#sometimes I just. hurt so deeply in every way emotionally and physically

[chestersturniolo]

“don’t gotta be so dramatic all the fuckin’ time”

Matt Sturniolo x fem!reader x Chris Sturniolo

based on this request

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DISCLAIMER; chratt poly relationship dynamic!! if you aren’t comfortable w this, do not read

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It had started as a small tiff, but somehow, it escalated out of control in minutes. The three of you were in the kitchen, and Chris had made a comment-something offhanded about how you were “always overthinking everything”

“Overthinking?-” you snapped, setting down the mug you’d been holding “-you’re really calling me out for caring about stuff, Chris? Unbelievable”

Chris crossed his arms, his expression growing defensive. “That’s not what I’m saying, I’m saying sometimes you blow things way out of proportion. I can’t bring anything up without you acting like it’s some huge deal!”

Your pulse quickened, your anger growing quickly, “You know what, maybe I wouldn’t if you actually bothered to listen for once instead of making me feel like I’m overreacting every time I say something!”

Matt, who had been silent in the corner, finally chimed in, “I think Chris is just trying to say you’re taking it a bit far” he shrugged, his words only added fuel to the fire.

You turned to him, a mix of anger and hurt flooding your face. “Oh, of course you’re siding with him-“ you scoffed “-god forbid you actually back me up on something for once!”

Matt shook his head with a roll of his eyes, frustration in his voice now too. “Look, it’s not about sides, I just don’t think it’s worth blowing up over”

“Exactly-“ Chris agrees “-don’t gotta be so dramatic all the fuckin’ time” he snaps, his voice raising.

You get taken aback slightly at his tone. sure, you’ve all had disagreements before, but it rarely escalated to any form of yelling. There’s dead silence in the room as your emotions start to become overwhelming. The way they teamed up and dismissed your feelings only pushed you to the edge, so without a word, you turned and stormed out of the house, the door slamming shut behind you.

-

You spent the entire day wandering around town, trying to clear your mind. You walked down familiar streets, through the park, even sat by the lake for a while, letting the fresh air and the quiet calm you down. Your phone buzzed relentlessly in your pocket, but eventually, you turned it off.

Finally, as the sun began to set, you decided to head home. You felt drained, both emotionally and physically, but you knew it was time to face them.

When you opened the front door, you were immediately met with the sound of voices from upstairs. As you climbed the stairs quietly, you could hear them—Chris and Matt, arguing with each other.

“You shouldn’t have snapped at her like that!” Matt was practically shouting, his voice thick with anger.

“Don’t put all the blame on me-“ Chris shot back “-you didn’t exactly help calm her down, did you?”

There was a pause, then you heard Chris sigh deeply. “Let’s go back out and look again”

“We’ve been driving around for hours, Chris! What makes you think she’ll still be out there now?-” Matt snapped, his frustration clear. “-I’m calling her again”

You took a deep breath, feeling a mix of guilt and exhaustion as you stepped around the corner. The living room came into view, and you saw Chris sitting on the couch, elbows on his knees with his head in his hands,,while Matt was pacing back and forth, his phone pressed to his ear.

“Hi” you said quietly, breaking the tense silence

Both of their heads snapped toward you, a mix of anger and relief on their faces.

Chris stood up quickly. “Hi?” he repeats in disbelief, “Where the hell have you been?! We’ve been worried sick!” His voice strained with both worry and frustration.

“Out” you said simply, still feeling a bit defiant despite the guilt settling in your chest.

“Out?” he echoed, his jaw clenching as he turned to Matt. “Can you believe this shit? Just…‘out’ - like we haven’t been losing our minds looking for her all day”

Matt rolled his eyes but then turned his attention back to you, his tone softer than Chris’s. He crossed the room to stand infront of you. “I tried calling you, like, a thousand times” he said, his voice more tired than angry.

You looked down, feeling a pang of remorse. “I turned my phone off”

Matt let out a deep sigh, a flash of frustration crossing his face as he throws both hands up in the air “You can’t just—” He cut himself off abruptly, noticing the tears that were starting to well up in your eyes as you dropped your gaze to the floor

Immediately, his face softened, his irritation melting away. “Oh baby” he murmured, stepping forward and wrapping his arms around you, pulling you close, shooting a look to his brother

“I’m sorry-“ you choked out, a few tears slipping down your cheeks. “I just…I was so mad, I needed to clear my head, and I just lost track of time,and I hate fighting with you guys and-and-i-“ you cut your own rambling off with small sobs

Matt held you tighter, stroking your hair gently. “Sh-sh-shhh it’s okay” he soothed, his voice a whisper

Chris, who had been watching, came over with a much softer expression, holding out his arms. “Come here, ma” he said, his voice now gentle.

You sniffled, letting go of Matt to move into Chris’s arms. He wrapped you in a tight embrace, laying a kiss to the top of your head before resting his chin there. “it’s okay, you’re here now that’s all that matters,hmm?-“ he murmured, rubbing your back in slow circles. “-I’m sorry for earlier, I shouldn’t have snapped at you like that, I was way outta’ line”

Matt steps closer, tucking a strand of hair behind your ear, “Me too baby, i’m sorry-” he says quietly, his voice full with regret “-but please don’t leave like that again okay? if you don’t wanna talk things out and need some space, we’ll leave…we need to know you’re safe sweetheart”

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a/n; thankyou for the request anon🫀!! lylyly

- 𝑺𝒂𝒈𝒆 ♡

MASTERLIST LINKED HERE

taglist;

@sturnobsessedwh0re @nayveetbhh

@phone4pills @sturniooolos

@monroesturnns @mattsbitchh @pvssychicken @tsturniolo4 @brianna-grace12

@blahbel668

@stvrlighht @witchofthehour @ilyttmatsa @asherrisrandom @l0ver-i

@starstrucktyrantinfluencer @fratbrochrisgf @emely9274

@chriseatingmeoutin4k @slvttie-zx

@bbybloop @sturnn372 @chrissturnsss @izzylovesmatt

@sturniolossss @sturniolofannnforevver @zariyam @r0s3luvr

@sturniolosluttt @matts1freak @conspiracy-ash

@stvrnzwrld @blehblehbleh735

@luvb0xoxo @ivysturnss @stars4star @sturnsxbitvh

@amayaaaho @thebigbadwolfahoooo @riasturns @kamrynnsturns @sophand4n4 @strnlslut

[mockerycrow]

UNDER THE SURFACE (Ghost x GN!Reader)

ghost masterlist — ghost icon by @yumethefrostypanda concept post here!

authors note; this is not my best work tbh, i wish i could improve it somehow, but i’m hoping you guys will like it anyway. Pretty sure this is my longest singular post, too! 4.7k words :-)

[WARNINGS: angst, spiraling thoughts, near panic attack, hurt/comfort, inaccurate medical stuff, vague descriptions of physical violence, very brief mention of possible self harm.]

YOU WERE USED to Simon being gone for long periods of time; you have been his roommate for two years now, nearly three. You know he’s military, it’s part of the reason why you were able to score being his roommate in the first place. At first, it was a very awkward arrangement. Simon himself wasn’t a very awkward person, no—he’s actually quite charismatic in his own way, a way that you could get along with. One of the reasons why the arrangement was strange at first was because you weren’t exactly able to get a one on one tour of the flat before agreeing, but you were a bit more trusting of this mysterious man because a mutual friend—Kate—sent you his contact information, considering you were looking for a new place to live since your lease was up.

Simon’s flat was void of any personality, really. Yes, you could tell by the way he organized everything that he had been in the military, probably for quite a while—but there weren’t any photos. No gaming systems; you discovered he did have a bookcase of quite a few books, but it was covered in a layer of dust. Despite this, when examining the books he owned, you could tell they were worn down—definitely loved. It made you smile a bit, seeing the different variety of books. A bit of personality, you think. Besides his room, it was like a completely furnished, no personality flat. You weren’t allowed in his room, not unless he gave you explicit permission, which you honored his boundaries. Simon was kind enough to offer you a space in his home—but you know he was quite weary of you, which was understandable. He helped you move in and you could tell he was watching you and your body language. Searching you for danger—but he slowly warmed up to you.

Another thing that you discovered that Simon was quite emotionally.. constipated. Over the first few months, you could tell he didn’t sleep as much as he probably should. He was always awake before you, and you would always find him in the kitchen, sipping on a hot cup of tea. After a few weeks of this routine—Simon rising much earlier than you, you figured maybe he couldn’t break the military’s strict routines.. Until one night you woke up from the sound of his heavy footsteps walking down the hall. You tensed in your bed and you sat up because Simon was silent as a ghost all the time. You didn’t even know if it was him at first, so in your half-asleep panicked state, you felt for your phone and you texted Simon’s contact, asking a messily texted “is that you walking around?” You blink your sleepiness away and wipe your eye as your phone vibrates with a “yeah. sorry.”

That was the first time you got some notion that Simon was thrown off guard from something, after another week of awakening from his noises, you began to realize that he was experiencing night terrors every couple of nights. His nightmares were never a thing you two discussed, exactly.. It was more of an unspoken rule to not talk about it. You would occasionally find yourself in the kitchen around the time you calculated when Simon would wake up—and you were right nearly every time—and you just.. coincidentally made him a cup of tea. To Simon’s pleasant surprise, you managed to get his tea right every single time. You’ve had your fair share of night terrors, so you knew how it could be sometimes. You wanted to do something nice for him, and he seemed flustered every time.

It took you a while to get used to him being gone for long periods of time. Simon appreciated that you never questioned too deeply into his career, even the times he would come home sporting a new injury, you were always willing to play doctor for him. Simon saw the concern in your eyes and sometimes he would share small stories of what happened, or maybe to get you to stop thinking about his injuries, a small story about his teammates. You slowly learned their names over the course of a year and a half, and you learned Simon’s rank as well. He is a lieutenant, and there’s a man called Captain Price, another man named Sergeant Kyle Garrick, and one more man named Sergeant John MacTavish, who Simon referred to as “Johnny” fondly.

It wasn’t common that Simon talked about work, which is the reason why it took about a year and a half to even get the information you did out of him. Over the time you’ve lived with him, you had decorated the flat to feel more comfortable and home-y. Simon only had a few requests, which you honored, and one of them was no pictures of him with his face showing. You shot him a curious and questioning look, but as always—you didn’t question him, and he was very thankful. You had gotten a few indoor plants as well that didn’t need much caring for and you wanted to liven up the place, y’know? You were okay with Simon not sharing much about his past or his work, because he was willing to listen to your little rambles about your interests and work. You were a bit hesitant, but Simon was very emotive and he never seemed annoyed or brushed you off.

Despite Simon’s reluctance to share anything of his own, he always heard you out if you needed to vent about something. He made sure you knew you could talk to him, even on days where you felt like you had no one to go to. You spent an entire night with him, just talking about anything and everything. It was the first real conversation you felt like you have had with anyone in such a long time. It was also the first night Simon really saw you. He watched as your eyebrows furrowed from uncomfortableness, the vulnerability being nearly too much to handle; something he could relate to on a personal level. So when you started showing these signs, he knew exactly when to change the subject. Simon quickly realized how to read you, and he somehow knew what you needed at different moments.

Simon flies into the airport late at night with a small duffel bag, tagged as a military bag. He sends you a quick “be home soon.” text. Simon doesn’t expect you to answer due to it being around 3 in the morning, and you indeed don’t answer him. He catches a taxi to your shared flat. Simon collects his things from the taxi before paying the driver and sending them off, and Simon lets out a slow breath as he takes in the achingly familiar sight of the place he lives in. He tugs the hood that remains sitting over his head closer to his face, which is covered by a black surgical mask. His hand tightens on the straps of the duffel bag before he approaches the flat building, taking out his keys as he approaches the elevator. Once Simon reaches the third floor, he wastes no time getting to the front door, and he isn’t sure why, but his heart is pounding inside of his chest.

Simon unlocks both the top lock and the doorknob to enter the flat—something he had taught you to do every single time. He pockets his keys as he enters and Simon pauses for a moment because he can’t put his finger on it, but something feels off the second he glanced inside. His eyes trail the living room which is clean, not one thing out of place. Simon takes a deep breath and he doesn’t brush off the weird feeling, because even when there’s no evidence something happened—he’s usually right. The blanket on the couch is perfectly folded and laid over the back cushions, the mini bookcase by the TV is dusted as always, your shoes.. Are not by the front door, but a different pair are..? These either are not your shoes, or they are new. You always warned Simon about bringing people over, and you definitely would’ve told him this time. The lamp is on in the living room, but it seems the lights are out everywhere else. Simon silently goes through his routine when he gets back late at night—taking his jacket off and hanging it up, he leaves his boots by the door, and he drops his keys into the dish.

Next step to his routine is to step into the kitchen and get a cup of actually good quality tea, unlike the shit the military provides him. He fills up the electric kettle and sets a timer on it, grabbing his favorite mug and the box of his favorite tea from the cabinets. Simon glances down the dark hall—he’s seeking for a sign of life from you because you’re usually getting up around this time to greet him. No matter what, you always seem to know when he returns—yet you aren’t leaving your room. There’s no light emitting from the hall nor underneath the doors, and fuck, it’s eating at him. Something is wrong—and what the fuck is it? Simon stands there for a moment, turning his head to watch the blue light blinking on the electric kettle. He watches it blink slowly as he tries to rack his brain for what could be wrong—maybe those shoes are someone else’s, but he could just have a stern conversation with you about it later. Maybe you came back from drinking with friends—no, if that was the case, he knows for a fact your belongings would be everywhere, maybe even a spilled glass of water in the kitchen. He’s had to clean that up a couple of times.

He raises his wrist and pulls up his sleeve a bit to look at his digital watch; it’s nearly 0400 now. Simon puts his hands on the counter, leaning his body weight against it. Did something happen at work, maybe that’s why it feels off? You’ve always had a commanding presence like he has, so maybe— “Fuck.” Simon hisses quietly, hooking a finger into the strap of his black face mask and he rips it off, tossing it without care onto the counter. He leans forward and checks the kettles timer for a second, and then he’s walking towards the hall. Simon passes by his room and he walks up to yours, and he tries to turn the doorknob to peak in to check on you, but—it’s locked? Simon lets out a harsh breath before trying the door again, and yeah, it’s locked. Simon swears under his breath and he knocks on the door, his stomach twisting and turning. Something is wrong, very very wrong, very fucking wrong—

You unlock the door and you open it just enough for you to peak out, and you use your phone flashlight to shine it in Simon’s face. He squints and puts his hand up, his voice rumbling in his chest. “Hey—you locked your door.” He points out quietly, and you’re just staring at him, your eyes wide and alert. Simon’s anxiety lessens, but your reaction doesn’t make it go away. “Y’alright?” Simon drawls out, his hand on the wood panel of the door. You let out a harsh breath and you let go of your phone, letting out a quiet, “Simon..” before you suddenly pull your door completely open, and you wrap your arms around his thick torso into a hug. Simon swears his heart jumps into his throat and then into his stomach, bouncing back into his chest because you hugged him. You two were never particularly touchy like that, maybe a fleeting touch here or two, usual drunken affection from you—but you barely ever hugged him like this, even when he returned from deployments. Your touch burns hot through his clothes, and he knows you wouldn’t touch him without asking, so when you do? He wraps an arm around you, his free arm resting on your shoulder. “Hey..” Simon breathes out, lost for words.

You don’t hold on long enough for the uncomfortable worry to creep up his spine just yet. You rip yourself away from him like he burned you, his hands falling to his sides. You offer a tight, weak smile—one that you could easily play off as a sign of fatigue. Simon’s breath stutters as he watches your hands linger near your chest in a subconscious defensive gesture, your fingers closing into a fist for a moment; as if you’re uncomfortable, almost overstimulated. Simon feels the way for the light switch and he flips it on, and your room looks normal—but you look.. off. You look a bit clammy, almost like you’re sick or bouncing off the walls with anxiety. His eyes flick to your fingers and the skin besides your thumbnail and your middle finger are picked to all hell, and you just.. don’t seem right. All of these.. signs, you’re showing are actually very subtle—he just notices everything about you. Simon knows what food you favor, what your favorite color is, what social situations what you tick, what makes you mad—he knows it all. “Three months went by slow,” You murmur, trying to start a conversation. Simon’s eyes narrow at you for a moment as he watches you back up to your bed; no, you don’t turn around, you back up. You don’t turn your back to Simon at all. Fuck. He watches you lift your mattress, causing him to lift an eyebrow. “They did,” Simon confirms. “What happened while I was gone?”

This wasn’t an unusual question for Simon to ask; but it had a completely different meaning to you this time. You feel your muscles tense as you grab something from under your mattress, and you put it back down. It glints from the overhead light in your bedroom—a.. pocket knife of some sort, a switchblade perhaps. Simon’s eyes narrow at how you pocket it oh so quickly into your pocket. “Nothing much,” You reply quickly, smoothing out your shirt. “Same old same old, work has been fine, uh..” You trail off for a moment, clearing your throat. “Look, let me take a shower—I’m sure you’re itching for something to eat, huh?” Simon watches you open your drawers and pick out some pants and a shirt. The knife comes to mind—why are you taking it with you? “I can make it myself.” Simon responds, his feet planted firmly where he had been standing the whole time. You shake your head and close the drawers once you collect your clothes.

“It’s tradition, Simon. I gotta.” You offer a stronger smile as you make your way towards the door, still avoiding showing your back towards him. Simon watches as you glance at your bedroom window before exiting your room, muttering a quiet “close the door when you leave”, which Simon obeys. He shuts the door with a click, and he watches you quickly scurry down the hall towards the bathroom. “Just let me shower first.” And with that, you step into the bathroom, close the door and you lock it before Simon can interject. He stands there for a moment, stunned. His chest tightens for a moment because you just felt so far away. You’ve created such unwanted distance—even as you’re not very touchy with him, you still bother him for every detail he’s willing to give up when he returns. You are constantly making jokes, inviting him into the kitchen when you’re about to make a welcome home meal—but this time? You were hiding in your room, locking your door, bringing a knife with you—in front of him. Did you think that could slip past him? Did something happen whilst he was gone, to cause you to bring it with you? Is it for self defense against something or someone?— Is it to use on yourself?

Simon feels his stomach turn at his thoughts. He shakes his head and sighs, pinching the bridge of his nose. He walks past the bathroom, his footsteps stuttering for a moment in front of the door before he presses his lips into a thin line, returning to the kitchen to make himself some tea, the electric kettle had beeped long ago.

The next late morning, not much was different. Simon only slept a few hours, three or four—as per usual, he still woke up before you. He threw on a pair of sweatpants, and a black hoodie. He made his tea, made you a cup of what you prefer to drink in the morning, and he made a light breakfast for you both. Despite being in the military for a while and relying on cooks as well as MRE’s to get through his days, Simon is a decent cook. He made himself some sausage and fried eggs, and he made a plate or a bowl of what you prefer to eat in the morning. Simon sighs for a moment as he glances at the time—around 1100, and you still haven’t emerged from your room which is odd, especially now that Simon just came back home. He takes a moment to look at his food, and he decides then and there he will drag you out if he has to. Simon scoops up his plate as well as your food, and he heads down the hall towards your room. With his hands full, Simon balances for a second as he gently kicks the door as a way to knock, and then he stands on both of his feet again. “Oi, wake up!” Simon shouts, leaning close to the door to listen for your movement.

It takes a good minute and when Simon is about to knock again; he hears your doorknob unlock and you peak out the door, your eyes wide and alert again, although it’s obvious you had just woken up. You seem to relax when your tired mind’s gears turn and you realize it’s just Simon. You open your door wider and you rub your eye, and he spots the knife in your hand, partially obscured by the door. “Mm, sorry. I overslept.” You say, your voice heavy with sleep, vibrating in your chest. Simon makes a noncommittal noise before holding out your food, which you stare at for a moment you take it, your lips twitching into a weak smile. “Thanks, Simon.” He waits a few seconds, and you nearly shut your door on him.

Thanks, Simon. That’s all??

“Can I eat in your room wit’you?” Simon gruffs out, feeling sudden determination from this weird act you have going on. You blink for a moment and then you nod. “Just give me a sec.” You murmur. You shut the door in his face and he hears you shuffling about, moving something—sounds like your mattress. Are you putting your knife away??—and then you open your door, gesturing for Simon to walk into your room. Surely you don’t think you can hide this type of thing from him of all people, right? Why are you hiding it from him?

Simon enters your room, and you close the door behind him. You never used to do that—“What happened?” Simon stares at you for an answer, watching your face contort in a bit of confusion. You don’t say anything at first, and when you were about to open your mouth, Simon speaks. “I mean this in the nicest way possible—do ya take me f’a wanker?” Your jaw drops for a moment, your eyebrows furrowing. “What? No, of course not, Simon. Nothing happened, I’m not sure why—“

“Don’t,” Simon interrupts, putting his plate of food on your dresser. “Something has happened, and you’re lyin’ to me. You’re jumpy, you’re carryin’ a blood knife around, lovie—don’t think you can get that past me—and you won’t turn your back on me.” His lips press into a line as he watches your shoulder hunch up a bit, in an all too familiar defensive, tense position. The pit in Simon’s stomach begins to grow as you avert your eyes from, too. “You are barely talkin’ when you bloody damn near talk my ear off when I come home—you said, ‘Thanks, Simon.’ Not an over the top reaction about me doing something for th’both of’us, not a invite in, and last night—you’ve been locking your door.” You put your food down near yourself, and Simon catches the way your fingers are trembling. “I.. I’m allowed to lock my door, Simon. You don’t need to question me.” You say, attempting to hold a steady voice which barely works, your voice nearly cracking on the last word. Your heart is racing out of your chest and all you want to do is bolt at the door; which Simon catches on to. You watch him as he slowly begins to step in front of the door. “You tell me everything—even how your damn showers go. Why won’t you tell me this?” He demands, and his heart is pounding against his ribcage, too.

He watches your face contort into several different emotions and feelings; panic, sadness, anger, relief—the whole nine yards. Simon walks towards you when you begin to sob, and you sit down on your bed to avoid collapsing. His chest tightens as he murmurs name, wondering if he went too far. You reach your hands for him and not for one second does Simon hesitate this time. He wraps his arms around you, sitting right next to you on your mattress, your thighs touching together. He reaches up and rubs the nape of your neck as you openly sob and shutter into the crook of his neck and in his arms. His skin burns from your heat seeping into his clothes, a lively warmth that burns so hot but he welcomes so much more than he remembers that he used to. Your tears are hot, burning his skin with every drop that slides onto his neck, but he welcomes the sensation. “It’s alright, lovie. Let it out.” Simon murmurs, one of his arms tugging your body closer to his. He holds you in almost protective stance, like someone is threatening to drag you away from his grasp. You grab at the back of his hoodie, your chest beginning to heave. “Mm, no, c’mere; look at me, yeah?” Simon beckons you, his voice smooth and soft—which is extremely rare. Simon cups your cheek and lifts your head from where it rests in the crook of his neck, his hand instantly getting covered in the wetness of your tears that are streaming down your cheeks. You inhale sharply as you try to look at Simon, your eyes unfocused and you try so hard to focus on his pretty brown eyes, but you can’t seem to get ahold of yourself. You let out a panicked sob as your hand now tug on the front of his hoodie, and his voice is so far away, but his hand is molding to the curve of your jaw, like it belongs there.

You shut your eyes for a moment and you let Simon move you around as he wants, which he ends up guiding your head to his chest, and his grip loosens some so you don’t feel trapped. It takes you a moment to catch your breath, to catch your bearings; you can hear a faint ringing sound that you didn’t notice before, but you do note it’s slowly fading away, and in fades is Simon’s voice. He’s murmuring praises—and oh, he’s laying against the headboard of your bed frame now, with you laying on his chest. You feel yourself trembling against him, and embarrassment hits you hard. You’re tense—you don’t want to talk about any of it at all, but you know Simon. He will push you until you snap, even if it’s in your best interest to tell him. You reach up and play with a hoodie string of his, listening to his soft breathing. You hesitate for a moment before your lips part. “It was a week after you left.” Simon’s heart skips a beat, which you hear—you vaguely find it amusing, but he’s silent to allow you to continue. One of his hands is on your back, his thumb moving back and forth. “I..” You swallow spit so you don’t croak, as you’re convinced you might sound pathetic. As if Simon would ever think of you that way. “I was walking home from the pub, y’know, the one only just a few blocks away? It was late at night, I think the police said it was around 2 am. I stayed until closing, I was with some of my friends, uh..” You trail off for a moment, trying to recall everything that happened. Your hand pauses, and Simon senses your state. He begins to rub your back full on, murmuring, “It’s alright. Go on, then.”

You let out a shaky breath before continuing. “I was absolutely wasted, and there was this guy—grabbed me and I tried to get out of his hold, but he ended up fucking stabbing me. Robbed me of my shit.” Your voice cracks and the silence is deafening. Simon feels his heart drop into his stomach. You got stabbed? “Fuckin’ hell.. Why didn’t you call me? Or at least let me know?” Simon’s voice treats carefully, knowing that you’re still freaking out by the way you’re incredibly tense against him. “I know how important your focus is when you’re gone,” You respond, your voice staying quiet as well. You don’t look at Simon’s face because you know that you’ll break once again. You pick at the fabric of his hoodie, seeking comfort in his warmth, despite how you usually aren’t like this with him. “I didn’t want to take your focus because I know you, Simon. You would’ve backed out of whatever you were trying to do to come and help me.” Simon presses his lips into a thin line, staying quiet because you both know that you’re correct. Simon would drop everything to come home to you, to help you. “The guy nicked my lung, was in the hospital for a while.” Simon’s hand stutters for a moment, the smooth pattern of his palm rubbing your back being interrupted from shock. “Jesus—“ Simon hisses, and he can’t help but tug you closer. “You should’ve told me anyway, lovie.”

You sniffle and you rub your face into his hoodie, a muffled noncommittal noise coming from the back of your throat. He doesn’t say anything further, nor do you. Simon lays there with you on top of him, one of his hands caressing your back, the other wrapped around your body, sometimes coming up to rub the back of your neck. You don’t mention the way he doesn’t seem to tell you to move, and he doesn’t mention how touchy you’re being. Simon doesn’t want this moment to end—one where you’re vulnerable and trusting with him, one where you’re alive and well. He can’t help but wonder if he ever made you feel like you couldn’t tell him something? Simon feels simmering, muffled anger in his stomach because you didn’t want to interrupt his work for being stabbed, nicking a vital organ no less—he makes a mental note to sit you down and make you promise to call him if an issue or an injury like that ever arises again. He closes his eyes for a moment, trying to push away what would happen if you didn’t do that—if that guy were to come back to try to finish the job and Simon wasn’t here, would you call him? Would you pick up your phone and dial his number? Would you text him? What if you got hurt again—would you call him?—Or would the hospital? He always imagined you’d be getting the call of his death, and not the other way around. Simon swears under his breath for a moment and opens his eyes; he doesn’t want to think about that anymore. He wants to stay in this moment with you—both himself and you alive. He glances down, your tear stained cheeks slowly drying, your eyelids closed. His fingers slide from the nape of your neck to the side, and he presses his fingers against your pulse.

Being here with you—he wants you to trust him, too; like he trusts you. That’s all he wants.

tag: @zzzennin

[signanothername]

How would your Nightmare react if Dream died (be it at Nightmare's hands or even his own or something like that)?

Glad you asked this question Anon cause it means i get to talk about the twins’ relationship >:)))))

I fully believe Nightmare’s perception of Dream changes constantly, his emotions about his brother are all over the place, sometimes one look at Dream sends him into full rage, other times he feels nothing at all, or he could feel strangely calm and even a tiny bit peaceful around him, but the only constant?? One look at Dream reminds him of his own pain

Nightmare fully believes he doesn’t care for Dream, hell, thinks he hates Dream right down to the core, which is only half true, but Nightmare’s too blinded by his own pain to truly realize that there’s a tiny part of him that still cares deeply (his corruption blinds him to that fact tho)

I mean, don’t get me wrong, Nightmare’s an absolute asshole towards Dream, he wouldn’t pat an eye if Dream got badly hurt and he wouldn’t hesitate to hurt Dream had he got the chance to do so, whether physically or emotionally, he’d emotionally and mentally manipulate him and would constantly torment him in any way he can

In fact, Nightmare aims to kill Dream permanently

Dream on the other hand, fully believes that despite Nightmare’s corruption, Nightmare himself isn’t inherently evil, he knows that his brother had been just as kind as he is, he fully believes his brother to be just as good hearted as he is, that it’s cause of the corruption that his twin is tormenting him and so many other people, and Dream tries to be patient and understanding (emphasis on “tries”)

Dream blames himself for Nightmare’s corruption and somehow believes that it’s his own fault that his brother got corrupted in the first place, (it absolutely isn’t his fault) an unhealthy mindset that Nightmare’s constant mental/emotional torture only serves to make it worse

So Dream takes it upon himself to make Nightmare’s pain his own responsibility and so he tries to save Nightmare from the corruption, somehow believing he can turn back the clock and get Nightmare back to who he used to be, he’s too blinded by his pain to truly realize that there’s no going back (at first at least)

However, once a broken hearted Dream fully accepts that Nightmare’s beyond saving, that this is who Nightmare is now, he finally puts his powers to full use, accepting that fact doesn’t make it any less painful for Dream to see his brother every time, nor does it change how much love Dream has for Nightmare

Dream will forever love Nightmare and no amount of death, torture, manipulation, or hurt from Nightmare would ever change that (even if it makes Dream wanna drop kick Nightmare sometimes)

Nightmare will forever hate Dream, and no amount of love, kindness, hope, or understanding from Dream would ever change that (even if it makes Nightmare’s caring part skip a beat sometimes)

The twins’ relationship isn’t at all healthy, both blinded by their own pain to truly understand that they’re both destroying themselves and each other

Nightmare, however, thinks that if he were to kill Dream, he’d finally find his long desired satisfaction, cause he somehow convinced himself that Dream’s at fault for his pain, that once Dream’s dead, he’d finally start healing (and ooooh boiii is he so so wrong)

Cause in truth? Dream was never the reason for Nightmare’s pain, if anything, Dream was the only good thing Nightmare had as a child, Dream was the only one who loved and cherished him for who he truly was, when everything and everyone were constantly hurting him, Dream’s existence is what made the pain bearable for Nightmare, cause all Nightmare’s good memories had Dream in them

Ok now to the main point, how would Nightmare actually react to Dream’s death?

The thing is, I fully believe Nightmare wouldn’t let anything or anyone other than him to kill Dream, he’d even go through great lengths to make sure Dream doesn’t die until he gets the chance to do it himself (not that Nightmare has to worry about that cause Dream’s more than capable to handle himself)

So once he gets that chance and succeeds? I’d say he’d feel extremely empty afterwards, Nightmare fully believed that once Dream’s dead he’d be the happiest there is in the entirety of the multiverse, but he isn’t, and it drives him crazy, cause wasn’t he supposed to feel satisfied??? is this not what he wanted?? (It was what he wanted, but it wasn’t what he needed)

If anything, he’d realize he fucked up, he’d realize how Dream was truly the only good thing to ever happen to him, he’d realize that until his final breath, Dream held nothing but love for him and he met that love with nothing but hate

And believe me when i say that Nightmare would never find his oh so desired satisfaction for as long as he lives afterwards (aka all eternity)

It only goes downhill from there

(Obligatory quick Nightmare sketch)

[tarotwithavi]

Letter from your soulmate

How to choose a pile?

Take a deep breath and gently close your eyes. Politely request your spirit guides to reveal the appropriate pile meant for you, then open your eyes. Whichever pile captures your attention is the one meant for you.

Masterlist

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Pile 1

My lovely apple pie,

As I sit here, pen in hand, my heart overflows with emotions for you. I want you to know that I understand how incredibly challenging and exhausting life has been for you lately. I can feel your pain, and it pains me deeply too. I yearn to be there for you, to hold you close, and to be your source of strength and comfort. Every tear you shed echoes in my soul, and I wish I could wipe them away. The distance between us feels like an insurmountable obstacle, but please believe me when I say that I would cross oceans and traverse mountains just to be by your side. However, I also realize that now might not be the ideal time for us to fully come together. We both need to heal, to mend the wounds of the past, so that we can create a love that is pure, unburdened by old hurts.

Always remember that even though we might not physically be together, I am there with you in the depths of my heart, forever connected in the 5D. In moments of doubt or despair, recall the strength of our love and how much you mean to me. You are more precious to me than words can ever express. I confess that my love for you is so profound, it sometimes scares me. My protective instincts arise because I cannot bear the thought of anything or anyone causing you harm. And yet, I know I must let you be, let you experience life's journey and growth, but please know that my love is unwavering.

As time passes, and we heal, I hope we can build something magical together, something that surpasses all expectations of love and happiness. Until then, I'll be waiting, cherishing every moment we've shared, and dreaming of our beautiful future together.

With all my love and devotion,

Pile 2

My Dearest creampie ,

I hope this letter finds you well, though my heart feels heavy knowing that you're not taking proper care of yourself. Witnessing you neglect your own well-being pains me deeply, and I can't bear to see you hurting, physically or emotionally. Please know that I'm here for you, always ready to lend a listening ear or a comforting embrace. I understand that you might be going through a tough time, and your anger is justified. However, I plead with you not to direct that anger towards your own body. It's a vessel that carries your beautiful soul and deserves to be treated with love and care. Take a moment to breathe, to pause, and let the anger subside. Embrace the world's beauty, for there's so much joy and wonder waiting for you.

Just today, I took a leisurely walk and stumbled upon the most enchanting garden. Butterflies danced around, birds sang sweet melodies, and the fragrance of blooming flowers filled the air, blessing the entire place with serenity. In that moment, my heart longed for you to be there by my side, your gentle touch as I lay my head on your lap, listening to you speak passionately about the things you love. You are the light in my life, and I cherish every moment we share. I love you with all my heart, and my affection for you grows with each passing day. You deserve all the love, happiness, and beauty that this world has to offer. And one day, I promise to show you just how much I love and adore you in every way possible.

Please take care of yourself, my love, for your well-being means everything to me. I'll be here, holding you close in my thoughts, sending you all the love and support you need. Remember that you're never alone in this journey, and I'll always be here, ready to walk beside you, hand in hand.

With all my love and devotion,

Pile 3

My dear pumpkin pie

I hope this letter finds you well and fills your heart with warmth. The wait has been long, but I promise it was worth it. You are the missing piece in my life, and I can't wait to finally hold you in my arms. Your patience and dedication have touched me deeply. You've shown me what true love is, and I promise to cherish and protect our bond with all my heart. From the moment we meet, my devotion to you will be unwavering, and my love for you will only grow stronger with each passing day. As I think of our future together, I can't help but smile at the countless adventures we'll embark on. With you by my side, life will be an exciting journey filled with joy, laughter, and love.

In your presence, time seems to slow down, and every moment becomes magical. Your smile brightens even the darkest days, and your laughter is music to my soul. You are the light that guides me through life's ups and downs, and I promise to be your constant support in return. Know that I am here for you, no matter what life throws our way. Together, we can overcome any challenge and savor every beautiful moment that life has in store for us. I can't wait to see the world through your eyes and share my dreams with you. Your dreams are my dreams, and I promise to do everything I can to help them come true. With each beat of my heart, I am reminded of the love I hold for you. It's a love that knows no bounds and only grows stronger with time. You are my everything, and I am forever grateful to have you in my life.

Until we meet, my love, know that you are always in my thoughts and prayers. I eagerly await the day when our souls will finally unite, and we'll begin our beautiful journey together.

Yours forever,

[gay-dorito-dust]

Hii!!! I love your work so much!!! I was wondering if you could do a hurt/comfort with Miguel O’hara where him and the reader get into an argument over something (you can choose what) and maybe where he has to apologize to the reader. I Love angst that ends in fluff!!! ❤️❤️❤️

You and Miguel fought like every other couple but the most recent fight has to be one of the worst in your relationship. You understood that Miguel was a born natural protector, especially when it comes down to the people that he loves, so much to the point that he’s hightailing anyone who threatens to tear apart the relationships he treasured on all fours with a crazed look in his scarlet eyes.

You could never fault him for being that way with everything he’s ever been through but it does however become somewhat difficult to excuse when he’s practically breathing down your neck 24/7, partnering up with you on missions that he knows you can do on your own but felt that you might need the back up, or how his emotions seemed to change as though he was having a hard time deciding whether or not to act as your boyfriend or the leader of the Spider-Society.

You loved Miguel, deeply and truly but you couldn’t help to think that sometimes he felt more so your boss then he did your boyfriend but you just didn’t know how to bring that up with him; fortunately for you, the situation did arise but unfortunately it came from an argument relating to your most recent mission. ‘I had it handled Miguel and then you had to go and take my anomaly, my capture, you had to completely take over my mission that was assigned to me and me alone to pursue!’ You ranted as you got back home, peeved off by the fact that once again your solo mission became and impromptu duo mission, because of Miguel’s incompetence in seeing that you were more then well trained within your field of expertise.

‘I was just trying to-‘ Miguel started

‘Protect me, I know.’ You interrupted bitterly. ‘I’m thankful for that but it happens so frequently that I’m starting to think that you don’t have any semblance of trust in me nor my abilities in getting the job done.’ You added on as you continued to say everything you’ve been meaning to say for a long while, saying the things that have been long overdue, and how much it hurt to keep silent about something for so long that it starts to feel as though it’s not only effecting you mentally but physically and emotionally also. Miguel didn’t know that this was how you truly felt and felt down -more so with himself then with you- with that he wasn’t able to see how his overbearing and protective nature had made dwindled down your self confidence until it became self doubt.

‘Why didn’t you tell me?’ Miguel asked, voice soft and vulnerable, ‘we promised to tell each other when either of us get like this, not drown ourselves in it.’ You inhaled unevenly as tears brims your eyes as you began to tug at your clothing out of anxious habit, ‘I just didn’t want to my fears to be proven right, I didn’t want to be viewed as a burden by the person I love most.’ You croaked as the first completes of tears began to rain down your cheeks. ‘Y/n.’ Miguel began as he slowly made his way to your side, his hands already reaching out to cradle your body against his chest, tucking your head protectively under his chin as his muscular build acted as to shield you from the lives you both lived outside.

‘There’s no one I trust more then you, I’m sorry I’ve made you feel that way and this is now way shape or form an attempt in justifying my actions but whenever I see you go out there and do what you do, I become terrified.’ He confesses and you peak your head out from under his chin so you could see his tired but adoring eyes look back at you; Miguel’s eyes were your favourite feature of his because of how expressive they are that even he could express his innermost feelings without the need to verbalise it. And in that moment you could see a multitude of emotions fighting inside him, guilt for not being able to see your struggles sooner, anger at himself for not being there when you so desperately needed his comfort, and regret for the times where he implanted doubt within your mind.

‘What do you mean by that?’ You asked, cupping his face within your hands and watching as Miguel practically fell apart in your touch as he pressed more of his face into your palms, his eyes never once leaving yours whilst doing so. ‘I love everything once because I wasn’t ready,’ he says, ‘and I’m not prepared for loosing everything again because I’ve became hyperaware that even the smallest of shifts have greater impacts down the line, think of it as a kind of butterfly or domino effect- but that isn’t what I’m trying to say.’ Miguel cuts himself off when he notes that he was on the verge of rambling and composed himself before getting back to the point. ‘What I’m trying to say is that, you’re amazing at what you do and you shouldn’t allow anyone to make you think otherwise, not even me. You amaze me each and every time but deep down I worry that one day I’ll end up repeating my past and loose you in the process and if I loose you…I don’t know how I could cope and instead of being upfront about it with you, I decided to double down on my fear and became overbearing and overprotective of you.’

Miguel didn’t realise that he had been crying until he felt your thumbs come up to wipe them from under his eyes nor did he notice how blurred his vision became with unshed tears until he clocked the fact that he could barely make out what was in front of him. He never allowed himself to become vulnerable but with you it was an entirely different story for he knew you wouldn’t think differently of him for being open about the anguish he held closely to his heart despite how unhealthy it was to his health. ‘Oh Miguel,’ you cooed, wiping away another tear from his beautifully sculptured face; This Greek god of a man was reduced to nothing but a fallen angel weeping over the loss of his wings and all you could do was cry with him in solidarity.

you were both hurting but by doing so you were also healing together by opening up to one another about things you originally thought you’d never discuss. ‘You aren’t to blame for what happened, you did all you could, you’re a hero.’ Miguel whimpered as he held onto you tighter, burrowing his face against your neck, where it became wet with his tears smearing across the skin there. ‘I don’t blame you for wanting to look out for me either for I know now that you weren’t intentionally trying to make me feel less than. I can’t make your fear go away but I can certainly try and make you believe that I’m not going anywhere, not with you.’ You whispered your promises into his ear as you held him against you, it was your turn to protect Miguel and you’d be sure to kiss his every scar that marked his skin and soul if it was the last thing you did.

[ladykakata]

i love your shameless thoughts so much! i think a lot of shameless fans do a lot of projecting when it comes to mickey and seem to think he’s ian’s doormat when he clearly isn’t, he just a well informed partner who understands and accepts how his bf/husband’s mental illness unavoidably affects his behavior sometimes. it’s just like how ian can see that, what might look like a tantrum to most, is mickey being overwhelmed and unable to process certain things and lashing out in the process. getting hurt by each other is sometimes inevitable, but for the most part throughout the series they don’t fully take it to heart because they’re accepting of one another. its sad that some fans will ignore the complexity of that in favour of villainising/victimising and defaulting to ableism.

PRECISELY. You've hit the bullseye there; Mickey comes to learn that certain actions might be Ian's brain lashing out, but Ian does precisely the same with Mickey. Mickey is pretty notoriously (and hilariously, let's be honest) short-tempered and hyper-defensive, to the point where pretty much anything will result in a machine-gun torrent of abuse aimed at someone. There's a known tell with him rubbing his eyebrow if he's SEVERELY tested and ready to lash out physically, and that's true as well.

A good example of this is when Ian was mystified by Mickey's behaviour with regards to the West Side. Mickey is clearly struggling, again he verbally lashes out and he did the same at the party when asked what his drink of choice was. Ian in that scene just smiles and shakes his head, knowing Mickey is rough around the edges and awkward, but he certainly doesn't upbraid him for his lack of etiquette. Trying to get Mickey to admit to anything emotional is difficult, and Ian knows he has to carefully tease that information out without setting Mickey off on a rant or him shutting down (the latter more likely). He did so beautifully when trying to figure out why Mickey didn't want the nice apartment on the West side, and Mickey finally admitted that it makes him deeply uncomfortable. Having gotten the answer, Ian accepts that, and de-escalates the situation by calmly agreeing, despite Mickey being suspicious about him not arguing. Eventually, after some back and forth, Mickey agrees to move and Ian lets him have his caveats, ending the exchange by reaffirming that Ian loves Mickey's rough side ("You're such a fucking barbarian" "Thank you <3"). Mickey is so socially awkward for someone full of bluff and bluster and I REALLY want to cover that in a post.

I'm on anti-depressants, and a side effect of making my emotions even and focusing my brain without it having a meltdown every two minutes with emotions, it also makes you a little emotionally numb. It can make you look very calm and collected, which is also a bonus in certain circumstances, but also can come across as cold or uncaring in the wrong circumstances. When Mickey was trying to process his father's death, Ian was borderline confused about his upset, which again can come across as very cold, but being someone under the influence of anti-depressants, I do wonder if the writers were taking that into consideration, as well as Ian's deep loathing for Terry and not quite getting how upset Mickey would be over the death. I think he eventually will realise it's not so much the fact he's died, it's the lost potential for them to reconcile and be a proper father-and-son. Mickey had a glimpse of it, and it's heartbreaking to see.

In my opinion, the deleted scene where Mickey questions Ian's mood and expresses concern should have been kept in. Ian has done it for Mickey, and it's so soft and gentle the way he probes into how Ian is feeling without, again, making Ian shut down or push him away. Plus, it had Mickey referring to Ian out loud as his husband, and we all need more of that <3

[hazbinned]

Kinda random, but ... I came up with a Trolley Problem scenario for Valentino, and since you're my favourite Val writer (especially when you're interacting with angie-long-legs), I'd be interested to hear your thoughts.

Basically, a runaway train is barrelling towards Vox, who's tied to the tracks. The front of the train is covered in angelic steel spikes, so if the train hits Vox, it will kill him.

Val is next to a lever. He can save Vox by pulling the lever, which will direct the train onto another track.

However, if he does that, the train will hit and kill Angel Dust, who's tied to the other track.

What do you think Val would do? Would he pull the lever and kill Angel, or would he not pull the lever and let Vox die?

Val was offended, and the look on his face as he peered over his shoulder could not have made that more glaring.

"How is that even a question? I would save Vox."

~

FIRST— THANK YOU VERY MUCH! There are so many excellent Vals in this community, so the fact that I am someone's favorite totally makes my day! I always feel flattered when you like our posts.

Second— this is actually kind of funny, because @angie-long-legs and I were joking that (my) Charlie would make a funny video like this about the Trolley Problem to show to the sinners in one of her redemption lessons, where she would be all the actors and all the sinners would find it so stupid hahaha.

THIRD— A giant meta on my Val and Vox, and Val's attitude toward Angel. Content warning for talk of toxic relationships and explaining things from Val's point of view (not justifying anything from an OOC perspective, but getting into Val's head and sharing how he sees things, and his intentions behind his actions.)

Valentino's relationship with Vox is an interesting one. The two of them have been in each others' lives for at least forty years, and have been living together for at least thirty, having a complicated on/off relationship all the while. Valentino is a terrible person by every stretch of the imagination, but has his soft spots when it comes to certain people (like Vox, Velvette, and, sometimes, Angel). He is cunning but incredibly emotionally immature, as he has never faced lasting consequences to his actions, resulting in this deeply-ingrained worldview of "my point of view is the only correct one, if anyone does anything I dislike, they are wrong, I am in the right. I deserve to do whatever I want because by not doing what I want them to, THEY are hurting ME." He struggles to see others' perspectives unless he can project HIMSELF into the situation, and often refuses to do that— the reason I'm saying this is because, while Valentino has chosen Angel over Vox before, and has hurt both Angel and Vox in various ways, Valentino does NOT love Angel, but he DOES love Vox.

This is the problem. There's that saying, "we always hurt the ones we love": Valentino is so used to Vox that he thinks he can get away with anything. On the surface, he is bored of Vox; Vox is older (fifties), and is not as good in bed as Angel. Vox is more closed-off, he has more boundaries (which Val actually respects, because he cares about him), and he doesn't always want to be going out and partying. Physically, too, Val is more attracted to Angel than he is to Vox. This 'boredom' comes out in Val's attempts to 'make Vox jealous' by bringing Angel (and other sinners) home with him (aka cheating-- Vox is fine with him sleeping around *outside* of the Penthouse, but not at home), by being dismissive of Vox, by not taking into consideration how upset this makes Vox (aside from being amused by it and thinking it's working)— this is all extremely toxic, inexcusable behavior on Val's part, but from his perspective, he is not doing it to hurt Vox. He doesn't know how much of a big deal it is to Vox; what is to Valentino just Vox expressing a funny/cute expression of jealousy is, on Vox's end, the extremely frustrating and distressing feeling of being cast aside once again. Val knows what Vox means to him, and that he'd never replace Vox, so it isn't a big deal for him. He knows from their history that Vox wouldn't permanently leave, so he isn't scared of losing him. Vox doesn't know that Val feels that way about him, so he's constantly battling the insecurity of wondering if he is just another game to Valentino.

When Valentino attacks Angel, he is intentionally trying to instill fear in him and break him down. Often, it's premeditated. He enjoys seeing Angel get hurt; he gets a power trip out of it. On the rare occasion that Valentino gets physical with Vox, it is an unplanned, spur-of-the-moment emotional outburst, usually when the two of them are having a disagreement. He becomes consumed by his emotions and allows them to get the better of him. This is not an excuse, it is just a reason-- Valentino does not enjoy hurting Vox and does not go out of his way to do so. Once he gets off his high horse and realizes what he's done (usually after a few days of Vox ignoring him) he comes back around with gifts and acts of kindness and occasionally a poorly-executed (and still often self-victimizing) "sorry." The difference here compared to when he love-bombs Angel is that with Angel, it's a manipulation tactic to win him back over. With Vox, he's feeling genuine guilt and has trouble addressing it in a mature manner, so he just goes with the gifts and hopes for the best.

Another issue is that there is some cognitive dissonance in how Val views Vox— Vox's head is a TV and can be repaired quickly and effectively, leaving no evidence that he was ever injured to begin with. There is a part of Val that doesn't realize the severity of hitting Vox. He thinks, "oh, it's just his screen! It's not a big deal. He can fix it!", even though it is a big deal. It still hurts. The only difference between Vox's screen getting broken and someone else getting a black eye is that the repairs act as a magic 'undo' button of sorts.

Val usually storms off right after this happens and then assumes things are back to normal and will be annoyed if Vox has not gotten over it because it "come on, Vox, it happened thirty minutes ago!" — he does not understand what a big deal it actually is to Vox, as Vox has this obsession with seeming strong and unbothered and always makes sure to remove himself from where he can be seen (and if he cries, he cries in private.) He's always telling Val "I'm fine, it's not a big deal" and has even lied about not being able to feel in his screen. Vox is deeply and obsessively in love with Val, and these incidents don't happen often enough for him to feel constantly on edge or threatened (in fact, they are so rare that he gets rattled when they DO happen), which is why he stays. If this was the norm, he would have left a long time ago. Vox would not put up with frequent abuse. My Vox also had a wife, Margaret, back in the fifties, where the roles were pretty much reversed, minus any actual love between them. Vox just kind of thinks 'this is how couples are' and puts up with it. It is not Vox's fault that any of this is happening, but Valentino IS ignorant to the extent of the pain he is causing. If he saw Vox crying or was otherwise faced with the knowledge of the true effect of his actions on Vox, he would feel horrible. His reaction would probably still be self-victimizing ("I'm sorry! Why didn't you let me know?!") because that is Val's natural response to having his defenses up, but, this aside, he does love Vox and wants to see him thrive.

When it comes to Angel, Valentino only loves Angel for his body and what he can 'use' Angel for. He loves OWNING Angel, whereas he loves Vox as a person, views him as an equal, and likes him for non-superficial reasons. There is definite toxicity within his relationship with Vox, and most of it is caused by Val (although Vox is no saint and has absolutely been the one to start things too), but Valentino would put in genuine effort to make the relationship healthy if his actions were brought to light. He WANTS his relationship with Vox to be healthy, and currently thinks it is. (Val, like Angel, has no idea what a healthy relationship looks like, but that is a whole OTHER thing.) 'Ignorance is bliss,' and he's ignorant right now. When he stops being ignorant, he's going to make a mad scramble to fix all that he's done and make it up to Vox, even if he still stumbles sometimes. There is no fixing what he has with Angel, but he's one wake-up call away from fixing what he has with Vox.

That gets into Val's relationship with Angel: Val does not love him, as stated earlier, but he is attached. He and Angel have this sickly attachment to each other, Angel literally being addicted, but also having been manipulated into thinking Val loved him at one point, while Val bounces between hating Angel, being neutral about him, and somewhat seeing him as a friend and being affectionate toward him. If he pushes the line too far, he has rare moments where he projects his younger self onto Angel and feels bad-- not necessarily because he's hurting Angel, but because he remembers how he felt when that was him. And as soon as the feeling wears off, he goes back to his old ways.

Val and Vox are primarily healthy with a track record of occasional relationship-ruining incidents sprinkled throughout, while Val and Angel are primarily unhealthy with some occasional good moments thrown in here and there. Val is not ignorant to how he makes Angel feel, and would (unless under extreme duress) not work to improve it, even though he thinks Angel is more 'fun' than Vox when it comes to certain things.

This being said, if there was some kind of loophole to the trolley problem, he would find it and save them both. Most likely, he would just derail the trolley, because he doesn't care about anyone in there and if they died it wouldn't be permanent, since the angelic steel is only on the outside. Even if it WOULD be permanent, he wouldn't care unless Velvette was in there. But in a case of pure black and white, save one or the other? He'd save Vox, without hesitation.

{ divider credit. }

[hitawall]

I made a list.

I made a list of the ways I loved you

That’s what the therapist said to do

And all of them were nothing but

Broken promises and half-truths

Battles won from my fits of madness

Begging you to love me back

I made another list when I gave up

Of all the ways I loved my best friend

And I had no problem hitting ten

I finally realized I wanted him

That’s when my life started to end

Way back then…

I made that list before he left

I couldn’t stop him leaving

I knew the depth of my love as I wept

All these months, I’ve been grieving

I revisited the list again, today

Half a year has slipped away

I’ve had to relearn how to pray

Someday, things might go my way

You

1. He misses me every day, and he wants me around more than anyone else.

2. He will try new things with me when I really want him to.

3. He’ll always help when I ask.

4. He loves animals, and he is very kind and gentle with them.

5. He is strong enough to stand up to his family, even after all he’s been through.

6. He is really great with kids, and I love watching him play with our nieces and nephews.

7. He lets me be Passenger Princess most of the time.

8. He always has wonderful movie suggestions. His suggestions have gotten me into film.

9. He tries to be louder with his compliments than my insecurities are in my head. He compliments me all the time.

10. He never judges me. He does truly love me as I am.

Him

1. He cares deeply for his friends - Often more than they deserve, me included.

2. His shoulders, oh my God. And those strong hands.

3. The way he looks at me like he sees right through every wall I keep up. And those eyes.

4. Impeccable sense of humor. I’m never bored talking to him.

5. Leadership abilities. He’ll give me short and sweet instructions to fix it when he knows I’m too low to think.

6. He’ll keep what he really wants to say quiet if he thinks it will hurt me. He doesn’t hurt me on purpose ever. He just wants me to be happy. Sometimes, I want more of his words, though.

7. He sees me as an equal, and doesn’t ever look down on me, even in areas that I really need to improve.

8. He can tell me I’m out of line and still be kind about it.

9. He is so so smart. Certainly one of the smartest people I know.

10. He challenges me to be better. Physically, mentally, emotionally - all of it. But I never feel overwhelmed by his challenges. He makes me feel capable.

11. He always knows what I mean. I don’t feel like I’m weird around him. He never makes me feel self conscious or misunderstood.

Update: His 6-11 fell apart once he found me “aggravating.” In his own words, he was only interested in the sex with me; he tolerated the rest. All of his interactions were in the interest of physical gratification. I guess love really is blind.

[algolagniaa]

some thoughts:

people talk about masochism like a way to punish yourself or work out subconscious self hatred but that isn’t what it is for me. for me it’s more about pain and intensity meaning I am alive. love is nothing without pain. you cannot have the fullest expression of the human experience without pain. to be alive and real and human is to feel things, both physically and emotionally.

I have always craved intensity and emotional highs and lows but at the same time distrusted it. a lot of my life (despite what it’s looked like on the outside) has been flat and blank, so much so that I might not have lived it. now it’s anything but. I was so jealous of everyone who could actually live when I wasn’t because I wanted to feel things too, but I also held myself back from doing so. I didn’t even realize I was doing this, but I did it because I didn’t trust my own emotions. I detached from them so I could keep control of the situation. I don’t even want control of the situation usually!! but not having it is scary

this actually WAS unconscious self hatred because if I didn’t care nothing could hurt me. if I never fell in love I never had to be vulnerable. if I never gave a fuck about my job I wouldn’t be upset when I got fired. if I kept everyone at arms length I wouldn’t have to ever feel rejection, and if I viewed people primarily through a lens of what I could get from them I wouldn’t have to face the fact that really I deeply deeply wanted them to like me. somehow I could never fathom the idea that I might just be good enough and find a place somewhere in the world. the area of my life I’ve been most able to let myself shine (petty crime) is something that specifically involves working against other people instead of with them, because if I can win against them I don’t have to feel inferior to them.

every decision in life for everyone is made out of love or fear or sometimes a combination of both. I never thought of myself as a fearful person but I really was, just detached from it. and now I am choosing love for the first time ever and so I am afraid all the time. what if I lose control?? what if everything I love so much gets taken away from me? what if too much of Me leaks out and everyone realizes they don’t want me around anymore and I lose everything again and I end up dying alone in the dark? i am talking about many different areas of my life not just my relationship but that one is particularly absurd to me bc I Want to hand over control in that relationship, yet I’m afraid of losing control of the ways that I give up control.

but I want to be afraid. I want to live deliciously. I want to be Hazel the person not Hazel the character played by changeling void psycho. whatever emotions I am dealing with now they are a hundred thousand times better than the grey flat void I lived in before. it’s the rush I get from jumping off a cliff into deep water or from zip lining or the biggest drop in a roller coaster only now I can get that just from living. and everything is so big and beautiful and I love being alive

[anzuhan]

hii!! i just wanted to give a bit of my opinion on tatsumi from someone who doesnt like him nearly as much as other characters so a more casual perspective i guess ^^ his design is very nice and pretty he gets a lot of nice cards which was my first introduction to him. initially i wasnt very interested since at the start his character was mostly just about religion and i'm not a big fan of christianity but he's more than that now!! he can be really funny sometimes, like his love for driving paired with crazy driving skills, and he has a lot of depth with his past and current issues and relationships to those around him. he's deeply flawed but doesn't seem to fully realize it, believing to be doing good even at the cost of himself. he's really similar to eichi since theyre parallels!! from what i've seen from others with more knowledge on the subject he's well handled disabled rep as well, his injury is taken seriously and consistently deeply relevant to him physically and emotionally which is really nice to see in media!! his actions in obbligato make sense to dislike but i think that's the intention, again similar to eichi during the war and a lot of eccentrics fans disliking him there but both of them believed their bad actions would have a good outcome and were willing to do anything to help others even if a bit misguided. i think their similarities are really interesting especially with the different ways they turned out as people after those actions!! i'm also more interested in his relationship with religion after obbligato where they went a little more into the specific kind of christianity he learned from his family thats actually a religious minority in japan, and the way its hard to tell how much he truly believes in what he says or just believes he Should because of how he was raised, its a much more complicated relationship with religion than say a character whos just a devout christian in america! esp since he's not actually the kind of pushy religious stereotype people think he is from first glance, he brings up god a decent amount but isnt really trying to recruit anyone or force them into his beliefs, its just something he brings up for himself usually, similar to other characters with religious beliefs like keitos buddhism he's not one of my favs, probably not even in my top 30 characters but as someone whos also sort of an everyonep and does love every character even if not equally, i think hes neat! he acts like a mature adult but really he's barely out of high school and went through so much in his life to not really get to be a kid, his entire teenage years were fucked up so he's still recovering from that damage and having to unlearn a lot of mentalities that hurt himself and others, he's got a long way to go but i like seeing that journey and development in characters personally!! i'm sure tatsumip can put it better and have more detailed knowledge of him, i just thought it might also help to hear from a fellow everyonep who isnt the biggest fan of tatsumi but likes him an okay amount ^^

adding the other two asks below as well v

first of all thanks to all 3 of you for taking the time to write these out and send them 🙏 theyre all very long and contain a lot of info. anzu will try to go over all of them in the answer now 👍

- for the part of the design, dude no kidding. when anzu first got into enstars anzu did actually like him too for like. 2 days 😭 and it was also because of the design cause you know ... first thing you see when you come here are all sorts of cool designs ! anzu joined enst community around the time global released, so it was past initial obbligato release in jp ; when anzu saw his obbligato card as well w the longer hair (w no context🐟) anzu was sooo whipped. his design is nice but to add onto this anzu does really think all enstars designs are very well done, for all characters ! we already have the design notes in the artbooks and how much attention there is to the littlest of details on all of them, so no wonder. of course, kazehaya is no exception to this as well, the hair and eye shades go well together, his droopy eyes fit in with making him look kind, his 5* outfit designs are also all very fitting 👍 nothing much bad to say about this part really. anzu also didnt draw him too much but he was fun to draw and his colors are nice to work with as well (adding more onto this from the fact that anzu drew christo from disgaea 5 a lot that has extremely similar color palette and looks to him 😭)

- at the similarities with tenshi. okay this mightve been old news to the fandom but this is new to anzu, but it may be just because anzu always related tenshi and ibara more as parallels ? for their pasts though it does make sense ! anzu may have just focused too much on the present on drawing those parallels though. also funny both tenshi and kazehaya are in the tea club (this is a cry for help also. anzu misses ! era tea party club so much)

- for the part in obbligato. clearly anzu forgot to mention anzu's real problem with this 💥 anzu doesnt really care that much about his cult leading era because sure it is a cool topic to look back on, even moreso anzu loves the whole deal with kanata's ex god activities and thinking up a what if he was still in that position now <- from both a horror aspect and not ; so with kazehaya it wouldnt be much different, just that as one of you have said he just didnt realize the damage he was causing despite having the best of intentions. anzu's real problem with that deal is how kaname's ended up the way he did from all this, in a way of 'oh if stupid kazehaya werent there, he'd be fine now' or along those lines. anzu is simply being a little hater from this.. much like himeru ✊️ kaname simply just means. a lot to anzu so mayhaps it just highly weights in on the hate 😔

- for the religious stuff. yeah this is also the only other part that actually bothered anzu, but guess it is not as common in the latter stories ? anzu did not go out of anzus way to read a ton of kazehaya stories to know, its true, but for the main story & initial idol stories (i.e aira idol story 2) kazehaya uses terms like 'lost lamb' and its a bit. eeeeeh. its true though that from what anzu remembers from the recent matrix story he didnt really mention anything of the sorts . but that story is also A WHOLE bomb and a half dropped on us and kazehaya just so happened to exist in it compared to. anything else that went down in it anzu may have even just forgot any involvement he had in it at all. just that he didnt do anything bad for anzu to recall 😭👍

- for the disability rep anzu actually has a lot to add on this one because it is really nice But it also gives anzu another reason to bitch about /j this whole entire part will be a bit more of a joke than anything. well for the conclusion, but anzu did suffer a similar enough injury when anzu was younger as well, and anzu also leans in on the exact same way as him 😭 which. truthfully speaking, it is super nice they included that in his stance ! anzu did see that post by enst refs page as well and was happy to see it. jokingly though. he stole anzu's shebang 👎 boo 😔😔 cant even stand weird in ensemble star without local priest copyright infringing it 😔😔😔😔

okay to add a bit more to it, it was nice how they mentioned stuff ab his rehab in it along with the hospital visits and stuff. reminds anzu that anzu also had to keep going back to learn how to walk again 😭 but not in a bad way just wow they sure did they research ... and a normal person would probably be like 'he jus like me fr' but anzu is anzu so anzu will find a reason to hate him due to this too /j

anzu will try to read more stories that focus on him as well, though anzu also didnt really outright avoid stories where he's included (i.e read princess kaguya & the new global limited one from the link click collab in full recently (due to the event)). its true that all and all hes not that terrible But anzu just likes being a little hater over petty reasons related to kaname. like himeru 👊 enemy of anzus enemy is anzus husband or whatever they say. /j anzu's sis also luvs kazehaya a lot and hes like one of her topmost favs soooo its okay. anzu can never really fully hate him 😔 for her . thanks to all you 3 for sending these in again though !

[mermaidsirennikita]

have you ever made a rec list of books w good groveling scenes? If not, I’d love if you would share your favs with us

I haven't made a list, nope! I've mentioned some before, but my favorites are always shifting (aside from some holy faves). I'll break 'em up by genre, I lOVE a good grovel.

These are not all of them (I can think of... several other MacLean grovels I love, for example, but she's just really good at a grovel). But they're some!

Contemporary

Kiss An Angel by Susan Elizabeth Phillips. Excellent grovel, which is truly made by the fact that the hero is such an asshole to her. One thing I really love about SEP is that her heroines will just like. Vanish off the face of the earth lmao. And the heroes will be like D: WHERE IS SHE???? But yeah, this grovel is less "sobbing at her feet" and more "this man is debasing himself and betraying everything he said he stood for in order to get her back" which... is deeply compelling.

Act Your Age by Eve Dangerfield. Another one where he certainly needed to do it! I don't really see groveling as a paint by numbers one size fits all thing; to me it's about the hero doing something that is hard FOR HIM in a way the heroine recognizes and understands is specifically sacrificial for him. And I think this hero does that. Also, another situation where she just vanishes and he has to deal with his character flaws.

The Master by Kresley Cole. I LOOOVED this grovel. Again, vanishing! I just loved this one because he was so pathetic. This man is like a billionaire mafioso and he's like texting this broad all "idk what you're doing but I hope it's going well :(" lmao I cackled.

Give Me More by Sara Cate. A MMF grovel, so he has to grovel to both of them. And he does! He really has to do the work on himself in order to be worthy of his wife and his boyfriend. It's so good.

Mafia Target by Mila Finelli. LOL MAN. This is an m/m mafia romance, and it's very literally between a mafia boss's son and the guy sent in to assassinate him. They both know. They catch feelings. Then there's a HUGE reveal. And I just loved that this grovel a) doesn't work at first and b) does work in such a quiet, emotionally vulnerable way. Ugh. I love this book. Also...

Mafia Madman by Mila Finelli. This is one where it's so over the top and great, but it also subverts what you think is happening in the moment. And what makes it even more touching to me is that she does not require these physical or monetary gestures he could rather easily make; she requires him to really emotionally collapse for her.

Historical

Something Spectacular by Alexis Hall. This is not a huge grovel because the person groveling did something hurtful but deeply understandable. But this one was so evocative to me. I mean, again, it all depends on the moment right? So sometimes, I do love a hit your knees crying grovel. And this is a good one.

When the Earl Met His Match by Stacy Reid. Another hit the knees moment. This one is rather beautiful and evocative. The hero is also mute, so he actually signs his speech to her. It's really wrenching and emotionally honest and dramatic, and I just adore it.

Untamed by Elizabeth Lowell. A huge elaborate sort of grovel in the way only a medieval romance can do it. I mean, she doesn't even get to hear his totally deranged spiel after she's kidnapped--but suffice to say, the heroine believes the hero doesn't love her and won't come for her, and he's like "IF SHE IS NOT RETURNED TO ME ALIVE AND LAUGHING I WILL BURN THE WORLD DOWN" it's so great. He's such an asshole. He really has to collapse.

Lady Isabella's Scandalous Marriage by Jennifer Ashley. I really love a marriage in trouble book, and this is a marriage in trouble book that's basically the hero realizing at the very beginning "oh, I need her back" and like, proving himself to her and making up for his bullshit that ruined the marriage. He spoils her to. In every way.

The Day of the Duchess by Sarah MacLean. Another book-long grovel, but the rare grovel where he's actually groveling for cheating on her. These two went through SO much pain. It was so bad. And he has to really spend the entire book trying to show her that he loves her and has changed. It's so great.

The Bride Goes Rogue by Joanna Shupe. AMAZING grovel. Like, I always refer to this one as the one where he leaves treats on her doorstep (like, a 5 star meal, I think he whittles her something at one point lmao) and then attempts this big "WHAT ELSE IS THERE???" moment because like... a grovel is not LEARNING which is always a great realization moment. And when she rejects him in full. My God. It's so good. Him just falling apart. I wanna eat it up. Nom nom nom, I am a dog and I am happily rolling around in mud right now.

The Hawk by Monica McCarty. This is one where he kind of has to make a grand gesture, and it's kind of insane, but it's also great. And I deeply appreciate that, lol. Like, he really didn't have to go that big with the gesture (or DID he). (He did.)

Paranormal

Lothaire by Kresley Cole. LMAO. AND DOES HE EVER HAVE TO. Lothaire has to realize that he is nothing without her (sadly smelling her lingerie for comfort, unable to even kiss another woman when he tries to force himself to do it) and he has to face his greatest fear in a grand gesture, and he has to give her this entire pathetic love confession (and he's losing his shit so he says it in Russian and she doesn't understand but it's so gorgeous anyway).

[picathartidae]

random OC ask: how does your OC express affection? how does it vary based on the relationship in question?

Alassane is not an affectionate person by nature, and has used physical intimacy as an intimidation tactic more than anything. Even after he’s had his character development and isn’t being an omnicidal maniac, he finds it kind of difficult to be genuine and can get super awkward when he tries. He’s relatively unsure of himself and keenly aware of his own potentially violent sanity slippage, so doesn’t want to get anyone else involved. Those walls get thrown up at a moment’s notice and are not the easiest to break down. 

There’s also the fact that the ways he shows affection are also the same things he does when trying to manipulate people, just with different intentions. It’s what comes naturally to him and I don’t think he knows how else to act. 

He’s pretty tactile with his closest, most emotionally intimate relationships (basically, the people he’s ride-or-die for); which is really just Karlach and Astarion. Though he tends to approach people more on their terms.

For example, he leans against Karlach and rests his head on her shoulder and presses himself against her and is generally very heavy on the physical contact, but that’s more because he knows she’s touch-starved and finds more comfort in that. With Astarion, it’s much gentler. He’s very slow and deliberate with how they interact; because it’s more about consent and allowing Astarion to set boundaries as he needs them. Things like caressing him with his tail and holding hands and playing with his hair and just sleeping next to him. Lots of non-sexual closeness.

If it’s someone he sees more as a mentor/authority figure (Jaheira, Halsin, and even Minsc, to an extent), he keeps a respectful distance. It’s a much bigger capitulation on his part than it initially seems – Alassane historically put a lot of effort in creating distance between himself and others as a way to assert his superiority (he frequently pretended to be a germaphobe as an excuse to enforce distance). If he’s allowing someone else that space, he’s showing them the respect he used to demand from everyone else.

Generally, he’s eminently practical, and does things that he can pretend is for a different reason. He’s not at all comfortable with being vulnerable and showing people that he likes them, and will try to hide it behind something else. A big way he ends up bonding with Wyll is by acknowledging his transformation into a fiend and giving him very blunt, practical advice in regards to appropriate diets and horn care. He starts regularly sparring with Lae’zel after the crèche which helps take both their minds off the situation while also keeping their skills sharp. He and Shadowheart have a silent mutual agreement to listen to each other vent without judgement. He throws every scroll he finds at Gale and asks about everything even remotely magical they come across even when he possibly already knows the answer just to let Gale info-dump. That kind of thing.

Another thing he does that shows his affection – which is maybe not so great but oh well – is his willingness to verbally eviscerate the people he cares about if he thinks they’re making a bad decision. He’s usually big on trusting people to make their own decisions, but sometimes… well. Sometimes he feels very strongly about it. Post-amnesia Alassane is pretty entrenched in his desperate desire to be liked by people, so if he’s at a point where he’s willing to put that on the line and tell you, point blank, that you’re being an idiot, actually, it’s effectively a love confession. He only brings out the aggressive tough-love with people he’s invested in and doesn’t want to see self-destruct. Does not pull his punches, though. He will deeply hurt you if he thinks it will save you.

[marshmallowprotection]

Hey there Kait^^ I was wondering if you can give me some insight into your perspective of the question I've been asking myself.

It's about sexual intimacy, therefore I'll keep it simple. But, of course, you can explain and elaborate as deeply as you like.

I've been thinking about SE Saeran and how he would receive/persuade something sexual in his relationship. If he would ever try persuade it in the first place.

There would be a chance for one of them to try going further at some point, right?

How do you think would he respond to such indication? Would he avoid the topic? Or would he be the one doing a step when feeling more comfortable over time?

Anything to the question, please let me know about your pov. Because this is really a tricky thing to figure out for him.

I tend to not go into detail about these topics on the blog since everything is safe for work here. So, let's go over this with a very generalized response.

So, when I'm working with Saeran, any of them for that matter, I write with the notion in my head that he's a Biromantic Demisexual. I have always seen him that way. He isn't that invested in sexual intimacy but romantic intimacy is fine by him once he trusts you as a person. He won't go out of his way to seek a physical act like sex on his own terms.

Romance is hard enough as it is for SE Saeran because of how he feels about himself. He just can't stand to see the person looking back at him in the mirror. The person looking back at him is a real monster who has done things with his hands that he can never be sure will be forgiven. He is wary of intimacy with others for a good reason. What if he slips up and hurts someone again? Emotionally? Physically?

He can't do that.

He won't do that.

Sometimes, he thinks about sexual intimacy but more often than not, it's just something that squicks him out. There's a pull he feels but it's not something he wants to explore. His trauma is too much for him to imagine getting into a relationship to being with, much less one with sexual intimacy. It'll take months if not years for him to be able to feel okay with loving someone... or even being loved by another person. It won't be overnight.

This man would struggle with receiving verbal affection from the get-go... and everything that comes after that is going to be just as hard... it's not personal, either. He might know very well that he has feelings for you as a person, but he's not going to be able to voice that for the longest time. You'd have to be the one to broach that topic, and even then, he needs time and space to decide if he's—

If he's even okay being in a relationship with someone.

He's not going to seek out sexual intercourse. He's already going to avoid verbal intimacy! So, what does that mean in regards to what that means once he does get into a relationship? It means that you will need to take your time with him. You need to go slower than you think with him. Work your way through his comfort levels day by day and that will do a lot of good.

Getting him to smile after a simple "I love you," is a huge milestone. Getting him to say "I love you, too" is like reaching the top of a huge mountain. Brushing your fingers against his for a moment when you walk is another step in the right direction. Actually holding his hand for the first time is like seeing the sky for the first time. Hugging him is like.. you just tasted ice cream for the first time.

Kissing him is like discovering something that people thought was long gone from our eyes. Every step of intimacy is a challenge for his heart. One step forward can feel like two steps back. He has to brace himself every step of the way because each time he reveals another part of himself... it feels dangerous and he can't breathe... but being able to love you openly and willing is what motivates him to be okay with it.

If you want to have sexual intercourse with SE Saeran, it's going to come very deep in your relationship. Be warned that even if he does consent to intercourse, it might take baby steps to get to full-blown penetrative intercourse. Sexual intimacy can make you vulnerable in ways that Saeran might not have even realized when he said it was okay to share that moment with him.

Many people don't realize how vulnerable sex can make you if you're not prepared for your feelings, both emotionally and physically. You need to be gentle with yourself and know when to say "Keep going", or "We need to stop".

So, consent is key, a safe word is crucial, and your patience matters. If you respect and love him, this should be no problem. On the other side of this, if you don't want to have intercourse with him because it isn't something you want in your relationship, he's fine with that. His world doesn't end with sexual intimacy. He is content with a life with you that lets him curl into your embrace on a blanket with the warm sun kissing his cheeks.

Talk to Saeran about your feelings on the subject when you think you're ready for it. If you want sex, take your time, and if you don't want sex, that's just fine by him!

[karkkidoeswriting]

Happy Storyteller Saturday! What about your story is currently plaguing your thoughts right this moment? A certain character? A plot point? A particular scene? A concept for something new? Be as vague or as detailed as you like!

Happy STS! Thank you for the question!!

Right now Faerathos and Marcus from BCC are living rent free in my mind. They have somewhat codependent and dysfunctional adoptive father-son relationship. Faerathos is one of the main siblings and after their clan got killed in a civil war 15 years prior, he was taken as a hostage to the court, to deter his uncle, who managed to escape, from coming back from exile to cause trouble. Marcus is his aunt's widow (she died years before the civil war) and the commander of their house guard, though there's barely anyone alive from their house, so now he is more just Faerathos' bodyguard.

Faerathos was pretty traumatized by the civil war at age 13 and after that he's been 15 years in the court under constant surveillance and control, so it's safe to say he's mentally not great. He does a lot of self-sabotaging by getting into bad and dangerous situation and fucking over his life and relationships by being shitty to people. He craves affection, but also doesn't think he deserves it, which leads him to do things like that. More than anything he wants affection from Marcus, who is very emotionally unavailable. He has also internalized having his every move scrutinized, so he's compulsively acting like he's totally fine, and therefore also unable to just ask help or support. So Marcus, who already has trouble reading people's emotions, doesn't even know what he needs.

Marcus was Faerathos' father's (Julius) lover for several years before he died (Faerathos' parents were platonically married), which Faerathos doesn't know. So when Julius died in the civil war, Marcus also took it pretty badly, but he couldn't ever really properly grieve, because he could not show weakness being constantly under the enemy's nose, and no one knew about it. He could not save Julius, so his life mission since has been to protect Julius' son, and he barely has any life outside Faerathos. He also believes he is cursed, because tragedies seems to follow him, and he is constantly afraid something will happen to Faerathos. This is partly an internal justification to be so emotionally distant (because he's like "maybe the curse won't work if I don't talk about my feelings" - Sure, Jan), because he really just fears emotional intimacy, which would require him to actually face his grief. So he deeply loves Faerathos as a son, but is unable to express it, which is the one thing Faerathos really needs from him. It's also painful for him to watch by as Faerathos for seemingly no reason just fuck over his life over and over again without being able to do anything. So sometimes he has to emotionally check out from their relationship and just keep Faerathos alive.

Despite all that they can also be affectionate. Marcus doesn't usually like to be touched, but Faerathos likes platonic physical intimacy, so the way Marcus shows his love (since emotional intimacy is off the table) is by affectionately touching Faerathos' hair or something or letting Faerathos nap against him. (To paint you the picture, Faerathos is 195 cm and Marcus 169 cm. His son is very overgrown.) When Faerathos was younger, they didn't have this tension, since a naturally parent-child relationship is not balanced, and Marcus could be there for Faerathos without having to be that open himself. But as Faerathos grew up, their relationship should have become more reciprocal, but with the combined effort of Marcus' emotional unavailability and Faerathos' self-destructive behavior, their relationship just become more dysfunctional. So on one hand they are very close, but on the other hand they can be very hurtful to each other, because they are so close.

To show you how rent free they live in my head here's a little sketch I made of baby Faerathos and Marcus having an "I'm guess I'm a father now" moment after they have become hostages because I could not stop thinking about them.

Sorry for the long answer, I have just endless amount to say about them :'D

[from-your-older-wiser-sister]

When someone has a crush on your partner

I've been in this situation in the past, and it stirs up some really tough feelings. Looking back, I have some thoughts I'd like to share related to my own experience. It's a bit of a wall of text, so my advice is at the end if you'd rather skip to that.

The Situation

My partner (A) and I were living together during university. They had made a pretty close friend in their class, B, who was really struggling with being away from home, and general mental health. A and B saw each other every day for class, as well as studying and hanging out, mostly in group settings but sometimes just them. While I would sometimes meet up with them, our schedules didn't really align. My partner loves helping people and feeling needed, so they jumped all in trying to support B, making sure that they were fully available via text and call if B needed to talk about anything. After a few months of this unconditional reassurance and support, B told A that they had developed a crush on them.

Initially I decided to be super chill about it. You can't control who you get a crush on, and it seemed pretty straightforward that nothing was going to come from this. I even spoke to B about it, and kind of laughed it off.

After a few weeks though, I started to realise just how much I was feeling jealous and hurt by the attention that A was continuing to pay to B. B was messaging A with every little thought and concern, seeking continuous reassurance in a way that struck me as more akin to how you might emotionally rely on a partner. On a group trip, B was constantly standing or sitting physically next to A, and I was miserable. Another friend on that trip knew the situation, and reassured me that I wasn't being paranoid, B's behaviour struck them as overt and disrespectful to our relationship.

Throughout all of this, my partner was in denial about B's behaviour. They saw B as one of their best friends, and gladly accepted all of the attention that B was offering along with the gratifying sense of being needed by someone that you can help. When I asked at some point whether B had crossed any lines, A could only think of B leaning on them while they were watching a movie, but A noted that they didn't really do anything besides shift away a little, because it could've just been friendly (Again, full denial).

The final straw was when I found out that B asked A whether, if we ever broke up, A would consider dating B. A told B no, but it cut me so deeply that B, who I was trying so hard to see as a friend despite everything, would so blatantly seek to undermine my relationship and my happiness. There was a big falling out between myself and B. I blamed B for all of my unhappiness that I had been feeling, and accused them of being manipulative and cruel. Simultaneously, A continued trying to maintain their friendship with B. A few months later, B started dating someone else in the group, and basically completely dropped A. This really shook A, as this undermined A's sense of being a super close friend of B, which had been their justification and source of plausible deniability for all of their interactions.

Reflection

I really regret placing all of the blame for my unhappiness on B. Yes their behaviour was selfish, but looking back on that time, I can see how young we all were, and how much we didn't know ourselves yet. We all acted in ways that perpetuated the situation, and we all could've done things differently and avoided a lot of pain.

A clear source of unhappiness for me was that I didn't know how to articulate my need for comfort and support. The jealousy I felt when A was supporting B and not myself was largely self-inflicted, because A had no way to know that I even wanted or needed support. As far as A knew, I was generally doing fine. We fell into the trap of assuming that living together was equivalent to spending actual quality time together, and so I couldn't explain or justify why I felt so lonely and disconnected from A when I was objectively seeing them everyday. I was so concerned with not being the kind of person who stops their partner from hanging out with their friends, that I didn't speak up for myself. Learning to know myself and communicate what I needed to feel comfortable was a process, as was A learning to hear and understand my experience when it didn't match theirs.

It was also entirely within A's control to set boundaries with B, and avoid most of the drama that happened. B told me later that they had assumed that A would tell them if they did anything that crossed a line, and A never did. B took what they were given willingly by A, including encouragement to seek A out whenever B wanted to talk to someone. When I was lying awake seething that B would have the audacity to be messaging A late at night, B had the understanding that this was all totally fine because if it wasn't, wouldn't A say that they could talk some other time instead? I was as much in denial about A's behaviour as A was about B. I've discussed it with A since, and learned that ultimately A enjoyed the attention they were receiving, including the sense that they were so needed by someone. A had been able to frame everything as friendship right until they were replaced by a real relationship. It was only when that attention was removed, when B stopped 'needing' A, that A could look at the situation more objectively.

Advice

If you find that your partner is spending a lot of time with a friend, and then you learn that that friend has a crush on them, here's my advice:

Communicate. Be honest with your partner about how you feel in the situation. Don't try and downplay your feelings, as that can just lead to you making your feelings easily dismissable. After shared interactions with the friend, let your partner know if anything that happened made you feel uncomfortable, including your partner's own behaviour. Work together to see if you can avoid those sources of discomfort in the future.

Set boundaries. Work with your partner on this, because you can't assume that their boundaries are the same as yours. Talk it through, and decide if any behavioural changes would be appropriate. This could look like not always being on call for this friend, and leaving their messages to be replied to later. It may look like not spending time together alone. It doesn't have to be rigid rules, but it can help to share with your partner what makes you uncomfortable, so that you can be clear of what crosses a line for both of you. It sets up your partner for success as they endeavour to respect you and your relationship.

Act with respect. Chances are the friend doesn't actually want to cause any harm. Hold them accountable for any untoward actions if its obviously out of line (like kissing your partner or something) or was explicitly pointed out as crossing a boundary. Otherwise, if they're just trying to stay friendly, try and continue to be friendly in return, and don't be hard on them for crossing lines that they didn't know about.

Consider a break. If the friend is starting to push on your relationship, or you find that you can't handle them being around your partner at the moment, it may be worth suggesting that your partner withdraw from the friendship until the crush abates and the friend's behaviour returns to normal. That could look like your partner becoming less available to spend time with this friend, or stopping initiating messaging. It's a difficult conversation, but ultimately reducing contact can help stop a crush thats been developing based on consistent interactions, and also allows room for the friend to spend time with other people who might be better crush candidates for them.

[theoreza]

I’ve woken up in the middle of the night to question my romantic identity apparently. Thank you for making this available. While I’ve definitely experienced romantic attraction before, I would like to add my thoughts to a few of your bullet points to share how my experience differs and maybe that could be helpful to someone else who’s also not entirely aromantic in it’s purest form. My notes are in italic/bold. Also, not everything is necessarily a sign of aromanticism, but yet a part of my experience of questioning whether I’m arospec.

Here goes:

You would rather be huggy, cuddly or emotionally intimate with all of your friends instead of reserving your intimacy for just one person.

I don’t really miss a romantic partner as much as I miss my best friend MM whom I just moved to live an hour away from, but whom I used to live in the same building as and see almost every day

You would rather have a queerplatonic relationship than a typical romantic relationship.

My friendship to my best friend MM feels to me like a queer platonic marriage, in my mind, she’s my life partner. Would never want to kiss her.

not understanding the appeal of kissing

Make out sessions have always bored me very fast

thinking about your future and being excited to live alone/with friends rather than immediately thinking about marriage

My biggest dream has for a long time been to live in a village with all my best friends

being annoyed or grossed out by romance in the media

I get tired and sad because they make it seem so simple which hasn’t been my experience

seeing romance in the media as formulaic, saying things like ‘these two characters will kiss once then break up I can tell from the portrayal of their first interaction’ rather than getting emotionally invested.

I sometimes get frustrated that romance on TV just feels like a script, because every story is so similar

your ideal romantic relationship being suspiciously similar to your ideal friendship when you think about it

… my best friend MM

feeling out of place

Feelings of there being something wrong with me, as if I have to kickstart or rekindle emotions and feeling responsible/guilty when I don’t succeed, knowing I will likely hurt the other person. Trying to hack this by researching about how people who thrive in long lasting relationships manages to keep it going for so long

you never get why your friend doesn’t just break up with their partner(s) (and if you’re asked for advice, your most common thing to say is break it off), after all why would you stay if it’s not working out? (assuming the relationship is non-abusive)

I love a good breakup

also urging friends to confess to crushes to avoid painful pining, because why would you wait?

100% relatable. Having a crush is painful and time consuming, right?

for your crushes, you either confess very soon after realizing, to “get it out of the way/it’s out in the open now/avoid needless pining,” or never confess because “unsure of crush/what’s the point/dating is kinda dumb and I’m too young/it could have consequences for our friendship.”

Mostly the first one

however, either of those actions are never or almost never because of you wanting to know if they like you back

Yeah, just to get it over with

interpreting any interest when you want to get close to a person of a different or opposite gender as a crush, then “oh I just want to be friends with them!” then crush again, then friends again, and you can’t decide

My feelings feel flighty and unreliable

trying to decide the above point by deeply analyzing how physically and emotionally close you get with them, giving it a lot of thought to what you want to do with them in the long-term and not so much what a first date or kiss would look like

Is this why I overthink and build those damn castles that come crashing down every time because reality can never live up to imagination ???

I remember posts like this being helpful when I was questioning so I thought it might be good to make a checklist of sorts for The Aro Experience:

not picking up on your friend’s crushes

not understanding the appeal of kissing

thinking about your future and being excited to live alone/with friends rather than immediately thinking about marriage

being annoyed or grossed out by romance in the media

alternatively, seeing romance in the media as formulaic, saying things like ‘these two characters will kiss once then break up I can tell from the portrayal of their first interaction’ rather than getting emotionally invested.

choosing not to read/watch something because there is romance

not getting why people say they want a relationship if they don’t have a crush at the time

your ideal romantic relationship being suspiciously similar to your ideal friendship when you think about it

being able to explain your ‘type’ with fashion style, aka caring more about clothes than looks when considering if you find someone attractive

feeling like your views on relationships are more ‘childish’ than your friend’s views are

feeling uncomfortable when family or friends ask if you’re dating/like someone, even if their questions aren’t particularly invasive

assuming other people make up their crushes to fit in or seem cool 

making your own crushes to fit in, or just mindlessly agreeing that  people all your friends like are ‘hot’ even if you don’t think so

feeling out of place and like you can’t contribute when your friends talk about crushes and relationships

thinking people your age are way too young to date, and this view never seeming to change as you get older

This is mostly from personal experience and obviously every aro is different, but hopefully this is helpful.