#so yeah. next movie my prediction is that he will die a horrible death and his partner that betrayed toretto will be his gay lover

[hauntingblue]

I watched fast and furious against my will and I thought jason momoa was serving cunt (he was) but then I heard "oh... the faggot" behind me and I if someone was queercoding the villains in the year of our lord 2023 I guess it would be fast and furious

[blackypanther9]

Hey, how is everything going? How are you doing?

I will explain it a bit better, because here I don't have a limit.

The funeral of my Great Grandpa is in April. They need 10 days to prepare everything and my Mom then has her birthday and at a birthday you can't have a funeral. So yee.

The parents of my Mother are annoying us. They were gone for years even before I was born they abandoned my Great Grandparents, because my Mother's Mother hated them and the house and now she is after the money... I hate her and the rest. And they are also dumb as hell, so yeah. I am questioning how my Ma relates to them, because she is very smart and they are stupid...

As I said in the comment before, I feel fine for a few seconds and want to do stuff and then in the next second I feel like I am dying on the inside for hours or even days.

I didn't even get to say goodbye...

I don't really sleep a lot because of it. We have to worry a lot about the property now. We have to take care of everything now.

I feel terribly sleepy most the time, but can't really sleep. I can't bring myself to write anything and we are all pretty down and worrying about a lot of stuff.

We also found out why he died and how. It wasn't necessarily the Lung Infection he had, but he was dry. He was totally dried out and it seemed he didn't drink anything for 2 weeks or so.

Weirdly enough these 2 weeks he probably didn't drink anything, was when Kursana said his station was under lockdown because of COVID.

And knowing them, they didn't take care of him at all. I mean come on. There were so many times of evidence that they don't care about their patients.

A lot of people died there like flies. I feel horrible for ever putting him there and not being able to get him out again. Mom hit it the worst...

He tried to tell her something, but because he was so dry, he couldn't move his tongue and just made sounds... She is questioning everything.

What did he want to say ?

Are his Son and Wife proud of her that she took care of him ?

Was it too little ?

Are they mad at her ?

Is Great Grandpa disappointed in her ?

And hearing her the whole time crying and being busy with that, I start dying on the inside even more...

It may sound crazy, but I practically predicted my Great Grandparents' deaths. I dreamt my Great Grandma dying thanks to multi organ failure and I saw Grandpa die and whispering he is sorry. I thought if I don't say anything this time, it won't happen, but it did !

It is killing me on the inside and I don't know how to cope with it. If I would have said something and acted at that time it could have been avoided. I had a feeling that it will happen what I dreamt, but I hoped it was just some dumb dream that doesn't come true.

I know it sounds crazy, but I ain't lying. I SAW and KNEW what could happen and at the same time...I didn't understand it at all. My dreams about their deaths were way more horrifying than how it did happen. That was why I thought a nightmare and nothing else, but it wasn't like that and it kills me for being an utter idiot.

I am trying to get better and watch movies or read a lot, just to slip away from reality for a while and be in my own world.

I know it sounds heartless how I cope with everything, but I don't know how else to cope with it.

My one play buddy never has time to distract me with a few rounds of Phasmophobia and goofing around in the game and my other best friend didn't reply to me for one or 2 days, so I guess their parents took their phone or something like that... I legit have no one to actually talk with right now.

So I need another way to distract myself.

I hope no one is mad at me for not being able to write for now. I hope you all are doing well too. And I hope that I will be better soon...

The last funeral was for my Great Grandma and I was grieving for 4 or 5 months and missed a lot in school because of it. I was just trapped with my own emotions and thoughts and mentally I broke down a lot.

Let us hope with my Grandpa it won't be a fall back to that. And no, my Mother doesn't know that I had this whole shit. In her eyes I was emotionless.

And I probably am again...

There is just a lot that is busying me right now. A lot of passed events come flooding back, not good ones, after my Great Grandma died and what my Ma and I argued about shortly after, how I was so distant from my Great Grandparents lately, because they always argued about stuff and I wanted to escape... There is a lot I regret.

I need to find a way back somehow. I just don't see it right now. I'll be fine one day though and then the stories will float in like crazy.

Have a good day/night y'all.

[theladyofdeath]

Kinky Cliché {Nessian}

31 Days of Halloween: Day 19.

All installments co-written with @snelbz​

Based on a prompt sent in by anon :  "”Is it too cliche to visit a cemetery on halloween?" For nessian pleaseeee“

Warning: language, sex.

Autumn/Halloween 2020 {Collection}

It was Halloween and Nesta sat on the couch, watching a scary movie for the tenth time that week. It wasn’t that it wasn’t a good movie or that she didn’t like Halloween.

She loved Halloween, and for that reason, she watched scary movies year round. So her favorites, as great as they were, had become predictable. And since they were the original great scary movies, all scary movies tried to be like them.

She sighed, just as Cassian walked into the living room from the hallway, freshly showered after a long day of patrol. “That was a big sigh,” he noted, heading into the kitchen and grabbing two beers. “What are you thinking about?”

“Is it too cliché to visit a cemetery on Halloween?” She asked, pausing her movie.

The movement in the kitchen paused. “No, but it is illegal.” She heard the fridge door reopen and closed and then he reappeared.

Nesta noted he didn’t have the beers in his hands anymore. She snorted. “No, it’s not.”

He sat down next to her. “Most cemeteries are on private property. That’s illegal to trespass on, no matter what day of the year it is.”

She pursed her lips and thought for a minute. “What about a community cemetery? That’s owned by the city? The parks owned by the city are ‘open’ all night.”

He opened his mouth to reply, but paused. His brow furrowed. “I guess you’re right.”

“So I ask again,” she said, turning towards him, her eyes bright, “Is it too cliché to go to a cemetery on Halloween?”

Cassian shot her an amused look. “Is this your coy way of asking me to get dressed so we can go to a cemetery?” 

“I’m tired of watching movies,” was her reply.

Cassian gasped. “Did those words really just come out of your mouth?” 

She rolled her eyes. “Come on. I’m getting my boots, putting on my coat, taking a shot of whiskey, then we’re going.”

Cassian watched her as she stood up and got to work on that list. 

With a sigh, he followed her lead. If it involved Nesta Archeron and a shot of whiskey, he couldn’t say no.

Before leaving, he decided to take one as well, after looking up the closest cemetery not on private property.

Nesta had just pulled a knitted beanie with a big black pom pom on her head when Cassian walked out of their bathroom and snorted. “Real spooky, babe.”

She glared at him in the dresser mirror.

He held up his hands in surrender and said, “So there’s an old cemetery from the Great War about half a mile away from town, it’s behind that great big church on 4th Avenue.”

She turned, her eyes lit up. “So it’s super old?”

“That thought should not excite you,” he said, shaking his head. “Yes, at least five hundred years. And the people buried there died horrible, violent deaths.”

Nesta actually squealed. “Let’s go.”

She grabbed his hand and was dragging him through their apartment.

Cassian didn’t even bother to try and protest. Before he knew it, they were in his Jeep, driving quickly to the outskirts of town. 

Nesta was excited enough for both of them, and even though Cassian tried to match that excitement, he couldn’t stop himself from yawning as they drove through the dark night.

“I think it’s up there,” Nesta said, pointing to the iron gate coming up on their right. Cassian turned, and illuminated in the headlights were countless headstones. 

Before the Jeep was even put in park, Nesta was opening her door and jumping out. Cassian couldn’t help but chuckle at her excitement. Nesta rarely became excited about such things, but every Halloween, especially when it came to the creepy and spooky, it was like she was a kid on Christmas morning. She had endless joy thrumming through her bones.

He grabbed the couple of flashlights and spare batteries he’d thought to toss in his pocket on the way out the door and followed her. Sure enough, the gate was unlocked and Nesta was attempting to get it open when Cassian came up behind her. He flicked on one of the flashlights, helping her see the ancient patching mechanism and she turned around and blew him a kiss. With a heavy thunk!, the iron gate creaked open and Cass handed Nesta a flashlight.

It was like watching a kid with free rein in a candy store.

The headstones were in good shape, considering their age. They found quite a few where time and the elements had worn away the details of the person laid to rest there, but most were at least legible.

“Baby, look this guy died on Elain’s birthday!” She said, pointing her beam of light at the headstone. 

He did the mental math in his head and said, “Yeah, just five hundred and sixty four years before.”

She shoved him. “It’s a fun coincidence, hush.”

“Fun?” He asked, chuckling. “I love you, but you have a fucked up interpretation of fun.”

“Yeah, well-.”

They both froze as they heard a noise from deeper in the cemetery. Cassian couldn’t decide if it was a moan, weak scream, or growl. Honestly, he didn’t like the prospect of any of the three.

“What was that?” Nesta whispered, angling herself behind Cassian.

Cassian had stilled. “I...don’t know.”

He took a step forward but Nesta was grabbing him by the back of his shirt. “What are you doing?”

Cassian blinked. “What do you mean? I’m going to look at what’s making the big, scary noise.”

“Seriously?” Nesta hissed. “Have you never watched a horror movie?”

“Yes, many,” Cassian grumbled. “Thanks to you.” 

“Then you know not to go toward what’s making the noise,” she snapped.

Said noise sounded again, and Cassian and Nesta were back to going perfectly still. 

“Does it…is someone fucking in the graveyard?” Cassian whispered.

“What?” Nesta asked, quietly. She hadn’t even considered having sex in a cemetery and that was saying something. “Why would-?”

Again, they heard the noise and it seemed to be getting louder.

“That was definitely a moan, and it didn’t sound ghostly to me,” Cass said, forging ahead.

They followed the sound, passing another entrance to the graveyard, where they found a black car, with a crescent moon hanging from the rear view mirror. Cass shined his flashlight towards it. “Does that car look familiar?”

“It just looks like a black car, come on,” she said, looking around and tugging on his hand.

He paused and she turned to look at him. The smirk on his face was positively wicked.

“Are you scared, Nesta Archeron?”

“No,” she said, far too quickly.

“They’re fucking in a public space, I’m a cop, it’s my duty to do some ass-kicking,” he said, simply.

“And if they’re not having sex?” Nesta asked, a brow raised.

Cassian shrugged. “Then we die.” 

With that, he took another few steps along, dragging Nesta with him. They made it closer to the car, but no one was inside. 

The moaning came again and Cassian turned around, dragging a nervous Nesta toward the edge of the cemetery, toward a line of trees.

Where they saw two figures, one pressed up against the trunk of a tree, in quite the compromising position.

“Hey!” Cassian yelled. “Feet on the ground, hands up where I can see them!”

The man backed off the woman and looked over his shoulder.

Cassian froze.

“Cass?”

“Rhys?”

“Nesta?”

Nesta’s hands flew over her eyes, “Feyre, my gods!”

Cassian began to howl, while Nesta turned around and the other two resituated their clothing.

“What are you doing out here?” Feyre asked, her cheeks still tinged with pink, from what they were caught doing or out of embarrassment from what they were caught doing, she didn’t know.

“This one wanted to visit a cemetery on Halloween,” Cassian hooked a thumb over at Nesta, who looked like she wished she’d never made the suggestion.

“It’s Halloween?” Rhys asked, and Feyre elbowed him in the ribs.

“Yep, us too,” she said, quickly.

“You didn’t know it was Halloween?” Nesta asked, looking at the two of them. Rhys shrugged. “Then why were you have sex in a cemetery?”

“She was giving me road head on the way home from dinner and I didn’t want to wait fifteen more minutes to be inside of her,” Rhys explained.

“Rhys!” Feyre said, covering her face.

Nesta gagged. “I could have lived my entire life without knowing that fact.”

Cassian laughed even louder, his hands on his knees, unable to keep himself upright. 

“How funny would it be,” Cassian began, between bursts of laughter, “if I arrested you two, and hauled you in?” He was nearly crying. “I mean, that would be a damn good holiday.” 

Nesta rolled her eyes. “You can’t arrest my sister and her husband for being weird and kinky on a creepy holiday…no matter how horrified I am.”

“On that note, we’re gonna go,” Rhys smirked, wrapping an arm around Feyre. “We were kind of in the middle of something before we were so rudely interrupted-.”

“You’re in a public cemetery,” Cassian said, still laughing.

“We’ll see you at Az and Elain’s tomorrow night for dinner!” He hollered back, heading for the car.

“I’m texting him about this right now,” Cassian yelled, pulling out his phone.

Rhys just held up his middle finger as he closed Feyre’s door and rounded the car to his side.

By the time Cassian finished his text message, their taillights were nearly out of sight and he said, “Well, that was fun. Ready to head home?”

Nesta smirked and said, “Not yet.” She took his hand and led him back into the cemetery, walking just a little farther than they had when they finally figured out the noises.

“Would you really arrest someone for having sex in a public cemetery?” Nesta asked, sitting on a stone bench they’d stumbled upon.

“Of course, I would,” he said, turning to look around himself with the flashlight. “It’s illegal, Nes. Public indecency and all that.” This place was huge. The headstones went as far as he could see.

“Would you arrest me?” She asked from behind him.

“Of course not, baby,” he turned back around to face her. “But you’d never-.”

His mouth dried out as he found Nesta sitting topless on the bench. He hadn’t even heard her unzip her jacket, but there it was, piled up on the bench with her sweater and bra.

He groaned, his eyes lingering. “You’re going to make me break the law, aren’t you?” 

“I’m not asking you to do anything,” she crooned, flipping her hair over her shoulder so that her breasts were on full display. “I’m just sitting here, in the cemetery, with my husband...” 

“Is it possible to be completely freaked out while being equally turned on?” Cassian asked, taking slow steps toward her.

“On Halloween? Absolutely,” she said, her grin making his toes curl.

Cassian turned the flashlight off before plopping down next to Nesta and pulling her onto his lap. 

Unlike her sister and brother-in-law, no one interrupted them.

[p-artsypants]

Longest Night (39) Remembering

I just want to say thank you to everyone for their reviews. I can’t respond to all of you because I just don’t have the words. But thank you! I read each and every one, and they keep me going when times are rough. Over all, reviews have been kind. I was expecting some ‘omg you’re a terrible person and I hope you die’ but that never came. You guys are just awesome and I appreciate you so so much!

I didn’t expect this story to be so long, and I’m kind of losing steam to pump it out so fast. I’ll finish it of course, but some chapters take time to figure out what’s happening. I have most of the story planned out, but the ‘when’s and ‘how’s are a little fuzzy. You guys have been very patient and I appreciate it. I just wanted to keep you informed. I think you all deserve it.

Ao3 | FF.net

—

You would think that since Adrien and Marinette were finally allowed to be together, things would be smooth sailing.

But it wasn’t. It was awkward.

Which was completely unfair in fact. She was finally with Adrien, but never alone. And he couldn’t talk. They were just out of arms reach from the other, and even if he could speak, what would they even talk about? Small talk? Surely not about the time in the catacombs.

Did he know what she did? Did he remember being an akuma? Did he know how they got out?

So many days passed in that room in silence. They watched feel-good movies one after the other. Nino and Alya would come to visit and share stories of uplifting things that had happened.

They learned of their trending hashtag. They watched the interviews with Nadja. And they got to watch the benefit concert.

“All that money was put into a fund for you guys,” Alya explained. “That way, you don’t have to worry about supporting yourselves. You are taken care of for life!”

On one hand, yes. Wonderful. Finding work and going back to school were two things that Marinette was afraid of doing, afraid of failing at. Like two giant boulders she’d have to pick away at with a tiny hammer. So to know they had a large safety net was a relief.

On the other hand, it was kind of disgusting. They were real people being tortured, with no granted privacy. Everyone had seen both of them naked, in their most vulnerable moments of weakness, crying, panicking, even hallucinating. And people were just watching it. And they got invested and wanted to know more, like they were characters in a show and not people actually suffering!

Taking donations? Fine.

But making a concert out of them like some sort of spectacle? Disgusting.

Watching the interviews, it became apparent that everyone knew about Marinette’s debilitating crush on Adrien. How awkward she was around him, how she embarrassed herself.

There was a reason she had a secret identity. So that Marinette would be safe. Marinette and her family.

What did she have left of her own?

“What was the point of that?” She asked as Jagged’s ‘Exit Music’ faded out.

“Girl, it’s a benefit concert.” Alya quirked her head to the side, like she had no idea what was wrong.

“The benefit of who?”

“Of you two, of course. What else would it be?”

“Did you plan this?”

“Well…yeah? Most of it. It was Jagged Stone’s idea though.”

“Did you pat yourself on the back afterwards? Thought you picked a bunch of really vulnerable moments to really drive the emotion up?”

“What? N-no…”

“You know what I saw? A bunch of people singing a bunch of useless songs to make themselves feel better. What was even the goal? To bring awareness to our suffering?”

Alya huffed. “Don’t be like this, Marinette. Jagged brought the idea to us because there was nothing else he could do. He’s a musician. So he wanted to play music to help you somehow. I’m sorry that my video choices upset you. I thought they were funny and captured the person you are outside the suit. I wanted others to see that person.”

Marinette didn’t have a response to that.

“And you know what? Maybe we did want to feel better. What good does it do anyone if we all sat around feeling hopeless?”

“Yeah, like I didn’t know how that felt.”

Alya exhaled hard. “That’s not what I’m saying. If everyone lost hope, who would even bother to save you? If there was no chance?”

Marinette glared at her. “Well, I hope Hawkmoth really enjoyed the concert, since he was the only helpful one.”

“He wasn’t—“ Alya growled, but bit her lip. “You know what? It’s not my place. I’m sorry. I legitimately didn’t know this would hurt you.”

Marinette turned her gaze away. “I’m sorry for snapping. Thank you for putting the concert on.”

“Nah girl, you can thank Jagged when he comes to visit. He was really worried. And you might thank Luka too.”

“I’ll try.”

—

For his own part, Gabriel was practicing the art of holding his tongue. Some moments it was difficult, but he had to tell himself it was an emotional response to seeing his only son in pain.

In this time of quiet observation, he watched Marinette and Adrien, studying the changes in behavior. Noting was setting them off in anger, and what they were okay with. His goal in the next several months was to push those boundaries.

There was no reason for Adrien to hiss at nurses that were touching Marinette.

Besides this, he was also trying to consolidate Chat Noir and Adrien, and Marinette and Ladybug. It had been a chore since the beginning, but it was still so hard to piece together.

And now with their changes in personalities, it was impossible.

He hadn’t really known Marinette. The few times he met her, he’d describe her as small. Timid, shy, unable to have eye-contact, and incredibly clumsy. From Adrien and Lila, he learned that she had a lot of people that trusted her and was easily liked.

Ladybug on the other hand, demanded attention and respect with her very presence. She exuded confidence that he had found annoying, if not respectable. Though they had been enemies, she was certainly a formidable opponent. Calm, calculating, and creative.

New Marinette was none of these things. Closed off, bitter, quiet, and volatile. Words were like pouring salt on her bare back, some grains fell in open wounds, and it was impossible to predict what would set her off.

Adrien used to be polite, graceful, and wore his emotions on his sleeves, no matter how hard he tried otherwise.

Chat Noir was obnoxious, reckless, and larger than life. He came off as a goofball, but Hawkmoth could tell he took his duties seriously.

New Adrien was impossible to read. Silent, watching, calculating. Completely stoic unless someone touched Marinette. There was no way to tell how he was coping, other than to assume he wasn’t.

The doctor was right, they were unrecognizable.

The only saving grace was the softening gaze Adrien had when looking at Marinette. She was the only thing that seemed to pull him out of his abyss.

“Good morning,” Dr. Boucher stated early one day. Adrien was awake, but Marinette was still sleeping.

“Good morning,” Gabriel returned for his son.

“Well, things are going great, I’m really thrilled with the progress both of them are making. We’ve avoided every complication, quite Miraculously. So I was hoping to do one more procedure on Adrien while he’s still admitted.”

Adrien glanced at the doctor, seemingly listening.

“Your vocal nodules. It’s a really easy procedure, we won’t even put you to sleep. Just numb the area and use a tiny laser to remove the growths. Shouldn’t take too long at all.”

Adrien turned to Marinette, whimpering in the back of his throat.

“I promise you won’t be gone long. Might even be back before she wakes up.”

“I’ll let her know if she does,” Sabine spoke up from Marinette’s side of the room. “You might as well get this done now, Adrien. Then you don’t have to come back.”

“And they’ll only get worse as time goes on.” The doctor added.

Adrien screwed up his lips and gave a stiff nod.

“That’s a good boy.”

—

Marinette awoke to Dr. Boucher speaking. “Now, in order for your vocal cords to fully recover, I don’t want you to speak for two weeks. After that, you can gradually start speaking softly. No yelling for a while. Okay?”

Marinette raised her head to see the doctor was talking to Adrien.

“What’s going on?” She asked.

“See, I told you you’d be back before she woke up.” The doctor smiled. “We just got done removing Adrien’s vocal nodules, so he should be able to speak within the next few weeks.”

“That’s wonderful.” She said softly.

“And how are you feeling?” He asked her.

She frowned. “Gross. I want to take a bath.”

He smiled. “Well, I’m afraid you can’t. But we can give you a sponge bath and wash your hair.”

Oh.

Oh.

Huh.

What a strange trigger.

One moment, she was safe in the hospital, the next, she was standing in the rain, a deranged Chat Noir next to her. They were looking in the window of a salon. Then she was in a chair, staring at her own horrible perverse reflection.

“Can I wash your hair? Give you a trim? It might make you feel better.”

And then…

Blood. Everywhere. Salo’s lifeless face dissolving into ash. Gunshots ringing in her ears. Adrenaline pumping. Bodies of her tormentors laying all around her.

And Chat smiling with blood in his mouth.

“Marinette?”

Alya’s little sisters hiding and crying. Chloe, terrified and cowering against a shelf. A man dangling over the edge of a building by his neck. Dozens of men being eviscerated, torn to shreds. A whole building worth of angry thugs laying on the floor and writhing in pain.

“Marinette!”

Bodies hanging from the Arch de Triomphe. A fight with Hawkmoth, and Chloe, and Nino.

“Alya!” Her own voice screamed. “Come out and face me! Face judgement for your neglect and betrayal!”

Over and over. Blood. Screams. Death.

Because of them.

Because of her.

A stern hand grabbed her arm. “Speak to me Marinette, what hurts?” The doctor was speaking, but Marinette wasn’t listening.

She turned to look at Adrien, who was only staring at her wide-eyed, tears of his own streaming down his face.

Gabriel was right there with him. “He’s upset too. What did you do?”

“I don’t know! I thought a sponge bath was a fine idea!”

Marinette was reading the look on Adrien’s face wrong. Her own anxieties fed her lies and told her that the fear she was seeing was directed towards her.

And to be honest, she was a little afraid of him too.

He had torn out throats with his teeth, and then laughed about it. He had enjoyed their murder spree.

And so had she. Justice, she said. They were setting things right. Doing what others were too cowardly to do.

But violent revenge wasn’t that far off from what Salo had been after.

In fact, theirs had been much much worse.

“I’m just like her…” Marinette sobbed. “I’m just like Salo.”

“Honey no.” Sabine demanded. “Absolutely not.”

“I’m not an idiot!” She choked. “I know what I did! I know the whole story! I remember all of it! I’m disgusting!” And she turned away. Away from her family, away from Adrien.

But she stood firmly facing her guilt.

It was a veil being lifted. A fog rolling back to reveal memories that were aching to be noticed. Deep primal instincts that thundered inside. There was no ignoring it, and it was only a matter of time before the truth became known.

“I can’t take this,” stated Tom, who had been quiet since Marinette awoke. In quick strides, he was across the room and scooping his daughter up into his arms.

Marinette allowed him, and clung to his shirt as she wailed. Sabine came up behind her and petted her hair patiently, silently.

Adrien had his back turned from them, and trembled in his horrified shock.

How could he?

How could he be so cruel and demented? How could he enjoy murdering? With his bare hands no less?

Was he so loyal to Ladybug that he’d kill for her? She hadn’t even asked him to. Was he so depraved that that felt like the right thing to do?

He was a monster. An absolute monster.

Shakily, he took off his Miraculous and tossed it blindly, hearing it ping against the linoleum.

He didn’t deserve to be a hero. He didn’t deserve to live.

“Adrien,” Gabriel said as he crouched next to him. “You should hold onto this.” The ring rested in his palm.

Adrien shook his head, burying his face in his pillow.

Gabriel watched his son sink into himself, swallowed into a dark abyss. One he feared he’d never make it out of. But how was he supposed to help? A pat on the head? ‘There there’? Comfort was so out of realm of his expertise.

Still, there was hope for him yet if he realized there was a problem and wanted to fix it. Looking to the Dupain-Cheng’s, he found Marinette snuggled against her father. The scene was so sweet if he hadn’t known the context.

Gabriel looked to Dr. Boucher. “Can he be moved?”

“Uh, yes. I think that’d be alright.”

Coming around to the other side, Gabriel slid an arm under Adrien’s waist and forced him to sit up.

His head flopped forward and rested on Gabriel’s collar bone.

“Come on, Adrien, it’s alright.”

But Adrien just sobbed against him.

“Adrien,” Tom stated firmly. “Come here, son.” And he held out his hand.

Adrien lifted his head, his chest rising and falling with erratic breath. He looked Tom in the eyes, trailing down to his outstretched hand. That was something he wholeheartedly didn’t deserve.

“You can go,” Gabriel assured. “It’s okay.”

After a split second of hesitation, Adrien staggered to his feet and fell the last few feet to reach Marinette’s bed. Tom caught him before he hit the ground and swept him up onto his lap.

There were tears, there was repentance, and shame. It lasted far too long as the 12 hours of memories roared like a debilitating hurricane in their minds.

And then soon, it started to feel good to cry. It wasn’t great. It was exhausting and draining, but in a good way, like after running a race.

“You remember how it ended, don’t you?” Sabine asked softly. “You gave me your earrings, and I did Miraculous Cure. They’re all okay now. Maybe a little scared and confused, but they’re alive.”

Marinette sighed with a shutter. “I have to apologize.”

“If it will help. But I’m sure they understand and don’t hold it against you.”

Gabriel mimicked Sabine’s comforting motions on his son. “You were both akumatized. You know better than anyone else that akumas are irrational. They embody the very emotion they felt when they are transformed.”

“You remember when I turned into Weredad?” Asked Tom. “I trapped you in a tower, and beat up Chat Noir. You know I’d never do that. I want to protect you, but I also want you to enjoy life and make your own decisions. It was irrational.”

“And you remember when Nonna turned into Befana?” Asked Sabine. “She wanted to hurt you, Marinette. And she turned your father into coal. Grandma would never want to hurt you.”

“You see Marinette,” Gabriel continued. “A lot of akuma’s hurt, and some even kill. They petrify, and turn people to ice cream. But life goes on. Paris heals. You are just unfortunate enough to remember it.”

“Why?” Marinette whispered. “Why did we remember?”

Gabriel frowned. “I think Hawkmoth might be the only one to know the answer.”

“But that’s something to worry about later,” Sabine interjected. “You have plenty of emotions to sort through as of right now.”

Marinette nodded sagely and wiped her cheeks.

Then her eyes flicked over to Adrien.

He managed the smallest smile for her, the fear disappearing from his eyes.

It sent a spark to her heart, and her face heated up.

[moonlightmurder]

Robert Mark Steele : The Gentle Giant

Allan Chisholm was the boss of Goulburn Jail when numerous murders happened. When asked if it took a toll on him, he said only one death did and it wasn’t a murder, “Sure it does affect you — watching a man die is not pleasant — but with all of them…well… it was just part of the job. But there was a particular death during my time at Goulburn that stands out. One that really got and one that I am still saddened by now.“

“Hey you, retard,” the inmate yelled, throwing a handful of food slop.

“Yeah, you, dumb shit,” he continued to bully as the leftover meat and veggies slid down the target’s spine. “You giant piece of spastic shit. I’m going to hurt you. Hurt you real bad.“

Backed by a posse of tattooed arms and battle-scarred heads, the big-mouthed man stepped in. His leading left crashed into chin. His right, the enforcer’s trusted knock-out blow, slammed into temple.

The ‘giant piece of spastic shit’ shook his head. “Don’t make me hurt you,” he said. “I don’t want to have to hurt you. No trouble, please.“

The prison heavy went red with rage.

A body shot this time.

Wrong.

The giant wrapped his hands around the attacker’s neck, and with nothing more that a flick of his wrists and should twitch, he lifted the prisoner into the air.

“I told you!” the giant screamed.

The force of the blow that followed knocked the name-calling, food-throwing man out cold.

“He never hurt anyone unless he had to,” recalled Chislom of Robert Mark Steele, a man imprisoned for his role in five murders.

“Only one that I can recall. He was a bit like the guy from the movie The Green Mile — a gentle giant who looked like a killer. He was simple but kind, and could have destroyed anyone in the jail but didn’t. He was that sort of inmate. I really had a soft spot for him, and I don’t think he should have even been in jail.“

March 1993,

The rays of the rising summer sun, hot enough to wring steam from the damp grass, could not drive the evil away.

The light did not deter the devil.

“I ain’t going out without a fight,” said self-described sociopath Leonard Leabeater, surrounded by police in a Hanging Rock  Station farmhouse at Cangai, New South Wales. “I’m going to make sure they kill me.“

He hugged the shotgun like a teddy bear as he reflected on the two hostages he had just released : Trevor Lasserre, 11, and his sister, Tonia, 6.

“I don’t kill people under 12,” he boasted. “I’d rather be in South Australia killing cops.“

Leabeater had let the children go shortly after fellow fugitive Raymond Basset surrendered himself to police; the 25-year-old wasn’t ready to die. The third murderer, Robert Steele, 22, stayed with Leabeater even after the children had been released. Like Bassett, he didn’t want to be shot down in a hail of bullets, but he couldn’t leave the man who had taken him in, either. Steele believed Leabeater was the religious prophet of the spirit Astra. He had followed Leabeater, who foretold that his own death would come when he was killed by a warlock, without question. But with the death he predicted drawing near — it would later be revealed he told his sister he would die on an altar on the fourth month of 1993 — Leabeater instructed his loyal follower to leave. He told him to walk towards the light.

At 6am Steele strolled from the farmhouse, calmly smoking a Winfield Red, and handed himself over to police.

But Leabeater remained in the dark. The fresh sun, the threatening guns and the pleas driven through police-issue PAs not stopping him from claiming one last life — his own.

After a 26-hour siege, the nine-day rampage that saw Leabeater, Bassett and Steel kill five people was finally over. Leabeater’s body was found lying on a blood-soaked bed, a half-smoked cigarette still gripped between his fingers.

A shotgun was lying next to the remains of his head.

Bassett and Steele were charged with the murders of a pregnant 14-year old, whose charred remains were found on a Queensland farm; three miners, all shot in the head and two thrown from a cliff; and a helicopter mechanic murdered near Mount Isa.

Bassett was given two life sentences for the shocking crime. Steele received five life sentences plus 12 years without the possibility of parole.

The giant Steele, 130kg of bulk and brawn, was sent to Goulburn Jail. That’s where he pulled out a packet of Winfield Reds and offered it to the boss.

“I smoked Marlboros, and he looked at them and told me they were no good,” recalled Chisholm. “He offered me his whole pack. I remember that because no one in prison had ever offered me anything, and smokes were a very big deal to them. They are like gold in prison. That was the first time I saw his good heart.“

The next time Chisholm saw the giant’s kindness was when he reluctantly flipped the bully.

“A crook was picking on him,” Chisholm said. “He was a heavy and he was giving Steele heaps because he was simple. The guy was in high-security because he was a handful; someone who couldn’t be contained elsewhere. He was a tough bloke, but he picked out Steele. It was a huge mistake. Steele upended him and knocked him out with a single blow. He could have kept on going, but he walked away. He didn’t hurt him more that he had to, and I was there soon after the fight. He was apologizing. ‘It’s not my fault, chief. He was picking on me. I’m sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry. I didn’t mean to hurt him so bad,’ he said.”

Chisholm knew Steele was telling the truth. “He could have killed the bloke if he wanted to — and everyone else in the room — with his bare hands. But he was just protecting himself.“

Chisholm found Steele to be incredibly kind but easily led. “He was involved in that hostage thing,” Chisholm said.  “He was involved in the killings and the siege, but it was a cult-type thing and he was very young. I’ll go further than that — to be blunt, he was retarded. He wasn’t all there. He was the youngest, and he was taken advantage of. He was like a big kid who is extremely strong. He believed in what the other two were doing and he did as he was told.“

Chisholm became fascinated with the behemoth man-child.

“I was always in close contact with Steele,” Chisholm said. “And I built a rapport with him, mainly because we initially thought he was going to be such a threat to everyone else in jail and a major problem. But he didn’t hurt officers or anyone else. I would tell him to get back to his cell and he did. I honestly believe he should have not been in jail. He should have been in some psychiatric facility. He was a child trapped in a giant’s body. Yes, he deserved to be punished because of his horrendous crimes, and he couldn’t live in society, but Goulburn wasn’t the place for him, and it would kill him.“

Chisholm got the call on Christmas Eve, 1994.

“He’s dead, boss,” said an officer. “You better come down.”

Steele was on his knees, a twisted blanket the only thing stopping his head from falling onto the cell floor.

“About 12.05 am we got a call to say he had necked himself,” Chisholm said. “He was so big that he had to kneel down and fall forward to get enough tension on the sheet. He had tied it to the cell bars and pulled forward until he was dead. It took us ages to get him out of the cell because he was so big. It was really a horrible thing to see.“

Steele was to spend Christmas in solitary confinement after threatening to go out with a bang.

“I went and saw him on the Christmas Eve because of somme allegations he had made,” Chisholm recalled. “He always said that he was going to go out with something big and that he was going to make headlines. He said he would take officers with him, and that he would do it on Christmas Day. We didn’t think he would harm anyone, but we had to take the threat seriously. He could have cause absolute havoc in the prison. We would not have been able to handle him. It would have taken lots of men to contain him, and there would have been a lot hurt.

So we put him in segregation for the night. We told him no officer was going to go near him because of what he had said. We told him no officer would come, even if he knocked. They would have to call me first, and I would come and see him. He assured me there would be no problem. He seemed absolutely normal.“

The next time Chisholm would see Steele, the prisoner would be dead.

“It was a complete shock. We had no idea he would hurt himself. We were worried about others, not him. It’s the prison death that has affected me the most. It was such a sad tale, and I still think about it now. “

Sources: Australia’s Most Murderous Prison : Behind the Walls of Goulburn Jail and The Sydney Morning Herald.

[blackcatanna]

Okita's Route Part 2: Still on Kyoto Winds because I didn't realise that I'd ramble so much

Predictably, I'm enjoying Okita's route a lot more than Kazama's. Also, I'm skipping a lot less than when I played Kazama and Iba's routes, which makes a lot of sense because Okita is actually in the Shinsengumi and, therefore, gets a lot of screen time. So far, he acts like an asshole but this isn't backed up by his actions. Apart from the casual child cruelty X_X

Chapter, uh, 3? I think...

I feel like Hijikata sticking up for Sanan is just making things worse X_X . Saying that he's not useless because he's a swordsman is just plain wrong. It makes it seem like he's just saying it out of pity. I'm sure that Sanan has plenty to contribute, besides slicing people up.

"Sanan is quite the beloved member here, isn't he? It's nice to see such a tight-knit group." -_- Itou is such a master of shade. Gently implying that they only keep Sanan around because of their relationship. You evil bitch X_X

"Ugh, who brought those bastards into the Shinsengumi?" RIGHT?! Glad to see that Okita's not blindly following Kondou's lead here.

"He is easily deceived by silver tongues, those who appear virtuous... but are real scumbags." As the great Roisin Conaty once said: "Charming is just lube for evil." However, this is kind of backing up what those asshole kids were saying earlier about Kondou being an idiot X_X

SNOOP SNOOP 👀

AH! OKITA CAUGHT ME TALKING TO MYSELF! AGAIN X_X

"Trying to run away behind our backs." -_- You know that's not true.

"Heh, I'm just messing with you." No shit. "I mean, unless you were escaping, then I'll slit your throat." -_- You just couldn't resist the opportunity to throw out another casual death threat, could you?

Is he worried about my safety? I KNOW YOU'RE TRYING TO BE FLIPPANT BUT I SEE THROUGH YOU.

"Good girl." -_-

"It sounded like something out of a fairy tale." Oooooooooh hooooooneeeey... Have you not been paying attention?!

Welp, Okita told me to scream so... AAAIIIIIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!

Oh, apparently, not that... OKITAAAAA! Bet he loved that.

"Aaaaaaaaaaagh!" Everyone, please stop screaming.

Ngl, Sanan looks good with white hair.

Apparently, Okita likes hearing me screaming his name... Good to know...

"Don't worry your little head. It would be my pleasure to help you die." O_O ... Isn't that a little hasty!?!

"You're not serious, are you?" HONEY X_X

"It's really annoying, you know. You think you're part of the Shinsengumi?" </3 Ouch X_X You're the ones who took me prisoner, y'know? However, Chizuru does often act like she's the only one who cares about the Shinsengumi members, which must be annoying af.

"We only keep you alive because you're useful. You are NOT one of us." Uh... Thanks for calling me useful? But is that seriously your attitude? Anyone who's not useful to you should just die? -_-

"His words shattered my already breaking heart." Aw! </3 Poor Chizuru bae!

"Seriously... You can really be a pain, you know that?" RIGHT. BACK. AT. YOU.

"It'd be easier to just kill you," Broken record much?

"Had their last thoughts as men been hope they might survive the madness? It sounded horrible..." YUUUP.

"Sano! Make something up!" Definite DnD vibes again! When you make the low charisma character roll deception X_X

"You're a miserable actor. Keep your mouth shut." I'm sure that this exchange won't seem suspect at all X_X

"Oh, Sanan... Who cares what you are? You're alive!" Bless Kondou's pure and simple heart :')

"Yukimura, you go back to your room. I know you didn't sleep much." Why am I the only person in this game who requires sleep? -_- Just a trend I've noticed...

"*Cough* *Cough*" O_O OKITA, ARE YOU OKAY!??? O_O

"You owe us a lil' booze! Or maybe even, heh, a little... company?" WHERE'S OKITA'S MURDEROUS INSTINCT WHEN YOU NEED IT!?!?

"Suddenly I felt a hand on my arm." BWOOOOOOAAAARP!!! PHYSICAL CONTACT ALARM!!!

"Calm down, kid." ... NO. I HAVEN'T BEEN TOUCHED IN MONTHS.

"Hey hey hey! Looks like she's got the hots for you, Souji!" Oh Heisuke X_X

"No matter what, I won't buy Ishida Medical Powder." XD Got to admire Okita for staying true to his convictions :')

"I'm using the hell out of you" O_o Calm down, Hijikata X_X

Guess I'm going to have to put stalking Okita on hold for now...

Harada and Shiranui should just kiss already.

""Huh? Chizuru?" Okita looked up from cleaning his sword as I entered the hall." OH, HE WAS POLISHING HIS SWORD, EH? ;P YES, I AM TWELVE. Tbf, his face really does look like he's been caught in the act...

"Oh shut up, will you? It's all your fault. The medicine you gave me totally doesn't w..." >:( I'm hoping that the reason that sentence trails off is because I give him a verbal smack down!!

"*Cough* *Cough*" O_O WELL, I GUESS NOW I CAN'T CALL HIM A CUNT!

BLOOD O_O

"It's nothing." ... BOI!!

This game is totally a forcing-stubborn-men-to-rest simulator X_X

"I'd been given instructions to stay away" from the physical examinations but ho's gotta ho', amirite?!

"Oh my... So you WANT to see those savages? What peculiar taste..." Itou, don't call me out like this. Although, I still feel like we should respect their privacy X_X

"Oh! Oh..." ALRIGHT, YOU THIRSTY BITCH, CALM DOWN.

*Camera zooms in on Nagakura's tiddies* -_-

"Your body's fine, Shin." - Heisuke.

"Don't you wanna order a slice of this beef cake? I got two meaty servings on a plate, right here." Aaaaaagh! X_X My eeeeyyyeees.... Can't... un-read... sentence... please... fetch.... brain... bleach...

"A medical exam is for finding problems, not showing off. Now move." PREACH, SAITO!!!

"I feel like it's rude to intrude..." AND YET HERE WE ARE X_X

"It grants immortality" ??? Except for the part where you turn to ash???

"You're forcing your body in ways the eyes can't see." LISTEN TO THE DOCTOR, GUYS!!!

Everyone's just... RIPPING Takeda to shreds XD

"I'm scared shitless, believe me." :'( Poor Okita

No smart comments here... this is just really sad :'(

He's seen me? It's been nice knowing y'all...

Finally, Chizuru calls out Okita for threatening to kill her so much.

"Desist, you hooligans!" Sen is such a Queen! I want a Sen route!

Chizuru and Sen standing up to these arseholes is giving me LIFE! :') PREACH, GIRLS, PREACH!!!

"What were you going to do if they hurt you gravely?" Regenerate, biatch! >:)

"C'mon, was she that pretty?" UM, YES. But I think that she gives off too much of a domme vibe to be Okita's type :P

Chizuru is getting VERY distracted by Okita's hair. You know those scenes in movies where the woman takes down her hair and it's all slow motion and super sexy? This series has a lot of that. Plus when they get their Western makeovers :')

"That's funny... You don't LOOK like an especially nosy, hand-wringing version of my mother." XD I mean, -_- That totally wasn't hilarious.

"I grabbed his towel and began to scrub his head." ... We totally are his mother X_X

"I feel like I remember a time when you were nice and quiet..." NOT ANYMORE, BITCH! AND NOW, I'M ARMED WITH A TOWEL >:)

"You're really good with your hands." O_o ... What?

"You tied your hair up so quickly..." Why don't you show me what else you can do with them? ;)

Now he wants to know what I think of his hair? :/

OMG, HE'S TRYING TO COPY KONDOU'S HAIR XD I HAVE NO WORDS (for once)

Oh, you're surprised that I kept my promise? I'll have you know that I am an honourable woman, good sir! >:/

But Chizuru's claiming to only have done it out of fear of being sliced and diced? :/Uh, sure?

Chapter 4:

"They're small potatoes." This game has some excellent phrases in it X_X

Itou wanting to change the Shinsengumi uniform because it's not "fashionable" enough is the kind of genius that I'd expect from this game's most relatable character :') Although, I personally think that the blue uniforms are pretty <3

Awe, Chizuru thinks that Okita's joking about killing Itou :')

Kaoru just VERY BLATANTLY giving away that he was involved in the notice board incident X_X

:O I'm slightly jealous to discover that Okita's casual death threats aren't just reserved for me!

I get the sense that Okita knows that Kaoru's a boy but I'm sure that it wouldn't stop him if Kaoru was really a girl. Hooray for gender equality!

"I felt embarrassed for even doubting her for a second," O_e SERIOUSLY??!??

We're just going to let him go now!?!

Now Okita's having a coughing fit D: It was so stupid to run off and make him come after us :(

"What if she had accomplices nearby" GOOD. POINT. Chizuru would be so easy to lure into a trap X_X

"Without me around, you're just a useless kid." But I have a great personality! So, together, we almost make one complete, functioning adult :)

"Stop being so timid." I wish that I had that power :'(

"You can rely on us when you need to." Aweee! ^_^

"even compared to the weakest Shinsengumi foot soldier, I was pathetic." HEY. STOP THAT. WHAT DID I SAY? GREAT. PERSONALITY.

"Did you need something?" "Blood." O_O AH. Well, at least he doesn't beat about the bush! O_O

"What the hell? That's a little cold of you, having that pass for a good-bye, isn't it?" YEAH! :'( MIKI IS RIGHT! </3 :(

"Saburo. Watch your mouth." I'm sure that Miki is sad when Itou dies but 90% of their interactions are Itou telling Miki to shut up. X_X

"Is... Is that okay?" NO. IT IS NOT OKAY. SAITO AND HEISUKE ARE LEAVING, ALONG WITH LITTLE PIECES OF MY HEART. D'X

"would that mean I could never see them again?" *sobs*

"We're going to keep relations amicable between our two organisations." AHAHAHAHAHA HA.

"Okita...?" "... Hm? Damn." Uh, nice to see you, too?

"Next time we run into 'em, we'll probably have to kill each other." O_O Don't be so flippant, you ass :'(

"Swords don't think" damn, I didn't realise that you were sword-kin. Everyone thinks and has feelings. I'm sure that no power could convince Okita to kill Kondou.

"Takeda also left" and not one single fuck was given. :')

Just going to ignore Okita making fun of my "bed head" -_-

"I've come to take you" orly? ;)

"Look, lady, you're not part of the Shinsengumi, so I'd appreciate it if you could keep your nose out of our business." So, now that it's convenient for you, I'm part of the Shinsengumi? -_- I still haven't forgotten what you said before, asshole >:( Remember? HEART = BROKEN.

Sen knows that I'm a SLUT ^_^

"I can't tell if you have guts, or if you've got rocks for brains..." It must be the latter if I'm staying because of you XP

*Terrible decision immediately has lethal consequences*

LEMME GO! >:(

See Kazama post for my COLOURFUL feelings on this cunt >:(

Kondou can be so badass when he wants to be :')

Why... Hello there ;)

"Gotta admit, I didn't figure you for this type of girl." Then you haven't been paying attention ;P

Oh yeah: BWWWWWAAAAAAAARRRRP!!! PHYSICAL CONTACT ALARM!!! And then some X_X

"Didn't think I'd be getting pushed down into bed tonight, least of all by you." Oh yeah? Who else did you have in mind? Kondou? -_-

"Oh no! No no no!" Chizuru, we know you're thirsty and it's okay! Embrace the thot within! :')

"Tell me... How is it? On top of me. Does it feel good?" PLEASE SAY YES, PLEASE SAY YES, PLEASE SAY YES!

"I hadn't realised I was still on top of him." Uh-huh. Sure. And what a terrible shame that was.

"If I go out, Kondou will get mad at me." And then no more bum fun :( (me@me: WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU!??! me: XD Sorry)

"Okita's eyes shone with admiration for Kondou." X_X The fanfiction writes itself...

Just to be clear, I think it's pretty gross to ship people with their guardians, even if they're both adults at the time, because that's called GROOMING.

"He isn't going to need the Water of Life. I'll make sure of that." ... How, Hijikata?! He's literally DYING of tuberculosis!

And now he's not eating :'(

"I just don't want to. Is that really a problem?" Yes, because you'll starve to death.

"Hm, you are a doctor's daughter... Maybe you just can't leave a sick guy alone?" Or maybe I just don't want YOU to die, ass >:'(

I WILL MAKE YOU WHATEVER YOU WANT, JUST EAT IT!!! Ooooooh! He's blushing :O

He doesn't like bitter stuff but wants me to put grated radish in his porridge? O_o Well, I'm glad that he's cooperating :D

"I'm only going to eat it if it's delicious." Well, if you don't like it, I'll try again! :D

"Don't think I've given up or something." Okay D': <3

EAT THE FOOD, OKITA >:D

"It makes me feel good..." Hooray ^_^

"Could you keep me company for a while?" :O Okey! :)

"What would I talk about?" HELLO DARKNESS MY OLD FRIEND...

"He wasn't afraid to die," um, weren't you eavesdropping on his conversation with the doctor? -_-

"I want to help... But I'm getting weaker every day." Of course you do :'( This is more heartbreaking than him saying that you're not part of the Shinsengumi and just annoying DX

Maybe tell him that everybody likes having him around and that the Shinsengumi is where he belongs? Or, we could just leave him to wallow in misery... I guess that works, too X_X

"I couldn't see someone like Okita succumbing to a mere disease." ... Why, exactly? Is he supposed to fight it off with his sword or persuade it to fuck off with the force of his personality?

"He'll be fine. Right...?" NOOOPE.

SAITO 😍 I mean, uh, whatever... Totally not bothered at all...

WAIT, HOLD ON: SPY-TO. Yes, thank you. I am a genius :3

Finally murdering Itou for realskies! :')

I get that Hijikata and everyone are trying to look out for Okita but he's terminally ill. Keeping him out of the action is only going to keep him miserable until his inevitable demise. :'(

"Saito'll be here for a few days, so you'll have someone to play with." -_- Bit patronising, Hijikata X_X

Kazama being his usual, charming self X_X

Let's go find Okita and... Tell him to go back to bed? Okay...

What the fuck!?!! Kaoru!?!!

Do we ever get a decent explanation for why Kaoru was sent to live with some abusive fucks?

Kaoru... Why are you so short? I bet you were malnourished X_X

Okita's just watching this unfold, chomping on imaginary popcorn...

"Do you just plan to use her, like Kazama does?" O_o... I fucking hope not, because that would be INCEST!!!

"... No," OH, THANK GOD.

"What would you have done if I'd said yes?" Ugh, you said no already! Can we please move this conversation in a less incestuous direction X_X

"... No. You're free to take her." OKITA!!! HE'S MY BROTHER X_X Not that I'm expecting you to leap to my defense but this conversation is WEIRD as FUCK.

:O The Ochimizu! Is Kaoru trying to help Okita?! Misguidedly, but still.

"But... if their plan is to simply use my dear sister as some sort of demonic broodmare... I can't allow that to happen." ... Kaoru... :'O That's... Actually really sweet XO This is the first time that someone who claims to be part of my family has actually looked out for me :')

Oh, so Kaoru wants to use Okita to protect me from Kazama! I have a feeling that he's going to be disappointed if he thinks that Okita will do what he tells him to but I appreciate the gesture :')

"Please don't do anything that would hurt Kondou so, Okita." Ugh, even as he lies dying, he's supposed to be worrying about upsetting other people? >:(

"Okita the Fury; Okita the beast." X_X Bit harsh but okay.

"He had traded away his soul." Um, since when? XD

"Happy now, Kaoru Naguno?" "Yes I am." ... Fair.

"... For falling into my trap." Wait, what?!? O_O

"I'm happy I got to make my sister suffer." Kaoru, why? D': WE COULD HAVE HAD IT AAAAAAAAAAAAAA-AAA-AAALLL!!! DX

I'm glad that Kaoru did away with the Nagumo fuckers >:( But still, why take it out on me?!

Even dressed as a boy, Kaoru still looks prettier than Chizuru...

*Sigh* looks like I'm being choked, as usual X_X

I feel like Kaoru could easily have given Okita something much worse than the Ochimizu if he REALLY wanted to make me suffer.

"I'd run out of things to say." X_X Again?!

"This was my decision and I don't regret it." That is good to know :)

"You shouldn't get involved with a guy like me." Oh, here we go X_X

"That came out of nowhere," Too right!

"No" uh, does that mean "no, I won't get involved with you" or "no, I won't do as you say"???

Uh, is he crying?! "Hey! You can't just act like you're sick when you want something!" XD What the actual fuck is happening right now???

"I'm dead" ... Uh... Really? Because... You seem very much alive...

"I don't think Kondou wants you around just because he wants you to do things for him." FINALLY, some sense!

Aaaand, apparently, it's earned me The Unblinking Stare of Doom >:(

"Do you mind not trying to speak for Kondou." Do you mind not assuming that he's so much of an asshole that he'd kick you out just because you're inactive during the day?! >:(

"It's not like you're capable of knowing exactly how Kondou truly feels." YES, YUKIMURA!!! GET HIM!! >:D

"Do you think Kondou would still need me... Even if I can't hold a sword anymore?" YES.

"You're right." I know :3

"I'm just jealous of you, Okita, that you have someone like Kondou by your side." Yeah. >:'( Fuck you, Kaoru, fuck you, Kodo :'(

"Oh yeah, huh... I totally forgot." Ffs, Okita XD

"They just happened to be there when you were born, you know?" Yeah! >:( And they can all go to hell!

"Somehow, my chin had acquired something of an arrogant tilt" yaaaas! You live your best life, girl! Let go of the haters, cut out the negativity! Stick it to 'em!

Chapter 5:

"How dangerous could foreign weapons be?" Oh, my sweet, Summer Sanan X_X

"Why are you going on night rounds with us?" ... Wait, what?! Why am I going on night rounds?

AS IF putting myself in danger is going to help Okita in any way X_X

DAMN, KONDOU... Nice, uh, blood you're accessorising with, there. O_O MEDIC!!!

"Lucky for us, they're idiots." Hooraaaay!

Okita's not going to be happy when he sees this...

Speak of the devil...

HIJIKATA, STOP BEATING ABOUT THE BUSH.

"I thought for a moment that Okita was going to grab Hijikata and shake him." :O :D Please yes!

Okita is suuuuuper keen to blame Hijikata for this -_-

"If he dies, it's your ass in the fire, Hijikata." Another excellent image but this pointless conversation has gone on for too long X_X

"I will find you, no matter where you may be, and I will kill you." O_O OKITA!! I THOUGHT THAT YOU SAID YOU WERE CALM!!! Bloody hell X_X

Oh no... What has Okita done now X_X

Killing spree, mad science, aggressive interrogation, Hijikata murder? The possibilities are endless with this stabby boi.

Where exactly am I running to? "I had finally found him." HOW?! With the power of love?! O_o

Looks like "Killing spree" it is X_X

"I'm about to murder you." Ffs Souji X_X

"I'm just doing my job." OH YEAH?!? THEN WHY DID YOU FEEL THE NEED TO GO BEHIND EVERYONE'S BACKS, HUH?!

"What's wrong with me doing what I'm doing?" Yeah, what's wrong with sadistically slaughtering a bunch of virtually defenceless men as they attempt to retreat?! -_-

"I just killed people, no matter who it was, as long as it was what Kondou wanted." *Sigh* Kondou's not going to be around for ever, you know? X_X Maybe TRY think about why your doing what you're doing. Maybe learn from Kondou's example?

"Do not ever act out and worry the chief like that again." XD You tell him, Saito!

"Idiots." XD Hijikata

"I didn't wake up until evening had arrived." Oh look, it's me :)

OH, FUCK. That looked like a Kaoru silhouette :O

Why do they keep saying that Kaoru "tricked" Okita into drinking the Water of Life?! Kaoru offered it and Okita drank it. No trickery here!

"They wanted to avenge Itou. You remember him? The man you deceived and murdered?" XD Can't argue with that :')

"shoot the weaker target first." UGH. Why do I always get SHOT!?!

"Call me what you want." Oh, I intend to 3:)

Omg, I didn't get shot! :O BECAUSE OKITA USED HIMSELF AS A HUMAN SHIELD O_O ... BUT WHY?!??

NO, DON'T CHECK UP ON ME! WE NEED TO MOVE BEFORE WE GET SHOT AT AGAIN!!!

Oh no! O_O Doesn't look like he'll be moving any time soon O_O

"Okita! Okitaaaaa!" O_O

"It kills me to see you hurt, just as much as it kills you to see Kondou hurt!" O: <3 :'(

"What an idiot.. " No, Kaoru! You're the idiot! Because you will never be happy while you continue down this sadistic, evil path, wasting your own life trying to destroy someone else's and refusing to let go of your spiteful jealousy >:( At least Okita's risking his life for something good.

"The more despair and anger you feel, the more you look like me." ... Silver linings! :)

D: Did they use silver bullets?! :O

Wait, when did Yamazaki get wounded?! :O

Bless Hijikata for letting me stay with my crush XD

Final Chapter:

Yamazaki is fine :D Hooray!

"They need men, so we need to go now..." Uh... Then why aren't you dressed? X_X

"... I want you to remain calm as I tell you this." That is... NOT AN ENCOURAGING WAY TO START A CONVERSATION O_O

D': Inoue has fallen. :'( It hurts every time DX

Aw, he looks really sad :'( and no wonder...

"as soon as we arrive, I'm gonna swing my sword at anyone and everyone." Uh... That's the spirit X_X

ONWARDS TO EDO

[ivanaskye]

8+2 writing questions meme

@vardasvapors tagged me and I used doing this as a reward for dealing with airport security....

1. What are your current writing goals? Ohhh boy, okay, let’s see, I’ve got to get Šehhinah book 3 fully edited by March 9th, when I’m planning on publishing it … finishing drafting Evocation 3&4 … editing Evocation 2 … then editing the other Evocation books, obviously, once they’re drafted … outlining the series that takes place after Evocation … I think that’s as far as I have planned.  That should get me through some of the year!  Although let’s be real I probably haven’t even done cursory outlining of whatever I’ll be writing in November or whatever yet.

2. When did you first discover your love of writing? HAHAHAHAHA when DIDN’T I discover it.

Uhh ok no really … I learned how to read like really early and was always super into books.  “Book!  Book!” I apparently demanded of my mom like, all the time.  My physical ability to hold a pencil took longer to be a thing than my ability to read, and certainly longer than my ability to storytell, but there’s a whole collection of little stories I dictated to my mom as she wrote them down when I was three or four or so.  These include memorable lines such as “Yes, dear, a fire hydrant is very important” and “Buzzing! He couldn’t believe his eyes!” and “And then they drank all day and died.  This was a long time ago, when people used to do that sort of thing.”  There was also the story that ended in Pooh Bear and Piglet dying … and the one where Thomas the Tank Engine “took his medicine” and “didn’t do any bad things anymore” …

Not too long after those, there started being little things I’d write myself with pencil and paper.  For whatever reason the first that comes to mind is this song about winter (meant to be sung by Pooh Bear, obviously) which I think I wrote when I was six, that went “It’s snowing / it’s mowing / but I don’t mind // I’ve got furry furry fur to keep me warm and snuggly / because it’s winter!”  Gods, uh, I even still remember the tune for that actually.  Then again, I think I remember all the tunes of the bad songs I wrote as a kid.

Also by the way I still have basically all of this stuff.  I have like, a barely-even-started attempt at uh, a nonfiction book, bound by staples, about volcanoes … THE FREAKING FAIRY SLAVE STORY, involving a fairy enslaved by an evil witch at the age of six …

This kept ramping up in complexity until I was nine and decided that a good way to spend a three-week road trip would be to write an entire movie script.  Which I did; it was about sixty pages long once later typed up by my mom (these were the waning days before I really learned how to type), which by typical page-to-minute conversions for scripts, means it would have been about an hour long as a movie.  I did try to film it, and got partway through, but oh my Gods, that is a story for another time and this is already an essay and I’m only on the second question.

Keep in mind that on that same road trip I also attempted to start drawing several manga—most not making it past the third page—and did some Tokyo Mew Mew fanfic, and a number of other things besides …

Uhh anyway this brings us to March 9th, 2006, which is the “created on” date of my very first writing document on my computer!  It was four paragraphs long and terrible and I was a bit of a weeb, so the main character’s name was Subeteno Kakusei … there was this whole thing where like, she’d fight for Life in the daylight but switch personalities and fight for Death in the nighttime, but I got stuck and stopped writing when she asked, “and why is life bad?” and I couldn’t come up with the answer.  Uh.  Also this story itself was already a revamp of another story written on paper which had started out as a riff on Pokemon…

3. What motivates you to keep writing? UH WANTING TO REMAIN BREATHING, lmao.

No seriously though, that’s actually something I’ve said to people: “oh, yeah, I have to write every day, OR I WILL DIE.” And I mean??? I probably would?? Wtf is a not writing every day?  I mean, okay, yeah, I only started the daily thing at the beginning of 2016, but still…

Seriously though, writing makes me feel like myself, it’s kind of what I am…

4. How important is worldbuilding for your writing? VERY??? EXTREMELY??? A WHOLE BUNCH???? I absolutely 100% have to get the cosmology of a setting down before I can write in it.  It’s the most essential thing in my entire process and also the hardest.  That essential-ness is why I write secondary world stuff—I want to decide the cosmology Gods heck it!!  I get to display something, a possibility of something, that is good, where the world works in a way that feels right, where the very formation of how the world works including its magic system is supportive of people’s happiness.

The whole cosmology process requires heavy amounts of thinking and analyzing and even heavier amounts of believing in myself though, and I feel utterly exhausted after it every time.

For all the other parts of worldbuilding, I do better if I have it down ahead of time rather than expect myself to come up with stuff while drafting—because, lol, I won’t, I’ll make up a cool landscape if I give myself a minute to do it in outlining or worldbuilding but if I don’t have one when drafting, I will somehow just completely fail to come up with anything interesting at all.  But also, I like drafting way more than any other part of the writing process, so generally speaking I don’t worldbuild quite as much as I could or maybe should!

5. Pen on paper versus typing? Typing typing typing oh my Gods.

6. Favorite Author? OKAY UH … the obvious answer here is N.K Jemisin bc her most recent trilogy is perfect, and she has great subject matter AND a gorgeous writing style that’s just amazing, and, and.  But.  I don’t usually like to say someone’s my favorite unless I’m certain that the stuff they’re doing next is also going to be something I like, so I might defer Official Favorite Status to such a time as her next book is published!

In that case, the backup favorite would be Brandon Sanderson…

7. Something you do to get the creative juices flowing to write? Coffee.

But more seriously … to get the creativity flowing to write, I write.  It’s a habit.  There is no muse.  There’s no use in waiting for inspiration to strike.  You have to make it happen anyway.  You have to just keep going and believe, and believe.

(More generalizing than I would normally say, but I highkey feel this one…)

8. Do you write better at night, or first thing in the morning? Morning! This past month is the first period of time for two years where I’ve not felt like I’m dying if writing isn’t the first thing I do in the morning … if only because I trust I’ll end up doing it for three hours in the afternoon anyway.  I can pretty much write any time of day now but I’m most attuned to doing it in the morning.  With coffee…

9. How do you take your coffee/tea? Cappuccinos are very important to my lifestyle.  BY CAPPUCCINO, I specifically mean equal parts espresso, steamed milk, and foam—but the foam is mixed into the milk, it isn’t just spooned on top, so basically it’s foamy milk.  The drink should be approximately 8oz.  It includes two shots of espresso.  The most preferred types of espresso tend to be Ethiopian, but anything with a bright flavor is great (which still is very most often African beans, with Ethiopian almost always as the best!).

…So, ok, maybe I’m a little particular…

10. If you could only live with one season for the rest of your life, what would it be? I’d say summer except that in many ways nighttime is more important to me than the day and also I lived in Hawaii for the better part of 4 years and the constant heat was too much for me.  So uh.  Uhhh.

I do need a lot of sunlight though, and even more than that clear skies!  I need starlight!  And moonlight!  So any season where I can get those things, and where the temperature’s not too hot but not like horribly cold either.  (Of late, my cold tolerance has outpaced my heat tolerance, but it too has limits.)

Tagging @lcmawson, predictably.

[krokodile]

movie watched in 2018, just three n this one with two behind a cut because spoilers for movies older than all of you :P

battle of the sexes - holy fuck, so good.  SO SO SO GOOD.  look, i usually can’t stand emma stone and i rarely like sports movies.  but i loved this movie so much i couldn’t shut up about it for days.  emma stone and steve carell are fucking flawless, and watching the bonus features, seeing how emma lights up whenever billie jean is onset, it’s clear how strongly she felt about doing this right.  and it absolutely shows.  her transformation goes beyond the makeup (although holy crap they did a good job with that).  her performance is remarkable; i won’t take back all i’ve said about how annoying i’ve found her over the years, because i did, but i underestimated her (which i guess is thematically appropriate for this movie :P ).  she is immensely skilled, and her desire to do this project justice is plainly visible.  the fire in her eyes when she’s on the court is fucking magnetic.  i can’t say enough about how much i adored this performance.  and i generally feel that biopics bring out the worst in actors (academy catnip though they may be).

steve carell nailed his role as well, but that was no surprise; i knew he would be perfect.  i hope he gets his oscar for this, finally, though i’m assuming 3 billboards will sweep all the major categories.  andrea riseborough is predictably perfect, and cute as a bug’s ear - i’ve always thought she was incredibly pretty,  but this is the first time i’ve found her adorable.  she and emma stone have the most insanely believable chemistry - i don’t think i’ve believed an onscreen relationship more, in every facet.  

the movie looks amazing; it drops you right into the 70s with no detail ignored.  and, you know, having lived on planet earth, i knew how this story ended.  and yet, i was nervous.  i was on the edge of my seat wringing my hands through every set.  i wanted to stand up and cheer.  i just...i really loved this movie.  i expected to like it, because reviewers i tend to agree with raved over it, but i didn’t think i’d fall in love with it.  easily one of the best to come out of 2017, at least for me.

when the wind blows - this is the best movie i NEVER EVER WANT TO SEE AGAIN.  oh my god.  look, if you know this movie, you understand me.  if you don’t, how do i sum it up?  an elderly couple living in (i think) rural england has been following the news of a seemingly inevitable nuclear conflict approaching.  the wife is largely unconcerned - after all, they made it through world war ii, and enough time has past that the memories have become romantic - and the husband is confident that the government pamphlets instructing him to whitewash the windows and create a shelter out of doors will instruct him well.

...you know where this is going, because there’s only one way this story can go.

bombs fall, everyone dies.

but not like that.  while most of their area is flattened, their home stands.  and at first all seems well.  emergency services will be along soon enough to rescue them, after all.  the pamphlets instruct them to stay in their little shelter for fourteen days to avoid fallout, but the impracticality of that is immediately apparent, and after all - if you can’t hear it, feel it, see it, how can it be harming you?  

sure, they’ve had headaches, but stress, you know?

if you for some reason have been meaning to see this but haven’t gotten to it, and don’t want spoilers, skip this, because i really can’t figure out how to explain how quietly horrific this film is without spoiling the entire thing.  

the couple - jim and hilda - quickly grow bored indoors and stroll around their garden, chatting about how nice everything will look once it’s grown back next season.  

yeah,  you’ve correctly inferred just how much denial they’re in.  hilda notices a neighbor’s dog in the distance and worriedly comments that it must be hungry; we can see that the dog is not only dead but partially fused to the ground.  grimmer still is jim’s comment that people must have put sunday dinner on early in the week; he can smell the meat roasting.  hilda mentions her worsening nausea, which jim attributes to a woman’s inability to handle stress.  

the water runs out, there are rats in the toilets, and hilda and jim can’t quite pinpoint why they feel so off; so tired and weak.  surely nothing a cup of tea wouldn’t fix, but that’s out of the question now.  still, emergency services should be arriving any moment now.  they wonder how their son and his family are faring.  

jim wonders if hilda is wearing lipstick; she isn’t.  her gums are bleeding.  but surely it’s a result of ill-fitting dentures.  they’re old; it happens.  those strange sores on their limbs must be varicose veins.  they’re old; it happens.  bloody diarrhea?  hemorrhoids.  they’re old; it happens.

jim runs out of answers when hilda’s hair starts coming out in handfuls - or perhaps he’s simply too weak to speak much at this point.  

ultimately, they retire to their tiny shelter, both finally acknowledging - wordlessly but clearly - that no help is coming.  with no better ideas left, hilda suggests they might pray.  jim, endearingly, begins his prayer with “dear sir,” which hilda suggests is wrong.  they are, after all, an old married couple.  

mid-sentence, jim ceases to speak.  and that is all.

this movie came out in the 80s, as part of that boom of nuclear holocaust films that flooded the nation at that time.  but unlike the thrillers or the family dramas, this film is almost painfully quiet.  jim and hilda have no fear.  there’s no screaming, no crying, just wondering why on earth their son seems to have gone mad at the news.  war is survivable; they’ve done it before.  there are no horrific shots of dead bodies, of people burned and in agony.  just jim and hilda, quietly transforming from round-faced little old cherubs to hollow-eyed skeletons.  

and my god, they make you love them.  they’re fucking adorable, with their accents and their quaint little house.  they bicker, but you know neither would know what to do with themselves without the other.  (the sweetness of their relationship is, i imagine, what makes the moment where jim carelessly calls hilda a “stupid bitch” as she refuses to get into the shelter - the oven’s on, the laundry’s still on the line, she really should take care of these things first - so disproportionately upsetting.  it feels personal, somehow.)  

the movie looks absolutely gorgeous.  the characters are animated, the home is done in 3d models, manipulated with stop motion, and the blending of mediums is startlingly seamless.  the character designs are simple - jim looks rather like an elderly charlie brown, with a large round head, dots for eyes, a little squiggle mouth and little else - making it all the more effective when the effects of their sickness start to visibly affect them.  there’s no gore, nothing hyperrealistic, and yet the images are deeply disturbing in ways eli roth can only dream of being.  

as the saying goes, one death is a tragedy; a million, a statistic.  we can speculate about the number of lives lost if nuclear war breaks out, but somehow that will feel less devastating than watching just these two.  there’s nothing exaggerating, nothing made “bigger” for film.  just the quiet, horrible truth.

and fuck, it’s a sick feeling when you remember that this is exactly what we did to every single japanese individual who didn’t immediately die when we bombed them.  they died in days and weeks after with radiation poisoning, or years later of blood and bone cancers.  either they went through this themselves, dying horrible, agonizing deaths that they couldn’t even feel the hope of curing, or they helplessly watched their families.  numbers are sobering, but the reality of the suffering is nauseating.

oh and i mean trump seems determined to bring about the same fate to the us, so there’s that to think about, if you didn’t feel shitty enough.

it’s an absolutely brilliant piece of art; one of the best animated films i’ve ever seen.  but i think it’s best to go in warned about what you’re seeing.  you know it’s going to be sad, you know they’re going to die, but...you should know that it’s worse than you’re envisioning.

still.  see it.  it’s on youtube.  

ringing bell - because shit, i didn’t already want to die enough, right?  it’s bambi, but with sheep.  oh, and instead of growing up and marrying his cousin, bambi joins forces with the hunter and becomes an expert gunman.  

yeah.

honestly, i didn’t like it, and not for the reasons you might think.  yeah, it’s sad, but i didn’t think it was well put-together.  the first third is just a baby lamb called chirin prancing around being nauseating (or cute, i guess).  the second third is an irritating, dumb baby sheep deciding he wants to become an apprentice to the wolf who killed his mother, which...okay, i can accept that he’s come to reason that only the strong survive (there’s an absolutely gutting scene, one of the few done well, where the lamb attempts to rescue a bird and her eggs from a snake.  the mother is killed, and in the scuffle, the eggs are broken.  the image of chirin wailing “why do the weak have to die?” is going to be the thing that fucks me up for the rest of my life.  jesus christ.) but we see NONE of this - he goes from hunting down the wolf determined to kill it, the wolf knocks him down a fucking mountain, he climbs back up and declares his intent to become a wolf.

we get a rocky movie’s worth of training montages, and really a whole bunch of nothing for the second act.  i’ll give it credit for having the wolf’s design be badass as fuck and for the hunting scene having more realism than i’d expect from a sanrio production (yeah, this came from the people who brought you hello kitty.)  but the story elements are really ignored.  we never do find out why the wolf never just ate the damn sheep when it came looking for him.

the third act is better - chirin’s adult model is the stuff of nightmares compared to his cotton fluffball appearance in the earlier scenes, and everything looks gorgeous and is animated far better than what came before it.  i won’t spoil the story of the ending, but the final shot, of chirin alone, wailing for the wolf in what sounds creepily like a howl, is...depressing.  it’s not SAD.  it just comes with a resignation that makes it so much worse than just being sad.  of course this is how it ends.  what else could there be for this wretch, no longer a ram, but not enough a wolf?

it’s a short, about 50 minutes, and at first i was thinking it might have worked better as a feature, but really, it would’ve worked better at the same length, just with differently-applied focus.  still, i appreciate its existence.  i think the 70s and 80s realized what we’ve forgotten now - kids eat up the dark stuff, the cautionary and morality tales.  when things are scary, you get to feel proud and excited that you made it through.  when things are sad, you learn to remember that happiness returns.  when you experience loss vicariously, you begin to understand it, how to process it.  when you see death, you accept it as part of life.  kids WANT to understand these things; they WANT to know more than what they know; they WANT to take on tough things and overcome them.  WE want to keep them “safe” and “innocent” - they know that that’s the opposite of what they need.  

that said, if any kid i’m watching wants to watch it, i’m going to another room until it’s over.  JESUS.

[tumblunni]

AAAAARGH I DIE

god, TMI time of the month post again fuck whoever built this nonfunctioning uterus that i never asked for like seriously doctors i’m fuckin trans and i’m not interested in having kids and IT DOESNT WORK AND IT KILLS ME why cant i get it surgery’d out...

okay so this period is EVEN WORSE than usual aaa cos its been like a year since i last failed to predict it its still painful but i can deal with the pain if i start taking my medicine immediately once i start spotting blood, before the pain starts but for the first time in ages i overslept and woke up already in Stage 2 Horror Time with blood all over my damn pants and the Pain Knives in my spinal cord and like GOD seriously i’m so mad cos i’ve been able to manage it for so long even WITH all my fail uterus’s inconsistancies! like sometimes it starts hurting before i even start bleeding, and its never the same amount of days in between cycles. I’ve been going on the 13th for a few months, then the 7th last month, now the 10th?? And this is after like TWO YEARS of having it on the 11th or 12th consistantly, so it always landed on my birthday. I had my first non crampy birthday in ages this october!

gahhhh and just seriously FUCK its so bad i get pain not just in my uterus area but also my digestive system and legs somehow?? like the bottom of my spine gets cramps and then i lose all feeling in my legs and literally cant even walk to the bathroom anymore its like that ‘periods are a mild labour’ factoid but remove the ‘mild’ and i get this symptom more than ANYTHING ELSE! the hip and back pain and the downward pain direction thing is the biggest pain of all the many pains, gahhh its its so embarassing and gross and hard to talk about cos it means Really Bad Connected Symptoms my digestion goes NUTS for a day! i don’t just gush blood but also get super nauseous and like... ‘hey lets evacuate everything you’ve ever eaten for the last two years somehow, and also 50% of your stomach acid’. Only consolation is that its usually more diarhohea than puking, but thats not much of a consolation cos its so much harder to talk about Shit Problems with your doctor, lol. Also makes the back pain even worrrrrrse! And i cant even tell when I’m about to have a diahrhea attack or when its just regular womb pain cos it covers my ENTIRE LOWER BODY SOMEHOW, like a DOUCHE

and just fuck AAAGH the worst part of waking up with the period already started is that it takes like two hours for medicine to get digested and start working, when this thing literally gives me digestion problems. I swear the pills digest way faster if i take them beforehand! so no matter what i’ve gotta sit and endure the screaming pain for that long. like its really so severe it seems like i’ve been stabbed in my spine! but i can’t even take the knife out, there’s no damn way to relieve this pain! like i’m only even able to vent this text post after almost the two hours is up, and its still really hurting so i guess its gonna take even longer today. or i should take extra pills to get over the bigger pain than usual? i even got the caffeine plus pills thatre supposed to digest faster! (plus the general lack of energy from screaming back death, i think i’ll be able to not have the no legs working bit this time)

and just GOD i havent had this so bad since high school when i was still living with my abusive dad and he ‘didnt believe in doctors’ and was like ‘every woman deals with this and they don’t complain’ but like THEY HAVE FUCKING MEDICINE, DAD imagine a very VERY young child dealing with 24 hour full-on false labour symptoms once a damn month, and how suicidal it’d make them feel! my dad would literally walk in on me screaming in a pile of my own puke in a cinema bathroom and just yell at me for ‘causing a scene’, like i somehow was able to fake this?? and why would i even want to?? ‘yeah sure wow i definately showed him, i made myself unable to watch the movie I wanted to see’ Somehow EVERYTHING I did was a conspiracy to make him lose money, in his eyes! Every symptom of me being developmentally challenged was just me faking, and even when i had a non-mental illness with clear proof right in front of him it was still fake. But oh, HE was able to be sick sometimes, yeah! and he got to go to the chiropractor for his back issues but NOOOOO they can’t be genetic and potentially act up on someone who has a lower body related thing that happens every month... fuck I was so happy when i finally managed to get to the doctor and they gave me birth control pills! even if i had to take them every day throughout the entire month and i had to fight against my dad telling me to not take my legally prescribed drugs and instead replace them with his horrible herbal remedies that made me puke and didnt work. I had to lie and pretend i was taking them, flushing one down the toilet everyday! and OH FUCK man i wish i could still take birth control tho. that was way better cos it actually stopped the period entirely, not just making it hurt less. like seriously ive just started my period and i put a pad on for like TWENTY MINUTES and it was soaked through! aspirin and ibuprofen and etc dont stop the excessively heavy bloodbath. But like apparantly the birth control i was on was bad for people over a certain weight threshhold, so when i left my dad and was able to see better doctors more often they changed me to a different one. And also diagnosed my depression and autism and thankfully finally got me some help for that! But then recently when i moved to this new house the pharmacy wasnt able to get a supply of that medicine cos its too far out in the middle of nowhere in a terrible neighbourhood. And i say ‘recently’ but i mean ‘three years ago’. So i’ve just been taking really big amounts of over the counter pain meds and probably wasting over a hundred bucks per year, yikes..

and AAAARGH it still fuckin hurts and its been like three hours now and i think its starting to hurt worse so the meds are wearing off i need to go take the next two and try and keep down a glass of water and a slice of bread without puking GahhHHHHHHHHHHhhh fuck

[sathinfection]

alien: covenant sucked and here’s why

I saw Covenant five years ago (so I think closer to 4 weeks) and I hated it a whole bunch. But it was a very instructive hate, so I’m gonna break it down. Putting everything under a readmore bc this is gonna be long and also I don’t want people who liked it to have to see me shredding away. 

The first Alien film was the first horror movie that I liked enough not to care how scary it was. I think I was around 6 when I first saw it. It awakened three things in me: a crush on Sigourney Weaver, a lasting kink for xeno, and a deep love of women using construction equipment for non-conventional purposes. I’m not a hugely dedicated Alien fan, but I think that the films have two very defined qualities:

1) Equal opportunity psychosexual horror. Literally anyone in Alien can be forcefully facefucked and then carry a terrifying alien baby! This is something that’s been commented on to death, so it’s not like I think I’m brilliant for observing this. 

2) Woman-centered. Not just in terms of Sigourney Weaver or other Hollywood-unconventional white brunette terms, but the Alien films are also deeply concerned with reproduction. Ripley’s always off to kill the Queen because she’s gonna lay hundreds of eggs, etc. However, unlike a lot of horror films, women aren’t the subject of particular sexual menace. See above: everyone’s a potential victim of the xenomorphs I think this was why the Alien films weren’t as scary to me as other movies, because I didn’t have to see women singled out for rape or assault in ways that separated them from men. Also, women win. Yeah, the xenomorphs always come back, but there’s a little bit of a break at the end of each film. I also can’t even get that pissed off, because it’s female aliens vs female humans, so again I’m removed from awful gender dynamics. I’m not implying that the Alien films are feminist, but they’re not misogynist. 

Now that you know my two strongest feelings about Alien, let’s move forward to Covenant itself. First off, several people in the audience were laughing at a lot of the dramatic moments (not just me and my wife). If you’ve got people tittering during a moment of tension, your horror movie sucks. It’s failed. Covenant has three main flaws. 

1) Terrible, terrible script. Every single person in the film, other than the robots, is a blithering idiot. The movie starts with a bunch of supposedly professional people waltzing out into a planet that’s broadcasting John Denver without any helmets on, and they’re perfectly fine with having unpredictable communication and dangerous ion storms going on. What the fuck. All of them deserved to die. They go scampering around in the alien water? Christ, you can get all sorts of awful things from water on EARTH let alone on another planet. 

Then, when people start getting disgustingly sick, there’s no immediate panic. No, the person has to start vomiting black bile before they think, wow, this is a scary thing to happen on an unknown planet. Remember when that woman was attending to Victim #1 and decided to hug him as his skin looked ready to pop and he was leaking everywhere? What the fuck. 

Remember when David started talking about his weird experiments while showing Captain Vaguely Christian his cabinet of fetal xenomorphic horrors? Then he creepily tells the captain to go down to his murder basement and stick his face in a weird egg-casing, and the captain just goes ahead and does it? Probably one of the most rage-inducing parts of the film, but he totally deserved to go. That was actually my thought for everyone who died in the film, other than the gay couple, Walter, and Shaw. The gay men weren’t any more or less likable than the other people who were murdered, but they were a nice little bit of representation that probably 90% of the audience didn’t notice.

Every character in the film acts like a lamb going to slaughter. That isn’t suspenseful, it’s just annoying. 

2) Predictability. This could probably just go under the terrible script, but it deserves special attention. My single moment of surprise was seeing David 8 on the planet, and that’s only because I hadn’t looked at any previews. The crew is so tremendously stupid that I know the moment one of them wanders off alone, they will get horribly murdered. When Walter and David fight, I know that Walter will lose the second the camera cuts away from the Fassbender vs Fassbender. This is particularly annoying because the director had established that Walter was ‘improved’ over the David model not 5 minutes ago, and Walter is no fool. He is one of two non-fools in the movie, and since the other one is also played by Michael Fassbender, this is a source of much frustration. 

Covenant could have been made slightly better by playing off the audience expectation that David would win. Honestly: was anyone expecting Walter to have won that fight, particularly since “Walter” was acting so creepy after scampering back to the ship? The movie isn’t creating tension through uncertainty, it’s creating tension because the audience is waiting for the goddamn reveal that it’s not Walter, it’s David. Can you imagine if the reveal at the end was that it actually *was* Walter? That would be a legitimate twist! And it wouldn’t be hard to bring back the xenomorph threat in the next film in a way that didn’t involve Fassbender yartzing out fetuses into a drawer while Wagner plays. This leads me to the third, most vile part of Covenant:

3) Misogyny. Here’s where Covenant goes back and takes a shit on the legacy of the previous films, and I gotta repeat that I don’t even really care about the Alien series that much. Covenant completes what Prometheus started, and that’s shifting the focus from women to men. Now, you could say that this is because it’s a prequel to the Alien series, so you don’t have adult xenomorph queens going around to lay eggs, but uh... really? Do we really need to go through this convoluted process of giant white aliens who look vaguely like Clancy Brown? 

I dare you to unsee this. So we’ve got the aliens reproducing through coaldust and Clancy Browns, and it turns out that they needed a man all along to make them reproductively viable. Yeah, David 8 is an android, not a human, but we know what’s up, since the writers sure as shit aren’t taking a nuanced or current look at gender. He’s a guy with daddy issues who sexually assaults people, rather than, you know, acting like a genderless robot. Obviously a sentient robot commits sexual assault! That’s how you know he’s sentient, because a sex drive is part of humanity! Please picture me rolling my eyes with disgust. 

David explicitly sets himself up as a god in the image of his creator, Weyland. Of course, David thinks he’s doing better than his father, but who doesn’t? We’ve cut women out as free agents, both the humans and the aliens. Alien series? No, it’s the Michael Fassbender being menacing series now! 

First off, let’s look at what happens to Shaw. Noomi Rapace wisely tapped out of the series after the end of Prometheus, so she had to be killed off. Was she killed off in a normal way? Nah. She was killed in one of the most uniquely horrible ways in the series, and it was highly gendered. Shaw repairs David, then he repays her kindness by designing a horrible machine to keep her alive while he scoops everything out of her from the waist down and leaves her as this frightening wax-like figure. Prometheus already put Shaw through a pseudo self-abortion, then David goes for the entire womb. I’m sure that the writers (all male - I checked) knew exactly what they were doing with this, and it’s gender essentialism 101: David takes Shaw’s creative, maternal womb powers and takes it for himself so he can make his own alien babies. There’s no way this was unintentional or me reaching - David’s narrative arc is about male parthenogenesis because his daddy was a really shitty programmer. (He probably forgot to close the brackets on the ‘not evil’ line of David’s code)

Now for Daniels. The audience is ‘treated’ to David trying to force himself on her after she sees his figurative rape of Shaw. Then, instead of rescuing herself from this completely unnecessary, un-Alien, he’s-a-goddamn-robot situation, as Ripley would have done, Daniels is rescued by Walter, because this is a film about Michael Fassbender. Her last moment in the film is her screaming as she’s trapped and put to sleep by David. 

Remember that whole generation of young women who loved Ripley for being unafraid, resourceful, and great at killing xenomorphs? Women are starving for positive depictions of ourselves. Ripley was one of the few we had. Women are still crying in theaters at Wonder Woman because we have so goddamn little. 

Now we’ve got Shaw and Daniels: two women in distress who are sexually threatened and ultimately outwitted by a man. I can forgive Covenant for being a bad film, but the misogyny is disgusting. If the Alien series continues, and who knows since it’s failed to be a moneymaker outside of comics and videogames for a while, it better be a reboot rather than a continuation of Covenant’s storyline, because Alien isn’t about men, damn it. It’s about people dying in space, and women. 

And some of them will eat you. 

[one-of-those-silly-girls-blog]

For the Worst of the Worst

Disclaimer: This is my very first fanfic and let’s face it, my writing skills have been rusty because I haven’t really written anything that worthwhile in years. I am absolutely serious about the time that has lapsed, it’s been like three years? so please be nice. If you have any suggestions or something to criticise, please be nice about it. Thank you.

Oh, let’s just say that this is around Season 7 where Garcia and Hotch are tag team as the media liaison--but someone else takes the role as the media liaison.

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               Harper Massey, I’ve been working as the team’s media liaison for roughly three years now and among the whole team, I’ve been the closest to the resident Dr. Reid. Everyone couldn’t deny how we both hit it off when I first walked into the door and presented the team’s latest case. It was a series of murders in a quiet town up north. I spouted statistic after statistic, even inputted a case similar to what we were facing now. Spencer couldn’t believe it, someone just beat him to his usual quirk and the whole team just went quiet. To say the least we couldn’t stop talking on the jet and while working on the case.

               We were two peas in a pod, no one could deny that.

               “Hey there Miss thang” Morgan greeted me as I walked into the doors of the BAU, “how’s the coffee today?” He asked as I walked over to him and handed him a paper bag. We were in a silent agreement that I was to buy him breakfast and he would lay off on teasing me about Spencer.

               We were teased a lot because of how perfect we would be if we started dating and got married. Ugh.

               We suddenly turned around the sight and sound of Spencer running into the office, out of breath and completely out of sorts. “What’s the rush? I don’t have to present a case for another 10 minutes” I smiled at him and he just shot me a glare

               He stood up straight and brushed his shirt to remove the wrinkles he got from running. “I thought I was late, my alarm went off late and I was—damnit” He replied, still very much out of breath.  Morgan and I had to desperately contain the laughter that was very much threatening to burst out of our mouths. Apparently boy genius forgot that he moved the time in his house to be later so he wouldn’t be late anymore, who could’ve guessed he’d have a lapse like that.

               “So much for Eidetic memory” I teased him, he was about to give a sarcastic retort before Garcia walked in and told us that the briefing was about to start “This is not over Harper, remember that” Spencer threatened me as we walked together to the briefing room

               “I think it can wait, I have a case to present” I smiled sweetly at him and walked faster so I could get to the room first and get the briefing started

.

.

.

               There were days that the team got to go home knowing that at least for a time, there was some sort of semblance of peace. Today was not the day, the case went horribly wrong and much as Hotch and Rossi tried to convince the team that it was normal that we’d screw up, it didn’t help. To say the least the whole team was glum on the way back to HQ.

               If there was anything that was uplifting, it was Garcia in her colorful outfit ready to pick up the team’s spirits. She was stood at the door with alcohol in hand and dvds, the whole team couldn’t be any glad that she was there to greet them.

               “We tried our best, we did” She said in a tone that was pained but optimistic, Morgan wrapped an arm around her as we all walked to the briefing room to blow some steam before going home. “You especially Harper, don’t blame yourself” she smiled at me which got me taken back and frozen for a quick second

               For someone who wasn’t a profiler, she was really good at reading people. Or maybe I just showed too much emotion and it gave away how I felt at any given time. The latter was the most probable, actually both options were probably. After all, we’d been friends for a good amount of time.

               “Yeah Harper, you did your best, we could have never predicted that it would’ve turned out like that. The profile was correct but we were too late and he devolved from the profile” Spencer reasoned with me as he awkwardly fiddled with the strap of his bag. He was a dork but he tries his best to make me feel better when I felt like shit. We were kind of like Garcia and Morgan if Morgan was less buff and more nerdy and Garcia was less techy and more awkward.

               The unsub had been in a psychotic break and when the team got to him, he was beyond reason. I figured that the press conference I made prior to the team catching up to him triggered him to spiral out of control so fast. I  just knew that it was my fault that they did more damage than help and I just felt so helpless that I couldn’t have even been in the line of fire or even tried to make things a little bit better. I was just thankful that none of our team got seriously hurt.

               “Spence, I gave that press conference, it was my words that triggered him to spiral out of control. I can’t live that down, the lives taken that day—I can’t fathom it” I said, my throat getting tighter as my eyes threatened to spill tears “Spence, I killed all those people, because of me they died. I can’t live that down” He pulled me into his arms and rubbed my back, I still refused to let myself cry. I couldn’t let myself go out of control like this, after losing so much control already.

               He kept rubbing my back, “Listen to me, don’t say anything before I finish. It’s part of the job, you did your job like how Hotch instructed you to do it. We knew something like that was going to happen but we did not expect it to be in that scale” He cooed, “We try to lessen the risk as much as possible but there will be days that it can’t be helped. Don’t blame yourself, never blame yourself. We all made our decisions and it resulted to this.” He said as he audibly gulped.  The whole team felt guilty over what happened, the deaths hanged over everyone’s heads like a dark cloud. Spencer felt guilty because he should’ve figured everything out faster, if only he had a minute more. It was enough.

               And now I felt even more guilty because I was on the verge of breaking down. I didn’t even consider how everyone felt. With that, I cried.

               “Massey, it’s okay” Morgan said as he neared us. They were all in the briefing room, ready to watch the movie when they noticed that Spencer and I weren’t there.

               “It’s not okay Morgan, I’ve been here for three years and I know people die but we always save someone. Not today Morgan, not today” I turned my face to him, tears streaming down my face. He pursed his lips, he knew I was beyond reasoning right now. Garcia was behind him, her lips were quivering, she wanted to say something but thought against it and now she’s on the verge of tears. “I love my job but what happened today will always be in the back of my head, haunting me” I said in a whisper, burying my face into Spencer’s chest.

               “You should get her home Spence, today is a really rough day—for all of us” Prentiss advised, I felt him nod his head but right as he was to take a step, I stopped him by pulling on his shirt

               “Harper,” JJ started but I just drowned her out by my crying

               This job is a really shitty job sometimes. I love the people I’ve come to call my family, I love the support we give to each other. I love every single aspect of this job. What I don’t love right now is myself.

               “Harper, we can stay here in the BAU if you want, we can have a sleepover?” JJ suggested, I nodded my head. The others agreed quickly, if there’s anything we needed was rest but I doubt none of us wanted to drive home alone.

               But I quickly retracted my answer. They all had someone to go home to, they all needed the support they could get from their homes. Sure, we were a family but nothing beats the comfort of home and their actual family. “I just need some time here, is that okay?” I asked, trying to keep myself balanced, holding onto Reid for some support

               “Use my office to get some privacy” Morgan offered and we both nodded. They all decided that Reid was enough to keep me calm so they slowly made their way back to the briefing room.

               Reid, Spencer Reid. He was the first friend I made when I came into the team, he was everything I was and more. No wonder we became close friends really fast.

               “You want to sit down?” He asked, snapping me out of my thoughts, I nodded and he guided me to a chair. He sat in front of me and held my hands tight, he always did that when he tries to comfort me. Physical touch was to keep some sort of connection, I can’t remember clearly. “You want to talk or—we can not talk” he said awkwardly noticing my silence and the still very present tears on my face

               I smiled at him, it was pained, I know but I smiled at him.

               “How can you not feel as bad as I feel right now?”

               “Well, a lot of people process things differently and really in a team, there’s always someone who feels more than others. It’s an evolution thing. Empathy, you know—“ he gulped, “at least I know you won’t be a psychopath with that much empathy in you” He awkwardly laughed to try to lessen the tension in the air

               “Can we just stay here for a while, I need to collect my thoughts and I just broke down out there” I took a deep breath “I tried to keep a calm and collected exterior, how do you guys do it?”

               “The Academy can teach you as much as it can, books and journals can supplement your learning to such degree but being on the field and experiencing everything firsthand is a whole different level. Plus, we’ve been here longer, we’ve seen worse and experienced more horrible things. We just take in precaution the next time around so that something like this never happens ever again” He smiled at me

               “That calmed me down a little bit. Thank you” I squeezed his hands. He nodded in reply

               Today will probably one of the worst days I will ever have but I think I’ll be okay. I’ll probably break down a couple more times before I can begin to get past this. If this scrawny guy in front of me can face the worst of the worst, who’s to tell I can’t.