#sometimes I feel like a bad person for like. detaching myself from things

[primordial0riginator]

Grahhhh

[carnalconcinnity]

I relate to and feel represented by Towa heavily in that he exhibits Schizoid Personality Disorder unlike any character I've seen before. It was in my head for a while but I couldn't get a hold of Slow Damage to find the evidence for it myself until now, I sort of just used to look at Towa, squint my eyes and mouth the words 'I'm onto you'.

This will be a long, indulgent post, I have not finished said game and will probably update when I do especially after Madarame and Fujieda's route. This is based on patterns I've seen so far in the game as well as some spoilers I came across. Read at your own... something or other.

SzPD's main characteristic is the lack of interest or ability to form relationships. Towa is on the side of a lack of interest rather than ability. One way I see SzPD in him is socially, he's indifferent and blunt or when he makes an attempt to spare feelings he's evasive, he maintains this distance with everyone around him. He doesn't chase after romance; sex and pain are stimuli that allow him to feel something beyond crippling apathy. It doesn't stop there though.

When he wants to, Towa knows how to adapt, negotiate and manipulate others. This can often come as second nature to many with SzPD, not out of malicious intent but through a way to protect themselves by setting the relationships they do make on their own terms. He interchanges between inarticulateness and eloquence according to Akhtar's Profile, selectively choosing what he gives away and what he keeps to himself.

Finally, Towa's art model in the moment, whoever it may be, can easily be considered his 'interest person'. Again referring to Akhtar's profile, those with SzPD can be capable of excitement with carefully selected people and likewise they tend to have a penchant towards typically darker and unconventional things as a form of coping. Combine those two and you have Towa's heightened interest in the selected few when he unravels their darkest desires.

A second way I see SzPD is through his feelings of unreality, schizoids tend to be seen as 'detached observers', there's a lack of motivation or drive beyond the few things they want to do. Towa doesn't hold any long-term ambitions and has no real sense of urgency over anything, he's often dragged outside by others around him or if he bar-hops and searches for hookups. He also holds a sense of grandiosity towards his indifferent observation, the line that stuck out to me the most was when he said to himself, 'All the more proof that life was easier when you didn't care about anything.' A view you will often see from Schizoids time and time again in response to other people's emotionally charged issues.

Towa sometimes dehumanizes himself, describing himself as a 'single minded robot' when painting, playing a role when granting his art model's wish like he did for Asakura or by referring to 'Human Beings' as though he isn't one of them. Obviously as a child Towa was horrifically abused and treated like a 'thing' instead of a person and a result of that he has a weak sense of self, he has a tendency to cave in around more dominant personalities. This can be another thing that goes hand in hand with SzPD, entering into a 'Master/Slave' type dynamic in social relationships (SchizoidVision has a post on this concept, here) As I've explored, Towa has the faculties to play the 'master' in these dynamics like with his art models but he takes a 'slave' role with the main leads that hold the potential to lead into even worse dehumanization in the bad endings.

Thirdly, a way I see Schizoid in him is through his emotions plain and simple, he hardly expresses strong emotions or reactions to anything and everyone sees him similarly, that he's aloof or uncaring. It shows even more in how he doesn't care for social validation, praise or criticism does virtually nothing. He sometimes feels accomplishment for finding his inspiration to paint but Rei ends up being the one posting it on Roost's blog. He isn't dependent on other people's opinions whatsoever. A huge part of SzPD traits.

Finally, the use of his internal fantasy and how it obsessively consumes his time. When he begins painting he becomes utterly immersed to the point he neglects food or sleep, you can't snap him out of it forget any sort of practical responsibilities. This reflects in SzPD in how daydreams tend to consume a lot of schizoid's lives, often preferring it over reality. It can interfere heavily with day to day tasks, I can say there's multiple times I haven't left my room, eaten or slept over a period of time when I get an urge to create something or lose myself in my own head.

Overall, there's so many boxes he ticks so far it's as if he's become the box himself. I connect with him a lot for these reasons and he can easily be considered a major comfort character and face for my page, plus somehow I find the time and dedication to write this essay when I have my abandoned assignments just begging me to make a start on them. (I won't until I feel like it.)

[intuitively-her]

Why are people scared of you?

Pile 1-(The Hermit, 7 of swords, The Lovers rx, 8 of cups, The Devil, Temperance, 4 of cups rx, 4 of wands rx, 8 of pentacles rx, The Magician, 8 of wands) *angel number confirmation: 888

It's easy for you to detach from situations that don't serve you. You may prefer to be alone often. Sometimes you may even have more fun by yourself than when you're with others. People wish they could be like that. You're very much grounded and comfortable in your own skin. You are your own happiness! This really gets under people's skin. Mad ass bitches.🤣 You're very secretive and many wonder what you're hiding. People feel like they can't keep up with you. This could even be people that try to keep up with you to be all up in your business. But they're still blocked from knowing anyways. You're a powerful creator. You've built your creations from the ground up and made it to the top without the help of anyone else. You really had to get it out the mud BY YOURSELF. Lastly, many believe that you're a heart breaker. It's something about the way you look. You're a temptress.

*channeled song: way 2 sexy by drake

Pile 2-(5 of wands, 10 of swords, The Hanged Man, The Devil, The Star, The Magician, Queen of swords, Ace of swords, Justice)

You're not afraid of confrontation and being the bad guy when it's needed. I keep hearing "don't poke the bear". So you could actually be quiet and keep to yourself, but you'll flip the switch at any moment. That's really f*cking scary lmao. There's this strong aura of confidence around you. You walk with your head held high. Something about you makes people want to surrender. They feel super defeated against you. People would rather be with you than against you. You may have some sort of fame or following on a platform. For some of you, you run a business that contributes to this. People wish they could do it like you. Lastly, people are scared of you because you always get to the bottom of the truth. You always receive justice and come out on top in situations.

*channeled song: blow the whistle by too short

Pile 3-(6 of cups rx, The Hierophant rx, The World, Death, The Hermit, The Emperor, King of swords rx, 2 of pentacles rx, 10 wands rx, 6 of wands)

You're growing up and leaving behind dead weight. You've truly been evolving into a new person. Like a snake shedding it's skin. You're releasing a lot of your past burdens. Some people feel like you're gonna leave them behind. This could be family. These are people that were never supposed to join you on your journey anyway. You've been handling things on your own more and keeping your business to yourself. I'm getting a "f*ck it, ill just do it myself" type of energy from this pile. You're becoming your own savior. You've been taking a lot more risks as well. I keep getting something about "risk and reward". So maybe that has meaning to you.

*channeled song: rise up by andra day

Pile 4-(Queen of cups rx, 3 of swords, Queen of pentacles, Queen of wands rx, 4 of swords, Ace of cups, King of cups, Judgement, The High Priestess)

You can be very spiteful towards those that have done you wrong. People are often scared to go against you because they're afraid of what you might do in retaliation. You're very selfish with your time and you take your self-care seriously. You hold a lot of knowledge about many different subjects. I heard "old soul". You know exactly what you want and you demand it. That's actually very attractive to others. You seem to have a good judgement towards others, so you know who to associate yourself with and who not to. You can be a social butterfly at the same time tho. You know many people from many different crowds. You also have many people that come to your defense in situations, some unbeknownst to you.

*channeled song: no more (baby ima do right) by 3LW

[chaifootsteps]

...nevermind! I have another thing to say and ask.

I just literally searched your username in Tumblr and I got to see a lot of posts accusing you of a variety of things, things like:

being a lolicon / shotacon (steming from you pointing out in a post that fictional children shouldn't be reported and the accuser said that's part of the problem and you're encouraging pedophilia)

being a zoopedo (because of the toothless and hiccup pairing, of course, also managing to see that they've defended and remarked that the "SoftFurArchive" / Norry / idk was trying to warn all of that)

being an armchair psychologist and ableist (because you and an Anon diagnosed Viv with narcissism in a ask)

being a proshipper (an amalgamation of posts, but most focused on the fact of the Toothless x Hiccup ship)

being a KiwiFarms apologist (because of posts about you talking about KiwiFarms and sometimes praising some of the users' comments there)

being a gatekeeper over what's trans (from you saying what a trans should or should not be in a post)

Please, Chai, ease my mind by clarifying if any of this is true or false, or it's just a byproduct of gullible people falling over supposed evidence, or just proshipper puritans attacking you because they don't like you.

— Instagram!Stolas Anon, concerned.

Let's break this down point by point

No, I don't like loli or shota, but I've got a couple of ships that are weird and personal and require convoluted explanations, so I try to extend the same benefit of the doubt to other people.

No, I'm not a pedophile. I'm a CSA survivor, which is why I'm incredibly concerned about things like alarm fatigue. I think certain terms need to be limited to things involving real children and then we can argue about Naruto ships all day.

No, I'm not a zoophile, I like monsters and dragons and generic furry stuff. The term for the former is teratophila. I've been accused of murdering my pets and sent links to actual animal abuse over this.

I don't call myself a proshipper anymore because I'm not playing the "Ah-ha, I think it means X and you said you're that, so you believe what I think you believe" game. I judge people as they come and whether you call yourself proshipper or anti, you're welcome here as long as you can behave.

I've said before that I shouldn't have indulged that ask, but I didn't say that Viv definitely has NPD, I said that if you dangled me over a shark tank and forced me to throw out an armchair diagnosis, it's one I've wondered about. I hope she doesn't, because it's a misunderstood disorder and an extremely sad one. To quote someone who's got it, Nothing's ever OK. You're either too high on yourself for outperforming everyone else, or too harsh on yourself for not being good enough for your own standards.

I'm fascinated by old internet forums and Kiwi Farms is a place that interests me more than any other. It's swaddled in a mixture of misinformation and being exactly as bad as everyone says, but in an increasingly corporate owned, regulated, KOSA-just-passed-the-Senate internet, there are days I'm profoundly grateful that Null's as stubborn as he is.

I'm trans. I genuinely have no idea where this "gatekeeping" thing is coming from.

Let me be very clear. The FBI and NCMEC have literally begged people to stop reporting fictional characters, because fighting pedophiles is like fighting a million headed Hydra. So it burns me when people say things like this.

If you think it's acceptable to do something child protection agencies have again, begged people to stop doing because it gives you a good feeling to do it and you think that trumps the well-being of real missing and exploited children, you are dangerously detached from reality and not welcome on my blog.

TL;DR: All false.

[secretlythepits]

It’s been a minute.

Thanksgiving was ok. If my husband isn’t here next year— we will have to travel. It would be too sad to do it with just us. That is a bridge I won’t cross early.

Christmas is strange this year, mostly because we have teens. They are at the age where they want to choose clothes and shoes, so we are going to do the super fun task of taking them shopping and then wrapping up what they chose. They have phones, computers, and beats. I’m sure they would love a gaming system, but it would be bad for our family life. I don’t feel like wasting money on stuff that will get a nice reaction on the day, but that they don’t need or even really want. I thought of a special present for each of them. My dog lover will get a gorgeous art piece of his dog, something I know he will keep for life. (Be still my heart. This boy loves his dog so much.) My other son will get a nice piece of jewelry: a chain or earrings. He borrowed his dad’s clothes and watch for an event and is ready to start. having nice things. My husband wanted nothing but made an Amazon list. I will get something from that and his usual treats. Sometimes I wish I were more consumerist, but I’m just too practical and environmentally conscious.

II am the one getting a big present this year. My husband surprised me by insisting on buying me a replacement engagement ring. My old one has issues so I’ve been wearing my mom’s wedding band instead. We never had extra money so I never even hinted at a new ring. Occasionally, I searched on my own, but I never said anything. This came out of the blue and was so sweet.

I am receiving it.

I remember getting a spa day as a gift when my kids were babies and I had trouble relaxing during my facial. I had to command myself: receive receive receive. I silently chanted that mantra as I took deep breaths. Sometimes it’s easier to give, but participating in both sides of the exchange are important. Receiving something allows another person to give. To be in the energetic flow, we have to let things come and go.

I am not getting a diamond. I want a pink stone, maybe a pink sapphire. And rose gold. A jeweler is creating options. My husband took me there on Saturday and it was romantic and exciting. It felt like the old us. I’m not sure that we are in love anymore, but we do love each other. That’s what this ring says. Wow. A ring to begin and a ring to complete.

Talk about a circle of life.

Other than that, I have been steadily working on micro habits to improve my life and they are working. My curriculum is almost done. I’ve been exercising moderately, but it’s had a huge effect on lowering my pain and facilitating sleep. I am excited about launching my career but a bit daunted by the task of launching a business. One step at a time.

Tomorrow I am starting a daily workout challenge. It’s just 45 minutes a day, but I can make strides to lose a little weight and start seeing results before the new year. That’s motivating to me.

To be clear, I will not forgo Christmas cookies or sourdough bread. I will work out more and eat healthy meals. That’s it. I have a right to enjoy eating.

I also scheduled my annual well woman exam exam for Christmas Eve morning. It was the earliest appointment I could get. I sure know how to celebrate the season. It’s never-racking to me because my husband’s cancer is HPV positive. I’ve always tested negative, but viruses are sneaky, deadly bastards.

The kids have taken me on emotional journeys with their schoolwork lately, but I realized that I just need to detach. I personalize their failures too much. They are figuring things out and I know failure is a part of the process. I can’t go up and down with them. I feel jerked around and react forcefully, trying to make them stop. But there is no other way for them to learn except living and failing and trying again. They are entitled to grow at their own pace. My friend once told me, “Does shouting at a seed ever make it grow any faster?”

I’m not sure if it’s being 50, but I’m having an easier time staying level. There are a lot of very big things to worry about right now, but I’m just—not. I’ve never been able to opt out before. But from this vantage point it seems like a choice to go up and down, because I know that ultimately things will be how they are and I’ll figure out how to live with whatever that may be.

That’s life in a nutshell. Now, as my mother would always say: I am off to do great and wonderful things.

[7000]

TW discussion of death, other sensitive topics

I woke up feeling like a trash compactor, just wasted (not in the fun way) and I wish I had the strength to pick myself up and do something about it but I do not want to. I’m exhausted and will probably be revitalized sometime at night, as usual, and get everything I need to done but I can’t help but feel like in this moment I’m just supposed to be grasping at something integral to myself. Like a moment of stillness and connection where my inner voice comes through. And not that I’ve been disconnected because I haven’t but actually, I am realizing now as I’m writing this that I do have a lot to reflect on that I didn’t realize I was putting off. Where this year started, where it’s taken me, all the suffering and newfound freedom, I really feel like this year has been one continuous tower moment. Some parts just bad and senseless, but others extremely necessary- because there is no way I would have realigned with myself the way I have, to the degree that I am now, had I not gone through it. I really mean it when I say I would not have survived another year like that, I couldn’t have, I would have killed myself before I reached my ridiculous goal, and it turns out I didn’t have to.

It was so much easier to set sail than I expected and I am grateful that I didn’t fight it like my ego wanted to. Yet at the same time I recognize that the desire for death is something that still lies within me, always has and always will, like this inner knowing that peace will come when it wants to and only then I can rest. I wanted to die since I was too young to remember and I know this both with a personal certainty and because of that time I dug up old medical documents from when I was 5 (shit you not) where my parents were telling my therapist about how I wanted to leave this earth and die. When you’re that young and want something that bad, how do you untangle that from your fundamental sense of self? Those years are formative to everything you are, so no, I don’t personally believe I’ll ever find that zest and love of life that seems so natural to nearly everyone.

At the same time I recognize now that when it gets bad for me it’s only because when the momentary pain feels insurmountable, I’m scared that it will only get worse. So the logical conclusion to me is to end it before it does. And I just don’t feel like that’s true anymore. I think who I am has been strengthened not in spite of, but because of all my experiences. I weirdly get more self assured every time something awful happens and I’m able to sit with it. And the point of this life, at least to me, is to have those experiences. To observe them and feel them, but also integrate what they mean to me with a detached perspective. Detached in the sense of separating them from any fear of an outcome, or any faulty beliefs, and taking things as they are in the moment, recognizing what it means, and nothing more. And I am also realizing too, recently, that my desire for death isn’t entirely what it’s always seemed to be. It’s never stemming from self hatred at its core but an erroneous way of sparing myself from how disconnected and meaningless everything feels. Like that essay mentioned, you can call it a longing for continuity, and because sex is broken for me, the closest I felt like I could get in the past was only I was nearest to dying- or even at that edge of starvation where your body starts disconnecting and you feel like you’re floating. It brought me to a state where I could kiss the borders of everything that is, everything that exists in perpetuity, and I craved it, and felt so bitter that the nature of this material world kept me from feeling it, all of it.

I recognize that’s not entirely true now. Yes, self destruction can take me to that state, but it was never the only means. There’s so many other ways to step away from your discontinuous self, even for a moment, and experience that state of ecstasy in unbecoming. Ways that won’t end me, will allow me to continue to experience what I need to, but bring me that reprieve that will carry me through the worst of it, as I need to. Because I’m here now, and there’s no point in not being here. Death will come when it so desires, any sooner is impatience. At some point I made the decision to exist and it’s only right to see it through. There’s beautiful things to this life, and while to me, none more satisfying than death, they’re still here. I AM capable of enjoying them. And I have to be present in order to be there when they come.

[shiftersroom]

hi thala! 💞 so sorry if you don’t accept this kind of asks but i just feel like i need to vent and your vlog is always reassuring and comforting.

currently i’m in this situation where i just want to get out of this cr and permashift to my dr asap, but it seems like i can’t stop self sabotaging myself and i’m so so tired of it. last night i was crying my heart out because of how bad i felt about it. i’ve been practicing meditation so i can enter the void and even though it seems like i learned to keep my mind awake and body sleep i haven’t been able to get past that and it’s so frustrating. i know there’s tons of methods and also everyone says i don’t even need one but i idk why i have this idea that i need some method to detach from my cr really printed on my mind. for the self sabotaging part, i can’t help but have trust issues regarding myself and the community, sometimes it’s my intrusive thoughts making me doubt about shifting being real/posible and other’s successful experiences (saying it must have been a lucid dream or they are just making it up and i really HATE and feel guilty to discredit their experiences in that way 😭) and other times my belief in shifting is unwavering but i don’t feel capable of it. i'm not even the kind of person who has ever had any “closer attempts” or mini shifts and has been really hard for me to find what works best for me, meditation is by far what i’ve been trying the most but i’m just so impatient that sometimes i can’t help but feel that i’m going nowhere. my mind is really so stubborn when it comes to trying to change negative thoughts.

sorry for all of this, i don’t have shifting friends or someone i can share this stuff with. i don’t usually tend to feel this way but last night i just kinda collapsed, it crossed my mind that maybe i'm wasting my time and that i should just give up but i don’t want to, if this shii is real i need to experience it no matter what. i want to be with the ones i love and live the life i want. i don’t want to stay here any longer. i want to try loa along with shifting but then again, my intrusive thoughts say that i’ll be just gaslighting myself and all that.

i know no one else can fix these problems for me, but i’m so scared of failure or just being delusional for believing in all of this. sorry again for the long vent, i needed to get this off my chest. love you and your blog so much thala. if you don’t really want to accept this because honestly is like a long ass and probably demotivating ramble it’s totally okay, but thank you for taking the time if you do. hope you keep being happy and having success with everything you do. 😭🫶🏻

hello 💕 please feel free to vent, i don’t mind.

i completely understand your level of frustration, i badly want to permashift too and i have little breakdowns every few months once it catches up to me that nothing has fully worked yet.

the void can take a long time to perfect. i mean monks spend decades learning to meditate! why don’t you try something other than meditation? if you’ve given it a good go and it hasn’t worked, it’s probably not the method for you. i recommend a short break before trying a new method. rn i’m writing an affirmation 100 times a day. but honestly if that doesn’t work i’m straight up gonna lay there and visualize for 8 hours every night. i’m getting out of here no matter what.

try asking yourself what you think will work for you - sometimes we know the answer but we need to sit down and think about it. for example i keep doing affirmations, or short visualizations. but i feel what will make me shift is just laying there and telling myself to stfu and visualize until i’m there, even if it takes hours.

as for the self sabotage, i cope with that by watching my favorite creators and realizing that no one in their right mind would upload years of unpaid content that most people would ridicule us for, all for it to be a lie or joke. especially older shifters. and the other thing i like to do is remind myself that if i shifted and came back, no matter how ridiculous the experience was it’d still be real - so even if you don’t believe someone bc it sounds outlandish, it can still be real.

i’m also scared of being delusional but i simply cannot and will not remain here. there is no other option for me, so i’ll persist forever. the first time i shifted i had no idea id shift. that keeps me motivated, i could feel awful and still wake up in my dr tomorrow.

forever posting this reddit post by someone who shifted after 5 years, this was my fave comment of theirs:

and that motivates me even more - even if it’s fake i’m gonna make it real.

i also struggle with trying to change negative thoughts and my mindset, i’m in my mid 20s this stuff is harder to believe in at this age, and my mind has been tainted by years of bad experiences. but as hard as it is i’m forcing myself to get over it and try everything, bc i just need to shift once and all my bad experiences will be over.

i’m sorry if i gave you a big rant in return haha, but i hope this helps!! 💕 i’m so happy you like my blog and thanks for your sweet words 🥹

[gugugagacodons]

MANIFESTATION IS EASY!!!

i had someone ask me, “what if i wish to manifest X because if X doesn’t manifest only bad things will happen"

yst i came across this post and this is literally my fav post ever because even tho i always think this, i’ve never found the words to articulate it this well.

and then i realised, that if you can manifest anything, you can manifest coming out of the desperate state, get rid of overthinking and anxiety, do away w negative thoughts etc.

MANIFESTATION IS NOT MAGIC. MANIFESTATION IS REAL. YOU ARE CONSTANTLY MANIFESTING. INTROSPECT AND YOU'LL REALISE THAT EVERYTHING IS A CONSEQUENCE OF YOUR MANIFESTATIONS I.E. THINKING.

here are some things i do for better and anxiety free manifestation:-

dr = desire reality cr = current reality

detach from your dr (desired reality): sometimes we get so obsessed w our dr that in order to manifest it, we start looking at it from the perspective of lack and since manifestation is ultimately bringing your state of mind to life, the only thing that gets strengthened as a fact is that you LACK it. (check the link in the intro of this post) to be able to manifest it freely, you need to detach. set a timestamp of maybe a week or two where you swear you won’t think ANYTHING related to dr. i did this once where i wanted person X to reach out to me, and then for a week of no contact and no thinking about them, boom they reached out to me exactly how i imagined it.

tell yourself you deserve your dr: in Roxie Nafousi’s book “Manifest”, she clearly states that you only manifest what you think you deserve. think of the times you have manifested some things and you haven’t. now compare the self concepts you had while manifesting each of them. i’m sure you’ll feel a stark difference of self worth in both scenarios. while having a good self concept is not absolutely necessary to manifest, it is better to have a good self concept in order to feel you deserve everyth bec really, you DO deserve everyth. in all, wtv you are desiring, you first need to tell yourself that it’s absolutely not a big deal that it happens to you, and you do deserve your dr. (you can try badmouthing/pointing flaws in your dr so that it doesn’t feel unachievable to you).

accept the situation as it if first: okay i need y’alls to HEAR ME CAREFULLY. so, you wish to change your cr (current reality) bec you are not happy/satisfied w it. but do you feel comfortable w being in it? have you accepted the situ as it is? ofc if you wish to manifest your life outside of your current life, you do not like your cr. but if you absolutely do not accept it or make terms w your cr, it will only make you more miserable, it will increase your desperation. and we don’t want that. when i wish to manifest smth i do not have in my cr, i firstly accept my cr and come to terms w it.

find a motive: i move thinking that i wish to manifest bec i wish to change this, cr is not making me happy. this gives you the MOTIVE to manifest. embrace the change from cr to dr and implement that. having a clear, defined motive escalates it several folds.

accept that you already have it: okay i know it’s hard to simple live like it, but when you are detached from your goal, it is easier for you to live the way you would when you already have your dr. distract yourself. don't dwell on thoughts of dr. your present needs your more. when you live in the present, it's easier for your to forget about the dr.

you're the absolute maker of your life: this fact used to give me so much anxiety before, bec it used to feel burdensome. but now it makes me powerful. always remember that since you are maker of your reality, you can NEVER NOT MANIFEST. you can NEVER MANIFEST INCORRECTLY. so stop w your intrusive thoughts.

makes fake POVs: okay this technique helps me a lot to keep myself from wavering. so quantum mechanically, since everything is energy, i picture that every time i affirm, the energy of my affirmations is helping to convert that energy into 3d mass. so whenever i check the 3d for my manifestations, i tell myself that the characters of the dr are working right now to make dr come true in the best way possible.

do not react to the 3d: what i have seen is that even when there are things going super wrong in 3d right this very moment, but when i don't react to them, the 3d IMMEDIATELY rewards me and turns it into my favour. not reacting to your 3d and having control on your emotions is the best manifestation gift you can give to yourself. as a very emotional person i did that and my manifestation journey changed wonders. do not think realistically. ever.

lastly, intro-fkn-spect: i'm so sorry for the cuss, but i cannot cannot CANNOT emphasize enough on how much introspection helps me personally to manifest. one thing abt introspection that helps me is to remember the times i was able to manifest. bec we are CONSTANTLY manifesting, it's literally not difficult to not manifest dr w/i days or even hours. and this makes me feel so powerful, and the fact that it doesn't matter what i do, i just need to stay true and committed to my dr. that is literally all.

always, always remember. you attract what you are. you manifest what you think you deserve. you keep what you resonate with.

[blommp717]

Heyy I wanna ask u something, why lot of non dualisme bloggers seems Soo strict about it ? I mean ik desiring etc it's just ego thing ik that and nothing is real etc ik that , but what's wrong with wanting to experience something else? Like what I'm experiencing rn it's is what it's is cuz I'm aware about it , but what if I want to be aware about something else? It's still no real but it's bad to wants a new character?? Like just to have fun in my human experience!! Is that bad ? Cuz they're claiming that it's still desiring etc even I'm not desiring and I'm Soo detached to the point that I lost myself and my life I couldn't feel any bad for any suggestion I gone through but this making me lose fun and joy , I want to have passion to experience fun and joy again!!! And even now I'm not where I want to be cuz I can't experience myself like I want, I don't have freedom in somethings, what I don't find it fair is they are claiming that it's desiring and it's ego thing etc , meanwhile themselves charged Thier dr to dr , like just by being aware, what I'm trying to say is that ok that nothing Worth it but that doesn't mean that I need to lose joy in my human experience!!! Right? It's Soo easy for them to be like u don't need to change anything or accept it as it's is when they're in comfortable position to start with , again I'm not judging and idk what going on in others lives, again sorry I talked loooot I hope u can help me I will appreciate it , and tbh I found it easy what u talk about etc I'm new to your blog but I feel like u trying to make it easy to understand Wich I really appreciate it 💞💞

Hey there! I think allot of people think that knowing what is, also means they have to abide by it in any and every case. I think this entire illusions purpose is the experience. Doesn’t matter if all of this is no-thing or hollow, it won’t be disappearing just because we understand the true nature of existence. So with that in mind I find it, personally, useless to not want to enjoy what we can. The “human experience” is beautiful. We shouldn’t be backing away from realizing and experience that is enjoyable because why should we? Why should someone have to put up with something that puts them down or debilitates them? I truly don’t like the direction allot these bloggers go sometimes when someone is talking to them for advice about being depressed or it being hard to overcome something and they turn into a 2 sentence horror story robot with vague pointers. 😭 dropping something like “there is no one suffering” and that’s it, like girl we get itttt…. But a feeling though illusory and labeled by self, still is an experience, and if someone doesn’t want to feel like that 24-7 why shouldn’t we give them more concise information about what a though it or a feeling and what we’re capable of doing in regards to well, disregarding the feeling, etc. anyways I rambled for a while lol, thank you for the compliments you guys are genuinly so nice, I feel grateful to have such a good community going.

[mr-magoriums-im-sorry-emporium]

yo hi your shawn spencer having aspd take is awesome, been looking for a 'popular' character that displays aspd better than dexter. if you ever wanna give more elaboration / possibly infodumping i will be in the audience standing and clapping

u sly dog u got my monolouging.... AIGHT HERE GOES!!

so i forgottt if i said so in the og post but i think henry ALSO has aspd and thats where shawn got it from, but to elaborate: i think that's why henry became a cop

FIRST OFF: wrt cops, i am operating on TV SHOW LOGIC, not real life logic. tv show cops and irl cops are VASTLY different in the kinds of morals each set has. rl cops are deeply unethical but in the world henry spencer inhabits, this is largely not the case. since he's In There and not Out Here, i go with the show's portrayal of cops and their morals and values, instead of real life's. everything i say about cops from here on is about the show's cops, aight? aight lets go

SO the thing about having aspd and knowing on some level that you have it and somethings Different about you is that at some point you HAVE to learn How To Live In A Society Without Immidiatley Getting Ostracized. a common tactic for this is to somehow aquire a set of morals and then just Do That. it's what i personally did, and a lot of those morals came feom whatever community i was in. i liked being here, they had some set of morals, and i just adopted those and treated it as truth. over the years this process has become a lot more refined but generally my morals align with the community i find myself in- namely, queer leftists. so a LOT of my moral beliefs come with interacting with queer leftists at length (because, since i was queer, and thus interacted w a lot of leftists) and going "yeah, that makes sense, this is now a moral standard for me"

so tldnr you need to find a community with some moral tenants that you generally agree with and also like, which sounds like a no brainer but its like. a bit different yk? for me PERSONALLY there really isnt much of an internal set of checks and balances that make me agree w my morals under all costs and i can like. turn it off if i need to

but back to the spencers: being a cop is really good for this. the moral set is easy- you're a cop. you care a lot about The Law. ergo your morals are just... the laws are good and breaking tbem is bad. short and simple and to the point

additionally, being a cop means you get to engage in risk taking behavior and get PAID for it! people dont think youre a crazy reckless thrill seeker, they think you're a HERO! and who needs remorse when you're dealing with criminals? you dont NEED to feel bad about power tripping or intimidating them, its totally fine. its fine. its fine

also relationship issues- henry's divorced, that's not uncommon for pwaspd in relationships. sometimes its poorly managed and/or they wont change and even if theyre stable enough not to be dangerous or abusive, it could be an unpleasant experience for a lot of different reasons- arguments being a massive problem when they happen (the remorse thing- good luck actually getting an apology outta them), worry over the risky behavior being met with flippiance, general lack of emotional vunerability. stuff like that

all this btw is based off my real relationship struggles between me and my fiance who does NOT have aspd (we r like... total opposites its so funny. top 10 funniest matchups of all time)

back to shawn. he is a lot like his father in many ways but the main reason i thought he had aspd is just... he treats EVERYTHING with flippiance and sarcasm. even when hes locking in and being serious, there's still an underlying feeling that he's Just Having Fun With This, no matter the situation. which, this isnt like an official criterion or whatever, but like... i know a LOT of guys with aspd. most of them talk like this. there's always a sense of emotional detachment from most things, because there is one, because they have aspd. i jokingly call this the "sociopath lilt" because theres also that sort of, up-and-down inflection (that shawn has!) that comes with it. its so funny it just makes other pwaspd instantly clockable to me. get thin sliced loser

but once i started thinking about it, more things add up... he's CALLED OUT on his risk taking behavior and flippiance towards serious subject matter IN THE SHOW! he's had a ton of jobs and while i can't prove why he kept leaving them, aspd and having a job... don't mix well. i keep getting fired because i keep beefing w my manager, and i can see the same thing happening to shawn, or maybe he broke a rule one too many times, or got caught in a restricted area, or broke something thru carelessness

and it IS played for comedy but he very often tends to not respect the wishes and autonomy of the people he interacts with, ESPECIALLY gus. he cares naught for anything gus has going on with his job and wether or not he'll get in trouble if he leaves early or does whatever scheme shawn cooked up, and generally sort of treats him not very kindly a lot- which isnt to say their friendship is BAD, its just a pattern of behavior yk?

thats all i can think of off the top of my head rn, but yeah imo shawn is a very realistic take on a guy with aspd whos just like. a regular guy with a mental illness thats to some degree managed, some degree not. very "adhd kid went thru some shit and developed aspd" coded (theres a link; if you abuse a kid with adhd theres a HUGE chance theyll develop conduct disorder and later aspd) (also i guess "some shit" for shawn was the divorce and also being raised by a guy with aspd and being influenced by how he thought a lot)

he's not like, dangerous or abusive or anything, he just has his quirks that can cause problems for him or give the people close to him grief, but its kind of like... an affectionate sort of grief, yk?he just reminds me of myself in a lot of ways. and i like that even in a hc theres SOME character out there that isnt like, a serial killer. imagine having a mental illness and all the characters with it are evil. like yeah theyre cool characters but can i have SOMETHING else for once PLEASE

also lassie has npd send tweet

[themsource]

Frans, Shipping, and Me

A bit of context before we start.

For those that don’t know: I don’t like shipping myself. 

While a majority of my stuff has been and is for the insert enjoyers, I personally don’t like self shipping. It hits on that same nerve that makes me squeak at RPF (real person fiction), it just crosses a line for me. Because those are people with real feelings, and I can’t bring myself to objectify myself or others just for an imagined storyline or scenario. Even when reading it I don't truly insert myself into it.

Don’t get me wrong, I love and have a major crush on a ton of characters, especially Sans and I can ramble all day about what I would do or say in a relationship with him. But actually putting myself in the situation?

No, I can’t do it.

I managed to get one insert art made that I actually paid for myself and… while it did do things for me on both a good and bad level, and felt amazing to have, I wouldn’t do it again. 

It felt very personal, like I had been cracked opened and exposed on a level I didn’t want others seeing just for their entertainment or just because there were parts of myself that I wanted to keep just for me. 

I had received insert art and writing in the past from very close friends at the time, and while I loved them and they touched me very deeply, there was always a bit of uncomfortableness that came with it. Which is why I only willing accepted insert art with my OC Oreo from people I knew and trusted. But even that was and still is a bit much sometimes, because I’ve had Oreo since I was young, very young, so she’s as close to me as you can get without inserting me directly.

When I write insert, “y/n”, is a character. It makes it easier to write as I have a detachment and can enjoy what happens like watching a tv show or play, I’m just along for the ride with my fingers on the gas pedal. If people connected on a level with “y/n” and were able to see themselves in what I wrote, then that was amazing! That’s what I wanted… to be able to affect people and help them feel or experience things that they couldn’t or wouldn’t want to otherwise in a safe environment: so they could expand their perceptions or thoughts on certain subjects or view a topic in a different light.

My insert writing has always been about helping others explore, and even exploring myself.

I’ve learned so much about myself and how the world works with the stuff I’ve written and drawn, the good, bad, and the ugly. There were things I never dared to try and explore for personal reasons… until I started insert writing, because then it was like bringing a friend along, a friend who couldn’t actually get hurt by going on a journey with me. 

A journey that could help both me as a writer and those as a reader to think and reflect, to learn empathy and grow by maybe learning something about yourself you didn’t like or did like, and embracing yourself as a flawed human being just like each one of us are so you can be at peace and live your best life or even to work on yourself if that’s what you were inspired to do.

My insert writing is about learning, and having fun while doing so.

And this all leads into why I love character shipping more.

Characters aren’t real, no matter how many of us might wish that they were. Characters can be objectified, characters can be harmed or loved without committing a wrong against those that really matter, people. There is also yet another distinctive wall of division between a person and a character than there is an insert that makes me more comfortable.

And characters have a solid personality that can be worked with and challenge you as a writer to make work or have fun experimenting to see how they’d react in a certain scene even if it’s in a way you end up disliking.

They’re more limited but so much more versatile.

So when I fall in love with something I fall in love with the characters not the possibility of what I could do in the world.

Characters are what draw me in.

Well, one day I… discovered some interesting fanart of Sans, featuring him and his “light saber”.

And that sparked a curiosity for context.

When I first played Undertale, I had no interest in shipping “the human” with anyone, in fact I had no interest in shipping at all or what have you. Like I said it was like watching a tv show, just something for entertainment. 

The message of undertale did touch me deeply though so I did go looking at fanart and stuff as I was at a point in my life where grief was all I felt and Undertale had managed to make me feel something else other than that, but I was also more into Moana at the time. It’s honestly difficult for me to get motivated to create fanworks for something, to just create. I never made anything for Moana, and never made anything for Persona, which I was ADDICTED to at the time.

I had tried making fanfic in my youth but yeah… 14-19 year old me was awful.

And then the pacifist ending happened.

The absolute SHOCK I felt at seeing everyone call the human “Frisk” rather than what I had named them and learning the name we gave was actually Chara’s…. It made me watch replays, made me spend hours looking at everything I could have missed.

And that’s when I started falling for the characters, when I started falling for Sans and then Frisk.

Frisk, this character who had been possessed by “us” in a word, and “us” that was actually another character we just happened to give an identity to in yet another but milder form of possession, all fitted together like Matryoshka dolls. 

Do you realize how tragic that is?

Frisk was a puppet… of a puppet… for US.

My heart was stolen as soon as that realization was made. I have a weakness for broken and damaged characters, characters that have gone through hell or have been hurt in ways that people normally don’t come back from… because I love more than anything seeing them bounce back.

Combine that love and sympathy I found in Frisk, with the humor and comfort I found in Sans…

And there you have it: My love of Frans and why it’s my OTP.

That love has only gotten stronger as the years went by. 

Another truth I have to share, is I started initially doing insert because I didn’t feel confident enough to portray Frisk right, and character shipping and insert shipping have since drastically evolved into two different things for me with different meanings and reasons for why I do them. 

I really gained confidence in my Frans writing once my dear friend Shay introduced me to several broken down and researched articles by nochocolate that showed me exactly what Frisk and Chara’s personalities were like and how they were separated from “the player”.

And I’ve been on a nonstop Frans high ever since, and will be until the day I die. They are my OTP and I will ship them more than any other pairing, even Insert.

I am very much a “ship and let ship” person, and I have and will support people shipping whatever they please, in fact I tend to ship everyone because these characters are just so great you can’t help but find dynamics where they just work no matter the previously established bonds or relationships, and the same goes with good AU derivatives.

But Frisk and Sans were the ones who drew me in and kept me here.

I’ve made jokes and called other ships OTP in a show of support of fellow writers, however frans is it for me. If I was asked what ship’s hill I’d die on in a war, it’s them.

For me, Frans will always come first.

So now we get to what exactly my dynamics are for Frans.

I like portraying Frisk as female, because I am female. I find it easier to write emotions from that perspective than others, and I want people to love Frisk and feel what Frisk is feeling. I have written Frisk as nonbinary and male before, but I feel those pieces weren’t as good as my writing when I had Frisk as female, simply because I’m not actually of those genders. I will take genuine characterization over a subpar attempt at accuracy that undermines the experience the writing is supposed to give you.

I also like writing Sans as strictly male. Can he change his equipment if he pleases? Yes, he’s made of magic after all, but I don’t see him preferring or actively wanting to do that, he’s male and identifies as a man, pure and simple. You’d have to be pretty fucking special for him to honor an equipment swap request.

A bit of a TMI personal note for this too though in why I like this interpretation with Sans the most… is the fact I don’t like vaginas. 

I have one, and all I care about is the fact it can make me feel good. It’s not pretty or “looks like a flower”, it’s a hole that’s a direct opening into the body… gross. And no, before anyone starts, I would not feel better with a penis or think I’m trangender in any capacity. I’m a woman and I feel like a woman one hundred percent, I just don’t like that one part of my anatomy.

So while I’m willing to write about one vagina for smut, I’m not comfortable writing about two and creating the image that… two working together would make. Can I write two vaginas in a smut scene sure… if there’s a penis involved. I could even write lesbian sex if I wanted if there’s a dildo, vibrator, hands, or whatever. Just no vagina on vagina action. It’s my preference and for my comfort. I’ve read plenty of fics that include that but I happily ignore it in favor of the plot and interactions.

Anyways…

For me Sans and Frisk…

They are soulmates, they are always meant for each other. 

No matter the time, place, ages, personalities, or circumstances, they are always supposed to be together. I may write or make pieces where they’re not soulmates, but they still very much are in my head if that makes sense. This is why I love to indulge in any and all content involving them.

Now do they actually end up together? 

That’s a different story. Not all endings are happy ones. But what matters isn’t the ending but the journey. What matters is the time they have together and how they affect one another. What matters is the fact that they met.

Sans could be a complete asshole to Frisk, a deranged psychopath, and Frisk could be as equally messed up with them both going at each other’s throats, or one of them could be a complete sweetheart that suffers in the name of love and hopelessness, or they could even be in a perfect balance where they’re in a healthy relationship filled with compassion and consideration, but in someway, somehow, they will still just work. 

Even if it’s not in the way others would hope for.

I personally can write pure healthy fluff, I have before, but what I really like writing about is them struggling to overcome something. I generally like writing like that in the first place. 

But with Sans and Frisk…

I always write about change.

What I like most is a Sans who struggles with his emotions, whether that be displaying them or feeling them while hiding behind a calm and collected mask. I like it when he’s carrying that mysterious air about him that makes you question what he’s really thinking or if he really understands what’s been told to him. I like him leaving someone in doubt and constantly on the tips of their toes, before making them laugh with a joke.

And I like Frisk being able to crack that mask, to read through his charade.

She changes him by bringing more of him out from behind the curtain, making him more in tune with his SOUL and even his humanity and all the complications that come with it.

If that’s a good thing or not, depends on the situation and context, but yes always this.

For Frisk, I like her shy and innocent. Someone who’s learning the world at the same time that she’s learning herself, and is forever merciful and forgiving towards those that wrong or hurt her sometimes to her own detriment because she’s just that kind hearted and hopeful for that kindness in others. But as much as she forgives, she certainly doesn’t forget. Frisk remembers and counts the scars she carries.

I enjoy when Sans manages to push her into becoming stronger, to not let herself continue to be silently walked on, and to fight back.

That’s the basis for my work with them.

Sometimes, Sans makes her stronger by pushing her to an edge with abuse until she finally reaches a breaking point and fights with all her strength, and in her rebellion Sans slowly begins to see where he’s gone wrong to have changed her so and gradually becomes kinder, more open as he seeks forgiveness.

Other Times, Frisk sees Sans as nothing more than an empty shell just costing by in life with a false grin on his face and slowly starts overcoming her shyness and reluctance in other to try and help a friend facing down depression, and this slow build of strength and show of kindness is enough to cause Sans to start reacting more honestly to jokes or statements, to dare smile for real even though it hurts to do so.

Then there can be times of bloody revenge - where one becomes stronger to take out the other while the opponent seeks to manipulate their perception on what they knew was right or wrong, and both end up more broken than from when they started, but still irrevocably changed in a positive way that was negative between them.  

Times of tragic love not meant to be.

These are just a few scenarios, but with the same theme: change.

And I apply it differently each time depending on the scenario or idea, depending on who is in the wrong or not. The theme can be subtle to the point you have to read between the lines and really think on what’s happening to see it, or it can be really obvious right from the start and is fed to you with every action and word.

Every time I look at Sans and Frisk together no matter who’s portraying them, I see change.

The potential for it.

And that’s what I love most.

So that is how my Frans works, and incidentally, why I love the ship so much. 

I will continue to love that ship til the day I die and I will continue to write for frans no matter what, even if I lose interest in all other ships including insert you can bet I will continue to write about the funny skeleton man and the sweet hearted human.

They’re my ultimate power couple.

And if hearing this at all upsets anyone, more so my insert readers who I’ve heard the majority of backlash from since I first came out about my love for frans… (Seriously the DMs and anon hate was unreal - especially the... material I got sent and had to report at one point) Well, let’s just say that If you can’t handle me in my character shipping moods, then you don’t deserve me in my insert shipping moods, sorry.

Like I’ve said before, I love my readers and friends regardless if you agree or disagree with me, including on the ship or ship(s) I make stuff for, you’re allowed that right as people. And no I still won’t love you any less for your thoughts. Because again that’s how we’re supposed to be as people, mature enough to let bygones be.

I’m just saying, frans is life for me, and explaining why that is and always will be.

[suddencolds]

my favorite writing reflection buddy, thank you so much for your help with putting that list together 🥰 truly appreciate all the chances we’ve had to be thoughtful about the process together and all your insight over the years! Ok without further adieu..

💘🤧💦🌞 (i’m limiting myself to 4 but i would ask you everything)

AHHH THANK YOU FOR ASKING!!! I was holding back on sending you the whole list truly KFAJKJFKH

Thank you for all the writing convos we've had after all these years!! I've always seen myself in your appreciation of literary fiction/prose and your thoughtfulness when it comes to writing process :') I feel like I've learned so much from you!!

Okay! Onto answers:

💘 - What are some of your favorite things you’ve written and why?

I've thought about this a lot :')

Fanfic:

Bad Timing - an allergy fic (crazy for me, I know), ft. two characters I've never written together ever again? haha. I particularly like the last scene here; I think the caretaking I write is usually more tender. Rosaria's response is neither tender nor sadistic—just detached :') The novelty of that was refreshing to me.

Pretense, pt 1 and pt 2 - This one did not get as great of a reception at the time of posting, I think because part 1 is a little boring LOL. I don't have much to say, except that it's lighthearted and fluffy!

Untrustworthy - Diluc at the scene of the crime again 😭 This was a commission for someone, and it's also one of the few fics I've cross-posted to ao3. Honestly, I write a lot of stuff like this (i.e. similar in tone & character dynamic), but within the niche of what I'm most familiar with, I especially like this piece in terms of execution.

Original:

Fool Me Twice, Part 3 - quite possibly one of my favorite things I've written of Yves and Vincent, ever (and it came so early on in the series, too!) There's a certain character moment in this one (iykyk) that I'm particularly proud of :) And stylistically (as in... prose), I think I'm happy with it too.

Foreign Home - for a oneshot, this is long, but I do like the heart-to-heart I wrote at the end of it.

The Worst Timing, part 1 - this got me through the slog (jk, it was fun when it was going well LOL) of writing the 4 subsequent parts. The entire TWT mini-series is 28k words long 😭 Part 1 I think is a solid opener; I honestly have not worked up the courage to reread much of the rest.

—

🤧 - What’s your process for writing spellings?

I'm embarrassed to say that I've written soooo much snzfic in my life 95% of the time spellings are just something I write something from memory. 😭 That said, I sometimes reread other people's snzfics and with special attention paid to their spellings to expand like, my mental repository of consonant placings & pairings.

When I'm writing 2 different characters, I usually have to explicitly think through how their spellings might differ from each other before I can write them! I can suspend my disbelief if two characters from two different fandoms have similar spellings/snz archetypes, because I'll never write them in the same fic 😭 But if the characters exist in the same universe, in my head, their spellings have to have some level of distinctness/non-overlap.

—

💦 - Are your favorite snz tropes to read also your favorite ones to write? Elaborate if you want!

AHH I love this question!! Thank you!!!

I think the most memorable snzfic I've consumed has been snzfic that has surprised me, either in terms of tropes or execution. When I'm reading original fic or fanfic for characters I'm not familiar with, I like reading things that feel very different from my own work—sharper, bolder in execution, unexpected in terms of direction, etc. :')

I think I have a decent sense of what I am already familiar with writing. I like seeing other people operate outside of that niche... so long as there's still some overlap with what I personally find hot. (So in that sense, it doesn't align exactly!)

That said! There are some tropes which I write frequently which are soooo hot to me that I could see them written 90580923 ways and not tire of them (eg caretaker catching the sick character's cold?? sign me up please!) 😭😭 I also think I don't care as much for trope novelty/new execution if I already really like the characters.

—

🌞 - Do you need a specific environment to write? Like music, a certain time of day, a certain type of place?

The one non-negotiable aspect for me is that it needs to be very quiet :') I absolutely can't write with music on (despite being a huge music enjoyer + songwriter). I'm not good at tuning out 'unimportant' audio stimuli, so I'd rather not have music/sound fight with writing for my attention.

Aside from that! I think I do most of my writing in my room btwn like, 7pm-12am (in part because I'm a bit of a night owl, and in part because the house tends to be quieter during those hours).

[ Question List ]

[levriem]

I‘m sharing what I learned in therapy in case it could help anyone else:

Sometimes healing your inner child isn’t only doing things you would have wanted to do as a kid, but weren’t able to. Sometimes it’s recognizing that some of your deepest wounds, fears, and even coping- and defense mechanisms stem from your childhood.

If you‘re already aware of that, the steps would be to recognize the patterns that come from that time. Those are often fears or little sentences we tell ourselves in times of struggling, or even have in the back of our mind and are „normally“ unaware of. Things like „I‘m not good enough“, „I feel unseen“, „I‘m not allowed to have deep feelings“. And then think about how they‘re affecting us in our adult life. Self doubts? Struggling with naming and feeling our emotions?

What kind of defense or coping mechanisms do we have because of our childhood wounds? It‘s important to mention that those are more dangerous than our actual trauma, because they keep us from working and looking at our traumatized parts. They pull us back into the familiar unsettling feelings we carried with us throughout our whole lives.

Do I drown myself into work? Do I hold others down and pick imperfections to not have to look at my own flaws? Do I pick fights because it might remind me of situations I felt treated unfairly? Am I stuck in a constant fight with myself and racing, anxious thoughts to not have to actually feel my feelings? Do I take drugs to self soothe and feel detached? Do I tend to be a perfectionist and extremely hard on myself? Do I shut down in overwhelming situations? Do I feel like I‘m responsible for everything bad that happens, because that’s what I felt when I was a kid?

Ask yourself. Find your patterns. And try to realize that those are patterns you learned when you were small and wired your brain into carrying them into adulthood.

And then, try to detach yourself from your inner child. I know it sounds impossible. I know we‘ve been living in these constant beliefs and states throughout our whole life, so how would it even be possible to .. put them away? We should be in touch with ourselves, right?

The problem is, that we need to create a clear line in our heads between „right now“ and „what I felt when I was unable to process these emotions“. One is rational, the other one is a crying child clinging itself onto our leg, begging for attention. We need to see that side of ourselves as what it is: a traumatized child. If it helps, think about situations that were not processed by you, but by the traumatized part that demands to be seen. How maybe „I‘m sorry, I forgot to do what you asked me to“ possibly felt like „They don’t care about me.“ and if you find yourself in a situation that triggers you, try to take a step back and ask yourself if you are the one having big, or even a lack of emotions, or your inner child.

Become conscious of that, as hard as it is. Try it. And then reach for your inner child’s hand. Distinguish between what‘s your inner child and trauma, and what’s right now. And treat it exactly like that. If your inner child screams and cries, or sits there unable to move, see it. Imagine it as a second person. A child that’s exposed to situations and feelings it shouldn’t have been exposed to. You can’t undo the trauma, but you can try and hold your traumatized self.

If you like children, maybe imagine yourself taking your inner child onto your lap, holding its hand, or hugging it. If you don’t and struggle with that, try to just tell it „it’s okay. You have emotions. They are valid and you‘re allowed to feel them. And having them must be extremely hard and exhausting. I can support you while you feel them, but I can’t feel them for you.“

If you feel like it could help, talk to your inner child. This could sound like:

„Hey, I know you’re hurt and angry, or even scared. There are people who fail you in your life and you‘re left dealing with the damage yourself.“ and recognize that that’s exactly what happened. You were a child, dealing with emotions you weren‘t at fault for.

And again, you can‘t undo the trauma, but you can try to hold your traumatized self. And you need to distinguish between your traumatized self and your rational self, even if both of those selves are your reality. Its fucking hard, but it helps to remember that in situations of struggle.

„Heal your inner child“ often means: realize that your inner child is grown up now. And your grown up self carries it‘s emotions and patterns. Which is why we try to draw the clear line and try to detach from it. And that inner child has it‘s place in the world and within you, but, if you imagine it in your head, more as someone who walks beside you, and not a second, smaller silhouette in your body. Your adult self is the one who should be in control, but your inner child tries to get a grip of the steering wheel from what seems like a sinking ship for it at that time, and pushes adult you away. And try to be aware of your coping mechanisms, because those are the ones biting you in the ass most of the time.

It’s hard work. It’s fucking tiring and it’s exhausting, but it’s shadow work. It’s working on the blind parts we try not to look at.

If you’re interested in it more in depth, I recommend „The Child in You: The Breakthrough method for bringing out your authentic self“ by Stefanie Stahl. It even has exercises in it to help recognize your patterns, and it’s written in a way that’s easy to understand and catching.

This took me fucking over an hour to type out, so if it even helps one single person or seems like it could resonate, I‘m glad.

[a-trick-or-two-with-lepers]

Religion in Relation to Jesus Christ Superstar

(CW: Religious trauma, slight stream-of-consciousness, imposter syndrome)

It's no secret now that I love Jesus Christ Superstar. The music, the way the story is presented, the history of the musical, and the talented actors are what drew me to it and kept me interested. Hell, it even made me download TUMBLR just so I could interact with others who enjoy the show (which is lovely, you're all lovely and I'm having such a good time).

Sometimes when I'm doing my wholely unnecessary research on JCS, I find a bad review from a devout Christian, claiming it to be blasphemy of the highest degree. This doesn't particularly bother me, as I am no longer a religious person, and I can easily brush these reviews off as extremists finding things to complain about.

I've found myself researching the book the rock opera was based on. You know the one. It's a fascinating story; I don't think many people disagree with that regardless of what religion they align themselves with. However, as with most things on the internet, it's hard to find information that is unbiased (unless I choose to read the full Bible, which I'm not interested in doing at the moment). I see how passionate these people are about their faith, and how many use that as an excuse to belittle and isolate others. This is something I've always been aware of, and it's something that's affected me personally.

When I come across these kinds of things online, I start to feel a pit of anxiety growing in my chest. I respect anyone of any religion so long as they do not use it as a means to harm others (physically, mentally, psychologically - in any way). But when I am presented with a Christian explaining why everything I believe in and stand for is inherently wrong, I begin to feel as if I'm still a young girl being berated for going against the Lord. To make matters worse, I am queer, though I am well aware that any accusations that this is a shortcoming are without truth.

Part of what drew me into JCS is what I and some others believe to be queer undertones. The intense relationship between Judas and Jesus is captivating to me, and I find it healing to examine the story of Christ this way. I had been avoidant of all Christian-related media for such a long time after I decided to detach myself from the religion. Any mention of it brought back years of shame and fear that, in my opinion, do not align with the morals the Bible depicts. If that is not what I am meant to feel when presented with the power of the Christ, then why should I subject myself to it? But when I found this musical, I was so intrigued that my inhibitions became insignificant. I only notice now how unprepared I was for the feelings that arose within me when re-introduced to my experience with religion.

I think the main issue comes with Christians believing they are entitled to the words and story of the Bible. Against my better judgment, and due to my past, I feel sometimes as if I'm intruding on an aspect of human culture that was not meant for me. In reality, I recognize that all I'm really doing is enjoying a story that I relate to and that inspires me to create and live my life as I want to live it. My learned instinct is to feel repentant when any person says I am wrong, especially when it comes to my experience as a queer woman. I read the relationship between Jesus and Judas in JCS as romantic. I have seldom seen such an intense portrayal of homosexually-charged angst, even if that is not how it was meant to be read. And I relate to it. And it heals a part of me. And I may be reading way too far into this, but I'm already devoting so much of my time to this property, so I may as well get something useful out of it.

I wonder if any other fans of JCS have felt this way. Like we are not allowed to enjoy something simply because it is not a story that is meant to be heard as we are hearing it.

My mother wonders why I haven't since converted back to Christianity after watching Jesus Christ Superstar. But this is the furthest from Christianity I have ever felt. And it the most at peace with Christianty I have ever felt.

[oddlittlestories]

So I just saw a Dexter gifset about him “not having a next level” and the reminder of how his empathy was handled vs. empathy & ethics in Woe.Begone slingshotted me into ✨Meta Brain Space✨ come into my Meta Danger Circle ⭕️

Disclaimer that I haven’t watched Dexter in a WHILE and I don’t remember a lot of specifics. Also I get a bit critical of Dexter here, so if it’s your fave ever, you might just skip this meta post and go listen to Woe.Begone instead bc I think you’ll like it.

Spoilers ahead.

I’ve tagged it too so you can go blacklist it if you don’t want Woe.Begone spoilers from s1e1-4.

Okay okay so Woe.Begone handles empathy in such such such a cool way. The main character, Mike Walters, tells everything in retrospect in a detached manner, describing how he was terrified / sobbing / etc. *at the moment*. It’s actually impossible for me to tell whether this character has low empathy or atypical expression of empathy.

Like when the challenge is to kill a pig:

goddamnit! I don’t wanna kill a pig! I mean, I know, I eat meat, specifically pork, and so I’ve just been outsourcing this exact labor for my whole life. I’m a hypocrite if I’m willing to let suffering happen as long as it’s just outside my eyeline, but f-fuck it! I can be a hypocrite. I’m worse shit than that all the time. I’m a liar, I’m a bad friend, I’m a shitty podcaster. Just throw “hypocrite” on the heap, it’ll fit right in.

This isn’t a perfect example but you can see how he has a detached approach to his own flaws that I’m not sure I’ve ever seen in a character.

In episode 2, he talks about himself. How he is with people.

[Mike:] I’m not always the best guy. I remember on my freshman floor in college, a new friend was on the phone with her parents, and she was talking about everyone she had just met. When she got to me she said,

MIKE [electronic voice effect]: “There’s the dude, Mike. He’s pretty cool. He’s not nice, but…”

MIKE [normal voice]: Woof. I’d like to think that I’ve done some self-reflection since then but have I really? I tend to bulldoze over other people and their needs and problems more than I should. And more than I would like, I would add. I don’t always like myself and I definitely don’t like when I figure out that I’ve done this. So, this could just be my reputation finally catching up with me… Or it could be WOE.BEGONE.

This feels so incredibly ND to me, especially paired with the flat tone he uses in the show (it’s not monotone, in fact it’s quite engaging, but it IS flat, you should listen to it if you haven’t)

And the show REFERENCES DEXTER. When Mike cuts off his own arm, he puts up plastic sheeting, because his main real reference for the brutal gory IS Dexter.

He decides to do horrible things for the sake of the game bc he decides he wants to win. He reminds himself that a person’s life is more important than feeling embarrassed.

And he goes on a (gentle) rant about how Dexter is a ridiculous show and the only reason he doesn’t get caught is because the PD in the show is ridiculously incompetent.

But having a show make deliberate parallels between Dexter and the MC by making the MC reference the show (even if not referring to the character). And it’s a show ABOUT a clearly ND person, possibly low empathy, deliberately making both ethical and unethical decisions (by his own framework). HOLY MOLY IT’S GIVING ME THE BRAINROT

Mike unpacks the ethics around half the things he chooses to do. He cares about other people but sometimes verbally logics himself into empathy (in a way that’s often unclear to me—is he speaking that way because he doesn’t know how else to express what he feels? Or because he doesn’t feel it and has to logic himself to the moral decision?)

In some ways you could almost read Woe.Begone as a counter to Dexter. Because Dexter, too, does terrible things with (usually) an ethical framework. He explicitly lacks empathy. He’s handed the moral framework and the narrative pretty much uncritically says “he was always going to be a serial killer. so what was he going to do with that?”

And in Woe.Begone, Mike’s motives are complex. Messy. A little bit of empathy here. Curiosity there. Desire for power in the corner. Fear of consequences looming over him. He wasn’t always going to do Woe.Begone. He makes a deliberate decision. Both for every challenge he completes (as far as I know, I only just finished episode 4). And for the game as a whole. And it’s not about being good, and he claims he’s actually a kind of shitty person. And yet to me he feels like a better person than Dexter so far. Or, at least, less hollow. Filled to the brim with his own internal world.

I’d have to rewatch some Dexter to do a full cross-comparison meta, and I might. But I’m absolutely fascinated by what feels like deliberate narrative comparisons here as Dylan Griggs writes more or less a death game about what I read as a low/atypical empathy character.

[c0rpseductor]

fucking hate fandom sometimes dude

i saw an emetwol fic with a loose premise i thought sounded interesting that was labeled as containing consensual sex. i said to myself great, i do not really want to read about assault right now, i think i'd get too upset!

it um. the actual situation (which was not really like, warned for, the summary was super vague) was that the main character became an ascian and like, did not like emet. but emet kept harassing her and antagonizing her over the years or however long she'd been evil now. finally she asks him "what is it gonna take for you to leave me the fuck alone" and he's like "ummmm sex duh" so the main character agrees to sleep with him if he'll stop antagonizing her for five years. my phone died after this which is likely for the best.

i just, like...i almost feel like i shouldn't have to explain how this is not actually consent? like if this happened in real life it would still be rape because she was coerced into saying yes. consent has to be given freely. rape isn't something that happens solely after a violent struggle. it's so frustrating to me because i've BEEN in the position of being coerced into agreeing to do sexual stuff i didn't want to and like, i blamed myself for ages even though it really isn't my fault that i just wanted to be left alone and chose to endure something bad to get that.

this kind of thing btw is what i mean when i say that fanfic does have an influence on like, how safe survivors are in a space. writing a story that is 100% rape and then labeling it as consensual is fucking cruel and on top of that makes me feel like this person would probably blame me for sexual abuse i "agreed to" under coercion or view it as consensual rather than abuse. and also now i get to sit with a bunch of awful memories because OP doesn't fucking understand how consent works and chose to make that everyone else's problem.

i don't even think the fic is inherently evil or something it was just very very improperly labeled and i think this is something that's easier to get away with in a space where rape is viewed and discussed largely through a sensationalist lens detached from any sense of reality bc it's been reduced to a trope. like yeah i get that erotica is not real life but i do think it has some implications when we've got a stupid fucking echo chamber on our hands where everyone is so fixated on a sexualized caricature of abuse that they're unable to identify or communicate when they write the real thing. makes me worry about whether they can identify it in reality too. like if the product of this subculture is someone writing a story about a character being coerced into performing sexual favors for a consistent harasser and labeling it consensual i just. i don't know about that!