#so you're definitely not alone

[mellosdrawings]

OOOOOO CAN I ASK HOW WOULD THE N2 SQUAD REACT TO EACH OF THEM DYING?

What have you unleashed?

(WARNING: Angst, allusions to death, all that fun stuff. Nothing graphic tho, don't worry)

Jamil

He shouldn’t be surprised.

Well… He isn't surprised. Jamil Viper doesn't get nice things. Not for more than a few months, anyway.

Every once in a while, life takes pity on him and throws some nice, agreeable news his way. Just enough so that he lets his guard down. Just enough so that he allows himself to think maybe things will get better. Just enough so that he can pretend he isn't chained to a fate he will never escape.

A letter to NRC, a plan that goes a little too well, a couple of upperclassmen who seem to genuinely love him for who he is and not who he pretends to be.

So of course it doesn't last. Life gives and life takes.

Kalim follows, Octavinelle gets involved, Leona and Vil-

Well…

He isn't surprised.

Jamil Viper doesn't get nice things.

Vil

They look at him like they expect something from him. Horror, anger, ugly tears maybe. Just a reaction. Anything. Anything at all.

Vil doesn't give them that. Doesn't give them an opportunity to pity him. Doesn't give them food for gossip. Doesn't give them any material to make this topic last for any longer than it has to.

He knows how it works. Someone snaps a pic of him at his lowest, someone records his voice breaking during an interview, someone catches his lips tremble for but a second, and everybody will start talking about it again. And again. And again. For as long as there is a reaction from him. For as long as the topic attracts views.

Suffering brings more views than success.

So Vil doesn't react. Doesn't say a thing. Doesn't acknowledge the topic.

Better to be a cold asshole for a few weeks than to hear about it for years.

And in the darkness of his own room, where there is no camera, no eyes, and no ears to witness his grief-

Vil cries himself to sleep.

Leona

It’s just sand.

Only sand.

For miles and miles, further than the eye can see, nothing but sand.

Ruggie had the clever foresight to send all of Savanaclaw packing when Leona got the news. They would be sand too otherwise.

Who cares.

Who fucking cares.

He could turn the whole world to sand and it wouldn't be enough.

He might as well turn his own heart into sand.

It would hurt less.

[spaciebabie]

at first getting diagnosed with cptsd was like, "yay my trauma has been validated (it always was valid)!" and i really thought that was going to be it, but then i started to do research as i do whenever i realize i have something and learned that!! the way i experience socialization is!! quite horrid actually!!

[jtl-fics]

Fluent Freshman - Part 40

PREV

The Winter Banquet.

Where the Spring Championship announcements happen for Collegiate Exy. A formal event meant to allow the ERC to showcase how their stars weren’t just brutes on the court. Look at how beautiful and handsome they all were. Look at how they danced together. Look at the smiles and laughter and-

Wait.

No.

Put that down.

Who had the great idea to put the Jackals next to the Terrapins? Things have been tense between the teams since the Captain of the Terrapins stole the Captain of the Jackal’s date during the Fall Banquet!

I thought we all agreed that there would never be any more steak knives! What was the point of paying for all the pre-cut tenderloins if we’re just going to give them steak knives?! 

Really gotta find an intern to pin this fiasco on.

Oh great the Foxes are leaving! Did we even get a picture of Kevin Day in his suit? Fuck it’s going to be a two intern firing kind of day isn’t it.

Someone get an eye on the Ravens before they try and grab some hapless idiot and sacrifice him to revive Riko Moriyama. If there’s even one more damn tabloid with a blurry photo of ‘Riko Moriyama’ to prove that his death was faked then heads will roll.

Honestly, the biopic that some Edgar Allan Film student is making about him seems pretty interesting. The ERC just wishes people would stop taking pics of the ‘lead actor’ and sending it to tabloids as proof that the King hadn’t died.

Fuck, the Foxes left before we got any decent pictures.

Well just great.

You’d think that after all these years of the Foxes leaving early they’d have learned that getting pictures as they arrive is the most important thing. 

Oh thank god it looks like the Trojans are starting to mediate the fight. You can always count on good ol’ Jeremy.

Fuck.

A Raven got too close to Jean Moreau and now Jeremy Knox has punched a Backliner. Great. The Trojans have formed ranks around Moreau but the kid’s just too damn tall. Someone has hit him in the head with an especially saucy meatball, he’s not injured, just confused. The Trojans are acting like it’s a gunshot he just took to the head.

The refreshment table just seemed to collapse in on itself and god wasn’t that just an allegory for this entire damn evening.

Anita Flores sighs as she watches yet another banquet go down in a riot. Honestly, she doesn’t know why they think these will end up differently. She finds herself often missing when she used to coordinate banquets for football teams.

She sighs and thinks about her least favorite interns.

Alex had been getting a bit too cocky lately. He’d make a good sacrifice.

***

(Three hours earlier)

The Palmetto State Foxes were on their way to the Winter Banquet. From what FF understood it was categorically always a 90% chance of a shitshow. Honestly FF was surprised that the percentage was that low.

There was a general tenseness in the air surrounding it that went beyond the Banquet’s propensity to become a fight. 

This year the Winter Banquet was going to be held up at the Binghamton Bearcat’s stadium. The nation knew the story from the news and FF knew the story from both that and from the Foxes themselves who were there at the time in bits and pieces.

Captain Neil had been kidnapped from this stadium and then he’d been tortured. FF hadn’t even been on the team when it had happened and he was anxious about Captain Neil going anywhere near the stadium.

“He was just…he was just gone.” Matt had said, “Neil was gone and Kevin said that he was probably dead when Andrew got back with his phone.” He continued as the two of them sat up late in the living room of the dorm one night back in early October.

“I thought Andrew was going to kill me y’know.” Kevin had said bottle in hand as FF tried to help him up the stairs because apparently he would 100% guarantee vomit if he was in the nausea box. “I thought that maybe I deserved it, since I didn’t help Neil. I just let him walk to his death.” He said and despite assurances that he wouldn’t puke FF’s shoes did not make it through that journey unscathed.

“We called…we called everywhere.” Nicky had stared up at the ceiling of his hospital room, “Andrew was adamant that he was still alive even though Kevin kept saying he was dead and that dead was the nicest thing he could hope for. I thought that was a terrible thing to say.” Nicky curled up closer to him.

“I told you, Andrew dragged me like I was nothing to get to Neil. I don’t think he even noticed the guns.” Wymack said to Abby as the two sat on the back porch during Aras’ going away party. “His eyes were on Neil.” he gestures towards where Andrew was watching Captain Neil wrestle with Matt.

“He looked like shit.” Aaron had said unable to stomach a diagram of different degrees of burn in his medical book. “At least he was alive.” He adds.

“A hero.” Andrew’s voice had been what could be considered teasing from Andrew, “Someone who looks like her.” he had said touching Captain Neil’s burn scars as they drove away from the stadium after coming back to pick FF up.

Captain Neil had come to him the day before they were set to drive out, “Take me somewhere no one will find me for an hour.” FF hadn’t quite understood what Captain Neil meant, he never hid anywhere. People just failed to realize where he was.

“Ok.” he says instead of trying to explain because being unnoticed means no one hid codes from him.

The roof of the Library wasn’t that much different from the roof of the Tower, only that it was taller and bigger. Captain Neil had shut his phone off after texting something, likely to Andrew, and then put it into his pocket.

FF settled on the roof, sat with his back against a heating vent to stay warm. Captain Neil settled next to him and they sat in silence. It felt like back at the start of this where Captain Neil and Andrew would come find him and just sit in silence. 

It was nice. He had missed-

“They act like the stadium is the thing that kidnapped me.” Captain Neil says.

Oh okay, quiet time is over apparently.

FF doesn’t say anything, figuring that nothing he could say right now would be the right thing and maybe Captain Neil just needs to talk through some stuff.

“That stadium is where I thought I’d have my last good memory.” Captain Neil explains, “I’m not scared of it and yet Andrew’s acting like I’ll die if I’m left alone for more than 2 seconds while we’re there. Every time we go there they all act like the most important thing in the world is that I get on that bus at the end of the night.” Captain Neil explains.

FF does remember how Andrew had grabbed Captain Neil after their October game up in Binghamton. How Captain Neil had complained bitterly but had gone after looking at Andrew.

“He’s dead!” Captain Neil exclaimed and FF couldn’t help but look over at the entrance and hoped no one heard them. “He’s dead! I watched him get shot! He can’t kidnap me again!” Captain Neil continued to yell and FF couldn’t help but worry that they’d be heard below, or worse bother a student trying to study below.

FF reached out and touched Captain Neil’s arm and bright blue eyes turned to him, “We’re on a library. Don’t yell.” FF said and Captain Neil looked at him incredulously.

Then he laughed. He laughed and laughed and FF was worried that he’d gone and broken his Captain.

He suddenly felt bad about his own bout of hysterical laughter a while back.

“Thanks Smith.” Captain Neil had said with a smile.

They had sat up there until it was dark and Andrew had started calling FF’s phone and Captain Neil took the call to say he was coming back.

Now they’re on the bus, dressed nicely, and on their way up to Binghamton’s stadium. Captain Neil and Andrew are hidden in the far back of the bus with Andrew looking far more like a watchdog than anything else the closer they got to their destination.

Captain Neil had seemed largely resigned to this treatment at this point. Eventually they were at the stadium and shown to their seats. They were sat across from the Trojans and it seemed like the rest of the team was quite pleased with that.

“Smith!” Captain Jeremy Knox is smiling at him, “Nice to see you again bud, nice name change too.” he says.

“It’s nice to see you too, Captain Jeremy.” FF says and doesn’t notice how Captain Neil’s head whips around to look at him.

“You two know each other?” Nicky asks looking between the two of them with excitement.

“Of course! We offered Smith a spot at the USC Trojans.” Captain Jeremy says and FF feels his stomach cramp at the memory.

That had been terrifying.

Coach Rheman and Captain Jeremy wanted to sit down to make their offer with his parents. He was still 17 and unable to sign anything legal without their permission. He’d tried to decline and move past them and Captain Jeremy had put the final nail in the coffin at the time for any thought that he could go to college on the power of his apparent Exy capabilities.

“I saw in your file that you have brothers! USC always gives a second look at student applicants who already have siblings in the university. You could go to school with your brothers!” he had smiled brightly like he wasn’t issuing FF one of the most terrifying threats he’d ever heard in his entire life.

He had given the firmest ‘No thank you, I’m not interested in playing Exy in college.’ he could and was running to his Grandma’s to breath into a bag for twenty minutes.

“I see you changed your mind about playing Exy in college.” Captain Jeremy said with the same smile that still feels like a threat.

“Coach Wymack and Captain Dan were convincing.” he says and looks to see if there’s any way he can move further away from Captain Jeremy’s attention.

“Can I ask what convinced you to be a Fox?” Captain Jeremy asks, “I’m always trying to see what support we should be offering. I found out last year that we missed out on Andrew because we didn’t offer spots to Aaron or Nicky. I thought since you had brothers that’d be the thing that got you.” Captain Jeremy leans across the table but stops when he notices the Foxes all tense. “Whoa, what’s up?” he asks.

Jean Moreau sighs from next to Captain Jeremy, “Not everyone wants to go to college with their family, Jeremy.” Jean says, “Did it not cross your mind that he changed his entire name?” he asks with a raised brow.

Jeremy blinks, “Oh,” he looks at FF, “I guess that wasn’t the right thing to offer.” he says leaning back in his chair.

“I guess I should thank you for offering that?” Nicky says wryly before turning to look at FF, “You look better in orange anyways.” he says.

“Thank you Nicky.” FF returns loyally.

The banquet gets started shortly afterwards. Food is served. The bar is opened. People are talking. FF finds himself relaxing the longer the conversations around him go on. Matt is talking with a backliner on the Trojan line named Todd in good cheer. Captain Neil, Kevin, and Jean are all talking about the latest updates with Ichirou in French with the occasional gesture towards FF. Jean Moreau looks at him with a raised eyebrow but gives him a single nod when Captain Neil explains what happened.

Jeremy is chatting with Jack and even Jack was finding it hard to maintain his usual level of rudeness in the face of such unbridled positive energy. Nicky was talking with Katelyn and Alvarez. Aaron was chatting with a fellow med student college athlete who was an offensive dealer. 

It was shaping up to be a good night.

MASTERPOST FOR ALL PARTS OF FLUENT FRESHMAN AU

NEXT

[the-blue-wraith]

When you're living in a household full of cruelty and bitterness and you were never given any kindness, you'll believe the world hates you for being who you are. You'll believe you don't deserve any kindness because the people around you never gave you that. When you see someone being kind and gentle you can't help but feel disgusted. As a child, I experienced this and I hated the world. In Astarion’s perspective, I definitely understood that. This part of his narrative is really relatable to me because I've been there.

He hated when your Tav helped people and treated them with kindness because he was never given any of that when he needed the most. No one came to him during his lowest moments. Until he met Tav who originally he planned on seducing them so they would protect him, and the first person who treated him with genuine kindness. After facing Cazador he realized he can be much more than what he was made for, someone who can break the cycle of terror that he endured for 200 years. He had nothing for so long, with his freedom he can finally start healing and be able to make decisions for himself. He will never be used as a toy anymore because he is his own person now.

I have never loved a character like this before. His story means so much for trauma survivors just like me. Astarion means so much to me and I'll be forever grateful for knowing this character.

[melancholic-pigeon]

you know what though

Another way to say this is "about half the people who take the test get the same results every time" and "It's controversial" and "It can be reductive for some people" and "it shouldn't be used for hiring decisions" and "the monetary for-profit corporation that charges money to administer the test has a vested interest in promoting it as a miracle elixir"

and I'm actually sick to fucking death of "it works quite well for about half the people who take it and at the same time it's overhyped" turning into "This is total nonsense that never ever works for anyone in any situation ever, it's complete and utter bunk, and the 50% of test-takers who say it's not always total bunk are just idiots lying to themselves"

I bet you 500$ USD that OP can't actually define introversion as used by MBTI. Spoiler: it's actually not a binary one-or-nothing "horrible misanthrope who hates everyone" or "Bubbly cheerleader who loves running parties every single day".

(also the fact that they don't know there are sixteen types*, not twelve, says to me that they completely turned their brain off as soon as someone said "It's like secular astrology!!!!" which is only true if you do it wrong and assign types by birthday, which is not how this works.)

Sorry, but MBTI is not in the same fucking category as astrology, IQ, Love Languages or whatever the fuck other pop psychology thing that makes you mad.

*Type. Pay attention to that word. Type doesn't mean "exact, photographically detailed picture of every single thought, decision and emotion that this person has throughout their entire life from birth to death with absolutely no variation". It's a type. A subgroup. Tendencies. Likelihoods. Patterns.

It doesn't work for you. That doesn't mean I'm lying to myself because I can tell where you're jumping to conclusions about why it doesn't work for you.

[teplejtrouba]

my psychiatrist confirmed that i am in fact autistic

[witheredgardenparty]

Every now and then I see the discourse circulate on this hellsite, and I wonder if people know that the term 'yandere' used to have an extremely specific definition that no longer holds up to how people use it today

[housederiva]

i think that other anon meant “big name fan”, which i guess they think might mean you get special privileges for having a popular blog and precludes you from being sent a takedown notice? i can’t think of many examples of bnfs these days but i guess it’s close to like. fandom influencer-lite. those people that got to test veilguard early and tweet about it when the media embargo lifted probably count.

Oh... wow.... I'm flattered someone would think that highly of me. But I only have a couple thousand people following this blog and I've had it for 10ish years (shout out to the people who came with me when I moved blogs last year due to the bot spam i was inflicted with)

In the grand scheme of things I'm absolutely no one. I just never stop talking and I guess people think I'm funny enough for some inconceivable reason to rb from once and a while

Also! Also! Why would I be sent on a takedown notice?!? I have absolutely nothing that needs to be taken down 👁️👁️ The Hollering pdf you've all been expressly asked to ignore has absolutely nothing to do with Dragon Age!!!

[statementlou]

why do you think louis said this might be the only time he plays at the hollywood bowl? do you reckon it might be because his tickets sales aren’t going well and he was told that it won’t be possible to book venues like these next tour? that made me kinda sad :((

every day I get asks being like "do you think [random thing that happened in the last 24 hours] is because Louis' ticket sales are so bad?" and it's obviously just annoying harries with nothing better to do than try to make people unhappy (TPWK!!!) and maybe they're just getting cleverer here and have tricked me, but this sounds like it might actually be a person who they are getting to with this garbage and have made unhappy so fine, I'll bite-

Louis' ticket sales are going FINE!!!! He is playing great shows every night and is on target for the tour he has booked and everything he's doing is completely sustainable and if nothing changes (which it will, for the bigger; he has been picking up more fans every year) he can keep touring like this (and playing these venues) indefinitely! The idea that every show that doesn't sell out is a failure is made up and makes no sense- if every show sold out there would be people who wanted to give them money but were unable to do so. That is not how capitalism (and growing your fanbase) work for any working musicians outside the top .00001% biggest in the world! If your venues sell out, then next time you book bigger ones, and you keep doing that until you hit a size where it doesn't sell out so everyone can buy buy buy those tickets. I can't know for sure why Louis said what he said; but he is constantly in disbelief that things are going as well as they are for him and while this album and tour especially he seems to have finally started to believe we really do like what he does and aren't going anywhere, I think that's still there and that's what I heard with that. I mean also it could be next time he plays LA he ends up in an equal size but less iconic venue and booking never lines up with that space again or something, for all I know it's really hard to get on their schedule. Hollywood Bowl is a historic and renowned venue and Louis was excited to play on a stage that has hosted so many famous people and moments and was trying to be in the moment and appreciate it (as he has been focused on making an effort to do lately) because the future is a mystery and anything that is ever happening might never come around again, but I don't think it's cause for concern.

[tio-trile]

I’ve been following you since I first read the book, and it is SO VALIDATING to see that you hated season two as much as I did. I’m certainly not trying to act like I have better taste than newer fans, but seeing so much love for GO2 has been making me feel insane. I thought it was such a mess. I do still have SOME hope that season three could be good, but after this those hopes are not high.

I don't have a problem with other people enjoying the season at all! It just comes down to that this product of entertainment entertained some people but it did not entertain me, and I have no reason to force myself to be invested.

[imminent-danger-came]

Part of me, deep deep down, wonders if we still may have a scene of MK on his knees versus his friends a la 4x07

[alrightbuckaroo]

Thank you for saying what you said. Sometimes I wish the writers hadn't made Carlos a flawed character because of how some people have leapt on it to paint him as the bad guy in every situation, even ones from previous seasons. And that makes me sad because Carlos as a character makes me feel seen. But it's nice to not feel alone in seeing some of the discourse and feeling upset.

Of course! I don't know if this is in reference to this post or this one; but the sentiment remains the same: let Carlos mess up!

I can understand where you're coming from about wanting him not to be flawed; because character development like that can be polarizing and not always fair to the character.

It's why I hate it when a black or brown queen on RuPaul's Drag Race is given the "villain" edit because it just opens the doors for microagressions, coded remarks or blatant racism from the fandom.

I remember when the first couple of episodes of season four aired, and while I didn't necessarily love the marriage storyline, I did think it was weird to see some people just suddenly "turn" on Carlos.

Rafael had said something to the extent of like, "I hope you learn to love Carlos again" or "fall back in love with Carlos" and I was like...again? What happened? It's only been like three episodes lmao. I definitely think there are things Carlos has done that aren't perfect (when will we be free of cop era Carlos, I beg) but I think some people have gotten so used to seeing Carlos as the "perfect" solution to TK's problems and the moment he was shown not to be that, it kind of opened a floodgate.

All that said, I like that's he's shown to be flawed because that's what makes fictional characters that much more human!

Maybe it's because I'm BIPOC and most of my friends are too, but it's been really cool to see a queer man of color confront things like his internalized homophobia, his strained relationship with his father, and hell, just his emotions in general.

That said, when dealing with all of that, people aren't always going to make the "right" decisions or respond "correctly" but I think they deserve grace at the end of the day.

Obviously, it's a nothing more than a television show at the end of the day, and Carlos is just a character; but I really hope that the idea that men of color, especially queer men of color, aren't allowed to also mess up doesn't transfer to the real world, that's all I really care about at the end of the day.

Call out problematic behavior when you see it, but realize everyone's human, we're all going to mess up because we're human, but we still deserve grace to grow and change (to an extent) because we're human.

[kelin-is-writing]

how would dabi be with a reader whos very extroverted? its kinda like a black cat bf and golden retriver gf ngl-

dabi x fem!reader

many might think that he wouldn’t like someone extroverted or like– not necessarily extroverted, but more open than he is about things and feelings. i think though that dabi would be more than fine with a gf who’s open about her feelings, actions, is cheerful and spontaneous. i honestly think spontaneity is one of the traits about someone that attracts him a lot if not the most, especially since never in his life he has seen someone being like that towards him and it would be a new feeling to dabi that makes him excited and always look forward to talk or interact with you.

when walking around and you’re just super excited while looking your surroundings dabi would never try to ruin your fun, he just walks right after you and admires the way you talk so happily about things you like and find interesting, smitten by how bright the world seems when he’s looking your way. it makes his lips naturally curl up into a smile as he nods while moving closer to your figure, an arm surrounding your shoulders gently as he keeps listening carefully at what you say, yet he never looks away from your face, not even for a moment.

you’re shining so brightly in his eyes that he just can’t seem to be able to advert them.

[mymarifae]

honkai star rail 2.1 update

[stormyoceans]

do you remember what made you feel better when you finished watching vice versa and knew you wouldn't see them again? i'm going through it right now (with other show) and 😭😭😭 i guess i'm so sad because i enjoyed it a lot and that's a good thing but still i hate goodbyes 😭

I REALLY WISH I COULD BE OF ANY HELP ANON BUT TWO YEARS LATER IM STILL MOURNING VICE VERSA LIKE IT ENDED YESTERDAY SO. I MAY NOT BE THE BEST PERSON FOR THIS ;;;;;;;;;;

it's always hard getting to the end of a story and having to say goodbye to it, especially if we enjoyed it a lot and it was important to us. i think for me, and in vice versa's case in particular, there were two main things that helped me out dealing with its loss

one of them was the fact that i was perfectly satisfied with the way it ended, both when it comes to the main series and the our skyy special, so there was a sense of closure that, for example, i don't feel with last twilight. it's not like there aren't things that i still wish we could have seen about puentalay, but when i think about them i have this firm belief that they are together, and they are happy, and that it's gonna be like this for the rest of their life, so i feel at peace, however silly that may sound

the other thing that helped me out a lot was keeping the show alive. vice versa doesn't have a very big fandom, even now that jimmysea's popularity has grown a lot, but that never stopped me from just screaming into the void about the show and puentalay, and i've been lucky enough to have people scream back at me from time to time, and that did help me reframe the feeling of loss, because no matter what, i will always have this show. i can still watch it. there might not be more of it, but at the same time nothing can take it away. i still have the things it taught me, and the happiness it keeps giving me, and the bonding i've had with people over it

so, yeah. tl;dr: i guess my best advice would be to keep the show alive. talk about it, make up headcanons for the characters, organize a rewatch party, read fanfictions, create a playlist...... just keep yourself involved with the story while you allow yourself the time to process the ending, and know that the show is still gonna be there for you if you ever needed it again

[stardustedknuckles]

It's been so long since I've had to exist within a group of people consistently over many days and damn, I nearly forgot I was autistic. I found out yesterday that though I get along with almost everyone at work, most of my coworkers thought I was a huge bitch who hated everyone for a little bit (and one still does, which is how this whole thing came up at all). I was bewildered like. No I'm very often dizzy or in a bit of pain and I'm very focused on taking care of the dogs but I'm not - I don't dislike any of you? I've never been mad at you, you guys thought I was mad?? Just an alarming disconnect between the way I see myself and the way I come off to others. I have never once gotten the hang of behaving like a regular person, but it appears that time has taken me from "generally silly person with an offbeat sense of humor who doesn't take things seriously" to "stoic hardass who doesn't like you and thinks you're stupid also." I did not authorize this change. It's throwing me for a loop. I feel like I'm 6 again being told to stop talking over people's heads because I just learned a new big word and I wanted to use and share it. I like assholes with a heart of gold in media. I don't want to be one??