#something something about fate and destiny but still choosing each other ANYWAYS- | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

englishstrawbie · 2 years

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Serendipity (42/45)

Fandom: Station 19, Grey’s Anatomy

Characters: Maya Bishop & Carina DeLuca

Summary: A chance meeting at a bar leads to these two idiots falling in love. Follows canon and fills in the gaps of their relationship that we didn’t get to see on screen.

Also @ AO3.

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I choose you, in this and every world

I didn't fall in love with you. I walked into love with you, with my eyes wide open, choosing to take every step along the way. I do believe in fate and destiny, but I also believe we are only fated to do the things that we'd choose anyway. And I'd choose you; in a hundred lifetimes, in a hundred worlds, in any version of reality, I'd find you and I'd choose you. - Kiersten White, The Chaos of Stars

Maya lingers outside the apartment, listening as Carina talks rapidly on her cell phone in Italian – probably to Gabriella again. She knows she should go inside and make the most of the last few hours they have together – to ‘soak it all up’ like Andy told her to do, but going inside means she will have to face the reality that the person she loves most in this world is about to leave her for God knows how long.

And even though she has had weeks to get used to the idea, she is not prepared for the inevitable goodbye.

The thought of proposing is still in her head and, sure, Andy said it wasn’t a good solution – but right now it’s their only solution because without the promise of a marriage visa, Carina will be boarding an airplane to Italy in…

Seven hours and twenty-three minutes.

With a single airfare, Carina has no idea when she might return. Her lawyer says it may be a couple of months but there is a very real possibility that it might be longer. There is no way of knowing how long the pandemic will last. As they entered the warmer, summer months with more time spent outside, the numbers have dipped a little but as fall approaches, then winter, the scientists predict a rise in infections and the borders may stay closed until the New Year. They might even end up spending their first Christmas together six thousand miles apart.

She hears Carina end the call and takes that as a sign that she should go inside. Maya takes a deep breath, trying to shake the sadness from her so that their last few hours together aren’t completely negative, and opens the front door.

Carina’s ears prick up at the sound of the keys in the lock, something she has become accustomed to listening out for around this time every morning as Maya gets home from work. She looks up to gret her from where she is pouring herself a second espresso, tired after another sleepless night thanks to her body betraying her – as if it is just waiting for the clock to turn two o’clock, telling them to leave for the airport.

Her heart flutters in her chest when she sees Maya step into the apartment. There is the familiar relief that washes over her when Maya gets home safe after another shift, but mostly there is overwhelming sorrow at knowing that the clock is ticking before she has to leave. She smiles anyway.

“Buongiorno,” she says as cheerfully as she can.

“Hey,” Maya says softly, dropping her bag to the floor. She walks into the apartment and meets Carina in the kitchen, her hand slipping around her waist and pulling her in for a kiss.

It is a deeper kiss than usual, both desperate to hold on to each other for as long as possible, to remember how the other feels and tastes. Not that there is any chance they will forget, the feeling of being in each other’s arms forever imprinted in their minds. They stay close, even when their lips part.

“How was your shift?” Carina asks.

“It was okay. Dean was back at work, not very happy that I kept him on desk duty for the day,” Maya says with a rueful smile. “Ben’s still on leave, his surgery is today.”

“Yeah, Bailey was on edge all day yesterday,” Carina says.

Maya rubs Carina’s back lightly with soothing strokes. She leans into her, rubbing their noses together.

“You know, we’ve got some time before we have to go to the airport,” Maya says. “I thought we could have brunch at that little bistro by the water?”

Carina doesn’t jump at the idea, which is unusual, and Maya looks at her curiously, noting the guilty look on her face.

“What?”

“I still need to pack,” Carina says.

Maya frowns, surprised by her admission. “But I thought you were going to do that last night?”

Carina sighs and wriggles out of Maya’s arms. “I know but my last shift was busy and there was a last-minute delivery and Bailey needed me to handover all my patients and…”

She trails off, knowing that she is making excuses. The truth is, she has been avoiding packing her bags because it is too confronting. There is still a part of her that wants to go and see her family, and visit the places that were special to her and Andrew when they were children. But she feels like she is being ripped from her home and she can’t stop thinking about waking up in a strange bed every morning and coming back to an empty apartment every night. She already feels the loneliness of being an ocean apart from Maya and she hasn’t even gone yet.

She sighs, her shoulders dropping heavily. “I’m sorry, bambina.”

“It’s okay,” Maya says, although she can’t hide her disappointment.

“I stopped by to see Meredith as well,” Carina says, her voice wobbling a little. “Doctor Bailey and Doctor Webber told her about Andrea.”

Maya reaches out and puts her hand on Carina’s arm, squeezing it gently. “How did it go?”

Tears pool in the corners of Carina’s eyes. “It was hard, but okay,” Carina says with a small shrug. “She said some really lovely things about him. Told me some stories I’d never heard about things they’d done together.”

Maya gives her a small smile. “He was loved by a lot of people.”

The tears in Carina’s eyes fall down her cheek and Maya wipes them away gently with the back of her hand.

“He really was,” Carina says, leaning into Maya’s touch. She closes her eyes for a moment, before bringing herself back to reality. “I should keep packing.”

Carina leans forward and kisses Maya’s cheek, then picks up her espresso and heads into the bedroom, leaving Maya alone in the kitchen.

Maya looks around, her small apartment suddenly feeling too big for her now that she faces the prospect of living here by herself again. It may have taken her some time to adjust to sharing her space, but now she can’t imagine Carina not being here.

Except that is exactly what she is going to have to get used to.

She follows Carina to the bedroom and leans against doorframe, watching her pack her smaller case. There is a part of her that wants to rush forwards and throw the case on the floor, to sabotage her packing if it will prevent her from getting on that plane later. But she doesn’t because she knows it will only make things worse.

“Do you want some help?”

“No, I can do it,” Carina says, flashing her a brief smile.

Maya feels useless, just standing there and watching. She wants to be helpful, but not really because she doesn’t want Carina to go. Maybe she should just ask her to stay, to marry her and stay in Seattle. She can’t shake the idea from her mind.

The top drawer of their dresser hangs open and Maya wanders over to it, looking at the familiar items that fill them.

“Is it gonna be cold there?”

“So-so,” Carina says. Her question prompts a thought in her head. “Ah, I need to bring jackets for the night.”

Maya spies Carina’s two-piece and is immediately transported back to their vacation in Palm Springs. Their time together had been wonderful and Maya is melancholy for the lazy days and energetic nights they shared, soaking up the early Spring sun, hiking the nearby trails and drinking their way through the local wines.

“I guess you don’t need a bathing suit?” she says, trying to keep their mood light despite the circumstances.

“Unfortunately, it’s not a vacation,” Carina says. “I probably won’t ever leave the hospital.”

She knows what she is facing when she goes back to Italy. The hospital where she will be working is not as well equipped as Grey Sloan Memorial, it doesn’t have the same protective gear or resources or staffing levels. The hours will be relentless, the work traumatic, with no respite on her days off. Just lonely days in an apartment by herself, without Maya’s company.

She can’t bear to look at her bikini or to think about the happier times they had before death and grief became such a constant part of their life. Instead, she heads out of the bedroom in search of a couple of light jackets to take with her.

Maya follows her into the apartment, getting distracted by the news report on the television, another day of protestors filling the streets.

“I keep wondering what my dad is thinking, watching this,” Maya says. “When people were protesting for gay marriage, he said, ‘People just can't be happy with what they've got’. It's probably why I still haven't come out to him.”

She lifts the remote and turns it off.

“My mom went back to him.”

She doesn’t know why she chooses now to tell Carina, but she thinks it is because there is a part of her that doesn’t want Carina to leave without knowing something so important to her.

“When?”

“Couple months ago,” Maya tells her. “Covid hit and she moved back in.”

They keep in touch through the odd text, but she can sense that her mom’s messages are guarded, which means that her dad is keeping tabs on who she is talking to and what she is telling them. He used to do it to Maya, too, when she was a teenager and he was worried that she would get distracted from her training by boys.

He didn’t worry when Hima came round to do their schoolwork together. He never knew that she was Maya’s first kiss, on the floor of her bedroom over math homework.

“Why didn't you tell me before?”

“Because I've been trying really hard not to think about it,” Maya says. “But now that you're about to go into lockdown, I just keep picturing her trapped, tiptoeing around the house, trying to avoid being in the same room with him or closing a door too loudly or putting too much milk in his coffee.”

She sighs. She knows exactly what it is like in that house for her mom and she hates it. She wants to scream at the injustice of it all, that her dad gets to live his happy life with his obedient wife, telling proud stories of his daughter, the fire captain – ignoring the fact that they don’t speak any more or that his son is missing – while Maya has to wave her girlfriend off on a plane into the worst of the pandemic.

Carina senses her frustration and comes to sit on the arm of the chair opposite her, reaching out and taking her hand in hers, holding on to it tightly. She is about to say something when her phone buzzes in her back pocket. She pulls it out and sees Gabriella’s name on the screen, answering it immediately.

“Yes, Gabri, what is it now?”

She wanders off, Maya and her family woes apparently forgotten. Maya tenses, annoyed that the moment was broken so easily by another phone call from Gabriella. She is going to see Carina soon, she is going to get to have Carina all to herself for months once she gets to Italy. Maya only has a few hours left with her and selfishly wants all of Carina’s attention while she can.

It is not like talking about her parents is easy for her. She may have come a long way since acknowledging her father’s abuse, but it still hurts to think about him. Maya has been carrying this burden for the last couple of months, part of her not wanting to share it with Carina while she was grieving her brother’s death, but as soon as she does, there is Gabriella, getting in the way.

She inhales deeply, trying to dispel her jealousy. She knows that it is what it is, rearing its ugly head again. She thinks back on the assurances that Carina gave her when Gabriella was in town.

‘What you and I have is fantastico. It’s ours, Maya, it’s just ours.’

Will it still be fantastico when they are so far apart from each other? She doesn’t know why the doubt creeps in but it does. She watches as Carina floats around the apartment, her phone tucked under her ear as she coaches Gabriella through whatever crisis she is having, feeling useless. She tries to help with the packing, but Carina shoos her away like she is a hindrance.

Carina can feel Maya’s eyes on her and she wishes she would stop watching her with those big, beautiful blue eyes of hers. She knows Maya is feeling sad – she is feeling sad too – but dwelling on it isn’t going to help either of them, not when her leaving is inevitable.

Gabriella keeps calling and Carina wishes she wouldn’t. Today is hard enough without dealing with her repeated crises, but she would never deny her friend her time when she needs it, especially knowing that Gabriella doesn’t have anyone in her life like Carina has Maya.

When Gabriella is calm, she ends the call and focuses on the task in hand. With her clothes and shoes and coats packed, she makes sure that Andrew’s ashes are packed carefully in her hand luggage, along with a copy of his death certificate and a letter from the crematorium confirming their authenticity.

She then makes her way into the kitchen and starts to pack a few items that she wants to have with her – a comfort blanket really. It is not like she is going to have much to do in her spare time and making the most of cooking with whatever fresh Italian ingredients she can get her hands on is one of the few things she is looking forward to.

“You're bringing your knives with you?”

“I don't know what the rental is gonna have and I want to minimize the amount of deliveries we get,” Carina says.

“How long are you planning on staying?”

It comes out more accusatory than Maya intends and Carina’s skin prickles at her tone.

“I'm not planning on any amount, Maya, because I can't, because I don't know. I…”

She rolls her eyes and turns away for a moment, grabbing a packet of her favourite cereal bars, knowing that she won’t be able to get them in Italy. Another taste of home that she wants to take with her. She uses the moment to stop herself from reacting to Maya’s words.

“I’m sorry,” she says when she turns around again.

“It’s okay,” Maya says, feeling guilty for making Carina feel bad. “It’s a lot.”

“Okay,” Carina says, glad that they have reached an impasse. She glances over at the crockery on the side. “Can you pass me those, please?”

She could only find a rental with empty kitchen cupboards and, as much as she doesn’t want to have to carry such things with her, she doesn’t have much choice. She chooses the cheap stuff that won’t be missed if it gets broken en route.

“Carina, I…”

They talk over each other as Carina changes the subject, curious about what Maya told her earlier. “So, you never came out to your parents?”

“Um, my mom knows,” Maya says. “Pretty sure my dad does, too, but I never officially told them, no.”

“Were you afraid to tell your dad?”

“Yeah, but less because I was scared he'd yell at me,” Maya says. “That was gonna happen no matter what I did.”

Carina shoots her a sympathetic glance, understanding more now about how hard her childhood had been.

“I guess it just felt private? I mean, I'd never been in a relationship with a woman,” Maya admits.

Carina smirks. “Okay,” she says, with a cheeky shimmy of her shoulders, drawing a smile out of Maya.

“So, I figured if I didn't tell my family about every single guy I slept with, why should I tell them about the women?”

“Fair enough.”

Maya sees the chance to raise the marriage option and steels herself for the conversation. “You know, honestly, until I met you…”

Carina is distracted as she continues packing up items from the kitchen, but Maya perseveres.

“…I think a part of me always assumed I'd end up marrying a man.”

Carina looks surprised. “Really?”

“But now, I'm thinking…”

She doesn’t get chance to finish her sentence before Carina interrupts.

“I mean, I guess I can see that,” Carina says. “Your dad kind of drilled a sense of ‘my way is the only way’ into you. That's probably why I never want to get married. My parents made it look so unappealing.”

Her confession takes Maya by surprise. “You don't want to get married?”

“Oh no, I don't believe in it.”

She says it so casually and so dismissively that Maya’s chest aches with shock and disappointment.

“Oh,” is all she can say.

Carina keeps packing, oblivious to everything Maya is thinking and feeling right now. She thought that marriage was the answer to their problem, that getting married would mean that Carina wouldn’t have to leave. Why is she only just learning today that Carina doesn’t believe in it?

She gets that Carina grew up with parents who had problems, but who doesn’t? Maya’s parents weren’t the picture of a happy family either but that has never stopped Maya from believing that, one day, she would meet the person she was supposed to be with forever.

Vic teased her when Carina moved in that she had once said that ‘monogamy is for the weak or the very very dedicated’. That was back in the days when Maya sought relief from the stresses of life with her self-care Wednesdays, when sex was about fun and definitely not about commitment. She was different then. She lived by her father’s teachings and didn’t want to commit to anyone while she working her way up the ranks. But she is on track now, she made it to captain and she has allowed herself to fall in love – really fall in love, more than she ever thought she was capable of, if she is being honest with herself.

‘I’m very very dedicated to her,’ Maya had told Vic – and she is. But Carina doesn’t want to get married, so does that mean she isn’t as committed to Maya as she thought?

Maybe she is just scared, Maya tries to reason with herself. And she understands that, after all that Carina has lived through. Maybe if they talk about it, if Maya reminds her how much she loves her and how good they are together – how much better they are together – Carina will come around to the idea.

“Carina?” Maya says, wondering if she will pick up on the nerves in her voice.

“Hmm?”

“I’ve been thinking…”

Before she can finish her sentence, Carina phone rings. Gabriella – again. Maya visibly huffs this time as Carina answers the phone, shooting her a disgruntled look.

“Seriously?” she mutters, ignoring Carina’s apologetic pout as she walks away.

The jealousy starts to build in Maya again. Gabriella has this irritating way of getting in the way and inserting herself in moments where she doesn’t belong, always with an air of importance. She knows Carina better, she has known her longer, she has more memories with her. Even if she doesn’t say it out loud, the message is clear – at least, it is to Maya. An underlying warning that Maya will never be able to give Carina what Gabriella can. Carina tells her that it’s just how Gabriella is, that she means no harm and she knows absolutely that the only person taking up space in Carina’s heart is Maya. And that’s okay when they’re together, here in Seattle, but how is Maya supposed to trust this woman around her girlfriend for the next few months?

Or perhaps she is so full of dread at their impending separation that the jealousy comes not from mistrust but from the overwhelming sadness she feels.

And perhaps she is judging Carina by her own mistakes.

She tries to squash it down again but the phone call drags on and Maya hears Carina laughing, which annoys her. They’re supposed to be spending time together before she leaves, not wasting the day packing and talking to Gabriella.

“Wow, she really has a lot of questions,” Maya says once Carina gets off the phone, unable to hide her aggravation.

“Yeah, she gets fixated on one thing and can't move on until she solves the problem. And I guess I'm really good at helping her solving problems.”

“Got it,” Maya says. “So, not only are we gonna be apart for who knows how long, you're gonna be spending your days and nights with your ex-sex-friend who needs you to solve all of her problems.”

A bubble of frustration builds up inside of Carina. “Every time you say we are going to be apart, you say it like you are mad at me. Like it's my fault.”

She shoves her phone back into her pocket and stands up, walking over to where Maya is packing the last of her belongings.

“I'm not mad. I just…” Maya sighs with her own frustration. “Didn't you know months ago that your visa was up?”

“Oh, so, you are mad at me for it.”

“That is not what I said.”

Carina sighs. Why does Maya have to be like this and why today? It is hard enough thinking about saying goodbye, she doesn’t need to carry Maya’s feelings on top of her own.

“Okay, Maya, all I need from you right now is to be supportive in this terrifying time, and…”

“I am supporting,” Maya insists.

“…and to not make me feel worse about it. Ah,” she mutters with annoyance, “but all you seem to be able to do is worry about how it will negatively impact you and fixate on little details like who I'm gonna be working with.”

She sees Maya look offended at that, but she is too riled up now to stop. This isn’t what she wants either, can’t Maya see that?

“Okay, do you know any specifics about my visa? Do you know what it takes to get it renewed? When I tried to tell you about it, you called it my ‘visa things’, and your eyes glazed over. I've told you three times: no, I can't get a waiver. This is not how the U.S. Government works and definitely not how it works in the middle of a pandemic.”

Her voice gets loud as she vents her frustrations, while Maya gets quietly.

“I'm sorry.”

Carina knows she is, but she needs her to understand just how hard it is for her because it feels like Maya is so caught up in her own feelings that she isn’t thinking about Carina’s.

“You don't know what it feels like to be so easily removed from the place you're trying to make your home. To be kicked out of the country where you're trying to build a life because of bureaucracy. And to be terrified that if you don't do everything exactly right, and dot every ‘I’, cross every ‘t’, you risk never being allowed in that country again. Never being allowed, Maya.”

She knows it is a risk, going home to Italy. It might be a few months, it might even be years before she can come back to America and that thoughts terrifies her.

“Do you know what that feels like?”

“No, I don't,” Maya says.

“Yeah, you can't.”

“So, it's my fault that I was born here.”

Maya’s snide comment causes the anger to boil over.

“Argh, nobody's talking about fault! Why does every conversation about us have to be about winners and losers? Us versus them? This… okay, this is the problem with this country. The borders, the division, the walls. This is the pr…”

She stops when she sees Maya recoil a little, glancing away, no longer able to look Carina in the face. Her heart drops, hating to be the cause of it.

“I’m sorry. I… Oh, I feel crazy. I go from feeling totally empty to feeling everything at once,” Carina says. “I'm sorry, bambina.”

“It’s fine,” Maya says, but Carina knows it’s not.

“I know that when I am excited, it seems like I'm yelling, but I am not… I'm not yelling at you. But, -bambina, it's like…” She struggles to explain herself and opts instead for an apology. “I'm sorry.”

She walks over to where Maya is standing nearby, encouraging her to look at her.

“I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry.”

“It's okay,” Maya says, trying to shrug it off.

“I'm so…”

“It's fine – it's fine!”

Maya shrugs her off, aggravated, and immediately regrets it when Carina takes a step back. All of their emotions are spilling over and neither of them wants to be fighting with each other, not today.

With a heavy sigh, Maya sits on the back of the couch. Carina turns and moves slowly to sit beside her.

“I hate this,” Maya says softly.

“I know.”

“Everything you said is true,” Maya admits. “I was so worried about you leaving that I never actually asked you how you felt. I just assumed that you were happy to go home for a little bit.”

That word makes Carina smile. If only Maya knew what it means to her now.

"Home?”

“I know. I know your home home is in the south. I just thought that…”

She trails off, feeling Carina’s eyes on her. She wishes she could properly articulate how she is feeling, how much she doesn’t want Carina to leave, how she will do anything to get her to stay.

“Italy hasn't felt like home since my mama left when I was sixteen years old, then it just became the place where I lived,” Carina says. Her eyes fill with tears again when she looks at Maya, all too aware of what is at risk by leaving. “I didn't find my home until I met you, bambina. You're my home – and I'm being kicked out of my home in the middle of a pandemic.” She sighs. “It sucks.”

“And you've been pretending it's no big deal so that I wouldn't lose it.”

Carina nods and Maya feels like such an idiot for not seeing it before. Carina reaches out and takes her hand, and they cling to each other.

“I’m sorry,” Carina says.

“I’m sorry,” Maya says too. “I’m sorry.”

“I love you.”

Maya cups her face and draws Carina’s lips to hers, kissing her passionately. Carina pushes her body up against Maya’s, with so much force that their bodies twist and fall backwards onto the soft cushions of the couch. Somehow, with all their will, their lips refuse to leave each other, until they start to laugh. It is a light relief from all the fear and upset they have both been feeling over the last few weeks.

Carina extracts herself from Maya’s arms just enough to sit up and straddle her hips, her fingers working quickly to remove her blouse. Maya pushes herself up to sitting and Carina helps her to remove her hoodie, her hands immediately running down Maya’s arms and enjoying the feel of her strong muscles under her fingers. She growls with need and wanting, murmuring sweet words in Italian as she draws Maya’s lips closer to hers into a deep kiss.

The rest of their clothes are soon discarded after a fight with Maya’s tight jeans that end up thrown backwards, almost knocking a lamp over. For once, she doesn’t care. Hands run over every curve and dimple, lips devour each other, taking each other in, soaking up every inch – how they feel, how they smell, how they taste.

They take their time, too caught up in each other and the moment to pay attention to the ticking clock, eventually collapsing in a heap on the soft rug, limbs tangled up with each other. Carina rests her head on Maya’s chest, breathing in her heady scent. She runs her fingertips through the dip between her breasts, swirling circles across her abs, watching the small hairs bristle.

“I’m gonna miss this,” Carina says.

“Me too.”

Maya feels the sadness creeping back in and tries to push it down, but it is persistent. She doesn’t want it to ruin the moment they just shared, so she wriggles out of Carina’s arms and sits up, reaching out to grab her jeans and pulling them on, smirking when Carina grumbles beside her.

“Are you trying to get rid of me?”

Maya shoots her an admonishing look. “Never. You know that.”

She grabs her bralette and throws Carina’s jeans at her.

“I have no problem with you missing your flight,” Maya says. If only.

Carina sits up beside her and starts to dress herself, although she distracts herself with the ripple of Maya’s back muscles, gliding her hands over her body. She can’t help but steal a kiss, her tongue pushing its way back into Maya’s mouth and sweeping along hers, savouring every last taste she can. Her cell phone buzzes – another call from Gabriella – and she feels Maya’s intensity waver.

“Ignore it,” Carina says, pulling her phone out of her back pocket and tossing it onto the couch away from them.

She isn’t going to let anything else interrupt their last few moments together. Instead, she pulls Maya back to the ground, popping the button of her jeans and teasing her with her fingertips. Her lips find Maya’s and she kisses her deeply, her other hand grasping at her hair.

“Ti amo,” she whispers against her lips. She repeats it over and over again, eventually leaning back, her head resting in her hand. She slides her leg in between Maya’s, enjoying the closeness of their bodies and soaking in her warmth.

Her stomach chooses that moment to grumble loudly, which causes Maya to laugh, as it always does.

“I guess we shouldn’t have skipped brunch,” Maya laments.

“I can eat at the airport,” Carina says. She starts to draw patterns on Maya’s stomach. “You know, being apart doesn’t mean we can’t have some fun. Like we did during lockdown? Late night phone calls, video chats…”

Maya smiles wistfully. “Yeah.” She nudges her gently. “You’d better make sure you pack that navy lingerie set I like so much.”

Carina grins. “I already have.”

Maya chuckles to herself. “Jack asked if it was weird having a girlfriend who's up in other ladies' bits all day.”

Carina laughs too, with a small roll of her eyes. “Jack would ask something like that.”

“I asked him if Inara minded that he plays with hoses all day,” Maya says, which makes Carina laugh even more.

“Stupido.”

It feels good, in this moment, to be together, despite the aching in Maya’s chest at knowing what is coming next. As if taunting her, the alarm on her cell phone chimes, reminding them both that they need to leave soon to make it to the airport on time.

“Oh, crap, we have to leave in like ten minutes.”

Maya sits up and turns the alarm off, then jumps up to finish getting dressed.

“You would think that seeing vaginas ripped open by a baby's head would make me less interested in sex with women,” Carina muses as she buttons up her pants. “But…”

She accepts Maya’s outstretched hand and lets her pull her up to standing, admiring the flex in her arms. She smiles as Maya uses the manoeuvre to guide Carina’s hands around her waist.

“…oddly it hasn't.”

She kisses her again. She’ll keep kissing her until she can’t any more.

“Hmm, I imagine it has made you less interested in giving birth though.”

“No, not really.”

She says it casually as she looks around the room to find her discarded blouse. Maya frowns as she pulls her hoodie over her head, confused by the admission.

“Wait – what?”

“I still want to have a baby.”

“Oh. Wait, but you… but you don’t want to get married?”

It doesn’t make sense to Maya, that Carina is willing to commit herself to being a mom, but not to marriage.

“What?” Carina says, oblivious to the match she has just struck.

“I mean, before you said you don't want to get married. But you do want to have kids?”

Maya’s head starts to spin. This feels like a much bigger conversation to be had while they’re both getting dressed, yet somehow here they are – another bombshell dropped just before Carina leaves her.

“Okay, you know the story of my parents,” Carina says, buttoning up her blouse. “And look at your parents, bambina. Marriage has literally trapped your mom in a house with her abuser. Why would you want that?”

It is not a fair comparison, Maya thinks. Carina is nothing like her father.

“I mean, but we're not my parents,” she points out.

“I know, and I'm trying really hard not to be mine either,” Carina says.

What the hell does that mean?

Carina is looking around the room for something. “Where's the…?”

Maya can’t let it go. “I thought we were building a future together.”

“Um, we are,” Carina says simply. “We don't need to be married to that.”

“Yeah, but you're moving back to Italy,” Maya reminds her.

Carina’s shoulders drop with frustration. “Ah, bambina, what do you want me to do about that? That wasn't my plan, either.”

She doesn’t want to have this fight again. She wanders through the apartment, looking for her shoes.

“Do you think I want to move back to a country that reminds me of my dead mother, my dead brother, and my very difficult father?”

She finds them in the bedroom and sits on the chair to put them on.

“I'm sorry I have to leave. If there was any other way, I…”

“There is,” Maya says. She takes a quick, deep breath.

‘Here goes nothing,’ she thinks.

“We could get married.”

Carina looks up at her, a little dumbstruck by the idea. “I'm not getting married just because of the visa.”

That riles Maya up. A few minutes ago, Carina was declaring her love for her over and over again. Isn’t that why millions of people get married in America every year?

"Just because?"

“You know what I mean,” Carina says dismissively.

“I really don't, apparently,” Maya says with a clipped tone.

“Maya, this is not something you do to solve a problem.”

She sounds like Andy.

“I don't see any other way,” Maya says.

“We are doing the other way. I've already left Grey Sloan. I got a job in Italy, I am about to go to the airport,” Carina says. “We can't get married just because you don't want to be apart from me.”

“That's not why we would be getting married.”

“That's why we moved in together.”

That hurts. Sure, they moved in together because the rules meant that otherwise they had to quarantine apart, but that wasn’t why they moved in together. They did it because they loved each other, and missed each other, and wanted to be there and support each other during every rough day.

“That was just the bureaucracy of it,” Maya says.

Carina grabs her smaller case and walks past Maya, into the apartment.

“And so is this marriage idea. It's bureaucracy. The only reason it's coming up is because I'm not from this country and I can't stay in yours. That's it.”

"That's it? That's a pretty good reason.”

“Maya, you didn't even want this until you started getting sad about me leaving,” Carina says.

“Started? I have been devastated. I am trying to lead my team through one of the worst moments in our history. I have a firehouse full of grieving firefighters and a girlfriend that's about to leave me to go to Italy!”

She hears her voice raising but she is too upset, too frustrated to calm down.

“Oh, I know, Maya! I know it's been a very hard year! Not just for you, trust me!” Carina bites back.

It is too real now, they are literally about to leave the apartment when they don’t have to, when Carina can stay and they can be together, like they both want.

Or so she thought.

“Carina, I love you.”

Carina can hear it in her voice before she says it. “But?”

“Maybe you're right. This is…. this is crazy. Maybe we moved too fast, maybe we didn't think this through, maybe we hardly know each other. Maybe we should just take a break.”

The words hurt, even though she is the one saying them, but it is the only way she knows to protect her heart from getting broken and it feels like she is on the precipice. Still, she immediately regrets the way it sounds.

“I mean, not… not for good. Just…” She stumbles over her words. “We don't even know when you're gonna be able to come back.”

“And so what? You want to see other people?”

God, the thought is unimaginable.

“No,” Maya says straight away.

“In the middle of a pandemic?” Carina pushes her.

“No,” Maya says again. “But the time difference, and you'll be busy, and I'll be busy. And the world… my city… is on fire.”

Carina can feel it all becoming too much – for both of them. “Maya, breathe.”

Maya doesn’t listen, too het up to hear her. “And I mean it in the most unimaginable…”

“Breathe. Breathe, Maya, breathe,” Carina repeats, trying to take heed of her own advice as well.

Maya sighs. “Carina, we have learned more about each other in the last two hours than we have in our entire relationship. I should have known that you don't want to get married and that you do want to have babies.”

Carina starts to rage. “I knew it,” she says roughly, securing her suitcase and dropping it to the floor. “I knew you would freak out on me eventually.”

“Carina, everything you said is right,” Maya says. “I've made no effort to learn your culture or your language. I do not understand what you're going through with all your visa stuff. I mean, maybe we're just not right for each other.”

She doesn’t mean it and she is screaming at herself inside of her head to just shut up, but the words keep falling out of her mouth because – oh – she wants Carina to stay so badly, to marry her and be with her, but Carina is so against it and all Maya can hear is Carina telling her that she doesn’t want the same things, that she doesn’t want her.

“Ah, okay. So, you want to break up temporarily? Or are we breaking up because we're not right for each other?

“I didn't say ‘break up’, I said ‘take a break’,” Maya says.

“Frankly, I don't understand the difference,” Carina says angrily. “Oh, you want to get married? I married you the day I moved into this apartment, Maya! I don't believe in ticking a box and calling that a marriage. I believe in building a life together with the person you want to spend it with every single day. When I moved into this house, for me, that was a marriage.”

It all just feels like lip service to Maya right now. Carina’s words don’t match her actions. It’s a marriage, but it’s not, because if they were married, she could stay in Seattle with her.

“That is not how it works.”

“No. Marriage – the kind the government says is okay – puts an obligation on love. Marriage ruins family. Marriage is just a made up, financial…”

She doesn’t need a piece of paper to tell her that she is in love with Maya or that they are allowed to be together. The only commitment she needs is to know that Maya loves her and will be waiting for her when she comes back – whenever that may be; and now they’re fighting and talking about taking a break, and Carina’s heart can’t take much more of this.

“Marriage is what can keep us together!”

Maya feels like she is screaming into an empty void where no-one is listening.

“Exactly! It is crazy that the only recourse that I have to stay in Seattle, to stay in my life with you, is to sign a piece of paper saying that I will never leave you! A piece of paper that people like us aren't allowed to have in my country!”

Maya throws the word around so easily; she has no idea what it is like to know that the country that raised you doesn’t believe in your equality or the way you love. It makes her feel like an outcast, it has lost her family and friends who think her way of life is a sin. And she is supposed to rely on an archaic institution to validate her relationship? No, she won’t do it.

“And if it's just so much crap, then why does it matter? Why not just do it so that we can stay together? So we can be together while the fucking world is burning?” Maya says. “Everyone is so scared, everyone is lonely, everyone is desperate, and we have each other. We got so lucky, and you are willing to throw that away on a principle.”

“No, Maya, you are throwing it away,” Carina says, her voice growing quieter.

“I am just being realistic.”

She doesn’t know why she says it and she hates herself a little bit as the words come out of her mouth.

“Well, you'll still have Gabriella.”

Carina is visibly taken aback by the accusation. “Wow.”

“I mean, maybe she is who you're supposed to be with.”

“Maya, stop.”

“Maybe we're just not meant to be together forever.”

She doesn’t mean it. She wants so desperately to hold Carina close but the rejection is too much and the only way to protect herself is to push Carina away, even if that is into the arms of someone else.

“Stop, Maya,” Carina says, more forcefully this time. “You've said enough.”

It has done the trick, she realises, as Carina puts all of her belongings together by the front door.

“You still want me to take you to the airport?”

It is a pointless question, the damage is done, she knows that.

“No,” Carina says.

There is no goodbye, no ‘I love you’. There are no promises to hold onto the love they have for each other until Carina can come home again.

There is only the sound of suitcase wheels along the hard floor as Carina storms out of the apartment and along the corridor to the elevators. Maya stands, frozen in her spot, listening as the elevator pings, and the doors open and close.

And then there is nothing but silence.

She fills it with a roar that has been sitting on her chest for the last couple of hours, turning and pummelling the wall with her hand. She replays all the things that just came out of her mouth and drops her head with shame.

‘You stupid idiot,’ she mutters to herself.

She doesn’t want a break – in fact, it’s the last thing that she wants. She wants Carina here, at home, with her. And sure, there are some big things they haven’t talked about until today but that doesn’t mean they don’t know each other. After all they have been through during the last few months, she knows Carina’s heart and soul – more than her own, she thinks sometimes.

Before she can stop them, her eyes fill with tears that spill down her cheeks. She got it so wrong, said so many wrong things that she needs to take back.

She needs to apologise.

This can’t be their end. She won’t let it.

She grabs her keys and races out of the apartment, ignoring the elevator and taking the stairs two at a time. She reaches the lobby and heads outside, her eyes darting around for her girlfriend. There is no sign of her.

She looks down the street, hoping to spot her taxi, but the road is empty.

She is too late.

Little does she know that Carina’s cab has just turned the corner at the end of the road and is now stuck in traffic. Her Olympic-trained legs would be able to catch up easily, if only she knew.

Carina wants to scream but she is pretty sure that her driver wouldn’t appreciate the wails of a mad woman in the back of his car. So instead, she bites down on her bottom lip and quietly rages.

She has always said that she doesn’t want to be her parents, doesn’t want to repeat their mistakes – and their first mistake was to get married before they really knew each other. Before her mama knew what kind of man she was marrying – erratic and emotional. It took her twenty years to escape. Carina doesn’t want that for herself, or for Maya. She loves Maya, she wants them to be happy and she doesn’t want a marriage, forced by circumstances, to curse what they have.

Why doesn’t she understand that, why wouldn’t she listen?

She pulls out her cell phone and dials Gabriella’s number, not even pausing to say ‘hello’ before she starts telling her about their fight and the things that were said. Gabriella barely follows along, catching the word ‘married’ more than once.

“So, she proposed?”

“Eh, it was more of a ‘we could get married, I guess’,” Carina says. “No-one wants to be proposed to like that!”

Deep down, she knows that is unfair. It might not have been a big romantic gesture like you see in the movies, but she knows it was coming from a place of love.

“I don’t understand, are you against marriage or are you against bad proposals?” Gabriella asks.

Carina sighs. “Gabriella, my parents nearly killed each other. They separated Andrea and I. They… they…”

“Okay, okay,” Gabriella tries to soothe her. ”Listen to me. Everyone's parents get divorced. That's not a good excuse not to get married.”

“Marriage is not real,” Carina says.

“Hang on a second.”

She sees Gabriella escape into a quiet room to remove her PPE and Carina feels guilty for bothering her with this when she is caught in the crossfire of Covid right now.

“What were you saying?”

“Marriage is not real,” Carina repeats.

“Then get a divorce in two years. So what?” Gabriella says with a nonchalant shrug of her shoulders.

“What Maya and I have is real, and I don't need a piece of paper to tell me that. And I don't want to run into a situation that we might regret in a couple of years just because of paperwork.”

“So, you're willing to lose her instead, huh?” Gabriella says.

Her words hang between them for a moment. Losing Maya is the last thing she wants, and Carina is so scared that that’s exactly what just happened. She sighs and leans out of the window, letting the Seattle breeze cool her down.

“We said such horrible things.”

“Tesoro, I've known you for half of my life, and, honestly, I have never seen you as at peace as I did when I saw you with her,” Gabriella says softly. “Even in grief you were at your happiest deep down inside your heart.”

Carina thinks about all they have been through over the last few months. She thinks about the way her grief almost consumed her and how Maya was there, stopping her from drowning in her own tears and guiding her back towards the lighter days. She has never felt more loved than she does with Maya and she doesn’t want to lose that, she doesn’t want to lose Maya.

And that is exactly what is going to happen if she gets on that plane.

“You should be celebrating the fact that her country even allows you to get married.”

Carina sinks lower into her seat, looking out the window just as the turning to Seattle-Tacoma International Airport comes into view. She doesn’t want to do this, she doesn’t want to leave.

She wants to stay and weather the storms together. And she will get married to do that. She will put aside the bureaucracy and do it, not because of the visa, but because she loves Maya and wants to spend the rest of her life with her. She knows that to be true more than anything. If signing a piece of paper will allow her to keep her home, it is worth it.

“Scusi… excuse me,” she says, leaning forwards and tapping on the window behind the driver’s seat. “We need to turn back.”

She looks down at her phone where Gabriella is looking knowingly at her.

“Go and get your woman.”

Carina nods and hangs up, then opens the phone tracker app that she installed a couple of months ago, intended to be used when she needs to know if Maya is anywhere near a major catastrophe, so that she knows whether she should be worrying or not. Maya had tried to stop her, but she couldn’t be dissuaded. It tells her that Maya isn’t at home, but almost at East Bay Surgical Center, where Ben is having his operation.

She tells the taxi driver where to go and sits back in her seat, her legs jiggling nervously and praying that it’s not too late. It takes twenty minutes to get there. Carina watches the scenery go by, her head spinning as she thinks about what she is going to say.

She sees the back of Maya’s hair as the cab driver pulls up. “I’ll be right back,” she says, abandoning him and her luggage, and jumping out of the car.

Andy sees her first, smiling at her over Maya’s shoulder as she nods towards her. Maya turns and her heart leaps when she sees Carina striding towards her purposefully.

“Marry me,” Carina says. All the things in her head that she planned to say disappear and it all comes down to that one question.

Maya thinks she is dreaming, or possibly gone mad, because those aren’t words she expected to hear from Carina. Yet, she repeats them.

“Marry me. I know I'm a stubborn idiot and I don't want to get married just because the government says we have to, and I still think marriage was invented to keep women as property, but I'd much rather do something that I don't want to than lose you.”

It doesn’t feel like a good enough reason to get married and there have been so many revelations today that Maya isn’t so sure any more.

“Carina, I don't know if I want kids. And the world is a mess right now.”

“Yes, the world is a mess, and the world is changing,” Carina says. “Right now, as we're standing here, the world is changing, and it's beautiful. We can worry about kids later. Now, what I know, is that I want to be in this beautiful mess of a changing world with you.”

Okay, that was romantic and her words make Maya’s heart beat faster in her chest.

“Please. Please, bambina, marry me.”

Maya can’t say no, would never say no. Her instincts drive her forwards and she cups her hands around Carina’s face, pulling her in for a kiss – then realises she hasn’t given her an answer.

She pulls away with a smile on her face. “Yes.”

Carina laughs. “Yes?”

“Yes,” Maya says, before their lips find each other again.

They stay wrapped up in each other’s arms, tears falling down both of their cheeks, smiles so wide that their cheeks start to ache, lips pressing together sweetly, until they hear Ben’s voice.

“What’d I miss?”

They part to find themselves with an audience, as Andy, Jack, Ben and Sullivan stand nearby.

“We're getting married!” Carina announces.

There are whoops of joy from their friends as they are embraced with hugs, everyone offering their congratulations. Carina keeps one hand on Maya, refusing to let go, eventually finding her hand and gripping it tightly. It is only when she hears a car horn beeping that Carina’s attention is dragged away and she looks over her shoulder to see an irate cab driver waving her over.

“Ah, merda, my luggage!”

Reluctantly, she lets go of Maya’s hand and rushes over to him.

“Mi dispiace… I’m sorry,” she apologises profusely. She grabs a fistful of cash and hands it to him, twice as much as she probably owes him, but she doesn’t care. Her luggage has already been unloaded and she thanks him, turning just as Maya approaches her.

Her eyes are still full of tears – happy ones, this time – and she smiles widely.

“Andy and Sullivan are taking care of Ben,” she says. “You ready to go home?”

Home.

It makes Carina smile. She nods and takes Maya’s outstretched hand in hers, pulling her close. She dips her head to kiss her once more.

“I’m sorry,” Maya says when they part. “I’m sorry for everything I said. About Gabriella, about taking a break. I didn’t mean it. I was scared and upset about you leaving, and I put my walls up.”

Carina knows what it means for Maya to admit that and she squeezes her hand.

“I know, bambina,” Carina says. “I’m sorry too. I’m sorry for being so stubborn that I couldn’t see what was right in front of me.”

“You really wanna do this?”

There is a hesitancy in Maya’s voice that makes Carina’s heart ache.

“Yes, Maya, I really do. I want to stay in Seattle with you, and build our life together. Getting married to be able to do that, it’ll always annoy me, but it was never about you, bambina. It was never about not wanting you and I’m sorry if that’s how I made you feel.”

Maya visibly relaxes at her words, a wave of relief washing over her.

“We probably should have had this conversation before the day you were due to leave, huh?”

Carina chuckles. “Probably.” She moves a strand of hair out of Maya’s eyes, her thumb gently caressing her cheek. “I love you. Never doubt that.”

Maya sighs happily. “I love you too.” She lifts herself up to kiss Carina’s lips, briefly. There will be time for more kisses later.

“Come on, let’s go home.”

#station 19 #grey's anatomy #maya bishop #carina deluca #station 19 fanfiction #my fanfiction #serendipity #this started off daunting but turned out to be quite fun to write

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shifuto · 1 year

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I'm sorry to bother you. I saw your ZEXAL ship flow chart and saw III/Trey and Yuma as OTP. Would you be able to talk about it more or explain more why you like them and see them as an OTP? If I read it wrong or are bothering you, I apologize. :(

not a bother at all! I love talking to people even more about my ships! Thank you for sending this (⁠ﾉ⁠◕⁠ヮ⁠◕⁠)⁠ﾉ⁠*⁠.⁠✧ (sorry this got SO lengthy ╥⁠﹏⁠╥⁠)

I love III, and Yuma, and I love how they look together to be honest hahaha. III has something so terribly lovesick and lonely about him, which makes a wonderful contrast to Yuma's friendly and popular demeanor - as was shown in canon, that was a huge point of conflict for III: seeing Yuma's close-knit family and how he, so effortlessly, got people to side with him, being with him, etc.. while III had to deal with the trainwreck in his family (and to make matters worse, having Yuma's dad involved too)

despite it all, III liked Yuma and never truly held those things against him, and ended up trusting Yuma with helping his family after he's defeated

then, I feel like III has such an important role behind the scenes.. until he actually has to come forward and help Yuma (after Astral was gone), but he didn't simply hold Yuma's hand or protected him, he would fight besides him

that bittersweetness really does it for me: III knew he would never be able to replace Astral, and he probably also knew that Yuma would not have eyes for anyone else, really.. he still chose to stay besides him

I really, really love the idea of III stirring "confusion" into Yuma's heart, by being upfront about his feelings - this is mostly how I imagine their relationship would develop: III makes it pretty damn obvious that he is in love with Yuma and wish to pursue a relationship with him, putting Yuma on a tight spot, on purpose

from Yuma's point of view, it's less about him falling out of love for Astral (he never really does) and more like.. he can love someone else too..!

so III imposes his feelings on Yuma, because he didn't have much to lose, they would remain friends regardless

and Yuma "accepts" him, but it's not like anyone would do (if that was the case, he'd stayed with Kotori, or Alito, or even Vector), and it probably had to do with III seeing them both as equals, I dare to say it's probably because his connection to III resembled his connection to Astral, among other things

Yuma's love for III is born from (and builds up with) so much conflict, guilt, shame and confusion, a sense of betrayal, and hopelessness about being bound to his "other half" - he can't possibly love another, he can't possibly be free from fate, he can't possibly choose for himself.... well, III makes him do it anyway!

out of all other of my Yuma ships, this is the only one I can see Yuma and his partner as "equals". This is important to me because the weight of the connection between them feels much more balanced - it doesn't mean they're the same as each other (they're pretty opposites actually!) or that the relationship will be conflict-free (I believe they would argue quite a lot). They're not bound by fate, or destiny, or childhood, but by standing on the same ground and fighting besides each other

I also love how their personalities complement each other so wonderfully!

hmmm yeah, I don't know if that answered your question but this is one of my favorite ships so it's hard to have coherent thoughts X3

#ask #anonymous

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dulcewrites · 1 year

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The discussion of what would’ve happen if for some reason there was no Dance and Rhaenyra came to the throne is on again on Twitter, many are now agreeing that there would any sort of new conflict, even if Rhaenyra didn’t want it and tried to be a peaceful ruler (which I doubt ‘cause she doesn’t know the first thing of ruling) principally because of Daemon because he like to cause trouble and problems for everybody and their mothers; but that’s not the important thing in this (for me); Rhaenyra’s technically legitimate heir is Aegon III and that would be a problem to Jace and the String kids because Daemond would play his cards against them (and he wouldn’t be on the wrong at least on the eyes of the lords of the realm, his children do are legitimate at least on the books; show Rhaenyra has practically only bastards).

Putting that aside; do you thing that Aegon and Helaena would still be forced to marry or would Alicent choose someone else like a Hightower cousin or Cregan (just because everyone thing he is the epitome of a good men; he got three wives and that caused his on succession crisis) or would she choose some other fate for her like being a silent sister or septa?

Aemond would probably be more free of choosing his partner or destiny, I think, so does Daeron. And Aegon probably would keep being him but with less stress on him .

I do think that who ever they married they still would be in danger of Daemon coming after them and their children; specially if any of the boys have a son that was legitimate.

Plus I think that Targaryen’s where kind of dumb for never tying the largest part of the Seven kingdoms (The North) to the throne, like at some point just honor is not enough for maintaining loyalty, you need something that has weight; lol it would be funny if Aemond or Daeron ended married to a Stark and that caused to the North being loyal to the greens (I just love my Starks)

😘😘🫂🫂

Imo multiple things about Rhaenyra’s situation can be true. It can be true that many people in the realm would have looked down on having a queen rule, and that in a feudalistic society - patriarchy and misogyny reigns supreme. That’s not fair. Just like it can be true that Rhaenyra fucked up royally by having not one, but three bastards (technically five in the show lmao). She royally fucked up by having her brown haired strong boys (named Jacaerys Lucerys and Joffrey) then turning around and having super blonde targs named after kings.

Rhaenyra was set up to fail by even being named heir tbh, knowing the precedent that had been set by her own father becoming king over rhaenys. It was going to be an uphill battle regardless of whether it was the Hightowers or any other family. Or if she assumed the crown.

Anyway I just wanted to get that out the way because people chalk up everything wrong in Rhaenyra’s life to the greens when half of her problems come from her (and viserys) giving them ammunition and emboldening them through their stupid decisions.

As for the marriage piece, in the book it is said Viserys wanted Aegon and Helaena married to each other. The steps are bit more dubious in the show. I’m of the belief if it was possible to keep Helaena in particular, bc that’s her baby and she’s clearly anxious about her daughter in specific :(, close and married off to someone other than her brother, Alicent would have done it. Probably same with Aegon. His marriage would been of the upmost importance. They actually had a lot of opportunities to create alliances with having a girl and three boys. With the way Aemond was basiclaly offered up to the baratheons, it makes think the same would’ve happened to the other kids if given the chance

It’s funny you mentioned cregan, bc though I don’t mind him as a character and I’m interested to see where they take him the show, the way people talk about him… as if he is the stark to end all starks 💀. I saw a tweet talking about how people only speak about him that way because of the targaryen connection. I can’t help but agree :/. Like you mentioned, he creates his own mini succession crisis. Cregan and jace technically do bind the starks and targs together. “Regardless, Lord Cregan and Prince Jacaerys reached an agreement, known by Munkun as the Pact of Ice and Fire, which stated that the future firstborn daughter of Jacaerys would one day marry Cregan's son, Rickon. Cregan pledged his support to the blacks.”

That’s sort of just dropped when jace dies, and not followed up at all with rhaenyra??

Ellard Stark supported rhaenys (it was really more laenor’s) claim and the starks swore to Rhaenyra, I can kind of see why the greens didn’t try that. But imo the staunchness of the starks supporting ANY targ in this situation is weird to me. Whether it be Rhaenyra or Aegon. I understand the idea of wanting northern inclusion fomr greens/black standpoint… but I also don’t get it?? from the northern stand point. Idk it would’ve made more sense to me if they took the dornish/independent approach and just watched the targs slaughter themselves.

But I have a whole rant for about how which houses swore to which side makes no sense in general

#this is long… and I don’t know if I even answered the question #it’s actually best to just listen to nothing anyone on hotd Twitter says… just keep it there #asks and requests #hotd talk

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spageddy · 1 year

Text

theory - diavolo is nightbringer??

this is mostly a joke but yeah. i’ve seen posts explaining why every side character could be nightbringer except diavolo so i am here to fill that void

disclaimer: i haven’t even finished the first game i’m stuck on lesson 27 cuz my cards are shit

nb spoilers ahead

ok so things that could make diavolo nightbringer:

1. he is old as hell and a demon which nightbringer is probably a demon. and old as hell

4. he is crazy overpowered like do we even know the extent of his powers.. he also controls when and how barbatos uses his time lord powers so he has those at his disposal too

2. has a UR card that’s about apple picking and apples are like the forbidden fruit or whatever, what if it was diavolo who gave adam and eve those shits and that’s why adam was stuck in the devildom for a while? if diavolo is nightbringer that explains how adam knows him, also maybe diavolo felt bad for him so that’s why he told him about the ring that could get his ass back to the celestial realm

6. diavolo and nightbringer’s goals are not necessarily in conflict. diavolo wants to build a better relationship between the three realms and nightbringer wants to bring night to the world whatever that means, probably has something to do with the devildom becoming more powerful than the other realms. maybe diavolo wants to become the ruler of all 3 realms so he can make sure things stay peaceful for everyone

73: one other thing nightbringer wants is for MC to be happy which diavolo also wants along with like the entire cast, however nightbringer doesn’t rly give us a choice in the matter and acts like he knows what’s best for us. diavolo is guilty of this sometimes too and can be pushy when he wants something because he thinks he knows what’s good for other people

94. i think diavolo has good intentions but he’s still a sussy baka just like nightbringer. can’t help being a scorpio.. sure he never lies but he’s still kinda shady sometimes. like the whole deal with raphael threatening war if the brothers don’t go back to the celestial realm. when diavolo agreed to let the brothers stay i was like ?? dude they’re gonna nuke everyone what is u doing. his decision only makes sense if he knew michael was just joshing all along (which he probably did because he can tell when people are lying). but in that case why would u go along with the bit like that when the stakes are so high and giving everyone anxiety? not funny babygirl

15. other sussy baka moments are his comments about destiny and shit, knowing full well he has a time butler who can manipulate the past and future to what he wants it to be (this power is probably limited like diavolo from jojo’s power but still crazy to believe in fate when u can literally choose it yourself)

i don’t think past!diavolo could be nightbringer but he might be aware of his other self’s intentions and that’s how he knows we have a connection and trusts us despite barely just meeting each other in this timeline

8. seems like a really long winded and unnecessarily complicated plan to make us go through 80 lessons then cancel that timeline and send us to the past but diavolo has been known to make some pretty big sacrifices for the sake of his goals. he sent us into the past before in lesson 16 where we died but one version of ourself survived so that apparently makes it all ok, also was going to kick us out of the devildom for the sake of his reputation, and some other stuff i forgor

anyway every other demon king has died in combat (with the celestial realm perchance?) so it makes sense that diavolo wants to do everything possible to save his own ass (and the entire world from getting destroyed by the celestial realm) even if it means some of his other selves get obliterated

or maybe none of this means anything and nightbringer is actually just maddi the witch or some shit. sorry for making diavolo sound like an ass i actually like him a lot i just like coming up with silly theories more and solmare’s bad writing makes it easy

#obey me nightbringer #diavolo

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synthetickitsune · 2 years

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Saw this and thought of an angsty soulmate!au (⁠ ⁠ꈍ⁠ᴗ⁠ꈍ⁠)

Kanghyun and his s/o are bestfriends from diaper days. They've been inseparable since then so eventually their relationship blossomed into a romantic one as they grew up. But in this world, soulmates exit and you’ll be able to see a red sting attached on your pinkies once you interact with them for the first time. Sadly, they’re not each other’s soulmates if you base it on this. Still, they both thought what they had was much more special. Much stronger and real than destiny and fate. They always felt like god just forgot to tie the red strings on each of their pinkies before sending them down on earth because they really do have a special bond. Not until kanghyun met his soulmate. S/o noticed that he was drifting far from her despite being with him physically everyday. It turns out it was because of his soulmate who he couldn’t seem to ignore and get out of his mind. S/o now doesn't know if she should fight for her happiness... or his happiness. “Maybe we are soulmates, not just in the sense we want it to be. Hopefully in the next life?” T n T

Oh! this is not a request btw~ please feel free to write about this (and hurt me in every way possible) if it tingled something in your inspiration bank~ but if it didn’t, please don't feel the need to force yourself to write about it! Much love ♡

Oh, anon, I love you... What do you mean if it didn't - I love pain, this is just what I needed 🥲

(Tbh my first thought was immediately to sprinkle some hanahaki on top too because why not? Just imagine the shock (but not really) as the s/o starts coughing up the petals. It's just getting worse each day and it starts to hurt - but what's more painful: the actual, physical pain of the blossoms in s/o's chest or how easy it's to hide the condition from Hyungu in the rare and brief moments they spend together? At least the s/o can wonder about how to deal with the situations instead of how fate did them so wrong. And maybe Hyungu will once notice, and maybe it's going to be too late then to do anything, the s/o having procrastinated too much, unable to even consider no longer feelings anything towards Hyungu. Or maybe they get rid of the flowers and their feelings and they both spend the rest of their lives with their soulmates, only briefly passing each other on the street with pained smiles that don't meet their eyes and wondering what could've been ♡)

But I couldn't just not write anything about this, I really do love you~

“Maybe we are soulmates, not just in the sense we want it to be. Hopefully in the next life?”

You’re surprised by how steady and strong your voice sounds despite having screamed it raw in the previous couple days. You nudge the pebble at your feet with the tip of your shoe, anything just to avoid looking at him or your hands, kept behind your back, and your pinkie devoid of the red string that you know hangs from Hyungu’s.

His stammers of no-s barely register in your brain. They don’t matter anyway. What can they change? What can his feelings change in the face of destiny? And it’s not like they’re as strong as they used to be…

“Look at me,” he pleads, his body sagging as if he carried the weight of the world on his shoulders. It’s like you’re children again. When you close your eyes and hold your breath, you can almost persuade yourself you’re five again and Hyungu’s pulled a little too hard on your hair without meaning to and ripped out a couple of them. Maybe you’re just still unaware that they’ll grow back and what’s breaking your heart is choosing between going bald and losing Hyungu. But you need to breathe. You need to see.

So you do, meeting his tearful gaze. You want to hold him, be held by him, and you know you can do that. Only it somehow doesn’t feel right, knowing he belongs to someone else on a much deeper, purer level. You don’t wanna taint that bond with your unrequited feelings.

“Don’t say that like it’s a goodbye,” his voice drops and you almost wish the wind would drown it out, “It’s a promise, right?”

He roughly rubs the tears away from his eyes and cheeks. You wish you could cry, you feel the tears burn in your eyes but they just won’t come out. It’d be more merciful if he stayed quiet. If he just stopped seeing you altogether. It’d hurt, but not as much as it hurt watching him first become distant, then go day, then days without seeing him. Or as much as it hurts now - waiting for him to make time for you, try to act like he always used to for a couple hours, and then disappear again. You squeeze your own hand.

“You’ve already abandoned me, Hyungu,” you say gently, and there’s no resentment, no anger, just resignation, “I know I can’t understand. It’s no one's fault, it’s just how things are meant to be. But it hurts.” You take a shaky breath before you continue.

“This is where I’m drawing a line. I can’t go on like this, not now,” you sigh. Maybe you were wrong about the crying? “Let’s meet again later - later. When we’re both more settled. When… If… you can be yourself without your soulmate, just for a while.”

He shakes his head, reaching for you and this time you’re too weak not to fall into his arms.

“I’d never abandon you,” he sniffs, “It’ll be just like when we had to go to different camps, right? Like when you had to go to stay with grandma for two weeks? When we meet, it’ll be like nothing changed. We’ll still be best friends and we’ll talk like we’ve never parted, right?”

You don’t want to hear the begging undertones in his voice. You don’t want the hope. You want him to be right.

#💌 non nons~#onewe #kanghyun #onewe reactions #onewe scenarios #onewe imagines #kanghyun angst #onewe angst #onewe x reader #kanghyun x reader #drabble #angst

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tolovewithoutagenda · 2 years

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For The Hell of It.

"Why you?"

I feel like I've been trying to come up with the right combination of words to describe something I feel only. And I've failed at it every time. Not that I didn't know. It's just that, how can I describe something in just plain english, just barreled down to words, without taking you on a ride through a dictionary. What does it matter if I think you are beautiful and stupendious and amazing and stunning and phenomenal. How would can any of those words even come close to answering your questsion.

I guess at first, I was intrigued. If we were truly mirrors of each other, what magic could we create, what could we build together if we combined our minds. I was open to the magic. You were like a magnet drawing me in. Maybe we could be mirrors of each others hearts too. I was willing to explore the shawdows of the depth of you. Almost like the intimacy of showing someone you love an unfinished work of art. Ever since day one I could never understand how you said the things outloud, that were inside of my head already, so freely. While there have been rocky moments, of course, it was nothing I haven't already seen in myself before. And I knew we will always figure it out together.

And who knew that on this wretched planet of 8 billion humans, that the stars would align on such a day that gave us the opputuninty, the chance to even know each other! And then even better, we liked each other. We chose each other. We needed each other. No chasing. Or mixed signals. I was instantly and constantly consumed with every thought of you even on the busiest days. You were always full of hope. Loving for the sake of love.

I wanted somebody who loves the reality of who I am. The light and the dark, and all of the messy places and still chooses me, exactly as I am. I still believe in someone looking at you and deciding there and then that you are it. That they'll do anything to get you and everything to keep you. To choose you every single day. Even when its scary.

You always believed in us and that always inspired me. So I guess I definately noticed the instance that felt different. But its okay to change your mind about what you want, even if its about me. But yeah, **this reality** is what I wanted.

I want love to be a choice rather than an expectation or unbreakable bond or destiny or fate, and I feel like that makes it even more powerful than any of those silly things anyways.

And I decided to take every step I take alongside you. Reminding you always that I'm here. I'm committed. I'm willing. I'm learning. I'm growing. And you're right here with me.

And if any of this still leaves your question unanswered, to put it even simpler, I knew what I wanted and I wanted you.

#writings

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angelsndragons · 3 years

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fjord’s feelings for caduceus changed in episodes 98-99

by which i mean, fjord finally realized how special and important he is to caduceus, which in turn set the tone of their relationship for the rest of the campaign. buckle up, this is a long one.

not when fjord threw away his sword and went to caduceus instead of jester. or when caduceus presented him with the star razor. or after the citadel fight when caduceus gave him his holy symbol. i think things changed for fjord in episode 98-99, when caduceus saved his life and removed the orb.

this is going to require some context.

because here’s the thing: fjord’s always looking for the price, waiting for the catch or other shoe to drop. people caring for him because of him with no strings attached is unprecedented. vandren and the world taught fjord that love is conditional, that only if you hide what others would find ugly and make yourself useful to them will they deign to give you a scrap of affection. i don’t think vandren did this maliciously, mind you, it was just part of his worldview and fjord’s life up to and beyond that point supported it. we can see that right up to the end of the show, where fjord is terrified that vandren didn’t remember him or that he didn’t mean nearly as much to the man as vandren did to him.

so we have fjord, who learned to don masks and hide his truest self, including his best and worst aspects. while fjord made the nein into a coherent group, into a force, a crew, a family, even, he still waited for that other shoe to drop. waited for the day that they would reject him because he was no longer useful or because he pushed them too far. you can see this waiting all over the early campaign; he’s not looking for an excuse like caleb to cut and run but he anticipates nearly all the moments that almost fractured the nein, in spite of that low wisdom score. while jester carried the guilt of not being able to save molly, fjord carried the guilt of not protecting the group in that crucial moment. travis confirmed on talks that fjord’s biggest fear when he lost his powers the first time was that he would no longer be useful and be kicked out of the group.

that’s why fjord damn near broke down at the end of 72. the nein, no questions asked, with their standard level of snark, accepted that he was going to be a liability and kept him around anyway. armed him anyway. declared that he was no liability and that they would help him along until he could help himself and them again. this unconditional acceptance caught fjord completely off guard. it always does, really. because caduceus had said for months, an out of game half a year, that he was looking to reforge the sword as a gift for fjord. he said this to fjord’s face. he did not change course when he learned that the sword was a legendary blade forged by acolytes of the wildmother and moonweaver. the blade was still meant for fjord, even if fjord was still chained to uk’otoa. fjord extends his love and protection to the nein but is still not convinced the reverse is true. he was starting to believe it but he wasn’t quite there yet.

caduceus has a high enough wisdom to understand that’s fjord’s hang up even if he doesn’t quite understand the reasoning behind it. that’s why he pulls fjord aside in ep 75 and tells him that he doesn’t have to choose the wildmother, that there are other gods and other ideas out there looking for a champion. fjord, who at this point considers wildmom his only option (travis says she’s the only one who’s shown the slightest interest in fjord and that’s why he’s gunning for her), is befuddled by caduceus and this whole talk, so much so the pair end up talking past each other for the next several episodes.

after fjord officially becomes a paladin, things between him and caduceus become fairly...unsettled compared to their previous interactions. they talk past each other more, they aren’t in sync enough to double team those social interactions they were just starting to get good at. things are just weird for a while. to me, that’s fjord waiting for the catch, waiting for caduceus to call in some favor or something like it. and he keeps getting confused when caduceus doesn’t. so he tries once or twice to follow in caduceus’ footsteps and do as he would instead. and it just makes things weirder. these two don’t have a moment together that doesn’t leave one of them confused or unsatisfied until ep 87, when caduceus gives fjord the holy symbol and inadvertently kicks off the next phase of their relationship. because here, caduceus tries to put them back on equal footing and fjord recognizes it. caduceus rejects framing their relationship as mentor/student and tells fjord he doesn’t need caduceus to give him answers. fjord is “well on his way.”

by defining what they aren’t, mentor/student, our two boys inadvertently ask the question, “so what are we?” honestly, it’s a question that the entire group grapples with in the 90s as they reintegrate yasha, as veth struggles with the question of changing back and whether she can stay with the nein, as beau tries to sacrifice herself for veth, as jester learns some uncomfortable truths about the traveler, as caduceus finds his family again. fjord and caduceus can easily define what they aren’t - not mentor/student, not brothers or cousins- but what they actually are stumps both of them.

their relationship doesn't look like any of their relationships with the others: beau is fjord's bro and first mate, caleb is fjord's complicated mirror and admiree, jester his crush and first person he learned to be vulnerable with, veth his antagonistic sibling. on caduceus' side, caleb is the one he looks to for a fellow project nerd and clear, unvarnished goals, beau and jester are the sisters caduceus misses, yasha the quiet beloved barbarian he understands better than the rest, and veth a mess he wants to help but can't. but fjord and caduceus' relationship is highly undefined at this point. notably undefined, beyond their newly shared connection to melora. at the dinner with essek, we get the stone bomb. and travis and fjord panic. like no, seriously, they spend the next four episodes low key panicking over this revelation. this ties back to fjord waiting for those other shoes to drop but it’s also more than that.

when it comes to destiny, fjord has always been the answer, the self made man, to both caduceus and caleb’s questions about destiny. he makes choices about who he is, who he wants to be, and takes actions towards those goals. he is one of those rare people who can wear many different masks, take on many different roles, while still maintaining his sense of self and becoming a fuller version of who he is. when I say fjord is the answer to destiny, what i mean is that he is what ioun said way back in c1 about Fate: mortals make choices and through those choices, destiny is fulfilled. he is the answer to caduceus' own growth from passive instrument waiting for someone to play him to active communicator in this conversation between gods and mortals. in this sense, fjord is what caduceus learns to be (this is exactly why caduceus rejects a mentor role; he has as much to learn from fjord as vice versa).

so for this coincidence to pop up, this idea that maybe fjord only had the illusion of choice to extend his service to the wildmother, that maybe somehow he was manipulated again, that there was some grand destiny pushing things and fjord had no say in it, yeah, i can see why fjord was low-key terrified. so is this what fjord and caduceus are: just some predestined grand fairy tale partnership neither of them have that much say in? episode 96 resoundingly rejects that label too. for one thing, none of the stones or clays treat fjord's last name as anything amazing or spectacular. for another, this string of episodes gives us caduceus at his most human. the terror of not knowing what happened to his family, the uncertainty of his homecoming, the relief of saving his family and home, the irritation at the way the chaos crew treats the temple, the playful attitude caduceus cultivates after, it's all on display. caduceus drops much of his placid exterior and willingly allows the nein to see sheer depth of emotion he has.

which leads me back to episode 98-99. uk’otoa’s agents come for fjord. and caduceus is pissed. travis and ashley both said on talks that they hadn’t really seen taliesin that pissed, that it was like someone had threatened an actual loved one of his. fjord dies. and comes back to an exhausted, still pissed off firbolg who is five seconds away from snapping archmage vess derogna’s head off for interrupting his prayer of healing. taliesin doesn’t even begin to relax until they start interrogating the dead fish people the next day. once caduceus confirms the ball is still in fjord, notably caduceus and caleb were the two who remembered, fjord starts asking for a way to remove it. he asks caduceus to start a commune with wildmom in tandem with jester’s commune with the traveler. caleb tells fjord that caduceus fought “very hard for you while you were down, i don’t know if he’s up to it.” having heard that, caduceus still tries, with his first divine intervention attempt of the campaign. and when jester figures out that greater restoration will work, caduceus pushes through his exhaustion, takes charge, and goes through a truly terrifying greater restoration with fjord to remove the ball. convulsing, seizing, shuddering, collapsing, etc.

in those moments, and in the quiet after when fjord confirms that he still has his powers, it finally hits him that yes, people can protect, fight, and love him for who he is alone. there is no chain or other shoe waiting to be dropped here. the wildmother is no uk’otoa, to punish or take power at a whim. caduceus will fight with everything he has and then some for fjord because he loves him (not for nothing does fjord only realizes the depths of jester’s feelings when she uses heal on him). who are caduceus and fjord to each other? they are people who will fight for one another and the others as far as they can. fjord says over and over again that he wants to protect the nein and look out for them because he cares for them. he demonstrates it over and over again as well. caduceus says basically the same thing; he wants everyone safe and happily on their way and will stay until they are. he demonstrates this all the time as well. this is, i think, the first time that he demonstrates his dedication so unequivocally, free of the artifice of duty, fully committed through love. fjord recognizes this in caduceus and caduceus does in fjord.

i say this is a turning point because, while they don’t really have another super in depth conversation alone together, these two start clocking each other and openly help and look out for each other. there’s an ease and intimacy to the relationship after this. fjord watching caduceus swim near vokodo’s lair, fjord being ready to hand over his armor to caduceus when it looks like his won’t be ready, fjord, caduceus, and beau plotting behind jester’s back to keep her safe from the traveler, the absolute offense fjord takes to eadwulf after he spoke to caduceus like that, fjord levels up in paladin after caduceus tells him he’s proud to know him, all the way to the end of the show when fjord shelters the clerics and tells them to finish lucien, we get little moments like these from both of them. hell, caduceus is the first person in the campaign to tell fjord directly that he loves him.

#cr #critical role #cr meta #fjorclay #wildbros #fjord #caduceus clay #prim did theirs so i'm doing mine #in b4 the wrap-up #just barely #and ran out of steam at the end #i'll expand on that later #gotta finish my vm v m9 meta #and the cockroach party analysis

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glitter-garbage · 3 years

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12. — thread

Shadowgast, ~1600 words, gen, red thread of destiny, soulmate au (spoilers for the eiselcross arc)

Sent by @quinn-of-aebradore 💜 ...ps: this is not edited at all (one word writing prompts: send me one and a pairing if you like. I might fill them some day!) ---

When Bren learned he had magic, he also learned that he could see things that not everyone did. It wasn’t natural, he had to focus, and later on, he even found out there was an actual spell for it. Still, on more than one occasion growing up, Bren would see the delicate red threads that connected people around him.

“Those mean whoever is connected to you is your soulmate,” his mother explained, “Can you see mine?”

And, sure enough, his mother had a little thread connecting her ankle to Leofric’s. He longed for his own thread to appear, though his mother explained that not everyone had one.

Bren didn’t have to worry, though. He was only fifteen when not one, but two threads connected his ankle to his best friends of all people. By that time, he had already been whisked away to the Academy along with them and the experiences they shared, the successes, the pain, the power, all of that just cemented their connection in his mind.

Until he broke, that is.

After the fire came the Sanatorium, and for eleven years Bren, now Caleb, did not think about that again. Only when he got out did he notice that his ankle was free. Nothing connected him to anyone anymore. It was okay, he was a garbage person. He didn’t deserve love like that anyway.

---

Nott had a red thread. It vanished out to the horizon, and Caleb never saw the thread move in a way that indicated that her soulmate was closer. He wondered if she knew, for a while. Then, he learned the truth. Veth’s soulmate, her husband, kidnapped, imprisoned. He was happy she had met him though, and confident they'd free him. She deserved happiness, he would help her in any way he could.

Two couples in his little group had threads connecting them to each other from the start. Fate worked in mysterious ways, Caleb thought. Beau and Yasha did not seem that close, though Beau’s attraction was obvious, and cringe-worthy at times, but Caleb was sure things would go well for them in the future. Jester and Fjord’s thread almost made his heart break- he had allowed himself to get way too attached to the two, but neither of them were for him, obviously. Destiny had other plans.

Molly did not have any threads, like him. After learning about his past, Caleb wondered if he had gone through something similar to Caleb, the snapping of a thread after a traumatic event. He allowed himself to grow closer to the tiefling tentatively, allowed feelings to bloom slowly. Molly was warm to him, and he thought perhaps it was another form of destiny that would tie them together.

That had been a mistake.

The last one to join their family was Caduceus. He had no thread too, and Caleb had no curiosity about it anymore. His interest in destiny had all but faded.

He loved his friends. He had friends. That was enough, for someone like him.

---

“The Luxon is the basis of how we've been able to free ourselves from the binds of the lineage the Betrayer Gods left for us and to carve our own fates, choose our own paths and sidestep these destinies placed upon us nonchalantly by gods that use us as playthings.”

The Shadowhand was interesting. Dangerous, powerful, enticing. Caleb considered what he said about freedom from destiny, the ability to find your own way. He had certainly strayed from his path, but perhaps that was not the worst thing.

Essek Thelyss, too, had no thread attached to him.

Perhaps because Caleb was no longer obsessing over what destiny had in store for him, perhaps because he was beginning to accept that his own imperfect path was better than the one that had been set for him, Caleb felt empathy towards the drow even after he had betrayed them.

They were so much alike, and Caleb kept his heart more closely guarded now. He did not feel his heart breaking when they learned of Essek's schemes, and that too helped. In any case, he did not see Essek again for a long time. Did not think much about him. There was too much on his plate for that.

---

Astrid smiled at him from across a dinner table and his stomach dropped. Caleb felt the wheels of time turning, felt again like Bren, determined and ambitious and blind to the truth. Eadwulf looked at him with a raised chin, a smirk on his face. He too remained handsome, impossibly so.

When they walked out of Ikithon’s tower, Caleb could make out the thin red thread that still connected their ankles. He thought he was stronger, that perhaps he was ready for this.

“Race you to the top,” said Astrid with a childish smile, before turning back to the tower.

It hurt. He could feel the emptiness of what could have been, what would never be again in a way he hadn’t felt in a long time.

---

Imagine his surprise when arriving at the Vurmas outpost in Eiselcross, the powerful figure of the Shadowhand could not meet his eyes. Imagine his surprise, when he saw his eyes lighting up when they chose him instead of his old teacher to go down into the ruins. Imagine his surprise when he saw Essek battling, using gravity itself as a weapon, and felt only fondness and admiration for the man. When he showed off his tower and saw the same in the drow’s eyes. And attraction, of course. That went without saying.

It all came to a head when, together, they worked to cast a spell that would shorten time itself and give the Nein their much-needed rest.

Thought it might have felt like seconds to their friends, Caleb watched for long moments, holding magic in his palms to assist, as Essek opened a gash through the fabric of space and time. Real fabric, made of threads of all colors that together seemed to make up what he saw as the world around him. Time seemed to stop around them as Essek carefully worked around the fibers.

“This… Have you been able to see this the whole time?” he asked.

Essek’s jaw was clenched and there was sweat running down his forehead, but he nodded, “Not really. It takes a lot of effort to see this. A lot of energy.”

Caleb hesitated but gave in once Essek’s questioning gaze found his for a moment, “I have always seen the red threads. I- I had my own, for a while.”

“Annoying little things,” muttered the drow, focusing again at the slow-going task of weaving time with his bare hands, “There was a time when I hated them more than anything.”

“You used to have yours, too?”

“Hm? No,” said the drow distractedly, “I hated them because I had none, and I thought I should. The Dynasty looks like a tangled web if you watch for them since so many entanglements are made complicated by consecution. But I never had one, and even though I looked for… someone that could perhaps make it appear, it never did.”

He moved his wrist to the side, and the universe seemed to shift with it. Caleb felt a little dizzy.

“But I had never heard of someone who lost theirs. I thought they were supposed to be, ah, perfect,” Essek smirked, “Unless you did what we are doing right now to yours. That is, changing it fundamentally. Somehow, I do not think that is what happened.”

“Nein,” Caleb chuckled wryly and then held himself straighter, keeping the spell steady as Essek continued his labor. “I… strayed from the path, I think. I did something that was not meant to be.”

Essek looked at him like he was the most fascinating thing he had ever seen, even though the elf himself had the building blocks of reality in his hands at the moment. Caleb flushed.

“I think Caduceus would say that you did exactly what you had to do.”

“Maybe so. But isn’t it hard to know that others will have this… this gift, this sure thing while we will not?”

Essek looped a bright white strand against a colorful, prismatic one while he hummed, thinking.

“I felt the same way for decades. But whatever we will have or not, in that sense, will be of our own making. And isn’t that a gift on its own?”

---

The moonlight shone down on the beach, turning the sea a glittering mass of waves. Other than the full moon, magical globes and luminescent beetles illuminated the space around them. Their friends gathered around smiling tearfully in perfect dissonance. Caleb himself felt his heart beating so fast he thought it might leave his ribcage and seek quietude somewhere far away from his anxiety-ridden body. He stood beside Caduceus, who hummed a sweet song under his breath as they waited.

Finally, the glittering door at the end of the path opened, and Essek slipped out, bare feet delicately touching the sand. Jester came from behind him, and once their arms were locked, they walked on slowly, passing their friends and family on the way to Caleb and Caduceus.

He looked stunning in delicate iridescent robes, and Caleb tried to swallow down his anxiety. Violet eyes framed by silver lines, mouth poised in a gentle smile, cheeks flushed, Essek walked slowly until he was face to face with his intended.

Essek reached for his hand, and they stood silently, gazes locked while Caduceus conducted the ceremony. When it was time, Caleb drew a small spool of red thread from his pocket. Gently, he took Essek’s hand in his and tied a knot around his little finger. He offered the spool, and Essek repeated the gesture, biting his lips nervously. Caduceus cut the remaining thread, leaving their hands connected.

“You are now joined together, not by destiny, but by your own choice. I think that’s very nice,” Caduceus smiled placidly until Veth cleared her throat, “Oh yeah. You guys can kiss now.”

Caleb smiled at the phrasing. He lifted his hand, pulling Essek’s forward until the drow was close enough for him to count his freckles. Their hands tingled as he came impossibly closer. Essek’s mouth was warm against his.

For the first time in Caleb's life, he felt destiny favored him.

---

#critical role fanfiction #critical role #shadowgast #soulmate au #writing prompt #cute

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shihalyfie · 3 years

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Kizuna itself vs. the two versions of the novel

Written on request from a friend who wanted to remain anonymous. This is more of an editorial than a meta, and while I usually have a policy of “this is an analysis blog, not a review blog” it goes into more of my personal impressions and opinions than usual, but it’s something I write hoping to be helpful.

There are basically three “official” full versions of Kizuna: one being, of course, the movie itself, one being the Dash X Bunko version of the novel, and one being the Shueisha Mirai Bunko version of it. While it’s certainly not to say that any of the three is an “incomplete” version of the narrative, if you really want as full of a picture of the story as possible, somehow, each of all three versions of the story happens to have really important information that the other two do not. If I had to pick only one of these three versions to recommend to people, I would of course pick the movie itself; it’s obviously the base story everything else is based off of and was the one the production centered around as a priority, but the novelizations have a surprising amount of info that provide a lot of insight into the movie’s story and themes.

I get the impression that the creation of Kizuna involved making a lot more story and background details than could fit in a 95-minute movie, so these novelizations, which were based directly off the original movie script, ended up being an outlet for a lot of these details (and as much as I could be harsh on the movie itself for being a bit “reliant” on extra material, I have to admit that Adventure and 02 were both like this too -- a lot of our current understanding of the series comes from the Adventure novels and drama CDs -- so frankly I’m thankful we at least got this with a 95-minute movie instead of a yearlong series). On the flip side, while I'm not going to say that the novels are completely and utterly inaccurate representations of the movie, in a perhaps too-close approximation of Adventure and 02's writing style, this is a movie where even the nuances in a single line or split-second moment carry heavy implications, which become much blurrier or harder to identify when they’re presented differently (or not even presented at all) in the novel’s context, especially when they emphasize very different things from what the movie itself was emphasizing.

The short version of this is that I believe the Dash X version contains the greater amount of “plot and story” information but significantly misses out on the emotional themes and presentation, whereas the Shueisha Mirai version abridges and cuts chunks of content but is much better at conveying the intended message. More on this below the cut. (Note that the following post spoils Kizuna’s plot events.)

The movie itself

Since the following parts are more “in comparison to the movie”, I’m not going to go too much into this in this section, but one thing I will say is that the official English subtitle translation for the movie is really not great. Even if you take out nitpickiness about the fact it misses several significant nuances (the difference between “unchangeable fate” and “changeable destiny”, or the fact that Gennai refers to partnership dissolution as a “case” and not like it’s something that happens overall) at really plot-important moments, some lines (thankfully, usually not plot-important ones) are just straight-up incorrect. And worse, there’s evidence the official English dub was based on that translation! (I’m not faulting the people in charge of the dub for this, but whoever handed them that translation to work with.)

The dialogue in the Dash X Bunko version is transcribed effectively word-for-word from the dialogue in the movie (or perhaps vice versa, given that the novel is based on the original script), so I highly recommend checking that version as a reference for dialogue or if you want to do any intimate analysis on it. I don't want to go as far as to suggest not supporting the official version of the movie because of this, but at least please be aware that the translation used there is not entirely reliable.

Dash X Bunko

If you talk about “the Kizuna novel”, this is the one that people usually tend to be referring to, for two reasons. Firstly, it was translated shortly after the movie’s release, and due to the unfortunate circumstances of Kizuna being delayed in accessibility outside Japan for several months, this basically served as the only comprehensive source of info about the movie outside Japan for a very long time. Secondly, in Japan, this one was marketed as “the one for adults” in contrast to the Shueisha Mirai one being “for kids”, which meant that a lot of people assumed that the latter one was just an incredibly stripped down version that was otherwise disposable or replaceable. (This is very, very much not the case, and is extremely ironic when it comes to a movie that partially centers around the dangers of looking down too much on things associated with childhood.)

When it comes to “plot and story info”, this is the one that probably serves as the best reference (especially for fanfic writers or those who need a refresher on certain plot events or to look up something quickly), and probably has the most “comprehensive” listing of plot events surrounding the movie. The dialogue in it is a word-for-word recreation of the movie’s script, and actually includes more scenes than the movie itself does, including two that I suspect to be deleted scenes (a detailing of the specifics behind the initial plan to pursue Eosmon, and a conversation between Koushirou and Tentomon) and adaptations of the first and second memorial shorts within their context in the movie. It also contains some interesting background details and extra context for some things in the movie that you might think would normally be animation flair or something, but take a very interesting implication of story importance if they’re going out of their way to write this in the script. (There’s a scene where Agumon and Gabumon appear in front of their partners when they’d been behind them a minute before, and it’s easy to think this might be an animation error, but not only does the surrounding context make this unlikely, the novel itself actually directly states that their positions had changed.) Given that, I think it was very fortunate that this novel was available to us for those outside Japan waiting for the actual movie to come out, because this level of detail was very important to have on hand rather than fragmented spoilers on social media.

However, the part where I think the novel is significantly deficient in compared to the actual movie (and also to the other version of the novel) is that it describes the plot events in too blunt of a manner and doesn’t bring out its themes very well. (It’s kind of like having a long and very detailed Wikipedia article plot summary; it definitely got all the hard facts down, but the emotion is gone, which is still a pretty significant issue when media’s all about the feelings and message in the end.) While “considering the movie to be more cynical than it’s probably meant to be” happens regardless of which version someone’s working from, I’ve talked to perhaps an unnervingly high number of people who started with the novel and were absolutely convinced that the movie’s message was about adulthood sucking and needing to just accept it, until they saw how the actual movie pulled it off and the surrounding atmosphere and realized it definitely was not. (I think one really big factor here is that a lot of the visual imagery makes it extremely, extremely hard to miss that Menoa’s mentality is completely screwed up and her way of seeing things was dubious to begin with; prose descriptions really just don’t capture the way they slam this in your face with visual and musical cues during the climax of the movie.)

You can figure this out from the novel itself, but you have to really be looking closely at the way they word things, and on top of that it’s hard to figure out which parts you should be focusing on and which parts aren’t actually that important -- in other words, the “choice of priorities” gets a bit lost in there. Even the little things lose a lot of value; it’s theoretically possible to use the novel to put together that Daisuke is wearing his sunglasses indoors during his first scene, but you have to put together the context clues from completely different paragraphs to figure this out, none of which compares to the actual hilarity of visually seeing him wearing the thing in a very obviously dimly lit restaurant because he’s our beloved idiot. (For more details, please see my post with more elaboration on this and more examples of this kind of thing.)

I wouldn’t say that the movie itself isn’t guilty of (perhaps accidentally) having some degree of mixed messaging, but I would say this problem is rather exacerbated by the novel’s way of presenting it due to its dedication to dropping every single plot detail and event without much in the way of choosing what to contextualize and what to put emphasis on (as it turns out, treating practically everything in the movie as if it has equal weight might not be a great idea). So, again, for that reason I think the novel serves as a good reference in terms of remembering what happened in it and knowing the movie’s contents, but I also feel that it’s really not the greatest deliverer of the movie’s message or themes at all.

Shueisha Mirai Bunko

The second version of the novel was not translated until several months after the movie first released, and shortly before the Blu-ray and streaming versions of the movie itself came out anyway, so my impression is that on this end a lot of people don’t even know it was a thing. On top of that, even those who know about it often dismiss it as the “kid version” -- and to be fair, it did baffle quite a few people as to why this version even exists (Kizuna is technically not unacceptable for kid viewing and its plot is still understandable regardless of age, but since the movie is so heavily about the millennial existential crisis, it’s not something kids would really relate to). So a lot of people tended to just skip over it...which is really a shame, because it contains some interesting things that actually aren’t in the other two versions at all. For instance, did you know that, as of this writing, this is the only thing that plainly states the specific explanation for why Yamato decided to become an astronaut, for the first time in 20 real-life years?

While there are still some things that weren’t in the movie proper (mainly the Eosmon initial plan and the adaptation of the second memorial short), for the most part, the actual events are somewhat abridged compared to the movie and the Dash X version, and other than a few stray lines, there’s not a lot of extra information that would be as helpful for referencing the events of the plot. The version of the novel here is rather broadly interpretive of the scenes in the movie, so several things are condensed or taken out (and, amusingly, because it’s assuming that the kids reading this don’t actually know the original Adventure or 02, it has to describe what each character is like in a quick one-liner).

However, interestingly enough, it’s because it’s so heavily interpretive that it illuminates a lot of things that weren’t really easy to glean out of the Dash X version. For instance:

Some scenes are described with “other perspectives” that give you info on someone else’s point of view. (For instance, we see more of Yamato’s perspective and thoughts when he has his first phone call with Daisuke, or a bit more detail in the process of how Eosmon kidnappings work.)

We get a lot more information on what’s going through everyone’s heads during each scene, and what emotions they’re feeling at a given time. (This is something that you could at least get to some degree in the movie itself from facial expressions and framing, but would often be a lot blurrier in the Dash X version; here, it’s spelled out in words.)

When things are abridged, you get a clearer idea of what the intended point and theme of the scene was because it’s stripped down to include only that part. In one really interesting case, the scene with Agumon finding Taichi’s AVs has a “censored” equivalent where Taichi’s pushed to a corner because he can’t find anything non-alcoholic in his fridge -- so when you look at the two versions of the scene and what they have in common, you can figure out that the point isn’t that it was a lewd joke for the sake of it, but rather that Taichi’s forcing himself into boxes of “adulthood” that are actually meaningless and impractical.

Some of the descriptions of the characters, scenes, and background information make it a lot more obvious as to their purpose in the narrative (it outright confirms that Miyako being in Spain means that her personality is getting overly enabled there).

The scene where the circumstances behind Morphomon’s disappearance are revealed makes it significantly less subtle what the point is. In the actual movie, a lot of this involved visual framing with Menoa seeming to become more and more distant, but in this version of the novel they basically whack you over the head with the final confirmation that Menoa is guilty of neglecting her own partner, which contradicts her own assertions that “they were always together” (maybe not emotionally, it seems!) and helps clarify the commonality between her, Taichi, Yamato, and Sora in what exactly led to their partners disappearing.

Bonus: this version of the novel really wants you to know that the ending of the movie is about Taichi and Yamato fully having the determination to turn things around and lead up to the 02 epilogue. (The movie’s version of this involves the extended version of Taichi’s thesis and the credits photo with Yamato obviously next to a rocket, while this novel’s version involves more detailed fleshing out of how Taichi and Yamato decided to use their experiences to move onto their eventual career paths and what kind of hope they still have at the end. The Dash X version...didn’t really have a very strong equivalent here.)

In other words, while this version of the novel isn’t the greatest reference for plot or worldbuilding, it does a much more effective job being straightforward about the intended themes and message of the movie, and even if the scenes in it are much more loosely adapted, it’s much better at adapting the emotional nuances of the things that would normally be conveyed via visuals, expressions, and voice acting. (Although I would still say that the movie itself is the best reference for that kind of thing, of course.) If you just want lore or plot ideas, I don’t think it’ll help you very much, but since this series is so much about characters that had their ways of thinking fleshed out in such incredible detail, and about strong theme messaging, this is all still very valuable information in its own way.

#digimon #digimon adventure last evolution kizuna #kizuna spoilers #shihameta

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