#some dramatic stunners

[dy3rs3v3]

Metallica rocking out Night 1 in Hamburg, Germany, 26.05.23

Pics by Brett Murray & Jeff Yeager

[vanilladove]

❤︎ ₊ ⊹ get free (bonus)

based off of an anonymous request to see what would happen if reader tried to escape because trust was lost🫣 this is also the 'bad ending' reposted bc 'read more' wasn't working the first time.

pic creds luvpngs | gif creds akashi-tetsuki

˚₊· ͟͟͞͞➳❥ pairing: asylum patient!nikolai x asylum attendant!fem!reader; slight fydor x fem!reader🤫

˚₊· ͟͟͞͞➳❥ genre: angst + fluff? w/ dark elements; one suggestive scene with nikolai🙈read at your own discretion!

˚₊· ͟͟͞͞➳❥ content warnings: feelings of guilt, manipulation + violence, unhealthy relationships, slightly yandere nikolai, this is lowkey sad...😔

˚₊· ͟͟͞͞➳❥ summary: you've become an accomplice to the doa. however, you've started to grow some doubts about your situation. are you really free or just in another man's cage? not to mention the demon lurking from a distance... ˚₊‧꒰ა read pt 1 & pt 2 & pt3 (good ending)໒꒱ ‧₊˚

˚₊· ͟͟͞͞➳❥ word count: 4.7k

"So, what's your husband like?" Your coworker Juliette asked, sitting in a circle with your other colleague Anaïs, passing around a box of assorted chocolates.

It had been three months. You and Nikolai had successfully infiltrated Mersault, getting more information about the space-creating ability and honing in on potential ability users. Now you were alone, working for the government's IT department--your goal was to create a breach in their database for Fyodor to get into, so he could narrow down the Decay of Angel's targets and get their information.

Anaïs scowled and gave you the chocolates, muttering a word about how she was "low-sugar" before she primped her hair, preparing to brag, "Well, y'know, Louis takes me shopping and buys me new jewelry whenever I want. He just got me a new puppy, too, and he's the cutest little pomeranian!" You giggled a bit as Juliet pouted in envy, "Oh--and he's taking this weekend off, so we can go to the islands together!" You popped a caramel-filled square in your mouth as Juliet rolled her eyes playfully.

"You spoiled princess...Antoine spends all his money on the kids--plus he only gets one weekend off a month and always brings them to our romantic date nights..." Your coworker sighed dramatically, pretending like she wasn't equally as doting over her children, whose pictures and handmade gifts were all around her cubicle.

Ah, children, families, frequent romantic dates, marriage...those were all traditional things you gave up after running away with Nikolai.

You were lost in your thoughts as you popped another rich candy into your mouth--this one being filled with a creamy pistachio ganache that tasted a bit too artificial and made you cringe. Juliette called your name to snap you out of your daze.

"Well, what about you? What's your husband like?" She leaned forward and stared curiously at you, waiting for you to share your little gossip. You chewed slowly, trying to process the question as Anaïs nudged her friend's side lightly.

"Juliette, are you blind?! The girl doesn't have a ring on her finger--certainly she must have a man though--I mean look at her--she's a stunner." Your eyes widened at that as you twirled your wig hair and fixed your fake disguise glasses.

"Oh, well, Anaïs is right, I do have a...lover." Lover...you and Nikolai had never really put an official label on your relationship. You described Nikolai--dubbed as "Nikolas"--to the two other women, trying to stay as true as possible while not revealing his true identity.

Juliet winked at you, "Do you guys have sex? Is he rough, soft, kinky?" She giggled as Anaïs side-eyed her for her childish behavior.

You blushed, well, at least you could answer this question in earnest, "Yeah...he's good...really good." You covered your face briefly, feeling heat in your cheeks when you remembered your little Mersault moments. "But we haven't done anything in a while since he's away on a...work trip." You smiled sadly at that, despite missions being the new norm, you couldn't deny feeling lonely and missing Nikolai constantly.

"Ohhhhh?" Juliette and Anaïs exchanged coy looks, "You need that man to marry you before he leaves you...trust me, darling, I would know." Anaïs said, touching up her lipstick, "You wouldn't want to get knocked up and left alone, would you? Men are too unfaithful these days..."

Yeah, you knew all about that first hand.

You were about to interject until you supervisor knocked on the wall of the space you three were having lunch in. "Lunch break's over. Get back to work, ladies." You all got up slowly, and you held onto the box of chocolates, offering some pieces to Juliette before taking it back to your work desk and putting your headset on.

"You shouldn't eat so many chocolates, ptichka, you'll get a sugar crash." You straightened your back suddenly upon hearing the sultry, russian man's voice in your headset. Fyodor. He usually gave you instructions privately to hack into the system, but he normally only talked to you for mission purposes.

Rolling your eyes, you popped a sweet milk chocolate heart into your mouth, "Hush, I'm stressed. And how did you know? Are you watching me or something?" You looked up by the ceilings to glare into the nearby security cameras.

Fyodor only laughed on the other side. "Oh, milaya, I'm always watching you." Shivers ran down your spine as his voice faded out and you were back to staring at your log-in screen.

˚₊‧꒰ა ☆ ໒꒱ ‧₊˚

You waved goodbye to your coworkers as greeted Ivan--your personal chauffeur--and stepped into the backseat of the car, staring out the tinted window. The car was stopped at a red light when you noticed an animated billboard broadcasting a clip of the news. It was your parents and your in-laws begging for any information about you or your husband's disappearances and the award for either of your safe returns. While that didn't bother you at first--after all, your parents just saw you as a pawn they could marry away for a sound investment, and your in-laws didn't treat you much better either--you couldn't help but feel some remorse from their desperate pleas.

You knew what had happened to your husband--you and Nikolai had killed him. As much as you didn't want to admit it, his death was starting to haunt you. The eerie silence after you'd pulled the trigger and the horrible state he was in before replayed in your dreams, and it didn't help that your lover wasn't there to comfort you anymore. Especially now that Sigma was busy managing the Sky Casino, and you had to work your 9-5 office job, you really had no one to talk to openly. No one...except for Fyodor.

"Welcome back, milashka." Fyodor greeted you as you slipped off your heels upon entering the base. You smiled awkwardly at him, freeing your hair from the wig and slipping your glasses back into your purse. "How was work today?"

"Good...as always...you would know that, though since you're always watching me." You teased, still a bit shaken by what he'd said.

Despite how cold and reluctant he was towards you at first, you'd somehow gotten closer since it was basically just you two at the base. He'd held up his promise and gave you plenty of books to read, so you often talked about literature, which usually lead to deeper conversations. Additionally, although he never addressed you by your name like Sigma, he started giving you russian pet names--some of which were uncannily similar to the ones Nikolai would call you. You tried not to pay it much mind--it was probably some weird power dynamic thing--but you couldn't help but notice how he hid the nicknames and subtle flirting around Nikolai.

Fyodor motioned towards the small table by the fireplace, "I made some tea. Would you care to join me, ptichka? He smirked as you sighed and sat down next to him--you swore the chairs were closer than usual. You pulled the box of chocolates out of your purse and set them down next to a blue and white porcelain tea cup. You poured yourself some black tea before taking another chocolate, this one being filled with strawberry cream. You sulked after seeing a drawing of a happy family on the box, drawing Fyodor's attention. "Is anything on your mind, milaya? You seem bothered."

You eyed him curiously, surprised that he cared to listen to you. You figured you needed to get it off your chest, though, so you opened up, "Well...it's just that I've been alone lately with Nikolai gone, and I've been feeling like maybe this life isn't exactly for me..." You trailed off, a bit panicked when you saw a blank, stoic look on Fyodor's face. You put your hands up defensively, "N-not like I don't want to be a part of the Decay of Angels anymore, but just that I want more out of my life in the future."

Fyodor crossed his legs and rested his chin on his hand, gazing down at you, intrigued, "Go on."

You gulped, "I get so jealous when my coworkers talk about their families and settling down, going on fun vacations, or having daily board game nights...How they can speak so freely about their lives, while I have to live a lie and walk past my missing posters every day...I-I don't have anyone to come home to anymore, either..." You could feel tears start to cloud your vision as you looked down, never speaking this passionately before. You were sure you looked pathetic.

Your eyes widened as you felt Fyodor's frail fingers come up to wipe away your tears and brush across your cheek before landing on top of your hands. They were cold, not as warm as Nikolai's but at least somewhat comforting.

"Perhaps it isn't a different lifestyle you crave, but a sense of belonging and security." Fyodor started, bringing his face a bit closer to yours. "Your heart desires a deeper connection with those around you. After all, you abandoned everyone you knew before and suddenly went into an entirely different life. It's only normal that you would feel distressed after a while. You need comfort--and I'm sure that some part of you wants to give your parents some closure about your disappearance."

Fyodor was being...sympathetic? It was almost scary how well he could describe what you were feeling, along with how surprisingly empathetic he acted. You had quickly learned that he had little regard for others or for defective subordinates.

You looked up at him, "It's not just that, though. Even though it's selfish, I want Nikolai to marry me--or at least make things more serious and clear between us..." You didn't notice Fyodor slightly frowning at that as you continued, "He's just been away for so long, and it's not like I don't trust him, but he really has no obligation to stay loyal to me, and I've already been cheated on before...There's no way I can fall in love with another man being a double agent, so I need to know if he plans on us being long-term or not..." Rambling out the rest of your feelings, Fyodor stroked your hand slowly, his smug smile returning on his face.

"You should tell him that, then. If you speak from your heart and tell him the truth, I'm sure he'll listen to you. After all, he'd fulfill your desires if he really loved you." You pouted.

"But it's Nikolai...at the end of the day, he lives by his own convictions and philosophy."

Fyodor clicked his tongue, "If he loved you, he'd compromise." You weren't quite convinced, but you flinched when he brought your hand up and placed a soft kiss to the back of your hand. "Good luck, milashka." As soon as it happened, he was gone as he dismissed himself and left you alone at the table. You didn't know how to think or process the conversation as you lightly slapped away the faint blush across your cheeks.

˚₊‧꒰ა ☆ ໒꒱ ‧₊˚

Another long day of work had concluded as you wished your coworkers a good weekend and walked out the door. It had been two weeks since your conversation with Fyodor, but it was all that was on your mind. You really needed to talk to Nikolai soon.

Wait. Was that Ivan...holding a bouquet of flowers? Not just any flowers either--they were the same lavender roses you'd been gifted by your ex-patient in the asylum courtyard.

Ivan only gave you his usual twisted smile and laughter before handing you the bouquet as you shot him a questioning look. You muttered a quiet "thank you" as you got into the backseat and stared out the window again, smelling the fragrant roses and replaying Fyodor's words in your head.

It didn't hit you that the road you were traveling on was unfamiliar until the car suddenly came to a stop, and you realized you were in an abandoned alleyway. Uneasiness started to settle in as your driver exited his seat, shutting the car door behind him. "Iv--"

You were interrupted when the door to the backseat flung open and closed as Ivan crawled on top of you, pushing the flowers out of your hands as he pushed his body against yours and cradled into your neck, hysterically giggling. "I-Ivan--" You struggled to shove him off you, but he was too strong, "W-what are you---"

A familiar scent stopped you from speaking as your heartbeat increased. Wait, was that--?

Ivan pulled away from your neck before tugging off his bandages, his whole appearance suddenly fading away before being replaced by...

"K-Kolya! I-It's you!" Relief washed over your face as you looked up to see your lover staring back at you, clearly satisfied from whatever prank he'd just played on you. He kissed away the tears that had formed instinctively from your fear while laughing maniacally.

"Hehe~ Did you miss me, dove? I wanted to surprise you since I just came back. Your reactions were a nice little treat~" You pouted as you looked away, embarrassed that you'd lost yet another one of Nikolai's mini games. His features softened, "I'm afraid I may have gone a bit too far though. I really missed you, myla." His warm, gloved fingers traced over your bottom lip slowly.

"M-missed you too, Kolya. So much..." You sniffled as you pulled his head down to yours, tangling your fingers into his fluffy white hair and capturing his lips in a deep kiss. Your back pushed into the car cushions as Nikolai's hands roamed your body, needy to touch you again after so long--especially since he couldn't contact you. He fumbled with the buttons on your thick coat, hands working fast to get you out of all of your layers.

He groaned into the kiss as you tugged on his locks and wrapped your legs around his waist to press him further against you. By now, he had unbuttoned your light blue blouse to reveal your pretty skin. Nikolai pulled away from the kiss gently to take you in--the sight of you all flustered in just a thin lacy bra was turning him on, evident from his growing arousal that was pushing against your tights.

"Fuck, dove, you're so beautiful..." He dipped back to leave messy hickeys on your neck, whispering in your ear before slowly working his way down, "Your skin's so soft...were you touching yourself while I was away, pryntsesa?" You moaned at that, whining when his hand starting rubbing circles from your hips to your inner thigh, getting dangerously close. The trail of wet kisses traveled down your collarbone and your breasts to your stomach and eventually stopping where the waistband of your black skirt and tights laid. He was panting lightly at this point, devoid of air from worshipping your body. "It wasn't enough, though, was it? You need me to feel good, myla~" He heaved, his face pink and strands of hair falling over his eyes. His fingers hooked around your clothes and he resumed his trail of kisses, about to strip you.

"If he loved you, he'd compromise."

Fyodor's words hit you as you stopped Nikolai, lightly pushing yourself up again. "W-wait, Nikolai, I want to talk to you about something." He grunted, annoyed like a little kid, his bulge still pressing against you.

"Can it wait? I didn't bring you to this abandoned, sketchy alley for nothing, ptashka." You pulled away further, to his disappointment, and pulled your knees up against your body, pouting sadly.

"I know, but it's something that's been on my mind since you've been gone", Nikolai only sighed impatiently as you pleaded, "I promise it won't take too long..." You put your hand over Nikolai's, and he obliged reluctantly, sitting up a small distance away from you.

"Cockblocker...make it quick." He muttered, and you tried not to be immature and giggle. This was supposed to be a serious conversation.

You cleared your throat, "Well, I was just wondering about us...and our relationship..." You flinched when you saw Nikolai's eyes bore into you, "I-It's not what you think---I love you and want to stay with you, but, are we..." You trailed off, suddenly feeling embarrassed and unsure about what to say next. You looked down, mind a muddled mess, but you tried to remember Fyodor's advice.

"A-are we ever going to get married? Settle down and maybe start a family? Move somewhere nice and peaceful, where we can just enjoy each other's company?" Your mind went back to Anaïs and her husband, as you slowly started to look back up, "Go on a vacation together to the islands? Or your home coun--"

"No." Nikolai's dark gaze cut into you, stopping you from speaking any further. "Why would you want that, dove?"

You could feel your heart shattering. This wasn't how you thought he would respond. He was supposed to understand you, to listen to you, to compromise.

"I want a future with you, Kolya, that's why..." You started sadly, throat feeling constricted.

"But we're already together right now, myla. Isn't that enough for you?" Nikolai replied apathetically, his expression stoic and unreadable.

"It's--but my husband cheated on me, so I have to know if you're serious about us. I don't want to be in an unstable relationship anymore." Tears pricked your eyes, threatening to spill out as you could feel your heart breaking, "Anyways, you could just cheat on me, too. You're barely even around anymore, and I'm sure that you're always surrounded by beautiful women...All my coworkers are already married and in a happy relationship, so I feel so behind..."

"Oh, so that's why? Because society's telling you to live that way? Because you want to be accepted and imitate everyone else? That's the exact life I was trying to escape from, dove." Nikolai butted back, smiling cruelly.

"N-no! That's not--" You cried out, not being able to hold in the tears. Nikolai frowned and looked up from your face, reaching up towards your head.

"That hat? When did you get that?" He glared up at the white ushanka on your head. It resembled a certain someone's too closely.

You sniffled, "T-this? It's a gift from Fyodor. 'Cause it's getting cold out." Nikolai furrowed his brows in jealously upon hearing that name.

"From Dos...he's the one who planted those ideas in your head, didn't he?" His fists tightened at the thought of Fyodor wrapping you around his finger; it was his specialty, after all.

You wiped your tears sadly as you lowly shook your head no. At this point, Fyodor seemed to be the only one who understood you. He was the one who'd told you that Nikolai would compromise if he loved you. But he didn't. Did that mean...?

"Tch. Look, myla, stay away from that man. Dos may be my friend, but I don't trust him." Seeing your sad face and lack of response angered him more and he raised his voice a bit, "Stop talking to him, dove. I'm warning you--don't you dare even look in his direction."

Your sobbing resumed as you pulled your head back into your knees, hearing the backdoor shut as Nikolai left and started driving back to the base. You heard the sound of rain in the background as you clutched the white ushanka in your arms, the fluffy hat offering you some comfort.

The ride back was silent.

˚₊‧꒰ა ☆ ໒꒱ ‧₊˚

Fyodor awaited you both when you finally arrived back at the base, the same sly smile on his face. "Welcome back, you two." Nikolai only glared back, holding your hand tightly. He let go suddenly and walked past Fyodor into his stone room, implying for him to follow suit.

Once Nikolai's back was turned away, Fyodor gave you a soft, concerned glance. Your nose and eyes were swollen and red from all the crying. "I'm guessing it didn't go well, milashka?" You shook your head softly, and he whispered about leaving some cookies and tea in your room. He tried to approach you, but a strong voice cut him off.

"Dos, let's talk." Nikolai menacingly called out, crossing his arms and leaning against the doorway. You'd never seen him this stern or angry before. He never took anything seriously, certainly you weren't an exception, right?

Fyodor shot you one last empathetic look and went into his room. You shuddered as the sound of Nikolai slamming the door and immediately yelling loudly bounced off the walls. As much as you wanted to eavesdrop, you were worn out and tired.

You retreated to your and Nikolai's shared room slowly, too exhausted to even try the tea and cookies Fyodor had thoughtfully left for you. You barely stripped off your disguise before crashing onto the bed, just wanting the day to be over.

Things with Nikolai could never go back to normal again. You wished you'd just kept your mouth shut, but you also wished Nikolai had been more open to your desires. What were you to him, anyways? And you didn't understand why he was so mad at Fyodor. He'd kept you company while Nikolai was gone, and he'd been nothing but respectful and attentive.

You groaned and tried to shut your eyes to drown out the conflicting thoughts in your head. Everything was way too complicated now. You wished things could be peaceful again. You wished you could escape.

˚₊‧꒰ა ☆ ໒꒱ ‧₊˚

"You want to go back home, ptichka?" Fyodor asked. You nodded in response. The next day, Nikolai was gone on another mission, never coming to your shared bed the night before or saying goodbye to you before leaving.

The russian man sighed, "That's a bad idea. You'll get caught before you know it, and once the press gets a hold of you, it'll be hard to rescue you. Plus you still have your job that could arouse suspicion."

"I know..." You started. "I just...have some amends to make...and I'll only be gone for a day or two...and stay in disguise." Liar. You didn't know why you wanted to go back, and if you were homesick or just trying to self-sabotage yourself. Either way, you knew you couldn't stay here and look at Fyodor or Nikolai any longer. Things were too tense, and you didn't know who was genuinely there for you or just manipulating you.

You couldn't trust either of them. Your plan was to either go back and get caught for your crimes or retreat to the Sky Casino for as long as possible. You bet that Sigma didn't like or trust the two men either.

Not to mention, you'd already left Nikolai a parting text, writing,

"I'm sorry. I'll always love you, Kolya. Thank you."

Not that you even knew if he'd see it, but you still wanted to say something.

"I'll help you." Fyodor finally said, making your eyes widen in surprise. "But I want to tell you something first." He took your hands and held them, running his thumb over your fingers. His touch was cold. "I admire you for wanting to confront your feelings and follow your heart. The rest of us have forgotten such feelings of humanity." He continued, "To see such a lovely, well-read woman like you leave pains me. I'll truly miss you and our intellectual conversations, milaya. So much so that I'll be awaiting your safe return."

You blushed as he kissed your gentle hands, "T-thank you, Fyodor, I'm flattered." Lying again, but you figured you would have to use your 'feminine charm' a bit to fully convince him.

He smirked subtly, "Escaping from another man's cage of lofty ideals and freedom into the outside world...Would you care to do me one last favor, milashka?" You nodded with doe eyes as he leaned into your ear.

"Give me a goodbye kiss." Shocked and flustered, you pulled away and broke contact.

Fyodor only stepped forward and held your face, his soft smile seeming more sinister now, "What's wrong, dove, you just have to kiss me, and I'll help you escape. Not a bad deal, no?" He got dangerously close to you, his hot breath fanning over your glossy lips.

You froze for a second, "I-I can't--" Fyodor only traced your lips ominously, like he was taunting you and asking you why.

"I'm still in love with Niko--"

"Dove? Dos?" Your heartbeat stopped when you heard your lover's voice behind you. Why was he here, and how'd he get here so fast?

You turned around, hoping he would save you, until you saw him holding a gun--the same one he used on your husband.

"Kolya, w-wait, this isn't..." You stopped talking when you heard the gun cock. There was no way you could explain your way out of this. You and Fyodor were just about to kiss, and you were trying to escape indefinitely.

Nikolai narrowed his eyes and pointed the gun at Fyodor, "This was your doing, wasn't it?" Fyodor only remained calm, however, and twirled a strand of your hair while smirking.

"No, quite the opposite actually. Our little dove here was just about to escape and go back home to 'make amends'. It seems like she may still be grieving over her husband and their traditional life together..." Nikolai's grip on his gun tightened, still pointed at his friend. "Actually, she was just seducing me to help her escape. A goodbye kiss, that's what you wanted, right, ptichka?" Your ex-patient's eyes narrowed after hearing the similar pet name.

He turned to you, "Is he telling the truth, dove?" You were shaking, still trying to process the situation in front of you.

"N-no! I was trying to escape with Fyodor's help, but that's it! I swear, I still love you--please believe me, Kolya!" You pleaded, practically begging for your life. Nikolai looked at you regrettably before removing the card over his right eye and laughing bitterly.

"And here I was, rushing back to see you once I saw your text because I was worried about you and wanted to talk things out properly. I'm quite the fool aren't I, dove?" He started laughing maniacally, scaring you. He then stopped suddenly and pointed the gun at you, "But I guess this decision was from your own free will. I was wrong for thinking you were the same as me..."

Anxiety settling in, you couldn't react. What was Nikolai going on about? Had Fyodor said something to or manipulated him, too?

"We got rid of your husband, but now you want Dos, too? You're aren't really mine, are you, dove?" He walked closer to you and pressed the cold metal barrel to your hip. "I'll be nice and let you play one last game, though~" He had a crazy look in his eyes--one dark and emotionless, and the other streaming tears; you were sure every feeling was spiraling through his brain.

Nikolai giggled as he pushed you out of the door onto the floor. You were about to get up in fear when you heard a shot in the background. Did he shoot Fyodor?

Deranged laughter was heard behind you as Nikolai peeked his head out the door, "Better start running, dove. Otherwise the next shot might hit you~" You backed up in terror, standing up and stumbling over to Nikolai, wrapping your arms around him and crying hysterically.

"K-Kolya, you're s-scaring me. I-I love you, s-so let's go back t-to n-normal." Nikolai paused against your shaky body and lifted your face up to his. Tears were falling out both of his eyes now, contrasting the wicked grin contorting his lips. You gasped as he wiped your eyes and licked away your tears.

"You look so pretty when you cry, angel. I'll give you an extra ten seconds for that. Ten...nine...eight..." Realizing you had no way to convince Nikolai to spare your life, you ran, not daring to look back behind you. The man you loved was gone, driven mad by his obsession over you. Your skin crawled as you heard his voice reverberating through the hallways.

"I thought you loved me, dove, but it seems I wasn't what you wanted. I got too attached to you, though, and you know too much, so it seems I can't just let you go or give you to another man. You won't escape my cage."

[muddyorbsblr]

a startling realization pt1

See my full list of works here!

Summary: Oakley returns to campus after a trip with his mates and steadily comes to realize he's developed feelings for you

Pairing: Oakley x Reader

Word Count: 3.9k

Warning/s: frat boy friends vibes; bit of angst; probably not a completely accurate referencing to the events of 'Unrelated' [let me know if I missed anything!]

Things to be aware of: prequel piece to 'just another memory' but can be read alone; Oakley is a SIMP in the making for Reader

There'd been a strange sinking feeling in Oakley's stomach since he and his mates hit the road back to Cambridge. It was the kind that he'd only ever felt when he knew he'd done something that could get his mother cross at him and she and his father would impose some form of punishment on him. Perhaps revoke his cell phone for a week so he couldn't join his friends on their regular scheduled shenanigans. Or chat up some stunner that he'd met the week prior.

But things were different now. He was no longer bound by their rules for the most part. He was free to do whatever he wished and this trip to Italy was the perfect showcase of that new dynamic. All he had to do was get his degree and get a job, and he would still have their support and financial aid so that he wouldn't have to stay at the dorms or even have to tough it out with a roommate that might not approve of the way he lived day in day out.

The only person keeping him in check now was himself, and as far as he was concerned, there was nothing he'd done in Italy that he wouldn't have done in Cambridge. He had a bloody good time there, even, getting to engage in not just one but two flings, and one of them with an older woman.

And yet, when he thought back on every touch, every kiss, that he'd shared with either of the women, that pit in his stomach would form again. As if the activities he'd engaged in during his vacation were somehow the "wrong thing" that could make someone responsible for him cross.

But why?

"You're awfully quiet back there, mate. Which one of your lucky ladies is taking up space in that randy little brain o' yours, I reckon?" Eric teased, lightly tapping the curly blond's head as he plopped down on the seat next to him, jostling him out of his dwelling over why there was a pit in his stomach to begin with.

"I've no idea what you're on about, mate, I'm not thinking of anyone," he tried to brush it off, brows furrowing together when he tried to remember that night in the pool and the knots in his stomach worsened. Like the memories he made in Italy were not something he could look back at with fondness.

If he dwelled on it for even a second longer than necessary, it almost felt as if he was looking back on those memories with a touch of shame.

"Ah come on, Oaks, you tellin' everyone 'ere that you're not thinking about that stunner of a blonde Elizabetta? Even I'm thinking 'bout her and it wasn't my tongue down 'er throat." Eric crowded his space, squishing him to the side of the van. "Or even that cougar Anna, my lord, man that one was fawning and doting after you!"

As if right on cue, his mobile rang and vibrated violently in his pocket. Another call. He didn't need to even glance at the tiny device to know who it was. She'd been calling since just a few minutes after they'd all said their goodbyes.

That was over 24 hours ago. And he was well on his way back to campus, the scenery already began to elicit that feeling of 'home'. Or at least of familiarity.

"Speak o' the devil! Why don't you pick it up, Oaks? Be a grand old time hearing her pining after you again." His friend flailed into his side, dramatically placing the back of his hand on his brow. "'Oh Oakley how I miss you terribly, why don't I come visit you on Cambridge and we can live out any professor fantasies you might have in that virile young college brain? I'll even get the glasses and the pencil skirt just for you."

"Sod off," he grunted, trying to chuckle away the mental image. Another thing that was bothering him: Those fantasies that he'd had before they left for Italy a little over a month ago…none of them appealed to him now. "If you want, you take her number and live out those filthy little daydreams of yours, mate."

All that he could manage to think of at the moment was the melancholic knowledge that when he got back to his apartment, there would be no one there. He wasn't coming home to anyone. That didn't used to bother him before, but for some reason sitting in this van with all his mates and having to hear them be completely taken up with his own conquests in this trip made him feel as if he should be guilty and shameful somehow of the way he acted. The way he treated both the women that he encountered and found himself entangled with.

This is ridiculous, you're not looking for a wife, you batty little git, he hissed at himself, trying to supress the urge to let out a deep exhale. That would set off everyone in the van. Besides, you don't even know anyone that's even remotely wife material.

"Hey hey hey look alive, lads," Marcus, the one at the wheel, started to call out. His tone was brimming with wanton intent. "We are steadily approaching the dorms, and you know what comes after."

"Sorority row!" the rest of the van cheered, proceeding to make botched barking sounds, effectively drowning out the relentless ringing of Oakley's phone.

But the mention of the dorms finally had him sitting up straighter, realization dawning on him that he was wrong. He actually already knew someone who was so much more than "wife material". Someone brilliant and diligent that had a part of him driven to make the steps to be someone better.

Someone that he called his best friend. Better than anyone in the van with him tonight.

You.

"Marcus, could you drop me off here?" he called out, his stomach flipping at the sight of your familiar silhouette jogging to the front door of your dormitory.

His friends' remarks faded into a dull buzzing in the background as he got off the van, making his way over to you and staying still by your side while you did your step-ups at the bottom step of the stairs. It only took a few moments before you shifted your gaze at him, removing your earphones and hooking the cord behind your head before giving him a beaming grin.

"Goldie Long Legs!" you squealed, the exhilaration from your workout giving you an adorably flushed look, the slightest tinge of pink on your cheeks. "I didn't know you were coming back tonight."

"I was gonna give you a call when I woke up tomorrow, but then I saw you." He did his best not to pay too much attention to the strange somersaults his stomach was making the longer he stared at you. "Coffee?" He tried to keep his tone casual, despite the way his voice cracked on the last syllable, as if he was a nervous lad asking a girl out for the first time.

You answered a giggle that had his heart doing the most bizarre acrobatics in his chest. Why was he reacting to you like this? Was it simply the lack of a woman's presence the last two days as they made their way back, making this reaction more primal than anything else? Was it your exercise outfit and the way the fabric clung to the curves that were rarely ever out for him to take notice of before?

Was it something else? Something that was simply…uniquely…you?

"Coffee? At this hour?" you laughed off his offer. "All the coffee shops are closed by now, and you know how you get with caffeine, Goldie. If you have a sip, you won't know a peaceful night's sleep tonight."

"Oi! Lookin' good there, Y/L/N!" Eric hollered from the van. Oakley's skin bristled seeing how his friend leered over your figure. "Shame you didn't join us, Italy woulda been an even prettier sight with you around."

"Rather not add to the trail of broken hearts you lot left behind," you shot back flawlessly, sticking your tongue out at the boys in the van. "I know you lads well enough to know you didn't behave yourselves."

"Oaks over there's the worst offender of us all!" Eric pouted, pointing at the curly haired blond. "Two flings. At the same time. Shoulda seen him, Y/L/N, he was at the top of his game."

The playful smile on your face faltered for a fraction of a second before you recomposed yourself. That infinitesimal moment was more than enough for the pit in his stomach to make its presence felt once again. Now Oakley knew what it was, beyond a shadow of a doubt.

Shame. And the worry that knowing what he'd done back there would somehow taint your perception of him. When your gaze darted to him once again, he had to fight back the words that wanted to stumble clumsily out of his mouth. They meant nothing to me.

In the moment they were fascinating, and truthfully while he was in said moment, he thought about how things would go moving forward. If he would try to pursue anything with either of them, but ultimately the immediate answer was 'No'. Back then he didn't know quite yet the reason behind his mind's outright refusal, but now he did.

This dalliance was a mistake. I have someone so much better back at home and I've been a fool not to see it.

"Quite the juggling act, Goldie," you remarked, your tone more hushed than before. It felt as if you were putting distance between the two of you despite not having moved an inch. Like there was a wall he couldn't quite scale now just to get to you.

"One o' them even gave him a nice lil picture o' her. A breathtaking blonde called Elizabetta. Ohh man not even the finest girls in sorority row can compare."

Shut up, you little twat, he internally seethed, wanting nothing more than to throw whatever he could get his hands on at Eric's head so that he could just. Stop. Talking.

And then his mobile started ringing again. And your smile disappeared, your face looking as if it was struggling to decide how to reconfigure itself, your neck twitching with every shrill note of his ringtone. "That's probably that breathtaking blonde now," you said in an eerily chipper tone. "I won't keep you any longer, I'm sure you're tired from the trip. And you'd like to spend the night speaking with your new lady friend."

"Oh that's not even the blonde! That's the other one!" Dammit Eric, stop talking. "Older lady. Head over heels for him, she couldn't keep her hands off him every time they were in the room together. Told you, Y/L/N. Top of his game."

"Ohh so a lady lady friend. All worldly and whatnot…" Even your body language was throwing him off now, way too casual to fit how he himself felt in this moment. The feeling of wanting more than anything to explain. "Well then, I really don't want to keep you. I know better than to keep my elders waiting, you should, too."

The boys in the van started cheering and clapping over your remark, jokingly chanting "One of us! One of us!" as you gave them a curtsy, making a motion as if you were wearing a skirt rather than your black and hot pink leggings.

It was only when you were halfway up the steps to your dorm building that he managed to find his voice again. "Breakfast tomorrow? My treat?"

You only answered with another giggle. "Did you hit your head or something back in Italy? You don't do breakfast, Oakley. At most you do half a protein bar at first period. From my purse. I'll see you at lunch. I mean…if you're not too busy with your new lady friends or whatever."

He couldn't come up with an intelligible enough response, instead watching you walk into your building and shutting the door, wiping away at your face with your towel. All that he could do was walk back into the van, telling Marcus in a daze, "Drop me off at my place. I'm not in the mood for stop overs at sorority row."

Oakley wasn't in the mood for any more games. Any more women. Not tonight.

The next morning the first thing he did was call up his service provider to see about getting a number blocked, and then he grabbed his wallet, rummaging around in his desk drawer for a handful of photos to place in front of Elizabetta's. A group photo with his mates from their first class project in freshman year, a photo with his family. A photo of a stolen moment with you where you two were wielding chopsticks at each other in a playful "stand off" for a potsticker, and your graduation photo.

On a whim, he placed the potsticker one in the front, a fond smile stretching across his face as he traced his finger over your face in the picture. And then his alarm clock began to ring and the sound quickly filled his apartment, springing him into action to find the nearest clean outfit he had lying around.

He nearly broke a sweat with how fast he ran to your dorm building, hoping he'd catch you before you started walking toward wherever you'd decided to grab breakfast for this morning. Right as he was across the street from the front doors, you walked out, one earphone plugged in and the other dangling from the cord, undoubtedly mouthing along to whichever song was topping the chart this week.

"Y/N!" He internally winced at the hoarseness in his voice. He wasn't even running for that long; how was it that he was already heaving for air?

Your head snapped up to his direction at the sound of your name, shock registering on your face when your eyes met his. Followed by confusion, your brows adorably knitting together as you watched him jogging towards you as he crossed the street.

"What brings you to my neck of the woods at this hour, Goldie?" you greeted him with a smile, hooking the cord of your earphones behind your neck. "Have a breakfast date with one of the girls from my building? You must have it bad for this one if you're willing to wake up so early for--"

"Y/N, I'm…I'm not here for someone from your building," he cut you off, wiping his hands on his shorts before standing up straight, trying to get his heart to stop beating so bloody fast. "I asked you to breakfast last night, remember? My treat?"

His response had you visibly taken aback. "Oh…" The word came out more like a squeak, making you clear your throat. "I uhh…I thought you just offered that as a nicety. For catching up. We could've done lunch…or you know, coffee now that it's a reasonable hour."

"We could do that, too," he said in a rush, fighting against the strange instinctual urge to reach for your hand as the worry that you might wave him off and start walking away crossed his mind. "After breakfast?"

You shuffled your feet in place, slightly swaying back and forth. It was a motion he knew all too well from you, the one that told him you were trying to think something through, trying to find the reason and the rationality in something before deciding what to say or do next. Had it been any other day, any other circumstance, and had he not been grappling with finding his own sense of rationality in why there was suddenly this shift on how he was acting and reacting around you, he would have swayed with you.

After a few moments your mouth stretched into a half-smile, shrugging before tilting your head in the direction of a nearby cafe and bakery. "Alright then. Let's go."

Oakley couldn't help how his face broke out into a grin, a touch too eagerly falling into step with you, still fighting the urge to reach for your hand. To lace his fingers with yours.

"So tell me all about Italy," you started, looking up at him and squinting your eyes as the morning sun hit your features. "Start with the food because I want to know if handmade pasta--"

"We can talk about Italy later," he breathed out, finally losing the struggle to not reach for you and settling on lightly resting his hand just above the small of your back. "Tell me about what you've been up to the last six weeks."

He'd try and process what it meant later. That all he wanted to do was know how you'd spent your time apart. That he wanted to hear your stories rather than speak about his own. That much as it was an extraordinary experience to roam Italy with his mates, the only thing he could think of now was how it could have been even more beautiful if he perhaps…experienced it with you.

"Oh…" Your voice got smaller again, as if you were struggling yourself to find words. "Well truthfully they were quite boring. My sister visited campus to drag me to the shopping plaza to overhaul my wardrobe. She's quite literally holding my jumpers hostage and replaced them all with…well, things like these." You awkwardly motioned at the dress you were wearing, a frilly sage number with a bow. "I look ridiculous."

"You look beautiful," he blurted out, immediately biting the inside of his cheek when you snapped your head up to give him a questioning look. A new feeling flooded him. Something almost akin to…fear? His heart was still pounding and thrashing in his chest, his breathing thready like the air was too thin.

Like he was afraid that you'd look at him and see right through him. Right into his soul. His deepest, most secret thoughts. Thoughts he hadn't even dared to properly articulate with himself.

And if you saw them, if you saw him, you would walk away without a second thought. Those words that he was so used to wielding without completely meaning it when he was around other girls, he'd uttered to you with the weight of every unspoken thought he'd had of you since last night.

With every ounce of sincerity and honesty that felt so foreign for him to possess.

"Oh please, Goldie, you don't have to butter me up," you laughed off his compliment, waving it away with your hand like it was a little housefly flitting away by your face. "You don't have to lay it on--"

"I'm not." The words were flying out of him faster than his brain could filter them. "You're beautiful, Y/N. And it's not because your sister overhauled your wardrobe or you changed your hair. It's you." His heart caught in his throat seeing your eyes widen, the questions and the confusion in them mirroring his own. What was wrong with him today? "All of you."

You pursed your lips, already looking back in the opposite direction like you were second guessing agreeing to sharing a meal with him. Or maybe even sharing any form of time with him. He already wanted to hit himself for not keeping his mouth shut, he probably just flushed your entire friendship down the toilet all because he started acting the same way he did when he was in the first grade talking to the prettiest girl in class.

"Hmmm," you sounded through pursed lips, taking a deep breath before your features morphed into that all too composed smile that you gave him and his mates last night. "And here I thought all I had going for me was my winning personailty."

"That's just a part of it," he shot back, failing to fight the urge to touch his hand to your arm as you reached the cafe, helping you keep steady as you walked up the elevated platform leading to the door. Right as you walked past him when he opened the door for you, he caught a wisp of your perfume. The same one you'd worn every day since the day he met you, the scent of apples and mandarin blanketing him with a warmth that took him aback.

Memories of his weeks in Italy now bombarded him. How he would relish the apples that he had, breathing in the scent before taking a bite. How he brought an apple when he and the rest of the group visited a citrus grove, and how the combined smells reminded him of home.

Only his family home didn't smell like that at all. It smelled of tea plants and bergamot.

"Oakley?" Your voice broke through his memories. "You alright over there?"

He took in the sight of you, a single eyebrow raised looking like you were amused by his stupefied state, the corner of your mouth upturned in a little smirk. "Right as rain," he choked out, finding it hard to breathe properly with his heart beating so fast it might as well be The Flash on a treadmill. "Just not used to being up this early, is all."

You only wagged your finger at him, tsk'ing in response when he stepped up next to you at the counter. "Shouldn't have shocked your system with changing your routine like that, Goldie. You have to ease yourself into it, take baby steps. Otherwise you'll crash midday and end up taking a twenty-minute nap that quickly turns into four hours, miss a lecture, and then you'll have to rely on my notes. Again."

"Ah, you should know me better by now, Y/N. I'll need to rely on your notes even if I'm wide awake, I can never pay attention to those old windbags."

His words had you rolling your eyes to the ceiling, a devious smile playing at your lips. He couldn't take his eyes off you, every waking brain cell screaming at him to take your face in his hands and kiss you.

"And here I thought your time with your new worldly lady friend would have you respecting our elders a bit more," you quipped, laughing at him when all he could do in response was audibly choke on the air. "Maybe we can hack that debauched brain of yours. Pretend those old windbags are your older lady friend instead, or pretend one of the pretty girls in our lecture room is your breathtaking blonde Italian beauty. Maybe then you'll pay a bit more attention in class."

I won't, his mind protested. Why would I look anywhere else when you're right next to me?

"I really don't think so," he said softly, letting out a chuckle when all you did was shake your head at him, proceeding to order a bacon cheese waffle sandwich and the first of a handful of coffees you'd be drinking throughout the day. All the while Oakley watched you, a fond smile stretching across his face as he lost himself in the memory of the citrus grove again. The scent he was chasing the entire way to Italy and back.

Your scent.

Home

A/N: Sometime last year I made a lil note in my idea notebook to make a prequel piece to 'just another memory' and now here we are…and it's gonna be a 2-parter with a potential alternate ending because the lil gremlin horn dogs in my writer brain want a scenario where she chooses…well, y'know what, you'll know who it is soon enough 😈😈

'everything' taglist: @simplyholl @loopsisloops @imalovernotahater @coldnique @loz-3 @huntress-artemiss @salempoe @vickie5446 @athalialaufeyson @lokiprompts @kats72 @kikster606 @asgards-princess-of-mischief @lokixryss @thomase1 @mischief2sarawr @lovingchoices14 @lunarnights95 @goblingirlsarah @iamlokisgloriouspurpose @creationsbyme @maple-seed @mjsthrillernp @ladyofthestayingpower @mygfloki @sititran @glitterylokislut @ozymdias @fictive-sl0th  @lokidbadguy @mochie85 @silverfire475 @joyful-enchantress @elizabethmidnight2017 @holdmytesseract @smolvenger @gigglingtiggerv2 @lokidokieokie @lunarnights95 @superficialdomina @kmc1989 @november-rayne @goddessofwonderland @buttercupcookies-blog @peaky-marvel @lokiified @tom-hlover @dryyoursaltyoceantears @herdetectivetheorist

[oonajaeadira]

Leave Off Your Wandering pt. 3: Autumn

Fandom: The Last of Us (TV)/ Joel Miller

Pairing: Joel Miller x f!reader

Reader: Adult female. Old enough to have been an adult on Outbreak Day. Wyoming born and bred. Sheep farmer, easy-going but confident and self-sufficient. Likes to sing, not a great cook. Childhood friend of Maria. No other physical descriptors; no use of y/n.

Rating: T for now

Warnings: Angst. Canon-typical tragedy (not main characters). Childbirth. A few names that may twist a knife.

Summary: You give Joel a lot to think about.

A/N: Set after season 1 and then diverges. Does not acknowledge the existence of further plot/seasons, although I claim the right to steal ideas and bits of cannon from the second game if I want to for plot reasons later.

It takes a lot to gain Joel's trust, and even longer to tame him. Thanks for sticking it out this long. We're finally shifting into acceptance mode.

“No, they do not make you look old. They make you look like Joel Miller in glasses. Just like the last five pairs. These are distinguished.”

“Looks like something my old man would have worn.”

“Your dad must have been a stunner. Assume the position. Bottom line.”

Turning him by his shoulders, you square Joel up to the line on the floor across from the eye chart at the back of the Jackson commissary.

“P…E Z O L C…F…T D.”

You pass him a handwritten note. “Good. Now use the bottom half of the lenses to read this one. Do it without squinting.”

Taking the paper, he squints. You pull on his arm to distance it correctly and he stops. He stares at the paper for a while. You might be concerned at the pause if he wasn’t taking a comically elongated time, breathing out hard through his nose, his jaw ticking left to right, feigning decisions, trying not to laugh. “Gimme a pencil.”

Without taking your eyes off him, you reach over to the counter and snag a pencil out of a cup and hand it to him, watch his eyebrows lift, his head shake, and give another dramatic sigh as he marks the paper before handing both the note and the pencil back over to you.

Joel Miller, will you go to the harvest dance with me? [x] yes or [ ] no.

“I don’t think these are gonna work,” he points to the black frames on his face. “Can’t read a damn thing. Not one damn word–” He can’t even make it through the sentence without cracking a smile, and only fully laughs when you playfully punch him in the arm.

“I’ll have you know this is a binding contract whether you can see it or not,” you join him in the tease, fanning the note in his face. “Just how blind are you???”

“Well, maybe I was working up to asking you the same question so…I guess not as blind as you seem to think.”

This slowly melts your laughter down to a smile. “Working up to it? What’s there to work up to? You mean… Did you…not want to?”

When his own smile fades, you realize too late that maybe he didn’t.

While you and Joel have fallen into a close friendship over the past few months, sometimes that’s all it really seems to be. There are moments that come close to something more–an arm draped over the back of your chair–or perhaps across your shoulders–as you stand in the back yard watching the fireflies, always a ready hand to help you up from a chair or the ground. If the two of you are ever in the same room, he’s always near, keeping you on his left where he can hear you. It took a while, but both Joel and Ellie have just stopped knocking when they come by, treating your house as they do Maria and Tommy’s–like family.

There are times he smiles in that way where his eyes shimmer and you think he’s coming around to falling for you. But he never pushes for more and you are beginning to wonder if he even wants that. After all, you’d learned from Tommy what life in a QZ can do to a person….and that’s on top of all the years the brothers spent surviving in some of the most violent and criminal ways possible.

Sometimes when you all sit out on Maria’s porch after dinner and watch the sunset together, he might take your hand in one of his–big, warm, roughened but gentle. And it’s at those times you almost forget about how he’d used it in the past. Almost.

With his bare hands, Tommy had said. Just come up behind ‘em and squeeze.

It takes time to become someone else. You always knew you’d need patience.

You just never braced yourself for something….a little less than affection.

“Listen, Songbird,” he sighs, his jaw shifting hard to one side. “I don’t want you to think–”

“Oh yeah, lookin’ goooooood,” Ellie’s opinion precedes your notice of her entrance. “Hey there, professor. I was looking for a book on relativity. Any suggestions?”

Pushing the glasses up the bridge of his nose, he ignores her sass and turns instead to the commissary register to mark down the inventory he’s taking. “Aren’t you supposed to be with Maria?”

“Yeah,” she shrugs, picking up an earthenware mug from a shelf and admiring the owl painted on it. “Her water broke. Baby’s coming. Can I claim this mug?”

“What??” Your body jerks, ready to run, but just barely holding back, shifting all the dismay you were just collecting and using it to power a new anxiety.

Joel’s head whips around, the glasses staying mercifully in place. “What are you doin’ looking for us? Go get Dr. Johnson!”

“Unclench yourself, my good sir. I already did. Went to her–” she says to him and then winks to you,”-- and Willa, thank you very much. You two didn’t tell me where you were going, you think I’m dumb enough to spend time hunting you down first? I’d be looking up and down Main forever. Have been. Almost went out back to see if you were eating spaghetti in the alley with one long noodle between you. Baby’s probably already here by now, jeez.” She spins on her heel, tapping the mug with a finger. “I’m taking this, thanks.”

Joel exchanges a look with you, the former conversation shoved roughly aside for a new concern. “I’ll register it and grab a few other necessaries. You go.”

This is no time to pick up the dropped dialogue but… maybe…should you stay and help? Oh. It takes a second to click that you can leave it to him. You don’t have to tell the man what’s needed for a new baby…after all, he knows more than you. Even if it was a whole other life or two ago.

And with a nod, you shelve your feelings for one more day and jog out the door to catch up with Ellie.

_____

Willa’s just walking out the door by the time you get to Maria and Tommy’s.

“You’re going?”

“For now,” she nods, working her shoes back onto her feet. “She’s got a while to go. It looks like it will be a pretty straightforward labor.”

“Did Dr. Johnson have anything to say?”

Her exhale tests high for irritation. “She’s upstairs. Why not go ask her yourself.”

“Wait. Willa. Did she send you away? I didn’t want to call her, but Joel thought–”

“Nah, it’s fine. I’m going to go take a nap so I can get through the night. But she’s using up all the air in the room and what Maria needs is to rest as much as she can and let it come. A good midwife would know that. Too bad the medical authority in this town is a gastroenterologist and not an obstetrician. It’s a baby and she’s treating it like an obstructed bowel.” Muttering something further about obstructions and matters of the bowel in regards to Dr. Johnson, Willa pats you on the shoulder before making her exit. “Maria can have water for a couple more hours, then sips only. Make sure she eats something.”

Upstairs you find your old friend in full concentration mode–laying on her bed, eyes closed, breathing hard, forehead smooth but glistening–as she awaits the next contraction. Tommy’s curled up next to her, holding one of her hands, his forehead to her temple, matching her breath for breath.

Her other hand is being held aloft as the good Doctor checks her pulse. “Family only,” she condescends as you enter the room.

“Good idea,” you say, plonking down at the end of the bed with enough of a bounce that Maria opens her eyes and glares from behind her belly. When you point to her swollen feet and let your eyebrows request consent, she nods, shuts her eyes, and focuses back on the process as you take a foot onto your lap and start to massage.

Maria groans in contentment and Dr. Johnson takes it for discomfort. Turning to you, her silvery hair pulled back into a tight braid, her frown causes her jowls to deepen. “I really must insist that you clear the room. The fewer distractions she has, the better things are going to go for her.”

You pull your stockinged feet up onto the bed. “Is that how it was when you had kids?”

“I never had children,” the doctor snaps.

“I see. Well, Maria said she was gonna freak out if I wasn’t here, so it seems now we’ve got ourselves a conundrum between what the doctor says and the patient wants. But, seeing as how this is her second child and she is very much my family, I think I’m going with her wishes on this. I never got to meet the first one; I’m sure as hell not gonna miss a minute of my new godchild.”

“Who said you were going to be the godmother?” Maria grumbles.

“I did. It’s your own fault. You left the position open and nature abhors a vacuum, so I’m gonna plug my old ass into that hole.”

“You are mixing so many metaphors there. Where’s–nnnnn,” her face becomes a wall of teeth as the contraction hits, her body a live wire as you and Tommy move to soothe. It takes a good minute for her breathing to slow enough to ask, “Where’s…Willa?”

“She says she’ll check back in tonight. You’ll probably be at this awhile.”

“Well, then, if you’ve got your magic healing woman then I’m not really needed here,” Dr. Johnson’s smile only travels halfway up her face. “Blood pressure’s doing well, no signs of abnormality. I’m sure you’ll be just fine. If you need me, you know where to find me. Just send the foul-mouthed girl again. Certainly with a set of lungs like that, she can easily wake me up in a matter of minutes.”

Nobody stops the good doctor on her way out and the train of her passive-aggressive, attention-seeking attitude trails behind her.

“She means well,” Tommy answers your scathing look.

“Your wife didn’t ask for her.”

“My wife’s never been through labor without drugs before. And she’s older now. I just…” his eyes soften on her with concern as he leans in and presses a kiss to Maria’s forehead, “I just want her to be okay.”

“She’s Maria. Of course she will be.”

The subject groans with a minor cramp. “Stop talking about me like I’m not here and go make me a taco. I’m starving.”

She’s less than thrilled with the berries you bring instead– “water and fiber now, carbs later” –but is placated with you reading her to sleep from one of her favorite Amy Tan novels. Every now and then she wakes up with a contraction, but a little soothe in your voice and she’s out again.

After a few hours, Tommy goes to nap in a spare room and Willa returns with a bag full of clean linens, ready to take over, sending you out to get your own nap in.

It’s quiet downstairs, the setting sun throwing long shadows through the western windows, mixing with a few faint rainbows still filtering through the leaded stained glass over the door.

Maria’s not far from you in age. If there were still doctors in hospitals, they’d call her pregnancy not just geriatric, but advanced geriatric. Even with all the medicine that used to be available, she and the baby would still be under the care of several wary eyes. If they both make it, they’ll have beaten the odds. If they don’t–

Slumping down on the couch and pouring yourself over it–just to put your feet up and your head down for a second…just a second–you push worry out of your orbit. This isn’t a world to worry in anymore. What comes comes. All you can do is what you can do. Maria is strong. Tommy loves her. Willa’s capable. The baby’s on time. Everything’s going to be fine.

It has to be.

It hurts too much to consider an alternative.

_____

When your eyes open again, the house is dark and quiet, the sun long since set.

Although, not so quiet when your stomach growls. Nor so dark either, as you notice a faint glow coming from the kitchen.

A simple investigation leads you to a tea candle burning in a jar on the countertop, next to a scrap of paper with your name scrawled on it and a plate covered in a linen dishcloth, under which you discover a flatbread sandwich.

One look at the handwriting and you can imagine Joel coming by to check up on things only to find you asleep on the couch. There was no gentle-but-possibly-disruptive blanket-covering, no “thought you could use something to eat” beside your name on the note. Nothing but reverent candlelight and one word to let anyone who found the plate know for whom it was intended, no requests or commands, just a quiet devotion, a simple offering to a sleeping idol to be taken or left as you chose.

If he doesn’t want you to fall any harder for him, he’s doing a terrible job.

_____

The final labor comes the following morning, Tommy holding one of Maria’s hands and you the other–both of you gritting your teeth as her grip leaves bruises–and Willa holding the soles of Maria’s feet, giving her something to push against.

Joel’s been tasked with guarding the door to the house since Maria’s taken to screaming with each push–not in pain, but in ferocity–and the neighbors have been coming around in concern. He’s quick to turn them around and send them on their way and you’ve gathered from Ellie’s reports that they seemed offended until she started volunteering the information that Willa is upstairs helping out. Then everyone readily accepts that all is well and being taken care of.

But Maria, she’s the real star of the show here. Yes, she’s in pain, and yes, she’s tired and weeping–no tears, dehydrated–but she’s nothing if not a fighter. She wouldn’t be in Jackson without that being true. And, frankly, Jackson wouldn’t be Jackson if it weren’t true either.

When it’s all done and the delivery miraculously comes off without a hitch, when Willa checks the baby boy over and finds him responsive and healthy, ties him off and hands him over to Tommy, taking her leave to go wash up and rest, the room is eerily quiet.

“Hello, little man. I’m your dad,” Tommy whispers, on the edge of tears but too tired to cry as he sits next to Maria and shares the bundle with her, the two of them staring down in awe at the tiny new human. “I’m your dad, and this is your beautiful, strong, fantastic mamma. And your auntie’s here too and we’re all damn happy to meet you. Welcome home.”

Maria smiles wide, the pain already fading to memory, an unnecessary detail she’s gonna leave behind her in exchange for exponentially better days ahead.

“Good job, you three.” Adding to the kiss count on Maria’s head, you start to pick up some discarded towels and sheets, preparing to leave the new family to rest. “Did you finally agree on a name?”

“Oh, I think I settled early on,” Maria sighs, completely in love. “Riley.”

You hum in satisfaction. “Nice. Where’d that one come from?”

“Ellie suggested it and it just hit me right. It’s a good name for a boy or girl, but mostly I liked it because it’s a fighting name. All riled up and ready to go.”

“Sounds like trouble.”

Maria snorts. “Oh, I’m sure. After all, he is a Miller.”

“Damn right,” Tommy whispers, bestowing his legacy.

It’s an easy decision to make, your vow of silence. You’ll never let them know you feared losing her. Not when there’s more now to protect, more to love.

There's been enough fear. It isn't worth your time.

_____

Over the next week and change, a routine easily emerges. You make yourself available during the day for any needs–help with cooking, diaper washing, or just rocking Riley while Maria has a bath or Tommy needs a nap. After school, Ellie comes by and adds two more hands, truly turning childrearing into a village affair. Joel’s the last to add to the party after the sun starts getting low and construction on the new district slows down for the day, earlier if it’s his day for patrol. Every night is family dinner night now and sometimes Riley’s actually awake enough to join them.

Ellie can’t get enough of her new little friend. If she’s got empty hands she willingly fills them with baby, either rocking him or laying him on a cushion to watch him watching her. She’s not had a lot of experience with babies or newborns other than the lambs, but she’s a quick learner. It’s just one more thing that this harder world has deprived her of. Babies were few and far between in the QZ and Ellie seems bound and determined to make up for lost time, not wanting to miss an instant of growth or change.

Joel, on the other hand, is more stoic. If he was hard of hearing before, it almost completely disappears when Riley’s in the crook of his arm. He can’t help but be captivated by his new nephew and you catch a fond smile creeping along his cheek now and then, but there’s always something a little sad behind it, and when the light catches a glimmer off the face of his broken wristwatch, it’s not hard to guess what he’s thinking.

It’s during one of these moments when Maria’s napping and Ellie and Tommy are out in the yard, that you finish up the dishes and plop yourself down on the couch next to Joel.

“Your arm tired? Want me to take him?”

“No. I’m fine,” he says quietly, trying not to wake the boy. But the silence is more for himself than the baby–Riley sleeps hard. For now.

You simply draw a knee up onto the couch and lean your elbow against the back cushion, watching them, chin in hand.

“Where’s Ellie?” he finally asks.

“Enough leaves are down. Tommy’s out back showing her how to make a leaf pile. And what to do with it.”

He chuckles, knowing exactly what’s proper and good to do with leaf piles. “We used to have a big maple out back when we were kids. Dad spent hours raking and nothing he could say or do could keep us from demolishing his work. Whip our hides and we'd be back out there the next day making a mess.”

“Well, at least lawn maintenance isn’t such a priority anymore, right? Just think of all the leaf piles this one’s gonna get. Let the destruction commence.”

“Yeah.” It’s slow and subtle, but the light slowly leaks from him, a twilight descending over his brow. “I guess there’s still a few pleasures to be had for kids in this world.”

This is why he’s always so contemplative with Riley. Worrying. Taking everything he’s seen and experienced and piling them onto one little baby, doing the parent thing, hoping that they’ll have a better life…but doubting that it could ever happen.

“There’s always going to be something, Joel. If the world hadn’t gone to hell, there’d still be car accidents and kidnappers and war in some far off country and the capitalist job market. A kid has every chance to have a good life in this time as in any other. And even if it isn’t in the world we remember, this one has you and me and all of us in it to look after one little boy who gets to live a life. Isn’t that what’s great?”

“Is it?” He finally turns to you. “You think it’s a good idea to bring a kid into this disaster?”

His eyes lay bare the puncture you’ve made in him, his sorrow and apprehension starting to vent, and it seems he hopes you can patch the hole because god knows his hands are full and not steady enough to handle the delicate procedure.

“Hey. Kids are going to happen, Joel. People are still going to find each other and fall in love and I hate to break it to you, but babies are sometimes a consequence of that. Biology’s a hell of a thing. But just because it’s not the world we knew as kids doesn’t mean it’s not worth living in. In fact, Ellie and Riley are going to do better than us, because they were born into it. They’ll have all of this kind of living in their bones from birth and don’t have to take twenty years to relearn it all. Or use up twenty years living life with regret.”

You expect him not to take that well, but he surprises you, softens, and turns back to the baby, his eyes skipping to his watch.

Maria told you once that sometimes she’s glad that Kevin died. He was still young–only 3 and a half–but he would have remembered. He would have held trauma. Back then, a lot of the little ones were lost, either to hunger or to attack…they didn’t know enough to be quiet.

Sarah on the other hand…. Joel didn’t know it, but Tommy had said once that Sarah would have never made it in this world. Too good. Trusting. Gentle. She would have been taken advantage of or become severely damaged by the shift coming in her formative years. Children are resilient, but a teenager’s psyche could be a difficult thing.

“Still not a good idea,” he mumbles. “But he’s here now.”

“Thank god. Maria needed another man in her life to boss around.”

He’s not budged by your joke. Instead, he side-eyes you, hits you with a cynical question, trying to knock you off your rosy pedestal. “If you’re so happy about kids, why don’t you have any of your own?”

You shrug. “Got sheep. What. Don’t look at me like that.”

“Like what.”

“Not every woman wants kids, Mr. Man. Even if they like them a whole lot.”

“Biology’s a hell of a thing.”

Catching his not-so-clever info gathering, you smirk. “I had other things to concentrate on. And in the meantime, the factory had blessedly closed down.”

He can’t help the instinct that makes him truly assess you now. “You’re not old enough for that.”

You chuckle. “I’m starting to think what you don’t know about women could fill a few books, Joel Miller. You let me know when you’re ready to brush up.”

It’s at this point that Ellie calls in from the porch, telling Joel to “get your flat ass out here! Tommy says you’re a champion leaf-piler!”

“Goddammit,” he hisses as Riley starts to stir.

“Go on,” you smile, holding your arms out for the baby. “I’ve got him. We’ll need to wake his mamma up so he can eat soon anyway. Go on outside and play with the other kids. Be home before dark.”

_____

A few nights later, you’re making assessment in a full-length mirror on the inside of a closet door in a room in your house you very barely use. When was the last time you really had a look at yourself? And when was the last time you wore a dress?

Sure, it’s a fall dress, fine-knit by Addie as a gift for bringing her on as a Roostling so many years ago. You keep it for special occasions, which means you get to wear it maybe once a year. The wool is undyed, so the natural oat goes well with your brown leather work boots. Unfortunately, shoes are at a premium, so having a second pair just for fancy isn’t really a thing anymore. Doesn’t matter. The weather’s been a bit wet and the streets a bit muddy. Boots’ll do you just fine.

But you haven’t worn your hair like this in ages. Freshly washed and let to dry rather than set back or under a bandanna for utilitarian purposes, you almost forgot what it looked like natural like this.

You almost forgot that you could actually clean up quite pretty. Huh. Imagine forgetting a thing like that.

The knock at the front door’s expected. Even though Ellie and Joel come and go as they please, tonight you knew he’d do the polite thing and knock. The comfortable part of you wants to call down and tell him to just come in. But the hopeful part of you knows that this is his way of making an effort. Of taking a step your way.

“You sure?” you’d asked Maria earlier in the afternoon. “You’re gonna be okay for the night?”

“It’s a dance, not a trip to the moon. And Ellie’s here. We’ll have fun.”

Ellie rolled her eyes, clearly not happy about diaper changing duty, but smiling through it. “Please. Go. Get him out of the house. The later he comes home the better. Bonus points if he’s not back until morning.”

“Jesus, Ellie.”

Maria only smirked in full agreement.

He’s waiting on your porch when you open the door, one thumb tucked into his belt, the other holding onto a porch pillar as he examines the sole of one boot.

“You step in something?”

“Shit, I hope not. I just cleaned these. I thought–” but of course he stops when he looks up and sees you. Joel himself doesn’t have a lot of extra clothes, and is dressed in a clean dark flannel and jeans, nothing you haven’t seen before–although tucked in this time–his hair is still wet and slicked back, exposing more of the gray.

Your getup, however, is a new sight for him, and he’s struck enough to let it show on his face. So you give him a twirl, let the dress swing a bit. “Get your fill, I only bring this out like once a year. You’ve earned it this time.”

The smile is subtle, but it’s there, along with the tiniest of nods.

It’s not a long walk to the mess hall, but on your way you both determine that Joel’s definitely stepped in something, and yes, it’s still worth holding his hand. Horses are gonna horse and stepping in crap is an everyday occurrence when you live around animals at the end of the world. He seems grateful and maybe a bit chagrined, but neither does he seem ready to let you go.

The mess hall’s brightly lit; several jack-o-lanterns carved by the town’s kids adorn the long tables which spill out into the street to make room for the buffet and the dancefloor inside. A good portion of the town is out tonight and mingling under the canopy of string lights.

Addie and Goldie are the first to find you and greet you, the former admiring her own handiwork on your dress–even if she’s much improved over the years–and the latter pushing mugs of warm cider at you and Joel. Willa, it seems, took to the Roost short after Riley’s birth, always opting to take solitary watch during big gatherings and celebrations. But she did help with the decorations and is responsible for a good portion of the cornbread on the banquet table. When they start asking questions about the baby, Joel politely excuses himself, muttering something about getting you a plate.

“And how’re you doing?” Goldie asks, nodding after Joel. “I didn’t think that grump would warm up to anyone, but I suppose you’re tenacious enough when you want someone. I don’t blame you. Grey Fox indeed. If I was twenty years older, we’d have to share.”

“Yeah, he’s coming around.”

“Didn’t think you’d ever take up with anyone again. I heard Ellie had a run-in with the lye.”

A sudden lump rises, nothing you can’t swallow down. “She’s fine. And so am I. Maybe I'm a little lonely is all. Maybe I got a type. Here’s to hoping I’m wrong where it counts!” You smile wide, clinking your mug with Goldie’s and drink deep, chasing away whatever guilt rudely decided to come calling.

Tonight’s supposed to be happy. Tonight’s your night with Joel. Just you and him. No family, no interruptions. The past is the past. And this night is easily the first of many.

Soon enough you catch him waving you down at one of the tables and join him for dinner.

“Figured you weren’t picky, so I got you some of everything.”

“Hells bells, Foxy. Were you planning on dancing with me at all tonight? Because I won’t be able to move if I eat all of this.”

At least he swallows what he’s chewing so he can answer you between forkfuls. “Don’t worry. I’ll eat what you don’t.”

“Then how are you gonna dance?”

He shrugs. “Didn’t plan on gettin’ rowdy. Not with these knees.”

“Oh my god, you old man. Did you really come here with me just to sit and eat? There’s a band playing. And they’re good. You’re not gonna dance with me?”

“To be honest,” he says, straining above the chatter spilling out of the hall and taking another bite of chicken, getting it mostly down before continuing with a pained squint, “I was never good at it. One of those ‘stand around with a beer and watch the band play’ kinda guys. But a pretty girl wanted me to slow dance, I could do that. More swaying than anything.”

“Well I guess that’s something to look forward to then.”

“Good thing you’re easy to please.”

It’s another hour sitting at the communal table, the night settling in and the fiddle and guitar music rolling out from inside the hall. A few friends come by to visit, Missy Tippett makes her way to Joel’s right side to flirt and he pretends to hear her, answering all questions with a “yep” even if they aren’t yes or no queries and you do your best not to laugh. True to his word, Joel takes on the leavings of your meal–nearly half the plate–while you chat with folks, and he rises beautifully to the challenge. Without having to scrape and scramble in the QZ or starving out in the wilds, he’s put on weight since the spring, just enough to fill out his hollowed cheeks and pleasantly soften down his belly. He keeps active with the construction enough that he’s putting away more fuel than storage, but it’s good to see him enjoying the harvest.

You’re mid-conversation with one of Willa’s brothers when Joel taps a knuckle on your elbow. Turning to find him with his chin in his hand, he points inside of the mess hall where a slow song just started, an old Buddy Holly tune, True Love Waits. The time has come then. Like the worn shoe that he is, he gets up and re-tucks his shirt as you excuse yourself and then let him lead you inside to the dance floor.

He’s an old-schooler, guiding you close around your waist and taking your hand in one of his.

In all the time Joel and Ellie have been in Jackson what you’ve felt toward him was a strong pull, a crush, an attraction. It’s been years since you felt drawn to someone like this. But it isn’t until this moment that you actually register the ramp up and learn that your species of butterflies don’t really seem to reside in your belly, but behind your sternum. The tip of your nose and chin tingle with the proximity to his, his breath warm and apple-scented, his flannel smelling of soap and being dried in the sun. His hand fits perfectly at your lower back and your arm was made to curve up and around his sturdy, ample shoulder.

It’s that feeling where you can’t seem to look him in the eye for more than a fraction of a second for fear of losing control, and so you focus on his chin instead, yearning to land your lips there.

It takes most of the song to realize he’s doing the same with the top of your head.

You should say something; it feels odd not to be poking fun somehow. But then, you can’t think of a damn thing to say now that you’re exactly where you’ve been wanting to be all these many months. Well, nothing witty anyway.

“It’s been forever since I slow danced with anyone.”

“Out of choice, I assume,” he answers after a while. “Seems odd you being here so long and not spoken for.”

“Not everyone has to be paired up for life to be worth living.”

“Maybe not. But it looks like you want to and I’m not sure how anyone says no to you if you set your sights. You’re damn persistent.”

The song ends and you break to applaud, ready to quip back. But there’s a look on his face, and expression that you’re not able to categorize in the context of this moment, only that it looks like he might want to leave or be alone.

“Joel, I’m sorry if I pushed you. I know you’re still settling in. I didn’t mean to–”

But the next song starts up, sweet and slow–You Belong To Me–and he doesn’t give you a chance to finish. He just pulls you in close, tucking your head against his shoulder under his jaw, taking your hand again and holding it against himself.

“I’m settled,” is all he says as you sway.

Determination. That’s the expression. A commitment laced with lingering sadness or fear.

And that’s okay, you think. After everything he’s been through, that’s okay. As long as he wants to be here with me, everything’s going to be okay.

At the end of the song he peels away, and while the expression has softened, it still remains.

You reach for his hand. “You wanna walk?”

He nods. You let him lead.

Outside in the crisp autumn night air, he doesn’t take the direct path to your house, instead, he ambles slowly down another road, toward Maria and Tommy’s place.

Joel’s a thinker. He’s got things to say but needs to put them in order in his head first. So you let him organize while you walk slowly beside him, the light and the pretty violin ballad fading behind you. It takes a little longer than you expect and you’re almost to the house when he finally speaks.

“I’m not good at this.”

“You say that like there’s one right way. Like I’m expecting something out of you.”

It’s obviously not what he expected you to say. “But you are.”

“Okay, maybe. But I’m also willing to meet you where you are.”

“No, that’s not what…” he breathes out hard, frustrated that his thoughts are getting out of order, but you wait. “You should be…expecting…something. You should want me to…reciprocate.”

“I do want that, but I can’t force you and I know it.” You amble on, watch his jaw tick. “Joel, I’m crazy about you and I’d love nothing more than for you to feel the same way about me. It’s been a long time since I felt that way about someone. But I know it’s different for you. I know you were more recently attached, and for a long time–”

“It wasn’t like that. Well…wasn't like this, anyway.”

You follow him silently past Maria and Tommy’s place–dark, everyone asleep–and take a turn that will eventually lead you to your own house. A block goes by before he finds his next words.

“Tess and I…our lives…we were…rough with each other. Cared for each other, but we were hard. We had to keep on our toes, couldn’t let feelings get in the way or make mistakes. But all that…stuff… We had each other physically but we kept a lot at arm’s length. Like a survival mode. Conserving our energy for things that kept us alive. Safe.”

“I think I understand. Tommy said–”

“Tommy didn’t understand shit. He thought I was using Tess. But he was wrong.” Even if he’s keeping his voice even, his eyes cold, you can see his fist clenching and unclenching out of the corner of your eye. “I…I needed her and didn’t know it. She was right there and I should have… told her so. That’s what I think I’m saying. I don’t have any practice in anything that isn’t just surviving. And I don’t know if I can give you what you want.”

“Are you pulling a ‘you deserve better’ on me?”

Another look of surprise. Again, you’ve thrown him for a loop.

“Because I do deserve better. You’re right. I do deserve to be loved and to be adored and to be happy. But so do you. Most of us do. Doesn’t mean everyone’s gonna get it. Sounds like you spent the last decade and change denying it for yourself and to someone else. But at least you had someone. At least you knew where you stood. Me, on the other hand…I spent the last decade remembering something like that and wishing it would come back, knowing it wouldn’t, and beating off any chance of having it again like a damn fool. Maria ever tell you about Troy?”

His headshake is subtle, but his look of concern not so much. You decide to let it roll off you just as you had with everyone else in the past ten years.

“Figures. Tommy’s got a big mouth but Maria’s always kept her trap shut when it’s not her story to tell.

“Troy was my...husband. We were married for three really good years. He was a refugee, like you. Came through from Seattle QZ with his sister. Ash was a wild one, loved the sheep. She was the last trainee we had before Ellie came out. She had a habit of wandering though, hopping the barrier for berries and honey and just to run free in the woods without a care in the world. Almost cut her off from going out to the Meadow, but Troy spoiled her, took her side in most things. His only weakness. Damn, I loved that stupid man so much.”

Coming up to your house, you take a seat on the steps, not ready to go inside yet. As you continue, Joel follows your lead and ends up beside you.

“You ever wonder why Maria and I don’t live on top of one another? Troy and I lived in the house next door. Once he died, I couldn’t bear to live there anymore.”

The breeze picks up and you give it a minute to die down. Joel’s voice pushes through your silence just above a whisper. “What happened?”

“Troy and Ash were out at the meadow and they weren’t answering the check-ins. So Willa and I went out there with the patrol. Right away we see almost the whole herd gathered in one lay. Not like them unless they’re protecting a sick or injured one. And that’s what they were doing, all huddled around the hole.

“Can’t say for certain how it went down, but from the looks of things, Ash got herself bit, nearly took off her forearm. Back then the area wasn’t so cleared out and Ash liked to play her chances outside the barriers as I’ve said. Must have scrambled back in and come looking for Troy or he brought her back thinking he could fix it and found out he was wrong. He blew her face clean off. He must have dug the hole and put her in it. Covered it with lye. Got in there with her. Shot himself.”

“Jesus.”

“Yeah. Bodies were in pretty rough shape when we found ‘em.” The stars are bright tonight as you blink back tears in the dark. “I shouldn’t have let her go out there. I thought he would get her to take it seriously. I should have pushed. But. They were so close and I also know that I couldn’t ask him to choose my wants over hers. And in the end it looks like he wouldn’t have picked mine anyway.”

The power from the dam is being conserved for the harvest dance tonight, so the streetlamps are dark on your row. But the moon’s bright enough to catch Joel watching you, reassessing you.

“I’m very, very capable of deserving love, Joel. And I’m capable of giving it with my whole, stupid heart. I remember what the world used to be, and how it turned on a dime and how we all lost everything we were and had. And when I met Troy I thought that love could fix it. Nope. It doesn’t fix it. The past doesn’t go away. But it’s nice to have someone to walk through the better days with. To choose to live in the present and make it brighter.”

As if the world is an underscore to your story, one last, lonely cricket interrupts the silence, a holdout for the season, waiting a little too late to find itself a mate and a home.

“I’m a murderer, Songbird.”

It’s a simple statement.

“I know you are.”

“Just so you know. Just so you know what you’re getting into.”

Now it’s your turn to gather your thoughts. “We’re all a pile of our many selves. Who we were, who we choose to be going forward, how we see ourselves, how others see us. It’s all there, always will be. All of us a little broken. Fractured. But it doesn’t have to be just one thing forever. There’s no mark of Cain here. Just making choices every day to be the person you want to be. You find your people and you take care of them as best you can, and they do the same for you. You slip up, you start over tomorrow.”

And now it’s his turn to blink up at the night sky.

“You did what you had to do, Joel, we all did. We all had to revise the moral manual for a minute. Nice thing about Jackson these days is that there’s nothing you have to do. You can just do what you want, what makes you feel whole and alive. And if that’s something different every day, then that’s your choice. You say you’re not good at this, but you are. You danced with me. Walked with me. Listened. You’re just as good as you have to be and if you want to be better at it then you just...try again. You get unlimited tries.”

His expression is muddled in shadow, his face turned out of the light and focused on you.

Suddenly tired, you stand up and walk up the stairs to the door. “I had a nice time tonight, Foxy. The best. Even if it ended on a downer.”

“That’s my fault.”

“No. It’s nobody’s fault, it’s just what life is now sometimes. Will I see you tomorrow?”

He’s slow about it, but he climbs the last few steps to the porch. You were wrong about the solitary cricket; there’s still a few still pushing the limits, challenging the first frost, singing to the moonlight.

Reaching out, letting his fingertips trail your arm all the way down, he captures your hand to keep you still and moves in, slow and quiet.

When he finally kisses you, it’s a tentative declaration, a promise of what he can give right here, right now; his kiss lingers in apology, showing you in every way that he has trouble letting go, unpracticed in being tender, but he’s willing to try.

Finally.

Every second lingered is worth the wait, only because you can feel that it won’t be the last.

“Guess I shouldn’t put off until tomorrow what I can start on today then,” he says when he steps back.

“That's a real good start.”

There’s not much more to say as he makes his way down the steps off into the night and toward his own house. No need. No expectations. There’s always tomorrow.

And since Joel’s come to town, it seems like every tomorrow’s usually been better than the yesterday before.

_____

You’ve been sitting on Maria’s couch knitting a sweater in the chilly morning sun for at least a good hour when Ellie comes down from upstairs.

“Oh hey, you’re here,” she says, throwing herself down on the floor by your feet and beginning to paw through your basket.

“I am. Didn’t have any plans today, thought I’d come and be on hand. How’s Riley?”

“Down for one of many naps. He’s growing so fast already.” Finding a full spindle in your stash, she begins unwinding it and forming it into a neat ball with practiced hands.

“That’s what babies do. He’ll be walking and talking before you know it.”

“We should bring him out to see the sheep when he’s walking.”

“We’ve got a corral of milkers in town he can visit. Probably not a great idea taking kids out of town. You’ll see when he’s up and about. Little kids like get away from you and hear themselves scream. Hard to keep safe if you’re dumb and loud.”

“Oh. Right.” She’s silent a while, slowly building her yarn ball.

“Something you wanna ask me? It’s not like you to volunteer to help with this part.”

There’s a certain way Ellie chews her lip and scrunches it at the same time. “I was thinking of asking you…if I could stay behind next time you go out to the Roost.”

That makes you chuckle. “Riley’s a little more fascinating than the sheep right now, huh. What. You thought I’d be mad?”

“No, just…I do like being out there. But I also feel like I can help here. For now. And I know you’re skipping your weeks to be here and I thought if I stayed you could go and then there’s still enough of us around….”

“The sheep are in good hands, they can wait. I’m in no hurry and I don’t mind being here. But I appreciate it.”

The yarn’s coming to an end, the ball in her hands reaching a pleasing softball size. “Can I ask you a favor then?”

“Of course.”

“Tommy went out to the reconstruction site and left his lunch and Maria asked me to bring it to him so he doesn’t come home for it and wake her or the baby.”

“But you wanna stay here.”

“Yeah.”

“Good timing.” Smiling and finishing up your row, you tuck the needles and sweater into the basket. “It’s a nice, dry day for a walk and I’ve been meaning to go see that sector. Tell you what. Eye for an eye. I go out there, you ball up all those spindles while I’m gone. Don't undo my knitting."

What the autumn sun is lacking in warmth, Ellie makes up for it with that spark of unbridled joy. “Fuck yeah, deal!”

_____

Swinging a bundle bag full of Tommy’s lunch and other sundries, you walk out to the old north edge of town. The wall’s come down here, another one erected a handful of blocks beyond, re-civilization slowly sweeping and expanding out as the need arises. The houses are in varying stages of disrepair, repair, and some have come down to use for scrap. Your elementary teacher’s house is still here, getting a spiff-up treatment and you’re remembering Mrs. Erstine and her roses fondly when there’s a sharp whistle and call of your name.

Joel’s walking down the block toward you with an easy smile and you return it as he nears. It’s been a couple of weeks since the harvest dance and you haven’t seen each other much outside of family dinners and scattered evenings at Maria and Tommy’s’. Between the rush to get some of these homes fit for winter and you helping out with all the canning and preserving down at the mess hall, a twilight trio on the porch with Ellie here and there has been your scant means of together time.

“What’s brought you up this way? Everything okay?” He’s good enough to bend his neck a little so you can meet his patchy cheek in a kiss.

“Tommy forgot his lunch and Maria wants to spare him a trip.” You hold up the bag. “And I brought treats for you too.”

His finger hooks the bag, trying to peek in. “Really.”

“Nah ah, not until you take me to your leader.”

“My leader,” he scoffs, turning and leading you up the street. “Ain’t nothin’ he can do I don’t have to come up after him and fix.”

“Speaking of fixing, we could use new shingles at the Roost. It’s been wet and I’ve heard there’s a leak.”

“Yeah? When you going out next? I’ll go out with you.”

Turning onto a more wooded road, you both follow the sound of hammers. “Well, Goldie’s up there now and I usually take after her. I suppose I could go next week before the rains really start up.”

“Next week then.”

As you approach a beautiful A-frame home, Tommy’s over to one side at a couple of sawhorses, measuring out a beam. Joel calls out to his brother with the same whistle he gave you.

“It’ll be just you and me,” you say. “Ellie wants to stay home with Riley.”

Joel’s head whips around. “What?”

“Hey there, ma’am-o-jam, what brings you up here? Everything alright?” Just like his brother.

“Yeah, all’s well. You forgot your lunch and my legs needed a stretch.”

“Oh shit,” he grins. “I was just starting to get hungry. Thanks.”

“No problem.” You gesture to the house. “This is really beautiful. It’s like a bigger version of the Roost.”

“It’s nothin’ like the Roost. It’s on the ground.” Tommy smiles as you swat at him. “We’ve started with all the houses that need the least amount of help, tearing down the ones that need the most to fix ‘em up. This one had a lot of protection from the elements–the sun and the snow–from all these pines around it. All the windows still in place. Mostly just had to clear out a couple of overgrowths in the basement–probably the previous owners gone to seed. But it’s all good treated hardwood. Good bones. It’ll stand another century or two.”

A small, involuntary shiver passes through you at the casual mention of dead infected. “Did you burn them? The previous owners.”

Your reaction doesn't escape Joel’s notice. “Did it myself. There were a few in this section. It’s okay. They were long gone. Dry as a bone. It’s safe here.”

He’s earned a smile, even if it’s a sad one. “That’s good. They must have loved this house, to want to stay here, even when they didn’t know any better. Can’t blame ‘em. Anyway,” you go through your bag, lifting out a small parcel and handing the rest to Tommy, “here you go. But this is yours,” offering the parcel to Joel but then snatching it away as he reaches for it, “only if you promise to be honest and tell me if you like it or not.”

Joel’s eyes light up when he opens the package. “Holy shit; is that…pecan pie?”

And Tommy winks as he takes his lunch and walks back toward the house.

“Heard it was your favorite.” You can’t help but laugh at his big dumb grin. “Don’t be too excited! I obviously had to make every substitution. Walnuts for pecans, honey for sugar; it’s not exact, but it should be close enough. Been working on my bakes.”

Taking a bite, he shakes his head in what at first seems like pain but soon reveals itself to be the opposite. “Damn woman. And you only bring me one piece?”

“You’re a carpenter. That’s a triangle obviously cut out of a full circle. You know there’s more where that came from.” It’s a pleasure to watch him lose a battle against another big bite. “I take it you’re happy.”

His mouth full of sticky sweetness but the crow’s feet setting in, all he can do is chew and cock his head, looking you over as if to say, damn right I am.

_____

Joel’s quiet the whole ride to the Roost. It’s easy to guess what’s troubling him. A whole week alone should be exciting, but he’s worrying about expectations again and there hasn’t been much time to talk about it…or he just didn’t want to.

“Meadowlark to Goldfinch.”

“Present.”

“Bringing a Grey Fox in at the north gate.”

“Noted. You brought your own sheets I hope.”

Out of the corner of your eye, you catch Joel’s frown and straightened shoulders as he suddenly loses the sympathetic gait with his horse. “Yup. Both sets. For two beds. Man’s here to work on that roof and I’m only payin’ him in food.”

“Ooof. Poor Joel. He deserves better.”

“Yeah, well I’m working on it. Boiled water last night and I didn’t even burn it.”

The banter seems to have relaxed him back into the saddle sag for the time being, and you keep it up until Goldie has you in her sights.

“I know you like sleeping under the stars, Foxy, but it’s been cold and wet. Bed’s yours. I’ll take the top bunk.”

“Fine,” he grunts.

“And you’re not allowed to go up on the roof unless I’m around to spot you.”

“I can handle it.”

“Oh, I’m sure, but my nerves can’t. And this is my domain. I’m the boss out here.”

This gets you one half serving of smile with a side of eyeroll. “Yes ma’am.”

Once you’re settled in, Joel descends the ladder and starts going through the woodpile, looking for adequate repair material, taking up the axe to split some logs for shingles while you go take a cursory round through the meadows.

The sheep are mostly on the near side by the copse of trees housing the Roost, keeping a tight flock, settled down and facing into the wind. A few bleat as you arrive but none of them skitter, allowing you to pat a couple as they chew cud and to check any for painted marks in case Goldie found one of them sick or lame. Other than one small ram that wants to playfully butt you in the thigh, all seems well. The rest of the flock is mostly down by the river and you take a little time to make some noise and shoo them toward the others before circling back to the Roost….

…which is where you find Joel Miller up on the ladder prying at rotted shingles.

“What the hell did I say, Cinnamon Roll?”

“Hold your britches,” he calls down. “I’m just assessing.”

“How am I supposed to get up there and you got the ladder?”

“Oh now we have a quandary,” he jokes. “What are you gonna do if I don’t let you up?”

“You think I haven’t slept out with the sheep before? I’d have no issue with it but that it’s gonna rain, so maybe you should let me up so I can help and make that repair go faster.”

Coming down and moving the ladder to the balcony drop, he scans the sky with doubts. “What makes you think it’s gonna rain?”

“Because I read sheep.”

“You read sheep.”

“Yeah. They spell it out like a marching band. RAIN. Big letters. Cursive. Could you just–”

The ladder comes sliding down with a thunk and you climb, taking his helping hand as you reach the top.

He smirks. “You’re cute when you’re angry.”

All you can do is shake your head and hide your grin. “Don’t you dare. I’m gonna get my gloves.”

As he starts to heft the ladder back up, you go inside and quickly grab a wool hat and a pair of deerhide gloves from your pack. Turning to go back out though, a glint catches your eye near the door.

There’s a new nail in the wall.

With a broken watch hanging from it.

Huh.

This must be the place where he feels like he can be free of it and of the past you gather it represents for him. A special spot for it by the door where he won’t forget it when he leaves, somewhere he can see it if he needs it, but not carry it so much.

It’s a nice piece but for the hole. Well cared for. 2:40. You realize with a little regret that you missed the anniversary, that Outbreak Day no longer registers. Which means you also didn’t–

He doesn’t like to celebrate his birthday, Tommy once said.

It had come and gone without much fuss. But also without any noticeable misery. Railroaded by a new nephew and hard work.

That’s good. He’s not forgetting, just letting it rest. Someday it will be a good day again.

“You gonna get out here and hold this thing or what? You’re the one said rain is coming.”

“Not me. It was the sheep. Hold your britches or get a better belt. I’m coming.”

_____

A gentle roll of thunder wakes you in the night and the Roost is dark as you listen for a moment to the rain pattering against the roof slanting up and over you, inches away. Tuning in, you train your ear for a hard patter, a splotch, any indication that the roof patch didn’t hold, but of course it has. It was mended by Joel Miller himself.

Well, at least it’s dry, but damn, it’s chilly. A glance toward the little iron stove shows you nothing but darkness, which means the fire’s out. As much as it hurts to leave the little nest of warmth you do have, it’s probably better to relight it and warm the place by morning, so down the bunk ladder you go, being as quiet as possible.

Somehow, it's always comforting waking up at night at the Roost. Your house in town is too quiet at night, too full of the possibility of unfamiliar ghosts--of those that lived there, of the society it held, of your own loneliness. At least out here you feel held by the trees and needed by the sheep. There are ghosts buried out there in the meadow, but they're long gone now, part of the land itself, land that was always wild and free and full of the kind of life that wasn't destroyed all at once in one day. Night at the Roost is a quiet comfort, a place of purpose and sisterhood and family. It's full of wooden and woolen things made by hands you know and is welcoming to everyone, including the moonlight and the stars.

It takes a little doing with the wind up and you have to manipulate the flue a bit, but after a few minutes there’s a lovely crackling and smell of pine. Padding over to the chair by the window to snatch the wool blanket there, you stop for a minute to look out at the storm, trying to catch a glimpse of the sheep in a flash of lightning, but there’s not much of that to be had, so you wrap the blanket around yourself and make your way back to the bunk ladder.

“Sheep okay out there?” Joel mumbles in the dimness from his bed, somewhere near your knee.

“They’re fine. Did I wake you up?”

“No. Been listening to the rain a while. You cold?”

“Yeah. Fire went out. You?”

His answer comes in the form of something like a sail in the darkness and it takes a second to realize that he’s holding his blankets open in an invitation. “Come on. You’re gonna let the heat out.”

Sliding into Joel’s warmth is an easy decision to make. And it’s not just the warmth of his sheets, but that he brings the covers around you, pulling you all the way into his chest against his soft old undershirt, tucking you in under his chin, wrapping you up in his whole, woodsmoke-scented self.

Every tension in you simply melts into bliss.

Resting his lips against your forehead, his breath fans gently at your hair. “I could get used to this.”

A long hum rides out on your exhale. “I think I already am.”

“You’re a good woman, you know that?”

“Spoken like a true Texan.”

A long kiss presses into your forehead. “I’ve been thinking about what you said. I’m gonna do my best to be good again, Songbird. Hope I can be what you want.”

“That’s easier than you imagine. You’ve been what I want since you showed up around here, so I’m already quite pleased. Hope I can be what you want.”

A new warmth takes you over as he starts to spread his hand along your back, simply running over your contours, testing out what it’s like to hold someone this way, slowly caressing, lightly squeezing, tucking you in tighter. “You seem to know what I want before I even do. I look forward to finding out what I want next.”

“Well, I have to admit. Your brother tipped me off about the pecan pie.”

He laughs a little as he tips your chin up to meet you in a kiss in the dark. It’s hesitant but hungry; a long time needed and a long time savored.

“Did your sheep say it was supposed to rain all day?”

His hair and beard ruffle softly under your fingertips. “I didn’t ask, but I think it probably will. Sure hope that new roof holds.”

“We could always just stay right here and keep an eye on it.”

“See? You know exactly what you want. We can do that. I’d say that’s a good day’s work.”

His hand splays big and warm on your back, pinning you close for another kiss. “I tend to agree.”

_____

PREVIOUS: SUMMER

WINTER

MASTERLIST

SERIES MASTERLIST

[colorbar1]

4 Eye Makeup Products That Are A Must-Have

Eyes are one of the most beautiful things to ever exist on Earth. They have been compared with precious gems, the moon, stars, the ocean, and flowers, and it is our duty to ensure our eyes always remain at the peak of their beauty.

Eye makeup is one of the best ways to ensure your eyes stand out. The evolution in the makeup sector has made eye makeup products more pigmented and long-lasting, which ensures your eyes remain beautiful and enchanting throughout the day. But which are some of the eye makeup products that are a must-have?

In this blog, we will talk about 4 eye-makeup products that you can buy as a beginner makeup enthusiast or just someone who wants beautiful eyes.

1. Eyeliner

Eyeliner is a staple in every makeup bag, and for excellent reason. A good eyeliner:

Defines your eyes

Makes them pop

It enhances the drama of your appearance.

Kajal eyeliners can be further divided into liquid eyeliners and pencil eyeliners, which you can use according to your preferences. Choose eyeliners that glide on smoothly, allowing you to create precise lines or bold, dramatic wings. Whether you’re going for a subtle day look or a daring night out, eyeliners have got you covered.

Best Eyeliner by Colorbar (with price)

I-Glide Eye Pencil - Rs.626

All-Matte Eyeliner - Rs.675

Wink With Love 14 Hrs Stay Eyeliner - Rs.899

2. Kajal

Kajal is one of the most popular makeup products in India. It’s traditional and perfect for creating that smoking hot eye look. You can use it on the waterline, lash line, or even as an eyeshadow base due to its versatility. Best kajal for eyes:

Has smooth glide

Is available in a variety of shades

Is smudge- and water-proof.

One of the reasons for Kajal's popularity is the belief that it protects against evil energy. Whether it's beliefs or beauty, a waterproof kajal is a must-have in your makeup bag.

Best Kajals by Colorbar (with price)

Just Smoky Kajal - Rs. 675

Ultimate Stunner Kajal - Rs. 675

Mesmereyes Kajal - Rs. 359

3. Eyeshadow

Eyeshadow is where creativity meets beauty. With endless possibilities, you can create looks that are subtle, smoky, or downright dazzling. A wonderful eyeshadow palette:

Is available in a variety of high pigmented shades (matte, shimmer, metallic).

Must have a smooth blendable formula

Before choosing an eyeshadow palette, checkout all the shades and whether these shades match your style. While some eyeshadow palettes exclusively feature nude shades, others incorporate hues such as green, purple, and red, which may not be suitable for everyday makeup for most individuals.

Best Eyeshadows by Colorbar (with price)

Dreamland Eyeshadow Palette - Rs. 719

Fairytale Eyeshadow Palette - Rs. 2520

Berry Blush Eyeshadow Palette - Rs. 1980

4. Mascara

SHOP NOW

Mascara is the ultimate eye-opener. It lifts, lengthens, and volumizes your lashes, making your eyes look bigger and brighter. A good mascara:

Must coats each lash,

Add incredible volume and definition.

Must be smudge-proof and water-resistant

You can choose between a black mascara or colored mascara

Best Mascara by Colorbar (with price)

Starlight Wand Color Mascara - Rs. 1150

Magic Glide Lengthening Mascara - Rs. 1200

Zoom and Whoosh Mascara - Rs. 675

These are top 4 eye makeup products that we believe are a must have. Other eye makeup products also include:

Fake Eyelashes

Brow Pencil

Eye primer

Conclusion

With these four essential eye makeup products from Colorbar, you can create endless looks that are as unique as you are. Whether you’re heading to work, a party, or just want to feel fabulous every day, these products will help you achieve that perfect eye look. Remember, beauty is about expressing yourself and having fun, so go ahead and experiment with these magical products. From smudge-proof kajalto colorful eyeshadows, visit Colorbar Cosmetics to check their collection of eye makeup.

[randomvarious]

Today's compilation:

Baby Boomer Classics: Love Sixties 1985 Soul / Pop / R&B

Oh my, we've got a lovely slew of 60s soul and pop tunes on this one, folks. A few of these are surely eminent classics already, like Aretha Franklin's "Natural Woman," The Shirelles' "Will You Love Me Tomorrow," and The Delfonics' "La-La," but as time continues to pass by, the rest of these seem to be fading away at much more rapid paces, I think. And that's an *extremely* undeserved status for some of 'em, especially.

Top of mind, "The Sun Ain't Gonna Shine," by The Walker Brothers, a full and dramatic UK-made baroque pop stunner from 1966 that just might be the single-greatest hit that Phil Spector never actually made. Frankie Valli was the first one to release a version of this song in '65, but then producers Johnny Franz and Ivor Raymonde applied a' Wall of Sound'-type treatment to it, and netted themselves a #1 in the UK and a #13 Stateside. Not something that you're bound to hear on your typical American oldies station, but this is such a beautiful and lush 60s hit nonetheless 🤩.

And immediately following that one is another absolutely brilliant cover, from one-hit wonder Oscar Toney, Jr., whose rendition of "For Your Precious Love," which had been previously made famous by Jerry Butler & The Impressions, earned him his only top-40 placement, with a peak at #23 in 1967 on the Billboard Hot 100. Toney spends the first half of this song in the form of spoken word monologue, and you might feel like he's wasting time, but then he launches with so much stirring, heartfelt, and emotional passion, that the only thing that you're left to conclude is that it was all definitely worth it in the end. It's not an obscure song, but for how good this one truly is, I still feel like it's a vastly underrated gem that deserves far more recognition than it's received over the years 💎.

So this comp of 60s love songs actually happens to be pretty boring and dry at the start with a few lame pop tunes, but once the compilers start to pour in the soul, it really transforms into a top-notch set of 60s hits. Another good one from this broad and eclectic Baby Boomer Classics series 👍.

Highlights:

James & Bobby Purify - "I'm Your Puppet" The Delfonics - "La-La (Means I Love You)" The Walker Brothers - "The Sun Ain't Gonna Shine (Anymore)" Oscar Toney, Jr. - "For Your Precious Love" Aretha Franklin - "(You Make Me Feel Like A) Natural Woman" Mel Carter - "Hold Me, Thrill Me, Kiss Me" Dionne Warwick - "Walk on By" The Shirelles - "Will You Love Me Tomorrow" Gladys Knight & the Pips - "Every Beat of My Heart"

[theeverlastingshade]

Hovvdy- Hovvdy

Of all the records that I’ve had the pleasure of listening to in 2024 so far, few have been as pleasantly surprising as Hovvdy’s self-titled 5th LP. The perpetually feel-good indie folk-pop duo comprised of childhood friends Charlie Martin and Will Taylor have been releasing music since the mid 10s, having gradually evolved from the self-described “pillow-core” label that cheekily but aptly summed up their gentle slowcore approach to a disarmingly inventive pop project with a nonchalant but immense tunefulness. They’re not the sort of band that deal in sweeping or demanding music that blows you away with their sense of experimentation or urgency; they instead work in small gestures that prize the beauty in mundane moments we so often take for granted but would be better served taking stock of. With each subsequent record, Hovvdy have become more adept at songcraft without losing their hazy, lovably low-key, nocturnal essence, and this self-titled double LP is the strongest realization of the sound they’ve been chiseling away at since the jump. Hovvdy have never made a bad record, but the expansive scope and refined approach to songwriting render Hovvdy the record they were always meant to make. Hovvdy probably isn’t going to change your life, but it very well might help you appreciate it more.

Hovvdy have been slowly but surely honing a supremely affable sound throughout their 5 LPs, continuously shedding the austere minimalism of their halcyon days with each subsequent record while simultaneously incorporating a wider instrumental palette and embracing tasteful electronic flourishes. Hovvdy comes across like the inevitable progression of a talented band with a hyper specific vision staying the course and growing into their own as songwriters, with a few subtle experiments that belie any accusations of them as purveyors of nothing but sonic comfort food. Flashes of pedal steel, strings, drum machines, and synths dot their once spartan vistas, but instead of flattening the emotional impact of these songs like a heightened sonic framework can manage so easily with such gently rendered music, the revamped sonic palette accentuates the potency of the sentiments being conveyed. While the record scratching, programmed beats, and effects-laden guitar passages are notable developments for the band, Hovvdy generally stick to warm concoction of subdued beats, bright acoustic guitar, and the friendliest sounding vocal melodies imaginable. What’s more impressive than the detours in their sound is how sharp their sound has become; these are consistently well-crafted, catchy songs with strong dynamics, clever arrangements, and vivid, lived in lyricism. While nothing here dramatically redefines what Hovvdy do, it all congeals into the most fleshed out, and striking batch of songs that they’ve ever composed.

Naturally, the heightened level of craft and assurance on display throughout Hovvdy renders it both a uniformly strong listen and also the record that houses more than its fair share of their strongest songs to date. Some of the highlights, like singles “Portrait” and “Jean”, are natural extensions of their tender porch pop, but imbued with some of their most dynamic verses, bridges, and hooks to date, which continue to belie their ingenuity through a deceptive, easy listening veneer. Other singles, like “Bubba” and “Meant”, allow jittery, polyrhythmic electronic percussion (on the former) and winding, effects-laden guitar (on the latter) to seep into the foreground, opening up new dimensions in their sound while being tastefully juxtaposed against their warm vocal melodies. The impossibly gorgeous late album stunner “Give It Up” is an easy bid for the single most beautiful piece of music that they’ve ever composed, particularly after the vocals dissipate and the creeping bassline juts around the jangly acoustic guitar and organ melodies, while the opening lines of “Forever” instantly present it as a full-blown career highlight, which is only reaffirmed by their breezy guitar melody, inspired record scratching transitions, and the timeless sounding vocal melody that emerges during the bridge. For as easy to identify, and seemingly well-trod as their core sound seems at first listen, Hovvdy remain the rare sort of group whose music has simultaneously become more immediate and approachable while also more adventurous over time. While the Alex G and Bedhead comparisons may have held plenty of water in the past, Hovvdy are on their own wavelength now.

Hovvdy’s music has always exuded a thoroughly nostalgic gaze, and the passage of time only continues to heighten that thematic focus. There really isn’t any irony, irreverence, wit, or malice in the Hovvdy songbook; this is deeply earnest, heart-on-sleeves folk-pop that constantly veers close to overly precious, but sidesteps those trappings with its humble, homespun feel that suggests they take their craft, but not necessarily themselves, seriously. For a band like Hovvdy, the prospect of a double album is a particularly risky prospect from a lyrics perspective; a scope this narrow could wear thin very quickly, but that thankfully doesn’t ever really pose a problem here. The opening lines of “Heartstring” aptly lay out their perspective “If I’d gone where I could have been/Would we be what we ended with/If we crossed at another time/Where would we spend our lives”, providing a litmus test of sorts for whether or not this is really your sort of thing. If “Heartstring” is too precious I’d steer clear altogether, but if it goes down easy there’s so much more to admire here. “Make Ya Proud” is a lovely tribute to Martin’s grandfather written during trips to visit him in the hospital towards the end of his life “Everyone needs a little more time/God damn, don’t we all need more time?” while “Jean” is simply about doing right by those in your life ”Don’t wanna get comfortable with anything that don’t feel right/Oh, tell me, Jean, do you see a light in my eye?” (one of the most Hovvdy-coded subjects imaginable). The sentiments espoused throughout Hovvdy are simple but sublime, imbued with a sly wisdom that’s all too easy to overlook within the context of these endlessly listenable pop songs. It’s hard to imagine that I’ll come across a more approachable, life-affirming record than Hovvdy this year.

Essentials: “Forever”, “Give It Up”, “Bad News”

[fashionforswag]

Forget the Cake, You'll Be the Gift: Show-stopping Dresses for Your Big

Birthdays are all about celebrating you, and this year, why not ditch the traditional cake and become the gift yourself?  Step into the spotlight with a show-stopping dress that makes you feel like a million bucks.  Let's explore the world of Sexy Birthday Dresses For Women – your secret weapon for an unforgettable birthday look that will leave everyone speechless.

Finding the Perfect Dress to Steal the Show

Sexy isn't about following trends; it's about embracing your unique beauty and rocking a dress that flatters your figure and ignites your confidence. Here are some tips to find the perfect Sexy Birthday Dress for Women to turn you into the star of your own celebration:

Embrace Your Shape: Everybody is a beautiful canvas! Whether you're petite and curvy, tall and slender, or something in between, there's a Sexy Birthday Dress For Women waiting to be your perfect match. Empire waist dresses create a flowing silhouette that flatters all body types. Wrap dresses with their cinched waist showcase your hourglass figure. And for those who love to flaunt their curves, a bodycon dress offers a sleek and sexy look.

Match the Vibe:  Is your birthday a fancy dinner soiree or a wild night out with your closest crew? A timeless little black dress with statement heels exudes sophistication for a formal setting. But if you're planning on dancing the night away, a sequined mini dress is the perfect way to catch the light and become the center of attention.

Explore Color and Texture: Don't be afraid to step outside your comfort zone and experiment! A bold red dress commands attention while a shimmering metallic number adds a touch of glam. Lace and velvet offer a touch of old-world elegance, while playful prints can inject a fun and flirty vibe.

Sexy Birthday Dress Inspiration to Make You Shine

Here are some specific Sexy Birthday Dress For Women ideas to turn you into the ultimate birthday gift:

The LBD with a Twist:  The little black dress is a classic, but you can personalize it to make a statement. Opt for a unique neckline like a plunging V-neck or a one-shoulder design, adding some extra oomph to your look.

The Off-the-Shoulder Stunner:  Show off your delicate shoulders and collarbone with an off-the-shoulder dress. This style is both elegant and effortlessly sexy, perfect for an evening celebrating you.

The Leg Slit Sensation:  A dress with a well-placed slit adds a touch of leggy appeal without being overly revealing. It's a great way to showcase your toned legs and turn heads with a hint of mystery.

The High-Low Drama Queen:  This playful dress is perfect for dancing the night away. The shorter front allows for freedom of movement, while the longer back adds a touch of elegance, creating a dramatic silhouette that will have everyone talking.

Remember, the most important accessory you wear is your confidence. So pick a Sexy Birthday Dress For Women that makes you feel incredible, own your power, and get ready to celebrate YOU!

With a vast selection of Sexy Birthday Dresses For Women available, you're sure to find the perfect one to transform you into the show-stopping gift of your birthday celebration!

[premiumlightingsolutions]

5 Suggestions for Succession in Lighting in a Modern Indian Kitchen

Let's be honest, Indian homes revolve around the kitchen. It's where the real magic happens – whether it's whipping up a delicious meal, recreating grandma's secret recipes, or the entire family huddled together for a cozy meal. In today's modern Indian homes, the kitchen deserves to look as good as the food tastes. And what better way to spruce it up than with some clever lighting?

The Hanging Wonders

You know those fancy hanging lights for the kitchen that dangle from the ceiling? Yeah, those are called pendant lights, and they can instantly zhuzh up your cooking space. Imagine some stylish pendants hanging above your kitchen island or dining table, casting a warm, cozy glow that makes everything look inviting. You can go for sleek, minimalist designs or opt for bold, attention-grabbing pieces – it's all about finding something that reflects your personal style while illuminating your culinary haven.

The Ceiling Stunners

Now, if you prefer a more subtle, streamlined look, ceiling lights for kitchens like recessed lighting might be your jam. These little gems are installed flush with the ceiling, providing an even, gentle light that eliminates any pesky shadows or dark corners. No more squinting or straining your eyes while cooking – with recessed lighting, every nook and cranny is bathed in a warm, cozy radiance, making prepping and cooking a breeze.

The Flexible Friends

For those who value versatility, ceiling lights for kitchens like track lighting could be your new BFF. These adjustable light heads can be positioned to highlight specific areas, like your shiny countertops, that fancy cooking range, or even your prized crockery collection displayed on shelves. With track lighting, you can create a customized lighting scheme that adapts to your ever-changing needs, ensuring your kitchen always looks its best.

The Unsung Heroes

Let's not forget the unsung heroes of kitchen lighting: under-cabinet lights. These discreet fixtures, tucked away beneath your upper cabinets, provide ample illumination for all your countertop tasks, from chopping veggies to delicately garnishing your masterpieces. No more squinting or straining – with hanging lights for the kitchen like these, your culinary creations will be executed with precision and panache.

The Artistic Harmony

But why stop at just one type of lighting? To truly elevate your modern Indian kitchen, consider combining various hanging lights for the kitchen and ceiling lights for kitchens to create a harmonious, multi-dimensional lighting experience. Imagine the warm glow of ambient pendant lights complemented by the focused task lighting from under-cabinet fixtures, and accented by the dramatic flair of decorative wall sconces or cove lighting.

Conclusion

In the heart of your modern Indian home, the kitchen deserves to shine as brightly as the love and passion that goes into every dish you create. So, embrace these illuminating suggestions, and let your kitchen radiate with warmth, style, and an inviting ambiance that will make every meal a truly memorable experience. Trust us, your culinary adventures are about to get a whole lot brighter.

[lindsaywesker]

Good morning! I hope you slept well and feel rested? Currently sitting at my desk, in my study, attired only in my blue towelling robe, enjoying my first cuppa of the day. Welcome to Throwback Thursday!

Many thanks to everyone that contributed to WEDNESDAY WORDS. Every week, it just gets better! Thanks to those that contribute, and thanks to those that read and leave a ‘like’ or ‘love’. As you can see, some contributions really resonate with people. Yesterday’s winner was top DJ, David Lyn with, “Your heart can never be broken by your enemies, in almost all situations, it’s by those you love, or who say they love you.” This is not a direct quote from anyone or anywhere, so I think we shall have to attribute this wisdom to David himself!

On this page, ‘Throwback Thursday’ is all about memories. So, what do you remember? If I was to say the word JEALOUSY what immediately comes to mind?

What a word, eh? What an unbelievably powerful emotion! This emotion causes people to murder the ones they (allegedly) love. I used to be a jealous person but then I grew up. You can’t control love. If someone loves you, you can’t control it. If someone stops loving you, you can’t control that either. Trying to control someone does not work! You can’t control anyone! In fact, trying to control someone kills your relationship stone dead! I wrote about this in my 20-minute book ‘The Crap Husband’s Guide To A Successful Marriage.” Don’t get upset if your wife flirts with another man. It does NOT mean she’s planning on having an affair. Women love flirting and they love the attention they receive. I could have gone out with an ordinary-looking woman if I’d wanted, but I decided to date an absolute stunner! Of course, The Trouble receives a lot of attention every day! I’d be shocked if she didn’t. She’d be shocked if she didn’t. I don’t get jealous anymore. What’s the point? If someone cheats on you, what can you do? You have a choice. You can stay or you can leave. People stay for a variety of reasons. People leave for a variety of reasons. As we have so little control over love, jealousy is illogical and pointless. And yet we all feel that tinge, don’t we? We all get overcome by The Green-Eyed Monster every now and then. That is one of life’s certainties.

So, on this Throwback Thursday, what kind of memories or emotions does the word JEALOUSY conjure up for you?

Yesterday was a very enjoyable day. Got most of my work finished by 1.00, which allowed me to go out for a walk. Shock horror! At 1.00, the sun was hot and I was grateful for my factor 50 sun block. Walking in the fresh air serves SO many purposes. It gets so many of your body parts working. My TikTok and Instagram feeds are full of chiropractors because I’ve become obsessed with these clips. It dates back to my father visiting conductor Leonard Bernstein in his New York dressing room. Standing behind him was a man pulling clumps of his hair very quickly and, every time he did, you could hear a click. Bernstein said this was blood rushing through. He had a full head of thick hair well into his sixties, so it worked. And, with a violent and dramatic click, it’s amazing to see these patients get stress relief from their chiropractor. Too many people spend too many hours scrunched-up in front of their PC or laptop. We shrink ourselves with our bad habits and we stress ourselves into a virtual rigor mortis. Get up, go out, stretch your legs, lean back and breathe!

Have a throbbing and thrusting Thursday (with hopefully a few thrills through your thoroughfare?) I love you all.

[the-japanflorist]

Send Flowers To Tokyo For Your Mother On Special Day!

Mother's Day comes on May 14th, and you might be thinking about planning a present for your maternal figure to express how much you appreciate them. Flower arrangements are just two of the many wonderful gift options that can be delivered to your loved ones. To help you with your Mother's Day buying, we've compiled a list of flowers from japan flower delivery online that we believe are important to consider across a range of price ranges and styles.

Roses

Roses represent more than simply romance. They may represent a variety of emotions: yellow represents friendliness, while soft pink represents joy and admiration. Roses are also quite gorgeous, and these delicate flowers are guaranteed to make her smile.

Tulips

With some cheerful spring tulips, you may celebrate the finest of the season. They come in a variety of colors, so you could choose mum's favourite or surprise her with a colorful rainbow stunner.

Lush Lilies

Lilies, a favourite flower for Mother's Day, usually steal the stage. Its eye-catching, large blooms come in an array of gentle and dramatic colors, allowing you to select the perfect one for mum and send flowers to tokyo.

Orchids

The orchid is the flower to choose for the fashionable mother, the woman who enjoys new clothes, unusual stylings, and bright colours. They are the most "evolved" of blooming plants and occur in a broad range of sizes and hues.. If you’re wondering which color to get, try pink, which represents elegance, poise and femininity.

Carnations

Carnation is perfect flower to send on Mother's Day! Each of the hues in this gorgeous cut flower represents a distinct meaning. Pink carnations represent thanks and affection. Light red carnations represent affection and adoration. Dark crimson carnations show love and affection. White daisies are a popular flower to present or wear in memory of a deceased mother.

There is no better way to express your admiration and thanks to your mother this Mother's Day by sending mothers day gift to japan.

[dmikaelamiranda]

3 Eye Makeup Ideas To Try for Your Next Concert Makeup Look

Article for: Internship Application

Written on: April 20, 2023

These eye-catching eye makeup ideas will take your concert look into another level!

Concerts are definitely a fun and exciting way for us to practice with our makeup routines and experiment with new makeup looks that are stunning and an absolute head-turner. Attending our favorite idol’s live concert is a once-in-a-lifetime experience, so it is of utmost importance that we take our time in planning ahead of what our concert look will be like! 

When I attended the Clark Music Festival in 2022, I dedicated a few days choosing my killer outfit as well as practicing my makeup routine for that coming concert back then. One way you can do for you to slay your concert look is to do your makeup in the best way that you can, and that includes having a flawless and sweat-proof base, long-lasting lippie, and a stunning eye makeup look. Perfecting your makeup look when attending your most-awaited idol’s concert is a must, so here are 3 different eye makeup ideas that you should try for your next concert makeup look:

1.  Add a pop of color on the inner corner of your eyes

One way to play with your eyeshadow palette that will surely elevate your whole look is to add a pop of bright color on the inner corner of your eyes! To achieve this, you can just put on some cute neutral colors on the base of your eyelids and add a little sparkle to your eyes by layering on shimmer eyeshadow as well. Now, for the fun part – make sure to add that bright eyeshadow on the inner corner of your eyes! Remember: the choice of the eyeshadow color for this eye makeup look can depend on the fandom color of the artist's concert you are attending, which can be a great way to show our profound love and support for our idols! Don’t forget that dramatic falsies to complete the look.

2. Incorporate rhinestones and glitters

Have you seen makeup looks that are inspired by the TV show ‘Euphoria’ and wanted to achieve a similar look? You can absolutely rock that trendy style by incorporating rhinestones and lots of glitters on your eyelids. Just make sure to find a great face makeup glue for you to apply those stunning face gems. As for the glitters, you can wear this alongside with your face gems by scattering them all over your eyelids. Alternatively, you can also place your rhinestones in a winged-eyeliner style, which is a look that will surely make you stand out in the crowd!

3. Draw iconic eyeliner looks

The versatility of an eyeliner as a makeup product can do wonders to our whole makeup look. With various eyeliner color choices and eyeliner styles, achieving this look can be done in numerous ways. One eyeliner look you can try is to draw eyeliner strokes that will outline your whole eyelid, and don’t forget to draw a wing that complements your eye shape! You can also do this by using colored eyeliner, such as white and neon colors. Lastly, you can try drawing eyeliner styles with two (2) different eyeliner colors that are beautifully layered with one another!

Overall, these eye makeup ideas can make you look and feel good when you’re about to see the ~love of your life~, aka your favorite idol’s concert. Alongside these stunner makeup looks, ensure to pick a concert outfit that will make you feel confident but comfortable, because it will be a no brainer that you’ll surely scream at the top of your lungs while singing along to the concert jam. Savor the concert feels while slaying your look, Candy Girls!

All photo-inspirations are from Pinterest.

[thehayleytake]

The Best Party Shoes for Holiday 2022

If you are a shoe person or shoe collector like me, the holidays are a delight because designers often release their most creative designs around the holiday season. I love looking at different designer’s holiday collections and seeing which party shoes I would like to add. Whether you are needing a pair for your upcoming holiday party or to add to your wishlist, this list will has 8 amazing shoes that  would either be a conversation piece at your upcoming holiday party or a delight to open underneath the Christmas tree.  

Cheers to this Holiday 2022- Here are some of my favorite holiday shoes to kick it off right!

1.    Jimmy Choo Satin Saeda 100 Fuchsia Satin Pumps with Crystal Embellishment, $1095

Photo Credit: us.jimmychoo.com

With its punchy hot pink satin fabric and estate jewelry mimicking ankle strap, these gorgeous heels has a delicate crystal chain that have the look of a tennis bracelet, and and a dangling charm on the side and the top of the heel.   Perfect for dancing the night away!

Keep the rest of your outfit minimal-  try this LBD.  They can also be worn with an oversized sweater and slightly oversized denim.  Nonetheless, your shoes will be a standout and a conversation piece wherever you where them!

2.     Aquazurra Tequila Plexi Sandal in Red, $810

Photo credit: aquazurra.com

Cha Cha Cha! These stunners just scream party and have a somewhat tropical vibe.  They also com in Yellow, Blue, Black, Green, White and Pink (in case you want to get all of them!), all on the web at various discounted prices.  

Pair it with this flouncy white party Self Portrait Dress for your next holiday party.  For getting coffee, it is great with this striped sweater, these wide leg Joes Jeans, and the sandals peek through every time you take a step.  Chef’s Kiss!

3.     Lauren Ralph Lauren Gabriele Metallic Leather Sandal $135

Photo Credit: ralphlauren.com

A strappy, wearable shoe that looks more expensive without breaking the bank and has the look of upscale designers, thanks to the croc-embossed finish.  One that you will pull out for many future occasions! It a 3.4 in heel (90 mm)  has the look of high end shoes like the Jimmy Choo Azia  but with more of a metallic finish.  

This is probably the most wearable shoe on the list.  Some of the most interesting ways to wear it include an all white look, (adding a hat makes it ever more put together) or with any jewel toned dress or gown.

4.     Loeffler Randall Penny Gold Mule, $316

Photo Credit: loefflerrandall.com

Mules have never been one of my favorite styles- they can be hard to wear, they always fall off of your feet, and many are just flat out unflattering. But this one is different.  It has been around for a few seasons but it deserves a special honor because it is incredibly special and is a must have in every woman’s wardrobe. Known as the Penny, it has become an icon, with celebrities such as Margot Robbie as fans and many less expensive lookalikes on the market.  It also comes in a metallic white called Almond, a dusty pink called Beauty, a rusty burnt red called Terracotta, Platinum, Dark Silver, and Black. It has a 3.5 inch heel hight. It also comes in a lower heel height version called the Emilia with only 2 inches of heel height.  The Penny really takes the cake with the higher heel height, it’s lower heel Emilia cousin seems almost pointless.  

Loeffler Randal’s website is having the Something Special Sale going  on right now, with 20% off all shoes, and the Penny has an additional 20% on top of that, taking it down to the unbelievable price of $252.80- it never gets better than this. I have seen it at 25% off at Bloomingdales and Nordstrom in the past, taking down to $295.

In terms of dresses, this one has dramatic balloon like sleeves, leaving the gold heels as a dramatic finish.

5.     Fendi Gold Nappa Leather High Heeled boots, $1950

Photo Credit: Fendi.com

Fendi has some of the most interesting and unexpected shoes on the market, one of which being this shoe. This special heel, a continual theme throughout their latest collection, with kitten heels, and other boots it various colors and finishes (including a gorgeous tall black boot and these equally amazing black velvet bootie.  With a striking gold finish and invisible heel, these shoes are truly unexpected and stunning. 

For a daytime look, add these wide leg Derek Lam cropped sailor pants in black or these black coated flared Joes Jeans and a band tee. 

Another way to style these is to pair with these or these Spanx leggings for another cool girl look.

6. Jimmy Choo Aveline 100 Bow-Detailed Satin Sandals, $995

Photo Credit: netaporter.com

Jimmy Choo never fails to deliver with a standout shoe like this one for their holiday collection.  With strategic bow placement and a vivid fuscia silk satin fabric, this shoe is extremely feminine, eye catching, and incredibly festive.   Add this festive little black dress with embellished straps  to set the stage for the shoes, or this other black a-line black dress with dotted pearls for a statement. 

7.    Christian Louboutin Sandale Du Desert 100 Satin Sandals, $995

Photo Credit: netaporter.com 

Christian Louboutin never fails when delivering creativity and innovation with every collection, each having a unique backstory to the the creative process of its development.  Named the Greekabas collection, the collection is is inspired by Louboutin’s travels throughout the grecian seas and to Athens.

This sandal was a standout from the collection. With gorgeous silk satin fabric and big ankle bows it call to attention to the smallest parts of the leg with dramatic bows in a punchy, saturated yellow.    

For your next black tie holiday soire, pair it with this festive black LaMarque ostrich feather dress.   Dress it down post holiday by pairing it with this polka dot Zimmerman Dress for next spring/summer and many more years to come.  

8.    Mach and Mach Double Crystal Bow Heels, $995

Photo Credit: shopbop.com

Known as the post-pandemic shoe  of 2022.  

Favorites of celebrities Dua Lipa, Joan Smalls, and  Sophia Vergara, and the Kardashians the line was started in 2012 by Tblisi, Georgian sisters Nina and Gvantsa Macharashvili, with their line having a continual theme of jewel encrusted, breathtaking, Cinderella-vibes shoes.   They even have a shoe that is red and jewel encrusted, like a modern Ruby slipper.  

An interesting way to pair their bestselling double bow heel in pink would be with these tops and bottoms for an out and about pajama-inspired look. 

What are your favorite festive, party shoes? Ones that you have in your closet, or ones that you want in your closet? Leave in the comments below!

[eth3real-ess3nce]

How I would handle each moon sign's bad mood (my experience)

Aries moon - I would let you spam our chat with your venting. I had this one friend with his moon in aries and he was so freaking bold about what bothered him. So go ahead, vent to me with no filter. I will listen and acknowledge what fucks with your head. Be as edgy as you like. Yes baby, break this chair too. When you finish, I'll let you know that you don't have anything to prove to the world. It's not you against them. It's you against you. I'll make you see that you have set extremely high standards for yourself and you barely acknowledge your own strengths. Some people can't see it because they don't function in your pace. You're an innovator, love. Own it.

Taurus moon - Honestly, these folks just want to be left alone. They'll talk about it later. Meanwhile, I'll provide you with what makes you comfortable the most , either snacks or something that soothes your senses. Yeah, taurus=senses, cliche huh? But am I wrong? Comfort movie? Blanket? Little kiss on the forehead? I know you want it. When you decide to talk about it, I'll make sure to boost the way you feel about yourself. Because deep down, you give and give to others but, it's like a subconscious act in order to feel that you're worthy of something.

Gemini moon - I'll let you talk, and talk and talk.. and talk. Let me know about everything that concerns you about the matter you're upset about. Each of your perceptions. I'll just listen and reassure you because you need to know that your thoughts and opinions matter. I'll also let you crack a joke just so you break the awkward feeling of being too emotional in front of me. I'll laugh along, but I'd secretly pray that you stopped feeling embarrassed for being human and having feelings.

Cancer moon - I would look into your eyes, which are always filled with gentleness, and let you know that I'm always a safe space for you. Cancer has a sweet tooth, how about some chocolate to soothe your inner turmoil? Or some freshly baked homemade cookies? Most cancer moons stay to themselves; no matter how much they open up to you, they always have a safe distance. You're so in touch with your emotional world so I trust you with your outbursts. But that doesn't mean you I won't allow you to bury yourself inside my embrace when things get too rough.

Leo moon - Your heart feels warm and it is loyal, but there's pride in there as well. I know you value my friendship but you don't want to be too vulnerable. We'll talk about your moodiness and I'll lift you up. Heck, you're awesome and you're radiant and you need to be reminded about it. I'll take your photos and make loud dramatic noises because I admire your regal presence so much. Even if you don't think you're a stunner, it's my duty now to make you feel so.

Virgo moon - You push everyone away from truly getting into your head, don't you? I'd let you know that doing multiple things at once isn't very.. helpful. No you won't escape from your own mind this way! I'll do the bed for you. I'll do your hair for you. I'll put your favourite tunes on and I'll smile as you won't resist quietly singing the lyrics. If you don't even want to be involved with the song, that's when I'll know the mood is REALLY bad.. but even then, I will not leave you alone with your self-deprecating thoughts.

Libra moon - Honestly, I'd shower you with compliments. The genuine ones, of course. I'd listen to what you have to say and I'd remark on your intellect. Something fine would instantly improve your mood. Your favourite glass of wine? Getting out to try some perfumes on our skins? Gifting you a skin lotion that has your favorite scent? All with a big smile on my face, trying to match yours. <3

Scorpio moon - I wouldn't tire you into opening up to me and I wouldn't comment on your smoking habit either. I'd let you know you can express your dullness around me whenever you have the blues. You're a water moon though, you have to know I am considerate of your emotions. Scorpio is a fixed sign, originally ruled by mars. People label you as difficult. But you just consistently do what you think is the right thing to do. Doesn't everyone want that for themselves? Well, you just tend to see deeper. And at times, through the opposite of what's called rose-tinted glasses.

Sagittarius moon - You know your emotional reactions are extra. You don't have to be reminded by other people. Your whole life philosophy takes form based on your emotional experiences. I know it's difficult for you to move on even if your moon is in a flighty, fun sign. Deep down you'd like to belong somewhere, it just has to be a place where you don't worry about a damn thing. My dear, I'd take car rides with you to nowhere and let you blast your favourite songs. I'd see places with you, laugh at your snarky comments about off-looking strangers we meet and play dares, until your pain conceals completely in the moment.

Capricorn moon - Just like cancer moon, you are aware of your inner turmoil. You know what you need in order to have your waters calmed. But nine out of ten times, it's a self destructive method. "It is what it is", you love chanting. You don't want others to be bothered by your emotions because it's " not productive" and it's "time consuming" . Nevertheless I'll treat you like my baby and praise you for your work because you just really need to be seen. Yes I'll get this thing done for you just how you like it. Similar to cancer moon, as I said, you prefer to have your alone time when you have the blues. You want to handle it alone because you believe you have found the best solutions. Regardless, I'll hold your hand while you're trying to recollect your sense of self.

Aquarius moon - We're going to celebrate for you being the odd one out instead of mourning about it. There's no way you're full of flaws, right? I'll try to pull the best jokes for you and listen to your strong rants as well. You do need to socialise but you also need to isolate when you feel off, so you can brood in peace. I'll let you know that you're so appreciated and all your selfless acts mean everything. Nahh, you're not an a*shole. To me, you're my ratchet friend. You're a star the world isn't advanced enough for. I'll try to teach you patience, for your own good.

Pisces moon - For you, I won't boost your self-deprecating lifestyle and thought patterns. You always love to whine to me about how sensitive and ridiculously fragile you are. I simply must let you know that sensitivity is one of the biggest virtues to possess out there. Most of the time you're two fish swimming in a loop, inside a palm sized pond. Aren't you tired of swimming in the same old comfortable waters? You're originally ruled by Jupiter for Christ's sake! Own your ability to expand! Jupiter favours you in ways you never imagined. Just tap into it. I know you can be naive but that doesn't overturn how smart you are. You just want someone to rejuvenate your faith and I know I have to be that someone.

[1111jenx]

libra risings /1H for sureee 🥰🥰🥰

Hey luv,

Since a lot of people has been asking for this and I realized I have not yet to post an air rising post yet, let's start off with one of my personal favourite rising signs, Libra Rising🌸

Libra Rising/ Venus in the first house

my full rising series can be found here

Venusians are stunners, let's be honest here it's not even something new to people. They can honestly have the most unconventional (air) beauty ever but generally, they're still so sooo attractive for some reason🥰

they look approachable. they simply do omg. lemme elaborate on this!! venus is already a very sociable planet and is loved universally. hence people can immediately like them upon the first meeting. if they don't have harsh aspects or other placements that cancel this out, they generally look extremely chill and laidback.

^ even the men with this placement can look so soooo easy going or they might know literally everyone. like trust me on this i'm surrounded by libra rising guys🥲

their partners are usually kinda um... lowkey aggressive? or their relationship/love life can be a bit chaotic than others🤣 they like this tho. they love it when people bring out their wilder sides (aries 7H)

omg i have to talk abt this!!! the straight men with libra rising(esp if they have aqua/leo placements) are SUPER PRIDEFUL!!!!! the type to like being on top in the bedroom to assert "dominance"💀💀 but if well aspected would be down to switch though.

the type to be sippin the tea HOT. but wouldn't necessarily get into drama because they're so "over it" because when they were younger, they may have been a bit dramatic and had so many beef with people LOLLL

family oriented people if well aspected (capricorn 4H) HOWEVER, if there are harsh aspects to their 4H ruler, very much likely to have grown up in a strict home, or home that are too hard on them and expect them to thrive "academically". when they were little they were taught social cues and manners pretty early on, were very much aware of why security and stability matter😌 they want to raise their children this way too, are actually pretty realistic people!

^ one or both parents/parental figure was very very VERYY conservative and may have tried to make them conform to these values. the type that tend to grow up faster in terms of social skills. libra risings hesitate to show their real emotions a lot!!!!!!! could be closer to one parent than the others, see this parents as their "ally".

i've noticed that libra risings women are highkey daddy's girls🥺 their mom may have tried to spoil them wayyyy too much but/and was also strict to them?? they hesitate to show a lot of emotions as they truly hate how their parents would use emotions to guilt trip them.

libra men can also be closer to their dad!! usually come to their dad/father figure for advices🖤

despite all of this, a part of them will always have their family back. the more water houses they have, the higher chance they're closer to their family.

yes. they are naturally charming. can you blame them tho? these individuals make connects like no others, would literally start talking to their uber for fun. they like harmony and learning more about people! they like discussing about deeper aspects of life too🤣 you wouldn't expect this from them though as sometimes venus energy can be seen as superficial HAHAH, but that sag 3H means they are so happy discussing philosophy, adventures, life experiences or even one's belief. libra risings make great conversationalist when they put in the effort!!!!

will sound like they don't really care sometimes though, give off the "unbothered" vibes but trust me. they do. they seem so careless with their words but they will almost never slip up. smarter than people think.

they're actually so criticizing sometimes. and they know this omg my libra rising friends learn to shut her mouth now because her dumbass slipped up once and told someone to "mop your floor" because she can "see dusts all over it and some muddy shoes prints"💀💀 like please shut up.

EXTRA JUDGMENTAL WHEN THEYRE DRUNK. will never tell you what they rly think unless they're close to you🤣(virgo 12H) their need to be liked is insane. softer aspects physically can't take it knowing someone hates them for no reason.

they don't notice how they actually love being of service to people they care. it's actually scary. i blame their virgo 12H this, literally don't realize how sacrificial they're being with their loved ones sometimes.

lowkey believe that "jealous is very flattering👍🏼😌"said this as a denial and coping mechanism HAHAHAHA

their relationship with their siblings are complicated LOL, but generally fairly giving and dedicated yet can be hella competitive at times??

suffers between their head and their heart all.the.time.💀 a part of them are sooo excited walking into the unknown but the other part hates this, control issues deep down (virgo 12H) so prone to let others use them tbh. please don't do yourself like that.

^ realistic & a dreamer. they dream BIG, but also are so scared of what the future have for them.

not aware of how they are actually people pleaser🦋 strong need to be liked. if you're benefiting them in some way they'd never forget it and would try to reciprocate you!! know how to get people to assist them.

ability to make people feel special, loved and important LMAO my boyfriend used to pull one if his classics on me while we were talking "i've never met someone like you before" "you're so different" LOLLLLL he thinks i'm that basic and stupid huh😃

warning: libra risings men + water/air influence= hoes. my bf also says i can say this so there you goes ladies. its out there.

women are honestly so hot they can play however they want:/ if they decided to have fun with you be appreciative😌 they're pretty picky dear and if you know you're not even all that, take a good look and see if you're benefiting them in some way HAHAHAHAHAHA

ok i'm sorry for wronging a lot of libra risings here. but what's with yall and obsessing over your physical health? libra risings = self care. they just clean themselves so well?? does that sound weird? mentally sick when they arent physicslly healthy too!! the type to have 14 skin care steps or intense beauty routine🤣

value youth and beauty. love loveeeee intense arts and arts that are complex than usual! ( scorpio 2H ) artistically gifted in some way! may inherited a lot of money fron their family if harmonious. other wise its simply extreme.

scorpio 2H discuss wealth gained by prior generations. it can also talk abt debt. very tiring connections with finance or managed their finance very well!! they might be very lowkey with their financial situation though, feel like they shouldn't open up too much about their finances!

obsessed with sex. sex = basic needs. (taurus 8H) thrives on sex too!! intense, soul deep sex can get them so so turned on.

otherwise may actually have the potential of making money off sex. can become hella wealthy off sex if they have more beneficial! (think people making 7k a week on onlyfans🥰)

goofy. sense of humour that feels so personal and will roast you pretty well once y'all are close!

they LOVE their friends omg. like they literally take pride in their friends. if you're dating a libra rising they'd make sure that you are good with their friends. if not they'd be lowkey sad:( Honestly if placed with even more fixed placements in their 11H, watch them donate their kidneys to their friends omg💀🥰 sees the best in their friends and their friendships are usually pretty public! are so picky though so maybe very sociable but have a tight cirlce. (leo 11H)

may follow a career thats popular in their family of consult their family when it comes to career wise issues!! (cancer 10H)! come to the parent that they're closer to for professional matters. a need to be rich so they can be a provider for their family🥺🥺🥺

these natives can be soooo interested in astrology though!!! may start off as a curiosity but if they have more 9H in their charts they would literally LOVE to learn more about spirituality!!! (gemini 9H) also, lowkey are hella superstitious😌 my bff is a virgo sun libra rising and she would go on and on on how she's an atheist and astrology doesn't make sense but would always write down everything i tell her in her notepads during mercury retrograde or some significant astrological events💀💀 so much for hating on us huh

so many interests! they can have a lot of hidden talents! know a lil bit of everything and could have been super active in school! they were those charming kids in debate clubs while juggling between student council or a sport team🤣 they love learning so much and once given freedom, they would honestly thrive✨

the type that would want to give their children EVERYTHING. they would want their children to be able to interact with the world on a deeper level. may teach their children the importance of free will, self discovery and individuality! will want their children to be socially active and charitable🖤( aquarius 5H )

"lets fuck and put no labels on it" this is what they'd most likely to say to their s/o but watch them end up dating a person for yearssssss if they met the right one😌 most likely to grow feelings for a friend w benefits, will either ghost them because they're terrified of deeper connection but the other part of them CRAVE commitment and would wanna eventually settle down! (unless they have bad aspects to 5H and 7H rulers)

fun fact: have you met a couple with double libra risings? well i have and trust me, libra risings just gravitate towards one another its scary. they vibe so well around people who think like them and despite saying "yeah im open to anyone and anything" they're not. i'd know this💀💀

don't want to hurt your feelings if they think you're pleasant so will lie to protect you. i'm serious. you have to look at their eyes to tell if they're lying. notice their tone too HAHAH it's so obvious. my libra rising friends and s/o lying to calm my butthurt leo rising like "😃👍🏼 yes babe that looks fAbUlOuS on you" like shut upppp💀 yall think i'm blind huhhhh

okay but for real, if they want to, they could have get away with anything simply by manipulating. people oftentimes don't think they're capable of lying for some reason??? probably the venus energy covering their asses🥲

for a long term partner, they need a psycho that matches their level. they know their worth honey. but also need someone who understand their indecisive and FORGIVING nature. once they love you they put so much efforts into it. they want to enjoy the ride while it lasts! (aries 7H)

can't make a decision immediately. and they also shouldn't. give them time to process stuff. dont push for an answer they'll look physically uncomfortable 😀

not the type to start talking shits about people to others that they don't know well. like yeah they're wayyyy more opinionated than you know(and they like it that way) but they're not gonna sabotage their life&the harmony by telling you what they "truly think"💀 they don't trust you if they agree with everything you say, there i said it.

it's so funny but they're literally freaking geniuses when they're high(on weed) like come on💀 their productivity increase insanely when they're on something. watch them do a 10 pages of work in under an hour LOL

^ i think people don't discuss this enough. they get detached from ppl because they know they get addicted pretty fast, especially if you become a part of their lives. and they're pretty selective, so they don't allow themselves.

can detach like this ✨ literally a blink of an eye and you're gone💗 (only if they never cared deeply for you, if not, they'll always reach out randomly)

ohhh also, i know way too much libra risings who are stoners LMFAOOOO esp with pisces/cancer moon/taurus moon get help yall😐💀💀

libra rising+fixed venus are so fucking possesive lowkey. over their friends AND their lovers. my libra rising besties hated one another before they had the chance to meet because they were lowkey possesive over me🤩 just kidding but not really. my leo dom ass feel appreciated okay🌸

spectacular style. the women are so soooo charming they could pull off any aesthetic!! the men dress so well or always look very stylist. like it when you compliment their styles (take notes ladies) my s/o get such an ego boost when i compliment on his styles rather than his looks😐 trust me their cocky asses know they're hot. dont feed into their ego dear.

(surprisingly) emotional. yeah i know, its always the cold ones that feel the most. their flighty ass will be there for you and try to make jokes to cheer you up tho.

(surprisingly) low self esteem. especially when it comes to their partners or close circle. they feel as if they're not "physically good enough"? i know a lot of libra risings that tend to be very lost until they find their own styles.

have wayyyyyyyyy too much haters for their own sakes. when they were younger they could have been so much more aggressive and as they grow older they just got more relaxed. people may sometimes make random comments on their appearance and business? they're either loved or hated immediately by people.

"i dont care lol" they do. trust me. they do. if they didn't they would have blocked you wouldnt they? but they're still talking.

rational about others issues. impulsive with their own.

say HORRIBLE stuff when they're angry but never rly means it, they know how to damage your egos like no others.

good vibes only mentality✨🌸💗 they don't need any bad energy in their life!!

Soooo here are some very biased( and honest) as well as some details I've noticed from Libra rising natives hehehe. My Leo rising keeps attracting so much of them it's annoying at this point HAHAHA. just kidding but i love taurus/libra energy and my friend asked me not to expose them further so this post barely scratched the surface tbh🤭 I'm just saying, if you're trusted and confided in by a Libra rising, you're different.

love,

saint jenx🦋

[astroohoe]

Moon with Rahu in the Horoscope

Moon with Rahu in the Horoscope

environments, therefore it is very important that such a person choose their environment with utmost awareness and strive for the friendship of those more evolved and pure, otherwise they will copy many unsavory behaviors and lifestyles-after all Rahu is a demonic being in Astrological Mythology and as such strives to trap us into deep matter of strong desires, physical pursuits and compulsive behaviors. A moon Rahu person will be like gate for attracting these Rahu experiences!

Moon

If you have a child with this combination make sure you monitor their environment and interests as they often are drawn to more taboo and dangerous such and pick them up fast, which can mess up with their minds. But, if they are surrounded by better role models, they will easily absorb these influences too! Usually the Rahu Moon person will like the glamorous, wild, crazy, over the top, extreme and rebellious role models so the world can suck them in with all its temptations and they will dive in! Rahu is depicted as a Dragon’s head which just wants to swallow everything and when with the Moon-which is one’s most ingrained way of behaving, these people can easily become insatiable and stray into addictions. Korntney Love: Moon with Rahu

courtney love

Nothings is ever enough, they go to extremes in everything! Hence this is one of the most common combinations for people with addictive obsessive tendencies, especially females. The key here is to realize that the Rahu Moon person is extreme and obsessive and make this work to their favour, so they can just as easily develop obsessions for healthy habits: working out, eating healthy, meditating, focusing on an interest or a hobby which they will do with the same voracity and compulsive need as the bad habits!

Art

I have seem many Rahu Moon people who become from unhealthy addicts(love, food, drugs, etc) into healthy such and achieve the most powerful life transformations-and the success they would have would be a feat of wonder due to this intense obsessive nature they would do it with. For example I have the same combination and astrology became my addiction, before that was running, before that religion. So the answer for you Rahu/Moon people is: don’t try not to be obsessive, it is your nature, but learn to be obsessive over the right things. Rahu Moon person, never has an ordinary life, as Rahu is such an dramatic and changeable influence, giving them a lot of reversal and big changes in life, which make for a great book but can be draining and exhausting sometimes for the person. This will be the woman who married a few times, dated a celebrity, travelled the world, learned to dance with snakes, made a million dollar company, then sold it, became a monk for a year, etc etc! lol I mean it can look amazing from outside but it is a roller coaster. But the person needs this, when things get too routine and smooth, a Rahu Moon person will self sabotage some area of life to create some emotional drama, as this is what they are used to and what they feel natural in.

Emotional

Men are very attracted to Moon Rahu women, even if they are not stunners, because the Rahu externalizes and exaggerates whatever planet it is with, in this case the Moon—the emotional reactions of the woman, so they have emotional “transparency”, “honesty” and expressiveness which is very alluring to men, at least initially. They give off the impression of amazingly powerful female energy(Moon) which men can go mad over, but it is externalized such, while inside these women tend to lack this femininity and emotional poise, so they can be some of the most difficult women to be with! Rahu is also always hungry, so these women tend to feel like their emotional needs are never fully satisfied, so they need more and more and can be often in a state of discontent and emotionalism. Zeta-Zones. Moon with Rahu in Pisces Kim Basinger. Moon with Rahu in Capricorn

Zeta Kim

But anyway men tend to throw themselves at the Rahu Moon women initially because of this powerful but misleading feminine magnetism they give off. Also Rahu is a very sexy, smoking influence, giving the owners of Rahu Moon an exotic sultry vibe which is very irresistible to others(especially if it is a woman with Rahu Moon) A male with this combination does not shows so much emotionalism or drama, but tends to attract such women in his life-sexy and different but also troublesome. Moon shows how receptive he can be to the needs of his partner and when with Rahu, this male will be sensitive but somehow not able to pick up on what his female partner really needs or feels. With age these difficult tendencies of Rahu will decrease and in late 30-ties and early 40-ties one, will become more settled emotionally and in control of their inner emotional world, but they should get ready for a hell of a ride before that! To keep things easier make sure you live in pure environment, with positive people around you, little pollutants and clean light food. Rahu rules all toxins and poisons and when with the Moon which rules all the liquids in the body, the person can easily have a more toxic blood which affects happiness, well being and ultimately health. So they need to keep their blood as pure as possible by detoxing often, eating many dark green leafy vegetables, drinking hot water to flush the body, getting more early morning sun and clean air! But mostly not poisoning their mind with negative thoughts and pained thoughts. Instead learn to center their emotions through mediation and healthy but demanding interests which take care of their need for obsessive involvement.

Imagination

The Moon represents one's imagination. Rahu can really blow this one out of proportion! These people can be in their own world for hours and days at a time. Their vivid and powerful imagination can be used in two ways: to escape reality and to daydream to the point of delusion or to be unusually creative and unique with unconvetional ideas. Often the same person will manifest both of these. One's dream world and subconscious can also be very powerful, so one can have big fears and worries coming from their turbulent unconscious but can also be very intuitive and connected to the invisible worlds and once they learn to deal and master these subconsious energies, they can become powerful occult, spiritual or mass influence figures like Gandhi.