#something so deep in my soul sees my culture in this play

[szaphonic]

my soul will not be able until beatrice is recognised as the brown girl she was meant to be on the world stage

[wontmindd]

Alastor with a pure hearted s/o

a/n I'm fully aware that Alastor is aroace. My scenarios are meant to be interpreted as a deep, unconditional love, not necessarily romantic. I'm not aroace but I'm all for educating myself, so please if something's off let me (gently) know. Hope you enjoy :)

TW! canon typical violence

being a twisted person is not a requirement to reincarnate in Hell. Sins depend on religion, culture, societal norms. You were more of a victim, in fact.

you never got used to being in Hell. Surviving not only the Extermination but also the inhabitants becomes harder and harder every year.

it's kill or be killed, but you just can't bring yourself to do any harm to anyone, even if it means risking your own life.

as soon as you hear about princess Charlie Morningstar's new hotel for souls who want a second chance, your bags are PACKED

it's not like you really need redemption, you are pure hearted already. it's more a matter of understanding the reasons why you ended in Hell and coming to terms with them. maybe then the gates of Heaven would open for you. it's also a safer place for you to be.

Charlie welcomes you excitedly; Angel Dust, Husk and Vaggie aren't that friendly at first since your personalities don't match, but they eventually grow fond of you

and then there's, well...the Radio Demon.

you never met an Overlord before, and Alastor was supposed to be gone for years. But his presence wasn't frightening. A big smile spread across his face, he welcomed you like a gentleman.

you heard stories about his lifestyle and even previous murderous acts as a human, but for some reason you just can't bring yourself to fear him.

at first you were kinda pathetic to him. so naive, out of touch with the evils of Hell. he didn't dislike you. just thought your life was so easy to throw away in a society like that and that you wouldn't last long.

it seems like you two don't have much to share. he just wanders in his den, while you spend time in your room. you greet each other and have small talks, but nothing more than that. that's until he hears jazz music play behind your door.

he mentions it during dinner, and you start talking about your interest in 30s jazz music, especially the one of the Roaring 20s. you come from a later era, but you're very much cultured about jazz and its forms and that's enough for Alastor to develop an interest in you.

he has so many jazz artists recommendations, and you share some of your favourite pieces with him through your gramophone.

without even noticing, Alastor starts spending hours in your room just listening to music. some time even practicing swing dancing. and talking about jazz culture all around the world, and entertainment in general. he has many fun facts about the history of radio too!

the others at the hotel notice your growing bond and low-key support it, in their own, weird way. Angel Dust is especially convinced that you two are hooking up, as Husk not-so-kindly explains that it's more likely for Alastor to ascend to Heaven than express interest in sex.

you would start to open yourself up a bit to the Radio Demon. he doesn't understand why, since it didn't ask or never showed much empathy. but he just can't bring himself to tell you to stop. he wants to listen.

you manage to make him talk about some glimpses of his own life and thoughts. you knew that he was the complete opposite of you. incline to Evil, an enjoyer of all things that made your stomach clench. but he's still the one person who spends hours with you just listening to both jazz and your fears.

one day, Alastor decided that in no way you are walking around the city without him. it's just too dangerous for you. he tries to teach you how to use weapons and demonic powers to defend yourself but he doesn't feel like you can make it into Hell by yourself.

you like strolling through the streets with him, arms intertwined, chatting and laughing even if demons around you are shitting their pants just by seeing the Overlord walking around.

but one day, Alastor can't find you.

you're not in your room, or in the Hotel hall. No one saw you that morning. He starts to feel something he never felt in his life: fear.

he darts out the Hotel, trying to find you. that's when he sees you just a few streets away.

a group of animal-like demons is encircling you. you are on your knees, arms over your head to protect yourself. A lion-demon is holding a knife over you and your arms are covered in cuts. you hold something close to your stomach.

that's when Alastor realized that he had feelings for you.

when he threw himself between you and the demons attacking you.

it's the first time you see Alastor without a smile. his teeth are gritted, face full of unprecedented violence and will to kill, breathing heavily in and out in a sort of animalistic way, but there's no trace of his characteristic smile you love.

his body starts to morph into his full demon form. his horns grow exponentially, his body too as it hovers menacingly on top of your aggressors as they start to feel a pure fear they never felt before.

in a matter of a second, they are gone. Alastor has always been a calculated, elegant killer, but this time he only felt a raw, ferocious instinct to kill.

as he's done, he turns around towards you. he doesn't want to, but he snaps.

"W̶̞̐H̷̻͒Y̷̰̅ ̶̠͛D̸͕́I̸͔̍D̴̿͜ ̷̯̇Y̶̭͌Ỏ̴̬U̵̖̍ ̷̛͎Ģ̷̕O̸̩͑ ̷̹̈́O̶̮͆U̸͍̇T̴̙͆ ̷̧̀W̴͓̅I̷̞͑T̸̗͒H̴̹͒O̴̺̓Ṷ̵̂T̵̺̚ ̵̢́M̴̜̅E̶̬̋?̸̻͋!̸̦͂"

you flinch, you never saw Alastor lose his composure. he was always so calm and collected. his voice was static, choppy.

the tears that were cornering your eyes start streaming down your face "I-I..."

"Ţ̶̈Ḧ̴͙́Ė̵̩Ỳ̷̳ ̷̳̒Ã̸̡L̷̛͚M̶͇̚O̸͈̔S̴̜̎T̸͚̊ ̷̤͝K̷͊͜I̵̺͝L̵͚̎L̴̤̆Ẽ̴͖D̶͍̈́ ̵̻͝Y̵̰̑O̸̜͘Ù̶͍!̵̻͝ ̸͓̾D̴̯͒O̶̅͜Ṉ̶̌'̷̹͒T̵͎͋ ̶̺́Y̴̹͂O̶͍̅U̴̘͌ ̵̘̾Û̷̪N̸̩̊D̵͎̋Ȅ̴͜R̵̮͂S̸̰̄T̸̝̅A̵͓͘N̷̩͂Ḏ̴̀?̵̗̍!̸̭̎"

suddenly, your bleeding arms fall from your head. you expose what you've been protecting all along.

a vinyl, a really old record from Alastor's favourite jazz artist. a rare find.

"I-I know but...tomorrow it's your death anniversary and I wanted to give this to you...as a surprise. I'm sorry"

Alastor's face immediately softens. Eyebrows raised, smile still not seen. He's just surprised and...moved.

He doesn't say anything, he just picks you up in his arms and takes you back to the Hotel where he bandages your arms.

Feeling guilty for putting yourself in danger, you ask Alastor to come to your room in order to apologize to him.

As he closes the door behind him, he says that there's no need to apologize.

"I'm...glad that you are still in your room. Listening to jazz, alive"

words didn't come easy, but he did feel the need to say it. you smile at him.

you propose to put his gift on the gramophone and so you do. music starts to flow between the small space you shared with the Radio Demon.

that's when you and Alastor start slow dancing. his arms around your waist, yours encircling his neck. his smile is back, but soft and...almost loving.

with his silent agreement, you reach for his cheek and graze it.

"Thank you for saving me, Alastor. Even if you are everything I distance myself from in this life...I'm glad you are the person that you are with me. In my next life, I'll make sure to be a sinner again if it means dancing with you like this"

Alastor now understands his feelings. It's something deeper than care. It's love. But not the same love you reserve to a friend and not even romantic. It's something deeper, more visceral.

He doesn't answer, just closes his eyes and leans in to press his forehead against yours.

you later fall asleep on your bed to the quiet sound of the gramophone playing, hands intertwined on Alastor's chest.

[twizzie-lairs]

My Darling, My Honey

Alastor X Fem!Reader (Part 2)

Part 1 | Part 2

Quick Notes:

This is when both reader/you and Alastor are both alive. (... we'll probably end up in hell later on btw so stay tuned...)

Reader is an artist/painter.

Part 2:

Every day and night you had to stay trapped at home, it felt like nails on a chalkboard after that one fateful meeting that night.

The only thing that made the time bearable was the radio. Alastor told you he hosted a radio show. As so, you soon became one of his most loyal listeners. Anything to relive the moment when you felt like a person again.

So when the night finally came, that you could escape to Mimzy's establishment the next town over, you were over the moon at the chance to see Alastor again.

Luckily for you, your husband was going to be away for a week this time.

That night, you made it to the bar a bit later than usual, you had to be extra sure that it was safe to leave town unnoticed after a close call of almost being discovered by some relatives that lived nearby.

When you enter the bar, you hear some piano music. It wasn't unusual for Mimzy to invite musicians or let patrons play some music at the piano that resides in the bar, as long as they didn't get boo'ed off the stage. But this music stirred something in your soul, making you hurry into the bar.

It was Alastor.

You gasp, your heart beating a million miles a minute. You were so drawn to him. In this moment, the jazzy music that filled the air and filled up all the holes in your heart. You were captivated. So captivated, that you forgo greeting Mimzy and the bar entirely, in favor of walking over to Alastor at the piano.

He gives you a surprised look before smiling and immersing himself in the music once more.

You smile back and you can't help but sing along to Alastor's piano playing. The song was a classic, and also one your personal favorites.

As you sing, you sit down on the piano bench next to him. You notice he doesn't open his eyes, but the smile on his face deepens as your duet continues.

When your song comes to an end, it feels like you came back down to earth. The bar erupted in applause, the embarrassment flushing your whole face pink. You look over to Alastor who's looking at you with such a warm expression.

"My dear, what a lovely voice you have. Your talents truly seem boundless. I am quite surprised you knew that song."

You spend the rest of the night tucked away in a private corner talking with Alastor about all sorts of things, interests, likes, dislikes, deep conversations about life, and even your fears. But never once did you mention your home life, you'd rather die than let Alastor find out. The last thing you need is for him to treat you differently.

When you mention you listened to his every show ever since the night that you first met, his eyes light up and something in him clicked. He took your chin gently in his hand and brought your face closer to his, "Oh my, I have never met a finer woman with even finer tastes in entertainment~" which caused your heart to flutter like never before.

The tension and feelings between the two of you were palpable. It was clear to the rest of the bar that the two of you were smitten with each other, something akin to love at first sight. You tow were inexplicably drawn to each other.

You wish you didn't have to leave and go back home. But you knew you had to get home before dawn, even if you were going to come back the next day/night anyway. Relatives and in-laws usually liked to stop by unannounced and if they found the house empty, you'd be in for a world of punishment and pain. It happened once, and you would rather not relive that experience ever again.

So even though it pained you greatly, you had to say goodbye to Alastor. As you stood up to leave, Alastor's hand still held yours, you could tell he was reluctant to let you leave. Very rarely did he have the chance to enjoy such cultured and lovely conversation. With a sad and somber expression, you walked away, his hand slowly sliding out of yours.

"I hope you come back to me, ma chérie ..."

-> Part 3

[merakiui]

maybe, i'm afraid.

azul ashengrotto x (female) reader cw: slight angst, nsfw, azul bottles his feelings and is insecure note - happy birthday to my favorite tako in the whole world. <3 may you have wonderful days forever!! // loosely inspired by lovelytheband's "maybe, i'm afraid."

i. spring - dancing in your party dress, you were singing me some frank sinatra as you wept. pull me close enough. it seems like we lost touch, so hold me as the record skips.

“Can you believe we’re gonna be fourth years?!” Kalim exclaims with wide, sparkling eyes. They look like twin garnets set into his face—polished jewels having caught the aquatic illumination from Mostro Lounge’s aquarium. “Time really does fly, huh!”

“Feels like yesterday,” Ruggie agrees around a mouthful of food. His plate is stacked as high as it can possibly get, piled with contrasting flavors. “Pretty crazy to think we’re all gonna be heading off in different directions soon.”

Jade nods. “Our school lives are as fun as they are fleeting.”

An odd quiet falls over the three of them, which is soon broken when Floyd drapes himself over the booth. He leans down to swipe a sliver from Jade’s plate. “Whatcha talkin’ about?”

“Just reminiscing.”

“Ah. S’bout that time, ain’t it? Gettin’ sentimental in the spring.”

“Makes sense. The semester’s ending and people are starting up their internships or going home. Really makes you think…”

Ruggie gazes at the group huddled near the bar. Riddle, Jamil, and a half-awake Silver chat alongside you and Azul. You seem to be in the middle of a riveting story, for your arms gesticulate wildly. Azul looks on with what Ruggie thinks is the most mushy-gushy, ooey-gooey smile he’s ever seen.

“We’re gonna come back in the winter, aren’t we?” Kalim asks, tilting his head.

“Indeed. For the cultural festival.”

“Yeah, that’s right! It’ll be fun to see you guys after so much time apart. Oh, we should all keep in touch! That way it’ll feel like no time has passed at all.”

“Perhaps not for us.” Jade follows Ruggie’s line of sight, landing on one person in particular. “For others, the gap is cavernous.”

“What do you mean, Jade?”

Floyd catches on then. “S’not our fault he’s not sayin’ anything.”

Ruggie shrugs. “It doesn’t concern me.” He pops up from his spot in the booth, grinning. “It’s been great and all, but I’ve gotta get my fill. Wouldn’t be right for a guy to skimp out when it’s Azul hosting.”

Giggling, Floyd waves him off. “You do that, Sharksucker.”

Kalim turns to the twins, brows raised. “You’re talking about Azul?”

“He’s been swept up in Shrimpy ever since. It’s been—how long now?—about two years or something.”

“Oh.” Kalim blinks back at him, slow on the uptake. And then, seconds later, it hits him. “Ohhh! He likes (Name)!”

“There ya go.”

“I’m afraid he’s yet to confess,” Jade adds around a bite of cake. “You should see the plans he’s drafted. Dozens of them, in fact. Each one is… Oh, perhaps I’ve said too much already.”

“I don’t get it. If he likes (Name) so much, why wouldn’t he just confess? Why make plans?”

“Wow, Sea Otter, you don’t play when it comes to feelings, do ya?”

“If it was me, I’d want everyone to know how much I care about someone.” To demonstrate this point, he cups his hands around his mouth and shouts, “You’re the best, (Name)!”

You glance past a now wide-awake Silver at the twins and Kalim. Mirroring his actions, you reply in a giggly voice, “Thanks! You’re great, too, Kalim!”

Beaming, he says, “See? It’s not so difficult. If Azul needs any help, I’d be happy to—”

Floyd throws his head back and cackles like a madman. “Not so difficult for you!”

Jade masks his amusement behind a gloved fist. “My, my. I think I’ve just witnessed the very soul drain from Azul’s eyes. You have quite the talent, Kalim.”

Kalim doesn’t hear the underlying meaning or the backhanded barb in his statement. “He’s got time, doesn’t he?”

“That’s what he keeps saying. But deep down he knows.” Floyd watches Azul hurry to recover his composure before anyone can notice. “He’s leaving for his internship after school’s over and then graduation’s next spring. He’s running out of time.”

“Does (Name) like him? Maybe she’ll confess before he does!”

“That’s just it. He doesn’t know what Shrimpy feels for him. Been driving himself crazy all school year tryin’ to figure that one out.”

“I suspect he’s grown excessively cautious as a result of his fear of rejection,” Jade explains, dragging his fork through the buttercream smeared on his plate.

“But if he confesses now and she doesn’t feel the same, he’ll have all summer to recover.” Kalim turns his stare on you next. “(Name)’s always been nice. I’m sure she wouldn’t shatter his heart.”

“When you’re Azul, even the tiniest push is enough.” 

“Really? But he’s always so strong!”

Jade hums. “Three hearts are quite the boon-burden.”

“Only makes lovin’ someone that much worse. Cuz then you’re lovin’ ’em three times as much.”

“Isn’t that good? I think it’s sweet Azul cares about (Name) so much.”

“Sweet…” Jade shares a look with Floyd. Something unspoken passes between them. “Yes, I suppose that’s one way to put it.”

“Azul thinks it’s a pain in the ass. Throws him off his course and he loooves bein’ on his course.” 

Kalim stares a moment longer. “Maybe he needs a push in the right direction.”

“Liquid courage works wonders—”

“—or gives way to woe.”

“Nothing like that.” He doesn’t elaborate further, instead getting up and padding over to the bar with a cheerful bounce in his steps. “Hey, everyone, let’s take a picture!”

Riddle welcomes him with a warm smile. “Ah, hello there, Kalim.”

“You seem to be enjoying yourself,” Jamil comments, arms folding across his chest. Which, arguably, is worse because it can only spell trouble should Kalim find himself inspired.

“Way ahead of you!” You hold your Ghost Camera up, turning the lens on Kalim. Lighting up like the very sun in the sky, he poses just as you snap a photo. It takes a few moments for it to develop, but once it does you hand it over to him for his perusal. “Looking good as always.”

“Aww, thanks! Okay, your turn next! Let’s get a big group photo and then individual photos.” With the camera now in his possession, Kalim’s free to fidget with it as he pleases. “Ooh, this is neat!”

“Careful with that!” Jamil bounds forward just in case. “The Headmage gave that to (Name). Don’t break it.”

“I won’t,” Kalim promises, holding it up to capture you and Jamil in its sight. “I think I’ve got it! Everyone, group up! Picture time!”

There’s lots of fumbling. An argument about height breaks out. Floyd pokes fun at Riddle for having to stand in front to account for his height. Riddle fumes, red with anger, and stomps his foot indignantly—all while insisting he’s still growing. You offer to stand beside him, but he hisses at you like a cat: “Don’t patronize me! I’m of perfect, healthy stature for someone my age!”

Kalim looks on from behind the camera. “Actually, can we get (Name) and Azul together first?”

Azul, who had been in the process of adding to the joke with a comment of his own, hesitates. He peers at Kalim, his walls rising. “Me?”

“Yeah! Only fair to put you front and center. You’re the host, after all!”

“Ah, right. Of course. But then—”

“Why me?” you ask, confused. “If anything, I should stay out of the picture. I’m not a third year like the rest of you.”

Kalim gasps, scandalized. “We can’t do that! It doesn’t matter what year you are. You’re still our friend, and parties are for everyone to enjoy.”

“Doesn’t that throw off the original plan?” Ruggie wonders, munching on a frosted donut.

“Kalim, we need to account for height. Riddle can’t stand in the back.” Jamil glances apologetically at Riddle. “That’s just the reality of it.”

Riddle huffs, refusing to dignify that with a response.

“I’ll stand in the front,” Silver offers.

“What? No, that’s not the issue here, Silver.”

“It’s not? I thought we were picking who stands beside (Name).”

“Ooh, I wanna stand with Shrimpy!” Floyd wraps his arms around you from behind, resting his chin on your head. ���C’mon, Sea Otter, take our pic!”

Jamil sighs. “All of you…”

“Shall we take individual photos with (Name) first?” Jade suggests, smiling placidly at Kalim.

This time the message is received loud and clear. “Oh, great idea, Jade! Azul and (Name), could you stand next to each other?”

The group disperses to allow you and Azul to do just that. Rigidly, Azul steps closer. He keeps a healthy distance between your bodies, one Jade picks up on right away.

“Please smile and pretend like you love each other,” he instructs, to which Azul flusters.

“W-What? Jade, that’s—”

“C’mere, Ashengrotto! I don’t bite!”

With a joyous laugh, you wrap your arm around Azul’s waist and drag him in close. He stumbles, flushed in the face, just as the camera flashes. The corresponding photo slides out next, blank for a while. Eventually, the image begins to show up with striking clarity.

“How’s it look? Great, right?” As soon as it happened, it’s gone—your warmth. The comfort of being held. Azul almost pursues you when you release him from your grasp and move towards Kalim to inspect the photo. Thankfully, he catches himself. “Hey, this is nice! Good job.”

You and Kalim share a high-five.

“Me next, Sea Otter!” Floyd crowds in, baring his pointed teeth in an unruly grin.

With everyone’s attention on you, Kalim, and the camera, Azul’s left to stand behind in silence. Anticipating the rainless deluge, Jade lingers within earshot.

“I know,” he mutters in a brittle tone. “Don’t say a word.”

“Not a peep. Although if I may share just a tiny tidbit… Kalim offered some very helpful advice. You may want to hear it.”

Azul stares at him, stunned. “You told Kalim?”

“Not directly, no. It was implied.” Jade averts his mismatched eyes on purpose. “More or less.”

“I should’ve made you and Floyd sign NDAs…”

“Is it really so sensitive?”

“Yes! Yes, of course it is!” Azul deflates with a sigh, looking on mournfully. You’re trying to snatch the camera from Floyd’s hands. He holds it up and out of reach, laughing raucously. “What did he say?”

“If you confess now, you’ll have the entire summer to mend your tattered heart.”

Azul barks out a short, hollow laugh. “In an ideal world, that’s easy.”

“You’re making it more difficult than it needs to be.” Jade issues an encouraging smile. “What’s the worst that can happen?”

“Are you seriously asking that?”

“It’s just something to consider.”

A minute ticks between them. Jade watches the scene alongside Azul, delighting in distant chaos.

“I’m afraid, Jade,” he admits quietly, the confession as soft and fragile as a single breath. “She’s everything and I’m…nothing.”

Jade frowns in disagreement.

“I’ve looked at it from every conceivable angle. There isn’t any calculated risk to be made—no potential profit or success to be had.”

“Are you certain?”

“Very.”

“Well, it doesn’t hurt to get it off your chest. We have a few weeks left before the break. If not your heart, perhaps you could establish a means to communicate?”

“I suppose it wouldn’t hurt… For the sake of networking—”

Jade chuckles. “Networking? Is that it?”

Azul scowls. “You’re awfully irritating tonight.”

“I’m not the one with his tentacles tied, hopelessly infatuated.” 

“You—”

“(Name), there’s something Azul would like to tell you,” Jade announces, and you turn to look at him.

Azul thinks he should just go ahead and die right there. Is it possible to spontaneously combust if he thinks about it long enough? Is such a phenomenon magic? All he needs to do is visualize it and then the spark will catch and—

“Yeah? What’s up, Azul?”

Azul flounders, his concentration broken. Like he’s done so many times in the past, he plasters his trademark smirk-grin on and falls into the shoes of the sleazy conman. “If you ever find yourself in need of study materials even after I’ve graduated, do not hesitate to contact me and I—”

You laugh. “I think I’ll be good. Thanks, though.”

With withering confidence, he chuckles. “I could give you quite the deal. You’d be missing out…”

You roll your eyes, unconvinced.

Jade—annoying, asshole Jade—brushes past, smooth as sea glass. “I shall take my leave, but please continue your chat. I believe there’s a camera waiting to capture the memory of me.”

Now it’s just you and Azul. He clears his throat, suddenly awkward.

“(Name), I—”

“Azul—”

“Oh.” He stares at you, a smile twitching on his lips. “You first.”

“No, no, you spoke before me.”

“Ah. Well…”

If you confess now, you’ll have the entire summer to mend your tattered heart. As if a love that’s been flowering for two years could possibly be resolved within the span of a few months.

He tries again even though it’s not what he really wants to say. “I do hope you’ll have a pleasant summer.”

“You as well.” You nudge him. “Kick ass at your internship.”

“I intend to.” Right. Internship. Work. Business. He can hold a normal conversation if that’s the topic. “And you? Do you plan to stay here?”

“Yeah. Crowley’s letting Grim and me live on campus since we don’t have anywhere else to go. I’ll work part-time in Craneport. Summer is a great season for tourism, but I shouldn’t have to tell you that.”

Azul laughs. “If it’s a family, they may spend more on kid’s menus for the novelty of it all. Be sure to talk it up to truly sell it. All children deserve to know the magic of a seasonal menu, do they not? Food in fun shapes. Fairy tales and sparkles. All of that razzmatazz. It’s the experience they’re paying for, after all.”

“Is that advice free?”

“Is it?”

“Fine, fine.” You dig through your pocket and hand him the photo from earlier. “Your payment, good sir. A memento of me.”

Azul takes it from you, admires your effortlessly pretty smile, and then freezes. “Oh, I look positively dreadful!”

“Not at all. It adds character.”

“A horrid sort of character.”

You sidle up beside him, peering at the picture. “I like it. It’s a photo of an imperfect Azul.”

“What an ambiguous compliment.”

“I’m serious! It’s Azul when he’s not acting. I like imperfect Azul. He’s authentic. A real person.” You pat him on the shoulder. He stiffens, betraying his initial nonchalance. “Or maybe not. One day I’ll catch you off guard.”

“We’ll see.”

“One day…” Your attention is stolen when you catch sight of the group attempting to bunch together for a selfie. Offering Azul that same smile he’s admired ever since he saw it, you add, “Have a fun summer. Don’t be a stranger next year, okay?” And then you’re bounding across the lounge. “Wait for me! I want in, too!”

For the rest of the semester, Azul keeps the photo tucked away in his phone case.

I have time to mull over the pros and cons, he tells himself when he departs through the mirror, summer break at his fingertips.

ii. summer - maybe i’m just too good. maybe i’ll run away. maybe i’m over you. maybe i shouldn’t stay. maybe i just don’t care. maybe i talk too much.

It occurs to you, while sorting through the photos you’ve taken throughout this past school year, that there’s an absurd amount of Azul. Whether on his own or with others, he appears in more photos than anyone else. You wonder how that happened—how you managed to be there for so many of his moments, each one documented in photographic permanence.

Some of them are humorous. Azul looking unimpressed when you lifted your camera to capture him. Grim jumping into his arms to demand snacks. His glasses sitting crooked on his face. Some of them are endearing. Azul reading in a comfortable nook in the library. Azul smiling fondly at the lens during an alchemy lesson. Azul laughing after you cracked a joke during PE. Some of them are animated. Azul waving at you from across the courtyard. Azul rolling his eyes at a dull pun. Azul playfully blowing a kiss to the camera after you told him to do something memorable. Some are special. Azul in his birthday robes. Azul during that time Mostro Lounge became a butler café for one week. Azul on his last day of the semester, leveling the camera with a roguish smirk.

This one—the most recent and last photo taken of him—is especially important. It’s the conversation that prompted an unforgettable expression that fills you with butterflies whenever you recall it.

“I think you’ll miss me,” you told him, elbowing him for good measure.

“I think I will,” he replied, his lips curling.

Unequipped to deliver a witty retort, you could only gawk.

“Don’t tell me that’s all it takes to shock you into silence.” He chuckled, and there was that infamous smirk-grin—sitting so perfectly on his face, as if it was meant to be there for this very exchange. “You’re too easy, (Name). Where’s the challenge?”

Wordlessly, you raised your Ghost Camera and snapped his picture.

There are so many facets to his person that you’ve managed to catch on your camera—complex layers you wouldn’t have otherwise witnessed if you hadn’t spent so much time around him.

Now you realize why you have an abundance of Azul photos.

We sure hung out a lot this year, and every time I had my camera…

Is he your muse? Is he just naturally photogenic? He fits into plenty of backgrounds, but it’s never the scenery that fascinates and bewitches. It’s always his expression, his body language, his emotions. And the reason all of these photos are so important is because this is an Azul who is comfortable enough to show these sides to you. An Azul who wants you to document his best and his worst, his beautiful and his ugly, his silly and his serious.

Sitting at your desk, thumbing through stacks of photos, you know he’s more than a muse. As you watch Azul move in various pictures, you wonder what he’s doing. It’s only a month into summer, but everything feels so slow. Campus has cleared out, and with it the lounge has closed for the season. You’re certain he still has his ways of making profit and spreading word of its wonders. Azul isn’t foolish. He’s always working an angle. Endlessly clever and stubbornly ambitious.

Does he miss me, too? you think, running your finger over his smiling face. Or was that just something he said to get a reaction?

Just then, a gut-wrenching thought lodges itself deep: Are we even friends? What if he thinks I’m a nuisance? Maybe he’s just tolerating me and all this time I’ve been delusional.

You glimpse the photos again, watching Azul laugh soundlessly in an animated loop. What am I to you, Azul?

As if on cue, having sensed your sadness, arms wrap around you from behind. For a second you think it’s Grim, but then you see distinctly human hands clasping together. You whirl, startled out of your skin, to find Azul Ashengrotto standing there.

“Wha… What?”

He’s…here. Azul is standing in your bedroom.

You blink once and he remains. You blink twice and he’s still there, gazing down at you with soft, smiling features.

“Hello to you as well.”

“Hey…?” You pat his cheek and flinch away. “Oh, you’re real!”

“Of course I am! Why wouldn’t I be?” Chuckling, he withdraws and moves to stand at your deskside. “I’m wounded. To think you would forget me just like that. And I thought I was plenty memorable.” He blows you a mock kiss then, and that’s when it finally strikes you.

This isn’t your Azul. This is an Azul from your photos.

How is this even possible? you think, scrambling to find which picture—which memory—he’s from. In doing so, you remember a particularly unique fact about the Ghost Camera. It’s a magical device that allows a photographer to capture slivers of their subject’s soul, which gives way to a special sort of connection known as a soulbond. The deeper the bond, the more likely the person in the photographs is to take on animation and, in some cases, slip out of the image that contains them.

So this is Azul from the time at which he was last photographed, you determine, holding up pictures to match his corporeal likeness to that of the scenery. The Ghost Camera is so cool…

“I missed you, you know.”

“Did you now?” He leans in close, curious. “How much?”

You push him away with a weak scoff. This isn’t good for your heart. Any closer and you might say something you’ll come to regret.

“Not as much as you think.”

“Is that so?” His gaze pans over to the pile of photos on your desk. “And these photos are simply here for convenience?”

“D-Don’t worry about it! Summer project. You wouldn’t get it.”

He flashes his teeth at you in a bright, competitive grin. “Try me.”

“You’re so nosy. Don’t you get tired of prying?”

“Not in the slightest.” He leans against the desk, his arms folding casually over his chest. “That’s besides the point. You’re avoiding the subject at hand.”

You turn in your chair and open your mouth to reply—why are you so invested in this?—but a better idea crops up. Meeting his cerulean stare with fierce, fiery eyes, you challenge him: “If it matters so much to you, I could be convinced to share my plans for the small price of one kiss. A real kiss. Not that fake one from before.”

Azul blinks back at you, a smirk crawling onto his face. “Is that all you desire?”

“What do you mean by—”

Your question is cut off when another set of arms embraces you from behind. Warm, soft lips press against your cheek; his breath tickles your ear.

“Are two not better than one?”

With a yelp, you jerk back so fast that you almost fall out of your chair. Standing there, looking very proud of himself, is another Azul. But this one, unlike Dorm Azul, is dressed in his school uniform. A very helpful distinction.

“D-Don’t sneak up on me like that!”

It’s the only coherent sentence you can manage. Your mind is a panicked muddle: I can’t believe it. Two Azuls. Am I dreaming? This is definitely a dream, right? There’s no way he’d kiss me on the…

You slap your hand over your cheek, gasping. “Y-You kissed me?!”

“Is that not the price you wanted me to pay?” School Azul asks, one brow raised as if daring you to deny that fact.

Dorm Azul’s fingers curl under your chin, guiding your gaze towards him. “Unless you’d like to raise the price…”

You swallow thickly. This can’t be happening.

“Of course, in raising the price, it’s expected you raise the value of the information you’re willing to divulge,” School Azul adds with a chuckle. “Is that not fair?”

You shrink under both of their insistent stares. “W-Why do you even wanna know?”

“Why not? Any information is good information so long as it’s useful.”

You scoff, but it comes out choked and shy. “I… I’m going to use these photos to put together a present for you. I know your birthday’s so far away, but I’m getting a head start.”

“And this present would entail…?”

You click your tongue at him. “I already paid my half for that kiss. No more.”

“Aah, is that right?” Dorm Azul leans in, kissing dangerously close to your lips. You reach up to touch the corner of your mouth after he’s pulled away. “How much for the full story?”

“How much are you willing to pay?”

School Azul rests his chin on your shoulder. His hands settle on your waist, pulling you up from your seat. This proximity allows you to feel his hair as it brushes against your face. Dorm Azul closes the distance as if it’s second nature, and now you’re sandwiched between the both of them.

Your heart stumbles in your chest. He’s quite literally surrounding you, but you wouldn’t want to be anywhere else.

“A very valid question.” Dorm Azul glances coyly at School Azul. “What do you think, Me?”

“Will we be enough for you, (Name)?” he purrs, rubbing slow circles into your hips.

You’re dizzy in their arms, your entire body warming with anticipation and embarrassment alike. Is it okay to be selfish? Even though this isn’t technically Azul—just mere memories of him—it seems so real. He’s holding you, touching you, reaching for you…

“Hmm. Two does seem to be a bit much.”

“Let’s call it a holiday and say it’s seasonal spoiling.”

“A gift for the summer.”

“Do open the window to let in the breeze. The heat is prone to making one feel rather…stuffy.”

They’re doing this on purpose. Maybe another Azul is more troublesome than I once thought. I can only handle so much charm!

Shrugging off self-doubt, you grab Dorm Azul by his lapels and yank him towards you, sealing the space that once separated your mouths in a hungry kiss. He melts against you, eyes fluttering shut. It’s quick and starved, the way you chase each other’s lips. You cling to him before you can fall, arms looped around his neck to keep him near.

Fully clothed and achingly desperate, you loathe the unbearable heat, but nothing is more molten than the space between your thighs.

Meanwhile, School Azul takes his sweet time running his hands along your sides, up the length of your body until he reaches your chest. With his form pinned to yours, you can feel his erection pressing against your ass. Rather shamelessly, he rolls his hips. You’re pushed up against Dorm Azul next, who takes hold of your hand and guides it to the strain in his slacks. He pulls away briefly to allow School Azul to slide your shirt up and over your head.

“Were you anticipating this?” he whispers, taking hold of your breasts.

“No way,” you protest between kisses. “Not… No. K-Keep dreaming. It’s too much trouble to wear one in the summer. Gets hot and—”

Dorm Azul captures your lips in another ravenous smooch, and the objection dies in your throat.

“There’s no need for these pesky articles where I’m from,” School Azul murmurs. He presses kisses into your bare shoulder, humming his very obvious delight. “You’d have already been laid out beneath me if that were the case… Soft and sweet, all mine to love at the bottom of the sea…”

“Humans have so many steps,” Dorm Azul laments, tutting.

“And merfolk don’t?” You try to sound smart with your question, but it comes out breathless when your nipple’s twisted between two fingers. “Oh…”

“Not when it comes to clothing. The very concept doesn’t exist beneath the waves.”

“You could visit sometime and see for yourself. I’ll welcome you with open arms.” Dorm Azul rests his forehead against yours. “And maybe then you’ll find yourself so taken with my home that you’ll want to stay.”

“A tempting offer.”

“But?” he prompts, his gaze falling to your hand as you palm him through his pants. He inhales a shaky breath.

“What’s stopping you?” the other Azul asks, his voice muffled in your skin.

“Firstly, I’m not a mer.”

“My dear, that’s nothing. Have you forgotten my proficiency in potionology?”

“And how much will one of your potions cost? I’d love to visit, but if it’s going to bankrupt me—”

“For you, a single kiss is all I require.”

“Isn’t that awfully cheap?”

Dorm Azul chuckles at this back-and-forth. “You say that as if you want me to charge an exorbitant amount.”

Glaring, you squeeze him out of revenge. His laughter comes out choked next, replaced with a needy whimper. Unbelievable.

“Maybe I do.”

“I would be careful with those words, dearest. I might take them to heart.”

He ruts against your hand, panting into your mouth. The kiss is sloppy and wet, all tongue and saliva. You move on instinct, grabbing at his shoulders when you’re taken to bed next. Both Azuls peer down at you from where they kneel on either side of you. They issue you hazy, lust-drunk smiles. Hands wander, feeling every inch you have to offer. You shut your eyes and submit to titillating touches.

“You really did miss me,” School Azul remarks when his fingers slip into your shorts to rub you through your sodden panties. Your breath hitches, a strangled whine squeezed from your throat, and he laughs. “I missed you, too.”

“I really like you,” you blurt, chest heaving with your every breath. He squeezes your clit to draw another sinful groan from you. “I think—Azul, you’re so—I think you’re so amazing… I wish we talked more. The year—aah… It went by so fast.”

“It did, didn’t it?”

“I wanna know you—the real you. I wanna know what Azul’s like when he’s comfortable and when he’s sad and when he’s happy. I wanna—ooh! Please… Please, Azul…” You grab fistfuls of the sheets, arching up towards the hands that caress your stomach lovingly. “I just want you.”

“And you’ll have me,” he—you’re not sure which—promises, leaning over to kiss you. It’s soulful passion, lust bleeding into love. Your cries are lost on his lips when you come undone beneath him, buoyant on a mellow wave.

You sense the loss before you see it.

Half-nude and gasping for breath, you stare up at the ceiling. Your bedroom is empty. All that remains of the Azuls are the animated memories imprinted on the photographs.

“I’m losing my mind…” you mutter, draping your arm over your eyes.

Please let summer pass quickly.

iii. winter - maybe all we are is fools with hearts that tried too hard. and maybe that’s just fine as long as you’re here in my arms.

Azul paces restlessly in his VIP room. It’s been months since he’s seen you, but his heart hasn’t swayed in the slightest. If anything, he’s only grown fonder in the time spent apart. Absence… What a bothersome thing.

“You’re gonna walk yourself into the floor, y’know. Your shoes’ll be all worn out by the time you’re done.”

“I’m aware,” Azul quips, uncharacteristically jittery. He turns towards Floyd. “Do I look presentable? Is anything crooked or misplaced? How about my hair?”

“You’re fine.” At Azul’s disbelieving glower, Floyd pouts. “I mean it. Shrimpy’s gonna like it either way.”

He bristles, defensive. “Who said anything about (Name)?”

“No one, but you’re thinkin’ it.”

“I… T-That’s besides the point! It doesn’t matter. She’s only here because I invited her. Common courtesy and all that.”

“Mm, I dunno about that one.”

Azul frowns at the vault set into the wall behind his desk. If only he could pack all of his fears in there and lock them away for good. Then he could continue masquerading as someone fearless and confident. With winter having descended upon campus, bringing with it layers of fluffy, glittering snow, and the cultural festival having concluded successfully, Azul finds himself lost.

This is the last birthday he’ll celebrate at Night Raven College and, subsequently, the last February he’ll spend with you. He’s running out of time.

“Invitation or not, Shrimpy’ll always wish you a happy birthday. S’not like her to forget. Plus, she cares about ya.”

“You can’t be sure of that.”

Azul’s tone is so sharp that Floyd raises his hands in defense. “Guess not.”

“What would you do?” He inhales a wobbly breath. “If you were in my shoes…”

Floyd scratches the back of his neck, contemplative. “Dunno. Guess I’d wait for the right moment and say somethin’ to get it outta my system.”

Azul sighs. “Jade said something similar.”

“He ain’t wrong.”

“I’m not prepared.”

“No one is.” Floyd smiles at Azul’s baffled expression. “C’mon, Azul, you can plan all you want, but you know life’s never gonna go the way you want it to. S’just how it is.”

“Even so, it’s better to know all viable routes and options before diving into uncharted waters.”

“That’s just it. You can’t know. S’kinda the whole point, ain’t it?”

“I can’t do it,” he decides, the words heavy on his tongue. “I’d rather accept my future failure now than continue working towards it.”

“Like a coward.”

“Far from it! In business, that’s known as rescission. It is a completely valid method of—”

“You ever realize your feelings and business are two separate things? Not everything’s gotta be about business.”

Azul stands there, nonplussed.

Floyd makes for the door, stopping only to add, “Your fly’s unzipped, by the way.”

“You—” He scrambles to check. Much to his relief, it’s not. “Honestly… That’s not even funny.”

He smooths nonexistent wrinkles, schools his expression into something brave, and exhales slowly. I’m not going to ruin an occasion as grand as this with a half-baked confession.

Having made up his mind, he steps through the door out into the bustling lounge. Like clockwork, all eyes turn to him. He searches the crowd for you, hopeful. But before he can locate you, party poppers resound with a loud bang. Confetti trickles down like colorful rainfall, landing on his suit and getting stuck in his hair.

“Happy birthday, Azul!”

He wants to run and hide. He wants to dive into the sea and seek solace in his favorite octopus pot. He wants to bury himself in the sand and disappear.

Instead, he smiles and spreads his arms like he’s just pulled off an astounding magic trick. “Why, thank you, everyone! I’m pleased you could make it. Do enjoy yourselves to the fullest tonight.”

Cheers erupt amongst the partygoers, but they might as well be on a completely different island. Azul turns, hoping to make his rounds and escape, but Kalim intercepts him. Jamil isn’t far behind.

“Azul, happy birthday!” Kalim smiles just as Jamil catches up.

He passes two expertly wrapped gifts into Azul’s empty hands. “On behalf of Kalim and myself, thank you for the invitation.”

“Yeah, super thanks! It’s been so much fun. I hope you’ll like your gift, but if you don’t just let me know and I’ll get you something else. Whatever you want! You deserve it on your special day.”

Azul looks past him, not in the mood to entertain. “Yes, of course. It’s not a problem.”

Jamil raises a brow, but then it clicks. “(Name) wanted me to pass on her regards.”

As expected, that draws his attention. “Why’s that?”

“She wasn’t sure if she’d get to see you on your big, busy day.” Jamil eyes Azul knowingly.

Kalim nods. “We ran into her on the way here, but she said to go on without her.”

Azul doesn’t like the way they’re both looking at him—as if they’re in on some joke he’s not currently aware of.

“Well,” he says, pushing his glasses up the bridge of his nose, “her regards are well-received.”

“You’re not going to meet her?”

“It’s my big, busy day, isn’t it? I’m afraid she’ll have to catch me at her earliest convenience.” Azul, gifts in hand, smiles. “Please do enjoy the party, you two. Thank you again for your thoughtful gifts and birthday wishes.”

On his way to the table designed for gifts, Azul spots Riddle, Silver, and Ruggie. They stand off to the side, chatting amongst themselves. He supposes, if anything, he might as well say hello. Setting the gifts down, Azul struts over.

“Good evening, gentlemen. I do hope you’re enjoying yourselves.”

“You know it. Parties at Octavinelle are always somethin’ else,” Ruggie says. Unsurprisingly, he’s done well to fix himself a plate and more. With him around Azul doesn’t have to fret over food waste.

“Your presentation at the cultural festival was very informative, if I may say so,” Riddle commends, sipping his fizzy beverage.

“As was yours.” Azul’s smile tightens. For some reason, he’s always felt the need to walk on eggshells around Riddle. And for good reason, too! Whatever Azul seems to accomplish, no matter how lofty a feat, Riddle seems to do better. “I’m sure you’ve had quite the rewarding experience yourself.”

“Indeed.”

“It’s good timing,” Silver notes, and all eyes drift towards him. Azul perks up. Timing. He needs more of that. “Your birthday came right after the festival. It’s almost like celebrating your hard work and another healthy year all in one.”

“Never thought about it that way. Guess it makes sense when you put it like that.” Ruggie grins cheekily. “Lucky you, Azul.”

“I wouldn’t call it luck. The dates just happened to align… Either way, thank you, Silver. I’m pleased you can look at it with such inspiring positivity.”

“You catch up with (Name) yet?”

“No? Am I meant to?”

“Just asking.” Ruggie shrugs. “She had me run a few errands for her yesterday. Said it was all for your sake, but when I tried to get more info outta her she told me I’d have to wait for ‘the big reveal’—whatever that is.”

Now everyone’s looking at him. Azul feels small.

“With how often I’ve heard her name tonight, I’d think she’s the one with the birthday.”

“Is she really so popular today? Odd. I haven’t had the chance to greet her,” Riddle muses.

“I thought I saw her this afternoon.” Silver furrows his brow, uncertain. “She seems busy.”

“Which is precisely why I can’t fathom the insistence that I ought to have met with her already.”

Ruggie tilts his head. “That the only reason?”

Just how many people are in on this asinine joke? More importantly, which eel is he going to have to wring out for spilling a not-so-secret secret?

Azul realizes his mask is slipping and so he repairs it expertly. If Ruggie takes notice of this, he doesn’t say anything. “It’s bad manners to show up late to a party. I’m sure one of us will agree.”

Riddle nods, but his words are surprisingly lenient. “Life happens. I suppose we can’t fault (Name) entirely.”

“She’ll make it. I’m sure she will. Don’t worry, Azul,” Silver reassures.

He’s not. He won’t. He isn’t.

“If the world was ending tomorrow,” Ruggie says, sliding into a new subject with practiced finesse, “what would you all do?”

“The end of the world…” Riddle frowns. “That’s impossible.”

“It’s a hypothetical. Anything’s possible.”

Silver hums thoughtfully. “I’d spend what time I have left with my loved ones.”

“You sure you’re not just gonna go running back to Briar Valley to protect Malleus?”

“As a guard it’s my duty, but fighting against the inevitable would be pointless.” Silver looks to the rest of them for their input. “If the world is ending and there’s nothing a guard like myself can do to prevent it, then I can only offer what’s left of my time.”

“So companionship. Okay, good to know. What about you, Riddle?”

He huffs. “I refuse to let the world end before I’ve accomplished my goals.”

“Yikes. You academic types don’t rest, do you?”

“No, no, it’s true,” Azul pipes up. “I agree. Why am I going to let the world get in the way of my plans?”

“So both of you are going to resist it until the very end?”

“You said anything can happen in a hypothetical, yes?” Riddle smirks. “In my hypothetical the world says it’ll end tomorrow, but it never does. It keeps saying so like it’s a faulty forecast. The end of the world is scheduled for next week, the week after, three weeks from now. By then, a year’s passed and the world still hasn’t ended.”

Ruggie groans. “That defeats the whole purpose of my question. You can’t give yourself more time when it’s already so limited.”

“Anything is possible if you know what you’re working with,” Azul adds, nodding alongside Riddle. “I quite like this hypothetical.”

“Leave it to the honors students to logic it out and make it more complicated than it needs to be…”

“You wouldn’t spend it with your loved ones?” Silver asks, but it appears as if the question is directed entirely at Azul. “I think I’d want to tell them the things I never got to say. Things I put off saying… Would you do that, too, Azul?”

“I…” He shuts his mouth and then opens it. “I’m not sure what I could possibly say within such a limited timeframe.”

“It doesn’t have to be complex.”

“I guess a good, old ‘love you lots’ is better than nothing,” Ruggie says.

Azul stops short. The end of the world. Time. Loss. Loved ones.

Time! He’s running out of time!

“Well, this was quite the lively discussion, but I’m afraid I’ll have to excuse myself now. There are a few more people I must meet.” Azul smiles gratefully at the three of them. They wish him another happy birthday before he finally departs, his heart in his throat.

He’s running out of time.

Logically, Azul knows the feeling doesn’t reflect his reality. It’s not as if he has to confess by the end of the school year. Logically, he has his entire life to confess. But who’s to say you’ll stay in his life after he graduates? You might be gone by the time he finally finds the right words, the right time, the right circumstance.

You can plan all you want, but you know life’s never gonna go the way you want it to.

Floyd’s right. There’s no way of knowing for sure until he does it. There’s no way to know what lies in those uncharted waters until he dives in. There’s no way to know where your heart lies until he confesses.

The world isn’t going to end tomorrow, but if he doesn’t say what he needs to before graduation he’ll never have another chance. And then that world—the world contained within NRC’s boundaries—will implode and that will be that.

At that very moment, a camera flashes. He spins around to search the photographer out and—

There you are, striding through throngs of people to reach him. There you are, dressed for the occasion. There you are, wearing that pretty smile he sees in his dreams.

“Happy birthday!” You turn the photo towards him for his viewing pleasure. It’s of him, staring off into space. He looks so stone-faced with his knitted brows and pursed lips. “Sorry about showing up late. I had to add the finishing touches to your present.”

You hand it to him. The amateur wrapping job makes the gift appear more lumpy than it actually is. It’s heavy like a textbook. Shaped as such, too. Azul wonders what its contents could be. Perhaps something relating to economics? A novel in a particular genre?

“Thank you very much. I’ll take good care of both.” He tucks the picture into his breastpocket, battling the urge to tear into your gift now. He needs to know. What did you get him? What could it possibly be? “I’m glad you could make it.”

“I wouldn’t miss it for the world!”

“Even if the world was ending?”

“Uh… What?���

“Ah, never mind that. It was simply a lingering thought from a previous conversation.”

“That’s so grim! And on your birthday, no less.”

Azul waves his hand through the air. A playful smile draws his lips apart. “Can you believe Riddle said he’d make the apocalypse wait on his behalf?”

“Seriously?” You snort, eyes brightening with amusement. “Even the apocalypse gets a schedule…”

He barks out a laugh. “Insanity, isn’t it?”

“Maybe for us, but definitely not for Riddle.” You glance at him. “What about you? What does Azul Ashengrotto’s last day look like?”

He intends to answer with something prepackaged: Awash in success until the very end!

“Alone.”

“Really? No friends or family by your side?”

“Would that make it better? Perhaps being surrounded by others only intensifies the dread.”

There’s some sort of symbolism in coming into the world alone and going out the same. Azul just can’t quite phrase it eloquently.

“Maybe there’s no right answer. Maybe there’s not any comfort in it either.” You run your fingers over the edges of your Ghost Camera. “We can’t know what lies ahead until we’re there. Maybe that’s why we spend so much time theorizing.”

“Quite the insightful judgment.”

“For the record, I wouldn’t mind being your plus-one for the end of the world.”

“I’m flattered.” He grins. “I shall be yours in return.”

“No strings attached?”

“All the strings attached. So many,” he exaggerates.

“No fair!”

Silence fills in the cracks. You stand side by side, drinking in Mostro Lounge’s upbeat atmosphere. After some time, you nudge him.

“Look at us, speaking about all of these sad things. It’s your birthday, not a funeral!”

He wonders if now’s a good time. Should he lighten the mood and confess? But wouldn’t that just make it even more serious and somber? Is there ever going to be an opportune moment?

You can plan all you want, but you know life’s never gonna go the way you want it to.

Surprises. Spontaneity. Luck. All things left to chance. All things Azul attempts to anticipate. He thinks back on the many plans and what-ifs he calculated and wonders if it was worth it.

“(Name), I just wanted to say—” He stops himself, his fingers curling around the gift cradled in his arms. I love you and I want you in my life. I don’t want the world to end here with you and me. I want to know what lies beyond and experience it with you—the good and the bad. Everything. “I just wanted to thank you.”

For being my friend. For being yourself. For existing in the same world as me, even if it feels like we’re doomed to be islands apart.

“What’s this? Genuine thanks? Am I going to find an anemone on my head next?”

“That can be arranged. Isn’t it tradition to grant the person of the hour one birthday favor?”

“Hah! You wish!”

I do. I really do.

The party wears on into the night. Azul repeats the same mantra as before: I have time.

When he’s in his room, gifts piled high on his desk, he sits back in his seat and carefully unwraps yours. It’s a book, leather-bound and regal. It looks expensive. While attempting to approximate its value, he reads the title spelled out with alphabet stickers: My Azul. His brow furrows. Just what are you playing at here?

Cautiously, he opens the book to the first page. Your writing winks back at him: Happy birthday, Azul! This is my gift to you. It’s a chronological journal of your school life! :D People often say it’s difficult to picture themselves through the eyes of others, so I wanted to show you what I see every time I look at you. I hope you’ll never forget just how important you are. If you ever do, open this book to remind yourself.

With love always,

(Name).

“Curious,” he mumbles, flipping the page. The layout reminds him of a scrapbook. You’ve decorated it with stickers and patterned tape, scrawled words in different colored inks. There are two photographs—each from Azul’s second year. He’d forgotten about these. That time it snowed so much the students had a snowball fight in the courtyard. That time an alchemy accident (courtesy of Grim) led to Azul speaking in cat for the rest of the day.

In the center, a small blurb reads: My Azul is terrifyingly good at making snowballs within record time, just as he’s terrifyingly good at marketing them at all the right moments. My team was totally losing. Leave it to Azul to swoop in when he knows it’s advantageous… He’s intelligent and passionate. Even when mistakes occur, he works through them effortlessly. (Although it was nice having Catzul for a day!)

He rolls his eyes at that last bit.

The next page displays photos in much the same fashion. You’ve clearly put lots of effort and thought into each arrangement. Azul feels like he’s walking through a museum with every page. Like the first, the rest of the pages that follow include photographs of himself (some with others and some with you) and a short paragraph describing your observations.

His eyes are on the verge of a typhoon as he soaks in every sugared sentence.

My Azul is strong. My Azul is silly. My Azul has the best laugh. My Azul is great at bargaining. My Azul is awkward. My Azul is clumsy (in the best ways). My Azul is resourceful. My Azul makes the best study guides (thank you!!!!). My Azul is a hero. My Azul never gives up. My Azul is a talented mage. My Azul is…

All of these things he’s never heard anyone acknowledge before—have you always seen him in this way? Is this truly what he’s like through your eyes? He finds that hard to believe, and yet there he is on the page, winking at the camera or posing in an outfit from one of the many school trips he’s attended. You’ve added little comments and doodles in the margins and corners. Azul smiles as he reads them.

Noble Bell College sure was something! I’d like to visit again one day…

Vargas Camp was exhausting! I still can’t believe we survived.

Halloween! I want to experience it in the Coral Sea one day. But maybe just for one night. An endless Halloween is too much…

The ceremonial robes are very pretty. They’re so different from the uniforms in my world.

Happy Beans Day! Azul prepares all year for this. That level of commitment is impressive!

Azul reaches the end with watery eyes. He sniffles, so enveloped in a love he’s never felt from any friend before. You care. You truly, honestly care. It’s clear in each and every page—in the words you’ve written. You care about him.

The final page has a blank space the rough shape and size of a photograph. For some reason he understands what he’s meant to do. He slides the photograph you gave him all that time ago from his phone case and pastes it to the space. And then he reads what’s written below.

My Azul keeps all of these walls up in order to protect himself. He’s sensitive and self-conscious. He likes to uphold a perfect image at all times. He likes to keep his weaknesses hidden, his cards close. But then he’s also funny. He’s sincere and gentle. He’s sweet. He’s someone I admire from all sides, good and bad. Even when he’s scheming, even when he’s acting, he’s still Azul. My camera’s captured so many of his moments, which is very apparent now that you’ve made it to the end. But I’m happy to have documented these moments because they showcase everything that makes my Azul himself.

My Azul has never looked “positively dreadful” to my camera. Even on the days where he feels like nothing, my Azul is everything to me. I will always think so.

He’s crying. He can’t help it.

Azul sits there and he sobs.

He sobs until his throat is dry, until his eyes are blotchy and red. He sobs until he can’t anymore.

Holding the book close to his chest, he wonders how he ever managed to befriend someone like you.

An angel. That’s what you are.

An angelfish.

And he’s Azul. Your Azul.

iv. spring - but, baby, i’ll be there. yeah, baby, i’ll be there. it’s been a little hard. i’ve been a little tough. but maybe all along i’m afraid, i’m afraid, i’m afraid. i’m afraid, i’m afraid, i’m afraid.

The air is sweet with the scent of blossoming flowers, thick with pollen. Azul’s chest is light, swelling with excitement. A new chapter is about to begin. In just a few hours he’ll graduate along with the rest of his peers and then it’s off to start another story. For Azul, this is just a continuation of something already so prolific.

He strolls past The Great Seven, pausing briefly to admire the Sea Witch in all of her tentacular glory.

“With this weather, it’s almost difficult to imagine they called for rain.” Jade peers up at the sun, shielding its obtrusive rays with one hand.

“They’re always gettin’ it wrong,” Floyd says, stuffing his hands in his pockets. “So annoying. I was hopin’ it’d rain and then they’d cancel.”

“Unlikely. There are always contingency plans put in place when it comes to an event as momentous as graduation.”

“Bleh. Lame. I wanna skip. I hate bein’ in those stuffy clothes, packed in close like a sardine.”

“If you’re absent, you won’t receive your diploma.”

“What a scam.”

Jade simply smiles. Ironic.

Azul turns around to look at them. “Four years… Gone in a blink. Will either of you miss it?”

“It was certainly enjoyable. I admit there are some aspects I’ll miss quite fiercely.”

“Guess it’ll be a bummer not seein’ everyone all the time. I’m gonna miss playing with Baby Seal and Shrimpy.”

“I’ll miss them, too.” Azul sighs. “(Name) especially…”

“You still haven’t told her?” Floyd raises a brow. “You’re gonna leave without sayin’ a word?”

“That does seem to be the plan,” Jade answers.

“I… I’ve thought it over.” He clears his throat. No time for waterworks. He needs to be in top shape if he’s to deliver the opening speech as Salutatorian. Riddle took first place, which wasn’t a shock to anyone. He always did say he’d make Valedictorian no matter what. Azul had been keen to fight him for it, even if it became clear he’d never surpass him. Second place is irksome, but it has its merits. Although he isn’t going to settle with just that! He’ll get first place one of these days. “We’re better off friends.”

“Whatever you say.”

“Is that enough?”

“Is what enough?”

“Her friendship.”

“It’ll have to be.” Azul’s gaze glazes over.

He’s run out of time, but maybe that’s okay. Maybe that was meant to be.

“Well, let’s not dwell on it any further!” He claps his hands and turns swiftly on his heel. “There’s still work to be done.”

Jade and Floyd exchange furtive glances. They know as well as he does that he’s lying.

But maybe that was also meant to be.

— — —

Crowley tasked you with snapping photos for NRC’s yearbook. “Because I am a paragon of magnanimity,” he said, “I am entrusting this very important task to you once more. Take lots of pictures! Don’t miss a single moment!”

You do just that, photographing the graduates as they wait in a room behind the stage, chattering eagerly amongst themselves. You raise your camera to document Azul when he stands at the podium to give his salutation speech. You do the same for Riddle when it’s his turn. The ceremony is grand, ballooning with emotion. You look on with a cheek-splitting smile, proud of every student who crosses the stage. It’s bittersweet. The friends you made when you were enrolled as a first year are now moving on in life.

Time flies. What a whirlwind year it’s been.

When it’s Azul’s turn and he goes down the line to shake the hands of his professors and Crowley, you wave at him from your place in the audience. He meets your eyes from where he stands, and he smiles.

Your camera catches that moment in perfect permanence.

By the end of it all, your face hurts from smiling, your throat sore from cheering, your hands raw from clapping. Grim grumbles at you to knock it off with the sun shower, your tears dampening his fur. You wipe your eyes and sniffle. “I’m happy for them. It’s a good day.”

He forces his head under your palm, allowing you to pet him and cry through it in peace. He doesn’t say anything. You don’t need him to.

While the graduates meet up with their family and friends, you make your rounds. Kalim introduces you to his parents and siblings—all thirty-something of them. You’re in a daze by the time introductions are finished, and Jamil leans over to whisper, “No need to commit everyone to memory.”

“Have you talked to Azul yet?” Kalim asks after everything has settled down.

You shake your head. “Why? What’s up?”

“Just wanted to ask. I know the Headmage wants you to take lots of pictures.”

“We shouldn’t keep you any longer than we already have,” Jamil adds with a curt nod.

You smile. “Congrats, both of you. Good luck.”

“We gotta keep in touch. Promise me you’ll call whenever you can. You’re always welcome to visit, too! Oh, I’ll go check with my parents now! I’m sure they’ll say yes!” Kalim bounds off in their direction.

“Just let me know well in advance. That way I can plan for proper accommodations,” Jamil says, following Kalim with sharp eyes.

“I’ll do that.” You turn to leave and then stop. “I hope you get your vacation one day, Jamil.”

He stares at you, mystified, before a gentle smile softens on his face. “One day,” he echoes. “I hope you’ll find your way home.”

“One day.”

The two of you share a final look before going your separate ways.

Surrounded in such an energetic environment, talking to and meeting families, you find yourself longing for your loved ones. So much time has passed. You wonder how they’re doing. Are they well? Are they worried?

“Aah, it’s Shrimpy!” Floyd crashes into you with so much force you nearly topple. He steadies you with a giggle. “Where’s Baby Seal?”

“Left to gorge on refreshments. Hey, since you’re here, can I get your picture?”

“Course you can.”

Detaching himself, he poses for you. You take a few photos, mirroring his good mood.

“Are your parents around?”

“Mhm!”

“Seriously? They came?”

“Course they did.”

“Did they take transformation potions?”

Floyd nods. “Pops does land business sometimes, so he’s used to it. Mama doesn’t leave home much. She’s real bad at walking on her feet.”

“Ah, got it.”

Floyd grins down at you. “You wanna meet ’em?”

“Maybe later… I’ve gotta keep taking photos.”

“I gotcha. Make sure to snap a few of Azul.”

“Right! Speaking of him, where is he? I’ve spoken to everyone but him.”

Floyd peers out across a sea of faces, scanning each one like a predator sizing up his next meal. “He’s avoidin’ ya.”

“What? Why?”

“Why don’tcha ask him when you see him? Bet he’ll have a fun answer for ya.”

You would, if only you could find him. As the afternoon wears on, you begin to lose hope. If he’s truly hiding from you, he’s doing a great job of it. After what feels like hours of walking in aimless circles, you take pause to consider the situation. If you were Azul and you wanted to hide away for a little while, where would you go?

To someplace familiar. To someplace comfortable. To someplace quiet.

He’s pacing in front of Ramshackle when you arrive. You open the gate and step through, taking each step one at a time. Once you’re within a close enough proximity, you make your presence known.

“Azul?”

He startles and whips around. As soon as he sees you, he lurches forward, intending to leave.

You block his path. “Hey, wait! What gives? I’ve been looking all over for you. Floyd told me you’re avoiding me.”

“Floyd doesn’t know what he’s talking about.”

“But I’m sure you do. So what’s up?”

“It’s…nothing. I merely wanted to tour campus one last time.”

“Oh. Why didn’t you say anything? I would’ve come with you!” You attempt to elbow him, but he side-steps you. “Uh, right…”

“Ah, sorry. I… Admittedly, there’s quite a lot on my mind.”

“I get it. Congrats, by the way. Your speech was really good.”

“I’m pleased you think so.”

This…isn’t Azul, you realize, a frown flickering on your face. At least not the Azul I usually see.

“I got to meet all of Kalim’s siblings.”

“Did you? All of them?”

“Every. Single. One. His family’s huge!”

An uncomfortable silence festers between the two of you. You glance at your camera and then at Azul.

“Can you believe that Crowley? He wanted me to take all of these pictures, but there were dozens of professionals who did it much better than me! What was even the point?”

“Terrible, isn’t it? A job as good as the one you do deserves proper payment.”

“Exactly! My services aren’t free.”

Azul smiles, a wistful gloss to his gaze. You can see the cogs turning behind his eyes—can see the calculation as it comes to fruition.

“You can cry. I won’t judge.”

“I’m not going to.”

“It’s fine. It’s normal, Azul.”

He inhales a deep breath, holds it for three seconds, and then releases. When he looks at you next, his expression is hard and riddled with subdued anxiety. A zephyr blows between you, rustling the leaves in the trees, raking through the grass, dragging wispy fingers through your clothes and hair. The quiet expands and stretches wide.

Azul opens his mouth, shuts it, and sighs. A forlorn resignation flits over his countenance.

“I—” he swallows hard and then it just bursts free, the admission he’s kept secret for so long— “I love you.”

Another breeze combs through the premises. Your gasp is swept away with it.

“I’ve loved you for two years. And I… I wanted to tell you so many times in the past, but I never could. I was scared and I ran away. I still am! The truth is that I’m afraid of losing you. I’m afraid of messing up in front of you and looking like a fool. I’m afraid of showing you the parts of myself I hate most. I’m even afraid of that phrase—of saying it because it terrifies me to think, in some distant world, it might be reciprocated. But I have to say it, and I want you to know. Even if you don’t feel the same, I have to tell you.”

You gape at him, utterly speechless. The longer you do so, the more flustered he becomes.

“Y-You’re free to think it’s gross or weird. I understand I’m not the most ideal candidate, but I…” He wrings his hands, exhaling shakily. “I think you’re everything. My whole world.”

There are so many things you want to say. So, so many. But they’re all jumbled, carried along like flowers floating down a stream in spring. You close the gap, taking his hands in yours, and you kiss him.

Azul startles, squeaking against your lips. It takes a minute for him to find his rhythm, but soon he’s wilting against you, his body relaxed. You taste saliva and salt—tears. When you pull back, he’s crying.

“I think you’re the most ideal candidate. I’ve always thought so.” You cradle his cheek in a warm hand.

A sob trembles through him. “I never thought—you’re just so… I couldn’t have imagined…”

“That I’d like you?”

“Yes!”

“Why?” “Because…”

“I’ve always liked you, Azul. I’d never lie about that. Your birthday gift—those are my honest opinions.”

“Every one of them?”

“Each and every one.”

He sniffles weakly, drying his eyes with the heel of his palm.

Instinctively, you reach for your camera. And then you hesitate. You’ve always stood behind the protective lens of your trusty Ghost Camera, assuming the role of photographer in order to remain in his orbit. But now you’d like to try putting the camera aside and documenting Azul’s moments with your own two eyes.

He loves me.

You just manage to shut the front door before you’re pulling him flush against you. He presses you up against the wall in the foyer, a knee slotting between your legs. You melt in mutual merriment, grabbing at every part of him. Your uniform blouse is ripped open in a hurry. You try to handle his graduation robes with caution, appreciating expensive embroidery, but vehemence gets the better of you. It’s a wild rush. Hot and panting, you’re shuddering in carnal delight, every nerve alight. When he presses up against you next, half-dressed and hazy with an addictive adoration, you can feel the result of your exploratory touches straining for release.

“Upstairs,” you mumble against his mouth, sweating out of your skin.

You fall into bed as one, tangled around each other. Azul trails kisses up the expanse of your stomach, working you open on skillful fingers. You shiver beneath him, your heart pounding in your ribs.

“I love you.” A kiss to your belly.

“I love you.” A kiss to the valley of your breasts.

“I love you.” A kiss to your lips.

You love him just as intensely. 

He drags his fingers out next, admiring the slick coating them like it’s a valuable substance. You giggle, dizzy with delirium.

“Can I call you mine?”

You run your hands up and down his arms. “I’d like that.”

“Your boyfriend,” he murmurs, astonished. “I’m your boyfriend…”

“Mhm…” You sit up in bed and climb into his lap. Slowly, inch by inch, you lower yourself. He sucks in a breath through grit teeth. “And I’m—mmh—I’m your girlfriend.”

Azul whines into your mouth. His arms wrap around you to keep you firmly pinned to his body, and he bucks his hips up to meet you the rest of the way. Filled in such a way, connected so intimately, you breathe a satisfied sigh. You dig your nails into his shoulders. Every muscle slackens. It’s bliss, pure and perfect. The both of you mold to one another like sea meeting shore.

You grind down, chasing a mounting climax. “You’re the best—perfect. So perfect. Oh, I love you, Azul. I love you so much. I’ve always wanted to say it.”

He presses his forehead to yours. “You have no idea how fervently I’ve yearned for this—for you.”

You can’t possibly begin to imagine, but you can definitely relate. Weeks of silent pining, of hoping something might happen and you’d be able to confess without fear. Those days are behind you. Now you can know love in his arms and it isn’t so uncertain.

You lose yourselves in the sensations of sweet, soulful sex. He’s gentle like a spring breeze, dedicated like a devotee at your altar. You’re much the same, your moans just as plentiful. Just as loud. You’re wrapped in wonder when you look into his eyes and find the same amount of love reflected back.

I’m so happy I met you.

When he cums, he digs his fingers into your hips to drag you down and bury himself deeper inside. You unravel shortly after, your orgasm coaxed out by a few attentive massages to your clit. Your bodies, sticky and sweaty, stay connected even after you’ve come down from the clouds.

“Had I known, I would’ve said something sooner.” After catching his breath, Azul rests his head in the crook of your neck. “I regret it.”

“I don’t. Things happen when they happen.” You run your fingers through the tangled, silvery strands of his hair. It’s soft just like him. He leans into your touch and hums appreciatively. “I’m glad it happened when it did.”

“I’m glad I could say it. It would’ve eaten me alive if I’d left without telling you.”

“And are you still afraid?”

Azul places his hand over yours. “No, not anymore. The world ahead looks much clearer now.”

“Am I in it?”

He laughs. “More than that.”

“Oh?”

“You are my world.”

[whatudowhennooneseesyou]

𝐋𝐞𝐞 𝐊𝐧𝐨𝐰 𝟏𝟖+ 𝐍𝐚𝐭𝐚𝐥 𝐂𝐡𝐚𝐫𝐭 𝐀𝐧𝐚𝐥𝐲𝐬𝐢𝐬 (𝐋𝐨𝐯𝐞 & 𝐑𝐞𝐥𝐚𝐭𝐢𝐨𝐧𝐬𝐡𝐢𝐩 𝐅𝐨𝐜𝐮𝐬𝐞𝐝)

ᴡᴏʀᴅ ᴄᴏᴜɴᴛ: 1K

ᴅɪꜱᴄʟᴀɪᴍᴇʀ: Think about it. Write about it. Have hard thoughts. Do not take it seriously. None of this information is confirmed and all theoretical. If you want to read more, I have further analysis in my 'Lee Know As Your Late Bloomer Bf' post.

ᴍᴇᴛʜᴏᴅᴏʟᴏɢʏ: Traditional Astrology & Whole Sign

ᴏᴠᴇʀᴠɪᴇᴡ:

Rising is in Gemini (Suspected)

Scorpio Sun (6th House)

Sagittarius Moon (7th House)

Scorpio Mercury (6th House)

Scorpio Venus (6th House)

Virgo Mars (4th House)

ꜰᴜᴄᴋʙᴏɪ ʀᴀᴛɪɴɢ:

3/10

Lee Know's fuckboi radar is a strong medium energy because his Sagittarius Moon makes him naturally impulsive and prone to boredom but his Scorpio stellium indicates he values a deep soul to soul connection.

So while he can detach sex and feelings, casual/one night stands wouldn't satisfy him and he's more likely to enter into FWB/situationships.

He also forms attachment easily, although you wouldn't know it because he can mask very...VERY well.

His Virgo Mars in 4th House also makes him pedantic with hygiene, he COULD...could view anonymous/casual encounters as 'dirty' or 'unclean' and have concern about infection and/or disease.

(No..I'm not personally judging hook-up culture but I included this because Virgo/6th House rules over health and wellness so they prioritise sexual hygiene more so than other Mars Signs.)

And there's loads of evidence with the SKZ episodes of Lee Know valuing cleanliness and tidiness so I'm certain that would transfer to sex and foreplay.

ʀᴇᴅ & ɢʀᴇᴇɴ ꜰʟᴀɢꜱ:

Red:

His Scorpio Mercury gives him a wicked tongue and his Sagittarius Moon means he has no impulse control which =

PETTINESS!!!

His Mercury rulership indicates he's thoroughly observant, analytical and has a great memory, the type to remember little details about something that happened 11 months ago.

He's learnt your sore spots, your insecurities and your anxieties and he might just use them against you in moments of conflict.

Inherently stubborn so wouldn't be the type to apologise after an argument but would make you a meal, buy you something, run you a bath as a way of calling truce.

He probably has an avoidant-attachment style and is the type to 'freeze' or ice you out if he's annoyed or irritated...could even go as far as giving the 'silent treatment' as a way of asserting control.

When Lee Know has been recorded feeling hurt, upset or frustrated he becomes really quiet and his posture shifts into a more defensive stance...this is really evident in the infamous SKZ Room episode where Chris says 'you don't care about me' and you can literally SEE his entire body change at that remark.

Green:

Honesty is a strong value and trait of Lee Know so outside of conflict...you would never feel like he's hiding something from you or second-guessing his actions...what you see is what you get with Lee Know- even to a fault.

A good example of this was Lee Know's ending-ment and he says 'I have been having a lot of thoughts and I'm organising my feelings' (which is so Mercury coded to rationalise your feelings by 'organising' them).

Routine, stability and consistency are HUGE traits and values that Lee Know will contribute to the relationship and this is reaffirmed countless of times with his Bubble messages.

He always sends you a 'morning' message and asks if you've eaten lunch or dinner every day, he's consistent at going live on YouTube every Saturday and he's endlessly sending through photos of food and his cats on Bubble which means Lee Know is not a man prone to 'flakiness'- it's all or nothing for Lee Know and he will stick with you through to the end.

And this is not even natal chart based, this is just my opinion- there is something about Lee Know's personality that is incredibly wholesome for a man his age...in his spare time he likes night-time walks and plays with his cats which to me is someone who enjoys the little things in life and a lavish and excessive lifestyle is not a priority for him.

He's not shallow and therefore he's not going to give you a shallow relationship.

ɪᴅᴇᴀʟ ᴛʏᴘᴇ…ɪꜰ ʜᴇ'ꜱ ɪɴᴛᴏ ᴡᴏᴍᴇɴ

Lee Know's sexual orientation is unknown so I don't know if he's into women but if he is...these are the physical and personality traits he would find attractive.

Physical Traits

(Focus on his Libra 5th House, Scorpio Venus and Virgo Mars)

Has to smell nice because Virgo & Scorpio are sensory motivated and would SIMP over a person with a signature scent...probably would like a floral and clean, fresh smell.

Scorpio's go for other Scorpio's so his ideal type probably would have Scorpio placements (Sun,Rising or Venus) and have a dark feminine aesthetic but still kinda coquetteish with the Libra influence.

Someone who has the duality of looking sexy in a black, skimpy dress with stiletto heels but also looks cute wearing an oversized t-shirt with no make-up and a messy bun.

Definitely a waist,arse and thighs kind of man is totally the type to get hot and heavy if you wear a sundress.

Personality Traits

A tsundere to the absolute max, you cannot get more tsundere than Lee Know so his partner has to be okay with his 'quiet love' style of showing affection and care.

Intelligence is a strong turn-on for Lee Know so his partner has to be smart and worldly, would be attracted to someone who has a degree or a type of tertiary education.

Lee Know was accepted into university for computer programming prior to graduating high school so he could find people with careers in STEM, engineering, environment, sociology etc quite alluring and attractive.

Preferable love languages to be acts of service, gifts and quality time...words of affirmation and physical touch are not a strong suit of his.

ᴅᴏᴍ, ꜱᴜʙ ᴏʀ ꜱᴡɪᴛᴄʜ?

Lee Know is a switch with a heavy dominant preference and would prefer to be dominant 80% of the time.

I think even if he was in a more submissive mood...it would be more 'I'm yours and you can do whatever you want' energy rather than a complete release of control.

6th House Stellium= service/pleasure dom preference

Lee Know in-person has a very gentle and stoic presence (I've seen him live) and that would transfer to the bedroom so a SOFT DOM and much more soft and tender than the aggressively harsh sadistic dom persona Stays give him.

Whilst Lee Know can and likes being 'rough' in the bedroom, there is a difference in being rough and painful versus rough passionate.

Lee Know wouldn't be into the rough and painful 'you're just a hole for me to fuck' degrading type of sex.

Lee Know would be into the rough and passionate 'how many times can we go before we fall unconscious' type of sex.

There's a difference.

ᴋ!ɴᴋꜱ...ᴊᴜꜱᴛ ᴀ ꜰᴇᴡ ᴏꜰ ᴛʜᴇᴍ

Olfactophilia

The scent kink is WILDIN with this man and would be addicted by your natural scent and smell. Scorpio placements are primal in general and is the type to lick the sweat when making love and for his cock to ache as he inhales the sweet scent of your panties.

I can't get enough of your sweet pussy kitten, could bury my face here all day.

Would smell your shirt after wearing it at the gym as he doing laundry because you're his favourite fragrance.

If Lee Know didn't see you for a few days, he would spray your perfume on his clothes and wear your scented body lotion because the smell carries the very essence of who you are, who he loves, who he yearns for.

Clothed Sex

Buttons ripped, stockings torn, skirt tattered at the seam, smeared lipstick, heels on, the desperation and the need to fuck you so badly that he doesn't have the patience to take your clothes off.

That would drive Lee Know insane with desire.

Bend over kitten...fuck your legs look so good in these heels...I can't wait, need to feel how tight you are now.

Bonus points if you allow him to take photos of your ruined state afterwards.

Also...

You being naked whilst Lee Know is entirely clothed and the power imbalance and the DOMINANCE he would feel in that moment of you just being so submissive and vulnerable and trusting under his hands and body...

Taglist: @hipster-shiz @creativechaoticloner @cherry-0420 @scuzmunkie @marievllr-abg @umbralhelwolf @starsareseen @lino-jagiyaa @mischiefsmind @junieshohoho @mrcarrots @partywithgyu @whatsk-poppinhomies @craxy-person @hologramhoneymoon @gyuhanniescarat @staytinyinmybpack @necessiteez @wooyoungmybelovedhusband @berryberrytan @laylasbunbunny @bangchanbabygirlx @i-love-ateez @anyamaris @shinestarhwaa @hexheathen @northerngalxy @michel-angelhoe @youre-alittle-taste-of-hell @justaaveragereader @shroomoth @marykpoppin @joonyoonjinnie @ja3hwa @leomggg

[deesseshesca]

PAC What lesson is this situationship trying to slide into my DMs? (18+)

You are stuck giving all that you got ...

ALL READING ON SALE (70% OFF) (BLACK FRIDAY OFFER)

PILE 1 

Y’all are POC. 

You use your love to destroy. Stop talking with me by using bad poetry. Enough is enough. Y’all should stick to math. Not everyone that loves Lana Del Rey is meant to be a big writer. Some are meant to be engineer and is ok pile 1. Your guys are gashlighter, manipulators, whore but never broke. Y’all will use love to eat something. I feel like y’all just get in a relationship to get free food. I just got a vision of somebody in their pj in their bed choosing from their roaster who is going to have the pleasure to pay for their food. Some of y’all are staying with your cheater of a partner because they always offer amazing gifts when they feel guilty. Designer bad, baecation and concert ticket. Y’all may be in a relationship and you still fucking on your boy bff. I just heard y’all say ‘’ You always need to keep an eater close (wink)’’. You felt so safe to share that with me … Anyways Pile 1 … stop being a red flag. (Hum .. hum before y’all retirer can u show me how ? (my spirit guys looking at me) What ? You would do it 2 for a check …) 

2. You need to stop being dumb. Y’all need to be more careful. You're out there with a restaurant name in your contact, you don’t delete text and nudes. When your partner finds out you stay defensive when you are caught on 4k. I just got a vision of your sex tape and we can see you clearly, giggle and  shit. Not y’all in your Kim K era. Babe you're not Future and a tower moment is coming your way. Yes. you will pay for all the heartbreak you did. So enjoy because what’s about to hit is inevitable. C’mon you did not think this playing around is going to last forever. 

What's their love language according to the cards – text, treats, or trauma bonding?

Text

The person you are currently messing with, they love to keep up with you. They love to text you throughout the day the most basic things. They love to send you memes, tiktoks, reels. Y’all may even still be doing Streaks. They love taking pictures of you without you knowing it. They love your face when you are focused on a task or doing your homework. They love sending you money. Unlike Pile 2, your person loves when you are asking them instead of them giving it to you. Is like they love to feel and hear in some shape way or form that they are needed in your life. Almost like they are in competition with other suitors and they think that they are winning. 

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PILE 2

I’m getting a very sinister vibe from y’all. Y’all are maybe worshipers of Lucifer or be very deep into the goth culture. Y’all may be self-harming or you are going through extreme depression . Y’all may have lost someone extremely close to you. 

This is a DUAL POV. Your partner came in  fucking strong and did not want to let me go. But I don’t ever feel like they are going to be reading this, that’s why for their POV, I still use ‘’ They’’. 

Feminine Energy. 

You need to learn to accept the love you give out. You have a heart full of love and you are not scared to pour it into other people's cups but when it comes to you, you are nowhere to be found. You keep everyone at arm length while genuinely being there for them. You will always be an open ear for them. You don’t mind tagging along to a very scary appointment if he needs it.  You don’t mind staying awake on the phone because they have night terrors. You don’t even mind giving your all in the bedroom. You always make sure they are pleased. You always make sure they know they are loved and their voice matters. They especially love when  you give them head. Your mouth feels amazing. They think you are gorgeous when you are going down on them. Your hair in a ponytail so they can truly enjoy the beauty of your face (Ok.. Pile 2 … Face cards never decline !). They love to see your eyes full of lust while your mouth is sweet like honey. I’m hearing:’’ Ok now I am going to suck. Baby you tell me if you need me to stop.’’ After you are done give them a handjob. In my vision they are still fully clothed (even have their coat on (Damm y’all not even going to take off the coat… Not y’all fucking in winter attire)). But when is their turn, no show. I’m hearing : ‘’ My turn now’’. You are still in your panties and a big t-shirt. ‘’ Nah … I’m ok…’’ you put yourself under the cover. That makes them feel like a piece of shit. I feel like y’all be doing that because you don’t think you have a pretty pussy. But babe… is more than sex. You refuse to admit that you care. You tell them the only reason you cuddle is because you are cold. You tell them the only reason you go on a drive at night is because you hate driving but love music. The only reason you help them study is to make sure you understand the subject enough. You give love while making sure he knows that it is not that deep. That kind of hurt. 

Stop making your partner feel useless. The person that you are dealing with doesn't feel needed in your life. You treat them like you can’t depend on them. Some of you even walk 45 minutes from your house to school (even in high heels from home to work) because your car broke down. Instead of calling them to pick you, they find out when you got there. It really wasn’t your intention to make them frustrated or scared for you. Some of you ignore them when life goes hard. When depression  hits a tap a bit too much and you are in bed incapable of communicating with the outside world. They would love you to at least text I am ok but can’t talk right now. Make them feel like shit that you don't think they are worth enough to open up. When you need help you don’t ask for them. When you want space you disappear. 

3. They hate the way you don’t defend yourself. It might be specific to people with abusive families. If your parents are physically abusive, I’m seeing : Both of y’all cuddle in his bedroom (he may have red cover) and he asks why you are shivering but you brush it off with ‘’ Oh, I’m cold’’. But really the contact of your clothes with the wounds hurt. They cuddle you but you don’t relax, actually you get stiffer. You try to not make them look under your shirt but they saw it all. I’m hearing y’all tell me; ‘’ It happened one time !’’. They are answering; ‘’ One to many fucking time.’’. You are not lying it was a one time type of shit but still it was fucking mess up. The one with the abusive verbal parents, I got a vision of them going through your phone. At first they thought it was a boy blowing up your phone (y’all have another name for your mom in your phone) but actually it was your mom telling the worst kind of shit. I hope you slowly, I should have never kept you, you are nothing but a useless slut. Then you walk in and you brush it off. ‘’ Until I found out it was because of some fucking dishes.’’ (Well thank you for the input, maybe soon to be bf). Anyways no matter the scenario, they fucking hate the fact that u refuse to anything because you know it will only get worse. They are in your life to show you that babe … this is the worst. You are trying to save yourself from the worst while living in it. 

What's their love language according to the cards – text, treats, or trauma bonding?

 Treats 

They love doing stuff for you. Especially with their hands. Some of you have verbally abusive and alcoholic mothers. One day she went in your room and mess it the fuck up. And your men re-purchase a vanity and build it for you. It was a mini (huge) surprise for you. They may have also helped you set up your bed frame. They also like to bake for you. They love to go pick up your Starbucks orders and bring it to your school (some of y’all may go to cosmetology school). They hate when you use your money and you hate using their money. They are so petty, they just say ‘’ Well your money is for everything your mom broke … my money is for you’’. Not them shutting you up on Tumblr, Sir…They love treating you like princess. The reason … is your smile. When you smile it is like a whole sun is on their phone (they may have your face as their lock screen),in their bedroom, in the car. LOOOOL ! You are like the sun in the teletubbies. 

Masculine energy. 

Not them asking for a whole reading for themself. Sir… please go book on Ko-fi. Out here making me work extra on an empty stomach (smh). 

They are going through a hard phase in their depression. 

They can’t imagine a future with you. HA ! Don’t be scared. I just saw someone holding their heart… Lol. ‘’ Well you could have worded it differently …’’ Sir, this is my blog … CAN A GIRL CLICKBAIT IN FUCKING PEACE ? Girl, come get your man, he is getting on my nerves. You can let go of your tits. What actually is happening is they don’t think they are going to make it past a certain age. Stop holding your tit … (I’m just clickbaiting rn … sometimes I enjoy being dramatic … what ? I am a writer after all). People around them  always seem to die at a specific age because of their mental health, substance abuse or misery. But there’s age in their family in which most don’t pass and in the state they are in … they don’t think they are going to be different. Maybe their bff ended their life and they think they are next. That destiny only enjoys torturing them. They see you old and gray with your teletubbies smile running around in your backyard (hum… weird…) but it is like from the bottom of their soul they think they will be there. 

They don’t know their light. You came into their life to show them that there’s more good in them than they think. Maybe they are from a family where there’s more people in jail than free. Or more people die more because of addiction than old age. So all their life nobody gives a damn about them. Why would they care for the mess up kid in the fucked up family ? Is like they are multiple generations of fucked up. You showed them their light. The fact that they always answer your call no matter the time, they also serve you, they also go to work for you. All those actions prove their love but also their commitment at being better than the rest. They know how to budget, keep a job, take care of their health, etc. They just need the right motivation. 

What's their love language according to the cards – text, treats, or trauma bonding?

 Trauma bonding

First they love you. Second, their intentions are pure. It is just that my question can give a bit of a clickbait vibe, y’all know that I live for the drama (rarely … I just hate basic questions …). You are their safe place. They love having sex with. They love seeing in red lingerie.  They love the push up bra, the extremely thin pantie, the stocking, the way you did your hair and makeup just to end up being a sucking them the fuck up. They also love when you are drooling with spit from how big they are. They love touching you. They love cuddling you. I don’t feel like y’all make love. Y’all are way more rough in between the sheets. They love aftercare. They love taking care of you. They love taking a towel and cleaning you up or running a bath for the both of y’all. They love taking a shower with you (it may be mandatory activity everytime y’all sleepover to their house). They love cuddling you. They just love you ! They hate any kind of space between y’all. You are the only person to whom they open up too. They love the fact that you never rush them. They love the fact that you try to give them tips to cope in a better way. They love the fact that you believe they can be a better man. 

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PILE 3

You guys are the children of divorce parents. They always took care of you. You always had the newest clothes and shoes. You always had the newest technology gadgets. They put you in private school and you had a luxurious car as a gift. Yet, you grew up watching your dad being abusive very severely to your mom physically. You swore you were going to be different … but  here we are….  I don’t think y’all are physically violent to anyone but your anger is something. Is not like is coming out of no where but the stuff y’all do when you are loosing it is fucking questionable. If it was not for your beauty and money … y’all would be in JAIL ! 

Y’all need to learn to what the fuck a patnership is. You don’t like when people tell you what to do. Well sometimes it is needed. Also I am getting that a person just stating their opinion can piss you off. But ruffling feathers is part of  a relationship. Is also the fault of your partner because how is he/she going to get mad at you because you attract attention. Like you are a pretty boy/girl so for sure you are going to attract isn’t how they got you. Getting mad at you because you are wearing a short skirt like they were not in the same instagram profile liking that very same picture of you in it. You can’t get mad at baddie consequences when you bag one. On the other hand the way you show that anger ain’t it. The screaming, the destroying or even the blocking his/her phone number no, no , no. Y’all need to create a safe place to communicate and allow opinions that hurt you. Because in a safe place every emotion is valuable even if it is not factual. Is for both of y’all to find a way to explain yourself with love and care. 

2. With kind intention ONLY…Y’all need therapy because that’s the reason you can’t keep nobody close. Is not just that person is a friend, coworker, or even family member. I know you want someone to see past all that anger because you are so much more than that. You are brilliant, you are pretty, you are elegant, you speak multiple languages, you are multi-talented, you are excellent at study, you have great life hygiene, you are kind and extremely giving but girl… that monster inside of you needs to be tame. There’s only so much that a rage room can do. I know it is not your fault … your parents made you that way. With the constant screaming, beating, and even choking. It’s so fuck up to be responsable for a healing from trauma we never ask for. But not doing it is going to cost you all the love you are meant to receive. 

3. Stop suppressing your emotions. This situationship makes you realize how bad your emotional state actually is. Because being in a relationship with someone put you in a situation where all your triggers are in the open. You can’t run away, you can’t act like nothing is going on, you can’t play it cool. Because everything is too much, you feel too much so act impulsively. From the exterior, you have that facade of the perfect child. That front is a huge source of stress. You wish it to be true but you know damn well that you are far from it. You are always one trigger away from breaking your protection. That’ s a fucking source of stress on it’s on. Admit that you are angry and mad. Being always happy is killing you slowly. Y’all make me think of the red hair in Desperate Housewive. 

4. Gradual numbness. Since reacting doesn't work for you. When you are mad all the people in your life tend to forget all the good you did to them and all the good living within you. You are slowly running in a hole of feeling nothing. Going from feeling too much to feeling nada. 

What's their love language according to the cards – text, treats, or trauma bonding? 

Text

They love texting you. Honestly I feel y’all recently broke up but even if it has been a while they still love you so much. They are rooting for you. They also love the fact that the only communication between y’all 2 is texting. They can’t handle all you are but that does not mean they don’t love all of you 2. They love staying on the phone talking about everything. They love how educated you are on many subjects. They love your voice. Damm do they love your voice. Y’all have a pretty voice. They would never admit it but they love your voice even when  you are yelling at them. They love your moan and they still masturbate to your voice audio. Y’all may still practice phone sex because they can’t have enough of you. You are genuinely the most perfect human they've ever seen. Rightfully so, y’all have a very proportionate body, beautiful brown eyes and full tits. They have flashbacks of touching you not in a sexual way but they miss having their hand on you. You have one of the softest skin. 

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[emma23]

Desert roses and sandstorms:

Duke Leto astreides x reader

————————————————————————

The vast expanse of the desert stretched endlessly before you, golden sands shimmering in the unforgiving light of Arrakis' twin suns. The heat was suffocating, even within the cool confines of the palace. You found yourself staring out of the window, watching as the wind picked up, swirling the sand into a stormy dance. It reminded you of your own life—caught in a whirlwind, spinning out of control, with no way to break free.

You were a political pawn, a marriage arranged for the sake of alliances and the stability of power. Duke Leto Atreides, the man who was now your husband, was everything one might desire in a leader: noble, wise, and respected by all. But he was not the one your heart longed for.

No, that place was held by another—a love you could never speak of, a secret that weighed heavily on your soul. And yet, despite your longing, here you were, bound to Duke Leto by duty and obligation, forced to navigate a life you never chose.

A knock on the door pulled you from your reverie. You turned to see Duke Leto entering the room, his presence commanding, yet tempered with a certain gentleness that set him apart from other rulers you had known. His dark eyes met yours, and for a moment, you wondered if he could see the turmoil behind your gaze.

"My lady," he greeted, his voice deep and resonant, carrying with it the weight of both his station and his sincerity. "I hope I’m not intruding."

You offered him a small, polite smile, the kind you had perfected over the months. "Not at all, Duke Leto. I was just… admiring the view."

He glanced out the window, his brow furrowing slightly as he observed the sandstorm gathering strength in the distance. "It’s a harsh beauty, this planet. Not unlike the challenges we face."

"Indeed," you murmured, turning your attention back to the swirling sands.

For a few moments, there was silence between you—an all too common occurrence in your marriage. Though Leto was kind and considerate, there was always a certain distance, a formality that neither of you could seem to break through. Perhaps it was the nature of arranged marriages, or perhaps it was something deeper—an understanding that you were both playing roles, bound by duty more than affection.

"You’ve been quiet lately," Leto observed, his voice gentle but probing. "Is there something on your mind?"

You hesitated, your mind racing to come up with a suitable response. How could you tell him that your heart belonged to another? That every time he looked at you with those earnest eyes, you felt like a fraud?

"I’ve just been… adjusting," you finally said, avoiding his gaze. "Arrakis is so different from what I’m used to."

"It is," he agreed, moving closer, though maintaining a respectful distance. "But I want you to know that you’re not alone in this. If there’s anything troubling you, you can talk to me."

His sincerity was disarming, and for a moment, you were tempted to tell him everything. But that would be a betrayal—of both Leto and the person you truly loved. So instead, you offered another polite smile, the kind that didn’t quite reach your eyes.

"Thank you, Leto. I appreciate that."

He seemed to study you for a moment, as if searching for something beneath the surface. But whatever he was looking for, he didn’t find it, and he nodded, his expression thoughtful.

"I’ve arranged for a gathering tonight," he said, changing the subject. "A chance for you to meet some of the Fremen leaders. They’re a proud and noble people, and I think you’ll find their culture fascinating."

You nodded, though your heart wasn’t in it. "Of course. I look forward to it."

He smiled, a genuine expression that softened his features, making him look younger, almost boyish. "Good. I’ll see you there, then."

With that, he turned and left, leaving you alone with your thoughts once more. You let out a breath you didn’t realize you’d been holding, your shoulders sagging under the weight of your secrets.

The evening arrived more quickly than you had anticipated. Dressed in the finest garments provided by the House of Atreides, you made your way to the grand hall where the gathering was being held. The palace was filled with the sound of conversation, the murmur of voices blending with the occasional laugh or exclamation.

As you entered the hall, all eyes turned to you. You forced a smile, offering polite nods as you made your way to Leto’s side. He was deep in conversation with a group of Fremen leaders, his expression serious but respectful. When he saw you, he excused himself and met you halfway.

"You look lovely," he said, his eyes warm with approval.

"Thank you," you replied, though the compliment did little to ease the tension coiling in your chest.

Leto introduced you to the Fremen leaders, and you did your best to engage in the conversation, asking questions about their customs and traditions. They were an intriguing people, with a rich culture that was deeply tied to the desert that surrounded them. But as fascinating as it all was, you found your thoughts drifting, your mind wandering back to the person you truly wished was by your side.

At some point during the evening, Leto excused himself to speak with another guest, leaving you alone with your thoughts. You took a sip of your drink, trying to maintain your composure as you scanned the room.

It was then that you felt a presence behind you, and you turned to see a familiar figure—a tall, broad-shouldered man with striking features and a smile that made your heart skip a beat. Your real lover, the one you had been forced to leave behind when your marriage to Leto was arranged.

"Fancy seeing you here," he murmured, his voice low and teasing.

You felt a rush of emotions—joy at seeing him again, guilt for the situation you were in, and a longing so intense it was almost painful. "What are you doing here?" you whispered, trying to keep your voice steady.

"I’m here on business," he replied, though the look in his eyes told you that you were the real reason. "I had to see you."

"You shouldn’t be here," you said, though your heart wasn’t in the words. "It’s too dangerous."

"Dangerous?" he echoed, his smile widening. "You know I’ve never been one to shy away from danger."

You couldn’t help but smile back, though it was tinged with sadness. "It’s different now. I’m married."

"To a man you don’t love," he pointed out, his gaze piercing. "You don’t belong here."

"And where do I belong?" you asked, your voice barely above a whisper.

"With me," he said simply, as if it were the most obvious thing in the world. "You know that."

You closed your eyes, trying to block out the truth of his words. But you couldn’t deny the pull you felt toward him, the way your heart ached to be with him, even as your mind screamed that it was impossible.

"I can’t," you said, your voice trembling. "I have responsibilities now, duties I can’t just walk away from."

"You’re not happy here," he insisted, stepping closer. "You’re wasting away in this desert, pretending to be something you’re not."

"And what would you have me do?" you asked, your voice rising slightly. "Run away with you, abandon everything I’ve been given?"

"Yes," he said, his eyes burning with intensity. "Run away with me. We can go anywhere, be anything we want."

You looked into his eyes, seeing the passion there, the longing that mirrored your own. And for a moment, you were tempted. The thought of leaving it all behind, of being free to love who you wanted, was intoxicating.

But then you thought of Leto—of his kindness, his honor, the way he looked at you as if you were the most precious thing in the world. He didn’t deserve this, didn’t deserve to be betrayed by the person he had vowed to protect.

"I can’t," you said again, more firmly this time. "I won’t."

Your lover’s expression faltered, and for a moment, you thought he might argue. But then he nodded, his shoulders sagging slightly. "I understand," he said, though his voice was tinged with disappointment. "But know this—I’ll always be waiting for you, whenever you’re ready."

With that, he turned and walked away, leaving you standing there, your heart torn in two.

Later that night, after the guests had left and the palace had quieted down, you found yourself standing on the balcony, staring out at the desert once more. The sandstorm had passed, leaving the dunes smooth and undisturbed, like a blank canvas waiting to be filled.

You heard footsteps behind you and turned to see Leto approaching, his expression soft and tired. "It was a good evening," he said, coming to stand beside you. "The Fremen leaders seemed pleased."

You nodded, though your thoughts were elsewhere. "Yes, they did."

Leto was silent for a moment, his gaze fixed on the horizon. Then he turned to you, his eyes searching your face. "You’ve been distant," he said quietly. "I know this isn’t easy for you."

You swallowed, unsure of how to respond. "It’s… an adjustment," you said, the words feeling inadequate.

"I know," he said, his voice gentle. "And I don’t expect you to love me—not in the way you should have been able to love. I was never under any illusions about what this marriage was."

The confession hung between you like a weight, heavier than the stillness of the desert night. You looked at him, really looked at him, and saw the vulnerability in his eyes. This was a man who bore the burdens of an entire House, a man who had willingly accepted a life of sacrifice. And yet, even in his nobility, there was a profound loneliness—one that mirrored your own.

"Leto…" you began, unsure of how to address the sudden rawness in the moment. How could you explain that it wasn’t about him, that it was never about him? It was about you, and the life you had been forced to leave behind, the love that still lingered in the recesses of your heart.

He turned to you fully then, reaching out to gently take your hand in his. His touch was warm, grounding. "I know you had a life before this—someone you cared for deeply," he said, his words filled with an understanding that caught you off guard. "And I won’t pretend that I can replace that. But I want you to know that I’m here, for whatever you need. Whether it’s as a friend, a partner in duty, or…" He hesitated, searching your face as if trying to gauge your reaction. "Or more."

The sincerity in his voice stirred something in you, something you hadn’t expected. It wasn’t passion—at least, not the kind of wild, untamed passion you had once known. But it was something steady, something solid, like a rock in the shifting sands. It was the kind of love that could grow, if given the chance.

You squeezed his hand gently, offering him a soft smile. "I never wanted to hurt you, Leto. You’ve been nothing but kind and honorable. It’s just… complicated."

He nodded, a small smile playing on his lips, though it didn’t quite reach his eyes. "I know. And I’m not asking for anything you’re not ready to give. But if you ever find that you can… I’ll be here."

The words settled over you like a blanket, warm and comforting, and you found yourself leaning into the moment, letting the quiet intimacy of it soothe the ache in your chest. For a long time, neither of you spoke, simply standing together, watching as the night settled over Arrakis.

Eventually, Leto broke the silence, his voice tinged with a hint of hope. "It’s late. We should get some rest. Tomorrow brings new challenges, as always."

You nodded, allowing him to lead you back inside. But before you reached the door, you stopped, turning to face him once more.

"Leto," you said, your voice soft but firm. "I’m willing to try. To give this—us—a real chance. I don’t know what the future holds, but I do know that I respect you. And maybe, in time…"

He looked at you, his eyes searching yours, and you saw the flicker of something—hope, perhaps?—in his gaze. "That’s all I could ever ask for," he said gently, his hand brushing your cheek in a gesture so tender it made your heart ache.

You nodded, feeling a sense of calm settle over you. Maybe it wasn’t the love you had dreamed of, but it was something real, something that could grow into something beautiful in its own way.

Together, you made your way to the chambers you shared as husband and wife. The air between you was charged with a new kind of anticipation, one that was less about duty and more about choice.

That night, as you lay beside Leto, the weight of your decision settled over you like the warm sands outside. You weren’t sure what the future would bring, or if you could ever truly let go of the love you had left behind. But for the first time since your marriage, you felt a sense of peace, a quiet resolve to give this new life a chance.

As Leto’s breathing slowed beside you, you reached out, your hand finding his in the darkness. He responded in kind, his fingers curling around yours, a silent promise of whatever was to come.

And as you drifted off to sleep, the distant echoes of the desert winds seemed to whisper of new beginnings, of possibilities yet unexplored, and of a love that, while different, might still be worth holding onto.

[kindsoulbuddy]

The thing about praise and worship music at church is that

It’s catchy

Repetitive simple lyrics

It’s played on repeat every Sunday

So even though I’ve been deconstructing for years from evangelicalism, most days praise and worship music from my youth plays in my head.

So every once in a while I’ll sing to myself something joyful like “I got peace like a river I got peace like a river I got peace like a river in my soul!” 🎶

Or maybe “ Better is one day in your courts than thousands elsewhere!” 🎶

Or maybe something peaceful like “As the deer panteth for the water so my soul longeth after Thee…”🎶

Mostly it doesn’t bother me.

But then 90s/Y2K Christian pop music gets stuck in my head.

Like sometimes Rebecca St. James lyrics go through my head like this one glorifying purity culture:

“I am waiting for, praying for you darling! Wait for me too, wait for me as I wait for you! Darling Wait!”

Or you know just songs from DC Talk..

“What if I stumble, what if I fall? What if I lose my step and I make fools of us all?”

Or

“There’s no time to change your mind, the Son has come and you’ve been left behind.”

I think about the awful Rapture Anxiety I had for years and years…

And then i think about being in youth group and yes the fun times but also the moments when we had alter calls.

And the crying and sobbing. The speaking in tongues. The teenagers falling on their faces.

The sensationalized, sometimes violent “Human Videos” (just look up human videos on YouTube there are many).

Teens vowing to die for Christ.

When the Columbine shooting happened all we heard about were the apocryphal stories of students being martyred for Jesus.

I wondered “will a shooter come into our church today and ask us to deny Christ or be shot? What will I do if that happens??”

And what if I lose my salvation just because I had doubts? And what if I get possessed by a demon?

Not to mention purity culture and what it does to a young girl. (All kids suffered but we girls had to be modest and never cause any man to stumble by looking at our shoulder or something)

Abstinence class and signing a pledge to remain a pure virgin until my wedding night.

All the teenagers in every youth group were running around with raging hormones and couldn’t do anything about it. So a lot of us got married quickly. (I was engaged at 19, married at 21).

I mean I’m not even getting into young earth creationism or anti-gay rhetoric or pro life marches, etc..

But you can see that so much of my life (as good as it was for the most part, I was fortunate)was fear based?

And the thing is most of the people (congregation, I can’t speak for all the pastors and church leaders) at church didn’t mean for it to happen that way.

See, I was taught that there is freedom in Christianity. But why didn’t I feel free? That must mean my faith is weak, right?

It’s just so exhausting.

And I went to church regularly for my first 33 years of life. I volunteered, I taught Sunday school classes. I was trying to do it the right way.

Then Covid 19 happened.

I was forced to stop going to church for the first time in my life.

And honestly for years before this I was deconstructing. What really sped this process along was a certain Orange president and his very un-Christianlike followers.

And like Paul in the book of Acts, the scales fell off my eyes. I was blind but now could see. Really see.

The way my Christian peers were acting. The way they refused vaccines and even wearing masks. The cult-like behavior toward Donald Trump. The Christian nationalists.

And after a few months of no church…I realized I didn’t miss it.

After 2020, my deconstruction days really took off. I still don’t go to church (outside of a few weeks trying a gay-affirming congregation).

I used to compulsively pray.

And for hours i would pore over the scriptures trying to glean special meaning. Taking copious notes deep into the night.

(have OCD and I now realize that this brand of religion made my OCD symptoms so much worse.)

But it’s weird…

I have religious trauma. I’m learning about how I was literally in a cult. I’m still trying to unlearn stuff. I still get fearful sometimes about “what if I’m wrong?”.

But I still have good memories of growing up in church. Just like how I still sing old church songs in my head.

I’ve been to many churches, but I grew up in a small country church. I knew it like the back of my hand. It’s how I met some of my best friends and in turn, it’s how I met my husband of 17 years.

I can’t say I regret it. Like anything in life it’s complicated and complex.

I miss the social aspect of church too. I’ve never found another social space like it. I’ve tried! I can’t figure out any other ���3rd place” that resembles it.

I’m not sure why i wrote so much down except to say i know a lot of people understand where I’m coming from.

In the meantime, I like to go on r/fundiesnarkuncensored, also i watch Fundie Fridays on YouTube…and I do quite a bit of reading on the subject of others who left the church. Recently I just read Tia Levings’ new book “the Well Trained Wife.”

I’m more at peace about it.

But I think my complex feelings and even some doubts will follow me forever.

[soulntes]

CHAPTER 6 : FIRST LESSONS -BABY STEPS PART 1

CHAPTER 6 : FIRST LESSONS - BABY STEPS PART 2

this is something the mother wasn't prepared for what eywa plans for her and her son. a demon who perished his sins and errors, is back in the form of the people that persuades under the eye of eywa and wants to learn the way of the people.

ingyen believes this is what the great mother guided her to help a lost soul, a man who's stuck on who he truly wants to be into what he decides to become. his choice and how he approaches himself in this new body and life will influence his future.

just like jake sully, there is something within this man that eywa sees to test if he truly will embrace her in his heart and spirit.

this will not be an easy journey for her and seykxel but she won't question eywa in her plans so she will do her best in teaching this man on what it truly is to be a na'vi. the lifestyle, their culture, their spiritual connection with everything in the forest and their mother, how they hunt, fight, eat, survive on their own, and anything that she lived through..

that man and his lost friends would go through as well to prove their determination in being na'vi.

since they have passed through the eye of eywa, she brought them to her for a pass on her knowledge into these demons for a preparation to prove themselves to become one of the people.

whatever was planned didn't go exactly as accordingly when she returned to camp, running after the demon to beat him to a pulp with his ridiculous play.

she was seething with rage as the demon kept that awfully smirk on his face when his other demon friends caught the whole interaction with the wrong interpretation of getting under her nerves of teasing her. they all whistled and wiggled their visible eyebrows at their colonel's way to influence his charms on the omatikaya woman.

ingyen knows their nasty tactics to try persuading her in anything they think of under the palm of their five fingered hands. it wasn't going to being wooed and fall into the trap of seduction of a demon. she growls at this yanking the dead animal away from his grip to prepare it for her son.

she sees her son sitting alone a little far from the avatars with his knife in hand to help out his mother. "seykxel, srung oe hawl ayoeng wutso." seykxel, help me prepare our meal. she asks her son for help and he smiles at her at the thought of finally having their meal together.

sure they were stuck with a bunch of strangers in the forest but this is something he won't complain about because he has his mother and dinner he thought he'd never have again.

miles watch every action the mother and the boy make with their daggers meanwhile the recoms check their equipment for their first night out in the forest. he distinguish how they bond with conversion in na'vi as if they were in their own little bubble, not caring a damn thing, what or who's next to them. he made his way towards the pair and with the twitch of the na'vi woman's ears tells her of sounds everyone makes.

ingyen turns to the demon, distress at him for wanting to beware of them in case of escape. miles just observes what she was doing in peeling off the skin, separating the bones and whatever she got rid of he thinks weren't good for the kid.

he's aware that she definitely cares for the boy in every possible way and would anything to keep him safe and healthy. he grew up into a built young man who could handle anything on his own like he did against the general and the machine he fought his mind against.

by the focus of all this, she intimidated his squad and himself, under her sharp blade with her killer gaze. her feline like hisses and strength impressed the colonel of her composure in that kind alarming situation.

the young mother takes a deep breath looking back into the eyes of miles, feeling his watching their every move and utters "what is it, demon?! can't you see i am focusing on giving my son his food?" she spits her venomous tongue towards his unfazed demeanor.

miles devilishly grins at her tigress personality, "nothing, sweet mama. i like how you speak english but i love it when you curse me out in na'vi, brings out the fire in you."

the comment gets her riled up more and spider senses a possible attraction towards his mother causing to hiss at the man, "don't think about it, bro. that's my mother you're talking about." ingyen calms her son, patting his untamed hair, making a mental note before he rests to take care of it.

it's diverting enough witnessing human quaritch's son react in a way towards someone who he perceives as his mother. their relationship goes farther than what he imagines.

what the twenty year old recom's main principle is get through spider, gaining his trust and slowly build a stable bond with interactive learning so he'd get ingyen's attention of willingly letting himself be at her mercy and she lets her rough guard down.

"take it easy tiger, i'm just sayin'. so let's begin a little on what we're going to learn for tomorrow, introductions first." miles suggests to ingyen who kept peeling the skin by bits, storing it for some other use with her blank face, "i have better idea. let's do it in na'vi, i want to hear of what you know, makes learning more easier to teach, and i want to know what your skills would be better in for survival." the mother states seeing the recom's stiff a little but keep their composure professional.

"alright, how do you want to do it, sweet heart?" miles asks her. she pats the ground, ushering the group to sit in front of her and seykxel. all them do what they're told as spider washes and scrubs off the remaining meat on the skin.

ingyen cuts the meat into bits to share amongst themselves, if she's going to teach them well enough as a na'vi, sharing is a part of their culture to hear and talk within themselves so she's seeking this opportunity as a lesson.

"i start to introduce myself. oe lu ingyen te tskaha mo'at'ite." she starts speaking quickly on her full name which got every recom gape, not understanding a word she said.

miles could only figure out her name and 'i' that his tail swishes in bothersome, "sorry but can you go slower? some of us don't got a clue what you just said, princess."

ingyen groans, "i guess i should start telling you simple words. skxawngs." she insults them at the end as she places each piece on a stick to cook over the fire the demons set up.

everyone observe her quick multitasking in cooking the meat that is starting to smell different but appetizing and wrapping a couple of what looked like small beans or plants into big leaves.

the food she made is becoming more and more mouthwatering with the stuff she sprinkled on that is tempting to eat for miles and the others. it's something new and different from what the rda were feeding them.

he counted the pieces and leaf wraps knowing she's done sufficient for his squad. how considerate of her. he thought.

ingyen asks the help of her son in holding a bigger leaf as she places one steaming leaf warp at a time to cool down. spider licks his lips ready to devour her food, the rda food they served wasn't appetizing and filling because he's used to this kind of meal that he threw whatever they offered away from him.

"the way i introduced myself is simple. well only if you hear correctly with those little crop ears you demons have." the recoms touch their ears seeing the difference with hers that are more like a german shepherd from their memories. theirs were like dobermans. she continues, "the way i say about myself 'i' is 'oe'. a long o and a short e sound with what i learned in school years ago. am 'lu' that creates two words. 'i am', 'oe lu'. now comes the hard part for you, repeat it after i go over one by one. if i don't hear it correctly.. i simply hit you on the head because you learn fast or stay behind." ingyen reaches over to hit quaritch's forehead in showing how their punishment would look like.

his ear flick back and his tail swishes annoyed on how he's the prime example of their experience with a na'vi born on pandora.

"from you to you," she points to miles first then comes lyle, zdog, fike, mansk, prager, and lastly brown, "repeat after me."

her first victim is miles sitting with his legs criss cross and hunched, resting his chin on his fist; checking spider's mother head to toe on her body language. to him, he wasn't gonna lie that for a na'vi woman born in the forest, she's an attractive lady. her slender body and elongated waist with blue patterned skin filled with minimal scars, tightly braided hair that fit her facial structure and her golden eyes staring into his...

miles was so lost in his thoughts that he felt her hand hitting his forehead with a slap. his eyes blink rapidly, disoriented as he looks over at her unpleased frown and yellow eyes pierce into his "what?"

ingyen's facial expression change. ear slicks back, tail swooshes in a maddening way, her knife moving quickly each cut she makes with a cruel eye contact that got him shivering in his boots. she goes over to grab him by the ear, pulling him close to her, "you did not repeat what i said, skxawng!"

"whoa! that definitely hurts, relax there mamas. in my defense i got distracted." he defends himself, holding her fingers gripping on like they were a second from ripping his ear off.

"what distraction could possibly be more important than learning you useless man!?"

miles's cheeky grin grew on his face, smirking as he softly tells her in a attempt to woo her a little, "well you darling. you are quite dashing for no man incapable of resisting a gorgeous woman like yourself."

the comment from his mouth got her to stop his punishment, trying to gather what he just said. his vile mouth spewing whatever came to mind is truly one of a kind.

yes she's considered a beautiful woman back in her village, along with her sisters, with strong suitors putting their efforts to promise her in providing and love her as she should but no man was able to survive if they continued after she rejects them. with the women, she kindly lets them down.

until now with this demon's foul mouth, his inappropriate sentences to get her off track on her doing for the great mother. this demon's rebirth changes everything.

ingyen pushes him back without a hiss at his advances, "you are incompetent and insane, demon! i will return to ask you again and be ready or you won't get a share." putting her foot down and in his place, she looks to lyle who's preparing himself so he wouldn't get treatment his colonel got.

the rest of his team were snickering at the interaction but spider glared daggers at him with how his mom is handling quaritch with patience and ignoring his childish acts.

the kid settles himself next to him to teach what was easy to repeat so they can eat as soon as possible. spider was hungry and nothing will make him desperate other than not eating his mother's food.

miles still chuckling at her interaction as he holds his burning ear, "your momma has spunk, kid. is she always like this?"

spider's mannerisms speak volume when he crosses his arms, "not if you keep doing what you're doing, you're going to end up with her dagger in your heart."

and miles keeps up with the same joking attitude, "oh a heartbreaker she is, isn't she?" spider shows his disgust the man makes about his own mother.

during the process of learning a simple introduction, the food already set to eat so ingyen started to show how they were going to be eaten. she wasn't going to tell them what it contained in the food until someone asks just for the fun of it.

she grabs a handful of leaf wraps, first handing ons to her son, patiently waiting with an empty stomach, "dinner is ready. now to get your share, i want all of you repeat what little we practice from the last demon to the first. we start with you brown." he for sure got it down trying his best pronouncing it as best as he could.

as a reward, he got his food and comes another recom's turn. everyone's excitement to taste what smelled so delicious is hardly to resist in waiting for the rest getting their share.

lastly the devil from hell himself faces her in focusing to not hesitate putting his all in his introduction. ingyen holds onto his leaf wrap waiting for him to speak, "oe lu' miles te quaritch kehe fko'ite." i am miles quaritch no one's son.

the woman sighs in relief, handing him his part immediately, "nì'i'a! fipo vrrtep tsun plltxe! awnga yom set!" finally! this demon can speak! we eat now!

with the colonel completing his first proper introduction ingyen shows them how they unravel the leaf wrap, revealing what seems cooked insects.

they didn't care how strange and brown they look, they just devoured to their fills content and the taste of sweetness on their tongue is something unusual but good despite it being steamed.

it's so different than the rda's human food of a flavor so bland from when they were humans. to what little they remember.

of course the one who had to ask about the insect is the demon who talks with his mouth full of it, "this is delicious mamas. what is it?" her striped eyebrow arches and questions his curiosity, "are you sure you want to know? if i tell you and you do not eat, i will kill you in your sleep."

he moans by its rich taste that sends him to heaven, "positive darling."

she smirks, "it is teylu or best known to demons, beetle larvae." those words hault the recoms for a second and swallow what was good down their throats to process what they've eaten.

zdog shrugs it off and finishes her portion, "who cares. i love how it tastes, you keep making these and i'm a happy woman at your service, my lady."

spider butts in with a happy smile and a mouthful of cuisine that he enjoyed his whole life, "mom always does the best meals out there and i got to enjoy each of them so if you want her to share, you gotta put in the work and be on her good side especially you!" he points at miles as he dives in again.

ingyen tenderly placed an alleviating hand on seykxel's head the compliments he gave of her cooking. her son enjoyed everything they did and ate together with his cheeks stuffed with food, it filled her heart with joy and confidence in trying her best to give the best life he deserves.

"lucky for everyone, this teylu is our main source of protein for our body, giving us the nutrients we need so i advice you in eating every last bit." ingyen tells them looking towards miles direction more importantly if he decides to not finish his food, who throws his hand in defense at her remark and eats all of his food before she punished him again.

he watches his team communicate within them about their memories since they woken up and the mother chewing the last bit of teylu, she passed around the last course of their meal.

the hexapede.

"this is yerik. the meat helps omatikaya grow muscle where we need it most and the proper balance of protein to our stomach. helps us stay strong and full throughout our days of tasks. i added ovumshroom to give it taste." she explains eating off of her son's hand, offering meanwhile she sat behind him to fix his knotted hair.

she apologized to seykxel going through each strand, feeling him wince under the process, "ma'itan, oe lu' ngaytxoa tsal lu tsan'ul. pänu oe. kawkrr kä kxamlä leyn nga, ma'eveng."

my son i am sorry it will be better. i promise. you never have to go through that again my child.

he brushed it off as nothing, "kehe sngum, txur tsamsiyu. hufwa fmi tsawng oe, säfyep vrrtep nìltsan."

not to worry, strong warrior. i handled the demons well although their attempts breaking me. ingyen hugs her son tightly trying her best in not breaking down in front of everyone who could use him against her to manipulate.

"lì'upe len?" what happened?

spider hesitates on telling her, glancing at miles for a second watching them carefully at a distance. his mother waited for his confession, staring as if trying to discover the thoughts racing through his mind from what the demons put him through.

he takes a deep breath before looking back at his mother's concern expression feeling invulnerable, choosing to be honest and tell the truth of what occured. "vrrtep yem oe stxong'u, pung re'o kop vitra, fmi'ke peng lawk lena'vi ulte tsyeyk'soaia.

the demons put me in a strange thing, hurt my head and soul, trying not tell them about the people and jake's family.

his voice slightly cracks reliving the trauma that would be carried of the terrorizing the demons done and this will not sit right for the na'vi mother. she curse under her breath, turning her deadly stare at the demon, instructing his squad to rest for the night as he keeps watch, wanting to slice his neck but spider notice in time to hold his mom's hand into calming her.

"po tarep oe tìrey, tìftang si zevakx kop tìng skxom alìm."

he saved my life, stop their torture and given me a chance away from them.

the way her son pleads her in sparing his life because he saved his which ingyen gives into the decision.

"i will talk with the demon, you have nothing to worry but sleep a good rest for tomorrow my son. i will be here now." she consoles him, petting his neatly done hair with new beads that goes with his bow he brought with her. she takes out a made travel hammock out, made of the same thread their swaynivi, so he'd sleep more comfortably on top the trees. just how they adventure the forest beginning of eclipse to enjoy the stars as a family. family hammock

speak of the devil, miles stops them thinking they were planning ahead of their escape, "hold on, princess. can't have you in the trees if you're planning on running?"

ingyen huffs in response continuing on setting up their travel hammock, "we sleep in the trees to avoid confrontation against an animal who's territorial if they catch us. it's best to avoid than be squashed under a strum beast's foot. you wouldn't know because you're not from here."

he bit his lip thinking she was right.. even if they passed under the immune system of the planet, there was so much to learn and their teacher is the key in discovering what resources and how they survive a single night in the forest.

full of mysteries yet to solved when their beloved eywa also carries a great burden of balancing the way of life. this got the colonel thinking about the purpose of his rebirth and the way his body responds in times ever since his arrival here, opened his mind more about everything he witnessed and felt about the kid raised by a na'vi woman.

his awaken caused people in the rda depict him as the cruel, military trained, and professional colonel miles rick quaritch who never displayed a single shred of compassion towards the wild life or learn to live with a different species; living by a code of destruction those crossing his path to show his dominance. looking down upon who he deemed savages that want to protect their entire life.

now.. with him opening his eyes, the fear of memories installed into his body caused him to panic at first.. then he remembers the voices of the fallen soldiers. his fallen soldiers led to their doom. the sins in their pasts, they came back not only with the knowledge of those in the past, also the bodies of the ones they hated most gives them a chance to redeem the mistake of doubting the strength of the betrayal.

counting with the head aches and dreams he's been having since the human quaritch grew an immune hate toward the na'vi for him to be attracted to one like jake sully. never knowing how her face looks and who she is because she's just there.. it made him think about who he truly is.

is he the colonel miles quaritch because of the man years ago who died, failed to complete the mission left behind what was their last resort in coming back?

or is he.. who is he?

maybe it's all in his head?

your head is fine kid. learn this savage and get our revenge.

miles turns to look over his shoulder as if someone was speaking directly into his pointy ears, a prickle of breath down on his neck like it was watching his every move that his heart accelerated a bit. this kind of worried ingyen noticing the demon spaced in his own thoughts and troubles he was facing and how he reacted if an entity or spirit was standing behind him.

more than what he is, she made her to the ground and silently walks her way in front of him. with her hate on this man doesn't change what was bothering him, got her cautious of what he challenges ahead.

her hands creeps gently in the night forest with little critters chirping and croaking their voices, places it on his strong bicep. miles gasps lowly at the sudden contact but relaxed seeing it was the woman checking on him with concern written on her face even with her stern look.

"you seem to be challenging something deep in your heart and soul that doesn't match to what you're feeling." ingyen's tender word of advice snaps him out of the state, "you have much to learn about our great mother and what she plans for you so i suggest to ease your mind as much as you can when you're in forest. open everything within you to learn the way of na'vi."

her words hit like hard stones in his heart. again.. she was right but he'd never admit because his mission is to hunt down and kill jake sully. within his soul he wants to hold the hand of someone showing concern and noticed his strange behavior yet he went against it.

"tomorrow we'll prepare camp on trees.. also be up the same time as us because teaching starts bright and early. we'll be sleeping on the ground for tonight, sweetheart. don't worry your pretty head about me." with that miles turns heel to his squad and inform them on their side missions.

miles quaritch doesn't given into someone's compassion, let alone a na'vi woman far different between them. with a body of a young na'vi and the knowledge of the fifty year old military and leadership is a huge help on completing his mission, he shouldn't let himself on low guard to become exactly like jake sully.

ingyen was left there standing, watching him retreat to his own circle with his heavy burden that he can't confess the truth of what was on his mind.

she knows he was born from grief and raised in little time of hate but she gives him time to adjust what is new to him until he is fully ready and prove himself a child of eywa when he truly wants to be.

each to their own space, ingyen and miles slept in their own comfort of pressure to plan their lives on working with each other but gain themselves what they're truly there for. the sake of the mission for earth. the sake of her regaining her son and go back home with her people. now comes with an altercation that can change their purpose.

miles watches the stars under the purple forest to ease himself in peace and ingyen embraces her son close to her heart and safely in her arms, pecking his head and sings his lullaby.

- - ┈┈∘┈˃̶༒˂̶┈∘┈┈ - -

eclipse ended as the forest of pandora starts to wake up the same time with ingyen. she untangles herself from her son's tight hold to check her surroundings, there were the demons still asleep with the roll of her eyes of how punctual they are after their leader ordered her to do so.

by starting this new experience of being their teacher, she has to wake up the leader since he has the power to motivate the rest of his team. ingyen pecks her son's head and creases his hair before landing on the soft ground, she walks to the huddled group; snoring and turning in their spot, her foot pats the back of miles to wake him.

but miles didn't budge and she did the same gesture again.. still no response. growing tired of waiting for this fool to the point of punishing him as a child by grabbing at the base of his tail and pull him.

miles' eyes jerk wide open from the pain he felt, barely comprehending on why is this crazy woman began tugging his tail like she's competing in a game of a tug war.

"jesus christ, mama. what a way to wake up someone who loves the tigress in you but this is just torture!" he grunts trying to grip the plants in saving his tail from being ripped off but she kept going. she had an immense strength.

"you skxawng! you tell me to get up early but you are still asleep. you are leader of the demons so act like it, be an example for your friends to learn na'vi!" she shouts back, letting go of his tail while scolding him of his laziness.

"i cannot believe i have to teach a child, barely able to get up early! seykxel is a child but knows better than this idiot on his ass complaining about his tail!" her muttering doesn't go unknown for miles cursing him out in english, "i'm right here sweetheart, you don't gotta insult a poor man putting his life on the line in protecting your kid." he responds with a smirk but immediately froze on the spot by her speed, now standing face to face with him.

when did she get here so fast?

her nose scrunches in anger barely containing any self control to tear this demon apart, limb for limb and feed it to the wild animals. she points at him, "you are the reason why seykxel is in a tough spot, the children you took hostage do not deserve that so now you suffer with the consequence of me, demon." her voice sounded so tough in her low tone as she deals the situation.

"who's sey kel?" he asks.

"seykxel! say it right, demon! children do not deserve to be involved in things of us, adults, so i will take as many chances to punish you because you are like a baby. making noise, don't know what to do."

she was vicious, thinking that she'll intentionally want to make learning difficult for him so he'd get through his thick skull so she could get every opportunity to hit him as discipline.

her scrunched up nose when she's upset, matching her unpleased glare staring deep into his which got him amused plenty of times that he's purposely doing it multiple times just to see her ears flatten back and tail flick at his actions.

his stupid smile that ignites her hate even more that's directly to her.

"then teach me and i will learn. i won't promise anything that'll get you on your bad side, my love." a cheeky grin turning into a smirk as he looks into her angry eyes, if only a single look could kill instantly.

this was it. it's over.

ingyen scoffs, what seemed the hundredth time in two days, coming up a way to teach her new demon students and show them it is not a child's game.

and she got an idea.

"you and me, we go to learn basic na'vi words by using the forest so you have to leave your weapons. bring only your knife. we'll be back by the time the rest awake." she suggests fighting the urge to confidently show off her intelligence.

miles chuckles emptying out his pockets and guns to leave near by his comrades, "trying to get me alone to murder me. don't threaten me with a good time, darling." she shakes her head at the constant names he gives, "better zip that mouth if you want to survive and i am not whatever you call me."

"then come here and shut me up properly mama." he lastly said following the woman into forest with her usual stern face now decorated in a deep shade of purple.

...

"alright where are we, darling?" he says out of breath, barely able to complete his sentence from running through the forest. this is not anything like the training they have back at the rda or the training he remembers from his memories.

yes, he's ran miles and handled any tough challenge of obstacles but this kind of exercise he was getting out of not to be left behind the woman since she seems less tired and composed of her breathing.

"deep in the forest, near a waterfall where we see almost the entire forest. now, when i teach you each thing or anything of part of our body, you say it back in na'vi. that is all. i will go over this with your demon friends as well so through our journey we speak more and then we go onto the next lesson once i see you are fit on what's best for you." she sits at the edge of a cliff ready to begin and miles sits way too close in front of her that their faces are inches from touching, she stares at him, "i get it sweetheart but you don't gotta keep calling me a demon. the names miles, love."

with is outstretched hand for her to shake but she slaps it away, "i call you what i call you since you do the same. what words do you want to begin with, demon?" he thought about it whether to start at basics with animals or colors or environment since he's far from asking on the topic of jake sully or the balance of life as what she calls it.

"let's start with body parts." pointing at her eyes she responds, "okay, eyes are nari."

"nari." he repeats and she praises with a slight nod.

"ear is mikyun."

"mikyun."

"that's it, demon. i'll repeat this two more times then i will test you if your memory gets it." ingyen is at a state of a teacher teaching a child to speak for the first time, only is he a grown man who saved her son's life but the sole reason he was kidnapped. she's going to make it harder the more cocky he gets to learn a valuable lesson.

"so far it's easy, don't go soft on me when we're alone." with his signature smile she gags, throwing her whole empathy away.

during their lessons ingyen kept repeating, giving him a chance to memorize it more to get use to the different tongues of sounds in the words. both of them in the middle of the forest grew more greener and vibrant shades of blue the more they interact even if it was a lesson. miles senses the environment more tolerable and peace, the eclipse disappearing welcoming the bright light which illuminates the water with a crystal like stream and a far he sees animals appearing to do their thing in the wild.

his body relaxes under the shade of the trees, repeating the different sounds in his head and touching the soil under his fingertips as a coping mechanism for his focus.

she notices how he was improving a bit trying to make it sound how she said it.

now comes the test.

she points her fingers to every part on her face like her eyes.

"nari." miles says focusing well in each word and properly repeating to her. he also takes in every detail of her face in it's relaxed state under the ray of light, peaking through the tree.

next were nose, mouth, and hands at the same time.

"ontu is nose. kxa, mouth. and hand, tsyokx."

"that is good for a beginner, demon. i think we should head back my son is waiting for me." she rises from her spot with the man following, stretching his limbs.

"well can't wait for more lessons from my gorgeous teacher on our alone time. you think we skip the lessons next time and tell me if you are single for a date, my darling." he jokingly says ready to put his arms up in case he has to guard himself.

what he left open defenseless was his tail again that swishes in excitement until he felt her holding it tightly in her hands, "learn to respect me, demon. i am no one's as long as my son is around."

"so i gotta ask the kid for approval first? i wonder how much men you rejected because of spider." he laughs but winces at her pulling.

ingyen signals her head to head back. she thought about what the demon said about rejecting so many suitors who were great men and women as mates because of her son.

not to blame him but in a way she thought about his feelings and what he thought first ever since she took him in, she didn't want him to suffer of being not loved by her possible mate. as a mother she left all of that behind so her son can be free whoever he wants to become and have so much love.

as soon they arrive, spider and the recoms were awake and cleaning up their mess before their day ahead. spider notices her mother, running up to hug her and sticking his tongue out at quaritch.

"oh my sweet seykxel. i apologize for not being there with you, i had to teach the demons ahead of what lies in their journey." she kneels to his level checking his mask to see if everything's alright. spider smiles knowing he wasn't dreaming reuniting with his mom but the last thing he needed was the man with her, coming out of the woods.

the thoughts in his head of the shit he said to her to get on her nerves and constant reminders to focus. he stook his tongue out at him hugging his mother tightly.

miles arches his eyebrow at his childish act, "kid, that wasn't nice. you know i can tell on you with your mother."

"what's it to you? you're the one insufferable here." he did it again and ingyen said nothing just giggling at seykxel's instincts to answer back.

her giggle is a new sound to the ears of the demon. miles will remember to bother the kid to receive such a wonderful emotion to tease her even further when they're alone again.

"blue one, iron sky. send your report." the general's voice in his ear piece in contact of the situation. pressing the button on his throat comm to send his status, "iron sky, blue one. we are at the same spot yesterday only we ran into something valuable. or someone i should mention."

"inform, blue one."

"it's the kid's mother. a na'vi woman who raised him as a baby. we already made a deal with the na'vi of teaching us our way through the forest. i'll advise in if anything more high valuable for the mission." miles says watching her and spider smiling as they talk.

"you better know what you're doing colonel. iron sky will come for pick up in ten days top with the hostages, whatever problems or news there are, call it in."

"yes, general." the conversation ends.

once he and his team head back to bridgehead city, he'll have to report the mother and child to stay together and with him on their side missions in the forest. a single mistake can ruin the operation because with spider reunited with his mom means anything can happen in a second if he's mishandled.

he will have to talk with her about joining them to the rda, no choice in rejecting it since spider has a tracker chip in his mask and he won't be able to survive without it.

as another day begins their training and lessons start by their own na'vi teacher and her son to show them the lifestyle of their people on survival and skills to depend on in the forest.

all of them will go through tests and passages that she will choose whether they succeed or not.

miles hopes on developing a stable relationship with the woman and appear friendly so he'd get information about jake sully but for now he's gonna have to wait a few days so he's enjoying what will be his entertainment in this forest full of dangers.

to be an absolute nuisance to ingyen.

TAGLIST

@skinmittensgoblin @eternallyvenus @winxschester @perseny @cleverzonkwombatsludge @reallysparklychaos @im-in-a-pansexual-panik @liyahsocorro @violet-19999 @drinking-tea-and-be-obsessed @ratchetprime211 @analuw @alexandra-001 @grimistangel

[miirshroom]

Test for Echo, Freud, and Elden Ring (Shadow of the Erdtree)

Thinking about how not all examples of fantasy stories come from books or film, sometimes they are found in song. Thinking about the lyricism of Canadian Progressive Rock band Rush.

If it wasn't obvious - the Shadowlands is a Freudian nightmare. The surrealism of Salvadore Dali was heavily influenced by Freudian psychoanalysis and the cocoon of the empyrean is staged to resemble Dali's work Geopoliticus Child Watching the Birth of the New Man.

Recently released Armored Core VI: Fires of Rubicon directly has an AC pilot named "Freud" whose emblem is a hand emerging from shadow holding a key (AC unit called "Locksmith").

And as it turns out, Neil Peart - lyricist for Rush - also was drawing inspirations from Freud while writing songs for Test for Echo (1996).

"I've always been curious about all religions, and the Totem idea came from the Freud book 'Totem And Taboo', which I ran across at the Chalet studio where we were working just in the bookshelf in the living room. I had been kind of rediscovering Freud by way of Jung and getting to understand the really deep stuff he was dealing with as opposed to some of the pop psychology that we were fed growing up, and I thought Totem And Taboo was such a beautiful title because it's what we fear and what we worship. Totem being what we worship and Taboo being what we fear. What a beautiful, embracing metaphor. At one time, the song Resist was called 'Taboo' because I wanted to have the two little set pieces of what we fear, and in 'Totem' I was just trying to appropriate all religions because that's what I found looking around at different religions and different systems, is that they all have something good. So I thought why not have them all? The 'Buddha smile' is a nice thing, and I'd like to have 12 Apostles...it's all great. It was really just a kind of tongue and cheek, all the good things of different religions." Neil Peart, Jam! Showbiz, October 16, 1996

The lyrics to the songs can be found here: https://www.rush.com/albums/test-for-echo/

It's a fantasy that people of all religions and esoteric beliefs would get together to craft their perfect god to fear and worship. Fortunately, Elden Ring is a fantasy. From the song "Totem", how many of the faith systems here can you spot represented somewhere in the game?:

I’ve got twelve disciples and a Buddha smile The Garden of Allah – Viking Valhalla A miracle once in a while I’ve got a pantheon of animals in a pagan soul Vishnu and Gaia – Aztec and Maya Dance around my totem pole I believe in what I see I believe in what I hear I believe that what I’m feeling Changes how the world appears Angels and demons dancing in my head Lunatics and monsters underneath my bed Media messiahs preying on my fears Pop culture prophets playing in my ears I’ve got celestial mechanics To synchronize my stars Seasonal migrations – daily variations World of the unlikely and bizarre I’ve got idols and icons, unspoken holy vows Thoughts to keep well-hidden – sacred and forbidden Free to browse among the holy cows That’s why I believe Angels and demons inside of me Saviors and Satans all around me Sweet chariot, swing low, coming for me

And then there's Resist, which has some Miquellian themes:

I can learn to resist Anything but temptation I can learn to co-exist With anything but pain I can learn to compromise Anything but my desires I can learn to get along With all the things I can’t explain I can learn to resist Anything but frustration I can learn to persist With anything but aiming low I can learn to close my eyes To anything but injustice I can learn to get along With all the things I don’t know

But neither of these songs were the tip off for why I thought to look more closely at this album. It was the Crucible Knights and Bloodhound Knights. They've always had the odd quirk of being named for geological periods. That's a lyric from the song Dog Years:

I’d rather be a tortoise from Galapagos Or a span of geological time Than be living in these dog years

Ironic that the tortoises in Elden Ring have no text option allowing them to be labelled appropriately, so the community has decreed them "dog".

There are other songs from this album that I can see represented in Elden Ring. The title song Test for Echo is about how people yearn for connection, but what the mass media landscape delivers is sensationalism and acts of violence around the world. In 30 years this hasn't really improved. A picture of an inunnguaq was selected for the album cover from fascination for the way that the simple stone structure provides evidence of the existence of other humans having travelled before through a desolate landscape. And as I have mentioned before, Radagon's story has hints of Narcissus and Echo.

This is bookended by the final song on the album Carve Away the Stone. The song suggests that like the Greek Sisyphus, all people are eternally rolling their own stones up a hill in the form of emotional baggage or other trauma. But people aren't static like a character from a story - they don't need to carry that weight forever. If you have the opportunity to shape your own destiny, why not take it? This would be related to the way that both Marika and Radagon appear to be carved of stone.

There's also the largely instrumental song that is second to last on the album and titled Limbo. It's implied to be vampire themed by one of the few vocal cut-ins being in a goofy vampire voice ("Whatever happened to my Transylvania twist?"). So like, Messmer the Impaler in the limbo-coded Shadowlands. His allusions to vampirism firstly being an epithet invoking Vlad the Impaler and also he has only false/closed eyes so he can't self reflect (one of the superstitions of vampires being that their reflection won't show up in a mirror because the mirrors in those days were polished silver). The archetype of the vampire in the Shadow is Jungian stuff and like I said - Neil Peart was thinking about depth psychology while writing this album.

For the rest of the songs the potential connections are more vague ("Time and motion / Flesh and blood and fire / Lives connect in webs of gold and razor wire" - Time and Motion) ("Gravity and distance / Change the passage of light / Gravity and distance / Change the color of right" - The Color of Right).

This isn't the only Rush album that I find possibly to have had some influence on the Radagon/Miquella/Mohg portion of Elden Ring. There's also the album 2112 (1976) back in Rush's earlier fantasy/sci-fi era, which introduces the Priests of the Temples of Syrinx - a kind of thought police represented by a red star - and mentions twin moons being in the sky. It was Rush's breakthrough album in America, followed the next year by A Farewell to Kings (1977), for which the notable songs include A Farewell to Kings, Xanadu, and Closer to the Heart. Also the album cover shows a puppet king slumped on a throne in front of a crumbling building. But again like with Test for Echo, one could imagine how all songs on the album might be combined to create an overall sense of time period.

I'm not making a case for FromSoft promoting Freudian pseudopsychology, for the record. All this psychoanalysis stuff is in the Shadowlands and nobody in the Lands Between cares about what's in the Shadowlands. It's in the past, dead and buried. You can no more decide the course of the future by replicating the past than you can create a sustainable global economy by learning economics through playing Elden Ring.

[mancer-in-the-abbey]

Listening to Steam Powered Giraffe as I am wont to do when I need a break from Ghost and Honeybee came on and now I can’t stop thinking about Dew and his relationship with the previous era.

Dew was alone for the majority of his life in the pit- not for any particularly tragic reasons, at least in his opinion. That’s just how his particular variant of water ghoul works: Young ghoul pups stay with their mothers till they’re old enough to hunt for themselves and eventually they just kind of… swim off on their own, likely never seeing their parent again unless by chance.

All this to say, Dew was never a particularly social person before coming topside. Being surrounded by so many people when he was first summoned was a hell of a culture shock to him, almost immediately putting him in fight or flight.

It helped that, in my mind, Dew wasn’t immediately summoned into the Ghost project and instead spent his first year as your run of the mill nameless ghoul. Being put on kitchen duty allowed him to watch how the human staff interacted and bonded. Over time, he was even accepted as one of their own, taught to do more than wash dishes and only speak when spoken to.

Yet, even with that, Dew found himself to be… missing something. His new life on the surface had awakened an ache like the pressure of the deep sea- this longing he hadn’t even known was there till he’d gotten the barest hint of fulfillment. It gnawed at him, day in and day out, but no matter what he did, what avenue he went down, he couldn’t find anything to quell the feeling.

And then, after the loss of almost all their instrumentalists, the Ghost project opened auditions.

It was a tense time in the abbey; no one was sure where the project was heading in the aftermath of the banishments and Terzo’s place in the ministry was coming under question. Dew, however, saw an opportunity for something better, something that just might give him the thing that soothed the ache quickly becoming unbearable to him.

And somehow, by a miracle of Satan himself if one were to ask Dew, he was picked to play bass.

And the ache was, indeed, quelled by his time with the band, but not by the fame or attention it brought like Dew thought it would.

No, the relief came in the form of his fellow musicians, both those summoned and those that passed the auditions with him.

The Meliora ghouls were, for all intents and purposes, Dew’s first real family: Aether opened him to a vulnerability he’d never thought possible, even with himself; Zephyr taught him everything there was to know about the abbey, its secrets, and how to make it home; Mountain was a solid figure in his life, a tree to take shelter under when things became uncertain; Mist, though she was no longer a part of the band, was Dew’s mentor in both bass playing and how to be a water ghoul on the surface; Omega, likewise, was as close to a father figure as he ever had.

And then there was Ifrit. Ifrit, the fiery hearth that warmed him in body and soul. Ifrit, his heat and passion natural foil to all of Dew’s cold and disinterest. Ifrit, who knew exactly when to push Dew out of his comfort zone and when to reel back.

The two were instrumental to each other’s growth, with Ifrit the one to go head first into everything and Dewdrop being the one to slow down and think. Separately, sure, they were their own people, but together they made one better whole, bolstering each other’s strengths and balancing each other’s flaws.

And then, one day, it was all taken away.

One day, Terzo was dragged off stage without warning. One day, Imperator decided he would be of more use as a fire ghoul than water. One day, he was walked into the ritual chamber as a water ghoul for the last time, his pack waiting outside the room- not allowed in for fear of interference.

One day he woke up in the medical wing, burning all over, boiling hot from the inside out, and only found Aether and Mountain at his bedside, the both of them wearing looks that told him all he needed to know of the fates of the others.

(Just before the ritual, Ifrit had pulled him in a hug tight enough to press carbon into diamonds, hiding his worry with a smile. “It’ll be alright,” he promised, “when it’s all over and you feel better, I’ll teach you everything I know about being a fire ghoul. It’ll be fun, you’ll see!”)

(What he wouldn’t give to hold him close, him and all his family together, one last time. What he wouldn’t give to be that little water ghoul again, surrounded by love and joy he’d never known before.)

Nowadays, Dew does alright for himself. He runs much hotter than he ever had before, is a bit quicker to temper than he used to be, but his new pack doesn’t seem to mind- and lords below, does he love his new pack with everything he has.

But still, every year on the anniversary of his first pack’s death, he distanced himself from the rest. He grabs a spare blanket and Ifrit’s old acoustic guitar, walks out to the woods outside the ministry, keeps walking till he finds a clearing he and Ifrit shared with one another, a private place for the both of them to get away when things ever got too much.

Dew stops in the middle of the small glade, spreads the blanket out on the wild grass, sits down, takes out the guitar, and plucks out a tune his wildfire used to play him.

“Hello, goodbye, Twas nice to know you, how I find myself without you, that I’ll never know.”

“I let myself go.”

[hopeofhouse]

i finally finished dos2.... thoughts ft. drawings + choice playthrough phone notes (spoilers obv)

my godwoken was an elf witch named allegory. he ended up as a necromancer/hydrosophist combo. blood damage + healing was a fun mix! odd contrasts <3

his backstory, 2 me, is that he was lost in a marshland as a little kid, and tir-cendelius saw the chance to keep him isolated (seeing off any potential rescuers, magically expanding the marshes every time he tried to trek out and leading him in circles) + raise the perfect tiny loyal godwoken for when The Time was Right. he let him out when he was an elf teen. t-c should have kept him longer because if anything it just made him weirder when he got reintegrated into society a couple decades later. F

what if your god grew you in a petri dish to [major game spoilers, redacted]. but you were a capricious little know it all with a jester's soul. what then

gorry took sebille, fane and ifan with him because i thought he would assemble a team of hot emos if given chance. this paid off + i love them all dearly

i wasn't expecting the origin characters i didn't take with me after act 1 to UP AND DIE. but it actually added a really good set of stakes. responsibility for ur actions. lohse yelled at me for leaving her to her fate and i felt SO bad. sorry miss thing

LOVED the worldbuilding....i was super familiar with 5e before i played bg3 so i sort of knew what was coming most of the time but for divinity i had to LEARN. super fun. 100% recommend

also i thought bg3 went in on the body horror but divinity was Something Else.

^ and then larian said okay that was fun what if we do it again. and made bg3. anyway

i was hideously bad at combat for ages until i listened to all the people on reddit chanting 'put points in warfare' and then it was much much much more doable lol

ngl i actually very much prefer dos2 to bg3. i loved loved loved bg3 but after like 4 playthroughs during various patch stages it was such a relief to play a game that's actually completed and won't eat my laptop for breakfast!!! first two bg3 files i had i couldn't make it to the lower city because the optimization on mac was so diabolical that it wouldn't actually play until after patch 5. dos2 lets me also have photoshop on my computer. and files that aren't bg related. miraculous

but even ignoring technical issues: from a story and world standpoint dos2 felt way more expansive and inventive. campy but also harrowing in a way that bg3 just didn't hit for me. i also genuinely enjoy being given a zillion pieces of almost overwhelming info and then sorting it out so i am biased. may expand on this at a later point and not under a mile long read more. moving on

romanced fane bc i loved his voice acting and i thought the culturally cannibalistic elf/the one guy with no flesh to eat bit was funny. jokes on me i fell in DEEP. u canonically have disappointing sex because hes simply made of bones without nerves and afterwards he takes notes. he calls u dear heart offhandedly in act 1 like it's nothing then goes right back to being aloof. how many more times does he have to tell you? he has business in the blackpits. he spends the whole game having an increasingly worse time. he's a loser. it's all his fault. he got me. he got me good. god damn

my game glitched (?) and even tho he rejected sebille (sorry baby) her and allegory still made out right before the big final choice. no option not to. then he had the expected epilogue with fane. poly ending canon enough for me!

also the music was bonkers good and the audio direction in that one battle in the final act? mwah. and dallis' va knocked it out of the entire park.

last thing here's a gorry i drew when i was still back in act 1. 180 hours ago. titled on my phone as 'praying at every altar so i always come out on top'

anyway if u made it this far: thank u. go get divinity: original sin 2 when it's next on sale. wise wise wise choice of £6.99 <3

[specialagentartemis]

Grade a fanfic trope meme - soulmates because I feel like I know what the answer will be, but hard mode, is there any variation or twist on this trope that would make you grade it higher

For the fanfic trope ask game

[F] Hated these for a long time. I only ever saw one type: you have one, fated soulmate, and it is a romantic partner, and even when I liked the ship in question it sucked the fun out of everything. Both because of the idea that amatonormativity is a divine law of the universe which is an inherently horror concept to me played off as nice and cute, and that it was a contrived shortcut to get over the whole "actually building a relationship" part. Boo. Also, under the surface and never addressed, All Soulmate AUs Are Inherently Dubcon. You Do Not Get A Choice.

However,

[C] I turn out to be able to quite like variants where 1) you can and usually do have multiple soulmates, 2) it reflects all sorts of different important relationships in your life, not just One Romantic One, and crucially 3) the soulmate soulmarks are more reactive rather than predictive. React to the person you have become and the person they have become, meshing. Soulmates as compatibilistic time travel. Your soul recognizing itself across time and leaving a tangible mark on your body. We played with that in Wolf 359 a little, and in Murderbot fandom bringing the strong a-spec and self-determination themes of the series into it, in ways that make me go, I can see something interesting and compelling in this. I actually have half a fanfiction sitting in WIP drafts that was a conscious effort to grapple with my ambivalence with the trope, find a way to make it feel like something amorally natural rather than insidiously horrifying. (Part of it is having a character who hates the whole idea and rejects them rather than thinking soulmates are of course the Best Thing Ever! And another who comes from a culture who tattoo over soulmarks the moment they appear - each tattoo representing someone in your life who is/is going to be very important to you, but you don't feel deterministically compelled to Make It Happen.)

So deep down the twist to make me grade it higher is anthropological worldbuilding and Ted Chiang's time travel philosophy lol. Okay, if that's true, how does it affect the world and society? Who cares about shipping I'm here for WORLDBUILDING and METAPHYSICS

[ocheeva]

5 Favourite Characters Poll (Tag Game)

i was tagged by @pangzi @melodious-tear and @psychic-waffles ♥♥♥

picking characters was pretty easy actually, i know exactly who i love most. the only hard thing was picking between xiao hua, shen qingqiu, and himemiya anthy but i ended up going with my bestie ♥

Rules: make a poll with five of your all time favourite characters and then tag five people to do the same. See which character is everyone's favourite.

Tagging: @astrangedoor @lealdog @mishikaiya @jauffre & @margomadisons uwu

propaganda under the cut, not a formal part of the game but i love talking about these bitches!

commander shepard made me who i am and i'm not joking. i'm always a hoe for duty-bound characters and she is such a perfect example of what makes me love a character like that. she's also someone i roleplayed for years, i met some of my oldest friends & my soul sister because of her (thirteen years in august!) and when i need to stand up for myself or others with people i don't know i still model my approach on her, as well as a myriad other interactions (due to the autism it's easier to ask 'what would shepard do?' than to make something up). she means the WORLD to me!!

nie huaisang charmed me when a friend played a character based off him in a d&d oneshot and went on to become my favourite character in one of my favourite books. i'm deep into chinese literature and drama because of this little man. he was a gateway drug to SO many experiences, I've read ancient erotica and poetry because of him + gained a deeper understanding of chinese history and culture. and a bitch loves learning! but he's also just a character who gets to me in a really special way. he means things to me i can't even express. what a guy. god.

captain janeway came into my life when i was thirteen and star trek: voyager was on tv on some weeknight, and i was bewitched. my mother enjoyed it and i would sometimes join her, but after a while i barely could because janeway made me realise i was queer and i couldn't have those feelings when i felt unsafe and exposed. but, man, i never forgot her and i've rewatched voyager in its entirety twice as an adult. i'm overwhelmed every time. if she smiled at me and told me i'd be okay i actually believe i would. i love her. i've loved her for twenty-three years. loving her is such a core part of my personality it's ridiculous.

xie yuchen/xiao hua was mentioned to me when my didi and i talked about who i might get along with in the mess that is the dmbj franchise. among ridiculous claims, magnets that can affect time and your feelings, and snakes that can be used as video recorders thanks to their pheromones, he is a shining beacon of sensibility. he's been called 'competency porn made flesh' by more than one person for good reason. he's a big reason why i started watching terrible dramas and read terrible books but he makes every second SO worth it.

finally, estraven became a dear friend last july when i read tlhod. it was a slow read at first but around the halfway point i was suddenly rendered breathless; estraven as a character proved to be so much more than i expected. reading a single description of him by the main character brings tears to my eyes because he is so much. i'm crying a little just writing this! he's that same kind of duty-bound and loyal that makes me insane as shepard and janeway, and i'm so grateful he brought me across the gobrin ice. i left a piece of my heart there. i need to crochet a shawl dedicated to this book (and him) so i can wrap myself in my own feelings about it. the power of his nonbinary alien pussy is out of this world.

[noaccounting4taste]

Lutalo is Jack Johnson if he was a freak who lived in your walls. (Affectionate.) 

An indie rock musician from Vermont, Lutalo manages to capture something deeply unsettling about the current zeitgeist without doing anything overtly atypical. I’ll be focusing on his song “Call It In” from Once Now, Then Again because I am obsessed with it. Lutalo’s deep, detached-sounding vocals underscore stripped down, mostly acoustic instrumentals; the bass line is melodic and resonant, coming across as almost sarcastically playful in light of his listless lyrics.

Between the slightly childlike touches and a liminal, existential vibe, this song gives I-Spy book. The lyrics paint a portrait of a lonely boy in his room, alienated from the world, seeking comfort in small distractions that he ultimately knows are empty:

“A moment came where I got lost

Caught me playing simple games of toss

All alone in the void 

Taking pictures of my favorite toys.”

A sense of hopelessness pervades the song in light of people's uwillingness to change a destructive culture:

“The angels came and then they went

So convinced that we were hell bent

To burn it all, and say it’s too late

Maybe I should get some real estate”

There is a sense of guilt in this song for “calling it in;” you can tell that the speaker includes himself in his criticisms, mocking himself (and our culture as a whole) for the ways we distract ourselves and live detached from our true values and from one another:

“A man watched me through my little black screen

Holding voices that he’ll never see”

“Once Now, Then Again” is a no-skips album for me, but I’m glad I got to delve into “Call It In” as a song that hooked me from first listen and now, after deeper analysis… has enchanted me body and soul. Lutalo, come out of my walls, I want to make you tea!!

Fun fact: Adrianne Lenker is Lutalo’s cousin!

[scarlet--wiccan]

Tbh, I don't get the appeal of Marvel magic users being potential candidates for the Sorcerer Supreme title when many of these characters in question deal in different fields of magic that doesn't work in the same way as Sorcery: Which according to the Wiki requires to walk the 3 paths of ego-, eco- and exo-centric magic and if I recall: Illyana, Billy, Wanda, etc are never seen doing these kinds of things. And it's frustrating to see fans of them brag about it like some badge of honor. I feel like fans of Marvel Mystics, in general, don't have a deep thinking about what's interesting about it.

Yeah, unfortunately, I do sometimes see the whole Sorcerer Supreme thing get turned into a powerscale talking point-- people get caught up in which character can pull the highest rank, and where these positions fit into arbitrary hierarchies of power. To me, it's not a rewarding way to engage with comics, and it's not how most writers are actually approaching the material.

Nevertheless, the Sorcerer Supreme is an important position in the Marvel world, and it is fun to play with different characters filling that position in future timelines, alternate realities, and so forth-- and sometimes the politics and machinations around how the title is appointed can make for a good story, which I think is something MacKay accomplished during his run. But, yeah, I don't find it to be an important goal or aspiration for any of my favorite characters, because most of them already have their own stuff going on.

Just to be super clear, a lot of the characters in Doctor Strange titles practice similar forms of magic that are based around a particular cosmology which is endemic to the series, but-- and I could be wrong-- I don't think that "sorcery" itself is specific or exclusive, and it's not a requirement to be Sorcerer Supreme, either. By virtue of association, a lot of those motifs do get transferred to other characters when they adopt the title-- and there's something to be said for the fact that Doctor Strange sets the tone for all magic in the Marvel world, which has more to do with writers not being creative enough than anything else-- but a lot of those characters come from different magical and cultural backgrounds. I guess you could argue that "sorcery" specifically refers to the magic that was discovered and later taught by Agamotto and the Vishanti, but again, you absolutely don't need to come from that tradition to be Sorcerer Supreme.

Additionally, the laws of eco-, ego-, and exo-centricism apply to all forms of magic, not just "sorcery." These principles were discovered by Agamotto, but it's not exclusive. At the end of the day, this system really just describes where you source your magical power from-- yourself, your environment, or other dimensions/higher beings. Most mages and spellcasters use all three, in some capacity.

For example, if witchcraft is primarily governed by the Witchcraft goddess and the Witches' Road, then that's exocentric, but we also know that Wanda possesses innate spiritual powers, like magical sight and astral projection, so that's ego-centric-- and I would argue that, with how much emphasis is put on nature and the elements, there must be a degree of ecocentric magic as well. Illyana's Soul Sword is clearly a form of egocentric magic, and when she invokes the power of Limbo, that's exocentric. And I'm pretty sure she cast the Winds of Watoomb in a recent issue.