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murdoc · 1 year

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this is a weird post to make, but i dont really have many places to say it and i wanna share my thoughts Somewhere lol

so i found my dad after more than a decade of being out of contact with him (probably since 2010? at latest, very early 2011). or rather, after every few years of searching for a little while and coming up fruitless, he made a new facebook less than three weeks ago and i just happened to get Really lucky timing.

just before him i had also found my (former) step sister + mom, as well as my half sister (all sisters younger than me and previously i couldnt find), and.. its a strange experience to finally see people who used to be so close to you in your life show uo again, visibly older and doing their own thing.

its hard to explain.. its almost like youve woken up from a coma. you have memories and have had dreams of these people for years and years and during that time you never really realized that the image you have of them was one trapped in amber; even when youre cognizant of the passage of time, your mind just can't take into consideration the individualized process of aging, both physically and where the passage of time will take them and their relationships. you realize these people are now essentially strangers to you.

my (former) step mom has remarried again and has her own set of children (again), one of my step uncles ended up passing away, my step sister is no longer how i remembered her in 2007 from one of the few photos i have of her in my possession and is posting hippie white woman stuff on her feed, my half sister doesnt share my last name (paternal) anymore, nor her mother or new husband's, whom she is having a child with. i was able to figure out it was her because of the name and how she looks strikingly like her mom and has photos with my dad in them.

my dad himself has aged significantly since he's last shared a photo of himself anywhere. he used to always wear hats, but in a new photo he's got solid white hair despite being in his early 40s and is balding (HE did this to me..) and finally learned what glasses suit his face better LMAO. honestly, he looks better now than he ever did when i've seen him. which i think was one of the biggest shockers because god he looked so lame. this also gives me hope for myself B)

the thing i noticed the most though is how "normal" him and my half sisters turned out. granted, he was always so much more put together than my mother-- i'm sure thats why they didnt really like each other lmao. but, while im not sad about my life, even if it's definitely different than i assumed for my age, i can't help but wonder where i'd be if i had allowed myself to overcome the fear of my mother and went to go live with my dad like we had planned in 2008 or 2009.

however, just from how hard it has been to piece together the state of that side of my family, i don't think any speculation could even be remotely accurate. ive also never really been one to dwell on what could be anyway. at the end of the day i cant undo how horrific my childhood was, but i can make steps to grow from it and learn to love who i am and where i am now.. for how cheesy that sounds 😭

i am glad i finally got a bit of closure on this though. i knew my dad was still around somewhere, but not knowing anything beyond "he's alive" for so long left me with a lot of questions, now mostly answered. it's nice to know he seems to be doing good and that he's there for my younger sisters (not sure about my step sister, but i have an additional half sibling that i never met beyond a few times as a toddler and it seems she's fine too). i know that social media doesn't tell all and is usually finely curated to share the best moments, but i'm saying this in comparison to my mother who would never in a million years do what he seems to be doing.. down to having custody of his kids LMAO.

i don't think i'll ever reach out to any of them though. i know my dad still thinks of me once in a blue moon, as he's dedicated a birthday post to me some years ago on a now deleted profile, but if you can imagine.. i think my change in the last 13 years or so is a bit more drastic than just growing up. not to mention they have their own lives going on and it all seems just fine.

i guess if he ever does try to find me, he'll find out that my former step uncle (different one who is still alive) who teased him about only having girls was wrong LMAO. but i dont think he could ever find me unless he got in contact with my older sister who isn't doing too hot rn, or my mother.... and if it's my mom he goes through, i sure as hell hope he thinks finding his now son was worth it. i sure as hell wouldnt go through talking with my mom if i was him.

i dont think i ever made a post so long and detailed about my life on here??? if someone fsr actually read this... hi :) why did you do that? you are silly

#diary #very long and personal post. you can read it idc but its primarily about finding my father and there is a quick death mention Unrelated

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37q · 2 years

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now for question number 2 - even though clinging to identities can be, and often is a fool's errand, i feel that the concept of a non-self (if worded/explained in a way that divorces it from the concept of interconnectedness of phenomena) can be somewhat harmful and actually reinforce sociopolitical systems that emphasize conformity while crushing individual subjectivity. does buddhism, at its core, condone this?

ok im answering this one first because its loads easier than the other haha

flat out buddhism doesnt condone this at its core :) no need to worry. ultimately theres nothing to conform to, and i think reckoning the dharma with your intuition is part of the path. indeed, tailoring the path to your particular conditions is left to you. if enlightenment can only be found in the most antisocial and austere lifestyle* then so be it, but if enlightenment can be negotiated in this life then all the more power to you.

think of it like recovery: abstinence is useful, but potentially abusive and exploitative when institutionalized; and harm reduction is useful, but potentially dangerous when its not tailored to subjective life conditions.

*... which may or may not 'coincidentally' reify extant power dynamics by inscribing a ruling class's own self-serving ideology into broader cultural truths about liberation and the absolute. but that sounds kinda familiar almost like the political economic conditions of the buddhas early life. hahahaha anyways

to answer your question more comprehensively and succinctly, the main reason i connected with buddhism in the first place is that its liberation is as thorough as liberation can get.

im glad weve been having these talks if these are your concerns, because i think you might be developing a sense for what i call karmic dharma. my own path actually involves heavy work on conformity, repression, and "liberation within liberation" (a la uranus' astrological "sun behind the sun" symbolism; very cool allegory here). youre right, liberation ideology has been used to further mass social control, so as a buddhist it would be your job to set the record straight and call out false liberation when you see it.

study and practice will hone your eye for exploitation in the dharma. manjushri can tell you himself: communing with the dharma, sangha, and buddha without discernment is dangerous. if someones trying to constrict you rather than release you and youre not living in a monastery then its safe to say youre probably not in a good spot and divestment from that subjugation is the right way.

walking the path doesnt mean destroying your self, it means dissolving it with everything else. regardless of whether the dharma changes you or not, the path is where you realize that the distance and difference which distinguish our individuality are as impermanent and empty as the things we cling to. like yeeeaaah conventionally you can argue the truth of anythings independence but you can also argue the emptiness of its conditions easy as that, so my solution as a madhyamika is: why fucking bother.

personally as a dissociative individual ive struggled with sabotaging the progress ive made on my chronic neuroses by employing selflessness without wisdom. in the same vein i struggle with the delusional stability i attach to lesbianism out of a desire for its people to have any semblance of autonomy and self determination. dissociatively i have trouble discerning my individual subjectivity, so my exploration of it is more of a cooperative production than it is a discovery. in the same vein, as a lesbian ive had to renegotiate a lot of what makes me who i am and my capacity to affect change in the process.

so i usually just emphasize bodhicitta. the bodhisattva path means living in the impermanent and the karmic for its pedagogical utility; recognizing that individual renunciation of suffering means nothing when no one else has gotten there. liberation in this life, in each moment, in every mirror and mask. what will me dis-identifying do but isolate me from my peers who could benefit from the teachings? and what use is there in acting like liberation can be found only when totally divorced from our attachments, our karma, and the conditions of our suffering?

the most i let the sangha do to my subjectivity is open it up by removing the blindspots id previously erected, like how i define my subjectivity was already based in these unstable conceptualizations etc etc. for ex. no sane lama would tell me to stop fucking but theyd probably ask me to interrogate the attachments i form around it ykwim?

thats all to say that i feel you and its part of my journey too. i wouldnt say buddhism supports it at its core because 1. its not supported in the dharma 2. buddhist practice is largely de-centralized and 3. interrogating the dharma along the path includes its conventional proliferation.

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patchdotexe · 4 years

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explorers of arvus: heading back / 3.11.21

zoom and enhonse

LAST TIME ON ARVUS taure passed out and we are now down a healer! also we met a disciple of halvkar, and surprisingly did not murder her. this is fine. we have instantly gotten distracted by our various carts. cats. our various cats

DID ANY OF US CATCH TAURE, SHE FELL OVER sieron tried to catch her and smacked charlie+thorne in the face (he rolled a nat1, f) BUT the catboy is to the rescue bc silje is the designated Not Incompetent of the group today

CONSULT THE CHILD hewwo yrel yrel: her mind is being consumed by the serpent of nightmares. :D charlie: HELLO?????//

so, dendar(?) the night serpent is imprisoned beneath arvus! she was formed from the nightmares of the first sentient being, and sometimes she eats people's nightmares. if she's exceptionally hungry, she'll force nightmares onto people for her to feed off their fear. yrel thinks taure will Probably wake up. there's a thing on arvus mentioned by the locals called a "sleeping sickness" where people will fall asleep for a few days, sometimes longer, but will wake up. its magical in cause, the people afflicted by it have horrific nightmares, and its just kinda. a thing. wowza

(i have gone back to spelling yrel's name as yrel bc i think it looks nice)

OH HEY SOMEONE POSTED A THEORY ON ONE OF MY STICKMOLUS ANIMATIONS man i should get back to stickmolus sometime. once dsmp releases its awful grip on me.

i keep getting distracted by seeing myself in the camera preview. i have a tooth gap! what the fuck its cute?? K I KNOW WE'RE SUPER BLURRY IN FRONT RN BUT PLEASE HELP ME STAY FOCUSED I SWEAR -leo

we're gonna build a sled! to put taure on. thorne: i have a good strength score. ....i say, out loud charlie: i am four feet tall. [cue argument between thorne & sieron about them both being horcs but sieron has a +0 bc strength is his dump stat] OH, OKAY, THORNE ROLLED A NAT20 TO CARRY TAURE. NICE

[discussion about what to tell everyone at camp vengenace] thorne: the last thing we need to do is a witch hunt charlie: --and we already hunted the witch! the witch has been hunted.

time to discuss strategy! we need to figure out how to head back to camp vengeance, eg if we want to follow the path we already took or if we wanna do some trailblazing. looks like we're gonna try and take the most direct path! which means we'll prolly risk tangoing with some undead but im willing to risk it TINY HUT STAIRCASE sorry i just remember it now and then

nyx: [meowing at his cats] thorne: uh... why is silje meowing? jorb: silje's food bowl is empty jorb: you look at silje's food bowl and there's a divot in the middle and the food is all on the sides emotionally, we must bully the catboy silje saw something interesting and started meowing

thorne: ill take first watch silje: ill also take first watch. charlie: [quietly] gaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaayyyyyyyyyyyy (but, like, extended for 15 seconds)

silje: [takes watch] [rolls a nat1 and gets distracted by looking at his crush]

THORNE HAS LOCATED A DOG the dog does not give a shit about the tiny hut. THE DOG HAS PEED ON THE TINY HUT goodbye dog

EVERYONE IS ROLLING AT LEAST 1 NAT1 thorne: wow! that sure is a dog. thorne has drawn the worst possible dog. thorne has erased the worst possible dog. we dont speak of the worst possible dog its the dog version of honse. DONSE

sieron is now on watch! MAN we are havin trouble rolling today. at least kali's here to make sure sieron doesnt stare at a rock for 50000 years sieron sees a mouse! bottom text

charlie is now on watch! kali is havin a big ol thonk. nothing meaningful has come of this

i am perceiving some deer. sieron is not perceiving some deer. silje is perceiving some deer, but better the deer are fucked up and undead! silje has gone from "we should hunt these deer for food" to "we should hunt these deer for sport"

charlie: i do not feel like being jumped by five thousand skeletons

charlie takes first watch with sieron! WHY ARE OUR ROLLS SO TERRIBLE taure is super cursed right now. that's not very pog charlie: this place sucks. thorne: to be fair, we havent-- charlie: YOU'RE ASLEEP, SHUT UP

oh hey coolname galvanic finally partied. nice.

thorne is at watch! solar: hey, is leomund's tiny hut an orb? there's a critter digging around! AH, THE CRITTER IS UNDEAD. this could be a problem

solar: hey michael, how much does the horrific sin against god dog i drew look like this creature michael: [dice roll noises] about 50%.

michael: if anyone likes, they can make a nature check-- solar: ME MEMEMEMEME ME ME ME

its a bulette! aka a land shark. problem: they are not normally undead. this one is undead.

jorb: imagine if you could tame one of those and use it as a mount. leo: IT WOULD JUST DIG UNDERGROUND AND LEAVE YOU THERE

we are just calling it a weird dog

we're going to mail a letter to the heart of arvus. HEY, CHECK OUT THIS WEIRD DOG,

JORB FOUND ART OF A BABY BULETTE. WEIRD PUPPY!

solar: hey guys, check out this sick art of a bulette i found

silje kept a lookout for the weird dog but its just fucked off. goodbye, weird dog give it up for day 3!

man there's been like, three incinerations today in blaseball. what's up with that. I SWEAR IM MOSTLY PAYING ATTENTION its just been an eventful day in blaseball. also im wearing my garages bomber rn. jaylen is home wooOOOO the wind smells stinky. this is fine.

we're actively avoiding whatever combat michael keeps nudging at us bc we're carrying around an unconscious person and i SWEAR hes gonna throw something directly at us once he's done with our shenanigans

UHH MICHAEL ASKING FOR PASSIVE PERCEPTION LOL

huh. this place used to be inhabited? we're in the woods rn but there's some like, stone ruins? like, VERY ruins. like, not really any structures standing, but enough evidence to show there Were things. WE FOUND A STATUE charlie: i want to smash my face against the lore.

used to be a circle of standing stones, but most of em fell over or got overgrown. inside of the circle has been cleared, although v roughly-- ground's torn up statue is of fjolnir! warrior holding up a spear and shield. AH, THERE ARE CORPSES, a human got REAL fucked up here. one of the corpses is straight up impaled on fjolnir's spear. n ... not pog.

i am trying so, so hard to pay attention. but i also kinda wanna take a nap.

charlie: [stares at statue] [rolls a 4] i wonder if he had a dick.

okay so something rolled in, tore up the overgrowth inside the circle, and murdered a couple dudes. and was also super tall and human-adjacent. hrm.

oh my god why are we rolling so shit today. time to stealth away and hope we dont get casually dismembered

k: jorb's hair is so long... leo: K, PLEASE,

time for a break! i am very tired but im gonan see if i can push through a little further. nyx is petting his cat why do orangatangs look like that

first watch is thorne and sieron! have they even, like, talked thorne unhabby ): thorne's worried we were tresspassing when checking out the statue, meanwhile im thinking about that one time when sieron got bit by a groundhog

(oh my god this is from late 2018)

leomund's tiny hut, aka the anti-sea bear circle we are getting SO much mileage out of the tiny hut. SILJE HUMS A SONG WITH KALI cute........... FINALLY I HAVE ROLLED ABOVE A 14 wait no i rolled a 16 twice. anyway we are not dead

nearly at camp vengenace! boy howdy i hope camp vengeance didnt get burned down. AH FUCK TAURE IS UNCONSCIOUS SO WE CANT CAST FOR DETECT POISON kaepora nearly made us all shit ourselves but its okay he just saw some bison and thought it was cool Michael Is Consulting Several Tables

WHY DOES JORB'S CAMERA ZOOM LIKE THAT why am i hungry. i have so many questions

HEY, TALL GUY [smacks sieron]

camp vengeance looks better! like, nobody's Obviously Sick anymore, the medical tents arent overfilled, we did it! we saved the dayyyyyy time to report to ryder! taure's getting dropped off at the medical tent

man remember when charlie didnt wear pants

oh man, with taure unconscious charlie is now taking point with social interaction. wild. jk im making jorb do it bc im tired HAHA NAT 20 PERSUASION BC OF ME HELPIN SIERON man ryder is such a cock. he was totally ready to keep throwing troops at heaven's brazier to die until we managed to persuade him out of it. jorb: did we tell ryder about the vision? michael: you kinda just took a look at him and went STINKY BOY!

okay yeah anything that dies on arvus will just pop back up as undead. man, arvus sucks.

ryder: alright, dismissed. charlie: seeya, soldier boy! :D hahahahaha im gonna eat his knees.

SILJE NEEDS ENRICHMENT IN HIS ENCLOSURE

charlie: ive decided he sucks. silje: we've already arrived to that, you're late!

LMAO WE WALKED IN ON INGRID AND HER CRUSH they fuckin. nice. you go, you funky lesbian

jorb: we've got the tiny hut, we could go anywhere leo: we could go to SPACE! nyx: we could not go to space. leo: WITH A TINY HUT STAIRCASE, WE CAN,

we are 320 miles away from the spaceship that exists on arvus. nice.

michael: justin sees you-- roll a strength saving throw. leo: i cant wait to die! [rolls a 3] I AM CRUSHED BY MY DOG michael: he rolled a nat20.

BOSS ENCOUNTER: CHARLIE'S DOG (the small circle next to him is one of the medical tents.)

THORNE IS PACT OF THE GUN solar: PARRY THIS, YOU FUCKING CASUAL

sieron, to ingrid: seems like youve been doing well charlie: i punch sieron. sieron: sieron: the camp, of course.

man we have no idea if the heart of arvus is actually related to the prophecy or not. theres a Lot of stuff lining up, but not enough, and its hard to say how much of it couldve been literal?

solar & michael: [discussing exposition] me: [cracking up bc penn sent me a funny dsmp joke]

prophecies are weird.

charlie is just s she is just sitting here SILJE PLAYED CARDS REALLY GOOD AT ME nyx rolled a nat20 and took all my money

oh cool we can talk to yrel telepathically! time to hoist yrel. THIS IS SO SCUFFED thorne mentioned yrel and now we're trying to explain to ingrid that we have a magic talking snake charlie: I WANT TO GO HOME. thorne: we cant go, we have a GOD-KING to kill! "i think theyre insane, theyre talking to a snake" "ingrid, druids exist" "oh. im gonna go back to getting railed by my 7 foot tall girlfriend"

#leo chirps #ttrpg #explorers of arvus #OKAY WE'RE CAUGHT UP NOW sorry abt that lmao

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littlebitoffanfic · 5 years

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The Bear Or The Deer - part 4

Fandom: Frankenstein Character: Adam/the creation Relationship: Adam/reader Part one: Part One: https://littlebitoffanfic.tumblr.com/post/188773179104/the-bear-or-the-deer

Part two: https://littlebitoffanfic.tumblr.com/post/188934080699/the-bear-or-the-deer-part-2

Part three: https://littlebitoffanfic.tumblr.com/post/189399728489/the-bear-or-the-deer-part-3

Sitting on the floor by the fire, you laughed as the two children in front of you fought for your attention. Glancing to the chairs, you saw Lisa and Laurence chuckling. You had grown up with Lisa, and she was the closest things you had to family. She had married Laurence and had Millie and James who were 5 years and 7 years old respectively. They loved you and called you ‘aunty [y/n]’. The family had been away for 6 month after Laurence’s grandmother passed away and they decided to stay with his mother while she grieved. Because of this, Lisa had limited information about your visitor. You couldn’t tell her a man lived in the woods by your house. You were pretty sure she would run straight home and pull you out by the ear to the doctors to get your head examined. But you did tell her that he was different. ‘Hes a lost soul without knowledge of his worth’ was how you described him, to which she responded ‘soul or soulmate’ in amongst a list of things to remember if you decided to plan a wedding. You had chuckled at her last letter but not dismissed the idea. “James ripped Lily’s arm. Look.” Millie clamber into your lap and showed you the doll, which had a small break in the seam of the arm. “oh, now we cant have that.” You took the doll then moved her off your lap to go to the window and use the setting sun to look closer at the doll. Lisa, despite being an excellent knitter, could not stitch at all. In fact, you always finished her projects for her. But as you were looking at the doll, movement from the woods drew your eyes out. Adam walked out, his eyes looking at the setting sun as he walked to your back door. You froze on the stop, forgetting about the doll in your hands for a moment. Adam was coming here. How would he react to Lisa and her family? Would he want to meet them? You certainly wanted him to meet them. They were both big parts of your life now, and you knew Lisa would like him. In fact, the family would be good for him. You were sure he had never seen how a family dynamic worked, and that most of his encounters were toxic. But you also didn’t want to hurt Adam. While you were sure Lisa and Laurance would be fine, they might freeze up, as you had the first time you met him. And the children were goodhearted, but they might be scared of him on first sight. You didn’t want to think how deeply such a thing might effect him. But that’s assuming he just walked it. You looked back to the family in your Livingroom. If they knew, and he knew, perhaps it would be better. You could ask him if he wants to meet them, and if not he could just wait till they left. But if he did, you could warn the family first, make sure they know hes not use to social interactions and about his looks. walking to Millie, you handed her the doll back and said you would be right back. Going to your kitchen, you met Adam on the porch, closing the door behind you. The second his eyes met yours, they lite up with joy. You couldn’t help but go up on your tiptoes and press a soft kiss to his lips, feeling how he shook for a moment before wrapping his arms around your waist and pulling you tight against him. For a moment, you forgot about your question, or the people in your home. God, you just wanted to freeze that moment in his arms. But when he pulled back, the cool evening air reminded you. “Adam, I have some visitors.” You told him, instantly seeing the reaction. He shrank away from you, letting go of you so he could step back down one step. “I am sorry. I’ll come back-“ He tried to turn but you grabbed his hand. “No, I would like you to meet them.” You smiled, tugging him to stand back up again. “Its Lisa and her family. I told you about them.” “Yes.” He answered, recognition in his eyes. He felt like he knew them, like you feel like you know characters out of a book. He had heard you recant so many stories and he saw how much you cared about them. “You… you want me to meet them? Why?” Adams eyes were filled with confusion as he looked at you. “Because you are important to me.” You smiled, pressing a kiss to his hand. “But I understand if you don’t want to right now. I know ive sprung this on you.” You allowed Adam a moment to think. he hadn’t met many people in his life, and you had been the only one who had been kind to him. So you understood his reservations. But after a moment, Adam let out a shaking breath before nodding. There was now fear in his eyes as he reached out and gently stroked your face, as if memorizing your features. You smiled, leaning into his touch as you tried your hardest not to pull him inside. You needed to be tactful. You didn’t know how everyone would react to him upon first look. Lisa, you decided, would be the first to meet him. Then Laurence and then the children. Taking his hand, you gently guided him inside. Once in the kitchen, you gave him a last reassuring kiss on the cheek before leaving him to go into the livingroom. Lisa looked at you in confusion as you motioned for her to come to you. The kids were now arguing while Laurence tried to play middleman and seemed to be failing. You guided her over by the door to the kitchen, but not close enough for her to look it. “Are you okay?” Lisa asked, pressing the back of her hand to your cheek. “you’re awfully red.” “yes, I am fine.” You reassured her, silently cursing the fact that you still blushed whenever Adam kissed you. You kept your voice low, out of earshot of the kids, and hopefully Adam as well. “Listen, do you remember the man I told you about?” “Yes, the lost soul?” Lisa nodded, then her eyes darted to the kitchen door as she put two and two together. “Oh, is he here? Can I meet him?” “Yes, and yes, but Lisa.” You pulled her gaze back to you. “hes different, okay? He doesn’t look like everyone else.” Lisa tilted her head to the side. “is it bad?” She asked, now concerned. “Whatever’s different about him?” “No, it just looks… sore.” You tried to explain. His scares did look painful, and you were yet to find out how he got them. He had simply told you it was a dark truth he hoped you never found out about. “Okay, I understand.” She nods and you guide her to the kitchen. as you enter, Adam is visibly shaking but straightens up a little. He takes a step forward, wanting to show you he was interested to meet Lisa. “Lisa, this is Adam.” You introduce them. Lisa stood for a moment, frozen to the spot. Until you slyly kicked her foot and she jumped, remembering herself. “hello. [y/n] didn’t tell me you were so tall.” She smiled, curtsying to him. Adam had been so sure he knew what was going to happen. He had been so so sure. Lisa would meet him and scream, pulling you away from him as she curse him to hell. But she didn’t. She was surprised, yes. But she smile and greeted him like he was human. “I have heard a lot about you.” Adam bows, still unable to wrap his head around this. “Only good things, I hope.” Lisa narrows her eyes at you, suspiciously. “That’s for us to know.” You walked across the room, smiling widely at Adam as you did. Adam paused, seeming lost in your eyes for a moment before he smiled back, letting out a breath he had been holding. Suddenly, there was a coldblooded scream. “You ruined her!” Millie screamed out before you heard tiny footsteps running to the kitchen. Millie ran to you, crying her eyes out. “James broke her. He took her arm off!” She wailed as she grabbed your skirt in fistfuls and buried her face in it. She had even registered that there was a stranger in the room as she ran to you (only because she knew she could bend you right round her little finger and her mother would tell James off. “Oh darling.” You leaned down and picked her up. She wrapped her arms around your neck, burying her face in your neck. You looked to Adam, making sure he was okay. He stood frozen, staring at the child. It occurred to you that he might not have been near a child since he was one. Especially one how was screaming your house down. Lisa was beside you, gently brushing her hair back soothingly as she tried to calm her daughter. “What happened?” She asked. Millie held out the doll to her mother, which was now missing its left arm. “Oh dear.” Lisa sighed, about to go tell off James when she heard Laurence speaking with him. “Im sure we can fix it.” You assured Millie as she pulled back, rubbing both her eyes and hiccupping. “Besides, I have someone who can help me.” Millies eyes darted to Adam. “Can you fix Lily?” Millie held out the doll to Adam. She instantly trusted him because you and her mother were standing in the same room as him. She didn’t judge him or act fearful of him. She just wanted to fix her doll. Her eyes flicked to his scars. “did auntie [y/n] fix you?” You and Lisa froze, worried now. Millie was still so young, and didn’t understand that these weren’t things you asked a stranger. But Adam chuckled, taking the doll and looking at the stitching. “yes, [y/n] fixed me. And I am sure she can fix…” He trailed off, looking back to Millie as he gestured to the doll. “Lilly.” She called out, jumping a little in her arms while giggling. “She can fix Lilly.” He confirmed with a nod. You couldn’t help but smile at him. Balancing Millie on your hip and holding her with one arm, you reached out and took Adams hand, squeezing it. Just then, you heard footsteps approaching the kitchen and Laurence and James walked in. Laurence paused in the doorway, his eyes darting to his wife to check it was okay to come in. She nodded. “Apologies, James wanted to say something to Millie.” Laurence places a hand on James back, who was avoiding everyone’s eyes. “Its okay. Laurence, this is Adam. Adam, this is Laurence and James.” You gestured to the boys in turn. Laurence walked across the room, holding out his hand to Adam without any hesitation. Adam shook his hand, dropping yours in the process. Laurence eyes flickered to you, and you instantly saw that Lisa had told him what you had said in your letters, and he had put two and two together. James mirrored his father, shaking Adams hand in turn before turning to you. You gently placed Millie back on the ground to turn to her brother. “Im sorry for breaking Lilys arm.” James held out the arm to Millie as he spoke. She took it, sulking as she tried to match it up to the seam but nodded. James gave her a quick cuddle before turning to you. “Is Mr Adam staying for dinner?” He asked. “Are you?” You raised an eyebrow at him and the two children suddenly turned to their parents, pledging with them. “okay, okay.” Lisa held up her hands in defeat.

--------------time skip -----------------------

Standing on the front porch, you waved to the family as they pulled away in their carriage, Laurence steering the horses while Millie and James were practically hanging out the window waving to you and Adam. The evening was lovely and once which you were so happy it happened. After a nice dinner, the five of you had sat by the fire as Lisa told you what had happened on their trip. You looked to Adam during the time, seeing he had certainly calmed down, no longer as tense as he had been. He had smiled the whole night, even during another of James and Millies argument over who gets to sit next to him at dinner. It was settled that Millie sat beside you and James sat beside Adam and you. Lily was mended and back in Millies arms before the sun fully set. It would seem Adam had two new fans. Millie had squeezed herself in between you and Adam when you were sat on the couch, while James sat to the other side of him. The two of them stole glances at his scars, but neither said much about it. Before they had left, Millie had thrown herself into your arms, hugging you. But before you could put her down, she flung herself towards Adam. You held her beside him as she hugged him as well. Adam patted her back, unsure how to respond. As they pulled away, you guided Adam back into the house. “Thank you.” You whispered, wrapping your arms around his shoulders as you press your lips against his cheek. “My pleasure.” Adam smiled, his arms finding your waist as he pulled you closer and letting out a content sigh. Throughout the whole night, he was sure it would turn. Something would happen and they would suddenly see him for the monster he was. Yet it never did. “Im so proud of you. You did so well.” You smiled, pressing a kiss to his lips and he melted against you. A soft groan left his throat as he kissed you, his mind lost in the moment. You stepped back, your finger gripping his collar and pulling him with you until you hit the wall. One hand rested next to your head as the other on your hip while gently pinning you against the wall. And in a moment, the kiss changed. It became sloppy and needy as Adam cupped your cheek. “its so late.” You mumbled as you pulled back for air. “Do you wish me to leave?” Adam asked, but you shook your head. “No, quite the opposite.” You giggled. Since the snowy night, he stayed once or twice a week, but nothing more than kissing had ever happened. He shared your bed, but was always entirely respectful. Not that you always wanted him to be. And after tonight, you couldn’t get the thoughts of having his bare skin pressed against yours out of your head. He had put himself in an uncomfortable position, just to please you. And he had been so great with the children that you couldn’t help but feel your heart skip a beat at the thought of having your own children with him Adam smiled as you took his hand and slipped out from between him and the wall. you guided him upstairs and he followed you with a soft smile. Once inside your room, you closed the door behind him. Adams lips find yours in the semi darkness of the room. It was a full moon out, and the small amount of light offered a little bit of more visibility. as you kiss him, your fingers find his top buttons of his shirt. You knew you were pushing your luck tonight, and Adam had already done so much for you. But you couldn’t deny the growing need for him you felt. Cold hands cupped your own as Adam pulled back from the kiss. “[y/n].” He gasps your name, shaking a little. “Please, you must know I am not like-“ “Not like other men. I know.” You assured him. “I don’t care.” Adam pauses, blinking as he looks at you. “Adam, we don’t have to do anything if you don’t want to.” You smile, pressing a kiss to each of his knuckles. You didn’t want him to be pressured into anything. “god knows how much I want you [y/n]. but I do not want you to be disappointed or disgusted by me.” Adam whispers to you, resting his forehead against your own. “You could never disappoint me. Or disgust me. Never.” You whisper, pressing a kiss to his lips. Adam paused, before letting go your fingers and giving your permission to continue. Slowly, you undid his shirt. Once done, you slowly trail your fingers up his front then push the material from his shoulders. his fingers played with the hem of your blouse. Pulling back from his lips, you pull your blouse over your head before looking at him. As you drop the material to the floor, your eyes find his torso. As you expect, he was covered in the horrible scars that were visible across his hands and face. raising your hands, you ran your fingers across the top of one, not touching the scar itself. Adam took a shaking breath at your touch, but as you looked up, you saw his own gaze was on your chest which was still hidden by your bra. Reaching behind you, you undid the latch and allowed your bra to fall away from your top to the floor. Adams breath hitched in his throat as you leaned up and kissed him. Pressing yourself against him, his cool skin a contrast to your own warm skin. He shuddered as you kissed him and a groan left his lips. You could feel his growing erection against your front, and you couldn’t help but moan a little against the kiss. You undid your skirt and allowed it to fall to the ground, pooling at your ankles with your underwear. As Adam realized what you had done, he mirrored you with his trouser and own underwear. Instantly, you could feel his long, hard member pressed against your stomach. You pulled him to the bed, now both completely naked before each other. pushing him back, Adam fell onto the bed, instantly sitting up so he was on the edge. His eyes were glued to your body. It allowed you to fully take in his own. Up his legs were covered in the same scars, manly around joints or midsections. He was certainly blessed by god in a certain area and he could, from what you had heard, put most men to shame. You wanted to kiss every inch of him, show him how much you loved him and wanted him. you straddled his lap and his arms locked around your waist. You could feel his member pressed against you as you gently grind against him while kissing him. His hands grip your hips, his fingers digging in as he groans and grunts as the movement. Raising yourself up,, you reach between you both and gently line him up with your entrance. As you slowly sunk onto him, you mewled in delight at the feeling. Adam seemed unable to think straight, his gaze falling to between your bodies. He watched as he entered you, leaning back on his hands on the bed to gaze at your body. When he was fully inside you, you placed your hands on his chest, steadying yourself. Grinding your hips, you could help but moan at the feeling, quickly understanding how someone could become addicted to this. Especially when your moans were met with Adams own groans of pleasure. Adams eyes found yours and they were dark with lust. You bite your lower lip and that seemed to break Adam. He sat up straight, his hands cupping your breast while his lips found your neck. You threw your head back, allowing him full across to your neck as you gently started to bounce on him, feeling him shudder and groan against your skin. One hand slipped behind you, skimming down your skin to your rear and grabbing a handful. Adam had throwing his self doubt and caution to the wind, finally able to fully let go with you once he saw you were having as much pleasure as he was. “Adam.” You moaned as he kissed up your jaw and to your lips, kissing you hungrily as you bounced. “Your lips as a sweet as nectar and your body divine as heaven.” Adam whispered to you as he broke your kiss to stare intensely into your eyes. You couldn’t answer. In fact, your mind couldn’t tie two words together as you moaned, your hips increasing their speed. Adam looked down, his gaze raking down your body to where it met his own. You allowed your own eyes to travel his body, every scar and cut making your heart hurt for him. leaning forward, you kiss down his neck and across his shoulder, paying special attention to any scars there. Adam moaned, his head falling back as he buckled his hips up to meet your thrusts with a new urgency. “[y/n]!” Adam groaned through gritted teeth, his hands leaving your breast and rear to settle back on your hips, begging you to go faster, harder. Pulling back, you placed both hands on his broad shoulder, obliging his request as you quickened your pace. “Adam, god.” You whimper as you feel a coil tighten in your lower stomach. Sure, you had touched yourself before, more recently to the thought of Adam, but this was totally different. You loved it. Adam kissed up your neck, groaning your name against your neck like it was a prayer as he pants. You couldn’t take any more. Your orgasm hit you like you were struck by lightning. It coursed through your veins like fire as your body shook with pleasure. You walls pulsed around him, tightening around Adam as he came inside you with a lengthy groan. Adam fell back into the bed, spent inside you, while you lay on his chest. You both were panting, and your heart was beating so hard you could hear it in your ears. you buried your face in his neck, pressing soft, sloppy kisses there. Adam turned his head to you, his eyes finding your own hazy ones. He smiled at you. A lazy, satisfied yet joyful smile. “I love you.” You whispered to him, raising a hand so your fingers skimmed across his cheek. Adam reached up, pressing his hand against your own. “I love you, [y/n]. so so much.” He returned your affection, sealing them with a soft kiss. “That was a heavily bliss someone such as I was never meant to see.” “You were amazing, so I cant quite agree with you.” You giggle, pushing yourself up and off him. Adam followed you as you climbed into bed. Adam always slept closest to the door, making you feel safe and secure as you lay your head on his chest. You were about to doze off when Adam spoke. “What if I am unable to give you children?” His question was out of the blue, and you almost thought you had imagined it until you looked up and saw sorrowful eyes looking down at you. “What if I cannot do that?” “Then we can adopt. Theres plenty of children in this world who need love.” You leaned up, pressing a kiss to his cheek. “Have you thought about having a family?” “Until you? No. but now, I’d give everything to stay by your side. Then today, with Millie and James, I cannot begin to describe the feeling. I know it is selfish to keep you to myself, to force a child with me as a father, but I want a family with you.” Adam spoke, bearing his soul for you. “Adam, it isn’t selfish at all. And it’s a want that I share with you.” You smile, gently stroking his cheek. “I have nothing to teach, nothing to show. What could I bring a child?” He shook his head, his mind working fast against himself. His eyes left your own, looking behind you. “You could show love, and compassion. Adam, look at me?” You pulled his focus back to you. “any child would be lucky to have you as its father.” “A father.” He mumbles to himself, glancing away from you for a moment before returning his gaze. He takes your hand in his own, lowering it over his heart. “I swear I’ll protect you, stay beside you and any child of ours, biological or not.” “I know you will.” You smile, pressing your forehead against his own. You were touched by his vow. Adam, as normal, stayed up later than you. He often found himself resenting sleep, because it took him away from you for hours. Not that his dreams were without you. Adam stroked your hair, pushing it out of your face as you cuddled in closer to him. But tonight, he allowed himself to indulge in a fantasy he had rejected from his mind. He thought of a child. Adam couldn’t picture what he/she would look like, but he imagined the spirit. He thought of waking up with a little human bouncing onto the bed, shaking you awake. He thought of little footsteps running through the house. Of tripping over toys, of late nights, early mornings, tantrums, laughter. And of love.

#frankenstein #adam frankenstein #adam x reader #adam frankenstein x reader #frankensteins creation #frankensteins creature #frankensteins monster #monster x reader

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savnofilter · 5 years

Text

hey guys, i just wanted to speak up about something because i have been getting questions if i was well and stuff and im not really sure these days. mainly because i have become uncomfortable on this blog.

and i beg that people who dont like me, please do not spread things about me please or this because i thought i owe this to my followers.

the reason as to why i feel uncomfortable is because it really dawned upon me that being here doesnt make me happy anymore. and you could see in how flat my writing has become, or how my behavior often changes from happy to sad/low in a quick second.

and since after the summer, being on here has been almost terrible for me. like i use to have many friends, many people i talked to or felt like i created a bond with a lifetime, just kind of up and left me in the dust. while i finally took the time to focus on me for once, they used it against me, they got mad at me and its just hard to keep quiet about since it has always been my goal to talk about my feelings and now i dont think i can anymore, as to why im writing this to you guys tonight..

i will not get into depth (or specific) about it because i feel like the more i try to explain myself, the more twisted it becomes. and instead of helping me, it hurts me.

over the few months, i found when i was taking breaks to be happier.

and its not the thought of you guys, it was more of like the lingering feeling of the way i was treated by people lingering on my blog. and im afraid if i feel like this still holds truth, i will be leaving this blog sooner or later.

in truth, i feel like ive been mistreated or even to the point where my feelings were so construed that it felt like i have been gaslighted over and over and over again. and honestly i am not as mentally or emotionally mature as many people on here, and some of them know that but it was never regarded.

im sad that this experience has come to this, because i really loved interacting, interacting with everyone and sharing my stories, but with the bad experiences on here has even turned my love/passion for writing down -- and even watching anime. i feel reminded every time i see certain blogs all over my feed, or like “hey im safe with these group of people” then they would pop up again. i felt like im some sort of villain or like an unintelligent-idiot who cant think for themselves. and while people who brainlessly follow those people can blindly hate me is fine, because i will never change who i am for anyone. ever. and i hate having to make posts like these because i feel bad for being so angsty and not being the sav that you guys know because while the brand “savnofilter” or “sav” is an extension of me, i sometimes feel so detached because of how shut out ive fell in this fandom for like 5 months now.

and i sincerely apologize to any new followers, i use to not be this down all the time but it really has been brought to my attention that the only social media that has heightened my anxiety, my depression, and even a part of illnesses i thought went away has resurfaced all because of what has happened associated to this blog.

whether it be being shut out and begging for help from the people i thought would be friends, or that i was kicked to the curve simply because i was not in the right state of mind and basically told me it was my fault for being that way.

and when it was fun, when i had friends it never felt like a chore for me on here. but as i lose support like that, it just hurts even though i have someone who stays beside me all the time. once you lose that, that, ground you start to compare yourself, like normal human nature i think. i started too look at my blog and be like “why arent i getting as much as before, what am i doing wrong, what is so bad about my stuff thats good with theres”. and part of the factor was that its odd, because it wasnt even a place of jealousy. it was one of, how did i fall to be so unimportant? so... immaterial. and it was like, each writer i fell out with, everyone just followed them and im left here trying my best to fill in their spots because i missed having that friend group, or friends with me. the only who really cared for me even with the biggest arguments and hoenstly it was because they were the only the one that cared for me. and i am not trying to cause discourse so please do not contact other people about this.

and as much as i stay at this point to irk the people who want me gone, i feel like the subtle unintentional (or intentional) bad vibes being brought to me is choking me up. and its doing well.

it just, it was so odd being treated like actual shit. like dog dooky shit. like if i was the poop on the sidewalk that you walk around and wonder who fucking took that massive shit, shit. and i was afraid to speak up about it because i was afraid of the backlash id get for having fucking feelings.

from someone who went through some shit when i was younger, and built this barrier, to being repeatedly told over and over again that my feelings are invalid, to have people to tell me “i wont do that too you” and then do it to me just made me grow as a person. or die as a person. im not sure yet.

not only was it a mixture of people leaving me for shitty reasons, it was how stupid this fandom got. yeah, stupid. completely idiotic. of course there are people who sense-ful(?) and i love you a lot for it. but like ive said before, its unfair, there is no love like there use to be. people arent how they use to be. people put on a show, but once behind close doors its completely different. and if youre thinking of anyone in specific, youve got some shit to reevaluate.

i was so scared to talk about it before because i was so scared at the backlash id get because i was so tired for being the hurt one and being called the bad guy. and im not blind to me being a bitch, but when i feel like ive done something im upfront about it. im rambling but this happens when i finally let my thoughts out.

and if ive been truthful, ive fallen out of my routine with meeting up with my therapist which may one of the reasons i let it run on this long without really getting a clear conscience. and like ive said before, i had thought it had to do with my life but honestly the only grief i get is being on here.

to be honest, i have projects and requests i really want to complete before i even leave. so maybe its a while before i leave, maybe if it gets too much i’ll just go. i do not know. but 2020 is the year i finally want to take my own health over everyone else before i did before. and even with how hurt i am, i still hold so much love for these people. so much. but ive always been too loyal.

i am sorry for this sorrowful note, but i do not know how much longer i will stay. i love you all, have a blessed night.

#sav talks

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and-i-uh · 4 years

Note

6? 22? Any other number you wanted to answer?

6- i dont have any stim toys, ive never really delved into that stuff, i was never really given the chance to explore stuff that would help me out with stimming and such. I also dont think i would like stim toys? Maybe i just have to try some but idk.

22- idk any specific songs i stim to. But ive stimmed while listening to mcr, and honestly i just stim to alot of the general songs i listen to. I really like singing along, i think thats a stim of mine, and some songs just listening to them is like stimming (anything with drums and/or guitars)

2- i like blankets a lot. Even if im hot and dont really need one, ill subconsciously grab the blanket on the couch and put it on my lap, and on my bed. There was one day i grabbed a pocket-sized beanie baby and put itin my hoodie pocket, and just knowing it was there made me happy. Also when i was with my friends one of them stuck their hands in my pocket and i panicked and like moved it out of their reach bc i was scared to get made fun of lol, it ended up being fine. I sleep with stuffed animals a lot. I think thats it

3- my school experiences were,,, not fun at all. Theres a lot to unpack there. My schools all had this thing called a “504 plan” or whatever. And it’s supposed to help people with certain disorders/disabilities. Mine only acknowledged my adhd as far as i know. Maybe my anxiety too. Some of the things that were supposed to ‘help’ were moving me to the front of the room, i got extended time to complete stuff (supposedly), extended time on certain tests (which i only saw on the act, literally i got no other extended time to do anything else. And after i got extended time on the act my scores shot up. Imagine the potential if i was given my actual extended time shit) and the meetings were hell. They started to have meetings with me in middle school, sixth grade i think. Having an administrator there, and my parents, and at least one teacher was terrifying to me. I think i cried every meeting. Honestly it felt like an interrogation to me, esp with all the damn eye contact and shit. My dad asked me if i wanted to continue it this year and i was immediately like fuck no nuh uh not happening. And whether or not I actually needed to be in the front of the room depended on the class, teacher, the people in there, but a lot of the time i would just be moved to the front and i would hate it. In eighth grade my math teacher moved me from the back of the room (a favorite seat in that class) to the front of the room in the middle of class for like a week. It was honestly humiliating and the only time i was eventually able to express my opinion on the 504 shit. Actually my freshman math teacher did that too. Ahaha moving on now before this gets too long.

4/5- three negative and positive things about being autistic.

Pros-

(1) i dont really have a chance to not have a hobby. Ive always got an interest to keep me entertained and i like that.

(2) stimming is nice, i like it, im not afraid to let myself stim. Makes me feel better.

(3) im unique and shit. I have a different pov than other people and that allows me to have different ways of thinking. I think outside the box ig. I also have this weird version of confidence and objectivity that I appreciate in myself

Cons-

(1) its hard to feel like i belong somewhere, bc im so different. Im getting better at it but im not good at getting close to people.

(2) i also like,, dont have certain permanence? Like object permanence? A lot of the time i dont really miss things/people unless im somewhere that reminds me of them. Idk if it’s negative really but its something,, even a spin, like bts, i dont really miss them that much until i do. Theyre still very important to me but yeah

(3) people dont really get me the same way other people get other people. And its hard for me to explain it to people. And theres certain people i get more than others. Its weird.

7- people need to give autistics a chance to be heard. Apply the accommodations you “give” them. Dont put them in the spotlight and give them space when needed. We are what you might call “picky” too. Eating, learning, socializing, we have our own things we need to be able to do shit. Learn them. Let us stim. Encourage us to learn about ourselves and remind us that youre there for us. But dont try to help us unless we ask or we actually need help. Dont trigger meltdowns on purpose, stop using the r word even in passing like its not a big deal. Be more than aware of us, accept us, appreciate us. Dont be a bystander.

8- i dont have much experience with meltdowns? I think? If i have i didnt have chances to recover. I had to go back to class or something. Idk how to recognize them in me either.

10- showering. Thats a big thing that even though i kinda need i forget to do. Except during school. I had a whole routine in the morning and i was super punctual. If i didnt shower i would be late, miss the bus, forget something.

12- meat. The way it feels. Disgusting. How do people eat it and not feel like dying? Same with lettuce. Spinach is fine but every time i try to eat lettuce I almost throw up. Bell peppers, pickles, vinegar, mayo, eggs usually, cheese sometimes. Just off the top of my head. One time i tried putting lettuce on my burger, was feeling adventurous, and after biting down i had to just take the lettuce off. Another time, my stepmom (newly married to my dad) made slads for us, and i was skeptical. There was white stuff all over the salad and she wouldnt tell me what it was. I tried eating a little carrot stick thing and almost vomited. Thats when she learned I cannot eat mayo. Even if idk that its mayo i still cant fuckin eat it. She forced me to eat bell peppers one time. Didnt go well at all. At all.

(Not gonna do the spin one bc ive already talked about them and if i do again itll be too long)

15- yes! I only do big stuff(?)(like yelling n shit) when im completely alone. Like if im home alone. Bc i get so loud. Sometimes ill hum in my room or sing to myself in my room though. Its so fun. As for phrases i repeat, ill repeat anything i find interesting. In a movie or song, or even something a friend said. One time my mom said the phrase “tough titty said the kitty but the milks still good” and i went around the kitchen repeating it until she got annoyed. Also sometimes something in the room will have a constant sound and ill like think a phrase to that sound repeatedly. Idk how to explain it lol. Idk if thats echolalia either

16- rocks. Typical i know, collecting rocks. But i just cant help it. I see a rock i like, i pick it up, take it home. I used to collect sticks. And when i was in elementary school, i used to pick shit up off the playground. Beer bottle caps was a favorite. Apparently the school called my mom about it bc they found my stash and thought it was from home and my parents were drinking excessively. 😬 oops

18- introverted?

19- kinda depends. Idk. I really cant tell wow. I would probably say hypersensitive. Just cause i have a ton of sensory issues and a lot of stuff bothers me. Like types of clothes. And how things are resting on my body. Yeah i guess i am hypersensitive.

20- i used to struggle with self love a lot. And sometimes i still kinda do. But in the past few years ive really started appreciating myself and trying to learn a lot about myself. Its going well id say.

21- empathy. Hmm. I think im very empathetic, actually. I can always tell when someone is feeling uncomfortable in a situation. And when i should tell people to back off of them if they wont say it themselves. And im very uncomfortable when theres secondhand embarrassment. And bullying, in something im watching or reading. Yknow, I actually cant watch mean girls. I just. I tried, i had to walk away bc I couldn’t take it. It also kinda triggers me so theres that. Bc of the bullying. But yeah im very empathetic. Otherwise socially im not good at that.

23- nope. Ive got like no support system other than tumblr and online friends. Apparently my dad refused to acknowledge im autistic and hes my favorite parent. Thats his big flaw though. And if i “came out” to him and said it myself he would probably come around. I know hes not completely nt either. My Opa has ocd, so nuerodiversity runs in the family ig.

While making this i got distracted and went on insta for like an hour oops lol

24- steampunk cosplay? Or college dorm tips? The steampunk one was freshman year, and the college dorm one was fifth grade. It lasted well into sixth grade and seventh grade.

#actually autistic #autism #autism acceptance #special interest #ask #spin #spins #autistic

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heads-in-the-clouds-spacecadet · 4 years

Text

When asked to write a daily diary for anxiety management.

Here are a few days example....

Sunday 24th

Mood/anxiety = numb.

Additional meds =8mg of diazipam.

My whole body aches yet it shouldn't. My stomach is growling yet i feel physically sick.

Things i ask myself....

Q.1 Will i leave my safe space, weighted blanket & mountain of pillows?

A.1 NO.

Q.2 Will i manage my yoga routine

A.2 NO

Reasons....Why

I feel exhausted even though ive not been outside since Thursday. I just want the aching to subside the pain to leave. My jaw is clenched closed making eating an ordeal. I know this needs to be done.

The dread of what passive aggressive message/s ill receive today either in person or written either way im struggling to motivate myself to move.

The Internet has been blocked for nearly a wk now. But i just let it slide as the saying goes choose your arguements "wifi is not the hill i want to die on" quote from TBBT. I hear Luke (my brother) is now in his bedroom and his door is closed. He has been banging around the house sending passive aggressive messages (sms) since 4am. My belongings that i left downstairs were thrown into my room. I'm nervous to leave my room till i know he is asleep.

Flashback/negative thoughts....

1. How can my baby brother be an emotional manipulator.

2. Last time i had to justify my everymove i was in Portugal in a very bad relationship.

*****Ways im looking to excuse his behaviour. Find the cause to my sudden crash of low mood aka depression with a nice battle of anxiety.

---Logically i know its not the same.

---Emotionally it hurts the same.

The way he looks at me with disgust, resentment & impatience is the trigger. I realise this. How someone you love can make you feel this way.

Solution: i decide to find a solution to the sudden conflict of money and i know there is a receipt in the car. I go to the normal place the keys are kept and theyre no where to be found. I look in all the obvious logical places they could be and realise theyre hidden by my loving brother. His Reasons, 1-to stop me buying shit (his words). 2. He has decided its his house, his car so therefore his rules. (Its all my mums btw)

As im downstairs i notice the kitchen is a mess. Pots all over from a feast Luke cooked up the night before. Or should i say 2am.

So i feel defeated. Ive basically been cleaning non stop everytime i use a room as per gov guidelines and he just doesnt seem to comprehend the severity of the situation.

I decide i need to eat. So i opt for Shreddies with Oat Milk (Luke has a serious milk allergy to the milk proteins in cows milk so im not fussed about milk and am happy to use alternatives) topped with vanilla soya yogurt, bannana, a few cranberries, 3 strawberries, sultanas and crushed Almonds. My logical brain is telling me eat well as we are not leaving the bedroom again unless desperate.

I send a few messages to the family whats app (Luke refuses to be a part of this) and receive encouraging and support in return. Everyone is struggling in their own way so i appreciate having a small outlet between us all.

After food i sleep finally.

Trying now to Ready myself for round 2 which i know is coming.

My mum calls i dont want to answer but i do. I explain the situation. She knows, she has dealt with his angry behaviour since he was 11yrs old. She stated she is coming to visit Tuesday as per new gov guidelines and we will meet in the park. She then asks me to pass the phone to Luke which i pointblank refuse. Im not ready for round 2 yet. Especially since he has his own phone he is just not answering making everyone worry about him but he just resents it. Its safe to say im proud i refused to do something. Gold star award ⭐

Monday 25th

Mood/Anxiety - still no change from yesterday but i decide i have to force myself to move. Wash, clean and pack the additional things my mum has requested.

Additional meds - i decided against taking anything today as i need to be clear headed for my appointment Tues and obvs my mums visit.

I check the weather see its a nice day decide washing is task 1. I set a bath running (multi tasking saving time from all the free time) and head downstairs to pop the washing machine on. Before i left my room i checked my phone for messages i have one from my mum telling me she has had words with Luke and that he needs to basically deal with the resentment in a more positive way.

This explains all the banging and loud music yesterday early eve. He decided to actually clean.

Anyhow I head downstairs. Kitchen is clean, messages all wiped from the black board.

I decide i must try and communicate with Luke as we cant take the conflict with us to the park it isnt fair to our mum.

I can hear him moving so send a sms message asking if he wants anything in the oven. No response. ***He did finally get out of bed at 3pm so a peaceful day so far.

I decide food is required. I opt for protein soya burgers x2 with Spinach, tomatos, avacado, sultanas, almond pieces and some crumpets. I sit in the garden to eat.

All washing is out and drying but im to anxiety ridden and unmotivated to enjoy the sunshine.

I head back to my room to sort bits for my mum and throw away my origami collection. It was over taking my room and again causing conflict.

Lukes awake!!!. I decide to say hello. So far so good. He decides to make himself lunch and throws a fit because i ate a £0.45 avocado. I walk away as i know he is just venting and i need to not start the circle of negative thoughts or interactions. This is rewarded with resentment. Luke suddenly decides to do his own washing and cut the grass. Which means my washing is in his way. Before he even starts i am pulling in whats dry mainly because i want to go back to bed and need my bedsheets but also because he wont care if my washing turns green or is damaged. To my delight my sheets are dry but my pjs etc need another 30mins so i leave them whilst i go and make my bed.

Im bellowed at about washing as Luke needs the line. So i head down stairs to reteive the rest of my belongings.

Self soothing thoughts...

Im walking on eggshells trying not to provoke the beast and i need to keep going. Focus on my achievements. I left my room. I cleaned myself, my clothing and my pillow fort which has been my safe zone for the past 4days.

Deep down thought i am disappointed as i know isolation and distancing is not a long turn solution as the yrs pass im becoming more and more isolated and lonely.

Im downstairs again and i ask Luke if he wants anything popping in the oven as i was having toast. He requested 2 burgers and chips but on seperate trays as he was hungry. Easy to do popped into the oven. 40mins later chips are cooked he is plating up and all he says is "why have you cooked so many chips, clearly we now live in a household of wastefulness".

This was the turning point for me id had enough for 1day and just told him to give it a rest and went to my room.

Im dozing with Big Bang on in the backround and Luke is banging on my door. Mums on the phone. Confirming arrangements for tomorrow. I say a few oks with the occasional nod.

I start packing the bits n bobs my mum has asked for and carry then downstairs so theyre ready for the car tomorrow am.

Its PJs and bed time. Luke has other ideas. He is awake and up and about at 4.30am. Having a bath at 5am, doing weights after his bath at 6am then leaves in the car at 7am. He is back around 8am banging has a shower then decides to leave again in the car. He is meant to be house-bound until July 1st. This in itself causes me anxiety as i cant handle watching another member of my family die in front of my eyes.

Thoughts...

Yes this is VERY dramatic. STOP IT BRAIN!

Take precautions all will be ok.

Tuesday 26th

Mood/Anxiety = No change

Additional meds = 4mg diazipam but late afternoon as i couldnt stop shaking and fidgeting.

My mum is coming to visit. Im trying not to think about the fact Luke is out of the house.

We are having a picnic social distancing style.

We head to the coop as Luke has decided even after knowing our mum all his life never be on time, we have to be early. I buy Costa coffee, fresh bread, hummus, bananas, diet coke and some biscuits the nature valley ones theyre really good. Luke doesnt go into the shop I think at least he is listening to some rules. He rolls his eyes as i spray the shopping with dettol spray and use the alcohol hand sanitizer for my hands and door handle etc. I just tell him its how it needs to be done.

We find a perfect parking spot under a bunch of trees. I notice that all the trees are trimmed in a very even shelf across the bottom. It looked like it was designed perfectly for people to walk straight onto the park from the car park without having to fight with tree branches or go around. But in actual fact its the deer. They eat the lower leaves this made me smile and relax for a moment. WIN.

My mum is late so im nervous that she is

1. Stuck somewhere (over reaction)

2. Lost (over reaction)

3. Just running late (normal reaction)

Im a tad fidgety as im aware i have an appointment in 2hrs. Hurry up MOTHER...

I ponder about work and whether or not ill still have a job to return too. Had an email this am stating theyre cutting 200jobs from the team i work in. So not sure if thats a good thing or not. But its also increasing my anxiety as ive read the email and now have a burning desire to do the research to see what my probability of keeping my job will be. Before my brain can go on a major tangent my mum arrives.

Shes brought Oscar (her poodle) he is so excited to see me. And the big hairy fluff ball gave me the biggest snuggles. He has a major Covid hairdoo. My mum doesnt hug me which hurts but i know she cant.

Picnic time. We sit in the middle.of a field away from everyone. Social distancing 10/10. My mum has made me my favourite cakes, rock buns. (Apparently these are a northern thing) but im feeling the love. Its fairly chilled only 1 disagreement with Luke over blinkin avocados.

Im clock checking and aware of impending appointment, im a little (understated) nervous because ive not had positive relationships with therapists or doctors in the past.

#mental health #lost #hurting #help #self reflection #finelinebetweenloveandhate #still breathing #GAD #recovery #survivor

0 notes

aurora-daily · 5 years

Text

AURORA’s Q&A during Spotify Listening Party

Q: Hello Aurora. Is „In Bottles“ related to „In Boxes“ because in „In Bottles“ you are singing underneath her bed and when she is lying in bed maybe she is laying on her spine. Is that the story behind that phrase ? ❤ You are the Best and i Love you ❤

A: they are both about the same lady... that is really well spotted. It has a really strange meaning to it. she wants to be close to people in a very strange way... !

Q: Aurora what is your favourite song on the album?

A: it changes from day to day.. right now its Soulless Creatures. because of its meaning.

Q: Where do you record the álbum?

A: i did it in bergen last november with Magnus <3

Q: Can we expect Step 3, or it's the end of "A Different Kind" era?

A: this is definitely not the last step... but i cannot tell you yet when it will be released.. !

Q: when is the time of day/night you write music the most?

A: i definitely have the most ideas at night, or when im about to fall asleep, sometimes it can keep me awake for hours later than i should stay awake.. but its worth it.

Q: Will you travel to Vietnam???

A: YES

Q: Are you singing in Frozen 2?

A: i might be heard in the wind…

Q: your birth name represents just your music, the universe, peace ... have you thought how would you call yourself artistically if you had another birth name? Which one identifies you?

A: ive always felt that my name fits me so well, and i remember when i learnt what it meant when i was young that i took it like a little mission in life. to create a little light in the world, in one way we all should

Q: Aurora, I meet you the last month and I gave you a skirt, I just wanna say sorry cause it was too big, And I send you a message in your private (sorry)Facebook horse account, I need and advice

A: i love it!! im going to make it a bit smaller, haha !thank you so much!

Q: Do you make your own clothes?

A: yes i make them with my sister Viktoria who knows how to sew!!! i like to know where the clothes comes from, and with her i know the source of the clothes, which feels very good! i like to wear whatever feels good, so its good to have someone who can turn my dreams into real clothes!

Q: Tell us about your language in ADKOH single... what does it mean?

A: its my own language, and one day i will tell you. its based around its core which is human emotions. i want to make it easier for us to discuss our emotions with the world!

Q: Thank you for supporting us - LGBT. I must admit that it is very useful in Poland. We fight a homophobic government and you give us power

A: that moves my heart so much to hear. im sending you so much love. and that is just the beauty of love - it is so much bigger than us. anyone who dares raise a fist against it will always loose the fight. love will win <3 always.

Q: I have found that this album is best fully realized while being outside. I've been running and interpreptly dancing around my neighborhood everyday and it's transportive

A: i love this so much `3

Q: What was your favourite song to produce?📝🤔

A: i loved producing Soulless Creatures and Appletree. ADKOH was also a journey of its own kind. very lovey. Ive used samples from my life, and mixed them with the beauty of electronic music. A bit of both worlds, living in harmony.

Q: How long did it take to right this album? Where did you write?

A: ITs taken me two years to work on all the songs from both Step I and II. and producing Step II took a whole month, with no sleep and long days me and Magnus Skylstad made the whole thing with some help from a norwegian artist called Askjell (on Daydreamer and ADKOH) we cried so much. and laughed. so many emotions. very very beautiful.

Q: Why is 8 your favourite number?

A: i cannot really explain it. i just feel its right. i have a very strange relationship with numbers, i need them to be right. and 8 and 11 have always made me feel so good. their both the same when upside down and mirrored which i love. very reliable.

Q: Can we expect some songs in Norwegian?

A: yes...!

Q: We know in AMDGMAAF you had a sample of you hugging a tree, have you sampled anything unusual/interesting and put it in this album?👀

A: ive sampled all kinds of stuff, my breath, rain, steps, books, washing machines, crushing things, animals, chewing... etc. its so fun. i love working that way. On soulless creatures i have the sound of me tapping my own chest to my heart. <3

Q: "fear not, fear not when you go" that part gets me every time (and i have listened to this song like 100 times)

A: <3 <3 <3 !!!

Q: how do you keep up with all the questions? hahah

A: i dont!! hahaha

Q: do you write lyrics for other artists?

A: yes sometimes i do!!

Q: The symbols in adkoh are a new language right? But are they letters, more like a code, or it's literally a new language where symbols can be a entire word?

A: their all a part of my own language, one day i will show you all of it.

Q: I think your albums are literature, it is really interesting how there is a connection between all of them. From awakening to mothership, is there any plans of releasing a book some day?

A: i will x !!

Q: are there any more music videos coming?

A: Y to the E to the S

Q: I know some people in Tromso but theyre a bit strange. Is everyone from Tromso strange?

A: yes.

Q: Everyone is talking so quickly, I guess I'll shout into the void :p If you get a chance to read this Aurora, I know that you know how many lives you've touched so I'm not special for saying that you as a person, as well as your music, have saved my life. You're so good at making us all feel like your best friends, but I know what it's like to not be a very social person and it's scary. You're so brave and wonderfully peculiar in your heart. please stay true to yourself.

A: thank you so so much for these beautiful words x i promise i will. forever and ever.

Q: the choir goes SO GOOD with in bottles YOUR MIND

A: !!!!!!!!!

Q: Your numbers are 8 & 11? Very cute, in spirit these are good numbers, one means positivity and the other is financial abundance

A: i dont believe any human being could know the true spiritual meaning of them, they belong with the gods, or the trees. everything that we dont know x

Q: .I want to know about that percussion sound that's in a different kind of human...it sounds so different but really "authentic", I know that sounds weird

A: i am really into strange percussion. and im a percussionist myself so i tend to focus a lot on the rhythms. i had the beat for this song in my mind days before even writing it. and i wanted it to sound like something that doesnt exist from before. like ship. the mothership.

Q: What's your patronus?

A: a big wolf. <3

Q: I feel like an ant!

A: me too.

Q: Which song are you most excited to play live that you haven’t already?💃🏼🎶

A: appletree and daydreamer. so full of energy.

Q: Hei Aurora ^_^ En hilsen fra *nesten* nabokommunen din, Kvam! Jeg så deg for første gang på Bygdalarm i 2016. Jeg lytter til musikken din hver dag, den åpner dører, gir meg friske pust. Jeg ville egentlig bare si at jeg er så stolt over deg, selv om jeg aldri ordentlig har "møtt" og snakket med deg. Jeg føler du lager sanger som representerer en helt spesiell del av det å være menneske. Å ha et åpent sinn, se ting som andre ikke ser. Vokste selv opp midt i en skog, tekstene går rett til hjertet!

A: tusen tusen takk. dette var helt nydelig.

Q: Where did you get the inspiration to make "Apple Tree", not only the lyrics, but the sound of it since it's different from anything you've ever made.

A: i dont really like to put any walls around myself, so that day i felt like i wanted to do whatever made me feel nice. and i felt very playful! i have always liked to make different kind of music, like The seed and animal, it happened quiet and under the water etc. its nice to try lots of different expressions. thats what its all about.

Q: I just want to thank you. I've recently been diagnosed with ME, also known as chronic fatuige syndrome. Your songs fill me with strength and energy when I listen to them<3

A: that is so good to hear. I am so sorry youve gotten this extra thing to deal with in your life. im sending you lots of strength. and love.

Q: Do you believe in aliens? I do!!

A: of course!!!!

Q: Have you ever listened to a Black Metal band?

A: yes i love it so much. i love Gojira, Mastodon, Tool, System of A down and Perfect circle too. very nice.

Q: what do you think is the most important message behind your album? <3

A: I think all of them are. The fight for love, the fight for nature. the whole thing about our consuming, and the way we dont appreciate what we have. about having respect for eachother and mother earth. its about so many things that i care about. maybe the environmental focus is one of the most important message right now, and that we all can save the world together. In appletree its all about that. We. can. save. the. world.

Q: Is your language an alien language and are you actually an alien?

A: i am an alien yes, but i belong here on earth too. my language is al alien language that i have made x

Q: Just want to let you know that your music is well-loved in Asia even many of us don't speak English,your music is no boundaries,can we except your Asia tour soon ?

A: my dream is to go to asia. so yes. YES

Q: i don’t use spotify and i couldn’t get this stream to work so i deadass created an account and bought premium for this smh i love u aurorie

A: Oh My GOD!! really!_! that is amazing. thank you for doing all that to be here with us !

Q: Mothership is so important and special to me because last year my best friend committed suicide and it makes me feel like she's gone to a safer place ✨🌿💗

A: i am so sorry to hear. The Mothership will take those people, who felt like the world was a too dark place to be. Its a horrible thing when people think that is the only way out. Sending love to you and the family who lost a loved one. She is in a safe place now.

Q: Have you ever attended piano lessons, can you read notes, or rather you are self-taught

A: i dont know anything about music theory, im self taught!

Q: Aurora, I'm a painter. And I can not get my paintbrushes and paint something without listening to their songs. You inspire me a lot. That's the reason I can do everything I do. Thank you for that.

A: aaaaahhhhh. thank you so much for letting me inspire you. thank you. keep painting!

Q: aurora do you sometimes feel like talking to trees and plants? cause i do sometimes and they are beautiful creatures! they have a very caring and loving energy!!

A: i do too!!!

HEllo hELlo you lovely people. I am really trying my best to answer all of you. but its as difficult as building a castle of melted chocolate. Soon the chat will close, but before i go. i want to say thank you to all of you. you are such great people, and i am so happy to share this album with you. thank you for diving into it <3

thank you all for coming!!! will stay for 11 minutes more until the chat closes!!! JUST HAD TO SAY THANK YOUUUUUUUUUUUU

Q: What is the emotionally hardest song for you to sing from your new album?

A: i think Dance on the moon. x

Q: I seen in a fanwiki page that you like minecraft, DO YOU PLAY MINECRAFT???

A: i love it so much. i always play on creative mode though!!

Q: Do you intend to write a book someday? We would love to read it!🥚

A: i will, and i think its so nice that you are all interested in me doing so!

Q: The beat from apple tree has any inspiration from olodum ? (A Brazilian type of beat )

A: YES! and hip hop too. i felt it deserved a very alive and bad-*** groove.

Q: Have you dealt with anxiety and/or depression?

A: Yes i have. its a long time ago since i was depressed, its so strange how ******************************************************************************************************************************************************************************************************************************!!

Q: Are there any songs that almost didn’t make it to the album?👀🎶

A: actually daydreamer and dance on the moon just barely made it!!!

Q: what helped you get through the lows of your life?

A: making music. and giving myself time to heal. ive never felt guilty for being a bit out of ... tune with myself. being an emotional human being is hard, but at least you can always make yourself feel better by finding an outlet. or talking. or crying. just let yourself feel, dont escape from it. then suddently youll feel better one day.

Q: AURORA THE FATE OF THIS WORLD DEPENDS ON YOUR ANSWER TO THIS QUESTION!!!!!!! what is your favourite primate? is it the humble chimpanzee which would align with my favourite? or perhaps the solid orangutang. i am curious to see

A: haha this is so funny. i love the orangutang.

Q: You’ve talked sometimes about there are some things on the industry and big companies that you don’t like. How do you deal with it? How is your relationship with big production companies?

A: just remember to always follow my instinct. <3

and thank you for all the birthday wishes!!!!

Q: AURORA'S FANS ARE THE SWEETEST!! I LOVE YALL AND AURORA SO MUCH!! YOU MAKE THIS PLACE SUCH A SAFE PLACE TO SHARE, AND TO THE FANS TRYING TO PUT DANCE ON MOON ON NASA'S PLAYLIST, YALL ARE THE B ES T!!!!!!

A: I KNOW!!

Q: Aurora, Is Star wars still on you phone ring?

A: hahah yes!!

Q: Do you read the messages we write on instagram

A: yes <3

Q: Aurora your a inspiration and a safe place for a lot of LGBT+ that listen to your song, especially me, thanks for all the love you spread across the world

A: thank you so much! <3 sending you love. love love love love love

[credits for this recap!]

#aurora #aurora aksnes #interviews #spotify #in bottles #in boxes #soulless creatures #apple tree #step 2 #magnus #askjell #daydreamer #adkoh

53 notes · View notes

hyunarkarchive · 6 years

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oh my stress;;

“'tis i, a writer, togetherslapper of words.”

knowing that my own five year anniversary at rookies is in about two months makes me actually really emotional, and most of you know, i don’t really get emotional about stuff like this.

i’m here to talk about all the fucking shit storms i brought. starting from good ol’ ellyrk, who turned into yuriirk and currently known as hyunark, as well as, rkxwoozi, aka jihoonrk, fucking namtaerk, eunwoork, minhyunrk, younghyunrk 1.0, junhoerk aka younghyunrk 2.0. i am about 100% sure i’m missing someone BUT YOU KNOW, we can let that muse stay in dungeon vile.

not even 10 minutes later

oh yeah- minhork was it? minhxrk??? idk what his url was, shortlived lovely muse i tell you. jisungrk was a thing for like 6 months. however, as you can see, i have a lot of muses, 11 in total, well 8 if you remove younghyun 1.0 & 2.0 and jihoon.

its been nearly five years since i joined rookies and ive made a lot of memories here. good, bad, amazing, mediocre. a lot of memories than pretty much just range. can you believe i’ve actually cried a few times about rookies related thing? yeah, me neither, but here we are hahaha. i will probably not edit this at all, so if you see spelling mistakes, or maybe something is repeated, just ignore it please, its from the heart.

this place really helped me develop my writing, vocabulary and definitely social skills. i might suck at threading and replying on time, but i have to say, all the muns here are amazing!!! i remember when i first joined, oh boy was i fucking terrified of the fact that i SUCKED at writing. i was so cautious about what i write and how i spoke and i think some of you could remember it haha. i’ve also managed to make some amazing friends throughout my stay here, all of them older than me, as well haha and i was babied so much i always found it funny, but very thankful because some of the life lectures i got where definitely needed.

however, i will take a few minutes to write about the last three standing; hyunark, jihoonrk and younhhyunrk

hyunark:

my first ever tumblr muse. my first rookies muse. my longest standing muse. she;s gone through a lot, and honestly, she will continue to do; i wasn’t all that good with her in the beginning, now i see a lot of gaps and weird stuff whenever i have to go read something to remind myself of events and so on. however, i really love her, and i’ve gotten a bit too attached to her haha. can you blame me tho? from ellyrk, to yuriirk, now hyunark, there have been alot of ups and downs but i am happy where she’s come. to being a potential walking scandal, to being in two survival shows, to being the first muse at rookies to not be offered a contract renewal, to another survival show, to a nova trainee after being cut short twice by hyunbin. she had gone through alot of character development and its shaped her a lot better than i ever could, for which i need to say my thanks to the mods of rookies for it, because without them, hyunark would probably be headed in a completely different direction haha. however, she still focuses on producing, writing lyrics and ever since she got into nova as a trainee, she’s focused on her dance as well because she doesn’t wanna be called an uncooked noodle anymore. her dream is to be a recognized producer and lyricist, and will fight for that title.

jihoonrk:

jihoork was previously known as rkxwoozi. i even used his original blog when i re-applied with him;; he lasted a bit under a year in all honesty the first time and i specifically remember that the reason for that was being signed under trc. it was a pretty unfortunate time for him to be signed, with all the scandals that happened and what not. i was a tad regretful that i dropped him to be honest, which is all the reason to why he was brought back. tbh, he didn’t change in that like 6 months gap he was away. he was the same moody gremlin everyone knew and loved. if you had asked me, a few years ago if i thought jihoon would debut, i’d laugh and say no fucking way, but here we are, when he is a member of convex and got to debut with his longets lasting friend, sehun and best friend seungcheol. so he is living the dream you know? even if he doesn’t show it, he is grateful and appreciates everything that’s happening around him and to him. his main goal right now is to be the variety ace of convex and is working slowly to achieve that goal.

yonghyunrk:

ahhh here we go;; my last muse who had to undergo something similar to jihoonrk;; i brought him in, because i had this idea of a metal head, who really just wanted fame and girl and guys. however, stuff happened, i couldn’t get him to have threads i wanted and so i dropped him. again, i pretty much reapplied a few months later with junhoerk which was basically younghyunrk 2.0 and eventually, i realized that the muse deserved its original fc and here we are again with younghyunrk. to be honest, i don’t even know how i managed to get him to go to mga4, but he went and caused chaos with chungha and we all know how much fun he actually had haha;; he still doesn’t like dance, and will probably not enjoy it until he gets signed and coach tells him he can’t dance and JUST out of spite, he will get better at it. ultimately, he wishes to debut on a band, he wouldn’t really mind if he gets placed at any instrument, as long as he gets to sing. he still wants to reach paradise city, as guns ‘n roses have said.

quick mentions to some of my other muses as well. its funny how all my other muses lasted for months as well;; honorary mentions will go to namtaerk, minhxrk and probably minhyunrk, i won’t be really talking about them, so focusing on eunwoork and jisungrk;

i can without a doubt say that these are my more interesting muses, or eunwoo at least. her dream was to become a musical actress and was a serial dater; she’d date a lot of people, girls and boys, and wouldn’t really bat an eyelash once it was all over. never really had long term relationships either. she was into photography and her photography instagram was more popular than her personal one and she didn’t mind haha.

jisungrk wanted to be a professional football player and he was never really interested in becoming an idol, which made him fun to play. however, he was a really young muse, i think i made him 16? yeah, i think he was 16 and after that i realized i can’t do young muses;; its just weird for me, i have no clue what middle school kids actually do haha, i remember i just slept and did nothing all day, didn’t even study whoops.

but yeah, these two muses were very short lived but fun and i think that one day, if rkforthmuse is allowed, i highly doubt it, i will bring back eunwoork because she deserved more attention than i ever gave her.

now i will do a few mentions, by a few i mean it will be a lot;; i’m sorry if i get sappy or anything;; please accept my love <33

ABBIE - @seungcheolrk & @rkwon & @rkgwen - sunshine, my lovely amazing sunshine;; thank you. thank you, thank you. its been nearly five years of friendship, can you imagine it? soon, in just two months, it will be half a decade and i am extremely grateful;; i can’t explain it and i know that even saying it on a daily basis to you, it won’t be enough;; its funny how we started talking through rksoo and ellyrk, and now here we are, four years later, rkjicheol being in the same company, debuting together, in the same group. in all honesty, i remember when i dropped jihoon and then picked him up after like, literally two months, and it was one of the best decisions i ever made. i always have fun talking to you, plotting and threading and i honestly wish i did it a lot more than i currently do, but you know, uni is kicking my ass hasljdhlas anyway;; thank you, sunshine, thank you a lot and for these almost five years i love you a lot 🍅🍅🍅

HUNNIE - @yutark & @rksunwoo & @rkseokwoo - where do i even start?? like, oh wow, there is A LOT;; i can definitely say, we started talking when i suggested jihoon as sunwoo’s first kiss and look where the are now? dating, for what? seven months, can you believe that? SEVEN!!! this is insane haha;; and look and where we are now, talking on a daily basis, and its very very nice;; i don’t know what i would do nowadays without you, so i’m really really thankful you deal with my sorry ass so much ahdsdsalla it started with jihoon and sunwoo, then it transitioned to younghyun and yuta, and most recently, its been yuta and hyuna and their lil game of cat and mouse;; its always fun plotting with you, threading, talking, everything really;; and i really hope it will continue to be this way;; i love you

LYN - @rkxsnn & @rkavery - hello there mum!!! impressed im starting with you? anyway, i have A LOT OF THANK YOUS TO TELL YOU, starting from dealing with me, to helping me get through college, to life advice, to all the skype calls we had, a lot of things in these past few years. even if we don’t talk as much and i know you have life kicking u in the ass, i wish we could change that soon;; i miss you a lot;; all of your muses are amazing and i absolutely adore them, as much as i do you!! hmu soon;; minsoo and elly were iconic, and he will forever be a huge part of her;; remember that mino and taehyun ship we had? good angst times lbr.

JEN - @yujurk - sup there mum number 2 even though i act older than you, you can’t even lie about that haha; you were one of the first people i started talking to in rookies, and still do on a weekly basis? daily? you get the point haha;; damn, i don’t think we ever argued as well, which is insane and you do give good advice and oh my god your muses are so funnnnnnnnnn bring all of themmmmmmmm innnnnnnnnnnnnn;; i’m so so happy that you came back to rookies after that hiatus;; really really happy;; jieun and hyuna are iconic partners in crime;; jihoon is grateful that jieun taught him how to sing;; hyuna thinks soyeon will forever haunt her, no doubt;; jkook is forever jihoon’s bunny you can fight him about it;; eunwoo says jkook never took her on a date, she’s upset about it haha

CLARA - @rkwendy & @rkjohnny - clara clara clara. you really love having me send the group chat into gay panic huh? i will forever continue to do it, do not worry. once a week sound good? hahah;; i wish we talked more than we do lately, but its always fun no matter what it is;; i also know for sure, you have my back and we can take over a country if we tried hard enough lbr;; i think we mainly stared talking when the brosquad/antisquad happened, which was pretty much when i joined rookies haha;; so again, nearly five years of friendship look at that!! we need to talk more and you need to tell me more baking recipes!! i think it was hyuna and wendy that we first got to interact and then wendy and jihoon and funny enough, i feel like jihoon and wendy are closer than hyuna and wendy haha;; then younghyun joined the picture to fully annoy wendy out of this word;; we need to thread more sobs;; lets make that happen yeah?

SHINOBI - @rkkangjoon & @rkgray- hello there shinobi. i think our meet up scenario was the same as with clarea, huh? brosquad/antisquad;; we should talk more, that’s a definite but i think that with hyuna&kangjoon we have gotten a lot closer than before and its really cute and nice and i love it qwq gray and hyuna need to release a hit song someday, we better make that happen yeah??? good!!

SACHA - @rkrose & @rkkyungri - i am super super duper ultra mega giga happy we got to talk a lot in the past few months, get to know each other and its very very nice;; i always have fun talking to you and i know i can lean on you if my day has been shitty, and i am sorry if i’ve had a lot of shitty days sadhljsajldnl ahhh, but yes, our muses will go through a lot and i’m really happy you enjoy it and i hope we can see them grow and develop!!

ANI - @rkchungha & @rksohee& @rkmiya - what am i actually gonna do without you, that’s a very very good question i was asking myself recently. its really weird we never really talked a lot until younghyun was brought into rookies, which was i think this year huh? funny, very weird, what life was i living without you in it?? hahaha, anyway, i’m really glad and happy having chungha and younghyun so close got us to be closer as well, even if i set you into rp panic with random questions and potential scenarios haha;; i’m glad you enjoy them;;; love you lots!!

CARLY - @taeminrk & @rkluna & @danielxrk - we don’t really talk much, but in reality, i actually don’t know where i’d be rn if i couldn’t come to you with stupid questions and inquiries;; i wish you all the best in every possible aspect of life and love seeing you on the dash;; ngl i am also extremely and forever sorry that you have to read through hyunark’s post from like three years ago, that;s some nasty writing right there yikes;; but thank you for taking rookies under your wing and just expanding it and making it better and better with the rest of the mod team;; keep up the good work!!

a very special thanks to all of the royal girls, @rkxnarong , @rkyena , @rkella , @rkcheri , @rksoohyun , @rklisa , @rkrose who made royal survival a blessing, her stay in royal amazing as well;; special thanks to all the royal boys, ex ones count as well, fight me @rkbyunbaek , @jaehyunrk , @kibumrk, @yienrk , @rkseonho, thank you for being a part of hyunark’s journey in royal fun and emotional lbr;; you guys managed to make royal fun for me as well, so thank you so so so much to every single one of you guys;;

a huge thank you for og trc roster that’s still here and dealt with jihoon;s sorry ass back then; a huge thank you for the kt roster that had to deal with jihoon as well, even if it was for a short amount of time;; a huge thank you for sphere, and convex members @seungcheolrk , @rkhyun , @rkjinwook , @kibumrk , @rkjinkis , @rktaeyxng , @tenrk , @rkxroyal , @rkohsehun , @yienrk , @rkromeo , @rkzyx, who will now have to deal with jihoon like it not, but i apologize on his behalf;; even if i don’t say it often, i am really really happy jihoon got to debut with your boys and i’m happy i get to interact with all of you so much;; thank you, thank you, thank you;;

thank you rookies, for such an amazing time!! i can only wish and hope for many more!!!

#;wordcount/2715 #rkfifth #[[ im an emotional ball of sap rn #[[ thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you

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undiagnosedautismfeels · 6 years

Text

Not A Feel / Questions

- sometimes i’ll get a word or multiple words stuck in my head and they’ll just go through my head over and over and i’ll spell them in my head and i feel like i’m gonna burst because they’re just so big and i have to say the word out loud really loud to get it to stop. i was wondering if this is something other autistic people experience?

Idk dude that could be echolalia or it could be a compulsion or something. I usually think in concepts so usually when this happens for me it’s song lyrics or something of the like.

- (1/2 Alex) hi, here's Alex. So I've been seeing various psychologists for 10 years since I was 6, because an almost complete lack of social skills, an apparent lack of empathy and frequent and often violent crisis and meltdowns. When I was 14, I found some papers about Asperger's among my mother's stuff, and it was me. Since then I'm researching. I am a trans man, but I never got accepted or recognized as a boy.

(1/2 Alex) when I was 18, I got my gender dysphoria diagnosis, and only then they seemed noticing my aq score of 43, and other signs and behaviours that I would now consider symptoms. They referred me to a psychiatrist, but for other reasons I had to stop. Ive been living on my own in a foreign country for almost 3 years now, and I finally make it to gain 2 friends, they are the only people I'm comfortable hugging, (sorry I'll need a part 3)

(3/2 Alex) and I'm really thankful to them for trying to teach me social rules with a lot of patience and without judging me. Still, although I learnt to cope with many issues, my awkwardness remains and my doubts with it. Is it possible that in 18 years no psychologist, no teacher, no family friend an not even my mother ( a kindergarten teacher who worked with Asperger's little boys) recognized that I have Asperger's, or is it just me mistaking in my search for an answer? Thank you very much...

It’s fully possible that they’ve all just missed it, especially with the ableism surrounding afab people being autistic & the fact that afab autistics tend to present differently due to differences in socialisation.

Social skills can be incredibly hard for some people to learn, and while learning to understand them is a good goal it’s important to accept that you may struggle with certain aspects for the rest of your life (which is not necessarily a bad thing). If you believe you’re autistic and that’s what fits all of your symptoms and experiences, I would recommend trying to find a psychologist who is willing to listen and take you seriously when you are able to do so.

- Do you have any sources or can you explain Executive dysfunction disorder? I’m confused about it and I need to email my teachers about it to see if they can give me a break because I just broke down 4 times in 1 hour because I’m trying to do projects but cant. I also wanted to know if thats what it is, Not being able to do work. I dont know how to explain it but it just I cant get anything done and I iust get called “ lazy”for it or people tell me that “im not trying”when Im trying 10x harder

Here you go:

[Additude]

[Healthline]

[NCBI]

Executive dysfunction is one of the primary reasons that I dropped out of high school. I was completely unable to focus throughout any of my classes, unable to motivate myself to do any of the work, and unable to actually process and learn the material I was given. It didn’t matter how much I tried to study, or how much I wanted to succeed; my brain wouldn’t allow me to.

#not a feel #mod dylan #echolalia #social skills #diagnosis #self doubt #invalidation #executive dysfunction

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heddo-pewpewpew-gudbye · 6 years

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Hey can you talk about what it is like for you to be a core 4 and an ENTP? Cuz core 4s are said to be so protective of their emotions forming the basis for their significant identity, setting them aside from others I want to know how NeTi works with a 4 core.

Oh cool, my first ask!

I honestly don’t know how to answer this, but I’ll do my best. I guess I’ll just try to explain who I am (?) in the abstract and hope that’s good enough.

I mean, I’ve always typed as a lot of different things MBTI wise, but I figured out ENTP based on how my life has worked out in the big picture: when I was a kid, I was a really energetic kid, but I was always playing in an imaginative way, and loved to immerse myself in different worlds. As I grew up I became a lot more logical and withdrawn, and was quite the nerd, especially in middle school. Around the end of high school to now (middle of college) I’m starting to become a lot more social and getting good at it, and I kind of get the whole “ExTP being manipulative” thing (and perhaps more importantly I had started consciously caring what people thought of me to an extent that was probably unhealthy. I was flooded with a deep necessity to care about other people’s feelings/what others thought of me and I just didn’t know how to deal with it). Even though I’m not doing it with malicious intent, I’m beginning to instinctively understand how to act to get people to like me. Another thing that makes sense for me being an ENTP is the way I loop Ne-Fe and I definitely grip Si, I become super withdrawn and just watch sitcoms until I pass out. Personality Hacker has a diagram about your different functions and how you should use them based on their position and it really helped me realize I need to start using Ti in social situations and only use Fe with people I’m comfortable with or if I’m already using Ne and and Ti in a healthy way.

I really think the best way to type yourself is to look at how you’ve developed in the long term over the years. @confusedinfj has a good post about how kids of different main functions act, and I really do think that your main function shows up when you’re a toddler. Something else I’ve noticed is that you tend to consciously focus on your next developing function. When I was developing into my Ti stage I was really focused on reading and learning as much as I could. When I started to develop my Fe later on, I really focused on figuring out how to socialize and where I fit into the world, and as much as I hate to admit it what I did that people liked and didn’t like, having good hygiene and getting a good body, etc. It’s weird, but it seems to me that when you’re in a certain stage you start developing the next function by consciously focusing on it and eventually it just becomes a part of you (this is all anecdotal of course, so I suppose some people may disagree).

Now as for your actual question, I’m not sure how being a 4 fits into all of this, so I guess I’ll just list the reasons I felt like it makes sense. First and foremost, when I took the keys2cognition test my Fi was off the charts, and I found this really weird:

Furthermore, when I read the type description for INFP both on his website and 16 personalities, it did ring true in a weird way. Now, I know most people will say you shouldn’t trust the tests and I 100% agree, so I’m really just saying this to show my journey of figuring out what I think is my being a type 4.

Secondly, I took the RHETI enneagram test from the Enneagram Institute and got a type 4 much higher than other options:

What was crazy about this one was how it explained the way I act with people I get too close to down to a tee: I have a REALLY bad habit of idealizing people, getting really close to them, and then when I’m around them too long little things about them start to annoy the bejeezus out of me and I start to avoid them (I know it’s really shitty and I’ve been working on it). Also, isolation is how this type gets away from their problems and it’s definitely what I do.

The last thing that sort of helps the idea along is that I did some career services evaluations to determine what field I should go into and one of the tests I took was the Clifton Strengths assessment. You have to pay for it but it’s actually extremely helpful, at least in my experience; it basically tells you what your top strengths are. My number 1 strength was individualization: basically I can look st myself and others and determine what their good at, what their bad at, their aspirations, worst fears, etc. and this makes me really good at team building and such. It explained why I love self-discovery and MBTI and all this personality stuff despite most ENTPs probably not really caring.

I would say some miscellaneous reasons that I think I’m a type 4 have to do with how I understand Enneagram to work with MBTI: I think MBTI is how a person operates, and Enneagram is what DRIVES them, or is the “why” behind the “how” of MBTI. For me, I definitely seem to operate in an ENTP way, and when it comes down to functions an how they work together they seem to make sense for me. Besides this though, other ENTP stuff is very unlike me. For instance, I’m always trying to define myself, and take pride in my own originality; maybe less so trying to be unique, but more so trying to figure out who I am and separate myself from the rest of the pack and be the greatest version of myself so to speak. Another good example is how I play video games. Other ENTPs seem to enjoy video games for letting themselves take on different personas and try different things, and I do this to an EXTENT. The reality though is that I’m trying to figure out who I am the whole time, and I want to do this in order to be able to discover and define myself. For instance, I love Skyrim, but if I ever create a character who does things like murder innocent people, steals, etc. I have to design the character as some other person; when I create a character as myself, I have to follow my own moral code (even though it’s a damn video game) or else I feel icky. Actually, to be completely honest, I feel this way even if it’s just because my character isn’t what I would imagine I would be like in that world. I always feel gross when I’m playing and maybe I’ll try to use a sword and shield for a while but the whole time I’m just like “this ISNT ME” and it bothers me a lot. Idk I guess it always comes back to wanting to really discover who I am and trying to define myself so that I can discover what makes me special and use it to live my best life. It’s just like I have this constant subconscious drive to figure out who I am and be myself like doing so can allow me to overcome any obstacle.

I hope this is what you wanted, I kinda just took what you said loosely and ranted. Feel free to ask more questions (also I hope I’m doing this right since it’s my first ask 🙃). I know there’s Enneagram/MBTI purists out there that say only certain MBTI types can fit into certain Enneagrams, and perhaps they’re right too. I’m still on what I guess you could call my “journey of self-discovery” and what’s more important to me than being right is getting it right, so I’d love to hear anyone’s two cents on the subject.

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thelifetimechannel · 6 years

Text

The Dave and Dirk log, for obvious reasons, was something I wanted to try very hard to get right. That meant although we drafted it together via msparp, as was our custom, I ended up overhauling it way more than any of our other combo walkaround logs. A few chunks did survive the transfer, though.

In other news, we’ve made a solemn pact to finish TLC over winter break, which is good because I’m running out of bonus content. Hopefully we’ll have some assets to show off soon. I’ve already seen a few; they’re very nice.

DIRK: Hey, dude. You did pretty well out there. DIRK: Didn't even die once. DAVE: twice in a day is my max im satisfied with keeping that record DAVE: even if getting machinegunned is rapidly becoming my "thing" DIRK: Seems we each have our respective "signature deaths". DIRK: Or at least it ain't a party until I get decapitated. That sure was something we needed to do again. DIRK: Just once, for old time's sake. DAVE: well that puts the nail in the meme coffin DAVE: any time you panic someones gonna tell you to keep your head on DAVE: like keeping your hair on except you know that shit aint going anywhere its probably shellaced DIRK: That shit is bolted to the floor. Did you know I walked around with a girly-ass pink tiara on my head this whole day and had no idea? DIRK: I had no idea. Couldn't feel a thing. DIRK: And people let me do that. DIRK: Can't fuckin' believe it. DAVE: oh DAVE: i figured you knew DIRK: I am less than pleased with my Skaia-ordained divine color scheme. DIRK: But I guess I have to live with it. It's part of the team aesthetic. DAVE: you could always change DIRK: Nah, with the tiara and tights ditched I have at least mitigated the enforced flamboyance. It's bearable. DIRK: I can't be the one dude out of uniform. Couldn't bear the shame. DAVE: my outfit is pretty sick ngl DAVE: sburb knows everyones secret desire is to have a cape DIRK: Unfortunately, mine isn't long enough to also make for a good tactical maneuver. DIRK: Not gonna lie, that was pretty funny. DAVE: if nothing else my attempts at combat can provide a source of humor in our lives DAVE: but honestly id be fine if my fighting days were over DAVE: i was never into it DAVE: rose on the other hand was obviously itching to beat people up DAVE: one of those 12 year olds who wants to get jumped in an alley to work out her suppressed anger DIRK: Maybe Skaia did make a few miscalculations in dumping your asses with your respective guardians. I think you'd get along well with Roxy and her cats, make her budget her time away from the alcohol. DIRK: ...in theory. DIRK: Rose can go a few rounds with me if she wants, we still need to sort out who has the rights to document our legendary journies. DAVE: ill plan your funeral DAVE: what kind of flowers do you want DIRK: ...there's different kinds? DAVE: damn thats right you grew up in waterworld DAVE: these choices matter DAVE: allegedly theres a thing called "flower language" DAVE: whether you can actually send someone a boquet telling them to meet you in the pit i dont know DIRK: Like, I get that, in theory, different kinds of flowers exist. But I fully anticipate any attempt on my part to conjugate in the language of said plants would end in my coffin declaring my hovercraft was indeed full of eels. DIRK: Maybe it'll have thorns on it. Or it'll be like the sixteen millions tons of green bullshit covering my land and making my nose itch. DAVE: probably DIRK: Worst case scenario, I'll pick out something orange and present to a prospective love interest and it'll mean something like "my brotherly passion for you knows no boundaries, and also no homo". DAVE: my bro wouldnt go for flower arranging DAVE: or pink tiaras DAVE: he was pretty uptight about the whole rah rah macho act DAVE: probably subscribed to alpha males weekly DAVE: which is weird considering DAVE: well DAVE: youre gay right DIRK: Uh. DIRK: Well. DIRK: My symbolic quest land is not covered in green bullshit, but I. DIRK: Happen to like watching birds, if you know what I mean. DIRK: Fuck, you probably don't know what that means. Jake and his goddamn thousand euphemisms. DAVE: cant say i do no DIRK: Nobody knows what it means but Jake. It's an old time epithet for being into dudes. DIRK: He knows all the old epithets, including some I suspect he made up. DAVE: so DAVE: thats a yes DAVE: in a roundabout way that includes birds DIRK: I've never denied it. DIRK: I'm just. DIRK: Not a huge fan of the word. Why, in this world post-society, do we need to confine ourselves to labels like "gay"? Such constraints were washed away from my world with the rest of the human race. DAVE: holy shit that was such a pretentious dodge DAVE: dont let rose hear you say that DIRK: Rose can hear all she likes. DAVE: but anyway DAVE: i wasnt asking to get up all in your business like SOME PEOPLE DAVE: who are so into getting into other peoples businesses theyre basically the fucking mafia or the irs DAVE: but DAVE: it explains some stuff DAVE: but on the other hand it doesnt DAVE: the way you raised me was kinda aggressively mainstream masculine enough that it wasnt something that ever seemed to come up as an option DAVE: [describe that type of culture and mindset better later, I KNOW what i mean but im tired rn lmao] DAVE: and anything outside of that id just brush off because it couldnt apply to me DAVE: and that went for pretty much everything that went against what you wanted for me DAVE: including that DIRK: And yet, here the man was, subconsciously shrieking his desire for floppy felt dong through, DIRK: What I guess you could call his art, for want of any other applicable word at all. God, the mental images are crawling up the insides of my skull like the Exorcist child, do I want to know? DAVE: probably not DAVE: guess trying to act peak male has its drawbacks DAVE: weirdly enough troll culture is obsessively hyperviolent but doesnt give a shit about sexuality DAVE: they dont see the difference most of the time i guess DAVE: and so like DAVE: maybe it rubs off on you because in some ways that kind of makes sense DAVE: but after so long its hard to know what i feel and what it means because i spent so long ignoring it DAVE: so i guess i was wondering DAVE: if you had anything that might help with that DAVE: or if youre also trapped in this whirling screaming maelstrom of bullshit DAVE: while kinsey sits in the eye of the storm laughing DIRK: Wait, wait, wait. DIRK: You're coming to me. DIRK: For advice. DIRK: Do you know what a laughable hurricane of disaster my interpersonal life has been? DIRK: Like, in a weird way, I'm kind of honored, especially since about five hours ago you were scared shitless to be around me, but. DIRK: I'm standing here and waving my credentials in the air just to display how I don't fucking have any. My degree is a sham and my hands are empty except for a crudely scribbled on piece of construction paper. DAVE: are you suggesting theres a gay university DAVE: where you study bird watching DIRK: Do I look like a man who's been to college? DAVE: fair DAVE: but like DAVE: your friends know DAVE: how did you broach the subject there DIRK: I might as well have been dating a Yoko Ono for the devastation it wreaked on our friend group, so yeah, it was a little hard to ignore. DIRK: Compounded by the fact some smartass from Gay University was using my social circle for romance geometry homework. DIRK: It wasn't even a love triangle so much as a love roundabout. DAVE: ok but thats just because you were a dipshit not a gay dipshit DAVE: they were chill about the first part right DIRK: Thanks. DIRK: I mean... Roxy always seemed disappointed. DAVE: luckily i dont think anyones waiting in line for me DAVE: i guess im blowing it out of proportion DAVE: i dont think anyone will MIND DAVE: no one did about rose and kanaya DAVE: didnt even question the vampire bit which goes to show what our lives are like these days DAVE: like ok our outfit has vampires now DAVE: thats a thing that we have DAVE: if i say oh hey i might be bisexual theyll just say sure pull up a chair at the acronym table DAVE: the only one who might be weird about it is john DAVE: but hed be just as weird if i told him id changed my favorite color hes just like that DAVE: the only person its really a big deal for is me DIRK: Jane was a little bit like that. I'm pretty sure the only reason she had to object was because she found out the day I made a move on her crush. DIRK: It might just be growing up in a household where you're not regularly fighting for your life, and thus what genders are kissing whom has the space to be higher on your priority list. DAVE: that aint anyones priority these days DAVE: im prepared to acknowledge the concept that hey maybe everyone elses lives dont revolve around me and my personal drama or self revelations might have some merit at least as a hypothesis DAVE: when i met kid english he kept going on about how i was the most important person and everyone else was side characters DAVE: and maybe ive acted like that sometimes DIRK: Yeah, like you alone are the one responsible for everyone around you. DAVE: and maybe ive acted like i think that way too sometimes DAVE: ive been wrong about people DAVE: people i care about people i shouldve known better DAVE: i was wrong because i wanted to believe things that matched how i wanted the world to be DAVE: things that made it easier for the story i was telling myself DAVE: i dont think kid english meant to call me on it but damn DIRK: Reality is, after all, something we construct for ourselves. DIRK: I think maybe I knew that all along when I surfaced for air inbetween shoving my head as far up my ass as it would go. DIRK: Or maybe that's just what I try to tell myself in hindsight. DAVE: well if it takes a hyperactive 12 year old version of the final bosss creepy hero worship of me to make a point i guess thats not the least subtle way the universe has sent me a message lately DIRK: You want unsubtle? Let me tell you about my damn planet quest. DAVE: haha DAVE: i didnt have to do much of my quest because im invisible DAVE: thanks mom DIRK: My denizen practically sat me down like it was my life coach and growled in my ear about improving my communication skills with a guy I told to go fuck himself not eighteen hours prior. DIRK: So while I'm glad SBURB has a vested interest in me repairing my friendships, playing electroshock death DDR with him was a little on the nose. DAVE: maybe getting shot again wasnt that bad DAVE: so weve all learned our life lessons good job team DIRK: Exactly. Can we wrap this up now? Can we please go rest? DIRK: I'm so exhausted I haven't even noticed I'm still hungover. DAVE: sure thing DAVE: but if i need tips on leaping out of a closet to intimidate passerby i might text you DIRK: I mean, I can try. As long as you don't ask me for dating tips. That, I definitely shouldn't be helping you with. DIRK: Go talk to your sister for that. DIRK: ...wouldn't she, by the transitive property of siblings, also be my sister? DAVE: yeah i guess DAVE: but theres no way in hell im asking rose for dating advice DAVE: on her first date which she refused to admit was romantically oriented she got wasted in anticipation forgot to show up and then fell down the stairs DIRK: Oh my god. DAVE: she tries to look like shes got her shit together but its a lie DAVE: if you find my corpse floating on lolar in the next few hours dont let the truth die with me DIRK: Why are we like this? DIRK: Is there actually something hardwired into our DNA that predisposes us to being disasters? DIRK: But, that aside. DIRK: I won't object if it's me you come to talk to. DAVE: ill hold you to it DAVE: and if you ever want to publicly you admit you DAVE: "enjoy birdwatching" DAVE: in less vague and evasive terms DAVE: ill have your back DIRK: Thanks.

#bonus content

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deadinsidedressage · 6 years

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Im very fascinated with your views on the "fat acceptance" movement. Ive seen you bring it up here and there over the years. Did you ever make a big post on it?

I’ve never like really made a post about it? I did at one point find a blog post from a heavier rider that dressagetoday or someone shared which I then added a critical commentary which is SOMEWHERE in my blog (where, who knows? what tags did I use, who knows? DID I EVEN USE TAGS???). Which I was at the time disappointed no one wanted to engage on. I can certainly share with you my thoughts though (which I will do below) and you can definitely hit me with the follow-up questions if anything isn’t clear or you want some elaboration or hell you want to start an internet fight:I’ll preface all of this with being perfectly candid about my own body, weight, and struggle both of those. I am currently overweight. I have lost about 25 pounds in the last few months and am on a trajectory to continue to lose weight until I reach something that is healthy, sustainable, and enables me to do all the stuff I want to do. I have been my “goal body” before, I have been a little heavy, and I have been fucking fat. Part of how I became “fucking fat” is related to my own deeply ingrained issues with my body and my weight (which I picked up from my mom!) leading to body dysmorphia— which as I explain to people: “I didn’t notice the weight gain because to me, I have always looked this heavy”. I also struggle with disordered eating, thankfully not a fully adopted eating disorder but still elements of restricting, binge eating, purging, and overall not at all having a healthy relationship with eating. I have been working on that! I have been doing a lot better too! So, blah blah in short on my own personal issues— I am fully and painfully aware of all the negatives that you face if you are even remotely “fat”. I am fully and painfully aware that my very unhealthy relationship with my body, with weight, and with eating probably is a great influencer on how I feel about the fat acceptance/body positive movement. I am fully and painfully aware of how a diet culture and an unhealthy emphasis on beauty standards can impact children for the rest of their life. I am fully and painfully aware that there is a great need for some sort of movement that focuses on body positivity and loving yourself. All that being said, I think the fat acceptance movement is in the same camp as radfems, TERFS, MRAs, militant atheism, militant veganism, PETA, and so on. Essentially, there was a good idea that got taken way too far. The idea that women (or men) shouldn’t be judge for their weight as it relates to their jobs or their social interactions is great and I am behind that. Yes, it’s ridiculous that overweight women are the least likely to be hired in a filed of job candidates because of assumptions about their laziness or tidiness. Yes, it’s ridiculous that overweight men are immediately rejected as potential love interests because people assume they must be unclean and unmotivated. Supporting a movement to stop those things? Good! Supporting the ideas that there’s zero effect on your health if you’re overweight and that if someone discounts you as a love interest because you weight an great deal more than that person means that person is the devil? Boo! Not good! I think body positivity is great. I think size inclusive fashion is great. What I don’t think is great is the encouragement to maintain very unhealthy weights because “you can be a fat goddess!”. The reality of it is, excess fat will impact your health to some degree (obviously depending on how overweight you are). Excess fat will also impact your ability to pursue hobbies (again, the degree to which is related to the degree of overweight). Excess fat can inhibit your ability to be successful in your job (again, depending on your specific weight and ALSO not related to desk jobs: i.e.— an overweight ER nurse is impeded by their weight because they are slower, an overweight preschool teacher can be impeded by their weight because it limits their ability to move around with kids; like clearly if there is any level of activity to your job and you are overweight you are likely impeded in SOME degree even if the level of impediment is only in how much pain or discomfort you are in when you go home). I just think it’s ballistic that there are people who will argue that being 400+ lbs isn’t related to their heart disease or their diabetes or their need for knee replacements— but that’s what this movement has created. It’s created a bunch of health deniers who choose to believe that the only negative impact of their weight comes from how people perceive them— which they in turn have done a great job of turning any form of unpleasant or less than ideal interaction with someone as an example of “fatphobia” or fat discrimination. My other main issue with the fat activism is the amount of entitlement it breeds. Men and women suddenly think they are entitled to being found attractive by someone and that if that person is not attracted to them it is FATPHOBIC! Of course a lot of these people also would deny any potential partner who is fat— because even though they love their body and their is nothing wrong with their weight, they’re still only attracted to fit guys BUT if those fit guys aren’t attracted to them it is because they are EVIL. Which, as someone who is getting married to the person I’ve been with for 7 years… if you whittle down relationships to just the aesthetic or the physical then you are too emotionally stunted to be in a healthy relationship. Plus, if you are incapable of realizing the degree to which mutual physical attraction IS a real part of relationships then you’re a fucking idiot. You simply cannot demand everyone find you attractive regardless of how you look— that’s just not how humans work. And I’m not saying fat people are automatically hideous, I’m saying “Some people want to fuck Brad Pitt and vomit at James Corden but some people want to fuck James Corden and vomit at Brad Pitt AND EVEN THEN some people vomit at both & some people want to fuck both.” There’s a lot of fake self-acceptance that goes on in that movement because if you do not love yourself enough to stop throwing yourself at people who are not interested in you then you are NOT accepting of your size. These people want to find love in spite of their size, not just find love— and that’s the fucking issue. When you paint your whole emotional identity around the thing that makes you feel less than, then you are not capable of honestly having healthy human interactions. Here’s a little fun anecdote for you to ponder as to what I mean about how these people act in very self-deceptive way and in a very scape-goat-everyone-else-for-your-own-unhappiness way: All of my bridesmaids are tall Amazonian goddesses (they’re all still shaped differently and they all have their own insecurities because they’re humans). My maid of honor though, is not. She is shorter than I am and heavier than I am by a good deal. Because I do not want anyone to feel like they don’t look good or whatever, I am trying to be as on top of making sure everyone feels as comfortable as possible (while still adhering to the aesthetic of my wedding). This means late night stress induced googling of “one of my bridesmaids is plus sized??” hoping to get some insights from other brides about how the fuck you manage that person’s feelings without it becoming a Thing. This has lead to the bemused reading of some absolute fucking horror stories including: a bridesmaid telling the bride that the bride is only losing weight to make her look bad, a bridesmaid purchasing a dress behind the bride’s back after the bride painstakingly found a designer that would make above 5X and would be flattering only to have the bridesmaid call the bride selfish for not letting her wear what she wants, OH AND— A BUNCH OF FUCKING ARTICLES FROM “FAT POSITIVE” WOMEN LAMENTING HOW MUCH OF A BITCH THEIR FRIEND WHO THEY WERE A BRIDESMAID FOR WAS FOR “MAKING THEM LOOK BAD” BY BEING A THIN BRIDE OR HAVING A LOT OF THE WEDDING PARTY BE “THIN” OR FOR GETTING ROBES AS GIFTS BUT APPARENTLY THE 3X ROBE DOESN’T FIT. All kinds of fucking garbage in which people who are very unhappy with themselves adopt such a defensive form of selfishness that they care more about how bad they feel than being supportive friends. Now, I am taking these all in and trying to do what I can to not have my MOH feel shitty. She’s also not a psychopath so I should be fine. But the point is— substituting a militant “anti-fitness” attitude for the crushing unhappiness you feel over your body doesn’t solve any issues. It just masks problems and enables you to continue to engage in unhealthy thought and action.

#baroqueesque #tw weight #cw weight #I'm being nice by adding these trigger tags but I know someone is going to get real riled up

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