#ik many people are able to leave this dark place of being suicidal but

[mobvla]

watching ‘the sea inside’ for philosophy class and im SO fed up of this “no but life is worth it!!!!!!!!!!!!” for you maybe, not for some so shut the fuck up and stop trying to impose YOUR view on life onto others????????????

[everlarkbirthdaygifts]

Happy Birthday, jobanana7!

Today, we wish a very Happy Birthday to @jobanana7! We hope you had a wonderful day, and got just exactly the presents you wanted. To end your special day with a flourish, the lovely @mega-aulover has written a story just for you!

PROMPT: I would love a little story that talks about mental illness, ik is kinda weird but I would love to see like a growing back together after dealing with the process of going and dealing with a mental illness?? Idk of that makes sense. But I would love that. Thanks!!!!!-Jobanana7

RATING/WARNINGS:  Rated T / Cannon Growing Angst- Trigger Warning mentions of suicide

A/N:

●       Special thanks to @Booksrocksmyface for her guidance, encouragement and beta skills.

●       Feliz Cumpleaños  to @Jobanana7 Espero que tengas un día maravilloso! I hope I did justice to the prompt.

Fractured Glass:

1st Year Together:

A scream pierced the night air. Peeta gripped the pillow in his hand. He twisted it as he listened to Katniss’s blood curdling cries. Swaying back and forth, he put his hands to his ears to block out her screams. He can’t listen to her anymore, cannot hear her hurting. But as much as he wanted to go to her, to comfort her, Peeta was emotionally paralyzed, he wasn’t right just yet. Yesterday he had his worst episode, he’d held on to the back of the chair until it splintered in his hands.

“My name is Peeta Mellark, I am eighteen years old. I survived two Hunger Games,” he whispered to himself. “I live in district twelve. Snow is dead, and can’t hurt me.” He repeated the mantra Dr. Aurelius taught him to keep himself from having a hijacked episode. His breathing is ragged, and is holding onto reality by a thread.  “I am not a mutt. I am no longer a piece in their games. I am safe.”

His lips quivered as he tried to speak the next sentence, but he choked on his words. “Katniss is not a mutt,” his fists curled up as he pictured Katniss covered in flames. “She is not the enemy. I once loved her.”

 His mind breaks and he shakes from the violent images that began filling his brain. Katniss’s face contorts into a fierce demonic creature, pure fear raced through his body.

 “It’s not real, it’s not real,” he whispered to himself over and over again. He uses one of the memories he knows to be true.

 Tears fell from his eyes.  Peeta conjured up in his mind the girl with the twin braids and the voice of an angel. He could clearly visualize her in the red dress, the shiny mary-jane shoes, rosey cheeks, and innocent eyes. His attack slowly ebbed away as he was able to distinguish the shiny Capitol memories from the real ones.

 He didn’t go to her but Peeta vowed he would, one day.

 Second Year Together:

 Peeta stood at the entrance of the bedroom, he ran his hands through his hair.  After a year of slowly becoming friends once more, they decided to try sharing a bed. His mind flashed to the footage he’d seen of his hijacked self choking Katniss.  His breathing became labored and he opens and closes his fits to keep control.

 “Katniss, I don’t know if this is a good idea.”

 Her face fell, he could see it in her expressive eyes, how much she needed him. Katniss always kept her guard up, she only allowed him to see straight into her soul. He closed his eyes and pictured her at eleven, sitting by the empty trash bins. The icy slush could have killed her but didn’t. It was that vacant look, as death crept into her bones that he saw, that drove him to throw her the bread. He’d been willing to get a beating for it.

 He couldn’t let her die then, and it still stands true today. However, he couldn’t do this with her tonight, Peeta was too afraid of physically hurting her. His mind was still like fragmented pieces of glass. Unable to look at her, he turned around to leave.

 “Peeta.”

 Her voice was desperate, it caused him to pause his retreat.

 “You can stay in my mom’s old bedroom it’s just down the hall.” Her voice was hoarse. He turned around and saw she was combatting tears. “I just need you to be near, will you allow that?”

 It was a solution that sounded too good to be true, but one he could live with.  “I could do that.”

 “Okay.” Katniss nodded. “I’ll go fix up the room for you Peeta.”

 She pushed herself against the door jam as she slid by him. He was thankful she didn’t touch him. Right now touching, holding, intimate things were beyond his scope.

  That night neither one could sleep. He was worried that he would get up and hurt her. And she feared  the nightly terrors that plagued her sleep. They ended up downstairs. He made bread, she watched him, and in the morning they finally fell asleep sitting on the sofa sitting beside each other.

 Peeta thought to himself this was a great start, they were at least under the same roof.

 Six months later:

Katniss was moving in with him. She’d had her worst episode yet, she tried to cut her wrists. Katniss had gone inside of her sister’s room chasing the cat. Being in her sisters room triggered her nervous breakdown. Dr. Aurelius suggested she move in with Peeta as there weren’t any triggers at his house.

 All that Katniss brought with her was her bow, the game bag with a  few pieces of clothing, the plant book,  and the memory book they’d made. Trailing behind her was that ugly, mangy cat who took off when he saw some of Haymitch’s geese.

 That night Peeta was in his room, counting down until the moment his eyes slid shut, and the nightly terrors to start.  He’s left the door opened just in case she needs him. He closes his eyes and when he awakes he sees a slight figure standing by the foot of his bed.

 Katniss stands with her head cast low, her dark hair covering her face. He can see her hands are klutched together.

 “Peeta.”

 Her voice sounds scared and child like. Peeta realizes she's just as broken as he is. He lifts the blanket and she climbs into bed with him. He holds her trembling form. He vows they will never sleep apart.

 3rd Year Together:

 Sleeping together has helped them both. They comfort each other during the night as they face the onslaught of horrific memories and Capitol-spun lies.

 They've become inseparable. During their joint therapy sessions with the doctor, they've learned the art of communication. He talks. she listens, her hand grips his, and her eyes reflect the care she feels for him. When she speaks, her words are few, but Peeta makes sure to be attentive and supportive.

 Katniss isn't a talker she's much more of a doer, she acts on instinct. Peeta acknowledges he’s the one with the words, he is also a planner.  Lately he's been speaking about the bakery, and the idea of possibly starting one again. He feels if he can have the same land then he can somehow have a piece of his family, of his old self back.

 Unannounced, Katniss went out and filled out the paperwork to reclaim his family's old plot in town. She handed him the documents and told him, “For when you're ready.”

 Peeta cried. She gave him back his family. He discovered he needs her strengths.

 They've fallen into a routine: she hunts and he bakes.  They take tentative steps every day as the doctor has ordered. They keep a journal of the good things and read it every night before they go to bed to remind them that life can be good.

 His episodes don't last as long and the frequency diminished.  He's able to see the girl who used to trade with his father at the back of the bakery. A shy girl, a smart girl, a girl that many people looked up to, including himself.

 “Peeta.”

 Her soft voice brings him out if his wanderings.   His face contorts to make a smile. Peeta watches in awe as a blush blooms on her cheeks. He relaxes and his smile widens even more when he sees the shy glittering glance she gives him.  Just like she did whenever she came to trade. Peeta notices how his hearts melts, and his hands shake not from fear but from the rush of emotions.

 That night as they share a bed, he wonders if he's falling in love with her.  He questions if it is even possible for his hijacked mind to fall in love with a creature he was conditioned to fear. His heart tells him yes.

 4th Year Together:

 Peeta rushed home from the main part of town. He saw the lightning race in the clouds ahead right before he heard the roar of thunder. He hurried his steps, he needed to get home quickly. The lightning illuminated his steps as he made his way through the darkened path to the Victors Village. The clap of thunder caused him to run.

 Thunder is one of Katniss’s triggers. The noise reminds her of all of the awful things she suffered in her past, the death of her father, in her fractured mind the noise of the explosive Gale made when it took her sister Prim’s life, and it was also the cannon of the arena and the explosion she experienced right before they were separated and he was captured by the Capitol.

 “Katniss,” he shouts into the still house. Closing the door he runs up the stairs toward her safe place. The closest in is his studio.

 Everything's been going well between them. They were growing closer emotionally, romantically and physically. With each passing day they grew more intimate with the other but they were not ready to make the jump to make love, he often stopped short because not only was Katniss not ready he wasn’t either. The intensity between them was like blinding white light and he often slipped out of bed to take care of his hard-on.  

 It started with a shy kiss on the cheek. It developed to tender brushes on lips when they parted for the day. One day those soft shy brushes deepened. Soon lips parted, tasted and suckled. Kisses that made his heart fly and his hands shly wonder. Kisses that heated his skin. Kisses that inspired him to think of more than just innocent platonic meanderings, these were riveting thoughts like bright emotional colors on the canvas of his soul.

 Today he’d been in town finalizing the bakery drawings with the architect when he saw the storm clouds roll in from the window. He made it to the house just as the rain fell, but the crackling, rumbling and the exploding echo engulfed their home in the Victors Village.

 “Katniss,” Peeta called as he reached the room.

 “Peeta,” she called, flying into his arms. Her face washed with tears, her  fingernails bit into the flesh of his arms. “You’re real.”

 “I’m real,” he whispered into her hair.  He sat with her in the closet facing her terror together, because that’s what they did best. From the beginning they faced all obstacles as a team. The victory tour he recalled how she bravely took the microphone to speak to Rue’s mother. The way her voice started off quiet but grew as she gathered her courage. He didn’t know that it was due to his pledge to give a portion of his money away.

 He could still picture her standing in that dress, clutching microphone stand, speaking her eyes showed a slice of her compasion. It fed the masses. It fed a rebellion. It also made him fall a little harder for her.

 “I thought you were gone,” Katniss muttered.

 “I’m here, Katniss, I’m always here.”

 “Always,” she affirmed looking into his eyes. He gasped at the whirling emotions in her eyes, right before her lips touched his.  

 That day they had a small victory, but Peeta vowed that he would never leave her alone to weather the storms because they were a team.

 The 5th Year Together:

 Peeta opened his eyes, his hands ungripped the back of the chair. He’d suffered another episode.  His body was weak, but at least he was able to weather another one.  Today was their fifth year anniversary since he came back home.

 Five arduous years where they had grown back together. Last night around midnight Katniss and he had finally made love and declared their love for one another. He was ecstatic but also panicked as this meant they were now an official couple. It also meant emotionally he was at his most vulnerable.

 What if she didn’t want him? What if he wasn’t good enough?

 “Peeta.” Her hands wrapped around his middle.

 He closed his eyes.

 “I still want you.”

 Her soft words, caused his beating heart to slow down. “Katniss why would you want a broken, one legged, burned man.”  Her hands slipped on top of his. Her darker ones contrasted with his paler ones. “You have every right to leave me, and find yourself a man who will value you.”

  She hugged him tighter, her face nuzzled his back. “You tried giving me the same speech during the Quarter Quell, and It didn’t work then and it’s not going to work now.”

 “Katniss,” he sighed heavily.

 “Peeta, I love you.” Her hands splayed on his chest. “I do not want another man, I just want you. When you came back that’s when I came back, went hunting, that’s when I mourned my sister. You were the only one who acknowledged that she…” Katniss paused her voice was thick with raw emotions. “Passed away.”

 Peeta turned her around and cupped her face. He recalled Katniss with her sister Primrose staring at the cakes in the display case. They were younger, but he recalled how the sun shone down on Prim’s golden hair and the love in Katniss eyes. He wanted to be loved like that.   “Prim helped me become un-hijacked. She was good and sweet. I’m sorry for her death. It was pointless.”

 Katniss had tears falling from her eyes, she nodded. Despite her sadness he saw a deep profound love displayed in her eyes.  “You understand me better than anyone else. You fought to come back to me. You calm the rage within me.”

 Peeta kissed her lips, they were soft, warm and they tasted like home. He was loved

 15th Year Together:

 Their laughter fills the air. Peeta’s little girl, with the twin braids that flap in the air as she runs. She’s laughing, stops and begins to dance. Her arms are spread wide as she leaps in the air and twirls in the tall grass of the meadows. His son’s blond head bobbing up and down as his chubby little legs run toward his sister. He’s just started to run. Katniss says he looks like Peeta but Peeta thinks he looks like his brothers.    

 Katniss is sitting underneath the tree, watching them, a picnic blanket spread around her.

 “Hey.” Peeta leaned in and pecked her on the lips before settling down besides her. He was glad to be out of the bakery. He wanted to enjoy his time with his family.

 “Hi, how was the bakery?”

 He rubbed his face, “You were right, Joey, was the reason for the shenanigans down at the bakery.”

 Katniss gave him an all knowing look.

 “I can’t put him on the rotation on a Saturday.”

 “He’s much too immature.” Katniss leaned forward and began fixing him a plate.

 “Do you remember how different it was for us at that age?”

 She sat back, a pensive look on her face, as she glanced at their children. Their little girl was making a crown of dandelions. His little boy was sitting yanking grass out of the dirt. Her fingers gripped the plate.

 “It’s going to be ok,” Peeta put his arm around her shoulders.

 “Peeta they’re playing on…”

 “I know, the remains of our past.” Off to the side of the meadow was a small plaque with all of the  names of the people that were lost to the bombings. The line of trees still has the long beams that once supported the electric fence.

 Peeta remembers a time when we went to bed in fear of reapings. Of being called to the games thinking it was the luckiest day of his life. He remembers lying by the bank of the river silently wishing he would die. Then thinking he was seeing an angel appear from the heavens knowing he was dying. The way she fought him hand and foot and brought him back to life. He fell for Katniss when she kissed him for real in that cave.

 He’d felt it, felt the moment she melted into his arms, and something more was happening between them. He never forgot that kiss or the one at the beach. Never forgot his brave girl, she was a woman now but he saw her lurking in the background of the fear that was in her eyes. “They will be alright, all of the arenas have been torn down. They are never going to have another Hunger Games.”

 Katniss nodded. She handed him the plate.

 “Come here,” Peeta took the plate and put it on the side. He opened his arms to her and she snuggled up to him. “We have each other, we’re a team you and I.” He could feel her relax. “Besides we have the book and when the time is right we’ll tell them about it.”

 He wasn’t scared of the past anymore. It had taken him a long time to heal. Seeing their first born child in his arms cured his worry about the fractured glass that was his past. His daughter and his son were his future. And if they had any questions they had the book, written in their own words and not in the words of others to explain what they went through.

 For now he was going to enjoy the angel in his arms and watch his children play in the meadow.