breathing-underwater1 - Tumblr blog

[breathing-underwater1]

I’m simultaneously the most obsessive most detached girl in the world

[breathing-underwater1]

[breathing-underwater1]

I don’t know where the fuck my life is going

[breathing-underwater1]

i was just a kid who wanted to be loved

[breathing-underwater1]

bittersweet heartbreak

We kissed, the world started spinning, the air runned out of my lungs and I was as irrevocably in love with her again. The first thing I felt were her soft and warm lips, their warmth spread through my whole body, I didn’t know a kiss could reach that far into my body, I touched her cheek and it felt like silk against my hand, im just realizing this is the last time I get to touch her like that, like I was drowning and her skin was the only air left in the planet, I strike her hair, gently, afraid one of us is gonna break if I make a sudden move. It was the deepest kiss ive ever had, and its probably the las one, I cant bear this thought, all of a sudden I realize what this goodbye means, I will never kiss her again, I will never touch her again, I will never talk to her for hours until one of us falls asleep and the other has to turn off the lights, I will never hug her small and perfect body, we will never dance in her room at 3am, I will never see her eyes light up when I walk into a room, I will never see her stare at me and then smile and bury her face in my chest as he closes her eyes, I will never watch a movie alone because she fell asleep, I will never be the me that existed only with her, there is no us anymore. And I start shaking, I want to cry but I know if I start I wont stop for 3 days, I know this is the right thing t do im sure of it, but how can something right feel so wrong and sad and bad and heartbreaking and claustrophobic, I cant breathe but I just listen to her heartbeat, I can tell shes also one second away of falling apart but surprisingly that calms me, so I breathe, and I feel her hold on tighter to me, I try to breathe her in, to take everything in, the smell of her hair, the softness of her skin, the sound of her breathing, the feeling of her whole body grasping mine like a lifesaver, and I realize I don’t know how im gonna live without her, I cant imagine not feeling any of this things ever again, im terrified, but i cant back down now, the truth is I cant give her what she wants right now, it wouldn’t be fair to her, she deserves the whole galaxy and im just a star. I pull back and stare at her, her big wide eyes pierce my soul and I could tell you exactly in what part of my heart I can feel her sight. I try to say something buet I cant, I feel my vocal cords trembling just by thinking the words, I have to say goodbye, I know that, but I cant move, I kiss her forehead and feel her sigh, I want to take that air and give it back to her, I don’t want her to feel like this, I cant bear the thought that I made her feel like this, but its true, its all my fault, I have to go. I stare into her eyes again, as mine fill with tears so does hers.

"I forgive you, I forgive you everything, everytime, everywhere, what happened in the past, whats happening now and everything that can happen later"

I feel a knot in mi throat and I cant swallow it, so I just shake my head, I cant let her do this

"Yes, yes I do, for you ill do it"

"I cant ask you to do that, I don’t want you to, you have every right to feel everything you have felt and you have the right to hate me, I don’t deserve you"

She smiles

"I cant hate you, I could never feel that way about you, I love you"

"I love you more"

We both smile and suddenly I realize this is the last time well ever hear each other say this, we hug again for what feels like an hour and I know that I have to go but I cant move, I can feel every thought and every bone in my body telling me to go but my feet wont move, I have no control over them, this goodbye feels like it going on forever, but I don’t care, if it was for me I would never let this moment end, because even if its sad, it’s a moment with her. My phone rings, my uber is here, I turn to her and I can see the fear in her eyes, this is it, I kiss her forehead.

"I love you"

And I leave, I walk out the door and I don’t look back, I know if I do it ill run back to her. I get into the car and I can see her in the window, crying as she lits up a cigarette, I start crying, I feel how my heart breaks into one million pieces and I feal each of them breaking into another million ones. I cant do this, I cant and I don’t want to be without her, but I have to stop being so selfish, I have to let her go, so I try to breathe, im not crying anymore, I just feel my whole body hurting, I can feel the physical pain of her leaving my life, I stare out the window hoping to see something that distracts me but everything is blurry, guess im still crying. When will this stop? I haven’t cried in years, I haven’t felt anything in years, ive closed myself up for this reason, everything ends, there is no exception, but this, the pain, is worth feeling, because I can feel my world falling on top of me and pushing me down a hole, I feel a hole in my whole body, in my arms I feel her body, I feel her skin in my fingertips, I can still feel her leg wrapped around mine, I can feel her heart beating against my chest, I can feel her in every bone of my body and that’s how I know its worth it, cause she touched every single part of my soul, I can feel her gone because she was there and that’s a feeling I wouldn’t change for anything in the world, so I keep trying to control my breathing, I have to be strong, its gonna hurt like hell for a while, but I know it’s the right thing to do. But im starting to believe the end of us is the end of me.

[breathing-underwater1]

Sat at work and all you can think about is how nice it would be to die right now, or to have a horrible accident and not be alive any longer

[breathing-underwater1]

[breathing-underwater1]

“People are going to disappoint you, I get that… I kind of expect that, but I dont know, what if you wake up one day and realise that you’re the disappointment.”

— Peyton Sawyer

[breathing-underwater1]

I should have been dead by now……

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[breathing-underwater1]

I'm scared of who I'm becoming

[breathing-underwater1]

[breathing-underwater1]

art + lemony snicket

x x x x x

[breathing-underwater1]

the hardest thing is when ur going through something terrible there is an awful middle phase of it when u don’t know if u can get through it or if you’ll ever be okay again and the truth is always you will get through it and you will absolutely be okay again but u just cant see it at the time

[breathing-underwater1]

out of reach // 3.13.2019

[breathing-underwater1]

If the full moon loves you, why worry about the stars?

Tunisian Proverb (via perfectquote)

[breathing-underwater1]

“Where do you see yourself in the future”

Bb I don’t. I do not. I do not see myself. There is no future.