#some of my irl friends called me yesterday so we could watch one of my favourite movies too

[viaetor]

tips my toes in back here, hello ;;;;; thank you so much for all the supportive messages and asks you guys sent ! i'm doing so, so, SO much better. thank you so much for the good wishes 💕 friends DO heal u. this is me:

[bobatelevision]

i had to put my sweet baby down yesterday...

on thursday morning he was fine, eating and drinking fine. nothing out of the ordinary. thursday night he seems to have trouble breathing, he had discharge around his eyes, and kept making these pained noises I've never heard him make before. he had no appetite and wasnt drinking water. i bought some critical care to try force feeding him but he wasnt accepting it at all and tried to give him a mix of pedialyte + water to get him fluids and he accepted some but not a lot. i thought he maybe had some upper respiratory infection and maybe needed antibiotics, so i started calling some veterinarians in my area.

it was really late at night too so i called around and had such a hard time finding a vet to treat him bc most of the animal hospitals either:

-serviced guinea pigs

-their exotic vet wasnt in that night

-serviced guinea pigs but was closed

i was scared to even go to sleep that night bc his conditioned looked so bad, i didnt think he would even make it to the morning. but he managed to survive the night, so i called around again and was able to find a vet about 40 min away that could take him. we enter the hospital and they immediately take him in and i was in the waiting room. the doc comes out to talk to me to explain what was happening.

he had a stone in his bladder that was blocking his urethra and he couldn't urinate. bladder stones can be very life threatening bc if an animal cant pee, it can develop an infection (sepsis) and even get a heart attack. when she examined him, everytime she palpated his bladder he would be in pain, so they gave him a pain injection. they lead me into a room to explain what his treatment would consist of, and i was fucking shocked.

nearly $5k for his surgery and treatment, i couldn't fucking believe it. the worst part is there really was no plan b on his treatment that wasn't euthanasia. i felt so fucking sick, but i had to think on it more. i thought about maybe calling other animal hospitals but i already had a lot of trouble trying to find anyone to treat him at all, and even if there was a miracle situation where i could afford his treatment, it would not guarantee that he wouldnt fall ill again. on top of the fact that guinea pigs are really fragile creatures and dont have very long life spans. the procedure is incredibly invasive and could put so much stress on his little body. i didnt want him to be in more pain than he really was.

so i made the tough decision on putting him down, because i didn't want him to suffer any longer. i'm so heartbroken bc although i knew we would part ways one day, i didnt imagine it would be so soon. we spent past 3 years together, i adopted him mid pandemic bc being stuck in a different country from the rest of my family is incredibly isolating. i gave him so much love and spoiled him so much. he ate veggies & hay to his hearts content, would start cui-cuing at the sound of a bag being opened, he got to sleep in the largest and comfiest pet beds. he used to sleep on my nap while i gamed or watched shows. he was very skittish with people, except for me bc he knew i would give him the world. i'm feeling so defeated rn. i stayed with him til the very last moment, he was very sedated but soo cuddly in the last hour. the only thing to bring me peace of mind is knowing he was relaxed and in no pain in his final moments.

he doesn't know the amount of people that love him around the world, even as far as Australia. he had an impact on many people. all my irls and my online friends absolutely adored him. even my mom, who is deathly afraid of rodents, thought he was so cute and precious bc of how fluffy he is. his departure left a huge hole in my heart. when i got back home, i bursted into tears looking at his empty enclosure. im so used to him jumping around and getting quirked up when he hears me enter my room. i just cant believe i'll never get to see him, or hold him, or even feed him again.

Rest in Peace, my beloved Taro.

I love you so dearly, you may very little but you had a very huge heart.. and appetite. You will always be missed and I hope you are enjoying large quantities of lettuce in cui cui heaven.

[weebsinstash]

No no you’re so right about the batfam thing, I thought I was the only one here. They’re all so mentally ill and have seen so much shit, this gray area of taking care of you (but at the same time never attempting to cure you) is so on brand.

Reader: ok so can I just go over this again. I was a grown adult woman with a job and an apartment and my own arguably shitty life and I was even a vigilante

Dick: yep sounds right so far

Reader: and I had a run in with a villain and maybe almost died and in the end i got turned back into a kid

Jason: yeah it was real scary, Damian totally cried

Reader: and after I was a kid again and i couldnt remember anything 'from the future', you gave me a new place to live, you fed me, you housed me, you even registered me in school and I literally went to high school with you guys

Barbara: yeah and the teachers love you ^^

Reader: i would have nightmares and PTSD and then one or even several of you would sleep in the same room as me, Alfred learned all my favorite dishes, we literally took family vacations overseas, you took me to all kinds of doctors whenever I was worried about my hair or my skin or wasn't feeling well to make sure I was literally in perfect health and wouldnt worry, some of you call me your sister completely unironically, and you guys did all of that, all of that for like FIVE YEARS--

Damian: well of course

Reader: and you NEVER attempted to talk to Dr Fate or Zatanna or Mr Terrific or like literally anyone about how to fix this and turn me back to normal literally NOT EVEN one single time? And what the fuck, are these ADOPTION PAPERS?

Jason:

Dick:

Bruce:

Barbara:

The dog:

Alfred, being as brutally honest as ever: it never came into consideration, no

Reader: man, fuck you guys, I'm gonna see what that "Earth-3" dimension is like, maybe THEIR Batman isn't a complete freak 😒

But gosh you wanna talk about morally gray, I was thinking of something when I was watching those Jason clips yesterday and you know, depending on the movie, people were discussing how he literally had head trauma that also could have altered his mental state and i began thinking: what if Reader got a concussion and it eventually spirals into the Batfam basically turning it into one big convenient excuse

Like imagine Reader is, you know a member or extended member of the fam, whether as is or attached to that age regression amnesia idea, and a villain just, REALLY gets a good move in, maybe the Joker himself brings his good friend the crowbar back and you take a good swing to the back of the head, and you have, like, CONFIRMED head trauma, definitely concussed, maybe you even need surgery or treatment for a fractured skull. Just the entire Batfam crowded around your bed comforting you as you lay there in bandages feeling just so weak and helpless and sad 🥺 and maybe not just the concussion but also the resulting months of bedrest until you recover directly result in you needing physical therapy so you're also physically weaker than before

And this goes from "oh gosh Reader is forgetting things more often and her ability to think and focus has obviously changed, what if this is permanent, we better make sure we support her and keep her company and try to help her and make things as accessible as possible" developing to "clearly you are only upset with us because your concussion scrambles you up sometimes and you're more emotional than you were before and you're not always in the right state of mind. what do you MEAN you want to move out and The Mission is stupid and none of us are actually fixing anything, youve never said stuff like this before, that's ridiculous, clearly you're just having another overstimulated meltdown but that's ok, we know you're struggling and you're still our family so we'll make sure you stay here and stay safe 🥰"

And you know, the Reader character is all emotional and stuff, but as the IRL Reader thats one of those situations where you kinda go "well shit, she DID have a traumatic head injury, from the Batfam's perspective you COULD legitimately just be suffering from a concussion and these 'aren't your real feelings'" and it's super morally gray because like yeah, you've been hurt real bad, and maybe you're still recovering, and maybe you do legitimately have a somewhat, er, slightly diminished mental ability now, but that's all manifesting in "you're literally having to break out of the house just to get some time to yourself because youre trapped or have a constant babysitter and Batman himself drags you back kicking and screaming while he's gently scolding how you shouldn't be out there by yourself and that you have to be more careful because what if you got hurt 🥺"

And even if Reader's emotions weren't being affected at all like, it brings THEM some sort of fucked up closure to believe that you're just a little unwell and not, like, you hating them because 'they couldn't protect you' and it is arguably their fault you even got brutalized in the first place. Bruce just internalizing the extreme guilt he feels until it manifests into you basically being treated even MORE like, like some kind of bubble baby, constantly kept safe in your perfectly handcrafted little prison of 'a peaceful life'.

[catkin-morgs-kookaburralover]

writing poetry sometimes feels like you gotta cut yourself open to express it idk smear all your organs all over the page and hope somebody else reads something beautiful. is that like divination the way it's expressed in various places and things? I dunno. poetry never slides off your skin like water off a duck's back. it's from within I think. sometimes you have to tear yourself apart to get at the words and sometimes it just wells up from within and gushes out. always from somewhere deep inside. sometimes it's difficult and horrible and painful but the alternative would be worse. sometimes it's from sheer joy that must overflow into words. I think that's beautiful personally. skin splitting from joy. it happens, I think, to us all at some point. or maybe I'm just a creature of extremes. maybe that online test I did because a friend recommended it is true. it said my symptoms were high. I don't know. maybe it is true, maybe it's not. I read a book once where there was a character named Nathan Hill-and-Dale, and while I'm not nearly as extreme as he was portrayed, in my extremes, I know I'm a fairly volatile person. funny, for most people who see me IRL seem to think that I'm fairly calm. nope, I'm a volcano. watch out, even when I'm apparently calm I might blow up one way or the other. one of my residents' family members said today that I was young and bubbly and she was glad to see it because happiness is the prerogative of the young. a part of me wished I told her. I have actively tried to kill myself once; I have come extremely close to the same actions countless times including yesterday; I would sooner hurt myself than others; if I had my own choice I would simply starve. of course I didn't tell her. sometimes I think I'll never get better. at this point I would consider it a very high chance that I will either die by suicide or end up in hospital following an attempt. not now, of course. but despite my fierce love for my course it has stress associated with it and I think that it's very likely that no psych help on earth would fix my mental health enough for that not to be an option mentally in this short time. I think it's possible to recover from all of the things I struggle with. God help me, I hope it is. the real question is whether I will survive long enough to recover from them. and the answer? I know not. I was reminded of a past interaction with the boy today, where he called my name - I turned - his grandfather, a photographer, was waiting to see if he could get a decent photo, for we were at a church conference and he was trying to get photos everywhere. they were laughing. I could not help but laugh. that memory is tainted now, for he would not look at me now, let alone try to pull such a stunt again. I don't blame him. I don't blame anyone for it. I wonder what would happen if I blocked all my friends on discord; who would seek me out? part of me hopes people would, another part hopes they would not. sometimes I just want to be left alone to curl up and die. it would be easier. so much easier than living, and living, and living. I tried writing poetry just now. it felt like trying to cut myself open, I couldn't get the words out. it only made me feel rather wild. I'm desperate for change, for something. something. what is that something? I don't know. did you know I'm a sadist? I would not in a public place express the thoughts that led me to that conclusion. but I am. I wish I wasn't. there's an obvious solution to that. quick, and easy. so easy. too easy. I tried writing poetry, and then instead of writing anything coherent, I wrote this.

[daz4i]

couldn’t fall asleep yesterday so i thought of like. what sort of relationship i’d have with bsd characters irl. and it’s interesting. here’s my insight

i call tecchou my bungou bestie for a reason bc we would definitely get along. he’s got a lot of things similar to one of my irl besties too - probably the one i’m closest to - so i can like, say it with confidence even

akutagawa also. i’ve had so many besties like him throughout my life. we will meet on thursday in dizengoff center and sit on the floor together until security kicks us out. might get piercings together.

i would fall so hard for chuuya and kunikida. i’d be sooooo down bad for them both. esp kunikida tbh.

chuuya would probably think i’m annoying and try being polite to me at first, but i think will eventually start liking me? at least a little bit. or maybe i just want to hope he would lol

kunikida will adopt an “i can fix him” mindset i think (while originally watching the anime i said i’m like if you put katai and dazai in a blender and i still stand by that. and this is why i think kunikida would try to fix me or at least care abt me in return. this is accurate science trust me)

speaking of dazai. instant enemies. both of us can’t stand people who are similar to us, and, well, we’re similar. lots of passive aggressive jabs and fake niceness. might eventually become friends to talk shit together if we’re forced to be in the same place/social situation for long enough

fyodor would not care much for me at first but i’ll probably think he’s hot and interesting to i’ll play into his ego and we’ll become closer. i’ll let him manipulate me idm. he could hurt me so easily if he wanted but i don’t think he will bc he won’t gain much from it. eventually i’ll get tired of him tho so we’ll stop talking gradually

now. the most interesting thought i had. which is also what started it all. is nikolai. bc like dazai he is also very similar to me, so i probably wouldn’t like him at first. we will have some weird rivalry i think. but then see we understand each other a lot, AND that we see the world in different ways, and this will get us closer. enemies to lovers situation. i’ll become obsessed with him and i hope he will in return too. it will probably go up in flames bc he doesn’t want to be obsessed. lots of drama. no moment of rest with us two god bless

these are all the thoughts i had. hbu besties? who is your bungou bestie? who would you fall in love with irl? who would fall in love with you in return, do you think? do share.

[fordp1nes]

my brain has been overloaded with a lot of different emotions in a lot of intensities that i'm Not Used To and it's been extremely. deeply. unpleasant. (yo uhh long ventpost under the cut. reader beware you're in for deeply suppressed emotions)

it's like. how does this kind of fucking thing keep happening? beyond the obvious exceptions (you guys) it feels like my friends hate me. i've been getting into like. EXTREMELY incandescent rages at the worst ones. they last like hours sometimes. and then a moment later my mood switches entirely and i feel like i'm about to cry. but at the same time, i never let myself actually say how i feel, because that would Cause Problems and i have a history of even worse things happening to me because i said how i felt in a way that was harmful. but this is hurting me RIGHT NOW. y'know?

the crying thing is really bizarre especially. yesterday i felt like i was about to cry at every single point in the school day. the entire goddamn time. but i didn't. there was a REALLY close call but i didn't. and thats because i (and Another Guy (You Know Who You Are (Hey Man (How's it going)))) have had an issue with a guy Literally Stalking Us. but its also because of other things but the guy who is quite literally stalking me is NOT fucking helping. the entire day yesterday i felt like he would come in at any fucking moment. i'm talking full hypervigilance mode. i haven't had to be like that in a while but oh my god. it's so much worse than it was online .

another thing that happened yesterday was people switching in at very strange times. we were dicking around with a friend during some free time in one of my classes and they took a picture of me (which i was okay with/encouraged). whoever was fronting (i don't even fucking KNOW who it could have been) put their head in their hands and then someone IMMEDIATELY popped right in and had to figure out wtf had just happened.

things have been very weird and emotionally skewed recently. it is fucking with us A Lot. hey uhh if you've gotten this far a) Sorry and b) give us a little leeway if we seem off or snappy or short with you. a lot of emotions have been Happening and i have basically uhh. zero outlet for them.

but like?? the bullying and shit has gone up by a factor of 5 and i have no IDEA why. last year practically nothing happened and this year Something Has Happened for pretty much every day in a given week. even excluding the stalker guy. people have been pricks before but it's never felt like my life/safety was actually IN DANGER until now. not to mention this kind of thing happening in classes where i SHOULD be safe. people are talking LITERALLY RIGHT BEHIND my back in my drama class. i don't know what they're saying because my brain is bad at processing words when i can't see who's talking. but i can tell when it's about me, and that scares the living shit out of me. someone who i KNOW is transphobic got moved into my drama class and it's extremely hard to function as an actor and AS A PERSON when i know they're sitting there. watching me. and this isnt even getting into the stress i feel as a transgender person for the 2024 election

the election is in november. i think it's nov 5 2024 if i remember right. i *just barely* miss the cutoff to vote for president. by a little over a month. and i've been upset over this for Literally 8 years at this point, but i've never been SCARED over it until now. there is hate speech against people like me and myself everywhere. i know (or i guess knew. now. that's a different story) multiple trans people living in different states where their existence is being deemed illegal. but i'm the only person IRL who acts like i'm fucking scared. i'm terrified! WE SHOULD ALL BE TERRIFIED! if ANY republican gets elected, in a little over a year my entire life will be turned upside down. i'll have to move out of the country. i've never even BEEN out of the country before. i don't own a passport. if someone gets elected that won't tolerate people like me, i'll have a little under 2 months to pack my things and leave. i won't be able to join my graduating class, because i'm a fucking tranny and i'm not safe here.

LIKE I FEEL LIKE I'M GOING FUCKING INSANE! LITERALLY! i've had minor psychotic issues in the past but this is causing me to doubt fucking everything i've been experiencing because a) nobody else is scared, b) nobody else besides me (and the Other Person) is getting bullied as intensely (I DON'T KNOW WHAT I'M EVEN DOING WRONG????), and c) i can't confide in most of my friends on account of the whole I Think They Might Hate Me issue. i have had such bad luck with friends. especially in the last 4 years. i genuinely think i don't know how a real friendship is supposed to look or function, i've been mistreated and burned so many times. i already have issues opening up to people because of Past Happenings, but all of this is making stuff so much worse and i feel trapped and stuck. it's fucking terrifying. why am i the only one who is scared? why am i the only one who is being rejected?

THE FUCKING REJECTION! that's maybe the worst part!!! i'll wave at people and SAY THEIR NAMES IN THE HALL and they'll just breeze on by???? WHAT DID I FUCKING DO? NOBODY WILL TELL ME IF I'M DOING ANYTHING WRONG! they just breeze on by. it's like i'm fucking invisible. am i? AM I? WHAT THE HELL AM I DOING WRONG? seriously! it's WORSE THAN A 50/50 that a given person i say hi to by their entire ass NAME will actually acknowledge me back in any way. this fucking sucks man. okay i need to cut this off NOW before i never finish this. i'll probably delete this when one of us gets self conscious enough to. good lird man.

[protokirby]

I had a dream play out like a fanfiction again how fun!! :D

Anyhoo. Contrary to what I said yesterday about how rare it is to see Drayton unless I go to him, he went on an adventure with me in this dream.

It was me and Drayton, hanging out with some random background character the dream made up. This rando was kinda cool though. They had a car they would experiment on and by that I mean this rando added a feature to their car that would let them drive over water by having the car create an ice bridge as it was going. Like the frost walker enchantment in minecraft but with a whole dang car.

Anyway, the rando found it to work and invited me and Drayton to go across the ocean with them. So we got into the car with the suspiciously intelligent background character who was apparently known for making bad decisions too.

Dunno if I said before, but in dreams, I'm cowardly and a wimp. (Unless one of the imaginary friends is in danger then it seems to flip a switch and I become the nightmare for whatever put my imaginary friends in danger) I was nervous as flip going across the ocean in a magic ice car. I did not trust it. Drayton was having a good time though. That was pretty comforting in the dream.

So we went over a few islands. Crazy science background character was whoo-ing and hollering like how some country folk can be when they're excited. Never liked when people do that irl because of whatever the flip my autism does to my sense of hearing so it just made me more uncomfortable with the situation. Drayton got wind of it. Could have been from me covering my ears or I could have been making a face without realizing it or both, but he told the driver to shut up. Driver dude just gave a thumbs up and we kept going over the ocean in silence.

Until the ice bridge stuff began to stop working and driver dude had to pull over on the next closest island. It was a small-ish island next to a kind of big island with a giant city on it that was kind of like how Ultra Megalopolis looks but more. Jungle-like and the buildings were shaped different. Science dude told me and Drayton we could go explore this place while they worked on their car. Some of the locals, who were also brilliant minds, were super interested in what the guy did to their car and called it an astounding scientific accomplishment or whatever that would be useful for all society if it could be perfected. To that, I agree. I think it would be cool irl.

Me and Drayton went to the main island to explore some of the city. Drayton climbed up to the top of a tall tower by a ladder and starts video chatting with Drayden for who even knows why. Drayden says, "Where are you? That place looks like something out of a dream." (bruh XD) Drayton begins to say something but intentionally falls off the edge in a way that looks like an accident.

I spontaneously grow psychic powers and catch him as per my overprotective reflexes in dreams. I kind of lose my temper at him. It doesn't look like I lost my temper because of how whimsical I am but I did indeed lose my temper for a couple seconds in the dream. I said "Drayster my friend! Bestie! You know you can trust me to do that but please don't trust me to do that. What if I wasn't watching? The dragon would have been dra-GONE."

Main reason I lost my temper in the dream over that is because Hop would always behave that way, trusting me like that and making mischief knowing I'd bail him out. But one day I just never saw Hop or Leon in my dreams again no matter what I'd do. No clue what happened or if those two imaginary friends are dead or somethin or if Leon just got too worried that Hop would test my over protectiveness at the wrong time or what. Either way I don't want to risk losing another imaginary friend.

It's certainly funny until it's not. I want to stop that behavior in its tracks because a little chuckle in the now-time just ain't worth the possibility of losing a friend or more in the later-times.

Drayton was climbing back up the ladder to get his phone and he was preparing a huge grin on his face to reveal himself to Drayden with, but when he got up there, looks like his gramps already ended the call. No reaction for the Drayster. How sad. Anyway, he climbs back down.

There was some guy announcing the opening of a new water park. It didn't have anything to do with what would happen for the rest of the dream. It was just in the background and- honestly made everything feel more real. As if it's actually another universe where these folks are all just casually going about their lives. What even are my dreams anyway? Do any of yall dream like this? I want to know.

I don't remember some of the stuff that happened in between, but we found the entrance to a nature trail. Most of the critters around were african animals - plus a few australian animals, specifically emus and sugar gliders. There were also a few fantasy-floating-glowing creatures and also geese. Wonderfully bizarre this place is. It got even crazier soon.

Somewhere during the nature walk, me and Drayton found a cave and of course we went into the cave. Between the level of stupidity I have when I'm not actively in need of protecting my imaginary friends and--- whatever goofy carelessness Drayton has going on, nothing was stopping us from going into what was probably a dangerous place.

In the cave was the most nonsensical and amazing place I have ever seen. Even more so than the place I saw in the dream with the bird king.

When I say this place was beautiful, I'm using the actual definition of beautiful. I'm aware that I sometimes use the word beautiful to describe something amazingly funny, but not this time.

This cave was so cool- I can't even describe it properly. Heck, I don't think I could even draw it and like- drawing insane nonsense fantasy backgrounds is a thing I enjoy doing and am really good at. I don't think I could give this place justice no matter the way I try to describe it.

There was really neat natural bridges, some place that was a volcano and a glacier at the same time, things were floating, there were waist-deep ponds of golden oil we had to walk through. That description sucks. I just cannot describe it any better. But it was so awesome???

I hated being there in the dream cuz I was as cowardly as usual and also fearing for Drayton's life but the cave was not actually dangerous like my anxiety was making it out to be.

I woke up before the adventure concluded. In hindsight, I want to go back and explore the place more. Perhaps with Drayton again and maybe Crispin and Ryuki could tag along too next time. That would be fun

[peppermintbuttlemon]

i gotta add to the discourse bc you keep taking the literal thoughts from my brain and i love it (same soho anon from yesterday getting my unmoderated goss fix in since ive gone off the grid online - so this is long)

i literally only like him bc i think he’s cute imma be so real w you. (he is mid i know my friends dog on my terrible taste all the time and he fits my tragic pattern) i saw him in game of thrones in 2019 and was like hello and wanted to slide into his dms but was not possible bc no ig (that we knew of lol) and it became a whole joke with my friends that my celeb crush was some rando who was in game of thrones for 3 mins and then when he was in ST it just became a whole bit. when he did a con by me it was a literal 2 minute walk from my house so my friend and i went just for the plot and he was actually nice when i took my photo. idk it also might have just been early so he maybe had pep in his step but i was going to leave and he stopped me mid walk and said “thanks for coming” (obvi the standard to be polite) and i literally just said “ok” bc i was hungover and that dystopian ass JC Penny portraits curtain cubicle was disorienting me LMAO. i will never ever go to one of those things ever again. then like an hour later saw his big head active on raya.

re: weirdo fans

i have literally talked about this on other goss blogs bc it rubbed me SO WEIRD and everyone dogged on me for saying it/it was mentioned/denied in some twt thread but one of the weird fans mentioned before was hanging out with a girl that literally jogged after someone on his team and was like “what i don’t get a hug???” like you’re so bizarre but okay. they can deny it all they want but i literally watched it sitting on that musty ass convention center floor. y’all ain’t gonna gaslight me w that!!! i literally could give you a police sketch description of them if i had to💀

i feel bad for ppl that had bad experiences when they pay for it (and i know he made BANDS on those cons. like a ridiculous amount) bc clearly it means more to them than it did for me but in regards to like in public or on the street meeting him and being upset - yall gotta realize that ppl don’t you shit just bc of what they do for a living. i’d be too embarrassed to go up to someone and be like “yeo love your work” while they’re just trying to get from point a to point b or eat dinner

re the reminder that he’s just a south london dude:

there is a type!!!! they all act the same as someone who’s dated 3 of them (i have no self control and clearly do not learn from my own horror stories) they have the same attitude, ego, mindset, etc. and i have come to the conclusion that if i actually knew him irl id probably hate him or try to argue with him for fun because of it. i live to humble men and at the end of the day he is just a man!!!! a man who is basically a glorified theatre kid when you think about it

re: https://www.tumblr.com/peppermintbuttlemon/741588680956952576/httpswwwtumblrcompeppermintbuttlemon74157782

can say i do not recall what he smells like but my friend always says he looks damp so we do call him a name about it (i don’t wanna add just in case someone on twitter recognizes that it’s me lmao)

DAMP 💀💀💀😂😂 oh my god I love it!!

So what’s the south London guy thing? What are the symptoms of this disease? 😂

[theharrowing]

OK Collateral thoughts:

The POV scenes are incredible and I will definitely be subscribing to read the entire things. I don't know how I missed those posts but I can imagine you were probably not pushing them too hard since you mentioned feeling awkward about asking for money (I would too!)

I love seeing the nickname list evolve, and I remember swooning over the idea of Jungkook calling mc "doll/dollface". It gets me every time. And I am obsessed with the fact that you randomly write scenes for future chapters with a vague plan to figure out how they fit into the story. I always just assume that everything is written linearly all at once, so to see how you plop scenes in is fascinating because it flows so well.

Also your note of, "changing the anime mc and Jimin are watching from Attack on Titan to Chainsaw man because i absolutely fucking hated the ending of AoT lmao." LOL. My older brother watches AoT and he was SO FUCKING MAD about the ending. He also read the manga and hated the ending then, and I remember him saying, "I sincerely hope the anime has a different ending because that was some genocide-loving bullshit." I would love to know your thoughts!

Also your little "he’s ready to love, 내게 말해 줘, can we stay together? can we stay together?" made me laugh so fucking hard and I even sang it aloud hahaha. Is this what you are like IRL? I wish we could be friends IRL because you always seem like so much fun. Are you a carat? Who is/are your bias?

ALSO YOUR FAVORITE PARTS FROM CHAPTER 18 SENT ME TO HELL. Like, I also loved those lines while reading the chapter but then to see them listed out was deadly. "You can hear the sound of his fists gripping the sheet below, soft material scratching against blunt fingernails—a quiet, tactile cry of desperation." !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Absolutely deadly. How do you think of these lines?

These are the end of my notes! I see that you posted 19 and I am so excited to dive in! I'm also really glad your bags are home safe and that you seem in much better spirits today than you were yesterday! Thanks again for all you do!!!!! - 🗡️

OMG DAGGER LMAO your recent message came in reminding me of this one!!! i saw this come in the other day while busy and then i forgot, as i am wont to do hahaha. gonna respond to this one and then immediately respond to that one.

you are correct that i don't push the pov scenes too hard haha. i feel awkward asking for money but i also spend a lot of my free time writing and was looking for a way to make a couple extra bucks back when i made that patreon (which is now a buymeacoffee.) it's a shame because those really do have scenes that i feel are important to the story, but i also can't ask people to give me even $2 (tbh i only see like $1.30 of it lolol. more like buymehalfofacoffee.)

i used to write everything linearly but my mind sometimes races and i do my best to keep up and jot ideas down as they come, because i will forget otherwise. i do a lot of daydreaming when i commute especially, and it is easy to get lost in imagining scenarios. also, i am glad you like doll/dollface. i wasn't sure people would, but it seems a few do! (i'm more of a kitten person but i ruined calling mc kitten for myself with boy blue.)

i did not read the AoT manga but i did read about the manga ending and i am mad for exactly the same reasons as your brother. i have A Lot of Thoughts™ but idk if this is the place for them lmaooo.

singing in the middle of a sentence IS how i am irl and i am glad you are charmed bc i always worry about being annoying. (i suppose both things can be true!) you're so sweet for wishing we could be friends! 🥺😭 i am not fully a carat because i don't have a lot of energy to give to other groups lately, but my biases are Hoshi & Jeonghan. i love them very much.

THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR SHARING YOUR NOTES & THOUGHTS WITH ME!!! 😍🥰🥰 i love that you are so hyped about this, and i am excited to read the other message that just came in!!!

[beccascribbles]

Could you maybe do a scenario where bokuto has a childhood omega friend and(ik this probably wouldn't happen irl in this type of situation, but...) bokuto decides that the omega would be great to have as a roomate along with the atsumu, sakusa, and hinata(the four of them would probably be alphas).You can just explain what that would be platonically, or you can throw in some 🌶✨spice✨🌶 if you want like maybe someone goes into heat or a rut or starts catching feels.But it's your choice :) <3

a/n - kind of only did the moving in day to establish what the dynamics might be between them, but, if you want to see more of this let me know! (not sure if it’s good enough to warrant more though haha) enjoy!

LIVING WITH THE BLACK JACKALS, an omegaverse au

Moving In Day

"Are you sure it's okay?" you asked, gnawing on your bottom lip as you watched Bokuto lift one of your suitcases from the boot of the car. He glanced over at you, placing the suitcase at the floor. His hand came down to rest on your shoulder, giving it an affectionate squeeze.

"I wouldn't have asked you to move in if I wasn't sure," reassured Bokuto. You moved closer to him, wrapping your arms around his waist and pressing your face into his chest. Breathing in deeply, you let his scent sooth you. He wrapped his arm around your body, squeezing you tightly before releasing you. He reached into the boot, removing the final bag and turning to face you once again. "Come on."

Bokuto held out his hand for you, and you took it, picking up a bag with your other hand. Once more, you glanced up at Bokuto, finding comfort in his amber eyes. His hand gave yours a squeeze, a gentle reminder that he was there. As you stepped up to the door it was flung open, and a head of ginger hair came barrelling towards you.

"y/n!" cheered Hinata, wrapping his arms around you and crushing you to his chest. Even as he held you, he was bouncing on the balls of his feet, struggling to contain his excitement at seeing you again. You let your bag drop to the floor, released Bokuto's hand, and wrapped your arms around Hinata's neck. He let out a pleased purr, pressing a kiss to your cheek as he pulled away and picking up the bag you dropped on the ground. He rambled away to you. "I'm so glad you decided to move in. Bokuto was saying he was asking you for ages. Just between you and me, we're all really happy. Ignore Sakusa's grumpy face. I overheard him talking to Komori yesterday and he was definitely pleased."

"Um, okay, Shoyo," you said, following him into the house, Bokuto behind you. He dropped your bags to the floor, turning to shut the front door behind him.

"Tsum Tsum!" he called as Hinata led the way into the living room. “Omi!”

His shout was accompanied by the sound of feet rushing down the stairs and a figure skidding around the corner, a head of bleached blonde hair barrelling towards you at a startling speed. Instinct told you to move to the side, taking refuge behind Bokuto as Atsumu attempted to stop moving, digging his heels in just before he made contact with the wall. Atsumu turned to you with a pout.

“No need to sidestep me,” he grumbled, crossing his arms over his chest. You grinned up at him sheepishly. “Sheesh. I’m not some scary alpha comin’ to claim ya or shit like that. Relax, y/n.”

Feeling the heat rise to your cheeks, you pressed your forehead against Bokuto’s back, taking in another deep breath. His reassuring scent eased you, and you finally lifted your head up to be greeted by Atsumu’s outstretched arms.

“Now come here and give ya favourite alpha a hug,” he grinned, wrapping his arms around you and crushing you against his chest. You returned his hug as well as you could considering he had pinned your arms to your side. From behind you, you were aware of Bokuto letting out a grumble.

“I’m obviously their favourite,” he grumbled, resisting the urge to pull you away from Atsumu, who was taking far too long to greet you. Hinata, sensing the growing tension, spoke up.

“Sakusa’s here,” he declared, the statement enough for Atsumu to release you. You turned around, shooting the final alpha a warm smile, holding out your hand in greeting.

“Nice to see you again, Kiyoomi,” you greeted, feeling his warm hand close around yours, holding your hand in a firm grip. Sakusa nodded, hesitating for only a moment before he tugged you forward, his free arm wrapping around your waist as he gave you a brief squeeze.

“I didn’t think Bokuto would manage to win you over,” he admitted, gaze falling on Atsumu, as if your hesitation was due to him rather than the fact that living with four alphas was daunting at the best of times, let alone when the time came for their ruts. “Heaven knows they need the influence of an omega to tidy up their shit.”

You let out a snigger, knowing how messy Bokuto could be. It wasn’t that he was unable to clean or that he didn’t know how to. Honestly, Bokuto was just forgetful, too easily distracted for cleaning to be something he viewed with any importance. The alpha struggled to do his taxes, after all. Weakly, you defended, “I’m sure they’re not that bad.”

“Atsumu leaves his dirty clothes on the bathroom floor,” Sakusa reeled off. “Hinata struggles to understand that you need to clean up after making dinner. Bokuto leaves his boxers all over the house. I can go on.”

Bokuto flushed furiously at his words, protesting, “No, I don’t.”

“I do clean up,” Hinata insisted. “Last night, I washed up after eating.”

“Because I told you to,” sighed Sakusa, regarding Hinata coolly. “None of you do anything without being told.”

Atsumu, notably, stayed quiet. There was no arguing with what Sakusa had said. The proof was waiting to be discovered upstairs. He froze, shooting a panicked look up the stairs.

“Excuse me for a minute,” he said, sprinting up the stairs and leaving you all (excluding Sakusa) standing there a bit confused. Instead, a smirk pulled at the corners of his lips.

“He had a shower when Bokuto went to collect you,” Sakusa explained. “Now, he’s moving his clothes from the bathroom floor because he doesn’t want to leave a bad impression of him as a roommate on you.”

“Oh,” you breathed. “I really don’t mind though. We should just buy a clothes basket and leave it in the bathroom. It would be useful for all of us.”

“And this is why you moving in with us was a good idea,” grinned Bokuto. “Told you I was right.”

You smiled over at your best friend as Hinata grabbed one of your bags from the floor. Hinata spoke, ignoring the sound of Atsumu’s feet pounding on the stairs as he ran down, “Shall we get you moved in then?”

You nodded in agreement, reaching down to grab another bag and letting Hinata lead the way as Bokuto reached down to grab the remainder. Atsumu, whose sudden reappearance almost resulted in Hinata being knocked onto the floor, grabbed the majority of the bags, shooting Bokuto a teasing grin.

“You’re not the only muscle-bound athlete, Bo.”

“He is more muscular than you though, Tsumu,” admitted Hinata, glancing over his shoulder to watch Atsumu’s face twist. He let out an indignant splutter.

“Take that back, Shoyo.”

“He beat you in an arm wrestle yesterday, Atsumu,” sighed Sakusa. “Just carry the bags upstairs before you hurt your ego even more.”

A snicker escaped your mouth as you watched the interaction, your eyes immediately darting away from Atsumu when he made eye contact with you. You cleared your throat, “I thought we were showing me where my room is?”

“Right,” said Hinata, focusing on the task at hand once again. He took it upon himself to give you a quick tour as you walked down the corridor towards the room which was soon to be yours. “So, that door closest to the stairs is Omi’s, and beside it is the bathroom. Opposite the bathroom is my room. Tsumu’s room is beside yours and Bokuto is opposite you.”

You nodded along, attempting to process the information being given to you at speed. Already, you knew you were probably going to get the doors confused at first. They were all the same, with little to distinguish them from the other.

“No getting pissed off if I accidentally walk into your room instead of the bathroom,” you said, finger raised in a threatening manner. Atsumu hid a snigger behind the suitcases he was holding, while Bokuto’s lips stretched upwards in a smile.

“None of us would get mad if you walked into our rooms,” he said, giving you a slight nudge with his elbow, the action comforting. “My room will always be open for you if you need me.”

“Mine too,” piped up Hinata, Atsumu quickly nodding in the affirmative. Sakusa let out a grunt.

“I suppose, if you ever need to talk to me, you can,” he mumbled. “Though I don’t know why you would need to come to me.”

“Maybe if the others are being dickheads,” you teased, shooting Atsumu a smirk that had him giving you a playful glare in reply.

“Ya know I’m only a dickhead if I like you,” he grinned, giving your hair an affection ruffle. He dropped your bags down on the floor outside your room, Bokuto placing the ones he was carrying with far more care. “I’ll leave you to settle in. If ya need anythin’, just knock on my door.”

“Me and Bokuto are going to be watching the Adlers game that’s live now downstairs so come and join us when you’re finished,” said Hinata, already walking towards the stairs. Bokuto looked after him, then turned to look at you, trying to sense if you wanted him to stay. You gave his arm a squeeze, turning him around and pushing him in Hinata’s direction.

“Go watch the game, Kou,” you said, voice firm. “I know you want to. Besides, I’ll be fine. If I need help, I’ll just rope Atsumu in.”

“Okay!” he beamed, jogging after Hinata and leaving you alone with Sakusa.

Awkwardly, Sakusa ran a hand through his hair, fingers catching in his curls as he yanked them through his hair. “I did clean your room before you came today but if you want to give it another clean, I can give you some supplies.”

“Don’t worry about it, Kiyoomi,” you said, voice soft and full of gratitude. “I trust you.”

He turned away, hiding the rising blush on his cheeks at the way your scent grew sweeter at his words. In that moment, he could tell you were truly happy. Your earlier hesitation seemed to have vanished. He cleared his throat. “I’ll tell Bokuto you’re settling in okay. We’re going to order takeaway for dinner as a welcome meal so make sure you tell Atsumu what you want. He’s going to order it because he insists he’s more likely to get free food or money off. Not that we need money off, considering how much we make.”

“I will,” you said. “Thank you.”

Sakusa gave a nod, spinning on his heels and walking down the corridor, entering his room at the same time that you pushed open the door of yours.

[strawberrymilkgeorge]

Part Four. "You hosted me?? In MINECRAFT??"

warnings: swearing but that’s it (i think)! just karl being a goof and dream being a little shit but whats new word count: 3k (not ncluding pictures)

behind the screen (irl dream x reader) series masterlist ultimate masterlist

**********

.

Y/n  sat to Karl's left, out of the camera's view as he scrolled through Twitter on his PC.

"Um... oh, how did you guys meet?" Karl read before looking offscreen at Y/n. "Uh... school?"

"What? I was going to make up a funny story but I'm appalled by the seriousness in your voice! Is that really how you think we met?"

The embarrassment on his face answered her question. "Karl! I'm two years younger than you, how would we meet have met at school?"

"I don't know!" he said back defensively, raising his shoulders. "Clubs?"

"Like I was in any of the nerd clubs you were in."

"Well, then, how did we meet?"

Y/n sighed with a laugh. "Our moms–"

"Oh, wait wait, I remember!" he cut her off, excitedly looking towards Y/n. "Our moms are friends and they forced us to hang out." He smiled proudly and looked back to his screen as he continued scrolling for good questions. "If I'm honest, I only still hang out with you because my mom makes me."

Y/n smacked Karl's arm and he laughed but pretended to be hurt. "WHAT THE HONK, BUGSY?!"

"I can't stand you. I barely hit you, nimrod."

Karl giggled and read another one. "How tall is Bugsy? Two feet, four inches."

"No, I'm 7'6," Y/n lied easily and Karl laughed.

"How tall are you actually?"

'I think 5'10 or something? Maybe 5'11. I'm not 6' but I'm taller than you for sure, I know that much–"

"Okay, you are not taller than me. Just to be clear. Chat, Bugsy is not taller than me."

"Yes, I am. Wanna test it?"

"No," he replied quietly in defeat.

"Because you know I'm right," Y/n laughed as her eyes flicked over to read chat. They were spamming their surprise, expecting her to be short. "Yeah, no, chat, I'm tall. I'm taller than Karl."

"Only because your shoes make you tall! Doc Martens are tall and that's pretty much all you wear!"

"You're shorter than me when I'm barefoot!"

"That's literally false. Like completely."

"Just accept it, shorty."

"I'll accept that you're taller than George and Sapnap, but not me. I'm barely taller than you but I'm still taller."

"Whateverrrr. I'll move on to protect your dignity."

Karl ignored her and laughed, pointing to a message from Dream in Karl's chat.

"Dream said I have short girl energy," Y/n read.

"You kinda do."

"What does that even mean?"

"You're shy around new people and you act all sweet."

"So tall girls can't be shy and sweet? Or shy and sweet girls can't be tall?"

"Stop twisting my words," Karl groaned.

"Also, wait, what do you mean I act sweet? Am I not?"

"No, you are. But I mean you also aren't when you don't want to be. Upset Bugsy is scary Bugsy."

Y/n frowned, not recalling a time she's ever been angry or upset at Karl but she let him move on. He pointed to another tweet as he looked at Y/n, giving her an 'I told you so' look. She read it before shaking her head at him.

"Don't read that one."

"Pleeease, can I answer?"

"No!" she whisper-shouted. I don't want to be shipped with him for asking or you for answering, she mouthed so Karl's chat couldn't put together clues.

"Are you assuming I'll answer positively?" he teased, earning him a hard smack on the arm.

Y/n couldn't help but notice every time she put her hands in the frame, which was usually to hit Karl, half of the chat turned into simps requesting a hand pic because they could see her bracelets and nail polish and now that they knew she was tall they wanted to see how big her hands were. They really wanted every crumb of content they could have regarding her looks. She caught one that said something pretty kinky about her hands which she tried to scrub from her mind immediately.

"Fine," Karl sighed at her request to not read Dream's tweet out loud, instead reading another. "Bestie sleepover? Yes! Bestie sleepover! Bugsy and I are gonna cuddle all night--"

"No, we aren't. I'm sleeping on a completely different bed. Or couch. Nowhere near you."

"WHY DO YOU HATE ME?"

"Karl! Stop trying to get me to cuddle with you!" Y/n laughed as she pushed away his arms, which were trying to give her a hug. "You're a freaking heater and I don't like touching people!"

"That's my worst nightmare in a friend, how did I end up with you?"

"No idea. Deal with it. It's still a bestie sleepover even if we don't cuddle."

Karl giggled and looked back at his stream. "Oh, by the way, in case anyone ever wanted to know or was Dreaming about it, Bugsy is very cute. Just thought I'd mention it in case anyone was wondering or if anyone tweeted specifically asking..."

Y/n smacked his arm again as she yelled, "Karl!"

He grabbed his arm in dramatic pain as if it had been cut off. "Ow! Ow! Bugsy hit me!" he cried as he fell to the floor. "Oh my gosh. Someone call a doctor!"

"I cannot stand you," Y/n  informed as she stared down at him. She glanced at chat, who were all joking about how bad his condition was, saying things like they might have to amputate his arm. "Chat, don't encourage him. Oh, Karl I know what we can do!"

"As long as I don't need two arms for it..." his voice still laced with fake pain.

"Karl Jacobs."

"What is it?"

"Give me a tour of Dream's SMP. Dream whitelisted me yesterday."

"Oh, yeah! What could have possibly made you think of him?" he teased as he got back in his chair.

Y/n glared at him and he cowered slightly.

"Minecraft, yes. There's a PC in the other room you can play on. Do you need help setting it up?"

"No, I've streamed once or twice," Y/n teased as she stood up.

"I'm just trying to be a good host! Gosh!"

"Wait, I have to cross over to leave the room."

"Just do it? What's the issue? Literally no problem, just walk?" he joked before zooming in his camera on his face so it took up the whole screen. Y/n laughed as she went across the room, chat now forced to look at disturbingly close footage of Karl staring directly into the camera with his eyes crossed.

Y/n called Karl on Discord after logging in. "Hi, Karl and Karl's stream."

"Are you on yet?"

"I'm logging in to my Minecraft account right now."

"Okay, join a vc on the smp discord so others can talk to us if we run into anyone. I'll be over in a minute, just give me a bit to read some donations." They both muted, leaving Y/n to herself.

She typed in the IP address to the server and joined a random voice channel that no one was in. She spawned and looked around, confused by the cobblestone wall around her. Her phone lit up so she occupied herself with the texts from Naomi.

A green figure caught her eye on the screen and she looked up. In the distance was Dream's infamous green Minecraft skin punching the air as he faced her. He ran towards her and stopped in front of her. She set her phone down and slid it away, crouching as his character did the same.

Dream whispers to you: are you streaming you whisper to Dream: no but Karl is and he's about to get on to tour me Dream whispers to you: hmmm okay here

He uncrouched and dropped a few diamond blocks before punching the air again and running away.

Dream whispers to you: shh don’t tell anyone you whisper to Dream: omg :D ty <3 you whisper to Dream: first twitch donos now mc donos you whisper to Dream: rich man over here giving out money and diamonds to everyone like it's candy Dream whispers to you: no, only to you Dream whispers to you: a little gift before our date ;) Dream whispers to you: oh and this

He came back and paused in front of Y/n before dropping a red poppy and sprinting away again. She acted cool despite the huge smile on her face.

you whisper to Dream: charming you whisper to Dream: you give me a flower and dart away before I can properly thank you Dream whispers to you: oh yeah? how would you have thanked me?

Y/n smiled, her cheeks flaming up as a dirty thought entered her mind. Stop, he's not flirting, she told herself. It’s literally a block game and he’s not flirting.

you whisper to Dream: guess we'll never know ;) KarlJacobs joined the game

"I'm back," Karl's voice filled her headset as he joined her voice channel, snapping her out of her thoughts. "Where are you?"

Y/n looked away from the chat in Minecraft and turned around in the game. "Still at spawn. Some forest and cobblestone walls."

"Go left and I'll meet you halfway."

As she ran, the Minecraft chat reappeared with new messages for everyone to see.

<Dream> hey Karl <KarlJacobs> hello Dream <Dream> thanks for answering my question on your stream <KarlJacobs> just doing my civil duty as a bugsy dream shipper <KarlJacobs> official petition for the name to be dreamsy <Dream> signed

"Oh my gosh," Y/n muttered, making Karl laugh.

"What?" Karl asked innocently, but his laugh was maniacal. "Oh, I found you. This way! I built everything on the server, by the way. So if anything is impressive, just remember that I did it."

"Karl, that's the biggest lie you've ever told me. I watch the lore videos."

"Well, I did build it all so I don't know what to tell you. Let's go this way first."

Y/n followed as he showed her stuff, including background and unknown facts about things that have happened off stream. After the tour, they messed around the chessboard. At some point, she found a blue cornflower and turned to Karl.

"Do you have an anvil?"

"I don't exactly have one on me at the moment but I think there's one over here. What for?"

She killed some chickens with her fist to gain XP so she could carry out the task in mind. "I need to name this flower I found." She followed him a few blocks away and clicked the anvil and named the flower 'love, bug'. "Okay, thanks."

"Why did you name it?"

"It's a gift for someone."

"Me?" he asked as his character jumped up and down.

"No. My presence is your gift."

"Ouch. You know, honestly, I'm really hurt by that. Like, why would you say that to me? It's just sorta rude."

"Fine, I'll go get you a flower."

"Well, I don't want it if it isn't sincere. Who's that one for?"

"...no one."

"Tell me or I'll keep complaining about not getting a gift."

"I can deal with that."

"Okay, then tell me or I'll make you sleep in my bed and I'll smother you to death with my affection."

"Ah, okay, fine. It's for Dream."

"Wow you really hate me that much!" Karl laughed.

"No, I'm just not touchy like you!" she defended. She always worried she offended Karl since he was so physically affectionate towards his friends but she just wasn't a physical person.

"Oh, speaking of Dream..." he turned and Y/n followed his characters line of sight, having to zoom in to see the green figure perched at the top of a tree.

"He's very menacing."

"He does that."

<Bugsy> come here pls dream <Bugsy> i have a gift :]

Dream ran towards Y/n and stopped in front of her expectedly. She looked at Karl then back at Dream and dropped the gift, backing up after and crouching.

His character picked it up and held it, pausing to read the name. After a moment, he slowly looked up at Y/n's character before jumping and spinning in circles. Y/n hid her smile in her sleeve even though no one could see her.

<Dream> wait lemme see the one I gave you <Bugsy> what D: <Dream> I wanna name it

"What is going on?" Karl giggled.

"Gift exchange. Mind your own business."

"Woah!" Karl gasped dramatically. "Uncalled for."

Dream came back and dropped the renamed flower for her. Y/n picked it up and hovered over it to read the name.

'host, dream'

She gasped and started punching his character. He backed up and ran away but joined the call seconds later.

"Wait! Stop hitting me!" Dream yelled into her headset.

Y/n laughed, trying to contain her smile as she continued to hit the green character. "Dream! Are you kidding? I tried being all cute and you hosted me?? In MINECRAFT??"

"It was a joke! You said something like that to Wilbur on Twitter a while ago, I was just using your humor!" Dream's giggles filled Y/n's headphones and she smiled but quickly dropped it so her voice could sound serious.

"Give it back."

Dream looked at her before letting out a small, "What?"

"Give me back the flower so I can go burn it with the other one."

"Bugsy!"

"What is going on?" Karl asked through a cackle. "Dream, did you hurt Bugsy??"

"Yes, Karl! He hurt my feelings! He gave me a flower and gave it back to name it something mean!"

Dream just laughed so Y/n punched him again.

"Dream! You can't hurt Bugsy!" Karl defended, also punching Dream.

All Y/n could hear was the sound of Dream wheezing, his character running as the two chased him. "Stop! You guys are so– STOP HITTING ME!"

"Fine," Y/n finally said, crouching and facing the ground as she walked into a corner to look like she was pouting. "I'm just not going to go on any Minecraft dates anymore."

"Wait, no," Dream protested in a soft voice, his character stopping to look at her's. "Take that back."

"Heart been broke so many times..."

"You're so stupid."

Karl gasped happily. "You guys have a Minecraft date? Can I help plan it?!"

"We did. In exchange for letting you give me the tour. But I've changed my mind since I've been so betrayed."

"Oh my gosh, you're so..." Dream trailed off but his wide smile could be heard through his voice.

"So what? Finish that sentence, Dream," Y/n dared teasingly.

"So... ANNOYING!"

"DREAM! SAY YOU'RE SORRY!" Karl yelled.

"Okay! I'm sorry! Bug, I'm so sorry. Really. Please let me... let me rename your flower something cute. It'll make you so happy that you'll fall in love with me all over again and–and we can go on our date. Please don't burn our flowers."

"And what if I don't give them to you?"

"I'll just kill you and pick them off your corpse."

"Woooooowwww. Okay, it's like that?"

"Yes, it is like that," he said through a smile. It was so apparent in his voice that he was grinning like a kid on Christmas morning.

<Ranboo> how is the tour going Bugsy was shot by Dream using DEFINITELY NOT PENIS <Ranboo> ah going well I see

Bugsy screamed in her mic as the death screen appeared. "DREAM!"

"You took too long!" He wheezed as Bugsy respawned.

"I don't know where I am!"

"Hold on, I'll avenge you!" Karl declared before he died too.

"You thought you could kill me with your fists? Karl, you're naked and I'm wearing full Netherite."

"You weren't when I started punching you! You pulled that out of thin air!"

<Ranboo> canon

Y/n smiled at Ranboo's comment. She had never talked to him but she knew he and Tubbo were close friends and he seemed really funny. He had already proved he had a dry sense of humor in the 30 minutes she was on the SMP and she loved that. Y/n made a mental note to befriend him before returning to being drama queen to Dream.

"So, Dream, now that you've made me an enemy–"

"WhAT? We are not enemies, Bug. I'm actually naming a flower something really cute as we speak. Enemies don't do that."

"Maybe I'm not your enemy but you sure are mine."

"Oh come on now," he mumbled lowly, running chills down her spine. What the hell was that?? "What do I have to do to make it up to you?"

"You-you murdered me in cold blood. Nothing will make it up."

"So I could get the flower! It was out of love! So I could give you a better present! Does that count for nothing?"

"Hm," she hummed. "We'll see what new name you come up with and then I'll decide."

Karl and Y/n got back to the chessboard and waited for Dream to return with his new flower.

Breaking character and turning towards her best friend, Y/n laughed at Karl. "Sorry for distracting from our BFF shenanigans time."

"This is way more entertaining," Karl assured. "Me and my chat got front row seats to the Dreamsy love saga."

"Shut up," she mumbled as she punched him in-game.

"OW! STOP PUNCHING ME SO MUCH!"

"Okay, okay, I'm back!!" Dream announced and they saw his figure sprinting and jumping towards them. He dropped the flower for Y/n and stepped back, crouching and standing repeatedly.

Y/n picked up the flower and hovered over it to read the name.

"Is it worthy of your forgiveness, Bugsy? Does it pass the vibe check?" Karl asked with a giggle.

Y/n bit her lip as she smiled at her screen.

to the prettiest girl in the world. love, dream <3

It was a joke, obviously. He was just continuing the joke of flirting with her like he does on Twitter just like Sapnap and Karl and George and Quackity do. They all joke about flirting with her and this was another joke.

But it still gave her tummy butterflies.

"Bug?" Dream called softly.

But why would he joke like that when neither of them were streaming? Karl's chat wouldn't see it so there was no one to point in feeding into the joke, unless he meant for Y/n to show Karl? She was overthinking. She needed to play it cool. 

She also needed an enderchest so no one could find it and no one could take it away from her and destroy it but they didn’t need to know she liked it that much.

"Mmm.... it'll do."

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PREVIOUS | NEXT

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A/N: yeeee hope you guys liked this one! i think this is my favorite so far i just think dream was being too cute and i wanna be best friends with karl so much it hurts. we’re gonna get deeper into the dream relationship soon!! i just needed to indugle in bff karl content real quick!!!

taglist: open (at the time) @hydrate-tion @loraleiix @tinaswagbd @charsdummb @smileyyuta @1ghoste1 @cerberus-hellhound @gaysludge @queestionmark @carnations-red @letsloveimagines @the-fictionwriters-hairdo @boiled-onionrings @a-cryptic @fee-btheweeb​ @letsloveimagines @erwinss @just-a-stan @axths @kayleigh2703 @furiouspockettoad @sometimeseverythingsucks @powerpuffyn​ @itshaileyn @millavalntyne @automaticcomputerpaper @nikkineeky @fivedicksinatrenchcoat @sprucekot​ @bellomi-clarke @possiblyanxioushuman

[emmavoid]

In which I go back over episodes 1-5 of Serial Experiments Lain in order to collect my thoughts on them before continuing on to a liveblog proper!

(this was done at butt-o-clock in the morning don't @ me for rambling/misspelling/etc)

Episode 1-

Lain’s shadow, and the shadows near her house, have an intensely weird pattern to them- like there's something hiding deeper within those shadows than any other shadows

The focus on humming powerlines, Lain’s asking them to be quiet- something/someone is trying to communicate with her, even this early on

The steam that comes from Lain’s fingers- at first I thought it was an intense imagination, but it felt similar to the steam coming from her computer in later episodes- another early sign that she’s already in the Wired

“Why did you die?” “God is here.” the first mention of god in the show

As a whole Lain’s family seems off; her parents weirdly robotic, inhuman- almost monstrous in their appearances, and her sister distant; lain did not know them well, and so these simulations of them suffer

When another student dies by jumping in front of the transit train, lain has a strange experience of “viewing” the student’s death while surrounded by fog. I originally thought this was more of her powerful imagination, but having since connected the “fog” or steam to computers, i think this was her simulating the event over again in an attempt to cope with her very human feelings

“Come to the Wired as soon as you can.” More communications from “the universe” to Lain

Episode 2-

the night scene at the beginning of each episode has been, mostly, a repetition of itself, with more communications; however, with Lain not present for most of them, who are they directed towards?

The girl in the nightclub Cyberia- looking at her again on a re-view, she does seem similar to Lain, but wears earrings- something I’ve noticed the “digital” Lain in the opening has that differentiates her from the more innocent, child-like, human Lain.

The explanation of Accel cuts to Lain in class- with the camera specifically focusing on her ear. It seems as if, throughout the show, she’s learning certain information without seeking it out.

The first appearance of the digital ghosts, like what would become of the “fake” version of Lain’s sister in a later episode, plus the figure she “imagined” after the train slow-down.

The man with the gun high on Accel- a test for human-Lain? She freezes, drawing his ire, but when he recognizes her as the Other Lain and points his gun at her, she speaks in a different voice- possibly the Other Lain’s? Possibly… a God-Lain’s voice. The man kills himself as if controlled by an outside force, and Lain appears shocked. I think that God-Lain- the one who has been communicating with Lain all this time- took over to ensure that Lain’s failure of this test wouldn’t lead to her death (or possibly, to interrupting her growth and forcing some kind of reset?)

Episode 3-

After the events of last episode, Lain is shaken- she can barely respond to Arisu. When she returns home, her family is nowhere to be seen- possibly because them existing during all of what happened would be detrimental to her growth? But when she falls asleep at her computer then checks on her family again… their presence or absence isn’t shown.

Another case of information about something strange- this time the Psyche- with a focus on Lain’s ear; again, picking up some kind of information.

“We saw someone die right in front of us yesterday, but we’re acting like it’s something we saw in a movie.” lain's friends are the most fleshed out "people" in the simulation because she knew them the best- and that's why none of them could react properly to the murder in that club, because Lain had never experienced what their reactions would really be like to something traumatic like that.

Lain’s Psyche shows up in her locker- perhaps put there by God-Lain?

The first mention of The Knights, who may have created the Psyche. Are they possibly a front for God-Lain?

Lain’s father attempts to leave immediately when she shows him the Psyche- further evidence that he can only react how he’s “programmed” to? The guy in the club who recognizes Lain- God-Lain has definitely been visiting here regularly.

“I saw you once, in the Wired. You were totally different.” God-Lain doesn’t seem to mind folks knowing about her. Is she leaving hints towards her existence for Lain on purpose?

Lain’s sister is definitely more fleshed out than her parents- when the Agents at the door try to tell her to ignore them she seems properly weirded out

Episode 4-

The origin of my connecting steam/fog to computing power- lain has a fan set up to directly cool part of her computer, releasing steam/condensation

Lain’s parents continue to have strange, robotic responses, but her sister seems genuinely concerned for her.

The main “plot” of this episode- the crossing over of the two net games- seems mostly unrelated to Lain? But it does seem to be causing suicides and murders, showing direct interaction between the Wired and the “real” world

I love the speed with which Lain is acclimating to computers and the Wired- contacting a professional for assistance with the Psyche is a great detail

The more adult-seeming Lain- so, possibly, God-Lain- appears to ask the DJ at the club about the game. But, she’s not there when he looks, and after that scene Lain has suddenly learned about and downloaded the game in question. Was it maybe Human-Lain tapping into her latent god powers to learn this information from him?

A Lain travels through the net game, and seems to try to contact a fleeing player. “I can’t go where you are.” The voice sounds much more like Human-Lain? Then the player encounters a child and kills her- seemingly in-game, but then one or more corpses can be seen wrapped in sheets afterwards as Lain watches. Highly unlikely that this guy had a real gun IRL- especially in Japan- so this seems to be more Wired/IRL fuckery.

“My buddies and I think this might be the work of the Knights too.” A point against my theory of the Knights being God-Lain?

“I’ll be able to enter it soon. … Don’t worry, I’m still me.” “Sometimes, I wonder…” Yeah, there’s no way this is a real reaction her real father would have.

“The Knights do not physically exist. They can be thought of as a religion that is spreading through the Wired.” And then this quote feels like another point towards my God-Lain theory!

the two men who were spying on lain... I think might've been actual outside agents given representation so that human-Lain would have the chance to deal with them- which, she did, by tapping into her god-powers to destroy their spy-glasses (which, when she did, caused her computer's fans to go into overdrive to keep it cooled)

Episode 5-

Lain hears directly from a being calling itself God, before the episode jumps to focusing on her sister for most of the episode.

This episode felt like it was jossing my theory- how could this whole reality be for Lain’s benefit if her sister was experiencing strange stuff?

“There is nothing that you don’t know. I can’t tell you a story that doesn’t exist.” On some level, Lain is both God-Lain and Human-Lain. These conversations with the doll, the mask, then fakes of her parents throughout the episode, seem to be more of Lain learning without personally experiencing- being fed information by her other self.

“The other side is overcrowded. The dead will have nowhere to go.” Isn’t this straight up a quote from one of the Romero zombie flicks?

All the talk of prophecy and “fulfill the prophecy”... Lain seems to be on a set path towards entering the Wired, which is part of why it seems like this is just her reliving an approximation of something that already happened.

A connection between the Knights and The Prophecy. The fake of Lain’s sister isn’t the only one to encounter word of the prophecy, since we hear about it from Lain’s friends as well

Hmm… I hadn’t thought of it before, but, mayhaps the fake of Lain’s sister doesn’t show until the strange holo-effects of her water at dinner? None of the really weird stuff happens to her until after… maybe this was a copy of her then, made during that moment before being pushed into this prophecy-horror scenario?

The Lain’s Sister who enters the house crying then sees herself disappears- or, it seems she does, until Lain sees a digital ghost of her, like she had previously seen in the school… after seeming to see this other self of hers, the real Lain’s sister seems… robotic and nonchalant. Was she a full, real person before this happened?

Theory Overall thus far-

my theory thus far is that lain's already living in the wired, and is, in fact, a god there- she is both Lain and The Knights; but, the more human part of her, Lain, is reliving her pre-wired memories with slight alterations in order to help her get to the point where she can accept her godhood.

the opening of the show ties into my theory too- that god-Lain (portrayed in the intro with earrings) is spread throughout the world, controlling everything, while human-Lain (in her much more childish outfit) is just experiencing and trying to understand the world

Things that were pointed out to me-

Arisu’s name is a romanization of Alice (referencing Alice in Wonderland)

Be inc and Copland being old computer companies

[dreamygeorgenap-archive]

Tommy said Dream wasn’t home, also George hasn’t been active for 48 hours, and also MatPat flew to North Carolina??

They’ve been mentioning meeting up alot recently, I shall reveal myself if they actually meet up, -⚜️

Welcome to my court house anons! I’m going to work this all out. This is the inter-workings of my mind in one long post. I will provide evidence and counter-evidence and everyone can decide what they believe. 

First of all, the logical side of my brain is saying this is going to be a “UK Vlog” situation - because I’ve been wronged by Dream so many times and I have trust issues with him. However, the evidence seems to be piling up and you know, where there’s smoke there’s fire. 

Evidence 1: Tommy said Dream “wasn’t home” in his stream. 

Counter Argument: This could’ve just been a throw away comment so his chat would stop spamming to get Dream and so Tommy could just have an excuse as to why Dream wasn’t there. Let’s be logical here, “Dream isn’t home” could mean that Dream was at his parents house grabbing lunch, taking Patches to the vet, or any sort of mundane human thing. But still, a little weird. I’ll give you that. 

Evidence 2: The whole “Dream has something planned” situation when Karl was inviting everyone to his house. Karl said “I’ll buy you a mask Dream” and Dream got kinda quiet and typed in the DMs to Karl, Quackity, George, etc. and apparently gave Karl a date and Karl said, “okay, Dream has something planned”. Kinda weird, I see that. 

Counter-Argument: I have none because we know next to nothing about what Dream is planning. 

Evidence 3: In a Streamy’s tweet, it said “Appearance by Dream”. 

Counter-Argument: Now I understand this argument will be bias, because I am of the belief that award shows - especially dumb Internet award shows like the Streamy’s - rig who they want to win. The way they’ve been promoting Dream, like in this tweet says to me that he will win. Anyways, the Streamy’s want people to tune into their show. The Streamy’s people know Dream is popular so they want his clout/fans to watch the show AND they know that Dream hasn’t done a face reveal. That tweet seems to me that the Streamy’s know that and by tweeting this it - especially with the word “appearance” - will get people to tune in because everyone will go “will he do a face reveal?”. Idk the way they said “appearance” is sus to me, but my theory from the beginning is that if Dream wins - and I believe he will - it will cut to his Minecraft character thanking people. I support @dreamnapfound‘s theory that the “appearance” could be a little speech about people’s dreams coming true because you know, 12+ milling subs in a year and his name is Dream - you get it - but the “appearance” could very easily be his little blob figure on the screen or his Minecraft character on screen but I will tell you this, if Dream shows up IRL in a lime green body suit I will buy every piece of his merch. 

Miscellaneous Evidence: Karl and Quackity not streaming today is a bit weird. I know this just could be because they’re vibing and chilling with friends. But it could also mean that they travelled to LA. I did about 20 seconds of research on MatPat and I know now that he lives in LA so the big question here is did  MatPat fly to North Carolina (where Mr. Beast and Karl are from) or did Mr. Beast/Karl/Quackity fly to LA where MatPat and the Streamy’s are? Idk. I guess we’ll see when Karl streams next. 

Rebuttals: 

1: The obvious rebuttal here is that MCC is on the same day - just a few hours before the Streamy’s. Dream is very competitive, is signed up to play, and has said he’s streaming the event. I mean I guess it’s *possible* for him to bring his computer set-up to North Carolina or LA or wherever Mr. Beast/MatPat/etc. are now, but I find that unlikely. Again, Dream is competitive and wants to win - and wants to help Captain Sparkles get his first win - so I don’t really seem him idk taking a few pieces of his set up to LA/North Carolina just to appear on an award show. 

2: COVID. Dream, as far as we can tell, has been very loyal to the CDC guidelines and has been quarantined and only seeing a few people - maybe his family and that’s it. When Karl, George, Quackity, etc. were talking about meeting up Dream made some kind of comment like, “you’re going to travel during COVID?!” and he’s also made comments in the past about not wanting to travel during COVID and George can’t visit him because of COVID, etc. So I don’t really see Dream traveling to LA to an award show during a pandemic, where LA county cases are rising exponentially. I find it much more likely that he would Zoom in to the Streamy’s to accept his award - as his Minecraft character or just putting the blob on screen. 

3: A reminder that Dream is notorious for saying ‘face reveal at one million’ and then going later “well I thought it would take years to get to a million” or ‘I’ll do the shock collar video if this video gets 5 million views’ and then later, “well obviously I meant that if it gets 5 million views *quickly*” - I know he did a shock stream later but that was his excuse at the time. Etc., etc. Plus need I remind you of the UK Vlog? 

As for George being MIA, George does that a lot so I don’t really put much into that theory. Plus, just a few days ago when Karl and Quackity called him, George said he was going to travel to the US to meet Karl but “wasn’t allowed” so I think George is still locked in England. I thought the England lockdown period was over on December 2nd, but I know the date has been pushed back a lot so maybe it’s been pushed back again. But I’m not sure why George’s situation would change - saying he can’t go to the US - in just a few days. 

Also, I think in George’s stream 2 days ago he said that they were filming “tomorrow” and “tomorrow” was yesterday but it could’ve easily been pushed to today. I know they’ve had to push recordings before, so it’s possible Dream/George/Sapnap were just recording a video. 

ALSO, Sapnap said in his stream yesterday that he felt like the next people he should meet up with should be George and/or Dream. And it would be weird for him to say that and then Dream and George just meet up. Sapnap hasn’t said anything that makes me think he’s meeting up with Dream/George soon and I think it would be a real jerk move for Dream and George to meet up without Sapnap, or at least inviting Sapnap, so I think a meet up is not what’s going on here - at least not with the Dream Team. 

The evidence is there and the timing is weird, but I’m still believing - probably because of my trust issues - that Dream will not face reveal. 

Court dismissed. 

[ntamain]

Is my (24F) neighbour (27F) into me or is she just being friendly? How do I know if she's gay?

another gay gem from the r/relationship reddit

Update:

Image ID under the cut, please let me know if I did it wrong!

[Image ID: four screenshots of a post from the relationship subreddit by tumblr user nta-main. The title reads “Is my (24F) neighbour (27F) into me or is she just being friendly? How do I know if she’s gay?”

The text reads “Update post is now locked, I cant believe so many people were interested in us!! Thank you again for your support, comments and messages.

Hi all, I can't believe I'm asking for advice from a bunch of strangers on the internet but I don't really have anyone I can talk to about this. Sorry for the incoming essay but I guess I need to give history. I bought my first house in September last year, It was an odd time but everything just fell into place. It's quite a small village and everyone is really friendly so I got to know my neighbours soon after moving in - yes, socially distanced. Then I met my over-the-road neighbour, let's call her Elle. I can't describe it but it's the first time I've ever met someone and been lost for words and my heart was racing and just thought "omg", y'know?? So after I blushed my way through a welcome to the village type convo we only saw each other for a wave and hello for a few days.

To help kinda settle in I had my dog (Bea) with me for the first few weeks. During this time there was a massive increase in dog thefts in a nearby town, not just from gardens but literally wrestled away from people. If I'd have been working (furloughed off and on since March) then I would've taken Bea back to mum's but since I was home with her all day she stayed. So the local police advised to not walk dogs alone but we go out twice a day, a 10k run in the morning and a few miles walk in the evening. So obvs this scares me, but at the same time she is honestly a pain in the arse and gets upset if she doesn't go for a run and needs to be tired out so I'm kind of stuck at this point. Then along comes Elle. She knocked on the door and offered to come with us as she'd seen Bea and me in the evenings and everything kind of spiralled from there. I told her about my morning runs but she didn't really bite so I thought nothing of it. Then a few days later I bumped into her on a run, so she started joining us on those too.

A few months later and we are spending more and more time together everyday. It has now progressed to a run early morning, afternoon coffee, dinner most evenings and then the evening walk. It just seemed to happen without me really noticing. I didn't read into things that much as I don't want to get my hopes up and ruin anything until another neighbour commented about how much time we spend together and how "it's nice to see you young gals getting on" and winked. She actually winked at me. I asked her what she meant but she just laughed and said "you know what I mean". So now I'm looking back on things and wondering if she could like me too?

Here's some reasons why she might like me:

I went running along the same route at the same time for nearly 2 weeks before I happened to run into her a few days after I told her this?

I make her a coffee every afternoon (Elle is WFH) and take it over in her fave mug. She says I make good coffee but I'm pretty sure I saw a fancy coffee machine the first time I went round (it's not there now?).

Elle carried on running and walking with me even after Bea went home. I told her she was going back to mum's and she said well "I'll have to make another excuse to join you" and then we just carried on everyday.

She has tried really hard to bond with Bea. Bea is a very anxious dog and is scared of everyone except me and mum. Elle bought special treats to give her everyday and has been so amazing with her and never tried to force anything. When I asked her she said "it's important to me that she likes me and is comfortable". Bea actually fell asleep between us on the sofa yesterday and It just makes my heart skip a beat guys.

She invited me to the zoom quiz she does with her friends every fortnight or so and they were all like "oh so this is who we've heard so much about "

We realised we had become each other's support bubble. Elle asked if I was meeting anyone else and I said no, she said she was glad she had me all to herself (!!)

We gave each other quite personal xmas presents. Like, it actually made me tear up it meant so much to me. And she bought stuff for Bea!!

Reasons why she might not like me:

All the reasons above, but that she's just doing them because she's a fucking great person and we're friends?

It might sound dumb but idk I need your help guys. She is the just the most incredible person I have ever met and I really really like her but if she isn't gay or doesn't feel the same I don't want to lose her friendship as she has become such a huge part of my life. I genuinely have no experience with these kind of things as I went to quite a strict all girls school, so it's not as if there were any relationships around me as a teen and then I went to a very small uni (8 of us on my course). I guess another reason is that I've struggled with anxiety and depression for the past 10 years, as well as my weight and working on my self confidence, but I can say that right now I am the happiest and healthiest (both mentally and physically) I have ever been. I've only just really become comfortable with the fact that I'm gay and I have never really told anyone in real life, but I don't think people would be too surprised lol. I don't have any close friends as no one stuck around when I was really struggling with my MH a few years ago so I can't discuss this with anyone irl.

So I need your advice : how do I find out if she is gay? And no, I don't have the confidence to just ask!! What if she says no and I ruin everything? She has never mentioned anything about past relationships and I'm pretty tactless so not sure how I could naturally slip it into the convo. Like, "hey tell me have you ever had a girlfriend? Do you want one now?" Lol. And how can I make a move without really making a move so I don't ruin things??

tl;dr : Don't know whether my neighbour is gay and into me or is just really friendly. How can I make a move without ruining our friendship?

Edit: Ok guys, thank you so so much for all your support and encouragement. You've all given me a lot to think about. I think I'm going to casually slip some gay stuff into conversation and see how she reacts. Then bring up the neighbours comment like some of you suggested, seeing as tho the neighbour was heavily implying that we're gay. I'll do it tonight otherwise I'll talk myself out of it again. I will post an update to let you know what happens (eek). If you never hear from me again assume it went badly and I am consoling myself with cake and watching brokeback mountain in floods of tears.

Hi reddit, yes it's me the useless lesbian. First off I want to thank you all for your support, encouragement and advice - and the undeserved awards! I never expected this many of you to take the time to comment and that so many of you were rooting for us.

So I had the plan to drop these gay hints into convo like you guys suggested but honestly it all went out the window. Elle was kinda stressed friday after a shitty work zoom and just needed to vent so it wasnt the right time to start anything. Though I guess I must have been a bit off thanks to spending all day overthinking things on here, as Elle turned up Saturday morning rambling about stressing me out and apologised (!!) for ruining dinner. Obvs I said "what are you talking about you can talk to me about anything", and she said "anything?" and I said "anything" back. And guys the tension was unreal, staring at each other and hoping our lesbian mind reading powers would kick in.

Then there was some loud noise like a car backfiring or something and the moment went. So I went to make coffee and then Elle asked me why I was a bit quiet the night before and I said something about overthinking stuff and she said "what stuff" and idk you guys I wasnt prepared to be put on the spot my casual gay pop culture references were useless in this moment. My mind just went completely blank and I forgot every single thing you guys suggested and my heart was pounding and I just blurted out you know I like you, right?.

...And then she kissed me. Kissed me. We straight up just snogged in the kitchen and it was fucking great. So...you were right. You were all fucking right. She's gay, she likes me and has been trying to drop hints for nearly 5 months. sigh

We were both just too scared to make a move or ruin anything. Turns out she's been burned by straight girls in the past, so she's pretty wary and was hoping I'd straight up say I'm a lesbian so she'd know for sure - maybe the I'm a lesbian wall hanging would've been a good idea after all? Her friends have been helping her drop hints, she showed me the group chat and guys their suggestions ranged from flirting more to just turning up in a trenchcoat and nothing else lol. Also, the winking neighbour has been making comments to her as well, so shout out to her for trying to make this happen too.

So no cake and cry watching brokeback mountain, just 5 months of dating to catch up on. As for worrying about how our current schedule could be more date like during lockdown, you were right it's kinda irrelevant when you've essentially been dating the whole time. Though we never made it to our morning run yesterday, in fact we didn't leave the house at all, ha.

Thank you guys for giving me hope, even if all your suggestions completely disappeared in the moment. Maybe I'll show her the post later and ask if any of the suggestions would have worked.

tl;dr: she's gay, into me and I'm an idiot”

End image ID]

[dualitysdownfall]

No I Will Not “Just Unplug” (a ramble)

[tl;dr: sometimes the internet is a shitty place but we don’t have to completely throw it away, we can still enjoy it and spend a lot of time there, we just have to focus on what matters most at any given moment. sometimes that does mean engaging with doom-and-gloom type stuff or discourse, but sometimes it just means finding things we enjoy and taking care of our mental states. what is often called “terminally online” topics/discourse is really a matter of forgetting that that topic doesn’t really matter irl. you can be online a lot without being “terminally online” if you focus on stuff that actually matters to you, whatever that may be, not necessarily in the activism sense, but also just things that make you happy.]

i am very Online.

most of today i spent on tumblr. most of yesterday i spent on tumblr. as of typing this i have another day’s worth of queued reblogs. i spend so much time on tumblr and twitter it isn’t even funny.

so many people say “we all need to unplug” “go touch grass” “let’s just quit entirely”

this is a message that stems from wanting to get away from the sheer toxicity that can be found on social media, which is undeniable and i can appreciate the message for that reason. but every time i hear it, my gut instinct is “hell no.”

for one thing, i couldn’t stay off socials if i tried. i get bored very easily. if i’m not fully focused on something, my optimum state of being is at least two things happening at once. so checking my phone while i watch something is basically an autopilot action for me at this point.

but for another thing, it’s like, my main connection to the world. even pre-pandemic. to be brief, i’m autistic and have trouble making friends in a face-to-face setting. online, i can just seek out the communities based on my interests and i have done so and therefore formed mutuals and friendships based on fandoms and identities. it would be so much harder to find in my irl spaces someone who i could tell that i like homestuck and deltarune and i’m autistic and asexual and agender but i use all pronouns, and they would just Get It the way you probably Get It if you’re reading this. the way my friends and partner Get It. the way i only Get It because i learned about things like gender and neurodivergence from tumblr.

so i can’t just abandon the internet. it’s where i can be fully openly myself.

but what about all the bad shit? and boy there is a lot of bad shit.

well, it’s kind of hard to avoid. tag filtering helps but i mostly use it for fandoms i’m not in (no offense intended to those fandoms, there are just sometimes a lot of posts that may be long). and some topics, like national/global news, i feel obligated to stay up to date on because i’m not going to hear about it anywhere else and i want to do good things where i can, or at least know what the right thing is.

but sometimes it is just too much.

sometimes the terf lady is trending again, and sometimes some new project comes out that’s about autism but actually supports eugenics ideology, and sometimes the fandom i follow is full of discourse and conflict, and sometimes governements are terrible (lol jk that’s all the time), and sometimes i do a stupid thing and some asshat who doesn’t understand what autism is starts picking on me in the replies. the times we are facing seem increasingly bleak, which makes it so much more glaringly obvious that when the internet allows us to hear from all over the world it allows us to hear a world’s worth of pain and suffering and our individual psyches just are not meant to handle that.

i cannot leave the internet. i don’t want to, and even if i did i would be worse off for it.

but i can know my limits and enforce boundaries on myself.

i am not obligated to be an activist and an informer for every shithead in the replies. i am not obligated to engage with literally anyone. i do not have to look at what i don’t want to look at. social media can be entertainment and escape, and i am free to curate my experience to align with that. i can handle exactly what i’m capable of handling and if i can’t handle something, who cares ignore it go do something else.

the way people say we should all just quit social media and we’d all be so much healthier if we unplugged... the way they say as if social media is nothing but a drain on our minds and causes only damage... just strikes me the wrong way. i mean, i can say from experience that it can be incredibly healing to just focus on something irl with the people around you for a few hours, but i couldn’t do that forever. and the internet has taught me so much, and it brings me so many things to smile about.

the key is balance.

the trouble with the people y’all are calling “Terminally Online” is that they get so tied up in intense discourse about micro-issues or whatever the hell else they do that they don’t seem to grasp that none of that shit is important. none of it matters in the real world.

i don’t like discourse as i can’t argue for shit and get very stressed in instances of conflict, so i imagine the online problems that trouble me are more tangible in the real world than meaningless micro-arguments. but they are tangible on the large scale. i do not have to be working for large-scale change all the goddamn time. i can take some time to bake cookies with my siblings or whatever, and most if not all of the things that trouble me while i’m online don’t fucking matter at all.

they’re allowed to matter at times. but they do not need to matter all the time.

there is such an emphasis, on social media, to know EXACTLY who and what you are and to know EXACTLY where you stand on every topic and to ALWAYS be showing who you are and where you stand.

you don’t have to know, and even if you do know, you don’t have to show it all the time.

it’s good to call out issues when you see them. it’s good to help spread the word. it’s good to help teach people about marginalized identities and how to show acceptance and support. but those things take energy, and eventually your energy will run out, and it’s ok to skip past an activism post because you’re just here to look at memes, or to give up trying to teach someone why the gender binary is bad because they’re a stubborn asshole, or to just do a craft or go someplace and not think about the internet at all.

i think that the issue lies not in “the internet is terrible” and more in “we need to take a step back and think about whether what we’re about to do really matters”. sharing my artwork with a fandom can matter to me. arguing with some stubborn dipshit in youtube comments about kris deltarune’s pronouns does not have to matter to me. spreading kindness and happiness matters to me, and sometimes that takes the form of advocating for marginalized identities, and sometimes it takes the form of posting a joke or a pretty picture for the sake of simple smiles, and sometimes what really matters is making sure that i’m happy too.

we don’t need to get rid of the internet. it’s not killing our brains just by virtue of existing. we just need to care about what matters to us. and some internet things do matter to me, like seeing wonderful fanart or funny videos, and reading about interesting things that exist in the world or how to avoid being shitty to a minority, and shouting my thoughts into the void, and replying to my mutuals’ shouted void-thoughts in the hopes that i can bring them a smile. sometimes the shit the internet brings with it doesn’t matter to me as much as letting in the sunlight or hugging my siblings or going somewhere with the people i care about. and that’s fine too.

i guess what i mean is, we can have it both ways.

i’m not even saying that people are commonly saying we can’t. i guess i just need to teach myself the lesson over and over again, that when given a choice between A and B, the answer is probably both or neither. (see: my romantic orientation, my gender, how long it takes me to grasp morally gray characters, my tendency to like media that i describe as “goodbad”, the list goes on)

i’m not Too Online. my sense of humor might indicate otherwise, but i know my limits and i know when i’ve had too much doom and gloom, and i can just go watch tv or eat dinner or maybe even (gasp!) hang out outside. it’s fine for my current emotional state to matter more than reading about widespread bigotry or whatever. and you know what? i can still come right back online later. and that’s fine too.

i guess i mostly wrote this for me. if you read the whole thing, wow. good for you i guess? did you take anything away from this?

[les-belles-infideles]

What happened with Kora @princesshamlet: A start at contextualizing the events of the past week

While I am writing this because Kora expressed that they would like it if someone would post something contextualizing what happened, I do not speak for them; my opinions and perspective are my own. I think the general response has been wildly disproportionate to their actual words and actions. Let me know if you have questions about anything or if my writing style is hard to read and I’ll do my best to clarify.

Tl;dr: Last fall, Kora, a new Supernatural fan, started rewriting Supernatural to be more racially diverse and to more overtly address social issues such as homophobia and misogyny. They continually asked for feedback, particularly from POC, and received overwhelmingly positive responses.

Earlier this week, Kora posted something that unintentionally played into ideas that harm trans men. They were horrified to have hurt people, immediately apologized and made an effort to learn more about the issues involved.

Yesterday, some of Kora’s friends cut them off, presumably over the abovementioned. Some people read Kora’s Supernatural rewrite and were offended by portrayals of various ethnicities; Kora tried to learn from these criticisms and apologize for them. People organized to spread bad-faith, extremely hostile claims and Kora left Tumblr.

Background:

- last fall, Kora started watching Supernatural, and posting about it, including making some popular reaction videos and an elaborate summary of the events of season 16 as of mid-November. They got really attached to Cas as a character and DeanCas as a ship.

- Kora made a post along the lines of “what if I drew Castiel as Indian?” and got encouraging responses, so they made a drawing. A lot of Desi people left comments saying that they really liked the drawing and that the representation was meaningful to them, so Kora started posting and reblogging a lot more about recasting Supernatural to be racially diverse.

- Kora accumulates a lot of ideas around how they wish Supernatural had been, and starts casually writing it up into a story. It didn’t even have a title for the first few chapters, but it quickly amassed a small, enthusiastic following.

- I started reading it at first mostly as a way of getting to know Kora, who was at the time a new friend irl (they didn’t mean to give me their Tumblr; I had followed them for Hamlet and Star Trek posts and then recognized them when they posted a selfie) but wound up getting pretty invested. I started watching Supernatural despite the fact that I can pretty much never commit to finishing a TV show.

- Kora’s general strategy was to post ideas on Tumblr and get input before including them in the fic, particularly regarding race and ethnicity. Plenty of people gave them feedback -- I remember one really long conversation where people swapped headcanons about what music a Mexican-American Dean Winchester would have liked growing up.

- iirc, they actively collaborated with multiple Latine fans of the fic on one chapter that foregrounded Mexican-American culture. These fans are credited in an author’s note.

- they received substantial encouragement from Supernatural fans of color for how they were writing the fic, and afaik no negative feedback.

- they also used the fic as a way to discuss and joke about their personal experiences with misogyny, repression, and homophobia, including writing Dean Winchester as undergoing a character arc involving working through and overcoming severe homophobia. When we called recently, they described going from homophobic to not homophobic as “the best character arc a man can have.”

- afaik they had beta readers or at least people to run ideas by for most chapters.

First incident:

- earlier this week, Kora posted a somewhat poorly-worded vent post about Dean Winchester’s misogyny in Supernatural canon.

- I think I reblogged it because I don’t have super high standards for my SPN blog and yeah, afaict Dean said some pretty gross things in canon? I’d seen a lot of people talk about it, particularly Asian women, it’s clearly a thing.

- several people expressed hurt at the post’s wording, which could be read as bigoted against trans men.

- Kora immediately apologized and started looking for ways to learn more about trans men’s issues (afaict, mostly asking friends and going through the trans dean tag)

- they messaged me about it (Tuesday 4/13/2021), and I took a closer look at the post and explained how in isolation it looked harmless, but some of the rhetoric fit into wider patterns of transandrophobia, i.e. part of the impetus for this post was Kora being surprised that some of their trans male friends project onto Dean, since he’s a pretty bad role model for gender -- I pointed out that one way trans men are marginalized within queer movements is by people perpetuating the idea that we’re more misogynistic than cis men (which makes no sense), and their post could be read as playing into that trope (that reading had occurred to me when I first saw the post, but I had initially dismissed it because Kora and I had been spending a lot of time talking about gender and I never felt that they distrusted me or saw me as a threat).

- they made another hasty apology post, quoting my message to them.

- I encouraged them not to worry too much about what strangers online thought about them, but they were very insistent that they had hurt people and needed to learn and make amends.

- I think what happened next was that the conversation sparked a larger discussion about transandrophobia in the Supernatural fandom? I’m not sure about this though, I was off Tumblr most of Tuesday and Wednesday. I saw a few well-written posts refuting the idea that it was misogynistic to headcanon Dean as trans. I did not see anyone claim it was misogynistic to headcanon Dean as trans, but again, I wasn’t looking.

The Discourse™:

- yesterday, Kora started getting a lot more and a lot meaner messages.

- a large part of their social circle cut them off all at once, saying they felt unsafe and that Kora was transphobic. Kora did not/was unable to receive further clarification, while actively seeking the chance to learn more and repair harm done.

- someone made a dedicated hate tag for them.

- a new group of people read their Supernatural rewrite, and were offended by their portrayals of race and their writing about homophobia, and additionally mocking their writing style. The tone was often extremely mean-spirited.

- Kora responded to and apologized for some of the concerns around their portrayal of race, and refuted some of the bad-faith readings of their depictions of homophobia.

- Kora made an effort to understand what they had done wrong but a lot of the posts weren’t very specific.

- some of the claims got fucking wild. A lot of them involved taking stuff out of context. I think w*ncest got brought up at one point???

- Kora wrote another apology and took a break from Tumblr, on the advice of another friend.

- I spent like a day gearing up to write this because I vastly underestimated the speed at which Tumblr discourse moves.