#some of these got a bit angsty
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IF I FELL THROUGH THE FLOOR I WOULD KEEP FALLING ; SUGURU GETO
synopsis; geto knocks at your front door one morning ten years after leaving everything he knew behind, fully expecting to be met with a middle finger or a hand to the throat. when you invite him in, instead, he can’t help but feel somewhat perplexed.
word count; 7.5k
contents; suguru geto/reader, gn!reader, geto-typical angst with lots of yearning, hopeful ending (but also not really), geto’s pov, reader is a softie, intense mutual pining, tea as a metaphor for love <3, geto is terminally bitter and terminally lonely and also kind of a bitch but we love him
a/n; i’m extremely normal abt suguru geto and the debilitating loneliness he must’ve felt during the ten years after he left <33
”it’s been a while.”
the smile on his face must be sweet, he thinks, illuminated by the blurry light of the morning sun. as charming as it’s always been. coated in a thin layer of lighthearted deceit, a cruelly projected sense of normalcy. with a hand raised up in cheerful greeting, geto gazes down at you.
admittedly, he’s a little underwhelmed by your reaction.
astonishment or bafflement was maybe a little too much to ask for — you don’t look very surprised to see him at all. almost as if you were expecting him to show up in front of your apartment, at the break of dawn. and, really, maybe you were.
satoru must have told you already. why wouldn’t he let you in on their touching reunion, the promise of war that spilled so easily from his lips?
of course you would have heard of it by now.
… still, geto can’t deny that it’s just a little bit disappointing. he would’ve liked to see your wide eyes, would’ve liked to hear you stammer a bit.
the expression you’re currently sporting is something else entirely.
(you look sad.)
there’s a fondness in your eyes, though, unmistakable. a spark of it, entirely impossible to ignore, that catches him off guard. and there’s a softness in the way you raise your head to look up at him, a familiarity that flickers in the depths of your iris. something that welcomes him back.
geto can’t help but be a little bit put off by it.
it looks the same as always. you look the same as always. and geto’s heart constricts, where it rests, tucked away deep within the confines of his ribcage. it twists and turns like a vine around a carcass.
a moment passes. the sun peeks out from beneath the curtain of the horizon, the violet and indigo of the morning sky melting into that familiar burst of ochre. and geto is content, to silently admire the way that you glow in its light. he waits, patiently, for your expression to shift — to melt into one of anger, or repulsion, or any other kind of bitter hue.
it never does.
a sigh flows from your parted lips, instead. a soft little breath. in the bitter cold of a morning such as this, it turns into vapour as it drifts through the air.
you blink, tiredly, eyelashes fluttering with something akin to exasperation.
”you’re a cruel guy, you know that?”
geto blinks. a fickle moment passes.
then, he smiles.
you’re admonishing him, but you’re doing so almost gently — with an easygoing kind of disapproval. as if you’re still in high school, huffing over the teasing bout of laughter he lets slip when you trip over air.
geto’s lips curl up, smoothly, an action he’s grown awfully used to over the years. smiles are a form of currency, he has come to realize — smiles of deceit, of fondness, of barely contained disgust. all kinds of smiles, whether plastered on or genuine. a means to meet an end. a single tug of his lips, encompassing an immeasurable number of unspoken words.
the smile that geto graces you with is an amused one. it doesn’t quite reach his eyes, but it’s friendly enough. ”so i’ve been told.”
for a minute, you do nothing but observe him. there’s a turmoil behind your eyes that seeps out in the way you look at him, the way you shift from foot to foot and gnaw at your bottom lip anxiously. geto doesn’t interrupt, observing you in turn. waiting for one of you to move the first piece of this little morning game of chess.
in the light, he can almost delude himself into thinking that your eyes change colour, different shades and hues dancing around your dilated pupils. as you gaze over the contours of his face, a certain kind of affection blooms within them, one that geto expected to have faded over the years.
but it’s still there. and it’s the same. a little more blurry, maybe, a little faded at the edges — more matured. but still the same, despite that.
(a memory comes to him. one of you, and him; sharing a bag of chips on the school’s rooftop when neither of you could sleep.
bathed in the light of the moon, your eyes glimmered with that very same affection, like a shooting star breaking out across the night sky.)
one long, careful, tender moment passes by.
the intense contemplation on your features is almost enough to coax a chuckle from the depths of his throat. an urge to tease you creeps up on him, slowly, but before he can open his mouth you seem to come to a kind of conclusion.
and so, you step to the side — allowing him to see inside your apartment, catch a brief glimpse of the interior. you look oddly comfortable, at peace, having made your move; the next piece is his to place.
what a surprising move, though. geto can’t help it if his eyes widen just a smidge, if he blinks in a way that could almost be interpreted as briefly confused. out of all the possible scenarios he’s played out in his mind over the years, this wasn’t the one he expected to merge with reality.
”wanna come in?” you ask, tentative. your voice is inviting. a little clumsy, although he supposes that could just be because of fatigue. it is early, after all.
geto takes a moment to think.
as far as he can tell — and he always can, in one way or another — there is no deceit hidden in your expression. no signs of bloodlust, no spark of violence, no quiet resentment bubbling beneath the surface. earnest. that’s all it is. a little awkward, but candid. pure, in a way.
you aren’t trying to trick him. you’re genuinely, seriously, honest-to-god inviting him inside your apartment.
the next move is his to make.
and geto knows exactly what he should do. he should decline, politely, excuse himself with feigned remorse and a jovial invitation to his own personal hell.
(surely, you already know. the others have almost certainly told you by now. geto just wanted to personally invite you, himself. face to face.)
right. that’s what he should do. that’s the winning move.
and yet, he finds himself moving.
lips curling up on their own, without his approval, geto moves forward. one step is all it takes for him to cross the threshold of your home; a boundary he didn’t expect you to offer up so callously, truth be told, but who is he to deny the wishes of a dear old friend?
”why, thank you,” he smiles, voice pleasant, smooth like silk.
(for just a little while, he supposes he can indulge himself in the opportunity you’ve so graciously given him. just for a bit.)
geto doesn’t bother taking off his footwear, and he knows you couldn’t care less either way. allowing him to pass you by as he waltzes into your very own space, you close the door behind him. he half-expects to hear the click of the lock, but it never comes.
a particular scent envelops him, as he stands by the coat rack, unmoving — he has no intention of taking off his robes, heavy with his carefully nurtured devotion. a symbol of his choice.
the scent is familiar, but also unlike anything he can recall within the borders of his memory; a soothing blend between fresh laundry, and sunlight, and cat fur, and something rather sweet.
there’s more to it than that, though. a certain scent geto could only ever describe as you.
(his heart aches with longing.)
as he ponders the intricacies of the fragrance, geto is acutely aware of the stare burning into his back. how careless of him, to leave it facing you, unguarded and vulnerable.
what a perfect opportunity he’s presented you with; the great curse user suguru geto, forever exiled and wanted dead, now merely a fly at the mercy of the web you’ve created. trapped in your apartment with his back turned to you, a mere lamb to the slaughter.
how easy it would be, for you to plunge a knife into his flesh. to curve your way along his spine.
you do nothing of the sort, though. and for some reason, the realization that you aren’t going to irks him, even though deep down he knew that would be the case. still, it crawls its way under his skin, along the arteries of his forearm, an itch he yearns to claw away.
how foolish. how very like you.
(what a cruel thing change can be, when no one else seems to succumb to it.)
unable to do anything but accept it, however, geto turns towards you once more. you stiffen, as if burned by his gaze, and a part of him delights in it.
”how have you been?” he asks, bright and courteous. there’s a genuinity to the question that geto can’t deny. something about this situation sends a spark of fondness running through his veins.
at the sound of his voice, your eyes soften again. it’s a subtle shift, but he doesn’t miss it. doesn’t think he ever really could, because even though the light inside your eyes makes him uncomfortable, down to the very marrow of his bones, he can do nothing but bask in it. in your attention, in that heavy gaze.
a single word could never hope to faithfully describe the emotion smouldering inside it — but if forced to, geto would humbly settle on resignation.
it’s almost as if you still haven’t fully accepted it, ten years down the line, that you’re only just beginning to. like even now, you’re convinced that it’s nothing more than one big joke; that he’s about to reveal a hidden camera, and gleefully tell you that it was all a prank to get back at satoru.
naive, naive, naive. but geto can’t deny that it tastes sweet, on his tongue — to imagine that you might still have some faith in him, after all this time.
a sigh leaves your lips. you sound a little bit exhausted. it sends a pang of ache to the very center of his heart, and a part of him yearns to soothe you. another part relishes in the pain he must have brought you over the years.
the rest of him smoothly tucks those stray thoughts away, as he brushes non-existent dust off from his robes.
then, your eyes take on a more tender hue. you ignore his question entirely, and speak in a low voice. raspy and sincere, and maybe just a tad bitter, given everything.
”those robes don’t suit you, suguru.”
— a shiver travels down his spine.
suguru.
(the way your lips form around the syllables is still so lovely.)
you’re full of surprises, as always. at least to a certain extent, he was expecting you to settle on geto, to draw a firm line in the sand between him and you. the ocean and the land, always meant to be separated by that thin line, kept apart in each other’s best interest.
but geto is beginning to accept that you’re going to do this your way — sincerely.
the statement is a veil, obscuring a million unspoken thoughts, double meanings that aren’t particularly hard to discern. a silent rejection, a quiet disapproval. there’s a grief to it that sits heavy on your tongue.
taking a moment to collect himself, geto meets your gaze, and all its weight. his lips curl up into a sad smile, a little fatigued. he wonders if you can hear it, in his voice.
(maybe it was stupid of him, to think he could keep this meeting professional.)
”… is that so?”
you continue to look at him, as if waiting for something else. but geto doesn’t give you what you want, that touch of tender honesty he’s sure you’re hoping for.
”i think they suit me just fine,” he playfully disagrees, instead, tone bordering on something childishly stubborn.
you wait just a single moment more, still clinging to that hope for something sincere, anything.
then you huff. it sounds vaguely amused.
”you look like a con artist,” you deadpan, eyes flitting down to examine the outfit again. geto would be offended by your rudeness if you didn’t also happen to be right.
”how sweet of you,” he purrs, shooting you a smug smile. the words are lighthearted, mildly teasing. “that’s exactly what i’m going for.”
you give him an unimpressed look, that he mirrors with a perfect smile — and then you give in to another amused exhale, paired with a soft shake of your head.
there it is again, geto thinks. that sense of déjà vu. it’s equal parts eerie as it is comforting.
silence lingers in the air around you, as hazy sunlight flits in through the gap between your curtains and cascades across the floorboards. until you clear your throat endearingly, and walk past him.
”well, make yourself at home,” you murmur in passing.
considering the circumstances, the words are spoken fairly naturally, and geto has to resist the urge to laugh at how ridiculous this is. inviting a wanted criminal into your home, a literal mass murderer, and treating him with the same politeness you’d show to any other guest.
what would the elders think, he wonders, if they knew? would they brand you an accomplice, question your motives? put your head on the chopping block right next to his? he wouldn’t put it past them, the pieces of shit.
but despite his amusement, geto doesn’t laugh. he only watches as you make your way to the kitchen counter, a firefly catching his eye in the summer night.
(except you aren’t a firefly, and it’s not summer. it’s winter, and you’re someone geto wishes he didn’t still care for.)
”i was thinking of making tea,” you hum, voice soft but still easy for him to discern from his spot in the living room. ”do you want some?”
geto’s lips quirk up into a tiny smile. his voice is teasing, as it flows out from his lips.
”how generous,” he chirps, still idly watching the way you move around the open space, your hair changing colour in the flickering light of the sun. ”satoru could learn a thing or two from you.”
he expects you to flinch. a suitable reaction, to how casually he brings up his reunion with his best friend, like it’s nothing. like it means nothing. like nothing’s wrong.
geto knows it’s cruel, which is exactly why he does it.
but you don’t flinch. you don’t even stiffen. and he senses no anger in your body language, in the silence that settles in the space between his words and yours. all you do is exhale sharply, a little exasperated.
”you shouldn’t be so cruel to him.” a beat. your voice sounds just a little smaller when you continue. ”he’s missed you, you know.”
the reply is nearly instantaneous, and it’s bare. honest. you sound like you’re scolding him, but it’s more protective than angry. and it’s gentle, like you’re patching him up after a mission, reprimanding him for not being more careful.
at this point, geto can tell you have no intention of playing along. how annoying. he wishes you would — that earnest sadness and regret of yours is almost unbearable, and the gentle bluntness you present him with cuts much deeper than his casual cruelty ever could.
you aren’t going to play along, aren’t going to pretend you don’t care. geto wonders why you won’t, why you’re the only one who still refuses to.
satoru certainly has no issue with it. playing along, putting up a front. attempting to treat him coldly, as an enemy. but geto knows him, knows his soul like the back of his hand, and he could tell it was trembling when their eyes met. from underneath those bandages of his, the thin layer of cowardice that shields those precious eyes from the rest of the world. from geto.
and shoko is just as unbothered as ever. always playing it cool, never caught off guard or shaken to her core. geto can’t even tell if it’s an act or not, anymore. but he knows that she was angry, when they spoke that day, ten years in the past. knows she wanted to tell him off, but chose not to.
both her and satoru are like that. always have been. closed off, accustomed to bearing an unbearable weight, resigned to the ache that it brings them. acting distant in a desperate attempt to mend it.
you, though?
you were always a little too sincere for your own good, a little too true to yourself. it must hurt you, he thinks. it must hurt you even just to look at him. yet you continue to do so, unflinchingly.
that’s simply how you are.
you’ve always enjoyed dipping your toes into the grief of it all, leaning into the pain. always the first to take that step into the abyss. content to tear yourself open for everyone to see, even if no one follows suit.
never averting your eyes. never taking the easy way out.
(unlike him.)
geto hums, smiling a little at the sickening irony of it all.
the gentle clinking of ceramic resounds throughout the kitchen, and geto’s ears perk up. his gaze follows your hands, as they move to grab two cups from the wall cabinet. floral designs, he dully notes. blue bells on one, red camellias on the other. a porcelain teapot rests on the kitchen table, but no flowers adorn it.
without your expressions to keep him entertained, geto decides to wallow in the fleeting peace and quiet. aside from your soft breathing and the occasional clinking of teacups, there are no sounds to be heard.
a moment that seems to exist outside of time and space, where time passes backwards and your shuffling in the kitchen is his only concern.
eager to satiate the mellow boredom in his chest, geto’s eyes begin to flit across the space of your apartment. greedily drinking in every detail he can see, as if he’s trying to memorize it all. maybe he is.
everything he can see is a piece of your existence, in one way or another. every inch of the apartment is littered with your fingerprints, your choices and fickle tastes.
like the rich yellow of the curtains you’ve picked out to frame the glass of the windows, bright and stark and blending smoothly in with the cream colour of the wallpaper surrounding it. or the forgotten cup on the table in front of the tv, a faded green. he vaguely remembers seeing you drink out of it back when things were still good, when you both thought of the school as your home.
a book rests on the duvet pillows of your couch, but he sees no bookmark peeking out from between the pages. geto wonders if you still dog-ear your books, and thinks to himself that a crime of that calibre would warrant your own exile if the world was only fair. alas, it isn’t. war of the foxes, he reads from the cover. ironic.
along the windowsills are potted plants, stacked up next to each other, green and flourishing despite the snowy wonderland of the outside world. their leaves differ in shape and size, some accompanied by blooming flowers. he imagines you watering them, dutifully, nurturing them with gentle hands and sleepy smiles.
there are many things to look at, more and more little fragments sprouting up the longer geto continues to do so. a knitted sweater thrown over the wooden armrest of a chair. colourful candy wrappers littering the table. an old radio tucked away in a corner of the room.
geto drinks it all in — a home you’ve painstakingly created, that you’ve allowed him into. he examines it thoroughly, the way an art dealer judges a painting on display. turning the image over inside his mind, twisting it, burning it into his retinas. soaking in every little detail he manages to find.
your home.
(it’s so like you that it hurts.)
finally, geto thinks he’s had his fill of the living room. so he ventures into the kitchen, only a couple long strides away.
the scent that greets him this time is comforting, homey. the aroma of coffee grounds, a touch of leftover curry, a strong fragrance of blooming hyacinths and dried lavender sitting contentedly by the windowsill. through the translucent glass, geto sees layers upon layers of snow on the rooftops, and the gradual rise of the glittering sun.
the quiet buzzing of the electric kettle is the only sound he hears, along with the rhythmic ticking of the clock on the wall, as his eyes wander along the kitchen.
the shelves are stacked with a variety of different spices, and glass jars of honey and jam. along the counters rest a wide array of kitchen appliances, from blenders to rice cookers to french presses. mugs with silly designs are stuffed into an opened wall cabinet, and geto recognizes some of them, to his silent delight.
there are colourful post-it notes stuck to the fridge, messy scribbles of recipes and reminders. meetings, birthdays, grocery lists. even just little doodles, smiley faces and napping cats that make his lips quirk up. and polaroids — he tries not to let his gaze linger on the picture of satoru sleeping in the most uncomfortable, inhumane position he’s ever witnessed, nor the blurry image of shoko smoking by a balcony railing, sleeves cuffed and expression forlorn. he can’t imagine either of them noticed you snapping the photos.
(no polaroids of him. of course not. why would there be?)
geto tries not to look over at the fridge again, examining the floor and furniture instead. over in the corner stands a bowl of cat food, seemingly untouched. the kitchen table is covered with a checkered cloth, kept down by a plate of chocolate chip cookies.
your kitchen is fairly small, but it’s cozy. rays of fresh sunlight envelop it in a giddy, ruminating glow. like something out of a dream.
when geto enters the space, your eyes flit over to him briefly, and he shoots you a friendly smile. your eyes do that thing, again, where they crumble a little at the corners and get a tad softer. like you’re looking at an old friend.
(he supposes you are.)
you clear your throat before speaking, as he takes in all the sights.
”what kind of tea do you want? i’ve got, uh…”
with gentle movements, you open a wall cabinet, eyes swiftly scanning over the different labels of the many boxes, jars and sachets of tea inside. dutifully, you list off the ones you can see.
”earl grey, chamomile… oolong, rooibos…” you continue, seemingly never running out of options, fingers tapping at the handle. ”ah, this one’s kinda weird. it’s supposed to be, like, cherry flavoured? don’t ask, satoru picked it out — but it tastes more like laundry detergent.”
a pause.
”it’s pretty good, though.”
geto can’t help it. the comment coaxes a chuckle from out his chest, and he’s surprised at how genuine it sounds when it spills from his lips.
you seem to notice it, too, seeing as you perk up where you stand by the counter. out of the corner of his eye, geto thinks he almost catches the fleeting glimmer of a tiny smile on your lips.
and for a moment, everything feels familiar. eerie and comforting, in equal measure. a sense of nostalgia drifts throughout the kitchen, mingling with the scent of tea leaves and sunshine and freshly baked cookies.
this is the opportunity you’ve given him — a slice of normalcy. as close to normalcy as one can come to in a situation such as this. a soft bout of laughter, shared between estranged childhood friends, one of which is a mass murderer. it’s really not normal at all.
normalcy is no more than a fever dream. that much has always been the case, but —
there’s a comfort in it, in this. the familiarity of it all. the way you settle into old roles, share knowing looks and cycle through old memories he knows you’re both haunted by.
it’s soothing.
he’s changed, and you’ve changed, but there’s still a sense of belonging between the two of you. in this moment, this sole flicker of nostalgia. in this kitchen.
and for a moment, geto almost forgets why he’s there. almost forgets the unforgettable, the inevitability of a choice he made long ago. it stings, and he wonders how you can bear it; this thin line between longing and awareness.
”so? what’ll it be?”
your voice rings out across the open space, face angled towards the table to meet his stare.
geto hums, absentmindedly, and takes a step closer.
the narrow distance between you two lies heavy, as he shuffles up right next to you, haphazardly sweeping his eyes over the wide assortment in front of him. he can almost, almost hear your breath hitch when the fabric of his clothing grazes your shoulder.
he wonders if the tea is just an excuse, to be able to come so close. to bask in your warmth.
you don’t move away.
”oolong,” he firmly decides. he doesn’t really need to think about it.
then he swiftly turns on his heel, and takes a seat by the kitchen table. confident and graceful — as if this isn’t your kitchen, but his. unconcerned over table manners, his elbows resting on the wooden board, as his jaw meets the heel of his palm. he bites into one of the chocolate chip cookies, the sweetness crumbling on his tongue.
this time, you finally do stiffen — though geto doesn’t see it. he does, however, feel your lingering stare, and when he tilts his head in your direction he catches a glint of sorrow passing through the depths of your irises.
geto blinks. he tilts his head questioningly, a cue for you to follow.
and finally, finally, you stammer. barely, but it’s there. that nervous shiver of your voice.
”ah — sorry,” you mumble, gaze falling down to the floorboards. you seem almost flustered. ”it’s just…”
there’s something raw in your voice, something that wavers.
”back then, you’d always choose earl grey.”
a long moment of silence passes.
there are a million unspoken words in that sentence, geto knows. words you’ll never say, words you’ve always yearned to say. though he has no intention of digging them out.
the sentiment is more than enough.
a bitter taste settles on his tongue, but he smiles, careful to keep his voice light.
”well,” he hums. ”some things change, i suppose.”
to that, you huff out a breath of amusement, turning around to face the counter once more. but not before eyeing his robes again, expression rich with humour.
”yeah,” you hum, lighthearted. something close to a chuckle. ”i suppose they do.”
geto grins softly, in tandem, from his spot by the table. like you’re still teenagers, sharing a look over an inside joke no one else is privy to.
after that, he simply watches you work, chewing at the treat while he waits for the tea to be done. the light of the electric kettle flickers off, and your hands curl around the handle, bringing it to rest next to the teapot on the tablecloth. he watches, expression mildly bored, as you grab the ceramic cups and the silken sachet bag of dried tea leaves.
a strong scent of oolong tea wafts through the air, when you flick your fingers to pour some of the leaves into the teapot. there’s a certain elegance in the way you pour the boiling water, slowly, in a smooth circular pattern. geto follows the movement, the rise and fall of the leaves as water fills the strainer.
you’re unhurried, methodical. there is care in the motion of your hands, the intense gaze you bear as you perform it. every slight twitch of your knuckles, the soft exhale you emit when the teapot has been filled.
geto can do nothing but watch, in silent admiration.
you put the porcelain lid back on, blocking the steam rising up in a flurry of warmth. while the tea simmers, soaking up the flavour of the leaves, you busy yourself with readying two teaspoons.
”how do you take it, these days?” you ask him, as you languidly pour hot tea into the cups. ”any sweetener? milk?”
”one cube of sugar. no milk.”
at that, your eyes flit up, recognition blooming in them as you hear the familiar sentence. but geto keeps his gaze glued to the hyacinths on the windowsill, never meeting yours.
truthfully, he says it mostly to appease you. he figures he can give you this one thing, at least — this one hope that maybe everything hasn’t changed, after all. that he hasn’t changed, in his entirety, that there’s still some remnant left of who he used to be. even if all that’s left of him is just one single cube of sugar.
it’s kind of funny. but geto doesn’t laugh.
you place a cup in front of him. the one adorned by red camellias. geto racks his brain, flitting through past conversations with florists and paragraphs memorized from non-fiction books on botany. what was it, again?
eternal love. long-lasting devotion.
the petals and the calyx of a camellia always fall together.
geto bites back a laugh. some part of him wonders if you’re making fun of him, if this is how you’re planning to release your pent-up anger — in such a petty, roundabout manner. but deep down he knows it was no more than an absentminded choice, on your part.
(you always hurt him most when it’s not your intention to do so.)
as you take a seat on the opposite side of the table, he gingerly touches the rim of the cup. soft steam rises from the liquid, its colour marigold-esque, and geto breathes it in deeply before bringing the ceramic to his lips.
you watch, in anticipation. intensely enough that he can feel it even when his eyes flutter shut, your gaze prickling his skin as he sips from the cup.
the warmth of the tea is comforting, a distinctly floral taste spreading along his tongue. there’s a slight nuttiness to the taste, a rich sweetness. as it runs down his throat, geto hears himself hum softly. a satisfied smile slips into the curve of his lips. inside the depths of his chest, a light nostalgia swirls, pleasant and tingly.
he remembers moonlit nights, whispered secrets you could only ever tell each other, the glimmer of aluminium and rush of caffeine as you gulped down the too-sweet coffee that the vending machines had to offer.
he remembers sunny mornings, muffled laughter shared in the solitude of the kitchen, basking in the floral scent of chamomile and lavender and everything in between as the world woke up around you.
with a clink, geto sets his cup down on the table, pinkie raised lightly. smile a tad bittersweet.
”this is good tea.”
a moment passes. you break out into a genuine smile, nearly beaming, delighted by his approval.
”isn’t it?” you chirp, fingers curling around your own cup, the little painted flowers adorning it. blue bells. geto recalls that old wives’ tale — how wearing a wreath of blue bells compels one to tell the truth. ”nanami got this one for me, actually.”
he smiles, perking up ever so slightly. a little more animated. ”oh?” he takes another sip. ”he always was a snob, wasn’t he.”
that makes your own smile grow, lips twitching upwards, and an amused exhale flows from your lips. a gentle breath. you always were very fond of your grumpy underclassman. ”yeah.”
there’s something familiar about this, geto can’t help but think. eerily so. an acute sense of déjà vu, the same one that’s been plaguing him all morning.
the way you’re treating him isn’t how one would treat an enemy, nor a stranger — it’s how one would treat an old friend. that, and nothing more.
(geto wishes he could say it didn’t soothe his heart so terribly.)
he allows himself to sink deeper into the rotten sweetness of it all. indulges in this one fleeting moment, before everything crashes and burns.
the world outside your kitchen is a cold one, he knows, blanketed by snow and frost that has yet to be stained red. the pure white is a warning, not a consolation — a reminder that there are still things to be lost.
the world of curses is an empty promise, the promise of suffering being rewarded. the idea that the sun will melt the frost around your legs if you wade through enough snow.
(but geto knows better.)
outside your kitchen, only one path exists for him. it isn’t a kind one, nor is it particularly comforting. but, unlike those empty promises, that path has a truth to it. an end point, that isn’t just wait and see what happens, maybe the sun will rise if you’re lucky.
he isn’t a fool. the world is as cruel as it is beautiful, which is a false simile because cruelty is only ever beautiful when you aren’t a part of it. another one of those empty promises. geto has no idea how they kept him going for so long.
but here, in this moment — the world feels rather kind. kind in the sense of being just enough, the kind of brief solace that used to give him enough hope to get through the day.
for now, this aching gap of yet-to-be-ruined is enough. it’s all that he cares about, all that exists.
— but all good things must eventually come to an end.
geto knows it better than anyone, so he isn’t particularly surprised when he looks up to see your face set into hard lines.
you meet his eyes with a certain flickering determination, a conviction — and geto knows you’re about to cross the comfortable line he was hoping you could both maintain for just a little longer.
”suguru.”
he doesn’t say anything, doesn’t need to. a smile is enough. so his lips curl up, silently.
”can i ask you something?”
every move geto makes is calculated, a performance, as your words sink into his subconscious. dragging the silence out, as if trying to waltz around the inevitable end of this sickeningly sweet game of morning chess.
the slow circling of his spoon, creating a vortex for the oolong tea to follow, as it catches the light falling from the window. the way he leans back, to make himself comfortable, letting his jaw rest on the heel of his palm as he dissects your expression from across the table.
there is something almost taunting in his eyes.
but he smiles. courteous, bright. ”go ahead.”
for just a second, he sees you falter. just a smidge, but the way your nails dig into the skin of your palm is telling, just like the way your eyes choose to linger on the tablecloth a second longer than they need to.
then you meet his eyes once more, and begin to speak. geto hangs on to your words, as if they even matter.
”i’m not expecting you to be honest with me,” you state, bluntly. he’s glad to know you’re on the same page for once. ”but i’d appreciate it if you could. just this one time. i won’t ask for anything else.”
another long and tactful sip of his tea. he wasn’t lying, before — it really is very nice. the flavour is strong and thick on his tongue, sweet and bitter all in one. expensive. the pads of his fingers tap along the ceramic of his cup, right over the red flowers that seem to taunt him so.
here it comes. your lips part, but no sound comes out, and geto knows you’re thinking of how best to phrase your inquiry. it doesn’t take you long to decide, a firmness blossoming in the scope of your iris. a sense of finality.
”are you happy?”
despite everything, his breath hitches in his throat. the movement of his fingers halts.
your question comes out clear, candid, sincere. the look in your eyes makes him feel a little like he’s being devoured. vaguely aware of how his smile wavers, for just a split second, geto can only hope you don’t notice it — but he doubts you do, because you only continue to speak, unperturbed.
”i’m sure you’ve changed a lot, these past ten years. and i’m sure you’ve had more than enough time to convince yourself that you’re happy, even if you aren’t.” you bite your lip. ”i should’ve asked you this a long time ago. but now — i’m asking.”
geto’s eyes never leave your face.
”are you happy? are you genuinely satisfied with your life? are you happy with your choice?”
there’s something desperate in your eyes, now. something geto can’t look away from, despite himself. all he can do is touch the ceramic beneath his fingers, hot enough to burn, and listen to you speak.
”if… if you are, then —”
you take a deep breath, a sharp inhale that geto would mimic if he wasn’t dead set on maintaining his composure.
”— then i won’t get in the way. i’ll let you live your life the way you want to. just as long as that’s true.”
geto looks at you, smile nowhere to be seen. time itself seems to halt, in the space of your kitchen. the current center of the world.
he doesn’t dare to even breathe.
”… but,” your voice trembles. you stare intently at your own cup, surely beginning to grow lukewarm at this point. what a waste of good tea. ”if you aren’t happy, then —”
a pause. no one says a thing.
”then what?” geto spits. his voice comes out sounding just a tad sharp, cold like the frost outside your apartment. more so than he meant it to.
your pupils waver, before you lift your head to look at him. the resolution in your eyes makes his breath hitch. an unflinching kindness, one he can’t remember you ever not having.
”— then i’ll do whatever it takes to change that. no matter what.” a beat. “even if it makes you hate me.”
such immense honesty.
geto wonders why he came here, in the first place.
to declare war. was that his genuine desire, though? or was it just another excuse?
with satoru, he can pretend. with shoko, he can pretend. with himself, he can certainly pretend.
but with you?
his fingers leave the ceramic, eyes burning with a decision mirroring yours.
geto’s burned many bridges, in his life. but this particular bridge is one he’ll miss. the cinders that follow won’t keep him warm, that much he knows.
but in the face of such honesty — such genuine kindness — he couldn’t bear not to give you a serious answer.
(it’s the least he could do for you.)
”i am.”
a moment passes. the center of the world shifts.
”i’m happy with my choice.”
it was the only one worth making.
as they fall from his lips, the words taste heavy, absolute. in the light of a morning still yet to be broken by the passage of time, your eyes shift. for a moment geto wonders if you’ll close them. if you’ll give yourself that one relief.
you don’t.
instead, you bite your lip, eyes stubbornly never leaving his own. now you look a little angry, a little frustrated. he’s glad to see that flicker of fury directed at him, at last.
”but are you happy?” you persist, frustrated in a way that buzzes with kindness and concern. a way that makes him feel rather lost.
geto hears himself speak before he has a chance to think about his answer. the voice that comes out of his throat sounds oddly soft.
”that doesn’t matter.”
”it should.”
your reply is equally instantaneous. and geto feels a tremor run through his heart.
”are you happy, suguru?” you try again, pleading. that hope of yours is back, the hope that he’ll be honest just this once. sincere, even just for a syllable or two.
the clock on the wall ticks, hands moving methodically and cruelly, second by second. another moment of time burned to cinders. geto knows what must be done.
this mindless self-indulgence was nice, for a while. but geto has more bridges to burn. more wars to brew.
one final touch. that’s what he’ll give you, in return for your generosity. one final touch of tender honesty, even if it burns his tongue.
”i will be,” he exhales, breathless. ”once all this is over.”
then he gets up from his chair, the squeaking of wood against the floorboards signaling a parting. your eyes never leave his face, as he dusts off his robes absentmindedly, glancing at the half-finished cup on the table.
then geto smiles at you. there’s a fondness to it, one he’d only ever show you. his eyes crinkle, just barely, and the dark brown of his iris shifts into a mellow amber as sunlight cascades down the contours of his face. a genuine smile.
”thank you for the tea.”
there it is. your eyes soften, again, helplessly.
you aren’t satisfied. geto doubts you ever will be.
but you’ve always been the only one to tear yourself open, the only one to step into the abyss. geto has always admired it, just as much as he’s always found it foolish. not once has he ever followed suit.
things like honesty and tenderness don’t suit him. he doesn’t think they suit any sorcerer, except maybe for you.
at last, that grieving resignation finds its way to your eyes again. it doesn’t hurt him as much this time, perhaps because he was waiting for it.
”… you’re welcome,” you breathe. a sad little breath.
geto allows himself to look at you for just a moment more.
then he turns on his heel.
”well, this was nice,” he hums. ”but i really must be going now.”
pleasant and jovial. a voice unsuited for a situation like this. geto wonders if it hurts you as much as it hurts him.
rubbing salt into wounds is all he seems to do these days, anyhow. so he smiles. ”i’ll see you on the battlefield, i hope —”
”suguru.”
…
deep down, geto knows that there’s no going back from this. that the moment he moves his feet, the moment he leaves your apartment — the moment he steps over the threshold in front of him — he can never return.
your kitchen was never his to walk into, in the first place. he was never meant to set foot into your home. that was your choice. geto can’t help but think that it’s every bit as cruel as the one he made ten years ago.
your voice is the same as always. sad and fond. familiar, in how it twists and tugs at his heart in a way nothing else can anymore.
geto waits. he’ll let you have the final word. the final piece moved into place. checkmate.
he’ll let you be the one to devour that aching gap.
curse me, he whispers to the confines of his mind. resent me. i’ve caused you so much pain.
curse me yourself, so i can hate you properly.
”if you ever want another cup, i’ll be here.”
silence falls upon the kitchen.
geto stands still, feet rooted in the spot by the threshold separating the kitchen from the living room. the ticking of the clock is the only sound he hears.
there isn’t a trace of resentment in your voice.
(he wishes you would play along, even just once.)
a low hum buzzes in his throat. the seconds stretch on; more hands moved, more time burned into nothing. the silence is deafening, thick and heavy. an intense moment of contemplation, as geto tries not to shiver under the warmth of your constant gaze, burning into his back.
the center of the world shifts, once more. the gaze of fate falls upon the two of you, bathed in the rays of the rising sun, in a kitchen where normalcy is a little more than just a fever dream.
it doesn’t mean anything, anything at all.
geto knows it. he knows it better than anyone. but maybe he can allow this mindless self-indulgence to carry on, for just a little longer. if only to give him the excuse he needs to see you again, to stand in your kitchen like this, like the view of the rising sun is something he’s allowed to behold.
how greedy. how callous. hasn’t he always been, though?
just for a little bit longer.
”… you know,”
geto takes a step forward, robes fluttering with the movement, heavy and pious. he crosses the threshold, words just above a whisper, just loud enough for you to hear.
(in the space between the words, laced together with the silence, lies the ghost of a smile.)
”it’s been a while since i had earl grey.”
#something something geto being represented by a setting sun vs reader being represented by a rising sun…. u get the vibes.#this was supposed to be completely angsty but i got attached to the final line LOL. so now its just a tiiiiny bit hopeful#i mean hes still probably dying lets be honest but theres some room for interpretation if ur delulu like me#tbh the idea of geto continuing his genocidal agenda while casually having tea parties w/ reader on sundays is just.. INSANELY funny to me#every girlboss needs her selfcare day <3#suguru geto#suguru geto x reader#geto angst#jujutsu kaisen#jjk#jujutsu kaisen x reader#jjk x reader
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she red on my stoner until the red sun never sets IT NEVER SETS I AHVENT SLEPT
#just some doodle ideas of redstoner yk how it iss#idk hair tho ill prilly change it#but i was thinking about him & thought OH BOY what if his derpy eyes were bc of goggles#?? then got carried away but not 2 much#i dont reeeeeeeaaaaaallllllllyyyyyy like this design all 2 much but it is my 1st doodle#i started rewatching it…. i havent watched this since i was in @ least middle school#im getting flashbacks from me pausing 2 read the trxt like HELP#does any1 even care about redstoner?? hello… HELLO??#im thinking back on it & this might b the 1st like edgy angsty minecraft rp thing i got in2#FUCKING REDSTONER IS MY FOUNDATION & ITS GOOD#i love u redstoners#redstoner#i dont wanna put this in the ross tag tbh IDEK IF THERE IS 1#uhhh#yourpalross#mcyt#puppee art#get me out of the minecraft hole pls some1 save me#if im not careful i might actually choose 2 suffer & rewatch donot laugh again#shout out 2 ross gaming who gives me 2 much gender & i was rlly close 2 changing my name 2 ross or daniel bc of him#((i did 4 a bit but thats not the point))#im pretty sure ive been watching this guy 4 like way 2 long IM ORETTY SURE HE SHAPED MY PERSONALITY#SOME1 HELPPP
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It's fathers day in the uk today and it really got me thinking about Vegas and Macau and how they might have coped with the day growing up together.
I can imagine Vegas as a young boy, running down the stairs as soon as he wakes up that morning; he’s gripping a homemade card he’d made at school the previous day for his dad; maybe he’d had help wrapping something up that he’d made as well and it crinkles in his little hands as he tries to get down the steps without holding onto the bannister. Gun is sitting at the table eating breakfast, he’s stressed about something and in an awful mood, and Vegas bounds over to him, nearly tripping on his still-too-long trousers, and he proudly presents them over. Happy fathers day, Pa! Look, I wrote it myself, and I put Macau’s name in it because he can’t write yet, but I can! And he beams up at Gun, who isn’t even looking at him; he’s still reading the paper, and someone comes over to take him away to eat his own breakfast, and they’re telling him what a good job you did, but your pa’s busy, you know not to interrupt him- And that night, as he goes to bed, he’s thinking about how he probably didn’t do a good enough job, and that’s why Pa didn’t want his card; he should have practised his writing better because it’s not very neat yet, and he should have written it in English too because he knows a lot of words now and Pa has been really pushy about him being good at English- And it takes many more fathers days after and the realisation that he will never be good enough for his Pa before he stops trying. And then Macau is six and very nearly seven, and Vegas can see him getting excited to give him a card on fathers day because he can finally write in sentences now, but by this point, he knows what his dad is like. He knows he won’t like the crinkled, hand-written thing Macau has prepared because he’d already tried. So he tells him to leave it on the table before he goes to sleep because then he’ll see it first thing in the morning but don’t be sad if he doesn’t mention anything, okay, Cau? Because he’s swamped, you know this, so you can’t bother him about it. And he puts on a brave face and convinces Macau that he will definitely love it because you’ve worked so hard; look at how good your hand-writing is getting- And that night, after he’s read Macau a story and waited until he fell asleep, he creeps down the stairs and picks up Macau’s hand-made card and replaces it with an expensive bottle of whisky with a fancy bow on it and a generic card that he’d made sure was written neatly, and with no sentiments written because, Because. And he looks at the piece of paper Macau had made; he’d even added crudely drawn pictures of all three of them together, and he vows to be better and do better and never let his little brother’s heart get broken because of their dad like his broke all those years ago. And then Macau is 12, and Vegas has been learning everything about the minor family business for years. He’s been trying so hard to be better than Kinn in everything he does because he needs to keep Macau out of their dad’s radar, and he has to be the best because that’s what his dad wants, what he needs from Vegas and when Vegas fails he gets hit. Which is what happens on fathers day. And they’re older now, and their uncle had proposed they have a dinner together to celebrate. They sit in the main family mansion listening to Korn brag about all his sons for hours while Vegas sits and tries to avoid Gun’s glare and not think about how much his cheek hurts, and Macau looks devastated, so he tries to ignore it and smiles to let him know that everything is fine. And when he’s finally in his bed that night and can let out a breath that this day is finally over, something gets shoved under his door.
When he looks at what it is, it’s a card with cool drawings on the front of it. He knows who they’re by because Macau has been really into manga and anime recently and has been obsessed with drawing little comic strips, and he gives them to Vegas, who keeps them in a box under his bed with all the other cards he’s made. He wonders if Macau’s finally figured out what he does with his cards each year and had decided to just give it straight to Vegas instead of leaving it on the dining room table for Vegas to inevitably swap, but then he looks, he really looks at what’s on the front- It’s him and Macau, just him and Macau, and Vegas’s pet hedgehog with happy fathers day! written underneath. When he opens it, it says Have a good day, Vegas! lots of love, Mac He cries himself to sleep that night. But for once, it’s not out of fear or hatred of himself; this time, it’s a deep sadness that he doesn’t have anyone to rely on, doesn’t have an older brother to tell him they love him, to fix his problems or help him with his homework. But Macau does. Macau does, and he’s so glad he can do that for his little brother and be there for him that he cries himself to sleep out of sheer relief that Macau knows precisely how much Vegas loves him.
And then Macau’s nearly 18, and everything is horrible and scary, and Vegas has been shot, and he might die, and he can’t even think about fathers day anymore because there’s no room for frivolity when the mafia is concerned.
And then Vegas is awake, he’s awake, and he’s got Pete, and life is hard, but he’s alive. He’s alive, his dad is dead, and he finally has someone to rely on, lean on, and hold. And being loved by Pete is a feeling so encompassing that he can’t even put it into words.
And then it’s fathers day again, but this time their dad is dead, and Pete’s dad is dead, and there’s no reason for them to celebrate, so they don’t. And Macau has finally started university, but he skips class to hang out with his brother and Pete. They don’t do anything momentous; it’s raining, so they stay inside, occupying themselves with games, movies, and whatever else, until they go to bed.
None of them mentions that it’s fathers day.
Yet that night, when Vegas is in bed cuddled up to Pete, something is shoved under their door. Pete goes to have a look, looking confused, as he holds a piece of paper and climbs back into bed with Vegas. Its a card. A fathers day card. A well-done drawing of Macau, Vegas, Pete, and their newly adopted pet cat, with Happy Father’s Day! written underneath in familiar handwriting.
He hands it back to Pete and tells him to open it, too overwhelmed to read it himself. Inside the card, in much neater handwriting than either of them thought Macau was capable of, it says-
Have a good day, Vegas.
You may not be my real father,
but you’re the only one I’ve ever had.
Lots of love, Mac
ps. I guess p’pete counts now too.
He cries again, and Pete is gracious enough not to mention it. He adds it to the box, with all the other things Macau has ever made him, closing it and placing it back underneath the bed.
And it's later, years later, that a revelation occurs to him. That even though he’s spent his whole life trying to be good enough for a father that genuinely despised his existence, that even though he spent so many years trying to be better than Kinn, than Korn, than everyone.
He has always been good enough for Macau.
And he will always be good enough for Pete.
And that, that, is enough.
#if you got to the end I applaud you#this has been in my head all day so I had to write it down lmao#this got a bit angsty#I would apologise but it would be insincere#love me some angst#vegas theerapanyakul#macau theerapanyakul#pete saengtham#vegaspete#vegas x pete#vegas and macau#kinnporsche the series#my writing
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Obligatory tiny Akihiro cameo T-T
From Wolverine #42
Also, slight spoiler:
The Krakoan translates to "The Good Old Days"
So probably just implying a retelling of their long, sordid shared history.
#of course its a fucking flashback#logan can't be a good dad unless its an angsty flashback#basically a retcon like they did with laura#at least northstar and aurora got to do some cool shit#but i swear this whole thing is gonna be hell before it starts getting better#and thats assuming it will get better#also i ain't posting the bits from the preview pages#if i do not see it it do not exist#:(#*sigh* only four more months at least#daken akihiro#fang#wolverine#james logan howlett#logan howlett
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The desire to make an angsty fic in which Luigi comforts an exhausted and deeply stressed Mario vs. The fact that my past several fics have been angsty enough and I should probably balance that out with some fluff first…
#it doesn’t help that I just. can’t keep mario in character#I love writing him dealing with angsty shit and completely losing his cool! I just can’t do it WELL 😅#I’ve got some smut prompts I can work on in the meantime! get a little bit more lightheartedness out there first and foremost#THEN the angsty self-indulgent crap!
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Chapters: 1/1 Fandom: Danny Phantom, Spider-Man (Tom Holland Movies) Rating: Teen And Up Audiences Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings Characters: Danny Fenton, Original Characters, Peter Parker Additional Tags: Crossover Angst Week 2024, Human Experimentation, Needles, Guys in White | GIW Organization (Danny Phantom), Ambiguous/Open Ending Series: Part 1 of Bre's Crossover Angst Week 2024 Summary:
Peter has done some really dumb stuff over the course of his life, especially when he became Spider-Man.
Breaking into a government facility out in the middle of the woods when he's supposed to be camping with his aunt really takes the cake, though.
Surely this won't backfire on him too horribly, right?
Or,
Peter does a dumb and very quickly comes to regret it.
GIW experimentation
So, I'm a tad bit late to the party, but tbf I did just find out about this today, and I'm pretty happy that I was able to get this out in just a few hours XD
Anyway, here's Day 1! I'm planning on writing something for every day of the event, including the days I missed, such as this one. Yall can look forward to more angst to come >:3
#dpcaw24#danny fenton#peter parker#ghost investigation ward#experimentations#peter makes some mistakes#but its okay#probably#maybe#itll be okay eventually anyway#but for now he is suffering a bit :3#open ending#this will probably get continued at some point#dunno when#but that seems to happen to all of my fics#also why is it so hard to tag#at least on ao3 cuz tbh tumblr isnt too horrible#i feel like my fic should probably have more tags but idk what to do lol#anyway enjoy the fic#it is angst#granted its not nearly as angsty as some of the others ive got planned#but yknow#im just having fun torturing my blorbos
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wanna write but don’t know what to write
#i could finish that beyond the hours bit about their first date#i could work on the second chapter of maroon#i could work on the next chapter of so mordor it is#those last two are angsty#i could finish up some of the requests or 10k stories i’ve got rotting in my google docs graveyard#OR#now hear me out#i could take a nap :D
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i love being an age regressor ૮ᴖﻌᴖა ♡ tonight it feels very affirming and comforting. I've kind of always had to look out for myself and be my biggest supporter, and there are a lot of strange ways this feels like a second chilhood at times.
like i regress to being younger, but I'm also a girl now in a completely different place with completely different circumstances/social circles etc. yk?
but when i feel rly small and my reality feels so big, it makes me happy that older me is there for me to make the important decisions and guide us there :3 it's like i am holding my hand through this, i haven't had an adult rly look out for me like this and it's so nice to have one now!!
i don't have to be scared of big changes, I'm doing good and I'm here for me and i can take it easy. i have someone who is helping me ♡ i have someone who is keeping me safe. they work hard so i can be little ^.^ thanks big sis hehe ✌🏾
ouggghh im not little anymore but (。ノω\。) ♡ yeah. when i am little i can still like.. function as an adult n talk to ppl n stuff. but it's also like, well like i said before ig 0:
like im smaller but different‚ subtly. still me‚ but someone else since I'm like.. a teen?? that i never was. my childhood was nothing like my adulthood so this rly is a whole new thing little me has needed to learn 2 navigate emotionally/mentally.
but as i become more aware of when I'm in a little headspace and not, the difference in perception stands out to me a lot more. i can't articulate it very well... oughh. this is giving me very specific questions, but on that note — i am happy to feel so safe and looked out for when I'm little 😌💕 i used to feel scared and helpless but it's different now. we're doing this together 👩🏽🤝👩🏾 i got ya lil sis
#sometimes I'm a teen sometimes I'm like 6ish??#the latter is rare but hm ૮ – ﻌ–ა when I'm little older me is still aware and can handle talking to ppl and getting the sentiment across n#whatnot. i don't know off the top of my head how different teen me and younger me are from each other 0: or how similar we all are#but bc older me is always aware like we all have my memories and experiences yk? and my littles r just Here and they come n go randomly#i am curious about these headspaces..#oh ? i went into the younger headspace rn (❁´◡`❁) ♡ it is pretty different.#very docile (。ノω\。) not a lot of thoughts just like. vague feelings. she laid on my big plushie n got comfies and drifted away though#idk...... i like.. invited other parts of myself 2 come say hey 2 me and make their presence known#(。・ω・。)ノ so i can take better care of n be more responsible for us since it's not just me yk?#and like teen me is kinda bratty and angsty lol but also such a hoe 💀 i love her akskaka girl..#she's such a daddy's girl low-key?? I've never had a dad or wanted one before lol.. she a lil boycrazy 🙈💕#i mean.. so am i but she's taking it to new heights lol!! 😭 it's interesting what wires get crossed n new connections I'm making these days#but like. they're both p different from me at both their respective ages and just compared to when I'm not regressed.#the teen one's been harder to pin down just bc i kinda go in n out of that one a lot but it's been going on a lot longer than i realize#so like.. i just naturally made space for me to be that way without knowing?? but now when i regress I'm like hey what up ✌🏾😏#ms ma'am's here to vibe for a bit. maybe look at some cute boys‚ maybe talk some shit‚ flirt a little who knows 💀#she's kind of a hoodrat like i was ill give her that lmao 😹 she's fun#she's also a lovergirl who rly cares about our friends just like me ʕ ꈍᴥꈍʔ ♡ i think on a surface lvl u wouldn't know the difference#between us unless u hung out around me a lot‚ but it's cute to think about ^.^#u are hanging out with us 👩🏽🤝👩🏾💕 we r having fun and appreciate u
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pls give the people (me) what they want (Jance fluff and smut)
bold of you to assume i'm writing fluff
#it started a bit angsty and it just got angstier#oopsie#(we'll probably get to the fluff part at some point but we gotta suffer first)#nace jordan#jan peteh#jance#janace#joker out#ask
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Angsty Shit: Pt 3
Fairies don’t belong in the city or suburbs, do they?
Life is not easy when you’re two-to-three inches tall and resemble a little moth or butterfly. If the natural world already having it out for you, you mouse-sized little creature, wasn’t bad enough- you look like a bug. Humans hate bugs.
Jon, by all logic, shouldn’t be anywhere near humans- if he had his way, he’d be right back out in his nice little field, terrorizing the other fairies and hiding in his cozy little home. But, this year, the local farmer decided he wanted that field too, and Jon has now found himself evicted. Unintentionally, granted, but when they started spraying bug-killer, Jon the bug-adjacent fairy had to flee, quickly.
So now he’s fled to the human city, and so far it’s been… mixed. He’s safe from that awful shit they spray the air with, but now he has to contend with the humans themselves. Indirectly, they’re a threat- their huge feet could crush him before they even realized he was there, or he could get clipped by a car, or kicked as they walk. He could get slammed in a door. He could get trapped. The human world is so, so big.
But that’s indirectly- directly, they’re monsters. That’s all he can think, watching them frantically rush kill spider, beetle or bee whenever it treads to close to them (Jon doesn’t like spiders either, but come on). Mouse traps are absolutely terrifying- they could snap his arm or leg in an instant. The poison ones probably would have gotten him, whatever was inside it had smelled good, and he was hungry- but the mice got to it first and he watched them die from it, so now he knows better.
The sticky ones… the sticky ones are nightmares. He’s seen the bodies on them- in a morbid way, it makes them easier to avoid. Those, he understands and can spot early, simply going around them- he doesn’t want to know what would happen if his wings got caught in such a thing.
However, sometimes he isn’t really looking where he’s going- particularly when he’s being chased by a cat. Fucking cats. They’re terrifying, their claws like daggers, their teeth like swords- he’s dodged them before, but there’s so many here, and they cluster around the human dens looking for food and shelter too. Unfortunately for Jon, they think he’s a perfectly fine dinner- he managed to get out of the cat’s teeth, thankfully (he bit it right on the nose) but now it’s chasing him and he’s hurting and oh fuck- now they’re both caught. The cat squalls, caught by the paw, and Jon flails around to avoid it- but he’s smaller and lighter and he gets stuck. Really stuck
The cat’s wailing is what brings the humans, and when they see it caught they hurriedly shout and try to grab it- Jon is dragged right up with it as they frantically try to get it loose. He can tell by the collar it must be theirs, and maybe that’s why they’re so worried (some humans like cats, he’s learned, and keep them in their homes, he’s mocked them from outside the windows often enough- maybe this is karma).
Somehow, they manage to get it loose, and the cat runs off limping with its fur bushed out, to hide- but then they spot him, frantically trying to tear himself loose, little wings beating, entirely stuck. And their tones change- ‘bug’, they call him. ‘Pest’. The insult of it makes him want to scream.
They freed the cat, but he doesn’t get the same treatment- perhaps because he is a ‘pest’, perhaps because a paw is one thing, and Jon, caught by the entirety of one side of his body, is another. Either way, they talk amongst themselves and Jon just has to sit there, trying to get loose and failing miserably.
They put him outside. Still stuck. On a pile of their human trash. The indignity- he’s not fucking trash!
The more he tries to get loose, the more it hurts- he’s tearing his skin, already wounded from the cat. He doesn’t even know how he’ll free his wings, because those will surely rip, and then he’ll be flightless in the human world, which is no doubt a death sentence. This whole trap might be a death sentence, actually, because he can’t get free and it’s cold outside and he’s hungry and he’s thirsty and-
Someone picks him up. Or, they pick up the trap, with him on it- Jon hisses, as best as he’s able. He can’t really turn his head to see them, but he hisses anyways, because what else can he do? He’s put in a box and put in a car. Some small part of him is a little awe-struck, actually, by that… he can’t help but be fascinated by their machines. Sure, he can’t really see it, but the purr of its engine sounds nice.
He’s taken home and put on a table and suddenly there is a very bright light being shone on him- he wants to hide so bad. All the rage has bled out of him and now all he wants to do is run away and die his miserable little death somewhere dark and warm.
The human pours something on him, something gross and oily, and starts messing with him, gloved fingers poking and prodding him, at the seam between his wings and limbs and the adhesive. Jon’s too tired to bite him, or do much- he chirps a little, but that’s about it.
And, gradually- he starts to come unstuck, little by little. The human holds him so he doesn’t slump right back into it, carefully freeing his wings, sore and damaged, but mostly whole. He didn’t break any bones, at least. The human lets out a sound when he sees Jon’s injuries, and the little, shivering fairy finds himself tucked up in a dish towel while the sink warms up.
He’s washed off- Jon at first thinks he’s being drowned, and struggles a bit. Then he tires out, and the human goes back to cleaning all the oil off of him, carefully scrubbing his wings and his hair to make sure he’s cleaned up. He’s dried off, and something is dabbed onto his wounds- Jon chirps, and tries to twist around to scrub it off, but they’re covered before he can manage it and he gives up the effort. It’s not too bad, really- Jon wonders why this human is being gentle, and what he’s doing.
The unpleasant bit is when he’s picked up, a syringe shoved towards his face. Jon snaps, hisses, and sinks his teeth into the human’s thumb. Then he finds himself caught by the jaw and he becomes frightened again, chirping with alarm. Whatever the first stuff he’s given is, it’s bitter, and he wants to spit it out but can’t quite manage it. The second, thankfully, is easily recognized- water. Water and sugar, and that, at least, he takes without a fight.
After that, he’s not really sure where he winds up, only that it is indeed dark and warm, set on a pile of soft things. Jon doesn’t have the energy to question it- instead, he just curls up to sleep, absolutely exhausted.
#hahaa tiny fairy angst. this time ft. Jon! ngl I based a tiny bit of this off of the amount of cat attacks we get in almost daily.#- small birds small rodents- the glue traps haven’t come in yet but I’ve heard they will. imagine how frightening that would be for a little#- fairy… but yeah. in a world in which little fairies were common I got to wondering if they would be labeled ‘pests’ or not and here we go.#but at least there’s a nice ending- thank heavens for Butler#tiny fairy AU#angsty shit#fun fact- any cat attack patient that gets brought in with even the tiniest puncture gets antibiotics. no hesitation. because cats have#- some pretty toxic stuff in their saliva if you’re a little mouse or bird.
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remembering old fandoms and rps and aus i had and im realizing this isnt the first time an au version of frostbite interacted a lot with someone who at least in text had a quirk that does something to the letter s which is ironic considering their name
#...........im talking about hr again sorry my condition gets worse each day especially when im more open about it#the previous/other one was a few years back.#it was . my gorillaz days...! and my gangreen gang specific hyperfix...! (never actually watched ppg)#they were besties with snake and there was a joke they adopted him and that he was their “sssson” even if they were only like a year older#our au ggg was very different bc it was like 4-3 ppl rping our own shit but it was very found family and backstories were Angsty#and obviously snake hisssssesss hisss letter sss#then hr haff hiff liffp#fun fact i used to have a pretty nasty lisp when i was younger before i got my teeth fixed up a bit so i honestly unironically love#characters with any kind of lisp even if its the daffy duck kind (who may be a bit hard for me to understand when voice acted like that but#i still Enjoy)#(i need subtitles for literally anything anyway)#anyways ggg au frostbite is also the edgiest of all the au frostbites that exist#least developed/just cool design is glamrock frost#most developed as a character and MOST goofy is toontown frost#anyways back on the lisp whoever put the letter s into the word lisp genuinely needs to die. and the word stop. yes i got bullied about#my lisp why do you ask#ok since im rambling heres a bigger ramble#both gorillaz and hr make me feel better abt my teeth#all the band members in gorillaz have mad fucked up teeth and i didnt have access to a good dentist until like 2020. i was endlessly#bullied for my teeth and i had difficulities eating some things and other health issues because i had horrid teeth bc of genes + my parents#didnt teach me to clean my teeth properly like wow you gotta go BETWEEN the teeth. the white stuff that covers your teeth ISNT GOOD ACTUALL#and hr has a mad overbite and i have that too so that makes me feel better..ive been rlly subconscious abt that lately actually#still wondering why nobody bothered gettin that fixed but i guess everything else was a bigger issue#and the fact i was missing my front teeth#yeah my health back then wasnt the best ! and i was bullied abt it even by my own best friends parents! no good! but seeing silly band#members who r fictional who i was hyperfixated on helped me feel better#man wish i could hide stuff from appearing in tag searches bc i just like rambling in the tags#but then i say one word and it appears in the tags and im super subconsious about it now bc i made one ramble and boom why is it in the#hr tag :sob: :skull:#OH WELL.
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I like to think all "AU's" are just different life cycles. Characters die, and they are reborn in a new world, but their core appearance and identity may not even change, but, of course, no matter how they may be tethered to someone, their memories will vanish, and they'll have to rebuild what they had from square one.
These three got lucky. In the final cycle, an eternal one, they become Honour, Yakob and Sir/Sire, each immortal in a different way.
Honour retained all the memories from her past lives for once, so the second she popped into existence as some weird out-of-bounds entity, she was already kind of. Drained. Just from the memories of how many time their two most cherished beings in the world died. They tried being a bit more secretive about everything to avoid overwhelming the other two with information,
But it just resulted in Sir, an ethereal guardian of humanity made to defeat demons, misinterpreting her actions and behaviour in the worst way possible. Honour just came off as some weird cryptic Devil here to wreck shop.
Sire still means well, he was originally just me going "What if Shilo was in Twinsomnia's canon?", so the desire to protect humanity is strong with this one. Upon meeting Yakob, a runaway robot-automaton-construct-whatever that was literally indestructible, they became the metal man's first friend and guide to the new world.
They're both the same kind-hearted dorks as they were in the past, and they stuck together, trying to uncover whatever the Hell was Honour's secret evil plot. Of course, there was no evil plot, but she was happy that at least those two reunited, and quickly returned to the kind of dynamic only she'd remember.
Thankfully, after some shenanigans, they do ens up figuring their shit out, Sir and Yakob also get the past memories back, so now they're vibing as a nice little reassembled polycule of immortals. Good for them!
#do i use the separate tags..#nah they're still the same people pretty much sans some differences 'cause y'know rebirth and whatnot#ronna kuruz#i renamed her into ''honour'' because it kinda sounds like ''ronna'' spelled backwards and they are as honourable as ever.#strizh/shilo#renamed them into ''sire/sir'' to keep in line with boy'n'girl and the king and queen and whatnot: the ''name'' being. not an actual name.#ian katod#renamed him into ''yakob'' because it sounds nice and it's a simple name for a nice and simple man. that's all there is really. :-)#this is kinda like their heaven y'know like i'll always keep in mind that hey no matter how many angsty ''au's'' i make this will be their-#-point. it's an inevitable GOOD ENDING for three people that deserve it more than any of my oc's if i'm honest. they got put through a lot.#probably will be put through a lot more! but they'll be okay in the end - if a bit cringe and fail at times. :-]
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At the crossroads between wondering if it's worth it to basically completely rewrite all my WIPs or just take a break from writing for the rest of the summer
#i noticed every summer i get progressively worse lol#like not in terms of writing but in terms of everything else goin on in my head#i mean if anyone is craving some dark and depressing shit i've got bits and pieces here#it's like i'm writing for an audience even in my own mind. can't finish anything because it's __ __ __ etc and my niche is too niche.#did my last fic really burn me out that much?? i mean it was basically 30 thousand words and there was a LOT packed into it#maybe i should finally respond to comments and i'll feel better.#something's been going on with me for the past couple months (maybe longer) and i'm just annoyed ALL the time#feel like i want to give up everything and stop talking to everyone. ((it could be my out of whack hormones mind))#so if i haven't been as active and haven't drawn or written much that's why. i'm pulling away and curling in like an atrophied limb.#my brain is just permanently in school mode. i can feel it gearing up for the oncoming year that's going to be super intense.#like would it even matter if i post any more work before september? idk why i can never seem to chill or take a break for even a minute.#i still have drawing projects i want to finish at least! taking me literally all summer because of surprise health problems.#partner was consoling me about how i feel for writing '''weird''' stuff with almost no focus on romance#saying that SOMEbody has to write what i write so that should keep me going. i just tell myself that it could be worse -#- i could be primarily a femslash writer. they are the real heroes and they get no respect.#idk why i'm getting so angsty#i think i might be romance/sex repulsed atm. not in real life at all but in fandom. i'm bored of it. and i'm bored of conversations about i#i'm sure i'll change my mind in what two weeks or so.#maybe i'll try to write something original#i have things in my ask box i should respond to. like asks about my writing. i just haven't been feeling well#so i haven't had the right brain to respond :( but i see the asks and i'm grateful <3#anyway peace and love
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[ID in Alt] this was made in a haze but I desperately wanted to portray what popped into my mind upon reading this post. Like a traumatized Full House
So anyway, since Bruce abandoned his family, are they gonna let Damian go live with Dick in the Tower orrr is DC going to keep being dumb and not take advantage of such a golden opportunity...
#dc comics#damian wayne#dick grayson#uhhh i could tag the others but it's not really necessary#anyway i am actually really enjoying the batman and robin series so far. so i can kind of excuse the way it's off in it's own world#it's world i so far prefer living in#but this??? this enchants me#(also on an actually angsty side like. Dick and Damians relationship started off with Dick being forced into a position of care-#-there was banter and positive reinforcement but there was tension-#-and by all accounts it seems like once the two weren't being coerced by circumstance that's when they really got closer-#-so... imagine.... putting them back in that similar scenario...except now the character dynamics have evolved)#(dick is someone damain trusts implicitly and now damian is burdening him. dick knows damian is a good kid but goddamnit he can't do this r#-and worst of all bruce is a) alive b) a mess c)...now a real tangible person with a relationship to damian that he can actually miss#no more hypotheticals. it's painful. it's deliciously juicy. if i had any steam in me I'd write it)#(alas this silly comic is the funnier summation of my thoughts on the matter)#also fun fact: wallys text initially said ''honey please daddys witnessing the horrors'' but i felt like that brought down the tone a bit#also i did not want to hand letter all that (the text is referencing the current events of si spurriers flash run btw)#then roy and lian i was like. okey based on what's happening now in GA this is like best case scenario#they've been through some stuff but they're together. father daughter bonding time (vowing vengeance against those who threatened your fam)
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Me: *creates an OC*
Me: *heavily implies OC will meet a bad fate*
OC: *meets bad fate*
Me:
(Alternatively, I may have started it, but @katkastrofa enabled me and now I’m losing my mind)
#Kat and Nia and their multiverse of madness#first rule of interacting with Nia: don’t suggest a dark/whumpy/extremely angsty concept to them#they’ll take it and run a marathon with it and next thing you know their own ideas are making them cry#this is just what happens when I start developing an OC during a rough time in my life#happens every time. guess who came up with Summiya’s fall from grace after their college application fell through??#and since Summiya has a more or less completed storyline. it’s now someone else’s turn#namely Jia’s. also Sunat’s but. mostly Jia’s. Sunat is more angst than whump and I’m craving PAIN#I’ve been frothing at the mouth thinking about Jia all day#just.. imagine how terrified she must have been when she was brought before Jusamah. when he said that he’d make her talk one way or another#and if she doesn’t want to obey and confess willingly… something else can be arranged#how her fear got even worse when she was dragged into the palace dungeons. when she saw the whipping post#begging for mercy as she was stripped and tied. swearing on her life that she doesn’t know anything. that she’s innocent#rambling incoherently right up until the first hit lands. after that it’s just screams and sobs and barely audible ‘I don’t know’s#all the while she’s yelled at by a man three times her age who refuses to believe that she truly doesn’t know anything#and she doesn’t. all she did was point Aiza in a direction. she has no proof she even went in it#I don’t want to get to graphic here but let’s just say I read an article on whipping and it’s.. it’s bad#the aftermath is brutal and bloody and passing out from the pain would be a mercy#and afterwards… I do think someone is called to tend to her so she doesn’t bleed to death before they can get a confession out of her#and that person is kind. if a little detached emotionally. and likely her back could have been salvaged if the whipping didn’t repeat#but it did. because they need her to confess. maybe the excruciating pain of reopened wounds will get her to talk…#it doesn’t. she never says anything. and after a while they move on from torture to locking her up and starving her#maybe that’ll finally break her. perhaps she’s still whipped occasionally even afterwards but for the most part she’s just left alone-#in some dark cell and questioned occasionally. it lasts anywhere from weeks to months and yet she never gives out the one detail she knows#because Aiza’s safety depends on it and she knows Aiza’s punishment will be much worse than hers if she’s caught#but anyway. enough of the bloody horror show. instead think about what it must’ve been like for her parents#the town is alight with scandal following the disappearance of Lady Aiza. you know a bit about her since your daughter works for her#you don’t hear from your daughter for a while. eventually someone tells you that she’s been convicted of helping Lady Aiza run away#she’s been under interrogation since. no one’s seen her but rumour has it they’re torturing her. there’s little you can do as a poor family#you request an audience with Lord Jusamah. it takes a long time to to be granted but eventually you’re before him begging for your daughter#apparently she’s proven to be a useless waste of resources so she’s released to you. you barely recognise her. AND I REACHED TAG LIMIT FML
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you can make fandom posts for a niche game, but Watch Out
#i was briefly really into a game that has a small but seemingly really close knit fandom here#and i posted for it a bit and got a few followers and a well performing post or two#and i dont dislike the game now. i think its still nice and fun. but the guilt that i dont post about it anymore haunts me#i think the logical solution is to post about it again. but the thoughts i have arent at all what everyone else posts like#like sorry i just enjoy having a boat and free reign to go wherever and dress up how i want. im sorry im not angsty about the actual plot#will you take 1 doodle of my little guy.#<- absolutely silly. why even show up to the fandom tag if i could just HAVE some magician with a boat in ANY other setting. hell i could#i could just write about him on my own. he could escape the fate of being player character oc#id have to rename him if thats the case but thats not a huge problem methinks#<- stream of consciousness style tags that i might delete later :3#my posts B)
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