#solly is a lil confused

[listenupcupcakes]

Mini moose

He's so small.

so round?

...

I'M SURE HE'S AN AMAZING SOLDIER WHEN DEFENDING HIS COUNTRY.

Can we wield a weapon?

[fenningrya]

i need to know

on ya first post, the art of scout, demo and solly

is soldier looking at demo? <3 (its a lil hard to tell :'3)

Hi!! Solider is supposed to be looking at Scout since he’s showing him and Demo something in the magazine. Sorry it got confusing!

[prettyboypistol]

It says requests are open but please feel free to ignore if not and ofc don't do it if you do not feel like it or don't have inspo but may I request the mercs (tf2) reacting to finding out the reader (male ofc) has a voice kink and got turned on hearing them talk? Thank you in advance! have a nice day/night !! - transleviathan

Tf2 Mercs Realizing You Have a Voice Kink! || x Male!Reader +/18

Scout

Oh God, he gets so turned on when you tell him.

He already dirty talk babbles, now it's a hell of a lot more intentional.

Pulls you close and whispers dirty things in your ears

"Hey there, baby boy, wanna have a quickie?"/"Hey there prettyboy, you doing anythin' later tonight?"/"I got a bucket of chicken-"

Jeremy HAS and will CONTINUE TO take this as a massive ego stroke that makes him feel high as a kite.

Has asked to see if just his voice can get you off. (embarrassed when it can)

MAFIA VOICE HOTSHOT SCOUT THO

Soldier

He's really confused at first, but understands it after you lay on the compliments about how manly and hot his voice is.

Likes viewing it as him being superior to you in an authority figure in a military sense.

Solly likes dropping his voice suddenly to make you scream in surprise. He likes how you tense up and blush.

High key wants to kiss you when you get embarrassed.

Thinks it's funny when you giggle eagerly when he insults you in a deep voice.

Demoman

He's kinda caught off guard that you find his voice hot, but takes it and sprints with it.

Absolutely turns up the Scottish pet names and slang terms to fluster you. "Attaboy, there's a good lad." Is his favorite way to praise you.

Think it's cute how excited you get when he mutters under his breath.

Tavish grumbles an exasperated "Jesus christ.." and suddenly he has a cute Lil boyfriend in his lap and trying to kiss his face off.

PINS YOU DOWN AND DIRTY TALKS

Engineer

Oh this man takes it and runs with it. As soon as you tell him you like, really, like his voice, he feels his heart flutter

High key wants to role-play a cowboy and outlaw scene where he catches you and you 'convince' him not to turn you in.

You get "howdy"'d a lot more lol

SO MANY SOUTHERN NICKNAMES

Can't help but drop his voice and feel you up, God, he loves the reaction you give. You better be prepared for hot hyperfixation rants

Pyro

Overjoyed that someone actually likes their voice- not in the invasive way. When you confess that you find the muffling of their voice from their gas mask.

They like that your Kink isn't more... explicitly their voice, moreso the muffling.

The heavy breathing and little whines that you can hear when you're close.. nobody else hears that but you, and it turns you on.

Pyro likes talking to you through little orders that are easy to understand. (mmt./sit, mhpay./stay, mm mny./good boy)

Likes grabbing you by your hair and pulling you close to make you listen to the hissing of air from the gas mask.

Heavy

GOD. DAMN. This man goes above and beyond with his accent and russian talk around you after you tell him

He's super flustered but also really happy that you find his voice attractive! He's always been insecure about how he sounds in English because he sounds stupid when he talks in English.

When you express attraction to Heavy's voice, he gets all happy and confident.

"Oh? You like Heavy's voice!" Heavy pins you against a wall, his laugh shaking you. "Good."

Medic

"Oh, but listening to me talking about vivisections grosses you out?" kind of teasing

HUUUUGE ego boost to him, def likes teasing you with his voice and gently touching you in little ways (grabbing thighs, petting stomach, rubbing neck) ALL TOUCHING FROM BEHIND JESUS CHRIST

Again, loves holding you from behind and growling things int your ear as he kisses your neck. (please introduce him to mirror sex PLEASE)

German. So. Much. Fucking. German.

Wants to teach you German so so so badly!!!!

Spy

he knew you had a voice kink as soon as he talked to you.

He loves sneaking up on you and whispering dirty french in your ear. You don't know exactly what he's saying, but you know it's said to make you blush.

Only translates the dirty talk to english to fluster you further with an "Oh, I'm sorry dear, let me translate.."

Spy loves making you flustered with different voices, especially with roleplay scenes (loves dressing up in elaborate roles i'll die on this hill)

Sniper

Pins you against a wall and whispers into your ear, close enough for you to feel the warmth of his breath. "Oh, so you gotta thing for Aussies then? Right, I can work with that, darlin'~"

This man WILL bring you on a sniping mission and order you to get off as his eyes are trained on the target.

Likes how he can just order you to be aroused, just by a certain word or inflection in his speech. He grins like a predator when he realizes his power over you and God. You know it's over for you.

Has offered to dirty talk his way into getting road head

[pope-neuro]

Give headcanon for merc.

(Sorry I been taking so long to get to these, I’ve been dealing with the sudden death of my baby bird, life has been kinda terrible this week)

NOTE: There will be some suggestive stuff in here but most of it is for comedic purposes

General merc headcanons:

Scout:

-my boi got adhd like you would not believe

-The poor bastard cannot focus on anything for the life of him, no matter how hard he tries

-One of the reasons why he has trouble with reading, he was never really able to focus enough to figure it out, as that’s something that takes a LOT of time and a LOT of focus.

-Really talented artist tho! He loves drawing and keeps a sketchbook or two in his room! He likes to doodle before bed each night, it helps him calm down

-Somehow gay and homophobic at the same time

-Would absolutely lose his shit over the blue lobster meme no matter how old it gets

Soldier:

-My goofy ahh uncle

-The physical embodiment of “he a lil confused, but he got the spirit”

-Bro does not give a FUCK what anyone else thinks and I respect the hell out of that

-The men in his family were all in the military, which is one of the reasons why he’s obsessed

-secretly very insecure that he never actually made it into the official military

-Puts up a front so he can avoid feeling like a disappointment sometimes

-Solly is one of those people that sleeps like a LOG. Literally nothing can wake him up other than his own internal clock, which conveniently goes off at 6am.

-It is at this point in the morning when he goes around the base and attempts to make everyone else get up. Most are not pleased.

-Bi as fuck. He kisses men. He kisses women. He literally does not care, a beautiful person is a beautiful person, son.

-He calls his partner “son”.

Pyro:

-He is my son

-I love my son so much I am so proud of him for just existing.

-Pyro’s name is Ernesto

-His mask is literally just his face, like the plague doctor SCP. What appears to be clothing is actually just his body.

-He is from another planet, and the oxygen in our atmosphere has hallucinatory effects on members of his species

-Poor baby is basically in a haze 100 percent of the time :( but he does his absolute best!

-He literally only wants to spread peace, love, and flower power

-Fire makes him feel nice, because it’s bright and it’s warm. Fire is friendly and comforting. It helps ground him in this strange world.

Demo:

-Under-appreciated as fuck holy shit

-Probably one of the most hardworking people on the team, if not THE most

-This guy is doing multiple jobs at once in addition to his demanding work as a mercenary.

-He’s actually super smart! He may not act like it when he’s super drunk, but he seriously does know what he’s doing

-Chemistry EXPERT. Can he please help me with my chem 101 homework I literally could never. I know he’s smart because chemistry is fucking impossible and he loves the subject

-sometimes works with Engie to develop new types of bombs!

-My theory is that he turned to alcohol in order to cope with the chronic burnout he must be facing by working so many jobs at once. Just helps him check out of life for a while, but unfortunately that comes at the cost of his liver.

-Fr tho how the fuck is he even alive, he drinks HYDROGEN PEROXIDE at one point, which isn’t even related to alcohol at all, it’s literally just a poisonous chemical💀

-I have reason to believe he now has epilepsy as a result of medic damaging his hippocampus while scooping his brain, I made a post about this a while ago if you’re interested in more details

-He is very much in need of a hug

-I love him so much

-You’re doin good lad

Heavy:

-One of the smartest people on the team, despite what you might perceive at first glance.

-The only reason he may sound “dumb” to some people is because English is his second language, and he has a very hard time speaking it.

-Fr tho English sucks, I have no idea how people learn it later in life on their own

-In the Russian dub of meet the heavy, he speaks a lot more eloquently. Definitely strikes me as the type of person to have a PhD in Russian literature.

-His dream was to one day become an author, but mercenary work got in the way because it was the best way to provide for his family overseas.

-He still writes from time to time in a small notebook he keeps by his bed, in the hopes that one day he’ll publish something

-He will

-Gay AF

-The literal definition of a Bear

-His guns are his babies, he literally loves them like they’re his children.

-Honestly I feel that way about my PC so I get it😭

Engie:

-Also a very underrated character

-Ties with medic for Smartest On The Team

-Engie just puts his genius towards more practical (and less unhinged) use

-I mean clearly he’s not TOTALLY stable, he did cut off his own arm to attach the gunslinger

-Always felt the need to prove himself growing up. Because of where he’s from, people tended to assume he was kinda stupid based on stereotypes. He obviously ended up proving everyone wrong.

-Is autistic and has OCD. He needs to do things a certain way or he can get extremely upset, especially in his workshop. It’s his safe space that is not to be invaded unless he is expecting you.

-Acts like a father figure to pyro. Basically the only one who isn’t unsettled by him (other than maybe medic)

-He definitely takes pyro fishing on the weekends

-Very talented singer, but he’ll absolutely deny it if you tell him. He’s super humble about everything

-But nah everyone else always loves to listen to him sing and play the guitar when they’re all hanging out at the fire pit.

-He’s such a dad I love him

Medic:

-Medic is my wife

-Smartest member of the team along with Engie

-Actually very strong! He lifted soldier up by the collar in expiration date, and he’s gotta weigh at LEAST 250.

-Also carries around heavy equipment all day, and is STILL the second fastest runner on the team, only behind scout.

-Medic is actually a pretty big dude. It’s just hard to notice when he’s standing next to heavy who is an actual giant. I think medic is canonically like 6’1 or something. Big dude. Wide shoulder. Booba. 👍

-Of course he looks small when he’s near heavy, EVERYONE looks small standing next to heavy

-Bi medic Bi medic Bi medic Bi medic

-Contrary to popular belief, he DOES indeed have the title of “Doctor”. In order to get a medical license in the first place, you are required to complete med school and obtain an MD or DO degree. Licensure and degrees are two separate things. You can lose a license, but you can’t be stripped of the education you already learned. The title of “Doctor” comes with a degree, not a license, as we have seen with engineer and Heavy’s PhD’s.

-He’s autistic with a special interest in medicine! If he’s not actively in battle, his in his lab working on shit. He LOVES it. It’s basically the only subject he cares about (source: am autistic w/ medical special interest. Am I projecting? Maybe but oh well)

-He very clearly knows what he’s doing, even though his methods are kinda fucked💀

-He’s succeeded in literally raising the dead multiple times in addition to inventing all of his healing devices completely his own.

-Hangs out with Engie when he’s not working on stuff, they both enjoy building/inventing devices and they enjoy talking about their shared special interests. He is closest with Engie and heavy out of everyone on the team.

-The only one that knows pyro is an SCP

-He’s a hoe. A massive hoe

-we are married

Sniper:

-Emotions are scary and Should Not Exist

-Also autistic! The man has literally no idea how to speak to other humans, and talks to himself constantly (am autistic, can confirm)

-MASSIVE introvert, has to retreat to his van a couple times a day to recharge

-He likes to draw birds he sees while on the job!

-Likes plain black coffee which I will never understand it’s so fucking bitter literally wh

-Doesn’t like people to know he’s somehow only 27 years old despite looking like he could be my dad when in reality he’s only like 7.5 years older than me

-He could be my brother but he looks like he could be my dad wtf

-One of those lucky bastards who doesn’t burn in the sun easily, he’s outside constantly

-His ideal place to be would be outdoors on a nice sunny day. A wide open area with no one else around.

-Puts his hat over his face when he sleeps because of course he does

-He Is Not Straight

Spy:

-Pan, poly

-Canonically enjoys his romances “in groups of six”

-Spy hosts orgies guys, valve’s words not mine

-Sigma chad, has fucked your mom and will do it again

-Is not aware that he smells terrible from smoking all the time

-God knows how many children he’s left behind because he’s afraid of staying in any type of committed relationship

-Very similar to sniper in that emotions are Scary

-Speaks every language known to mann

-He absolutely has a sex dungeon. In this video he literally has plans to “remodel his dungeon”:

https://youtu.be/IIoBW__Y8DY

-WHAT OTHER KIND OF DUNGEON WOULD HE HAVE

-ITS A SEX DUNGEON

-HE’S HAD IT LONG ENOUGH THAT IT NEEDS REMODELING

-Probably has the best social skills out of anyone else on the team

-Possibly a sociopath? Or just very good at hiding his intentions and motivations

-Spy is awesome but also I love making fun of him

-Haha skinny legg mann

Im so sorry poor anon asked this like a month ago😭😭 but I wanted to be really thorough with my headcanons!! I hope you like em and feel free to ask me more shit :))

[fruit-teeth]

Chronicles of Love and War (chapter 14)

The mercenaries met outside the following morning shortly after daybreak to prepare for their attack. However, Engineer was a bit late, and there did not seem to be any sign of him.

“Was he in the lab?” Medic wanted to know, laying out his tools for the day. “I did not see him there…”

“No. Think he was in the garage.” Heavy explained.

“The garage?” Spy repeated, confused. “Why on earth would he be in there?”

Before anyone could suggest a possible answer, there was a clatter a few feet away. Engineer did indeed come out of the garage, pulling something big and heavy in a cart covered in a tarp.

“Hey, y’all!” he wheezed, struggling with the weight of the item. “I��sorry, I dunno why this feels so hard to do all of the sudden! Usually I’m—”

Heavy went right to his side, pulling the cart the rest of the way. “Should ask for help,” he gently scolded the other man.

Engineer sheepishly trailed after Heavy as he pulled the cart the rest of the way, "Yeah...uh...I was going to."

Scout stood up and began to lift up the tarp as Heavy pushed the cart into the middle of the outdoor training area. “What’cha got under here, hardhat?”

Engineer gently smacked Scout’s hand away. “I’m gonna show you! I’m gonna show you…” he cleared his throat. “So! Last night, I spent a good couple hours putting together what I think is gonna help us take out this witch!” he tugged the tarp down, revealing a large, circular object with a nozzle that resembled a vacuum tube. It had a few settings and buttons on it, and an opening at the top which had a small door.

“Only a few hours?!” Demoman exclaimed, stepping up to run his hand over the object. “What’s it for, anyway?”

“It’s a hydropump!” Engineer grinned with pride. “Water goes in the top, and this lil’ thing shoots it out!” he tapped the tube. “Took no time to put together, honestly, I just combined a couple other items I already had in my storage.”

“Isn’t this just a hose?” Sniper pointed out, picking up the tube and looking down into it.

“Careful, wouldn’t put my face there if I were you,” Engineer shooed Sniper away from the tube. “And no, it ain’t just a hose! It’s got adjustable settings, see?” he reached over to the buttons on the machine, pointing each one out. “Low, medium, and high! See? Y’all wanna test it?”

“Hell yeah!” Scout bounced with excitement. “What can we spray with water?”

Soldier leapt in front of the hydro-pump. “Me! Spray me!”

Engineer let out a laugh. “Eh, heh, Solly – that ain’t exactly safe. The highest pressure on this thing is strong, it might rip you to shreds!”

Soldier puffed his chest out. “No way! I wish to be sprayed with water, private!”

“He’s not going to back down,” Medic sighed. “Just put it on the lowest pressure and hit him with it!”

“Fine, fine,” Engie relented, turning the dial to the lowest setting. He hit a switch, and as the machine rumbled to life, he picked up the nozzle and pointed it in Soldier’s direction.

A jet of water shot out of the nozzle and smacked Soldier in the chest, drenching him completely. He tumbled onto his back, gasping in alarm but laughing at the same time. Pyro rushed up to him, bending down and grabbing him to help him stand.

“That was the lowest setting!?” Sniper exclaimed, bewildered.

“That thing’s going to kill somebody,” Lar-Nah took a few steps away from the hydro-pump, glaring at it a little.

“I mean…that’s the goal,” Engineer shrugged, turning the device off. “Y’all wanna see it on the highest setting?”

“Again! Hit me again!” Soldier demanded.

Heavy walked over and scooped him up. “No! Need something else to spray…something not alive.”

“I have the perfect thing!” Medic turned around and rushed into the base, the door slamming behind him. He returned moments later, carrying a CPR dummy.

“Didn’t you just buy that?” Spy questioned, watching as Medic set the dummy up in front of the hydro-pump.

Medic set up the dummy and patted its rubber head before jogging off to join the others. “Oh, please, I already know CPR. That’s not what I use those for, anyway!” he gestured to Engineer. “Blast it down!”

Engineer switched the pump to a higher setting, pointing the nozzle at the dummy. A burst of water struck the dummy, sending it flying several feet into the surrounding shrubs.

When the hydro-pump stopped spraying, Scout ran over to the bushes with a squeal of delight. “Oh, hell yeah! Look at that! Blew his lil’ head clean off!” he reached into the bushes and pulled out the dummy’s head, waving it around. He tossed it to Pyro, who caught it and then passed it to Medic.

“Damn…” Engineer blew out a whistle, admiring the destruction the pump had wrought on the CPR dummy. “And that’s only the medium setting! Imagine what the highest setting could do…”

When the door opened, Engineer turned around to see Helen and Merasmus standing there. “Oh! Hi,” Engie greeted. “We weren’t expecting to see you two yet…”

“What is that?” Merasmus asked, pointing to the pump with a concerned expression.

“It sprays water and decapitates hippies!” Soldier shouted, running up to Merasmus and trying to scoop him up.

“Don’t touch my cloak! You’ll get it dirty!” Merasmus snapped at Soldier, placing a hand on him and keeping him a distance away. “I do hope this is not all you are going to bring to try and fight off Zelda…”

“Of course not!” Engineer assured him. “We got all our weapons out, we’re gonna start our more advanced training in a second,”

“Yes, and I’ll be overseeing it,” Helen announced, pulling up one of the lawn chairs and taking a seat. “My thought was I would accompany you this time…I don’t know who this ‘Zelda’ thinks she is, but she’s got another thing coming if she thinks I’m going to let this slide.”

“You sure that’s safe?” Demoman asked, picking up the other remains of the CPR dummy.

“Trust me, everything will be fine…” Helen assured him.

As the training continued, no one seemed to notice they were being watched. Zhanna gazed out at the group though a window of the room that had been designated as her saferoom.

It was for her own good. She was aware of this, but it didn't stop her from wishing she could be there with them. It simply didn't feel just. But what could she do? It wasn’t safe.

Zhanna slowly sat down on the sofa, switching on the television to try and take her mind off things. She felt her baby shift and responded by gently drumming her abdomen with her prosthetic hand's fingertips.

Right at that moment, there was a knock on the saferoom door. Zhanna stood up, going to the door, her hand hovering over the lock. “Who is it?”

“It is us!” Bronislava’s voice replied.

Zhanna grinned, and she unlocked the door to let her sisters in. “Come in!”

Bronislava and Yana stepped in, both carrying bags of groceries. “We went shopping and brought you things!” Yana announced, setting her bags on the coffee table.

“Oh, good,” Zhanna sighed, pleased. She opened up one of the bags and peeked in. “I know this one!” she exclaimed in delight, pulling out a small tub of cotton candy. “Jane bought some for me when we first came to America!”

Yana laughed. “Yes! We saw some, there was a sale…we thought you would like it,”

Bronislava slipped back into one of her bags and pulled out a package as Zhanna tried to open the cotton candy jar. "We brought you something to do, too."

Zhanna popped the lid off the cotton candy tub, pulled out a handful and started chewing it. When she saw the box Bronislava was offering her, she accepted it. “What is it?”

“A puzzle!” Bronislava replied, pointing to the cover on the box. “See? It has an eagle with an American flag!”

Zhanna grinned at the sight, sitting back down on the sofa and putting the puzzle box on the table. “Oh, so pretty! I will do this – thank you!”

“Of course,” Bronislava took a seat next to her younger sister, hugging her. “We knew you would want things to eat and things to do…you are doing good by staying in and keeping safe.”

“Yes,” Yana agreed, sitting down on the other side of Zhanna and embracing her as well. “You are such a good mama already…”

Zhanna smiled warmly, putting both arms around her sisters and holding them close. “Oh, thank you, sisters…I am so thankful for you two…”

Bronislava ruffled her hair affectionately. “And we are thankful for you. We would do anything for you…”

There was a slight pause, before Zhanna turned to look at Bronislava. “Anything?”

Bronislava looked up curiously. “Yes…is there something you need?”

Zhanna took a deep breath. “Yes. There is something…”

Engineer was just about to test the hydro-pump once more when the backdoor to the training space opened. Medic, who was loading his weapons, glanced up to see who it was.

“Misha, it’s your sisters,” he alerted Heavy, nudging him with his arm.

Heavy squinted, seeing that his sisters were indeed outside, and they appeared to be discussing something with Helen. He stood up and approached, curious.

“What is going on?” Heavy wanted to know, coming to rest his hand on Yana’s shoulder.

Helen turned to Heavy and replied, “Your sisters would like to know if…well…I’ll let them tell you,”

Bronislava took a breath. “Misha? Me and Yana want to join the team, in Zhanna’s place.”

Heavy paused, unsure if he had heard her correctly. “…what?”

“We would be good at it,” Yana assured him.

“But it is not safe!” Heavy argued. “What if something happen to you? What then?”

“Misha, we are not children,” Bronislava pointed out, sounding slightly annoyed. “You know this…”

Heavy got quiet again, and he sighed. “I…I know. But now that you are all here, I do not know what I would do if you got hurt…”

Yana pulled him into a hug. “We will be fine – Zhanna is fine when she is fighting with you, and there is one of her. There is two of us.”

“This is true…” Heavy embraced her in return, sighing. After a moment, he looked towards Helen. “Would they be allowed?”

Helen thought about it. "Well...they're classified as civilians, but...I will allow them to go on this mission with you," she cleared her throat. “If everything goes well, they may be able to fill in for Zhanna."

Bronislava grinned, and she wrapped Helen up in a big hug. “Thank you, ma’am!” she suddenly realized what she’d done, and quickly released the older woman, stepping back. “Oh…I am sorry,”

Helen blinked in surprise at the hug, but she shrugged it off. “It’s…fine. Just get ready with everyone else,” she gestured towards the other mercs.

Eager, the two sisters headed to join the others, but Heavy couldn’t quell the nagging worry he had. Although, as Bronislava said, they were not children anymore. His sisters were all grown…and, in a way, he felt a sense of contentment at that.

Smiling, he walked over and joined Medic back at the supplied, where he leaned over and kissed his cheek.

Surprised, Medic glanced up, though he grinned at him. “What was that for?”

“I wanted to,” Heavy replied, reaching over to lovingly pat Medic’s shoulder.

While the adults were busy outside, Olivia and Lucy were once again left to their own devices. Lucy, on the other hand, had brought over a craft book, which contained a plethora of homemade craft ideas suitable for children their age. The two girls sat at the kitchen table, cutting out rabbit-shaped paper cut-outs for a garden diorama.

Lucy hummed to herself as she looked at the images in the book, but she screwed up her mouth in frustration. “Hmm…”

Olivia looked up, a few crayons still in her hands. “What?”

Lucy took the small crayon box Olivia had given her and glanced through it. "The noses of the rabbits are supposed to be pink. Do we have a pink crayon?”

“We have red,” Olivia pointed out, pulling out the red crayon. However, because to all the times she drew drawings of herself with the mercenaries, it had become quite worn-down. “Can this work?”

“I don’t know…” Lucy rubbed her chin in thought. She looked around the kitchen. “Maybe there’s something pink in here?”

“Oh!” Olivia realized. “When Engie does baking, he uses food coloring! I think he has pink food coloring,” she got up and went to the cabinet with the baking supplies, rooting through it. However, she couldn’t find the food coloring box, and she grunted in frustration.

“We don’t need it,” Lucy assured her, picking up the red crayon. “Maybe this is fine,”

“No…there should be something!” It was there when Olivia opened the fridge and peered inside: a container of freshly cut beets with a sizable amount of reddish pink beet juice accumulating at the bottom. Pleased, she took the container out of the fridge and shut the door. “I found this!”

Lucy looked up, eyeing the beets. “What are those?”

“Beets! Misha buys them sometimes,” Olivia set the container down and popped the top off it. “They have pink juice, that could be good to use!”

Lucy watched as Olivia reached into the container and dabbed some of the beet juice onto her finger. “Do you have a brush? A paintbrush?”

“Paintbrush…” Olivia squinted in thought. “Not with me. My paint set is at mommy’s house…oh! But I know where there’s paintbrushes!” she hopped off the stool and motioned for Lucy to follow.

The children made their way to the lab, which was empty at the moment. Olivia entered and approached Lar-Nah's desk, looking around until she noticed the paintbrushes in the sink next to it. “Here we go!” she picked up two small ones, passing one to Lucy. “We’ll put them right back when we’re done, okay? I’m not supposed to be near Lar-Nah’s desk, I don’t wanna get in trouble.”

“Why not?” Lucy inquired as she approached the nightshade plant hidden beneath its glass cover.

Olivia reached out, placing her hand on Lucy’s chest and holding her back. “Because of that! It’s poison,” she pointed to the plant. “It’s not safe.”

“Oh!” Lucy gasped, stepping back in fear. “I didn’t know…”

Olivia stepped away from the sink, starting to leave the room, but it was then she realized something. She noticed the empty birdcage near Medic’s desk, and she stared at it in confusion.

Lucy tilted her head, watching Olivia’s expression. “What?”

“The doves aren’t here,” Olivia explained. “They’re right here all the time! Where are they?” she looked around, checking around Engineer and Demo’s desks just to be sure.

“Maybe they’re outside,” Lucy suggested, trying to be helpful.

“I dunno…maybe…” Olivia took another look around the room, thinking it over. The doves were usually with Medic, and Medic was currently outside. That made sense.

“Okay. Let’s go,” Olivia took Lucy’s hand, leading her to the kitchen again.

When they returned to the kitchen, they were greeted by an unusual sight: Medic's doves had discovered the craft supplies and beets and were attempting to drink the beet juice while ripping apart bits of construction paper.

In horror, Olivia dropped the paintbrush and scurried towards the doves while violently flailing her hands. “No! Stop it!”

The doves flew away, but Archimedes accidentally knocked over the bowl of beets and beet juice as he flew away. The beets fell to the floor with a clatter, and the juice splattered all over both Olivia and Lucy.

Both girls stood there silently for a long moment as the doves fluttered into the neighboring dining hall. Finally, Lucy spoke, her voice quivering: “We are in so much trouble…”

“No, we aren’t!” Olivia looked around, grabbing paper towels and beginning to mop up the juice on the floor. “We’ll clean it up, no one will know!”

Lucy put aside her fear and agreed, beginning to assist Olivia in cleaning the mess. “Okay…”

However, the girls were unaware that someone had been present at the base during the disturbance.

“What happened!?” Tilly exclaimed, leaning on her cane as she entered the kitchen. “What’s all the bloody noise, huh!?”

Both Olivia and Lucy tensed up, but Olivia remembered Tilly was blind and couldn't see the beet juice on their clothes. “Uh – its nothing!” she lied. “We just…dropped paint brushes!”

“Paint brushes?” Tilly repeated. She knelt down slowly and felt the floor, finding the brush that Olivia had dropped. “This one?”

“Yeah, that one,” Olivia stepped forward, cleaning her hands on a rag as she accepted the brush. Tilly placed it into the girl’s palm, but it was then that she froze and sniffed the air.

Olivia watched Tilly, feeling a bit nervous. “…What?”

“I smell beets,” Tilly informed her, and she wrinkled her nose. “Why do you smell like beets?”

“Uh…” Olivia tried to think of how to answer, but she didn’t have much time to think.

“Hey, girlies!” came another voice, one that Olivia immediately recognized as Angelica’s. “I thought I'd cook a snack for you two because Jeremy said you were staying in while everyone worked—" When Angelica saw the juice on the kids' clothing, she shouted in fright and froze in the doorway. “Is that blood!? Oh, my god!”

“Blood!?” Tilly exclaimed. She tugged Olivia closer to her and smelled her again, before doing the same to Lucy. “There’s no blood, it’s beet juice!”

However, Angelica was already running for the backdoor. “Oh, my god, oh, my god, I have to get the doctor!’

“No!” Olivia shouted, breaking into a sprint and pursuing Angelica. It was too late, though, as the backdoor opened and revealed Helen about to enter.

“What happened—” Helen started to ask, but Angelica grabbed her by the shoulders in a swift motion.

“Your daughter has blood on her! And there’s blood on her friend!” Angelica gripped Helen’s shoulders desperately.

“What!?” Helen pried Angelica off of her, going straight to her daughter. “Olivia?! Olivia, what happened?”

“It’s beet juice!” Olivia insisted, her voice cracking.

Lucy trotted up behind Olivia, showing her shirt as well. “The birds came in and knocked the beets! We got hit with the juice!”

“…oh. Oh, it’s juice.” Angelica leaned against the wall, placing a hand on her chest. “Oh, thank God…”

“I told you that, lass!” Tilly called from the kitchen.

“Beets!? What on earth were you doing with beets?” Helen took a handkerchief out of her pocket and carefully wiped Olivia's face and clothes.

“Craft projects…” Olivia answered, feeling ashamed.

After hearing the commotion from outside, Merasmus entered the building. When he noticed the stains on Lucy's clothes, he gasped in terror. “Oh, Hell almighty—what happened to you!? We just bought that dress!”

“I’m sorry,” Lucy gave her father her best puppy-eyes, holding her arms up in a plea to be picked up. Merasmus obliged, pulling out a handkerchief of his own and cleaning what he could from Lucy’s hair.

“These two need better things to do while we work,” Helen observed as she cast a quick glance up at Merasmus.

“I agree…” Merasmus sighed, putting the handkerchief back.

[coffeebeannate]

Nate Watches Things: A Saga

Or in this case, one thing. One thing that was far too long of a thing, but such a bizarre venture that I felt rather compelled to put an actual review of said thing together.

Why? Because I can and because others HAVE to experience this..this journey. A nice lil journey called Die Pfeiler der Macht/ A Dangerous Fortune. And I watched it solely because Luca looks cute in Victorian clothes, and I was intrigued by the gifs.

Curiosity has always been such a great human motivator, eh?

And..guys. I just. I don’t know what the 3-4 hours (it’s two movies, and I took a couple days to watch it) WERE, exactly, but they were..a thing? I know that it’s based on a book by Ken Follett and that this production is German. Despite being based in England. 

Oh, and Luca’s character Mickey Miranda, is uh, Spanish. Make of that what you will.

So the summary is this:

A shocking secret behind a young boys death leads to three generations of treachery in this breathtaking saga of love, power and revenge, set amid the wealth and decadence of Victorian England.

And no it does not do this thing justice whatsoever.

Review under the cut. It’s too long *again, two movies here*, and I took far too many screencaps of this absolute wtfery, and uh, it’s probably better suited for a real-time live blog but nah. You can have this instead.

Some images under the cut are NSFW because nefarious boning is a key point in this..thing.

SPOILERS. So many spoilers. This thing is a spoiler fest. The caps have a very obvious Luca bias, I know why we’re here everyone. Hehe. There’s also some triggering stuff in this thing, so be warned there too.

BEHOLD:

So, a point I want to make is that the costuming in this movie is LEGIT. If absolutely nothing else works? Note that the costuming absolutely does.

The opening credits are very nice, Luca’s very pretty, this cap serves purely to showcase that because I’m a very serious man doing a very serious review.

Pretty.

So the beginning is..confusing. We have a girl, Maisie Robinson. (Around 10-13 here?) Her father is very poor and it’s her and her two siblings. He works for a man who is part of our main characters, the Pilasters?  and they run this bank. The head of the bank commits suicide, since they’re having financial troubles and he cannot repay his workers. He pens a note to his young son *under 12 at this point*, Hugh. 

Hugh never finds out about this letter, but anyway. At the moment, it’s 1866. Maisie’s father was one of those employees. Destitute, he leaves Maisie to..raise her siblings, and goes to America.

We never hear from this man again.

Hugh goes to live with his aunt (Augusta/Augustina?), uncle Joseph, and cousins, Edward and Clara.

THEN IT’S 1877 (we jump ten years)

Maisie’s two siblings have died, and she has a daughter, Rachel now. Who is also dying. This movie is very keen on people dying. I’d also like to point out that there is like, endless plots all happening alongside one another, and it took me until mid-way into part two to even really grasp what the main plot is.

The movie has a LOT of bank talk as well. I cannot express this earnestly enough, there is SO MUCH bank chatter. SO MUCH. This thing does not have to be as long as it is but again, bank stuff.

Anyway, the one plot is that Maisie is from the poor area, she’s had a horrible life and has struggled from day one. She’s in a constant battle with Hugh, and they argue a lot. A lot. (They like each other, they met as kids, but they’re from very different worlds. Hugh has money, she doesn’t, but Hugh has suffered as well and basically it’s your normal class struggle social commentary thing).

Maisie and Hugh in 1866, as kids, after Maisie’s father left for America. This is the funeral for Hugh’s father. So that’s the theme I mean.

Anywho.

Back in 1877, this is Samuel *left*, Joseph *middle* and Edward. The Pilaster’s get marched into work like they’re freaking army Captain’s and not just rich ass bankers. Imagine saluting your CEO. At work. Outside of the military. WHERE IS THIS A THING? Maybe this was a thing in Victorian England I have no clue I’ve certainly never come across it in my studies. Ffs.

Anyway.

So while all this is going on, there’s this man that wants to marry Maisie. 

And his name is,

(That’s Rachel, Maisie’s daughter). Anyway, Solly here loves Maisie and wants to marry her. But Maisie loves Hugh, and neither of them realize this yet. Solly is a himbo and we mostly like him, but stay tuned because that doesn’t stick. Sorta. Depends on how-

Nevermind I’ll just keep going.

ANYWAY, more plot.

Here’s Edward again, doing drugs, being gay, and overall..useless. Edward is..Edward is kind of like a person who would make an interesting wall decoration. Fun enough to look at, but utterly freaking hopeless, and useless, and so dumb. Just so dumb. This character is given the substance of ash fault. Kinda like, only vaguely solid enough to be entertaining. Kinda.

I don’t know guys, BUT LOOK!

It’s his good old pal Mickey! And he’s slapped Edward awake out of his drug coma (okay he grabs his face and shakes him rather than slapping but given how much slapping happens in the rest of this movie I think I can be forgiven) and he has PLOTS.

Mostly it’s his dads plot, but it’s a plot. A very devious scheme and he needs our favourite wallpapers assistance!

(Sorry Edward, but it’s true)

So keeping in mind that the ‘theme’ of this movie is bone-and-soul crushing sadness paired with periods of intense chaos and insanity that  you never see coming, our plots continue to thicken.

What Mickey means here, is that Edward’s family denied Mickey’s father what he wanted *weapons deal*, and beat the crap out of Mickey in a carriage. But that’s fine that’s fine Mickey is not deterred! BECAUSE.

*sigh*

So.

OK.

This scene.

Remember what I said about how this movie goes from being incredibly boring to so off the walls bonkers without actually WARNING YOU that it is going to do this? Yeah.

Edward, you see, really does not ‘do’ women. He’s gay. He’s extremely gay. Edward’s mother wants him to marry Florence Stalworthy for idk rich people reasons.

So..Mickey. Uh. Mickey’s solution is..this.

What is this, you ask??

Fuck if I know.

Anyway, no, uhm. This is a brothel. So (not) pictured here (I can’t post the scene on tumblr guys we have a ban) is Edward on a couch across from mask-and-feathers MIckey and this tied down woman, with another woman who is not tied down. And this is Mickey..showing Edward..how to.have sex with women. Apparently. Sort of. His lesson falls very flat. It is not a good scene, Mickey’s ‘instructions’ get increasingly louder, and he at one point makes this noise that sounds like a Joker laugh.

It is...it’s something.

(Also note there’s some extremely uncomfortable, misogynistic name-calling on Mickey’s part here..so yeah).

Oh, and it doesn’t convince Edward. At all. IMAGINE.

Around all this time, the Hugh/Maisie/Solly plot is also ongoing. And that also encompasses bar fighting (bare knuckles boxing and wrestling I think? And gambling)

Hugh has gambling debt we’ll get back to this. (He’s also obsessed with getting Russian bonds into the bank, again, the banking plot losses me a LOT)

So meanwhile, Mickey meets up with Edward’s mother.

But why Edward’s mother, you ask??

Well. *sigh*. Something I didn’t mention earlier is that Mickey likes Ed’s mum. A lot. A lot a lot. Mickey wants to take that woman to town and then some, is a very basic way of me putting it and-

Fuck it. Mickey wants to bang Ed’s mum. BADLY.

(She’s not opposed either, at all)

So their little scheme here is that Ed’s mum wants Ed to take control of the bank, but with the father-in-law alive, that’s not going to happen. So they’re plotting to take down the next person in charge who would succeed said father in law, (Samuel) who is in a relationship with the secretary mentioned above, Michael.

Yes, another GODDAMNED PLOT.

(Samuel is fairly unpleasant like all of these people, so I don’t feel that bad for him. He also kinda treats Michael like garbage, and is called out for this by Joseph later in the movie)

So the scheme here is to get rid of the father-in-law, and get Ed married. Cake walk!

(Also, while ALL THIS is going on, Mickey’s got his own mini-plot about doing these things for his father, the weapons and stuff but we don’t actually find out about the main goal of that whole thing till the end, you’ll see)

Oh, and since we’ve not had a good dose of ‘WHAT THE FUCK’ lately, Solly proposes to Maisie with an honest-to-god Alice in Wonderland party.

Yeah.

Meet the Mad Hatter! He’s a guide, he says nothing. Other people are in costume too, but you know-I have enough caps as it is.

So anyway, Maisie and Solly get engaged, Maisie and Hugh meet up at some point and bang instead. 

And while that’s happening, Edward is convinced by Mickey to marry Florence.

So he does.

Lookit this shit faced smug ass grin.

(Also ahead is Samuel again, and Hugh)

BUT THEN the bank finds out about Hugh’s gambling debts. So he leaves. Taking his cousin Clara (Edward’s teenage sister-at her insistence) to the USA. And just like Maisie’s dad, another man abandons her for the States.

So the father in law is still alive, so! 

It’s murder time.

Perfect wedding time event yeah?

So Mickey murders the father-in-law. (He jumps on him, suffocates him with a pillow, gets caught by Augusta and then they do this..weird ‘tensely make the bed thing’)

Murdered.

And then, exactly five seconds or so later..

Nothing like some murder pre-boning with the dead guy two feet away amiright?

Anyway at this point I was just:

And yelling at my ceiling. Not pictured.

I was a Hannibal fan and I STILL went !?!?!?

END PART ONE.

Part two starts out in 1912, and then cuts back to 1882. So in this messy timeline, note it has been six years since part one. And Hugh is married now to Nora, an American singer, and Clara is older and pregnant. (Father is never determined, but he’s a married man and that’s why Clara didn’t stay)

SO the three of them are returning home. Maisie and Solly have a son, David, and Maisie is depressed and distant, so Solly is the one who spends all the time with David. He’s shown as a legit good dad and it’s quite cute watching them.

(The kids Hugh��s, btw, he and Maisie both know this, Hugh does not, it’s revealed dramatically later but we still have so many plots)

Edward and Florence are childless. Edward doesn’t sleep with her. Everyone knows this.

(At this point I kept asking myself when this would end, I cannot stress how LONG this thing feels at times)

So Hugh and Nora meet up with Maisie and Solly, and they chat and there’s more love plots, more bank plots and a masquerade party where at some point Maisie thinks a little girl at the party is Rachel (who died in the end of part one, sorry!) and there’s a fire and Maisie and Hugh make out and Nora and Solly are both upset and it’s a whole thing.

Samuel now does something of a side business that’s unspecified with Michael, and pregnant Clara is being persued by the only man who might be a good match for her (she’s not keen on getting married. But he’s also..really old.) PLOTS.

And Mickey and Augusta are..still a thing. And Edward being chlidless is becoming an issue. So what is the solution dear friends??

*BANGS HEAD INTO A WALL*

Why the fuck not.

Absolutely flawless! Eddie will NEVER notice.

SO with this plan in motion, Mickey sets out to seduce Florence, Eddie’s neglected wife. He starts in a church, and I have to admit, this one line he gives is quite funny.

“I don’t go to church.”

Cannot begin to imagine why.

Also, around this time is when we get the infamous scene about how he fcked the wives of the three men and then made the guys suck his dick one by one. I didn’t cap that since it’s in gif form, but yeah.

Hugh and Solly and Nora and Maisie are still having their love issues. And there is still bank stuff as all this is going down.

But while on his Florence quest, we see Mickey beat up a guy who was abusing a small boy, and Florence see’s him do this as well and:

He looks so baffled. 

‘Me? GOOD? I really don’t think so.”

She’s also holding a baby, and he gives the infant this face:

“Eugh, what is that?”

He also finds her in church again at some point and comes alongside her like this:

”Sup? Whatcha prayin’ about?”

Anyway, while doing all this, he’s still having some issues. He needs Eddie’s signature for a bank transfer (for his father, his father’s plot is STILL a THING) and so it is time to seduce someone ELSE. This time it’s Edward. This won’t be hard. Edward wants him so bad you could probably see it from fucking space.

Mickey is well aware of this.(I don’t think it’s one sided either, he looks at Edward all wide eyed half the time, but he’s so manipulative it’s hard to judge).

Actually me right now tbh.

So that’s this followed by the infamous gif set.

Edward takes him up on it.

‘Come along my dear there’s nefarious boning to be done’.

Absolutely vital screencap below (which is the most we get anyway and I didn’t cap the line about the freaking signature because fuck plots over nice images okay)

Vital

Anyway Edward gives him the bloody signature. And then Mickey goes along to talk to Augusta. But at this point Mickey is very much beginning to unravel. His goal seems to be more centralized to finishing whatever long ass convoluted job his father has been making him do for the last six years (possibly more tbh) and he’s sort of done with everything.

And Edward see’s this exchange. Le. Oof.

SO! IN BETWEEN ALL THIS. There’s some party where there’s drama and then basically Nora..willing gives up Hugh so he can be with Maisie and Solly just..I don’t even know, single dad for life and all. Edward knows that his family has basically been doing shit all around him, and Mickey STILL seduces Florence. He has her meet him outside that night at two am and they get together, but when he’s with her he kinda has these doubts but she wants him anyway so they bang.

Yeesh.

AFTER that there’s Edward again, because Edward knows shit is up, Mickey goes to a room to grab a bag and see’s Edward there. He tells Edward goodbye, but Edward pulls a gun. Mickey just...drops the bag, tells him to shoot. Edward doesn’t, instead he turns the gun on himself and then Mickey shoots himself in a chair.

Yeah.

DEATH! SADNESS! REMEMBER-THIS MOVIE LOVES DEAD PEOPLE~!

At some point in all this, Augusta goes to her daughter, Clara, apologies for being an absolutely evil mother for her entire life and then the movie sort of begins to wrap up.

Maisie and David were going to leave for the States together, but David wants to stay with Solly, who well DID raise him despite him being Hugh’s kid. So Maisie and Hugh are alone and David lives with Solly and the Pilaster bank has discovered the ACTUAL FREAKING PLOT OF MICKEY’S DAD AND THE ENTIRE BACKGROUND THING. Which was this:

THIS DIDN’T NEED TO BE ALMOST FOUR HOURS, GERMANY.

SO Hugh lets the mob inside. We don’t see what happens after that, but Augusta comes in to tell Joseph Edward shot himself.

Lots of sadness.

So the movie ends in 1912, with David and Hugh meeting up. David never saw Maisie again *she’s deceased now, as is Solly.* they talk, there is some moral lesson or something about love. The goddamned end.

OOF.

SO overall?

I don’t know.

It’s a movie. It has a script and plot and..it was put on screen? The costumes are legitimately amazing. They might be the best thing about this thing. But it REALLY feels like Ken really wanted to make a movie about banking, noticed that’d be boring and tried to make it spicy.

It’s so bizarre. So depressing. So many people are horrible. So many bad things happen. So much slapping, so much weirdness. There’s nothing happy in this thing. Not one. The so called ‘good’-ish ending falls flat amongst a sea of depression and I re-iterate, IT DOES NOT HAVE TO BE SO LONG.

I distinctly recall lots of clock watching at times, wondering how I could POSSIBLY have more to go. It then goes so completely off the rails that you just don’t know what is happening and it’s just WEIRD.

At times that weirdness makes it fun, but overall it’s really not great. I probably would never rewatch it, and I can say that it’s an uh, experience in movie-watching.

A good one? I don’t know. But an experience, none the less.

[listenupcupcakes]

your assigned Ghost song is Rats

get song assigned, loser

~Valentine, professional shitghoster

I DON'T KNOW THIS SONG BUT I AM GOING TO BE OFFENDED.