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something-tofightfor · 2 years ago

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Some Things Are Meant To Be

Pairing: Joel Miller x female reader (Just Too Good To Be Gone pairing)

Word count: 7,813

Rating: M - language, mentions of sex, TLOU universe situations ... overall pretty tame for me.

Warnings: This alludes to things that happen / are covered in TLOU and TLOU 2, but doesn’t spoil anything at all.

Summary: Even in Jackson, plans sometimes change ... which results in you and Joel getting to have an almost perfect day together.

Author’s Note: Hi, friends! This was supposed to be up for Valentine’s Day, but I’m a little delayed... sorry about that.

This is just to fill in a gap in their story - and to address something very important for this couple. It takes place between “Can’t Swallow What I’m Thinkin’” and “Lessons You Learn From a Past You Can’t Change”

To get alerted when I post new chapters/stories, follow @somethingtofightfor-shares and turn on post notifications - you can also ask to be added to my tag list (link in bio or at the top of my taglist reblog)

Just Too Good To Be Gone Masterlist

Song Suggestion: “Can’t Help Falling In Love” by Elvis Presley

There was someone knocking at his door - and even though Joel rushed to answer it, it still took him longer than usual to get there.

“I’m comin’!” His voice rose as he made his way down the steps, still toweling his hair dry. “Hang on a -” When he pulled the door open and saw Tommy on his porch, Joel frowned. “Why the hell didn’t you just come in?”

“I know better.” Arching a brow, Tommy stared past Joel and into the hallway behind him. “Didn’t want to see anything I’m not supposed to, if you know what I mean.” Of course.

“She ain’t even here.” Stepping to the side, Joel waved a hand, inviting his brother in. “Stayed at her place last night because I had to be up real early today.” Joel tossed the towel onto the counter, sighing. “Gotta get that barn done before we leave on that supply run in August, means we’ve gotta get it framed before she an’ I head out to Wilson.”

“We’re pushing the barn back a couple days.” Tommy moved around Joel’s kitchen, opening a cupboard and pulling out two mugs. “Schmidt wants to give the ground more time to dry out. He’s out there rakin’ right now.”

“So what does that mean?” Joel leaned against the kitchen island, arms crossed. “We planned this out so we’d have plenty of time.” Tommy nodded, pouring water into the upper portion of the coffee maker and then pressing the button to begin brewing it.

“We did. All it means is that it’ll take the same amount of time, but we’re startin’ Friday instead of today.” They were both quiet then, and Joel chewed on his bottom lip, waiting. He didn’t need to come here and tell me. He could have radioed. “Maria left early today, too.” Tommy sniffed, turning back to face Joel. “But she’s why I’m here.”

“Everything alright?” Frowning, Joel tensed, anticipating the worst. “Tommy?”

“Yeah.” Tommy reached up, smoothing his mustache down. “She’s fine. But.” He glanced back, checking the level of water in the coffee pot, and then met Joel’s eyes again. “But she needs a couple more sets of hands today.”

“Where?” His answer was immediate, but Tommy’s wasn’t, the other man reaching for the pre-packed drawstring bags of tea and dropping one into each mug. “Tommy, I swear to God, you’re pissin’ me off, and it’s not even -”

“Do you remember when we were kids, and we used to go to Pop and Mimi’s in the summer?” Well, yeah, but… “And we’d stay there for a couple weeks?”

“‘Course.” Joel pushed off of the island and reached past Tommy, grabbing for the handle of the pot and pouring the steaming liquid into the mugs. “They’d never make us go to bed, so we’d always say up real late.” Tommy laughed, lifting the teabag by the drawstrings and dunking it a few times. “All that time spent layin’ on the ground in a sleeping bag should have been good practice for …” He trailed off, Tommy scoffing in reply.

“Yeah, you’d fuckin’ think so.” Dropping the bag into the sink, he raised the mug and took a drink, his lip curling. “I miss coffee like you wouldn’t believe.”

“You and me both.” Joel sipped at his tea. “Can you get to the goddamn point, though, Tommy?” The younger man laughed, taking another drink.

“What else did we do when we were there, Joel?” Ate a bunch of junk food? Ran around the neighborhood until we were so tired we couldn’t stand up? “I’ll give you a hint.” He paused, narrowing his eyes. “You got up close and personal with some yellowjackets the one year.”

“Berry pickin’?” Joel froze with the mug halfway to his lips. “Maria needs help with berry pickin’?”

“She does.” Tommy grinned, licking his lips after another drink. “Blueberries, raspberries and strawberries are ripe, and you know how big that field is.” I do, I’m the one that fixed the fence last year. “So instead of framin’ out that barn today, you an’ me are gonna go and help out over there.”

“But that’s where -” That’s where she is. Out there with Maria. Tommy drained his mug and placed it into the sink, stepping forward and settling a hand on Joel’s shoulder, his fingers squeezing.

“Sure is, big brother.”

—

You were bent over a row of raspberry bushes, your fingers quickly picking the ripe fruits and dropping them into a basket when you heard his voice. “Hey, you.” What is he doing here?

Turing your head toward the sound, you widened your eyes at the sight of Joel and then stood up straight, pulling a berry free as you moved.

“Joel? What are you… I thought you were working on the barn today.” You watched as his smile grew from a small one into the grin that you rarely saw on his lips - the one that made him look years younger. Stepping closer to him, you held out your hand, the berry resting on your palm. “Want it?”

Without saying anything, Joel stepped closer and reached out, waiting until you’d dropped the fruit from your hand to his. Without looking away, he popped it into his mouth, the man chewing and swallowing. “Damn, those are good this year.” They are. “And yeah, we were supposed to work on the barn today, but the ground’s wet or somethin’, so we’re givin’ it another couple days.”

“Good.” Closing the distance between you even further, you used one hand to gesture vaguely. “There’s a lot to pick here.” He looked around, the man putting both hands on his hips. It gave you the chance to stare at him, your eyes taking in the fit of his t-shirt and jeans, the way his hair curled against he back of his neck - longer than he usually wore it, but still shorter than the longest you’d ever seen it.

He didn’t spend much time in the agricultural areas of Jackson. The only times you saw him in the greenhouses were when he was coming to see you or to fix something, and it was rare that Joel had any hand in the field harvests, either. But you would have been lying if you’d said that you were unhappy to see him among the greenery.

“I haven’t picked berries since I was a kid.” Joel finally spoke, his eyes drifting back to you. “You’re gonna have to help me out.” Fighting back a smile, you reached out again, waiting for him to take your hand. Gladly.

“It’s really easy, Joel.” Leading him to the bushes you’d been working on, you reached for one of the raspberries. “Try and pull it off the plant. If it comes off easy, it’s ripe. If you need more than a little force… it’s not ready.” A berry came free and you popped it into your mouth. “Same for blueberries. But we’re not going to get to those today, because Maria claims them.” You laughed, watching Joel reach for the plant, too. “Just put ‘em in the bucket, and then when it’s full, take it over to where the wagons are.”

“We brought a couple more.” Joel licked his lips, his hands already busy with the bush. “Wagons, I mean.”

“Good.” Eyeing him, you waited a few seconds to go back to what you were doing. “We’ll need as many as we can get. There’s gonna be a ton of fruit today. The weather’s been really good this year, and the fence kept the animals out.”

“You’re welcome.” Glancing over at you, Joel smirked. “For the fence, I mean.” You rolled your eyes, leaning over and picking an unripe berry off of the ground before you tossed it at him. “Oh, you’re wastin’ fruit now?”

“No. It was already wasted.” Head shaking back and forth, you looked down. “I’m glad you’re here, Joel. Thought I wasn’t gonna get to see you much for the next couple days.” He sighed, but you caught the nod he gave in return out of the corner of one eye.

“Yeah, I thought the same thing. Glad we were wrong.” You worked in silence for a few minutes, checking on the contents of the bucket every now and then as the two of you filled it.

But it was a good silence, the man’s presence next to you coupled with the heat of the late-morning air and the bright sunlight making you happier than you’d been in a long time. And when you glanced over at Joel, you saw that he looked relaxed, too, his lips curved upward into a small smile as he kept his hands busy. I like seeing him like this.

Between the two of you, you filled three 5 gallon buckets in just over an hour, making small talk as you worked your way down the row.

He told you about the time that he and Tommy had spent with their grandparents during their school breaks, about the incident when he was eleven, his entire right hand swelling up from multiple stings, and that it had resulted in his grandmother stopping on the way home to buy both brothers ice cream.

Joel also told you about the tiny garden that he’d kept in the back yard for Sarah to play in, and the hanging basket of strawberries that hung from a shepherd’s hook every summer, the girl excited to check for fresh fruit on a daily basis.

You’d noticed that when Joel was relaxed and not prodded, he tended to open up more. and because you wanted to know everything about him that you could, you didn’t interrupt, giving him free rein to speak at his own pace.

And it was Joel that cut himself off mid-sentence halfway through the fourth bucket, the man standing up straight and saying your name, one hand held out. “What?” Looking up from where you knelt on the ground, you tilted your head to the side. “What is -”

“C’mon. Take a break with me. Let’s get some water.” He kept his arm extended, but instead of reaching for it, you gave yourself permission to look at him - taking in the sight of the man’s sweat-damp forehead, the dark spot near the collar of his shirt and the way the sun was shining through his hair and highlighting the silver strands in his messy curls, some of them sticking to the back of his neck. Look at him.

Finally taking his hand, you let him pull you up, his fingers tightening around yours. “Gonna grab that bucket, we might as well empty it.” You picked it up but Joel took it from you and the two of you headed for the wagons, the man dropping your hand but not straying far.

Once you’d emptied the bucket into the larger crate, he set it down and waited for you to fill up two cups from the cooler that was sitting under the shade of a tree, the man taking one from you. “We can go sit over there.” Using your free hand, you gestured to a shady space about twenty feet to the right, facing away from the town.

You passed Maria and Tommy on the way, the two of them huddled over a row of blueberry bushes, pulling fruit away from the plants. Your friend glanced up but didn’t say anything, the woman winking before she returned her attention to her husband. “This shit’s almost harder than construction.” Joel groaned as he lowered himself to the ground, leaning his back against one of the fenceposts. “My knees are gonna feel awful tomorrow.”

“Yep.” Taking a seat next to him, you drank deeply from your cup, the cool water delicious as you swallowed it. “But it’s going to be worth it when there’s fresh pie and jam.” Turning your head toward him, you smiled. “That’s the best part about picking the fruit; we get to take some home without worrying about waiting for distribution.”

“Really?” His eyes widened. “Ellie’s gonna love that.” I know. You leaned in, eyes still locked with Joel’s.

“Yes, really. That’s why they rotate people in here, so that it’s spread out a little more between anyone that wants some extra. It’s not … there’s a lot of fruit, but it’s still kind of shitty to take more than you need. Honor system, you know?”

“That wouldn’t have worked in Boston.” He snorted, finishing his water and setting the cup down. “A handful of blueberries would have probably cost an entire ration card, maybe more. There was a literal black market for seeds, and some … some produce was worth more than goddamn pills.”

“That’s a surprise.” You finished your water, too, and then leaned back next to him, stretching your legs out in front of you. “Since you were a smuggler, did … did you ever smuggle food, Joel? Or was it all stuff?” He’d talked about his jobs plenty of times, but aside from telling you about some of the most memorable ones, he hadn’t gone into much detail.

“Anything and everything.” Joel reached up and ran his hand through his hair, shrugging. “Me an’ Tess would take on any job we were offered as long as the pay was right. Only thing we never did was smuggle people.” Joel paused and then laughed, the sound carrying on the breeze. “And then Marlene asked us to get Ellie out of the QZ, and …” He trailed off.

“And we all know how that turned out.” Extending your hand, you settled it on his knee. “Do you ever miss it? Not the danger or the actual job, but I mean…” I mean Boston. I mean the life you had there.

“I miss the unpredictability, sometimes.” Turning his head, Joel stared at you, his eyes warm from the bright sun overhead. “Never knew who we were gonna meet or where the job would take us. Made some really good connections that way, but…” Joel shook his head. “No. I don’t miss anything else. I didn’t do it because I wanted to, I did it because I had to and because I… we were good at it.”

“Oh.” You stared at each other for a few seconds, the uncertainty of how to respond giving you pause. That makes sense, but … but what do I say back? He spoke up then, negating the need for you to come up with anything in response.

“We should get back to it. How many more buckets do we need to fill?”

“It’s not by buckets.” Pushing to your feet, you brushed the backs of your legs off as Joel stood, too. “We have to finish the first two rows and then check on the others. They plants are different kinds, so usually theres a week or two in between when they’re first ready.” Swiping at your brow with the back of your hand, you eyed the man. “We’re almost done. That’s another good thing about a day out here … it’s never a full day.”

He didn’t laugh at that but you got a smile out of him, and only a few minutes later, you and Joel were back between the rows of bushes, both of you busily plucking the ripe fruits from their stems.

You continued to speak, trading stories back and forth, but even that trailed off into another comfortable silence - and then, just before you opened your mouth to ask him a question, you heard it.

Joel was humming as he picked - and when you glanced over in surprise, you saw that he was still smiling.

—

When he got home a little after 2 PM, the house was empty. Joel set the small containers of fresh berries that you’d insisted he take for himself on the counter and then headed upstairs, stripping his sweaty shirt off and throwing it onto the pile before he pulled on a new one.

Part of him wanted to take a shower, but the other part of him knew it would be better to wait, since you’d be over later that night for dinner and that meant he’d probably need to shower before bed. So Joel opted to put it off, instead heading into his workshop and deciding to make the most of the remaining hours of daylight.

He had a few commissioned projects to complete - a guitar for one of the guys he’d gone on patrol with a few times, a couple of small animal carvings as gifts for a pair of 8 year old twins, and two cutting boards - along with a shelving unit that he was working on for you. But when Joel sat, he didn’t know where to begin.

The change in his morning assignment had been a shock to him, but in a good way. He hadn’t been lying when he’d told you that he missed the unpredictability of smuggling in Boston, and though everything about Jackson was much less stressful, Joel was sometimes bored. Nah, that ain’t even the right word.

He leaned back on the rolling stool, rubbing a hand over his eyes. Safety and security weren’t boring, but the routine sometimes was. Even when he’d been assigned work duty in Boston, the location had changed often, and so had his duties and expectations. In Jackson, things were much more set based on skill and interest instead of necessity.

Before Jackson, Joel hadn’t ever imagined that a place like it could exist. And he sure as hell hadn’t thought that there’d ever be another easy day, time spent in the sun and doing something that was work, but wasn’t hard work.

And there was an immediate reward, too - more than the extra portions of fresh fruit on the counter, or another few days where he wouldn’t end the night with blistered hands.

He liked the carpentry projects that he worked on, and he didn’t mind the patrols or wall duty, but even after two years in the settlement, getting thrown a curveball - like what had happened that morning - was a welcome respite. Even somethin’ small, he thought as he ran a palm over one denim-clad thigh. Like gettin’ to spend a day with her outside.

He’d seen you watching him earlier, glancing over when you thought he wasn’t looking, your eyes taking in every inch of his frame, and he hadn’t minded at all. But he’d only seen it because he was also watching you every chance he got.

He paid attention to everything, but especially to you - to the way your deft fingers plucked the fruit from the stems and dropped them into the bucket that sat between you. He focused on the way that you’d occasionally stop to pop a berry into your mouth, a quiet sigh escaping your lips as you bit down on it, the same hand reaching up to wipe tiny beads of sweat from your brow with the back of it before you returned to your task. And Joel zeroed in on the way the sun hit your face, forcing you to squint a little and tilt your head, exposing the column of your neck to his greedy eyes.

It was more than that, though - Joel’s feelings for you growing faster than he thought possible in such a relatively short period of time, and every new detail was a revelation to him, no matter how small.

“Get your shit together, Miller.” He groaned and wheeled himself back toward the table, both hands reaching out for his tools.

He started with one of the carvings - a rabbit - and for a few minutes, he worked in silence, every scrape of the chisel producing a small, curled wood shaving that dropped onto the tabletop.

But he couldn’t focus, and so with a roll of his eyes, Joel sat the piece and his tools down and then stood, scrubbing his hands over his face before heading into his bedroom.

You were a distraction, but for the first time in a long time, Joel didn’t think that was entirely a problem.

He’d been successful at pushing feelings and emotions to the side for a most of his life - beginning before Outbreak Day, and then after had been a different story. But I let Tess in. And I let Ellie in. Lowering himself onto the edge of his bed, he turned his head, gaze landing on the side of it that you always slept on. And then I let her in.

Even from the beginning, he’d admired your patience. In some people, that patience was a weakness, but in you, it was something more - something almost tactical, and he’d recognized it the very first time he’d met you.

That patience made it possible for you to keep a cool head even in difficult circumstances. The longer he’d spent around you, the more Joel understood how much of an asset that truly was, especially when he’d been used to using his fists and brute strength to make people see things from his point of view.

You’d reminded him of Tess - and he’d told you that without shame, the admission that that woman would have liked you an honest one, though it hadn’t come at the best time. But you took it in stride, much like you did so many other things, and as more and more time went on and the two of you got closer, Joel had - unwittingly - started to open up more than he’d ever wanted to before.

The circumstances allowed it, and though he’d been hesitant to fully give in, Joel couldn’t help himself.

There was never an option for a casual physical relationship with you - the idea had repulsed him. Remaining friends and friends only would have been possible up until the moment he’d heard your real laugh the night he’d come to check on you after finding out about your sister. That single sound had done him in, and from there, everything snowballed.

He’d known that you coming over to watch a movie would probably end with the two of you in bed. He’d known that despite the fact that the guilt he still carried - and would carry until he could tell you the truth - would eat at him, he wasn’t keeping anything from you, he was keeping a secret for Ellie, and there was an important distinction. He’d also known that like with the little girl, the moment he admitted to himself that he felt something for you, it would be impossible to pretend that he didn’t.

“Well, shit.” Joel laid back, keeping his feet on the floor and covering his face with both hands. Friendship was natural, especially when the two of you weren’t depending on each other for survival. Feelings, he was alright with too, because they were proof that he was still alive - and the ability to get close to him was a feat all on its own, which meant that you were doing something right.

But the thing that had taken root in his heart the previous winter? The realization that it was more than concern for and admiration of you, that there was more to it than simple attraction? He’d forced himself to bite it back each time it threatened to reveal itself, despite the fact that each time he did it, it got harder and harder to ignore.

Things weren’t normal, and they never would be, no matter how safe it was inside the walls of Jackson.

There were parts of his past that Joel couldn’t overlook or ignore, things that he fully believed would come back and haunt him given enough time - and he hated the thought of you getting caught up in them. Especially if she doesn’t know. Rubbing at his eyes, Joel took a deep breath and then stared at the ceiling, lacing his fingers together atop his abdomen.

He’d already broken his rules with you, time and time again, and even though you never made a big deal out of it, he knew you understood. And so do Tommy and Ellie, because … they know me. All of ‘em. Words were meaningless - promises were made and broken every single day, and so he’d made it a point to show you what he felt in and out of the bedroom, and Joel hoped that the message was loud and clear. Even if I can’t say it.

The sound of the front door slamming followed by Ellie’s voice calling his name urged him into action. With one final groan, Joel sat up and then stood, using one hand to rifle through his hair before heading back downstairs, the girl a perfect distraction.

“Joel? You here? What are -” There was a pause and then Ellie swore, her excitement evident in the next words she spoke. “Holy shit, fresh fruit? Where did -”

“I’m here.” He stopped in the doorway, leaning against the frame. “Didn’t go and work on that barn today. Went an’ picked fruit instead. Figured you’d like to have somea those berries.”

“Can I?” She was leaning over the counter, her palms flat on the surface. “I didn’t even know they were ready and we walk by the garden like… every day. Dina said -”

“You can, but don’t eat ‘em all. I’m supposed to save some for breakfast.” The girl’s eyes widened, her mouth falling open. “Muffins, I think. Don’t quote me on that, but -”

“She’s making us muffins?” Ellie groaned and popped a blueberry into her mouth. “God, Joel, you know if you just asked her to move in, it would be much easier.” What? He froze, Ellie’s name on the tip of his tongue, but she continued, reaching for a raspberry. “Like, there’s plenty of room here. I live in the garage, and it’s not like you need two bedrooms. Fuck these are good.” She took another berry and then stood up, gesturing at the kitchen. “You two are just going back and forth between two houses, and it’s stupid.”

“Ellie, I …” I don’t know what to say. “She’s lived in that apartment almost the entire time she’s been here, I don’t think she wants to move.”

“Dude, she’d move in here with you yesterday if you asked.” She reached for a strawberry, picking the stem and leaves off before she raised it, eyeing the fruit without looking at him. “What are you waiting for?”

“I don’t know.” He answered honestly, stepping into the room and stopping opposite her before leaning forward and resting his elbows on the countertop. “Hasn’t come up.”

“So bring it up.” She finished her strawberry, shrugging her shoulders as she chewed, her eyes locked with his. “It’s easy.” It wasn’t, though - not for him, but Joel knew how persistent Ellie could be and so he nodded, reaching forward to pick up a couple of the berries, too.

“We’re goin’ on that supply run in August. Maybe I’ll…” He frowned. No, I will. “We’ll talk about it then. We’ll have plenty of time.”

“Good.” She grinned, tossing a blueberry in his direction. “She’s not gonna wait forever for you to ask.” The thought terrified him, and he knew that while Ellie was telling the truth, she wasn’t doing it to scare him - it was just her nature. But she ain’t wrong. “Do you think I can go pick some of these?” She pointed at the containers, reaching up to scratch at the back of her neck with her other hand. “I could eat this whole thing right now.”

“You can ask.” He smiled, nodding. “She’s comin’ over for dinner tonight, and she’ll know better than I will.”

“Cool!” Ellie grinned and straightened up, too. “One of you come get me when she’s here, alright?”

He assured her that he would and then Ellie was gone, back out the front door and leaving Joel standing in the bright light of his kitchen. The girl’s words gave him even more to think about, and with a quiet laugh, he turned and headed back for the stairs. At least the damn wood can’t talk back.

—

The sun was sinking lower toward the horizon by the time you made it over to Joel’s that night, a small bag slung over one shoulder and another in your hands. Even though you’d showered and changed, you could still feel the sunlight from earlier, your skin pleasantly warm from the time you’d spent outside.

And because you were in a good mood, you’d dressed for the occasion, intending to surprise Joel. I just hope he … doesn’t think it’s weird.

Stepping onto the porch, you raised your hand to knock, closing your eyes and taking a deep breath. “Joel?” You called his name as your knuckles made contact with the wood and then stepped back, waiting.

It didn’t take him long to reach the door and pull it open, the man’s mouth opening to greet you and then freezing that way, his eyes going wide. Guess he doesn’t think it’s weird. “You… damn.” Joel sucked in a breath and then stepped back, gesturing for you to come in. “Never seen you dressed like this before. What’s the …” With a smile on your face, you passed him and headed into the kitchen, Joel trailing behind you.

It was just a dress - a dark blue, calf length sundress with a tiny floral print on it, a belt tied loosely at the waist. You’d paired it with comfortable sneakers to make it more practical, but you understood his reaction. Because it’s not at all what he’s used to seeing me in.

“Figured it would be alright for a couple hours, hmm?” Setting the smaller bag down on the island and the larger one on one of the kitchen chairs, you turned back to face him. “I don’t do this often, but -” He cut you off when he stepped forward, one hand rising to cradle your cheek against his palm, the other landing against your opposite hip. “Joel?”

“Wish you could do it more.” Lips quirking up briefly, he leaned in and kissed you, the man’s mouth soft on yours. “Easy access for me.” You couldn’t contain your laughter, winding your arms around him and letting Joel pull you even closer, the man’s mouth dropping from yours to your neck, his smile still evident. This feels so normal. Feels… like before.

“It’s good to hear you making jokes, Joel.” Murmuring the words, you threaded your fingers through his hair, a smile on your face, too. When you separated a few seconds later, you pulled your hands away from him and crossed them over your chest, though you didn’t look away. “I brought other clothes. Something to sleep in, and something to wear tomorrow, but if you -”

No way.” He nodded, pressing his lips together in a thin line. “You know that whenever you’re here at night, I’m never gonna ask you to leave.” You did know that, but you liked confirming it - and part of you knew that Joel also liked the confirmation, because it told him that despite all the time you’d been together, you still weren’t expecting things from him. “Ellie wanted me to let her know when you got here.”

“Yeah?” He nodded, jerking his chin toward the window.

“Yeah. She wants to go out to pick next time the fruit’s ripe, and I told her to ask you because you’d know more.” Of course she does. She’s never been. “I’ll go an’ get her.”

“Joel, wait.” Reaching out, you rested your hand on his arm. “Wait just a few minutes.” He was confused and you understood. Usually, you were all for bringing Ellie in to spend time with the two of you, and that night’s hesitation was a surprise to him. “It’s stupid. I know it is, but …” Gesturing to the things you’d unpacked you rested your hands on the counter and lowered your chin. “I never get to see you like you were earlier today, and I just thought … Joel, I just thought that we could keep going like it’s…”

It had sounded better in your head while you showered and got dressed, and again while you walked to his place. But as you spoke the words, you realized how foolish it was to pretend - to ask Joel to give you even a few more minutes for a stupid fantasy. “Like it’s what?” He stepped closer, one large hand landing atop yours. “Keep it goin’ like it’s what?”

“Like we both called off work and spent the day together.” You scoffed, looking up and rolling your eyes. “Like we had a day date and now we’re going to have one tonight. I’ll make dinner and bake muffins, and we’ll sit together and eat, and …” You trailed off, lifting one hand to cover your face. “It’s so stupid. God, just hearing myself say it, it’s -”

“It ain’t stupid.” He said your name, squeezing your hand. “At all.” It is. But thanks for… thanks for trying. “You want a couple more minutes with me?” You nodded, despite yourself, and he nodded back, pulling away from you and putting his hand on his hip. “Alright. You tell me what you need to me to do.” I…

You let yourself stare at him again, searching his face for a sign that he was just humoring you - and you couldn’t find one.

All you saw were his eyes on you - the man watching you with barely-concealed desire, the skin of his cheeks and the bridge of his nose slightly sunburned, the freckles there standing out more than they usually did and making you fall even harder for him than you already had.

Tell him. Tell him that you - “I brought pasta.” Swallowing hard, you closed your eyes and took a breath. “Figured we could use those tomatoes and some garlic and make a sauce, and we’d have spaghetti. I didn’t have any meat, but -”

“I do.” He pointed at the refrigerator and then moved toward it. “Some bison, actually. It’s steaks, but we can use the grinder.” He trailed off as he stepped past you and opened the refrigerator, only speaking again when he’d set the package down on the island next to you. “Grind it up and add it the sauce. How’s that sound?” It sounded perfect to you - much like every night spent with Joel and doing domestic things sounded. Stop being so goddamn ridiculous.

“Good. It’ll be nice to see that thing get some use.” He raised a middle finger at you, turning away to grab a bowl while you spun to fill a pot with water, prepping it for the noodles. As always, the two of you moved fluidly together in the kitchen, and within only a few minutes, you were crushing tomatoes and garlic and Joel was feeding the meat into the funnel, cranking the arm with his other hand.

Pausing to watch, you felt your cheeks growing warm at the way his biceps flexed with each motion of his hand, Joel’s t-shirt pulled tight against his broad chest. You’d never get tired of looking at him, and you knew that not only was the world too far gone for trivial things like that to matter, you were much too old to stare at him like a teenager with a crush. But what’s the point if…

“You’re staring.” He’d finished with the meat, both of the man’s hands flat on the countertop and his eyes on you. “Makin’ sure I’m doing it right?”

“No, Joel.” Setting the knife down, you picked up the cutting board and dumped everything into a bowl, giving yourself a few seconds to recover before you faced him again. “I know you’re doing it right, I’m just …” Placing the board in the sink, you turned back toward him, surprised to see that Joel was night next to you. “What are you -”

“Washin’ my hands.” Holding them up, he smirked. “Don’t wanna get raw meat all over you.” All over me? What? “Don’t put that on the stove yet.” He stopped you as you reached for the bowl of ground meat, your hands freezing just before you grabbed it. “Wait a minute.”

—

The sight of you at his front door - wearing a dress had almost derailed the entire night, Joel barely able to restrain himself from taking your hand and leading you up to the bedroom right then and there. It was rare that he was speechless, but he had been that night, the sight of you making his throat dry and his fingers flex in anticipation and admiration.

Your explanation for your outfit - and for waiting longer to call Ellie in made perfect sense to him, and despite his best efforts, he let himself think about what a normal life with you would be like.

Instead of infected and bandits and pasts shrouded in shame and mystery, Joel imagined date nights and road trips, visiting friends and reaching milestones - one of which Ellie had suggested earlier, and another that he’d been putting off for far too long. But so has she, and it’s for the same reason.

You eased the tension as you started prepping dinner, and grinding the meat gave Joel a little more time to gather his thoughts.

But when he caught you staring, your eyes fixed on what his hands and arms were doing, he knew that putting it off any longer was the wrong decision. And so he made a joke, giving himself a few more seconds to mentally prepare, followed by a second joke, the man rinsing his hands quickly and then turning back to stop you from rushing with the cooking. “Wait a minute.”

You stopped, caught between Joel and the island, and much like the first night you’d been over for a movie, he didn’t try to stop himself from closing the distance to kiss you, his damp hand pressed to the center of your back, bare skin the only thing he could feel beneath it.

He kissed you hard, wasting no time with easing you into it, the man’s tongue parting your lips and seeking more from you, the angle of your head adjusting automatically to accommodate his. Your hands gripped the material of his shirt, urging him to get closer, and when you sighed against his lips, one hand letting go and then stroking slowly over his back, he felt the knot of anxiety in his chest loosen. That’s it.

He already considered you family - and he was certain everyone in Jackson knew it, thanks to the incident that had happened with Cooper and the bloater in the old middle school. The two of you were rarely apart when you weren’t working on on patrols, and there was no question as to whether or not Ellie wanted you around. He knew where Tommy stood on the topic of you and having a place in Joel’s life.

As the kiss continued, both of you briefly breaking to breathe, Joel finally understood everything - admitting the truth to himself for the first time even though deep down, he’d known it for months. She’s hesitating because I am.

When you separated, he eased himself backwards, putting a few inches of space between the two of you without letting go, and then Joel said your name again, the sound catching in his throat. “I shoulda said this sooner.”

“Said what, Joel?” Pulling your lower lip back and between your teeth, you dropped one hand to his waist, the one that had been fisting the material of his shirt remaining in place. “What are -”

“I’m done waitin’.” He smiled at you, nodding. “And I think you are, too.” There was confusion in your eyes and he winced. No more of that. The man nodded twice, raising a hand to your face and taking your chin between one finger and his thumb, making sure that your eyes were on him before he said anything else. “I love you.”

It felt like a dam breaking - three words that he hadn’t said out loud to anyone in twenty years leaving his mouth and meant only for you to hear - and if your reaction was any indication, you weren’t fully prepared for the flood. But it feels right. He lifted his thumb, stroking it slowly over your lower lip, the man unable to look away, even as tears welled in your eyes.

“Say it again.” Your voice wavered, tongue darting out and making contact with the tip of his finger briefly. “Joel, please say it again.”

“I love you.” That time, his voice cracked, but a small smile followed, Joel’s next words rushed. “And I know what saying that means, and I know that it ain’t a -”

“I love you, too.” There was no hesitation, your voice much stronger than his had been. “I have for a while.” He felt relief at your admission, and even though he’d been almost certain that you felt the same, part of him - the part of him that was still firmly rooted in the past and what he’d done - had doubted. Not her, but … whether or not I deserve it.

You kissed him then, the press of your lips reassurance and relief indeed of a something demanding, and Joel didn’t want to let you go. But I have to. We’ve gotta make dinner, and Ellie’s comin’ in, and … “Hey.” He spoke quietly, his forehead pressed to yours. “We’ve gotta….”

“I know.” With a long sigh, you pushed him away, your eyes glittering with unshed tears. “Go get her. I’ll start cooking.” Stepping away, from you, Joel stopped at the sound of your voice, turning to look at you from over his shoulder. “We can talk later, if you want.”

Of course I want that. “Yeah. We can.”

—

You replayed it over and over in your mind for the next few hours, but no matter how many times you heard Joel’s voice telling you that he loved you, you knew that it wouldn’t ever be enough.

It had caught you off guard, and if you hadn’t been pressed up and against the edge of the kitchen island, you knew that you probably would have lost your balance. He loves me. He loves me and … You’d had an idea that he felt that way, but never actually thought you’d hear him say it. And I get it, but I … I still wanted it.

Dinner went smoothly - Ellie coming in just in time to help you cut and toast a loaf of bread while the meat browned and the noodles cooked. The three of you ate in the living room, the TV playing an old comedy movie that Ellie found hysterical.

You barely paid attention to it, instead curled up against Joel’s side, the man’s arm around your shoulders and holding you close. You wondered what he thought of the situation - of the three of you spending the night together in his house after such an immense admission only a few hours earlier.

But his even breathing and the way his hand never faltered in the slow and steady path it was making against your upper arm told you that everything was fine. Good. Because I don’t know what I’d do if things were different now.

Ellie sad goodnight around 10, the girl heading back to her garage and leaving you and Joel alone in the house. As soon as she was gone, the silence was almost overwhelming, even with the sounds of Joel checking the door and window locks.

“Upstairs or down here?” He appeared back in the doorway, leaning against the frame, and the man kept his eyes on you while he waited for your answer.

“Probably down here for now.” Raising a brow, you wrinkled your nose. “We don’t usually talk much up there.” Joel laughed and came back into the room, lowering himself onto the couch next to you and then reaching out, pulling you toward him. You helped, easing over so that you were partially sitting on his lap, and then the two of you stopped moving, the room silent around you.

The overhead light was dimmed, casting shadows into the corners of the room, and after only a few minutes, the movement of Joel’s hand started again, the rough pads of his fingers trailing up and down your arm. “I haven’t told anyone that I love them since … since Sarah.” He sniffed, taking a long breath. “And I haven’t said it to a woman since Nadine.”

That shocked you, your hand pressing harder against his chest in response. Since Nadine? “Joel, I don’t… you didn’t…”

“Even before,” he started, the hand not on your arm sliding up and down your cotton-covered thigh. “I only said it when I meant it.” Lifting your head, you met his eyes, the vulnerability in them clearly visible. “I mean it now.”

“I know.” Leaning in, you pressed your lips to his cheek and then dropped them down, letting them linger against the bare patch closer to the edge of his jaw. “I mean it too.”

“Good.” He forced out a laugh and you backed off, watching as he frowned. “Don’t know what I would have done if you you didn’t.” His tone was serious, but you saw a flicker of relief cross his features, the man smiling briefly.

It made you laugh, though. Your entire body shook as he pulled you close, drawing you into the protective circle of his arms like he had so many times before. “I’ve loved you for a long time, Joel. Didn’t say it because, I didn’t want to scare you off, but … that doesn’t mean it wasn’t true.”

You didn’t think he was going to reply, but then Joel did, kissing the crown of your head and speaking once he’d turned his head to press his cheek there.

“Yeah… I know you did. I’m sorry it took me so long to get outta my head about it.”

You couldn’t fault him for waiting. Things weren’t like they had been before, and even though you’d wanted to hear the words from him, you’d always known that when - and if - he said them, it couldn’t be because you’d prompted him to do so.

“No need to apologize, Joel.” Backing off, you reached up, stroking his bearded cheek with your thumb. “You said it now, and that’s all that matters.” He nodded, eyeing you. “And to be honest, you said it without saying it, too, for a long time, but…”

“So did you.” He leaned in, the man’s lips moving slowly against yours. “All the damn time.” The kiss was languid, you and Joel staying as close as possible for a long time - and then you broke away from him, standing and extending your hand.

“Come on, Miller.” He leaned forward, reaching up and twining his fingers with yours. “Got some more things to say to you upstairs.”

—

Tag list coming soon!

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