#so. you know. probably an ongoing trauma response from that

[queerlycarter]

my brother and his fiancee and my mom have all offered to help me unpack and im like

i would love some help. however i dont want them to see my things.... dont look at my stuff

[lastwave]

Harry Du Bois, the skills + DID/OSDD coding

a compilation of most of my thoughts on harry as a system (note: i am system im not just like. pulling stuff out my ass)

1. Structural Dissociation Theory crash course

so for this point i'm going to give you a crash course structural dissociation theory (do not use me as a source for ur knowledge on it this is very like. base level and just to establish context)

structural dissociation states that we all start as multiple different facets, and that as we grow up, these facets all fuse into a cohesive personality. however, in DID/OSDD, ongoing trauma proves it safer to NOT fuse these facets and instead develop dissociative and amnestic barriers between them to varying degrees. these facets cope by developing into individual personalities, and if traumatic events persist, the brain may split more personalities to try and cope with this. this gives us two bits of information that i'm going to use throughout this

1. there is no "original", just alters that host for long periods of time and/or identify with the body the most

2. amnestic & dissociative barriers are fluid. in times of rest, these barriers may start to come down between some alters, but not necessarily all.

**NOTE: these are not hard and fast rules and vary from system to system. it's also vastly different if you have Polyfrag DID or Complex DID. since I don't hc Harry as polyfrag or complex tho, i'm not gonna get into that

2. Harry (the system)

so it's pretty easy to establish that harry has a good handful of childhood trauma. being born in a military hospital + town and growing up there means he probably saw and/or heard a lot of death and sickness. we also know his father left based on the logic passive in the measurehead conversation

we also know from the reaction speed passive when you find out your name that harry was born in a time all these were concerns. most likely, hunger, considering how through the game hunger + eating is an undertone w/ harry

we also have the klaasje half-light passive implying that harry's been raped (might not have occurred during childhood, but still a contributing factor to trauma)

my point being bro has enough childhood trauma and then some to create a system.

we also see a LOT of amnestic barriers between harry and the rest of the skills. besides the obvious not remembering anything, we see the skills remembering things that harry doesn't.

for example, EChem remembers that harry took speed some point recently, while harry himself doesn't

we also see that the skills have distinct personalities and opinions separate from each other. shit we've got a communist (rhetoric) and a fascist (endurance) living in the same fucking body. half light is immediately suspicious of everyone and everything while empathy tries to understand everyone even to their own detriment. and volition and echem need a whole post of their own. thats some pretty strong dissociative barriers

3. Harry (the alter)

to be quite honest with you i think harry as we, the audience, know him is a brand new split, an introject* of an old host that has either fused with another alter or gone dormant. he's trying to fill a different harry du bois's shoes- someone he is fundamentally similar to, but is, at his core, not

*Definition from did-research.org: Introjects are alters that are based off of an outside person or figure. Introjects may or may not see themselves as the individual that they represent.

knowing nothing about yourself, even what you look like, is a common feeling for new splits (in our experience). with the high amnestic barriers separating harry from the rest of the system, it makes sense that the first time he is conscious he is totally lost about his own identity, where he lives, or what his occupation even is.

losing facts about basic reality is probably a dissociative response. things the brain knows (see encyclopedia filling in gaps once given a prompt about something like Fillipe the Conquerer) but doesn't want the new host to know for fear of not being able to function.

4. Certain Alters with Functions

some of the skills fall into alter "archetypes" (not all alters will, even in like. real life systems) and im just gonna list them out here:

ones with subtextual backing:

Volition: Caretaker + Apparent Normal Part

Half-Light: trauma holder

Electro-Chemistry: symptom + trauma holder

Authority: protector

Logic: apparent normal part

ones that are just my headcanons:

Interfacing: little

Endurance: ex-persecutor

Inland Empire: ex-caretaker

here ends my post of articulate thoughts, if u have any like. follow up questions feel free to shoot me an ask. might take me a minute tho

[call-sign-shark]

I know this has probably already been asked, but I'm méchante and need to make sure 😈. What happened between Heaven and Amos for her to want to murder whoever mentions his name in her presence 😳??

That question has been sitting in my draft for too long, but now that everyone knows about Amos I felt like it was the good moment to answer that. My apologies for keeping you waiting. 🖤

Since the very beginning of HYE there are tiny and hidden references to Amos. While Heaven is pretty much indifferent to people, his name makes her lose it instantly. And yet, she never talked about him. Ever. Even Arthur doesn’t now much except that she had a fiancé and that he used to gift her roses, hence the fact she hates these flowers. So, what happened?

Amos and Heaven have a complicated story. He fell for her instantly and gained her trust slowly. He took care of her the moment she needed the most, that is when she turned 17 and that all the trauma of losing her family jumped back to her face after years of burying it. She was lost, enraged and out of control. When she started to let him in, Amos did EVERYTHING for her. He literally saved her from herself. However, he was often blinded by his ambitions (just like Tommy) and, possessive as he was, he grew too controlling to her liking. Now that you have the full context, here are the three reasons behind her hatred:

1) She feels like he’s responsible for the monster she became. He was the one who helped her discover that she could hurt as much as heal. With her hands and her powers. He turned her into his pet murderer and always fed/encouraged her killer side. If Amos wanted someone wiped from the surface of Earth, he would send Heaven. Also, he was the one with who she crafted her abilities to manipulate. If you ask her, she would tell you that he corrupted her soul and turned her more of a monster that she already was. Encouraged her psychopathic nature. Somehow, Heaven thinks that maybe her eyes wouldn’t look so dead hadn’t she met him. (Let’s be honest, she was a monster before but he did make her worse)

2) He tried to assault her the day of their wedding when she said she wasn’t sure she wanted to marry him.

3) And finally… She hates him for making her fall hard. So hard that she cannot stand how weak she still feels when she thinks about him. So hard that the simple memories of his onyx eyes, sickly sweet smile and divine touch make her sick in the stomach. So hard that she often sees his little quirks in herself. He’s corrupting her, haunting her. He’s an infection. An open wound that would never heal. Yes, she hates him because she hates herself for still loving him and knowing that a huge part of her would desperately love and need him forever.

Tagging those who knows best about him: @justrainandcoffee @zablife @mischievouslittlecreature @peakyswritings @darklydeliciousdesires @evita-shelby

Heaven is Reader in the Arthur Shelby x Reader ongoing series Heaven in Your Eyes.

[thelonelysoulhome]

Yashiro's hypersexuality and trauma response.

(part 1)

I wanted to write my thoughts about saezuru for so long so I'm finally gathering the time and the courage to . I will try my best to be clear but sorry if it end up to be just me rubling all my thoughts lol.

I wanted to start by saying that saezuru is my favorite manga work by far because of how real and profound the trauma is depicted in it, Yoneda sensei is not just writing a story, she write true emotions that go deeper than the surface, and how trauma in the childhood can change and chape someone's life...(I could go on and on and on but i'll stop here).

This post will be focused on the psychological point of view cause I feel like it's important to be aware of this side to better understand Yashiro behaviors and way of thinking.

(That would probably be long so I will seperated it in different part/post).

Yashiro's sa from childhood trough puberty:

The experience of child sexual abuse can change the way children and young people understand their world, the people in it and where they belong. Their understanding of themselves and the world can become distorted, and create mistrust, fear, and betrayal.

(That why Y is an unreliable narrator, that mean we can't trust what he saying about himself or the things he lived.)

Depending on the relationship and duration of the sexual harm, subsequent relational trauma could affect their ability to connect with others and themselves. Their personality and behaviours might change markedly from what they were prior to the sexual abuse.

Literaly sa in childhood affect deeply and break normal brain development, knowing that the brain fully finish It's development around 25 years old.

Yashiro been raped by his step father for approximately two years starting from the age of ten, the longer the duration of abuse is associated with a greater impact on the child’s identity and the use of force or threat of force are associated with greater harm.

We know that his step dad that raped him violently and repeatedly for this period of time brainwashed Yashiro to think that he liked feeling pain, telling a literal child that dosen't even understand what's going on, that if he feel pain than he would get pregnant and if his mom find out she gonna be mad and abandon him.

It's important to point out that he was so young and clueless that he didn't even understand that it's imposible, but in the mind of a child, if an adult say something then it has to be true.

The manipulative nature of grooming that many sexual offenders use to get close to their victims can cause ongoing thought distortions, self-identity issues, relational harm and isolation of the child.

How horifying and disturbing to hear that for a child ? How much those words shaped the way of thinking and logic of the current Y ? How much of an impact those fucked words disturbed his way of thinking and helped him shape his facade that he lived with for 40 years ?

It's also importent to point out that Y been raped constantly trough puberty, when little child are raped there bodys dosen't react and the only things that they can feel is pain and distress ( things that Y felt at first), but when the body start to change trough puberty the body start to react on his own . A lot of rape victim that had an orgasm during their assault blame themself and feel guilty thinking like " I enjoyed it so I wanted it in a way". Stimuling a grown up person's genital conduct to orgasm, even if it's non consented, it's a mecanical response from the body that never mean that your enjoying or wanting what's hapening(no one was here to explain this to our poor Y).

Now imagine going trough violent and painfull rape while your body is changing and transforming, before you felt pain but now you feel pain but also a kind of "pleasure", imagine how disturbing and confusing it would be in the brain of a young teenager, without mentioning the very plausible conditioning forced by his step dad presumed words "you see you like it" the very famous "but your body says otherwise" that ensure Y in this fucked up way of thinking.

All of this play a huge place to how Y finish by thinking (in his brain that stopped functioning properly) that he enjoy the pain. If he enjoy the pain he would not get pregnant, his mom would not be mad and if he accept the pain than what's happening to him is not that bad anymore, if he make it part of his identity than it's not a trauma anymore it's not that big of a deal and that how he survived.

Yashiro spiraling in self destruction:

Adult survivors of childhood sexual abuse may experience sexual disturbance or dysfunction, depression and anxiety. Anxiety, fear and suicidal ideas and behaviour are more likely in instances where the perpetrator used force and threat of force. The age of onset of the abuse, duration and outcome is characteristic of higher trauma symptom levels. The longer the duration of abuse is associated with a greater impact on the child’s identity, and increased survival mechanisms and the use of force or threat of force are associated with greater harm.

Let's list some potential long-term effects of child sexual abuse:

Suicidal ideation: Y ✔ (Y is a passive suicidal he's not attached to death like he's not attached to life)

Post-traumatic stress: Y ✔

Sexual difficulties: Y ✔

Alcohol and substance misuse: Y ✔(cigarette for Y)

Inability to form healthy lasting relationships: Y ✔(this one is very important)

The development of violent behaviour: Y ✔

The development of criminal behaviour: Y ✔

Around the time where Y meet kage he did not see his step dad for 3 years and his mom for 1 (he's around 15 at the time) he is already depressed and fucked up, his all alone and his suffering severe self identity issues, spiraling in self loathing and self destruction by seeking very violent sex as a way to cope with the trauma that never been adressed.

I'll cut here cause it's getting to long see you in part 2.

[shy-urban-hobbit]

Modern Au kid fic! Platonic Aiden and Lambert (Aiden and Lambert are both 14. Geralt and Eskel are early twenties).

CW for eye trauma and injury description.

"C'mon, everyone knows you're like a god damned guard dog when it comes to your boys." Guxart pleaded.

"And you're hoping I'll extend that to your boy?"

"Pretty much, yeah."

Vesemir ran his free hand over his face as he listened to the man on the other end of the line. He knew what he was getting into when he became a foster parent almost twenty years ago. However, he hadn't had any requests like this since taking Lambert in a decade ago and Guxart's kids were a whole different matter. It wasn't his fault the Dyn Marv Group Home had essentially been a sinking ship when he took it over. He was doing his best to turn things around but it was a slow process and there was no denying a good portion of the kids needed support which not many people were equipped to provide as a result of his predecessors management style, whilst a good number of the remaining kids had priors.

"Look, real talk." Guxart suddenly sounded exhausted, "He's my responsibility and for obvious reasons he can't stay here. Right now he's in a bad way, physically and mentally. I need to put him with someone I can trust won't take advantage of that. I need to know he's in safe hands. Please, Ves."

Vesemir sighed. He really hoped he wasn't going to regret this, "When can we expect him?"

"Any idea what this is about?" Eskel asked as he slouched on the old sagging couch.

Geralt shrugged and gave a grunt as he replied to a text (probably Yen), "Group text. I got the same information you did."

"Ass." Eskel gave his brother a playful swat.

"Alright you two." Vesemir emerged from the kitchen carrying three sodas, "I'll fill Lambert in when he gets back from school, but there's some details I'd rather he not know right away."

"Sounds serious." Eskel said, both he and Geralt leaning forwards in their seats to show they were listening.

Vesemir nodded, "Guxart called me. We've got an emergency placement arriving in a couple of hours straight from hospital, lad around Lambert's age."

His adopted sons wrinkled their noses, Vesemir cut them off before they could say anything, "I know you have past issues with the Dyn Marv kids. But Guxart assured me the worst Aiden's ever been slapped with is weekend detention."

Eskel perked up, "Aiden? Lambert's Aiden? Fuck, I gave him so much shit about him being imaginary."

Vesemir shrugged, "It's possible. It's not an uncommon name though."

"So why was he in hospital and why is he coming here?" Geralt asked

"He got attacked by a group of older kids. Naturally, for his own safety he can't go back to the group home while the investigation is ongoing and Guxart didn't want to ship him across State with fresh trauma."

"For how long?"

"Depends how long the authorities take. All I know is that the ringleaders are going to be up on assault charges. Possibly even attempted murder."

"Attempted - what the fuck did they do to him?"

"I didn't want to ask over the phone, his social worker will fill us in on everything when he arrives. That being said, you two know the drill for new arrivals. Geralt, you go do a junk food run and grab some essentials while you're at it, I've got no idea what he's going to be bringing with him so just the basics for now. Eskel, give me a hand getting the spare room ready."

Lambert kicked an empty can into the gutter, scowling down at his shoes. Another day of bullshit taunts and teasing and still no word from Aiden after almost a month. He wasn't dumb, he knew Aiden would have a reason and he knew what the deal was for care kids. He'd probably been moved to a different home or something with no warning and no choice, it happened. Still, Lambert thought his friend would have at least replied one of his emails or something to let him know (Aiden didn't have a phone. He said it was more hassle than it was worth trying to prevent it from getting stolen), not just act like he didn't exist anymore. Long distance friends were a thing, right? Lambert kicked another can. Fuck it, he was done. If Aiden wanted to ghost him then two could play at that game. Fuck friends and fuck him.

"Home." He called out, nudging the door closed with his foot.

"Stop kicking the door and get in here." Vesemir called from the living room, "I need to talk to you about something."

"Fucks sake, I haven't even done anything." Lambert groaned "I've literally just walked through the door."

"I know you haven't. Stop bitching and sit down."

Lambert slumped into the room, taking in the spread of pizza, burgers, hotdogs and cake on the coffee table. That could only mean one thing, "Who's the new guy?"

"That's what I want to talk to you about, but I need you to promise you'll keep a cool head first. Ok."

Lambert shrugged.

"He got here about half an hour ago straight from the hospital. He's pretty beat up."

"Sucks for him. He got a name?"

"Aiden. About your age."

Lambert shot to his feet, "About this tall, dark hair?"

"Yes. But before you - Lambert !"

Lambert didn't hear as he charged up the stairs and down the hallway to the usually empty spare bedroom and immediately started pounding on the door, "Aiden?! "

The door cracked open and Lambert couldn't hide a wince. Vesemir wasn't kidding when he'd said Aiden was pretty beat up. The skin of his arms which wasn't covered by his t-shirt and bandages was covered in bruises. He had the fading evidence of a black eye whilst the other was covered by a patch of surgical gauze, a fresh, bright red scar poking out of the top and disappearing into his hairline. He smiled at Lambert awkwardly, "Hi."

Lambert threw his arms around him in a hug before remembering he was supposed to be mad and turning it into a light shove, "You dick! Why didn't you tell me you were in hospital?"

"I would have if I could but I was in an induced coma for two weeks and it's not like the hospital had a computer lab."

"Wait, you were in a coma."

"To give the internal shit a chance to heal. I'm all good now though. Well-" he pointed to his gauze covered eye, "Mostly."

"What happened anyway?" Lambert asked, moving into the room to sit on the bed.

"Jad and his gang jumped me. This happened when Vi decided to get a flick knife involved." Aiden moved to sit next to him, eyes on the floor and fists clenched. "They couldn't save my eye."

Lambert had never heard his friend sound so small, "Shit, Aiden."

They sat in awkward silence, Lambert not really knowing what to say after that. Luckily they were both saved by a shout of, "Boys, everything ok? If you want food I'd get down here before Geralt eats it all!"

Lambert grinned at his friend, "Hot dog eating contest?"

"You're on!"

[polyhexian]

Thinking about the emotional rollercoaster that is Hunter and Jasper's newfound developing relationship after Jasper's no longer dying of infection and everything's come to light. Hunter now knows the truth, but can he HANDLE the truth? He was already having, like, seven ongoing crises, and now he has THIS on top of them. He's just learned about a dozen new things he gets to be angry over!

Your approach to writing Hunter's trauma recovery has always been very raw. I like a good saccharine hurt/comfort fic as much as the next person, but I really appreciate the raw approach, too. Recovery isn't perfect, it can be ugly and uncomfortable and painful, and you've never shied away from that. So I'm thinking of a still-reeling-from-Hollow-Mind Hunter, freshly dumped in another dimension with his weirdo stalker who turns out to be the father he'd just gotten used to thinking never existed, and I'm looking over at Agony!Hunter and Lament!Hunter for comparison and wincing.

I commented on another post about how I feel like Hunter would WILDLY vacillate between "you should've just kidnapped me by force!" and "yeah I was definitely super brainwashed and would've run back to tell Belos everything first chance I got" for the first…however long it takes for him to come to terms with this. But I can also see him lashing out at Jasper, like, here's some of the awful things Belos did to me, I hope that telling you about them makes you hurt because I feel like you abandoned me and I'm angry. But then that eventually goes in the complete opposite direction, like, I'm not going to tell you about what horrible memory gave me nightmares tonight even though I'd feel better if I did, because I know you love me and you were trying your best and you've been hurting every day for 16 years while you tried to get me back, and I don't want to hurt you more.

Jasper just…trying to get his kid to talk to him if he needs to. Probably at some point when Hunter's clammed up Jasper has to open up a bit himself like, look, nothing you could say is going to surprise me, that man gave me more opportunities to look at my insides than I want to remember; I'll be angry and sad about what you went through, but I've spent 16 years thinking about what he might have been doing to you and trust me, nothing you say is going to send me into a horrified shock response. Maybe he's reluctant to talk about his own experiences much because 1) Remembering sucks, and 2) He doesn't want Hunter thinking he's trying to upstage his pain, but like…they have adjacent trauma from the same abuser, they're gonna understand each other on a wavelength most other people won't get.

I do feel at the very least though Jasper would nip whatever personhood-related crisis Hunter might be having in the bud. Nope, nope, none of that; it took me 12 years to figure out I was a real person with feelings, and I didn't bargain with Belos to convince him to allow you the privilege of thinking you're a person just for you to start questioning it because you found out you're part vegetable. You've got 16 years experience of believing you're a person, that's a fantastic foundation that you should NOT take a sledgehammer to. Are we real people? We damn well BETTER be after all the work I put into figuring out emotions! Maybe this is like, the one thing Jasper really puts his foot down on. He's fine if Hunter's angry at him or if Hunter never forgives him or whatever, but he absolutely draws the line at Hunter thinking he might not be a real person.

Probably doesn't help that the whole situation is likely compounded by Hunter's guilt that oh, all his friends had to leave their family behind and are super worried about them, and he just GOT his dad back but he can't even be grateful about it?? What kind of horrible person is he??

And later on, when they've progressed past the worst of the anger, and Hunter has realized that yeah, he really does want a relationship with his dad. Then his issues of self-worth and believing love is conditional come into play.

I'm imagining some point where they're having a quiet conversation, maybe on the couch late at night. Maybe it started with Hunter asking why - why did you even care, why were you so willing to die for me when you barely knew me for two minutes. And Jasper is like I don't know, I just did, but that's not good enough for Hunter so he keeps talking. He talks about growing Hunter, all the work he put in and the attention to detail, about how excited he was, how he'd quietly talk to the planter box and spill out what he was only starting to realize were real feelings, about how he'd put his finger in Hunter's little palm and feel his heart stutter when his hand closed around it.

And Hunter listens to all of this in silence, watches Jasper smiling at the memories while he speaks, and he starts thinking about himself. About how he's never been able to maintain Belos's approval, how he's never been able to impress the coven heads, how he's just a half-a-witch who's never been anywhere near as powerful as Jasper is, how he's never been able to beat the Martlet in combat, how he's got so many punishment scars, how he's been such an awful, ungrateful brat these last few weeks to this man who loves him so much; love is conditional and Hunter has done nothing to earn Jasper's love and he probably needs to figure out how to fix that before he loses what seems to be a good thing, except his failures are many and his debt to Jasper is enormous and there is absolutely no way he will ever be able to impress or repay this man.

Jasper is still smiling into the middle distance as he says something about how badly he wanted to meet Hunter and how curious he was about what kind of person he'd be when he emerged.

Hunter feels a rock sink in his stomach, and very quietly says, "Sorry for the disappointment."

And Jasper blinks and looks down at Hunter, pure confusion on his face, and asks, "Why would I be disappointed?"

ahhHHHH

jasper completely blindsided by this. he doesn't have the proper experience with hunter's self worth issues yet to expect stuff like this, its just fully like. what?? disappointed??? when did i say that?? did i make it sound like that??? shit im doing a really bad job at this i guess. but also like. disappointed?? how could i ever be disappointed? you're alive! you have friends! I'm so happy! this is everything i ever wanted! and hunter is like no, i mean, disappointed by me and what i turned out like, i'm not nearly as brave or loyal as you, im a coward. and jasper is just floored. like ???? no! you are so smart and creative and kind and you are brave! what are you talking about??? you're a great kid! cue hunter bursting into tears

[punkshort]

Can I chime in on Roommates discourse? I'm going to because I love that story and I have thoughts. I was cheated on by my partner of 12 years who I'd known since I was a teenager, a couple years ago . I usually skip one shots with infidelity but if it comes up in a series, I can handle it depending on context, I guess? STR is a good example because that's totally fine with me and I'd say a technicality. Not in a masochistic way (maybe a little), but I loved how Roommates reader shuts down after she gets caught, kind of sorta distances herself from everyone while she takes it upon herself to figure her shit out and go to therapy. I thought a lot about that part of the story. TW personal trauma dump, but I only found out I was being cheated on when I mistakenly found out my partner got an STI test. What ensued is a long story but he was negative for what he thought he had and idk if he was only going to tell me what was going on if it turned out he had caught something he'd have to tell me about. I knew something was off but found out later from a mutual friend he was going crazy in the period he was waiting for results, before I unintentionally found out. In texts between him and that mutual friend, he was spiraling throughout the week and inconsolable (easier to put it that way now, at the time it was hard to care obviously and I thought it was entirely self-preservation on his part). I will never actually know if those spirals were mostly because he knew how I'd react and everything was about to be fucked up, or if he genuinely felt all the remorse he expressed and sadness that he had hurt me badly. Probably both but I do now feel like how you handle cheating is really important, too. Especially if the relationship is fully over and nobody but yourself is forcing you to reflect upon what you did. We were having ongoing issues and it was clear he regretted what he'd done, but I couldn't know if he was experiencing that remorse (like your reader does) and if he was going to come clean and figure out why he chose to cheat, OR if that was coming from a place of him just desperately hoping the result was negative so he could move on and not tell me and not lose everything. He was at least honest he wasn't sure what he was going to do while he was panicked waiting for the results. My sob story aside because infidelity is unfortunately not exactly uncommon, ALL of that is to say I was actually incredibly cathartic reading someone who fucked up and who was fucking ruined by it. Like, she was very fucked up over it and Sam didn't take her back so it was entirely on her to take it upon herself and be like "okay, let me figure out what led me to make this massive mistake." I also agree with what was said about empathy in these contexts. Someone who cheats is going to have people in their life and circle who are going to extend the grace of forgiveness which even I can admit is not bad because people unfortunately are complicated and are not necessarily motivated by cruelty, just carelessness and selfishness sometimes. Which can feel cruel. But empathy has its limits when you have to preserve yourself from the damage someone has done to your life, so I also appreciate Sam's response. It's so clear your stories are incredibly well thought out and I appreciate that a lot. <3

This is beautifully said, thank you so much for sharing your thoughts!

I am so sorry you went through all that with your ex. A big part of me thinks (hopes) whatever led him to get tested was a big wake up call for him and that's why he was spiraling. It sounds like you mostly got closure and at least he came clean, didn't try to gaslight you, etc. It's kind of fascinating you found out accidentally, though. I'm not one to believe in fate, necessarily, but damn if it doesn't sound like it. Because you're right: would he have ever told you if it was clean? Who knows? I'd like to think he would, but people, as we've discussed, make selfish and stupid choices all the time.

I'm glad you found some comfort in this fic, even though it potentially could have been triggering for you. I like to imagine reader and Joel were in this bubble during their affair and when they got caught, that bubble popped and suddenly they were both faced with reality. There's so much shame that goes with that, especially having it go down in front of your friends like it did with them. And you nailed it - reader was like, "what the hell is wrong with me? Why did I hurt him? Why can't I just make a decision?" So she did some self reflection and healed whatever insecurities she had so she could enter a relationship with Joel without any dark clouds hanging over her.

And I love this part the most because it sums it up perfectly: people are complicated. I really can't think of a better way to summarize that story arc better.

[patchiko]

🌻 anon has re-entered the building 😌

I loved your whole post on Jason with a Doberman 🥺 . Personally I always sawJason Todd (not specifically AK) with a Pitbull (totally projecting haha 😂 [courtesy of my labrabull]) but after everything you’ve said about Dobermans… oh yeah… AKJason + Dober = 🫶 it’s a match made in heaven! I’m convinced 💯 (also your relationship with your dog really resonated with me and my own 😄 dogs are so amazing 😭)

Noooooow…. I recentley read your “AK jay getting head first time” post (¬ ͜ ¬) … fantastic ❤️ not gunna lie I want this man moanin 👏 gruntin 👏 cursin 👏 I want him making all kinds of needy whiny noises. Makes me wonder what it takes to make him rip the bed sheets and crack the headboard? 👁️ 👁️ (even if it’s a rarity 😭)

(I will say that’s its so sad seeing how hard it is for Jason to put down any of his barriers to even allow himself such pleasures 😞 it’s a long long long road of recovery for Jason. You are so right in saying that it’s probably really hard for him to relinquish any control or to give himself these pleasures. I don’t know much about trauma so I don’t know what or how long the road to recovery is…. But I don’t see AK Jason showing substantial healing until his 30s or maybe even 40s)

Anyway sorry for the long response. You have such a good grasp on AK Jason and it’s such good content 😭

HSHSHSHS THANK YOU 🌻 ANON. Dw about a “long response” i love every word of it!! —AND HSISHSJS LITERALLY JUMPS UP AND DOWN ‘You have such a good grasp on Ak Jason and its such good content.” STOP ANON IM GONNA EXPLODE THANK YOU. MY AUTISM IS SCREAMJGN DHEISH

AK JAY WOULD TOTES EITHER HAVE A DOBES OR A PITBULL!! My families got a pit, shes the sweetest damn thing. I could totally see him having one, their personality just links up soo goood. Him coming home to a silly ass pitbull is so fun to imagine, its snorting and shit and all he can do is smile.

OUH— 🌻 ANON, I WANT AK!JAY GRUNTIN N’ MOANIN’ TOOOOO. He definitely fucks up the bed while topping after coming back from one of his longer trips outside of gotham🤫🤭

And you’re very right about his trauma. Ak!Jays trauma isn’t gonna properly be healed in like 2-3 years its taking actual TIME. Definitely till he’s in his 30’s or 40’s maybe even longer because of his ongoing trauma (him working as The Red Hood) UUHHGG I WANNA WATCH HIM GROW AS A PERSON (HES FICTIONAL AND IM NOT STABLE.)

[bogkeep]

Odd Trauma Sticking Point I Would Love To Resolve With A Therapist Someday #47384

this one wasn't even related to the actual trauma, which is maybe one of the reasons it cut so deep. i think i was braced for it at any other time, and i thought i would be able to get away from it for a little bit. oh well. i mean, i also thought the Traumatic Event was over, LIKE A FOOL, when in reality it was going to be an Ongoing Event for at least another year. whoof!

i was attending a volunteer event that i had signed up for in advance. i went even though i was feeling a bit under the weather and hormonal. i had been really looking forward to attending, and at this point, could really use the Distraction. i don't regret my choices at all, even though i wish circumstances had been better.

i honestly thought the event went really well, even though i made it through on Energy Saving Mode- i socialised less than usual, i would lie down at a couch and chill by myself, reassured people around me i was okay and didn't feel excluded but wasn't feeling top form - the event was set up to be accessible, with quiet rooms to hide in and people whose jobs were to make sure everyone was well taken care of. maybe it seemed like a waste of attendance to be so distant and unsocial for so much of it, but it happens, and i can't argue with the fragile state i was in. i remember apologizing and explaining to people a lot.

a thing that DID happen repeatedly for some reason, was people making unintentionally awful jokes to me. like, it was not at all malicious in intent, just badly calibrated. the way i remember it, i kept having to say stuff like "hey, this makes me feel really bad, can you not make jokes like that about me?"

i have no idea how i came across, but what mattered most to me at the time was communicating the boundary. the way my Trauma had happened, any attempt at expressing my boundaries had been twisted and gaslit back to me in various forms of "did you really say that? i must have misunderstood" which you can probably imagine, made me quite desperate to make myself clear in the most explicit and unmistakeable way possible.

and to their credit, the other attendees seemed to take it to heart, and nothing worse happened. returning home after the event weekend i felt like it had gone quite well, all things considered.

it's the aftermath i can't let go of.

one of my co-volunteers asked to sit down with me. i don't remember if they said they had been talking to the others or not. there's a lot i don't remember, my brain was full of sludge at the time, but i think - they told me i had been so abrasive and asocial that weekend, that i had been lashing out at anyone talking to me.

another dagger point right in the trauma. ouch.

i think i just started crying and apologising for my behaviour, trying to explain my fragile state and how i just really needed people to be gentler with me at the time and hadn't known how else to stop the upsetting jokes.

i think my co-volunteer was put on the spot. i don't think they meant to smear the wet painting my trauma brain was, i think there was just a misunderstanding of events, but now they were trying to backpedal out of what they had told me earlier, which -

"why didn't you take better care of yourself?" i had been doing that.

"but why didn't you say that?" i... did. that's what i had done.

"you need to be really explicit." i had been!

"you need to express your needs by telling it straight to my face, shaking me by the shoulders, so you can make sure i absolutely understand you." YOU CAME TO MY HOUSE TO TELL ME HOW RUDE AND UNPLEASANT I HAD BEEN.

"you need to know your limits and not push yourself too much." i think i might scream.

look, my co-volunteer is just another flawed human who tried to be responsible and address everyone's concerns. they had no training to deal with a freshly PTSD'd autistic person crying all over the table, and had to find a way to justify the conversation in some way. i genuinely have no idea how i came across or how well i dealt with it. i don't envy anyone who had to deal with the fallout of my trauma.

but there was something so unintentionally cruel about being told i need to take better care of myself, but that my attempts at taking care of myself had been wrong, that i needed to be explicit about my needs, but chastised for being so overt about needing space - just crumple up my brain like a piece of paper already!! i already struggle to trust my own narrative of events!!!! i thought things went fine but apparently they didn't!!! did i fuck up or not!!!!!!!

i think the reason this is such a thorn in my heart is how unable i've been to explain this to others. i know how to word it, i know what fucked me up about it, but how can anyone respond satisfactorily? it sure was a thing that happened. it wasn't even a big deal, it was just such a sharp kernel, a piece of debris landing bullseye in my fresh and bleeding wound. there's no moral to this story, no puzzle to fix.

helped to write it out, i think.

[x-neurotoxin-x]

So basically I stopped reading your absolutely amazing works a little while ago (almost a year) and I'm mentally stable enough to catch up on them but can't decide which one pick first since I know that almost all of them will be great (I mean, you are you). So which ones out of your latest works are you the most proud of?

Omggg I get to do self promos?!? 👀 YAY

I'm glad to hear you like my works so much, and I hope you're doing alright. If you've read my old works then you probably know my fics have triggering content so please check tags and content warnings for any of these I link just in case. These are all from within the last year

Long fics:

This Is My Home

77k ▪ E Rating ▪ Complete | Endabi, Natsudabi, Dabi & Todofam

This one is a post-canon au where Touya's on house arrest and the todofam try to fix burnt bridges just for everything to end up going to hell as old habits start back up again. This one does have some really upsetting content so be careful with this one

Blood Letting // Love Letting

28k ▪ M rating ▪ Complete | Toga & Dabi centric. It could be read as a ship or platonically but there is some sexual aspects of their relationship. This fic does have an unhappy ending

A canon divergent AU where Toga and Dabi enter into a codependent relationship based on their trauma responses from childhood abuse causing sadomasochistic tendencies. It's a lot of Toga drinking Dabi's blood and them being generally unhealthy together.

Paper Bag Series

Currently 6 works, 81k in total ▪ Mixed Ratings, E and NR ▪ Ongoing | Shigadabi, Spinaraki, Spinnerdabi, and Spinarakidabi

A series of fics all in the same universe exploring extremely unhealthy relationship dynamics between Dabi, Shigaraki, and Spinner. The series is primarily Shigadabi centric with Spinaraki being a very present ship as well and a platonic spinnerdabi relationship that evolves over time (and with the "help" of Shigaraki.) Some of these works are extremely graphic and triggering, fyi

Oneshots:

Haven

3.5k ▪ M Rating | Enji | Endeavor & Touya | Dabi

Post Canon Au where Touya dies and Enji begins being visited by the ghost of a child Touya. He believes the haunting is a chance to redeem himself and help Touya's spirit get closure and pass on, but the haunting is a lot more malicious than it seems.

Arrangements

2.3k ▪ E rating | SpinnerDabi

This is shameless porn with plot of Spinner and Dabi getting into a FWB arrangement during Spinner's mating season because Shu is horny all the time and Dabi has a pain kink. They're super gay for each other but shhh don't tell them that they dont know

Wasting

2.3k ▪ M Rating | Rei & Touya centric

Pre-canon fic about Rei coming to believe something isn't right about Touya since he came back from training one night. This one was fun because it's mindbending; Touya is either an undead of sorts and possibly demonically possessed, or this is a product of Rei's mental deterioration due to trauma induced psychosis and all in her head.

Communication Issues

4.7k ▪ T rating | SpinnerDabi centric (Mostly platonic but pre-relationship), League Of Villains are there

Dabi has Nonverbal episodes, Spinner does too and he teaches him sign language and they ✨ bond ✨

Harvest

3.4k ▪ M Rating | Dabi-centric with platonic Dabi & Mr. Compress, League of Villains are there too

Concept based around the theory/hc Touya's grafts and body modifications came from corpses and he's being haunted by the ghosts of the ppl used to reconstruct his body. Mr compress can see ghosts so he tries to support him. This one has a lot of gore and was real fun to write. It's not totally canon compliant anymore ending wise.

[catflowerqueen]

You know, it is kind of funny to see Solar Flare being Eclipse's emotional voice of reason considering that he isn't very emotive himself? At the very least, he hasn't really expressed any desires beyond stopping Eclipse, and that was purely because he was worried about KC. I mean, I guess technically attempting to stabilize Eclipse is another way to work in pursuance of the goal of ensuring KC's safety--because I am not entirely sure Eclipse is actually aware that KC is off living in the woods and working in soup kitchens, since I don't remember him talking during Eclipse's visit to set up the spell, so Solar Flare also probably doesn't know, and a stable Eclipse is one who won't go after KC. So.

It was hilarious how annoyed Solar Flare sounded when reminding Eclipse of the fact that it has been six months since he took over his body, though. Mostly because of the aforementioned lack of emoting he generally displays.

And all this discussion about Lunar and Puppet finally having gone on the mission to retrieve them make me hopeful that we will see them again soon. And that they might even get some closure regarding Eclipse, one way or the other.

Though that also means they're going to find out about Moon's amnesia, which... it's probably going to really hurt, considering how close the two of them are. And how much this Moon really does act like them, with less trauma--trauma which they themself also contributed to.

And on that note, I wonder when Glamrock Freddy is going to find out about the amnesia. Because unless Gregory talked to him about it like he did Roxanne, I'm pretty sure neither of them know. And even in Roxanne's case, I don't think Gregory actually mentioned the memory loss, just the fact that Sun and Moon weren't evil.

It's just... going a bit off my original topic here, I know, but it's just... very weird from an in-universe perspective that Freddy isn't looking in on them more. He literally just blindly trusted that Earth would monitor them, even though he doesn't know them. And he expressed a desire to "go back to the way things used to be"--because for some reason Eclipse did leave happy memories, and just altered the memory of who was responsible for the maternity chip--but hasn't actually done anything to try and re-forge a relationship. And he is the one who would really have the most reason to interact with them, considering he is sort of kind of their boss. And I'm pretty sure he is among the only ones that don't have possible ongoing world-ending scenarios to deal with. So it's just extremely weird to me.

(And, yes, I know the out of universe reason has to do with scheduling and whatnot, and that they can't tie everything too closely together because of stuff like that. In-universe, though, it just makes me upset and frustrated. And furthers my belief that Sun, Moon, and Earth should just move out entirely after the Eclipse situation is dealt with.

I'm pretty sure they do still own their own house! Like, that is still a thing that exists! And it has labspace! Sun and Lunar moved all of Moon's lab equipment once, he and Moon can do it again! And Eclipse obviously didn't touch Moon's bank account or block access or anything, so it isn't as if they don't have the money for it!)

[ninhaoma-ya]

Chapter 1074 — Mark III

Really enjoying the current arc! Although I do wonder what happened with Law and Kid from time to time, the mysteries of Egghead are really piling up.

First, the cover story is amazing:

Nice little three-way brawl. Although Caesar has his powers, Queen doesn’t seem too cybernetically enhanced yet, although he does have that lovely mechanical arm to strangle Judge with. I wonder if he lost it in an accident or he changed it himself?

The Bubble Shield is cool! And Oda once again does what he does so well and shows without telling: the bubble can withstand a blast from a bazooka at point blank range. Impressive.

I wonder what happened with Pacifista Mark II?

Poor Sentomaru, all shaky and beat :( but the resolve is strong! And he must be quite a beloved fixture on Egghead for the people to care so much about him.

Radio Head dude in the bottom right corner is cute.

Why is it unsettling that your employer tries to reach you in matters pertaining to your work, Sentomaru? Something you’d rather not talk about, Sentomaru? Everything fine at Egghead, Sentomaru?

I wonder if Kizaru is the Admiral in charge of the Special Science Group? His Sabaody interactions with Sentomaru and the fact that he’s on his way now would indicate this to be the case.

And the spread of the week!

a) Zoro makes the future drip

b) York is one tall lady (but Sanji doesn’t discriminate, he loves all the ladies!)

c) Robin, stopping Nami from kicking Robin’s former, unconscious, tormentors says something profound about both women

d) Please Oda, just…give the ladies some trousers, OK?

I do enjoy the ongoing gag of Zoro’s total lack of sense of direction. Not sure if Sanji’s sarcastic here, with tears in his eyes, but Robin’s supportive clenched fist and smile is really cute (although her words are harsh).

And “I always go all out for everything” is such a Luffy statement <3

It’s nice that Luffy and Zoro get a moment to just relax.

However, you guys should really know that it’s a horrible idea to split up into smaller groups when something isn’t right as evidenced by the laser dome being operational. Do not split up! THERE IS A MOLE IN YOUR MIDST (mirroring Stussy, I presume, which in turn mirrors the double-agenting back in Wano). Maybe figure out that before splitting up into smaller teams?

But before we go into the Christie-esque Whodunnit-mystery: a detour to Bonney.

I thought Vegapunk was still with her, up until this panel. She really let him go quite quickly when she found her father’s memories. Maybe not the best writing (she was determined to kill him for quite a while before this and then she just… lets him go?), but understandable from a plot-perspective.

So Kuma was a slave in his childhood and Bonney sees him beaten? Reminiscent of other “see the memories of others” scenes, where the protagonist is helpless in the face of history, unable to change what has already happened. You can only be there and try to understand how it connects to a larger picture.

I just wanted to mention this panelling. It’s a really nice mirroring of father and daughter: Bonney covers, a small girl thrown down on the floor, yet Kuma keeps going (where, we don’t know). But then she looks at him (or his memories) and strengthens her resolve: she will see her father and understand him.

Poor Bonney, all shaky yet resolved :(

That slice of Kuma’s smile is just… ouch.

There’s probably something to unravel here on the justification (or responsibility) of children bearing their parent’s trauma, but I’m not the one to untangle that ball of knotty yarn.

And back to the Whodunnit part of the show!

Who is it? Who cut off the defenses and enabled CP0 to get up? Who is picking off the Vegapunk Satellites one at a time? A new character or someone we’ve already got to know and love or loathe?

a) One theory is that Urogue will play a larger part in the upcoming arc since all other Supernovas have had their time in the limelight. He is large enough to take on Pythagoras by himself, but he hasn’t been shown to have any connection to Egghead or Vegapunk.

b) The klink and klank suggests either a robot or someone with a large wrench.

c) Is it a Warlord-Pacifista, sneaking inside the lab, fulfilling the orders of Lucci and Kaku?

And the return of Beebs!

Vivi is very professional-looking here! Nice shirt!

But now i am itching for the backstory. Why is she at the WENP with Wapol of all people? Where is her entourage and his gold-digging wife? What happened after the Reverye and why was she crying yesterday? What is the timespan of all these events?

I really enjoy Morgans. He understands the role he chooses to play a little too well, taking on the mantle of a Murdoch-type slimeball who’s only in it to shape the world into what he wants. Although the government threatened him earlier and they seem to still be on the run, he’s fine with taking their money when spinning the yarn to support their interests.

There’s probably some other meta hiding here about the role of newspapers and how long we’ve had independent, truth-based journalism and if it’s ever been impartial or always entertainment, but, alas, it’s not a piece for me to delve into.

Great chapter, once more! I give it a deerstalker to wear, a gossip rag to write and the strength to face your father’s demons.

[waitingforwinterwinds]

ASOS; Steel and Snow: 12 TYRION II (pages 161-172)

Tyrion visits Varys to arrange a date with Shae, then sics Bronn on a bard.

-

The eunuch was humming tunelessly to himself as he came through the door, dressed in flowing robes of peach-colored silk and smelling of lemons.

lemon(s) = 🥛

also I have just had the best mental image of Modern Day AU Varys as a Drag Queen. Probably runs a club with all the best gossip.

"I am full of surprises. Are you cross with me for abandoning you after the battle?" "It made me think of you as one of my family."

Ha! that is both a sick burn, and also really sad.

... damn. Maegor: 3 x Grand Maesters by Axe Aegon II: 1 x Grand Maester by Dragon Digestion

That "maesters wrecked the Targaryens actually" theory sounding more and more likely. Look at all this extra motive.

Bronn had turned up all he could on Ser mandon, but no doubt Varys knew a great deal more... should he choose to share it. "The man seems to have been quite friendless," Tyrion said carefully. "Sadly," said Varys, "oh, sadly. You might find some kin if you turned over enough stones back in the Vale, but here... Lord Arryn brought him to King's Landing and Robert gave him his white cloak, but neither loved him much, I fear. (...) Ser Barristan was once heard to say he had no friend but his sword and no life but duty... but you know, I do not think Selmy meant it altogether as praise.-"

OOOHHHH!!!! I just had a conspiracy theory.

Cersei didn't hire Moore to kill Tyrion, Moore was taking a chance to kill who he believed was responsible for Jon Arryn's death after getting news from the Vale from on old friend who still lives there re: the very rigged Trial and Lysa's (very loud and false) claims. Moore was taking the first opportunity for vengeance that he thought he could get away with.

What do you think? Feasible? Too much crack?

One day, I am going to come up with a conspiracy theory that contains so much pure crack, the cops will break down the door for a drug bust.

But also, given how this series uses perceptions and assumptions, even if we're in some one's POV, we don't always get the full story, but it is the best way to be sure someone actually did something for realsies.

... You know, I'm actually kind of surprised they let Lollys keep the foetus (or are forcing her to keep the foetus) to term. You'd think, given how they treat bastards and such, that they'd remove 'such a stain' before it became a problem.

(Or at the very least they wouldn't force a young woman who's been violated to carry a baby she never asked for. But then again this series does not care very much for the female members of the cast. The kind ongoing of trauma and dysphoria that is probably giving her, whether it looks that way or not in her current mental state...)

"To guard the king's life, you surrender your own. You give up your lands and titles, give up hope of marriage, children..." "House Tyrell continues through my brothers," Ser Loras said. "It is not necessary, for a third son to wed, or breed." "Not necessary, but some find it pleasant. What of love?" "When the sun has set, no candle can replace it."

D&D suck at their job = 🥛

I'm sorry, but can we just take a moment and appreciate the depth of Loras' grief? Like, I have no trouble believing Book!Loras loved Renly for real. Truly, honestly loved him first and foremost before he saw him as a pawn to get at the throne.

Show!Loras and Renly? I forgot they even fucked.

Loras being gay in the show felt like a background joke. "LoL, Sansa has a crush on a gay boy," or "LOL, Cersei is getting married to the gay boy."

Even between Loras and Renly, in the show, the first time we really saw them together, Loras was talking Renly into vying for the crown and Robert wasn't even dead yet. It was manipulation and titillation. Were they in love or was Loras just using him? Who knows, but after Renly died no one really cared, and I forgot they fucked, forgot Loras was even gay until it was shoved back in my face like a poor tasting joke.

Book!verse though? I can believe those two were in love, I can believe Loras is grieving that loss so quietly because he can't say what he's lost, what he feels, he can't express the depth of it and he has to listen to everyone around him belittle that affection and connection, and oh my gosh that poor boy.

A woman sidled into the light; plump, soft, matronly, with a round pink moon of a face and heavy dark curls. Tyrion recoiled. "Is something amiss?" she asked. Varys, he realized with annoyance.

Drag Queen!Varys is canon. Pry it from my cold dead hands. Just cross-dressing, I know, shhhh, let me have this.

"He's gone," Shae said. Tyrion turned to look. It was true. the eunuch had vanished, shirts and all. The hidden doors are here somewhere, they have to be.

You wanna bet they're under the giant stone slab of a bed? You know, that thing that our attention was directed to the last time he was talking about hidden doors?

(also, it made me think of that scene from the animated Secret Garden, with the secret door under the window seat when they were talking about it earlier, but it probably slides like that giant coffin door from... oh gish, what's the movie... it's going to come to me right as I'm drifting off to sleep. It's like an entire trope to be fair, "giant stone altar/coffin is actually a sliding door" so I'm probably thinking of several movies.)

Her cunt gave him a little squeeze, and he started to stiffen again inside her.

'cunt' = 🥛

... you know, the longer Shae talks about Lollys, the more I prefer Show!Shae to Book!Shae, just for the fact that the show version has some level of empathy for other people. I understand it's probably a coping mechanism for some kind of hidden backstory trauma (no one in this series is without), but damn the way book!Shae treats sexual assault is icky AF.

Then he made a round of the walls, tapping on each in turn, searching for the hidden door. Shae sat with her legs drawn up and her arms wrapped around them, watching him. Finally she said, "They're under the bed. the secret steps." He looked at her, incredulous. "The bed? the bed is solid ston. It weighs half a ton." "There's a place where Varys pushes, and it floats right up. I asked him how, and he said it was magic." "Yes." Tyrion had to grin. "A counterweight spell."

Ha-ha! I was right... about the location. Not the door type, though. The magic in this series is so low key or background I tend to forget it's a thing.

This does explain how he got out of the room without being heard. half-ton stones are not quietly moved, even if they have mechanisms to help them.

!! Alayaya made it back to her mother's brothel! Phew, I was low key worried something had happened to her on the walk back. you know, after she was whipped and kicked out the Keep naked?

"There is a singer who calls himself Symon Silver Tongue," Tyrion said wearily, pushing his guilt aside. "He plays for Lady Tanda's daughter sometimes. "What of him?" Kill him, he might had said, but damn the man had done nothing but sing a few songs.

You'd think Bards would do better in life, what with being a Charisma class, but no, no one likes Bards here.

And fill Shae's head with thoughts of doves and dancing bears.

... well now I have "Once Upon a December" from Anastasia (1997) stuck in my head.

Dancing Bears Painted Wings Things I almost remember. And a song someone sings Once upon a December.

[saezurufeels]

Why do so many fans of saezuru think that doumeki is all knowing when it comes to yashiro? I see alot of interpretations prior to 51 that characterize him as being so sure and aware of yashiro’s feelings and that he seems to be playing this game to make him confess. I think only after this recent chapter people are starting to realize that he didn’t know. It makes sense though; sensei does seem to go for realism over romance. Of course doumeki wouldn’t think he’s special to yashiro if you look at yashiro’s actions through his eyes. People also tend to forget that doumeki truly believes that he defiles yashiro everytime they do anything sexual together pretimeskip. I think that also may be a factor of why he doesn’t take off his clothes and keeps a distance post time skip. I look forward to seeing how their relationship develops but I think I would like to see yashiro also being more honest and straightforward with his feelings. If you take out yashiro’s thoughts that we as an audience see throughout the story, it really shows how little doumeki has to work with in terms of knowing how yashiro feels about him.

Hindsight is always 20/20. Some of the beliefs we have atm will be outdated a few chapters from now, that’s just how it is with ongoing works and new information being released gradually. Some interpretations stick and others are replaced, but the uncertainty is what’s so fun about making predictions. I think there were lots of valid reasons Doumeki was perceived as a strategist in vol. 7, after all, he's incredibly perceptive when it comes to Yashiro, he knows Yashiro’s backstory, and he’s experienced Yashiro’s hesitation despite his obvious signs of affection for D. I think another big reason for that interpretation was Doumeki joining the yakuza to be in the same world as Yashiro— back then we didn’t know that his motive may have changed with time, but now we know a little more about him so it’s easier to see how he may have actually been hurt by rejection.

There could be lots of reasons Doumeki didn’t take his shirt off and didn’t have sex with Yashiro. Maybe he doesn’t want to defile him, maybe he doesn’t want to awaken his emotions, maybe he doesn’t want to overwhelm Yashiro with affection, maybe he’s afraid of another rejection, maybe he doesn’t want to hurt and upset Yashiro with the symbol of “corruption” on his back. We won’t know until we know, but until then it’s fun to speculate.

But I agree, Doumeki doesn’t know everything about Yashiro, and it’s possible that some things were buried over time and distance. Multiple rejections are probably easier to remember than that one kiss Yashiro initiated when they slept together. Overall, I think Doumeki still remembers the intense connection they had, but doesn’t quite understand why Yashiro wanted to get rid of him so bad. Yashiro’s drive to get rid of Doumeki was as strong as Doumeki’s drive to stay by Yashiro. But Doumeki doesn’t deal with the same trauma that Yashiro struggles with, so naturally he wouldn’t quite get it. Doumeki thinks that if you love someone you’d do anything to stay by their side, and Yashiro believes that if you love someone you’d do anything to save them from harm and corruption. They were on different wavelengths because of their VASTLY different life experiences. Doumeki, like everyone else, is subjective and human.

Post timeskip, I think they both need to be honest and straightforward with each other. I wouldn’t put the burden of responsibility solely on Yashiro’s shoulders, because he’s also struggling to understand Doumeki’s feelings. Yashiro’s been rejected far more severely in his life than Doumeki has, so he also has a crazy fear of rejection, and on top of that he’s never learned how to be open with his feelings. They’re both gonna have to give a little, but I'll give them major credit for being on track with that. Thanks for the ask!

[freyjas-musings]

Thank you for your response (re: Gwyn allegedly having luring powers). Sometimes I think others have been reading different books. In other media, I’ve felt pretty good about being able to figure out endgame couples & twists, but they had me thinking I’d missed something important. I don’t understand their level of hatred toward Gwyn just because there’s another “ship” option in the fandom. In the text, she’s a sweet person who is continuing to overcome trauma. Nothing about her screams evil seductress. I really liked Elain prior to interacting more in online forums, but E/riels are making me want to avoid any type of posts about her due to the nastiness of it all. I just haven’t seen that from people who like other ACOTAR ships. Thanks for your thoughts! Glad I’m not missing glaring parts of the story 😅

I hear you !!! That's one thing that I cannot stand people just writing vile shit about characters that mean something to people just for a ship war. It's an ongoing joke that elriels probably read a different version of the books to all of us ... they clearly don't seem to see the red flags at all.

I have now had more than a few elriels who have admitted to "skimming" through acosf except for the elain parts, which is non-existent in the book ... so you understand why they have no idea about Gwyn or why that character could never be evil.

I won't lie after my last experience with an Elain related post I have my reservations too but its kind of unfair because not all stans are unhinged and crazy . Most Eluciens are pretty good to interact with and we need to remember they are Elain stans too!!!

You are not missing anything.... you are spot on in guessing the end games .... when we have published authors rooting for a ship we know its happening 😊

[izzy-b-hands]

Ongoing PTSD breakdown trauma stuff below the cut, pls ignore, just need to spew it somewhere that like. I know my feelings will be safe to have and type up and whatever. Also, sorta? mild our flag spoilers under the cut bc my brain is a mess and I use characters I love to help metaphor out and explain my own shit so. yeah. that's also a thing here.

Motherfucking random traumatic memory abt Mum fucking. Randomly hitting me while I'm writing fic (for no apparent reason, no idea what triggered my brain to throw this at me when I WAS NEARLY DONE WITH THE FUCKING FIC NO LESS)

So goddamn rude. I'm off my track on the fic now, so I'm setting it aside for the night (we have Ren Faire today (it literally just hit midnight lol), but after that I want to get back to it) and realising I should really write this memory down.

Like. all of the little details about it, the bits of Mum and I and our relationship surrounding it. Both because my brain does tend to shutter some of those things away and makes them hard to get to without it being stupid lengthy a process involving talking out every feeling I'm having with someone else(unless it pulls some shit like tonight, then suddenly it's no fucking problem throwing it all over the place apparently) and because like

I don't know if I could say this one out loud to anyone, but I think I should. Probably a therapist, but it's one of those stupid trauma things of you just Want Someone, Anyone To Know, Now. To acknowledge it and say if it was as fucked up as it feels (bc I will never deny the possibility that I'm being dramatic and it isn't, and I should just. chill the fuck out about it.)

But every time I start trying to type it out I get hit with this wave of a physical response where my arms and wrists and fingers feel like they're clenching up and I Can't type it. And there's a part of me that doesn't want to because if I can see it in letters on a page, then it's real. It's real and it happened and maybe it was as fucked up as it feels like it was and if that's all true then like. it fits with everything else about our relationship that's already fucked up, from the severe (better than it used to be, but I'm sure it's very clear to y'all that it's still Not Good even though I've moved away from her) co-dependence to the emotional incest (fun fact: that term feels like a gut punch every time I hear it, and I've heard it from my therapist more than a few times now over the past 9ish years of treatment.) So I shouldn't be shocked by that or like, upset, right?

Yet I'm here typing this out to put off typing it up, and I'd bet money I don't necessarily have that I'll wind up putting my laptop away, showering, and going to bed without getting it typed. For better or for worse.

Part of the reason I worry so much abt Frenchie this season (aside from that I love him and he's one of my faves and I want nothing but good and happy for him) is because I also subscribe to his 'shove all the fucked up shit you've seen/experienced in a box in your mind and just. Never open it unless you're putting more in there' method of coping (have all my life, it was so weirdly validating to see it onscreen like that explained so plainly) and like. This is me when the box somehow pops open when I didn't mean it to, and I both want Frenchie to be able to process the things that have happened to him but also don't want to see a character I love so much hurt like this. Because it feels like a big stupid gaping open wound in my chest that I'm being entirely too dramatic about, no matter how valid feeling that way abt it might be.

Kind of hope I can just shut the lid on the box so I can get done and go to sleep after I post this. Should I actually type out the memory and everything? I hate to think that the answer my therapist would have given me, if I could afford to be seeing her rn, would be yes. But the thing is, I have fucking Ren Faire tomorrow in my Izzy cosplay (that Housemate says I look good in, which I'll vainly admit I'm rather happy about, even if it is a very inaccurate and homemade cosplay that's missing certain details I can't yet afford to buy), and I don't want to be dealing with any of this for the rest of the night/into tomorrow. I need to sleep so I can go have some fucking fun, for once. I even feel ok to bring my cane with folded in my bag, just in case I need it, bc that would still be in character if I wind up needing to use it. I can count on one hand the times I've had a fun experience where I also felt safe admitting when my body was hurting and using a physical aid to help it get by; I'm not losing this one.

It's not getting typed out, and I need to duct tape that fucking box shut for now.