#so upset with past self | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

starofthedawn · 15 days ago

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I made an Ao3 Wrapped😳 ☺️

Does anybody else track their reading in a spreadsheet?

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dumnslut · 9 months ago

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It's lonely isn't it?

#again...VERY SELF INDULGENT #anyways oko deserves an arc where his reality comes crashing down and he cant help but to feel SO alone #hes standing outside and is suddenly so cold #hes thwarted with memories of his traumatic past but hes not angry hes upset at himself for going through that and then hurting people after #plus all of this messed with his idea of him being just absolutely perfect #so hes just getting strangled with emotion #lol #i love hjm #he literally represents so much to me #oko #oko mtg #thunder junction #mtg #magic the gathering #oko the ringleader

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neonbodyache · 2 months ago

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actually fuckedup so bad today i cant believe it

#Shaking and trembling and covered in blood: w-well live and learn i guess right? Can’t change the past right? Onward and upward right????#Technically wasn’t even that bad i just ate more cookies than i meant to but i was just doing so WELL and then today i ate x cals #Of my favorite sweets and I couldn’t stop myself I couldn’t put them down and im so angry ive had so much self control this whole time #I’m still gonna keep under my cal max today I’ll just have salad for dinner and black coffee but fuck man. Shit #I just kept going and got upset so i ate more to quench the feeling of being upset and Ive been stifling that urge so well #i know r3str1cting isnt healthy either but i almost forgot how scary b1nging rlly feels sometimes that was the first rlly Bad one #That wasn’t caused bc i was hungry from r3str1cting intensely but simply because i wanted sugar and couldn’t say no. And its shaken me #Ugh

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shannonsketches · 6 months ago

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lays on the floor do you guys ever think about how in ResF Bulma falls for Vegeta's fake-out with Freeza and both she and Yamcha are worried about Vegeta's villain fake-out strategy in Champa and Beerus' mini tournament and how it's only been a couple of years since the Buu saga and how Vegeta straight up stopped using that strategy after that tournament

#i do #do you think he noticed it upset her twice in a row and was like 'oh I haven't earned the trust back yet i'll retire this strat'#'it's fun to scare people but i do not like my wife being scared we can put this one up on the shelf for emergencies only'#because like bulma can consciously trust him and I'm sure she does but one can still have The Fear if you've seen your spouse relapse befor #And he probably thinks it's very amusing but it is also almost certainly very not funny for her no matter how much she trusts him #and the next arc is Trunks and she's so worried about the way he left she ignored the PDA rules and squished him when she saw him alive #Because Geets determination can be self destructive when it comes to Bulma and Trunks and he killed himself to protect them once before #and knowing how connected they've been for so long some part of her probably Knew he would opt to stay behind and die like he was going to #And I love the idea that between those two events and all of the things Trunks tells him about Bulma during the GB arc Geets has to really #really be confronted with how loved he is -- and it's not that he wasn't aware before but knowing she even missed him at his worst #and loved him maybe even before she was pregnant -- means the cruel part of his mind can't make excuses for why she stayed with him #I also like to think that being confronted with the idea that Bulma is still scared for him getting his worst wires tripped #wouldn't be offensive to him. Knowing he's still got work to do if his wife is worried about those things happening to him again #is just proof that she loves him with his flaws and was still thinking about it and supporting his recovery when he didn't #even notice he was recovering -- which has always been true of her -- and now he has the chance to support her recovery in return #and being in a place where he can still put that work in to make her feel secure in his priorities is a privilege and a gift #and man I just really like how casually comfortably close they are in Super's manga I love them a lot they worked so hard #to make each other feel safe and secure for the past decade+ that it's Easy for them both now and they're SUCH a confident couple #and I am once again shaking the anime by the shoulders WHY didn't you give us that they are SO the team's Mom and Dad in the manga #until Goku riles Vegeta up -- then Piccolo is the team Dad. Bc Piccolo is the team Grandpa aksjda The Z-Fighter's locker room judge #dbtag #vegebul #putting the whole essay in the tags again oops #happy pride i am gay for a whole married couple

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seventh-district · 3 months ago

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again and again i find myself lamenting that audio roleplay isn't taken more seriously by some people. like yeah, they often have a romantic element, and by nature they usually directly involve/address the listener- and i totally get that those things aren't to everyone's taste. no art or entertainment is universally appealing, and that's okay! but.. it still makes me a lil sad that the "cringe" reputation of asmr/audio rp precedes it. there's a whole lot of talent and creativity being poured into these audios by so many people that i feel goes unrecognized and/or disrespected simply due to the medium that the stories are being told through.

#this post brought to you by: me bingeing Sam & Darlin's entire storyline over the past few days and having a Lot of feelings abt it #asmr #audio roleplay #rp audio stuff #redacted audio #anyways i don't have a conclusion to this post. and i'm not Mad or Upset or anything i'm just thinkin' out loud #and i mean it's not like it doesn't get plenty of praise within its respective audience bc it does. at least for the more popular creators #but i feel it'll still always have the shadow of its cringe reputation looming over it #which makes it hard for some ppl to openly appreciate or share with others that aren't already fans of the medium #like do u know how many comments i've seen along the lines of 'this is great but i'd die if anyone knew i liked this kinda stuff' ?? :(#idk maybe i feel strongly about it bc i'm a self-insert fanfic writer. and i feel like the two have a lot in common. including a bad rep.#like. not every audio will be well-written or produced and neither will every fanfic. but that doesn't mean it's a less legitimate artform #and i'm lucky to have never (yet) received negative comments on my work. but that doesn't mean that it doesn't make me sigh when people-#-say shit like 'this reads like fanfiction' as a way of calling something bad. or other similar sentiments that make the same implication #and i wouldn't be surprised if audio creators feel the same way when they encounter certain comments or statements #like. those YT videos where ppl will 'try bf asmr for the first time' or whatever and it's just 20 mins of cringing and over-reacting? eugh #tbf i haven't watched many bc why do that to myself. so Maybe there's some that are respectful but still. imagine getting roasted like that #and yes yes i know that by posting stuff online you're inadvertently sighing up to be criticized by Anyone but still. man. i dunno #i'm going on a tangent but my point is. i'm grateful for the creators that still make their art in spite of the public's perception of it #bc some of the most impactful emotional experiences i've ever gained from fiction took place in audio rp and i'm so serious abt that.#anyways. this post almost feels like i'm 'making up a person to be mad at' but i promise it's not that serious i'm just yapping. mostly.#certainly not trying to start any kind of debate or anything either i just have a lot of fixation-induced energy and nowhere to put it #this is Eric's fault (/lh) for cooking Sam up in a lab catered exactly to my taste and making Darlin' waaaaay too painfully relatable #but it's also My fault for bingeing the Inversion /and/ the Quinn arc /and/ the Summit all within a couple days. but i can't help myself #feels like i've run an emotional marathon. triathlon. The Emotional Olympics if u will. i'm feeling Everything #who knew that beating the shit out of ur fictional abuser could feel so goddamn cathartic! it's a nice replacement when u can't do it irl #anyways i'm off on a tangent again. thanks for coming to my TED Talk i'm gonna crawl back in my hole now #actually i'm gonna go relisten to a few audios. as Research for my Sam & Darlin' playlist as well as a post i'll be making about it soon #u Know i've got it bad when i not only make a playlist but start Posting on here about the songs that remind me of them. i'm cooked guys.

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thecontainerstoreofficial · 4 months ago

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the funniest part abt insecure men is how contradictory their desires are….my ex would always tell me how he had never dated someone who was so fun to go out dancing/clubbing with, how he liked that i was outgoing in that way, etc. but he would then get sooooo insecure at the thought that i partied before we met, that i would do drugs and dance with strangers and kind of slept around, and he would give me so much shit for my partygirl past or whatever. its like he miraculously wanted a partner who was simultaneously so happy to go clubbing with him without ever having gone clubbing in the past lollll

#so dumb #and to clarify its not that i was ever rubbing my past in his face but it would come up occasionally or like #he would see a photo of me in cute party clothes from before we were dating and ig be upset that i had gone out like that?#idk. btw this was a self avowed leftist/liberal dude who lovesss twitter and slowthai or whatever #theyre all like this abt women no matter their political stripe

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auphelia · 2 months ago

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#tw vent #ah yes logging back into tumblr to yeet this and then going #i will persevere i will persevere i will persevere i will persevere #i've never felt this much like an alien in my entire fucking life and that's saying something from someone who was excluded in primary #school and has been since (regularly called devil spawn as well isn't it lovely)#i'm sick and tired of this #i never planned to make it past 18 but i did it regardless out of sheer fucking spite and will and wanting it to get better #and here i am six years later and just as miserable #except this time i won't have to spend weeks discreetly hoarding a stash because i never threw it out #and i know that's not the thing to do and that i should continue to press on and all that and believe it will get better but like #at this point i'm not sure if; even if things do get better that i'll even be in a position to appreciate it?#i feel fucking broken and i have been so utterly numb for most of my life #i don't know how to make friends and even less about how to keep them #i've spent my entire life trying to fit in and getting mocked and bullied for being weird #i adapt personality traits of everyone around me for the sake of never risking upsetting anyone or putting myself at chance of ridicule #i don't even know who i am at this point- i don't think i've ever known myself because by the time i became a teen #i was already hurting myself just so i could get some of my frustration out without making a scene or trouble anyone #it took six years for anyone to notice; six fucking years and even then all i was met with was anger #i hate being excluded and i hate being left out and people keep doing it and i keep doing it to myself #because i don't want to be here anymore but i don't want to hurt anyone so i remove myself from social relations so no one will miss me #i feel so fucking alone and it's all my own fault and i'm so scared to do anything about it #how can anyone want to spend time with someone who doesn't even know themselves? i'm a mess i'm sorry i needed to process my thoughts #but i guess i'll persevere #my cat needs me to #tw suicidal ideation #tw self harm

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shed0kryptz · 1 month ago

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db with long hair is my favorite thing ever :3 it can do so much with it !!!! currently obsessed with his braids but he could do twists. locs. have it natural. THERE ARE SO MANY OPTIONS FR !!!!!!!!

#and yes db deciding to change its hair is character development #in the way that db starts viewing himself less and less as dealbreaker #which i dont think ive talked much about that here but #its a big part of its whole character #and his development !!!#it goes from dealbreaker to db to izrah :3 #izrah being its rediscovered self after realizing that its changed so much to even be db anymore #also its simply him not wanting to be like that anymore #he changed for the better fr #it takes a long time for it to realize why its been unhappy #and it’s because it isn’t comfortable being associated with its old self anymore #and then it reflects on its past and its old name.#ends up telling collector about it #and i suppose they have a whole conversation about how db has been upset with himself #and then ends up realizing that his whole dealbreaker persona. is the big issue !!!!!#okay this isnt the greatest explanation. i can make something better at some point #ourgh #realmstuff #ren rambling

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the-girl-with-too-many-ideas · 8 months ago

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Does anyone else get the feeling that at their core, all of mxtx's works are about cycles of abuses.

#idea dump #ramblings of a sleep deprived girl #heaven official's blessing #tian guan ci fu #scum villian self saving system #mao dao zu shi #grandmaster of demonic cultivation #mxtx #mo xiang tong xiu #cycle of abuse #I don't only mean the passing down of trauma #I also mean the abuses of an established corrupt system #that systematically hurts people that are less fortunate than those who actively benefit from it #to me this one is more prevalent in mdzs and why jin guangyao downfall is so upsetting to me #because he was coming close to breaking the cycle of abuse of both the system and of his family #but unfortunately it was his past actions in service of perpetuating it that doomed him #if he had realized a lot sooner that his father was not worth it #and started pursuing his own interests from the beginning instead of his father's approval he could have changed everything for the better #not to mention that unlike his father he actually treats his spouse with respect and doesn't intentionally hurt her #emphasis on the 'intentional' part (if you know you know)#just like Jin Guangyao became the new wei wuxian Nie Huaisang became the new Jin Guangyao #so i'm of the firm belief that since the system is still in place the cycle will repeat again #and Nie Huaisang will replace Wei Wuxian as someone else becomes his Jin Guangyao #sorry for this long ass essay in the tags lol #it's 3am so I'll probably do the other two another time #also let it be known that I'm only running on spoilers/fanfictions/wiki when it comes to svsss and mdzs #so if anyone bothers to read my essay tags be free to correct anything if I get something wrong #side note why wasn't mdzs about breaking cycles???#why didn't yanli become sect leader. Jiang cheng remain coreless. or Jin Zixuan marry into the Jiangs to show worth outside the norms #you can be a strong woman without being cruel. cultivation doesn't equal worth. and powerful women are beautiful and should be respected

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cookieofearthbread · 6 months ago

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@milk-and-trickery

[ Not me having brain rot over the idea of Mystic Flour getting redeemed.. and trying to help free her friends as well.. AAAA-]

OKAY BUT MYSTIC FLOUR WOULD TOTALLY DO THAT IF SHE GETS REDEEM! SHE WANTS HER FRIEND BACK AND NOT THEM TO BE CORRUPTED.

She misses them so much and don't want them to cause chaos on Earthbread. Thus, she will do everything in her power to save them + free them from the corruption as well as help the ancient heroes with their mission.

#out of dough | ooc |#milkandtrickery #I can also imagine that the other Beasts would be upset #If Mystic Flour goes on her redeem arc #Just “What DID YOU DO TO HER? YOU RUINED HER!”#“SHE'S NOT MEANT TO BE LIKE HER PAST SELF!”#Okay but I can also imagine the Beasts trying to drag her back to the darkness #Although she is the Virtue of Volition so it's going to be a pain to break her ahahahaha

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anmaries · 9 months ago

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#throws up #she's always like this she's always so adamant on being the one to throw herself in the line of danger #it was much worse when she was younger and starting out inthe x-men but #it's still there!!#this need to suffer and sacrifice herself!#to prove that she can be good!#but not only that but because she still does not believe her life is necessary #why do u think she's so upset when wanda does her no more mutants things #partly because she STILL has her powers #she still is unable to touch #she still has to live with the fact that every day she has to exert massive energy to controlling herself #to make sure if she does touch it's only what's needed in the moment #being her is exhausting its tiring #having to inhibit a sense #just so that others can be around you #she's extremely dangerous and she's extremely guilt ridden #AND THIS LIKE SCOTT IS TALKING ABOUT SENDING A TEAM #and rogue is like no i'll do it by myself only i should risk my life because who actually cares im not even real #still so hung up on her past self and constantly trying to atone for it #and it's not even self sacrificial in a glory way she just genuinely doesn't care about herself that much

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wild-at-mind · 10 months ago

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I wonder if I could develop a fetish for being the sheltered loser kid who needs to be taught to live a little in a teen movie.

#this is what i get for looking at a forced masc tumblr #just wondered if i can have ANY fun with this weird trigger that i have #because as if often the case what triggers you/upsets you also has the potential to arouse you...maybe idk #truth is the above scenario actually is a trigger of mine. the idea of being shamed for being sheltered #and a prude who is seen as judgemental of others so needs to be fucking destroyed in an unsafe way #like i'm not even that sheltered on the scale of shelteredness! i wasn't raised fundie or anything.#but still i kind of self identify with the loser who 'needs to live a little'- i watch anything with that trope and i'm always like #'god leave them be' you know?!#i think the principle comes from the idea that anyone not partaking must be judging #(i get that because i also feel judged constantly for no reason but it's not something i can force others to change about)#recently a netflix comedy-drama called white lines was the trigger for this- i recommend it overall but there were a few too many moments #another thing is the main character constantly having to prove she had 'had fun' in the past to be worthy and valid #it's a good drama i'm not exactly selling it but yeah watch it just beware of this if it's a trigger for you too.#anyway fuck me can i get one good brain day around here.

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valandherweekofwonders · 4 months ago

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i deep cleaned like 90% of my bedroom today, something i've been wanting to do for years. so exhausting and took the entire day but i am so proud of myself and so satisfied with what i was able to accomplish.

#it started with a desire to rearrange my paintings then to get rid of one thing and then suddenly i was dedicated to an entire operation #got rid of nearly everything i just wanted to feel a fresh start bc so much of the stuff was connected to upsetting feelings and times #and i really don't need that #can't believe this took me years to finally do but i'm so glad i did :)#my space feels breathable and more aligned with who i am right now like i killed a past self that's been haunting me this whole time #val speaks

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seventh-district · 8 months ago

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not even gonna tag this properly bc i don't wanna get Involved but i do have some Thoughts i need to get out into the void so here we go

(aaa quick edit: CW for mention/discussion of Boothill leaks)

#today's gone Badly and i'm upset but instead of venting abt it i'm gonna channel that energy into doing a bit of tag rambling abt Boothill #well. less abt Him and more abt uh. self-analyzing my anxiety surrounding contributing to fandoms. he's just today's catalyst #like. i know it's mostly a me thing. i'm hypersensitive to criticism and very conflict avoidant + socially anxious + perfectionistic etc.#so I'm the one that keeps myself from posting more stuff out of fear of being criticized or called-out for what i've made #bc inevitably Someone's gonna see it and think its OOC or a problematic take or they'll misread my intent. etc etc what have you #but like. that's inevitable. there's no way to communicate every single thing with all of the nuance required to avoid misunderstandings #and other times it's not a misunderstanding it's just a difference of opinions and that's Fine!! there's no accounting for personal taste #there's no accounting for several things actually. taste‚ bias‚ lore-knowledge‚ differing levels of chronic-online-ness‚ etc #so this isn't me complaining abt the state of fandom culture (although i do think. sometimes. ppl take shit a bit too seriously)#but anyways all of this is mostly just anxiety-fueled. it's not like i very often actually even receive negative feedback or anything #if anything ppl tend to tell me that i'm overthinking it and killing my own fun and worried that my stuff is more OOC than it is #which like. yeah. Yeah u right :) but that's just the way that i am! always losing the idgaf war i suppose #anyways what's Boothill got to do w this ur wondering. well. i've been thinking abt the quickly emerging concept that he's illiterate.#and it just. has me feeling a lot of ways. and watching ppl disagree over it has me feeling some Bad ways. bc it's def a loaded topic!#if you'll pardon the pun there. and i don't rlly have anything new to add other than that i'm conflicted abt it.#like yeah i saw the leaks days ago. of him mentioning 'not hitting the books' much as a child when we ask him why he sends voice messages #or voice Transcriptions ig. ykwim. and like. *braces for impact* ...i liked it? like. it doesn't feel right to call it endearing #i'm not trying to infantilize him. ok that's not the right word either but ugh. you know? what i mean?? who am i kidding even i don't know #it's not quite right to say that it feels like Representation either. but it's something close i guess #as a southern person myself who didn't receive a 'complete' education due to factors that weren't to do with my intelligence #the concept of seeing him as a capable force to be reckoned with and respected who also happens to have not received much formal education #i like that. i do. but there's so many issues w it at the same time. like. as i said‚ being southern myself has me Wary of the way Hoyo is-#writing him. as well as of the way that the fandom is taking the bits of his lore and running away w them. and i'm Very aware of how ppl-#will see a southern character and be All Too Eager to agree that they're lacking intelligence based on our Redneck™ stereotype #sigh. and before we even go too far with this. it's not even confirmed that hes completely illiterate. which is a valid criticism i've seen #there's Multiple reasons that could make him prefer voice to text. but regardless. i'm just worried that ppl will misconstrue my intentions #like. example: that edit i made the other day of him saying 'no thanks i can't read'. wasn't me playing into the stereotype of-#'haha dumb country boy can't read!' it was. in my eyes. something he'd say as a joke to make light of a potential insecurity #like. i think there's far more depth to Boothill's character if ppl could look past the surface. and i dont wanna contribute to the problem #but sometimes ppl Will have stereotypical traits and i wish the same could apply to characters as long as it's done Thoughtfully.

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jrueships · 2 years ago

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BTW this is not to anyone, it's just a general i wanna just say Thang, calling people BUT MEN ESPECIALLY 'mother' or like 'my wife' my girlfriend u know u know. im not sayin the spicier examples.

does NOT , listen, N O T A L W A Y S mean

THEY ARE A BOTTOM!!!!!!!!! (The kind of bottom I'm talking about is the simplified, singular watered down version usually straight (eerily) young people love to throw away as an 'insult'. Which just emphasizes what im intending here.)

that perpetuates an already problematic perpetuated mindset THAT CAN NOT JUST BE 'AUTOMATICALLY EXCLUDED' just because IT ISN'T BEING USED IN THE CONTEXT IT ORIGINATED FROM. Serge ibaka is mother. DeMar is mother. But they also be bangin out bratty ass mfs on a daily basis like the shit is clockwork. Both can be done. that is all i wanted to get out there. ty. gootbye

#reminder people be gay and misogynistic like.#making only one thing ur entire personality is not good when everyone is meant to be multi-faceted #like as much as the brain might try and simplify things for it to help make some sense....#like being born and not rlly knowing where everything is in the body or whats it #...stuff knows. like. YOU might not know.. but you do.#and u dont #at the same time #if yall can have both on a matter that is so fuckin complex #yall can have both on a subject as stupid as the nickname #which yes is stupid sounding but ALSO yes deserves respect because words have meaning and meaning has power #as 'fun' or weird as they may sound to people who might not be as familiar with the meanings (COUGH at 'tiktok' AAVE..)#babygirl does not ALWAYS only mean!!! BTTM!! SO IT SHOULD NOT ALWAYS BE USED AS THAT #brat as well #like let things have personalityy.. let abstract things be abstract!!#ESP if ure gonna have to put it out into the world where it exists way wider than outside ur understanding #i get needing to simplify things. trust me im stupid. but when it's going past the self as this very cut down singular thing..#it's might not have the reaction u prepared urself for n then upsets happen #ANYWAYSS #people do NOT have to be PATHETIC to be a bottom like. cmon now. is this shit ancient rome or smthin THIS IS BACKWARDS THINKIN IN THE #be open to understanding theres a more to things. that doesnt mean know everything #know that u cant know everything!! know theres probably more than one peculiar to things! just be aware! be open n also be careful #yall can have BOTHHHHH !!!! yall can have MOREEEE!!! why yall goin hungry when a FEAST is UPON YOU??#dom m*mmies.. power bttms.. dom bttms (boms lol) ETCETC!!! tops can have personality too!! besides SEXY or D*DDY like.#IT'S SO SILLY HAVING TO SAY THIS bcs it ISSSSS but it needs to be KNOWN !! it just goes to show how vast the emphasis on more meaning is #cus if i can say this much on some silly soundin shit... imagine when i speak on sumn serious

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snootlestheangel · 5 months ago

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Drowning out my feelings with Dr. Pepper, falling back in love with Silence is Golden But Consequences Are Red, and thoughts of Mother Hen Wolf Shifter!Ghost

*rant in the tags if y'all want*

#i have been having entirely too many feelings lately #and not a time nor place to cope #I have been having far too many conversations about the future and it's starting to make me freak out #this aquarium trip was supposed to help me answer the questions I had about what schooling/degree I would need to be an aquarist #all it did though was make me realize that being an aquarist may not actually be right for me #which now means I don't know what I would be going back to school for #which sucks absolute ass because I miss being a student. I miss that freedom and I miss learning #i miss being a college student so badly actually and I honestly regret dropping out. Like I did before but now #I always told myself it was for the best cause it's better than failing a semester and tanking my GPA #but now I've been stuck in this horrible depressive cycle and feeling so fucking burntout I can barely function half the time #now I don't have any time or energy to do things I love let alone do some self learning #I currently don't see any point in going back to school cause I don't even know what I would go back for and it's fucking scary #all of my siblings have had major things happen and are progressing on with their lives #and like I get i'm barely even in my twenties and I shouldn't be panicking this badly about my life #I feel like half of my troubles are self inflicted even though they're really truly not #but I can't help but feel I've doomed myself and my motor functioning is worsening #my executive functioning is down the fucking toilet and I can't fucking fix it and it's upsetting me #but god i just had a birthday this past week and about three years ago when I started college #I really believed I'd be in a much different place at this age than I am now #and it's scary it's fucking terrifying and I don't know what the fuck I'm doing and all I am doing is spiraling really badly

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