#somehow i now feel awful?
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hm.
#somehow i now feel awful?#its fiiiiiine#im not gonna talk abt it online i dont want to embarrass future me 👍👍👍
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Every time you think, "Oh, I don't have [x condition], I'm basically cured!" that is the devil talking. You aren't cured, you are likely going through periods of your symptoms waning. Don't cease whatever you're doing to help yourself, like medication, for instance, because it's likely you still have the conditions or symptoms, even if you aren't noticing them as frequently or severely.
#disability#this is a callout post about myself#i genuinely thought my GAD was cured because my symtoms had lessened significantly since i've transitioned#turns out my anxiety is just as killer and awful - it's just muted slightly#i am currently laying down with my brain convinced that i'm About To Have a Heart Attack#(and not in the fun demi lovato kind of way)#(that song is a little over a decade old... what the bingle)#anyway please don't do what i do whenever i experience ANY level of symptoms getting better because it will shock you...#...when those symptoms come back and remind you that you Do Indeed have [x condition]#i now know how a wolf girl feels when they say they are Actually Feral because that's how i feel rn 💀#even I'M not immune to the idea that the things i suffer from are things that can Disappear Magically 😭#it's wishful thinking and almost like... imposter syndrome because you're *so* desperate to prove to yourself you're Fine or A Faker#and you become hyperfixated on picking every tiny little waxing and waning of symptoms like you're a fortune teller#and honestly it's really stiffling and it's a lot of work to kill the cop in your head that says you are secretly Not All That Affected...#...that you're either exaggerating to the Extreme or you're just a bored faker who's trying to Get Attention (bad somehow)
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sorry i WILL shut up about this (and start posting abt my new hawkes) but seeing "can you guys take a breath" and "decisions from 10+ years ago in southern thedas will not affect the current timeline set in north thedas" from specific blogs is genuinely wild. as if we don't literally live in a world where we are STILL just starting to face consequences to actions taken 10+ years ago, and as if US politics 10+ years ago did not have anyyyyy global ramifications for anyone outside of the US even 10+ years later. like. rivain, antiva, nevarra are all IN southern thedas wdym??? im half tempted to start actually listing out all of the things our decisions could have feasibly impacted 10 years later but seeing this take from blogs that genuinely still discuss the impact of the exalted marches on thedas hundreds of years later is WILDDDDDD
#dw guys every time we criticise this game's decisions there will be a sol/avellan there to defend it from the awful evil haters#BAFFLING. genuinely baffling.#da4 critical#fandom critical#i say this AS SOMEONE porting sol/avellan into da4 bc idk if u know. but this behav is annoying as fuck.#and you're also assuming that the canonical world state they're flattening everything into is going to be one everyone wants/agrees with.#even if it is somehow supportive of mages and supportive of elves or whatever else and southern thedas' problems magically all disappear#within 10 yrs and southern thedas is now a utopia. that's still not necessarily the background everyone WANTS to be bringing into veilguard#maybe some of us want to bring in a crapsack world that's still fucking worth saving!!!#i think there's some incredibly stupid levels of bitching abt da4. ive seen it and i think it's genuinely brainless whinging#but i feel like ''hey they're like scrapping our entire worldstate decisions for the next game'' is not one of them.#YOU DON'T EVEN BRING IN WHETHER OR NOT YOU HAD HIGH OR LOW APPROVAL WITH SOLAS.#you can hate him and still want to help him. you can like him and your chara still would kill to stop him#why are you guys so quick to throw dissatisfied fans under the bus to defend *bioware*#i promise bioware will not be paying you money for this.
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we really need to crack down on the use of the r-slur again bc i'm seeing it online more now than i did almost 10 yrs ago. like what are you? 12? can you get it the fuck together bc you sound like either a south park character or a middle schooler from 2010 and both options are fucking embarrassing for you
#ive made a post about this before but i saw the word Out In The Wild again and it shocks me every time#i'm not even someone that it'd be directed to or whatever and it Still feels bad like that's an awful word#i honestly thought there was general understanding about this bc there was a time you'd rarely see that word (at least on here)#so it shocks me whenever i see it now bc it's a surprise! bc i never used to see it so often!#and somehow everyone's chill about it? i feel like i'm going insane. or is everyone collectively 'reclaiming' it or whatever#rambles
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cw/tw. gif(s), child neglect, depiction of starvation & frostbite, suicidal thoughts
꧁
𝐆𝐥𝐚𝐜𝐢𝐞𝐬 𝐀𝐫𝐝𝐞𝐚𝐭 𝐂𝐡𝐚𝐩𝐭𝐞𝐫: 𝐀𝐜𝐭 𝐈𝐈
Candour of Light and Shadows
Quest Started
I still think
Some people were born a shadow.
"ーHappy birthday, sweetheart!"
"Thanks, mama!"
"May Lady Tsaritsa bless my little snowflake so he grows up big and healthy... And may She protect you from all dangers and surround you with love and happiness!"
"..... Mama, what about-"
"Hold on, darling."
Every year, instead of burning candles, I burn the memories of you.
Every year, instead of huddling in front of a warm fireplace, I relive the memories of the icy grave you call home.
Every year....
I wonder.
Why didn't you just di̴̖̊ë̷̻͙́̒̿̆ that day?
Why did the gods pity you when your own blood couldn't care less?
Why you? Why me? Why us?
I dare not defy the fate bestowed upon me. This is the role we were bestowed with. The second option. The second best. The supporting role.
The shadow.
....
But maybe....
........
Just... maybe.
.............
Maybe all this time, I've been tricking myself, thinking I was undeserving. Of the spotlight. Of the warm fireplace. Of..... a home.
“....”
“Wha....?”
“Happy birthday, Cov!!”
“My my, did we catch you off-guard so much you were about to unsheathe your sword?”
“Ah... I'm..... sorry.......”
“It's fine, it's fine. More importantly, do you like chocolate cakes? I had no idea what kind of cake you'd like but since you love hot chocolate and cookies, I thought you'd like themー”
“......”
“Cov?”
“...........”
“Thank you.”
Maybe one day, I'll be able to feel truly worthy of this.
......
I guess…. Just for today, I can be the light.
𝐆𝐥𝐚𝐜𝐢𝐞𝐬 𝐀𝐫𝐝𝐞𝐚𝐭 𝐂𝐡𝐚𝐩𝐭𝐞𝐫: 𝐀𝐜𝐭 𝐈𝐈 𝐂𝐨𝐦𝐩𝐥𝐞𝐭𝐞
Candour of Light and Shadows
Quest Completed
[ To be continued(?) ]
#rin's adopted children: coviello#rin's queue is serving tea#happy birthday my child my baby my traumatized pookie with trust issues#i somehow managed to finish this an hour before their birthday here#and i already said it on their last story quest but#it still baffles me that they're well liked. i love them (/p) dearly and i'm glad people find them interesting enough-#-to care about. idk. it just. i don't think i'll ever not feel awed about this#thank you always for the love and support to this character#more of them coming soon. maybe. mayhaps even more than them. maybe they'll get a brother and a sister soon#ps. i am swamped with stuff and has no energy right now. please know i'm not ignoring asks and messages but i'm just directing-#-the little energy i have to more important/urgent things. i'll be fine. will be back soon. hopefully.
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[SURFS INSIDE OF THE ASKBOX AGAIN] hello i am Here to ask about what the Hell do magpie and luci have going on. Considering the whole Thing. magpie's watch being important to him and how luci is associated with the backwards clock. That Kind of Ordeal ^<^
hai . i am so capable of being normal about this. lie.
ok so im once again going to be At It, some mix btwn scattered notes and infodumping and me just saying words You Get It. i have Not been talking abt them as much as i think abt them, theyre another dynamic that haunts me to death. you understand. anyway; ~28 paragraphs.
so first i should Probably actually go over magpie as a character bc i. somehow. dont think i have. at all. so ^_^
magpie, our funny little manager, is introduced mostly as a negligible character. honestly? he just kind of sucked. shows up to be really annoying before dipping again, yapping just because he can, mostly. hes set up entirely to be some 'rich completely-inept asshole climbing the corporate ladder,' acting like hes So In Touch With Everyone (but still blatantly comes across as a complete and total narc). this is on purpose. magpie is a liar.
none of that is true, and he simply plays up the role so that people dont really suspect anything of him. actually, hes not supposed to be the manager at all. at his core, hes actually just. some guy from the backstreets people hire to do misc dirty work-- delivering information, just so happening to mess up in places that takes attention away from someone else, poking his nose places it doesnt belong-- hes got the look and charisma of someone who can be trusted, and he plays it up Hard. multiple times.
he has several different presentations he cycles through to get people to see him a certain way. he is Very Good at his job. he Hates his job. so much so, in fact, that after a particularly. messy. instance, he dropped off the map entirely to figure out some way-- any way at all-- to regain some sort of stability. (to stop the inevitability of harm even a little bit, even just once. (to make up for it all, maybe.))
so. yeah! magpie lies. a lot. he doesnt really care for status or the company as a whole at all-- originally it was just t cause problems for people he views as In Power, but like… fuck dude theres a LOT of people who Just Work Here, and if he went through with just Causing Problems like he thought he was going to, well. oof. so. change of plans! honestly now hes just trying to find some way to Get Everyone The Fuck Out Of Here.
he plays the part, and he snoops. he pretends not to notice shit he Definitely shouldnt be allowing (but like… if it makes shit easier for them, then yknow..) and pretty much just… lets people treat him however. because ultimately his act is Annoying and Untrustworthy yes, but also Completely Nonthreatening. people will let him get away with a LOT of shit with the excuse that he is "kinda stupid" and "doesnt know what hes doing." and well, yknow. whatever works! there is no way this can backfire <33
. so his thing with luci.
luci also generally sticks to her role as just kinda. yknow. Managerial Guide. at least to start out with. shes just figuring shit out yknow. and honestly, nobody really catches onto her being like… Conscious. except for Magpie. because he would always make dumb little quips and jokes at her out of habit-- yknow, like one talks to a particularly unruly printer or something-- and then she would respond in kind. like… snarking back enough to be like Okay Theres No Way Someone Just Programmed That In There Right. and not just that, she'd return with her Own little quips and questions, then act as though she didn't.
magpie originally takes this as a kind of "haha ok thats kind of fucked, at least thats something Super Illegal against these guys we can use if we need to" but then. unfortunately. the thing about magpie is that, against his own instincts, he cares for people. a Lot. he doesnt much enjoy watching people in danger-- and most certainly doesnt want to cause any of that Himself, he's over that.
which is to say: he Instantly gets attached. he cant really say it, but he counts her as as much of a person as anyone else is pretty much instantly, despite him knowing he really really shouldnt be doing that this is so stupid he cant just jump to conclusions like that and if anyone finds out theyre all So Dead. but he cant :( he cant help it… hes just a lil guy and luci is very obviously doing a horrible fucking job at hiding the fact that shes like… conscious. and he has a role to play up too, so its not like he can Do anything, especially since shes part of the damn facility's system and can probably get into contact with important people really easily..
so for a while, its just. luci thinking shes doing a great job at slinking around and playing the manager for a fool the whole time, and magpie fully aware but pretending not to notice and trying to just make things passively easier for her to figure herself out without anyone noticing. its insufferable. because theyre both Correct and Entirely Wrong about each other.
luci completely falls for his Dumb Manager facade and plays the part accordingly, playing around with him because its convenient and kind of funny, she also happens to be the only one who catches on that he is Not Supposed To Fucking Be Here, but plays along because, again, convenient. easy enough scapegoat if she needs it. meanwhile magpie clocks onto her Instantly, but Completely misses the fact that she isnt just innocently futzing around like he thinks she is. he somehow completely trusts her, so much so that despite being the only person who could possibly figure out her Scheming he just. completely rules it out. i really have to reiterate, they are So fucking insufferable.
it isnt until past halfway through th fucking game that luci catches on that magpie's front is . well, a front. and she is genuinely insulted she never caught on. its so fucking funny. and then things get kinda complicated bc like… [waves hands around] story events…..
luci kinda functions as a sorta "final boss" for the whole thing, in heavy quotes. ihavent decided exactly how itll go yet, but. waves hand around. the point is that shes kind of directly responsible for a LOT of people dying, and also kind of for directly threatening Them as well. but the thing is, she hinges Immensely deeply on the idea of Relevancy. because her own nature is so fickle and fragile, shes insistent on making a strong Impression of herself-- as this is what she feels like will root her into reality. something much like how abnormalities function-- ideas dont really ever die, and neither do they. and Thats what she wants more than anything.
so. while it wasnt exactly her entire Goal from the start, if she can cement herself as a Villain, then sure. whatever. it could be fun! and she plays it up. as she is wont to do.
that whole thing is important because of th fact that like.. the only person who Doesnt immediately believe that image of her IS magpie. like… yeah hes kinda had th rug pulled out from under him completely (and its kind of true that if he'd been a little more observant that he could have literally stopped all of this.. he tries not to think about it too hard.) but he also just… god, despite everything he still hates the idea of having to do anything to her.
it takes him a while to figure out why, but its because he's ALSO immediately able to call out her bluff. AGAIN. due to being pretty much the only person that talks to her directly (and.. genuinely ??? kind of??) he can tell when she is intentionally hiding something. she is very deliberately playing up the Idea of what a villain Is, goading everyone on, but he knows damn well what shes about. the issue is that it isnt wholly untrue either.
its like. yeah she intentionally hurt a lot of people, and will probably keep doing that if someone doesnt Do something about her (like everyone else wants to do…) but also… well to put it bluntly, again, she wants little more than simply to be able to Live.
shes purposefully putting herself into a role in order to get what she wants, confident that she can do whatever she wants with no consequence, and treats the entire thing as a weird little game. she doesnt really hold any malice in her heart, she just. she's just desperate and deeply, deeply confused.
shes not good, but shes not evil either. she is JUST stupid. she doesnt know what shes doing and will do just about anything to hide that fact because she hates the feeling of not having control over these things. something she Also tries to hide. honestly hes not really sure if she even notices it herself.
at this point luci has literally never had to deal with the consequences for her actions so this is quite literally the Peak of her hubris arc. to put it in a way, shes convinced she understands how the story goes and can change it how she wants, and she Does Not and Cannot. her arc is essentially trying to assign narrative significance to things in the hopes that it Fulfills something in her. it does not. instead she just has a bunch of problems she caused herself. oops. oh well <33 and its not like magpie doesnt try!! unfortunately its a little hard to talk someone down when theyre Actively Trying To Kill You, and also when theyve completely resigned themself to this sort of Only One Of Us Can Survive ultimatum.
which is to say luci keeps collecting death flags and well. oops <333 which kind of ends with magpie being literally the only person who knows that luci was ever anything other than that Antagonistic Presence she insisted on being (because she would rather have committed fully to that than to ever reveal that maybe, just a little, she was terrified of what would happen otherwise..)
but most importantly, luci ends up being Another Person that magpie couldn't help. its not like he couldve DONE anything, she would've refused anything and everything regardless, its just. man. god. ugh. that… that sucked. its not like he has a horrible track record of repeatedly failing to save people or anything… lol lmao………
so hey, the watch, right?
its something he got from one of his little jobs. last one he ever took, actually. he'd never say it was really a Moral way to make it day to day, but like, what Was, right? nothing was Really moral, everyone just kinda did what they had to; so like, no need to worry about it right? no time for all that. but then you pay a little too much attention, slip up a little, get to know someone a little too much; learn they're pretty much exactly like you are. someone with wants and hopes, little preferences and stories they get excited to share.
and then you get the guy killed. part of the plan from the start, of course, but like... he was Right There. its different when you have to look em in the eyes when you do it, yknow?
magpie's key running emotion is Guilt. he spent so long trying to avoid facing the reality of who he was and what he was doing, but unfortunately it catches up to him Big Time. he's just deceptively good at acting as though that isn't the case. no time to slow down, after all. he couldnt Afford to do anything else. honestly? his entire stunt with lcorp wasnt even something he Thought about too hard. it was stupid and impulsive and he knows it, but now he's Here, and he Has to do something. it has to be something, he can't just let it go. can't just let them go. (some part of him hopes that at the very least when it Does all backfire on him, at least it'd help somebody in the process...)
the watch is a reminder. something kind of absentmindedly tossed at him by the guy who put him on the job as a little something extra, (or in other words, something they didnt bother to want to deal with.) and then it turns out, it was just some petty fuckoff disagreement between them that started th whole thing! but its cool because he gives you the dead guy's watch "to sell for at least a little extra, as a tip." right. of course. yeah, that's... yeah, thanks. great!
he cleaned it and fixed it up and he keeps it as a memento. a little "hey dont fuck up again ok buddy?" a little "you could literally die at any time so like just remember that ok buddy?" ... an "at least let me honor this somehow before karma comes back and inevitably kicks my ass." equal parts reminder and weight to bear. sentimental piece and confession of guilt.
luci's ordeal with backwards clock is a mostly out-of-narrative subject-- assigning her abnos to thematically tie with for funsies. the clock is, wouldnt you guess it, linked with her experience with regret. its... very, very complicated to explain, especially because of the fact that 1) shes already so goddamn hard to decipher and 2) she is Also fully incapable of processing it for what it is.
which... kind of brings me to the whole Thing. magpie is plainly, fully aware that trusting luci in the way that he is is by all means a horrible, horrible idea. she's made it abundantly, repeatedly clear she will simply do whatever benefits her most at any given point. but all magpie can really see is someone struggling just a few paces behind him, exactly somewhere he has been, something he remembers incredibly clearly. as stupid as it may be, he wants to help her. he wants her to be able to find herself, confront what she refuses to acknowledge, give her a fighting chance.
he cant stand the idea of letting someone slip through his fingers like that. it's... its complicated, but its something he wants to stand by. luci just doesnt get it. she still holds a grudge towards him after everything, an odd caution knowing that he just. knows things about her. has seen her for what she is, further than she can bear to acknowledge herself, as bad of a job as she's doing hiding it. luci will continue to refuse any opening he gives to her, but he will continue to offer the option, time and time again.
. anyway heres some images.
#I HOPE THIS IS COHERENT theyre very difficult for me to speak about concretely for a variety of reasons#piktalk#pikocs#luci's thing with emotion is Weird because she will fully deflect anything by claiming shed meant to do something the entire time.#changing herself to become something else; hiding her actual intent by making it seem worse or better than what it actually is.#you just wont know because she intrinsically defends herself by theatricizing in a hyperbolic way.#there is one; maybe Two things she could not do that with to herself; and it sticks in her like a thorn.#cant rationalize herself out of being wrong; messing up; Having Actual Stake in something and Failing. she hates it. deeply.#so she pretends it never happened. (she cannot; in fact; do this.)#at the end of everything; luci is Very Very Bad At This. and magpie is the only person who sees it for what it is.#someone trying hard to feel in control no matter the cost. she cant lie to him because she let her guard down against him so early-#-thinking he wasnt listening. but also before she had those facades up to redirect perception of her.#he Knows her. uncomfortably so; for her. honestly; shes just curious and confused and trying to make out what Anything is.#and now she cant hide that from somebody. AND they refuse to antagonize her about it. somehow this is worse. awful. awful.#i hesitate to define it as such but its as close as anything can get. nervous man and his awful awful daughter he picked up somewhere.#anyway. time to stop looking at this for a while KSJBGJHDg#hopefully this is coherent. unfortunately bc They dont know what theyre doing I ALSO dont know what theyre doing; so;
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Dread be dreading
#ughg#i usually have awful thoughts randomly popping up here or there#make me pretty anxious for a few days then i won't think about them for a while#but man i can't handle doubts suddenly resurfacing#like this monday i was listening to my last lecture and everything bad i cooked up a in the past few months hit me like a truck#couldn't even focus i was too busy internally chanting shit fuck i don't want this i made a huge mistake shit shit#i won't be able to handle all this responsibility i'm so tired this will butcher my mental health should have chosen media studies fuuuck#what was i thinking what am i gonna do help#then proceeded to distract myself with an electric outlet otherwise i might have started crying#:/#and those thoughts aren't wrong unfortunately#i love this university and the classes and the things i study#the teachers and my classmates and the kids i got to take care of#but i don't think i could do this for real#i'm not even struggling with anything i'm just scared and tired as hell#and thought i could just. power through it- like if i'm stubborn enough it won't matter that it's draining#but damn#and hell originally i came here because i wanted to teach english to kids#i guess my expectations were too high i don't feel like i've learned anything that useful this far#and turns out it won't get better#we just gonna do presentations again#to be fair i loved researching nursery rhymes but i hoped we would have... more. of that#also about media studies. chief... i crave to be there#could have picked the english specialization there too- i'm a moron. a bozo. holy shit#well. gonna go through this semester either way. because again everything i study here (almost everything) is genuinely great and useful#and perhaps i'm just in a Pit right now#the dread pit#should probably break this to my sister. somehow#random squeak
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had a really epic cry on a balcony last week and I’ve been longing for that balcony ever since . Was so cathartic I need to go back there
#Never in my life have I felt more at odds with people around me and like I have no idea how to communicate#like a normal human being until this fucking trip#And I don’t know what I’m doing wrong but it just feels like. I am barely passing as a normal Person and people are Noticing#and the Noticing is making them Uneasy and therefore I am excluded from All Things#I need to get Diagnosed . With what I don’t know. But Something. Because something is fucking Wrong here#It’s making me reevaluate my entire everything because I feel so out of place it’s driving me insane#I feel like I’m sticking out like a sore thumb amidst a crowd and it’s doing something awful to me#How do I talk to people how do I exist with other people how do i. Do anything#and why is this only hard Now#I keep clamming up (lol) and going totally silent because I just feel like everything I’m saying is Wrong. Somehow.#But me being silent is also Wrong. And I’m doing something Wrong all the time#Uughhhrhb. This sucks. I need to get out of here. I need to get out of here. I need to get out of here#vent#delete later#clamtalk#Sorry for venting so much recently I am. Going through it rn. I promise I try not to do this often.
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ughhh
#noel.yap#just gonna be pathetic for a moment here#helping a friend pick out engagement rings and im spending this whole time thinkjng about myself which feels awful#thinking about how my moms not gonna be there like wowwww okay#i never even cared much for getting married but now that might never include her thats so not fair#i have to get out od this thought spiral but did you know everything ever is about moms dying bc i swear i see it in everything#and of course my ocd latching into this bc it is somehow my fault shes sick#because it always is#anyway#👍
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Drawing Dump!
oh and meet another OC: lily/iliad (fae/faer, has two names)! fae's the God/Guardian of the Arts in Fabrication (so art, music, writing, dance, and drama). faer design is my fav so far if i'm being honest haha, really like how it came out :D
(nye this is one of the two OCs who i've written with MDD so far! cody also has it - am going to make some human ones too methinks. thanks so much again for the tips!!!)
pppppllllluuuuusssss chara and asriel art i already posted in january but still like enough to promote again now that i uh. actually have followers :3
(also this is TOTALLY targeting a mutual who should really play undertale....................... hint hint hint /silly)
@mylackofgrammaristerrifying @mrrotten @nyenylon hiiiiiiiii hope you guys are having a fun timezone!! what're you guys up to? :)
#artsy's post#artsy's fabrication#artsy's ocs#artsy's art#artsy's asuna#artsy's chaaya#artsy's socks#artsy's thunder#artsy's chichi#artsy's fenix#artsy's lily/iliad#artsy's ship: fichi#artsy's ship: ashes#not gonna tag isat or undertale but siffrin (top left) isn't an OC!!!! they're a silly game character. play in stars and time <3#and dw moot i'm not gonna force you to play UT and won't bug you anymore about it!!! but i do recommend it massively :D#anyway in terms of the art#i tried pixel for the first time!! nothing fancy ofc haha. scared of that lol#did azzie first and thunder next (you can tell bc azzie looks awful /hj)#poisoned the art so now the pixels have slightly off colours/are patchy which uh. looks like the exact thing i'm trying to prevent lmao#it's real art it just got screwed with by the poison!!! fuck ai and ai '''''''''artists''''''''' >:(#and another queer oc joins the chat!!! i have cishet ones i swear. but i have many queer ones too (far more than cishet) :)#lily is a god (guardian) who...... kinda just has fun? fae's the youngest of the guardians (minus the Fragments; they're also guardians!)#the ACTUAL youngest would be chaaya but she's a less active guardian. if you're praying to a 6yo then you're *really* down on your luck lol#iliad's about 17 in god years. so probably millions of years old in human years haha#fae's VERY energetic and drifty (maladaptive daydreaming and ADHD) plus is a little...... sadistic? not purposefully tho#fae sees everything as a play; both dissociating from trauma as a guardian and also bc mortals feel so far away from fae#so fae likes to toy with mortals and finds them fascinating. when i say sadistic i mean 'toddler meets an old cat and picks it up roughly'#fae's also besties with cody in particular. and somehow gets along with dew incredibly well???#also shea who's ANOTHER god and i should stop rambling haha. will figure out shea's design eventually (they're a shapeshifter ;-;)#anyway have a good timezoneeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
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tags continued from prev post.
#and all of this is true while it is ALSO true that her songs age incredibly well#even debut or random soundtrack songs or endgame#whatever song people try to put on the worst Taylor songs list NEVER QUITE BELONGS#it doesn’t feel right. and to some extent occasionally in mercurial flashes I feel the same about her BEST songwriting list#I can never rank anything of hers ever because she can write better than she has written#if anything finds her own songwriting dead it’s what her future self will be able to achieve#and I think sometimes even the public can SENSE this about her and it’s part of why people are sooooo hard on her in a brutal way#and in a way they never are with other artists. who have reached the limits of their potential#Taylor has not reached the limits —that’s the simple way of saying it#in some way she is still figuring out the artist she is going to be#and I really do think that it is going to be absolutely astonishing#because in some ways (this is going to sound crazy) she is still distracted by her success and her tour#she’s NOT but I mean. the canon hasn’t been fully set free#there are still somehow things holding her back#and we’ve watched her outstrip so much of those early confines that fame and the business of the music industry strapped around her#we’ve seen her say ‘that doesn’t apply to me’#but actually she’s going to and she needs to and I believe she WILL continue to move into rarefied air#my mom helped me give me the final piece of this feeling (and it’s just a deep gut intuition/brain chemical thing for me)#when she said one day almost in mild exasperation: maybe one day Taylor will grow into a Dolly Parton#and something CLICKED#in my brain. and I don’t agree with my mom in terms of her non-interest in Taylor (as much as it has pained me to do so)#I think she’s worth loving and paying attention to now#but that gap that exists between people who love her and people who don’t (full time haters internet trolls do not interact)#I think it’s going to close with time as her work stretches out and out and grows and changes#like I think by the end of her career we are going to have something so astonishing#and to loop it back for a second to a previous thought. I think that’s why sometimes a taylor song can sound disjointed to me. because it#will hit the Depths of the Depth for a second. it will transcend and then it will go back to merely being an excellent pop song#those flashes are everywhere in her work but I think she is going to work and hone them into being conductors of light in a more steady way#the older she gets. does this sound INSANE. idk sometimes I think it does and then sometimes I think it DOESNt. so who knows. but yeah#it’s hard to say because I know it will read as more critical of Taylor than I mean it to be. when really I mean it with so much awe
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my top post ever is the “nUWUsies” one and honestly I’m not even ashamed
#I posted it while half asleep feeling awful#And somehow it tickled someone’s brain#And now it has 50 notes#So ty#newsies#shitpost
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#its so weird. i feel like march 5th went on for more than a day somehow. i guess that's just bc we were awake for just abt all of it#my dad wanted to start doing things immediately so he was calling and scheduling all day. we went to the funeral home we went to the store#and it was weird bc as we were moving around it was like wow we r a 4 person family now. this is it. and theres so much to do after a person#dies. or at least there is when they were loved so much and jesus christ my mom was one of the best ppl a LOT of ppl knew. she did so much#for so so many ppl. and with her childhood she had every reason to b a fuck up but no she was kind and selfless and amazing. her mother is#trying to bask in the attention of her death when its like: truely go fuck urself. her being such a good person has nothing to do with u. u#treated her appallingly. fuck off. and fucking everyone knows it. god. she is a product of her grandparents kindness. and it sounds like her#dad was amazing like her. but he tragically died in a car wreck when she was 3. she was in the car. no one in my mums family believes in a#god now. too many bad things happened to the shining gems in a collection of wild alcoholics. but its not all bad. my family's staying close#my dad is taking it hard bc this means hes alone now and my mum took care of so many things bc she was so smart and he feels so dumb. he#feels he didnt deserve her. hes working on giving more hugs now. and hes using us to anxiously talk things out the way he did with mom#which is good. i cant imagine if this happened when we werent 3 adults and he was windowed with 3 kids to raise himself. and its funny. were#saying things we never would have told her. we looked thru pictures of her and she was so so beautiful. a total smoke show. my parents were#a cute couple who produced cute kids. and my mom had trouble communicating and being affectionate tho we knew she loved us there was#distance. theres a pic of my dad pulling her close and shes being tippef towarf her while standing away and thats indicitive of their#relationship. they were 2 partners who lived together independently and that worked but its sad bc my mum couldnt b vulnerable in her#expression. ppl r being so kind tho. ill be in ohio now for like 2.5 more weeks as the funeral stuff shakes out. we have to have 2 bc she#grew up away from her and so many ppl loved her in both locations. she was a popular lady. its so weird to b here on pause. but i feel clear#in my head. i think this will change a lot of my outlook on life. its nice to focus on the person she was and not the horrible 12hrs where i#saw her half dead. i cant imagine how awful it was for my sisters and dad to see her downslide into death. she didnt expect this to b The#Fever that killed her but it did and now she'll never finish a million things. and the house is full of pill bottles and all her junk and#unopened amazon packages and a truck with the fuel left on empty. bc she was an absent minded goofball. ay. well miss her so much#unrelated
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This will always be a better option than arguing with people and attempting to control them. It's not great, but at least I can control myself by just leaving
#personal#now. I mean NOTHING to no one 🩷 I felt like this before anyway so#its nothing new to cry about#i always mean nothing to anyone and everyone else always just moves on as if I'm nothing regardless 💗#maybe I should just delete this blog too#I wish i could just do what 16 year old me did and constantly ask do you like them more than me#why do you need this many friends why do you need to constantly be around people#why do you do this then complain about it later and then talk super awesome of it even though you complain about it#why did you say this when it wasn't true#I wish I could say that your reminder that you can love more than one person just made me feel EVEN more#unloved somehow . like i thought you didnt EVEN love now all you do is talk to everyone always#you were the one with a bad outlook on life when we met. now youre super fucking happy because you just get to be around people all the tim#well good for you I guess. I'm not happy but im happy for you. I'll just be bitter forever in my own corner.#no amount of communication will ever fix how awful I fucking feel. and I feel like absolute shit either fucking way#and nothing can help. nothing will help. nothing. literally not one word is reassuring to me despite knowing they mean well#i trust none of it. especially because everyone in my life says one thing and then means or does another#this is probably the best solution for everyone atp
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(venting in the tags ignore this lol)
#minhmy.rambles#(i just need to shout this somewhere where my friends don't see so they don't worry too much about me)#but oh my god work just got worse for this week im already working every day but tomorrow (aka in six and a half hours)#i will start at 5am and end at 9pm aka a double shift bc my coworker tested positive and there's no one else that can work#just for tomorrow but the rest of the week ill be working 1-9#which i hate even though im used to it night shifts are just boringgggg and takes up a lot of my time#which i already have so little of#my mom said i should clean my closet and i was going to tomorrow bc i wanted to play grandfest today but now i cant do that#bc ill literally be at work all day lol#and god its just so hard its so so hard but it could be worse. it literally could be worse#i cant be here as much anymore bc im so busy and tired i just draw when i can and drop them all here and leave#and i miss writing a lot but i have even less time and even less motivation and the more i work the more awful i feel#and i don't want to worry anyone like . i just don't#but its so difficult for me it really is#theres so many things i want to do but i cant do any of it and im so tired im literally so tired#like im not gonna end my life kinda tired i have a lot to look forward to. but work just really sucks and i am Tired#and i Like my job its literally the easiest and ill never have something like this again#but urghghghh. urggfhhghgh. death pain and suffering#if i draw more sif and loop suffering lol. this is why. i need to get the emotions out somehow and i don't want to cry over it#i cant cry bc i need to work i just have to keep my head up i just have to keep at it i just have to be strong and not break#i can do it i can.. i know i can i've been through worse#its just. augh.#ok done. sorry i rly rly should sleep soon bc of my 16 hour shift tmrw lol its past 10:30pm already
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social blunder made ‼️
#am going to bed rn#but ugh ugh ughhhhhh#the way i’ve been doing this for monthssss#but somehow didn’t add 2+2 like i SHOULD HAVE KNOWN THAT#and i should have shut my fucking yapper ‼️#lark girl come on now let’s have some SOCIAL AWARENESS#and now i feel awful 😣#dumb bitch ‼️
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