#someone put me down ive forgotten how to word

[suckinitup]

steeples my fingers. 🙏 points them both at dakota cole 🫱 i think he’s Really good at scripts. like social scripts. if this headcanon is still good when im bot on five hours of sleep ill build on it but for now im thinking about how he was THE popular sunshine fuck of the group while they were still going to school. everyone liked him. but he didnt really have attachments to anyone. he didnt even remember the name of the girl he fell with. that suggests a lot of automatic action while he was busy thinking about superheroes. hes GOOD at scripts and building scripts but he does rely on them. like trh fight with mark during greyscale, when he was the one who understood mark the most on a fundamental level (hes a dad before a supervillain) but he kept falling back to the “youre always running away” script. like i dont think script is the right word here but hes got different modes for talking to different people and i think that for school stuff in particular he could be capable of running thru a whole convo with pre-villain doug without engaging his brain even once

[crystalkitty1220]

Man I wonder where the leader of the fear realm could've gone, it's alMOST LIKE NEVIN HAS AN

[axelsagewrites]

Could you do a Roy or Jamie fic where the reader gets hurt? Even something silly like getting hit in the head with a ball at practice or something! They’re super concerned and want to take care of them! I also love angst…sorry if it’s a stupid idea. No worries if you don’t want to write it 💜✨

Jamie Tartt*Practise Mishap

Pairing: Jamie x f!reader

Word count: 1291

Warnings: reader getting hit by a football (which hurts a lot btw from experience), Jamie feeling guilty, fluff

A/n: i love this idea btw ive been wanting to write something like this for a while but i made this more fluff than angst

Masterlist here

You’d never actually seen Jamie at practise. There was the occasional time where you dropped him off or picked him up after, but you never lingered since he needed to concentrate. However today Jamie in all his genius managed to forget his phone this morning.

“Wouldn’t have forgotten it if you hadn’t have distracted me love,” he teased, a smirk toying on his lips that made you smack his chest.

“Can you not?” you said, nodding to where the coaches stood only a couple feet away.

Of course, Roy heard. A loud groan came from him before he barked at Jamie, “Back on the field Tartt,”

“You staying to watch Jamie in action?” Ted asked, far more politely than Roy who was sulking at the suggestion.

You looked between him and Jamie who seemed to perk up at the idea, “Is that allowed?”

“I don’t see why not,”

“Maybe he’ll actually put some effort in,” Roy mumbled.

Jamie just rolled his eyes at Roy before giving you a quick kiss, “Get ready to see the king in action,” he said before running back on the field as you laughed.

“How do you stand him?” Roy grunted.

Truthfully you found Jamie’s cockiness annoyingly attractive, but you didn’t think Roy needed to hear that. “What can I say? I’m a saint,” you joked.

Even though the practise was interesting at first it was just boys kicking balls around a field and the illusion quickly worn off. That plus you were supposed to get a bunch of things done at home since it was a rare day off. You turned to Ted to tell him, “I’ll probably shoot off in a minute or two,” you said at the same time as someone yelled “Watch out!”

Roy tried to grab your arm, pulling you out the way, but not fast enough and a ball planted right in the middle of your chest, knocking you off your feet. You hit the ground with a thud and all the air was knocked out your lungs.

You heard Jamie shout your name, but you were too busy coughing up a storm and trying not to be sick. Roy and Ted had crouched down beside you, Beard shouting for Nate to run for the first aider. “Are you alright love?” Jamie asked, dropping to his knees beside you.

“I think- “your attempts to speak was interrupted by more coughing and the urge to be sick, “Ow,” you winced.

“What the fuck were you doing Colin?” you heard the footballers begin to argue as they all rushed to your side.

“I was trying to pass to Isaac! I didn’t know he didn’t see me,”

“When I said improve your kick, I didn’t mean kill Jamie’s bird,” Roy yelled at him, standing up.

Ted tried to calm him, but it was Jamie who spoke first, “Oi! The lot of you move it. you’re crowding her now piss off,” his anger washed off his face when he turned back to you, “C’mon love let’s get you some help,”

“I’m fine,” you winced as Jamie pulled you to your feet.

“No, you’re not now be quiet and let me help you,” he said as he helped you over to sit on a bench at the side. The first aider came and gave you a once over and said it was all good but to be careful. So, Jamie naturally made them triple check. Colin also came over, apologising a million and one times to which you assured him it was okay, and Jamie tried not to death glare him.

Some water and painkillers did help but you still weren’t feeling amazing. Ted walked over with a guilty smile on his face, “How we are doing over here folks?”

“Better now,” you smiled, hiding your wincing as best you could.

“I’m gonna kill Colin,” Jamie muttered.

You rolled your eyes, placing a hand over his, “It was an accident babe. Let’s just let it go, okay?” Jamie didn’t say anything, but you knew he wouldn’t. “But I should defiantly go now,”

“Well Rebecca gave me a call saying to tell Jamie to take the afternoon off and take care of you,” Ted said and before you could protest, he cut you off, “Its doctors orders, okay? Now scamp you too. And try take it easy, okay?”

You felt bad making Jamie miss the end of practise but right now football was the last thing on his mind. after dropping you off at his place and surrounding you with pillows and blankets Jamie went on a Tesco run for snacks.

When he got back you laughed when you saw the almost overflowing bag. “We’ve got enough to survive the winter,” you joked as he sat it down. “You’re spoiling me,”

“Never,” Jamie said with a bashful smile as he pulled out the flowers from behind his back, “Got ye these as well,”

“Aw Jamie,” you gushed, standing up to take them from him but you winced slightly as you did.

Instantly concern washed over his face as he grabbed your arm to steady you despite you not actually falling, “You alright love? I knew that women missed something. What hurts- “

“Jamie,” you interrupted him, cupping his face with your hands making him pause in his tracks, “I’m fine baby I swear. Are you?”

“Yeah, course I am,” he said, wrapping his arms around you, “I just don’t want you getting hurt and that. I just feel bad’s all,” he said, mumbling as he hugged you tighter.

You moved your head to rest on his shoulder, hugging him back, “But why?”

“You were there to see me and then you got hurt. I know how hard those balls can hit,” he said before sighing, “Its all my fault,” he mumbled making your heart break.

You pulled back only to pull him to sit on the couch next to you, placing the flowers on the coffee table, “It was an accident. It was no one’s fault,”

“It was colin’s fault,”

“It was no one’s fault,” you repeated, rolling your eyes with a small smile, “Now are you gonna sit and mope all day or are you gonna take care of me?”

Finally, a smile cracked onto his lips, “Thought it didn’t hurt anymore?”

“I lied,” you said, sinking back into the couch in a dramatic display, “I am wounded beyond belief. You’ll need to do everything I need,” you joked with a hand splayed across your head.

Jamie leaned down to press a gentle kiss to your forehead, “Don’t I always?” he smiled. “Want me to put those in some water?”

“Yes please,” you grinned as Jamie got up to sort out the flowers, but you called out before he could leave the room, “Can we have a movie night?”

“If that’s what the lady wants, that’s what the lady gets,” he grinned, “Just try not pick a total chick flick,” he added with a smirk that made you roll your eyes.

By the time he’d returned with drinks and a takeaway menu you already had 27 dresses queued up, “Oh c’mon,” Jamie protested as he dropped onto the couch beside you.

“Please, I’m injured,” you teased making him roll his eyes but finally agree. Despite his protests Jamie was more into the movie than you were and made you pinkie promise to pause it when he went to get the food when it arrived.

Four chick flicks and an unholy amount of food later you and Jamie were curled up on the couch under a pile of blankets. “Feeling better?” he murmured in your ear though you could hear from his voice he was already half asleep.

“Feeling perfect baby, thank you,”

“Anything for you,”

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[petertingle-yipyip]

STRANGER (iv) -KAZ BREKKER

tags: @beekeepingageissome @shadowzena43 @nikfigueiredo @mp-littlebit @starmansirius @hadesnumber1daughter // previously / next

Pairing: Kaz x Davina Rollins (enemies to lovers)

Word Count: 6,626

Summary: The Bastard of the Barrel faces off with the Snake. On neutral ground, the start of the potential alliance shines through. The only problem is if it can cut through the tension.

You slammed Kaz against the wall hard. Maybe harder than you needed to. The impact shifted the hat he wore and you wanted to smack it off his head. You twisted the fistful of his jacket for a tighter grip. Your forearm was pressed against his chest and your knuckles were pressing at the high collar of the button-up under the jacket.

Your other hand was firmly against his mouth. Your fingers were pressing into his cheek, feeling the presence of a faded scar on his skin and the hammering pulse in his veins. You could feel his shallow breathing, both from the rapid rise and fall of his chest and the exhales from his nose.

He was rigid under your pressure. His arms were locked at his side, a death grip on his cane that you thought would snap it in half. His eyes were bigger than dinner plates and it was as if he was trying to become one with the wall behind him.

“Are you insane?” You hissed. “Lions prowl the Barrel more than you and the Crows. You call me that and it could very well end with a bullet in my chest.”

He said nothing, but it felt like he was trembling.

“Yes, it’s not nice when someone else has you pinned.” You continued. “I ought to rid myself of you right now.”

More silence, as if he had shut down.

You rolled your eyes and released his jacket. You reached under your cloak and freed your knife, holding it against his throat instead.

“Will you speak now, hmm?” You taunted. “Or have you forgotten your Kerch?”

It may have been the clouds hiding the sun, or the depth of the alley you ducked into, but you were convinced you had seen his eyes go glassy as if he were fighting tears. His breathing had grown faster, shallower. You worried his heart may give out.

What had you done?

All the Saints, Davina, how did you break him?

“Kaz?” Your brows furrowed. “Are you alright?”

His eyes darted to the hand on his mouth before back to your eyes. You saw a thin sheen of sweat beginning across his features so you carefully withdrew both your hands. You put them up in surrender, or maybe apology, and took a step back.

His eyes closed and you saw the heavy sigh of relief. He tilted his head back against the brick and he slid down, dropping to the unceremonious thud. His cane clattered lightly beside him and he pulled his hat off, holding it tightly between his gloved hands.

Carefully, you knelt in front of him. You swallowed your nerves as you put your knife away. You shifted your position so your back was more towards the streets and you adjusted your hood so your face was more visible.

You hesitated, both wondering what was happening and how you were supposed to react. You could tell that he was losing himself in thoughts, something haunted, but how were you supposed to bring him back to the present?

Or felt like you were caught in some intimate moment, some vulnerable instance that you were never meant to see.

You considered the childish nickname you had for him. It would be easy enough to say, but you wanted to at least pretend you had maintained your secret identity. 

“Brekker?” You tried instead but he wouldn’t open his eyes. You reached for his arm, to try and place a comforting hand, but he jerked his limb away from your touch as soon as your hand touched his sleeve. “What’s…”

“Do not touch me.” He bit out and you nearly flinched.

“Is there any way I can help?”

“Keep talking.” He said tightly. “Please.”

“If this is some ploy to get me to give you intelligence on the snakes.” You snapped.

“It isn’t, Vina…”

Vina. The nickname he decided he would use instead of Davi. It hit your chest like an anvil and you sucked in a gasp. You were equal parts glad he still remembered and surprised he used it.

“Fine…” You forced out and nodded, buying time to think about what to say. “Well, I’ve been thinking of learning Ravkan. I think language is the one thing I hadn’t had a tutor for as a child. Saints, that sounds terrible, like I were a merchant’s daughter.” You wrinkled your nose in disgust. Not that your true parentage was much better.

“Oh but I do wish I had a tutor for more grace, to move and float like the Suli. Their abilities on the high wire or the trapeze are just magical, don’t you think?”

What were you supposed to say? You had no idea what else to yammer about so you simply pretended you were just two people catching up, and in a way, maybe you were.

“Not to say I can’t stick a landing or a balance across a parapet, but I feel as if it’s just amateur. Perhaps I’m being overly critical of myself.” You shrugged. “I am self-taught in most regards, which is impressive if I say so myself, but dammit all if I cannot do some of the tricks the Wraith can do. I envy her for that.”

Among other things, like Dirtyhands’ favor.

No. Even though you had silenced it, the little voice wouldn’t stay away long.

“You envy the Wraith?” He finally spoke. His voice was tight, like an elastic pulled too tight, and rough like it had been dragged across East Stave. His eyes were finally open, though he was staring blankly at the wall across from him.

“She moves with such grace and fluidity.” You confessed. “Such sure-footedness. It’s as if she’s never questioned where to step or where she’s going.”

“You say that as if you don’t.”

“I know what I want.” Mostly. “But I’m not sure if it will be all I want.”

“What is it that you want?”

Looking at Kaz, with that brief crack in his armor, it made you reconsider what you had told Melli earlier. There is nothing between Kaz and I. And she was right, he was very pretty. But it also reminded you of something else. Kaz was just a man, and all men could fall.

You didn’t want that, though. At least, you didn’t think you did.

“That seems to be the question, other than to see my father’s empire burn, of course.” You nodded. “What just happened to you?”

“Nothing to concern yourself with, Hood.” He said flatly. You could tell there was the intent of anger in the words, cool danger that was supposed to threaten, but it was missing. Maybe purposefully so. “Why are you visiting Zenik?”

“For a chat.” You shrugged. If he wanted to switch personas, you could too. “She makes me laugh, and given the life I choose to lead, I could use it.”

“And the boy?”

“Who I choose to tumble is none of your concern.” You snapped, pushing to your feet, and noticed he looked as if you had struck him. The expression was quick and you had nearly missed it. You stepped over his outstretched legs and reached down, picking up his cane and tossing it between your hands. “I could ask why you’re shadowing me and what you hope to learn, assuming you don’t have everything figured out already, but I won’t. Because unlike you, my friend, I can see when I’ve hit a wall I cannot yet beat down.”

You offered a hand to help him up but he batted it away. You made a face to yourself and turned your attention to some imaginary lint on your cloak while he worked to stand. Once he was on his feet, you handed the cane back and you noticed his purposeful avoidance of your hands.

“Have you been to your new business venture recently?” Kaz asked. A casual enough question, but a question from Kaz was never simple. Every inquisition was a loaded blow, ready to strike for information.

“No.” You confessed, pulling your hood down to hide in the shadows it created. “I intended to stop by later. Why? What have you done?”

“Do you think me so underhanded that I wouldn't give you a day to enjoy your purchase?”

“Well, considering it has been a day since, yes.”

“Your gambling hall is unscathed.” He shrugged and you glared at him. “But there is a neat little message waiting for you.”

“Is this some coy way of saying that you’ve repainted the facade with blood?” You asked wearily. “Or you’ve hung Dime Lions from the gutters?”

“Now that would be a sight, wouldn’t it?” His eyes shone with the thought. “But alas, I haven’t.”

“Then what’s the message?”

“Well, that’d spoil it.” He feigned a frown and you thought of stomping on his meticulously polished shoe. “The Wraith went through all the effort to deliver it herself.”

“Now I’m sure it’s a body. If it’s not Pekka Rollins, you can take it back.”

He smiled at the idea and it was a smile of pure malice. That was who the Barrel knew as Dirtyhands, and that was a man you could fear. However, you maintained composure and showed no sign of backing down.

“Or maybe it’s the ring.” Your eyes caught on the flash of silver chain around his neck. You smiled slightly. “I wouldn’t have thought you one for sympathy, Dirtyhands.”

“Clearly you don’t know me the way you think, Hood.” He waved a hand.

You made a small noise of disagreement and shrugged your shoulders. He cut you a sideways glance and you saw his hands shifted over the crow’s head of his cane. You thought of the weight it carried when it banged into your ribs, the precision he used to slice your cheek, the all over danger the adorned stick held.

“You should know…” You began, backing out of the alley. “If you speak at all on that name and my appearances again, I’ll have to cut out your tongue.”

“Is that right?” He asked in amusement, as if he were playing a game with a toddler.

“Yes, quite. I’ll cut it out, shove it down your treacherous throat, and then I’ll slit your neck open and watch you choke on your tongue and drown in your own blood.” You threatened. “What a sight that would be, hmm? Oh, and then I’ll dump your body at the Wraith’s feet.”

“I can only imagine what she’d do in return.” He mocked, feigning a shiver. “Besides, I could give you the same warning for what you’ve seen here.”

“But you won’t?” You asked hesitantly.

As he walked by you, he tapped the crow’s head against your arm in some sort of silent message. You nearly pulled a blade on him, or at the very least stuck your foot out to trip the bastard.

But you did nothing. Once he was out of sight, you let out a long sigh. You had no idea what was going on anymore, but you did know one thing. You had to figure out what was waiting for you at the gambling hall, courtesy of the Dregs.

When Kol met you outside, his eyes were alight from using his powers. He was grinning, rubbing his fingers together as if they were covered in something you couldn’t see, and the excitement was radiating off him. You brought him with you to retrieve the message before returning to your building.

You brought it to your office and called Melli in. She insisted Kol stay. She said that you needed more people in your inner circle than just her and a Corporalnik was as good as anyone. You waved a hand and dropped in your chair while she opened the door and called him back in.

Your cloak was still fitted in place and your arms crossed under the dark fabric, hood still sitting low on your forehead. You stared silently at the envelope, seeing your name across the front in a tall, slanted script. You doubted it was the Wraith’s or Haskell’s. No, something about the letters told you it was Kaz who wrote it.

You shivered.

“You’re staring at it like it will speak to you.” Melli commented.

“Or like it’s going to bite her.” Kol joked.

“Maybe it will.” You answered flatly. “You never know for sure what Dirtyhands is up to.”

“Don’t you?” Melli teased but you refrained from turning a glare on her. You heard her huff a loud sigh. “Oh for Saint’s sake, Dav, you can take the hood off. You look like you’re part of that cult.”

“A cult?” Your eyes came up.

“There’s rumors of a small cult in Ravka, devoted to the Starless One… The Darkling.” Kol filled in, a deep frown settling across his usually bright features. “They think he should be named a Saint.”

You reached up and pushed back the hood with both hands and Kol gave you a thankful smile. You nodded slightly and used a finger to spin the envelope. You pushed it towards Melli and she took it with greedy fingers.

“They’re demanding a meet at the Exchange.” She read, her eyes moving along the words, paper gripping in both hands. “Three days from deliverance of the letter, but there’s no exact date. Otherwise they’ll protest the sale of the gambling den.”

“Of course.” You sighed. “It’s my understanding the Wraith delivered it last night, meaning today is one day since.”

“So the night after tomorrow.”

“Hand it here.” You held a hand out and Melli handed you the note. You read it over, noting the specifics of his wording. “He’s calling for me to show up…”

“You as in Davina or you as in the Hood?”

“It says ‘The Snake’ so I’m guessing Davina.” You tossed the paper to your desk and ran a hand down your face. “Kol, how well can you Tailor?”

“Small changes, usually last a few hours.” He gave a small, almost apologetic shrug.

“Good enough.”

“What are you thinking?” Melli chimed in.

“It calls for me, but it doesn’t say to come as I am.” You smiled slightly. “Kol, you’ll Tailor me to look more like my father, as close a resemblance as you can.”

“I’ve never seen your father.” He shook his head.

“I have a family miniature around here somewhere.” You waved a hand. “Melli? Would you be willing to be Tailored to look closer to me as I am now?”

“To be the Hood.” She understood, though she paled at the idea. “Wouldn’t you want your cloak? As protection?”

“I have the other armor. I won’t make you do this if you don’t want to.”

“I just worry that Brekker will know.” She reached for the cuff of her long sleeve before freezing and folding her hands neatly behind her back. “He may not believe the illusion.”

“He has no proof to make any accusations. And I’ve already given you my word, Melli. I won’t let him harm you.” You hoped honesty came across in your expression. “Besides, an untrained Heartrender may be just as dangerous as a trained one.”

Kol stood a little straighter. “I’ll protect you both as best I can.”

“As kind as that is, let’s hope we won’t need it. I believe there’s no weapons in the courtyard, so that may deter any idiotic ambushes.”

“Didn’t you say the cane was what gave you that scar? If he brings that, he has a weapon.” Melli argued.

“Yes.” You answered carefully. “But I can try to hide a blade or two. Worst case scenario, I’m caught and Stadwatch takes them.”

“Very confidence inspiring, thank you.” Melli grumbled.

“You can tell me no. I won’t be offended.”

“Can I think on it?”

“Of course. Let me know the morning of… And do we still have the paperwork to rename the den?”

“Yes, in my room.” She nodded.

“I don’t think we’ll name it Sixth Sense. It’s too niche.”

“What then?”

“Poisoned Rook.” You shrugged.

“A rook is a crow.” Kol commented.

“Exactly.” You smiled. “If it’s in Dreg territory, why not make it a jab at them?”

“I like it but wouldn’t it anger them?” Melli asked.

“Very likely, but that’s the point. Mel. And we’ll commission someone to design a crow being caught by a snake, maybe even bitten by the snake.”

You noticed their concerned expressions.

“This summons is a show of force, an attempt to bully us. They have us outnumbered and they know it.” You explained. “But I am my father’s daughter and if it means anything, it means that I will not be pushed around by Kaz Brekker.”

“I like that fire in your eyes.” Kol said with a mischievous smile of his own.

The days came and went and you were seated in your office while Kol did his work. Your scalp tingled as the color of your hair changed and it bunched itself into tighter curls. You saw from your peripherals the dark, shadowed red turning to a burnt copper color, as if it was mixing your mother’s and father’s color. His fingers brushed your cheeks and bridge of your nose to adorn scattered freckles. He adjusted your brows and lashes to match in hair color and he even shifted your eye color. Small changes to your face shape, rounded cheeks like your childhood and a different curve of your lips.

You almost didn’t recognize yourself when you caught your reflection.

“Kaelish features in all their glory.” You rolled your eyes, fitting your protective vest into place. “Do you want to change anything on yourself?”

“No.” He shook his head, a confident look in his eyes.

“Alright.” You nodded. “Melli will be seeing to the name change paperwork so without her, they’re likely to ask about the Hood. Do not answer them, for anything really. I’m not sure who Brekker will bring, so be ready for anything.”

He nodded and you two were on your way. You made it to the Exchange at about the same time Kaz did. The posted Stadwatch nodded you through after a brief glimpse over your persons.

He didn’t find the retractable blade cuffed around your wrist or the thinner knife stashed in your boot.

You wore no mask, deciding your Tailored features were enough. You cleared your throat and dawned your best Kaelish accent.

“Pleasure to see you boys.” You nodded to them, noticing only Kaz and Jesper showed up. “What, no Wraith tonight? Or is she watching from above?” You glanced to the rooftops, Kol kept his eyes trained on Kaz.

“No need.” Kaz said simply, though there was a slightly puzzled look in his eyes.

“Don’t tell me I’m not worth the trouble anymore.”

“This is a friendly chat after all, Davina. Besides, you don’t have your Hood.”

“Forgive me, but you seem different.” Jesper cut in, eyeing your red hair carefully. “I swear on all the Saints your hair was darker.”

“Bit of Tailoring is all.” You shrugged. “It’s not as if my father isn’t recognizable and I’m trying to build something to take him down. I can’t exactly do that if I’m his spitting image, can I?”

“So you’re Tailored now or you were before?”

“Wouldn’t you like to know?” Kol bit out.

“Now, now.” Kaz clicked his tongue in disappointment and you noticed he sported a plain walking stick instead of the crow-topped cane he usually used. “You may want to keep your little guard dog on a tighter leash.”

“I suggest you try not to piss him off then.” You countered smoothly. “He bears no Snake.”

“He stands at your side, doesn’t he?”

“What business, Brekker? You leave a note like a spook and then dance around your demands.” You pressed. “You let your friend do all the talking for you?”

Kaz took a step forward and you did the same. Jesper hesitantly reached for his friend before he thought better of it. Kol didn't move.

“I could say the same for you, Snake.” Kaz answered. His eyes flicked across your face and you saw him examining the new features you sported. He made a face when he got the freckles.

“What. Business.” You repeated, adding more force to your words.

“The gambling den you’ve acquired is in Dreg territory.” He began, tapping his stick with his words like a metronome keeping beat. “Before, Haskell let it go because Rollins was the owner.”

“Yes, dear old Dad was very proud of the ‘thorn in Haskell’s side’ that the place was.”

“Ten percent a week.” Kaz said flatly, all business at that moment.

“If Haskell wants money he could’ve bought it out sooner. What’s the real point of this attempted tax?”

“Profit.”

“Papa said the place was a pisspot, hardly any profit to be made.”

“Why’d you buy it then?”

“To piss you off, clearly.” You smiled. “And a jab at Rollins. Six percent a week or ten percent a fortnight.”

“We aren’t here to barter, Dear.” Kaz shook his head. “Ten a week.”

You itched to flick out the blade but you held back.

“The Kerch love to barter.” You said instead and gestured to the large building of the Exchange behind you. “Their patron is all about profit and you’re no better. I see your game.”

“Do you?”

“You want to try to drain my coffers so we’ll need to come to you for aid.” You scoffed. “Eight a week.”

“Ten.”

“No.”

You saw the flash of Jesper’s pistol handles at his hips.

“As I said last time.” You spoke to Jesper over Kaz’s shoulder. “Never unarmed are we, Fahey?”

He grinned, fingers grazing his pistols affectionately, before you turned back to Kaz.

“You want to catch us in some short-sticked deal that gives you power over us.” You said simply. “I may not have the numbers of the Dregs or your experience, Dirtyhands, but I’ve watched my father enough to know better. Ten every fortnight.”

“Fifteen a fortnight.”

“All of the Saint’s.” You groaned and ran a hand down your face. “What will you offer us in return? You’re biding time, for either some dramatic reveal or some alleged last chance offer to force my hand. What is it?”

You felt the back of Kol’s hand tap yours, an unspoken question that you ignored.

“Your lives.” Kaz shrugged.

“You can’t kill us here.”

“That won’t stop us as soon as you step out the Exchange.”

“Kaz.” Jesper tried but Kaz held up a gloved hand. “This wasn't the plan.”

“I think it was.” Kol spoke firmly. “Dirtyhands doesn’t offer fair deals.”

“He’s a quick study, isn’t he?” Kaz spoke with faux admiration and you gave him a sarcastic expression. “Tell me. How goes it with Nina, hmm?”

“She’s a very lovely woman.” Kol gave a small bow. “I enjoyed our time.”

“Leave him be.” You cut in with a raised hand of your own. “We came here to make a deal, Brekker, so let’s make it. Tell me what you really want from me and my snakes, then I’ll consider what percentage of the Rook’s profit you can hold.”

“The Rook?” Jesper asked, ignoring the look Kaz gave him.

“Well, the Poisoned Rook to be exact.” You smiled and Kaz’s glare turned to you. “An omen of a bird to some, but it’s simply homage to the gang that lets us make a nice little den there. And the poison is, of course, a snake bite.”

“Clever.” Jesper nodded, his weight shifting between feet as his finger drummed the handles of his pistols. “But not very nice.”

“Or smart.” Kaz bit out.

“You know what they say, worthless parents makes stupid kids.” You shrugged and flicked your hair over shoulder but you couldn’t ignore the way the tension had risen in the square.

You were suddenly highly aware of Kaz’s body language. His shoulders were set, head high and challenging. Both hands rested atop the cane, fingers twitching and tapping. You liked that you were grating his nerves, wearing him down to something, but you didn’t know if you really wanted to see what that something was.

Kol was a solid presence beside you. He was less than a step behind you and his arm brushed yours. There was a jittery feeling from him, as if his powers were crawling to the surface with a demand to be released. To be released at your command.

“I’d like to reach a deal tonight, Brekker.” You gave a small nod. “We all know you are a man that can make life very easy or very difficult in the Barrel. My father can attest to that, I assume?”

He said nothing, only raised a dark brow. You inched forward, leaning in slightly so only he heard your next words.

“You think I don’t remember what he did.” You spoke lowly. “But I do. You think I hate him for the fun of it? He took your brother from you but he took you both from me.”

“Did you even notice?” He asked in the same hushed tone but there was a sadness laced into his words. “When we were left to die.”

Your eyes found the chain around his neck. Trailing your  gaze asking the length of it, you saw your ring neatly tucked away. “A story for another day.”

You leaned away and took a half step back, just to be able to look him in the eyes.

“Twelve percent every fortnight.” You offered, holding a hand out for him to shake.

“Thirteen.” He countered.

You sighed slightly, knowing there wasn’t much else you could do. You could sit there and go back and forth with Kaz all night over single percentages, having Kol and Jesper sitting at the ready in case either of you got too testy, but it wouldn’t be worth anything. You glanced over your shoulder at Kol but he simply shook his head, not looking at you. You didn’t need him to speak for you to know what he was trying to tell you.

Do not give in to Kaz Brekker. Not now, not ever.

“I…” You trailed off, looking back to Kaz. “You’ve backed me into a corner.”

You folded your arms over your chest, feeling the hard material of your hidden weaponry at your wrist.

“So it seems.” Kaz said, sounding bored.

“But you also have some leverage you haven’t used.” You realized, eyes catching on the silver chain around his neck. “It makes me wonder what else you’re hiding.”

He offered you a slight smirk. “I assure you, Davina, that I have no tricks here tonight.”

“Tonight.” Kol repeated.

“I agree.” You pointed in Kol’s direction for a moment. “What’s to keep your tricks away after tonight?”

“Trust.” Kaz shrugged, as if it didn’t matter.

“Listen, Davina.” Jesper said, taking a step closer. “Can I call you that?”

“What else would you call me?” You asked plainly, head tilting slightly.

“Right.” He grinned. “Kaz may be a cheat and a liar and a con and a-”

“Yes, he’s a sparkling personality.” You cut in gently. “Is this intended to inspire confidence?”

“I agree with Vi-” Kaz began before he sharply cut himself off. “Davina.”

Jesper gave him a questioning look, and you assumed Kol did the same, but all you could do was smirk. The Zemeni boy shook away whatever he was thinking and turned back to you.

“My point is that while Kaz is every terrible thing you’ve heard about him, he is still a man of his word. If you two manage to strike a deal, he’ll honor it.” He nodded firmly, wholeheartedly believing in Kaz.

“I admire your trust in your leader.” Kol offered and you felt his hand press lightly against the small of your back. “But will the rest of the Dregs? Will the Wraith?”

The action caught Kaz’s attention and he narrowed his eyes in Kol’s direction. You could’ve sworn you’d seen a new fire ignite in his stare, jaw clenching and his chin raising in a silent challenge.

Interesting.

“Kaz?” You said, drawing his focus back to you. The anger in his eyes seemed to soften and you stared in quiet suspicion for a moment. You let the idea leave you and redirected your thoughts to the deal at hand. “I know you understand that I need this deal to beneficial to me and my snakes in some way. What can you truly offer?”

Before Kaz could answer, a new voice cut through from the far end of the Exchange and you all turned towards it.

“Well, isn’t this a sight?” He announced and the sound of his voice reminded you of the way his bullet tore through your shoulder.

You growled quietly and flicked your hand, the blade shooting free at your wrist. Kol came around you to be one step in front of you. Jesper had drew a pistol in a move so fast you didn’t see it, just the light gleaming off the carefully polished weapons.

You had to admit, they were a beautiful piece of craftsmanship.

Jesper caught you admiring his weapons and he shot you a wink.

You all seemed to ready yourselves for a fight, everyone but Kaz.

“Tell me you didn’t.” You tried, hating the desperation in your voice but unable to keep it out. “Kaz, please.”

“Only the previous owners can protest a sale.” He explained and your heart sunk. Any hopes of a true deal that night were squandered almost immediately. “Given your father was the majority owner, it was quite simple really.”

“Bastard.” You hissed and turned back to your father’s approaching figure. He seemed to have come alone, but you didn’t trust he didn’t have Lions in the shadows.

“Hello, daughter.” He smiled and you sneered slightly. “You seem different.”

“I grew into those Kaelish features, just like you said I would.” You spat and his movements stopped as he reached you two.

“And the boy with his hands up must be the one who made you look the way you had when we first met.” He nodded and you hated the way he spoke about Kol. “He almost had me convinced. You looked so much like your mother.”

“Yet you were still able to shoot me. You would’ve killed me.”

“So you come running to this wretched urchin?” He laughed. “Little Boy Brekker can’t protect you, Davi.”

“I don’t need his protection.” You shoved past Kol, your blade glittering in the pale moonlight. Shining, like something divine from your wrist. “I put my own knife in you, without help from a Corporalnik or Brekker or anyone.”

“Which reminds me.”

He threw your blade at your feet and you slammed you foot down on it.

“Consider it a peace offering.” Your father shrugged. “Took four sessions with a Healer to truly mend that wound so I tip my hat to you.”

“Peace?” You laughed. “There is no peace with you, Father. The only peace is death.”

You looked to Kaz and he was already studying you. The thought that this was all for him to learn something about you, that you were simply an investment or entertainment, made yout stomach turn.

You wanted to scream at him, to curse him and threaten him and beat him bloody. But you did none of those things. You did nothing because it wasn’t his fault you felt betrayed. He had called your father to protest, but he had never said anything towards your side. He never claimed he would be your ally, your friend, or anything other than a problem. You had convinced yourself that there was potential in your allegiance, that the ways he looked at you or the way he spoke had meant something more was at least possible if not likely.

Your endless fawning is going to get you killed.

Maybe Melli was right. Maybe Kaz had managed to con you to your own execution.

But you weren’t going to be the one to tell her that.

“Fine.” You huffed. You tucked the blade, slid the cuff off, and handed it to Kol. Kneeling down, you reached for your other blade. It had been cleaned of your father’s blood.

Kol was kneeling beside you, reaching for your hands. You pushed the handle into his grip instead.

“What are you doing?” He asked quietly. You peaked up and saw Jesper speaking to Kaz in the same low tone. You couldn’t hear what the boys were saying, but Kaz’s watchful gaze was flicking between you and presumably your father. “Davina?”

“I won’t risk you or Fahey for whatever scheme Brekker’s lured us into.” You shook your head. “Take those back to Melli, tell her what’s happened. She knows what to do.”

“You can’t mean that.” His eyes were wide and pleading.

“I do… Stay with her as if she were me. And tell her she was right. I shouldn’t have put so much faith into Kaz.”

“I wouldn’t dream of leaving, but I… I can’t let you do this.”

You felt your pulse flutter, carefully slowing. You blinked in surprise and then reached out to shove Kol to the ground. The quick motion broke his focus and your heart beat normally in your chest. You stood tall, feeling the other blade settle in your boot, and glared at Kaz for a moment.

“Kaz, may I employ your sharpshooter for a favor?” You asked tightly.

“Employment requires you to pay him.” He answered carefully.

You scoffed and reached into your boot. You pulled the blade out and tucked it into a sheath along your vest before pulling three folded bills. You held it between two fingers and raised your brows expectantly.

“His decision then.” Kaz gestured to Jesper.

“All I ask is you walk my friend out the courtyard.” You said.

“What? Davina, I-“ Kol tried.

“He will not raise a hand or his powers towards you because that may be considered cause for war between Snakes and Dregs.” You said pointedly to Kol before returning focus to Jesper. “You’ll be safe as a baby swaddled in their mother’s arms. He just needs to leave and then you can do whatever it is you planned.”

You held the money out to him and he looked to Kaz in hesitation. Kaz shrugged so Jesper reached for the money. You handed it over without a word and he led Kol away. The Heartrender looked over his shoulder once and you waved him away.

You turned your glare back to Kaz/

“And how does this end now? A three way deal where you still end up taking majority.” You snapped as you began crossing the grounds to stand across from your father. Kaz was keeping stride beside you and the urge to kick his cane out from under him had never been stronger.

“In all truth, Davina, I was hoping our deal would be done before it go to this.” He answered, but you no longer trusted anything he said.

“That’s why the Wraith isn’t here. She’s watching the bought Stadwatch.”

He said nothing as you approached your father.

“What business?” You said flatly to him and you felt Kaz stand closer to your side. You wanted to jerk away to ensure distance, but you didn’t want to give your father any ammunition against you.

You were on your own in that courtyard, but you didn’t need to advertise it.

“My gambling den.” He said simply. “I want it back.”

“No.” You shrugged. “Make me an offer and I’ll consider selling you a few shares.”

“I am majority owner of that place, Davina. You cannot take it from me.” “You were the majority owner but you signed it away.” You shrugged. “If you go to the Exchange in the morning and request to see the paperwork, you’ll find your signature. Nice and neat, with just enough flourish to roll your eyes at.”

He scoffed. “I never would’ve sold it to the likes of you.”

“And yet you did… That’s what the paperwork claims, at least.”

“Forgery.” He realized. “You wretched little girl.”

“Thank you.” You smiled. “I learned it from my father.”

His hand raised and you shifted your feet, widening your stance to take the hit. His fist slammed your jaw, head jerking to the side as you stumbled slightly. You laughed to yourself as you faced him again and a horrified silence fell over the Exchange.

“How much did it cost you, hmm?” You wiped your thumb along your bottom lip and it came back wet, a small collection of blood from where your lip split. “To buy off the Stadwatch.”

“I’d pay it again in a heartbeat.” He practically snarled.

“Come on then.” You taunted. “Get your money’s worth.”

His fist collided with your stomach and you doubled over. You reached for your sheathed blade but both of his fists slammed against your spine and you dropped to the floor, the knife clattering to the ground. You scrambled for it but his boot came against your side.

One. Two. Three. Four. Hard kicks hitting your stomach, stealing the air from your lungs, feeling as if they were bruising your organs, threatening to crack your rib. You found your blade and threw yourself on your back, propping up on your elbows, and crawled backwards. You were desperate for space to get to your feet despite every breath you took feeling as if you had no room in your chest for your lungs anymore.

You saw the bottom of his boot aiming for your head so you rolled out of the way. Your other hand shot out and gripped his pant leg before you gave a hard yank. He hit the floor with a satisfying thump. Once you cleared your father’s reach, you felt two hands under your arms hauling you to your feet. Turning your head, you saw gloved hands on you and you jerked out of Kaz’s grip.

“Touch me again and I will-” You tried to threaten when a shot cut through the courtyard.

The bullet landed in the cobblestones a few inches from where you stood. If you had still been on the ground, the bullet would’ve ripped through your body. You spun towards where the bullet came from and you saw a blur of a small figure darting along the roofline.

Inej wasn’t trying to save you, but Kaz made sure he did.

“My thanks to your Spider.” You muttered to Kaz, empty hand reaching to hold your pained stomach. “We won’t reach a deal while he’s here.” You gestured to your father with your knife, who was getting to his feet.

“So it seems.” Kaz said thoughtfully, scanning your figure quickly. You saw his gaze catch on your midsection.

“You had to have seen this coming.” You reasoned. “He shot me last time I spoke to him.”

“His mistake.” He shook his head. “You’re stronger than he gives you credit for. There are as many tales of you as there are me. He’d do well to learn them.”

“They’re tales, Brekker. They don’t mean anything.”

“There’s enough truth in all of them.”

“Right, well, that doesn’t answer how we get out of this.”

He offered you a smirk and your brows furrowed. He raised his cane and after a moment, the Exchange’s courtyard erupted into a flurry of bright lights. Some were colored, others dazzling. You stared in awe, though you had to squint through the sudden luminance. There was a fine powder coming from some of the bursts but you didn’t have a chance to interact with it.

Kaz grabbed your arm and dragged you away from the scene, leaving your father covering his eyes and yelling to no one.

[badgyalshii]

ITS NEVER OVER |||

+ (WHERE HAVE YOU GONE)

word count: 1.7?

Paul atreides x Reader (Always safe for POC + PLUS SIZE) Paul POV!!!

warnings: signs of depression? were happy in there tho, proof read? yeah something like that (god i am not good at these😭) y/n is not in this chapter but ofc shes mentioned entirely throughout the text.

A/N: AHHHHHH THE FINAL CHAPTER BEFORE THE FINALE, IM EXCITED TO POSTTTT, i hope you guys enjoyed and i love the feedback i recieved! i love you all, have a good day/night, whenever you get this! (Also, considering that this is from pauls POV i thought that i might add an extra title)

Hey! Have you read the first chapters? You didnt? What! Read it here!! I . II . III . IV.

Hmm? You said you like shii’z writing?! Omg me too! Check out her masterlist!

He let out a heavy breath before he ripped his mask off of his face. He wasn't supposed to be out alone considering he was the new crowned emperor. But he was, and he was searching for you and he wasn't gonna give up until he did. He wore heavy clothing to try and hide his identity from others, and a bag that slung around his shoulder consisting of his journal, water, and other things he might need. He settles for the night in a rock. A rock with a beautiful view. He has been on the road for so long, he's forgotten how long, he didn't really care to remember either, considering it would help motivate to find you. He walks around the rock, searching for anything to give him clues of you or if you might've been here.

As he looked around, It was clear that someone had been there before. He looked at the bad attempt of making a bed, but he didn't touch it. His eyes slightly closed from trying to study the bed, there were still prints of a body, maybe two, on the bed. He hunches over. There was a piece of hair, as disgusting as it sounds…he picked it up. It was the same as yours, he took a rather long pause before thinking, maybe he should smell the bed? No, what if he smells something he doesn't like. He shook his head before looking at the single strand of hair that was in his hand. He sat down on the bed, setting the hair gently aside before taking off his glove and putting the strand back in his palm. Everybody's hair could be similar, he thought. He let out a sigh before looking ahead of him. He didn't know what time it was, but all he knew was that he was tired and heart broken. He didn't miss his home, not at all, not with you not there.

He put his glove and his mask back on before placing the hair into his bag. Out of everything that was going on, at least the view was beautiful. He stood and walked to the view of the rock, carelessly taking footsteps before he sighed and dropped down, his legs open and his elbows on his knees as he took in the view. He let in a deep breath. ¨tired. I am tired¨ he let out in a whisper. He fought his sleep often because he knew it would make him less confident and he would grow to slack, but sometimes he just couldn't take it anymore. The yawns leaving his lips, difficulty holding onto the hooks that latched onto the sandworm, but he thought he could finally settle here for a while, as a reward for finding a piece of hair that have a 5 percent chance of being yours.

As he watched the view, he thought of you. He didn't cry as much anymore. When he cried, he cried alone in private. And during that time, he cried until he couldn't anymore. Every time he saw Irulan it made him sick to his stomach. As much as he wanted to blame her, he couldn't. His heart was too good and he knew better than to let a weak desperate moment turn into anger. ¨why did i offer?¨ he would think over and over, countless times, wondering how could he be so careless. But he wasn't, he didn't want to marry her for the reason of love, just wanted to keep her safe as a promise to the retired and overthrown emperor. Thinking about it made him question his character, who has he grown to be? hed remembered what you said, he always thought of the smart and wise things you had to say.

¨its okay to feel how you feel, paul¨ you looked at him with a pity smile on your face while your hand was on his cheek. He had another nightmare. He didn't want it to be true. ¨this is gonna make me go crazy, y/n¨ paul whispered back, leaning into y/ns touch. ¨don't let it fool you, don't let it phase you, don't let it change you¨ you replied. At times, all paul wanted to do was give up. He didnt wanna be the chosen one. It was all too much. He could stay here forever, with you. For all eternity if he could.

Paul sighs and looks to the side. Remembering what you said, he wished things weren't so quiet.he laughed to himself, all the dreams he had of the future, but none of you. He sat alone, all alone, not one book, not one sound, just him, by himself. He felt empty, he wants you, he needs you, he needed someone to make him feel complete again, but days spread thick and long, bored, fighting himself back and forth between hope for finding you and wondering if you had just moved on. He wished he had a dream of you, of your blue eyes glistening in the sun, of your laugh, He wished it was so vivid that he touched you, that he could control his dream and talk to you, make love to you, but he had nothing, nothing at all. Nothing to remember you by, just a stupid suspicious piece of hair, tears brimmed his eyes, he needs you. There was no one he could pray to if he was the chosen one. No matter how hard he fought, how he tried to distract himself from work, it all lead up to one person, not one other thought, never out of sight out of mind, he knew what he wanted and he fell so deep he felt like he just couldn't grasp it anymore, how was he supposed to live his life without you. Your soft gentle hands grazing his face and answering the stupid and goofy questions he asked. There was no one else and he knew that now, didn't even find anyone else attractive. Lonesome nights, he didn't want to be on his own, ever again. Once he found you he vowed to never let you go, no matter how loud your voice is, no matter if you kicked him down, your in his heart and he just cannot let go, but how long could he search? Huh? How long would it be until he found you? When will he hear your voice again? When will he kiss you again? He didn't even say I love you before you walked off, for all he knew, that was his last goodbye.

On the first day, he acted as if nothing happened, but then he realized you weren't there, he couldn't pick at your dinner plate, he could hear your laughs, he couldn't feel your pity hits after he whispers a dirty joke. He had no one to talk to, no one to ask him if he was okay. Was he...okay? Had he known he was okay? Or has he grown so long to the point where he wasnt and he just didn't know it. He wished he said more, begged you to stay, cried about it, weeped about it, there was so much he could've done and he didn't, he only said a short explanation of how he was waiting for you and now he's on the run, on the search. He was so tired, so tired of looking at the same spice on the ground, carving on the rock of the walls. He wanted to be next to you, holding your head in his shoulder, hear your soft snores as you slept like there wasn't a care in the world. He'd never expect this, a life without you. He sighed and shook the thought out of his head, noticing he was in too deep and he wiped the tears that slowly dropped from his face, letting out a sniffle as he looked ahead. He didn't want to be too deep, of course he missed you, but he wanted to find you with a clear conscience, a healthy mind. He needed something to keep him going. His eyebrows furrowed as he looked to the ground. He placed a palm down and leaned closer to the floor. What is this? This imprint on the floor? Looks familiar.

He looked over it, careful not to move or make any sudden movements. ¨y/n?¨ he muttered. Any normal person would've thought paul as crazy, looking like he's searching for spice on the floor, and then wanting to jump and cheer, because, well, because what?

The necklace

The necklace Paul got for her. It was there! Clear as day. What a time to cheer! He couldn't fight off the smile on his lips. She's alive! She's alive! What a joy, out for two years! Been all around Arrakis, and at such a time he was going to give up, go home, force himself to get comfortable with his new situation, you were out there. Shall he go home? To tell stilgar and have a celebration? Sweet red wine sounded like heaven. He wiped his eyes as finally, finally tears came down. Tears of joy, he waited for this moment, oh so long! He was so happy he could take the dirt and put it in his bag also.

He laughed, he found it funny how he grew so tired of being next to his queen that he went and found you himself after he told you to come back. He grew impatient. He took out his journal and wrote, writing his life away as he thought of you, as the warmness of love and hope crowded his vision and spreaded throughout his body. This is all he wanted, to find you. And he was so close, so, so close.

He hadn't felt like this in a long time. He got up and collected the dirt from the necklace in his hand and watched it fall from his gloves. Looking around and seeing the footsteps, all yours he believed! He looked before following the footsteps, he followed them foot by foot until he was in the sand again. He hunched over, trying to search for the footsteps as they were getting lost from the wind of the sand until he couldn't anymore. He stood and pulled out his compass for the direction that you went. When it pointed he saw and lifted his head in the direction you went. This was it, this was the final piece, this was the end.

You were home.

Taglist 🏷️

@ennycutie @cookiezxx

[sehnsuchts-trunken]

Short And Sweet

Bradley Bradshaw x short!reader (because im short and ive always loved it lol) 1.5k words 

summary: Bradley is much taller than you. And when the jar of jam you need just so suddenly happens to be on the top shelf, he reminds you why you love that so much. 

disclaimer, i wrote this in the span of two hours with legally blonde on in the background so idk how much sense it makes

top gun masterlist | top gun blurbs

(i HAD to use this gif even if it doesnt fit like. LOOK AT HIM)

Flying was freeing. Freeing in ways that you couldn't describe. Up in the air, you didn't have to worry about anything down there - anything stressful or straining or terrifying. You could be yourself with every fibre of your body. Adrenaline, pure adrenaline, pumping through your veins. Your heart hammering so strongly that you could feel it, hear it. The sound of your own laughter in your ears as you sped up, up and up, until you were going so fast that there was no one faster than you in the world, the entire world, no one faster. Chasing the clouds, the sun, the skies. Being so absolutely free.

And not that you felt bad down on the ground or anything. No.

But up in the air, you belonged. You'd known that this was where you were supposed to be, had always been supposed to be, the very first time you’d ever started a plane.

And the records mirrored just that - the fact that this was what you were supposed to be doing.

You'd worked your way to the top quickly. It had taken a lot, of course, you'd never pretend that it had been easy at any point. But you couldn't imagine ever taking a different path. So you weren't surprised that you'd ended up at Top Gun, and you weren't surprised that you'd graduated top of your class. No, you had worked hard for it, and you deserved it.

You weren't surprised either that you counted as one of the best, the very best, and not only in your year, but on active duty. It was flattering, sure, it was nice to hear, nice to know, and you were proud, but you still weren't surprised. This was who you were.

You were never surprised when it came to the navy, to your career. So you weren't surprised either when they called you in for a mission - back to Top Gun, back to San Diego where it had all started.

The very first time that something surprised you in all those years was when you caught sight of Bradley Bradshaw.

And then things continued to surprise you.

Now, as you stood in the kitchen of your very own apartment, the room filled with laughter and chatter, you were surprised by a jar of jam. More specifically that the jar of jam had somehow vanished from the fridge.

You needed this thing for dessert. Where the fuck could a jar of jam have disappeared to?

Apparently to the highest kitchen shelf, because that's where you spotted it a minute later.

You huffed to yourself, blowing a strand of hair away from your face that had fallen into your eyes. Someone must have used it and then forgotten that opened jars belonged in the fridge. And that someone probably had been your boyfriend.

You set your palm flat against the counter, pushed yourself up on tiptoes and reached out with your free hand, trying to grab the jar and failing miserably. You pushed up a little more, straining at this point, still not even grazing it with your fingertips.

Okay, so you minded your height a little sometimes. Like right now, for example, as you debated the odds of climbing up on the counter top without breaking your neck. 

“Want me to lend you a hand there, baby?”

You rolled your eyes as you pulled back and turned to look at him - one of those stupidly attractive Hawaiian shirts on, sunglasses hooked into the collar of the white top underneath, looking way too innocent for the crime he’d committed. 

“This is all your fault, Bradshaw”, you complained, pointing a finger at him accusingly. “Admit it, you put it there on purpose. You and I both know only your things go on the top shelf.” 

He was grinning, not even trying to mask his amusement. You just huffed again and narrowed your eyes. 

“If you don’t want my help...”, he trailed off and took a step back, pretending to go and leave you alone here, fighting for your life against a jar of jam. 

“Oh no, no, definitely not, we are not playing this game. You admit right here, right now that you put it there on purpose or... or you’re sleeping on the couch tonight.”

His face fell at that and he stepped closer again, reaching for your waist and tugging you to him, leaning down to bury his head in your neck. His breath was hot against your skin. 

“Don’t be mad, baby”, he whispered, pressing a kiss just below your ear, so soft that you almost missed it. “You’re just too cute.” 

You gasped and hit his arm, drawing back to look at him. He was basically hunched over - so pretty much on the same level as you. 

“I’m not cute”, you protested. “Baby kittens are cute. I’m an adult human woman. I’m not cute.” 

He chuckled and kissed the tip of your nose, tilting his head to the side. “You are. Very.” 

You couldn’t help the small smile tugging at your lips. He saw it too, even as you did your best to hide it. His grin widened. 

“Admit it”, he muttered. “You like that I’m tall enough to reach the shelves that you can’t.” 

“Almost everyone’s tall enough to reach things I can’t.” You rolled your eyes. “I’m short, Bradshaw. I’m literally shorter than anyone else on the squad.” 

He just raised his eyebrows as you bit your lip and avoided looking at him, instead pretending that the tiles were very interesting. Actually there was some dirt on there, so that was interesting, because you’d specifically told everyone to take off their shoes before they came in. 

“Okay”, you muttered eventually, meeting his eyes again. “I do like that you’re tall.”

And then another thing that surprised you happened. Not because he leaned down to kiss you, not because you almost knocked his sunglasses onto the floor as you reached for his collar and pulled him closer, not because he wrapped his arms around you and lifted you off of your feet, but because in that very moment, Jake Seresin decided to make his grand appearance. 

He needed another beer. 

He whistled when he caught sight of the two of you kissing, whistled so obnoxiously loud that you broke away in panic, so loud that Phoenix appeared in the doorway as well to check out what was happening. So loud that the rest of the squad perched in your living room turned and tried to peek through the door too. 

Bradley still had his arms around you protectively, your toes were still not touching the ground and your hands were still gripping onto his collar, but you’d both turned to face Jake with wide eyes.

“Hooking up in the kitchen now, I see”, he grinned. “Better not get anything in our food.” 

“We weren’t hooking up”, you said, just a little breathless from the kiss. 

“Yeah, mind your business, Bagman”, Bradley added, angling you away from the door. You didn’t understand how he was holding you up so effortlessly. Even a man like him had to have some limit as to how long he could lift an entire person - but no. Apparently not. With how often he’d carried you around the apartment already you were beginning to think he had some kind of superpower.

“Just make sure to be safe, you two.” Jake had the audacity to wink. “You know, use protection. We need you both up in the air for another few years.” 

You and Bradley seemed to take away two very different things from that. 

“I’ll have you know we’re very responsible adults”, he said, while you grinned and asked “You need us?”. 

Jake just scoffed, grabbed himself a new can of beer and marched back off into the living room. Phoenix stayed in the doorway with a quiet laugh on her lips. 

“You two are watching the food, yes?” She raised an eyebrow. 

“I think we’re able to multitask”, you said, resting your chin on Bradley’s shoulder as you looked at her. He turned you even further, setting you down on the kitchen counter, settling in between your legs. You watched her shake her head and walk back into the living room and then you saw nothing but that Hawaiian shirt anymore and you had to guess if the smile you’d spotted on her face had actually been there. 

You had to tip your head back to look him in the eyes. He rested his hands beside your thighs, lowering himself just a bit. The silence was comfortable - although it could hardly be called silence with all the chatter coming from the next room - not heavy or forced. Eventually you sighed and leaned against the cupboard behind you. 

“Will you grab the jam for me?” 

The only answer you got was a chuckle and you were surprised once again as he leaned down to kiss you, hesitating just before his lips met yours, the corners of his mouth tugging upwards, swerving right, breath ghosting over the shell of your ear. 

“All you had to do was ask, baby.” 

[melissa-titanium]

uh violence ask game

12

ok . ok. i'm gonna talk about my two current faves right now because imFucking deranged

khan. im so serious .he is so fucking interesting i honest to god havent rewatched md in a hot second but if you think about his concepts & how he acts in ep 7 AND HONESTLY EVERY SINGLE EPISODE THAT HE'S IN . he's just. hes just so interesting??? i don't see people talking about him alot for reasons that are totally justifiable but just once i wish to see character analysis that isnt about n or uzi..

i want to know about his dynamic with nori. i want to watch his descent into depression (?) after she died & i really, REALLY want to see his redemption. because he does care. everyone is capable of change, and even if he's had a few hiccups in his appearances in the show, i really think he can improve. he DOES care. even if he's forgotten how to show it. i find the conflict between him and uzi very interesting esp involving n. because i think he understands n's a good friend for uzi but there's that innate fear he's immortalized in his brain after having to put down his wife who was attacked by the very creature uzi's new friend is.

the guy's clearly traumatized. he lost his wife, he's emotionally distanced from his child, he's clearly poured himself into his work. and this is from the . like. ten minutes of screentime he's gotten. like COME ON. even if you have no interest in him you have to admit there's a lot there to unpack. even if you have no interest in HIM, you have to admit it's fucking hilarious that his pringles logo ass pulled NORI of all drones. come on. i'm also very curious because he seemed to be a drone that came from before the core collapsed... assuming he and nori were similar ages, he must have had personal run ins with humans. i wonder what that was like

i can completely understand where people are coming from when they say they dislike him because he reminds them of their dad. but i guess i have a different opinion on him cause of how My dad was? i don't know i don't want to get super personal about fictional robots but to put it bluntly i don't have a relationship with him. a lot of factors in my life that weren't directly his fault lead him to being pretty absent in my life and i guess i connect alot to khan because i kind of. wish. he w as . my dad ? i dont know. khan is like an exact parallel of my dad if he Cared. so like. yes :) i have a weird affinity for khan haha. mr uzi!

ok. mob psycho. other than my absolute faves who are hilarious & underrated , inukawa, goda, mezato and TOME <3333 ... my absolute fave has to be tsubomi motherfucking takane. i have not read the reigen spinoff, but i'm REALLY fucking hoping we get to see more of her in the spinoff. because. she's so interesting. she's so fucking interesting.

the entire series presents her as this unobtainable thing of goodness, the end-all of mob's goals. this is ESPECIALLY emphasized in the show which makes her (in the words of ONE i think) more heroic in appearance... and by that i mean they gave her yaoiful eyes. like they made her really pretty in the show to emphasize how mob's looking at her through rose tinted glasses, which is such a cool detail because as the story progresses we see her with her original comic design as mob realizes she's just a person like him! she's literally the driving force of the entire narrative, but barely gets ANY screentime... in the moments we do see of her, she shows a lot of interesting traits. but BESIDES her interactions with mob, there's so much more i find interesting about her. i've only been into mp100 for a month and ive only watched it maybe 6 times so please forgive me if my information is skewed.

in the divine tree arc... dimple points out how she's very openly honest about her wants and is not afraid to deny someone, no matter how forceful. she's literally the only fucking person next to teru who was described as being able to withstand the mind control. not even fucking reigen could.

she rejects a shit ton of people in one of the arcs i can't remember. but literally the fact that someone asks her "why :(?!" when she rejects them and she's like. oh do you really want to know? and goes out of her way to ROAST THE FUCK out of this random ass guy.

in the confession arc, mezato talks to mob about the things she's learned about tsubomi (which is gay as hell btw. i know she's a reporter but god damn) about the fact that she appears to feel strongly about maintaining her image. she's very polite upfront with friends she talks with, but when she's alone/away from other people seems to drop that facade into something more disinterested/distant... which sort of tracks, considering a lot of people only want to connect with her because of her looks/the popularity she can give them by interacting with them. that gets exhausting, i can sympathize lol. she also seems to have trouble trusting others / feels like she's constantly got to be on guard. maybe her place in the school's hierarchy is really the only thing she has? i don't know, but her reaction to literally. sneezing in front of other people was so overblown it really seemed she thought her life would be ruined if her friends saw her needing a tissue which is so interesting to me.

EVEN RITSU DESCRIBES HOW DISINTERESTED SHE SEEMED IN OTHER PEOPLE when she left them playing hide & seek as a kid LOL. like she's in her own little world. my takeaway from her scenes is that she's constantly keeping everyone else at arm's length because she doesn't trust anyone. to her, everyone just wants to get close to her because they want the positives coming from being near her, not because they want to get to know her. everyone seems to know her behind her mask... which i know i said i wouldn't compare her to mob (and i'm not! i just find this comparison interesting, she's incredible on her own) but they have this in common from my understanding. mob has also hidden himself away from the world via insane suppression & masking because he had an experience that taught him that expressing himself was dangerous. tsubomi hides herself away from the world with masking I Think because she believes it's dangerous/can cause unnecessary grief to get close to other people because they'll always fuck with her in the end (hence the fucking. sneezing scene IDK WHAT TO CALL THAT SCENE HAHA)

so like. mob's infatuation with her is like him grasping at a life that's out of his reach... when in reality, she's not on a higher level than him -- she's just like him. i don't know i'm thinking about this now. okay. i really like tsubomi.

[corviiids]

8, 18, 23, and all the other numbers you haven't answered yet

ooohoho really enabling me there thank you very much. answered 23 in the last one! i wont do all of them or this'll get super long but ill put a few more under the cut!!

8. if you had to write a sequel to a fic, you’d write one for…

tbh ive been contemplating a silly oneshot sequel to as you like it but i do have to actually finish the damn thing before i even think about that so ill leave it there.

18. if you keep them, share a deleted sentence or paragraph from a published fic

im actually notoriously bad at killing my darlings so i didn't think i'd have that many deleted scenes, but i did find a few older versions of the makoto&ren scene in chapter 6 of as you like it that i had completely forgotten about. looking back on these i actually still like them

v1.0 of the grounding sequence ren goes through after his nightmares. i think i cut this because it was too long and didn't flow well in context, but im sort of fond of it in isolation:

this was from an alternate version of the scene altogether, where they go to harajuku instead of inokashira so ren can find some featherman merch futaba wanted. i dont like this version as much as the final but i am fond of the extremely long spiralled potato:

then a completely unrelated ren/akc date that i cut because it wasn't doing any work and i didn't think it was fun enough to be kept in:

...

a few more answers for fun (1-5)

writer asks

the last sentence you wrote

i cant remember which line i actually last wrote so here's the last line in current wip

He laughs again. In the silence where Ren tries to re-examine his own complexes, Akechi draws ahead on the wall.

2. a character whose POV you’re currently exploring

ren! i think he's fun because he's the player character and the protags are generally designed to be pretty malleable (or personalityless if you're feeling uncharitable... or wrong) so obviously there's a temptation to just make him whatever your story needs him to be, but i think he's a really tempting and interesting opportunity to really get your claws into a guy who has a personality but refuses to show it and have that be one of his character traits. he's so adaptable to every situation but there are so many moments where his stubbornness and inner values shine through in his limited dialogue, so the challenge becomes like, how do you deduce the rest of a character's hidden personality based on the little they show you? how do you unpack someone whose character is that he wants to be whoever you want him to be? what's going on in his mind? how do you understand him and fill in the gaps in a way that's consistent with what he does in canon when he gives you so little to work with? this is an irresistible challenge to me so he just lives in my brain. he's not even renting he owns the place and he doesnt have a mortgage

3. how you feel about your current WIP

i think palacefic is the project that ignites the most personal passion and excitement in me so im really so excited to finish writing it so i can share it and also so i can read it instead of reading my own chickenscratch notes and think about how excited i am to write it

4. a story idea you haven’t written yet

i keep coming back to circle this idea of postcanon akeshu and how they navigate a relationship (word used free of connotation) where they are constantly circling each other and obviously cant do without each other but also like. are so codependent and not at all functional enough to really have a normal romantic relationship or even friendship. i wrote like a short scene of this which i put on twitter a while back i might actually post it here. and i also started a short fic just to get some thoughts down but never had any plans for how to continue it

5. first sentence of the fifth paragraph of an unpublished WIP

im self conscious about how much of this has been about palacefic, so have a line from my death note longfic instead (i cheated this is like the tenth paragraph because the first paragraph is introductory and none of the lines make sense in isolation or they're too spoilery)

Well, when you eliminate the impossible.

[ratatatastic]

scare the hoes more and keep yapping about ekky (& others) getting used to maffhew, it delights me. and say even more about how sasha handles this feral and sweet omega that gets dropped into his orbit. smth smth “feels like i’ve known him 10 years” or whatever vows sasha recited to the press, cameras, and god

apparently we are taking more tumblr user ratatatastic abo yap thoughts for 500 may god hear our screams up wherever he is. big man in the sky you fuckin owe me one.

i think theres so much in particular to say in concerns of 1619 and how quickly they gelled irl but even more so in an abo au

ive always enjoyed when people assign matthew stronger scents that take getting used to if you don't like it already and i know ive read a fic where his scent notes did skew towards stronger cinnamon foods/drinks

anyways on that note it wouldnt surprise me that sasha takes so easy to this spicy little omega.

Like of course he does, he smells like the pastries he used to eat back at home, the pastries he eats now because he's found an established Finnish bakery down here that makes them homemade every morning, the bakery he likes to frequent with the other Finns when he can.

Is it ever a wonder that the cute omega that sent him such a terribly sweet text when the trade news broke out (you know, after the initial excitement worn off because Sasha does chuckle at memory of the brash "Fucking, right!" that pinged on his phone the very first time from an unknown number) smells like... home... No matter all the rumours that have swirled around Matthew, the rumours Sasha has personally experienced himself playing against him...he smells nostalgic. Like Sasha could be at home right now—you know, home home—lounging outside his cottage with tea and pastries on the little table that he's set out. The warm cinnamon that wafts from the typically sterile room they've assigned for pressers smells divine, for lack of a better word. It smells indulgent. Because Sasha can't have those homely pastries all the time, what, with his training regiment.

It's why he doesn't quite believe it that Matthew's the one that's the centre of it all. He's absolutely convinced he's hallucinating because the season is about to start and he's had to cut back on all his favourite sweets as much as it pains him to but for the betterment of the team? He'd do anything. And yet despite the way he rubs at his nose to at least try to clear it, he smells that cinnamon. That cinnamon that's definitely coming from new omega they traded over who's laughing so obnoxiously at the lectern they have set up that if his scent didn't catch your attention, his loud mannerisms certainly did. His voice is practically bouncing off the walls in big loud echoes that should hurt Sasha’s ears. Emphasis on should. As it is he finds his heart melting more than it should instead.

It's been quite a long time since someone's scent has moved him this much. All the people that have, have been in his life for so long he's forgotten what it's like to feel instant scent compatibility. His nostrils are flaring and he's trying his best not to open his mouth to huff in big gulps of it because it's rather impolite to be so obviously scenting the new guy. It could be misconstrued as Sasha taking offence to the new presence in the room.

Some part of his brain is still trying to catch up to the idea that Matthew even smells at all because the first time he met him (down here for some joint offseason ice-time) he didn't particularly smell like much, if at all really. Whether it's because he put on blockers to not intrude on pack territory until he smelled more like them, or he was still on suppressants even in the summer, Sasha wasn't sure and he definitely wasn't going to ask about it.

Known him for 10 years? He feels like he's known him his whole life. But 10's a safe number, 10's a number that won't scare off this new omega, right? 10's a number that conveys "As Captain I want this to work out, I'm opening up my pack for you, I won't shun you, you're welcome here," and not "If I stick my nose in your neck right now to scent you, they're gonna have to forcibly evict me from the new home I've found in you, and it's not gonna be a pretty outcome."

It's also why he's a little nervous when Media Day is over because despite how much it dragged along in years past it practically blitzed by and now Sasha has to—

You know, properly scent the new addition. Give them the purring acceptance of their Pack leader's scent to carry with them. And it's nothing big, it's just some chaste wrist rubbing... something subtle and not too overwhelming for everyone: the pack, and the newcomer alike. It's not like Sasha is going to mouth at Matthew's neck glands. He doesn't think he can even handle that right now but that's a problem for future Sasha—for when Matthew is really part of the pack and not like a goldfish in a plastic bag being dunked into an aquarium to get used to the water temperature. He just has to rub his wrist against his, it's like basic Alpha etiquette. It'll be fine, mostly. He hopes.

And it's as anticlimactic as he thought it'd be: gentle reintroductions and reignited chatter of excitement about the new season that's about to start... maybe just with the new lingering scent of sweet and spice in the background as if someone lit up a candle without Sasha even noticing it. It's a struggle to keep his eyes from closing from how heavy they feel, from how relaxed he feels in the presence of this new omega he knows has pissed him off on several occasions as composed as he was about it.

Matthew presents his wrist in a flourish successfully managing to divert his attention back to what they're supposed to be doing all alone like this in the dressing room like this, "I'm sure you've been dying to do this huh, Cap?"

Sweat starts to break out at the back of his neck. He knows? Sasha doesn't think he's been sending off any signals that could've hinted otherwise but Sasha admits that he's well out of practise, he hasn't had to reign in his scent this much in such a long time, and maybe Matthew picked up his weird fixation—

Matthew waggles his eyebrows for extra effect an offbeat later when the joke doesn't seem to land the way he wanted it to.

Oh, thank Christ, he's just teasing him. It's a joke. He doesn't actually mean it in the way Sasha thought he meant.

"Yes. Yes, I have," Sasha chuckles in relief, shaking his head at Matthew's attempt to lighten the mood.

"10 years, or so I've heard, bud."

"You heard? Uh, listened to the..." he trails off.

"Kinda hard not to when the setup made it sound like you were in the middle of the Earth, my guy. I don't think my ears are ever gonna recover from that."

"It's the first day for everyone," Sasha lightly chastises, not particularly aggrieved at all but wanting to keep up the banter to stall for time, so he can prepare himself. Quite honestly he feels like travelled back in time to the young anxious Alpha he was breaking out into the league for the first time.

"Be gentle, I bruise easily."

"Right, gentle. I'll treat you better than my clothes on the delicate cycle."

"Is that supposed to be a line?" Matthew says in glee, his voice pitching into incredulity.

"Line like fishing?"

"Oh, come on! You know what I'm talking about! You've been in this country long enough to pick up on that!"

"Yes, yes, that."

Matthew shoves at his shoulder playfully. "Just go on and do the thing already."

"Doing the thing."

Matthew snorts but his wrist is limp in Sasha’s hold. And as much as it was a dumb joke he does feel delicate between his fingers like that. So delicate that when he rubs his own wrist against his—to transfer over their pack scent—he feels like he's going to break it if he holds onto it for too long. It's why he drops it as quick as he took it, hands scrambling to his sides in an effort to remain polite but also to get a handle on himself so his pheromones don't go haywire with the new stimulus. It's a bit of a losing battle because he knows his scent just. But he can play it off as the excitement of an Alpha being able to claim another member to his pack, it's a possessive kind of thing.

"Well, see you around! Call it a hunch but I have a feeling we'll be seeing more of each other." And the joke wasn't funny the first time, truly the equivalent of leaning on the office fax machine and going "You come here often?" to your coworkers who just want to get their work done—and just as sleazy too with the greasy grin Matthew has permanently stuck to his face but Sasha still laughs like he did the first time he heard it.

And it's only now that Matthew is gone that Sasha realises the room smells strongly of cinnamon, so potent that anyone with a working nose would be able to tell that. Like Matthew was doing his best to ease Sasha’s obvious nerves when Sasha should've been the one to calm the omega who's been uprooted from their own pack and thrown into a completely new environment, himself.

"Jesus, it reeks in here. Smells like cinnamon," Aaron wrinkles his nose, wandering back in after his own media duties were done, finding Sasha all alone in the locker rooms.

"It does?" Like he can't tell the room smells like the equivalent of someone knocking over a Yankee Candle into an open fire.

"Yeah, like an awful lot." Aaron scrunching up his nose, trying to fight off an incoming sneeze. "It's strong," he says without thinking, swallows before his eyes shift over to Sasha and then to the floor, "Not bad just... strong..." The I can get used to it is left unspoken between them.

"I like it," Sasha admits because if Aaron is confessing to things without thinking then he might as well too. They've known each other long enough.

"I can tell." Aaron snorts, "You reek too."

Sasha lets out a questioning little noise, tilts his head to the side as he silently urges Aaron to continue.

"You have no idea what cinnamon and cardamom smell like together, do you? I feel like I walked into a bakery when I should be at the gym right now."

"Is that bad?"

"For you? No, of course not," Aaron's eyes soften, and while his scent wasn't anywhere close to abrasive, it does lighten up just a tad bit in the presence of his pack Alpha. "For me? I'd rather dunk my head in a bucket of coffee beans." A bit of an exaggeration on Aaron's part but the wry grin he has on really adds to the fact he's just joking—just a little, maybe there's some truth hidden in there. He knows how Aaron is, the way he tries to downplay anytime he bristles about something. Peace and vibes, and all that.

So Sasha can joke as well, "Forsy's stall is over there," and motions his head towards it across the room.

"Oh, hilarious."

"If I was funny I would say jock."

"You know, what? I think I will hit the gym today, thanks for reminding me."

"Mmm, anytime." And when Aaron's half out the door he adds, "Ask the staff where they put the jerseys we used today!"

"I'm going! To the gym!" he echoes back, not bothering to turn around as he shuffles down the hall in a hurry, and decidedly not going in the direction of the gym. It's not surprising when he hears chatter pick up and shoes scuffing briskly into the direction of the laundry rooms.

[ethernetmeep]

actually, whilst having the time & sitting down in the moment, its rather important to state something which occurred today. minuscule. chicken alfredo was made, i didnt eat it. it wasn’t from a dislike of alfredo but a specific circumstance where i saw the sauce of it be viewed in a sexual light before & suddenly it made me sick. its weird, it isn’t that way unless you make it that way, yes, but from the pre-established notion of my childhood being filled with weirdly sexual innuendos it makes it all the more troublesome. i guess ive become paranoid of being viewed as sexual in general because its something i remember doing (granted, due to the friends i surrounded myself with & media) when i was younger & didn’t realize how odd it was. i admittedly can’t say i was solitary or that i was separated from my peers like most people might when they describe that adolescent era since i always made myself be around people, so its not as if i suffered from a lack of social interaction as more so that interaction almost being the issue because of whom i played with. i interacted but it probably would’ve been for the better if i didn’t. summer camp comes to mind. i still see around the boy i once knew who would share the weirdly uncomfortable LPS play stories where the dogs would abuse each other and being overly awful or be weirdly sexual. we don’t talk. i don’t even wave to him. i hope he has a good life & it has gotten better, but i have realized it is probably for the better we separated as people. i have found who i want to be, and he’s found himself too. i brought him up because i remembered him & hoped that even in a passing writing about my life my act of archiving his existence shows i still care and hope the best for him. if i archive my life, that means i can archive snippets of the people. the worst thing is to not be remembered or forgotten, i think.

i seem to have driven past the original premise— this too is fitting for the affair. i do not plan to eat chicken alfredo & i avoid being in situations where i am faced with something sexual even by accident. i look downwards at my feet when i go up stairs because i do not want to make someone else paranoid someone is staring at them in an abnormal way which is in its own way a projection. i look away when i even accidentally look in the direction of someone taking off a shirt or anything ever. i even look away when a friend or pupil is drinking something an odd way… there is a distinction, actually— it is not as if what they’re doing is odd, but yet the way i interact with the world. even if its unlikely i would ever look at another person in that way, i like to remove the hypothetical from even being vaguely possible to occur. its a projection statement, how i wouldn’t want someone to look at me eating a food which could be viewed as possibly lewd, but also truthful.

this can also explain the sort of harsh mentality i have to sexual comments & how i will immediately shut down anything implying anyone i have been in contact with over my years of living in any sexual light no matter the relation. we could hate each other & i will shut it down. we could be best friends & i will shut it down. it is something which i cannot handle and will not make someone else go through. it simply isn’t happening. i have become kinder & laughed it off a little before leaving the conversation after with it, but the ending is ultimately the same. i leave. always.

make with this what you will. it’s important to state i haven’t dealt with any kind of sexual trauma, not physically, probably not mentally. my childhood was just… strange. i cannot put the right words to it.

*it is important to distinguish from this that i do not mind the topic of sex, though. i feel like.. that might have not been obvious. like what you like. do what you want. this is simply a discussion about personal circumstances. it does not mean i hate people having sex & they should die or something. far from that. i want them to be happy. its just something which i distance heavily from myself personally but is not some weird intense hatred for people wanting to get their freak on

[ask-sister-solaris]

What’s this feeling? Something…entirely new?

Papa Emeritus IV x reader

Warnings: mentions of abuse

Part: 1/??

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.

.

.

.

You smiled as you entered the crowded concert hall with your friend. You’d managed to bag tickets to see Ghost for your birthday and you couldn’t get over how excited you were. It was loud and noisy but worth it. You’d made Copia a plush of him completely forgetting that inside his little jacket you’d put a piece of paper with your number, you did mean to remove it buuut you didn’t. You were front row and had to yell to get his attention. Once he made eye contact you held up the mini Copia for him to take which he did with that cute grin on his face.

“Thank you Amore~”

You practically swooned as he spoke Italian. After the concert and you and your friend had stuffed so much mummy dust into your Jean pockets and bags and bought so much merch you called it a night. Once you got home and bud your friend goodnight you put all the merch mummy dust and other things in a special box.

As you collapsed onto the bed and plugged your phone in you saw a message from an unknown number. You opened it and all it was, was a simple. Hello.

You: hello? Who is this

???: I’m wounded you’ve forgotten me already Mia adorabile

You: wait what-

???: it’s me. Papa Emeritus o…or Copia, your number was written on a piece of paper in my mini me jacket

You: oh shit- hi

Your eyes widened as you took a deep breath. He was actually messaging you! But why? Was it just to say thank you? Was he gonna tell you some big secret or- your thought were interrupted by a ping from your mother

Ma: So you went to see that satanic band?

You: Si mama i did and I enjoyed it

You scoffed at your mothers behavior before a message from Copia came through, inviting you to the ministry. You thought it strange at this time of night? And a ministry. All those things about the Ghost lore couldn’t be true could they? You dressed in your ripped jeans and Ghost shirt before messaging him back

You: depends will you pick me up from mine?

Copia: of course I will Amore! May I have your address?

You told him, hearing your mother scream from the next room over to your father. You decided you’d never come back so you began packing. You left all the religious things and only packed the stuff you needed to take. Money, all the ghost stuff you’d bought with your money and hygiene products. You left without saying a word making sure you had your phone and laptop along with the chargers. You stood outside and when copias car pulled up his attire was so different. He was actually wearing priest robes-

Copia POV COS I C A N

As I stepped out of the car I smiled at her slightly confused about the two bags she carried with her, before I could ask anything I saw her confused look.

“Ah scusami! I didn’t have time to change you see, I’ll explain everything once we are back at the ministry”

I just watched her nod before helping her with her bags. We both got into the car and set off, it was awfully quiet and very…awkward.

“So Mia signora what’s with the bags?”

I glanced over and rose a brow when she flinched. Surely she was mistreated? When she didn’t respond I left it as is and kept quiet. At the ministry I parked up and carried her bags in for her, ignoring her protests.

“Please Signora let me help you, it seems you have been through enough.”

I took her to a spare room near mine and set her bags down. I looked at her as she stood in the doorway fidgeting

“What’s wrong Signora? Was home life that bad?”

That’s all it took for her to break down. I rushed to her side and rubbed her back. I don’t think I’ve ever felt so bad for someone before. Well except my brothers.

“I…I’m sorry”

Her voice sounded so broken and I just hugged her, rubbing her back and reassuring her that everything was ok. I could sense that she was confused about her situation but rest was needed first.

“Rest Mia cara, everything will be explained tomorrow, si?”

She nodded and allowed me to lay her down on the bed. I covered her and caressed her face. I swore that day I’d keep her safe.

[hyunjinspark]

i read the new chapter n jade..... my heart burned so badly, everything seems to be crumbling down all over n to think this has been yns long wished for dream that turned out a nightmare.. i have a few annotates to make!! ill out them below, its my first time so i rlly hope its not messy >.<

“Of course not” Hyunjin rolled his eyes, continuing to add details to his little map, right now he was adding the 7/11 between your house and Aera’s.

hyun thinking of yn neighborhood so fondly n cherishing the scenery sm let alone remember it to add to his painting was so heart wrenching in a good way.. it made me smile

“Unfortunately, I don’t think that’s going to be possible Jinnie. And…you’re probably gonna have to get the flowers tomorrow” Chan suddenly said, filling up the blender with ingredients.

i knew exactly where this was going n for some reason it made me rlly sulky.... hyuns hectic life ;—;

“No, but my girlfr-“ Hyunjin stopped in his sentence, clearing his throat, and he could feel Chan’s gaze burn curiously into him, “Um…one of my friends is. He’s her favourite artist in the world”

i was blushing so hard here, i got so flustered, i hope yn finds out abt this, the subconsciously calling her his girlfriend, its so!!!!!!! god!!!!!!

He saw your eyes widen, and a deep emotion overwhelmed you. He didn’t see you react more, and he wondered what this meant to you, what he meant to you right now, even so far away. You didn't say anything back. You must be holding it all in, just like him. Maybe you didn’t know how to put your thoughts into words. He couldn't blame you. Even after reading all the poems in the world, Hyunjin didn’t have the words either. Not enough anyway.

i loved seeing more of hyuns heart during such conversations!!!!! we havent gotten much of it so i cherish it all dearly n feeling hyuns sincerity towards yn from such insights, he better tell her sooner or later, poor yns heart deserves to know ;—; especially after the mess going on for a while now

I want you here with me at this party. Fuck, it’s so dull without you. If you were here, we could just sneak off and…I would kiss you. Positively. My manager is here, the scary one, but he doesn’t have to know. Earlier, I was reading a book and there was an English word in it that reminded me of you. Saudade. I looked it up because I was so curious and it said it’s a state of melancholy for a beloved someone or something. I think that explains this ridiculous feeling I have when I think of you. I have it even when I’m not thinking of you. Like last week, when we were recording this one song. It’s like you’re here with me in everything. I guess what I’m saying is, I just want to kiss you really really badly and fuck I’m really drunk so I’m sorry for how this may sound but I just really need to feel you—

this was one of the hottest things ive read through slwy..... the words rnt coming out, but, the desperation n need in his words here melt me.. i am yet again nothing but a woman it seems, this was genuinely so hot. i cant say it enough. i kind of wish he wasnt cut off at the end.....

Suddenly the expensive bracelets he was wearing felt like shackles around Hyunjin’s wrists. 

When he got home that night, he realised the hydrangeas in his room had withered away completely.

the poetry/metaphors in these lines were beautiful jade :(

At your question, Hyunjin’s grip on the wheel tightened. His shoulders tensed up.

You'd struck a nerve.

Good.

yn getting some revenge this way was so satisfying to read. yes u struck a nerve n yes its good that u did!!!

hey. i was just talking with minho and man, i miss you

I know you’ve likely forgotten all about me but call me later please…I think ill die here without you

yongbok is so sweet, i do miss him n i didnt realize how much i did until reading his texts here

“She’s a really good artist” Hyunjin suddenly interrupted you.

proud boyfriend behavior. i dont know if u understand but this was so proud boyfriend!

He’d gotten so much better in your absence. You’d only gotten worse in his.

this just hurt. bc yes. :( hyun come back :(

“No, I’m not done talking. After losing you, moving to the city was the hardest thing I ever did. Leaving Daejon behind, all my friends…the only life I knew, and this place where I don’t really fit perfectly, but I’m trying so hard to. It is so hard. The only thing I love…I can’t even love that anymore because I can’t fucking stop thinking about you when I’m painting! It’s not fair. You had a choice, Hyunjin. I didn’t” Your voice broke.

hearing it all pour out of her is so heartbreaking bc it feels like theres so much more she wants to say but cant bc of how overwhelming it is, my chest felt heavy hearing her like this :(

“I…couldn’t leave you at the party. It’s not safe…of course I had to drive you home. I would go insane if something happened to you”

something happened to her when u disappeared, dummy..... u should go insane over that instead bc yn did. so did i. hyun come back!!!!! ;—;

Raindrops slowly trickled down, tracing the ruined paper in your palm. The only memory left of you and Hyunjin was now gone.

heart ripped off my chest. im v sentimental even w materials so this.... it rlly hurt.

“Fine” You heard it being passed around and then his voice came in, “Love. I’m here”

i had these copy pasted in my notes but i just got to send u this ask so im unsure if this was bbok or lino... im thinking bbok, hes so comforting amongst the chaos he seems to be the constant yn needs

Draped in a beige trench coat, cheeks red from the cold, Hyunjin stood at the bottom of your staircase.

nothing n i repeat NOTHING couldve prepared me for this. i did not expect it at all, everything was so fast i was ready to take in a deep calming breath n read along w yns quick decision to go back but now theres....... hyun. hyun is here n i cant wait to know the reason, what hell say or do, how yn feels n how it plays out.. im so nervous n once again looking forward to the next chapter >.<

u once again worded everything so beautifully n im sorry its getting repetitive by now but i love ur writing n the depth to it. i hold it dear to me, this story. thanku so much for writing it w so much love, jade<3

-🤍

idk how i missed answering this !! this is so sweet, i cherished reading every line and i absolutely LOVE when you annotate, it makes me feel appreciated and fuzzy and warm inside. thank you for pointing out your favorite parts 🥺

im glad you thought hyun’s text was hot, the desperation is really there haha. and thank you for appreciating all the little flower metaphors i sprinkled in there ! i loved reading this. thank you for loving this story so much, you make me happy.

[tuzesdays]

17. Talk to me about the minutiae of your current WIP. Tell me about the lore, the history, the detail, the things that won’t make it in the text.

(This can also be in dms :3)

its 3am and someone just set off two fireworks directly outside my home so hi andy good morning lets talk dayshift

so i use grammarly and basic spelling correct to edit, right? what yall dont see, that i do, is before every chapter i plug everything into the text box and let grammarly go at it - usually this ends up with.... id say the average number of corrections it suggests is around 70. and every time, i go thru the whole thing checking every correction because man, grammarly does NOT know how real people talk. theres a certain cadence to verbal speech yknow? something i try to emulate in my regular texting style, but in a properly formatted story its different (not harder or easier, different) because while you cant capitalize random words for Emphasis, you CAN do a whole bunch of other stuff: dashes, sentence breaks, i especially like to split a chunk of dialogue in half with a described action. maybe not every misspelling is intentional, but all the words are.

and some of the stuff i thought about is NEVER - or at least UNLIKELY to be - coming up in the story!! for instance, i dont do things like flashbacks. what you see of the characters background and experiences either comes from what they say or what their actions imply. sunbite gives the benefit of internal dialogue and memory, but its a yn fic so even thats spotty sometimes.

people who just read the fic would Never Know that sunbites blood relation father only ever saw them once. and i also dont include things that wouldnt be apparent to the characters- it has no effect on them, how would they ever know? how would sunbite ever know that they have a little sibling, possibly more than one? how would you ever know that obi's "heirlooms" from his grandmother included another ring passed down maternally for the last five generations with a decent sized sapphire on it? would you know that sunbite loves dogs because their first imaginary friend was one, and they named him Lucky? this stuff has no effect of them now, practically forgotten about. but its there cause i say it is.

storytelling is fucking Wild, dude. of course i took some inspiration from bamsara and naffeclipse (god damn at this point what dca writer hasnt a little bit) but also im pretty proud of my 'do no harm, take no shit' yn. it was always gonna be them, theyre the only person for the job in my mind. the way ive structured things and the way things are going to go, only people with that attitude - and that unkillable amount of hope and love - would be able to make it all the way through. maybe thats not the easiest character to project onto, but hey, its more a personal thing. dayshift go figure is, among other things, a power fantasy.

anyway, took the oppurtunity to ramble, its 3am. tldr; i put a lot of thought into word usage and character history, and most of those thoughts arent important to anyone but me.

[quodekash]

FINALLY IM WATCHING THE ABAAB EPISODE 

i was so busy the last couple of days and the only moments i wasnt busy i was exhausted and fell asleep unwillingly (either that or i was having a mental breakdown but thats neither here nor there) 

ANYWAY IM HERE NOW, FOUR DAYS LATE BUT IM HERE 

note from the future: i mention how pretty everyone is a LOT in this episode. so take a shot of water every time i mention someone (or perhaps their hair) being pretty. stay hydrated, kids. 

now the question is. what the hell happened last episode because i have, once again, forgotten everything 

there was the thing that happened with thoop’s sister that i dont rly want to put in words because it disgusts me 

thoop apologised for what he said to/about guncher 

umm.... guncher had a sexy sexy scene at the end 

jack is still pretty and his hair is still pretty 

OH AND THREEZO KISSED, I REMEMBER THAT 

okay im all caught up, let’s get to it 

bro what the hell 

“i just love you” awwww 

“you love me every time you do me” noW HOL’ UP A SEC 

“come on cher, have sympathy for me” “Why would i do that?” “because im cute and adorable” he’s got me there. he is, in fact, very cute and adorable 

and pretty 

theyre all pretty 

why is everyone pretty 

guys im pan i cant deal with this rn 

AWWWW THE CHEEK KISSSSSS 

guys im a sucker for affectionate cheek kisses. i think akkayan broke me bc that cheek kiss in episode 10? jeez i am not okay. i think about that scene more than i am willing to admit. 

actually no, im willing to admit it 

i love akayan so much 

anyway, we’re not akkayaning rn, we’re abaabing 

NOOOO IT’S CHER’S LAST DAY AT WORKKKKK im almost certainly gonna cry 

weLL NOW ALL I CAN THINK ABOUT IS SOUNDWIN 

EVERY TIME I TRY TO FOCUS ON WHAT’S HAPPENING ON THE SCREEN MY BRAIN IS LIKE ‘ooo look at the brainrot hyperfixation people’ and im like BRO CONCENTRATE ON T H I S BRAINROT and my brain is like ‘nahhhhhhh we can focus on it laterrrrr, like when youre trying to do something important but realise you havent watched the episode yet and its been days, how about then!’ 

anyway 

i keep getting sidetracked 

sorry 

the adhd meds wore off hours ago and ive had two cups of hot chocolate today (one which i just had) so the brain thoughts are more everywhere than usual 

anyway 

anD NOW IM THINKING ABOUT YAK FROM MSP 

WILL I EVER GET A MOMENT OF PEACE 

JUST LET ME WATCH THE FREAKING EPISODE 

WHY ARE YOU LIKE THIS BRAIN 

i got distracted for an hour and a half. whoops. (raise your hand if youre surprised? that’s right, no one raised their hands. anyway lets get back into this.) 

“can i join you” BRO IS SO HORNY RN, JEEZ 

GUYS WE FINALLY MADE IT TO THE INTRO, IT ONLY TOOK LIKE TWO HOURS 

okay so i just started crying 

i havent seen his hair on my screen in literally 11 days 

this is a really emotional moment for me 

i love his hair so much 

jack your hair is perfection 

someone needs to tell mike chinnarat that his hair is perfection 

i love him so much 

help 

hes also so pretty 

look at his prettiness 

hes so pretty 

anyway 

i love how he’s walking in on them gossiping about his best friend, he’s gonna talk them down 

(but also i can totally see him squealing and giggling and getting his nails done with them and gossiping a bunch about chergun (just not the mean kind of gossip)) 

HE’S SO PRETTY IM LITERALLY SOBBING 

HE’S SO PRETTY AND HES SO AMAZING AND I LOVE HIM SO MUCH 

AND HIS HAIR

hes so freaking perfect. holy hell. 

i love him 

i cannot express in words how much i love him 

HES SO ICONIC 

HES SO FREAKING ICONIC 

HIS HAIR AMPLIFIES HIS PERSUASIVENESS 

HE IS AMAZING 

HOLY FREAKING HELL 

“is anyone troubled much by our gossip?” FREAKING YES??? 

HIS SARCASM 

HIS SASS 

HIS PASSIVE AGGRESSION 

IDK IF ANY OF THOSE WERE THE RIGHT WORDS BUT ANYWAY 

I LOVE HIM 

i want to stare at him forever please 

PLEEEAAASEEE HE’S SO ICONIC 

how is he so pretty 

how is this man so pretty 

i love him 

hes so pretty 

hes so freaking pretty 

okay back to guncher 

i love them 

theyre so sweet 

JACK TIME AGAIN 

LOOK AT HIS HAIR 

ITS PERFECTION 

ILYSM JACK 

jack and aoi are amazing i love them 

they point the guncher moments out to each other 

also HIM CALLING HER SIS??? IM CRYING I LOVE THEM BOTH SO MUCH 

“i mean the behavior report and the feedback field. i wrote a lot.” I LOVE HER SO MUCH SHES SO ICONIC PLEASE LET ME BE YOUR FRIEND AOI 

^D^ HE SMILEEEE 

“you kept the promise to him so well. you also promised me you wouldnt tell the boss that day. such a double standard” hes so dramatic i love him so much 

shes so pretty 

and hes also so pretty 

why is everyone pretty 

is that allowed 

are they allowed to be that pretty 

i love them all so much 

im too pan for this freaking show 

i love you ink 

COFFEE TIMEEEEE 

OH YEAH THEYRE GOING TO GO BUY COFFEE I FORGOT ABOUT THAT 

hes so confused and so pretty and so happy and so in love and i cant deal with this 

HEY 

NO 

BAD 

*sprays him with water* BAD 

GO WITH YOUR BOYFRIEND TO BUY COFFEE 

please 

“and why wont you be around?” lmao he desperately wants to hire him 

“yes boss” UM- 

k-kinky? 

“or should i call you babe” thATS THE NAME OF THE SHOW! 

i know nothing about this man but i think everyone loves him 

his name is yacht?? i think thats it 

anyway i know nothing about him but i agree. i love him. 

hes very pretty. 

and his hair is a pretty shade of blue 

WHY IS EVERYONE IN THIS SHOW PRETTY 

AND LIKE A SPECIFIC TYPE OF PRETTY THAT MAKES ME SPECIFICALLY WEAK 

WHOEVER CASTED THIS FREAKING SHOW WAS OUT TO GET ME AND ME SPECIFICALLY 

PRETTY 

i may need to make a second post of commentary for this episode if i cant get myself under control 

im screenshotting too many pretty people because there are too many pretty people 

at this rate i will certainly go over the 30 image limit 

to me. please. just chill and appreciate and screenshot WITHOUT needing to put them on this tumblr post. you can do it. itll be hard but i believe in you. sincerely, me. (buTISHOULDTELLYOUTHATITHINKOFYOUEACHNIGHT. IRUBMYNIPPL- sorry) 

“see? ordering coffee is a piece of cake” well now i want cake 

WHY DOES CHER HAVE TO GO 

IM GONNA CRY 

I HATE GOODBYES 

OH HEY THAT RHYMED 

i wanna see thyme 

yes mentioning thyme was just an excuse to rhyme again, but i rly do miss seeing drake laedeke’s face. and also eyebrows. i love his eyebrows so much. 

PLEASE HES SO FREAKING PRETTY JACK IS SO PRETTY AND HIS HAIR IS SO PRETTY 

THE HUG 

I AM EMOTIONAL 

MY EMOTIONS ARE BIG 

WHY 

gun appearing out of nowhere and jack’s nervous smile- omg 

GHREKDBG ITS SO FUNNY WHY IS THIS SO FUNNY 

i have never seen less food on a fork before 

THE LOOKS THAT JACK AND AOI SHARE- OMG 

EVERYONES REACTIONS TO “both” PLEASEEE 

i know im tryna dial it down on the screenshots a little bit but his hair was at a great angle in this shot and i just had to share this 

you can see all the curls 

all the sections of his hair 

the messy curly perfection 

the fluffy poofy wonderfulness 

GUN SMILES SO MUCH NOW, HE’S SO SMILEY 

“i will not get to visit for a while” WHAT THE HELL DOES THAT MEAN 

everyone’s little “aoeeeee” when cher fed gun- i love this group so much 

CELEBRATING THE END OF THE INTERNSHIP WITH BBQ PORK WITH THE SQUAD, HELL YES, THAT MEANS THREEZO, IMMA TRY TO NOT COMMENTATE UNTIL THAT PART BC I WANT THREEZO ON MY SCREEN AS SOON AS POSSIBLE, I MISSED THEM DEEPLY 

“can i take a quick nap” bro its your last day 

cher why do you keep looking sad 

what are you not telling us 

and can you please tell us 

please 

and thank you 

HELL YES OKAY ITS ALREADY BBQ PORK TIME WITH THE SQUAD 

AND THEYRE ALL SO PRETTY 

I LVOE JACK’S FACE IN THIS ONE FRAME 

I WONT PUT THE SCREENSHOT HERE THO BC I DONT WANNA WASTE MY LIMITED PHOTO SPACE 

BUT I LOVE IT SO MUCH 

THREEZO 

“we didnt think he was gonna make it!” honestly, fair 

I LOVE SEEING HOW SMILEY JACK IS NOW 

it really brings out his hair 

(im kidding) 

HE MAKES ME HAPPY WHEN HE IS HAPPY 

seriously how is he so pretty 

jack how are you pretty 

and why are you pretty 

hes pretty while drinking a cup of water 

what the hell 

FHBFHBFHBFHFBHFBFHBFHBF I AM SUPRESSING THE SOUNDS OF DYING BECAUSE ITS 10:30 AND MY FAMILY ARE GOING TO SLEEP NOW BUT GOSH DARNNIT THREEZO ARE TOO CUTE 

“im drunk” “but you just had plain water” “im drunk in LOVE” GIUJEBRDNGOIREHNDL 

man has never seen a vegetable in his entire life 

THE WAY ZO SMILES AT THREE 

IM DYING, SOBBING, CRYING 

THEY’RE THE WORST 

I LOVE THEM 

“boss, if you’re shaped by our society, you’ll be great. no worries. you will do so great.” i wholeheartedly agree, their group is perfection 

I WANT TO IMPLANT THIS SCENE ON MY SKULL 

literally all i can think about rn is jack’s hair 

I LOVE CHERJACK’S FRIENDSHIP SO FREAKING MUCH 

MY BOYS 

GHRKDBGRHKDBG 

chergun are so pretty 

theyre both so pretty 

i love them 

theyre so pretty 

no i will not stop mentioning how pretty people are 

AWWW THE LITELL KISE 

“your latest kiss and every kiss from now until forever. im the only one allowed to kiss you.” GUERJDHJOB 

i love all the litell kisez 

look, i know all the translations say the same thing. but somehow it just feels like the the italian translations of it are always so much more beautiful and poetic than the english translations. 

im gonna go on a bit of a languages rant for a sec so if you dont care, ill end it by saying COCKADOODLEDOO in all caps like that so look for that and read from there 

anyway 

in english it’s “you’re my happiness, cher”, which, yeah, that’s super sweet 

but then the italian translation is “tu per me sei la felicità, cher” which means ‘you for me are the happiness, cher’ 

and then he says “the happiness that ive never had before” which is just all the feels at once 

but then it’s “quella felicità che non avevo mai raggiunto prima” 

which is ‘that happiness that i never had reached before’ WHICH IS JUST- 

its the way its worded 

i cant explain it 

its just better 

and then cher says “remember this.... if im your happiness, boss, it will never be gone” 

OR IN ANOTHER COUNTRY, HE SAYS “tieni a mente questo... se io per sono la felicità, capo, niente potrà portatela via” 

in other words, ‘hold in mind this... if i for i am the happiness, boss, nothing will be able to take it away’ 

DO YOU SEE WHAT I MEAN NOW??? 

"i will be your happiness forever” BORINGGG 

“io sarò per sempre la tua felicità” AWESOME 

‘i will be for always your happiness’ DUDE 

(also obviously these are all very literal translations, i havent bothered to switch around the order of words to fit the english language because you know what the english option is, i need you to understand just how poetic it is in italian) 

i freaking love it so much 

anyway COCKADOODLEDOO 

NOOOOOO WHY DO YOU HAVE TO DO THATTTT 

guys i think the bed is still on an angle 

theyre not listening to me 

its a safety hazard 

seriously 

fix the freaking mattress ITS NOT THAT HARD JUST SCOOT IT OVER A LITTLE BIT 

gun wakes up to cher gone and his intern badge thingy on the pillow 

i sure hope cher sent him a text or something 

cos otherwise hes gonna be real worried 

ive seen how this plays out in too many bls 

before you know it, gun’s gonna call his closest friends and eventually cher will show up, only to reveal that he put their friend’s nephew in a children’s home on the other side of the country, and they all freak out and it turns out cher was messing with them 

hypothetically of course 

just a situation i randomly pulled out of my head 

PHEW OKAY he left him a note 

gosh freaking darnnit its 11:15pm already (how did that happen), i started at 8pm (how did THAT happen), and im literally only halfway through the episode (HOW DID THAT HAPPEN), and im way too exhausted to continue. ill have to finish it tomorrow. 

BYE BYE FOLKS, I LOVE YOU, HAVE A WONDERFUL EVENING/DAY/WHATEVER, ILL SEE YOU TOMORROW FOR MORE REALLY BAD COMMENTARY WHERE I JUST SAY HOW PRETTY EVERYONE IS 

(btw i rly hope everyone managed to stay hydrated) 

[myusernameisstolen]

i know all two of u who give a shit about my writing have prbbly forgotten about me

but im trying this new thing called “Figuring Out How It Ends Before Posting It” and ive starting writing this homestuck thing set in a universe where the kids didnt skip ahead five thousand years and just settled down on Earth C straightaway. its chaos. its terrible. its my masterwork. I have been sucked into it for far longer than i ever have writing anything, putting down words like a fiend and madman. my first fic in the series is practically novel-length soon. 

anyway, check out the first chapter of Karkat Fucks Around And Finds Out With Ectobiology here: https://archiveofourown.org/works/45265618/chapters/113878261

plese, for the love of god. im beggin u. ive lost sleep over this. i need someone else to be in crazy land with me. i need help.

[mizuta]

god im tired (longer winded ramble under the cut about disability?)

the thing they dont tell you. about being the son of two disabled parents, two people who hate themselves more than they could hate you, a woman who swears up and down that her becoming disabled enough to need a wheelchair full time is the worst thing thats ever happened to her, thats Ruined her life.

the thing they dont tell you is their constant insistance that you can do better and are just lazy warps your fucking perspective to yourself until its unrecognizeable. they push themselves until theyre now falling apart at the seams with worse and worse damages that couldve maybe been avoided somewhat and refuse to allow you to be 'weak' and 'need help'.

they dont tell you that when youre navigating constant persistant wrist pain at 22, when your cognitive functions have always been bad but not bad enough, that youre never gonna feel like you deserve help or accommodations. that you cant do math or numbers and thats a larger symptom of something, of when words blur together and you read chunks of writing as nonsensical regularly, when you hear one thing but someone said something completely different and you have to just bashfully laugh it off.

when your language function breaks down and youre speaking in fragmented sentences. no proper grammar. the words are hard and dont make sense and youre just desperately screaming in your own wy trying to be heard. you get told that one might be a symptom of your psychosis but fuck nobody ever told you that wasnt normal to begin with other than making fun of you when your guards down.

when you can barely tell time between two days from each other and your disassociative disorder makes you all lose so many gaps in time, and youre not mad at each other for that, but you just kind of wonder because between that and how much time doesnt exist to you all and how much you forget from adhd to the point that entire days are forgotten after youve lived them, when youre so exhausted and your head feels like fog 80% of the time, when your mood tracker never puts you above a 5 on the mental health scale on your best days.

when you know damn fucking well youre not abled enough, but nobody tells you that youll constantly be told youre not disabled enough, either. not abled or disabled. some fucking other thing, something thats useless, something thats just fucking pointless.

its like, i know im mentally ill. severe clinical depression. adhd. probably cptsd that im still coming to terms with. likely ocd. possibly autistic as well its hard to tell. psychosis. but im also in pain pretty regularly, but its 'only' wrist pain, so does it matter? i cant think straight most days of the week and its a genuine struggle full of spoons to keep my speech coherent and just tonight alone i keep hallucinating my bathroom lights on and getting up and discovering when i come to turn them off theyre already off.

ive been sick for a week and a half and i could barely manage to get out of bed and shower twice. or get a sports drink so i didnt just... faint. i need constant access to electrolyte water/sports drinks or my near-constant dizziness and lightheadedness and sometimes physical pain gets way worse, rather than 'manageable and liveable'. i feel like im going fucking insane.

all signs point to me having asthma. my parents literally think im insane at the idea. i have so much breathing trouble and this last week i couldnt breathe for multiple 10 minute chunks because i went to work sick because i need the money.

christ almighty. not abled. not disabled enough. cant quantify my cognitive problems because itll never be 'enough'. god.

im so fucking tired, dude. i just want to sleep for a really, really long time