#something something about cycles of hate and never forgiving yourself and not understanding how to deal with emotions

[simcardiac-arrested]

a problem you can’t just solve

[lamentationsofalonelypotato]

Chapter 2: Late Night Visitor

Pairing: Soldier Boy x f!reader, Reader POV

Summary: When the reader left Payback 40 years ago after a falling out with her childhood best friend she never looked back, but when two men show up to her apartment and start asking her questions about the past, the reader begins to think those things can’t stay hidden and starts to question what’s real and what’s fantasy.  This is a re-telling of The Boys Season 3, where the reader is a supe who's known Soldier Boy since 1927. The chapters will fluctuate between past and present. This is chapter two of my "You Call It Madness But I Call It Love" series. (I'm so bad at summaries please forgive me!)

Word Count: 2.3K

Warnings: References to sex, Cursing (once or twice), Soldier Boy might be, is, really, absolutely, a little OOC,

Note: This is told from Reader's perspective. Any references to the reader is made using you or your. There is minimal use of y/n. Reader is described as being "curvy." I tried my best to proofread, but nobody's perfect. If you don’t like, don’t read, but if you do like, you’re my favorite!

Internal Monologue is in first person and is in italics

Masterlist

Series Masterlist

Chapter 1

1934 Philadelphia

The subtle scratch of your pencil against the smooth page of the sketchbook filled your quiet bedroom. One look at the ticking clock on your bedside table stated that it was past midnight, but you didn't care. The dark circles under your eyes the next morning were well worth it, tiredness forgotten as the haze of creativity dulled the weariness of the day you'd had.

It was your fifteenth birthday, and although your parents had thrown you a lavish party to prove that the y/l/n family had not been touched by the destruction of the depression and were not concerned with the horrors of war overseas, there was only one person that you wanted to be there.

Ben wasn't of course. He was still at boarding school number five, and you imagined that a number six was already in order, given his track record.

You smile to yourself when you think of your best friend. You hadn't seen him in two months, not since you walked with him to the train station and he tried to act like he didn't care that his father was sending him away again, but you knew he did.

The things that Ben's father said and did to him made anger surge behind your ribcage. You didn't understand how his father could be so callous, so uncaring. You also hate that it drove Ben to drink, though Ben didn't seem to drink quite as much when you were around, because he knew that you didn't like it.

The party would have been more entertaining if he was there. Yes he did tend to get drunk and flirt with whatever walked past him, but he always had a way of cheering you up. And he had a wonderful knack for keeping your mother at a distance, who prayed that Ben would stay away from you, but never did.

If he was there your mother wouldn't have hovered over you all night, slapping away your hand every time you tried to take a piece of cake or hiss something at you when you pulled at the itchy pink dress that she brought home three days ago, your least favorite color. When you got dressed for the party you felt like a porcelain doll in a China cabinet, made to be looked at, but never touched.

It wasn't too far off. Being the only daughter of one of the richest families that lived in Philadelphia your reputation and pedigree were two of the most important things to your mother. It meant that in a few years you would be married off to another rich family, have rich babies, and then put your own daughter through the same cycle of hell all over again.

Suitors were already beginning to trickle into your life, sons of your father’s business partners each screened by your mother before the introductory meetings where you felt bored, stiff,  choked by the thick fabric of the dresses your mother picked out, and plastered with makeup. All of course the best of Europe, which you had no idea how your mother managed to get given that there was a war on.

Ben was the only thing in your life that wasn't planned and you loved him for it.

You look up at the dark corner of your room to get a view of the long shadows that creep along the bedroom floor, and cut through the light coming from the gas lantern on your bedside table. You try to distinguish the sharp edges and smooth curves and watch them take shape beneath the ministrations of your pencil against the page.

Art was your only escape, the only thing you did that your mother approved of.

"A proper lady should have a hobby." She had sniffed, but then narrowed her eyes at the graphite and ink stains on you hands.

Part of the fun is the mess. You had thought to yourself watching her disapproving look.

A tap on your window makes you lift your gaze from the page and look towards the window seat that faces out the third story of your home onto the street below.

Ben is crouched there on the ledge that juts out only a foot from the outer brick wall a wide smile on his face that you can't help but return. You had been friends since you were both eight, when your parents threw yet another party and you found Ben in one of the side rooms trying to avoid his father. When his father tried to come in to find him, you lied and said you hadn't seen Ben.

And when his mother died two years later, Ben would show up some nights, scaling the large tree outside your window to stay with you. He never wanted to talk about it and you never asked, instead you talked about everything else until you both fell asleep.

You felt your heart thud loudly in your chest and a familiar warmth tracing lightly against your skin when you lock eyes with him. It was hard to be in love with your best friend. But you were, and you couldn't tell him. You didn't want to ruin the only meaningful relationship you'd ever had in your life. Ben knew everything about you, you trusted him and you couldn't imagine what it would be like to live your life without him, didn't want to.

Sometimes you hoped he felt the same way. When you woke up before him in the morning and the light from the window made his hair lighter and he held you close to his chest because in his sleep he had wrapped his arm around you. You liked to pretend that he did it on purpose, not just because there was barely any room between the two of you in your bed because now you both weren't as small as you used to be. You don’t know when Ben got so broad, tall, and muscular, but now it was impossible to ignore, especially being pressed against his chest when you woke.

 It was improper to be that close in bed together of course, but you didn't care. You didn't care what other people thought about him or you. He was your best friend, and although you wished for more, you wouldn't turn your back on him just because other people thought he was trouble.

Which he was.

You put your sketchbook down and go to the window to unlock it. "Ben what are you doing here?"

"I couldn't miss your birthday." He smirks as you take his hand to help him into your bedroom.

"What about school?"

"Wasn't a good fit." Ben pushes his dark hair out of his eyes and you try not to think about what it would be like to do it yourself.

"Uh-huh. What you're really saying is that you flunked out of another boarding school just to make it back for my birthday. Right?" You laugh.

"Thought it would be a nice birthday surprise." He leans forward with a smirk. "Would you like to unwrap your present?"

You roll your eyes and raise a hand to push him back, but he catches it against his chest.

"Come on. You're telling me that you didn't miss me? Not even a little?" Ben pretends to be hurt.

Of course you missed him. When he wasn't there it felt like apart of you was gone, but you couldn't tell him that. You knew that Ben didn't feel the same way. He was just flirty, all the time.

"No."

"Liar." He says. "How was the big party?"

"Oh it was the bee's knees." You snark. "I danced with Howard Stine and he stepped on my toes, my mother didn't let me eat and bought me a ridiculous dress-"

"Let me guess, pink?"

"Pink and ruffly. I looked like a giant cupcake."

"I'm sure Howard loved it." Ben sing-songs.

"Shut up." You punch his arm. "He's not that bad-"

"With a boring name like Howard, imagine how boring he'd be in-"

"Big talk from a guy named Benjamin." You interrupt.

The look in Ben's eyes darkens for a minute. "I'd be happy to prove you wrong."

You shake your head at him to stop the flush in your cheeks and avoid the way your breath catches in your chest at his words.

It would be so easy to give in to him, but you knew that Ben didn't see you that way. Ben had chased after anything and everything that caught his eye. If you were to give in, you were afraid of what would happen after. Ben was your best friend and if you crossed that line what would it mean?

"You're incorrigible."

"If that's another word for gorgeous then yes, yes I am."

You turn back to the bed and where your sketchbook waits, trying to calm your racing heart.

"But you don't want your birthday present?" Ben asks from behind you.

"What happened to you being the present?"

"I am a gift, but I did get you something."

You turn and see that Ben is holding out a package wrapped in gold paper a little bit larger than a book. Surprise momentarily spikes at the back of your mind. Ben had gotten you gifts in the past, but you hadn't expected one this year, especially since he just got out of boarding school.

"Did you steal it?" You ask, raising an eyebrow at him.

"Not this time."

You take the box from his hand and sit down on your bed to peel back the paper. "I can't believe you actually wrapped this."

"The saleswoman did. Now she was really-"

"Don't need to know." You shake your head with a smile, eyes still on the gift. When you finally pull back the paper you can't help but smile. It's a box of watercolor paints, a package of brushes, and a small pad of watercolor paper. "Ben-" You look up at him with a wide smile. "Thank you!"

 "Do you like them?" Ben asks hesitantly, he looks almost nervous.

"I love them! I've never tried to paint before."

"I know. I remember said you wanted to try. Plus I thought you could do some nice nudes of me in color-" Ben smirks.

"Ben!" You snort.

“I’m just trying to help you learn how to draw anatomy.” He wets his lips with his tongue arching an eyebrow in a challenge. “Of course there are more fun ways that I could teach you that.”

“Ben!” You flush bright red.

“Sorry. Sometimes you’re too easy.”

“I don’t know why I put up with you.” You shake your head at him with a smile.

An odd look crosses his face, but it disappears as quickly as you see it.

"Honestly, thank you. I can't wait to try these out." You look back down at the paints, admiring the silver box they came in.

"You're welcome."

Ben hovers by the window at the edge of your room as if debating whether or not he should stay. After all these years you noticed that Ben had trouble with the idea that you genuinely wanted him there. You knew it stemmed from his father's constant disapproval and his father's constant need to push him away, and it made your heart break for him.

And yes, maybe Ben did fill his life with brief flings and alcohol, but he was still your Ben.

"You’re going to stay right? Because you’ve already missed my birthday and I’d like to know how you got kicked out of boarding school number five.”

He nods once a small smile quirking the edge of his lips before he removes the dark jacket with the embossed prestigious logo of the aforementioned boarding school. It catches on his shoulders and you look away before he can see your blush.

“Are you hungry?”

Ben shakes his head.

“Ben, when was the last time you put something in your stomach besides alcohol?” You raise an eyebrow. He couldn’t lie to you and you knew he was only saying no because he didn’t want you to have to creep downstairs in the dark and also because he didn’t want to admit that he was hungry.

“Earlier.” He says it with a shrug, looking down at the coat in his hands to avoid your gaze.

“Well I was going to go see if I could find some of that birthday cake anyway. I haven’t eaten since this morning and all I had was half a grapefruit.”

“Another diet?” Ben frowns.

“Mother thinks I can slim down a little more. Says that I’d get more suitors if my hips were not so big.” You try not to dwell too much on it, you’d been dealing with your mother’s constant berating  since you were born. The corset you’d worn at the party was so tight that it left bruises on your hips and under your arms, but your mother had been pleased with how it looked. “She won’t be happy until I’m thinner than a chicken bone I suppose.” Instead of looking at Ben you stand and turn to look at yourself in the full length mirror in the corner. You never thought that your hips were too big or that your chest was, yes you were more curvy than any of your friends but you liked it.

"You shouldn't listen to her."

You shrug.

"I'm serious y/n. You're-" Ben stops talking.

"What?" You turn to look at him again eyes wide and open.

"Well you're-" Ben looks nervous again, tightening his hands on the dark jacket. He swallows. "You're not fat." Ben finishes.

"Well I don't think I'm fat Ben, but thank you." You can't help but be a little disappointed with his answer, you were hoping that he would say that you were beautiful.

My mother thinks I’m fat. You try not to wince when you think it, but instead you focus back on Ben.

"Alright, stay here. Try not to wake my parents up."

"Trust me that's the last thing on my mind doll."

Thank you for reading! If you'd like to be added to the taglist for this series let me know. :)

Taglist: @roseblue373

[lokifan2]

A Midgardian With a Bad Attitude

Rating: G

Language: None SFW

Plot: The reader gives Loki attitude during that time of the month, so he gets her back with tickles. Loki and female reader

Note: Thank you Anonymous for the idea!

It was one of those days…One of those days where if anyone so much as looked at you, you would have bitten their head off. The cause? Your cycle was due to start and you hated how you acted during that time. However. When you gave Loki a snarky attitude, he had no choice but to REALLY use your weakness against you in order to pull you back to your sweet self.

It started as soon as you woke up. That pain deep in your lower abdomen. The headache, the back and muscle aches that told you, you were in for a bad couple of days. Your period was the reason for this pain and you always dreaded it. You could deal with the other symptoms but having your emotions all out of whack was too much. Especially, since your lover, Loki was on the receiving end of your tirades. You never meant to go off on him but he was usually the only one around to be your sounding board/punching bag. He however, didn’t mind at all as you had once told him earlier in your relationship that this happened to Midgaurdian women of certain ages all the time. He was so understanding and caring, but on this day, you were too wound up to be consoled so he used your favorite way of payback (tickling) to bring you out of it.

After you laid in bed; debating on whether to get up or not, you heard a knock on the door. It was Loki, come in to check on you. He saw your distraught face and hurried in to sit by you on the bed. “What’s wrong, darling? Are you alright?” he asked a bit worried. You forced a smile and said that your “Aunt” had come to visit. Yes. You even told him about a specific “Aunt” that came to visit once a month, so Loki understood immediately what that meant.

“Oh! Can I get you some medicine, darling?” he asked in haste. “Yes, please,” you replied lying on your back with your hand over your forehead. Loki quickly conjured up a bottle of headache medicine and some orange juice. “Thank you,” you said as you drank down the glass. “Anything else I can do for you?” “Make this stupid pain go away,” you replied, grimacing. “I’m sorry, but my magic doesn’t work for something like that,” he replied putting his hand on your forehead and kissed it.

“I know. I just can’t stand this pain.” “And it lasts for days at a time?” Loki asked with a curious expression. “YES! I’ve told you a million times before that it does,” you said impatiently. He looked taken aback. “I’m sorry if I overstepped, darling,” he replied a little deflated. A tense quietness filled the air for a brief moment as you looked back at Loki with tears in your eyes. “Oh, Loki. I’m so sorry for snapping at you. Please forgive me!” You slowly sat up to hug him as you sharply winced again. “All is forgiven,” he said, as he rubbed your back. He took your chin in his fingers so you’d look at him. Tears began to stream down your face as you looked at him with regret. He stared into space in thought for a minute and smiled devilishly. “ I know one way to get you back for that mouth of yours.Ehehehe…”

You wanted to have fun today but your mood told you otherwise. “ Loki, I’m just not in the mood for tickles right now. Maybe when I feel better?” He had listened to you but you were truly in no mood for the Tickle Monster to come and play just yet. However. He tried his best to tase your sides anyways as you slapped his hand away and gave him an angry look. “ I said NOT NOW, LOKI!” You both paused as his face fell into complete sadness. You tried opening your mouth to apologize but the words wouldn’t come out. “I shall leave you be then,” he replied with a sad smile and left the room.

Great. You just royally bit the head off the only man you ever truly loved and felt awful about it. You laid back on your stomach and cried yourself to sleep. About an hour later, Loki came in to check on you with your most essential period day snacks and movies. Chocolate, candy and of course, a romantic movie. He slowly opened the door to see your sleeping figure lying on your stomach on your bed, softly snoring. He laid the snacks down on a nearby table and crept to your side of the bed. You looked so cute when you slept. Covers pulled completely over you and only your nose stuck out so you could still breathe. He crossed his arms as he chuckled quietly at the sight of you. You must’ve heard him because you stirred ever so slightly and turned on your back. “Loki?” “Yes. I’m here now,” he said sweetly. “I’ve brought you all of the normal provisions for such an occasion and I will let you do all of it in peace.” He started to turn around to leave as you (stupidly) nearly jumped out of bed to reach him. “Wait! OWW!!! Loki! Don’t go! Please! Stay! I’m sorry for everything I said and did earlier. I really am. Forgive me?” You gave him your best cheesy smile as he peeked back into the bedroom. He couldn’t help but laugh at the silly face staring back at him. Hoping he would forgive you. “Darling. You needn’t ask for forgiveness. You know I always will. I was just afraid you didn’t want me around today. That’s all.” You shook your head and took his hands in yours. “No! I love being with you, it’s just that…This has me all messed up and it’s hard to control sometimes.” You both embraced again as he got an idea. An idea to get you back for being so short with him but it was all in good fun.

You broke from the embrace as he began looking at you slyly. “What?” You asked as if something was on you or your hair was messed up. Loki perked up again. “I still need to make you learn your lesson for the way you acted earlier. You’re not off the hook just yet…”

You popped a piece of chocolate in your mouth as you smiled back at him in a proud way. “Yeah. Yeah. That’s what you always say.” “Well, because no matter how much I use this method, you still insist on giving me attitude.” You rolled your eyes. “Of course! Because you’re too weak to even tickle me properly.” “Oh! Why did I just say that?” you thought. “Because I want his playful side to come out.” Your heart skipped a beat as Loki’s smile grew down right sinister. You loved his playful side and did everything you could do to see it. Even if it meant giving him attitude. You sometimes felt bad that you did but Loki knew it was benevolent. “Alright, darling. Lay back and put your arms underneath your pillow.” This was it! He was gearing up to give you what you wanted!

He slowly crawled to you on the bed and growled in a low tone. “Hello, my sweet girl. Remember me?” You giggled. “Of course I do.” He laughed in his throat. “And who am I?” “Some tickle monster that I’m NOT afraid of,” you announced giddily. Loki growled again. “Well, you will be once I’m done with you. Your love has told me you’ve been giving him attitude lately and I am here to rectify that.”

Without another word, Loki climbed on top of you and settled on your hips. You laughed a little louder this time. “Ah, yes! That’s the only sound I wish for you to make right now! Laugh for me, darling!” With that, he started poking and prodding your upper body and then your hips. “My goodness! Just as ticklish as I remember!” He wanted to slow things down to really get to you so, he trailed his fingers up and down your body. You squealed with delight as he hit your most ticklish spots like your sides and belly with precision. He gave an amused groan and continued to torment your silky skin. Goosebumps rose as his fingers roamed back and forth, up and down. This drove you crazy with laughter as he began to pick up the pace.

Your mind was going a million miles a minute with all the ticklish sensations that came at you intermittently that everything seemed to be a blur. You didn’t care though. You were in this moment with Loki and you reveled in it. “Who’s the best tickle monster,” he asked as he continued to wreck you. “N-Not y-youuuuu! Hahahah!”

Oh, you were a feisty little one today. Your mouth still tuning amuck but in a happy, fun way now. Loki had done it. He’d brought you out of that hormonal funk you were in and made you laugh yourself silly. As you began to lose your breath, he had noticed and stopped tickling you immediately. “How do you feel now, darling,” he smiled at you and brushed away the hair that stuck to your sweaty, tear stained face. “ Happier than ever,” you replied as he bent down to kiss you sweetly. “Good. Now, let’s watch this romantic movie you love so much and enjoy the snacks that I’ve brought. Shall we?” You laughed and popped more chocolate in your mouth. “Sounds like a good idea to me.” For the rest of the day, the two of you laid in bed, ate candy and watched your movie. Thank god Loki was there to pull you back. You were forever in his debt as he collected quite frequently after this day with your favorite way of making you laugh. Life was good from then on out. You still had your bad days, but Loki’s presence made them a little more tolerable.

[ajamnova]

I feel like I’m ready to talk about why I deleted my tumblr last week. It’s something I’d normally keep to myself, but I have an important message to share.

Last week I had a massive falling out with someone dear to me. And when I say massive, I mean atomic. I knew this person for a very long time and I thought we were always on the same wavelength no matter what. It turns out that was not the case, and it all finally came tumbling down.

I said and did a lot of things to hurt this person. It went on for years and I was ignorant to it. They’d call me out and I’d apologize, only for the cycle to repeat. It finally culminated in us blowing up on each other and saying things I am positive we both regret. They attacked my very core, lashed out at every piece of me. They told me I haven’t grown up and that I’m terminally online. Their words filled me with overwhelming guilt and self-hate. My mind was overloaded, so without much rationality, I deleted my tumblr and pixiv, and even planned to delete my instagram where my art journey began.

But a friend of mine managed to talk some sense into me. He told me I was being self destructive over a single person and he was right. It’s why I came back to tumblr. I also realized how dependent I was on this person and how I went down a toxic path.

Two days after the fight, I texted a long apology acknowledging all of my faults. I asked for forgiveness one last time. But unfortunately, I had already run out of chances. They responded to me a week later and said they didn’t forgive me. Not only that, but they said to never talk to them again. By that point I had already accepted what I had done and I was ready to hear their exact words. I honored their wish and chose not to respond.

However, a week passed and the guilt I felt was replaced with anger. I realized this person wasn’t pure and innocent, they hurt me in a lot of ways too. There was a lot I put up with, and I’m now processing just how insufferable and miserable their behavior was. I may still be mourning our relationship, but I understand now that nothing of value was lost. We had grown far apart for years, becoming completely unrecognizable to one another. It only makes sense that things would end somehow.

I’ve had a lot of introspection these past two weeks. I am not a perfect person, but I always look to improve. I’ve come to appreciate the people in my life more than ever, be it friends, family, or even my followers. I want to treat them better. In the way, deleting my account helped me start over and look at things from a new perspective.

I hope that reading this makes you consider the relationships in your life as well. You��ll not only find yourself with toxic people, but you can become toxic yourself. And perhaps you might also realize the value of what you had taken for granted. Part of being an open minded person is accepting your own ignorances and learning to overcome them. It’s the unfortunate struggle of being human, but not an impossible one.

Thank you for reading

[raayllum]

Something I’m noticing is a consistent theme of Callum finding his strength through love (having faith in the narrative of love, Viren’s unicorn spell being fueled by hate contrasting Callum’s mage wings spell being fueled by love, etc.) that maybe his big revelation through his experiences with Leola is to have a profound love for all things, and thus gain the power to challenge Aaravos. What do you think?

I think it's a big over simplification, in some ways, especially coming off S4.

Ezran: We all want peace and we all want love. But violence tests us. In a twisted way, it converts us to its cause. Because pain and loss feel so terrible inside, you want to hate. You want to hurt someone else. So what do we do? How can we stop this cycle? [...] But… It’s not that easy or simple. Because people are still hurting and they are still angry. We can’t ignore that, or pretend it will go away. [...]  We have to hold pain and love in our hearts at the same time.

One of the things that Arc 1 had as an undercurrent that S4 makes explicit is that a Narrative of Love, while well meaning and well intentioned and somewhat successful - bringing Zym home did bring peace - is not going to just simply work out. Part of this is because Ezran, in his own words, ignored something his father counselled as a key part of a Narrative of Love ("Free yourself from the past. Understand it, learn from it, then let it go") and well, you can't learn from something if you don't engage/acknowledge it.

After all, TDP's short stories are revealing more and more of the ways primal magic can also be twisted and horrific, even if it's still functioning differently than dark magic by and large. We see primal magic and dark magic explicitly contrasted by Claudia and Callum in S2 with

That's what's great about dark magic. You just take creatures that are born with magic and squeeze it out of them. Humans were born with nothing, but we still found a way to do amazing things.

But Rayla, the whole world is like a giant primal stone. I'm inside sky magic, but it's also in me, with every breath I take.

But Claudia is guided by the spirit of her mother ("And she told me to stay. She said that this was my home, and that my brother and I needed each other") into dark magic just as much as Callum is guided to primal magic by Sarai.

The pain of the cycle - the loss that instigates the violence in the first place - is not devoid of love; if anything, it is full of it, warped and built steadily on a scaffolding of centuries/generations of grief and suffering and doing anything to try and lessen the pain inside of you. As Viren says:

But there is an aching pain mixed with love that you feel in these moments. I have always been ready to do anything to protect my family, however dangerous, however vile. In the name of love, you may commit acts so unforgivable… you will never forgive yourself. 

Most people in TDP, as Ezran says, want peace and love. If not (hi Kasef), they're typically wanting to protect their loved ones, whether it's the memory of them, or directly in defense of them. Assassins are seen by Moonshadow elves, not as instigators of violence, but as protectors; Viren sees himself similarly, or at least saw. Callum wants to protect the people he loves very deeply (1x01, 1x02, 2x07, 3x09, 4x01, etc).

Also, we know so little about Leola, it's not clear how she'll come into the story in the present day with anyone, let alone enough to converse or give guidance to Callum. We know she was a unicorn who helped give humans primal magic and... that's it.

Being connected to a primal source can certainly garner feeling more connected to other creatures / people and the world around you, but it's also clearly not a default thing, as people like Kim'Dael, Sol Regem, and others make clear. Callum's connection with Sky magic came from him understanding his place in it (with his head, heart, and spirit) and presumably connections to other arcanums will be similar (although I lean towards a Rayla-moon re-connection/connection for symbolic reasons, likely next season).

But yeah love ≠ unequivocal good in TDP, and it never has. It's always been more complicated than that, whether in how that love is received, how it manifests (if it does), and the lengths people are willing to go to for the people they love. I don't think that'd suddenly change, especially not soon. Leola's Last Wish isn't necessarily a very hopeful (although I'm sure it will have some kind of silver lining) name, and not in a season where tragedy is clearly going to run rampant.

Thanks for admitting that Callum currently doesn't have a deep love of all things/creatures, though.

[steakout-05]

i've already replied to this one but it struck a chord with me.

bullies HATE when they're overpowered. they're afraid of it. they feel threatened by it because the little toy they've been pushing around is suddenly pushing them instead and now they don't know what to do. using your words, taking all the teacher's advice and trying to "be the bigger person" will only get you bullied more and more and more because that is not what bullies respond well to. they take that as a sign of weakness and will only escalate it further, and at that point it becomes a situation where you can no longer use your words anymore and you have to use your fists. you have to listen to your survival instincts and fight back, because the shit teachers preach to you with, all the washed out "ignore it" "be nice to them" "tell them to stop"s, will just make you into a pushover. giving that bully a swift punch in the nose, a kick to the stomach (or the nuts) and a firm elbow shove to the chest will show them that you are a threat, they will face consequences for enacting actions on you and that you will not be an easy target for them. they will learn the lesson of "playing stupid games gets you stupid prizes" and likely won't try to fuck with you again. give them the biggest reaction they could ever hope for.

look i understand that using your words is generally considered to be a more "mature" solution to a conflict and that you can't always take the physical route when you're an adult, but the point where it becomes harassment is no longer a conflict. that is now a chain of abuse, and every single person deserves to know how to physically defend against that. i also understand that sometimes, physical defence might escalate something into full blown violence, in which people should also be taught backup strategies like surrounding yourself with other people and contacting the police (as much as i hate the police, sometimes they can help) if needed.

teachers should be giving people self-defence strategies. there should be classes on how to use your body to fight against harassment when words fail you. but they aren't for some reason that i'm not entirely sure why (apart from what op said about teachers never experiencing bullying themselves). maybe it's a control thing. maybe it's a systemic thing. i'm not sure. but the point is that they aren't and they really REALLY should be because it works.

any punishment you could get for defending yourself physically in school is temporary. the effects of trauma from bullying lasts forever. you deserve the skills to be able to end this cycle and show them who not to fuck with. do not forgive and do not forget.

“The bullying will go away if you just handle it with enough grace and kindness” is a disgusting lie that could only ever be perpetuated by someone who has never been bullied before. Anyone who has ever experienced real bullying knows that bullied respond to one thing and one thing only; consequences.

[watery-pancake]

breaking the cycle

we text everyday

and call every night

but it was until the other day, when i talked for so long. you never even gave me a response, or acknowledgement. you never apologized, until i was the one to bring it up. the next night, we called for 4 hours, and the entire time you played games. i doubt you ever even noticed when i muted myself. not like it makes a difference, since you ignore everything else i say anyways. ive been distant, but i doubt you'll reach out to ask what is wrong. or even care how i feel.

i realized it when showering. when i was trying to sleep. when i brush my teeth, and when i put on my shoes. you never really cared about how i feel, did you? it makes sense why every argument turned the way it did. i made the mistake of talking about how i feel so you could understand, and every single time it resulted in you getting so angry you'd say something you regret. the only reason you even reached out to me every time was just because you missed the attention and love i gave you. not because you felt guilty or whatever.

we were with my friends and i cut the cake, and i cut the cake for everyone. there were no plates left for me. all you said was to remind me to cut a cake for the parents. you never even noticed i had to go get my own plate for myself. it was my friend who noticed and apologised and felt dumb for not getting enough plates. i felt more sympathy from a friend than you.

every single time after sex, you just go on your phone. i never really minded, since when i asked you said i could cuddle with you and we could look at memes together. but then, now you just hop on games after, leaving me to clean my mess alone and lie on the bed. just like my ex did. if not that, then you would just scroll on your phone and not even acknowledge im there for another couple hours if i didn't say anything. even when i brought it up, you never did anything.

you promised me you would change. and you lied.

so why should i text. why should i call. like i miss you?

when we text, you just want to talk about yourself and couldn't care less what i have to say. when we call, it's about me watching you play games or listening to you talk, but once i do, you just scroll on your phone when i talk or play games. even if you try to tell me that you want me to talk about what's wrong, what's the point? same cycle, you do something shitty, i bring it up, you argue with me and turn it into my fault. i defend and explain what i felt, you say something you regret, and i hang up. then after a couple days, you miss my attention enough to give an on- the- spot apology. then i naturally forgive, and we 'move on'. and by moving on, you continue the same thing, and i love you less. because i never forget it. and you never make an effort to improve on your shitty habits. so why the hell should i even bring up what's wrong?

what, like it'll change anything?

i dont get why i keep coming back. the hopeless romantic that always believes in the love you state you have for me? its probably what you just saw in your ex anyways. you hate my culture, since you make fun of it at every chance. you hate how i was homeless, since you love to remind me every time i say i like any food. you hate how thin my hair is, since you love to bring it up. you hate all my hobbies, since you call all of them dumb and point out every single flaw in them. god forbid i enjoy anything. you hate how smart i am, since every time i make a slight mistake you use it as a chance to make a dig at it or use it to weaponize against me. a slight mistake is overblown every. single. time. you hate how i have no good support system, since what am i supposed to do? go to my boyfriend for love and support and comfort? what an idiot right.

you say you love everything about me, but actions speak louder than words. and im tired of excuses. you just don't like me. you like my attention and what i do for you. you don't like ME.

you know my deepest secrets. you know i've never found a good love. but yet you continue to never be it. never be the one i can lean on. i have no one to lean on. no one i can be vulnerable with. no one who can support me and take weight off my shoulders.

i'm tired of it all.

[iicheeze]

Emotion Suppression

Genshin SAGAU

summary: What if we, the Creator, suppress our own emotions to keep up the 'strong' and 'reliable' Creator image and one situation was able to break the glass.

cw: just angst with a fluff ending

You were tired. You've always been tired. Ever since you were transported to Teyvat, everything has been bugging you like leeches. Not to mention that 2/4 of the Nations' problems weren't solved yet since Genshin Impact's update has only reached Sumeru, and not more.

You were required to attend every single nation's festivals, including ones that celebrates your birth, the day where you 'descended' to Teyvat, and more.

And.. Were the characters always this clingy? They've been attaching themselves to you like you're the light source for moths. You couldn't help but like the attention but at the same time get annoyed by it. Can't you at least have ONE second of privacy.

You wanted so badly to stay here, yet you also have a life back home you crave oh so badly. Your parents could be looking for you, and your friends even!

All your life, you've learned that in order to be liked. You have to have the image of a strong and reliable person. Just one crack of your negative emotions will lead your 'friends' away. You can't have that. You don't want to be alone. You never wanted to be alone. Yet, you still end up in the same situation over and over.

It's an endless cycle of people relying on you but when you need them the most, they turn their backs on you. Never to see you with a happy smile unless they need something.

Your facade still continues even in Teyvat. You were sure that they would leave you behind if you were to show just a tiny bit of negative emotion. That's why you only let them out alone. Or you just don't.

Years of suppressing your own emotions has made you feel numb on the inside. You can't help it. It was bound to happen. Even when you want to cry or be angry, about anything, just anything. You can't. It's like you don't even have control of your own emotions anymore.

All you want to do is just sleep.

“ Your Grace! There you are, would you like to come with me to Windrise? The breeze seems to be picking up lately! ” Venti invited, with a glee smile.

“ Oh! Venti! Well, about that.. ” You replied, before someone else interrupted you.

“ No, they won't come with you to Windrise. Because I already asked them first to do pranks with me! ” Hu Tao interfered.

“ Oh, right.. But..- ”

“ Oh? But I was sure that Their Divinity would have a tea ceremony with me. Isn't that right, Your Grace? ” Ayato joined in.

“ Um.. Guys?- ”

“ Seriously. Give Their Divinity some space. Well, why don't you come with me to the Dharma Forest to relax? I'm sure the sunlight would calm you. ” Tighnari stated.

Seriously! You were being thrown left and right by your own acolytes. Not understanding that all you want is just some alone time. You've been keeping your business to yourself, so why are they including you in their business?!

“ ENOUGH! ” You yelled, as the ground deflates to your rising anger, with a couple of birds flying away from the trees they were sitting on. With your acolytes thrown back due to the sheer force.

“ SERIOUSLY! I'VE BEEN INCLUDED TO EACH AND EVERY ONE OF YOUR BUSINESSES, WHAT MORE COULD YOU POSSIBLY WANT?! I'VE BEEN WAITING AND WAITING FOR A LONG TIME TO FINALLY BE ALONE. BUT OF COURSE WITH YOU HERE, IT'D BE IMPOSSIBLE TO GET THAT!?! JUST KEEP YOUR BUSINESS TO YOURSELF, DAMMIT!! ”

Your voice echoed, along with your anger. Is this what it's like to feel the Divine One's anger? They feel a rising guilt inside, slowly burning them inside out. But what pains more, is that they never realized.

How could they do this to you?! How could they not realize what they've been doing to you?! You'd forgive them.. Right? Right?! What if you don't? What if you exile them from your existence? Thousands of ‘ what if's ’ continue to multiply in their heads.

Meanwhile, you just realized what you have said. Could they hate you now? Will they leave you? Will they replace your for another person? You couldn't help but break into tears as panic rises, torturing your brain like a thousand arrows.

“ I.. I'm.. I'm sorry! I - I'm not feeling well! ” With that, you disappear to thin air. With nothing left behind, not including the petals of gold leaves falling to the hard ground. Before disintegrating to nothing but dust that was blown by the wind.

They're gonna hate you now. Aren't they?

Days have passed after that breakdown, and the acolytes were searching all over for you. The Starsnatch Cliff, Mt. Aozang, The Grand Narukami Shrine, even Sumeru's Desert Temple! Where could you have been? Did you abandon them, perhaps? There's no way.

But those negative thoughts of you getting into the worst of the worst outcomes, were burnt to ash as one of the acolytes (Your favorite character) found you at the very same shrine where you 'descend' to Teyvat, sound asleep.

You were awoken to the soft, silky bed instead of the hard ground from your shrine. Back to your own Palace of Divinity. Of course, you didn't want to wake up just to see your acolytes. You were sure they'd be disappointed in you.

But before you could even go back to sleep, the doors flew open, revealing the four archons, with apologetic looks.

Silent, you decided not to look at them in the eye. Knowing damn well you don't have the strength to. You're just tired. You just want to get this over with. You know that they're gonna dispose of you. You're not strong. Nor reliable. They're gonna think of you as useless. You're just a pile of garbage in their eyes, right?

“ We're sorry, Your Grace. ”

... What?

“ We weren't thinking thoroughly of our actions. We didn't mean to bother you, we just wanted you to relax. Perhaps we thought wrong. And we apologize for that. ” Zhongli stated, as the three other Archons bowed to you.

“ ... ” Speechless, you don't know what to say. No one has ever said this to you. What do you do in these type of situations? You can't think of anything. Yet, your vision gets blurry as water drops fell from your eyes.

“ Oh- Oh my gosh!! Your Grace, we didn't mean to make you cry! We're very sorry! Please, forgive us! ” Ei apologized, worries starting to show on her eyes.

Hiccups were starting to form, and your teeth began to grit on itself to prevent any awkward noise coming out. Is this what it feels like? To finally let go and just be yourself? It feels too good to be true.

Without any words, Venti hugged you. No words, as he knew what it feels like to mask your feelings away. To bury your feelings six feet under so no one would worry about you. He knows exactly what it feels like. But what he didn't understand is.. Why?

Questions began to form in his mind, but none was answered. As his only focus is only to comfort you, the Creator.

“ It's okay now. Feel free to express that beautiful emotion of yours. ”

With that, wails of crying was heard coming from none other but you. Tears falling down to Venti's shoulder, wetting the green fabric. But he doesn't care. He's glad that you're finally yourself.

Nahida had always knew that you were hiding something, she just doesn't know what. Now that she knows, she couldn't help but pity you but be proud of you at the same time.

Ei had never knew of your facade. But she always feels that something is wrong whenever you put a smile at your face on unexpected situations, calmly confronting it with your advice. Have you had these situations before? How could you confront it so professionally? Now that she knew, she was glad. She could finally see your first, genuine smile around them.

Zhongli knew of your facade. He just doesn't confront you about it. He knew that the smile of yours was fake. He knew that the laughter of yours was fake. He knew that you don't feel comfortable showing your true emotions. All he could do is just stand by and watch. He doesn't want to force you to finally tell the truth. He wants to wait for the right time. For you to tell him about your facade. And now that it did happen, he's proud of you. Very proud.

All you could do now is just hug the Anemo Archon back as you cry to your heart's will. You're finally given the freedom you've always wanted, why not use it for the first time in your second life?

a/n: ngl, I teared up. BUT ONLY FOR ONE TEAR. THAT'S IT. Also I feel kinda cringe writing this, hope it's actually angst-ish instead of the opposite lol

[mjalti]

are we required to forgive our parents when they apologize/try to do better? my mom and i had an absolutely awful relationship up until i moved away for college which is when she suddenly started being nice to me. she is mentally ill and traumatized so i can understand why she took out a lot of stuff on me, and i appreciate her trying to get better, but i am struggling so much to forgive her, move on, and accept this new version of her. i want her to stay as an awful hateful person in my head so i dont have to feel guilty when she tries to love me and i can't reciprocate it. i feel bad she doesn't have a daughter who loves her, but i didnt have a mother either. do i have to be the bigger person here?

the short answer is that No, you aren't "required" to forgive anyone for anything. her wanting to be better now doesn't negate the way she acted for years while you're growing up. your anger is valid, your hurt is valid, and in the coming days, the question that breeds resentment will rise, "why didn't she want to be better when it mattered?". That being said, you have to work on defining what you want from your mom NOW. I would really consider going to therapy to have someone help you navigate these waters. When the person who hurts you, asks for mercy, it can leave you feeling like the "villain" that this person has been for you all your life.

What I can tell you about forgiveness is this: it hurts. And when something hurts, we only want to go through it for someone we truly love. You do not love your mother in the traditional way. You cannot, because she was not a traditional mother to you.

If you are open to a relationship with her, you need to learn about boundaries, what they are, how to implement them, and when to enforce them. You need to have a conversation with your mom about why she cannot be a mother to you even now, but that you are open to have her being a friend eventually as long as she maintains her medication regimen & therapy for herself. Eventually considering family therapy together.

The answer to this question isn't a solid answer, so please dont pressure yourself to have an answer ready. The answer can literally be: I do not know, it depends on her behavior and her ability to take responsibility for her impact on me.

The thing about abuse is that it happens in minutes, hours, days, months, years. It cannot be forgiven with a "I'm sorry" once, twice, or three times. It has to be evened out in positive actions in minutes, hours, days, months, years. It has to be evened out. And then, at that point, you can ask yourself if you forgive her.

Trauma is generational, you are absolutely right to give her the grace of truth; you do not know what has happened to your mother or what she survived, how she became what she became. But your mother needs to come to terms with what happened. Your mother doesn't have a daughter who loves her because love isn't given; love is earned. Your mother never earned that love so she cannot lay claim to it.

Right now, open up google docs and write to the mother you hate, the one who hurt you and write down all the memories you can think of. Do it every evening for 2 weeks, write everything that you hated, what happened, how it made you feel, who was involved, and what the impact was on you. The child in you needs to be heard and you need to give her a platform in which to channel her emotions.

The story of trauma is complex but this cycle can end with you by you going to therapy, finding a compatible therapist & working through your childhood. Thank your baby-self for everything she learned to keep you safe, and tell her that some of these things no longer serve you so you have to let them go.

[adamnablelittledevil]

I think another important thing is why any of these characters act the way they do. Do they have a reason to, not justify, but explain it? They do. They have all been physically/sexually/mentally/emotionally abused, victims of racial oppression, segregation laws, human traffic or queerphobia etc. Those things change who you are as a person and not in a good way. At best, you get tormented, but learn to overcome it and live a good life. At worst, you commit suicide or you become an abuser yourself and keep the cycle going. And all these people were born and raised at a time the advanced conversations we have on mental health (or race, gender, sexuality and pretty much everything else) weren't happening and the very few that were indeed happening weren't as accessible as nowadays. They're reproducing patterns they saw during their time. Not to mention this has been going on for decades/centuries. That's more than a human lifetime. And even if we can relate to some of it, we're lucky enough to not relate to all of it and not for that long.

Add being turned into a vampire on top of that, which the show has implied changes the way their body, but also their minds operate. It heightens their senses and emotions and sometimes they act like animals, more based on impulse than logic. And it's not like there's therapy for vampires to try to work it out. That's not to say that they should get a pass for everything they do and keep that behavior. No, they should deal with the outcome of their terrible mistakes and hopefully feel regret, remorse and try to evolve as individuals. It is a struggle to deal with all that, the love, the hate, the anger, the regret, the numbness, the hunger, the despair, but at least they have eternity to try and figure this out, to see if they can really earn forgiveness from each other and themselves in order to move forward. They should use and make the most of it, which is why I love when Louis says "thank you for the nights in front me of me where I might learn how to live honestly".

And, personally, I believe there are many ways you can deal with abuse and someone that has hurt or neglected you. I've been through this multiple times and my reaction depends on the case. There is one person that based on what I know, never had a reason to explain their actions. If they have, they never told me anything. They came from a family that gave them a lot. Might not have been perfect, but certainly raised them in a way they could've treated people better. And they simply... didn't. And they would regret it for a moment and then do everything again. Never show a real commitment to change and work it out. There's somebody else that wasn't necessarily abusive, but neglected me and I couldn't rely on the times I needed help. But even though I'm not that close to them, I understand it, because I know that person did have reasons and was probably acting on survival mode. Because I've done that too, there were times I was too far deep in my depression to do anything for anybody else. It still happens. It's just one of those things that it sucks for everybody involved and we're just consequences of a situation we don't have control in. It also depends on how I feel about them...

Love is also a factor. There are cases where I do have some love for the person, I don't know if I can love and trust them the same way again, but there's something there. Maybe one day we'll work it out and be stronger than ever, maybe not, but I've made peace with it. We're not at war with each other or ourselves, there's some understanding and respect and life will take its course to wherever it needs to go. There are cases that the damage was too huge that I can't love them and I'm not even sure if I ever have in the first place. So, I F IT'S POSSIBLE AND THERE IS >*GENUINE*< accountability, effort, love, forgiveness and trust, M A Y B E they can have a better life together. MAYBE the best they can do is find some truce for their own well-being. That's the big question and what we have to wait to find out for me.

And I believe this is a way better discussion to have in this fandom and the whole point of the show and that we're missing it. We all know the ways they have hurt and even harmed each other, there have been plenty of great conversations about it, BUT HOW DO THEY MOVE FORWARD IN ORDER TO HEAL AND HAVE A GOOD LIFE WITH THEMSELVES AND WHOEVER THEY DECIDE TO KEEP AROUND? AND HOW SHOULD THEY DECIDE WHO THEY STILL WANT IN THEIR LIVES?

That's another great conversation that we are not having.

I think part of why people get so weird and moralizing about the vampires' relationships with each other is that they're trying to map them onto human romantic relationships which just doesn't really work. And I'm not even talking about the moral dimension of "these people have to kill and eat humans to survive." I mean that for literally any of these vampires the healthy thing to do in the human world is just to never speak to each other ever again but that is just not an option for them. They're stuck with each other for ETERNITY. Either they kill each other or they find a way to live with each other those are basically the only options. They dont really get to go no contact.

And like specifically I'm thinking about the ways people reacted to the finale reconciliation between Lestat and Louis and how a lot of people read that as Louis going back to his abusive husband, and I can see how that would feel really off putting. But I think - awkward as it is - in that scene Lestat is more accurately described as being Louis' abusive father. Like if you think about the period of Louis and Lestat being together as a marriage then yes. Its insane for Louis to say he's grateful. But if you think of it as Louis' childhood then what you get is someone who has struggled with depression and being suicidal for his whole life going back to his parent and saying /im glad you brought me into the world./ Thank you for creating me. Thank you for giving me a chance to figure this out. It can be empowering for people to let go of their anger against their parents and finally see them as people with flaws. And before anyone comes at me with the forgiveness-is-harmful-to-survivors crap: I Know. I had the privilege of getting to go completely no contact with a family member without that impacting any of my other family relationships. I have no interest in forgiving him ever. But thats because I never have to see him again. If he was at family dinner - and you KNOW lestat is gonna be at vampire family dinner - I would have to learn how to let go of that rage for my OWN sake. Because living with anger like that eats at you and it turns you into something you don't want to be.

Louis forgiving Lestat isn't about Lestat. Its about Louis. It's about him coming to terms with the fact that these are the things that happened to him in his life and nobody can change them and like it or not he's gonna have to deal with Lestat for the rest of eternity and he's choosing to meet Lestat as an equal, to reconnect on his own terms. And that can be a very powerful thing to do! Not everyone wants to close the door on the people who helped raise them, even if they were hurt badly by them.

[matchablossomwrites]

Hi, I really like your writing!! Can I request Mikey and Izana (u can add more if u want to) react to them hitting their s/o during an argument and how would they apologize ? Angst with comfort, also gn!reader pls (im craving for angst and fluff rn :DD) U don’t need to if u don’t want to write it ofc :)) I respect ure decision ^^ thanks for ure time ❤️

Hey hey hey! Thank you so much for this request! I had a ton of fun writing it ^^ I hope it's up to par with your expectations. I'm so sorry it took this long. I've had an incredibly busy week with my new job and college, but I did my best! I hope you have a wonderful day/night.

Sano 'Mikey' Manjiro

"y/n I don't want to see you right now. Just leave before you regret staying here any longer" he warned "Leave" The air grew more and more icy with each word that came out of his mouth.

You just wanted to check up on him. He'd been so distant lately and this is how he thanks you? You were so worried. Anger boiled up inside of you as you stared at the man in front of you.

His expression was blank. He was going to snap soon. patience was wearing thin for both parties. He didn't exactly have a good day. Things went terribly wrong today and Baji Keisuke had died a few months prior and he was cycling through the stages of grief. The last thing he needed was for you to show up out of the blue like this and confront him now

But it's not like you knew this. You knew Baji had died and you were still easing through grief yourself. God you missed him, but you were coming to terms with the fact that there was no way to turn back time and save him. Mikey was still coping with this. They were best friends. of course this was something that would affect him way more than it would affect you.

"Huh? Are you really telling me this? Mikey I've been so worried about you and this is the thanks I get? I came here to check up on you and even took the day off to spend it with you. I could've been spending my time in so many other ways but I came to check up on you because I care about you!" you yelled you were angry to the point of yelling. Things were getting more and more tense.

Anger boiled inside of him. it was becoming unbearable. "And guess what? I don't care. I don't care that you took all this time off for me. Absolutely no one asked you to be a tragic hero and try to fix me. I don't need fixing. So, I'll say this one more time because apparently you don't know how to take a hint. Go. away." he hissed as his smile turned into a frown.

"Baji wouldn't have wanted you to push us away, you know. He would have-" you began.

However you weren't able to finish your sentence as you felt a stinging sensation on your cheek.

"Shut up! You don't know what he would've wanted! I don't know! You don't fucking know either! Ok?" he hissed as he narrowed his eyes at you. "You don't understand now and you'll never understand! So don't tell me that he wouldn't want me to act like this or whatever! Got it! Because you will never FUCKING know." he growled as he went to point at you.

Suddenly, he was brought back to reality by the sound of you whimpering as you covered your head, attempting to protect yourself. You were too afraid to say anything else to further upset him. You tried so hard not to cry, but with the stinging paired with fear tears cascaded down your face as you attempted to protect yourself from him. "Please don't hurt me.. I'm sorry" you apologized

"Oh god..." he trembled. "oh god, oh god, oh god. what have I done? y/n I'm so sorry." Mikey's eyes widened as he looked at your shaking form in front of him. He attempted to reach out and hold you, however his sudden movement scared you, causing you to flinch.

It was then that he realized the damage he'd done. Guilt hit him like a semi truck. "baby please don't cry. I'm so sorry I let this happen. I never meant to hurt you." he choked out, voice wavering. At that moment all of his emotions that he had been bottling up came pouring out like a waterfall. all the anger, despair, loneliness, and guilt finally made themselves known.

Seeing him break down in front of you made you realize how much he was truly hurting. "P-Please don't go. I'm so sorry." he whimpered. "I never meant for you to see me like that. I'm a monster god I'm so sorry." he apologized. The more you saw him break down the more you realized how bad he truly felt about this.

So, you resigned even though alarm bells were still softly blaring in your head and allowed yourself to be embraced by him. "Don't leave me... please" he whimpered. At this point you both were crying, though neither of you cared that your jackets were getting wet. you weren't sure what to say.

So, you decided not to say anything and let him calm down as you attempted to calm down yourself. Once you both calmed down, Mikey pulled away to look you in the eyes. "Please don't go... I can't lose you too" he begged as he held your face in his hands. He was trembling, absolutely terrified of what he'd done to you. You were his lifeline. He needed you. "I've got you. I promise I'm not going anywhere. I care about you, Mikey, and it hurts to see you like this." you sighed as you gazed at him with a soft expression.

It was then Mikey broke down again. though not for the same reason. It was because he was so grateful he had someone like you by his side. Someone so forgiving and compassionate. "I love you" he whimpered. "Thank you"

"I love you too"

Izana Kurokawa

Things weren't always like this. You were sure of it. But lately your nights were filled with screaming and harsh words. Despite this it was never anything too bad. Either he'd apologize with a bouquet of red tulips, white orchids, and purple hyacinths or a teddy bear and chocolates

But this... this was too far.

You don't really remember how it happened if you were honest. One moment you were having a peaceful conversation. However the moment you brought up Mikey since you'd recently met him at your school.

That's when the mood got sour. He'd said a few things and you retorted with your own set of phrases. Soon the fight grew personal. things were going too far. Both of you were saying things you really didn't mean, but since you both were in the heat of the moment there was no longer a filter stopping you from saying those harsh words and phrases.

Things peaked when he harshly shoved you against the wall in a fit of rage. You were terrified of him, but you didn't dare let him know that. you tried to shove him away but he slapped you. That's when you have had enough. You packed your things, not saying a word to him. Then, when he was asleep you quietly made your escape.

When he woke up however he was shocked and scared. He looked around the shared apartment. there were no signs of you anywhere. His chest rose and fell rapidly as he tried to figure out his next steps, but his thoughts were preventing him from doing so.

Has he finally done it? Had he finally driven you away to the point of never wanting to see him again? He understood if you did. He knows that what he did wasn't right, but he still wanted to make one final attempt at reconciliation and if it failed, all he could do was accept that.

But where have you gone? He had no absolute clue, however he knew you were good friends with Kakucho, so he dialed up his best friend, praying to whatever cruel god was out there that you were at least still alive and safe.

After a few rings Kakucho picked up. In a panicked state he began explaining what he had done, though Kakucho stopped him. "they don't want to see you right now. Leave them alone." he replied, clearly feeling bad for the other party. "Are they with you?" he asked. "No" he replied. "Are you lying to me?" Izana asked. "no." he sighed. "Where do you think they would go if they had no where else to go, Izana?" Kakucho asked.

Their parents. The answer was glaringly obvious but he was so panicked it didn't even cross his mind. "But, Izana now is not the time. Please. Give it a few days. Imagine how they feel." Kakucho replied. "fine..." he sighed.

The next few days Izana spent thinking of what to say and how to apologize. The more he thought over that night, the more he realized he fucked up. As he sat at a table at a cafe that had been your first date with him, he saw you crossing the road, talking with Kokonoi and Inui who also happened to be your friends.

However the more he looked the more he realized that even though you were smiling it wasn't reaching your eyes. It then dawned how much he had truly hurt you. He then raced towards you, not caring if others were watching.

He didn't give a fuck about how crazy he looked in that moment as he sprinted towards you because he knew that if he prolonged this any longer it would only hurt you even more. "y/N!" he yelled, causing you to jolt, effectively capturing your attention as well as Inui and Kokonoi's as well.

"The hell do you want?" Kokonoi hissed as he protectively put his arm in front of you. "Can't you see they don't want to see you! You slapped them and hurt them and you have the AUDACITY to come out here and follow us!?" "Koko... it's ok. Thank you for caring about my safety" you smiled softly at the taller man while Inui glared at Izana. "Fuck this up and I promise you, you won't be allowed to be even within a continent of them" Inui growled before they walked away, allowing the two fo you your privacy.

The two of you then decided to talk it over at the cafe he'd been sitting at. As the two of you sat down, it was then you finally got a good look at him. There were bags under his eyes, his hair was disheveled, and he was distraught.

"y/n I'm so sorry. You deserve so much better... It wasn't your fault to begin with. This whole mess was my fault and... and it wasn't your fault. It was never your fault. I was out of line. God you must hate me... you can't even look at me in the eyes." he mumbled as he let out a sad chuckle.

He felt his chances growing smaller and smaller with each passing minute. He was sure this was the end. The more he thought about it, the more he should've seen this coming. He was so harsh to you, spewing insult after insult at you, yet you always came back to him every time.

The silence was suffocating him. 'Just end it already' he thought to himself as he gazed up at you. 'I can't take it anymore. It hurts.' "Izana '' You spoke up finally, causing him to jolt as he slowly looked up at you. "I think I finally understand you… you’re scared.” you looked down at your lap. Just where were you going with this? He didn’t know. “You’re scared of being happy because the last time you were happy everything came crashing down like a castle of sand… That’s gotta be the reason you keep hurting me right? That’s what I keep telling myself anyway. But every single time this happens the harder it is for me to trust you. To trust that you even care about me anymore. You always tell me you love me, Izana, but I don’t know if I believe it anymore” you sighed as you began tearing up.

The more you spoke the more he realized how badly he fucked up. “I thought this was real, was this real? Or were you just using me just like everyone else? Were you using me to get happy? It’s getting difficult and I’m not sure how long I can keep doing this… especially after you won’t even allow me to meet new people” you muttered. “y/n… I’m so sorry” he sighed, running his hand through his hair. “I never realized you felt this way… god you should’ve told me” “You never cared enough to ask” you muttered.

Izana then got up from his seat across from you before he took you in his arms. He knew the damage he’d done was irreparable, but at least he could try to make it up to you in other ways. “I’m so sorry I made you think I never loved you. God I never meant for that to happen. You’re my home, y/n. I should’ve been more open… I shouldn’t have let my fears take over, I’m sorry. And I know ‘sorry’ isn’t what you want to hear from me right now, but I promise I still love you and I promise I’ll never let this happen again” he choked as he shook his head, truly feeling bad for what he’d done to you. “Izana… please can’t we just go back to how things were when we first fell in love?” you whispered. “I’m sorry… I don’t think that’s possible, but I promise I’ll give you the best possible future.. Just don’t leave. Please” he begged, his voice growing softer towards the end of his sentence.

“Ok… Just know that I’m going to make sure you keep your promise” you smiled, the same smile he’d fallen for when he was child. “I will. Thank you” he smiled.

“You idiot… you broke our promise” you sobbed as you knelt at his grave, holding a bouquet of red tulips and stargazer lilies close to your chest.

A/n: Thank you for your support

[kienava]

“I broke my promise.”

The fire crackles and pops, and Blake wonders if it’s eaten her whisper.

There’s a long moment where all she hears is the fire smacking its lips and waves lapping up onto the beach to claim the scraps of her admission.

Beside her, the sand shifts. Yang rolls onto her side and Blake can feel wide, patient eyes watching her, but she can’t look.

So she stays fixed on the ocean - Is it an ocean? Is it even real? - as it recedes, retreats.

“Blake,” Yang says. She’s waiting for more, and the only reason Blake can bring herself to say it is because she’s tired of making Yang wait for her.

“When you... when she made you fall,” Blake explains. She isn’t sure why she refuses to say Neo’s name. Part of her believes it’s because names have power and she doesn’t want to relinquish an ounce more to Neo - but then she remembers another name she wouldn’t dare to speak, and she never felt power in those silences.

Yang sits up, moving so that only a sliver of firelight separates their shoulders. “You can’t blame yourself for that. Blake, even if I could barely see it, I know you did everything you could to try and save me.”

Blake takes in a shaky breath. “That’s not what I mean.”

“It’s not?”

“Of course I feel terrible that I couldn’t save you, but something else happened. After you were gone.”

Because Yang is wonderful and infuriating in the space of a blink, she waits. She’d give Blake a universe’s worth of space, and then she’d make a ridiculous joke about it - Get it? Space?

Collapsing in Yang’s arms on a beach sounds a lot like something Blake would have dreamt about in her bunk back at Beacon, a comforting, peaceful image that could lull her to sleep with the wispy promise to bring such a fantastical future one night closer. It’s all Blake wants to do, let herself be held, but she can’t. Not when her entire being is weighed down by the blunt awareness of what she almost did.

Blake gives herself one breath, one last cycle of the waves before she says something that she swears will make Yang hate her.

She promised to stay by Yang’s side no matter what - but she never asked Yang to make the same vow. She won’t blame her if she leaves.

The ocean crawls back, allowing itself one glittering moment to kiss the shore, and then it leaves again. That’s just the way it is. Blake thinks about how people are mostly water, how they ebb and flow, vanish into the sky and into the ground. How they help things grow.

Blake means to whisper, but it comes out all at once, so loud the fire can’t swallow it up. “I tried to kill her.”

Yang doesn’t move. She doesn’t freeze, and she doesn’t gasp in shock.

And Blake has no idea what that means.

Then, Blake feels a gentle, cool touch settle on her shoulder. She’s wrapped up in herself, knees pulled into her chest, withdrawn, and she doesn’t deserve to be pulled out of it.

Again, Yang says nothing, just offers that one wistful smile. Back when she was trying to understand why that smile broke her heart, Blake used to think that it looked a little bit sad, but now she understands. Now she knows what Yang means to her, and her heart is breaking all over again. She’s pretty sure she’s set a record for how many times that can happen inside of three days.

“What promise?” Yang asks. There’s no judgment in her expression, only a quiet desire to understand. Another small heartbreak.

“Adam,” Blake says, shunting the name off as quickly as she can, whittling it from her tongue. They’d only talked about it once, and Yang had been resolute. Blake, not so much. She might be even less convinced now, in the wake of the past few hours. “Maybe we had no choice against him, but I promised myself I would never do something like that again. Then when I thought you were... I thought she had...”

Blake remembers the mecha under the bridge, flashes of red at Beacon and at the waterfall. It hurt more each time, that premier ache blossoming into a cellular agony. Hours later, it’s still wracking her nerves. To think about it is to relive it.

Yang speaks, cool aloe on a blistered sunburn. “What stopped you? With Neo?”

“Weiss was in trouble. I had to choose. But if I hadn’t had that choice I don’t know what I--”

“Okay. Am I gonna have to stage another intervention?”

Blake snaps to look at her. “What?”

“Remember when you didn’t sleep for, like, a week?”

“Yeah, but this is different.”

Yang turns and crosses her legs, facing Blake just as she had years before, sitting on a desk at the front of a lecture hall. “Sounds like you’re beating yourself up over something that didn’t even happen.”

Blake faces her, because that’s what you do when you’re suddenly arguing with someone who doesn’t hate you as much as they should. “Yang, I tried to kill her. I wanted to.”

“Do you know how many times I’ve wanted to kill Ozpin? Or Raven?”

“It’s not the same.”

“Why?”

“You never had a sword pointed at their necks!”

Yang shrugs. “I don’t fight with a sword.”

“Why don’t you hate me?!” Blake shouts and almost falls back, startled by her own voice.

Now, finally, Yang looks like she’s been stung - it’s for all the wrong reasons, and Blake’s stomach twists. She curls into herself again, burying her face behind her knees and locking her hands behind her own neck.

“I could never hate you, Blake.”

There’s so much hurt in her voice, a deep crack that reminds Blake of the first time she saw Yang cry.

She should apologize, but she can’t undo what she’s said. She can’t take back any of how she felt after watching Yang plummet into oblivion.

Before she can decide on any particular course of inaction, she’s being pulled out of her miserable little cube, and she can’t stop herself from falling into Yang’s open arms.

Earlier, when she saw Yang alive, the guilt burned away long enough for Blake to take after the waves kissing the shoreline.

All she can think now, wrapped in Yang’s arms, is that she doesn’t deserve it.

It would have been easier, maybe, if Yang hated her enough to walk away. Blake can’t very well walk away from herself. Her semblance can leave endless copies of her behind, but she’s always going to be stuck with the original. In moments like this, it feels like a fitting punishment.

With Yang holding on to her so tightly, Blake feels like a tormented copy, shattering endlessly, never escaping. She knows it’s a defense mechanism, but that doesn’t mean she knows how to stop it from coming on. Her self is as real an enemy as another.

Foolishly, she hopes that Yang is going to kiss her again when the embrace starts to break. Instead, Yang rests her forehead on Blake’s, and it’s another familiar reassurance that Blake doesn’t know how to accept.

“If you feel like you broke a promise to yourself, there’s only one person who can forgive you,” Yang says, her words smoldering like embers. Blake feels their warmth in her skin.

Blake is crying - she’s been crying, probably the whole time since Yang fell - but now Yang is here to catch the tears.

She’s right, Blake knows.

It’s hard to break old habits, and perhaps even harder to form new ones, and no one can do any of it for her. But Yang believes, and she remembers all the times Blake proved that she had compassion to spare. Why shouldn’t she offer some to herself? In Yang’s arms, it’s a little bit easier for Blake to believe that she deserves it.

[cross-posted on AO3]

***

[arcadejohn127-9]

Hello!1st I wanted to say i love your blog its *chefs kiss*,and 2nd could I request (i dont know if this is in someway triggering or not so i apologize) a MC who doesnt believe the brothers can love them 'cause they despise themself and they are so set on (?) with that mindset that the brothers cant convince them otherwise,but MC themself wants to feel loved they...just cant...and they just breakdown saying they arent special and when the brothers meet other humans they will realise that MC is nothing,that they are a horrible being and they will leave them for somebody better,does that make sense I dont wanna go too deep into it(totaaaaally not self projecting)I am so sorry if this is a sensitive topic,feel free to ignore this ask,this has been eating me out for weeks so I just wanted to seek some comfort.Once again your blog is great and dont overwork yourself, take care! :D 🤍

I've definitely been there and even now, I still have these fears. Growing out of these Insecurities and feelings are hard even if you work hard to be as confident as you can. One day it'll happen but until then you just gotta keep reminding yourself that you're worth the world

Also tip, please don't rely on others for self worth - people can be cruel or simply just unpredictable. Not all but until you see every colour of a person you don't know. If you depend on someone else to give you worth and make you feel good then that'll start a very unhealthy cycle for yourself

I hate this phase "love yourself before you love others" because you don't need to, you can find healthy and happy relationships whilst insecure. But I think what it really means is; get self worth before you love another. Make sure you don't do yourself damage by giving you Someone who does the bare minimum or will sometimes make you feel good but is usually a dick.

You can find love but that love can be wrong if you don't pay attention to the red flags. Don't let your insecurities drag you into unhealthy relationships.

Because you are stunning, worth it and loveable. You're Someone people can look up to or admire even if it's for something simple like your humour.

Also thank you, I'll be sure to not overwork myself, make sure you don't pressure yourself too hard about work or your hobbies. Hobbies are all about fun!

Warning: self loathing, depressive themes, angst

You could stand it.

Your eyes traveled along the gifts and trinkets that were in your room. Each one gifted to you by a powerful demon; a demon you live with.

You couldn't stand it.

You could get it; why would someone like that every like you? You weren't special and yet Everyone insisted that you were. You're not the key. Not anything Diavolo wants or expects. Definitely not what the brothers want.

You had to scoff. The brothers only like you because of Lilith, if you were related then they'd never see you as anything but some human. Lilith dragged you here, she made sure you came here and for what? To be always told you're going to be some big thing; someone to destroy hatred and help bring together three realms.

Do they not realize how much pressure that is??!!!! And the how are you even going to do that?! You're magic is unpredictable and useless - it perfectly reflects you.

You whimpered at your own thoughts. The word useless stinging at your heart; it was almost if a knife lodged itself into your chest. Constantly stabbing the word useless into it.

You were useless. They need to find someone who can actually live up to their expectations. Just a good for nothing human....why do they even like you?

You looked back at the gifts, your watery stare turning into a hateful glare.

The question was burning inside your head. You couldn't understand; what did he see in you? You're not special! You're not anything anyone wants you to be and you're just being forced on a pedestal you didn't make!

Why did he always look at you the way he does? Like you actually mean something. Why does he smile so softly when you enter the room?

Why would he be like that when you KNOW that as soon as he meets another human, he'll be running after them without hesitation. Everyone was so much more attractive than you and better than you - you couldn't get why he loved you. Why- no how?! You weren't good enough for him!

No matter how many times he says I love you or compliments you it leaves such a bitter disgusting taste in your mouth. You're so horrible you can't even let people be nice to you - it's all a lie anyway. No one could love you. Never. No one!

You were useless! Disgusting! You weren't even attractive! You weren't loveable! You're a horrible person who looks just as horrible as they are. How can they look at you like that?! How can they stand you?! You're nothing!

You don't get it!

Why?! Why why why Why why why Why why why Why why why Why why why Why why why Why why why Why why why Why why why Why why why Why why why Why why why Why why why Why why why Why why why Why why why Why why why Why why why Why why why Why why why Why why why Why why why Why why why Why why why-!

A scream ripped itself out of your throat. Tears streaming down your face as you clutched your head. Your body curled into itself, shaking and trembling as you choked on your sobs. You coughed through it as you tried to breath but the tears kept coming. Drowning you as you desperately tried to breath under their weight.

The pain was unbelievable. You felt like your head was on fire. You could barely even make out the figure standing at your door. Whoever they were, they scooped you up from the floor and rubbed circles into your arms. You clutched to them for dear life as you cried.

Somewhere in your brain you could tell who it was and it only made you cry harder. Shame filling your lungs as you tried to escape their caring embrace.

"No-! Stop it! I'm nothing! I'm useless-! Let me go-!! Why- why won't you leave me alone?! I'M NOT GOOD ENOUGH FOR YOU!!! LEAVE ME ALONE!!! LET ME DIE-!"

were you dying? You felt like it. The ache was painful; your chest growing tighter and tighter. You pounded on their chest, demanding they let you be the useless thing that you are alone.

Lucifer:

He forced back his tears

Just rubbing circles into your skin as he held you

To think you were this Insecure despite being the nicest person who knew

You were Better than him and don't let pride stop you - you were amazing

"not good enough for me? What made you believe that...? You're perfect for me, you complete me."

You denied his claims, sobbing as you listed your insecurities

"Your insecurities don't define you, you're so much more than that - I wouldn't of picked you to be my love if I didn't think you'd be adequate."

He wasn't sure if you were still listening but he pushed past his doubts

Adjusting you in his embrace

"I- I'm not sure if I'm comforting you....I'm not good at being the gentle hand, I want you to see how I see you - you're kind, charming and always keeping me in awe, you mean so much to me, I'll trade anything I could just to see you smile - I love you."

Mammon:

There can only be one self loathing idioit in this relationship

He refuses to let you feel like how he has

His forced confidence - you could easily see through it - anyone could

But you were the only one who then actually helped him feel better when you did see through it

He let a few tears stray, holding you close

"did someone say something to you? I don't forgive 'em for ever making ya this upset, I'm not letting you feel like this."

You shook your head, muttering that he should let you

"why should I? You're my favourite person and you've only made me happy - so let me make you happy! You're the only person who's ever treated me the way ya treat me and I won't let you hate yourself!"

He hugged you even tighter, squeezing you as he hid his face in your shoulder

"you're the best thing that's ever happened to me, okay? You always know how to make me feel better and it's my turn to make you feel better but you gotta listen to me! I lo-love you! The great Mammon loves you so badly that he just wants to kiss you every day! You're amazing and I won't forgive ya if you let yourself keep going on like this, let me support you.... please...I don't want you to go."

Levithan:

He couldn't get it

He's always been jealous of your personality and ability to make others feel good

His envy makes him despise himself - so seeing you be the same, he couldn't take it

He gave you one big squeeze

"d-don't be stupid! You're the best thing that's come into my life - even better than ruri-chan!"

You didn't believe him, he was obessed with that character

"but it's true-! If I could I'd get loads of merchandise of you too because you're my favourite person! You're just like the protagonists I read about."

His face was beat red but he was determined to make you feel better

"You're Henry, you are brave and kind, always trying your best even if that best isn't up to your own or others standards, you Inspire me! I've thought about of making a series about you...so others can feel just as happy as I do when I see you, you make me feel less insecure and like I actually mean something - why can I do to make you feel the same? You mean everything to me! I really like you....I like-like you-! I LOVE YOU AND I WANT YOU TO BE HAPPY! Let me make you feel how you make me feel because then you'll see just how amazing you are!"

Satan:

Did someone makes you feel like this or was it just your own thoughts?

If it isn't the latter he'll need to find out who's hurt you

But right now, he hugged you tighter and cradled your head

He couldn't stand to see and hear you so destressed

"did I do something to make you feel like this? I'm so sorry if I did, I don't always realize when I come off rude or hateful- I could never hate you."

You held him tight, telling him to stop

"but I need to fix it if I've hurt you and if it wasn't me then whoever did needs to keep quiet, you don't deserve these feelings."

You huffed, trying to not cry more

He gave your Shoulder a small squeeze

"you're more than enough for me, you're so good to me - sometimes I wonder if I'm good enough for you, you're always so patient with me and don't make me feel like I'm some unthinking beast, you don't think I'm lying when I be genuine and that makes me love you - I do love you - you make me feel good and I want to do the same for you, you're beyond good and I'll always be happy with the person you are and can become because I know you can do so much and always bring positivity even in the darkest times."

Asmodeus:

He's crying too

He hated of being seen as insecure

He only wanted confidence

Seeing you sob and beat on yourself like this only reminded him of his most private moments

He held you even closer, rocking you gently

"No, dear, I love you too much to let you feel like this, you're amazing to me and I think you're better than even myself, you're my number 1."

You shook your head, telling him he's lying

"I'm not, why would I lie? You're the sweetest person I know, you don't see me as some sex object - you make me feel real and happy - so so happy."

He kissed the top of your head, hiding his tear streaked face

"I want you to be happy....you deserve it, you've got only so long to live and I'm so scared that you're going to hate yourself even until you die, I don't want that! You're beautiful amazing and I could never ask for anyone better! Please- just let's work on our confidence together...okay? You're so wonderful, don't let yourself become so hateful."

Beezlebub:

He's absolutely broken

How didn't he realize you felt this bad about yourself??

He didn't even realize he was crying aswell, just holding you close as his mind screamed at him

"did something make you feel like this? It hurts to hear you say these things."

You shook your head before nodding, muttering you just won't talk anymore

"I didn't mean that, I always want you to be open with me and if not me, atleast one of my brother's."

He picked you up, placing you in a more comfortable position and held you close to his chest

"I love you, it took me awhile to realize that but I do, you make me feel full and happy - like I just ate a big buffet of warm cakes and dishes, I'm always warm when I'm with you, I don't believe you're not good enough - you're kind to me and never judge me for eating, you help me with working out but most importantly, you fixed my family and brought my twin back, I don't know how to make you see how much that means to me and I don't want you to feel bad about yourself when you're always the best person in the room - you're really great."

Belphegor:

"just let me die"

Those words hurt him so bad

He was like that, he demanded to be left to Rot with his own self loathing when Lilith died

He pulled you close to his chest as he grabbed your shoulder

"You're not allowed to feel like this, you've done nothing to feel this much hatred towards yourself."

You told him he was wrong, crying harder

"when am I wrong? I- okay, I can be wrong but I'm not wrong about you, you're my favourite person which means I love you and I don't let my favourite people sit and cry."

He cuddled you, nuzzling his cheek against yours

"You saved me and I will never able to make it up to you, I've hurt you and I hate it- I hate that I'm a reason you get scared, don't ever let yourself rot away, when my brother's just leave me to sleep I always feel so much dread - that I'm being left to die in my bed and will never get to see their faces again - I'll never be able to see your face again....I wouldn't be able to take it.....seeing you everyday makes me want to leave my bed and always make sure you smile, let me make you smile again."

[softdrabbles]

as carmen pulled out the familiar necklace, daxton could feel another wave of big emotions coming on, listening to her explain that she'd basically never taken it off, that a piece of them had always been with her. gently they reached their hand to hold the charm for a brief moment, their thumb grazing the locket before letting it go. they didn't need to see the inside to know what the photo or engraving was, they remembered. the fact that she had thought she had lost it broke her, broke them. daxton could only imagine how devastated they would have felt if they'd lost the photo of the two of them. it was hard for daxton to express how they felt, how much it meant to them that she carried them with her.

the love they had for her only grew in that moment. they too reached under their shirt to pull out the cuban chain around their neck she had gifted to them to show her, "i understand. i've never taken this off either, except when i got arrested, they had to force me." the daxton she had known and loved more or less had died, it wasn't a silly thing for her to say. "in a way i had died," they shrugged, their voice soft. "there wasn't one day where i didn't wish i could be with you so i'm glad you found comfort in that necklace." hearing that she had no hate for them just didn't feel right, it was something they deserved, especially what they had put her through and they couldn't imagine what she'd have thought when she found out what they had done to ashton. "i wish i could forgive myself the way you have forgiven me."

the one thing about carmen was she had always continually showed up for them, proved it time and time again when no-one else did. it really made daxton realise how far they'd pushed her to get to her extent. their mind still lingered on her use of past tense, a part of them hoping that she still loved them the way they loved her. "it's okay, there's only so much one person can take. i know you offered me help and i wanted to take it, i knew i needed help but i just couldn't break the cycle," they sighed glancing at their hands, "you had to take care of yourself and that meant letting me go. i wasn't angry at you for it." from helping feed them school lunches, to tutoring them, to patching up their injuries and pulling them out of fights, carmen was there. there was no-one like her. no-one that loved them the way she did.

a small smile broke on their lips hearing about the woman's mother asking about them. "you'll finally have some news for her." at the mention of ashton, their smile faltered. they weren't sure their twin would be ready for something like that or if they could even face them. "it sounds like they're doing just fine without me." for a moment dax stayed quiet, "i use to watch our old vlogs together. i can't believe how i treated them, what i did to them after everything they were trying to do to help me. that's not who i am. we've always been so close." sure daxton had been talking to a therapist but this was different, it felt so much better talking to someone close to the situation, that really understood how vulnerable they were. dax nodded, of course they had noticed that he was harsher on them, thinking it was because of their interest in carmen. "he was just another person i'd let down for multiple reasons. he'd given so much of his time to them making an effort to be involved in their life in a way their own parents couldn't."

the moment they felt carmen curl up even closer into them made dax want to wrap an arm around her and they would have if their hands had been free, aching to hold her, even for just a moment. their bodies had always said so much, even before they started dating, the years of secret pining leading up to the moment they'd kissed for the first time. as carmen's hand found their cheek, daxton instinctively leaned into it, the only touch they allowed. no-one had touched them like this, the way carmen did in years, something they would not allow while with anyone else. processing her words, it was hard not to kiss her. it made them want to stay. stay for her. as their eyes searched hers, they spoke softly, "i never stopped loving you. i will never stop loving you. ever and i know my heart is safe with you, just like it has been the last four years." they didn't expect anything from her, they just needed her to know how much she meant to them. that she had their whole heart and always would. they had almost died and they promised themselves if they ever saw her again they'd tell her just how they felt.

the woman's smile was captivating, it always had been. it made daxton weak at the knees, her words so familiar. "when have i ever just said that to you? huh?" they teased giving her a playful nudge before taking their entwined hands and gently held them up to their rapidly beating chest, "believe me now? the effect you have on me?" it was what they had done as a teenager when she hadn't believed them. their heart raced whenever she was near. "i wish you could see yourself through my eyes, you'd never doubt it again." when the compliment was turned on them, there was a tint of pink in their cheeks. nothing made them feel more validated then being called handsome. they were looking much healthier than the last time she'd seen them, all their hard work being appreciated. they'd been working out, defining their arms, their hands. "we're quite the pair."

she couldn't even be the one to talk when it came to keeping sentimental pieces or things. carmen had a box full of things dax has given them over the course of their relationship. she wore one piece specifically all the time and always touched the charm attached to the chain whenever she was feeling overwhelmed. she moved the charm out from under her shirt. " this here has never left my neck." the necklace in question was the one daxton had given them. " except maybe the one time the chain broke and i cried for days when i didn't realize it had snapped off. thankfully it was in the cafe and one of my employees found the charm when closing up." she wrapped her fingers around teh charm. " having it made it feel like you were always with me." a soft laugh escaped her lips. " god im talking like as if you died or something." and truly it felt like it did. they spent most of their years together until suddently they were no longer in each other's lives. their apology did mean a lot to them. it's what she had been looking for. " i appreciate your apology, dax. like i said, i forgive you for everything. i have no hate for you in my heart, and i never did." she felt safe once again by not only being here with daxton but also feeling their warmth and skin against her own. those walls were still up ironically but she also wanted to cherish this moment considering this is what she had missed and hopefully would heal something in her that she had been longing for. " yes well...i loved you dearly and wasn't going to give up on you. i meant what i said when i said i would be there for you no matter what. well, i guess to an extent i suppose." her last words spoken softly. she shook her head. " basically what im saying is, i didn't want to give up on you. we were best friends before we became partners. i always took care of you and didn't want to stop doing that." from tutoring them after school to consoling them when their parents threw them and ash out to the injuries they sustained from skateboarding to so much more. carmen was alwasy there - and not because they had to. because they wanted to. carmen sighed. " i know. i wish they had cared to ask about you. if it means anything my mom asks about you still. even after all these years. she tells ash all the time that you two needed to make up and that you two needed each other. but hey, you know that's what shes always wanted." she shrugged her shoulders. hearing about their dad from dax, it made her smile. her dad and dax were two peas in a pod. her dad adored dax. " you know how my dad is. protective of both me and luna, but he was a lot tougher on you. he wanted to see you grow and change and be the successful person he wanted you to be." the femme glanced down at their now linked pinkies which made carmen curl up closer to daxton. the silence between them was no longer awkward. it was enjoyable and light. she could've stayed a bit longer in silence. carmen moved away slightly to look at them. she took her free hand and placed it on daxton's cheek. her light eyes boring into dax's dark hues. " i'ved missed you more than you could have ever known." she replied back. their compliment making her smile grow, but made her shake her head. " no, you're just saying that." it took her back to when they were young and they had complimented her on her looks for the first time. " you're still as handsome as ever. absolutely gorgeous."

[yandere-daydreams]

Title: Revision.

Commissioned by the very lovely @pyrokittyowo.

Pairing: Yandere!Simeon/Reader (Obey Me).

Word Count: 2.2k.

TW: Past Trauma, Toxic Relationships, Codependency, Infantilization, Isolation, Mentions of Physical Abuse, Manipulation, Gaslighting.

The sun never sets in the Celestial Realm.

It’s less whimsical than it sounds, to be fair. Sleep is a luxury for angels, a way to pass time for the young and the injured, but that hadn't been something Simeon thought to tell you when you first arrived, as you tried to follow his mangled, irregular cycle of rest and work. You’d gotten the hang of it with time, carved out your own routine and forced yourself to follow it, but you’d be lying if you said you were completely used to it. It was grating, if anything, just how bright all of it was, the shine only amplified by the ivory and gold angels seemed so fond of. It was overwhelming, really. If you hadn’t known better, you might’ve called it unbearable.

But, you did know better. This realm was warm, but not stifling, not half as oppressive as the Devildom had been. It didn’t have the same constant chill, a pervasive darkness only made worse by the humid air and that invasive metallic scent, like stone and rock and the blood that must've been soaked into the cracks of both. The darkness was worse. All of it was worse, but you tried to keep your mind on the landscape, the starless sky, the bleakness you’d slowly grown to hate.

If you let yourself think about anything else, you’d have to think about the people you’d met, the brothers, the way they’d looked at you. You’d have to remember how tight Mammon’s grip had been, the first time he took you by the wrist rather than the hand, or how dull Beelzebub's fangs were and how much it hurt when he drove them into your skin, your chest, the sensitive area just below your collarbone that never failed to bleed, when it bit down. You’d have to think about how Lucifer’s hand felt as it wrapped around your neck, the sound of your own failing breath, the way he’d laughed as you—

You inhaled sharply, cutting yourself off before you could get any more lost in the memory.

Because that’s what it was – just a memory. Something you’d never have to worry about again, thanks to Simeon.

Still, you were allowed to complain. Even indoors, perched in one of the many bay windows spotted around Simeon’s sizable chambers, you could feel the unyielding sun, notice the light start to eat away at your vision like a hungry, gnawing parasite. There were clouds in the sky, perfect wisps of nothing, but they'd been their since the day you first arrived, fixed features on an unchanging canvas. They wouldn't move. You already knew that. Nothing moved in the Celestial Realm, not unless it had a reason to.

And yet, you found yourself opening your mouth regardless, asking the question that’d been playing on your tongue all day. You could let yourself have this. You could hope that were wrong. It wasn't like this would be the first time. “It doesn’t rain here, does it?”

Immediately, there was a hum from across the room, one of the many soft sounds Simeon seemed to be so fond of. You should’ve been glad he was there to answer at all, really. Simeon spent most of the day tending to his vague responsibilities. If he had time to sit around, pouring over a scroll in a language you couldn’t recognize, it must’ve meant it was either too early in the morning or too late at night for him to be bothered with anything else. You couldn’t be sure which, not when the two were so impossible to tell apart. “Rarely,” He replied, still distracted. “Michael tries not to leave the weather up to chance. If he needed a storm, I’d be able to tell you weeks in advance.”

You almost felt bad for him. You would’ve hated it, knowing everything long before it actually happened, but you doubted Simeon would ever let himself be so careless. “I don’t know how I’d stay sane,” You admitted, your gaze moving back to the window. A white dove had landed on the edge of Simeon’s windowsill, meticulously sorting through bleached feathers with its pointed beak, and idly, you wondered if the animals bothered to regulate themselves, too. “You wouldn't like my hometown. Couldn’t see the sky most days, and when you could, it was nearly too hot to go outside. Never stopped it from snowing a month before winter, though.” You paused, letting yourself smile at the thought. You missed it; you weren’t going to try to deny that. You were still allowed to miss things. “Luke would probably love it. Say what you want about humans, but we've never gotten a bakery wrong.”

Simeon didn’t hum, this time. The silence couldn’t have lasted more than a few seconds, but your heart still found a way to tighten in your chest, stopping completely as you heard his chair scrape against the floor, sharp footsteps following the noise immediately. You couldn’t bring yourself to look at him, and he was kind enough not to force you to, brushing off your avoidance as he positioned himself on the opposite side of your small shelter. It wasn't much of an improvement, though. If he'd just let himself be a little more cruel, you might've had the pleasure of hating him for it.

“You’re thinking about the human world again.”

He was getting straight to the point. You couldn’t say you weren’t thankful.

“How can I not?” You tried to laugh, but it came out strained, out of place against his sober expression. “I haven’t been home in a year. I’m bound to want to go back, eventually.”

“You know it’s not safe.” It was a familiar mantra, one you should’ve been numb to, but it still found a way to hurt, to linger, accumulate into a small, aching knot in the back of your throat as you reminded yourself that he was only doing it because he cared. That was all – he cared. He didn’t want to see you get hurt, not again. He didn’t want to see you face anything more harmful than his clumsy comfort, even if he did have a strange way of showing it. “We’ve talked about this before, (Y/n). It’s still too early to tell if Lucifer left any lasting damage. There could still be a tracking spell I haven’t discovered yet, or worse.” There was a pause, and a gloved hand came to rest on your knee. You could’ve mouthed the words, as he said them. “I can keep you safe here, but your world is neutral territory. I might not be able to stop him, if he and his brothers tried to take you away.”

You hated the way he said it. Part of you, a persistent minority, still wanted to think this was all a misunderstanding, a result of crossed wires and mixed messages and the kind of miscommunications that only ever led to such awful things. You knew it was unhealthy, to try to tint your own memories with such a forgiving light, but that didn't help you smother the temptation to believe all the soft, pleasant encouragements Asmodeus had whispered in your ear as his brothers lived out their distorted, carnal fantasies. Whatever Simeon was trying to do, it certainly wasn’t helping, either.

“I’ll be careful,” You tried, slouching against the glass. It was warm to the touch, a feeling you savored under his cold gaze. “It’d be a day trip, at most. Just a few hours. I…” He was wearing the silk gloves, today, soft and smooth as he raised his hand, cupping your cheek without a trace of hesitation. You trailed off instantly, still unused to the gentleness. “I just want to see my family, that’s all. Even if it’s only for a few minutes.”

“You’re bored of me, now?” It was supposed to be playful, the question accompanied by a light chuckle, but you still shook your head, leaning into his palm as you went on. “I can’t say I blame you. I know I’m not one for company, but if you’re dying for entertainment, I can see what—”

“It’s not just that.” You should've let him finish, but it was already too late to stop yourself. You didn’t want to stop yourself, if you were being honest. You just wanted to go somewhere else, somewhere different, a place where the sky didn’t hurt to look at and the sun wasn’t so willing to punish you for existing. You wanted to be able to step outside without worrying whether or not your angelic hosts still thought you were worthy of their concern. You didn’t want this, anymore, even if it was the better option. “I’m just tired, Simeon. I’m tired of being here, I’m tired of running, and I just want to go home—”

There was a small huff, a sharp crack. By the time you realized what happed, by the time that sudden acidic sting faded into a steady throb, his thumb was already digging into your jaw, your head forcibly tilted back in such a way that made it so you had to look at him. You couldn’t avoid the softened anger in his eyes, or the stiffness in his posture, or that tight, unignorable scowl. He was disappointed, and he wanted you to know you were the reason why. He was mad at you, and you’d done everything to earn it.

When he spoke, he did so slowly. Like he was talking to a child who hadn’t quite come to terms with reality, just yet. “I’ve taken care of you, haven’t I?”

“You have.” There was no point trying to deny it. If it hadn’t been for Simeon, you’d still be rotting in that hellscape, subject to the whims of a family of monsters. He'd saved you. He'd helped you escape, and you had to be thankful for that. “I just don’t know if I can—”

“And you care about me, right? You don’t want to see me worry?”

You hesitated, but your answer was inevitable “Of course.”

“And you do remember the last thing Belphie said to you, don’t you? What he did to send you running to me?” He let himself smile, despite the nature of the question. “I could barely understand you back then, with the crying and all. Honestly, I almost didn't notice you were begging me to save you.” It was easy to forget how Simeon could be, when he knew he was right. Most of the time, his confidence was comforting, a gentle reminder that you could trust him, that you should trust him. Right now, it just made you feel weak. “What was it, again? C’mon, love, you can tell me, can’t you?”

You could. Objectively, you could, if you tried to. You could force your mouth to make the words, you could shut your eyes and let Simeon guide you through it, and you could tell yourself they were just memories, that you were somewhere else now, that you were somewhere better, but…

But, you really, really didn’t want to, and you couldn’t convince yourself you did.

If you did, you’d have to remember how tightly Belphegor had held your hand, as he said it, his fingers intertwined with yours and his grip strong enough to leave your palm bruised, after he pulled away. You’d have to think about the small smile he wore, the hatred in his half-lidded eyes, the chill that'd run down your spine as he hid his face in the crook of your shoulder and told you that, if you ever tried to leave him, if he ever had to share you with anyone beyond the six exceptions he was already making, he’d kill you. It was as simple as that.

If he ever saw you again, he’d kill you.

You were safe, here. You were safe in the Celestial Realm, you were safe with Simeon, but you still found yourself choking on the words, your throat going dry as your shoulders pitched forward, a bolt of something frozen striking your chest before you could ward it off. You couldn't be sure why something so distant would make you cry, but you could feel it coming on – hot tears welling in your eyes, blurring your vision, threatening to spill over and strip you of what little pride you had left, but Simeon only wiped them away, as doting as he always was. As loving as he always was, even when you took his patience for granted. Even when you hesitated to lean into him, as he pulled you into his chest, urging you to hide your face and treat him like the pillar of support he was so clearly trying to be. Even when you didn't deserve it, when you didn't deserve him, when you didn't deserve any of this, not when he was kind enough to pretend he didn't know that just as well as you.

“Poor little thing.” He was humming, now, his tone teetering on the line between carelessness and comfort. You couldn’t bring yourself to care, not in the moment, not when it was all you could do to muffle your hitched sobs into small, pathetic whimpers. “It’s nothing to blame yourself for. You just need a little help.” Another pause, elongated and purposeful. Sadistic, in only because he had to try so hard not to be. “You just need someone to protect you. It’s only human.”

It was all you could do to nod, to agree, as mindlessly as you were capable of. You didn’t want to think. You didn’t want to risk remembering something you shouldn’t.

Instead, you just focused on the sunlight streaming the nearest window, how it felt as it hit you.

How, wherever your skin made contact with Simeon’s, it seemed to grow just a little more insufferable than it had been, a second ago.

[sailors-diary-for-elise]

Reaching Out

SEE! SOMETHING OTHER THAN SMUT. Also this one is old and a bit dusty, sooooo warnings are gonna be to the best of my ability. ALSO. THIS IS ANGST AND HAS TRIGGERING THEMES. PLEASE SCROLL PAST IF THE WARNINGS ARE DISTRESSING TO YOU. I wrote this during a really difficult day and was just word vomiting tbh. I am also gonna state that this is a work of fiction and I am in no way a therapist or anything, so if something here bothers you I’m sorry this is just something I wrote mostly for myself.

Warnings: god this is painful but here we go. Reader is depressed and has anxiety, mentions of self-inflicted injuries (she punches a mirror...repeatedly-), blood, panic attacks, it takes a few of the members to restrain the reader so if you’re uncomfortable with that please don’t read this, this is honestly just a hard read imo so please read with care. Also, the reader hates herself and just doesn’t really think highly of herself at all sooooo yeah-

It was the fourth time this month. The fourth argument that could’ve and should’ve ended differently.

You’d come out of your room to find San off at practice or on some work related schedule, spend the entire day outside trying to break a horrible cycle in your mind, just to disappear again once he returned home. It was frustrating you both and causing a serious strain in your relationship.

On San’s side, he couldn’t understand why it was that you would fight against him trying to get you to come out of your room when you spent the entire day alone. Then there was his frustration when you would complain about never seeing him and yet would disappear and avoid him when he was available. To San, it didn’t make any sense. All he wanted to do was spend time with you and support you, but it seemed as though you were determined to shut him out. He watches you storm off to your bedroom, running a hand through his hair as he tries to recall the last time he’d come back from a schedule and had a nice quiet evening that didn’t end in you both screaming at each other. When he can’t, San grabs his jacket and walks out of the apartment with his phone and keys, planning on spending the night at the dorms so that you can have some space to cool off. Once he gets in his car, he quickly dials Hongjoong’s number, pulling out of the parking garage of your complex and letting out all of his frustrations and concerns. 

As he drove, San had no way of knowing how much you hated yourself for what was happening between you both.

What San didn’t know was that your depression and anxiety had been spiraling lately due to the pressure that had been placed on your shoulders from not only your work but from being the girlfriend of an idol that had become so famous. He didn’t know that every day you were terrified that, now that his future was so bright and secure, he’d no longer want you. That he’d leave you just like so many before had done, and that he’d realize you were no longer something of use to him. And finally, how you criticize every minute of your life, finding ways that you are failing even when you’ve done nothing but your best. It came to the point that waking up from dreams was physically painful, because you could control a dream and guarantee the people you love never turned their backs on you. San didn’t, or rather, couldn’t know this. Because to know this would mean you would have to tell him. And no one should have to bear this burden but you, and there was always that small part of you that was terrified of having your feelings invalidated. 

Your whole life people have toyed with you, accepting your depression only when it was convenient to them and berating you once the curtains fall. Some even went as far as to weaponize your emotions, tearing you down in an argument with something that was the equivalent to the beating heart in your chest. Yes they would apologize and you would eventually forgive them because people make mistakes. But the thing about words is that once they leave someone’s mouth, the damage is already done and there’s no amount of remorse or forgiveness that can repair it. That’s where you are now.

You slam the door shut, leaving all the lights in your room turned off, your head pounding after the screaming match you and San had just finished (rather, you ran out on and barricaded the door so he wouldn’t see you cry) and your face stained with tears. Not a sound left you as you curled up on the bed, biting your fist as a punishment for your body's betrayal of emotions. All it would take was one minute of silence and the entire apartment would be able to hear how you were feeling. In all honesty, you didn’t want San to see you cry. Because in your mind, you didn’t deserve to cry. You were the one who picked a fight. You're the one who made unfair accusations, using his career and passions as weapons against him. You were the one that hurt him in the same ways that had been done to you, falsely claiming that it was to “beat him to it and strike first.” 

The front door slams shut, and you work quickly. You unbarricade the door and peek out, making sure no one is there. Dashing across the living space, you reach the spare bedroom and lock the door, not seeing the need for such extreme measures as earlier. You then sit with your back to the door, listening for the sign of San’s safe return from the store. Your butt has just about gone numb when this occurs, the front door shutting softly alerting you instantly. You rise from your position, albeit a little slowly due to your cramped muscles, and shuffle to the bed. A knock sounds, and a decision has to be made.

“Y/N? I know you’re awake. Can you come to bed? You and I both know that neither of us can sleep alone anymore.” San mumbles through the door. You hear shuffling, and you hold your breath thinking he might unlock the door. You’re not sure though, whether you’re holding your breath in hope or fear. But all you hear is a thud, indicating San sitting down. “Look, we don’t have to talk. You don’t even need to look at me, it just feels better for both of us if I’m holding you through the night, because at the end of the day, we still love each other, right?” 

San’s cheeks are marked with tear streaks, eyes red and puffy as he waits for any sign of confirmation from you. He loves you more than anything else, so much so that he’d give up everything for you, and needed to hear that you still loved him as well. He holds his breath, hands covering his face while he waits for you to show him a sign that you’re even listening. That you’re even there. 

You tip-toe over to the door, gently crouching down in front of it and rest your fingertips lightly on the wood, near where his shoulder is supposed to be. It’s cold and unyielding, but this is the bravest you’ll ever be. You hear a sigh on the other side, almost as if he can sense your presence.

“You know, you don’t have to keep it all in. From the first moment I saw you, I knew that there was so much going on in your life that it’d take time to get you to trust me. And I still want that. I want to know what’s going on in your life again. I want to hold you as you're crying again. And I want to repay you for all the times you’ve helped me.” San whispers, his voice showing how much of a toll this has taken on him. “I know a lot has changed, I travel a lot, and it’s harder for us to go anywhere without me being recognized. But I promise you that my feelings for you, the amount of love I feel for you, it’s all still there. If anything, I love you even more now than before. I don’t want to lose you Y/N. I want to keep fighting for us and I just need you to reach out to me, show me you want this too. Open the door, even if it’s just a crack, and let me help heal those open wounds. Yes there will be scars and yes it will take time, but I’m willing to wait.”

At this point you have tears streaming down your face as you withdraw your hand. You don’t move though, despite your broken mind willing you to do so, you stay rooted in your spot. Sniffles break through the other side, showing how much San is hurting. You feel as though there’s a war going on inside of you, your heart begging you to open the door and stop this madness, but your mind resolute on keeping this wall up. 

“I. Can’t.” you croak out, bringing your trembling hand to your lips and nibbling your thumbnail as you rise slowly. “They were right, I don’t deserve it. I don’t deserve you.”

“What? Who told you that?” San questions, confusion swirling in his head as he struggles to better understand where this was coming from. Standing, San presses his hands to the door, trying to open it only to find it locked. “Love, talk to me.”

“All I’ve been doing is hurting you, and I’m sorry. ” You whimper, your mind screaming at you to shut-up and not give away anything while your heart, your very being, is begging to be set free and allow him back in. “I, I love you, San.” And with that you rise, walking towards the bathroom attached to the room. You close the door, locking it and turning to the mirror to see your disheveled state. Tears stain your cheeks, your eyes have bags under them, and your hair is greasy and a mess from the lack of effort on your part to take care of yourself. 

Thoughts swirl and distort your reflection, harsh words clouding your mind. Some of the words surface from your past, some are from deep within you stemming from your lack of forgiveness for yourself. You don’t deserve forgiveness or a second chance. You don’t deserve him caring for you. You’re toxic. You do nothing but hurt him. Toxic. Toxic. 

You start screaming, starting in your gut and ripping out through your mouth, scaring the shit out of San who begins pounding on the door. You hear him calling out to you, but it’s muffled in your head as you continue to sob and scream at your reflection, running your hands through your hair before tugging on it out of frustration. The longer you look at yourself, the worse the feeling in your gut gets as the harsh words continue to tear you apart, worsening with each passing moment. With one last scream you pull your arm back and punch the mirror, desperate to feel something other than the all consuming self-hatred. And it works.

There’s a crack on the mirror with droplets of blood in the center. You bring your trembling hand into view, noticing your knuckles slightly bloodied and cut. The pain replaces all of the noise in your head, if only for a moment, and you become entranced by it. Raising your fist again, you punch the mirror once, twice, three more times before stopping to look at your handy work. The crack has grown and your hand is bleeding steadily, a couple of pieces of glass stuck in your knuckles. You’re ashamed of what and who you’ve become and raise your fist again when the door breaks down.

“WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?!” San shouts, restraining your flailing and screaming form as tears stream down your face. Four pairs of hands are pulling you out of the bathroom, with San’s arms wrapped tightly around your waist as he pulls you on the bed. He immediately starts shushing you, whispering into your hair as he wraps his legs around you as well, restricting you so the others can clean you up and call an ambulance if need be. At this point though, he doesn’t need to as you’ve gone completely limp, sobbing into his neck loudly as the emotions you’ve kept hidden flood out in a wave that swallows you whole. “Shh baby, it’s okay. We’re here now and we’re not leaving you. I’ve got you, we’ve got you. It’s okay, it’s okay.” His voice is trembling, absolutely terrified by what he’s just experienced. It’s lucky that Hongjoong, Yunho, and Seonghwa arrived when they did or he might have been too late, having planned on coming to help San piece back together your relationship. It took Yunho and Seonghwa to break down the doors, and all four of them carried you out of the bathroom so you wouldn’t hurt yourself or them.

Soon, you run out of energy and are left whimpering and quivering in San’s hold, slowly coming to your senses as you hear running water, hushed murmurs, and the cabinet mirror (or what’s left of it) being opened in search of something. When the realization sets in that San, Hongjoong, Seonghwa, and Yunho have seen you at your worst, your chest tightens and your breathing becomes irregular which are the first signs of a panic attack. Something San was familiar with but hadn’t seen happen in some time.

“No no no no.” San repeats, noticing the changes in your behavior and looking towards the bathroom. “Hongjoong! It’s getting worse!”

Immediately, footsteps can be heard heading in your direction, and a gentle face appears in the corner of your eye. Hongjoong slowly reaches forward, grasping the hand that had begun curling in on itself to the point of almost drawing blood and pulling it away from your chest.

“Sweetie, grab my hand and squeeze that instead. You won’t hurt me, I swear.” Hongjoong whispers, slowly working his nimble fingers between your clenched ones. It comes as a surprise to him when, instead of resisting, your hand flies open into a rigid position. “Shh… it’s okay sweet-heart. How about this. Follow this.”

Your hand is placed on a firm and warm chest, a slight bump hitting your palm and drawing your attention to the pattern. It’s his heartbeat. Hongjoong’s pulse creates a rhythm in your head, distracting you from your fears and disdain towards yourself momentarily while Seonghwa and Yunho both return to the room, one holding medical supplies and the other holding a bowl with warm water and a towel. Crouching in front of you, Seonghwa notices the hand on Hongjoong’s chest is the one that’s injured, glancing at San who is fighting back tears as he strokes your hair.

“Y/n-ah. We have to clean your hand. Put your hand on San’s chest, follow his heartbeat.” Seonghwa says in a firm yet kind tone. At this point, you’ve lost almost all self-awareness, too exhausted to fight anyone as you nod partially, removing your hand from Hongjoong’s chest to place on San’s. “No sweetie. The other hand.” Seonghwa instructs, a heartbroken smile crossing his face at the sight of you behaving like a toddler who skipped their nap. You look confused, bringing your hand to your face to inspect it, finding the streaks of blood and bits of glass as a few tears trickle down your face. 

You’re not sure how long it takes for Seonghwa to properly clean your hands, or when you got changed into one of San’s shirts that fits like a dress, but as you’re lied down on the bed with San, who’s watching you intently to make sure any slight changes on your face are caught immediately, you find yourself in an almost numbed mind-frame. Too exhausted and confused to comprehend anything around you. 

Your eyes slowly close, the occasional tear slipping out only to be swiped gently away by San. San, the last thing you see before you fall into a dreamless sleep. And you are blissfully unaware of what’s to come in the morning.

As you snore softly in San’s grasp, your chest rising and falling in a steady rhythm, Yunho leaves the room to clean up the mess that has been left behind with Seonghwa following closely behind, most likely to comfort the younger boy. Hongjoong reaches forward to brush hair out your eyes and slowly strokes your cheek. Who knew such a small body could take this much pain? he wonders to himself, not even beginning to understand what caused you to struggle so much and break down so devastatingly. And that’s the only way to describe your attack. Devastating.

Like a tsunami, you receded from social outings and even your true love San, and once they realized what was happening and why you’d “changed” the wave had already hit. But his main question was voiced by San.

“Hyung.” San rasps out, looking up at Hongjoong with tears streaming down his face. “Why-or how did this happen? What caused this? What are we-what am I supposed to do?” 

San’s breathing becomes labored, almost as if the weight of the situation has sat fully on his chest. He chokes on a sob, looking at you in your angelic state while pressing a gentle and wet kiss to the top of your head while crying. He clutches you to his chest, rocking slightly and burying his face in your head. Hongjoong panics, thinking he’ll wake you but settles once realizing how exhausted you must be. “Why would she keep this from me?”

“San-ah, I honestly don’t have the answer to that.” Hongjoong mumbles, holding his own tears back with a few deep breaths before looking at the pair of you. He honestly considered Ateez his family, and you became his little sister that he felt he needed to protect from the world. If only he’d realized sooner how much damage the world had already done to you. “But I do know one thing. Now more than ever, she needs us.”

San looks at his hyung and leader, absolutely wrecked from the storm of emotions that flowed between you two. “How?” he croaks out.

“I’m not sure. But what I do know is that the storm hasn’t gone and that this is only the beginning of our journey.” Hongjoong places a hand on your cheek and his other on San’s hand, squeezing slightly in hopes of reassuring the younger boy. “I see how much you need her San. And how much she needs you. She’s scared San. More so than any of us right now. Which is why we have to stay with her no matter what. No matter what she might say or do to scare us off, we have to fight through it all and show her we are here for her. Because if we don’t.” Hongjoong’s voice cracks, revealing his true emotions and the toll this whole ordeal has taken on him. “We might lose her forever.”

San sits quietly, shaking slightly from the silent tears that are being shed and pulling you closer to his chest if that was even possible, crying himself into a slumber much like you did moments prior. Hongjoong rises, tucking both of you in like he would an upset child, and walking into the bathroom. The scene that awaits him is what finally breaks his own dam of tears, collapsing next to Seonghwa and Yunho who are both crouched down. They’ve hunched over, scrubbing the white tiles of your blood and throwing glass shards away in a paper bag. Upon noticing Hongjoong, Yunho drops what’s in his hands, embracing his leader and best friend. His tears fall as well, the sight of someone as strong as Hongjoong breaking down terrifying him. 

Seonghwa wipes the few stray tears before rising, quickly finishing the task of cleaning before ushering the two broken boys out of the room. He sits Hongjoon and Yunho down, pulling out a paper and pen and titling it “Y/n’s Healing.”

“We’ll make a plan, and take this journey one step at a time. Until Y/n’s finally healed.” Seonghwa states, immediately writing steps and plans he’s already come up with in his head. And so the journey begins.