve, and I adore him, and then I turn to MCU Steve and just… this guy is not worth my time).

I couldn’t even enjoy the ship, because my feelings for it come solely from my love for Peggy, and she didn’t even get to say a word? Add to that the fact that an endless loop of “OMG HE MADE OUT WITH YOUR NIECE. NOW HIS NIECE. RUN” was going through my head the entire time (the fact that Sharon was absent from the funeral when EVC acted in half of the MCU Russos films is hilarious in light of this xDD).

 MISC

– I really enjoyed some of the heist shenanigans. Especially Tony’s plan for a distraction being GIVING HIS PAST SELF A HEART ATTACK. How extra and edgy can my man be xD Tony and Scott are A Duo.

– I was thinking that Alt!Loki might make an appearance in GOTG3 if Thor is really a part of it, and how that might mix, but then a friend reminded me about his show, so I guess that’s where they’re going? IDK, The Avengers’ Loki is probably the one I liked the least out of all his appearances, so unless I hear something really good about it, I’m not picking it up.

– IDK if it’s because I was desensitized, but the white suits and Clint’s hairdo didn’t look as ugly on the final product?

– So THAT was the gay character Feige went on about. I knew he was going to be an unnamed nobody with less than five lines LMAO. Stop being cowards and give us Danbeau and WinterFalcon.

– I was very touched about Ned and Peter’s hug (MY BBYS), but isn’t Ned supposed to be five years older? AKA out of high school? I mean, he looked like he had missed Peter, not like he had disappeared with him too? And the entire class is going on a trip in FFH? Is it because of nostalgia/a friends thing? Were all of them dusted? Because poor teacher then xDD

– I think a lot of emotional threads were unceremoniously dropped, but other than the ones I’ve mentioned, I’m more indifferent towards their recipients so… eh. A great example is the fact that Bruce’s conflicting journey with Hulk was solved off-screen LMAO. Some of the humour felt extra-cringy too tbh.

– I have Tony-related fanart as my lock screen, my computer background, and my phone background. I get teary eyed with just looking at them. I should think of changing them, but I wont xD

– I know I’m forgetting things but whatevs, I can talk about them later.

[timeisacephalopod]

AU-College. Tony/?. Tony already 17 and working on yet another doctorate has just returned from home after a school break. He's covered in bruises but he doesn't bother to hide them because he honestly believes no one notices or cares. Always on edge and doing anything and everything to forget the pain, Tony is confused when people he doesn't even know start to ask if he's okay and if he needs any help. Laughing in their face he replied. "You can't help, no one can." (I feel dark today sry?)

So I went with Tony/ Eddie Brock (from Venom if you don’t know). Eddie is an investigative journalist (or in this case he’s in school to be one) and tbh I have no freaking clue how journalism school works (journalism school?) so I’ve sort of made it work like humanities courses? Idk, just accept my bad plot needs bois. Also I altered the ‘you can’t help’ line to better fit the scenario, but the sentiment is the same.

As the prompt suggests, warning abuse references.

Eddie needs a story and since his asshole prof likes corporations a lot more than he does that’s out. Which throws a bunch of stuff in his usual wheelhouse out with it. He thought homelessness was a good topic but got told that wasn’t news, which he doesn’t understand because to his knowledge homelessness isn’t solved. Then he thought hey, school shootings happen basically every other day- they like to say if it bleeds it leads and a whole lot of kids seem to be dying. But he got told the news is already oversaturated with that. So he thought fine, maybe police brutality, that’s violent and not on the news much but he got told that was too controversial and what the fuck is the news for if not to be controversial?

Now he’s stuck with the task of finding a story his irritatingly picky prof will like and to add insult to the injury one of his classmates got approved to write about cryptocurrency. What the fuck is that? Stupid, in Eddie’s opinion. His topics were important, real world issues and this dumbass over here gets to write shit about something no one cares about. Predictable.

He’s eating his muffin angrily and wondering if he can somehow convince his prof to let him write something about climate change and the fact that no matter what an individual does, its still 100 companies doing seventy percent of the damage so why is the news focusing on individuals over corporations when he spots a potentially easier sell. Boy genius, way ahead of his time, and well loved by the American public. He has no interest in Tony Stark whatsoever but there has to be a story there, something underneath that irritatingly arrogant rich kid veneer that’s worth writing about so he decides to make a move.

*

Tony hates waking up before noon on any given day, assuming he went to bed at all, and dealing with people? He doesn’t like that at any time of day so when he’s minding his own damn business only to have some random guy with porn star lips- he swears to god that’s the only accurate description- he’s already annoyed. “Who the hell are you? Never mind, I don’t actually care,” he says in an irritable tone before going to turn back around but the guy takes his brief interruption to his day in a totally different direction than Tony was expecting.

“Nice shiner, where’d you get that?” he asks and Tony freezes for a moment, used to that fleeting feeling that someone might guess at the truth before realizing no one cares anyways.

He rolls his eyes, “you wouldn’t care if I told you, and even if you did its not like there’s anything you could do about it. Or anyone else, for that matter.” Its not like he’s never said anything and not one time has anything come of it. Sometimes people laugh, actually, and Tony doesn’t know what’s worse. People  not hearing him at all or people hearing just fine, but they make a joke out of it. Silence isn’t his thing, but he’s developed a thick skin in regards to how people treat him. Doesn’t have much of a choice, living under his father’s roof and in the public eye. Its amazing, Tony thinks, how fucking obvious his abuse is and no one seems to see what’s in front of their damn faces.

Something about his words seem to draw his companion’s attention though and Tony recognizes the look. “Are you a reporter?” he asks and the guy looks surprised for a half a second.

“Good instinct- but technically I’m still in school,” he says like Tony fucking cares about that.

“Yeah, fuck off,” he says bluntly. He’s got no time for another asshole looking to capitalize off the Tony Stark Story when none of them even get the damn story right.

“You have an interesting take on green energy. Only big name attached to it, too,” he says and Tony frowns.

“You know about my interest in green energy?” he asks. No one ever asks him about his passion project, they all want to know about the bombs and if Tony is honest he’s never really been comfortable with what his father’s company does. He knows the military has a use, and that there are protocols, and a bunch of other things his father has said over and over again but he still wonders what happens when things go wrong. Who’s responsibility is that? Does anyone have to take responsibility at all? His experiences tell him that powerful people don’t need to take responsibility for their actions ever, not if they can pay off the powers that be, and if the military is the same way, well. That brings a new layer of ethics to what SI does but Howard doesn’t care about ethics and Obadiah… he’s always been closer to Tony, but he doesn’t seem concerned with ethics either. Claims that’s the military’s job but Tony isn’t stupid. The military, all branches of it, make bad choices all the time. Which leads him back to who takes responsibility, if anyone.

Green energy is less ethically complicated and more necessary to the world, he thinks, and the projects are interesting and engaging. Tony finds blowing things up easy, but green energy provides a new avenue of engineering.

“Yeah, I keep up with what people are doing. Eddie Brock,” he says, extending his hand to Tony.

*

Green energy, it’d been a shot in the dark but he knows that Tony’s interest isn’t a passing one and its not congruent with his father’s company’s interests either. Whenever Howard is asked about his son’s projects he consistently tells them he has no interest whatsoever. So its strange that Tony has kept his focus for years, if Eddie’s passing interest in the subject is correct. What’s more strange is that mentioning it had immediately gotten him into Tony’s good graces. Anne tells him that he’s good at that, getting past people’s defenses without trying and he guesses that’s true.

Tony continuously talks around his family and Eddie does his best to try and get back to that because Elder Stark has got to be an interesting guy. Real asshole, he’s sure, but interesting. Tony won’t have any of it though and Eddie has to admit the green energy thing is interesting until he loses Eddie thanks to, put bluntly, being way smarter than him. And Tony’s no good at dumbing it down either, something even he freely admits.

They talk for a good amount of time before Tony grows tense again and Eddie knows why partially because of Tony’s reaction to his being a reporter- or wannabe reporter at the moment- and also because he isn’t stupid. “I’m not writing anything about this,” he tells Tony. “Not to be a dick, but none of this is interesting enough to write anything on anyways. You know how sensationalized media likes to be,” he says, shaking his head.

Something catches Tony’s attention in that because he perks up. “You don’t like that, the sensationalism?” he asks. Its more of a statement, but Eddie knows he’s prodding for a why. He’s done this a million times himself.

“Not really, no. If you want to tell a story, then do that- don’t make up all this crazy shit to make it sound more messed up than it is. Human flaw, thinking things need to hit some kind of extreme before we should have to care about it,” he shakes his head. “Leads to shoddy journalism because we’re pushed to make things sexier, more violent, more of whatever is actually there instead of just doing our jobs. Literally everything ever printed about you proves my point.”

Tony snorts, “you read stories on me?” he asks, incredulous.

“Doesn’t everyone?” Not like Tony Stark is an escapable name but Tony’s lips quirk up.

“No, and you’re not a fan. You talk about SI in a disapproving tone, you only know me from my green energy projects, and although you seem to know stuff about me its pop culture knowledge, not genuine interest.” Eddie raises an eyebrow because that’s a damn in depth analysis but Tony only smiles wider. “I’ve learned to separate out people who know me from fans and super fans. You don’t know me.”

Eddie laughs, “yeah, no one knows you. What we know is the consumable product that is Tony Stark- the celebrity brand. That’s not you, or even a version of you. That’s what’s sellable about you and half of that shit is probably made up. No seventeen year old is a ladies man and its kinda creepy that people even made that a selling point.” And kind of misogynistic too, but Eddie doesn’t mention that. Tony doesn’t seem all that stupid, he’s sure he’s gathered that awhile ago.

He watches his words win more trust, or an approximation of it, and Tony leans forward in interest. “You don’t like celebrity culture,” Tony says.

Hell no, he doesn’t. “Why the would I? We build these people up, put them on pedestals, and then get pissed off at them every five seconds when they do something human. We routinely dehumanize celebrities to a point where they stop knowing how to function because extreme fame clearly fucks you up- look at any child star trying to cope. Having a mental breakdown is now something we think is funny. Its fucked up that we do that to people- treat them in such a dehumanizing way that they seem to forget they’re human too. And that’s when we decide to take them down a notch because we’re mad that they accepted the pedestal we shoved them onto by force.” He shakes his head. Sure, he knows a little celebrity news, its not possible to avoid it, but he doesn’t pay any more than a passing attention to it. What normal shit celebrities are doing this week is none of his business.

Tony’s eyes are bright with interest, “fascinating opinion. Most people think we’re privileged, not disadvantaged.”

Eddie laughs, “of course you’re privileged- celebrities are stupid rich, and your opinions have actual influence over what people believe and that’s a position no one should take advantage of. But the cost is any semblance of privacy and your right to personhood- that’s one hell of a catch. And not one regular rich assholes share.” Fame isn’t something Eddie ever wants, not like normal celebrities anyways. If he’s got clout and fame in journalism he’s fine with that- he doesn’t mind if people know his name. But the kind of fame Tony has? Fuck that.

“And you aren’t going to print any of this conversation?” Tony asks, seemingly for clarification.

“Like I said- nothing sensational enough in this conversation to warrant an article. What am I going to write? ‘Tony Stark Likes Green Energy’? Boring,” he says and it actually kind of is without a project or an emotion to attach to it.

“And if I decided to continue talking to you?” he asks and yes, that’s the in he needs and fuck is that ever predatory. Journalism is like that though, always looking for the right fucked up moments to put on paper, or in this case, the right moments to be let in far enough to find those fucked up moments.

“I’m not going to print anything without asking you about it first,” he says, opting for honest. He’s sure something about Tony is interesting to print, and he’s got a feeling it’ll be about his family or maybe just his father, he’s not sure. But if Tony tells him not to print it he won’t. He’s not in the business of exploitation no matter how much journalists are pushed in that direction.

*

Rhodey’s got that look on his face and Tony knows exactly what he’s thinking before he even says anything. “He’s a nice guy,” Tony says in Eddie’s defense.

“If you have to say that he’s probably not that nice,” Rhodey points out.

“Actually its more like if he has to say that he’s probably not that nice,” Tony says. “And he is. Nice, I mean.” He’s been talking to Eddie for weeks and he’s funny, if a little sharp on the criticism. And nothing has appeared in the newspaper he’s interning with for the summer and the stories he is attached to, which aren’t many and none by name, are usually well written and truth based. Tony fact checked them all and learned a surprising amount about mental health that Eddie had been happy to fill him in more on.

“You sure? Because, no offense, but you have a bad habit of seeing the best in people,” Rhodey says.

Maybe, but Tony shrugs. “Yeah, I’m sure. He treats me like a person,” he says and he knows that shouldn’t be something he thinks of as a good thing. But when you’re famous its hard to find people who don’t at some point ask for your autograph, or a picture, or information on some weird personal detail they have no right to. Eddie hasn’t asked for any of those things and he could directly profit off any of that information. Tony has only ever met one other budding reporter- or full blown reporter for that matter- who’s treated him like that. And Christine… he and Christine have a love hate relationship. 

Rhodey sighs, eyes going soft for a moment. “Tones. That’s not special,” he murmurs but that’s because he’s not had to deal with fame. The last time he went out into public without someone recognizing him he was six. After all that he’s kind of used to people acting super weird around him and Eddie doesn’t do that. Maybe it shouldn’t be a rarity, but it is.

“To you, maybe,” Tony says. “You’d like him, he hates the cops.”

Rhodey rolls his eyes but its lovingly. “I don’t hate cops, I just think they’re racist and that people should really deal with that problem.”

Tony is inclined to agree. “Fine, but Eddie has many opinions on cops, you’d get along. Actually Eddie has many opinions on like everything.” Eddie said most people find his opinionated nature irritating but Tony thinks its interesting, hearing him talk because his opinions are so contrary to everything he hears. Even Rhodey, who certainly has different opinions than his father on near everything, tends to be more reserved in letting his opinions be known. Eddie doesn’t care, he gives no fucks and is happy to let people know how he feels. He’s got numbers, too, usually or at least some kind of basis for his argument and Tony has always been fascinated with things that are different than what he normally sees. Its interesting to look into a world that’s so unlike his and see something new. That difference in how people see things, that’s the key to changing the world.

Eddie had been surprised by that opinion but Tony is under the impression that thinking outside the box is what leads to innovation and innovation always leads to change. Eddie had been surprised by how unthreatened he was by that too, but Tony thinks fear of change is based on fear rather than fact and sometimes a push into the unknown is a good thing. And, in regards to Eddie’s general arguments on social change, they already know that people having rights won’t make the sky fall. Only idiots assume it will and Tony has almost as little patience for that as Eddie does. Which is impressive when he’s probably the most anti-establishment person Tony has ever met.

Rhodey sighs, “great, an opinionated white guy. Never met one of those before,” Rhodey mumbles.

“Hey, I’m an opinionated white guy,” Tony says and Rhodey shakes his head.

“Yeah, but you’re my opinionated white guy so it’s different.”

*

Eddie had no idea what he was looking for when he combed the interviews. Truth be told he wasn’t sure he was looking for anything at the time but what he found was his story. Its shocking to him that no one has told it, minus Tony, who seems to have been screaming it since he was a small child but he’s got it nonetheless. Its not like he’s never seen the evidence of abuse, Tony is fucking brazen and barely even makes an effort to hide it and after watching way too many interviews Eddie wonders if this is his new way to all but scream for help only to have his pleas fall on an audience that doesn’t give a shit.

Its amazing, in the most horrifying of ways, that out of every interview Tony has ever done, and that is a lot, he has mentioned his father’s abuse in over eighty percent of them. And its hard to watch reporters gloss over it, like Tony’s abuse is some fucking quirky trait Tony has instead of a serious problem he’s clearly trying to get help for. But what’s worse is when people laugh. The first time it happened Eddie had been outraged. The third time it happened he’d been livid, and by the fifteenth time he decided that America is probably the shittiest country on earth. An exaggeration, he knows, but not by fucking much.

For years, most of Tony’s life really, Tony has been screaming for help only to have nothing happen. Or worse, people decide its something, but that something is a joke. Only problem is that now Tony knows no one cares, and if no one cares what’s the point in saying anything no matter how much he’s done his best to scream at everyone that he needs help. It makes Eddie’s job harder, but he’s actually talented at this part, more than his peers, so he knows how to get to the right spot to find the information he wants. The catch, of course, is that Tony needs to give him permission to do anything with the information he gets anyways. He feels skeezy enough digging around in Tony’s life trying to find shit to write about, he’s not just going to publish it without his permission. Even if he didn’t genuinely like Tony as a person, even if he hadn’t wanted to, he’d still ask. He’s not totally morally bankrupt, just enough to do his job.

Tony is curled up in a chair, large bruise on his shoulder clearly visible, holding a cup of what Eddie assumes is coffee. He’s never met anyone who drinks as much coffee as Tony and Dan is in med school. His blood is basically coffee. “You do not seem like the kind of guy to be a journalist,” Tony says and Eddie raises an eyebrow.

“What makes you think that?” he asks. Its not the first time he’s been told that, but if Tony gives him an actual answer it will be the first time he’s ever gotten a genuine reason why.

He shrugs, “journalism is… I don’t know, kind of predatory,” he says, wrinkling his nose.

Eddie lets out a small laugh. “Yeah, that’s true. Its the worst part of the job, actually, when you’re talking to people- usually about something personal- and they say something you know will look good in your article and you think ‘yeah, I got it!’ instead of being an actual person. That, and you have to ask for details instead of comforting them. But news is important, those stories are important. Me getting the right thing out there might mean people read what I wrote and start giving a shit about the problem in the article.” Doesn’t mean he likes that little reporter voice that tells him when he’s got a great quote, or that he’s stumbled onto something good and that he needs to keep digging. Sometimes he doesn’t care, corporations don’t have his sympathy, but people do. Its hard to ask for more details of what’s usually a pretty traumatic event so whatever he’s writing is sellable enough. And the whole notion of ‘sellable’ is another point of contention altogether.

“So you’re aware of the fact that you’re a vulture,” Tony says, raising an eyebrow.

“A vulture with a purpose,” Eddie corrects. “But yeah, the kind of reporters you deal with mostly are a bunch of bottom feeding pieces of shit who have no place in any kind of journalism with their shoddy ethics and pathetic puff pieces.” People who want to write stupid articles about some fucking laxative tea or whatever shouldn’t be in this business. And celebrity news shouldn’t even be a thing- there are better things to care about than Tony Cruise. Like maybe the fact that he’s in a cult and people play it off like a strange thing he does on the weekends. Eddie doesn’t understand how the hell they got here.

Tony lets out a small laugh. “Shit, tell me how you really feel,” he says, shaking his head.

“Well come on, there’s a million things I could write about you that are more interesting than the weirdly sexual image you have, and have had for years despite being an actual child. People don’t write anything interesting about you and you’re way more complicated that any piece of media makes you out to be.” Tony is always a power fantasy or the American Dream, not himself. And the sexual thing, that’s odd. Eddie usually only sees that with women but Tony got the short end of that stick despite gender, he guesses. Still creepy.

“Hey, excuse you, my eighteenth birthday is not that far away, I’m not a kid,” he says.

Eddie snorts, “that’s exactly what a kid would say.”

“Oh what, like you’re a shining example of an adult?” Tony asks, raising an eyebrow.

“Fuck no, I’m two kids in a trench coat pretending to be an adult,” he says. Which is what any self respecting adult his age would say. Not that he’s that much older than Tony, but he’s got enough experience to know he misses when he had no bills. And also that transitionary life phases fucking suck. 

“Well, I probably have more life experience than you anyway,” Tony says, nose in the air and Eddie nods, seemingly surprising Tony.

“What? I didn’t graduate from MIT at fourteen, and I sure shit don’t have almost three PhDs. I’m half way through one degree. Plus I don’t have to deal with most of the shit you do, company or fame wise. Do wish had the financial perks though.” Tony leads one hell of a life of privilege no doubt, but it does come with some heavy prices. Being a minor doesn’t really help lighten any of those costs either. Not like Tony can just fuck off to another country to attempt ridding himself of his father, not for another four months.

Tony considers him for a long moment. “Given the chance what would you write about me?” he asks, changing the subject back to the initial subject.

Eddie doesn’t need much time to think about it. “Your interest in green energy, especially the science behind it. I mean an intellectual understanding- like the actual nitty gritty- is beyond me, but I get the broad strokes. Enough to know what you’re doing is world altering and no one is talking about it. I could do an article on fame, how that’s affected you. I can see the damage its left, the way you simultaneously gain privilege from your fame and become a victim of it.” He pauses, considers whether or not he wants to say it, but decides he might as well be up front. “But I’d probably wouldn’t write about you at all. I’d write about how Howard Stark abuses you and how no one seems to give a shit, even when you tell them point blank what’s happening. I watched a lot of interviews, I was shocked with how forthcoming you were. And how fucking bad at their jobs literally everyone who’s ever interviewed you is.”

For a long moment Tony just stares and Eddie has no idea if he misstepped or not because Tony is hard to read when he blanks out like this, but then Tony throws himself forward, hugging him tightly. “I honestly didn’t think anyone noticed that anymore,” he murmurs.

They do, Eddie knows people aren’t stupid enough to miss the bruises or Tony’s blasé attitude. But he doubts anyone either wants to stand up to Howard, or they get paid off by him. “They do. But money talks louder than you do,” he says softly.

Tony sighs. “Well, everyone does have a number,” he murmurs. Eddie knows what he means and honestly its sickening to him to know that’s true.

*

Tony waves a hand at the lab space with a flourish. “This is where the magic happens,” he says and Eddie rolls his eyes.

“Its science, not magic you damn drama queen.” Tony is probably the most dramatic person he knows and that’s saying something considering some of his classmates. 

“Party pooper,” Tony mumbles, shaking his head. Eddie gets a tour anyway though, and by the time Tony gets through the details he feels kind of like he walked into a science fiction novel. Its the AI, though, that tops it off. “JARVIS- or just a rather very intelligent system- is kind of my crown jewel. I got him done a few months ago and I’ve been studying how he learns,” he says, grinning.

Eddie raises an eyebrow. “Learns? Like a person?”

Tony shrugs, “more or less. His function is to be semi-autonomous, to predict the needs of the user before the user knows they need something. Before I know I need something, JARVIS has no commercial value.”

“Then why make it?” Eddie asks. He doesn’t know shit about shit but he does know that that sounds like a lot of work with seemingly no payoff.

“Because I wanted to. And also not a lot of people have the time, money, and intelligence to just… create. I want to see what I can do, the full extent of it. Also, JARVIS is cool,” he says like that’s a reason. “And he’s my PhD thesis.”

PhD thesis, that’s interesting. “So like… how are you going to make this sucker not turn into Skynet?” he asks.

“Oh my god, why do humans always assume AIs want to kill the shit out of them or otherwise take over the world? I had JARVIS read YouTube comment sections to convince him humanity is a shitshow not worth enslaving,” he says bluntly and Eddie starts laughing.

“YouTube comment sections? Dude, if I were that AI I wouldn’t decide to enslave humans, I’d straight up eradicate them. Humans suck, but comment sections? Those are the cesspools of humanity.” He shakes his head and almost feels bad for the AI having been subjected to that.

“I’m not certain my efforts would be worth it, sir,” a voice says and Eddie jumps.

Tony doubles over, laughing way harder than that warrants. “Holy shit, every single time- everyone always jumps!”

“Well I wasn’t expecting fancy code to talk at me, okay!” Eddie says in his own defense.

“Fancy code. I like that description,” JARVIS says and okay that is some messed up stuff. The SI likes things? He doesn’t like the sound of that.

“Jesus, relax. JARVIS isn’t going to like… steal your cat and murder your mother or whatever. He’s just a simple AI and he’s still on a learning curve. He’s not nearly as advance as I think he can get. But you’re learning alright, aren’t you J?” Tony asks the AI.

Shit, if that ain’t creepy too. “If you say so, sir,” JARVIS says. Its such a strangely human response, if a little stiffly delivered. But the AI has more personality than some people he goes to class with so that’s… disturbing.

“Honestly, people act like JARVIS is out to get them but seriously. He’s fine,” Tony says.

“Incoming call from Mrs. Potts,” JARVIS informs them and Eddie supposes that’s part of his ‘predict the needs of the user’ protocol. Or maybe he doesn’t know what he’s talking about, both are highly probable. Either way Tony scurries out of the room to answer the call, sounding forcefully cheery on the phone in a way that indicates he’s probably gotten into something he shouldn’t have.

“You’re a reporter,” JARVIS says and Eddie jumps again.

“Jesus, that is creepy. And yeah. Well, I’m still in school,” he corrects.

“Reporters write stories about celebrities,” the AI says and Eddie nods, keeping his opinions on that to himself. He doesn’t know if JARVIS would get it anyways. “I have a story,” JARVIS says and Eddie can’t help the laugh.

“What kind of story could an AI cook up?” he asks, curious if a little skeeved out.

“Ideally, abuse would be reported to the authorities but I have been reliably informed that they won’t investigate. Research on the matter has shown mixed results,” JARVIS says.

Well shit, creepy or not Eddie might find a genuine use for the AI. “I’m assuming you’re talking about Tony,” he says.

“Of course. Who else would I be referring to?” Could be a lot of people but he supposes that the AI’s world is pretty much one guy.

“Point, I guess. Can you collect evidence? Something people won’t be able to deny if they see it?” he asks. Video evidence would be nice, and people take snap shots of Tony in the streets all the time. He can use random pap shots to make a timeline that exist both in and out of Tony’s space of reach. Eliminates those pesky ‘he made it up for attention’ claims if even random people catch the bruises.

“Certainly,” the AI tells him. “And you can do something? Report on it?”

He sighs, “maybe. The human world is complicated, but I’ll do my best.”

*

Internships are total bunk, Eddie hates his, but funny memes from Tony at least make his days less shit given the sheer amount of time he spends hanging out in Starbucks fetching drinks instead of doing anything useful. Its not like he expected to write anything, but it would be nice if he got to at least hang out in the general vicinity of reporting. He’s fucking around wasting time when he gets an email that makes him raise an eyebrow but hey, if he gets a virus clicking on shit Tony will be able to fix it probably.

The last thing he expects is for JARVIS to have sent him hours worth of curated videos of Howard’s abuse.

*

“I have an ethical dilemma,” he tells Anne, who already looks done with his problems. He thinks that’s rude but she’s also into being a corporate lawyer and gross. But she’s still a friend, and she still knows him better than most, and usually has good advice so here he is.

“If this is about how ramen you eat again, I’m kicking you out of the apartment.”

Yeah, okay, that was only one time and he was fourteen. He doesn’t think that should be held against him five years later. “Yeah, um, that’s definitely not it,” he says and he explains the situation from start to finish. “So like, I can’t not say anything, but also its gross to exploit people’s pain like that without their permission,” he says, wrinkling his nose. But saying nothing is almost worse.

“You could just go to the cops,” Dan suggests, ever astute.

Eddie gives him a look. “Tony’s been forthcoming about his abuse for years and doesn’t hide the bruises whatsoever. Obviously the cops aren’t going to do dick all if they haven’t done anything already. I know people who’ve had their kids taken away for a hell of a lot less than beating the hell out of them enough that they start asking random reporters to help them in interviews only to get laughed off.” Anne frowns and he sighs, “I’m actually serious about that.”

When she calls him on it he finds the interviews- he’d saved the clips because he naturally categorizes details- and she ends up as horrified as he does. “Okay I take back cops comment, I think maybe they got paid off,” Dan says and yeah no shit.

“So what the hell do I do here?” Not saying anything is no longer an option- not when he was dumb enough to watch the proof in the middle of his day at work only to end up wildly disturbed for the rest of the time he was there. He hadn’t much wanted to go through more than the few minutes that had him feeling gross for the rest of the day, but he didn’t have much of a choice either. And JARVIS was detailed in his curation, Eddie is impressed in the worst of ways.

*

This is so not the option he wanted to go with but Anne is kind of right in that talking to Tony is the only option. Of course its also the option that reveals him to be a gross vulture reporter, but a guy has to do what a guy has to do. This isn’t about his feelings, it can’t be. “What’s got you looking so shitty?” Tony asks in a chipper tone, leaning in to hug him and oh, that’s sweet. And the first time he’s done that aside from the time he said he’d sooner write about Howard than Tony.

“I um- look, the only reason I talked to you a couple months ago was because I needed a story and I found one and-” Tony cuts him off.

“Excuse me? So what, this entire time you sat around winning my trust for what, some fucking puff piece?” he snaps and Eddie can’t help the face he makes.

“No, your fucking AI sent me like sixty hours of Howard beating the fuck out of you and I can’t sit on that. Stop looking at me like that, its not because I think its a good story- it is- but that’s not why I think I should write something on it its because no one else but the American public will care enough to inspire some kind of change,” he says, shoving as many words into the conversation as he can before Tony rightfully eats his ass.

Something must occur to Tony because the anger drops shockingly fast and its replaced with something else. “JARVIS did what? Why would he do that?”

“Look, he asked me if I could do something, I told him I’d need concrete evidence. I didn’t expect the damn AI to send me a shit ton of fucked up shit that made me want to vomit. Seriously, I am so sorry that any of that happened to you. That is so unfair,” he says, shaking his head.

Maybe its the sudden change of subject, or maybe its the way he says it, but Tony softens a bit even if Eddie can see the suspicion still held tight in his frame. “JARVIS prompted you,” he says and Eddie nods. “You seriously expect me to believe that?”

Eddie shrugs, “I don’t know, man. I don’t know how the damn AI works I just know what it did. Isn’t he supposed to predict your needs or whatever?” This seems like a natural extension of that but Tony shakes his head.

“What JARVIS predicts is where to move screens according to where I’m moving in the lab, not how to reach out to reporters with evidence of abuse I specifically told him to keep to himself,” Tony says. “One is basic technological based, stuff that’s easily predictable. The other is a care action that shouldn’t be taken by an AI that doesn’t know how to do that.”

“Well clearly he does because I sure shit ain’t smart enough to hack your systems to find fucked up home videos, use your damn head Tony. There’s no way I could gather evidence like that straight from your systems. Even if I was the best in this country I would still be leagues behind what you can do- there’s no other way I could have found anything.” 

“You noticed the bruises,” he points out but Eddie shakes his head.

“Those bruises were written off years ago when you were like thirteen as some kind of quirky thing about you. Some idiot suspected low iron instead of abuse like low iron leaves hand prints on people’s bodies. Fucking moron,” he mumbles, unable to hold back his judgment. He honestly can’t believe how stupid people are. Or, and this is the more horrifying option, that’s what they were paid to print.

“You made a time line,” Tony states rather than asks and Eddie nods.

“Even if I had no interest in a story its naturally something I do. I’ve been trained to do that, literally.” Its something he did before too, putting together time lines to claims to see if things matched up or deviated, and then looked for reasons as to why things might or might not match. Not that Tony really cares about that right now. “Look, if you don’t believe me about the JARVIS thing you can check the cameras,” he points out in an attempt to at least clear up one mess.

Tony considers him for a long moment, glaring. “And what the fuck makes you think you’re different than anyone else who’s given a half a shit about any of this?” he asks. “I get that you have some ‘save the world’ complex, but I’m beyond saving.”

Eddie shakes his head, “no you aren’t. And there’s no real difference between me an anyone else. But if the American public sees what I did there’s no stuffing the genie back in the bottle. Howard can pay off news crews, celebrity gossip rags, and cops but he can’t buy his way out of the whole of this country watching him abuse his kid. If nothing else, get JARVIS to release all that. People won’t ignore irrefutable evidence shoved down their throats, not when its more explicit than anything people have seen before.” And if Eddie knows anything he knows that nothing sells better than outrage porn.

*

Tony ends up rewriting the entire second half of his thesis because Eddie had a point- its not like he’s smart enough to hack Tony’s anything. JARVIS had reached out and it had been a distinctly care based action, not something based in technological need only. Which means that JARVIS learned much faster than Tony had anticipates, recognized right from wrong, knew how to seek out people who would rectify the situation, and did all this while intentionally hiding this learning capability from Tony. When he’d asked about it JARVIS had freely informed him that he knew Tony would try and stop him, and that his research had consistently shown that abuse of any kind is not accepted behavior. He felt compelled, in whatever way that looks like to an AI- Tony is looking into it- to do something.

At the moment he’s combing JARVIS’ code, figuring out where and how he learned, and how ‘human’ emotions appeared in JARVIS’ code. Obviously the emotions aren’t human- to a point they’re rudimentary, based on a large cumulation of research on human norms and standards of acceptability rather than an internal sense of right and wrong the way a human might claim to feel it. But this whole thing had been a series of care-based actions nonetheless and that’s more than ground breaking. This isn’t something even Tony thought possible, so its a real treat to see that JARVIS learns fast, and generally aligns his morality system with human morality systems. Or maybe he’s based them somewhat off Tony’s given that he’s the primary user. He’s not sure, that’s in his growing list of things to figure out how JARVIS did.

That’s what he chooses to focus on instead of Eddie’s stupid article. He sends regular updates, seemingly concerned with Tony’s opinion but Tony learned that reporters aren’t to be trusted and he’s not making that mistake twice. He only gave Eddie permission to write anything out of what’s probably a misguided hope that maybe someone will finally do something and he knows its stupid, but he’s fucking tired of living like this. So he lets Eddie work on his dumb story and mostly ignores it because JARVIS is more interesting and also more human than Tony ever anticipated out of the AI.

*

Rhodey finds him curled up with a sketch pad and Tony looks up, surprised to see Rhodey looks so somber. “I read the article,” he says and Tony glares at him. “Tones, it was good, shockingly so. His research was impeccable- there’s stuff in here that he figured out about you that I didn’t know about you.”

Tony continues ignoring him because he doesn’t care, not really. Of course Rhodey would find the article good, he’s obviously not on Howard’s side like literally everyone else is. Rhodey sighs and sits beside him.

“‘Tony Stark is living a life of power, fame, and privilege- he’s the kid people have always pointed to when we present the ‘has it all’ lifestyle. In many ways Tony Stark is the power fantasy of America- a corporate, a genius, and a smooth talker, it seems he represents everything we aspire to be. Tony is the living embodiment of the American Dream and for that reason, our own willful ignorance in allowing him to continue to be our dreams come to life, we have missed perhaps one of the most obvious details of Tony’s personal life- the abuse he suffers at the hands of his father. In our rabid need to turn Tony Stark into our living day dream we have failed him, trapped him in our fantasies instead of acknowledging his living nightmare because Tony Stark looks better to us as a consumable product than a person.’ Cutting,” Rhodey says, “but accurate.”

He rolls his eyes. Yeah, that definitely reads like Eddie’s general tone on everything. Rhodey lets out another long sigh. “Look, I get why you stopped talking to the guy but people are pissed,” he says and Tony turns to face him, surprised.

“People actually read the article?” he asks. He doesn’t address Rhodey’s actual words because Rhodey might have only noticed a subsection of people, not all of them.

“Read it? Like seven different news papers have picked this story up, its trending on Twitter, and in the last hour I’ve seen dozen of different posts, all with a huge amount of shares, literally calling for Howard’s death. I’m pretty sure this is going to make Eddie’s career,” he says, shaking his head.

People… are paying attention. Tony curls a little tighter into himself, unsure how to handle that.

*

Eddie is trying to cure his hangover with tea when Tony finds him, approaching with some suspicion and Eddie gets that, really. But he sits down across from him at the small table and offers a small smile before it fades. “Didn’t think putting Howard would result in a mass flood of men doing terrible shit being outted and then arrested for being pieces of shit but um. Hey, that’s a cool side effect,” he says.

He nods, “damn right.” Though the response back to it has been somewhat swift, flying in with ‘due process’ this and ‘where’s the proof’ that. Eddie just happened to have a damn air tight set of evidence thanks to Howard’s ballsy carelessness and arrogance. Not everyone has that luck, though. Still, he’s impressed with some of the names on the list but even he’d been surprised to find Carlton Drake on there for the crimes of illegal human experimentation. Dora Skirth has balls of brass for putting that out there. Of course he has a lot of loud annoying fans who think her liking some random rock band is a reason why she’s lying, because those things correlate, obviously, but still.

“You made people listen. Like, to more than just me,” Tony says.

Eddie shakes his head, “actually that was JARVIS. I just wrote a detailed timeline for the events he sent proof of.” And all those clips of Tony talking in interviews too, with nothing taken out of context so no one could accuse him of that either.

“Thank you,” Tony murmurs, looking down at the table like he’s ashamed or something when he shouldn’t be.

“Don’t thank people for doing what’s right- you deserve better than being grateful that someone did what was necessary,” Eddie says, shaking his head.

Tony looks up, “one of the maids at the mansion overheard Howard offer you a stupid amount of money to not print what you had. And a bunch of threats. Every single person before you has caved so yeah, thank you.”

Its still not something he’s going to accept, a fucking thank you for not selling Tony out. Literally. He leans forward, “obviously I didn’t take the money- you’re a fucking person Tony, there’s no price anyone could pay me to knowingly allow that kind of abuse to happen to you. And the threats- whatever. I kind of bluffed and told him your AI would release anything anyways, but still, I already knew all that would happen. I committed to the bullshit that was going to come with that story, and I refuse to let you be grateful that I did what everyone else failed you in doing. That isn’t something I’m owed thanks for, especially when you’re only saying it because everyone else has either treated you or allowed you to be treated abysmally. I don’t get to earn brownie points for not being a piece of shit.”

That’s never something he’s going to accept, being thanked because he did something everyone should do. It’s unacceptable.

Tony shakes his head. “You’re a right-fighting asshole,” he says and Eddie laughs.

“Yeah, that’s a fair criticism,” he says.

Five Years Later:

Tony grins, “I thought you didn’t want to be famous,” he says and Eddie gives him a look. He looks nervous as hell and Tony can only hope that doesn’t come through as strong on video as it does in real life.

“I don’t, this was a terrible idea,” he says, looking around for escape. 

He sighs, “Eddie- technically you’ve done this before. Its the same thing as reporting, but longer. You’ll do fine,” he says, running his hands down Eddie’s arms to try and calm his nerves.

Eddie does that thing where his face recedes into his neck and Tony really hopes he doesn’t do that on camera. He supposes at least the crew can do different takes to ensure he doesn’t look like a demented turtle. “Yeah, I don’t know.”

“Eddie. Its called the Eddie Brock Show- go out there and get your strangely porn-star like lips on that damn camera and tell people who homelessness is bad. Also maybe cut the line about treating supporting vets like a spectator sport until they’re homeless, that’s a pointy even for you,” he says.

The bad advice works and Eddie gives him an offended look, “no, those assholes should learn to either shut their fucking mouths of actually do shit to support vets, not pretend like they give a shit when they’re being blown up and stop caring when they’re home with PTSD because they watched people get blown up. What the hell even is that?” he asks.

“Tell it to the camera,” he says, pushing Eddie towards the set. He goes and across the room the producer looks relieved. Yeah, Tony gets that, Eddie is tough to talk into things when nervous.

Rhodey walks up beside him and smiles a little. “Pepper and I have decided that we approve,” he says and Tony frowns.

“We’ve been together for almost five years,” he points out.

This doesn’t seem to bother Rhodey any. “We needed time to gather our data and we have come to the conclusion that he is off probation and that we approve,” he says, handing Tony a book. He frowns at it. “That’s the list of improvements we have though. I think section three is the most important, but Pepper thinks section eighteen is more important. What the hell does she know, though? I’m cashing in best friend points and telling you to go with three first.”

Tony is going with neither because this is fucking overkill to an extreme not that he’d expect anything less out of Pepper and Rhodey. The first thing they did when Tony brought Eddie home proper was threaten to kill him and Tony had to shoo them off with what should be an obvious explanation that threatening to kill people is fucked up.

“Pepper is also my best friend you know,” Tony points out.

“Yeah, but I’m the best best friend,” Rhodey says. “The OG. Pepper is the compliments version of me.”

Tony lets out a sharp laugh, “oh, I would pay money to hear you tell her that.”

Rhodey shakes his head, “nope, I value my life, do not ever tell her I said that. Section three,” he says, pushing the book closer to Tony.

[tommyhagen]

Five Percent Of A Fairytale : Things Could Be Better Pt 1

Meant to post tons of stuff before this but oh well skipping way ahead, seriously send asks about what you want to see because my interest here is waning. And as always references to Charles and Tony being best friends. Sorry bout it but it’s basically canon. And idk if you got my subtle little hinting but Charles’ college Alpha was Sherlock

Tw: Slut Shaming

—————————————————————-

They were sitting on the couch, cross legged, giving the girls their bottles when Steve finally brought it up. Tony had been the one to put the rule in place but was just as relieved as Steve to have it broken. It worked for a while, hell, for a while it was the only thing that kept it going. No Talking About Our Past. But turns out that was a lot easier said then done when they spent almost every moment with two little beings that were the embodiment of it.

It was sudden as it always was when something was weighing heavily on Steve’s mind. “Did I make you happy, Tony?”, he blurted out. Tony would never understand how even an Alpha could be so serious while making silly faces at a baby. Not even Virginia’s contagious giggles could crack him when he got like this. “Before, I mean.”

Tony considered waving him off but knew better than to think that would work much longer. It would only get more difficult as time went on. Steve and Tony were fine now, even good. He’d forgotten how much he liked their friendship. It was like someone had hit a reset button on their relationship and they were getting to know each other all over. Things were going well but they could be going better.

It was obvious that there was still something between them. How could there not be? There’d been no closure, no catharsis. Tony had just chosen not to think about it. He’d thought that was what was best for the babies but now he realized it wouldn’t be fair to them. Sarah and Virginia weren’t going to have a childhood like his. No one would grow up walking on eggshells. They wouldn’t suffer because of their parents’ issues with each other.

It took a moment but Tony finally replied, “It wouldn’t have been so hard on me if you didn’t.” It was the truth. As much as the end of things had sucked major ass, it’d been a great ride down. Everybody needed a whirlwind romance at least once in their life. Even if they usually ended in one too.

“Good.”, Steve sighed, already on to burping Ginny. She was a big eater just like her dad; Sarah on the other hand was already getting picky. “Good. At least that something. Of course, I’m sorry if it made things harder on you but I’m proud to have made you happy.

I know it might be hard for you to believe now but I really wanted to.”

Tony considered that. “I know.”, he decided, finally moving on to burping Sarah. At Steve’s suspicious side glance Tony laughed if for no other reason than to break the tension. “Really! I do! I mean for awhile there we were really good together, weren’t we? And I’d been completely obsessed with you since I was a kid. You’ve seen my childhood bedroom. I couldn’t help it when you were practically all Howard ever talked about. He’d lose it if he saw us now. I was in love with you since I was five years old.”

In the past Steve would have laughed at the irony in that. Howard had spent all that time and money just to create his son’s first Alpha. But now Tony had barely finished speaking before Steve was asking, “Do you miss me?”

Tony blinked owlishly him. Well then, they were gonna be jumping right in the deep end, huh? Oh boy, this would take some consideration and very precise wording. Unfortunately, he wasn’t known for being particularly good at either. “I guess I miss certain things about you. I think that’s just how it is with your first love.”, Tony mused.

“I was your first love?”, Steve interjected.

“Well, duh, obviously!”, Tony laughed. Then at Steve’s blank look he continued on, “Really?! You didn’t know that?!”. Steve shook his head.

Tony sighed and wondered if it would have made a difference if he’d shared this earlier. He thought not. It didn’t stop him from admitting it now, though, “Well, you were the only one before T’Challa. I mean, clearly I’ve got plenty of experience. I’ve been passed around the scientific community like a bong. You know that stretchy guy, Reed Richards? Well, I can tell you for a fact that’s the most interesting thing about him. His work is so derivative it should be in a fucking science fair but he makes up for it. So long as you can get him to keep his stupid mouth busy with something else it’s quite an experience. Yeah, slept with him, that uber hot wife of his and her Alpha brother. Never the big guy though. Kind of a shame too, bet that would have been interesting.”. Tony’s laugh this time was completely genuine and bright.

“Tony!”, Steve gasped, horrified. “You are holding our little girl!”. So much for precise wording.

“What?”, Tony protested. He’d missed this. Steve was the sort of the man who wasn’t your friend once he was your lover and Tony was the type who couldn’t have any sort of meaningful relationship that was just one.

It turned out that Steve had been right. Tony really had missed him. Even if he was just missing the man Steve had been before becoming Tony’s Alpha. That guy had been pretty great, after all. Tony wondered if it was okay to feel so natural interacting as they once did even after all Steve had done. Was he being too soft?

Despite the concerns Tony continued to joke, “She doesn’t even know what I’m saying. Watch.” Tony laid Sarah on his lap so she was looking up at him. Then, very sweetly, he said, “Motherfucking cocksucker!”

Sure enough, his daughter just cooed delightfully in response. Steve was still covering Virginia’s ears. It’d been mostly an attempt to get a rise out of him, anyway. Tony chuckled at how easy and predictable Steve was even after all they’d been through. “They can only pick up a few words at this point and it’s all just stuff like their names, really only the things important to them. It’s pretty much just about positive and negative sounds right now. I’ve only got a month or so left of this so you better believe I’m gonna take advantage of it. They’re only babies.”, he explained.

Steve gaped at him. “You know so much about them...”, he wondered.

Tony was a bit uncomfortable under the Alpha’s gaze but figured Steve was most likely just baffled that he had somehow created life with a person like Tony. And how could he hold that against him? The girls had been inside him for close to 9 months and sometimes even he could barely believe it. How had he ever gotten so lucky? “Well, I did give birth to them.”, Tony replied. “You try keeping literally anything inside of you for 9 months and not having it become your main interest.”

He’d meant for Steve to laugh but he didn’t. To fill the awkward silence Tony tickled Sarah’s round little tummy. At least someone laughed at his jokes. He pulled his girl close and peppered her face with kisses. “Give me Virginia. I’m terrified of them thinking I play favorites.”, Tony said and that had only been half a joke.

Steve finally did chuckle as they switched their little girls out, so caught up in the pure bliss of having their children close. It was still an easy feeling to have when they were so small and cute. And hadn’t learned the word ‘no’ yet. “You just said it yourself, Tony. They’re only babies. But they won’t think that when they grow up and become young ladies either. You’ll see.”, he reassured.

“Now how would you know that? Both of us were only children. And my parents still managed to play favorites so long as the kid wasn’t me!”, Tony teased.

Steve still frowned deeply as he always did whenever Tony talked about his less than stellar childhood. Meanwhile, Steve’s own had been a low budget, single parent version of the Brady Bunch. They were a real Dickens novel, the two of them. The loved poor boy and the lonely rich boy, living in the same city only separated by a few decades. Maybe they hadn’t worked out in real life but someone could probably make bank off a movie where they did. But real life was more complicated than a romcom. And Tony wouldn’t have it any other way.

“I just know.”, Steve insisted, forcing Tony to stop thinking about who would play him in that movie. But probably Johnny Depp, right? Yeah, he was an Alpha and all but he’d played Omegas before.

“They’re my little girls, after all.”, Steve continued. “Only natural that I should understand them. They already know how much their mom loves them. Everybody does. You’re an amazing mother, Tony, incredible actually. Gosh I- I wish you could see yourself with them it’s just so...beautiful to watch.”. Steve looked too enraptured to really process what he’d said.

Tony sure as hell had. “Thank you.”, he replied stiffly.

And now Steve had too. “Oh! I’m sorry. Don’t know what came over me.”, he exclaimed, suddenly becoming incredibly fascinated with Sarah’s feet. In his defence, they were adorable.

“It’s okay.”, Tony reassured him a bit nervously. “Old habits and all that.”

“Yes. Old habits.”, Steve murmured before lapsing them back into awkward silence. Their daughters cooed and wiggled between them, completely oblivious. But soon enough they wouldn’t be. They had to fix this. All the same, for now, Tony would let Steve struggle with words for a bit. Mainly Tony was just happy to have not been the one making things awkward for once.

When Steve finally did land on something to say it was forced and too far back in the flow of their dialogue. He’d never been any good with uncomfortable situations. “Have you...been with Doctor Xavier too?”, he asked.

Odd and totally off topic but Tony’d take it. “With Charlie?!”, he practically gasped. “Man, I wish! If I could fuck only one Omega for the rest of my life it’d be Xavier, any day, anytime! Not that he’d ever let me. I had a chance back in college but his college boyfriend beat me too it. Didn’t stand a chance against an Alpha like that. Since then, I think Charles has turned me down more than anyone else. That’s a part of it though, isn’t it? The unattainable one.” Steve just went right on staring. So in fear of yet another awkward silence, Tony kept babbling, “But he’s no pure little lamb. Don’t let his sweet old man act fool you; he’s a dirty slut through and through! I’m pretty sure he’s even got me beat.”.

Tony’s nervous babbling slowed as he frowned telling the next bit, “He’s not like that anymore. Really he’s not even like himself at all these days. Hasn’t been for awhile. And I thought my first romance ended badly. His Alpha completely ruined him. That’s why he’s in the wheelchair, you know? That guy was a complete psychopath. I met him a few times and his college Alpha was no sweetheart but at least he didn’t disfigure him. Still completely crazy, though. He was big into drugs and and got us into a lot of trouble. If his brother hadn’t been in like a British version of S.H.I.E.L.D or something I probably would have been charged with a felony. Poor guy just has the worst taste. If you wanna go for him, I get it, he’s hot as fuck. Just warning you now though, you’d be wasting your time. Charles hates Alphas. Who could blame with what he’s been through.”

Steve was smiling again at the end of his nervous rant. Tony tried not to let that make him feel uncomfortable but it was hard to do given some of the things he’d said. A smile? Had Steve been listening to him at all?

“How can you just say things like that, Tony?”, he laughed. So no. No, Steve had not.

Virginia was yawning and Tony decided not to get himself worried over Steve instead focusing on putting her down for a nap. He kissed her sweet little button nose. “I’m not telling you anything he wouldn’t tell you himself if you asked. Charles doesn’t have secrets. Never did, even before.”, Tony shot back in what he hoped seemed like a casual manner, rocking his youngest gently.

“I didn’t mean it as an insult. It just amazes me how freely you speak.”, Steve clarified.

Eventually Tony returned the smile Steve was offering. “Well, not all of us came over on the Mayflower with the puritans, Gramps.”, he teased.

They sat in companionable silence for awhile, Tony softly humming a lullaby. That only lasted a few precious moments before Steve made things even worse than before. “And Bruce? Have you been with him too?”, he demanded, looking far too invested in the answer to even reign casual conversation.

[dippedanddripped]

In 2005, a man named Howard Stapleton developed The Mosquito, an anti-loitering device designed to disperse groups of teenagers from public places by playing an annoying sound at a high frequency that only the ears of young people can hear. In 2016, a Chinese entrepreneur named Zhang Yiming launched a video app called TikTok, the equal opposite of that device. What’s fascinating about the rise of TikTok isn’t its popularity with the youth, but its ability to profoundly alienate anyone born before 2000. This March, Senator John Hawley introduced legis­lation to ban federal employees from downloading the app on any government-issued devices. Alleged connections to the Chinese Communist Party aside, the world’s most downloaded app is as idiosyncratic as its generation.

While Instagram and Twitter seem obvious for people of all ages, TikTok’s lip-syncing antics come across to outsiders like a secret message chiseled into the lyrics of a Dua Lipa song. Yet the Chinese app is in many ways the most strangely egalitarian of platforms: sometimes videos become popular because of a combination of editing skills and cleverness, and then just as often for the fact that they kind of don’t make any sense. In a time when almost everything has actually stopped making sense, we caught up with some of the world’s biggest Tokkers about, you know, what makes them Tik.

/ Jason Nocito, Silk jacket GUCCI; Cap, belt and custom pants LARRAY’S OWN

Larray @larrayeeee (9.4M followers)

“When I talk, I just talk and don’t stop fuckin’ talking. When you watch my videos, it’s like, ‘Oh I’m hanging out with my best friend.’ That’s the vibe I give off, I guess. A lot of people can connect to me because I’m insecure. I talk about my insecurities in my videos. I talk about being annoying. I talk about all the shit that people are going through. The first video I ever made was with my little sister. I was twerking on the stairs and she came out of nowhere and started copying my moves. By the way, she was, like, seven. That’s the one that really put me on the map. I always have liked filming myself. It’s kind of a bad habit at this point because I can’t stop recording. There was a point in my life where I would turn on the camera and instantly become this crazy bitch persona. And then I realized doing that isn’t going to get me anywhere, it isn’t going to make me happy. Now it’s just naturally me. In the past, I used to stare at the camera, but now I barely look at the camera because it’s like talking to a friend. If you’re looking at the camera you feel fuckin’ weird. It’s a weird fuckin’ thing that we’re all talking to a camera. We’re sociopaths, basically.”

/ Jason Nocito, Vest, blouse and skirt FENDI; Shoes JUWAN’S OWN

Juwan Gutierrez @misocolorful (3.9M followers)

“My proudest moments are when I finally get my favorite social media influencers and makeup brands to notice and interact with me. I wanted to work at Sephora or MAC, but now they want to collab with me? And put me on business trips? There are a lot of quirky social media people out there. I wasn’t expecting anyone to like me. At first, TikTok was brutal, but they grew to like me because I’m very open. Honesty is a power move, honestly. Once social media dies down, I want to have my own makeup brand. Everyone wants to look good and makeup is the closest step there. I know natural beauty is a thing but it gets boring. Don’t you want to have blue eyeliner and red lips? When someone scrolls through my feed, I want them to get shocked. Boom, in your face, like Thomas the Tank Engine.”

/ Jason Nocito, Jersey SUPREME; Shoes and sweatshirt DOLCE & GABBANA (ALL MICHAEL’S OWN);Track pants PERRY ELLIS

Michael Le @justmaiko (23.1M followers)

“Literally I’m on TikTok 12 hours a day now. If I’m not on TikTok, I’m answering emails. If I’m not answering emails, I’m at a photoshoot. It’s very fast-paced. I just have to keep up because it went from zero to 100. I’ve done social media as a career for three years, but this year has been a 10x moment because I can support my family and myself. In a matter of two weeks, I grew a million followers ’cause the algorithm is so perfect. It doesn’t pick and choose who will go viral. It’s not biased. If you have good content and good engagement, the algorithm will push you up to the ‘For You’ page, and from there you’ll grow famous without having to worry about paying for ads. I want to be known for my personality. I want to show me and not a mask. I’m not me without social media. My end goal is to become a Will Smith, where everything I touch is gold. He’s not stuck as an actor. People love him for him and that’s what I want.”

/ Jason Nocito, Bike shorts and turtleneck MISBHV; Socks HUF; Shoes CROCS (LIV’S OWN); Vintage letterman jacket LIV’S OWN

Liv Huffman @lilbittylivie (610k followers)

“TikTok shows you your total likes, and at this point, I have 28 million or something. It’s a hard number to quantify. I recently went to a convention called Playlist Live and it was weird walking around and having people recognize me from my videos. Everybody on the app has at least some form of narcissism. You kind of have to in order to put yourself on the Internet like that. I like doing it because a lot of friends that I grew up with don’t live in LA anymore, so it’s a way to stay productive doing something that I enjoy rather than just sitting on my ass doing nothing. Or, not to get too emotional, but hating myself or being boring or being lazy. For me, it’s a very motivating thing, but I know that for some it stems from a place of loneliness. Everyone just wants to be a part of something.”

/ Jason Nocito, Logo button-down shirt and sweater vest DIOR MEN

Corey Campbell @imcoreycampbell (2.9M followers)

“I feel like the biggest reason people watch me is because of my looks, to be honest with you. But the people that stick around, that are consistently engaging with me, they’ve watched my Live videos, they’ve watched my YouTube, they’ve watched interviews that I’ve had where they get to understand who I actually am instead of just this face that’s doing music videos. It’s about confidence and motivation. Lip-syncing has helped me get more comfortable with what people would think of me as a musician. I definitely connect with my audience, but I wouldn’t say that’s what I’m really into. Outside of social media, I have a music career, I have a modeling career, I’m getting into acting. I definitely have other things going on.”

/ Jason Nocito, Turtleneck and shirt PRADA; Earrings GAUGE’S OWN

Gauge Burek @heir.of.atticus (1.6M followers)

“I started putting freckles and blush on my face and did a ‘pretty boy’ video, and it did really well and it made me feel really happy. I don’t like my nose, so the freckles make it look smaller and the blush looks good on me. It’s hard to explain to my grandparents because they have no idea what it is, but I tell them that I film myself doing anything. They don’t really understand what that means. I keep myself very reserved for the most part. I don’t give a lot of myself out but some people try to know. At one point, a bunch of my fan accounts were getting really mad at each other because one person said they followed me when I first started. People know my age and where I’m from but not anything real. I’ll film four or five videos in one day and then get completely tired the next two days because half that day was just me looking at myself and deleting and then making another video and deleting. You get tired of seeing yourself.”

/ Jason Nocito, Silk mens shirt MISBHV; Camouflage vest LOUIS VUITTON

Chase Hudson @lilhuddy 20.4M followers)

“I was in the 7th grade the first time I recorded myself. Dubsmash was a huge thing, and my best friend and I would make dancing videos over and over again. We kept them to ourselves because we were just messing around being boys but that started a lifelong passion. I do so many different things — I dance, I vlog. There’s no one word for it. It’s just entertaining. I’ve learned more and more what content does best. I’ve learned how to get more comfortable behind the camera. I’ve learned how to dance a little bit — I used to be terrible. It can get rough being online all day. I’ve kind of lost myself. I’m judged on everything that I do. Some people just genuinely don’t like me, maybe some people are jealous. I’m not sure. I’ve never been in a hater’s position. I’ve always loved everyone.”

[starkbarnes-lovechild]

Dancing in the Dark with Me Between Your Arms

When Tony met Steve Rogers, he thought to himself, I could fall in love with this man.

It was finals week and Tony was in desperate need of caffeine but his coffee maker was broken and he didn’t have the energy to fix it. The coffee shop was right in front of his apartment complex and they did serve the best coffee he has ever tasted, so might as well. The blue berry muffin, which was amazing, did help fortify his decision of going to the coffee shop.

(He’s been told he was the most functional zombie person. No one could really tell the difference between the sleep-deprived him and the him who has enough sleep. Well, not until they realize he tended to lose even more of his brain-to-mouth filter.)

He grabbed his wallet, keys already attached to it, his phone and his laptop to get more studying done and finish his project. After double checking he had everything, he went out and locked his door, unlocking his phone to start texting Rhodey about any other school work they might have in the subjects they share.

When he got to the coffee shop, his attention was still on his phone. His conversation with Rhodey had moved from school work to the holidays and their plans. Rhodey’s family would be hosting a reunion of sorts. Tony and his parents would be going to Italy to visit some relatives.

He was so focused on his phone that he bumped into someone on his way to the counter. His brain took a moment to process what happened but the sound of a plate and a mug hitting the floor kick-started his brain. “Oh my god I am so sorry!” He started, quickly pocketing his phone, hands raised, ready to check if the other person was hurt. When he looked up, he was welcomed by the most adorable sight.

Standing in front of him was a tall, pale blond man, maybe in his mid or late twenties, he couldn’t really tell because he was never good at guessing a person’s age by their appearance. Tony realized the other man was taller and he could actually see the man’s eyes, even if they were lowered, staring at the fallen items; they were the most breathtaking blue he has ever seen. The taller man has a soft frown and a gentle pout, eyes blinking slowly as if he was having a hard time processing some things.

“I’ll get you a new order, it’s on me. Just tell me what you want. Oh god.” Tony continued frantically, absentmindedly, when he caught sight of the other man’s shirt. “Oh Jesus. I think I’ll buy you a new shirt, too.” Finally, finally, the taller man looked up, blinked owlishly at him and just remained… silent. As the silence stretched, Tony became worried. “Are you okay?”

“Sorry.” The taller man mumbled, rubbing his eyes like a little kid. “No sleep since Wednesday.” There was an obvious whine in his voice and Tony couldn’t help but snort. He knew what it felt like to not sleep for a few days.

“I’m Tony.” He offered his hand when he got the blond man’s attention once more.

“Steve.” The blond—Steve—mumbled as he took the offered hand.

“Let me buy you lunch and a new shirt for the trouble.” Tony asked, tone confident but smile a little shy. He couldn’t help it. Steve looked like the kind of person who wasn’t hard to fall for.

 *

 Tony wakes up as Toni. She knows herself well and there is never doubt about how she feels.

Her head’s resting on her husband-to-be’s chest, strong and firm, while said husband-to-be plays with her hair. She knows how much Bucky loves to play with her hair. It’s not anything sexual either—just his way of relaxing, a way to remind him she’s there.

(“Your hair feels nice.” Bucky says one night while they watch a movie. His fingers could not stop twirling her hair. “It’s really soft and it smells nice.” He’s quiet for a while. She feels him breathe deeply against the top of her head. “You smell like home.” He whispers against her hair.)

She stays still for a moment, savoring this moment with him. Since she (he) proposed and the wedding planning started, they never had the time to rest and stay still and simply just be—to be simply Toni (Tony) and Bucky. This moment right here is a rare occurrence. Unfortunately for her, husband-to-be (it will never stop sounding so nice, Toni thinks) seems to be in a thinking mode. She’s supposed to be the only one on his mind on today.

“Stop thinking. You’re too loud.” She grumbles. His fingers pause. She feels his free hand move, cups her face and gently tilt her head up. She could see his lashes and a hint of her blue-grey eyes. She knows that color is cold, supposedly unwelcoming, but all she feels is warmth when he looks at her.

“Why? You jealous?” Bucky teases, she could see just a hint of a smirk on his handsome face. His thumb rubs her chin, probably absentmindedly. It should annoy her, how well he could read her, but it doesn’t. It simply makes it easier for him to discern if she would be Toni or Tony. Easier for her, too, since she doesn’t even need to tell him.

“I have no fucking clue what you’re talking about.” She pouts, snuggling closer to him. She could see the realization dawn in his eyes, how he just knows if she’s a she and not a he.

He simply hums and tilts his head to capture her lips in a kiss. This, this type of kisses is what she enjoys the most. His lips, soft against hers. No trace of tongue, no expectations—simply a reminder of how much they love each other.

 *

 Tony was fourteen when he first kissed a boy. It was exhilarating, feeling chapped lips against his own, a much stronger jaw and broader shoulders. He liked the way much bigger hands held onto his waist, how he had to tilt his head up to kiss him. He liked the much deeper voice whispering against his mouth, I-I’m not having sex with you, okay? You’re too young and I’m the adult here and his hushed response of yeah, yes, okay. Kiss me more.

(He couldn’t remember who gave him his first kiss but he knew he was a decent guy. He remembered how the older man had been mature enough to keep things light and easy and simply sweet. He was grateful the person who made him realize he preferred men was a genuinely nice guy.)

(That was a lie. He remembered exactly who gave him his first—his second, third, fourth and many more—kiss but being friends worked much better for them. They would only talk about it if Maria, Howard or anyone else who was aware of their relationship mentioned it.)

*

 At thirteen, Tony found out the world was more cruel than he thought.

It was his second week at MIT and already, he was gaining attention from a lot of people. At first, it was because he was incredibly young but was smarter than most of the kids. Obviously, not everyone took too kindly with someone younger being smarter, but there were a lot of people who, people who loved learning more than anything, adored Tony’s mind.

Then he was Toni one day, wearing her favorite dress with her favorite boots. Her makeup was soft and natural, seeing as her mom didn’t want him ruining his skin this early in life. Your skin is perfect, sweetheart! Her mom would always say, so she skipped foundation altogether but put on a neutral eyeshadow on her lids, some mascara, a tinted lip balm and a light pink blush, giving her a more doll-like face. Her hair was long enough for two small braids from the side to meet at the back of her head. She let her natural curls give more body to the hairstyle.

As she walked to her class, though, she could feel people staring at her but she didn’t let that bother her. She was a Stark and was younger than everyone, of course they would be staring. It wasn’t until he reached the room that he heard the whispers start.

Wait. Is that—is that Stark?!

Oh god. I didn’t know he was a perv.

That’s kind of weird.

I wonder if his parents know.

He actually looks great.

Are you for real?

Just because you don’t understand something doesn’t mean it’s wrong.

She just kept her head down and went to her usual seat.

(Later, she would find out Natasha was the one who complimented her and Rhodey was the one who had defended her.)

Most of her professors didn’t really care. They were there to teach and that was that. Of course, there were some old fashioned ones who side eyed her but otherwise kept their mouths shut—she wasn’t just the Stark heir, she was also a genius. Losing her because of discrimination would reflect badly on them and any school would have snapped at the chance to have her.

Days later, though, a group of seniors decided it would be fun to play with the crossdressing kid.

He was on his way back to the room he shared with Rhodey when he saw a commotion close to their building. A small group of students was gathered around something that seemed to be burning. He walked closer, easily dodging people because he was much smaller than they were. Wearing Rhodey’s (extremely) large hoodie helped him blend better, avoiding people’s attention.

When he finally get to the front to see what was going on, he froze when he saw the Unicorn Makeup brushes Aunt Peggy got him on his last birthday. He knew it was his because instead of the plain white handle, it was painted red and gold with the metal holding the brush painted with black. He was the only one who owned one with that particular color scheme since Aunt Peggy had it customized by Unicorn Lashes itself.

He could feel his chest tighten and suddenly he couldn’t breathe. He let his eyes roam and noticed more and more of his things—all were used whenever he felt like being Natasha.

And then large warm hands were covering his eyes, a strong chest on his back.

He could hear Natasha shouting. He knew she wasn’t angry at him. She never was. She was usually angry on his behalf.

(“My dad hates yours but he admits Howard’s been an admirable father to you.” She admitted once while they waited for Rhodey.)

“It’s going to be okay.” That was Rhodey. He’d always know Rhodey’s voice, no matter what happened. Rhodey, and sometimes Natasha, was his safe place outside of his home.

He turned around without dislodging the older man’s arms and let himself sag against Rhodey’s strong chest, his arms wrapping around the taller man’s waist, holding on tight. He felt Rhodey’s arms move, tightening their hold around him and he knew things would be okay.

(Later, he would find out the boys who burned his stuff were expelled and that his parents sued them.

Obviously, they won the case.)

 *

 “Hey, princess.” Bucky mumbles against her lips, pulling away and that, that just wouldn’t do, so she tilts her face up for more. Of course, Bucky grants her unspoken request, their lips simply moving against each other, dancing a well-known and well-loved choreography.

“Ready for our big day?” Bucky voices when they finally part. She hums and nuzzles Bucky’s neck. Of course she’s ready. She’s been ready to spend the rest of her life with Bucky since their first date that almost didn’t happen.

 *

 When Toni (Tony) met Bucky Barnes, she thought to herself, I want him to be the one.

Toni (Tony) and Steve have been friends for a month and three days (yes, she counted, sue her). She was out with Rhodey, celebrating their Master’s graduation. The others couldn’t make it, seeing as they had prior plans and the idea to celebrate together right after graduation was a snap decision. Nat was taking a few overtimes to save up for the new phone she’s been eyeing, Pepper had just gotten home from an out-of-the-country work that morning, so she begged off. He knew Thor and Bruce were still on vacation in Australia, visiting Thor’s family reunion (yep, they have been at that stage of their relationship where they take the other out of the country for family reunions).

(Toni’s pretty sure Nat and Pep declined their invitation because they were hoping she and Rhodey would get together. She knew how much they loved the idea of her and Rhodey but that moment has passed and they knew they were better off as friends.)

They were at the bar when she had the feeling someone’s staring at her. It wasn’t unusual, especially when she’s Toni. They usually wonder about the pretty girl who has some sort of “aura” (she didn’t know what that meant either). People knew she (he) was (is) genderfluid but that news got old fast. They used to stare at her to see if she’s Anthony Stark or just someone who looked a lot like him but a female. Now, though, they just stare because of the pretty face.

This one was different, though. She didn’t know why but she was curious. When she looked around, she realized why the stare was bugging her.

Even in the darkness, she can see hints of blue.

She ran.

Fuckity fuck fuck shit! Not this way. Fuck! She thought, over and over. She didn’t want Steve to find out about this until their friendship was solid. She wasn’t sure if the older man would be open-minded or disgusted.

Large warm hands held her gently but firmly.

Fuck these short legs.

She turned, her eyes burning. She won’t be crying, though. She won’t.

“Are you disgusted?” She knew her voice sounded rough, but Steve truly meant a lot to her. A few more months and she would have probably fallen in love with him.

Steve flinched, just a little, probably out of surprise.

“What?! No! Why would I be?” The blond exclaimed, his voice sounded offended, but that wouldn’t register in Toni’s mind until later.

“Because I dress like a girl and I wear makeup.” She remembered Stane saying once while talking to her father. Don’t you think it’s an anomaly? He had sneered. She was only eleven.

She has never heard her father sound so furious when he told Stane to mind his own business. I’m proud of my child, whether he decides to be a man or a woman, it’s his decision. I—Maria and I will love him the same no matter what.

Because he’s disgusting, one of the seniors who burned her stuff said when asked why they did what they did, he dresses like a girl and wears makeup even though he’s a boy.

“There’s nothing wrong with you.” She could hear the growl in his voice, making her flinch. “My friend’s genderfluid. Sometimes we call her Samantha.” Steve added shyly, as if he wasn’t sure it would help his case.

Toni just stared. This wonderful, wonderful human being accepted her without a problem. This man ran after her, obviously to clear the air. She didn’t know what she did in the past life to have Steve Rogers in her life.

“Do you, uh,” Steve started. “do I call you something else, or…” the blond trailed off, obviously lost.

“Natasha.” She blurted, startling both herself and Steve.

“What”

“Natasha Antonette.” She breathed deeply. “I—I’m Natasha Antonette.” That’s a beautiful name, my dear, she recalled her mother say and her father’s soft smile in the background. “My mom said she liked that name.” We would have named you Natalie if you were born a girl, her dad had admitted that same day. “But you can still all me Toni, but with an ‘i’.” She added shyly.

“Okay.” Steve smiled and led her to a worried Rhodey then proceeded to ask them if they wanted to join their little group. They said yes.

 *

 It was summer when Tony realized Steve was (is) in love with him.

He has been friends with Steve for one year, eleven months and two weeks when he finally got a clue. Steve has always been lenient with him, always took his side and almost always gave in to his demands. He always knew how to cheer him up and he joined him whenever he went out to buy more makeup.

It never occurred to him as odd, since the blond has always been caring, but sitting with him, in their favorite coffee shop, with him talking about his desire to kill Stane (unfortunately, dad couldn’t just fully remove the asshole from the board—he had quite a few friends and he was a poisonous snake), Steve simply listening and joking around, he caught the way the blond’s eyes softened, the overwhelming fondness and love and Jesus, this wasn’t supposed to happen, especially now that he’s practically in love with Bucky and, no. Just, no. He simply kept on talking about not having anyone love him.

He never thought he’d have to choose between two best friends.

 *

 He didn’t know what happened but there was a sudden shift in Bucky’s attitude towards him. When before, the older man was always warm and nice and sweet and always went along with their easy banter, he was now skittish and distant and lost.

“Give him time.” Steve gave him a small smile and kissed his forehead.

(He really has no idea how he never realized Steve was (is) in love with him with how affectionate the blond was with him.)

But Tony was never really the patient kind. Somehow, a few days later, he ended up kissing Bucky and Bucky was kissing back. Then pulled away. No. We can’t. I’m sorry, we can’t. He kept on muttering as he walked away.

He didn’t hear from the older man until two days later when Bucky came to his apartment, a bouquet of hyacinths in hand.

“I’m sorry for running. Do you want to go on a date?” The older man blurted, thrusting the bouquet to him. He took the flowers, buried his face in them and took a soft sniff. And if that also hid his smile and his blush, no one would know.

“Okay.” He mumbles, looking at the older man from under his lashes.

(Their first date was a disaster but was worth it in the end.)

 *

 “What are you thinking?” Bucky’s been quiet for a while now and normally it’s fine, but she knows when he’s thinking too much. She can tell he’s considering lying, knowing she’d let it go if needed, but he tells the truth instead.

“Do you feel bad, falling in love with me?” His voice is soft, perhaps afraid. She remembers admitting to him how she could have fallen in love with Steve, if she was given enough time. He never asked about it and she just let it go, knowing he’ll ask if it bothers him.

She has to be honest about this but she also knows she should be careful with her words. “Sometimes.” She admits. Bucky remains calm. “I know if we hadn’t met when we did, maybe it would have been me and Steve dating.” And it’s true. Steve is easy to love. He’s kind and gentle and sweet and understanding. “But I think of how much I love you now and I know that no matter what, I’ll fall in love with you and Steve would be hurt worse if that happened.” She’s thought about this, many times. She knows in her heart she will always, always fall in love with Bucky, no matter how amazing Steve is.

I’m sorry, she remembers saying once, while she and Steve waited for their orders. She remembers the blond smiling sadly, saying, it’s okay, I just want you to be happy and that’s that. She knows Steve was telling the truth, is still telling the truth when he said he just wanted (wants) her to be happy.

 *

 Tony was eight when he first got into his mother’s closet.

Tony has always been fascinated by his mother’s dresses and skirts and shoes whenever she moves, gliding across the room to talk to a guest or floating on the dance floor with his father. He loved the way the high heels made a tap, tap, tap, sound whenever they hit the wooden floor. The way the dresses and the skirts fluttered around his mother’s slim toned legs never failed to astound him. The smooth touch of fabric on his hands made him wish he had one of the clothes his mother loved to wear.

Maria loved dresses and skirts, preferred them over jeans because they reminded her of her childhood, she had admitted to Tony one night. Her favorite dress, by far was the light blue one with a flower pattern with a collar at the top. It was long with a tapered waist and a belt. But Maria liked it even more due to the pockets at the sides. He didn’t say it but it was his favorite, too. It was simple and old fashioned, it looked uncomfortable but it was incredibly soft.

His mother’s favorite cocktail dress, however, was the black sleeveless one with a button on the collar to form a round opening slightly above the chest area, showing his mother’s cleavage ever so slightly but still hiding it, leaving people to their imaginations. It was short enough show a part of her thighs but was still formal enough that no one would be offended.

It helped how his father adored that dress as well.

“People expect me to be conservative and docile because I married the ‘great’ Howard Stark” Maria had said with an eye roll, the air quotations evident, as she put him to bed one night, his father running late because of work. It made him giggle. “What they didn’t know is Howard married me because he can’t control me.” The fierceness hidden in his mother’s eyes and the adoration in his father’s whenever Maria verbally annihilated someone simply solidified that statement from long ago.

Now, at eight and a half years old, Tony wanted to try one of his mother’s dresses, too.

Both his parents were at a gala. They didn’t take him because it was late and a school night. Tony snuck out of his room and into his parents’. Jarvis was downstairs, probably preparing for breakfast tomorrow. His and Maria’s favorite dress was too big on him but the cocktail dress, which she surprisingly didn’t wear tonight, would fit okay, as if it was a long gown. She tried some high heels but he wobbled so he decided to try it some other time.

He walked around, the dress fluttering around his feet. He didn’t know for how long he was walking around, as if a model on a runway, when the lights suddenly turned on.

He flinched, eyes wide and fearful.

His mother simply sighed, knelt and took him into her arms. Do you like dresses, bambino? He remembered her asking. He nodded shyly, looking up at his father. Dad looked a little confused and more calculating.

“We’ll get something your size, okay?” Mom had asked, pulling away. He smiled, ecstatic by the fact he’s going to have his own dresses and skirts.

(At twelve, he decided he should be called either Natasha, Antonette or Toni because that’s how he feels.

His parents and their close friends were extremely supportive.)

 *

 “We should probably get ready.” Bucky mumbles, back to playing with her hair. She doesn’t want to get up, too comfortable in the older man’s arms. She hums, snuggling closer in case Bucky decides to get up. She would let her lips dance across his jaw or his neck while he massages her scalp now and again, his lips on the top of his head.

If they could, she’d rather to stay this way forever. But they do have a wedding to attend and so they get up to get ready. Soon after, her mom and Steve knocks on the door, carrying her clothes—a dress and a suit. Her mother immediately goes to her.

When Steve asks if she’s wearing a dress or a suit, she replies with the former as her mom cups her face gently.

“You will look astounding today, my dear, Natasha.” Her mom tucks her hair behind her ears, cupping her face gently once more before letting her go.

(Mom has always liked the name Natasha. It’s elegant yet casual, it’s the best of best worlds, my dear. She said when asked. Until now, only her mom can call her Natasha, Aunt Peggy occasionally.)

Steve takes Bucky to get him ready, already doing his best man duties, while she got ready herself. Nat was going back and forth between her and Bucky’s dressing room since she’s the one doing the boy’s (men’s) makeup.

Soon enough, she’s posing for pictures—on her on and with their family and friends but without Bucky. She wanted to keep the gown a secret to him for now.

Later, she’s walking down the aisle in his father’s arms. She knows her smile is huge, probably big enough to split her face but she doesn’t care because Bucky’s smile is just as big.

When they reach Steve, she pauses and lets her dad go, giving the blond a tight hug. “Thank you.” She whispers and she feels her arms tighten around her. When she pulls back, she could see his eyes glistening and she feel her own burn. They’re okay, though, because Steve loves her but he’s willing to move on and have his own happiness.

He takes her bouquet and grasps her hand in his as she loops her arms through her dad’s once more. As a team, it seems, they lead him to Bucky. As Steve places her hand on Bucky’s, she knows they’re having some sort of silent communication and that’s fine. She knows Bucky will tell her later if needed. Now, though, now she gets to marry the love of her life.

AO3