#so theres some rambles ahead

[greenliar]

Miss your monster art </3

hey im glad to hear someone likes and misses my fanart! monster is still one of my favorite pieces of media ever, but right now im just trying to focus on more silly self indulgent art to fight art block so im not planning to revisit it for now

[arolesbianism]

I wanna take a crack at making some fake screenshot graphics for my Sif Odile duo loopers au but I do not feel confident enough in my ability to mimic isat's art style and I also have a crippling fear of drawing backgrounds

[puppppppppy]

footnotes arent enough I need you to talk to me like im fucking Amelia Bedelia

[ejsuperstar]

witch is so understandable, she is hard as hell, i love playing her but i also hate myself. inventor is my least fave gonna be real, hate having to lose my equipment >.>

Loud Bird is also such a real choice for least favourite enemy, hes a fucking nightmare to deal with, very good at what he does, which is cause suffering

Dicey Dungeons!! Game's ost is SO peak, i love it sm. (ALSO good choice on robot, its my fave to play too).

In contrast to the anon's question, whos your least favourite to play, and your least favourite enemy

It's SO good. Chipzel never misses.

Least favourite... I'm so sorry it might have to be witch? I am simply too stupid to understand her.

Least Favourite... mnnNN. Loud Bird and Gargoyle kinda drive me nuts sometimes haha

[shewritesforpoc]

body. ||mingi x you||mdni!

pairings : fwb!mingi x blackfem!reader

synopsis : you and your best friend fucked around one day, and now hes all you think about. what if he doesnt want you the same way you want him? youre mind, heart, and body are desperate to know.

warnings : s m u t , pwp, mentions of past sex, unprotected sex (wrap it up ho), friends with benefits to lovers, use of petnames (baby, princess, etc), creampie, oral (fem rec), love confession, fluff towards the end, lowercase intended, i used some random male idol names but it has nothing to do with them, rambling, mentions of squirting, implied orgasm denial, softdom!mingi, submissive asf! reader, it fr gets cheesy at the end, implied aftercare, mentions of soft choking (he placed his hand on your throat)this shit was filthy

a/n : sorry for late uploading. but we should be back on schedule! anyways thank you for all the likes and i hope you guys enjoy it!! this was heavily inspired by the song body by summer walker so i suggest listening to it! story under the cut ;)

i been all up in my phone, i got options.

youve been on several dates, some more successful than others. some ended in a kiss on the cheek, some ended in the sheets. you saved the numbers of the best ones.

jailen

hyunjin

taeyong

marcus

damn, thats it? you thought to yourself. “who should i call tonight?” you thought again.

somethin’ that makes me look at you too often. and baby you can give it somethin’.

hes been circling around your mind all day. you told him that after the first time, it wont happen again. he respected it. he came over at times and you guys chilled like friends normally do. but theres something about him, the way he slowly moved his hips when he was deep inside. the way he caressed your body. the way he made you feel was way beyond what anyone in your phone could make you feel. song mingi.

but you told him that it shouldnt happen anymore…maybe just a little touch? no, you’re talkin crazy now. oh goodness, the more you think of it, the more memories come back of the best night of your life, the more you craved him.

i need you all in my space, for now. i need it, baby im late but i can still check in with you.

you(r pussy) decided that you needed him. just for him to sit next to you. sure hes just your friend, a friend who gave you dick when you wanted to test the waters, now youre thinking he completely ruined you. he ruined it for everyone else. you need him in your space. so you called and asked him to come over for something “important”. he told you he’d be there in about 10 minutes.

it feels like 10 days when your waiting for something that you know you cant do without.

i know that i need my friend, but i wouldnt wanna leave.

mingi arrives at your place. of course not empty handed. he has some snacks and drinks. “hey you!” mingi says as he walks into your home. he side hugs you and sets the bags down. “hey! im so glad your here.” you say but the last part sounded more needy than anything. “so whats the important thing you told me to come over for? wanna snack while you talk about it?” mingi said. its his calm and caring nature that sets him apart from anyone else.

“oh uh, yeah lets go ahead and eat—well you go ahead while i talk about whats important.” you told him. its probably obvious by now but you were so full of adrenaline, you started to tremble slightly. you felt hot with anticipation. here goes nothing you suppose. “so remember that night we fucked?” you said suddenly. he was mid swallow when you said that. it caught him so off guard that he choked a bit. “jesus girl, you tryna kill me? but yes i remember…how can i forget.” he said smirking.

but my heart, my mind, and my body is sayin…

“i know i said it shouldnt happen again…” you trail off. at this point, the adrenaline is so high youre not even sure if youre in control of your body. it feels like your on autopilot. if it were anyone else, you wouldnt mind speaking your mind, but its him whos making this difficult. “yes?” he says. his deep voice pulling you out of your thoughts. “i need you. i want you. no one else can make me feel good. sex with you is amazing. my pussy doesnt cry for anyone but you. i dont know what you did to me. and its not even my pussy who wants you. im scared to say this, i dont want to lose our friendship but—.”

mingi kissed you to calm you down. you were so busy ranting that you didnt even notice he was close to you. “you want me baby? i want you too. im not saying that just to silence you, i actually want you. i want more than whats in your pants. i want your heart, mind, and body. would you give it to me, hm? lemme make you mine.” he said as he guided you to your room.

he laid you down and kissed you passionately. he kissed from your lips to your neck. as he took off your shirt and bra, he kissed and marked you down. he took your tits and kissed them, he licked and sucked on your nipples. you let out soft whines for more. “you like that princess?” he asked softly. you quickly nodded. “you want more?” he asked. you nodded again. “ah ah baby, use your words. tell me you want more.” he said as he held your throat. he didnt squeeze, he just held it.

“i want more! please, please min, give it to me!” you said out of desperation. by the time you were finished with your sentence, your pants were already on the floor, and he was faced with your pussy. “hm, youre so wet honey. i know you needed me, but i didn’t think you needed me this much.” he said while making eye contact. jesus, that mans stare is deadly. it makes your pussy leak some more.

he wastes no more time, and gives your sensitive clit and fat lick. one lick, then another, then another, then he closed his lips around it and started to suck gently. this made you immediately want to close your legs around his head. he held them open by locking his arms around them. “oh no baby, let me give you want you need.” his voice dripping with lust. he hadnt even started good yet but you were already closing your legs. he began to make out with your pussy. slipping his tongue in, youre tasting as sweet as honey. hes becoming drunk on you.

“f..faster..please min!” you moan out. he listens to you and licks on your clit, meanwhile he inserts one finger in you. just to get you ready for the “real thing” as he says. this made your body lift slightly off the bed. shortly after noticing how well you were taking it, he slid another finger. doing the come hither motion. hes so precise in what hes doing, hitting your g-spot effortlessly, you get closer to cumming faster than youd like. “oh my goodness min, i…i-m about to cum!” you moan loudly.

he only smirks as he brings you closer and closer. you feel yourself about to cum, its so hot. it feels so good it makes you close your eyes tightly, but it never comes. as you open your eyes, your breathing becoming stable again, you realize he stopped. “why?” you say out of breath. “dont question it honey.” he says as he licks his fingers. “to make you officially mine, you need to cum on this dick baby.” he said. this tone he had, it was adding fuel to your fire.

mingi gets off the bed to strip his clothes off. his toned muscles, the way he jerked his insanely erected dick, it was making your head spin with need. he climbs back in bed, and positions himself. he looks at you to make sure that your still good. there wasnt a single thought behind your dark eyes, but you managed to nod your head to let him know your ready.

he slides himself in slowly. the stretch wasnt too painful due to how wet you were. he felt bigger than last time. you closed your eyes in bliss, your mouth fell open and you let out a string of cuss words, and moans. him the same. “goddamn babygirl, youre so fuckin tight…fuck baby, they must’ve not done you right.” he said as he bottomed out. you couldnt even speak at this moment. all you think about was how delicious he felt inside you.

he started to rock his hips into you slowly, letting you savor the feeling. “feel me here? you feel my dick right here?” he said. he had one hand pressing slightly down on your belly. it felt like he was in your stomach. you couldnt do anything but moan and scream for him. “ah—fuck it feels….sososo good!” you managed to moan out. he started to pick the pace up, you were already close from how good he ate you up. no surprise that you were about to cum for him.

he knew you were close without you saying a word. your cries and screams were enough for him. “i—i…” you moaned. “i know baby…fuck—hold it for me. can you hold it for me? hold it so we can cum together?” he huffed out. it felt like mission impossible, the way that he was rocking, the fast pace, how deep he was. “no—i cant do it….i…i cant take…it—-fuck im gonna cum.” your noises were music to his ears. mingi couldnt lie, the way you sounded, felt, looked, smelled even…it was bringing him closer to his orgasm.

“okay baby…let go…cum on this dick baby! make it yours, make it—oh fuck make it yours honey.” he moaned. the quickness of his high took him by surprise. it didnt take but 2 more snaps of his hips before you were cumming hard. you mightve even squirt a little, it didnt matter in that moment. all you could do was ride the wave of your intense high.

you were outta breathe, legs were shaking, beautiful colored skin glistening with sweat, tears forming, this was the sight that did mingi in. “oh my fucking—god baby youre so—fuck m’cumming…oh fuck—shit!” he moaned as he stilled his hips in you. his cum coating your walls. his toned abdomen twitching, his skin feeling hot, his breathing was deep, his lower body would twitch as ropes of cum were coming out. mingi was a bit of a whimperer. it was sexy nonetheless.

he pulled out slowly, as to not overstimulate the both of you. he watched as your pussy was expelling the excess of his cum. it made his cock twitch, but he pulled himself away from the sight to go find a rag and clean the both of you up. he wiped the cum off his dick and your pussy. he helped you up, and you stripped the cum ruined bedding, soon after you were both dressed comfortably, you laid down and looked at the ceiling.

“i didnt wanna lose our friendship. i didnt wanna ruin it.” you said tiredly. “oh baby, it was ruined the first time we fucked. i was ruined, when i fucked a girl, i moaned your name instead of hers. thats how i knew i needed you more than just sex. i needed to be with you.” he said. he turned his body toward you, and spooned you. “same, so what are we?” you asked. “youre mine. youre my girlfriend, your heart is mine, your body is mine, your mind is mine. and im yours all the way.” he answered. it made you smile.

after that night, you deleted every number you saved. and he did the same.

did i eat down???

REQS ARE OPEN PLEASEEEEEE SEND ME SOMETHIN TO WRITE!!!!!!!!!!!!

©️shewritesforpoc on tumblr !! ⭐️💋

[neoncityrain]

rambling

ggg inspekta means a lot to me. big spoilers for great god grove ahead, play the game

edit bc i realized i should say this first. im apologizing for none of the actions in this game i simply want to dissect characters and watch them squirm in their petri dishes

i dont think cap was The Abuser to be clear. im not convincing anyone of anything, im rambling.

like idk, i know what its like to be isolated for months. i know what its like to only talk to select people someone else decides are good for you for months and only afterwards realizing just how much that fucked you UPPP. cap and inspekta were both BAD for each other, at least from what ive seen, and i cant help but sympathize on some level

this is not me being dramatic, either- summer breaks in school fucking sucked for me. no leaving the house, no speaking to anyone. inspekta was the newest god, how much of it did he spend spiralling because no one was there, i wonder? he PHYSICALLY COULD NOT step outside! THERES NOWHERE TO GO! hes the god of leadership!!! hes a god of leadership without visitors- is it any wonder he started to tie himself in knots?

i mentioned this to a friend of mine, but it could be quite possible that the gods embody their aspects whether they like it or not- you could take clicketys words as them actually understanding theyre wrong all along, sure, but another interesting thing is... if they DONT have control over it. narrating every action whether you like it or not, changing the weather with your mood whether you like it or not, seeing all of history whether you like it or not, making brambles grow whether you like it or not. so then almost all of what makes inspekta tick is severed? a leader turns to simply an overseer? how could he be the god of leadership when all he can do is watch?

and capochin..... ooooooh capo. oh i understand what its like to be manipulated and to lash out too! FUCK DUDE!!!! to be so desperate to be told youre doing good that youll do anything youre told? tearing peices of yourself to make someone else happy? hurting to just FIT IN?? GH. i get it i really do- and how can you not?

idk. emotions are messy and i like watching these fifty year old men dig themselves six feet deep and keep going. theyre so bad for each other i dont think either is completely innocent. i love it so much

[empyrealwinter]

So i went ahead with the Elder Scrolls au idea and have some sketches (sorry for the horrible picture quality i don't have any way to scan my art)

This'll just be me rambling about this idea :D Feedback is welcomed!

Scar as a bosmer just makes sense I'm not gonna lie. There's no real deep interesting though about why he would be. But I did want to add horns because its my favorite little bit of Bosmer lore and I want to see it more often.

Same thing goes for Mumbo and being a vampire, its a common head cannon. TES vampires are a little more interesting cause of their lore and the different variations to them.

Major spoilers for the background lore of TES and some for The Dawngaurd DLC of Skyrim

Grian on the other hand has a lot more meat to him. I've made him a deadric prince because of the whole watcher thing. Compared to the others I cave more idea's about his schtick, mostly cause I'd need to justify him being a literal god like being. Spoilers for if you don't know anything about the deadra or the creation story of the world in the TES franchise . I feel like he'd have a some what similar story to Meridia who is the deadric prince of light. The idea is that like her Grian would've been a Magne-Ge but unlike her chose to watch the creation of the mundas and stay rather than flee with Magnus and choosing to become a deadra. Sort of like a curiosity situation, instead of fleeing he chose to watch and be patron to the mortals of Nirn.

The last guy on the page is Etho who, I sorta struggled with finding a race for him. Thinking maybe a snow leopard Khajiit or just some regular dude and then I remembered there's a literal race of Snow elves in Skyrim. They falmer (snow elves) are a whole can of worms on their own considering there were only 2 living uncorrupted/not devolved falmer left, which show up in the dawngaurd dlc. So actually making a falmer based character is hard enough but theres only one set of snow elf armor in the game, with little to no references to clothing or cultural art. Which is unfortunate since every other race has documented history and culture or the player is physically able to do to the ruins. Still, Etho as a snow elf is a fun idea so I'm sticking with it

Not sure if I would want him to be a worshiper of Auri-El since that is the dominant and only known (at least for me but I don't think there's any other religions) religion of the snow elves.

That's honestly all I have fore now, hope its interesting

[twistedcollective]

autism rambles

headcanons i yapped to a friend (@herconfuse im so sorry buddy)

theres a shit ton, some tdas but most are metal family. also these are copy pasted from spacehey, in parts cause i hit the character limit. four times. if some make more sense reading them as a dm, thats why. im so autistic about this show bro.

tw for various types of abuse when talking about glam and his backstory and family, also superrr limited mention of sh there too

theres probably gonna be another part to this at some point

tdas: - mal acted like a villain for the show bc fans enjoy drama and on my LIFE chris is rigging votes based on fan popularity and who he personally likes. so mal was just being overdramatic so he could stay on longer. two steps ahead frfr (ok nikocado pack it up /silly) - vito x anne maria. idc that the show tries to make her look bad, those two are so cute and systems can date different people bro - mike x zoey, obv, but also svetlana x zoey. shes poly for her partner sys ur honor. also, bi zoey. and super supportive singlet zoey. idk i love zoey sm shes so sweet - dawn is pagan, probably works with gaia or some other version of mother earth - cameron is autistic as hell bro thats not even a headcanon thats basically canon atp. that boy has so much tism in him - B is transmasc (yes this is tdroti not tdas. shush.)

metal family: - i think dee listens to white girl music sometimes - he picked it up from ches, who would blare 2000s white girl bangers to annoy his mom during fights - gustav has been to prison and had his record cleared via shady payoff to the govt - mary was married to gustav via some sort of arranged marraige (possibly a forced taxes and traditional conservative values thing cause he absolutely would [i hate gustave with a passion]) - gustav died believing that glam got fully possessed by the devil during that one scene - glam gets nightmares about his dad and/or about becoming like his dad and hurting his wife and kids. his sleep schedule is still ass to this day - nobody knows the full extent of glam's childhood, not even ches - ches probably assumed glam's scars were self inflicted due to location, and he hasnt asked to clarify bc he doesnt really know how - hes absolutely noticed tho - lif and dee consider the rat their adopted son and his theme song is rats by ghost since they both canonically like that band - heavy prefers the metallica version of enter sandman, dee likes the ghost cover better - vicky listens to viking metal and aggressive sea shanties - glam would love chappel roan - ches would love sabrina carpenter - dee would unironically like taylor swift and would tell NOBODY - dee is not only a brony (canon), but also a furry. he has a fursona and a ponysona - dee would be a reality shifter but he doesnt believe it exists - dee does NOT like cats. heavy absolutely loves them. lif likes them, but also draws gore of them (not in an edgy way but she thinks the biology is neat and has an art style where it works) - lif sits in graveyards in her spare time

metal family part 2: - heavy is a theistic satanist, dee is an atheist (canon), lif is an atheistic satanist but likes theistic satanism quite a bit, glam is an atheist, vicky is a norse pagan, ches is in tune with the universe and just calls himself "spiritual, not religious" - dee writes fanfic - i love headcanons where dee is just an absolute fucking nerd cause its SO ACCURATE bro that boy is a GEEK - dee knows the basics of chemical warfare from his chemistry phase - he could and absolutely would nuke someone if he had good reason

metal family part 3: - dee is a controlled pyromaniac - dee steals from big businesses and never from small/independent ones, he taught heavy who only steals food (candy, drinks, etc) bc anything else makes him feel guilty - dee has a spacehey account - hes also very active on the dark web, and holds a paywall on hacker services for people - he has sent things to people who wanted him to hack for shitty reasons. by things, i mean animals. not alive ones. also, small pipe bombs that arent quite deadly but will still hurt pretty damn badly - dee will jailbreak people's school devices, for a fee - hes such a con artist except hes not cause he actually pulls through - his stalker thing with lif was purely genetic, idk how but it was (see: glam stalked vicky too) - both relationships are super healthy tho dwdw - heavy cant work the internet without dees help, but is very active online where hes allowed to be - dee is a dipper personality type, heavy is a mabel personality type, and lif channels bill cipher without the,, yknow,, pure insanity - that one pink haired girl whos name i cant remember is super nice but super sheltered from alt subcultures and queer people, think caitlyn from my creative writing class (ik you dont know her)

metal family part 4: - lif had a dsmp phase and was an e girl in 2020 - she also has a scene phase shortly after - goth isnt her only style but its def her main and shes super good at the makeup and also the dancing - heavy would pierce someone for enough money - dee would give people tattoos at school for money, but he refuses to do stick and poke so he cant (doesnt have a machine) - lif draws art commissions online - dee and lif are both huge creepypasta enjoyers and have loads of ocs - heavy knows the basic ones (jeff the killer, toby, ben drowned, etc) - heavy and dee would write and produce films with shitty production quality thatre somehow really good and post them on youtube - dee takes college level classes and is aiming for his two-year by graduation (omg look its ollie projecting onto his fav characters again) - glam is pan, dee is demiromantic ace, heavy is straight as a fucking board, vicky is straight but was bicurious at one point cause lesbians absolutely love her (anna has a one sided crush one her rip), ches is gay but doesnt date much anyways, lif is bi with a preference for girls (although technically she has a preference for dee) - lif had a pink and girl phase in elementary, complete with the justice and claires stuff - lif is a demigirl (our lif is transfem i think iirc)

[casually-salad]

THE CUTIE POX CHRONICLES, CHAPTER TWO.

one.

this video was nearly 3 months of work, retelling the first chapters from the perspectives of ponies we may have not gotten to see before. Then... we get to see a bit of chapter three. Ill save the rambling for under the cut but there are some flashing lights near the end of the video! please enjoy and come back to read under the cut when your done!

happy birthday cutie pox chronicles.

hi welcome to under the cut. I hope yall enjoyed! this is the end of chapter two as you may guess. im going to be taking a month/two month long break after i get a recap for chapter one uploaded. now there is a lot i want to say...

first? i never exspected to get the attention i have with this series. ive made friends, made mutuals with a lot of people i never would have exspected to... my regular normal art has been doing numbers i never could have imagined before like - i have at least 4 drawings that have over 100 notes and a year ago i couldve never really imaged getting that. i want to give a special thanks to all of you, all of your love, all of your words... on hard nights i go through the comments, through the notes and just read everything. it really means so much to me. Yall may have noticed... I got really, realllllly burnt out around the comic "an unlikely union." and it got really hard for me to finish comics unless i was doing them in one sitting which is. CRAZY and still how i finished that last 21 page comic. anyway. there is still so, so much to this comic, and i cant wait to get into the real meat of it next chapter. I have 3 written works planned which i wont be working on for a month or two so i dont make myself more burnt out because i have 3 other stories i need to finish LOL.

now. um. lets get into something silly. i accidentally animated tooooo mcuh and theres a lot more panels from this i will go ahead and share. this contains fragments from chapter three, and this isnt even ALL of what i drew, i just redid like half of my sketches.

this isnt all of them, if anypony wants to see more ill share more ok? thank you <3 but fr i hope yall have enjoyed this story, this animation, and wont mind waiting for more.... i will admit, sometimes it does get really intimidating now that were getting closer to the end like... not a lot of aus get finished. what if i mess it up? what if yall dont like what i have planned? what if i blow up and die or something???????? ill def be taking things slower for now on, as much as i loved having one comic out a week or more, it was a lot on me. but idk what else there is to say! feel free to stick around for more or leave and come back when i start posting about this au again!

when i start working on it ill post about it and yall DONT FORGET it is interactive you can tell me WHO you wanna see first!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

okay i love you all bye bye

[porter-pumpkim]

more rambling!

as mentioned in a post from before ii 16 came out, I've always thought mephone4 was in his teens, around 14 or 16 at most, mostly because if I'm remembering right (still gotta rewatch season 1) then mephone did mention he was 1 in season 1, and each season takes a few years, so he'd likely only be in his teens physically,

Not to say I think he's some tiny clueless baby, he runs an entire damn show, plus he's a robot who automatically came with most basic knowledge besides the social part of things, so mental wise he is further ahead than a non robot, kinda like how physically bot is like 1 but mentally they were created to copy bow, so they're definitely mentally around their 20's or something,

mepad is also pretty young considering he didn't even wake up until after mephone got away from cobs, yet mentally this guy is definitely an adult, and even more mature than mephone himself, mepad also didn't have the same trauma that definitely impacted mephone,

Theres also the fact that digital product wise he's actually really old, think about it, it's based on real phones and appke products, and we'd consider an iPhone4 to be decently old by now even though physically it's not that old, there's many phones younger and newer than mephone4, he's likely got siblings that are barely 1 year old right now he doesn't even know about, so phone age wise he's the equivalent of someone in their dang 30's by now, so physical age wise he's young, but product timeline wise he's decently old,

Not saying I'm correct, at the end of the day it's a show and this us just my thoughts on it, also robot ages always get confusing tbh- the Fandom is free to think what they think, weather you think the robots are kids, teens, or adults,

[grapejuicestyless]

i have had this idea for so long, but i really think you could do this justice. sort of like the film the holiday!!! but not really set in Christmas and more so through the seasons. harry moves out of the city (doesn’t need to be a singer and could just be a CEO) into a small village in a lovely cottage where all of the furniture is mismatched and there’s sash windows which are always open. He’s there for a few months before he starts to feel lonely so decides to bring in a lodger! He hand makes posters and puts them on the village hall board and … he finally gets a taker! It’s a quirky girl who is totally all over the place and she moves in .. the seasons change and so does their relationship.. friends to lovers OR ACTUALLY maybe it could be so interesting for it to be enemies to lovers! That could be fun to write. But idk I’ve been thinking about it for so long !!! They could organise a dinner party for friends one night or maybe Harry goes away to the city for a meeting and that’s where y/n realises how much she misses him / likes him. Definitely has to be fluffy but also needs to have some drama. I haven’t figured that out yet 😭😭😭 I’m so sorry for this really long rambly post but I wanted to give u as much of my brain as possible lol. I would LOVE LOVE LOVE to see what you would do with this / if it’s something you’re even interested in. Have a gorgeous evening / day / morning xxx love you!!💖💖💖💖💖

Bad People

Harry Styles x fem!reader

Summery: Harry and Y/n met by pure luck. Sharing secrets and laughing like little kids, ribs and cheeks hurting. Y/n is sure Harry is destined to be in her life forever. She’s just not sure when that became a bad thing.

FLANGST/FRIENDS TO ENEMIES TO LOVERS

The pale blue sky looked gray from certain windows. The glass was cracked and the stove stained with boiled over soup broth and old sprinklings of spices.

The birds sang solemnly, humming the tune to what I believed sounded like something you’d hear at a funeral. Here, the pavement was cracked and the stars were consistently covered with clouds. Snow, more often than not, fell heavily. From October to April. The nearby ocean nearly always too cold to swim in. The backyard pool cold and clean, still with nobody to inhabit it.

All the beauty ripped from the earth, and replaced with another kind of it. I wouldn’t mind it half as much, if I had someone to enjoy the snow with. To enjoy the polar plunges, the visible breath and numb fingers.

Like old times sake, snowmen and snowball fights. Sledding or fort making. Rosy cheeks and icy hair a memory of the past. Cheeks hurting from smiles, not the winter chill.

The laughter of my mother was long gone, and my brother outgrew his desire for a sibling as soon as he turned sixteen. Few friends, not any at least, that would enjoy the activities the white powder offered.

So now, I look out the window, nursing a glass of wine propped up on the windowsill. I don’t see the snow day ahead or pray for a white Christmas. I pray that one day, I’ll find someone to enjoy it with me. To soothe the pain little eight year old me suffered with the absence of her father, her distant mother and her selfish brother.

“Looking at it won’t make it fall any faster, Y/n.” The puff of air coming from my nose fogs up to cool glass, and my fingers leave prints along the center.

He’s not looking at me, he rarely does when we aren’t fighting. It’s like I disgust him. I feel like a fool every god damn time.

“Have you always naturally been an asshole or did you grow into it?” I don’t look at him, but I feel his gaze settle on my reflection in the glass. His voice alone urges me to take a large drink from the wine glass. The ruby red staining my top lip. I spread it around and taste the bitterness of it on my tongue.

He begins to leave, almost succeeding without a passing glance, but biting his tongue is something Harry nor I have ever been able to do. So it’s natural how he goes for the last word.

“Theres only so much wine, Y/n.” He teases. I down the rest while he walks away. The sigh that leaves my mouth after I feel the ghost of him leaving me isn’t only for air, but because suddenly the room feels lighter.

It’s funny, how someone so special can leave such a disgusting taste in your mouth. Hatred doesn’t just happen. It creeps, seeps, saturates. It’s a pesky little thing that starts small until finally you can’t ignore how bothered you are. It’s vile and cruel. A poisonous little thing that no one is immune to. It’s a sad yet funny thing. To remember that it wasn’t always like this. I didn’t always hate my old friend, bounded to me through the home we share. I once enjoyed the company of Harry styles.

It was nearly a year since I’d moved in. A year since the snow turned to thick ice and roads became bare with people too afraid to try and navigate through the harsh winter.

Nearly a year since I first saw the house at the end of the road, with a neat front lawn and a tree with hanging branches ready to snap.

A red scarf and red mittens is what I wore. With a faded brown coat and worn blue jeans. A hat on top of my head and a journal tucked underneath my arm. He had the greenest eyes I had ever seen. The stars in the night sky didn’t quite shine as bright as his eyes, I swore it to myself.

He had an english accent, one that I wasn’t familiar with. Peach fuzz and dark chocolate curls a mess on his head. When I told him my job, he laughed, but something about his shocked expression after told me he didn’t mean it cruelly. Rather, that he was shocked, or just piecing the puzzle together.

“I’m my mother’s daughter.” I told him, “She always had a thing for poetry. The sappy ones with the tragic endings. I got it from her and I’m damn good at it.” I smiled at him then, and he smiled back bigger.

“It’s just funny. Moving somewhere so quiet for a job all about fantasy and adventure.” He explained, already guiding the two of us through the wide doorway. I set my boots in the old entryway which it seemed he had turned into a mud room. I admired the shade of green on the wall and nodded along. My cheeks hurt from smiling.

That night, while settling into my new space, I shared with him my life. My goals and dreams. With his toothy smile and boyish eyes, he made it so easy to trust him. I sat on my newly made bed and he sat in my spinning chair by my desk. Moving it back and forth, swaying slowly. A cigarette started dangling from his pocket, I still remember the way he took it between his thumb and his index finger. Rolling it around, debating whether or not to light it. It was like he didn’t know he had it.

“I didn’t take you for a smoker.” I laughed at him, he laughed back. Shy almost, only looking at me for a moment.

“M’not. A few here and there. Helps to wind down.” When he ran his hand through his hair, I remember seeing all his rings. A rose and two with his initials. One looked like a lion. That one was my favorite.

Other than his charming smile and infectious laughter, I knew nothing of him, I had come to realize. Here he was, knowing about my family and friends. My job and my hobbies. All I had asked him was his name.

When I asked him, he was just as talkative as I was. A sparkle in his eyes when he talked about his job. I remember specifically, how they lit up extra bright when he mentioned his mother, Anne, and his older sister, Gemma. I learned about his job too. Harry had everything he could ever truly want. The money, the power, the glory. His office at the top floor overlooking the bustling city that never sleeps. Families dancing around the square and traffic backed up into the city line.

The sad thing was, that even with all this pride he got to carry with his reputation, the city was no home to him. The summer held no comfort. Not the same now that he was long out of school. The heat was simply uncomfortable. His lavish suit sticking to his skin. Even the air conditioner couldn’t soothe the pounding of his head against the strong New York heat.

His nose stung in the summer. The warmer it got, the worse it smelled. Garbage littering the streets no longer covered by thick snow. Tourists and their children filling up all his favorite places of relaxation. Each carrying their own scent from home. The calming pine from the North or the tangy citrus of the west coast.

Harry felt no true love for his home anymore. No real attachment. There was no smell of home, and there certainly wasn’t any old faces with their gravelly voices and thick accents. If it weren’t for the business there, he would’ve fled somewhere else long ago. Somewhere quieter. Somewhere that felt like home. If he could, he would have tucked himself back into the small home his mother raised him and his sister in. He would’ve curled up happily in his twin bed and looked out the same crooked window each night and feel happy with only that.

He tells me that when he got in the car waiting for him at the airport, he was tempted to tell the driver to take him home, to see if it would make him smile. He’d seen the gag used in all the old rom-coms he and his mother used to watch. The short blonde running from the love of her life only to be led back into his arms. But Harry know’s better. He tells me so. So when the driver asks him where to, he tells him the address.

He told me about his work life. How there was a branch out in the UK. The one that started it all. And as his success grew, so did his aspirations and his needs. London no longer provided him with the luxury and opportunity that New York could. So he swapped out his office for a penthouse and acted like the smell of burning garbage and mysterious wet spots on the sidewalks didn’t bother him.

It’s a vicious cycle. To outgrow, to long for, to move, to hate all over again. Thats how he decided that London has just what he needed. His business within reach and smaller towns surrounding its borders.

“And what about now? Are you happy?” Harry crinkled his eyes then, smiling a nodding along. He didn’t even mind it then, when I would interrupt. In fact, he welcomed it. Claimed he loved hearing me talk.

I agreed with him when he said that the grass is greener down here. The stars are just that much brighter and theres not a single car honking their horn past nine. All things that left him feeling a whole lot calmer than the chaos of the city.

Here, Harry told me he didn’t mind not living in a lavish penthouse just a few blocks away from his work. Here, he was hours away from the city. He stays in a medium sized cape cod styled house, pre-decorated from the past owners who didn’t care to take their things when they left for something bigger. It sticks out from the rest of the homes nearby. He wonders how something so different ended up within the same area. And he smiled and sat on the floor when I laughed and told him he’d already lived quite the life for a nearly-thirty year old man.

When silence took over after over an hour long conversation, I bit at my nails and looked at the floor. Suddenly, it came to me.

“Harry?” I had asked. He hummed, looking at me. Even if I hadn’t looked back, I could still feel his eyes on mine. “What made you want a roommate?” When my eyes flickered up to his, I saw no hate, or disgust, or shame. Nothing that I am familiar with now in Harry’s eyes. I saw curiosity, warmth and happiness.

“I like the quiet. I like being able to sleep without someone yelling down the hallway. I like how green it is over here.” I nodded, waiting for him to continue. “But the quiet get’s lonely. And while I like the quiet, I hate being alone.” And it made me smile back then. Maybe it still does thinking about it know. He had been helping me in finding a home, some place warm to stay. Meanwhile, I had been able to give back. Give him what he wanted. At the time, my heart warmed.

For a long time after that, Harry made my heart beat fiercely. He brought me flowers and made us pancakes. Freshly picked blueberries from the local market. He cracked jokes and I repeated them back between our broken laughter, imitating his english accent.

He was a charming man, with an energy that invited and kept you drawn to him. Everyone wanted to be around Harry. The men and the women. Always wanting a piece of the pie. I felt rich in life, that while others had to work for a lifelong friendship with him, naturally, we fit together. We worked.

He entered my life by some kind of coincidence. I needed a place to stay and he was offering a room up.

When he brushed his thumb over my knuckles and kissed the skin, I believed we would be like this forever. Just the two of us.

When he whispered to me that he loved me that same night, I thought it was something he would never take back. Something that would never change. His warm breath and glistening eyes. He was red and shiny. A bottle of the cheap champagne sat on the table and an empty glass beside him. I let his lips trail around my hand and laugh at his antics.

“Harry.” I mumbled into the darkness, he doesn’t move. I silently giggle again after he puffs air out of his own nose onto my hand playfully. His shoulders shake with his own fits of laughter, “Harry.” I call out again, and my eyes are met with his dazzling emerald ones. I almost got lost, forgot how to talk looking at him.

My palms were sweaty with nervousness then. My heart beating out of my chest. I wanted more than anything to tell him everything. As a poet, it should have been easy to put my thoughts out in the open air. But they hadn’t sat within me for long enough to curate a straight forward answer.

How would I even manage to start on how beautiful I thought his brown hair was? Perfectly colored like milk chocolate treats that curled over his forehead. Or his toothy grin which pulled butterflies from the pit of my stomach and made me feel lighter? I couldn’t find just one thing to focus on. And the words that came out of my mouth tumbled out quickly.

“You’re my best friend.” I hoped that he would’ve been able to see how much love I held for him in my face. How even in the dim lighting of only the fireplace and the fading lamp in the corner, he could see how they sparkled just for him.

He pulled his hand away after that, clearing his throat and nodding. But he smiled so softly after that I didn’t see how his eyes welled up with tears. I only saw his perfectly pink lips and his rosy cheeks. For once, I wasn’t focused on his eyes, and I paid the price.

He never made pancakes for us after that night. Nor did he ever pick flowers from the fields or crack jokes until our stomachs hurt. My hand was never slotted between his and my head didn’t rest on top of his shoulders. He was colder, more distant. Quiet.

But the quiet grew old for us both. And the slipping away hurt more than anything I’d ever experienced. I was everyone else in his life. Fighting for a spot in the light so he would see me, smile at me, acknowledge me.

Part of me wondered why he never asked me to leave. To pack my bags and find another innocent man to love because he wouldn’t tolerate it anymore. But he never did. Harry hated being alone and I knew better than anyone else. I knew it because I was his best friend at some point. We shared the same breaths and drank from the same glasses. I wore his shirts and he used my hair clips. He kept me around not because he still wanted me, but because he still needed me. And the realization of it all hurts worse than the silence because it’s then I know that I’ve really lost him. It leaves me with the question, ‘What have I done to deserve this?’

I think back on that night when our world shifted on its axis and I go over every word that was said. I check for any signs of discomfort or anger and I find nothing. It plagues me with a new insecurity.

Maybe it wasn’t something I’d said, maybe it wasn’t something I’d done. Maybe the warmth from the champagne grew cold in his blood and the false euphoria from it all cleared from his peripheral vision and he realized that I was no longer enough. I was not what he wanted. The idea of his roommate becoming his only friend too pathetic for a man with such power.

Soon after, I stop putting up a fight. I stop fighting for a spot in his life and I stop trying to win back a man that was never mine. I figured at least if he could never be mine and I would never be his, at least I still got to see his pretty face everyday. And I could imagine that we never drifted.

I wake in the night, I pace like a ghost. The tears running down my cheeks are hot, burning my skin until my throat dully aches and my chest is red with flakes of nail polish and the dragging of my nails clawing at my chest.

I am sobbing, broken and tired. I dream of a life that is not as miserable. I dream of a life where I no longer doubt the things I love. Where I don’t have to question my friend’s loyalty.

He knocks on my door, leaning against it in only his flannel pants. He has tattoos that compliment his skin so well. He looks like a painting. I’m relieved to see him again. Even if it’s under these circumstances.

I wait for him to speak, even if it’s merely a mumble. Even if I cannot understand.

“Can you stop crying? I can’t sleep.” He requests. My lips part and I swear my lungs collapse within my chest. I can’t breathe and somehow I remain composed.

“Okay.” I say quietly, nodding along and trying to find his eyes. They look at the floor, and his face is contorted like it pained him to say that to me. Like it was against his will. But he doesn’t even look at me.

When he leaves, I collapse, shoulder shaking with rage, sadness, confusion instead of the contagious laughter that once rang out through the halls.

I decide then, July moon shining through the sash windows of my room that I couldn’t continue holding onto Harry. My heart still beats for him and my eyes still sparkled when his own lingered for just a moment longer on me, but I couldn’t like him.

Hatred doesn’t just happen. It creeps, seeps, saturates. It’s a pesky little thing that starts small until finally you can’t ignore how bothered you are. It’s vile and cruel. A poisonous little thing that no one is immune to. It’s a sad yet funny thing.

After that night, his selfish wishes turn to bitter comments which turn to vicious attacks at my confidence. And my resilience and devotion to silence, to ignore the cruelty of it all is worn thin. My bitten tongue is freed and I am betrayed by my own words. My own comments targeted at his deepest hurts. It’s a mutual hate between us, a mutual dislike.

We live within the same four walls, the same windows and creaky roof over our heads. We cook in the same kitchen and we sit on the same couch, but we cannot stand each other anymore. The house is no longer filled with love, and the warm heat turns to bitter cold. And yet, neither of us have the guts to leave.

We sit here, in a life thats so mean to us just because we are afraid of the loneliness that is surely to come with the other’s absence.

We are here, but we aren’t present. It makes me laugh, it makes me wonder.

Who could ever leave me? But who could stay?

The candles burned down to the floor, wax melting over the wood as the lights set a warm, homely mood for the night. The late December rush throughout the town turned to the few and far between searching for last minute supplies to ring in the new year. It’s peacefully still outside, and the dining room looks so nice I forget why the candles burn and our nicest plates are set out.

Harry insisted on having a small gathering with some of our friends to celebrate the new year before he went away for sometime for work. Being roommates, despite our lack of interest in establishing our own friendship, his friends become my friends and mine become his. It’s a fairly large group that was once two. But have now become so closely intertwined that it seems hard to differentiate who was friends with who first.

There was wine, pastas and breads. Hams and potatoes. Drinks and endless desserts. It felt nice, to have all those people we cared so deeply about chip in and help to create such a lovely meal for the few of us.

Hearing that first doorbell ring to see all of our friends stood proudly on our crooked doorstep made my heart flutter. Sarah, Mitch, Pauli, Elin, Charlotte, Nyoh. All holding various foods to add to the never ending supply on the multiple tables set in a row.

“Harry! Y/n!” The enthusiasm from our friends seemed to lighten the mood, letting the heavy feeling of heated arguments and constant anger slip down my back and into the farthest part of my brain.

It was times like these where I’d forget how to hate. How to spread anger and disgust to someone who clearly showed none of it in return in these times. Here, Harry was talkative. Always plastering on a fake smile and wave.

He was good at pretending. And while the walls of the house had seen a different story, those around us were innocent, forever unknowing of how Harry constantly belittled me, bothered me. Of how I was no better. How my tongue was sharp and my words shot to kill.

Nobody minded the difference in height of the dinning room table against the kitchen table. How one was round and the other a rectangle. Both covered by one long table cloth. Nobody minded the soft music in the background or how the light wasn’t the brightest. The soft flickers never mentioned.

We let the candles burn until they had nothing left to give, and we ate until it was bare and our stomachs hurt. Here, I never felt like I was trapped. Here, I remembered why I came to live with Harry in the first place. And I was thankful. It was times like these I couldn’t help smiling like an idiot. Cheeks sore and eyes crinkling. I would laugh at just about anything, trust anyone and agree with everything.

“When are you going to tell him?” An elbow to the ribs pulled my gaze from the end of the table, my smile dropping for only a moment at the sudden shock.

“Sorry?” I mumbled softly into Sarah’s ear. Her eyes glimmered with something mischievous, like she knew something that I didn’t. She licked her pink lips and looked briefly back to the end of the table. All the way over by the dining table, sat a few feet away and a couple inches higher, was Harry. Laughing and talking with Pauli and Elin about anything and everything. I couldn’t quite make it out over the soft chatter of Mitch and Charlotte and the clinking of forks on plates.

“Harry!” She called softly. When my eyebrows furrowed she rolled her eyes, sighing heavily.

“I don’t get it.” Forking another bite of vegetables into my mouth, I watched her fight for the right words to say. Her lips finally settling on the soft smile I knew very well.

“Don’t play dumb, Y/n. I know that look. Better than anyone. Thats how I look at Mitch.” She playfully nudged my shoulder. Did she believe that I held any romantic feelings for Harry? I couldn’t, it was impossible. Right?

His rude remarks and his mean demeanor. Sure, at one point my heart beat for the brunette with an infectious smile and shiny green eyes, but now it was a memory of the past. Another pretty face who had thrown away all of his charm and care and exchanged with unwavering cruelty.

“Oh, no. Sarah, I don’t think about him that way.” I tried to wave her off, trying to sound the least amount disgusted by her assumption. I couldn’t help but wonder why she thought that.

“I don’t believe you.” She sounded smug, crossing her hands on my thigh and giggling. “You don’t have to. I believe myself.” Brushing her off, I take another bite of any remaining scraps on my plate. Trying to avoid conversation.

“Come on, you seriously don’t see it?” She sounded exasperated now, even more so when I nodded carelessly. She was getting tired of my avoidance to the conversation, my disinterest in her false discovery. Still, the longer she pushed, the more I felt the heat rush to my face. The more my cheeks burned and my skin tingled.

“I’m serious, Sarah. I don’t look at him in anyway. He’s just my roommate. Nothing more, nothing less.” I lean back, volume brought down to a mere whisper with the dying laugher at the other end of the table.

“Well, he’s your friend at least, right?” The lump in my throat was unswallowable. With the growing tightness in my throat and the clamminess of my palms. I wanted nothing more than to slip away and pretend this never happened. So, I bite my tongue and nod, eyes flickering to Sarah while I do so. I pray that she doesn’t see the tears welling in the corners and how glossy they’ve gotten in such a short period of time.

“Yeah, he’s my best friend.” The lie stings, burning as it comes out. Partially because I hate lying to my dear Sarah, but mainly because at some point it was the truth.

Harry was my everything at one point in my life. He might as well have hung the damn moon and stars. I thought the world of him, wanted nothing more than to feel his arms wrapped around mine all the damn time. And it killed me that we’d gotten so far away from that idea that I had to lie about even being acquainted with him.

“Word of advice.” She started, eyeing Harry carefully. My eyes remained glued to the table, fork wobbling between my pointer finger and my thumb. “Best friends don’t look at each other that way.” And when she finished what she wanted to say, I swear my heart just about stopped. All color draining from my face and my eyes rapidly blinking away the tears by now.

Setting my fork down, I ignore her playful smile and the nudge of her shoulder into mine. I look for another face to converse with, to make me begin to forget everything I was trying so desperately to escape. When I search the table, it seems like each person has found themselves in deep conversation with the other. All but one.

And his green eyes capture mine in a way I haven’t known in so long. I’d forgotten what it was like to be the center of his gaze. How thrilling it was. With my eyes, glossed over and heart beating through my chest, it seemed impossible for me to ever consider looking away. His chocolate brown curls and sweet pink lips in a gentle smile. It was consuming and alluring. Irresistible even.

A face that once disgusted me, shattered my heart, angered me and knocked me down with no air left to breathe seemed not all that frightening anymore. And the warmth that spread in my chest scared me more than anything.

I begin to realize, maybe Sarah was right. Maybe that was why I hated him so much. I didn’t hate Harry Styles. And thats why it hurt just that much more. I didn’t hate him at all, in fact. No, rather my poor heart couldn’t handle the heartbreak and deflected in the most malicious way possible. I missed my best friend.

“Y/n.” Sarahs voice pulls me from my haze, and my eyes are flickering over to hers quickly. Lips still parted and eyes still wide.

“You’re crying.” I hadn’t felt the salty heat dripping down my cheeks until she announced it. My skin too numb from embarrassment to even understand what was happening.

My tongue is tied, and my throat is killing me. I feel like I might vomit if I stay here any longer. I can’t be here any longer, I can’t do it. Not when I’ve just realized what I did. I feel what I felt all those months ago when Harry told me to stop crying. When he shut me out for good and became bitter. I feel all air leave my lungs and my knees wobbling. I am going to collapse.

“I just need air.” I say all too loudly, pushing out the chair clumsily and stepping back. The loud scratch of the wooden legs of the wooden floors turns heads and my heavy breathing tells me to get the hell out.

I pardon myself after that, waving off any concern from Sarah, and making sure nobody else saw my escape. Everyone’s still deep into conversation when I turn the corner. All but Sarah and Harry. But neither of them make a move to reach me. I let myself collapse on my bed, mascara running down my white sheets and back aching from how stiff I became at that table. I silently pray that I’ll sleep through the rest of winter.

When the dinner got cold and we’d all run out of things to say, we all look around and silently agree to part ways. It was nice to have some company, I enjoyed being around these people so much. My heart should have been full, yet it felt heavy and empty all at the same time. Littered with a guilt I wasn’t even sure was mine.

I’d seen the way she looked at me. Really looked at me. Glossed over eyes and a quivering lip. She was red with the rush of adrenaline in her blood. Anyone could see how quickly she began to breathe. It was like she was stuck, consumed by something so strong that it left her powerless, weak, crumbling quickly under an undetermined pressure. She started to cry, biting back a sob by biting harshly into her bottom lip, eyes shaking while she searched my face. I couldn’t help but wonder what had happened. Who had said what, and how I could help her.

I wanted to yell at whoever hurt her this bad. And the feeling of that in itself was unsettling. How my heart still longed to comfort, protect the heart of the girl who once shattered my own with her own words. More than that, I wanted to scream when nobody followed her when she ran. How nobody cared nearly enough about why she was so upset.

I couldn’t understand why I was so invested in her. Someone I was sworn to hate. Someone I had teased and fought for months and let hurt me constantly in retaliation.

But then again, we were no better than one another. We never were. Always saying too little and not opening up quite enough. Creating issues instead of solving problems. We were explosive, nobody could hurt me quite like she could and yet, I felt horrible that she was so upset.

Like the day I’d found her pacing restlessly across the floor. Skin blotchy and eyes puffy with tears. Throat sore with the violent sobs ripping through them. I’d wanted to hold her then too, but I was too bitter to do anything but tell her to quiet down. I felt the same guilt in my bones. And I make the same mistakes I made the first time. I watch her break down and sit with the uneasiness of it all.

Mitch lays a hand over my shoulder, his other arm wrapped around Sarah as he leads her through the door. His eyes look sad and tired. But his smile is genuine and filled with concern.

“Check on Y/n for us okay? Sarah thought it would be best to leave her be for now.” His hand left my shoulder and the door shut quickly after. Leaving me with the unbearable silence and loneliness I felt so frequently nowadays. It breaks down my walls and scares the shit out of me.

Maybe thats why I make my way to the kitchen, shuffling slowly along the floors and leaning slowly over the makeshift tables. A bottle of rouge in one hand, a pack of cigarettes in the other. I stuff them in my pocket and hold the bottle close to my side.

I’m slow, delaying the inevitable question. When I knock on the door, it’s quiet. Almost like I’m hoping that if it’s soft enough, she won’t hear and I can pretend she was ignoring me. But, she does hear me, and she calls out a raspy, muffled welcome, signaling for whoever was hidden behind the door to come through and take in her puffy eyes and wet cheeks.

My throat tightens when I smell her perfume. Something that I would have drowned in not so long ago. She has clothes thrown on a chair in the corner, the same one I sat in so many months ago. I’m tempted to push them off and just sit in the silence with her like we once enjoyed doing.

Her head is in her pillow and her arms are underneath her. She is unaware of who she has let in, but her silence and unmoving body tells me she’s lost all ability to care. I want to leave. I want to turn around and convince myself it was all a mistake. I’d checked on her and she was still alive and well. I’d done my part and I could go on guilt free and forget about how crushed she’d looked just hours before.

When I begin to turn on my heels and pray for this day to be over, I see something unforgettable. A small Polaroid from last year. Just weeks after she’d moved in and charmed me with her beauty and whit. She’s sat with her legs over my lap and my arms around her body. We couldn’t be any happier, and the memory makes my chest sting.

She still cared enough to keep up the old memories of us, even after all the fights and mean glares. Why did she have to keep the damn photo up?

Guilt consumes me once again, and I am faced with the sad woman in front of me, still in the same place as before and just as sad as before. My feet betray my mind, and soon I am stood beside her bedside table with a bottle of wine dangling between my pointer finger and my middle finger.

The glass knocks against her shoulder in a silent invitation. My eyes wordlessly asking her to follow. Her eyes are red, and her lips still shake. She looks completely torn apart, desperate and distraught. Disheveled even. But for some reason in my blurry head, all I can think about is how absolutely beautiful she is in the pale moonlight.

“Come on.” I ask her softly, offering her my hand. When she takes it, she’s nodding already. Trusting a man who deserves no second chances, no trust whatsoever for his cruelty and his inability to communicate. But she follows regardless.

I can’t help but realize how having her so close feels good.

He lights the cigarette for me and watches as I let it burn. My lips twitch as they wrap around the end, tasting the bitterness of its contents and the dry paper.

“How did we end up here?” I ask him, looking over the horizon. The waves are calming over here. They almost silence the ringing in my ears, despite the distance between where we sit, feet dangling over the empty pool edge and the large grass behind it.

He shrugs, snagging the cigarette from my hand delicately and taking a long drag from its end. We swap, my hands wrap around the neck of the wine bottle. It’s tinted green and nearly full.

“Unlucky people, I guess.” He looks at his feet. They dangle in the pool beside mine. You can see just how close we are in the turquoise tint. How the lights make us look less vibrant.

“I wouldn’t consider us unlucky.” I look at the sky, and I can feel his eyes on my face. It makes me swallow, how intense his gaze is. It almost makes it feel that much more real.

“Why’s that?” He asks, twisting the bud out on the cement. It stains the freshly cleaned grey stone an ashy black, but I bite my tongue.

“We had each other. Maybe we aren’t the best people, maybe we’re cruel, but I’d rather argue than live in solitude, right? Company can’t be bought. Even the most painful of it. That’s something real. Something without a price. And we’ve got it.” And it’s true. We fight and we throw shit. We stain the walls and rip the curtains. We start fires and try to blame the other. We make a mess and make amends. But a house isn’t a home without someone to share it with. And at least if we had to suffer to get there, we got it.

“Thats some of your poet shit.” He laughs sadly into the silence, looking at his feet. I laugh along, though I can tell he was only half joking. Then, I let the silence wash back over us. Forgetting how we almost had a full conversation.

“I’m not a bad person. I don’t know why I’m so mean.” He says sincerely. It’s sudden too. I can tell from the rawness in his voice. How his eyes tear up and his lips quiver. His voice cracks. Our feet hang off the edge of the backyard. It’s a quiet life. Even now. With our fights and all the fraud. But it’s never a lonely life, and we only have each other to thank for it.

I want to tell him I know, and I’m so sure of it. I’ve seen the real him, we might just not mesh together. But we once had, and that fact alone holds me back. He takes the lack of response and an opportunity to excuse himself. Pulling his body up by the arms and grunting through the sliding back door. I sit alone in the backyard for hours, body curling up into itself and layers of clothing becoming less than enough after some more time.

“I know.” I whisper into the silence. I know he’s not a bad person, I know it so well and I am so certain of it. I knew Harry once. He’s loyal and kind and the smartest man I’d ever met. And I miss knowing him like that so much.

I thought for a second tonight, I’d gotten part of him back. And maybe I had, but he left so soon I couldn’t really tell all that well. He’s left me back in the silence, wondering what happened to us, and what will happen to us. Why he came to get me, and why he even bothered to open up to me. But he never gives me the time to properly ask, even if I planned to.

I ring in the New Year alone.

The next morning he’s gone. Back to New York for his business in the big city and I am left to sit and think about what was said. A half empty bottle of wine stained with my red lipstick and glitter on the floor from old party poppers Charlotte and Elin had made sure to use before making their exit. I repeat his words.

He’s not a bad person, so why is he so mean? It’s best left unknown. Because if theres one thing I fear more than anything, it’s the realization of rejection.

Even from a man I hate so entirely, it consumes me. That I could not stand to be faced with the fact that Harry and I do not get along simply because we do not work and not because of some other underlying reason.

After all, we had it all. Gave each other everything the other had wanted. Food, shelter, company. There was really so explanation for the bitterness between us.

After all, all this time, despite his anger and hatred, he never left me to the wolves. And despite my heartbreak and sadness, I never left him with an empty home.

A wise man once said to never bite the hand that feeds it. Yet, here we are. Ripping skin from bone until we are left with nothing. We are the ungrateful, the selfish, the cruel. And we both believe that we are in the right.

I am so scared of rejection from this man who I claim to hate because he is the hand that feeds me and I am the hand to him.

We aren’t bad people, so why are we so mean? We recognize all we have to be grateful for, so why do we bite the hand that feeds us?

I guess the vulnerability of it all must have scared us. And while facing the storm, we did what all people do. We let fear consume us and we bite.

Somehow, through all of this. The realizations and the tears and wine and dusty ashes, I love him. Even with my teeth sinking into his skin and his own in mine, drawing blood, I love him. I love Harry Styles. He is my best friend and I am his. That is why I am scared and that is why it hurts so bad. Not because I simply missed him, but rather because my heart was devoted to a man who did not want it.

My fingers fumble over the pad on the phone. I type up his phone number by heart and let it ring. He answers quickly, still waiting for his plane at the airport.

“Y/n?” I can hear the bustling crowds around him and the loud engines taking off from other terminals. I imagine he is plugging one of his ears and mentally cursing the noise for making it so hard to hear.

“Come home.” My breathing is unstable, and my hands run through my hair so much I create new tangles by my neck.

“What? No, Y/n, I have to go. People are expecting me.” He starts to explain how important this is for his business. How it would be so much simpler to be there rather than over a computer screen.

“Fuck them, who cares! Harry, I need you, and I want you, please just listen to me for once. Don’t scoff, or…or roll your eyes or leave! Listen to me this once and if it’s not worth it to you, I promise you’ll never have to listen to me again. Please, it’s important.” I ramble all in one breath, endless pleas met with silence. I can feel the rejection coming, I can hear the way he chokes on a breath, debating what I said.

“Okay.” The phone goes dead with his promise to come home. With the continuous beeps, I slowly come to terms with what I’d just done. But I do not feel panicked, or scared. I feel lighter with the fact that I am about to tell the moody boy something I wished I told him a long time ago.

The door opens with a creak, keys jingling in his large palms. I’d spent the morning pacing the kitchen. Leaving a trail of confetti behind in my wake. I hadn’t cared enough to clean with my endless thoughts and extreme amounts of adrenaline.

“Y/n?” His voice was unsure when it rang out. As if he didn’t know what to expect. The door shut behind him not long before I came rushing around the corner, fingernails bitten to the skin and hangnails bleeding profusely.

“God, Y/n what the hell…” Taking my hands into his, he examined the redness of my irritated skin stained further with dry blood.

“I know.” I looked at him, and he looked back at me like I was crazy.

“What?” His thumbs bent over the backs of my palms, holding me in front of him.

“I know.” I breathed out again, looking at him with such sincerity, praying for him to understand. “You’re not a bad person, and I know it because I know you. Because we fight and we tease and we scream and cry. But I know you because once we didn’t do all of that. And I needed you to know that because it wasn’t fair of me to make you believe that to be true after everything you’ve done for me.” My voice shook with how vulnerable I felt myself becoming. Harry’s hands only tightened the further I explained.

“But what about all I’ve done to you. Y/n, I’ve been awful to you and I never even told you why.” He tried to argue. I shook my head, biting my lips.

“I haven’t been much better.” I smiled sadly. He shook his head back.

“No.”

“Yes.” I blinked hard, pushing back the tears that formed watching his own gather by his waterline.

“No, Y/n, I’ve been horrible. I’ve been mean.” He tried to push away everything I was trying to ignore.

“And so have I.” I tried harder to make him understand.

“But you only did it because I had. And for what?” He finally spoke, voice raised with so much desperation behind it, I froze under his touch.

“Because I loved you so much it drove me fucking insane? Because I still love you and I’m afraid if I can’t get you to hate me I’ll never be able to stop.” He was crying now, pleading with me to make me see his side of things. All I could do was shake my head.

“Harry I could never hate you.”

“But you could never love me.” He argued.

“Thats not true, Harry tell me you know that it couldn’t be true.” I rip my hands from his grip to rest them on his cheeks. I try to wipe away his tears, but his hands cover my wrists and pull them back down.

“How could I? You said it yourself. All those months ago, I told you. I held you close and I told you I loved you. You told me I was your best friend. You couldn’t even pretend!” Neither of us could tell if he was angry or just sad. Maybe both, but no amount of denial would calm him down.

“I didn’t have to, I still don’t have to pretend! Harry, I only said that because I was so fucking scared. Scared of us, of me, of you. Of losing you if it didn’t work. And I lost you anyways, I would’ve just said it if I knew I’d lose you like this.” Our chests bumped and his fingers slipped between mine.

“Y/n.” He whispered into the silence, over our heavy breathing and salty tears.

“I love you, and I miss you.” He didn’t say anything. I could feel him slipping away as soon as his response never came. Not a single word left to say between us. Not a single amount of energy left to fight.

And then he was kissing me. Hard and sweet. Like I was everything he’d ever wanted and more. Like he was hungry, needing more and more of something he had always wanted but could never have. And at the same time, it was soft and tender. Like he never wanted it to end. My back arched within the grip of his wandering hands and my fingers tangling in his curls. I swore I would never let him go.

But it was a swear I couldn’t keep, because air dwindled quickly and spit strung between our lips. Something I would usually gag at, but didn’t mind at the moment. His forehead against mine and arms gripping the fabric by my hips so tight if I moved he could have ripped it.

“I’m sorry.” He apologized in between his heaving breaths.

“Me too.” Looking at him, I could see the red staining his lips from the makeup I’d slept in. It made me laugh, which in result made him smile.

“What? What!” He laughed along cluelessly, letting me back away for a moment.

“You have something-“ I pointed again his mouth and smiled.

“Oh do I? Do I?” He kissed my cheek, smearing the remnants of our kiss across my cheek. “Still there?” He asked with a sly grin. Like he knew he was winning.

So I kissed him hard again, smearing red around his skin and his pink lips with so much love, there was no denying my feelings anymore. There was no hate left to give.

“Yeah, you do.” It was yet another fight, but not one I minded.

After all, thats what we did for so long, it was what we were good at. The teasing and the fighting. Only now it wasn’t bitter, it was playful. And we didn’t coexist with the sole purpose of it.

Because now I was his and he was mine. And this knowledge answered all my questions, all my doubts I’d had before about our relationship and our shared insecurities that led us down this scaring path.

Harry was my best friend, and I was his. And there was no love greater than that.

[sapwine-and-starcharts]

A little late but some Q’s for the OC ask game? 8 (I love their outfit in your banner!) 23, 26, 30 (this miiight be a sneaky ploy to hear more about them and Hornfels) + 49? Mylo is really cool and it’s been neat hearing about them and their world!! It always brightens my day to see your writing and art ::)

!!!! You're not late at all! Mylo questions are always accepted! (that goes for anyone else hesitating to send em!)

And aaaaa tysm!

You have no idea how happy it makes me to see others enjoying my ocs or the art/writing i make!!! Genuinely means so much to me to hear that!! :'} <3

8. Do they wear something other than the canon outfit/space suit?

They do!!!!

So originally Mylo was supposed to be an NPC, just another Traveler you would meet on your travels, so their main design was more reflected on that. ( Fun fact: I was actually gonna make a whole different hatchling for my fics and stuff but then i wrote the first few GSU fics using them and it stuck. That's neither here not there)

Their spacesuit went through a few changes, i was thinking of making it RADICALLY different from the canon suit but decided to keep some of the elements the same. The only big differences are their helmet and poncho/socks really. Their helmet is supposed to resemble the interloper with the antennae being the tail. They've also got an OWV patch and a homemade Interloper patch :3

Their casual clothes however haven't changed since i thought them up. Theres their knit hat which Hornfels had Gossan make for them (another hc i have) once they showed interest in the interloper. Their turtleneck is a hand-me-down from Hornfels that is still a lil big on them. And the pair of high waisted pants they tuck the turtleneck into are just cause i think they're cute!

Here's an old ref of them (I'm in the process of redesigning/ touching up on their design so they're getting a new one soon. Its pretty similar tho!!!)

23. Does your Hatchling have an instrument? If so, what is it?

More OG Mylo rambles ahead.

For the LONGEST time i couldn't figure out what to give them. Their NPC self was going to be a traveler you found on/in the Interloper (don't ask how that would work. lmao) so i wanted their instrument to be very icy in nature.

Like im talkin ice twinkles or something, but i never figured it out. I had thoughts of a kalimba or a handpan but both were fairly common in the fandom so i wanted to try somethng different like chimes but there was nothing small/handheld that spoke to me.

And then i read a fanfic where Hornfels had a fiddle and that became my main Hornfels instrument head canon.

The other night i was thinking about it again and thought 'Hey... What if Hornfels taught Mylo the fiddle...' so i think their instrument is officially the fiddle :'} (they make me feel shrimp emotions your honor)

26. Why did your Hatchling join OWV?

Main reason: The Interloper. They wanted to be the first one to step foot on it and study it up close.

Alternate reasons: Doing research for Hornfels, helping Chert, and making both of them proud...

30. Which Villager did your Hatchling attach to most while they were growing up?

Speaking of Hornfels. I see your sneak ploy and you will get stupid long rambles in return >:3c

So obviously Mylo duckling imprinted on Hornfels and there was little they could do after that.

In my mind it was Hornfels' turn to name a hatchling around the time Mylo was born and so it was them who named them and showed them the stars for the very first time.

For a period of time Mylo wouldn't stop crying. Nobody in the village could figure out what was wrong until Hornfels noticed the way they'd go quiet when held under the stars.

They made them a lil star diorama using a flashlight to display above their crib which worked. It became their main coping strategy since, whenever Mylo is anxious they either make the diorama and sit in the dark of the observatory or they picture the fake stars in their head and count them to calm themself down. (Scary feelings, Starry Ceilings)

Originally, Hornfels wasn't that accepting of Mylo coming to bother them so often.

They were busy and often shooed them away to get some piece. It wasn't until Hornfels realized how much Mylo reminded them of themself when they were younger did they try to make an genuine effort.

That's when they learned about their soft spot for helping and teaching hatchlings. (Child of the Stars)

After that, Mylo hung around a lot more, always asking to use the telescope and for help reading big text books they didn't understand.

They eventually became Hornfels' lil assistant, helping run errands when they were busy, being the rubber ducky to Hornfels' ramblings.

When it came time to work on the translator, Hornfels offered up their desk in a quiet corner of the observatory which Mylo often fell asleep at and sometimes Mylo would wake up with a blanket over their shoulders and their papers organized just how they liked it. (only one person knew their system, because Mylo learned it from them in the first place)

Hornfels was also the first one Mylo said goodbye to when it came to pulling the plug on the ATP (Time to go + Thank you for everything. The first 2 fics i ever wrote for them, the catalyst for my love for them)

49. In a post loop AU would your Hatchling ever tell anyone about the loops? Who?

Mylo wouldn't want to burden anyone. They already hated that Gabbro went through it with them and they also knew nobody would believe them.

I think the only person who they'd tell in the end is Chert, but only because they figured out something was wrong.

I actually have a fic i want to write where Mylo and Chert are on the Ember twin and Mylo keeps having these bad dreams and waking Chert in the middle of the night. Chert knows something is wrong and hates that Mylo won't tell them.

Except Mylo eventually caves and while Chert doesn't understand, they still comfort their partner the best they can.

I'm biting these two and shaking them like a dog.

Okay okay, i've been working on this for over an hour i think and its 150 am now so i gotta hit send before i end up writing until 3 am and have it take up half the dash.

Thank you again for asking i hope you enjoyed my long ass rambles <333333333 :3c

[milk-ducts]

I'm so glad to have encountered a fellow Cecil stan. I freaking love coming up with headcanons for Cecil, platonic or romantic, because he's such an interesting character. For real though feel free to dump any Cecil headcanons (platonic or romantic) on me anytime.

AWAAAA!! YES HAII OTHER CECIL AFICIONADO !!! im so glad theres more of us sprouting out here. my wife is so underappreciated, you have no idea how much he means to me. i'd love to req n swap headcanons anytime !! I have so many thoughts on that morally ambiguous gilf.

[messy, disorganized surface level autism rambling ahead. this will be just random scenes and characteristics i like of him]

BUT YES .. cecil's character is just so interesting to analyze. he does unethical, necessary things. But he doesn't subscribe to idealistic notions of "the greater good" or justifying his actions to make himself sleep better at night. He knows the harsh reality that someone has to make the difficult decisions, no matter how unethical. The psychological toll it takes to calculate how many civilian lives can be spared, and how many are inevitably lost in order to achieve the optimal outcome. He doesn't celebrate after victories like the other heroes do. After the dust settles, his mind is already racing - calculating, strategizing how to prevent future catastrophes. How to minimize casualties next time.

his methods are...questionable,, as ive said,, but there's a hint of nobility to it that just makes you respect him, A SHADY GOVERNMENT CHAR that does the dirty work and takes in all the heat for it so no one else has to? SIGN ME TF UP! i love exploring his character and all the little glimpses of humanity we get to see from him,, especially with debbie, SO SOFT FOR HER, there's so much depth there. that old fuck would MOVE mountains for her if he could,, TRUST. EVEN though he doesnt deserve her .. <<

LETS CONTINUE TO CIRCLE BACK TO S1 with his confrontation w Nolan in the desert, the way he entrusted his survival to the skills of his team operating that teleporter watch (I'm aware he can control it himself, I think this was just my interpretation of it since the employees seemed directly involved here). The margin for error was nonexistent. One miscalculation, one millisecond too slow, and Cecil would have been reduced to a red smear across miles of sand. MY WIFE HAS BALLS ON HIM. (also love walton goggins breathy lil giggles here .. hwaghffhh)

All this, All the whilst Nolan could have ended him with a casual backhand, as easily as swatting a fly. And for what? For humanity's (mostly his) right to know the truth. For Debbie's right to understand what she had truly married because Cecil respects her that fucking much for her to have a part in all of this, and what fate may lay in store for her son.

AND what I particularly liked about that scene is that unlike most SHADY GOV CHARS ™.. Cecil isn't afraid to regularly place himself in life-threatening situations, and for that im just.. FKING obsessed. finally. a hyper competent gov char that gets shit done and occasionally by his own hands instead of always puppeteering in the shadows. Love u .. love u honey snooch, please stop putting yourself in danger for your crazy alien side-hoes .

but ahem ... back to s2.. and some flaws of his that i'm not afraid to point out. the way he's been treating mark is killing me. manipulating my son by comparing him to his dad then keeping him on lock by saying he's not like him??? The breadcrumming definitely didn't work out at all, cuz Mark is too damn stubborn to continue to be swindled by fear tactics he does not give a shit for anymore (homegirl DEBBIE taught him better) hes not gonna listen to a cranky skullet-having side bitch of nolans who clearly has been tryna manipulate him since s1. i HATED how he went "ur broke tyrannical bitch father felt the same way" in the last minute when mark tried to leave earth and yet i still lobve ceci cause ough,,.. my bastard wife knew something was probably up.

Him wanting to keep a short leash on MARKY could be summed up after all that has happened in s1. i'm not going to justify his scummy manipulations or paranoia,, especially after all the shit mark has done and endured to prove himself over and over again that he's not like his father BUT its somewhat understandable for cecil 2 be wary if you look from it in his perspective.

moving on from that, lets dive back into ep 2 ..

Debbie was semi-right in her deduction in s2 ep2, that this is what it's really all about for Cecil - being in control. Not of any situation, but of Mark. To ensure history does not repeat itself in the form of Mark becoming another Nolan. imo He likely doesn’t actually view Mark as his father, Not saying the possibility of it being a part of Cecil's subconsciousness is out of the equation but the way I see it? He was just exploiting that one weakness, that one insecurity Mark has - the fear of becoming like Nolan. And it’s a fear Cecil seemed to prey upon to keep Mark under his thumb and in the fucking GAME.

awaaaa :3 !!!! psychologically damaging teens by comparing them to their abhorrently shitty fathers !! FUCK YOJ STEDMAN (love you snookums..)

,,,,I'd also like to think in my warped deluded perception (aka hcs) that he sees Debbie in Mark, so he can't help but care for the kid too. IVE ALWAYS seen a lot of comparisons between Mark and his dad, plus the whole motif of this new season hasn't helped it allay. But Debbie and Mark share so many similar characteristics as well and i wish that was talked a bit more often &lt; 3 (I will go in depth about it at a later post.)

n umm like ...,,, bck to cici in gen. I guess the safety of earth is one of Cecil's redeeming qualities along with his compassion for side characters like Debbie. His pragmatism and utilitarianism define him. He lacks normal morals but has his own code that cultivates to his character. this ramble could not do justice to him ughfglg..,, what a compelling jezebel.. how can u captivate me so !!

My inbox is always open to discuss this multi-faceted rat man. here's to more cecil content in s2..,... hopefully with more of his dynamic with Debbie because I LIVE for that shit. though its unlikely their interactions could range to anything positive now since they may be hinting to cecil becoming an antagonist and/or taking extreme measures w/ mark. soo.. i dont think debbie's scolding was enough for that slut 2 take in ..

in the mean time i'll be catching up on the comics/re-reading them, look up more of his backstory and hopefully create 10 novels worth of google docs of analysis' of his character < 3 cuz .. he means .. that much 2 me.. and i want to prod at every crevice n brain matter he has inside that megamind head of his .

((hwaghhhhhh << hoping that one day the discord moots ive been keeping in my basement and most invincible fans fall victim to cecil stedman propoganda.. no one should be immune to my girlboss and his awful skullet.))

[minas-linkverse]

Do you have any tips or tricks on how to start a comic like this? Or even just how you got started?? I've had my own au for years that I so badly wanna put out into the world but I've been struggling with finding a good way to start it!!!!

Hm!! Ok!! This is a tough question with many different answers even just from me. I'll do my best to answer tho!! 😮

The main bit of advice I want to give, and which I think is vital to anyone creating anything:

☆ Know yourself.

When looking up advice for creating, people love to tell you that by doing things a specific way is the best and only way to go. Often advice of this sort has solid points, you should plan ahead, you should have easy character designs, buut... You don't have to.

I do not work well with outlines or scripts. I dislike sketching. You'd think that'd make being a long form comic artist impossible for me, but nope.

I know theres things I cannot do, so I've put all my practise to what I can do. My lineart style allows me to almost skip sketching completely, my scripts are more of an A to B structure than law. I improv 90% of the time when making pages. It's kinda like dnd with myself.

I would absolutely not reccomend what I'm doing to others, but I know it works for me. People can tell me I'm doing it wrong but its either wrong or no comic at all, SO. Suck it. 👍

Er. Rambling now.

My point is, figure out what you can and cant do, and do your best to give yourself the ideal work enviorment and process.

☆ Deal with being overwhelmed

Making just a few panels and suddenly realising its gonna take years to get anywhere is SO demoralising. It's gonna happen and its gonna happen again, and again, and—

But continuing with the earlier advice, you gotta ask yourself what would help you. Are you willing to sacrifice quality? Do you just need a break? Maybe you're like me and like to include smth you love in every update so you'll have something to get excited about making.

That feeling of overwhelm is trying to tell you something, so figure out what that is so it wont end the project for you.

☆ Start it

You wont like what you make when starting. I've never heard of an artist who has.

I'm not saying start this instant, not everyone is as into improv and flailing around as me. But I will say you'll never feel ready. Figure out the minimun of what you need to start and do it. Show friends first if youre afraid to post.

Also where to start? Well sure there's lots of good advice online about that, but you can also just doodle random stuff until you feel like diving deeper. That's what LV started with, just Twi and Wild hanging out with animals and some headcanons. It may not be the most tightly written work but theres beauty in the humanity of a mess.

☆ Extras

A "failed project" or "forgotten WIP" is only a failure if you let yourself feel that way. Yea it can be a hauntingly strong feeling thats hard to deal with... But it can be beaten. WIPS are proof you tried and not everyone can say they have.

Lv is far from done and I have no intention of dropping it, but because the journey has been so nice I'd satisfied even if I had to call it here. Its smth that helps me with the overwhelm... What I've made is beautiful even now.

Comparing yourself to others is gonna rip your heart out. I love that theres other links meet aus out there and hope the best for those artists but I caNNot follow any of them or I'll crumble to dust.

So Uhm.

Basically. Have fun and be yourself. 👍

Ps. Readability is basically the most important thing for a comic artist to pay attention to, that and not destroying yourself with details and rendering. 🙌 Good luck out there!

[hampink]

Kingohger G Rosso Show #3 Summary (1/2/24 & 1/3/24)

i went to see the g rosso show with @valentinezlove! recap/summary on the whole show + my thoughts below~ ❤️🤍 (warning: spoilers, really long)

SPOILERS AHEAD for basically the whole plot of the g rosso show (though i left some stuff out) i believe this show is going to be livestreamed at some point so pls be aware if you're going to watch that and don't wanna be spoiled!

also, despite seeing this show TWICE i am so bad at remembering things and get distracted way too easily. i left out details and scenes im not confident in my memory abt😭 also this recap is a personal account so its probably jeramie heavy and there Will be giramie ramblings from my annoying ass

THE SHOW

the show starts with kamejim scheming evilly, as kamejim does. he calls forth grodie (!) to do his thing, and he appears as a recording on the big screen. grodie begrudgingly brings some dead sanagims back to life and he's like “ok go crazy/好きにして” and then kamejim orders them to go forth and destroy humanity/the whole planet. the sanagim are about to attack the audience on the front row when suddenly we hear giras WAHAHAHA and the five kings, gira, himeno, yanma, rita and kaguragi descend onto the stage!!

cue really epic fight

at this point i was like ah i see i guess jeramies coming in the middle of the show… but then NUH UH. SUDDENLY RIGHT IN FRONT OF MY EYES A SPIDER DROPS DOWN FROM THE CEILING ON HIS WEB IN THE AUDIENCE!!

the first time we saw the show on the yan/hime/gira day, our seats were a bit further back so when jeramie came down it was in a perfectly clear view in front of us!!! i SRSLY GOT JUMPSCARED I THOUGHT I HAD A HEART ATTACKK on the 3rd we were sitting really close to the front so i kept looking behind us in anticipation when i knew jeramie was going to make his appearance eheehe..

also when jeramie appeared he said “otto! dont forget about me!” and gira was the first to go “jeramie! you came!” 🥺

anyway they finish beating up the zombie sanagims and kamejims all like fufufufu i am cooking up an evil evil plan to destroy this planet Best Beware u silly kings and then disappears

after the fight the kings convene and discuss what they should do abt kamejim and the new super villain threat that is the galactinsect king and the jesters. but how could they ever beat them? what power is possibly strong enough?? wherever will we find a source of such power?

suddenly kaguragi goes aha! and he begins to recount to everyone an old myth he’s heard about a village back in toufu

apparently theres a 2000 yr old legend that a comet once fell near a village and it left behind an object the village ppl called the "star drop" (星の雫), which looks like a magical orb

the village ppl have kept the star drop for generations and legend has it that the orb has mysterious powers to grant anyone a wish, perhaps we can use it to defeat kamejim

upon hearing the wish part the kings all go WHAT!! and lean in with interest except gira who doesnt react and just kinda stands there (he doesnt seem that interested …?)

the spotlight goes onto yanma and we hear him monologuing abt how he wants to use the wish to make his super computer (i think its hilarious he never gives up on this)

the spotlights goes on himeno and she says she wants a cure all that can cure any wound (🥺)

the spotlights on rita and they wish for a super deluxe limited edition something something moffun 

the spotlights on jeramie and he says, in a very dramatic voice, この2000年生きる語り部が知らない伝説なんて、気に入らない、気に入らないぞ！💀 (a myth that I, this 2000 yr old storyteller has never heard of? i don't like that!)

we dont get to see what gira thinks regarding his wish 0_0 and technically jeramie too bc THAT WASNT A WISH KHGDDDH and also kaguragi because obviously we can never look into his mind hes sussy! (more on dat later tho….)

unbeknownst to the kings, kamejim was hiding and listening in to their conversation the whole time. an orb that can grant any wish…? interesting…

cut to the team arriving at the secluded, very hidden away village. its full of old looking tombs and temples overgrown with vines and such

suddenly from the audience a bunch of people come in parading one of those long dragon puppets and doing a festival-like chant. apparently this dragon is a symbol of the village spirit/guardian born from the comet myth. i think???? i cant remember this part really well because Both times i saw the show i was ALWAYS distracted by gira playing with the dragon really cutely in the background (he’d ruffle its hair or pat its head and the actor would hit gira on his head not to touch it and he would bow in apology😭 🙏)

also upon arriving the village jeramie says "in all my 2000 yrs of living, even i never knew about this place" (i love how they bring up his thousands of years wandering as a cryptid and how much he loves chikyuu and knows it so well,,)

they meet the village elder, whom kaguragi greets but instead of welcoming his king the elder yells at all of them to go home, you shouldnt be here and theres no such thing as the star drop here!! leave us be!! the myth that theres a power that grants wishes here is just that, a myth!

and the teams like zamnnn so we went all the way out here for nothing…? yanmas like kaguragi im gonna beat the shit out of u and in the end everyones like Welp i guess we should go home and everyone except jera start to exit the stage. gira is like wait guys are u sure!?! and watches them go off one by one. in the end jeramies like come on now and either drags gira away or on the show i saw on jan 2nd he casually gently pushes gira on the chest (?) WOULD BE BETTER IF I DREW IT TO EXPLAIN BUT IT WAS CUTE😭)

and then jeramie leaves the stage too but then a few seconds later he walks backward and reappears from the curtain and goes な~んてね (just kidding/as if)

he says “honestly, those kings really cant read between the lines huh? this village is obviously hiding something they dont want us to know”

and so jeramie alone walks in the other direction and leaves to the right of the stage

~the middle of the night~

the village elder is sneaking about, two other village men join him, theyre all whispering very discreetly

the elder is like “are they gone yet?”

“sir yessir theyve gone.”

elder says smth like “good! we cant let any of them get their hands on the village treasure that weve guarded for generations''

the elder decides to go to the tomb to ensure the star drop is safe

cut to jeramie sneaking around trying to find where theyre keeping this dang orb. while he’s looking for it he suddenly hears footsteps, turns out its yanma and himeno who ALSO came back to sneakily look for the orb themselves , jeramies like oh crap seems like theyve caught on as well, he goes to hide behind a platform and this part is absolutely ridiculous like whats wronggg w him tbh

like at first when jeramie goes to hide he lies on his side and had his whole one leg up before belatedly putting it down. yanma and himeno are fighting above him and each time they get closer jeramie would flinch dramatically and at some point hes just striking different poses 😭😭😭 also the one i saw on january 3rd when yanma and himeno get way too close to jeramie, yanmas actor accidentally hits jeramie with his sword probably bc he didnt know what improvised pose he’d be in lol…

we cut back to the elder at the tomb, he says some spell in an unknown language and the tomb opens up and reveals the orb (sitting on a pedestal) he goes to take it but doesnt realize that rita was standing there the whole time

the elders like “what are u doing here!!” rita says something abt how they can tell when ppl are guilty of hiding something/lying 👁👁

then suddenly gira waltzes in and is all like “wooow the stars are so pretty…. wait rita? and elder? hi!! man the stars are just so pretty out here i that i got lost wandering around, can u show me the way back? wait a minute whats that youre holding? :0” (note: GIRA WHO LOVES STARGAZING REALLLL)

elders like NONE OF U CAN HAVE IT!! BAD THINGS WILL HAPPEN IF THIS FALLS INTO THE WRONG HANDS! 

ritas like anyway whatever give me that orb, and lunges at the elder to grab it

at this point himeno and yanma arrive to the scene and himenos like that orb is MINE!! and they all fight over it 

rita ends up getting it and IMMEDIATELY they wish for “moffuns warmth” and then moffun actually appears fr on stage 😭😭 while rita is busy going crazy over moffun and hugging it the elder chants another incantation which appears to have reversed the wish and moffun goes away.  yanma gets a hold of the orb next but right at that moment jeramie swings by on a cord and snatches it from him!! 

jeramie lands on the ground, orb in hand all pleased with himself but then.. someone sneaks up from the shadows behind him and its kaguragi!!! and he has his sword to jeramies neck while hes backed against a wall and jeramie goes otto~ (it was sexy as hell tbh)

so kaguragi has the orb now and hes like “so it seems the myth is true. thank you everyone for confirming this for me”

everyones like kaguragi... could it be…? u were just using us to get the star drop yourself this whole time!!!??

and kaguragis like maa maa dont worry abt it (FORGETTING A LOT OF DETAILS HERE but something abt how if a village in his country has been keeping an object so powerful it only makes sense it should be in his hands or something , maybe?)

but anyway no one wins this round because THEN suddenly kamejim appears and takes the hot potato orb from kaguragi 

and hes like ufufufu and then uses the star drop to make his super evil plan to destroy the planet come true, and when he says his wish suddenly the orb starts going crazy with an immense dark force , its glowing purple and its all crackly like a thunderstorm is inside it, the ground shakes and everything around them starts falling apart

the elders like nooooo and tries to take the orb back but kamejim flings him away and the elder is knocked unconscious

in the end, gira manages to get a hold of the star drop but he struggles to keep it still in his hands bc of the wild dark energy, gira tries to repeat the incantation he heard the elder say earlier but it isnt working, then gira is like “i have no other choice!” and it looks like gira holds the orb close to his chest and the stage goes dark as he screams and then a few moments later he reemerges as…… ~Dark Gira~ 

Gira is silent for a moment but then he growls in a rlly low voice “i am the tyrant king… and i will destroy this planet!”  and starts blindly attacking everyone

evil gira doesnt do the classic evil laugh at all… hes eerily silent and mostly growls and groans a lot. he moves creepily like hes possessed, sometimes he crouches rlly low as if hes on all fours like a wild beast, he pounces on kaguragi and pins him to the ground like a predator 😱 (it was scarYyyy). his evil voice is also super super deep (huge win for the actual!evil tyrant gira enthusiasts…)

everyones like gira whats wrong with you!! gira snap out of it!! dont you recognize us?!?! but it seems gira has completely taken in the dark energy of the orb into himself

giras so powerful in this state that he defeats all the other kings. jeramie was the last to try and fight gira and smth ppl pointed out that Indeed i noticed was true on my rewatch is that evil gira mercilessly went for jeramies bugnarak arm 😭(AAAA)

in the end everyone can only lay defeated on the ground. jeramies dramatic ass says “ah, is this how the story ends? what a tragedy..” 

the curtain slowly closes on evil gira standing alone center stage as he once again yells “i will destroy this world…!”

later, kaguragi, yanma, and rita gather together to reassess their plan. himeno joins in late, she just got done treating the elders wounds. he should be fine, and jeramie is looking after him now.

(note: i was internally screaming at this. ever since ep 42 when himeno was taking a look at injured racles and went “jeramie” and jeramie immediately knew to Web up his wounds i was like oh… theyve done this before. himeno and jeramie have been spending time tgt treating ppl/himeno has been teaching jeramie things and vice versa OOUGH MY BELOVED HIMENO AND JERAMIE FRIENDSHIP. JERAMIE NURSE IN TRAINING REAL) (also fuel for my 1677282 different headcanons regarding jeramie and how he deals with his own injuries... himeno getting mad at this 2000 yr old spider w 2000 yr old habits and teaching him how to take care of himself..)

rita is like no wonder the village ppl guarded the star drop so fiercely… 

its a great, dangerous power that no one person should wield..

ah… so the myth is actually a burden/responsibility kaguragi let his ppl carry for 2000 yrs…. kaguragi wanted to help his own ppl, not selfishly use the wish for himself..

yanma deduces that the orb takes on the intense feelings of whoever makes a wish, and to cancel out the dark energy in gira right now, they need a feeling thats more powerful than That

but what?? from where and how?? 

then suddenly, evil gira reappears, still possessed by the dark energy

himenos like i know!! surely his feelings for us kings/our memories together as his friends are stronger!!

(the kings look at the audience)

OF COURSE!! we’ll use the power of everyones emotions here!! everyone, lend us your help, at the count of three, everybody shout gira’s name!!

whenever the audience shouted giraaaa, he gets hit with a sparkly effect, its working!! yanma goes hypeman cheerleader mode and is like CMON IS THAT ALL YOUVE GOT!! SAY IT LOUDERR

and we shout gira a couple times and finally we shout the incantation (it was rlly cute and sweet sobs)

a transition, gira is back to normal. the orb is also back in one piece

jeramie conveniently comes in after the whole thing all “ah, is gira back to normal already?” 💀💀 tuxedo man meme ass…

anyway now that they have the star drop again hot potato is BACK on and they fight kamejim for it one final time.

gira chases after kamejim and theres a funny bit during the chase where kamejim goes into the audience and gives the orb to one of the audience members and hes like “that persons holding it” and giras like oh sorry excuse me! could u please give me that orb? KHAHSHSJSN

then FINALLY once they got the orb back, they manage to actually destroy it for real so that smth like this never happens again. and thus the kings save the village from ruin! the elder is thankful to kaguragi and the others for saving them but ah… now this village no longer has a legend of its own. but then jeramie says “but we have rewritten it by creating a new legend! the story of the six heroes who saved this village!” our 思い (feelings) will be a new legend~

jeramie has this long winded ass curtain closing speech, going on abt probably the power of friendship and 思い and stories that we have to 心に刻まないとね♡ (carve it into our hearts) . i didnt see it on the show i saw but yes, this is where the infamous giramie hug happened :') the one i saw on the 2nd, jeramie said this while putting his hand on giras shoulder and leaning into him, on the 3rd he put a hand to his heart and looked into giras eyes…or visor. he titled his head all cutely and shit too ARGGGHH

and of course jeramie finishes the entire show by going …とさっ♡ (or so the story goes) and since gira and jeramie are standing next to each other center stage the curtain frames the both of them right before the show ends... aaa...

END!

G ROSSO WAS SO GOOD AND FUN AND CUTE, HIGHLY RECOMMEND! if you can, def tune into the livestream theyre doing at some point which is gonna feature the non suit actors in the show!!!

thanks again @valentinezlove for going to see both days w me~ because these days had the special stage greeting from the actors (and thats a WHOLE NOTHER THING IVE MADE SEPARATE POSTS ABOUT), there was no after show handshake with the suit actors but i still got to shake kuwagata-ohgers hand walking into the venue ;7; i will never emotionally recover...

(also i pulled jeramies trading card twice thank you shugods for looking out for me ahsjkd!!!)

[icarewhatyouthink]

ive definitely said a lot of this before but my friend and i were talking a bit last night about blurryface and i just need to post about it ok

hes such an interesting entity to think about like the way he acts and the way he is portrayed to us is so representative of the way insecurities work like theres two sides: the side that wants to hide, and not let anyone know about your perceived flaws. and then the other side that constantly wants to be known and to want to broadcast itself to everyone.

blurry does both of these things just by telling people to quit putting his name on things but also vehemently defending his own identity and his status as the only true blurryface. he hates people trying to impersonate him, but also hates people looking at him or interacting with him.

but hes also just that. he is insecurities and anxieties and depression and all of those things combined into one “thing”. he is and will always be a part of someone else, and they both are not that keen on being nice to one another. i mean what else do you think will happen when you classify a part of yourself as an enemy or a disease, only showing hatred towards it and vowing to one day kill it. ive said it multiple times before but in my mind, blurry is not good, not evil, not anything.

he is a thing that exists and does what it believes is the correct cøurse of action to achieve a goal, and is also vulnerable to others perception of him and he takes that and runs with it and brings it into his sense of self. if someone says hes a threat and all he does is harm, then thats what he’ll think he is and he will then try to do more harm.

he is what you think he is, he cares what you think.

such is the problem with an entity based on what one perceives others think of you. you want this thing dead? one slight problem, he also has some self preservation instincts and sees you as just another threat to his existence and as a threat against the whole, so he then wants you dead too. he’s not thinking that far ahead that if one dies, the other is taken along with them.

they are both hopelessly bound to one another by the circumstances of his creation and the nature of what blurryface is, and despite their hatred and contempt they have for each other, at the end of the day they need each other to survive and are drawn to one anøther by being two parts of one whole.

alright monthly ramble about my favorite little freak of psychology over