#some say that seeing people who survived suicide attempts on tv make them get over that blah blah blah etc

[yessadirichards]

Apple TV+'s 'Silo' is a look at a future of life underground

NEW YORK

Dystopian storytelling goes underground this month with the arrival of Apple TV+'s “Silo,” a gripping, ambitious tale of Earth's last population living far below the surface.

Something terrible has happened to make the environment toxic so 10,000 people are hiding out in a massive, mile-deep underground silo until it's safe to come out. They grow food, maintain a huge generator for power and recycle everything.

But there's also a sense of dread down here, too, and secrets, mysteries and suspicious murders. What exactly happened to the Earth? What is this talk about a rebellion 140 years ago? Where are all the books? Can we trust what the government is saying?

“Life in the silo in many ways is pretty good. They’re part of this cause, which is basically just to stay alive until the day that it is safe to go outside. So they feel that they’ve got this common mission,” says creator and showrunner Graham Yost.

“Bu you just get a sense that there’s been a slight eugenic program to try and breed out curiosity, independence, obstreperousness — all those nasty human things. And you also get the sense that that’s not going to succeed.”

One of those rebelling is the 10-part series' heroine, a woman named Juliette, an engineer with a tragic childhood who seeks answers about the silo. She's played by Rebecca Ferguson, who says she was drawn to the work by its complexity.

“If you and I right now have to be stuck in a silo and we have to evolve and survive, what would happen? It's sort of ‘Lord of the Flies’-meets-Greta Thunberg-meets-the people who question the status quo. It’ll be chaos,” says the actor, know for “Dune” and the “Mission: Impossible” films.

Based on Hugh Howey’s bestselling trilogy, “Silo” also stars Tim Robbins, Common, David Oyelowo, Rashida Jones and Will Patton. The first two episodes drop Friday.

This is world-building that slowly reveals itself. There are familiar things — tattoo artists, cops complaining about paperwork and ice trays — but also some different notes. Coins are square, suicide is a crime, and no one knows what a Pez dispenser is — a so-called relic of the before times and so illegal to own.

The series contains two opposite philosophic ideas — that mankind is good and it is society that makes it bad, and that men and women are born fundamentally bad and society tames them.

The people inside the silo are told that outside has become a wasteland and so they’ve formed a system of government that can charitably called a soft dictatorship, like East Germany in the 1980s. Anyone questioning the system is expelled — sent out into what seems to be a wasteland where everyone inside watches them crumple and die within minutes. Or do they?

“While life in the silo isn’t terrible, it’s not great. There’s something wrong and that battle between the truth and order is something that will play out over the whole series,” says Yost.

There have been previous attempts to get Howey’s books onto the big screen, but Yost thinks a 10-hour TV series is the best, including echoing the book by having Juliette only show up in the last few minutes of the first episode and take over.

“It’s bold. It makes sense,” says Ferguson. “It's a story being built up around a world where you don’t have to automatically see it through the lens of the character who’s going to pull you through it. I love that in storytelling.”

The look of life in the silo is carefully made, with most items made of metal and plastic, since growing trees for wood underground is hard. There is a grit and dirt, dim lighting and a grand curling staircase that connects the 144 concrete levels, with farming in the middle and working-class laborers in the bottom.

When audiences first meet Juliette, she is the chief engineer at the bottom keeping the generator running — “She pretty much keeps everyone in the silo alive,” an admirer says — and then events send her up to the top of the structure, where the bureaucrats and leaders are.

“We love the idea of the reluctant hero,” says Yost . “She didn’t set out to be a hero. It was thrust upon her begrudgingly. And that’s the kind of hero we like to write about.”

He hopes to be rewarded with a second, third and fourth season to flush out this underground world. He hopes fans will also turn to the books it is based on — with one request.

“As I told Hugh, I said, ‘I just want everyone who watches this show to read the books AFTER they finish watching the show.’”

[mobvla]

watching ‘the sea inside’ for philosophy class and im SO fed up of this “no but life is worth it!!!!!!!!!!!!” for you maybe, not for some so shut the fuck up and stop trying to impose YOUR view on life onto others????????????

[localvoidcat]

also holy shit there's a lot of stuff for your ml au FVGBHNJ (i tried maybe getting info abt it but omg there's so many posts and i dont feel like going through all of them /lh i just do not have patience). is there a post that sums up the au? bc i think someone has asked abt that before and i have no idea where that post would be FVGBHNJ /nf though bc i probably sound annoying -coward anon

i’ve been needing to write down my rewrite of the plot, so i’ll put it here!

this au starts the same as vol 1. mark gets the call, he goes to cesar’s house, he gets followed by the alternate, and he’s trapped in his room for three days.

however, he runs out of bullets while firing at the alternate, just before he’s able to take the last shot, and ends up taking the only other alternative: jumping out of his bedroom window. he breaks his leg from the impact (he did not think it through fully and just kind of. flung himself out), but he manages to get away from the house. he does go back in to get his cat, but then he books it out of the house and drives away.

the alternate, of course, hasn’t left his side. not wanting it to harm anyone around him, he decides to not involve anyone in it, so he basically ends up. kind of faking his death between the state of his bedroom and the refusal to go back to mandela. his family doesn’t really try to find him when he goes missing.

meanwhile, cesar survived his suicide attempt. the cameras in his house ended up broken, however, and between his mom being killed with what seems to be the same weapon he used, and mark’s disappearance, he’s listed as a suspect instead of the alternate. with his best friend and his mom supposedly dead, and the cops after him, he has no choice but to flee mandela county as well. things are not fun for this man

cut to seventeen years later. mark’s been living in bythorne, albeit under a different last name. alt cesar is still tormenting him, but he’s gotten used to it. everything’s going decent for him, until one day when he’s walking home from work and he ends up getting hit by a van.

the bps van, which is being driven by adam and jonah. after a quick discussion over whether or not they should try to hide the body, they realize he’s alive and decide to bring him back to their place and convince him not to sue them. or arrest them. or any number of things that usually happens when you hit someone with a car.

mark wakes up in the bps headquarters (which is just. a shabby apartment the three of them share) and hears people talking. these people end up being adam, jonah, and sarah, who mark hasn’t seen since she was 3. obviously she doesn’t recognize him at first considering how different he looks and that she was 3 at the time, but she eventually does. heathcliff siblings end up being reunited, but there’s still the issue of. well. adam hitting mark with a van.

his solution is, of course, letting mark join bps and get some of the money from their next job. begrudgingly, mark says yes.

the next job is the one from vol 2, which means that they have to go to mandela county. upon seeing cesar’s house, mark freaks out, but he still goes inside anyway.

cue to the argument between adam and jonah. just as adam’s about to go in the basement, mark stops him and makes him wait while mark explores the basement instead. adam’s pissed about this but he listens to mark (considering he’s like. a decade older than him) and goes back to the car with jonah.

once in the basement, mark is confronted by six, who reminds mark of his encounters with him during his childhood, as well as all of the alternate stuff in general. in a moment of panic, he shoots the tv and tries to get the hell out of the house.

all adam and jonah hear, however, is a gunshot. adam assumes mark killed himself and drives off, leading to another fight between adam and jonah, who doesn’t think they should have left him behind. they end up getting out of the car and physically fighting in the snow, before they finally decide to stop and go get mark. they’re both visibly messed up after this fight i think they do this every week. mandatory beat the shit out of each other day you know how it is

meanwhile, with mark, he tries to chase after the car, but struggles due to the fact that it’s a vehicle going at max speed, and his leg is still bad due to never getting it checked out when it was first harmed. it’s here that he’s confronted by an alternate, that takes his appearance and runs off.

when adam and jonah find “mark”, they chalk up his odd behavior and silence to just an alternate encounter, and go back to bythorne. actual mark is left having to walk all the way back until he can find a car.

when the three get back to bps, sarah can tell there’s something going on with mark, but adam and jonah tell her he’s definitely fine. it goes well for alt mark up until someone shows up at the door a day later.

it’s actual mark. upon seeing it, mark fires at alt mark with his gun. it’s made clear that one’s an alternate when it barely flinches at the bullet, and the four of them escape from the alternate, who’s started chasing them. they manage to get away for a little bit, just enough for mark to yell at adam for driving off without him, before alt mark shows back up again.

this time, it manages to inflict jonah with mad before running off. so now we’ve got mark, who now has at least two alternates on his trail, sarah, who’s only had her brother for about a week now, adam, who’s going to find out he’s an alternate very soon, and jonah, who’s now dealing with mad at the hands of alt mark.

in the meantime, vol 4 is playing out the same way it does in canon, with thatcher, dave, and evelin. evelin goes through the tapes, she gets fired, dave takes up the job at the church, all that stuff.

however, when dave encounters alt gabriel, it decides not to kill him, finding it better to force him to watch the downfall brought on by his own unknowing hand.

only problem is that humans aren’t really capable of looking at angels, even false ones, with the naked eye, and dave’s eyes end up melting out of his skull, as well as his mad getting much much worse. when thatcher finds him on church grounds, he’s understandably a mess, apologizing for something thatcher doesn’t understand and saying something about. impending doom. as one does. thatcher takes dave back to his place to try and help him, unaware of the fact that alt gabriel’s plan has already been set into motion.

because vol 4 ended on a cliffhanger, i don’t have too much of the plot after this point. all i can tell you is that mark finds out adam’s an alternate and does not take it well, jonah ends up living through his mad, alt mark makes sure to come back, bps interacts with thatcher and dave (mark punches thatcher at one point it’s really funny) and overall. shit’s fucked.

[introvertguide]

Abuse of Children Portrayed in Film

I like to use movies as an escape from the harshness of the real world and one of the things that I have learned about in my education is the effects on children when they are mistreated. I have a Masters Degree in Developmental Psychology and one of the hardest classes for me to handle was Abnormal Development in Children and Adolescents. We covered everything from dealing with dyslexia and ADHD to surviving severe abuse and loss at a very early age. We had guest speakers that ranged from people who had escaped genocide as children, to individuals who had been sold into prostitution by their parents, to people who had suffered severe abuse from their parents or guardian. I have heard stories that will stick with me forever and that is nightmare fuel that I don't want to share.

Because of my background education, I take note of the treatment and behavior of children and adolescents in the movies that I watch. There have been many great movies over the years that have depicted the suffering of children and it has always been difficult for me to deal with. There are more well known examples of films that focus on suffering but throw in more of a "sometimes we all suffer, even the children" message that demonstrate that kids aren't immune to great travesties (basically any film about The Holocaust). There are also well known films that show children "coming of age" through hardship (Annie 1982, Oliver! 1968) but end perfectly. There is a more current series of films that focuses entirely on a boy discovering a fantasy world that was robbed from him when his parents were murdered by a tyrant (Harry Potter series). But in this list I want to review some lesser known films that show examples of abuse. Even after all that I have seen and heard, the following list of films have affected me personally for one reason or another. Sometimes the children in these films endure and overcome their situation in the end. Sometimes these children do not survive or sadly remain in their misfortunes. To me, this can make the movie all the more powerful because of the incredible amount of pathos that endangering a child character can add. It can also make it a heart wrenching experience that is painful to watch. Here are some powerful films in which children suffer and the struggle is one of the main plot lines of the movie:

SPOILER WARNING AND VIEWER DISCRETION ADVISORY!!! I AM GOING TO GIVE AWAY THE PLOT TO THESE FILMS AND IT SHOULD GO WITHOUT SAYING THAT SOME OF THE PLOTS ARE DISTURBING!!! EITHER WATCH THE FILM IF YOU DON'T WANT SPOILERS OR CHECK OUT THE FOLLOWING SUMMARIES IF YOU WOULD RATHER JUST HEAR WHAT HAPPENS SO YOU KNOW IF YOU WANT TO WATCH OR NOT!!!

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Sybil (TV Movie) 1976

I just recently saw this film after I had heard of the story in my abnormal development class almost 10 years ago. It is the story of a woman who developed multiple personalities to deal with a childhood in the care of an undiagnosed schizophrenic mother. The movie stars Sally Fields and is based on a true account of Shirley Ardell Mason and her treatment by psychologist Cornelia Wilbur. The acting in the film is overdramatic at times, but it definitely reminded me of some of the actual old videos of Shirley Mason and her sudden strange switches in personality when she was scared or anxious. Dr. Wilbur used hypnosis to actually introduce Mason to her alternate personalities and she was able to recognize her disassociative identity disorder and overcome it. It still hurts me to think that this person was mentally wounded so deeply by her parents that it basically shattered her into pieces in an effort to make sense of things.

Leon: The Professional 1994

I mention this film a lot because it is a heartwarming story of an assassin teaching a young orphan how to murder. It is the breakout role for Natalie Portman and it is just amazing. Leon is a "cleaner" that lives next door to an abusive and addictive family with a troubled girl named Mathilda. The father gets in trouble with the mob and some enforcers come by and slaughter most of the family while Mathilda is getting groceries. She returns during the massacre and realizes what is happening so continues next door and pleads for shelter. Leon takes her in and teachers her the trade and protects her from the men who want to finish her off. The movie was written and directed by Luc Besson and stars Jean Reno, Gary Oldman, and Natalie Portman. The suffering that this girl endures because of her parent's addictions hurts me, yet I have seen and enjoyed this film many times. I recommend watching when in the mood to be deeply affected by the trials of a little girl and the killer who protected her.

Kids 1995

This film came out when I was early in high school and bothered me greatly. It is a story by Harmony Korine, and one of his many attempts to capture the hopeless lives of unmotivated and unsupervised teens. These are young teens having unprotected sex, stealing money to do drugs, and attacking people in the park. I did not really go to these kinds of parties when I was that age (or ever really) and it has bothered me to think that adolescents would partake in this kind of behavior. It is hard for me to believe that these kids had the ability to mentally comprehend the consequences of their actions and some of the characters end up contracting HIV from each other. I would not recommend the film because it is a depressing day in the life that no youth should have.

Gummo 1997

I would not call this a good movie and I wouldn't really recommend it. It is another work by Harmony Korine and really details the depravity that can occur with unsupervised youths living in low socio-economic conditions. This movie is just depressing and motivated me to find something to motivate me into action. I got into both psychology and teaching, which has served me well for the past 20 years. It was this film that showed me how low the bar for quality of life could be, and I guess for that I am thankful. However, I still wouldn't recommend it.

Happiness 1998

This movie I didn't see right away but noticed it at the video store on many occasions. I final watched it when I was about 25 on the recommendation of a friend and one particular storyline greatly disturbed me. It is basically the story of 3 sisters that feel they should be happy and project a face of happiness, yet they are miserable and have horrible lives. One sister in particular is married to a psychiatrist who turns out to be a pedophile that rapes the friends of his young son. At one point rather early on in the movie, this man confesses to his son that he raped the boy's friends and that he would do it again. The son is so confused that he asks his father why he never raped him. It is so disturbing to me because I know the boys that were assaulted will be forever damaged and this boy who was not actually raped will be mentally scarred as well. The fact that there are people in the world that would harm children that way, recognize what they had done, and then know they didn't have the self control to stop themselves from doing it again is horrifying to me.

Lilya 4-Ever 2002

This film is deeply disturbing and I highly recommend never watching it. I will spoil it for you now so you never have to see it if you don't want. A 16-year-old girl named Lilya lives with her mother. The mom gets a boyfriend and the couple move to America and abandons Lilya with a neglectful aunt. The aunt movies into the old apartment of her sister and Lilya is forced to move out and become a prostitute to make money. A boy comes along and convinces her to move to Sweden to escape her life. When they arrive, this boy sells her to a pimp and she becomes a teenage sex slave. She almost escapes, but is then captured and beaten almost to death. She escapes again and this time commits suicide so she won't be recaptured. This movie is awful and changed my mind about giving every film a chance. I wish I could forget this film, but I can't. Perhaps it is just not for me, but this film presentation is definitely an experience that you won't soon forget.

The Kite Runner 2007

I read this book in my twenties and saw the film in my thirties and both affected me greatly. A well-to-do boy and his friend are in a kite battle competition and the friend is beaten and raped when he goes to retrieve a fallen kite. The well-to-do boy denies knowing what happened to his friend (he does know) and basically shames and abandons him. This action haunts the well-to-do boy for the rest of his life. How the boy who was raped is basically falling prey to blaming the victim is heartbreaking, and the lifetime of guilt of the other boy is pitiable. Neither boy was the actual attacker yet they both were the ones that suffered.

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There are many other examples of movies along these lines and could be found if you feel like suffering. I can't say that I would recommend them because they are very difficult to watch. Beyond just dealing with the content, it is rare to find child actors who can actually portray somebody who has truly suffered. The mix of bad acting and a depressing plot can make for a terrible movie going experience. The genre of movie involving suffering does exist, though, and it could be enjoyed (?) by some. Just not generally by me.

[gellavonhamster]

ghost stories

Suicide Squad (2016) || characters: El Diablo feat. everyone else || post-canon, sort of a fix-it

ao3 link eng || this was first written and published on ao3 in Russian in 2016 but I didn't attempt to translate it into English back then.  

Harley is the first to see him.

She catches the smell first. Something appears to be burning, and she checks cautiously if there is something wrong with the coffee machine. She doesn’t find anything suspicious – not that the appliances about to flame up smell like that anyway. Could it be that there’s a fire starting? That would be funny, but seems like there’s hardly a chance. It is the smell of a bonfire at the beach, of the fallen leaves being burned in the yards in fall, of a melting candle in the church; weirdly, all this at the same time. A smell that seems too pure for Belle Reve, for Gotham, for everything that makes up her life these days.      

Harley looks around once again – and springs to her feet like she’s been stung.

Chato Santana is standing next to her cage.

“Diablo?” she whispers, unable to believe her eyes. She would’ve thought she’s lost her marbles if there were any left to lose.    

“Harley,” says Diablo, and it’s his voice, his shy, sad smile, his eyes and his tattoos, and Harley squeals in delight as she rushes to him. The bars of the cage are live, so she only dares to stick out the tips of her fingers. He touches them with his hand – certainly alive, certainly not a product of her mind being tortured by boredom and monotony – and she laughs.

“You’re alive, alive, alive! How did you survive? And how did they let you in?”

“It’s a long story. And I don’t think I have much time,” Diablo looks guilty. He’s still holding her hand and looking at her so earnestly it’s almost worrying.  “Harley… don’t go with him.”  

“Huh? What do you mean, honey?”

“He’s coming here. Don’t leave with him, Harley, stay. It sounds strange, but this would really be for the best.”  

“Don’t leave with whom?” she can’t follow him. He gives her a melancholic look – and suddenly disappears. Without any smoke or flames or any other special effects. She can’t wrap her head around how it happened – it’s just that he was here a moment ago, and now there’s no one beside her, and she’s reaching out towards nothing.      

“Diablo?” she calls, and when she gets no answer, she decides to get things straight by asking the guards. What kind of cruel joke is this? Only one person is allowed to joke here, and that person is her. “Hello there! Mister jailer, yoo-hoo! Where’s my friend?”  

No one is in a hurry to respond. Finally, one of the armed-to-the-teeth guards approaches the cage.

“Why are you yelling, lady?”

“Where’s my friend?” Harley asks petulantly. “He was here just now, and we didn’t finish talking. Where did you take him?”  

“There was no one here.”

“What do you mean ‘no one’? I just talked to him!”

The guard examines her from head to foot. Looks like he’s chewing gum, which, combined with his empty apathetic stare, makes him look like a cow.

“Definitely crazy,” he sums up, and leaves. Irritated, Harley forgets to take caution, hits the bars and falls down on the floor right away, writhing in pain.    

“Well, well, well,” she whispers, playing the recent events over in her head. Chato was very much corporeal – not a ghost, then. Yet the guards didn’t notice him, and then he vanished into thin air. Harley thinks about the being Chato transformed into by the end of the battle – an ancient one, as if straight from the walls of some Aztec temple. Could some petty bomb kill such a being? Could the Enchantress’s brother have survived too?  

“I am friends with a god,” she informs the ceiling. “Incredible.”

About an hour later, her Puddin’ comes for her, and she forgets the advice Diablo gave her.  

  Croc sees him on the night of the same day. He knows for sure that it is night thanks to the TV listings – the only reference point for time and days of the week that he has. Not that it was bothering him too much, truth be told. Monday or Sunday, every day in Belle Reve is a carbon copy of the day before. However, Croc doesn’t complain. He has a roof over his head, water, food – even better food than he used to have in the sewers in days gone by – and a TV, and it is honestly not too hard to do without such extras as companionship and fresh experiences. Still, he is glad to see Diablo. Even though first he lunges at him with his fangs bared, because he doesn’t immediately recognize him and supposes that Waller and company are sick of feeding him and decided to kill him. Or to put someone else in his quarters, which would have been no less audacious.        

“Croc, it’s me,” Diablo hastens to say, and lights up a flame over his left palm – so unusual and out of place in the dampness of Croc’s cell. Croc freezes and watches the flame for some seconds. That must really be Diablo; there are hardly many people in the world capable of such tricks.

“Hey, man,” Croc says. “Whatcha doing here?”

“Just checking up on you.”

Well, that must definitely be Diablo. Croc knows that there are hardly many people in the world who’d care to check up on him, but that sounds like something El Diablo would do. Back then, during the mission, he was friendly, asked “You okay?” after each skirmish, and could clap him on the shoulder without shuddering. And there are definitely even less people in the world that would touch him willingly.      

“Did they just let you in like that?” wonders Croc. Diablo gives him a slight smile.

“They don’t know I’m here.”

“So you’re, like, a ghost?” Croc asks. It occurred to him from the very beginning, but it sounds particularly joyless when said out loud.

Diablo gestures vaguely. “I’m still figuring it out myself, to be honest.”

“Hmm,” Croc glances over his cell. A bag of food on the cot catches his eye. “You want a burger?”

“Nah, I’m good. Save it for yourself.”

“They’ll bring more today, I’m telling ya.”  

“Then I want one.”

“Then you’re not a ghost,” grins Croc, and the fact that Diablo doesn’t flinch or try to look away also proves that this is the real Chato Santana, because most people don’t like seeing Croc smile.

And so he and Diablo, who kind of is a ghost but kind of isn’t, sit there eating burgers and watching some crap on MTV. Life has taught Croc not to be surprised by anything, so everything’s fine.  

“So what happened after the bomb went off?” Croc asks. Diablo opens his mouth, and then closes it again, apparently at a loss how to explain.

“I was smoke,” he speaks finally. “Then I was flames. Then I became myself again.”

“I see,” Croc replies, although, of course, he can’t see shit.

“Who are you talking to?” comes the guard’s voice from behind the door. “Hey, scum!”

Croc puts the burger aside.

“Wait a bit,” he tells Chato, gets up, and heads for the door.

When he comes to the bean hole, the guard already looks like he regrets calling him.  

“No one,” Crock smiles as widely as only he can, and the guard, who isn’t among the people able to watch him smile without blinking an eye, steps back reflexively. “But come inside, and I’ll talk to you if you wanna. How about that?”   

When he turns around, Chato has already disappeared, and Croc could have assumed he has dreamed it all, but there are two half-eaten burgers on the cot, not one.

  Digger sees him next, and he isn’t even amazed. The bastards keep drugging him with all sorts of shit to calm him down. Usually after the shot he just lies there, feverish, and can’t even move, let alone stand up, but who knows, perhaps they’re testing some new poison on him. Or they’ve started using something stronger because they noticed that a couple of hours after the usual stuff he’s already able to yell, bang at the door, and do everything he can to get the best of them while cooped up inside. Or it’s simply that there’s already so much of this shit in his blood that it’s impossible not to have any screws loose, try as he might to keep them in place. In any case, he’s not exactly shocked when, as he tosses and turns on the floor after another injection, he turns his head and sees El Diablo, large as life and twice as ugly.

“Fuck me sideways,” Digger says. He doesn’t have any energy to be mad yet. “I must be tripping.”

“You’re not tripping,” Diablo objects.

“You died. So I must be.”  

“I didn’t die either.”

Diablo sits down cross-legged on the floor next to him.

“Has it crossed your mind that if you stop getting on their nerves, they might start treating you better?” he asks.

“Go to hell.”

“Message received.”

There’s a footfall outside; a whole bunch of people must be running somewhere.

“They’ve turned the entire joint upside down,” says Digger, because it’s been ages since he has spoken to anyone who’d at least pretend to listen, so a hallucination will do. “Blondie escaped.”  

“I know,” Diablo replies gloomily. “I tried to warn her not to go with the Joker, but she didn’t listen to me.”  

“Why warn her?” Digger asks. Harley Quinn is no bosom friend of his, but she kind of tore out the heart of the witch who kind of tried to end the world, and anyway, teammates probably should take interest in each other’s lives. Probably. He’s never really made sense of that teamwork stuff. “What’s he gonna do to her?”    

“At best, what he always does.”

Two tiny figures of fire appear on Diablo’s open palm – a man and a woman. The man backhands the woman across her face, and she falls down. Digger watches the dancing flames with fascination, and meanwhile in his head, bit by bit, stroke by stroke, a plan starts to take shape. He wouldn’t be Captain motherfucking Boomerang if he fails to use any opportunity that turns up – even a ghost of one. 

“Listen, mate,” he begins cajolingly. “If you’re really here and it’s not just me tripping… help an old friend out, won’t you? I’m fed up with being stuck here, you know.”

“I’m not gonna help you escape,” Diablo says calmly. “How do you imagine that would even happen?”

“Can’t you just burn the entire Belle Reve to the bloody ground?”

Diablo smiles.

“I can,” he admits. “But I won’t.”

The next thing he knows, the son of a bitch is gone without a trace. Anger and offence must be giving Digger strength, because he manages to leap to his feet. Like a lunatic, he thrashes around the cell, looking for at least some kind of proof that someone else was here a moment ago.  

“Oi!” he shouts, knowing damn well that the guards have long stopped listening to what he has to say. “Grab the devil! A convict escaped! Hey, wankers!”  

But he’s feeling lightheaded, and this shit must be really strong, and he collapses, badly hitting his head.  

  Tatsu sees him next – late at night, in her apartment. She’s a light sleeper, and wakes up as soon as she hears footsteps. The sword is close at hand, and she grabs it instantly, blade swishing through the air.  

“Who’s there?” Tatsu asks, and then repeats in English. “Who’s there?”

There is nowhere to hide in her bedroom. The only furniture is the mattress and the pair of chairs she uses to hang her clothes on. Everything is on the floor or on the windowsill – weapons, her laptop, the book she tried to read before going to sleep but could not concentrate on. It is an ascetic, comfortless dwelling that does not look permanent and is not supposed to become so. Fate and Amanda Waller, though, seem to have other plans in this respect.  

There is nowhere to hide in her bedroom – but someone’s definitely walking in the antechamber; she flings the door open – and sees El Diablo, standing by the entrance and looking around. In a blink of an eye Tatsu is next to him, and the blade of the Soultaker is pressed to his neck.  

“Katana, it’s me,” Diablo says, unfazed. “Chato Santana.”

“Chato Santana is dead,” she says through her teeth. Chato Santana was a gangster who killed, albeit by a tragic accident, his own family – but she fought side by side with him, he sacrificed himself to save the world, he called their squad his family and died for them. That is enough for her not to let anyone use his name as a cover. “Who are you?”    

“I’m alive,” Diablo replies. He puts his hands up to show he’s unarmed, and forks of flame appear on his palms. “Or sort of.”  

Sort of.

Tatsu lowers the sword and looks warily at the man standing in front of her.

“How did you…”

“You’re gonna have a new mission soon. Demand that Waller tells you everything.”

“About what?”

“I couldn’t overhear that,” he says with regret. “But…”

Something knocks on the window. Tatsu turns around quickly, but that must’ve been just a tree branch hitting the windowpane. When she turns back to Chato, he’s already gone, and her apartment is silent.

It’s just four in the morning, but she can’t make herself fall asleep again. Having poured a cup of tea, Tatsu sits down on the mattress and thinks, think, thinks about what just happened. Tatsu believes in ghosts – her sword is teeming with them, so she wouldn’t say that her worldview is shaken. Still, this is strange, very strange. What did he want to tell her? Why did he disappear so abruptly? Like… a broadcast was interrupted.    

Colonel Flag calls her at daybreak and tells her that there’s a shoot-out between two gangs on the outskirts of Gotham, with metahumans on both sides. When Tatsu arrives at Belle Reve, it turns out they must have considered it to be not enough to ruin her Saturday morning, because she is asked – more like ordered, actually – to escort an inmate from his cell, an inmate who attacks anyone who tries to enter and has already injured three guards with his bare hands, and it’s not reasonable to sedate him before the mission, and “he’s likely to obey if it’s you, Katana” – the last is Rick’s argument, and if he told that to her face and not on the phone, she would have had to strain every nerve not to hit him with something.    

No one tries to attack her when she enters the cell of Captain Boomerang – Harkness is sitting on the floor quite still, his arms around his knees, and when he notices her, he even smiles with bruised lips.  

“Hello, gorgeous,” he says. “Am I hallucinating you too?”

“No,” the question is unexpected and confuses her. “Why?”

“Well, they keep injecting me some crap, and lately I’ve been seeing things,” Harkness explains peacefully, even eagerly. His voice is quiet and hoarse, which, combined with his Australian accent, leads to Tatsu being barely able to make out half of what he’s saying. To hear him better, she crouches down next to him, still gripping the sword hilt – there is no telling if he isn’t just making her come closer to take her down and bolt. “Saw the devil yesterday.”      

“The devil?”

“Our devil. Día… de fucking Muertos. Chato Santana.”

Tatsu gives a shiver and, having lost her balance, half sits down, half falls on the dirty floor.

She isn’t the only one to have seen him. She isn’t the only one he wanted to send a message to.

“Hey, luv,” Harkness frowns and reaches out to touch her knee lightly. “You all right?”  

“Same as you, more or less,” she wants to reply, which of course would mean she isn’t, not at all.

“What did he tell you?” she asks him instead.

  When Floyd sees him, he is hardly surprised, since the others have already warned him. Boomerang, Croc, and Katana tell him everything while they’re waiting for the helo, and had it been just Boomerang, who believes inexplicably that he has a sense of humour although he certainly doesn’t, Floyd most likely wouldn’t have believed his ghost stories, but it is even harder to believe that Croc, let alone Katana would agree to take part in such pranks. Which is why he listens to them closely and takes note: okay, then he doesn’t have to worry about his mental heath if the late Santana suddenly appears out of nowhere to give some advice or share some news or simply ask how he’s doing. So the four of them keep whispering to one another like kids at the back of the class until their transport arrives – just the four of them, which is a pity. If there is anyone on the team that he had missed a little, it’s Harley. Floyd knows some things about the Joker, for it isn’t possible, as they write in the papers, to belong to the criminal world of Gotham and not know anything about the Joker. Floyd knows what Flag had spilled to him when visiting him in his cell or escorting him there after a visit to Zoe. Floyd thinks that in his entire lifetime he hasn’t understood a thing about love – is it even possible to understand it, on the other hand? – but he feels like the mad and brilliant Harley, Harley the whimsical, Harley the loving deserves better.                

“What’s with the gossiping?” Flag inquires suspiciously.  

“Nothing!” Croc and Digger answer in unison, in unison, and Floyd facepalms because seriously, are they in some cheesy movie or what? They don’t tell Flag anything yet, but Floyd is almost sure that sooner or later Santana will visit him as well, because Flag is one of them too, after all. Not that he’s even trying to deny it; no one’s making him drop by Floyd’s cell every other day to chat about some nonsense through the steel door.          

So Floyd is hardly surprised when, as he makes his way behind the dumpsters loading one gun after another, he notices a familiar, head-to-toe-tattooed figure standing nearby.  

“There are snipers on the roof over there and around the corner of the shop,” Chato says instead of greeting. Floyd nods.

“I noticed.”

“Eight men in the drugstore on the other side of the street. Each with a machine gun.”  

“How do you know?”

“I’ve just been there.”

“Got it,” there’s no time for lengthy conversations. No time to say: glad you’re alive, man. No time to ascertain: are you alive, though? So he thinks over the plan of action, making a mental note to ask all these questions later, when there are no bullets whistling past their ears.  

People like them deserve no guardian angels, frankly speaking, but they may have managed to earn one for all of them.

[testudoaubrei-blog]

TL/DR - Catra is a uniquely complex and compelling character who has -so much going on- compared with most characters in any medium. Her character arc is psychologically astute, morally powerful and dramatically compelling, and it pushes the boundaries of the audiences sympathies in ways that are really groundbreaking for a kids show, and her arcs conclusion celebrates love, growth, and the power to change in a way that is all too rare in TV for grown ups.

Content note for mentions of suicidal ideation and self harm.

Well, now that the summary is out of the way, here’s a massive fucking dissertation on why Catra is such a great character.

This is the first of a series of posts outlining things that make She Ra a truly great show, one that stands out even 15 years into a golden age of TV animation for kids. This isn’t going to be a comprehensive account for why the show is great - the real answer is that this show has so many arcs and so many fully realized characters and they are all growing and changing in ways that interact with each other and complement each other so well. But I’m going to highlight some particular standouts, things that this show does better than anything else, things that made me step back and say ‘holy shit they did this in a show pitched at 10 year olds?!’

And so the first of these posts is about Catra. I’ve never seen a character in a kids TV show like Catra before. Depending on the season, she’s an anti-villain, an outright villain and an anti-hero and then, in the end, a hero. Being glib, I describe her in villain mode as a Saturday morning cartoon Supervillain as written by like, Dostoevsky. She’s got the trappings of classic villain camp - long speeches, sneering, over-complicated plans, she’s oddly ineffectual at times etc/ Yet all of this is underlaid and justified by something much deeper - her feelings of rejection, her desire to lash out at everyone around her, at her self-hatred and hatred of everyone and everything else (at least by Season 4. Good God.) And her actions are as dark as her motivations - she nearly destroys reality out of spite, betrays literally everyone who cares about her (often multiple times) and isolates herself so completely that in the season 4 finale she is a solitary, suicidal wreck of a person. Hell, in her last fight with Hordak, I was definitely rooting for Hordak (to say nothing of Glimmer, who is a pretty impressive antiheroine, like if Sparkles had just blasted her into glittery oblivion would we have held it against her?).

Let's start by discussing trauma. It comes up a lot with Catra for obvious and good reasons. But I almost feel like that word is insufficient for what's going on with Catra, or at least, we shouldn't stop with it (I know there are terms like complex trauma, but rather than simply using those I want to explain the difference between Catra’s consistent abuse and a single traumatic event). To use another example from a different show, Korra was also traumatized in season 4. But she was traumatized by a series of an events when she was a young adult. She had something horrible happen to her, and it fucked her up, and then she had exposure therapy with Zaheer and at least starts to get better. Catra...Catra is much more consistently abused. It's not just that shadow weaver traumatized her with the various acts of torture, but that Shadow Weaver taught Catra both an explicit worldview and a series of coping mechanisms that she struggles with through young adulthood. First, Shadow Weaver trained Catra to seek her approval. This is something she is particularly vulnerable to with Shadow Weaver, but also what she does with Hordak and to a extent Double Trouble. Catra's instinct when people mistreat her or show that they aren't trustworthy is to invest further in the relationship, until the breaking point. By contrast, when people treat her well Catra lashes out or takes them for granted. This is uh…a dymamic I am acquainted with among people who have been abused as kids, people whom I love. It is pretty rough.

She also developed a desire to prove herself. This starts off being tied to her drive for approval, but combined with her competitive streak (which is expressed in both healthy and unhealthy ways with Adora) it turns into a desire to beat Shadow Weaver and then Hordak at their own game.

At the same time, Catra learned by always being blamed for everything to evade and deny responsibility, no matter what. I think this form of self reassurance is tied to her self doubt (I think at some level she does think she is worthless) and her self hatred. It is also enabled by Adora’s martyr complex and willingness even act as Catra’s punching bag (as we see in the flashback in Corridors). This is a dynamic that actually repeats in an even worse fashion with Scorpia. Far from being arrogant, her constant evasions, put downs against others and preening speeches sound like the words of a woman who is trying to convince herself most of all. This tendency borders on narcissistic self delusion by season 3-4, which she begins recounting her version of events and possibly believing it even when it is obviously false, and everyone knows it.

When it comes to worldviews, Shadow Weaver taught Catra that love is about control and manipulation. We see this in seasons 1-3 where she congratulates herself for manipulating Adora when all she has done is take advantage of Adora's lingering love for her. Meanwhile, she’s learned that power is her only protection, and that the only way to stay on top is to abuse those beneath her.

The final kind of static tendency in Catra is her identity in the horde and her view of herself as one of the bad guys. This is something she rarely articulates but underlies much of her her decision to stay and not join Adora (at least at first). I think one thing to consider is that even if Catra never believed horde propaganda, it may have made her cynical and unwilling to imagine something better for herself or the world. Another factor is having struggled to belong in the horde for so long, she isn't going to give up now. At first this ties into her desire to win the approval of shadow weaver and Hordak, then it comes from her desire to prove herself better than them. Another factor is her self hatred. She sees herself as someone who hurts people, perhaps as a monster. She sees herself as a bad guy and so team evil is her side.

So yeah, our girl is kinda fucked up.

And yet Catra is never reduced to the sum of her traumas and bad habits. At every step of the way she is shown as a moral agent. She is shaped by shadow Weaver's abuse but she remains aware of and responsible for her actions. This is a double edged sword. She is fully responsible for her actions, but also she is never shown as broken by abuse or mental illness. She’s fully responsible, but by the same token is also redeemable, because she still has a choice.

So with that our of the way, let's go to Catra's arc.

I’m not going to recite everything terrible Catra does because I’m still on my first complete rewatch and I honestly find it hard to list it all. It’s a lot. So let’s talk about her shifting motivations. Early on, we see her desire for approval and recognition motivating her in ways that are so easy to sympathize with - she’s been told she’s worthless for years, and she wants to be worth something. We see how much she’s been scarred by Shadow Weavers abuse and by the ruthlessness and callousness of the Horde, and can sympathize with her desire to survive and advance since her own position is so untenable. We also see how, at first, she wants to be reunited with Adora. Her first huge turn into much darker territory is Promises, when she tries to kill Adora in order to permanently sever her connection with her own life and eliminate a possible rival for advancement (should Adora ever return). She’s told herself that she doesn’t want Adora back, and at least partly means it. Yet we still show her care for Scorpia and Entrapta and even Shadow Weaver in Season 2. It’s when Catra realizes that Shadow Weaver has chosen Adora over her once again that she takes her darkest turn. It’s not just that she destroys reality out of spite, it’s that she rejects her chance for a better and happier life, betrays every friend she has and focuses single-mindedly on hurting Adora (and arguably herself) and then on surviving when her attempt fails. Then Catra spends an entire season both fully inhabiting her role as a villain (and not a sympathetic one - really only our history with her leaves us sympathetic) and being utterly self-destructive and miserable. At the end, as mentioned, she’s a broken, suicidal wreck who has destroyed everything she’s strived for. If this was an HBO drama, we’d roll credits here and she’d go down as another self-destructive antihero. It would perhaps be too much to call her ‘Walter White as a catgirl’, but still. Of course, her story doesn’t end there.

Something that is incredibly dark that is happening in step with this is Catra’s hardening of herself, indeed, her dehumanization of herself. We see her struggle with her natural compassion, her kindness, her need for connection, her desire for happiness, and we see her ignore it all, stamp it down and nearly snuff it out. This is a huge factor in her descent into becoming a real villain (no ‘anti’ qualifiers needed). Every step of her descent is a struggle for Catra - not going with Adora in the second part of ‘The Sword’, trying to kill Adora in ‘Promise’, going back to the Horde, betraying Entrapta, lying about Entrapta, threatening Scorpia, destroying the world - but she always chooses evil. And with every step she becomes more isolated, more callous, and more cruel. Her default reaction becomes not just bravado and mockery and insolence, but threats, bullying and intimidation, until her management style is identical to Hordak’s, and indeed, is quite a bit worse. Catra starts off fighting for Hordak and Shadow Weaver’s approval and struggling to survive, and ends up cackling maniacally at her brutal and murderous conquests. She has very deliberately turned herself into a cruel conqueror, and a tyrant. This self-dehumanization is a huge part of evil in the world, I think, and it’s really powerful to see it so clearly in a kids show.

Meanwhile her insistence on evading all responsibility finally results in a self-serving, self-protective narrative that insulates her from responsibility or self-examination but also cuts her off from reality and other people. It’s always a bit unclear to what extent her various untruths (about Adora leaving her, about Shadow Weaver’s escape and her concealment of it not being her fault, about Entrapta betraying Hordak) are things she believes, lies she is telling to have power over others (mostly Scorpia) or things that she doesn’t quite believe but is trying to convince herself of. It’s probably all of these at various times, and in different degrees for each lie. The end result is that Catra is even more alone, because only she inhabits the safe cocoon of lies she’s built around herself. It also is the key to her and the Horde’s downfall - Catra is so isolated and in such denial that she can’t see how thin her forces are spread, and this crack shows up even in episode 1 of Season 4, with her insistence that the Princess Alliance is in shambles (when, in fact, it’s already rebounding, and proves more resilient than she allows herself to believe, and is led by a woman as ruthless and determined as herself). This part of Catra’s arc brilliantly shows how deception (of yourself and others) can feel protective by keeping shame at bay, but ultimately is destructive and strips someone of so much of the intellectual and moral qualities that we call ‘human.’ It’s also chilling to see since we’ve seen the end game of this mentality play out in US national politics, at the highest level.

I said at the opening that we’ve never seen a sympathetic character like Catra in a kids show. What about Zuko? I would argue that Zuko is never a cruel, or as callous, or as self-destructive as Catra is at her worst. Zuko is motivated by a desire for recognition from his abusive father (much like Catra is initially motivated by desire for recognition from Hordak and Shadow Weaver, and indeed Adora), and perhaps a desire to belong in the Fire Nation. All of this gets wrapped together in his ‘Honor’. He’s a young man with a very weak sense of what he truly believes, instead relying on external guides to what he should do. He’s also incredibly self-involved, and initially indifferent to anyone’s pain but his own and anyone’s needs but his own need to restore his honor. Uncle Iroh is there throughout to push Zuko both to see the needs of others and to become his own person. Zuko’s redemption arc, then, is a twofold quest to recognize other people and to find his own moral center and act from it. This is a pretty powerful coming of age story in that it is about him becoming his own person and throwing off the shackles of his upbringing. Politically, it’s a powerful story of a young man taking responsibility for his own actions in an authoritarian regime and refusing to participate in its imperialism any more and to embrace a new way forward both for himself and his nation. At the same time, in some ways it is easy to sympathize with Zuko because his greatest crimes are those of weakness - he’s not strong enough to stand up to his nation and his family until midway through the last season. Catra though...Catra does what she does, eventually, because she wants to hurt people. She’s cruel, and spiteful, and destructive in ways that are truly scary and which prevent any excuse or mitigation.

Which brings up the other comparison - Azula. But while Azula is (somewhat inconsistently) shown either as a monstrous child sociopath or a traumatized and broken child who can’t help it (and thus, perversely, as not a moral agent but something like a monster), Catra is consistently shown as a moral agent. Catra chooses her own path, every step of the way. She has so many chances to do something else - Adora’s offers to leave together in the two-part series opener, Promises, Scorpia’s suggestion that they dessert the Horde and become desert gang leaders, etc - and until season 5, she turns them all down. While Azula seems destined for evil and madness, with Catra we see a young woman very deliberately walk down the path into unmitigated evil with both eyes open. And then we see it destroy her.

And after she is basically destroyed, we see her build herself back. This process actually starts in Season 4 with the creeping realization that even when she is winning she is miserable and alone. She doesn’t even notice Scorpia is gone for several episodes, then she completely loses it. She spends the entire time when she is at her most triumphant isolated and raging and borderline incoherent, as ineffectual as she accuses Hordak of being. She’s won, and she’s alone, and she’s the most unhappy she has ever been, and I think for the first time she realizes that. And that’s the worst blow to her, even before all the external things come crashing down. She’s already miserable before Double Trouble and Glimmer deal her a triple coup de grace of destroying all her armies*, turning her and Hordak against each other and then Double Trouble’s epic evisceration. By the time Glimmer shows up, Catra is, as mentioned, literally suicidal. But she’s also already begun the process of changing in that she knows that she has a problem (her, and her self/other-destructive tendencies). Moreover, she knows, at some level, that what she really wants isn’t conquest, or to prove herself as the baddest leader of the Horde, but love - and she’s seen how she’s squandered that at every opportunity.

Let’s just pause for a moment to observe how much better Glimmer is at villainous machinations than Catra. In a couple episodes she makes a faustian bargain for unlimited power, kills all her enemies armies, sets her two chief foes at each other’s throats and literally cripples one while rendering the other helpless. And given her ironic non-answer about hurting Catra (‘we’re the good guys, remember?’ and the fact that she’d tried to kill Catra twice before**, she walked into Hordak’s sanctum fully intending to end Catra’s life, one way or another. She does all this through ruthlessness, recklessness and treachery, and she could give like, a TED talk on villainy. Of course it also blows up in her face and is actually way worse than the portal did in Catra’s, endangering the whole universe (I always assumed that the portal only threatened Despondos), dooming Etheria to invasion and all that. Of course, Catra pulled that switch and then fought Adora knowing that the world was ending, while Glimmer was just ignoring warnings from...just about everyone, including Shadow Weaver. So yeah, Glimmer, best kids show antihero since Princess Bubblegum***(unless we’re counting Catra as an antihero, which works for the first half of season 5).

Anyway, at the beginning of Season 5 Catra is adrift. Though some interpretations, like TV tropes, see her as immediately falling back into old habits and casting her lot in with Prime, I see her actions from the end of Season 4 onwards as more ambivalent. She seems to be kind of...going through the motions. She doesn’t have any of the drive or passion in her plotting that she once did, she seems to be maneuvering into Prime’s good graces out of habit. At best she’s back in the survival mode of early season 1, but without the ambition and desire to prove herself that motivated her. Some interpretations put a lot of stock in Prime being someone that can’t be bargained with or appeased, but...I don’t buy it. I take him, to an extent, at his word when he says that he was ‘exalt’ Catra (I am sure it is something awful). Catra actually gets what she wants halfway through “Corridors.” Only it’s not what she wants. She’s done jockeying for advantage, especially in a world where she truly would be alone because all she has is this psychopathic narcissist and his clones for company. She wants connection. She wants to do what is right. She’s suppressed all her humanity (felinitity? Anyway) for years and it’s made her miserable, and now she’s ready to embrace it. At the same time she confronts her own culpability, seeing just how much harm she’s done and admitting it for the first time. Her first lifeline is Glimmer, the only person she can actually talk to, the only other Etherian, the woman whose mother she doomed and who has nearly killed her three times. But Glimmer is also going through her own dark night of the soul - Glimmer and Catra’s character arcs were converging at the same time that Catra’s and Adoras and Glimmer’s and Adora’s were diverging. And they come together on either side of that forcefield, just talking and being people in an environment that is designed to be as dehumanizing as possible. Even this barest lifeline is enough for Catra to hold on to for dear life, and enough to inspire her to not just feel bad about the bad things she’s done, but do something good.

But the first way she does this is a cop out. Her plan, like Shadow Weaver’s in the finale, is to sacrifice/kill herself doing ‘one good thing.’ That way she doesn’t have to figure out how to live with the consequences of her actions, face the possible rejection of the people she loves whom she’s wronged, and do the hard work of building herself back up as a better person. She gets to die a hero rather than live as a villain. That said, unlike Shadow Weaver she does at least get off one apology, and it makes all the difference.

Then Adora fucks Catra’s sacrifice up, in glorious, space operatic, gay AF pulp fiction fashion, by saving the cat. Catra is mind controlled or unconscious for most of this episode, but what she does do is so crucial. When Adora comes for her, she reaches out to her, as soon as she is able. She doesn’t push her away, she takes Adora’s help, and her love, and Adora does the rest in badass fashion. The next few episodes plus the so perfect its canon Don’t Go are my favorite part of Catra’s entire arc.

She nearly falls back into her old habits, at least partly. Now that she has to live with what she’s done rather than just dying for it she just wants to run away again. But when she has to choose between losing Adora all over again and confronting herself and her past, she chooses Adora, and asks her to stay.

Catra then spends the rest of Season 5 slowly easing herself into the very human world of the Princess Alliance - the comaradery, the dedication to others and a cause, the goofiness. I’m going to talk a lot more about her relationship with Adora in my Catradora post, but I do want to highlight three moments.

The first is Catra running away again. This is actually a big change from what she’s done before - she’s not leaving because she’s angry, or bitter, or spiteful, she’s leaving because she doesn’t want to see the woman she loves sacrifice herself yet again (maybe this time for good) after being manipulated by the woman who had abused them both. But then she comes back. And then she confronts her abuser in a way that she has never done before - for the first time in the series, she not only calls Shadow Weaver out but calls her to do the right thing, and doesn’t give up until she does (this is after Adora also calls SW out and cuts her off forever, meaning that her two charges have finally called her on her bullshit and chosen each other over her, more in my Shadow Weaver Rant...and I guess my Catradora rant).

Then, at the end, Catra both stays with Adora through her potentially fatal harnessing of the Heart of Etheria and then her comes in and rescues her by challenging her to do something for Catra and for herself. Not to be with Catra, or to kiss her, or love her, but just stay for her. Needless to say, Adora responds far more enthusiastically than Catra had dared hope. (more on this in my Catradora rant).

Catra starts the show convinced she doesn’t need anyone except Adora, and she’s willing to even push Adora away if she can’t have Adora on her own terms. She goes down that path - ambition, manipulation, treachery, cruelty and isolation - until she has nothing left. She then slowly, painfully, turns around and reaches out and begins to heal the pain in Etheria and the universe rather than causing more. This is a psychological journey in many ways, but even more than that it is a profoundly moral one. It is a story of her accepting responsibility for her actions, facing reality, reaching out to others and making amends. It is in every sense a redemption. And while it works perfectly with Adora’s own development into her own, fuller, happier, healthier person, it works not because of Adora or the power of love, but because of Catra herself. Adora’s companionship, Adora’s rescuing of her and holding her to account, all of these are necessary for Catra to change for the better. But in the end it is Catra herself who chooses the right path, maybe for the first time in her life. And that’s what makes the romance work in turn - Catra is motivated to change not simply by a desire to impress her girlfriend or by Adora’s shining goodness (to the contrary, Adora’s a healthier and less self-sacrificing person at least in the finale...she comes around later than Catra) but by her desire to be true to herself and seek out what she really needs and wants - which is love, and connection, and to do good rather than evil. It’s a gorgeous story that takes an antihero all the way down to hell and then back again, and this makes it a truly unique redemption arc in all of kids TV - not just because of how far Catra falls, but how far she travels overall.

*(I know a lot of fanficcers talk about there being a lot of Horde Soldiers left but like...in the show...they’re nearly all dead, guys. Glimmer and company...okay mostly Mermista... just about killed them all in an afternoon. The cadet Triad survives because they deserted and weren’t there to get drowned/frozen/suffocated by plants when the grand invasion of Brightmoon went sideways)

**Okay, once she was only an accessory to Shadow Weaver’s attempted murder of Catra, the other time she leaves Catra for dead in ‘Pulse’

***I stan PB so hard guys. So hard. Machiavellian genius, mad scientist, god figure, possible Nietzschean Ubermensch? She’s so great. So great.

[littlemixnet]

Little Mix on what it takes to survive being the most bullied band in pop

Still teenagers when they were catapulted to fame, superstardom came at a price for Little Mix. They open up to Francesca Babb about the soaring highs and crashing lows of the past nine years. It is the end of our YOU cover shoot, and I am facing the lesser-spotted sight of a barefaced Little Mix. Wet wipes swipe back and forth across their faces and, as the foundation departs in a deluge of coffee-coloured tissues, Jesy Nelson and Leigh-Anne Pinnock, both 29, and Jade Thirlwall and Perrie Edwards, both 27, visibly relax into their tracksuits and boyfriend jeans, shoulders dropping as they settle into themselves. I’m so used to seeing them contoured and camera ready that I assumed full glamour was their happy place. But perhaps the real Little Mix are not the war-paint-and-leotard-clad pop stars we’ve spent almost ten years watching grow up, but rather the four women they have become behind the glare of the spotlight. It’s those four women that I’m intrigued to meet. Since winning The X Factor nine years ago, there have been highs – selling over 50 million records globally, a significant percentage of which were self-penned, and creating enough accompanying make-up lines and merchandise to keep them and their families comfortable for the foreseeable future (recent reports suggest they have earned a combined £28.5 million to date). But there have also been lows – perpetual picking apart by both the public and the press, bullying and vitriol from online trolls. The most extreme cases of which led Jesy to attempt suicide during Little Mix’s early days in 2013 (she regards a tweet from the controversial Katie Hopkins – ‘Packet Mix have still got a chubber in their ranks. Less Little Mix. More Pick n Mix’ – as the ‘pinnacle point’ for her depression) and pushed Perrie into an ongoing struggle with anxiety. Fame has changed them. In some ways they are still youthful and silly – dropping phrases into conversation that wouldn’t be out of place in a playground – yet, in others, they are wise beyond their years, diving headfirst into battles on feminism, race and mental health. They’re fun enough to be light relief, smart enough to inspire a generation struggling with the pressures of youth and social media even before a pandemic was thrown at them, and ballsy enough to leave Simon Cowell’s record label because they didn’t feel he had their best interests at heart. ‘It’s never really been a cruise, has it?’ Jade ponders, a copy of social activist Bell Hooks’ 2002 feminist theory Communion: The Female Search For Love in her hand (not for show, I might add; when I ask her about it, she is well versed in its content). ‘It’s either been a really big high, or a really big low.’ Jesy, who has found herself the target of some of the cruelest contempt from the world outside Little Mix, agrees: ‘Some of the best times, some of the worst times.’ Comments on her weight, her looks, her place in the band, comments that she should take her own life, all led her into a deep depression and the aforementioned suicide attempt. Her documentary last year, Jesy Nelson: Odd One Out, revealed her journey through it all and, while harrowing, it is essential viewing on the realities of growing up in a world dominated by social media. ‘Before we got in the group, I never looked at myself and thought, “I don’t like that” – I don’t think any of us did. I never thought, “Oh god, I’m fat”, and then we got in the industry, and we all started wanting to change things about ourselves. It’s so sad. There are things [in the past] I definitely wish I hadn’t done,’ she says, referring to the suicide attempt, in which she took an overdose after a two-year battle with depression and an eating disorder. ‘But would I be the person I am today if I hadn’t gone through all of that?’ ‘There was a time when it was worse than it is now,’ adds Leigh-Anne, who has increasingly used her own Instagram channel to vocalise her experience of racism, both overt and underlying, throughout her time in the band. ‘I guess we’re taking steps forward, but I fear for my [future] daughters…’ ‘It makes me not want to have a kid,’ agrees Jesy. ‘Those insecurities that we all have now because of social media, imagine having that embedded in you as a child?’ Before you write them off as four very lucky girls ungratefully complaining about a lifestyle so many dream of, I should point out that they are fully aware of the paradox of their privilege. I suppose the point is, it’s not too much to ask to not be bullied to the point of hospitalisation as a by-product, is it? ‘Little Mix has changed our lives for the better, and our families’ lives, and we have achieved so much,’ says Perrie. ‘Don’t get me wrong,’ agrees Jesy (a warning I will hear repeatedly throughout our hour together, perhaps thanks to almost a decade of their quotes being blasted out of context for click-bait). ‘I’m not going to sit here and say we’ve got a terrible life, because we haven’t, but I do think our innocence was taken from us.’ It’s a while since the girls last did any press. Lockdown saw a halt to any activity they had planned, including the launch of their new talent show, BBC1’s Little Mix: The Search (in which they, well, search for a new band to mentor and join them on tour). But the time apart has not diminished their ability to finish each other’s sentences and jump to each other’s aid. It has, it seems, been really rather good for them and allowed them to come back fired up for the release of their sixth album, Confetti, which came out this week. ‘It was needed,’ agrees Jesy. ‘We’re never not with each other and we’re always busy. Our mornings start early, we finish really late.’ Being at home has meant more time spent with their families, with Jade even starting her own show on MTV with her mum Norma. Called Served!, the self-filmed series saw the pair interview celebrity drag queens and challenge each other to cooking competitions. ‘I love drag culture,’ she says, ‘and me mam was by herself in lockdown, so I thought it’d be something nice to keep her entertained.’ ‘Your mum could be on Loose Women,’ Leigh-Anne muses. ‘Imagine our mams on a show!’ shrieks Jade. ‘Nobody else would get a word in edgeways with my mam,’ laughs Perrie. ‘Ooh, when Debbie goes off on Twitter,’ says Jade, of Perrie’s mum’s habit of weighing in on comments from haters. ‘My mam will text me, have you seen Debbie’s been going off on someone!’ It is interesting that all four talk frequently about their mums throughout our chat, and yet there is no mention of fathers. While their mums often appear on Instagram, a sighting of Perrie’s dad on her 23rd birthday was extremely rare. Perhaps the Little Mix dads’ absence in the narrative is because the four girls were predominantly raised by their mothers (all of their parents separated when they were younger), and another reason the group’s bond is so tight. Little Mix are each other’s wall of arms, their own personal bodyguards. Jesy, they unanimously agree, is Scary Mix (although I find her a delight), which is interesting given her own inability to bat off other people’s words. ‘When it’s you on your own dealing with something personally,’ Jesy says, ‘It’s completely different. You feel so vulnerable alone, but we are a force when we’re together.’ It’s not hard to see, in today’s social-media obsessed society where there is little retribution for cruelty, why four attractive, successful young women, with attractive, successful young boyfriends (two footballers – Perrie dates Liverpool’s Alex Oxlade-Chamberlain, Leigh-Anne is engaged to Watford’s Andre Gray – while Jade is with Rizzle Kicks singer Jordan Stephens and Jesy is going out with Our Girl actor Sean Sagar), who seem to be living a dream life have found themselves at the heart of a whirlwind of vitriol. There was the infamous spat with Piers Morgan, in which he mocked them for posing naked but for the insults that have been hurled at them painted on their bodies. He accused them of using sex to sell records and called them ‘foul-mouthed, talentless, clothes-allergic little dimwits’, which is not how I find them to be. ‘I take Piers with a pinch of salt,’ Jesy says, rolling her eyes. ‘He does it to cause drama, so I take no notice. When we won The X Factor, we didn’t look like a generic girl band: we’re all different shapes and sizes, we didn’t dress sexy, so immediately everyone was, “What’s this?”’ ‘Usually, when you see a girl band, they’re perfection, they have six-packs – and we didn’t,’ continues Jesy. ‘People saw us as kids, so even though we’re now women, people still think of us that way, so when we come out on stage in leotards, they think, “That’s disgusting!”’ ‘One Direction didn’t get the s**t we get, because they’re men,’ states Leigh-Anne. ‘It’s like, “They’re four girls, let’s come at them”. As soon as it’s girls, they think, “Oh you slag.”’ ‘When it’s men, it’s celebrated, but the minute women sexualise themselves and feel powerful doing it, we’re told to rein it in,’ adds Jade. ‘We’re conditioned to think that women are there to be these innocent and pure beings and the minute you step out of that, it’s carnage.’ Little Mix, however, are not scared of embracing that carnage and of sparking a debate. For their show The Search, Jade describes how it was important for them to set the tone on respect when each new person auditioned. ‘Because we are small women, it’s important to show people that they need to respect us, that we know what we’re talking about and we need to be listened to,’ she says. ‘There’s no nastiness,’ continues Jesy about the show, which has been praised for modernising and freshening up the age-old TV format. ‘There’s no making anyone feel uncomfortable for entertainment.’ They also insisted a large part of their budget be dedicated to looking after the contestants’ mental health, understanding, first hand, the pitfalls of talent shows. The Search is not their first attempt at diversifying their talent. As a group, they have LMX make-up line and also a perfume, Style By Little Mix. Subsequently, they have become expert businesswomen, refusing to make the mistakes of pop groups past, so often left completely penniless at the end of their careers. ‘I remember walking into an early label meeting and saying, “This is who we want to be, this is the campaign we want, this is the imagery we want,”’ says Jade. ‘We knew our brand from the get go and we very much steered that ship.’ It’s a long way from their (as Jesy puts it) ‘working-class backgrounds’. Since joining the band, each one has bought their mum a house and, while their tale is not entirely rags to riches, the jump from Primark to Prada in recent years has certainly been significant. When it comes to business, Perrie describes herself and Leigh-Anne as the ones who will often seek a compromise in difficult situations, while they send Jesy and Jade in when deals need to be made. ‘Jesy’s the badass,’ Perrie laughs. ‘Whenever I’m scared, I’ll stand behind her. She’s the one who puts her foot down in a boardroom full of men and says, “It’s going to be this way.” But we pick our battles. We don’t just argue about every decision – it’s when we feel we have to.’ ‘Nobody could say that we are difficult, and if they do, they’re lying,’ says Leigh-Anne adamantly. Adds Jesy: ‘We know what we want, and we know what kids want.’ Little Mix have lived over a third of their lives in the spotlight. They’ve seen how things work, how things don’t, and they’ve learnt how to cope with it all. The lows may have been spectacularly low, but the highs have surpassed any of their expectations. Their story is not your classic fairytale, but it’s one they have learnt they can write their own ending for. If the Little Mix I meet today is anything to go by, I wouldn’t expect that ending to come any time soon. Little Mix’s new album Confetti is out now. Their movie LM5: The Tour Film will be in cinemas nationwide on 21 and 22 November.

[livefordrama]

Reviewing Dramas I Have Watched Part 6

It’s been a while; I haven’t been able to watch a lot between school and just life. Not to mention the time I do have is spent doing buddy watches of kdramas I have already seen with my friends and family (On teleparty of course.) Again, here is my rating system:  1- Did not like, 2- Enjoyed but probably wouldn’t watch again, 3- Enjoyed and would watch some episodes again (or for movies may watch again), 4- Enjoyed and would watch again, 5- Loved

Korean Drama

Melting Me Softly: 3/5

Melting Me Softly is about a guy and s girl who get cryogenically frozen for an experiment for what was meant to be only a day. Unfortunately, something happens, and the 24-hour experiment turns into 20 years. Now they have to deal with the changes of not only their family and friends but the world and society as a whole all while trying to uncover the darker secrets behind the experiments.

I gave this a 3 because while the earlier and later episodes were amazing and hilarious, the episodes in the middle of the season bored me. I am not much of a romance person unless it is either subtle or played out a specific way and the romance in this wasn’t my personal cup of tea so it just got boring for me. On its good episodes though, it was funny, sad, and cute. I really did like the dynamic between the two main characters and the romance is pretty good, just a little slower in the middle of the series. The relationships with the family members of the two were so cute and so sad, I loved the all the scenes where the mains got to interact with their families. I did feel awkward and weird about the second-lead, I’m not sure if he counts as a second lead but for lack of a better term that’s what I’m calling him. I love Choi Bo-Min as an actor, and it had nothing to do with his acting, just the whole situation was uncomfortable to me. That other guy who doesn’t even deserve to be the second-lead, if you watch it you know, the stalker one, I despise that man. Not once during the entire show did I like one of his scenes. That could be why I didn’t enjoy the middle scenes as much cause he found a way to worm his way into almost every scene and I would get so annoyed with him. This show does have its good points and bad points, so I would recommend it for those who like romance with a little bit of suspense and humor.

Welcome to Waikiki (season 1): 3/5

Welcome to Waikiki is about a group of friends who own and attempt to run a guesthouse together. When they find a baby left behind in one of their rooms, they have to find out how to take care of her and find her mother. This becomes even more complicated when the mother returns in tears saying she had no where else to go and didn’t want her baby to suffer. After hearing about her troubles, they decide to take the two in, in exchange for help working at the guesthouse. It follows the group and mother as they try to figure out how to take care of a baby, save their failing guesthouse, and achieve their own dreams, all while falling in love.

This show was hilarious, I watched it because everyone was talking about how funny it was and I agree. I especially love how it focused on all the characters instead of picking just one or two and focusing on them. I love when shows really work on all their characters and this show played it out so well. Not one was neglected and I didn’t feel like any of them were underdeveloped by the end, and Sol was super cute! I loved every single one of her scenes, she was so funny and sassy and I know she is just a baby but she is amazing. I watched some episodes on the tv and my sisters even made comments on how cute she was when they looked up at the TV, even though they didn’t watch it. I enjoyed the ending and how it all played out and tied together nicely. 

It was a delight for the first two thirds of the season. However, yet again that romance hit and the humor kinda dissipated to be replaced by the romance for a good few episodes. While it was admittedly cute, and I adored the romance scenes in the last few episodes, most romance scenes gave me such second-hand embarrassment I had to pause the show for a while and gain the courage to restart it. I did enjoy it but would probably only ever rewatch the first two thirds and maybe the last two or so episodes. It reminds me of Love With Flaws in the second-hand embarrassment romance scenes, so if you enjoyed that show, definitely give this one a chance. If you like romance, humor, and can handle the second-hand embarrassment stuff I highly recommend this one! It’s super cute and hilarious!

Missing Nine: 5/5                                

Trigger Warning: Plane crash, Blood, Injuries, Suicide attempts, Murder

Missing Nine is about a girl who gets hired as a stylist for an arrogant and cold idol. On her first day, the plane they are all riding on to an event crashes on a vacant island. Only nine of them survive the crash and must now fight to survive and be found all while struggling with the betrayal of one of their friends who began to murder them one by one.

I really enjoyed this one, it was my perfect type of show; angst, suspense, subtle romance, crime, found family. The only issue I had with it was the unrealistic ending, I just don’t understand how it is possible and don’t know how I even personally feel about it. I am also probably one of the very few people who didn’t watch it for Chanyeol, don’t get me wrong I am an Exol too, but like really new Exol. You can skip this parenthesis if you want, it’s a kpop tangent. (I am a huge multistan. I love all the kpop groups I have listened to so far and have all the dalcomsoft games minus Gfriend even though I love them, cause I feel like it’s going to be a BTS superstar and get deleted so it’s not worth my time or efforts. Feel free to talk to me about any group and any member. If I don’t know them, I would be happy to find new ones so even if they are not well known or new, don’t feel worried about squealing to me about them, I would love to make kpop/kdrama loving friends.) I watched for Jung Kyung-ho and only when I started did I see Chanyeol which was cool to find. This also means POSSIBLE SPOILER ALERT I wasn’t disappointed or biased after a certain episode like many of the people I saw raging in the Tvtime comments, not saying this in a bad way just stating that since I am neutral on certain events, I will be focusing on specifically the plot and how I felt about said plot versus how I feel about characters. SPOILER ALERT OVER

Overall I really loved this show, it was certainly an emotional roller coaster. I felt that it could have had a second season or a spin off to tie up that last little cliffhanger but I personally and satisfied with how the main issue wrapped up, other than that one weird ending scene. If you like angst, suspense, crime, and a little romance seen in an enemies to lover type of trope then I highly recommend this show. I gave it a 5 cause I personally loved it and am already planning on rewatching it with my friend. It does have a lot of blood and injuries so if you are sensitive to that, I wouldn’t recommend it to you. 

Because this is my first life: 5/5

Trigger Warning: Sexual Assault, Attempted R@pe (but it didn’t get far at all, just be careful)

Because this is my first life is about a woman (Ji-ho) who has to find a new place to live as her brother is getting married and her parents gave the son the apartment that they had bought for both their children. Because of many misunderstandings and coincidences, she accidentally rents a new apartment with a very strict and stoic man (Se-hee). Due to more problems, the two come to an agreement that they should get married since they both can gain something from it. The woman gains a place to stay and the man gains a tenant to help pay the bills, no more, no less.

Okay, so while I said that I didn’t like romance this is the exception, much like Shopping King Louie, it was just a really cute slow burn that I thoroughly enjoyed watching. Many people in the fandom, on TV time at least, were giving Se-hee a hard time and saying he was using and manipulating Ji-ho but I didn’t see it that way. She consented and never voiced anything other than that and the deal was for her to stay in the apartment since she needed a place to live and he needed someone to help pay bills. He didn’t ask for anything more, she was already following his schedule before the marriage issue and was just fine and accepting when they decided to get married. Neither had any expectations of falling in love, they just both needed something that marriage would help them gain and both consented to it. Later on, Se-hee even asked her if any advances were okay and backed off when they weren’t with no questions asked which I find admirable. Okay, rant over. It was cute and at times annoying cause you just want them to get together already. I laughed so hard in so many episodes and cried in a few too. The cat was so adorable and I love the interactions the main’s had with the little fluff. The best, and sometimes most painful, bonding moments between the main’s were the ones that dealt with the cat. I wasn’t too fond of the love triangle but was pleased with how it actually played out with the two women actually accepting each others presence instead of being horrible to each other for the most part. Highly recommend it to any romance lovers, and especially to those who are fans of shows like Shopping King Louie as mentioned above.

Flower boy next door: 3/5

Trigger Warning: Stalking, Panic Attacks, Sensory overload, Bullying, Teacher Crushes and Manipulation of Such

Flower boy next door follows Dok-mi, a young woman with crippling social anxiety to the point she never leaves her apartment. From her window she watches her across the street male neighbor every day, taking note of his entire schedule. This all comes back to bite her when her neighbor’s brother comes to visit from Spain and catches her. What starts as an attempt to make her stop stalking her brother, quickly progresses into a mission to help her overcome her past, anxiety, and to get out of the house and adapt back to a healthy social life. As this mission goes on the two begins to realize they have feelings for each other, but Dok-mi’s own next-door neighbor has his own mission of getting her to stay inside and fall in love with him. He has been writing a web comic about her being a modern Rapunzel and has been in love with her for many years.

I enjoyed this one, I watched it cause the actor from Psychopath Diary starred in it and it was really cute. The romance was adorable, and the whole telepathy thing was a great addition that made me laugh. I love the whole adorable dork male with quiet cold girl trope so much. I didn’t like the whole stalking situation very much, it’s just kinda weird and was something that made me really uncomfortable during the first few episodes. I wasn’t a huge fan of the next-door neighbor, he just seemed like an enabler to me and I found myself angry through most of his scenes, as well as through most of Dok-mi’s childhood friend’s scenes. Other than those two characters, I enjoyed it well enough. I know some people can get annoyed by each characters flaws but I usually am good with morally grey characters as long as they learn from their mistakes. Some did in this show and there was a lot of character development and some didn’t which is realistic but makes me kind of sad. I recommend it to people who like a cute romance show with some angst and don’t mind morally grey characters.

Web-drama/Mini-series

Ghost Vros: 4/5

Trigger Warning: Suicide, Death, Some gore, Jump scares.

Ghost Vros follows two young men who are trying to start up a business where they hunt ghosts using virtual reality software. The main character is able to sense the ghost through his ears turning red and his friend programs the virtual realty to make sure the main has everything he needs to catch the ghosts.

I liked this one, it was fast like many web dramas are, but really interesting. I did attempt to translate it myself with my, admittedly little, Korean knowledge before finding the English subs (which you won’t be able to find now that Youtube has rudely removed community subs, unless it’s uploaded somewhere else. If someone finds it please let me know.) I was always engaged during the show and wasn’t bored at any point. It did have some confusing points and I wish we got more backstory as there was mentions of some interesting things that was never explored further, but it is a web drama, so that is more than likely too much to ask for. Recommend to anyone who enjoys a quick comedy ghost story.

 Cats Taste and Cat Bartender: 5/5

Cat’s Taste and Cat Bartender follow three cat gods who run a bar at night to make money for their injured owner. At this bar, they give upset humans cocktails which enable them to either posses said human or go into a dream world, this isn’t really clear, and correct the issue in exchange for items the cats find interesting on top of the alcohol cost.

This show was so cute, I absolutely loved and couldn’t stop smiling. I got the first season, Cat’s Taste, on my youtube recommend and decided to watch it since I was bored. I am so glad I did, I got super excited when I saw that there is a second season as well and spent forever trying to hunt it down before a kind person on MyDramaList put a link to the English subs in a comment (if anyone needs it, I will be happy to send it.) Both seasons were amazing, and I am hoping for a season three as the ending looks like it might be set up for one. The way they showed the bartending moves was so pretty and satisfying and I liked how all three cats got to show their moves instead of just the one.  I don’t like alcohol, have tried many kinds many times to but just don’t, however this show makes me want to drink the mixed drinks even though I know I would hate the taste.

Also, is it just me or does Ms. Hana remind anyone of Johnny from NCT? I don’t know if she looks like him or what, sometimes someone reminds me of someone else and the two look nothing alike. Don’t know what that’s all about but let me know because I could not shake the feeling that she reminded me of Mr. Johnny from Chicago. Anyway, tangent aside, I highly recommend to someone who like a quick but cute drama.

Korean Movies

Beautiful Vampire: 3/5

Beautiful Vampire is about a female vampire who tries to avoid people due to her nature, but has all that shattered when she runs into her landlady’s son one night and begins to fall in love.

This movie was pretty good, but a little confusing. I couldn’t even write a proper plot explanation cause I was just so confused. I honestly felt like a fever dream, though a relatively interesting fever dream. I wish we had more information and backstory cause it just kinda felt like a rollercoaster ride of pining. It ended okay; I mean I was bored at the time, so it was something to do. If I am bored in the future, I might watch it again. I agree with most on TvTime when they say, it wasn’t bad, but it wasn’t good, it was just something to do. I feel like the story line needed more work done and that it ended too fast and progressed in such a way that it was hard to follow. If you are bored or have nothing to do, give it a try, you might like it more than I did.

Chinese Drama

Take My Brother Away: 3/5

Trigger Warning: Alcohol Abuse

Take My Brother Away is based on a web comic about two siblings living with their alcoholic, debtor father in China, after their mom filed for a divorce and left. It follows the two as they go to school, work, and try to live a normal life. The sister hates her brother for being lazy and not being able to help her get what she wants, and the brother gets annoyed at the sister for always getting violent with him and nagging him.

I loved this one, it was really interesting to see the dynamic between the family. I felt that the brother should have been given more credit in the beginning for all he does for his sister and I felt really sorry for the sister because she just wanted to be like the other students who could afford to read web comics or go on trips. Some episodes were hilarious, some were heartbreaking, some were admittedly annoying, some gave me secondhand embarrassment. I just love it all, the only reason I give it a three is because I wouldn’t watch all 50 episodes again, I loved it but some were more on the boring side like filler episodes and I just, don’t think I’ll ever watch the whole series again. I can defiantly say however, I will probably watch most of the episodes again. I enjoyed the ending though it was admittedly on the strange side, and felt it was wrapped up nicely. There was a lot of character development too which is always great. I recommend this to those who enjoy some dysfunctional family humor and some angst and who are able to commit to long seasons.

 Part 1

Part 2

Part 3

Part 4

Part 5

[x0401x]

Jeweler Richard Fanbook Short Story #1

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Cleopatra’s Pearl

Yesterday, for the first time in a while, I had a night shift in my part-time job at the TV station. I continued working there for just a little, to an extent that wouldn’t get in the way of my Saturday part-time at Jewelry Etranger.

Only the channel of the station I worked for was displayed in the muted TV of the night shift room. There was a history-type quiz show going on when I came in at six. It wasn’t a genre that I had any particular interest in, but…

“Hey, Richard, do pearls really dissolve in vinegar?”

“Cleopatra’s anecdote?”

“Whoa, as expected of a jeweler.”

“This is common knowledge.”

It was said that Cleopatra, once the queen of Ancient Egypt, had a battle with the Roman general Antonius as to which of them could arrange the richest dish. In a direct attack, Antonius showed her rows of delicacies from all over the world, but the queen used an unpredictable move. She dissolved one of the large pearls that she wore as earrings with vinegar that she had poured into a cup, drinking it up in front of Antonius. By the moment she smiled at a dumbfounded Antonius, saying that she could use the other side in case one had not been enough, their contest was already over.

As I talked about the anecdote of the unexpected trick, Richard nodded with a composed face. “That is Plinius’s description of it, right? If you look for a book called ‘Naturalis Historia’, you will find it written there.”

“So it’s true?! No, that’s impossible, isn’t it...? Vinegar can’t really dissolve pearls, right?”

“Depends on its density. If the acidity is strong enough to affect your body after you drink it, it can indeed dissolve pearls as well. But then I cannot conceive that the Queen of Egypt drank it.”

“Thought so...”

“I believe it is unreasonable to expect chemical accuracy from ancient Roman literature, but at the very least, it conveys the romance that he was attempting to tell. The worth of Cleopatra’s large pearls must be immeasurable.”

I had never seen pearls being used much in Etranger, but were there any requests from the clients, this magus-like jeweler would always stock up the necessary goods in rows. As I asked how much a pearl cost, Richard answered that it depended. When I formed a big circle with my fingers and asked, “What about this?”, the beautiful man sighed.

“A gem worn by a royal is a special good among special goods. There are no other comparable items for sale in this world. Therefore, the speculation of ‘how much this costs’ has next to no meaning.”

“So no matter how much money you pay, there’s no way you can get your hands on something that doesn’t exist.”

“Exactly.”

Antonius’s treat was food. It was not cheap, but one could manage acquiring it with money somehow or other. In contrast, Cleopatra all too abruptly dissolved something unique and drank it. I see.

“That’s Cleopatra’s value, huh. So moral of the story is that, even if it wasn’t true, Cleopatra was a step above in sagacity.”

“Right you are. Authenticity aside, it is possible to do a rough analysis from the nature of the anecdote.”

“Cleopatra loses in the end, though.”

Antonius and Cleopatra did join hands, but in the end, they lost to a different general who had come from Rome and both died. Apparently, the new general had no interest in Cleopatra’s beauty. It wasn’t like everything would go well for someone so long as they were good-looking. My break time had ended there, and right before the end credits, I received a task to guard the studio’s management counter.

I would take the night shift four days a week until I started working in this shop, and thinking back on it now, my body sure had endured it. My skin was three times bumpier than normal when I woke up after sleeping until eight o’clock in the nap room. I was by no means a peerless beauty type like Richard, so this was the kind of experience where I became self-aware that even the things we couldn’t see would wear down little by little. Speaking of which...

“Is something the matter, Seigi?”

“No... I was just thinking a bit about the relationship between beautiful people and gemstones.”

Gems lasted more than people. Richard had said before that stones nestled close to people’s lives.

“Gems are stones, so they don’t get damaged so easily and stay beautiful for about forever, right? The reason why rich people feel like collecting them might not be just for using up their fortunes.”

All human beings grew old. Someone had also told me in the past that “luxury is the same as dirt to the wind”. But I could understand why someone would want to think that, by some sort of exception, they would never age and things would always work out for them.

After all, stones – being stones – would retain their beautiful forms.

Richard exhaled curtly with a “hun”, sipping his royal milk tea. Today’s serving was a work I had confidence in.

“Seigi, do you know how pearls are made?”

“Eh? From oysters, right?”

“Precisely. In order to tell apart the way they are formed from the way that minerals form in the ground, they are called ‘carbonate minerals’. As oysters have soft bodies, they are weak to pollution and pain, and dealing with them normally requires meticulous care. It is exactly because they are sensible natural creatures that they have been loved as symbols of beautiful women since times of old. From the fact that the shellfish is nurtured for a long period and born out of the mother’s body, it is also popular as a protection charm for childbirth.”

“‘Carbonate mineral’... something like calculus?”

“You say such emotionless things. It can be considered a delicate gem, close to human flesh. If the owner can successfully manage to coexist with it, it can guarantee a graceful beauty.”

A sensible gem born from shellfish. Hence the “coexistence”. As expected of a jeweler. He said some smart things.

Had Cleopatra also tried to explain herself away to the enemy general like that? She probably had. But it’s useless when it doesn’t work.

“Would it have been useless to give the pearl that she had set aside to the attacking Roman general and say, ‘Please pardon us with this’? It wouldn’t work, huh...”

“You sure are obsessing over it. If Cleopatra had won against Rome’s Octavianus, history might have changed.”

“That’s a hindsight-based opinion, isn’t it? Beautiful people are also part of this world’s riches... Ah, just now! It’s not like I was saying this and that about you!”

“I get it, I understand. Do not shout so loudly,” Richard said, making a bitter face.

My apologies. Up until now, I had been complimenting the appearance of my beautiful boss over and over countless times, and would end up praising him too much, making his face get suspicious. Regardless of the day.

“Survival tactics sure are difficult, both now and in the past.”

“Gemstones cannot speak or hold grudges. They do not increase in numbers if left alone. While their owners change as the people in power are replaced, stones simply exist. The beauty of stones lies in their thoroughly passive charm. Even if there are interpretations for them, they cannot interpret people. That is exactly why people can accept them without any ado even if they belonged to an opponent. The same would not apply to a living person.”

“Speaking of which, it was said on TV that Cleopatra committed suicide in the end, I think.”

If she were truly an unmatched beauty, she might have had her life spared even if she had lost the war. But in that regard, I felt something like pride from a queen who had fought carrying a nation on her back. Like, “I am not the same as gemstones”. It wasn’t as if I knew what the actual course of events was, though.

“Gems also have it hard. Even if they’re cherished because they’re oh-so-pretty, they can’t pick their own fate.”

“So you say there are stones that complain about their own sorrows? How surprising. To think your knowledge of the spiritual side of things would be this deep.”

“That’s not what I’m saying...”

Richard asked, “Is that really so?” and I furrowed my brows. Eh?

“Stones also choose people.”

“You saying that for real?”

“For real. It is like a chance encounter. Just as people choose one another, stones choose people as well. It is precisely because fate ensues that they settle into a person’s hand, I believe.”

“Hearing you say ‘for real’ is kinda... nice.”

“Ha?”

“The gap is incredible, like seeing Cleopatra chug down beer from a tankard... Ah... Sorry about that.”

Richard cleared his throat in displeasure and stated, “Tea” with his usual tone. Whenever he was a bit embarrassed, he would chase me away into the small kitchen.

Today’s snack for the Etranger staff was ramune that we received from a client who had come from the Kansai region. The pastel-colored little spheres were tightly packed inside a lovely box that looked like those hat boxes from department stores. They dissolved in bubbles once we put them in our mouths. Though they were delicious and pretty, as one would expect, eating them in heaps with the clients while talking about stones could have a bit of a bad effect, and I felt like it would make me laugh, so we decided to finish them in private.

“I can even bet on it, but these are definitely tastier than a pearl dissolved in vinegar.”

“What do you intend to bet? How foolish.”

Richard and I absent-mindedly ate the sweets that most certainly neither generals from ancient Rome nor the Queen of Egypt ever got to tasting. We ate and ate but there was no end to them. While we were at it, it felt like we were binge eating pearls, which made me feel just a little sorry for Cleopatra.

As I grimaced a bit, the unrivaled beauty raised an eyebrow only slightly, looking puzzled, and then began wolfing down the ramune again.

[365days365movies]

May 4, 2021: The Host (2006) (Recap)

NO NOT THAT ONE

Stephanie Meyer goddamn sucks. I realize that I’m not exactly the first person to say that, but she’s terrible. Not only is she not a good writer, but she also has some very disparaging views about science fiction and its fans, which led her to make her own science fiction book and film. ANd yeah...it’s terrible! No surprise there.

So, no, not the 2013 critical and commercial flop known as The Host. No, this post is about 2006′s The Host, AKA Gwoemul, AKA 괴물. I haven’t ventured to far into the world of Korean cinema, and with this film, my repertoire includes only the films of director Bong Joon-Ho. And if that name sounds familiar...it should.

Bong Joon-ho DESERVEDLY made headlines last year when his film became the first non-English language film to win for Best Picture, and the first time Asian writers won for best screenplay! His Oscar speech in accepting best director is genuinely one of the best and most sincere speeches I’ve ever heard from a director, and I love the dude.

Oh, and if you’re wondering which film it was, then, like me, you also really need to watch Parasite. And because I’m terrified of spoilers, I’m not gonna look for GIFs of that movie. Instead, I’ll put in a GIF of one of my favorite sci-fi films, and the only other Bong Joon-ho film I’ve seen.

God, I love Snowpiercer. And if this is anything like that, I’m probably going to love this movie. Now, I don’t really know much about this film, other than the fact that it’s a monster film. And if there’s any science-fiction subgenre more iconic than monster films, I don’t know it. Well...OK, aliens, robots, and more, but monster films are still a big part of the genre. But where does that begin? Is it here?

Definitely an argument you can make, since Frankenstein’s Monster is a creation of science gone wrong, from the book to the movie. Fun fact, Mary Shelley based it on a real-world experiment by Italian physiologist Giovanni Aldini, who used a corpse to illustrate the connection between electricity and muscles. Neat, huh? So, yeah, that’s a solid launching point.

But that’s more of a horror story. What about something a little more monster-y? Well, from the UK to Japan we go!

OHHHHHH YEAH, THAT’S THE GOOD STUFF

Toho’s 1954 film Gojira is one of the most classic monster films ever made, and singlehandedly launched the kaiju genre in Japan. And it’s really well-known that it was made as a response to post-World War II tensions about nuclear warfare. Which, in Japan, is kind of understandable, no? But nothing demonstrated the destructive power of science more than that moment in history. 

So, Godzilla arrives. And the US also makes more monster movies, most of which take place in contemporary settings, making many of them lo-fi sci-fi. Now, some dipped into horror or fantasy, but the science fiction roots were there. Which eventually would bring us full circle to films where monsters were made and go loose. You know, like this:

It’s a franchise that defines the ‘90s, and lab-grown monster movies exploded around that time as well. At the same time, environmental concerns REALLY started to build by this point, and those concerns leaked profusely into film all over the world. And by the time we get to 2006...well, let’s get into it, huh?

SPOILERS AHEAD!!!

Recap

In a mortuary, a U.S. military doctor (Scott Wilson) instructs his assistant (Brian Lee) to dump bottles of formaldehyde down the drain of the facility, which goes directly into the Han River. The assistant protests, but the doctor insists, despite the risk of polluting the river. AAAAAmericans.

In the river about two years later, two fisherman see something strange looking in the river. Then, four years later, in 2006, a suicidal man is about to jump into the river, when he sees something dark in the water below.

Later that year, we meet Park Hee-bong (Byun Hee-Bong) and his son Park Gang-du (Song Kang-ho), who run a food truck and snack bar near the river. Gang-du’s not exactly a hard worker, to his father’s chagrin. His daughter, Hyun-seo (Go Ah-sung), is a student who comes home from school, where her drunken uncle Nam-il (Park Hae-il) comes to her chagrin. She and her father watch TV, where his sister Nam-joo (Bar Doona) can be seen competing in archery.

As he’s bringing food out to customers, he joins them in observing something strange and massive hanging off of the bridge. And at this point, I would be running the fuck away. Literally, the news just said that there was a body found with the legs missing, and these people are throing cans at it after it plunges into the water. One girl asks if it’s a dolphin. Mother...HAVE YOU SEEN A DOLPHIN BEFORE?

NOT THIS

Yeah, this thing just comes bounding along the shore, slapping people into the water with its tail, and batting aside others. Doesn’t look like its actively killing anybody yet, but it’s definitely hurting people at least. That is, until it goes into a trailer where a bunch of people have gathered, and appears to eat a bunch of them. So, yeah, dangerous.

Gang-du, to his infinite credit, actually attempts to confront and hurt the creature, with the help of Donald White (David Joseph Anselmo). And it works, but at the cost of the creature aggro-ing onto him. Back at the snack truck, his sister’s lost the title, much to the chagrin of Gang-du’s daughter and father. She goes outside in frustration, only to be thrown into the midst of the chaos with her dad. He grabs a girls hand in the chaos, only to find that it’s a different child entirely. And...unfortunately...

The creature grabs her with its tail, and leaps back into the river, disappearing. Fuck. Poor Hyun-seo, and poor Gang-du. Gang-du IMMEDIATELY goes to get her back, jumping into the river, but the creature takes her across to an island, out of reach. That night, an impromptu funeral is held for the victims, at which Hyun-seo is being honored as well. There, both Gang-du’s sister and brother also attend, and all four of the break down dramatically and publicly.

Nam-il blames his brother for letting her die, which is unfair, but understandable. The family eventually calms down and discusses the circumstances of Hyun-Seo’s birth and death, both of which were accidental. As they do, a man in a protective suit comes out, and asks who was at the river incident. Nam-il protests this, and asks what’s going on. The man doesn’t explain, and the room is instead gassed, as everyone is ushered towards the entrance.

In the process, Gang-du (stupidly) reveals that he was hit by some blood splatter. He’s immediately stuffed in a bag and kidnapped by the authorities. Meanwhile, the news reveals that the creature is carrying a virus, and anyone who has been in contact with it has been infected. Because of this, the entire family is taken to a quarantine hospital, which oddly has very few actual quarantine procedures in place. And additionally, Gang-du is feeling a bit itchy.

That night, in the hospital, Gang-du gets a call on his cell phone! It’s Hyun-seo! She’s alive! And she’s trapped, in a sewer somewhere near the river. Meanwhile, a group of men in protectve suits are outside patrolling the river. One man finds money on the side of the road, and goes to pick it up, only for the men to be attacked by the creature. But it’s then that we discover that the creature is not killing or eating people, but simply taking them own to its lair. Also in said lair is Hyun-seo, trapped and with a now dead phone.

The next day, the family tries to get an officer to look into the call, only for the officer to be, frankly, an absolute piece of shit to this grieving family. Gang-du tries to explain, and his explanation is ENTIRELY RATIONAL, but the officer and doctors are absolutely terrible about it.

Because nobody’s listening, the family manages to escape from the hospital in order to try and save Hyun-Seo, and they hop into a van, taking it and running. This is a good place to mention that, despite this being a monster movie, it's also...weirly funny sometimes. Like, that whole scene is pretty great. After bartering with a group of gangsters for supplies (and after Hee-bong basically gives away all of his credit cards), the group manages to get a map and a new car. But they pretty quickly get stopped at a checkpoint into the city, and are nearly caught, but manage to escape and get to the riverfront. Once there, they begin searching the sewers to find Hyun-seo. And I gotta say; this may be an extremely dysfunctional family, but they’re a devoted family all the same.

Of course, that eventually gives way to arguments within the sewer itself, but that’s interrupted by a noise heard somewhere around them. They fire at it, using weapons obtained from the gangster but conclude that it was nothing. What it actually is is two brothers, older Se-jin (Lee Jae-eung) and younger Se-joo (Lee Dong-ho), homeless kids who are foraging the sewers in the abandoned city. But, of course, they eventually run into the creature, which attacks them. Meanwhile, an asleep Hyun-Seo dreams of dinner with her family, only to be woken up by the arrival of the creature, who deposits the bodies of the two boys in the sewer with her. Se-joo has survived, but Se-jin hasn’t, sadly.

Meanwhile, the rest of the family is gathered at their snack bar for the night, and prepares to set out or the morning. The to younger siblings appear to not give a single shit about Gang-du, but Hee-bong attempts to set them straight, talking about how he blames himself for the way Gang-du is now. However, the two just fall asleep during his speech. Poor Hee-bong. Also, he can apparently identify Gang-du’s health condition based on his farts because they spend so much time together, it’s dumb, and funny.

Also, poor the rest of them, because Gang-du wakes up to see the creature just waiting outside, watching them. Hee-bong fires at it, but the creature attacks and knocks over the bar. However, Hee-bong manages to hit it directly in the head, knocking it off, but not killing it. The family goes out to finish the job, but it runs away before they can kill it. They run after it, and are almost completely out of bullets. Hee-bong volunteers to go after it himself, but in the process...

Hee-bong doesn’t make it. The creature kills him, and the commotion attracts the military to their location. Gang-du is again captured, while Nam-il and Nam-joo escape, only to later be separated regardless. Meanwhile, the virus kills Donald White, the sergeant from earlier, and it continues to spread across Korea. To kill the creature, the government plans to release a chemical into the river called Agent Yellow, which feels...controversial.

Nam-il meats a colleague, “Fat Guevara” (Yam Pil-sung), who is easily able to provide a location for Hyun-seo using the number, which the cop earlier insisted was nearly impossible to do. Plus, both the sergeant and Gang-du encountered the creature together, and he seems to be just fine. Which probably means that something very wrong is happening now. Even worse, though, is the fact that Guevara’s appeared to trap Nam-il, as a massive reward is sought for his arrest. A gang of people surround hi, with the plan to capture him, but he VERY cleverly escapes by causing an electrical short, and AFTER having found Hyun-seo’s location! Nice, man! He takes off, now knowing exactly where his niece is.

Nam-joo, meanwhile, is literally living inside of the snack bar, and she gets a text from Nam-il with her location. He tags out, and she tags in, running to the location where the call came from. But she immediately runs into the creature, which knocks her down and unconscious. She manages to call Gang-du, who is currently about to be sedated. Now knowing where his daughter is, he tries to escape, only to be tackled by the doctors. He tells them where she is, but they don’t appear to listen. More importantly, the anesthetic doesn’t appear to work, much to the confusion of the doctors. Something is verrrrrrrry wrong here.

An American doctor (Paul Lazar) comes, and asks what’s wrong, and he tells him exactly what’s wrong. However, despite his words SEEMING to be heard, they once again call him crazy and delusional, and decide to give him a lobotomy to isolate the virus once and for all, like FUCKING ASSHOLES. Turns out that the virus? Yeah, it doesn’t exist whatsoever! It doesn’t exist even a little bit! Which means that this entire thing is a wild goddamn goose chase for a virus that DOESN’T FUCKING EXIST!!!

And the best thing is that Gang-du, despite not actually knowing English, still understands the words “no virus”, and know he fucking knows! However, because he knows, they now have to give him a lobotomy. Fuck me, man. Panicking, he cries for them to stop, and cries for his daughter, who’s still alive in the sewer.

Speaking of, Hyun-seo and Se-joo are bonding in the sewer, as they work to make a rope from things they find there. But in the process, they’re attacked by the creature, who know is actively eating the bodies, and presumably other people. Whoof. They manage to escape, but barely.

Back with Gang-du, who’s just gone through the lobotomy, which...hasn’t worked at all. Holy SHIT. Not sure what the hel is UP with this dude, but that’s a question in and of itself. He escapes by taking a nurse hostage, threatening them with a syringe of his blood, full of a virus that doesn’t exist!

Nam-il wakes up at the same time, not accompanied by a homeless man (Yoon Je-moon), who agrees to take him to the bridge to find Hyun-seo. In the sewer, the two kids have survived, and the creature appears to be asleep. Like a GODDAMN BOSS, she runs up the creatures back, and jumps onto a rope that she had made, and that was hanging far out of her reach. Unfortunately...the creature catches her with its tail. Fuck. It sets her down, and...lets her go? But as soon as she runs, it attacks bother her and Se-joo.

Just then, Gang-du gets to the lair, and uses the rope to climb down. Below him is a pile of bones, and no kids to be seen. The creature goes by, and Hyun-seo’s hand is dangling out of its mouth. And once again by coincidence, that’s when Nam-joo wakes up and reunites with her brother. The creature runs to the waterfront, only to be greeted by...a crowd? They’re gathered there to protest the release of the dangerous chemical into the river.

It all collides at once. The creature swims towards the crowd, Gang-du runs towards the creature, Agent Yellow is released over them both, causing the creature to faint. Gan-du runs up and grabs the bodies of his daughter and See-joo from its mouth, apparently too fucking late. Shit, man. This would’ve been avoided if they just HELPED him. Fuck. He carries her body away as more chemical is released onto the flailing creature, and the chemical causes everyone else in the area to violently hemorrhage as well. Meanwhile, Nam-il and Nam-joo arrive to see their deceased niece, grieving all over again. It’s...fuck, man, it sucks.

And Gang-du is fucking PISSED NOW. He grabs a street sign and attacks the injured creature, fueled by pure rage. Nam-il joins in with Molotov cocktails as it runs away. The homeless man douses it with gasoline, and that makes it easier for Nam-il to set it on fire...until he drops the bottle. And then, Nam-joo uses it to light an arrow on fire, hitting the creature with it, and setting it ablaze. It runs to the water, only for Gang-du to stab it through the head with the street sign, finally killing it in revenge for his father and his daughter. Fucking bad-ASS. And also quite tragic, given the circumstances.

And despite the tragedy, there is one happy circumstance: Se-joo lives! In fact, Hyun-seo died saving his life, like the real goddamn hero of this story that she is. Fuck. That’s terrible, but I’m happy that her sacrifice wasn’t in vain. From here, we fast-forward to the winter, where a clean-shaven and well-kept Gang-du is is now caring for Se-joo. The news is on in the background, but the two ignore it, happily eating together after the ordeal they’ve been through.

Whoof. That’s The Host, or Gwoemul! And yeah, that’s one hell of a movie, I tell you what. For a monster movie, it’s quite dramatic, and they don’t try to humanize the monster AT ALL. And honestly, I really like it! A Pyrrhic victory at the end, but nothing wrong with that! I’ll elaorate a bit in the review! See you there!

[murphystartedthefire]

Okay it’s been some time, I’ve had some days,

MEMORI FINALE DISCOURSE ANONS LET’S GO

My feelings are mixed! They really are. My overwhelming finale reaction was “huh, I guess that wasn’t as bad as it could’ve been” followed by a long, numb, aching feeling in my chest, followed by peace, followed by “they can still grow babies on Bardo though, can’t they?” (that’s a side conversation)

So I’m not telling ANYONE else how to feel, because I’m still sorting my own feelings out. I certainly appreciate that this is a hard ending to swallow for Murphy fans who don’t like Memori. Remember, even for you it’s not as bad as it could’ve been since he’s alive and happy and with everyone else at the end!! But the way he got there basically by accident and was otherwise 100% gonna choose death over living without Emori as the final culmination of his story... not everybody’s gonna find that super romantic and beautiful, especially if you’ve felt for seasons that Murphy’s Epic Love For Emori is not your favorite thing about his character, or you actively think their relationship is unhealthy, toxic, etc.

(I promise I’m only gonna yell SHE’S MADE THAT CHOICE TO SACRIFICE HERSELF AND DIE WITH HIM TOO once. I’ll just say it once. I needed to get it out of my system, it’s my tumblr. I know it’s not the same because they survived all those situations. Then again they also, incredibly, survived this one.)

As someone who does love Murphy’s Epic Love For Emori? And expected it to play a big role in the end of the show, but never imagined it happening like this? Yeah, it got me. It made me cry. It’s making me cry now.

Murphy and Emori are THE love story of “The 100″ for me, the way normal(?) shippers felt about Bellarke or Clexa. Without them I wouldn’t have made this sideblog or ever engaged with this fandom. Without them I would have stopped watching the show pretty early in season 6, if not earlier. I’m not going to act like this conclusion to their arc wasn’t *extremely validating* and emotional for me.

If I have something to criticize about this ending (pre-transcendence epilogue), it’s really a problem that was built up long before the finale and especially in this season. I wish they weren’t so isolated. I wish Emori wasn’t basically the only thing Murphy valued or made his life worth living, ‘cause that was never fair to either of them. I wish their love had made them stronger and more connected to others, instead of constantly just anchored to each other, dead or alive.

“The 100″ might’ve been better overall -- certainly more watchable for me -- if they were part of it and not on a whole other show sometimes. On the other hand, my lizard brain only wants to see them together, so being the center of each other’s world to the very end, to the point where they’re SHARING ONE UNCONSCIOUS BODY, only makes me ship them harder. It’s a double-edged sword.

The whole mind drive thing... you don’t have to think it was the right choice or the healthy choice, even. You just have to get that it was Murphy’s choice, and completely on brand for him. He never wanted to just ‘survive’ if it meant losing her. It was an insane gesture that he committed to with every fibre of his being.

Look, once the mind drive was in Murphy’s head -- once Emori was dead, honestly -- there was no “good” way for it to end. I felt that viscerally as I was watching the episode. (Yes, yes, pre-epilogue, I was proven wrong by magic and aliens.) Murphy could stay in there and die with her, or Emori could push him out and convince him to let her go. He’d still get to say his last goodbyes with her, but she could more firmly insist he needs to move on -- I briefly wondered if that’s how the scene would end.

But I wouldn't BELIEVE Murphy moving on and letting go. I've said in like 20 different posts that the ending I wanted LEAST was for Emori to be killed and shatter Murphy’s soul and force him to be alone. (Not least because holy hell I didn’t want to watch a WOC violently fridged for his survival and character growth.) The second-worst ending to me would be him dying and her surviving.

It wouldn’t work without another full season (at least!) of Murphy coming to terms with Emori's death and finding SOME way to cope and be happy again, which of course in the real world I’d think was possible. In the world of fiction, we didn’t have time for that, and to rush him to the Acceptance stage of grief would be completely unearned.

Seeing Emori all bloody and contorted and glassy-eyed on that table while Murphy falls apart was... so, so fucking awful in a way that’s going to haunt me for a long time. I made a gif set with ONE shot of her in it, and it was somehow the LEAST upsetting one and still like the worst thing I’ve ever put on my blog. It didn’t need to be as ugly and graphic as it was. It did not need to linger on her body that way. But I think *why* they made it like that, besides sadism and shock value, is so even the audience felt his need to undo it and not have that be our last memory of her either.

So yeah... on a gut level, on a story level, it was so satisfying IMO. The goddamn tear of relief and fulfillment falling down his face when he’s holding her again, and he never has to let her go for the rest of his short life. The way that every other Memori scene has led to this. I’ll love you forever, even if we die today. To the anon who asked if you’re a bad person for liking it? You’re a human person responding in the intended way to a love story!!

I like a whole lot of tropes in fictional romances that aren't great or admirable in reality. Is this particular form of attempted “suicide” -- where doing it LITERALLY allowed him to reach her in the mindspace and see the light in her eyes again and spend their last hours/days together in a happy place -- likely to spawn any copycat behavior or ideation? I doubt it, certainly not as much as other triggery crap they’ve done on this show. I'm willing to not worry too hard about whether Memori are Setting a Good Example for how people should react to a loved one's death, and instead be like "Hell yeah those two deserved to go out like Romeo & Juliet, and then be brought back to life just as a bonus anyway.”

It's not REALISM and should not be TREATED as realism, but it was a perfect end to an iconic TV romance where they never could live without each other. That’s where I stand on it right now.

[jawritter]

Broken me...

Ch. 11 1/2.. LOL... The deleted chapter... Because tumblr hates me... 

Summery: The Dallas Convention couldn't have come at a worse time for Jensen. His world fell apart earlier that morning, but was expected to just act like everything was normal. You and a friend were at the convention for her birthday. Life hasn't been that great for you either, but a forced meeting on stage changes two worlds. Will you be able to put this broken man back together again...

Series Warings: Cheating, shitty marriage, Danneel is a bitch, I unfortunatly have to put that as a warning because some people tend to get turnt up about it if you don’t... Smut, Crying, Suiside Attempt, brief discription of suicide attempt and recovery, depression, hints of self loathing, language. I think that’s it... Suicide Trigger warnings will be placed over each chapter!

Chapter Warnings: ***SUICIDE ATTEMPT*** If this kind of thing bothers you!! This might trigger you!! Overdose, brief discription of medicial Intervention because of suicide attempt.. language, angst, this is overall a tough one yall..

Word Count: 2117

A/N: BINGE READ TIME!! As always all mistakes are mine! Please do not copy my work! Feedback is gold!! Hope you all enjoy this one!!

Want More? Check out my masterlist!!

****MASTERLIST****

Your POV:

Things had seemingly gone well at Jensen’s parents. His family all seemed nice enough. Jensen seemed to be enjoying himself as well. He acted like he didn’t want to leave, but the two of you were headed back to Austin for one more night before you both had to fly back to Vancouver for Jensen to start filming.

It was a roughly a three hour drive from Dallas to Austin. Depending on the traffic. Jensen’s upbeat mood he’d been in sense we got to Austin had seemed to be gone from the moment he got back behind the wheel of the car.

He was quiet on the ride home.

Which was a little unsettling.

You tried to shove it off…

‘He’s just tired. He will feel better in the morning.'

So you kept quiet. Giving him his space. Even though you couldn’t shake the feeling deep in the pit of your stomach that said something wasn’t right..

When you both finally walked back through the front door it was late, almost one in the morning, and you were so tired from the events of the day, meeting his family, to the six hour drive round trip, to your own worrying which you knew was probably senseless, that you just wanted to do nothing more than to fall face first into the bed..

“I’m gonna go grab a shower, and then I’m headed to bed.” You tell him, giving him a peck on the check. He smiled tiredly at you. Reaching over and grabbing your waist, pulling you between his long bowed legs as he made himself comfortable on the barstool in the kitchen..

“Okay, I’m gonna stay up a little bit. Wind down from the drive.” He said, placing his head against your stomach, holding on to you as if he let you as if it were the last time he’d ever have you in his arms again…

That seemed odd, but again you brushed it off…

“O… Okay..”

Jensen stands up, wrapping you in his arms, pulling you into a deep passionate kiss. Making your knees go weak. His grip on you a little tighter than it usually was..

“I love y/n.” He says when he finally breaks the kiss. A strange look in his eyes. Like something in him was…

Off…

Wrong…

Broken…

Missing…

Something that wasn’t there when you arrived in Austin just a few days ago, but you had noticed a hint of it at the dinner table today at his parents house….

“I love you too.” You tell him as he let go of you. “You okay?”

Jensen nodded his head and gave you a tight smile.

“Yeah baby I’m fine, go on to bed.”

Looking back over your shoulder as you walk away you yell back at him. “Don’t keep me waiting too long, handsome!"

You hear him chuckle lightly as you head quickly to your shower.

He was fine, surely you were just imagining things, making something out of nothing because you were tired… Or at least that’s what you kept telling yourself as you took your shower.. Your nerves seemed to be buzzing, and you couldn’t quite figure out why…

After your shower you changed into a pair of pj pants, and one of Jensen old shirts. Crawling into bed you laid there for a few minutes.

The house was quiet…

Jensen still hasn’t come to bed…

You couldn’t shake the feeling that something was wrong…

That look, the way he was acting all the way home from Dallas. What he did when you got home…..

Panic rises in your chest like a growing storm…

You’d seen this type of behavior before…

How the hell did you miss it?

Throwing the covers off, and shooting out of the bed, run toward the kitchen where you left Jensen, heart pounding in your ears from panic.

You brother acted this way…The last time you saw him alive…

Right before he took his own life…

No one in your family knows why he did it. He never left a note, but he acted all overly happy two days before the night he left mom’s house. Drunk. Quite. Telling everyone he loved them….

He lost the battle with anxiety and depression that night…

You almost didn’t survive the funeral. The two of you were close. Still you never saw it coming. He never said anything. Depression is a silent killer. You learned that the hard way…

You search the entire bottom floor. Calling his name. He was nowhere to be found. You run out to the pool and backyard. He wasn’t there either. You run back into the house heading to the second floor. You see the light on in JJ’s room. You call his name, but get no answer….

Your heart is beating so fast you think it might explode as you approach the door…

With shaking hands you grab the nob, and open the door, looking around the room at first you think he’s not there either.

Walking around the bed you see a pair of boots and legs sprawled out in an awkward position on the floor. A whiskey bottle and two bottles of pills laying on the floor next to his feet…

………………………………………

Jensen’s POV:

Blackness…

Or at least that’s all that was left, until that annoying beeping started somewhere off in the distance, growing louder and louder with each passing minute..

He could hear voices off in the distance, but he couldn’t quite make out what they were saying..

Many times he’d acted out "his death”. Having played a character for years on TV that had not only died more times than most people could count, but had also gone to hell…Actually he  figured that’s where he’d find himself…

This…. He wasn’t sure what this was…

His throat felt like it had been ripped to pieces from the inside out. He was nauseas as hell. His whole body literally hurt. Every joint. Every muscle.

Maybe I was in hell…

He was afraid to open his eyes. Afraid of where he’d find himself…

The more he came to himself, it felt like someone was holding and rubbing his hand.

‘Y/n?’

‘She’s not dead, this isn’t right, something is wrong?’

Slowly things started coming back to him…

Flashes of what happened after he’d tried to end his own life…

You screaming…

Someone he couldn’t see trying to do CPR on him in what he assumed  was an ambulance…

Really bright lights and a searing pain in his chest as they tried to shock him back on an operating table…

A tub being rammed down his throat, pumping a thick black liquid into him… Then the same tub pulling out the contents of his stomach…

His entire body shaking uncontrollably…

People running around the table he was laying on yelling at each other… Trying to save him……

No this can’t be real. This had to be a nightmare……….

Slowly he opened his eyes for the first time in what was probably days. At first all he could see was blinding light, and blur as his eyes adjusted…

“Jensen!! Jensen!! Look at me baby! Can you hear me?!!"

Hearing you call his name Jensen looked blindly towards the sound of your voice.. You sound panicked… This was his fault… This shouldn’t be.. He’d done this.. He caused this…

He felt your hand on the side of his face as his eyes adjusted, and the invisible, black weight that was holding him down to his bed started to slowly lift. Letting his eyes adjust to your face…

‘Why the hell did I do something so stupid?! How could I hurt her like this?!’

"Jared, he’s awake, get the nurse.” She said, looking across the room to his best friend. Who he heard run toward the door.

“He’s awake!”

Your POV:

“Y/n you need to go back to Jensen’s, and get some sleep.” Jared said ,looking at you like you might drop dead from exhaustion at any moment.

“The doctors said he’s stable, and when he’s ready he will wake up. This is just the body’s way of dealing with the trauma he’s put himself through."

Jared meant well, but you weren’t going anywhere.

"There is no way in hell I’m leaving him. I’m going to be here when he wakes up.” You say through your teeth. Lack of sleep makes you easily annoyed.

It had been two days since you found Jensen in his daughter’s room. He still hadn’t woken up. The doctors all swear that he will when he’s ready. Part of you feels guilty that you couldn’t see the signs that were right there in front of you. You were kicking yourself for leaving him and going to bed that night. So you were determined to be there when he finally was ready to wake up again.

That, and everytime you close your eyes you see his body seizing on the ER room gurney…

Doctor holding him down, and shoving tubs filled with charol down his throat…

They had to pump his stomach to make sure all the stuff he’d swallowed was not in him anymore…

Three more minutes, if you had just laid there for three more minutes in bed that night before getting up to go and find him, it would have been too late…

You grabbed his hand like you had done countless times in the past two days. Running small circles across his hand with your thumb.

For just a moment you thought you saw his face twitch, but you were probably just imagining things. The longer you sat there watching him, ignoring Jared complaining something about how you were no good to Jensen if you had to be hospitalized yourself.. The more you thought you could see movement…

All the sudden like you had been praying they’d do for a little over 48 hours now Jensen’s eyes fluttered open and searched around the room blindly.

Shooting to your feet so fast that the chair you were sitting shoved back you placed your hand on the side of his face..

“Jensen! Jensen! Look at me baby can you hear me?!"

His eyes rolled back into his head before refocusing several times, fighting to stay continuous as he searched for you, and when he finally found you tears were already streaming out of his bloodshot eyes. Jared was standing frozen next to the window on the opposite side of the room in just as much shock it seemed as you were..

"Jared, he’s awake! Go get the nurse!” You said, afraid to take your eyes off of Jensen, not knowing if he was in pain or not.

His mouth moved, but no sound came out, and you started to panic.

Finally it hit you.

He’s probably hoarse from the tubes.

You grabbed the glass with a straw in it that was sitting on his tray, and poured it into the cup. Sitting the bed up some you put the straw to his lips, and he turned his head away from it..

“Come on baby please! It will help.” You said, and he looked at you like you’d asked him to walk across hot coals.

Then reluctantly put the straw in his mouth. Taking a small test pull at first. Then taking deep pulls on the straw. Realizing how thirsty he actually was. When it was gone he finally croaked the word “more” out. You quickly refilled the glass, and put it back to his lips. Watching him closely as Jared ran back into the room with about four nurses.

“Good. Your drinking. How are you feeling Mr. Ackles?” The charge nurse asked. Checking his vitals and the monitors that were next to the bed.

He said nothing. Just sat there with a death grip on your hand and staring at his lap.

“Mr. Ackles, do you remember how you got here?” She asked, and he only nodded his head yes.

You’d never seen him so down…

So defeated…

It was heartbreaking…

“Well, because of what you did you are being placed on a 48 hour suicide watch before you are released to your care takers. You will be required by law to see a therapist. Since it’s illegal to kill yourself your also looking at a pretty hefty fine I’m sure.” She went on telling him what he had to face in the next 48 hours.. Once it had been settled that he was no longer with Danneel, and he signed the papers putting you as his support system, and caretaker for the extended future, or at least until he was cleared by the therapist. She finally left the room with the other nurses, leaving the three of you alone..

He just sat there. Still clinging to your hand, and not looking at you or Jared in the eye. No matter what you said or asked him. The hospital staff came every hour to check on him, and there was a nurse sitting at a desk outside his door.

Jared went and got his favorite takeout, and brought it back to Jensen and yourself before leaving for the evening to help Gen and the babysitter in hope that he’d eat, but he wasn’t really all that interested, and after a few bites gave up completely on eating it…

Everytime Jared asked Jensen why he wouldn’t talk he’d just point to his throat. So neither of you wanted to press the matter. Afraid it would hurt him worse than help him…

Once Jared was gone Jensen looked at you sitting in the chair next to his bed. Tears running down his face again. The look of someone that was being torched alive.

“I’m so sorry…” He finally got out. His voice so hoarse it was almost a whisper.

You were on you feet in an instant. Dropping the side rail on the bed. He slid over for you to slide  in next to him.

He immediately put his head on your shoulder.

Exhausted, broken, and defeated.

Three things he should have never been.

“There isn’t a damn thing you need to be sorry about.” You tell him. Running your hands through his hair. Grateful that you were still able to do this. That you could still reach up, and run your hands through his hair. Touch his face. Feel his breath on your neck.

"I love you Jensen. I’m gonna be right here with you the whole way through this.” You tell him as he nuzzles himself into the bend of your neck.

“I love you to y/n. Please, please don’t give up on me."

Exhaustion was hitting him. Sleep trying to reclaim him. He’d been awake for a long time. You didn’t realize it was almost midnight until you looked at the TV playing silently in the corner..

"I’m not going anywhere, and there is no way in hell I’ll ever give up on you.”

Jensen’s POV:

The biggest mistake he’d ever made in his life still wasn’t an accurate excuse for what he felt like he’d done.. He’d let hurt feelings, fear, and depression lie to him. Convince him that you’d be better off without him..

He felt like he was Drowning.

The little voice in his head telling him over and over again that you’d be better off if he’d never come into your life.. Never came and knocked on your hotel door.. Never pulled you up on that stage.. .

At least then you’d be able to have a normal life.

A life without people stalking.

Taking pictures of your every move.

Social media attacks.

All those things you never deserved.

He’d never get his kids back from Danneel.

He’d always be broken.

Like a Drowning person with no hope he thought he’d find his relief in death. That way the suffocating pain would stop.

In truth it wouldn’t have stopped. He would have just passed it on to his kids, you, Jared, and everyone else that loves him. The scars inside him are permanently there, but that doesn’t mean he can ever give up again. He can never stop fighting. People he loves counted on him to keep going, even when he didn’t want too…

As he fell asleep in your arms he thanked God for another chance.

He knows this battle within himself isn’t over. It’s just beginning to even surface, but at least he knows for sure now that he’s not alone.

You said you’d never leave him. No one has ever said that before and meant it.

He knows though that you mean it.

He will make it up to you for doing this to you. He felt like he owed you his  very life. If you’d just gone to bed, and not come looking for him. He would have lost everything.

The thought of losing you is something he never wants to face again, especially at his own hand…

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[surveys-at-your-service]

Survey #457

“blue are the words i say and what i think  /  blue are the feelings that live inside of me”

Do you buy your lingerie at Victoria’s Secret? No. That shit is so overpriced and not for my size group. Would you ever use an online dating service? I never would again. Are you good at multitasking? ABSOLUTELY NOT. Have you ever eaten Frosted Mini Wheats? Ugh, those are so gross. What does your bikini look like? You think THIS bitch wears a bikini??????????????????????? Does age really matter in a relationship? To an extent, yes. How much does the last person you kissed mean to you? I honestly don't even know if I'd be here without her. Almost like magic, Sara popped back into my life right after I returned home from the hospital following my suicide attempt. She helped make recovery possible as a solid source of support. Do you use lotion? Not NEARLY enough. My skin is so dry; I need to. Do you believe in teenage love? I experienced it deeply and thoroughly, so yes. Have you ever sat on the roof of your house? No. Do you like Sublime? I like that one popular one of theirs. "Santaria" or whatever it's called? What’s your favorite movie genre? Paranormal horror, especially the "found footage" type. It's creepy to imagine it being actually real. Is there a celebrity that you’d be willing to have a one night stand with? If he was single? I know in my gut I would lmaooooo Do you want to live in your current town the rest of your life? OH MY GOD PLEASE NO If you found out today your best friend was gay what would you do? She's demisexual, so. She can like anybody. If you could get a pet for free today-what kind/what name? A tegu, because it wouldn't need an enclosure that I don't have. I'd let it free roam. God, I can only imagine Roman's reaction. How many people have you slept with? If you mean what I think you do by "slept," one. Do you ever wish you had a family business to become a part of? Not really. What’s the most gruesome way you could come up with to kill someone? Hunny, have you seen my dark RP????? The world best be glad I'm a pacifist lmfao Do you think anyone deserves to die that way? I don't believe in torture, so no. If you had to fight for survival, what would your weapon of choice be? A gun, I guess? I'd want something with range and that's quick. I wanted to say a bow and arrow, but preparing another arrow after shooting once could really cost you your life. Where did you buy your favorite pair of jeans? I don't wear jeans anymore. Do you have a large dog? We don't have a dog, period. If not, are you afraid of them? No, I love big 'ole puppos!!!!! I just don't wanna own a dog myself. Are you good at playing darts? Holy fuck no, I have NO hand-eye coordination. I once stabbed the guy at a balloon popping booth thing with a dart in the arm, if that tells you anything, ooooooooooof. Do you like breaded chicken sandwiches? YESSSSSSSSS omg Do your parents know that/if you smoke? They know that I don’t. Have you ever been under a blacklight? Omg so in elementary school, we did this thing once where we all washed our hands as best we could and then put them under some sort of light (maybe a blacklight, idk???) to see JUST how resilient germs are. You gotta scrub the fuck out ya hands, people. How many pounds do you want to lose? I'd rather not share a number, but a lot. What’s your favorite natural phenomenon? The Northern Lights. Do you snore? Very surprisingly for someone with sleep apnea like mine, I actually don't. How many people do you know with the same first name as you? Off the very top of my head, one, but it's spelled differently. I KNOW I know of a shitload more Brittanys, though. Is it possible you could be pregnant? Well, I haven't been intimate with a man in years and just finished my period, so like- Could you go a day without texting? I go most days without texting. Do you have a step-parent? My dad is remarried, so yes. If so, do you get along with them? She's EXTREMELY Christian, so her beliefs wildly disagree with mine, but I keep my mouth shut a lot just to keep the peace. She IS a very sweet woman, nevertheless, and am glad she and my dad are so happy together. Does your current/last job require that you wear a uniform? My last job (which lasted not even two hours lol) did. When will your driver’s license expire? My permit has been expired for like... two years. Do you live in an apartment? No. If the last person you kissed proposed to you what would you say? That's too wild a concept to even imagine. I'd probably ask if she was okay lmao. Would you ever get back with one of your exes? Weeeelp, I want to get back together with Girt. Pretty badly. Write a foreign word, and what it means: "Schadenfreude" is a German term that essentially means secondhand embarrassment, but it doesn't have a perfect translation. Is there an ex you think about everyday? Inevitably. That's PTSD, my friends. Who is the last person that you said I love you to, besides family members? Sara. What's the worst thing you have ever said to anyone? Something along the lines of "no one could ever love you like I do." It boils my blood just typing that; I considered even deleting this question. That quote right there is fucking manipulation, even IF I thoroughly believed it. Who was the last person to comment one of your pictures? I don't feel like looking. Do you tend to go for older or younger when looking for someone to date? It's weird, I'm into slightly older-than-me guys, but probably girls who are barely a bit younger than me. Have you ever been used? I don't think so. Have you ever not been able to get someone out of your head? Like I've said in plenty of surveys: Jason is probably a permanent fixture. But also as of the past two days, Girt's been living up there. I went from "hmmm I just don't know how I feel" to "FUCK I want to talk to him about how stupidly into him I am right this fucking INSTANT" pretty goddamn fast. It kinda scares me just because of how extreme my feelings are. Again. That's only ever gotten me hurt. Buuuut let's not get into that. Have you ever got caught cheating on a test? No, because I've never tried to. Will your next kiss be a mistake? I hope it won't be. But it's not like I know the future. Have you ever worn an oxygen mask? Actually yes, when I was young and thought I was having an asthma attack or something. Mom had one for her own asthma. Then I obviously wore one for surgery. What song do you want to be played at your funeral? "Paradise" by Coldplay is absolutely #1. How many swear words are in the song you’re listening to? I'm not listening to music; I'm back to watching Gab play Sekiro. What color was the last swimsuit you wore? Black. Have you ever kissed anyone of the same sex, and if so, who? Yeah, just Sara. Who did you last tell to ‘shut up’? Ha, I think my WoW friend Lyndsey, but only playfully, of course. We pick fun at each other all the time. Would you ever get a tattoo of a boyfriend/girlfriend's name? NOOOOOOOOO. Are you one of those girls who already have baby names picked out? I know what I'd name my kids IF I actually wanted any, yeah, but I don't. Do you think guys with long hair are attractive? Yessss, I love long hair on guys. Are any of your siblings taller than you? I think Ashley is a liiiiil bit taller? I know my brother is, for sure. Have you ever scared someone so badly that they cried? Yikes, no. When was the last time you wore high heels? Boy oh boy, no idea. Is there someone that you want to hurt right now? Jeez, no thanks. What was the most interesting or colorful birthday cake you’ve had? I don't remember, but I'm sure something from childhood. What was the last thing someone bought you? Was it expensive? Mom bought me food from McD's, which obviously isn't expensive. Do you have any interesting moles anywhere you don’t want people to know of? No. Have you ever gotten high or drunk in a really formal place? Strong "no" there. Do you ever write poetry and post it on any certain websites? On the very rare occasion I write poetry and actually like it, I'll sometimes post it on dA. What do you miss most about your childhood? Actually, genuinely having fun and not dealing with fucking anhedonia. Would you like to know the precise date of your future death? Hell no. Do you photograph well? I'd like to hope so. Are there any animals you flat out refuse to touch? Maggots and similar bug larvae. What super power would you refuse, if it was offered to you, and why? Mind reading. It just sounds... awful and overwhelming. What’s your favorite discontinued product that you wish would come back? Oh, I KNOW I have answers to this, just none are coming to me immediately and I don't feel like sitting here for five minutes thinking about it. If adults had show and tell, what would you bring into work? My snek! :') If you had a reset button for the last 10 years, would you press it? Tempting, but... I don't think I would. I cannot go through how deep my depression was again. Who is someone you would never swear in front of? My nieces and nephew. Yes, I don't believe in profanity being a "thing" and is just a stupid human fabrication, but nevertheless I acknowledge societal standards and expectations, and they're way too young to get when you shouldn't say something like that and why. Have you ever won a contest or competition? A few. Who is your favorite TV character? I don't think I really have one? Do you coo over other people’s babies? Not really, no. Sometimes I'll think they're super cute and be like "awww," but I don't like... squeal and spaz like some people do. What is something that makes you very squeamish? VOMIT. Has there been a celebrity death that really affected you? Steve Irwin got me deeper than anyone else. Chester Bennington hit real hard, too. If you’re out of high school, have you stayed in touch with your high school friends? If you’re still in school, do you think you will? Most of my closest ones, yes, at least via Facebook. What’s a movie that you want to see? Old movie, but Jacob's Ladder. It was a massive influence on Silent Hill, so naturally, I'll probably love it. It's a classic, anyway. Do you use the same username everywhere online or do you have a lot? I use "Ozzkat" in most places, but I do have some other ones for different sites. Who was the last person you know who became pregnant? My friend Ana recently revealed she's expecting her second child, a boy. What fad were you actually into? I have zero clue. Have you ever tailgated? Would you want to? Fuck no. That's how so many wrecks happen. My sister legit got in a wreck with an 18-wheeler mostly because she was tailgating (which she does BADLY); she was trying to pass, and he moved over at the same time because he couldn't see her coming around. It's a borderline miracle she got out with only some cuts, bruises, and a seatbelt burn. Have patience, people. Get off cars' asses. Why did you fall for the last person romantically? Look, don't get me started on this. There are a shitload of reasons and I have been way too emotional over this the past few days laksdfja;lwke What’s the last thing you had to eat? A bagel w/ cream cheese for breakfast. Do you ever pick up your house phone? We don't have a landline phone. Truth be told, are you more into looks or personalities the most? Personalities, for sure. I cannot be into you if your personality isn't attractive.

[thatguywiththecoydog]

The Bad Seed (1956)

Spoilers below.

Warning: There are some themes in this post that might make some people feel uncomfortable. I will be discussing themes of suicide, murder, and antisocial personality disorder. Not to mention, there are a lot of violent descriptions that I go into detail about. If these are subjects that bother you on an emotional level, please have some discretion upon reading this.

I recently watched The Bad Seed from Warner Bros. released in 1956. This movie is based on the book and play of the same name.

The plot (major spoilers start at paragraph 2):

The movie starts off normally enough with the Penmark family living their everyday life. Kenneth, the man of the house, is stationed off on military duty, leaving his wife, Christine, and his eight-year-old daughter, Rhoda, at home. Rhoda's reputation at the apartment she lives at is a good one, as both her mother and the landlady, Monica, adore her and everything she does.

One day, Rhoda leaves for a school picnic at the lake and everything is as it should. Meanwhile, Christine is having lunch with the other people in the building when she gets a rather disturbing message from the radio. A child in Rhoda's class has just drowned in the lake. This ends up being a boy named Claude. Claude had previously won a penmanship medal that Rhoda was also competing for.

Rhoda says this on various occasions, "That medal was really mine."

Rhoda comes home unfazed by what happened, which is a bit off-putting to Christine. Even stranger, Rhoda seems to be in high spirits after the whole situation.

The next day, Rhoda's teacher, Miss Fern, comes by to explain to Christine that Rhoda was the last person to see Claude alive, suspecting that she may have had a hand in his death. She also explains that the penmanship medal disappeared from Claude's person, who had the medal with him that day. Miss Fern links these two events to Rhoda because she was seen trying to snatch the medal for herself the morning of the murder, reportedly, until Claude cried.

As things are getting tenser between Christine and Miss Fern, even to the point of expelling Rhoda, Claude's parents burst into the front door. His mother, drunk and distraught, and his father, trying to stop her. Claude's mother, again, accuses Rhoda of having a hand in her son's death.

Christine does not believe that her daughter could have done such a thing as murdering a classmate over a medal until she discovers the penmanship medal in Rhoda's room. She then questions her about why she had the medal and if she knew anything about Claude's death. After a lot of back-and-forth between the two, Rhoda says that she bought the medal off him for 50 cents. Christine does not believe that story and is overall, pretty dubious of Rhoda at this point.

That night, Christine's father visits. Along with him, is a doctor who explains to both of them that there is a new (for the time) study that homicidal tendencies can be passed on through genes. These actions can apparently start at a young age. As he leaves, Christine looks a bit panicked.

Being troubled by some sort of nightmare or memory that has plagued her since childhood, Christine explains this to her father who is shocked to hear that from her. The memory involves her running away from home as a toddler because she suspects that her mother had murdered her brother. This prods her father to tell Christine that he "adopted" her. She was found as a toddler at a house nearby to one of a notorious serial killer.

After her father leaves, Christine worries even more that Rhoda has killed Claude, if the study the doctor was anything to go by. She begins to suspect that Rhoda has genes that give her homicidal tendencies. At that moment, Christine catches Rhoda attempting to dispose of her shoes. After more severe questioning, this finally gets Rhoda to confess that she had killed Claude with the shoes. Christine, now distraught, tells her to put her shoes in the incinerator where they will be burned.

The next morning, the apartment caretaker, Leroy, teases Rhoda that she killed Claude, somehow ironically guessing he was whacked into the water. After how defensive Rhoda got about it, especially with how he guessed that he whacked him with a pair of shoes, Leroy goes down to check the incinerator, only to find the remains of a pair of shoes. Rattled that Leroy knows too much, Rhoda gets a match and lights his bed of excelsior on fire before he goes down there and locks himself in.

Meanwhile Christine, once again, is attempting to calm down Claude's mother from her drunken rage. After she leaves, Monica comes to see Christine. After some conversation, they hear some commotion from outside. They look out the window to hear Leroy is screaming trying to escape his cellar room, which is now on fire. Two other men get him out, but not on time. He runs around the lawn screaming and on fire (this happens all off-screen). He finally silences, collapses, and dies.

This sends Christine into a large, hysterical depression. That night, Christine throws the medal back into the lake and tells this to Rhoda. After this, Christine grinds a lethal amount of sleeping pills into a glass of water for Rhoda, which she drinks. As she is carrying her to bed, Christine mutters, "Nobody can save you from that [being taken away and "shut up"] unless I save you, so sleep well and dream well, my only child and the one I love. I shall sleep too." She then walks out of Rhoda's room and into her own. As the screen fades to black, we hear a gunshot and a thud. Christine had shot herself in the head.

They are taken to the hospital promptly after neighbors hear their neighbors hear the gun. They both survive. While Rhoda was completely better after a few hours, Christine was in a coma, with little to no chance of surviving.

After getting home with Kenneth, Rhoda is put straight to bed. Kenneth then gets a call from the doctor, saying that Christine has miraculously survived the shot, with a shot of her being conscious, but bandaged up.

After hearing that her father is asleep, she puts on her raincoat and leaves the house into the pouring rain. She goes to the lake to try to fish out the medal that Christine had thrown into the lake. As fate would have it, Rhoda is struck by lightning. This is where the movie ends.

My thoughts:

I think many people would overlook this movie, seeing as it is a black and white film from the 1950s. However, I would say that this movie does deserve a watch if you can find it. Even with the spoilers I gave, there was a lot I left out, so you could still enjoy it, even if you read through the entire plot. I was able to watch it using TV on-demand services, as Turner Classic Movies (TCM) has it available as of now ad-free.

Here's a list of what I think the movie does right:

It really thinks ahead with its depiction of mental insanity and how it can be passed down through genetics. Most people in the 1950s would usually say that murderers with some sort of mental disorder come from a bad environment alone and that they would not be influenced by their heritage. Modern 2021 science tells us that mental disorders are just as likely to come from genetics as well as environment. I think that is really forward-thinking of the authors of the original book and play, as well as the directors of this movie opting to keep that detail in-tact.

The acting is phenomenal. You can get almost sucked in completely by how great the actors portray their roles. You can feel your heart sink when you hear Leroy screaming in pain and you can also feel a lot of emotions coming on during Christine's depression.

The use of background music is great. All of the music heard in the background really matches the tone of the scene it is playing on.

The movie will sometimes break up the tension with a bit of comedy, so it isn't all doom and gloom.

There are a lot of twists and turns throughout the movie, which I will not share again if you skipped over the plot section. The movie really does make you think about the characters and their situation and what they are going to do next.

Now. Here's a list of what the movie did not as good and how they could have fixed it:

The movie starts off very slow. This could put some people off from watching it when the ending of the movie I could consider to be a classic film masterpiece. I think if there was less filler at the beginning (there's a good 20 minutes before the actual plot begins), the pacing would feel a bit faster.

Overall, I would probably give this movie a solid 9 out of 10. I definitely recommend you give it a watch, especially if you are into old psychological horror movies, or even if you are interested in psychology or sociology.

[justfangrlshit]

Extracurricular rant, because its fucking great.

[Spoilers ahead]

So, first of all, I loooove all the characters because they have that fundamental quality I love in tv shows : they are totally fucked up and flawed.

In a perfect world, maybe jisoo, gyuri and minhee would never have ended up caught up in all this shit, but hey life sucks.

One thing i loved was how you can almost see the point till which jisoo might actually be innocent, but as he begins to cross that line bit by bit, the consequences of his actions become too much. Like in the beginning, he is only guilty of participating in an illegal act, but essentially he is only helping the women. But then it gives minhee PTSD and that's when things start to go to hell. From there it's a gradual decline as his business gets sloppy, police get involved and eventually he gets caught up in the gang, which ends up in some real issues. But the real point where jisoo loses his innocence, for me, is the last episode when he leaves minhee to die to save himself, and his self preservation has been shown to slowly develop throughout the show. Minhee is right, if he hadn't convinced her to come clean, a lot of shit might not have happened, but his situation wouldn't have been much better either.

I don't think this makes him a bad character though, despite being sensitive and clumsy, it's his meticulousness and coldness in these small places that makes him a criminal. He couldn't have been running a prostitution business without those qualities.

Now gyuri, well it's safe to say she's intensely fucked up, but i personally think even if she hadn't stolen Jisoo's phone, things would have gone to shit anyway. I mean the kid carries his criminal phone to school and barely protects it, and thinks carrying all his money around is safe for gods sake. He has the nerve and steel to do what it takes, but in the end he isn't a criminal born, he is one due to cruelty and circumstances. But he's isn't careful, because he thinks he doesn't need to be, and this eventually would have gotten him in trouble even without gyuri's involvement.

Coming to gyuri again, she's obviously facing a lot of non physical abuse at home, what with her mom not treating her suicide attempts at all seriously, and the general family dynamics. Her situation doesn't forgive her actions though, she is still way more unfeeling than jisoo, she gets tangled up in this completely voluntarily, to feel something, for a quick fix of adrenaline, having no difficulty in ignoring the pain she might be causing other people or the consequences of her actions. Jisoo is different from her about this in the beginning, but toward the end, even his self preservation wins out, although in his case it's born due to his need to survive.

I still really like gyuri, for her steel and cunning, she's definitely not even close to perfect, and might be lowkey psychopathic, but she is smart as hell and she has more of a criminal nature in her than jisoo.

I also liked how it wasn't romantic, the relationships developed seem completely natural. Like jisoo and gyuri have some odd attraction going on, but it's only after they are high on adrenaline and going through hell together it barely seeps through to the surface. And I loved minhee and Mr. Lee, they were so cute, and their constant spats and fights also make them endearing. I would've liked a little more background on Mr. Lee though, his character is interesting and well defined, but we don't have much of a chance to see how he becomes who he is.

Also I have to say, considering the fact that they are high school kids with zero experience in crime other than being extraordinarily smart, it actually makes sense for so much shit to go wrong, I wouldn't call it completely realistic, but most of what ends up happening is understandable. Also there are these moments where this show is sooo uncomfortable, but its like you need to feel that emotion to really understand what is happening.

Over all, the show is brilliant, the acting is fucking phenomenal, and the plot is engaging.

[uncloseted]

MASSIVE TW - SUICIDE, DEATH, DIFFERENT TYPES OF SUICIDE EXETRA

i wanna die. i’m going to do this no matter what anyone says and nothing can change my mind. i’ve looked at family photos, talked to the few friends i have that don’t even care about me ect and nothing is changing the fact that i am going to kill my self and i’m sorry for asking you this i really am but do you think overdose or a hanging will be easier on not only me but it also who finds me

I’ve been thinking a lot about whether to answer this question, or how to answer this question, or what the right thing to say or do is.  I’m not a mental health professional.  I’m not a doctor, I’m not a therapist, or a counselor, or a social worker, or someone who studied psychology.  I’ve never even worked at a crisis hotline.  I’m just someone who listens to people talk about their problems on the internet and sometimes, if I can, tries to help.  But at the same time, I don’t want to be another person who you feel doesn’t care about you.  You may not believe it right now, but I do care.  I care about each and every one of you so very much, and I can’t stand the thought of any one of you suffering.  So I want to answer.  I want to be able to help.

First things first, please, please call a suicide crisis line (you can find your country’s crisis number here: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_suicide_crisis_lines, and some also have a texting option).  The people who answer those calls are trained to be able to help you, and they’re an incredible resource.  They are always free and confidential.  You can also go to an emergency room (or call 911 for a person trained in suicide prevention to come to you) when you’re feeling suicidal; they’ll be able to get you counseling right away, and help you come up with a long term plan for feeling better.  If you can, I would also suggest talking to a family member, teacher, or other adult that you trust about what you’re feeling.  They can get you in touch with a therapist or doctor. 

Please consider seeking help. There are lots of different things that can help people who feel depressed or suicidal, and I think it’s worth giving them a chance. The worst that happens is the help doesn’t work and you’re back where you started.  The best that happens is you start seeing all the reasons there are to live, and you prevented yourself for making a permanent decision to a temporary problem.  And it is a temporary problem- one of the most common things that survivors of suicide say is that they immediately regretted it once they began their attempt.  Over 90% of people who have survived a suicide attempt don’t end up killing themselves later.  In my own life, I’ve seen this to be true- not a single one of my friends who have been suicidal still feel that way now.  None of them are even depressed; they’ve all found solutions that work for them, whether that’s lifestyle changes or therapy or SSRIs or experimental ketamine, shroom, MDMA, or TMS treatments.  Depression isn’t a state of being, a weakness, or a moral failing.  It’s a disease.  And just like any other illness, it deserves to be taken seriously and to be treated.  There is something out there that will work for you.  The situation is not hopeless, and you are not helpless.

I know it doesn’t seem like it now, because your depression is preventing you from being able to see the way out, but things can and will get better.  I know the world feels really bleak at this moment in time, but this time will pass.  The virus will end, the world will open up again, we’ll be able to go places and experience new things and meet new people who love us more than we’ve ever been loved before and fall in love and find people to care about and pursue passions and rebuild the world to be a better place.  Already, there is so much hope if you look for it.  The virus has shown the dark side of our world, yes, but it’s also shown how many people will make incredible sacrifices for the sake of others.  Even in the darkest of times, there are always people who care and who love. 

And there are always reasons to stay alive.  They don’t have to be big reasons.  They can be small, silly reasons, like wanting to see the next episode of a TV show you’ve been watching or a movie you saw a preview for, or wanting to go to the beach again, or that really good burger you had at the diner that’s closed for the next few months, or finishing that book you’ve been reading, or going to a concert for your favorite band, or staying up until the sunrise talking to someone you care about.  They can be big things, like wanting to finish a project or see a particular country or falling in love or helping other people.  Hell, they can even be petty.  Maybe there’s someone you want to prove wrong about you.  That’s enough to stick around for in my opinion.

To answer your actual question, the answer is neither, especially for the person who would find you.  That person will carry around that trauma for the rest of their lives.  They’ll feel heartbroken and guilty and wonder what they could have done differently to help you.  They’ll miss you.  There’s no way you can lessen that pain for them.  I’m not saying this to make you feel guilty; it’s just the truth of the situation, and I think it’s important for you to know that.

I dunno.  Like I said, I don’t really know what the right thing to say is.  But I really do care and hope that you’ll be okay.  I hope that you’ll give things another try.  I hope that I’ve helped you think about things differently at least a little bit.