#so what im hearing is ... fellow gays

[wasntfaira]

WHAT CHARACTERS ARE YOU ?

so i wanted to do this personality test thing &* list characters i got that the test says i match up with % wise, but from fandoms i actually know / write from , especially since i don't know a lot of fandoms. they give you 2000 characters , but i went with people i matched up to 50% with &* pulled 85 of them. now i'm gonna go through &* mark em. bold means i write them already , italics mean i'd consider it , bold & italic together mean i used to write them , underline means it shocked me.

Kurt Hummel ( glee ) / 83%

Agent Pleakley ( lilo & stitch ) / 78%

Effie Trinket ( the hunger games ) / 77%

Tina Cohen-Chang ( glee ) / 77%

Mia Dolan ( la la land ) / 77%

Ryan Evans ( high school musical ) / 76%

Violet Parr ( the incredibles ) / 76%

Padme Amidala ( star wars ) / 75%

Rosalind Walker ( sabrina ) / 74%

Astrid Leong-Teo ( crazy rich asians ) / 73%

Alice Cullen ( twilight ) / 73%

Blaine Anderson ( glee ) / 73%

Allison Hargreeves ( the umbrella academy ) / 73%

Belle French ( once upon a time ) / 73%

Hazel Grace-Lancaster ( the fault in our stars ) / 73%

Gabriella Montez ( high school musical ) / 73%

Monica Geller ( friends ) / 72%

Esme Cullen ( twilight ) / 72%

Rachel Berry ( glee ) / 72%

Mercedes Jones ( glee ) / 72%

Elsa ( frozen ) / 72%

Mary Margaret Blanchard / Snow White ( once upon a time ) / 72%

Jasmine ( aladdin ) / 72%

Katara ( avatar ) / 71%

Princess Leia ( star wars ) / 71%

Emma Pillsbury ( glee ) / 71%

Allison Hamilton ( the notebook ) / 71%

Hermione Granger ( harry potter ) / 70%

Tahani Al-Jamil ( the good place ) / 70%

Janet ( the good place ) / 70%

Paula Proctor ( crazy ex girlfriend ) / 70%

Princess Fiona ( shrek ) / 70%

Damian Leigh ( mean girls ) / 68%

Artie Abrams ( glee ) / 68%

Anna ( frozen ) / 68%

Claire ( fleabag ) / 68%

Peggy Carter ( marvel ) / 67%

Dr. Strange ( marvel ) / 67%

Rachel Chu ( crazy rich asians ) / 67%

Nani Pelekai ( lilo & stitch ) / 66%

Henry Mills ( once upon a time ) / 66%

Belle ( beauty & the beast ) / 66%

'Needy' Lesnicki ( jennifer's body ) / 66%

Vision ( marvel ) / 66%

Emily Fields ( pretty little liars ) / 66%

Carlisle Cullen ( twilight ) / 65%

Rosalie Hale ( twilight ) / 65%

Jasper Hale ( twilight ) / 65%

Mike Chang ( glee ) / 65%

Daryl Whitefeather ( crazy ex girlfriend ) / 65%

Spencer Hastings ( pretty little liars ) / 65%

Valencia Perez ( crazy ex girlfriend ) 64%

Rapunzel ( tangled ) / 64%

Captain Marvel ( marvel ) / 63%

Edward Cullen ( twilight ) / 63%

Eleanor Sung-Young ( crazy rich asians ) / 63%

Sabrina Spellman ( chilling adventures of sabrina ) / 63%

Ben Hargreeves ( the umbrella academy ) / 63%

Ross Geller ( friends ) / 62%

Hilda Spellman ( chilling adventures of sabrina ) / 62%

Charlie Kelmeckis ( perks of being a wallflower ) / 62%

Sharpay Evans ( high school musical ) / 61%

Ambrose Spellman ( chilling adventures of sabrina ) / 60%

Love Quinn ( you ) / 60%

Guinevere Beck ( you ) / 60%

Peeta Mellark ( the hunger games ) / 59%

Rebecca Bunch ( crazy ex girlfriend ) / 59%

Regina Mills ( once upon a time ) / 59%

Tony Stark ( marvel ) / 58%

Gretchen Weiners ( mean girls ) / 58%

Viktor Hargreeves ( the umbrella academy ) / 57%

Will Schuester ( glee ) / 56%

Emma Swan ( once upon a time ) / 56%

Maurice ( beauty & the beast ) / 56%

Steve Rogers / Captain America ( marvel ) / 55%

Brittany Pierce ( glee ) / 53%

Chip Dove ( jennifer's body ) / 52%

Regina George ( mean girls ) / 51%

Augustus ' Gus ' Waters ( the fault in our stars ) / 51%

Chandler Bing ( friends ) / 50%

Coriolanus Snow ( the hunger games ) / 50%

Janis Ian ( mean girls ) / 50%

Santana Lopez ( glee ) / 50%

Klaus Hargreeves ( the umbrella academy ) / 50%

Summer Finn ( 500 days of summer ) / 50%

[mcytshipsandmore]

no one sees what I see. but I see it obviously because I'm me. scott smajor1995/skizzleman call that snowangel. gayass blockmen

they should team in the next life series. for me. so that there'll be shipping content.

listen there's so much potential there. their life series characters are parallels. also unrelated to the parallels they both LOVE to flirt with their friends. someone besides me please ,ship them. for me. I cant be the only one out here posting ao3 fics for em

also build and seek hot n cold "smoking" "I mean I just like hearing you say it!" "you're so hot" is INSAAAAAAAAAAAANE.

and limited life... don't get me STARTED on limited life. that boogey kill was homoerotic. trust 🙏

sad thing is there ARE other snowangel fics on ao3 but only 3 of them are just them + gen (listen I LOVE poly relationships but sometimes you gotta see just 2 guys bein gay) and the rest are either poly (most frequently scott/skizz/impulse, which can be nice sometimes but not what im going for) or smut (DEFINITELY not what i want to read JESUS CHRIST <- ace)

as fellow ace, I understand your troubles with the smut. It sucks sometimes 😭

Snowangel is the most beautiful name ever I love it so much, let them hold hands and be happy with eachother

-🍫

[tachimichishrine]

<ok guys so hear me out. this is the second time i've posted this on tumblr (originally posted on my main— which isn't a fic blog btw) AND i have it somewhere on my other platforms that i havent touched in ages... im just tryin to organize myself so pls dont remind me..... womp womps apologetically,, anywho, it's canon that jouno was a crime executive before joining the hunting dogs sooooo !!!!!! >

"sweet and sour"

◝≞▣≞◜ crime executive!jouno saigiku x gn!reader

warnings: except for a bit of guns + cursing and ooc jouno,, none! this is all fluff :) i didn't write this in lowercase??? crazy amirite

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"Jouno Sai... Saigay? I was certain there was gay in there somewhere... Anyways! Hi!! It's a pleasure to meet you!!"

The mispronounced man in question glared at the individual who was giggling happily, strolling around in the office like they owned the place, shooting a, "Hey, Fernando, did you get a new haircut?", "Lookin' good in that suit, Ichika!", and, "Oh my god! Where did you get those shoes, I swear I saw the exact same ones at that store down the street, the uh... what's it called? Y'know what I'm talking about, don't'cha?" to his fellow executives like they've been friends for years on end.

The room had always been tense, from what he recalled. When people entered, they expected to get shot by the boss, or be given a task so difficult to complete that they would ultimately get shot. In short, a meeting with the renowned organization that Jouno Saigiku worked for was a death sentence for his subordinates, even more so for rival organizations.

Yet, this person had been bouncing around the walls like a child in a candy store, waving around the knife at their fingertips like a ten thousand yen bill and showing off the gun strapped to their thigh and waist with the same bubbly confidence of a new outfit they'd just bought the previous day.

'They're going to get themselves killed in no time,' he laughed to himself, waiting for the one in charge to enter the room.

For now, he was responsible for managing the building and their potential customer (from another criminal organization. It made him wonder how on earth someone like them could possibly be working in the same sadistic field as he did) until their meeting began. He'd never met this person in particular before, and wished he would've never had to. However, business was business, and he would need to accommodate them well enough to prevent a war between the two groups to break out.

"[l/n], was it?" he smirked, a strained playful smile that was barely hanging above the devilish one he had underneath. "It's Jouno Saigiku, and I'd recommend that you refrain from making yourself too comfortable in here. You are, as you know, on our turf, which means that-"

"Bla, bla, bla! you're so formal!" they scoffed with a wave of their hands, bouncing off of the velvet couch and strolling up to the executive, glaring at him with a particular expression that he couldn't see. "I'm actually rather touched that you knew my name! [l/n] [y/n], I'm your connect with [criminal organization name ~ [c /o/n]] so don't be a meanie!"

..."Don't be a meanie? "

As if by miracle, the boss entered right when they were about to get close enough to his straightened-out figure, almost army-like in posture, to tap his nose with their fingertip as one does with children. In his field of work, only people of utmost trust managed to meet directly with the person on the top, so he considered that perhaps they were prevalent in some other field that didn't have to do with relationships and appearance. Now, all he had to do was wait for his boss to get infuriated at their attitude and demand that he dispose of them and he'd be able to drag them out back and peel off their skin...

"[l/n], dear! It's been a while, has it not?"

This keeps getting better and better.

"Kantoku!" they beamed out, running over to the old man and avidly shaking his hand. "Oh, I've missed you so! Things have changed around here, didn't they? You never told me you promoted a new executive!"

With a playful eyeroll, Kantoku - the man in charge of his crime syndicate - gestured to the couch and began to converse, almost casually. What baffled him, perhaps the most of all, was that every regular beat of their heart was steady, this wasn't a feigned façade nor overcompensation for fear. This person was truly, genuinely an idiot.

"Pst, Jouno," the woman executive standing beside him nudged his shoulder, "the boss is here so we're free to go. Plus, that asshole who stole from us isn't talking, so we might need your help."

With that, he left behind both the room and the lingering feeling of confusion regarding [l/n] [y/n].

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Jouno Saigiku did not have a very complex job.

In fact, his daily tasks mostly consisted of torture and punishment, with the occasionally laying off (which undoubtedly meant death. There was quite a bit of death around him, a certain fading scent that permeated throughout any room he'd visit. This was not a literal physical scent, for that would obstruct his sight and handicap his senses, but nonetheless he found himself rather pleased when he felt warm blood splatter across his soft cheeks.)

Today was nothing different; supposedly, someone from [c /o/n] had blundered and fled right into their territory. Given the amical relationships between the two groups, it was their job to retrieve and return the fugitive, annihilate them if they do not cooperate and it becomes necessary.

At the moment, he found himself seated in a vehicle, driving to the last location that this person was last seen, being described as "[s/c] skinned and [e/c] eyed", all attributes which couldn't possibly make any difference to him, due to his lack of vision. When he asked for a name of this person, he was shocked to learn that it was the same energetical and bubbly individual who vaguely crossed his radar a few weeks back.

"Oi, oi, Jouno slow down, we don't wanna pass 'em 'cause you're drivin' too fast, 'ight?" his coworker for this mission reprimanded. "Just 'cause you can do that fancy hearin' thing ain't mean my eyes ain't good, 'ight?"

Jouno thus pressed his foot with more force against the gas pedal, speeding up the car only because he didn't quite like the tone of this person.

"Hm?" he asked innocently. "I'm sorry, I didn't hear you very well, what did you say?"

"I said slow down you-"

They cut themselves off, not allowing for a response since their silence indicated that they had learnt something new.

"Woah, yeah, they're right over there!" they exclaimed, tapping a point on the window so that Jouno could hear the faint sound and distinguish which direction their target was. "Pull over, I'll tie 'em up and toss 'em in the back."

The white-haired man paused momentarily, thin brows imitating each other as they angled upwards in confusion.

"What do you mean? That's not them."

"For a blind bitch, ya really think yer all that, don't'cha? I can literally see them right now, they're standing outside the fuckin' car so pull over and lemme mug 'em."

His lips had pressed into a line, contemplating the situation. The reason he wasn't allowed to go on his own was because they were extremely picky about identifying the right culprit, yet Jouno cared little for his escort of sorts. He'd encountered [l/n] before, and what marked his memory the most, asides from their childlike behavior, was how their heart hadn't betrayed a thing on the outside attitude, despite being blatantly threatened. This person, the one that his temporary partner had suggested was their target, was in fact sweating buckets and had such an erratic heartbeat he might've believed them to be having tachycardia. On top of this, their breathing was not the same, from what he gauged, they couldn't possibly be the right height, build and walking pattern. People on the run obviously become more more jittery when faced with escaping an impossible situation, but this conflicted his knowledge in too many ways to be true.

"I believe," he suggested calmly with a grin appearing, still refusing to unlock the doors or pull over, therefore driving past the individual, "that [l/n] might not be as gullible as we first presumed, and that this person is a decoy set up to distract us."

And so, Jouno found himself pleasantly challenged by the least likely person.

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As the sun bled out into the sky during its descent from the zenith to the crepuscule, Jouno had finally managed to shed his gravely irritating partner and complete his task alone.

That idiot - really, that's all he could call them - decided to ignore his words and kidnap the scapegoat. Of course, this person sobbed and repeatedly told them that they're not the right person, that there's been a mistake, but no one believed their words. Inevitably, they were tortured for a few hours and deemed unnecessary. Jouno shot them, then headed back to search for the real culprit.

"Now, where could they be?" he hummed, almost amusedly, to himself. "Most people tend to lay low when running from important and dangerous organizations, but something tells me..."

He was rather lucky, in a sense, that someone had spotted the fugitive near a bar. However, this was over 5 hours ago. People on the run tend to be smart enough to scatter from location to location, but he supposed he shouldn't be overestimating other people's intelligence.

The door creaked with a lowly groan, as did the floor when he applied weight onto it via his heavy tread. Upon first impressions, the bar was nearly empty.

Then, he heard a voice call out.

"SAIGAY!! Ahh, it's been a while, hasn't it?! Come, come! Can I order you anything? You look like a bourbon man, are you into bourbon? Unless... fine wine? Oh dear, don't keep me guessing, come, sit!"

Immediately, as soon as they called out his name and announced themselves with such ardor, he knew he had the right person.

"No thank you," he smiled. "I can't drink, I'm currently at work."

"Are you? Aw, you don't mean you're here to kill me?" they replied, voice dipping down to a pouty grumble as they neared the end of the sentence. "I'm tired of people trying to kill me, it's no fun."

Idling at the entrance, Jouno didn't quite motion to sit next to them, nor did he seek to keep close in case of sudden evacuation. From what he had heard, this person was without ability, so they didn't pose much danger. Nevertheless, he was a cautious man, and had known that false information could potentially be fatal in certain circumstances, especially when the target is acting so laid back.

"You stole half a million yen from one of the most dangerous organizations around, I don't particularly think you'd've expected it to be fun."

Met with muttering, he would've asked them to speak up had he not heard the nearly incomprehensible, "but I didn't steal anything" from their lips.

"You didn't?" he said aloud. "Then where do you suppose the money had gone?"

A pause insinuated, and he pondered repeating his question in a more forceful way when they answered. "Woah, you've got great hearing! I wish I were like that, half the time people talk to me and all I hear is 'bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bl-'"

Jouno pulled out his firearm and pointed it directly at them.

"Enough games. Cooperate and I'll only make it hurt a lot."

"Gee, mister, did someone piss in your cheerios? I'll come, I'll come, just give me a second! I want to finish my drink."

On the table, however, there wasn't a single glass.

Upon having Jouno point this detail out (for while he could not see, he could still visualize objects in space with his other senses), they paused briefly. "So either you're blind but scarily good at it, or you can see through that crazy squinting of yours."

"I don't appreciate you stalling," he hummed, cocking the gun. "Do you think I won't shoot?"

"No, no, it's clear you would!" giggled the individual. "But, oh, do tell me more about yourself. Being threatened is so much more pleasant when-"

He shot them once.

He shot them twice.

Both bullets landed in non-lethal locations, such as their right shoulder and calf, which was enough to get his message across without rushing his punishment for their actions.

"That hurt!" they frowned, clutching at the opening from which blood was rushing out. "Owwie! You really don't like talking with people, do you, Saigay?"

"Saigiku," he corrected with a hiss. "Do you ever stop talking? I could very well kill you right now."

"Well, I sure hope you don't!"

This just made him want to shoot them even more.

He listened eagerly as they let out a few hisses and groans, then a soft squelch and the clattering of a metal against the marble countertop. He guessed that they were taking out the bullet from their calf, since the one in their shoulder had effectively shattered into hundreds of shards, and would require special medical attention immediately if they wished to live for a few more years. Then again, he knew that they probably wouldn't live past tomorrow, so it wasn't his concern.

Letting out a soft gasp while they tore off part of their attire in order to wrap their injured limb, they still seemed to be laughing. "Thanks."

"For the gunshot wound?" the white-haired male tried to clarify. He didn't take them to be such an open masochist.

Yet, his question only spurred a flurry of coughing and chuckles. "Of course not! I meant, thank you for not attacking me further. Really thought you'd kill me here and now, but you're letting me treat my wounds without interference. Is it because you have orders not to kill me?" Adding with a terribly comedic bite of their lip, they said, "Or have you been seduced by my charm?"

Once he made it perfectly clear that he'd shoot again, they backed off on the teasing remarks and requested that he help them up. "To walk," they'd clarified. "I can't walk, y'know. How do you plan on getting me back to your base?"

"I'll drag you by your hair if I need to," he replied.

(He had to hijack a car because there was no way he'd drag a body across the city, especially not a body as talkative as this one.)

"So you're telling me," they pondered while blindfolded and cuffed in the back of the vehicle, "that you're blind, yet you have highlights? They're pretty, I'll give you that, but why did you colour it? Midlife crisis? Doesn't sound right to me, plus you can't even see the colour so why on earth would you do it? Are you responding to me? I can't hear anything with this blindfold over my ears. Aren't blindfolds supposed to obstruct your vision, not your hearing? Man, but maybe I can hear perfectly fine and it's all your fault because you're not answering me. C'mon, Saigay, humor me!"

Of course, he had no intentions of humoring them.

"You're lucky I didn't gag you," he said. "Or cut off your tongue. In fact, knocking you unconscious would've been a splendid idea."

"But you didn't!" the ex-criminal beamed. "Besides, I'm going to get beat up enough once you deliver me back to [c /o/n]. If you ask them to let you watch and/or participate, they won't say no, I think. Pops isn't too strict when it comes to those things."

"Pops?"

"Y'know, the head of [c /o/n]. He's my dad's close friend and the brother in law of your boss."

That explained a lot of things, starting with this seemingly innocent person's involvement with such dark themes. Yet, there was still something Jouno needed to know.

"And you betrayed your own family friend?" asked the blind man, quickly approaching the location of the building in which he was given rendezvous for the drop-off of the traitor.

"Ahh, connections don't mean shit," they scoffed, waving around their tied hands as if to emphasize their point. "But I didn't betray them. I'd have to be an idiot.... No, not an idiot, whatever is worse than an idiot in order to steal money from a man who would've given me the cash if I asked him for it. So, no. I didn't steal anything. That's why I didn't run; I'm not guilty of anything, running would make it look like I am."

Jouno was interiorly perplexed. So they've got a decent brain behind all of that buttery personality, after all. But, there was just something about them that didn't fit with the narrative, something he couldn't wrap his head around.

"Why wait for me to tie you up?" he finally suggested aloud, hearing his own words formed allowing him to make more sense of his confusion. "Why not just waltz into the building? This makes you look both stupid and guilty."

A laugh burst from the backseat, the kind of laugh that makes you want to join in despite not fully understanding the reason behind it. It was however cut short, due to a sharp inhale of pain then a few curses murmured at their injuries.

"Maybe I am an idiot. Maybe I wanted to get caught. Who knows? Maybe this was all part of my master plan to lure you near Negishi Station so that I could use my all-powerful ability."

He spent a few seconds registering that last bit. Lure him out to Negishi so they could...

"BOOM!"

With a jolt, he nearly crashed the car; luckily, in time Jouno had realized that this was just a sound effect from the hostage, and not a real crash caused by an ability. They were, in fact, right next to Negishi, which made the whole thing a huge coincidence, but other than that, nothing occurred. They were still in the car, unharmed and untouched by any ability that he could detect.

Meanwhile, [l/n] was laughing their ass off.

"BWAHAHAH, you actually fell for it!!" they managed between heaving breaths and uncontrollable laughter. "I knew that since you were blind you would be sensitive to loud noises but that worked so much better than I thought it would, you should've seen your face! You were all like," then they proceeded to make a plethora of faces he couldn't see, but that he knew were all mocking him.

[l/n] continued, "By the way, just because I haven't used it doesn't mean I don't have an ability. So watch out for your ass, pretty boy, or else I might just... BAM!"

He did not flinch this time, but he found himself rather frustrated with his previous reaction. People, normal people, never teased him this way. He'd have thought [l/n] would be a bit less friendly around him after sustaining the injuries, but so far, that appeared only to drive them towards a playful alternative to revenge on par with a snowball fight between two children.

"I'll tell you what," concluded the hysterical individual attempting to calm themselves down, "let's do this again, same time tomorrow? Muah, it was lovely meeting you Saigay!!"

Before he could protest or question this, they waved around their somehow uncuffed hands, reached for the handle of the car door, pushed it open and leaped out.

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He found himself standing at the entrance of the bar the very next day.

It was beyond frustrating to pick up the pieces of yesterday's aftermath; based on his recollection and the most probable situation, [l/n] likely used the loud noises not only to ruffle and distract him, but to cover up for the sound of the click of their handcuffs being taken off, courtesy of a pin they had picked the lock with. On top of this, their haphazardous mention of Negishi station was just a way of situating themselves in space (since they had been blindfolded) so they could think of the safest escape route.

He quite frankly did not expect to be outsmarted by someone who can't even remember his name right. Yet, the fact remained that he was strolling up to the entrance of the same place as he'd previously apprehended them at, same hour of the day. He rather hated the sunset; nothing felt right for him. Not the consistent buzzing of the cicadas during the day nor the melodic trilling of the crickets; dusk never held a sustainable aura, and for this reason he'd grown to loathe it, despite being told repeatedly that the setting sun was beautiful.

Rushing curtly inside the building, the bells connected to the door jingled, and, almost on cue, a loud cheer roused him from his lucid trance.

"Saigay!! Over here, over here! Can't say I expected you to show up, but I'm pleasantly surprised!" gleamed [l/n] upon his arrival.

"It's Saigiku," he repeated for an umpteenth time, "and I'm here to turn you in."

They shook their head. "I'd have hoped you'd realized that I don't take to being kidnapped. But I do appreciate the perseverance, so I'll make a deal; have a drink with me, then I'll cooperate for an entire 5 minutes without trying to escape."

"...You truly are an odd person," said he, despite taking a seat by their side and waiting. He didn't know what trick they had up their sleeve (rather, their cast. Turns out, they'd gone to a private medical professional in order to have it looked at. He smiled when he noticed this; a sure sign that victory was much more likely tonight.)

"I'll take that as a compliment!" [l/n] laughed heartily, then called for the waiter. "One [favorite drink] for me, and he'll have a cup of whiskey. The good type, y'know what I mean, darling?"

The waiter raised a brow at the nickname and odd hint, but took the order anyways and began preparation. Meanwhile, Jouno sat, trying to protest that he did not want anything to drink, but was quickly cut off by his temporary enemy's much louder affirmations that he did indeed want some.

"You don't look like the type to be trying out sobriety," they hummed, "but I know if I let you chose for yourself, you wouldn't get anything. You'd be all," (and here their voice deepened and became gruff in an attempt to make it clear that they were looking to mock him,) "'I'm here to kill you! I'm a mass murderer so fear me!!' Am I right or am I right?"

Before he could respond, the fingers on their uninjured hand began to flick his dangling earring, on the right side of his face.

"You have an earring," they pointed out, almost stupidly. "Why don't you have one on the other side?"

He wasn't going to respond to any of this. In fact, he was toying with the knife in his pocket, gauging the right moment to strike with such an unpredictable opponent.

"Because I don't," he said dully. The waiter came, their glasses clinking with the ice inside as it toyed around in the liquid, gently being placed onto the counter.

"Fair enough," they smiled. "Okay sooooooo, wha'd'ya wanna talk 'bout? Gimme anything, I hate silence."

That made two of them.

"What is your ability?" he said rather bluntly, with a soft hum. He was in an optimal position to strike, only a few centimeters away, but he thought better than to attack without knowing such an important piece of information. Besides, with the way the conversation was going, they seemed to be eager to tell him the truth, for whatever reason, so he wouldn't lose anything to try.

After taking a long sip from their drink, they paused. "Nothing, I don't have one. You?"

The cautious man pressed further. "I find it hard to believe you haven't an ability in such a dangerous environment."

With a chuckle, they took another gulp from the glass. Then, turning to him with a relaxed heartbeat, they said very calmly and slowly, "I don't believe in needless deceit. Unlike you, Mr. Hide-my-knife-in-my-pocket-that-I'm-going-to-stab-you-with, I don't play dirty. So, when I say that I don't have an ability, don't be so surprised, yeah? The majority of people don't. I supposed when you're gifted, you don't quite try to sympathize with those unlike you."

So, they're aware of the weapon, yet made no move to dodge? Perhaps he's overthinking this, after all there are many people who seem invincible just because one doesn't act based on rational decisions, but based on their feelings. He should know, he spends most of his free time toying with said emotions and tearing them apart.

In one swift movement, he let his knife slide back down his pocket and removed both hands from the shadows.

"You sound genuine," he said, almost to himself.

"Well, I sure hope so," they laughed, despite nothing particularly funny being said. "I am being genuine, after all. You'll be able to bring me in and tie me up properly in a little while, so I'm going to enjoy the now while I still can, that's my philosophy!"

"Your philosophy is to drink something before you get kidnapped instead of trying to escape?" he repeated, incredulous. Perhaps their drink was laced with something, some kind of drug that drags your mood to a high. Even if he smelled no trace of anything other than [favorite drink], he concluded that this was the only reasonable explanation to this indecipherable human being.

Doubling over with a violent wheeze, they were (yet again) laughing at his words. They babbled a few words between gasps for breath, such as, "Didn't know you had a sense of humour!" and "Please, I can't breathe!" like he'd been a world renowned comedian. He almost felt the urge to clarify that he was attempting to degrade them, to criticize them and point out their stupidity, but one does not simply explain themselves when insulting another. Typically, their words transmitted the message well enough, but this was far from a typical recipient.

Finally recovering, they put on a mock angry face and waved around their finger. "You fiend, take it easy, I'm injured! At this rate, you'll make me pop my lungs out, ahah! Is that your master plan? To incapacitate me verbally? Bravo, I didn't expect that!"

"I wasn't..." he said, trailing off as he was thoroughly perplexed. What does one say in his situation? At this rate, his biggest concern was their oddities, not their capture.

On second thought, he nearly forgot that he was here to capture them.

"That's the beauty of it," they exclaimed, waving around their drink and spilling a considerable amount on his shirt accidentally with the grand gesture. "Unintentional torture! Wow, you must be even better than what I've heard about you, Saigay."

Not even bothering to correct them, he said, "And what exactly have you heard of me?"

"One, that you're very attractive. Two, you're ruthless when it comes to sadism. Three, you have exceptional intellect and four, you can hear heartbeats. Is that last one true? Wouldn't that make you a living polygraph?"

He was, but also wasn't, listening. The first thing they'd mentioned was his attractiveness, likely physical, but what an odd thing to point out, that is! Fighting down the odd feeling blooming in his chest with success, he finally mustered a response; an affirmation.

"That must be your ability," they pondered. "Isn't it? You'd be too strong if you had something else on top of this."

With a grin, Jouno explained, "It is not."

A melodramatic gasp could be heard echoing throughout the mostly empty room. "It isn't?? Gah, I must've been astronomically lucky to have escaped you last time!"

He'd've agreed had he not been promptly cut off by a rush of guesses regarding his ability. Most were way off, a select few absurd, and the entirety of them wrong. He felt his face contort into that of a confused expression when they suggested that he might be able to listen to people through walls, drawing an example by explaining that he might, and here the words were engraved into his mind, "listen in on people while they went to the bathroom, thus deducing whether their digestion was going well." Somehow, this had become a conversation in which they recounted the vivid tale of their daunting task of finding a bathroom once when they'd been in a 'foreign environment' - also known as the downtown region of the neighboring city during a negotiation.

All done and said, they'd contented themselves with a fairly one sided discussion, and he sipped down the Japanese whiskey he'd been handed. Upon noticing this, [l/n] stuck out both of their wrists as best as they could, pressed near one another as if pleading.

"Well, a deal's a deal! Take me away, Saigay! Ah! That rhymes! Maybe I should become a poet!" they giggled.

Jouno considered this for a long time, the topic that was on his mind ever since his arrival. The previous day, he'd told his boss that [l/n] couldn't be found, and that he must've made a mistake when saying that the doppelganger was a fake. This, of course, was untrue, but it also gave him leeway in case he found himself up against a formidable opponent. All of this meant that, if he did not turn [l/n] in to [c /o/n], he himself would not lose anything.

It wasn't sympathy, he told himself, that led him to get up and walk away as they left their arms extended. No, it was just an avoidance of unnecessary effort. If he walked away now, he would save himself the hassle of detaining them, all the while giving this person a second chance. Who knows, perhaps they'd be useful to him in the future.

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Jouno had not expected to be called by the lower ranking members of his organization early in the morning. What he had expected was to go to his office; not being told that there was a "package" waiting for him at the base.

He hadn't a clue what this package was. His first instinct was that it was a weapon of sorts, a bomb, anything that did damage. Although, it could very well also be a traitor who had been tied up and sent to him as a peace offering. The more he thought about it, the happier he was as he approached the location in which he was expected.

"J-Jouno-sama!" exclaimed one of the nervous underlings - a kid, really - holding a...

...A dog?

It barked at him, growling and struggling in the grasp of the two kids tasked with holding it down.

"What is this, a prank?" Jouno hissed, ready to make them pay before he even got the entire story.

One of them audibly gulped as their blood drained from their face, while the other stuttered an explanation. "N-No! We f-found this dog attached w-with a leash right in front of the building, and there was this attached to its collar," they said as they handed the executive a wrinkled piece of paper which, upon further inspection, turned out to hold an uncanny resemblance to a napkin from a nearby fast food place.

On it, there were an assortment of dots which were ink being pressed hard onto the fabric. Braille, he concluded. This person seemed not only to have specifically destined this to him, but desired to keep the contents for him only, rather than have someone read it for him.

On it, he managed to decipher the following:

'Dear Saigay,        Thanks for not trying to kill me!! I'm certain you're just a big softie heheh.         The doc told me I shouldn't be moving around too much after those wounds you gifted me, so now I'm kinda on house arrest lolol. Either way, I'd've loved to thank you personally but can't so I got you a present, its name is undecided yet BUTTTTTT they're a bitch just like you so I called them saigay jr. for the time being ♡ plus I figured you never had a guide dog, right?? So here you go!  XD

p.s. you never told me what kind of drink you liked. was I right about the whiskey? pls tell me!! i'll recover properly then find you, so you better have an answer by then >:( p.p.s. heheh peepee s p.p.p.s. you still haven't told me why your hair is dyed p.p.p.p.s. SAIGAY JR HAS YOUR MISSING EARRING BTW!!'

What on earth-

He certainly was no longer angry at this weird dog, but at the owner.

What made it worse was that the two kids had finally gotten over their fear of him and started calming down the dog (which he was not going to called Saigay Jr., much less Saigiku Jr.), noticing the earring; it was only a clip on that was obviously made up of cardboard clippings and poorly colored insides, as well as engravings that he could physically feel and recognize, but the resemblance to his own was noticeable. He wondered if this was an insult from [l/n] disguised as a present, but decided that there were too many exclamation marks for this to be anything resembling a threat. Not to mention the "XD".

Now, he had to figure out the dog. It's too much noise and too much effort, besides he doesn't like dogs all that much. He supposed he'll just have to snatch off that wretched earring and dispose of it before anyone makes the link and this haunts him, then kick it out. Surely it'll wander back off to its home or whatever. None of what followed would be his concern.

"Jouno s-sama, what should we do with the dog?" uneasily asked the kid. He shook his head, snatched the makeshift earring in one fell swoop and crumbled it into a ball in his hand.

"Take it outside, it isn't mine and I don't care about it. This was just a prank from someone I know."

With this, Saigay Jr. was released back onto the street, the collar still coated with braille dots that spell out its name.

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Once work was done, he decided to go for a walk, for some fresh air. However, Jouno was not expecting to hear panting coming from his side.

Saigay Jr. barked at him, happily wagging their tail and bouncing on their paws.

"What is wrong with you," he swore under his breath, then made his tone much vocal. "Go away! I don't want you here!"

None of this, obviously, got across to the dog, who was still following him closely.

"I said go away!" he yelled, a bit louder but also significantly harsher. "Stupid bitch."

It somehow reacted differently, barking much more avidly and skipping over to him with apparent excitement.

At this rate, he'd never get rid of the dog. He contemplated calling the pound and having someone take them in, but knew that this was likely an unnecessary step to take. Regardless, he'd have to get rid of it soon. All this barking is going to make him dizzy soon.

The sounds subsided as it transitioned from growling to a soft whine, choosing to lay down. It was then that he noticed a certain odor that he hadn't paid attention to before.

...Blood?

He almost could've sworn the dog was injured.

Jouno decided that it was not his concern and left it there, on the street, alone.

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The dog was certainly a stubborn little thing, as it was there when he came to work the next day.

He took out his gun, shot it in the air (loud noises hurt him a lot, but he knew the same applied to the animal) and hummed contently as it scurried off out of fear, out of his life.

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Saigay Jr. came back the very next day.

"Oh, will you fuck off already?" he groaned, taking out his gun yet again to fire a warning shot. Of course, he wasn't going to actually kill the beast, but he was reaching a point where he was very well considering it.

He stopped himself as he heard it whine, then lower itself to the ground, almost bowing to him in a human fashion.

"I'm not keeping you. [l/n] should've just left you in the dump where they found you," he said, realizing that he was talking to a literal dog.

He reached his hand out with a sigh, and began to pet it. This clearly made the dog calm down significantly, as it was finally getting recognition from the one it believed to be its owner, and so it didn't noticed as he curled his fingers around the leash, detached the ends of the collar then used it to attach the canine to a post.

As soon as it realized its situation, it began to growl, barking aggressively at him, then pouting and almost seeming like it was about to cry. Jouno didn't care, however, as he took out his burner phone and dialed animal patrol.

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Somehow, by some un-abiding law of the universe, Saigay Jr. was there, sitting happily, waiting for him outside of the building in which he operated.

Its leg and arm seemed to be getting better, he could tell, which made it likely that it wouldn't stop coming back to annoy him.

"It's like a miniature [l/n]," he laughed to himself.

Over time, he'd almost began to enjoy his daily encounters with the animal. He found it almost enjoyable to pet and ruffle its soft fur, eliciting the pleasant reaction of a calm dog.

Today, he decided, he would stop pushing it away. It's Houdini, this mynx, a Houdini who refused to disappear and could get out of any trap he laid for it.

"First off," he crouched down, stroking its ear, "ground rules. You are not my dog. I'm doing this to see if it'll get rid of you once you get bored with me. Got it?"

Ears drooping, Saigay Jr. seemed to be saying, "aww, but I wanted to be your dog!", to which Jouno replied with a look that said, "Don't make me get up and leave."

"Second rule, keep your piss and shit away from me, I'm not touching or smelling any of that. Third, you do as I tell you to. Understood?"

He wasn't expecting the dog to nod, but would've liked seeing it react other than burrowing its head further into the palm of his hand. Reluctantly, Jouno didn't resist, and sat there entertaining its need for physical touch for a few moments before springing to his feet.

"I'm going home. You are not allowed in my house," he warned, turning around.

Saigay Jr. followed him home anyways.

Somehow, as the day turned into night, he found himself helpless when it comes to resistance against this dog. It was thankfully very unproblematic, not making much of a mess when they arrived to the apartment which he lived in (it wasn't his, evidently. The criminal organization he worked for simply scared off all the tenants and let their members live there, unofficially.) He gestured to a corner for it to stay while he settled down, and stuck there for as long as he told it to.

As he took care of his own affairs, the time to rest finally came, and the dog didn't appear to have any plans to depart from its new best friend.

"Leave," he repeated forcefully, pointing to the door left ajar for it to crawl outside. "I said leave."

The message seemed to be getting across, as Saigay Jr. finally began to trek towards the entrance.

Then, it used its snout to shut the door, returning promptly and sitting down in front of him, waiting for some kind of reward.

"I'd really wish you'd die right now," he threw a hand on his face, tilting it upwards to display his frustration. "Fine. Let's play this the hard way."

He walked outside his apartment, knowing that the dog would follow, and shut the door behind them both. With a smirk, he activated his ability, disintegrating into the smallest specks and re-entering the room while sifting through the openings on the side of the door.

This way, he was back inside while the animal was whining from the outside, scratching occasionally to ask him to let them back in.

"Absolutely not," he laughed proudly, tossing himself into bed, trying to will himself to fall asleep before he'd begin to feel guilt about leaving the diligent and loyal gift from [l/n] outside.

A click, a creak and a shuffle later, and he heard a very clear panting noise.

Saigay Jr. had somehow managed to get inside.

"Fuck, you know what? I don't care anymore," groaned the tired man. "I give up. You win."

As he let himself doze off, the dog had crawled up onto the bed and softly laid its head on his chest, breathing steadily.

Jouno wouldn't admit that the sound and feeling was a nice change to his norm.

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At this point, Jouno had practically adopted Saigay Jr.

He didn't hear anything from [l/n], which he found odd since it had been over 6 months since he'd last seen them. He knew that he shouldn't be thinking about them; he'd only known the peculiar individual for a grand total of about 3 encounters, one of which he hadn't even interacted with them and the other two being attempted kidnapping and murder. The white-haired man knew that the only reason their image stuck in his head was due to this dog, this constant reminder of them, on top of their boisterous personality that he could've swore made him look at people like him (who had little to no personality, all business and no fun, as they might've said) differently.

The dog was a weird new addition to his life as well. He'd never seen it eat nor require to be walked. In fact, their relationship had gotten to the point where he was becoming more and more eager to be in its company; he woke up with Saigay Jr. (whose name he couldn't bring himself to change nor get out of his head), the both of them walked to his work, and then when he was done with his daily torturing, the loyal animal was waiting for him at the door of his apartment. He occasionally let it sleep in his bed, but mostly it found a small corner on the couch where both of them seemed content. It was a particularly odd situation; Jouno did not like pets. In fact, he didn't like people, so why would he expose himself to this small, fluffy thing for daily companionship? He didn't know, but found that there was no need to question a mutually beneficial situation.

Today, however, something odd had happened.

Saigay Jr. was not waiting in front of his door when he got back, covered in the heavy smell of blood for today's session was especially... artistic.

"Junior?" he found himself calling out, a name he never had the need to say out loud due to their chemistry. Yet, there seemed to be no movement nearby.

Weird, he thought, but there's no need to make a big deal out of this. The animal probably had to attend to its animal business, or whatever. Maybe the meeting that they always attend while he's at work was running late, he humored himself.

A few hours later, and nothing happened, no one showed up scratching at his front door or barking at it. He'd told himself that he was going to keep going on with his day as if nothing happened, but sleep was difficult to find because of the nagging feeling that something wasn't right.

It was then that he heard a knock at his door.

Not a scratch, but a knock.

He grabbed the firearm from the drawer next to his bed, and greeted the guest with a smile as he unlocked the door cautiously.

"Saigay!!"

He couldn't believe it; [l/n] was standing at his door.

"Sorry, sorry, I know this is sudden but at least be glad you were wearing pants when I knocked on the door," they spoke casually, letting themselves into his apartment and spreading themselves on the couch like they'd been living there for a while, in a particularly odd way that eerily resembled that of his dog, "but I was running late since my dad was telling me that I should come clean about this whole thing and bla bla, y'know that old man wisdom? You seem like you know what old geezers think. Anyways, Dad was givin' me the lecture and whatnot, so I told him that since I was mostly recovered, I might as well come and say hi without barking."

"Without... barking?"

He squinted his eyes even further as he tried to make sense of this.

"So you didn't gift me a dog, you..."

"Were the dog? Yup! The name's actually Soseki [y/n], and I've been a spy at [c /o/n] for about a year or two, can't remember too well since my time was cut short by a certain injury some pretty asshole gave me. Annoying, ain't it? I hate getting shot at. Being a dog is so much easier."

"You lied," he said, trying not to panic from the fact that he had been sharing his life for quite some time with another person in disguise, "when you said you didn't have an ability."

"Of course! Isn't that what everyone does? People lie tons, like when you told 'Saigay Jr.' that you didn't have a ticklish spot, only for me to find out that you have sensitive ears and chest. Very ticklish, especially when you think no one is watching."

He felt the blood rushing to his face while he swallowed dryly. What else had he done accidentally in all that time? He couldn't possibly have kept track of everything.

"Aw, he blushes," they laughed, tapping his nose before he could recover. "Relax, I'm not out to get you. I thought you were interesting and cute when you kidnapped me, so I thought I'd put you to the test for a bit while I recovered from my injuries. Okay, not so much a test, per se, but I wanted to hang out with you. I had a feeling you were lonely, and I was right!"

Heartbroken wasn't the right word to describe how he felt; what was running through his mind was a hellish mixture of embarrassment and fear of vulnerability. It's the sensation one feels when one is deceived and looks back on it, wondering how they could've been so foolish. He should've known, he kept telling himself.

"I get that you probably feel humiliated. Dad says that most people do, so I've just gotta smile and remind them that I've got a terrible memory," they laughed, reading his mind. "Maybe once you get over it you'll come to realize that I wasn't lying about wanting your friendship."

With a timid smile, nothing like what their usual bubbly personality would typically make, they bowed gently to him, seemed to consider leaning in to hug him, then decided that this all would be too much at once.

[y/n] left, hesitantly adding, "Same place... tomorrow?"

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Why had Jouno showed up at the bar where they had originally been introduced, all those months ago, when he'd been so foolishly deceived?

Perhaps it was as he kept repeating in his head, that he was there to pick up the pieces of his torn dignity. Or maybe it was to finally kill them and receive the reward on their head.

Or was it to accept their offer?

He reassured himself that he couldn't possibly, that people were terrible and he couldn't let himself get soft with this one or else he'd become mushy and weak. He wasn't sure what terrified him so much about that idea, but he didn't even consider it as an option.

As always, the bells jingled as he entered, but there was no shout of his mispronounced name.

Nevertheless, he took a seat at the counter, ordering the whiskey not because he wanted some, but because he subconsciously attributed it to this location and time, despite not having an overwhelming number of memories here. He supposed that certain memories can be short but impact you more than you could ever fathom.

Even while he waited, he'd began to feel the pit of his stomach drop, like he had a cavity in his chest in place of a soul. Jouno hadn't realized up until now how accustomed he'd grown to a persistent joyful presence in his life, be it [y/n] under human or canine form.

The waiter returned, placing his order against the counter, and murmuring in a melodic voice, "I didn't expect you to come."

He didn't have to glance upwards to know it was [y/n], and so kept his gaze downcast.

"I'd say I'm sorry but I don't quite see anything to apologize for," they said, taking a sip out of his drink, lips lingering at the rim of the glass. "I had a lot of fun in the past few months, haven't you? My approach might've been a bit cruel, but think of it as Karma for shooting me, twice. This way, we're even! Wha'd'ya say? We good?"

Jouno's mouth betrayed him as he snatched the cup from them, chugged it all down at once, then said, "yeah, why not?"

Immediately, their heart rate sped up from excitement, and they leapt across the counter to trap him in a bear hug. Trying to resist but knowing there was no point, he eventually melted into their embrace.

Pulling away, they giddily babbled, "Okay, so now that you've forgiven me, I feel like it's a great time to mention that I've seen you strip multiple times and I would've told you that it was weird to change your clothes in front of a dog but I didn't know how to tell you or look away without acting weird so I just went with it and I feel like maybe I should compliment your stellar abs while I'm rambling like this but complimenting you will probably not do much good so how about I just offer you another drink and we forget this whole thing?"

Jouno cursed under his breath, nearly chuckling but not quite, realizing that they were right. "Fuck, what else did I do?"

"Well, I've got to tell you that your snoring is adorable, but you roll a lot in your sleep and that, mister, is something we need to take care of."

For the first time since he could remember, Jouno laughed a genuine laugh, not laced with malice or sugarcoated, as he listened to [y/n] vividly recounting their numerous embarrassing tales of him, only to be teased back for their dog habits like the panting and tail wagging. He'd've thought that the drinks were making him loose, but [y/n] had actually told the waiter to give them both multiple shots of apple juice.

As the night progressed, Jouno slowly found out that he'd opened himself up a lot more than he was comfortable admitting. Yet, this made him both want to retreat and lock [y/n] out of his life and invite them into his daily rituals, to never let them go. On the other hand, [y/n] had always found him to be a wonderful person, and only became further entranced as they watched him operate on a daily basis.

Somehow, Sweet fell in love with Sour, and Sour fell in love with Sweet.

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Another set of months later, Jouno returned from a particular mission given to him in the middle of the night, exhausted, ready to do nothing expect collapse onto the bed and sleep.

He was practically dragging his feet as he approached the door of his apartment, inserted the keys lazily and opened it. As always, his partner called out for him.

"Sai!" they said, skipping up to the door and noticing his beat up expression. "Damn, what did they force you to do this time?"

He shook his head before burying it into the crook of their neck and letting his hands dangle by their side. "The guy I had to interrogate was an opera singer, lungs of fucking steel." Strands of his hair were brushing by their skin, and his lips were murmuring against the warmth. "He wouldn't stop screaming my ears off, even with the gag."

Unable to contain their laughter, they poorly comforted him with a rub on the back while shaking from giggles. "My poor baby, today hasn't been your day, has it?"

Almost like handling an infant, they snuck their arms under his own and half-carried him to the bedroom. Getting in with him and tenderly placing a kiss on his cheek, [y/n] traced out random features on his face with their fingertip, hoping to soothe his body with touch.

"You smell terribly by the way," they said sarcastically in a deep sultry voice. "Do I kick you out to sleep on the couch or are you gonna take a shower? I can smell the blood on you, darling."

Half-asleep already, he slurred a, "Tomorrow...", followed by, "It's not my fault you've got the nose of a dog."

"You aren't any better," [y/n] teased, rolling over on top of him and kissing his sensitive lips with the delicacy of a flower blooming in spring snow.

"Just... let me sleep," he groaned, waving them away like a fly, only to have his hand caught by their own.

"Mnn, fine," murmured the [h/c] haired individual, gazing at him softly with heavy eyelids, as mesmerized with him as always. "Want something fluffy to snuggle into?"

"No, stay the way you are."

With another kiss that lasted a bit longer and in which Jouno participated weakly, [y/n] rolled back and cradled his head, bringing it onto their chest.

"'Night, [y/n]," he managed to say, shifting himself so that he was curled up against their figure. After a brief pause, he shuffled himself again under the covers, resting his head on their body. With their chest steadily rising and falling in sync with their consistent breathing, he found that he slept so much better.

They smiled gently.

"Goodnight, Saigiku."

[girlfriendsofthegalaxy]

tuesday again 2/27/2024

this is the longest ive ever been unemployed and media is only doing so much to beat back the horrors. so let’s talk about the media instead of the horrors

listening

Come Up For Air by We The Commas, off i think one of the autogenerated spotify indie mixes?

sort of a rollicking modern little surf rock thing, they describe themselves as "surf and alternate rhythm and blue" which is pretty bang on imo. they're all brothers (their last name genuinely is Comma, which i salute as a fellow weird last name haver), and cite john mayer (i don't really hear it) and the beach boys (yes i hear this very much) as some of their influences. a song i had on loop for an entire forty minute drive and did not get tired of. spotify

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reading

three books that MUST go back to the library tomorrow bc their autorenew is up and i was emotionally unable to get a library card without tooling around and getting a stack of books a month ago.

thank you philip.

i really only liked the Carmilla adaptation by Amy Chu, bc it really gets at what i didn't realize was the heart of the original 1872 lesbian vampire novella: a toxic gay housing situation you have fallen into and can't get out of bc your area is so so so expensive and housing is so so so tenuous. i have read the original but not in a while, this is an excellent modern adaptation centering around a nyc social worker in the late seventies that presupposes no knowledge and intertwines the original novella in the form of a stolen rare book. (nonconsecutive pages)

i don't have much to say about the DC young adult comic about the circus career of one of the Robins (Dick Grayson). i didn't love the loose artstyle and am not in its intended age range plus it had a bit too much therapyspeak, but it did have a clever use of a very limited color palette.

let's yank the amazon description for the detective novel, which i grabbed bc it vaguely pinged something in my brain about one of the fallout 4 sidequests and i've picked books up for worse reasons (SPOILERS):

Jacob Rigolet, a soon-to-be former assistant to a wealthy art collector, looks up from his seat at an auction—his mother, former head librarian at the Halifax Free Library, is walking almost casually up the aisle. Before a stunned audience, she flings an open jar of black ink at master photographer Robert Capa’s “Death on a Leipzig Balcony.” Jacob’s police detective fiancée, Martha Crauchet, is assigned to the ensuing interrogation. 

i simply fucking hated this authorial style and tone and ditched it two chapters in. i don’t currently have the patience for reading about a clinically insane mother and hate crimes against Jewish people. despite the fairly dark premise, the first two chapters veer into cozy mystery with very short sentences, which do not a noir make. now, it does not advertise itself as noir or neo-noir, but as an homage to noir. it is for me unbearably smug. in my most unkind heart of hearts i want to say it's like if wes anderson tried to make a noir. this is a book that wants you to know it has read other noirs. yes thank you ive read several others, that’s why im reading this one, stop reminding me of better books i could be reading.

there's some weird descriptions of womens' bodies in here. chandler (my beloved) is certainly guilty of this as well, but he lavishes a sort of equal opportunity eye on the men in his mysteries. cf the infamous daniel lavery description.

when i read a chandler description of someone’s physical appearance there’s a fruity bisexual aftertaste in my mouth. Howard Norman, below, saying a woman takes great care of herself puts my hackles up. i understand the difference between an author and a character believing something and i don’t want to read a book where either the author or the character have this sort of pitying condescension towards a woman’s body. im feeling extremely terrible about my own body right now due to the various maladies, and another sort of breaking point for me is when an author repeatedly describes "naked breasts" (exact wording) pressing against someone's torso. it feels so juvenile. that's the sexiest thing you can possibly think of??? that's the sexiest way you can think of to describe an early mornign moment of intimacy???? augh i read the NYT review and it gets worse.

shut the FUCK up. i left my apartment at 1130 PM to go put this book in my CAR. i don't want it in my HOUSE.

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watching

Bullitt (1968, dir. Yates, free on Tubi). the baddie in this is Robert Vaughn (who i know from cowboys), a guy i fucking love to see. i can take or leave Steve McQueen but he does such a killer job parallel parking in this movie and i wish all driving movies made their leads parallel park. shockingly realistic hospital, morgue, and police work scenes, apparently was one of the big films to popularize blood squibs. also love to see a haunted man splash water on his face and stare into a mirror.

if you asked me how long the famous car chase was i would have said like 2:30? substantial but snappy. no!!! eleven minutes!! (video a bit trimmed). also a rare movie that makes a foot chase through an airport as exciting as that eleven minute car chase!!!

the mob dodging plot was a little hard to follow, but i was operating on like four hours of sleep and a rum and coke. this has got to be a tremendous movie to watch when you’re home and sick on the couch huddled under a blanket. i mean this as a compliment, as someone who watches Escape from New York whenever i feel very sick

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playing

really wanted to get to 69 shrines before writing this post and finally did it. all the little divine beasts walking along the loading screen are SO cute i've never gotten all four before

all the divine beasts are unlocked and the champions laid to rest! im feeling some type of way emotionally speaking about all of them telling link IMMEDIATELY that it wasn't his or zelda's fault they died

rudania has the worst boarding mission (in order of ones i most enjoyed it's camel [SO fast and SO fun], bird [lots of time to think and plan and aim], elephant [did not make me do a tedious stealth mission but i am bad at locking on to rapidly moving things behind me, much like in real life], and lizard. the lizard stealth mission is simply unpleasant). however, my brain really clicked with the puzzles in rudania: i had to consult a walkthrough once for an optional chest. in order of interior beast puzzle enjoyment for me it's lizard, bird, elephant, and camel. really got stuck for a long time on the waterwheels with the elephant before consulting a walkthrough.

the yiga clan stealth mission was not as hard as i thought it would be. i don't know why i put that off for two real life weeks but i will not learn my lesson and i will never improve. this boss battle was just silly.

the vah naboris interior puzzles were not fun. idk what it was about them or my brain that made me have such a bad time, but i spammed revali's gale and skipped a lot of chests bc i was not having fun. this is why god invented the walkthrough but sometimes. shit is just too fiddly.

i did succeed on the thunder ganon boss battle first try, but i came in with extra hearts from mipha's grace, used another mipha's grace in the fight, went through five fairies and seven hearty simmered fruits that were 5x durians (which gives you 20 extra hearts or some shit). fucking nightmare. i was stuck on one hit left on ganon for like five minutes bc he got stuck in the very fast flurry attack cycle. unpleasant. deeply grateful it only made me smack him with the magnesis pillar once bc that was also really fiddly with my poor reaction time + poor fine motor skills + previously mentioned ancient controller with some drift. in order of boss battle enjoyment i think it's lizard (made me think and kept me on my toes a little but i did have to look up how to break the shield), elephant (you can just kind of tank it), bird (same), and camel (extremely not fun).

this was WITH a fully upgraded gimp suit btw. that shit (ganon) just hits hard.

shrine shenanigans:

crowned beast very fun, i have one or two of kass' songs left and then i hope i get to see him back in rito village with his family??? a little nervous bc i went right to the jungle spring without hearing his song first so idk if that will. count??? or softlock me.

the MOUNDS of failed cooking attempts around this shrine on the grasslands side of the gerudo barrier mountains were SO funny.

unlocked all the spring shrines. what a fun mission. what a fun climb.

went to my FAVORITE shrine!!! going into what you think will be a normal cave and discovering it is DEEP with a BIG WHALE INSIDE is top three video game whale moments (the other two are diving with the whales in ABZU and meeting the last whale in the first dishonored).

other bits and bobs:

eggman rocks???

this quest was really cute and i wish there was a corresponding quest for the guy hanging around the broken heart pond, but it always makes me laugh whenever a dragon shows up in the background of a screenshot. a really great touching moment but watch out for the elemental orbs rapidly approaching us

also made me chortle. get it together barta.

i wish the helm was upgradable but i think making me kill a molduga in order to borrow it is a pretty fair trade actually.

-

making

i originally had a really long thing here about litterbox trials and tribulations but i have decided to spare you all. you're welcome.

many balcony improvements, including putting up trellises and installing bird spikes to hopefully keep a very persistent orange tom off my balcony and away from my girls.

there are a goofy number of obstacles in the way of me making a proper planting diagram (sketchbooks buried deep in closet. flung the seeds in a box on a shelf i need to find my stepstool for. can't find pencil sharpener) so for the second week in a row that's not happening. however, sprouts.

baby italian lettuce blend

bush beans in the front and cucumbers + sweet peas in the back.

[aroacesafeplaceforall]

Hi, I'm aroace. you "do not ship canon aroace char" is deeply misleading. I shouldn't explain it to you but aromanticism and asexuality are spectrums. Where Alastor falls on that spectrum depends on how who writes him. He can be comfortable with a particular "messed up" idea of "romance" that does not align with the normal concept of romance. He can be into kinks/fetishes without being into traditional sex - and he will still be ace. Hell, he's a serial killer, and guess how high is the percentage of sexual deviants among serial killers.

Grey aromanticism and grey asexuality are a fucking thing and it's genuinely a shame fellow aroaces try to shame those of us who are on the grey part of the spectrum into thinking that aroace characters cannot be shipped. Yes... they can. Just like aroace people can be in romantic and sexual relationships of non-traditional kind and still associate themselves with the labels.

Comparing homosexuality, often seen as non-spectral (though many people can argue and we should Not Be Like This About Labels), with spectrums of aromantic and/or asexual attraction is deeply misguided. It makes me wonder if you are fully aware what you're talking about.

*I've been in the fandom since the pilot and I never heard about Viv confirming his aromanticism, just his asexuality. If new information dropped, I'd love to hear it - but if he is just ace, you guys should now be assigning aromanticism to him just because. Romantic asexuals exist, it's normal.

Bestie… how about you check the post you’re quoting?

This is for all aroace characters. Not just some random ass demon (??) from a show I’ve never seen but people seem to be obsessed with…

Sure if they’re called aroace SPEC then go ahead and speculate… but if they’re called AROACE then well kinda different situations lol…

it’s also a different situation if someone is posting shit like “IF I EVER SEE YOU SHIP (canon gay man) WITH (women character) IM BLOCKING YOU SO HARD” and then turn around and say “AROACE IS A SPECTRUM IM NOT BUT OTHERS ARE AND I SAY THIS!!!”

I’ve also stated multiple times that I have far less of an issue with it then some of those posts might make you believe. I’m pretty sure I did a post somewhere about my “here’s how you don’t fuck up” rules.

I can’t quote it but I know some highlights:

-if your aspec you can ship, I know your not going to be gross about it (hopefully)

-acknowledgment of aspec identity in the fic no matter the contents

-if someone is written as sex-repulsed; don’t do the opposite. Same with romance-repulsed

Sincerely,

An aegosexual/aromantic pansexual, who’s been doing this shit for about 2 years now and known about aspec identity/advocated for, for far longer

[dezz111]

Looks my fellow gays in the eyes

You.

You have the ability to do the funniest thing on Earth.

Trump has declared that men do not exist. That means all my trans fem friends are officially women. That means that if you are gay and are told you can't love another man, just say that your partner by law is not a man and that its fine. If you are lesbian and someone says that you shouldn't be with another woman, tell them that technically everyone is a woman and they're also sinning because they're now in a queer relationship. For the non-binaries and gender fluids, you can now argue that anyone who tells you you aren't the gender you are, tell them that the law now declares everyone a woman and that everyone has become fluid to some extent.

Look, Im no good at comforting people. But what I'm trying to say is to not let Trump's stupidity be the end. I don't want these next four year's to be someone's 13th reason. You are you. You love who you love. Don't Collonel Collusion make you do something you can't take back.

I want all of you to live.

Live for your. Live as yourself. Live to spite the Cheetoh Dust Derby.

Because at the end of the day, you can hold the hand of your partner and not have them smack it away on national television. Multiple time. Every time, actually...

These next four years will be hard but we can survive them and hopefully get someone who actually cares about us. Who cares about you.

And if you need a reson to live, even a really dumb one, I can give you my list I use:

Felix Lee is my alarm and I'd hate to never hear his voice.

Genshin Impact on the Switch

My dog is too bougie to survive without my dumbass pampering her

Pedro Pascal and Henry Cavill Edits

Spite

I need to finish the fic I was writing...

There's no AO3 in the afterlife

I need to finish my Weebtoon...

season 2 of Ouran Highschool Host Club

Bianca del Rio on Drag Race All Stars

the list goes on but it also gets unhinged so that's all you get.

But live you beautiful bitch!

Live even if only to spite the enemy who doesn't know you. Live knowing that their hate is measure of the stupity that they test at every perceived convenience. Live knowing that you live a life more fulfilled than the follies of a man unloved by the whose hand he longs to hold.

[tmasc-confessions]

(same anon as before) i cant help but suspect that mine aren't being posted because i complain about my fellow trans mascs and how they treat me + others in the trans community. i know i cant see all the submissions you wade through but lots of confessions getting posted are complaining about either cis people or transfems, to about the same degree that mine are critiquing transmascs. nothing inherently wrong with posting those of course. im just getting a feeling about it because it seems disproportionate. some of mine were submitted weeks ago and never posted so its not because im not giving you enough time.

i do not mention discourse or any of the terms you guys dislike in my submitted vents. theyre about transmascs because we are the majority on trans tumblr AND in the queer spaces ive been to irl, so it just happens that most of the trans people ive interacted with are transmasculine. i definitely dont at any point imply that behaviour has anything to do with identity. but there is bad behaviour within our own community that i think needs to be pointed out.

this is turning into another vent, but ive felt alienated my entire life because im a gay immigrant. too gay for my own people, but not western enough in my beliefs/values/actions (or whatever it is people want from me) for american queers. and i feel like i cant talk about that problem because the americans always take it as an insult and get defensive on me. my vents being ignored here is feeling similar but i know that at least some of it is me projecting, since i cant see your inbox myself. idk. i could be wrong.

you published my one vent where i complained about people equating fandom discourse with actual oppression, and told me not to speak over people... maybe it was a misunderstanding, but i just meant that theres a key difference between something online that upsets you but ultimately doesnt matter, and systemic transphobia. it wasnt specifically about confessions on this blog, just general tumblr spaces. i dont think im wrong for pointing this out and wanting to focus on real problems. i know part of it is my phrasing, i have never been "nice enough" by western standards (and folks from my culture think im Too Nice which makes me creepy and weird to them lol) and i promise im trying to be better at that.

it seems to me that theres a drive on this blog and throughout our community overall to validate every negative feeling a trans guy ever has, and i get why, but sometimes its impossible to validate everyone (e.g. you didnt validate my upset in the posted vent because that would invalidate the guys I'm complaining about). but to me, it is insulting to imply that seeing a strangers gender headcanon is anywhere near the same as experiencing systemic transphobia so now *i* feel talked over. like i just keep getting told not to talk about whats bothering me bc other people cant handle it?? i really want a space where i can vent out these feelings and i was hoping to do so here. you dont owe me the space of course, but thats what i was looking for.

i apologise for the length but i hope that gave more context. just to be clear im not assuming the mods here are american, all that is just about personal experience irl. i will be patient for your response (or you can publish this as just a vent and no comments). 🐯 ill start using this tiger emoji if i send any more so you know its me

Well, yes, on a vent blog there is a drive to hear everybody out. Of course. That’s how a vent blog works.

And yes… of course systemic oppression is a billion times worse than headcanons online. Nobody’s putting that in question. I 100% agree with you.

But the purpose of this blog isn’t “tell me the biggest darkest most horrible thing that bothers you”, it’s just “hey, rant about whatever you want no matter how big or small it may be because we wanna provide a space for transmascs to feel comfortable saying what’s on their minds without being scrutinised by the community at large.”

So when you send asks saying what is basically the intercommunity equivalent of “it makes me angry that my friends complain about their lunch in the school cafeteria because there are children starving in third world countries”, then you understand why we would find them a little unreasonable, no?

Nobody’s trying to minimise your struggles or put them on the same level as more trivial things like that. That’s not the purpose of this blog. But if it genuinely makes you uncomfortable to see people venting about headcanons or representation or whatever, then this probably isn’t the blog for you, and I’m genuinely sorry… We try to hear people out about their issues and the things that bother them. Yes, even if it’s something silly like “I got the girl’s toy at McDonalds and that made me dysphoric.”

You are free to send your rants and vents as long as they are not at the expense of other’s rants and vents. You wanna vent about oppression? I actively encourage it. But there is no reason to drag other people’s vents, no matter how invalid you might think they are, into it.

Also, no, neither of us are from the USA. Neither of us speak English as a first language at all, actually, I’ve just just gotten good with it by using the internet. And I think 🦚 did the same.

[unproduciblesmackdown]

also how it's like oh yeah wait it's also so obvious that lo cocodrilo is a kindred spirit of our heroes / just an alternate version/life of someone like that, just as he says himself / the importance of his story is indeed Relating to the hero & vice versa & not everyone being like oh that's so Other & i could never be like that anyway sooo / put himself in a situation where You Don't Belong There I'm Gonna Get You Out (just like banana, though he is the one held at gunpoint there, rather than holding people at knifepoint etc) via simply that he too in visuals & style Is A Fellow Outlaw Cowboy....while this is really a modern day "real world" story, as ever, that could've-been indeed modern real-world parallel storyline about [bloodsong is a show within the show that these people are putting on] that's still really There, there [lo cocodrilo] is during last on land, which is All About That, good lord. i imagined [imagine really seeing that number happen] like whew 😭

anyway that if lo cocodrilo was the real true inherent™ opposite of our hero like, he'd have so much more of that "real world" affect / style as we do get to glimpse in the doubled side characters who Are living in it rather than outlawing with their whole hearts and pussies....like he would just be some i guess business casual guy who would then maybe only be allowed to perform a persona as like musical act but he's not also Living And Being That Always as lo cocodrilo is (and as ever, bsol not trying to present like lo cocodrilo as going bastard route bc he's Inferior like oh he was just weaker or a pussy or born eviller or whatever, and it not even really trying to argue Oh His Music Is Bad, we don't ever Really even directly hear it, seems he still puts his whole heart and pussy into it Enough really, why wouldn't he) and like then i was reminded like wait and yeah lol we do see Exactly That expressed with the presumed [more Office Work going on just out of frame, managing the business success] with carol just out of frame, shaking her head too, and henchman steve crashing right on in with glasses and i always believe clipboard and jacket and business updates, bless him. and then the Inevitably Pwns Someone In The Audience "i wear polo shirts now 😞" "not in your soul, you don't" line w banana held hostage in Even More Normative Suburban Home Life™ im gonna get you outta there you don't belong there (truly exactly what happens with the musician Needing his special guy and Knowing him and his true self and beautiful pure heart like i have to woo him back and also will kill everyone if i have to i guess. and thus, stole her man) (lo cocodrilo and his own special little guy just right there (doubled banana) (henchman....) who is even handling the Outlaw Cowboy affairs and going out of his way to tell lo cocodrilo prepare for a showdown and then after beautiful and comedic but beautiful fr vulnerability lo cocodrilo can simply only respond to that through his required rejection of it like i guess i must devour you (have gay sex (kill him and take his heart)) god....it's so special. go Project / Reject One's Own Vulnerable Self on banana but yknow less of the actual killing more of the actual gay sex. god. i cannot believe lo cocodrilo....repressed denial of vulnerability gay bastard villain funny little guy character of all Time and im not kidding at all. these sort of whims-following scrappy fun lively yet truly dangerous range-having villains are DYING to be him)

[marmolao]

I'm very dizzy so I'll show up here again in three years (this is my posthumous letter)

Inatober day 2 vampires but like just 1 vampire and today there isnt comic because im dizzy as fuck what is happening on my brain

This is a story about many things.

A clock. A bed.

He wanted to go with his friends.

But his dad had other plans for him.

"You will not leave this house".

Kariya yelled and cried.

But he was now captive on his bedroom.

They will be having happy dances,

And will trade gifts,

But he on his room will stay.

"Hewwo, my little friend Kariya",

He heard from his window.

And then saw the figure of what was supposed to be his friend.

"You are probably wondering why I wear this epic cape".

He was, indeed.

"Are you going to help me escape from home?".

"No, what? I am a vampire now. Look at my cape!".

But he couldn't care less-"Wait. A vampire?".

"A bloody vampire, my good little fellow Kariya".

"... You know that werewolfs are better, don't ya-"

"So shut up a moment, my friend. I got bitted on my neck. Now I am small vampire, but if I recruit another vampire, I become bigger vampire. You can be that small vampire I am looking for, or you can be my zombie friend. You can, like, eat your parent's brains, or something".

"Why I couldn't be a werewolf?"

"THAT'S-I dont know how that works. It doesn't matter".

"I want to be a werewolf!".

"I want to stop being a vampire so I can still play soccer with my friends, Kariya, but life is a bit difficult. We live in a constant crisis. I need a small vampire. Will you share this curse with me?".

Hikaru reached out his hand from the window frames. He was about to fall, but he still wanted to look cool.

"... No, that sounds gay".

"Well, you miss it. You are missing the best epic adventure ever".

Hikaru was about to let himself fall from the window, but then Kariya hold his cape, making Hikaru hang from it. Now Hikaru was looking even more ridiculous.

"Thank you for that", he didn't really wanted to die.

"It's okay, Hikaru. I will be your werewolf friend".

"Ah, I guess you can be my werewolf friend. But the clan will not hear anything about that, okay? That would bring shame to my name".

"Okay!". He let Hikaru fall.

Imagine a Clastevania story about Kariya going to kill Hikaru.

And a Kariya Belmont design.

But you know.

I have a math test tomorrow...

I am very dizzy.

The end.

[summerlycoris]

Annon-Guy: As fellow Dawn of the New World fan, what do you think of the main characters introduced in that game?

Specifically Emil, Ratatosk, Marta, Tenebrae, Richter, Aqua, Alice and Decus.

Its been forever since ive played dotnw, so i might mess up small details. (I want to play it again- but am procrastinating playing symphonia orz)

Emil- the twist with him was so good. Kinda similar to Lukes twist in tota, except a bit more tragic because. The real Emil Castnagier is dead from the palmacosta fire. And Aster is dead because of Ratatosk.

But... he's still the real Emil. Even if his life was a lie. Even if his memories of his past were fake. The memories he made with Marta, Tenebrae, and everyone were real.

Ratatosk- I cant really remember a tonne about him individually tbh. Only that he improves over the course of the story, and becomes a much better teammate to Marta and Tenebrae.

Speaking of- Marta- shes a lot of fun honestly. The quips between her and tenebrae were perfect. And her character was also really cool- going up against her dad and the vanguard, all to try and save ratatosk. Shes cool.

Also, shes got tokunaga on her backpack. Any fan of Best Abyss Character, Anise Tatlin, is a friend of mine! (joke)(kinda)(i probably would like any Anise fan unless they were murderers or something like that.)

Tenebrae- brillient honestly. After playing tota, i can see the Jade influence loud and clear. And then you get to the twist and realise- he was in on it! He knew what was going on... owwie my heart. I see his reasoning for staying silent though. Just. Ow.

Richter- gay gay homosexual gay- sorry Richter, but its true!

On a serious note. God his situation is tragic. Seeing his dead best friend in Emil- and still seeing fit to be nice to Emil, and help him out? Despite knowing that this is really ratatosk? Amnesiatically piloting a copy of his best friends body? Ow owow ow ow. That got to me when i was sixteen (still kinda gets to me tbh) why? Because he believed in Emil being Emil.

Im sorry, I just need a minute.

Aqua- another one I dont remember a tonne about. She was really loyal to Richter- even above his own desires at times iirc.

And now, for my absolute blorbo from this game...

Alice- my silliest little meow meow who has done ABSOLUTELY NOTHING WRONG EVER FIGHT ME ABOUT IT!

(She has done everything wrong and i love her for it.)

I went fucking loopy for this girl when i was sixteen. Like, if she told me to jump off a cliff i woulda done it. I wouldve fought Decus for her heart in a heartbeat if. Yknow. I couldve ever stood a chance at winning lmao.

I did all her sidequests in a second playthrough. (Missed some time sensative ones in my first playthrough nooooo) and felt so bad for her when her backstory was revealed. I loved that sidequest where she gives an old lady from tetha hella medicine (iirc) because. It showed me just what she couldve been if only the world had been better towards her.

Shit, i even tried brainstorming some timetravel au fanfic with her when i was a teen. Glad that never got out of my head- i wouldve written it SO badly. (My writing when i was sixteen was SO SHIT OMG-)

I felt so bad for that final battle with them, where we had to kill her and Decus. And she realises she really did love him... tear my heart out too why dont you?!

I really need to replay this game honestly.

Decus- hes pretty cool honestly. I cant remember the most about him. I liked hearing his backstory. And he had a interesting character- prioritising Alice above any allegence he had to the vanguard. And yet- he played the punch clock villian. It was never personal if he had to attack Emil or Marta- just his job.

This is all ive got for now. One day i will replay it again. One day. I hope that answers your question!

[mariska]

hi queer friends in my phone i hope u have all been having an ok month so far 💖 im sorry i havent been online very much lately, its like 80% just me being forgetful except to hop on my phone app for like ten mins to browse my dash and reblog something and get distracted by another non phone related activity LOL. my bestie Eli is here still until the rest of the month and we finished our rewatch (their first watch, my like......who even knows the specific numbered rewatch) of Avatar The Last Airbender a couple days ago and that was very fun and exciting, it was wild getting to those last few episodes in the final season and just totally getting brought back to being a kid in my head when the show was actively airing on tv and i was sitting in my bedroom exploding from sheer special interest excitement watching the story wrap up on the super small box tv i used to have like 15+ years ago 😭🫡 we haven't started watching Legend Of Korra yet since we just finished ATLA and need to like. take a lil Avatar media break before jumping into another entire finished series fhdhdhsfsshhgd but excited for whenever we start that too!! Eli showed me a fav movie of theirs the other night called Thoroughbreds and i REALLY liked it, fellow toxic yuri enjoyers i truly cannot recommend that one enough those girls have Problems In Abundance and i love that for them and also me.

OH OH OH ALSO on my birthday after we got home from out of house activities we watched that Nic Cage movie 'Dream Scenario' that i've wanted to see so bad since the first trailer for it dropped online a while back, and i am truly not just being dramatic when i say i think that is my favorite movie i've seen this year and it will be Difficult for another movie to win over that 2024 Fav Spot in my mind, it was exactly what i wanted it to be and MUCH MORE LMAOO IT WAS SO GODDAMN FUNNY. very specifically Me And Eli's Kinda Stupid Sense Of Humor throughout the whole run time we were fuckin losing it at every other scene. that was a wonderful lil birthday treat.

also the antique mall we were gonna go to ended up being closed on the day of my birthday so we went to a big mall off-Cape that i like instead and have been to a few other times for past birthdays cus they actually have a bunch of different types of stores with stuff i actually enjoy unlike the more local mall we have here that is 100% dying a slow agonizing Mall Death lmao. went to Build-A-Bear and they had that one bear style in stock that literally just looks like a femme lesbian with the lesbian flag colors and perfect lil eyeliner so i made a Chappell Roan inspired pop star outfit wearing lesbian colored bear (saw someone else online do that a lil while back with the same style i chose so i couldn't resist doing it myself when i saw it was at the store hfsfgsvsgshshdg) and the ppl working there that day were all super chill and friendly and most likely around me and Eli's age or maybe a few yrs younger than us, the person who helped me make my bear specifically was really friendly and fun to talk with cus while we were in there it was pretty much just us and the employees for the majority of the time, he like immediately picked up on me being A Very Obvious Femme Lesbian on account of The Femme Lesbian Bear and also The Very Over The Top Femme Alt Outfit I Was Wearing and we chatted abt being gay and trans while he was stuffing the bear it was such a genuinely sweet and wonderful interaction, he was also autistic and we got to briefly bond over Build-A-Bear being mutual life long autistic special interests of ours and he seemed rly happy to hear that i was turning 27 that day and was still actively wanting to spend birthdays making custom stuffed animals there it was just really great all around 😭💕 also before the mall closed later on we did a quick stop at the FYE store that was there (i always get very excited when i see a still active FYE store anywhere cus it was a childhood fav place of mine to shop but our local mall closed ours when i was a teenager lol) and there was a small stand set up with some ATLA merch and i got a fully functional Momo backpack/crossbody style bag that i am so incredibly psyched about having fjdgedfdhsshfg it is very cute. and anyone who knows me knows i love adding a silly lil functional novelty bag to my collection of silly lil novelty bags. so it will be getting much use from me out in the world

anyways!!! thats pretty much what i've been up to, just figured i would hop on and write a mariska life update so everyone here knows i didnt just like. drop off the face of the earth lol

[effieandtim]

Really loved the recent interviews we have got from Jonny! I am so glad he was able to talk about Fellow Travelers and it is always such a delight to hear him speak. Bonus was him tying all three of his projects together but you could see how excited he was about FT and the story they are telling

me too😭

im really glad they are able to do promo for the show and we have jonathan talking in depth about tim and what it means to be authentic to yourself but also how hard that must be

really heartbreaking though when he shared his own experience of being bullied at school for being gay, and the almost nonchalance with which he said it and tried to cover it up with humour - that must have come with practise ig😭

yeah one of the interviewers was so excited about bridgerton wasnt she? i think she had tried to get him before but couldnt and yeah, i like how he kinda tied his three projects together

i know exactly which bit you’re talking about and it was nice of him to mention the selling point of each project - without defining anyone’s experience for them like POC rep bc that’s not his place and he has said in the past that it’s not his place

the best bit for me from his jess cagle interview tho was the entire segment about him shooting multiple projects at once lmao i love that video sm

[sparkel-dog]

Im so fucking sick of gender. So fucking sick of gender norms. So fucking sick of painfully straight+neurotypical+white privileged people who enforce the most dog shit fucking takes you ever heard. Why are so many people okay with acting like everyone needs to be shoved into neat little boxes and that its Weird if you’re anything outside of what they expect?

I am so sick of people misunderstanding queer people. I hate straight people applying straight standards to gay people. so sick of hearing jokes about queers like “So who’s the Man and whos the Woman in the relationship?” or shit like that. I’m so sick of when someone displays an interest outside of “BOY LIKES BLUE GIRLS LIKE PINK” that it fucking baffles people to the point of questioning their sexuality. “That boy paints his nails and wears dresses? Lol hes Gay” (i even hate seeing fellow queer people make Egg jokes about those people) or even “Is that person really trans? they still like (girl thing) so are they still just a girl?” I hate when some fucking disrespectful family member “accepts” a friend to their face, but as soon as the trans persons back is turned they are constantly deadnamed or misgendered out of earshot. i hate that cis/straight people think that trans people are just fucking pretending to be a different gender and that no one fucking takes it seriously. In their heads you are still just whatever gender they perceived you as no matter what you do or say.

I fucking hate society thinking that people need to pass or even attempt passing. Why must trans people get expensive and hard to achieve surgeries and dress a certain way and grow their hair a certain way for you to even acknowledge their identity. Why do nonbinary people have to look androgynous to you. I hate that because i make literally no effort to pass (nor do not care to), no one even questions my gender and just assumes that Im cis

today some friend of my mom’s came over with her son (less than 2 years old). Mom suggests I let him play with my my little pony dolls and the mother insists “Oh no but he’s a boy! And I don’t wanna make him gay. nothing wrong with that but I would feel so bad because then my dad’s legacy/bloodline would end with him!” To which I (baffled) respond “Why does that matter?” “It matters to Men :) “ why on earth are you bending over backwards to make men happy. why do you so fundamentally misunderstand gay people that you think its scary and bad for your (INFANT) son to possibly like a Pink toy. why do you think people can just seemingly change their sexualities if a boy watches too much barbie or if a girl plays too much hot wheels. why are you so afraid of men expressing femininity that you force a toxic mindset onto your children who are not even old enough to understand these concepts.

why do you need to force everyone into acting out the most cookie cutter 50s-traditional-wife-and-husband relationship where the wife can only like cooking and being a housewife and raising the kids and the man needs to be fucking worshipped and never questioned.

why are straight people so fucking uncomfortable with anything outside the binary.

[wanghedi]

HI i saw your post about gwt and pyx and i would love to hear more about their divorce bc as a fellow 南北 enjoyer who is SO SAD about the divorce but cannot fathom why it happened i want to know if it's just bc im uneducated or if nobody knows. thanks!!!!!

Omg a 南北 enjoyer on tumblr its just u and me anon 🫂 but honestly i also heard about it from the peripheries and from ppl making sad edits. And it makes me sooo bummed to even think about so i never looked into the nitty gritty of it either but from what i gather it started (per usual in c-ent) with their fans. akgae vs akgae vs shippers the classic matchup. (Which is crazy bc theyre not idols or actors they started from literal finance bros who got invited on a puzzle solving show and then they individually and together (thru gay bait) got all these fans and its like a Rule or something that once ur weibo follower count hits a certain number u WILL get crazy akgaes and there WILL be shippers who genuinely think ur fucking ur straight married coworker) i think it was something to do with pyx's fanclub's bday message like something sooo insignificant that somehow got on the nerve of the shippers and the shippers attacked pyx and pyx akgaes attacked them And gwt so gwt akgaes also attacked them and it just got to a point where it was not ignorable for either of them bc their fans fought their way up to weibo hot search #1 for DAYS and then ig to avoid that happening again they just. stopped interacting on camera. And i dont want to speculate if their off camera friendship was affected but at least on camera over the course of one hiatus they just stopped acknowledging each other. But yeah anon if u know anything else let me know. Or whatever else u wanna say on the matter i am always down to talk about 名学蜜逃 🫶

[tisetso-flowerboi7]

losing self control

i remember i used 2 call u medu$a, snakes on ur head and whatnot... i remember i was 15, understanding what frank ocean was saying, i was self destruction and i knew it.

a sad boi had met a broken girl, of course id lose my self control. i play the guitar nowadays and sit in empty rooms, looking at the sun singing about you...not always though, only when i remember u. i remember u alot lately. maybe im not busy enough, or maybe i have emotional trauma, after all, nearly 20 and i have no idea what frank ocean talks about in his songs, a gifted fellow but he's undoubtedly sad, i hope i never seemed that sad 2 u, when we got along u made me very happy... i cry a bit when i remember the happy days. anyway, i still think of u when i play nights but not the second part tho, everyone likes it. it's OK i guess but the part that hooks me is the section where frank harmonises and says "all my night". if it weren't 4 that piece of media i guarantee u i would not have loved u like i did. i always think of u when i hear it, i know u don't think of me tho, especially since that day i lashed out at u, i don't regret it but i just wish i hadn't raised my voice that much, im sorry and whatnot.

i wasn't sure if i was straight or not before i met u, i mean like i knew im not gay but id never been confronted by sexuality before, after the things we did and said, it was clear im heterosexual but u introduced the concept of sexuality 2 me, not sexual orientation and that changed me in a sense. its a passing phase 4 other jits but it stuck w me, especially cause most of the things we talked about we were 2 young 2 know about but i never forget u as my 1st, my 1st 2 ever look at me sexually and appreciate me sexually, so wrong yet so right. i remember when u alluded 2 us sleeping together 4 tha 1st time, it would have been my first time. i couldn't sleep that week, i questioned everything, why exactly is fornication a sin, why did i say all the things that encouraged a sexual encounter w me, why was the thought of being wanted in that capacity so fulfilling, id pray w tears in my eyes feeling like a hypocrite 2 God and a failure of a male, scared of his first nut w a girl he'd always had a thing 4 and was close friends w. how could i then not relate 2 frank ocean, how could i not look at u and see u as a bride untouched by myself, how could i then not remember my heart crumbling when i learned another man had taken ur honour, how could i then not remember the pain i felt when you'd say his name multiple times near me, how could i not remember how u told me i water u u water me and together we grow, how could i then not remember u?

i miss u someday

but remember u always

cool

[walking-loather]

Trying to watch the new hbomb video cos my friend recommended it and im having a hard time. I dont like the word queer. I know. Unpopular opinion to have as a gay.

But where im coming from is every time i hear that word, im not instantly associating it with gay people. Queer doesnt mean gay to me. It means strange. It means odd. It means deviant.

I dont hear "Queer creators", i hear "freakish creators", "weird creators", "abnormal creators".

I cant remove that connection. I cant relearn that connection. To me, queer means freak. It sometimes physically makes me flinch and cringe. Its a word that has so much derision and hatred in it and i just cant forget that. It's a powerful word.

And i know people love the word because its so inclusive... But... Inclusive to who? Cos it certainly isnt inclusive to the people in your community who are hurt by that word. Okay, so what? Not everyone has to be included... But thats a contradictory statement to the one given just before. So that must mean that the word is there to make some people feel comfortable at the expense of others.

Am i slightly hypocritical in this sense? Yeah, i'll call a fellow lesbian a dyke, but i dont call us members of the dyke community. And i make sure the person is okay with being called that. And i would never call someone who wasnt comfortable being called that a dyke.

But ive been called queer, regardless of how i felt. And im part of the queer community whether i like it or not. It just feels like a word ive had no choice in.

And i dont understand how its become so popular. Maybe most people havent had the experience of hearing people like them be described as "nothing but a group of filthy queers" or some other derivative thereof: whatever. But lets look at the word's definition. Odd. Strange. Abnormal. Freakish. Weird. How can you identify with that proudly?

"Definitions change". Yeah, they do. But a word doesnt magically go from meaning one thing to another. Queer doesnt magically become positive overnight. It takes a long time. Language evolves over lengthy timespans, and you cant just expect someone with their lifetime's experience of a word meaning one thing to suddenly change its definition to another. Maybe in 100 years from now queer will be a happy word with no one alive ever having been called it negatively. But gay people still died with that word being the last thing they heard. People were murdered. By their neighbours, by their families, by the state. People are still being murdered. People are still hearing it with hatred. That word has barbs. It has thorns. Maybe one day no one will be hurt by it anymore and everyone will be happy about it. But you're going to have to wait for people like me to die out first.

I didnt particularly like gay as an umbrella term either. Do you know what i prefer it to though? I prefer it over calling myself a slur i dont identify with.