#something i worry about literally constantly. but this hurts. it’s devastating and i feel betrayed even though im so happy for her and she d

[pepprs]

i like uh. literally cannot believe what is happening is still happening btw.pain and suffering (update omg i hit tag limit CRINGE but i think i was done anyway lol)

[duskamethyst]

make it right.

a/n: i was on a writing high. i initially hated this so much but ended up with 12 pages long.

word count: 5.1k

genre: mature, smut, nsfw, angst to fluff

warnings: mentions of abortion, pregnancy

pairing: hawks x f!reader

𝅘𝅥𝅮  music rec: the reason by hoobastank  𝅘𝅥𝅮

summary: you told keigo that you’re carrying his child but he didn’t take it well. five years later he shows up in front of your door after being invited by his son and says he wants to fix everything.

you lean down towards the counter as you concentrate on creating pretty swirls of cream on the cake you baked with a piping bag. the dining table is full of food, a feast almost too huge for only two people, but you have a good excuse. it is a special day. your son’s fifth birthday to be exact. 

kids these days can be ruthless and your son doesn’t get along very well with the other kids from his kindergarten. they like picking on others that seem too fragile, too quiet – criteria that fits him well and it doesn’t help with the fact that they know he’s growing up without a father. your child never opened up to you about the constant mocking he faced until one day you overheard him sobbing through his pillow in his own room. it was dark, though the door was still open by an inch to allow a small amount of light to penetrate into the room whenever he slept. he said he wanted to sleep earlier because he was tired but the muffling sounds he tried to conceal betrayed his efforts when you passed by later that night.

it made you angry and disappointed in yourself. you really tried your best to juggle between being a mom and a dad at the same time, keeping an eye on your child and working your ass off to make a living for the two of you. you’d always put up a tough front, never broke down in front of him when you were dead tired from being overworked and the thought of him trying to not make you worry, shattered your heart into pieces. you know that all he deserves is a good life and you constantly blame yourself for not being good enough, mostly angry at your past self for not even knowing how to make good decisions and think things through. 

if only you could turn back time, you would tell yourself to never get involved with a pro hero – to never get involved with someone who feels so responsible for other strangers’ lives but not their own child’s. 

were you being selfish? for not understanding that his work always comes first? he can’t possibly have a family when he has villains out there that need to be put in their right place for their crimes. were you expecting too much from him?

“can’t you… get rid of it?” he muttered. his cold words felt like a sharp blade that just stabbed you in the heart. never once you thought that he would say that. how easy was it for him to ask you to throw out another life like it meant nothing? 

“keigo, you can’t be serious.” you shook your head, your legs were already wobbling and you felt sick to your stomach. this news should be happy for the both of you but unfortunately, you two weren’t on the same page. 

was it your fault? keigo never spoke about having a child together but he always said he’d love to build a family with you someday – he loved you, he would always protect you and be there for you. sure, it was a slip up this time. you always made sure to take proper measures to avoid pregnancy from happening but you were also more than glad to bear this child and you were convinced that keigo would be happy about it as much as you were. he loved you so much, after all. 

“i don’t think…” he stammered, trying to find the right words. “give me some time.”

your lips pursed into a thin line, hands clenching hard and knuckles turning white. think? the uncertainty in his voice was already giving you the obvious answer. he couldn’t even look you in the eyes. he never wanted this.

“save the trouble, keigo.” you spat. “how about i’ll just leave so you don’t even have to think at all?”

keigo finally lifted up his head to look at you with wavering eyes, but he still couldn’t find the words to say, to comfort you. “what are you saying?”

“i’m still going to have this child. even if it means i have to do it alone.” with a sharp breath, you turned around towards the door.

you heard a frustrating sigh coming from your back, “you know i can’t. you know damn well that i have my job as a hero and i can’t look after… after a child!”

“but it’s your child keigo!” you turned around to scream and look at him again, tears already welling in your eyes, threatening to pour out.

“and what difference does that make?!” he yelled back. “in fact, that’s even worse!”

the room was quiet as the both of you just stood there. keigo slowly realizing what just came out of his mouth in the heat of the moment while you just stared at him in disbelief. both were standing stunned and speechless from what he clearly said. that was it, you thought. 

“fuck you.” you cursed under your breath and immediately left his place, not even sparing a look back. 

if he was sorry, he would chase after you. if he didn’t mean it, he would look everywhere for you.

but none of that happened.

you ended up going back to your hometown after that. it was shameful, to finally see your parents again but just to cry on their feet as soon as you saw their faces and telling them that you were carrying an illegitimate child. it was devastating for them initially but thankfully they easily accepted it, welcoming you to stay over at their place with open arms so they could help you throughout your pregnancy until the baby was born and grown. above all, you were still their daughter. living far away, your parents had never met keigo and they were shocked to know that you were having the no.2 pro hero’s baby but also disappointed at how he reacted when you told him the news.

however, what was done is done and you can only manage to move forward by raising the child with your utmost capability. you promised yourself that you’ll protect and raise this child with as much love and care a mother can offer. whatever it takes, even if you’ll have to do it by yourself. 

you ended up living with your parents until your son turned four and decided to live independently, not wanting to burden them any longer. they didn’t want to let you go, the presence of the child brought so much joy in their daily lives. he was a bundle of sunshine and they loved him so much. 

and kyō is just beautiful. 

keigo’s genes manage to overpower your son compared to yours. fluffy but shorter blonde hair, dark and sharp on the inner corner of the eyes and not to forget the red wings on his back. it isn’t as big as keigo’s yet but it still stands out. although he takes on your personality more, every part of him reminds you of keigo and sometimes it feels like a jab to your chest. it hurts to be reminded of the man that hurt you and told you to get rid of the child you were bearing so ruthlessly.

throughout the years, you tried to make peace with the past. at first, it was hard to look at the news and see his face. he was almost everywhere, a lot of stores also sold his merchandise and his face even covered the magazines-- you realized you couldn’t escape him, your past. although he’s in the limelight, the media was still unaware about his private life and you were glad alas the similar features of kyō to the pro hero made some passersby and mothers at the park question you. fortunately, you already came up with a bullshit excuse like “he is such a big fan of hawks and he cosplays him every day… and oh, the wings are fake too.”

of course, strangers weren’t the only ones who inquired about it. even the little child himself could smartly notice his resemblance with the pro hero.

as soon as he first saw hawks on tv, he went on and on about how they looked so much alike. he was beyond fascinated, he could barely understand what the news was talking about at the time but being on the screen was more than enough to make him understand that hawks was an amazing guy. his eyes would twinkle in wonder when the news caught footage of him flying in the air with his red wings spreading graciously. if anything at all, kyō just couldn’t wait to flap his own smaller wings soon. 

then one thing led to another. a question that any curious child would ask their parents about. 

oftentimes kyō would ask you about his dad. why didn’t he have one like the other children he played with at the park and oftentimes you would try to avoid the topic and shrugged it off with a lame joke saying how you were also his dad and how you were powerful to have two bodies in one unlike other people. 

he ended up growing tired of it one day, crying to you and asked if the reason why he didn’t have one was because he didn’t love him – something he heard one of the kids said. it broke you and you were lost for words. you called your parents for support and after much discussion, your mother thought he deserved to at least know the truth and you did just that. 

luckily, he took it surprisingly well. even his little brain can comprehend the job of a top hero, he understood that it was a lot of work and keigo was often busy and far away. it was less to his liking when you made him promise you to not tell anyone about it and he should keep it as a secret because bad guys would chase after him if another single soul would know and his dad did it to protect him. it was a bad lie, but still, you had to do it.

later, kyō realized that his birthday was coming soon. he knew what he had always wanted. he didn’t know if he could have it but maybe… maybe if he tried and wished hard enough, it would come true. 

he sneakily took your phone to look up “hawks'' on your phone, though at first he was only shown results and pictures of the literal bird before smartly adding “pro hero” at the back. with limited comprehension, he eventually managed to find the agency’s website before scrolling further to find the address to the agency and scribbled it down on a piece of paper. 

-

“daddy?!” the bell has been ringing for a few times but you were too concentrated on decorating the birthday cake to even hear it but your son’s small wings flutter in excitement as he runs across the hallway to open the door.

your heart stops for a second. was that the reason why your son was pacing around the living room? you’re not expecting any guests for tonight’s dinner at all, especially the father of your child. 

“hey! i got your letter!” the familiar excited tone of his voice bursts from the door as he speaks. he kneels down eye-level as his son and gives him a big hug. “happy birthday.”

“what letter?” you break into the conversation, arms folded in front of your chest as you lean against the wall with an unamused expression written across your face. 

“i wrote daddy a letter!” your son says proudly, but you can already imagine the horrible squiggly lines on the handwritten letter. 

“and you gave me a picture too. you look exactly like me, am so happy!” keigo chuckles, ruffling the hair of his boy, eliciting little giggles from the other. it’s a beautiful sight and it makes your heart ache a little at the image of what it could’ve been. if only he was fully ready to accept the fact that he was gonna bear a child. if only he knew how to balance between his career and personal life. you could’ve had the most beautiful family you’ve ever dreamed of. 

“honey, can you go to your room for a bit? your daddy and i have to talk.” you say softly, hoping that he won’t take it any other way.

“am i.. in trouble?” kyō turns to you with a frown and puppy eyes – which he knows well that it would always work on you and it’s almost adorable how it’s exactly what keigo would do whenever he makes you annoyed with his antics. it’s just one of his ways to apologize to you. 

you sigh and shake your head, “no. we’re gonna talk about…” you glance elsewhere as you think of an excuse. “your surprise present!” 

“it’s not a surprise anymore if you say it like that, mommy!” the child laughs and scurries to his room as told and the both of you watch him with a smile tugged on your lips. 

you turn back to keigo with a dour expression as soon as your son closes the door to his room, causing him to fidget a bit from his spot. he hasn’t seen it for years, after all. he’s about to pull you into a hug but instead, you quickly turn your heels around towards the kitchen.

“i still have things to do. either you help me with it or leave.”

he quickly takes off his shoes and follows you, taking in the view around the house before he enters the kitchen. the atmosphere is stuffy and tense while you sit on the stool to continue decorating the cake. 

“you can help by setting up the plates. top cabinet.” you break the awkward silence and keigo obliges, he reaches the cabinet to take out the available plates and put them nicely around the table. 

“you made it yourself?” he tries to make a conversation as he glances at you working on the cake. 

“yeah.” you simply reply without taking your eyes off from your work. 

“it’s nice. chocolate?”

“obviously.”

keigo sighs from the underwhelming response, “i know you don’t want me here but –”

“no shit.” you almost slam the table but quickly recompose yourself by taking a deep breath. for the sake of your son, you know you shouldn’t get into an argument right now, at least not today. 

“look, i’ll leave as soon as this is over if that’s what you want.”

you glare at him, “it’s more than what i want right now,” then it’s your turn to sigh. “but i doubt that’s what kyō would want.” 

keigo already knows his name from the letter but his lips etch into a warm smile at the sound of the name you’ve given to the-- his child and a small part of him wishes that he was there in the process of choosing a name for the boy together with you. 

“okay, just for tonight. we’ll pretend like we’re a happy family.” you stand up from the stool after putting the last candle and set the cake in the middle of the table. 

“...and what if we don’t have to?” he blurts out after a brief and quiet moment, immediately catching your attention. he notices the puzzled look on your face and continues, “what if we really start being a happy family from now and onwards?”

you blink once, twice. for a second, you feel a heavy pang in your chest as your brain processes the words that just came out from his mouth. it’s like déjà vu, only this time keigo has certainty in his voice.

the room falls dead silent again as you stare at each other. you’re finding words and about to open your mouth to say something but kyō suddenly interrupts from the corner of the kitchen and both of your attentions quickly turn to him.

“mommy..? i’m hungry.” 

“oh, sweetheart. you’re just in time!” you walk up to kyō to carry him in your arms before bringing him to the dining table. his eyes sparkle at the variety of food spread across the table and his wings flutter in excitement. 

“can you help light up the candles? the lighter is in the drawer.” you usher to keigo as you show your son his favorite food you made earlier while keigo quickly rummages through the drawer. he lights up each candle as you put down kyō on one of the chairs before he stands on his knees to reach close enough to blow the candles. the both of you excitedly sing happy birthday and clap your hands as he blows off the candles after a brief moment for a wish. 

“what did you wish for?” keigo asks, affectionately patting kyō on the head.

“i wish to be a hero like daddy!” he exclaims, arms and wings spread in enthusiasm. a bittersweet feeling engulfs him-- a part of him is disappointed and ashamed of himself while another part of him is elated and relieved that he’s still looked up upon by his own child. in the corner of his heart, keigo thinks he doesn’t deserve it. kyō is a splitting image of himself (minus the color of his eyes that he takes after you) and it easily brings back visions of him from the past. he wanted to be a hero too, but his father wasn’t someone he could look up to. hence, making endeavor the only man he idolized. 

he realizes he is lucky enough to be the person his son looks up to. he knows that this was what his own younger self would want. a father he can be proud of, a hero at that. keigo wants to make it right with whatever it’ll take.

the night proceeds smoothly, all three of you have fun together like any normal family would and bonding over lost times. keigo is thoughtful (though his choice seems a little bit conceited) enough to give kyō a present; an action figure of himself. unknowingly, the walls that you built around you by the time keigo arrived earlier slowly crumbles and you grow less wary around him as time ticks by. when it’s bedtime for the boy, keigo insists on putting him to bed so he can spend more time with him which you gladly consented to so you can also continue cleaning up the kitchen.

a set of footsteps coming down the stairs can be heard as you’re seated on one of the stools while sipping tea. 

“want some tea?” you offer without turning around to look at the male.

“sure.” he says as he walks up to you. 

you can feel his tall and lean build ghosting you from the back as you pour a cup for him but his hands suddenly reach your shoulders and give them light squeezes. 

“what are you doing?” you ask quizzically, glancing at the hand on your shoulder.

“giving you a massage.” he smiles innocently as he continues pressing on the knot in your stiff shoulders, making you sigh in reflex.

“trying to get on my good side?” you say in a mocking tone.

“hmm, just showing my appreciation to you.” his hands move lower to your spine, your back arches a little as he presses down your aching muscles. 

“you’re five years too late, keigo.” you sneer but welcome his service as you close your eyes and hum in content. it’s not that bad, you assure yourself in your head. 

keigo diligently continues to massage your back as the kitchen now fills with your quiet sighs and whimpers whenever he rubs on the sore spot. without you realizing, he slyly pulls the collar of your baggy shirt down and plants soft kisses on your bare shoulder.

“k-keigo?” you immediately open your eyes and flinch at the sudden touch.

he remains quiet while his hands work up and down your arms gently and his lips move further up to your earlobe, sending tingling sensations down to your core and you can already feel your nipples harden underneath your shirt. 

“relax.” his hot breath fans over your ear as he whispers. your cheeks are already burning red and you’re out of sarcastic remarks as you can only find yourself to indulge into his touches. 

you gasp in surprise when keigo’s hands sneakily move under your shirt and quickly unsnaps your bra. he massages your breasts and kneads them gently before teasing your erect nipple between his fingers. your hands firmly clenches the edge of the island to hold yourself as he nips on the crook of your neck, just gently to carefully not leave a mark. 

“you want more, babybird?” he coos as he realizes that your thighs are pressing against each other. as much as you hate to admit it, the nostalgic pet name tugs on your heartstrings and you find yourself melting after hearing it after years again. 

feeling embarrassed, you quietly nod your head. 

“i can’t hear you.” a teasing tone lingers in his voice. he knows what he’s doing and you hate him for it.

“more, keigo...” you whine. it sounds so innocent and adorable but it absolutely makes his cock twitch. noticing that you’ve been avoiding looking at him the whole time, he uses one of his hands to make you look at him and grins when he catches the red tint spread across your face before he presses his lips onto yours. 

the traces of your ego make you hesitate at first but you’re quick to lose it as he deepens it, as if to send you a silent message of how much he misses you while his tongue intertwines with yours. 

one of his hands remains to massage your mound while the other travels down south to easily part your legs and cups your heated sex. keigo rubs the clit against the fabric of your pants, eliciting breathy moans from your lips between kisses. you pull away and lean back to his body as he slides his hand under your pants, feeling the wet patch that is already staining your underwear. 

“already wet from all of that?” he says playfully, taking out his hand to look at the damp juices as he rubs it between his fingers. 

“says the man that was grinding his cock on my back.” you roll your eyes halfheartedly, missing the faint blush that becomes apparent on his cheeks.

keigo then reaches for the cups in front of you and pushes them aside before lifting you up on the kitchen island, making you turn towards him. he swiftly pulls down your pants along with your underwear, your cunt bare and glistening under the lights for him to see.

his golden irises lock with yours as he kicks the stool to the side and crouches down to spread your thighs apart. he starts to lap off your juices, tongue alternating between your throbbing clit and hole. your elbows help to prop you up as your head hangs back and your eyes close in pure bliss. 

keigo smacks and clenches your thighs to draw your attention to him, “baby, look at me.”

you submissively lift your head to look at him, eyes locking with each other again as he watches you squirm on the tongue flicking your clit and eats you out like a starved man having his first meal after a long day. 

you grab a lock of his blonde hair in one hand, pushing him closer as your legs tremble around his head, feeling the bubbling sensation of your orgasm building up. 

“mmh – gonna cum!” you cry out in ecstasy, instantly forgetting the people next door and your son that’s sound asleep on the upper floor as you chase after your high.

keigo smoothly slides two fingers inside your pussy and your hips begin to grind desperately onto them. he knows you’re close when he feels the walls clenching around him and with another suck on the clit, he quickly gets to tip you over the edge. 

“so good for me.” he coos as he pulls away, licking his fingers clean before carrying your panting body in his arms and walks over to sprawl your body on the couch. he hovers on top of you and kisses you again while his hands work on unzipping and taking off his lower garments to free his throbbing cock. 

he smears the precum by pumping his cock as he watches you down, adoring the look of absolute bliss on your face and half lidded eyes that he longed for over the years. 

“my songbird,” he purrs as he leans down to you and lines his cock with your wet cunt, “you’re so beautiful.”

if you’re already red, the endearing pet name makes you even redder. your gaze avoids his to hide your embarrassment but he only draws it back gently by your chin with his thumb and finger. 

“don’t you miss me?” his brows furrowed as he searches your face. you can only stare back into his eyes – bright irises filled with nothing but genuine curiosity and desolation. 

your lips pull into a thin line as you ponder for a moment, promptly unable to vocalize like earlier. it’s as if you let even one word escape your mouth, it would make you burst into tears instead. of course you missed him. your mind often wondered if he even thought of you at least once. even when you did make peace with the past, you still couldn’t bring yourself to be the one to make the first step. ego is an ugly thing and you were certain that keigo should be the one to look for you even if it was hard for him since you just disappeared out of his life.

noticing the reluctance to give him an answer, he shushes you. “it’s okay.” he kisses you sweetly on your nose. “but let me show how much i’ve missed you.”

he trails open mouthed kisses down your jaw, neck and collarbone as your hands run through his hair and down to his back. a soft whine manages to escape from your mouth when he nibbles on the soft flesh of your neck, instantly marking it red this time. 

his mouth then latches onto your nipple through your shirt, making you squirm beneath him. your hands clenches to the fabric of his shirt when you feel his fingers teasingly dancing between your wet folds and his thumb ghosting over your clit. 

keigo gives you a kiss on the lips again before pulling away, the cushion dips as he props himself on the knees, rubbing his hard cock against your wet slits and smearing it with your juices.

a low hiss slips from his lips as he slowly prods in the tip of his cock and your expression twists into discomfort as you feel him stretch you out more – a familiar mixture of pain and pleasure that you haven’t felt for a while.

keigo waits for you to adjust and as soon as you give him the greenlight, he continues to completely balls deep inside you. 

“babybird, you feel so good.” he grunts as he bucks his hips and slowly starts to move. 

you bite your lower lip hard, enough to draw blood as you try to stifle your moans. keigo leans down to kiss you while your arms find themselves wrapping around his neck. he thrusts harder and faster and your whimpers and whines finally find themselves shamelessly slipping past from your mouth.

“fucking– hah– perfect.” he pants as he pulls away to look at your flustered face, eyes half closed and mouth agape with pleasure. 

you quickly bury your face on the crook of his neck and hold onto him tighter while your legs wrap securely around his waist. keigo moves his thumb on your clit, pressing down and rubbing circles all to entice nothing but tightening the coil down in your core more. 

“keigo, keigo –” you cry as your nails dig the fabric on his back and your toes curl to the intense sensation.

“baby wants to cum?” he growls as he feels your walls clamping around his cock, making him buck his hips even wilder. 

“yesyesyes – oh god, keigo!” your mind turns putty and unable to form any more coherent words, making only his name being the only thing you remember as your eyes close shut while you’re nearing your high. 

“that’s it – baby. cum on my cock.” he encourages and you do just that. your pussy flutters as you finally reach your orgasm but his sporadic thrusts doesn’t stop until it starts to falter and his wings tremble.

“fuck. i’m gonna fill you up.” he grits through his teeth and his cock twitches before his wings spread wider as he releases his warm cum inside you. 

the both of your bodies stay against each other, chests heaving for air before he briefly pulls out his cock and lays on top of your chest. 

“yes.” your voice suddenly croaks, breaking the almost silent air in the room if not for the sound of yours and his breathing.

keigo lifts up his head to look at you confusingly before a lopsided smile curls on his lips when he hears you utter the next few words.

“yes. i missed you and i don’t want to pretend anymore.” you suddenly feel overwhelmed and tears start to well in your eyes. a flash of panic crosses his face and he pulls you closer into his embrace, hoping to calm you down as you sniffle on his chest. 

“shh, baby. i’m sorry. i know it’s too late and i was so fucking stupid but i’ll – ”

“i want to live as a happy family with you, keigo.” you cut him off, sobbing through his shirt. he pulls away at once to look at you, unable to believe what he just heard through the choking sob but it still makes even him want to cry. 

“babybird, i – ” he’s completely tongue-tied. at this point he can only manage to lean down to be close to you again. he peppers kisses all over your face, saying how thankful and happy he is.

“i love you, my little bird. i won’t fuck up this time, i promise.” he whispers, finally regaining his composure.

that night, keigo could barely sleep a wink. so many thoughts are running through his head. he glances at you sleeping peacefully next to him on the bed and he already pictures how it is to be waking up to see your face every morning. he also hopes that kyō doesn’t know how to fly yet so he could teach him how to use his wings. oh, he’ll also get to find an excuse to buy more buckets of chickens once you three will start living together. 

he can already imagine how the headlines will be bombarded about him having a family and he sighs at the thought, but he hopes that his publicist is ready for a hell lot of work.

duskamethyst © 2020 • do not modify, translate or repost anywhere.

[miraculouscontent]

where do i even begin

The focus in this episode is all over the place and also on none of the right things.

Let’s just start with the obvious: they didn’t even bother showing Alya's reaction to Marinette being Ladybug. We got nothing. Marinette revealing her identity to Alya is supposed to be a big deal, but the episode brushes it under the rug and even seems to lowkey blame Marinette for not telling Alya sooner, to the point where it outright lies and has Alya claim that Marinette’s secret was responsible for all of Alya’s Lady Wifi appearances.

It’s not like I’m surprised anymore when the show blames Marinette for like--anything, but the fact that this season seems to brag about its continuity by being on a firm timeline and then keeps going against continuity is really irritating.

And speaking of continuity, the Adrien pictures are back on the wall with absolutely no reason given. Narratively speaking, the show put them there so Alya would see them and think of bringing up Adrien to get Marinette to take a break, but the show can’t just do that if it wants to imply that it has continuity. Worse still is that this is the episode featuring “Charm Bug” (does her form have a name? I just call it Charm Bug and continue to do so), meaning that “Gang of Secrets” (where there were no Adrien pictures) has to take place before this and “Furious Fu” (where there are also no Adrien pictures) has to take place after.

At this point, they might as well just confirm that “destiny” is a real force and the ladybug miraculous is messing with Marinette’s room and twisting her emotions to make the love square endgame because--yeah, that’s all it is at this point.

The other thing is that Alya shoos Marinette away from her guardian duties so Marinette can go comfort Kagami (let’s be honest, the best part of the episode was Alya being like, “but what about Adrien?” and Marinette was basically like, “what about Adrien?”), which sounds great, but then it all goes back to Adrien, because of course it does.

Not only that, but the episode mocks Marinette for worrying about Kagami. Not only does Alya doubt Marinette’s concern, but Kagami isn’t at all affected by the break-up and isn’t even touched by Marinette’s worry.

The thing is, I get where Marinette’s coming from, because this is the Kagami who told Ladybug in “Heart Hunter” that she (Kagami) and Adrien were perfect for each other to the point where Kagami prioritized her potentially getting together with Adrien over her friendship with Marinette. Also keep in mind that Marinette is Kagami’s only friend, and it makes total sense that Marinette would expect Kagami to be devastated by the break-up.

But because it’s Miraculous, the show makes Marinette look like an idiot for being concerned for Kagami, as if saying, “Silly Marinette! Kagami’s not like you! Kagami is a strong independent woman!! You’re just so over-emotional and you were ridiculous for being sad about your own break-up! You should be more like her!”

I also don’t like it because it presents Kagami as this character who really does feel nothing due to the show not letting her. She was angry at Adrien, obviously, but she was also immensely upset and it made sense when she put so much effort in trying to get him to return her affections.

Buuuut no. Kagami is just annoyed by Marinette’s efforts to try and get her back together with Adrien (it’s not that her anger isn’t warranted, but that’s all they let her feel instead of any genuine sadness over the break-up).

And of course, there’s no mention about Marinette literally trying to help get Kagami back together with Adrien and how selfless that is on Marinette’s part. Obviously I don’t agree with Marinette disregarding Kagami’s feelings (I do hate though how the episode refused to have Kagami explain why Adrien upset her, which would help Marinette understand because she seems to think there’s a misunderstanding/Kagami doubting herself), but the episode refuses to acknowledge Marinette’s good intentions because it’s Marinette and because she’s supporting Adrimi and not the love square, so they’ll make her look as bad as possible. This led to the fandom talking about Marinette and her oBsEsSiOn with Adrien instead of saying UM HI YEAH MARINETTE IS DOING A “HEART HUNTER” 2.0??

(The show also does this consistently, by the way.)

Another thing the show won’t acknowledge is that what Marinette does with Kagami is extremely similar to what Alya does with Marinette. Alya has ignored Marinette’s agency, physically pushed her towards Adrien, and locked her in a room with Adrien no matter how many times Marinette has told her no and that she doesn’t want that.

But because it’s Marinette and because what she’s shipping is Adrimi (i.e: a ship that interferes with the love square), the episode absolutely tears her apart for it. If Alya’s meddling was treated the same way - where she’d be constantly put in the wrong and punished for it - I wouldn’t say a word about this, but we know that’s not the case from “Reflekdoll” (where Reflekta targeted Marinette and Rose of all people) and “The Puppeteer 2″ (hey, remember when Alya did all of that and then it was the museum staff who did nothing wrong who got the worst of Puppeteer’s wrath?).

And this isn’t even taking into consideration that, once again, Marinette has learned something from someone else because they were never called out or punished or learned (originally being Adrien/Bustier where she “learned” to trust Chloe and see where that got her???), and then she’s the one who gets the heat for it.

Might I also add how insulting it is that the episode before this had Marinette saying that she “didn’t want to focus on love,” and then immediately afterwards, Alya is pushing for Adrienette and the episode itself won’t let anyone shut up about Adrien?

Like, this is the episode where Marinette does guardian stuff, gets an upgrade in Charm Bug, and yet the episode hyperfocuses on Aaaaaadrien. He doesn’t even do anything; he’s just a black hole that inhales all available attention and magically pulls all the characters towards his general location.

Then the episode keeps breaking its own continuity as an excuse to make things more about Adrien and also more about the love square, like saying that Marinette carries her disguises everywhere when it’s really just an excuse for Marinette to conveniently have the umbrella so that they can recreate the umbrella scene (by the way, the line from Marinette about “recreating Kagami’s moment where she fell in love with Adrien” is both incredibly forced and incredibly obvious because we’ve never even seen how Kagami fell for Adrien).

And when you already know how the show goes, it all becomes so predictable, which is a huge problem. By the time you hear Marinette say that she “didn’t want to focus on love” last episode, you already know what’s going happen. This episode reaffirms Marinette’s crush on Adrien, which is weird because it’s not as if there was ever any doubt in the first place? The show didn’t even try to convince its audience that Marinette was actually trying to move on, which gives the scene no impact when it happens. We already know that Marinette isn’t really in denial (she’s not stupid) and is very likely saying that she’s not in love with Adrien because admitting it hasn’t gotten her anywhere and she’s repeating something to herself is an attempt to make it true (which is a common coping mechanism for people with self-esteem issues/anxiety), so the scene is just for shipping fuel.

We’ve seen future episodes that show that Marinette hasn’t made any actual progress, hence being another piece of evidence towards my theory that the show does it on purpose to get the Adrienette fans to freak out when anything happens even if it’s reversed in the end. It’s particularly frustrating because it denies Marinette of agency yet again, with her saying something and the show then going lol okay but what if--

It’s gross, and made more so by Kagami watching Marinette and Adrien from a distance and saying that they’re “made for each other.” I’ve talked many times before about how the show is too lazy to have actual chemistry between the love square so they’ll just have characters say that they’re meant to beeeeee, so I won’t go into that, but really, actually think about what Kagami’s saying here.

This is the guy that, in her eyes, abandoned her repeatedly on dates and lied in order to get away from her. She stated outright that Adrien had disappointed her to the point where all of her feelings for Adrien seemed to have completely disappeared and she didn’t even want to be friends with him anymore (at least for now).

Yet, the show had Kagami not only say that line, but told Marinette directly that Adrien was perfect for her. This means either one of two things, neither being good:

- the show intentionally had Marinette do all this so that Kagami would feel embarrassed for Adrien and thus fix all of Adrimi’s relationship problems without Adrien having to do any work to earn her trust back (notice how Adrien in this episode is an “extra good boy” this time around, probably even more than they usually try - keyword: try - to portray him)

- Kagami’s opinion on Adrien hasn’t changed at all and she’s essentially saying that Marinette belongs with this guy who has hurt Kagami, betrayed her trust, and will probably do the same to Marinette

And obviously the show doesn’t think about any of that. It just wants to push for the love square. The only reason there was any focus on Kagami at all was to have a reason to get Marinette to go to Kagami, for Kagami to get angry at Marinette because - as we all know - Marinette “has to mess up and learn in every episode,” so there’d be a reason to go to where Adrien was, and so Kagami could become the next local shipper for the love square.

Marinette didn’t even get to figure out the magical charms by herself; Rena Rouge gave her the answer. It was like the show saw her doing guardian work and shoved her out the door because the only thing she’s good for is being part of the love square. Alya gets seconds of time shown with her looking over the grimoire to figure out the trick, which makes the whole thing underwhelming and rushed when Rena comes up and tells Ladybug that it’s essentially “just been about her” the whole time, meaning it’s just the show yet again being like “see, Marinette? If you’d just figured this out bEfORe...” (note that the episode never tells Marinette that she’s unnecessarily guilting/blaming herself)

But yeah, despite the episode not giving Adrien anything to do, characters talk about him constantly, Marinette somehow doesn’t get the spotlight she needs despite getting a power-up form, and the episode feels the need to constantly railroad Marinette exactly where it wanted to go, not for her, but for the love square, which has always been about not her. It’s already bad when the episode itself is bad, but when it has so much to throw in and delivers on absolutely none of it, it just makes it all the more painful.

[iron--spider]

I woke up at 3am yesterday to watch The Devil All the Time and I’ve been thinking about it since. I’m gonna put my thoughts and feelings and a review of sorts behind the cut, because I am gonna talk about it freely, so there will be spoilers! So don’t click if you don’t wanna see. I’ll also be discussing the content of the film and I know that might bother people, so that stuff is in here, too! And it’ll be really long because you know I can’t shut up.

So, I loved it. I loved it loved it loved it. I read the book a long time ago when I first found out Tom was gonna be in it, and the only problem I had with the book was that the POVs would change in the middle of a paragraph lmao, but other than that I thought it was pretty perfect. I knew the movie was gonna be pretty brutal, because the book is brutal, so I was prepared.

-BUT I think the critics HIGHLY HIGHLY exaggerated how bad the content was. Like, seriously, they acted as if this was gonna be a Saw movie. I was preparing for blatant, horrific gore, but it didn’t live up to their dramatics at all. There’s blood and nasty situations, but every single episode of Game of Thrones is worse than this movie, as are most episodes of any crime drama on a paid network. I actually thought they were super, super tactful of all their horrific shit. The dog death was off screen and the shot of the body (described by the critics as literally traumatic) was so quick (enough to shut your eyes) and in the dark. I also argue that particular moment is extremely important for Arvin’s journey, because it’s the moment he truly turns on his father and turns on religion entirely, and he carries it with him his whole life (it’s what he flashes back to when he says “I know what my daddy did” because it’s the marker of all Willard’s mistakes) and it winds up being one of the last things he does before he leaves everything behind. Burying Jack’s bones. So, like, I despise dog death or any animal death in my entertainment, but it’s important here and handled well. And all the worst death scenes are either extremely fast (Helen’s and Gary Matthew’s) or shown in negative (all the photos). I think Bodecker’s headshot with Bobo is probably the worst and is also pretty quick. I don’t know if this means I’m a jaded bitch, but God the way they were all whining and crying, I thought it’d be a million times worse. It could have been, with the book’s descriptions, so it was actually pretty tame. Lenora’s death affected me the most and they cut away from that, too. I guess it’ll still bother some people, but there are many, many mainstream things that are far more violent and gory than this was.

-I thought it was a beautiful movie. I never mind films that are slightly slower but I love ones that use their time to lay things out and really show us what’s going on, build the ambiance and the relationships. I loved the narration (which I was worried about), and it really made me feel like we were visiting a moment in time that was important. Like something that was written and should be learned about. Rumors in a town you’re passing through. The ghosts of past trauma and transgressions looming over everyone that’s left.

-I liked the changes they made with Roy and Theodore because I thought that storyline kinda meandered in the book and I’m glad that Roy was actually gone the whole time and not just neglecting to come back to Lenora.

-The only real complaints I can make, I’ll get out of the way here: I wanted a little bit more time with Carl and Sandy. Carl was really creepy, but he could have been much creepier. In the book he was the one looking at the pictures constantly, Not Sandy, and that really showed that he was the one with the sickness, the one pushing them forward and orchestrating it all. I thought they did well with showing how Sandy deteriorated in her efforts with him through the years, but I would have liked to see a bit more of their personal lives together and her fear of him and her genuine feelings about what they’re doing, because the book goes into that a lot more. I also wasn’t a fan of Lee finding the picture early and knowing some about what they were doing, because I liked how it was a surprise to him in the book and yet he still did all he could to cover it up. And lastly, in the book there’s a scene with Arvin after he kills Sandy and Carl where he’s in a motel and he takes like 18 showers because he can’t get the grime of what he’s done off of him, and he looks at the picture and has a nightmare about killing Sandy, and I really would have loved if they’d kept it in. It would have been another ‘acting’ moment for Tom, and it would have been nice for us to see his direct trauma and reaction to everything that’s piling on top of him.

-BUT that’s it. I loved pretty much every single other thing and decision that they made. The cinematography was TOP NOTCH. You could tell they filmed on 35mm film, you could see the grain, and it really, really added to it. Antonio Campos is a very skilled director and I trusted him at the helm of this story. Everything looked so authentic, all the sets and the costumes. The soundtrack and score were AMAZING and enhanced the film. Technically it was just perfect in every regard to me.

-Acting! Acting! God this was like...a massive testament to the casting department and the talent of these people. Everyone was on their A game. Bill Skarsgård has been on my radar since Castle Rock (which I recommend to everybody, both seasons) and he was so natural and great in this role. Haley Bennet was absolutely adorable as Charlotte, I loved her cute face and her sweet relationship with little Arvin. Riley Keough was so great as Sandy with the limited amount of time she had, and Jason Clarke is one of my favorites but he was unrecognizable in this as creepy ass Carl. Harry Melling was a far cry from Dudley Dursley and he did a great job with his screen time, too. Same with Mia Wasikowska, who didn’t have much to do (same as poor Helen in the book) but she was able to garner our sympathy anyway. Seb Stan was slimy and gross but he pulled it off so well. Eliza Scanlen has been one of my favorites since Sharp Objects (another one that’s brutal as hell but I recommend it, she’s so scary) and she was so, so great here. Robert Pattinson was ALRIGHT, everybody talks him up over this but he felt a little hammy to me and a little too over the top, but there’s no denying his talent.

-Now, the reason we’re all here. Tom. My God. As soon as it was over I just didn’t know what the hell to do, I didn’t even know how to....go on, lmfao. We all know he’s talented, that’s why we’re here, that’s why we love him, but his performance in this is just BEYOND all that. Beyond comprehension. The man is only 24 years old and he’s out here outacting people who have been in the industry for longer than he’s been alive. He is SHOCKINGLY good. I knew he’d be perfect for Arvin as soon as I read the book, but he just completely embodied this role in a way that I couldn’t have imagined. He doesn’t show up in the movie until about 45 minutes in (which doesn’t hurt it because of the strength of the leadup, Bill’s performance and the performance of little Arvin’s actor) but God, as soon as he’s there the whole thing comes to life in a way that it hadn’t before. Tom is literally just a shining light, and he draws your eye in every single scene he’s in, and when he’s not there you’re wondering when he’s gonna come back. Arvin, to me, is a very complex character—he has been inherently changed by how his father twisted religion in his childhood, how deeply he betrayed him by his behavior, but he still has a kind heart and a protective streak and the need to be strong despite the pain nearly breaking him apart from moment to moment. Tom is just outrageously good at portraying all Arvin’s little nuances, how he clenches his jaw, how his voice breaks when he’s afraid or trying to convince someone of something or get his point across, how his hands tremble after he’s done something he wishes he didn’t have to do, how his whole body wilts when he realizes he’s emulating his father. And his eyes. Tom can do so, so much with his eyes that it’s unbelievable. He tells you so much with just a simple look, a glance, a wince, a long blink. I’m not exaggerating when I say he’s just an absolute revelation in this, he cements his place in Hollywood with a firm hand and a tender look, and I will not be forgetting what he did here anytime soon. There’s a reason that everyone called him out for being so stunning in this. He is magnificent. He has a gift.

-I wanna say, in particular, how much I love Arvin’s relationship with Lenora. Their lives were both marked by such tragedy and pain and Arvin just took up the torch of protecting her from the moment he said hello as a child. He wants so badly to be tough, and he IS, but there’s just miles and miles of love in this boy’s heart, and it manifests itself for his family—for his uncle, for his grandma, but for Lenora in particular. I loved how he just showed up when she was being harassed and just ran in there without thinking, and it’s purely devastating that he was out taking care of her bullies while a worse predator was cornering her. The scene where she was sick wasn’t in the book but it was a beautiful addition. Tom sometimes wears this very open, unguarded, honest expression, and this is the only scene in which he shows it, and it really expresses the love between them and how much she means to him. Arvin didn’t find Lenora’s body in the book, but it was the right change for them to make. Tom was devastating here, and that pain and that moment truly fuel every second of his journey through the rest of the film. “My Lenora”. The saddest siblings. Both Eliza and Tom did so beautifully with this relationship and I hope they work together again.

-Favorite acting moments for Tom: when he’s in the car in the rain after beating up the bullies, when he’s in the church crowd and realizes Preston is insulting his Grandma (the way his face changes oh my GOD), when he finds Lenora, when the cop comes to tell him Lenora was pregnant (this is just....so damn good), when he was telling his uncle to look after his Grandma, THE ENTIRE CHURCH CONFRONTATION (the way he trembles when he’s trying to get his attention, how he speaks the whole time, how he slowly gathers his strength), when he thinks Sandy has shot him, the moment where he’s over Lee’s body and just....pleading with his eyes for him to listen and realize what he’s done. And the last scene, in the car, all the emphasis on his face....once again, he can do so, so much with a look, with his eyes. Someone called out the beautiful last shot in the film, and of course, it’s Arvin’s sleeping face. And it was so beautiful (and devastating, to think of him enlisting. Tom draws so much sympathy that you just want Arvin to have a normal life so badly. He deserves it, he does, but will he get it?)

-Last thing I’ll say, I really loved how, despite turning his back on religion, that God seems to be protecting Arvin the whole time. He’s terribly afraid confronting the preacher and that could have easily gone badly, especially when he tosses the book, but Arvin was somehow able to get a shot off and get the upper hand. And with Carl and Sandy, he senses something is off immediately once they pull off the road, and he would have absolutely been killed had Carl not switched out Sandy’s bullets for blanks. And in the confrontation with Lee, he once again shoots at the same time as him, shoots without looking, and manages to come out unscathed and on top. A few spoiler reviews pointed out that the last person that picks Arvin up is supposed to be a Jesus-like figure, almost like he’s finally been saved. It hurts that everyone around him that he loved is almost forsaken by God, but he himself is protected. It’s such a complicated commentary on religion throughout the entire piece, but it’s so interesting and engrossing.

So I’d recommend this movie to anyone that loves movies, loves Tom, can deal with a gritty story that takes its time laying out all the chess pieces. It is definitely heavy subject matter but it doesn’t go overboard with the horror as it easily could have. Yes, there are triggers to look for, but the critics hugely over exaggerated how awful it was. I can probably go get time stamps for certain things if people wanna ask me after reading this, but if you can get through a Tarantino film or any HBO drama, you can do this. And Tom’s performance is one for the ages and not one that deserves to be passed over or downplayed. It is beautiful and heart-wrenching—a magnificent turn that displays his monumental ability to reach out and guide you into any world he decides to make his own.

I loved The Devil All the Time.

[scary-lasagna]

can i get some hcs about Slender, Jeff, EJ, and Toby finding out their s/o had an abortion (without them knowing she was pregnant) so she doesnt worry them?

Slender

He's extremely offended that you would do something as drastic as that without consulting him first.

He did kind of take part in it, y'know.

So he feels a little entitled to persuade your decisions regarding a baby.

In honesty, though, he has way too many little shits of his own.

He knows that for sure, the migraines alone are enough to remind him, let alone the dick drawn on the back to his neck.

But the thought of having a child of his own makes his cold heart feel a degree warmer on some days.

He's not picky gender-wise, but he'd rather prefer a girl after seeing how his brothers turned out.

Slender would understand you thinking something like that would worry him, but things like this shouldn't just go unsaid.

But if you aren't ready, then he'd rather wait until you both can be comfortable with the idea of little faceless tyke running around.

Jeff

Kind of relieved tbh.

He's not responsible enough to be a father, and he just hates kids in general.

But he'll feel a little betrayed that you didn't tell him something as important as this.

He'll probably be quiet for a few days, in a mental debate about whether he should be mad or not.

On the brink (Most time tipping over the edge) of insanity, Jeff is always feeling a long range of mixed emotions.

He might end up lashing out and revealing that he found out.

Deep down, he's hurt that he missed a chance of being a father.

He'll wonder what the kid would look like, whether it'd be a boy or a girl and if they would've liked the same toys he did when he was a child.

He isn't too happy about the whole situation.

It'll take him some time to heal.

Eyeless Jack

Jack doesn't think much of it, except common curiosity towards why you didn't tell him.

Jack is a little non-commital, so he knows once he has a kid, that will anchor him down for good.

In the most casual way possible, he'll question you why you didn't tell him right away, or better yet while you were pregnant.

He keeps trying to convince himself that it was just a clump of cells that were removed.

But y'know it was his clump of cells.

He doesn't let it bother him for too long, and he'll eventually move on.

He was the quickest recovery out of the four.

Toby

Absolutely devastated.

Do you not think that he'll be a good father?

Is he not responsible enough?

Toby sets most of the blame of the situation on himself, and he can't find another conclusion about why you would reject the thought of future children.

He'll act more secluded the following week, possibly more if you've been dating longer.

And Toby will quite literally jump if you try to talk to him through the silence of the room.

He gets lost in his thoughts easily, and your voice snaps him back quite harshly to reality.

The thought of what the baby could've been, constantly nudges its way into his daily life.

But if you want to wait a bit, then Toby will sit patiently on the sidelines.

[capmerthur]

THE ONCE AND FUTURE FIC

Yet another resurrection fic (sorry?). ARTHUR RETURNS IN CHAPTER 2. Lots of feeeeels, and overdue conversations (at last!) between our precious King and Warlock. Title might change as this goes along, but this has always been the work title in my head since I started thinking about writing it, so… Starts right when 5.13 ends. WARNING FOR SUICIDAL THOUGHTS IN CHAPTER ONE.

Excerpt PART VI:

"All those years; and you never said a word. You knew how and when I was to die; and you never said a word."

(PREVIOUS CHAPTERS UNDER CHAPTER VI)

(Sorry everyone - it's been looooong; but I wasn't entirely satisfied with this bit and had to clear it before going on.... here is the revised version, and more will follow !!!) 

 VI. (ARTHUR POV)

("What are you doing here, then? If you neither cured me through the lake nor provoked my return?")

Merlin seems to hesitate - looking embarrassed?

"I was waiting. Since you- I've been waiting for you."

And this just doesn't make sense.

"Why would you think I would, I could, ever come back, if I was...?"

"There is a prophecy, Arthur. So you were to return, in order to fullfill it."

"A prophecy?"

Arthur is stunned shocked. He had expected some malicious sorcery at work and Merlin having heard of it and come over - it would have made sense; and it would have given him the opportunity to fight, if not to save then at least to honour his lost people. But Fate? How is he supposed to make Fate pay? And what is Its intent to begin with? A prophecy about him? Arthur feels powerless. Is his life not even his own?

Then Arthur remembers the puzzling word has passed Merlin's lips once before.

(I'm sorry. I thought I'd defied the prophecy.)

So. Merlin had known about this? Before...? And had never said a word - again? Another secret Merlin has kept from him; but this time, about himself - about *his death*? It feels even worse than Merlin hiding his magic. After all, Merlin's magic concerned Merlin, indeed. But how and why could Merlin - who Arthur considered as his true friend, no matter how often he had repeated they couldn't be - keep something that concerned HIM from him? Especially something that monumental?

It hurts. Arthur wants to scream. But all that comes out is a shocked whisper:

"All those years; and you never said a word. You knew how and when I was to die; and you never said a word."

Merlin looks shattered by the accusation - but he doesn't refute it; only try to explain the unexplainable, eyes apologetic under Arthur's blaming gaze, voice so evidently full of guilt and regrets:

"Because I believed I could actually prevent it from happening, Arthur. You are the once and future king who will unite Albion and bring magic back to the land; and helping you achieve such a goal is to be my destiny. So says the prophecy. So I believed I was the one, the only one, able to prevent it from happening. And as it depended on me alone anyway, I thought I should spare you from the weight of such a burden."

Merlin lets out a deep sigh before meeting his eyes fully again, his voice turning urgent and pleading:

"What was I supposed to say? That your loved ones would turn against you? You wouldn't have believed me. And even if you had... I didn't want you to have to worry all the time and about everything. You have no idea how it feels - the infuriating and desperate helplessness; to constantly fight to stop something you constantly fear, but to see everything you ever try twist and turn against you; to realize at every corner that what you thought you understood means something entirely different; and that nothing you ever do makes a difference in the end... 'Once and future'? I used to think it meant you would win the war; take your throne back for good. Or die trying, by Mordred's hand and Morgana's will - but only if I failed. There were two stories, and I thought it was to be or/or; but it was and/and. I was such a fool, Arthur; such a blind fool. It's only when you- when you- that I understood what it truly meant as a whole."

Merlin sounds utterly sincere; not only heartbroken but even empty after his confession.

And Arthur wants to believe that Merlin's silence had been well-meant.

But Arthur can't help but feel betrayed still, lingering on the echo of yet another odd word he hadn't realized to be literal at the time.

(It's my destiny. As it has been since the day we met.)

And Arthur finally understands what he has never been able to comprehend until now. Merlin's puzzling bone-deep *devotion* to him; that dumbfounding unequivocal absolute *commitment* he has never wanted to doubt nor question. Well; it turns out it has in fact little to do with him... He is just a mean to an end, right? Arthur can't help but replay their shared years through his head now with this new knowledge; and it all slashes through him like a double treachery. Arthur can't even tell what feels the worst:

Did I ever know you at all?

Do you even like me at all?

'I want you to always be you', he had said - and he had meant it: the magic, all in all, had only been an addition to who Merlin was. But this? This isn't a simple revelation. This feels like a revolution - a definitive, shattering change. And it hurts, losing Merlin; even though he's right in front of him. Does the person he had always believed Merlin to be even exist? Yet another grief, on top of his fresh mourning for everyone and everything he's lost...

Arthur's hands turn into fists at his sides to suppress his urge to snarl.

"So that's why you came to Camelot. To fullfill your destiny."

"What? No! I had no idea- My mother hoped Gaius might be able to guide me: I had questions, about my magic, and-"

Merlin seems honestly surprised - and appalled - by his train of thoughts; at once standing and coming closer in his urge to explain. But Arthur moves away, keeping distance between them. He cannot trust anymore in his abilities to see straight through Merlin without further information. He has never seen straight through Merlin, apparently.

"When did you hear about it then?"

"A few days after I had arrived in Camelot", Merlin confesses right away; eyes pleading, definitely understanding the terrible weight of his words yet obviously choosing to come clean - but not moving closer this time, knowing it would only be rejected.

And it's here, again; in those little things. The way Merlin not only respects his boundaries, but respects them *even at his own expense*. The way Merlin has kept so much hidden, and for so long; yet can't actually tell a lie right to his face when asked for the outright truth, even to save his own skin. It cannot be pretense, right? On the one hand, Merlin's face tells him all he needs to know. But on the other hand, Arthur still needs more answers, and he commands them.

"Who told you?" (Not Gaius, right? Please; not Gaius.)

"Kilgarrah."

"Kilga- who?" Arthur is honestly puzzled. He surely never heard of someone with such a name in Camelot.

"The dragon your father kept prisoner under the castle."

"What are you speaking about?" Arthur doesn't let Merlin time to answer though, cutting him once more as he opens his mouth - collateral information must wait for later, when faced with such an enormity. "No matter; one treacherous beast just said (can dragons even talk?) *this nonsense*, and you believed it? It's insane!"

"The druids spoke about it too."

"That's even more insane! Why would the druids trust- They hated Camelot. They hated me."

"They didn't. Not all of them, at least. (helpless sigh) Anyway, the prophecy is truth, Arthur. Your return is proof of it. You were to rise again; when Albion's need would be greatest. And you just did, Arthur. You just did."

The words stab through Arthur, making him see red. So Arthur cannot be softened by the evident not only wonder but even joy in Merlin's voice and eyes and everything. It comes out in a roar.

"My people needed me! What need can ever be greater than that responsability!"

Silence falls, all the more shattering after his outburst.

But Merlin has heard his need for an answer, and so he gives him one - even if it's none; shaking his head in helplessness, voice breaking and eyes begging:

"I do not know, Arthur."

Merlin is nothing but obviously caring, and sorry - sorry for him; holding his gaze with only patience and commiseration - hurt about his hurt, regrets about his regrets, and helplessness about his helplessness.

And somehow, having to see Merlin's hurt and regrets and helplessness feels worse - worse than his own hurt and regrets and helplessness, somehow: because the pain on Merlin's features is his own doing, again - even though Arthur has sworn to himself only moments ago never to hurt Merlin that badly anew; and even though Arthur knows that none of the injustice he feels is Merlin's fault to start with, if everything had already been written in the stars anyway. Arthur now feels guilty for having lashed out.

Besides, Arthur knows his rage cannot and will not change a thing, sadly. Even Merlin's supposedly unparalleled magic is powerless, obviously. So. His whole purpose, his reason to be, has simply vanished. The desperate rage finally turns into crushing grief, the shout into a devastated whisper.

"The only destiny I ever wished for was to be the King Camelot needed. And now Camelot is gone."

"No."

The fiery professed word brings his attention back to Merlin - Arthur hasn't been expecting an answer; it hasn't been a question. Merlin shakes his head, a clear denial; and then kneels down on one knee, all reverent, head bowed down.

"For as long as I draw breath, Camelot still stands, Arthur. I may have grown up in Ealdor, but you have always been and will always be my King."

The words ring nothing but deeply heartfelt. But to Arthur, they only feel infuriating. Merlin officially bowing to him off formal ceremonial occasions makes him sick. Because surely Merlin is deferent in any way but not that one, especially when it's just the two of them. And most of all, because this is fake and wrong. Arthur wouldn't tolerate even for the most helpless person to bow to him simply because he should to start with; so the greatest warlock to walk the Earth, the most powerful being alive probably? The idea isn't only ludicrous, it's simply nauseating.

"Because a prophecy says that you were 'born to serve me'?", Arthur can't help but spit out, knowing now how literally Merlin had meant those words. It is not enough. It could never be enough. Arthur lets out a deep sigh though at the edge he couldn't keep out from his tone, realising in fact and no matter what, he is more angry at Merlin's Fate than at Merlin himself. How come Merlin isn't enraged too, to start with? He is just as much a puppet of Fate as he is, isn't he? "Get up Merlin; this is ridic-"

"Because I wouldn't change a thing, Arthur", Merlin exclames, cutting him mid-sentence. And it is not often indeed that Merlin actually raises his voice in anger at him; and it startles Arthur silent.

Arthur has crossed a line, apparently. The most startling though is to realize that Merlin's lines aren't about himself (he sure never looked angry over buckets full of cold water over his head or anything): they're about Arthur - once about Arthur creeping around in the woods unprotected for example; now about Arthur misreading him. Merlin's eyes are now boring into his, nothing but fierce and ardent; even though his voice turns again gentle and even adamant:

"You are not my King because of a prophecy. You are my King *in spite* of it. I grew up wondering why I was born with the abilities I had, indeed. But when I was told... Believe me, I really didn't want it to be true; at least, you bet I didn't want it to be *about you*. But then... I got to see what you were truly made of; who you really were. And everything I've ever done since then has always been for and because of you. That's why my magic is for you; and only for you, Arthur. Not because I am supposed to; but because I want to. Because I believe in you. And if my destiny is to be of any help to you then I am proud of it indeed - because I am proud of you."

As always, Merlin just sounds sincere, radiating unwavering loyalty; and Arthur is baffled. Can it still be true, despite it all?

"Please get up, Merlin," Arthur repeats, this time more gently.

"Not yet."

Stubborn - as always, again. It would make Arthur smile if it didn't feel so heartbreaking.

But then, Merlin lowers his gaze once more as his hand moves about his collar, and Merlin is presenting him with Camelot's ruler's ring, holding it out.

"Here. Gwen had what is rightly yours - according to each soul in Camelot - sent to me; so that I could give it back to you on your return."

And Arthur is paralyzed. It means so much. But he cannot take it. It is both too much and not enough. And more importantly: he has no right to - he has let his people down.

"Please, Sire."

And Arthur hears the word exactly for what it is. 'Sire' had used to be his official appellation in Merlin's language in their beginning ('My Lord' being restricted for sarcastic comments since its first use). But its meaning has grown over time - as Arthur had let simply his first name or nothing at all become the norm between them - and Merlin only uses it now on special occasions: whenever Arthur needs an extra boost in confidence and Merlin feels like insisting on his allegiance to him. Some things apparently truly never change.

"It doesn't have to be for me; nor for you."

He's transparent to Merlin, isn't he? Always has been, probably. It doesn't feel worrying though. It is a gift, to have someone who understands him that intrinsically.

"It is the wish of your people. Take back your ring. Wear it with pride. For the love of Camelot."

And how could Arthur deny this? The rallying cry is deep embedded in his soul, indeed - and he would never turn it down. No matter his guilt or inadequacy, Arthur will honor his people's will.

"For the love of Camelot."

Arthur finally takes the ring from Merlin's hand and puts it on.

/

AN:

I swear, those two will be the end of me. Everything about them is so LOADED, and it hurts :( Their shared history is heavy. Merlin's lonesome centuries are heavy. Arthur losing in a wink his reason for being is heavy. I'll never rest until they get some happiness, they just deserve it :(

Also, please don't be angry at Arthur. He's not at his best in this bit, I agree; but his purpose for being alive is gone for good and he's supposed to be all right 'because it's meant to be'? He has a lot to go through, and it is a lot to take in. So remember two chapters ago. Arthur isn't good with talking about feelings; but he's brave, and when it matters, he speaks - and he actually said A LOT to Merlin then, for someone usually emotionnally constipated who expresses his affection by throwing punches, right...

(PREVIOUS CHAPTERS)

(Warning for this chapter: suicidal thoughts)

I. (MERLIN POV)

Merlin holds Mordred’s sword in his right hand, appraising it. He still can’t believe he has found it; still can’t believe it’s actually in his hands.

Over sixty years now - nothing; yet far too long - Merlin has been waiting for this moment. Since he has begged Freya, and threathened (and apologised - he couldn’t blame Freya for not listening; he wouldn’t have either, if their roles had been reversed), and begged again - in vain, for Excalibur. Since he has finally understood that he was a fool to hold onto hope for something that couldn’t, wouldn’t come to pass. Arthur was *never* coming back: Merlin had simply witnessed enough - he had witnessed too much; and too many times; and definitely one time too much one time too many - to ignore it any longer.

/

It was not that Merlin had grown too tired of waiting - too tired of the ache, the longing, the loneliness… For Arthur? Merlin would *always* wait; however long it might take.

It was not that Merlin had come to believe mankind didn’t deserve Arthur to rise again to start with - even though it *was* an easy conclusion, when it was at its worst, when it turned its anger against itself - too many horrors, atrocities, bloodshed. But mankind could be beautiful, when loving, in any form; and marvelous, too, when it was at its best; when it turned its anger towards its limits: the medical progress over the ages would have had Gaius exhilarated, and proud; and what about its general neverending thirst for discovery, for explorations, for quests? - of course Arthur would come back: if only he could.

It was just that Merlin had finally understood that he had been played - not even because Albion (the name has since long fallen out of use and its people had been scattered through the globe, so it might mean nowadays something else than it had used to to start with) had got united without Arthur (and even if it still only meant Great Britain, well, it might after all need to be united again); but simply because the list of unending reasons why Arthur should have come back to save the day and yet hadn’t (to mention only the very top of the list: half of humanity wiped out in a finger snap by the Black Death? the whole world collapsing in chaos, bend on destroying itself - World War?) had turned out suspiciously too long, and finally impossibly too long, as mankind had truly reached the lowest point not only ever but even possible without Arthur rising yet again (organised experiments and torture on toddlers, honestly?).

So.

Arthur wasn’t ever coming back from the dead, simply because no one ever came back from the dead (except as a shade - and that would be even worse, wouldn’t it? - or at a cost too great to burden anyway). It had been easy to believe in the prophecy; simply because it had been what Merlin had wanted. A distant promise of Arthur returning was still way better than no Arthur at all, and so Merlin had willingly taken the bait. But the fake prophecy had obviously been made up; as revenge, or entertainment - or both; and Merlin had felt stupid for not having realized this ages ago - The Sidhe were proud indeed; and Merlin had thwarted them. (It had been easy to forget it at first - to tell himself that they hadn’t known Arthur was THE Arthur at the time, whatever…) Merlin wasn’t sure about what Kilgharrah might have exactly known or not (On the one hand, Kilgharrah had forged Excalibur, who had always truly helped them. And Merlin had been warned by the Great Dragon, right from the start, and repeatedly; so wouldn’t it all have worked out just fine if he had listened. On the other hand, if he had listened? Wouldn’t he have been a monster, punishing people for crimes they had not yet committed? So maybe giving him the truth had in fact been the sure way to have him not acting on it. After all, Kilgharrah had hated the Pendragons - at least Uther - enough to have tried to wipe out Camelot. And he hadn’t been exactly pleased either to discover Merlin was a Dragonlord, even if he had seemed to soften when he had realized that Merlin would not control him as a puppet. And last but not least, Kilgharrah hadn’t taken care of Aithusa as Merlin had thought he would; and that’s how Aithusa had ended up with Morgana - and had forged the sword that had killed Arthur), but it didn’t change anything anyway…

Well, you bet Merlin hadn’t been willing to indulge them any longer. Not that anger was what was driving Merlin, of course. There was simply *no point* anymore in waiting. Nor in living, to be honest - especially as it might be what kept him from actually finding Arthur again somehow; next life, paradise, wherever and however and whenever? Merlin was no religious man, but even he had no answer about what happened after death after all. Maybe it was worth a shot? It was a very, very thin chance indeed; but it was still more of a chance than just staying here waiting for *nothing*… So. Merlin had begged Freya for Excalibur. But as she had kept absent, it had dawned on him at some point that Excalibur wasn’t the only blade he could use… Merlin had searched for that other mighty weapon through his magic for years; then had sent his creature to retrieve it when he had successfully localized it.

/

And here, now, finally, is Mordred’s sword.

And Merlin feels no dread, no fear, while holding it. If anything, he feels calm - calmer than he has ever been, probably. And that’s how Merlin knows that his decision is indeed right: even his magic agrees.

He should do it in the lake though. Magical artifacts just shouldn’t linger around in the open, huh…

Yes.

Let Mordred’s blade rest along Excalibur.

And let Merlin rest along Arthur.

Freya will make sure they all lay undisturbed.

Merlin blindly pulls at the cord around his neck, taking it out from under his tunic and sliding his left hand along it until it closes around Arthur’s mother sigil (AN) and Camelot’s ruler’s ring (Gwen had it brought to him, so he could give it back to its true owner on his return: Camelot in the meantime was to be ruled by a Concil of Knights and a Guardian, until Arthur would come back to sit on his kept empty throne and his kept empty seat at the Round Table).

Merlin closes his eyes; makes a silent promise.

I’m coming, Arthur.

He takes a first step into the lake.

.

Backstory: +1500 years in short - because it hurts and I just don’t have the heart to fully write the prologue I had intended to write:

Merlin has never left the lake. He kept waiting. He couldn’t, wouldn’t leave, (nor SLEEP even for that matter by the way) no matter for how short - imagine if Arthur came back just when he was NOT there, huh. And of course he wouldn’t trust his magic to warn him somehow - it had failed Arthur when he needed it the most after all. So no. Merlin has never left the lake. But Gaius has mentioned to him (Merlin got visitors, in the beginning (and his mother came to live with him until she died); before he cut himself off the world) how maybe the time he was given without Arthur was to LEARN more about magic; so that he would be prepared when Arthur came back to face whatever ordeal they were supposed to face. Because even if Merlin is hyper *aware* - he feels *everything*, through his magic - practice is necessary too.  So Merlin mastered the art of molding sand/clay and animating it with his magic (basically, he walks the Earth as Old Merlin - because people tends to let old grumpy men on their own - whenever he needs anything physically). He can speak, hear, see, learn, through him, following the world as it expands (America, Australia, etc etc, because even if he was aware they existed, he couldn’t physically *go* there before they were ‘found’). And he can touch, and carry (for example you bet he brought back something red for Arthur to wear every time - Merlin sort of owns a ‘male red mode through the ages’ museum by now - and he hates it, of course).  The first time Merlin has truly thought Arthur *would* come back has been The Great Plague. The second time has been WWI. The last drop has been the Nazis and Unit 731 experimentations.  So Merlin sent its creature to fetch Mordred’s sword after having localized it though his magic - and that’s what Old Merlin is bringing back to him when this all starts (aka that shot at the end of 5.13)…

(AN: Just so you know, Merlin’s magically pierced in the thickness of Ygraine’s sigil to pass a cord - he  wouldn ’t make a hole in the front design of course!)

(Also… A resurrection fic!? What am I getting myself into!? I’m still a newbie around here so I definitely haven’t read enough Merlin fics to ever claim making something original (so by the way, please feel free to let me know your all time favourites resurrection fics! So far I’ve read The Change Trilogy and Like the cycle of the year we begin again (and they’re both gorgeous reads so run and read them if you haven’t yet!) but I haven’t seen (yet?) my take, both on the waiting and on the getting along after Arthur’s return, in the fics I’ve read so far, so I thought I might as well write this down ?)

.

II. (ALTERNATE POV)

Arthur regains consciousness under water.

He’s cold; so cold he’s shaking - helpless, steady spasms he just can’t put an end to (being past half dead apparently has repercussions?). But it’s bright, up over him, and he instinctivally pushes himself up towards the light; towards the air.

The moment he breaks the water, Arthur registers that he’s not only alive but that he feels *just right*. No pain in his side, no weakness, no dizzinesss, no strain: nothing wrong at all - except from the convulsions from the cold, but you bet he’s not going to complain, all considered. The sun is veiled by clouds, but feels nonetheless like a welcomed warmth on his face, and Arthur breathes deep, bringing his arms up and turning his palms towards the warmth too as the tremors start to subdue; he’s alive!; and well! He doesn’t need to pat his absent wound in wonder, nor to look at the water, transparent clear instead of bloodened red, to know that what he feels is true.

Merlin’s done it.

He *has* saved his life.

Again.

It’s both unexpected (Arthur had been so sure he had taken his last breath, when all had finally faded to black) - and yet somehow expected. Magical waters and a sorcerer who knows how to work its power would do wonders, obviously. It has happened before after all, bringing his beloved Guinevere’s spirit back?

A sudden realization; and Arthur can’t help but laugh. And it feels so exhilarating - alive! alive! - the laugh turns into a howl; and Arthur relishes on it, throwing his head back. Honestly? How could he have ever been *so* blind - of course it had been Merlin then too by the water edge, disguised as an old woman!

/

Somewhere on his right, a buoying laugh erupts.

And Merlin knows that laugh. So hearing the exact right tone of that entirely unexpected laughter at once feels as if a vicious invisible hand is squeezing at his heart.

He had forgotten it; he realizes. But he would recognize that howling laugh amongst any other…

Merlin doesn’t dare to *believe*. Cruel hope nonetheless blooms unbidden in his heart, and his eyes can’t help but zero in on the source of that sound.

And it is exactly as it should be; exactly as it has used to be…

There *is* ARTHUR; standing in the lake, water reaching his hips, chainmail glistening, head thrown back as he laughs. (Has anyone ever looked more simply breathtakingly majestic no matter what they did and even without trying?) Merlin can only see his back, but you bet he would recognize the shape of that back amongst any other too.

Merlin’s breath is knocked out of him; and Mordred’s sword falls from his hand.

Merlin knows what he hears and sees *cannot* be true. He has seen the world in a much, MUCH more desperate state without Arthur coming back then. There is absolutely no reason for Arthur to come back right now. So. He is being granted a vision; that’s all. But of course Merlin wouldn’t, couldn’t, try to take his own life anymore, not after having had even just a glimpse… Besides, he has just handed over the last sword that could end him anyway. Merlin has to acknowledge The Sidhe’s thinking; they know exactly well how to play him. But damn, they are vicious.

But no matter the abysmal pain from such a low blow, Merlin still considers this to be a gift, and is determined to draw it out for as long as he will be allowed to. Those few seconds might sustain him for another fifteen centuries to come, and maybe more…

/

Arthur quiets down after a while. Thinking about his savior: where is he?

Arthur scans his surroundings; and the warmth he feels when he finally spots Merlin definitely eclipses the sun.

/

The laughing stops, and Arthur turns, eyes searching; and a bright smile appears on Arthur’s face the moment they find him.

“Merlin!”

Merlin’s knees give out. His name through Arthur’s lips has sounded *exactly* right - righter than in any memory Merlin has relied on to live on hanging onto. And it hurts. The shame, and guilt - to realize he had forgotten *this* too? It shouldn’t have been possible - to have something so dear going misformed; a pale, withered, incomplete, erroneous copy, so far from the original that its truth has disintegrated? Oh yes, it hurts.

And Merlin’s fingers dig; hard, deep into the sand. He cannot reach out. He longs for; he *aches* to - both physically and emotionnally. But he cannot. As long as it’s only his eyes and ears that are deceived, then he can pretend it is true…

Merlin starts to cry. He can’t help it; he cries - as he hasn’t cried since, well, all those years ago: silent tears endlessly streaming down his face, unabached, treacherous; and Merlin hates them - hates the way they blur his vision when he has to - HAS TO - *see*. He is powerless to stop them though.

It is *blinding*.

Merlin has tried, so hard, to keep remembering, to NOT forget. But his memories, even sustained with his magic, have so obviously failed him; haven’t done Arthur any justice at all. Merlin has forgotten so, SO much; and being proven just how much he has actually forgotten slices through him like a knife. The exact darker shade of Arthur’s blond hair when wet. The exact way Arthur stands and moves. The exact sharpness of Arthur’s features - his nose, his cheeckbones, his jawline. The exact shape of that smile - that particular, undeniably fond smile following his name Merlin has used to live for and from. Guilt slashes through him again. How could he have *forgotten* the exact shape of *that* smile; the most precious to him amongst the myriad of each and every of Arthur’s smiles?

/

But then Merlin collapses, instead of cheering with him - he has thought him gone for good? And Arthur suddenly feels like there is still after all a gaping aching wound on his body; but this one deep in his chest, and of his own making. He owes Merlin *everything*, doesn’t he? Yet he has hurt him - and so very severely. Despite it, though, Merlin obviously still cares for him; and so very much… His own behaviour puts Arthur to shame. So. Arthur hadn’t had the time nor the strength to plainly apologize before. But he has now; and he won’t run away from the words that he needs to say - and even more important, that Merlin needs to hear…

/

Arthur is now rushing through the water towards him - so fierce!, so strong!; alive and well!? His smile is gone though; replaced by worry - because of Merlin’s tears, no doubt: yet another reason to hate them then…

And then Arthur is plopping down in front of him, out of breath; and Merlin gets proof again of just how much he had forgotten - the exact colours and depths of Arthur’s eyes! There is now a fragile smile back on Arthur’s face - a soothing smile, meant only for Merlin’s sake; and it’s going to break Merlin’s heart, no doubt.

.

III. (MERLIN POV)

“I’m fine, Merlin. I’m fine.”

And not only the voice is perfect, but the language is the one Merlin hasn’t heard for over a millenium…

“Arthur?” is all Merlin can let out - no more than a somewhat hiccuped whisper as he still has no breath, no voice, to start with; but an obvious plea coming from the depths of his soul. A world of wonder, and longing, and ache, and disbelief, and hope - because no matter what, Merlin can’t help but want; can’t help but hope - in those two syllabs that own his heart. Magic *does* exist, after all; and Merlin would give it all - all the magic he possesses, all his pain, all his hopes, everything - for this vision to turn real.

Arthur’s already fragile smile falters: “Don’t you remember, Merlin. No man is worth your tears.” The reproach is nothing but badly fake though, and Arthur’s voice somehow breaks as it ends: “Especially not me.”

And then suddenly - and so quickly Merlin doesn't register any of it before it has actually happened, and so it is too late for him to move backwards to prevent it from happening - Arthur brings his hands on Merlin's face, gloved fingers brushing his tears away under his eyes - and Merlin can *feel* them!?

Merlin is lost; lost in what he sees, lost in what he hears, and lost in what he feels. Can this be true? Can it truly be true?

But then Arthur starts speaking again - rushed out words leaving Merlin stunned.

"I apologize, Merlin. The way I reacted- (sigh) I deserve all the names you've ever called me and more. I'm thick, and dumb, and *such* an idiot, and a complete dollophead, and a cabbage head, and a prat, and a royal *ass*, and I still don't know what a clotpole exactly is but I'm certain I am the definition for one indeed too. I may have seen anyone with magic turning against me; but I should never have doubted *you*, Merlin. I should have remembered the butterfly (AN)."

Merlin just cannot believe what he's hearing. It's everything he has ever wanted to hear; everything he has ever hoped to hear - so how can it be real?

"But more than anything, I think, I'm sorry because I should have known, Merlin. I called you a liar; looked at you like you had betrayed me. But you've told it. You actually shouted it for everyone to hear; and I believe you nearly told it to me, privately, at least once, and presumably more... But I just didn't want to hear it, did I? So I'm sorry I was such a coward; a *coward*, Merlin. And I'm so sorry, and so ashamed - and honestly I really can't blame you for not trusting me to understand: because you were right; and it guts me, Merlin. And 'There is no place for magic in Camelot'? How hard it must have been for you to say-"

Merlin can't help but shake his head, about to interject. Not because (even if it's true) one exception shouldn't and couldn't be enough to break a rule anyway; at least not at once, and not until Arthur would understand that magic itself isn't corrupt. Not because it hadn't been hard in fact to say those words - at least not hard enough, and that will always feel wrong. But simply because real or not just cannot matter anymore; not when Arthur's gaze is boring into his very core, pleading and honest and full of a guilt Merlin just can't bear to witness: "Arthur-"

Arthur silences him though, cutting him off by shaking him once by the shoulders: “But what counts is that I know, now, Merlin. Your magic is not only part of who you are; it also makes you who you are. And I will trust it; because I trust *you*. You must believe- No, let me rephrase this before you obey me again - because you *always* obey me, don’t you Merlin; even when whatever I say in anger or despair isn’t intended nor meant to be an order; and I’ve done it so often, haven’t I… ‘Do not put me into that position again’? ‘Tell me it’s gone’? (AN) So. Can you believe me; Merlin? It’s not an order; I definitely do not deserve to give you any order at all to start with anyway. You don't even have to forgive me; you shouldn't forgive me maybe. But please, at least, can you b-”

“Of course I believe you. And there is nothing to forgive, Arthur. Nothing.” Merlin half shouts, ancient words flowing instinctively, head skaking 'no’ for emphasis, bringing his hands up to Arthur’s wrists and pushing downwards, keeping Arthur’s hands in place on his shoulders. If this is a waking dream then Merlin never wants to leave it. This is solid enough, real enough, for the rest of his maybe neverending life. “You’re here. You’re well. That’s all that matters, Arthur; I swear that’s all that has ever mattered to me.”

Arthur holds his gaze for a long, long time; as if waiting for Merlin’s clear eyes to betray his words. And when he finally seems confident enough that they are indeed genuine, he whispers, but it sounds like a pledge: “And you’re here, Merlin, and you’re *you*; and I swear that’s all that will matter to me from now on.”

.

AN: Tiny quote from my Body Swap fic; sorry, I just couldn’t NOT put it there, it just FITS…

(Also, just imagine they speak in old brittonic… but please don’t expect me to write it? sorry?)

.

IV. (MERLIN POV)

Arthur squeezes his shoulders one last time and then lets go, about to stand.

“Now, let’s go home. We have a feast to prepare in your honor.”

Merlin cannot tell if his heart has just completely healed or totally disintegrated. Let’s go home?

It’s real! Of course it’s real. If Arthur doesn’t know- It’s real! Arthur is truly back! And that’s…

But *Arthur doesn’t know*. And so *Merlin will have to tell*.

Merlin blanches. He feels guilty, anew. Because he has hoped and prayed and begged for Arthur to return; with everything he had. He has been selfish, hasn’t he? And he has been blind; stupidly blind - again. All those years he has prepared for taking care of a still bleeeding wound, for clothes, for food, for any necessities; but it has never crossed his mind that Arthur wouldn’t know… and he is not prepared for Arthur’s emotional pain; and even less for causing it. Some small part of Merlin can’t help but wish now that Arthur had stayed in the lake after all, had never awoken. It’s too cruel. Merlin shouldn’t be the one to break Arthur’s heart.

Arthur is reading his panick wrong, of course:

“Don’t worry- No one else has to know about your magic if you don’t want to. But you DID end the war, Merlin; you did what I couldn’t do - Morgana… All Camelot should know what they owe y-”

And Merlin can’t bear Arthur’s concern on his behalf any longer; making it last feels like a betrayal. And no matter how much Merlin doesn’t want Arthur to get hurt, ever, he cannot and will not lie - not about this. Conjuring ghosts wouldn’t be real and would only make it worse in the end anyway. The only option is a clear cut, right away.

“It’s not- (deep breath) I’m so sorry, Arthur. We cannot go home. You were gone. For such a long time. For such a long, long time, Arthur. I’m so, so, sorry.”

And Merlin watches, feeling his eyes filling up once more, as Arthur’s eyebrows furrow in incomprehension; as Arthur blinks, taken aback as realization hits; as Arthur’s eyes turn desperate and pleading, shaking his head in denial-

“No. I remember just-” His voice falters as he probably notices the house behind them - the house that definitely hadn’t been there before - and who knows what more (trucks on the road farther away? joggers in strange clothes passing by?) “And you look exactly-”

And Merlin has nothing to say, nothing to offer, to soothe the hopelessly growing pain ready to crush his King, hollow him out - nothing but the cruel testimony of his once more, always, useless tears; and Arthur knows, indeed.

It comes out as a whisper, but it sounds as if Arthur’s spirit has gone with it, vacillating.

“They’re all-”

And the only thing Merlin can say still is: “I’m so sorry” - again.

“My people? My Knights? My- Guinevere…”

And it hurts. Oh, it hurts; to have to see Arthur’s broken heart on his face, to hear its crack as his voice breaks on his Queen’s name and his head turns away.

“I’m so sorry.”

A litany; a chant; a prayer. Over, and over, and over. Pointless, worthless, useless, anyway; as his King cries silent tears, all the more shattering by their quietude…

Then Arthur is up and pacing, a fierce but dark spark in his eyes as his hands turns into fists - anger, rage; of course.

“Why did you bring me back then? How could you bring me back if-?”

And Merlin would gladly take a blow; if it could help Arthur to feel better, somehow. But nothing comes. It’s Arthur. Of course nothing comes.

Arthur briefly closes his eyes, inhaling sharply. And when he opens them again, Arthur’s anger hasn’t faded; but isn’t directed towards Merlin anymore.

“But then; you would have brought me back right away, wouldn’t you have - if it had been in your power…”

And Merlin feels crushed, again; by how he *always* fails Arthur, indeed.

“I’m so sorry…”

.

AN: I realize I do have a thing for Merlin crying - blame it on Colin’s A+ crying performances - so of course it has to appear somewhere… Merlin will not weep though for much longer, if it can reassure you…

.

V. (ARTHUR POV)

Merlin hasn't said the word; but Arthur heard it anyway.

Dead.

He'd been dead.

And for such a long, long time, Merlin had said; even though it feels merely minutes since he closed his eyes?

It makes no sense; it feels unreal - impossible. Merlin hasn't aged a day...

And yet... The grief in Merlin's eyes tells him it's true. Everyone he knows, except Merlin, is gone. Arthur doesn't know what feels worse. To know that he will never see any of them again; or to know that he has failed them all... He feels unfulfilled, hollowed out; utterly lost, even though knowing exactly where he is...

He feels furious, too. What is the point of coming back to life, if it's coming back *too late*?

But Arthur simply knows, somehow, that Merlin - who has literally collapsed upon seeing him emerge from the lake; who has seemed so utterly shattered by his apology; and who looks now so honestly sorry for his loss, gazing up at him from the ground, nothing but stabbing understanding and concern in his eyes - isn't to blame for that lost time.

Which means his presence, here and now, is puzzling indeed:

"What are you doing here, then? If you neither cured me through the lake nor provoked my return?"

.

@clone-number-1

[doof-doofblog]

"Leave Him Alone! ... Dad!"

Tuesday 29th December 2020

Good evening everyone! Hope you're all feeling good - devastating news about the next lockdown / Tier movement isn't it? Personally, I've have enough. I feel like I really need to cry but for some reason, somehow the tears aren't falling - yet! I'm going and not think about it and focus on my favourite soap instead! Before we jump into the episode, I want to share a bit of news with you, it has been announced that Natalie Cassidy (AKA Sonia Fowler) will be taking an extended break from the soap, there has been a recently storyline regarding Sonia's mental health, when this is due to be shown is unsure. But Natalie is expected to be off-screen from early January and will return early in the Spring!

Also, I still can't get over the suspense from the previous episode - as far as I'm aware, nothing has been confirmed that Tina is dead, I think that will remain a mystery until it's eventually (hopefully) proven! What do you guys think?! While we speculate, lets focus on tonight's episode! 

The first thing I want to talk about is Ruby! Following Martin's revelation that he doesn't want anymore children, she is still clearly devastated by the news. As Stacey and Kush bump into each other on the Square discussing children, Ruby approaches them (mainly Stacey) warning her to never interfere in her marriage again! In all honesty, I don't think Stacey was, she knows Martin better than anyone, she can clearly see that something was on his mind and maybe she just thought she was trying to advise or help her ex-husband. The whole scene leaves Kush feeling very awkward as they both squabble in front of him. However, later when Kush approaches Ruby in the club, she is surprised when he apologies to her for stealing money from her till and he acts pretty sincere, he informs her that it's part of his recovery program, that he must apologise to everyone he's hurt due to his gambling addiction. It looks as if his apology really touches Ruby's heart and she invites him to stay for a drink. After a while they've both decided to sit together whilst having their drinks, Kush opens up about the deal he has in place with Phil, informing Ruby about that money he'll be getting by tacking the rap for the Mitchell's petty crimes, regardless whether it means him going to prison for a long time or not. He informs Ruby that the only reason he's doing it is for his son. It's quite sad though as you seem to realise how many people Kush has lost - Shabnam, Zaair, Shakil, Carmel - Arthur is simply the only person he has left! Ruby appears to be really moved by his revelation, however when he tries to change the subject to herself and Stacey, he kind of puts his foot in it when he reveals that Stacey actually wants Martin back! Ruby seems to be taken aback by this, it's only later when Kush comes to find her in his office, she informs him he may not have to go through with Phil's plan and then drops the bombshell that she'll give him the money instead! Kush is completely and utterly gobsmacked, why would she offer him such a lifeline?! But instantly Kush sees right through it and how crazy her scheme is, if Kush was to do a runner and take Arthur with him, it might change Martin's mind of having a baby with her, which would be a way of keeping her husband! The big question is however, will Kush take Ruby's offer and do a runner with his son?! 

Elsewhere on the Square, Billy, Honey and Jay are trying to move on from recent events. Honey pleads to Billy to try and talk things through with Jay as adults. She hates the fact that this has caused a rift in the family. Even though Billy is reluctant to forgive and forget, Honey seems to bring him round, mainly for the kids. As they find Jay sat alone in the gardens, Billy informs him that he recognises that what both he and Honey did was a huge mistake, with it being Christmas and people having a drink etc etc, people don't seem to realise their actions. He then invites Jay to move back in with them, however later on Honey finds Jay at the Car Lot, it looks as if she's struggling to come to terms with the recent events. She announces to Jay that over the past few weeks she has started to get feelings for him, it's been hard for her to ignore and of course she's been worried about what people might say about the age gap if they were to become an item, she pours out her heard to Jay that regardless of that, she wants them to give it a try. For a split moment, it looks as if Jay is going to say exactly the same thing, but instead, with a heavy heart, he informs Honey that he can't do it, because of Billy, he can't do that to him! This leaves Honey possibly feeling humiliated and devastated, she literally poured her heart onto the table, for it to completely backfire, only something tells me that Jay does have feelings towards Honey also, will he be able to stick to his word and not betray Billy?! 

Finally the main focus of this episode was Trueman/Fox family. Denise is completely on edge after learning on Christmas Day that Lucas had been released from prison and for the past month has been spending time with their daughter, Chelsea. Denise is constantly looking out of the window and having the need to check on Raymond every couple of minutes. Both Patrick and Kim are worried for her well-being, they can see that she is driving herself insane as she's being so wary of Lucas's possible arrival! Trying to see if they can find a way to get rid of Lucas, both Kim and Patrick approach Jack for his help, they inform that he shouldn't be anywhere near Denise, only when Kim suggests coming up with a plan to trap him and catch him, Jack simply refuses as it would be going against his jobs rules - that's what I'm assuming anyway?! With them out of ideas, Patrick seems to take the very drastic route and approach Phil for his help, at first, Phil is convinced that Denise is after more money but wise man insists that Denise has no idea that he is seeking his help. It seems to take a while for poor Patrick to convince Phil to actually get rid of Lucas, but when he proposes a deal where he'll make sure he'll be able to see his son without Denise's knowledge, Phil is more than happy to oblige. Meanwhile, as Chelsea is treating her Father to a slap-up meal, she makes an excuse to leave the room and powder her nose, it's at this moment when Phil makes his move, he takes Chelsea's place and sits opposite Lucas - I just want to say what a brilliant scene I thought this was, it's been such a long time since we've these two share a scene together! Steve McFadden and Don Gilet are just absolutely brilliant, I loved how Lucas recalled on the time when young Ben attacked his young son Jordan - how interesting is it going to be when Ben sees Lucas back on the Square???!!! Even when he dropped the bombshell that he knew that Phil had had a child with Denise, I just thought it was all just brilliant! In typical Phil Mitchell style, he threatens Lucas and warns him to leave Denise alone and to leave Walford for good! Later on in the evening, Phil makes on last visit to Patrick, informing him that Lucas had received the message loud and clear and wouldn't be returning, but he revealed to Patrick that he wanted Raymond to be with him on New Year's Day! Patrick tries to reason with Phil, acknowledging that he's grateful for what he's done but for him to bring Raymond to him on that specific day may be a bit awkward, but Phil is adamant he wants the young boy on that day, they simply had a deal and voices that Patrick should hold his end of the deal. Meanwhile, as this arrangement is being made, both Lucas and Chelsea are leaving the restaurant and heading for their car, Lucas appears to be voicing his concerns as to whether them spending time together is a good thing - however the one thing that pointed out to me was that Chelsea informed her Father that she had done well for herself and she seems pretty good for money, something is telling me that Lucas is only trying to get into his daughter's good books for her money - I could be wrong, but something just makes me question why she would say that?! Interesting possibility?! As Chelsea gets herself settled in the car, out of no where a group of hitmen begin throttling Lucas (with what looks like a large pole)! Chelsea screams and shouts, pleading for them to leave her Father alone, but none of them listen as they continue to beat Lucas to a pulp - could Phil be behind this attack?! 

Something tells me that Lucas is only going to be out for revenge after this attack! A very interesting episode with quite a bit of speculation! I apologise for this post being so late! I hope you enjoy reading! We're slowly getting to the big one on New Year's Day! I may be a little bit behind but I am really looking forward to watching and blogging about it when I get the chance! Enjoy the rest of your week folks, I'll be back very soon! Love you all xXx

[grapehyasynth]

AOS Rewatch, Part 7

This is a bit of a long one....

1x16

There are more hints here about Garrett... Deathlok receives a message “Don’t say I never gave you anything” and Garrett recently said something like that to someone.

Who was the Brit who was sending messages to Amador? Do we ever learn that? Garrett is not British...

lol Fitzsimmons’s responses to ‘have they exhibited any strange behavior?’: “No more than usual” and “strange is such a subjective word”

Tripp never seemed to like Ward -- he’s got good taste

Fitz is playing with the drawers like he played with stuff NUMEROUS TIMES in S3 while talking to Jemma

but who WOULD be the Watson in their relationship?

Fitz sad/peeved she’ll “leave me all on my lonesome”

At this point it’s still very unclear to me/the audience how Jemma feels about Tripp

It’s funny that none of the other characters in TAC gear interest me, just Fitz

Why does Coulson not wear TAC gear tho.....

Fitz: “I prefer high-tech hardware” instead of toy -- is that what he calls his sex toys too? (I’m the WORST)

Ward is so. full. of. shit.

“Don’t use my name, Jemma” lololol worst spies ever

Coulson’s father’s death was a defining moment -- but it’s never mentioned again after this...

Omg Coulson almost had it right, asking Ward if someone ordered him to kill Nash -- and then he just doesn’t follow it up

Fitz’s cute little scared face when May comes in while he’s snooping

I’m also devastated by knowing Fitz is constantly feeling betrayed by people

May obviously didn’t check the lab very thoroughly if baby Fitz was able to evade her that easily

Also omg I’m so devastated by Fitz’s twitch and his face when May shoots the glass lab doors right by his face

I’m really sad Coulson believes ill of May so quickly. Like, really? After all you’ve been through?

1x17

I’m going to be stressed and concerned the entire rest of this season

But also this episode is so good

Oh god Fitz looks so devastated when he realizes Jemma’s at the Hub

I’m so glad Weaver isn’t Hydra

May assembled the team -- because of course she is, she’s a boss badass

Shouldn’t May also know and understand why Coulson has to be suspicious of her? She acts like it’s so out of left field but if she were in his position she’d need to suspect her team as well

I love love love love love the Hand/Jemma/Tripp loyalty test scene

Fitz shooting a guard with great accuracy, even leaning a little around someone else to do it -- I’M SO CONFUSED BY THESE FEELINGS

I love that Jemma is willing to stand up to authority when she really believes in it

The age and power difference between Skyeward is SO GROSS and I will never think otherwise

I love that Fitz is worried about Jemma but still won’t consider unethical methods of reaching her

I’ve always enjoyed the way Garrett is outed, with Coulson catching his little slip

Sitwell was Hydra -- bet everyone’s glad Jemma shot him

“No John, this is you being a psychopath”

God Fitz’s tearful courage in the face of Garrett’s threat remains one of the most beautiful Fitz moments in the whole damn series

Was that Fitz’s first kill? I’ve lost track of when he’s used ICERs and when not

THE FITZSIMMONS RUN AND HUG <3

Funny that no one suspected Tripp and Ward despite both having been proteges of Garrett 

1x18

Ward broke into a SHIELD prison and killed a bunch of people but no internal cameras caught him to alert SHIELD outside the Fridge to his presence?

I still don’t understand where the British English words in Amador’s instructions came from

It’s somehow strange seeing Fitz assure Jemma, not the other way around

First Talbot appearance!

I love the walk and talks because of how often they show up in bloopers

Coulson trusts Ward but not Tripp? Hmm.

Okay now the whole Fitz/Simmons/Tripp triangle is being made more clear to the audience.

So Garrett says he planned to eliminate Skye? This is confusing because her being injured helped lead him to GH and more answers about Coulson’s recovery, but either the show can’t decide on his motives or Garrett can’t.

Fucking Grant Ward: “I’m everyone’s type” lol bye

“Simmons got choked up” when she had to turn her badge in MY BABY

Coulson was just out of high school when Fury recruited him

Jemma’s all shy around Tripp. I don’t like it. I like when she’s crushing on someone and is flirty and outgoing and makes a fool of herself lol. (Though to be fair, she’s pretty shy and careful around Fitz when they first get serious, but they’ve got a lot more riding on it)

Ward explaining himself to Raina is really annoying talky exposition

lol Fitz is so snippy with Tripp

Everyone lookin’ cute in their non-SHIELD-issue winter hats

Jemma is afraid of bears. (And birds, as we’ll learn.)

Hydra is keeping Gravitonium in their underground base? That is setup for a MASSIVE workplace accidenct

1x19

the steal-your-light guy’s last name is Daniels so I’m going to headcanon that he was related to Will and the whole family is rotten because even if Will Daniels was in theory a good guy he is a plot device that was NOT NECESSARY and caused me and my children SO MUCH PAIN

The way “Garrett” sounds in Iain’s accent is divine. Like, say all the r’s please, Iain. (Damn my name has no r’s in it. Will change my name immediately.)

I hate seeing Fitzsimmons care for Ward

Tripp knowing things Fitz thought were reserved for the more ‘intellectual’ types like him and Simmons -- it’s the first threat to Fitz’s intelligence, which as we see in Season 2 is the thing that gives him his confidence

May literally called Hydra’s tactic and Coulson just ignored her. Great time to become a terrible tactician and leader, Phil.

I like that while others look nervous about the lie detector test, Fitzsimmons just look impressed.

I love Fitz’s little smile when he says “just me and my mum”

I could swoon over all of the FS polygraph results but you already know they’re the cutest/funniest things ever.

Though to focus on one: Jemma says she’s not entirely sure why she’s still with SHIELD. Fitz, meanwhile, says he wants to be with people he knows and trusts.

I wish Koenig had just shot Ward during the test

Fitz saying Tripp is a “horrible person” lol. Also, this is the first episode it’s fully canon-acknowledged that he likes Jemma and isn’t just platonically jealous she’s spending time with Tripp.

Fitz and Coulson are hit by Darkforce but are totally fine...convenient...

Patton Oswalt and Amy Acker are for sure some of the best guest actors this show has had

Ward is being so obvious, like way too friendly. How did no one notice he was acting strangely?

May is truly the hero we deserve

“Our best agents are watching” -- Jemma includes Fitz in her list of best agents <3

Coulson trusts Bruce Banner’s tech more than Fitz’s :(

I hate the intimate Ward/Skye moments. So gross

God I love Fitz and I’m so so so so sad he didn’t get a non-traumatic chance to love Jemma

Marcus Daniels didn’t see it was a trap when the cellist was just playing by herself with no audience??

I’m always gonna be proud of Skye for gaming Ward for so long

I can’t watch Skye’s bathroom freakout without thinking of the blooper where she accidentally opens the trash can

Coulson knows Fitzsimmons are about to have a chat and gives them space for it

JUST TELL HER FITZ *CRIES FOR A FEW MORE SEASONS*

Agent May’s mom lives in Pennsylvania (or at least has a car registered there). I want to know SO MUCH about her mom’s backstory.

1x20

Domestic Fitzsimmons with pancakesssss

Poor Fitz discovering Skye’s message. Definitely one of the best-acted reactions.

Jemma’s so clinical, but she’s also so obviously furious with Ward.

Jemma is so practiced at comforting Fitz with his physical, angry reaction -- I expect that’s something he learned from his father. But he stops as soon as Jemma is near, because he’d never hurt her. (AND NOW I’M CRYING)

Tripp calls Fitz a tech “ninja” (#tripplives #gonetoosoon)

lol May digging in the cemetery

I love Skye for calling Ward out for being a Nazi. This show should do more of that.

How many planes is Coulson gonna sneak onto for kamikaze missions?

Why doesn’t anyone shoot Mike in the head? Like obviously I want him to live but they don’t know he’s savable and that’s clearly his most vulnerable spot

MASSIVE product placement for Nokia, Marriot, Ritz-Carlton. Like, SHAMEFULLY obvious

Fitzsimmons at the pool I CRY

Coulson looks out at them while he’s talking to Maria Hill -- he can’t imagine setting them adrift from the team

Fitz would rather not believe some people are evil, Jemma believes some people just inherently are -- oh my how their views will change in coming scenes

The fact that no one dates Tripp is a TRAVESTY

People keep telling Ward he doesn’t owe Garrett anything and he disagrees, and it’s all set-up for the next episode where we get the whole backstory, but honestly that episode didn’t change my feelings towards Ward at all. More on that next time.

[mymentalmasochism-blog]

MentalMasochism Reviews: Vampire Knight - Anime

I’ll be combining Vampire Knight and its second season, Vampire Knight Guilty, into the same review. Oh boy, vampires? School? Romance? What more could we want?! We follow Yuki Cross, who is a guardian at Cross Academy, a school dedicated to trying to build peace between vampires and humans….by not telling the humans that vampires even exist, we’re just letting them think these beautiful and highly intelligent people are just not allowed to associate with the “Day Class” because why? Who knows! What matters is that they’re taking classes in the same building, at different times! Yuki and her fellow guardian, Zero Kiryu ensure the peace between classes. Yuki is a human girl that is plagued by severe PTSD from her first memory, that of a terrible vampire going to eat her, but thankfully she was saved by the president of the Moon Class (the vamps), Kaname Kuran. What she doesn’t know is that Zero is going to devolve into a  Level E Vampire, which basically means he’s a mindless vampire out for human blood. Don’t worry, he’s fine. He starts off drinking her blood, and then Kaname offers his blood to him with the stipulation that Zero must “never betray” Yuki...Oooh, the plot thickens! Too bad we never entirely see what he means by that, unless he’s referring to the season 2 finale?? Oh well, at least you know he’ll never betray her!

Honestly, I considered Zero and his whole “cursed twins” arc with Ichiru and Hiou Shizuka, the Pureblood who killed his family and turned him into a vampire, the be one of the most infuriatingly dull aspects of the entire anime. I get that he’s oh so tortured, but for god’s sake, you don’t have to be a complete wimp about it! Anyway, yes, the vampire that killed Zero’s family shows up in the first season. Don’t worry, she dies by Kaname’s hand after getting shot by Zero’s anti-vampire gun. It was incredibly boring, and I spent the entire time wishing it to end. Seriously, I was rather hoping he’d pull the trigger in this scene from one of the very early episodes. Please dude, put us both out of the misery…

Yuki is constantly left in the dark about everything, from both Kaname and Zero, and she’s basically just left blaming herself for being the weak one. No, not really. You’re by no means strong, but it’s not your fault that they refuse to let you get involved in anything. So I’m going to have to say that I much more support Kaname and Yuki as a couple--

Well s@#%…..Even still, they make a better couple-- and oh, what’s that, Kaname?

Well cool, they’re not even real siblings, so you’re going to explain that to her, right, Kaname?

No? Okay….just use your non-human status as a way to say that “incest” is totally accepted. Seriously, why can’t you just explain how it’s acceptable so that I don’t feel weird about supporting them as a couple?

Whelp, this is an odd place to be, but yeah, looks like I’m supporting weird vampire-non-incest-maybe?

Well god@#$%it… Moving on!

The interactions between the two has its own level of annoying, neither of them want to be straight with each other. Okay, technically not entirely true, I consider Kaname far more upfront with his feelings than Yuki is, even if he hides a whole lot of things from her, and is actually pretty manipulative. Huh...now that I think about it, all three of them are kind of awkward… Still though, vampire-non-incest-that-actually-kinda-is-incest all the way!

To back up a bit, before the whole incest-non-incest thing, Yuki starts getting weird visions of blood, blood everywhere! She begs Kaname to tell her their connection, to which he agrees, if she becomes his lover. Sweet, the couple is finally together guys! Her visions get worse, and all attempts to remember her past just cause her migraines and more sleeplessness. Zero’s brother also shows up, this time with Lord Rido by his side, the uncle to Kaname. Their relationship is tense to say the least...

After much torment, Yuki is losing it, and Kaname decides to finally “awaken” her. Which is when we learned that they are siblings-but-not-but-still-related. Zero is of course pissed, and Rido sits in the corner rubbing his hands together evilly. This is actually probably one of my favorite scenes in the anime, and was what drew me in when I was looking around for something to watch.

A particularly irksome part nearing the end of the second season is how Zero decides to absolutely despise Yuki. She spends her time feeling like she’s been deceiving him (again, not her fault/choice nor did she even know, so why she’s blaming herself AGAIN is beyond me) while he spends his time basically just crying and feeling sorry for himself, because he is a vampire and a vampire hunter, and wants to kill all of them, which now includes her as well, because she is a pureblood vampire… because so much for the whole “coexist” mentality which was the entire point of the school in the first place.

Anyway, Rido wakes up with the help from Kaname’s blood, that was willingly given in hopes to finally destroy him once and for all. Yuki runs around, constantly ignoring Kaname, who pretty much just want to keep her safely out of the fighting. Kaname AND Zero’s master, Yagari, both tell him to stop being such a baby, and he is informed that Kaname’s entire intention for everything he did for him was so that he could become the ultimate Vampire Hunter, and destroy Rido, something he has been unable to do because he is the progenitor of the Kurans.

Yuki decides to be a complete moron and lead herself and her vampire protectors into danger by going to take Rido head on. It quite obviously doesn’t work, and why she thought she could manage this, being such a newly awakened vampire is beyond me. Her Artemis Rod weapon finally proves useful (seriously, it has been completely worthless up until now) and she gets all of the baby vampires to run away. She’s promptly restrained, like an idiot, and things are looking tense, but don’t worry, they’re fine. Zero kills Rido with his transformed anti-vampire weapon, Bloody Rose. Kaname also destroys the entire governing body of the vampire world.

Then Zero does probably the most jerk move, and demands that Yuki drink his blood, just to prove that she is indeed a vampire. Her being a vampire allows him to have a clear conscious about promising to kill her next time they meet? But he literally forces her to admit that she can’t be anything but his enemy. That aside, Yuki decides to leave the school with Kaname. Which just leaves a massive amount of dead bodies and devastation that the Headmaster gets to explain to the remaining student body, who all stayed in the auditorium during the entirety of the epic fights….

Bottom line: This isn’t a terrible anime, per se. I think possibly my biggest complaint could also be seen as a praise too, and that is-- this anime doesn’t really focus on the romance quite as much as I expected. Which is good and bad. Considering that Yuki and Kaname essentially end up together in the end, I rather wished to be able to see more of their relationship. I understand that she considered him above her and out of her reach, but by the time they did get together, everything felt really rushed, so there wasn’t a chance for their relationship to develop further. While I like romance in moderation, this is actually a case of where it was too much on the back burner. There are plenty of times where they could have expanded on certain scenes to show more of their relationship, and I would have rather watch more growth between those two characters than to watch some of the other subplots. It’s made very clear that Kaname loves Yuki more than anything, and he even has a touching scene toward the end where he apologizes for how he has hurt her. So, since this anime clearly leaves things unfinished, and I have no interest in reading a manga to tie up the loose ends, I guess I’ll just have to fantasize about how wonderful marriage life must be for Yuki and Kaname.

[spinjitzu-comics]

Lloyd Garmadon Headcanons

My headcanons for The Child™ Lloyd, as requested by that anon who asked who my favorite Ninjago character was.

Bear with me on some of these because I’ve only watched up to the end of S5 (they don’t have anything past that on Netflix) and I dunno much about the later seasons past Hands of Time involving some serious timeline bullshit of Homestuckian proportions.

Sometimes he has nightmares where his dad is accusing him of betraying him and yelling at him for sending him to the Cursed Realm. He wakes up sobbing and usually with a lightbulb blown because his powers surged while he was dreaming.

The first time he ever kills someone, he doesn’t think much of it at the time. But when the reality of what he did sets in after the adrenaline fades, he locks himself in his room for a week and refuses to talk to anyone. He’s never really the same afterwards.

He hates it when people treat him like a child, but he also hates being given too much adult responsibility.

“Kai I don’t care if I was 10 when I met you I’m mentally a teenager dammit don’t treat me like I’m little.”

“SENSEI I AM LITERALLY LIKE 12 WHY ARE YOU ACTING LIKE I’M AN ADULT I CAN’T EVEN DO CALCULUS AND REMEMBER TO FEED THE FISH LET ALONE TAKE CARE OF THIS PLACE BY MYSELF FOR A WEEK”

When he’s depressed, he’s extremely self-destructive in one way or another. Sometimes it’s actual self harm, others it’s self neglect like not eating or sleeping.

He’s less likely to cut himself than he is to purposely give himself bruises.

His least self-destructive tendency is working out excessively, until he strains his body so much that he can’t move for about 15 minutes.

He color codes his clothes most of the time, but sometimes he just can’t can’t be bothered to or he doesn’t feel like wearing green so he’ll wear dark jeans and a black jacket or hoodie.

Sometimes he thinks about Morro and wonders if he would have ended up the way he was if Wu had warned him that there was a chance he wasn’t really the Green Ninja.

He also thinks about all the things that Wu doesn’t tell any of them until its too late and it makes him really mad.

He cries every time he thinks about his dad for more than 5 consecutive minutes.

Kai is his best friend in the whole world but sometimes he really resents him and he can’t figure out why.

He looks up to Zane and/or Nya as sort of pseudo-mother figures when his own mom isn’t around.

He’s really good at drawing and painting but he prefers not to because he thinks people will take him less seriously if they find out.

His preference is nature drawings, namely vines and flowers because he can repeat patterns and such and he finds it calming.

He prefers to paint when he does do anything artsy, and usually uses watercolors.

When he draws/paints anything other than flowers/vines, he tends to do portraits of people in oil pastels. So far he’s got portraits of his mom, dad, Kai, Zane, and Cole... He’s planning on drawing Wu, Jay, and Nya at some point too.

He holds grudges like a boss... But only against people who deserve it.

That said, he can be incredibly petty if he wants to be and there are a few boys from Darkley’s that he has grudges against for things like “he looked at me funny”.

He was kicked out of Darkley’s for “lacking the motivation to be a villain” (canon), but in reality he didn’t really want to be evil, he just wanted to be able to make his dad proud of him, which is why he kept trying even after he was expelled. If he had really wanted to be evil, he probably could have taken over Ninjago in half the time it took his dad to attempt it.

No matter how old he is or what universe he’s in, he always has a sweet tooth. Always. He just learns how to control himself after a while.

In same-age AUs, his friendship with Kai has the very real possibility of turning into something else due to how close they are and how compatible their personalities are.

It’s still possible in the main/canon timeline, but it’s less likely because even if he liked Kai, Kai would probably be incredibly hesitant due to Lloyd really being so much younger than he is and Lloyd wouldn’t want to make him uncomfortable.

He lowkey thinks that Cole and Jay are secretly gay for each other.

He also thinks they both might be a little gay for Zane.

Loud noises and big crowds make him uncomfortable, but absolute silence and total loneliness terrify him. He has a hard time finding a proper balance of sound/silence and the right amount of people.

When in a situation where he has to sit still for long periods of time, he spends the majority of it bouncing his knees, drumming his fingers on stuff, and chewing on the insides of his cheeks and on his bottom lip.

In modern/real world AUs, fidget cubes are his best friends.

In the High School AU, Lloyd is outwardly sarcastic and sassy to everyone around him, but below that salty exterior he’s actually a really sad and vulnerable kid.

He’s super sensitive, too, but he’s trained himself to hold in his emotions until he’s alone.

Any time he’s criticized or yelled at, he cries.

If someone calls him out on how he acts, he gets hurt deep down but externally tells them something that rhymes with “Duck Glue”.

When he finally reaches his “rebellious teenage phase” he ends up with a really foul mouth for a couple months but grows out of it. He still drops the occasional F-Bomb from time to time but mostly he manages not to curse.

When the day finally comes that Sensei Wu dies, all the ninja are utterly devastated. Lloyd is the only one who doesn’t collapse into emotional turmoil, remaining, for the most part, outwardly calm.

Kai takes it entirely the wrong way and explodes on him about it, saying a lot of things that he later regrets very much. (”You don’t even care, do you?” “I guess I should have expected something like this from Garmadon’s son.”)

Lloyd locks himself in his room afterwards and doesn’t come out until Cole talks him into coming out to eat something because he’s hungry. He spends a few weeks being entirely apathetic to Kai but eventually their relationship recovers and they go back to being bros.

When he gets frustrated he spars with Cole to take out some of his aggression. It works pretty well for both of them because they can both fight almost at their peak without having to worry too much about hurting each other.

Somehow, some way, he still has a little bit of his Golden Power locked up somewhere. He knows it’s there but refuses to try and use it because the longer he leaves it alone the more it starts to replenish itself. He kind of hopes that one day he’ll have it all back, but even if he did he’d only use it in extreme situations.

Some of the Devourer’s venom did get passed on to him, but his Golden Power and status as the Green Ninja kind of quash down the “evil” aspect of it, making it surface mostly in small ways.

When he gets really, really, really mad, his eyes turn red.

He has little fangs and whenever he’s so mad his eyes turn red, they get bigger and sharper.

He’s a really good liar because hey you know snakes are deceivers.

Also his whole grudge-holding thing? That’s another thing caused by the venom.

Movie Lloyd (Luh-loyd) has some severe depression, anxiety, and abandonment issues that are constantly perpetuated by Garmadon being an huge deadbeat.

Every time Bad Blood played in the trailer it was because Luh-loyd was thinking it because he’s secretly a meme lord.

If Lloyd and Luh-loyd ever met, Luh-loyd would probably resent the fact that Lloyd’s dad actually knew his name and cared about him, but then would immediately feel bad about it when he finds out that Garmadon is Garmadead.

Okay seriously I have more but I think this is more than enough for one post.

[beyondthetemples-ooc]

Damnit, why are fanfic authors so GOOD at describing it?

Different authors in different ways.

But it all comes off feeling... familiar, in those moments of... doubt, weakness, anger, loss of control.

And I can only hope, only PRAY to my great golden goddess, that it isn’t from THEIR experience, too.

Because that experience damn-near DESTROYED me. It certainly TRIED.

(Read More’d because it’s about to get weird, in the bad way, in the “not the Nexus, but ME” way, the worst aspects of the things we have in common, I’m sorry, and I can’t be Candid about this publicly, in private maybe but I need to VENT this.)

Do they relate to Raven for the same (the very SAME and most RARE) reasons I do?

The reasons you shouldn’t be able to have in common with a Fictional Character?

The reasons that could destroy you if you let it? And the people AROUND you?

The reasons that make you dangerous?

Are there maybe other people out there, who really DID struggle against something Like That...?

Can there REALLY be others out there who struggled THAT hard? For THAT many years? THAT consistently in their life?

How do they KNOW?

Is it an approximation? Or is it maybe something almost Universal, in the human condition? (Everyone has SOME magic inside them. Sometimes they don’t know it’s there. Most of the time it’s not dangerous. But sometimes... maybe. I don’t know how often. I only know my experience. I only know what it was like for ME. And I’ve NEVER,, not EVER been able to find anyone else outside my Smallest Circle of Early Friends, who had the same kind of power, of struggle, of... internal Hell.)

But what if there ARE others out there who ENDURED that specific brand of personal hell?

(That articular brand of isolation. Getting lost in yourself. Losing yourself to the battle. Forever afraid. Distrusting yourself. Distrusting your mind. Distrusting your power, your gifts, being TERRIFIED of what happens the moment you let your guard down...)

Never really being able to trust that it’ll be okay. Because it wouldn’t. It would be DEVASTATING.

And these authors... It just tore me apart, realizing that some of them capture it so PERFECTLY, imagining that maybe someone else had to endure all that, too.

Because some of them, these writings, are just... ........that’s LITERALLY what I felt like.

Sure, okay, maybe the Nexus Connections have SOMETHING to do with it... (At least, ME knowing what it felt like.)

...but That Connection didn’t open until...  stars, I don’t know the date. Relatively early on. But only ever AFTER the fight had already begun. The moments of panic. The risk of Losing It Entirely. The DEPTH of that Nexus connection absolutely was not IMMEDIATE. Initially: Cursory at best.

Was it BEFORE or AFTER that moment, the devastation Thorn wrought, destroying Holly, destroying EVERYTHING.... ...I know 6-10-09 was BEFORE my spirit guide really showed herself, and 6-10-09 was the first time I FULLY triumphed. I think Holly’s death was before that. Maybe WELL before that. (Hell, maybe they were the same day... I just don’t remember the timeline. Just the emotional devastation... and then the immensity of exhaustion, triumph, and relief.)

My point is, the Nexus Connection wasn’t ALL I felt That From.

It was entirely my own experience. I was alone with it, for the longest time. And it was only through stories and that I found ANY solace... Any guidance. Maybe even, any HOPE.

(...no.. no, it was certainly only from the stories I found hope. I couldn’t even talk to my own family about it without being accused of cruelty, selfishness, delusions, psychosis.)

But I can’t blame them. This isn’t the kind of fight, or fear, or “influence” that’s meant for the masses.

And it was certainly a fight I could only win within MYSELF.

Friends helped. (The first friend I opened up to... gods, I wonder whatever happened to RNO? I never had a chance to tell him how his reassurances, his trust, his faith, impacted me to this very DAY.)

The first person to ever remind me that I was, indeed, in every way that mattered, human. And that was okay, too.

(I’m sorry, I’m rambling and dissembling because I have to. I’m sorry... I did warn you though, if you dared to read this.)

I may have won. I may have learned restraint. But it still makes me TREMBLE, just to remember...

You read a certain phrase, a certain descriptor, and it brings it all back....

It’s never over, that’s the thing. When you fight against something INSIDE you, something born of YOU yourself, it never really goes away. It might change, transform, fade into background noise. (......sometimes.) But it never really goes away.

When you’re scarred by your own experience, psychologically, no doubt astrally, I guess the memory, that feeling, never really goes away, either.

I spent so long, so LONG fighting. I spent so many hours, weeks, years, DEDICATING myself to the fight. To the point where I defined myself by it.

It was always in my Name. But fighting, for that BALANCE... The freedom I craved, the restraint I had to employ, for compassion, for hope, for the ability to Be Safe (for others) Out There....

I dedicated myself to the cause so absolutely, that I lost touch with my own individuality. I struggled to maintain my singularity in a world of conflict and energies constantly vying for my attention (and being an empath absolutely DID NOT help that). I restrained myself, without pause, without exception, without mercy. I learned to monitor my thoughts, at age TEN! Maybe sooner; gods, I was EIGHT when I first realized, my emotions had Unintended Consequences. I was twelve when I started meditating. Between 14 and 16, I was teaching myself to Dissociate From Myself. My feelings. My reactions. My opinions. My experience. Worst of all, my rage, my pain, my suffering. I learned how to divorce myself from so much of what makes up The Human Experience, in defense against The Inhuman Threat. 

I didn’t know what else to do. I can’t imagine how I could have done it any differently, even knowing what I know now... (Because it IS so all-consuming, and that WAS my only defense. To separate myself. To discipline my thoughts. I learned how to do that entirely too young, and even now, at age fucking 25, I struggle to make decisions for MYSELF, because I evaluate things based on “What is Safest?”)

I don’t have to anymore.

But the perpetual internal struggle left its mark. It absolutely destroyed my sense of innocence, and left a world of personal responsibility on my shoulders, for things I can’t understand, and can never justify. They just ARE.

Maybe someday I’ll know how, learn why, find something more than “bitter irony” and “maybe Real Karma” based on my past lives. But in this life? I spent so long fearing, struggling, and dissecting my identity, that now I don’t know how to just, BE.

I think, it was FORMATIVE, but I wish I had known it would be okay. That everything I feared wouldn’t come to be. That I WOULD win; that I DID have the strength; that I WAS able to take back control after all, and that, one day, eventually, I would be able to get back in touch with myself, and express myself safely, and be with somebody who loves me, despite my distance, despite my inability to Share Everything, to be able to find a Family and Belonging and Friends who could learn these things about me, and still LOVE me!

I wish I had known that I wasn’t to be broken forever. That I would heal. I would learn. I would become stronger, through trial by fire. Maybe literally. I wish I had known everything she destroyed would grow back. (I was brought to TEARS, in a time of my life when I relentlessly subdued ALL emotion, banned myself from ALL expression, fought against every single little motion of my heart-- I was moved to tears, by the vision of The Forest Growing Back.)

I still hold that image so incredibly close to my heart.

She didn’t destroy me, after all.

I still had a lot to learn. But that alone? One of the most life-changing lessons...

....because that’s what I feared. Among so many other things, that I wasn’t anything more than a ticking time bomb. I was going to be destroyed from the inside out, and everything I kept locked in would escape.

I didn’t know how I thought it would happen. It was a fear-- a panic-inducing . The one thing in my life that has ever superceded my phobia in terms of Pure Emotional Terror. Nightmares, visions, shifts in the mindscape, my own internal voices betraying me, worry edging into my thoughts when I was alone, when I felt just a LITTLE too much. Whenever I felt my own energy shift, I went into Lockdown Mode. Just in case. JUST in CASE.

And it blows me away that authors can find that reaction in their own stories. Granted, to the character I relate to for those very reasons, who has so many of the same fears and struggles. “My mind is a battlefield, ripped and whipped asunder, torn from the very fabric of reality.”

I just hope, so so desperately, that when authors write what that’s like, and they hit the nail on the head: it is NOT because they experienced that for themselves.

Because it hurts. It’s terrifying. And it threatens to tear you apart when you spend that much of your life constantly FIGHTING.

Gods, I hope that isn’t from experience....

[yoursummerfrost]

sidogosidhgjkv hi it’s OFC day for @omgcpwomenfest so I wanted to introduce everyone to Shani, a character I created for the fic I’m publishing this weekend but will probably appear in future stories too! Have some random headcanons that are sort of AU-flexible and don’t always apply (notably, in future stories Shani might be poly but in her original story she’s monogamous).

Feel free to send me asks or message me about Shani! I love her so much! Going under the cut bc it got long af.

Shanelle “Shani” Grady-Troy

Shani is a Black woman who grew up in Long Island and loves sports

Her favorite is baseball because she used to play it with her dad

She played softball for a while but she was pretty solidly mediocre and gave it up

She has a lot of hangups about achievement and struggles to find something she enjoys worthwhile if she isn’t fantastic at it

Softball was never going to get her a college scholarship but her grades could so she put everything she had into those

She also likes hockey, but she prefers women’s hockey to men’s and she chirps Jeff and Kent about it constantly

As for men’s teams, though, she likes the Mets and the Islanders the most, and psuedo-begrudgingly cheers for whatever team Jeff is playing for at the time

She and Kent bond over their love for the Mets because Kent grew up in Brooklyn. One time Jeff mentions how A-rod seems pretty chill and he nearly doesn’t survive the combined assault

As the name implies, she’s married to Kent’s mysterious teammate, Jeff Troy

They met in like 2005 in New York, when Troy still played for the Rangers

But they didn’t get married until 2010

Shani rejected Troy’s first proposal because she was still in school 

If you asked her what she thinks about fighting in the NHL she’d condemn it loudly and whole-heartedly 

But she’s secretly kinda into it

She shares exactly one (1) secret with Eric R. Bittle more on their relationship later and it’s this and only bc he admits he’s into it first

She likes fussing over Jeff when he comes home with bruises and shit

It makes her feel like the heroine in a superhero movie 

Shani is a Nurse Practitioner who works in the ER 

She’s a badass and she sees a counselor on a semi-regular basis because the ER is rough and it takes its toll whether you’re a badass or not

She’s unapologetic about the fact she has a therapist

She’s also unapologetically bisexual and it took her a long time to get there but she will Take No Shit about it now

When things started getting serious with Jeff some of her queer friends gave her a hard time

She felt like she was betraying her queerness by dating a dude and betraying her Blackness by dating a white dude

But she had other friends in the community who were more supportive and she realized that she wasn’t the one erasing herself

She ends up staying with Jeff and most of her friends apologized for their bierasure when she stood up for herself

Jeff identifies as straight but is definitely the Overly Invested Ally stereotype and usually has a Bi Awakening at some point, but until then this conversation happens a lot:

Shani: the Straights are at it again

Jeff: but babe I’m straight

Shani: I know and I love you anyway

Shani being openly bisexual is one of the reasons Jeff (and her, by extension) is the first person Kent comes out to in Vegas

Shani likes plans

Jeff has zero plans. He jokes that his wife has enough plans for the both of them. Shani is unironically pleased by this truth

Shani has plans for situations in the ER, for every vacation their family will ever take, for emergencies with their children

She also has a plan for when her fiance’s favorite rookie shows up at their door suicidal at 3 am because God forbid they’re unprepared for that one again

Shani will always love plans but she’s learning to be a little more flexible

In universes where they’re poly she’s in charge of scheduling and making sure everyone has comfy boundaries etc

Her relationship with Kent fluctuates based on the circumstances but she’s always super protective of him and platonically affectionate

They have the cutest cheek kisses and cuddle sessions

In ‘verses where Jeff and Kent are dating, Shani and Kent still don’t have a sexual relationship it’s just not Them

They probably try it once like

They’ll be snuggling on the couch and a little tipsy from some wine with dinner and just look at each other. And they lean in and kiss, and when they pull away they just look at each other and go “Nahh” and go back to chirping Jeff for his terrible fashion sense

She’s very aware of the fact that her husband is Gone on her and has been since they met, and she’s super secure in their relationship

Jeff is worried when he starts getting closer to Kent at first and he always asks Shani if she’s okay with stuff

Jeff: Um. Hi babe. Would it be okay if I cuddled with Kent sometimes? He just seems so lonely sometimes and–

Shani: Kent Parson is a Sad Boy who deserves to be swaddled with affection at literally all times and I would be disappointed if you didn’t want to cuddle him.

Jeff: ….so yes?

Shani: Yes thank you for asking

She worries about Kent sometimes though especially if Jeff hasn’t had his Bisexual Awakening yet

Kent is definitely lowkey crushing on Jeff and she doesn’t want Kent to get hurt

It can get a little manipulative when Kent’s mental illnesses aren’t being well controlled and Shani struggles with being sensitive to it without letting her and Jeff be taken advantage of

Shani doesn’t like Bitty at first

She has a fundamental mistrust of White Southern Boys who are too polite and nice all the time

Kent: Eric Bittle is a ray of sunshine who’s never done anything wrong in his entire life

Shani: Seems Fake But Okay

It’s not that she doesn’t think Bitty’s a good person it’s just that she likes people who say what they mean and Bitty Does Not Do That

She can’t tell when he’s being genuine because everything is hidden behind 72.5 layers of passive-aggression and pettiness and southern charm

It’s unsettling just say how you feel god dammit

Jeff kindly tries to remind her that Kent Parson only says what he means an approximate 45.32% of the time

she ignores him entirely 

Also she can tell Kent is 3000% in love with Bitty and if he breaks Kent’s heart Shani will destroy him

She doesn’t really come around until she realizes how genuinely happy Bitty makes Kent and that he’s in this for the long haul like Kent is

They’re never best friends but they can get along just fine

 Shani doesn’t like Jack either but she kind of does

Jack is like the opposite of Bitty in that Shani likes him as a person but has a hard time forgiving what he did to Kent

Jeff kindly tries to remind her that Kent was also a certifiable asshole to Jack on multiple occasions

she ignores him entirely

She has a devastating sense of humor that basically just involves dragging everyone she loves at all times

She’s also super nosy and can and will find out everything about your life

She doesn’t gossip about Important things though

She will absolutely tell the story about the time Kent burned a pot of spaghetti and set off their fire alarm at literally every opportunity but she will take his sexuality to her fucking grave

Has no problems spending Jeff’s money and letting him spoil her but also would never give up her career

It’s not like she thinks something would happen between them but she’s also not stupid and she knows no one thinks their marriage will end in a nasty divorce or–

she doesn’t like to think about the other terrible way marriages can end but she’s prepared for it, is the thing

So she wants to have a career she can support herself and the kids with if she needs to

She also genuinely likes being a nurse even if it runs her into the ground

This is like the one thing she and Bitty bond over

How do you be your own person and feel successful when your partner is literally a millionaire?

Speaking of kids Shani and Jeff have two children and she loves them endlessly

She suffered from a pretty awful bout of postpartum depression after the birth of their first child and went to therapy (outside of her normal counseling) for it

She still carries a lot of shame for that even though she’s trying to forgive herself and accept that it wasn’t her fault

When she was pregnant with her second kid she was terrified she’d go through it again

She almost didn’t want to conceive again and they talked about adoption instead but in the end she decided to get pregnant

She wasn’t clinically depressed after the second pregnancy but didn’t feel great, either

She’s iffy on having a third kid anyway but she’ll definitely adopt this time if they do

She just doesn’t like being pregnant or the aftermath of pregnancy 

She’d rather skip forward to the blowing raspberries on tummies and changing diapers parts 

This got like really long lmao and I still feel like I said way less than I meant to?? Seriously come chat w me about her if you want she’s great.