#sometimes i dont understand my own identity stuff

[k9catastrophe]

awooo ,, outta curiousity howd you know you were therian?

boRK i dont entirely remember actually ? All i remember is learning about alterhumanity in general, learning about therianthropy and then going "👁️ i see.." and ive just rolled with it from there??

[vashievoidz]

Being a fictive is so stupid because why am I having devastating emotions over someone who doesn't exist. Insane to be feeling real genuine grief over someone that I am aware isn't real, like how does that even .. work..

I've been teary eyed all day and genuinely distressed and upset even at work. Work usually helps distract me cause I'm doing stuff, but no matter how hard I tried to focus on my tasks I still just kept thinking about how much I miss him. Like it feels just SO real to me, the feelings are real, the memories are there, but I am well aware I never truly experienced any of that and it's just so crazy how that even happens. Why do I have memories of things that never happened, even things that aren't canon to my source??

Another thing that's so wild is that I get phantom pains in the spots that I have scars and stuff in my source. My arm often aches and sometimes even legitimately HURTS, but this body has all of its limbs attached, it has almost no scars, and yet.. I still feel it all. The brain is such a strange and powerful thing. Fucked up that it can make me feel these things and I don't get it. Also fucked up that I'm the only fictive in our system that goes through this level of pain. Like the others do have their issues of course and do have memories of things too, but it doesn't affect them even close to how it is for me. Aauaghh augh

[dailyfigures]

(not the same anon) i only saw the anime (not the full thing cause i hated it), ill try to keep the points neutral/factual & not let my opinion/bias shine through too much. heres some of the stuff that happens (spoilers obviously): 1. main character, adult man, works as a doctor. one of his patients is 16 year old idol Ai. she is pregnant. mc is obsessed with her throughout the show. when asked by a colleague if he'd hook up with her if given a chance he says yes. 2. a patient of his (i dont know her age, early/mid teens) is in love with him. she dies. 3. the doctor mc is killed. he is 'reincarnated' as Ai's child, while keeping his past memories, along with the teen girl patient i mentioned in (2.), now named ruby. mc is now named aqua. they are twins now. they don't know each others former identities 4. Ai is killed, which further fuels aquas obsession with her (it seems to be romantic since i believe he mentions being in love with her, her being his 'ideal woman' etc) 5. several teenage girls are also in love with him (while his 'reincarnation' is their age, he has the full scope of his past memories, making him at least 30yo in lived experience), while he doesn't seem to reciprocate their feelings (up to the point i watched the show at least), it's not treated as something he's against due to them being teenagers, moreso that he's too preoccupied with searching for Ai's killer. that's about it, im sure theres more in the manga & bits i havent seen, i personally really dislike the show but i'd understand if you were to keep up the figurines as despite those themes no actual incest happens to my knowledge (correct me if wrong or forgot stuff!), some of the designs are pretty i guess

thank you for taking the time to explain it to me anon! i'm sure there's good parts to it since it's so popular but yeah it doesn't sound like it'd be for me personally either.

i do find it hard to judge media like this without having seen it. i'm a big horror fan so i watch a lot of media that features things you should very much Not do irl but that doesn't mean all horror is inherently problematic. sometimes media is just an exploration of something fucked up without explicitly stating "this is Bad!!! Do Not Do!!!!" because they trust the consumer to realise that on their own.

having said that, oshi no ko doesn't sound like a psychological piece that explores the morals of incest and adult-minor relationships to me (from what i understand without having seen/read it! do please correct me if i'm wrong!). it sounds like it's just kinda very weird without challenging those themes much.

again, it's hard to judge that without having consumed it. i think i'll just leave up the oshi no ko posts i have and not add any more. i might have some in the queue so i'll remove those if i remember to. hope everyone is somewhat okay with that decision!

[roguesnezblog]

Trigger warning - Vent stuff (Suicide, bullying etc.) I am not feeling great. And I'm going to censor everything below if you don't want to read. But this post I wanted to make, one, for my own benefit. mentally, but I also feel like people who are in the same position as me could use an understanding ear. So...

Feeling real horrible. Like I shouldn't exist. To put it bluntly. Making the rounds of depression again. I want to type this out here and will most likely delete this later because being vunerable on the internet is not exactly, sometimes, met with anything good.

I won't go into detail on as to why either, since opening up about things you've done is usually weaponized online too. But lets say this: I have been made to feel, in some online spaces, that, My existance and presense should be eradicated.

I have been treated this way by these people for years. Over 5 years now. I had been bullied, and called horrible things, been witch hunted all the works that online crap can bring. And most people are in agreement, I should get over it by now. Who scares if a few people don't like you, don't want you around them? They have a right to believe that, and it's not like I didn't deserve it.

And I suppose in truth a part of me agrees. I dont expect approval, nor do I expect to be liked, a part of me rationally knows this. Not everyone online is going to be on a sympathetic understanding side of things.

But another part of me creeps back. You see, during this time, when people turned on me violently, for mistakes I've made and regret, I got low. Real low. Suicide low. I figured I was diplorable. Unforgivable. Disgusting. I felt like I should be punished. I did. Yanno. Self harm. A lot.

I figured the world would be better. Easier, if I wasn't in it. They made me believe this.

But I was always in conflict with reality. You see online isn't really half of my life. I have good parents, not perfect, but good. And a family who cares about me, and deep down, I knew if I was gone, if anyone, they would suffer for it.

So ...Suicide wasn't really an option. Not properly.

I had no choice but to endure lots of inflammatory comments, being excluded, distanced, the community (not this one) I wanted to feel a part of, and enjoy a love of drawing was...cruel.

I could rant more about what they did. How much they alienated and hurted me, broke down my character and warped me into this...percieved monster. But theres no point. And yanno I don't want to get into details like I said.

But a part of me still thinks that Im not a victim here. That I deserve it.

It's the rest that feels inconsolable. I don't want to die. I don't want to feel like thats the only option for me. To be erased. And think how much easier it would be for everyone else that I didn't exist.

But I want to be a kind person. I don't want to make people uncomfortable with my presense, or existance.

I shouldn't spare mercy to people who don't care. I know...But it's hard not to think when for your entire life you've been messed up.

Im pretty sure being some kinda autistic or at least neurodivergant doesn't help...(I haven't got diagnosed yet. Being a part of british NHS sucks. It would take me 5 years to get someone to see me. So they told me, and I'm considering private, but that costs 2,000 pounds and...Im scared honestly)

Anyway.

This feeling is often met with apathy, or "just don't think about it" by friends and family, who know somewhat about all this.

But it's hard.

It's heavy.

I just wish forgiveness could be an option. The mistakes I made, I learned from, and have never done again. But it's not enough.

It feels like this unending maw, gaping and cavernous. Swallowing me whole until it leaves nothing but that mistake left. They make it me. It's all I am. My identity. I am a literal monster to them. Something to fear like a boogeyman.

Not a dumb young adult who had no idea what they were doing.

I am nearly 30 now. I regret being stupid. Not knowing things, being ignorant and not just....being more calm at the time, but when people jump on you, you panic.

I have dug this hole. I know that... but it feels like I was forced to.

And the prolonged suffering, it's just....

I was happy for a time. You know? The fear and guilt lifted about a year ago for a while. When I found people who appriecate me, who care and want me around in that community, My confidence for a while was up. And I felt like I COULD exist. Live again, and be in spaces without feeling like I was a leech. I was happy and even talked to people in calls. I didn't have nightmares and I didn't feel like I needed to quit my freelance work.

There was...a couple of incidents, where I let my confidence blind me, approached people who haven't forgiven me, and told me to fuck off.

Which I did, to be fair...like I say: I don't have to be friends with everyone.

But...recently, the community pool has gotten thin. Drama happened (not to do with me, thank fuck, I couldn't deal with that stress I feel terrible for the people who have to endure it.) and spaces that were safe have been deleted. And the people who scorn me are now making a new space for them to pool into.

I've been excluded from that space.

That doesn't bother me, I have friends who will remain by my side. And this kinda happens everyone 6 months or so that people move spaces. But-

It's gut wrenching, to feel safe and forgiven. And then to be reminded that no, infact; You can't escape.

My friends will stay in spaces I feel safe in. And I know really- I'm not gonna loose much. But to be reminded that your existance would rather be purged? It's...not a fun feeling. Not to feel especially due to the struggles I've been facing and facing hard these past few months.

I suppose by writing all this, and saying all this, I just can't help but wonder in this mind space...Is it me? My fault? My brain is the one doing this...I am jumping from: Oh people I don't even like don't want me around? Better go die.

I made the mistake in the end....And this is my punishment. My torment for making a mistake.

It's ridiculous really...I shouldn't be feeling this way. But yet I am....I feel hopeless, empty. Sullen. Like theres no point, like all I feel and have been doing to grow, and move on....it doesn't matter. Because nothing changes.

I'm not sure exactly why Im writing this, or why Im even sharing these feelings, perhaps I just want people to talk to. Much as I love my friends, they get uncomfy talking like this... They can be dismissive and they don't really want to find a solution or confront it. I am just told to "forget it" and such. As I said before. But it doesn't help you know?

Putting this out there, it may make it worse...Which honestly; I fear. People online can look at something like this and use it to try make you worse, or kill yourself. Like....some people really just...get a kick out of making you feel like crap.

Im sure this is a sentiment that a lot of people, a lot of you, understand. It's cruel. Bullying and....I wish it would go away, not just for me, but for all of us....But I also hope a part of this can....maybe help someone?

That...something like this, isn't unusual....(unfortunately) and that some of you out there have been through the same thing...or are currently going through the same thing. And if thats the case...As someone who is feeling it at the current moment I want to say this to you:

You matter. You deserve to exist. You CAN live. And ...so long as you learn from your mistakes...That doesn't make you an evil, or even just a bad, person. You're a good person. You're a good person if you want to be better.

And....for you. I will keep this in mind for myself too. I fucked up. Maybe you did too...But we can be fuck ups together.

--------------------------------------------------------

I am not ok, but I think I will be. Admittedly, I could just not post this, but I think theres some value somewhere in this rant. I think it should be heard by some.

[nonbinarychaoticstupid]

hai,,, what r ur sulemio headcanons

OHH I AM SO GLAD YOU ASKED!!!

they are autism4autism this is Very important to understand. suletta stims by swinging herself around miorine stims by being swung around and the distinction is small but IMPORTANT. this also because literally every time i try to write suletta being happy i always imagine her straight up wiggling around with it and i Fully imagine that when they're lying around some nights and cuddling she will just swing miorine around with her while she joyously rolls entirely from one side of the bed to the other on her back giggling and kicking her feet etc etc. miorine is like This is perfect for me I am winning

this also relates to this one tweet that changed me as a person lmao i am of the very firm belief that miorine needs to sometimes be Crushed into a Hug. compressed into a file even. flattened like in a tom and jerry cartoon. and suletta needs to be Holding something all the time. autistic girls who stim by hugging (they are in love). you understand. miorine discovers weighted blankets and her life is changed.

adding onto this they need to be touching All the Time they cannot go anywhere without grabbing onto each other. miorine consistently is like no you dont understand i have to be holding onto her every second of every day or i'll die and for suletta this is just normal behaviour that everyone expects

personally i do Not see miorine as butch (i see the vision though.... i see the vision) but i feel like she would get to earth and start looking into earth history and discover butches and her mind would be BLOWN

EVEN MORE AUTISM!!! miorine has sensory issues regarding clothes and is very specific about the work outfits she wears because otherwise she will have the literal worst day in the world and come home and just Not talk for a 24 hours straight. suletta of course is like. why do you own this blazer anyway it's Evil

they are always talking to each other all the time every moment of every day when they are separated for work reasons LMAO i keep seeing art thats like. work mio vs talking to suletta mio and i think that idea is SO funny. she goes from being your very serious boss to 'affgdhfjdsfggfsgjfgsdh hiii ♥♥♥♥♥♥' the MOMENT her wife is on call and she is So insufferable about it. suletta is equally annoying she will literally get a call and be like 'excuse me MY WIFE is ringing :)' and be on the phone for the next hour telling miorine about her day in excruciating detail (they are going to call again when miorine's meetings end in less than 2 hours). earth house is very divided on whether it's absurdly cute or not (chuchu vs Everyone Else)

miorine and elnora very specifically only get along for the purpose of making suletta happy LMAO they don't hate each other but they are absolutely not at any level of friendship and will likely not be for a very very long time. elnora does help with her work stuff a lot because she's used to the insane machinations of loser capitalists though

speaking of relationships with elnora i think it takes suletta a long time to work through the whole repli-child stuff and it's very important to her that she starts on that separately to spending more time with elnora. she tells miorine about the whole thing (she's been trying to work up the courage for months) and miorine is immediately like. do you want me to punch her for you. i will punch your mother for you. this is great for suletta because she fully thought miorine was going to break off the engagement and everything (there is no basis for this) + she continues to have a lot of identity issues about it as regular life progresses because it turns out that pretending that everything is fine does not in fact make it fine!!

i choose to believe that there is enough space in the cockpit of chuchus mobile suit for them to squish in behind her seat when miorine comes and finds her after quiet zero. suletta is barely conscious but miorine (who is terrified she will just die there and then) keeps talking to her (mostly sobbing hysterically and telling her off for making her think she was dead) and its at this point that suletta asks her if she loves her. (chuchu is very pointedly pretending not to notice and doing her best to tune them out)

miorine, still sobbing hysterically: oh my g-d. are you insane. of course im in love with you. what do you think all of this was about suletta: oh sweet! :3

i have written this scene out and will post it one day i think it's the catradora in me thats like. they HAVE to have a love confession and kiss NOW. i just think itd be so neat if it paralleled their first meeting even more.... miorine helps suletta take off her helmet and kisses her.... do you see my vision

suletta plays the guitar and miorine sings. you agree. reblog.

genuinely though i think suletta would pick up guitar to help with her hands and miorine, who is also getting back into playing piano around this time, gets into the habit of singing along while she's doing things around the house

suletta calls her wheelchair aerial 2.0 and nuno and ojelo help her paint it in aerial's colours. when she moves to crutches they get the holder colours

technically they still have a year of school to go but for most of it suletta isn't able to go to lessons + focusing mainly on her physical therapy and miorine is too busy dealing with the benerit group's funds that for all intents and purposes they're no longer enrolled. miorine's rooms aren't wheelchair-accessible and so they stay in earth house instead until they turn 18 and can legally buy a home on earth. all of earth house subsequently has to third wheel

they don't get married for a little while. mostly because suletta is in recovery but miorine also needs to work up the courage to actually ask. (eri bullies her into taking her with her when she goes ring shopping) eventually she gets around to it after suletta's health starts improving and when she pulls out the ring box suletta is like Oh! and reveals that she literally cut up and made paper rings one day for this specific purpose

their wedding is on earth, to sort of start the official move. miorine pulls some strings to get nika to at least be able to See whats going on + they have the ceremony in a big field not far from their new house. suletta's chair (aerial 2.0) is decorated with So many flowers as per the instructions of the kids in the neighbouring town (who love her + want to be her first students) and miorine absolutely did not get away without getting Flowered too. they both are crying the whole day and neither of them are subtle about it

miorine's hair gets shorter and suletta's gets longer. miorine just wakes up one day and is like I HAVE TO GET RID OF IT

mio fell basically immediately but i think that its only when suletta is in space with el4n that she realises + it clicks for suletta when miorine literally starts a company for her lmao

[etherealspacejelly]

ERM

ok so

anonymous bc no way am i showing my url on this Jhshsheheh

so like all my friends at school. they seem. so much more mature than i am???

like even the ones who are younger than me. they're already thinking about partners. and dating n stuff. like some of my friends already have partners

but i. just am not interested in that rn??? and sometimes i feel like there's. something Wrong with me. yk

like im year 9 but. i feel like i should be thinking about this and it feels like im not mature enough that i don't want to worry abt that now

- 🐉

there is nothing wrong with you. listen to me. there is absolutely Nothing wrong with you.

it is perfectly normal to not be interested in romantic relationships, i wasnt at your age and im still not. i am in a platonic relationship with my best friend, mostly because it comforts us both to know that no matter what happens we will not be alone. even if all of our other friends get into romantic relationships and prioritise them over friendships

desiring a romantic partner does not make you more mature than anyone else. having a romantic partner or a partner of any kind is not a requirement for happiness, fulfilment, or maturity.

focus on what You actually want. ask yourself what would make You happy, what would make you feel fulfilled and satisfied with your life. set aside these notions of what we are Supposed to want, of what it is ""Normal"" to want, and focus your attention on yourself. this is your life, and you owe it to yourself to follow your own path.

i think it would help you to research aspec identities, especially aromantic ones, and talk to aromantic people about their experiences. you might not be aromantic! alloromantic people can still have no desire to be in romantic relationships, and that is perfectly fine and normal. and likewise aromantic and arospec people can want to be in romantic relationships despite their lack of romantic attraction. what i think researching this community will do for you is show you that romance is not the be all and end all of human beings. it is not a requirement for existing and being happy.

i think even progressive parents can fall into this trap of telling their kids "when you grow up and get a girlfriend or a boyfriend" or "when you get married to your spouse", and like, yea its great that they arent assuming you will be straight, but they are still placing the expectation on you to Want a romantic relationship and that you will have one no matter what. and that doesnt have to be the case!

your "happily ever after" does Not have to involve riding off into the sunset with your One True Love, it can in fact be a freezeframe of you and your best friends jumping into the air together and pulling silly faces!

idk this is. a long and rambling answer to what was a fairly simple question but. this ask hit me very close to home. i know how you feel. i felt Exactly the same way when i was your age. i felt wrong and broken and different and i didnt understand Why everyone was so excited about dating and kissing and relationships. so. im telling you what i wish someone would have told me.

take a deep breath. and let go. you dont need to have it all figured out Right Now. you can in fact just enjoy life as it happens! you dont have to know exactly what you want at this age. you can figure it out as you go. you have So Much Life ahead of you to learn and grow make mistakes and change your mind and figure things out and just. live.

the world wont end if you never want a romantic relationship. life will go on. you will find out what Really matters to you. and thats the beauty of being alive! please do not force yourself to do anything you dont Really want to do, just because thats what it feels like you're Supposed to do.

you are unique and beautiful and so so alive. you are doing just fine, and im so proud of you. you belong here.

you are loved.

[aroanthy]

Besides Anthy what other characters do you are aro- or any kind of a-spec?

All Of Them.

on a more serious note, im very partial to the following aspec readings of characters:

aroace/aroace lesbian nanami; one thing to know about me is that i realised i was aromantic because of two things. the first is that i wrote a 55k word fanfiction about two side characters from the 2005 bbc political satire 'the thick of it' that was basically just me airing my fundamental discomfort with romantic relationships, and the second is watching her tragedy and the romance of the dancing girls for the first time. Yeag.

aromantic nanami is profoundly important to me and i really just resonate with her character on a personal level. like shes so me. i dont get it. i too have convinced myself of all kinds of taboo and 'weird' affections and feelings because i Dont Understand Romance (just as a side note: i understand why some people take the cold turkey 'nanami never considered romantic feelings for her brother!!' reading, but for me personally. i think it's important to consider nanami considering those feelings, specifically because they make her feel uncomfortable, alienated, etc. there's also lots of interesting things to be said about how incest can affirm heteronormativity (and how it can't!! but that's more of a kaoru twins can of worms)).

and there's other stuff but we needn't get into that. i love when other people feel able to talk in-depth about how their personal expereinces shape their responses to rgu, but im not quite at that point with certain things. i do also just really like reading nanami as an aroace lesbian bc i find her connection with utena specifically to be soooooo. gah. delicious. fascinating. devastating. and also i love aroace lesbains they are the best

asexual utena; i just think he's neat :} sometimes i feel hesitant to read characters as asexual if theyre teenagers or if they have sexual trauma and funnily (not) enough, utena is both! having said that, i recently decided 'fuck it' and have been thinking about this interpretation of his character more and more. like, my aromantic identity is partially political, partially trauma-informed, and i feel quite strongly about queerness in part being one's choice to define (or not define) themselves on their own terms, be they 'contradictory' or 'inaccurate' or whatever the hell else.

i also have a fondness for asexual masculine characters. me personally i read utena as butch and transmasc and i think it's really interesting to think about how that queer masculinity can be expressed outside of allosexuality, especially considering what rgu as a show tries to do wrt that matter. dont ask me about my feelings on ikuhara and false dichotomies of love and lust in his works or i WILL explode ok sarazanami is The aroallo show and im soooo normal about it all tbh

i have this kind of vague arospec touga reading that im always knocking about in my head but kind of scared to talk about online because like. it's quite a lot to get into and, as an aroallo person, i dont want to get into discourse about if it's problematic to read a character like touga in that way. bc like. i dont think it is. but that's because i'm basing this reading off of my own lived experience and understanding of what aromantic allosexuality can look like. to be honest, if i really had to stick labels on them (bc labels are a shorthand to me that never fully express the complexity of identity that i want to personally (writer disease)) i read anthy as an aromantic lesbian and touga as aromantic and gay. but normally you would have to waterboard that out of me because im terrified of how people who aren't aroallo respond to aroallo conceptions of like... Anything. lol.

i think the tldr of Why im compelled by those similar readings of their characters is. something about how terrifying and constraining and rigid and incomprehensible and inaccessible romance feels to me as a concept. and something else about how important sex is to me as a concept, and kind of. this radical sex positivity that is so essential, imho, to beginning to unpack the issues baked into our hetero- and amatonormative conceptions of romance and sex, and thus reclaim human connection as we please. blah blah blah wah wah wah body as a bargaining chip or whatever (guy who is mildly terrified of talking about these things for Reasons).

that's it for specific readings i have of specific characters, but i will say that i do find it hard to put myself in the shoes of certain characters if im thinking of them as alloromantic. like i think juri probably is but i dont not understand her conflict with shiori and why it agonises her so much. but tbf, most of my focus on juri as a character is her struggle for self-acceptance and her fascinating gender troubles. funnily enough, that's also kind of how i feel about saionji. they are just both so genderfuck self-hating gay plagued by the power dynamics and i love that for them.

anway yeag :} rejoice, aromanticism be upon ye

[kanohivolitakk]

Yesterday I was listening to music while on a car-ride when Cryoshells Room came up on my playlist and relistening to it again made me realize how great it is. The chord progression and melody are beautiful, the instrumentation is great, Christines singing is geniunely amazing here and the lyrics are really good portrayal of how complex emotions towards someone. I'd argue Room is one of the objectively best tracks Cryoshell has done, if not the best.

Yet in spite of Rooms quality it is extremely underrated when it comes to Cryoshells discography. I rarely see it being discussed when it comes to their best songs, in spite of arguing it easily being one of them. And while that saddens me, its not like I dont understand the reason why this is the case.

Room is one of the few Cryoshell songs that aren't Bionicle related in the slightest.

As being a band created to promote it, Cryoshell by its very nature is tied to Bionicle. Even if the band has continued on after the franchises end, the two are still interlinked with one another.

And there definitely is a lot good in this. Because of Cryoshells connection with a popular nostalgic IP, it has been allowed to live and not fade into obscurity. Many Bionicle fans fondly reminsce of Cryoshell and even become fans of the band.

However for all the good the correlation brings, theres a dark side to it. And thats that Cryoshell is essentially pidgeonholed to be "the Bionicle band". Its identity is so tied to Bionicle that fans often treat Cryoshell as an extension of Bionicle rather than its own separate thing. And this shows in the way people talk about Cryoshells post Bionicle tracks.

Think about it. Whenever you get to the comment section of a Cryoshell track, you see people comparing the track to Bionicle even if it wasnt made for it. Murky, Falling, Come to My Heaven, even their more recent Next to Machines stuff like Don't look down or Dive often gets associated with Bionicle by the fanbase. Because Cryoshell is the Bionicle band, and thus it must come back to Bionicle. Always.

So, when it comes to the songs that dont fit Bionicle at all, they often get overlooied and ignored. Theres a few exceptions (Feed has the most views of any non Bionicle track on their 2010 album while Slipping has most views on their Next To Machines era stuff) but this mostly is true. Songs like Trigger, No More Words, Nature Girl or Faux get either forcefully associated with Bionicle or outright ignored by the fanbase.

And Room has the worst of it all. With most Cryoshell songs you can loosely tie them to Bionicle even if its a stretch (No More Words being read as a song about Makutas defeat anyone?) But with Room you cannot just do that. The songs identity is deeply tied to it being about codependency and toxic emotions towards someone, seeing someone as both a savior and a monster, that you can't divorce it from it. And since that type of story the song tells isnt really present in Bionicle, the song cant be tied to it. Which makes it just left out in the dust.

I love Cryoshell, I love Bionicle and I love their connection to each other. But can we sometimes just treat Cryoshell as a band of its own right rather than always try to tie it to the funny Lego robot brand? Thank you.

[alias-mike]

i let the autism win

(i am going to tell you about compelling cytus 2 straight relationships) (my headcanons might get mixed in because its been 2 years since i read the lore and i dont feel like reading the 1000+ page transcription rn)

ALSO SPOILER WARNING FOR THE CYTUS 2 STORY

OK STARTING OFF WITH MY FAVOURITE ONE. CONNER X SASHA

incredibly egotistical guy (conner) who thinks hes better than everyone else meets his match in an academic setting but cant talk to her (sasha) because she graduates early and leaves. therefore he does the perfectly normal thing of stealing identity information of a bunch of random citizens from the government to sell on the black market bc sasha is also there as a mole for the police. he acts super incompetent to make her feel bad and help him sell the information for the best price and they end up forming a partnership for a while. their final job goes wrong as the police busts in and doesnt believe sasha when she says shes also part of the police bc her captain deleted her civilian identity file as part of the mission and that guy died in the raid so shes cooked. conner saves her at the last second and, dropping the act, tells her that he saved a copy of her civilian file and will be driving her to the nearest city and she can choose what she wants to do from there. shes super mad at him for decieving her but is grateful for the out that hes given her and leaves for the city with no internet to start fresh, assuming they would never see each other again. fast forward to the Plot and conner seeks her out again for help on some stuff and their modern dynamic is conner going "youre so cool and awesome haha...... we were such a good team back in the day....... you should run away with me" and sasha is like "no." its completely played for comedy (in my understanding) since the writing makes it clear that sasha has put her old life behind and only humours conner because hes an old friend (its been several years since the deception thing so i would assume she made peace with it and came to the conclusion that overall conner is chill) but she has a life of her own now. meanwhile shes the closest thing conner has ever had to a friend because shes the only (alive) person he sees as an equal so even though he knows its futile, he tries to convince her to come with him anyway. they were never really together and will never be together, and thats what makes their relationship interesting.

next up........ cherry x xenon !

this one is fun bc they start the story as exes. they dated when they were younger but broke up for reasons i can only describe as "her dad killed his dad and that really puts a strain on a relationship yk". basically cherrys dad got involved with organized crime after her mom died and he lost his job and xenons dad is a cop who was investigating said organized crime so they got into a Conflict and cherrys dad ended up killing xenons dad and severely injuring his sister. cherry also never told xenon abt this during their relationship bc its a bit difficult to bring up the whole "my dad does crime and sometimes i do it too" to the guy whos dad is a cop. the way they find out what happened is a bit. well funny isnt the right word but basically xenon is like "MY DAD AND SISTER GOT SHOT" and cherry was like "OH NO THATS HORRIBLE" so they rush to the hospital to visit them and see a news report about the incident and the perpetrator getting arrested and cherrys like "oh..............." they got in a huge fight after that and justifiably break up but deep down they still love each other and just. havent talked about it for several years after that. later some Plot stuff happens, they kinda reconcile a little bit, and cherry ends up injured in a fight. they were chilling at a base with really good medical facilities tho so the boss was like "here stay in this Healing Tube for a while and youll be fine" but uh oh! the evil bad guys attack and turn off all of the power in the base, including cherrys life support, and they turn the power back on too late so she dies and xenon is completely devastated over it because they never properly reconciled (i think there was something like he never said "i love you"? but i will have to reread lore to confirm. huge angst moment if true tho). i think they have an interesting arc in its tragedy. is it kinda contrived? yeah. but i think its thematically appropriate for the relationship where the whole thing is that something always went unsaid (first the crime thing, then how they actually still liked each other) ended with something unsaid, yk.

side note: theres even more tragedy to the situation considering the way they turned the power back on. ok basically theres a 12 year old girl named nora (shes the aforementioned boss) (shes a mafia boss) (its a long story) and she was experimented on as a baby and left to die to The Virus when the experiment failed but she survived and the scientists were like "holy crap can she be the key to a cure!?" so they took her back to the lab and raised her. shes disabled due to the initial experiments requiring her legs to be amputated and also happens to be mute but shes a genius so she built a robot to talk for her since she was stuck in her room all day (no one figured it was a good idea to give her mobility aids until several years down the line) (their idea of parenting was also like. playing chess with her once in a while). she also got into making edm songs for a while. later, she makes a robot known to the players as robo_head to be her bodyguard since they figure out that the virus gave her powers to see/hear through any camera or microphone connected to the internet and decide to use it for profit by touting her as an "oracle". now is a good time to mention that cytus 2 is a science.... fantasy? story where everyone has a brain chip to connect to the internet. anyways the more nora uses her powers the worse her eyesight gets and its also generally harmful to her health. robo_head is basically her only friend and she ends up having to send him off for reasons i wont get into rn and somewhere down the line he gains sentience and makes his way back to her. nora is enraged that he came back at first but after some persistence she lets him in and finds out about these developments, and is ultimately happy to have her friend back. when the power gets cut, robo_head knows that cherry needs help and volunteers to use himself as the power source which would essentially fry his circuits. nora refuses at first since she just got him back, but understands the importance of saving cherry so she ends up agreeing. unfortunately, its too late, so basically two people had to die for no reason ! (luckily nora ends up being able to fix robo_head after the end of the game but he was Gone for a while)

OK TANGENT OVER. BACK TO SHIPS. UHH sagar and rin are a thing

there was lore im pretty sure but i forgot so all i remember is that sagar is a pretty confident guy except when he has to talk to rin, in which cases he loses all of his skills ever and his dialogue mainly consists of "ummm uhm uhhh" and rin is also too nervous to notice how unskilled sagar is being. this is the only couple who gets a happy ending btw

honourable mention: whatever ilka(?) and rald had going on. classic nonhuman who is fascinated with humanity via one specific guy x guy who is unintentionally being very attractive. idk. i would tell you more about it but my dlcs are LOCKED and TAKEN AWAY from me 👎

there are also many gay ships but one of them is literally the plot of the game so it would make this post even longer if i started talking about them lmao

^said plot summarized in one image btw

OK THATS IT THANKS FOR READING!!!!

[nicomrade]

for the character ask game: miss fujiko!! 💃

one aspect about them i love I LOVE uhm everything about her. i like that shes like neutral to kids in both part 2 & fujikos lie like she doesnt like kids but shes not EVIL to them. i like that they made her not maternal but without making it like Evil and Bad shes just a woman .... oh actually i adore that in 1$ money wars they make her a stock gambler as in she buys & sells stocks but is fucking AWFUL at it and loses ALL HER MONEY in it like twice or 3 times in the movie. it just keeps happening. yes shes a businesswoman but whats MORE businesslike that losing all ur money in stocks LMFAO. perfectly in character

one aspect i wish more people understood about them i wishhh people understood everything about her more like 1. that she is equally part of the gang as goemon and that 2. she is a thief out of BOREDOM like lupin is. yes fujiko ALSO cares about treasures & money but that is to fill the void in her life... like #materialgirl. hows that so hard to understand that shes deeply unhappy and seeks fun (through heists and through hoarding Fun Expensive Stuff and through fake marriage schemes and through her flings with lupin and so on) COME ON!!! shes not money-hungry as in she wants to hoard and be a billionaire she just likes seeking it out cuz its fun AND SHES A GAMBLER re: the stocks thing but also re: her poker card motif re: the cicciolina episode and so on and so forth. shes at her heart a gambling addict, too. thrillseeker!!!!

one (or more) headcanon(s) i have about this character uhm headcanons wise i simply cannot see her as anything but a rich kid who was cut off from the family fortune for whatever reason like fujiko to me has a very instinctual understanding of moneys worth and moneys power. as if shed grown up seeing her father wield it as a weapon. but for whatever reason (because an older brother herited the family fortune or ties were cut with her personally, or whatever else) she lost access to that money and had to get it on her own and OF COURSE shed get it through crime cause 1. better money to be made 2. faster this way + shed know about fraud from her dad doing it 3. ITS MORE FUN.. also fujiko mine is a fake name/new identity she named herself that. whether shes cis or trans she named herself that. and fujiko coming from money but not getting to use it pairs nicely with lupin being an heir like he too grew up with money but he always had access to it (and was taught how to steal anything he might want too) so money is worthless to him. its just funny paper he steals sometime. fujiko was cut off from it so shell take anything she can get

one character i love seeing them interact with FUJIKO AND JIGEN FRIENDSHIP IS EVERYTHING TO MEEEE they are best friends who hate each other. this is kinda hellish to me specifically to navigate in fandom cuz on one hand u get people who dont understand anything and think jigen & fujiko genuinely wish the other was dead (... presumably in some ultra-monogamous way to hog lupin ig? lmfao) and on the other hand u get people who ship them and think they have sex n its like ok i think theres some threesomes in there but uhm. just the two of em no that is untrue that never happened. sorry. i also love any fujiko & goemon interactions and uhm basically fujiko interacting with anyone ever cuz shes my everything but i think jigen fujiko friendship is my most special thing to see cuz its kinda rare...

one character i wish they would interact with/interact with more what if rebecca and fujiko interacted more i swear to god they would have so much to talk about UGH the writing on rebecca really dropped past the halfway point of part 4 and ill forever be frustrated by this..... FUJIKO WAS DRESSED LIKE REBECCAS EX LIKE HELLOOOOO they are dating.

one (or more) headcanon(s) i have that involve them and one other character i think fujiko & jigen go to casinos together sometime. sometime its coincidence and they just end up at the same poker tournament and sometime its on purpose and its teaming up to cheat at mahjong. do u understand my vision.. they are gambler buddies. also this is where id put my fujilup heacanons if i remembered any of them i just think they are in fucked up love <3 non traditional relationships WIN

[tempestuous-tempest]

Nick Valentine Ramble and Headcannons:

Warning: I do mention some sensitive topics. I will put these in Orange.

The first character I fell in love with during my "first" playthrough. I had played before technically but the only memory I had was of Nick and I dont believe I got to finish it. So when I finally decided to play it, I went straight for Nick after saving Preston per usual in the game.

Now and days I consider Nick more of a father figure plus I get a free uncle DiMa.

Nick is all around just an awesome character and companion.

As many others, I think he needs more attention in the game. Like the Kellog thing could have been explored a little more. But I understand how complicated that could have been given the way the game works.

His insecurities about his own identity and how he doesnt feel like he is his own person completely separate from the original Nick makes me think that he disassociates sometimes. Which may or may not have been talked about before.

It took himself a while to get used to seeing himself in the mirror.

If you've ever seen the beggining scenes of "Replicas" with Keanu Reeves in it, that's how I feel Nick's imprinting processes might have gone like when he didnt know who he was.

Original Nick smoked cigarettes just for the aesthetic reasons. Synth Nick also mainly does it out of habit. He does somewhat want to quit, even if it doesnt affect him in any way.

Literally acts like a dad and tells tons of dad jokes.

Original Nick was a vanilla ice cream guy. No shame.

If he were able to drink coffee, he would probably order a Latte Macchiato

He enjoys a good book. His favorite genre is actually Romance. The deep, dark entrancing kind that makes you not want to put the book down. Not that sweet, soft stuff that makes you all giddy.

He gives me Gibbs vibes. The guy from N.C.I.S.

Very accepting of those in the community.

I dont really get the whole ship between him and John so I'm just going to stick with my whole "Very close friends" and "Nick is kinda like a parent/guardian to John" headcannon. I think Nick is also older than John and knew him when he was just a young man in his early 20s.

Nick and Gibbs were both semi inspiration for my own Detective character Oscar Matthew Karma. Which if anyone feels like asking about, I can share more info on him too.

I know its not as long as Deacon's was but my mind is drawing blanks right now. Sorry. As I said with Deacon, I will probably make more parts of his. I just need a mind break.

[homophyte]

okay im going to be vulnerable and admit though ive owned house of leaves for a few months i was spurred to start reading it the other day after watching that video on myhouse.wad . no one make fun of me. that being said.

im not necessarily going though it super in depth and more just trying to unravel some stuff for funsies with some various help from old forums and what strikes me as sometimes glaringly missing from discussions on the book is the way it relates to women. like the fact that the house itself is treated as though it has a female identity will get talked about but theres not rlly discussions about the ramifications of that--how will and holloways posturing--named as explicitly about 'male dominance'--is essentially a fight over who gets to get the girl. wills early venture into the house is literally likened to karen kissing wax, like theyre BOTH infidelities, and thats not nearly the first time karen herself treats the situation like the house is her romantic rival or at least rival for wills attention (im not far enough in to have too solid a grasp on the implications of the name delial--but lets just say i have a suspicion?).

anyway whats maybe even more interesting than that is the way its kinda ALL about gender--its men who keep entering the house desperate to know what its about, its men driven to write about it and uncover its secret knowledge, and it drives them fucking crazy. like...you can read that--VERY EASILY--as men 'discovering' the ""hidden"" interiority of women, like, the very idea that women are complex people with their own ideas and emotions and inner worlds. the fact that the house has a secret inside is huge fucking news and just about every man in the novel reacts to it as such, but the reactions from women are like...not that. idk im not done with it by any means but the similarity between the conversations between karen & wax at the end ch VII and johnny & thumper at the end of VIII really apparent. when thumper is listening to johnny, seeking to understand him, being really invested and interested and not reacting with annoyance or disdain or boredom like he expects, it genuinely really knocks him out to the point he nearly cries--and then he bottles it up, writes it off, even when she echoes karens exact words flirting with wax he doesnt register it.

the text displays a consciousness around gendered expectations here, particularly bc thumper is a sex worker, that she cant be expected to intellectually engage w it, but she can and does...and then johnny doenst know what to DO about it, how to engage w a real moment of understanding between the sexes or whatever so he very consciously falls back on gender expectations for men and refuses to feel that connection, severing the tie he inadvertently built w her and consigning the moment to unknowable blackness. the void is invented by people determined to treat it as foreign--which often means treating it as hostile (holloways gun, johnnys suspicions when thumper didnt call him back).

that she ends with the comment 'you just need to get out of the house' is like...almost laughably on the nose especially w the way chauvanist culture has proliferated on the internet. like in the book too, dont get me wrong, its just so startlingly accurate to whats going on it seems like she really must UNDERSTAND in a way johnny fails to capture in his narration but still comes through due to her being kinda fucking great--sorry i REALLY like thumper in this actually she may be my favorite. its sort of difficult for me to look at the line and divorce it in my head from the phenomenon of the incel--read a certain way, you have johnny ranting and raving about how he just cant ever figure out what the collective 'woman' is thinking and all this time hes spent driving himself crazy about it, and thumper listening and understanding and very sympathetically and honestly saying 'that wouldnt be a big deal if you interacted w women instead of holing up inside trying to theorize about it.'

i dont necessarily think its a mistake that johnny is the kind of person he is, a partying womanizer or whatever, bc sex becomes his only interaction w women (his failure to talk abt the book w kyrie in favor or fucking her) just as entering the house becomes wills only interaction w it (or at least he rages when he cant have that interaction, he values it above others). the book is pretty clear about both of these acting as forms of penetration. as johnny gets more invested in the text he interacts more and more w the women zampano used as interpreters and comes more and more into contact w women and less and less able to deny their interiority.

the reaction from men that women are people is simple and plain disbelief, followed by disconnected, invasive, rigorous study, study that is likened to war, to surgery, to expedition--anything but understanding. its kind of baffling idk maybe im just not looking in the right place to see people talking about it but this sorta feels like...the point. hell even earlier in ch VII on page 91 you get will and holloway excitedly talking about calling the press about their huge discovery that no one will believe...and then just, karen, living her life, treated like an enigma. i literally have this written in my notes as "men discover women have internality; their wives decline to comment"

[jerrydarlin]

SPOILERS SPOILERS GOTTA BLOG NOW

rewatched Under The Skin last night. my friends are champs for sticking it out the whole way thru and i love them so much. i know that movie is not everyones cup of tea, its so bleak and disheartening.

as much as it is about predatory nature and taking advantage of loneliness (and taking advantage of others' predatory natures too), as much as it is about BEING alone, and how sometimes thats just all we get, there still remains a desperate yearning for empathy. to achieve it. to receive it.

i think about that lil guy left on the beach as he struggles to learn to walk. Such a perfect gutpunch moment that really hits the theme almost TOO hard. we dont always have the support we need, and for a lot of us, it isnt clear if we ever will.

after sparing one of her would-be victims (she feels empathy for this poor deformed man, a subject to cruelty and ignorance by his fellow man every day of his life, an outsider), it becomes clear that our main girl is now also stuck in a strange place, alien to her, completely unaware of how people actually *DO* ANYthing, much less find joy in it. but still trying her best to understand. its a very subtle reversal and its actually quite beautiful. but, as they often do in films like these, tragedies will ensue, and the end result is an act of cruelty, met with shock and horror and failure to empathize.

its easy to frame these ideas through other lenses like race, gender and identity, religion, or immigration. so much of humanity's cruelty is just the outright refusal to empathize with anyone or anything.

Its probably not the best film by any means, but it addresses some really hard to answer problems, and for a guy who makes like one movie every ten years, its impressive that he wants to tackle stuff like this and not just offer up a smoothed-over experience for the viewer. some stuff just cant be written into fruition. we as a species must learn to love each other on our own.

[deepfriedseagullfeet]

I know cannon Jack in the lore was like the only thing that could make the convoluted mess of a story make sense. But it seems like there's going to be a slight re-write of the lore. I was actually disappointed with the whole "oh lets just do a supernatural research and containment place is evil(or not evil, just selfish in the pursuit of knowledge/curiosity that causes catastrophe) and thats why bad thing happen" as I writer I understand this kind of horror trope is popular, but I'm also tired of seeing it.

It feels so overdone at this point. But I understand it's just something he likes and I respect that.

The only possible writing solution is to put Chase in cannon Jack's position, of course this leads to a wall of "how we gonna write ourselves outta this one in a way that makes sense?"

Anyway on the question of what is Anti, it's definitely moved on from "oh he's just a demon or something" but I hope they do keep it interesting.

Now for your writing, is definitely so far removed and so unique no one else could come up with the most depressing, distressing thing I have ever seen. The danger feels more real. The fact that there was this guy who created things without a sense of care, just abandoned them. I kinda cried not lying about that.

Now for the comics....I'm not sure if I'm going to buy a digital copy. It does seem like these versions of marvin and jackie are going to cater towards the fannon side of things, with slight changes. Now if this is going to be a multiverse thing...(another trope trending in fiction media lately) I can only hope it's not complicated.

Please keep creating.

I COMPLETELY FORGOT TO ANSWER THIS SOOOOORRRYYYYYY

but yeahhhhh idk how i feel about the whole iris thing! ive seen the whole mysterious facility thing before and i feel that its such a different direction than the original lore.......and jack being put in a coma by anti and EVERYTHING ABOUT THE ORIGINAL ANTI VIDEO was super cool in my option AND CHASE MASQUERADING AS JACK CAUSE THEY LOOK IDENTICAL ughhhh it was a neat narrative. not that im a Hater of what sean does creatively but i do prefer the original lore ya know? maybe thats nostalgia talkin but yeah. i actually have not bought the comics yet because i genuinely kinda dont care, which seems mean to say! maybe i will read them eventually but for now im not super interested. anyways. sean can do what he wants forever and i have my own opinions and complicated thoughts about the years of the jse ego hayday. but im glad i can talk about what i think about the 'modern' ego stuff without much backlash and we can have discussions 👍

also im sorry my ego lore made you cry omg 😭 i mostly just daydream at work and come up with wild shit that i think is fucked up and cool and i sometimes post about. its crazy to me that my ideas are impactful and make people feel things 🥺 thank u all for interacting and enjoying what i make, i genuinely hope i can find the time to work on more ego stuff soon (like the iceberg. i keep re-writing the script over and over and cant make up my mind about certain things. IM SORRY ITLL COME OUT SOMEDAY)

[wetalkedaboutthisshinji]

Ramblings about Chris Elman and wtf his identity even is

I'm talking all endgame spoilers for Ward so PLEASE dont read if you haven´t finished it.

(SPOILERS FOR WARD)

Eventually I'll make an actual essay about Ward because there a lot of stuff. Ward is, IMO, not bad but is such a confusing absolute chaos of good and interesting ideas that kinda get lost in the haze of insanity. Like I do think Ward is good but it's the least good of all of Wildbow's stuff that I've read and I sincerely feel if he actually editted it it would be as good or better than Worm but he wont so whatev. I guess I'll just scream to the void.

Also, OOOOOOFFF because Chris is actually a very complex character! And this complexities IMO are NOT well examined in the story proper! My hot take is simply that Wildbow just kinda....didn't fully explain or problematize or, like, made a plot of this, despite it clearly being both set up for it as well as quite honestly necessary to understand one of the main characters.

What is even Chris's mental age?

In a way Chris is a clone with all the memories of a man somewhere between 20-40 years old. He was made specifically to relive the traumatic events of his creator's life so that he would trigger in the exact same way and have the same powers, an utterly insane idea that hadnt even been shown to be possible. He retains traumas and anger from this life, despite it not being technically his own, and in his own internal narrative often sees himself as Lab Rat, the minor villain that turns out was actually one of the most powerful villains in this universe. Several people treat Chris not as his own person but as Lab Rat cheating death, coming back.

Note 1: the reveal that Lab Rat is Chris's creators is THE WORST twist Wildbow ever did. It comes out of NOWHERE, it's about a character that had NO relevance since Worm ending and no presence in Ward proper and, while not IMPOSSIBLE in this universe it takes so many unlikely stuff and leaps of logic that it just...wow. They really do it like they expect the audience to flip their shit but I had to wiki walk a lot to even get what was going on. And when I did my answer was not "Holy shit! This is crazy" but a very confused "Is that how triggers even work?"

I believe the issue was that commentors on the webpage where so filled with complex headcanons that when Wildbow decided to follow on one of them everybody that was there week by week was so busy losing their minds to even contemplate the fact that it was all kinda from left field.

Note 2: My personal headcanon is that Chris and Lab Rat have actually slightly different abilities as Chris seems more focused on serums that temporarily grant powers instead of just making monsters but that might be just how they are different in their usage of their powers --another point for "Chris is not Lab Rat" bag imo. Also he's clearly a Trump? Like, he can clearly mix powers? Isn't that OP? Why doesn't anyone react to this random suddenly becoming Eidolon Lite?

Going back to the main topic, the other thing about Chris is that in another wqay he began existing sometime around Gold Morning so he's also 2 years? He is the thingy that Taylor Hebbert helped Lab Rat toss over the ocean. The monster maker's last creation, made out of a dare, to show how great this own power really was, made to do "something big". Created out of hubris, whim and irresponsability.

Chris began existing as a literal monster without a human body, possible non-sentient, driven by "directives" that he biologically has to follow. So in a way he is kinda close to Nilbog's creations, as a byproduct of parahumans irresponsably going all Frankenstein. The way he constantly associates himself with monsters and non-humans is...kinda a point from him? And this clearly informed his actions on the Titanomaquia but it was A Bit Rushed (take a drink when you say this regarding a secondary character on Ward ending).

And like, he is also clearly dominated by the "Directives" his creator left and those drive him but he kinda rationalizes them as things that he truly wants and becomes emotionally invested in them but at the same time you could argue he IS a victim of his own creation....but nobody finds out he even has directives he HAS to follow. Not to mention the insanity of sometimes seeing yourself as a person but at the same time having orders of that same person installed since birth in your head in a way that you cannot fight.

And, like, he himself seems to be incapable of making up his mind whether or not he is his creator? Like he sometimes seems to truly believe himself to be this older man, despite the fact that he's physically another body and also began existing as a completely different being and demostrably has different attitudes and has to follow the order of the original Lab Rat. But he still has his memories, his hatred for people, his grudge against his sister. So he does have more maturity than a 12-year old. But he IS immature because he's also 2 years old. Victoria essentially forgives everything he pulls because she essentially internalizes him as even more of a child than Kenzie and, well, not wrong? His actions really do scream of a child going "You can hit me :P" at times with Team Breakthrough, which arguably are the first and only people that have treated him as his own person, something he himself is not sure he is or isn't. So he lashes out at them and constantly annoys them but it's always this extremely self-destructive thing? It's a very compelling dynamic, a friend turned enemy that kinda just wants to attention but doesn't want to admit it. He wants to be validated as an evil monster but this people have seen both sides of him and know he is closer to an annoying 12 year old that he himself will ever be to the Endbringers.

Jessica outright believes him to be his own being and sincere about heroics and when she asks him what he truly is Chris just shrugs? Because he himself doesnt know and his only real way to treat humans is lying to them so he has never been able to even be aware of it all?

And like, Jessica KNEW. And you could argue that it's a plot hole that she allowed Chris into the team because she fell for his lie and openly wasn't worried about him turning evil. But I would very much indeed like to understand what would it mean for Chris, who began life as a literal monsters during a war and was forced into memories that werent his to be trusted by another person. And what Jessica saw in him to make her believe he could be a hero.

Dont worry tho, Jessica disappears at the end of Ward and this is not examined in any way. Take a drink!

IMO the whole Chris arc is for me one of the parts where Wildbow really dropped the ball because IT IS important and IT IS interesting and there is so much you can do with it but he just kinda stays in the background most of the time.

[lovphobic]

umm. trying to sleep thought demons. my bad if u read this. thanks if u read this.

sometimes (very rarely usually only when i get in my own head but thats still enough) i dont feel. 100% comfortable w the lesbian identity? bc im always like ohhh but what if there actually IS one (1) guy out there id be happy w. despite me. trying that.. last year. and kinda really hating it. BUT BUT BUT that just means he wasnt The guy. but i definitely do not feel like im bi? bc i dont regularly feel any attraction to men.. so i kinda just feel like im faking things. so i feel like a lesbian 99,9% of the time and then i got but what if and it KILLS ME. like dude come on.

but like this whole thought process is interjected with the fact that last time i thought this stuff i was left w feelings of being used (even if it wasnt the intent. intention means nothing in the end) and then my ex being completely unwilling to be understanding and telling me she doesnt want to hear ab the dick ive been riding. like. ok. i dont want to feel like that again. i dont want to feel small and scared and alone like that again.

and it just really sucks. but like i know deep down in my heart its not gonna be an issue for me because nobody like. likes me like that. and if they do it doesnt last long. and i know that bc its all ive ever been shown. so like does it even matter what i am if that part of me is just going to be dormant? les bi an. im whatever u want me to be

like realistically i know its comphet or whatever but. idk. i just Want something. i Want someone who gives a shit about me and refuses to stop calling me until i pick up when theyre worried about me or they know im sad like he did. because even if i mostly have negative feelings associated w him its the one thing he really did right that nobody else has yet. but i cant ask my friends to do that because its Weird thats a fucking Weird request to make of a friend and if i have to request that that means its not coming from the heart...

idk. i miss feeling loved. i dont think i care who makes me feel that way again right now. i just miss it. i hope jakey dies