#someone end my yearning misery please

[kenobion]

Andrew Garfield for Audible UK

[eddiessluttywaist]

as if (part 4 based on angst ending)

AGELESS/BLANK/UNDER 18 BLOGS ARE NOT WELCOME TO INTERACT. PLEASE RESPECT MY RULES AND BOUNDARIES

summary: continuation of the angst ending of as if, moves away from how eddie has been acting just so you know 👀

pairing: ex-bully!mean!perv!soft!eddie munson x fem reader

word count: 10,964 words

content/warnings: swearing, mentions of smutty content MDNI (y/n is 18/19), bully!eddie, mean!eddie, perv!eddie, brief threats and violence, rejection, angsttt, depression, very brief mention of unhealthy eating habits, heartbreak, yearning, anxiety, arguing, crying, near death experience, regret, isolation and loneliness. i think that’s all pls tell me if i miss anything!

a/n: i’m sorry this took me so long skbvdjkk enjoy the suffering. credit to whoever owns/posted that picture ^ it’s not mine :)

part one - part two - start of part three - angst ending to part three

*

Eddie Munson is an asshole.

He’s a cruel heartbreaker, that’s for sure. He’s selfish. He’s mean. He’s smug. He’s ruined love for you.

As much as that sentiment reeked of teenage melodrama, it’s still true. He’s ruined mean guys for you cause you know what to expect from them, and he’s ruined sweet guys for you cause you know better than to know what to expect. Eddie is someone who finds a way to be so sweet and charming for that subtle kind of control, just to turn out to be an asshole through and through. Every nicety and moment of tenderness was only to keep you on the hook for a good fuck; and if things hadn’t spiraled into an apocalyptic shitshow, he would’ve been the one and only reason for your aching misery.

He’s a lot of things. You could go through a list of adjectives that would make your mother gasp and cross herself.

He’s a life ruiner in so many ways—but he isn’t a killer.

Despite how he treated you, you liked to think you still had a good sense of his heart—even if he refused to give it to you the way you would’ve so readily given him yours. He’s smug and rotten, but murder is not something he’s capable of. Some violence? Probably. Maybe. Given the right circumstances. But he wouldn’t kill someone. So you were one of the few who weren’t surprised when news came out that he wasn’t to blame for everything that happened. Sure, there were still plenty of kooks who remained certain that he used his “ties with Satan” to open up a portal to Hell, but as more and more came out about that lab near the quarry—the rarer those types became.

By now nearly everyone’s forgotten about him, or at least that’s how it felt to you. No one talked about him—they didn’t even seem to think about him—but not you. Despite everything, his memory seemed to live on in your head. On repeat some days.

Just to clarify: he didn’t die. His memory didn’t need to be kept alive because he wasn’t—he was pretty damn close when he was found (at least from what you’ve heard), but he wasn’t dead. However, that didn’t change the fact that the people of Hawkins liked to act like he was. He was nowhere to be found for starters, and everyone left in town seemed to appreciate things that way so they didn’t have to address him.

The turnaround was baffling to you. How his name never even came up, and when it did people grew uncomfortable and tried to turn the conversation elsewhere. Even you—someone who decidedly hated his guts months before the day Chrissy Cunningham was found dead—thought he deserved something better than becoming a banned topic after what this town put him through.

You could remember the day he appeared on the news like it was yesterday.

You had been curled up on one corner of the couch of the living room, your mother on the other end, and your father in his La-Z-Boy. It was pitch black in the room with the only light source being the colorful and fuzzy glow of the television. It was unfortunately your mom’s night to watch her program so of course you and your dad were already half asleep by the time her show was suddenly interrupted.

“What the-!” your mom had gasped. “I wanna know what happens! Oh those darn news… people…”

She had trailed off as the reality of the emergency newscast sunk in, no longer reaching for the remote but settling back into her spot instead.

You didn’t really know Chrissy. She was popular and well-loved, and had hundreds of friends. You definitely weren’t one of them, though. Whether it was secretly too beneath her deep down in her innocent demeanor, or if you simply weren’t interested in gravitating around her enough for her to truly take notice of you. She was a sweet girl though. She was a senior like you and the few times you two interacted, she was nothing but kind. And even if she hadn’t been, she still wouldn’t have deserved what happened to her.

You remember your mother nervously toying that necklace she always wore as she watched the news with big eyes. The way your dad sat up more and gave the screen his full attention. The tension and anxiety that made the air in the living room feel heavy; and when you thought your throat couldn’t get any drier and your heart couldn’t race any faster—Eddie’s picture was plastered on the television.

You remember the way your hearing seemed to turn into a faint buzz as the newscaster spoke of the victim’s body being found in his trailer.

“I always knew that boy was trouble.” your dad grumbled out, and you had to fight the urge to huff out a laugh and tell him he had no idea.

Neither of them knew what happened between you two or that there was even a “you two” to begin with. And you certainly wouldn’t have said anything that night because then they’d know in the worst way possible. Admitting it back then at the start of Spring Break would’ve been admitting how deeply you had fallen for someone who was possibly wanted for murder.

Even if it was never explicitly stated that Eddie Munson had shattered your heart (when you were completely falling apart just a couple months before your hometown did the same) your mom had been quick to notice something was wrong. Motherly instincts or something like that—or, y’know, just the fact that you were visibly a mess.

Even at that start of it all you didn’t want to talk about that one particularly miserable day. You would wait until it was late at night to cry into your pillow. You had briefly lost some weight since the whole situation had left you with a solid knot in your stomach, leaving you horribly nauseous and deadening your appetite. The fact that you were constantly lying about being sick to avoid school was what truly confirmed your mom’s concerns.

Sure, you could’ve had a stomach bug. Maybe that’s why you had been picking at your food at dinner. Maybe that’s why you looked so pale and tired all the time. But then throughout the school week you would keep saying you were sick, and with the state you were in she didn’t have the heart to tell you your temperature was perfectly normal. Besides, you never skipped so she wasn’t all that suspicious at first so she let you stay home. You kept lying, though, and she finally felt she had to ask if something was going on at school.

You remember that time when boy problems still mattered so vividly. When Eddie Munson was still a mentionable name, even if you didn’t act like it. When your mom was checking in on you because of him and because her main concern was still little nuances in your behavior.

“Is something going on at school?” your mom had murmured softly as she sat on the edge of your bed.

It was nighttime and the only light in your room was the faint and warm glow of your bedside table, giving a false sense of comfort to the room that was filled with memories of him. Some spots of your room still smelled like him—especially by the window where he would sneak in, and sit on to smoke. It felt like cold spots in a haunted house to you.

“Is someone not treating you right?”

“No, mom, really. I just don’t feel well.” you murmured, and she can’t help but notice how dry your lips look. That little scab where you had been anxiously biting and picking at the skin there—a bad habit that only ever flared up when you were distraught, even as a child. You certainly looked ill, but her instincts were pointing elsewhere. She insisted you drink some of the water on your bedside table before she continued.

“Well…” she had sighed, smoothing out the blanket resting over you. “Is… is it a boy?”

You remember feeling your heart temporarily stop before lodging itself in your throat. You tried to ignore that burning feeling as you avoided breaking down and confirming her worries. But fighting it off didn’t mean that lump wasn’t in your throat. It didn’t mean your face didn’t get all warm as tears began to prick at your eyes. You were oddly silent as you kept your gaze down and shook your head. You were sure you could’ve held those tears in too, but then she got you to crack with a couple simple words.

“Oh honey…” She murmured and pulled you into her for a hug.

You didn’t want to tell anyone. It was embarrassing. It wasn’t even embarrassing—it was humiliating, mortifying. So you weren’t expecting how relieving it was to sob and finally let someone know, even if you didn’t go into detail.

“I thought he really cared about me d-deep down-“ you had wailed as your mom shushed you in a caring manner and rubbed your back.

You still appreciate the fact that she didn’t push. She didn’t urge you to tell her everything, she just let you cry until you were spent and she left to soak a face towel in cool water so she could press it to your flushed cheeks. She held you and murmured reassuringly, especially when you spoke up again—your voice horribly broken.

“I-It’s not fair because he’s perfectly fine and I… I’m…” you choked up after your tone got high with emotion before crumbling again.

“I know, honey, I know… it’s never fair…” she whispered. “But you’re gonna be okay. It feels like the end of the world now, but before you know it it’ll be a little bit better, okay?”

She had pulled back to look at you and wiped the tears off of your cheeks. “And then it’ll be better after that, and even more after that. You’re going to keep healing, I promise.”

In hindsight she wasn’t wrong, but there had still been so many days where you wished Eddie Munson would turn up dead for what he did to you. And now you felt horribly guilty for those thoughts after he had been so close. Even though you still despise him deep down, you hate yourself a little bit too. For letting him in, in the first place. For falling in love and for admitting it. For falling apart because he didn’t feel the same. For wishing he would drop dead.

And there was another thing that burned away at you. Right next to the fact that no one mentioned Eddie, was the frustrating fact that Jason was still talked about and practically canonized. There were portraits of him and Chrissy in local churches and in Hawkins High and sure maybe he didn’t deserve to die, but why wasn’t anyone talking about how he put fire under that ridiculous manhunt? To urge everyone to find Eddie and do who knows what to him?

Steadily approaching a year since Hawkins broke open, you’re scowling as you walk past that portrait of him in school. Having to repeat your senior year after the disaster threw everyone’s educational progress off the rails, you had to deal with that picture a lot. You turn your gaze elsewhere as you head to your last class of the day, and even that little glimpse of his image sparks up memories of his crazed state.

*

Jason had an inexhaustible vengeance, and refused to let anything—or anyone—get in his way. He had to find Eddie. He had to make him pay.

You didn’t know it at the time, but he had been hunting down Eddie’s closest friends and band mates to get information out of them. That’s how he found you.

“Where is he?” Jason shouted in Gareth’s face as he gripped him by the lapels of his cut up flannel.

“I don’t know!”

“Where is he!?”

“I don’t know!” Gareth insisted before Jason hit him again.

While a restrained Jeff shouted at him to leave his friend alone, Jason tossed him into his drums. A cymbal crashed while the set dispersed in different directions and Gareth was left lying on the floor of his garage.

“It’s gonna be hard to play those drums with a broken hand!” Jason rose his voice again, holding Gareth down by his back and crushed his hand between his sneaker and the concrete floor. There was an audible crunch as Gareth cried out in pain.

“Dustin!”

“What?”

“Dustin Henderson!”

“What?” Jason repeated, urging him to clarify.

“Dustin Henderson!” Gareth shouted again, face twisting in pain. “Man h-he was- he was calling around looking for Eddie! Maybe he found him! Maybe he found him!”

“See that wasn’t that hard, was it?” Jason taunted, but kept pressing his foot onto Gareth’s hand before finally stepping away.

“O-or y/n maybe, I don’t know.” Gareth cried out, cradling his hand that was pulsing with pain.

“Who?” Jason’s brow furrowed as he looked back at him.

Jeff spoke up for him, repeating your name in a panic.

“Y-yeah maybe. I don’t know, I haven’t seen her around him in a while, b-but I caught them fooling around in Eddie’s van once,” Jeff rambled on “And he was constantly messing with her. He… he might be with her. Or she might know.”

The more he thought about it, the more Jason remembered the occasional moment where he would see Eddie tossing things at you in class or pushing up against you in gym. Back in the car, Andy and Patrick chimed in with other things they witnessed. Eddie feeling you up. Eddie shoving you or knocking your books out of your hands. Eddie harassed you constantly. Maybe even being tutored by you (according to Andy). If you couldn’t join them through a mutual hatred for the metalhead, maybe you could at least be forced to give more information—especially if you had some fucked up relationship.

*

You were home alone despite your mother’s insistence to join her or your father at work. With two deaths and a possible killer still on the loose, she wasn’t wild about you being by yourself. You convinced her you could take care of yourself, especially with all the baseball bats and heavy golf clubs she kept around just in case.

Considering everything, you shouldn’t have opened the front door when someone rang, but you were so shocked to spot Jason Carver through your peephole to think about it. You weren’t impressed, even when he flashed you his best smile. You were just curious why he was here.

“Well, I’ll be quick. I’m sure you have better things to do.” he said with a soft laugh which you were sure he thought was charming. You just kept scowling.

“Yeah. I do,” you said bluntly and there was a flash of anger across his face for a moment before he filtered it through a weaker smile. “What do you want?”

“I just want to know if you have any idea where Eddie Munson is.”

You can’t help but scoff at this.

“No, and I really don’t care about where he could be.”

You’re about to close the door, but he was quick to speak up again and keep your attention.

“I heard you tutor him-“

“Not anymore. Too difficult.” You interrupted, and he faltered for a moment before continuing.

“I’m sure. I know how he treated you. It… it’s horrible really.” He spoke softly and you hesitated for a moment, hand still on the edge of your door.

But then you realized something.

If he knew, then where had he been? Why didn’t he do anything? Even if you didn’t want anyone to interfere—not really. Not to mention after he broke your heart and all ties were cut, Eddie surprisingly let up on the constant harassment. It wasn’t fun anymore. Soon enough he had been avoiding you in the halls as much as you had been avoiding him, but that didn’t mean everything before that never happened. If Jason really took notice of your interactions, where had he been?

“I could tell even then just from how he acted with you that he wasn’t a good person. He’s not a good person. He’s a killer, and he can’t be out here loose in Hawkins ready to claim another victim.”

You stare at him in silence. Your lack of response is clearly testing his patience and he’s parting his lips to speak up again, but you cut him off.

“Why now?”

“What?” Jason laughed this off casually.

“Why now are you suddenly so interested in how he used to treat me?”

“Oh, well I-”

“No,” you interrupted bluntly at your swift decision and with no room for fluff. No matter how much you hated Eddie. “I’m not here for your senseless propaganda. Thanks.”

You went to slam the door, but he kept it open. It touches on a memory of Eddie doing something similar once upon a time to get to you while you were all alone in your bedroom. The only difference is this isn’t Eddie, and Jason is really starting to scare you.

You glance over to see the concern on Lucas Sinclair’s face—you recognized him from the occasional interactions he had with Eddie and then from all the excitement of that recent basketball game he won for the high school team. He was behind Jason, a little off to the side and you spotted the car in the driveway with a few others inside. The fact that he had others with him didn’t exactly comfort you.

“I just want to know where that freak is, okay?” Jason clarified with a smile as if it covered the fact that he was clearly unstable. You could see it in his eyes.

“It’s dangerous with him out there. I’m just trying to help my community.”

“Whatever, Jason. Like I said: I’m not interested in any of this. I don’t talk to Eddie anymore. I don’t know where he fucked off to.”

“I know you’re screwing him. Just tell me where your creep boyfriend is.”

This sudden flash of anger and the contents of his accusation shocked you, but you didn’t let it force your guard down.

“I’m not with him like that. Like I said: I don’t fucking talk to him. I don’t know where he is.”

Jason still wasn’t budging, and you’re suddenly grateful for your mom’s incessant worrying when he took a step forward. You grabbed the metal bat your parents kept by the door right as he’s parting his lips to continue speaking.

“Get off my doorstep. Get away from me. Or I’m using this, Carver, I swear to god.”

This made him hold his hands up in defense and start to back off again, especially as Lucas murmured a swift “C’mon, man, maybe we should just leave her alone.” A sad excuse for a kind smile curved up the corners of the blond’s mouth. It made you sick.

“Just trying to take care of my community. No need to get violent… I’m one of the good guys. If you’re sure you don’t know anything—I’ll leave you be.”

“Well I don’t. How many times do I have to say it?” You snap, gripping the handle of the bat a bit tighter.

He finally started to walk off with an okay okay, but then he turned to look at you one more time.

“Be smart about which side you’re choosing.”

At that, you slammed your front door and locked it. One of the good guys, you think with a scoff. Yeah, sure.

*

Currently on your walk home, your mind is still swirling with memories of last year. You understood the need to commemorate and show respect, but the constant reminders didn’t help to move on. You hated being here. You couldn’t wait to graduate and move as far away as possible. You wanted to forget about Hawkins. You wanted to forget about Eddie Munson. You wanted to forget how close the world had been to ending.

You happen to glance up as you walk towards your house when your steps become hesitant at the sight of someone sitting on your doorstep. It was no jock ready to berate you. It certainly wasn’t Eddie.

It was none other than Nancy Wheeler.

*

Eddie was miserable.

Actually, it was beyond just misery. He couldn’t even think of a word to describe everything he had been through and everything he was actively going through—whether that was because he always failed vocab tests due to lazy disinterest or because such a word just didn’t exist. The whole experience took a lot out of him—quite literal chunks out of his body, not just emotionally.

Besides those who had become closest to him, once everyone was focused on the next suspect no one bothered to check back in with him. No one apologized for literally hunting him down with plans of… god, he didn’t even want to think about what they would’ve done if they caught him.

After being resuscitated, he had to be holed up in some secure room of a nearby hospital while he recovered since Hawkins Memorial Hospital was too risky for him. As the days in the hospital went by painfully and with more and more news on Hawkins turning up on the small TV of his room, he wondered if karma was a real thing. He narrowly escaped death and an arrest for a murder he didn’t commit (really the only thing saving his ass coming from the insistence of his uncle and Chief Hopper when he randomly appeared back in Hawkins). It certainly made a guy think about what he’s done.

In fact, all the isolation gave him far too much time to think. Watching the news; constantly pressing the morphine button even though he knew it wouldn’t give him more; falling into pits of depression where sometimes he wished they never brought him back—those thoughts of karma came up. He would eventually brush them off as hippie garbage, but memories of you were sounding off like an alarm in his head. It wasn’t hippie garbage. The concept held some real truth to it, and he knew he deserved everything that happened after he had been so cruel to you because of some stupid, childish need for distance from any sort of vulnerability.

After realizing that, he couldn’t stop thinking about you. He was stuck in Hell on earth with aching wounds he wished would heal faster and memories of a girl he should’ve treated better. He regretted how things ended, and wondered what it would be like right now if he hadn’t ended things with such brutal carelessness. You’d probably be right by his side and making it easier to get through. And when he thought about how much better it would be to heal with you here, something ached deep inside him that even morphine couldn’t touch. He missed something he never let himself have, and certainly didn’t deserve by this point. He knew what kinds of things mattered now, and it didn’t even make a difference because as much as it changed things for him that didn’t mean it changed things for you.

Then one night, it dawned on him that you might not even be alive.

He was sweating from all the pain and the drugs and the heat of mid September of ‘86, when it occurred to him that you could be gone. Having already established a constant pattern of thoughts that revolved around you, it wasn’t surprising that he was up at 2 AM with you on his mind but that intrusion to his pleasant memories or self-loathing put him into a panic. You could be dead quickly turned into you are dead, and he couldn’t handle it. How could he deserve to live, but you didn’t? Maybe because you deserved mercy and he didn’t. Either way, he ignored his crying nerves and scrambled for the walky talky on his bedside table.

He tried just about every channel he was allowed to use, but no one was picking up. Maybe they were sleeping, but he knew he wasn’t the only one in the group suffering from insomnia after everything that happened. Still, he wasn’t granted the peace of a response and he had to lay there just hoping for a chance to make things better—and worry that he wouldn’t get to.

*

The group that helped him through that horrific Spring break came to visit him when they were able to. It was typically at random, with the occasional stop at his request for certain food or begging for a distraction before he went insane. Lucas was the first one to answer when he tried the radio again early that morning, and he soothed Eddie’s anxiety with the promise of stopping by.

With Max in the hospital and still no signs of coming back, Lucas had his own need for a distraction. He trudged into the dull room Eddie was stuck in, and settled into the chair kept by the bed.

“Is she alive?”

Lucas blinked, wondering if maybe he missed something in his own fog of exhaustion and despair. Really it was because Eddie blurted out in mid-thought without the courtesy of some background, but he still grew frustrated with him. His face bunched up as he briefly bared his teeth in that split second of muted rage. One of his hands made a fist before he unfurled it to rub at his face and shake his head.

“Y/n. Y/n, Sinclair—jesus christ—is she alive?”

Lucas parted his lips and then closed them again, tired eyes staring over at the metalhead as he tried to get his mind to cooperate. Eddie nearly cracked over the hesitation, taking it as a sign that Lucas was struggling to tell him that you were gone rather than trying to remember who you were and if he had seen you around.

“Yeah. Y-Yeah,” he finally murmured and a heavy sigh exhaled from Eddie’s lungs. “I’ve seen her around school. She’s alive.”

“Jesus chr—she’s okay?” Eddie was rubbing his palms over his face again, bangs partially sticking up when he pulled his hands away to gesture with energy he didn’t have to spend.

“Yeah, man, she’s okay. I think—I-I don’t really talk to her, but she isn’t injured.”

Eddie sat with that for a moment, relieved that you were alive and at least fine physically, but his eyes were still sad. Lucas joined him in this bubble of misery, the silence tugging him back to thoughts of Max until Eddie finally popped the bubble again.

“Did… did she join everyone? Y’know in the Great Hunt for the Freak?” he let out a partial laugh, but it was hollow.

“No, she didn’t buy it.” Lucas shrugged and leaned forward to rest his forearms on his thighs.

His eye stung for a moment, watered and then returned to normal. After that fight in the old Creel house, his eye was never truly the same. It healed enough that it wasn’t swollen and bruised, but it was still sensitive and it watered more often. Whenever it did, it made him think of that night and he felt as if he was being punched all over again. It made him think of Max. It made him think of Jason.

Although with the topic on you, remembering Jason made him laugh a little—a soft, amused chuckle breaking through his sorrow.

“Jason actually went to her house. I… I was still with him at that point,” Lucas flicked his gaze up at Eddie with guilt before looking back down. “He wanted to interrogate her about you. See if you were hiding with her or if she hated you enough to join him.”

Eddie swallowed, brows frowning as he waited for him to continue.

“She uh… she threatened him with a baseball bat.” Lucas laughed a bit more wholeheartedly this time.

Eddie’s head sunk back a bit in surprise, big doe eyes even wider and brows raised in disbelief. He said your first name to clarify and even though Lucas nodded, he said your full name with that same questioning tone.

“She threatened Jason Carver with a baseball bat?”

You were meek if nothing else, and as Eddie knew you—you were easy to break. Easy to bend and mold so he never considered the possibility that you were strong. That you could take care of yourself, and you weren’t as weak as you looked. But maybe it was fitting. You appeared delicate and fragile, but were tougher than you looked. Whereas he had that rough n tough, bad boy act just for it to fall apart when he found himself scrambling away from danger. He just hoped he wasn’t the reason you were surprisingly resilient—that maybe it was always there and he just never noticed.

“Yeah. He wouldn’t back off and she said she’d do it if he didn’t leave,” Lucas snickered a bit before his mood was sobered by the other side of this memory. “She uh… she was scared. He was scaring her, and I don’t blame her. He was scaring all of us…”

He was focused on his hands now, toying with them anxiously and he could hear the sigh of Eddie’s puffy hospital pillow as he settled back against it. He was letting it all sink in, and for a moment he wished he was the one to kill Carver instead of the cracking earth. You didn’t deserve the way he treated you, and you didn’t deserve Jason’s intimidation tactics just because you had been caught up with the likes of him.

He hated that you had been scared, he hated that it was his fault, and he hated how much worse he felt now that he knew that you stood up for him even after everything he put you through. Maybe not so much stood up for him, but you didn’t let yourself get dragged into the accusations and mob mentality even if you had every reason to.

This hurt worse somehow, and he was bound to a new bout of pain and suffering.

*

“I just miss her, I guess…” Eddie admitted to his uncle once the topic turned to you. He felt the urge to repent and voice how badly he wished you were with him right now, and his uncle was the only one he felt safe admitting all of this to.

“The girl that you were spending time with at home?” His uncle’s gruff voice wondered, and Eddie was taken aback by the question.

All he said was there was a girl he had a thing with, which he messed up royally, and he wished he could have another chance. Nothing else, so he looked like a fish out of water now and his uncle chuckled at his reaction.

“I may not be the smartest man around, but I’m not stupid,” he grumbled out, sat in the same chair Lucas had been. “I was aware of your uh… activities.”

Wayne scratched at his stubble, embarrassed to acknowledge just exactly what his adult nephew had been up to—just as mortified as Eddie was over having to discuss sex with his uncle.

“I found her panty things stuck to the inside of the dryer,” Wayne explained further. “And I ran into her one morning when I had just come home from the plant.”

You had been leaving Eddie’s room to use the bathroom early in the morning, not realizing he would be home from a shift. You hoped that with how tired he looked that he would think it was all a weird dream or maybe that he was seeing things. After all, you were back in that room in a flash. Fast enough to be a fleeting ghost, but he saw you and he clearly remembered you. Eddie was grumbling something to himself now about you being careless enough to get him caught, but Wayne was quick to shut this down. He wasn’t known to raise his voice, and he still really didn’t, but his tone was harsher now.

“No—don’t you go blaming that girl cause you insisted on keeping her a secret. Christ, boy—you know, I thought I taught you better.”

Of all the things he could say, this was the worst. I thought I taught you better. Eddie wished he could shrink down to nothing, and he looked down at his hands in shame.

“You should’ve treated her better. That’s on you.”

“Yeah…” Eddie laughed out bitterly “You have no idea…”

Eddie sighed now, hiding his face behind his palms.

“I’m so fucking stupid. I don’t know how I thought that kind of shit was important,” He rips his hands away to jerk them outwards in an exasperated gesture and looks over at this uncle. “It was fun a-and then it was too serious and I just— I— and now I don’t know why I was thinking like that.”

“Well,” his uncle started after a pause to think it over. “you may have been a grown man in the eyes of the law, but that doesn’t mean you were thinking like one. You’re still young. I…I’d like to think you would’ve learned these kinds of thing at a regular pace as you grew up, but—shit—between your parents and especially after all this-”

Wayne gestured out into the air with little energy to his casual motion.

“You’re forced into adulthood. That’s what shit like this does…”

“I don’t know what I’m gonna do,” Eddie finally admits in a rush after a moment of considering his uncles words. He was sure they had some truth to them, but he thought maybe his uncle was giving him too much credit. “I really cared for her— I still really care for her. I was just… I was being-“

“Stupid? Childish?”

“Yeah, yeah okay- geez,” Eddie sighs and looks down at his hands to pick at his nails. “Yeah… all of that…”

“Well… maybe if she really means that much to ya, then be honest. Try again. Really put some elbow grease into it, and maybe—if you’re lucky—she’ll forgive you.”

Eddie scoffs out a miserable laugh and gestures around him in a way that’s far more animated than when his uncle did it.

“Yeah. Cause I’m clearly so lucky.”

*

What made all of this worse was the fact that he couldn’t even reach out for months.

Being hidden away didn’t only mean a different hospital picked out by Hopper. It also meant no calls, no letters—nothing. He couldn’t risk being found by anyone who was still convinced he was guilty. Eddie insisted it calmed down enough to come back and he had healed enough for it, but Hopper was hesitant and ultimately unyielding.

“It’s bullshit. You guys even said no one mentions me anymore, and it’s not like I’m a suspect.” Eddie ranted to Nancy during her visit, Steve somewhere else in the hospital looking for food.

“I know, but you’ll still stand out right now,” she reasoned. “If you come back, it could stir something up again.”

“What, so I never go back? I have to uproot my whole shitty life because of rumors?”

“Eddie-“ she sighed.

“No, it’s shit. It’s all shit. If I have to stay one more second in this shitty fucking room, I’m gonna start climbing the walls,” he ranted with wild eyes. “I need to leave. I need to live my crappy life. I… I need to see y/n again.”

At that, Nancy perked up. It wasn’t out of excitement, but rather something blowing through her sideways at your name. Familiarity burned at her before it all went up in flames, and she was overwhelmed with memories and guilt.

“Oh my god… y/n…” She murmured to herself with an upsetting sense of nostalgia.

She completely forgot about you in the mess of everything. At first she had been trying to keep you from learning anything that could put you in danger—doing her best to keep it between her and Jonathan. She had already lost Barb because of her own selfish carelessness, she couldn’t let something happen to you too. Then it was all a whirlwind from there and you were suddenly caught up in a past that she forgot existed. A past where a shoebox was just a shoebox.

Her eyes grow sad, her mind filling with thoughts of how she could’ve ever possibly left you in the dust. Sure, you were a newfound friend in high school—whereas her and Barb had been friends for years by that point—but that was no excuse for letting leaving you out of the loop turn into completely leaving you behind.

She’s so caught up in her own regrets that she forgets about Eddie until he’s speaking up again and waving his hand in front of her face.

“Uhh, Wheeler? Hello?”

“Oh- uh… yeah, yes.” She shakes her head, her curly hair shuffling around with the motion, her brow frowning and her lips taut. “Yes. Yes, I know her. You know her?”

“Well uh…” he lets out a nervous laugh, suddenly fearful of the rage of an old friend. “We sorta… we had a thing going…”

He risked a glance over at her, and her expression was anything but sparing. She clearly wasn’t happy with how guilty he sounded, but who was she? She abandoned you for all intents and purposes, even if she didn’t mean to. And if she had been blind enough to never notice what went on between you and Eddie, she had no right to chastise him for it even if she did have the familiar urge to get up on her high horse.

“But uh… I kinda screwed everything up,” he muttered and was back to picking at his fingers while he stared down at them. “Like you wouldn’t believe. And I just… shit, I’m so sick of this place and waiting around.”

“I’m sorry, Eddie, but you can’t go back to Hawkins yet.”

“Yeah, I think I got that,” he snaps bitterly before cooling down again. “I just… I need to talk to her or something. If she could be brought here, or if I could meet her somewhere else. I need to fix things.”

After constant complaining and threats of breaking out of the hospital, Nancy eventually found a compromise to get him to shut up.

Steve came back around the time he had started rattling on again about how he was going to go crazy. Utterly confused as always, he was off to the side and watched as Nance did her best to calm Eddie down again. He occasionally broke through all the noise with his questions, only to get a searing glare from Nancy. At some point, he finally caught on (kinda) and only made things worse.

“Munson has a crush,” he finally said with a snap of his fingers and points at them. “That’s cute. Embarrassing, but cute.”

“I don’t have a crush, you idi-”

“Will you please stop?” Nancy hissed over at him, expression begging for him to keep out of it.

“Why am I even here?” Steve wondered out loud with a sigh and kept eating his suspicious hospital jello.

“Cause I can’t leave this fucking place!” Eddie reiterated, making Nancy groan over Steve agitating the problem that she was just barely starting to settle.

“I’ll- I’ll give her a letter!” she finally offered, cutting Eddie off mid-complaint. Her arms shot up with the raise of her voice, laughing with exasperation. “Just write down what you want to say, and I’ll give it to her!”

*

“What are you doing here?”

It came out harsher than you intended and even you wanted to flinch at your own words, but maybe it was justified. She completed cast you aside you when you lost a friend. You both lost a friend, and it seemed to make her hate you. Or at least that’s how it felt. Why else would she have avoided you? Why else would she have stopped talking to you?

“I guess I deserve that.” Nancy replied with a soft huff of a laugh, and a sheepish smile.

More news seemed to be coming up little by little about Barb. Once upon a time you thought it all came to a close when it was revealed that she died from a chemical leak, but now there was talk of things that a chemical leak would wilt in comparison to. Things that went on in your own home town that you can’t even imagine going unseen by so many. Or maybe they all saw, but curled up into their comfortable ignorance to avoid it. You couldn’t judge them—you did too. You believed every story you got, even if—in hindsight—they were obvious cover ups every time someone started to demand for better explanations.

You eye her cautiously, hoping your eyes don’t show the sadness that came with such hesitancy around someone you used to know so well.

“I uhm…” Nancy shook her head the way she always did when she needed to clear her thoughts, brows furrowed and nose briefly scrunched up as she glanced at the ground. “I had to bring this to you…”

She was looking at you again, gauging your reaction as she extended her slim arm to offer you an envelope. You’re toying with it in your hands, wondering why there was no name on the back and if you should open it now.

“I’m… I’m sorry.”

You look up at her now, but remain silent. What was there to say?

“I should’ve never left you behind like that... Trust me, I never meant to. I thought I was protecting you and I was, but…” Nancy’s pouty lips scrunch together for a moment. “It wasn’t fair.”

“No, it wasn’t…” you concur, but your heart aches from the look on her face.

Sure, she hurt you but maybe you should’ve been grateful. Even if you wished she would’ve been honest with you, you knew how stubborn Nancy could be when it came to protecting those close to her. Instead of shutting her out, you extend an olive branch.

“Barb would be rolling her eyes at us right now, huh?”

Nancy stutters over her own disbelieving laugh as she glances at you through her lashes.

“Yeah, she would be.” Her nose scrunches again, lips bunched up a second time as her gaze grows sentimental. “She’d be telling us to stop being so stupid.”

“‘You both get perfect grades, why don’t you use your brains outside of school?’” You quote before laughing and she joins in.

“Guess we can’t say she wasn’t honest. She was always pretty straightforward with her thoughts.”

“One of us had to be.”

Nancy nods, and then let’s out a sigh as she rubs her arm and starts to move out of your way.

“Well, I should probably let you get to that-“

“Yeah, this letter that isn’t suspicious at all.” You joke, holding up the blank envelope and she laughs lightly before ducking her head down.

Figuring you were parting ways now, you turn around and open your front door, just to turn around in your doorway when you heard her suddenly chirp out your name. She hesitates again, but then finds her words.

“I… now that things seem to be going back to normal… I… I’d love to try being friends again. Maybe have a girls night.”

A smile breaks out onto your face, and you watch her defenses slowly start to melt away and smooth out the stiffness in her body.

“I’d like that.”

*

“What did she say? How’d she react?” Eddie asked over the radio, barely even waiting for a second to pass before continuing. “Wheeler? Hello?”

“Can I have a moment to respond?” Nancy quipped back, the crackling of the station breaking up her voice but not enough that he couldn’t hear her frustration. Not that he cared right now.

“What’d she think?”

“I don’t know, Eddie,” she sighed. “She didn’t open your letter in front of me.”

“Shit…” Eddie mutters, chewing at his thumbnail. He wanted—maybe even needed—the instant gratification that Nancy could’ve given him had she stuck around to watch you open the envelope.

Then again, maybe he was lucky.

“It— It’s whatever. I just hope it makes a difference.”

“What…what did you say to her in the letter?” Nancy asked now before shifting her focus quickly. “What did you even do in the first place?”

“Uhh, well let’s see,” Eddie looked up at the ceiling from where he was sat on the edge of his bed as his leg started to bounce. “I was a dick. Yeah… yeah, that about sums it up.”

“Don’t make me regret doing this for you, Eddie.” Nancy sighed and turned down the volume to her walky talky.

*

“I’m sorry, and I mean it. I’m capable given the right circumstances, remember?” the writing said, then there were a few words that had been crossed out and he followed those scratches of ink with a winky face, concluding with: “Leave that window unlocked, kay? I’ll be back for that necklace so keep it safe.”

Was the world falling apart all over again? Did you actually die and you didn’t even realize it? Everything seemed so unexpected and oddly… nice? Reassuring? Like Nancy showing up and apologizing. Or this letter you had open on top of your bedding.

It was part of a full sheet of paper, likely the bottom third of a page torn off. The handwriting and the comments throughout were enough to immediately make you think of who wrote this—even if he didn’t sign it. But what really confirmed it was the necklace with the red guitar pick hanging on it. You’re infuriated with the involuntary flush reaching your cheeks as memories rush in. All the times he was on top of you, that necklace hanging down and resting on your chest or nudging your chin and lips.

“God, you’re such a good girl for me.” you remember him groaning that one time he watched you sucking on the guitar pick, big eyes staring up at him while he fucked into you.

You had been folded into yourself on his mattress, tears prickling at the corners of your eyes from each and every thrust that fed your greed for him but was inevitably making your body ache.

The pick that was now resting in your palm was suddenly just a thin slab of plastic. The more you thought about it, that’s pretty much all it tasted like it, but you remembered the saltiness of his sweat too. What made it so special in the first place was knowing it was his. It was such an integral part of him—it laid close to his heart where you wished to be, and it was cherished by him which you wished for yourself once too. That moment in his small bedroom when you let it slip past your lips, you hadn’t been sure how he’d react, and to be completely honest you were too fucked out to think at all. But he didn’t pull it away from you, he sunk into you with that shuddering praise instead.

The memory of his words was enough to raise your body temperature, but you fought off that familiar instinct to melt just for him. He’s an asshole. A cruel heartbreaker. He’s selfish. He’s mean. He’s smug. He ruined love for you.

Your stomach bends and curls enough to make you nauseous as the butterflies kick in—then why do I still want him so badly? You were so desperate to take every single ounce of attention—good or bad—that he gave you. Hadn’t you learned your lesson? Hadn’t you been practicing your borderline religious hatred for him enough for it to be real?

You’re not sure if it’s anger towards him or yourself for slipping so easily, but your blood is starting to boil. You remind yourself of all those games he used to play with you and the sentiment of him being a heartless, sadistic fuck plays on repeat in your head so that no softer thoughts can break through. Surely he was toying with you. This was a test of some kind, probably because he got bored and wanted to brush you off like some forgotten toy he wanted to use again.

You needed to prove to yourself that you can shoot him down. Stare into those gorgeous doe eyes and tell him to go fuck himself. Look up at him when he’s giving you that beautiful half-smile and moving his hands to hold your hips, and tell him to never talk to you again.

You needed to show him how it felt to be treated the way he treated you. Maybe it was childish, but some twisted part of you felt relieved at the thought of it. He deserved to have his hopes shattered when he thinks he’s getting what he wants, just to be shut out. He deserved to be humiliated. He deserved to be broken down so thoroughly just like you had been. To be broken down into such a fine dust that even when you were sure everything had been swept back together again, there were always going to be those missing bits and pieces that fell through the cracks or blew away.

As you’re toying with the necklace in your hands, you can’t help but think you’re being too immature. What about last year? Everything that happened to him? Maybe he’s been put through enough? Your brow frowns, and you’re internally cursing yourself for being so horribly incapable of making a decision.

Your hand shot up to cover your frustrated expression, a groan leaving your lips. You wanted to let yourself hate him so badly, but you wanted to feel loved by him so much it hurt.

You think it over for the rest of the night, laying in bed with your hands still clutching that necklace. You’re up for hours, only falling asleep when your body forces you into submission around 4 AM—nodding off and snapping back up just to nod off again. Your last thought is that you had to be strong—whatever that meant. You didn’t have to be mean, but you refused to cave and immediately let him have you in whatever way he wants.

He’s won far too many times, and now it’s your turn.

*

“If you get caught then I had nothing to do with this—got that, Munson?” Steve whispered as he glanced over at the metalhead, one arm still outstretched as he held onto the steering wheel.

Eddie was too busy taking in the sight of your house and breathing in the fresh night air. It never occurred to him before just how much he loved the smell of chill in the wind, like it might snow soon. Ever since last year he was realizing a lot of things he never knew he loved, and he felt both relieved and crushed by the knowledge. He was sure he knew himself before everything happened. He liked fantasy games, music, and indulging in that metal rockstar lifestyle even if it was just another fantasy he was playing into. He liked having all eyes on him as he made a scene in the lunchroom. He liked being the local anarchistic leader of fellow freaks, and ignoring any other responsibilities. He liked girls he could use like he was some big shot backstage after a show.

He thought everything was about prepping himself for that kind of life. He was comfortable being the asshole who never pulled his weight anymore than he had to if he wasn’t interested enough. He was comfortable being a runner because then he could continue living the way he was used to without anything to come in and hold him back, until his whole life fell apart. Then he was afraid for his life. Then he was afraid for that kid’s life—all of their lives, actually, not just Dustin’s. Then he was suddenly the person charging into danger to give someone else a chance.

And now he was alone. He still had his new group, but they could continue their lives while he was kept hidden away and all he had to do was think about everything he never realized he would miss. Something as simple as recognizing a familiar comfort in the smell of a soft breeze felt heart wrenching. Or laying in a hospital bed wishing he still had that one girl to love him made him horribly aware of how empty he’s always been.

“Hello?” Steve urged with an impatient tone.

Eddie glanced over at him and despite his frustration at the lack of response, Steve felt taken aback by the sight of him. Something about finally seeing him back out of the hospital made him realize just how miserable Eddie really was. Maybe it was because sadness made sense in a hospital, or maybe it was the way the moonlight hit his features the right way and he could see the deeper shadows of his face and his sullen eyes.

“Just… be quick alright? And I was never here.”

“Yeah, Hopper’ll have your head.” Eddie snickered quietly.

“I’m less concerned about Hopper…” Steve muttered as thoughts of a certain young woman being upset with him flashed through his head.

“Women, am I right?” Eddie asked playfully in a mocking manner to anyone who ever seriously shared that sentiment, leaning his body towards Steve before laughing as the brunet nudged him back.

“Will you just go?” Steve laughed it off, shaking his head and watched him finally clamber out of the car.

Eddie snuck to the side of the house where he could spot your window. It had been a solid couple of weeks since Nancy brought his letter to you, and he just wished you would let him back in. He huffed before forcing himself up to make his way towards the window, the tip of his tongue sticking out of the corner of his lips in concentration. He was understandably weaker since the last time he was doing this on a weekly basis, but he pushed through and squeezed his eyes shut in frustration when it wouldn’t open. You kept it locked.

*

Your whole body tensed at the sound of someone rapping on your window, hand clutching your blanket. It had been long enough that you thought he was never going to come and retrieve his necklace, and you were irritated with your own disappointment. Now you were struggling with the sudden surge of excitement lighting up your nerves, which was making a sour combination with all that built up anger towards him.

When you finally forced yourself to look over your shoulder, you weren’t expecting how badly you wanted to cry. You wanted to let him in and just kiss him. Kiss him until you could pass out from the lack of oxygen. Hold him to you and refuse to let him leave. He wasn’t allowed to make a visit like this and leave you again—physically or emotionally. You couldn’t handle it, and you were surprised at how all these feelings presented themselves.

“What is your problem?” Is the first thing to leave your lips when he’s climbing into your room, and you might’ve been more surprised by your words than he was.

“W… what?” he laughs off your question, shocked by you starting the interaction this way; although realistically he shouldn’t have been.

“Why are you here?”

“Well I…” he rubbed his arm once he was back to his full height, scratching a bit at his elbow. “I wanted to apologize-”

“Why does it matter to you now?” you interrupt, your anger surprisingly not faltering even when his big eyes flit up to look at you sadly like a dejected puppy. You felt so broken when you finally saw him again, you didn’t know where this was coming from. Why—when you wanted him back so badly—you were being so… mean.

“What? Did you develop a conscience all of a sudden? Get hunted for months and suddenly have an opportunity to stop and think ‘hm it really sucks to be treated like garbage, gee I wonder if this is how I made her feel’”?”

Eddie’s expression hardens for a moment, and it’s more familiar to you than any bit of softness he was showing you.

“Y’know, I wasn’t exactly treated all that great in school either. I can assure you, I already knew what it’s like to be treated like shit.”

“Oh so that excuses it then.”

“I-” Eddie huffs, letting out an incredulous laugh before trying again. “That’s not what I said. Shit— I just… I’m sorry, okay? I’m not trying to make any excuses. I should’ve been better to you.”

You stay silent for a moment, arms crossed as you watch how honest he looks when he’s all soft like this—with those puppy eyes hopeful and glossy.

“Why did you do it? If you really cared all this time why were you so hell bent on hurting me so thoroughly?”

“I never wanted to hurt you…” he mutters as he looks at the floor, glancing up when you scoff out a disbelieving laugh of your own. For once this kind of attitude doesn’t fuel his fire, but tamps it down. He felt awful, and what made it worse is he couldn’t blame you if you didn’t believe it.

“I… I thought you were cute before. Just in passing, y’know, cause you were still an underclassmen back then, but…” he glances down at his shoes. “I overheard you with your friends talking about me, and when the possibility of me liking you came up you jus’ laughed about it. Like taking an interest in me was that bad.”

His brow furrows at the memory, and just when you’re about to respond he continues to explain himself the best he can.

“I just… I don’t know, alright? It was stupid but it made me feel like shit. Like as if you would ever give me the time of day. And then it was like you were obsessed with me, and I just…”

“Wanted to make me hurt?” you question and he glances up at you briefly before nodding.

There’s a beat of silence, and he’s hopeful this is you letting everything sink in and understand where he was coming from. That you’d see his sincerity, and take him back because fuck he couldn’t stand being alone again.

“You took my heart and ripped it into shreds because of that?” you finally ask, tone sharp enough to make him cringe. “Because of something I said as a nervous sophomore who couldn’t fathom being liked? Or being seen as interesting? That’s what this is all from?”

“Well- I- but you liked the teasing-” Eddie attempted, and immediately regretted when he saw the fire in your eyes.

“That’s not what I’m talking about, and you know it!”

“I… you… you do it too! Sometimes we overreact! It happens!” Eddie finally snapped back, but tried to keep his frustration within a whisper the same way you were. “Sometimes you overhear a conversation and you make the wrong conclusion! Sometimes you don’t get kissed and you get upset! Sometimes you try to sell a girl drugs and end up on the wrong fucking side of hell opening up! Shit happens in fucked up ways! Things get messed up! I’m trying to fix how I messed up!”

He’s visibly distraught, and even though he knew this wouldn’t be easy, deep down he wished you’d melt into him like always.

“You don’t get to pull that with me, Eddie. I’m sorry about what happened last year. I really, truly am because you don’t deserve it—no matter how much I hate your fucking guts. But you don’t get to use it to distract me with it.”

“I’m not—fuck— I’m not trying to distract you with it! I’m just saying things get mixed up because of assumptions n shit like that. And I’m… I’m sorry I…” he trails off, letting out panting breaths. “You… do you really hate me?”

You hesitate, that broken look on his face almost getting to you, but you’re so sure you know better. You know how he can manipulate things.

“Yeah, Eddie. I hate you.”

He’s surprisingly quiet as he looks at you, an unfamiliar glittering to his eyes.

“And by the way, there’s a huge difference between you spending years hell bent on my misery and leaving me beyond devastated; and me giving you the silent treatment after you fucked me in the middle of the night and didn’t stick around or kiss me or make me actually feel cared for in any way.”

Eddie murmured your name, taking a step forward in a quiet plead for forgiveness. Mercy. Anything but this.

“No. I’m talking right now. Not you. So shut up and listen for once,” you choked out as tears filled your eyes, which felt oddly dissonant to your anger.

“I don’t like you. I don’t trust you. And I don’t want you back in my life,” You listed off with an attitude that surprised him, even if he deserved it. “I’m sorry that Hawkins has ruined your life, but that doesn’t mean you get me back just cause all of this has given you a fucking backbone and a conscience.”

Eddie’s lips part and then close again, feeling like a fish out of water. He doesn’t know what to say. He doesn’t know what to do with that aching in parts of his body he didn’t even know could ache.

“Doll, please… I really…” he breathes in deep enough that it turns shaky and burns deep in his chest. “I need a chance. I need a chance to show you I mean it. That I did love you back. That I still love you. That I can make it all up to you.”

You dig your nails into your crossed arms, looking away. You know if you keep looking into those big brown eyes that look so desperate right now that you just might cave.

“Well… I don’t love you anymore. So don’t call me doll, and just leave me alone.”

Eddie rubs his hands over his face, reaching back to temporarily grip his hair to use up some of that rage on himself before he lets go again.

“What do I have to do? What do I have to do to get even one chance? Just one, that’s all I’m asking. It’s all I need cause I swear I won’t hurt you ever again,” Eddie pleads and he’s shocked by his own words, but he doesn’t regret them for even a second. “I-I’ll check in more on how you’re feeling. I’ll ask if there’s anything I can do better. I’ll meet your fucking parents. I’ll be gross and romantic and honest. Please. Just give me one last chance, and I won’t take it lightly. Just don’t lie to me if you still love me. Trust me, I know what’s it’s like to be scared shitless about letting someone in so you’d rather just lie. It’s not worth it.”

He notices that last remark sparks up your frustration and he clarifies speedily.

“And I know that me being like that is the reason you’re hesitant to let me in now. I know that’s my fault, I just… shit, I need another chance.”

The fact that he was so insistent and willing to grovel gave you some comfort, but you’ve learned to not get your hopes up. You stick to your guns, but not as confidently as before. And Eddie sees that.

“Please just leave…” you murmur, even if it’s burning away at you to insist that he go.

He groans, rubbing at his face again but goes to straddle your windowsill anyway.

“I really do care about you. I’m sorry I didn’t say it sooner.”

You started chewing at the skin around your thumbnail—a nasty stress-related habit you picked up from someone. You didn’t respond, just waited for him to actually go. You were too busy fighting your urge to crumble at his words that actually felt so sincere.

“I’m glad you’re alive.” You finally offer in a voice so soft you might as well have never spoken up, but it’s enough to ease some of that aching he felt.

“I’m glad you’re alive, too… I was worried you wouldn’t be. Bugged the shit out of Sinclair so he’d let me know.” he admitted with a soft laugh.

“You asked about me…?”

“Yeah… you’re all I’ve been thinking about.”

You bite your lip, swallowing when you realized just how tight your throat felt. You’re unsure of how to respond without giving into him, until you catch a glimpse of his necklace on your bedside table.

“Oh uhm… you came here to get this back.” you murmur, padding over to the nightstand to grab it and bring it over to him. Eddie stares at the pick in your palm before looking at you with sad amusement.

“The necklace wasn’t really what I was interested in coming back for…” he admits with a soft chuckle, eyeing you as his smile falters. “Keep it.”

“But it’s your-”

“Keep it. Please.”

The moment is bittersweet, and you’re thinking about what it would be like if you really gave him a chance to prove he’s being honest with you tonight, but you’re too fearful to take that chance. You do hold onto the necklace though.

“Good night, Eddie.”

*

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[wangxianficfinder]

Fic Finder

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1. Hi! Can you help me look for this fic (cause its been months since the last time I read it) wherein WWX is LWJ’s husband and he is teaching in gusu wearing gusulan robes? I remember students likes wwx that one sect leader went to Cloud Recesses to insult wwx for seducing his son.

Btw, the fic includes photos of WWX wearing gusulan (white robes) (I think they got the image where Xiao Zhan was Shi Ying)

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2. Hi! Can you help me find these 2 fics. Thank you very much

A) Twitter thread fic wherein nyancheng went to book signing of his fav author zewujun.  I remember after the book signing, lxc reach out his hand for handshake and when they shakehands, bolts were felt and they went into heat/rut. Apparently they are soulmates. Nyancheng was embarrassed because his ears and tails pop out due to heat. (I actually forgot lxc animal trait)

B) Modern Au where in wwx is in the airport with police and ambulance because apparently wwx plane went missing for 13 years (???). The people in the plane (including wwx) thought that they have been in the plane for few hours but outside the plane, its been years. Wwx didn’t even aged up while his family (including lwj) aged up

2B)

看客散去唯你我不忘 | the world forgets but i still remember you by prettyxianxian (T, 11k, wangxian, modern, manifest au, flashbacks, multiple POV, angst w happy ending, hurt/comfort, everyone lives au, insecurities, JC & WWX reconciliation, good parent YZY & JFM)

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3. Hey! I hope you guys are doing great and resting in the midst of everything in life and updating this blog as well. Unfortunately, I fear I'm here to add to your burdens 😅

So I was looking for this fic. I remember it being set in the Canon era where Wei Wuxian is just extremely intelligent, and he goes on this  whole tirade about how he came to the conclusion concerning the waterborne abyss witht the use of talismanic theory in the library while Lan Wangji makes the charcoal for him to write and at the end Wangji is just so fascinated by Wuxian while the latter is like, "sorry for unloading that whole thing on you" kind of vibe. 

I can't seem to remember what the name is. I was looking for it in my history, and it's just so difficult when it's just that kne scene you remember. Do you suppose you could help my misery. Thank you in advance. @poetic-writes

FOUND? 🧡 Stunted, Starving Juvenility by TomatenMark (E, 663k, WangXian, WIP, Fix-it of sorts, Talisman master WWX, Not JFM Friendly, Study Arc, Getting together, Fluff and Angst, Engagement)

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4. Hi! I'm looking for a fic where wwx is a musician in university living in this huge dorm. He sometimes hears beautiful piano music (lwj) coming from somewhere in the building but he doesn't know where. They start to play music together and don't know each other's identities. They don't find out each other's identities until graduation or something. @its0nnetflix

FOUND? sounds like through a window softly by impossibletruths (T, 14k, wangxian, modern, college/university au, music au, neigbors, graduate school, music as a love language) on AO3 except that LWJ is a violin player

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5. okay, i once started reding a wangxian fic that was based on another fic called "the simplest way forward" and it was like this, wangxian were roommates and someone dropped Yuan off at their door and that's all i remember because i didn't finish it and now i can't find it, help me please and thank you <3 @akutamichan

FOUND? so take my hand (take my whole life too) by cicer (E, 92k, WangXian, Modern AU, Accidental Baby Acquisition, oh my god they were roommates, Idiots in Love, Mutual Pining, Implied/Referenced Drug Addiction, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, this fic is not about trauma, it’s about the yearning, slowburn)

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6. hi! i was looking for an E rated sbwy gym fic where wwx thinks of him and lwj as really good gymbros. one point theyre at a smoothie(?) place where wwx says hes glad they started seeing each other (as friends) but lwj interprets it as romantic. jc had said wwx was feminine when theyre were 14 or smth and so wwx has a mild complex abt it. i rmbr wwx has an old flip phone and nhs makes a joke how wwx is rich enough to buy a new smartphone instead, also when lwj sends photos it takes forever to load in. i think lwj did soundtracks for movies too? and wwx mentions watching those movies for him. sry thats all i rmbr! i believe its possibly deleted, and if so does anyone have it downloaded?

#6 has been privated I think 😓

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7. For the next fic finder I was wondering if you could help me find two specific Hogwarts AUs?

- Moved to a YiZhan FF/ITMF post

The second one is really vague and I’m sorry for that but I remember a WangXian fic where Wei Wuxian is part Veela and maybe he’s a Slytherin or Hufflepuff? I can’t seem to remember anything else besides there being a focus on Wei Wuxian’s volatile nature and battle prowess due to his Veela blood. He may have also killed a guy, or at least severely harmed some guy in self defense. I loved their world building and I’m so upset that I’ve lost both of them. Thank you for the help in advance.

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8. Hey! Been following for a while and enjoying all the finders and recs from this page!

I have a request though, I'm trying to look for this fiction where wei ying is a general (i think) and lan zhan is a dragon, and there's a war between all sect, with the lans, the nie, and wen on one side, against the jin and jiang on the other. There's also animal shifters among the gentry where I think the jiang might be water birds?? I can't quite remember. The jiang and Jin end up defeated and the others win. Wei ying.is also a genius tactician and is respected by the other side of the war. I can't remember the name of the fiction and I'm desperate to find it. I think it's a completed fic too

Many thanks if you find it! (And could you tag me so I definitely see the post this request shows up if its found?? I forget things easily) @elderredraccoon​

FOUND! Crossing Paths by Ilona22 (M, 21k, wangxian, shapeshifter au, graphic depictions of violence, war between sects, war crimes, not JC friendly, happy ending)

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9. Hi! I'm looking for a WangXian fic where WWX and LWJ go back in time but WWX goes back a very long time before his birth. He holes up in the Burial Mounds and becomes notorious as the YLLZ. He's also pretty depressed I think? When WWX realizes that LWJ is born he storms into the Cloud Recesses and demands LWJ's hand in marriage -- LWJ is only 12 (I think) at this point and LQR and LXC are horrified but LWJ agrees without their input (he still has his original memories). WWX starts out just treating LWJ like a child he's very fond of but when LWJ gets older and becomes an adult, they resume a sexual relationship and I think WWX comments on how they're slowly shifting their dynamics from Kind Mentor WWX/Young Mentee LWJ to Bratty Bubbly WWX/Calm Dominant LWJ. I remember really liking this fic but I don't remember what any of its tags were or whether it was a single fic or a series of one shots etc etc. I would appreciate the help! @sssrha​

FOUND? An Unusual Betrothal by ahealthydoseof (G, 74k, wangxian, time travel, age difference, immortality, BAMF WWX, younger LWJ, older WWX, misunderstandings, fluff & crack, worried parents, rabbits, food, non-sexual intimacy, murder, fix-it of sorts, developing relationship, humor, arranged marriage, jealousy, friendship, family feels, dysfunctional family, fatherhood, angst, hurt/comfort, mentor WWX, natural disasters, sworn brotherhood, serious injuries, kissing)

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10. Looking for a fic, please help! the wens had won the war years ago. I only remember a scene where lan wangji and the juniors were in a shop or restaurant of some sort and wen xu comes in and intimidates lan wangji to where the juniors defend him. He thanks them later saying it’s hard for him to deal with wen xu. (he had lan wangji in captivity during the war, lan wangji still has Nightmares about it). I don’t remember where wei ying is or if he “died”. Thanks!!!!

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11. Hello! I'm looking for 2 fics that I have wanted to rec on ITMFs so many times but just can't find! Both are canon divergent, not modern au.

A) it is a sort of eldritch wwx. He was eaten by a demon that like. Consumed his memories and wanted to be wwx? And then he gets back to sunshot, vomits up wen chaos teeth, has sex with lan zhan and also eats cows whole? Its a good one!

B) this one I remember just one scene. It is post sun shot, a confrontation at the jin banquet with yllz wwx. Yu Ziyuan is alive and checks his core in public and realizes he is coreless (i really think its her! But maybe someone else...). This might have been schemed by wen qing? Fix it after this point i think. @absurdlyadmiredarmchair​

11A)

FOUND! You are what you eat by deliciousblizzardshark (E, 17k, WangXian, Canon Divergence, Eldritch WWX, Horny LWJ, Body Horror, Possession, of a sort, Cannibalism, kind of, Mild Gore, Teeth, Fluff and Humor, Smut, Oral Sex, Anal Sex, Monster sex, Switching, Light BDSM, Rimming, Self-Lubrication, Seriousness treated Crackily, Implied/Referenced Torture, Dead WWX)

11B)

FOUND! seldom all they seem by Fahye (E, 24k, wangxian, canon divergence, arranged marriage, or rather arranged betrothal, weapongrade thirst)

not found Yearning for Miles by Murahi (M, 378k, WangXian, LQR/SiSi, Canon Divergence, Angst, Fluff, Slow burn, Mutual Pining, seeing the future) There is a scene like this quite far into the fic. It's chapter 64 to be precise 😊

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12. anyone know of a fic where wwx falls into the wen treasure room after sunshot, it's the only thing i remember about it

I don't know what the fic for #12, but I think I've read it before and Wen Qing & Wen Ning show a group of people onto the Wen throne room through a back door, and WN had to open it as it could only be opened by a male Wen. There was a big Wen family tree on the wall of this secret entrance.

FOUND! Better Things to Do with a Flute in Wartime by Anonymous (E, 365k, MingXian, WangXianJue, Sunshot Campaign, Fix-It, Magical Healing Cock, Dual Cultivation, mild Dom/Sub, Undernegotiated Kink, Golden Core Reveal, Breathplay, Choking, Painplay, Subdrop, Topdrop, Major Character Injury, Canon Divergence, What-If, Temperature Play, Orgasm Delay/Denial, Fisting, Spanking, PTSD, Trauma, Self-Harm, (in the pursuit of cultivational badassery) Something similar happens in chapters 43-45

Not FOUND! ❤️ Gentians in bloom by teawater (M, 251k, wangxian, Canon Divergence, AU after cold spring, Political Marriage, Dysfunctional Family, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Fix-It, Hurt/Comfort, LQR bashing (not really), POV Multiple, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Eventual Happy Ending, BAMF WWX, JC is actually a lot better than canon, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, YZY bashing (again not completely)) the one mentioned with the wen family tree is, in chapter 33

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13. Hi 

Firstly, I want to say thank you, this blog is awesome, and I have found so many good Fics to read as well as find ones that I have lost or forgot to bookmark. 

Secondly, I would like help to find a fic, from what I remember Wei Ying was drunk on the rooftop when someone approached. In his drunken state, he thinks it was Lan Wangji that showed up so he goes on saying things like are you here to punish me again. He also asks why Lan Wangji hates him so much, but the whole entire time it was actually Lan Xichen he was talking to. I think it takes place after he got punished for drinking in Cloud Recess, and then something happens and he almost falls off the roof but Lan Xichen catches him. Lan Wangji had apparently witnessed the whole thing and tried to apologize but Lan Xichen coldly tells him the apology should be given to Wei Ying instead when he wakes up. 

Again, thank you so much in advance. 

FOUND? a tide in two seas by occultings (microcomets) (E, 81k, WangXian, Parallel Universes, Modern with Magic, Post-Canon, Getting Together, Mutual Pining, Established Relationship, Mild Horror, Case Fic, mildly sci-fi, JC & WWX Reconciliation, First Time, Loss of Virginity, Married Couple, Love Confessions, Weird Plot Shit, i honestly don't even know how to tag this fic but there is freak4freak occurring, {Podfic} a tide in two seas by littleglasselephants)

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14. Hi 👋,  for the next fic finder - im trying to find a fic i saw awhile back. I cant remember too clearly but i think lwj got separated from the lan clan when he was young and found himself in a brothel. I remember when he was young - he only had to clean etc but as he was growing,  his good looks started getting noticed. I think he also asked someone to curse him so he looks hideous or something. 

Please help me find this 🙏.  Thank you so much 🌸

FOUND? Turn Left by kianspo (M, 204k, WangXian, NieLan, Canon Divergence, Fix-It of Sorts, Friends to Lovers, eventually, references to child sexual abuse, not main characters,  Neurodivergent LWJ, Slow Build, Lán Family Feels, specifically, Twin Jades of Lán Feels, lwj-centric, Twin Jades of Lán Dynamics, Somebody Lives/Not Everyone Dies)

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15. hi! i’m looking for a fic that’s gone missing! it’s a modern au, where lan zhan and wei ying are strangers that are matched by a hotel and are going to spend wei ying’s heat together. it’s supposed to be a hotel where u can safely share a heat without the threat of pregnancy but they throw that out the window and just spend it together. oh! it’s a smut fix lol. but yeah that’s about it. hopefully u can find it, i randomly thought ab and could not find it anywhere :’) 

random detail: lan zhan’s cello fingers were pointed out @alt-stay

FOUND! Lucid by lazulink (E, 9k, WangXian, Modern AU, A/B/O Dynamics, Mating Cycles/In Heat, Assigned Heat Partners, Strangers to Lovers Speedrun, Scenting, Nesting, Knotting, Mating Bites, Cunnilingus, Rimming, Humiliation, Blow Jobs, Breeding Kink, Spanking, Consensual Non-Consent, Consensual Somnophilia, Breathplay, Loss of Virginity, Light Dom/sub, Alpha LWJ, Omega WWX, PWP, Intersex Omegas, Under-negotiated Kink, Implied Future Mpreg)

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16. Strange one again, I'm looking for a fic that mentions the situation at Lotus Pier is made harder by the fact that JFM has his servants, YZY has hers, but because they're so separate, nobody knows whether his servants outrank hers or whose orders take precdence, and how WWX gets tangled in it. Pretty sure it's a Lan commenting on the disharmony, but not 100%.

FOUND? Alliance AU by Ilona22 (E, 17k, wangxian, ABO, arranged marriage, intersex omegas, canon Jiang family dynamics, not JC friendly, matchmaking, night hunts) is 'Lotus Pier' Ilona22 is the third fic in their Alliance AU. It's an ABO series, and the bit about the separate household is from the perspective of a servant there witnesses happy Wangxian at the Lotus Pier markets

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17. Hi! For your next fic finder can I please request this wangxian time travel fic where LWJ goes back to where WWX just reappeared after the burial mounds and LWJ asks him to marry him and WWX takes it as a joke??? thank you! @iyo-luv

FOUND? Lan Wangji's Prank by shiroakuma (E, 23k, wangxian, time travel fix-it, everyone lives au, pining, golden core reveal, YLLZ WWX, first kiss, first time, love confessions, wangxian get happy ending) hi!! so, for the last fic finder, #17 might be "Lan Wangji's Prank" by shiroakuma? i say might bc lwj asks to court wwx, not marry, but this is the only fic that came to mind when i read the request <33

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18. So I’m looking for a specific fic that I know is on ao3, can’t remember the name of the story nor the author though.

And that’s after looking through my history on ao3 for over an hour.

All I really remember from it was that it was short, like one to ten chapters long.

(And yes I do consider 10 chapters short)

It took place in cloud recess study arc, jiang Cheng punched or got into a physical fight with Jin Zixuan, in the classroom if I remember correctly.

Wei wuxian was injured. Somehow, story could be after the waterborne abyss.

Oh and the Jiangs asking WWX why he didn’t defend Yanli. Despite the fact he’s injured on the floor. @ravenwithwings​

FOUND! If only you knew (what goes on in my mind) by makexianxianhappytoday (G, 7k, wangxian, time travel fix-it, angst w/ happy ending, not Jiang friendly, protective LWJ)

Not FOUND! No Refunds, Satisfaction Guaranteed by la_muerta (E, 20k, WangXian, Robots & Androids, Childhood Friends, Idiots in Love, Mutual Pining, Rimming, Come as Lube, Semi-Public Sex, Light Bondage, Orgasm Delay/Denial, Dom/sub Undertones)

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19. Hello! I’m trying to find a fic where lan zhan orders a sex robot/android and wei ying goes to deliver it but there’s a problem with getting it up to the apartment so he goes to the apartment to talk to lan zhan and lan zhan mistakes him as the robot and wei ying for some reason decides to go along with it? Please help I can’t seem to find it anywhere! 🙏💜 @rainingkittens​

Not FOUND! Heartspots & Human Things by flowerofgusu (E, 17k, wangxian, major character death, modern, romance, falling in love, angst w happy ending, with a twist, grief/mourning, versatile wangxian, eventual smut, demisexual LWJ, tragedy with a twist, tenderness, second chances, learning to love again, sex robot WWX, morally grey NHS)

FOUND! No Refunds, Satisfaction Guaranteed by la_muerta (E, 20k, WangXian, Robots & Androids, Childhood Friends, Idiots in Love, Mutual Pining, Rimming, Come as Lube, Semi-Public Sex, Light Bondage, Orgasm Delay/Denial, Dom/sub Undertones)

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20. hello! thank you for your help. I'm looking for a modern au fic where wwx was in an abusive relationship with wen chao (or wen zhuliu? one of the bad wens). all I remember is that a-yuan was wen chao's biological child and wwx wanted to protect him so he suffered the abuse for years and when wen chao went to prison wwx adopted a-yuan. hopefully someone recognizes

FOUND! how to make your dad fall in love with your high school teacher in five steps; the complete and bulletproof guide by ravenditefairylights (T, 90k, wangxian, modern, coffee shop au, nonbinary LSZ, hurt/comfort, trauma, past abuse, past domestic violence, healing, hurt WWX, found family, hospitalization, therapy, single parent WWX, pining, teacher LWJ, unreliable narrator, chronic pain, queer platonic relationship, genderfluid WWX, autistic LWJ, fluff & angst)

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[ddoxhan]

destined to be

tears just keep falling, but never to the ground

word count : 0.6k words

genre : angst; longing for someone who was in your life, someone you were so in love with and still is; gn! reader x any aespa member; how does it feel to long for someone so much you forgot how it feels, so numb and dreadful

t/w : none ?? ig

a/n : leaving hurts so much, but being left behind is on another level of agony. what is bound to happen will, yet I couldn't brace myself for it :( anyways enjoy !!

no one told me that losing someone felt like losing everything you thought life was. no one told me goodbyes were this hard to say. no one told me that you were going to be gone the next moment, when we were just laughing about some lame joke that I don't even remember anymore. all I can think of is just you and nothing else, truly.

it feels like all that's left is my body, its frame. I feel, empty. like this void right in the middle of my heart, ceasing the beating because what I do, eat, are only done for the sake of it. one moment I focus on something, the next you'll see me zoning out for the nth time, back to thinking about you.

please, please. let me out of this invisible cage. free me from these deafening cries. relieve me from these suffocating feelings. if I can, I don't want to feel. it hurts to feel now, where I don't deserve to feel happiness and joy without you. neither do I think I deserve to be submerged in this unbearable misery ever since you weren't here anymore.

you'll always be somewhere better, just not beside me. I'll always be somewhere worse, just not beside you. our times will forever be engraved in memories from now on, but I hate it. so much I'd do anything just to have you back because we never wanted this.

maybe you did, but I know if you had a choice, you'd choose to be here. like the old days, like those days we went to the neighborhood convenience store to get ice cream on hot days, like those days we drove for two hours to the amusement park we've always wanted to go, like those days we looked into each other's eyes, full of love and passion. passion to have the other in their embrace for as long as time existed.

people came and went by, but you stayed right here. and so did I, unwilling to leave you behind but that works both ways. even so, that day had come, and you were gone. not with the wind, yet it feels like the winds blowing were whispering in my ears. inaudible, but it had me break down with tears welling in my eyes. they refused to drop to the ground, instead rolling down my cheeks but before that could happen, I wiped them off with my sleeves.

no tears shall be shed to the ground with your departure. for I believe you felt relief, from all the pain and helplessness. watching you in your state, my heart clenches every now and then as you struggled to form your words to express what you felt. all I could do was comfort you and tell you, that it was okay, that it was fine with me if you chose to leave. it wasn't okay, however, I made myself be okay if it meant that you were happy, free.

you may be gone, but I will forever cherish that smile of yours for as long as I remember it and imagine what it would have been if time froze. just for you and me at that moment. just to hear your laughter for the last time, see that bright smile for the last time, feel you by my side for the last time, have you in my arms the last time. I did do all of that, but I'm greedy for more, because I'm still not ready to let you go. no amount time or experience can ever prepare someone for a last farewell.

I shall end the day on this note of yearning and heartaches. words seem powerless before these feelings I am feeling, but I guess,

"I miss you"

works just fine. there will be a day where I'd come find you, and we'd never be separated again. having you in my embrace, as we catch up on everything we had missed through long, long strings of time.

[the-storyteller-and-her-soldiers]

Warmth For/From a Rabbit

Title: Warmth For/From a Rabbit Word Count: 1,615 Warnings: Some cursing, descriptions of pain/feeling ill (Nothing graphic but I know everyone's different so be safe!) 'enemy' cuddles, HAPPY ENDING, I haven't written in months forgive me, also ' everywhere! Ship: A Tale of Two Empires (Zenos x myself) Summary: Rebecca had managed to make her way to a secret sanctuary yet couldn't give herself the mercy of simply waiting out the flare-up. But who would've thought that her 'worst enemy' would save her day... A/N: So yeah today was terrible to the point my world was spinning my whole shift and then when I got home it GOT WORSE! So instead of dwelling on the pain I coped by writing this hurt/comfort with Zenos! I made it an early relationship piece so you can see how our dynamic began (Also some disability acceptance cause we love to see it!) Also, this along with all my FFXIV stuff ties into my Royal AU

A high-pitched wail pierced through the enchanting Gridanian inn room that Rebecca managed to drag herself into. One would think that the princess-turned-Warrior of Light had just escaped a nightmarish battle with the way she appeared. Her world spun, tears streamed down her cheeks as she choked on suffocating sobs, and her body shook as if some unnatural force had possessed it.

But as Rebecca stumbled over to the bed that lay on the opposite side of the room, she knew better. These symptoms weren't from a harrowing battle, grievous poisoning, or any external influence. It was all her own doing, a misery of her own making.

"A-Ah!" Rebecca sharply inhaled as she collapsed onto the mattress. "Oh God, oh please..."

She curled in on herself as much as she possibly could, chanting pleas to the heavens for any relief amidst shallow breaths. Regardless of her cries, the invisible knife continued deep into her abdomen. It was a dull knife, a slow and excruciating sensation that pierced her center and spread through her core with every imagined twist.

Her head continued to spin, only now it was with possible causes and potential cures to this suffering. Could the light-headedness and initial nausea be from the two coffees she drank the day before? Had there been something within the air or had she unknowingly eaten something rotten? After mentally checking through those scenarios and then making sure she wasn't dehydrated, Rebecca came to the conclusion she dreaded most. This was just another part of her life-long condition rearing its loathsome head...

With this realization, her thoughts began to act as her own judge, jury and executioner to how she should be feeling. As she cast out any light by squeezing her eyes shut, tears continue to prick at the corners and flow free like rain droplets. Her short breaths had become quiet whimpers while the purple haired princess yearned for one of her loved ones to bust through the door to cradle her as her body fought itself.

Though when her onyx orbs revealed themselves once more, someone did stand above her. It wasn't one of her loyal knights or any of the scions, but instead a man with golden locks who towered over her scrunched-up body.

"My friend, are you unwell?" The man questioned. His voice was deep and laced with the faintest bit of curiosity but no trace of warmth or genuine care that she could tell.

When Rebecca bared to lift her head, she could barely hide the shudder which coursed through her veins as her brown eyes met with the man's sharp blue gaze. A sigh pushed past her lips once more as Rebecca allowed her head to fall back into the pillow.

"Zenos--ah, fuck-- I'm gonna skip the questions of what in the hells you want and how in the hells you got here. Instead, I'm going to ask if this is gonna be the ruthless Garlean prince's first mercy kill?!" Rebecca snapped back, her voice dripping with sarcasm vaguest hint of a laugh.

Rebecca couldn't see Zenos's expression darken considering her vision remained fixated on his upper thighs. They weren't hidden by the thick metal plates of armor that usually donned his legs. Instead, the nightmare of Domans and Ala Mhigans alike seemed to be dressed casually, or at least in a less defensive outfit. Yet her mental notes on his outfit coordination were interrupted when the prince finally spoke again. His voice was comparable to thunder, rumbling and terrifying out of nowhere.

"No. Who did this to you?"

Rebecca absent-mindedly raised a brow, questioning whether or not she had actually heard a sense of concern amongst his pointed words.

"No one but myself... I think?" Rebecca replied, sighing softly. She was pretty sure this was just part of her condition but perhaps it had been triggered by absurd amounts of stress. As she reflected on the years of pain, she realized that this wouldn't be the first time.

Zenos crossed his arms as he stared down at the young woman. This caused the long, white jacket resting upon his shoulders to fall slightly from where it was draped on his shoulders. In his mind, despite her unyielding defiance of his own power, he couldn't help but compare her to a cornered rabbit. A ghost of a smile crept along his face and a minuscule warmth flooded his chest as the mental image lingered. Though he quickly grew tired of her flowery words dancing around the matter.

This was a sentiment Rebecca also seemed to pick up on with how she struggled to sit up so she could properly speak. After a minute of squirming and a rainbow of muttered expletives, she finally returned her attention to the Garlean prince.

"I don't know why I'm bothering to tell you this, but this is all due to my disability." Rebecca's sights flickered up to read Zenos's expression. She noted the squint of intrigue and his subtle step forward. It took everything within her not to inquire about Garlean cruelty and what they did to hide that facet of life away from their glorious empire.

Seeing how Zenos didn't immediately lash out at her or mock her, she continued. "In my teen years, it got really bad to the point I couldn't leave my bed without excruciating pain. But through the practice of therapeutic methods and a lot of medical intervention, I overcame it. But every now and again it decides to say 'fuck you' and I've learned the hard way that I need to let it pass since powering through like you and so many other mighty warriors would only worsen it. So yeah, my body did this to me."

Rebecca's vision darted from Zenos who stood there, to the window for signs of an Imperial ambush, and back to Zenos. She searched for even the subtlest signs of an impending attack, any sign of threatening movement. Yet when Zenos's large, calloused hand launched forward it didn't grip her throat or clench to pummel her. It gripped her chin, jerking her head back slightly so their sights could fixate on each other once more. Zenos's voice remained deep and cool, yet its deafening rumble was no longer the result of a growl. It now seemed more in line with a purr as his thumb wandered along Rebecca's soft ivory skin.

"You've endured far more than I initially thought." The smile that had been lingering on his face had now stretched to a full grin. It was one that made the corners of his eyes crinkle ever so slightly. "Instead of wallowing in your miserable fate, you chose to fight against it and carve out your own way to become the warrior that continues to hold my unwavering attention as my only equal."

A small smile appeared on Rebecca's peach-painted lips in her pleasant surprise at not being ridiculed or made into a martyr for a spectacle. As Zenos continued to caress her cheek gingerly, she didn't even realize how she leaned into it.

"You're warm," Rebecca murmured more to herself rather than a way to continue the conversation. Her head began to rest with his palm as her eyes fluttered shut. "It's nice..."

To both parties' amazement, they stayed in this position for a few moments. Zenos had never been a part of such an intimate moment nor had he ever wanted to create one, but as Rebecca's silky skin squished beneath the pad of his thumb, he couldn't deny that growing flood of warmth once more. Truly, only Rebecca could make him feel such pleasures in and off the field of battle.

When Rebecca finally realized what position they found themselves in she quickly squirmed out of his grasp. Though as soon as she did, she shivered slightly.

"You know, if you want me back on the battlefield quicker there may be a way to help me."

Zenos finally sat down on the edge of her mattress. His blond strands swayed as Zenos tilted his head with interest.

Taking a shallow breath, Rebecca made her request. "I want you to lay with me for a bit. I don't have the technology I have at home and with how shaky I am I don't wanna risk setting the inn on fire with my magic."

Zenos's icy eyes revealed thrashing waves at such a demand, and his heart began heavily pumping in his broad chest. Surely, this wasn't from their proximity but from the impending thrill of an upcoming battle. Yet with no word of objection even entering his thoughts, the gargantuan Garlean prince nudged the Rosenfield princess further onto the mattress with all the gentleness his scarred heart could muster.

Her back pressed against his chest where both royals could feel the other's hammering heart. Zenos's toned arms wrapped firmly around her middle. His warmth seemingly cauterized the stab wounds that the imaginary knife had been cutting through all this time.

In another moment of peace, Rebecca eye's fluttered shut once more along with Zenos's. It wasn't long until the small girl's slightly labored breaths evened out to soft snores and the occasional incoherent mumble. Yet Zenos remained wide awake, his mind reflecting on the cornered rabbit he had hunted in his youth along with the stirring sensations within his core due to the one he now held in his arms.

Yet when Rebecca awoke hours later, she was no longer engulfed by the enemy's embrace. But she had been cocooned within the pure white coat that never faltered off of his shoulders. Yet it was still warm around her, even the sleeves that were splayed at her sides...

Taglist: @disneymarina @floweringforgetfulness @goldenworldsabound @canongf @hadesgoddess @singingdeepinme @nyandereneko @maskedanarchy-ships @violetsandmilk

[nvrfixxd]

one thing i’ve learned to appreciate myself for is that i am built for this i didn’t go through years of heart break and trauma as a child to not be able to get through life’s everyday battles i constantly find myself wanting to be left alone and unbothered when all i yearn for is someone to love me more than i love myself every mutual relationship i attempt whether it be a friend or a love interest just never lasts am i the problem or do i just make myself become the problem without realizing it most of it has to do with the fact that i am still scared to speak up and when i do its never what i truly want to say only a version to please others despite how terrible i feel about a situation which only leads to my misery i’m not comfortable with confrontation and when having to confront it still makes me feel like a child that isn’t allowed to speak unless spoken to i still find myself following rules my abusers made up that don’t exist which also leads to me allowing people to step on me hoping it would make others realize what they’re doing isn’t okay but in fact always ends up completely opposite and then people use that to their advantage i’m done going out of my way and forcing things that just aren’t meant to be i’m tired of always feeling bad about myself for not doing or being enough when all i do is enough despite how much turmoil i find myself dealing with everyday i still manage to put a pretty smile on my face and make others feel happy with my presence what is meant for me can and will come to me when the time is right i have so much faith good things are coming big changes are happening and all i need right now is me my best friend julianna and mi familia i love you to whoever is reading this and i hope you have an amazing week i’m proud of you for continuing to push through in this hellish world i have faith in you because if i can, trust and believe you can and will too.

[reikumaz]

he needs me, he needs me, he needs me, he needs me...

┊ ˚➶ ｡˚ ☁️ the fic it was originally meant to be in can be found here!

note: angsty scene that i cut from my ficlet! i cleaned it up a bit and tried to tie loose ends but didn’t wanna add too much more to it so some parts and transitions are a bit lackluster sorry! couldn't find a way to incorporate this scene so i shall post it on its own because i enjoyed it.

“rei… rei, please answer me… i know you’re in there,” you say softly, hand pressed against the well kept wood of rei's door.

silence.

“rei,” you’re growing desperate, your voice is shaking, its stead is breaking. how your throat narrows and collapses in on itself is almost too much to bare.

you try so hard. you have to be strong, strong for rei, strong for the both of you. you can’t let him hear you cry. the house of cards the two of you worked so hard to build will collapse in on itself, but you can’t hold in the pain the seeps into your veins, immersing within to become one with the ichor that makes you.

it's a tragedy fit for someone as reverent as rei.

your fingers curl into a fist, voice cracking as you call out for him again.

“i won’t leave you, rei, no matter how much you try to make me,” you sniffle against the door, pressing as close as you can into it, eyes close as you imagine the cold exterior is rei’s welcoming chest.

so you stay.

you stay against that door, your body weary, watch as remnants of your past go by, ghosts of better time gracefully leap through narrow halls.

you are silent, compressed your back to the only thing separating you and your boyfriend. you could be mistaken for a widow in mourning, wounds fresh from your lover's passing.

in some cruel twist of fate, that title feels almost fitting for you. you are but a soul devoted to the dead, a soul dedicated to the memory of old times.

"you are alive, rei," you remind him gently, voice soften with grief, a sigh passes, a sigh meant to be "a living being like the rest of us. you should join us out here,"

you let the melancholy wash over your skin in waves, the silence that persists only causes it to crash harder against your shore. you long for an answer, even if only a whisper to drift through the night.

you are not one to lose hope. after death.. comes life. rei used to ramble about that sort of thing, that there is more to this world than the misery forced into your realm. but rei would not let things be so simple. so you let your eyelids grow heavy, you allow them to shut to dream of a world of light, a world where you and rei can look back on this and joke as you used to. it’s only when you feel something heavy engulf your body you stir, eyesight blurry as you’re met with a figure towering over you. upon further inspection, you make out ritsu’s features. he’s saying something to you but you can’t make out what he’s saying. he incessantly tugs at your figure and he looks a bit distressed, proceeding to knock on his brother’s door and you catch a bit of watch he’s saying.

ritsu was demanding for his brother to open the door and something else with it. to no surprise, there’s no answer and ritsu looks like a kicked kitten, clutching your sleeve and pointing to his own room.

but your energy is gone. you can't move. it’s so hard to even imagine standing to your feet. your body yearns for your lover, to be let in and see him once more after so much time has managed to leave your vessel feeling abandoned by your soul. you slump onto the ground much to the other's dismay, bathing in the cool beams of moon.

the next morning, you open your eyes and you find yourself in the familiar setting that is rei’s room. immediately, you perk up and cast your eyes to every spot in the room in order to find your beloved boyfriend only to be met with an empty room and the lingering scent of his cologne in the air.

there is nothing, no loving arms to scoop your fragile state together, no warm lips to kiss your worries away. only an abyss of darkness as your eyes adjust themselves to the low lighting.

he could be outside elsewhere. he's waited for you outside his room before. yet, when you go to the kitchen you’re only met with his younger brother looking at you.

“anija left this an hour ago, he told me to make sure you get home safely.” he takes a bite of the cake he was eating, mumbling the next part more to himself rather than to you. “not that i needed that useless cretin to order me to do that, i planned on it regardless,”

with a sweet smile crossing his lips, he lifts the plate towards you. “want a bit- oh…”

tears have claimed their stake on your cheeks. when had you begun to cry?

rei is gone. again. once more he has eluded your grasp. he is running, running far away from you, from his family, from the people who surrounded him, from the world…

rei is gone. again. once more he has eluded your grasp. he has fled those he is scared of losing, running far away from you, from his family, from the people who surrounded him, from the world…

you know he is weary, that his mind is frantic trying to find any solution or outcome… that his shoulders must sag with all he feels he must carry. and you know he must not show it, must not be caught looking weak, or else that vulnerability will turn malleable then shaped into something much larger than it already is.

have you really failed at helping him in the moment he needed you the most? why can’t he just let you do this for him? you watched him slip away like the grains of sand of time through the very crevices of your fingers.

before you can spiral any deeper into the depths of the darker corners of your brain, you’re pulled into a rather tight, but fairly awkward embrace. it’s more ritsu clinging to you like a child than him holding you.

“i know what it’s like to never have him around, to have him gone when you need him the most. you know how that feels, too,” ritsu says monotonously, staying quiet before requesting, “don’t leave me, too, it’ll be like losing two siblings,”

the last sentence is all it took. the tears an endless cascade as they bead your eyes, vision obscured by the flood that spilled. the air rushing your lungs burns, albeit you’ve grown used to the fire kindled since the war has begun. it didn’t soften the blow, it never does, gasping for air as your throat constricts and smolders. you can’t breathe, it feels as though without rei, you’ve forgotten the fundamentals of life. without him, where could you turn to?

you continue to choke out sob after sob, sputtering words that were carelessly thrown to form a sentence but nothing formulated any truths.

eyes close, welcoming your world without rei; a pitch dark void.

[universalistotalis]

Fake boyfriend Sakusa Kiyoomi!!!

Masterlist!

Fake boyfriend Sakusa who clenches on nothing when you let go of his hand. He furrowed his brows at the eerie feeling settling in his chest. He tried to blink, tried to understand why there suddenly was the feeling of absense, of warmth. His eyes followed your form as you greeted your co- workers and friends, smiling softly at how you snorted at someone’s joke. But why were you over there and so far away? The grin was immediately replaced by a frown as he was fighting and restraining himself to join your conversations. And just be by your side.

Fake boyfriend Sakusa who would suddenly forget that everything is an act. He’d freeze every time you make the first move of linking your arms or kissing his cheek. He’d get so immersed in conversations with you that he’ll forget the crowds and the reason why you were both pretending in the first place.

Fake boyfriend Sakusa who yearns for your presence every waking moment. Every dreaming moment too, for that matter. He’s never been this attached to anyone before and it was an overwhelming feeling. And why did it have to be you of all people?! He hated clingy persons but here he was, becoming one.

Fake boyfriend Sakusa who gets so soft around you that his friends, especially his cousin, Komori, knows it’s not pretend anymore. Yes, Sakusa had past relationships but not like this. He was never serious nor SAPPY LIKE THIS! You had him wrapped around your finger and you don’t even know it!

Fake boyfriend Sakusa who sees red when someone has the nerve to flirt or look meaningfully at you. He knows how uncomfortable you feel whenever you’re approached by men like this so he makes sure to tower over those scumbags and scare them away. He also knows you can take care of them yourself but he wants to save you the misery.

Fake boyfriend Sakusa who may be a little bit (very) insecure about himself that he hesitates to admit his feelings. You were just too perfect and he didn’t know if he could be what you wanted… needed… He already accepted that he liked you a little too much but he was admiring you from afar even if you were centimeters away from him. You were his unreachable star and his heart ached when he thought of you two ending the act.

Fake boyfriend Sakusa who froze when you confessed on your last day together. One, you were too shy so WTF?!?!! Two, you liked him back? WTF?!?!! His mind and his heart were going faster than gallops of a race horse but he pulled himself together and kissed you senseless. You were saying something about respecting his decision of not seeing you again so he shut you up. He’d have to die before leaving you. He was yours, at your disposal, and can’t have it any other way.

I saw these kinds of posts and was obsessed! I loved them!!! So here’s my version of Sakusa, the best boyyyyy!!! AND HAVE U HEARD THIS GUY’S DEEP VOICE BECAUSE UGH 😫😫😫

Reblogs and replies are appreciated!

Love yall and please stay safe! The world’s in shambles right now and I’m praying for those who are greatly affected. Honestly, I feel powerless with what’s happening but we can still help spread awareness!

Masterlist!!!

[ilycorisradiata]

smitten

ಌ smitten: xiao x gn!reader

ಌ theme: a waging war, the last dance with your lover on the opposite side of the fight. you lay limp, and he cries for you... as he is the one who dealt this damage on you- but rejoice, as you have won what mattered most

ಌ cw: SFW, angst, gender neutral reader, you die in the arms of xiao, cross-posted on ao3

ಌ wc: 480

ಌ notes: another little drabble, gender neutral this time ! i'm not 100% on this one, but i'd like to improve my wording and my fiction writing, so i'll post it anyway :D i added a special type of font in this, please let me know if this messes up anything within this piece !

You were absolutely smitten. Despite the numerous times where he had disappointed you, you always ran back to him. Nobody secretly adored you like he did, nobody took care of you like he had. So, to have him hold you, bloodied and bruised, felt like a dream. He’d done this, of course. Nothing short of affection, he kept you in his arms and cried for you. Crying out for someone, yearning for a better chance. Beg, cry, and weep for me. His sophisticated fingers, dancing along your skin, spreading the red blood around trying to keep you conscious. If he had truly wanted you alive, why did he betray you? He should have broke sooner, then you could piece him back together, make him entirely dependent on you. Your sharp inhales, blood in your lungs overfill.

What an honour, to lay witness to true despair on your lovers face as you slowly part from them in the living world. Encapsulated by his emotions, the emotions he refused to share before. What a sight to see, and what an amazing feat to be your last waking moments with him. Having your last dance together, twirling and evading the hits, only to succumb to what you are now. You are nothing but a limp being, watching as large drops of misery fall from above. Could things have been different? A catalyst, you were the one to stir such a disaster. The last to push forward, the last to die to the hands of the adepti.

Seeking out what could have been, despite your lover knowing who you were from the beginning. Turning against you, all with his might to show he was against such an abyss of melancholy hope of flipping the world over from what it once was. Thwarted dreams of his to have this raging war vanish, only for him to end up fighting you in the end. So, why does he cry? Why does he hurt for you? The elegance of his emotions, a turmoil of whether he should really cry for someone such as you. Fog laying thickly upon you, the romanticised parting. He had already lost so many; couldn’t you have stayed? Like a delicious last meal, you eat up what was left of his sanity. A karmic exploitation.

If time had paused, it felt like an eternity. He protected you, especially from a broken doll… Someone who was not from this world. He’d fallen for the enemy, and that was something you were a victor of. Rejoice, as you have won what mattered most. You were no longer the unloved, the unforgiven. As the ḏ̷̡̛̛̖̙͚̟̘͓̺̥̲̣̱́̓͂̇̓̅̑͐͒̈͋͘͜ę̶̪͉̘̺̳̗̞̝͕͖̫̫̲̮̈́̾̏̊̓̉̈̒͐̓̐͘͝v̴̨̛̰̖́͂̇̄̓̿̌͛͌̿̉́͛̔į̵̟̘̖̪̺̳̗̅͒̅̀̎͐̈̌͗̇̌̓̄̕ͅl̴͇͙̱̳̲͉̺͕͇͚̠̗̣͊̇̍̎̀̋͠ wraps you up in his warm embrace, laying out your punishment, you mutter your last breath, like a sword that danced through the many of those that lay near you. You smile.

“I like it most when you cry, dear Alatus...”

[queen-dahlia]

𝐃𝐞𝐬𝐢𝐝𝐞𝐫𝐢𝐮𝐦

Pairing: Gilbert x Emma

❝Desiderium : an ardent desire or longing especially : a feeling of loss or grief for something lost.❞

A/N : This was inspired from a poem by @atelieredux! Many thanks for being my beta-reader for this fic! Thank you for taking the time to read and sharing your points of view 🙏🏻💖 Please check out her amazing works! 😇😇😇 Also thank you as well from a dear friend in FB who added some fuel even though she wanna kill me after reading this 😆

WARNINGS : tw: major character death (not Gilbert) tw: grief, tw: angst, tw: anxiety, tw: depression (of the suitor).

She was his first love, and he pledged to protect her, but he felt worthless now as he brought her body closer to him, the love of his life dying in his arms.

She's too weak to move her hand and wipe away his tears, nor even expressed how much she loved him. As her eyes slowly closed, she prayed that Gilbert would forgive her for leaving the world so soon, for not fulfilling the promises of marrying him in just a few months and growing old together. She wished that he would find his happiness again. Even if that happiness no longer includes her.

The prince sobs as he holds her lifeless body to him tightly, hands trembling as he kisses her forehead and finally, on her lips.

~~~~~

Family and friends mourned at her tomb while the prince remained in his chamber, staring at her portrait with uncontrollable tears streaming down his cheeks.

~~~~~

Before falling asleep, and even in his dreams, all he could see was her smiling face.

The places where they would usually go now suffocated him because they are filled with their memories and promises.

Oh, how he yearned for her. He longed for her warmth, lovely voice, and gentleness. He missed her embrace when he returned home. 

He missed her telling him "Everything's going to be okay" whenever he was having a bad day. He missed the "I love you" before they went to bed and when they woke up.

~~~~~

Gilbert could never forget her, and every breath he took hurt.

She was the only one who accepted him and saw him as a human rather than a trampling beast. The only person who could always make him happy. The only woman who cared about him despite his cruel humanity. She was the only one who kept him sane and prevented him from conducting violent or murderous deeds.

She gave him love and hope. But now she was gone forever, abandoning him in this cruel world.

He may still be smiling as if nothing had occurred, but deep inside he was dying. His heart was constantly being torn apart, and his soul screamed in pain and misery. In the end, Gilbert became more ruthless and heartless than ever.

Days turned into years of agony. The prince always believed that this was his punishment for trampling on other people's hearts. For taking the lives of others before meeting her. For loving someone so pure as her.

~~~~~

His eyes fluttered open from the cold breeze. Gilbert sighed, wishing he could be with her in his dreams and not have to wake up. He stood up and brushed aside the dry leaves on his lover's grave.

When he saw her name again on her gravestone, memories of her flooded back into his head like a river. The way she spoke gently to him, how much she loved him, her charming smile, and how she looked him in the eyes with sincere affection.

He'd never felt so loved before. His experience was ethereal. Yes, it was a wonderful feeling. 'Love', on the other hand, was something he never wanted to experience again.

They died together, her physical life and his ungrateful heart. He believed in the next life and vowed to himself that he would always do the right thing for her.

Gilbert smiled as he kneeled in front of her grave... But it was a melancholy smile. Tears begin to fall from his crimson eye, and he whispered:

     "Someday, somewhere, somehow... You and I will be together again..."

[bonky-n-steeb]

this probably isn’t a good idea but this has been bobbing in my head for awhile…what if bucky had killed one of y/n’s close family members like their sibling or parent(s) or anything like that while he was winter soldier and they’re one of the people on bucky’s list in tfatws to make amends and he’s like taking them on dates and stuff to show them he’s sorry and he remembers their family member and bucky ends up catching feelings for them??

this is probably a TERRIBLE idea and i’m probably making myself look DUMB MAYBE U COULD MAKE IT A LOT BETTER IDKXKENDDN I ADORE YOU AND YOUR BLOG EEEE

Thank you!!!! You made me blush. 🥰 This is an AMAZING idea and I’ll come there and bonk you if you ever again say it’s terrible. Ily 😘 I hope you like it!

the sun and the shadow

𝙗𝙪𝙘𝙠𝙮 𝙗𝙖𝙧𝙣𝙚𝙨 𝙭 𝙧𝙚𝙖𝙙𝙚𝙧

𝙬𝙖𝙧𝙣𝙞𝙣𝙜𝙨 || angst with a happy ending

this is not proofread :/

This reminds of that post I’d seen where it was like you go on a date with Bucky and he tells you he killed your grandma 😂

Bucky wanted to tell you. He really did. But how could he? How could he tell you about his heinous crimes when you were all he had.

Bucky still remembered your first meeting. He had cancelled the names above you on the list and now it was your turn. It was simple, he was going to confess and apologise and walk away towards a new day.

His therapist had said it would help him. He still didn’t know how removing the scabs on his wounds would ever be good for him; but he did it nonetheless.

And it was probably helpful. He could sleep much better at night knowing that there wasn’t anything to hide anymore. But he would never say this out loud; he had a grumpy reputation to maintain after all.

But then he’d met you. You were waiting for some blind date at a restaurant when he had approached you. He was about to introduce himself but before that, you’d considered him to be your blind date.

You couldn’t believe that the white wolf was your blind date. The one and only Bucky Barnes. Like were the avengers on tinder too?

Bucky thought maybe it was for the better and had started talking with you. I’ll tell her at the end of the night, he told himself. But just like your actual date, the end of the night never came.

And one date, extended to two; and two became three, and it went on. Bucky hadn’t told you he wasn’t your actual date and neither did he tell you that he had killed your only brother.

He had been on a mission where along with a few others, he had killed your brother. Back then, the soldier didn’t feel any remorse. He wasn’t programmed to feel. But now the guilt ate him every moment of his life.

He knew that the day the truth would spill out, was the day you’d leave him. And just the thought of losing you brought upon immeasurable pain.

You were filled with life and your eyes twinkled with hope as you spoke and he couldn’t blame himself for wanting to have a share of your light. You were the sun and he was the shadow.

There wouldn’t be a shadow without the sun just like there wouldn’t be darkness without light. And he too would cease to exist without you.

Hydra had sucked out his memories and emotions. And even after his memories were back, he never thought he’d ever feel again. But then you made him feel.

He felt proud when you laughed at his jokes and he felt happy when you baked cookies. He felt jealous when someone looked at you the wrong way and he felt sad when you cried. Most importantly, he felt love every time he saw you.

But today was going to be the most difficult day he was yet to live. Today was your brother’s death anniversary and you had trusted him enough to ask him to be with you when you visited your brother’s grave.

He couldn’t deny you that. But he couldn’t keep this secret any longer either. He was finally going to tell you. Even if you slapped him and walked away, he would take the pain you gave willingly.

Bucky patiently waited for you in his car. When you came out of your house and sat besides Bucky, your eyes were red rimmed and he was pretty sure you had cried the previous night.

He asked you if you were fine and only when you nodded did he start his car. The entire ride you both were silent. You were lost in the memories of your brother while he was debating when to tell you.

When you reached the graveyard, you walked towards your brother’s grave while Bucky stood at a distance. He knew you needed some alone time with him.

You placed the flowers you had brought near the gravestone and quietly leaned against it. You wanted to tell him so much, but at the same time you couldn’t quite speak a word.

Never in your life had you thought he’d leave you so soon. But fate was cruel and death always took the best people. You just hoped he was happy and at peace wherever he was.

Every year after his passing, you’d come here and tell him the highlights of your year. This time was no different; you him about your promotion, your new car and most importantly Bucky.

Bucky was nothing like you’d expected him to be. He was caring, resourceful and loyal. He was a gentleman through and through. You were sure your brother and Bucky would be friends if he were alive.

Once you were done, you walked towards Bucky with a smile. He on the other hand looked tense and worried. “I want to tell you something.”

You nodded him to go ahead. “I… I killed your brother.” There was no point sugar coating it. Now that it was out of his system, he felt much better; though he knew what was to come.

“What?” You couldn’t digest words that fell on your ear. “When I was the winter soldier.. I, uh… I murdered him.”

He saw how your face crumbled, how your nose scrunched up and how the tears rushed to your eyes. You opened your mouth to say something, but nothing came out.

You walked behind until your back hit a tree and sagged against it. “Go away. Please.” Your voice was hoarse from all the crying and there was an underlying pain in it.

Bucky wanted to hold you and tell you how much he loved you. But the he was cause of your misery, wasn’t he? He had been selfish; if he had told you on the first day itself you wouldn’t feel this heartbreak.

Holding your head in your palms, you tightly closed your eyes and refused to watch him walk away. And the only question you asked to god, again and again was, why?

~~~

The tv screen was playing some football match as Bucky sat on the floor of his house, loathing himself. There were discarded beer bottles and leftover chips just laying around on the floor.

He knew he was supposed to clean the house and go to work. But he didn’t feel like doing anything. No matter what he did, your thought never left his mind.

He missed it when the first time it happened, but the second time his ears perked up when he heard the bell go off. Someone was here to visit him. He was 99% sure it must be Sam.

Before answering, he checked his phone. He almost gasped when he noted it been two whole days since the incident and he hadn’t even realised. God lord, he needed to get it together.

When he opened the door, he saw the last person he expected to, you. You offered him a bright smile when you saw him and he returned it back. Everything didn’t seem so difficult anymore.

“Um, hey!” He didn’t know why your mood suddenly became awkward. He followed your eyes and looked down. He wanted to smack himself when he realised he was practically naked save for his boxers.

“Oops! Wait a minute!” Bucky replied as he sprinted back into his bedroom. It wasn’t as if you hadn’t seen him in his boxers, but right now it was purely awkward.

When he came back, he was wearing a Henley and sweatpants. “Hi!” He shyly ran his hands through his hair. “I thought it was… over.” Bucky felt heavy even while saying it out loud.

“Do you want it to be?” Your intentions of coming here were much different. “No. I…” Bucky couldn’t say anything further. “I want us to be together.”

Bucky stared at you as if he’d seen a ghost. Did you just say that or was he imagining it? “But I…” You sighed as you began speaking,

“Yeah I know. I thought a lot in these two days. What you did wasn’t up to you. I can’t blame you for what hydra did. It wasn’t at all your fault.

And Bucky I love you.” Without being able to stop for a moment, he engulfed you into a bear hug. “You… you forgive me?” He was the happiest he had ever been.

“Bucky, there is nothing to forgive. But if it makes you happy, then yes I forgive you.” Oh, how had Bucky yearned to listen to those words.

“I have to tell you two things too.” You pouted, what did he want to tell you now? “Second, I’m not your actual blind date. I came there to tell you about your brother but you considered me your date and I couldn’t stop you.”

Bucky was shocked to see you laughing. “I… I know!” Bucky stared at you with wide eyes. “That idiot called me a day later and told me his boss told him to work over time so he couldn’t come. And I knew it definitely wasn’t you who was supposed to be coming.”

Bucky chuckled as he pulled you closer. “And what’s the first thing?” You asked in a sultry tone. “The first thing is,… I love you.”

You pulled his face down and kissed him. “As much as I love you, I need you to take a bath Bucky. You stink!” Bucky winked back, “Anything for you doll.”

[simp4ace]

meeting Sabo again after a long time of longing and separation

A/N: So I just want to try writing something soft, but with my broken heart, I have a bad tendency to make things look worse at first. But don't worry, there's fluff and maybe a bit suggestive at the end >< Therefore I hope you guys enjoy it. And no, I'm not very good at writing romance, I'm learning, please be kind and give me any recommendation so that I can improve myself. Love you all! <3

WC: 752

warning: a bit angst, and a bit suggestive, but more kiss and fluff hehe

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

You cannot sleep. It's past midnight now; the full moon is gleaming through the clouds, and the moonlight - just like silver silk - dangles from the window, settling peacefully on your bedsheet. You let out a sigh, feeling the sadness and lonesome slowly grow in your heart. Sabo has gone on a mission for a time that feels like forever, and your patience is at its limit. You understand that his job is dangerous and busy and all, but...

You just miss him...Too much.

And it's hurt not seeing him in such a long time. Four months? Five months? You don't know anymore.

What if you are being too selfish? Too pettiness? What if Sabo won't love a girl like you no more when he knows those ugly thoughts? You know very well that he, more than anyone, loves freedom and impunity. Love is not an excuse for tying him in one place.

You feel the tears welling up in your eyes, as a wave of melancholy overwhelmed all over your body. This is bad! You sob, trying hard to choke back the tears, but it's no use. Tears start streaming down and you tremble with all the tangled thoughts of yours.

'Y/n?' A small, surprised voice resounds in the dark, the voice that you have been craving for it days and nights.

You turn to the door, which is now opened. Your vision is blurry, you cannot see clearly at all, yet you still can recognize the iconic top hat of your loved ones.

'Sabo?' You let out a broken voice, disbelief. Is it for real?

Sabo puts his package down, hurry to your bed, worry in his voice when he sits down, throwing his arm around you.

'Y/n? What's happened?' He gently sweeps always the tears, so that you can see his face more clearly now. It's the same Sabo you love so much; his deep, blue ocean eyes under the scar, his neatly combed curly blonde hair. It's Sabo. It's Sabo. Those words repeat themselves in your mind continuously.

'Sabo!' You cry out, pulling him into a tight hug. You snuggle into his neck; the familiar scent makes you feel safe and sound as you hug him even tighter. In a flash, all the misery and yearning faded. You don't say no word, but Sabo seems to get it all at once. He runs his hands through your loose hair, pulling you even closer to him. His voice cracks as he whispers his apology into your ears. Your heart flutters with his words, you can feel the love and longing of him for you. And you think of how silly you were, worrying all over the trivial things. In the end, it does not matter anymore as long as both of you still think of each other.

You burst into tears again, but now in happiness. Sabo rubs your back in small circles, keeps whispering softly and now, which each word he would give you a gentle kiss. He kisses away your tears, pecks your nose, puts a kiss here and there all over your face, and caresses your lips with endless smooches.

'I miss you like crazy, y/n' Sabo sighs between two breaths, his hands now wandering down to your waist, gently squeezing it. You can almost feel the heat starts rising, slowly and tenderly, as if someone had lit a fire in your lower abdomen. Shivers run down your spine as now Sabo's kisses become deeper, hungrier, and more demanding. You bury your hands into his hair, clinging to him because somehow you have lost all your strength; your body shudders with each time your tounges meet each other, making weird yet lustful sounds. His breath becomes heavier, and you can see your ecstatic face reflected in his burning gazes.

'May I?' Sabo smiles softly at you, knowing too well that you can't say no to him.

'Just promise me one thing.' You murmur, pulling him down on the bed.

'Yes, darling?'

'Next time, please make sure to write me a letter once a week. I'm worried about not hearing anything from you. And you suck with the den den mushi!'

Sabo giggles. Love and pampering fill his eyes.

'I will write for you every day if it's alright, my lady.'

He lay a soft kiss on your cheek and pulls the blanket over two of you.

The silver moonlight shines through the window, spreading across the floor, and so the moon outside seems to shimmer more than ever.

[mggpleasedontlookhere]

liar liar pt. 2

request: I have a request, the reader is dating Spencer, and she and JJ are the ones that know that Emily faked her death. I’m thinking of it taking place in “It Takes A Village,” and she has to deal with Spencer being upset with her, like he was with JJ, but it has a fluff ending? Thanks!

for: @flklrevrmre

word count: 2,192                                                                                     reading time approx: 9 mins

a/n: i hope you enjoy this ending ;) and i’m elated to have so many new friends on my taglist.

masterlist

pt. 1

My ring finger traced the circumference of the wine glass I was drinking out of, while my eyes followed the marble trails of Rossi’s countertop. The team was giggling and chatting amongst themselves as I secluded myself. My thoughts were captured by my insecurities, paralyzing every fun bone I had in my body. Occasionally, I would contribute to their conversations, but only enough that I didn’t make myself seem bereaved. 

After a while, it became apparent that I wasn’t participating in the festivities, which conjured Emily and JJ to step away from the group, joining me. “Hey…” JJ eased into small talk, stuffing her hands into her pocket as she approached me. I replied with a light smile, their presence uplifting my current state. 

I knew what they wanted to say. I knew what they were going to ask. 

Spencer. 

“How are you holding up Y/N?” Emily hesitantly brought herself into the conversation. They both gazed at me with doe eyes, tenderness evident in their touch as they resided beside me. 

I took my lip in between my teeth, shaking my head as the fatigue had finally caught up to me. My chest throbbed from being sore all week, my shoulders were frail from being uneasy all the time, and my heart burned with self-reproach. With every passing day, I felt my limbs grow limp and my soul go numb. In contradiction, the two halves of my brain battled one another till my doubts were left to torment me further. 

With the silent response, JJ and Emily shared glances of disquietude, pondering their next steps. “Y/N?” JJ called out softly, laying a tender hand on top of mine. “You took a burden alone. That doesn’t mean you have to go through it alone,” she murmured, nodding to Emily. 

“Y/N, I can’t help but feel like this is my fault,” Emily lamented. “I just...tell me that there’s a way I can help.” 

“There’s nothing either of you can do…” I smiled bitterly, glancing at both of them. I squeezed JJ’s hand, feeling a film cast over my eyes. “And Emily, you had to protect Declan,” I empathize, using my other hand to pull her into a side hug. “I would’ve done the same.” 

“I can tell,” Emily looked at me with somber reverence. “Especially for what you did for Spence.” 

Another pang hit the center of my chest, making my ribcage sting. The mention of his name made my skin crawl instead of making my heart flutter like it used to. I wordlessly winced at Emily’s notice, trying to conceal it the best I can. “And I would do it again,” I declared, meaning every word. “I’d burn the entire world if it meant making sure that he isn’t alone. I...I know what it feels like to be confined in your head--it’s something me and him share. It’s a merciless place.” 

“You really do love him, don’t you?” 

“More than I can ever fathom.” 

I  stared at the ceiling, letting my tears travel back inside of my head. I shut my eyes, feeling a deep burn envelop my eyelids from all the crying I’ve done previously. “I spoke to him,” Emily brought up. 

My attention instantly shifted to her, prompting her to elaborate. “I spoke to him when we wrapped up that case in New York,” she explained. I unknowingly leaned over, listening intently to her story. “We had a conversation about everything--you. I won’t get into details because that’s between you and Spencer, but I did encourage him to come tonight.” 

My nerves did small somersaults, unable to process the new piece of information. “Are you sure?” I falteringly asked. 

“I’m sure he’ll come.” 

But he didn’t. 

A few hours had passed, and there was no evidence of Spencer’s attendance. With another disappointment, the burden of my thoughts pried at my most vulnerable parts. 

I had enough. 

I rose from my seat, bidding everyone adieu as I excused myself to the backyard. Amid the formalities, I assured everyone of my well-being and that I would return soon. Their persistent objections were loud, loud enough to stifle the opening of the front door as I stepped outside.

I felt the cool air caress my shoulders while crickets chirped a nightly symphony. The moon glowed with elegance, and stars painted the sky in an ethereal light. From a distance, it looked as if the planets were mere neighbors greeting one another. 

It was beautiful; it took me out of the confines of my mind. 

Chatter can still be heard in the background, but somehow it blended nicely with the lively sounds of night creatures. Although what I didn’t realize was the thump of approaching footsteps behind me. 

“Hey,” muttered a hushed voice. 

The instant I recognized the presence, my entire body stiffened. The inside lights cast a shadow on the wooden porch I sat on, displaying a lanky silhouette on the ground. I couldn’t bring myself to move, let alone speak. My tongue was pierced against the roof of my mouth, petrified to unpack the situation at hand. 

He responded to my silence with a reluctant step towards me. Even in our circumstances, I can still feel his presence lingering on the soft skin of my back, making the little hairs stand. Our proximity was slowly closing in with every soft thud until he was eventually situated next to me. 

I unconsciously looked over my shoulder, opposite of him, to avoid his curious stare. I shut my eyes, isolating myself in my mind in the hopes that this was a dream. But the frequent trembles of my stomach told me otherwise. 

“Y/N?” he called out delicately. “Y/N...please,” he attempted to brush my hand with his fingers, but by instinct, I retracted them with swiftness. A bolt of electricity shot up my arm from Spencer’s touch, a cruel remeberance of the fervor we used to share. My fingertips shivered at the loss of contact, but the static sensation remained. 

“Y/N, I know that you probably don’t want to talk to me--and you have every right to…” he babbled. “...but I just--please just listen to me.” 

But I refused, every word that fell from his supple lips made the echo in my head boisterous. 

I was a mistake. 

I was a mistake. 

I was a mistake. 

I bit the inside of my cheek, feeling my abdomen clench in misery. The sensation traveled deep into my chest, pulling me in different directions. My throat cinched up, and the coldness wandered all over my body. Every muscle in me cried out in anguish, unable to persevere through the exhaustion that I’ve let consume me. 

“Y/N-” 

“Please just go…” I whispered, choking on the aching sobs rising in my esophagus. 

“I’ll leave...I promise,” he muttered in a pained voice. “But just...please, let me say this.” 

Newfound tears threatened to spill over my eyes, the sorrow in his voice creating a void in me. With the little compassion I had left, I turned around facing his direction. Although I didn’t dare to acknowledge his gaze, instead, I settled my attention on the wood below. 

“I know that it’s hard to get through to me, and I know I get stuck in my head,” he began, lowering his head. “You and I both know how hopeless it gets being alone there.” 

He twiddled his fingers as he spoke, an implication of his distress. An infinitesimal part of me still yearned to comfort the man, to ease his worries away, but I didn’t have to courage to do so. 

“When I get into that space, I get...I get frightened by the doubts that my mind conjures up,” he admits. “Everyone looks at me as the genius--the expectation given to me. But, only you and JJ look at me for who I am instead of who I must be for the team.” 

His voice started to crack in between his words, his deliverance laced with dejection and bitterness. I rang my fingers over the textured floorboards, distracting myself from the swelling ache in my heart. 

“But you Y/N…” he whispered, gazing at me with a rueful adoration. “You alone bring so much light into the obscurity of my mind. You...you make all my pains go away with nothing but a glance of your smile, ” he chuckled pitifully. “Y/N, you-” 

“You told me I was mistake…” I croaked, ignoring the sharp twinge in my throat. 

I finally met his gaze with a weary expression. His hair was slightly disheveled, and the bags encompassing his eyes were prominent. But it was the torment evident in them that was the most striking. His irises failed to gleam of their usual autumn hazel, and the golden specks scattered across the tender hue were dull. 

“I...I know,” he struggled to admit. “But, I was wrong-” 

“You...you told me I was your biggest mistake,” I reiterated, my voice coming off shaky and unstable. “Reid, you…” I paused, my pitch elevating as a whimper loomed to escape my lips. “You hurt me...so much, Reid.” 

I scoffed, my vision going blurry from impending tears. Spencer hung his head in remorse, combing his hand through his curls as he attempted to keep his composure. An uneasy silence ensued that not even the blissful sounds of wildlife can mask the tautness in the air. 

“I...I know,” he muttered quietly. “JJ, she told me the truth after our...after what happened at the station during the case,” he confessed. “You did all that...you took all the blame, just, so I had someone to be there with me.” 

I sighed, shutting my eyes at his admission. “I didn’t...I couldn’t bear the thought of you going through it alone,” I affirmed. 

“But you…” Spencer paused, shaking his head at himself. “You...did it all alone.” 

All of my guards fell at the utterance of his words. My heart throbbed, and my chest ultimately gave out. Suppressed sobs wracked my entire being, slipping past my tired lips with ease. My head felt faint, and my shoulders slumped. Agony coursed throughout my body, feeling it prick every inch of my skin. 

Spencer shifted next to me in an instant, engulfing me in his arms. There I wailed and cried every tear that was humanly possible. I set free the entrapped painful sentiments I’ve burrowed under my stubbornness, and I let the numbness drift out of my body. All that was left was the carcass of my grief and an apprehensive heart. 

“I’m sorry Y/N...I’m so sorry,” Spencer repeated, cradling me back and forth while he tried to mask his whimpers. 

For most of the night, we stayed in each other’s embrace as the moonlight graced our figures. My face was delved into the cleft of his neck, and his chin laid snugly on my head. The rise and fall of my chest was still erratic, but it was in a much healthier state than before. Our combined breathing was the only distinguishable sound floating in the air after we had steadied ourselves. 

The party inside was subdued, and the chatter was nonexistent. The lights were still on, but it seemed that the team had moved elsewhere to celebrate their festivities. Before long, the quiet around us ceased as Spencer broke the silence. 

“Y/N?” Spencer whispered. 

I nudged my face further into his neck, prompting him to continue. 

“What I said...the horrible things that I told you, you have to know that they’re not true,” he lamented, taking my balled-up fists into his palms. “Y/N, you’re far from a mistake. The biggest mistake I’ve made to date is making you believe that,” he croaked. 

“Spencer...what you did-” 

“Wait--just--let me finish,” he nodded, playing with my hands. “Y/N, you bring color into what I see...yo-you bring color into everything that I do,” he professed, stumbling over his words. “You make it easy to wake up every day and do what we need to do because I know I get to wake up next to you.” 

His lips began to tremble, and his hands began to shake. Instinctively, I cupped his hands and brought them close to my chest. 

“I…I love you...so much, Y/N,” he whimpered. “And I hate myself for making you feel like you were comparable to anyone else, or that you were insignificant.” 

I pressed small kisses to his knuckles, knowing that it would calm him down. I felt a pang hit my torso in Spencer’s discomfort, igniting the part of me that longed to console him. I observed the collapse of his stature and the decomposed state of his demeanor, his appearance visibly in plight. 

“Truth be told, Y/N. You are the most significant thing in my life…” he whispered. “You make me whole.” 

As he finished his declaration, tears welled up in both our eyes for the last time. “Spence…” I breathed, basking in the warmth that his eyes radiated, despite his desperation. 

“Loving you...is one of the greatest thing I will ever do.”

-

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[lyallblacklupin]

Hey. I don't know if you are still taking prompts... but if so, I may have a challenge for you. 😉

Remus has to stay in the hospital wing for longer than usual. Sirius is secretly dating Remus and can't stand being away even though Madame Pomfrey says no visitors.

Thank you for such a cute prompt. I hope I have written just like you wanted. <333 Happy Reading! Stay Magical!

Rating: Teens and Up Audience.

The night was befalling as the walls of Hospital Wing started darkening, and the torches around the room ignited flames automatically with a thud. The room is filled with utter silence of the unoccupied beds with Remus Lupin being an exception, laying exasperatedly awake with bandages wrapped around his left leg. His stomach growled but it was the least he cared about because of the aching on the tips of his fingers and toes as his chest was in a constant state of agitation. He wanted something. No, he was craving for someone. He couldn’t stop his brain from the race of unwanted thoughts.

What if he doesn’t want me anymore?

What if he has realized that I’m not worth dating?

What if he is better off with my absence?

Suddenly, his thoughts came to a halt when his senses heightened with someone’s fastidious and highly familiar presence. Remus didn’t even have to look to recognize because it was none other than Madam Pomfrey. He loved her but not momentarily—infact not from the past five days who had strictly banned any visitors since his and Sirius’ fight. Speaking of, he shut his eyes as the memory enrolled in his mind all over for the hundredth time.

“I could have killed you!”

“But you almost killed yourself!” Yelled the boy who Remus was in love with.

“That is the last thing to be worrying—“ But he was not finished when the boy lunged at him and yanked him by his fists clutching his hospital dress, bringing him eye to eye and nose to nose as he growled, “Don’t you ever fucking say that. If you don’t care a shit about yourself then at least care about me! Us! But you don’t! You don’t care about us! Fuck you, Lupin!”

Remus’ heart was hammering in his chest, the pain of his broken leg was long forgotten. The tears glistened in the boy’s hard eyes. And before he could lift him his hand to hold his jaw, to soften the clenched face, to wipe his hurt away, Madam Pomfrey burst inside with her raging thunder.

“Mr. Black! Hands off this instant! How dare you bully a patient like that!? And within the Hospital Wing!” And he loosened his grasp which left Remus with an empty feeling in his chest. Even if he was being held brutally, he didn’t care because he was held by the foremost person in his life. The person he would never wish to leave.

“He’s my—“ He tried but his voice was a whimper in comparison to Madam Pomfrey’s.

“A week’s detention Mr. Black for scaring my patient like that! None of your friends will ever visit the Hospital Wing! Now off you go before I take away the house points!”

He gave Remus one last look of misery, tears still swimming in his heaven-made silver eyes, and scurried away from the hospital.

Remus numbly watched Pomfrey re-bandage his wounds. He suddenly felt so despondent and lonely after rethinking everything. He had hurt his favorite person in the world. And all that person had done was the care and love him with his deepest sincerity. He also knew that his lycanthropy had always been on his mind that even led him to convince the rest of his friends to become Animagis just to protect Remus from hurting himself. And now Remus had done the very same thing by not allowing his pack to accompany him to the last full moon. His broken leg and severe wounds were the aftermaths of his isolated transformation

He didn’t want to admit that he regretted his decision because deep down inside he had been unbound from the usual fretfulness of hurting his friends. He’d been better off hurting himself than hurt them, especially Sirius Black.

Now, it had been five days and Remus had not seen him. Neither James nor Peter.

“Ma’am?” He didn’t realize he had called her before she looked at him in question while applying the salve on the half-healed wound. He hissed in pain but asked anyway, “When am I getting discharged from this bed and these walls?” The bitterness cut through his voice sharply which made Pomfrey look up in surprise.

“Well, Remus. I expect to call me Poppy instead of Ma’am after five years I’ve been treating you.” Remus suddenly felt hot with embarrassment, “And it will take few more days until your walk starts, and then you’ll be well enough to join your classes and friends.”

The way she spoke, Remus felt like he had centuries to wait. He flopped down on his bed again with disappointment, the hollowness in his chest created a bigger void. A Sirius Black void. He needed it to be filled by that very person. The longing was more than Remus expected, intense enough to cause burning in his eyes as his throat began to constrict gradually, tightening his chest. He held himself until his throat had turned thorny. He let out a shaky breath and tears spilled down his temple, founding their place in his already messy hair. He cried silently. He ached and ached until sleep drifted him away.

Even in his dreams, he saw dark hair rippling like the black sea, shiny grey eyes like silver orbs, and fair skin like snow accompanied with pink flushes on the dips of the body. And then he saw a hand reaching out to him and just as he tried to grasp it, the hand flew away with a burning brush on his arm. The sensation was warm enough to jerk him from his unconsciousness. Remus’ eyes opened up to the same ceilings of the hospital wings. The room was still inky blue. He saw his dinner tray on the nightstand in which the food had gotten cold and dry. He immediately touched his left arm where the same sensation was tingling his skin. Or maybe he just felt it in reality? But no one was there. Remus was alone and cold.

He tried closing his eyes again, feeling no appetite at all, but he sensed a faint noise of rustle. He ignored it before it came back again with a feeling of fingers brushing his arm again. He sat up abruptly, clutching his sheets to his chest. His eyes were scanning the room desperately when—

“Moony?” Remus screamed when he saw Sirius’ head appear in the mid-air. Sirius rush ahead to put his hand on his mouth, “Shh! Please! I don’t want to get more detentions, Moony!”

It was all too much to process; Sirius appearing like a genie with no body—before he pulled off the Invisibility Cloak, and Sirius’ warm and sweaty hand on Remus’ mouth, and most importantly, Sirius was here in front of him after five fucking days. He removed his hand once Remus calmed down.

“Look, Moony, I’m sorry—“ He never got to the end of it because Remus shoved Sirius in his embrace. The embrace that was yearning for Sirius only. He thought he might have thrown away anyone if they had tried hugging him before his boyfriend. Remus squeezed him impossibly closer and tighter. He was clutching him like a lifeline. He had his face nuzzled in Sirius’ chest. His fragile arms were strongly wrapped around Sirius’ torso. He was relishing the scent, the touch, the love, and everything he had missed.

“Fuck, I missed you, Pads.” He grunted in his collarbone, “I was longing for you…”

“I’m here.” Sirius cooed in his ear, pressing a kiss beneath it, “And I’m not going.”

“You’ll have to,” He chuckled, traveling his hands to find Sirius’ and intertwined them both.

“Eventually, yes but don’t ruin the moment, Moony.” Remus was torn between tightening his embrace or pulling away to gaze at Sirius’ face but then he felt the other move away. They parted from their lingering hug, and Sirius delicately held Remus’ face and bent down to kiss him. Remus felt his body was set on fire. They kissed languidly at first until their desires amplified their passion. Sirius dug his knees on the bed while Remus complied by pulling him in his lap. Suddenly, his boyfriend gasped and jerked away.

“Remus! Your leg is broken and—I’m sorry!”

“Hey, hey, it’s okay. It’s just my calf area. I was not hurt okay?” Remus shushed him, peppering kisses on Sirius’ hands. The other boy nodded but frown still sitting on his face. He sat against him on the bed and Remus didn’t leave his hand. He just wanted them to be touching like an assurance of never parting again. They sat in silence. The flaming torches on the walls had already died out.

“Why did it took you so long?” Remus asked sheepishly, running circles on the outside of Sirius’ palm to make him sure that he was not mad.

“It’s not like I didn’t try,” Sirius spoke softly, “Had to sneak out from James’ hell hound eyes. And the last two days were spent in getting caught by Mrs. Norris. That fucking cat.”

“I love cats, okay? Don’t insult them.” Sirius cocked his eyebrow at him, “Yeah but she is such a pain in the arse.” They giggled. Remus couldn’t avert his eyes from Sirius who was avoiding his gaze, “Last two days, huh? It’s actually been five days. Are you mad at me?”

“Moony, how can I be mad at you?” The gentleness in his voice was powerful enough to cause Remus to feel hot behind his cheeks, “But yes, I admit that I was angry. I thought you didn’t want to see me. I thought that you’d want some space. But then I couldn’t stay away from you for so long. Life has been terrible without you.”

“Life has been terrible without you too, Sirius. I missed you so much. I felt bad the second you left this room. I felt so sorry to hurt you like that—“

“Your pain is my pain, Remus,” Sirius said sternly. His eyes are hard as steel. “You can’t isolate yourself like that. I know you fear hurting us but Moony, can’t you see? You are already hurting us like that. James has been quiet lately and Peter…well, he is just following his pursuit. What I mean is, none of us can see you wounded in hospital for like a week because of us. That we weren’t able to protect you.”

“It’s not your responsibility—“

“It is. You are mine.” Sirius squeezed their already entwined hands. The words were like a gush of affection in Remus’ heart. He was suddenly out of arguments. He smiled at the boy before him who smiled back weakly, “And yes, it’s been only two months since we started dating, but you already feel like my responsibility now.”

Remus arched an eyebrow at his flustered expression, “Wow, that’s quite patriarchal with few amendments since a man is claiming his supremacy on the other man.”

“Wha—you dominate over me all the fucking time!” They broke out in fits of laughter but then immediately clapped their hands on each other’s mouths to keep it down. Funnily, the more they forced themselves to be quiet the more laughter bubbled out of them. Remus suddenly grabbed Sirius by his collar and crashed their lips together. Their giggles were turned muffled until they were silently devouring each other’s mouths. Sirius was now moving from his jawline to his neck, and Remus turned into mush as the warmth began pooling into him. He just wanted to stay like this forever.

Suddenly, they both froze when the sounds of approaching footsteps came from the hall. Sirius lunged down to the floor to grab the invisibility cloak, and suddenly the door swung open.

“Mister Lupin?” McGonagall?

“Professor McGonagall.” Remus’ voice shook.

“I am sorry for barging into the Hospital Wing just like that, but I wanted to ask if Mr. Black might have stopped by here?” Even in the dark room, Remus was able to see the grave creases on her forehead. He gulped and eyed down the floor to found Sirius was nowhere to be seen.

“Umm…No, Professor.” He stammered.

“Well, that lad is one hurricane, isn’t he?” She sighed, “I hope you are recovering well, Remus.” Her voice softened and a hint of a smile passed her face. He nodded and then she was out of the hospital.

After he had made sure that there were no sounds of any footsteps he said, “What did you do now?”

“I came during my detention with McGonagall.” Sirius peeked through the cloak, with his entire body invisible.

“Okay, you look very creepy like that.” He stood, brushing off the dust from his trousers, “Come here, now. I want to relish you till my heart is contented. You are getting more detentions anyway.” He opened his arms for Sirius who fell into them with the goofiest smile on his face.

“You are such a masochist, Moony.”

[ekaterinatepes]

Nothing but the Best

Author Notes: hello again my loves! Thank you for all your likes, reviews and specially your comments! I love it when you make questions and in general let me know what you think about the chapter. Thank you once more for all your support!

XII.

They say time heals all wounds, but there are some wounds that run so deep they refuse to stop bleeding.

https://youtu.be/s1tAYmMjLdY

A cold September afternoon welcomed the dying rays of the sun, the incandescent amber tones of the twilight illuminated the streets of Tokyo, ever so vibrant; full of life, people, delicious food, kaleidoscopic colors, laughter, children running…. Couples holding hands.

A tall man with a blindfold walked down a heavily transited sidewalk with his hands in his pockets and a small bag of pastries hanging off the side. Slowly, he made his way further away from the more concentric streets towards a park, he found a bench near a fountain and took a seat placing his bag right next to him.

The world remained the same and yet everything seemed to have changed, the days were now long and boring, conversations with people didn’t manage to hold his attention for long; missions were repetitive. Everything seemed… dull, opaque, flavorless, empty…

Everything, except perhaps his students who were the only sliver of hope he had left. Those kids would make it far in life, they were going to change the world and he was going to be there to help them along the way. A sad smile pulls at his peachy lips. You would have liked that. After all, the kids also enjoyed your company back in the day when you were still his. It was as if you had become their adoptive mother of sorts at some point. Your nurturing nature guided you to care for others.

A year ago when Yuuji was placed under his care and tutelage at Jujutsu High it had been hard for the boy. At the time the kid had just lost his only living relative and to top it off he also consumed the most powerful curse ever known to man kind.

He had so much responsibility on his shoulders Satoru couldn’t help but make the connection with himself when he was a kid his age. That’s how Satoru decided to take him home for dinner one night; he couldn’t have been more pleased with his decision. Of course, you adored Yuuji. His sweet snd enthusiastic personality, his polite manners and naiveté made him just endearing in your eyes.

Even Megumi, who barely spoke with his more taciturn approach asked about you. Satoru didn’t know how to answer. The dark haired boy would also come and visit your home to help you prepare some foreign delicacies you loved to cook. Sighing once more he ran his hands through his white hair.

***-Flashback-***

“So where’s Y/N-san? I haven’t seen her in a long time?” Asked Megumi right after Satoru returned from New York. It caught him by surprise

“She… she doesn’t live in Japan anymore” was all he said before changing the subject. Megumi looked at him with eyes wide open but decided not to pry.

Yeah… that probably was weird. Someone asks you about your spouse and you say they moved out of the country. It was pretty obvious what that meant.

***~End Flash Back~***

Sighing he opened the small paper bag containing his mochi, he loved his desert but lately he didn’t even have the will to indulge in sweets anymore. Satoru consumed insane amounts of sugar to stimulate his brain. The problem was that during the past year all that stimulation manifested in the form of vivid memories of you. Your voice, your smell, your presence. It was as if his brain chose to take him down the path to misery, as if to rub on his face what he could never have.

As of last week you were officially not Y/N Gojo anymore. He finally signed those blasted papers giving you your freedom and his capitulation.

It had been one of the worst days of his life.

After signing the divorce Satoru went straight to the liquor store where he found that exotic apricot liquor he liked in New York and bought a bottle. Once he made it back home he proceeded to get drunk out of his mind. The next morning he woke up by the pool, laying down on a tanning chair, wearing only a pair of boxers and hugging your wedding picture.

His head was killing him, at some point he had emptied his insides in the pool. A disgusted grimace reminded him he had to hire some help to take care of the house that was an absolute disaster, faithfully reflecting the state of its owner.

That morning, nursing a hangover he swore off alcohol for the rest of his life.

But hey! On the positive side he didn’t remember at all that night! Which means he ‘probably’ didn’t think about you (yeah right! As if he was ever not thinking about you) and how much he hated the fact you were not his Y/N Gojo anymore. You were not his wife anymore…

The memory made him want to cry like a baby. He lost the person he loved the most in his life because he had been one flaming idiot.

Despite all his efforts he could not forget you. Wherever he went, whatever he did… there you were, tormenting his waking and sleeping hours like his own personal curse.

He tried to get over you. He tried to be the asshole you knew him to be. He slept with so many women he couldn’t even count. But at the end of the night, in the throes of passion it was your face that he saw, your body that he craved, your flavor that he yearned and your name the one he called out when he climaxed.

He was absolutely fucked.

Revisiting memories of the last night he saw you he couldn’t believe how stupid he had been at the time. It took him so long to realize he had always been in love with you but Satoru, being well… himself, he didn’t want to see or admit that he had been head over heels, madly in love with you. He was a cynical bastard and that had cost him dearly. He chose to lie to himself thinking that THE Gojo Satoru was above all human weaknesses… including love. What an ignorant fucker he had been.

He wondered how you were doing and if you ever thought about him.

A frown made his handsome face look stern. Well… you were not alone anymore. Suguru also had stayed back in New York with you. After Satoru returned to Japan, Ijichi told him Geto Suguru wouldn’t be working out of Japan anymore. He had requested a transfer to the Americas.

Of course he did…

It had been one of the reasons Satoru fucked so many women. In his delusional mind he was ‘getting even’ with you for sleeping with Suguru. Not that he knew for a fact you were sleeping with him or not but… I mean….

Come on! It’s mother fucking Geto Suguru we are talking about here! 6’2 of pure sculpted muscles, tattoos and bad boy looks but with a Prince Charming complex. Yeah… Satoru was green with jealousy because he knew his former best friend was a better man for you than he ever was.

Looking down at his mochi bag he realized the small item had paid the price of his anger as he uncurled his death grip from the bag. Sighing he tossed the ruined pastry in the trash can to his left.

“Miss you….” He whispered to the wind.

———–

“I’m home!” You announced walking into your apartment. Setting you bag down as well as a couple of grocery bags “did you start dinner already?” You ask pleasantly surprised although you already knew the answer to that question since all the apartment smelled fantastic. Suguru walked out of the kitchen with a big smile wearing an apron that read ‘Kiss the Cheff’ nods “yes! I figured I would give you a hand tonight!” He answered as you walked to him to wrap your arms around his waist and give him a chaste kiss on his cheek “thank you Sugu. How was your mission?” You asked deciding to set up the table while Suguru finished dinner. “Not too bad actually, it was a special grade but nothing I couldn’t deal with” you returned a bright smile “I’m glad”

Your friendship with Suguru had slowly evolved into something else. You both spent all of your free time together. Your connection was deeper than mere sexual attraction. Suguru truly understood you, cared for you, shared your dreams and hopes. He was the type of poetic soul who would stay awake with you well into the night just to talk about the stars, the book you read that week that you loved, the new music you liked. It was wholesome.

On the more carnal side you desired Suguru and he desired you but you hadn’t taken what was going on between you two further than a few passionate make-out sessions and some cuddling.

After you last saw Satoru everything became worse before it got better. Suguru had been your rock, he had been there for the sleepless nights you spent crying. Without a word he held you in his strong arms and allowed you to let go. He knew you were deeply wounded, your emotions in disarray and your mental stability in peril. But Suguru never asked anything from you, he gave you the strength to go on. To take care of yourself, to keep going with your career. To have… hope.

It seemed like a dream to think that your life had changed so much in the span of a year. You weren’t able to recognise yourself anymore. Pain and duress molded you into someone new, better, more resilient, harder to hurt.

At this point, the only person you fully trusted was Suguru, he was always honest with you, no matter what happened or how much something hurt, he always remained true to himself and to you.

It was impossible not to love someone like him. He was the whole package.

Suguru was handsome, that was indisputable. But Geto was more than a pretty face. He was kind, truly kind! He did things out of the goodness of his heart, not because he expected anything in return. He was honest, Suguru Geto would never lie to you and THAT is what you loved the most about him.

He was patient.

He wanted you to be his but at the same time Suguru wanted you to heal, to have the chance to trust and love again, not as a means to forget about Satoru but because you wanted to choose a new path for yourself.

After diner you helped with the dishes and then settled on the couch. Suguru joined with a smile and two glasses of wine. He handed you one and sipped on the other one “what would you like to watch tonight Kitten?” He asked sitting next to you while picking a movie from the titles available on the screen of the tv.

“Anything you like! It’s your turn to pick” you said with a smile, leaning your head on his shoulder making Suguru smile. These tender displays of affection always made him feel so warm. Passing an arm around your shoulders he kissed your forehead.

You look up into his hazel eyes you blush. Suguru didn’t lose a second before he closed the space between your lips. The kiss was soft but meaningful, you didn’t hesitate to return it; wrapping your arms around his neck, pulling him closer to then climb on his lap straddling his hips.

The handsome sorcerer leans back, relaxing and running his hands slowly up and down your naked thighs covered only by the small fabric of your shorts, he strokes them softly leaving a path of warmth in the wake of his touch. Suguru deepened the kiss. His tongue delved in your mouth, slowly inviting yours to join the delicious dance. After a few minutes you pulled back, you are breathless. Your heart beats fast and the adrenaline was making you dizzy in anticipation.

Suguru looks at you, leaning his forehead against yours “I missed you” he ads before engulfing you in another passionate kiss, not even giving you the chance to reply. This time his lips are more demanding, his teeth nibbling your lower lip, requesting entrance. His tongue still tastes like the wine and you recognize his addictive flavor. Suddenly you find yourself laying on your back on the white couch, Suguru is on top of you and your legs are wrapped around his waist. Things are getting much more heated than you anticipated. Your hands roam the expanse of his back over hard muscles and warm skin covered only by the thin layer of his t-shirt. You know if you keep going this way you won’t be able to stop.

https://youtu.be/yBatuRGZAmA

A part of you doesn’t want this to end, you want to go all the way with Suguru. But… as much as you hate it, there is a tiny part of you that feels ambivalent about it. You wonder why is that you can’t just… do it!? You want Suguru! God! You desire him more than you can express with words, the growing wetness between your legs is evidence that you indeed were very much sexually attracted to him and yet your mind kept torturing you.

It was… complicated.

Your marriage with Satoru have been over longer than that piece of paper you got last week said. But erasing your feelings wasn’t something you could ever hope to do.

As much as you wanted to give yourself to Suguru it felt wrong that you were holding a part of yourself back. You wanted to give him everything, he deserved EVERYTHING of you. It wouldn’t be fair to just have sex with him when he deserved to be made love to.

You love Suguru, everyday that goes by your feelings for him grow and intensify, it was hard to even understand why would you hesitate and yet you did.

Your passionate kiss slowly becomes more tender until you are just sharing small pecks. Suguru pulls back with a little comforting smile; he felt the change in your body language, he knew what was going through your mind. You explained it to him before and he didn’t want to push you. He knew you needed to go at your own pace and he respected that.

“I’m… so-“ you starts apologetically but Suguru stops you with a little kiss “don’t… don’t apologize, I know baby…” he said reassuringly. Sealing his tender words with a kiss. When you separate again he asks “Alright little kitten, tell me… what’s it gonna be? ‘Dorian Grey’ or ‘Only Lovers Left Alive’?” Pulling you in his strong arms he cuddled with you on the couch, returning to the choices for movie you had.

You were so thankful for this man in your life “let’s go with ‘Only Lovers left Alive’”

With a last kiss he started the movie and pulled a blanket over you both.

He could wait, he would wait till the end of time. For you.

———-> Chapter 13/Part 1

Tags:

@sleepyamaya

@cloudsinthecosmos

@jxvajxy

@satoruhooraaa

@my-reality-is-in-my-head

@dok-ja

@jscarlet06

@fiona782

@thatsharklovingwoman

@heichoustheoryofcleanliness

@syynnaaah

@shaylove418

@coldvillainess

@vampgguk

@sukuna1stwife

@tampon-earrings

@actualdeemon

[high-lady-of-earth]

A Strained Solstice (in which Mor speaks without thinking)

Hi!!!! This is a one shot requested by @mitchloveswriting​ 

I combined it with an anonymous request for fluffy Az x Reader. At this time, I don’t write anything 18+ but maybe in the future!!

Thanks for the requests and I hope you like it<3333

Azriel x Reader

Prompt: “az reader where everyone keeps asking when he and elain are getting togethr but reader gets sad bc theyve secretly been a thing for years pls?”

“Happy birthday, Feyre!” Everyone yelled at the same time.

It was a picture perfect moment. Feyre blew out the candles on her ridiculously elaborate birthday cake (courtesy of Rhysand, of course) as the Inner Circle looked on. Rhys stood next to his wife, Nyx in his arms, as he smiled at her. To their right, was Nesta and Cassian, mated and glowing as they held hands and looked at Feyre with love. You stood to Feyre’s left, with Amren and Varian next to you. Standing opposite of your High Lord and Lady at the table was Mor and Elain, the former with tears in her eyes and the latter with a broad, beautiful smile.

You instinctively knew that Azriel stood by the door, forever sticking to the shadows. You could feel his presence under your skin, almost like a sentient force that pulled you towards him with every fiber of your being. Your situation with the shadowsinger was sort of complicated, you had feelings for him and he reciprocated, leading to a few steamy makeout sessions during the year that you had been in the Night Court, but he had never deepened it. Never mind the fact that you wanted him to. You yearned for him to come to your side and be yours publicly, but you were too afraid to tell him.

The cake magically cut itself and you were handed a small slice of cake, the perfect size that you wanted. You silently thanked the House for knowing you so well. This year, Rhys splurged on Feyre’s birthday cake. It tasted amazing. The delicacy melted on your tongue and the frosting was so sweet that you moaned in delight.

“The cake must be phenomenal.” Said a voice behind you.

You whirled around to find Azriel casually leaning against the wall. You blushed as you realized what sound you had just made.

“It is pretty good.” You replied, a little embarrassed that Azriel had heard you. He walked towards you and you held your breath as his hand moved toward your face. The shadows that always surrounded him began to disappear a little.

“You’ve got some frosting on your cheek.” Azriel said softly as his thumb brushed against your face.

You stilled as you felt his callused finger linger a few more seconds than was necessary. Then, you watched his thumb move towards his mouth and kept staring as his tongue darted out and licked the frosting that had been on your cheek. You felt heat begin spread throughout your body as you saw your desire mirrored in Azriel’s eyes.

“Azriel! Do you want some cake?” Cassian yelled.

The moment was over as Azriel’s shadows returned and you saw the usual mask of ice harden his features.

“I’m fine, Cas. I stole a bit of Y/n’s.” Azriel replied to Cassian.

You felt your hope die a little as Azriel so casually dismissed the moment you two just shared. The all-too-familiar disappointment rushed back in and you once again felt the longing for what your friends had. Ever since you had been rescued from Hybern’s prison by the Inner Circle, your heart longed to find its mate.

“I would like to open presents now. Rhysand, please be a dear and bring them to the family room.” Amren announced. You knew the petite female was itching to get her hands on her new jewels.

You didn’t wait for Azriel as you walked into the family room and took a seat on the couch next to Mor. She looked so elegant in a purple gown and matching amethyst jewelry. You probably paled in comparison in your pink dress that seemed to be loose in too many places. Your worries melted away as Rhys brought in the solstice presents.

Of course, Amren opened her gifts first, receiving a majority of jewelry. You had given her a diadem of rubies to match the necklace Varian had given her years ago that she loved. Next, Rhys and Feyre opened the gifts for themselves and Nyx. It was no surprise that they received a lot of baby stuff, with your contribution being a magical baby rocker. Cassian and Nesta opened their gifts, which was made up of weapons and tactical gear. Mor got a lot of dresses and clothing while Varian received miscellaneous items. You gave Elain gardening stuff, like most people. Your gifts consisted of different things, from books to clothing to a painting from Feyre.

Lastly, it was Azriel’s turn to open his gifts. He received pretty much the same thing as always from everyone— weapons. You had his gift in your hand because you wanted to give it to him personally. Azriel was opening Elain’s gift when you heard Mor speak up next to you.

“When are you two going to get together? You’ve both been beating around the bush for years and I think I speak for everyone when I say put an end to our misery.” Mor said to Azriel and Elain.

Both Azriel and Elain blushed and you felt tears come to your eyes. The Inner Circle seemed to have no idea how much you cared for Azriel. Or maybe you were a fool, and you couldn’t see that he liked Elain. That would certainly explain why Azriel had never made the two of you official. You were just something to distract him from Elain, who he was forbidden to touch so that they could keep the alliance with Lucien and therefore Jurian and Vassa. The tears were threatening to spill over so you abruptly got up and muttered something about getting more wine as you made your way to the dining room.

You had just reached the table when you realized you still had Azriel’s gift in your hand. You set it down and asked the House for a wine glass, which appeared in your hand. You filled it with wine from the bottle on the table and sat down to wipe the tears from your face. You played back what had just happened in your mind, noting how Elain looked at Azriel like he was her savior. You were so deep into your thoughts that you didn’t notice someone softly sitting next to you.

“Is everything alright, Y/n?” Cassian asked you. He put a hand on your shoulder and looked at your face with concern in his eyes.

“I’m fine, Cas. It’s just another migraine.” You lied. He could tell you weren’t telling the truth.

“Is it because of what Mor said? You know she says stuff out of turn sometimes.”

“I’m fine.” You repeated. You held the wine glass tightly in your hand. Cassian sighed and got up, presumably to go back to the others.

“You know, Az is fool. You’re so much better than the rest of us. Even Elain left Feyre to take on the responsibility of feeding their entire family. But you, your kindness has no boundaries, even after what you went through with Hybern.” Cassian said.

“Will you tell them I had a migraine and went home?” You asked. He nodded and went to join the rest of the Inner Circle.

You put on your coat and and the House put your presents in a bag for you as you stepped into your slippers. Before you had the time to start descending the ten thousand stairs to your apartment in the city, Azriel appeared. He walked towards you, his presence dominating the room.

“Where are you going?” He asked. Azriel kept walking towards you, and he seemed a little angry. You had no idea why he thought he had the right to be angry and you weren’t going to be scared by his demeanor. You refused to yield a step and stood nose-to-nose with Azriel as he stopped in front of you.

“I had a migraine and I’m going home to rest.” You stated. Azriel narrowed his eyes, but you weren’t cowed.

“You haven’t had migraines in a month. I would know.” He said. You pricked at his last sentence.

“Would you really know? You seemed to be too focused on Elain to notice anything.” You accused. Azriel took a step back a laughed. He actually laughed.

“So that’s what this is about? You’re jealous of Elain because of what Mor said. Elain has a mate.” He said incredulously.

“That doesn’t seem to stop her.” You muttered as you finally looked away from him. Azriel lifted his hand to your chin and brought your face to look at his once more. He brushed a lone strand of hair away from your eyes.

“Let me fly you home, Y/n.” He said.

What did that mean? Did he want you? Was he just trying to apologize? Azriel saw your hesitation and quickly said, “It doesn’t have to mean anything.”

You nodded and he picked you up, bridal style. Azriel’s arms lay under your knees and back and you silently reveled in the feeling of his muscles. His shadows closed around the two of you and you barely felt it when he took off into the air. You buried your face into Azriel’s chest. You never liked flying, but it was better than the alternative of descending ten thousand stairs and walking to your apartment. You felt Azriel’s slight stubble on your cheek as he leaned down to whisper in your ear.

“I never licked the frosting off my thumb from Elain’s cheek, Y/n.” He murmured in your ear. If the words themselves didn’t make you curl your toes in excitement, then his husky tone did. Azriel’s voice caressed you as you blushed. You stayed there like that, in Azriel’s arms until you were both out of range of the House and he winnowed into the cozy living room of your apartment.

He set you down and you took a couple moments to orient yourself properly. Winnowing, no matter how many times you did it, always made you dizzy. You set the bag containing your presents on your coffee table and noticed Azriel’s present on top. You reached into the bag and took it out.

“I got a present for you.” You said.

“I have one for you too. I wanted to give it to you in private.” He replied.

You handed him the wrapped parcel in your hands. Azriel unwrapped his present and looked at you questioningly.

“The others don’t notice the shadows under your eyes. I know you aren’t sleeping, Az. It’s a tea I made. It’ll help you sleep.” You said. Azriel took a deep breath.

“How did you know?” He asked. You moved closer to him and put your palm on his cheek.

“I can see through the mask you put up for the others. I can see the purple smudges under your eyes.” You replied. Azriel engulfed you in a big embrace.

“I’m sorry that I haven’t given you my all, Y/n. I’m dealing with a lot of stuff, but I’d like to revisit us after we deal with the human queens.” He said.

You nodded and Azriel kissed your cheek. He pulled out a little package from his pocket and put it into your hand. You opened it and drew in a breath when you saw a key nestled in a velvet box.

“I have a house outside of Velaris. Only Rhys knows about it. Sometimes the city is a little much and I need to escape it and I wanted you to be able to have somewhere as well.” He said sheepishly. This time, you hugged Azriel and gave him a broad smile.

“Thank you.” You whispered.