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autisticlancemcclain · 2 years ago

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I would like to preface this by saying that I don’t think VLD intended for this nuance to be possible. When they originally made the characters and gave them their lions, I think they made them very one dimensional (hence why everyone’s outfit matched their lion colour), but I think they also started several background plots that drastically changed each character, to the point where they no longer fit the molds they were originally intended to be. That’s why Black Paladin Keith and Red Paladin Lance hit so hard. They were originally assigned lions according to the personality we saw in the first episode, and those personas changed so much and went through so much growth throughout the show that seeing them in their original lions would feel wrong. The change of lion was necessary to their growth as people and that is a fascinating storyline, one that VLD gets zero credit for because they definitely did not intend it (I know because if they did it could have been done way better and with way more nuance). Anyways. I present to you each paladin, what they want, and what they needed but could not get until they grew and accepted themselves.

PALADIN: Shiro

LION HE WANTS: Black

LION HE NEEDS: Green (or, honestly, rest)

Now this is a controversial take. Shiro? The natural born leader? The one who everyone listens to without question? Him? In Green? But hear me out! As much as he exudes an aura of someone who can provide answers, I have to ask — did he ever really, truly, want to be the person everyone relied on? I don’t really think he did.

From what we were shown, Shiro grew up ill. He grew up in a constant state, I would assume, of people telling him that he was incapable of achieving great things. I would imagine this would solidify in his head that he had to achieve great things, or else he would fail himself. I think that’s why he and Adam fought so hard. In an effort to keep Shiro safe (and as someone who may have known Shiro better than he knew himself but was incapable of articulating that in a way that was loving instead of controlling), Adam became one of the many people who told Shiro what he couldn’t do. And Shiro, who was desperate (interestingly, much like Lance) to prove himself, gunned for the position of leadership. And to his credit he performs this leadership exceptionally well! He knows how to comfort and steer people and gain their trust. But at the core of him, I think all Shiro ever wanted to do was explore. Look at his excitement for the Kerberos mission — as much as he, in part, accepted that mission as a show of strength and health, he is a nerd. He wanted to explore and he wanted to explore badly. Even throughout the show, he’s a dorky nerd who gets very excited to learn new things and meet new people. He’s intensely curious, intelligent, and inquisitive, so I think green would be his best fit. (Also, his biology and geology geek ass would love forest powers.)

PALADIN: Keith

LION HE WANTS: Red

LION HE NEEDS: Black

I have talked endlessly about this exact thing before, and I’ll do it again, but this time in more detail.

Keith was struck with a truly heartbreaking amount of trauma in a very short amount of time. He lost everyone he ever loved, quickly, and from what we could see of the flashbacks, his attempts to reach out for help were often met with disdain or even blame. This, I imagine, would paint a very specific picture of life for Keith: it sucks, and it is something that happens to you. Something you can’t control. That’s why he wants to red paladin — since he assumes there’s no control in his life, he acts out, he’s impulsive because he’s been conditioned unfairly to look out only for himself, trust no one for help, and therefore does not often consider or care about the consequences of his actions. With shiro as the black paladin, Keith does not need to offer support as the red paladin, and so in that position he can fully exercise his wild and impulsive tendencies. In fact Shiro was often the one supporting him, and so a lot of his impulses worked out for him. In the red lion he isn’t forced to seek change in himself — at most he is expected to work within a team, which is new, but because of the expectation of his wild tendencies, he doesn’t have to undergo much change.

As the black paladin, Keith is suddenly responsible for everyone else. He can no longer fall back on the idea that he cannot get help from others and he’s the only person he has to worry about. Now, not only is he looked to as the one to make decisions, he actively has to rely on every other person on his team — the black lion is the head, which means it’s held up by the body! Keith is as reliant on his team as they are on him. He now has to carefully weigh almost every single one of his decisions, and untangle the harmful outlook on life that was forced on him. He has to accept that he is not at fault for the trauma he went through, he has to learn how to love and trust. Also, his lack of desire for power makes him a better leader in the long run, because he is less likely to be corrupt because of it.

PALADIN: Lance

LION HE WANTS: Black

LION HE NEEDS: Red

As much as Lance does and obviously enjoy being the blue paladin, if he was asked, in the beginning, to choose one, he’d choose black. And we know that’s true because when he had the potential chance to be Black’s paladin, he jumped for it.

It’s because Lance desperately wants people to listen to him. Much like Shiro, Lance — as the youngest sibling and as someone who we saw face so much pointless and even cruel scrutiny — wants to prove himself. He wants to be the best, he wants to be on top, and most of all, he wants to be appreciated for what he offers. Many of his skills are under appreciated, because although he is unbelievably talented in the things he can do, the path life took him on does not place a lot of value on the skills he has. Dance & arts, tension-breaking, long-range fighting — all of these are often considered frivolous and/or expected to be quiet skills. These aren’t things that get praised in the setting of war or battle, and Lance, as someone who is very insecure, needs that praise and validation. As the black paladin his skills and decisions would have a direct impact on the people around him, which would prove an instant validation for him to see, and as the black paladin he would be free from any shadows (like Keith’s).

But, ironically, Lance’s skill aren’t suited for solo leadership, not the way he wants. Lance does have many skills of a leader, that’s true, but that’s why he’s so good at the red paladin — specifically Keith’s red paladin, although so long as he would have the position of right hand man (unlike Keith with Shiro’s leadership, which was very solo) he could work with anyone.

Lance grew up with people. He never knew a time where he was alone. He learnt simply by being alive how to mitigate fights as much as he learnt to escalate them, and how to work with people as much as intentionally upset them. There’s a reason Lance is so good at getting under Keith’s skin, and it’s because he can predict what would make Keith comfortable and is fiery enough to delight in the opposite. Lance can analyze incredibly well, and all of his ideas work best with a partner. He also would have the freedom, as the red paladin, that Keith had — to be as impulsive as he wants to be, but often isn’t, because he’s scared to shake his reputation. Lance, sometimes, visibly wants to go a little apeshit. He likes causing problems. He works well in chaos. But as the blue paladin or the person who is meant to go with the flow, he’s restricted from this desire, and it dampers his ideas and plans. When he’s allowed to think outside the box and move in unexpected ways, he comes up with excellent ideas and puts in new supports that take the team in different directions. Also, by being forced further into Keith’s shadow, he had to learn how to find his light himself, which helped him realize his own worth more than being a leader ever could. If he were to be in Black, he would find himself (due to his worship of Shiro and his lack of faith in himself) in Shiro’s shadow. If he were not forced to find his own worth, it wouldn’t matter which lion he was in, he’d never be able to prove to himself that he was ‘just as good’. By being in Red and as such directly compared to Keith in every aspect, he was able to realize that no, actually, he was individual and that individuality made him strong.

PALADIN: Allura

LION SHE WANTS: Red

LION SHE NEEDS: Yellow

This one was a lot harder to puzzle out.

Allura wants to be her father desperately. She wants to be everything he was. Like Lance, she has placed herself in the shadow of someone she could never be. From what I can tell, Alfor was a very impersonal leader — although he did love and care for his daughter, and presumably his wife, many of his decisions were ruled largely by logic. Allura, on the other hand, is passionate in everything that she does. She loves sparkly things and grand shows and she wants to know everything about everybody and be right in the middle of everything. Alfor wants his people to prosper. Allura wants her people to be happy. You can see Allura’s struggle especially in the beginning — Allura, when trying to emulate her father in her leadership, is kind of a drill sergeant. She is strict and has impossibly high expectations. But when she has the chance to be herself, she is bubbly and kind and excited. She wants the red lion because she wants to be like her father. She wants to hold on to what she has left of him, and is willing to bury herself to do it. She already has a position of unquestioned leadership in the castle, so it’s not necessarily the power she wants, but she doesn’t trust herself to be strong just as she is, so like Keith, she wants the red lion because that’s what’s expected of her.

But Allura likes being right in the middle of things. She likes being the support, likes hearing about people’s lives and doing what she can to help fix problems. She is the definition of a sunshine character, and as the yellow paladin would be able to be as strong as she is soft. Being the yellow paladin would also help her differentiate herself from her father and establish herself as her own person. This would break the heavy burden of expectation she has on her — instead of obsessing over what everyone wants her to be, she can be who she is exactly, and let that be what helps her move forward. The yellow lion would allow her to be as soft and emotional and grieving as she is, without compromising her ability to help guide and support her team and family that mean the world to her.

PALADIN: Hunk

LION HE WANTS: Yellow

LION HE NEEDS: Black

This was a hard one, actually, partially because it does provide some conflict with two people who would best suit Black. Hunk, though, is so versatile that he gets TWO lions that he needs.

LION HE NEEDS: Green

Hunk has a very strange reputation. He’s seen as the sunshine cinnamon roll, which is almost at direct odds with his actual character. Hunk is witty and dry and intensely distrusting. He is the epitome of kind, not nice. He has his suspicions of people and is very fond of his family while also being critical of them, which means that as much as he protects them and cares for them, he’s also willing to protect them from themselves. He’s the one to point out detrimental flaws that others gloss over. He is (mostly) tactful, of course, but he assumes his role as supporter means that he is responsible for pointing out and helping change poor behaviour — which, in fact, is the role of a leader. Hunk also has a very solid view of things in general. He sees situations for what they are and does not struggle to see through smoke and mirrors. He is also capable of being nuanced, even though he prefers things to be black and white. He’s good at taking other peoples feelings into consideration and caring for them while also helping them improve. As the black paladin, he would be able to exercise these abilities in full, as well as utilize his strategic brain to come up with several on-the-fly and reasonable tactical plans.

His surety as a black paladin is directly unlike his role as the yellow paladin, where he often falters due to his anxiety and struggles to be as preppy as he is expected to be. As much as he does like being in the middle of things, he also has a certain need for control, which could be carefully exercised with the black lion. The best way to cure anxiety is to see regular proof that you are capable of overcoming your fears, something that would be obvious in Black. (Also, if Lance were his red paladin, they would be able to utilize their previously established supporting roles and dynamics as leadership ones.)

Alternatively, however, Hunk would work well in the Green Lion. He is just as curious and inquisitive as Shiro and Pidge, although his anxiety and fear of the unknown frequently holds him back from discovery. That’s why he’s so reluctant to trust new people, why he sticks to what he knows. As the green paladin, he’d be the one who’s required to stick his hand out first, the one to mitigate his own anxiety and reckon with the fact that he is not as fallible as he believes he is. He would have to understand that he is capable of things outside of what he’s known to be. It would also help his natural distrust of new people become an intrigue, where instead of assuming new things are threats, he would expect and prepare for the threat while understanding the possibility of progress.

PALADIN: Pidge

LION SHE WANTS: Green

LION SHE NEEDS: Blue

The common theme among each of the original wants and placements is that the paladins force themselves into roles that fit their reputations and expectations. Pidge is no exception. She is curious, and she is inquisitive, but to some degree, that’s all she’s allowed to be. She’s constantly dismissed as a young girl who’s just looking for answers, and so I think that makes her desperate to prove that she’s capable of finding those answers, that she’s the smartest person in the room. In fact it’s when she’s backed into that corner of a one dimensional nerd that she becomes the most volatile. I think she resents that position she’s forced in, and perhaps the time she took over for her brother upset her ability to separate him and the persona she made of herself impersonating him from her real personality, wants, and desires.

But when Pidge is at her strongest, she is thinking about and working towards helping her family. Her greatest and most selfless moments come when she is sacrificing herself to protect those she cares about. Pidge sacrificed her entire identity to find her father and brother, and throughout the show often sacrificed her search for her father and brother to help the universe and the other paladins. Pidge’s greatest shows of strength are when she is protecting, caring, and supporting other people. Also, pidge is incredibly adaptable. Even at her most one dimensional — a coder and programmer — she is constantly hit with huge amounts of obstacles that she must work around on the fly. Most of her young life has been impossibly high hurdles that she’s had to work around. She doesn’t seek those problems out, but rather they are forced upon her, and she uses her resources and intelligence to work with them and eventually overcome them, which speaks more to her adaptability than to her curiosity.

Part of the disappointment in the later seasons of Voltron is that a lot of storylines and character arcs either felt unfinished or mishandled. Part of that is because by prompting so much change in the paladins and then introducing a visible marker of that change in the lion swap, but neglecting to actually flesh out those changes in later seasons, huge parts of the characters felt empty. Shiro was forced to take on a task way bigger than he ever wanted to have — did he ever get the time to find himself and his interests again before he was slapped into a new leadership role and married off? Keith finally seemed to find himself and feel comfortable in his skin as the black paladin — why was he sent away before he could enjoy it? And then why did much of the progress he made while he was away come at the detriment of his ability to co-lead with Lance? Lance had so many interesting arcs and relationships with the rest of the paladins and his own inner turmoil — why were these arcs muddled in the name of a forced romance and settling down on a farm? Allura got to move from an impassive leader to a fun young woman with her entire future ahead of her — why was she forced into a relationship she didn’t want and then killed? Hunk’s entire character was so interesting and funny — why was he immortalized as the caricature he was forced to play in the Coalition show that he hated so deeply, and forbidden from reaching his full potential? Pidge had a fascinating dynamic with the paladins in contrast with her own internal struggles — why was her development dropped as soon as she found her brother?

Dreamworks dropped the ball. But I’m happy to take the seeds they planted and care for them myself — to grow them into a diverse and interesting cast of characters that had deep and nuanced relationships with each other and the situations they were in. Also, I don’t know how to end this essay, so end scene.

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42bakery · 2 months ago

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Hii!! I hope you are doing well :) I’m the anon who is dragging her friends to watch motogp so I have someone to talk to but they love asking hard questions; there are things that I was able to answer and there are things that I checked your blogs and you have already answered but they asked me a question that made me unsure of the answer that I gave and who better to ask than our expert

Their questions was why some people ride on “edge” better than others? And how can two teammates but one is better at finding the limits and hovering and not crashing but when his teammate tries he immediately crashes? I told them that it was natural and freaky thing the only people that I could think of that rode their entire career hovering on the limit are Casey and Marc maybe even Vale too. But I also told them it maybe because some riders ride Motorcross for fun so do you think that actually help?

Hi again anon 👋👋👋👋

I'm really glad this or my old blog had helped you. Also how did you find things there? Because there's a bunch of things I never properly tagged with Tech talk or something like that.

Okay, why I'm labeled tech expert? This is only my 5th MotoGP season, I'm still learning a lot. There are here people that has grown watching MotoGP. @motocorsas is more expert in the subject that I'm. Also there are literal engineer in this site following MotoGP, and I'm not an engineer (I had some subjects, but all of them applied to my field, which is production and biology). So no, I'm not an expert.

The thing is all riders ride on the edge and the reason why some are better than others is because they are willing to asume more risk like Marc or Pedro (Brad too, but like one step behind). They do find the limit in practice, and then play with that in the races. In those cases, when a rider crashes is because they have ridden beyond theirs and the bike's limit.

Being teammates or having the same training routine has nothing to do to be able to be over the edge without crashing. It has more to do with their riding style and their natural ability to read the bikes feedback and make the necessaries adjustments to not crash. So let me explain, as they ride, the riders feel the bumps of the track, the change of surfaces (if there is any) and the grip level, among other things, and that tells them when to break, when to push and when to do the change of direction.

An aggressive rider such as Marc, Pero or Brad, will test and stress the bike beyond the limit during practices, and then get the feed back on what is going to happen before the crash. Other riders such as Luca or Fabio are more in the smart side and prefer to get the limit by pushing small increment by small increment. Kind of 'I stop here, I don't know what's ahead, but this is safe'.

Then again, the bike does a lot. The Honda for example gives you 0 feedback, and actually one of the complains it was that the first warning something was wrong it was the rider actually flying. The Ducati or the Yamaha is actually pretty good in giving you feedback. But this is not a aggressive bikes give no feed back and stable one gives you, because KTM has been working on the feed back and is much better than the Honda. And Aprilia is also bad in the feed back, but then again, the Factory seems to actually suck at producing parts that are exactly the same, which makes the riders feel off when jumping from bike 1 to bike 2 or changing one part for a new one.

Okay to sum up, basically the more risk a rider takes, the more at ease he's with riding beyond the edge (because everyone rides on the edge)

#Ask #Anon's tag #MotoGP #Tech Talk

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natromanoffsgfs · 2 years ago

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Kidnapping part 2

(184k words)

Bend so Far - dreadmyquill - Spider-Man - All Media Types, The Avengers (Marvel Movies) [Archive of Our Own]

Peter Parker has been kidnapped by HYDRA and doesn't know what to expect, especially after he is joined by super soldiers Steve Rogers and Bucky Barnes. Peter hasn't encountered the rogue Avengers since the events of Civil War, and Tony Stark is still the only Avenger who knows Spider Man's secret identity. The three kidnapped heroes are quickly forced to learn to trust one another as a group of calculating HYDRA scientists begin a series of frightening and painful experiments on each of them. How long can they hold on in captivity? Will they be able to fight their way out? Will the other Avengers rescue them before the experiments have shattered them both mentally and physically? Only time will tell.

(210k words)

Did We Come Close To Having It All - Chapter 1 - for_the_night - Marvel Cinematic Universe [Archive of Our Own]

"What’s wrong, Mr Stark? What does it say?”

Tony didn’t respond. He didn’t even twitch. He just stared at the screen in front of him.

There was no ransom note under the photo. No ploy or negotiation, it simply stated ‘Pepper’s life for Spider-Man’s.’

Or: Peter gives himself up to save Pepper believing it’s what Tony would want only for her to refuse to leave him."

(38k words)

The One Where Peter is Bucky's Weakness - Chapter 1 - JinxQuickfoot - Multifandom [Archive of Our Own]

Bucky was returning to one of the small apartments Wakanda kept as safe houses in the States, when he was greeted by a tied-up teenager in the middle of his living room, staring at him with wide, panicked, deep brown eyes. -------------------------------------- Bucky doesn't recognize the teenager someone has dropped off in his apartment, but that's not going to stop him from protecting Peter Parker at all costs.

(56k words)

Consequences - Jocelyn - Multifandom [Archive of Our Own]

Amid all Tony Stark's activity with Peter Parker in Civil War and Homecoming...he never registered Spider-Man or Peter under the Sokovia Accords. The consequences come down on Peter six months after Homecoming, and Aunt May learns of Peter's secret identity a much harder way. Now Complete! The Avengers re-assemble, and the alliance between the X-Men and Avengers is sealed thanks in no small part to Peter Parker! (65k words)

weapons never weep - Chapter 1 - McSquishee - Multifandom [Archive of Our Own]

“Let me make something clear, insect. You are a freak of nature that serves no purpose outside of science and war, and you do not have nor deserve the luxury of human rights. I gave you the opportunity to make this easy on yourself, but if you must be difficult, I will have no qualms over forcing you into submission by any means necessary.”

The man looked over to him, his expression unwavering and offering no guilt or remorse.

“You are naught but a weapon, and I will treat you as such. Don’t forget that.” -or- On a mission gone haywire, Peter is abducted by HYDRA, and they will do whatever it takes to harness his biology for their benefit.

(36k words)

We Can’t Have Faith For Everybody - Chapter 1 - Hale13 - Spider-Man (Tom Holland Movies) [Archive of Our Own]

MJ and Flash, hands cuffed to each other and Peter, wrists and ankles held to the wall by thick metal cuffs and dangling in a way that’s surely to leave his shoulders aching.

The first week Peter, verbally, gives as good as he gets. He never lashes out physically and always does what their captors want the first time they ask. He still spends most of his time that he is in the cell chained uncomfortably to the wall. After the first week someone, apparently, decides that Peter is weak enough from the constant abuse and malnourishment that he is no longer chained up after his sessions; just dropped unceremoniously onto the dirty floor and left for MJ and Flash to care for.

Or:

Peter, Michelle and Flash get kidnapped to get information on Tony Stark.

(38k words)

Goner - Chapter 1 - CamelotQueen - Spider-Man: Homecoming (2017) [Archive of Our Own]

There's a serial killer in Queens.

Everyone tells Peter to stay out of it, to leave it to the police, but they should know better by now that he doesn't know how to leave well enough alone. Perhaps he should have listened.

(21k words)

Brave as a Noun - edema_ruh - Marvel Cinematic Universe [Archive of Our Own]

Some people think that Peter is Tony's son. Why shouldn't they? Peter seems to be orbiting Tony all the time, and it's not like the billionaire tells him off. They have a nice relationship - Peter is glad to have a father figure, and Tony cares for the kid as if he's actually his son.

The first problem regarding this arises when the people who think that Peter is Tony's son kidnap him for ransom.

The second problem regarding this arises when one of the people who kidnaps Peter turns out to be Mac Gargan, the Scorpion, and he's hungry for revenge.

(161k words)

standing in the gallows - Chapter 1 - parkrstark - Marvel Cinematic Universe [Archive of Our Own]

An enemy from Tony's past comes back to get him. But he does something more painful than hurting him. He takes the most important person to Tony. Tony just doesn't know it yet.

Or the one where Peter is kidnapped and tortured and Tony realizes just how much this kid means to him.

(59k words)

The One Where Peter is Tony's Weakness - JinxQuickfoot - Multifandom [Archive of Our Own]

“I see you are confused. In a moment, I will allow you to look closer. But first, you must understand the position you are in in full.” Banich rolled out an ancient TV screen and, when he turned it on, Tony felt like he’d been kicked in the stomach.

It was Peter. -------------------------------------- A Sokovian doctor needs Tony's help to 'fix' his granddaughter, and Peter gets pulled into the middle of it.

(53k words)

The Iron Forge (Whumptober 2019) - Assayist - Spider-Man (Tom Holland Movies) [Archive of Our Own]

Peter didn’t think his name deserved to be on the patent next to Mr. Stark’s. And he definitely didn’t think taking the wrong drink at the celebration party would end up involving allergic reactions, surgery, poison, kidnapping, some weirdo calling himself the Forge Master, and his very own version of Mr. Stark’s Afghanistan.

Will Peter turn out to be half the inventor Mr. Stark was or will he need to wait for Mr. Stark to come save him? And what will happen when Mr. Stark is threatened and it’s up to Peter to save them both?

(163k words)

Something We Build - Chapter 1 - JolinarJackson - Marvel Cinematic Universe [Archive of Our Own]

You know,” Tony replied, “I heard that Manhattan has neighborhoods, too. I know Hell’s Kitchen is taken but maybe you throw your hat in for Greenwich Village?” “Tony-” “Bowery?” Peter shook his head. “Two Bridges?” Peter huffed a breath and snapped, “Spider-Man’s from Queens!” Tony raised his eyebrows in surprise at his harsh tone and straightened. “Something I said?”

When Peter's adoption by Tony is granted one year after May's tragic death, Peter quickly realizes that becoming the official heir to Stark Industries might mean having to give up on his roots for good. Finding solace in going out again as Spider-Man, Peter's close-knit relationship with Tony is soon challenged when he encounters not just alien weapon dealers, but also what appears to be a vicious serial killer terrorizing the city. When Peter discovers just who the killer’s victims are, he is determined to track them down, going against Tony's wish to keep Spider-Man a low-level neighborhood vigilante ... and unknowingly risks becoming a victim himself.

(84k words)

The Wisdom of Children - Chapter 1 - TunaFishChris - Multifandom [Archive of Our Own]

Nobody's thrilled at the idea of "that kid" Peter Parker on the Avengers team.

Nobody's thrilled at the idea of "that weirdo" Wanda Maximoff on the team, either.

Until they disappear, that is.

Or, the one where Peter and Wanda are besties and the other Avengers are jerks until they realize how important and awesome they both are.

(27k words)

Just a Mouse Stuck in a Glue Trap - Chapter 1 - Spicysauce - Multifandom [Archive of Our Own]

Getting kidnapped was one thing. But getting kidnapped alongside Tony Stark, Bucky Barnes, and Steve Rogers? That was a whole other shitfest entirely. Sure, part of Peter couldn't deny how freakin'coolit was that he was sitting alongside some of Earth's mightiest heroes, but the other, less optimistic part of Peter was starting to realise how he was in more trouble than he could possibly imagine.

***

A secret organisation wants information regarding E.D.I.T.H, Tony Stark's latest artificial intelligence. After kidnapping the people that are most likely to tell them what they want, they start to realise that Peter Parker isn't just your average intern, and he may be the key to breaking the heroes.

(80k words)

Keep Your Enemies Close but Your Friends Closer - Chapter 1 - Lansfics7 - Marvel Cinematic Universe [Archive of Our Own]

Bucky Barnes and Steve Rogers would do absolutely anything for each other. Steve is faced with the toughest decision of his life when offered an ultimatum. Bucky's death on his hands after a mission gone wrong, or trading in Spiderman for his best friend. On the other hand, Tony Stark and Peter Parker would do absolutely anything for each other. So when Peter is kidnapped, Tony will stop at nothing to get the kid back, the kid who's become like a son to him and he swears he will kill whoever is responsible. When the two paths meet...

(71k words)

And You'll Blow Us All Away - Chapter 1 - losingmymindtonight - Multifandom [Archive of Our Own]

Peter Parker had had everything: a mother, a father, an uncle, an aunt. He'd lost them all. All he had left was Tony Stark, and all Tony Stark had left was him. And in the wake of their insurmountable losses, they go about trying to find a family within each other.

(59k words)

where the memories reside - Chapter 1 - swingingparty - Marvel Cinematic Universe [Archive of Our Own]

Peter Parker has been dead for six months.

Six months, three days, and 18 hours.

At least, that's what everyone things. Even Tony Stark, though he'd kill rather than admit it. But then a school in Queens is blown up and suddenly Peter Parker is back on the radar.

Except he's not Peter Parker anymore.

He doesn't even remember who that is.

(112k words)

#peterparker #spiderman #irondad #ao3 #fanfic #kidnapping

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katsukikitten · 4 years ago

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WARNINGS: 18+ DUB CON/ NON CON? WEREWOLF BAKUGOU, THIS IS PURE FILTH JUST PURE SMUT

You were never the best at running, especially not through the woods. So it is no surprise your heel snaps off causing you to trip over a small log. Your pelvis bone connects with the thick trunk, brushing your hip as your dress threatens to expose your underwear.

A howl is heard in the distance paired with something moving through the brush at an ungodly speed, gaining on you much faster than you thought.

"Fuck." You hiss to yourself, panting as branches seem to reach out. Their sharp, splintered claws grabbing at you and only catching your body con dress. Tearing it piece by piece, you are unsure if your faux bunny ears are still atop your head.It was unfathomable how wrong tonight had gone and how quickly.

But then again it was Halloween and a full moon at that. They say the full moon has the power to make people act crazy and especially so on a blue moon. Which made your panicked mind wander to the rumors about this town and what happens every blue moon. There were whispers of the older families having dark secrets. Fairy tales of beasts and mating but a second full moon in a month was so rare those murmurs and scoffs were supposed to be just that, rumors, stories.

Not actual werewolves who couldn't control their urges during this magical event. The blue moon either filling them with unchecked rage or undeniable lust should they not take the necessary precautions. Although no one would say what exactly those precautions are.

Your first hint about the rumors being true should have been the local news station. You thought it a Halloween prank when they advised women ages of 20 to 30 to remain indoors for tonight, to lock their windows and doors. To adorn their throats in silver to protect them from unwanted bonding. You had rolled your eyes as you got ready for your daily college classes, jumping into your black skinny jeans and blood red sweater.

Your second hint should have been the absence of your good friend Kirishima. He always walked you to your English class since his history course was in the same building but this morning he was a no show. He didn't even respond to your texts last night asking if he wanted to go to a Halloween party with you.

Your final hint should have been when the normally aloof, irritable and "untouchable of the big three" lab partner you had for biology growled in your direction. This would be the first thing he had said all semester.

"Don't go out tonight, got it extra?" His voice is clipped and he is acting strange, his left hand gripping onto his right forearm so harshly a bruise was beginning to bloom. You chalk it up to nerves for the upcoming exams.

"Oh is someone gonna bite me like the news anchor said?" You giggle, turning your focus back on your work only for the professor to cancel class early. You pack your things as Bakugou sits rigid, still. He fixes you a harsh glare before he stands, pulling the strap of your purse causing you to become a little off balance. His eyes dance over your frame, over your exposed neck but you do not notice, barely see his canines elongate as he snarls.

"You'll wish that's all that they did."

Looking back you wish you had noticed it before, then maybe you wouldn't be in the situation you were in now.

You burst through the trees and find yourself in a clearing. Here you would a sitting duck to whatever the hell was chasing you. Still not believing your eyes and you crossed paths with a giant wolf. Fur golden in the moon light and eyes a haunting, gut wrenching familiar red. It wasn't too long after that did it give chase.

The howl behind you is too close for comfort as you barely have time to jump into a patch of briars and thick prickly bushes that sit on the edge of a creek. By some odd instinct you grab onto the ice cold mud and smear your arms and part of your neck with it, clenching your jaw so your teeth do not chatter.

Suddenly a large beast bursts into the clearing, wet nose sniffing at the air and ground before it shifts in the clearing under the moonlight. It is a haunting sight. Bones snap and grind as features twist into grotesque angels until it finally forms into that handsome familiar face. The ash blonde fur retreats until it is only on the top of his head, faded beneath while the top looks finger brushed and wild. He is shirtless and his pants are torn from the calf down, the only beastly feature he keeps is the glow of his blood red eyes. You swallow, biting your lip to stop from shaking; this is not the Bakugou you knew. Not that you knew him that well in the first place but there was some power in having a crush. You had learned his mannerisms in the first year here at University, somehow always in a class with him, with one of the three legendary "heartthrobs" of the school. He was as hot headed as the rumors said and he was just as handsome if not more so. Itching for a fight and yet oddly quiet when in close proximity to you. An action you took to mean he either hated you or didn't even know you existed.

So it's safe to say you're unfamiliar with this manic, wolfish grin.

Feral incarnate.

He sniffs the air.

"Where are you little ooooonnne?" He calls cruelly, "I can smell you."

His body goes through the motions of tensing and relaxing, another howl breaks through the eerie silence but this time much farther away. Bakugou's ears perk, his grin twisting in such a way it screams malice, unbridled rage and yet excitement.

"You must be in your mortal heat. Guess I'm not the only one who can smell it. Didn't I tell you not to go out tonight?" His voice is dark, haunting as the wind catches down from you, carrying your scent away from him.

"I knew your dumb ass would ignore me, I took a precaution to that and yet you didn't even bring your fucking purse?!"

Your purse?

Is that how that red cloth and weird silver dollar got into the bottom of your purse?

Bakugou shifts his weight, giving his back to you as he prepares for something coming that you cannot hear. In the meantime you allow your eyes to study his physic, following his scarred back, broad shoulders all the way down to his deadly hands. One of his palms is burned in the shape of a perfect circle, you swallow thickly. The sound causes his ears to twitch and look over his shoulder, making eye contact with you through the brush.

But he does not have time to react as a black furred beast with glowing ruby eyes jumps into the clearing. Sniffing the air wildly before baring his teeth towards Bakugou. The beast huffs and growls before finally shifting into his human form, a cold sweat settles in your bones.

"Where the fuck is she?" You have never heard your friend use a tone so dark as Eijiro continues to pace, keeping his eyes glued to Bakugou.

"Fuck off Kirishima, shes mine."

"I don't see a bonding mark on her yet." Its more a feral growl than anything, "You said you didn't waste your time on mortals."

"I fucking changed my mind. And you know why, her smell is…" He inhales deeply, testing to see how much of you can be sensed. The most he can tell is that you're close by but he cannot pinpoint you, he fights to keep his eyes from falling over his shoulders to see you.

He's dying to know how you masked your scent without with an Alpha's pheromones or a silver piece. But that would have to wait, at least if he wanted to ensure it was his seed that stuffed you. He bites his lip, the thought sends a shiver down his spine. First he had to deal with Kirishima then he could take his time making you his.

"Well you know how it is don't ya? Didn't know you were such a pervert, Eiji. Is that why you walked her to class? Hoping she'd make you her boyfriend or some sappy shit?" Bakugou taunts, head tilting in mock question, "Guess you can't hold back anymore can you? Dreaming about giving her your knot?"

Kirishima bares his teeth, fighting the urge to buck at another Alpha, especially one he knows he will have to fight with full force. He opens his sharp toothed mouth to retort but yet another beast finds it's way into the clearing coming from the opposite of Kirishima but to the right of Bakugou.

The beast looks wild, heterochromatic eyes glisten beneath the full moon as white and red fur clash all the way down his spine. A collar around his throat catches the light as a broken chain drags across the ground, there are shackles around his wrists and ankles as well. Bakugou smirks, adrenaline fueling his excitement over what is about to be a damn good fight.

"You watchin little slut? Look at what your scent can do." He changes his stance into that of a fight, "You've got two normally non aggressive Aplahs ready to get their asses handed to them and for fucking what?"

The three of them shift their eyes and bodies this way and that before Bakugou licks his teeth.

"God I can't wait to bury my face in that soaked pussy." He lunges, transforming mid leap into a hauntingly powerful wolf. His teeth are exposed, lip curled up in a snarl as his targets Kirishima first. Kirishima barely shape shifts in time, pearly white teeth sink deep into his shoulder before gnashing at his throat. Deafening growls and yowling surround the clearing. Kirishima attempts to kick Bakugou off of him as they tumble closer to who you assume is Todoroki who bares his teeth. He launches himself at the other Alphas. His teeth find purchase in Bakugou's shoulder, blood staining white and blonde fur a like. There is no yelp or howl, just a stomach churning growl before Bakugou turns his attention towards the two toned wolf. Snapping his jaw as he attempts to get a grip on the chained wolf who dodges. Bakugou's teeth gleam with dripping crimson, a snarl of warning before he propels himself towards Todoroki. Sharp teeth bite at two toned fur as Shoto bares his teeth, growling, snapping his jaw at his opponent. Kirishima begins to get to his feet, limping as he avoid putting weight onto one of his front legs, crimson drips down onto the chilled dirt. He keeps his ruby red eyes on the two dancing wolves.

Bakugou strikes faster than Todoroki can dodge, and angry teeth clamp down at Todoroki's throat. The collar snaps from the force before Bakugou sinks his fangs deep into Todoroki's throat.

An ear ringing yelp is heard as blood pools into Bakugou's stained muzzle, white fur marred in crimson as Todoroki begins to sway. As the hot head's jaw is locked onto tender flesh, Kirishima attacks. Biting at the nape of Bakugou's neck and yanking him from Todoroki with force, tossing him with ease. The light colored wolf flies into trees snapping the thick oaks as if they were twigs. Buying some time for the two injured wolves, any other alpha would have seen this as a win, knowing the two from rival families would retreat to lick their wounds.

But Bakugou was no normal alpha. This gut clenching fight taught you as much. Todoroki struggles to keep consciousness, his throat dripping an insane amount of blood. He falls to his side huffing almost wheezing before he shifts back into human form, shackles shrinking to readjust to his wrists. Kirishima whines nudging at the unconscious, possibly dead man. All the while crimson red eyes peer through the unsettled dust before soaring through the air, landing on top of the black wolf. Pinning his back onto the ground as dark paws claw at bared teeth. Trying desperately to keep him at bay but with one fucked front paw it is a futile attempt. Quickly Bakugou overpowers him, sinking his teeth too deep into his friend's throat and keeping his muzzle there until the whining and yelping stops. Until he too shifts back to his human form.

You fight to keep your own whimpering in, still hidden in the brush while you hoped, prayed that he somehow got disoriented. That he forgot where you were.

His head snaps towards you, mouth dripping saliva and thick red blood. His eyes glow as his stalks closer. He stops just before the underbrush shifting back into that devilishly handsome face. He is soaked in blood, scratches line his face and chest. He wipes at his mouth but not once does his fist wipe away the cocky smile he holds.

He scares you but what scares you most is how your body is reacting to such a gruesome sight. A muscular man dripping in sticky red, droplets tracing the outline of his abs and a smile of triumph as two people lie wounded, possibly dead behind him. It made your pussy throb, the strength, the raw need and want to win and for what? For you, for your essence and the promise of a futile womb.

He can smell your fear as he yanks you from the bushes and thorns.

"Don't worry, it's not my blood." He grins, pulling you closer to him as you try to push away. Just like you're trying to push away these odd feelings that swirl in your chest, in your stomach; of a weird pride and arousal. It was of no use, like pushing dead weight up a forty five degree hill, this too was a losing battle.

"K..kirishima." Your eyes are glued to his unmoving body, causing a deep rage to form in Bakugou's chest. He grips your chin forcing you to look at him his other hand goes straight for your sex, cupping the underwear allowing his fingers to swipe over the damp fabric.

"Don't you ever say his fucking name while you're wet for me. Got it?" His fingers are causing divots in your cheeks as you whimper from his contrasting touch. Harsh grip, soft strokes. As if reading your mind he takes a deep breath, not meaning to inhale so much of you.

"They ain't dead, you're worth the trouble. But not that much trouble. Now focus on me." He let's go of you, drinking you in smirking when he sees your costume. Or what's left of it anyway.

Thick irony that you would choose to be a bunny of all nights. He fingers the fake ears with earnest.

"Fitting." He purrs before taking both of his hands to the front collar of your dress, ripping the fabric from your torso. He growls audibly mumbling to himself "Much better." As you stand with your tits exposed, your lacy underwear catching his attention beneath fishnet tights. He bites his bottom lip, pulling you to him as he buries his face into your tits. Nipping sucking and biting as he eases your buckling legs towards the ground.

"Fuuuuck." He groans, pressing his cheek harshly against yours, trying to scent you as best he can without claiming you fully. It's hard, fuck is it hard. It always has been, since his first class with you.

You weren't a beta nor an omega. Hell you were of no wolf relation and yet you reeked, oozed of pheromones that drove him and apparently the others mad. He had tried to protect you, he really had, scenting a piece of an old t-shirt and even burning himself on silver.

He wanted you, he needed you, his cock ached for you. Weeping now at your arousal making his canines ache with an even greater pain.

But you were fucking mortal and he was betrothed. Technically all three of the aplahs in that clearing were betrothed to omegas. It was evident your smell seduced them as well.

He brings himself to your shoulder, biting hard enough to draw blood, claws, stuck halfway between human and wolf, rake down your back and ass making ribbons of the flesh. Still you moan and he occasionally swallows those whole as he kisses you. Letting you taste copper as his tongue placates yours, he subconsciously secretes soothing and lustful hormones and they are strong enough to make even you high. His hand finds your nipple and when you arch into him he loses his shit. Breaking the kiss to sniff you, nosing and biting until he finds that sweet spot. He opens his mouth, salivating at the thought as his teeth and cock beg for relief. He freezes, squeezing you to him for a moment. The action causes your ribs to creak in protest and yet you feel warm, safe.

His mouth hovers over your pulse point, the salty sweet taste of you, breaths away from the exact spot he would need to sink his aching teeth into to make you his.

In a quick motion and a test of will he shoves you onto your back, ripping at the fabric between your thighs after he forces your legs open. You do nothing to stop him, not that could.

Not that you would.

He slips his tongue between your folds and licks up, swirling the wet muscle when you buck against him. He hooks his arms around your legs gaining control over your hips and eats.

See Bakugou is a glutton and he will not stop until he is satisfied. It would be a gift and a curse for you.

He works his mouth against you thoroughly as the coil in your stomach snaps over and over again. Your hand fisting his hair as you cry out in hoarse gasps, legs shaking around his head, thighs squeezing his skull as he coaxes another high from you.

Your entire body is shaking, worn out already from however long he sucked, nipped and lapped at your core. Finally he seemed to come up for air but only to watch your sex convulse. He looks up to you causing your heart to skip a beat. His hair is that much more wild, his intense gaze glowing red in the low light and his face glistens with your slick.

"Fuck!" You cry out, letting your head fall back into the ground.

"What's wrong bunny? Can't handle a little head?" He shoves two fingers deeply into you making a come here motion. You ride another body quaking high as he tries to stretch you to accommodate him. His breathing becomes frantic, as he chases a smell you're emitting. Thrusting harshly into you as his other hand abusesyour clit until that deliciously addicting smell he's chasing crescendos. Your scream echoes in the woods as clear liquid shoots over Bakugou's forearms, all the while you held fluttering eye contact, practically melting in his hands. His fangs grow and he cannot hold himself back any longer. He shoves his pants all the way down, even off of his ankles as he sinks his lengthy girth into you in a snap of his hips. A mixture of pain and pleasure shoot through you like a live wire as you begin to mewl, needing him to move.

"More, more." You whine, tears prick your eyes as he smiles a deadly smirk.

"You're such a talkative cock sleeve. You want my knot that bad? Then take it." He thrusts into you setting a deep harsh pace. Alternating between quick succession and slow deep throats. Biting at the skin of your chest and shoulders, torturing you in such a way.

Punishing you for being mortal.

"Why?" It's a guttural growl as your mind is lost on another plane, "Why do you have to be mortal?"

He emphasizes each word with a thrust of his hips earning him a lovely raspy moan from you.

"I want to...to fucking mark you. Make you mine. The thought of any other alpha or even fucking human touching you…." His thoughts have him chasing two very dangerous highs, snapping his hips so he comes closer to your throat.

"Please...please Bakugou." You whimpering encourages him.

He breathes you in, tasting you without even a flicker of his tongue. Your arousal, your damp hair sticking to the column of your throat, the faint scent of your shampoo.

Somehow he reigns himself in again. Teeth elongated enough they almost scrape your skin. His breath comes out hot and heavy as you squirm beneath him for friction, wanting nothing more than to be filled. If he does this, if he makes you his mate, it would surely complicate everything.

"You have to tell me you want it." He's panting, vulnerable as he looks at you, your heart shatters from the look. Deafening reason and logic as it screams how badly you want to be his and he yours.

"Not just because it feels fucking good right now." His voice is husky, rasped as he fights the weight of his instincts, "Not because I'm fucking hot or a novelty to you mortals. If I mark you, you'll always feel something for me and vice versa. We'll be tethered and attracted to one another even if we fucking hate each other."

Slowly you nod, again he grabs onto your chin, sliding it down to your throat as he squeezes.

"This isn't some good acid trip, this isnt some fucking dream. You'll have to meet the elders. You'll have to deal with my ruts." Again he's panting, shaking from holding himself back, having half a mind to just kill you. Still you do not move away from his touch.

"My jealousy. My rage. My need for territory control. I'll come home dripping in blood. I'll kill other Alpahs." He breathes your name in such a way you clench around him. He growls from the sensation. You struggle to speak beneath his grip, head floating but some how in the right spot.

"I...I can handle it. Mark me Bakugou Katsuki. Fucking make me yours, fill me use me. Just…" He stares into your eyes until he can no longer take it. Pounding into you in a harsh pace, finally giving in

"You'll take my knot like a good slut won't you?" His eyes watch you nod before they fall to your breasts. Watching them bounce from the force of his thrusts. His hips turn sloppy as your high builds again. You claw at his back and his smells your high as he tries to time it right. He sinks his teeth into your throat, keeping it just a hair above a marking.

You feel a growing pressure as his tip stretches you even more until he finally sinks his teeth into you with a grown. His thrusts stuttering as hot ropes paint your walls. Your cunt flutters around it as all you can do is become limp in his grip. His arms are fully around you, his mouth still to your throat as he slowly eases up. His body giving off a bonding hormone so strong that even your moral senses can pick up on. It you drown in a high scented in spice caramel and heat. He pants heavily, his arms shaking as he kisses you fiercely, teeth bumping into yours before he pulls back.

Weakly you claw at him to hold him as he whispers praises. He lifts you, pulling you towards his chest to keep you safe as you begin to drift. His mouth is pressed to your ear and you can hear the cocky smile in his voice.

"Get some rest while you still can mate." His hand snakes around to your stomach, his fingers lightly caressing the skin.

"We aren't done until you're carrying my pups."

Tags

@katsukisprincess @avellanagamer100 @bakugotrashpanda my number one fan

#bakugo x reader #bakugou x reader #bnha x reader #bakugou katsuki #bnha au #dub con #non con #werewolf bakugou #werewolf bakugo #alpha bakugou #bnha alpha

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vani-lla-boi · 2 years ago

Text

a rant about my life these days

i feel like good things are starting to happen to me.

i finally ordered my first stp and harness to wear it with today. i'm excited to learn how to use it. i'd been debating for a month or two about which exact brand and type i wanted, but today i was like you know what? it's been a long enough wait. i want to have this and i'll be happy with whatever style i decide on.

these past few months have been so great for me. i've started testosterone, i've gotten my first real binders (and not just sports bras), i've gotten in my first relationship. and best of all i've done all these things on my own. it makes me feel so independent and capable of pursuing things i want in life.

elaborating on the relationship part: my boyfriend is cis and he tries his best to understand what i tell him about being trans. but he doesn't have much common sense about these things. i shouldn't rant about that in this post (i probably will post in the future about my experience though). the important thing is that he's learning. i think i'm lucky to have someone who knows there's room for improvement.

regarding being trans, recently i've felt less dysphoria than before as i've been realizing how pointless gender seems to me. like i am indeed a man, but it's so strange that people treat me differently based on what gender they see me as. i hate when i see items or even webpages pointlessly gendered "for men" or "for women". being trans makes me realize how similar people are regardless of their gender. in a sense it makes me feel like i can connect with everyone, but also barely anyone cause like why do cis people think there's some massive scale fundamental differences like men and women are different species? where does that put nonbinary people? don't ask me how they think.

school has been ok these past few months. i've always been continuously stressed about classes. my major is biology and a lot of the classes i need fill up quickly. i realized today that i fucked up one part of my current schedule for the fall, but i was able to determine that it won't hurt me too badly in the future--only potentially missing out on a class that sounds interesting if i can't get this fixed which i have a lot of time to do.

honestly i'm thinking of taking a gap year between when i graduate (2024) and starting grad school. i'm going into healthcare so i have to take a lot of classes before grad school. which sucks because i've already changed my major and fucked up which classes i took several times in the past. so maybe it's ok to just take it slow. i don't even know what i want to be yet: nurse, PT, PA? i'd be happy with any of my options.

and finally, i did get called "sir" today. i love being gendered correctly in public. it means some random stranger is so sure of my gender that they would say it out loud. of course passing is not necessary to being trans but it makes me feel seen. it just brightened my day enough for me to mention here.

thanks for letting me rant. sometimes i feel like i can't get all my thoughts out without boring people lol. as long as i keep this going it won't be awkward or anything for me to post, it'll just be normal lol. have a good day and a happy 4th of july!

#ftm #trans ftm #trans #transgender #lgbt #lgbtq

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cancerbiophd · 4 years ago

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Hey! I’m sure this is a question you get asked a lot but how did you decide that a PhD was for you? I’m about to enter the last year of my undergrad and have really enjoyed the lab work I’ve done previously but it feels like a rather large commitment when I’m not 100% sure I’m going to end up in research at the end of it. I was just wondering how you knew it was what you wanted to do!

Hello!

I actually have never been asked that question before, which was surprising for me too. I get a lot of “how did you know lab research was right for you”, but never specifically about how I knew a PhD was right for me (or maybe I did and I just didn’t answer it well), so I’m really glad you asked!

As you said, it really does come down to answering yes to both these statements:

The career path I want is best accomplished with a PhD

I am willing to commit to the challenging journey of 5-6 years of grad school (+1-3 years of being a post-doc, if applicable to your field)

So here are the reasons how I knew getting a PhD was the best past for me:

I loved research. And I loved research beyond just doing benchwork--I loved the brainstorming, the experimental design, the analyzing of results, the troubleshooting of the unexpected, the dissecting of both broad and fine details as you solve a puzzle, the moment when you realize you just discovered something no one else has ever seen before, and communicating those exciting results. I was infatuated. When I was working as a lab tech in a cancer research lab after undergrad there were nights where I couldn’t sleep because my brain just would not stop brainstorming new ideas and questions about my research. I told that to a current grad student in the lab at the time and he was like “You know what that means? You have the mind of a grad student.”

And I wanted to broaden my skillsets. I could do a few techniques really well, but I really wanted to learn more, and I also wanted to learn more about those techniques--why do this, and not an alternative? What would happen if we tried this? I wanted to explore more.

Going off of that, I wanted to keep learning. And not just looking up wikipedia articles by myself; I wanted formal training (because I had no idea what I needed to learn). And I’ve always been good at learning in a classroom setting so I knew I would excel at that part in grad school.

It would lead me to the career path I wanted, which was to work at a biotech company as a leader of a research team and then become a consultant. True, a PhD is not required for that in many cases, but a PhD would better prepare me for those roles

I enjoyed writing and orally communicating about my research. PhD’s do metric ton of writing (grants, papers, reports, etc) and oral presentations (conferences, meetings, collaborations, etc). And I really enjoyed (and was good at) all that.

I wanted to be in a position where I could lead and mentor. As someone with the highest degree in the room, institutions look to the PhDs for direction. So PhDs will become leaders--whether it’s a lab of their own in academia, or a team in an industry setting, etc. Even grad students have undergrads, or have to TA. And I was ready for, and wanted, all that.

I was good at wearing a lot of hats. PhDs don’t just do a singular task; during grad school we learn to be versatile (you have to be in an academic lab setting), and that versatility carries through later as we become excellent multitaskers and are good at adapting to new challenges. And as someone who has always successfully juggled school and work and multiple extracurriculars, and had experience being a rockin lab manager (in the lab I worked in after undergrad), I knew I was up to it.

I loved working by myself but I also loved working as a team--and that’s a necessity for research in general, even for non-PhDs, but PhDs are more likely to have to excel at both.

I was mentally, physically, emotionally, and financially ready for the challenges and commitment of 5-6 years of grad school (plus 1-3 years of being a post-doctoral fellow, if applicable). Grad school is tough as balls, and you have to be just as tough, or at least have the resources to help you. I took a gap year of 2.5 years after undergrad to a) figure out what the heck I wanted to do/get research experience and b) mature to the point where I could be ready for something like grad school. I feel that working as a full-time lab tech really allowed me to immerse myself into the closest setting of a grad student in my field as possible. Being there 40 hrs/week really is different than when you’re an undergrad researcher popping in for 2 hours/day. I also took a grad-level class to see if I could mentally balance class and research. I know that’s obviously not an option available to everyone (nor is it necessary), but that’s just how I knew that every part of me could handle the rigors of grad school.

Going off of that, I had a lot of grit and discipline. Sometimes that’s all you have left to get you through the day in grad school when everything else feels depleted. Grad students do a lot of things they’re not motivated to do, but we gotta get it done anyway, and sometimes grit is all we have to make our limbs move.

PhD holders and PhD students at the time were telling me I’d be great at pursuing one. They know better than anyone what it takes, and they knew I was ready.

Also dang, I’d be lying if I said money didn’t play a role in it. I graduated college in 2011 during the grand ol recession, and the job market stunk. I saw that options for biology majors were slim to none (I was extremely lucky to have found my lab tech job), so I knew I had to either wait it out until the job market bounced back, or make myself a more attractive candidate for the workforce, or both! (Let’s not talk about the economy during Covid lol). Also, the thought of making over 100k with a PhD was attractive. Don’t let anyone tell you otherwise, but money does buy happiness, because money buys food and a roof over your head and warm clothes and healthcare and hobbies so uh, yeah, I did get the highest degree possible partially for the money.

So why not a Masters? That’s a good question!! And the truth is: I didn’t know I could accomplish most of what I wanted with a Masters. And that was my fault for not doing my own research, but I think I was just.. surrounded by PhDs (both in my academic lab setting and in my family) and the thought of doing a Masters never really occurred to me. Also, idk, I knew in my heart and in my bones I wanted a PhD, so I’m not sure if I would be happy with a Masters.

Lastly, because this list is personal to me, getting a PhD would get me off my mom’s shit-list and end her endless emotional abuse towards me being worthless, etc. Long story, but yeah, it did factor into it as kind of a bonus point.

So thar’s my spiel.

One last thing I want to add: though continuing research is the most common career path for PhD holders, it’s not the only one. Here’s what else is available for PhDs (from the book Career Opportunities in Biotechnology and Drug Development by Toby Freedman)

If the image is hard to see, there are 4-ish main branches, and then some sub-branches (and even more specialized sub-branches that aren’t labeled):

R&D: Discovery research, preclinical research, bio/pharmaceutical product development, project management, clinical development, regularly affairs, medical affairs

Services: Recruiting, law, venture capital & banking, management consulting

Operations: Bio IT, quality, operations

Commercial Operations: Business development, corporate communications, product support, sales, marketing

And that’s just in the industry sector--academia, government, and non-academia/non-govt research institutions are also obviously available as career choices, though those would focus more on R&D (and also teaching).

You obviously don’t need to know the specifics of your career path before committing to grad school, but I think you should have a general idea that what you want to do would best be accomplished with a PhD.

If you’re still on the fence, I would advise:

Talking to more grad students or degree holders--both PhD and Masters (our Gradblr Discord is great for that!)--to paint a bigger picture.

Informational interviews are also great, especially if you’re interested in learning more about those career paths above.

You can also explore the field a bit more in-person by starting off with a Masters (less time commitment than a PhD, though more expensive), or an entry-level research job like I did.

Best of luck!

#genestudies #grad advice #job advice

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501st-verified · 5 years ago

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Headcanon AU The 501st run a military reform school for troubled youths they are strict firm but great with the cadet students

I’ll take this as a headcannon just for what kind of teachers some of our favorite troopers would be, since I have so many one-shots in waiting. First time doing a headcannon like this, so tell me your opinions... if you see a certain clone differently, I’m open to hear it!

SO, these are some of the boys teaching at the

501st Military Academy

▭▫︎▭▫︎▭▫︎▭▫︎▭▫︎▭▫︎▭▫︎▭▫︎▭▫︎▭▫︎▭

Rex: Captain/Military History/JROTC

Rex is a military captain teaching at the school. He is a military history and JROTC instructor.

He is definitely a strict teacher but he’s also pleasant. When he teaches, it is straight-to-the-point and no-nonsense (though if you pay close attention during his classes, you’ll catch a joke or two in some). He is a fair person and tries not to show any blatant preferences towards certain students over others, but sometimes it can slip through. Out of class, he’s actually exactly the same with his students but he will happily interact with the other teachers.

It has become his habit to refrain from belittling troublesome students (unless they are really that bad), in favour of throwing hints and suggestions of what to do and what not to do. He’ll usually pull the student aside after class to talk about what they did wrong.

His teaching methods are often frowned upon by his colleagues. They find him to be much too easy-going for a captain and instructor at a military academy. But it doesn’t stop him from being the teacher he is all while bringing up the best future soldiers.

Kix: Biology/Physical Science

Kix was a field surgeon before coming to teach biology and physical science at the school.

He is a pleasant teacher most of the time but if you get on his bad side... it won’t be too good for you. His classes are made to be educational yet enjoyable because he’s found that if he teaches sciences with a good dose of humour and relatable points, the students will recieve it better.

He is very passionate about his profession. If anyone- be it a student, teacher, or some random person on the street -insults his work or makes an obviously incorrect statement, he will pounce on it and set them right.

Out of classes, he’s a cheerful person. He’ll chat with students who seem interested in his class or you may find him visiting the school’s one drama club.

Dogma: Drill Sergeant/Government

Dogma is a drill sergeant and government teacher.

He is one of the most reserved teachers in the whole school. Most students who get him see him during training first, so he’s shouting in their faces and screaming orders, but then they go to his government class and find a surprisingly timid teacher. A lot of students have tried to pick on him for being so quiet but he usually just sets them in their rightful place as peacefully as possible.

Students also try to break rules around him during his government classes but he’s memorized the entirety of the school’s rules and regulations. He’ll calmly ask the troublemakers to open his famous big book of rules and flip to the page he knows lists the rules on whatever they’re doing and their corresponding punishment.

His relationship with his colleagues is mostly strained. On occasion, he’ll strike up a conversation with Tup or Hardcase, but that’s pretty much it. He’s very intimidated by the rest of the teachers.

Hardcase: Explosives Engineering/Special Ed

Hardcase is the explosive engineering and special education teacher. And he really enjoys being able to teach.

His explosives engineering class is one of the best classes in the school. It’s one of the most hands-on, loud, and well, explosive classes they have. He loves to demonstrate a lot of what he teaches. Of course, he never harms the students or himself because he keeps everything at a safe distance.

If you’re a bad student, you won’t be bad with him. Some have tried it but usually fail since he’s just too happy to notice. That being said, it is possible another teacher will find his students doing things they aren’t supposed to and bring it up with him, and he won’t even know what they’re talking about.

He does take time to help special ed students since he was one himself. He has ADHD and understands the difficulties that come with having special needs. All of his students enjoy him and aren’t too shy to ask him questions; he always makes himself open for them.

Outside of the classroom, he chats with everyone. All the staff members have talked with him. He fancies himself a friend to everyone he meets and loves to share his crazy knowledge.

Fives: Current Events/Woodworking/Theatre

Fives is a current events and woodworking teacher. He is also the co-head of the drama club with Jesse.

His classes are fun. Very fun. He’s very friendly with his students, especially the ones that really enjoy their classes. He enjoys speaking on current events so much that his lessons usually end up being similar to gossip groups, if you will, and a lot of the students just love it. His woodworking class gives him the chance to share his love of creating new things with people. He works closely with Jesse for their classes because of them having the same dramatic flair.

He is for the most part, a jubilant teacher. There are times where students will say the wrong thing or treat him in a manner he does not wish to be treated, and since he’s the type to quickly eliminate any problem he finds, he will immediately put his foot down.

The drama club he runs with Jesse is constantly festive. They rarely get to put on plays since the school doesn’t appreciate those too much but whenever they get the chance, they do. Now, Fives runs the theatre section of the group, so he takes Jesse’s group’s poems and plays and has his students enact them. It’s heaps of fun, especially when he gets to bring costumes.

He’s the same way inside and outside of the classroom. You’ll often see him joking around with fellow teachers and staff members, but also students too. There have been many times where he is asked to stop being so friendly because this is a military school, but he’ll usually prove whoever asks him wrong. He can be super friendly and properly discipline at the same time. His students are some of the best.

Echo: Calculus/Computer Programming

Echo is a calculus and computer programming teacher.

His classes will at first seem quite dreary but they aren’t, you just have to pay attention. He’s not the most fun teacher you’ll find at the school but he’s definitely not boring either. His classes are made to be interesting for everyone but he does teach math, so his students aren’t usually as enthusiastic as him. He does have good humour, but you’d only like it if you’re into the classes he teaches. Other than that, a typical sarcastic comment, smile, or laugh from him is the most you’ll find funny.

He does not have a hard time disciplining his students and will whenever necessary, but his students behave for the most part. Outside of the classroom, he’s usually visiting the drama club or training groups to participate or just observe.

Jesse: Nationalism Studies/Creative Writing

Jesse is a nationalism studies and creative writing instructor. He’s the co-head of the drama club with Fives.

His nationalism studies class is too extra. He never just simply teaches, he always has to do some demonstration of the lesson. There are many times where he even has Fives and the drama club come through to help organize parades for each topic they start, so by the end of the unit, his students can teach the rest of the school with a fun march and song.

He loves to write and enjoys teaching others to as well. His creative writing class is even more extra than his other class. The pieces they conjure up in that classroom can be found taped up around the school, being used for plays or other performances, and even read out by someone at the beginning of the school day. Most of his students you can find also in the drama club, because they just really develop this energy and enthusiasm for being creative.

Outside of the classroom, it’s almost like he’s still teaching. Even his colleagues have to deal with his chatter about the poems and songs he and his students have made. During most of his freetime, he’s hanging out with Kix but he does also find himself around Tup, Echo, and Fives. Rex tries to avoid getting caught up in a conversation with him.

Tup: Physical Education/Gymnastics

Tup is a physical education and gymnastics teacher at the school.

He is very fit and it shows with how energetic he can be during physical education. His classes usually tend to be him and Dogma. Dogma does the shouting and he does the training. Where students are behind and he doesn’t notice, Dogma is usually there to fix them up. He tries very hard to be as strict as some of his other colleagues, and most of the time he has it right, but here and there you may find him being easy on a student by nature.

He is the only gymnastics teacher they have since he is the one who started the class. It took him a while to convince the board to let him start it in the first place, but they eventually let him under the circumstances that it doesn’t take from the students’ proper behaviour and he fund the class himself. He enjoys incorporating the gymnastics he teaches into the combat skills his students already have, usually demonstrating how his flexibility aids in hand-to-hand combat.

Hawk: Aerospace Engineering

Hawk is the aerospace engineering teacher at the school.

Though he specializes in engineering, he does sometimes offer flight classes for qualified students. He is a pilot himself. His classes aren’t the most fun for people who don’t enjoy the topic, but only about three of his sub-topics are mandatory for all students to learn. He doesn’t usually teach those to students who don’t sign up though; another teacher who can will do it.

He isn’t always at the school because his class is only taught during the summer, so it’s usually only students who stay year-round or sign up for the summer classes that will see him on campus. Other teachers do see him from time to time at meetings and whenever they do, they enjoy his company. Everyone who does get a chance at conversing with Hawk are entertained by his flight stories of where he flies to, who and what he’s transported before, and the things he has seen.

#headcannons #501st #501stlegion #sw tcw #swtcw #tcw #captain rex #clone trooper kix #clone trooper dogma #clone trooper hardcase #arc trooper fives #arc trooper echo #clone trooper jesse #clone trooper tup #clone pilot hawk #best

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deanstop13billyjoeltraxx · 4 years ago

Text

Superposition

a deancas college roommate au :)

Chapter 8 is up on AO3! Chapter-by-chapter masterlist here.

CW: mentions of verbal abuse, homophobia, alcoholism, jail time. instances of smoking.

some notes: I usually go through and italicize as necessary when I’m posting on tumblr because it doesn’t copy over from my og text, but this chapter is like 6200 words and i’m just not gonna do that. recommend reading on AO3 for the best experience!!

An Exercise in Futility

Three Years Earlier

Castiel was convinced that his life was one massive, cosmic joke.

He’d been considering the possibility for some time. Being the gay son of a homophobic pastor does that to a person. When he discovered, sometime around the age of twelve, that the girls in his Sunday school class were far less interesting than the boys, he could practically feel God laughing at him. Then there was high school, where the religious prattling was replaced by what felt like endless torment at the hands of his peers.

He felt like college was quickly becoming the third punchline.

Not that things were bad. Things were good, actually, better than they’d been in years. He was learning about things he cared about. He passed his midterms with flying colors. He even had friends. He spent a weekend watching all of the Lord of the Rings with Charlie. He had switched seats in accounting to sit next to Meg.

And, of course, there was Dean. Dean, who dragged Cas to a football game and didn’t drink a sip of alcohol the whole time in solidarity; Dean, who, after Tombstone, insisted on movie night every Tuesday; Dean, who, demanded that Cas print out a copy of one of his short stories and sign it (“When you’re a famous douchebag, this is gonna be worth so much money”).

It seemed that, on all fronts, Castiel had finally capitalized on the collegiate promise of a second chance.

But by his own estimation, he was doomed.

Because sometimes, his palms started sweating when Dean stood too close. Sometimes, his heartbeat skipped when Dean threw an arm across Cas’s shoulders. Sometimes, Cas woke up from a dream so vivid, he was disappointed to find himself alone in his bunk bed.

He could see how easy it would be to fall in love with Dean Winchester, what with the blond hair and green eyes, bright smiles and southern lilt, funny jokes and considerate actions. The prospect was utterly terrifying, and Castiel was doing everything in his power to stop dwelling on it.

He’d been down the “falling in love with your straight best friend” road before. AP biology class brought Cas a lab partner in Ben Wright. Soccer team captain, A-student, all around nice guy. Maybe Ben didn’t do anything to stop the constant verbal torment, but he never took part in it. At first, being around him was exhilarating. Sharing looks, catching smiles, trading inside jokes; Cas was intoxicated. He was so high on first love that he made the mistake of confiding in Bartholomew. Cas had always considered him to be a role model, friend and brother at the same time. But that night, when Cas came out, Bartholomew looked at him like one might look at spoiled food. He’d agreed not to tell their father, on the condition that Cas never speak about the matter again, that he figure out some way to “cleanse himself.” They hadn’t spoken since that night.

And so the feelings that once propelled Castiel to school with anticipation suddenly made him dread it. Not only did baring his soul to a brother get him a one-way ticket to estrangement, but Ben started dating someone else, a girl from his English class. Now every shared look was painful, smiles were false, inside jokes stopped being funny.

It was somehow worse, knowing Ben could never feel the same way. It certainly didn’t help the feelings of guilt and shame brought by his family.

Cas would do anything not to feel that way again.

He started by insisting that Dean invite Benny and Charlie to more of their nightly dinners. And while he honestly liked the both of them, he would be lying if he didn’t admit that their presence was, first and foremost, a distraction from Dean. He took up running again, as a way to get himself out of the dorm when Dean decided to stay in. He spent more time studying with Meg.

Meg was shockingly easy to befriend. She wasn’t nice — Cas had watched in shock when, once, she dumped a hot coffee on a skateboarder who had knocked her down on accident — but she never said a mean thing to Castiel. She was like him: a black sheep, the child everyone wished they could forget. Only, where Cas had become an agnostic and gone to college, Meg had become a Satanist and gone to jail for arson.

But this was her new leaf, she told him. Maybe it didn’t matter why someone needed a second chance, only that they were willing to take one.

They had been working for an hour when she threw her pen at his head and said, “Cas, you should come with me to Sig Ep’s Halloween party tomorrow. Be my date.”

Cas took a moment to process the meaning of party + date + with Meg. “Uh, I don’t — well, um, parties aren’t really —”

She raised an eyebrow at him. “You’re allowed to say no, hun.”

Cas panicked. Meg was looking at him expectantly, her resigned smile making it clear she was prepared for rejection.

“Well, I… It’s not because of you — you’re very beautiful, and smart. Actually, you’re one of the most wonderful people I’ve met here.” She grinned at that. “It’s just, I don’t really… Go on dates. With girls.”

She studied him a moment before understanding lit up her face. “Oh.”

Castiel fidgeted with his pencil, refusing to meet her eyes. He’d only ever done this once, and it hadn’t gone well. But he liked having a friend, and more than that, he liked having Meg as a friend. He didn’t want her to think he wasn’t interested because of any fault of her own.

“Cas,” she said. When he didn’t respond, she poked him in the arm. “Castiel.” He raised his eyes. “It’s cool. It’s not like you can just choose to like girls when a pretty one asks you on a date.”

“I… Understand, if you would rather not be friends,” Cas said, cautiously.

“What?” Meg’s eyes widened. “What are you talking about? Why would I not want to be friends?” She laughed a little. “That would be super ironic, considering I told you I went to juvie and you didn’t bat an eye.”

“Because I’m gay,” Cas said quietly, looking down again.

Meg grabbed both his hands. “Cas, hun, there’s nothing wrong with being gay.”

He looked up again, eyes wide. “What? I mean, I know that, I just… Not everyone does.”

Meg smiled sadly at him and gripped his hands a little tighter. “Well, I do. No biggie. We’re going to be iconic together, you and I. Sexiest gay-straight alliance of all time.”

Cas smiled weakly, relief flooding his entire body. “Thank you, Meg. I’m sorry, I didn’t intend to make any judgements on your character. It’s just… This,” he motioned at the air between them, “has never gone well for me.”

Meg shook her head. “That’s a shame,” she said. “I haven’t known you that long. But I think I can tell that you — all the parts of you — are awesome.”

“You can still come to the party,” she added after a moment.

Cas shook his head, capping and uncapping his pen repeatedly. “Parties… They’re not really my scene.”

“All right. You know who to call if you change your mind.”

On Halloween, Castiel returned from his nightly run to find Dean pulling on a flannel. He checked his watch — he had barely made it. 6:57 pm.

“Right on time,” Dean said. “I was about to leave without you.”

“I would have never forgiven you if you did,” Cas joked. Then, “Are Charlie and Benny coming?”

“Nah, they’re both busy tonight. Halloween parties, you know.”

“Oh.” Castiel took a large sip of his water. “You’re not attending a Halloween party?”

Dean shrugged. “Wasn’t really feeling it tonight. Plus, I have a feeling you’ve never seen The Exorcist?” When Cas shook his head, Dean rubbed his hands together. “Oh man, we are totally watching it tonight. Unless you’re busy,” he added, raising his eyebrows at Cas.

“I’m not,” Cas replied. Dean knew this already, of course, otherwise Cas might have made something up. The waters in which he tread got more dangerous each day. He couldn’t escape the warm feeling flooding his chest at the idea of Dean ditching the parties for a movie night.

It was precisely that feeling that caused him to hurriedly ask, “Would you mind if I invited Meg to dinner?”

“Who?” Dean asked, lacing up his boots.

“Meg Masters. She’s the friend from accounting that I told you about.”

“Ah,” Dean said. “Right. What, just me isn’t good enough anymore?” Cas thought he was joking, but it seemed forced.

“Dean —”

“I’m kidding, man,” Dean said with a short laugh. “Sure, she can come.”

Castiel hurriedly splashed his face with cold water and shed his sweaty t-shirt in favor of a hoodie. Dean feigned a sniff in his direction and made a face, to which Cas replied with an eye-roll. As they left their dorm, Cas sent a text to Meg.

CN (7:02 pm)

Would you like to get dinner with Dean and me?

CN (7:02 pm)

Unless you’re already at your party, in which case, be safe.

MM (7:03 pm)

Party not til later. hot roommate dean?

CN (7:04 pm)

...Is that a yes?

MM (7:04 pm)

Yes please ;) shocker dining?

CN (7:05 pm)

Yes. We’ll meet you there.

Dean grabbed a burger and an inordinate amount of fries while Castiel loaded his plate with spaghetti and a salad. Meg walked into the dining room just after he and Dean sat down, and Cas waved her over.

“Meg,” he said, offering her the seat next to his, “this is Dean Winchester. Dean, this is Meg Masters.” Dean smiled at her with a mouthful of french fries. Cas dropped his head in exasperation.

“Pleasure,” Meg said with a half-cocked smile. “I’ve heard a lot about you.”

Dean shrugged. “I am pretty awesome. Can’t say the same about you, though.”

Cas went bright red. He shot Dean a glare, then turned to Meg. “He’s joking —”

Meg’s grin only widened, and she giggled. “It’s all right, Cas, I’m not very interesting.” She raised an eyebrow at him. He became extremely intent upon eating his dinner.

Dean stared at her for a moment, chewing a bite of burger. “So,” he said, leaning back in his chair. “You know Cas from accounting?”

“That’s right,” Meg said brightly.

“So he’s your tutor or somethin’?”

Cas interjected. “Actually, Meg is far more capable than I am. She essentially taught me everything about liabilities.”

“Adorable,” Dean grumbled.

“Isn’t it?” Meg asked sweetly. “And you’re his roommate.”

“Yep.”

“Lucky you.” She gave him a wink. Dean choked on his diet Coke, and Castiel prayed to whomever was listening that he might cease to exist.

“Meg,” he said, giving her a pointed look, “did you finish the homework?”

She pulled her eyes away from Dean. “Yeah, I did.” She dropped her voice. “Did you want to go over it? At my place?” She winked at Cas, who stared at her in horror. Why was she acting like this? “You know,” Meg continued, “We can do other things too. Besides accounting.”

Dean cleared his throat loudly. “I’m gonna go grab some more fries. Do y’all want anything?”

Cas and Meg shook their heads. When Dean had left the table, Cas gave Meg a death stare.

“What’s wrong with you?” He hissed. “I thought we covered this —”

“Yes, Cas, hun, I know you’re extraordinarily gay,” Meg said with an eyeroll. “I’m not actually interested. I’m just conducting an experiment.”

Cas narrowed his eyes. “What ‘experiment’—”

He closed his mouth abruptly and leaned away from Meg when he saw Dean returning from the buffet line. He returned to his seat, looking between Cas and Meg suspiciously. Cas downed his water in one swift action.

“So, Dean,” Meg said after taking a bite of her pizza. “I hear you’re educating our friend here on pop culture.”

Dean didn’t bother to look up at her while he swirled a fry in ketchup. “Guess so.”

Cas cleared his throat to interject. This direction of conversation was much better. “Meg asked what my favorite movie was,” he explained to Dean, who still hadn’t looked up from his plate. “I told her about how much I liked Back to the Future when we watched it last week.”

Dean gave him a small smile. “Yeah, that movie’s friggin’ awesome.”

Cas turned to Meg. “We’re watching The Exorcist tonight.”

Meg gasped dramatically. “So that’s why you blew off our date?”

Dean sputtered into his drink. “Date?” He said through a cough.

Cas looked helplessly at Meg, who unhelpfully smiled back. He was going to have words with her after this.

“I asked him to come to the SigEp party, but he said he was busy,” Meg said, feigning a pout. “But I get it, parties aren’t really Cas’s thing, anyway.”

Dean’s eyes flickered quickly between Cas and Meg. “All right, am I missing something?” He asked. His leg was bouncing against the table leg, hard enough that Cas’s plate was vibrating.

Cas looked at him, panicked, and stuttered out, “I don’t —”

“Like what?” Meg asked, sipping on her water.

“You his girlfriend or somethin’?”

This question delighted Meg. “Why don’t you ask him?”

Dean turned to Cas with an exasperated look. “Well?” He prodded.

Cas was sure he was about three different shades of red at this point. “What — I — no,” he sputtered.

Dean seemed to relax a little. Meg was still grinning like a madman. “There you go,” she said.

Castiel could not formulate a single coherent thought. He was confused as to how they even ended up here. The silence between the three of them was thick and awkward. Meg paid it no mind, just popped a strawberry in her mouth and gave Dean a sickly sweet smile. Dean excused himself to use the restroom, hitting his leg on the table and nearly tripping over his chair. Once he had left, Meg turned to Cas, her eyes sparkling.

“You are so in,” she said.

“What the hell was that?” He asked her. “What just happened?”

“He thinks I’m into you,” she explained. She took a bite of her pizza, then continued, “And he thinks you might be into me. And he hates that.”

“That’s ridiculous,” Cas scoffed.

Meg laughed, throwing her head back. When Cas fixed her with a glare, her eyes widened. “You really don’t see it?”

Cas pinched the bridge of his nose. “There’s nothing to ‘see’. I already told you.”

“Yeah, right. Whatever, you’ll thank me later.”

“For creating what is perhaps the most awkward dinner I’ve ever had in my life?”

She waved him off. “Don’t be such a baby, it wasn’t that bad.”

Cas gave her a look that suggested otherwise. She sighed.

“Look, the way you talk about him…” Meg grabbed Cas's hand when he rolled his eyes. “I’m serious. You like him, and now you know he likes you too.” She sat up proudly. “I just did all the heavy lifting for you.”

“Right,” Cas said, his voice dripping with sarcasm. “Obviously, this interaction points to an inevitable romantic encounter. Except, and I think this is important, Dean is not gay.”

Meg raised an eyebrow. “Well, the way he looks at you, he’s not straight either. Plus, he apparently still thinks you’re straight, so you two haven’t had that conversation yet. He could be flamingly bisexual and you would never know.”

“This conversation is exhausting.” Cas felt like he was watching a Disney Channel Original Movie, and Meg was a fifteen-year-old matchmaker.

Meg laughed. “I’m sure you’ll survive. By the way, did you actually want to go over the homework this weekend?”

“Yes,” he said, relieved at the change in subject.

Dean returned then. “Are y’all done?” He asked, pointing to their plates. Cas and Meg both nodded, offering “thank you’s” as Dean took their plates to the dish rack. They followed him to the exit, the crisp air sending a chill through Castiel.

“Did you want me to walk back with you, Meg?” Cas offered.

She beamed at him. “You’re so sweet, but no. I’m getting an Uber to Sig Ep, anyway.” She dug into her coat pocket and pulled out something small and black. “Plus, if anyone tries anything, they’ll find themselves electrocuted. Just a little bit.”

Cas grinned. Dean raised an eyebrow.

“See you on Monday, Cas,” Meg said, giving him a hug that lasted just a touch too long. “It was good to meet you, Dean.”

“You too,” Dean muttered.

They watched her walk away for a moment. Cas wanted to avoid looking at Dean for as long as humanly possible. He had no idea how he was supposed to explain the previous interaction.

“So,” Dean said, clearing his throat. “She’s… Nice.”

“She is,” Castiel agreed earnestly. “Dean, I’m sorry, Meg can be a bit…” He struggled to find an adequate descriptor. “I think she enjoys others’ discomfort a bit too much, sometimes,” he finished.

Dean let out a short laugh. “Yeah. Yeah, I guess so. It’s not a big deal, man.”

They stood in silence, Dean looking at the ground intently, Cas tugging on the strings of his hoodie. Dean kicked a rock, then sighed. “You, uh, you ready to head back?”

“Yes,” Cas replied.

The walk back to their dorm was quiet. Castiel couldn’t tell for sure, but he thought Dean looked bothered. He felt bad — he had honestly expected for Meg and Dean to get along. He had thought them to be similar in their confident and boisterous personalities. Now, he wondered if that was precisely the problem. Too much personality at the same dinner table. He winced internally at his own poor judgement. Meg obviously took no issue with the encounter, but he worried that Dean might hold it against him.

Dean let them into their room, then wrinkled his nose at Cas once more. “Dude, seriously, go take a shower. You’re gross.”

“Actually, I enjoy the feeling of my sweat drying all over my skin. I was thinking of going straight to bed like this. It’s not as if I didn’t take a shower because of your constant insistence upon eating meals at the same time every day”

Dean made a gagging motion. “Hey, we had an appointment, and you were almost late. How is that my fault?”

Cas just rolled his eyes and gathered his things to head to the showers. He let out a muttered, “Crap” when he realized nearly all of his laundry was dirty. He’d been busy this week, and running every day tended to render his clothes unwearable after a single use. He made a mental note to do laundry first thing in the morning. He was able to find an old pair of gym shorts, but not a single t-shirt remained in his closet. Cas groaned inwardly. So he would simply have to sit next to Dean for approximately two-and-a-half hours, shirtless. Fantastic.

When he returned from his shower, Cas found Dean cooking two bags of popcorn, the title menu of The Exorcist already on screen. Dean stood up from the microwave when Cas entered, and was halfway into a thumbs-up when he did a double take.

“Uh… We goin’ shirtless tonight, Baywatch?” He said, tugging at his collar.

Castiel tilted his head. “I don’t understand that reference.”

“Of course you don’t,” Dean said with a chuckle. “Seriously, though, dude.”

Cas sighed as he sat on their beanbag. “I have a lot of laundry to do tomorrow,” he said by way of an explanation.

Dean didn’t respond, but made his way to his own closet. He ruffled through it for a moment before Cas was hit in the face by a t-shirt.

“Here, just wear one of mine,” Dean said. He coughed and crossed his arms over his chest. “‘S kinda cold in here, anyway.”

Cas held up the shirt. It was a Led Zeppelin graphic tee, vintage, from their tour in 1977. Cas raised his eyebrows at Dean.

“It’s pretty awesome right?” Cas donned the t-shirt. “Sammy got it for me from a Goodwill a couple years ago. Another of my prized possessions.” He looked at Cas with feigned scrutiny. “Looks good on you,” he said.

Cas played with the hem as he said, “Thank you.” Dean coughed again and walked back to the microwave to retrieve their popcorn. The air was palpable with awkwardness.

Dean turned out the lights. They settled onto the beanbag, as had become custom in the last few weeks.

Not even thirty minutes in, Dean’s phone began to ring. “Hey, my brother’s callin’, can you pause it?” Dean said.

Cas obliged, and Dean stood as he said, “Hey, Sammy, how’s it goin’?”

Cas sat awkwardly with his hands in his lap, doing his best not to eavesdrop on Dean’s conversation. Though, he supposed if it was private, Dean could have moved to the hallway. Instead, he leaned against the door, twisting the beaded bracelet on his left hand.

“He did what?” Dean suddenly yelled, and Cas jumped. Dean shot him a quick apologetic look. “

“Sammy, calm down, it’s okay,” Dean said, and Cas couldn’t pretend to not listen anymore. He looked at Dean with a silent question, but Dean was staring hard at the wall, his free hand balled into a fist.

“Put him on the phone,” Dean said in a low voice. A pause. “What, so now he’s allowed to treat you like shit whenever he wants?” Another pause. A slow exhale from Dean. “No, you’re right. I don’t… I won’t make it worse.” Pause. “Do you want me to come down there? Because I will, you know I will.”

Dean was silent for a long moment before asking, “Are you sure?” He sighed at whatever his brother said on the other line. “Okay. Let me know if you need anything, I guess. And Sam? I’m really fucking sorry. I should’ve stayed, I don’t…” He trailed off and pinched the bridge of his nose. “No, I know. Yeah. Okay, I’ll talk to you later. Bye.”

Dean lowered the phone from his ear. He stood silently for a moment, angry gaze directed at the floor. Then, causing Cas to jump once more, he turned and hurled his fist at the door.

There was a loud thud upon impact, and then Dean was yelling “Fuck! Goddammit!” as he cradled his hand. Cas stood abruptly, but had no idea what to do. He walked toward Dean, cautiously.

Dean’s eyes were closed, and he was heaving deep breaths. Cas put a hand on his shoulder. “Dean?” He ventured.

“Sorry,” Dean mumbled, still not looking at Cas. “I just — Fuck, that was so stupid,” he said, shaking out his affected hand. “Sorry,” he repeated to the wall.

“It’s fine,” Cas said, even though he thought it definitely wasn’t. “What happened?”

Dean just shook his head. Cas’s hand remained on his shoulder. He tightened his grip, a little nervous that Dean might shove him off. “Dean,” he persisted. “You can tell me.”

Finally, Dean looked at him, and Cas thought if that level of rage was ever directed at him, he would promptly die. Instead, he raised an eyebrow. “Are you all right?”

“No,” Dean growled. “I gotta — I don’t know, I need to calm down. I don’t actually want to break something,” he said, motioning to the door. “I’m gonna go for a smoke.”

Cas dropped his hand and folded his arms across his chest. “I’ll go with you.”

“Cas —” Dean started, but Cas silenced him with a look. He grabbed one of Dean’s flannels from his desk chair and threw it at him. Dean caught it with a cross between surprise and irritation. Cas grabbed his own windbreaker and put it on, looking expectantly at Dean.

“Are we going?” He asked.

Dean looked at him as if he was trying to decide whether arguing was worth it. A sigh confirmed that it wasn’t. He silently pulled on his flannel and opened the door, ushering Cas through before exiting himself.

They walked in silence, despite the fervor of Cas’s concern and curiosity at Dean’s outburst. Dean’s jaw was set, and he took a long, slow breath when they hit the crisp fall air. When they reached the Impala, Cas silently moved to lean on the hood while Dean retrieved his lighter and a cigarette.

Dean joined Cas as he took a long draw. He exhaled the smoke upwards, his eyes closed. His face was still turned to the sky when he asked, “This really doesn’t bother you?”

“What?”

Dean brandished his cigarette in answer, turning to raise an eyebrow at Cas.

Cas shrugged. “It’s not particularly comforting. But, there are worse things.” He shoved his hands into his pockets and looked up thoughtfully. “Besides, you’ve been smoking for years. If anyone could convince you to quit, your random college roommate isn’t the most likely option.”

Dean gave him a strange look before exhaling another plume of smoke. He coughed a little. “I think you have long passed the line between ‘random roommate’ and ‘new best friend.’”

Cas gave a little chuckle. “That’s good to hear.” Inside, his world was falling down and rebuilding itself anew. Dean thought of Cas as his best friend. Cas had never known that feeling, to have someone care about him like that. Cas wondered if that could be enough, being Dean’s best friend.

He didn’t say anything more, though, just let Dean finish his cigarette. After throwing the butt on the pavement and stomping on it, he heaved a sigh.

“My dad…” He started, but paused. “He, uh, he said some stuff to Sam. My brother.”

Cas nodded, doing his best to keep his face neutral. Talking things through wasn’t Dean’s strong suit, and Cas didn’t want dramatics to make it more difficult.

“What did he say?”

Dean shifted and rubbed his hands together. “Bunch of bullshit. ‘It’s your fault your Mom’s dead, it should have been you instead of her.’” Dean rubbed a hand over his mouth. “I mean, he used to say that to me. He gets into these moods when he drinks, says a bunch of shit he doesn’t mean.”

Dean shoved himself off the hood and began to pace in front of Cas. “But I could take it, you know? Sammy’s just a kid. He doesn’t need to hear that.”

“Your father says things like this often?” Cas asked, a tinge of horror in his voice.

“He used to. But only to me. Never to Sam.”

Cas took a deep breath, trying to discern how best to proceed. “Dean,” he said slowly, “he shouldn’t say those things. Ever. Not to Sam, and not to you.”

“I’m just confused,” Dean said. “And pissed. Sam and him are usually okay. I mean, they’re not buddies or anything, but Dad leaves him alone for the most part.”

“I don’t want to overstep,” Cas said, “But it seems like your father used you as an outlet for misplaced rage. A punching bag, if you will. And now you’re gone, so Sam is the next best thing.”

Dean met Cas'seyes with a horrified look. “God. I didn’t… You’re right. Shit, this is my fault, I can’t believe I —”

“No, Dean,” Cas growled. He stood and grabbed Dean by both shoulders. “This is your father’s fault. Not yours.”

“But I left Sam, alone, with him,” Dean said, and Cas could see panic rising in his eyes. “How could I do that, why —” Cas interrupted him again. “Why did you decide to attend college, Dean? What’s the real reason?”

“What?” Dean gave him an incredulous look. “I don’t know.”

Cas tilted his head down, skeptical.

Dean let out a long sigh. “Okay, all right. I went because Sam is smart, and he needs to go. But we don’t have any money. So I figured if I came and got a degree or some shit, I could make enough to throw him some cash while he goes to school. Get some summer internships and save up for his college fund. He’d probably still have to take out loans and stuff, but if I got a good job, I could help him pay them off.”

Cas wasn’t sure what answer he had expected, but it wasn’t that one. He felt his heart break for the man standing in front of him, who did everything he could and more for the people he cared about and never felt like it was enough.

“Would Sam ever hold that against you?” When Dean didn’t respond, Cas continued. “I know I wouldn’t. I have four older siblings, and not a single one of them has ever done something like that for me.”

“But—”

“You’re making yourself miserable over something that isn’t your fault,” Cas said. “Did you have anyone protecting you when your father went on a tirade?”

“No, but—”

“Is Sam incapable of handling himself?”

“No, but Cas—”

“He’ll be alright, Dean,” Cas insisted. “You can’t live your whole life as his shield. You’ll break yourself trying.”

Dean was silent, and wouldn’t meet Cas's eyes. Cas dropped his hands and leaned back against the Impala. “Did you ever think that Sam might have wanted you to go to school simply so you could get yourself out? Did you ever think that Sam hates the way your father treated you as much as you hate what he did to Sam tonight?”

Dean pursed his lips together, but his jaw relaxed slightly. Finally, he muttered, “I guess I never thought about it like that.”

Cas felt relief wash over him. He’d never seen Dean like this — angry and frantic. Cas wondered if Dean always did this, shouldered the blame for every bad thing his brother had to endure. The thought made his chest hurt.

Dean’s hands were hanging limply at his side. He looked exhausted. Against his better judgement, Cas grabbed Dean by the forearm and pulled him into a hug. Dean was still for a moment, but then sighed and rested his head on Cas's shoulder.

“Sorry, man,” he said. “I didn’t mean to act like that, punching things and shit. I just get so angry, and I don’t know what to do with it.”

Cas was trying very hard to form a coherent thought. “There’s no need for apologies. I understand.”

A chuckle escaped Dean’s lips. “You must think I’m a complete nutjob, huh?”

Cas tilted his head in consideration. Dean’s hair tickled his cheek. “No. I think your father spent years verbally abusing you, and you’re doing your best in spite of that.”

Dean broke the hug abruptly. The sudden space between them felt criminal. “I mean, I don’t know if it’s abuse…” He started, but, at Cas's look, he trailed off. Dean rubbed the back of his neck. “Thanks, Cas,” he said quietly. “Honestly, dude, I don’t know what I would have done without you.”

Cas's cheeks warmed, and he shrugged. “You would have done the same for me.”

Dean gave him a small smile. Cas’s heart nearly broke with relief. “I’m beat,” he said. “Bed?”

Cas nodded eagerly. “Bed.”

When they reached the stairs, Dean broke the heavy silence.

“So…” He began. There was a false brightness in his voice; he was obviously searching for levity. “You hanging out with your girlfriend tomorrow?”

“If you’re referring to Meg, she’s still not my girlfriend,” Cas replied vacantly. “And yes.” He suddenly felt exhausted. First the mortifying dinner with Meg, then the heavy conversation with Dean. He hardly had it in him to field jokes about Meg being his girlfriend.

“She’s not your girlfriend yet,” Dean amended, giving Cas a smirk that didn’t meet his eyes.

And what was Cas supposed to say to that? Meg was funny and smart and beautiful. She and Cas studied together on the regular. There was absolutely no reason he shouldn’t be interested in Meg from Dean’s perspective.

Of course, if Dean knew he was gay…

Cas didn’t know if he could face the consequences of coming out to Dean. Would he be upset that Cas hadn’t told him earlier? Would he be uncomfortable with a gay man as his roommate? As his friend? Cas may have expanded his social circle, but he still couldn’t bear to lose Dean.

But, then again, Dean had defended him once already, without knowing whether or not he was gay. He’d sounded indifferent to the possibility then. And just tonight, he’d called Cas his best friend. Dean cared more deeply for his friends and family than anyone Cas had ever met. Cas was in that group. Dean wouldn’t shove him out of it because of who he loved.

Right?

As they reached the entrance to their hall, Dean poked Cas in the shoulder. “Hey, Earth to Major Tom,” he said. “You okay over there?”

Cas realized he hadn’t said a word since they started their ascent up the stairs. He sighed heavily.

Perhaps this was as good a time as any.

“Dean,” he said, but closed his mouth. He should just say it. He had nothing to worry about. This wasn’t Bartholomew. He knew that, but the words remained stuck in his throat.

“What?” Dean said, eyebrows raised. “Cas,” he prodded, waving a hand in front of Cas’s face.

“I’m not…” Cas swallowed. “I will never date Meg,” he finished, with a pointed look.

Dean side-eyed him as they walked to their door. “What, she’s not your type?”

Cas gave him a lopsided smile. “You could say that.”

“I dunno, man, maybe you should reconsider, you two are pretty adorable, in a gross way —”

“Dean.” Cas was about to rip his hair out. He wasn’t taking the hint. “She’s not my type. She’s a girl.”

Realization dawned on Dean’s face. “Oh,” he said.

“I apologize for not telling you sooner,” Cas said, bracing for the worst. “If that makes you uncomfortable, I understand —”

“What?” Dean practically shouted. At Cas’s look of surprise, he lowered his voice. “No, Cas, are you kidding? I thought I told you, after all that shit with Cole. It’s not a big deal.”

“Knowing your roommate might possibly be gay and knowing he is, indeed, gay are two very different things.”

Dean looked at Cas like he had just made the worst joke in the world. “I’m not gonna, like, try to move out.” As they approached their room, Cas stared resolutely ahead, walking with purpose. But Dean jumped out in front of him, a hand on Cas’s chest to stop him in his tracks.

“Dude, it’s gonna take more than that to get rid of me. I lost my shit and punched a door, like, an hour ago, and you barely even blinked.” Dean crossed his arms over his chest.

Cas met Dean’s eyes and found unparalleled sincerity.

“I don’t… You’re not the least bit upset?” Cas asked, slightly incredulous.

Dean shrugged. “You’re my best friend, Cas,” he said as he straightened. “Nothing’s gonna change that.” He pulled on his bracelet. “I do feel bad though, for making you feel like you couldn’t tell me. Not that you had to, or anything,” he added in a rush.

Cas shook his head vigorously. “It has nothing to do with you, Dean. I’m… I’m new at this,” Cas explained. “The first time, with Bartholomew… I believe he was, as you would say, a dick about it.”

Dean’s eyes turned stormy. “Bastard,” he said. “I’m sorry, Cas. You shouldn’t have had to deal with that.”

Cas nodded. “You’re right. It was rather unfortunate. I haven’t spoken to him since the night I told him I was gay.”

Dean moved back to Cas’s side and slung an arm around his shoulders. “His loss,” he said. “You’re friggin’ awesome, dude.”

Cas smiled. Dean patted him on the back and let the two of them into their room.

Cas brushed his teeth and climbed into bed. Dean returned minutes later from a shower, and he flipped off the lights as he made his way to his own bunk.

Cas pulled off Dean’s shirt and threw it across the room. Dean’s head caught it, and he yelped.

“Thank you for the loan,” Cas said, smiling.

An odd expression crossed Dean’s face before he threw the Zeppelin shirt back to Cas. “Keep it,” he said. When Cas gave him a confused look, he put a hand on the back of his neck. “I meant what I said. Looks good on you.”

---------

tagging @nguyenxtrang :)))

#supernatural #destiel #deancas #destiel fic #spn

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impulsivelycontentious · 3 years ago

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Here is a love story for you.

Content warnings include assholes, references to people doing shitty things (but not to people they love), pregnancy and menses, alcohol consumption.

Today I woke up and my brain aligned creative. So here, have a love story, internet.

Once upon a time, there were two people who were very, very good at making poor decisions.

They were clever, and sharp. Foolish, and unwise. Full of prickles and edges. Warm and cold. Loyal and fair. Cruel and unkind.

They had already loved unwisely. More than once. They were difficult to like when one spent more than a few hours in their company. Their words were quick and honest, and their honesty was full of disappointment and lowered expectation and viciousness. They made foolish friends of those who could tolerate them, and those friends were not always good people. Neither were they.

These two were an unexpected mirror. An impossible twinning. They were more alike than not and there wasn't another either had ever found like themselves. They lived continents apart. They should never have met.

It isn't necessary for a man and a woman to be in a love story, but this one happens to have the one and the other. It’s a story that a woman tells about when she met a man, and however much of it is true is anyone’s guess.

Her friends had plans for her. There was a pregnant woman in another country, and time was ticking. They wanted to keep someone who would look after their children and do as they asked. Someone who would care for them, as care for people was just something she did. Just a few, mind. She would make an excellent nanny.

They planned to leave to be with the pregnant woman, but they had no desire to leave her behind. The child was going to come one way or another. Best have help with it.

They were seeing her when they met him.

And so when they met him, they were excited.

He spoke the way their friend spoke. His quick tongue lashed those he did not care for, and he cared for very few. He said the same sort of words she did. Moved the same way she did. Drank like she did. He was mean-spirited. He was delightful. He was what they needed.

And so, when they returned from traveling, they made plans.

They got her very drunk - an expensive task that did require planning and one which she did not object to - and set up a video call with their new friend.

They told her nothing and sat her in front of a computer, where she saw this man she did not know and immediately ducked behind one of the bottles she had been drinking.

It was empty. It hid nothing. She didn't notice.

But there are quirks in these two. They believed in fairness, you see. Equity of position. Perhaps what they considered fair may not always be what others agreed with - 'you started it so I may do as I please' is not, for example, something most would consider fair - but it was there.

And so he felt that he should not be speaking with a drunk woman sober. Partly because he felt he should also be allowed to drink, it is true. But the other part was that you do not meet new people drunk while you are sober. The advantage is wrong. And his heart had panged when she had ducked behind this bottle, being foolish and somehow sweet.

And so they drank, and they talked. They laughed. They quipped. They discussed how best to insult people and the uses of frozen mice from a pet shop in punishing those who offended. They talked of things past and foolish things to come. The night vanished, as did several more bottles.

And then his workday began, and she went to bed. He sobered up while he typed, and she vomited where she shouldn't and forgot about it.

They did not speak for two weeks.

He liked her. A lot. She never did know exactly what it was that he liked so much even when she would ask years later - though he said he knew when she laid out detailed plans involving letterboxes and things one should not put in them but could that he was romantically invested. It was love at first meeting. He would not push her, however. The story has not gone that far and he did not know it’s outcome. She might disappear if he did.

She did not know how to approach people and though she had enjoyed the conversation she was not at all sure of continuing it. She did not like people. New people especially. A good conversation does not guarantee anything about a person. And so she did not. It was simpler to continue as things were - she did not like change. Her friends asked them both about it and they each confessed they had done nothing to the friend’s great disappointment.

And so this pregnant woman took it upon herself to bring them together again. She invited her to a video call with him already present, and then dropped the call.

This was not appreciated. At all. She did not like people. But, she was there. He was there. This was not a situation she was entirely sure how to deal with and they had spoken well enough that she had no desire to be rude. They may as well speak.

So they did.

He was permitted to use chat and video (though not speak) during his work hours as his job only demanded that he met his goals and that he did regardless of all else.

Somehow there was always a new topic to address, a segway to a new thought that must be explored. So they spoke all day.

And then he called her when he got home. And she answered. There were unfinished topics to discuss.

She answered the next morning and afternoon too.

And then she called him the morning after.

So their days went. The call was left open. They spoke to each other as and when the mood struck, and it struck often. Between the actions of living, there were always words for each other. A thought, a concept. A memory.

They spoke about many things. Their pasts. Their futures. The things they knew and the things they did not. Games and academics, religion and philosophy, psychology and biology.

There was nothing beyond the scope of their words.

He had been speaking to her a week when he was told she hated smoking and would never date a smoker. He threw away a full pack. There wasn't even a last smoke.

The pregnant woman asked her to sing for her over the camera, and because she was pregnant, the young woman did sing. Only to find another person in the call who had not been invited and had not known what was going to happen. He had muted the call so he would not hear anything she had not consented to. Her voice wasn’t unpleasant but it was not special either and she would not sing just because she was asked.

She sang for him another time, though.

She knew the nature of his interest was romantic after that first week. Her friends did love to talk. She did not know the nature of her own interest, however. She knew only that she enjoyed his company.

When he proposed to her a month after they met, it was both a shock and not a shock. She knew. And yet, it was quite the leap to go from "I like you" to "marry me", and he had never told her he liked her. Indeed, he still had not.

She said she wouldn't be leaving her country so there was no point in asking. She did not say "no".

Understand that many people will not say no when they mean no. They will redirect the conversations to avoid confrontation. This woman was not one of them. This woman had already related the various ways she knew to let men down fast and hard with a laugh - because she had learned that letting a man down gently just made him more persistent and creepy, and so had taken it upon herself to see how quickly she could put an end to it. She had it down to one look, a laugh, and two words. She wasn't even especially pretty, but that didn't stop people. Maybe they thought not being pretty she would enjoy the attention. She did not.

Anyway, this was a woman to whom "no" was an easy word, rejection a simple thing. Had she meant it, she would have used it. She did not. She did not notice this. He did.

And so they continued their daily conversations and games. They laughed together, and he met the family she had warned him against. They met the man she talked to constantly. He was amused. They were not. This was as it should be.

A month later, he asked again. "Marry me?" And her response was the same. She had no desire to leave her home. She would not.

"I…" he began.

"Don't." She interrupted. So he didn't.

They talked about everything. The crimes they had been caught committing. The ones they hadn't. Their family's worst secrets, their own worst personality quirks and behaviors. The things about themselves that would not be changing and could be difficult to live with. The truth, bald and bare and open for inspection.

It was accepted. Why judge poorly when one had done no better at oneself? Past was prologue, future uninteresting. Now was acceptable.

She didn't know how she felt about him then. She knew she liked him. She knew she didn't mind that he asked her for things she wasn't willing to give. He made no demands. That was more than she had for most. Maybe that she did not mind should have told her something but it did not. Maybe that she had chased away everyone else who had tried to say the same words but two others who came before or asked the same question bar none should have told her something. But it did not, either.

Things continued as before.

So it came to a time she dreaded. Her relationship with her family was poor, but not nonexistent, and they required her aid. They would pay in alcohol and that was good. It had been nearly three months since their introduction, and for the first time, she would be out of contact for two days.

She helped her parents set up and run a social/activity camp on a farm. She had done so every year since they began. Her tolerance for alcohol was excessive and getting her favorite in a strength she liked far outside of her usual financial reach. And so she oversaw the packing of the truck, assemble tents, arranged artfully the lounging areas, corralled attendees, and later, she watched the children in the playground. The latter suited her well as she did not care for adults, but children were simple and manageable - one need only address them as adults and be fair and consistent. It worked for her.

It was a long weekend. She missed him incessantly. She lost patience with the drinking companion who insisted on trying to keep up quite quickly which was just as well as he needed to be taken to his tend and tucked in early too. He made poor life choices. Someone dislocated a finger fighting with swords. He made poor life choices too and had an abysmal grip. She considered exactly how she would relate these stories to him. Each thing that happened had her framing what she would say to him, words ready to be spoken. But he was not there. And she could not tell him.

She wondered if this was love, then. Was it? Wanting to speak with someone all the time. Be with them. Share all that was on her mind and hear all that was on his. Hear his opinion on the events and people that moved around her now. Would she also like to kiss him? Maybe. Maybe she would. It was not the first time she had considered it. But was that a passing impulse born of wondering if this was a romantic relationship? She didn't actually know. She wondered. And she missed him. She grew terrified of what would happen if she did not love him the way he loved her. She did not want to lose him. And yet she wouldn't offer him anything she couldn't give. That would be unnecessarily cruel. What would happen if he did say something more than the question she had avoided? What would she say in return? Wanting someone - even needing someone - is not the same as loving someone.

She didn't know.

But she hurried home at the end. She disassembled and cleaned and helped load the truck but then instead of traveling with it to unpack it at the other end she begged a ride from someone leaving much sooner who also had someone back home they wanted to see, too.

They laughed about their own silliness on their way back, but drove quickly. They spoke about the people they wanted to see. The driver married that someone eventually. But that wasn’t now.

He was waiting when she got home. He knew she would come as soon as she might. They talked of the weekend until he got home and they were both alone.

And then his voice changed, and she knew that what she feared was here. Because he was going to say something that changed things.

And he did. "I.." he began.

"Don't," She panicked.

This time though, they had been apart for two days and he knew this was what he wanted. He respected her and he did not want to push but he needed to tell her. He needed to know.

She knew. Of course she knew. He knew she knew. She knew he knew she knew. But when he said it she would need to say something. And what she would say she did not know. It would change things, whatever it was, and she did not like change.

He said it because for him, change had already come. "... Love you."

Oh.

That was… different. Knowing was different from hearing. It was pain in the center of her chest, and tears in her eyes. Her body reacted before her mind understood. It flowed through her confusion and out of her mouth.

"I love you, too." She said. It hurt. When it came out it hurt. It forced it's way out of her and she didn't even know if it was the truth then. But she couldn't have said anything else. It was impossible. There was no other thing she could do. Holding it in would have hurt more.

"Marry me?" He asked her.

She said yes.

It's been 14 years since then. They live together in a house they only have because of a person who did them a kindness, far from her country, with their school-aged child who is kind and loves people. They have few friends. The ones they had then ended up being unable to travel as they wished and lost their 'nanny' once the two of them were together and saw how the other was treated by their ‘friends' and would not stand for it. It was for the best for them.

It wasn't all set, back then. 14 years ago. He came to stay with her for a few weeks over a Christmas, wherein they discovered if her cat liked him, and if all was harmonious in the areas two cannot explore while they are far apart from each other. They found they were, indeed, very much to each other's liking - in fact much self-control was required not to find that out too soon, and in places wholly inappropriate.

Then she went to stay with him, and they found out if they could live together. They cooked back to back in a tiny kitchen, and played games each morning together before he went to work. They fit together in to the bed that was far too small for two people.

She spent 89 days there.

They filed the paperwork. And a Christmas later, they married. He declared his love in flowery terms. She said "you are mine," and meant it more than she knew and in ways he took a long time to understand.

Things have not always gone their way since. One cannot expect it will with the world as it is. Her health failed. She won't be living in to old age. He works a job he hates so he has health insurance that can keep her alive longer. It hurts his body and his heart.

But their arguments are few, and quiet. They are never cruel to each-other, even when they do argue. Words one cannot take back and may regret go unspoken. They do not remember mistakes in anger and do not keep score of favors done each other in unkindly felt moments. They are affectionate in their own ways - they are terribly embarrassing in public, in each other's arms and willing to kiss passionately, because he thrives on her affection and he is hers. So she will look after him.

They give each other alone time when needed, and trust that being alone is never a reflection of their relationship. Because she does not do well if she is around people all the time. Even him.

They do not get jealous and have their own separate friends and social lives. They possess each other's passwords and use them when the other forgets what on earth it is. This happens often.

They show each other the things they love, and coo over it with bright excited eyes. She lays on his lap on the sofa and they hold hands while they watch or read their own things. Near any request will be honored, and so they do not make them unless they must - or make very small ones as a small sign of affection. He has lied to her sometimes when he fears she might leave him if she realizes he is imperfect, and she lets him until she gets tired of it she tells him to stop and he remembers she knows everything anyway. She does not lie to him, except about expecting to retire together.

They conceived their child deliberately and accidentally. She was sick, so sick she vomited several times a day. She insisted she was not pregnant, but he still thought she was. He was so disappointed when she was right. And so he asked if a pregnancy would be such a terrible thing when she got better. She saw the sadness in him and said no, it wouldn't. They had always wanted children eventually. And so their child was conceived that week, much to the shock for this woman who had long known she should struggle with fertility. It had been three months since she had even bled. Life is like that sometimes. The pregnancy was awful. It was far worse than the illness had been and she lost a lot of weight. The child was healthy, though. And they love them.

They are kinder to others with each other. They will still say cruel true things, do cruel things, and enjoy it, but with more care to how well it is deserved. Fairness is a higher bar than it was 14 years ago. They are less angry, though still angry. Meet one alone and one might still wonder how on earth this person ever managed to be married - and happily in love, too - but meet the other and all is so very, very clear.

They shouldn't have met. But they did. And that is enough.

#love story #falling in love #happily ever after #only not really #short story #romance #writing #dumbass' perspective #modern setting #assholes in love #sometimes I can write #So I might as well #Everyone likes a fairytale #modern fairytale #if you had memory loss you might tell it this way too

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peterstanslizzie · 5 years ago

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Re-watching Lizzie Mcguire: Episode 1.19 (Gordo and the Girl)

I wish Kyla Pratt had guest starred in more episodes. But hey, maybe she can come back as Brooke in the new series next year?

- We kick things off at the Digital Bean; Lizzie and Miranda are talking about how excited they are for their own Scary Movie marathon. However, they are bummed about Gordo not being with them because he needs to spend some time bonding with his dad.

- They reflect on their own bonding experiences with their dads and they weren’t exactly pleasant with either of them. Suddenly, they spot Gordo with a girl named Brooke Baker (played by the Proud Family’s Kyla Pratt) sitting at their own table and looking really comfortable with one another.

I’ve said in my recent episode reviews that Gordo is low-key girl crazy; So, it’s about time he goes on dates

- Miranda accurately suspects he’s on a date with Brooke. Lizzie doesn’t see it that way because she believes he would have told them about it. And just as they are about to approach Gordo, the two of them lock lips!

Gordo’s best friends are clearly stunned at what they just witnessed

Problems At School

- At the Mcguire home, the kids are having breakfast side by side and they are both quiet and oddly in-sync with one another. Their parents, Sam and Jo notice this and decide to take action.

- Jo asks Lizzie why she’s feeling down but Lizzie doesn’t want to say a word and just walks away before she could question her more. For Sam, things are a lot smoother with Matt because he straight away tells him all the problems he’s facing in school like not having a clue as to what’s going on in Math class. Sam tells Matt that he will help him with his homework after school and things are pretty much resolved. Well, boys at Matt’s age are easier to deal with compared to teen girls.

- We are taken to Biology class and Lizzie is partnered up with Gordo to dissect an octopus. Gordo is straight up lying to Lizzie about his date with Brooke but he does it so well. He is masterfully able to come up with a smooth narrative confidently on what he did with his dad the night before.

- The next thing you know, a random girl passes a note to Gordo and it’s from Brooke! She wants him to come over to her table but Lizzie desperately wants him to stay because she doesn’t want to dissect an octopus alone.

Relax Lizzie! Gordo will only be gone for awhile. Plus, shouldn’t you know what to do? Don’t tell me you’re making Gordo do everything for you?

Gordo’s Date

- Lizzie and Miranda are having lunch at the outdoor cafeteria and they are discussing about what happened with Gordo in the lab. Miranda says that people at school are gossiping about their supposed relationship.

“I feel like I’m in a dream where everyone wants to kiss my frog”. This line is definitely memorable to me. Also, it’s kinda clear that Lizzie is a little jealous that Gordo likes somebody else.

- They just can’t believe that Gordo is somebody’s boyfriend because they always see him as their guy best friend. But shouldn’t they know he’s girl crazy too? I mean, he’s bound to have a girlfriend one day. Gordo approaches the two and informs them he’s helping out a friend (a.k.a. Brooke) with their homework. Like I said, he’s an excellent liar.

- Lizzie is trying to give Miranda the benefit of the doubt. She thinks that Gordo is just friends with Brooke and Brooke might be using him for her own benefit. The kiss that happened yesterday was a legit one; There’s no denying that.

Lizzie Isn’t Sure If She Likes Gordo

- Lizzie tells Miranda that she would be devastated if Miranda ends up dating somebody but doesn’t tell her anything. Maybe Lizzie isn’t only jealous about Gordo liking another girl but she’s afraid that her friends will abandon her once they are partnered up. Well, that’s just reality sweetheart lol

- Anyways, Miranda thinks that Brooke really likes Gordo because he’s “different” and that’s why she “likes him”. When she said that, Lizzie’s face lights up and asks her if she actually likes him likes him. Miranda straight up says “no” and asks the same question to Lizzie. She hesitates answering the question, which tells us viewers she does like him in that sense.

This is I believe, the first moment in the series where we got a strong hint that Lizzie likes Gordo

- Gordo shows up and Lizzie confesses to him that they saw him with Brooke at the Digital Bean. She even tells him she’s concerned about Brooke possibly using him for the wrong reasons because she’s friends with Claire Miller and doesn’t understand why he wouldn’t tell them about his relationship.

- Gordo is clearly offended by everything she’s saying because he really likes Brooke and he doesn’t like how his friends are telling him that her feelings for him is false. I agree with Gordo; He’s only been dating Brooke for like maybe less than a week and they can’t just expect him to tell them everything so soon!

A Hot Date With Gordo

- I assume a few days had gone by with Lizzie and Miranda not being on speaking terms with Gordo. They overhear Claire talking about Brooke’s upcoming “hot date” with someone at an Italian restaurant called the Holy Rigatoni. Lizzie doesn’t want to wrap her mind around the fact that the hot date is Gordo. To make matters worse, she thinks Brooke is cheating on him.

- Lizzie and Miranda come up with a plan to convince Gordo that they are finally supportive of his new relationship but they are so awkward in their execution, especially Lizzie. It’s hard for them to get onboard with a relationship they don’t believe in the first place.

- There’s only one way for them to approach this: Spy on Brooke and her mystery date and catch her cheating on Gordo. They are about to be so wrong on this one...

- We skip to date night at the restaurant. Lizzie and Miranda are spying on Brooke and her date, which is clearly Gordo. Before I continue, I need to know why does Miranda need to be dressed up as a dude. Is it really necessary? Do they think that only ‘couples’ or ‘straight couples’ can get tables at this joint?

Poor Miranda! I can’t believe she’s letting Lizzie ask her to do this. But hey, this proves to us that Miranda is a great friend to have!

- The guy who’s with Brooke (Gordo) gets up and heads into the men’s bathroom. Lizzie asks Miranda to follow him and check out who this person is. Miranda, the ‘dude’ or should I say Mirando enter the men’s room hesitantly. Yikes! She’s gonna be mortified by the things she’s about to see in there hahaha.

- Miranda finally realises it’s been Gordo the entire time and she scurries out of the bathroom to notify Lizzie. Just as they’re about to leave the restaurant, the manager stops them and informs them that their table is ready and they had no other choice but to stay. Plus, Gordo could have been able to see them run off.

I love this guy. Especially the way he is describing their restaurant specials in that surfer bro voice he has

- During Gordo’s date with Brooke, Brooke tells him she wants them to spend more time together. However, she isn’t aware of the piece of spaghetti hanging on the side of her mouth. Gordo tries to tell her but she can’t stop talking lol.

If I were Gordo, I would just use my hand to remove that string of spaghetti off her face

- Gordo explains to Brooke that they are always hanging out between classes and after school. But Brooke prefers them to be together even more and wants him to change his class schedule to fit hers.

Busted!

- Lizzie is now convinced that she’s wrong and Brooke isn’t playing with Gordo’s feelings. She and Miranda decide to quickly leave the restaurant but they accidentally bumped and crashed into a waiter carrying a whole tray of food.

Lizzie falls again feat. Miranda. By the way, that is a lot of pasta!

- This causes Gordo and Brooke to focus their attention on them and he immediately recognises his two friends. Gordo obviously feels hurt and betrayed by them and rightfully so. But, he also needs to recognise that his friends do truly care for him.

- At Lizzie’s front porch the next day, both Lizzie and Miranda are sadly thinking about the possibility that Gordo may not want to be their friend anymore. But with the magic of television, Gordo pops up! He lets them know that although he is still upset they spied on him with his date, he is happy to know that he has friends that actually care about him.

- He tells them that he actually broke up with Brooke because he isn’t ready to be committed to a serious relationship yet since Brooke is pretty demanding as a girlfriend.

Things are back to normal!

Kids, let’s learn about Percentages!

- I guess this is the B-plot of this episode: Sam teaching Matt grade-school math and then Matt abusing the knowledge he has gained. Sam is using visual aids like gum-balls to make it more fun to learn.

-But Matt makes a classic ‘Matt-move’ and tries to trick his dad to avoid taking out the garbage by using Conditional Probability. Well, Matt ends up confusing Sam and he is able to get away from doing his chore.

- Matt continues this habit by making bets using odds and percentages with Lanny on whether Lizzie will yell at him, which she does. Lanny silently suggest they should play this game with the other kids at school.

- Afterwards, we see Matt taking calls and placing bets with other kids from school and can I just say that these kids are super gullible. There’s this one kid who was told by Matt that the Yellow team has weaker odds of winning a dodgeball match compared to the Blue team but he still bets on Yellow? Like what?!

- Jo is going through her kids’ laundry and discovers Matt’s book, which lists out all the names of the kids who owe him stuff. Matt and Lanny walk into the living room carrying a bunch of things they cheated out from the other kids and stop dead in their tracks as soon as they see Jo.

Lanny makes a very wise decision to ditch Matt here lol

- Matt tries to cover up his own tracks by suggesting the things were given to him by the other kids but Jo is not buying his story and tells Matt to return all his stuff back to them.

Aww the puppy dog pout

Overall Thoughts

- This episode definitely stood the test of time because I still remember most of the plot from this episode. The introduction of Brooke as Gordo’s new girlfriend was a great addition to shake things up in our best friend trio of Lizzie, Gordo and Miranda. We also get a subtle revelation that Lizzie does have some deep feelings for Gordo.

- I only wish that we got some little context on how did Brooke and Gordo actually meet and asked each other out because seeing them straight away on their date and kissing was a little shocking to me. But overall, it gives us a nice, thorough glimpse on what middle school dating life is like in Lizzie Mcguire

- I thought that the gambling B-plot involving Matt, his parents and Lanny wasn’t bad at all. It was brief and to the point; They didn’t drag any scenes far too long to the point where I would’ve gotten bored. I also like how they taught us that gambling and cheating can also be carried out on a smaller scale in school, involving trivial things like candy and toys etc.

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mactuna · 5 years ago

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ђคгɭєץ ợยєєภ

↠ summary: jisol isn’t the only who got run over by the gossip train... and in the process, she learned a lot more than she was ever supposed to... (lmao this is such a trashy summary!!)

↠ idea: jungkook x oc!! bts mafia au!! kpop universe!!]

↠ part 1 [] part 2 [] part 3 [] part 4?

“I’ll bring you your stuff later, ok sis? Just please don’t trip on yourself if you see Han Jisung. Please.”

“For the last time! I DON’T LIKE HIM!”

“Sure sis… you definitely don’t have a sketchbook of drawings of him.”

“You can stop talking now!”

The two had arrived at Jeongmi’s new room, because college dorms were way too expensive. And lucky for her, there was a Min Jisol who was looking for a roommate.

“I’ll bring your stuff around later, ok?”

“Ok… bye!”

But in his defense, Jungkook believed he had the right to be worried about his little sister. Because he was pretty darn sure he knew exactly how her roommate was: the infamous Min Jisol of Daegu Town High School. She was the girl that everyone warned you about. It was obvious she smoked because she always coughed as if she had smoker’s lung and could literally collapse at any given moment. And Jesus Christ, she always smelled like goddamn alcohol! She always seemed as if she had tried to get the stank of alcohol off, but in the end she miserably failed and the smell basically radiated off of her. But of course, can’t forget that she was always late and skipping class. The problem? She never got in trouble for it. To top it all off, she graduated as valedictorian. Combined with her popularity amongst the boys for her looks, it was no surprise when the gossip train tooted about Jisol sleeping around with the administration to get straight A’s. Hence, she was basically the queen of the school in all aspects. Despite all the obvious warning signs, people loved her. Earning her the nickname, Harley Queen.

But Jungkook was barely any better and he knew it. His reputation wasn’t exactly spotless since he hit high school. Puberty had treated him very kindly, earning the attention from all the girls within the school district. Especially at sport competitions. And every so often, a girl would ask to speak to him somewhere quiet. Alone. Like a lost lamb, he would follow. He never did anything, didn’t even touch them, yet the gossip train tooted that Jungkook had a knack for quickies and breaking the girls’ hearts once he was done with them. Because of this one fact, Jungkook had begrudgingly agreed to let Jeongmi room with Jisol. Maybe she was just another victim of the gossip train, just like him. Or maybe it was just his grudge against her for… a number of reasons.

“Ok… bye Jungkook!”

“I’ll bring your stuff up in like, two hours ok?”

“Uh-huh. Goodbye!”

Obviously, Jeongmi was super embarrassed that her brother was basically dropping her off at her first apartment. And she didn’t want to make a bad first impression, so she did everything in her power to shoo him away. But as soon as the door opened, Jeongmi was shocked by the girl’s beauty in front of her. All of her doubts disappeared into thin air and she found herself bowing awkwardly.

“Hello, my name is Jeongmi. It’s really nice to meet you!”

But Jisol was already busting a lung with laughter.

“You are so cute!! But anyway, you don’t have to act so formal around me. We’re roommates now Jeongmi. As you probably know, my name’s Jisol and welcome to the apartment!”

Despite having only met once or twice, Jeongmi already felt the bond forming between them.

“Do you need any help bringing your stuff up or anything?”

“Actually, my brother is bringing up my stuff in a couple of hours.”

“Girl, that’s honestly sibling goals. My brother would tell me to suck it up and be independent like all the girls in the world preach about.”

But now, Jeongmi was confused as hell. How in the world did Jisol have such awful rumors circulating about her? She was honestly one of the sweetest, most wholesome Jeongmi had ever met. But for Jisol? She was just over the moon that there was someone who was willing to give her a clean slate and actually get to know her. Not try to kiss up to her just so she could be referred to one of the guys. The reason everyone thought she was a slut was that most of her friends were guys. Mostly because the other girls at school were entirely too judgemental. And super bitchy.

“Feel free to explore, Jeongmi. Lol, you don’t have to be so nervous. You kinda live her now?”

And Jeongmi was like, why the hell does it literally smell like freaking daisies? Smoker’s lung, my foot! There wasn’t even the slightest whiff of smoke or alcohol anywhere. That’s when the knock came faintly. Which Jeongmi barely heard.

“Hi, I’m Jungkook, Jeongmi’s older brother. I came to drop off her stuff?”

Already, Jungkook was gaining attention from the neighbors. Mostly because the apartment was a hot spot for college kids who couldn’t afford or didn’t want to live in a dorm.

“Unnie, do you mind if he comes inside? Because there are literally people crowding the hallway just to stare at him. And it’s kinda gross?”

“Yeah, of course! Come on in.”

See, Jeongmi was totally clueless to the history between Jungkook and Jisol. They had been rivals at everything, all the way up until high school. But that was a different story. Sighing, Jisol let him in, promising herself to be civil for Jeongmi’s sake, if not hers.

As for Jungkook, he was surprised to see the two three-star black belts hanging in the open closet and the sheer amount of beat-up medical textbooks on the kitchen table.

“Do you want anything to drink?”

“Uh, no. I’m good actually. But thanks.”

And he was 100% surprised at how well Jisol was keeping her cool. Taking the heavy box from him, Jisol gave Jungkook a tight smile.

“I can help Jeongmi unpack if you have somewhere you need to be.”

But Jisol knew that look in his eyes all too well. There was no way this could be the apartment of the Harley Queen, right? There was no way that the Queen would actually be reading and studying to get good grades, right? She had to be hiding the booze somewhere, right? The drugs? The weed? The cigarette packs? And Jungkook understood the tone of dismissal in her voice all too well.

“Then I’ll be going then. Bye, Mi!”

But as Jungkook made his way down to his car, he couldn’t but think of the little collage of Jisol’s baby pictures on the wall. One of them was of the two of them holding hands as they crossed the street. Groaning out loud, Jungkook looked towards the sky.

“STOP BEING IN MY LIFE MIN JISOL!!!!!”

Why was his life so intertwined with Jisol’s?!! On top of already being entangled with every aspect of his life, why was she his ex-girlfriend from preschool too?!! He thought he’d erased his memory of her a long time ago!!

When Jungkook got back to the house, he wasn’t surprised to find Yoongi watching TV on the couch.

“So… how did it go?”

“I mean, Jeongmi seems to really like her, so I guess that’s all that matters.”

Shaking his head, Yoongi sat up straight.

“But I asked what your thoughts on Jisol are?”

“She’s… a lot different from what I expected.”

“How so?”

“She seems a lot more… put together than everyone takes her for. There’s not a single trace of cologne, smoke, drugs, or alcohol in there. I honestly have no idea how the hell these rumors formed about her. She seems really nice.”

“Well… she has changed a lot since high school ended. Plus, the rumors are mostly my fault. But I thought you were-”

“What are you talking about, hyung?”

“There’s a lot of things you don’t know about me, Jungkook. However, this story isn’t entirely mine to tell, so it’d be a tad unfair if she weren’t here to explain the entirety of the situation.”

“But-”

“No.”

Grumbling, Jungkook made his way to the shower. He knew where he stood among the seven guys as the youngest: at the top. But when it came to Yoongi? That was all null and void.

“YAH JUNGKOOK-AH! JOONIE HAS A MISSION FOR YOU, JIMIN, AND TAE!!”

Jin yelled through the door, banging on it to disrupt the peace of the hot, running water.

“Ok hyung! I’ll be out soon! BUT YOU BREAK THAT DOOR I SWEAR-”

“BYE!”

But why was Tae coming on this mission? That almost never happened. He was the one who usually stayed back to work the comms and get all the inside info that was necessary to send to whoever was out in the field. But if he was coming, Joon-hyung’s mission for them had to be insanely top priority if Tae was coming out to play. 10 minutes later, the boys were seated on the floor in front of Joon.

“Does everyone here know Song Yuri?”

“Yeah. We’re all in the same biology class.”

“Well we just found out from our spy that Yuri is actually the heiress of the Ahn Empire in Daegu.”

“Wait… aren’t they the ones-”

“Who created a memory implanter and have passed down some secret through generations, using it?!!”

“Yes, that one. And if everyone else knows, then everyone is going to be gunning for her. She’s dating one of the NCT boys so we have to be careful. From what we know, she’s close with all of the NCT boys so we have to be careful. The reason I chose you three is because you have a subconscious memory of Yuri’s behavioral patterns So please bring her back alive. Got that?”

“Yes hyung.”

“Good. We’ve also got word that it’s one of the Dreamies’ birthdays today so they’ll be vulnerable. I will take the other hyungs to take them out, ok?”

“Ok hyung. See you later!”

________________________________________________________________

A/N: OKAY YAY PART 1 IS DONE OF THE BLOOD UNIVERSE SERIES!! lmao idek if i actually want to turn all the “books” of this series into the same universe but we’ll see:) btw i literally just fangirled so hard in the car when dream glow came on LOL!

↠ part 1 [] part 2 [] part 3 [] part 4?

#jungkook x oc #bts mafia au #jeon jungkook imagine #jungkook imagine #kim namjoon #kim seokjin #min yoongi #jung hoseok #park jimin #kim taehyung #jeon jungkook #HOLY CRAP DREAM GLOW IS SO GOOD!!!#sope #namjin #bts #bts x army

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gwiiyeoweo · 5 years ago

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Umbra sends Noctis way, waaaaay into the past and into Somnus' own bed. Well, the second part he did himself.

Pairing: Noctis/Somnus Rating: Explicit

The Royal Lucian genes are a helluva thing.

When Regis once remarked how similar his son looked to his father Mors, Noctis thought it was pretty common and definitely nothing out of the ordinary. If his biology classes taught him anything, it was that grandchildren can bear a striking resemblance to their grandparents compared to their parents. Noctis had only seen Mors through news articles and the grand portrait adorning the Hall of Kings, its walls dedicated solely to the everlasting frames of royals past. He couldn't really see how a gray-haired man could look so close to 15-year old him, but when he Moogled a younger snapshot of Mors he almost mistook the old photo as himself.

There were definite similarities in bone structure and hell, even that tiny mole near the corner of their mouths.

But this? This is like staring into a straight-up reflection.

He’s literally looking up, eyes half-lidded and face twisted in pleasure with a touch of pain, but through the haze of heat lighting up his body and mind, Noctis can’t help but think of the irony and plot twist and —

“You’re thinking again,” Somnus reprimands, voice just a mark away from a growl, “of something other than me.”

As if in punishment, the man digs his fingers into Noctis’ thighs — just another set of marks to add to the blooming bruises along his wrists and the curious rough circles on his collarbones and neck — and hoists his hips up into a better angle to slam himself into.

It does the trick. Something like fire and lightning, something like magic hits Noctis in all the worst and best ways, and he scrambles for purchase, hands flinging up to claw at the pillows as he arches his back and keens.

He’s learned that Somnus can be gentle in his own ways, if one overlooks the narcissism that veils his true heart — a heart that, beyond blood and family and love, treasures his people and will tread through fire and sacrifices if (when) necessary. But the young king makes for a rough and merciless lover. With every brutal thrust, he draws out a sob and smiles ever the wider for it, Noctis’ wanton cries a sweet music to his ears. He only slows when he has Noctis babbling his name in an incoherent string of stammers and gasps, rewarding him with a soft kiss to his temple before he picks up the unrelenting pace again. “Much better,” he purrs, watching the way his near-copy writhes and sings with a gaze that scorches.

Noctis will admit, that fucking his great-great-great-great-whatever grandfather was never on his agenda; though given the many generations separating their blood, they were probably just as related, if not less, as he would be to Ignis or Gladio, considering how their families were borne out of the Caelum line to begin with. Hell, being transported all the way to this ancient Lucian era was a minor surprise to this fork in the road. The night before they set off for Ardyn and Insomnia, to reclaim the throne and bring back the light, he asked Umbra for a last trip down memory lane, only for the dog to throw him ages further and in free fall thousands of feet up. Good thing he was used to falling by now, and he was never more thankful to still have his warping powers and the Armiger.

Except, he sort of screwed himself over by warping right in front of Somnus Fucking Lucis Caelum.

‘Shiva’s tits, ’ he couldn’t help but think, not out of fear or anxiety but because Somnus looked exactly like he did when he was still twenty. He thought he must have landed in a time before all that… shit went down between the two, before Ardyn turned saint turned martyr trying to foolishly save the world one person at a time. Before Somnus went with the ‘go big or go home’ method and burned down anything that did so much as cough.

Before their clashing ideologies led them to clashing swords.

He never really thought he’d be grateful for being stuck in the purgatory known as the Crystal, but it’s a perk to see their ancient history play across his eyelids like a giant home theater.

Somnus probably shared similar thoughts at seeing his living reflection, considering the bulging eyes and the white cast across his face — which, really, would have been rather comical in any other circumstances — but it wasn’t until later when Noctis was one hundred percent sure that had been the reason, when he looked in the mirror and realized he was smaller and younger and twenty again. Because while Noctis thought he was looking at a past version of himself, Somnus was looking at a near replica of his own. Age and all, minus the hairstyle.

Without revealing his true origins and the outcome of the future, Noctis had to think on the fly, and he still curses himself for not having the same quick mind that Ignis does (Did? Would? Time travel is weird).

“I’m a Messenger,” he said a second too fast, internally beating himself up for being so godsdamn stupid. “I didn’t have a physical form, so I took on the first one I saw. You.”

It worked out in his favor that Somnus was never a god-fearing man, a downright heretic compared to Ardyn, but that explanation was enough to satisfy him. And his ego, probably, that a demigod would choose to liken himself to Somnus’ visage. Oh, and that he currently has said demigod moaning and flushed beneath him, pliant and desperate and sobbing with ecstasy.

“Somnus, ” Noctis cries out, hands moving from the pillow to grab at the man’s arms, blunt nails leaving pink trails in their wake.

Somnus smiles at that, wicked and slow despite the exertion that sweats down his skin and brow. He recognizes the sudden tightness around his cock, of Noctis clenching around him and his stomach straining its muscles, as well as the swell that coils within his own.

“Hold on, pretty thing,” Somnus purrs, moving one hand from Noctis’ thigh to his cock, keeping a grip just a hair from pain but miles away from release. “Together we go.”

‘Arrogant prick, ’ Noctis thinks, despite the frustration and heat haze of pleasure filling his mind to the brim. Somnus may as well stand in front of a mirror and flirt with himself if he’s going to continue spewing words like that at someone who looks exactly like him. But he’s teetering on the edge, held back by a cruel hand and a vicious pace, and he’s desperate enough to even meet Somnus’ thrusts by rocking his own hips in conjunction.

It’s not long until Somnus gives out, and Noctis thinks he blanks out for a moment when all he sees is white, when that same exhilaration runs through his nerves and spine and taps into something deeper than a great orgasm ever could.

Their first time together, Noctis was stuck between fear and wonder when he came to the realization that his magic, as faint as it is ever since it had been culled by that Marilith attack, was reaching out toward Somnus’ own and that — yeah. That’s kinda weird.

He’s had sex with others before, men and women alike, some ending poorly and others fan-fucking-tastic. But that whole magic thing? Still virgin territory. The side-effects of fucking another Caelum, he now knows. He still hasn’t hashed out the details of it, though Somnus is becoming ever the wiser about it, who first chalked it up to the benefit of fucking a so-called Messenger but now has his own suspicions. A matter of time before the ruse is up and Noctis has to come clean about it all like, “Hey! I’m actually from the future and your great-times-a-hundred-somethin’-grandson. The future’s shit, by the way, cause Bahamut and all of you are dumbasses!”

But for now, Somnus cleans them up with nary a fuss about dirtying his dainty royal hands as he wipes them both down with a wet cloth, which is surprisingly soft and fluffy for their time period. Sure, he could be a dick and a half when it came to his personality, but Noctis likes to think of him as a prissy cat that actually loves cuddles and attention. Especially when Somnus drapes an arm around him and practically buries his face into the crook of Noctis’ neck, breathing in their combined scents of each other and their aftermath.

Noctis gently rakes his fingers through the man’s scalp and stares at the ceiling of the canopy bed, wondering how exactly his new ‘future’ will play out. He doesn’t know if or when Umbra will return to take him to the present — he turns his head at every faint bark he hears, and Somnus teases him for it relentlessly — and he damn well doesn’t know if anything he does here will change the timeline anyway. But he likes to believe and hope that he can do at least something, anything to lessen the blows of tragedy when they come.

“You’re thinking again,” Somnus sighs, though his tone is less out of irritation and more of concern. Noctis has figured out how to read these tiny differences, like how those brows like to just slightly crease when worried or how he sets his jaw when angered. His eyebrows are lowered, barely, as his gaze searches for the cracks of truth hidden beneath Noctis’ true face. Too bad he won’t be getting them, not now. “After such a rousing time, even.”

“Messenger problems.” Noctis turns his head to return the gaze, but less inquisitive and more secretive.

“Then tell me, dear night.”

Noctis feels something funky in his chest. Which he’s quick to ignore because he definitely does not want to admit what it is. He lightly taps his forehead against Somnus’ own, craning his neck slightly to meet each other, and does his damned hardest to look at him with as much feigned honesty as he can muster. It’s gotten easier lately, to lie and twist half-truths, but not without effort.

“One day. When you’re ready.”

‘When I’m ready, ’ he means instead. He wants to trust Somnus, but he won’t be ready for the backlash if the worst case scenario happens.

Somnus stares back, lips working themselves into a retort and Noctis expects an argument or a demand to know now. It wouldn’t be the first they clashed with words, Somnus standing on his pedestal and believing his birthright and lineage granted him the secret musings of the gods with Noctis standing just as stalwart and refusing to budge. But tonight instead, he harrumphs and concedes to their middle ground, closing his eyes and burying his face further into the crease between Noctis and the pillows to murmur, “It best be soon, Noctis. I am not known for my patience, unlike my long-suffering brother.”

Noctis only manages a hum, pushing back the anxieties and what-if’s should that time come. When it comes, he corrects. He knows it’s inevitable, that the truth will rear its head one way or another. But it’s up to him on how it’ll all play out and if the results will end up in fortune or disaster.

Right now, though, he’s exhausted — the good kind, not the fatigue that makes his bones ache and his muscles quiver — and Somnus is true to his name, pulling Noctis into sleep with his warmth and soft breath ghosting across skin. He’ll put more thought into it in the morning, come up with a more serious plan rather than half-ass snippets. Sooner rather than later, because Noctis isn’t known for his patience either.

“Goodnight,” Somnus manages through the lethargy in his voice.

“Good… sleep.” Noctis glances down in hopes of catching a reaction to his pun.

And he does, when Somnus opens his eyes for just a moment to make sure the other catches his definite eye roll. Noctis smiles at that, and he takes that image with him into his dreams.

#ff15 #final fantasy xv #noctis lucis caelum #somnus lucis caelum #kinktober 2019 #i can type

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thesffcorner · 5 years ago

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The Fever King

The Fever King is the first book in a YA sci-fi/dystopian duology written by Victoria Lee. I have a lot of very strong mixed feelings on this book, so buckle up; this will be a long one.

In the near distant future, the United States has been withered down to several smaller nations, courtesy of a magic virus that has wiped out most of the population. The virus in the form of a fever, burns its victims to a husk, and those who survive it are called witchings, and they develop supernatural abilities. A 100 years after the original outbreak, we follow Noam Alvarez, a 16 year old boy who lives in the only witching state of Carolina. He’s the son of undocumented migrants, and when an outbreak in a refugee camp kills his father and all of his neighbours, he survives and gains technopathy: the ability to control electronic devices. He gets recruited into Level IV to train for the military, under the direct supervision of the man who created Carolina: Calix Lehrer. I think that long intro, might have already clued you into some of this book’s problems. In case you couldn’t tell, this book is a debut, and it really feels like it. Victoria Lee is a talented author, with a good grip on style and explores interesting ideas. This book’s hook bought me, and her characters (the few that are developed at least) are genuinely intriguing. This book is also highly political, and it’s subject matter is absolutely topical and relevant for today’s issues. If you are someone young, who hasn’t read a lot of political science and wants to get a primer into stuff like communism, revolutions and migrant issues, then I think this book would serve as a great primer. However, there are issues. The plot and the themes are just all over the place; there are also significant issues with the pacing and worldbuilding, and even the characters end up confused. The writing is solid, and I think with some more time and experience, I could really love Lee’s work, but as is, this book is a very much, an ambitious mess. Writing: Let’s start with some positives. Lee has a writing style that’s quite unique, and not something I have read before. She writes in third person, but the writing is very stream of consciousness. Lot’s of scenes, especially at the start read like we are following Noam’s thought pattern; he will interrupt himself, or not explain what is happening fully, because he himself hasn’t processed it yet. Since he’s the PoV character, he ends up feeling quite unreliable, which is a rarity in YA, and his inability to be unbiased and objective, actually factors into the plot, because we flip flop on what is happening and who we trust just as he does, and we operate on faulty or partial information, because that’s what he knows, or sometimes doesn’t notice the discrepancies. Unfortunately, this has the adverse effect of making this book read extremely young. Lee explores a lot of themes here, but the main one revolves around freedom, revolution and what and how much you are willing to sacrifice to achieve your goal. Both Noam and Lehrer do unspeakable things in the name of justice and freedom, and there is a fine line between fighting for a cause and becoming a monster. I would like to say that this theme is handled with finesse, but Noam has a very black and white view of the world, and has the patience of a teenage boy; as such he ends up making a lot of really stupid decisions, and refusing to acknowledge a lot of horrible things. There’s also a lot of discussion of communism, dictatorships, and leadership, all of it feels like a middle grade school report. The absolute worst scene for me was when Noam and Lehrer discuss the phrase ‘dictatorship of the proletariat’; I was cringing so hard as the book ground to a halt to give me a history and philosophy lesson on what that phrase means. It’s so over the top and blunt, and I really didn’t care for it. Tone: If the book was written entirely like this, I think I would’ve liked it more; I am simply not the target audience. I am too old and have been through enough classes, discussions, debates and even real world protests and changes of government for a middle grade discussion on communism to appeal to me. But the book mixes these really simplistic juvenile themes, and a character who read like a 14-15 year old, with brutal realities of what revolution is actually like, and it made for such an uneven reading experience. There are numerous scenes of people dying in executions, from disease, there is discussion of rape, child abuse, assassinations and violations of the body and mind. It’s at once a very ‘baby’s first guide to revolution’, while at the same time attempting to have a very nuanced and complex villain/hero dynamic. The sexual politics of this book especially made me uncomfortable; the scenes between Noam and Lehrer especially felt like they belonged in a much more mature book than this one. Worldbuilding: This is where most of my problems with the book stem from. This is a book that has the very difficult job of setting up this world, explaining how the situation got so dire, introduce the superpowers, the characters, the status quo, and it has to do all of that for 2 separate timelines. I would like to say Lee succeeded but I am still very confused. Let’s start with the positives. I really wasn’t sure why it was necessary that the virus was magic; it could have been any kind of sci-fi virus that changes the morphology and biology of the survivors in order to give them superpowers. The fact that the virus was a form of magical fever that burns up its victims reminded me so much of Osaron from the Shades of Magic series, that I half expected the infected to have black veins and black eyes. What I enjoyed about the superpower aspect was that the powers were tied to something that the person already knew or had a connection to. For example, Noam is very good with computers and coding already, so his presenting power is technopathy, meaning he already knows exactly how computers, electricity, magnetism and algorithms work, so his power is just a physical extension of that. This was the most original and interesting aspect of the setting, and I liked all the bits we got with Noam doing math and physics and why it was necessary for him to learn all of that, before he could really master his powers. The early scenes where Lehrer teaches him and Dara on how to use their powers were great, and though the scene with the coin was lifted straight out of the X-men films, I loved it. The refugees, the refugee camps, the post apocalyptic setting and the politics were all things I have read before. There’s so many elements borrowed from Divergent, The Maze Runner, The Hunger Games and The Darkest Mind; the ending especially felt exactly like the ending of The Darkest Mind. I don’t even need to know that Lee is an avid X-men reader to tell you exactly where she got the estetic for the setting, the apocalypse, the anti-witchery suits, the suppression, the anti-witching vaccine and especially, especially Lehrer’s character. This is where the problems start. First off, the two timelines. Everything to do with the Lehrer brothers forming Carolina, the virus outbreak, the dissolution of the United States and the virus was incredibly confusing, underdeveloped, and lifted straight out of the X-men films. It’s like Lee took bits and pieces of all of them and pulled them all together: Lehrer being tortured in the mutant, I mean witching camps was a mix of X-2 and Origins, Lehrer redirecting the nuclear warhead back into the ocean was from First Class, Lehrer being questioned by the telepath was from X-2, and Carolina having closed its borders and being the only safe haven for withings was from the Genosha/San Francisco storylines in the comics. The reason I point all of this out was because it was so blatant, and so badly patched together that I didn’t feel like Lee had anything to say about these things; she just took bits and pieces of these various X-men storylines, which for better or worse were actually complete and devoted time and development to their implementation. Here, I wasn’t sure why some states were states, like Carolina, while others, like Atlanta were cities. Europe and Canada are mentioned, but no mention of Asia or Africa. Is every other place in the world unaffected? Or did they all execute every single witching and infected person? How come Carolina is supposed to be this heaven when their technology hasn’t advanced past 2019, and yet they are still somehow independent? Everything to do with Lehrer was likewise confusing. He was King, but he then abdicated and Sacha was democratically elected, and yet the state he ruled was a communist monarchy? Why did he abdicate? If everything is infected, how did the Carolina army get to Atlanta to besiege them? And then we get to the migrants. This part was the worst, because it suffered so hard from the black and white morality. The migrants come from Atlanta which is suffering horrible outbreaks of the virus. Even though the Carolinas are willing to let the refugees in, they do everything in their power to keep them secluded, undocumented and completely isolated. Look, I’m not going to pretend that migrants are treated well in most places; they are not. But usually there are bigger issues at hand, not just bigotry. A lot of refugees have problems with learning the local language, adapting to local climate, customs, food. There are cultural clashes between the local and the refugees, religious differences. That simply doesn’t translate here; if the virus isn’t genetic, and it’s detectable, than what good would expending resources to keep the refugees secluded do? They speak the language, there aren’t different customs or religion, the only difference is the city they come from. Carolina and Atlanta are not a good allegory for the current migrant crisis, and I can’t believe I’m siding with Brennan but they really are guests in someone else’s homeland. They can’t just start a revolution and overthrow the government, which is what Noam wants. The way Noam acts this whole book is a righteous rage that’s just ill conceived. Yes, he’s being manipulated, but he acts like no one other than refugees have a hard life, like Ames or Dara or any of the other characters couldn’t possibly have problems. What’s more is he’s never called out on this behavior and he’s never corrected or shown to be wrong, which is just insincere at best and blatantly untrue at worst. Pacing: Like the tone, the pacing was all-over the place. This book is at once overcrowded with information, trying to set up so much, and accomplish even more, while at the same time painfully slow and uneventful. There are pages upon pages of exposition and pontificating on irrelevant philosophical questions, while the actual action is so mediocre. The pacing reminded me of my least favorite part of The Hunger Games; the first part in Mockingjay where Katniss just spends pages upon pages training and locked inside the District 13 compound. The same is true here; once Noam is inside Level IV, almost nothing of interest happens until the very end, with the exception of his detour during the protest. We are supposed to be invested in the character development, but there really are only 2 relationships, and both are… iffy. Characters: There are literary, only 3 characters of interest in this book; none of the supporting cast was interesting in any way, and the 3 other students might as well have not been in the book. So let’s talk about Dara. Dara was the most frustrating character I have read in a while. The best way I can describe him is, he’s Rhy from Shades of Magic; he is a beautiful, deeply damaged character, who is promiscuous, seductive, and completely there to serve as a love interest/victim for Noam. Dara is the second most powerful character in this book, and yet he spends 90% of it drunk, high, locked in a room, or in some sort of peril. There is so much abuse throw his way that I wondered for a second if I accidentally skipped back to The Raven King. As a character by himself, he wasn’t particularly interesting, until the very end of the book, where we get several reveals that have no time to be digested or explored, because the book is over. His relationship with Noam was even more frustrating. He acts appropriately, like a teenager, but he’s also supposed to be older and more clever than Noam, which makes the situation they are put in even dumber. So much of this book could have been avoided if they would just TALK to each other, and even the reveal doesn’t hide how much this whole plot relies on contrivance. Like ok, I will absolutely buy that Dara would fall in love with Noam, but he still violated Noam’s trust, privacy and very core by doing what he did to him for over a year. I also don’t often comment on sex scenes in YA, but I really, really disliked the sex in this book. Like I said, Noah is so naive and reads so young, that I kept forgetting he was 16, not like 14, and even still Dara is at least 18, when they do it, so it was just immensely uncomfortable to read. That scene also had the absolute worst line I have read this year which was, I shit you not “Dara was born to lie on mussed bedsheets with wet hair spilling like an ink stain onto white pillows, flush cheeked” pg.250 I am feeling iffy just writing it down right now, knowing the context of this character! Speaking of, let’s talk about Lehrer. First, let’s all acknowledge that Lehrer IS Magneto. He is a revolutionary who has a very loose sense of morals/regard for human life, he isn’t above violent and destructive means, he is incredibly good at inspiring and manipulating people into joining him, he is Jewish, and he is powerful. I can’t say anything more about him without MAJOR SPOILERS, so if you haven’t read this, skip to the end. From the very first scene Lehrer appeared, I thought the way he acts around Noam was strange. There is a constant, underlying sense of predation in all of his scenes; the scenes are written as a type of seduction, and though he is never explicitly sexual with Noam, it is very clear that his intentions and feelings for Noam aren’t just paternal. Lehrer is praying on Noam, and Noam constantly flip flops between feeling attracted to Lehrer and considering him a mentor, father like figure. This was beyond uncomfortable to read; watching Noam be manipulated for 300 pages was hard enough, without constantly being worried that Lehrer would escalate their relationship. And then we find out that we were right all along, and Lehrer really is a predator; the bruises and marks Dara has are not from Ames, they are from Lehrer. Lehrer, who is his legal guardian, who has raised him like a son. I wanted to vomit. Not only that, but we also learn that Lehrer’s true power is persuasion: it’s similar to Alison from The Umbrella Academy’s power in that he can influence what people who are around him do, and he uses that power both on Dara and Noam. This made the ending incredibly confusing; did Noam forget what Dara told him about Lehrer releasing the virus? Does he only remember certain things but not that? Does he not remember the part where Dara told him Lehrer has been assaulting him for years? If he doesn’t, then why did Noam rescue Dara at the end? If he does, then why does he believe Lehrer when he says he never used his powers on Noam, when he clearly blatantly did? This reveal made the book incredibly fascinating to me, but also, I wanted to throw up. I still feel ill writing this review. I will give Lee all the credit; she got me hooked. I want to see what happens to Noam, I want to see what exactly his relationship with Lehrer will be now that Dara is gone, what happened to Wolf (did he turn into a dog? Fullmetal Alchemist style?) Conclusion: This is an ambitious but confusing book. It’s lead 3 characters, and the dynamics between them are the real draw, but the worldbuilding and plot leave a lot to be desired. I would recommend it, but if you are at all disturbed by abuse, implied rape, and predatory behavior… maybe read the X-men instead.

goodreads

#fever king #fever king review #moni talks #book review

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cinnamaldeide · 6 years ago

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Fannibal Appreciation Day #FannibalFicRecs: Supernatural Elements Edition

After the success of this post for @hannibalficwriters and because there’s never enough fic rec posts, I decided to provide another list of stories I personally recommend, this time around focusing my attention on stories which contains supernatural elements. I know anyone can see my bookmarks whenever they want and I know it’s been a while since the last time I did something like this, but the Fannibal Appreciation Day seemed a perfect occasion to remember everybody how much of a beautiful, creative group of writers we are. This is a day to show our love, to send some good vibes, to share our appreciation to those who make this fandom a better place, who dedicate their time to have a good time and improve my own, along with that of many, many other fannibals like me :) This is my humble offering to your talent and to your presence, you gave me something I wouldn’t find anywhere else in the world.

Altered perceptions » Colourless by @mazephoenix

Summary: Since Hannibal vanished Will has lost his ability to see color.

Mature

Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings

Will Graham, Hannibal Lecter

This brief post-WoTL story portrays the intense ache Will would experience, were he to lose Hannibal after their experience with the Red Dragon. Will could come back home, to his house, to his dogs, eventually to his work, but the world would never be the same. Not without that unique soul that depicted every else in his life in bright light.

Biological Abnormalities » Nature and Nurture (ongoing serie) by @thenecronon

Summary: In which Will’s empathy is more than a quirk of his biology, and his biology is more than human.

Explicit

Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply

Will Graham, Hannibal Lecter, Franklyn Froideveaux, Donald Sutcliffe

I learned to love this writer with this amazing, fucked up story, and here I am, coming back at it full force to recommend anyone with a stomach for oviposition to read it and its sequel. Neither Will nor Hannibal know what happens in Will’s body, which regularly sends Will into heat and produces unidentified substances, they just know they’ll see where their close encounter will lead.

Cursed objects » The Feast is Life by @rubybakeneko

Summary: Following an impulsive purchase, Will begins to dream of a man who makes him feel less alone. In time, he realizes that these aren’t just dreams—they’re interactions with someone (or something) real. Hannibal offers Will the possibility of a life together, but it will come at a price.

Explicit

No Archive Warnings Apply

Will Graham, Hannibal Lecter, Alana Bloom, Abigail Hobbs, Will Graham’s Dogs

Will knows loneliness intimately, it has been with him all his life. Presented with the chance to depart from its vicious grip, Will doesn’t realize his desire for companionship is so strong as to make him a vulnerable target for manipulative individuals like Hannibal. He’ll learn that trusting someone that makes you feel right might eventually make you realise how wicked you’ve been all along.

Devil » Unveiled by @beatricenius

Summary: Hannibal meets a stranger in a bar who claims to be the devil. He just might believe it.

Explicit

Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings

Will Graham, Hannibal Lecter

This delightful story features two non-human creatures exploring intimacy in their human bodies and feelings. The author pictures with clarity the way they study the way the other handles his drink, their lazy chat around something more than a simple rendezvous in an insignificant bar, their dismissive gesture to show it’s not important if, by the end of the night, there’ll be sex at all.

Dragons » Headwaters by @whreflections

Summary: Years ago, Mischa Lecter fled the Nazis with the rest of her family, leaving behind their home, Castle Lecter, and the lesser god that inhabited it- Hannibal, a dark but immensely loyal creature who had served their family for generations. He adored her, more than all the others, and would have kept her with him forever. Instead, he lost her, and has admitted no one to the house since. After his grandmother's death, though, Will Graham doesn't really have anywhere to call home. With all the stories she told him about growing up in Castle Lecter (and about Hannibal, most of all), he can't pass up the chance that he just might belong somewhere after all.

Teen and Up Audience

Graphic Depictions Of Violence

Hannibal Lecter, Will Graham, Mischa Lecter

I already promoted this beautiful work, but I’ll repeat myself if necessary. This delicate story portrays Hannibal and his painful ties with the Lecter castle he can’t abandon. His loyalty compels him to remain in its domain, where Will is going to find him, so that he’ll be able to put an end to their solitude. Mischa couldn’t remain with him forever, but maybe he’ll not be lonely anymore.

Faeries » My crown on the head of a creature (ongoing) by Mx_Carter

Summary: The faery that calls itself Hannibal Lecter happens across a homeless Will Graham on a cold evening and offers him a bed for the night. Things... escalate.

Mature

Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings

Will Graham, Hannibal Lecter

In this beautiful, promissing Universe, supernatural elements and suspance mingle in a captivating combination. Will is wary of accepting Hannibal’s ospitality, despite the cold winder freezing his bones. He just doens’t suspect Hannibal’s true nature, which Will knows intimately. If he learned something from his previous experience with faes, it’s that they cannot be trusted.

Familiars » Dodging the dog by @fhimechan

Summary: AU where Will and Hannibal try to kill each other by proxy, but “proxy” means “deadly animals.”

General Audience

No Archive Warnings Apply

Will Graham, Hannibal Lecter, Will Graham’s Dogs, Beverly Katz

This certainly isn’t the classic way to murder, for either of our beloved murderers, but I can grant you it would have been a much funnier show if Will started trying to murder Hannibal through unconventional means, like he does in this story. The animals aren’t actual familiars, but their role is quite similiar. Will’s reckoning has never been furrier.

Ghosts » Let us pray that hell may not separate us by @soyonscruels

Summary: “Pure empathy,” says Hannibal Lecter, and it will be some time before he realises his mistake. “Pure empathy,” lies Will Graham, in careful agreement, and knows that it’s only a matter of time before he’s found out. “That must be quite a burden to bear,” says Hannibal, and Will meets his eyes, sips his tea, and knows, for once in his life, that he is not the only liar in the room.

Explicit

Graphic Depictions Of Violence

Will Graham, Hannibal Lecter, Abigail Hobbs, Freddie Lounds, Beverly Katz, Jack Crawford

This delicate rendition of Will’s surreal existence, made up of lies and isolation, shows his deep, twisted desire to stop hiding himself. He’s always been the way he is, able to see without withdrawing, he just needs to find someone to understand him as clearly. Will’s life has been a ghost story, with himself as protagonist, until Hannibal came around.

Kitsunes » Breath and Blood and Burning by @thesilverqueenlady

Summary: It’s true that originally Hannibal had had no intention of interacting with Will Graham besides toying with him for the small pleasure it would bring him before Hannibal moves on to the next skin, the next name, the next tail. And then Will stomps away shouting about field kabuki, and, really, that was too great an opportunity for Hannibal to pass up. So Hannibal does the reasonable thing and starts the arduous process of turning Will into a fellow kitsune.

Teen and Up Audience

No Archive Warnings Apply

Will Graham, Hannibal Lecter

Will’s becoming has always been matter of great interest. Hannibal has tried to show him his great potential with his means. In this story, Hannibal sees in Will the potential to become a secular creature capable of surviving time and changes, if only Will abandons his human nature. Hannibal is eager to bend it, to gain a worthy companion.

Mutants » Lot 166 by @highermagic

Summary: Mutant trade is a legal activity. Hannibal has never been inclined to buy one for himself, but then Jack asks him to attend a Verger auction to acquire a special asset for the FBI. What he gets is Will, one of Mason’s “Special Projects.” Whether Will can be useful to the FBI remains to be seen, but now Hannibal legally owns a mutant slave, and things promise to get very... messy.

Explicit

Graphic Depictions Of Violence

Jack Crawford, Hannibal Lecter, Will Graham, Margot Verger, Mason Verger, Alana Bloom, Beverly Katz, Jimmy Price, Brian Zeller, Eva, Bedelia Du Maurier, Anthony Dimmond, Doctor Sutcliffe, Francis Dolarhyde, Dr. Cordell Doemling

Hannibal cannot resist his curiosity, when he’s presented with a mysterious individual with no warnings on his label. Hannibal doesn’t know exactly in what’s he’s getting involved, but unraveling Will’s abilities is not as immediate as it would be with other mutants and Hannibal is nothing if not patient, especially if Will proves himself as interesting as he seems.

Powers » To Welcome in the Year by @coloredink

Summary: Dr. Hannibal Lecter can control time in small, localized ways, but he no longer uses it in surgery; Will Graham can repair small objects, but he works for the FBI. It has been winter for as long as anyone can remember. That's how the story begins.

Teen And Up Audiences

No Archive Warnings Apply

Will Graham, Hannibal Lecter, Abigail Hobbs

In this beautiful retelling of the first two seasons, where the use one has for his own ability is more telling than the ability itself, Hannibal is surprised that Will never considered not to use his gift, wasting what good would be lost. A metaphorical scenario where forgiveness comes with the weight of a physical touch and the cold engulfing them both is not merely a figure of speech.

Serendipity » Astronomical Odds by @xzombiexkittenx

Summary: Based on the joke: Picked up a hitchhiker last night. He said, “Thanks! how do you know I’m not a serial killer though?” I replied, “The chances of two serial killers being in the same car are astronomical.”

Mature

No Archive Warnings Apply

Will Graham, Hannibal Lecter

Considering the little chances of such a meeting ever occurring, I deliberately decided that fate has something to do with this fortunate encounter. How else would Will find Hannibal so interesting so soon? Will has never been a fortunate man in his life, if one watches the serie, but in this story he might have the chance to obtain some happines without compromissing his already dark moral.

Time rewind » At First Meeting by @emungere

Summary: Will relives the day he met Hannibal.

Teen And Up Audiences

Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings

Will Graham, Hannibal Lecter

Despite the pain, the suffering and the anger that paved Will and Hannibal’s friendship, which Hannibal embraced and fostered much sooner than Will did, there’s not a different world or reality as fulfilling as that where Will ends up in Hannibal’s arms, bloody and victorious. No matter how many opportunities Will had at his disposal. He couldn’t be satisfied with anything less than his version.

Transformations » Velvet by @avegetariancannibal

Summary: After the fall, a transformation takes place.

Not Rated

No Archive Warnings Apply

Will Graham, Hannibal Lecter

Assisting Hannibal in his time of need, bloody and bedridden, Will realizes their survival is real, as are the changings happening to themy. Some manifest themselves more physically cumbersome than others. Will needs more pillows than he expected in his new existence, but it’s ok. Neither Hannibal nor himself are to experience alone whatever the future holds for the both of them.

Vampires » Mythics - Prelude by @bokuno-jinsei

Summary: Will is a hunter of mythical creatures, employed to bring mythics who fail to adhere to the new laws and order of society in to justice. When a falsified contract leads him to Hannibal’s doorstep, however, things become rather complicated. But honestly, when it’s a world of demons and monsters and magic, when are things not complicated?

Mature

Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Graphic Depictions Of Violence

Will Graham, Hannibal Lecter, Abigail Hobbs, Alana Bloom, Jack Crawford

In a darkish steampunk scenario, where Hannibal is a vampire and Will hunts those of his kind, where mythical creature and humans are still to find their balance in a civil society, chaos seems to engulf everyone in its thick fog of confusion. This writer beautifully captures Will’s attempts at navigating his way between subtle lies and unstable suppositions.

Werewolves » Beasts (ongoing) by @aametis

Summary: Hannibal tells a lie about his sex life and has to live with the consequences. Will doesn’t lie but he doesn’t tell the truth either.

Explicit

Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings

Will Graham, Hannibal Lecter, Original Male Character

Trusting Hannibal even outside of his psychiatric office, Will decides to show hims something incredible, something rather personal and disturbing to witness. To his luck, Hannibal hardly shies away from what he doesn’t understand. His ability to observe with interest, without judging Will for his choices, is probably everything Will has ever wanted from another human being.

Wishbabies » With a Crown of Stars by @thehoyden

Summary: When the call connects, Will says, “I know what kind of crazy I am, but I’m not this kind of crazy.” “Will?” Dr. Lecter says. “Yes, hi, sorry,” Will says. “It’s me. There’s a baby on my porch.”

Explicit

No Archive Warnings Apply

Will Graham, Hannibal Lecter, Abigail Hobbs, Jack Crawford, Alana Bloom, Beverly Katz, Freddie Lounds, Abel Gideon

When two people want to make a baby and it's not happening biologically, if they wish very, very hard-- well, Will and Hannibal didn’t know, but apparently they wanted one, so here they are and Hannibal suddenly feel like treating that encephalitis. There are in fact means of influence other than violence, family is a concept the both of them need to explore together.

Witches » A Soft Hoodwink of Shadows (serie) by @zigzag-wanderer

Summary: Something a little creepy...

Mature

Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings

Will Graham, Will Graham’s Dogs, Hannibal Lecter, Abigail Hobbs, Jack Crawford, Original Female Character(s)

The real magic elements in this work are the wonderful descriptions of this impressive, poetic author, whom conjures entire landscapes of green and grim, of silence and mist, the kind where one gets lost and is never to be found again. Will escapes with his daughter somewhere far away, somewhere where strange is normal, but he discovers something stranger waits for him right next door.

This is kind of personal, I included writers with whom I daily interacted, whose beautiful souls I saw, among those who have been in this fandom from the beginning and never left it. I’m just sorry I mostly read Hannigraham and I don’t have more names to offer.

I cannot thank enough all those rebloggers who allowed my followers to know I existed, like @h4nnibalism or @crisisoninfintefandoms, all those gifted authors who help @fhimechan and me with the Accidental Sex initiative, all those artists and groups that provide new material despite our interrupted situation, all those patient readers who comment and like my own works, as well as those considerate souls that actually rec my stories or calling me out on their Fanfiction Writers Appreciation Day, like @hannibalsimago and @littlethingwithfeathers, so that I feel appreciated in turn.

As @the-winnowing-wind said, this is a beautiful day to flail about our incredible fandom. To whomever still has to come, You’re welcome. To whomever is still here after all this time, Thank you. You made so many of my days.

#Hannibal (nbc)#Fannibal Appreciation Day #NotDeadYet #Hannigraham #Reading Suggestion #Multiple fic rec #Supernatural Elements edition #I love you all so much guys #Keep doing what you do #Original post #Sfw

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superlepato · 6 years ago

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With Love from Memory Lane

Sorry for the delay, there was a blackout that lasted almost a week and I wasn’t able to write or post the new chapter. This one isn’t checked since I couldn’t find a beta at the moment if someone finds a syntax or grammar error please tell me, so I can change it.

Chapter 1 Chapter 2 Chapter 3 AO3

Chapter 4

One of the things he learns and struggles with was to recognize the advantage in life that came with his designation, while still acknowledging that he was a victim too, but not letting that fact cloud his judgment falling in a loop of victimization.

Nobody teaches you how to empathize with other in aspects that you could never understand and experience and accept that pain isn’t a currency that you can quantify, having more pain doesn’t make less the struggles of others.

Life isn’t a competition to see who suffers more.

In more than one occasion he felt that there was an invisible wall between Steve and him, and he didn’t do anything more than beat himself against it over and over before learning how to address the issue.

At that time when Steve gave him the silent treatment, he didn’t make any effort to be tolerant, he had enough if he wanted to act that way so be it.

They didn’t talk on Social Studies, Science or Language Arts, in the Recess they didn’t even saw each other, well...Steve didn’t, he knows because he was watching.

At school, Billy didn’t lack people to hang with, now that he didn’t spend his time exclusively with Steve his routine changed. He had to learn new directions and phone numbers, he could recognize some places but others were still foreign to him.

He had to call before going out to make sure that they were going to meet in the agreed place. In more than one occasion he waited for hours for the whole group to be complete.

Billy stopped doing it after his father berated him for being a bitch and going after everyone asses instead of showing dominance like an alpha, wasting his money like he was the one paying the phone’s bill, so he did what he was told, like the bitch his father wanted him to be just at home.

From then on he went to any place they decide to reunite (Melvald’s parking lot, basketball court, etc.) if someone wasn’t there when the time came they would leave him behind. Sometimes if the group didn’t schedule to meet after class, Billy would just go to the house of Tommy, David, Michael or anyone for that matter as long as he could stay away from his house.

It was easy for him to call the shots in the group, after the incident with the locker room he became the top alpha by default.

Steve didn’t leave his mind entirely especially when they shared classes, there wasn’t any animosity between them but neither of them made an effort to reconcile either, with the pass of days it was getting easier to think less and less of Steve and his home life, now that he was getting used to his new routine without him.

The day Steve and Billy made amends was on behalf of Steve distress. He would never forget that day and he wasn’t the only one, years later Steve’s breakdown would come as a topic on parties or more private and silent gatherings at the quarry.

That day everything started off, Steve was brought by his father instead of him coming with his bike like usual, the bike was still there just in the backside of the car, Steve’s clothes had wrinkles, his hair wasn’t brushed perfectly, his eyes and nose were puffy and red, it was weird how disheveled he looked. During class Steve was eerie silent and taciturn, not paying attention to classes and not bothering to pretend for the sake of not catching the attention of the teacher.

On recess he didn’t hang out with anybody, he just sat in a corner, head on his knees, in the Social Studies class that only omegas and alphas could attend Steve had his head on the clouds and no matter how many times the old alpha teacher told him to pay attention Steve keep daydreaming.

P.E was an exception, kind of, this time Steve seem to at least try to do the exercises but he did it with such lack of enthusiasm that the coach bench him since it was obvious that he wasn’t at his best, everyone else kept doing laps, in the corner of his eye he could see the still figure of Steve that was apparently sleeping.

Lunch wasn’t any different than P.E, Billy doesn’t know if Steve ate or if he even brought or bought food, but he knows that he spent his time resting his head on the table, a lady came to Steve to check on him but promptly left him alone, maybe deciding to leave him after he gave a poor excuse. It seemed that the only thing he wanted to do was to sleep and dream.

Everything went to shit on Elective, he choose Spanish, the language wasn’t foreign to him since it wasn’t unusual to hear people speak it on the streets of Cali, it would be good to take advantage of this head start, also, it was a plus that he didn’t need to change classrooms as the others.

Omegas electives were three: knitting, sewing, and embroidery (in his opinion they were all the same), any girl could take those electives regardless of their designation, but to omegas it was mandatory.

They were learning new verbs when he heard the yelling of Steve and another person, an adult without a doubt. Miss Whitermoore was an old omega in charge of teaching cooking, floral arrangement, embroidery, and all that girly stuff, she wasn’t actually a teacher, she was more a glorified volunteer than anything else, she never got married and dedicated all his life in mastering the skills she taught, with so much free time she must have decided one day to just to teach those hobbies, nobody seemed to mind, actually it was reinforced to keep those traditional activities alive.

Billy thought that was a lie, half of it at least, they probably didn’t want to go against the old hag since it was better to keep her occupied with harmless activities than being in his bad side and let her focus all that free time gossiping and targeting people to bother, no wonder she was still a virgin, according to the rumor when she was younger she was such an ugly omega that nobody wanted her, she hides in a veil of traditionalism and puritanism to not show the resentment she felt towards everyone and herself.

That was the first time he saw that woman, dragging Steve by the neck, complaining that Steve was being disruptive during class, rude and a complete savage that bite her, promptly showing the mark on her arm with more vigor than necessary, whining how now she needed to see the doctor and how she was going to pay the pills and ointments since she didn’t perceive a salary from the school even though she was teaching for a long time and blah blah blah.

The hag and Mrs. Brown the Spanish teacher went outside, Mrs. Brown had to calm the hag from her rant about needing suture, leaving them with some exercises while they went to the nursery and in search of the homeroom teacher. Steve for his part was sent to sit in the corner.

The moment they were out of the room the whole class went nuts on gossip, some even try to pry information from Steve but he kept his vote of silence in the far corner of the room.

Mrs. Harper the homeroom teacher entered the classroom later, everyone turned to their sits and books, it was obvious that they didn’t fool anyone but the teacher didn’t give them more than a glance from the door frame, preferring to focus all is attention on Steve, calling him outside.

In low voices, the class kept talking, others stood up and went to the door trying to hear what they were talking about, with his ear pressed heavily on the wood door, Billy was one of them.

Mrs. Harper was asking what was the matter with Steve, he wasn’t behaving like usual, receiving complaints from other teachers about his lack of concentration and now his barbaric behavior.

He wasn’t able to hear what Steve said since his voice was so low that he probably must be whispering.

“ Why did you bite Miss Whitermoore? ” she asked with a stern tone.

“ ‘Cause she grabbed my arm and it hurt.” now that Billy can finally hear him, he swears that he could see the pouting face that Steve does when he is a brat.

“ And she did that because…? ” Steve doesn’t respond.

“ She told me that you didn’t want to the work and answered rudely to her. "

“ I don’t know why I have to see that class. ”

“ All omegas had to do it, you know that Steve. "

“ Yeah, but I’m not a girl, how knowing all that stuff is going to help me with anything? "

“ Those skills will come handy when you start a family. " this time she used a softer tone of voice.

“ Are they? they have helped you with something? ”

“ Of course, every day when I cook or when I mend my husband’s…”

“ So that’s it? everything I learned I’m going to use it to keep my alpha husband happy? ” Steve started to raise his voice, enough that he probably wouldn’t need to keep pressing his ear on the door.

“ Steve you can’t marry a man. " Mrs. Brown said without room for discussion.

“ But I have to, isn’t it? Health class taught us how omegas can only be with alphas, even though there are alpha couples and beta couples, there aren’t any omega couples because omegas can only feel complete with an alpha. Never fulfilled without a knot inside them. "

“ Steve Harrington, watch your mouth that’s no way of speaking! ”

“ IT’S TRUE! I’m not stupid or deaf, I can hear what everyone says, what my parents said. I know that I’m screwed, no woman would marry me and I can’t marry a man, I can’t get the job I want. I’m just the boy which his biology will turn into a fag in a couple of years, while everyone pretends that I have opportunities or a future beyond being the town's fag whore or the next Mrs. Whitermoore. This school is BULLSHIT, everyone here is BULLSHIT "- Steve went from pouting and grumbling to straight yelling to the top of his lungs, Billy was shocked, he couldn’t believe what he was hearing. He knew that those words weren’t directed at him, still, his heart beat like crazy on the other side of the door.

“ YOU ARE NO MORE THAN A LIER, YOU ARE JUST AN ORDINARY WOMAN, A BETA THAT NEVER LEFT THIS PLACE AND WILL DIE HERE FOR THE REST OF HIS PATHETIC LIFE ”

Steve was full hysteric, his voice is high pitched until loud slap echoed through the corridors. For a brief moment, everything was on silence, like time just stopped.

“That’s Enough! You don’t have the right to speak to me in that manner Steve Harrington”

Steve watch her through watered eyes and silent tears with an anger that his body could hardly contain, at that moment he was full of hate, hate for his parents, hate for his teachers, his classmates, and the school, hate for his bad luck, cursed to live a life without being loved and the one person who loved him left him, hate that burned inside him with a passion that threatened to burn the world, and if there were a possibility of that being possible he would let it happen. He did what he felt logical at the moment and run away, ignoring the warnings of Mrs. Brown.

The next day Steve’s episode was still the tendring topic in class and it would stay that way for a few more days, rumors were coming and going through school growing to the point of exaggeration. A simple bite turned to be something that needed twelve stitches or something gruesome as tearing bits of skin, how Steve's teeth were full of blood and didn’t come to class because his parents put him in a nut house.

One of the things that may be true was the rumor that Steve was responsible for the broken windows of some of the cars that were in the parking lot, Billy actually saw the windows of those cars when was returning home and they were indeed broken.

The next day Steve didn’t show up either, on the third day the police came to the school, Steve was missing.

#stranger things #steve harrington #billy hargrove #harringrove #with love from memory lane #my writing #a/b/o au #omega steve harrington #alpha billy hargrove

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