#some bonafide king shit

[dirkxcaliborn]

Actually I think Alhaitham is an absolute icon for not even caring that he has no social skills and no one likes him. Dude is Dedicated to fucking off and doing his own thing. Ppl are so insistent on projecting their own insecurities into him "you just think you're better than everyone" "you don't care about anyone if they're not smart enough" bro he doesn't care about anyone full stop. He literally doesn't care enough to compare himself to other people. Ppl act like it's a damn crime not to have any interest in socializing and he's just like umm actually you can't make me feel guilty for it :/ He's an absolute pillar of neutrality. A paragon of emotionless straightforwardness.

Idk as someone constantly wrecked with guilt every time I dare to exist in public without putting on a performance to appease complete strangers, I really admire Alhaitham for just being like "nah."

[asbealthgn]

Eddie loves funerals.

Despite what some may think, it has nothing to do with an interest in death or the supernatural—though he does have that—and it has nothing to do with loving seeing everyone dressed in black—though that is always a plus. It doesn’t even have anything to do with that phase he went through in elementary school where he got obsessed with learning about burial rituals from different cultures and recreating them with his stuffed animals (that eventually ended when his teacher called Wayne to say that Eddie really needed to stop trying to embalm his friends). 

No, Eddie’s affinity for funerals has everything to do with the fact that they’re a guaranteed source of free food. 

It’s become a bonafide pastime. He keeps an eye out in the paper for obituaries and makes note of when the funerals will be. He reads through the obituary and may do a little extra research if necessary so he has an answer ready if anyone asks him about the dearly departed. When in doubt, he can always fall back on “He was such a fixture in the community” or “She always reminded me of my grandma.” 

Of course, he only goes to funerals for old people. Anything else would be too depressing. But for old people he can show up and hang in the back while some priest or family member makes a few remarks and then hit up the buffet without raising too many eyebrows.

Eddie strikes metaphorical gold when he cracks open the obit section of the paper and sees the name Maureen Harrington—apparently, one of those Harringtons, someone’s great aunt or something. She’d been living in Chicago but she’s getting buried in Hawkins next to her parents. The name alone is a good sign; the Harringtons are rich as shit so they’re definitely gonna swing for a good spread at the memorial. Eddie’s not even worried that she was from Chicago so he shouldn’t have any reason to know who she was, because the obituary says she was a romance novelist. He’s just gotta skim one of her books so he can pass himself off as a fan.

The day of the funeral is nice and overcast. Those are the best funerals. So atmospheric. He rolls up to the funeral home with his best mourning outfit—dark button-down shirt tucked into black slacks under his most serious black coat that just so happens to have plenty of deep pockets that are great for stashing food in. He claims an empty seat at the back of the funeral home chapel so he can listen to the service. 

As memorials go, this one is remarkably formal. Guess the Harringtons are all about appearances even in death. Eddie’s favorite remarks are from Elaine Harrington, wife of infamous businessman James Harrington, who manages to both artfully brush away nonexistent tears and work in that Maureen was never married and has a bastard son. God, Eddie loves rich people.

After the service, Eddie lingers in the chapel for a few minutes so it doesn’t seem like he’s only interested in the food. Then he falls in behind a couple of old men as they head for the buffet. Decent spread—there’s some sandwiches on croissants, overly fancy crackers with spinach artichoke, a frankly bizarre amount of shrimp cocktail. The dessert is the real star of the show with multiple overflowing tables. Eddie dishes up a little of everything, surreptitiously slipping things into his coat when no one’s looking. 

“Munson,” a voice says. Shit, did someone see him shoving all those brownies into his pockets? He turns and finds himself looking into the disconcertingly beautiful honey eyes of Steve Harrington. He doesn’t actually know Steve that well—they went to high school together but they didn’t run in the same circles. He just knows of Steve because he was the most popular kid in school, the King. And Steve probably only knows of Eddie because he was the weird fucker who climbed on lunch tables to yell at people. They haven’t ever spoken.

Eddie’s not gonna pretend like he’s never lusted after the King though.

“There’s no way you knew my great aunt,” Steve says. There’s no suspicion in his voice, which is a good sign, just confusion. 

“On the contrary,” Eddie says, “I was a big fan of her work.” It’s actually not even that much of a lie anymore. He tracked down a few of Maureen Harrington’s novels and they were surprisingly good for pulpy romances with shirtless dudes riding horses on the cover. 

“You were a fan of her work,” Steve repeats, clearly disbelieving. “I’m pretty sure the target audience for those books was ‘middle-aged women in loveless marriages.’”

Eddie grins. “Okay, first of all, how dare you insult middle-aged women in loveless marriages. Second of all—” He reaches into one of his coat pockets and pulls out the book he brought. “See?” he says, tapping the cover. “I like this one because the guy looks like me.” 

He doesn’t. The only resemblance is that they both have long dark hair. But cracking half a smile, Steve nods. “It’s uncanny,” he says.

“And the girl looks like you,” Eddie says. Weirdly, she really does. She has the same slightly droopy brown eyes and pouty pink lips. Her hair’s even the same color, her bangs swooping like Steve’s do. 

“Nah, she looks like Maureen,” Steve says, “And Maureen looked like a Harrington.” He points over to where there’s a display of pictures of the deceased, including one where she’s probably in her thirties. Sure enough, she looks a lot like the woman on the book cover. Looking around the room, Eddie realizes that he’s able to pick out who the family is because they all have those same eyes. Weird.

Eddie turns back to Steve. “My point still stands.”

He shrugs. “Actually though, what are you doing here?” he asks, “Funerals are the worst.”

“I couldn’t disagree more,” Eddie says, tucking the book back into his coat pocket. “Funerals are a great place to meet people.”

Steve lifts his eyebrows. “Not sure I agree with that.”

“That hurts, Harrington,” Eddie says, clutching his hands to his heart.  “Here I thought we were really hitting it off.”

That makes Steve laugh. “You’re right,” he says, “I was just gearing up to ask if you wanted to come to my dad’s old business partner’s funeral next weekend.”

Whistling, Eddie takes a step closer, resting his hand lightly on Steve’s arm. “Second date already? You move fast.”

“What can I say?” Steve spreads his hands out to encompass the funeral around them. “Life is short.”

[tyrantisterror]

No Small Feat Art Pt. 6 - Chaos at the Menagerie

By request, I’m gonna show off some of the artwork for No Small Feat, a Midgaheim story my friends and I told through the TTRPG system Fabula Ultima. I drew a lot of characters and monsters for it, and my friends - in particular, @dragonzzilla, @scatha5, and @dinosaurana - helped line and color them so we’d have cute little sprites to use on our online battlemaps, which really helped sell the whole “we’re playing an oldschool turn based RPG” vibe that Fabula Ultima’s system is going for.

In this part, we’re gonna look at the many NPCs introduced in the campaign’s fourth arc, Chaos at the Menagerie!

All the way from session 0, my player characters had heard rumors of a fabulous menagerie of arcane beasts kept by Sir Peter Hammerschmidt, a merchant who possessed so much wealth and influence that he was knighted and made part of the nobility for it. Some of my players, being nonhuman (or transformed into nonhumans at any rate), were almost poached for the menagerie, in fact, so when they finally got to the town of Sumerlie, they had some idea of what they were getting into when asking Peter whether or not he had a crown jewel in his possession too.

They came on an auspicious day, as Peter was finally opening up his full menagerie for visitors from the creme de la creme of Engelsex, including Prince Huxley Monbatten, the eldest son of the previous king of Engelsex who would be the frontrunner in the competition to become the new king if the crown hadn't been destroyed. Peter was also assisted by Clara Saddel, his trusty chief maid and assistant, as well as Ranzacor, the wizard who designed all the magic safeguards meant to keep the menagerie safe and secure.

The first floor of the menagerie did contain several arcane beasts, but most weren't particularly noteworthy as menageries in Midgaheim go - a couple designer griffins (very trendy, but everyone rich enough to have a menagerie can afford them), some drats (cat/puk dragon hybrids that are heavy on the feline and light on the dragon), flederwyrms (bat/lizard chimeras), one very ill-looking bonnacon (fire breathing and/or shitting oxen), a hoogah (related to dragons but far less vicious), a grotesque (arcane agamid lizards that superficially resemble dragons as a defense mechanism), a hunkypunky (big nasty-tempered arcane tegu lizards), an amphibaena (arcane serpents that are born as conjoined twins), and some sprinting basilisks. Impressive to commoners, sure, but nowhere near the show Peter promised.

But then, in the center of the first floor, there was the first true wonder: a truly wild catoblepas, one that had never been domesticated and subjected to years of selective breeding for docility by human beings. Enormous and magnificent, it was a taste of the wonders that lay below.

While the cockatrices nearby, with their quick two-legged sprinting and devious minds, were a preview of how it would go wrong.

The second floor contained far more dangerous beasts. They spanned different countries, from a knucker wyrm with hydra syndrome from Mediterra to a waterhorse from Celpict. There was a bonafide Chimaera, which Peter had been assured was made to be a perfect replica of the first Chimaera created by Typhon and Echidna in the times of antiquity, and a largemouth wyvern dragon with talons capable of crushing a man in their grip.

But perhaps most telling on this floor were a trio of beasts denied their purpose: a gorgon whose eyes had been gouged out to deny her the ability to turn men to stone, a unicorn whose horn was shattered in its capture, and a Questing Beast - a creature whose entire existence is built on being impossible to catch and imprison - that was born in captivity and never knew life outside the menagerie walls.

The third floor had fewer residents, but for good reason, as it held not only the most valuable creatures, but the most deadly as well. There was an Afanc, an enormous crocodile whose mastery of water magic allows it to create deadly sea storms and floods. There was the Ox Dragon, an enormous and powerful greater drake with a notorious temper. There was a peluda, a lesser drake whose armored hide was covered in thick, sharp spikes.

But they weren't the deadliest beasts in the menagerie.

The most valuable creatures imprisoned in Hammerschmidt's menagerie were, oddly enough, local finds - tatzelwyrms, specifically, a variety of two-legged dragon that normally doesn't get particularly large by dragon standards. The clever tatzelwyrms that lived in the first paddock of the third floor illustrated this well, with each being roughly the size of a wolf. But there were a few exceptions, and one of them was the aptly named Terror Tatzelwyrm, a fifty-foot long dragon with powerful jaws and an astounding running speed for its size. One such tatzelwyrm was a local celebrity in Sumerlie, and Peter had caught the creature in a moment of weakness - namely, sleeping in her den over a nest full of eggs that she had been guarding for weeks without finding food for herself. He caught her and imprisoned her while she was too exhausted to fight back, and sold her eggs to make the funds to get the rest of his prized specimens.

The Terror Tatzelwyrm was, mechanically speaking, the Villain of this arc, though like some of the previous Villains, she was far from unsympathetic.

I imagine by now you've figured out the "joke" of this arc. It's Jurassic Park. Which, of course, is not a fairy tale, but listen, we had to make sure 100 monsters appeared somehow, and isn't Jurassic Park a modern day fairy tale in its own right? A rich merchant, believing his wealth gives him power over nature itself, employs the best wizards he can find to bring impossible nightmare monsters to life so he can show them off as prized possessions, only for the monsters to break free and tear him to pieces. There's a nice tight little moral in there, tell it to your kids!

Gonna post the sprites in a followup since tumblr has an image limit per post.

[ms-moonlight-inn]

10:00 pm. Time to make some bad bedtime decisions. Tagged by @jrooc @mybrainismelted @lingy910y & @bawlbrayker to do a ✨✨ FIRST LINE ANALYSIS ✨✨ (escándalo)

Rules: post the first lines of your last 10 fics/chapters posted on AO3 (if you have less than 10 fics posted, post the first lines of all your fics) and try to draw some conclusions.

#1

"Milo - portrayed by Ian Gallagher

Catchphrase - Duct tape won’t fix that!

Dante - portrayed by Mickey Milkovich

Classic Dante Move - raised right brow and Elvis-style lip curl."

Shame-proof, written with @notherenewjersey

#2

"He's been doing this for a long time now, Ian's beginning to wonder if it's too long. It was fun at first –a hobby to keep his boyfriend out of trouble, out of juvie, away from his family– but now Mickey's his husband and doing drag has become a bonafide profession." Enough Ain't The Test

#3

"The last thing Mickey remembers is falling asleep with one thought in mind: 'Get me the fuck outta here.' The last thing Ian remembers before closing his eyes and drifting off last night was: 'Get me out of this South Side hell hole.' Happy Wish Night, Asshole

#4

"'Stay in bed, it's still early.' Ian whispers the words, careful not to rouse his slumbering husband." Passenger Prince

#5

"Ian loses things, loses them all the time. His keys, his wallet, his focus, his sanity." Eyes Of Disarray

#6

"It’s 2 am when Ian notices it for the first time. That 'it' feeling, beginning at the center of his solar plexus and radiating down towards his stomach and up to his throat. Soon, his body’s engulfed in the feeling, the it." Mango and Yuzu Flowers, written with @notherenewjersey

#7

"The frayed hole at the bottom of his backpack threatens to bust loose any minute, but that doesn't stop 10-year-old Mickey Milkovich from marching his scrawny ass down the railroad tracks." The Adventures Of Striker The Cat, written with @deathclassic

#8

"King has been planning this for a long time. For longer than he can consciously remember, his brain has been thinking on the prom dilemma and planning out how to make it happen." The Reactions Of Friends, The Combustion Of Elements (King and the Dragonflies)

#9

"After two weeks of expediting at The Bear, he gets his first asshole customer. A real asshole, not those posers pretending to be difficult, trying to get a rise out of Sugar as a way to score a free meal." Baby Steps (The Bear)

#10

"Planning a caper is exactly like planning Thanksgiving dinner. You gotta start with your end time. When the fuck do you want to get out of there? Or rather, what's your departure?" The Caper, written with @notherenewjersey (Our Flag Means Death)

***

Analysis:

Man, I sure as fuck love utilizing in media res as a starting technique, don't I? No preamble, no mincing words. Just dive straight into the bullshittery of my story & let's go. Don't worry, you'll pick up whatever information you need along the way. 😁

I also noticed that I often either start a fic with the person that the story is not about (kinda like an insider's outside perspective if that makes sense), or I make sure to include the perspective of both characters. And I think I do this so that I have an excuse to dump as much information as I can without having to stop the narrative for a bunch of explanations. I could literally just build-in pertinent information in dialogues or headspace narrative as the introductory character(s) interact with each other and/or their environment.

***

Well, ok. I'ma tag a few people, with no pressure to play: @blue-disco-lights @transmurderbug @sluttygallavich @sweetbee78 @depressedstressedlemonzest @transmurderbug @rayrayor @gallavichgeek @energievie @spacerockwriting @sgtmickeyslaughter @ian-galagher @callivich @palepinkgoat

As always, I'm forgetting a bunch of people 'cause my memory is shit. 🙈 Sorry, I mean no harm.

[this-world-of-beautiful-monsters]

27. Witching hour, Loak & Rjake

Story also posted on ao3!

(tw violence, fuck-it awareness of vampire lore, self-esteem issues, creepy behavior, non-consensual touching, non-consensual kissing)

"It's late, you know." The creature's eyes flash yellow, almost, but not quite as bright as its wicked fangs. "Long past time for good little boys to be in bed."

"Shut the fuck up." Lo'ak tightens his grip on his stake, heart hammering, trying to drown out the alarm shrieking at the back of his skull: stupid stupid stupid. He knew he shouldn't have run out like that, he knew it, and now he's paying for his temper like he always fucking does.

"Language." The bloodsucker's tongue dances teasingly, but its voice is a chiding growl, and Lo'ak chokes down the sorry, sir crawling up his throat. It's not Dad, he snarls at himself. It's not Dad, you fucking moron.

Lo'ak shouldn't be nearly as thrown as he is. They'd already known that one of the vampires they were hunting came from Dad's branch of the family, a great-times-a-billion uncle or some shit, who'd somehow weaseled his way into being the vampire king's head boytoy.

He just--he just hadn't expected the vamp to look so much like Dad, that's all. To be a perfect copy, even, except a few decades younger (a few centuries older).

Except for the way those golden eyes are roving over Lo'ak's skin, looking him over in a way that makes heat stir ragged in his belly. It scares the shit out of him, and like most things that scare him, it pisses him off.

"Y'know, I'm feeling generous," he snarks, flipping the stake around in his hand. "I'll give you a head start. To the count of ten, that sound good?"

The vamp blinks at him for a second, looking almost surprised--and then it laughs, the kind of ringing belly laugh Dad hasn't made since Neteyam was killed. "Damn, kid," it chortles, "you really are a bonafide Sully, aintcha?"

"That makes one of us," Lo'ak growls. The vamp's jaw tightens for a heartbeat, so quick Lo'ak could have imagined it, and then its face smooths out again.

"Yeah," it says, almost to itself. "This is gonna be fun." Its muscles tense and Lo'ak braces himself--watch for the blur, be ready, he's taken down a ton of vamps before, he--

Its smile is a heartbeat away before he can even blink, faster than any vamp he's ever seen. Lo'ak lunges with a roar, but the vamp's fingers (Dad's fingers, skillful, deadly) wrap around the stake, grabbing treated wood that should have burned its skin. 

Lo'ak feels something scrape his palms as the stake is ripped away, and then the vampire's breaking it over its knee with a crack like shattered bone. It tosses the pieces across the ground and shrugs, mock-apologetic: oops.

"Didn't your daddy ever tell you?" it asks, lip curled. "All the big bad monsters are stronger at this time of night. Especially for tough old fucks like me."

Then it's lunging, slamming him so hard against the ground it knocks the wind out of him, air scraping uselessly in his lungs. The vamp straddles him, arms over his head, teeth bared, and Lo'ak waits for pain, for death, wonders if he'll finally get to meet Grandpa Eytukan and Aunt Sylwanin, if Neteyam will forgive him--

But instead of fangs, it's a warm mouth that presses his neck, closed-mouth lips gently tickling his skin. Sully sighs, nostrils flaring, tongue licking out as if he's lapping up Lo'ak's scent and liking what he tastes.

"Don't worry, sweetheart," he murmurs, soft and steady as Dad's reassurances. "I won't hurt a hair on your pretty little head. Sullys stick together, remember?"Fuck you, Lo'ak wants to scream, but the words are stopped up on his throat, strangled in his guts. When he tries to breathe, everything around him smells of death and blood and the endless, hungry night.

[hausofmamadas]

TO THE SMASH N GRAB CREW | RIP to the homies and this Cece x Kenny meet cute

⁂

Pairing: Cecelia “Cece” Garza x Kenny and The Smash-And-Grab Crew gif dump

For @narcosfandomdiscord NarcOctober - Day 16

Prompt: Day of Surprises - create a fanwork that focuses on dreams, literal or metaphorical

Okay so, you guys, I have no idea if this even works for the prompt dreams, bc it’s not really a dream one of the characters is having but rather, a dream of mine, and specifically a dream of whatever this was or could’ve been???? That we were categorically deprived of thanks to the Narcos’ writers’ tendency to just drop narrative grenades lil hints of things and then never pick them back up again.

So idk if yall remember that one time Operation Leyenda actually didn’t entirely fuck some shit up but there was One Time n I’m lowkey convinced it was thanks to the involvement of some estrogen no one will convince me that GOAT Secretary Susie wasn’t the strength of Jaime and Kiki’s operation, mmkay in the form of this baddie, named Cece aka Danilo’s way-too-foxy cousin.

What exactly did this bonafide mothafucking G short for goddess do that made the mission so successful? Idk, maybe just being the sassiest, most could-not-be-fucking-bothered, beyond not-having-any-of-your-shit to political scumbag and all around general skidmark, Ruben Zuno Árce okay we don’t even have time to get into how legitimately want to light this man on fire whilst painting💅🏽her💅🏽fucking💅🏽nails💅🏽 I MEANSJSHWH it truly doesn’t get better than this

I HAVE NEVER BEEN MORE SATISFIED WATCHING TBIS FUCKINFSKWJHW W SHOW except that one time Barrón broke my brain by spending the whole time being some random and then very sudddnly stealing the whole gotdamn show out of nowhere in ten mins but shhhhhhsjshshs we’re not talking about that right now like they fucking did it. They got this bitch on US soil, homie was shitting in his skivvies right there on the runway also ngl I’m convinced that Walt dressing respectably in that torturously sexy red shirt was another crucial key to the success of this plan but it was mostly Cece

Okay okay okay so then after the plan goes down like gang busters, they all meet up for lunch and we get this random little exchange between enemies-to-lovers Danilo and Kenny before Kenny cried weeweewee all the way back home to the US bc he could not handle big swinging dick Calderoni and like tbh, fair where Danilo makes a point to introduce Kenny to his cousin, The Real MVP Cece, who, like the rest of the women on this show is infuriatingly hot and stunning bc they cannot for just one moment pipe down with that shit

Almost as though he’s like been, on the low, talking to Cece about Kenny and promised to introduce them as like!???????? A blind date or somethinggghdhe like some kind of setup!??????

And it’s not like Danilo does this and Kenny’s like uhhhhhh, ‘scuse me, tf? Kenny’s literally justlikesjejsjwjsusuebehsh like, okay check this shit, look at Kenny’s fucjinfjdjsd face in that gif, like if he were wearing a suit or a tux, mans would be straightening his little bow tie, all checking himself in the mirror, picking at his teeth, breathing into the palm of his hand, asking bestie Daryl, heygorl, be honest, does this silk cravat make my neck look fat? To which Daryl is like, sorry, what the actual fuck is a silk cravat? Also idk when this became Victorian England where ppl wear silk cravats and it kinda seems like it’s setting that shit up to go somewhere except all we get is what?

A BIG. FAT. NOTHING. BURGERRRRRJDJDJHE

We literally NEVER FUCKING SEE Cece again and Kenny cries weeweewee all the way home in like the next episode, and the rest of the team gets mowed down on another airport tarmac, except sweet bby angels Sal

And Daryl and Walt but as much as I love him, he’s far too much of a glutton for punishment to be considered a sweet bby angel

I mean if blue balls existed, this show would be The Fucking King Kahuna of Blue Ballers. Why??????? I MEAN LOOK AT TBJS WOMANNNNNNNNNN OKAY????????

And as if we weren’t suffering from our blue balls enough already, the show literally pushes us to the ground and pummels us in the metaphorical dick with titanium baseball bats yes more than one by giving us this👇🏽👇🏽👇🏽👇🏽one and only moment of joy, this👇🏽👇🏽👇🏽 👇🏽 one single, solitary victory

…….

…………….

………………………..

Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaand then they went ahead and straight-up just Game-of-Thrones-Red-Wedding massacred like seventy five percent of the motherfucking cast by like episode 9

Coolcoolcoolcoolcoolcoolcoolcoolcoolcoool. Fine.

═

For the giiiiiiiifs: @narcosfandomdiscord @ashlingnarcos @drabbles-mc @narcolini @artemiseamoon

[shinigami-mafia-imagines]

Nico Character Report – Ryunosuke Fischer This learned lookin' man here's name is Ryunosuke Fischer. He introduces himself as Fischer and that's what we're gonna do here cuz fuck typin' out all that. Don't let his professional appearance fool you, he may be an amicus curiae by day, but by night, he's a bonafide demon hunter! A damn good one at that, he's been doin' this for 20 and more years! You wouldn't expect it from him with that pretty face of his. Like Trish, he's Dante's partner in the business. What would that be called? Amicus diaboli? Amicus venatoris?Regardless, he's been there since the beginning of it all and his skills prove it. But uh...don't tell him, this, but that blood thing he's got goin' on? Kinda gives me the creeps, bein' able to control his blood like that. He swears up and down he's human, but I dunno if I want to believe that one. And even his blood seems to be sentient! It can't talk or nothin, but I swear it mocks me whenever it just turns into somethin' I could just easily whip up. The little shit. Creepy or not, though, I really wouldn't want to be on the receiving end of that rapier of his. Despite his skills at being a zippy little thing, that demon king still rocked his world. Just what in the world CAN beat that thing? Nico Character Report – Devil Knight Fischer Now this is a form that can whip even the biggest and baddest of demons into shape! It's like his blood crystallizes into armor or somethin', not just turning into weapons! He's even got horns to intimidate those little bastards further. Gotta admit, I'm a little jealous he can just whip that out willy nilly. Or at least when he starts gettin' his shit kicked in. You could say he pulls this trick out of his briefcase when the goin' gets tough and I do not blame him. It looks like he hits harder in this mode to boot—AND I REITERATE: I do not want to be on the receiving end of that rapier of his when he gets this serious. Now, the drawback of this fancy suit of crystallized armor is the fact: this is his damn blood! He can't keep this form up for long or consistently or else he drops like a fly immediately after! And yet here he is, just usin' it willy nilly like it's no big thang and he acts surprised when he drops to the floor once he's all done. I don't know how Dante deals with it, but Lady sure seems to give him an earful whenever he recovers. And I know just how heated she can get. Honestly, you'd think he'd be okay with being en banc when he gets beat up, but here he is, just using his blood as armor like he's some kinda knight...hold on. Nico Character Report – Azazel So this is what's goin' on with Fischer's blood! This little number is called 'Azazel', apparently He was a demon used by the cult Vetus Sanguis as a way to rid themselves of their sins. Pretty much, He and a host were scapegoats just because of some superstition. And that host happened to be Fischer. Now, I don't know how either of them escaped that cult, I've never even heard of them...But they've got friends in Nero and I. Hell, I bet even Kyrie would befriend the thing. From what I understand, Fischer and Azazel weren't very close and more or less thought of one another as a means to an end at first. But the way he just talks to himself sometimes nowadays, that's friendship. They learned to like each other despite both just being a habeas corpus to their asshole cult and boy does it show in how they fight. Acquaintances wouldn't be able to work as insync as those two do. Hell, Nero won't even treat my babies as good as these two treat one another! He should learn a thing or two from them. Despite their clear symbiotic relationship, it appears Azazel still takes too much fill of Fischer's blood, leaving him with chronic anemia. I'm sure the thing would cut back if He understood how much of  a drain he was on him, but I guess there's nothing better than some fresh blood for a demon to chew on. He can't even speak or convey complete thoughts, so it's not like any of us could tell Him he's being a little bitch. They've both survived for this long, though, so they must be doing somethin' right.

[coe-lilium]

Been mulling over it for some time and I’m not sure if I get it. 

In Warrior Nun S2 (but also the last ep of S1) Adriel tries to hammer home how the Church benefited from his presence under the Vatican because (quoting from memory) “They built a religion and their whole power using my powers/my influence”. He’s also very smug about it. 

And I’m not sure what was the intended authorial intend of this? 

That Adriel is right or that he is, once again, full of shit? Because, see:

- he arrived in our world in 1096-1099 AD and. my guy. that religion you claim was “built” on your power had been a thing for a millennia at that point. “Built on me” my ass.

- During those years the center of papal power in Rome was the Lateran. No Pope got anywhere close to the Vatican until 1300, three centuries after Adriel was imprisoned under the catacombs.   

- historically, his claim that his presence enhanced the power of the Church is horseshit, because you barely need to reach the year 1209 to see how a whole bunch of kings, princes and various nobles might say “Yes, your Holiness, as you wish” in public just to then turn their face and go on minding their business ignoring when not actively ostracizing or fighting the Pope (the entire Hohenstaufen family says hi!).   

Now, to be sure, the character *is* a lying liar who lies (and murders, and so on. So much that I’m very disappointed with the show he turned out to be an alien and not a bonafide demon). But there were also moments in which the authors clearly intended to make a point and got their historical information wrong* so I’m not sure which one it is here. 

*see that scene in S1 in which Ava’s “why is there a statue of the male overseer while the woman who founded the actual Order is nowhere to be seen?” line was clearly intended as a smart “gotcha!” moment. Writers, please.          

[maxwell-grant]

SF Character Overview: Adon, Muay Thai Prince

(Art by Tovio Rogers)

So Street Fighter’s been making the rounds recently following the announcement of Street Fighter 6 and the many, many new developments it’s bringing to the series, and because it’s circling my brain more so than usual again, I figured it’d use some time to bring back these posts and put those thoughts to something. Since it’s obvious that, even with the roster leaks, SF6 is gonna have more characters on the way, I assume there’s gonna be a lot of speculation over the following months as to which characters are going to be brought back. So I figured going over some of them, do a little retrospective of my own.

With that said, let’s talk about the Jaguar King Shit of Thai Mountain, Adon

Adon's obnoxious fighting style and biting jackass personality doesn't seem to make him an especially popular character and boo-hoo to that, he rules. He rules, and he has to be in Street Fighter 6 if only because, if SF6's been selling itself so strongly as taking the franchise to the future, then, where is the future of Muay Thai heading?

Now, yes, I do have a considerable soft spot for the guy, as the other Muay Thai fighter in the franchise (and Sagat being my favorite character does go a long way too), also helped by the fact that, unlike Sagat, Adon doesn't use fireballs and special energy techniques, he actually does fight like a (highly exaggerated) Muay Thai fighter, focused on aggressive knee strikes and cutting elbows. The difference between the two was further accentuated not just in their designs, but fighting styles that become symmetrical through contrast. 

Sagat stands tall and precise, with his hands and feet apart in a more proper Muay Thai stance. Adon leans back in exaggerated and impractical fashion, a knee above ground and his hands poised like claws. Sagat is large and powerful, with his fastest attacks being leaping knee strikes, where as Adon is smaller and limber and is constantly hopping across the screen. Sagat holds his ground with long-ranged kicks and fireballs, Adon hauls his whole body with every special attack he has. Sagat is a mountain, Adon is a dagger. In Street Fighter’s Muay Thai world, Sagat was the mighty king of tradition, and Adon is the cunning prince spearheading the revolution to oust him.

As a character, Adon sits in a pretty unique role as the bonafide heel of Street Fighter. He’s this contemptible shithead who never has anything nice to say to anyone, who boasts more grandiose arrogance in a handful of lines than in most characters’ entire quote repertoire. He’s brutal and mean and hateful in a way even most of the actual villains aren’t, and with the way he talks about being a god, you’d almost mistake him for a SNK boss. And he's far from a joke, he’s repeteadly established to be indeed a very strong fighter. Not strong enough to fully surpass Sagat (at least not yet), but strong enough to beat him and take his reign as the Muay Thai champion, strong enough to pose a challenge to most fighters. 

But the thing about Adon is that he’s not a villain, he’s a heel. And the “why" he isn’t a villain is interesting, because it isn’t born from any sort of established kindness. Most of the time, he has no stake or goal other than beating Sagat, which he did at least once and eventually decided that Sagat was soft and pathetic and not worthy of his attention, or chasing after the Satsui no Hadou in the Alpha series, which he no longer seems to be doing circa IV (his Rival Battle with Sagat doesn’t seem to refer to it in it’s JPN dialogue, and although he claims Gouken’s ability to extinguish it is something he must nullify, he explicitly calls the Satsui no Hadou pathetic nonsense if you beat Akuma and Evil Ryu with him). 

You could even argue Adon has, or at least used to have, a higher moral ground than Sagat, because he at least never threw his lot with Shadaloo. Now, obviously the circumstances between the two were different, and considering Adon’s defined in the Alpha series by his pursuit of the Dark Hadou for it’s power, it’s not a stretch to argue that Adon could join Shadaloo if Bison had approached him at a lower point, or had just made a better offer. But the thing is, the one time we see Bison approach him, he rebuffs it (and we know this ending took place canonically, possibly even before Adon had beaten Sagat proper). And not just in the usual way he rebuffs everyone on the basis of them being weaker than him, no, he actually specifically tells Bison to piss off for being a drug lord, and Bison, who has any number of ways to brainwash or force fighters to work for him if he feels like it, actually backed off, which at minimum speaks something about Adon’s strength and willpower, if Bison respected him enough to approach him personally and actually fuck off when Adon told him to. Not many fighters can at all claim to have done that.

The druglord part is, interesting, to note as the main sticking point that gets Adon to refuse the deal. He wasn’t ostensibly any different at this point in the series than he became later (even as he was made more aggressive), it wouldn’t seem uncharacteristic for a guy like him to just accept Bison’s offer while reaping the benefits of his new life as Muay Thai Emperor. But he doesn’t do that. If nothing else, this gets me more curious to learn more about Adon’s past or life outside of the ring and his vendettas.

An interesting thing about Adon that tends to be overlooked is that, while he is an extremely egotistical character to put it mildly, he’s also highly, highly devoted to his fighting art in a way that even other characters aren’t. Adon places himself on the ultimate pedestal, repeteadly calling himself an untouchable god, but he seems to place Muay Thai on an equal pedestal, sometimes even higher. Unlike Sagat, he performs a wai kru before matches, and he’s always worn his kruangs to the ring. 

Some of his dialogue almost reads like that of a religious fanatic, and even his mad chase for the Satsui no Hadou in the Alpha series reads less like a villain’s quest for power, and more like he’s on a desperate mission to prove that there is no way, no how, that Muay Thai could possibly be inferior to anything, which speaks to the massive ego wound he has about the time where it was proven inferior to something. 

"The name of the holy "Muay Thai" doesn't allow me to lose."

"Take a good look! I am the new god of Muay Thai!"

"The one who once defiled Muay Thai can't beat me!"

"Vulnerability is a sin by itself! I must cleanse you with this fist of God!!"

(referring to Akuma) "That ultimate barrage attack... That's how I will identify him! Then, I'll teach him that Muay Thai is truly invincible!"

(talking to Rose) "Ruin and destruction, right? I know full well what it is! But Muay Thai's power is far beyond your comprehension!"

(after defeating Oni) "No deity is a match for the god of Muay Thai!"

"Muay Thai is the single most powerful art on the face of the planet!"

In fact, most tellingly, here’s what he has to say to Ryu, if you beat him in SSFIV:

"Witness the glorious return of Muay Thai to its rightful place upon the throne!"

It would be easy for Adon to be just a power-hungry jackal who thirsts for the Dark Hadou because he only wants more power. Vut in the games, Adon never goes that far, in fact, if you comb through his dialogue, he doesn’t actually show any interest in the Satsui no Hadou in and of itself, he doesn’t even seem to know what it is. He specifically wants to learn Akuma’s Shun Goku Satsu to improve his Muay Thai style, and I mean, it’s the Shun Goku Satsu, the strongest fighting technique in-universe. The whole reason he learned of it in the first place is because Akuma used it to kill a fighter he was supposed to go up against. If that’s something he has to watch out for then, it’s just plain common sense to want to learn it, it if he’s to maintain Muay Thai’s superiority instead of otherwise letting rival martial artists possess what is basically a nuke (even if he obviously has no idea how it actually works). But besides that win quote above, he pretty much never shows any beef with Ryu. I mean, didn’t Ryu beat him, too? Why is it Sagat that Adon has such a (particularly) deathly hatred for? 

Is he just a hypocrite? Well, yes, he is, but that’s not all of it. It’s not just because Sagat failed him. It’s because Sagat failed Muay Thai. Adon’s the farthest thing from what you would associate the word “honorable” with, but in a way, everything he’s doing is not just for the sake of his ego, but also has to do with honor, the honor of Muay Thai that Sagat let down and that he now intensely wants to restore. Is he that different from Sagat, who was blinded by his wound pride and honor and ultimately took such a long time to rediscover it on positive terms?

It’s repeteadly emphasized that Adon’s real grudge with Sagat is that he feels as if Muay Thai was humiliated beyond recovery by his loss. Like Sagat, Adon grew up poor and struggled his way out of poverty by taking on Muay Thai and embracing a mindset that placed power over everything. Sagat took on Adon as an apprentice after recognizing in him the same intense fighting spirit he had, and instilled on him the mindset that Muay Thai was the strongest martial art, and that strength was everything. Is it that much of a stretch then, that to Adon, Muay Thai became everything, and he took a crumbling dishonor to it so poorly? 

It’s not at all unbelievable that Sagat and Adon would adhere so strongly to this mindset, considering not just their origins as characters, but also the place Muay Thai occupies culturally. The thing about Adon is that, while he’s doing most things largely for the wrong reasons, he isn’t wrong about one thing: Sagat did disgrace Muay Thai. Not just by joining Shadaloo (even if he canonically never did anything while on it but be Bison’s sparring partner and bodyguard), but by losing the way he did. Really, losing at all with so much on the line.

Each and every day, children run the dusty, winding country roads of Thailand with dreams of carrying that culture through to the next generation. To one day join the pantheon of Thailand’s greatest fighters makes their blood, sweat, and tears necessary currency.

Like thousands of aspiring fighters living in modest means in the Southeast Asian country, providing their family with a viable way of escaping poverty is the fuel to keep running. It is the reason to return to the gym day after day, taking shot after shot. For many, it is the only way to attain a better life.

The trainers – most of who are revered as leaders in many towns and villages – will tell you that Muay Thai is simply in the blood. Although regarded as Thailand’s national sport, it is more than just competition. 

It is, for many of the country’s inhabitants, a way of life. The fabric of their people, and a constant reminder of the warrior spirit which runs through each and every Thai’s veins - History of Muay Thai

Prisoners with good behavior can even fight Muay Thai in order to reduce their prison sentences, under the idea that they can bring honor and fame to Thailand by doing so. Even though I’ve known about this for years, the relevance of this information actually didn’t particularly click with me until I’ve had a conversation with my teacher recently, about building up resistance by getting punched in the gut, and he remarked to me that fighters in Thailand spend a lot more time and effort training their guts to withstand impact than most martial artists or practicioners of Muay Thai outside of Thailand, because there, it is considered a source of shame to be knocked out by a non-liver gut punch, because it means you weren’t trained properly to take it (that’s what he tells me based on his own trips to fighting circuits in Thailand, although if anyone actually from Thailand knows better and wants to correct me, feel free to do so, I’d love to know more)

Now, consider what happened to Sagat. Sagat who was, not just the undisputed emperor of Muay Thai, but the strongest fighter in the entire world as far as he, Adon and anyone else at the time were concerned, who was so starved for proper opponents that he arranged a tournament just so people across the entire world could show up to take shots at him, and who still managed to basically remain untouched. Sagat, who staked not just his entire reputation and career, but also that of the entire martial art, and therefore the reputation of his country that he’d been carrying on his prideful shoulders, on this stunt. 

And Sagat, who was suddenly knocked out and nearly killed by some random nameless foreigner, basically just a kid with a karate gi, who just showed up and, even while pretty much losing the fight proper, still managed to knock out and nearly kill Sagat with a cheap shot last-second blow that tore him open from gut to pectoral. Sagat who, following this loss, basically fucked off and dissappeared. And Sagat who reappeared months later, as the right-hand of a druglord and dictator, the once national hero hanging out with terrorists. Is it that surprising that Adon grew to detest him so much to the point of dedicating so much of his life to breaking free from his shadow and taking the reign for himself?

I find it more interesting that Adon isn’t intended to be likeable or sympathetic, and good thing too, the series needs more heels, especially heels that aren’t outright villains, and not every understudy in the franchise needs to be a good guy either or a pure villain. Adon’s a small, petty jackass who set out to surpass the former Grand Jackass following his fall from grace, and basically succeeded. I really hope they bring him back for SF6 or at least show us what he’s been up to, where has his journey led him following his success in becoming Emperor of Muay Thai. 

Is he still pursuing grander and darker powers after all, still hopelessly bound by his and Sagat’s failure and his devotion to restoring Muay Thai’s honor? Has he succeded in attaining said powers at a cost to his own soul? Will he show up to provide us with the failed and tragic contrast of Sagat’s own quest? Or, assuming Sagat has fallen (as his SFV story seems to hint at), will he show up to rub his failure in or even, perhaps, fight his former master again in a climactic duel?

...Or is he still just gonna keep kicking around offscreen as the Grand God King Emperor Lord of Muay Thai, not bothering to join stupid Street Fighter tournaments, and has completely forgotten about those and the Dark Hadous and Sagats or whatever, because those are stupid dumb things only stupid dumb losers care about and he’s too busy rebuilding the kingdom to care? Only time will tell.

(Art by Matias Bergara)

[thesohmaestate]

@sparklyfaerie and I were bouncing headcanons off each other about HakYona's future children:

3 kids at the very least: 2 boys (the first and middle borns) and a girl (the last born)

Yona does not know how to parent - all her father did was spoil her

Hak is the Disciplinarian and Yona thinks he's too harsh. He comments sometimes that it's like having an extra kid (she does not like that).

And since Yona is the lenient parent, there's bound to be this exchange -

Child: Mommy, may I have some sweets

Yona: What did your father say?

Child: No.

Yona: Then why would I let you?

Child: He's not the boss of you.

Yona, internally: it's a trap

The thing is, SHE is the boss of HIM, but not when it comes to the kids.

Hak and Yona's children are bonafide Little Shits™

Hak: You can say 'please' and 'thank you' to your kids a hundred times and they won't repeat it, but then you sAY DUMBASS BITCH ONE TIME-

Whoever gets appointed as the Sky Tribe General goes "Ah shit, here we go again" before going to retrieve the princes and princess, who have, once again, sneaked out of the palace grounds

Hak doesn't even bother reprimanding their nannies. The little shits are half-Wind Tribe. They can climb ANYTHING.

Yona thinks it's hilarious and says they're just like their father, until Hak starts drawing comparisons to her exploits

Jae-ha would enable, enable, enable. He would be the favorite uncle. Kija is the target of their practical jokes. Shin-ah is the one who finds them most of the time when they sneak away. Hiding from him is a game. Zeno is beloved because he always has sweets and interesting stories - probably the one who gives the best hugs and advice too.

Kija playing hide and seek with the children then literally getting the air knocked out of him because one of them hit him in the windpipe with a slingshot

He gives the children TOO MANY speeches on how they have to behave with decorum because they're the children of the Crimson Dragon King blah blah blah

Hak joins in on messing with Kija sometimes - Yona does not like that

Youngest child, the princess: "Uncle Kija, I have a present for you!"

Kija: "Why, thank you Princess, that is very thoughtful of-"

The princess: [drops a dead cicada on his palm]

Kija: [unholy screeching]

The eldest child is Hak 2.0 but resembles Yona in temperament, though he is less spoiled. Middle child looks like a good mix of both of his parents, and is the Straight Man of the bunch. The youngest looks the most like Yona, has no fear, and inherits Hak's natural genius for combat.

Hak teaches all three of them archery and swordplay personally but the youngest is the one who takes to it so naturally. He is a Proud Dad.

The poor palace staff have to deal with the little royals being A Handful. Shenanigans include: skipping lessons, hiding to startle the maids, stealing sweets from the kitchen, making fart noises whenever a noble or a court lady sits down. Hak catches them occasionally and just crosses his arms and lets them try to talk their way out of trouble, but always ending with a "nice try, go to your lessons/rooms".

The royal chef: "Your Highnesses, what would you like for breakfast today?"

Youngest child: "THE SOULS OF THE INNOCENT"

The royal chef:

Middle child: "She wants eggs"

The eldest loves feeding the cats around the palace

The youngest is a martial arts prodigy and a charmer rolled into one

The middle child gets teased a lot

Middle child: "Can't believe I'm the only one who gets things done around here!"

Youngest child: "You don't. The maids do everything around here."

They announce baby #4 when the oldest is 10 and the youngest is 5. All of them scrunch up their noses and go "Eeeeewwwwwww". Because the eldest knows where babies come from, of course he shared

At some point before baby #4, this exchange happened

Eldest child: Lord Droopy Eyes, what's an orgasm?

Jae-ha: [chokes on his tangerine]

Jae-ha tells him to ask his father because he still doesn't miss an opportunity to mess with Hak. Zeno overhears and tells the child that orgasm is another word for orange.

The next day the eldest asks for 'orgasm juice', and that's how they have 'the talk'

Hak, to Zeno: "You are really lucky you can't die."

Zeno: "Ah~ aren't children just delightful?"

(meanwhile Yona is dying from laughter in the corner)

Baby #4 is another boy

Yun is the children's nanny and most of the time he is DONE. They call him 'Mother Yun'

Eldest child: Younger brother is having music lessons. We're going to draw a moustache on the baby.

Yun: WHY?

Youngest child: He's like 85% of our impulse control.

Yun, to Hak after the kids get into some mischief: "I should have let you bleed out on that river bank, Your Majesty."

Hak: "BUT YOU DIDN'T"

At some point, Yun just gets used to the shenanigans

Youngest child: Mother Yun, can we catapult the baby out of the palace gates?

Yun, without looking up from his medical texts: Not until you're finished with calligraphy, Your Highness.

365 So Stressed™ as he is, he truly does love the children. To Yun and the dragons, the kids would be almost as special as they are to Yona and Hak. They represent how far they've come together and their happiness...

....they're also, as Jae-ha likes to say, actual living proof that Hak and Yona Did It

[binickandros]

i'm sorry to be bothering you with this but you're like the most active blog with the stand content, and i like your opinions. but i'm here just to vent, cause i was so fucking disappointed at the show and i actively decided "you know what i'm just gonna pretend it never happened and go on with life", but i can't. not a day goes by that i don't feel extremely mad or that i do not check on the stand tag on tumblr to check other people's opinions, and tbh i am so fucking sad i cannot let it go, you know? every day i am taken over by a wave of anger. and i know the topic of nick being disrespected and the topic of harold having a show just for him has been overly discussed. but i don't even think it matters? cause everything was so incredibly bad? i mean, it was lazy. and i mean literally everything. the only thing that would be defendable would be the cast, which is a lot of very talented nice people, but then they cast hearing boy for a deaf character (i'm not shitting on henry zaga, he's a good enough actor, but ableism, yk??) and then AMBER HEARD? they fucked up the one good thing they had going on wich was the cast... but anyway, the whole thing with the laziness just... kills me. like no character development for anyone at all. not even "main character" harold had development. you knew the exact kind of shit he was from minute 1 and nothing changed. what about frannie and stu?? simply out of no where. glenn didn't even get a backstory or flashbacks of his own?? and omg the dreams?? like... so shallow and i felt like it wasn't enough to convey how much of it permeated the story development?? i am just honestly mad and i am sorry to vent on your asks i just don't have anyone else to vent to who will get me.

Okay first thing I meant to answer this last night and somehow...didn’t idk. Second thing, you’re not bothering me IN THE LEAST so don’t worry about that!! Third, and I say this as someone who’s been on tumblr a while and absolutely no criticism is meant, but when did tumblr start allowing asks this long?? This is like a fan mail of old.

Anyway...a cut bc y’all know why...

God DAMN it makes me so mad bc of the wasted potential. Like you’ve got this book that’s beloved by millions, one of the most popular books written by one of the world’s most popular authors, and like. There’s not much you need to change!! Mostly it’s updating things!! Say what you want about SK, but the man KNOWS storytelling, and with the exception of some bad tropes he uses too often and outdated depictions, he knows character development!! Like it is literally RIGHT THERE on the PAGE!!

So okay you don’t wanna make a shot-by-shot adaptation. That’s fine!! I don’t mind adaptational changes!! What bothers me is when you change things to the point that someone new to the material doesn’t “get” it. I mean duh obviously anyone can get the basic plot of the The Stand, but I mean like how...new ppl don’t understand why Nick’s death is a big deal. They don’t get the importance of the dreams. They only see “magic” in Flagg, and not in like...the entire fabric of the world King’s built. And also they aren’t fucking pissed at the US Military for starting the whole gd thing, and then acting like such dicks about it.

That’s the hardest pill to swallow for me: the letdown. I was so excited about having a new, updated Nick. More Nick!! Because it’s 9 hours!! Nick signing?!? I hate ofc that they cast a hearing actor, but there wasn’t anything I could do to change that, so I was hoping that at least they’d be, like, accurate in their portrayal of a deaf-mute character. But then they WEREN’T and it was BAD and LAZY.

I just see LAZY written all over this in mile-high letters. Coasting on King’s bonafides, trusting that fan allegiance alone would paper over their flaws and let things slide. I keep comparing it to Game of Thrones, but honestly that’s what it feels like. D&D were such lazy god awful HACKS, and it wasn’t finally until the last couple of seasons that fans started waking up to that fact. Boone & co didn’t have the benefit of goodwill from earlier seasons, so they’re getting roasted right away. As they should be. Nadine’s lack of gray hair = Dany’s lack of purple eyes. Lack of focus on the dreams = lack of focus on the direwolves...and it all just goes downhill from there.

I just wish for every adaptation from now on we could have a little committee in the room that calls the showrunners out on basic misunderstandings about the work they’re adapting. “Oh it’s just hair color, who cares??” “Well 1) a lot of ppl, but also 2) maybe it would be okay if you ALSO didn’t make all these other changes that clearly demonstrate how little you care about fundamental worldbuilding here...”

But!! That group is allowed 1 (one) token straight white male, and the rest have to be POC, women, and the gays. And a mixture thereof.

Literally I think 90% of our problems could have been solved by diversifying the writing room. Because even if they made adaptational changes we didn’t like, at least they wouldn’t be shitty white boy changes rife with tokenism.

[honeyopinion]

20/20 Albums of the Year

Circles by Mac Miller  |  Hip-Hop, Soul, Funk Released: January 17, 2020

Best Album For... Pouring One Out for Mac

I wrote a few different drafts of this album summary, and none of them felt like they really fit the impossibly large bill of accurately describing the posthumous importance or brilliance of this album. If you are a fan of hip-hop or soul music of any kind, try to give this piece of work a chance. I for one, used to judge Mac based on his early frat rap days in the late 2000s. But a decade later he came to leave the world with one of the most surprising and frankly impressive artistic evolutions that I’ve been able to witness in real time. RIP Mac. 

Spotify      Apple Music      YouTube      Pandora 

Start With: “Circles” or “Everybody”

Marigold by Pinegrove  |  Alternative Country and Folk Rock Released: January 17, 2020

Best Album For… Passing Through a Small Town on a Cloudy Winter Day 

Pinegrove was one of the last great concerts I got to experience before the pandemic. And it was my favorite performance of theirs from the last 6 years of seeing them play live. Is this my favorite album of theirs? Honestly, it’s not. But I still find it extremely enjoyable, and the memory of seeing these songs performed live, along with some of their classics, was enough for me to include it on this list. This is an album that marks Pinegrove’s exit from their pop punk roots. It’s still sentimental, but much more country and folk rock focused vs. anything trying to be associated with emo or punk. 

Spotify      Apple Music      YouTube      Pandora   Start With: “The Alarmist” or “No Drugs”

Watch This Liquid Pour Itself by Okay Kaya  |  Synth Pop, Art Rock, Folk Released: January 24, 2020

Best Album For… Crywanking at 3am, Bathed in The Dull Light of Your Overheating Laptop

What if Feist and Father John Misty had a secret love child? They might sound something like Okay Kaya. Self proclaimed “Singer ~ Crywanker,” Okay Kaya brings serious BDE to weirdo art pop that she seems like she could be a plant  from the mind of Nathan Fielder. Kaya delivers with such deadpan precision as she rolls out line after line of sarcastic joy, staring blankly at our dystopian reality. “Here I am, the whole world is my daddy,” “Netflix and yeast infection,” “Sex with me is mediocre,” “I just want us to do well like Jon Bon Jovi’s Rosê,” and, “My parasite and I are blushing / In the zero interaction ramen bar,” are just a few examples of some of her memorable and biting lyrics. The entire album is both a critique and nihilistic fondness for the absurdity of our lonely technological society, not quite sure how to deal with taboos like repressed female sexuality, depression, and codependency. 

Spotify      Apple Music      YouTube      Pandora  

Start With: “Baby Little Tween” or “Asexual Wellbeing”

UNLOCKED by Denzel Curry and Kenny Beats  |  Hip-Hop Released: February 7, 2020

Best Album For... Nodding Your Damn Head To, Feeling Cooler Than You Actually Are

I had to double check that this was an album. Clocking in under 20 minutes, this collection of songs feels more like an EP, especially with the track titles that purposefully look like file names and placeholders. But for a short album, Denzel wastes no time, furiously zigging and zagging effortlessly over Kenny Beats’ 90s New York-indebted production (ad libs and all). Kenny pulls out samples of an array of pop culture references made by Denzel (like quotes from movies and weapon sound effects like a lightsaber) — as he rotates his flow between admirable impressions of DMX, Nas, and Joey Bada$$.

Spotify      Apple Music      YouTube      Pandora  

Start With: “So.Incredible.pkg” or “DIET_”

Cardboard City by Zack Villere  |  Pop, Electronic, R&B Released: February 14, 2020

Best Album For… Pal-ing Around With Your Friends From High School, Maybe Quoting Superbad At The Same Time

The first time I watched a music video from Zack Villere, I noticed the top comment said: “how did frank ocean get trapped in mark zuckerberg.” And while that definitely gets at the heart of how Zack Villere presents himself, he is not a phenomenal singer like Frank Ocean is, nor does he come off as an asshole like Mark Zuckerberg does. I would say that he is just a slightly awkward nerdy white guy who loves hip-hop production and R&B melodies. So the better question is really, “how did drake get trapped in michael cera?” This premise should not work at all, but somehow it does. This is only Villere’s second album, but he shows some serious production and songwriting chops, plus a commitment to his delivery that comes across as genuine, charming, and unique. 

Spotify      Apple Music      YouTube      Pandora  

Start With: “Grateful” or “Superhero Strength”

The Slow Rush by Tame Impala  |  Psych Rock, Synth Pop, Disco Released: February 14, 2020

Best Album For... Throwing a Silent Disco For One 

Tame Impala continues on their now 10 year streak of psych rock dominance. Along the way we’ve seen Kevin Parker master and stretch the boundaries of psychedelic production. This has resulted in his music coming as close to sounding like the best aspects of The Beatles, while also expanding into hip hop drums, R&B hooks, plus more and more electronic elements. This is an album that I was not super impressed with when it initially came out, but as we entered the pandemic and were tasked with finding small joys in staying at home all the time, I found myself going back to this album and appreciating the themes of solitude and self reflection that Parker has drawn from throughout his career.

Spotify      Apple Music      YouTube      Pandora  

Start With: “Posthumous Forgiveness” or “One More Hour”

1988 by Knxwledge  |  Hip-Hop Released: March 27, 2020

Best Album For... Pumping Your Brakes and Driving Slow, Uh *Homie* Although this album is named after a year in the 80s, the sound here is a perfect portal back to 90s golden era hip-hop, with all the gospel, soul samples, and the kind of deep bass you want to feel in your chest. This is the rare, largely instrumental hip-hop album that I find myself going back to, other than works from the legendary J Dilla and MF Doom. Knxwledge is good friends and a frequent collaborator with Anderson .Paak (in the form of NxWorries). Here we get Anderson to grace us with his presence on the track “itkanbe[sonice]”, and of course it sounds just like an authentic vintage soul sample. When I hear this collection of songs it makes me wish I still had a car, so I could inevitably damage my speakers listening to this.

Spotify      Apple Music      YouTube      Pandora  

Start With: “dont be afraid” or “thats allwekando.”

Future Nostalgia by Dua Lipa  |  Pop, R&B, Funk, Disco Released: March 27, 2020 Best Album For... Alarming Your Pet With Your Enthusiastic Lip Syncing

This album is a pure sugar rush. Like Bruno Mars with the help of Mark Ronson, or Calvin Harris a few years ago, Dua has harnessed a nostalgia (it’s even in the title, wink) for disco, funk and R&B, and is instantly a sexy, catchy, not-so-guilty pleasure. It’s sad that the majority of these songs are all bonafide club hits that didn’t have a proper home this year … except for my living room. And hopefully yours.

Spotify      Apple Music      YouTube      Pandora 

Start With: “Pretty Please” or “Future Nostalgia”

Hold Space For Me by Orion Sun  |  Alternative R&B and Hip-Hop Released: March 27, 2020

Best Album For... Wishing Frank Ocean Was Your Dad

“Alternative R&B” is a contentious term, but what else would you call one of a few R&B singers cool enough to make it onto (NYC indie darlings) Mom+Pop Records?? On one hand, she brings the vulnerable and introverted lyrics of an indie singer songwriter like Tracey Chapman, crossed with the raw presence and sweet melodic delivery of a true R&B star like Aaliyah. I’d even go far enough to refer to her as the musical stepchild of Frank Ocean and SZA.

Spotify      Apple Music      YouTube      Pandora

Start With: “Ne Me Quitte Pass (Don’t Leave Me)” or “Lightning”

You and Your Friends by Peach Pit  |  Indie Rock and Dream Pop Released: April 3, 2020

Best Album For... Going Back To Your College Town To Crash A Party

Peach Pit seem like they would be cool dudes to hang out with. You have no problem picturing them as the band playing a house show in an indie movie about college kids. And that’s because there’s a familiarity to the scenes that their songs portray, of stumbling through your 20s, either being too dumb or having too much fun to notice. It’s funny to refer to this as “Indie” rock since this is Peach Pit’s major label debut with Columbia Records. But It has all the trappings of Indie; sticky melodies, gentle reverb, an “I’m not trying that hard” vibe, and lyrics that are oddly specific enough to be interesting, but still vague enough to be relatable.

Spotify      Apple Music      YouTube      Pandora  

Start With: “Feelin’ Low (Fuckboy Blues)” or “Shampoo Bottles”

Heaven To a Tortured Mind by Yves Tumor  |  Psych Rock, Indie Pop, Post-Punk, Alternative R&B, Experimental Electronic Released: April 3, 2020

Best Album For... Tearing Up The Fucking Dance Floor With Your Hot Robot Girlfriend

If Tyler the Creator, Alex G, King Krule, and Blood Orange all got into the studio together and dropped a shit ton of acid on Halloween, their recording session might sound something like Heaven To a Tortured Mind… And even then, you still might have trouble putting your finger on exactly what you’re hearing. “Dream Palette” is a good reference track for Tumor’s most wild and mesmerizing qualities. The biggest styles of the past half century of music have been loaded into this gleefully effective genre blender, with blades of dissonance slicing everything up, creating a surrealist sonic smoothie.

Spotify      Apple Music      YouTube      Pandora  

Start With: “Super Stars” or “Dream Palette”

The New Abnormal by The Strokes  |  Indie Rock, Dirtbag Disco, Synth Pop Released: April 10, 2020

Best Album For... Mixing Yourself Another Drink This Saturday Night

Back from the dead, The Strokes return with their first album in 7 years to turn some heads and settle back into some old habits. The charming messy haired garage rock of the early 2000s still pops up here and there, but this is really a record where the group is mature enough to show you that they actually are trying, and are unafraid to take joyous swings for the fences. Julian Casablancas pushes his scratchy alley cat yelp of a voice into something more vulnerable, sunny, and sweet, like he asked for a piña colada (you know, with one of those little umbrellas) instead of a double shot of scotch before hopping up on stage… Or maybe he did both. But these days, everyone is looking for some sort of break from our groundhog day lives any way that we can. Sometimes that sounds like selling out, or depending on how you look at it, stepping up. This album is the result of a group of old friends who got together to make music they simply want to make for themselves. Now far removed from the 2000s New York scene where their younger selves were acting too cool and disaffected to care about having fun.

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Start With: “Eternal Summer” or “The Adults Are Talking”

The Loves of Your Life by Hamilton Leithauser  |  Indie Rock and Alternative Country Released: April 10, 2020

Best Album For... Drinking Down At The Docks, Watching The Sun Set

While I am a fan of The Walkmen, I have no idea what their frontman Hamilton Leithauser looks like or how he dresses. But hearing these songs off of his latest solo, I imagine the following: a member of Mumford and Sons if they were edgy and cooler, giving off a “cowboy rocker meets depression-era dock worker” aesthetic. That’s exactly how his music comes off to me. It’s a convincing blend of blues rock, Americana, and old timey country music. All expertly narrated by dusty country guitars and standup bass, tarnished horns and flutes, and what I imagine to be a restored saloon piano. The Loves of Your Life originally started as a collection of short stories, each about characters based on both people he knew and strangers. Leithauser then wrote the music separately, and finally came to mix and match their parts together in a surprisingly convincing fashion to create the album.

Spotify      Apple Music      YouTube      Pandora  

Start With: “Wack Jack” or “Cross-Sound Ferry (Walk-On Ticket)”

What Kinda Music by Tom Misch and Yussef Dayes  |  Neo-Soul, Electronic, Hip-Hop

Released: April 24, 2020

Best Album For... Cooking For Someone You’re In Love With

Exactly what kind of music do Tom Misch and Yussef Dayes make? It’s orchestral, it’s jazz-infused, it’s hip-hop beats joined with gentle soul. It’s a little sexy, it’s a little mysterious, and you’re going to want to listen to it a whole lot. That’s it. That’s what kind of music it is! Send tweet. 

Spotify      Apple Music      YouTube      Pandora  

Start With: “What Kinda Music” or “Storm Before The Calm”

Petals For Armor by Hayley Williams  |  Electronic Pop and Art Rock Released: May 8, 2020

Best Album For... Browsing Depop for Your Next 80s Normcore ‘Fit

Hayley, Hayley, Hayley. You are too good for this wretched world!! After exploring more adventurous sounds and genre hopping over the last few Paramore records, Hayley decided to go out on her own. This really frees herself from the expectations that come along with being the face and heart of a wildly popular band for the last 15+ years. Thom Yorke fans rejoice, because Hayley Williams has a clear admiration for Radiohead’s haunting indie electronic vibe, while emoting some pain and darkness atop her love for 80s pop and art rock (think Genesis, Devo, The Talking Heads). This is a promising new avenue for Hayley to explore herself and process her pain and desire completely on her own. I see this new project of hers only blooming further from here.

Spotify      Apple Music      YouTube      Pandora 

Start With: “Simmer” or “Sudden Desire” 

Set My Heart On Fire Immediately by Perfume Genius  |  Indie Pop and Art Rock Released: May 15, 2020

Best Album For... Daydreaming That You Were Somewhere Else

For his 5th studio album, Perfume Genius enlists production wizard and guitar god Blake Mills, along with Grammy Award-winning arranger and multi-instrumentalist Rob Moose to create a beautiful swirling mosaic of 80s pastel pop that also packs serious classic rock grandeur. Bass guitar dances between satin smooth lines on one song to churning distorted currents on the next. Sparkling string arrangements and organs bleed together to expose a fading sunset that you’ll want to try and hold in your hands to keep it in sight. Perfume Genius is unafraid to challenge traditional masculinity, packing a 21st century queer machismo into both the quiet moments and jubilant explosions.

Spotify      Apple Music      YouTube      Pandora 

Start With: “Without You” or “Describe”

græ by Moses Sumney  |  Indie Pop, Art Rock, Neo-Soul, Psychic Folk Released: May 15, 2020

Best Album For... Astral Projection 101 

I mean this in the best way possible, but I think that Moses Sumney is a witch. Or maybe a wizard? There’s no other reasonable explanation for the level of creativity and wonder that he summons. This album feels like a private concert by a waterfall (similar to one on the cover), with ethereal pleas, and heavy ideas—like meditating on what lies beyond the constraints of the physical self and reconsidering how well we can actually trust memory and the mind. Sumney layers his voice to create the effect of a ghostly choir, accented by a stark intimidating falsetto that reverberates through the ruins of an abandoned temple where Sumney is the only one in attendance.

Spotify      Apple Music      YouTube      Pandora  

Start With: “Cut Me” or “Polly”

WILL THIS MAKE ME GOOD by Nick Hakim  |  Psychedelic Neo-Soul Released: May 15, 2020

Best Album For... Playing Pool in a Hazy Dive Bar

Nick Hakim is a silky smooth smokey crooner who paints with warbly piano loops, dreamy reverb-heavy guitar, boom bap beats—not to mention a falsetto that would make Smokey Robinson jealous. Clearly a fan of Motown and 60s jazz, Hakim could be considered a peer of Thunder Cat and Anderson .Paak’s to a degree. I remember seeing him perform at Music Hall of Williamsburg a few years ago. The performance ended with him falling down on stage (presumably from being under the influence of multiple substances). But while the song continued he popped back up and belted an impressive high note like it was nothing, drink in hand. And it’s that kind of messy beauty that also makes this album so engrossing. Like watching the eye of the storm get closer and closer, but unable to look away from the sheer magnetism that nature can wield.

Spotify      Apple Music      YouTube      Pandora  Start With: “All THESE CHANGES” or “ALL THESE INSTRUMENTS”

RTJ4 by Run The Jewels  |  Hip-Hop Released: June 3, 2020

Best Album For... Making Your Next Protest Sign

Run The Jewels’ fourth outing might be the most unapologetically angry rap album in the “fuck this” year of 2020. And it reminded me that I should absolutely still be furious about everything that happened during this groundbreaking yet terrifyingly familiar year: country wide protests over the continued murder of innocent black people at the hands of the police, government drone strikes and detaining kids in cages, the state of our environment worsening—and that’s not even addressing the pandemic or election. Killer Mike and El-P are here to scream from the rooftops that our current system of cutthroat capitalism and white supremacy is killing the planet and its inhabitants, and I’m glad that they’re using their platform to continue to sound the alarm.

Spotify      Apple Music      YouTube      Pandora  

Start With: “out of sight” or “ooh la la”

Your Hero Is Not Dead by Westerman  |  New Wave Revival and Indie Pop Released: June 5, 2020 Best Album For... Wanting Your Old School MTV

The cover of Westerman’s first proper album is mostly black and white, except for the title, which is scrawled out in lettering which spans the Crayola color spectrum. It’s an album that on the surface is cold and buttoned up, but when these choruses open up, the maximalist 80s power pop bursts like the bulbs of a neon sign. There’s a level of even-keeled cool and confidence in small moments on display here that makes this relatively new artist seem well beyond his years. Having seen him play at Rough Trade a few years ago (opening up for the stellar Puma Blue), the songwriting growth on display on this record is impressive. I’m only sad that there wasn’t an opportunity to have seen him play these new songs live.

Spotify      Apple Music      YouTube      Pandora 

Start With: “Easy Money” or “Confirmation (SSBD)” 

Punisher by Phoebe Bridgers  |  Indie Rock and Alternative Country Released: June 18, 2020

Best Album For... Burning Incense and Breaking Out a Ouija Board to Talk to The Ghost of Your Former Self

This is without a doubt, a career defining release for Phoebe. Taking everything she’s learned from writing, performing, and touring with the likes of Lucy Dacus and Julien Baker (in boygenius), and Conor Oberst (in Better Oblivion Community Center), Bridgers levels up to become the truly prolific singer-songwriter she’s been telling us she would always be. Bridgers has explained her personal definition of “a punisher” as a well meaning person who’s, “just talking to you and they don’t realize that your eyes are glazed over and you’re trying to escape.” Vital to understanding this album and its central message is that Phoebe finds herself caught between the contradiction of falling victim to this phenomenon while also doing it herself, especially if she ever met her musical idol, Elliott Smith. Punisher serves as a warning to her audience that if you focus too much on trying to find yourself through other people (via escaping through fandom, drugs, toxic relationships), you’ll always feel lost and dissatisfied, without the proper self awareness to ever quite know why. 

Spotify      Apple Music      YouTube      Pandora  

Start With: “Garden Song” or “ICU”

Women In Music Pt. III by HAIM  |  Rock, Pop, Folk, R&B Released: June 26, 2020

Best Album For... Preparing For A Better 2021, lol 

With this album, HAIM skyrocketed to the #1 position of family bands that start with an “H.” Sorry, Hanson! But seriously, HAIM has outdone themselves on this one. If there was one album from this list that I would dub my personal AOTY, this would be it. You might wince at any tracklist longer than 10-12 songs these days (I know I usually do), but almost every song proves itself worthy, pulling at a different thread of my heart until there’s nothing left. Sunshine State Beach Pop? Check. Blues Tinged Dad Rock? Yup! Dive Bar Country? Mmhmm! No, wait, what’s that you say, Glitched-Out R&B? Yes, yes, and yes. You can have it all, sister! ‘Cause when you’re Haim, you’re family! ;) And these three “women in music” continue to prove that they are just about the best Assorted Pop Rocks(™) act in the world right now.

Spotify      Apple Music      YouTube      Pandora  

Start With: “I’ve Been Down” or “Don’t Wanna”

Lianne La Havas by Lianne La Havas  |  Neo-Soul and Indie Pop Released: July 17, 2020

Best Album For... Sipping Coffee and Journaling on a Weekend Morning

This album exudes a warm vulnerability, like a comforting hug we all needed this year. On her third album, Lianne La Havas makes the risky decision to self title it, a move that artists make when they believe that it is the piece of work that they most want most directly associated with their name. It’s one thing to name your first album after yourself if you can’t think of anything else at the time, but to make a self titled album in the middle of your career, it means that you are sure about having captured who you really are and who you want people to remember you as. “If I love myself, I know I can't be no one else,” La Havas admits on the standout track, “Paper Thin.” She knows that she will meet her destiny and reach self actualization, but only through self love. And finally, I cannot overstate how breathtaking La Havas’s voice comes across on this album. The strength and control on display in her vocal tone and vibrato is quite a spectacle. 

Spotify      Apple Music     YouTube      Pandora  

Start With: “Paper Thin” or “Sour Flower”

Limbo by Aminé  |  Hip-Hop and R&B Released: August 7, 2020

Best Album For... Trying and Get Over Kanye With

On Limbo, Aminé establishes himself as one of the torchbearers of soul-sampling, lyrics-driven hip-hop that still cares about storytelling, skits, and presenting vocals clearly. Kanye West, Drake, and J. Cole all paved the way for someone from the next generation like Aminé to keep the dream alive and avoid succumbing to the “feel good, don’t think” form of passive listening that mumble rap has made the standard for mainstream hip-hop.

Spotify      Apple Music     YouTube      Pandora  

Start With: “Pressure In My Palms” or “My Reality”

Shore by Fleet Foxes  |  Folk and Indie Rock Released: September 22, 2020

Best Album For... Running Along The Beach With Your Arms Stretched Out

It was really kind of Robin Pecknold and co. to have released an album this triumphant, calming, and awe-inspiring during the year of our Lorde 2020. On behalf of myself and anyone else who suffers from Seasonal Affective Disorder, the SAD people of the world really needed this, man. And to anyone who is quick to judge these beard-o’s of being boring, you’re simply not using your ears properly. Yeah, you know those two things on either side of your head? Get the gunk out of them! That way you’ll hear the choir of angels with acoustic guitars who are here to guide us through quarantine and beyond. 

Spotify      Apple Music      YouTube      Pandora 

Start With: “Can I Believe You” or “A Long Way Past The Past” 

Listen to all of these albums together in our playlist.

[noelacciari]

alright this is kinda bad but I'm gonna ask anyway. so I'm a new/casual hockey fan and this girl I'm friends w is super into hockey and I'm kinda having to bluff my way through convos rn so could you give me a basic summary of the roster and stuff pls :)))

okay babe, so this is how we’re gonna set this up for you… personality quiz style. (also wait I’m assuming you mean Bruins so. im very sorry if this was about another team lol)

Step 1: pick your star

- Do you strive for perfection? Do you look for stability in a relationship? Can you appreciate a good beard? Do you need a perfect man to project all your feelings regarding men onto and then you never have to even look at another man in real life? Then Patrice Bergeron is the guy for you. He’s perfect. Like legit. Has been nominated for the Selke Award (best defensive forward) approximately a gazillion times, eventually they’re going to change it to The Bergy. Gorgeous play maker, dominate on the face-off circle. Quiet leader in the room. A pillar of the Boston community. The only person who can tame Marchand (we’ll get to him later). Every person in New England is AT LEAST 30% in love with him, regardless of sexual orientation. (I’m not even kidding). Future Hall of Famer. Without a doubt. (Forward (Center), #37, first line)

- Do you enjoy carbs? How about charming smiles? Do you enjoy men who toe the lines of fashion? Do you like a show, flashy lights and stunning tricks? Do you like people who make you smile, no matter how bad your day is? Then David Pastrnak is your man. Better know as Pasta (said with a deep Boston accent), he’s been tearing up the ice from the moment he arrived in TD Garden. A member of the Best Top Line in the League (alongside Bergeron - and that other guy who we will get to later). His goals are always absolutely nasty, just. Sexy, sexy hockey. Off the ice he’s sunshine personified, known for his chipped tooth smile, wearing checked suits and floral shirt, and just being generally the best. (Forward (winger), #88, first line)

- Are human sized chipmunks something you think would be pretty cool? How do you feel about Long Island? Would you think it’s funny if a guy who was a star player on a Boston team dated the daughter of a Pittsburgh coach? Do you think it’s even funnier if a guy who tweeted “I hate the Bruins” then proceeds to get drafted by them? Then Charlie McAvoy is your star d-man. At the ripe old age of 21, Long Island native Charlie McAvoy already carries a huge chunk of responsibility on the Bruins defense core. A future leader for the team (captain. imo), Charlie puts up incredible minutes, and is the perfect complement to his d-partner Zdeno Chara (we’ll get to him too). Also known as Cheeks (on tumblr) or Mac (by his teammates), Charlie isn’t afraid to throw his weight around on the ice, and he looks good doing it. Dude is a Bonafide Stallion. (Defense, #73, 1st Pair)

Step 2: Pick your Dad

- Are you vegetarian? How do you feel about EXTREMELY tall men wearing easter bunny onesies? Do you prefer to bike to work instead of taking the train? what about pigeons? If you consider pigeons friends, then Zdeno Chara is your new dad! (Boogie Woogie Woogie). You know how Bruins fans like to say - Don’t Poke The Bear? Well Big Zee is that hypothetical bear. Our beloved captain and father earned himself quite the reputation on the ice, known for his hard AF slap shots and even harder punches. Clocking in at 6′9″ and 250lbs, Zad is still a beast at 42 years old - and he apparently has no plans to retire. While his age doesn’t appear to be slowing him down on the ice, Zee has shown his softer side off the ice with his inspirational and extremely cute Instagram. He came into Boston in 2006 and was named Captain upon signing, and has forever changed the culture of the Boston Bruins. Chara facilitates an inclusive but hard working locker room, and his legacy will live on in Boston long after his retirement. (Defense, #33, first pair)

- Are you a dog person? Also are you American? Those are really the only 2 qualifications you need to chose David Backes as your dad. Although some of us older folks like me (at the stunningly old, reaching retirement age of 26) might consider Backes to be more of a daddy, the majority of Bruins tumblr view him as their Dad. Common nicknames include Dadkes and Papa, and his effect on the team after being brought back into the line-up during the playoffs has endeared him to fans. While his deal is… not great (he’s expensive!!) and he hasn’t performed up to how much money he’s paid, it’s clear that he’s a leader on the team. The young guys look up to him, and the older guys respect him, and that’s what we’s appreciates ‘bout him. Also. He LOVES animals. Backes and his wife Kelly (who have known each other since kindergarten how cute is that shit) have their own charity that helps animals!! (Forward (Winger/Center), #42, currently 2nd line)

- Were you really into magic as a kid (or currently)? Have you always gravitated to your one friend’s dad who was super quiet but super smart and taught you how to play chess at that cookout one time? Then your new dad is David Krejci! Sometimes called The Wizard, Krejci is known to make magic happen on the ice. Between no-look passes and somehow being able to know exactly where his wingers are going to be before they even know, tbh. Krej is probably the MOST underrated player on the Bruins, but he’s always dependable, and always seems to be there when you need him.  (Forward (Center), #46, 2nd Line)

Step 3: pick your weirdo

- Have you never eaten a vegetable willingly in your life? Do you consider yourself a chef - specifically for children? Do you think getting your teeth knocked out is fun and exciting? Then Jake “JD” DeBrusk is the dude for you! Goofy AF off the ice and a sniper on it, Jake is extremely worthy of being your chosen weirdo. He has a lucky winter hat named “tuukka” that he’s been wearing all playoffs, and he might only have one brain cell but we love him for it. At one point called a draft bust, Jake has been proving himself to be an elite player, and has been a steady winger for Krejci all season. Plus. He’s cute af. (Forward (winger), #74, 2nd Line)

- Is getting under other people’s skin one of your favorite activities? Do you like to piss people off by being better than them at everything? Does licking someone’s face in the middle of a hockey game seem like a Good Idea to you? Back in step number one did you chose Patrice Bergeron as your Lord and Savior? Then Boston’s favorite Pest - Brad Marchand - is the guy for you! Brad started off as an undersized fourth liner, and has worked his way up to one of the top scorers in the league. Outside of Boston he’s probably the most hated player in the NHL - earning himself a reputation for being a pest (at best), and sometimes being dirty (at worst). This year we are proud to announce that he did not get suspended once! Though he did come in just short of 100 Penalty Minutes. Marchy was our top scorer this year, and has become an integral part of this team. (Forward (winger), #63, 1st Line)

- Are you secretly an arsonist? Are frogs your favorite animal? Do you have a crush on that Pretty Jock that’s in all your classes and sometimes smiles at you in the lunch line? Then Danton Heinen is the weirdo for you. Danton has been a quietly steady performer for the Bruins this season, spending time on the top line with Bergeron and Marchand when Pasta was out. He’s growing into quite the play maker, and he’s known for making good decisions on the ice that lead to goals. Danton also happens to look like a frog, which is an important character trait imo. He’s a tumblr favorite, but he’s a good person to like even in real life, because he makes an impact on the ice. (Forward (winger), #43, 3rd Line)

Step 4: chose your conventionally attractive white boy

- OKay we’re not doing the questions thing because judging by your ask you may not even be interested in men so i’m just going to dive straight into the description. He’s tall with a strong jaw and perfect curls and pecs of a God. Charlie Coyle is a Weymouth, MA native who Boston brought back home at the trade deadline. He’s been a bit of a hero this playoff run, and he looks damn good doing it. The B’s have been searching for a good 3rd line center, and Charlie has filled the role perfectly. Personally, I am deeply in love with him, in case you could not tell. (Forward (center/winger), #13, 3rd Line)

- an integral member of the Bruin’s all important Line 1A (aka the 4th line), Sean Kuraly has got it all. Piercing blue eyes? Check. Perfectly highlighted hair? Check. Cute little chin? Double check. Though he’s been photographed wearing jorts and an open flannel shirt with nothing underneath it, Sean is still a certified Babe. He’s been Klutch in every playoff run he’s had with the B’s, and is the scoring force behind the 4th Line’s brawn. Not to mention, his signature celly is a leap from the ice! (Forward, (center/winger), #52, 4th Line)

- Brandon Carlo… how do I begin to explain Brandon Carlo? Brandon Carlo is flawless. He has two bible tattoos and a designer bulldog. I hear his hair is insured for $10,000. I hear he does Tri-City Americans commercials… in Washington. His favorite movie is Miracle. One time he met David Backes on a plane… and he told him he was pretty. One time he punched me in the face… it was awesome (’cause he missed). In all seriousness though, Monte is a hardworking, defensive defenseman, who has really shone this season. He doesn’t show up on the scoreboard often, but he makes it really hard for other teams to get goals. Even though he struggles to score empty netters... he’s still a babe. (Defense, #25, 2nd Pair)

Step 5: Chose your shorty

- If you’re thinking - wait, shouldn’t Marchand be in this category? Isn’t he the smallest guy in the World? Then Torey Krug is the Short King for you. An ELITE offensive defenseman, Torey is absolute dynamite on the ice. In game 3 of the Stanley Cup Finals Torey made history by becoming the first Bruins player ever to record 4 points in a stanley cup finals game. Krug is quick on his feet and can snipe from the blue line, but isn’t afraid to lay down the law when he needs to. Notorious for loosing his helmet so he can show off that flow, Torey also has a bulldog named fenway and a BABY on the way. (Defense, #47, 2nd Pair).

- Is talk shit, get hit a favorite saying of yours? Can you appreciate biceps the size of your head? Then Noel Acciari is your man. He might be short but he’s built like a tank, and he uses that bod to plow through guys on the ice. Noeldozer is known for laying down the cleanest hits, and we love when he takes out the trash! The Rhode Island Native got married last summer, and has a golden retriever named Thor. His mouth is currently fucked right up but I promise he’s actually kinda pretty. (Forward (winger/center), #55, 4th Line)

- Are you one of the apparent hoards of people that think a Boston accent is sexy? Could you get into a guy who says the fuck word on live television? Are collarbone tattoos a thing you admire? Do you like sexy, tough little son’s of bitches? Great! Matt Grzelcyk is the little guy for you. A BU grad who’s become a cornerstone of the Bruins d-core, Grz is a tough little cutie who works hard and gets shit done. More of an offensive defenseman, Matty G has been there for the team even when all of our other defenseman were injured. His Dad has worked at the Gahden for like a million years, and playing for the B’s is a dream come true for Matt and his family. He got taken out in Game 2 of the Finals, and the Bruins are currently seeking revenge. Dude’s got a good beard going too. (Defense, #48, 3rd Pair)

Step 6: Pick your goalie

- As much as we love Jaro, there’s only one goalie you need to know about when you’re learning about the Bruins... 2 U’s 2 K’s 2 Points... Tuukka Rask! The clear MVP of the Playoffs this year, Tuukka has been a brick wall in the net for the B’s. He’s known for being quick tempered and a little... wild, at times, having been caught on camera beating the shit out of a bunch of milk crates and on time brandishing a skate blade at the refs like a knife. Though some fans seem to never forgive Tuukka for the B’s loosing the 2013 playoffs, around these parts we love and respect and rely on his prowess in the net. Off ice, he kinda looks like the grinch (and knows it), though apparently Bergy thinks he looks like Harry Styles (i wish i was kidding). He’s also got 2 adorable little girls! (GOALIE, starter)

So now you’ve got 6 guys that you know about, right? I would pick 1 or 2 of those to be the ones you pay attention to. Listen for headlines about their goals/play, if you’re watching games, look for their numbers on the ice. All you gotta do is be able to say “Wow did you see that Coyle goal on Saturday night?” and all of a sudden you sound like an expert! (This works even better of you choose a guy not from the first category). 

If you have more questions about specific players or lines, feel free to reach out! I know not a lot but I know many people who actually do know things lol

(Also to any of Bruins tumblr who made it this far, I KNOW i’m missing your faves okay. Wagner, Clifton, Nordy, MoJo, Moore, and half the providence roster deserve a spot on here. But I’ve already written too much)

(Also Also, special thanks to Lil for helping me with Monte’s description) 

[screensirenfic]

Black Leather - Chapter 3

“Come and Get Sheetfaced.” Clever wordplay, if you were in fourth grade. The crude illustration of what was supposed to be a tipsy ghost did little more to advertise the marketing genius of head cheerleader and reigning bitch queen Tina.

She’d shoved the neon orange monstrosity into my hand with all the finesse of a football player, cornering both me and Steve on our way out of third period Chem.

“Hope you’ll both come.” She chirped, though I wondered how much of her enthusiasm had been aimed at me, and how much was for my much more agreeable compatriot.

I never liked Tina. Not since she stuck gum in my hair in sixth grade, forcing my dad to get the scissors to my hair when peanut butter failed. It was okay though; I rocked a Mohawk. She’d always been a bitch, but that was fine; she thought I was one too. At least we understood each other.

So; for the sake of appearances, and the almighty sacrifice of actually getting along with some of the populars, I took the damn flyer, determined to dispose of it at a more convenient time.

“So Tina’s throwing another Halloween bash. That should be cool.” Commented Steve, rushing up to walk beside me with his flyer in hand.

I just gave him a look, because Steve already knew what I thought about Tina and how little her boozefests appealed to me.

“Come on, Lo. It could be fun to let loose a little...” He continued to try and convince me with one of those easy smiles that worked so well on Nancy. On me; not so much.

“Drink a little, dance a little. Get crazy!” He grinned, wide eyed with his hands in the air, as if he could embarrass me into relenting.

“Speak for yourself. I’ve had enough crazy in this past year to last a lifetime.” I half joked, but it came off flat. We’d both seen what Hawkins was truly capable of. The kind of horror movie tropes that didn’t even belong on the midnight feature.

Steve’s smile had fallen a little; his happy-go-lucky attitude more forced as of late. It had me wondering how deep that night had really cut him; how many nightmares had him staying awake in the middle of the night.

I’d seen my fair share of shit; been pretty much born into the middle of it. It took a hell of a lot to faze me, and some weird Venus flytrap looking monster wasn’t going to be the thing to send me overboard.

Steve was different.

He was born into the life of perfect privilege; his dad a highflying lawyer in some fancy business firm, his mom a bonafide 50s catalogue housewife. He was a picket fence away from Nancy Wheeler level of holiday special suburban dream, but I suppose being filthy rich stretched some of the parameters substantially.

Sure; he had his problems. The fact that his dad was having an affair on his mom was Hawkins worst kept secret, but his mom was no idiot, and kept Mr Harrington on a tighter leash than a Rottweiler in heat. That meant Steve had his first taste of independent living, with a bachelors pad that could rival Hugh Hefner.

What Steve could see in a girl like me was a mystery. I guess I was pretty; in a drug addict kind of way, and my jokes weren’t too bad once you got past the fact that my humour was drier than the panties of an eighty year old virgin.

Still; Steve could do so much better. He had Nancy, and Tommy, and Carol and a whole list of populars who were just lining up for a minute of his time.

King Steve; they said, though I guess every court needed an outcast. A black sheep to do the dirty work and keep the king’s confidence when his crown got a little off kilter.

“Please don’t make me go to this alone.” He asked; and the honesty in his voice was almost enough to break me entirely. It was easy to forget that being royalty could be draining at times; even for someone as naturally charismatic as Steve.

“You won’t be alone. You’ve got Nancy.” I remarked, honing in on the one indisputable point in my argument for playing hooky just this once.

“Yeah, but it won’t be the same...” Steve argued, though his tone was still light; eyes trailing up to the ceiling as if he saw something interesting up there.

“She doesn’t scare people off half as well.” He joked and I couldn’t help but chuckle, because Steve had the vanity to glance at me to see if he’d won on such cheap shot.

“Steve Harrington; are you asking me to be your bodyguard?” I asked; a smile still stretched across my face because I could play his game too, and fuck; if I wasn’t gonna beat him at it.

“Bodyguard’s a strong word. More like assassin. You can stop me from saying something stupid before Nance kills me for it.” He retorted, and despite our conversation resting firmly in joking territory; I couldn’t help but hear some truth in there.

“Think the word you’re looking for is babysitter.” I corrected him, because I wasn’t quite ready for this conversation to turn serious again just yet.

“Well; you always did say I was immature for my age.” Steve concurred, because only he could make self deprecation seem like a winning strategy.

“So will you come?” He asked; all jokes aside, because I could only dance around the question for so long.

“Steve; I’m sure you’ll be fine without me.” I replied, my voice soft and sincere.

As much as I liked to joke otherwise; he really didn’t need me to hold his hand through everything. He was more capable than me; at least when it came to social settings. I just lurked in the background with a drink in my hand, looking every inch the outsider in my muted shades of black leather.

“Doesn’t mean I don’t want you there.” He countered, and it brought a smile to my face.

After all this time things hadn’t changed. He was still Happy-go-lucky Harrington; dumb perky rich boy with too much hair and not enough sense, and I was still Hellfire Hopper; bitter as a sour ball and twice as hard to stomach. Times changed but people didn’t; not when it came to the things that mattered.

“I’ll think about it.” I offered sincerely as I opened my locker, because that’s the best he was gonna get out of me without blackmail; and we both knew I had far more on him than he had on me.

Steve just nodded, accepting the compromise as a starting point before hurrying off to basketball practice.

He was sweet like that; quick to trust, and quicker to make a fool of. We’d really have to fix that some day, by for now I was thankful.

I screwed up Tina’s party invitation into a satisfying ball that rather festively resembled a pumpkin, before tossing it into the depths of my locker, soon to be forgotten in a mess of colourful cafeteria receipts.

Steve could grill me about it later, and as it was; his grilling was more like a light toasting; thank god for small mercies. His forgiveness was easier to get, and you know what they say; better to ask for forgiveness than permission.

—————————————————

I tried to stand my ground; I really did, but when Steve dug his heels in about something, it would take more than hell or high water to move him. For a teenage boy; he really did nag more than a neglected housewife, and I was finally understanding why my dad never remarried.

I’d almost made a clean getaway, right up until the last bell before final period when I’d opened my locker and that perfect shaped ball of orangeness decided to fall at the feet of one Steve Harrington. He’d unscrunched it, despite my insistence that it was a used cafeteria napkin and probably had something gross like chewed gum in it. Then his face fell, and it hit me like a punch in the gut.

Steve didn’t pick many hills to die upon; always was more of a lay down and roll over kind of guy, but when he picked them; he’d hold them valiantly. Honesty was one of those noble qualities that Steve valued so highly, and was one of the things I could definitely live without.

In the Hopper household; dishonesty was a proud trait held up with the likes of pettiness and just pure grit. If it didn’t kill anyone; it could go without saying, and if it did; well, we’d dealt with that before too.

With Steve, my dishonesty had always been a point of strain, testing our friendship in a way that was usually reserved for married couples.

I lied to him. He knew that. Whether it was to save his feelings, or just to save face; I’d lie more than a politician on Inauguration Day, and with far more credibility. Usually Steve never took it to heart; understood it came with being friends with a compulsive omitter who avoided social responsibility at all costs, but this time was different.

After having chewed my ear off for the better part of study period; he’d relented, but only after the promise that I’d go to Tina’s stupid party, if only to drink her parents booze and maybe tp that obnoxious rose bush in her front yard, but of course I never told Steve that.

So with a very crinkled flyer in tow, I offloaded my books into my locker, very much not looking forward to going to Melvald’s to pull together a costume that said “I’m here under duress.”

“Hey Lola...” Called the unnervingly upbeat voice of Nancy Wheeler, because only she could make Halloween a day of sunshine and rainbows.

I turned to her, noting Jonathan standing beside her with yet another one of Tina’s orange monstrosities in hand. Was everyone going to this party?

“See; even Lola’s going...” She said to Jonathan and I was suddenly aware I’d walked into a conversation I wasn’t sure I wanted to be part of.

“What?” I asked, thinking that if this conversation was about what I think it was, Nancy was being awfully presumptuous.

That, or Steve had a far bigger mouth than I gave him credit for. Scratch that; Steve did have a big mouth.

“I was just telling Jonathan that he should totally come with us to Tina’s party.” She informed with such conviction; I half believed that Steve had somehow managed to talk me into some pseudo double date neither parties had an interest in going on.

“Actually, I was thinking of skipping this year instead and staying in with my dad.” I peddled in with the lamest excuse in the book, which wasn’t entirely a lie.

I was planning on staying in; with Eleven, not my dad, but the night’s itinerary would be roughly the same; too much candy and bad horror movies.

“What?!” Nancy exclaimed, and for a minute she reminded me of Steve.

“What the hell is wrong with you people?” She lamented, as if the idea of anyone shunning the moral wasteland of a popularity contest that was Tina’s Halloween party was foreign to her.

Jonathan got it; his smile was testament to that.

Ever the social outcast; sometimes I felt like he was the only other person who had no desire to be involved with the social niceties that came with being part of the in crowd.

“Sorry Nance. Looks like some people aren’t interested in getting sheet faced” He joked; and I laughed because I was glad I wasn’t the only one who thought that pun was total trash.

Nancy soon realised her approach wasn’t working; the social outrage over the rejection of the party of the year hardly a relevant motivator to those who’d already accepted their place at the outskirts of society.

Instead she took a new angle; putting those optional classes on investigative journalism to good use.

“Okay. You’re gonna go trick or treating and you’re gonna be home by eight...” She began, realising Jonathan was the easier target and taking advantage of that as we strolled towards the school exit.

“Listening to... The Talking Heads... and reading Vonnegut, or something...” She plucked the words out of thin air, summarising Jonathan’s existence beautifully in a a harsh combination of vain existentialism and edgy romanticism, because maybe he was a cliche; but so was me, Steve and Nancy if we were being honest.

Jonathan just shrugged, unfazed at her attempt to highlight his predictability.

“Sounds like a nice night...” He commented, and I laughed, because I could see what he was doing there; and it had nothing to do with his love of American New Wave.

“Sure does; could you use a plus one?” I teased, aiding him in his attempt to drive Miss Nancy Wheeler wild with incredulousness.

“Come on guys! Don’t be a bore!” She griped, because she knew reasoning was getting nowhere, and immaturity may be more Steve’s thing; but my god; if it wasn’t effective!

“Okay, Okay!” I relented, only because I’d agreed this much with Steve, but Nancy didn’t need to know that.

However, she did need to know the very strict conditions of my attendance which I wouldn’t budge over.

“But if the new guy so much as looks at me; I swear to god I’ll...” I began, but couldn’t quite finish before I was swept up in someone’s arms.

Normally being hoisted two feet up in the air would be a cause for alarm, and the shriek I let out was far too feminine for me to pass it off as anything else.

Of course; when the raucous laughter of no other than Steve Harrington was muffled into the back of my jacket, the shock quickly wore off.

“Jesus Christ, Steve! Don’t do that!” I lectured as soon as my boots touched the floor; reaching out to slap him on the shoulder, just in case he got any other ideas for unwelcome surprises.

“Why? You loved it when we were kids...” He countered, releasing his grip around my waist so he could look at me with that dumb too-happy smile.

“Yeah; when I was twelve and you were at least a foot shorter...” I snapped back, because of course; Steve would still act like we were in middle school; immature little shit that he was!

Still; my chastisements always fell short when it came to Steve; his smile just a little too bright to be dimmed by something as dull as maturity and personal space.

Instead; he just beamed down at me, still resembling that lanky kid who’d give me piggybacks all those years ago. Same old Steve.

“And how is the most beautiful girl in the world?” He asked; his attention finally turning to his actual girlfriend, who was waiting far more politely for him than I’d have in her shoes.

“Who? Me?” She asked incredulously; a teasing lilt in her tone, only emphasised by the exaggerated hand on the chest routine. “I thought you were talking about Lola.”

Despite her slight dig, there was no love lost between the pair; teasing giving way to pure gooey eyes that would’ve made me barf from anyone else.

Steve And Nance were lucky I liked them enough for it to be endearing.  Then they started kissing and all bets were off.

“And that’s our cue to leave...” I commented, grabbing Jonathan by the arm and towing him away before tongues came into play.

[jtsodergren]

The Best of 2019

2019, what an exceptional year for movies! A great way to close out the shittiest decade! Here are the 50 best films I saw this year... click on the title to go to the IMDB page, and I’ll try to post a link to where you can see many of them. Also for the first time this year, I’m including MOM WARNINGS! My mom reads this list and sometimes actually watches these movies... so to save her some grief, sadness, or general concern for my psyche, there will be a NOT FOR MOMS!! warning where applicable... here we go!

50. STAR WARS - EPISODE IX: THE RISE OF SKYWALKER (Amazon)

People really hated this movie... I actually really liked it! Aside from the horses running around on the outside of spaceships (which makes no fucking sense... didn’t Leia get all space frozen exactly one movie ago??), it was a satisfying conclusion to a franchise I guess I don’t really care about as much as other people, so I was into it!

49. JOHN WICK: CHAPTER 3 - PARABELLUM (Amazon)

Quickly becoming one of the more well produced action franchises of all time. Probably two too many machine gun shootouts in this one for me (I get a little exhausted with gun violence), but the hand-to-hand stuff is brilliant and bloody and badass! Not to mention the deepening of the mythology and Halle Berry and her dogs. It’s a fun time, a welcome addition to the series, and I can’t wait for number 4.

48. QUEEN & SLIM (Amazon)

Billed as the black BONNIE AND CLYDE and from first time feature director Melina Matsoukas, this atmospheric tragedy is gorgeous to look at, delivers a pair of standout lead performances, and proves to have one of the more stressful final 30min of any of the films I saw this year, even if you know the inevitable conclusion is just around the corner.

47. UNDER THE SILVER LAKE (Amazon PRIME)

A wild Los Angeles noir story from the director of IT FOLLOWS. Plays like if David Lynch directed THE BIG LEBOWSKI, a weird, screwball whodunit. It’s a little long, and there are so many loose ends that seem to be thrown in just to fuck with the protagonist (and the audience), but it’s a really fun time and you’ll want to stay to the end to see it all play out. LA looks gorgeous too.

46. KNOCK DOWN THE HOUSE (Netflix)

Truly inspiring. Really shows how if you put your mind to something, believe in yourself and that you can make a difference, you can accomplish anything. Regardless of your political leanings, or how you feel about AOC personally, this is well worth your time and it has a great message for young people, especially those young women of color who might not think they can achieve great levels of success. It made me cry the happy tears.

45. LONG DAY’S JOURNEY INTO NIGHT (Amazon)

Best known for it’s remarkable 59min-3D final take, this hallucinatory journey through memory and dreams is mind-blowing and breathtaking. Hard not to leave this one feeling like you’ve been put though some kind of experiment that you don’t fully understand, but you’ll want to experience again. Highly recommended if you have access to 3D, or simply have some killer edibles and want to be thrown for a loop.

44. CLIMAX (Amazon PRIME)

NOT FOR MOMS!!

Speaking of being under the influence, holy shit is this film nuts! From Gaspar Noe, who if you’re aware of his work, you kind of already know what you’re in store for here. It’s been described as “FAME directed by the Marquis de Sade”... incredible dance sequences and audacious camerawork that slowly but surely devolves into hell. It’s a blast!

43. HAIL SATAN? (Hulu)

A fresh and funny documentary about a group of smartass Satanists exposing the hypocrisy amongst bible-thumping Christians who’d rather stomp their feet and be the loudest in the room than listen to anyone else’s perspective. Frustrating and entertaining in equal parts, this compulsively watchable film makes you want to scream at these Jesus freaks as much as you want to laugh along with the antics of these harmless, intelligent and organized troublemakers. An excellent time well spent.

42. FIRST LOVE (Amazon)

(Probably) NOT FOR MOMS!!

Director Takashi Miike’s yakuza action-comedy is the most accessible of his films I’ve seen (he’s now made more than 100 movies, which is insane), but that doesn’t mean it’s not a gonzo wild time at the movies. The violence is here in full force, but unlike AUDITION or ICHI THE KILLER, you don’t need a barf bag close by to enjoy it. It’s often hilarious and moves at a breakneck speed. Super fun!

41. THE DEAD DON’T DIE (Amazon PRIME)

Jim Jarmusch’s star-studded, droll zombie-comedy came and went from theaters without much fanfare, but provided me with plenty of laughs. It’s also the second of 3 Adam Driver vehicles to be on this year’s list. Bill Murray and Driver lead the way along with plenty familiar faces in cameos throughout (including the RZA in one of my favorite scene’s of the year). Classic Jarmusch... a meditation on death and mortality in his vintage style.

40. EL CAMINO: A BREAKING BAD MOVIE (Netflix)

Dude, Aaron Paul is a legit GREAT actor. Picks up right where the show left off, and I was on the edge of my seat and filled with anxiety just like I was during the best moments of the now classic series. It was good to hang out with my old friends again.

39. DOCTOR SLEEP (Amazon)

A box office flop due to poor promotion and a title people weren’t familiar with, this sequel to THE SHINING is based on the Stephen King book of the same name, which I read, and I can’t recommend it more. Great suspense, and fantastic performances from both Ewan McGregor and (especially) Rebecca Ferguson. It’s a dark and scary film that is a fun trip back to the Overlook Hotel... provided you wish to return there...

38. THE LAST BLACK MAN IN SAN FRANCISCO (Amazon PRIME)

About 90min into this beautifully shot film I was ready to lock it in as a possible Top 5 contender. Then the bottom fell out for me the last quarter of the movie and lost my confidence. No bother, it’s still wonderful enough to find a spot on the list and carry my recommendation. Young men and women watching their city change before their eyes, and wondering what the concept of “home” really means is a real challenge facing many people here in the Bay Area. This film does a fantastic job conveying that, for most of the film anyway. 

37. THE PEANUT BUTTER FALCON (Amazon)

A bonafide crown-pleaser of a movie, and another example of the true talent Shia LeBeouf has and is capable of (more on him later). A young man with Down Syndrome escapes his assisted-living facility to track down his wrestling idol the Saltwater Redneck with the help of an outlaw and a social worker. Sweet, funny, and heartfelt... a feel good surprise.

36. A BEAUTIFUL DAY IN THE NEIGHBORHOOD (Amazon)

I didn’t cry nearly as much as I did during the excellent documentary WON’T YOU BE MY NEIGHBOR from last year, but if you’re a Mr. Rogers fan, you’ll still shed a few during this heartwarming film. Tom Hanks does his thing, and even though this movie is guilty of borrowing a little too much from the previous doc, it’s still a great showcase for the truly selfless and beautiful force of nature that Fred Rogers was. Bring tissues anyway.

35. CARMINE STREET GUITARS (In Theaters Now)

A love letter to both New York City and the art, joy, and love that goes into honing and maintaining one’s craft. Meanwhile the looming doom of gentrification hovers over the proceedings, never letting you get fully enrapt in the sweetness that these artists (and their many famous customers) exude when talking about and playing their one-of-a-kind works of art. A stunning and lovely piece for musicians and talentless fans of music alike.

34. HOLIDAY (Amazon)

NOT FOR MOMS!!

A tough, cold film with nary a character to actively root for... until after about an hour of icy behavior comes (no pun intended) a scene so shocking in its graphic and disturbing nature, people left the theater without staying for the final resolution. First time director Isabella Eklof pulls off the bold and audacious maneuver, all while making it seem like she doesn’t care whether you like her characters (or her film) at all. It’s a very fine balancing act, executed to perfection. But be warned... it’s rough.

33. AVENGERS: ENDGAME (Disney+)

What can I say? You saw it. It’s good. A bunch of Supermans fly around and blow shit up. A satisfying end (until the next 20 films).

32. MIDSOMMAR (Amazon Prime)

NOT FOR MOMS!!

A disturbing slow burn of a gothic horror film. Characters do hallucinogens while ritualistic religious murders and tribal mating practices threaten to ruin everyones existence. Florence Pugh is phenomenal (more from her in a minute) in a very trying roll. Doesn’t pack quite the punch of the director’s last film, HEREDITARY, but it’s still well worth the watch. But yeah, it’s disturbing.

31. APOLLO 11 (Hulu)

A fascinating look at the first moon landing from rarely seen archival footage and audio. Seeing it on the IMAX screen was intense and exhilarating, unlike narrative pictures like the severely overrated FIRST MAN. This isn’t my favorite documentary of the year, but it is an absolute lock to win the Academy Award for Best Doc of 2019. It’s a must see, a must experience.

30. HIGH LIFE (Amazon PRIME)

NOT FOR MOMS!!

French auteur Claire Denis’ bizarre, erotic sci-fi mindfuck about isolation and humanity is not for everyone, but is a brilliant take on the genre, and is yet another showcase for Robert Pattinson, who is quietly becoming one of my favorite working actors. Juliette Binoche also is on fire here and has what one critic calls “the single greatest one-person sex scene in the history of cinema.” So it has that going for it.

29. TRIPLE FRONTIER (Netflix)

A fully loaded heist film with no real bad guy, but instead a group of recognizable badasses in a Netflix-released action thrill ride. There’s absolutely no reason this should’ve worked, or even been half as good as it is, but boy is it good! Compulsively watchable, and rewatchable. If this were on Showtime as much as DEN OF THIEVES is I’d have seen it 30 times by now. It’s one of the most pleasant surprises of the year.

28. 1917 (Amazon)

An unbelievable visual achievement from cinematographer Roger Deakins and director Sam Mendes. The story isn’t the greatest war story ever told (are there great war stories?), but it’s shot to look like one continuous long take, sustained for 2hrs. It’s really an unbelievable feat, but doesn’t come off as gimmicky or distracting. It’s intense, beautifully staged, and sad. A big screen spectacle. 

27. TOY STORY 4 (Amazon)

Woody and the gang are back, and the films continue to keep the dust from collecting. It’s still so much fun to hang out with this group of misfit toys. There was talk that after the incredible TOY STORY 3 this was just a money grab and was labeled unnecessary, but I found it to be a sweet, charming, and nostalgic trip I was glad I took.

26. HONEYLAND (Hulu)

My pick for documentary of the year comes from the mountains of Macedonia, where a woman named Hatidze lives with her dying mother making a living cultivating honey. When a family of shitheads moves into a shanty next door, what seems like a fix for her lonely existence becomes catastrophic as they disregard her teachings and threaten her livelihood. I was an emotional wreck throughout the experience and it goes without saying it’s a must-see. Gorgeous and heartbreaking.

25. LITTLE WOMEN (Amazon)

I have never read the book, nor seen any of the film adaptations, so I went in blind to this lovely film. Director Greta Gerwig follows up the phenomenal LADYBIRD with this Altman-esque rendition of the widely beloved literary classic. I found it exceptional in its execution and performances, including the previously mentioned Florence Pugh, who is a knockout. A wonderful addition to the ever-growing stable of Christmas films I look to enjoy during future Decembers.

24. GREENER GRASS (Hulu)

It’s as if Tim & Eric made BLUE VELVET. Bizarre, outrageous, gross, and a guaranteed future midnight movie favorite. My sides hurt. A satire skewering upper-middle class suburban soccer moms and dads alike. Babies are given away. A boy turns into a dog. Everyone has braces. There’s a creep on the loose. It’s wild and flat-out hilarious literally from start to finish. Almost too many jokes to keep up with. Watch it! Bring weed. 

23. RELAXER (Amazon)

NOT FOR MOMS!!

Speaking of gross, this film is disgusting, but in a good way. A satire about lazy consumerism and self-destruction. It’s a short hang, thankfully, but if you can stomach it to the end (remember, it’s nasty) you’ll be rewarded with not only a hilarious dark comedy, but also an unexpected haymaker of sadness you didn’t see coming. It’s a pretty impressive feat, and an overall success. But, yeah, it’s fucking gross. 

22. AD ASTRA (Amazon)

APOCALYPSE NOW in space starring Brad Pitt. If you need more information than that, I don’t really know what else to do for you. 

21. SLUT IN A GOOD WAY (Amazon PRIME)

(Probably) NOT FOR MOMS!!

A black-and-white raunchy French arthouse teen comedy that gives a middle finger to the double standard set by the equally raunchy teen-boys-will-be-boys genre. It’s so much fun, and honest, and the actors are such natural talents you forget the subject matter is at times shocking (only because of said double standard) and just go with it. I think it’s just wonderful. Seek it out!

20. US (HBO)

Jordan Peele’s excellent follow-up to GET OUT. Doppelganger home invasion terror with a killer twist. To describe more would be to risk giving something away. I’ll just say that Lupita Nyong’o is my pick to win her second Oscar, this time as Best Actress, here in a dual role. She’s incredible. If you haven’t seen it, try to go in blind, you’ll be rewarded.

19. THE FAREWELL (Amazon PRIME)

A heartfelt homecoming film about family, culture, and how the things we don’t say can be just as strong of a show of love as the things we do say. It’s sweet, tender, and bursting with personal flare and emotions from director Lulu Wang. Awkwafina also curbs her more manic and loud tendencies as a performer for more quiet, thoughtful, and somber choices. She’s phenomenal. 

18. KNIVES OUT (Amazon)

A clever ensemble whodunit that’s just as funny and smart as it is mysterious. Everyone across the board delivers as the assorted motley crew. The film rewards repeat viewings and Daniel Craig knocks it out of the park, stealing every scene he’s in, reminding us all what a fantastic actor he can be when he’s not sipping the Vespers. 

17. BOOKSMART (Hulu)

The female SUPERBAD is the elevator pitch, but this coming-of-age gem is really unlike any other example in the genre. They’re privileged, uber-smart, and have never partied. Yet they have the same neuroses as any other teen scared to death of what to do next or how to be normal. It’s also fucking hilarious. You wanna hang out with these girls and at the same time bury your head under the covers because you feel their pure terror/embarrassment. It’s a blast.

16. THE MUSTANG (Amazon)

Starring Matthias Schoenaerts, one of the finest actor’s working today, this understated and emotional drama about rehabilitation and redemption floored me upon first viewing. It is a gorgeous film. You’ve probably seen stories similar to this before, but rarely is one told with such compelling conviction. A borderline masterpiece. 

15. HONEY BOY (Amazon PRIME)

Remember a few years back we had the McConaissance, where everything Matthew McConaughey did was solid gold after years of middling bullshit? I’m calling it right now: Shia LaBeouf is about to have the same thing. He wrote the script and plays a version of his own father in a brutal version of his own fucked up childhood as an up-and-coming child actor. It’s heartbreaking and absolutely riveting. I’m hoping he gets an Oscar nod, but regardless I implore you to seek this film out, he’s incredible. 

14. MONOS (Hulu)

(Probably) NOT FOR MOMS!!

A bizarre, bewildering, chaotic, and unsettling film. Some of the most beautiful photography I saw on the big screen this year, yet some of the most surreal and disturbing imagery as well. It’s a militarized, Latin American LORD OF THE FLIES with commentary on tribal behavior and violence. It can be a tough sit, but boy is it beautiful. 

13. DOLEMITE IS MY NAME (Netflix)

What a wonderful, welcome surprise! Eddie Murphy in an awards caliber performance as Rudy Ray Moore, the multi-hyphenate performer who created the alter ego Dolemite, spawning a film franchise and many legendary comedy albums. It’s obviously hilarious, and a great behind-the-scenes biopic, but also shockingly sweet and heartfelt, even between all the cuss words. I even teared up a couple times. The 3rd best thing Netflix released this year (more on that in a minute).

12. JOKER (Amazon)

You already saw this.

11. THE IRISHMAN (Netflix)

It’s far too long. It could’ve done with being cut as a three part miniseries or special. There’s about 45min worth of scenes that are quintessential DVD bonus features (I’m looking at you Action Bronson), but goddamn if it’s not Scorsese doing his Scorsese thing. It’s a gangster film, but it’s also a meditation on aging and death. Pesci is incredible and Pacino steals the show. Sure, the de-aging thing is distracting, the curb stomping scene is embarrassing. But still, I mean... IT’S MARTIN SCORSESE!

10. PAIN AND GLORY (Amazon)

Pedro Almodovar’s most personal work to date, a tale about making art and the loneliness of love. If you are unfamiliar with his work, this is a great jumping off point. His movies can be challenging and dark, but this film has such joy and hope amongst the heartache. The final reveal, while not earth shattering on paper, is nonetheless so moving it left the screening I attended without a dry eye in the place. It is his best film yet. 

9. THE LIGHTHOUSE (Amazon)

From the director of THE WITCH comes another type of gothic horror, this time with the legendary Willem Dafoe and the (already mentioned) brilliant Robert Pattinson marooned on a lighthouse rock alone to drive each other completely insane. It’s hallucinatory, violent, disorienting, and flat-out brilliant. If it weren’t for another guy we’ll get to in a minute, Dafoe would be a lock for Best Supporting Actor here. It’s a slightly challenging film, with the period style mariner dialogue, but it’s just as funny as it is terrifying.

8. JOJO RABBIT (Amazon)

A beautiful, touching, funny, crowd-pleasing comedy about a little Nazi whose imaginary friend is Hitler. Yep, your read that correctly. There are about a million reasons this should absolutely not work. Yet, it’s one of the best theater going experiences I had this year. A must see... ESPECIALLY with Mom!

7. MARRIAGE STORY (Netflix)

The best written and acted film of the year, and the third Adam Driver vehicle to appear here. Sad but honest. Touching but brutal. It’s awkward and a bit of a bummer, but there’s such great work being done here, in front of and behind the camera. Noah Baumbach is a force of nature, and has yet to make a film I was even iffy about. He’s the real deal and this might be his masterpiece. 

6. WAVES (Amazon)

Speaking of auteurs, Trey Edward Shults is now 3/3 on features after the brilliant KRISHA and IT COMES AT NIGHT. Here he follows a middle-class black family, led by a domineering father, through a tragic moment in all of their lives. The first half deals with the son’s story, then abruptly switches to the daughter’s life post said event. It shouldn’t work, yet somehow manages to be one of the most emotionally affecting pieces of art I saw this year. The camera never stops moving, constantly swirling and whirling and you can’t help to be sucked up into it. It’s a beautiful tragedy.

5. LONG SHOT (HBO)

The biggest and most pleasant surprise of the year. An opposites-attract rom-com with more brains, bite, social commentary, and laughs than it has any right to have. Easily the most fun you’ll have with (almost) the whole family... there’s a lot of cum jokes. But don’t let the vulgarity dissuade you! It’s a total riot with just the right amount of sweetness to balance out the saltiness. I love love love this movie.

4. THE ART OF SELF-DEFENSE (Hulu)

What starts as a strange, dark comedy morphs into a FIGHT CLUB-esque thriller with allusions to disturbingly toxic masculinity and an offbeat take on what it takes to “be a man.” It is laugh-out-loud hilarious, and expertly made, while really having something to say, and it says it in a way I’ve never really seen before. It’s not surprising this didn’t get more attention, the characters are truly difficult to relate to, let alone root for, but as far as originality goes, you’d be hard pressed to find anything this year much better than this. 

3. UNCUT GEMS (Amazon)

(Probably) NOT FOR MOMS!!

The cinematic equivalent of being locked in the brain of a lunatic having a cocaine-fueled anxiety attack. If that sounds like fun (AND IT IS!!!) then this is the film for you! Oh, and Adam Sandler is going to be nominated for an Oscar for Best Actor. For real. It’s a chaotic, stress-filled masterpiece.

2. ONCE UPON A TIME... IN HOLLYWOOD (Amazon)

My favorite filmmaker’s 2nd best film. A personal story about the love of film during the late 60s, a time of dirty hippies and Charles Manson, as well as the passing of the torch from old Hollywood to the “golden age” of cinema. It’s a fairytale of sorts, with Tarantino’s trademark flare for spontaneous violence and mining multiple genres to make his most mature work since PULP FICTION. I’ve been rewarded with new takeaways upon each subsequent viewing, and my love and appreciation for it only grows and grows. Brad Pitt is a lock for Best Supporting Actor, he’s magnificent. It was always going to be my #1 with a bullet no matter what, because it’s just that great...

1. PARASITE (Amazon)

...but then Bong Joon-ho, the master of new Korean cinema unleashed PARASITE. Not only is it the best film of 2019, it’s one of the best films I have ever seen. Like EVER ever. He is in such astonishing control of his craft it’s hard not to sit back and marvel and the sheer skill on display. You can be laughing one moment and then recoiling in horror during the same breath. He’s using multiple genre tropes, incredible set design, pitch perfect acting/writing, and such exquisite planning you can’t possibly know what’s in store for you from one scene to the next. It is an absolute masterpiece and if it doesn’t sweep every category it’s nominated for at this year’s Oscars, it’ll be a travesty. If you have even a passing interest in film as an art form, the power it can wield, and the messages it can convey, you owe it to yourself to see this film. It’s perfect.

Well, there it is. Thanks for reading any part of this. Now go see PARASITE. I love you.

[notsosmallbean]

Hey so I actually wrote these notes down in my notebook during a free period in school, so you will be getting my bonafide reactions, just a few days after I actually had them.  Soooo, let’s go!

Rapunzel and the Great Tree

From the few things I’ve heard, shit’s gonna go down this episode

Adira’s back!

Wait, that demon guy was pertinent?!?

Note to self: King Edmund

Who’s this Hector dude?!

He looks wild!

Oh okay, so this whole thing is why Adira’s after Rapunzel

Oh shoot pit of spikes-

YO, NOW THAT’S A TREE

Huh... is Hector the bad guy this season?

Tbh, Cassandra is right about her being reckless...

Okay, I was gonna comment on something but Hector’s back so I’ll wait on that

where the FUCK did he get a rhino?!?!

SINCE WHEN CAN IT DO THAT

this guy is lowkey kinda badass

Adira!

Adira...

Inspirational speech to the horses!

That’s pretty dope.

Seriously, can she at all read that scroll?

Quirin!!!! TnT

there are trees IN the tree!

ohhh ZANTIRI!!

Hey, I just realized this episode is 40 minutes-

Ah shit-

Those idiots are falling behind-

Ooh, magic pond~

So Gothel knew this location..!

Ah shit, drug flowers-

Oh no, not a song!

Ah, how can I complain? It’s fun and cute.

Hey, you can’t just leave us (and them) hanging-

RAPUNZEL, SHUT UP

WHAT?!?!

Oh my god this is creepy

Thank God! Max and Pascal!

Smart move, Pascal.

Rapunzel!!! You’re killing your friends!!!

Oh thank god she’s okay-

Well, I know what I’m drawing for this episode!

:O

>:O

Noooo! Cassie!

Oh no... I have a bad feeling about this...

Okay, flashback time!

Short hair Raps brings me back~

AWWWWWW!

now I’m sad

Lowkey, you know how there are some TV protagonists who have to apologize like every episode? Yeah, Rapunzel is kinda the opposite of that. Like, she does something jerky and then is like “why is cass acting so weird???”  Same stuff happened in season one.  Like, the kid did go overboard, but his dad is dying/dead and you didn’t do jack.  She treated Pascal super awfully and only realized it after being told by stupid racist leaf demons! Grrr... admit your wrongdoings!

her apology wasn’t an apology

it was just her lying about her own judgement abilities

OH MY GOD CASSANDRA SONG OH MY G

AHEM.......... I totally feel her in this song and I’m legit crying right now.  I FEEL SO BAD and, even though I’m 8 years younger than her I AM ADOPTING HER. Literally, I have fallen so in love with her this season.  I just love her so much...

SHIT SHIT SHIT HECTOR’S HERE

They can climb, right?

Why isn’t his sword breaking??

Yasss Cassie is my queen!

He’s not dead?!

Okay but the retractable sword is cool as heck

Shiny spear~

SHIT

on the plus side, the vines are easily cut

aw yay, they’re making up!

GET THE STICK!

NO RAPUNZEL YOU DUMBASS

FUGKIGN STOP

NO CASS!!!

Yeah, I knew she was susp!

Heck off, Two-Face!

Heal her!!!!!!

mmm, sounds like a bad idea, but okay

Yo, this episode was sick as hell.  I would just like to say, you heard it here first folks! I knew Adira was not to be trusted. But also??? they’re still taking her help and it really bugs me.  The scenery in this episode was really pretty, and uh??? Two songs??? Sign me up! I mentioned it before, but Cassie has grown on me so much! The lore here was sick and I really enjoyed the whole thing! Totally one of my favs!