#someone tell me why i was able to write this easier than any essay i’ve ever had to write for school?

[empress-hancock]

Please tell me about your male Fire Emblem blorbos!!

The ones that I was referring to in the tags pf that post were Sylvain (3H), Inigo/Laslow (A/F), Saber (SOV), and Pandreo (Engage). The first 3 are a little… weird about women, Saber much less so than the others though (Jessie is the weirdo in that game).

I really really like what they did with Sylvain though. He has, like, the best character development I’ve ever seen in a FE game. He is really self aware for the most part, but there are a few moments when others have to help him a bit (mostly the player & Mercedes) but he does get it. He acknowledges his issues and does deal with them eventually. And I actually really like that, in 3 Hopes, he actually does this on his own during the timeskip. He gets his shit together all on his own and is much more responsible when he comes back. There’s actually a lot of ways in which he’s relatable too, like when he tells Annette “I’d rather people think I’m stupid” when she finds out that he’s actually a genius. I’ve heard enough “you’re too smart for this” to last a lifetime so I understand why he feels like it’s easier. Being measured by what people expect you to be able to do instead of what you’re actually capable of is frustrating. He has a lot of overlap with Hilda & Dorothea too, and I love both of them. He shares insecurities and struggles with them and it makes me wish he had more interaction with Hilda.

The issue w/ Pandreo is really just that he’s a priest. I mean I know the religion in Engage is not the same as in real life (the Divine Dragon being someone that worshippers can actually see and speak to is a major difference), but, like, he’s a priest!

There’s more I like that aren’t so conflicting, though. Lukas (SOV), Hugh (BB), Fogado (Engage), Ashe (3H), Atlas (SOV). I wish they had more characterization though. 3 Houses truly was exceptional in that regard. They utilized the support conversations really well and fleshed out the characters better than they did in any other game. I could write a whole essay on Sylvain, Mercedes, Hilda, Dorothea, Ingrid, Hubert, Petra, Dedue, etc. The other games aren’t bad but they’re nowhere near as elaborate

[small-strong-bookish-butch]

I have a lot of feelings about this. (Disclaimer: I’m speaking not based on research data, or TikTok trends, but mostly from what I’ve seen on tumblr.)

(Other disclaimer: this was one of those “people are reading today” articles at the bottom of my browser, and I thought, “Oh, I know what -core is!” so I clicked on it. I don’t normally click on or read these things.)

Spellings argues that, though she herself describes things as -core, in the 9 years since it’s been coined and circulating the internet, it’s become “meaningless” and “a phenomenon, not just clothes”, and something that people “will forget about a month after they use it.”

“Depop—the resale app beloved by Gen Z—also tells Vogue that the trends that have held strong through 2022 on the app are fairycore, gorpcore, and cottagecore. Kidcore saw an 82% search increase between the end of 2021 and Q2 in 2022. To be clear, my issue isn’t with the fact that young people are coming up with new trends. I’m more interested in the disposability of these terms and the constant cycle of identifying and naming a new thing only to forget about it a month later.”

I think, if you put together what Spellings is saying, it doesn’t hold up. That the -core suffix has risen to popularity over the years, especially recently among people from Gen Z, speaks to its popularity and relevance.

Furthermore, as a writer for Vogue, a well-known fashion magazine, she of all people should be saying that clothes are more than just clothes.

Linguistically, the -core trend is rich with information: in a time where everything is fast and bright and easily digestible, being a part of whatevergroup-core does signify being tied to it in some way, often relating to emotional values or how you’d like to be rather than just clothes. Even more interestingly, people commonly are in several of these intangible, transient groups at a time. What does that say about social ties and community, and ability to blend in and relate to new people?

Even if it’s only around for a short time longer, it would signify a certain time period, both linguistically and socially, where identifying with others and using this kind of language was everywhere, where it was an easier (if possibly watered down) way to find other people who like the same things as you.

And really, at the end of the day, what does it matter if young adults are having rapidly-changing aesthetic phases? Kids and teenagers in general have a propensity to seek out new things, and try to learn ‘who I am’ and ‘where/who do I fit in with?’, and the difference now is that technology is involved, so there’s much more information and, well, trendability.

I think you could argue that, with certain cores, there’s distinct problems arising— like how cottagecore seems is very… full of tradfems, and how almost all people who are into cottagecore aren’t actually going to want to live in a cottage and clean manure and get up very early to feed the animals, and that therefore it’s sort of gentrifying rural life (I don’t remember if that’s the word for it). But I also think, if there’s critical thinking and outside perspectives involved who you’re also interacting with (i.e. not everyone you know and talk to is cottagecore), you can probably not be…. gross about it. I also would add that this is not something the author touched on at all in the article, and that my only online experience with cores being gross is cottagecore.

Overall, I think the author’s issues with -core are that it “doesn’t mean anything” because it’s everywhere, and that therefore it’s “meaningless.” But I’d argue that— even if it is annoying if someone posts a lot about it sometimes!— just because it’s ubiquitous and something that many young adults find happiness and connection in, and though it’s shorter lived and has more variations than fashion/aesthetic trends of the past, doesn’t mean that it’s meaningless: it means it’s more malleable and less tangible than trends of the past, and is changing with the current times and technology and social connectivity, as trends that keep surviving and being innovated do.

[goddess-evelle]

We are here for you

Someone requested this:

Yoo thought of a idea hear me out

Poly dream team x fm y/n

Okay so y/n is having a really bad week like really really bad, and when she gets home to the boys she has like the biggest mental breakdown, she throws things, she shouts a whole load of crap, once she is done shouting and breaking things she hudles in a ball and starts crying.

The boys try to calm her down while also dogging all the things she is throwing they try yelling her name but she can't hear them since she in like her 'own little world'. They leave her for a bit and they have a little talk to try and figure out what happened to her.

By the time she has calmed down she talks to the boys and it turn into a really heartwarming cute ass fluff.

Please can you do this pleaseeee😖

Warnings: Just fluffy

Dream team x fem reader

Okay, so I am not the best at writing fluff, but I gave it a try. <3

Your head banged on the table in front of you. You just got home from college. Your professor had given yet another essay. You were so tired of written essays. You had 5 essays to do, and while you had 2 of them started; they were so much trouble to write. You just wanted to lay in bed for 5 minutes minimum; you just needed to close your eyes for 5 minutes. You had been working so much; barely sleeping so that you could take advantage of the few hours the night provided. Your mind had been too busy thinking of themes to write about. The professor really thought that having a book helped; that only mad you want to slap him. Of course, it’s easier with a book; if he hadn’t given 3 books for 3 of the essays. The problem was that your other 2 professors thought the same thing giving you 2 more books to do the other two essays. You rolled your eyes as you tried to think of how to start the essay. Your eyes lighted up as a thought ran through your mind. Your hands moved quickly on the keyboard as you chased the idea squeezing the juice, and writing as much as you could. Your mind flowed as you wrote for what felt like hours. Your hands becoming numb by the time you finished.

You let out a sigh as you stretched limbs separating as your bones cracked. You looked at the hour 5:45 am you hadn’t even realized it was that early; you started at 11:13 pm working on the essay, so naturally you were a little tired, but you knew better than going to sleep. Thanks to those extra hours you were able to complete two essays which meant you only needed to finish two more, and you would be free to do whatever you wanted. You headed to the kitchen to make yourself some coffee. However, when you reached the kitchen; the boys were standing right next to the coffee maker. You try to breathe as a you try to relax; spending many hours in front of the computer had given you a migraine. You close your eyes tightly as you gulped making your way to the coffee maker. Before you could even touch it; George’s hand came to stop you.

“You can’t just drink coffee all day; you have to sleep” George starts, and you can only roll your eyes. You didn’t have time for this; you just wanted to finish your essays you already had 3 done. You just needed an extra cup of coffee to finish the other 2 essays. You did not have time to be talking right now you had to finish your essays.

“I just want a cup of coffee; it’s no big deal. I just need to finish two of my essays” You say trying to keep your voice low; even though your mind rushed with angry thoughts. Why did they have to interfere in your life? It annoyed you; they didn’t even know how it felt to be surrounded by essays and projects.

“You took three cups of coffee yesterday; I saw you. You have to sleep; you’ve been drinking coffee none stop, and you are not even eating properly” Dream spoke up this time only making you angrier.

“I can’t sleep yet!” You yelled out before being able to stop yourself. “I have two more essays to finish; I just need to keep going, and I will be fine. I will eat after I finish them. I just really need to finish it.” You say voice desperate for some coffee your eyes could barely stay opened. The boys knew what a lack of sleep could do to a person that is why they tried to let you be, but it had gone too far. They had tried to make you eat something, but you refused saying that you didn’t have time. They were scared that you would get sick for not taking care of yourself properly.

“Y/n just please take a break. Your other two essays are due Friday, right? It’s Tuesday; I’m sure you have enough time to finish them.” Sapnap tried to help, but you only saw red.

“I have to finish them now! My mind is just working so fast; I finished three essays already. My mind is just flowing with ideas. I need to finish them now.” You said voice getting louder and louder as they didn’t give you what you wanted.

“We will not let you go back to writing unless you sleep for at least 8 hours” Dream started.

“And- you have to eat at least three meals during the day” Sapnap added trying to persuade you into giving in. You didn’t have any of it; eyes seeing red as you throw your coffee mug to the ground. The ceramic breaking instantly.

“I will not go to sleep! I just need coffee, and I will be good to go! Just get out of my fucking way!” You were completely yelling, and you could only think of the coffee. You pushed pass George as you got to the coffee maker only for Dream to snap it from your hold. Strong arm holding the coffee maker so that you couldn’t use it.

“The fuck are you doing?! Give it! I need the coffee” You said as you yanked the coffee maker towards you; Dream however, did not let go. A few seconds passed as you tried to get the coffee maker; only for Dream’s hand to slip as the coffee maker came crashing to the ground. You stared angrily at the shattered coffee maker that was pretty much useless now. Your body had taken too much as you slide to the ground looking at the coffee maker. Your mind rushed with thoughts as you began crying; the stress from college being too much. You cried to your heart’s content; you looked at Dream before standing from your spot on the floor saying:

“Why the fuck would you do that? Are you fucking stupid?” The words leaving your lips without a second thought as you confronted Dream; now coming chest to chest with him as you looked up at him rage taking over your actions. Your mind being too caught up on the stress to even think. Dream talked to you, but you didn’t even hear what he said.

“I’ve had enough of this. You will go to the bedroom, and you will sleep! I do not care what you want you have to sleep” Dream spoke to you his words being rough as he talked to you. He was done with this he could not let you treat yourself this way; you were hurting yourself for some stupid essays. You moved closer to him as your mind is blank; not even a single thought of what he just said. You knew he was talking, but your mind was too tired to pay attention.

“Y/n please, we don’t want you to get hurt. You could get sick” Sapnap tried, but before he could finish George moved towards you putting a hand on your cheek finally gaining your attention as he said “Exactly, what good are you if you get sick now? You won’t even be able to finish the essays. Just take a break; go sleep, and eat something.” Your eyes widened as you realized what they were saying; they were right; you could get sick, and then you wouldn’t be able to finish the essays. You gave George a small nod as he took you to the bedroom to get you to sleep.

“I swear to god. She always does what George tells her to.” Sapnap grunted being slightly jealous of George’s ability to make you obey him. Dream laughed at Sapnap’s words knowing it was true. George knew how to get you to follow his words.

You opened your eyes to find the boys looking at you. Sapnap had a bowl of food in his hand. While Dream had a water bottle. You sat up as Sapnap handed you the food.

“Thank you” you said, but your mind rushed with what happened earlier. “I am sorry about earlier; I didn’t mean to be rude. I just- I’m just stressed” You said trying to explain yourself.

“We know; it’s okay. We are not mad at you; we just want you to take care of yourself. We love you so much; we don’t want anything bad happening to you.” George said while he engulfed you in a hug.

“We are here to help. You can talk to us about whatever you want. We love you so much; we are here for you” Sapnap said holding your hand. Dream bent down to give you a kiss, and the three of you laid in bed as the boys watched you eat some much-needed food. The night ended with you finishing your two essays as the boys cuddled, and kissed you until you all fell asleep.

[pan-fangirl-345]

Books Bring People Together

Summary: A frustrated and stuck Kaminari comes to you for help, and it somehow blooms into something else along the way.

TW: I made Kaminari ADHD, so I'm sorry if there's anything wrong, I went off what my ADHD friends do and what a medical site told me. I myself am not ADHD, so again, I apologize if there's anything wrong with this. Small swears, and Mineta, which should be a warning in and of itself.

A/N: I have had this half-baked idea stuck in my head for months and I wanted it out, so I am giving you all this!

"Hey, um, (Y/L/N), can I ask you something?" Kaminari asked, sliding into the chair across from you at the common room table.

"Sure, what's up?" you asked, setting your pencil down on the paragraph you were reading.

"Um, this is kind of embarrassing," Kaminari admitted. "But, um, I'm having a really hard time with English right now, and I know that you're right behind Bakugou in grades."

"Where are you going with this Kaminari?" you asked, crossing your arms in front of your chest.

You had heard things about Kaminari, and after meeting Mineta and knowing that Kaminari hung around with him, you didn't have the best impression of him. You had just been placed in Class 2-A, and so far you had mostly hung around with what the other students were calling the 'Dekusquad'.

"I need someone to tutor me," he admitted. "Normally English isn't all that hard for me, but Shakespeare is whack and I don't understand half of it."

"You want me," you started, "to tutor you. Why not ask Bakugou? Isn't he your friend?"

"Yeah, but . . . Bakugou has . . . harsh methods, and I need someone who won't treat me like an idiot," Kaminari confessed.

"Alright," you relented. "Why don't we get started now? Do you have anything going on?"

"No, this takes precedent," Kaminari said, rushing to grab his things.

"Alright, here's my question for you," you said when he propped his book open. "Why don't you understand?" You saw the look on his face change and you winced. "Sorry, sometimes I have a hard time controlling the tone of my voice. Let me rephrase that question." You paused for a moment, thinking of the right words before you said, "What about this don't you understand? What's the one thing about this that trips you up?"

"The formatting for one thing," Kaminari grumbled. "Why the hell is printed like that?"

You chuckled, brushing hair out of your face. You had thought the same thing the first time you had read Shakespeare.

"Alright, how about you just read, and then you can ask me any questions while I work on my own stuff, alright?"

"That sounds like it might work," he admitted.

"If that doesn't work, feel free to let me know," you told him. "This is about what helps you remember the material better."

"No, like I said, normally this is really easy for me," Kaminari said. "Let's try it."

"Alright, and remember, if you have any questions, I'm right here."

"Thanks (Y/L/N)," he mumbled.

"Of course, I wouldn't be much of a hero if I couldn't help people, right?" you mused, smiling at him.

"R-Right!" he chirped, grinning back at you.

You both worked in silence for a little bit before Kaminari leaned back in his chair, rubbing at him eyes.

"You okay?" you asked.

"Yeah, sorry, I'm ADHD, so sitting still and trying to read this is a little hard," he confessed. "And I might be dyslexic, I've never been tested but sometimes reading is hard for me."

You frowned, biting the inside of your lip, running the situation through your head.

"What if I read it to you?" you asked, looking up from your chemistry homework.

"How? It's a play," Kaminari said.

"I used to be in a drama club in middle school," you told him. "It's set up like a script, or if we don't have the energy to act it out, it's not hard to pretend that it's a regular story."

Kaminari stared at you for a moment before he nodded.

"Yeah, yeah I think that might work a little bit better than me staring at the same paragraph for fifteen minutes without actually reading anything."

"What part are you on?" you asked Kaminari, moving to glance over his shoulder at the page.

"Portia is trying to convince Brutus to tell her what's going on in her house. I think."

"Oh, I adore this part," you muttered, mostly to yourself. "Alright, what has you stuck?"

"This part. 'I grant I am a woman; but withal A woman well-reputed, Cato's daughter. Think you I am no stronger than my sex, Being so father'd and so husbanded? Tell me your counsels, I will not disclose 'em: I have made strong proof of my constancy, Giving myself a voluntary wound Here, in the thigh: can I bear that with patience. And not my husband's secrets?' I don't entirely understand what she's saying."

Wow, English must've been his thing, he didn't mess up a single word, and he was able to read it fairly fluently, everything considered. It might have taken him a little longer than normal, but he had nailed it.

"Okay, so she's basically telling Brutus that she won't tell his secrets if he tells her what's going on, it doesn't matter if she's a woman or not."

"What was with the voluntary wound thing?"

"So, it depends. Sometimes, in plays, the women playing Portia will have a fake knife and stab themselves in the thigh, other times they pretend to slice themselves, depends on the director," you told him. "She basically cut herself on the thigh and said, 'If I can handle this I can handle whatever's going on inside your head.' Do you understand?"

"Yeah, but damn, this woman is a badass," Kaminari said, staring down at the pages."

"Right? Some people read that as psychotic, but it's Shakespeare," you told him, "everything in Shakespeare is psychotic to some extent."

"That's fair. Thank you for explaining that to me," he said.

"Of course, that is why you came to me," you replied, laying a hand on his shoulder for a moment before you moved back to your seat.

Kaminari, despite the things you had heard, was actually quite intelligent, it just took him a little longer to get the answer sometimes.

"Thank you so much for helping me," Kaminari murmured. "You were super helpful."

"Of course, I actually enjoyed helping you," you told him. "And if you need any more help, please, let me know."

"I will, thank you so much (Y/L/N)," Kaminari repeated.

"Have a good night Kaminari," you told him.

"You too!" he chirped before he headed up to his room.

You sat down at the table again, staring at the chemical formula in front of you.

So, if zinc only had one charge, positive two, and it was combined with thiosulfate, that meant that there shouldn't be the need for two of the zinc atoms, they would make the charge neutral.

You wrote the answer down, checking the textbook to make sure you were right. Polyatomic ions were a little more complicated than monoatomic ions.

There were only a few more questions, and then you could go to bed too, and you just hoped that there were no trick questions.

You were the last one in the common room, as usual, despite assuring Iida that you were right behind him when he went to bed an hour ago.

"Alright (Y/F/N), time for some good sleep," you muttered, shutting your book and gathering your supplies.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

You had been tutoring Kaminari for about six weeks, and he was definitely smarter than people gave him credit for. Sometimes he just needed a few minutes to think, or he needed something explained to him in a different way than everyone else.

Sero had been joining your little tutoring sessions too, and you had started doing them in Sero's room, since there were things Kaminari could mess with while he studied, and it was an environment where he didn't feel the need to prove himself.

"Hey, (Y/L/N), can you help me with this problem?" Sero asked, waving you over.

"Of course, what are we working on?" you inquired.

"Polyatomic ions, again," Sero said. "I need this extra credit."

"Alright, which one are you stuck on?"

"How do I figure out which Roman numeral goes here? Gold has multiple charges."

"You work backwards," you told him. "When you look at the formula, you need to figure out what charge dihydrogen phosphate has."

You gestured to the chemical formula.

"It has a negative one charge. Right?" Sero inquired, checking the list of common ions that the teacher had given them at the beginning of the unit.

"Right, and you have three of those ions, right?"

"Yeah, because there's a subscripted three outside the parentheses."

"So you have three of those, which means that those three together have a negative three charge."

"Right."

"So now you just have to figure out which gold variant has the right charge to cancel that one out."

"Well, there's only one gold atom, so it's gold three right?"

"Bingo, you got it."

"Oh, that makes it so much easier than what I was doing," he muttered, erasing the math he had been doing, writing down the way you had just shown him.

"(Y/L/N), can you come read through this essay for me?" Kaminari asked. "I think it's okay, but I need another eye on this."

"Sure, hand it over," you told him, taking the papers that he had handed to you.

You grabbed one of your signature blue pens and uncapped it, ready to mark anything you thought he could do better.

There wasn't as much as you were expecting. While Kaminari had a hard time interpreting things, once he understood, he was golden. He had a way with words, you noticed as you scanned through the paper he needed to hand in next class. You assumed that it gave him time to think about the right phrasing of things.

Other than a few grammatical and spelling errors, the paper was well written, and there was nothing major that needed fixing.

"Good job Kami, this is really good," you told him, ruffling his hair lightly.

He responded well to physical affection and praise, you had also noticed, and he made it easy.

Once you got past the typical shield he threw up, he was a nice guy with insecurities, just like everyone else.

He chuckled, leaning into your hand.

You noticed that the others didn't touch Kaminari as much as you did, despite having known him for much longer. They were worried about getting shocked, Sero had told you.

"Why though? He's never shocked me," you had told him.

"He can't control it sometimes, it builds up in his body and it needs an out."

"Well, that still no reason to stop touching him," you had mused. "If he shocks me he shocks me, it's really no big deal."

Kaminari had only shocked you once, during a thunderstorm when there had been a lot of lightning outside. He had gotten excited about getting a 90 on one of his tests, and had hugged you, giving you a slight shock.

He had apologized profusely, but you had waved his apologies off.

"It's okay Kaminari," you told him. "It happens to all of us sometimes."

You were finding yourself thinking about him more than you should've. You had become good friends with both him and Sero, and the other students had started coming to you when they had a question, but Kaminari was a little different.

It had started out with the flirty comments, but slowly those had turned into real compliments. He had been keeping Mineta away from you more and more, and he had even started laying off the perving with the grape rat.

He was a good guy, he really was, despite the playboy attitude. He was sweet, and he was just like every other person in the world.

"Thanks for tutoring us both," Kaminari said as the session was coming to a close.

"Yeah, you're really saving our asses," Sero agreed.

"Of course, come to me any time," you told them both, smiling as you made to head back to your own room.

"Hey, um, (Y/L/N), can I ask you something?" Kaminari asked.

"Sure. You know how much I love questions," you teased, smiling at him. Then you noticed his expression. "Kami?"

"Will . . . will you-" he chuckled awkwardly, messing with the seam of his pant leg. "Can you read something to me?"

"Yeah, of course," you said. "What is it?"

He handed you the book, and you smiled.

"My dad used to read this to me when I was little. I think that's why I love books so much," you admitted. "That was before . . . well, it doesn't matter now. Come on, we can head down to the common room if you want. Or your room, it doesn't really matter to me."

You had visited Kaminari's room on more than one occasion to return things to him, he tended to be a little forgetful, and he had often left things with you.

Despite the fact that everything you had learned about society told you that you should avoid being alone in a room with a boy, you trusted Kaminari enough to be alone in a room with him.

"I really like to read too," he confessed. "But sometimes my brain doesn't like to let me do it."

"I understand, it's okay," you told him, touching his arm lightly. "Are you sure that you'll be able to sit still long enough for me to get through any of it?"

Kaminari, after spending so much time with you over the last few weeks, had figured out how your voice worked, and he rarely got offended by your tone of voice anymore, which you were thankful for.

"Yeah, I like the sound of your voice, it helps calm me down. I think I might pay attention more if you read it to me."

"Alright, sure, let's go," you said, holding the book to your chest.

You knew this book like the back of your hand, and you had a feeling that Kaminari was telling the truth when he said he would be able to pay attention.

Kaminari followed you into the common room of the dorms, trailing just slightly behind, but he was in front of you the moment Mineta tried to get to you.

It amazed you how fast he could move sometimes, when he really wanted to.

"Get lost Mineta," you said. "I have nothing to say to you."

Mineta opened his mouth but a raised brow from Kaminari had him shutting it and heading to his own room so he could think his pervy thoughts in peace.

"I can't believe I was ever friends with that perv," Kaminari whispered. "I think I owe a lot of the girls apologies."

Kaminari glanced over his shoulder, and you smiled at him, linking your hands together.

You were proud of him, he had really grown lately, and you were glad that he was seeing how uncomfortable he had made the girls.

"I'm proud of you," you told him, and he beamed.

He responded well to praise, and being told that he had done a good job.

"Come on, we'll have to go to bed soon if we don't want Iida to lecture us again," you said, sitting down on one of the couches.

Kaminari sat down next to you, leaning his head on your shoulder as your propped the book open.

You didn't mind the fact that Kaminari was a little clingy, the contact was nice, and he always radiated warmth, though whether that was his normal body temperature or he ran hot because of his quirk, you didn't know.

You started the book off, barely having to look at the words as you read, changing your voice as necessary, stopping every once in a while to explain a word to Kaminari that he didn't understand, or to answer a question that he had.

It was nice, spending time with him like this, simply because he wanted to, not because he was going to fail a subject.

Somehow he had ended up with his head on your thighs, and you had one hand buried in his hair, brushing it away from his face, your fingers carding through it softly.

He was making a content noise in the back of his throat, and you smiled down at him, finishing up a chapter.

"Do you want to go to bed?" you asked softly, not wanting to disturb him too much, he had enough trouble sleeping as it was.

He hummed softly, leaning into your hands, and you smiled down at him softly.

You had never been one for crushes, they had seemed pointless, and there had never been a person who had caught your attention like this.

You had thought about it, of course, what it would be like to be in a relationship, but you had never thought that you would have to worry about it.

Well now you were worrying about it.

That nameless, faceless person that had been with you in those daydreams was starting to look frighteningly like Kaminari.

You had panicked when it had first started happening, until you realized that it would probably fade. You had had a friend in middle school who had a new crush every week, and you had assumed that it would fade with time.

It hadn't. That uneasiness that had popped up around him slowly melted into a nice warmth whenever he was close. You had started to stop worrying about whether he would like this, or hate that, and had started to show your true colors.

He had seemed to like you even more when you had started doing that, and you were glad.

But the only bad thing was that now you were noticing other things. His hands lingered a little longer than necessary when he helped you during training, his smile always seemed brighter when you made him laugh. His eyes always seemed to follow you around the common room, and he sometimes appeared at your side when you walked in.

You weren't sure if you just overthinking things or if he might like you back.

But this wasn't a simple crush anymore. You weren't sure what it was. It was a little too early to be love (even though it was just a rush of chemicals in the brain meant for human survival), but it was way past a simple crush.

Was there another step between a crush and love? Was this going to end with your heart breaking? Was there even a chance that he might like you back?

These were things that you kept in the back of your mind until you were alone in your room. Worrying about them in his presence made him worry about you, and you didn't want him to worry about you if he didn't need to.

"Kami, seriously, you need to go to bed."

"If I do, so do you," he told you, making you chuckle.

"I'll go to bed if you will. You are in my lap after all," you teased, pulling your hands away.

"That's fair," he murmured, stifling a yawn.

"Go to bed Kami," you whispered, standing up as soon as your legs were free.

They had fallen asleep a while ago, but you hadn't had the heart to move him.

"Alright," he mumbled, stumbling towards his dorm room.

You smiled softly, heading for yours.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

You weren't sure what woke you up hours later. Maybe it was the three glasses of water you had drank before bed, or maybe it was the fact that your brain hated you almost as much as Kaminari's hated him.

You stretched, pulling a hoodie on over the tank top and shorts that you had gone to bed in, heading for the common room.

You weren't going back to bed any time soon, so you might as well get some studying done with a nice cup of tea or something.

You were almost surprised to see Kaminari sitting at the common room table with his books out.

"Denki? What are you doing?" you mumbled, wandering over.

"(Y/L/N)? What are you doing up?"

"I could ask you the same thing," you murmured, plopping into the seat next to him.

"Couldn't sleep, my brain went into overdrive the minute I tried to fall asleep."

"I at least got a good four or five hours in," you replied. "But it's Friday night, I should be sleeping in."

"What woke you up?" he asked, laying a hand on your thigh.

Kaminari, you had noticed, liked having his hands on you.

Not in the perverted way you had expected though. He liked having a hand on your thigh or on the small of your back. He liked an arm around your shoulders or his arm linked with yours when you all took class outings. He liked being close to you.

"No idea. It might've been a nightmare," you admitted. "I remember faint flashes, but it might've been something else."

"Are you going to be able to go back to bed?"

"Nah, I'll be up for a good while," you told him, leaning into his shoulder.

"Anything I can do to help?" he asked.

"Can you just . . . talk to me?" you inquired. "I like listening to you talk about things. Calms me down."

"What do you want to know about?"

"Anything. Everything. You."

"Did you know that I have a cat named Marshmellow?"

"What? No," you said, perking up a little bit. You had always been an animal person.

"Yeah. He's the spawn of the devil, but I didn't know that when I named him. All white, pretty blue eyes. Pure fucking evil," Kaminari told you, taking his phone out to show you a photo.

"Oh yeah?"

"Yeah, he absolutely despises me," Kaminari said, handing his phone over to you. "Loves my sister though, so he isn't a complete psychopath."

"He's a cat, can animals even be psychopaths?" you asked, moving your seat closer to his.

"No idea, but it wouldn't surprise me if he is," Kaminari said, chuckling.

"You're right, he is pretty," you murmured, flipping through the photos quickly.

Kaminari hummed, but when you glanced up he was looking at you.

He had that look on his face, the look that he sometimes got when he looked at you. It was one of the reasons you wondered if he liked you or not. He looked like he was in pain when gave you that look.

"Denki?" you inquired softly.

"Hmm?"

"Why are you looking at me like that? Like you're in pain? Like you're hurt?" you asked.

You didn't like the way your voice sounded. That little hint of insecurity snuck in, your voice had that clogged sound it got when you tried not to cry.

You weren't sure whether you could handle his response to that, but you needed to know if being around you caused him pain. You needed to know if there was any chance that he hated being in your presence.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

(Kaminari's POV)

Pain, huh?

Yeah, this was definitely pain, seeing her like this, swaddled in a hoodie he had left in her room accidently a week ago, covering her shorts, making her legs look a mile long.

He had tried to ignore it, tried to ignore the feeling in his chest every time he looked at her, tried to ignore the blatant male pride that came with seeing her draped in his hoodie, but he was only human after all.

Denki, after spending so much time with a girl that didn't tend to pull her punches, he knew how uncomfortable he had made the girls with all of his comments. He now knew how it made them feel when he said some of the things he had.

Denki never wanted her or any of the other girls to feel like that again, and he wanted to ignore some of the things that were running through his head, but she was making it hard when she looked at him like that, when she said his name the way that she just had.

"Denks?" she asked softly, moving to get a better look at his face.

Denki had never had a crush, not a real one anyway. He had had his eyes on Jirou first year, but that had been fleeting.

He was flirty, it was just his nature, but this feeling whenever he looked at her . . . that was completely new on him.

"Denki, are you okay?" she asked, putting her hands on his face lightly, making him look at her.

"Do you have any idea what you do to me?" Denki asked, placing his hands over hers. "I wasn't sure whether you felt the same way and I didn't want to mess anything up."

"Denki? What are you saying?" she asked, eyes bright with hope as she looked at him, running her thumb over his cheek softly, almost absentmindedly.

"I like you, (Y/F/N), I like you a lot, and this isn't some . . . three A.M. spur of the moment confession, but . . . it kind of is. The point is that you're smart, and all kinds of gorgeous, and there's so many things about you I wish I could list, but words aren't my thing, and I know that I'm rambling, but I really can't stop 'cause I'm terrified of what your response is gonna be and I don't want to fuck anything up and-"

"Denki," she cut in, smiling at him the way she did when she was fondly exasperated with him. "You have nothing to worry about. Absolutely nothing. I like you too."

"Why?"

Even Denki was surprised by the amount of confusion in his own voice.

"Because you're a dork," she stated. "Because you're smart, even if people don't always see it right away. Because you want to be a hero, because you like to make a difference. Because in the end, you're a good guy, when you get past the playboy attitude and shitty pickup lines. Because you're cute and all kinds of soft. Because apparently I have a thing for hyperactive morons with screwed up hair."

"Rude," he muttered, but she smiled at him even wider, and he knew that it was worth it.

"Am I wrong?" she asked softly, swinging her legs around to get closer to him.

"No, but that doesn't mean that I'm happy about it," he mumbled, pouting slightly.

She gave a small giggle, something that rarely happened, and Denki smiled, wide and unburdened.

"So, what do you say about going on a date?" he asked, tucking her hair behind her ear to get a better look at his face.

"I think that's the smartest thing you've ever said to me," she teased.

Denki pouted again and she touched his nose lightly, making it crinkle in response.

"That wasn't a no," she told him, wrapping her arms around his neck softly.

"You know, this looks good on you," he whispered, touching the hem of the hoodie carefully. "And it looks very familiar."

"It does?" She pulled away to look down at it and her eyes went wide. "I didn't even know it was yours. I just threw it on on my way down here. When did you even . . . .?"

"I left in there like a week ago," Denki informed her. "I thought you had just kept it."

"I didn't know it was in there," she admitted. "But I'm not sorry that I'm in it, it's very comfortable."

"We can share custody," he murmured.

"We'll have to," she agreed. "I don't think I can deal with never wearing this again. You actually have good taste in hoodies."

"Why are you so surprised by this?" he asked.

"Because most of the time your style seems all over the place," she replied. "But that's not a bad thing. It makes you unique."

"Normal is overrated."

"A normal sleep schedule is not," she said, standing up. She grabbed his hands, pulling him to his feet. "Come on, we can chill in my room if you want to."

"You aren't nervous about having me in there?" Denki asked.

"No, because I know that if you try anything I can knock you on your ass. I also trust you," she told him, linking their fingers together softly. "Is this okay?"

"More than okay," he breathed, stepping close enough to brush their shoulders together.

He could get used to this.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

(Your POV)

It was a rare day when you and Denki got a day off together. Being heroes was tiring, and schedules were always weird, so when you both got a day off together, you always spent them together.

"You're up early," Denki murmured, slipping in behind you from where you were sitting on the window seat of your apartment.

He wrapped his arms around your waist, burying his face in your neck.

"The baby woke me up," you said.

Said baby padded into the roof, tail high in the air, a smug look on that cute furry face as he jumped up onto the seat, curling up in your lap.

"Marshmellow, don't lay on my book," you muttered, pulling the book out.

"Told you, he's fuckin' evil," Denki murmured, kissing your shoulder lightly.

His shirt was slipping off your shoulder, and Denki treated uncovered skin like a target, regardless.

"How long have you been up?" he asked.

"Only an hour or two, and you looked so peaceful, I felt bad waking you up. I know that you've been getting more action than I have these last few weeks," you murmured, taking one of his hands, kissing his palms softly, leaning back into his warmth.

"I love you," Denki hummed.

"I love you too Denks," you told him.

"Read to me?" he requested, and you smiled.

"Always," you replied, finding your spot in your book again.

[blackradandmad]

why blippi is rotting yr children's brains

preface: i literally expect no one to read this. it is an essay length, strong opinion piece critiquing a niche youtube-based children's show that i don't expect most of y'all to even have knowledge of lol. but like, i promise that even if you know nothing about what i'm talking about, in my incredibly, super humble opinion, it's a good piece of writing and interesting nonetheless. anyway if you read this whole thing for some reason yr really hot and we should kiss.

i thoroughly vet everything my child watches before he watches it, episode by episode. and we rarely watch youtube for entertainment; we usually just look up educational videos when he has a question about something and wants more detail than i can provide him. and that's mainly because children's content on youtube is so fucking troubling and distressing. i don't judge parents who give their children a tablet at a restaurant at all bc i've been there and sometimes it's easier on everyone to just put on a video and avoid a giant scene, but i do judge parents who just leave their children alone with youtube kids on autoplay.

take stevin john, a literal millionaire who got famous from dressing up as a silly character called blippi and going on tours of places like aquariums, zoos, construction sites, etc and posting it on youtube. this has branched into a whole empire of blippi videos, hulu shows and specials, live shows and tours (that he outsources to another character actor), merchandise and so on. this 30-something year old man cites his main influence as being mr. rogers, but i question if he's ever even seen an episode of that program.

mr. rogers had no background in early childhood development or media production, but he revolutionized the world of children's media, because he respected his audience and didn't shy away from real world situations, all while creating a show with an enormous heart. mr. rogers begins his episodes by inviting the viewer in, literally changing his attire to be more comfortable, and talking about/doing things he genuinely cares about. whereas mr. rogers calmly and maturely addresses the viewer, blippi puts on a high pitched, contrived voice, interjecting every other sentence with a forced exclamation such as, "teehee! we're having so much fun!"

i don't find it a coincidence that john (blippi) is a veteran, either. his videos are completely devoid of the absurd, abstract, childlike thinking that makes children's media fun, creative, and entertaining. his thinking and process is methodical, devoid of emotion, and very superficial. this line of thinking clearly shows the kind of creative sterilization and emphasis on sameness and conformity instilled in the military. blippi simply observes things and interacts with them in a stale, matter-of-fact way. "this ball is purple! this ball is pink! anyway... what's over there? teehee! a car! vroom, vroom!" objects are colors, toy cars don't do anything but drive, curiosity is simply not encouraged.

he uses the "it's educational!" excuse to hide the fact that his show lacks everything that makes media a valuable resource for children to consume in the first place. further than identifying colors, numbers, and the occasional letter or shape, there is just this total lack of children's need for social and emotional development. when mr. rogers breaks the fourth wall to address the viewer and let them know they're special, it feels authentic and natural, because we've spent the last half hour building whole worlds with diverse characters and unique stories in a pretend neighborhood, learning about and enjoying different musical instruments, being exposed to and making friends with (even if parasocially, it is still a real bond to children when done properly) children who are similar to us in character regardless of physical or environmental differences, feeding the fish, making art together, and so on. when blippi tells the viewer, "you are very special, and i enjoy spending time with you!" it falls completely flat and feels unearned, because the last half hour was spent running around a soft play center pointing at bright, colorful objects, visiting interesting locations like farms or fruit production factories while failing to acknowledge the humanity of the humans actually working there (everything is machine or product focused; the human workers are simply an extension of the machine), learning "fun facts" about elephants that just list attributes of elephants, not taking the opportunity to inform the viewers of elephants' intelligence, or diet, or matriarchal society. it is a loud, sensory overwhelming display of a man so disconnected from the social and emotional needs and desires of children that he assumes they're stupid, easily entertained idiots who only need some silly dances and fast-moving cartoon graphics to give their attention (meaning time and desire to purchase products meaning $$$). john clearly views his audience as a means to gaming the algorithm and ultimately a paycheck by the hollow way he addresses them.

the show is so narcissistic, so focused on all the fun blippi is supposedly having, but he lacks any of the character traits that make individual children's show hosts memorable, so much so that he was able to have someone else who doesn't even vaguely resemble him dress as blippi and impersonate him and host the show or appear at live shows, and it went unnoticed by most of his toddler and child audience. the show is so formulaic and the character of blippi is so unmemorable that instead of taking the blue's clues route of developing a story of the host leaving for college and his brother now stepping in, or making some sort of believable excuse for the change in actors, they can simply swap him out with some random guy and not acknowledge it at all. although a comedy show for older children, the amanda show in no way could or would try to replicate the show with the same name but swapping out amanda bynes with a random teenage girl who is clearly not amanda bynes. it's weird and nonsensical and shows that his character is so much of a farce put on for a paycheck that not even his dedicated audience is affected or even cares when he is replaced by a random, unknown person.

this is completely garbage content made by an opportunist with no experience with children who saw his nephew watching children's youtube content, took it at complete surface level and still hasn't realized that while children's content only looks and feels so easy, entertaining, and enriching because it is so hard to do well. even with outsourcing his music, that aspect of the show still sucks. famous and successful children's musician, raffi, is known for his song describing the life of a little white whale, called "baby beluga." it opens with a calm strumming of his guitar, followed by the lyrics, "baby beluga in the deep blue sea/swim so wild and you swim so free/heaven above/sea below/and a little white whale on the go." is it silly and kind of pointless? yes, but the point is that he is captivating children and showing them the fun of listening to music, dancing, singing, and appreciating art. the "excavator song" featured in an episode of blippi about construction vehicles opens with what sounds like a default garageband loop and the flatly sung lyrics, "i'm an excavator/i'm an excavator/hey dirt, see you later/i'm an excavator." i don't feel i have to meticulously analyze the aforementioned lyrics; the stark contrast should speak for itself.

i have a million more criticisms about both blippi specifically and youtube children's content as a whole, but this is already so long and i doubt many people will get this far anyway. it's an issue i was completely apathetic towards until i had my own child and had to wean him off these kinds of junk food shows because i realized the fast-paced visuals and bright colors and repetitive songs/lyrics were putting him in this spaced-out, fugue state, and he thought he could demand this show or that show whenever he wanted. the moment he started regularly yelling things like, "watch! cars!" or "no! click it!" i knew i had to be a lot more invested in the things he watched even if just for entertainment or as a soothing message. i showed him an episode of mr. rogers yesterday and feared it would be too slow to hold his attention, but he was mesmerized, greeting and interacting with mr. rogers verbally, asking me, "what's that?" to different objects on the screen. since purging this low-brow children's entertainment, he has had a noticeable increase in attention span and concentration, can focus on a task for longer amounts of times, is more likely to "read"/look through books without me initiating it, and doesn't throw a fit when the tv/my laptop is off.

i just know that for me, growing up with so much unsupervised internet access definitely led me to real-world pain and consequences, and it seems like now children are born with an iphone as an extension of their arm. if my child is going to be consuming videos, i'm definitely supervising every second and am going to be highly critical of the videos and the credentials (or lack thereof) of the creators and team behind it. but i also know, from pure observation admittedly, that parents letting youtube kids autoplay parent their children for hours at a time is not an uncommon occurrence. and it worries me that a generation of children are being raised on videos that rely on being as loud and bright and superficially enjoyable as possible. what's the use of a child knowing their colors and alphabet if they don't know how to treat people with kindness and empathy and respect? there is something wrong for a children's show host to plug the spelling of his name at the end of his videos ("well, that's the end of this video. but if you wanna watch more of my videos, just type in my name! can you spell my name with me? b-l-i-p-p-i!") after essentially rotting his audiences' brains for a half hour. there's something so insidious about the prioritization of naming different parts of construction vehicles over honest depictions of and conversations about dealing with feelings, or why someone with autism may act differently than you, or what to do when you feel lonely, or ways to make art and express yrself creatively. also, not to mention the blatant police propaganda and outright worship is seriously jarring; as a black mother to a visibly non-white child, i cannot sit there and watch blippi show kids how to be a bootlicker for the shittiest profession on earth, but that could be a whole essay in and of itself.

anyway, thanks for reading, if yr looking for quality children's content, i recommend, in no specific order: mr. rogers, sesame street, the electric company, molly of denali, daniel tiger, bluey!, blue's clues, the odd squad, word party, trash truck, puffin rock, uhh... that's definitely not an extensive list but that's just off the dome!!! ok bye y'all <333

[howelljenkins]

how do you/what method do you use to study? maybe im being whiney but 10th grade is really just being one prolonged slap in the face telling me that i dont have any good habits or even sense of a work ethic at all

to be completely honest with you i’ve never been one to sit down and study (although I do have some general studying/getting shit done tips here). for transparency‘s sake, I am one of those people who just naturally does well in school. that being said, there are a few things that I think have contributed to my academic performance and maybe they’ll work for you too :)

1) Learn to understand, not to get the right answer. It’s best to approach schoolwork with a mindset geared towards actually learning the subject rather than answering all the problems on a worksheet or whatever.

2) Prioritize + take shortcuts. Set your goals (whether that be quantitative grades or qualitative) and figure out what it takes to get there. Focus on those important things and allow yourself to take the easy way out for other assignments or lessons that don’t factor into those goals if you need that time for something else. For me, this can look like choosing not to turn in one assignment to focus on another project because I know I dont need said assignment for my grade or for my learning bc I already understand it.

3) Adapt to what works for you and go easy on yourself. If possible, don’t work against your natural habits and instead try to incorporate them into your studying routines. For example, rather than forcing myself to sit still and listen to a lecture, I bring my knitting or crochet with me because I know it’s a way for me to move around while still being able to pay attention. I also am awful at starting essays so rather than just sit and stare at a piece of paper or a word document I literally start writing the paper into a tumblr post lol because it just feels easier to me. So. Work with yourself.

4) I know everyone says this but understanding your learning style really goes a long way. It doesn’t have to be a concrete categorized style (mine definitely isn’t, and it varies depending on the subject) but think back to previous classes and teachers and note what worked vs what didn’t. I mostly learn by doing things (aka solving a problem myself rather than watch someone else do it) and by understanding the “why.” I like to recognize patterns and make connections. When I‘m learning a subject, I don’t just focus on it in a vacuum. Instead, I think about the history behind it, the linguistic background of the terms, who came up with it, what influenced its conception, how it contributed to other discoveries, etc etc etc. Since I know that that’s how I learn, I know forcing myself to sit down and read the same pages over and over is useless and I can use my time more wisely. Try to think back to your favorite subjects and teachers and remember why they clicked so well with you and use that to your advantage

ok sorry i dont have an easy one-and-done answer but hopefully this can help u figure out the best direction to go in in terms of developing your own “study” habits

[lord-multifandom-murder]

Silence is golden (Fred Weasley x reader)

A/N: This came to me in a 'poof' moment.....and technically I haven't been writing Fred content so I guess I should make up for it.

Summary: You're quite a quiet person, and almost a wallflower. Little did anyone know, you were extremely mischievous underneath that quiet surface. Fred finds this out after your friends get bullied.

Warnings: I suppose none, per usual.

Requests are OPEN!!

Since you were extremely quiet, no one ever expected you to play pranks. They always suspected it was the twins, Fred and George Weasley.

The perfect cover.

Fred and George always thought it was strange. Weren't they the only troublemakers in Hogwarts? Or was there someone else who did it in the shadows?

To be honest, George was more laid-back on the matter, but Fred was more bothered by it. It could damage their reputation as pranksters. Seeing that it wasn't them, and that these pranks were rather way out of their league.

Interestingly enough, that person always left a mark. It was rather odd, because no one in their right mind would do that, except for this daring maverick. It was always the same thing, a drawing of an 'X' wherever the prank was set up.

They were well-thought of, and almost nothing was left by the person who did them. Well, little did anyone know, it was you. You were quiet, yes, which made it easier to do things since no one bothered you. Since you were silent half the time, no one really bothered to wonder what you were thinking about.

Now, except for Fred.

He had noticed you sitting underneath a tree in the courtyard, deep in thought. It wasn't strange to find you alone even though you had friends, but Fred being Fred, came over to bother you. Mainly because he wanted to ask you on a date, really.

No one ever would have thought he would've fallen for the silent bookworm, Y/N Y/L/N, who was so quiet sometimes if you were standing right behind someone, they wouldn't know until they turned around and jumped in fright.

Fred had witnessed some of those exchanges, really. And he thought they were actually very hilarious.

"Hello there, Y/N," he smiles. You look up to see him standing in front of you, casting a shadow over. "Hello, Fred. What're you doing alone on this fine day?" you ask, quirking your eyebrow.

Fred looked surprised that you knew it was him, because him and George were always easily mistaken for each other; it was sometimes good, and sometimes bad. You could tell it was him because little did he know, you were around him more often than he would notice.

Rather if it was a prank, or just sitting nearby him in the Great Hall, after making a few observations, you could roughly guess who was who most of the time, which got easier after a while. And technically because you had a secret crush on the extroverted redhead.

You smirked amusedly at his face. "Think, Weasley. I wondered why you haven't placed a finger on that 'quiet person' stereotype yet."

Fred chuckled and sat next to you, leaving a slight distance between you to be polite. "I was just wondering if you weren't like the other quiet kids I see around here."

You smile. "It's nice to see that you don't judge a book by it's cover Fred. I admire that about you."

Did I ever mention that you were rather blunt with your words?

Fred blushed slightly but didn't say anything. You smile and mirror his behaviour. "Say, could you help me with some Charms homework? I heard you're very good, considering I always hear Flitwick bragging about you in-between classes."

"Sure, d'you wanna go to the library? It's more quiet there so I can focus," you say, ready to stand up. Fred suddenly grabbed your arm and pulled you down. "Sorry, but uh....I'm actually busy at the moment but maybe we can meet tomorrow in the library? After lunch? I'm not in a hurry to turn this in."

"Okay then, after lunch," you repeat. Fred smiled and got up, brushing his trousers. "Well, it was nice talking to you Y/N, but I have an appointment with my dear twin brother."

"Bye, then. Oh, say hello to George for me!" you say with a playful smile.

"Don't worry, I won't forget!" he calls back, jogging off. You smile quietly even though you were screaming internally, and went back to thinking.

---------

The next day, you were walking to lunch with Neville and Ron. He was helping to tutor the both of you since you weren't doing very well at the subject.

You met with Harry and Hermione and they greeted you as you sat down. Hermione gave you a kind smile and started asking you a bit about what Neville taught you and Ron about. Neville eagerly entered the conversation as you ate and discussed about the proper way to manage a Fanged Geranium.

"What're you doing here, Longbottom? Shouldn't you be in the greenhouses playing with dirt?" a snide voice sounded. Hermione grimaced as Malfoy walked towards the Gryffindor table.

"Shove off, Malfoy. It's none of your business," Ron grumbled, stabbing his Shepherd's Pie rather violently.

"Manners, Weasley. Honestly, Longbottom. Why are you ever here? You can barely do magic. You're worse than that Mudblood Granger."

You stood up abruptly, turning around to glare at Malfoy.

"Oho, Y/L/N! What're you going to say? Share your thoughts! Oh wait, you can't because you barely talk!"

"That's enough, Malfoy!" Hermione snaps angrily. "Shut it, Granger. Go on, Y/L/N. Do you even know words?"

You sigh, and nod. But that's all you do. Malfoy tried to bother you again to say something, mocking your chosen silence. You huff and turn around again, holding a fork at him, surprising everyone. You motion for him to move back to his table.

Surprisingly, he complies and slouches away. Fred watches you with awe as you sit down calmly, as if nothing happened, with people gawking at you. "Silent, but deadly," he thinks to himself, as he watches Hermione scold you for brandishing a fork at Malfoy, while Harry and Ron were chuckling amongst themselves about how funny his face was.

As you made your way to the entrance of the Great Hall, you feel someone tap your shoulder. You look around to see Fred grinning. "That was pretty cool, what you did back there," he remarked. You smile. "Thanks, I've been meaning to do that for awhile."

Fred smiles again. "He's a right git. He deserved that."

"So I assume we're going to the library?" you ask, strolling out with Fred. "I see you remembered our little study date, eh?" he grins.

"I don't remember calling this a study date," you say, looking at him. Fred groaned inwardly. "I-I didn't mean-"

"Nevermind, it's fine. I dont mind if we thought of this as a study date," you say, trying to cover up your blunt mistake, feeling bad for making Fred nervous.

He shrugs. "It's fine," he says. "Let's go on our study date, then." he decides with a playful smile.

Once you reach the library, you bring him to your favourite place, which was a tiny secluded haven. Little did Fred know, you were there half the time when you were formulating a new prank.

You had your secret stash of books there, filled with all sorts of stuff. Strategies, inventions and ideas. But, Fred needn't know that. It's Charms he needs.

So, you sat next to him, Fred happily finding comfort in a squishy armchair he claimed just seconds ago. So, on went the lesson.

And on went your plan for revenge on Malfoy.

After helping him with most of his homework, you excused yourself and went to sit a little further away at a desk while he finished up his essay.

You pulled a book out and started to read. Fred looked up at you as you read and blushed, remembering how cute you were when you focused. "Mind finishing your work before you admire me?" you ask, not taking your eyes of your book.

Fred chuckled. "I'm finished," he says. You close your book and move towards him, taking his parchment and reading it through to check for any mistakes. "Well, it seems that we're finished here," you say, giving the paper back to him and going to your desk to keep your book.

Fred smiled and stood up. "Well, I'm glad that you decided to help me. I wouldn't have been able to even pass this up without your help!" he says, while zipping his bag.

"I'm glad that you came to me for help, actually. Not many people thought that I would want to, since I don't talk much," you say.

"But you've talked plenty before!" Fred exclaims.

"'Course I have. Only when people initiate the conversation first. And only if I want to talk to them."

"Then I consider myself lucky that you wanted to talk to me," Fred jokes, laughing with you. You smile quietly before Fred leaves, when you said that you had work of your own to finish before going back to your Common Room.

Work, that is, for a prank to pull on a certain blonde brat.

Fred walks back in a daze, with a stupid smile on his face. When he went into the boys' dorms and sat on his bed, he shoved his face in to the pillow and hugged it hard. George and Lee who were playing a round of Exploding Snap watched with smirks on their faces.

"I assume your little study date with Y/N went well?" George asked with raised eyebrows.

"Very well," Fred answered happily.

---------

That night, he couldn't sleep. It was silly, the fact that he had fallen so hard for you that he was kept awake just by the mere thought of you. Yet, he wasn't complaining.

He sighed and sat up. "Oh, what's the use?" he grumbles to himself. He stood up and padded quietly to the door. When he opened it and sneaked down the stairs, he decided to go and have a nice cup of hot chocolate.

While he was navigating through the corridors, he heard footsteps. Quick and light, he noticed a shadow darting in the neighbouring corridor. He hurried over, and his eyes widened in surprise to find someone he wasn't expecting to see late at night. That certain someone who kept him up for the same reason.

You.

You had a bag slung over your shoulder, walking as quietly as possible. Fred looked down and noticed you weren't wearing shoes at all. He then saw you hurry down a flight of stairs, and through a secret passage that he never knew existed.

He quickly followed you, wondering what you were up to. He then noticed that you were heading in the direction of the Great Hall. He followed you curiously, watching you sneak through the giant doors towards the Slytherin Table.

He followed after you, but then accidentally stubbed his toe on the bench leg, causing him to hiss out a curse. He saw you lift your head, and then hide under the table. He limped padded towards you and rapped the table.

Underneath, you were hyperventilating. Shit, you thought. I didn't see anyone!

But then you heard Fred's hushed voice. "Y/N, is that you?" he whispers urgently. You peek your head out from underneath the table and looked up to see a bewildered Fred peering down at you.

".....yea?" you ask timidly, not sure of what to say to him. This was a rather awkward exchange.

"What're you doing here? And why do you have a marker-wait....," Fred asked, suddenly realising something. "Were you the one playing all those pranks?" he asks, surprised.

"What if I am?" you defend. Fred looked under the table to see a little contraption sticking out from underneath. He takes note of a little red 'X' beneath the table. "So you are," he notes.

"Please don't tell anyone! I'm sorry!" you blurt out. "Sorry? For what? And why in Merlin's name would I tell anyone?" Fred asks.

"I'm sorry that everytime I play a prank I let the blame fall on you! I just thought it was fun, playing tricks secretly," you mumble.

"Hey, it's fine! So, you ARE that famous secret prankster! Me and George have been dying to find out who it was! Your pranks are ingenious!" Fred exclaims.

You blush. "Thanks," you say. "I guess it helps that you're quiet sometimes, no one bothers you much," you say.

Fred looks at you in awe. "And I thought that you couldn't get anymore amazing," he says. "What?" you ask, confused.

Oh well, it's now or never.

"Well, Y/N, I've liked you for a while now, and I was wondering if you.....wanted to go to Hogsmeade with me on the weekend?" he asks shyly.

You weren't expecting this.

"Sorry-I-you don't have to if you want, I just-," Fred stammered.

Suddenly, you jump on him and hug him tight. "You're serious?" you ask, your voice slightly muffled.

"Yes?" he answered uncertainly, looking down at you. He was then taken by surprise when you kissed him. It was rather quick, but when you broke apart, both of you were blushing.

"I'd love to," you whisper with a shy smile.

"W-wait, really?" Fred asks.

"Do I need to repeat myself?" you ask with a raised eyebrow.

"Y-yea, especially before you kissed me," he says.

"Idiot," you snort, leaning in again, but this time kissing him slowly, his arms slowly winding around you and savouring the moment.

"I'd love to," you repeat. Fred's face breaks into a wide grin and spins you around, causing you to shriek with laughter.

"Shhh! Aren't you supposed to stay quiet?" Fred snickers. "Blame the one who caused me to make the noise!" you shoot back.

Both of you laugh amongst yourselves before sneaking back to your dorms.

---------

"So you're telling me that Y/N is the person who's been pulling all those pranks?!" George exclaims at breakfast, after Fred regaled his night time wander with him.

"Yes! And don't tell anyone! If they ask, just say that we don't know," Fred hisses.

George raised his eyebrows. "Don't you dare, or I'll hex you into next week," Fred threatens, brandishing his wand at his twin.

"I get the message. No one's gonna believe me anyways," George says, before diving into his breakfast. Fred looks around to see you stroll into the hall and he waves you over excitedly. You smile and walk over.

"Morning, beautiful," Fred greets, kissing your cheek and surprising people nearby.

"Hold on......since when were you and Y/N dating?!" Ron asks.

"Since just now," Fred retaliates, sticking his tongue out at his younger brother. "Are your feet cold?" he whispers to you.

"No? Why would my feet be cold?" you question.

"You were walking around barefoot last night! Your pretty feet must've been freezing!"

"I had my reasons for not wearing anything," you say mysteriously. "Oh? Do tell," Fred says.

"Shoes make too much noise. It would attract attention easily, what's to say no one'll hear me clacking around in the middle of the night?"

"Unless you stub your toe on something, the pain's a bitch," Fred grumbles, still salty about stubbing his toe last night since he was just wearing socks.

You snort, but is quickly drowned out by a loud yell coming from the Slytherin Table.

Everyone turns around and roars with laughter when they see Malfoy head-to-toe in some Colour-Changing Ink.

Fred noticed that Malfoy was sitting in the same place where he found the little device. His point was proven when a Slytherin cried out, "Hey! There's an 'X' on the floor!"

He looks at you with a wide grin. "So THAT'S why you snuck out! You're lucky no one caught you!"

Fred watches you in awe as you ask Hermione to pass the marmalade calmly while everyone was howling with laughter at Malfoy.

You smirk, leaning over to say to him quietly, "Told you, Weasley. Silence is golden."

[wisteria-lodge]

lion primary (bird model) + slightly burnt lion secondary

Hi there! I’m a fan of your sorting posts, and of your kind and insightful way of supporting people in finding out more about themselves. So naturally I’d be very interested in your take about my own sorting, if you’re game! :)

I won’t talk much about my Secondary, because now that I’m starting to unburn my Lion seems very clear to me, even when my explosion-prone Badger model still tries to get in the way of that clarity sometimes. The more interesting riddle is my Primary. So far I’m operating under the working theory that I am a Lion with a very strong Bird model - or is it the other way ‘round?

The supposed dichotomy between “thinking” and “feeling” in many of the more binary personality models has always bugged me, so it’s no wonder this is the area where whenever I feel like I’ve decided on who I am (for now) a new question mark pops up (so much fun!).

If ‘thinking’ and ‘feeling’ doesn’t work for you as terminology, it might help to think of Lion as leading with subconscious reasoning, and Bird as leading with conscious reasoning.

Instead of trying to formulate a cohesive text, which would have gotten even longer, I’m putting together an associative list of thoughts and stories that kept turning up while I was trying to figure out my Primary.

A very Lion primary way to solve a problem, not gonna lie ;)

- I think I got my Bird model from my father, who made quite an effort to teach me to look at things from all angles. As a child, whenever I got in a fight with this friend I had, he would sit me down and ask me to put myself in my friend’s shoes. It was hard, because a lot of the time my friend was being unfair to me and I actually could have used some support, someone to tell me that it was not okay to treat me this way. But I’m still immeasurably grateful for my father’s lessons, through which I’ve learned to understand peoples’ motivations and gained an understanding for the complexities of every conflict. He also taught me to doubt, to look closer, to not just believe the first thing I see, or want to see. To this day I still consider my ability to pin down the relevant factors of a situation before I make judgments one of my strengths.

That definitely sounds like a very strong, beloved Bird model.

- Whenever I had to write an essay at school or uni, I first had to come up with some aspect about the subject that I really cared about, even could be passionate about. (I am passionate about many things, so it was usually possible to find some connection to that.) Then I would use the essay to discuss this aspect in great detail, ending with a polemic flourish. I had the time of my life doing that; meanwhile the text would structure itself magically in relation to the issue I had chosen to focus on. Whenever I tried to write without such a focus, I’d get bored, stressed and the text would be of a much lower quality.

- Something similar happened in oral exams at uni: Only when I got the opportunity to bring a discussion paper (a few pointed statements regarding the exam topic) which I could then debate, I was able to recollect all the important details I needed for that. If I just had to report on the topic or answer questions, I often got confused, to the point of drawing a complete blank.

Linking things to emotion and passion - thinking with emotion and passion, basically - is a Lion primary thing. Especially if doing that makes you feel safe & comfortable & effective & happy.

- Even as a teenager I was very interested in philosophy, ethics and moral decision making.

I love teaching philosophy to teenagers. It’s the perfect time for it, they are so into it, and if it were up to me I would absolutely make it a required class.

I picked up certain philosophical ideas and concepts that I liked and integrated them in my belief system (yes, I know how very Bird that sounds).

I had my mind blown by Genealogy of Morals in high school, and I still won’t shut about Eichmann in Jerusalem. But what was so staggering to me in high school was… here are these ways of thinking that are possible and allowed. The fact that here they are in words in front of me made me a great deal more expansive.

Now that I think about it — I don’t remember adjusting my beliefs as in any way traumatic back then. The shift from a belief in the Christian God to Mother Goddess to my very own brand of agnostic paganism was smooth, natural.

Now that I think about it… I would describe myself as a mythic relativist (which is a term I just made up.) Systems of belief are metaphors, and they’re metaphors trying to describe and say something large and beautiful about what it means to be human, and what it means to live a good life. And since we are all human, they are all attempting to describe the same central, indescribable thing in different ways.

I feel this very deeply, but it took me a long while to be able to articulate it.

I constantly reevaluate, and I adapt.

You stop reevaluating and adapting, might as well be dead.

Still, there are some basics I’ve kept with me that just make too much sense to me to give up, and some that perhaps I keep because I just really like them and I’m kind of attached to them.

… somebody’s thinking with Pathos :)

- I’m a constructivist at heart, so that makes it much easier to tweak the content of my beliefs while staying true to the principle that we (socially) construct our reality, and (my take on this): that I choose what kind of world I want to live in, and according to that I make choices which are the most likely to create that world.

- At uni I attended a seminar about the development of moral judgment and action. What I remember most clearly about it is how much it bugged me that the other students didn’t seem to understand that morality always depends on the perspective. Even though I had definite moral convictions that I was ready to fight for, at the same time it seemed obvious to me that theoretically there could be a justification for every kind of moral guideline; it depended on your principles and the world you wanted to live in.

A human after my own heart.

I wanted to understand these different perspectives, not talk about empty categories like “right and wrong” or “good and evil” that meant nothing to me. I still feel that way.

Absolutely. I don’t use alignments when I DM Dungeons & Dragons. I mean, I can list evil *things* but that’s not the same thing as defining *being evil.* I want to know WHY these people did these evil things.

It just seems so impractical and complicated to base a conversation on those broad categories that don’t have any definition people can agree on instead of referring either to defined principles (in order to explain what good/ bad is *for you*) or consequences of certain actions, and whether you want them/ accept them/ don’t want them.

Oh that’s a fun discussion. Asking a highschooler to define “evil.”

(and then they have to figure out what moral systems Jigsaw, Pinhead, the Joker, and Bane all subscribe to.)

- Between “the Revolutionary” and “the Grail Knight”, I would love to be the former, but I’m clearly the latter. I’m someone who questions, not someone who knows.

Take my archetypes with a grain of salt, they are supposed to describe characters. (Who are different from people - but still useful, because they are attempts to describe us.) I actually want to write more about the differences I see between the way fictional secondaries are written and the way real-life secondaries work.

And just “knowing”... is dangerous. That’s how Exploded Lions happen. 

There are a lot of causes I find worthy to fight for, but I haven’t committed to any one, which so far I’ve attributed to my Burned Secondary (How do I do things?).

Sounds about right.

If I’m honest, though, it feels a bit strange to really, really fight for anything. I’d rather contribute to the cause by keeping an eye on whether we stay aligned to our values on every level of the fight, not by storming sightlessly in front of some army. (I got polemic again, didn’t I? ;))

So after all this Bird talk, why do I think that I’m a Lion?

… that was the Bird segment?

- I trust my intuition. It has never steered me wrong, with one exception: My Primary burned for a time when I first understood the concept of privilege and internalized bias, which was coincidentally at a time when I also went through a lot of changes in my personal life. Like many people unaware of their own privilege, I had thought of myself as “one of the good ones”. I learned that even with the best intentions I could cause great harm without even noticing it. This then also happened to me in a relationship, when I was already confused, hurt and more than a bit burned. It seemed like I couldn’t trust my intuition anymore, but I also couldn’t figure out intellectually what to believe, because I felt mentally overwhelmed by all those new concepts, all of which put my previous convictions into question. Which Primary burned then?

Been there, done that, it’s brutal. It sounds to me like a Lion dramatically changing direction - that’s what I mean when I say that it *hurts* when a Lion changes their mind. Birds see their past selves that thought wrong as almost different people. “I wasn’t aware of my privilege then, now I am, and can take steps doing forward.” But if you’re a lion it’s like… I *should* have been aware, and the fact that I wasn’t says something terrible about my moral/emotional calibration, and THAT has to be put right.

- I felt like everything I had learned about the world and myself didn’t count anymore. My concepts and my strategies didn’t serve me anymore. So I started to rebuild everything from scratch, this time with less pride and more practicality.

Yeah. That’s some Lion recalibration. With a Bird Model, to help.

- Anyway, I trust my intuition. It contains my experiences, instinct and all my accumulated unconscious observations of the situation, and it’s very reliable. Usually I use it as an important source of information which I try to back up with data/ understanding, but when push came to shove and the apparent facts would contradict what my intuition told me, I would be unable to set my gut feeling aside. I wouldn’t follow it blindly, of course. But I would never just go against it either. If the voices of my unconscious and conscious mind don’t align, I keep poking at the issue until they do. If I absolutely cannot come to a satisfying conclusion, I go with my gut. Since I know it usually knows what it’s doing, I’ll find out the reasons for my feelings later. (Weird, says my inner bird who is busy compiling these examples.)

I’LL FIND THE REASON FOR MY FEELINGS LATER. What a perfect way of articulating what is perhaps the central experience of being a Lion primary.

- Probably I’m just both, you know. Some interesting lion/bird-chimaera. I like it.

I read you as a pretty clear Lion Primary, Bird primary model. But as always, the decision is very personal.

- I have a weird way of processing information: I read/ hear it, work to understand it, work to connect it to existing knowledge in my mind, then my beliefs, my existing knowledge and my feelings about it all wind around each other, grow into each other, some dissolve together, becoming a swamp which then nourishes the plants of new ideas and connections that grow from it.

You grok it. And that’s not weird.

I often can’t remember where certain knowledge came from. I can’t take it out of a memory shelf and tell you about it. I usually remember that I’ve read a certain book and whether I liked it / it influenced me, but I won’t exactly remember what was in it, even if it was important to me. Because all that information is already processed/ digested/ transformed into something new. It’s much easier to access my memory swamp intuitively than consciously.

and you seriously had like… any doubt that you were a Lion.

In intellectual discussions I tend to get stuck because I just can’t remember enough of the details (for my satisfaction), just my conclusions about the topic and how I feel about it.

I’m inclined to think that not accessing the details is either a secondary thing, or an entirely unrelated processing thing.

What do you make of all this? I’m very curious!

:)

[On an unrelated note, I’d like to specify the compliment I made at the beginning of this post. I’m really impressed with your ability to pick up on what people need, not just what they say they want. As a counselor this is a skill I try to hone, so I know how difficult it is to not get too distracted by the story people tell and miss the more subtle cues. You have a powerful combination of perceptiveness, insight and so much kindness, which you use to effectively support people who have questions, are in distress or confused. You don’t generalize. You don’t judge. You see the people who talk to you.  I love that you’re a teacher, because I can see you’re using the influence that gives you in a way that contributes to making the world a better place. Fellow Idealist, I’d like to give you a High Five for that, if I may. :)))]

I’m not sure I’ve ever been given a better compliment. Thank you.

[ahockeywrites]

Sister - Bowen Byram

Request: Hi could you please do one for Bowen Byram where he is dating Cale Maker’s sister. Since the start Cale has told everyone she is off limits but her and Bowen got close and started dating. Maybe they hide it for a bit and they either tell him or he finds out and is mad and protective over her but he then sees how Bowen treats her and comes around.

A/N: Hi! Thanks for the request! I hope I’ve done it justice. I also used an OC because I found that it was easier to write Warnings: little bit of angsty Cale?, mainly fluff though, swearing

Baby Makar, little Makar, Cale’s baby sister. Jessie had heard it all before. As much as she loved her older brother, there was only so much teasing she could take. Especially as she had been spending a lot of time with her brother’s rookie teammate, Bowen Byram. And not just as friends either, they had been dating in secret with only the Landeskogs knowing. 

Mel and Gabe had been amazing at keeping their relationship secret from the rest of the team and even invited the two along to family dinners regularly. But what scared Bowen the most, was Jessie’s brother.

At the start of the season, Cale came into the locker room and told everyone that his younger sister was coming to study at CU Denver and was to be living with him for the next few years. He told them multiple times that she was off limits. Everyone agreed and no one thought anything more of it until she appeared on his arm for one of the events the Avalanche were required to attend. She caught the eye of almost every single man in the room but one of them caught her eye. 

Bowen Byram, he was wearing a dark suit and tie combo that immediately caught her eye and when Cale introduced the two, they immediately hit it off, so that by the end of the night they had exchanged numbers and planned to meet for coffee in the next few days.

The dates were occasional because of Bowen’s travelling schedule and Jessie’s slightly strange college timetable but the majority were in coffee shops on campus because they didn’t want anyone to take photos of them together in case Cale saw. Cale had noticed that both of them were happier, but couldn’t put two and two together.

It was the first home game of the season at the Pepsi Center and Jessie had her Makar jersey hanging off her frame but she wished it was a Byram one. She sat next to Mel and let her in on the secret relationship. Mel was very supportive but encouraged the two of them to inform Cale of what was going on but understand the situation was a difficult one.

September came and went, and the two were still hiding the relationship from Cale, but he started to suspect something especially when he found a Byram jersey in the wash basket. He just assumed that Jessie had picked up one of her friend's jerseys and said that she’d wash it for them. There couldn’t be another reason, surely?

October came and went and Cale was still oblivious, even when he had invited a girl he had started seeing to an event and Bowen asked if he could take his sister. He agreed, assuming that he would rather go with someone he knew than go alone. It made sense, he would do the exact thing. Cale thought he was being nice as he knew that the two were friends and it meant that she would be able to see some of his teammates again.

November. November was where it all went wrong. Bowen and Jessie had decided to go on a dinner date, their first in this relationship. They both dressed up for the occasion and Jessie had even told Cale that she was going on a date and where she was going in case for some reason he needed to come and pick her up. Cale decided that he needed to make sure that his little sister was okay on her date and asked Nate and Tyson to come to dinner with him that evening at the same place, to which they agreed.

He was shocked to see his sister sat across from one of his teammates when he had explicitly told them not to. Nate had to hold him back from disturbing Jessie’s date because he cared about her too much to let him do that. Cale was fuming on the drive home and refused to talk to anyone on the drive home and went to bed immediately. At practise the next day, when he was paired with Bowen for drills he refused to talk to him because he had realised why he had been trying to be nice to him. 

“Bo,” Cale said, “can I speak to you for a second?” He asked, trying to keep his cool but struggling. Bowen agreed and followed him to somewhere more private to talk.

“What did I say as soon as I came in here at the start of training camp?” Cale started and Bowen suddenly realised why he was asking. “Bo, what did I say?”

“Don’t date your sister’” Bowen sighed.

“And, what are you doing?” Cale questioned.

“Dating your sister,” Bowen explained.

Cale couldn’t take it anymore and left the room. He just couldn’t understand why one of his teammates would just ignore everything that he had said. Cale trusted his teammates but he felt like they had betrayed his trust.

Bowen was nice enough to send Jessie a message letting her know that Cale knew about their relationship and she was shitting bricks. How the hell was she meant to explain this to her brother?

Cale rushed back to his apartment and found his sister, sitting on the floor finishing up an essay. She looked so peaceful but he knew he needed to ask her about her relationship before he shouted at someone. 

“Why didn’t you tell me about Bo?” Cale asked gently, slightly unsure how to have this conversation.

“Because I was worried that you’d start breaking this and you said I couldn’t date any of your teammates,” Jessie replied quietly.

“I’m not happy,” Cale spoke, “but give it some time.”

Jessie stood up and walked over to give her older brother a hug. She was thankful that he hadn’t blown his lid.

A few hours passed and a nervous Bowen was at the Makar apartment and didn’t know what to do. He meekly knocked at the door and when it opened he was greeted by his girlfriend. They hugged and Jessie told him that Cale had gone for a run so they were safe to watch a movie as they had planned. 

Cale returned to see Bowen and Jessie cuddled up on the couch, under a blanket and knew that he couldn’t be angry at his teammate anymore. When Bowen moved slightly to go to the bathroom, Cale caught him off guard and pulled him into the kitchen. “You be careful with my sister, you hurt her,” he said, staring into the young boy’s eyes, “you will be in trouble.” Bowen nodded convincingly promising to be good to her. 

When Bowen made his way back to the couch, he pressed a kiss to Jessie’s forehead and she meant into his touch. Cale watched from afar, knowing that Bowen would be a welcome member of the family soon.

[doberbutts]

Where was my father’s male privilege when he was beaten by his father so savagely that he went deaf, while his father’s girlfriend watched and did nothing?

Where was my father’s male privilege when he was abandoned and locked inside an empty apartment until the 1950s equivalent of CPS was tipped off he was there and took him to save him from starvation, because dear old grandpa and his girlfriend at the time didn’t want a defective child once they figured out they’d permanently fucked him up?

Where was my father’s male privilege when he bounced from foster home to foster home until he was held down and raped by one of his foster brothers, tried to tell his foster mother, and she just called him a faggot and left it at that?

Where was my father’s male privilege when he was finally reunited with his mother and had to scrape together a living by eating stale bread and running errands for what turned out to be local gangs, because she was too poor to feed another mouth?

Where was my father’s male privilege when he watched a black man shot by police bleed out in the street?

Where was my father’s male privilege when teachers who should have caught his deafness instead made him believe he was failing his classes because he was stupid because that’s just how black people are?

Where was my father’s male privilege when he got the tar kicked out of him by his white classmates who felt emboldened by their female teacher’s anti-black racism?

Where was my father’s male privilege when he brought the subject of racism up with the school board after a cross was lit on fire on his desk, and he was dismissed by both male and female staff?

Where was my father’s male privilege when he struggled to find a job after completing college, completing a master’s degree, which he paid for exclusively with scholarships earned from his competitive essay writing, because no one wanted to hire a disabled black man?

Where was my father’s male privilege when he was accused of assault by a white female student who could not keep her story straight and eventually admitted she had made it up because she wanted to put her black principal back in his place?

Where was my father’s male privilege when he was violently cuffed and illegally searched while I sat in the carseat and he was forced to comfort me through the window?

Where was my father’s male privilege when his wife, my mother, was immediately disowned by her entire family for associating herself with him? When she was forced to make a choice between a future with him, or her family? When he sees this echo with his children, and my sister’s children have still never met my brother-in-law’s family despite more than 10 years of marriage?

Where was my father’s male privilege when he came to pick us up from school and my school refused to let him in until the cops verified he was exactly who he said he was? Despite his name matching his ID, the lanyard he wore stating he was a principal at a nearby school, and the name on the school registry as being one of my parents? Despite me being called into the office to peek through the blinds at him and verifying that yes, this was my father?

Where was my father’s male privilege as neighbors who protested living near a black man repeatedly called the police on him as he pulled into the driveway of the house he’s lived in since I was born, let himself in with his own key, with ID to match the address and having known these neighbors by first name? To the point my white-passing mother had to diffuse the situation?

My father is straight and cis. My father is black and disabled. My father is a survivor. My father is a lot of things, and I have a lot of complicated feelings about him, but he is not trash. He has not skated through life as though it’s easy. His life was significantly harder than my mother’s, and her life wasn’t easy either. He has been hurt by men. He has been hurt by women. Some of the instances he has been hurt, my mother was directly sheltered from because she is a woman.

Her father was also an angry drunk, but deliberately did not take his anger out on his daughters, preferring to beat his son bloody instead. Mom has the trauma of watching her father beat the piss out of her brother and having to patch him back up after, but never of having been beaten herself.

Mom found herself in compromising and dangerous positions at times, but was protected from physical harm by her brother and the other men around her who saw it as their duty to protect the girls from that sort of thing. Literally the only good thing about rural purity culture.

Mom has a history of speaking out against racism and discrimination when she sees it, but has never needed to throw a punch in her life, because there was always a man around to protect her from the resulting fight. The men might not have agreed with her views on race but they were connected to her and thus duty/honor bound to protect her if someone tried to jump her because she wouldn’t let them beat up the black kid or told them to stop bothering the asian kid.

Mom never once had to stop and consider that it would be kinder to her partner to break things off.

Mom has never been falsely accused of assault because it’s just assumed that women don’t do that.

Mom has never been accused of trying to kidnap us because it’s believable that a white woman has mixed race kids that are darker than her but inconceivable that a black man has mixed race kids that are lighter than him.

Mom has never had the police called on her for entering her own house in their very white neighborhood.

Mom has only been pulled over once in her life, and the cop was far more interested in what my sisters and I were doing in her car than anything she might have potentially done.

My mother is straight and cis. She is also a white-passing POC and disabled. My mother is a survivor. My mother is a lot of things, and I have a lot of complicated feelings about her, but even she admits that her life was easier than my dad’s.

Cis, straight men suffer. White men suffer. My uncle is also a white-passing POC and a survivor. Do you know how much pent up anger he has? Still has, even though my grandfather changed and got better and apologized and owned up to his wrongs? Even though my grandfather’s been dead for years now? My uncle is sullen and prefers a bottle to take away his pain, pain he’s not been able to process, not been allowed to process, and he’s been that way since he was a child, which is not surprising considering what I’ve been directly told the beatings entailed... and things are always worse than what you’re told when it comes to that.

And all of that anger and resentment and rage and pain builds and builds until one of his sisters pokes him a little too hard about it and then he roars at them and storms off and he knows it’s wrong to take it out on them and he knows it’s not fair and that they only mean well but it hurts and he knows no other outlet besides lashing out because that was the only thing he was ever taught. Men get drunk and then get angry and then get violent. So he stops himself at yelling because he knows he can’t hit in anger, and he leaves and bangs doors behind him and stomps off until he calms down.

And you can say “dude needs therapy” and you know... you’re not wrong. But why would he ever seek it? When he sought help as a child he was told to be a man and suck it up and harden and grow some balls. His mother didn’t intervene to help him. You know, I know, he knows it’s because she was afraid her husband would turn on her. But it still hurts to know your own mother let your own father do that to you. Repeatedly. Over and over and over again. The most help he ever got was some first aid from his sisters when my grandfather decided he was done being angry. His teachers just knew him as an angry, sullen boy who frequently got into fistfights with other angry, sullen boys and chalked new bruises up to that. 

If you grow up like this, betrayed by everyone who is supposed to help you, then why would you ever consider seeking outside help as an adult?

And if your reaction is- see? He is a violent man! He is part of the problem! He could seek help and won’t because he is a stubborn man that wants to make his problems into women’s problems by relying on his sisters!

Then you fail to understand that my uncle is the way he is because of unprocessed, repeated trauma and betrayal that he was actively discouraged from seeking help to free himself of the cycle and start to heal. And his sisters were the only people in his life that did not harm him in that way, so at this point his sisters and his wife are the only people he trusts when triggers get poked and the pot boils over.

He does need therapy. He’s not likely to ever seek it out. And it’s because he was born a boy that this happened to him, and it’s because he was born a boy that no one was willing to help when he needed it most.

These men are not part of the queer community. They still were made vulnerable, and needed help, and did not get any, because of that same logic that drives these feelings about men not needing to be helped or included or assisted today. It’s not progressive just because the logic is coming from the queer community this time instead of conservative christians.

[ronsenburg]

Hi! I wanted to ask you something about Klapollo. What topic/argument do you think could possibly cause them to break up or take a break from the relationship? I live for the drama and was thinking about maybe writing a fic but like I dont want to make either of them assholes, like Apollo bringing Kristoph up to hurt Klavier, for example. I don't think he would do that but I struggle to come up with something else.

Oh boy, I hope you’re not upset about this, but I wrote you an essay. I’m sorry.

Overall, I really like the klapollo relationship timeline because, compared to, say, narumi/su they have a much more normal, organic story. They meet, flirt, share a mutual trauma, get together! Totally normal! But I also think that they would have a much harder time than narumi/su finding the balance you need in a serious relationship and I can see them calling it quits for perfectly practical reasons that aren’t really anything to do with one being a jerk, you know? Here are my top things that I think they would have to navigate and maybe struggle with before a real happily ever after:

1. Money. You’ve probably seen my post where I talk about Apollo feeling uncomfortable with displays of affluence. I don’t think that this is an easy one to get past. AA6 Spoilers, but Dhurke and Datz literally raised them in hiding on the run in the mountainous jungles of Khura’in. They sent Apollo to the states as a nine year old. We don’t know what he did when he got here, but my money’s always been on the foster system. That doesn’t typically breed a sense of stability, financial or otherwise. 

From my experience (so take it with a grain of salt), children who grow up with very little tend to behave in one of two ways when they reach financial stability and/or achieve wealth: first option, they’re really bad with it. They spend it nearly as fast as they make it on things they didn’t get to have or experience when they were growing up. Second option, they never spend it. They know what it’s like to be without, so they save as much of it as they can so they have the security of knowing, if something happens, they won’t have to go back to the way it was before. I will always put Apollo in the latter category. He works hard for what he has and what he gets and, I think, things that signify extravagance make him uncomfortable. On the other hand, I think that the Gavin’s have always had some sort of wealth. Klavier and Kristoph have very different aesthetics to their spaces that we get to experience (Klavier’s office and Kristoph’s cell) but they’re both pretty lavish. Now, we can assume they each made their money individually in their respective careers but, honestly, Kristoph’s cell is so gaudy. To me, it screams “this is what I’m used to and I refuse to accept any less” which is an attitude that I feel comes more from a lifetime of that treatment. 

So if we accept everything that I’ve said above as true, trying to put a person who saves every penny they get and feels bad treating themselves with a person who spends money freely because it’s been a constant throughout their life? It can go poorly. Casually dating, maybe it’s not such an issue once Apollo says “please no more presents and can we just get takeout for once?” but if you’re talking about something more serious, where you have to live in the same space and pay joint bills and be confronted with the other person’s spending habits constantly, it’s a whole other thing. Please take it from me as a person in a long term relationship who loves their partner tremendously—everyone fights about money. Everyone. It would be very difficult for Apollo to feel comfortable, even if he knew that finances were in good shape and there was savings, etc. Things happen, people leave. Nothing gold can stay. Changing that line of thinking takes work. It would also be easier said than done for Klavier to just do an about face on his own habits for Apollo’s comfort. Being a celebrity makes money, but it costs money, too. There is a certain amount of lushness that people expect. That can’t just go away. These are things that become bigger problems overtime, no matter how much you love each other. 

Anyway, I would be really surprised if—even if you’re writing them as really happily married—Apollo doesn’t have a ‘emergency fund’ that even Klavier doesn’t know about. It’s a ‘just in case’. Just in case Klavier leaves him. Just in case he needs to get away fast. Just in case the world ends. It’s not a logical thing, something that he sat down and rationalized doing, it’s just there because it feels better to have it than to not. But that can be kind of hurtful if the other person finds out about it, so. There you go, a whole minefield of money related drama.

2. Apollo’s Abandonment Issues. He’s got them! What do you call and orphan twice over who also lost his very best friend? I don’t know, but if capcom doesn’t stop picking on my boy I’m going to kick them in the teeth. I will still never get over AA6 for telling us that Dhurke took Apollo in when he was orphaned as a baby, then abandoned him in the USA, then came back for him and got his hopes up, and then was actually dead the whole time! Hahahaha! What a trip! 

Anyway, you don’t come back from that super easy. People who suffer this kind of trauma usually have a really hard time trusting others, which is understandable. They also can have unrealistic needs from their partners, become codependent, or even just self-sabotage their relationships, pulling away first to try and avoid the pain because they think the other person will leave them. I think that last one is most likely for Apollo, especially given the disparity in circumstances I mentioned above. If Apollo can’t trust that Klavier actually loves him, can’t trust that he won’t leave him like EVERYONE ELSE HAS, then they can’t have a healthy relationship. Drama.

3. Klavier’s Emotional Trauma. Kristoph is a pretty big jerk to Klavier in the last case of AA4. He criticizes and undermines Klavier, threatens and admits to manipulating him. In the anthology, Klavier shares an “lol so funny!” story about Kristoph accidentally breaking a window while he and Klavier are playing ball. In it, he convinces Klavier that it was his fault and that he should take the blame and apologize for breaking the window! And Klavier does! That’s gaslighting, baby, and since the Anthology is supposed to be canon, we can take that to mean it’s been happening since Klavier was a kid. Think about that. An entire life of gaslighting and manipulative behavior! You don’t come back from that easily, either. 

People who experience emotional abuse can, among other things, suffer from depression and low-self esteem. They need affirmation from their partners and can have a hard time with letting people in or being honest (though not from a malicious mindset—more a “I’m going to say what I think you want to hear because if you’re happy, bad things won’t happen!”). They can also always be waiting for the other shoe to drop, so to speak. Sure things are good, but when will that end and the bad time start? It’s a self fulfilling prophecy: if all you can do is worry about things going wrong, then you aren’t actually enjoying when things are going right and you will cause the issues you’re so worried about. Drama.

4. Fame. Klavier has been in the spotlight since he was a literal child. If the Gavinners were already hits when Klavier was 17, they likely formed and starred their rise some time before then. A year, maybe two? Klavier spent his formative years in the spotlight. He quite literally doesn’t know any other way. Apollo, on the other hand, has never experienced the kind of scrutiny he’d be subject to when dating someone like Klavier. It can be really stressful and hurtful and just overall not a good time. And I’m not saying that Klavier wouldn’t be sympathetic, but I don’t think he would really understand how difficult it could be to have been thrust into that position out of nowhere, because he’s had years of dealing with it and was in a completely different place in life when it began for him. It’s not unreasonable to think that Apollo might not be able to take it. You can love someone and want to be with them but if you can’t adapt to their lifestyle, it’s not going to work. They could walk away rather than risk what might happen to Apollo if they kept it up. Drama.

5. Careers. They both have very demanding jobs. While sharing a similar profession can mean there’s a mutual understanding, it can also cause issues if you... never get to see each other? Schedules can be out of alignment (which could easily happen; their cases can’t always line up and they seem to require a lot of time investment outside of just normal hours). If Klavier goes back into music, that’s an additional time constraint. Why be in a relationship when you can only see the other person for moments here and there? What about the stress that comes with those jobs? That can cause drama.

6. Klavier looks like Kristoph. They are very different people, yes, but similar enough in some ways that it could cause tension. Maybe Klavier is tired and stressed and snaps at Apollo, and suddenly, all Apollo can see is Kristoph and all he can feel is the uncomfortable churning in his stomach that goes along with the memories of him. Someone he trusted, someone who let him down. That’s a difficult subject to broach, and it can fester like an infected wound if left intended. 

But Apollo sounds like Kristoph sometimes. We saw it in AA5, which is, of course, an extreme circumstance. But it can come out from time to time in other ways. A phrase that slips out, the way he intones certain words, the way he signs off in his emails—little things that are harmless, but can still act as triggers. 

Sometimes you need to get away from things that can remind you of your past in order to work on getting over them. If you are in love with someone who shares a similar trauma, who brings those issues from the past to light frequently just by being themselves, it might not be a healthy situation. I don’t think they would need to throw it in each other’s faces for it to become an issue. Drama.

There are more, but I probably took this more seriously than you intended. Whoops! Anyway, I hope that helps??? Maybe???? I hope you get them back together in the end because they deserve to be happy though!!!!!!!

[askaceattorney]

Dear Asexual-Deesasters,

Mod Edgeworth: 

If you want to know the answer to that question, go to this link.

Dear Skibot99,

Co-Mod: I’m fairly certain it was The Mod, but I don’t know for sure.  He actually had another one before it, made from an old Ace Attorney musical animation.  I haven’t been able to locate that video, unfortunately, but here’s the old banner:

Ah...  Those were good days.  Good days.

Dear Dawsongfg,

Co-Mod: It’s fine.  Besides, it won’t be too long before those letters are accepted, so maybe we’ll hold onto them until that time.

Dear skibot99 again,

Mod Edgeworth: The Lost Turnabout hands down. All logic is thrown out the window the moment Phoenix had amnesia. It’s clear the Judge knew something was wrong with Phoenix, so why didn’t he call for a recess or check on Phoenix? Not to mention Wellington was annoying. He’s probably the only character I would be hesitant to play as when answering letters, if only because he was so unbearable.

As for Turnabout Ablaze, I do agree that it is a drag to get through in the end, though the entire game of AAI was boring, aside from the game mechanics. As a case by itself, I wouldn’t put it as my least favorite, if only because I did get some funny parts out of it.  It also contributed to the overall story, whereas The Lost Turnabout could just be taken out and it wouldn’t effect the overarching plot.

Co-Mod: I’d probably have to go with Turnabout Big Top.  I honestly couldn’t figure out the part where you have to present Max’s poster without consulting a walkthrough.  Why couldn’t we just present Max himself?  Besides that, the ending was largely underwhelming -- the murder weapon was hidden under Acro’s blanket the entire time, but instead of seeing a screenshot of it there, we just have to imagine it.  Maybe it was a filler case, but that was no excuse for it to end so poorly.  Not to mention one of the witnesses was a literal puppet.

It’s hard truth, Trilo.  Live with it.

Dear skibot99 and Anonymous,

Mod Edgeworth: I… think I heard from her when the localization of DGS was announced? I know Mod Kristoph and Mod Maya introduced themselves when I came into the group. There’s a third person, but I only heard from her once. As for what’s going on with her… I don’t know.

As for the flooding the inbox, it’s fine. I won’t promise a letter or two won’t be deleted, but we may make an exception and I’d hardly consider 4-5 different letters flooding the inbox. However, I do highly suggest lowering your letter sending to no more than three a day to prevent deletion of your letters. The only time I’d say your letters are flooding the inbox is when you’re sending 10-20 of them, especially of the same letter, and we have to scroll down for a while to get to the next letter. We will only choose three out of that pile and delete the rest.

And yes, we do have a few that send us 10-20 of the same letter to multiple characters in the span of five minutes. Geez.

Co-Mod: Mod Paups has had to remain absent for personal reasons, and sadly, has recently communicated to me that she wishes to leave the blog entirely.  Thanks for all you’ve contributed to this blog, Mod Paups, and best of luck in whatever you do next!

(Referenced Letter)

Dear mungeondaster,

Mod Edgeworth: Since I answered this one, I shall answer your letter.

(^ Why do I always use this sprite? ^) Actually, the localization never specified if Manfred Von Karma was born in Germany or not. In fact, we never knew the German part until Justice For All when Franziska Von Karma was stated to have flown all the way from Germany. It never specifies any reason for this and fans were quick to jump to the conclusion that it means the Von Karma family were German, which… isn’t entirely true? Manfred Von Karma never said he lived in Germany and, for all we know, Franziska could’ve lived in Germany to study law or something.

Now, the OG does give us more specific detail on this, being why I answered this the way I did. In the OG, both Von Karma’s were born Japanese, but lived in America or at least have an estate there. It specified that they were originally born in Japan, which would be translated to LA, California in the localization. While using the OG canon isn’t normal here, I will use it, if the localization doesn’t specify things. In this case, it never specified if the Von Karma’s were born in Germany or if Manfred Von Karma lived in America. Since he had to wait out the Statue of Limitations for DL-6, we can assume he lived in LA for 15 years or more. That means he’s American.

I am still getting the hang of writing letters, but I try to stick to canon as much as possible. If you believe we’ve made an error in our letters, feel free to let us know, but also show proof, if we go against canon. We’ll be sure the letter is sent to the right mod or else fix it.

Dear  Bluedragoncody,

Mod Edgeworth: I... don’t know how to feel about that.

Also, I accidentally deleted your previous letter before this one when trying to post it on here. I’m so sorry about that. If you could remember it, would you send it again?

Co-Mod: I’ll just respond to this with an old classic:

Dear Aceattorneyismyjam,

Mod Edgeworth: I-I’m not a pro! I accidentally deleted an important mod question from bluedragoncody, because of my inexperience. Oof! Again, so sorry!

Granted, I am good with digital art and writing essays, but I’m still trying to get the hang of being a mod here. Believe me, I do get corrected on several mistakes I do here. I can’t really call myself a pro just yet. I’ve only just started becoming a mod here last month lol

Dear Dahlia,

Mod Edgeworth: I thank you for your support of this blog and my essay. Manfred Von Karma is also my favorite villain and someone I do feel is underestimated as a one dimensional villain. I think people hate him so much, because of how he ruined Miles Edgeworth’s life without looking at the bigger picture. They focus on the bad things with their black colored glasses without dissecting Manfred Von Karma’s character as a whole. 

One thing I love about this blog, even before becoming a mod, is that no one here ever portrayed Manfred Von Karma as the one dimensional villain. He can be snappy at times, but as proven in many of our previous letters, he’s also portrayed as being calm when threatened, polite at times and absolutely loves his wife and children. Yes, he’s a terrible person, but that’s what makes him so interesting. He’s a bad, evil person that does good things from time to time. It doesn’t justify any of his horrible deeds, murder included, but it does make him human.

Co-Mod: I’m...going to assume you’re a different Dahlia.  (I’m grabbing a Magatama of Parting just in case, though.  I’m sure you can understand.)

Anyway, thanks for being such a loyal follower!  This blog’s been through a lot of changes since it began, and since I joined it back in 2017, so I’m glad it’s still a good source of enjoyment for you.  I’ve seen all sorts of cringe by now, by the way (some of which I wrote myself), so don’t worry about it.

I’m also glad that the characters still sound like themselves and not like us.  The hilarious personalities and quirks given to them by Capcom’s writers, as well as the humanity in so many of them, make them easy to relate to, and thus fairly easy to mimic.  I may have said something like this before, but I see myself in a lot of them -- in Athena’s fear of inadequacy, in Apollo’s desire for justice in a world where it’s hard to find, in Sebastian’s confusion about where to go next after his world falls apart, and possibly even in the von Karmas’ desire for perfection.  I of course identify with their positive feelings as well -- Phoenix’s smugness when he gets things right, Athena’s joy after pulling off a victory in court, Adrian’s pride after her self-confidence is restored, etc. -- but there’s something about the struggles they face that make them easier to relate to, on top of being that much more awesome in the end.

Unfortunately, I can’t promise anything about this blog continuing on in perpetuity.  For one thing, I don’t plan on being around forever (I’m fairly certain the other Mods don’t, either), and for that matter, there’s also no telling how long Tumblr will be around.  All I can promise is that I’ll give my best while I’m here, and that the love from you and everyone else who shares it here is sure to be what keeps us going.  Thank you for your contribution!

Dear TurqouiseJavelin,

Mod Edgeworth: Hm... not bad ideas. Though, we mods choose our own mod names under the condition that it doesn’t match anyone else’s mod name.

Co-Mod: What Mod Edgeworth said.  Choosing the name “Mod Athena” may or may not increase your chances of being hired, though.  *wink, wink*

Dear Anonymous, 

Mod Edgeworth: Actually, Gregory was stated in the Autopsy to have died by a gunshot. However, you do bring up something interesting. If Gregory Edgeworth realized he was dead and last remembered Robert Hammond strangling him, he wouldn’t think “I died by the shot of a gun.” Since the Detectives weren’t aware that victim had died unconscious, they’d assume the victim would recall being shot and killed. This makes me wonder if Gregory Edgeworth was channeled, but never brought to court to be cross-examined.

There are still holes, but I do like your aspect on DL-6.

Co-Mod: Dang...  No matter how many times you come back to this game, there’s always something new to think about.  I honestly hadn’t considered those details about Yanni Yogi’s trial.  Your explanation makes the most sense to me, but there’s one other possibility regarding Gregory’s testimony -- he may have chosen to lie about who murdered him in order to protect his son from a murder charge.  That’s all open to interpretation, of course, so your guess is as good as ours.

It’s a good thing we’re not actual defense attorneys, huh?

-The Mods

[mccupidscruelty]

Mikasa x gn! reader

Modern AU!

School AU!

Hanahaki disease AU!

Genre: hurt/comfort

Word count: 2.3k

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April 22nd

It was her.

With her always styled raven hair and grey eyes that you could swear you can see a galaxy in. Her headphones that she always wears, never ruining her hair. The way she looked absolutely gorgeous in anything she wore. I mean, who wouldn't fall in lovr? Honestly, she was just so perfect. The only problem was that she's already in love. She never actually said that, and knowing it was wrong to assume, yet, you still couldn't think anything else that would give you hope, because hoping never ends well.

Every time she would look at him you had lost a bit of hope, so now you just don't have it at all. You remembered your mother telling you to not loose hope yet here you were feeling hopeless, and that's exactly how you always felt when something went wrong. Giving up was bad, but easier than trying and you knew you would have to change that way of thinking. But you didn't know how. That's why you didn't even try.

You sigh as you walked in the school hall to greet your best friend. "Hey Mikasa!" you said as cheerfully as you can. She looked at you and smiled warmly, like she does only when she's with you "Hi y/n" her calm voice was so sweet, full of admiration. "Have you finished the essay?" your head shot up in realization.

You did start doing it but certain someone got into your head and you couldn't finish it. Sighing you said "I haven't finished it, but I did write most of it, so I'll just finish it on Geography" little laugh had left her at your answer and Mikasa gave you a look that slowly turned into a closed eye smile.

"You know, one day the teacher will see that you're not focusing on lesson" hearing her say that it was your turn to let out a small laugh "Well, she never noticed me sleeping and I've been doing that for about 2 years now" ending your conversation you realized you've been standing in hallway for ten minutes so you went into classroom.

April 28th

You came back home barely there were preparations for the Golden week. You sat at your table and drawing. You were just drawing, without any actual idea or whatever, just letting yourself express your emotions. What came out was a drawing of Mikasa, even on drawing you look so good you thought as you sigh and lied on your bed. Schools aren't working for a week due to Golden week so there weren't any plans on your list. The thoughts in your head soon were replaced with Mikasa's closed eye smile and you felt a tear on your cheek. You had just loved her too much

For the rest of the week you had felt so ill that you weren't even able to get out of your bed. It didn't matter anyway, the bed was your safe space anyway, not like you wanted to leave it. In bed you can cry as much as you want, nobody cares. Crying because of extreme pain due to being ill, or crying because of your one-sided love? You didn't know, you just cried.

May 5th

You felt extremely ill but your parents weren't seeing you serious so you had to go to school anyways. Being late on your first class you just sat down at your table. Looking at you extremely worried Mikasa was about to tap your shoulder until teacher interrupted her and told you all to focus.

After class she looked at you with visible worry in her eyes. "Hey? Are you fine? You seem kinda ill" you stared at her lips as the words slipped out of her mouth. You were about the answer when suddenly you started coughing. Your lungs were in pain, your eyes shut and Mikasa went up to you and started petting your back. "You are ill, aren't you?" you looked up to her as you stopped coughing "eh, probably" you brushed it off with a little laugh and then you heard the bell ringing so you prepared for the next class.

Throughout the class Mikasa was looking at you worriedly, not knowing what happened to her best friend. Out of nowhere you started coughing again, it was reaping your lungs out while you were lying you're okay every time someone asks you.

Only person that could ever tell when you were lying was Mikasa herself. She knew you better than you know yourself, except for that fact. She felt that something was off, but couldn't tell what. Knowing that something was wrong was tearing her apart, but she couldn't know anything unless you told her, and it didn't help that you yourself, didn't know why you were coughing.

The day went pretty normal afterwards with a few times you just starting coughing and everyone looking weird at you. At one point you went to bathroom alone and looked at yourself. "Do I have hanahaki? No,, that's not possible, that's a myth" you were trying to convince yourself yet it didn't work at all. You said a few more times 'it's just a myth' and then you left the bathroom.

When you left bathroom and went to the classroom Mikasa immediately asked you where you were actually sounded worried as she looked up from her book "I went to the bathroom, nothing much" it was hard faking a happy tone when your throat was burning and you knew Mikasa didn't fell for it even tho she nodded anyways.

You went home and laid on your bed thinking about her. How her eyes perfectly match her hair, and how her headphones she always wear when entering school never ruin her hair

How she looks good in whatever she's wearing, her boring eyes complimenting her entire look.

She was so perfect, everything about her seemed magical. Even everything she did, it was perfect. Her tea was the best tea anyone could ever have, and the way she would buy you candy and smile warmly at you, it would always melt your heart. The way she looked at your orbs giving you butterflies every time because goddamn hers were were beautiful.

"Okay we got it her eyes are beautiful, stop thinking about them" saying that to yourself didn't help because you continued thinking just about them. Listening to music a single tear slid down your cheek remembering that she won't ever be yours, and you'll never had that perfect romance people secretly dream about

Then, out of nowhere, you started coughing, you started coughing so bad and when you opened your eyes you saw 2 single petals. Your eyes widened with tears still in them "I- I thought this was a myth" your voice was so shaky, and you were so scared.  "wasn't this supposed to be her favorite color? This is mine favorite." your orbs widen at realization, but went back to normal fast it's just a coincidence with that thought you fell asleep.

The next day

As you woke up you met your eyes with the petals that reminded you of what's happening. You have a hanahaki disease, and it's because of Mikasa, but again you were happy it was her and not somebody else. You got ready for school quickly and arrived just in time of your class.

Finding her eyes looking at you with worry you gave her closed eyed smile and turned towards board. And she was glad you turned away so you didn't see her blush. Smiling to herself she focused on board as well. She was still worried about you, a lot but she just couldn't let it ruin the little moment you shared. Bell rang, and next thing you knew Sakura was right in front of you. You immediately blushed and internally cursed yourself.

"Hey y/n" "Hm? Oh, hey Mikasa!" Her face was so close to your's, your noses were almost touching, but then she sighed and pulled away. A smile creeped way onto her face and she asked "Are you Okay? You seem a bit down, and you're either late at school or like come a full minute before classes."

Making a pause she continued "Not to judge, but like you're usually at school pretty early" Sighing, you said a complete lie "I am just tired, nothing to worry about, but I am staying up on phone and then I oversleep" Mikasa againbknew you were lying, but she decided not to push you any further, not wanting to make you uncomfortable. The bell rang and she sighed "Okay then, we should get ready for class" You smiled and nodded.

In the class you would glance at each other and passed massages. It was geography, and your teacher wasn't paying attention to class, as usual, and you were free to pass massages without her acknowledging. Every time she passes you massage she would see your flushed face, but she didn't think about it a lot. I mean, you never really told her you're not straight, so she had no idea. She always felt like you were hiding something, but she had no idea what exactly, it was killing her. It made her worry because you were coughing pretty often.

Before you knew class was over. Everyone went to canteen where they were fighting over food. Mikasa and you were already sat because she brought launch from home, and you couldn't eat. She did ask you few times if you wanted her food which you always denied not wanting to be a burden, yet once she asked you for what felt like 100th time you said yes.

Once you ate you felt like you were going to throw up so you went to bathroom and petals started flowing from your mouth all covered in blood. Once you were done you felt lightheaded, just wanting help but too stubborn to ask for it, too embarrassed of the story getting around and people, more importantly her knowing.

May 21st

It felt so long since you found out about your hanahaki, but in reality it hadn't been even a whole month. You didn't know for how long you had actually had it since patels don't come immediately, but you knew it wasn't going good for you.

Going to school you felt so weak you almost tripped over multiple times and fell asleep on the street. Once you finally came in classroom you dropped on the chair with head in you hands. Feeling like you could fall asleep at the moment but you felt someone tapping your back. You looked up and saw Mikasa a little smile immediately painting on your face.

"Hey" you said weakly and she smiled at you responding with much more energy, it seemed weird since you were always the one more energetic. Her energy didn't change, but yours became so low that the difference could be spotted from a far.

The whole day you couldn't focus and felt so lightheaded, but every time the teacher called you seemed to know the answer. When the day ended you felt so happy because it felt like forever.

Getting home you got confused onto why this whole disease got so bug so quickly but you remembered that your immune system was never particularly good, and on top of that your mind would always get onto things to quickly, and this being a disease of both suddenly it made sense.

June 12th

You felt so incredibly weak, nothing could get you out of bed. The time had come? You thought and it really felt like it did. The time had come so quickly, but you suddenly were certain it did. Yet, going with so many regrets felt so wrong. You wanted last thing you did to be letting her know

Your finger was on call button about to press, but feeling to scared you gave up. With a sigh you opened your messages and decided to text her instead. I love you

That's all that was written because you were to weak for anything else. Feeling overwhelming pain in lungs you knew it was it, the time had come. You started coughing, coughing so bad, but no one was there.

Loneliness, it was only thing you felt. But at least you were going to die without regret of her not knowing. It was a thing making you sad, but sort of happy at the same time.

Your phone was ringing but you couldn't answer, not now, or ever again. The end so near, yet seemed so far. The coughing was finally done and you looked at the full rose, covered in blood, in your hands, with soft smile of seeing your favorite color you fell down.

After only five minutes you barely heard someone coming in apartment that you forgot to lock. Mikasa came to you running and at the sight of the rose covered in blood her eyes filled with horrid and she started shaking you and your eyes meekly opened.

When she saw it, she said, with tears in her eyes "I love you too." Your eyes widened and you started coughing again, coughing up the whole root of flower. And then, you felt so much better. It had all gone out, leaving you with relief.

"You could've said it earlier" Mikasa said with tears in her eyes and you gave her full smile and scratched the back of your neck telling her you were scared. She sighed and hugged you, you hugged her back and that's how you stayed for the longest.

"Do you want to be my girlfriend?" you asked and she smiled softly replaying "Yes, and don't think you can ever get rid of me" you laughed softly and replied "I'm not intending to"

The end

[phonecallwithsatan]

Run Away With Me

a.n: George Weasley x y/n, a bit angsty with a cute ending. This is the first time I’ve written for George, so please do enjoy, my angels! I wrote it based off the song Run Away With Me by Sufjan Stevens<3 Feel free to request anything, too:) I'm in a very flourishing mood hehe. 

George has been distant from you in your final year at Hogwarts, and you’re ready to end it until he asks you a simple yet complex question. No gender is implied and no specific house is implied. 

⭑

You felt him growing distant from you.

It used to be love notes set on your pillow that were waiting for you at night before you went to bed, with pieces of candy scattered on top just waiting to be indulged in.

It used to be sneaky meet-up dates in the forbidden forest, hoping that no one catches you both laughing hand in hand through nature. 

It used to be after-game quidditch kisses. Ones that hit your face hard with lust and passion for that one person- your person.

Now it’s cold pillows that felt worn out because of an absence of parchment and sweets.

Now it’s “next week” dates that end up being pushed to the following week. 

Now there are no games because of Professor Umbridge, who banned your lover from his team. Your shared moments were rushed, and with a motive that felt like a hurdle, the passion moving differently between the two.

Ever since Professor Umbridge arrived at Hogwarts, she has made it living hell for any students who disobeyed her. The Weasley twins made her unoffical “kill list,” most likely the two shared her number one spot. 

George had been drained. His classes were slipping more than usual ever since she had come. She had kicked Fred and George off their quidditch team, along with banning their products with her Educational Decree #30, declaring that “All Weasley Products Would Be Banned Immediately.” 

You were always there for him through these hard times. Fred was able to console on his own, but George on the other hand needed support to get through these hard times and you stuck through it. You made sure that he knew there was someone to help him when he fell.

You had distinctly remembered the time when the Toad, Professor Umbridge, had kept him in detention until twelve in the morning.

You had probably been sitting in the common room for over four hours just waiting for your angel to walk through the portrait hole safe and unharmed, but you knew that your imagination was just a figment of lies.

George finally walked in the common room with his hand in his pocket, passing you completely with his head down.

“George.” You got up from your occupied seat. George turned his head with his eyes brimmed with tears. Your heart shattered at the sight. “Come here, sweet boy.” You motioned with your hands and a smile.

But he didn’t. “George?” He just stared at you with an unrecognized pain in his look, making you shiver a bit from how cold and unexpecting it was. You walked to him with your hand still reached out going towards the one in his pocket, but he wouldn’t move it.

“George, just talk to me, angel. Let me help you.” You put an arm to his chest and ran it up to his shoulder, to finish at his chin. You tried pushing it up but he was committed. 

You removed your hand immediately and you were visibly just as hurt. Your boyfriend of four years was being stubborn and distant. And now, he wouldn’t even let you help with what you both had gone through multiple times before.

“Don’t you remember last time, when it was my turn to write, ‘I will not act with misfits?’ Do you remember, sweet boy? Do you remember how deep it was in my skin, how you helped me take the pain away from that stupid, stupid quill? Let me do the same for you, please.” You were being patient with him, but you were beginning to be pissed off.

“Godric, George, just look at me.” The sudden removal of his hand from his pocket revealed what he was hiding. You took his hand and looked up at him before flipping it over to read what cruel thing she had made him do.

Deep marks of the line, “I will become nothing” was etched into his skin, leaving you at a loss for words.

You didn’t know what to say, you just stared at your boy standing in front of you with full vulnerability. He was bound to snap at some moment.

“This means nothing, you know that right?” You raised the hand you held to meet with his eye level, but he didn't budge as you saw a tear fall off the side of his face. This is when you absolutely broke inside, all focus and concentration on the boy in front of you.

“George, tell me you get it.” He finally met your eyesight for the first time but he said nothing. 

“I am nothing, and I am left with nothing.” He muttered it ever so quietly, and it took you a minute to register.

He removed his hand from yours and began walking away from you, not even bothering to turning around.

“What about your family? School?” He continued up the stairs. “What about me, George?” You knew this would get a reaction from him, but you were wrong. He didn’t even flinch at your words. He was gone.

You were so confused. You two had gone through detentions with Umbridge so many times before and separately too. It made you stronger. So why was your angel boy refusing you?

The days that followed were some of the toughest days in the semester, and it made the distance between you and George even bigger. It had now been two months since you had last spoken. You had only heard from Fred only once or twice. It was small talk, “how have you been,” “it’s so good to see you,” those types of things.

It was heartbreaking to see George in the corridors with his head down and his arms always in his pockets. He was ignoring you like never before and you were fed up with your boyfriend keeping you out. He had never been like this, and his actions affected Hogwarts in a way that was unknown to everyone.

The two twins were quieter. Jokes and pranks were not told the same if it wasn’t coming straight from them. Fred was much more stable than his twin, but something that night happened, and you didn’t know why it was their breaking point. They had only fret a little bit the first time with Umbridge, what had happened? Their mental health just- dropped, out of nowhere, and you didn’t know what to do.

He had always been there for you no matter how hard you pushed him away from anger and pain, but you knew that he was there. If it was from a difficult test to a difficult day with Umbridge, he was ready to handle all of you. You just didn’t realize why he couldn’t react the same way when it came to him.

And it’s not like you hadn't tried to reach out to him. You waited on him even after that night in the common room and you made it clear that your feelings for him did not change even after his words. You were there for him just as he was for you. but that changed once you realized he was going to keep passing you and ignoring you.

As of a few weeks ago though, things started to get better. The twins began to mess with Umbridge a lot more, and they were acting as if they would never see her ever again. You had seen them at Hogsmeade with their friend, Lee, just looking around at the vacant buildings and picking locks to get in to view them. It was nice to see your angel smile again, but you knew it had nothing to do with you.

You had decided to end it- officially. Title and everything to be gone. You were no longer going to be George Weasley’s significant other. You two were done once you said the words and there was no going back. You decided that you were going to tell him tonight in the Gryfinndor common room. It was a Saturday, so you would tell him, and then you would go to Hogsmeade with all your friends. Infact, they were the ones urging you to get it over with. 

You had been planning it for a week and it hurt to think about it. You always thought George was your end game, your dream boy, your angel. And he was, but things changed and it felt like you were no longer his. He slipped even though you held on to him. You were sick of being ignored. Mental health is not a joke to you, but at this point, it felt like he was purposefully ignoring you. He didn’t even lift his head when you spoke or interacted with him.

Before your crafted plan and Hogsmeade hang-out with your friends, you had to write a five-page essay on the ‘Importance of Frog Parts in 18th Century Magic’ at the library.

You had sat a few tables down from you and George’s usual spot. It was a beautiful one too, as it was right under a light fixture that added a golden hue on your work. It was in a perfect spot too. It was where there wasn’t very heavy foot traffic and with no scratches on the table that hitched your quill when you wrote. You missed the table, but you missed your boyfriend more.

Just as you were finishing up the last line of your strange topic essay, you felt a presence around you.

You looked up to see George Weasley looking at you nervously. “Can I sit?”

You were in shock. It was almost as if he read your mind about later on. This was just going to be way easier.

“Okay, but just know i’m leaving.” He quickly sat down next to you and tried to grab your hand but you snatched it away. 

He was visibly hurt by that action, but you did not care after all he had put you through these past two months.

“Run away with me.” He didn’t tear apart from your gaze as he was longing for it for two months.

“George, are you kidding m-” You never got to finish your sentence as he rudely interrupted you.

“My sweet remedy, run away with me.” The last word was sharp. He continued, and you were oblitterated by this. So, you did something you had never done before. You got up briskly, his eyes following you, and you slapped him across the face.

“You have no right, George Weasley. You couldn’t look me in the eyes for two months, and now you want me to ‘run away with you’? What kind of sick joke is that you-”

He got up and met your height.

“Please, just hear me out. I’ll beg if I have to.” His eyebrows were brought together and his eyes scanned your face in hopes of getting some type of emotion from you. He didn’t even react to the slap.

Ignoring him, you pushed him aside after you grabbed your quill and essay to exit the library. You heard footsteps after you but you ignored them.

“What can I do, please [y/n], love-”

You turned around at the pet name he used for you. “That was revoked when you said that you had nothing in life when you knew you did. You have a loving family, a beautiful future, and a life to live. How dare you be so selfish in front of someone who would do anything for your happiness. You have no clue what it is like to have nothing in life, and you have no clue what it is to be nothing. You are far from nothing, George. Look at how quiet Hogwarts has been without you. Look at how people look up to you. What about them?” You were practically yelling at this point. The hallway was empty and you were facing your boyfriend now. 

“What about them, George? Umbridge had no clue what she was trying to transfer when she made you write that with the stupid quill, how could you let that go to your head? George, I was there for you when you needed me and I know that you knew, so how dare you say that you have nothing.” You were too angry and busy to cry, you did not even suffer through a voice crack during your rant.

“I didn’t know how to face you after that, but if you listen to me I promise I will explain.” He was inching closer to you, but you were backing away.

“And why would I do that, Weasley?” He flinched at the use of his last name. He was losing you.

“Fred and I are leaving. We found a shop for our stuff. You know, all the inventions. In Hogsmeade, too. It’s all done, and I want you to come with.” Your face remained the same. 

You couldn’t believe that he had done that all in a span of two months. In secret too. He was hopeful still, and you let your walls down.

“They’ll continue to terrorize us with new confusion. They’ll continue to paralyze us with those illusions. They won’t stop. Love, come run away with me.” He was slowly walking towards you and he grabbed your hands and, foolishy, because of love, you let him. 

“Please, [y/n], follow me to life and love within. A new horizon, elsewhere. I will show you rapture, love. Just let me.”

He held your hands in his and raised them with every ending of his sentence. He was teary eyed and because of that, and that only, you began to think it over.

Normally you stuck to your word, but your sweet boy was at your mercy and you couldn’t stand to see him like this anymore.

“Why did you leave, George. Why would you do that?” You muttered it after a silence between you two. Your head was down and unfortunately, you let a tear slip through your guard.

He let go of one hand and bent down a bit frantically, pushing a few strands of shorter hair behind your ear and trying to tilt your head. His expression was so emotionally distraught, you couldn't take it anymore as you felt that single tear leave you. You moved your head away from his hand as he continued to meet your eyes. 

“Just answer me.” You were strict on a response.

He slowly dropped his hand and stayed quiet.

At this point you lost it. The tears just came.

“Damn it, Weasley. Why would you do that?! What did I do to deserve that? I was there for you and you chose to ignore me!” Your fists were balled and they were hitting his chest, pushing him away with every word you spoke, making his vulnerability collapse as he began to let his tears leave him too, marking his sweet face you had kissed a million times before into a streaky mess.

You stopped pushing him away on your final sentence and you waited a response from him.

Instead, you were both sobbing in front of one another, lips quivering and eyebrows crinkled from emotion. You tilted your head and you let it drop before picking it up to see George sniffle and run his hands through his short hair.

He walked to you and took your waist, putting his head in the crook of your shoulder and neck and just began to sob into your skin. Your arms went to his neck and you held onto him- tightly. 

He could finally let go all his emotional distraught and you just cried even more. 

He was sobbing like never before and your heart broke as you held the boy that once held you the same way, still angry at the absence of him and angry that it took him this long to come to you as he was now.

“I just couldn’t t-take it anymore, [y/n]. I thought I could but I can’t. I’m sorry, I am so, so, so, sorry my love.” He stayed in your arms and you held him tighter as soon as you heard that stutter escape his lips. He fell apart in front of you and he had wished he had done it sooner. It felt good to let go.

He pulled away from you and he grabbed your face which was matching up to his- puffy and wet.

“[y/n], please, run away with me. Forgive me and run away with me. I can’t do it without you, love. I couldn’t focus on a-anything when you weren’t beside me. I can promise you that when Fred and I agreed to leave, you were the first thing that came to mind.” His stutter continued to this statement and you didn’t know if it was truly what he meant or if it was rather what you wanted to hear. 

“You are the first and you’ll be the last. I’m sorry for everything, [y/n]. But please, take this chance and follow me somewhere better.” 

You were hesitant. It was two months of nothing. Silence. No communication. But your poor boy was so ruined and dragged that you couldn’t help but take pity on him.

“It’s on Diagon Alley, right on a corner. You’ll love it, I promise. There’s nothing for us here to do. The shop has been a thought forever and we’re finally making it a reality, [y/n].”

It was dead silent. There was no one in the hall. The light was dimmed and the windows beside you to your left revealed the Black Lake.

“Not coming to you was a mistake, I want you to know that I regret it. I shut myself out to everyone and I want to ask to come back if you’ll let me.”

All this time you were readying yourself to break up with him, but the sound of his voice cracking and the way his hands cupped your face was so longing and needy, that you couldn’t think about leaving him. He was simultaneously still leaning down to match your eyesight and you saw him flicker across your face. 

“Please.” He pleaded one more time and ran his thumb across your cheek to wipe a tear away.

“When.” You stated simply. He was a ride or die, and you were the same to him. You were his, and he was yours, there was no denying it. This was the exact moment where you realized that it was truly unfair to punish him.  

Two months of silence took a toll on your relationship but it’s different when they’re your ride or die. You waited for him, and you could not blame him anymore for his delay on returning. He needed time, and he knew you were there for him. You knew it all along, but you were blinded by the absence.

“What?” His eyes lit up.

“When, George. When are you leaving?” 

His eyebrows separated from their temporary creasing and he looked at you with something that could only be described as desire.

Longing for you, he went in for a kiss that felt like the missing piece to all your problems. 

You kissed him back with the same need you both experienced, grabbing the back of his head to deepen it, not stopping for a single breath as your bodies collided. Your book bag fell but you were too busy burning away with your one and only.

You pulled away and you put a hand to the side of his face. You had to lean away a bit because his arms had trapped you to him with hands on your mid back, they were bent a bit at your side but firm as if he could lose you any moment. 

He melted to your touch and he explained his plan.

“Well, we want to leave tomorrow.”

“Tomorrow?” You were surprised.

“Yes, love. Tomorrow. We decided it a few days ago and I want to take you with me, but I understand if you can’t.” His smile faded a bit at those last few days and he even looked down a bit to avoid your gaze.

You took the hand that was on his face and you used it to lift him up to meet your eyes.

“The year ends in a week, will you still want me, sweet boy?” You grazed his face again and tilted your own as you awaited an answer. You knew he loved to be called ‘sweet boy’.

“I’ll still want you even if you tell me to wait forty years. I’ll want you forever, if you’ll have me, of course.”

His confidence was back and you could hear it too. But still with that fact, tears coated his face. You didn’t know if it was from happiness or from the stored away sadness that was finally realeased to run.

“What’d you say, [y/n]. Come run away with me.” 

You went in to kiss him, letting a cry escape your lips before you connected. You tasted salty tears and as was he, but you couldn’t be happier in this moment. 

⭑

The next day was a day you would never forget. The great hall was finally brought back to life after their big entrance, and after it you were in the courtyard watching your boyfriend and his direct copy of a twin joke around on their brooms. 

You finally saw that sweet smile strike his face again and you knew that everything that was to come would be good and calm, nothing like what you two had endured in your last weeks at Hogwarts.

They kicked up their brooms after their final goodbyes with everyone and they even threw a few more fireworks in the air. Faces including yours lit up and you knew that he was the one.

He looked down one last time, and he smiled at you from above. It was something you missed receiving. 

[screenhead15]

ok so, like I said in the last post, I have a The Owl House fanfic I’ve been working on (and by been working on I mean I wrote the start of the first chapter in half an hour and never touched it again), and I said I would post it even if only one person showed interest in it, and someone did so...

Here you have it, sorry if it’s trash:

The Owl House: Coming out over and over again

I breathed in sharply, wrinkling the essay I had spent weeks perfectioning. “I can do this!” I told myself, but in reality I wasn’t sure I could. No, no, no. If Azura taught me anything was to never be afraid of being myself. With that thought in mind I walked over to the door of my room, ready to open it, walk out and tell Eda what I’ve been meaning to tell her for weeks. But just as I was about to grab the handle I stopped, my hand shaking as I finally retreated it away from the door, overthinking if this was the right thing to do. I had seen so many coming out videos, I knew how to do it, I was prepared for it! Or was I? There were so many different coming out stories out there. Some that went well… and some that… didn’t. I knew the various outcomes that could come with me coming out, from getting kicked out of the owl house to getting microaggressions from Eda and King. Truth is, I was terrified. What if Eda and King misgender me constantly and never bother to correct themselves? What if our relationship changes and it never goes back to what it used to be? What if they start treating me differently? I start hyperventilating, feeling as if my eyes were getting watery. I try to calm down, sitting in front of the door and rewatching Kiran’s coming out video for the last time, taking even more notes from it (just in case). Eventually, I get up, take a deep breath and step out of the room, essay still in hand, just in case I forget anything. I find Eda in the living room, sitting on the sofa, reading a magazine with King sleeping on her lap. I try to say anything but I immediately forget everything I had been rehearsing for the last few weeks and the few things I hadn’t forgotten get stuck in my throat. Suddenly I feel my whole body shaking, starting at my hands and at my legs and spreading through my whole body. My eyes get watery again and I start to feel as if I had a knot in my throat, I look down at the paper to try to refresh my mind, Eda hadn’t noticed me yet so I had some time before I actually said anything, but when I thought I had already remembered everything my mind went blank when I looked up from the paper. I tried to breath in and out slowly to calm myself. “I can do this!”

-H- hey, Eda? -Eda looks up from her magazine-. There’s something I’ve been… meaning to tell you…

-Well, what is it kiddo?

-I…

I try to just get it out there, to just say it, but the words once again get stuck in my throat, in that knot that had been bothering me for weeks every time I thought about this moment, except, even then the anxiety I felt wasn’t as overwhelming as it is now. I try to remember Kiran’s coming out video as I look down at the essay once more to re-read the notes I had written down just minutes ago. “Stay positive” says one of them. “Easier said than done” I say back in my head. Usually I would be positive, I’m always positive, but for some reason I can’t get the thought out of my head that Eda isn’t going to react well to this. I feel an overwhelming fear at the thought of Eda kicking me out. 

“You are a disgrace to every single witch in The Boiling Isles, you are a woman and will always be one, you can’t change biology kid. Now, get out of my sight, I don’t want anyone to associate me with someone like you.” Oh man. I feel my whole body shake violently at the thought of Eda saying something like that. But Eda wouldn’t do something like that, right? She did say she loved me, didn’t she? I feel like barfing. 

-Wow, kid, are you ok? You’re shaking a lot -says Eda.

 I feel my eyes getting watery again. “I can’t do this, I want to go back, this was a horrible decision, I should just stay in the closet, this witch thing is just for the summer anyway, why did I feel like coming out? No, I can do this, and… I want to do this because I want to be able to be myself. I don’t want to leave without telling Eda and King, they deserve to know.” I swallow the vomit that was coming up my throat and breath in and out slowly, I look at Eda straight in the eye and say it:

-I am non-binary-I say as I feel my voice getting quietter, then I immediately break down crying. I fall to the ground and practically cry my eyeballs out.

-Luz! -screams Eda, getting up from the sofa, accidentally dropping King on the ground who wakes up with an “Ouch!” and running to my side, kneeling down in front of me. 

-Hey, what the h- Luz! -says King as he woke up. I on the other hand can’t stop crying and screaming, I had been holding this in for so long that finally letting it out felt incredibly relieving. But now I had to wait for their reactions, oh no their reactions. For a few seconds I managed to forget that and just get “I am non-binary” out of the knot in my throat. But now I had to face the consequences, if there were any, to my coming out. 

-Luz, I- come on, get up -Eda offers me her hand to help me get up from the ground, when I’m already up she gestures me to sit on the sofa with her, King sitting between us, still not understanding what’s happening but willing to help in any way he can. We are “boo-boo buddies” after all, at least I hope we still are after this. 

“Kid, what was that? What happened? I don’t know what you were trying to tell me but I barely heard it, if you don’t mind telling me again -Eda smiles at me to reassure me that it’s ok, but I don’t see myself capable enough of doing that again. The words get stuck in my throat once again and I just feel like crying, Eda notices this and hands me a piece of paper and a pen instead.

“If you can’t tell me, then you can write it down. 

I smile at Eda. I pick up the pen and write it down.

-Ooh, ooh, let me read it, let me read it! -screams King enthusiastically. I let King pick up the paper and read it out loud.

“I… am… non-binary… Please use… they/them pronouns… when refaring-”

-Referring, King.

-Pfft, I knew that. “To me” -says King as he reads the last two words of the paper. He had a lot of trouble reading it, but I don’t blame him, my hand-writing was extremely messy due to my shaking hands. Suddenly Eda and King turn to look at me, I feel my heart clench.

-Wait, kid, really? -asks Eda.

I nod my head slowly, feeling my eyes getting watery again. 

“Oh, kid, that’s… unexpected but, it’s ok, we love you just the same.

-Yeah, “boo-boo buddies”, remember? -says King as he lifts up his little paw and shows me the band-aid I applied to him. I break down crying once more, with even more weight lifted off my shoulders now that I knew they accepted me. Eda puts her arms around me, moving her hand up and down my back reassuringly, King hugs me from behind since Eda is in the way. After a while, I stop crying and both Eda and King break the hug. 

-Come on kid, It’s already getting late -she says as she guides me towards my bedroom, King following on her heels, clearly determined to sleep right next to me-, go to sleep and I’m sure you’ll feel just fine tomorrow. 

I was about to close the door and go to sleep like Eda said, when she suddenly stopped the door from closing.

-Oh, and hey, if you ever feel like you don’t belong or like we won’t accept you for being you, remember what I said to you the first day we met: us weirdos gotta stick together -then she closed the door. I got in my sleeping bag, with King already sleeping right beside me. I quietly cried in it, but this time they were happy tears.

[taenohana]

BTS is hypocritical (tw: depression, self-harm)

Okay, before anyone come at me and scream at me or accuse me of being a hater, hear me out. I realize the title may come off somewhat click-baity, but I promise you I have nothing but immense love towards the boys, and that I choose this title because it fits the whole essay I'm about to write.

Today, I went on a spree, reading opinions about why people dislike BTS or find them arrogant, and there is something I've noticed being mentioned a lot. That's right. It's that BTS is hypocritical.

Now most of the arguments are about them not practicing what they preach, most especially about "Love Yourself" and "Speak Yourself." This bothers me a lot because all eventually boils down to "They shouldn't tell people to love themselves if they themselves can't do it."

Let me tell you why this bothers me so, so much.

Basically, BTS is advocating for self-love and for voicing yourself and to speak up. The problem is they themselves are just 7 young men who haven't even reached 30 of age. As you can see in Burn the Stage or during Jin's speech that they almost disbanded, anyone can tell that they too struggle. Some members even spoke up about depression. Apparently, some people have said that this is somewhat hypocritical of them.

Now, I have issues with this sentiment because this screams like "You are not fit to spread positive messages if you can't practice it yourself." And of course, toxic positivity does exist. But let me speak a bit more about myself here. I have been for the past few months relapsing with my depression and anxiety, and I have been experiencing many, many panic attacks. While I recall some of my most depressive years to come from last year, and I had gotten better earlier this year, I have been relapsing. Not as bad as one year ago, but I'm certainly not well. And I hate toxic positivity, believe me, I do. With that being said, there's something I discovered this year.

I've found out that it hurts me when I see others going through the same thing as I am or even more. Someone reached out to me when I contemplated hurting myself even more, and ever since I have been thankful to her for just that bit of light/warmth that she gave me. It might not last as long as I'd have liked but it gave me hope. Ever since, whenever I see someone else struggling, I feel the urge to reach out, to be there for them, to console them, in any way I could.

From there, I've gained many lovely friends who are always there, whom I can rely upon, whenever I relapse, whenever I just need a shoulder to cry on. And it is all based on mutual respect and admiration and just the raw feeling of caring for one another, something that should be our basic instinct as human beings, where we help each other when we see someone is hurting. I did not come to them or reach out so that they owe me something in return and so be there for me when I need them. And they did not approach me just so I owe them and be there for them. We are simply there for each other, hoping the both of us will come out better than yesterday.

Basically what I'm saying here is, am I not fit to console others, to tell my friends that they deserve love, that I wish they learn how to love themselves, just because I myself am struggling with those things as well? Just because I have trouble loving myself, am I not allowed to tell my friends they deserve being capable of self-love? Just because BTS are struggling themselves, are they not allowed to spread positive message to love oneself?

And it's such a bizarre thing because apparently people were shocked when Burn the Stage came out or when Jin said they were going to disband. Some were surprised because "Turns out they're not as happy as they make themselves appear to be."

This shocked me even more.

How? How did people not realize that they have always been struggling? Must Jin declare it first or must there be a whole documentary exposing their strife as a group for people to realize that they're human, and always have been? Especially for older fans, surely you know how much they struggled. Especially for fans watching all their content, surely you could sense whenever one of them is unhappy or is struggling. The signs are always there. All we need is to pay attention.

Anyway, with this shock/revelation came the questions and doubts. Now the same people saying they were shocked to find out the reality (which has always been there tbh, which was one reason I didn't cry much watching Burn the Stage because I thought "This is nothing new? I somehow knew that it's more or less like this behind the scenes."), now are saying "So they have been struggling all along? If so, why do they preach these things to love oneself? Why do they not practice it?"

Simple. The answer is simple:

It is hard.

Yes, it is an irony that it's simple because we all know how hard it is. We have all been there, telling our loved ones they deserve everything in the world, yet when it comes to ourselves? It's hard to see that we deserve it just as much.

BTS are no different. They were 7 boys, struggling to make their name, as they notice the struggles around them and wishing they could also voice out their concern and reach out to us, hoping it will console us and comfort us. Just like when we tell our friends we are there for them. That they deserve love and happiness.

Naturally, what comes after "Why are they not practicing what they preach?" is the question "Why are they not speaking out?"

Now that they've shown explicitly that they, too, struggle (which should be our common sense anyway once we stop and remind ourselves that they, too, are humanbeings like us), some people are wondering why they don't speak out more or explain what is troubling them or caused them to struggle. Now that we have Burn the Stage and Jin saying they almost disbanded, some people are beginning to wonder: why?

Why were they fighting? Why did they almost disband? What were they struggling against? What were troubling them? All these questions with the ultimate conclusion being: if they tell people to speak up, they should speak up.

Another hypocrisy.

Again, I will draw from my own personal experience. See, I think we as humanbeings are complex. We want to be understood, yet at the same time most of the time we don't let people see our bare selves to be fully understood. I personally do this because of two reasons. One, I don't want to add burden to others, making them worry about me. Two, sometimes I don't think anyone will ever understand what I'm going through. Moreover, sometimes I do know the answers to my own struggles, and I simply just can't apply them. In this case, I don't see the point of talking out my problems.

Now, there were so many moments in which I "signalled" to my friends I felt unloved and that I was going through an episode, and they would come to me telling me I could talk to them, and that they were there for me. Most of my responses? You guessed it. I'd love to talk about it but I don't know how.

I don't know how.

Questions were spinning in my head. "Would you be able to understand it? Is it worth speaking about? Aren't you going through something bad, maybe even worse than me? Would I sound annoying, whiny, attention-seeking? Once I open up, would you find me as non-reliable? Would you then stop relying on me and talking to me about your problems? Would things change? Would talking about it fix anything? Would I feel better afterwards? Would you feel burdened to give an advice or solution? Is it even necessary, especially now that I'm slightly better and no longer having an episode? Should I still tell you what happened anyway?"

Of course, some were easier to talk to because maybe in the back of my mind I knew they once went through something very similar that I felt like they could understand. Some were harder because while we were close, I had never opened up to them (and you do realize opening up the first time to someone is a tough thing to do), and some of course I just know are going through even worse (or at least more immediate problems) that I couldn't bring myself to speak up.

For this. It is not that simple. To speak up is not that simple. Does that mean I'm against speaking up? Of course not. I will always still encourage people to speak up when they feel silenced. It's important.

However, it's equally important to understand that each of us has our own pace. Not everyone can open up as fast as the next person. And it's always good to offer lending someone an ear without forcing words out of their mouth. Trust me. Once you tell someone you're there for them and you're willing to listen, people will talk when they are ready.

Another thing is about privacy.

It's no secret that BTS is often dubbed as being "woke" or "real," whatever those words actually mean. This is not something they claim themselves, but rather it's something that fans and some media have pushed on them. Now this makes people think, if they are so real, why are they not speaking up about their experiences and how they are also manufactured in some ways? How they put on happy faces and act like their life is going swell, and that they love their life?

First of all, we all wear masks. Not a single one of us show our real selves. Since I'm going impromptu here, I might be inaccurate about this philosophy but the gist is that we all have different masks we wear towards certain people or in certain situations. And there's one mask we never show to anyone. A mask only we have ever seen. This thing doesn't just apply to idols.

Secondly, again, to reiterate my previous points, the boys are not always happy. Pay attention, and you will know. And they don't always act like they're happy and that they love their life. Once again, once you realize they're humans just like us, you will find out that that is far from the truth. I think it should be enough for us to know that they struggled and that they are trying themselves to be better and to improve, and that some of the problems have already been resolved. As fans, all we have to be is be there for them when they do want to speak up more. Otherwise, they do have the right to keep it between them, and we should respect their privacy, just as we won't force our loved ones to talk about what's bothering them. Just simply be there when they want to be heard.

Another ridiculous thing to add here is that people will always find fault. If they genuinely love their life, people will say, "Oh of course they're happy. They're rich and successful now." OR "How hypocritical of them to be happy of their rich and success when they used to diss capitalism and suchs. They should be more considerate towards those who are suffering and not act so carefree and happy with their lives."

However, let's say they openly show how depressed or troubled they are, people will still talk. "How are they not happy? Why? That is very arrogant and and ungrateful of them since they have everything they've ever dreamed of now." OR "How can they preach about self-love when they cannot love themselves for who they are and what they have now. They're being hypocrites."

Here I also like to underline "arrogant," it has come to my attention that many people find them to be "empty" or "arrogant." And I'm gonna be honest. Before I got to know them, they also appeared arrogant to me. But then I realised, there are many groups who seemed arrogant to me before I learned about them more. As soon as I got to know them, I could see that they, like most others, are just dorks. Of course, there are some actual arrogant idols, but my point is people shouldn't judge before getting to know someone or a group.

I have been a victim of the same thing due to my naturally resting bitch face. If I don't smile, people automatically assume I'm a stuck-up bitch. This has even impacted my academic life in which I was rejected from an organization because I was "too arrogant." So think before you judge.

Another thing is "empty." I admit I have fallen out of love with their music for the last two years until BE came out, reminding me of why I love them. And I admit, I, too, have thought of the same thing. I thought their music no longer spoke to me and is "too bright or optimistic or positive" to me. As I've mentioned, I hate toxic positivity. And it might've crossed my mind that they were heading towards that, which was why I started to lose interest. I still love them, don't get me wrong, I just didn't resonate with the messages or feel of their newer music.

However, I can see that there's nothing wrong with that. After BE, I see that they are still the same lovely boys who helped me through my depression. And as much as I miss their older music which I find to be more relatable, their newer music which has a more positive/optimistic vibes aren't so bad. As much as I wish they make music like they used to, it's a nice change. Now they have music that just feels good and suits me just fine on better days.

Empty? Of course. Just like in Black Swan, they express how they're falling out of love with music. Of course, they feel empty. As someone who writes and love stories, I relate. Why? It's relatable since stories or writing no longer excite me the way they used to. This is a real struggle that every artist (or at least most) go through. It's a period of emptiness, of losing your passion, of no longer enjoying something you love with all your heart. It is something familiar for people with depression.

So you could look at it this way. They, too, are going through things a lot of people do. They are, after all, human beings. Something interesting I found during one of the interviews is one of the members (I think RM) saying that it seems as if their moods or life or experiences suit the album they were making.

This is to say that they struggled with self-love when they made Love Yourself series. Or how they feel that during the making of Map of the Soul series, they feel like they're losing their roots (hip-hop or their angsty and "woke" messages in music), questioning who they really are, whether they still fit as musicians and what their messages for people in the world should be.

I would like to close this essay just by saying that I understand why people are viewing BTS this way. It is a valid opinion, and I won't discredit nor disrespect that. Even so, I hope people would come to understand more that being depressed or struggling doesn't necessarily mean one cannot spread positive messages and comfort others. And that speaking out isn't easy and shouldn't be forced. Encourage people to speak, to open up. Reassure them that we will never devalue their words, that we will listen and try to understand. But never force them to speak. They could be uncomfortable yet, they could be not ready yet. Even so, I promise you it's very comforting and appreciated to know someone will be there, ready to hear, when one is ready to speak.

Also, never judge someone based on how they look, learn and get to know about them more, and understand that people only show what they want to show: idols, us, everyone, we all have masks.

Let us learn to appreciate the good things in life, including BTS' messages and try to apply it in our lives while also understanding that they're humans like us, not angels. Understand that probably one of the reasons they find it hard to practice what they preach is exactly because people look up to them and expect them to be better at what they preach. That one of the reasons they struggle and put on a facade is exactly because they feel it's what expected of them. And perhaps they just don't want to disappoint us fans and distress us, doing their best to entertain us and distract us from our evil thoughts.

Finally, let's be humans. Let's be kind to each other. Let's be there for each other. Let's try to listen and pay attention more, and try to understand each other. Let's help each other and encourage each other to speak about our struggles while still respecting boundaries and privacy. Let's take one baby step towards a better future, towards making this world a better place to live.

Thank you for making it this far.

- Hana 💮