#something about mental health or smth
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yo, genuine question, if you bother to answer this you can do it privately idc, you made a couple posts about wolfertinger666 earlier today that made me raise an eyebrow, but i mostly decided to wait on any developments if they happened, but right now i'm checking and the posts you made seem to be gone. did anything happen with him that warranted a deletion or what? again, this is a serious ask
I am mentally ill and get extremely paranoid (read: people want to kill me) over bullshit (i don't want my day ruined actually i don't want my whole tumblr account to be ruined actually!!!) and I could not handle people taking me in bad faith about it but wolfertinger666 has literally posted about being puppychan and the bullshit apology he made is out there and if people wanna find things about puppychan they should research puppychan before asking a queer transgender nd artist if we are "just going after them for being transgender" i hope that is the last i have to say about it and i'm probably just gonna delete it or i never be able to use tumblr without being paranoid over that. I still stand by everything i said i just cannot control my brain being fucked up and evil !
#im like#schizospec#this is why i was asking other people to share it and make their own posts#cus i literally CANNOT handle it#and i'm not putting myself in the position where i can no longer use tumblr without giving myself self infliced brain damage#for someone i have friends who talk and have talked to him and say he has NOT changed and gotten worse#because he won't fucking get off the internet#something about mental health or smth
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twiddling my thumbs, i realized in ways i rlly do prefer 2010 Nier over the remake. but ofc, i love them both very much. just … smth about the 2010’s. there’s so much charm. i also think nier (adult to be exact) and kainé just look quite nice, even if the faces are a little goofy. and the piss filter + maximum grittiness is peak.
#my art#doodle#brother nier#kainé#nier gestalt#nier replicant#maybe a wip? if i decide it’s worth touching up#nier#ニーア#ニーアレプリカント#specifically nier’s appearance in the original + concept work really sells the fact that he’s exhausted and mentally unwell#looks ofc don’t equate to anything mental health related all the time but#he really is a fucked up lil (toll) guy who’s been through a lot and it just shows in his ruggedness#the eye bags i especially miss 💔#I commend 2021 nier for waking up and using a whole bottle of concealer every day gfh#and kainé appeared a lot more … hmm.. intense? idk something about her expressions. either way#i went through and saved a lot from accord library before it got shut down and looking at his concept work made me like ✨#✨ gah I need to draw this exhausted pretty mess#he’s kind of my fruitcake fruity cake fruity fruit#they are pretty in both versions but smth itches my brain in 2010 version is all ok case closed ramble over ごめ��！
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what is going on w my brain
#huge tag rant coming but dw about it#basically. if anyone here has known me on the internet for long enough yous will have gathered that i badly struggle w motivation and#fulfilling goals that i set for myself even if it's for smth i enjoy eg languages#it happens so often but especially over summer where my brain just goes Nope#“i have all this free time to do the thing I've been planning for weeks and i've been so excited about planning but now we have the time i#will be numb and sad and scroll“#i also have huge problems focusing unless every factor is perfectly balanced and even then it's still 50/50#i do have a bad attention span from being chronically online but even if you put me in a blank room w my task i'd be distracted by thoughts#external deadlines are some of the only things that can kick me into gear and i've been fine at uni so far#but i'm scared i'll have another a levels situation where my mental health was so awful i missed every essay deadline for french for 2 years#sometimes by up to a month#the only reason i got away w it is because i had a breakdown in front of my teacher and he was like “yeah take care of yourself the essays#are not that deep just get them in first thing after half term ig“#like that was v kind of him but if i ever have a situation that bad again i will genuinely fail uni cus you can't get away w that#where was i going w this (<- is aware of the irony)#right yeah this week i've experienced the epic highs and lows#highs of really enjoying my downtime and putting active effort into my hobbies instead of my downtime being “scrolling but i don't hate it”#but lows of realising how much time i 'wasted' in my teen years feeling sad and scrolling when i could have been developing skills and#having fun#and yeah i'm having a high rn and genuinely enjoying life but it's making me realise that my default state of being is just 😐#like even when i'm at uni where my mental health is so much better than at home when it's just me home alone or in my room i'm just 😐#not really having fun just existing v passively mindlessly scrolling waiting for the day to be over so i can see my friends in the morning#like not every day has to be amazing but surely there's more to life than just 😐 in 99% of your downtime#like i've struggled for years on how to answer “what do you do in your free time” cus i had to search for answers#i read and go on walks. which is true. but they were always things i did as phone breaks during weekends and not something i actively did#because i liked them#and because of past mental health issues reading and sports based hobbies have become tainted for me#i'm working on it but yeah#huge tldr. i'm finally starting to accept that i probably have a combo of undiagnosed mental illness and neurodivergence#because if it's taken me this long to realise how much it truly impacts my enjoyment of life then surely that's smth
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"Zadr shippers RUINED their dynamic"
"Theyd get tired of fighting and be best friends with gaz 🥰"
#idrc about them not liking zadr btw but there is something so crazy to me#about people who say zadr is the incorrect dynamic but will do shit like this??#theres also a fundamental misunderstanding of how zadr shippers interact with the ship#9/10 times its not healthy its a deeply codependant relationship between two mentally unwell people#and this isnt healthy but its healthiest For Them#this kind of florpus reading disregards how much their fight is crucial to their mental health#and i dont mind if this is the dynamic u like but they always got smth to say about zadr shippers#when they do the SAME THING but arguably worse and less compelling
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ohhh fight club is like GOOD good
#sorry i havent seen it since i was like 13 tbf#and like. don't even know how to unpack the. Interesting. mental health things happening therein#but otherwise damn... guh...... brugh.... aough..... and so on#need to actually read it but going through knowing the twist is like. extra satisfying#it's probably just bc it's my current Thing but im trying to figure out why exactly it shares vibes w d.evilman to me#smth about its flavor of 'world going to shit' i suppose. like the disillusionment stems from a similar place#and i guess some of the.. forgotten identity stuff. if you wanna call it that#theres also a certain amount of overlap in the flavor of plotting ryo and tyler have. somehow#actually that comparison is going to be stuck in my head for a while hold on#not to mischaracterize ryo and his (initial) goals or anything im just saying like.. there's something there#the way they deliver plans. the sort of out there allusions and iffy logic about the world delivered via monologue and the reckless abandon#idk how to explain it and im not doing it WELL but im tonguing that cut on the roof of my mouth. so to speak#also very funny to look at marla and tyler's similarities and go ohh narrator has a type lol#anyway anyway#maybe it's just the way both make me feel. same texture of brain-mush
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I hate how if you do art ppl will tell you to do something more valuable with your time. Dont get me wrong, they'll tell you your art looks so nice and stuff but then turn around right after like they didnt just say that and spout 'advice' at you. I hate how you have to prove the value in something to make it seem worthwhile. Like no Nisha, i dont do art because im good at it, i do it stay sane. I do it because it makes me happy. I do it because i stopped for a year and it was the most miserable year of my life. I dont care that it doesn't 'have value'. Shut up.
#esha rambles#art#what even decides the value of something?#does something that makes you happy not have value if its not making or going to make you money?#i hate this society that places so much value in time=productivity/money#what about happiness?? mental health???#ppl keep discussing declining mental health in society like its some big mystery#like idk have y'all ever thought maybe its the fact that everything we do has to have some kind of profit for it to have value?#i cant sit and think about life enough to find the beauty in it#every time i sit still all i feel is anxiety about life‚ the things happening in this world‚ whether I'll even get a job in the future#and thats not even scratching the surface#im feeling the anxiety crawling up right now as i sit and write this#and you know when i wasnt feeling this anxiety? WHEN I WAS PAINTING SMTH#im not even good at painting‚ i dont know enough about composition and color theory and hell about how the paint works#but GOD it gives me peace#i feel peaceful when im painting flowers#even if they look a bit weird and flawed‚ those are the only flaws in something of mine that i dont mind#i hate that people are alwas trying to take that away from me#i hate that i let them once#the tags are a bit big im sorryyyy#i just had to get it off my chest
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find the constant rhetoric of “so scared of s2” as if mental illness being portrayed authentically and with sensitivity and an ultimately positive outlook, amidst an adorably heartwarming, youth-friendly story based entirely on love and friendship, is absolutely terrifying to be endlessly amusing
#by amusing i mean bemusing i don’t get it in the slightest!!#every single person that posts about their excitement seems to feel the need to include their ‘fear’ or combust#and the literal edits of the quoted “i can’t wait for s2!!’’ followed by a ✨super dark✨ montage#of charlie talking about/dealing with his illness#was excessive after the first time actually#guess what!! you can enjoy smth that accurately and lovingly depicts serious topics!!#especially when that topic is young queer people struggling with and ultimately improving their mental health!#something that is WIDELY dealt with irl?#but each to their own ig#anyway rant over time to genuinely look forward to any new heartstopper content esp for s2
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i think the phrase some people are looking for sometimes when they say something triggers them is "this mildly upset me"
#not to swing a bat at a hornets nest or anything. lol#but like. if smth genuinely triggered you on here well i dont think youre going to be sending a sternly worded anon message to the user#about it sorry#authors note in case anyone reads this: this post is expressing the idea that the term 'trigger' used in a mental health setting has become#frequently misapplied until it's evolved into a synonym for being a bit upset or uncomfortable from something. this post is not saying that#people who get genuinely triggered are lying
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i am like. unreasonably mad right now.
#oh like SO much madder than i need to be#tales from diana#i uninvited this guy i don't personally like very much from smth last week#i told him something TRUE tho which is that my friend who was going through a mental health crisis might not be expecting a lot#of ppl there and i was trying to keep the crowd small for his sake. FOR HIS SAKE. that was half of my anxiety tbh.#i probably would've suffered through trying to be nice and agreeable if i weren't looking out for him. he's been through the wringer lately#but it gave me a valid excuse to tell this guy i already have some problems being around that i didn't want him to show up.#but i told my OTHER friend. who WAS going. not the one going through the mental health shit.#i wasn't gonna throw the first guy under the bus so i told him hey friend 2 i uninvited that guy bc i kinda have reservations about him.#i didn't think it necessary to share my first friend's crisis (when i told the guy i dislike abt it i didnt say who it was)#(that was another reason i felt like i shouldnt invite him. bc i didnt want him to know who it was. i didnt wanna share his business)#so im telling friend 2 about the reasons i have reservations about this guy right? and friend 2 is like 'oh wow i didnt know that'#and he starts feeling differently abt him. reflecting on some stuff. it's not easy to find out someone isn't who you thought they were.#he ends up 'uninviting' him (the guy i told him i dislike) from smth we were gonna do sunday. he didn't give a reason like i did#he just said 'actually something's come up and i couldnt do that' but later that day he ends up going to the HOSPITAL right#friend 2 does. he tells the disliked guy that's why he didn't see him on sunday. but now he doesn't believe either of us uninvited him#for sincere reasons. i mean i guess friend 2 didnt. but he's doubting friend 2's health in the first place#and he fucking doubted my friend going through a MENTAL HEALTH CRISIS who i was just trying to be accommodating for.#im so mad. im so mad!!! not everything's about you dude.#i had to get that off my chest. there's more but im just so mad. im kind of fuming honestly#ive been pissed off abut this for over an hour now i can't be reasonable about it. just fucking fuck allllllll the way off.
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got a bit too silly goofy (depressed) for the last 4 months and neglected my sourdough starter so i had to throw it out but i have some saved in the freezer so i'm bringing her back to life :)
#aj.txt#not to be silly but i feel like sourdough starter is kind of a metaphor for mental health. can't explain it but it's there okay#needs nurturing and feeding etc etc. makes beautiful bread when you treat it right. or something#but it's also like a hopeful thing. coming out of a period of depression and caring about my hobbies again#and sourdough starter is a commitment in a way. it's smth you feed every day. it gives you a reason to keep moving forward#and bringing it back feels like. bringing myself back#sorry if this was too goofy. love you all#OH I FORGOT I HAD A SOURDOUGH TAG#bread tag
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#I don't talk about it much except around the holidays when im complaining about Christmas sldjsk#but im religious :)) and ive just been. lowkey Dealing With Something#some people. have been kinda. questioning.... my level of.... dedication?? ig#bc my mental health problems hold me back from Doing As Much as other people#and... ive heard a lot in the last few months.... to pray about it :) and god will give me strength :)#and... idk... i do pray about it!! and god does give me strength!! but my strength looks different from other people's#and i just think... idk... we don't tell people with cancer to pray about it :) and god will give you the strength to get rid of the cancer#we dont tell paralyzed people to pray about it :) and god will give you the strength to walk again :)#ya know??? like we dont expect god to FIX illnesses to make our lives easier#so why am i being told to pray about MY illnesses and then they wont be as bad#.......ya know#and i do!!!!! pray about it!!!!!!!! so sorry that im so debilitatingly depressed that doing my best looks lazy to yall#idk probably gonna delete this skdnskd#i dont talk about it much on here for reasons :) im not hiding it by any means#its just not smth i feel needs to be shared all the time on this particular platform#where i exist to be a fangirl skdhksbdjs
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actually no fuck it I’m going full morning person. return to form
#yes these read like positive affirmations priest 😔#unfortunately that format lives in my head rent free#and I also need to Tell Myself I’m doing something in some real capacity or it doesn’t happen#nailing my positive affirmations to the door like Luther or some shit#anyway I’m doing actually getting up by 7 and out by 9 bc I miss mornings so bad and early morning is objectively the best time of day#7am isn’t even that bad as long as I go to bed on time like that’s 7 hours sleep which is honestly more than what I average anyway#also return to form is a phrase that has lived in my head since the penumbra podcast started using it for season 5#anyway I’m gonna go shower now and I WILL get my shit together now even if I have to be draconian about it until it’s a habit#bc I will enjoy it once it’s happened and it’s infinitely better for my mental health than This#luke.txt#update I realised that 9am out is actually a normal thing for people with jobs#SO 6am time I think I need something major anyway to have a big enough disturbance to the system for it to be felt#smth smth adaptive peaks hysteresis alternative stable states#I AM PUSHING THIS BOULDER OUT OF THIS VALLEY
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#truly absolutely no wonder the times when i hate myself the most is when i cant draw#not even in a ''oh i have to post smth way'' idc abt that. i just want to create Something. anything rly just for me just for the heck of it#whenever i try to sketch something it always ends up erased or undone or just. i cant do it#i dont know why !!!! i just want to make smth. feel smth during the process and like the result#but these past damn weeks have taken such a toll on me i think im losing myself genuinely#feel like!! m such a letdown i went and signed up for art events etc and i cant even give them my all and imjust barely hanging on a thread#rly all i ask to be able to do so long as im alive is to draw things. thats rly all i want#i have plenty of ideas ik hkw to execute them somewhat but every time for the past couple of weeks i bring my pen to the tablet everything#seems wrong. its never turning out the way i want to i cant see what i wanted to draw anymore til the point i cant even begin#hhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh#mental health dropping isnt helping either screw you august im just. god#i should eat dinner maybe#duck rants about something
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OKAY this post is dedicated to the one and only Karl Heinz
#Small question as startup: How many time does he appear throughout the DL project?#HDB: totally absent. Lives in the venom spitted out by his sons#MB: slightly engaged in the role of Rainhert (Reinhart?). Came to one of his son’s wedding and revived one of his son’s gf.#(Sometimes appeared in the ending to take out the mess he started or comment on something.)#DF: The only route i see Karl be appearing so often is Ruki’s. Everyone else’s r… around the second half of the route and also the last.#LE: ded#CL: appeared at the tip of the begining and the endings.#Man… this dude’s impact is non-existed. I’d rather let the boys fight each others.#I talked to Rainychan about this days ago and realized both of the franchises we’re into have that problem.#It’s much more horrible in RWBY. The final boss and her gang almost never even cross paths w/ the protags??#Making the dude they killed off after 3 volumes more worthy of a villain than the real boss.#(Are we soulmates? 😭 Jk jk; just a coincidence that we r both into not well-written series 💀💀💀💀💀💀)#Brief conclusion: plot getting sucks when the boys started to have smth else to fight rather than their own mental health issues
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This is unironically how it feels to have intrusive thoughts
Many times i pushed that button and people went "dude its normal" WHEN I TOLD MY PSYCHIATRIST ABOUT THIS I GENUINELY THOUGHT I HAD A BRAIN TUMOR THANK YOU VERY MUCH 😃
#unironically#this whole “(headpats) learn to not worry dude.” thing is PROBABLY helpful#but whenever i dont worry about something it just... goes bad or smth#ah whatever#hope this#mental health#bullshit is a temporary thing
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you lead a unfathomably fucking miserable existence
I'm really happy and very successful in my chosen field, making the difference in the world I've wanted to since I was a kid 🤗 I have hobbies I can indulge in, a lovely gf, 2 wonderful dogs, and great friends 💕
Me acknowledging that women lead difficult lives and have to deal with undeserved pain and suffering because of our biological sex doesn't mean I exist in misery. I don't spend my days in my mother's basement crying over how the world doesn't focus on me and me specifically, sounds like smth you guys are way better at.
#I actually worked on my therapy when I was at my lowest and made changes to my life even if it was hard instead of wallowing in sadness#cope and seethe but I'm flourishing 😊#being able to have a name for the systemic oppression females go through has been eye opening and gives me the motivation to make changes#radical feminism#sex based oppression#I actually want to do something about it that would benefit other woman. rather than selfishly opting out of womanhood to just benefit me#inb4 someone says I'm ableist or smth for being happy lmao get over yourselves. I've worked hard on myself for years#this is the result of working hard and being willing to get a little uncomfortable to make a diff in your mental health#and yeah sure I may still struggle in some areas but I keep trying and thankfully have a wonderful support system in my friends
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