#so this 8 months is my EXERCISE 8 months
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RIGHT so yesterday marked 8 months worth of days exercising (240 days) and these are my stats
#diary#yesterday i made sure to do what i could to round up now that im doing solid -0 ending amounts#like 30 or 50 or 100 u know what i mean#planks are in minutes & the walk/bike is in miles#walks dont include like 120mi bc ive included like ‘hit 10k steps’ which generally equates to 5 miles bc like when i was in caba …. girl …..#i did like 100mi worth of walking im not kidding SADLAKSJDLKAJSLDAJSDA#but its just like counted 0:no 1:yes filter out the no so its only the yes but i also log like#how much ive sex so like it says ‘cardio’ but i didnt put it in the pivot table but SLKDJALSKDJALKJDALJDJLSJ#its also in there so its necessary that the counted/uncounted be able to be seperated bc somedays i didnt exercise but i did have sex#but also somedays i did both#so idk#but also like when i helped my bestie move that was like 10.5k steps but its uncounted bc i didnt exercise but i still have it in there as#5mi but its not in the 15 shown bc its uncounted#like this is all filtered#‘all filtered’ its filtering out the uncounted days so its showing 240 of idk like i think its like 270-ish days logged#like if i didnt do anything then it was just a skip day and unlogged#like my CALENDAR YEAR will be march 30 so a calendar year since i BEGAN exercising but my EXERCISE YEAR will be like maybe a month later#like i think end of april will make 365 days i have exercised#so this 8 months is my EXERCISE 8 months#ok yes crunches … signifigantly more than anything else bc i’ll go for a bike ride then do 200 lmao#like my ROUTINE currently is 5mi bike then 200 crunch or sit up or whatever#but then when i dont bike i split it into everything else
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feeling the angst today. my dad was like “try ketamine therapy” again yesterday and i’m like. in order to do that i’d have to get off All my medications. and in order to do that safely, it could take months. during which i would be basically nonfunctional. so do you want me to do that or do you want me to get a new job. cuz it’s one or the other.
#i’m so sick of feeling so sick. i get it. everyone is fed up with me. everyone is over it. so am i.#but you can’t just throw suggestions Like That at me#and then not offer me the support necessary to make it happen.#like. it’s the same fucking thing that happens with Exercise and Physical Health.#where everyone says ‘go to physical therapy! or get a well-educated personal trainer!’#and then i’m like okay. i can’t afford that and even if i could i don’t have the time & energy while working 8 hours a day.#so what do you Actually want me to do.#i’m so fucking frustrated. i miss my therapist.#my stepmom keeps being like ‘do you want to go back to therapy’ and i’m like ‘it wouldn’t fix me but it would help’#and then no one offers to help me pay for it.#even though they spend. yk. $4000 a month to keep their boat in the marina#if i need $300 a month to go to therapy. well. that’s asking a lot.#izzy.txt
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i got a good grade in PT today AND i'm cleared to walk as far as i want as long as i do it on mostly-level ground :D
#pt tag#autoimmune tag#exercise tag#highlights: still scoring severely disabled but the level of disability has dropped 8% in two weeks#which according to my PT is Above And Beyond where i should be#hip strength remains SHOT so a lot of uphill walking is a no-no. adding more exercises to fix this though#i'm unlikely to graduate PT the same way i would for an injury (at least not anytime soon) since i have a chronic degenerative illness#BUT i can work toward a goal of only needing to check in every one or two months re: whether i'm doing okay.#once again i am.... so fucking blessed to have a jock's metabolism. this body sucks but is also so resilient#YAY. I GOT UP EARLY SO IT'S NICE THAT THE APPOINTMENT DIDN'T SUCK
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how can i convince the school psychiatrist to give me more antidepressants
#i have 3 pills left from 8 months ago i keep saving them for just incase#as if 3 pills is gonna do anything#yeah idk i was prescribed them by the school gp then i saw the psych a week later and he told me#meds arent the solution to everything (ok true) you have to make changes yourself as well (ok true)#anyway i dont think your depression is the main problem so just keep taking adhd meds i think if u fix the adhd your depression will go away#(???). then he also told me to touch more grass and get sun light and exercise#then told me to stop taking my antidepressants#so i dont have anymore#(?) help?#i touched grass today so why do i still want to kill myself. chat explain
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me: yeah no i have depression and anxiety but they’re fairly well controlled idk why i’m having such a hard time all the time maybe it’s my own fault i just have to figure out how to do everything right while i have time to do it
me: *sees graphic on facebook*
me: holy shit. it’s ocd. that’s it.
…..
why am i so DUMB
#bro when i tell you this is exactly what keeps happening in my brain with the job#this is why! this is why i can be a great employee and deal with everything that would normally bother me without a peep!#this is why i can be absolutely perfect in job performance but i can only take it so long!#this is why quitting is absolute agony meticulously planned out 8 months in advance!#& it’s how i think about jobs careers food exercise purchasing decisions savings life direction everything!#well. at least i know now.#lmao i texted my therapist and she’s like ‘uhhh yeah’
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Am I weird for trying out a new sport when I’m 22 years old?
#it’s badminton#I tried playing when I was like 8 because my brother played but I didn’t continue#but I’ve always thought badminton is kinda fun#so I showed up to badminton practice in my small town two weeks ago. a beginner’s group. and there were only children there 😭#so I feel really weird and dorky being there#but I just wanna get some regular exercise in my life rn. just going to a place a certain time every week#I go out for runs on my own but that’s hard to do during the subarctic winter. and it’s hard to find a routine during the snow-free months#I never found a sport that I liked when I was younger. I used to have so much anxiety about going to practice so I usually quit after a yea#but my mom made me feel really bad about not having a sport to practice so I’d try a new sport after quitting the previous one. and so on#now that im an adult it’s different tho. it’s on my terms. I’m choosing to do something because I want to#not because my mom is guilting me into doing it#but I still feel weird#and in 9 months I’m probably gonna move to a new city#so it’s like. again I’m trying out a sport and leaving after a year or less lol#but I need the exercise!!!#oh well#personal
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fun fact once youve worked at a daycare/preschool the instincts it gives you never leave. i hear a baby crying and my brain muscle memories me into standing up until i can stop and remind myself that most people understandably do not want a stranger to walk over and pick up and soothe their infant. not my job anymore.
#one time like 15 mins after a 8 hr shift i was in my fav clothing store and a baby an aisle over began to sob and i walked over#and just stood beside the pram and stared at the baby while the cogs turned in my brain and the mother was like ''????'' until i went#''i worked at a early childhood center for 8 hours today im so sorry'' and she was like '' OH LMAO its fine hes been fussy all day#i'd apprecaite any help'' and so i just stood there and talked to the baby for 5 minutes#and the shock of having a new face hovering over him exercising his legs made him stop crying and stare#similarly i spent 30 minutes playing with a 8 month old exercising his arms and legs and tickling his tummy and talking#while his poor exhausted mother who was trying to fill out citizenship forms at the library got a moments peace#she vented that she'd just moved over with her husband and he was working all the time so it was just her and bubs here#in this strange new country. and thats a lot for a new mum not having extra family around to help. i remember she asked if i would be up#to babysit for pay and i reffered her to one of my old coworkers i really hope she found someone#that baby was so cute but SO LOUD he was VERY active for his age lots of kicking and squirming and endless energy#little mans is going to be a terror when he reaches his twos
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#im in so much fuckin pain i cant move ugh#like. typing this is excruciating#but i cant just stare at the wall or im gonna lose it eventually ugh#my pain is getring progressively worse these days and the last 2 months have been hell#doctors r worried this might be my new normal for the time being#which. uh#SUCKS#bc i cannot stand or walk for more than 5 mins#and i need a walker w me bc my cane isnt enough#and most days i am trapped in bed (or on the couch if i can make it there) unable to take care of myself#bc everything hurts and i feel like i'm being tortured#oh and my lordosis & the related pain is now at a level that might need serious medical intervention#my migraines r out of control#my joint problems r also way worse#and u kno what ? i would like to die now#thanks#truly and genuinely#im so done#i cant keep going this way#my doctor has no idea what to do#and the pain clinic im a patient of refuses to help further unless i sign up for their ridiculous pain education program#which is 8 weeks long with mandatory in-person weekly attendance (i do not live near it & cant afford transportation)#where they tell u all the ways ur pain is ur own fault and give u unrealistic and ridiculous advice abt exercise and lifestyle changes#that u Cannot do bc of said disabilites and pain#jfc#our healthcare system is broken and nobody cares if i live or die or suffer#AND im stuck dealing w my mother complaining abt my existence nonstop bc she resents me for the things i cannot do independently#so u kno what ya i am done. im so done. i give up#catch me rotting in this bed forever until i die. thats the only option being given to me
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this feels so insanely weird
#my brother is switching to night shift at his job which is awesome bc he’ll finally have a set schedule w the same hours/pay instead of#being called in at who knows when#however this means i have to keep quiet all day and i already do ALL the housework so idk how im going to accomplish that#i cant just switch my schedule to his bc i have my own work during the day#OUGJHHHHHOUGH it’s also lowkey triggering bc my father worked night shift basically my whole life#and i remember what an actual fucking horror that was. probably 75% due to it being Him but id be lying if i said my brother does not share#well. many traits with the guy#i am so terrified he’s going to be angrier and dear god i do not want to go down that path#we still fight sometimes but it’s been WAY better the past few months#and if it dissolves into physicality like it had been im actually going to snap LOL#especially bc he’s said he’s been depressed lately which god do i understand however he does not handle it in a positive/safe manner#whatsoever it just turns into anger for him and then he takes it out on everybody#so while he has a more set schedule i deeply fear it’s still going to effect that especially with the change being SO sudden and not gradual#at all. he went in for a meeting yesterday to confirm and his new schedule starts TONIGHT#im so on edge it’s insane lol#despite actually doing pretty decently right now like my baseline is the best it’s been in months#tell me why ive been taking my meds so extremely sporadically (basically only when i start to get withdrawal symptoms) and yet i feel 10x#better than when i took them every day. my edginess has nothing to do w it i was fine before all this happened and even so im like. oddly#calm abt it#i want to go off them entirely just to see how i feel but the withdrawal after having been on them for god what? 6 7 years now? is HORRIFIC#i think a lot of the improvementing in mood is mostly getting out of the house more/socialization/exercise tho tbf#once again i just hope i dont hit a wall and burn out i think i may kms if that happens which is why im taking it as slow as i realistically#can. i cannot wait to have a proper paying job tho i think it wld be immensely good for me. SOMEONE HIRE ME YOU BITCHES#anyway packers game at 8. yippeeeeeee#im so bored rn tho i NEED to clean bc day off but alas. i cannot. so im just sitting on me ass. ough#im just yapping at this point. pray 4 me thanks.
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Me: owwwwie my foot hurtsssss
The physiotherapist: ok now move it dumbass
#so sad#aaaaaaanyways ive finally gone to the doctors to ask for the ankle and the toe and lo and behold i am fucken#ok no byt srsly the ankle sprain is no biggie and i have to so some conditioning but nothing too out of the ordinary#the toe injury was the big deal lol#the doctor amazed that i hadnt seen a professional back in november and still had pain#weeeeel eXCUSE YOU but someone had covid right after and is also a master procrastinator wdym i shouldve come sooner#so anyways he said i gotta do laser treatment for the toe lol#and also that the joint is now unstable#big fucking whoop#so by the by today i bumped into the physiotherapist and he told me some exercises i should be doing and oooooh boy i dont want to do them#8 months of not fucking even slightly with my toe joint left me a sliiiiight bias about *not* fucking with the toe joint rip#fucking figure#for anyone wondering: i fucked up my big toe joint back in october/november and ive been unable since to bear heavy loads on that foot cause#the first big toe joint got fucked#so i havent been idk jumping or doing cardio or bearing weights on it etc#so basically anything where i have to put too much weight on the toes-to-foot joints#and now he says i gotta#so brb imma go kill my foot on medical avice ugh
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I know the world is cruel because I finally wanna draw again and yet I am forced to pack :(
#I’m actually looking forward to this summer which is wild#okay I mean like. I’m home for half and then back here for half for internship#8 weeks is a very nice amount of time to be doing smth that you’re kinda looking forward to but nervous about bc it’s long but not That long#I can put up with shit for 8 weeks on either side#but I have plans!! I have volunteering and coding my supervisor sent me to deal with while I’m home#and I NEED the break so bad oh my god#and then back for internship is only 4 days a week so I’ll get a good chunk of free time#I wanna get into Actual Exercise which I’ll be able to do hopefully when I’m back and then can see how that works for when uni starts again#bc my friend has offered to help me w stuff which is cool as hell of him#and the internship is smth not directly science so it’s a test run for Doing Other Stuff#which I’m rlly looking forward to actually? I need to know what Else is out there and I think I’ll actually really enjoy this#I have a feeling this summer is going to be a time of Figuring Shit Out bc I mean. for a start there’s a lot I gotta start figuring out#but also will be hopefully some of the least stressful few months I’ve had in forever#like I get to go home and not deal with any major school pressure. and then come back and have regular schedule#which returns me to being a person while doing smth interesting AND not dealing with home stuff#yknow it’s kinda wild actually but now that I have a task (packing) I’m feeling a little more like a person. but that might also be the#actually talking to my friends more recently/going outside. who can tell. man I always forget how much I need physical stuff#thoughts are a little disjointed here bc this draft decided to disappear and reappear 3 hours later but! I’m actually feeling decent now#which is messed up I’ve never been okay about going home for summer before. still wanna draw though. maybe tonight if I have time#oh man I get results for bachelors in like 2 weeks. that’s a slight damper. but the hardest part of my degree is done now#the next year of my life should be nicer!! at the very least the next few months will probably be pretty nice or at least manageable so!#beating the lingering grip of depression back with a stick we’re DONE with that now thank you#luke.txt
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my cat's surgery is scheduled and the recovery will be. pretty intense
#i have to do little physical therapy exercises with him three times a day#which. fine? i can do that#but he has to be confined to a small area where he cannot run or jump for 3 whole months#and that shit is going to be ROUGH#a week? sucks but i could handle it#THREE MONTHS?? of my little boy not being able to move and having to be in a cone?#i've spent the last 6 days like. paralyzed because I'm just WAITING#waiting and watching him in pain!!!!!#first i was waiting for the vet apt now im waiting for the surgery#and after that itll be 3 months of waiting for him to recover#maybe its the looming dread of how ALL of my routines will be out the fucking window#and i have so much shit to do the next few weeks#the body must survive to care for my cat (and it will) but the mind will tap out early i think#3 months of cold compresses and warm compresses and physical therapy and 2 weeks of cone and 8 weeks of limited mobility#and i have two finals due next week that i haven't even started uwu#i mean maybe thats good?#i can work on those on my laptop sitting in his little cage maybe#:(#at least my parents are paying for the surgery. i have to remember that#i am still on track to graduate. i can still get the goddamn hell out of here eventually#but i have been so nervous for the past week i can literally feel the cortisol in my bloodstream#(thats an exaggeration i know that isnt how stress or cortisol works)#he's going to have a nakey leg. like a rotisserie chicken#oughhgh i feel the anxiety eating me like bugs!!!!!!!#the deep breathing isn't working batman. or whatever that reference is
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I did get close to this when I went to the Lollapalooza but it was just one day so the happiness felt fleeting at the moment and I feel like if I'd gone all three days I would've gotten here sooner BUT it was too expensive and I got here anyway so w/e idec im sooooooo functional agajn bitch im at my PEAK
#fuck being depressed im sooooo over that for like 8 months AT LEAST#gonna make those THE MOST MONTHS of all months ever#gonna fuck so much bitch#gonna make SO MANY FRIENDS#gonna earn MONEY#gonna DO EXERCISE and gonna WASTE MONEY and gonna USE THE FACT I'M HOT#gonna DRESS WELL#bitch I'm doing so mcuh stuff#GONNA GET SO DRUNK YOU WON'T BELIEVE IT#gonna do drugs again oh drugs how I've missed you#(i don't do drugs when I'm depressed bc I'm not a real person when I'm depressed)#gonna WORK FOR REAL#gonna IR DE MOCHILERO POR TODA ARGENTINA#actually I'm not sure I will but I might I'm thinking about it long term (a year or two tops)#i wanna do some other stuff first around here but y'know#anyway I'm writing all this so tomorrow i read it and start doing shit#i knkw i will bc I'm no longer depressed I've got Plans#so yeah fuck yes fuck yes im so happy#tumblr be happy for me#or not idc but it'd be nice of u😙#i do love tumblr it's got all my mutuals in it#i love you tumbkr mutuals you make me very happy when I'm sad i hope i do the same for u
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I go back to work tomorrow after 6 weeks medical leave 👁👁
#hurggghggggh#we'll see how that goes ig. i mean i have absolute minimum 4 months more of occupational therapy#bc that's how long the in person appointments are scheduled through. and i'm supposed to do like 4 hours per day of exercises#so i think sitting at my desk for 8 hours might mean i don't have a whole lot of hours at all lol#oisín.txt
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Might need to end my boxing gym membership 😔
#I'm just doing some budgeting and like#I'm only able to go like 8 times a month now because i live so far away now#and I'm spending more money on gas and rent than i was when i started there#and outside of bills and all groceries and all that one of my biggest monthly expenses#is this gym#which sucks because i do enjoy it#and it's good exercise for me#hrm.....
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(sorry in advance for the more personal ask, you're the most intelligent person i know of when it comes to these things)
genuinely, how are we supposed to find the strength to go on? it feels like capitalism has won. only a few decades ago my country was openly and proudly socialist, and now we're nothing but an american military base with an economy. everything's been privatised, the unions are broken, the people are starving, and we keep voting for more of this! people are gleefully begging for yet more exploitation! sometimes it feels there's not a drop of class consciousness to be found in the entire country, and that it's pointless to even hope for change. how can i stay sane?
The class struggle is not a team sport which either side can win or lose. It is a historical and economic process, one that's inevitable. As long as capitalism exists, there will be a social majority of workers it must exploit, alienation will still happen, and a portion of these workers will be aware of this fact. The class struggle is also a long process, one that, most of the time, is imperceptible to the individual in physical and time scale. Only sometimes, it accelerates to dizzying speeds and the conditions necessary for taking power are met. We can talk about victories and defeats, but we can't lose sight of the fact that those "only" are points in time, momentaneous advances or retreats in the process that is the class struggle, but they never mean the paralization of this process.
We can only really talk about the bourgeoisie taking power and creating the first properly capitalist states in the late 18th century and early 19th, but the bourgeoisie had lead or taken part in attempts at or glimpes of revolution as far back as the early 16th century. The bourgeoisie never really had an unifying theory of the class struggle, most were never really fully conscious of it. But they still eventually took power, once the development of the national economies advanced so far that it forced the replacement of the feudal mode of production, the bourgeois revolutions became inevitable. Marx and Engels only ever saw one real attempt at the proletariat taking power, in the Paris Commune of 1871, but it only ever lasted a few months. They both were long dead when the first actually (relatively) long-lasting instance of the proletariat in power broke the oppressor classes' veneer of invincibility.
When Marxists talk of inevitability it is not in a conspiratorial manner, or an expression of satisfied optimism, we never mean that "one day the capitalists will get what's coming to them", in a vague way. We mean that, only if communists continue to work towards the revolutionary organization of our class, is a complete overthrow of capitalism inevitable. We should all do an exercise is historical perspective when it comes to analyzing progress, take the Marx and Engels example from the previous paragraph, they never got to see an effective application of their theories. Class consciousness will fluctuate continuously, it always has. The bolshevik party in 1913 had nothing to do with the party that lead the October Revolution, and 8 years after the defeat of the 1905 revolution, I bet many felt like their work was hopeless. My point is that, while the borders of the Communist Party may shrink, grow, or even disappear, and while we might be savagely oppressed, no system of oppression has ever lasted forever.
When it comes to revolutions, there are objective and subjective conditions. The objective we can never control; it's the stability of capitalism, the characteristics of its suprastructure, if there is a crisis or not. The subjective is what's under our control; our own work as communists, the state of the revolutionary party, the degree of influence of communists at the core of the working class. These two sets of conditions interact with one another, with the objective conditions influencing the possibility of development of the subjective conditions much more than the reverse. What makes you hopeless is in part the objective conditions. Capitalism is quite stable right now (though not as much as it ever seems), and, for now, we can't do much about it, because the subjective conditions, the other part of your homelessness, are also very delayed. But these we do have control over, at first very little, but as they improve, the control we have over them also increases. Essentially, friend, all we can do is prepare our class, do our best to gain more workers to our cause, bit by bit, so that once capitalism shows one of its cracks, we can be ready to pry those cracks open and bust the whole system. The Russian soldiers in WW1 were already discontent when the bolsheviks began to agitate up to the trenches, Mao's guerrillas grew to an army taking advantage of the deep fragmentation China suffered throughout the first half of the century, etc.
Once again, class struggle is not a straight line that we move in two directions. It is a complex space. The overthrow of the USSR was a very profound blow to revolutionary organizations all around the world, of course, but the state of communism in general in 1995 was still in a much better position than it was merely 90 years prior. Every defeat also sharpens the tactics and strategies we use. Eastern Europe (where I assume you're from) did use to be socialist, and those worker's states were overthrown. But you are still in a better position than a communist in the interwar period, facing borderline fascistic dictatorship and a future of Nazi-Fascist occupation. They did not have any precedent or much practical experience to learn from, but you do. Every day that we delay work, even in the most hopeless of contexts, is a day more that our grandchildren will have to bear in capitalism, and a day more they're deprived of true freedom and self-government
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