#lmao i texted my therapist and she’s like ‘uhhh yeah’

[autumnhobbit]

me: yeah no i have depression and anxiety but they’re fairly well controlled idk why i’m having such a hard time all the time maybe it’s my own fault i just have to figure out how to do everything right while i have time to do it

me: *sees graphic on facebook*

me: holy shit. it’s ocd. that’s it.

…..

why am i so DUMB

[d2myg]

50 questions tag

tagged by @rysiowate thank u darling!

1. What takes up too much of your time? my hyperfixations and constantly updating all my online accounts and personas

2. What makes your day better? when i feel like ive accomplished something in a day; also, getting to go to bed after a long day

3. What’s the best thing to happen to you today? i made really good tofu fried rice

4. What fictional place would you like to go to? the shire. just wanna live in a tiny hobbit house and eat and read

5. Are you good at giving advice? depends what it is about. and also, im better at getting my points across via text, so im useless at advice irl

6. Do you have any mental illness? anxiety and depression, im pretty i have some kind of executive dysfunction and maybe dependent personality disorder, but these two are just my assumptions. who knows really im broke and too anxious to go a therapist to get diagnosed lmao

7. Have you ever experienced sleep paralysis? no thank god it sounds terrifying

8. What musician inspired you the most? even though i’m not an active stan anymore i’m gonna say bts because they’re the artists i’ve stanned the longest for and grew most attached to. i think they helped me develop as a person and they’ve been there for me in tough times. but also queen, because in freddie mercury i found a queer icon and role model which is very important for me

9. Have you ever fallen in love? i thought i was in love once but looking back, maybe not

10. What’s your dream date? i think this dream date business is bullshit. as long as im with the person i like, we could be doing literally anything and id still be like yeah this is a good day. like running errands or going grocery shopping or just lying in bed.

11. What do others notice about you?

idk probably my self-deprecating humour. also i if im wearing makeup that almost always gets commented on so i guess that

12. What is an annoying habit you have? just one? lmao uhhh when im super anxious about something i just shut off and like i cant function until that thing is resolved. my brain is just like ok anxiety time lets lay in bed and cry and nap for the rest of the day. also when im not in the mood to reply to someone’s text i will literally go days without replying not bc i forgot but bc i just.. yeah

13. Do you still talk to your first love? sometimes i check up on her (on her social media) but no we havent talked for almost a year since it ended. but then, was she really my first love. idk.

14. How many exes do you have? one

15. How many songs are in your playlist? i have multiple playlists and i also follow a lot of playlists; all together there must be at least 1k

16. What instruments can you play? acoustic guitar

17. What do you have the most pictures of? travelling, i have folders of pictures since last year that i havent edited yet

18. Where would you like to go before you die? hm. everywhere i havent been yet. id really like to go to canada, also like everywhere in asia

19. What is your zodiac? scorpio

20. Do you relate to it? idk i dont really read horoscopes and idk the like scorpio personality traits or whatever

21. What is happiness to you? being content with myself and what im doing.

22. Are you going through anything right now? final assignments of the semester :)

23. What’s the worst decision you ever made? getting too attached to some people. 

24. What’s your favorite store? record stores are so cool. also there’s this store in brighton that sells prints of stuff like ghibli on tshirts and tote bags. not my favourite, but i like it. i dont think i have a favourite.

25. What’s your opinion on abortion? im pro-choice. i dont think it should be a debate.

26. Do you keep a bucket list? no

27. Do you have a favorite album? sheer heart attack by queen, that shit slaps

28. What do you want for your birthday? honestly not to be shallow but some coins so i can buy myself some stuff ive been wanting to buy but didnt wanna spend money on

29. What are most people’s first impression of you? idk probably that im a bitch or that im intimidating. before i open my mouth to talk. one of my best friends told me they were scared of me when we first met.

30. What age do you seem according to most people? idk i mean no one really questions my age tbh. when i was younger people thought i was older lmao cause i seemed mature or whatever

31. Where do you keep your phone while you’re sleeping? usually on my bed bc i sleep with earphones

32. What word do you say the most? uuuh……. like. when i talk i say like after every 3rd words its annoying

33. What’s the oldest age you would date? 5-6 years probably

34. What’s the youngest age you would date? ½ years max

35. What job/career do most people say would suit you? i dont talk about my career ambitions with anyone lmao it makes me anxious. my mom says i could do personal couching or psychotherapy or whatever.

36. What’s your favorite music genre? classic rock

37. If you could live in any country in the world, where would it be? sweden sounds really nice. hong kong or singapore also

38. What is your current favorite song? hm. the iron man 3 credits soundtrack. slaps. suffragette city by culture club also

39. How long have you had this blog for? uuh i remade very recently

40. What are you excited for? goin home for the summer. also rocketman and spiderman far from home. also!!! i might be going to the rocketman red carpet so

41. Are you a better talker or listener? listener. i dont really like talking about deep stuff

42. What is the last productive thing you did? did some uni work today. actually, did a lot of uni work today

43. What do you want for christmas? go to budapest with my mom weve been planning that

44. What class do you get the best grades in? my best subject in high school was english and in college it was probably psychology

45. On a scale of 1-10, how are you feeling right now? idk 5/6

46. What can you see yourself doing in ten years?

dude i dont even know what ill be doing next year after my ba course ok

47. When did you get your first heartbreak? i dont think i really had one. when i broke up w my gf, its been shit for a while and i just accepted that it wasnt gonna work so it didnt really like hurt

48. What age do you want to get married? marriage is overrated and expensive next

49. What career did you want to have as a child? i wanted to be a vet also but so much med school. ew.

50. What do you crave right now? to dye my hair bc im stressed insert this is fine meme

i also tag @hamkis also @crownedbabes also @funkysapphic, @milmercurios, @freddie-jupiter, @piscesyub, @cactustattoo, @tonyrights

[surveys-at-your-service]

Survey #175

“imagine living like a king someday, a single night without a ghost in the walls.”

Have you ever had a teacher hit on you? Not to my recollection. Have you ever seen your ex’s new partner? If so, what do you think of them? I don't know or care if he currently has one. Do you think you can last in a relationship for 6 months? Done it twice now, it's not difficult if you're picky and serious with who you date. Does anybody know about your sex life other than your partners? Well my mom was somewhat aware of things that were happening. What was the last piece of candy you ate? Good question. I got my tongue re-pierced because of a bar length issue with swelling, and now this one is just shy of long enough to disable me from biting down entirely (they're snake eyes, so across the tip). I'm only just getting back into eating soft things very slowly unless I want pain, so candy's a no. I have to wait no less than three weeks to get a correctly-sized bar, and it's only been just over one aaaahhh. Have you ever been dared to do something you totally regretted? No. Is your room painted or wallpapered? Painted. What is the best kind of pizza in your opinion? I'm an American I stan them meat lovers. Is there something that someone has done to you that you cannot forgive? No. Well actually idk, I still don't know for *sure* if I forgive him. Like I'm completely over it and it no longer affects me, but I could never ever ever ever look at him even remotely the same or even consider trusting him. I don't think that's supposed to happen when you forgive someone. Have you ever broken a plate/bowl? Accidentally by dropping. What is your favorite restaurant? Olive Garden. Has anyone ever drunk called/texted you? I don't think so. Do you know anyone who has a homosexual parent? No. What type of music could this world live without? Pure screamo (no, not as a carpet term for metal). Are any of your pets “overweight”? No. Who’s the last person you cried over? Does myself count? Did the house you grew up in have a fence? Yeah, but not all around. What’s your YouTube channel name? 0zzkat. Who of your FB friends has the cutest toddler(s)? Uhhhh idk. Anastasia's baby girl is pretty cute, I guess. Did you decorate pumpkins this year? No. :/ They were totally gone the day we were gonna get one (the day before Halloween so no, we weren't that surprised lmao). What’s the craziest color you’d dye your hair? More like what color WOULDN'T I dye it? What’s the coolest hobby one of your friends has? Uhhh. Idk. Name a video game you can play over and over again? Shadow of the Colossus. I've beaten it around 30 times. Would be more if I didn't lose the disc, buuut it's actually coming in the mail now! What is something that will make you laugh instantly? Don't show me that fucking Linkin Park "crawling in my crawl" worm video. Name a movie you wouldn’t watch solely based on its name? None come to mind. What’s your dearest souvenir? *shrugs* What was the last strong scent you smelled? Probably coffee bc of Mom. Have you ever been in an unconventional relationship (long distance, polyamorous, same gender, age gap, etc)? If so, what challenges did this relationship present, and were they worth overcoming? Long instance + same-sex simultaneously. Distance is fucking hard when you really want each other's company, especially for emotional support. Being same-sex makes me nervous due to potential violent homophobics, especiiiiaaaally living where I do. I do it regardless, but even just holding hands leaves me worrying some asshole is going to cause a problem. I know my sister's husband isn't at all fond of it either and I'm 99% sure he's why Sara's never met the kids. But anyway, all those things are absolutely worth it. Would you ever consider something like a poly relationship, assuming everyone involved was alright with it? What are some things you think you would or wouldn’t like about it? Absolutely not, because I strictly believe in the exclusiveness of love. What is the most unhealthy relationship (whether friendship or romantic) you’ve ever had? What made it so unhealthy? Do you still talk to each other? Colleen, probably. We are just about the antitheses of each other, yet we were "best friends." We disagreed too frequently, she was drama-ravenous, we kept leaving and coming back, etc. No, we don't talk now, and I refuse to ever do so again as friends. Have you ever been abusive in any way? Were you able to change or make amends, or, in general, what do you think people should do to make amends in that situation? No. I absolutely do not believe in "making amends" with your abuser. Keep them the fuck out of your life. Have you ever forgiven someone for being abusive or allowed someone toxic back into your life? Did this person change for the better or not? Toxic... you mean Colleen? Did it too many times, and no, she didn't. Do you feel like your age matches your emotional development? If not, what age level or maturity level do you feel best represents where you’re at? Part of me says no, another says yes. I guess it depends on the subject. What is one thing about your personality that embarrasses you, but you can’t seem to change it no matter how hard you try? Have other people called you out on this embarrassing thing? Being socially awkward as all hell, and yes. When was the last time you did something “meant” for children? Do you think it’s okay for adults to do these things (ie. watch cartoons, have stuffed animals, dress in cute clothing, etc), or do you think there’s an age beyond which it becomes unacceptable - and if so, why? I was playing Spyro just earlier today lmao. In almost all cases, no. I do believe that something like a full-grown adult playing pretend with dolls or something may be questionable, but even then there's not a real reason I can give you. What was the last thing to “trigger” you (as in, in a true mental health sense, I’m being serious here) and how did you cope with it? What kinds of things do you tend to find triggering? What do you do either avoid or face your triggers? Something PTSD-related, but I can't remember exactly what it was, I guess because I got past it pretty quickly. There are certain songs I should avoid, I canNOT look at the medicine I ODed on, I don't like seeing or being near large knives at all... If you’re diagnosed with anything, do you feel that it accurately represents what you’re experiencing? All of them, yeah. What is a complaint you have about the mental health industry or about the type of treatment you’ve received from a mental health service? Have you ever had any particularly bad therapy experiences? I feel that too many people working in the field care far more about the pay than the people. I can't guarantee a professional truly cared about what I was dealing with until Holly Hill. I've had one particularly horrible psychiatrist that threw diagnoses and pills around like they were nothing (the most ridiculous being ADHD, which I in no way exhibited), and a long-time therapist I had was pretty bad, something I realized only after I started with my current one. She was strict about that "you've got an hour, you're staying an hour, you're leaving no later" shit, and we always ran out of things to talk about so I'd just be sitting there super uncomfortably and numerous times start crying because I felt so awkward, and she'd just take it as a sign that I wasn't telling her something. She drove "and how does that make you feel" and "what're you thinking of" into the goddamn ground. Yeesh, having been a mental health patient for so long, I could really write a novel here. When was the last time you realized you might be the source of a problem and NOT someone else? Hm, idk. I'm so uninvolved with others that that's a hard question to answer. What are some minor physical discomforts that really bug you (eyelash in your eye, a wedgie, rumpled socks, etc)? HAVING THE BOTTOMS OF YOUR PANTS GET WET. I hate chapped lips, too. Do you prefer vertical or horizontal stripes? Horizontal. Have you ever ridden a motorcycle? No. Are you ticklish? YEAH. Have you ever tried to make your own alcohol? No. If you were to join one of the armed forces, which would it be? I wouldn’t. Have you ever been in a submarine? No. Have you ever been in a hot tub or sauna? Only hot tubs. Do you believe there used to be dragons? No. What was your first alcoholic drink? A Mike's hard lemonade. Where did you go on your first ride on an airplane? Idk, I was a baby. What was your first detention for? Too many tardies. Did you ever have a treehouse as a kid? No. Have you ever been on radio? No. How long has your longest ever phone call been? A few hours. What is a meal you eat extremely often? Or do your meals & food choices vary a lot? Ummm I guess some kind of chicken is common? When was the last time you felt unable or unwilling to speak your mind to someone? Idk. What was the last thing you changed your mind about? Uhhhh how am I blanking, I change my mind on things every five minutes. Who was the last friend you saw, and what did you do together? Sara's both my girlfriend but also the only "friend" I ever hang with now even tho we live several states apart lmao. I was there two weeks, so we did an array of stuff. Who tends to show up in your dreams? Do you ever wonder if you appear in anyone else’s dreams? Hell, I barely ever remember my dreams. Jason still shows up maybe ehhhh around or maybe less than once a month, and I have no clue why other than maybe there's some PTSD effects I don't actually detect or something? It's not like I think about him much, so I really don't see why he shows up, but the theme is constant: awkwardness seeing each other again, and he sometimes tries to get back with me (thank FUCKING GOD even in my dreams, I don't). Sara's in some dreams that I remember. Mom, maybe. What is something you wish you could say to someone who is no longer in your life, or something you wish they could know? Nothing. What is something you do to feel better when you’re scared? I'll usually turn to YouTube for a distraction. Who do you feel you can count on the most in life? Is there anyone you wish you could count on more? Mom. What is the strangest book you have ever read? How did you find out about it? Probably Bite Me by idr-who. I actually don't remember. What was the last thing you broke? How about fixed? Another sensor came off the keyboard. :') I dunno about fixed. Is there a sign or symbol that means a lot to you for whatever reason (eg. seeing certain animals or birds, 11:11 or other repeating numbers, syncs, butterflies, hearts in nature, etc)? Butterflies and semicolons. Hence my semicolon butterfly tattoo. Do you have any personal ghost stories or paranormal experiences? Yeah. What do you get complimented on the most? My hair. What is something unusual that you find attractive? why does?????? everyone hate fedoras tbh?????????? What time do you tend to eat your first meal of the day? And your last? BOY this varies so much like fuck. Sometimes I don't eat breakfast at all, sometimes I do right when I get outta bed. Dinner can be at like almost 10:00 with Mom's schedule, or I may have it like five hours earlier. What was the subject of the last video you watched? I'm getting into a horror LPer and I'm binging her Silent Hill playthroughs. How would you describe your overall aesthetic? I like pink but bloody guts and brains are cool 2. What is the most challenging meal you have ever cooked? N/A What was your favorite thing to do as a little kid? Play video/computer games. Have you ever been close to drowning? No. Do you watch any Japanese anime? Not currently, but I've kinda had the urge to pick an interesting one up? Do you have someone who is protective of you (father, brother, etc.)? Mom and Sara above anyone else. Where was the last place you went, that you hadn’t been to before? Uhhhhh good question. I don't exactly go to new places often. Do you have any bad habits you aren’t working on changing? If so, do you ever think you’ll try to break them? I don't believe so off the top of my head? Then again I think everyone has little bad habits they don't try to improve upon, but I can't think of anything serious. When was the last time someone surprised you with their reaction or behaviors? I'm sure something with Mom, but idk what. Are you good at committing to things like Nanowrimo or Inktober? Nope. What is your preferred method of expressing yourself? Writing. Or drawing if I'm in the mood. Have you ever reached out to a crisis center for mental health support? If so, how was the experience? I tried to reach the suicide hotline via their online one-on-one chatroom because I was too afraid to actually call, but I ended up waiting I think 45 minutes before the OD happened. When was the last time you did something you were afraid to do, and how was the outcome? I drove at night and ordered food at a drive-thru myself. It went well. What is one positive thing you believe about yourself? I have a strong sense of right and wrong. What is something you have been through that has made you stronger? Depression as a whole. Other than money, what is something you wish you had more of in your life? Social life, success, and motivation to name a few. Is there anything that you tend to ignore for the sake of your sanity? Sure. Mental health stuff flares up sometimes if I think about some things too deeply. What was the last thing you argued or debated about? Did you eventually agree, or did you have to agree to disagree? Getting rid of Bentley, and neither, really. Mom knows we shouldn't have him for a world of reasons, yet she refuses to try to find a far more suitable home for him or at least talk to Nicole about it (he's her dog, but she doesn't live here), who's never even paid him almost any attention. I could rant about this for hours. What is something you wish was different about your family? THAT WE WERE CLOSER. What is your main struggle or focus in life right now? Getting out of the house/becoming more of a functioning adult. Are you more dramatic or stoic? I'm neither extreme, really, but I'd say I'm much further from stoic. Are you on medication for anything? If so, do you feel like it helps? Have you ever been afraid to take medication or had a particularly bad experience with it? A lot, but the only ones I feel don't work are the ones for my tremors and knees. I was on one med for a while that I was scared to take because it made me vomit (safe to say I wasn't on it long), and even my life-saver med made me sick at first, but I took prescription nausea pills to ride that out as my body adjusted. Do you prefer having long or short nails? Short, but not too short. When was the last time you had an argument with one of your parents? Idr. Do you tend to eat the same few things all the time or do you vary your intake? Would you consider yourself to be a picky eater? Are there any commonly enjoyed foods that you don’t like? I'm picky and definitely have a limited palate. Some foods I can think of for the last question include fried chicken, BBQ, watermelon, tacos, all cheeses but American, aaaand I'm blanking again in an area I should have a book about. Do you have good body image? Do you feel more confident about your body or your personality? What is one thing about yourself about which you do feel particularly confident? Ha, as if, so personality. I like how open-minded I am. How likely are you to compliment other people? How do you react or respond when you receive a compliment? What are your favorite types to receive? It depends on the person, the atmosphere, and my anxiety level. I sometimes fear complimenting people because I don't want someone to be like "um why is she talking to me?"/"is she flirting with me?"/"why did she notice that?", etc. I become so giddy (at the very least internally) when people compliment me because of how my self-esteem is, and I really appreciate them. The compliments that mean most to me are regarding my photography. With how badly I want to be a successful photographer, people seeming to genuinely like what I do has actually made me smile like an idiot and giggle publicly. It just means a lot to me. Describe the last thing you reblogged? How many posts do you tend to reblog during a day? A clip of Mark having a fit over a dog in RDR2. How much I reblog varies greatly; depends on how much I get on Tumblr that day, what I feel like sharing at that moment, what I queue... Have you ever lost your cool at work or somewhere else important? What happened as a result? No. Do you listen to your friends’ advice when they give it to you? Depends. If it's Sara, I usually do. What’s the last kind of soup you ate? Vegetable. Have you ever thought about getting your nose pierced? It is pierced. The most memorable time that you skipped school, what did you do? I don't recall. Did you ever have a favorite teacher in high school? What made them your favorite? Coach Collie. He was very friendly, wise, his sense of humor was great, he cared deeply for his students, was super chill, shared life advice all the time, etc. etc. Can you think of a time when you were really obviously judged by your appearance? What happened? Not that I recall. What’s something your mother told you growing up that you actually listened to? Mind your manners. What are three emotions you experience regularly? Stress, content, but also discontent. What is your favorite Halloween candy? Reese's. Is there anyone who refuses to communicate with you? *shrugs* What was the last lengthy packet you filled out? Something for vocational rehab. Is there something you still can’t do even though you’re an adult or might be expected to do this thing? I don't have a job or drive. When was the last time you congratulated someone? Were you happy for them, indifferent, jealous? When I found out one of my closest high school friends is pregnant. I was obviously happy for her. What would you say is your STRONGEST emotion? Maybe not the most frequent, but the most intense? And what emotion do you feel most weakly, even if you might feel it more often? Anger; envy (but it's not often). Have you ever gone somewhere in your pajamas? What makes this acceptable or unacceptable to you? Plenty times, but it depends on my level of shits given and the location. Honestly wish pjs were more acceptable in public places cuz like why not, you've got clothes on, just don't go around where everyone can totally see your dick, ass, or tits. Other than the usual things like IDs, etc, what do you always carry with you when you go out? My phone. What type of photography do you enjoy looking at? Do you take any photos yourself, and if so, what types of things do you prefer to photograph? LOTS!!!! I particularly love fantasy-styled portraiture or macabre work, and omg give me soft lighting. I'm a sucker for emotive or conceptual portraits and the like. I like to photograph an array of things, but my faves are nature and animals. Have you ever gone out for the Black Friday shopping rush? Did you enjoy it, or not so much? Or, what’s the busiest shopping day you’ve ever experienced? Nope. Busiest shopping day I indirectly experienced was when I worked at GameStop during the holiday season... nope. It's a small store and it was flooded. I hated it. Idk about one where I/my family was the shopper. Do you enjoy reading diaries or stories you wrote from when you were younger, or does it embarrass you? If you’ve kept them, was there a particular reason for hanging on to them so long? No. No. No. NO. I can't stomach going any further back than '15 at the RP forum because fucking cringe. All old stuff like physical journals and such, they're long gone because I never want to see them again lmao. What would you say was your first true hobby? What about your most recently developed one? Hmmm, probably video games were the first things I was *really* deep into. Recently developed... good question. Is there one thing that throws off your mood more than others, whether it be lack of sleep, lack of food, heat/cold, etc? I'M FUCKING /CRANKY/ IF I'M HOT. Serious lack of sleep makes me moodier. What is one common area of life in which you feel you have little to no experience (college, children, marriage, etc)? Work and independence. What kinds of things are you likely to complain about? HEAT. If it's hot to me, you're gonna know. I'll complain if my stomach especially hurts, sometimes with other pain. Do you like to put any extra effort into your food in terms of presentation, or do you prefer to just put it on a plate and eat it as it is, no frills? I don't cook, so. But I'd definitely be the latter. When was the last time you were mean or rude to someone else? How about the last time someone acted that way toward you? I hung up on this insurance agency or whatever they are that call me every other goddamn day. I dunno about the second question. What kinds of things are most likely to make you lose your temper? Have you ever done something regrettable or embarrassing while angry? I fucking dare you to ridicule the mentally ill in front of me. Goddamn dare you. For the second part, not to my recollection. Do you have a large dog? No, both our dogs are medium-sized. If not, are you afraid of them? Not at all. Do your parents know that/if you smoke? I don't. What is the reason you last received money? Mom borrowed some from me so she was paying me back. Is anyone in your family sick? Not to my knowledge. Are you very upfront about things or do you "beat around the bush"? The latter, typically. Do you ever write poetry just to get your feelings out? Not really anymore. Middle and high school? I was all about it. I wrote only one poem this year. How many bones have you broken? None. Whose house did you visit last? My sister Ashley's. Have you ever bought a fragrance by a celeb because you liked who it was? No. Do you have a gazebo at your house? No. What’s your favorite brand of bottled water? Essentia.

[swampgallows]

therapy today went okay but i feel like i talked too much lmfao. i passed out around like 10pm and now im awake again and uhh hmmm ngngngghghhhmhm

also she asked me like “find out what you wanna get out of therapy and then we can set some goals” lmao i wanna GET FIXED 

i dunno if i am actually mentally ill or if it’s just my mom/environment or if i’m neurodivergent somehow or if i need medication or whatever the fuck it is, i just know that it’s not normal to feel okay one day and then have some minor thing happen that catapults me into feeling suicidal. im doing better lately but that’s why i signed up for therapy NOW because i know when im feeling good i get this delusion of like “haha see i never needed it at all :)” and then some little fucking thing happens (or nothing happens) and suddenly i cant get out of bed for three days. i told her that i think it’s more than my environment because even when i was busy at work and even when i was busy and away from home in college i had extremely persistent and severe depression, got into several different overlapping abusive relationships, nearly failed my classes one semester, and then i got hit by a car, was in a wheelchair for 6 months, then had our car hit by a semi immediately afterward. it’s time for new glasses btw lmao as i am still wearing the same pair that got scratched to shit and annihilated in the accident. lmfao The Accident™

this is a pic of them from the night of the accident and the scratches have only gotten worse. id take a new pic but im in bed in the dark and whatever

the therapist seemed impressed with my psychology knowledge which was kind of discomforting, in a way. i guess im just so used to my own situation and people utilizing the internet to learn about their own head cases that i dont consider it novel to have actually done research. also because with my other experiences i felt like doctors would be dismissive of me as if i was trying to one-up them or something, like “well -I- have the degree and YOU dont” like, well yeah, im not sitting here trying to correct you but i am gonna use the terminology im familiar with even if theyre super special SAT words or w/e (like i’m gonna say shit like “comorbid” and “hypnagogic” because that’s the terminology i use all the time to describe these situations... i throw out “5 dollar words” all the time :\) but i think maybe by also having a video/verbal conversation w me that she knows i’m not sitting there meticulously typing up the most fancy schmancy shit i can find, flippin through a thesaurus like a blood elf nobleman vampire’s purple prose or somethin.

i guess what i wanna get out of therapy is uh

1. i dont want to be suicidal, which means 2. i have to build confidence, which means 3. i have to become self-reliant, or more self-reliant than i am.

she suggested, on the grounds of my mom giving me interrogation any time i try to go out on my own (hence me only feeling comfortable to go out when i fucking sneak out of the house or on the VERY rare occasions that she isn’t home) that i have a written list that i either give to her personally or write out and leave for her to read at her leisure of all the answers to her questions: where ive gone, when i’ll be back, what i’m doing, etc. the problem is coming home, though, because then she reads me the riot act of guilt on anything i did. if i go out and get food, it becomes about her. if i go out and do an errand, it becomes about her. everything i do somehow falls back on her. 

i explained to the therapist that even when i was still working—a perfect chance to learn to drive and drive regularly—i took the bus the entire time. but i’d have to be driven TO the bus stop and then take the bus to work, which meant my mom drove me to the bus every day. and my dad would talk about how good it was for MY MOM to have a reason to get up in the morning, and that it’s good for her because it gives her a kind of schedule or obligation to follow. so then like... my schedule now becomes HER schedule. and i martyr my potential independence of driving to work on my own in order to give my mom a sense of purpose. 

so...every day, mom picked me up from the bus stop, just like she had been for all the years i was in school. of course i never went out and did anything after (or before!) work; i never had the freedom. sure i could tell my mom partway through the day if i was staying late or going somewhere else, but my work was also in the middle of a canyon, five miles of nothing in either direction. if i missed the bus home, i wouldnt have another chance to go home for another hour. so having buses come only once an hour and then also having my mom waiting for me at the stop... it was just too much trouble to say like “hm i think i’ll go grab a smoothie before work” or “maybe i’ll hang with my coworkers a bit and go grab dinner with them” or “maybe i’ll start going to the gym after work”. i couldnt make any executive decisions about my own life. i think that restriction of freedom happens for lower income people too, since youre relying on a (notoriously shitty) bus service to get anywhere and you also cant just throw money around that often. i had a little slush fund to treat myself every so often but i didnt have the access to it. 

EVERY day that i was 20 minutes away from the stop i would have to text my mom the name of the stop (imagine, if it were “maple street” or something, my entire text message history with my mom just being “maple” “k” “maple” “k” back and forth for months) in case she had fallen asleep or was doing something, as the bus would sometimes be late or early or whatever. and sometimes i would delay that text on purpose to have the extra time to buy something from one of the fast food places located at my bus stop, then hide it in the bottom of my bag and hope it wasn’t too aromatic that my mom would notice and ask me about it. 

BECAUSE if i bought food on a day she made dinner, she would flagellate herself about it, and if i bought food on a day that she DIDNT make dinner she would flagellate herself about it. it’s HER FAULT because she doesn’t make food enough that i have to go buy my own :((((, so the one time she does cook i’m already getting food because she’s unreliable :((((, and shit like that, instead of like, just because there IS food doesn’t...mean anything!!!!! maybe i just wanted a certain kind of food that day!! But it becomes about her!!!! everything i do hurts her. everything i do. so i just got adjusted to just... not eating, or eating the same things over and over. eventually, when i was still working, i would eat nothing but a muffin until i came home. and if there was food, i would eat it, and if there wasn’t, then i wouldn’t eat. many nights i went to bed without eating even if there WAS food because i was just so fucking tired.

i dunno i kinda lost my train of thought but basically it’s hard to assert myself because i’m not confident because a lot of the time i dont know if im doing something right. it reminds me a lot of the scene in tangled where rapunzel fucks up and something bad happens to her and her mom catches her in the act, and she uses that to reinforce rapunzel’s dependence on her. like obviously my mom isn’t abusive like that but it makes me afraid to fail and even MORE afraid to even try, because i know that if i DO fail--whatever it is--it will just be more evidence for why i should have just asked her or had her do it. and more evidence, to me, of why im worthless and shitty and incapable of doing anything.

like the other day my mom wanted me to follow her in a separate car to a car place to drop off the car she was driving, and then we’d go home together in one car. but she wanted me to do it at 9 in the fucking morning and let me know two days beforehand. i had been going to BED at like 7am at the time so i was already like ‘man this is gonna suck’. but i was still up in the morning and was getting ready to take a shower, iw as on time, but my mom said “i can tell how tired you are and how nervous you are about doing this so you know what dont worry about it. go back to bed.” and it was really shitty for me because YEAH i was super tired and YEAH i didnt feel like i was capable of driving by myself at that moment, like i probably COULD HAVE if it were an emergency, but my mom talked about doing all this shit afterward like going on a shopping trip and stuff and BASICALLY it’s less that i was afraid of the driving but more that i knew the errand wouldn’t end there. and i had gotten zero sleep and just didnt wanna fucking do it, i didnt wanna have a “girl time :)” outing with my mom, and i knew i’d basically get trapped into hanging out with my mom if i went. so i stayed home. but then that’s also a blow to me because stupid fucking worthless idiot that i am cant even drive ten miles in a fucking car, or whatever, useless leech living with my parents contributing nothing, unemployed for a year, blah blah blah. stupid fucking neet should have never been born etc etc etc

she took an uber home and had glowing reviews about the experience and that’s great for her but the guilt made me throw up because i couldnt even do this minuscule thing. so like, if i DO hand her a note and say “here’s all the shit im going to do, BUH BYE” and some shit happens, or i dont get what i need done, or i dont have a fully developed plan of what i’m doing, then it’s gonna be more ammunition toward what a useless piece of shit i am. like, i dont have good food to eat at the house, but i also have NO APPETITE so nothing sounds good, so i cant even think of what foods i would get if i could. it’s such a jarring opportunity that i would just like...not get anything at all and go home. even when i -did- have the opportunity i just went “Uhh umm uhhh fuck uhhh milk” and got that (AND THEN MY MOM CAME HOME W 2 GALLONS OF MILK FROM COSTCO, SO OF COURSE I -DID SOMETHING WRONG-!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! IF I JUST LEFT IT UP TO HER INSTEAD OF DARING TO DO SOMETHING MYSELF I WOULDNT HAVE LOOKED LIKE A FUCKING IDIOT AND ENDED UP WITH 3 GALLONS OF MILK AT THE HOUSE) of course i drank the milk i bought, it’s not like it went to waste, but i was CAUGHT because there were now THREE instead of the one gallon covertly getting replaced. instead of me doing something helpful i did something that became an inconvenience.

it’s just little shit but it all adds up. it’s been all of these little fucking things forever and ever and ever, just like my mom’s hoarded garbage. “i bought just a couple of things”, innumerable times throughout the duration of my entire life, forever and ever, “just a few small things” over and over until it’s suffocating.  it’s just all this little shit all the fucking time and it’s suffocating.

naturally, the therapist sent me an article on “daughters of narcissistic mothers”. this will be a delight to read, i’m sure.

[chiquititae]

was tagged by @queenyoonji for this ily!

last

drink: coke (coke runs in my veins by now)

call: my mom

text: the girl im kinda crushing on whoops

song you listened to: 4 walls by f(x)

time you cried: uhhh  dont remember like 2 weeks ago???

have you ever

dated someone twice: no

kissed someone and regretted it: no

been cheated on: no

lost someone special: yes

been depressed: have been constantly depressed for 4 years lmao

gotten drunk and thrown up: yep

favorite colors: black, blue, purple

in the last year have you

made any new friends: yes

fallen out of love: uhhh kinda?? stopped having a crush on someone

laughed so hard you cried: i think so?

found out someone was talking about you: yes

met someone who changed you: yes but idk if for better lmao

found out who your friends were: more like who wasnt my friend

kissed someone in your fb friends list: no

general

how many ppl from ur fb friends do u know irl?: i dont know like 2 ppl irl??

do you have any pets?: 2 cats (misha and luna) and a dog (tika)

do you want to change your middle name?: i dont mind my second name but would prefer sth more original (its anna, my second name is anna and in poland its a really common name)

what did you do for your birthday last year?: last year i had exams on my birthday so.... yeah

what time did you wake up today?: 7:40 am

what were you doing last night at midnight?: uhhhh reading a fanfic i think??

what’s something you can’t wait for?: bts’ concert in october!!!

what’re you listening to right now?: big god by florence + the machine

have you ever talked to a person named tom?: to a person with polish version of this name, yeah

something that gets on your nerves: lmao this is literally what i was discussing with my therapist yesterday and its the general unfairness, especially my parents’ unfairness towards me. also, you know, general stuff like homophobia/ racism/sexism/double standards/etc.

most visited website: youtube, facebook, tumblr

hair color: uhhh light brown?? it used to be dark blonde tho

short hair or long hair: shortish?? arms lenght

do you have a crush on anyone: ....its complicated

what do you like about yourself?: ummmm my legs, my ears, my fingers?? when it comes to personality then the only thing i like about myself is my open mindedness

want any piercings?: yes someday!!

blood type: A+ (at least one thing about me is A+ fjdghfjdk)

nicknames: the only one is smurfette and my grandma calls me that

relationship status: single

zodiac sign: taurus

pronouns: she/her

favorite show: oh boy i think doctor who?? or brooklyn 99!!

tattoos: i don’t have any but i want to!

right or left handed: right

every had surgery:  no

piercings: only the basic ear ones??

sports: god no

vacation: i dont really travel a lot

trainers: god tier

more general

eating: nothing atm

drinking: just finished my coke lmao

about to watch: im rewatching the vampire diaries bc i stopped watching at like season 6 and forgot what was happening before. also i want to watch the originals. what can i say im a vampire fucker

waiting for: nothing really??

get married: i mean maybe?? if i find the right person that i would actually like spend the rest of my life with

career: bitch i wish i knew

which is better

hugs or kisses?: hugs

lips or eyes?: eyes

shorter or taller?: taller tbh?? but short girls are also cute!!

younger or older?: olderor but preferably the same age

nice arms or stomach?: nice stomach

hookup or relationship?: relationship

troublemaker or hesitant?: if its a troublemaker boy then no thanks

have you ever

kissed a stranger: no

drank hard liquor: yes

lost glasses: yes and i had them on my goddamn nose 

turned someone down: i mean in primary school yeah dsjgkhsadjgk

had sex on the first date: no

broken someone’s heart: again, in primary school and i still feel guilty

had your heart broken: yes

been arrested: no

cried when someone died: yes

fallen for a friend: ugh yes

do you believe in

yourself: bitch...im...trying.....

miracles: no but i wish they would happen to me

love at first sight: no wtf

santa: no

kiss on the first date: sure

angels: used to believe in them but now...nah

other

best friend’s name: im a lonely bitch but my best buddies on tumblr are marti and sanduni

eye color: something between blue and grey

favorite movie: the handmaiden, the whole jurassic park series

favorite actor: don’t have one??

i tag: @kids-these-dayz @namgii @uselesssbian @cuteyg @rysiowate @lesbiansana @maigcshop @bloodsweatandgaytears @singularitytae @gukmul but dont feel pressured to do this

[dreamlike-remade]

92 truths

rules: once you’ve been tagged, you are supposed to write a note with 92 truths about you, at the end choose 25 people to be tagged

i was tagged by @tominlou and @iconichalo to do this and i Love!!! these kinda things tbh so thanks guys

LAST:

last drink: water

last phone call: my mom

last text message: “EVERYONE IS LEAVING AND MY BUTTHOLE WONT STOP” .......

last song you listened to: i have friends in holy spaces - p!atd

last time i cried: wednesday night

HAVE YOU EVER:

dated someone twice: yes

been cheated on: yes

kissed someone and regretted it: lmao yes

lost someone special: yes

been depressed: uhhhhhh can’t remember when i wasn’t

been drunk and thrown up: yep!

IN THE PAST YEAR HAVE YOU:

made a new friend: yes!!!

fallen out of love: wasn’t in love to fall out of it

laughed until you cried: no i’ve never actually

met someone who changed you: i’m gna say yes bc different experiences with different ppl helped me grow as a person

found out who your true friends are: yes tbh

found out someone was talking about you: do siblings count? lmao

GENERAL:

how many people on tumblr do you know in real life?: @tominlou bc she’s my sister

do you have any pets?: yes!!!!!! i say i have 2 even tho one of them isn’t technically mine but i love her so much so idc

do you want to change your name?: someday i wanna change it legally

what time did you wake up this morning?: 7:45

what were you doing last night?: uhhh watching degrassi with vas

name something you cannot wait for: louis to announce his tour

have you ever talked to a person named tom: yes actually that’s an interesting story

what’s getting on your nerves rn?: my dumbass sleep schedule and not being able to fall asleep unless i’m about to die from exhaustion

blood type: no idea

nickname: parents call me bub/bubby sometimes

relationship status: happily taken

zodiac sign: scorpio

pronouns: they/them

favorite tv show: friends

college: whomst

hair color: rly dark brown

do you have a crush on someone: i’m in love with my gf does that count

what do you like about yourself: my sense of humor

FIRSTS:

first surgery: never

first piercing: my ears technically but they wouldn’t stay pierced so they’re Gone

first sport you joined: basketball

first vacation: california!! disney land

first pair of sneakers: ???

RIGHT NOW:

eating: nothing

drinking: nothing

i’m about to: sleep

listening to: slow hands - niall horan

want kids: ya i want a son Right Now (not actually but dlvksjifjdjdnsjfjs)

get married: yes someday

career: i wanna be a therapist

WHICH IS BETTER:

lips or eyes: i like my s/o to have both

hugs or kisses: hugs!

shorter or taller: usually taller but i actually don’t rly care i just have an issue with feeling Too Big

older or younger: doesn’t matter as long as the age gap isn’t too big

romantic or spontaneous: uhhhhh romance can be spontaneous right? so both

sensitive or loud: sensitive but vas is loud passionate and i love that about her

hook up or relationship: relationship

troublemaker or hesitant: hesitant ig????? idk what this means

HAVE YOU EVER:

kissed a stranger: yes.......

drank hard liquor: uh yeah

lost contacts/glasses?: yep lmao

sex on first date: no thanks

broken someone’s heart: i don’t know tbh i don’t think but i’m not 100% sure

been arrested: nah

turned someone down: uhhh yes

fallen for a friend: yes definitely

DO YOU BELIEVE:

in yourself: lmao no

miracles: i wish i did

love at first sight: no but i believe in attraction and infatuation and chemistry at first sight

heaven: no idea it’s a cool concept though

santa claus: i wish i did

ok um? i guess i’ll tag @lesbianhoran, @jound, @sensitiv, @softwish, @frenchlouau, @louiechristmas, @principalgoats, @tomlinsontummy, @mysmollou, @ghostspf

u don’t gotta do it if u don’t want! jcisjcisjs also sorry if u were already tagged aaaaa

[sunshines-stories]

I've been tagged! (85 things)

I got tagged by @shadowboxmind so i guess we just jump in? So rules are to answer the stuff below and tag 20 people. Idk if I know 20 people but let's do it! the last: 1. drink: water 2. phone call: uhhh probably my friend ( @esmeedanikatodd 's boy) bc I've been helping him with an attempted murder case 3. text message: texted my boyfriend to tell him goodnight even though he's out backpacking and can't see my texts for days 4. song: i... don't know? Maybe something fifth harmony...? I was on a walk and I got lost and I paid more attention to that than what I was listening to 5. time you cried: lmao when my dad basically told me he won't pay for my out of state colleges unless they're Harvard, Stanford, or yale (which means I can't go) when my therapist is literally telling me to get as far from here as possible have you ever: 6. dated someone twice: yep! Many time! Three different people! I'm an asshole and an idiot! 7. kissed someone and regretted it: sure man 8. been cheated on: nah never even worried about it for real 9. lost someone special: yeah 10. been depressed: oh yeah 11. gotten drunk and thrown up: to quote my friend who answered this before me "Can’t drink, don’t want to" favorite colors: 12. Gold. It suits my brown skin very well and carries power with it. 13. Pink! It brights up rooms and smiles and it's just generally too misunderstoood. 14. The deep green that I see in my boyfriend, it's like a forest in his aura. 15: Rose gold is a combination of my two favorite colors! 16: Blue is very nice my nails are the same shade of blue as my nose ring right now! in the last year have you: 17. laughed until you cried: yes I have and we were supposed to be working @shadowboxmind and instead we were all rolling on the ground and it's all your fault (ily) 18. found out someone was talking about you: oh yeah lmao my ex who I thought was great apparently talks shit about me that's awesome and also my parents love to brag about me 19. met someone who changed you: yes!!! All my friends!!!! I love them all and many are actually pretty new!!!! 20. found out who your friends are: I'd like to think so 21. kissed someone on your facebook list: boyfriend so yes 22. made friends: heck yeah I have 23. fallen out of love: no not really, I've just been in love with boy for a long time general: 25. what did you do for your last birthday: a chat party with a bunch of white people lmao (spicy food and more spicy food) 26. how many of your facebook friends do you know in real life: All of them but they're mostly family and classmates bc I don't really use Facebook to socialise it's mostly just for school 27. do you have any pets: MY BABY MY PUPPY MY LOVE her name is Cocoa and she is pure and good and she's a chocolate lab and I took her for a nearly 4 mile walk yesterday so she currently hates me a little bit 28. what time did you wake up: 7:30. Thats sleeping in for me. 29. what were you doing at midnight last night: sleeping jfc you kids shouldn't stay up that late 30. name something you can’t wait for: seeing my boyfriend and also getting the fuck away from my family!!! 31: what are you listening to right now: the sounds of my family starting to wake up 32: have you ever talked to a person named tom: Yeah! He was a sweet classmate one day, never spoken to me before but saw me crying the day before and made me a minion plushie and gave it to me saying "I don't know you, I don't know what you're going through, but I hope everything gets better." He's not a friend but I appreciate the guy. 33: something that’s getting on your nerves: COLLEGE APPS (and normally my family but not as much lately) 34. do you want to change your name: I mean my real name is Sanskruti but I love Sunny much more so yeah? 35. hair color: Black 36. long or short hair: short ish. I have to grow it out for prom so it's touching my shoulders again 37. piercings: Regular earring piercings and a nose piercing 38. tattoos: Soon! 39. blood type: no clue kiddo I'll donate blood today so if you REALLY wanna know, shoot me an ask later tonight 40. nicknames: Sunny, sunshine, boo, kestrel, "Bollywood Beauty" (Thats the boy), Muskan ("smile") 41. relationship status: wonderful boyfriend that I love very much and trust me this is the straightest I've ever been 42. zodiac: aquarius 43. pronouns: she/her 44. most visited website: uhhh probably google drive bc most of my life is on there 45. right or left handed: Right 46. surgeries: Wisdom teeth soon but nothing yet 47. sports: tennis, taekwondo, and chess is a sport fuck you 48. favorite tv show: Parks and Recreation but Avatar the Last Airbender is a close second 49. vacations: Summer vacations tend to be either back to India or a road trip. California, Canada, Oregon, Florida, and the next trip supposedly is to New York. 50. sneakers: uh? I have a couple? Blue running shoes and pink worn out sneakers more general: 52. eating: uhhh healthier food except when it's not? 53. fave drink: water! 54. what you’re up to: cleaning the house for dinner guests 55. waiting for: the start of school for the boyfriend to get back 56. want: cuddles? Sex? Idk. Both are good. 57. get married: until recently it was a no but (don't tell him this) I really want to spend the rest of my life with my boyfriend and yes I know it's stupid bc we're young and probably won't even go to the same fucking college but it's the first time I've ever felt this. So yes. I'd wanna get married. 58. career: prosecuting attorney, then judge, then either Supreme Court justice or attorney general which is better: 60. hugs or kisses: HUGS I AM A SLUT FOR HUGS 61. lips or eyes: eyes are prettyyyyy 62. shorter or taller: i am short. I like fellow shorts. But also? Tall people? When they hug me I feel so safe??? So Idk man i like people. 63. older or younger: uhhh for friends? Anyone? If we click and can hang Im gonna hang with you. 64. nice arms or stomach: i like squishy tummies but I'm always a slut for toned arms (see boyfriend who had BOTH) 65. hook up or relationship: relationships are nice mostly bc I've never had a hookup but like?? I get emotionally attached v easily it would not work for me. 66. troublemaker or hesitant: Hesitant have you ever: 67. kissed a stranger: nope 68. drank hard liquor: staying away from that shit so no 69. lost glasses/contacts: never had them so no 70. turned someone down: lmao yeah the first time was the best time 71. sex on the first date: I mean? It wasn't technically sex? But it sorta was? But also the second time we dated, we totally fucked on the first date so yes. 72. broken someone’s heart: Yeah... sorry 73. had your heart broken: yep. Two different people now. 74. been arrested: Nah 75. cried when someone died: well yeah 76. fallen for a friend: well I'm dating him aren't I? do you believe in: 77. yourself: LMAO 78. miracles: I? Suppose I might? 79. love at first sight: nah 80. santa claus: Nah 81. kiss on the first date: sure man I'm not one to judge 82. angels: Not really sorry friend other: 83. current best friend’s name(s): James and André 84. eye color: Brown? Black? 85. favorite movie: fuck I don't really have one. How about? Coraline? Okay and finally! I tag @esmeedanikatodd @indimitable @scarfboi @agentsof-s-h-i-e-l-d @amberarts13 @themotherlimabean @fakebirds and honestly whoever else would like to do this bc I don't have enough friends

[christinamirabilis]

Question thingy cos I’m procrastinating going to bed which I will be heavily regretting at 7:30 when I have to get up for class but yolo

Spotify, SoundCloud, or Pandora?  I don’t really use any of them tbh, like, I like to have all of my music in iTunes/on my phone - but if I ever stream music it’s actually normally on YouTube.

is your room messy or clean?  Right now it’s very messy, I was supposed to clean it days ago but I’m lazy.

what color are your eyes?  Blue.

do you like your name? why?  I’ve always been indifferent to it - or, really, it’s that depersonalised feel where I tell people my name is Christina and I answer to Christina but when I start to think about it, say it out loud slowly and mindfully, it feels like a foreign object in my mouth.  So I try not to do that because that’s uncomfortable as fuck.  But anyway, yeah, indifferent, but ever since I learned about Christina Mirabilis and how much she has come to mean to me, it’s better, like, it feels like fate I guess.  If such a thing exists, which is another thing I am ambivalent about.

what is your relationship status?  extremely single so if anyone wants to take one for the team and date me, that would be swell.

describe your personality in 3 words or less?  neurotic, means well.

what color hair do you have?  purple

what kind of car do you drive? colour?  sadly I do not have a car, but I do have a scooter, it’s silver.

where do you shop?  like, as in where do I buy my groceries?  Haha lmao but honestly this is so vague.  Bitch I’m poor and fat, I shop anywhere where I can find something that doesn’t look completely hideous and that my card won’t get declined trying to buy.

how would you describe your style?  see above.  Would like to dress way cooler than I do but lack of money, and - more importantly, since thrift shops are a thing when you’re skinny - being fat.

favorite social media account? Tumblr I guess, even though it’s often incredibly frustrating, because Facebook is a shitstain on the fabric of humanity and I don’t have Twitter and rarely use Instagram.

what size bed do you have?  double.

any siblings?  little sister, she’s 25, lives in Melbourne.

if you can live anywhere in the world where would it be? why?  somewhere that is perpetually warm, where I can speak the language well enough to practice as a clinical psychologist, but still in a big city - I’m thinking either Sydney or Queensland, or California.  South of France would be fucking lit too, I guess I know enough French that I could become fluent with total immersion.  Anyway, I just want to be warm year-round, seasonal depression always kicks my ass, I fucking loathe being cold.

favorite snapchat filter?  fuck man I don’t know, I don’t remember the last time I used a snapchat filter.

favorite makeup brand(s)  depends on which type of makeup, I have different favourite brands for different products.  But, generally, cheap, I guess.  Although my two favourite makeup items are an eyeshadow that I got from Topshop, and a Makeup Revolution highlight.

how many times a week do you shower?  most days.

favorite tv show?  that is a really difficult question, I have so many favourites.  Right now it’s Game of Thrones, obviously.  But I think Dollhouse is possibly my all-time favourite TV show.  And right now I’m watching Vikings, which I’m fucking loving, just finished the second season.  Although HONESTLY I don’t give a fuck about Princess Aslaug, when the fuck are Ragnar and Lagertha gonna get back together because Lagertha is my fucking bae.

shoe size?  normally 7 or 8 in NZ sizes, or 38EU.

how tall are you?  5′2″ of pure queer fury.

sandals or sneakers?  docs.

do you go to the gym?  lmao.

describe your dream date?  I’ve done this before but basically - luxury version with the girl I’m in love with involves long extended holiday wandering around the Mediterranean and just having lazy days of eating and napping and swimming and having sex and exploring and shopping. Other than that, I just really love to go to an outdoor bar on a warm summer’s afternoon and have sangria or margaritas or wine and antipasto or tapas, and just chill and chat, and maybe have a sneaky cigarette.  just, like, yeah.  perfect.

how much money do you have in your wallet at the moment?  none, I don’t carry cash most of the time.

what color socks are you wearing?  grey with black polka dots, with a rabbit on each, they used to have pom poms on them for the rabbit’s tale but they’ve long since disintegrated.

how many pillows do you sleep with?  I sleep on one pillow but I have another one on the other side of my bed.

do you have a job? what do you do?  I am a supervisor in a bookstore.

how many friends do you have?  I don’t know off the top of my head, I’m not inclined to sit here and count them.

whats the worst thing you have ever done?  taken my pain out on my own body rather than directing my anger at the people who hurt me.

whats your favorite candle scent?  I don’t know but Sophie got me this Limoncello-scented one from Bath and Body Works in Vancouver but it’s humungous and heavy as fuck so she couldn’t afford to send it to me but I hope maybe when she eventually comes back she’ll bring it with her because I think that would be my favourite scent.

3 favourite boy names?  I don’t know, honestly, I don’t often think about boy names, I guess cos I’m fucking gay as shit so boys never cross my mind in any capacity.  But I like Elliott.  But I also like that name for a girl so idk,

3 favourite girl names?  I have heaps but the first three that spring to mind are Anneke, Rhiannon, and Sinead.

favorite actor?  don’t know tbh.  Probably Harrison Ford as Han Solo, cos he’s my son.

favorite actress?  a hard choice but Emilia Clarke is the one I crush on the hardest so yeah idk.

who is your celebrity crush?  who ISN’T?  I swear I’m in love with half the women in music and film.  Emilia Clarke is a big one, obviously, but also at the moment I’m crushing mega hard on Tash Sultana.

favorite movie?  I don’t know, I’ll just say Amélie because that film never fails to cheer me up.

do you read a lot? what’s your favourite book?  I do read a lot, and I have no fucking idea.

money or brains?  In a partner?  Brains, I guess, although that’s very subjective, given Gardner’s Theory of Multiple Intelligences - I guess it depends on what you value.  I, personally, value emotional intelligence.

do you have a nickname? what is it?  Stina.

how many times have you been to the hospital?  Uhhh.  I don’t know off the top of my head, and I probably can’t count accurately because there are a few admissions that I just straight up don’t remember.  At least 10 times, I would say.

top 10 favourite songs?  nah, that’s too hard.

do you take any medications daily?  yeah, I take sertraline (anti-depressant), prazosin (alpha-blocker - for PTSD), and birth control (for PCOS).  I also take magnesium and vitamin D because they’re both fucking lifesaving tbh.

what is your skin type? (oily, dry, etc)  I don’t know.  All I know is that it never fucking does what I want it to.

what is your biggest fear?  The people I love dying, especially my close family.

how many kids do you want?  more than one but no more than three.

whats your go to hair style?  down.  I always wear it down.  I have a pretty large side-undercut, so.

what type of house do you live in? (big, small, etc)  The house itself is really big, it’s an old villa, but it’s divided into two flats, we’re on the bottom floor.  It isn’t huge, we have a tiny lounge, a slightly-larger-than-average kitchen, and average-sized bathroom/laundry - but our rooms are all fucking humungous.

who is your role model?  my therapist, my old high school guidance counsellor, my friends.

what was the last compliment you received?  Owen said my hair looked good today.

what was the last text you sent?  it was a really long Facebook message to the girl I’m currently talking to, we’re going on a date on Thursday, I’m excited.

how old were you when you found out santa wasn’t real?  Idk, I figured it out pretty young, I was a bright kid.  Maybe five or six?

what is your dream car?  I don’t really know.  I like 70s muscle cars but honestly at the end of the day any car is a good car.  Plus, practically-speaking, I would like something that is kind on the environment, an electric car or a hybrid.

opinion on smoking?  I think that it is something people do when they need something to alleviate a distressing situation.  It’s no secret that smoking is more prevalent among the poor and the mentally ill, as well as those with high-stress jobs.  I am an ex-smoker who relapses one or two times a year, the last time I had a cigarette was early April.  I sometimes start smoking again when I am not doing well emotionally or if I’m really stressed (eg during exams).  And I don’t like it, it makes me feel tired, it makes my throat phlegmy, it leaves a bad taste in my mouth and it makes me stink of smoke, and it is fucking expensive, but it meets a need.  So my opinion is that I don’t like smoking, but sometimes it has a hold on me that I can’t resist, and I have the utmost compassion for anyone who smokes.

do you go to college?  yeah, I’m in my last year of my undergrad.

what is your dream job?  clinical child and youth psychologist.

would you rather live in rural areas or the suburbs?  inner-city suburbs - far out enough to still live in a free-standing house with a garden, but close enough that I can walk to the city, or be there after a short bus trip. That’s the situation I live in at the moment and it’s perfect.

do you take shampoo and conditioner bottles from hotels?  No, because I’m a snob and only like to use my own shampoo and conditioner.  But I don’t see anything wrong with it, since you’re paying for them.  Taking appliances and dressing gowns and towels, however, is not acceptable in my opinion.

do you have freckles?  Not really.

do you smile for pictures?  Sometimes but I hate having my photo taken so it always looks strained.

how many pictures do you have on your phone?  Not that many at the moment, I just did a big dump of photos onto my laptop, I like to do that from time to time so my iCloud doesn’t run out of space.

have you ever peed in the woods?  yeah, and on the side of the road, and once behind Sophie’s house when her flatmate was taking a really fucking long time in the shower and I desperately needed to pee.

do you still watch cartoons?  nah, but only cos they’re not my cup of tea, absolutely no hate.

do you prefer chicken nuggets from Wendy’s or McDonalds?  I’m a vegetarian.

Favorite dipping sauce?  see above.

what do you wear to bed?  pyjama pants and an old t-shirt.

have you ever won a spelling bee?  no, they’re not a thing in New Zealand, but if they were I would have fucking cleaned up - not to blow my own horn or anything but I am a freakishly good speller.  It’s kind of a not terribly useful skill though, and doesn’t say anything about my level of intelligence.  Just like my weird propensity for memorising numbers, even if I haven’t used them in 10 or 15 years (like my NCEA student number, and the mobile number for the cellphone I lost when I was 14).

what are your hobbies?  netflix, napping, and memeing.

can you draw?  nope, not even a little bit.

do you play an instrument?  yeah I play the violin, and I can also play piano, and I’m a decent choral singer, and I was once an okay percussionist, and I am a below-average guitarist, and an abysmal flute player.  But those last three were self-taught so yeah.

what was the last concert you saw?  The Veils BUT I’m going to see Sigur Rós on Friday and I am dying of excitement.

tea or coffee?  peppermint tea.

Starbucks or Dunkin Donuts?  Dunkin Donuts, but not for the coffee, I just really like donuts.  Plus we don’t have Dunkin Donuts in Wellington so it’s a huge novelty for me when I get to have them, I’m almost as excited about getting Dunkin Donuts when I fly into Auckland on Friday as I am about seeing my favourite band live haha.

do you want to get married?  Yes.

what is your crush’s first and last initial?  I don’t currently have a crush.

are you going to change your last name when you get married?  No but I will consider hyphenating if that’s something my wife wants to do.

what color looks best on you?  black I guess.

do you miss anyone right now?  I kinda miss Soph but these days I’m just starting to, like, I don’t know.  Adjust.  Which is nice.  Realising that the way things worked out is for the best, because otherwise I would have been in for a lot of misery.  Even though Sophie is a wonderful person whom I love and care about a huge amount.  Apart from that, I miss being close to Nic, because she is like a sister to me, and I wish that we lived near each other so we could support one another.

do you sleep with your door open or closed?  Closed.

do you believe in ghosts?  No, but I could be convinced to change my mind with enough evidence.

what is your biggest pet peeve?  People with bad manners, it is really not that fucking hard to say “please” and “thank you”?  I mean, I’m talking in a work context here pretty much, customers can be so fucking rude.  And the rude ones are all, without a single exception, baby boomers.  So... yeah.

last person you called?  Owen.

favorite ice cream flavour?  I’m not really an ice cream person but I really like Ben and Jerry’s chocolate chip cookie dough ice cream, that’s another thing I’m super looking forward to when I go to Auckland.  If it seems like I’m obsessed with food, it’s because I am - but I am especially obsessed with getting all of the bread and sugar I can into myself in the next week because next week I’m starting the keto diet and I’m dying a little inside just thinking about it, I really fucking love sugar and bread.

regular oreos or golden oreos?  regular.

chocolate or rainbow sprinkles?  rainbow.

what shirt are you wearing?  t-shirt with very thin stripes.

what is your phone background?  beyoncé in the formation video.

are you outgoing or shy?  depends on the context, but mostly shy.

do you like it when people play with your hair?  yeah.

do you like your neighbors?  I don’t know them but they seem nice in passing.

do you wash your face? at night? in the morning?  always.

have you ever been high?  yes.

have you ever been drunk?  yes.

last thing you ate?  cheesecake.

favorite lyrics right now?  eh.

summer or winter?  SUMMER.

day or night?  Idk I like both, it depends.

dark, milk, or white chocolate?  milk.

favorite month?  January.

what is your zodiac sign?  Aries but I don’t believe in that shit.

who was the last person you cried in front of?  Either my therapist or Owen and Autumn, I can’t remember.  Possibly both, I went through a stage of pretty much constantly crying a couple of weeks back lmao.

[meepface]

Evens for the ask thing!

thank you this was fun and extremely time consuming (which is good because i have nothing to do ever)!!

200: My crush’s name is:

Caitlin!!

198: I am really:

gay

196: My eye color is:

green

194: My ring size is:

uhhh @ caitlin: mine is a 5 right

192: I am allergic to:

shrimp i think, possibly red wine also, the fake metal they put in earrings, cedar pollen, also i’m lactose intolerant which i’m assuming counts here

190: My 1st job was:

TCBY frozen yogurt

188: My bed is:

the only place i can really fall asleep and Stay asleep

186: My best friend:

is the cutest look at us!!

184: Xbox or ps3:

xbox but i’ve never played ps3 so i’m biased

182: In my pockets:

they are empty

180: Marriage is:

not something i Need but if my partner wants it i will get married, i just don’t believe i need to get married to be committed to someone for life. it’s just never been as big of a deal to me as it is to most people but i would marry Caitlin in a heartbeat

178: My mom:

is the kindest most accepting and supportive person i know!! she is so great i love my mom look at her

176: Last YouTube video watched:

i sort of started this one by Miles Mckenna but i stopped to do this lmao

174: Do you have any siblings?

one brother!

172: Are you taller than your mom?

no

170: What did you do yesterday?

yesterday i worked until 3 and then visited Caitlin and then went home and saw my family for a bit and then went back to visit Caitlin at her work again until she got off and then her and i went and got a cinnabon and she talked to my boss about getting a job at my work and he basically interviewed her and guaranteed her the job on the spot and then i took her to dairy queen so she could get a blizzard and then we kissed a lil and went home!! a good day

[ I Believe In ]

168: Luck:

yeah i guess

166: Yourself:

honestly?? yes i have really started to!!!

164: Heaven:

idk i like to think it’s real but i feel like i logically think it isn’t but i also feel like who knows you know

162: God:

i believe there’s probably some sort of God but i don’t necessarily identify with really any religion and never really have so i think sure there’s probably something up there helping us out but who knows what lmao just be good to people and respect everyone’s beliefs and we’ll find out later

160: Soul mates:

i don’t believe everyone has just one i think everyone has multiple soulmates in multiple different fields (like platonic, romantic, etc) and i think that everyone has several people in each field that they could really click with like idk i refuse to believe there’s only one soulmate for everyone and too bad if you don’t find them

158: Gay Marriage:

absolutely. this is just common sense. i’m not big into the concept of marriage but i know damn well i don’t want that right taken from me if i choose to marry

156: Orbs:

idk no tbh 

[ This or That ]

154: Hugs or Kisses:

uhh i love both a lot but i’m always down for hugs n cuddles

152: Phone or Online:

online??

150: Blondes or Brunettes:

i’ve always liked brunettes but then Caitlin came along and changed the whole damn game for me so now i really don’t know. blondes but like, only Caitlin and nobody else

148: Summer or winter:

winter

146: Chocolate or vanilla:

boring, give me mint chocolate chip

144: Oranges or Apples:

oranges

142: McDonalds or Burger King:

i don’t really care for either but burger king i guess bc their chicken fries are good

140: Mac or PC:

mac just bc i’m so far up apple’s ass

138: Ugly and rich OR sweet and poor:

sweet and poor lol? 

136: Hillary or Obama:

obama

134: Singing or Dancing:

i like to sing because sometimes i can sing well and whenever i dance i look like an embarrassing dad chaperoning a middle school dance but trying to be cool and dancing along

132: Kat McPhee or Taylor Hicks:

who

130: Wal-Mart or Target:

target is my second home

128: Manicure or Pedicure:

manicure ig

126: Your Birthday or Christmas:

christmas!! i love givin people gifts

124: Disney or Six Flags:

six flags

[ Here’s What I Think About ]

122: War:

stop (but sometimes it’s necessary)

120: Gay Marriage:

again, it’s common sense lol marriage is for everyone who wants to get married

118: Abortion:

it’s the person with the uterus’ choice

116: Reality TV:

i dig it ngl

114: Back stabbers:

dumb

112: Facebook:

it’s nice but people who use it excessively are obnoxious and people who excessively share/comment their opinions on it are also obnoxious. take a break live offline a little

110: My Neighbors:

i have nice neighbors one of them is wealthy because he’s the drummer of a famous christian band so they’re always either throwing parties of out of the country and then my other neighbor lives alone with her annoying dog Chewy who roams the roads of our neighborhood and chases cars and almost dies and then my Other neighbors have an annoying ass kid named Sabrina who set loose one of my pet bunnies when i was little and i never forgave her. also one of my neighbors used to have a meth lab here but he got caught 

108: Designer Clothes:

rock those clothes if you can afford them

106: Sports:

i don’t get into them but i don’t hate them either. i used to want to be in softball or tennis or basketball when i was in high school but i never tried out

104: The future:

bring it on (gently)

[ Last time I ]

102: Last time you ate:

i had some froyo about two hours ago

100: Cried in front of someone:

i cried in front of my therapist a little last Wednesday

98: Took a vacation:

my family and i went to NYC for a few days right before Christmas last year

96: Changed a diaper:

i never have honestly

94: Went to a wedding:

oh man it’s been years but it was my cousin’s wedding and he has two kids now and my other cousin got way too drunk and disappeared from the reception and we found her at a starbucks eating dried fruit that she bought

92: Got a piercing:

forever ago BUT i think i’m finally going to pierce my ears for the second time on Friday!! i hope i stop talking about it and actually do it

90: Texted: 

i texted Caitlin like 20 minutes ago and i need to text her back but i keep doing this (sorry babe i love u i see ur texts give me just a minute ok)

[ MISC ]

88: Something I will really miss when I leave home is:

my brother, my dogs, my parents, the comfort of my comfy bed and my big room, my dad’s cooking, no neighbors close by so it’s always nice & quiet

86: The thing that I’m looking forward to the most:

figuring out what i want in my life and getting myself there, my music fest this summer, pride, my friend’s 21st bday, seeing my girlfriend tomorrow, learnin how to love myself even more, therapy next wednesday (no particular order)

84: People call me:

elyse, that ginger girl

82: I have gotten a speeding ticket:

i have not!! one time a cop pulled me over when i was going 10 over with Caitlin in the car and my insurance was months expired and he asked where we were going and we had to tell him we were just going mini golfing. he set me free with just a warning

80: The first person i talked to today was:

well i texted Caitlin first thing in the morning but i spoke to my mom, so

78: The one person who i can’t hide things from:

Caitlin probs, she can always tell when something’s wrong

76: Right now I am talking to:

well i would be talking to Caitlin if i would pause this for a second to text her back (i am so sorry babe i am on a roll please forgive me)

74: I have/will get a job:

i have a job at TCBY frozen yogurt right now but i am planning to get a second job (maybe at target or petsmart?) and test it out and use TCBY as my fallback just in case they don’t work. TCBY is such a chill happy job so i don’t wanna give it up quite yet. plus i get employee of the month all the time because my boss loves me, sooo

72: Today:

i had work until 4 and i was super duper productive so that felt really great!! i got a compliment from a customer and my boss!! and i made $7 in tips which was a lot considering how slow it was!! and then i visited Caitlin for like 5 minutes maybe and then i went to therapy and got froyo at menchie’s with my mom and then came home it was a good day!!!

70: Next Weekend:

i have no plans that i’m aware of yet. i am probably working though

68: The worst sound in the world:

a fork or knife scraping against a plate. my entire body shivers

66: People that make you happy:

caitlin, my mom, all my friends, my brother, my dad, my grandma, a few of my coworkers, my regular who always compliments my eyebrows, the guy who makes me breakfast tacos at this food trailer nearly every morning, my internet friends, my therapist

64: My friends are:

so great and supportive and positive. i love all of em so much

62: My School:

its so nice!!!! it was great going from a high school in an all white conservative small town in texas to a very diverse and liberal and happy college. i love it there and the campus is beautiful and i’ve made so many lovely supportive friends and i see my girlfriend every day!! and my classes have all been good (except modern biology 1300)

60: I lose all respect for people who:

are ignorant and disrespectful to others for no good reason, people who are rude to their waiters, people who can’t seem to mind their own business, people who slut shame, people who are racist/homophobic/xenophobic/etc,

58: Your hair color is:

red !! look at how cute i am 

56: Favorite web site:

runescape HIGHKEY

54: The worst pain I was ever in was:

physical was probably when something was seriously fucked with my stomach last year and it was Cramping and the doctor said it was a stomach bug but it felt like i was actually dying, emotional i do not want to talk about publicly !

52: My room is:

a disgusting depression cave and i should clean it now that i’m feelin good again

50: Where would you like to be:

with my girlfriend or maybe in iceland (or both)

48: Ever been in love:

currently

46: More guy friends or girl friends:

as a kid i had more guy friends but as i’ve grown i have more girl friends! this bitch learned

44: One person that you wish you could see right now:

my girlfriend !! also it would be nice to see my grandpa and grandma again i miss them a lot sometimes :( 

42: Have you made a list of things to do before you die:

i have!! one of my best friends and i are gonna go skydiving after we graduate college so soon i will get to check something off so that’s exciting to me

40: Last person I got mad at:

one of my parents, i think it was my dad most recently

38: I wish I was a professional:

psychologist 

[ My Favorites ]

36: Vehicle:

i don’t have one lol hondas are nice bc i have one and it is nice

34: State visited:

i really loved oregon and south dakota and montana!! california would be nice to revisit because i hardly remember it but i’m sure i’d love it there too. and i loved ohio for sentimental reasons 

32: Athlete:

venus williams

30: Actress:

shit i don’t know probably Emma Stone since she’s my real mom

28: Band:

twenty one pilots because i’m a fake deep emo loser and i hate myself :/ 

26: Grocery store:

HEB (only texans get this like if u agree)

24: Movie:

probably either The Secret Life of Walter Mitty or Silver Lining’s Playbook 

22: Animal:

i love bears and also bunnies

20: Holiday:

Christmas

18: Sport to play:

tennis and basketball and baseball are fun!!

16: Book:

the entire Junie B Jones series

14: Beach:

i don’t have one i hate them all (a beach in Hawaii would be really nice to go to though since the water isn’t like…. gross there)

12: Thing to cook:

i can’t cook don’t get me near a kitchen or the house will burn

10: Restaurant:

Hunan Lion, it’s a lil chinese food restaurant that like nobody knows about or cares about or goes to but it’s SO GOOD and i could eat there every day

8: Yankee candle scent:

shit i don’t know whatever smells like christmas

6: Flower:

sunflowers & daisies

4: Talk show host:

ellen degeneres & seth meyers & jimmy fallon

2: Dog breed:

i like border collies and golden retrievers and french bulldogs

(OKAY I WILL TEXT YOU BACK NOW CAITLIN I LOVE YOU)

[raganandhersurveys]

6/11/20~CIV

~Ready to answer 151 Questions?

 1. When was the last time you swam in a pool?

~last summer.... i really need to go soon 

 2. Do you like to party? 

~if it’s with people i like, for sure. the parties that people from my highschool throw are kinda lame tho://

 3. If your ex suddenly kissed you right now, what would you do?

~i don’t think my heart could take it because i lowkey still have feelings for him soooooo

 4. Are you a virgin?

~yes

 5. What are your parents views on your relationships? 

~my parents supported both in the beginning. i honestly didn’t open up to them a lot about my first boyfriend so i never truly told them about how bad our breakup was. however, my second boyfriend was different because our dads were best friends in high school. he was really close to my dad so my dad supported it and that made me happy. but since we aren’t together anymore it’s really hard for my dad to even mention him anymore. 

6. If you ran into your current boyfriend/crush in 10 years, would you marry them?

~i don’t really have either one at the moment 

7. Is your best friend dating anyone?

~yes 

 8. Describe the shirt you’re wearing?

~it’s a tiffany blue ribbed t-shirt from aerie 

 9. Do people who wear Hollister and Abrercrombie every day bother you?

~no because that was me in middle school. along with j.crew ://

10. Could you go out in public without wearing make-up?

~lol yes 

11. What is one feature that you don’t like? 

~on me, my butt lol

12. Would people describe you as happy?

~i think so but it would also depend on who you asked 

13. Are you single? 

~i am

 14. Does it bother you that pretty much every survey you take asks if you’re single? 

~i mean yeahhhhhh just because i’m still going through it from my last relationship 

 15. Do you have Tumblr? 

~......

16. What about Xanga? 

~i have no idea what that is lmaooo i feel like that makes me sound super young 

17. Have you ever babysat before? 

~yep

 18. Is there a teacher who you absolutely hate?

~i wouldn’t say HATE but i’ve had a couple of teachers that i wasn’t a fan of but it was just because our personalities 

19. Ever shopped at Sephora? 

~more of a ulta girl but yes  

20. If your current boyfriend/crush suddenly moved away, what would you do?

~again, don’t have one 

 21. Do you have any university plans? 

~i start applying to colleges this fall ughhh pray for me 

 22. If your best friend revealed she was a homosexual, what would you do? 

~well it would definitely surprise me because she has a boyfriend buttt i would obviously be supportive of her decision and still love her just as much 

23. What are your views on sex?

~it’s a great thing ya feel 

24. Do sexual questions bother you? 

~not at all 

25. Would you rather have sex with your boyfriend or break up?

~ummmm that sounds like some narcissistic stuff ahaha 

26. Have you ever dreamed about your wedding?

~ughhhh yes 

27. Does it bother you when people TYpe 1yk dis’? 

~yeah lol i kinda have a stroke reading it 

 28. Do you delete pictures of you and your exes off of Facebook? 

~lol yeah?? 

 29. Would you ever date a friends Ex? 

~my friends have ugly exes so no lmaoooooo

 30. What’s the last book you read?

~me and sydney are currently reading since you’ve been gone 

31. Ready for 10 simple questions? 

~hit it 

32. What is your last name? 

~quate

 33. What grade are you in?

~i just finished my junior year so i’m going into 12th 

 34. What school do you go to?

~i’m not gonna reveal that srry

 35. Summer, Fall, Winter or Spring? 

~fall

 36. Favorite Color?

~pink

 37. Are your parents together?

~nope

38. Any siblings?

~i have one sister

 39. Favorite subject? 

~choir or literature 

40. Least favorite subject? 

~mathhhhhh

 41. Favorite song? 

~i’ve been super into slowed and reverbed stuff rn so any hip-hop/rnb song slowed 

42. Okay. Simple questions are over. Happy? 

~lol yeahhhhh

43. How many friends do you have on Facebook? 

~i don’t have facebook lol but on insta i have 787

 44. Ever been requested by some old guy from another country?

~yeah

 45. Have you ever googled yourself? 

~yep

46. Have a Formspring?

~again, proof that i’m young i assume lol

47. You’re offered free tickets to a Justin Bieber concert. What do you do? 

~obviously go cause they’re free lmao

 48. Would you rather spend the day at an amusement park or a water park? 

~amusement 

49. Been to Disney world? 

~i have but it’s been so long 

 50. If someone posts their status “9 Inches :(” do you know what they mean? 

~bahahah uhhh i’m thinkin of something but i don’t think that’s what you’re referencing 

 51. Ever had a boyfriend? 

~mhmm

52. Ever had a huge crush on someone who still doesn’t know?

~omg so many. i will never tell someone i like them until they tell me first or they make it super obvious they like me back 

 53. Have you done something in the last week that you regret? 

~most likely. i can’t remember anything specifically tho 

. 54. Ever drank alcohol?

~yes

 55. Know anyone who’s currently doing drugs?

~yes 

56. Ever watched The Hills?

~i’ve heard of it. i think it came on mtv in like the 2000s??

 57. What about Jersey Shore? 

~ughhh yes my mom and i still watch the reruns 

58. Ever called someone a slut? 

~as a joke 

 59. What do you think of short shorts?

~i wear them but not the ones where my whole ass is hanging out aha 

60. Does it bother you if people swear around you?

~nope 

 61. Have you ever gotten an A in a subject?

~i have 

62. What about a B?

~mhmm

63. And a C?

~yes hate chem dude :(

 64. How about a D?

~nope 

 65. Ever skived?

~idk what that is 

66. Would you consider yourself popular and outcast or somewhere in the middle?

~between popular and the middle. i’ve never been an outcast 

 67. Are most of your friends older or younger than you? 

~my best friends are roughly my age, give or take a few months 

68. Ever been stabbed in the back by a close friend? 

~oh yes 

69. Do you think it’s immature when people laugh at the number 69?

~my humor can be immature so it doesn’t bother me 

 70. Ever watched porn?

~not on purpose lol

 71. How many laws do you think you’ve broken in the past month?

~none

72. Do you wake up with an alarm clock?

~when i had to go to school. man it feels like it’s been literal ages since i’ve been 

 73. Do you prefer Wednesdays or Thursdays? 

~when i was in school, thursdays because it’s closer to the weekend but since quarantine i usually forget what day it is anyway

 74. If your school had a Glee Club would you join?

~ahah yeah my choir teacher would make me 

75. Ever performed in a talent show?

~many times 

 76. Have you ever cried in public? 

~maybe twice as an older person. i hate crying in public 

 77. Do you have a favorite between your Mom and your Dad? 

~no there are things between both of parents that i relate better on

78. Would you audition or a reality talent competition? 

~nope

79. How many celebrity crushes have you had? 

~so many

 80. How many non-celebrity crushes have you had? 

~not near as many 

 81. Name 5 male celebrities who you think are attractive

~jimmy garapollo, kelly oubre jr., dave franco, jamie dornan, and mark wahlberg

82. Name 5 female celebrities who you think are attractive

~madison beer, margot robbie, angelina jolie, julia roberts, and alicia silverstone

 83. Ever been compared to a celebrity?

~nope 

84. Have any embarrassing pictures on Facebook?

~ok for the record everything that says Facebook, i’m inserting Instagram instead. but no i have taken down anything i deem embarrassing 

85. Do you think spending £20 on Lip Gloss is a waste of money? 

~it depends on the brand and if it has good reviews 

 86. Are you opinionated?

~lol yes

 87. Do you have a favorite store? 

~target, goodwill, urban outfitters, and antique stores 

 88. Would you ever wear Flare Jeans?

~yesss i love them 

 No. 89. Do you own jeans that aren’t skinny? 

~yeah quite a few 

 90. Have you ever worn the same outfit twice in one week? 

~lol yes 

91. What’s the longest period of time you’ve been away from school?

~lol 3 months ig since corona 

 92. Do you google abbreviations you don’t understand?

~sure?

93. Does it bother you when people have cats as their profile picture?

~lol no i love cats soooo it’s good with me 

 94. Own a pair of converse?

~yes

 95. Is there a teacher at your school who has obvious favorites?

~LMAOOO yes

 96. If yes, are you one of them? 

~not for the one i’m thinking of 

 97. Do you text in class?

~yeah sometimes 

 98. What brand of jeans do you wear the most? 

~american eagle 

 99. At what point do you think sizes are “Plus Sized?

~like 18?

100. Do you want to lose weight? 

~a little, yeah 

101. Ever seen a therapist?

~yes 

102. Ever watched porn?

~not on purpose 

103. Ever purposely ignored a text?

~all the dang time 

104. A facebook message?

~all the time 

105. A poke?

~idk what that is 

106. A friend request?

~yes but if i don’t want them to follow me i’ll usually just decline it 

107. Would you say you read into things too much? 

~definately 

 108. Is your best friend more likely to be the one suggesting something stupid or refusing to do something stupid?

~refusing for sure. i usually suggest the stupid stuff 

109. Do you have a “fun friend?” (A friend who you have tons of fun with but you never really have deep conversations?) 

~yeah quite a few but they aren’t my best friends

110. Ever been called a bully?

~probably but like i don’t remember 

111. Ever purposely hurt yourself? 

~no

112. Ever gone to church? 

~yep

113. Would you call either of your parents screw ups? 

~lol no 

 114. If you turned out exactly like your mom would you be pleased? 

~uhhh not really. i love my mom but we are NOT the same

 115. What do you want to do with your life?

~just to be happy i guess 

116. Let me guess… You have brown hair?

~i do actually 

 117. Already know what you’re being for Halloween?

~not yettttt

 118. Do you still go Trick or Treating? 

~no, i feel like once you turn like 17 people give you weird looks 

 119. Ever liked someone WAY older than you?

~lol alwaysssss

120. Does it bother you when people have really loud conversations on the bus?

~i guess a little but i don’t even know the last time i rode a bus

121. When you have sunglasses on, do you stare at people? 

~yeah but not on purpose 

122. Ever had a credit card denied? 

~i don’t have a credit card

123. What’s the last movie you watched? 

~uhhh this movie my mom was watching called what lies beneath 

 124. Last TV Show? 

~wildin out 

125. You see your Ex making out with one of your friends. What do you do?

~probably cry not gonna lie 

127. Are you american?

~i am 

 128. Ever made yourself throw up? 

~nope 

129. Have you ever kissed someone who wasn’t your boyfriend? 

~i have 

130. Are you Cute or Gross? 

~probably gross

 131. Does it bother you when people say “LOOK HOW MUCH YOU’VE GROWN!”?

~no but they are definitely lying because i haven't grown since 7th grade 

 132. Can you say intelligent things around the guy you like?

~lol yes?

133. Ever had the lead in a play? 

~i have!

134. What about a solo in a concert? 

~yes as well 

 135. What kind of a student are you? 

~an a/b student for the most part 

 136. Worst subject? 

 ~It was always math<---- mood 

 137. Best subject?

~choir or literature 

138. Ever had a crush on a teacher? 

~no but i’ve always wished i would have a hot teacher 

 139. Would it bother you if you found out that your mother was pregnant? 

~yeah because my mom can’t have kids anymore 

140. How late do you sleep in?

~like 9:30; i don’t sleep late 

141. Do you edit your profile pictures before posting them?

~lol yeah

142. Be 100% honest. Do you have any friends who are uglier than you? 

~my friends are all beautiful genuinely 

143. Do you believe in love?

~i do 

 144. Would you consider yourself a good student?

~mhmm

145. Does it bother you when Surveys ask “Did you like this survey?” 

~no but it’s kind of a stupid question 

 146. Salty, Sweet, Sour or Spicy?

~spicy for sure 

147. Are you going into High School this year? 

~no, this will be my last year :((

148. What about Junior High?

~lmaooooo thank goodness no

149. What is one thing someone could say to you right now that would make you cry?

~you’re ugly bahaha

 150. Where did you find this note?

~tumblr????

151. Last question. How many unread messages are in your phone? 

~none at the moment 

[la-binoclarde]

I’m doing this even though no one asked

1. Last kiss - Ethan 🙄

2. Last phone call - Riss. Technically it was a FaceTime

3. Last text message - Riss, talking about this new game she got me to play

4. Last song you listened to - Probably Humble by Kendrick Lamar

5. Last time you cried - Uhhh the 29th? When I went to go see Star Wars the Last Jedi

HAVE YOU EVER:

6. Dated someone twice - No

7. Been cheated on - Hope not

8. Self harmed - Nope

9. Lost someone special - Yeah :(

10. Been depressed - For sure

11. Been drunk and threw up - Lmao yeah

THIS YEAR HAVE YOU:

12. had sex - Yeah

13. How many people have you had sex with this year? - 1

15. Made a new friend - Mhmm (: A few

17. Laughed until you cried - A few times 😂

18. Met someone who changed you - Yes

19. Found out who your true friends were - I’ve known

20. Found out someone was talking about you - Nope.

26. What did you do for your last Birthday - Hung out with Amanda and my mom after babysitting in the morning and called my dad out for being terrible.

27. What time did you wake up today - Like 8:10

29. Name something you CANNOT wait for - To get off work tomorrow

30. Last time you saw your all of your siblings at the same time - Christmas

31. What is one thing you wish you could change about your life - Umm just the being single part, I guess. It’s a pretty good life tbh.

32. What are you listening to right now - My fan xD

33. When is the last time you had sex? - Beginning of October

34. Who's getting on your nerves right now - If anyone, Ethan. But he hasn’t done anything more besides exist

35. Most visited webpage - Probably Facebook

36. Favorite colour - Blue

37. Nicknames - Bree, B Swizzle, Bill, B, Bill Davies the Science Maybes, Snippers

38. Relationship Status - Single af

39. Zodiac sign - Aries

40. Male or female - Female

41. Primary school - Thompson

42. Secondary School - Palombi

43. High school/college - North, CLC, North Park

44. Eye color - Light brown

46. Height - 5’3”

47. Do you have a crush on someone - Just started talking to a guy today. We’ll see.

48. What do you like about yourself - Caring. Loyal. Helpful. Eyes. 🤷🏻‍♀️

49. Piercings - 13 of them 😂. Ears, lip, tongue, nose, nipples, and belly button.

50. Tattoos - 3

51. Righty or lefty - Righty

FIRSTS:

53. First piercing - Ears

54. First best friend - Rachael in kindergarten

55. First hookup - I guess Ethan because we never dated? We were FWB. If that doesn’t count, no one.

56. First Bestfriend - so they copy a question then skip two numbers??

RIGHT NOW:

59. Eating - nothing

60. Drinking - nothing

61. I'm about to - go to bed

62. Listening to - nothing

63. Waiting for - to finish this up xD

YOUR FUTURE:

64. Want kids? - yes

65. Get married? - yes

66. Career - I dunno yet. Move up in Jewel or be a therapist

WHICH IS BETTER:

67. Lips or eyes - eyes

68. Hugs or kisses - hugs

69. Shorter or taller - taller

70. Older or Younger - older

71. Romantic or spontaneous - romantic

72. Nice stomach or nice arms - arms

73. Sensitive or loud - sensitive

74. Hook-up or relationship - relationship

HAVE YOU EVER:

76. Kissed a stranger - no

77. Drank hard liquor - yeah

78. Lost glasses/contacts - no

79. Had sex - yes

80. Broken someone's heart - I hope not

82. Been arrested - no

83. Turned someone down - yes

84. Cried when someone died - yes

85. Fallen for a friend - yes

DO YOU BELIEVE IN:

86. Yourself - most of the time

87. Miracles - not really

88. Love at first sight - no

89. Heaven - no

90. Santa Clause - no

91. Kiss on the first date - yes

92. Angels - no

93. How would you label yourself? - nerd

94. Someone You Pray Everyday For - no one?

95. Did you sing today - no

96. Who From All Your Ex's have You Cared The Most About - I haven’t technically dated anyone but probably Tyler

97. If you could go back in time, how far would you go? - I probably wouldn’t

98. Out Of Everything In The World What Do You Wish For - affection

99. Are you afraid of falling in love? - I’m afraid of someone not reciprocating

100. Do you like the way you look? - yeah, mostly

Actually ask me something. Anon or not.