#soggy and pathetic men

[inc0mple]

The Peris Ravenell Post: why you should read Keys Are People Too for this soggy excuse of a man

This is a lengthy post, which is why I added the… thingy, whatever it’s called… but I promise promise it’s entertaining and it also took me like two days to put together when I’m supposed to be writing Chapter 120. That chapter’s sad, okay, I need to get out the feels by bullying Ravenell some, aight.

I recommend at least scrolling through. Especially if you know nothing about Keys Are People, Too. And also if you do.

Okay, first things first:

THIS IS WHAT PERIS RAVENELL FROM KEYS ARE PEOPLE TOO LOOKS LIKE, OKAY

I have tried to draw him on a multitude of occasions and it's given people misconceptions. He does NOT look like Abraham Lincoln, he does NOT look like a twink, he is NOT a himbo. He's just a stupid perpetually bewildered man. AND THIS IS THE ALWAYS AND FOREVER REFERENCE FOR HIS APPEARANCE

Ok thanks. NOW:

If y'all are on the fence about reading Keys Are People Too PLEASE, READ IT FOR THIS MAN

I HAVE A LIST OF REASONS FOR WHY HE IS THE BEST WORST

Reason 1: He Has Iconic Moments

This man is the most stupid, inconvenient man to ever exist. He is perpetually confused and perpetually confusing. The worst part is he wasn’t even supposed to be, he was supposed to be a background character without hardly any substance. Well he’s still gossamer, in ways, but he has also muscled his way into the plot for no reason other than to DRIVE CHASE CRAZY and provide a character foil to… *checks notes* is this supposed to say “the monkey”???

Someone (me) is unable to track these down at the moment so check the comments for iconic moments (comment your favorite Ravenell moments do my dirty work pleeeease)

Reason 2: We Love To Roast Him

So if you’re in the fan server or the AO3 comments you might not understand this completely, so let me indoctrinate you into the objective best view of Peris Ravenell: in that he is a pathetic, wimpy, soggy man and we love him for it. He doesn’t know how to dance. He doesn’t know how to cook. If his wife actually liked them they would be the epitome of girlboss/boyfailure. He’s like if margarine was a man. “I Can’t Believe It’s Not Better.” Except one look at him and it’s very easy to believe.

These are so easy to rattle off. I could go for hours.

And screw you, maybe I will.

So... yeah. It's the funniest thing ever. That is in fact, fact.

Reason 3: We Ship Him With Tree Guy From "Love Between the Christmas Trees"

If you have not read “Love Between the Christmas Trees” by proseburia on AO3, you are missing out. Not only is it a very well written and funny story, it includes Ravenell’s one, always and forever love, Tree Guy.

His name is Nick. We don’t call him Nick.

Prose’s story revolves around Chase and Deacon going into a Hallmark movie style book, in which they meet Chase’s character’s love interest, Tree Guy—a lumberjack who loves all things to do with Christmas and his hometown. Like Ravenell, Tree Guy is so straight he can hardly turn corners.

Naturally this means we head-canon them as secretly in love forever and ever, the bromance of the century, a duo so dynamic NASA wants to study it.

I even started making fanart of them, but… I stopped. Because I got lazy.

*REMEMBER, RAVENELL DOES NOT LOOK LIKE THIS! HE LOOKS LIKE THE FIRST IMAGE IN THIS POST! DO NOT TRUST ANY OF MY OTHER ART LMFAO

The name for this incredible, very valid ship is Sap Duo. They are called this because tree sap, and also Ravenell as a person is sappy. It’s perfect. They’re perfect. I know.

Also, here’s a link to Prose’s story, if you wanna go read it :3

Reason 4️⃣: He Has Fanart (that Mari made)

Lul. Look at this guy.

Reason 5: The Monkey

Ravenell’s number one nemesis in Keys Are People, Too is a monkey by the name of Jaabu that belongs to Buddy’s character, Lady Spicula. Jaabu hates the duke for no discernible reason and will go to any length to wound the duke’s pride (and sometimes just wound him in general), out of apparent personal enjoyment. She also often seems to embody the audience in their frequent desire to throttle Ravenell, so I’ve been told. (I think it’s loving?)

I illustrated a very good, very effortful depiction of the two’s usual relationship. Please view below. I’m not responding to hate mail for emotional damage over the sheer beauty of this artistic rendition. Please forward it to Jai, they wrote In Sepia after all.

Reason 6: He Is On The UQuiz For Princes (that Mari also made)

A quiz for canon Cinderella Boy Princes… and also one non-canon duke-failure!

Pretty on the nose.

She has also made fanfiction for that man, which is what the illustration is from. I… don’t know if she’s okay.

Reason 7: Flavenell

That’s it that’s the section. @lilliferwashere this one’s for u

Reason 8: He Has Good (?) Reviews

⭐️⭐️⭐️ "3/5 man. Good at fighting, probably, but bad with women most of the time. Very troubled man, so I can't give him too low of a score. That feels too mean. Monkeys are really drawn to him for some reason though and that just seems like a health hazard. To him, mostly" - @leejeann (author of So Shaped By the Chances, Viva La Short King, Notable Anti-Fluddy-er)

⭐️⭐️⭐️"Arrived soggy. Extra star for freeing the slaves — oh wait no that’s Lincoln. Well a four score or better is outta reach for Dukey. Mediocre at best." - @theautumndream (author of A Glitch Apart, Wanted For Several Photoshop Crimes, Lowkey Likenapple)

⭐️⭐️⭐️ "3/5 stars: I broke my leg and he started crying. He was so focused on how much it hurt him emotionally I forgot I was hurt and carried him back to the castle" - @mysteriousmonty (Also Finny (Allegedly), Bookbinding Enthusiast, Art Challenge Perpetuator

⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️ "5/5 stars: I love him dearly. He's an absolute mess. I hope to get him a job where his actions affect absolutely nothing and no one where he also feels fulfilled." - @jaistashu (author of [Redacted for emotional damage] and some other ones, Certified To Know Your Stuff Better Than You Do, An Honest-to-God Baja Blast To Be Around)

⭐️⭐️⭐️ "In my opinion, he’s just A Guy™. His personality is very wet feeling, but it’s not bad. He tries his best, but he’s also a little… dumb, sometimes. He’s not the most intelligent, as in he has little common sense, but he is trying his best, which I appreciate. Peris Ravenell is a fantastically written character, and I appreciate him and his endless trying his best. He was quick to change his wording to include woman. I very much appreciate that. His upbringing wasn’t the greatest, and I understand that. He’s trying to navigate life without a proper parental relationship. He’s thrown into the world of royalty and dukedom very quickly, and he’s trying his best to navigate it. He’s a mess, albeit a wet mess, but he’s trying, and I appreciate that. Minus two stars for being an uncle’s boy." - @spookieee28 (author of Bed Bath and Hbeyond, Four Theorist, Donut)*

⭐️ "Overscoring him will only make you disappointed. You need to know that his appeal is not in how great he is. He's just a guy in the wrong genre. He's not a hero, he's just a mess. If someone got isekai'd into a murder mystery they had no brains or courage to solve. He just wants to be at the end of the book. He wants everything to be lovely without any effort. And he deserves it. He was born to be everyone's favorite useless uncle. The butt of family jokes but he loves the affection. Like watering the ugliest plant you've ever seen. 1 of 5 Stars. Would you recommend him? Yes." - @xiaomao-ai-wo (author of Unallied Queens, Sticky Note Enthusiast, Either Stalter Or Waldrorf We Aren't Sure)**

⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️ "Duke Peris “Dukey” Ravenell review:

Duke score: 2/5

He kinda sucks at it. Mostly stands around waiting for Galeus to tell him what to do I think?

Guy score: 5/5

Put this man in a JAR so that I may study him. Simultaneously a carefree goofball and the soppiest, saddest man to have ever existed. Just trying to have a nice time due to being born in Nice Time Land but The Horrors won’t let him. A little misogynistic with it but he pays for his crimes with monkey torture.

Overall score: 4/5" - @proseburia (author of Love Between the Christmas Trees, Lab Rat in Training, Sap Duo Shipper)

⭐️ “Peris Ravenell is as suspicious as a [REDACTED] and just as [REDACTED]. Overly clingy and also overly needy of compliments and acknowledgement. A follower, not a leader. No ability to read a room. At all. Whatsoever. Makes little attempt to think for himself and no attempt to [REDACTED]. Leaves that for [REDACTED] and then wonders why [REDACTED]. Likes [REDACTED], has a temper at times, has a weird thing about [REDACTED]. Enjoys [REDACTED] just to [REDACTED] (they'd already [REDACTED]). Extremely loathed by middle aged etiquette teachers and monkeys. Little man who wants to be a big man when he grows up. 1 star out of 5.” - Shadows_Mirror (author of like half the CB fanfiction on AO3, Registered Dukey Hater, Was Not Told She Could Not Include Spoilers)

⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️ “I want to put this sopping wet beanie baby of a man under a microscope and study him. I hate him and I love him and I hate that I can’t decide which one it is. 5/5” - @lilliferwashere (author of Sunshine and Saccharin, Fluddy’s True Love, Pigeon Handmaid)

*"Canonically married to Deacon" she says. Uh huh.

**It should be noted that both Mari's name and profile picture on Discord are about Duke Ravenell.

In Conclusion

plsplsplsplsplsplsplssss

XOXO, Inco

[soapallo]

when ur mans is a little pathetic

[venusandsaturnsrings]

˚✧₊⁎ foxtaru is only ever a service sub or a real mean rough dom :(( it depends on how close his rut is!!

when it’s far off, he’ll whine and fuck into you desperately. with his tail wagging softly and his drool dripping onto you it’s hard to say no when he asks so sweet ‘pretty please,’ can he fuck you. he’ll do anything for it, he swears!! it’s easy to bring him to tears if you make him wait, make him beg and pretend to think a bit too long about your answer. he’ll be humping your leg and apologizing for being so bad but he can’t help it!! he needs to slip his cock and knot into you :(( he’ll die, an exaggeration, if he doesn’t!! push him far enough and just gracing his cock with your shoe will have him spilling all messy on the ground…

but, during his ruts… he’s very different. foxtaru only knows how to take and breed when his hormones surge. expect to be knocked to the ground and stripped before you even notice he’s near!! he’s gotta put his knot into you even if it hurts and even if you cry. through snarls and groans he’ll promise you’ll be a very pretty mate and that he’s gonna protect you and your shared kits forever and ever; a very possessive boy. he has zero control when his ruts hit so try and learn the signs that show before it starts if you’re not interested in being bedridden for weeks!!

[franken-loser]

There was some sort of seismic shift in my brain chemicals yesterday where i went from enjoying hydes character and design to being incredibly attracted to him this is awful

(screenshot from my insta story, its very important to note that careless whisper was also playing in the background)

[aviyx]

Hi! you said silly... So, maybe Anakin forgot his raincoat during a mission to a rainy planet (like Kamino I suppose). So, Ashoka left her raincoat in the ship (she isn't in the mission. She's back home in the Jedi Temple). And Anakin take her without think to much.

The problem is that the raincoat has holes for Ashoka's montrals. So, Anakin end up looking ridiculous and being wet as a drowned toka.

i forgot to draw him soggy so i did it after. also this request gave me so much trouble but it was so fun

[yvehattan]

Franz Kafka propaganda as the days grow cold and unforgiving.

[sammypog]

chat is there a moby-dick fandom i need ishmael fanart

[latimeria-fell-from-heaven]

AUGASDICKHSHC I WANTED A DUPLICATE OF DOC ｡⁠:ﾟ⁠(⁠;⁠´Д`⁠;⁠)ﾟ⁠:⁠｡

[lifenconcepts]

FUCK IT I NEED TO DESTROY ONE OF MY OCS, FOR THAT PURPOSE IM MAKING A DAMN PUNCHING BAG OF A CREATION. HERE

HERES THAT FUCKER. I NAME HIM SOMETHING PATHETIC. LIKE JERALD. NO ONE LOVES GERALD. HE SLEEPS ON A MOULDING MATTRASS COVERED IN FLEAS AND HE SOBS HIMSELF TO SLEEP EVERY NIGHT. STRANGERS YELL AT HIM AND HE IS BLINDLY CONFIDENT WHEN HE SHOULD BR PARANOID! PEOPLE ALWAYS GET THE BETTER OF HIM. HE IS GULLIBLE AND EASILY MANIPULATABLE. HE WOILD OPEN A CAN OF SUSPICOOUS BEAN AND GET HIT WITH A LOADED SPRING IN THE FACE. HE IS MADE OF PURE BLOOD. HIS BONES DONT EXIST AND I HAVE STUCK HIM TOGETHER WITH ELMERS GLUE. TREAT HIM WITH NO RESPECT AS HE IS WORTHLESS PATHETIC AND AN ACTUAL MAGGOT. HE DOESNT EVEN HAVE KNOWWLEDGE. HE GOES WNTIRELY BY AUTOMATED RESPONSES AND IS AS CARTOONY AS FUCKING LOONEY TOONS. I HAVE SQUISHED HIM MANY TIMES AND HE LIVES.

HERES ME STEPPING ON HIS WITH A BOOT.

HE REGRETS BEING BROUGHT INTO EXISTANCE.

HERES ME SHOVING A PIPE CLEANER UP HOS NOSE

AGH

HES PATHETIC

SEND ME REQUESTS OF WAYS TO BULLY HIM, HE DESERVES IT.

HERES HIM BITING A FAKE CAKE. GOSH. HOW CPULD HE NOT TELL IT WAS FAKE?

HES SUCH A LOSER THAT THE NARRATIVE DOESNT WVEN DRAW HIM COHERENTLY NOR CARE FOR THE WUALITY OF WHICH HE IS DRAWN IN!

He had an office job BUT WAS KICKED OUT FOR BEING PATHETINC

[kaichi-animations]

Soggy sad pathetic cat enmu

[stink---man]

I hate this stupid stinky wet cat man he's the worst

Ugly stupid purple little bitch I wanna drop a brick on his head and punch him

I wanna kiss him so bad😞

[luxraydyne]

imagine imagiiiine the victim of violence - rather than resorting to violence themselves to protect themselves, because they feel it is the only option to survive, they will tell themselves that it is, as though their existence is a spinning wheel that inevitably had to lead back to this, thereby perpetuating the very cycle of abuse in which they suffered so much - instead trying so hard to avoid perpetuating violence, refusing to so much as look at the wheel for fear of it moving, cowering away from their own wounded form throwing a sheet over it and another one and another putting it over there, trying to soften the blow of every touch, retreating so, so hard into supposed safety in order to escape the violence that they go too far the other way somehow, thereby perpetuating the very cycle of abuse in which they suffered entirely counterintuitive to their own paralysing fear. the tragedy. mr okiura, man that you are.

[torchiiko]

i could be cute in a "failgirl who doesnt have her life together" kinda way

[tom-failure]

The Another Story experience

[impishtubist]

Can Sirius find the clit then?

Listen. Listen. You know the answer to this already, don't you? You've got to know what I'm going to say already. Do you seriously (ha) think I'm gonna get on my blog and say that Sirius Black is bad at something? No, I am not.

[tortoisebore]

ON A SCALE FROM 1 TO 10 HOW SEXY IS REMUS THIS CHAPTER? THE PEOPLE WANT TO KNOW

😈👹😈👹😈👹👹😈👹😈👹😈👹😈👹😈👹😈

i’m only gonna give it an overall 7 BECAUSE……,,,,,

when he is not being hot and angry and sexy and mad

he is the soggiest most pitifully down bad human being that’s ever existed

and like *i* think that’s sexy bc i’m a scorpio & i love when men are soggy and pathetic and so obsessed w me that their chins wobble and they cry snotty tears

when remus *is* being hot and angry he is 15/10 over the top sexy and we all collectively want him to **** our ******* and laugh when we ***** on his ****

but like 50% of this chapter he’s just an old washrag out in the street collecting runoff & getting run over by cars. so that pushed the ranking down a bit