#some great comments ive seen people say about the statement

[monocrowee]

so last night i was drawing a certain vtuber and um decided to check twitter to see how the nijisanji situation was doing

anyways scrapped that im drawing cyyu and maybe dokibird instead plus i got some star rail sketches im working on

[enihk-writes]

i read your comment reply to the "x reader needs to be completely ambiguous" post and i have to say, i agree with your whole statement.

i am a poc fanfic writer myself and i think it is weirdly entitled when someone demands inclusion in that way? the majority of fanfic nowadays gives correct tags (i.e. f!reader or specific title!reader) and is inclusive enough (not using light/dark when talking of colours of skin/eyes/hair, not specificying on body type just saying that are shorter/taller than certain characters)

so I don't really understand OP's whole... rant. and about the whole personality and bg story? most long fics require some adequate backstory for their protagonist a.k.a the reader, so they need a backstory to be somewhat interesting right?

and did you read their PS 2? I have to say that writing ambiguous readers are easier (not easy, just less difficult) on short stories like drabbles or headcanons or one shots. but long fics? it is borderline impossible unless you want to have a boring 2-dimensional protagonist with the personality of a potato.

not to mention writers who write the untagged oc! reader stories are probably young. like 14 15 young. writers at that age are just writing for themselves and probably are new to the whole "writing for fandom" sphere.

idk anymore, I just wanna say I agree with your statement even if I'm afraid to reveal myself bc I'm scared of getting cancelled lmfaooo

i just saw their ps 2 and i personally think they're doubling down on a point just because someone else might not agree with them... ive been writing fanfiction since i was 13,,, im like 22 now, and i feel like what people in fandom nowadays (fuck i sound like a boomer urggghhh) forget that x readers were created as a form of self-insert. you as a reader just happen to have the "privilege" to also read this piece of fanfiction that someone else created to satisfy their own fantasies and thought that "hey i think someone like me out there might enjoy this too!!!"

i wouldn't say their rant is entitled, i guess they're not wrong but also,,, it's icky,, just that something in that rant is icky to me,,, ive seen this same argument over and over again in the past few years and many people have pointed out really good points (i.e. lack of poc rep) which is why i think it's great to highlight and boost poc!reader fanfics so that other poc writers know that they are appreciated in that fandom space!!! which brings me to the part in their rant where they talk about writing about ambiguous readers.

is it easy? to an extent, yes.

in my mind when i write fanfics, they are all faceless, shapeless entities,, but there is only so much i can do with this character that i cannot imagine. what happens when i want to explore certain topics that i might relate to? i can't expect my readers to understand what it's like being a first-generation immigrant in a first-world city, whose home country is now going through a civil war? but does that mean i'm going to not post what i write as an x reader? no! i'm going to post it so that you as a reader can see what goes on in my head, how i see the world and hopefully, that reader can appreciate the work i have put out that i wrote with my heart.

that's my side of the story. and honestly someone not liking a fic because it doesn't relate to them is the most self-centred take i have seen and it used to be a valid argument but now,,,, it's morphing into plain old "what about me?" and they end the conversation at that,,, like why should writers care about you? if you're not the target audience for these fics,, move on!!!

if you are, great! good for you!

if you want to see something specific, open that fucking word document and write!!!! im so tired of seeing people complain and complain without doing anything to change things themselves like okay boss babes let's stop with the lip service and do something with the abilities you have!!! it's going to be the shittest writing ever the first few times but by your 10th or 20th fanfic you are getting somewhere, you are writing the literature you want to see in fandom spaces and who knows,,, you could find your own audience that loves your niche!!!

maybe it's just the way ive been raised but the amount of self-centred individualistic sentiment that has been going on in recent years is so!!!!!! it makes me want to fucking scream!!!! write it yourself!!! do it yourself!!!! im not obliged to write anybody's preferences other than my own!!!!

[tswift]

hi so i’m never usually the person to send anon asks especially not to be like…. “arguing” or otherwise stirring up unnecessary drama and certainly not to make anybody feel bad, but i wanted to give some of my perspective on the whole anti hero mv scale issue, if you might let me. i def wanna make it clear that im not looking to be a jerk or say that you or anyone else is wrong or whatever at all. i do respect your perspective on this and i hope that’s clear throughout this!!

anyway i’m not the best person to speak on the issue from this side but ive spent a lot of time today trying to understand why people are taking issue with that part of the mv because admittedly, i definitely don’t feel right about it and ive wanted to get other peoples opinions, esp those who are the most impacted by the video. to me, it seems like people are less trying to call taylor fatphobic or cancel her or whatever, but rather they’re pointing out that the creative decision she made plays into fatphobia. no matter how you look at it, even when we consider her struggles with body image and eds and horrid experiences w the media and fans etc in this sense, it still doesn’t erase the narrative being perpetuated (or i’ll say implied because to be fair, we can’t know exactly what she meant or how she meant it) that being fat is bad, or that it takes away from your worth, etc. i am positive that she never would have put this out there intentionally, knowing that it can potentially be deeply harmful. however, that doesn’t change the fact that there are seemingly a considerable amount of people who were somehow hurt by this portrayal.

i’ve seen plenty of people of all body types with varying opinions here, but personally i do fear that it would be very harmful to just ignore and write off the voices of actual fat people who are saying that they feel hurt, or upset, or angry, or disappointed. even if we happen to disagree, it’s unfair to not even attempt to understand where they’re coming from and empathize with them here.

i’m sorry to bug you with this, but i hope that we can all kinda try to empathize with and understand each other a little more here. i’ve heard a lot from people with this particular viewpoint and i’m totally open to the other side as well :) i hope you’re having a great release day!!

Hi there! I must admit I was tempted to not read this because it's so long and I'm exhausted but you were super polite and thoughtful so I had to answer!

I've also spent a lot of time on twitter today reading various perspectives on her use of the word "fat." And I agree, that the video does reinforce that the word "fat" is something that should be viewed as derogatory.

HOWEVER, this is an extremely personal and vulnerable song that is about her individual experience. I think one of the reasons she really stressed the nature of this song is probably due to the scale scene where the word "fat" is featured.

I do not believe Taylor is making any kind of statement about being fat, or how we should react to the word. She is instead illuminating how the word was weaponized against her, specifically. And that the media played a huge part in her eating disorder and body dysmorphia.

The scene is basically the "bad" version of herself, the version who hates herself enough to let these very public criticisms of her body bleed into her own self-image. If anything, the scene is telling the audience that using the word "fat" in a derogatory way IS harmful and wrong. She could have easily put "flat ass" or "too skinny" and it would have the same effect. It's the very fact that there are people out there commenting on her body enough to either give her an ED or worsen an eating disorder she already had before becoming famous. We also need to consider how much of the spotlight Taylor is in compared to someone like me or you. You may have two or three people comment on your appearance in a negative way, well she has millions commenting and speculating and criticizing. Fatphobia is extremely prevalent and it was much worse even just five years ago.

But all of this does not change the fact that music is art and it's deeply personal. Not always, but this song is EXTREMELY personal. She did not make a song about the daily struggle of human beings, she made a song about her OWN struggles.

I think it would be disingenuous to the song and Taylor's own experience if she erased or altered it because people may watch it and make the song about themselves. This is a very rare time because this song is not really as universal. Like yes we can relate to having anxiety about our appearance and what people think of us/etc, but this song is specific to Taylor. She should not silence or rewrite her own history and trauma. She should not have to deal with people commenting and judging her on how she chooses to heal. Recovery is a long and winding road.

I hope this made sense. As someone who also has an ED, I did not find the use of the word offensive at all. I actually found it comforting to know that someone else out there feels the pressures of society, a society that tells girls too many harmful things and expects them to just accept it as a fact of life. But the bottom line remains: this is not about me or you. It is about her.

[farty-city]

inside bo burnham review no one asked for

i enjoy other peoples commentary and i was writing down my first thoughts anyway so here it is

inside

first song/intro song

i like the phone screen on him, very reflective of how we have had phone screens on us

“roberts been a little depressed” osnskjdnfs

they were right “daddys made you some content so open wide” hjbfafn

intro

oh my god he looks awful

but like in a cute way

maybe

healing the world with comedy (second song)

the canned and queued laugher no exactly�� is it a symbol or is it just funny.. who's to say. 

it think its a good first song, establishing he knows what he is doing is kind of useless 

“the indescribable power of your comedy”

he looks like marc maron rn

i like the synthed voice and synthesizer

the jesus allusion … yeah

“i'm a special kind of white guy”

this feels like he knows how he is perceived by fans.. Make happy was too much

his fucking dancing fksjdnfksj

i think he did a good job looking manic

the lasers lmao

Side 1

Bo made a huge gamble releasing this like,,, what if you just stumbled upon it and this was ur first introduction to him..

I bet its like when i comment dumb things on instagram comments and get that rush of hehehehe

NO NOT BO DEVELOPING BILLIE EILLISH VOWELS

Also this is exactly what he wanted like,, he just wanted to make his things and not deal with the crowds so..

To think i was like finding scraps of him performing at largo and stuff and now,, so much content

life imitates art

the way he's literally what he wrote hgbkdf

there is no authenticity with cameras

suicide ?

 facetime with my mom tonight

the blue light.. Yeah

o hblue like sad

i don't know how i feel about the electric music but i guess its no different than whatever else i listen to

this is sad wow

still catchy etc

side 2

i wonder if here will be any fart jokes

that is how the world works (songs)

the huge mess and then him in a sweater

this is reminiscent of that walmart muppets

he became tim minchin with a sock puppet

the “yes… yes sir” stoppp 

jkgdsnfijwkensfosnf

qbejfnjne

nerjgnoejns

bo making a political statement and a metaphor for activism and then making it weirdly kinky

brand consultant (bit)

man bun

i have to believe he filmed it with the beard because quarantine vibes and also bc he was tired of being seen as a child

white womans instagram (song)

i did not like that intro

BO AND GLASSES THANK GOD

the daisies wow just wow

underwear

“white womans instagram” or “bo burnham becomes a girlboss”

i like that he didn't lose his cadence like the way the rhymes are you can still tell its him

i don't get the mom part sorry

is it like how people are very superficial but also very personal on their instagrams

this part was legit sad

side 3

i wonder how he felt with cameras constantly on him

Although this is the point hes trying to make

lol seinfeld moment (bit)

unpaid intern (bit and song)

“barely people somehow legal” was so smooth woW

omg he was scatting

he was a man who would scat

oh my god what great news

the react clip omg

i cant believe he did that oh my god

observation/critisism and response to the “can anyone shut the fuck up” 

and as i realized what he was doing he was like “i have this need for everything i make to have a deeper meaning” oh my god

now the question is how long will this go on?

jeffrey bezos (song)

idk its catchy

and then theres him like sleeping and talking which kind of is part of the jeff bezos song

bug eyes salamanders hehe

sexting (song)

i do believe this is just a silly song 

the earrings tho omg

sounds like post malone hbkjdsnfskj

idk its still about like intimacy in quarantine and that stuff..

the knife (bit)

i know hes copying like other youtubers but like,,, what

stuck in a room (song)

the intro is very funny and relatable

classic bo i love it 

i will say this special has been more reflective but i suppose it has to be

“look whos inside again”

i like the end too, this is all a fabrication

this is the clip where hes staring at the projection of himself from his old youtube videos which is sort of more like an ending to the “stuck in my room” song

 sorry (song)

i love the 80’s style music and its like zumba

oh this is like an apology song

“father please forgive me for i did not realise what i did, or that id live to regret it” what a catchy line

i would say this is another more “classic” bo song where its self aware and funny

“my closet it chalk full of stuff that is vaguely shitty” 

camera falling

this deserves its own bullet because its silly

i'm turning 30 (bit and song)

i remember him talking about this on a podcast and like,, damn i didn't know this also happened LOL

i really like how he did the lighting 

“stupid fucking ugly boring children”

suicide talk (1)

this is interesting i like the use of the projection

this is something that could never have happened onstage

just like with the it being projected on him

i guess it could but it would have to be done differently and probably hed have to make it funnier to make it more engaging

intermission

i just checked this is about the halfway point.. Mh

i don't wanna know (song)

“i thought it’d be over by now”

i wish this was longer but i kind of like how its just a little snippet and then the cut

video game (bit)

“i guess i’ll cry again”

“is the dude big or is the room small” lol

hm depression

 feelin like shit (song)

ohh the lighting is fun again

this is the tone shift i suppose

the feels like supalonely and the new kind of music

atl

:(

panic attack 

everything all of the time (song)

feels like brandon rogers 

i enjoy this

this feels like “welcome to youtube” grew up

“a little bit of everything all of the time”

“apathys a tragedy and boredoms a crime”

ok olivia rodrigo

finishing the special (bit)

these feel like diary entries but as standup

interesting choice

jeffery bezos (2)

Why the seaweed suit

Where did he get that

the digital space (bit)

suit up, gather what is needed, and return to the surface

damn

pirate map anfdkjfnskjd

this was so stupid (affectonate)

that funny feeling (song)

the campfire vibes 

kenny loggins

i don't get it..

is it about childhood, is it about the present?

i think its talking about the end of content? 

“the end of culture”, to quote make happy

change and not liking it 

“we were overdue, but it will be over soon”

if the second half of the special is like a panic attack this song is like a momentary pause before it gets worse

“so ive been working on this special”/breakdown 

this was .. uncomfortable and genuine which i'm sure is why he kept it

all eyes on me (song/rant)

another sad thing to watch.. damn

me trying to tell if the audio was from make happy

i think he was trying to make it as if the audio was from make happy 

this feels.. familiar

and obviously that is the point

“come on in the waters fine”

the use of autotune during the talking part... yeah

sad that he was gonna make another special… and it would have been totally different than this

i’ve decided i like the homage to make happy

It feels like hes made peace with it

the montage of him waking up and the “i think i'm done”

and then of course the ending where he's watching it over to remind us that its all fabricated

possible ending song/ “i promise to never go outside again”

ngl he looks good in the shirt with the haircut hehe

which i feel like is what he wants up to notice

and then like not think after we saw all his breakdowns

“i want to hear you tell a joke when no ones laughing in the background”

i really like the medley

Final thoughts

I want a blooper reel, but this doesn't seem like the kind of special

I also wonder if the songs will be on like apple music, but again, doesn't seem like the kind of special

I'm happy for him, he got to be honest and open and show us the sort of panicky stuff

this self aware comedy is exactly the stuff that i think will be making a comeback in the next decade.  John better be pulling up with more deconstructed comedy. 

I hope this has given him peace

[sarah-writes-marvel]

After-Party Showdown: MCU Cast x Fem!Reader (platonic)

S.S.” Ive literally had this fic finsihed since like Febuary so its a little rough but let me know how you like it!

Warnings: Blood, predetor male (Sorry to anyone named Eric... im sure your very kind), rudness..., sexual talk (kinda)

Word Count:1,710

MASTERLIST

-----------------------------

We had finished watching the premiere of the newest Avenger movie and the set, cast and a few selected friends returned to the reserved reception room at the hotel that many were staying at. 

RDJ, Tom Holland, Hiddelston and Gwenth were talking with a few friends of theirs and some of the set members. Chris Evans, Hemsworth, Elizabeth and Scarlett were also in their own separate group that was somewhat merged with Sebastian, Anthony, Don and Paul.

I was new blood to the crew, and although I was immediately accepted by the cast, I watched them mingle from the bar.

Eventually people began to disperse, mainly people that worked the cameras and the background actions. Basically leaving the actors and actresses and their few friends they brought with. 

I continued to sit at the bar talking with various people that came to refill drinks, even had a lovely conversation with the bartender, who seemed slightly star stucken. Nearing the end of the night a charming gentleman came to my side and struck up a conversation with me as we sipped away at our drinks.

“Hello beautiful. I’ve got to say you’re way too pretty to be over here on your own.” he said with a pearly white smile.

“Oh well thank you.” I blushed at his compliment. 

“So why aren’t you mingling with everyone? I've seen you sitting over here all night.” he replied, studying my face.

“I’m more of a people watcher. Introverted and all that jazz.” I reply taking a sip of my drink looking at the cast laughing and talking.

“Alright I can understand that. Do you want to be less introverted and hang out with me?” He replied with a sly tone in his voice.

“Well you sitting next to me talking aren’t you?” I stated. “In my book that’s considered hanging out.”

“Well I meant more along the lines of a nice walk and maybe heading back to my place.” His statement was blunt and outgoing.

“Oh well, I appreciate the invitation but I have to decline.” I replied as kindly as possible.

“Oh come on sweetheart. Why not?” His voice whined.

“First I don’t know your name. Second, I'm not a one night stand kinda girl, I'm assuming that’s what you had in mind.” I looked at him pointedly and annoyed.

“I’m sure I could change your mind. I’m Eric. It’s wonderful to meet you.” He held his hand out and finally introduced himself.

“I wish you would’ve led with your name.”

“Duly noted.” he retracted his hand before he kept talking. “So what’s your name?”

“Y/n.”

“Very hot.” his comment caused me to roll my eyes just slightly.

“If you are going to try and complement my clothes off you should stop now.” 

“Why? Because it’s going to work.” He leaned in, the brandy apparent on his breath, his hand sneaking around my waist.

“No,it won’t work. I would also appreciate you not touching me.” I said scooting a few inches away.

“Oh come on. You know you want to have a good time.”

“I was having a good time.” Even I could recognize the annoyance in my voice. I continued to watch my friends talk amongst themselves, saying goodbye to others.

“I can make it so much better though. I mean the dress is just begging to come off. It would be a great addition to my floor.”

“Excuse me?” I set my drink down on the bar, standing up and crossing my arms in front of my chest.

“Oh please. You wore that so you could get compliments didn’t you?” His eyes looked at the dress that hung on my body. It was a decently modest midnight blue dress. It hugged my waist, the skirt ended just above the knee, it even had long sleeves. The only suggestive thing about it was the vneck and the open back.

“Yes. Compliments. That was not a compliment. That was a shitty way to try and pick up someone.” I replied.

“Oh please. You should be happy that I asked you.” His face turned to anger almost as if he was annoyed.

“I’m perfectly happy turning down your request. I hope that you have a good night.” I turned heading towards the group to leave behind the creep at the bar but a hand wrapped around my wrist and pulled me back.

“What the hell do you think you are doing.” My voice was stern yet quiet doing my best not to create a scene.

“I’m going to ask again until you say yes.” he’s hand tightened around my wrist.

“Let go of my wrist.” I demanded a little louder wishing that the bartender hadn’t left to retrieve more ice and alcohol.

“Not till you say yes.” He seethed. I tugged against the resistance on my wrist trying to pull away. “Quit being such a bitch and take the compliment that I actually want to sleep with you.” His voice was hot against my neck when he leaned in to whisper that into my ear. I snapped. 

I twisted my arm causing his hand to turn with it allowing me to break free, gripping his wrist pulling him from his seat wrapping his hand behind his back and shoving his face into the bar. Suddenly all eyes are on the interaction.

“First of all, I don’t need to feel grateful for you telling me that I look beautiful, I’ve heard it many times, and that my clothes would look better on your floor.” I let go of my hold, Evans and RDJ approached the two of us. Eric stood up, raising his hand, almost in an attempt to hit me.

“I wouldn’t do that.” Evans said before Eric moved.

“Don't tell me what to do with my girlfriend.We we’re just having a nice conversation.” Eric smirked, his hand placed on my waist.

“Seriously. You seriously just did that?” RDJ laughed.

“What? Did you come to save her or something?”

“Oh no. We aren’t saving her. She can easily take you on her own. We’re just suggesting that you don’t do that because it’ll come with an asswhopping from a young woman in heels and many lawsuits.” RDJ started with a smug tone.

“There is no way in hell that she'll be able to take me. Plus I've got amazing lawyers.” Eric spat back with a smirk.

“Oh ya, no. You really don’t want to challenge her.” Hemsworth commented. Eric looked at him with anger in his eyes. I picked up my glass from the counter, taking a sip and holding onto it so I wouldn’t punch his face.

“Whatever.” he turned towards me. “Good luck ever getting laid with your attitude.You’re nothing without a man's approval you know. Even had to have these people come to your rescue.” 

His voice was quiet and annoyed trying to dig under my skin. And it did a little bit, but it just fueled my anger toward him. I looked at him and the glass shattered in my hand as I tightened my grip. The glass fell to my feet the remaining liquid splashing onto my dress and onto his outfit. 

“You can go.” I even scared myself with the tone of my voice as I spoke. The look of fear in the man's eyes gave me a sense of pleasure that I put him in his place. He pushed his way through the group that had surrounded us and rushed through the exit.

“Well then. What a dick.” I started watching the door close. My hand was still in a fist and I held my other hand underneath, feeling the blood from the cuts drip into a puddle in my palm.

Everyone looked at me shocked.

“Sorry. I didn’t mean to involve anybody. Is everyone ok?” I looked at the astonished faces of my friends.

“Are you seriously asking if we're ok?” RDJ questioned.

“Well ya.” I shrugged my shoulders looking at everyone who all seemed very concerned.

“You just crushed a glass with your bare hand. You are bleeding. We should be asking you that!” He exclaimed.

“Oh ya. I’m fine. I really hate guys like that though.” I looked down at my dripping hand and turned around to face the bar. I reached behind grabbing one of the clean white towels, dipping it into the cup of water that I had at the spot I was sitting. I began cleaning the affected wounds when Evans took over.

“You know I knew that you could take Hemsworth and I but I never knew you could do this! You gotta be careful. Someone might think you've got some super soldier serum flowing in your blood.” He smiled as he wiped away the blood and examined the cut in the center of my palm for glass. “Alright this may hurt just a bit.” He began tightly wrapping the cloth around my hand, tucking the end into itself.

“You should go to a doctor to get that properly taken care of.” Scarlett added.

“That's a good idea.” I agreed, standing from the seat that I had been pushed down on. “Well I had a great night with y’all! I hope I didn't ruin it with that little fiasco.” I smiled grabbing my clutch from the bar and walking through the group.

“Well where the hell are you going?” RDJ questioned.

“The hospital to get stitches, you know like Scar suggested.” I was confused at his question.

“Well someone’s gotta go with ya.” Evans stated.

“Ya. We’ll go with you. The night is still young!” RDJ exclaimed standing up and meeting me.

“You don't all have to come, it'll just be a couple of stitches.” I laughed.

“Too late I called the limo already. We're taking a trip to the hospital!” RDJ celebrated. Soon the rest of the crew was chiming in on a “To the hospital” chant as we made our way out the door, earning confused and concerned looks from the staff of the hotel. 

To say the hospital staff was surprised to see the cast of the marvel movies enter the emergency was an understatement, but I was glad to have the best people around me, even if it was for a few stitches.

---------------------------

Like I said it was one of the first fics I had written a while ago... But I hope you liked it! thanks for reading!

[bokunoheroanalysisforthefuture]

With the second half of chapter 11, I am ready for people thoughts / questions / comments on the opening arcs. Were there favorite parts of it? Parts you wish had had a little more to them? Who’s your favorite / least favorite of the characters as shown so far? Anything you found particularly interesting about certain scenes / panels / etc. that you want to share? Have at it! 

I’ll probably be doing some of that myself as I go back through for any little moments I liked, and sort of summarize my own thoughts on the opening arcs. Then, of course, we get to get into the USJ, and see some real action! <3

[No. 11 - Bakugou’s Starting Line]

We come back to the nurse’s office, where Toshinori is awkwardly hovering by Izuku’s bed while Recovery Girl tears into him for Izuku’s third time in her office despite the school year only just starting, and why he hasn’t prevented that damage from happening. Toshinori apologizes to her, and she tells him it’s not her he needs to apologize to. 

(Also, man he’s swimming in his hero costume - really gives a sense of the size difference between the two forms to be honest.)

She notes that Izuku’s come to her both that day and the day before completely fatigued, and that this sort of damage isn’t so easily healed. He’s on an IV drip and has gotten emergency first aid, but all that can be done now is wait for him to recover on his own. 

Which brings me back to chapter 4 with her managing to heal him while he’s completely unconscious and in way worse shape - I really do believe at this point that she CAN use her own stamina to help a patient in critical condition who doesn’t have the energy to heal themselves, but it’s not as effective and, well, drains HER to the point where she won’t be able to help others who might be in need. Ergo, in situations like this, she sticks to hoarding her stamina and letting kids heal their own reckless behavior. (She probably could do a lot more in her prime, but alas.)

She states that she knows Toshinori gave Izuku his power, but regardless of favoritism, Toshinori has to stop indulging Izuku. Toshinori scratches under his ear in embarrassment and says she’s right - he was sympathizing too much, so he hesitated. He then goes on to hesitantly ask her to keep it down while at least discussing One For All. 

She huffs and turns away, mocking him with his ‘natural born hero’ and ‘symbol of piece’ titles. He goes on to explain (for audience benefit alone tbh) that while the staff of UA know about his true form and injury, only Recovery Girl, the principal, an old friend of his (who will later be revealed as Detective Tsukauchi), and Izuku know about his quirk. To everyone else, it’s a secret.

(We know from later on that this isn’t quite true - there are a few others who know - but I suppose that this is the ring of people who he interacts with at this point in time, which is… really fucking depressing. 

Of course, Horikoshi might not have come up with either character beyond vague thoughts and outlines at this point, so I suppose he didn’t want to box himself in on a character design before he was sure they fit his needs. Gran probably was outlined vaguely at this point? But I think Nighteye might not have been created until around Kamino.)

Recovery Girl asks rhetorically whether that talk is just him resting on his laurels, then a bit more seriously asks whether it’s really that important that he be a natural born hero and the Symbol of Peace. We get another up-close shot of Toshinori’s intensity as he states that without him, superhuman society would fall to evil.

(A bit egotistical there, much? But I think it’s also a bit of the toxic mindset he’s had build up over the ages - that he’s alone in being able to hold things together, that there’s no one to fall back on, that he can’t afford to be ‘helped’ even as he keeps falling apart.)

Toshinori then goes on to explain that this is the responsibility that wielders of One For All must bear. Recovery Girl contemplates this quietly for a moment, then says that it’s then all the more important for Toshinori to learn how to guide Izuku properly. 

We transition to after school… which does end up leaving me to wonder whether I was off about heroics being the last class of the day, but at the same time, I don’t see how the teachers expect the kids to be able to focus on academics after two hours of heroics training, not to mention that the kids do need time to digest lunch, so,,, eh. I’m going to presume that here it’s more that with the battle trials ending a bit early, there was time afterwards for discussion before the school day ended.

Anyways, Izuku is just trudging back to class, still in his damaged costume and wearing a sling for his right arm. He’s slouched over, thinking about how Aizawa-sensei is ‘really gonna let him have it’ - which says a lot about his expectations for teachers at this point. He opens the door to the classroom, and is surprised when Kirishima notices him and announces his return, as well as welcomes him back. 

Izuku is quickly surrounded by several classmates (Kirishima, Mina, and Sato), all of whom are excited to talk to him, much to his confusion. Kirishima says that even without knowing what was being said, the battle was wild. Mina complements Izuku’s dodging (which makes sense now that I think about it - she does a lot of dance and incorporates it into her fighting, so she might have thought Izuku was similar? Maybe?) Sato says that everyone was pumped after the crazy first round.

Kirishima, Mina, Tsuyu, and Sato all then introduce themselves in order, with Kirishima saying that they were discussing battle training, Mina restating her admiration for Izuku’s dodging skills, Tsuyu that she just prefers to be called Tsuyu. Izuku is a bit overwhelmed. To the side, Tokoyami grumbles about them being noisy while sitting on the desk - much to Tenya’s concern as he demands Tokoyami get off of it. Someone else tells Tenya to not get bent out of shape. 

The true crack ship - KamiChako. Which is immediately ruined when Ochako makes her way over to Izuku, noticing and worrying over his arm and whether he’d gotten it healed. Izuku says it wasn’t quite healed, since he was so worn out, and then he apologizes and says he has something to do. That something being rushing after Katsuki.

(Literally, that boy walks in, looks around, sees Katsuki isn’t there, and immediately goes ‘sorry I have to go immediately’. Like, I know this is a shounen, but at the same time…)

Izuku catches up to Katsuki on the way to the gate out of the grounds, and is, uh...

Not looking that great, captain. Those bags under his eyes have really seen some cultivation in the time since the battle trial. 

Izuku’s internal thoughts note that where everyone else wanted to talk to him, Katsuki just clammed up and went home. Or maybe it’s Izuku’s memory of Toshinori recounting the aftermath of the class? But Toshinori left right at the end, so uh… I have no idea. 

Anyways, Izuku catches up and gets his attention, drawing Katsuki’s shadowed stare (it’s not quite a glare? So yeah.) Izuku is looking down a bit, narration noting that he hasn’t even told his mom his secret as he states that he can’t say much, but that Katsuki should know this. Izuku thinks about Katsuki’s comments during the battle trial about tricking him, and then…

Well that was a face adventure Katsuki went through. It’s a really good thing he was also too distracted by his own existential angst to really think about Izuku’s words.

But to dig more deeply into this, we can start from the top - literally. Starting at all that space at the top, and then the empty panel (asides from the two) where Izuku states he got his quirk from someone else. It really sort of gives a beat before such a weighty reveal, and more so how, in that moment, Izuku is only focused on Katsuki as he says it.

Izuku goes on to explain that he can’t say who it’s from, and that it’s a bit like a conversation out of a comic book, and that on top of that he can’t even really use it yet, so the borrowed power is pretty useless to him, which is why he tried to beat Katsuki without it… only to fail and be forced to rely on it. While this is happening, Katsuki’s expression goes from confusion/what the fuck towards outright pissed as Izuku rambles on, seemingly nonsensically from his point of view. Izuku states that he has a way to go, and then looks up and meets Katsuki’s gaze as he states that he’s going to make that power his own someday, and then overcome Katsuki with his own power. 

This seems to derail Katsuki’s anger for a moment back towards shock - possibly for the sheer boldness and earnestness of the statement. Izuku’s a bit embarrassed at his rambling reveal, thinking that he’d just meant to tell Katsuki he hadn’t been tricking him, but, well. 

Katsuki wobbles a bit in place, likely to keep himself from instinctively going after Izuku for being, well, Izuku. He repeats Izuku’s comment about borrowed power, then says he has no idea what Izuku’s talking about, but that Izuku is clearly determined to keep making a fool out of him. His anger boils back up as he grits out another swear, and then gets into how he lost to Izuku, and then if that weren’t enough, there was another student - Shouto - who he knows he can’t measure up to. He slaps a hand to his face, nails digging into his hair as he swears again and notes how ‘ponytail girl said it all’. He snaps his arms back down, swearing more, and demands a mostly rhetorical why from Izuku - likely in response to his fear of being able ot measure up to someone he had until then looked down on. Katsuki then declares through tears - and some repetition for emphasis - that from there on out he’s gonna beat everyone. 

He then spins back around and starts to walk off, rubbing at the tears while telling Izuku to enjoy his win, since it won’t happen ever again. Izuku holds himself firm a bit longer, then sighs and seems to lose whatever energy he’d dredged up for that conversation - methinks it’s also a bit exasperated with Katsuki? I mean, I have to admit trying to have a serious convo with the kid has to be a struggle sometimes.

Incredible. Thanks, All Might. And I can’t help but cackle at Izuku swaying in the wind created with All Might rushing right past him to get to Katsuki, as well as that ‘ow!’ from Katsuki. All Might is latched onto Katsuki’s shoulder as he kind of greets the kid, with Katsuki looking about five seconds from turning around and biting the man in the arm like a semi-feral cat.

All Might is wheezing a bit in holding this form while rushing to catch up, starting to offer some advice - that Katsuki’s self-respect is important, and that he definitely has the makings of a pro, just so long as he-

Katsuki cuts him off by telling him to get off, since he can’t walk. He then goes on to say that it’s without question that he’ll be a hero who surpasses even All Might. All Might is surprised at that rebound, taking his hand off while thinking that the usual egomaniac is back. All Might mutters about how being a teacher is tough while watching Katsuki stalk off.

Izuku’s narration notes that Katsuki’s fuse had been lit, but his own goals hadn’t changed - that he would keep chasing after him. While he’s staring dramatically after his childhood friend, All Might starts asking what he said to Katsuki.

We have a last transition to a few days later, the narration noting that the class learned an important lesson that All Might had warned them about - about how they should fear the cleverest of villains. The scene is set in a different area, with the frontmost building being a bar. Someone is shown reading a newspaper article about All Might teaching at UA, as well as his temporary leave from his hero agency. 

The person sets the newspaper down folded neatly, noting how All Might is a teacher now. The voice then goes a bit raspy (or maybe it’s a different speaker) as they wonder out loud about what would happen if villains killed the symbol of peace. 

Whoo boy, what a first introduction to the main antagonist of the series.

It seems like he has all five fingers on the newspaper in those panels? But it might just be the weird angle that keeps us from seeing how careful he is to not do so, which might have given away his quirk before it gets shown in the next arc. 

Also, hello misty character who definitely doesn’t have some deeper, tragic backstory we eventually learn about. 

About those hands… you know, I know what the ‘official’ story behind them ends up being, but like, they all look the same, so I wonder if those are just… random hands from his victims over the years. ...while the design is suitably disconcerning, it also makes sense that Hori would eventually chuck them aside thanks to how much extra drawing and detail they all need. 

Anyways, that closes out the chapter and the opening arcs, so again, open for any sort of thoughts/questions all of you have. I should have my own out in the next few days, I think.

[pikemoreno]

if you ever wanna be in love

Chapter IV: Plan B and Other Messes

a/n: this is my favorite so far, but it’s only gonna get better from here!

taglist is open if you’d like to be added. sorry if you asked and i missed it or forgot. please just ask again if you aren’t on there and would like to be. :’)

pairing: marcus pike x f!reader

word count: 2k

warnings: none, and i don’t expect there to really be any serious ones in upcoming chapters either. this is just fun.

If this plan was foolproof, you were all worse than fools.

It had started fine. It had been more than a week since the disastrous failure that was Plan A, and you spent the week doing some reconnaissance to keep Wendy’s brief interaction with Adrian on the top of her mind.

On Tuesday, you had asked her again about the elevator incident, stating: “Wow, that must’ve been scary. Did you have someone with you? I don’t think I remember.” She responded that there had been and that he was “nice.” 

On Wednesday, you had asked her if she had caught the name of the “mystery man” in the elevator. Did he work in the building? What department? Was he cute? She had said that she “Didn’t catch his name or his department, but… Yeah, he was alright, I guess.” Not a lot to work from, you lamented, but it was a start. You told her you’d see what you could find out and she groaned, telling you not to get into it, that she was fine. If only she knew how late she was on that sentiment.

On Thursday, you had taken the day off from bothering her about it. After all, you couldn’t make it seem like you found out everything about him in a day. Because that would have just been absurd. 

Today-- Friday-- you spilled all of your “research” to her: name, age, department, and the information that he’d been “asking about her too”-- ignoring the fact that that was only true because Marcus had been giving him the same treatment you were giving Wendy this week. Her eyes lit up a little at hearing she’d been asked about too, and you knew you had her hook, line, and sinker.

You met Marcus outside on your lunch break to debrief and discuss the finale of Plan B, sitting on a wooden-slatted bench with him underneath the slowly changing leaves of the trees in the courtyard. While an uncharacteristically cool breeze blew by, you were starting to decide that if you could just get Wendy and Adrian to this point right here, that would be enough to bring them together. It was a quiet and secluded place, a blessed change from the chaos of work on the other side of those glass double doors in the distance. There was something undeniably romantic about it all. 

With the right person to share it with, of course.

This wasn’t a romantic exchange. It was planning, organizing, talking about another’s romance, and never your own. There was absolutely nothing inherently romantic about this, certainly nothing in the way he smiled at you from the corner of his eye as you talked about how the week had gone with Wendy. There was nothing in the way you admired the light in his eyes when he grinned and how they crinkled when he laughed and nothing in the way you wanted to make sure he laughed every single day.

Oh no. Oh no no no no. 

This whole thing was about Wendy, not you. And certainly not Marcus. 

“So, what’s the plan for this evening?” His question brought you out of your daze.

“Umm,” you cleared your throat, re-gathering yourself as you poked at your lunch with your fork. “We’re gonna text them both separately to meet us at Copper Coin for coffee. We won’t be there when they arrive. We’ll be twenty minutes late and hope that they’ve decided to sit together in that time. If they haven’t, we’ll make sure they do,” you shrugged. 

“Right,” he nodded, and you returned it. Silence overtook the moment, but not in the serene way it had previously. This was decidedly more awkward. You were back in your head, doing the mental calculations of why and how there was nothing at all romantic about your friendship with Art Squad over here. That’s all it was; that’s all he was. You vaguely heard him call your name-- your real name.

“Hm?” you blinked, looking back to him.

“Where’d you go?” he murmured quizzically, his eyes searched your face in a way that undid all of the mental calculation you just went through.

“What? Nowhere. Anyway,” you stood quickly, gathering your stuff, “See you later.” You couldn’t ignore the feeling of his curious eyes still on you as you walked away.

This was not happening.

You’d be lying if you said that lunchtime exchange wasn’t at the forefront of your mind for the rest of the work day... And as you drove to the coffee shop… And now that you were sitting across from Marcus yet again, waiting on Wendy and Adrian, who still had yet to show up after the predetermined twenty minutes you were giving them before sitting inside the mahogany-saturated, hipster’s paradise yourselves. 

Plan B was most certainly not foolproof, and the four of you were the grandest of fools. Where could they be?

“They’re gonna walk in and think we’re the ones on a date,” Marcus quipped as he took a sip of his drink. You almost spit yours out from the surprise of the comment, but couldn’t help the huff of laughter.

“Oh, if Wendy walked in and thought I was on a date with a guy like you, she would probably cry tears of joy.”

“What does that mean?” You missed the warm pink take over the skin of his neck at what he was hoping was a compliment. 

A guy like him? 

How did you see him? 

“My recent track record is not great,” you stated, running a finger around the rim of your drink, “I would go on a couple of dates with someone. Never let it go anywhere. Decline any attempt to make it exclusive. Get the hell out of there. Rinse and repeat.”

“Why do you think that is?” 

You were making him nervous. It was pretty obvious to him now that he was starting to be interested in you beyond just being a work friend helping him with a “project”. But hearing your hesitance to commit in the past made his heart sink. He knew too well the feeling of being the one more invested in the relationship, of scaring someone off by going all in. He couldn’t let himself fall into that again with you. He’d have to force himself away, push down what was threatening to blossom.

“Afraid of getting hurt, I guess. I’ve seen a lot of committed relationships around me fail. People falling out of love. I don’t want that.” You shrugged.

“That’s a very reasonable fear.”

“Exactly. So I’m just… Waiting I guess. Wendy sees it as me just having commitment issues. I don’t have commitment issues per se. I just haven’t really found anyone worth committing to yet.”

“I’m afraid I have the opposite problem.” You tilted your head, questioning, and he continued, “I haven’t found anyone worth committing to, but I don’t realize it until it’s too late.” he sighed, “I was that one teenager who had one steady girlfriend from eighth grade all the way through high school and never looked at anyone else-- probably for the best, I was kind of a dork,” he laughed despite himself and you joined. It fizzled sadly, “But anyway. Everyone thought we were gonna be together forever. And I started to think so too after, you know, five years. I had it all planned out by the time we got to senior year. We wanted to go to the same college. We’d date through college, I’d propose on our graduation day... We didn’t make it past senior prom. She had disappeared for a while, and I found her in a supply closet with another guy.” You couldn’t help but gasp a little. He continued “Then I still got married pretty young, not long out of college,” he shook his head, seemingly to clear out the emotions that reared their ugly heads for what was obviously the first time in a while. You wanted him to know he didn’t have to explain himself to you. 

“Marcus, don’t--” you tried to stop him.

“I was ‘too much’ for her.” You froze at the admission. His mouth contorted into a frown that didn’t suit him at all. “I’m still not sure I know what she meant by that,” he laughed humorlessly, “Guess I cared too much? Who knows. She divorced me, and that was that.” You both looked down to find that you’d put your hand on his. There was a part of you-- maybe more than a part, really-- that decided that what he was saying sounded nice. That he would be a blessed change from relationships that never lasted longer than a month and whose conversations never reached the level of depth that you were already experiencing with Marcus after just the couple of weeks you’d known him. You breathed, letting your hand stay resting on his as you spoke truly.

“What you said was right. Neither of them were worth your commitment. I’ve seen your commitment to someone who’s just a work friend, and I can’t imagine anyone not wanting that in their life. They couldn’t have been worth your time.” His thumb reached up to brush against the side of your hand. “I would--” You stopped yourself mid-sentence upon looking at the cafe door to find Wendy finally walking in.

If only you knew that Marcus was holding his breath waiting for the end of the statement, hoping to hear you say that he might be worth that commitment. 

“There’s Wendy now.” Your hand left his as you got up to meet her, and Marcus found himself immediately missing the contact and entirely unsure of what just happened. 

“An hour late? Where have you been?” you laughed as Wendy met your eyes excitedly. 

“You’ll never guess what just happened,” she practically squealed in response, yet not answering your question.

“Probably not. Go for it.”

“I got my rebound!” You blinked.

“You-- What?”

“So right before you left the office, I received a tip on a case from the Elisabet Ney Museum. They had some priceless jewelry of hers on display. Only supposed to be up for a week. Family heirloom. It’s on display for two days before it turns up stolen. But get this: the bust of hers it was on was also stolen. Meaning this case also falls under the jurisdiction of the Art Squad. I figured ‘Hey, the more, the merrier,’ so I hopped on down to the 6th floor to talk to them about a team-up and guess who I ran into?” Your eyes widened, finally getting the point of the story.

“Adrian.”

“Adrian!” she nearly squealed again, talking a mile a minute. “So anyway, we’re gonna be teamed up on that next week.” You subconsciously shot a glance over to Marcus. Having to work a case with him? After the day you just had? “But the crazy part is that I started talking to Adrian and he’s so great, you know, now that I’m not freaking out in an elevator. Turns out he’s a recent dumpee too, and we’re gonna go out tomorrow night. Oh, and we might’ve made out in the supply closet.” The words of that last part all ran together as she tried to play it off nonchalantly. You let your mouth hang open in the flurry of words and admissions that came far too quickly for you to process fully. 

“Wow. That’ s-- That’s great! I told you he was worth looking into,” you smiled weakly, trying to get over the newest developments in this absolutely ridiculous story. “So, this case? Starting next week?”

“Monday morning, bright and early. Hey, didn’t you say you had a friend on Art Squad? The one who gave you a ride that one day? That’ll be fun, right?”

“Yeah, yeah, for sure.” You caught Marcus’s eye, and your face must have betrayed just how exasperated and confused-- and… relieved?--  you felt because the look he shot back to you was full of concern. Everything was somehow simplified and complicated in one fell swoop. 

Plan B: Success? You guess?

forever taglist: @acomplicatedprofession @hdlynn @makaela27 @space-floozy @catfishingmorales @ithinkhesgaybutwesavedmufasa @princessbatears @synystersilenceinblacknwhite @findhimfives @mistermiraclee

series taglist: @whiskeyslasso​ @ahopelessromanticwritersworld @dindjarindiaries​ @absurdthirst​ @roxypeanut​ @fioccodineveautunnale​ @dirty-dancefl00r5  @starryeyedstories​ @buckysalefty​ @wickedfrsgrl​ @the-feckless-wonder​

[feste-the-jester]

Do you know what’s fun?

Picking the blog of someone you don’t like, and seeing how far you can twist things to make it fit the BITE model -criteria to identify a cult. GREAT fun. All you need is a bit of creativity and a total disregard for accuracy. Don’t believe me? Let’s have a try and see how we do! The Bite model can be found here, with many thanks to the Fool for bringing it to my attention.

I. Behavior control:

6. Manipulation and deprivation of sleep.

The Fool lives in Australia and most of his readers are in a different time zone. This means that every time he starts publishing numerous posts about the latest drama, his followers are likely to get absorbed in it, depriving themselves of sleep and becoming more susceptible to his interpretation of things.

9. Major time spent with group indoctrination and rituals and/or self indoctrination including the Internet.

Each time the Fool decides on a new “sin”/aberrant behavior that the “enemy” is guilty of, he will publish many posts repeating the same assertion. Frequent repetition of the core message is a well known indoctrination technique. Many of the Fool’s followers are likely spending an inordinate amount of time on his blog, judging by the speed and frequency that “likes” from the same people appear.

10. Permission required for major decisions.

The Fool often receives and publishes asks, asking him for permission to create a blog similar to his, asking if it’s ok to follow or interact with Simon Alkenmayer, whether they or their friends are safe etc.

11. Thoughts, feelings, and activities (of self and others) reported to superiors.

Readers inform the Fool of what is happening on Simon and Kristina’s blog, report (often mistakenly, rarely, if ever, corrected) what Simon has said or done, both on tumblr and on other social media, such as Twitter. They also contact the Fool to report on their own thoughts and reactions to Simon.

12. Rewards and punishments used to modify behaviors, both positive and negative.

Readers who agree with the Fool and mirror his opinions are rewarded with sympathy (for their negative experience) and by having their intellect and critical thinking skills praised. Anyone who disagrees is deemed to be naive, immature, indoctrinated by Simon, incapable of logic etc. Indeed, the whole continued existence of the Fool’s blog is arguably a form of punishment for Simon “threatening him” with legal action back when the blog was first created. This communicates to members what kind of retribution they may expect if they cross the leader’s boundaries.

13. Discourage individualism, encourage group-think.

Any reports confirming the Fool’s assertions about Simon are immediately welcomed, believed, and adopted into the canon. Dissenting voices are “sent by Simon”, “haven’t read or understood the Fool’s arguments” or have been “manipulated.” The Fool does not acknowledge that it is possible for an intelligent, reasonable and objective adult to read his arguments and disagree with him.

14. Impose rigid rules and regulations.

Such as not answering asks that are not formatted to his liking, and he “can’t be bothered to read”.

16. Threaten harm to family and friends.

The Fool will publicly assert that he has never threatened anyone. However he has gone out of his way to connect Kristina to Simon, who is portrayed as “the enemy”. Several people, including this Jester, have been warned by friends to be careful of attracting the Fool’s and followers’ ire.

18. Instill dependency and obedience.

Readers expect the Fool to tell them which of Simon’s behaviors are problematic. Anyone who disagrees is likely to be accused of the same. (“If you think this isn’t racist, then you are also racist” etc.)

II. Information control:

1. Deception:

a. Deliberately withhold information.

Such as selective quoting, neglecting to withdraw statements that have been proven wrong, and not acknowledging any outside posts that don’t fit with the narrative.

b. Distort information to make it more acceptable.

Such as selective quoting, ignoring context and applying his own interpretation to things said by the “outsiders”.

c. Systematically lie to the cult members.

For example repeating that Kristina accused him of physically setting a fire on her drive.

2. Minimize or discourage access to non-cult sources of information, including:

a. Internet, TV, radio, books, articles, newspapers, magazines, other media.

Frequent repetition of how “unreadable” Simon’s books are, or how “long and ranting” his posts are can be seen as discouraging his followers from accessing them and forming their own opinion.

b. Critical information.

Any posts sharing positive experiences involving Simon are either ignored or discounted.

d. Keep members busy so they don’t have time to think and investigate.

Every time one of the Fool’s theories on Simon’s misdeeds is disproven, the Fool quickly moves on to a new accusation, keeping his followers from going back and reconsidering his previous posts.

4. Encourage spying on other members

b. Report deviant thoughts, feelings and actions to leadership.

The Fool often receives and publishes third party reports on Simon’s posts and behavior, inside and outside of tumblr. These are not fact-checked, but are welcomed and encouraged.

c. Ensure that individual behavior is monitored by group.

The Fool often receives and publishes third party reports on Simon’s posts and behavior, inside and outside of tumblr. These are not fact-checked, but are welcomed and encouraged.

5. Extensive use of cult-generated information and propaganda, including:

b. Misquoting statements or using them out of context from non-cult sources.

The Fool will often misquote Simon, and those misquotes will go on to be repeated with frequency by him and his followers.

III. Thought control:

1. Require members to internalize the group’s doctrine as truth.

a. Adopting the group's ‘map of reality’ as reality

If you don’t believe the Fool to be right, you are illogical, brainwashed or “reaching.” Frequent use of phrases such as “Obviously,” “We all know” etc reinforces this.

Everyone the Fool interacts with must acknowledge that what he is doing is critique, despite all evidence to the contrary.

b. Instill black and white thinking

Simon is “a bad person.” Everything he does must be seen and interpreted through this lense, which is reinforced frequently. The Fool often writes or publishes that Simon is “a bad person,” “a garbage person”, “an asshole” and similar descriptors.

c. Decide between good vs. evil

The Fool gets to determine what is good and what is evil. Simon is evil, and must be called out at every opportunity. The Fool and his followers are good, so any slurs, lies or offensive statements they make are excused and covered up.

d. Organize people into us vs. them (insiders vs. outsiders)

The Fool’s followers are intelligent, “have brains” and would never endanger anyone. The Fool trusts them to handle things appropriately. Simon’s followers are simple, impressionable, a mob. The Fool does not trust them to report their own experience, and their judgement is compromised by definition.

2. Change person’s name and identity.

The Fool calls Simon “Si”, “Krimon” and “Kristina”. Anonymous visitors to his ask box are encouraged to choose a “code name” to protect them from the evil Simon.

3. Use of loaded language and clichés which constrict knowledge, stop critical thoughts and reduce complexities into platitudinous buzz words.

Using loaded terms such as “misappropriation”, “grooming” to describe Simon’s actions and descriptions such as “critique” for his own writing help the Fool elicit the reaction he wants from his followers.

6. Memories are manipulated and false memories are created.

For example an influx of Anonymous asks that somehow suddenly realised years later that Simon behaved badly towards them, even if they didn’t think that way back then.

8. Rejection of rational analysis, critical thinking, constructive criticism.

The Fool has blocked people for disagreeing with him. He frequently shuts down polite questions and uses sarcasm to avoid answering. Despite not affording Simon the same luxury, the Fool expects his readers to “take his word about what he meant” with a post, even if the messenger is politely explaining how it came across.

9. Forbid critical questions about leader, doctrine, or policy allowed.

For example saying that he will “not publish any asks defending antisemitism. Even if that’s not what you think you are doing.” In effect, if you disagree with the Fool’s interpretation of Simon’s behavior as antisemitic, then you are defending antisemitism. No dissent allowed.

10. Labeling alternative belief systems as illegitimate, evil, or not useful.

No one possibly believes Simon is an actual monster, and if they do, they are unable of critical thought.

11. Instill new “map of reality”.

Commenting on someone’s art, mocking them, calling them names, is “literary critique”. Attempts to answer to accusations are “rants”. Asking someone if the possibility of legal consequences bothers them is “threatening” and “becoming irrationally angry”. And so on...

IV. Emotional control:

1. Manipulate and narrow the range of feelings – some emotions and/or needs are deemed as evil, wrong or selfish.

Simon’s feelings are not even real, according to the Fool. Simon could not possibly be affected by the Fool’s actions. He is not real and has no feelings. Instead, he is only capable of “ranting”, “manipulating” and “doing things for attention”. Any concerns brought to the Fool about how his actions are affecting Simon, are answered with “You need to remember he’s not a real person”.

3. Make the person feel that problems are always their own fault, never the leader’s or the group’s fault.

If Simon or his readers are upset, it’s their fault for looking at the blog. If anyone’s reputation is damaged as a result of claims the Fool makes about them, it’s on them. The Fool is free to make any comments he sees fit, with no consequences.

4. Promote feelings of guilt or unworthiness, such as

b. You are not living up to your potential

Being part of Simon’s group means you are allowing yourself to be manipulated and brainwashed. You can not reach your full potential unless you renounce Simon.

c. Your family is deficient

Your “found family” of gentle readers is deficient.

d. Your past is suspect

Your past experiences are not proof of anything. Bad things may have been happening in Simon’s space, and you may have been part of them.

e. Your affiliations are unwise

You are choosing to affiliate yourself with someone bad. And you are unable to tell he is lying to you.

f. Your thoughts, feelings, actions are irrelevant or selfish

If you share your thoughts, feelings or actions to defend Simon, it doesn’t prove anything, and by defending him you are harming others.

5. Instill fear, such as fear of:

b. The outside world

c. Enemies

The Fool makes sure to repeat often enough that readers might be targeted by Simon and his followers. He curates that expectation and then reinforces it by publishing Anons who agree.

8. Phobia indoctrination: inculcating irrational fears about leaving the group or questioning the leader’s authority.

Not so much fears of leaving the Fool’s group, as much as cultivating fears of leaving/going against Simon’s group. The Fool’s group is presented as a safe haven.

d. Never a legitimate reason to leave; those who leave are weak, undisciplined, unspiritual, worldly, brainwashed by family or counselor, or seduced by money, sex, or rock and roll.

Those who don’t embrace the Fool’s blog and choose to remain with Simon are weak-minded, brainwashed, unable to reason, or bad by association. There can be no legitimate reason to like Simon.

e. Threats of harm to ex-member and family.

No explicit threats are made, but seeing the treatment of Kristina Meister is implicitly threatening.

See? Of course all this is just an exercise -a thought experiment. But it’s about as well-argued as the Fool’s original analysis. (Which is to say, neither deserves to be taken seriously.)

[nathansqueak]

many years ago, i was in a coven.

i joined when i was about 12 or 13, having found them through a classmate of mine that i found wearing a pentacle necklace. for many years it was a safe haven, a community that opened my eyes and my mind and my heart and poured in song and dance and hikes through the forest. these people became my everything, and in this community we had each other’s backs. together the coven were there for each other’s divorces and marriages, births and deaths, and anything else that could possibly come up. determined to be a caring and supportive community, radical against the capitalist mold of independence.

all this to say that it was beautiful. it truly was. and then it wasn’t

i left the coven, personally, when i was 20. this was a couple years before the inevitable downfall of the rest of the coven, but even then i think it was already coming. i had been living amongst them for a little over two years at that point. i moved in to the home of a priest and priestess of the coven and their toddler child only a month and a half before my 18th birthday, though it didn’t occur to me until a long time after that my first red flag should have been that they were taking in a minor. i had left my parents home for their transphobia and the members of the coven were just trying to be helpful....but still. They took me in as a child. I suppose this is important to keep in mind

over the course of my living with the coven i would experience some of the absolute worst anxiety of my life; i felt every single pressure to conform and perform, to do what was asked of me and to hold the same opinions as everyone around me. at this point in time the lead priestess had already begun her own downward spiral, in that she was beginning to be caught up for her history of transphobia and for asking for too much money from congregates, and then that she was caught turning people against each other and actively trying to tell members of the coven to cut off family and friends outside the coven, to devote themselves ONLY to the coven, to devote themselves to HER. while it hadn’t always been this way, she had begun disencouraging people from seeking proper mental health guidance, saying that there was nothing that other coven members couldn’t help with. she began delegating labor, physically and emotionally. she began to excommunicate and isolate coven members.

when i was 19, my mother died. as they had many times before with many other coven members, the coven rallied around me and showered me in affection and comfort. given my extraordinarily complicated history with my mother, her death impacted me in a severe way, and half a year later i was still depressed and nonfunctional. it was at this time that the covens compassion for me ran thin. first i was kicked from the room they had given me, that i had been paying rent for, into a corner of the living room with the promise of putting up curtains for privacy, and then later i was given an ultimatum to either find a new home or be homeless. no one in the coven would speak to me. im still not entirely sure why, except that i was in a vulnerable place and questioned the decision to put me in the living room and take my privacy, which then blew up in my face...but soon they would literally not speak to me. coven meetings would be held in the very home i was staying and they would all enter in and refuse to look at me. i was in the living room! there was no way to enter the home without seeing me! and yet.

so a month or so after my 20th birthday, i shoved all of my things into a 5’x5’ storage unit and began couch surfing. i would later go on to be actually homeless. i am now doing great and living in a stable home with my partner and his mom, but there were many years where i was very much not okay. in my mind i think, why did they take me in? why would they take in a vulnerable queer youth, only to then throw him out on the street when he became even more vulnerable? they should not have welcomed me into their home.

when i left the coven, i lost communication with everyone. these were people who had known me since i was 12. these were people who had watched me grow from a child. and suddenly it was as though i were dead to them. it should not have come as such a surprise to me, because i was not the first person they had excommunicated, but it hurt. my best friends mother, who had in some ways been like a mother to me as well, who had been close with my own mother and who had tried her best to help me when it was clear my mother was severely unstable, was among them to just drop me. im now 25 and i have not heard from any of them, even to check in that i am still alive.

anyways. a couple years after all of this fallout, i happened to be looking at facebook’s memories feature when i came across a comment on an old post of mine from one of the coven members. i clicked to her page out of curiosity, i suppose to see how she’s been doing. i quickly found a piece she had written detailing abuses she had seen within the coven, and specifically calling out the lead priestess. i did more digging and found a statement on the coven’s official page denouncing involvement with the now previous high priestess. as though washing their hands of her. as though she had been the problem.

and she was. don’t get me wrong. but every single one of those fuckers participated.

they helped excommunicate and isolate other coven members. once when i was 17 there was a campaign against one of the lead priests, and maybe they were right that he was making some people uncomfortable, but he had never made me uncomfortable. they convinced me that he was predatory. they convinced me that he was an issue. the next time he tried to interact with me, just to say hello and ask how i was, I ignored him and found a priestess to say that he had approached me and i was uncomfortable. i was the final straw for their decision to excommunicate him. he’d been a part of the community since the beginning. i still remember feeling weird and guilty as they stood me there in front of the others and had me repeat what id said, frenetic gleams in their eyes. i was their evidence that he was untrustworthy and unsafe.

he had never made me feel unsafe.

i still feel guilt that i participated in that, even if it was practically fed to me.

as far as i am aware, the coven still does not take responsibility for their part in everything that happened. it’s much too easy to point the finger at the person in charge! last i heard, they had rebranded and renamed themselves to disassociate with that priestess, who has, herself, gone on to continue her practice through online seminars. no idea if she’s still hurting people or if she changed herself at all. i hope so.

all of this is to say that, ive been watching the situation around @simonalkenmayer unfold from a carefully kept distance, and i am so fucking disappointed in all of you. y’all participated. if you’re mad, look in a goddamn mirror. if simon is an abusive cultish creep, y’all participated until this point. what did you do while apart of that space? what are you now not taking responsibility for? even i often think of myself as a victim in regards to my time with the coven but then i have to stop and remember that im the reason that man lost his place in his community.

on top of that, half the evidence y’all are using to say that simon is shitty is coming from...questionable sources, to say the least. people who are either outright creeps themselves or who have proven themselves as holding that same frenetic energy that the coven did when it was seeking out reasons to isolate members. if you’re angry, that’s understandable. if you’re seeking comfort from shitty people, you’ve completely lost me.

what the fuck y’all.

and for the record, the coven that i had been a part of was Come As You Are (CAYA) Coven in the San Francisco Bay Area. i don’t remember what they rebranded to. I think they may call themselves Wildflowers now or something like that.

[insert-some-nice-emo-pun]

hi people, so i know everybody is tired of drama and honestly i am as well, but i wanted to just make this post in case someone has no idea whats going on with people hating on gerard and others defending him, ive seen so many misinformation going around that i just wanted to clear a few things up if youre interested

so basically a guy named scott allie has been fired from dark horse comics for sexually assaulting his coworker, shawna gore. dark horse made a statement saying they believe her, etc. (screenshot at the end of the post)

(also some allegations been going around for a few years)

now what gerard has to do with this?

he works with dark horse comics, for example with 'umbrella academy', so hes basically scott's coworker, they worked together on some comics in the past and g follows him on ig

the whole drama started on twitter (what a suprise)

i totally understand why it would be a good thing if g spoke out about the whole thing, showed his support for the victim or at least unfollowed the guy, i understand why people might feel a bit disappointed BUT

first of all, we all know g only uses ig and he doesnt spend a lot of time there, he posts like once a week/two weeks. he doesnt like a lot of others people posts and stuff, he just doesnt seem to spend a lot of time online. and he follows more than 600 people. dont tell me that youve never been scrolling through your timeline and suddenly noticed someones post and you where like 'wtf i follow them???'. he might not even realize hes following him. like ofc i think id be a good thing if g unfollowed the guy but judging a 43yo guy who barely uses social media for following him isnt quite fair. also i really doubt that the first thing he would do after finding out his coworker is a predator is unfollowing him, he probably deals with this in his own way

now some people think he should make some statement-cutting ties with scott, supporting shawna, whatever. and i agree that it would be a great thing to do BUT

he might not be allowed to talk about it due to his contract with dark horse. he might not want to draw the attention on himself and speak over the victim. he might want to write something but still finding words to say it. he might be dealing with something serious in his personal life right now. we literally have no idea about his life and once again i get why you think he should say something, but im sure he has a reason not to

please dont say they are close friends, because we dont know anything about it. yes, they worked on some comics together but scott is an editor. you cant always choose an editor youre working with, its almost always choice of someone from the above that you cant change. the only pictures of them together we have are from more than ten years ago, so it really seems they werent close. but if they were, it might be even harder for g to process. the thing is we know nothing about his relations with anybody from dark horse at all, so we really shouldnt speculate on things like if g knew about the abuse and stuff like that, because we know nothing

i know that as fans we dont have to always agree with what our idols do, we have a right to critisize them, but what we should do is at least trust gerard. guys, come on, he never did anything to let us down! think about all the things hes done over the years, its not fair to hate on him because hes staying silent this time, i seriously believe he has his reasons

he used to speak out more in the past, but he was overall more active on social media. he doesnt use twitter anymore, probably because of all the toxicity on there and honestly he always spoke out more during concerts and interviews and now the situation is completely different. maybe using social media less is good for his mental health? idk, but please dont be too quick to judge him

dark horse technically spoke out for the whole company, including all coworkers and we seriuosly dont know about anything that happens behind closed doors. making this situation about g is pointless, if someone really really close to him got accused of something like this (like, idk, gabriel ba or someone) then itd be different, but its really possible that gee and scott were only coworkers and this whole situation has nothing to do with g.

saying that hes not the same person, he became what he hated or that hes just another rich white man is really hurtfull and i cant believe you can call yourself a fan after saying something like this. i understand being disappointed, but hating is never alright, same thing with commenting on his posts and telling him to say something or just hating on him.

and also, remember what happened the last time he spoke out about something? people were saying he didnt say enough, 'open your purse', not believeing he donated. you cant ask him to speak out and then when he does say hes doing it wrong!

so yes, my opinion is basically that while i understand being disappointed, i believe its totally okay for g not to say anything because im sure he has his reasons and this situation doesnt have anything at all to do with him and its not okay to harrass him or attack people defending him

i hope there wont be any more drama here, and take care of yourself everybody!

[centerforhci]

Effective Coaching Part 2: Moving Into Action

In our previous post, we introduced what we find to be an extremely effective coaching model—W.I. N. B.I.G. It involves six steps, three to build awareness, and three to move the coachee to action. To read in detail about building awareness, including applicable examples, check out part-one of our series on the W.I.N. B.I.G. formula.

Today we are going to discuss moving a coachee into action. As a quick review, here are the six steps in this formula, starting with how to build awareness:

Build Awareness

W-onder About Root Cause

I-nvestigate Wants

N-ame Possible Solutions

Move to Action

B-uild a Plan

I-nsure Action

G-ive Affirmation

These steps help you create a dialogue that will increase your employee’s effectiveness and improve your management skills. Everyone involved wins big!

Let’s take a look at how to move an employee to action using three steps:

Move to Action – B.I.G.

After you helped someone Build Awareness, they are ready to implement a winning course of action and make a commitment to follow through with the plan. Action is the key here. You can Build Awareness all day long, but if you never Move to Action, you’ve done nothing but had nice conversations with your employee. The goal here is concrete action—doing things differently to reach higher levels of success.

B-uild a Plan – Action

People love this stage. Now you can start moving and grooving. You can finally Build a Plan that gets you to some action. An important thing to note here is that most of this decision will come from the coachee, not you. What is it going to take for them to implement the solution that they have chosen? What are the tangible steps that they will take so that things look differently in the future? Your goal in this stage is to help the employee devise a realistic plan that gets them where they want to go in a do-able manner and timeframe.

This is the stage where you get down and dirty. Vague and abstract ideas don’t work here. Remember your high-school-writing teacher who taught you the 5 W’s? Polish them off, because they get lots of use in this stage. To Build a Plan, you’ll want to ask questions like:

What are you going to do?

What steps do you have to take to get there?

When will you do that?

Who do you need to bring into the process?

What will you have to say, “no” to in order to make this happen?

As a coach, it’s OK to challenge your employees during this stage. The reason you’re coaching them is because they’re in their own way of success. Getting out of one’s own way can be a tremendous challenge that is usually approached with some degree of trepidation. For that reason, watch and listen to your coachee. Do you get the sense they are not believing in themselves enough or holding back somewhat? If so, challenge them by upping the ante of their actions.

As your employee is creating their plan, help them to make it SMART: Specific, Measurable, Achievable, Realistic and Time-specific. Find a way to make things measurable—even if they are measured by ‘yes, I did it’ or ‘no, I didn’t do it.’ The action steps also need to be achievable so the people can see the progress they are making and feel good about it. Goals and tasks often need to be chunked down to manageable pieces; otherwise the person gets overwhelmed and gives up. So if necessary, break the actions into achievable pieces so they can do a little every week and be able to report on progress. The action steps also need to be realistic given the employee’s circumstances. Having someone say they are going to increase annual sales by 80% in a week is probably a bit of a stretch. Finally, be sure to have a timeline in place.

I-nsure Action – Accountability

One of the most important things a manager can do as a coach is hold the person accountable for the actions to which they’ve committed. As the person leaves the effective coaching conversation and gets sucked back into the black-hole that is their busy life, it is natural for the insights they gained to become blurred and for their planned actions to become a bit more daunting. Left to their own devices, most people will let things slip back to the status quo and then fall back into their old routines. That’s what makes this stage of the coaching process so important. Your goal here is to Insure Action by establishing an accountability system. Having the coachee say they are going to do something is not enough. Here, you want to ask specific questions like:

How will I know?

When will you let me know how it goes?

How much time do you need before checking back in with me?

How will I know if you need a nudge?

What’s the best way for you to circle back to me?

It can be great to follow-up these questions with a conversation about what you should do if the person doesn’t follow through on their commitments. Questions like these are good ways to start off the conversation:

What should I do if you don’t get back to me?

How would you like me to follow up if I don’t hear back?

If you don’t follow through, how should I bring it up?

Some people prefer an email reminder, some want you to come and give them a hard time. The key here is to do it compassionately and matter-of-factly.

Many managers say at this point, “Why should I have to worry about them following through? If they really want to make the changes or right the problem, then they will do it. . . if they don’t, it’s their loss.” That’s understandable. And, be realistic for a second—everybody’s human. How many times have you said you were going to stop procrastinating your expense reports until the last minute, or you were going to do a better job at standing up to your boss and not backing down as quickly?

The whole point of accountability is that eventually the employee becomes accountable to herself, not you.

Follow Up to Insure Action

The ‘action’ of an effective coaching conversation does not happen during the conversation; it begins the moment the conversation ends and the coachee leaves your office to go out and do something differently than before. Depending on the situation, after a few days or weeks, be sure to check in to see how the person is doing on their commitments. Here are a few examples of questions you can use to get the ball rolling as you follow up.

How is it working?

How would you summarize the work/effort so far?

What’s working well? What are you thinking of altering?

G-ive Affirmation – Validation

The final stage of the coaching process is one that can be used anywhere during the coaching conversation, but especially at the end. This is very important step and one that most people forget to do. Take the time to Give Affirmation and acknowledge their hard work and desire to grow and change. Your purpose here is to validate the goals, efforts, and plans that the person is putting forth and to validate the strengths or qualities that you see, think, or know will make them successful as they move forward. These statements are a time for you to encourage, inspire, and motivate by saying things like:

I’ve seen progress in your goals. I want you to now take a second and point out how much progress you’ve seen in the past 3 weeks.

You know, you’re really stepping up to the plate. It takes a lot of courage to look at yourself and see how you can be more effective. It’s a sign of a real leader.

When you Give Affirmation, be prepared to follow it with a brief pause. People are not used to hearing good things about themselves, and for many people, receiving validation is actually an uncomfortable experience.

Putting it all Together to W.I.N. B.I.G.

You are now set to WIN BIG! Using this formula will not only help you succeed but more importantly, it will help you help others succeed. Once you have determined the coachability of a situation, focus on asking questions that create a dialogue that builds awareness and then move the person to action. To do that, use the W.I.N. B.I.G. model to help you wonder about root cause, investigate wants and name the possibilities. When you have narrowed down your possible solutions, build a plan, insure action and give affirmation to the employee as they go out to be more successful. Let’s share experiences. Leave a comment below, send me an email, or find me on Twitter.

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[inknose]

mdzs read diary part IV, the end

It’s inspiring how much self care wwx is gonna finally get now that his husband will go along with whatever he does, so he’s gotta look out for lwj’s well being if not his own. that is emphatically the STUFF

dragging my hands down I face as I read this, after all these chapters of getting up close and personal with ghouls bleeding from every orifice, slaying ancient beasts, rebelling against the entire cultivation world, the two of them are absolutely paralyzed by middle school crush sleepover math

chicken

he actually drew kissy doodles .... he....

IDK I THINK I JUST DOCUMENTED THIS PART CUZ I WAS STILL SCREAMING you cant expect me to have very useful things to say at this point

this is torture you are both so mushy you are so GONE

This part really stood out to me, it’s an attitude I feel like wwx implies with his inner narration a few times but most clearly says here: he’s not one for allowing himself to exaggerate how bad his circumstances are/could be even a little bit - he’s already lived through some extreme low points and found a way to keep going, so he never makes sweeping statements about what he couldn’t live without (Inner JingYi: you’re supposed to say you’d be lost without him here!!!) Instead he seems to accept as a given that being alive doesn’t guarantee him any pleasantness or joy at all, and as a result his feelings toward being in TRUE LOVE are surprisingly pragmatic, but also colored with such gratitude. There are a lot of things in the novel that struck me, like this, as being just a little to the left of familiar tropes/sentiments, and were more touching for it. Whether it be the influence of culture difference as opposed to what I’m used to reading in most western romance stories, or MXTX’s unique outlook, or a combination of both, it was really refreshing and made me pause over it. Not “I can’t imagine living without you” but “I could be living without you, but instead I get to be with you and I think that’s the best thing that could happen.”

ADJFDKFJ THE UST BEING SO STRONG THAT EVEN THE VILLAIN COMMENTS ON IT IN THE MIDDLE OF EXECUTING HIS EVIL PLANS IS ONE OF THOSE THINGS THAT WILL NEVER FAIL TO MAKE ME LAUGH MY ASS OFF. hes like god damn! here I thought I had problems

it was at this moment that I realized we were doing this Now... I’m still recovering. What a scene. I am so glad I saw the most incredible fanart soon afterwards, bc the fact that someone has already drawn a perfect comic of this part means I don’t have to

I love you so much, you are so annoying, you are perfect... I like how he’s been experiencing openly requited love for all of ten minutes but he’s already figured out how to weaponize it to piss people off

doing!!! his!!! job!!!!!

ahh... it’s a really good story. JGY is a great character. One of the most interesting differences for me between drama watching vs. novel reading experience is that without an actor to bat his vulnerable doe eyes at you and smile faintly with his cute dimples, the book does not go much out of its way to try to lull the reader into a false sense of security around him or *endear* him to you the way the show does. But just by seeing events through wei wuxian’s POV, its still enough to evoke pity or understanding towards him. The overall impression is a bit more detached though, there’s less emphasis on the spectacle of how he could manipulate everyone closest to him and more of a general feeling of resigned tragedy that everyones the worst on this bitch of an earth.

I CANNOT DEAL WITH YOU FOR EVEN ONE MORE SECOND!!!!

I clearly paused to take note of less and less parts at the end & the extras due to: a) too excited to reach the end b) too spicy to photograph and c) too sleepy cuz I kept reading in the middle of the night. but I absolutely took the time for Bro We Are Teens appreciation corner:

I’d absolutely read 40 more extra chapters of their monster-of-the-week field trip antics.

god... poor Jin Ling now basically has to deal with divorced parents that talk shit about each other to him whenever he is saying with one of them. except they are both his uncles. just a disasterhood of all uncles from start to finish. AUUUGH wei wuxian and jiang cheng have fucked me up completely, I dream of them reconciling but I also REFUSE to believe it would ever be easy. let me know if theres a fanfic that absolutely tortures you for decades before they hug

HAHAHA oh no this man ain’t making it to immortality thats for damn sure. HE’S JUST GONNA TRY AS HARD AS HE CAN HIS WHOLE LIFE NOT TO LOOK AT HIM BUT THEYRE *MARRIED* SDLKFJSF ohhhh it’s too funny, like... the mundane domestic family drama IN the fantastical swords and sorcery setting is what really ratchets up these things from amusing to fucking hilarious I think

aaaa the end... final random thoughts? No not final, I would like to please keep discussing at length and exhaustively, all the time please - CQL has gotta be one of the best TV adaptations I’ve seen. ANY adaptation of anything would be lucky to be so good!! reading the novel has just made me appreciate it even more.

- I don’t think I can do justice to what I find most fascinating about comparing the two versions briefly, to do that I need to get drunk and ramble at my friends for hours but... the condensed version is something like this. Really all the significant differences between the two versions (besides the ones which can be attributed to censorship and therefore aren’t worth discussing) are a side effect of the structure of how the story is told - there’s barely anything changed arbitrarily. Aside from having a cold opening, the drama sticks to a very linear version of the story, and I think for a TV show or film, that’s probably the best way to do it. We see everything, we get shocked and tricked and betrayed and surprised along with the characters, we feel the biggest impact at the climactic scenes having experienced all the build-up. The novel on the other hand is not only much more non-linear in WHEN we learn bits and pieces of information, but that information is also obfuscated under wei wuxian’s multiple layers of Unreliable Narratoritis, which are as follows: 1) difficulty remembering things because of personality/avoiding painful memories/actual memory loss, 2) No Homo Goggles still on, and 3) a wry sense of humor that makes the reader unsure of how much they can trust his attitude toward things, especially near the beginning. The experience of reading is a puzzle the reader has to mentally piece together through all of the above listed camouflage, and the puzzle itself is a three-sided mystery: One - How Bad of a guy was Wei WuXian really, and how exactly did all the bad stuff in his life go down; Two - wangxian epic pride & prejudice gambits; Three - political murder mystery. (I love stories like this btw... though I fully admit I’m glad I watched first this time bc it might have taken me a long time to tackle otherwise.) Because of this, where the drama wants to pull you in and submerge you in all the most potent emotional parts, the novel in direct contrast deliberately side-steps around these things and asks that you hurt yourself by filling in the blanks. In fact the more intense emotions and painful memories involved, whether it be his relationship with jiang yanli, his DEATH, the darkest days of war times etc, the more the novel evasively withholds details. I actually really like both styles of storytelling but each one is obviously way better suited to its medium. ANYWAY.... THATS BASICALLY WHERE MY BRAINS AT WHILE IM READING GAY SWORD WIZARD BOOKS

- The extras are so saturated with domestic married bliss that it’s a good thing I stopped taking pictures because I’d just take a picture of every page. this is too much for me to take... I did jump the gun a few times and read a few fanfics while I was still mid-read of the book (I tried to hold out but alas I am mortal) and at one point after finishing I was like “wow what fic was it in where lwj says something cute and wwx kisses him in public but they’re in the corner of the restaurant so no one really sees... OH NO WAIT that was actually in there.” and ... and that’s the LEAST OF IT... *stares into the distance* theyre married wow

- I ofc couldn’t help but see a few vague blogs beforehand so honestly I was braced for something like, wildly ooc for the sake of porn to happen in the extras... I definitely appreciate how the incense burner porn interludes could be uhhh a lot for many people and not my personal cup of tea in terms of smut however [here follows the words of a poisonous frog who has dwelt her whole life in the rainforests of BL] the concept is also surprisingly SWEET SDFLKJF like wwx sees lan wangji’s darkest mixed-up violent teenage fantasies and he’s just like aww babe you had a crush on me!! just... good for them

- I swear I’m not gonna rehash every cute married thing they do but wei wuxian grading papers in the tub........................rEALLY GOT ME

- I want to Draw - ok thats enough if I keep going I’ll just write “wei wuxian grading papers in the tub” seven more times probably

[girlcriedwoolf]

✍🏼 On the act of re-reading and Christopher Nolan’s Tenet (2020)

I’m a chronic re-reader. I reread the same books copious times, rewatch the same TV shows over-and-over and find solace in exhausting my own Spotify playlists until the songs become unbearable. I know I’m not alone in this practice - there are thousands of other people around the world that share my comfort of revisiting sources of previous enjoyment, but there are also thousands of people that don’t. It’s always fascinated me - how people can enjoy a book, film or TV show without any desire to experience it again, ideally as soon as possible. I’ve subsequently internalised this as a sign that these individuals live fuller, more exciting (better) lives as they’re able to consume a greater amount and a wider variety of cultural content than I ever will. My tendency to reread Twilight - for, let’s say the seventh time - instead of reading a new book that I know I’d enjoy has been something I’ve become ashamed of. Is it an immature and somewhat cowardly cop-out to revisit a source of comfort from the past rather than engaging with the present? 

At its core, Christopher Nolan’s latest cinematic masterpiece Tenet (2020) is a film about the act rewatching and re-experiencing, both structurally and conceptually. More specifically, a lot of the film rests on the idea of the protagonists travelling to - or existing in - the past, using technology sent from the future, in order to fix the present. It messes with your mind in all the best ways - don’t say I didn’t warn you. The structure of the film lends itself to comment on the nature of time: rejecting a linear, chronological structure of time and instead alluding to at least two other possible shapes that embody the abstract, meta notion of time. 

First, is the illusion to a ‘temporal pincer’ shaped structure (visually resembling an elongated horseshoe shape or alternatively, a hairpin). References to this structure of time are not limited to dialogue alone - instead, a visual reference is seen explicitly in the last part of the film during which a planning meeting for an army drill takes place and a temporal pincer shape is drawn on a whiteboard to convey the operation. In this scene, the protagonist can be heard asking which order the two groups are going to enter the site, to which the commander, Ives, replies that both groups (lines) run simultaneously to each other rather than subsequently, ultimately shattering liner constructs of measuring time. In doing so, Nolan suggests that revisiting the past (or by extension an experience in the past like a book or film) may not be a backwards step but merely a progression in time. In this way, we understand revisiting and experiencing things from the past, not as redundant acts that waste time but instead as signs of time progressing. Tenet embodies the experience of great cinema and the role of film as a medium of storytelling.

True to Nolan’s fascination with ideas of inception, (see: Inception (2010), Tenet itself could be seen to project the experience of watching a film. The audience exists on a different timeline to the film’s narrative and metaphorically ‘catch’ the bullets that are fired the first time around. In watching the film for the first, second, third or fifteenth time, you will start the experience at a different point in time meaning you are going forward but ultimately the nature of rewatching something means you know where you’re going to end up in the future. An aspect of Tenet that draws on a specific interest of Nolan’s is the transformation of scientific concepts depicted through the language of storytelling. The nature of rewatching in itself is paralleled through the scientific concept of inverted entropy, which, in the most basic reduction, is the idea that a system goes from disorder to disorder. In Tenet, the suggestion is that broad systems can go through the process of disorder to order upon the experience of rewatching.

Whilst the scientific aspects of Tenet are largely far beyond my comprehension for obvious reasons, there are other bewildering pieces of the puzzle that raise an infinite number of questions despite seeming simple on the surface. Namely, the character of Kat: devoted mother to a young son and wife of a powerful (corrupt) arms dealer (see: the bad guy). On the first watch, it’s hard to appreciate or understand the role of this character as one of the few female faces in the film. There are some scenes that make you question whether her character’s inclusion is purely veiled misogyny: the idea that men are only capable of making slightly less morally corrupt decisions if they have a beautiful wife by their side, or that a ruthless C.I.A. agent will be immediately thrown off if they so much as a glimpse at a beautiful blonde woman. Yet, after thinking more about Kat’s character I have grown less hostile and more understanding of Nolan’s vision for her as a character burdened with emotional trauma. In relation to Nolan’s toying with time, Kat represents a timeline of autonomy and agency, a dichotomy of an oppressed or empowered woman. The P.T.S.D. that Kat seems to exist with further challenges our understanding of time. Is the trauma something from the past, present or future? Can we ever tell if we have agreed to reject a linear structure for time? Kat appears to be burdened with the emotional trauma of all the characters in the film, whilst they get the privilege of making rational, emotionless decisions; Kat must consider the feelings of not just herself but those around her - like her son - at all times, in turn preparing and recovering from past and future trauma. 

An ambiguous mantra of Tenet comes from Kenneth Branagh’s character, declaring at various points that ‘we live in a twilight world’, a phrase that is initially introduced as the code name for the protagonist’s mission at the film’s opening. This statement garners more meaning at the conclusion of the film as the protagonist and Neil reflect on their wider mission with the protagonist finally becoming aware of the temporal world that Nolan creates. Our protagonist has the revelation that the moment is not the end of their time together as it would be on a linear structure but instead is the beginning of his friendship with Neil on a temporal pincer structure whereby time is not so objectively universal. Though this point does mark the end of Neil’s life, the protagonist is only at the beginning of his experience or rather, re-experience. In exploring the end of Neil’s life, who is played superbly by Robert Pattinson, the idea of twilight reemerges. As Pattinson’s connection with the idea of Twilight runs deep (the start of his career being with the Twilight franchise) it becomes an excellent metaphor for the film’s thesis. Etymologically, beyond the definition relating to the natural process of twilight, the noun holds a second definition of ‘a period or state of ambiguity, absurdity or a gradual decline’. This definition could define the film’s plot as a whole - obscure and ambiguous and seeking to stop the impending event of World War III. Moreover, the natural phenomenon of twilight occurs both at the beginning and end of the day, further rejecting a linear temporal structure. Though devastating, emotionally, for the protagonist to find out about his close friend’s imminent death, it is seemingly not the end but also the beginning of their friendship, impossible to define. In the same way, at the point of twilight, it is impossible - and meaningless - to say whether it is the beginning or end. 

I started my week feeling annoyed at myself for ‘wasting’ time revisiting books I have already read and films I can already recite every line of, but having experienced the cinematic masterpiece of Tenet, I have been forced to consider whether re-experiencing things is a monotonous extension of the past or whether, as Nolan might argue, the act of re-experiencing things is a radical way of bringing the future to the present. 

[justauthoring]

Feigning The Connection (36/?)

Prompt: You seem so invincible. But just touch you and you’ll wince. You have secrets and trust no one. You’re the perfect example of betrayal. Because anyone you’ve ever trusted broke you. Thrust into a new world, will you be able to stay alone, or will Bellamy work his way in?

SEASON ONE,TWO, THREE, FIVE AND SIX

A/N: I know I said I wasn’t going to post this until the second episode came out, but I thought, why not? So, here you go!

I hope you all enjoy this chapter as much as I enjoyed writing it. Send me a little comment in the ask section or leave it below on what you thought of this chapter. It doesn’t have to be long, I appreciate every single comment I receive and telling me just helps inspire me to write it more frequently.

AGAIN, remember if you’d like me to continue this series, just leave a little comment or an ask letting me know. I will NOT continue the series if no one wants me to.

Pairing: Bellamy x Reader

Based off of: The 100 06x01 

Warnings: spoilers.

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-

“Can you see it? Is it beautiful? It is in my dreams. I hope we do better there. I hope your lives there will be as happy as mine has been. Be the good guys. May we meet again.” 

You blink at the tears that well in your eyes, swallowing thickly. Your lips part with the rest, whispering the words: “may we meet again.” You can barely focus on the planet that awaits all of you, the realization that Monty and Harper, two friends you’ve known since the beginning, were dead. And have been dead for a long time.

“I know this is a lot to process.” Blinking, you turn your gaze to Bellamy whose stood behind you, briefly meeting his gaze before turning back to the front, letting your eyes wander across the new planet Monty found for you all. You can’t seem to bask in any excitement, your heart heavy. “Take an hour and meet in the mess. We need to game this out.”

“Guys,” you ignore the tightening of your chest at the sound of Clarke’s voice. Your expression shifts from somber to barely concealed anger, licking your lips slowly. “We survived. Monty made sure of it.”

“Now we get our humanity back,” Abby whispers.

“Some of us never lost it.” Raven spits without hesitation, spinning and walking off, her steps heavy and angry as she shoves her way past Abby, grabbing her bag along the way and storming out of the room. You watch her with a frown, deciding not to follow after her the moment you see Shaw move to do so.  

Silence echoes across the rest of you. As everyone slowly disperses, moving on to do their own thing, you find yourself rooted in your spot, just staring, lost in your own thoughts. When you’d gone into cryo, you’d expected to wake up to a renewed and habitable earth. You expected everyone to wake up with you as well. Instead, two of your own were dead and it was a hundred years into the future from when you’d gone to sleep.

You weren’t going back to earth. Earth was gone. You were going to a new planet, unknown if it was safe for you all or not and if something down there would kill you all. It felt all too similar to when you’d first been sent down to earth.

“You okay?”

Raising your chin, you tilt your head to the right, meeting Bellamy’s eyes who come to a stop next to you. He smiles at you, although weak and heavy, meeting your gaze with concern ridden in the irises of his eyes. With a small, somber smile yourself, you nod, although you feel anything but okay. “I will be,” you answer, voice soft. “Like you said, it’s a lot to process.”

Bellamy nods, his gaze moving towards what was meant to be your new home; planet Alpha.

Then, you can’t help but ask; “what if we’d done it?”

And Bellamy blinks, his brows furrowing in concern at your question. You meet his eyes once more, turning towards him to elaborate. “I know we couldn’t have,” you begin to explain yourself, “but what if we had stayed behind? It must’ve been lonely, but they had each other. They didn’t have to fight, they didn’t have to wonder what would come next, it was just them. Do you think we’ll ever get that?”

Realization dawns on Bellamy, and his hand raises, falling on your cheek to cup it gently. You lean into his touch, frowning.

“One day.” Bellamy nods, “one day it’ll all just stop and you won’t be able to get rid of me.”

And for the first time since you woke up, a smile curves on your lips. A genuine one. You roll your eyes at Bellamy’s tease, slapping his hand away lightly, “I already can’t.” And Bellamy mocks hurt, but you can tell in his expression, just like he can definitely tell in yours, that you’re just joking.

“But,” you add after a moment, “I would like that.”

“Yeah,” Bellamy nods, “me too.”

-

“Hey, you see Raven or Shaw?”

“You know, the people you handed over to our enemy to be tortured.”

You dip your head at Emori’s comment, biting your lip. It’s not that you necessarily disagreed with Emori’s statement, it just things were already tense enough.  

“Now, for Clarke,” you sigh when you hear Murphy’s voice, picking up your head from Bellamy’s side and raising a brow at him. “We call that a Tuesday.”

“Easy,” Echo sighs, “she did the right thing in the end.”

At that, you flicker your gaze over to Clarke, watching as her lips curve downwards into a frown, swallowing thickly. But she doesn’t argue against the jibes sent her way, she simply just shakes her head, taking a step forward. “No,” she mumbles, “I haven’t seen them.”

“I’m not saying I disagree,” you speak up, watching Clarke move towards her mother out of the corner of your eye. “But just... lay low a little on the hits. I think you’ve made it perfectly clear how mad you are at her.”

Murphy rolls his eyes, taking a sip of his algae before turning to you. “Why aren’t you more mad?” He questions, quirking a brow, before gesturing to Bellamy. “I mean, she let Bellamy be sent into the pit, didn’t she? She left Raven and Shaw to be tortured. And that’s just the half of it.”

Meeting Bellamy’s eyes, you sigh.

“See, you are mad,” Murphy continues, the edges of his lips curving into a smirk. 

“Yeah, but--”

“Will first-culture algae do?” You’re interrupted by Jordan, your head turning over your shoulder, watching as he walks over to both Clarke and his mother with a tray of stuff in his hands. Setting the tray down on the table, Jordan smiles over at the two. “My dad wanted me to give this to you.”

Lips parted, Clarke realizes; “the stuff Bellamy used on Octavia.”

Frowning, you gaze at the back of Bellamy’s head, setting your hand on his shoulder. 

“Exactly,” Jordan nods, “the first generation induces coma. He was hoping you could use it to save Kane.” Your eyes widen at Jordan’s words, hope flooding you at just the simple statement. Your eyes stay glued to the bottle of first-culture algae, watching as Abby grabs it from Jordan in disbelief.

“That can really work?” You speak up, causing Jordan’s eyes to fall on you. “It can help my dad?”

Nodding, Jordan smiles; “that’s what my dad thought.”

“Thank you,” Abby whispers, glancing up at Jordan with great appreciation in her gaze. You can’t help but mimic it, a smile falling on your lips as Jordan beams down at her brightly. “Take Jackson to the ground,” Abby continues, standing up. “I’ll wake up Niylah to assist me.”

Just as Abby begins to walk out, Raven and Shaw walk in, hand-in-hand. “What did we miss?”

“Nothing,” Bellamy assures, moving to stand up. “It’s about time. Take a seat.” Raven and Shaw follow, you shuffling over to Echo to make room for the two, before turning back to Bellamy. “Okay, everyone. Listen up. Here’s what we know. Eligius III was a colonizing mission. According to the file, the mother-ship went to five planets that met necessary conditions for life, dropping mission teams on each one.

“Monty picked planet Alpha for us because it’s the closest and probably the most like earth.”

“Was there a ‘probably’?” Murphy questions, brows furrowing in doubt.

“We have to assume they couldn’t know for sure,” Shaw begins, turning over to Murphy. “Until they got here. We can scan the atmosphere from the bridge.”

“Actually,” Jordan speaks up, raising his hand nervously. “We can’t. None of the equipment we used to monitor earth is working. I’m guessing it’s interference from the ionosphere.”

Bellamy nods; “bottom line is, we won’t know if it’s survivable until we get down there.”

“Sounds familiar.”

“What about radio signals?” Raven offers, “anything from the ground that says the mission team survived.”

“No radio signals.”

“Likely also the ionosphere,” Jordan sighs. “There is an ultra-high frequency on radar, faint but--”

“A rescue beacon,” Shaw interrupts Jordan, raising his head. “We used them on Eligius IV to--”

“Great,” Emori cuts off in return, shrugging her shoulders. “If there’s a beacon, that means someone’s down there, right?”

“Not necessarily,” Shaw disputes. “They’re solar, so--”

“They can last forever.”

Biting your lip, you sit forward; “how long ago did Eligius III get here?”

“Hard to tell,” Jordan shrugs, meeting your eyes. “Since they never radioed back, but best estimate-- two hundred years, give or take.”

“That’s a long time to wait for a rescue.”

Silence echoes, uncertainty bouncing around the room. Then, Echo shrugs; “I trust Monty,” she offers, and just like that, the decision is made.

“Great,” Bellamy nods, “then it’s settled. We land at a distance, give us time to acclimate. We’ll wait for them to come to us.” 

Nodding, you inhale deeply. Sounded good enough for you.

“Let’s talk about guns,” Clarke begins, turning to Bellamy. “If we have them, we’ll use them.”

“We’re taking guns,” Bellamy dismisses, shifting on his feet with a sigh. “We’re also taking nonlethals,” he adds when Clarke moves to argue with him. “Now, Eligius IV had gas grenades and shock batons to control criminals. We won’t shoot first this time.”

“In that case,” Raven begins, her narrowed eyes falling on Clarke. “Clarke should stay here.”

“Raven,” Bellamy sighs, and you bite your lip for what’s to come, swallowing thickly. “You’re the one that’s staying here.”

“What?” Raven asks in disbelief, shaking her head. “Like hell I am.”

“Look,” Bellamy begins, trying to explain himself. “We can’t take both our pilots, and since we’ll be flying blind until we’re below the ionosphere, it has to be Shaw. That’s not all. Jordan, you’re staying, too.”

“Me?” Jordan questions, standing straighter. “Why?”

“I know it’s hard,” Clarke begins, pulling the boys eyes on her. “But your parents asked us to keep you safe. We have no idea what’s waiting for us down there.”

“Which is why we should take our best fighters.”

Shaking his head at Echo’s comment, Bellamy explains without hesitance. “My sister is the last person I trust not to shoot first, so she stays on ice with everyone else until we know what we’re dealing with.”

“And if it’s too late by then?”

“Fine,” Bellamy sighs, “i’ll wake up Miller. Good. Say your goodbyes, head to the transport ship.”

“Well, I call shotgun.”

Rolling your eyes at Murphy’s comment, you stand up. “What if I wanted shotgun?”

“Too late!”

-

“I’ll bring him back.”

Swallowing thickly, you nod at Abby’s words, keeping your distance. You don’t trust her, not after what she did to Raven, but you also know she’s the only one capable of saving your father right now. So, you really had no choice.

“Tell him I love him,” you whisper, swallowing thickly as you turn towards the pod. “Please.”

Without hesitation, Abby nods. “I will.”

“All right,” Bellamy speaks up, “let’s load up.”

Turning towards him, you fall by Bellamy’s side just as Clarke calls out; “right behind you.”

Bellamy nods at her, before turning to her. With a small smile, you take his hand in your own, leading him into the ship. And just before you make your way completely, you squeeze Bellamy’s hand, nodding up at him.

“Let’s do this.”

-

“Please be breathable. Please be breathable. Please be breathable.”

You let out a small chuckle at Jackson’s words, biting your lip as you follow after Bellamy, taking a small step forward. You let your eyes wander across the small bit of planet Alpha before you, reminiscent of when you’d first landed on earth with some of the same people.

It was beautiful, and unlike anything you’d ever seen.

“Breathable air,” Jackson concludes after a moment of silence. “Check.”

“Radiation levels good, too,” Emori confirms. “Eligius III didn’t need to send nightbloods, after all.”

You smile at Emori’s words, meeting her eyes with excitement.

“How about that beacon, Shaw?”

“Eight clicks due east,” Shaw answers, turning his head to the left. “I think it’s on high ground. There’s a water source about halfway.”

Turning your head up, you meet Bellamy’s eyes, smiling. “You should go first this time.”

“No,” he smiles softly back down at you, shaking his head. “We go together, all of us.”

He takes the first step, the rest following.

“Anyone got anything better than ‘we’re back, bitches’?” Miller questions, causing you to let out a small laugh.

“Monty would know what to say,” Murphy mumbles, “he should be here.”

Nodding his head, Bellamy smiles at Murphy; “he is.”

“He already said it,” Clarke reminds, pulling your focus on her. “‘Do better there’. Let’s do better here.”

“That’s easy to say,” Shaw reminds, raising a brow over at Clarke. “But talk is cheap.”

With that, he joins the rest, walking off. You glance over at Bellamy and Clarke one more time, before following. 

-

“We camp here.”

The smile on your face radiates, absolute mesmerized by the sight before you.

It’s beautiful, unlike anything you’ve ever seen. You remembered your excitement when you’d first landed on earth, when you got to see water for the first time. You thought that was the best it could get, yet here you were, looking at a whole new body of water on a completely different planet, and you were just as amazed and mesmerized as the first time.

“Looks like the suns are eclipsing.”

Blinking back at Clarke, you follow her line of sight, gaze landing on the sun. Sure enough, she’s right.

After a moment of silence, you hear Murphy mumble something under his breath, walking past you. You blink, watching as he moves towards the water and your eyes widen in concern. “Murphy-- Murphy, wait,” you call, moving to follow after him in concern.

“We haven’t tested it,” Jackson reminds.

“Yeah,” Murphy simply says.

“Your wounds haven’t healed yet!”

“Yeah, yeah, yeah.”

There’s clearly no stopping Murphy as he takes his shirt off, inching closer and closer towards the water. Then without hesitation nor an ounce of fear, he dives straight in, submerging under water. There’s a few moments of pure fear when he doesn’t re-submerge, and you feel your heart begin to pound in panic, fearing the worst.

“John?”

“Somethings’ wrong.”

You move to take your bag off, swinging one off of your shoulder, before Murphy, in typical Murphy style, re-submerges with a chuckle. “Whoo!” He cheers, causing your shoulders to fall with relief. “Come on in,” he exclaims, stepping towards the lot of you. “The water’s fine.”

“Oh,” Emori sighs, chuckling softly. “Who knew cockroaches could swim?”

“What?” John shrugs, inching closer to Emori. “Want me to teach you?”

Her face falls with realization. “No,” she shakes her head, moving to back up. “John, no.”

“Oh,” Murphy laughs, grabbing her hand and pulling her with him. “You’re coming with me.”

“I’m serious, John! Let me go. John!” Taking her by the waist, Murphy ignores Emori’s pleas, pulling her under water with him. The last thing you hear is a shrill squeal of surprise as you watch on with a grin, letting out a laugh.

Your attention, however, is pulled away when you feel Bellamy slip his hand into your own. You blink over at him, lips parting when he moves to pull off your other bag before moving to unzip your jacket. Murphy and Emori’s chattering and whooping echoes in the background as Bellamy starts to lead you towards the water himself.

“Bellamy,” you laugh, in disbelief. This was so unlike Bellamy, to be so care free, that you can barely restrain his pull cause you’re in so much disbelief. “Wait, Bellamy,” you laugh. “Hold up!”

“Come on!”

“Oh look,” you hear Murphy suddenly call, pulling your eyes on him as you feel your feet dip into the water, a small gasp of surprise leaving your lips at the cold temperature. “It’s Mr. and Mrs. Serious, come to join the fun?”

Rolling your eyes at Murphy’s comment, you turn towards Bellamy. You don’t like the mischievous grin on his face. “Bellamy,” you say slowly, shuffling backwards as best you can with your feet tracking through water. But, much like Murphy had done with Emori, Bellamy wraps his arms around your waist, pulling you under water with him.

You feel his arms leave yours as you both jump back out, wiping back your hair with a laugh.

“Bellamy!”

-

Running your hand through Bellamy’s hair, you let out a sigh.

“Miller helped keep your sister alive,” you whisper, interrupting the silence that had existed between the two of you. Shuffling slightly, you meet his eyes as he peers up at you. “Someday, you’ll thank him for that.”

“Will I?” Bellamy questions, quirking a brow.

“You will,” you nod, no doubt in your mind. “Because this is a chance to start over, and in order to do that, you have to forgive.” Smiling softly down at Bellamy, you press a kiss to his forehead. “Including your sister.”

Bellamy turns away from you at that, a deep frown marring his features as he lets out a sigh. “I can’t.’

You watch as a look passes into Bellamy’s eyes, frowning at the inner conflict within him. A moment of silence echoes, and just as you move to speak, Clarke’s voice interrupts you.

“Raven will get the radio working.”

She’s only met with silence, Shaw regarding her with a narrowed look that causes her to inhale deeply. “I’m sorry I turned you in, Shaw,” Clarke whispers, her voice sincere. 

“You really want to do this now?”

“Maybe,” Murphy speaks up, clearly annoyed. “You two should speak in private.”

“No,” Clarke argues without hesitation, “I want you all to hear this.” Shifting from beside Bellamy, you inhaling deeply, mentally preparing yourself for what’s to come.

“Great,” Murphy mumbles.

“If I could, I’d go back and do things differently,” Clarke begins, her eyes gazing across all of you. You frown when you meet her gaze, even for just a second, steadily. “But I cant. None of us can. For some reason, Monty thought we deserved a second chance.”

“Not for nothing,” Murphy reminds, his voice still cold towards her. “But this is, like, your fifth chance.”

Without hesitation, Clarke speaks up; “yours, too, Murphy.”

Biting your lip, you lower your gaze.

“Very good,” Murphy says after a moment, moving to stand up. “I got watch.” He walks off without another word.

“You’re right,” Shaw finally concludes, “your friend Monty gave you a second chance, but now what? Salvation comes from faith and good works, what you do, not what you say. You haven’t done anything yet.”

You watch as Clarke’s eyes narrow, her lips curved downwards into a deep frown. You’re angry at her, you are, but you can’t help but feel a little bit of pity for her. It can’t be easy knowing that everyone’s not only mad at you, but blames you for everything.

“Hey,” Bellamy suddenly speaks, sitting up from your grasp. “Listen. You hear that?”

Everyone falls silent, and you meet Bellamy’s eyes as he turns to you. Your own widen. “What happened to all the bugs?”

“Guys,” Jackson bellows, causing you to move to stand to your feet. “You guys got to see this.”

Rushing over to Jackson, your eyes widen at the jar in his hand. A jar that holds a bug, one that is desperately trying to crawl it’s out. “Five minutes ago, this thing ate a leaf out of my hand,” Jackson explains, causing your lips to part in disbelief. “Now, it wants to eat me. Now only that, it’s entire physiology has changed from--”

You jump as Murphy lets out a hiss, slapping the back of his neck. “Oh, look at that,” Murphy comments, turning back to Jackson’s bug. “Your pet’s pissed I killed it’s brother.”

Suddenly, a faint buzzing sound echoes.

“What the hell is that?”

Raising your head, your eyes widen. “Swarm.”

“It’s coming from the direction of the ship,” Echo realizes, “we’ll never make it back.”

“Everyone cover up! We’re heading to the beacon now.”

Following after Bellamy, you grab your bag from beside him, ducking into yourself to avoid the swarm of bugs attacking all of you.

“What if there’s nothing there?”

“Then we’re bug food.”

“All right,” Bellamy nods, “let’s move.”

Hissing, you let out a small groan at the multiple nips being taken to your face. You desperately pull your scarf around your face, covering your face to the best of your ability as you pick up the speed in your step.

“Cover your faces!”

Along the way, you hear the faint sound of Emori screaming out for Murphy. It seems Murphy notices it the same time you do, halting from beside you as he turns around, calling out for her in return. The two of you catch everyone else’s attention as Murphy moves to find Emori, Bellamy steps in front of him before he can, halting him. 

“Take the flare!”

You listen, taking the flare in your hand and flipping it on. As you raise it above your head, the swarm disperses.

“It worked!” Bellamy bellows over the chaos, “they hate the fire.”

“Everyone,” you scream, “light your flares!”

“Emori!” John calls, running forward. You follow him, helping him.

“Over here!” Emori’s voice echoes, “John, be careful. Run!”

Once he has her, you regroup with the rest. “Stay together,” Echo orders, “flares at three corners.”

You listen, moving to the left corner as Murphy goes to right with his own flare. You feel Bellamy’s hand fall on your lower back as he guides you forward, you ducking in response, keeping your hand held high.

You continue to run for a while, before Shaw calls; “here, it’s here!” Your split second of hope is lost the minute Shaw is hit by some sort of shield of electrocution. The rest of you halt to a stop, watching as Shaw falls to the ground, shaking in response to the electric shock. As your gaze rises, you realize it’s some sort of radiation barrier.

Just then, your flare dies out and you’re quick to reach into your pack, grabbing another one and lighting it without hesitation.

“Shaw, get out of there!”

“It’s killing him, get him out!”

“It’s radiation,” you hear Clarke mumble to herself from beside you. “It won’t affect me.” Your eyes widen when she runs forward, lips parting.

“Clarke, no! Get back!”

It doesn’t effect her, just like she had said. She’s able to reach Shaw, pulling him past the barrier, effectively stopping the electrocution. “Hang on, Shaw!” She cries, “I got you.”

Your attention is pulled away the minute Murphy’s flare dies. “Stay back, guys. I’ve got three more flares.”

“Clarke!” Bellamy calls, “we’re running out of time here.”

You let out a huff when your last flare dies out, Murphy having no more either. You feel Bellamy grab you as the swarm begins to quite literally swarm around you. Your hands wave rapidly, desperately trying to swat the bugs away, hisses pouring from your lips. 

“Hurry!”

“Clarke, come on!”

“It’s down!” She bellows, catching your attention. “Come on!”

“Come on! Let’s go! Go, go, go!”

Without hesitation, you heed to Bellamy’s words, following along with the rest as you run past the barrier. The second you’re all in, Clarke moves to turn back on the barrier, instantly stopping the flies from entering any further, zapping a slue of them.

All falls silent as your gaze falls on Shaw, shaking from his laid position continuously gasping. As you take a step forward, Jackson runs past you, kneeling down next to him. Clarke remains crouched by his head, hands on his shoulders with wide eyes and parted lips of disbelief.

With great difficulty, Shaw forces the words; “earn this.”

As Jackson moves to inject Shaw with something, to help with the pain, Shaw halts him, grabbing him by the arm. “No, no,” he gasps, voice cracking. “Don’t waste it.”

You feel your eyes water, lips left parted in disbelief.

“Tell Raven she deserves happiness,” Shaw gasps. “She doesn’t think she does. But... she does.”

-

“Hey...”

Turning to Emori at her call, your eyes fall on the same thing she’s noticed. ALIE.

Shaking her head, Clarke’s brows furrow in confusion. “I--” Then, her face calms, and realization dawns on her. “Becca did the tech for Eligius,” she explains, your eyes widen in realization yourself.

“Right,” Bellamy nods. “Destroy the world, two hundred years later, they put you on a flag. See? Hope for us yet.”

Turning to follow after Bellamy, you let out a sigh before a loud bang catches your attention. Of course, your eyes fall on Murphy. “Hello?” He calls, “invaders from earth. Can we come in?”

“John,” Emori hisses, stepping forward. “Keep it down.”

“I don’t know why we’re knocking,” Murphy huffs, stepping away from the door to regroup with the rest of you. “Gone door to door, and no one’s here.”

Shaking your head, you frown. “We don’t know that yet.”

“These are people’s homes,” Bellamy reminds Murphy. “We’re not breaking in like thieves.”

“Bellamy’s right,” Clarke nods, “if we want to do better here, we can’t be just--”

Murphy doesn’t listen, as expected. In the midst of Clarke’s words, he raises his foot, kicking down the doors to one of the many homes. You let out a sigh as he does, shoulders falling with a shake of your head. You hadn’t really been expecting different, but, still. “Well, look at that,” Murphy grins. “This one’s unlocked.”

-

“And now you are free!”

“Oh my God...” You mumble, staring up at Murphy in disbelief.

“That was the river! This is the sea.”

Turning to Echo, you shake your head. “Hearing Murphy is not something I ever wanted.”

Echo laughs at your comment, crossing her arms over her chest as she turns her head back up to Murphy.

“Raven, come in.” Blinking, you turned your head towards Bellamy whose sat on the swing next to you, eyes flickering to the radio in his hand. “You read me?” The only thing Bellamy receives in response is static.

“So,” you say after a moment, meeting Bellamy’s gaze. “Any guesses where all the people went? This place is too well-maintained to be abandoned.”

“Maybe,” Bellamy sighs. “But if they are gone, then there’s enough room here for everybody on the ship.” Meeting your eyes, your lips part at his next words. “We could finally settle down... like we talked about.

Biting your lip, you nod, lowering your gaze. “Yeah, that’s true.”

-

“Y/N, Echo, come here.”

Turning to Bellamy, you listen to him, pushing yourself up to your feet as you fall next to Echo, stepping towards Bellamy. Once you’re there, Bellamy turns to Clarke and you notice the book in his hands, brows furrowing. “Clarke,” he begins, “did you read this?”

Shaking her head, Clarke shrugs; “no.”

“Okay,” Bellamy mumbles, opening the book up. You watch on with bewilderment, frowning as you cross your arms over your chest. “‘Trees and plants give us shade. We need them every day’.” Flipping the page, he continues, moving the book over to Clarke. “‘When the stars align and the forest wakes, it’s time to run away’.”

You pause, unsure.

Clarke continues to flip through the pages, shaking her head; “it’s not a nursery rhyme,” she deciphers. “It’s a warning.”

“No! No!”

Blinking, your attention is pulled to Murphy, watching as he jumps up to his feet, face contorting in anger. When you turn to glance in the direction he’s looking, your eyes widen at the sight of your ship flying away, without you.

“They’re stealing-- They’re stealing our ship!”

However, you can’t dwell on it for too long before you hear a scream come from Emori. Whipping your head around, nothing can explain the sight you see. Emori races towards Murphy, swiping at him with the knife in her hand. Your lips part in disbelief when she manages to get him, stabbing Murphy directly in the shoulder. “I won’t let you kill me!”

“Stop, Emori! What are you doing!”

“Emori, no!”

“You’re gonna kill him!”

Instantly, you and everyone else is running forwards. You fall to your knees in front of Murphy, taking him into your arms as you pull him into your lap. Murphy lets out a cry in response, curling into you, and your eyes flicker from the bleeding wound on his shoulder to Bellamy who stares back at you with just as much confusion and disbelief.

“Emori,” Echo screams, “calm down!”

“He’ll do it to you too,” Emori screeches, fighting at the arms that hold her back. “He’ll do it to you, too! Aagh! No!”

“Emori--”

“Aah! Aaah!”

“It’s okay,” you mumble down to Murphy, your voice soft compared to the chaos that rages on. Biting your lip, you meet Jackson’s eyes briefly whose applying pressure to Murphy’s wound as he continues to huddle into you, before raising your head, finding Clarke’s gaze.

“It’s in the air.”

-

Part 37?

Let me know what you thought!

[judgement-free-sideblog]

The enemy of love is the truth

Pairing: Tom Hiddleston x reader

Summary: They were happy just as friends, but one morning the call from an old trauma may change everything.

Warnings: Alcohol consumption, history of drug use, mental health issues, cursing, angst.

This one is extremely long but I love the final result, the next chapter will be the end, thank for reading, comments are more than welcome.

■Part I  ■ Part II ■Part III ■ Part IV ■ Part V ■ Part VI■ Part VII ■ Part VIII | Final ■

Part V

"And you didn't kiss, again?" Zawe said, she took a sip from her wine glass and take her hand to her forehead with exasperation. "This has been going on forever now, I'm done, Caroline you take care now"

"Don't look at me, I basically push them together what else can I do? Lock them inside my office? Trust me I have thought about it." The other woman said.

"Excuse me, I'm still here and I can hear you" Y/N said questioning why did she agree to have lunch with them in the first place, however she had chose to only tell them about the invitation to an ex's wedding and the late tea at Tom's flat and not a single thing else "And what does again is supposed to mean?"

"New year two years ago" Caroline started "I was dating that gorgeous Greek guy with the most beautiful abs I have ever seen, and everyone kissed at midnight, and what did you do? You leave the dance floor to go vomit in my bathroom"

"Oysters and champagne don't mix" Y/N said getting red remembering the night "And Stavros was only kind of hot" she add making Caroline sigh with pretend indignation.

"What about january last year?" Zawe continued "Bobby was sick and he was on call for his last movie, and you take a week off to stay at his place to help him out"

"First of all I love that dog, and I did that for him more than for Tom, and second I didn't stayed at his place" She answered knowing pretty well she was lying "I only get there super early and went out late at night, but I would have done that for you guys too"

They continued laughing and talking about nothing in particular, with the subject coming up time to time, they meant well and Y/N knew it, even if they didn't knew the whole story.

"Being honest he is as guilty as you are" Caroline said signaling the waiter to get the check. "Last year on November you were at that gynecology symposium on Madrid, and he acted like he was losing his mind until he got in to a plane to met you there, and what brilliant excuse did he give you? He said he needed a flu shot and don't trust his doctor here, also all those times he had crashed at your apartment are total bullshit I was with him the other night and he didn't have a single drop, and I'm getting tired of helping him pretend he does"

"Oh please stop it already" they were walking towards Zawe's car and she was as amused to find the truth about that obvious lie as she was exasperated by her friends "You are right ok? at least on my side. I have been childish about all of this. But if I'm honest I don't know what could I do? In the end I'm still a general practitioner from a tiny hospital and he is Tom Hiddleston"

"Well darling, he could be the sound engineer of the theater or the Prime Minister himself" Said Zawe once they were inside the car "He still is crazy about you. What you have to do is take the leap, talk about it like adults, go to the bloody wedding and enjoy yourself without thinking of anyone else"

"And for once don't run away like a scared chicken when things get personal" Caroline said happy that she finally was able to acknowledge her feelings.

"Sure... why not? By the way I been meaning to tell you something..."

The conversation fade away in other topics, a few more relevant than others, but Y/N mind was far away in the past thinking of the last time she risked all for him and how tremendously wrong it all have turn out.

They had agree he will pick her up at her place, after the most demanding shift she ever had, she took a quick shower and put on a flowy dress, and her coat, and in an effort to look more decent a pair of earrings.

She was trying desperately to make her makeup work when an alarm went off in her phone, a reminder to make a call and before she could think it trough she was already listening the dial tone, praying for him to don't pick up.

"Hi there" his voice finally said when she was about to hang up "so glad to hear you. It's everything alright?"

"Completely, how about you? Did you change your job as you wanted?" She said, now trapped in the conversation.

"I did, and them I changed it again, that's why you should call people more than once a year, otherwise you never know the full story. What's new with you?"

"I start working part time at a theater, as a personal doctor for the manager" she said getting close to what she wanted to say to him.

"Oh that's great, have you met someone interesting there? Are you dating some gorgeous Shakespearean actor... actress??" He still knew her well enough to make things easy for her to talk about.

"I do, in fact I have a date... soon, it's that ok?" She said the last a bit doubtful, she didn't want to hurt him again.

"That's amazing Y/N" David said sincerely "And relax, is not me who you should be worried about, I want you to be happy, just don't go sabotaging things like you use to. I love you girl, but if I'm honest I think you chose to be miserable even when other people try their best to make you happy"

They talked for another couple minutes and when she finally said goodbye his words kept resonating in her mind, but he was wrong, it was not sabotaging, it was self preservation, like this stupid idea of a date. She was quite sure he was trying to make her feel less ashamed for her drunken advances on him, a nice dinner, some talking so she could go on with her life thinking "It simply didn't work, but he is such a nice man"

And she hated herself for ending up in such pathetic position, thinking of how much fun tom must have had watching her making a fool of herself. She was determined then to call off the date, make a graceful scape before she could embarrassing herself but before she could called him there was a ring at her door.

He was gorgeous of course, his beard as well maintained as always and his hair combed to de back of his head in beautiful waves that she wanted to touch since the first time she saw him. He was wearing a coat over a simple dark grey shirt and jeans.

He smiled fondly at her when he saw her, there were dark circles under her eyes and he thought they looked beautiful, something refreshing about a woman who worked that hard on something that she loved.

Y/N intrigued him, she seemed to live like a mature functioning adult, but there was a childish sparkle in her eyes when she started to talk that made him want to know more about her, but then that ever present hint of sadness always refraining her to talk to much, all of which made her the most interesting puzzle.

"Something in mind you would like to eat?" He asked once they were inside his car, with his tinted windows up, he liked driving alone, but he liked his privacy more and they have proven to be an effective solution.

"Not really, anywhere you pick will be fine" she said smiling and he drove to a nice restaurant, making small talk about work, their mutual friends and the weather.

Once they arrived the valet took his keys and gave her what he thought was a meaningful almost impertinent smile.

"I really need to apologize for my behavior" She started once their food was ordered and the waiter had served them two big glasses of wine "It was inappropriate for me to act like that. I am deeply sorry"

"Don't be, we were all a little drunk. But it was nice talking to you" they ate in silence, other than, what she felt, empty mutual compliments on each others carreras. Proving what she had fear since the night before. Until he finally spoke again "I've been meaning to ask you, did you enjoy the play?"

"Absolutely, Mister Cox and Miss Ashton are outstanding, and you obviously it's an incredible play, all things considered" she said taken aback by the question and cursing herself for the last part.

"What things considered?" He asked now genuinely intrigued.

"Oh I'm sorry, I misspoke, it's something stupid actually" she said nervously trying to avoid his gaze and failing.

"Come on, I'm a big boy, I can take some criticism" he lean back on his chair and open his arms, as if he waited for a punch, his eyes still fix on Y/N.

"Ok, but do notice this is coming from Y/N the feminist doctor who spend her free time protesting and not Y/N the fan of theater and literature." She said finally looking back at him decided "I think somehow it demonizes Emma's betrayal and eventual "punishment" while it glorifies the male ego of the two men. And also Robert Down is a prick"

He opened his mouth slightly surprised and then closed his lips in a thin line and let go a chuckle, with a mild blush crossing his face.

"Auch" He said finally, "Well it's and old play... and he amm of course is not a good person, I guess if you are not familiarized with Pinter's work you may have that kind of conclusion"

He had trouble finding his words to debate her, although he was impressed with her honesty, but since it was a sensible matter he wanted to be clear, however Y/N interpreted as him trying to dismiss her statement and change the subject, which put her one step closer to anger.

"You really are that nice aren't you?" She started, with her voice cold and sharp "And I don't mean it as a compliment, but you are right. I don't know Harold Pinter's work but I do know he is factually wrong, there's no deep intricate meaning behind betrayal, in the end is quite simple, people can't make the choice of remaining truthful either to themselves or the people who they love without being bitches about it. You like to shag around no strings attached fine do that don't complain is it doesn't feel like a home, you want a successful marriage fine forget about any other bloody temptation and be decent. But I guess in the end lies are what keeps people together. Once the truth is out, love dies and so the relationship" he was astonished, however the passion in her voice made him answered to her in a similar tone, changing completely the direction he had imagine for the evening.

"Don't be absurd, that would imply people need to systematically lie in order to keep their relationships, if anything the play is a critique on those precise actions, while normal people try to have loving relationships in honesty, even when sometimes is easier to say a lie. And there's a complete difference between lying to save your arse and conceal your dishonesty, and lying to be socially functional"

"So you never lie?" She asked now completely furious of what she felt was hypocrisy.

"Everybody lies, that's the point, there is a difference in being oblivious on other people's feelings imposing your wrong personal opinions and pretend that's some moral high honesty, and being polite enough to avoid subjects that may hurt others" He said now crossing her arms, pleased with her momentary silence until she start to look for something in her purse trying to hide the hurt in her face.

"Exactly" She said finally putting a couple £50 notes on the table and looking at him with anger in her eyes "Like asking stupid women out so they don't feel like total idiots for hitting on you while they were drunk? That kind of politeness?"

"What?" He said flabbergasted finally rising his voice "That's why you think I asked you out?"

"Oh don't patronize me!" She said also rising her voice and standing up "It must've been so funny, asking a girl who is obsessed with you on a date, what amazingly beautiful act of chivalry. You know what you are? You are an entitled selfish bastard, who gets off on the world worshiping him." She took her purse of the table and put her coat back on, and before leaving she add "And men can't be feminist, you would know that if you read a book on feminist theory instead the glorified misogynistic bastards you adore"

She quickly move away from the table leaving a perplex Tom behind, but before she could exit the restaurant he started following her, reaching her just a couple meters from the valet parking station next to the restauran small planters.

"Oh this is very mature of you" he called her "You owe me an explanation"

"I don't owe you shit" He was close enough so he catch her by her wrist.

"Or at least let me take you home" he said turning her around, she rise her other hand and he prepared his right cheek for what he anticipated will be a slap, but something caught her eye and instead and she took her hand to her ear and to his surprise she change her voice to a high pitch whining, causing him to let her go.

"Oh whe is it? Where did I leave it? It must have fallen here" she started looking for something in the planters and kneeling near the fence.

"Are you having a stroke?" He asked getting down to her level "what are you looking for?"

"There's a guy with a camera hiding behind a car two meters from you" she said rapidly in a whisper, she quickly put one of her earrings in his hand and said: "Follow my lead, don't look back. Stand up now"

He did as she told him and they stand up, he was still holding the earring in his hand when she took it smiling wide, and putting it back on, and then for his surprise hugging him.

"Smile, get back inside, go to the bar, order a drink and then come back and ask for your car" she said using the proximity to whisper in his ear.

"Why?" He asked and the breaking the contact.

"Just trust me" she said between her teeth and smiling again. He returned the smile and nodded, going back in completely clueless of what was happening, in inside corner of his eye he could see the man with the camera.

He order a glass of wine, but he barely even touch it, the ten minutes he waited felt like eternity and finally he exited the place again. He give the ticket to the valet. The young man went for it immediately and he couldn't help to feel observed. When his car finally arrived and he tried to tip him the guy simply said "it's taken care of, drive safe" He nodded and get in his car not surprised to see Y/N already in the passenger seat.

He drove off and once they were a couple blocks away they looked at each other, and before anyone could talk they started laughing hysterically but it also felt cathartic.

"Care to explain what happened love?" He asked now back to his normal tone "Did you break into my car?"

"Of course not, Philip amm... the valet guy, he works half time as a medical assistant in my hospital. A couple weeks ago he told me that sometimes the waiters of that restaurant call the papers to get scoops on celebrities, and I assumed you didn't want my stupid tantrum in the first page tomorrow"

"Well no, but at least I'm glad you admit it was a tantrum. Can I know what happened?"

"Oh, the guy with the camera come asking me why you were chasing after me, I told him I made a scene in the restaurant because I couldn't find my late grandmother earrings and this handsome" She said exaggerating an innocent voice "who I didn't catch his name, help me found it, then I texted Philip to let me get inside your car, because I supposed he will be waiting for you to come out"

"That's amazing and clever" he said genuinely impressed by her story "But I meant at the restaurant"

"Oh... I had a terrible day, and I leashed out on you" she said turning red. "I am really sorry, you are not an entitled bastard, and everything I said... it was just out of place. I completely respect your acting, and I shouldn't have expressed myself that way" she apologized for all the things she have said without him interrupting her while he drive back to her place.

"Don't worry about it" he said finally smiling at Y/N again with the most candid smile he had given her yet "I'm sure other people have called me worst, just not to my face, and I do appreciate your honesty. Just one thing." He said parking the car at her door. "That's not why I asked out, and I apologize because I didn't make my intentions clear in the beginning. Nevertheless this was a fun experience"

"Said that again" she said without thinking.

"This was really fun I actually enjoyed your company..."

"No, that word 'nevertheless' sounds way more powerful when you say it."

"Nevertheless?" He said getting out of the car.

"Yeah, I actually have a tattoo that says nevertheless she persisted" she started playing with her keys in her doorway, looking pleased by the interest he show on that detail.

"You do go out protesting huh?" He said taking one step closer.

"I do, and I'm really sorry again" she said looking away and finally putting the keys in the lock.

"And again it's nothing really, so now... am I'll guess..."

"I'll see you around" she said, he kissed her on the cheek and she entered her flat, wishing to forget everything about that day.

By the time she was back at the theater next day, she was hoping to leave all behind, but everyone seemed to be obsessed with Tom's random act of kindness to a stranger that thank goodness the camera hadn't focused well.

She chose to hide inside her office the rest of the night until by the time she assumed everyone will be leaving someone knocked on her door, she opened thinking Caroline may be needing something, but she was surprised when she saw Tom standing there.

"Today it's my birthday, and we are going to celebrate, would you like to come by? I can't help to remind how you called Charlie and Zawe mister and miss, and I think they would like you" he said passing his fingers trough his hair distractedly.

"I know, yeah I would love too" She said immediately "But first, please come in, I... um... I actually got you something, it's a birthday present and also a peace offering for the way I acted yesterday" She went to her desk with him following behind her. She took something from the drawer "You are an amazing Robert, and I know you like to research your characters, I mean you probably have read this already but I thought you might like it" she give him a neatly wrapped brown package with a nice blue ribbon on top.

He opened unceremoniously with a child like expressions, touched by her gesture. And he opened his mouth in excitement and disbelief when he saw the book inside.

The Wild Swans at Coole. Other Verses and a Play in Verse. YEATS, W. B.

"Is this a...?"

"A signed original edition, yes." She said happy "I assume you have many of this but I couldn't think of anything else to give you"

"It's perfect actually" he said already carefully opening the book "This is too much, thank you"

"Your welcome" she took her purse and stand up ready to leave. "So where are we going?"

"Right right" He said standing up too. "You are gonna love this guys".

That had been the end of their would be romance and also the beginning of their friendship, but while Y/N tried on one of the multiple dresses Zewe had chosen for her the idea of trying again started to look less and less crazy, her plan was already in motion, she only hoped now that he would feel the same, and even more important than that, she prayed she wouldn't loose him in case he didn't.

[shes-soparticular]

Slow Burn (Part IV)

Part One. Part Two.

Part Three.

A/N: Part IV of Slow Burn. If you can tell, Kraków is one of my favorite cities and felt like a great point for this particular chapter. Other Alex related one-shots can be found in my Masterlist. Hope you like! Comments, reblogs, likes are always appreciated!

Word Count: 3890

For fear of moments stolen I don't wanna say goodnight But I'll still see you in the morning Still know your heart and still know both your eyes

Since that night the moon has never seemed the same

 He wakes up to the faint smell of coconut and a tingling sensation in his left arm. For a split second, the daily feeling of disorientation takes over him as he processes that he’s in yet another hotel room, in yet another country, living this incredibly strange existence. But there’s something different about this morning in particular. The smell of coconut is floating from the head of hair his face is practically buried in, the curls tickling his nose as he tries to take in the scent as deeply as possible and commit it to memory. The state of discomfort in his arm is owed to the fact that it’s nestled under her ribcage, his other arm draped over her stomach with fingers splayed over the skin underneath the t-shirt she’s sleeping in. His t-shirt. Even though his left arm is begging for relief, he doesn’t dare move a muscle. He knows as soon as he does, as soon as she wakes, the moment might be ripped away and brushed under the rug. So for now, for as long as he can, he’s going to breathe her in and relish being pressed against her in the early morning glow. Laying in the silence, basking in it, he lets his mind replay the prior evening. The bandage on the back of her shoulder jogs his memory and immediately takes him back to Kraków’s cobblestoned streets, the moonlight reflecting off of the windows of storefronts long since closed for the night.

 They move through the streets slowly, cheeks warm from the Polish Vodka they’d been nursing since the end of that night’s show. A piece of street stall zapiekanka passes back and forth between the two of them, which Alex had spent half the night on the hunt for. When the rest of the group had slowly started breaking off to head back to the hotel in preparation for the early morning drive to Vienna, he had been the one to convince her to stay out just a little longer. Even though he was often mesmerized by her for the simplest of reasons, there was something about Kraków Alex that was more intoxicating than even the vodka. She’d been mentioning since the beginning of tour how much she loved this city, stars in her eyes anytime she spoke about it. But it was different actually watching her wander through Kazimierz and Old Town with her eyes wide, fingers brushing across the brick buildings and taking it all in with nostalgia as if it were a home she’d never known. It was yet another facet of her he hadn’t seen yet, this childlike wonderment, and it only softened his heart for her more. As if it wasn’t already a hopeless puddle anytime she was in front of him. Not wanting to sacrifice a second of watching the flush in her cheeks as the spring night air swept through her hair, he insisted on not letting the night end. Even as the rest of the team, Andrew included, shot him discerning looks on their way out of the final bar, all he could do was shrug his shoulders from behind Alex’s back. It was next to impossible to be rational and lovesick at the same time.

“God, I don’t know what it is about this city,” She sighs to herself, arm tucked through his as they strolled through Old Town. The moon, bigger and brighter than he’d ever seen it, lit their way and reflected off of her eyes as she looked up to him. “I wish we had more time here, I don’t want to leave.” It was clear to him that she was trying to stretch the night out as desperately as he was. There was no other reason she’d still be out in the middle of the night with no destination in mind.

“I know, I can’t believe we’re almost through with Europe.” His forlorn sigh matches hers as they weave past a couple necking on the sidewalk. He and Alex share a momentary smile at the couple’s expense, but there’s an undercurrent of jealousy that they aren’t the ones pushed up against the city walls, lost in one another. Granted, even if they were simply, innocently arm in arm, Shawn still feels as lost in her as if they were tangled in the sheets. “I’m dreading the end of this leg. I’m not ready.” With a rush of nerves, he looked off into the distance, not wanting to make the loaded nature of his statement any more obvious. Because what he was trying to say, what he really meant, was that he wasn’t ready to leave her. Even if it was just for a couple of months, he couldn’t imagine not seeing her every day. Breakfast wouldn’t be the same without listening to her tease Brian. His afternoons wouldn’t be the same without her forcing a smile out of him by asking in a dead serious tone if he ever planned to collaborate with BTS. And the nights? God, the nights definitely wouldn’t be the same. Not without laying across her bed watching her proudly show off her bad dance moves to Lizzo songs. Or listening to her geek out over Game of Thrones theories. He wouldn’t even get tired of the sinking feeling he got every time he caught that last glimpse of her face before her hotel room door shut in front of him. Although, he was certain he’d continue seeing her face nightly anytime he closed his eyes. Nothing was going to match having her in the room, though. The comfort of just knowing she was there and that was enough for all to be right with his world. He just wasn’t ready for anything to change, not in that way at least. What he didn’t realize was that there were plenty of similar thoughts running through her mind at that very moment. She didn’t want to miss out on those sweaty post-show bear hugs, where she’d never felt more at home than wrapped up in his arms. She wasn’t prepared to give up their nightly ramblings about everything and nothing. She was even going to miss bickering with him about the right way to chop vegetables (she truly feared he’d be missing a finger by the time June rolled around). Alex was just as afraid to let this moment in time pass and face the real world again, without one of his smiles to start her day.

“We’ll be running around North America before you know it.” Alex replies with as reassuring a tone as she can muster, rubbing his arm for added comfort. “And you have some exciting stuff coming up in May, I’m already planning my SNL watch party. I’m going to make everyone take a shot if you say, “sing it!”. Two shots if you forget the words. Three shots if you fall.” At the look of offense on his face, she hides in his shoulder, her laugh vibrating against his arm.

“Maybe I am ready to be Alex-free for a little while.” Shawn scoffs, shaking his head but secretly eating up her mocking. “I’m glad to hear you believe in me, feels great.” He still can’t help but laugh along with her. When so many people line up to kiss your ass, it’s always a breath of fresh air to hear from someone who doesn’t mind poking fun. Who can keep you grounded. “What are you going to be up to with your time off?”

She takes a beat to consider the question, obviously not having as impressive of an answer. “I don’t know, I mean, I’ll be back in the office.” It’s easy for him to forget that she has a real job, one with a desk and a cubicle and probably one of those “hang in there” posters with a kitten on it. And far more likely, a bottle of Maker’s Mark in her desk drawer. “I have a lot of contracting to do for a few fall tours, but I should be able to handle all of that from Chicago. I guess I’ll just be hanging out, back to the boring old grind. Gonna be tough to go back to civilian life.”

Continuing their aimless walk, the sound of a busker strumming away on his guitar fills the air. Neither of them recognizes the song, but it’s soft and sweet and only makes his hands itch to pull her in. Not letting himself hesitate any longer, he grabs her hand and gives her a sloppy spin into his chest, grinning at the way he’s managed to catch her off guard. Being that she had more of an impulsive streak than he did, it wasn’t an easy feat. A giggle leaves her lips as she lets herself lean into him, the hand that isn’t in his moving to his shoulder. “I guess I should ask first, if you want to dance.”

He’s fully expecting a snarky response from her, something just sharp enough to keep his ego in check but still kind enough not to bruise it. Surprisingly, all she does is look up at him, the moon lighting her features. “I’d love to.” Her hand brushes further across his upper back, settling on the nape of his neck. It sends shivers down his spine and he can’t decide whether he wants her to notice what she does to him. However, the way she’s melting into him? He’s confident the feeling is mutual. That maybe he isn’t exaggerating this connection between them. Maybe she’s in as deep as he is. They keep swaying together in the empty street, even after the busker starts packing up to leave. He imagines that had neon lights not caught the eyes of this spontaneous girl, that they’d have kept right on dancing until sunrise.

“Hey, I have an idea.” She squeezes his hand, already biting her lip the way she does when a scheme is turning it’s wheels through her brain. “Come with me.” Reluctantly, he drops his hand from her waist, trailing behind her as she takes off with purpose towards one of the few windows that’s still lit up. When he finally takes his eyes off of her long enough to judge the place she’s whisking him towards, he realizes with a chuckle that it’s a tattoo parlor of all places. While it’s true he hasn’t known Alex for long, he knows her well enough to be a little jittery about her plans. When they make their way into the small shop, he stands back and lets her do the talking. He watches as she digs through her purse for her phone, quickly bringing up a picture of a floral sketch she’d already had saved. Listening intently to her rambling, the artist starts drawing out his own version, a small branch of cherry blossoms. He already knew she had several existing tattoos, mostly small and simple. A sailboat on her inner ankle to represent her life growing up on Lake Michigan. A small mountain range on the back of her arm that she’d gotten after spending the summer between high school and college hiking Pacific Crest Trail with friends. The doodle made by her late grandmother dotting her right wrist was her favorite, and the way tears had welled up in the corner of her eyes when she explained it to him made him want to hold her and never let go. In the scavenger hunts to uncover her existing tattoos, she’d never mentioned having another one planned. But clearly, based on the photos saved to her phone, it’s something she’d been thinking deeply about. Being that he’s lost in his own thoughts of her, he almost doesn’t hear her when she turns to him, asking his opinion. “I think under the branch, he should add the words ‘let’s get lost’, what do you think?” The way her eyes flash this vulnerable look she only seems to have when she’s looking at him, he instantly understands the meaning without having to ask. It’s his lyric. A lyric to the first song she ever saw him play live. A lyric that easily represented the way they’d been stumbling together through Europe, falling harder for one another in each new city.

“Really?” There’s this weird sense of pride and humility that fills him, to know that a piece of their time together, a piece of him, was important enough to her that she wanted it to be emblazoned on her body. “I love it, Alex, I really do.” This earns the biggest smile he’s seen from her yet and somehow, he’s never been this tempted to kiss her. Even though that’s the baseline feeling he has every time he wants to kiss her…which is pretty much constant.

Before long, the artist has the design prepared and the stencil complete. For a moment, Shawn is nervous that she’ll want him to wait for her out front. But there’s something about her going off with a stranger that’s going to inflict a certain amount of pain on her that makes him immediately protective. Fortunately, she grabs his hand without hesitation and pulls him along with her to the back of the shop, not letting go as she lays chest down on the cushioned table. Leaning on her elbows for a second, she shimmies down the straps of her dress and bra, leaving her right shoulder bare. She does have to let go of his hand briefly to accomplish this, but quickly grasps it again as soon as she’s finished. When she blows out a shaky breath, he realizes she’s more anxious than he expected. Squeezing her hand as the artist makes the final preparations and applies the stencil, he gives her the same reassuring smile she’d flashed him earlier in the evening.

“So how long have you been thinking about getting this tattoo? You never mentioned it.” He wants to hear the answer almost as much as he wants to keep her mind occupied as the tattoo gun makes it’s first contact with her skin. When she winces, he almost can’t bear it. Seeing her in pain, even at her own request, stings in a way he almost can’t understand. But she’s resolute and manages a smile through the pain.

“Oh, I don’t know, a month or so, I guess?” Alex bites her lip, but it’s out of exposing herself rather than the physical pain. “I’ve been having the time of my life.” This time, she squeezes his hand instead. “I never want to forget it.” He doesn’t even think before reaching up with his free hand to brush her hair back, thumb brushing against her cheek and resting there too long to be considered innocent. They sit in silence for awhile, interrupted only by the sound of the tattoo gun, until the artist announces that he’s finished the line work and ready to start shading the flowers. Clearly picking up on the tender moment between them, a gleam enters the older man’s eyes.

“You know, I never do this,” He chuckles in a thick polish accent, “But would you like to fill in the flowers? I’ll tell you what to do, very easy.” He says this with confidence, as if it’s no big deal to jab a needle into someone’s skin. Especially someone you’re falling head over heels for. To say Shawn is caught off guard is an understatement. No way in hell does he trust himself to do this, to anyone, much less Alex. But the way her face lights up, brighter than when it was awash in moonlight, he knows there’s no way he can get out of it.

“Yes, Shawn, please.” She whines, knowing it’ll be an uphill battle to convince him. The look of determination in her eyes tells him that even if he fights her on this, tooth and nail, he’s going to lose. Now it’s him taking a shaky breath, running a hand through his hair while racking his brain for an excuse that will appease her. Unfortunately, nothing comes to mind.

“Are you absolutely sure? What if I hurt you? What if I fuck it up?” He rattles on, hand still snuggly grasped in hers. “Alex, this will be on your skin for the rest of your life. You need to be sure.”

At his reluctance, she raises to her elbows again for a second, wanting to be even the littlest bit closer to him. “Shawn, I’m sure. You won’t hurt me, you won’t fuck it up. Even if you do, I’d rather have it be your mistake than someone else’s best work.” She lowers her voice at the last part, not wanting to offend the artist that still has a certain amount of her fate in his hands. “If you’re not comfortable doing it, that’s totally okay. I get it. But I’d love it if you did.” Will he ever be able to say no to this woman? Taking one last nervous breath, Shawn accepts the gun from the artist and listens carefully to his instructions, asking him to repeat multiple points before he feels confident enough to move forward. It takes one last soothing look from Alex before he’s finally ready to bring the needle to the skin of her shoulder. Unexpectedly, he feels her relax instantly under his touch. The tension leaves her shoulders, melts from her back. The mere fact that she trusts him to do this, that she wants him to leave this permanent mark on her, something that might outlast them. Something that will be a part of her until her dying day. His imprint on her for a lifetime.

Through some miracle, he’s able to finish filling in the petals as instructed without making any mistakes or causing her an undue amount of pain. For a second, he almost thinks she’s drifted off to sleep before he’s finished, with the way she’s relaxed beneath his hand. But after the tattoo artist takes over to finish some final touches and wrap her tattoo, her eyes flutter open with a look of contentment. He feels her gratitude without her having to say a word, and he hopes she feels his. For letting him in like this, for sharing this moment with him. It’s so strange how something as simple of a tattoo can make him feel so bound to her, which is both euphoric and terrifying all at once.

It’s not long before they’ve finished up and are cast back on to the streets, the back of her shoulder bandaged and their hands interlocked once more. She goes back to leaning into him with her good shoulder and by the time they’re in the elevator up to their rooms, he doesn’t think twice about planting a kiss on the crown of her head. Even if they never go any further, they’ll always have this night. And it alone means the world to him.

They pass his door first and he’s surprised when she comes to a stop. It’s part of their routine that he always walks her back to her room first. “I…” Alex stammers for a second, eyes flicking between him and the door. “I don’t want to sleep alone tonight. Can I…can I stay with you?” The pleading look she’s giving him isn’t even necessary, he wonders if she knows that, if she has any idea that he’d do anything for her. Without a thought. He’s aware how dangerous that could be, but so far, if it just boils down to tattoos and sleepovers, he’s more than ready to give her anything she wants.

“Of course.” He fumbles with the room key momentarily before getting them both inside. While he would have expected there to be an awkward tension in the air, there’s a comfortable familiarity instead. The way they maneuver around each other as they get ready for bed, it’s what he imagines a seasoned married couple is able to do. Except that he respectfully turns around as she changes into the t-shirt he’s tossed her, her boyshorts peeking out from under the bottom once he faces her. That sight alone is enough to make him blush, which he knows is a tad pathetic considering he’s not fourteen.

“Which side?” She asks as she glides towards the end of the bed, debating where to crawl in.

“Count of three?” He crosses his arms with a playful grin, earning one right back from her.

“Okay, one, two, three,” She counts off on her fingers before they both announce their preference. For once, their disagreement works in their favor as he says left and she says right. One more check in the mental “pro” column he’s been logging. He waits for her to crawl in and get comfortable before flipping off the light and crawling in after her. Not wanting to assume this is more than it is, he settles directly on to his back, leaving plenty of space between them across the king sized bed.

“You know, I can take the couch if you want, it’s actually super comfortable,” He has absolutely no clue if it’s comfortable or not…actually, he’s not even sure he’s picturing the right hotel room and couldn’t say for certain that there’s even a couch in the room at all.

“No, please stay.” Her voice is soft, the playfulness replaced ever so slightly with the same softness that was present during their impromptu dance. “Unless you want to, I mean, I don’t want to force you to cuddle with me. Please don’t feel obligated.” The way she sounds seriously concerned, as though she’s the one that’s overstepped, causes him to chuckle louder than intended.

“Cuddle? You didn’t say anything about that…” He inches closer to her, almost an unnoticeable distance, still reluctant to take a mile if she only means to give an inch.

“Shawn, I let you poke me with needles, I think you owe me a little TLC,” She rolls closer to him until they’re nearly touching.

“Okay, that does not get to be a thing you say to people by the way, you asked me to. Begged.” He can see her pout lip even in the darkness of the room, and just like in the elevator, his body moves faster than his mind as he pulls her into his chest. “But I’m glad you did. I hope you like the final result, it’s going to be there forever.” He’s beyond relieved when she settles into him, nuzzling her face into his neck, arm draping over his hip.

“I love it.” Her words are the last thing either of them hears before they succumb to sleep. Wrapped in one another in a way that they know they shouldn’t be but can no longer resist.

 Which is what makes it that much fucking worse when the first face to greet them in the lobby of their Viennese hotel is that of a guy he’s seen only in Facebook photos and Instagram posts. A guy he frankly hoped he’d never see in person. Of course, he is tired as hell and probably not seeing clearly, so he’s fully prepared to ignore the dude entirely. That is until he hears the quaking of Alex’s voice next to him.

“Ethan? What are you doing here?”

A/N #2: Okay, yes, this was inspired by a tattoo I got last night. Check my blog for a picture of the fresh product, that’s basically what Alex got ;) Art imitates life, right?