#somehow it is - once again - all about me
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thinking about how we all talk about gale's rocky family life for obvious reasons– between him and john, he's the only one who we really hear talk about his family in the show.
what about what we can infer from john's silence about his family?
as far as we can assume, he had living family who just... didn't write him the whole year and a half he was a pow in germany?
(if we pull from real info for backstory/writing purposes, he had two sisters and a mom, and a dad who died a few years before the war. factor in the endless archived newspaper articles of the other men's families speaking about them, sharing news of their pow status, writing back and forth to the pows, sending gifts and pictures...)
radio silence for john.
it must've been such an isolating feeling, knowing he had family back home who didn't care enough to write to him, wondering whether they even asked after him, if they read the newspaper to find out how their son/brother was doing overseas. having to see the others receive packages when they wrote home asking for certain things, getting to look forward to letters from loved ones and having something to occupy them through the emptiest days.
i'm sure it made gale's chest hurt too, knowing he'd never get a letter from his parents, but he at least had marge to write to, something to get him through the endless mundanity. john had nothing. (well, he had the motivation of getting gale back home safe, but beyond that?)
was he just not close with his family in the mota–verse? or did his parents treat him unkindly the way gale's did? was he the black sheep of the family? as much as he said he enlisted because he wanted to fly and join the fight, was it also to get away from whatever was wrong back home?
so many unanswered questions, so much angst drabble potential, so many hugs needed for that poor boy. </3
#i think about this often but it's whatever! i'm normal about it#johnslittlespoon brainrot#john egan#me once again theorizing/drabbling about john egan? shocker#i'm gonna try to work this subject into the dog coded fic somehow i think#also obv this is all for fic purposes in relation to mota show canon not actual info about the real john's family lol#bc real john had a sister who also served in wwII and he was close with his mother#def not theorizing ab real people LOL i feel like this is a general consensus in this fandom but still. i gotta clarify
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Would
(go to one of his theatrical broadway-wannabe concerts or perhaps a late night gameshow comedy hour sketch performance. I’m not too picky I’d be willing to pay money just to see him perform anything period)
Yea I felt like doing something silly in order to break away from the dread of finals week coming up. What can I say? I’m a professional procrastinator. But man oh man it was a good call this time around—I mean just look as this scrumptious masterpiece right here. Time well spent for sure. Genuinely I believe to have cooked with it chat /j
This is a version without the added stars by the way. And the second one is obviously just raw image reference/the original “bereal concert meme” source. I was very tempted to put Puzzles in that same exact outfit—however I decided it would be overly time consuming to make two separate versions. Maybe once finals are over I’ll be able to do that :)
#Obviously the abrupt ‘would’ was only referring to watching him not alluding to anything else don’t read into subtext or innuendos teehee#I’ve officially gone bananas over this pathetic twink#what does this say about me? honestly I’m still trying to figure that one out chief#are the rumors about me listening to Billie Eilish’s ‘Lunch’ continuously while drawing this true? I won’t tell :)#sorry once again I find myself in the delicate situation of wondering if I want to be that man or if I want to be with him#or if I simply wanna admire him from afar and cheer him on like the rabid fan/stan I have become#all the questions running rampant in the mind of an aroace who somehow wound up with this fruity man as a comfort character#ladies and gentlemen welcome to the mind fuck (cue the song ‘Mind Brand’) /j#….sorry I think I’m getting progressively less coherent with these tags every time I post lmfao help#it’s just so fun writing whatever nonsense comes into my mind first#smg4 bereal concert meme#mr puzzles bereal concert meme#bereal concert meme but Mr. Puzzles smg4#bereal concert meme mr puzzles#yea okay think we are in the clear with all the oddly specific tags—now time to see if my art finally makes it to Google images lol#hplonesome art
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the thing abt the surgery is that yes I do get litle moments of being ecstatic it finally happened but also I just feel Normal now. like my base state for all my life up until last week was worry, horror, and panic when i'd occasionally remember the very unwanted thing my body was capable of, spiraling into what ifs on potential conflicts in my life and future... and now i just feel Not Stressed Out All the Time. Normal.
#talkys#and again that's still that i have not really ever been in active risk of anything happening LOL#god im so happy. im really considering the tattoo even though im not a tattoo person at all#ill see. it depends on how much my incisions/scars fade...but a small green line shouldn't be that bothersome to always be looking at...#ALSO tbf a tiny bit of the worry is still there... im gonna ask my doctor to detail everything about the photos he took of my insides#bc idk. what if they somehow grow back. what if he didn't remove all of em. ykwim. pair of noia#but that's also just due to regular health anxiety#actually you know what can i schedule a hysto. just to be super sure nothing can ever happen to me.#+ ALSO ALSO it didn't feel real every day leading up to it and it kind of still doesn't! like! who was that cheye! he wasn't scared at all!#no way i found a doctor to do it and my parents didnt fight me on it and my mom didnt scream and cry and cause a scene once there. YAY
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"Talia can never be redeemed and her romance with Bruce can never come back because *falls for Grant Morrison's/DC's extreme racism towards asian and arab characters in the 2000s/2010s"
Yeah, sorry, but shut the hell up. It never fails to astound me when DC actually tries to fix the mistakes they made with Talia/the al Ghuls in general these last two decades and the fans manage to be even worse than DC by clinging to the blatant racist/sexist writing of the past instead of embracing the turn for the better.
"But she did this and that!"
She's a fictional character in a fictional universe that is aware that it goes through continuity changes/retcons. What Grant Morrison did to her character was a a complete retcon of her 30 year history and characterization with zero respect for her. Why am I supposed to take Morrison's bullshit as gospel and reject any attempts to fix her from writers who know better?
#talia al ghul#fuck grant morrison#I'm fine btw#Just not really keeping up with comics right now#It's just that not a lot of interesting stuff is going on#because apparently the DC comics fandom is forever stuck in the 2000s#And the things that annoy me...well its more or less always the same#I'm not sure if there is much new to say#The main Batman book somehow manages to be one of the worst Batman books#Once again the writer is a Tim fan who doesn't even try to be subtle about their favoritism#and fans will bring up crap from Morrison's run to justify their terrible takes even almost 20 years later#Seriously how the hell do people still manage to write edgy fanfictions about “Dick firing Tim as Robin and trying to sent him to Arkham”#Which isn't even what happened at all#Over 15 years later?#Is there really nothing else to write about???
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lesbian masterdoc and the unforgivable damage of making people hear compulsory heterosexuality and think of "can lesbians have crushes on men?" (no) instead of "are heterosexual women settling in unhappy marriages with men bellow their worth because of economic and social pressure?" (yes)
#not claiming the theory was without flaws but it sure didn't describe some virus mental affliction that exclusively plagues lesbians#for starters the theory was primarily about marriage. so it did recognise the historical fact of lesbians forced into marriage to avoid#honor killings and the still present possibility and threats especially when it comes to cults and strong religions#(once again mentioning as a Jeová's witness in a brazilian periphery my girlfriend accepted the tool of losing her entire family and social#circles to reject an arranged marriage at the age of 17. and she's bisexual. but THAT is what compulsory heterosexuality alludes to)#but more often than not when it addressed lesbians it was as the inherent threat they pose to heteropatriarchy#that they mere existence proved women were not all born to serve men. and that their lives often proved women are much happier and#accomplished when away from the burden of men.#and this acknowledging just how much loneliness was a reality through lesbian's experiences#at the same time I can understand the frustration of that feminist theory being reduced to 'comphet is when lesbians in high school were#pressured into picking one of the Backstreet Boys to lie about finding attractive'. and even more so when that non universal and much less#serious example somehow morphed into 'comphet is when bisexual women either lying or confused about being lesbians have sex with men and#find it unfulfilling' because accepting that narrative erases and harms lesbians#so I understand the 'comphet isn't real' posts especially because written like that it tends to refer to lesbian masterdoc and following#fiasco. but at the same time that wasn't the original intent of compulsory heterosexuality the actual feminist term#this is just me complaining about how social media butchers theory tho unless they are specifically naming Rich and the many other feminist#who wrote about heterosexual marriage as an institution I won't bother lesbians for venting frustration about neoliberal erasure of lesbian#the original theory sure didn't claim lesbians were immune to all this misogynistic violence but the term was never exclusively about them#and tended to ask more of 'where do we stand as women and feminists as a group much more interested in destroying heterosexual marriage than#simply making it more bearable?'#this got a little messy and senseless I'm tired#.txt
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i dont know what the plan is now, i have never had a plan for anything, but i dont want to delete the previous posts bc it feels like im trying to sweep things under the rug or act like they didnt happen
#ganondoodles talks#personal#i wish it was easier to know when to stand my ground and when to see i am wrong or when to ignore things#i am a chronical self doubter so even for the most obvious things when someone talks against me theres a moment i am hit with doubt#someone could tell me 'ganondorf is actually a perfectly true representation of all arabic people at once (somehow)'-#and i will go 'wait is he??' no hes not you idiot you know it isnt you spend alot of time learning about it the fuck#if it werent for those horrible scary (rare-not online) meltdowns i think how easily i am to doubt myself and be influenced by others is-#-what makes me feel the most childish#idk if thats an autism thing or just a me thing#even when theres a belief or opinion that is cemented into my brain unchangibly i still doubt if its right or if i am allowed it somehow#its such a contradictory thing again. easily influenced and made to doubt myself but also immovable .. even on dumb things#like theres nothing that can change how i feel about totk but i still doubt it anyway#what if i am wrong and an idiot and everyone saying the opposite of me is actually more right?? (still doesnt change opinion but doubt tm)#also can tumblr plese stop recommending me suicidal tags when i type 'what if' in here???????????????#i am trying to get OUT and AWAY from that as far as possible i dont find it funney hehe#(and i dont think i typed any of those phrases before)
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most normal interaction on a subway (another earth bot has invaded my sketchbook)
cat belongs to @8um8le
#2024#stellar city#sc cataclysm#sc ash#self insert#late evening scribbles once again just for fun#okay so it is so interesting to think about how really tall bots are normal so public transit is probably larger to accomodate#so then lil ol me looks more like a kid than i normally do in the subway car built for giants#anyway i'm thinking about how jarring it must be to only know geo and then see cat lmao#unknowingly meeting your coworker (crush)'s prototype on your evening commute home :x#…wait hang on it would be really funny to confide in cat about having a crush on geo#gives me the most batshit advice that somehow works#i really just keep doodlin ballad's guys huh? i wanna draw the rest of the cast tbh they're all fun
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Messed up they’re making me watch this show week-to-week…
#kingohger#racules hastie#yosh#90 percent of all my kingoh theories tie into racules somehow waaahaha#cant wait to see him next episode(called shot)#my friends listening to me rave about what i refer to as ‘the racules string board’#‘its expanding again’ i say every week aaahaha!#by chance rewatched ep 17 for reference for my gerojim doodles today and it sent me off again lol!#i don't have time to form elaborate mental stringboards with the other series i've watched cause I WATCH THEM ALL AT ONCE!!#the rest of toku tumbr turning to me with a jaded smile: 'first time?'#yeah toku tumblr... it is...
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#half bastard son of the devil himself#half bastard son and the devil himself#lucifer#lilith#original words#our words#poetry#web weaving#half bad#like calls to like#hekate#witchblr#self#parallels#sephire#medusephire#susan sontag#serpentposting#jewblr#mortalcoeur#using the bible they gave me as a laptop stand....... reaching near unfathomable levels of anti-christianity rn#antichrist#de profundis#spilled ink#spilled words#nosebleedclub#dead poets societé#somehow it is - once again - all about me#iwtv#carrie 1976
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Obsessed with when fanfictions go like:
Jason: "your son died!! I'm not that kid anymore! You can never have him back!! >:("
Bruce: "I mean, yeah? You had new experiences, made new friends, learned new things and went through a lot of difficult situations. You're human, people grow up, but there are still things about you that will never change, one of them is the fact that you're my son and I will love you regardless of what you choose to be."
#i miss those types of fanfic#there should be more of those#because once i read one i was like "holly shit i'm not the same person i was as a kid and neither is anyone#jason dying and coming back just makes it more metaphorical somehow and bruce not being there to see him growing up makes it sad#so now there's this new person who still have little things about his child self but definitely isn't the same kid anymore#but that's okay because bruce can just meet his son all over again and use those little things to slowly conect with him again#i just really love fanfics like this they tend to make me cry a lot#jason todd#red hood#batman#bruce wayne#batfamily#dc
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[ID: Earthsea fanart. A digital artwork depicting Sparrowhawk and Vetch under starry sky. They are both sitting under a warm brown blanket. Exhausted Sparrowhawk sleeps leaning on Vetch and Vetch sings softly as he holds his hand. End ID]
Vetch singing for Sparrowhawk
#Earthsea#I drew this some more than a year ago and been tinkering with it since.#i didn't really plan to post it as sometimes it's nice to just keep something for self#but then it's been hitting my head that in case i lose all the files somehow (regardless of copies on USB sticks.)#(i could even forget where i stored it Or it's existence at all. and i cannot store it physically. F#there won't be a way for me to see it once again#and there is something about this artwork that i love dearly so it'd be a shame to not see it again#Earthsea fanart#Earthsea Sparrowhawk#Earthsea Ged#Earthsea Vetch#Earthsea Estarriol#artists on tumblr#HiddenCarpet#Hidden Carpet#carpet's art#2022#2023#february#may#accessible art#art described
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if life is categorized by Before Loss and After Loss then I exist in the before but with a countdown to the after. and the countdown is always always present and debilitating. the loss will be debilitating too but i cant help myself. i will always suffer twice.
#i cant let go of it. i cant even enjoy good moments without thinking about how they'll just be memories one day#how they're already memories since moments pass so fast#everything is I'll Miss This and i already miss it and i cant believe once you're gone you're gone forever#and ill never ever see you again. and your shell is in the ground but where did the rest of you go?#should i look at your body one last time? on one hand itll be the last time i see you.#on the other hand it will be the last time i see you.#and the memory of you will die with me too. as if neither ever existed#it impacts me so much too bc i dont feel close to anybody really...and i dont make friends easily#so whats going to happen when the people who have always been there arent there anymore?#im going to be alone for so much of my life.#i will record your voice so im ready for when i cant hear it from the source while also knowing it wont be enough and one day#ill be wishing it lasted longer. it could be 12 hours long and ill want more.#how do you surpass this? it hasn't even happened. when it happens i don't know what ill do. considering my whole life has been#the timer. the countdown. hours and hours of anticipatory grief#and then ill be next. me. some of all thats left of you. it cant be true.#sorry. this gets worse every single year and its been going insane lately#id surprisingly been managing it well for months somehow ! it wouldnt cross my mind...and now its there again#like it accumulated and its all coming out right now. ive been crying for hrs tonight and last night#one day his things will just be things. things ive made and given him will be in my hands again.#talkys#i want to go hug my dad but then ill just cry over how one day i wont be able to....! how do i store it? how do i save it?#how do i preserve it forever....even as i take my own last breath....#i cant believe im the only one of me. and my dad is the only one of him.#i wouldnt want to be reborn as anyone else. i cant believe one day i wont get to draw or eat or be comfy in bed anymore.#i cant take it !! im so scared. ill be scared until the end. and you wont be there to hold my hand. im going to be alone.#and none of those years of grief and joy and memories will matter.#i wonder if it would help to tell him about this. i need something to hold onto for when it happens. anything. but i also know it'll make i#hurt more; obviously. just another piece of him that'll be gone one day
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Pictures and things
#photo diary#image 1 - pretty sky!.. so many sky photos as always#2 & 3 - baby son keeping me company during one of my Sickness days where I kind of just sit on the floor in a blanket#for hours slowly sipping pedialyte and having applesauce and such lol#He likes to bite the squeezy apple sauce pouches.. and try to steal the heating pad#4. Sky again. lighter more scattered fluffy clouds.#5 - greeting card that I drew at someone's request so they could send it to their elderly family member lol.. It's like.. cats baking#in a kitchen I guess? My eternal curse.. being the number one lover of cats in the world yet still somehow barely having a grasp#on their anatomy so they always look ridiculous when I draw them. I have both drawn and looked at cats for my entire life basically#yet somehow those two things do not come together to make me a good cat artist.. alas..#6 - underpart of an outfit I did (and havent yet posted of course because of my evil backlog of onemillion drafted posts)#I took the main dress off the top but thought the underneath part looked cool on it's own as well#7 - more sky.#8 - Mushroom fettucini alfredo. steak. and grilled asparagus. A fun little meal for me though I can't remember the occasion. I think maybe#as a reward for getting my covid booster or something. Though I still feel it's not as much of a reward when I am personally cooking#everything myself at home gjhbjh.. so its like... I'm having to do quite a lot of labor which makes it feel less relaxing I suppose. but eh#a treat in some form. Still cheaper by overall cost than ordering from a restaurant - and also can be customized and prepared#exactly how I like - which is the point. I guess more I just wish I weren't the only cooking person in the house. Everyone could#take turns making special meals for each other rather than like.. ''hmm I feel like having a treat. suppose I shall spend an hour#making it all myself and then feel tired whilst eating it'' lol.. ANYWAY#9 - and then.. you guessed it..MORE sky pictures!!! This time pinky bluey and so on.. huzzah..#A very sky heavy entry into the photo diaries I suppose#The sky in the 1st/7th image is jsut very ethereal seeming to me. something about the way the lighting is behind the clouds. It's#transportive. An interesting sky will make me feel like many other places in time or things I've seen in dreams or something. You get#a sense of being in a different world or like you're looking out over something you once imagined whilst reading a storybook. maybe lol
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“Why’s he call you Darlin’?”
on my knees begging my brain to stop trying to associate this song with Sam
#(it’s too late guys i’ve already added it to a couple playlists. i can’t help it)#redacted audio#redacted asmr#redacted sam#redacted darlin#rp audio stuff#Seven’s Blorbo Songs#music stuff#i fell down a rabbit hole of music videos on YT last night and decided to give this song a chance based on the title obviously#skipped through all the exposition just to quickly find out if i liked the song or not#and as soon as the first line came in i went head-in-hands at my desk bc i just Knew it was over for me#i hate that i like it#it’s very repetitive and giving strong Modern/Mainstream Pop-Rap-Country vibes#but i’m not too proud to admit that i eat that shit up on occasion#‘You’ve been beatin’ ‘round the bush so much you’re knockin’ off the leaves.’ goes kinda hard tho i’m ngl#‘ole boy in a Ridgeline and i drive a Chevy’ would Sam be a truck elitist? hmm#i doubt it. i see him as too practical-minded to care about brand names and shit like that#like irl i think it’s very silly. and perhaps a little questionable to hate on a ‘foreign’ vehicle. but i don’t even like trucks at all so#insecure country boys and their obsession with big trucks are ruining the road for us regular people that just want a normal ass car#but i’ll stop before i go off on a rant about america’s transportation problems#anyways. i can separate reality from fiction and i love the image of Sam in a beat up beloved old truck. cliché as it may be#getting back on track. my POINT was that the song doesn’t even necessarily fit Sam’s vibes i just. can’t undo the association#been trying to think of a way for it to fit him but that would require Darlin’ to be cheating on him and i don’t like that thought#like i love some types of angst but cheating isn’t one of them#i could view it through the context of being directed at Alexis bc i already hate her lmao but once again it doesn’t fit in canon#and i don’t know how i feel about the thought that he used to call her Darlin’ too. though it’s very possible. mmm angst#not that it has to fit with canon for me to attach a song to a character. certainly not! but i need to make it work in my mind Somehow#and i can’t even come up with a good HC to make this fit. the idea of Jealous!Sam is fun in theory but idk if i’d like it practice anyways#tldr: does this really fit canon Sam? meh. Is it forever tied to him in my mind anyways due to the use of the petname Darlin’? absolutely.#anywho. one of these days i’ll open this app to do something other than vent post or yap abt rp audio blorbos. but that day is not today!
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Deacon loves two things: Ymber and digging himself a grave.
Fulj hates one thing: Deacon.
#my characters#waiting on some info on the next commission so i indulged in ocs today bc i doubt i will have as much time for lil comics for a bit#deacon is so devoted hes like yeah i would kill for a deity that could easily kill anything himself but yknow teehee#and fulj just did you tell him you needed therapy also does he even know youd murder in his name#deacon caught red handed haha no of course i havent told him it should be obvious enough haha.... and its in his defense not his name :c#man really does have some issues but i love him so much and hes so devoted but like. unhealthily after a while#he does in fact need a chill pill and therapy but to be fair#ymber has needed therapy for centuries and yet he just bottles it all up and suffers so#its pretty unhealthy until they yell at each other one (1) time bc they are so insecure about things and get mad over very valid reasons#but then theyre like you know what that was necessary and i still want to stay by your side if you let me#and then fulj is like dude hey sorry you seem really happy did you fu- and ymber is like no please stop there we have not#fulj just squinting cause have not is very different than will not but whatever she doesnt wanna think about that with deacon involved ew#and eventually fulj is like hey ymber im sorry to say but i really do hate deacon and i dont even know why but he makes me uncomfortable#while deacon is just. in the room. hearing this and thinking how he knows she thinks hes weird but wow that wording hurts#and ymber doesnt wanna fill in memories better forgotten by fulj which she had forcefully removed#so he just says oh well his hair and clothing are black and you had someone in the past that you might see in him and its not a pleasant en#so you know maybe its that idk#and fulj is then WHATST i was rude to him for someone i cant even remember? lame im gonna try SO HARD to be nice to him now#and deacon just still sitting there with some food like this is v awkward and i wish i could not be here for it#and later he asks ymber about who he resembled and as ymber is descibing her it clicks in deacons head and he gets really sad#that he might somehow remind fulj of the woman she loved before she was punished for loving a mortal#and he feels kinda bad pestering her so much with his curiosities about deities and he kinda gets it#the fact hes close to ymber might remind her at the core that she was once that close with a mortal if not closer#anyway story time in the tags again#im so obsessed with these peeps and i have made them suffer so much but they do all end on a happy note#its still funny and nice to me that while fulj is creeped out by deacon and doesnt like talking to him#he still expresses the most emotions to her - he tries hard to remain serious around ymber and collected and obedient at all times#and when out and about with ymber he has to be intimidating and refuses smiling but fulj?? all sunshine and smiles and emotions easy to rea#and she is just that is so weird go away i hate you
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.
#just saw that tweet abt pink days on the set of the barbie movie & i think it made me realize why it - the marketing etc - annoys me so#'margot robbie went around collecting fines and donated them to charity haha' okay. look.#that's just the perfect metaphor for how it worked for us - me - anyone who wants to align themselves with me - when we were girls#isn't it#because you grow up and you desperately want to fit in with the other girls but you don't & you don't know why#but you're surrounded by things and people telling you what a normal girl is like & little-to-none of it is things you find appealing or#interesting. makeup and fashion and skin care. gymnastics and romance. you're told that you are obligated to be pretty#but prettiness has never been part of your perception of yourself. femininity is an arcane concept#an exclusive club that will never grant you entrance#& the only comfort you can give yourself is deciding that it's dumb anyway. shallow. vain. who cares about looks and boys and all of that#idiots that's who#but this is Doing It Wrong too isn't it? because now everyone who has taught you that you will forever fail at femininity turns around#& tells you that's patriarchal oppression and YOU'RE the bad one by distancing yourself from something that always made you feel defective#'YOU may have never lived up to this impossible standard of perfection but some ppl do and actually it's fine to be like that!#hyperfeminine traditionally beautiful women are the most oppressed group of all & finally we will stand up for our rights!'#'girls can be pretty AND conpetent' but that's not what they're actually saying. isn't it.#because performing femininity correctly is the prerequisite. a threshold you can never cross and you know that. & that's fine#but somehow that's wrong too because you're not supposed to make peace w that are you. you're SUPPOSED to want to do it right#even if you don't and never have and never will#and once again everyone is yelling at you that this club isn't meant for you. if you criticize the barbie movie you're antifeminist#if you refuse to wear pink I'll make you pay a fine#hashtag girlpower#(well im not a girl. not a guy either. and not a secret third thing. just bad at femininity.#bad at being a person. and y'all don't need to tell me you don't want me in your club#I've always known that. i just wish you'd stop expecting me to beg for entrance.)
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