#somehow in this position he doesn't seem that hostile

[azzzhat]

HE LOOKS SO BROODY YET MAJESTIC?? ALL OF HIS OVERLAPPING WINGS MAKING HIM LOOK DECEPTIVELY LARGE EVEN WHEN HE'S ROOSTING ON THE FLOOR???? UGGGHHH PERFECT

I can't get over the glow of his eyes. Like. Hell. They look like hellfire. Like the rage of the sun collapsed into a single stare. It's one of the only colourful parts of him and I love love love how everything else consists of cool, muted colours while his eyes are just the fiercest core of a flame. It's so stark. I'm pretty sure I mentioned the same thing last time but I'll never get tired of it.

The mottled patterns of his wings!! GORGEOUS. They actually get lighter the smaller his wings get, so technically his cranial wings have the least markings, but man I don't really care. Every streak is fun to look at. Plus, fluffy spiky feathers galore! The energy he exudes makes me think twice about turning my back on him. Maybe it's the talons.

Poor Alphys. Imagine having to treat an emergency patient while a horrifying angel-beast waits behind you for any slip-up you might make. How ironic is it that a creature who's meant to care and look after others is possibly the most dangerous one of all?

may I link this?? >:D

Gyrfalcon Orion (Papyrus) in full seraphic warning, round 2.

Alternate title: You really wish you weren't doctor Alphys right now.

More Orion, and up closer than you ever wanted to be.

This is for @azzzhat, or azZhat on Archive of Our Own, based on the last scene of the 15th chapter of their Undertale story, The Wolf.

Orion, crooning threats with such promise. I could not get that vision of Orion's expression out of my head for over a month.

[villainofmyownstory]

Day Zero chapter 4

masterlist | taglist | AO3

Previous | Next

pairing: Simon “Ghost” Riley x plus size fem!reader

summary: Your horror and fear after what happened at the town hall are mixed with hope. Unfortunately, the newly met man in the mask doesn't make things any easier for you. He is stubborn and distrustful. However, when night comes, he takes you to his only safe place. To his house. Home.

tags: AFAB reader, plus size reader, dog german shepherd, weapon, suicide

author's note: I decided to post a new chapter today, unfortunately I'm having a worse time in my life again…. I hope it will get better soon. The longest chapter so far, let me know what you think.

Warning!! Mention of a suicide attempt, if you don't want to or can't read this, skip the parts where day 64 is referred to. Your mental health is more important! Take care of yourself, dear reader.

AO3

💀💀💀💀💀💀💀💀💀💀💀💀💀💀💀💀💀💀💀💀💀💀💀💀💀💀💀💀💀

Chapter 4: The one where you visit Ghost's house

Day 732

Getting to the tower by car definitely shouldn't take as long as your hike. The distance to cover, from the center to the suburbs, did not seem so far. You both remain silent the entire way. Ghost keeps looking in the rearview mirror while driving. As if he had to make sure you were still sitting on the trunk. When it reduces speed or (worse) brakes to almost zero on the odometer. His gaze focuses on the mirror. As if the man expected you to take advantage of the opportunity and jump out of the car, taking Riley with you. You will run away and disappear, just as you suddenly and unexpectedly appeared.

Admittedly, you had no intention of doing so. Quite the opposite. You wanted to stay. Even though the man was hostile towards you, you were sure of that. Damn, he wanted to shoot you!

Like a hunter hunting a defenseless deer. A sniper in war, shooting at a designated, nameless target. Without blinking an eye, in cold blood, in one breath. Shot. Exhale. End.

Without even exchanging a word with you. Without asking you anything. Not wanting to know anything. One shot and you're done, you wouldn't even feel it. He pulled the trigger without hesitation.

Remembering what happened a dozen or so minutes ago, you clench your hands into fists. Rubbing the material of your gloves against each other. Feeling the rough material slide over the skin of your hand. You try to focus exactly on that feeling.. You don't want to let fear and terror get the best of you. Breathe, slowly. Don't let these bad thoughts defeat you. Luckily for you, the man didn't do anything to you. Maybe he is also a lost and lonely man. Who is slowly losing his mind under these circumstances. He can't cope. Just like you.

You swallow. The hands are still tightly clenched into fists. Your hands are sweaty from stress.

The sun slowly hides behind the buildings, getting darker with each passing minute. The night is getting closer. The car is traveling at a higher speed. There are fewer and fewer buildings, they are probably suburbs, so you are getting closer to your goal - the tower.

You have to be strong, not show weakness. Focus. To listen carefully. Observe.

Although it's all Ghost, he has the upper hand. He has the most important argument and strength - he has a gun. Also, he's in his own territory and is undoubtedly a man with military training. He's taller and better built than you. Definitely stronger and athletic. Yet you try to control another panic attack, you won't give in to him so easily. You may not be in a lost position. You just have to convince him somehow. After all, somehow he has to believe that you came here alone. If you gain his trust without lying to him, maybe he'll let you stay. You don't really have anywhere to go back to. That house somewhere far away wasn't fit to live in for another winter. No heating, a leaking roof, you could list more defects. And the food supply in the area was running out, you found almost everything edible. You didn't know if it would be safe to return to that place.

You swallow. Your hands are still clenched into fists. Sweaty from stress.

The sun slowly hides behind the buildings, getting darker by the minute. The night is getting closer. The car is traveling at an increasing speed. There are fewer and fewer buildings, probably suburbs, so you are getting closer to your goal - the tower.

You have to be strong, not show weakness. Focus. To listen carefully. Observe.

Without a doubt, the whole Ghost guy, has an advantage over you. He has the most important argument and power - he has a gun. Besides, he is in his own territory and is undoubtedly a man with military training. Higher and much better built than you. Stronger. Athletic. But, if you are trying to control another panic attack, you won't give in to him so easily. You may not be in a lost position. You just have to convince him somehow. After all, he has to believe in some way that you came here alone. If you gain his trust without lying to him, maybe he will let you stay. You don't really have anywhere to go back to. That house somewhere far away, is uninhabitable for another winter. There's no heating, the roof is leaking. And food supplies were running out in the area, you could find almost anything edible. You don't know if it would be safe to go back there.

This town you are in now is the only one of the larger ones in this area. He seems to be better organized, definitely better than you. You haven't even found a car in working order with at least a little bit of fuel in the tank. So maybe it's better to stay with him. It will be easier to survive. Maybe the two of you can find other people?

Maybe the man knows something more, maybe he knows about a settlement, a safe place? Some larger group of living people? Maybe there is some hope.

Meeting this man caused a small spark that some future might exist.

Although it is probably not difficult, you have never been able to plan or predict. You lived in the moment. Not worrying too much about what the next day will bring. Not really taking into account.

The consequences of your actions or, inversely, your inaction. It's time to grow up, the worried voices of your parents echo in your head. Well, maybe you should have listened to them.

You sigh and look away from the passing suburban landscape, still lost in your own thoughts. You look down for a moment, at your protruding belly and wide thighs. You haven't even lost much weight in the last two years. You blame it on your bad, inappropriate diet. You mainly ate carbohydrates and cans of ready-made or sweetened food. You found any canned vegetables less and less often. Lots of cans of carbonated drinks and lots of sweets. Not to mention salty snacks. It was easier that way. Everything had long expiration dates and was tightly packed. Thanks to this food, you satisfy your hunger and provide your body with endorphins. Fighting with your own bad, dark thoughts, when you had supplies of food and drink. You simply lay in bed on the mattress for weeks. Vegetating, waiting. Counting on... you didn't know what.

You look back at the passing landscape, individual buildings and road signs. City exit sign, highway exit, empty fields.

You regret that in the past you were never interested in the army. You didn't even know what military unit this man was from. The only thing that was clear to you was the British flag attached to his uniform. Maybe it meant something? Perhaps he was here for a reason?

Even now, when the cold of the coming evening and the breeze caused by the speed of the car caress your cheeks and exposed neck. This causes goosebumps and reddened cheeks. It was bearable, the feeling of cold wasn't really that bad.

The most significant thing is that you no longer have to walk.

The important thing is that after so many days you at last found hope.

The fact that you are finally not alone.

You choose not to think about it any longer, clinging to Riley, thanking him without words for saving him. You calm down a little.

When you finally arrive at your destination, the man hurriedly gets out of the car and opens the trunk with a gun in one hand.

“Riley stays with me”

If you don't mind the penetrating chill of the coming evening, the coldness in the man's voice definitely makes you shiver.

‘And you, woman, go into the building and tell your people to leave. I have you in my sights all the time.’

You don't have the strength to argue with him. Another exchange of words makes no sense at this point. You dream of eating something and finally taking off those damn shoes. Your legs hurt so terribly. Subconsciously, you already know that a verbal battle with this man is pointless now. He won't believe you anyway, he has to see for himself. See what you keep telling him.

One thing you were sure of right from the start. This guy was definitely confident and he didn't tolerate a word of disagreement, he knew best. Stubborn. Probably soulless, a killing machine. Who knows what bad shit he'd done in the past?

So as you slowly walk towards the building next to the tower, you wonder if your back might get shot. Simple and clear. He will execute you and this will all be over. Perhaps it would have been better. Maybe that was your end.

Fate. Destiny.

Maybe these two years of loneliness and torment were supposed to end this way. Your body will remain near the tower as a warning to other travelers. If anyone but the two of you had survived this long. Because during these few months, without seeing any sign of another person's life, you began to believe that you were completely alone. That somehow you were the only one who survived.

Day 64

You

You didn't think the crisis would come so quickly. That you will lose faith. You didn't see any solution to the situation, or there never was one.

You weren't the type of person who was sad, emotional, or prone to depression. You were always a ray of light, a cheerful green pea, as your dad used to say.

But now, as more days passed, more days of darkness, emptiness, silence. Fucking loneliness.

You couldn't handle it.

You have stopped looking out the window for hours, hoping that your loved ones will come home.

That some familiar face will save you. That someone will break the silence.

The worst were the sleepless nights. Curled up somewhere in a corner or hidden in a bathroom, somewhere in a room without windows. As far away from the outside walls as possible.

You gave up really fast. And you made one most important decision. And that day, early in the morning, when the first rays of sunlight appeared in the sky. You left the house at a brisk pace and easily reached your destination without stopping. Standing in front of the abandoned pharmacy, you knew why and for what you had come here. Without blinking an eye, you went inside and quickly found the right packages and took them from the shelves. Then, just as efficiently, you hurried back to the empty family house.

However, as you crossed the threshold of the building, the familiar smell, so close to your heart reached your nostrils. Home, the family nest. The door slammed behind you and then, for the first and only time, you hesitated.

Just as you had done for years, now, you called out to the empty rooms.

“Mom? Dad? Sis?... I'm back..."

Silence.

Nobody answered.

Emptiness.

So that was a sign, no one was there. And the decision was made, there was no turning back.

Sitting down on a chair in the dining room, you carefully unpacked the contents of the packages you brought. Earlier, you prepared a kitchen mortar and a glass of water.

Slowly, systematically, one by one, you place tablets of different sizes on the bottom of the agate dish. You don't know what quantity is right. Probably the bigger the better. The more the faster. The larger the quantity, the much painless it should be. You hope so. End the pain. Put an end to this misery.

Stirring slowly with a heavy stone pestle, you don't worry that some of the grinded medicine, will fall on the table. White powder stains the dining room table and your jeans.

Nobody will see the mess anyway. And if they do, they won't pay attention to such a detail anyway. They're more likely to notice you.

You pour the ground contents into a glass of water. Hoping that some of it will dissolve and make it easier for you to drink.

Bitterness. This is all you feel.

The cold water with the crushed tablets slowly passes down your throat into your stomach.... The bitterness on your tongue. The ground up undissolved pieces irritate your gums, sticking like sand between your teeth. You feel the acid under your tongue. Something in your throat.

You slowly swallow the rest of the mixture in the glass. Now you just have to wait. You fall asleep.

Alone.

But you won't wake up on your own. Eternal peace. Eternal peaceful sleep.

Maybe it'll be better if there's anything waiting for you afterward. If only this pain would go away.

That's what you're counting on. Well, you haven't been good at math since kindergarten.

Day 732 

Finally, after a long while of walking, with a feeling of fear, with the gun pointed at your back, you reach the door of the building. With a deep sigh, slightly irritated by this whole protracted situation, you open the door

“Hey guys, come out.”

With irony in your voice, you look at the man standing at a notable distance from you.

"You see? Like I said, no one. here. There isn't"

You say angrily, clenching your fists. After a few moments, you turn on your heel and cross your arms over your chest, waiting for Ghost to move. Whatever was going on in his head right now was starting to irritate you. Constant silence on his part, and when he did have something to say. It was his words that were cold, harsh. Angry, rough commands. He addresses you without respect.

In fact, he treats you worse than a dog.

“I'll shoot you if no one comes out soon."

Ghost adjusted the gun resting on his shoulder, still aiming at you.

“No one will come out of this building...”

You sigh.

“...maybe you'll finally believe me and we'll end this nonsense? If this is how you host all your guests. I'd rather not know how my predecessors ended up.”

You add, exhaling loudly through your nose

“And I don't really want to find out”

While waiting for the man's reaction, you look at him closely. Why is he so hostile? Why does he still not believe you?

Yes, no one had the right in these strange times to trust anyone or anything, however, you appeared in the area defenseless. Without any weapons. You didn't even think to bring a knife with you. Nothing for possible self-defense. So he, after all, was just plain stubborn.

Finally, the man slowly, silently approaches you and searches the inside of the building.

Of course there is no one inside.

Paying no attention to you, the masked man turned around and moves back toward the vehicle.

“Let's go. There's not much time left.”

He throws over his shoulder in your direction. Nothing more, no apologies, you're right. I believe you now. No remorse, no understanding. Heartless, strange, Ghost.

As you sit next to the dog, with your back to the boot, the man starts the car with a squeal of tyres. The speed of the car is definitely higher. You are going too fast, even though there are no other road users besides you. It's as if Ghost is racing against the setting sun. Every now and then he nervously checks his watch and turns his head over his shoulder, towards the western sky. And so on and on.

The streets grow darker and darker. Night is coming. Nightfall.

This time you are heading in a different direction from the centre. A new, unfamiliar one. With Riley at your side, you watch the changing landscape with curiosity. Crowded, densely built-up streets with many tall buildings turn into new suburbs. Single family houses and wide pavements with overgrown yards appear before our eyes. This must once have been a nice, quiet and green neighbourhood. Families with children probably spent their best moments here, enjoying a happy life together. The middle class probably lived here and worked hard for every square metre. After school, children rode their bikes on the wide streets or ran on the green, evenly mowed lawns.

Once. Past. Memories.

Finally, after several minutes of crazy driving, the man parks the car next to one of the houses. Hurriedly he gets out and opens the garage door with a flourish.

Ghost quickly pulls in and reaches for the dog and pulls him out of the trunk. He puts him in another car, parked in the garage next door.

“Hurry up, we don't have much time.”

With that, Ghost opens the passenger door and gets behind the wheel without waiting for you.

When you change to a smaller vehicle and sit on the passenger side, you ask in surprise

“Why a we changing the car? What's going on?"

He doesn't answer anything, he rushes away. He drives for a while, again, in silence you notice him circling the area. You definitely pass the same house several times.

“Why are we driving around?”

You ask with a little fear. From minute to minute, every behavior of a man causes increasing nervousness in your body. Again, you find his behavior strange, irrational.

‘We need to confuse the trail, cover our tracks.’

The man finally speaks up and after a few moments stops at the next house.

‘Stay in the car and don't go anywhere, understood?’

Ghost quickly picks up Riley and, with the dog in his arms, marches quickly in an unknown direction. Disappearing from your sight after a moment. You're left alone, in the car, in an unknown place.

The sun was almost below the horizon, a small red glow gently illuminated the wide street.

Suddenly, the door opens on your side and you jump in your seat, slightly scared. Seeing the now familiar, masked figure, you breathe a sigh of relief.

“Shit!”

 You clutch your chest, mumbling.

“Put this on your shoes and walk fast, damn it.”

The man hands you something like hospital slippers. You quickly put them on over your shoes. Hearing his voice, you know perfectly well that there is no time for discussion. Time is running out.

"Pull your hair back or keep it out of the wind and follow me quickly. Don't you dare turn around and stop!"

The man grabs you by the elbow and pulls you out of the car. He moves quickly, taking quick and decisive long strides. Compared to his legs, yours are considerably shorter than his, you practically have to run to keep up with his pace.

Not only do your legs hurt, but you are simply out of shape. Many weeks of trekking to this city and saving the portions of food you took with you. And also, the nerves caused by today have left you simply out of shape, out of strength.

Stumbling, your legs slowly give up and you hold your hair with one hand to keep it from being blown away by the wind, as commanded. You try not to fall behind the man.

At one point, Ghost slows down for a moment and turns his head, looking behind him.

“Damn it, faster.”

Regardless of your protests, he grabs you and lifts you off the ground.

"Hold on to me and don't let go."

He energetically grabs your hips and lifts you up, pulling your body towards him. He squeezes your plump body hard, digging into your skin. He's practically running now. You hold on to him, praying that he doesn't fall under the pressure of your weight or suddenly drop you.

However, nothing of the sort happens, and you both quickly reach one of the larger houses in the area. The only thing that distinguishes it from the others. Apart from its size, is that it has massive shutters and is not as overgrown with weeds as the others in the area.

The man opens the door locks, with one hand, and hurriedly enters the house. Finally, he sets you down on the floor, mumbles something unintelligible under his breath. He closes first one front door and then another, more massive one with multiple security features.

The room goes dark.

‘Where are we?’

You finally ask hesitantly, catching your breath. You didn't even notice when you held your breath.

‘In my house.’

He answers briefly and walks past you into the cramped vestibule, deep into the dark hallway

‘Take off your shoes and jacket, leave them here. Follow me.’

Ghost's house is warm and somehow strangely cozy. Standing in the doorway of the living room, while the man hastily closes the shutters and before the room goes completely dark, you try to look around. Get acquainted with the new surroundings.

The interior is decorated in a simple style. Plain, single-coloured shelves. The dark furniture bends slightly under the pressure of the collected objects. Against the walls, where there is no furniture, stand towers of neatly arranged things. There were a lot of objects here. Everything neatly, perfectly arranged. Books, CDs, clothes, bins, boxes containing other things (rather essential for survival and ordinary daily needs). Everything neatly and evenly grouped. You will not be surprised if you find that the man has everything carefully catalogued. So if you were to ask him for a small lithium battery of the CR1620 type, he would certainly find it in a few moments, without hesitation.

Despite the large number of items stored, the space does not seem cluttered. In the middle of the room is a large dark sofa with a small coffee table, opposite one of the walls on which is a large flat-screen TV. Looking to your right, you notice a slight glow and notice that instead of another wall with lots of cupboards and shelves filled in, there are open double sliding doors that lead into the kitchen. Now that glow reaches you, it's the light from the LED lamps above the worktop, slightly illuminating the distant room. You make a mental note to ask the man later where he gets his electricity from. Because he definitely has some sort of energy source. So it's not just the tower you were in last time that has a power source. It looks like this house has been inhabited for a long time and is definitely set up to live in such apocalyptic conditions for a long time. Rather, you could ask the man if he found this house by chance. Did he know about this building beforehand, and if not, how did he know to prepare so much?

Maybe he was one of those weirdos who believed every conspiracy theory, every rumour. Perhaps he was once in some sect that spoke of the imminent end of the world.

When Ghost finishes closing the shutters, the room is completely dark. You don't even hear the man moving around the room because suddenly you hear his low voice from behind you.

“Follow me, you need to wash up.”

It's only now that it's come to you. That's right. You must stink badly. Now the smell must be clearly noticeable in an enclosed room.

You feel a wave of shame sweep over you. Your cheeks are definitely red.

So many days of wandering, sleeping anywhere, as long as there was a roof over your head.

When you set off, you didn't take too many things with you. You mainly packed food, a sleeping bag and one thick sweatshirt, which usually served as a pillow. In order not to carry too many weight in your rucksack. You did not take excess clothing, but only the most necessary things to survive. You didn't expect to find much food along the way that was still edible. You didn't know how long the trek would take. However, you didn't think it would be that long. Too long.

So you turn away in shame, lowering your head, even though the house is dark, you are afraid of the man's gaze. You feel your way towards where the Ghost's voice had just come from.

You feel embarrassed about yourself, you must have, well literally, stank. You can't even remember the last time you washed yourself properly. Before setting off, you managed to heat up the water you had collected and washed yourself thoroughly in the bath. You don't even remember how many days ago that was. Too long ago to remember.

You have quite long hair, which you had tied up in a braid for days without even untangling it or combing it every day. Now many strands have fallen out of the braid, in fact, even your hairstyle looked more like your hair was loose than braided.

But the fatigue and frustration of the ongoing journey had subsided and you no longer cared about looking presentable. You didn't expect to meet anyone.

Seeing the soft light that spread a pleasant warm and yellow aura in the narrow corridor. You slowly approach the open door. Finally you hear the clear voice of a man from deep in the room, and he speaks to you again in the same dark and monotonous voice.

“Take a bath, you have everything you need in the bathtub”

Then, following his voice, you enter a slightly lit room.

It is a large bathroom decorated in a minimalist style. Dark tiles and silver fittings. No windows, no shelves of supplies. Simple minimalist interior.

A man stands next to a large free-standing bathtub. Without waiting for your answer, he leaves and speaks again.

“Wait a few minutes, the water needs to heat up”

Before you can say anything, Ghost pushes past you and closes the door behind him.

You stand in the room for a few moments, you feel so unreal and strange. As if you were in some hotel. On a special vacation.

There was a time, well, you hardly even remember, when you had things like hot water, warmth, a house without a dripping roof and just a safe space. Everything is prepared and at your disposal. You don't have to search for anything. Scouring shops and houses to find the thing you need like shampoo, toothpaste or a hairbrush.

You sit down on the closed toilet, gently remove your gloves and place them on the sink, having to wash them by hand to put them back on as quickly as possible.

You struggle to remove your shoes, and a terrible sight appears to your eyes: socks that were probably white were now a mixture of several colours. Brown, greyish black or crimson. With great difficulty you remove the sock, hissing loudly in pain. The cotton material has stuck to the dried blood, fusing with the cotton material of the sock and with your foot. Some of the wounds are reopening. Most of the nails are practically black. They are likely to fall off soon. Now that your feet are finally uncovered and you are free to lay them on the cold stone tiles on the bathroom floor. You breathe more deeply.

Cursing under your breath, you try to undress. You slowly stand up, shaking on your swollen legs. It seems to you that it is even worse than when you had tightly knotted shoes on your feet the whole time.

After a few moments, you slowly reach for the rest of your clothes and slowly undress, throwing your dirty clothes on the floor. The last layer of clothes, the one closest to your skin, has practically stuck to it. The material is wet, as if greasy and even hard in some places, soaked through with the sweat that your skin has secreted over many weeks.

When you finally manage to undress, with shaking legs you walk over to the bath and sit down on its edge. As you turn on the tap you almost sob with joy. It's been a long time since you've seen running water. Hot straight from the tap. It used to be a normal thing that attracted attention, today it's an incredible luxury.

You hesitantly reach your hand under the flowing stream of water and shiver with pleasure. It's really, really warm. You don't even know what you're going to say to Ghost when you get out after your bath. You are so grateful to him. There are no words now to describe your joy and gratitude over such a trivial matter as this bath.

You reach for the bottle standing next to the bath. A 3-in-1 body wash. For men. Well, you can't have everything. But even if you only had warm running water at your disposal, you wouldn't mind at all.

When the bath fills to the bottom, you slowly step into it and sit down. Despite the growing tingling on your skin and the pinching of your wounds. You lean more comfortably against the tub, tilt your head back and close your eyes. You finally feel comfortable and can relax, at least for a while. Your muscles and injured skin, although they seem to hurt less for a while, can finally rest.

Hot water heats the bathroom, slowly steam appears in this small space, it becomes stuffy.

The bath takes a really long time. You contemplate how the water will slowly warm your frozen, swollen body. You wash every inch of your body thoroughly. The gel smells nice, you can feel lavender and sandalwood.

You don't care that a man might be angry with you and full of further resentment. Because you spent so much time in the bathroom. That you used too much water.

It feels so wonderful. Blissful. You finally wash your greasy and tangled hair and massage your scalp. You feel tears coming to your eyes. For the first time in you don't know when, you feel safe, just clean and comfortable. You allow yourself moments of weakness.

Relaxed, you fall asleep, but unfortunately the bad memories haunt you once again.

Days 64-66

You

You didn't see how long it would be before these peculiar cocktails full of anxiety would kick in, so you chose the closest place that seemed comfortable. The sofa in the living room.

Lying down, you hugged one of the cushions you had taken from your parents' bedroom earlier. It was big, soft and smelled like.... Mum. Home. The closeness. Security. Stability. All the good things that no longer existed.

You don't know how much time has passed, each passing minute seems like an eternity.

Eventually your eyelids become heavier and heavier. Your breathing slows down. You fall asleep. Hoping forever.

Unfortunately, you were wrong, the mixture of drugs was not what you expected. You wake up with a terrible, huge stomach ache, headache, nausea. You don't even have the strength to open your eyes.

You vomit. You can't collect your thoughts, you don't know what's going on. There is only one thing in your head: pain, pain, pain.

All this goes on for hours, moaning in pain, nausea, fainting. Breathing problems come on suddenly, convulsions occur.

Everything is one long agony.

This is not how it was supposed to be.

You were not meant to suffer.

Tears run down your cheeks, mixing with the vomit that is practically everywhere. You must have fallen off the couch. You don't even feel yourself hitting the floor.

Everything hurts so much.

 You fall asleep for brief moments. It all continues, the pain, the crying, the momentary loss of consciousness and then back again. Vicious circle. Endless.

When it all goes away for a while, you don't have the strength to get up, you stare at the white ceiling. Your heart beats fast.

Night and day pass. In the end, everything slowly subsides. This time you have failed. Something gave you another chance. Maybe there was a reason that you survived after all.

Days 732

You

You wake up abruptly and only after a while do you remember where you are. The bath water is already cold. You sit up shrinking your legs, hugging your legs tightly to your chest, wrapping your arms tightly around them. You bury your head, trying to make the bad memories disappear, hide, or preferably erase them from your mind.

It's not just the constant, daily nightmares that remind you of the ordeal that day. When you swallowed the ground pills and the wrong mixture caused one of the side effects to appear. That night you lost some of your hearing.

Maybe it was a punishment, or maybe it was meant as a reminder. It's not worth it. You shouldn't. No.

You will never forget.

Once the water is very cold, we get out of the bath. Although your body has thankfully relaxed a little. You wrap yourself in a towel and look around the bathroom. No sign of a change of clothes. After all, you're not going to parade around in a small towel that barely covers your pudgy body.

Slowly, hesitantly, you open the bathroom door, wanting to call out and ask a man for clean clothes. Because there is no point in wearing the old ones. They are fit to burn at most. You don't believe that even the best washing machine and detergents can cope with such dirt that has dried for weeks.

Looking down the corridor you notice a few changes. The corridor is softly lit, no longer dark.

And the other thing is that there is a chair opposite the bathroom door.

And on it lie nicely stacked brand new clothes, deodorant and a toothbrush. Next to it lie plasters, bandages and wound disinfectant.

You look around the corridor, but there is no one there but you.

In the distant kitchen you hear the clink of plates and cupboards being opened. You think you hear the clatter of Riley's claws walking quickly across the kitchen floor, a very familiar sound, something known from the past.

In addition to the symphony of sounds, your nostrils are filled with a smell. Food. Dinner. Definitely a warm meal. It's all so unreal, ordinary, idyllic. So innocent and mundane. As if those two years never happened, as if you were spending your weekend off gossiping at a friend's house. And you weren't struggling in drudgery and terror to survive.

Hurriedly, feeling your stomach growl with hunger, you pick up the things Ghost left for you from the chair. You glance at the tag of one of the clothes, not only were they the right size, they were from a really good and expensive company.

Returning to the bathroom you smile slightly, hugging the fresh and tactile clothes.

Well, maybe meeting and visiting Ghost's house wasn't as bad as you thought at first.

And maybe under the mask he wasn't such a scary person after all.

taglist:

@leviathanleva @chocolate-noodles @vmaxis @poohkie90 @ghostlythots @nobodys-coffee @famouscattale @youdontneedtoknow1226 @pimpinsins @justguessfan @novasilvae @pausbirudanlumbalumba @ella2497 @lunamoonbby @sams-pineapples @tonylagsagne @lurkinwbreexy

[crooked-wasteland]

Helluva Boss and its Cancerous Structure: Skipping to the "Good Stuff"

Vivienne Madrano has the dreaded affliction of having too many characters, followed by too many ideas. And the logical narrative to link everything together to actually tell a story doesn't seem to be a high priority for her.

For starters, the main plot of the story is supposed to be the relationship between Stolas and Blitz, but every decision that has been made throughout the show has worked to decrease the interest in this plot and relationship. Let's just start at the beginning. The major interest was Blitz being an Imp while Stolas is a prince of the Ars Goetia.

The status discrepancy and how these two individuals came to be in contact was a long-standing source of intrigue that the show seemed very aware of. The first episode (actually the pilot) established a hostile relationship between the two, mainly on Blitz's side, as he was the one who obviously had the weaker position in the deal. If he refuses to sleep with Stolas, he loses the book. He loses the book. He loses his entire business. The pilot also estaished that the business was Blitz's chosen family and thus was an emotional point for his character.

Regardless of the problematic blackmail-ish pretense to the whole thing, it's a good launch pad. It would be interesting watching Stolas fall into true feelings for Blitz, or for Blitz to become aware of his own soft power within the dynamic and how much control he actually has over Stolas through his emotions. However, we never see Stolas fall in love. From LooLoo Land to Ozzie's, the relationship just is changed every time we see it. Even with the suggestions made in the bad trip sequence of Truth Seekers, we never have any actual understanding of how Blitz feels on the relationship. Is he afraid? Trapped? Does he ever realize his own strength in the dynamic? Is he resentful? It never actually settles in what the relationship actually is.

Instead, Madrano does what I think has to be the worst form of storytelling I have ever seen. Rather than watching the characters grow and become more complex, we are sent back in time to justify the relationship by contrivance. Somehow, being friends for a day over two decades prior is all the justification we need. It rewrites the earlier dynamic of Stolas using Blitz because he can to having it be that Blitz was Stolas' childhood crush. That this crush was so strong it persevered through deception, distance, and time for Stolas to immediately beg Blitz to have his way with him at his wedding anniversary party.

The complexity and intrigue on how this relationship was supposed to work was stripped of all depth and relevance. There is no journey for this relationship to take actually because they got along so well that one day, a quarter of a century ago, that their compatibility is all but assured to the viewers. There is nowhere for the relationship to actually go now, making it unnecessary to the plot while also being the primary focus of the plot.

It is a beyond fascinating faux pas that hasn't just derailed the main plot, but appears repeatedly as microcosms of everything wrong with the shows past, present, and future.

The upcoming episode has been rather highly anticipated on Twitter. However, there is an inevitable looming disappointment that hangs over the episode and thus the show at large. As it has yet to be released, this is solely speculation, but I am fairly confident in this assessment due to the trends thus far.

To be frank, this episode exists on the foundation of misunderstanding the narrative purpose of a character, namely Fizzarolli. Madrano suffers from the amateur affliction of over-creation mixed with under-exploration. While not every character needs an explicit purpose outside of expanding the world, a character to closely entwined with your main lead needs a very clear reason to being involved with the plot.

And that's where I feel this episode will crash and burn. There is no purpose to the existence of Fizzarolli. He did not need to exist for Blitz to have an unsuccessful performance career or his resentment to those who have success and fame. It adds nothing to the main character or their life.

Narratively speaking, it would make sense if Fizzarolli existed as a former or slighted love interest to Blitz who then can be used, not as a foil, but as a mirror for Blitz to be forced to contend. Because the point would then be to have Fizzarolli be the living embodiment of all of Blitz's past mistakes that he must reconcile before he and Stolas can be happy and grow their relationship.

Except, as previously mentioned, that is not a factor in the plot. The childhood friends trope between Blitz and Stolas makes this narrative unnecessary. Blitz and Stolas just are, and their conflicts are external threats (Octavia, Stella, Striker), not internal reflections of their worst tendencies. They are not at odds within themselves so much as they just seem to level up and change after every major emotional beat.

Less an MMO where you need to work for that next number through time and dedication to the world and character and more akin to those click bait ads where the most mundane change can completely alter their present self. It's unfulfilled.

Additionally, instead of focusing on the main cast, Madrano insists on reaching above her ability. To treat a minor side character as a main character is an event that is earned by first proving you understand your main characters, which has not been achieved. So, instead of experiencing the same story from the alternative perspective, it feels like a wholly new beginning unrelated to the previous concept. It feels unfinished on a narrative standpoint because the question remains, why is this story important to tell.

That's a very lean way of structuring any story, but lean is worlds better than what we are currently being fed. Bones and fat do not a hearty meal make. Learn to stand before we walk. Madrano hasn't learned quite how to crawl narratively speaking.

In Seeing Stars, the conflict between Stolas and Octavia is identical to Season 1's LooLoo Land. The one way it attempts to make up for the spiritual rerun is by trying to add a parallel secondary plot between Blitz and Loona. However, the problem between Stolas and Octavia is resolved with a simple "Whoops, I forgot" while Blitz and Loona never share a word about their problems. Rather, the episode justifies Loona's abuse of Blitz and misbehavior in general by basically saying "She's had a hard childhood". Showing a brief glimpse into said childhood for Blitz to feel guilty for attempting to set any kind of boundary and claim ownership of being the problem when, in reality he isn't the one in the wrong.

Loona is never given the opportunity to talk about herself either. Instead, she is the preaching mouthpiece for Madrano and Co to talk about how great these characters are without actually seeing any of them do those great things. Loona never speaks on herself and how insecure she feels or how she can't help but need to push Blitz's envelope constantly to feel any kind of security, waiting for him to abandon her like everyone else.

None of this is explored, instead implying that this understanding of the characters should be derived from engaging with their pasts rather than their present selves. We are not encouraged to want our characters to actively change, but to instead "remember the good times." We are not challenged to grow and adapt with age and experience, but instead should be allowed to remain the same and not be responsible for how our actions affect others.

The entire approach to character growth and complexity is antithetical to the mere definition of "Maturity".

[brekkie-e]

Sometimes I just. Dont like the internet. I can't seem to escape seeing the Astarion's Correct Path to Sexual Healing argument no matter what tags I block.

I don't want to actually wade in to it, but I just want to say that there could stand to be a LOT less hostility being spewed about when the topic is that close to many people's hearts. There doesn't need to be a more "morally" correct version of healing for him. He is in the MIDDLE of recovery. Not at the end of it. That chapter is up to interpretation to each player.

It is incredibly unkind to automatically accuse people of infantalizing him for preferring a more ace route. It does not HAVE to be infantalizing. Astarion continuing to explore his needs and boundaries and discovering that he doesn't need sex and it doesn't give him the emotional intimacy he craves can be an empowering aspect of self acceptance. That can be growth. A sign of his continued journey towards autonomy. He has spent, unironically, a lifetimee having sex. If even at the end of the day, he comes to realize it's simply disinteresting to him- that's a valid route to recovery. That doesn't make him broken. That is without even mentioning the reality some people do not go back to "baseline" as they heal. Sometimes our baseline changes because of our experiences. He may discover as time goes on that no matter how much he tries, it never stops triggering negative feelings in him. I have my own personal experiences with this, and I think there's something very powerful in accepting yourself for who you are now, and not feeling like you have an obligation to "fix yourself" and get back to a version of you that no longer exists.

The flipside?

Astarion learning to love being sexually intimate with his partner does not inherently mean that the player is ignoring his desire to "not be seen sexually." Astarion at multiple points expresses an interest in trying it out. It doesn't always go well, but it's his choice to pursue it and that should be respected. He, just like irl sex abuse survivors, should be supported as they try to create a new relationship with it. He shouldn't be discouraged from having his own desires. Being able to take something that was used to hurt you and create a new and positive relationship with it because you found someone you love and trust that is patient with you is a BEAUTIFUL story. It is narratively satisfying and also a reflection of real growth as well. Telling people that they're somehow mistreating the character for wanting that for them is also unnecessarly hostile.

There is also a secret, third option. His relationship with it might remain fluid and change constantly through out his life. Healing is not linear. His interest in it may fluctuate. His response to it might fluctuate. He may go through periods of not wanting it again. He might one day decide he wants to try it again. It's not set in stone.

All I am saying is that there SHOULD be room in this fandom for all three of these truths to exist. It shouldn't be necessary to shout from the roof tops how much he loves sex to prove a point to people who think differently than you. They may have their own reasons for resonating with him in a different way. Flipside, it is entirely uncalled for to attack people for wanting him to be able to enjoy it again.

I guess what I am trying to say is make space for and be kind to your fellow fan.

Also, Astarion has WAY more trauma than simply his relationship to sex. So like. Maybe it's time we moved past this topic collectively and discuss the many other ways his life has been affected by Cazador.

[mejcinta]

The Bias Problem with HotD Relationships and Character Dynamics.

I have a big problem with how HoTD goes out of its way to make otherwise good Fire and Blood relationships bad just for spectacle sake and to shame certain characters while elevating others as the 'better' choice.

You see this with Laena and Daemon's show! marriage where they're miserable, and Rhaenyra is presented as this eternal love that Daemon will abandon his wife's memory for in a heartbeat during her own funeral. Just note that in the book Daemon's motive for marrying Laena wasn't clear, but Laena wasn't described as being miserable in her marriage. In fact, Daemon was quite loving and caring, even to her death day.

Also, when it comes to parenting, notice how Daemon is positioned all over the Strong boys and not Baela and Rhaena. He's not even uttered a single word to teen Baela and Rhaena directly in season 1.

Furthermore, Aegon and Helaena are very different in the show, with the emphasis being put on Aegon's infidelity instead of how he navigates his, need I say 'free', marriage with Helaena. It was always interesting how in the book Helaena seems hyper aware of his actions and responds with sass to people demanding she discover where Aegon is. It was not uncommon for princes to behave the way Aegon did in his marriage, but Aegon's conduct is treated as a unique case and a blemish on his character and Helaena's on the show, where even Daemon and his whores are offered more grace. The Dyana situation did not help their portrayal either.

And let's not forget Viserys and Alicent's marriage. Whereas in the book Viserys is said to do all that he could to please BOTH Alicent and Rhaenyra, the show hammers in the point that Viserys cares jack shit about Alicent. Even what he does to 'please' her, like letting Alicent choose who Helaena should marry instead of Rhaenyra, is never shown explicitly as an effort he makes to appease his wife. "I'm going to bed, Aemma" was also a painful and invented callback to Cersei and Robert's miserable marriage, despite of Alicent and Visery's marriage in the book and show being radically different from Cersei and physically abusive Robert.

Moreover, Viserys is somehow not allowed any scenes with his children with Alicent. Aegon and him especially have not spoken in depth at all, yet Aegon is the male heir he's always wanted and was willing to sacrifice his first wife Aemma for. And no, Visery's hostile interrogation of Aegon in ep 7 doesn't count as an interaction. Meanwhile, we have countless scenes of Viserys with Rhaenyra and Daemon.

On the family front, everyone that's NOT Viserys, Daemon or Rhaenyra look like losers.

Additionally, it goes without saying that ALL these changes have served to elevate Rhaenyra and Daemon as the ideal union and dynamic on the show. The general audience that have not read the books often see them as the symbol of an ideal couple and the media continues pushing this narrative as well.

All this leaves me wondering: what changes and sacrifices will they make with Nettles or even Alys and Aemond to maintain this image of Rhaenyra and Daemon that they have constructed and elevated as the ultimate power couple at the expense of other Fire and Blood relationships?

You know it is still possible to have other couples shine in their own right, and have their merits much as they are flawed...without taking from another couple. I don't think Ryan and Co believe in this concept, though. That is why other characters and their dynamics with others have been and will be compromised.

[softysofao3]

I know it's been weeks but the JD Vance Doughnut shop video still haunts me. The amount of people who fucked up with that is astounding.

First, the preparation.

They could have contacted the owners before going. The owners might have been there, and the employees would have had warning about filming. A little research would have helped.

If you have a candidate who finds social situations difficult, prep them! I assume based on the video that it was the first time he bought doughnuts from a shop like that. They should have given him more material than just the "two dozen doughnuts, please." They could have practiced the encounter amongst themselves or JD could have done a practice stop in another doughnut place without the cameras.

Knowing him and throwing him in a semi-hostile new social setting is not a way to go. As someone who struggles with social situations, having someone film me like that would be a nightmare.

He should have had a script ready. Instead of awkwardly asking each employee how long they had worked there, he could have asked about the best things about working there. Or just anything about the product.

If you don't know how to order an assortment of doughnuts, tell them you want 1/2/3 of each. Or ask them for their favourites. Or ask about the best sellers. Anything other than "whatever makes sense".

Then the posting of the video. How the hell is someone in the year 2024 posting a video where someone explicitly states they don't want to be filmed, without AT LEAST blurring their face???? That's just basic decency people!

And who watched the video and thought the impact would be positive???? How did that video ever get released?

To my understanding (not from the US) the entire purpose of these videos is to show that the candidate is like an ordinary person. They have respect for other people, even minimum wage workers in the food industry. The JD Vance video shows the exact opposite of that. He seems to be lost among the regular people, and doesn't have any interest in what he's buying or the people serving it. I don't think I could have scripted a worse video if I tried.

I don't understand how they fucked it up that bad. Having a candidate who is not natural in these situations is not necessarily bad, but then you need to handle it better. The bar was on the floor, but they somehow still limboed under it.

[justali-anne]

My favourite interpretation of Sans that I've never actually seen much is the idea that... Okay, he's pretty much given up on most things, like stopping the resets, going back home etc. but there's that TINY part of him that's just like, "nah, you haven't given up yet, have you?" And he's trying so hard to bury that part of him or ignore it cuz it scares him or something. Like, he just wants to relax! Stop giving him anxiety, tiny bit of hope! Eventually he can't ignore it anymore and...

Well, it can go in two or three ways.

The best possible outcome is to rekindle and nurture what's left of Sans' hope. We just gotta draw it out somehow. This is where the Pacifist Route comes in. Either that or the Family neutral ending, where we spare and befriend everyone but we don't enter Alphys' lab. I guess that throughout the Pacifist Route, we do all that sparing and befriending jazz, and from a monster's perspective, it's purely inspirational, especially after a long history of hostility between the two races. Can you imagine the kind of effect our kindness could have on the almost hopeless? On someone like Sans, who firmly believes that he's given up on everything, but there's still that tiny part of him that wants to hold on, to continue? Sans' hope seems to be a fragile little thing that needs a lot of care in order to blossom. And with the Pacifist Route, we have the opportunity to do that.

Of course, there's also the option to destroy the little bit of hope Sans has left with some of the more gruesome Neutral Routes, especially ones where we kill Papyrus. Like the Leaderless ending, for instance. Here, Sans has fallen completely into despair. He's shown signs of bitterness and coldness, which isn't completely foreign to him, but it's heartbreaking for that to come from such a warm-hearted character. He's completely given up here. Brought to the absolute brink of despair from our actions.

Now, the Genocide Route is a... unique case. It's kind of a mixture of both? We put everyone through the wringer, causing as much pain as possible. We kill Sans' friends and the last remaining family he has. Surely he has fallen into despair. But then there's that funny thing he does where he fights us at the end, hoping that it would get us to go back and fix everything. Oddly enough, he seems to have fallen into despair and gained hope at the same time? It's almost like, what's the word...? Oh yeah. Desperation. It's not just about trying to stop us from destroying the world, it's not just about fixing everything and bringing back his brother, but it's also about holding onto that little spark inside of him. With this interpretation, he may be scared of hoping, but he's also scared to lose that last remaining bit of hope he has left. That could be one factor in why Sans even bothers to fight us at all. His hope, it's fragile, it's scary, but it's also important.

Honestly, I kind of see Sans as a sort of wounded optimist. Like, when despair hits, it hits HARD. And I'm guessing this is because he used to be such a big, genuine optimist before. I mean, come on! If you believe in the theory that Sans raised Papyrus, then where do you think Papyrus got it from? Sans strikes me as a guy who's desperately trying to see the good in everything. Even in the Genocide Route, he does this. Not only with the sparing trick, but there's a few points before you fight kill Papyrus where Sans tries to see the positive. For example, if you check the crossword and not skip it, he says that you can't be all bad if you like crosswords. Sweetie, no...

Sans is a strange guy. It's like he's constantly toeing the line between hope and despair, and even he doesn't know which side to go on. On one hand, hope is terrifying. It's easier to expect the worst than to hope for the best and end up feeling disappointed. But on the other hand, he needs that buried optimism. He has to find reasons to keep going, to move forward, to persevere. It's heartbreaking. He comes off as such a positive person, always smiling and joking around, wanting to make his friends happy (and I'm almost certain his goofiness isn't a complete facade, either, but that's a post for another time), so it hurts even more that someone like that is struggling so much.

Anyway, this was supposed to be a post about an interpretation of Sans that I like, but it ended up becoming some sort of analysis. Oh, well. I guess I'll just end it here.

[andorerso]

Christmas with the Andors + Erso + Kerri. For the 5 things.

oh, this one's definitely a modern AU! not Maarva friendly but I hope you guys don't expect anything else from me by now.

it's first time Cassian's introducing Jyn to his family. they started dating recently, or so they say. no, Maarva doesn't have to know they've been dating for a year. no, she doesn't have to know Cassian has met the Ersos numerous times and actually spent Thanksgiving dinner with them instead of stuck at home with the flu as he claimed. no, she doesn't have to know they're already living together. it's just... he's learned over the years that it's easier to keep Maarva out of his love life when he can. but it's been a year now, and he actually thinks he might spend the rest of his life with Jyn if she wants to as well, so they have to get over the introductions at some point.

Kerri very kindly pretends she's never met Jyn before and hasn't known about her all along. no, Maarva doesn't have to know they went Christmas presents shopping together just last week. hey ma, isn't Jyn great? don't know what she sees in my idiot brother, but I'm happy for them.

well, Maarva's not sure she agrees. she isn't being outright hostile or rude, but there's always that undercurrent of judgment in her tone. Cassian's so used to it, he almost doesn't notice, that's just how Maarva talks, but Jyn definitely notices and is a bit off-put that this seems to be the norm. Maarva's skeptical, suspicious, inquisitive, definitely overbearing. she doesn't suspect their treachery, but she's clearly evaluating Jyn like she's at a job interview applying for a position in their family, and somehow Jyn doesn't think she's passing.

honestly, she doesn't even care. let the woman think what she wants, what matters is Cassian's opinion. but Cassian's clearly getting more and more pissed off by the second. this is why he never introduces his partners, this is why he waited a year to even tell them about Jyn. Kerri tries to remain cheery, and Clem does his best to keep the tension at bay, but there's no way it doesn't all end in an explosive argument once Cassian finally snaps. in the heat of the moment, he lets it slip that not only has he and Jyn been dating for a year, they've also moved in together last month. the oven pings at that exact moment to signal that the pie is ready. shockingly, no one wants any.

Jyn feels like it's probably best for her to leave at that point. she was gonna spend the night here with Cassian but it doesn't seem like such a good idea now, and although she would like to stay and support him, her presence is probably only making things worse. she gets up to excuse herself, but Cassian absolutely panics, thinking this is it, Maarva has successfully driven her away, because why would he be worth enduring this treatment, what sane person would want to put up with it every year? he follows her outside in a desperate haze to apologize, and she reassures him she's not that easy to scare away. I'm not dating your mother, Cassian, I'm dating you, she says while stroking his cheek. Cassian lets himself lean into her touch, relaxing for what feels like the first time that entire night. yeah, he's gonna have to go back in there and have a very difficult conversation with his mother, and it's not gonna be pretty, and there might be tears and screaming, but right now, it's just the two of them with flakes of snow falling around them and their breaths mingling in the cold air and nothing's going to ruin this moment. (inside, Kerri's definitely yelling, and he can hear Clem's soothing tone once again trying to play the peacemaker. just about how your average Andor dinner would go. Merry fucking Christmas.)

[veliseraptor]

potential (and very self indulgent) au: jiang yanli and jiang cheng join wei wuxian in becoming demonic cultivators

oooh, fun. I have kind of a hard time making this one work in my head (especially for jiang cheng, actually), but let's see here, I've been Challenged so I'm going to make it work

first off, Jiang Cheng - I think the initial requirement here is that the Jiang Sect is never reconstructed. whether that's because it's just too wrecked to rebuild or for whatever reason Jiang Cheng can't hold it (the sect) together (unfair to Jiang Cheng imo, but handwave), but if Jiang Cheng has a sect to protect that he will never see decimated like it was before again, I don't think he would ever turn to demonic cultivation and the risks it entails (politically, socially, etc.). even though in the immediate aftermath of Sunshot Wei Wuxian's skills aren't considered with quite the same hostility they are later, they still are pretty quickly increasingly suspect by society at large.

the other possibility here would be the core transplant not working out, somehow - either temporarily succeeding and then there's some kind of rejection, or it just never succeeds and both Jiang Cheng and Wei Wuxian end up coreless. Jiang Cheng seizes on the one means he now has to get revenge for the death of his family, and maybe believing that he couldn't lead a sect without his cultivation (I don't think it would necessarily be impossible, but he didn't ask me) he doesn't try to rebuild Jiang Sect at all.

the hard one here I think is Jiang Yanli, who doesn't seem to have significant cultivation ambitions in general, and certainly her brothers would both heavily push back against her practicing something as dangerous as demonic cultivation, particularly considering she seems to have a delicate constitution.

(I'm personally partial when it comes to demonic cultivator Jiang Yanli to it happening after Wei Wuxian's death, with also a dead Jiang Cheng and Jin Zixuan, driven by a need to protect and fear for Jin Ling, but that doesn't suit this particular AU. in this maybe she's just driven/motivated by the need to protect her brothers, who are both walking a dangerous path now.

this would have the side effect of probably nixing her marriage to Jin Zixuan entirely, since she's not going to be looking terribly eligible under the circumstances - and wouldn't be bringing a sect alliance with her. Jin Guangshan isn't going to go for that one, love match or not.

all three of them in this scenario no longer have the protection of a sect behind them, though, which puts them in an even more precarious position - pressure to join one, certainly, but also putting them on the fringes of things, which is not a good place to be in the cultivation world.

the trouble here is going to still come with the Wen remnants, though - Wei Wuxian still feels obligated to protect them, and Jiang Cheng perhaps even more emphatically in this AU (particularly if he's coreless) does not. without the need to protect the sect Jiang Cheng might land in a different place than he does in canon, but it definitely would put a strain on their relationship, and the last thing that they need at that point would be to be divided as society gets increasingly hostile.

I have a hard time envisioning this AU going anywhere good, tbh; I feel like it ends in a blaze of glory with all three siblings dead in a siege on the Burial Mounds. but maybe that's my pessimism talking. maybe their powers combined could hold off the force of the cultivation world's hostility pressing down on them. but it doesn't look great for our heroes.

[moosemonstrous]

(don't mind me cannibalising my own bits from before 😳)

Ghost Rider Pacific Rim AU - build your own nightmare

Yegor Ivanov is in charge of security on a large, well-appointed quasi-military base housing twenty thousand people – mostly J-techs and their families, but also a sizeable assortment of soldiers, scientists, medical staff, relief workers and support crew. It’s the most stable job he’s ever had. The general populace is just so grateful for the giant robots he deploys to fight the ever-nastier demons crawling out of the Breach, he barely has to pay any attention to the actual security part of it. His subordinates haven’t reported a single issue they couldn’t deal with themselves in years. His approval makes or breaks people’s careers. He has the respect of the international leaders for keeping Hong Kong off of their priority list. Somehow, in this beautiful, messed up world he managed to carve himself out an existence most people can only dream of. It doesn’t come without its share of headaches, though.

He has been pretty careful in building his strike team. He has the final word on every new ranger. He’s been saddled with a Stark from the very beginning, but while the current one is prone to sticking his nose where it doesn’t belong, there is a definite advantage to working with someone who can handwave away what would usually be weeks of financial advisory committees. That seems to be the balance of things – trade a tiresome but overall manageable personality defect for a fantastically useful professional benefit. If nothing else, Yegor is good at dealing with tiresome personalities.

Brooks is barely an effort – military history, some very helpful connections in the underground and, for the defect, as-of-yet undefeated idealism. He can't be trusted with the more... sensitive issues, but tends to stick to the point in meetings, which is why he usually leads on the tactical debrief. This, like most things, backfires as soon as Cho gets involved.

“We’re talking about positioning,” Brooks says. “We’ll get to the hindsight part later.”

“Not if you’re going to point fingers like that. I can’t tell for sure until I get the hide, but drone footage shows the scales opening under pressure, here, let me—"

“Gentlemen,” he interrupts before their argument devolves any further. “Before Mr Reyes loses consciousness, if you please.”

Reyes startles from where he’s been daydreaming in his seat at the table. Every now and then, when the light hits just right, his damaged eye seems to reflect it, like some sort of a nocturnal animal. Like he doesn't give Yegor enough creeps as it is.

There are vanishingly few advantages to having Reyes on the team, but Yegor only has himself to blame for this. Most of the old guard making decisions around Hell Charger’s fate ten years ago have either died or retired into obscurity; other than himself, there is scarcely anyone left to confirm whether the similarities he’s seeing are truly there or just a product of his imagination. Even the way he shreds the label off the bottle of water in his hands, a perfectly common nervous tick, or the way he fidgets like he can’t wait for the meeting to be over – everything is just a little too close.

Not to mention his uncanny overnight progress with martial arts. Or the way he used the chain to choke out a Cat-4 demon. The chain that, as far as anyone can tell, he never had any training with.

Eli was always so fond of his garrotte.

“Sorry,” Reyes mutters, and looks at the wrapper confetti in his hands like he’s only just noticed it.

“As I was saying,” Brooks shoots Cho an impatient glance, but if Cho can be relied on for anything, it is to switch his focus to the weirdest thing in the room and Reyes certainly matches that description. “The last three attacks confirm we need to shorten our approach time. The demons are clearly prioritising civilian targets over a head-on fight with the closest hostile. The jaegers were too spread out, and until the core replacement program gets going we don’t have the speed advantage.”

“I get that,” says Danvers. “But what you’re proposing gives us very little space to react without running into land.”

“Where the jaegers outperform a demon every time,” Brooks points out. “As proven yesterday – even a rookie like Reyes can catch one when the water only goes up to your knees.”

Yegor didn’t truly believe all of his problems would be solved by putting the kid directly in a line of fire, but some part of him is still disappointed. It’s like the universe conspires to ensure at least one Reyes is always a thorn in his ass, and removing it risks perforating a goddamn artery. On one hand, Razorback slithering right past Eden Assassin and making a beeline for the coast is certainly bad news – Yegor has by now learned not to underestimate it when the beasts develop new strategies. On the other, he can’t pretend he wasn’t hoping it will make a short work of Hell Charger before the others caught up to her. On one hand, he’s sure to get the credit for taking a risk on a new ranger and saving Taipei. On the other, the new ranger has so far evaded several ways his removal could be considered innocuous and if Yegor gets any more direct in his approach, someone will notice. Cho has already made him his new fixation, and Stark is like a dog with a bone – it was a mistake to play the hardass card with him to start with. He’s less likely to be helpful now that he’s fallen for the sad orphan routine. Yegor has been making too many mistakes around Reyes, and that on its own is also familiar.

“We have to run this by other Shatterdomes before implementation,” he says, mainly to head off further squabbling. He nods at Brooks. “Work with Reyes on his ability to follow a direct order until we get a confirmation.”

“That’s unfair,” Cho rallies to his pet project’s defence again. “What was he supposed to do, let that thing hit the pier?”

Amadeus Cho is a thorn all of his own. Yegor stopped worrying about him months ago, when it became clear that there was indeed nothing tying him to Banner’s untimely demise. This much interest in not just The Charger but her pilots, though... “Mr Reyes is present to defend his choices, if he so wishes.”

He could, too. Any ranger at the table would likely do the same thing – throw themselves at the danger instead of staying clear of it when told, like a functional human being. If either Yegor or Brooks were to really press the matter, at least one of the pilots would acknowledge it, and he isn’t looking to initiate any feelings of solidarity. Of course, in this one thing Reyes is more obviously like his father than like his uncle – he doesn’t run his mouth at every opportunity. If he spoke up, Danvers or Summers would try to assert their dominance, which would inevitably lead to an argument with the twins, who have been keen on preserving their lone agent status despite the circumstances. Yegor could use the resulting hurt feelings without looking like he has a stake in the game beyond what can be expected. Instead, Reyes merely shakes his head, further convincing everyone that he’s a harmless newbie rather than–

What is this kid, exactly? More than a liability – he’s a threat. Yegor panicked once already, hoping to engineer a tragic accident, and only ended up making the problem worse. He needs to keep a cool head about this. Reach out to Chau, maybe, see if he’s noticed any mutilated bodies showing up on the island. Refresh the surveillance kit so he doesn’t have to rely on Barton for everything. And put a better face on meanwhile – Hell Charger stopped Razorback from barging right into the coast, where it would’ve decimated the ground troops in a blink of an eye. The press is going to want in on the new hero, which will only make the whole situation that much more complicated. You can’t quietly remove someone whose mug is on every news report for a week.

Yegor doesn’t buy for a second that Reyes turned back up in Hong Kong after a decade purely by accident. Not when he’s clearly trained in all of Eli’s favourite moves. Not when he isn’t asking any of the obvious questions, like he already knows what the answers are.

Not when his mask slips sometimes, and he looks at Yegor like he’s only delaying the inevitable to watch him squirm.

##

(in the highly probable event this doesn't come across clearly, Razorback managed to slip past the jaegers and would've hit a beach if Robbie didn't react. He was ordered not to engage, bc that was the agreed tactic and the others were only minutes away. For ~some reason~ he decided to catch himself a demon instead.)

(yes it is my experience that 90% of any major operations is meetings that could've been a quarter of the time if people stuck to the point, Amadeus would be my enemy at work. I've also cut out his entire aside about ecological impact of trying to curtail urban run-off so that will probably show up elsewhere in a good time)

[lhs3020b]

Was Vashti a Morlock ... ?

Today, I'm considering the possibility that EM Forster's "The Machine Stops" is actually set in the same world as Wells's "The Time Machine".

Consider.

Both stories posit deep-future worlds that have experienced social change we would find disorienting. Both have canonical subterranean societies. Both also have a surface-dwelling population who are isolated from the undergrounders, and relations seem to have a hostile edge. The Time Traveller asserts that Morlocks predate on the Eloi; meanwhile, according to Kuno, the Machine will directly-attack any surface dweller who gets too close.

Of course, this idea leads to the amusing conclusion that Vashti and Kuno are actually Morlocks - though, Vashti is described as being short and very pale, which actually does (slightly) fit with what little we see of the Morlocks in "Time Machine". (Neither she nor Kuno are described as being furry, but on the other hand, neither of them is described as not being furry either, so make of that what you will!)

The inconsistencies are that Vashti's world is described as brightly-lit, at least up until the end - though, it is notable that she turns the lights off when she's on the videophone thing to Kuno, and also there is my speculation that Morlock eyes actually work in what we'd consider the infrared. Maybe it's brightly-lit to Vashti, but it wouldn't be to us. (A tangential speculation, in this case, is to wonder whether the shift to seeing in the infrared happened naturally, or whether it was deliberately-engineered at some point - perhaps as a cost-saving measure for lightbulbs or something. There is more-than-a-suggestion in "The Machine Stops" that the population are subject to a program of eugenics, though its intentions are ones we would find surprising even for eugenicism.) The other major inconsistency is that the Time Traveller never sees any airships - that said though, perhaps he's simply in an area which isn't under any Machine-regulated flightpaths, so in that scenario, of course he wouldn't, would he?

Also the Time Traveller's 802,701 AD is described as being uncomfortably warm, whereas Vashti and Kuno both consider the aboveground world to be cold and bitter - but, this could simply be an acclimatisation effect? Living underground, Vashti is simply used to it being very warm? Given that the Machine civilisation is subterranean, it could be that we would consider it very warm in their tunnels and pods. After all, temperatures start to rise the deeper you go, as you're getting closer to the mantle (and, ultimately, the Earth's inner core).

Another detail of similarity between the two settings is that the Morlocks' world connects to the surface through apertures that the Time Traveller compares to wells. The old access tunnel that Kuno finds distinctly-reminds me of one of those Morlock "wells", complete with the rung-steps up the inside.

One more possibility is that the Time Traveller arrived some time after the Machine stopped; this would explain both the disrepair of what infrastructure he observes, and also possibly the Eloi-phagy. After all, following the collapse of the Machine civilisation, its survivors are food-insecure! (This, of course, assumes we accept the Time Traveller's interpretation of the Morlocks as cannibals; as I've discussed before, I'm not convinced of that.)

The one remaining detail that doesn't quite fit is that the air of the aboveground world of the Machine is apparently somehow toxic, and the Time Traveller has no difficulty breathing. But perhaps the toxicity is overstated, and Vashti and Kuno are simply too used to a highly-filtered gas mix? There is also some evidence in the text that the Machine, or its agents in whatever government their civilisation has, have been lying about just how toxic and dangerous the surface world is. Kuno's experience proves that some sort of human life is still possible up there, and indeed some passages imply that he may have eventually been able to adapt to the outer air in time.

In fact, the narrative may hint at an alternative explanation for the "toxic" air. When Kuno tries to open the pneumatic plug at the top of the shaft, he and the plug are apparently blown clear of the shaft, popped out like a cork from a bottle. And, the air from the shaft is at such a flow-rate that it's able to keep his respirator floating aloft above it for several hours. It's not clear why exactly the catacombs were designed like this, but it does seem clear that the air pressure inside is much higher than out on the surface of the Earth.

When Machine-denizens emerge onto the surface and feel ill, are they actually being poisoned, or are they experiencing a form of altitude sickness? One that perhaps the respirators mitigate by supplying extra oxygen? Perhaps the cause for the collapses Machine-people apprarently suffer on the surface isn't chemical toxicity, but rather something like a pulmonary embolism caused by a sudden change in air pressure? Perhaps if they had time to acclimatise more gently, they might be fine.

Anyway, all of this is far from proven, but it's an entertaining scenario nonetheless.

[kitkatopinions]

Honestly there was no point at all to the Ever After. I'm being serious. Every conflict that was brought up or supposedly resolved in V9 could've been gone over in Vacuo and probably would've been more effective there except for conflicts specifically made for volume V9 like Little's storyline and the Cat and turning Jaune super old.

Jaune struggling with his trauma of having killed Penny? Him still kind of suffering from Pyrrha? Him fighting with Ruby? Him learning to accept that he can't save everyone and Hunters make mistakes? ALL of that could've been done in Vacuo with no Hand of the Creator forcing him along or randomly turning him into a forty year old. In fact, his storyline would be much better if he was still a nineteen year old, if Penny's death was still right at the forefront of his mind and not kind of forced to share with Alyx, Lewis, and the People Pleasers.

Weiss struggling with the loss of her home? Feeling like they failed and trying to correct it? Trying to push everyone to keep working so they can get somewhere? Struggling in a terrain and with circumstances she is not used to? All of that could also be accomplished easily in Vacuo and we could also be getting her dealing with her family and trying to help them deal with the sudden changes to their lives too (which would also make it easier to explain her not being there for Ruby.)

Blake and Yang getting together? Blake being the optimist? Blake being in a position to tell the others things? Yang being reckless and not taking things seriously? Both Blake and Yang somehow missing the giant 'Ruby is Not Okay' flags? All of that could also be accomplished in Vacuo. Blake could know more about Vacuo and how people there might react to the crisis because of the experience she's had with people from other kingdoms (being close to Sun, being in the White Fang all her life,) and she canonically comes from an improvished land with a desert outside. Also then there's again reason for at least Blake not being super observant with Ruby because of possibly her reconnecting with Sun (who let's be honest she still seems much closer to considering Blake and Ruby had like one weird conversation since... Volume one.)

(Discussion of attempted suicide beneath the keep reading)

Ruby feeling like a failure and struggling with the weight of everything? Her reacting to Penny's death? Her feeling like she's on her own here and needs people to step up? Her starting to feel like she doesn't even want to be herself anymore? Her lashing out at her friends and running off? All of that could be better in Vacuo. And honestly Ruby never should've 'tried to stop being herself and remove herself from existence' at all, but if the writers were dead set on doing it, then they wouldn't be able to backtrack if this was in Vacuo, and Ruby would actually have to get better the way everyone in the real world has to get better, after her attempt failed, and then her friends wouldn't be able to just brush it off as 'her choice' when she tried to kill herself, and the writers would've been forced to treat it seriously and not like something they can just write the girls to be flippant about because "it isn't really suicide." Everything for Ruby would've been improved if this had been a Vacuo season because the authors wouldn't have easy backtrack takebacks that let them be lazy and ultra harmful and make the rest of Ruby's team look like total jackasses who don't actually care about her that much.

Neo's storyline would also be better if she'd just followed them to Vacuo, because her semblance could still evolve, but she wouldn't take over the Jabberwalker which should by all rights make her even more OP than her semblance evolution already made her despite the fact that she was already one of the most OP characters in the show. Neo could hang back trying to get Ruby one on one because she's outnumbered in a kingdom that would be hostile against her and she doesn't want to show herself too quickly, instead of having her attack the team repeatedly and be beaten back despite their weakened state when she by all rights should've been running circles around them. Neo eventually accepting Roman's death and deciding to give up her revenge could still have happened - and hey, since death is still real and the writers would have to actually face the seriousness of suicide, maybe they wouldn't have had Neo commit suicide and have it brushed off as a good end to her character!

Also the exposition we get in the Ever After about the backstory of the gods is so not important. The only way it'll be important is if either the gods turn out to be the real big bads (which I think would be a bad idea) or the solution to the Salem problem winds up being 'stick her in the Ever After so she's someone else's problem' (another really bad idea.) Everyone's speculations that the Cat was going to be the guardian of the Crown of Choice turned out to be not true, and everyone's speculations that they'd figure out how to defeat Salem through some revelation they'd learn in the Ever After turned out to not be true, and the speculation that Oz hid the Beacon relic in the Ever After turned out to be not true or at least very much so not relevant at all right now.

Literally, the only reason I can see that the Ever After exists is 'because it was planned from the beginning' (likely meaning they had a vague 'lol what if the characters fell into a wonderland world' concept they never fleshed out) and because the writers cannot seem to manage to write character growth and plot to happen at the same time anymore and also don't know how to write growth or change in a good natural way. So they put their characters in Hand of the Creator Land and just said 'the universe was being weird' every time they forced something to happen. Literally might as well have called the world MKEK land instead of the Ever After and made 'the tree' actually four writers storyboarding the characters' adventures as they went along, who could tell Jaune 'the script says you need to accept death now and think you're a good hunter despite all of your...that, also we're the ones who made you old because we wanted all your fanboys to feel super sad for you.'

It just feels like everything would be improved by just cutting the Ever After entirely.

[waywardsalt]

thinking abt bellum v hard. (fyi there are 1658 words under this cut)

there's not a lot of concrete stuff to think abt but there ideas. he's kind of already won by the time link shows up on the scene. he's not really actively antagonizing the world of the ocean king, he mostly just has the ghost ship to go around collecting prey for him while he has the yook and anouki turned against each other and seems to have infested the different temples and whatever with monsters to delay any opposition. is he the one who destroyed the cobble kingdom? they're meant to be supporters of the ocean king so i think we can guess that bellum is the one who tried to eradicate them.

maybe he was the one who... mind controlled? or otherwise meddled with the yook to keep them from checking out the ice temple and keeping the anouki occupied with dealing with them. (tbh theres some untapped potential in the relationship between the yook and anouki) he doesn't really do anything to the gorons but maybe he doesn't see them as a worthwhile threat since they see the crimsonine as more of an artifact and not something they should really do anything with, and link has to pass a test to even be allowed to go to the temple. the cobble kingdom is already destroyed, and it can be assumed that he mightve mimicked their engineering based on eox being the hostile boss of the last temple and turning into sand, suggesting a relationship to bellum, and maybe that he's trying to hide the fact that he's the one fucking with everyone. i'm not even sure if characters (besides the main group) even know that bellum exists until link's quest is more known.

taking a note from the manga, where bellum says something along the lines of feelings of love and friendship creating more worthwhile life force for him, so taking that into account with stuff in the game suggests that he maybe doesnt make his presence well-known to avoid something like a mass panic or a persistent fear in people, which could downplay positive emotions that makes their life forces more worth taking to him along with other worthwhile forces maybe being ones connected to divine power (like his taking of tetra and seeming desperation to keep her specifically, since she's most likely a descendant of hylia's mortal form), so he likely is very hands-off with how he's affected the world in order to preserve the value of his prey, somehow. idk why he turns people into statues maybe its a preservation method. maybe hes saving tetra for some reason or maybe trying to bait link in as well. maybe he wants to grab link, too, but failed to catch him the first time and resorted to allowing him to go down the path of dismantling bellum's work all so that bellum can try and capture him himself.

the spirits he does manage to capture and left alive and instead just sealed away within their temples, which i believe is because spirits and gods and whatever in loz can't really die unless they explicitly permanently become mortal (hylia) and can only really be sealed away temporarily in some form, mostly due to a lot of them being a sort of representation of some part of the world (i like to imagine that demise is the god or whatever who created monsters, he's the father of monsters and opposes hylia due to the way her favored creatures [hylians ig] attack and kill monsters and he wants the world to be habitable and safe only for his creations)

it's probably safe to say that the ghost ship (like. the whole thing) was created by bellum, and in some form is perhaps some kind of living being, hence why bellum is capable of effectively possessing it the way he does, since it's an extension of himself like the boss monsters, it just maybe takes parts from some existing ships, or maybe it's not alive and bellum is capable of creating large structures like that he is compatible with.

bellum himself turns to sand when he is defeated, as well as most of the other boss monsters, but the cubus sisters (who certainly have a relationship with bellum due to having the same eyes and being connected to the ghost ship) do not turn into sand, which makes me think that bellum didn't actually create them; maybe they're corpses or something being remotely puppeted by bellum.

bellum is clearly made up of the sand of hours, a crystallization of life force, and oshus is said to have used those sands to create the phantom hourglass, and the sands are also mentioned to have been created from the force gems connected back to oshus himself, so bellum was probably created from those force gems and therefore those sands of hours at some point somehow (i enjoy the idea that oshus was the one who created bellum; with oshus being our main source of info on bellum, i think it'd be interesting if he was the one who originally made bellum but obscures this fact by just talking about how he 'appeared' and whatnot).

bellum seems to have a weird sort of... inverted? perverted? ability to create life (perhaps a sort of parallel to the one we can assume the ocean king has if we assume that he created the three spirits as well as bellum maybe) but only in a hivemind or derivative sort of way, only able to create things that follow simple commands and when he possesses something else he takes it over. (i like to take him in a more biological or physiological way rather than magical, when he is removed so is the control, but there might be little remnants, but his influence is gone. i take bellumbeck aftereffects to be terrible sickness rather than others going with the idea of taking on some bellum-like traits or residual controls. the things bellum creates can only follow simple rules unless he is directly in control therefore he can use it as he wishes, but if he takes control of something he did not create, it's a bit more of a battle, he has to contend with that other being's subconscious or whatnot and has no effect unless he is physically connected. his control is more limited and ends up incorporating some of the hosts' subconscious desires with some guiding from bellum himself to achieve a favorable outcome.)

with the world of the ocean king being a sort of parallel/separate world to link n tetra's great sea, it's interesting that the ghost ship can be physically present outside the world in which it was created. definitely there can be contact between different worlds in loz (like hyrule and the dark world/lorule in alttp/albw and a little bit with termina if you take that as a literal place and a little bit with koholint and then the twili realm and whatever i'm missing) but it's interesting to see bellum as a villain capable of (in some way) contact and interact within other worlds and drag inhabitants of those other worlds into his own (oshus can send people out of his world, so i assume he can also bring them in, maybe that's how link gets in despite falling off of the ghost ship, unless somehow the ghost ship is still within the world of the ocean king but is also present in the great sea but the area around it is a fragment of whatever part of the world of the ocean king its in superimposed over the great sea... idk) so it's interesting that bellum could bc considered a villain able to tamper with or at least interact with world boundaries to let things in and out, maybe it's something that he is only capable of with whatever power he's attained by the start of the game.

whatever relationship he may have to oshus and the other spirits is not at all a part of the game, but at the same time we don't learn a whole lot about them anyways. there's also stuff with the chief of the golden frogs as another ally of oshus, but i imagine bellum didn't bother with him because he has no relation to the spirits' locations and the pure metals, and zuaz was left alone perhaps because his location is secret, while astrid and kayo were maybe found due to living on a more populated island (more prey for bellum to go after, more people to know about astrid and kayo). a lot of the monsters in the dungeons were probably already there, while the bosses were specifically made to protect what was hidden there, or maybe the bosses came first and their presences attracted other monsters.

i think bellum created the two monsters you fight overseas on the spot; they existed specifically to try and kill link because at those two times (link going to get the final spirit and link going to get the first pure metal) bellum suddenly panics and decides to try and eliminate link at the cost of the loss of a possible worthwhile piece of prey. bellum was probably also the one to begin the rumor of the ghost ship; i imagine he can take a sort of human form the same way oshus can, and spent a bit of time after defeating oshus and creating the ghost ship integrating him within some pirate crew and using them to grow and spread the rumor of the ghost ship, eventaully leading them towards it and taking them has his first victims (and along the way taking the time to foster good relationships with them in the hopes that their positive emotions and feelings would make them more worthwhile prey, back to the manga snippet idea of feelings of friendship and love [and probably positive emotions in general] being another form of better life force).

bellum's cool

[allthefujoshiunite]

Hi, I hope you're okay.... Please just answer my ask whenever you're free....I just read your blog about BL manga koimonogatari, and really loved your writing....also I agree with you, I wish yuiji and yamato just end up as friends...But I think it will end up with yuiji x yamato (based on the mangaka's author note in vol 2)? It is the first manga where I want the mc and male lead not end up romantically (even though I know it's BL)...Do you think it's weird? Have you ever read a BL manga where you don't ship the mc with male lead?

I hope you're safe and sound with your loved one....

Hello, thank you for the message. I and my loved ones are safe, but being okay is a different matter because the situation somehow keeps getting worse.

About my post on Koimonogatari. It was a post that I forgot about until I received two hostile comments under it in 2021. Back in 2015, my level of English proficiency was much lower than it is today, and rereading it now, there are two points that I don't agree with my past self, and some other parts I still think the same, but I'd make sure to word my opinions much differently. After those comments, I decided to write another post on this topic but I didn't have the time. So thank you for asking about it and giving me the chance to go back.

One opinion I'd word better now is that even though my blog is my own space and I'm free to voice my personal opinions however I wish as long as I maintain a respectful tone, the line between something being wrong and something that doesn't appeal to me seems blurry in the post.

I have to emphasize that the creator(s) is the sole person who's in charge of their creation. If they themselves search for reader comments/reactions and change the course of the story of their own accord, fine. But readers should never tag the artists or comment under their tweets when their work is not going the way they personally want. You can read more on Japanese fandom policy "don't like/don't read" here.

I keep saying this like a broken record, but I CRAVE for variety. Commercial BL is highly satisfactory when it comes to tropes or settings, but I still feel like there's a lack of experimentation when it comes to interpersonal relationships, specifically romance. If I were to lay it out more openly, even though two BL titles can focus on completely different settings (let's say one is a yakuza and the other is a high school BL) and the intricacies of the plot would progress differently, the relationship still goes from point A to B and then to C, or start from B, go back to A and arrive at C. This is not me boasting or being full of myself, but it's very rare for a BL title to truly impress me with its plot structure, the way it deals with the age-old tropes, or introduce a nuanced look into relationships. This holds true regarding friendship/allyship as well. Now, it's a no-brainer that by definition, BL is a genre that focuses on male/male romantic and/or sexual relationships. So at first, it seems contradictory to expect a story to focus on the friendship between a straight-identifying and an LGBTQ+ person.

Why should this be considered "contradictory", though? Why can't friendship between a straight-identifying and an LGBTQ+ person be worthy enough to study both queer and non-queer relationships in fiction? Back when I first read Koimonogatari's first volume in 2015, I was SO mesmerized by the way Yuiji and Yamato were introduced, the way they, just by being themselves, were holding mirrors to each other, the way Yamato gained strength just by being accepted and heard and in contrast, Yuiji questioned his own stance on romantic love because, in the heteronormative world he lives in, he never suspected the typical flow of his relationship with his girlfriend before.

I understand that this is partially a "me" thing. Friendship is extremely important to me to the point where I may be bold to say it's sacred. That puts shipping in an awkward position for me; on one side I love the dynamic two characters have and I immediately want to ship them, but that also means I love them as friends as well and, as I have said in my old post, why shouldn't two people just get along well? Throughout my adolescent life, I was frustrated with other friends immediately wiggling their eyebrows at me whenever I got close to a guy. Just because I identified as a woman and my friend identified as a man and we stood next to each other and got along meant that something romantic had to develop between us, and that mindset, for me, devalued friendship.

Because of my personal views and values, and the beautiful and delicate approach to Yuiji and Yamato's friendship, Koimonogatari was a very special title for me. That post, although the language sounds brusque, was meant to underline this: friendship is valuable in and of itself and shouldn't be regarded as anything but a stepping stone toward romantic feelings. I couldn't see a romantic relationship blooming between Yuiji and Yamato in such a short span of time, and I had wished for things to stay the way they are. Despite what that commenter thinks, I'm allowed to expect whatever the F I want out of a fictional work. The creator's intentions and my engagement with the said work is a completely different matter.

I've recently reread the first two volumes and admittedly, I can picture budding romantic feelings between the two if the series were to be stretched out to four volumes in total. Another point I disagree with my past self is that, if a fandom readily jumps at the Shippy Bandwagon just because two characters stand next to each other, they can ship them. I was wrong to say fandom shouldn't ship and if something annoys me or makes me uncomfortable, it's my duty to remove myself from the circle and not the fandom's job to comply with my needs/expectations. Other than these two points, I stand by my expectations of Koimonogatari and the questions I asked back then are ideas that I still play around with in my head.

In the end, we are free to expect whatever we want from a story, and the creators are equally free to do whatever they want.

Have you ever read a BL manga where you don't ship the mc with male lead?

To answer your question, there have been such works, yes. This is usually the case when there's a love triangle is introduced, and having a Second Lead Syndrome, I usually ship the MC with the person that comes along to create strain between the MC and his unrequited love. To give an example, this always happens when the MC is childhood friends with the guy whom he has had a giant crush on for years, and one day, the second love interest comes into play. MC's feelings sway but he ends up with the childhood friend in the end. I personally hate this plot structure with every fiber of my being for several reasons, thus I avoid reading series with the love triangle + childhood friends combo. But I won't go into detail here.

Sorry, l rambled too much but as I have said I've been meaning to write about this topic. Koimonogatari will forever be a special series and ever after all these years, I'm looking forward to its completion. And it goes without saying but I fully respect Tagura Tohru's choice of ending.

Have a nice day!

[606nox]

Savanaclaw x subnatica reader

Leona x subnatica reader

Leona had heard about you cuz let's be honest he wasn't paying attention during the ceremony so only heard about you from everyone else he wished he hadn't at first but after he found out how you fought a blot monster and commanded some NRC students he was honestly a little interested but also was too lazy to talk to you and also doesn't care too much well that was until you guys meet in the school garden you looked freaked out he assumed that you didn't know he was there because you ran in here looking side to side he could only guess that you were hoping to find a place to calm down because you didn't look sad or mad but you did look frantic he could tell that you were restraining yourself he didn't understand why you were so freaked out but what he could understand was that right now wasn't a good time to make himself known and it's not that you scared him or anything like that he just knew when to step down and this was one of those times he watched as you almost slammed yourself against the wall and slid down and sat down and looked at the plants you seemed to be abmiring them you looked at the plants like they gave you relief to see them well that was until you finally noticed leona's piercing eyes on you to which you responded with a jump up from your sitting position and reaching for something on your belt it alarmed him but he just calmly told you that he wasn't gonna hurt you and you couldn't really see any hostile intent so your brain got out of fight or flight mode a little bit you were still on edge you lowered your arm away from your belt you just stood there for a good few seconds before any one said anything

What was that about herbivore

I just remembered something I didn't like so I came here

Why here

I don't like water that's why I'm here plants remind me of land so I came here to calm down

Next time don't interrupt my nap

Normally you wouldn't be very passive but you were just still calming down from the ptsd attack so you didn't respond and instead went to your next class you were honestly really surprised that he pulled you out of the state you were in maybe it was the shock from how blunt he was and how he sounded so patronizing saying the name herbivore. You don't know why it was so patronizing but it just felt that way. Either way, you hoped that the lion guy wasn't there a lot you didn't think it was really a good idea to be around someone while like that you still have memories of the creatures from that planet the mesmer, amplee , crab squid all creatures that you disliked to be around and hated it at the worst you never liked loud sounds but you hated them now. Before you knew it it was time for lunch and ace and deuce dragged you out of the class quickly because they wanted out of that class as fast as they could get out. Once you got your food you found out there was a big sale or something like that happening and somehow grim got his hands or paws on a popular cheese sandwich you didn't get why it was so popular it didn't look like anything special but then again you had to eat fish for a year straight so you weren't too picky about what you ate as long as it wasn't fish you've had enough fish for a long time but just when grim was celebrating his win the of getting the sandwich when you saw a familiar face from the ceremony it was that hyena guy what was he here for its not like you guys ever talked before but you were snapped out of thoughts when grim traded his sandwich for a hot dog bun!? You knew grim and he would not do that which made you think that he had some copy magic and you were curious about it which made led you to learn what dorm he was in it was one that you hadn't even interacted with not even one student from there you wanted to learn more about the dorm but it's not like your gonna walk right so instead you took the chance whenever you could to watch the guy that you learned was named Ruggie and also learned he was more or less the lion guy named Leona's servant doing it just for the money but soon after you kept hearing about students getting hurt and so far the people who were getting hurt seemed to be the most athletic but it wasn't your job to find out who it was doing this until Crowley told you to investigate and the heartslabyul guys helped you you told them you thought that it might be Ruggie but you also said you couldn't prove anything so Ruggie just became a suspected the next day another person got hurt what was happening and as so you went to investigate and they all finally decided to go confront Ruggie but he ran but soon after you bolted towards him you always assumed that you would be faster now that you've swam for a year or 2 now but never expected to be that fast you bolted towards him and almost caught Him there but could get a hold of him he kept jumping but in the end he got away but you did get an answer yes it was ruggie but you still needed evidence of it being ruggie and riddle said he had a plan and by the end you had caught savanaclaw red handed and surprisingly leona just let it go and decided to not try anything else but all the other savanaclaw students were telling him that they would drag him out if they had to while ruggie was almost begging leona to keep the plan going you could tell something was off and you were right leona overbloted not that you did expect it by the tone of the room but still it was a shock now usually the others would just fire their magic at the others but leona had ruggie hostage so they couldn't just fire at them wildly and not to mention that leona's special magic allowed him to turn things to sand when he touched them which meant that you guys were on thin nice one wrong move and you don't know what will happen to ruggie riddle was thinking of a plan when you reached for your belt and took out you stasis rifle and began to bolt it behind leona the stasis rifle charging to attack leona turned around still with ruggie in his arms

JUST WHAT DO YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING.

He shouted like a child throwing a tantrum he began squeezing Ruggie tighter but no matter what you kept silent

ANSWER ME YO-

Before Leona couldn't finish saying anything before he got hit with some magic he dropped Ruggie and you shot the stasis rifle and quickly grabbed Ruggie and got him to a safer spot while Leona was paused in mid air everyone began to shoot their magic at him. After getting ruggie was safe you began to charge the stasis again and moved closer to leona only to be interrupted by a claw almost hitting you leona wasn't gonna stay down but before you could scatter away leona knocked the stasis rifle out of your hands

WHAT ARE GONNA DO NOW HERBAVOIR YOU DON'T HAVE YOUR WEAPONS TO HELP YOU.

Maybe it was the way Leona was so loud or that he cornered you but it made you indescribably mad you honestly were more surprised that you had made it so long without having a PTSD attack but that changed very quickly. You quickly sprang at Leona with the heated survival knife he dodged and struck you with magic but it wasn't enough to badly injure you and now you had any opening you grabbed the stasis and began to get as far away from him as you can and shot he was frozen but you didn't have much time. You reached down to your belt again and got your repulsion canon and grabbed a bolder with it and threw it at the blot monster shattering it into pieces. After everything calmed down and Leona was doing ok you began to go to the garden more and Leona began to talk to you more. Eventually, Leona told you that he wasn't gonna bite and that you sit closer to him.

After all that Leona is a bit salty that a herbivore beat him but also wonders what's up with the things you used on the blot monster. But honestly, he fell hard for you when he remembered his overblot seeing you fight like that was kinda hot to him but at first, he doesn't think it was a crush but he had a dream of you guys cuddling and that was enough for him to come to his senses but he has no clue how to approach you cuz he needs to know you a bit more then he does now. So sometimes at lunch, Ruggie will come looking for you and tell you that Leona wanted to see you. When you do hang out with Leona you guys just sit there and enjoy the silence but often you get used as pillows. He also likes to show affection by gift giving which means if you ever mention something that reminds you of home it will be at your door soon and nothing changes much after you guys get into a relationship.

[socialjetlags]

╰ ☆ ◞ avan jogia / nonbinary / he/they ——— no way, is that KAVI DESAI? you know, they’re 32 years old and they’ve been in los angeles for 12 YEARS. they’re chillin’ as a MUSICIAN & MANAGER at ALT CULT RECORDS. oh and they’re notoriously known for being PRETENTIOUS but there are some people who have seen them be ENTHUSIASTIC. i heard they’re a part of a BAND called STATIC MIDNIGHT, yeah, they’re a DRUMMER. to be honest they sound a lot like BASEMENT & CITIZEN. they’re actually A RISING STAR.

I. BASICS.

FULL NAME: kavi desai.

NICKNAME(S): avi (a shortened version of their name, also happening to hold the meaning of "sheep"), shepherd (see: explanation for avi. sheep doesn't seem to flow too well as a nickname, & here comes a moniker he'll never shake), pepsi.

AGE: 32.

DATE OF BIRTH: february 9, 1992.

PLACE OF BIRTH: maywood, california, usa.

GENDER: nonbinary.

PRONOUNS: he/they.

ORIENTATION: bisexual.

LANGUAGE(S) SPOKEN: english, gujurati.

NEIGHBOURHOOD: west paradise.

LIVING ARRANGEMENTS: lives in a one-bedroom unit at the aster apartments.

II. FAMILY TIES.

MOTHER: mindy desai, distantly supportive relationship. there's nothing stronger than a mother's love, they say, but kavi could name a few things. mindy is a good mom, mostly, and she makes sure to check in every now and then. sometimes she'll even refer to recent news of static midnight, if there is anything to speak of. if kavi could complain of one thing, it would be that she always has to slide "your father loves you, you know" into conversation.

FATHER: jevan desai, hostile relationship. to put it simply, jevan disagrees with the life that kavi is living, and kavi often fans the flames—if he's going to piss his dad off regardless, he might as well do a good job at it.

SIBLINGS: palomi desai, younger sister. palomi thought the world of kavi when they were kids, and well... she still kind of does. she is their motivation to do good & be good. if they have one only fan, it's palomi.

PETS: a tuxedo cat (unoriginally) named socks. if you ask kavi, she's "a sweet little thing." everyone who's met her so far would have to disagree.

III. OCCUPATIONAL INFO.

OCCUPATION: musician, manager of alt cult records.

NAME OF THEIR ACT: static midnight.

DO THEY PLAY INSTRUMENTS? IF SO WHAT?: drums.

HOW LONG HAVE THEY BEEN A PART OF THE ACT?: 4 years.

ARTIST INFLUENCES: karnivool, soul blind, superheaven; he takes a lot of musical inspiration from heavy shoegaze artists.

CURRENT MONTHLY SPOTIFY/APPLE MUSIC LISTENS ON AVERAGE: 14k.

IV. APPEARANCE.

FACE CLAIM: avan jogia.

HAIR COLOR: naturally dark brown, but currently bleached to a near-platinum tone. looks a bit like half-assed frosted tips with the dark roots starting to come back in.

EYE COLOR: dark brown.

HEIGHT: 177cm, 5ft10.

BUILD: slim, defined muscles.

TATTOOS: a decent amount on his torso, arms & legs. details tbd.

PIERCINGS: double lobe piercings, left nostril stud.

CLOTHING STYLE: experimental. mixes all kinds of fabrics & patterns, mostly dresses in a muted color palette. wears a lot of loose, flowing pants paired with tighter tops.

DISTINGUISHING CHARACTERISTICS: thick eyebrows, long eyelashes.

V. PERSONALITY.

MBTI: esfp-t, the entertainer.

ELEMENT: water.

WESTERN ZODIAC: aquarius.

CHINESE ZODIAC: monkey.

POSITIVE TRAITS: enthusiastic, adventurous, accepting, humorous, forward, decisive, open.

NEGATIVE TRAITS: pretentious, argumentative, (too) open and also somehow not open enough, self-sabotaging, unreliable.

HOBBIES: doom-scrolling, generating ai pictures of himself in different styles, denying any and all wrongdoing that they’ve ever done, irritating their cat and then giving her treats to reel her back in, working out, bitching about working out, fishing for people to tell him that his workouts are paying off, trying new diners, hanging out at bars, window-shopping, rearranging their living room and then ultimately ending up on the same layout, arguing with his neighbors over the noisiness of him moving his furniture every other day, spreading misinformation, pondering the possibility that it’s time for him to grow up and then deciding that he’s still got time.

VI. WANTED CONNECTIONS.

LONG-TERM EX: “the one”, almost. kavi was a flight risk from the get, but this person gave him an honest chance—and fell so in love that they stayed long after it had become obvious that he wasn’t willing to give them what they needed. up and down relationship, passionate one day & dull the next; a routine that established itself and persisted for two or three years. they were living with kavi up until the breakup, which was around christmas 2023. they still have an immense amount of love for each other, but understand that they lack romantic capability. staying friends through it all, for better or for worse. the vibes: the 1 by taylor swift, i know the end by phoebe bridgers, cellophane by fka twigs, two slow dancers by mitski, renegade by big red machine & taylor swift, new perspective by noah kahan, etc etc…

THE BEST FRIEND: they’ve been through hell & back together, even if most of this so-called “hell” was self-created. there’s not much kavi wouldn’t do for them, so long as they keep cat-sitting when he’s out of town.

CUSTOMERS: people who shop at alt cult records somewhat regularly and are often subject to kavi’s pretentiousness, as music is where it tends to come out. the person who thinks he’s so cool, the person who’s sick of him acting like they give a shit about anything he’s got to say, the person who thinks he’s a sleazebag but he’s Hawt so they’ll pretend to be interested in what he’s saying all day every day, etc etc!

QUESTIONNAIRE. 

start at the beginning, who are you and why are you important?

“i’m kavi desai,” he says, as if it that’s all he has to say; there’s something suffocatingly smug in it, telling of who he is. a conglomeration of false confidence and one-liners. “i was just an indian kid with a dream, and now i’m managing a record store and playing in a band that people actually give a shit about; no matter what angle you look at it from, i’ve got something to be proud of, right? and, believe me, it gets better from here.”

how long have you been making music?

“as long as i can remember, really. i asked for a guitar for christmas one year. i can’t remember how old i was, maybe nine or ten, and santa provided. i learned fast and i wrote a lot of songs as a teenager, most which were complete dog shit. i ended up picking up drums ‘cause a good friend of mine was selling their set, and i guess there was somethin’ in me that knew where i needed to be. hey, here i am.”

how would you describe the kind of music you make?

“honest rock music. in a band, you have to work together to make something worth listening to—but if you understand who i am and what i do, you’ll understand there’s a lot of self-revelation in it. i like to try new things, and i like to believe that it all comes from my heart.”

who are some of your biggest musical influences?

“when i was growing up, the main one was the smashing pumpkins. i could probably play every song from pisces iscariot on a guitar to this day—but hey, don’t hold me to that, alright?… nowadays, i really like superheaven. their drummer’s style really stands out to me. they don’t make music anymore, but their discography never gets old.”

what is the first record you ever bought?

“the all-american rejects’ move along. not a single skip on it.”

what has working in the music industry meant to you thus far in your career?

“excitement. if i’m honest, not much else to speak of yet, but i think we’re getting close to something.”

what are some stand out moments from your career so far?

“it’s always nice to be told that i inspired someone to start drumming… or to see a pretty girl lose her shit from catching a setlist. hey, let me tell ya, moments like that will make you feel like a real rockstar!”

what are you still hoping to achieve in your career?

“well,” they start, grinning ear-to-ear—their bashfulness now evens out the vanity from earlier. “i want a sure sign that i’ve made it. this might look different for other musicians, but for me… it’d be nice to hold an arena tour, right?”

what’s next for you?

“keep your eyes on me and you’ll find out soon enough.”