#so when Sam went to give himself to Lucifer at the end of S5 and found out about Rachel

[chiisana-sukima]

Happy Wincest Wednesday!

What's one headcanon (cute, sexy, or otherwise) you have about the brothers and the Impala? Time spent in or on it, or things they've done in it, Sam indulging Dean somehow with it, or (etc)?

Happy Wincest Wednesday-Thursday, Phyn! Thank you so much for the ask. <3

I have so many headcanons about Sam, Dean and the Impala. The main one is that they're both very weirdcesty about it. They don't have a sexual relationship with--or even sexual thoughts about--each other. Obviously! That would be sick and bad, and especially in Dean's case, outright wrong. It would be the polar opposite of protecting and looking out for Sam, so clearly he would *never*.

...But it's hardly Dean's fault, or Sam's, that they've both banged chicks in Baby's back seat. That's just a natural outcome of the Impala being, for all those years, their only real home. And it's hardly his fault he's proud that Sam can pull such gorgeous babes, and that maybe when Sam was in high school and first started dating, Dean helped him out a bit by handing over the keys and telling him the best make out spots and giving him advice on what songs got which kinds of girls in the mood, and maybe even making sure he knew there were always extra condoms in the glove compartment (and although Dean *certainly* never looked in the glove box the next morning to see if Sam had gotten lucky, it's not his fault he has to replenish the supply so he does kinda keep track.) If he sometimes fantasizes just a little about some of Sam's chicks later himself when he's banging one out in the shower--about what they were like for Sam, maybe sweet and faux demure, laying on the worn back seat with their clothes still on but the door open to give Sam room to get his head up under their skirt, or maybe shameless and wild, going down on Sam at the drive in, with Sam still in the driver's seat and the soundtrack to whatever movie of the week was drowning out his cut off moans--well, if he thinks about those things on occasion, that's just because he's a red-blooded American man, and Sam has excellent taste in women.

Usually.

Sam usually has excellent taste in women.

There was the Ruby thing, of course. He knows--knows for certain, though he could never prove it--that when Sam would pocket Baby's keys and sneak out to get his fix while Dean seethed and pretended to sleep, that sometimes he and that demon bitch would bang right there in the Impala's back seat. Baby would stink of sulfur the next day, and Dean would hardly be able to contain his rage. But what was he supposed to say? "Alastair warned me you weren't the pure little Sammy I imagined and you'd get with any demon whore who'd give you what you wanted, so why didn't I come down off the rack and it could be me instead"? Obviously he couldn't say that. He only even thought it sometimes because Hell had fucked him up so bad.

And there was Rachel Nave. That one Dean had assumed was on him--so much so he'd still felt guilty years later and a djinn had made it the reason dream-him and dream-Sam were estranged. But okay, while he shouldn't have stolen Sam's prom date and definitely shouldn't have given in when she insisted she blow him parked behind the school only three days after said prom, it had all worked out fine. Yeah, Sam had been angry one of Rachel's friends saw the whole damn thing, but far from pulling him and Dean apart like maybe it should have, Sam had demanded Dean drive him to school the next day and pull Baby right up front; had paraded Dean around on his arm like--well. Like *Dean* was the prize in the exchange and there was no denying Sam won.

Anyway, that's all in the past now. These days, things between him and Sam are easy. Now when he gets an eyeful of a gorgeous naked babe like that Piper chick in Baby's back seat with Sam, it's just par for the course. She's hot, Sam's, you know, objectively hot too (what're you gonna do, Dean certainly can't help that). So whatever it's all about, maybe it's not exactly normal, and maybe Sam and him are both a little fucked up, but the world has bigger problems. It's only worth dwelling on in a good way.

[sammygender]

thoughts on how the sam & dean part of the fight before sam left for stanford went !

i am addicted to thinking about precanon so thank you for this <33

i think people r generally way too optimistic about how that initial seperation between them went. dean is awful to sam about stanford even years after he left and years after he came back!! hes still very visibly angry about it in s5 which is NINE YEARS after he left in the first place and refuses to even tolerate the idea it was a good moment for sam. i cannot comprehend how people think 22 year old dean had the emotional maturity to even let sam go without a fight, nevermind be supportive about it.

like. theres this amazinggg art on here of sam hitchhiking to stanford and all the comments are like 'erm that black eye would be from JOHN actually!' (side note but it is so funny to me how spn fans decide john hit them based on implication (which i agree w... to an extent...) but dean hitting sam onscreen multiple times somehow translates to 'DEAN WOULD NEVER DO THAT'. erm. okay.) 'nooo dean would've given sam a lift!'

and like. what show are you watching. if dean would've given sam a lift he would've done it to the bus station in moody silence and then locked the doors of the impala so sam couldn't get out to catch his bus to stanford and they would've started physically fighting for the car keys and dean eventually wouldve let sam get them and sam wouldve left. or something. but it would not be some sweet brotherly moment bc that directly contradicts canon <3

i do think the worst of the fight is between sam & john - that's always what's implied in canon - and in my head dean's just standing there stonefaced maybe refusing to even talk to sam until theyre left alone somehow and he breaks. but i also think dean hits sam at some point, will always have the image in my head of sam showing up to stanford w a bloody nose and fending off questions. (internally hes like no my dad didnt do this it was my brother so its fine. <3.) theres a scene like this in one of my fics so im just drawing from that. but. like....

idk how dean/john finds out. if dean found out before john, i think dean probably wouldve run to him about it in an attempt to get sam Not To Go as much as it would be nice if he didnt, so i reckon they have to find out at about the same time. i think sam is unsure what to expect from dean, who of course (as far as we see both in flashbacks and in canon) alternates between genuine care and support and angry, desperate possessiveness. he probably hopes for the best and expects the worst and gets the worst.

there r definitely lots of different ways it could go....maybe sam tells dean and dean tells john. maybe sam tells john without telling dean at all and thats how dean finds out which totally wrecks him. maybe sam tells them both at the same time. maybe sam never tells them and they find the acceptance letter. this is why stanford fight is sooo fascinating. i feel like i could write five different versions of it and all would be possible/interesting.

but whichever way, i just dont see dean as contradicting john. he generally Doesnt Ever precanon, this is established, he admits it himself, thats why its such a huge moment when he defends sam at the end of s1.....sam going on about dean 'protecting him' is 1. more subtle and probably to do with dean being the one to shoulder most of johns emotional baggage than the heller misinterpretation of 'john hit dean but not sam and thats what this means!!!' (tho i am sure dean did genuinely Protect sam sometimes including from physical violence. of course he did. this isnt to discredit that..i just emphasise the Sometimes.). and 2. partially just classic Sam Rewriting History (u always protected me from dad, from lucifer....girl he did those things very little certainly not always. know your worth sam winchester).

so if dean gives sam a very angry lift (to a nearby bus station...there is absolutely zero fucking way hes driving him to stanford and tbh i already find this quite unlikely but possibilities r interesting) its on john's say-so or at least not disapproval. which like. sure maybe. john certainly is concerned about sam's safety even after he kicks him out, checking up on him at stanford etc, id believe that hed want to ensure sam Gets there even if the fight ended up so bad he told sam he couldnt come back. tho hes stubborn and i dont think hed say it. so maybe itd be a case of dean kind of picking up that that's what john wants and complying even though right now half of him wants to never see sam again and the other half wants to tie him to the radiator so he can never leave. sorry i am literally brainstorming fic ideas in this ask answer now.

anyway....SORRY id say long ass answer as always but this is actually INSANELY long......sorry guys im about to embark upon getting tested for adhd and maybe then my rambles will be, while not shorter in length, more cohesive? tldr fandom is wrong dean is an absolute ASS during stanford fight. obviously sam leaving devastates him and how does dean cope with devastation or perceived abandonment do we think?? hm?? he is just as angry as john for the same and different reasons. and thats really so much more interesting than him being Secretly Supportive. <3

[quietwingsinthesky]

See the old money vs new money motif of gatsby obviously doesn’t translate to Sam/Lucifer, but you know what does work as a parallel? spn’s idea of humanity. humanity as something inherent to one group, humans, but that can be Lost under certain circumstances. (Turn into a monster? Sorry, you don’t really count anymore, even if you don’t want to hurt anyone. Drink some demon blood? You’re walking a fine line, buddy.) And angels are obviously Not Human and Lucifer is the Most Not Human of them all.

And what spn is using humanity for is shorthand for who deserves to be saved, really. Who has inherent worth and doesn’t end up on the wrong end of a rifle. Sam nearly loses that because of his shenanigans in s4, and it doesn’t matter that we, the audience, can tell that this worldview is messed up, that Sam would still deserve to be treated with dignity and not dragged out back and shot no matter how far he went because we know he was being manipulated and pushed to the edge and that his intentions were good. Doesn’t matter. Because Sam’s stuck in that mindset as deep as anyone else. If he loses his humanity, that’s it. No going back. And in s5, he’s clinging on with his fingernails.

And then obviously, here comes Lucifer. Lucifer borrowing the face of Sam’s dead girlfriend to get intimacy he hasn’t earned yet. Lucifer who wants to give Sam everything. Lucifer who understands how Sam has been hurt and what he’s been through and wants Sam to know that he understands. He’s been hurt, too. But, especially after Ruby, Lucifer is not a character Sam can allow himself to sympathize with for even a moment. Lucifer can wear a human face and tell Sam that they’re meant to be with a human voice but he’s Not. he can’t be. he never will be.

And obviously, Lucifer doesn’t want to be human, but that’s the shorthand. Lucifer wants what it promises. He wants to be the one saved/the one doing the saving. He wants to be proven right about everything he’s done. He wants Sam beside him of his own volition.

But he doesn’t really understand any of it. He’s grasping at straws, making overtures that he knows will appeal to Sam without really understanding why. Why does Sam want his family alive? Because if they’d never died in the first place, none of this would be happening. Why does Sam want revenge on the demons who fucked up his whole life? Because he was powerless to stop them when they were doing it. Why does Sam want someone who will understand what he’s been through? He doesn’t want someone, he wants it to be someone human, someone who can look at his experiences and say, you are still worth something. Lucifer can say that as much as he wants, and he will not count!!!

They’re speaking two different languages, and there’s no way for either of them to bridge the gap. Lucifer doesn’t have the experience he would need to actually understand Sam in a way that isn’t purely through the lens of his own life. Sam just flat out doesn’t want to understand Lucifer, he’s been burned and the only time he’ll ever get close is so that he can ultimately turn Lucifer down.

So, new money vs old money. Monstrousness vs humanity. You are either born with it or you aren’t, (and always you could lose it at any time) and any attempt to gain it for yourself will only end in you getting rejected.

[deantransgressions2]

8x23 sacrifice

#1: “which pretty much means that you’re our bitch” (said to crowley)

time tag: 10:41

#2: sam: “i have no clue what to say now” (about confession) 

dean: “well, i mean, i could give you suggestions if you want.” 

sam: “o-okay. yeah. sure.”

dean: “all right. well, i’m just spitballing here, but if i were you, uh...ruby, killing lilith, letting lucifer out, losing your soul, not looking for me when i went to purgatory, for starters.”

sam: “thanks.” 

why did dean offer to give sam suggestions? what possessed him to think sam would ever wanted him to?

time tag: 13:54

#3: dean: “or, hey, h-how about what you did to penny markle in the 6th grade? why don’t you lead with that?”

sam: “well, that was you” 

ok. remember how i said in the s5 episodes how dean always shifts blame onto other people, so he doesn’t have to deal with his own guilt? yeah, here’s an extreme case of that. also, wtf did he do to penny?

time tag: 15:00

#4: “now, if anyone needs a chaperone while doing the heavy lifting, it’s sam.” 

what did he say in the last episode? what. did. he. say. ill tell you :) 

“over the past couple of months, i’ve seen him do crap that i didn’t even think was possible...there’s not a doubt in my mind that he’s gonna cross that finish line. not one.”

so what is the truth? who fucking knows.

time tag: 18:03

#5: tells sam that if he is not back in 8 hours, to finish the trials. very odd behavior. why does sam have to wait around for dean? if sam wants to cure a demon before lunch, then hurray! bc it’s his own decision, not deans.

time tag: 18:15

#6: tells kevin, who is clearly exhausted and mentally drained, to “translate. that’s what you do”. as if kevin is their slave and not an 19 year old kid. 

time tag: 19:51

#7: “you did a lot of damage up there, man.” (said to cas, for no reason)

time tag: 23:01

#8: dean having an existential crisis at the realization that gay people are real. 

time tag:  24:18

#9: tried, and succeeded to get sam to stop the trials. dean has been saying all season how sam isn’t strong enough to complete the trials. how he can’t be trusted. but in the end, it’s dean who can’t complete the trials, huh?

time tag: 35:40

-----------okay i’m gonna pick apart the speech bit by bit and make each section a different transgression because there is a lot wrong with it, all for various reasons. ------------

#10: sam: “so?” and dean is shocked as if he isn’t the #1 person responsible for making sam feel this way...

time tag: 35:57

#11: “think about what we know, huh? pulling souls from hell, curing demons, hell, ganking a hellhound” he never does any of these three things ever again after this. 

time tag: 37:28

#12: sam: “you can barely do it with me. i mean, you think i screw up everything i try. you think i need a chaperone, remember?”

dean: “come on, man. that’s not what i meant.”

sam: “no, it’s exactly what you meant. you wanna know what i confessed in there? what my greatest sin was? it was how many times i let you down. i can’t do that again.”

dean: “sam-”

sam: “what happens when you’ve decided i can’t be trusted again? i mean, who are you going to turn to next time instead of me? another angel, another..another vampire? do you have any idea what it feels like to watch your own brother just...” 

all the reasons why sam wants to kill himself, dean put in his head. look back at 8x01 and see how happy sam was. how healthy he was. now watch this. 

time tag: 37:35

#13: “hold on! hold on! you seriously think that?” uh yeah. you literally told him this not 8 hours ago....

time tag: 38:23 (use this time tag for all below)

#14: “because none of it..none of it is true.” so why does he say it? all the time?

time tag: ^

#15: “look, i know we’ve had our disagreements, okay? hell, i know i’ve said some junk that set you back on your heels” odd way to say suicidal

time tag: ^

#16: “but, sammy....come on. i killed benny to save you. i’m willing to let this bastard and all the sons of bitches that killed mom walk because of you. don’t you dare think that there is anything, past or present, that i would put in front of you. it has never been like that, ever! i need you to see that. i’m begging you!.” 

hey, do you guys remember when dean was gonna let sam die alone just because he had an addiction? haha yeah. good times....amnesia is my only explanation for this. 

time tag: ^

[laufire]

Supernatural s5

I finished it a little while ago, but I haven’t had the time to make an involved post about it -or watch that much of s6 yet; I’m trying to be Resposible and the time I have has been spent in advancing fics a little bit or answering short asks lol.

-I have really enjoyed this season for the most part, but there’s something I need to get of my chest LOL: all through it, the song “Too Many Dicks (On The Dance Floor)” played in my head xDD. Like, listen, I knew what I was signing up for with this show!! I didn’t expect NOT to find it offensive or regressive on multiple occasions!! But I guess s3-4 must have spoiled me lmao. I’m not saying those seasons are the height of feminism, but if you removed its most important female characters, ESPECIALLY Ruby, the plot of the season would fall apart. That’s not something you can say for s5 and preventing the Apocalypse, just sayin’.

It wouldn’t’ve been that hard to expand Meg’s, Anna’s or the Harvelle’s part (they had good material to go there -Meg as the faithful possibly opening her eyes, Anna as the betrayed and the juror jury and executioner, the Harvelles as normal hunters fighting something way too big for them-, but barely any time and like I said, no incidence in the actual plot of the season). Hell, I’m biased but bringing back Ruby would’ve at least taken care of the problem lol. Or if the show had indulged me and kept Bellamy Young as Lucifer, at least. But everyone with a real say in the plot is a dude, or at least wearing one as a vessel (angel’s conception of gender is clearly different from humans, but in terms of ~~representation the results are the same lbr).

-My constant frustrations with Supernatural’s bigotry-related stuff lol, like I said, I really enjoyed the season (that combination is one of the most frustrating things about the show lmao). Especially Castiel’s plot. The guy has reached Potential Hall of Faves status and that’s hum. A Problem xD

But seriously, he was breaking my heart in all the best ways. His search for God (the Absent Father that the show specifically compared to John añsldkfjasf. This show ISTG!!), his disappointment and sense of betrayal at being let down (he called God Himself “son of a bitch”!!!). I was especially fascinated by his Endverse version -that AU will have its own section lol-, although it resulted in making me reaaaally nervous whenever he was close to an addictive substance :). Like yes, those scenes were lowkey humourous and adorable (like when he drinks shots with the Harvelles and Ellen is fascinated and Jo delighted -... lowkey shipping this too btw. Lowkey shipping Castiel with lots of people-, or his combo with Sam when he got drunk), but also, you know, WORRYING xD

Some of my favourite scenes of his were, predictably, his interactions with Meg or Lucifer in 5x10. The Megstiel scene was SUPER HOT (both their voices are very unf-y lol), I can’t wait to edit it. And having Lucifer call Castiel “a peculiar thing” sure was something xD (although lbr, this Lucifer isn’t keeping with his rebel angel reputation, Castiel is carrying that all by himself smh).

Another scene I couldn’t get out of my head if I wanted to is when he uhhhh... completely LOSES IT and starts beating the crap out of Dean when he was ready to give it up to Michael. “I gave everything for you, and this is what you give me?!?” ooooooof. It was hard to watch, and fascinating and intense. I shamelessly loved it lmfao.

Though my favourite moment of his is one that can only be appreciated when you know certain things about s6. It’s the scene where, unlike everyone else, he shows appreciation for Sam’s plan of sacrificing himself to get rid of Lucifer. Because yes, at this point it’s the only thing that can save the world. But Castiel isn’t saying, “Sam’s life is a small price to pay in comparison”, because he will go into s6 and snatch Sam out of the cage immediately. s5 established Sam got out, so with that in mind, he didn’t bring it up because he didn’t want to create false hope in case he failed, but he backed the plan with the intention of saving Sam anyway. I love that. I love him.

-The entire season was Missing Ruby Hours for me lmfao. Like I said, some of the problems in the season wrt female characters would’ve been at the very least lessened if she’d gotten to be here wrecking havoc. But generally I just miss her and What Could Have Been with her here. I enjoyed some of the crumbs (Sam using the witchcraft skillz he learned from her! Sam immediately knowing Meg isn’t Ruby, unlike Dean! Her knife! The ARCHANGEL GABRIEL referencing her as “the demon Sam chose over his brother”!! The callbacks with Crowley or Brady!!), but I would’ve wanted her here, dammit xD.

-Aaaaand we’re finally getting to Sam, who is without a doubt the star of the season, if you ask me. His plan at the end, to let Lucifer possess him in the hopes he can fight back for just long enough to overpower him and throw them both into the cage, with no hopes for himself? This is the kind of Big Damn Hero stunt I’m a sucker for, I won’t lie. And I love that the show felt the need to confirm he was still alive at the end of the season hehe.

He really Went Through It this season and he held on lmfao. On top of everything (the apocalypse, the guilt of being its final trigger, the addiction recovery, etc.), he also had to deal with Dean’s usual bullshit, which is no small feat xDD. Like, sure, from an audience stand-point all those things are interesting (some fave/the fuck moments are when Dean is obviously peeved that Bobby still supports Sam because he wanted Bobby in HIS corner, or when he has the nerve to say he wants to say yes to Michael because he doesn’t trust SAM not to say yes to Lucifer lmfaoooo), BUT IT’S STILL A FEAT XD

One note: for all the talk about bi!Dean, bi!Sam is so SEEN this season xDD. AFAIC he totally hooked up with that bartender Paul (RIP Paul. At least in your last moments you enjoyed Sam, who’s clearly an energetic, attentive lover 😔). And Crowley refers to Brady as Sam’s demon ex-boyfriend and nobody bats and eye lmfao (that story is so angsty... the parallels to Ruby, how he ingratiated himself with Sam by pretending to have fallen off the wagon... ouch).

-I have mixed feelings on Crowley. On his own, I fell absolutely in love with the guy on his first appearance. A demon that DOUBTS Lucifer and doesn’t kiss his ass?? That wants to get rid of him and do his own thing?? And clearly enjoys ~earthly pleasures to the fullest (his complains about how the other demons ate his tailor had me rolling laksjdfa)? The way he turned the tables on Brady? OFC I love him. OTOH boy, does it annoy me knowing that fandom GLADLY embraced him when they condemned characters like Bela or Ruby for similar things. It’s not his fault so I still like him (he’s like Gabriel in that sense), but it’s annoying!

It also annoys me how Dean Must Be Right All The Time syndrome interacts with him lol. This season Dean decides they can trust Crowley (despite Crowley killing two humans in front of him and getting him beat up by Brady lol), so they can. Next season he decides they can’t, so Castiel will be WrongTM because Dean Says So. Ugggggh xD

-To be fair, however, this season has my fave Dean so far LOL. In the love/hate scale, this one has been almost solely in camp love, barring some of those moments of irksome hypocrisy that he’s so prone to xD.

But there was something about how this season’s plot chipped away at him, you know? For all the traits he has that drive me up the wall or unsettle me, I appreciate a lot of his personality because it makes him a unique and interesting character driving the narrative -his irreverence, his ability to think on the fly and get out of shitty situations, his disbelief. Seeing all of those things under siege this season made me hurt for him in a way I hadn’t anticipated LOL. By the time he was ready to give in to Michael (and I love that what made him step away from that choice was Sam showing a trust in him he patently didn’t deserve lbr), sometimes I felt terribly for the guy.

I also wonder if this season kind of marked like... the beginning of the end for him, narrative-wise? Making him Michael’s vessel (his angel condom) is the kind of thing that turns him from subject into object, and that can doom characters ime. The fact that he ~resigns himself to Sam’s death when his identity as a character came with being His Brother’s Keeper is another slight.

-I continue having mixed feelings about Destiel too LMAO. I’ve decided I’m just going to try to enjoy the good and interesting parts while I can, while trying not to think of future developments that’ll likely sour the ship for me lol.

Because in truth, yeah, I enjoy their interactions a lot here! The Endverse was particularly enjoyable for me (back to that in a moment), but the entire season had a lot of gems. That moment in the finale, when Dean is wounded on his knees after Sam sacrifices himself, and Castiel resurrects and heals him with a touch? And Dean is staring in awe and asks him if he’s become God?? Like wtf am I supposed to do with that. WHO SAYS THAT. XDD

-The Endverse. Omgggggggg. The Endverse. I doubt I can say anything about it that hasn’t been said a thousand times, but seriously. I loooove it, all of it. My favourite was endverse!Castiel, ofc. The way he was in No Man’s Land, not an angel and not quite a human, his ways of trying to cope with that, how burned he was... I uncomfortably related to some of it too lmfao, but let’s not get into that xD.

Seeing both Deans interact was gr10 too. They really couldn’t stand each other lmfao (do you understand me now Dean?? They actually reminded me of two OCs in an original WIP of mine that are in a similar situation -in this case it’s the future version purposefully traveling to the past though-, which made me even fonder of the AU). And the Destiel? *chef’s kiss*. The bitterness, like when Castiel laughs when present!Dean berates endverse!Dean about the tortures and then purposefully says “I like past you” to hurt him asñldkfjasf. Or those looks when Dean returns to the past and tells Castiel to “never change” d’aw.

I loved Lucifer!Sam in this episode too (and personally, I think in the finale Lucifer -and Michael- should’ve changed his outfit too. Sam’s clothes just don’t get to The Devil’s levels, but that white suit was perfect). He was terrifying xD.

BTW: I’ve decided that, since we never see endverse!Castiel die, well. He didn’t xD. I could see Lucifer keeping him alive and captive out of a sense of nostalgia, as Castiel is the only other thing close to a fellow angel left. Might even decide to return his powers with time, or to ~entice him with such an offer lol. And ofc I headcanon Sam is still inside, occasionally trying to fight. Cue in all the Castiel/Lucifer and Castiel/Sam fic ideas too (I have waaaaay too many of those for this mini-verse. It’s very inspiring).

-I’m still on the fence at Lucifer’s motivations but I can’t question how the family issues fit so, so well into this ‘verse. “Family is hell” is the show’s thesis, after all xD. IMO the angels in general don’t feel like a family, they’re a military body/cult lol, but the Archangels are another matter. I guess is the whole “only four angels have seen God-slash-Dad” thing, the rest were... well, the help, apparently.

But Lucifer, Michael, and Gabriel do feel like brothers when they interact (I’m guessing here Gabriel is the Adam: discarded by the other two like nothing :)))). Raphael too, but since he doesn’t interact with them... does he get to later? Or is he the odd one out? Did the others avoid him because he kept quoting Nietzsche at dinner?? LOL.

-There are no words to explain how terribly I feel for Adam. JFC that poor KID. Who was kind and helpful and intuitive, and only wanted his mother back and to help stop the end of the world. And that Sam and Dean will leave rotting in Hell for a millennia :))). It’s kiiiiiiiiind of hard to do for your show’s “heroes” when they do shit like that lmfao. It’d be different if they never tried to make him feel he’s family, but Sam tried to convince him with the bs “because we’re blood” and they did a half-baked attempt at saving him from Zacharias, and then... yeah. At least he had Michael in the cage, but still.

-I was already spoiled of this, but the reveal that cupids made John and Mary fall in love is so chilling (good on Dean for punching that cupid asshole, btw). It puts what Mary says about John in flashbacks, about how much she loves him and how perfect he is, in such a terrifying light. And I’m under the impression that the show didn’t bother to deal with this properly when they resurrected Mary and just... I hate that tbh. It’s a narrative choice that should have a huuuge impact, dammit.

-I kind of loved how bitter and angry Bobby was about (temporarily, thanks to Crowley, his new demon bf -watch out Rufus) ending up in a wheelchair. That there were no platitudes or false sentimentality and it just... was.

-The Harvelles’ had a good send off. I can respect Kripke for wanting his faves to go on his terms lol. Having Jo refuse Dean’s offer of a fuck on their possible last night on Earth with “I rather spent it with a little thing I have self-respect”? Not because she doesn’t have feelings for him, but because she thinks she deserves better from him? I love it. This guy knows his pettiness xD

-The fact that this fandom seems to have ignored Gabriel x Kali is one of the reasons I’m never going to vibe with it, sns. Immortal exes? Check. She tricked him and killed him... but then it turns out HE tricked and he’s alive? Check. BUT THEN HE STILL GOES BACK AND SAVES HER, DYING BY HIS BROTHER’S HAND?? CHECK CHECK CHECK. Ugh, why can’t they come back to me. I know, I know, Kali is a WoC and those are only allowed one (1) appearance before they’re killed off, apparently. So it might be a good thing that she doesn’t return xD. But gosh, they were gr10.

-Death the Horseman’s intro cleared my skin. I love him. I love how utterly terrifying he is and how chilling his and Dean’s scene was. And I yearn to find a picture of the guy a little younger and with a goatee, because he’s the most perfect Discworld’s Vetinari fancast I’ve ever found xDD

-I’ve seen tons of commentary over the years, and especially lately for obvious reasons, about how this season finale would’ve been a much better ending for the show. I’m not there yet, and it does sound like the finale was a mess and this one’s was a very well constructed episode (and, ofc, the Final Love Interest was NOT blurry!!). But even if by the end I come to loathe the finale, there’s one reason I already know won’t let me agree on the s5 ending being perfect: God xDD

The episode makes Chuck come across as a ~benevolent figure and no, fuck that, do NOT want, take it away from me!! Give me God as the Big Bad Wolf, the last evil to conquer any day. It’s like Dumbledore all over again: I enjoy the character a lot more if I feel canon and I are on the same page wrt his shadiness xDD

[mittensmorgul]

I've watched season 11 again, and I have a question if you're willing to answer. In season 5, Cas was very disappointed about learning God was basically a "dead beat dad," as Dean called it. But when Cas had an opportunity to talk to Chuck, he didn't seem all that interested in talking to him or even asking a question or two. Why do you think they never had Cas interact with Chuck as a son talking to his father when it was such a huge deal for Cas in season 5?

Hi there! I’m happy to talk about this, because honestly I was personally GLAD that Cas treated Chuck the way he did in s11.

(A/N: I was halfway through writing this when my power went out last night, so now that everything is back on I’m gonna see if I remember wtf I was even talking about... if this goes sideways halfway through, blame Potomac Edison)

Cas had already realized long before exactly who and what Chuck was. I mean, not that Chuck was actually God, but that God and “His Plan” was always a load of BS.

Chuck left the angels a lot of conflicting information, and not a lot in the Free Will and Critical Thinking arena. I was just thinking about season 6, and this sort of feeds into a lot of the same distinction between Cas and the rest of the angels. My personal line of thinking earlier this evening was this line in 6.20:

CASTIEL I'm doing this for you, Dean. I'm doing this because of you. DEAN Because of me. Yeah. You got to be kidding me. CASTIEL You're the one who taught me that freedom and free will -- DEAN You're a freakin' child, you know that? Just because you can do what you want doesn't mean that you get to do whatever you want!

Major Tangent Warning, because I gotta write out what I was thinking earlier in order to explain why I am So Pleased with Cas and his reaction to Chuck in s11, which I think of as abject disdain. This is key to everything Cas had learned, to all of his growth as a person up to that point.

What Dean tells Cas here is in direct contradiction to what Raphael’s self-stated motive in restarting the apocalypse was. Also from 6.20:

RAPHAEL You rebelled - against God, heaven, and me. Now you will atone. We'll start by freeing Lucifer and Michael from their cage. And then we'll get our show back on the road. CASTIEL Raphael...No. The Apocalypse doesn't have to be fought! RAPHAEL Of course it does. It's God's will. CASTIEL How can you say that?! RAPHAEL Because it's what I want. CASTIEL Well, the other angels won't let you. RAPHAEL Are you sure? You know better than anyone, Castiel. They're soldiers. They weren't built for freedom. They were built to follow.

Raphael is just doing “whatever he wants,” in the way Dean was trying to convince Cas NOT to. Because if Dean learns anything in s6, it is the cosmic cost of his own actions. Think 6.11, and the lessons he learns having to play Death for a day. As much as Dean tries to work around the Bigger Picture of the Universe, he does understand that there is a right and a wrong, and that some things are worth fighting or even dying for, but the cost might sometimes just be too great. And unleashing all the souls in purgatory on the planet seems like just a different sort of apocalyptic level of bad... like putting out a fire with a flamethrower.

Cas had to make a choice here. He’d chosen his path every step of the way, wrestled with each decision he’d had to make over the previous year leading up to that point, but he’d passed the point of no return, and his direct prayer to Chuck went unanswered, and he never got a sign whether he was doing the right thing or not.

I’ve argued in the past that he absolutely DID get a sign, in the form of Dean telling him to stop in 6.20. But Cas dismissed him, out of pride, out of hubris, out  of desperation to do the one thing he believed could give him the power to stop Apocalypse 2.0, save Heaven, and also save Dean in the process, since Dean would be back on the radar to be Michael’s vessel if Raphael succeeded in breaking him out of the Cage.

And here’s the really tangenty part of the tangent: it just made me think of all the nitwits who won’t wear a mask in public, or follow social distancing rules because MAH FREEDUMB, you’re impinging on MAH LIBERTY. BUT THE CONSTITUTION!

Because yes, we can do what we want, but we can’t do WHATEVER we want when our actions are harmful to others!

The framers of the Constitution could never have foreseen a pandemic like this. But any SOCIETY where people must coexist needs to put some constraints on liberty, and the framers absolutely DID understand this.

They also couldn’t have foreseen air travel, but we have established rules about this. They couldn’t have foreseen cars and traffic lights and interstate highways, and yet we have rules that govern our behavior there, as well. Air traffic controllers, stop signs, speed limits-- we don’t just have the right to drive 90 mph through a school zone and run through red lights. And yet nobody yells BUT MAH FREEDUMB! when they get a speeding ticket.

Polite society ALSO must include *MY* right not to be killed because someone else decided that traffic laws didn’t apply to them, see?

Basically, wear your mask and shut up about it, whiny pissbabies. This is what is required of you to live in a functioning society. You do NOT have the right to infect others with a potentially deadly illness. Full stop.

But back to Cas and the Leviathan infection he’s about to infest the entire planet with...

Dean was effectively giving him the “wear a mask, nitwit” speech, but on a cosmic level.

And Cas had to live with the consequences of his choice, with the GUILT and DEPRESSION that resulted. And he spent the next few seasons desperately trying to make up for what he’d done, to atone and do whatever he could to redeem himself-- to Dean. He’d tried to redeem himself to Heaven, but the more he eventually began to learn about Humanity, the less affinity he felt for his fellow angels, and for Chuck’s construct of Heaven.

Because back to another previous point, Chuck effectively left the angels two opposing sets of instructions: orders to watch over the earth and act as shepherds to humanity, and orders to bring on the apocalypse at any cost. Can’t do both, truly. Even Naomi will eventually say, right before Metatron stabs her in the head, that she (and the other angels) forgot that their true mission was to protect and defend humanity, and she didn’t know when or why that ever changed.

FINALLY back to the point! WHEEE!

Basically, Cas has, in the six years between s5 and s11, experienced “god-ness” from every angle, experienced his own guilt over what he now believes were misguided actions, that sometimes Humanity has a better answer, and there are some things that just aren’t worth it in the long run.

Mostly, he’s realized just HOW deadbeat Chuck has always been. And the revelation that Chuck had actually been God all along? Saw their pain and suffering at trying to STOP the apocalypse all those years before? KNEW FULL WELL that Sam, Dean and Cas were doing everything they could to try and save the world from basically the entirety of Heaven and Hell, who were plotting the destruction of humanity and most of creation with it. I mean... Cas spent s5 begging for God’s help, to save the world, to convince Michael and Lucifer that they did not have to destroy humanity, and Chuck... had done LESS than nothing. He’d sat there and ghoulishly watched the entire mess unfold like a bad tv show... oh wait... :’D

By s11, Lucifer had not reached that point that Cas had. Lucifer had many other issues, having been rejected and locked up for most of existence, and even HE had been the one in 5.22 to try and talk Michael out of enacting Chuck’s battle plan. Lucifer never had the experiences Cas did (and despite being given every opportunity to have them over the next few seasons after s11, he continues to reject those experienced at every turn anyway, only serving to highlight the difference between Cas and, honestly, most of the rest of the angels). Lucifer had a personal need for a direct apology from Chuck for everything he’d been put through-- starting with taking on the original Mark and ending with the cage.

Of course Lucifer didn’t get an honest apology, because in the end, it was all just a theoretical production to Chuck. He had never apologized, in any of his universes, to any of the beings he created. And he never would. And on some level, Cas-- via his experiences, what he himself had already come to understand about God and creation-- already understood this about Chuck.

Cas... didn’t care about him anymore. He cared about HUMANITY, about Chuck’s CREATION. The creator might be a worthless jerk, but what came out of his creation is a thing of ultimate beauty. Humanity, love, free will, and the beauty of the universe is what ends up saving the world in 11.23, so I’ve chosen to accept this read of Cas and his relationship and opinions of Chuck. Because it’s perfectly in line with the “moral” of season 11.

Plus it’s just so personally satisfying to me watching each individual character’s reactions to Chuck, and understanding how that aligns with all of their personal arcs.

Dean: brought the “how could your forsake your creation” of a broken-hearted son who has finally seen the truth. something he worked out YEARS ago between himself and his own father, so it didn’t come with that particular personal baggage and didn’t completely break him in the process (as it may have done with Cas had Chuck revealed himself, say, in 7.01...)

Sam: brought his life-long hope that God was real, his faith in God’s inherent “goodness,” did the Chuck Fanboy for a bit before seeing Chuck a lot more clearly. He was able to relinquish his idol worship of Chuck as the Savior of Humanity.

Cas: had brought his experience of Humanity and Godhood, the entire spectrum of Creation that he had experienced for himself and grown through. Cas, for all his mistakes, had never stopped TRYING to do the right thing, never stopped doing everything in his power to save humanity and creation from every cosmic threat, while Chuck himself had only hidden away and watched from the sidelines, when he’d ALWAYS had the power to make everything good and right and allow the Winchesters their peace. Honestly, what BETTER response than to treat Chuck like a bit of gum stuck to his shoe?

Metatron: who had basically spent s9 trying to turn himself into Chuck Lite, literally plagiarizing his Supernatural novels to create his own origin story as the new God, and failed miserably. What other angel could truly confront Chuck, writer to writer, and call him out for His Story? Even fallen as low as he could go, Metatron understood first-hand the responsibility of The Cosmic Author in ways even Cas couldn’t, because narrative symmetry. Metatron was always about the Word, as God’s Scribe. He was a bad copy of the original with the names scratched out. He basically wrote the worst self-insert fanfic of all time. And that gave him the narrative space to confront Chuck about everything that Cas no longer had. Cas had long since rejected that role, sided with Humanity, and smashed Chuck’s Word. The original tablet-breaker.

Crowley: carried on Crowley-ing. Doing the best he could with what he had, and somehow miraculously BS’ing his way through.

Rowena: recognized the Biggest Power in the room and ingratiated herself to it for comfort and protection, and hopefully for a bit of power and security.

Billie: gosh she just stepped in at the 11th hour to annoy Chuck. :’D

But yeah, I’ve always been incredibly pleased that Cas basically ignored Chuck in s11. Good for him.

[a-winchester-fairytale]

Secrets and Lies

Summary:  (Between S5 and S6)  Dean has no idea that his brother is alive, but when his sorrow awakens a vision - you do.

Warnings:  Lots of Angst, Dean feeling sad and lost, Soulless Sam

A/N:  Thank you for letting me join your Lie To Me challenge @stusbunker​ Hope you are having a wonderful birthday!!  When I read these lyrics, I immediately thought about Dean and the struggle he had with letting go of a hunter’s life with Sam to try and live a normal one.  I hope I did it justice.

I believe I’ve passed the age of consciousness and righteous rage I found that just surviving was a noble fight I once believed in causes too I had my pointless point of view And life went on no matter who was wrong or right ----Billy Joel

He looked tired, sitting there with that dark haired girl and little boy.  Their backs were to you, giving you the opportunity to watch him for a little while, his eyes looking down at the table in front of him.  He was listening to them, glancing up to their faces from time to time, but not really seeing them either.  There was something different about him – the fight gone from him somehow.

The last time you had seen him, he was fierce and the fire glowed behind his green eyes.  He was fearless, determined, strong, but still kind – just like his brother.  The man you saw sitting across the diner was broken, a stranger.

After a few minutes, they stood up and – after leaving some cash on the table – headed out the door.  His eyes met yours as he passed by your booth, but there was no sign that you registered as someone he once knew.  It was only for a brief moment anyway.  They had saved you from Lucifer – the brothers – almost a year ago now.   You had stayed with them for a month, until you started having nightmares about Sam and Lucifer and the answer he swore he would never give, but you knew he eventually would.  It had been the reason Lucifer was interested in you in the first place, your ability to see things that hadn’t yet happened.

It was a time in your life that you could never forget, but it was only one of thousands for them.  You understood that.  You asked the waitress for your check and started rummaging through your purse for some cash when you were startled.  Looking back up, you were once again locking eyes with Dean Winchester. 

“Hey.”  He said quietly, sitting down across from you.  “How have you been?”

“I didn’t think you recognized me.”  You said instead of answering him.  He just shrugged.

“I did, I just ….don’t say much about that stuff in front of them.”  He admitted, looking away.  “What are you doing here?”

“I live here….now.”  You answered.  “You?”

“Same, I guess.  I’ve been living with Lisa and Ben since….”  His voice dropped off just then.  “I work construction out at the yard on route 10.”  He added instead of finishing his original thought. 

He cleared his throat and ran a hand through his hair and along the back of his neck, but he wouldn’t meet your eyes again.  “Lisa is taking Ben to some school thing tomorrow night.  I get off work around 7:00.  Do you want to have dinner?  It would be nice to catch up.”

“Sure.  I’ll meet you here?”  You asked.  Dean nodded, glancing up for just an instant as he stood.

“I better go.”  He quietly said before walking away. 

He didn’t know for sure why he did it.  Maybe he just wanted to be around someone that knew him and Sam before, maybe he just didn’t want to be alone with his own thoughts with Lisa and Ben out of the house, maybe he just wanted a friend that didn’t expect anything from him.

He loved Lisa, and Ben, but he knew he wasn’t himself.  Most of the time he was angry and felt like a failure.  He missed his brother, and he couldn’t live with the idea that Sammy was locked up with Lucifer inside of him – stuck in some hypothetical cage in hell.  Dean remembered hell all too well.  He still had nightmares about it, only now it was Sam’s face he saw in the flames instead of his own.

Some days it was all he could do just to keep going.  Most of the time, he could barely remember what they had done it all for.  It just wasn’t the same without Sam there.  Now, he knew he spent his days going through the motions, just trying to fake it enough to get by.

You went to the diner a little early the following day, feeling nervous for a reason you couldn’t put your finger on.  It was busy and you distracted yourself with watching the other patrons from a small corner table you had found empty when you arrived.  You smiled when you saw him walk into the diner, his face giving away his relief that you had actually come.

“How was your day?”  You asked as he joined you.

“Same as always.”  He answered with a shrug.  “Sorry, guess that one takes a little getting used to.”  He added when he realized he was being gruff.

“I can see where building houses would be mundane in comparison to what you are used to.”  You tried to joke with him and he chuckled, a light airy laugh.

“That’s the understatement of the year.”  He replied, the smile lingering on his lips.  It was the slightest hint of the Dean you remembered you had seen since you said goodbye all those months ago.

The two of you made light chatter while you waited for your food to appear, then maintaining the conversation as you ate.  Finally, Dean leaned back in the chair and studied your expression as he asked, “I’m guessing you don’t ask because you already saw it?”

“I don’t ask because, although you can tell me anything, you don’t owe me any explanations.”  You replied.

“Lisa tells me the same thing, but i know she thinks it would help to talk about it.”  His thoughts came flowing out without a conscious decision to speak the words.  “I can’t tell her the truth though, so I just don’t say anything at all.  I mean, how am I supposed to tell her that he said yes to Lucifer?”

“Not really pillow talk, is it?”  You muttered, biting down on your lip as soon as you did.  You glanced up at him nervously, but he didn’t get angry.  Instead he laughed, effortlessly this time.

“No, it’s not.”  He chuckled.  It felt good, but the sound was one he barely remembered.  “Did you know?”  He asked after a moment of silence.

You looked away and nodded.  “I knew he would say yes, but I didn’t know when or how it would end.”  

“Well, I wouldn’t say yes so Michael took our half brother Adam, Lucifer was winning the battle with Sam at first, we fought and Sam was able to get control long enough to pull them both into a hole in the ground.  Now they are in the cage.  Apocalypse avoided.”  Dean recounted, the sound of Sam’s name in his ears felt like someone punched him in the chest.

He glanced around the room before taking a flask from his jacket pocket and pouring some in the coffee he had barely touched.

“What about Castiel...and Bobby?”  

“Cas went back to Heaven I guess.  I haven’t seen him a while.  Bobby went back to Sioux Falls.  Sam made me promise to go to Lisa and try to leave that life behind, to be happy.  I think they just want to give me a chance to do that.”  He explained, rolling his eyes.

“But you’re not.”  You volunteered for him.  He smirked.

“Not really.  I try to be.  Sometimes I forget for a second and I am, but it doesn’t last.  I care about Ben, and Lisa tries so hard.”  He confided, shaking his head.  “I think I could love her, but something in me just won’t let me get there….at least not yet.”

You reached out, taking his hand in yours, ignoring the pang in your chest at the way he talked about Lisa.  He looked up to meet your eyes, surprised at the electricity he felt from your touch.

“This isn’t your fault, you know.”

There is was, the uncanny way you had of reading all the things he never said.  He knew your secret, that you got flashes of the future, but he also knew those flashes didn’t tell you what he was thinking and feeling deep down inside his heart.  He still couldn’t understand how you always seemed to see all of it.  

Dean didn’t say anything back.  He just watched as he turned his hand so he could wrap his fingers with yours.  He ran his thumb along the side of your hand gently.

“Give me your phone.”  You told him after a few minutes.  He blinked like you had shaken him back from a place far away.

Without questioning it, he let go of your hand to reach in his pocket and handed over his phone.  You entered your phone number into his contacts and handed it back.

“Now you can call me whenever you want to.  It would be nice to stay in touch with you this time.”  You told him.

“Yeah, it would.”  He agreed.

When it was almost time for the diner to close, you followed Dean out to the parking lot.  He surprised you by walking up to an older pickup and unlocking the driver’s door.

“Don’t tell me you traded your baby for the truck.”  

“Definitely not.”  He scoffed, faking offense at the idea.  “She’s been garaged.  It just didn’t feel right, you know?”

“I understand.”  you nodded.  It wasn’t surprising that he would have a hard time driving that car and looking over at the empty passenger seat after everything.

“I know you do.  You always have, although I still have no idea how.”  He told you, twirling the keys in his hand.  “I think that’s why I said all that stuff.  I haven’t said it to anyone else.”

“You can always tell me anything.”  You reminded him instead of telling him the reason was that you cared for him, and had since he pulled you out of the prison Lucifer was keeping you in.  How could you possibly tell him that now, after everything?  It didn’t seem fair.  Instead, you reached up and wrapped your arms around his shoulders.  

You felt him hug you back, holding you tighter than you expected.  You closed your eyes and smiled at the warmth you felt in his arms.  Although everything in his life had changed, you couldn’t stop from thinking that he still felt the exact same, still had the same smell.  You inhaled softly so he wouldn’t realize that you were trying to memorize it. 

The two of you said good night and you watched as he drove away.  You could feel his heartache in your own.  With a deep breath you turned and headed back to the apartment you were renting.

You flew up in the bed, your clothes soaked from sweat, your heart racing as you tried to catch your breath.  You reached over and flipped on the nightlight, swinging your legs over the edge of the bed and sipping on the water you had left sitting on the nightstand.

It had been months since you had a nightmare like that, one that you knew wasn’t just a dream but a vision.  You couldn’t make sense of it.  It was about Sam, but not.  At least not the Sam you remembered.  The Sam you remembered was kind, patient, empathetic.  The one in your vision was beating a cop on the side of the road and was riding with someone other than Dean.  For a moment you thought it might have been Lucifer and the thought sent shivers down your back.  Then you remembered the name listed on the police car and you knew you had to find out for sure.  You reached for the phone and called the airline to book a ticket to Rhode Island.

Arriving in Bristol immediately felt like a mistake.  You kept thinking to yourself that if what you saw really was Lucifer, you had to question your own sanity for purposely seeking him out.  You didn’t even know when that vision would actually take place.  The only thing you knew was that the only person you ever harbored feelings for was lost without Sam and if you could give that back to him, you knew you had to try anything.

You finally saw him the following day, heading through town with the same man you had seen him with in your dream.  You couldn’t help but notice the cut on his forehead and the slight rip in his shirt, convincing you that the assault you visioned had already happened - although neither of them seemed especially worried.

You followed them for a little while, trying to stay far enough away to avoid being noticed, but close enough to hear them planning the hunt.  They turned a corner, but when you did the same, neither of them were anywhere to be found.

You turned a couple of times, cursing under your breath before heading back out toward the street.  Suddenly, you felt someone grab you and shove you against the brick wall.

“Why are you tailing us?”  Sam’s voice boomed, his strong hands gripping your shoulders.

“I wasn’t sure it was you at first, Sam.”  You answered, nervously.

“Hey...I know you.”  Sam commented, his eyes squinting as he tried to remember.  He released his grip and took a step backward.  “Did we….?”  He asked, making a gesture that certainly didn’t leave anything to the imagination.

“What!?  No…”  You scoffed.

“Shame.”  He replied with a suggestive glance.

“What are you doing here, Sam?  And who is this guy?”  You asked, gesturing to his companion standing just out of earshot.  Something was definitely off about Sam, but you couldn’t quite figure out what was going on. 

“Hunting.  Didn’t you hear?  There are people behaving like spiders here.”  He answered.  “And that is my grandfather.”  He added matter-of-factly.

“I thought you didn’t have any family other than Dean.”  You asked.  Sam leaned his head back and rolled his eyes.

“Is that what this is about?  Dean?”  He asked you.  “Look, my brother is living the all american apple pie life he was meant to live with some girl he fell in love with and her kid.  No big deal, but there are still monsters to hunt, so that’s what I’m doing.”

“He thinks you’re dead!”  you exclaimed, glancing around and lowering your voice before finishing  “And sitting in hell with Lucifer and Michael.”

“I was….for a little while.  Now I’m back.”  He confirmed.

“Sam, how could you be so cavalier about this?”  you asked, confused.  Sam thought about it for a second.  He knew he was different than before he went into the pit, but so far different for him had been better.  He was stronger, faster, a better hunter.  He couldn’t allow you to make him feel like it was wrong to be any of those things.

“I’m not trying to be anything, but why should I go back and pull Dean out of a life he is happy in?  It’s what he wanted.”

“Because Dean’s not happy.  He will never be happy thinking his brother is dead.  You of all people should know that!”  You argued, but Sam merely shrugged.

“I’ll think about it.”  Was all he said, walking away.  You stared after him, too shocked to move.  You felt confident that he wasn’t Lucifer simply pretending.  If he had been, there would have been fury and manipulation.  This Sam wasn’t any of those things.  Instead, it was like he didn’t care about anything or anyone.  No real feelings, just indifference.

You couldn’t help but wonder if Dean wasn’t better off not knowing this version of his brother.  .  

As you pondered it all on the plane ride home, you glanced through all of the phone messages you had ignored from him while you were gone.

When you arrived back at your apartment, Dean was sitting on the porch outside.  “Are you okay?”  He jumped up and asked as soon as you got out of the cab.

“Dean, what are you doing here?  How did you even know where I lived?”

“Trust me, you aren’t that hard to find in this town.”  He teased.  “Sorry to just show up like this.  You didn’t answer and I guess I just started to get worried.  Old habits.”  He added with a grin.

“It’s ok.  I..um...had some family stuff to take care of, kinda last minute.”  You told him, opening the door and offering him to come inside.  Dean shook his head.

“I better not.”  He answered.  “I should probably get back.”

“I know I told you that I was going to be here for a while, but it doesn’t look like that is going to work out.”  You told him, almost as surprised at the words as he was.

You hadn’t planned to say it, but now that you had you felt like it was right.  You would never be able to keep a secret like that from him, seeing him hurting every day.  Besides, if Sam was right, and Lisa really was who Dean wanted, it would break your heart every single time you saw them together.  Better to let him go now.

“Are you sure?”  He asked and you nodded.

Dean took a few steps toward you until he was standing right in front of you.  He reached out, hugging you and you felt him sigh.

“Don’t be a stranger this time, okay.”  He whispered in your ear.  “I’ve said good-bye to so many people, you’d think it would get easier.”  He added, trying to lighten the darkness that fell between you.  

Slowly he pulled away and headed back to the truck, his shoulders a little lower and his steps seemed heavier.  

“Dean, your brother….”  You blurted out, but stopped yourself when he turned to face you.   “Your brother would want you to find a way to be happy.  I really hope that you do.”

“I know.  Maybe someday.”  He replied, getting in the truck and driving home.

Dean pulled into the driveway and sat in the truck for a few minutes, taking a couple of drinks from the bottle in his glove box.  He glanced around a couple of times, unable to shake the feeling that someone was watching.  Finally he shrugged it off to hunter’s paranoia and went in to sit down to dinner.  

“You okay?”  Lisa asked when he seemed particularly quiet.  Dean nodded.

“Yeah.”  He answered, turning his attention back to Ben.

Dean took a long drink from his glass, never noticing the shadow that stood just on the edge of the light, watching through the window - trying to decide if you were right or if his brother really was better off not knowing the truth

_____________________________________________________________

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[missjackil]

@noxbait asked:

What do you think Sam meant when he said "same circumstances I wouldn’t" in s9?

This has been a topic of debate since it happened. So much drama and confusion, both on the show and within the fandom. It was a very sad time indeed. Samgirls think Sam means that he wouldn't let an Angel possess Dean if he was dying, and Deangirls think Sam was just trying to hurt Dean because he was mad at him, and some think he actually meant, he wouldn't try to save Dean’s life period, which everyone with an IQ over 20 that has watched the show knows that isn't true.  Well, I don't believe either answer is correct, and I’ll tell you why. 

I think the answer is much clearer if you don't assume Sam is talking about the possession, but about Dean talking him out of closing the gates of Hell. I won't argue that Sam is angry about Dean tricking him into being possessed, but that’s not the focus of this argument. It starts when Dean tells Sam that he saved his hide back there (at the spa) and at the church, and at the hospital, and he'd do it again. Sam says that's what the problem is, Dean thinks he’s his brother his Savior who has to swoop in and save him and he thinks its the right thing to do but it's not. Kevin is dead, Crowley is in the wind and they're no closer to solving the Angel problem. Sam asks “Tell me, what is the UPSIDE of me being alive?”

Of course for Dean, it’s the simple fact that Sam isn't dead. For Sam, had he died, none of these things would be a problem.  This isn't “Had you not gotten me possessed” its “Had you let me die...” 

As we saw in S5, Sam is a martyr. He is willing to die to save the world. Now Dean is a martyr also, but he had yet to give his life up for the world. For Sam yes, he has died for Sam, but not for the world. When Sam chose to sacrifice himself in S5, Dean was very reluctant, but he didn't try to stop him, so for Dean to try to stop him now, in Sacrifice, Sam feels like theyre not on the same page anymore and he basically said this in Sharp Teeth. They don't see eye to eye on their roles in this anymore, so when Dean says “If the situation was reversed, and I was dying, you’d do the same thing” Sam is responding “No Dean I wouldn't, Same circumstances ( you giving your life to save the world) I wouldn't” 

Now, this still sounds OOC for Sam, doesn’t it? But it's not. First, we know Dean took what he said the wrong way, as though Sam wouldnt save his life period, But Sam has done it many times before. and even went over and beyond the call of duty even when he couldn't save him.  In S10 Sam tells Dean “I can’t lose you” and Dean says “Did you change your mind on that? Cause thats not what you said before” and Sam says “You know I didn't mean.....” all while Sam is Hell-bent on saving Deans life the entire season. ( I will get to Deans death scene in s9 “I thought you were cool with this?” “I lied” at the end of this essay if you're still awake) However, when we start off S11, Sam reasserts that they have to stop doing this. They need to stop saving each other at the expense of the world and the lives of others, so he talks Dean into doing his thing, save the girl and the baby, but he needs to let Sam do his thing, put his life on the line to save the world. 

Fast forward to the mid season of s11, and we have Lucifer confronting Sam on the same issue. He thinks he’s gone soft.  He’s telling Sam he doesn't have the balls anymore to make a great sacrifice for the world and he cant stand to lose Dean again, Sam disagrees and Lucifer says “Then why did you let Dean talk you out of closing the gates of Hell? Cause the old Sam wouldn't have that, not ever. And then we come to Sam’s big moment, telling Lucifer what's what, but I think we all get hung up on Sam saying he’s not ready to be his bitch, and not paying much attention to what he says before that “Im ready to die, Im ready to watch the people I love (Dean) die”. Yes, at that point, Sam was willing to let Dean die to save the world if it was necessary and he proved this in 11.23 when he made no argument about Dean being the soul bomb. Of course, he was upset about it, but he didn't try to talk him out of it. So, Sam was being honest when he said “Same circumstances (if you're trying to save the world) I wouldn't”

Now, Sam is never gonna do that again, as we saw in Prophet and Loss. Enough of this dying alone bullshit. He’s gung ho now on “If we die, then we do that together too” (Unfinished Business)

Now the problem of Dean’s death scene in 9.23 “I thought you were cool with this” “I lied” , 2 things need to be said about this. Jared said at a panel after s9 that he was supposed to say “I didnt think it would go this way” but forgot his line, said “I lied” and they kept it. Also, it was in response to their argument in the trailer park earlier in the episode. Dean tells Sam he’s gonna take down Metatron and’ Sam says “I know” and Dean says “No matter the consequences” and Sam says “I know” so he’s cool with Deans plan to take down Metatron no matter the consequences, but there he was trying to save Dean instead of letting him stay there to try to keep fighting. 

Sorry it was winded but I hope this sheds new light on a long-debated topic

Thank you Noxie!!

[lovedsammy]

stars in my black and blue sky -(sam & castiel)

Coda to 14.13. The events of the altered timeline leave a profound effect on Sam and Castiel, one that neither of them can seem to shake without reopening - and healing - old wounds.

Note: I know I’m not the only one that was horrified about the fight that prev!timeline!Cas had with Sam in 14.13, right? Castiel has never physically harmed Sam like that before, and it disturbed me quite a bit. I figured it might’ve bothered Sam, too, and that was the reason for that anxious look he had when Cas came into the bunker at the end of the episode. I used this scenario to bring up instances where Cas HAS hurt Sam by breaking his wall or when Lucifer used his body to hurt Sam, and how this event triggered some of those memories for Sam. Because one thing about PTSD that is common is sometimes things happen, and they can be either completely unrelated or semi-related to the previous trauma, and it can bring it all back. Sam’s behavior in this fic is a result of that.

I also feel like it’s worth mentioning that some of these darker, self-deprecating thoughts are Sam’s, not mine. I disagree with how he views himself. But Sam has a habit of keeping his emotions inside, and trying to placate others when it comes to them. He brushes it off with “the problem’s me��; he’s said before, and that’s the tone I went with in this fic. Sam’s come a long way from his s5 self-blame days, but he still tends to make issues be his problem vs others who want to help him. That’s what people who’ve experienced PTSD and Depression do (I’m guilty of it), and it’s a very real mindset I wanted to address.

Here you go, guys! @avalonsilver @wendibird @sealionfoam @flightoftheseraph @stargazingbros @avacynangell @spectaculacularmooseketeer @winchestersoldiersblog @casquecest @sastiel-daily

Also on Ao3: 

-

Sam’s barely had a moment to gather himself, to try to slow the tremors in his still shaking hands, when he hears the bunker’s metallic door open. His mother and Dean, both blotchy-faced and red-eyed, exchange a quick glance with each other, and then at Sam. And as if on instinct, as though they are all thinking the same thought, they head into the main room. Sam’s heart lurches, and he tells himself not to cling to any half-hopes. They’d just seen John disappear minutes ago, and the temporal paradox should have corrected itself with him returning to the past. But maybe something went wrong, Sam reasons. Maybe it was already too late to change things back. And maybe, some selfish part of him hopes, they could really have Dad back for good. Maybe the universe, maybe God, was finally giving them a win for all that they’d sacrificed, maybe…

A whirlwind of beige and a flash of dark hair appears from behind the door, coming to a stop at the guard rail. It’s not John, but Cas. The presence of the angel was usually one that, for Sam, bestowed upon him a sense of peace and calming. He was his best friend, his family. A constant, gentle wave that always kept him afloat above the surface when Sam otherwise would’ve drowned. All of those long days and nights without Dean, stretching on into weeks and months…. Cas was the only other person besides his mother that Sam could remember being by his side for almost the entire time. Cas always had his back, and apart from Dean, he was the only other person to be involved in Sam’s life for as long as he had.

But instead of being a welcome sight, Sam finds that this time… he isn’t. And it takes him a moment to figure out why. It isn’t that he’d been wishing for his father instead; it’s something else entirely.

His body still aches from the earlier altercation with the angel - or the previous version of him, anyway, well before Cas had met him and Dean. But even with knowing the difference between the two, Sam can’t help the shudder of discomfort that radiates down his frame, and he is only half-aware of acclaiming a defensive stance, his expression wary.

“Mary. Sam, Dean,” Cas greets them, his eyes roving over each of them pleasantly, and displaying a softness that had been absent in the other Castiel. Nevertheless, Sam’s guard stays up, palms clammy at his side. He flexes his fingers, whether or not it’s to reach for an angel blade for protection or just out of nervousness, he’s not sure. Because if he looks hard enough, he can see that version of Cas still, and if he looks even harder… he can almost see Lucifer.

Castiel notices, because of course he does. His angelic powers could surely pick up on the mood of the room. It’s not just Sam that’s feeling apprehensive at his arrival, but Dean and Mary as well. Yet, Cas’s fixation lingers on Sam, his brows furrowing worriedly.

“What happened?” He asks.

“What happened,” Sam scoffs, and God, he feels so emotionally drained, still reeling from it all, that he can’t quite bring himself to speak. He looks to his brother for explanation, and he’s so damn grateful that Dean knows him so well, knows when Sam has reached his limit.

“Well, there’s a story,” Dean says. “Come on, let’s go talk in the kitchen. Where’s Jack?”

Cas gestures over his shoulder. “He’s getting our things from the trunk.”

“I’ll go help him,” Mary says hurriedly, and she brushes past her sons, giving each of them a gentle, comforting caress as she does. And Sam doesn’t know how she does it. How she can comfort them, her children, when she’s just lost the love of her life. How she could be so strong for them when she was coming apart at the seams herself. They were supposed to be the ones comforting her right now. It wasn’t the first time they’d lost Dad. For her, it was.

“Come on, Sammy,” Dean’s hand on his shoulder pulls Sam from this thoughts, and he nods, realizing that Cas has joined them at the base of the stairs. He can feel the angel’s gaze on his back, but he doesn’t make any attempt to address him.

A few minutes later, Jack and Mary come find them sitting at the table in the kitchen, and the boy is just as concerned as Cas is about what transpired. He asks Sam outright, but Sam only shakes his head, not meeting anyone’s eyes. He wants to comfort Jack, to assure the kid that it was okay, that nothing was wrong, but he can’t. And he thinks that must make him a failure of a co-parent. All of this time, through everything that had happened, Sam had been strong enough to console Jack, to be there for him and encourage him. But right now it was like all of that strength that he’d somehow managed to conjure up through the past few months had all been drained out of him, leaving him fragile and withering, weakened.

Sam had thought he’d reached his breaking point the night with Dean outside the hospital after Donatello’s recovery, when he’d launched his fist into his brother’s face and clutched onto the back of his jacket in Dean’s arms. But it was just a precursor to this. He’s cried more in the past six months than he’d cried in his entire life, it seemed.

They remain there for a long, long time, well into the night.

It’s Dean who does most of the talking. Sam manages to chime in every once in a while, and Mary does so even less than her sons. When Sam does muster the courage to look at her, his mother’s expression is distant, faraway, reliving the past twelve hours. She holds on to her can of beer as gingerly as if she were still clutching onto John’s hand, afraid for the moment that she’ll have to let go. It’s a painful realization, that he and his mother were alike in that way, that they both tended to close off when dealing with things that hurt them.

At a quarter past two, Mary retreats back to her bedroom. Probably to cry her eyes out, Sam thinks. He’s not confident that he won’t do the same. Part of him wants to get up and escape back to his room, too, but he quells the urge down. He doesn’t think he’d be able to sleep, anyway. He’d only lie awake with his thoughts, the desires and regrets, especially of his father. But more than likely it would be the other, much darker corners of his mind, the thoughts that he was barely avoiding to succumbing to, that would haunt him. And he was going to put off facing those as long as he could. So he stays, finding some solace in being among his friends and family. Even with how conflicted he was feeling about being near Cas, it paled in comparison to the pain that he’d feel of being alone.

He reminds himself that this Cas, their Cas, has never done what the other version of him had done. He didn’t deserve the blame that Sam was indirectly casting at him. The angel had healed, protected, and safeguarded him, almost from the moment they’d met. Castiel had fought off Lucifer to keep Sam safe, and even his own brethren at times. So, Sam’s issues - they were his own, and he didn’t need to drag Cas into them.   

“Your father,” Castiel murmurs around his bottle of beer, awestruck. “I still can’t believe it. I wish I’d been here. I’d have liked to have met him.”

Dean snorts, getting up to toss out the empty beer cans. “Oh, yeah, buddy, believe me, I wish it’d been you, too. Not the asshat version of you with that dickbag Zachariah. You really were Heaven’s soldier. He tells you to kill, and damn, man, you listened.”

At the mention of the other Cas, Sam stiffens, clenching his jaw. “Dean -” He cuts in, warningly. But he must go unheard, because the angel speaks at the same time.

“What version of me?” Cas inquires, tilting his head. “Was there more to it than your father showing up? You said the timeline had changed, but… me and Zachariah…?”

Jack’s curiosity is once again piqued, as it had the entire time they had been explaining what happened. “Wait. Who’s Zachariah?”

Dean waves a hand absently. “Ah, he was just some jackass head honcho angel that we killed who wanted us to start the Apocalypse and really had it out for us. He was Cas’s boss. Anyway, uh, yeah…. I’m guessin’ time was trying to fix itself, like Sam said. You and Zach showed up to try and fix it, found out it was us, and tried to kill us. Almost did, too.”   

“Kill you?” Cas demands, incredulous, and for a second, the angel catches Sam’s eye, and it all seems to click in place. “That’s where all of those cuts and bruises on the two of you are from. I did that to you. I… I’m so sorry, I -”

Dean gives a one-shouldered shrug, finishing off his beer with one swig. “Nah. Hey, man, no hard feelings. You had a stick up your ass back then. It isn’t the first time you’ve beat the hell outta me. Besides, you’ve changed for the better, all right?” He reaches over to pat Sam’s face gently, and Sam soaks it up, amazed that even after all of these years, his big brother’s touch can still soothe him so easily. “Anyway, I’m gonna call it. ‘Night, Sammy. You know where I am if you need me.”

“Yeah. Night, Dean.”

He watches his brother leave, mouth going dry, and chugs the rest of his now warm beer. It burns the back of his throat, and he forcibly clears it. He wants to try and make conversation with Jack and Cas, but without Dean and his mother here, he suddenly feels exposed. Maybe he just needed the night to cool off, to reign in this state of panic he seemed to be in, and get a handle on it. That usually did the trick. If he managed to get some rest, he’d be good again in the morning. And he’d be able to brush off this - whatever this reaction was to his friend, and Castiel would be better off for it.

“You know, I, uh…” Sam says after a long moment, “I should… I should probably go to bed, too.” He flicks them a strained smile, and clamors to his feet. They’d gone slightly numb from sitting for so long. “Sorry if I… um, see you in the morning.”

Maybe tomorrow he wouldn’t feel so weird, so raw, and like something had broken in him. He gets to the doorway before Jack’s voice sounds from behind him, sad and desperate.

“Sam, wait,” The boy calls, and it makes Sam pause. Sam hates that it does. He can’t refuse the kid anything, even if it was at the expense of himself.  “Sam… are you all right? I’m worried about you. Please… just tell me if you’re not okay. Tell me how I can help.”

The question makes Sam open and close his mouth several times, and he surprises himself when he answers,  “I… I don’t know, Jack. I don’t… ”

He feels lost, in a haze, and it has nothing to do with the alcohol. He just stands there, staring at the floor, for what feels like an infinitely long time, in pregnant silence with nothing but the ticking of the clock. For a second, he wonders if he’s dissociating again, like during his post-wall days, unsure if Cas and Jack are even there, and resists the urge to finger the scar on his palm. This was real.

“Jack, can you give a moment to talk to Sam?” Castiel implores the nephilim after the pause, but his eyes are on Sam, who finally meets Castiel’s gaze guiltily, shamefully. Jack appears hesitant, his eyes glossed over and sorrowed, but a nod from Sam encourages him, and he leaves the two of them alone.

Sam wants to say something. Anything. “Cas - ” He tries.

“Sam… it’s not just what happened with your father that’s bothering you, is it? It’s much more than that.” Castiel appraises the younger Winchester, his features pained. “It’s about what happened in the alternate timeline. With the other me.”

Sam stiffly nods. “Yeah,” He says, hoarsely. There was no point in being dishonest, not when Cas could already tell that something was going on with him.

Cas knowingly returns the gesture. “I understand. I hurt you, and I tried to kill you, as well as Dean.”

“Yeah. Well, not you-you,” Sam quickly amends, because damn it all if he was going to let Cas carry the burden for this. “It was the you before you met us. Or, from another dimension or something. But it wasn’t you. And that’s… that’s something that I need to keep telling myself, because it’s so damn stupid that I can’t seem to stop myself from - from reacting like this. It’s not your fault that I can’t deal with my own bullshit.”

“Don’t,” Cas interjects sternly. “Don’t you dare turn this on yourself. Whatever it is that you’re feeling, whatever it is that you need to express, do it. If you need to hurt me back, do it.”

Sam pales, stunned. How could Cas even suggest that? “Cas, I couldn’t… I couldn’t do that to you, man. I’m not gonna hurt you just to make myself feel better. In all the time I’ve known you, you’ve never hurt me, so why would I -”

“Now we both know that’s not true,” Castiel disagrees kindly. “I may not have splintered your bones or drawn your blood, but I’m no less guilty of hurting you than that version of me had. I tore down your wall and made you relive the horrors of the cage, and experience all of that suffering all over again.”

The admission makes Sam’s chest clench in remembrance. He practically chokes out, “Cas, I… I’ve forgiven you for that. You know that. It’s not the same thing.”

Castiel sighs. “Yes, maybe you have. Even when you shouldn’t have, you have. But what about how I hurt you when I let Lucifer possess me, and he drove his fist - my fist - into your chest cavity? Was that not a horrible violation to you?”

“Yeah, but you saved me,” Sam answers, readily. “You fought back, you took control, and you stopped him.”

Castiel takes a couple of steps towards him, and Sam has to fight the urge to flinch. “Sam... let me ask you… right now, do you see me? The other me? Or do you still, at times, see Lucifer?”

The question is still spoken in that soft, empathetic tone that Cas has used so many times with him, and yet it leaves Sam breathless. At his reaction, Castiel continues.

“You’ve experienced a great deal of trauma, Sam, and some of it has been at my hand. I am truly sorry for that. This was yet another instance. You need time to process it, and hopefully come to terms with it and be even stronger for it. But that isn’t something you can make yourself do over night. And you never need to feel sorry for reacting to something that has affected you, especially if it involves me.”

Sam’s vision blurs with wetness, and he quickly swipes at his eyes and exhales hollowly. “I thought I was past it. Or at least the worst of it. After Lucifer died, and I confronted Nick, I thought… I thought maybe the fear wouldn’t be as bad, you know? That maybe all that he’d done would just leave like he did.”

“Often, a completely unrelated - or even related - event can trigger a fear response to a situation,” Castiel tells him gently. “The human mind is incredibly resilient, but also very fragile if it’s hurt enough. Your strength amazes me everyday, Sam, but even the strongest people have their breaking point. With everything that has happened recently with Dean, and your father, and now this. It’s no surprise that your mind and body are reacting this way. It takes its toll.”

Sam doesn’t say anything, but he doesn’t need to. Castiel understands, and that was all that he needed from him.

The angel finally approaches Sam further, and this time, Sam doesn’t flinch away. “I am truly sorry for what happened, Sam. I’m sorry that I hurt you, no matter which version of me it ended up being. I’m sorry for this - and all the other times.”

The younger Winchester feels a weight lift off of him. Not enough, but a bit. “It’s okay, Cas. I don’t blame you. Not really. I forgive you. I just… you needed to know, I guess. But… don’t feel guilty about it, okay? I’m glad, so glad, that despite what happened, despite Dad, and everything… that you’re who you are now. Like Dean said: you’ve grown. You’ve changed. And man, even… even with who you were back then. It wasn’t bad then, either. You weren’t. It was the situation, just like this time.”

“And the reasons for those changes are down the hall and standing right here in front of me,” Castiel smiles. “You and Dean, and now Jack - you’ve made me who I am. You saw it. I was just another, obedient, mindless soldier who had very little regard for my father’s creation. I was merely emulating what my brothers and sisters believed, and did what my superiors directed. Heaven is my family, Sam, but it’s not my only family. And while on the subject of family… I am so glad that you were able to speak with your father. I know you’ve wanted that for so long.”

“Me too,” Sam croaks. “We said some things that, uh… needed to be said. For years. I feel like we finally understood each other. And I feel…” He considers. “I feel lighter, when I think about him, you know? Like some part of me has finally healed.”

“You got closure.”

“Yeah. Closure.”

“Sam. May I?”

The question is readable on Castiel’s face, and after a few seconds, Sam closes his eyes in assent. The fingers that tickel his forehead are warm and so is the grace as it flows through him, leaving his skin unblemished and no longer painful, healing.

Sam feels himself start to relax for the first time that day.

“Do you think you’ll be able to sleep?” Castiel asks.

Sam shrugs. “I don’t know. Maybe. I can try.”

The angel nods. “All right. In that case, I’ll go talk to Jack. He’s probably still worried.”

“Let him know that I’m okay,” Sam says. “And that… tomorrow, I’ll talk to him. I’ll tell him everything. It’s time that he knew.”

He knows by the look on Castiel’s face that he understands what Sam means, and that it wasn’t just what transpired over the past day, but a lifetime of events that lead up to this. His friend jerks his head in response.

“In that case, I’ll leave you to your rest. Good night, Sam. If you need anything… just let me know.”

“‘Course,” Sam smiles, and this time, it’s genuine. “Night, Cas.”

He heads to his bed room, shaking his head with amusement at the sound of deep-rumbling snores coming from Dean’s room, and plants face first down onto his bed. He falls asleep within minutes, and there are no nightmares that night to plague him.  

[spnjediavenger]

Chapter 8: Sacrifices

FINALLY!

Super excited to finally get back into White Wolf again. And also excited to work with @sarimaposthumous again in a glorious fanfic collaboration, crossing over our two SPN fics! Love ya, girl!

Disclaimers: I do not own Supernatural or any of its characters; nalusa falaya research/info was taken from a few different websites which are tagged at the end

WARNINGS: like...two curse words?

Time frame: Between S5 and 6

Spoilers: Season 5 and 6 spoilers?

Notes: Please leave a comment and let me know what you think! And much love to those who have liked and/or reposted!!! <3

Chapter 1, Chapter 2, Chapter 3, Chapter 4, Chapter 5, Chapter 5.5, Chapter 6, Chapter 7, Elliana’s Journal

Chapter 8: Sacrifices

Elliana sighed and Jenny rubbed her eyes before each grabbed another one of Bobby’s lore books. After finding out about Lucifer’s cage having a “backdoor key” of sorts, the girls had been spending hours trying to find any kind of leads on the location of either. 

           Jenny groaned and closed her eyes before resting her head on the book in the hopes that osmosis would work this one time. “I need a break,” she sighed. 

           “Me too,” Ellie agreed, hopping up on Bobby’s desk while Jenny leaned on the corner rubbing her temples. Bobby had gone out just a few minutes prior for a food run, leaving the girls to continue researching.

           “I don’t know about this, Jenny,” Ellie said. “It’s taken us so long to find this key thing and now we’re coming up with nothing.”

           “Well hello, ladies,” a Scottish voice said from behind them.

           The girls turned to find Crowley standing in the doorway, glass of whiskey in hand. 

           Jenny rolled her eyes, “What do you want Crowley?”

           Crowley stepped towards the scotch and poured himself a tumbler. He swirled the amber liquid and took a sniff before scrunching his nose slightly. He took a sip, relishing the annoyance from the huntresses. Taking another sip, he stepped towards them before speaking, “What do you girls know about Orenda Alley?”

           Jenny shrugged, “Only that it’s dangerous and most people who go there don’t usually come back. Why?”

           “Wait - Orenda Alley?” Ellie stepped in. “Where the nalusa falaya supposedly lives?”

           The room’s other occupants looked at her, saying nothing, and Elliana looked between them before stopping at Jenny. “Nalusa Falaya? Native american legend?” 

           Nothing.

           Ellie jumped off the desk and over to one of the bookshelves, running a finger along the spines until she picked one out. She flipped through the pages and placed it down on Bobby’s desk for Jenny to take a look.

           “Nalusa Falaya is an old Choctaw legend; translates to ‘long black being.’ The Nalusa Falaya adults would hide in the swamps and call to travelers. When their victim came close, they would jump out and scare them unconscious. Then, they would jump on the unconscious victim and eat them. The Choctaw elders would warn the tribe against going out at night and to travel in groups when the Nalusa Falaya were near. 

“Others believed they would attack at twilight and bewitch victims with its evil magic - which is where ‘orenda’ comes from; translates to ‘magical power’ in Iroquois. It would first attract a hunter’s attention by calling out to him. Then, when the hunter turned around, he was so affected by its power that he would fall helpless to the ground. When they couldn’t fight back, the nalusa falaya would insert a thorn in them and possess them from there. It’s a common rumor that there’s only one left. And it’s supposedly in Orenda Ally.”

           “Smart girl,” Crowley complimented, nodding his head a bit.

           “Okay, I’ll repeat myself...why?” Jenny arched a brow and crossed her arms. 

           “I have a job for you two.”

           “Excuse you?” Ellie scoffed, crossing her arms as well. “You think we work for you or something?”

           “Now, now,” Crowley appeased. “No need to get counteractive, my dear.”

           “Just get to the point, Crowley,” Jenny let out an exasperated sigh.

           “The nalusa and I have some...unfinished business, of sorts,” Crowley said. “I’d like you two to bring him to me.”

           “Again, do you think we work for you or something? You can’t just pop in here and-”

           “So I suppose you don’t want to get your dear Sam Winchester back, then?”

           The girls froze and looked at Crowley.

           It was Jenny’s turn to scoff at the king of Hell. “Do you really expect us to believe you want the Winchesters back in action? I’m sure business has been booming since they shoved Luci back in the cage and Dean hooked up with Lisa.”

           Crowley put his hands up as a show of mock surrender.

           Ellie looked at Jenny, skepticism lacing her features. 

           Crowley finished the drink and set the tumbler down. “Maybe I miss the good old days. Regardless, you bring me the nalusa and I will give you back your beloved moose. As for you, Jenny, I might be able to scrounge up something valuable to sweeten the deal for you.”

           “How can you get into Lucifer’s cage?” Elliana challenged. “We’ve been reading for days - and that’s after I spent a week of my own researching - trying to find a way into the cage and you expect us to believe you can get in?”

“Always one for quarrel, aren’t you, little wolf?”

“Only Gabriel can call me that,” Ellie said in a heated tone.

“I’m the king of hell, darling. I have my ways, I can assure you of that.” Crowley turned to Jenny now. “Call me when you have it.” He reached into his jacket and pulled out a black business card with red lettering on it that read ‘King of Hell’ along with his phone number. 

           The two gave him a bewildered look as Jenny reached out to take his business card. “Just trying something new,” he shrugged. “Oh, and by the way, girls,” Crowley said, turning back around for a moment. “Our dear ‘lusa requires a sacrifice before making any deals.”

           “What?” the girls said in unison. 

           “What kind of sacrifice?” Elliana asked, though she didn’t really need to.

           “I have a feeling you already know the answer to that, darling,” Crowley countered before vanishing.

           “A human,” Ellie said with disdain. “It wants a human sacrifice. Either to eat, bewitch, or mate with. According to most lore…”

Jenny paced around Bobby’s living room. “Maybe we don’t have to sacrifice anything? We could just knock it out, shove it in a trunk, and drop him off at Crowley’s doorstep.” 

           “We don’t even know what to expect with this thing. I’ve read probably five different descriptions on what nalusa falaya look like.”

           Jenny paused in thought. “Okay, what are the most common characteristics?”

           Ellie thought for a moment before sighing lightly. “Tall, almost emaciated, melts into shadows like a phantom. How do we catch something that can become a shadow?”

           “You use a trap,” a voice said from behind the girls. They snapped their heads up to see a skinny, unknown man standing in the doorway with a wide, kind grin on his face.

           Ellie immediately backed into a bookcase as her heart rate sped up a bit; Anaya remained quiet but still went to stand protectively in front of her.

           “Elliana, this is Garth. It’s ok, you can trust him. Wouldn’t hurt a fly,” Bobby said soothingly as he stepped into the room as well, back from his errands.

            “Well, not unless it has fangs,” the younger man joked, wide smile still on his face.

            Ellie let out an airy laugh and a small smile crept onto her face; she moved into the room a bit more, feeling comfortable enough to leave the wall.

            “Wow – you already got a smile,” Bobby said, impressed. “Takes a lot to get one from her these days.” Elliana threw Bobby a Winchester bitch face. He knew the reason she didn’t. But Ellie knew he was only teasing her.

            Garth simply shrugged, smile never leaving his face. He then turned to Ellie. “Elliana is a beautiful name,” he said kindly.

            “Thanks,” the girl said, blushing a bit. Elliana quickly grew comfortable around Garth, his demeanor friendly and lighthearted. How was this guy a hunter? she thought.

           “And Garth, this is Jenny. Another colleague of mine.”

           “It’s nice to meet you, Jenny!” he said, reaching out his hand to her.

           Jenny shook his hand and gave the hunter a surprised once over as she took in his scrawny frame. It was a wonder he hadn’t been killed yet.  

           “Likewise. So, tell us about this trap?” Jenny said. 

           “Getting right to it, I see,” Garth noted.

           “It’s been countless hours of research. It’d be nice to not have to dive back into those books,” Jenny closed her eyes and shook her head. Bobby cast Garth an affirmative nod. He smiled back and walked up to Bobby’s desk, pulling aside a pencil and a piece of paper.

           “Ok, so you know how there’s devil’s traps for demons, soul eater traps, anasazi protection symbols, and other things?” he asked the girls. At their nods, he continued. “The choctaw indians have their own symbols as well. These,” he said, drawing out two symbols. “Are two such symbols. One is called a ‘Shaman,’ which represents the medium between the visible world and the spirit world; the other represents control over forces and the gravity of the earth. Put them together,” he draws another. “And you get the choctaw spirit trap.” Garth smiles a bit proudly as he finishes.

           “That’s great, Garth,” Ellie said, a small smile of interest on her lips. “How did you find this?”

           “I didn’t.”

           “What?” Jenny asked in unbelief.

           “These things are really rare,” Garth defended. “Any story or sightings you hear of, either no one has gotten close enough to notice anything, or they...don’t come back. So I looked into the most common choctaw symbols. Sometimes we have to learn as we go. Like I heard Ellie did with the grootslang.”

           “It’s the best thing we have right now,” Ellie said. “We don’t have anything else to go by,” she continued, pleased enough with the information. “So we have an idea - or at least the start of an idea, on how to capture the nalusa falaya.”

           “Now we just have to figure out where Orenda Alley is.” Excitement began to lace Jenny’s features. 

           “I think I might have that covered,” Ellie said with a faint smile. She ran upstairs and back down with her leatherbound journal in hand. 

           “Though I’ve never seen one, I’ve had an interest in the nalusa falaya legend and researched it a little while ago. While the Choctaw tribe is from Mississippi, nalusa sightings have all come out of Michigan, which is where Orenda Alley is supposed to be.”

           Ellie had opened up her laptop and brought up a map of Michigan.

           “There’s an old, run-down dock at the edge of one of Michigan’s lakes. Many sightings have come within a 20-mile radius of it, and a few disappearances from the area as well,” she reported, looking at her two companions.

As the three continued to discuss their plans, Jenny and Elliana filled Bobby in on everything that happened before he returned. He was grumpy that Crowley had been in his house again; and his scowl deepened as they told him this was something Crowley had asked of them, making him suddenly a little less accepting of the idea. But when Garth announced he would go as well, Bobby reluctantly agreed but still made sure to note he still didn’t like it. He wanted to accompany them, but the girls convinced him not to, saying more people would give a bigger risk of being noticed if the nalusa falaya were to somehow sense them.

With a defeated sigh, Bobby grumbled, “So who’s doing what? You’ll need a negotiator, sacrifice - which I still don’t like, and a lure to draw this thing into a trap - which you still don’t know how to do.” What a great confidence builder he was, the trio thought.

“I’ll be the sacrifice,” Ellie said after a moment of exchanged glances.

“No!” Bobby said sternly. “I ain’t lettin’ you get yourself killed if things go south.”

“Ellie, I don’t think that’s such a good idea…” Garth said, already becoming a bit defensive of the youngest in the room.

“I’ll do it,” Jenny said confidently, also not wanting to possibly risk Ellie’s life.

“No,” the girl shook her head. “I’ve already gotten you into enough trouble with...when Luc-...when I got taken,” she continued with some difficulty. “I’m not letting you be put in another situation again.”

“Have Garth do it - no offence, Garth,” Bobby said.

“No, I’m with you,” Garth said assuredly.

“Out of all of us, it would probably want me the most. And being the youngest, I doubt it would take me seriously as a negotiator.”

Garth turned to Jenny and Bobby for help, a begging look on his face that the other two shared for a moment. But since Ellie was adamant about being bait and would not hear otherwise, they reluctantly agreed. 

 As the group of hunters packed for their hunt, tension filled the air. Ellie brought some of the duffel bags to the truck before saying goodbye to Anaya, not wanting to risk her for a more dangerous hunt. 

Jenny was about to head out and Bobby grabbed her and Garth by the shoulder. 

“You idjits best not let anything happen to her,” Bobby lowly spoke in his gruffy tone. He knew Ellie would throw a fit if she thought he believed she couldn’t handle herself. 

Jenny nodded and let out a sigh as she swung her own duffle over her shoulder and stepped outside.

The trio waited for dusk in Upper Michigan before they would put their plan into motion. The beautiful colors of the sunset were a stark contrast against the rundown and dilapidated harbor below them. It’s been years since it was last functional; due to all the situations and strange happenings, it had quickly fallen into disrepair.

The sun now below the horizon, Garth slipped off to begin drawing the choctaw spirit traps. 

“You ready?” Jenny asked Elliana. The younger girl nodded, trying to refrain from frowning; she didn’t want to let out how anxious she was as she internally fought off a panic attack.

The girls checked their weapons one last time; earlier while trying to think with a similar mindset as with the grootslang, the group had tried to think of what might be able to injure the nalusa. Thinking of what the native american tribes used as weapons, they figured there must be some sort of rock or stone that weakens it and came up with agate - which is supposed to be one of the best stones for protection. It can supposedly drive away spirits, protect from psychic attacks, and stop magic. So they filled shotgun shells with it.

Jenny cuffed Ellie’s hands behind her, the cuffs broken in a way that appeared to be locked, but Ellie could easily escape at the opportune moment.

The girls took a deep breath before walking down a set of stone stairs and out onto the docks. Jenny scanned the darkening waters looking for any signs of the nalusa falaya. They began walking past one of the boat houses when she heard something that made her freeze. 

“Jenny,” she heard Shane’s voice whisper to her from the shadows. 

“Fuck.” 

While she was distracted, a bony hand gripped Elliana’s mouth to prevent her from screaming and pulled her away from Jenny and into the boat house they just passed. When inside, Ellie was thrown to the ground, handcuffs broken off; but the freedom of her hands did nothing when she froze upon the being in front of her.

 “Jenny, it’s okay. We can hunt this monster together. I’m here for you,” the creature whispered from behind her in Shane’s voice. She shook her head and spun around only to find Ellie missing. 

“Shit.” Panic coursed through her as she began to call out for Ellie, but was stopped short before she heard his voice which caused fear. 

It was Lucifer. 

“Remember when you said you would do anything for me?” he chuckled. “Well that time is now.” Jenny let out a shot toward the shadows near one of the boathouses. 

The moment after she did, the creature practically melted out of the shadows, its tattered hood covering the majority of its face. Only its mouth full of sharp, crooked teeth could be seen. Its emaciated form was pronounced by the dilapitated cloak dusting its shoulders. As it made its way towards her, Jenny noticed its stick-like arms with long, bony finders at the end; each one wielding razor-sharp nails. Beneath the creature’s protruding ribs, its body dissolved into a misty, shadowy form giving the appearance of a phantom. 

 Elliana looked away from the nalusa before her to try and get a grip on herself. I will not be another victim of this thing, she thought.

Ellie stood and pulled a knife out of her boot; a piece of agate she and Bobby were able to cut into a blade so she would be able to hide it away in case of a situation like this.

She advanced on the creature and took a swing at it with her knife, only for it to deflect her arm and push her to the ground. It dug its nails into her back, only eliciting a pained hiss from the girl, as she didn’t want to give it any satisfaction. It lowered its form closer to the ground and its face to her ear.

“What. Does Crowley. Want?” it whispered dangerously, digging its nails in a little deeper.

             Jenny raised her gun ready to shoot before Garth’s voice rang out behind her. “Hey you fugly monster! Come get it!” The creature turned towards Garth and made its way towards him, but stopped before the trap Garth set, and turned its face up in a snarl. Garth opened his mouth to say something, but Jenny raised her shotgun and fired off an agate-filled shot at the nalusa. It caught the creature off guard and stumbled into the trap and began struggling. 

Garth looked up all bewildered at Jenny. “Nice job, but, it’s practically invisible; what if you shot me?!” 

Jenny shrugged, “I took a shot, it worked. Make sure it stays put while I go find Ellie.” 

She took off towards the boathouse where she originally heard the whispers. She shone her flashlight around it and noticed a covered set of stairs that led down to the water. Pushing back the bushes, Jenny gingerly made her way down the steps, shotgun in one hand and a flashlight in the other, and found a landing below the docks along with a hidden door. Forcing the door open, Jenny took a deep breath and made her way inside and down a very dimly lit, grungy passageway. She quickened her pace when she heard muffled screaming and stepped into a dim, moldy room. 

Ellie had been tied up by her wrists, bruised, and blood stains formed on her back. 

Jenny rushed to her aid, but Ellie’s eyes widened and she shouted out in warning, “Jenny, no!”

Jenny was suddenly flung across the room. Her gun slid to the other side and a second Nalusa approached Jenny. It began mimicking her mother’s voice. “Sweetie, stop fighting and give in.” Jenny fell to her knees, overcome by the magic radiating off the creature. Its thorn was out and ready to pierce her, but not before something lodged itself in the nalusa and incapacitated the creature. Ellie had managed to break free and strategically threw her blade and Jenny snapped out of her trance. 

She looked up at Ellie and grinned, “About time.” 

Ellie let out a faint chuckle, “Sorry, I was a little tied up. Took you long enough to find me,” she smirked lightly, rubbing at her raw wrists.

Jenny stood up and drew a trap under the nalusa to keep it from moving. “Well I was busy with my own Nalusa. Hopefully Garth is okay. I guess we should get these two to Crowley before they wake up.” They dragged the body to a worried Garth, with his own furious Nalusa who was still trapped, and shoved the second one into the same trap. Jenny pulled out the business card and dialed Crowley. 

“We’ve got them…”

“Them?”

“Well, you can say it’s a two for one special...do we need to summon you?” 

“No, love.” Crowley appeared behind them with a few demons who grabbed the Nalusa Falayas and vanished. “Well done. Here is your gift Jenny.” He extended an empty hand. 

She looked at him incredulously and scoffed while crossing her arms, “You’ve got to be joking.”

“Oh right...my mistake.” He snapped his fingers and both Jenny and Ellie fell to the ground from a searing pain in their eyes. 

Garth knelt down by Ellie, “What are you doing?! Let them go!” 

“No need to get your knickers in a twist,” Crowley looked at his watch. “C’mon, I haven’t got all day.” Jenny blinked and looked up. In Crowley’s hand, was a little black puppy. “Your very own little hellhound and now the two of you can see hellhounds...you’re welcome.” He handed the puppy to Jenny and turned around.

           “Wait, what about our agreement?” Ellie spoke up before he could leave. 

           “We’ll be in touch.”

“Woah wait - what do you mean ‘we’ll be in touch’? You said you’d get Sam if we caught this thing,” she said hotly.

“It took an army of angels to free Dean from hell. Things like this are a bit more complicated than these little hunts of yours. Be patient.” With that, he snapped his fingers and vanished. 

Ellie let out a deep sigh before turning back to her two companions.

“I guess we should start heading back to Bobby’s,” Garth said, a sympathetic look on his face.

The girls agreed and the three began their ascent to the street when Ellie stopped.

“Wait! I forgot about this,” she said, pulling out a tattered scroll from her pocket. “I found this when the second ‘lusa had me in the boathouse. I have no idea what language this is but it seemed important.”

Jenny and Garth shared a confused look before Jenny took it carefully in her hands.

“I have no idea. Let’s take it with us and see if Bobby can find something to translate it.”

Elliana nodded and they went back to the truck and drove away.

Jenny, Elliana, and Garth returned to Bobby’s, exhausted. Garth helped him patch Ellie up before Bobby ordered the three of them to get some rest, promising a good meal when they woke up.

That said and done, Jenny handed him the scroll Ellie found. He said he’d never seen anything like it but would start hitting the books. “Again.”

About a week later, everyone said goodbye; Garth moved on to start another hunt, telling Ellie he would be willing to help her out if she ever needed a hunting partner; Jenny returned to The High Priestess with her new Hellhound, Duke, and a copy of the scroll that was found amongst the Nalusa’s possessions with a promise to keep looking for ways to get Sam out of hell; and Elliana stayed with Bobby, trying to figure out what to do next.

Epilogue

 *another week later*

Via text message

 To: [Jenny]

Something’s wrong with Sam.

“Research” credits to:

https://sasquatchchronicles.com/nalusa-falaya/

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Choctaw_mythology

http://www.native-languages.org/morelegends/nalusa-falaya.htm

https://listverse.com/2014/10/21/10-disturbing-mythological-beings-from-around-the-world/

https://www.google.com/search?q=choctaw+symbols&client=safari&rls=en&biw=1323&bih=735&tbm=isch&source=iu&ictx=1&fir=koDrPbZDgxdN6M%253A%252CJMgcxEuO2OKqYM%252C_&usg=AI4_-kQabYtW5fJPeRhzywhyqDCxsgAbZg&sa=X&ved=2ahUKEwjQyJHXwevgAhVRtlkKHXBfDJIQ9QEwAHoECAIQBA#imgrc=zRLfiMnY6xYxVM

https://www.google.com/search?q=nalusa+falaya&client=safari&hl=en&prmd=imnv&source=lnms&tbm=isch&sa=X&ved=2ahUKEwiVlMPCvtrgAhUGhOAKHcUZCw0Q_AUoAXoECAwQAQ&biw=320&bih=454&dpr=2#imgrc=A1H78NFqoqGKaM

https://www.ghostlyactivities.com/stones-that-protect-against-evil-spirits/

Chapter 9 ->

Forever tags: @bellero

[canonicallysoulmates]

Supernatural 14.07

The one where BuckLemming almost wrote something good. (And then decided against it). 

The more I think about it, the more I realize this somehow manages to be a very pointless episode.

I’m disappointed. And I’m not disappointed as I have been before because the episode had potential that was never reached but because it committed the same sins that so many other episodes have done before, there’s only so many times you can see the same shit done again and again before you realize that’s the new standard.  For me this is the episode that made me realize it; and in the process killed a bit of the hope that I had that this show would go back to being good. 

But that’s enough about my feelings for the show, lets get to my feelings about this particular episode. 

This episode gives me a fucking headache, I don’t even know where to start. Oh, wait I do, with the one thing that made me angry. Where the fuck was Sam? The second half of this episode was going Sam Winchester who? 

Look at the description for this epi:

Sam. Sam and. Not just Castiel! Sam and Castiel. Track down a Shaman. 

Except that’s not what happened at all. They got the contact info from Ketch and then Castiel went to go get the dude’s help. By himself. Sam was at home doing Chuck knows what cause we don’t see him again until the end of the episode. 

It’s like the writers realized that they wrote Sam caring too much and being too important in the hospital scene so they decided to not incorporate him into the rest of the episode cause they’re trying to downplay the Sam and Jack relationship. So we don’t actually see him look for or even interact with the Shaman, we don’t get to see him with Dean and Jack, we don’t even get to see or hear any of his SOS phonecalls to help Jack. 

As the episode progresses you see less and less of Sam, fuck you BuckLemming 🖕🏼

It’s pretty much a given but if you had any doubts, yes Sam and Dean were separated in this episode. Don’t think I need to go into details of how much I hate that. 

My favorite part of this whole episode was the hospital scene where Sam and Dean were total worried papas and if the whole episode had been that I would have been so happy but it wasn’t cause they were separated and instead we got some weird fanfiction thing out of Dean and Jack and Sam was practically nonexistent after that scene so fuck you BuckLemming. 

Since I brought it up let’s talk about the Dean-Jack scenes. 

Listen, I am fully camp Dean being Jack’s dad. If you know me, you know that. But their scenes in this episode mostly confused me cause we have not seen any actual, proper development between these characters to make it realistic that they would be so comfortable and friendly around each other. 

Yes, Dean has slowly become more parental towards Jack and Jack’s respect and admiration for Dean has been there since the beginning but these two had a very rocky start, let’s not forget Dean wanted this kid dead for a really long time and just a couple episodes ago (in another episode written by BuckLemming)  Jack was written to sound as if he didn’t care about Dean. 

I have not been shown enough interaction between these two for me to not find Dean Winchester, who is so protective of his car he barely lets Sam drive it, passing Jack who has never been behind the wheel and doesn’t even know the basics of driving, the keys to his precious Baby, OOC. And explaining it as Dean feeling guilty cause of how he treated Jack is lazy writing. If the whole episode from beginning to end had been about these two bonding and Dean offering Jack how to drive had been at the end I wouldn’t have minded so much.

But that wasn’t nearly as weird as the scene of these two fishing. I swear, it wouldn’t have been so weird if it weren’t for the fact that Jack mentions a time when Dean told him about John taking him fishing. Why the fuck didn’t we get to see that scene? When did that convo happen? What happened that made Dean open up to Jack about his father? What is the story? When did John take Dean fishing? Was it before Mary died and he broke? After Mary died but before he got consumed with the need to hunt down yellow eyes? After Sam left as an attempt to rebuild their once again broken family? Was Sam there? 

WHY THE FUCK DIDN’T WE GET TO SEE THAT SCENE?! That would have a. shown actual development between Dean and Jack b. given us a look into Dean’s relationship with his father c. given us more insight into who John Winchester was, all at the same time! 

i love the Dean-Jack relationship but I wanna actually see the progress, I don’t want them to suddenly be bffs, I wanna see how they build their relationship, I wanna see honest talks and honest moments between them that are true to their character and their history together. The moments were cute but I couldn’t properly enjoy them cause of the lack of shown, proper development between them. 

Moving on, in repeated sins, they concentrate too much on another character, in this case, Nick. 

Every time the episode got close to being good, it would cut to Nick and his whole storyline. Which update: I still don’t give a fuck about. 

Every. single. time. 

Like at the beginning, I’m starting to get sucked into the whole hospital thing with Sam and Dean being worried papas and then just as I’m about to put my phone down and get comfy to watch, it cut to Nick and what he was doing. Which had nothing to do with what was going on in the hospital fyi. 

There was no connection between what was happening with Nick and what was going on in the rest of the episode. The only reason Nick was in this episode is the same reason why the character is still alive and that’s because one of the duo has a hard on for Mark Pellegrino and is wet for the character they used to play aka Lucifer. Who I’m 99% positive is going to come back, as teased in that Terminator like scene at the end, and thus s14 is probably going to go full poor man’s s5. I am not excited. 

Sidenote: I am also 99% positive Michael is either still inside Dean or has some hold over him.

Honestly this episode wasn’t as bad as I thought it was gonna be but it was still pretty bad. It’s somehow pointless, they oversimplify what is happening to Jack (he doesn’t have his grace so his own body is killing him), the scenes between Dean and Jack are cute in concept but seem out of place, Sam is barely in it, the boys are separated, there was barely any Rowena. Rowena was in this episode and she barely appeared, all the fucking side characters they have had on this show that I don’t give a fuck about, I finally get an episode with a side character I love and they barely appear, fuck you BuckLemming. Nonetheless she did provide me with my second favorite moment of this episode which was her rushing to the bunker to help Sam cause she thought Dean was sick, I fucking loved that, that is so cute! 

That and Sam and Dean being worried parents at the hospital were my highlights of this episode. So there were highlights, but still the episode over all is not something i find worth recommending. 

[naruhearts]

13x20: “I don’t care what happens to me”-- Dean Worthless Winchester, John Winchester’s Death and Destiel

Oh my god!

I gotta say, 13x20 was an ANGSTY FEELSY amalgamation of meta and foreshadowing for the Big Finale Triad of 21, 22, and 23. It laid down S5 tones, key themes, and narrative direction, hoo boy!!! 

I’m sorry I posted late! Time-of-month sickness was an interruption, yikes.

I’d like to start with the Dean & Sam final scene, then talk about the major culminating implications this Father-centric episode specifically holds for our beloved protagonist Dean Winchester the shackled child — the Man behind the Mask (which S13 has been a gigantic narrative mirror of) — and the Destiel narrative/Cas in relation to Dean’s arc and character disposition *rubs hands together*

Glynn & Co made Dean’s axel-swinging between communication and miscommunication pretty clear to me in the last scene of 13x20, especially regarding the dialogue that people thought was character regression into Brodependency.

After sleeping on it, I didn’t see the same scale of toxic codependency from seasons ago a la ‘there ain’t no me if there ain’t no you.’ It wasn’t mutual. I saw it as: 1. more from Sam’s end, and 2. Dean’s willingness to protect his loved ones (Sam and CAS, in bold) combined with letting go and the textual acknowledgement of his low self-worth carrying over from 13x05 (the low self-worth he internalized across 99.6798% of his life course).

Firstly, Dabb’s subverting S5. 

He put independent Dean in S5 independent Sam’s shoes here, and it’s surely not a coincidence that Dean himself referenced their implosive S5 Michael-Lucifer mess: “Where we were last time we had front row seats”. S5 exhibited Dean’s Holding On vs Sam’s Letting Go, with lost Dean crawling to Lisa’s door and yeah, we know how that prickly-edged story went. It’s finally Dean Letting Go vs Sam Holding On. It’s indicative of S13 faithless Grieving!Sam re: Mary/Jack seeking his own emancipation and finding real introspective purpose away from the codependent strings he’s clinging to. We heard Sam’s “If we die, we die together”. Don’t fret, his current arc is constructed to get rid of this kind of thinking and move towards Faith!

Dean’s prepared to cut the codependent strings — already has via 12x22, and then in 13x05 (albeit in a suicidal grief-ridden manner. Speaking of, 13x20 this time shifted focus to Sam’s risk-taking re: Lucifer and the Apocalypse in itself. Unsurprisingly, we already witnessed this narrative train running in reverse -- early S13 Grieving!Dean and Functioning Sam swapped roles post-13x06 and in 13x11. Man, I am pumpin’ my fists).

Atop the bro dualism, Dean’s behaviour in 13x20 concerned me the most, saddened me the most, and intrigued me the most. 

:’( 

I may have yelled said that Dean has emotionally matured, eliminated toxic coping mechanisms, achieved an internal balance between his femininity and non-performative masculinity (acknowledged in 13x04; actively manifested in 13x16 onwards x, x), and gained a sense of non-combative communication and understanding (seen in 13x14), yet his low self-worth constitutes the biggest roadblock to his FULL personal growth.

Okay, I know you’ll exclaim: after Cas returned, Dean wasn’t depressed anymore! 

Well, that’s accurate and relatively inaccurate. Dean’s low self-worth is the central facet of his characteristic development, and it does have a guaranteed correlation with depression. Yes, you can feel worthless without being clinically depressed, but worthlessness is maladaptive and contributes to feeling depressed --> Dean’s depression. 

Dean’s case is a heartbreaking one. He’s been depressed for YEARS. He never really cared about what happened to him for YEARS = our Dean meta textualized in gloomy letters!!

Yes, the single individual -- the canon WIN -- that placed him back on the rails was Cas, his Everything, resurrecting from the dead. Cas’ return drastically mitigated Dean’s severe nihilistic depression (aka his rock bottom nihilistic grief when he lost Cas) BUT it didn’t necessarily fix his pre-existing depression.

S13 depicts Dean -- despite Cas’ bright presence -- as traveling the rails empty. There’s not enough coal to fuel his engine because he LACKS the mental faculties to appropriately cope re: trauma and give up his control. This is why he seems to oscillate between character progression and regression, and he still isn’t 100% HONEST and OPEN about his feelings. He’s keepin’ it in. There’s no healthy psychological unload taking place.

Case in point? Dean’s regressed to drinking the hard booze again; Cas FILLS the negative spaces (as he’s been doing throughout S13). Dean is not disclosing the whole truth -- not saying what he’s genuinely feeling (to CAS. I discuss it x, x, x). 

Plus, Dean’s internal worries re: Death, the next apocalyptic war, Cas’ Heavenly plans, and his respective destiny/fate (Death’s “See you soon”) just exacerbate the personal instability he’s experiencing.

And then we observe Dean’s parental duty rearing its head:

To me this is what reiterated the Brodependency being dismantled in late S12/S13 (12x22 and 13x12/15 in particular). Don’t get me wrong – Dean’s mostly let go. He was willing to leave Sam behind in 13x05 after losing the one person who textually means Everything to him. 

Dean’s psyche is at a point right now where he AIN’T okay with Sam’s risk-taking. He questions his little brother’s half-baked plans and sympathizes with the close-to-here manic desperation (again, mirroring S5 and S13 Grieving!Dean), except Dean’s low self-worth puts him in the dark position: I’m doing it, all of it, for YOU (Sam and Cas) since I don’t value myself enough to do it for ME. He further says--

He obviously does, but us, the audience, know--in dramatic irony fashion--that this is NOT Dean’s entire truth.

He values his brother more than himself, and he values CAS more than himself. He cares about what happens to CAS. Nothing Else Matters. And we’re aware that Cas canonically occupies the highest pedestal in Dean’s life, which TPTB absolutely highlighted during Dean’s grieving arc, Cas’ return, and 13x16 onwards. 

(In this scene, Dean continues to tell Sam what he’s NOT telling Cas. USE THE RIGHT WORDS.)

 Cas is the love of Dean’s life, his Everything, and his Win. I mentioned before that losing Cas a second time would destroy him.

(**Dating 101: Dean therefore cannot establish a truly healthy, mutually interdependent relationship with Cas if he has low self-worth. He’s trying, but his personal losses -- more LOSSES than wins this season i.e. AU!Charlie/Mary/Jack in AU, non-confronted traumas i.e. Cas’ death, and insecurities cripple his ability to give Cas ALL of himself, out in the open!)

Although Dean HAS FAITH (Cas), the decisions he’ll formulate to protect/save Sam, Mary, Jack, and especially Cas aren’t exactly derived from mental stability. Keeping them safe is too paramount to Dean that the choices he’ll encounter could be questionable/dangerous, putting him in the line of (sacrificial) fire. 

Sound familiar? It’s deliberately supposed to sound familiar!

Jack, TFW’s Unity/Balance symbol and characteristic mirror, even stated that ‘if he can’t keep others safe, what’s the use’?

Dean will make the penultimate save-the-world (read: save my family) decision ALONE regardless of Sam’s regressive wish to die together. And I wrote that his arc is now DIRECTLY paralleling S11 Casifer & Depressed!Cas’ S11/12 arc, especially (mis)communicative 12x19 --> 12x23 ‘I Have Faith’ Cas. There’s prevalent narrative symmetry in Dean’s arc (intrinsically linked to Cas’ arc).

“You, me, and Sam...we’re just better together” indeed, and this year’s season-ender should unite TFW like last season--unite Dean and Cas--in order to change their fates/defeat Death, but Dean’s decision will be an isolated one --> one that was foreshadowed as he faced expositional Daddy Issues™ Loki by himself. And Dean may not tell Cas, just like Cas hadn’t told Dean in 12x23 about his sacrificial act.

These vastly important storytelling threads ultimately conjoin with “I don’t care what happens to me. I never really have” as the PINNACLE of Dean’s 13-year long characterization; the progressive climax sparking his death/decay so that he can be reborn and revitalized aka THIS IS IT!! Dean’s impending death and self-sacrifice for his loved ones (CAS) = the ultimate catharsis in that S13′s narrative has finally approached the IRL scenario of 13x16 ghost kid (DEAN)’s release from father figure Bad Man -- from the negative influence of all the other literal (Loki, Odin, Lucifer, James Turner) and metaphorical (Asmodeus, Buddy, Michael) fatherly mirrors permeating this season. He’ll LET GO of everything that incarcerated him since he was 4 years old: his Blunt Tool role, control, manipulation, parental abuse and absenteeism, parental duty, the heteronormative patriarchy, and the long-standing trauma slapped on him by Alastair, Amara, and Cain.

He’ll burn the remaining pocket knife of all pocket knives tethering him to his past -- John Winchester x, x He’ll self-transform.

And Dean’s S13 death would fulfill the sacrificial Act of True Love (with Cas holding heavy weight in Dean’s decision for LOVE)--

--and S14 Winning Him Back in the subverted flavour of S10. Romance tropes abound!!

 @thetwistedwillow and @sactownbrowns3 both ignited my stomach-churning feels. This is an extremely pivotal visual. The Michael-reminiscent sword and radiant halo-like lights atop Dean’s head? Yeah, set off HUGE Michael!Dean radars. Complete moral dualism with S10 Demon!Dean--selflessness vs selfishness. Free choice (saying yes to possession) vs stolen choice (demon transformation against his will).

Secondly, as aforementioned, Dean’s harbouring a LOT of traumas he hasn’t mentally confronted, with Daddy Issues™ re: John Winchester (reflected via Dean’s solo faceoff with Loki) as his overarching undealt source of trauma.

Loki tells Dean: “The truth is, [Odin] despised me, but he was my father. I’m sure you understand. What would you do for your father?” 

And Dean stabs Loki’s hologram. He stabs the metaphorical father figure who neglected his sons. He stabs another narrative embodiment of John’s ghost, foreshadowing that Dean’s death = John Winchester’s final death. It’s time to deconstruct and conquer his influence.

(Gabriel was an extended mirror of both Dean and Sam, too. Gabe, the little brother whom deadbeat Daddy Chuck never paid attention to. ‘Ah, big bros, right? Always think they know best’ Gabe, who stabbed and killed deadbeat Loki. Gabe, who subsequently ran away from home, was used and tortured beneath Asmodeus’ control, embarked on a revenge trip, and didn’t feel good about it. Dean and Sam themselves knew what it felt like to be manipulated. While it’s true that their traumatic experiences are subjective, they share common Deadbeat Father-adjacent life courses.)

What beautiful and consistent silent storytelling!!

And oh look, narratively associated to this ^^ is the reappearance of Dean’s John-linked BAG OF EMOTIONAL BAGGAGE--

I can’t can’t can’t wait for him to let go of it PERMANENTLY! 

And of course, Cas’ death remains his immediate significant source of undealt trauma (same links above:  x, x, x)

*looks at Dean’s serious, intense, and emotionally laden expression* *clutches chest tight* *blinks away tears*

I additionally wrote something about Endverse!Cas and D/C (mis)communication a few months ago which I feel is relevant again:

And we know HUMAN Endverse!Cas was representative of that, a sad, depressed, and hollow depiction of the wrong choices for the right reasons who festers (AND DIES), in part because of Dean’s wrong choices, and also because of his own consciously uninformed, narrow-minded choices that led to this literal apocalypse of mind, body and soul.

5x04 laid down what Cas (and Dean) shouldn’t become. If both Cas and Dean (TFW) continue to fail in learning their lessons regarding healthy interdependence (where control must become equality; ignorance must become understanding; intransigence must become compromise; stonewalling must become transparency; lying must become honesty; silence must become communication), Endverse will be their life.

Thankfully, they’re learning as of S13 onwards and I’m ECSTATIC. Slow but sure progress (13x15′s conveying the shift), yet they still have to use the RIGHT WORDS.

Endverse!Dean, who never gave up his control to Cas nor listened to him, was himself consumed by the NEED over the WANT and an authoritarian means to an end. He lost everyone. And Endverse posed an ultimatum for Dean (and Cas’ own characteristic progress): keep your control forever, and you’ll have one destination–no growth, no life, no freedom. 

Full circle!

Dean Winchester must die so he can live.

And what are Dean’s WINS (plural) by dying? Saving people instead of losing people--saving Mary, Jack, Sam, and Cas. Saving the world. Reuniting his family unit. Interacting instead of performing. OUTING INSTEAD OF HIDING. HIGH DEPRESSIONLESS SELF-WORTH INSTEAD OF LOW DEPRESSIVE SELF-WORTH.

Better yet, Dean will undergo character development in relation to his loved ones (and Cas). With high self-worth, Dean’s capable of learning how to value HIMSELF independently. In turn, without personal obstacles he’ll learn how to sustain HEALTHY interdependent relationships and COMMUNICATION as well as learn how to WHOLLY GIVE HIMSELF to others (Cas).

Tell Cas he’s not expendable, Dean. Disclose the real reason YOU “needed him back”. Expose your feelings, choose Want over Need, and push away your rejection fears! Cas loves you dearly—let him know that his love for you is reciprocated. Nothing but good things ahead!!

Gosh, this post is way longer than I expected—thank youu for sticking to it! Circumstances shall get worse before they get better, and it’s totally necessary to ensure our characters meet the final demise of their prisons.

BTW, I still can’t believe we got a borderline blatant onscreen bi!Dean (and Cas insert) treat!! What’s by is by! Overall I’m incessantly praising Dabb’s spectacular work so far + Glynn and Rich Speight Jr’s craft in this ep!!

Very little sub is left in the text, my friends. TPTB are rendering years’ worth of meta increasingly explicit in S13. I can only HOPE and expect that 13x23/S14 brings us past the Point of Know Return subtextual boundaries and into full-blown textual narrative! Authorial intent EXISTS. 

**I know, I know--S14 wasn’t confirmed as the last season and S15 is fair game. The plot accordion, as per usual, re-emerges with the slight overhaul/pullback of characteristic arcs and narrative plot due to season renewals, but I’m Endgame Positive that slow progress is SURE progress. Imho Dean and Cas are so close in saying everything from saying nothing. THE UNSAID WILL BE SAID.

Bracing myself for the last 3 episodes—they’ll burn us in awesome ways!! 

[awed-frog]

Hello, can I ask you what do you think of Sam's death? And why it happened? Thank you!! :)

Hi there, sorry if I only get into this today - my tl;dr here is that I mostly liked the episode and I see Sam’s death as a step forward for Sam - but not for Dean.

As for the longer answer - narratively speaking, I’m happy Sam died? I think it worked well, mostly because we weren’t expecting this at all (I mean, this is Supernatural, so you know your main characters do occasionally die, but I just assumed something like this would happen during the season finale, you know?), but also because to me, this show is at its best when it highlights the horror and randomness and unpredictability of ordinary life. And the fact our Chosen One, who’s survived two Apocalypses, should die in such a stupid, unforeseen way - I think that’s good storytelling.

That said, I’m not exactly sure we can say the codependency is broken, or even cracking, just because Dean walked out of the tunnel. We’ve seen the exact same scenario in Red Meat, and that was two years ago, and the only reason we haven’t seen Dean making some kind of deal to bring Sam back is because this episode mostly focused on Sam? Like - Dean knows he’s important to Billie, so that’s a bargaining chip, plus they had Lucifer chained up in the Bunker - I’m sure some part of him still thought this could be reversed. He went through the motions because this is what he does, and he did the same thing back in S11 - get the civilians to safety, finish the mission - but as soon as he mentioned he wanted to bring Sam’s body back - yeah, that’s how we knew he hadn’t given up. Because getting back in that tunnel, and deliberately hunting down a nest of starving vampires - that was something of a suicidal idea. It would have made much more sense to go back to the portal a different way, or even hope Jack could open a new door back (maybe by using Gabriel’s Grace?). Instead, Dean wants to go back, is planning the impossible task of finding a body in the dark, in a labyrinth full of dead people and monsters (possibly by himself, because he wouldn’t put Cas or Mary in danger, right?), and that’s how I’m sure he hadn’t actually accepted anything. And I think what we need here is not Sam saying ‘If we die, we die together’ - what sort of comfort is that? No - if we want the toxic part of their relationship to be truly broken, then we need to acknowledge why it’s there in the first place. From what we’ve seen, Sam still lives in some fantasy land where John and Dean were this amazing team of badass soldiers and he was the poor, isolated freak who had to do it all on his own - until that’s his take on their childhood, he’s going to be resentful of and impatient with Dean’s short leash on him, which is understandable, so that’s what they need to hash out, and this needs to come from him, because Dean will never, ever put his own pain and guilt and unresolved stuff on Sam. He barely managed to talk about it to Mary, and it’s not like that had any tangible results, so.

That said, the fact Sam’s death was not exactly a step forward in Dean being okay that this will inevitably happen one day (and that it’s not on him to try and prevent it), well, that doesn’t make the whole thing useless - on the contrary. This was (finally!) a Sam episode, and that thing with Lucifer was the best use of the character I’ve seen since S5. Because whatever, it could have been discussed more, but in the end they managed to make it clear just how afraid Sam is of Lucifer, so this was the perfect nightmarish situation - that he should say yes to whatever it is Lucifer wants this time, that he should allow Lucifer to use him against Dean and Cas - and the interesting thing is, to me, Sam made the rational choice, but I’m almost sure he’ll see it as a defeat of sorts. Despite what he says, Sam is a black and white kind of person, much more so than Dean, to the point where he said no to Lucifer when it would have made sense to say yes (back in S11, Lucifer was seemingly their only weapon against Amara, but Sam still wouldn’t give in). So the fact he said yes now - I don’t know what that says about his mental state, but probably good things? The whole ‘we’ll need to go through the tunnel’ thing made me think of LOTR, and from a narrative point of view, the two settings were very similar, down to Frodo/Dean yelling in horror and Aragorn/Cas dragging him away as Gandalf/Sam disappears into the shadows - only Gandalf didn’t make a deal with the Devil to come back. He defeated the Balrog and died and was brought back by Eru Ilúvatar so he could fulfill his task, and kudos. But in Supernatural, God is now dead, or as good as, which means Sam had to plan his own resurrection - accepting a compromise, realizing Dean and Cas and his mother will want him back no matter how ‘tainted’ he is by his ‘closeness’ to Lucifer - that’s an encouraging step forward. The next one would be making a clear distinction between the darkness that’s inside him as a human being (good, normal) and the corruption that is Lucifer and what Lucifer inflicted upon him (bad, unhealthy), and then making a choice to finally embrace the former and refuse the latter - ie, learn to love himself even if he’s not perfect and kill Lucifer - not because Gabriel is right, or because revenge will fix anything, but because by eliminating this force of pure evil Sam always feared (rightly) he was connected to, well - that’s how the guy can finally start to get better and be himself and love himself, and we’ve been waiting a long time for that to happen.

[majesticnerdynerd]

The following is an exceprt from a flashback that will appear in my superwholock fic Reichenbach Falls (this weekend). It recounts ‘Two Minutes to Midnight’ from superntaural, Sam POV. It is s5 canon-divergent from that point on. It doesn’t betray any spoiler from the fic, it simply retells some of the events before the full canon divergence kicks off. 

There’s more under the cut, the tone of this specific chapter is supposed to be more canon-specific to SPN, to kind of complement the Sherlock flashback, and the general tone of the fic til now. just keep that in mind

The next time Sam’s consciousness returned was minutes later, but the pain and illness showed no signs of leaving his body. He coughed, blood painting a splotch on the floor below him like an abstract painting. A sting in his fingers betrayed that he cut himself on the damn hunting knife. 

A shadow passed by him, the nurse joining Pestilence in front of them. Dean struggled to regain sense of his body, withering on the ground in agony. Shudders shook them both, the never-ceasing motion sickness crushing and twisting them violently even on the ground. Even looking up at the Horseman induced a migraine so strong Sam thought the nurse dropped a vase on top of his head and broke it into thousands of pieces. 

“Hmm. You Winchester boys don’t look swell,” Pestilence cooed. Sam coughed up more blood, the inside of his mouth tasting of copper. “Have you got a fever? Perhaps meningitis too, or pneumonia. What do you think, nurse?”

Sam blinked through the hair that fell over his eyes, chin dragging across the floor and smearing the red pool gathered under him into a thin line. 

“Could be syphilis too,” she said sweetly, nudging Dean with his foot. 

“Or herpes,” Pestilence added, walking up to them, clicking his tongue. “Such manwhores. It’s no fun at this stage of the sickness, is it?”

Pestilence bent over to crouch at their level. His long fingers combed through Sam’s hair, gripping to turn him around to face him. Sam blinked up at the man’s grinning expression, bones jittering just from that look alone. His insides entwined painfully, his stomach knotting into ropes, heart palpitating and pulse quickening. 

“However you feel right now,” Pestilence said, “will be ten times worse. Much, much worse. Questions?”

He dropped Sam as fast he grabbed him, his skull hitting the linoleum floor hard. 

Pestilence went to pump hand sanitiser in his hands. “Tsk, humans. You give disease a bad rep. People say how disgusting, smelly, filthy and chaotic it is. But in reality it describes them, wouldn’t you say? But the precision and purity of it often gets overlooked. It is very — one-sided. Just like bacteria. They have one purpose, to divide and conquer. We could agree that humans are very similar in nature. Isn’t it what you’ve been doing for centuries, in the end?”

The Horseman circled them, like a vulture waiting for a helpless prey to diminish before sweeping in to feast on its carcass. 

“But there is one major difference between people and bacteria,” Pestilence said cheekily, Sam’s head turning to the right to see Dean reaching for the knife, but the man stepped on his hand, crushing it underneath the sole. Pestilence kicked the knife far away from their grasp. “And that is — bacteria always wins.”

He withdrew his foot, Dean’s arm retreating immediately. Sam shot him a helpless look, feeling like a turtle that lied on its back and couldn’t get back on its feet. Everything hurt. 

“So you’ve gotta wonder,” Pestilence continued. “Why God, a being of Light, well, Light itself, would waste creativity and breathe life into beings so miserable as you. All that love went to someone so messy! And weak! Ridiculous, isn’t it? The best I can do, since you wiped half of my brothers out, is to show him he was wrong. Lucifer was right when he refused to kneel to humanity. You’re not deserving of respect any more than a beagle is in a lab. That’s what you are, dogs. Adorable, true, and a wonder to play with as test subjects, loyal on occasion, even. But you all die in the end. Sad. Well… I’ll handle you one epidemic at a time. Did you know that certain animals are amazing at spreading pathogens? Especially you mammals.”

Sam writhed on the ground as Pestilence twisted the ring on his finger, sending out another tsunami of pain throughout his muscles and bones. He put on a pair of black-rimmed glasses and smiled ferally. “Ever heard of Sars? I’ve had a lot of thoughts circulating around in my head while locked up and sealed. I can tell you that the world is not ready for this. But I am debating something slightly worse. Maybe Black Death, version two? I might make it as painful as I please, but the fun behind it is much more detailed. Not that I expect you to appreciate it. Ah. The Roaring Twenties. Truly beautiful in its disharmony. And the wonderful start will be given by… the Winchesters! But we have time for developing it to perfection, I cannot harm you yet. You’re precious vessels, the chosen brothers to turn against each other, as I’m sure you’ve heard. So, on a scale of one to ten: how is your pain?”

Sam gritted his teeth, the agony crawling at him like a rabid cat. He began panicking, breath quickening and pulse elevating into the sky. And then the doors were kicked in.

[charlie-bradcherry]

I felt really miffed when they flanderized Lucifer's character more into the typical Satan archetype, I really missed the nuance he had and they could've explored more with him. But at the same time, I can understand the cautionary tale (at least that's the silver lining I can get out of disappointing writing) of his self-destruction; I don't condone the horrible things he did but I can understand the ennui and desperation he was going through to want to want to feel fulfillment. That's why he-

-created a blank slate of his own making: his own son. A child who could love him unconditionally and could thrive with him and become a powerful union of forces, combined with love and divine power. But then the dumbass went overboard and didn’t learn from his mistakes (which I guess is never underestimate the Winchesters and the power of sheer mortal will to ride above it all) and he ends up trapped in a new hell just when he got out of the old one. It’s sad, really. 😔          

Lucifer’s story is a tragedy, the way it goes. He sacrifices himself for whom he loves, and becomes punished in return for his good deeds. Spending decades in a row in the cage caused psychological trauma – damaged Lucifer’s brain, turned him insane. Not only from the torture from the spell that God bid on the cage but also the isolation, which is by far his biggest torment. Happiness has always leapt from his hands.

But despite that, he was still able to love, to show his calm side, to put his trust into someone in season five and that was Sam. Not only because he was his destined vessel but because he freed him, rescued him. Because who else did he promise to give everything? Who did he Who else did he open up his heart to about the way Michael treated him back in Heaven? Who didn’t he harm when he really could have? Only Sam.

Until Sam said, “No. I don’t need anything from you.” and sent him back to the cage. I think that’s when Lucifer completely lost it. Because that had been the last time he ever fully put his trust into someone and they betrayed him. Again.

So all of this shit that’s happening post s5 is a sign of haven given up. Being so angry, desperate. I think he was fully committed to being so focused on destroying everything that he wouldn’t even care if he burned inside the fire.

But let’s be real here, we all know what happens once Lucifer finds Jack again. Will they be happily ever after? Nope. There are always consequences, and it won’t end well for Lucifer at all.

[diaryofageekgirl]

I’d love a source for the sdcc panel. Also, just because Jared sees himself and Sam as separate people doesn’t mean he’s a bad actor. Look back at the fact that he’s played 5 different characters on the show - Sam, Meg, Gary, Gadreel, Lucifer - plus minor bit parts like Leviathan!Sam for one ep in s7 or Shifter!Sam in early s6. Every single one of them is completely distinct and so clearly not Sam.

This panel (timestamp 7:50) - transcript (and some additional explanation) hijacked from teamfreewillbettertogether’s post:

I talked about this in my private m&g and there were no cameras  rolling, so I probably said more than I really would have…   …There were some scenes that were written that were ultimately cut… Some of those scenes involved Chuck telling Sam why he should no longer be afraid of Lucifer while he’s around… I know Sam. Sam is terrified of Lucifer. He’s been Lucifer, he’s been ruined by Lucifer, he’s been in the cage in hell boxed up with Lucifer, he doesn’t want to have anything to do with him. So Sam doesn’t feel comfortable. There’s a lot of choices that I made as an actor that, um, I’m sort of sad that they didn’t show up on screen, but I understand that we’re only allowed a certain amount of time

He was very generous to the writers here. From what was said in the M&G and other comments made over the years, BL really wanted a Lucifer redemption arc. They have this thing for Mark P, which is why they kept bringing him back, against the other writers’ and actors wishes. Eugenie straight up said that she wanted a Lucifer redemption arc beginning of 13, but the end of 11 was the start of this. Jared goes on to diplomatically explain,

The question that you asked was a discussion we had on a daily basis in March of this year. Jensen, Misha, Mark [S], Ruthie, Emily, and Rob and I… we had these discussions. And they [TPTB] were like, you know what? [Fuck] it. No one is going to really know or look into it.

Jared explains how nice it is to see that fans felt the same way as him. He talks about how, since they play the characters 184 days of the year, they naturally overthink things. He says that their choices will last forever and he talks about how he tries to be true to Sam.

He says that he appreciates when people say that they had issues with it. “I DID TOO! ME TOO!” Jared plays Sam as a survivor with PTSD. An abusive relationship is something that many audience members will identify with and he’s straight up refused to play Sam the way some of the TPTB wanted because he knew how harmful that could be with survivors who ID with Sam.

I know that there’s sources for Jared talking about the research he put into playing Sam with PTSD, specifically in relation to Lucifer, but I can’t find them atm. If anyone knows any off the top of their head, please feel free to add them on here.

Also, I can’t help but feel like the “just reads the script and acts on it without giving it much thought because it is his job and he knows his place” is  - like, I also pointed that out about Jensen re: the finale, and how it makes me mad, because he was never the one to keep his head down and know his place, and I feel like that’s also not really Jared? He went out of his way to research PTSD and how people who deal with that are affected, he’s put a great deal of thought into how he portrays Sam. Mostly, I think the writers overall just... didn’t know what to do with Sam, so he’s kind of just there, a lot of the time. Most of what he’s had post-s5 haven’t been about him, per say, it’s been about something happening to him (Soulless, Hallucifer, Trials, Gadreel, etc.) The problem is we don’t get much Sam PoV anymore past that point, so we don’t get to see how he deals with it.

... Actually, hang on, I was listening to the panel I linked above in the background and there was just an incredibly relevant question asked. Timestamp 15:45

“I think one of the fun things about Supernatural, is that, it started out as Sam’s point of view, and we’ve been able to - with y’all’s blessing - to take it through Sam’s and Dean’s...

There aren’t a lot of shows or movies or trilogies, or even if you take Harry Potter, which is 7 books or 8 movies - that’s still sixteen, seventeen, eighteen hours. We have 200 hours of film to watch, to study, to be a part of. And so I feel like we’ve kind of been able to study everybody’s point of view. I think, um,  for me, I’m okay with it being Dean’s point of view, or Sam’s point of view. I’m just excited as a fan [...] to learn more, I guess? About what’s going on and who sees what.”

Anyways, all that to say, I’m getting really fucking sick and tired of how much hate for Jared and mockery for Sam has been going around recently.

me connecting the dots between mr i loved the finale ! (even post airing, willing statements) finally getting his own place on a cw show as the Main Character and mr sexy silence (post finale ofc) and his Moving On to (hopefully) greener pastures! with lobotomy man

i am just saying! it’s awfully interesting to me that j*red didnt have to ask for the car, and he made all those weird statements about saileen, and how even he was telling jensen to get on board with the finale when he had w*lker queued up and the cw on his side Yet Again! is there not something Weird about that???? how many shitty commercials and promos we have to sit thru? the transition they’re trying to make from the spnfamily to the w*lkerfamily??????? like. you can’t make this any more clear i’m sorry but the show that’s been pushing sam aside for YEARS making him the focal point of the finale?

brings me to j*red saying shit like easter eggs in the f*nale !! when it was just a bunch of pilot refs? like was the intention to bring us back to that sam protagonist feel so that people would remember it when w*lker came around?? bc dean’s been the protagonist for a WHILE and he’s barely in this episode and i just can’t help but think that’s entirely on purpose