#so scary. such terrifying thing to happen.
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𝐓𝐇𝐄𝐎 & 𝐕𝐈𝐎𝐋𝐄𝐓 @multipleoccupancy
Violet did not realize that she had lived through an episode of her own when she froze during the fire. She did not realize that seeing everything she had seen had already taken a toll on her, like rust slowly eating at her insides.
"It was scary," Violet admitted about Cowboy Theo's episode. Samantha placed a comforting hand on her shoulder and gave it a gentle squeeze. She knew better than most just how terrifying a violent episode was. So did Killian. When she removed her hand, she unconsciously brushed her neck, before grabbing her spoon again.
"These sorts of things are scary," she then explained, "but there are ways to help someone going through an episode, even a violent one. Usually pinning them or restraining them is the most efficient thing to do, and eventually, they snap out of it. When someone is frozen in fear, you can try to talk them out of it. And if they run away, at least they are out of harm's way."
Running away didn't seem like the kind of thing Violet would do, but then again, she had run away in Ophir. Leaving Chief behind. "Can people control themselves during an episode?" she asked, "or... is there nothing they can do?" Maybe her dad couldn't do anything about what was happening to him. Maybe he just had to ride out this horrible moment. But how long was it going to last? Days? Weeks? ...Months?
Was she bottling things out? Would it all come back to bite her later? Violet stared at her bowl of soup, frowning. A lot of terrible things had happened to her, but she always seemed to move on fairly easily. Except for the nightmares. Or the fact that she still couldn't get anywhere near the big windows in the living room.
Glad that Violet seemed to understand what he had been trying to say, he nodded his confirmation, reassured he was not overstepping any of Delta Green's rules in explaining temporary insanity to her. She had to know, she was facing it and looking at a mild episode as it was. Not opposed to Samantha explaining that she could have an episode too, not realising she had already had one of her own when she froze in the fire. Theo cast what was meant to be a sympathetic look Samantha's way but it might have seemed emotionless as he did it, he still checked nonetheless. They'd seen each other through episodes before and been fortunate.
She described what she had seen his counterpart do and he nodded slowly. "It certainly sounds like he had an episode." And how lucky she was there had been other targets left in the room if violence had been the course of action his lapse in control had taken. Theo wanted to reach out and pull Violet into a hug but he still couldn't bring himself to do it again, fortunately the soup was a handy excuse too as he took another spoonful to keep himself in the moment and not to wherever his head might try to take him next.
"Sometimes people just run away too." He explained, "which in my own opinion if you have the mind to decide what to do, running away is going to be the best decision." If something could trigger an episode like that, fleeing from it was the best course of action, right? Theo would of course very much prefer Violet ran away from the danger rather than towards it but even in the state he was in he wasn't fool enough to believe she would run away even during an episode.
Of course there were times when running away was impossible, like when an orderly could pin them down to the floor with no escape, fighting or freezing was all that was left and both would end the same way. He rubbed a hand at his head again, trying to wipe the thought away. "Sometimes if you bottle them up," which he had done with Violet the previous night after falling from the couch, "they just come back to bite you later."
#&(killian beneventi)#violet (there's no happy endings)#multipleoccupancy#delta green verse#read at your own discretion
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EDIT: THE FIC IS POSTED
here's the link:
OKAY.
IM WRITING JAYVIK FANFICTION. FIX-IT. HAPPENS AFTER THE ENDING OF S2.
ITS KIND OF ARTISTC...
this is the beginning. Tell me what u think... should I continue?
~~~~~~~~
They were nowhere. Disappeared into nothingness. Maybe it was terrifying, but he (they?) didn't feel scared, not really. They were together. They disappeared together. That what mattered.
So their existence in nothingness was peaceful. It felt like forever, but it also felt like a second, or a few. The no-forever of being with love of your life can't be scary. Because the nothingness surrounding you is filled with the strongest emotion you can feel - affection, admiration... Love.
Love.
Love.
He woke up, he knew - gaining consciousness after non-being was hard to miss. So he knew that they were back. He kept his eyes closed.
The first breath hurt, because it always hurts when you confront reality. The nothingness isn't frightening. The chaos of every-day is. He couldn't open his eyes. He was afraid.
The first thing that hit him was all the things that happened. The emotions. The memories. They teared his being, his mind apart - at least for a moment. The need to confront his affection with everything that was. Suddenly, the space for the emotion that gave him peace in no-eternity... shrinked. But he didn't forget. He knew he needed to fight for it. He knew he was about to do everything in his power to never stop loving Viktor.
He opened his eyes.
okay.... this is it. I'm kinda sleep deprived and very emotional after the ending. obviously it's not beta read lmao. maybe someone wants to be a beta reader?
I think I'll post this on AO3 btw!!!
the fic will focus on jayce and viktor relationship (obviously) and how they navigate their life after whatever the fuck happened in the end of S2.
the rest of the fic is a mystery, even for me. weee
#arcane#jayvik#viktor arcane#viktor#ao3#arcane season 2#arcane s2#arcane act 3#arcane act three#viktor league of legends#viktor lol#jayce talis#jayce arcane#jayce league of legends#jayce lol#vikjayce#viktor x jayce#jayce x viktor#fanfiction#fix-it#archive of our own#fanfic#my fanfiction#fix it fic#fic#fanfic writing#jayvik fanfic#arcane jayce#arcane league of legends
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‧₊˚✧ ❛[ kinda like a rom-com! ]❜
ft. scott summers x f! reader — xmen, marvel
╰₊✧ watching a horror movie is the perfect set-up for romance, but unfortunately for the xmen, scott’s a bit of a dumbass┊1.4k words
contains: ooc scott probably, he’s the biggest dumbass ever, i thought this was cute, anyways, fluff, the entire x mansion ships it, descriptions of horror movies, the title & ending probably doesn’t make sense because i don’t actually watch rom-coms but i think it fits because it’s romantic comedy shortened, written before october started
➤ author's note: do people even want scott content?
it’s adorable, really, how a mutant who has faced countless dangers throughout your entire life and bravely battled adversaries head-on was now cowering by his side and covering your eyes with your hands, fingers slightly parted to still allow you to peer at the screen to satiate your curiosity of what would happen next.
“i didn’t think you would be this terrified,” he chuckles.
“i didn’t think we would be watching a horror movie tonight!” you hissed in return. “we usually watch superhero movies, why are we suddenly putting on supernatural stuff when october hasn’t even started yet?”
movie nights were pretty commonplace in the mansion, one of many activities hosted to encourage bonding between the inhabitants just in case being mutants on its own wasn’t enough to do the trick. scott loved these nights, because not only was it a nice break from being a professor who would have just spent this night grading papers, it also let him grow closer to you as you always find yourself in his company one way or another whether it was simply sitting next to each other or happening to hide in the same spot to catch a break from all the screaming children with unpredictable powers.
little did you know that all of these coincidences were a result of careful planning by your co-workers in hopes that a confession would bring itself closer to the present. from ororo making it rain on the way home to force the two of you to share an umbrella, to jean nudging him during the best times to talk to you after reading your mind and helping him pick out personalized gifts you would love— hell, even logan let him steal two bottles of beers so that he could help comfort you after a bad day (although, it might have just been because he wouldn’t stop begging and shut up until he handed some of his stash over. he brings it up every time they bicker to get a leg up on him).
it seemed everyone aside from you knew about this, like an inside joke you missed out on because even the students had the tendency to giggle when seeing you two interact. the only reason scott hasn’t confessed first was simply due to your obliviousness to your own feelings which would likely end in a rejection. it’s not in vanity where he believes this, but in fact when the redhead telepath informed him that you just hadn’t realized what you felt for him wasn’t platonic. realization was inevitable and bound to hit you like a ton of bricks, and after some squealing from embarrassment in your room, it would only be a matter of time before you sought him out to confess. except, no one has the patience to wait for you to do so organically, hence the constant match-matching that has become so common that they don’t even think before doing so sometimes. everyone plays the part of wingman except for charles who thinks they should wait until you’re ready, but that doesn’t mean he doesn’t find it highly amusing.
it was actually the wolverine who suggested picking out a scary movie for tonight as he claimed it was “one of the best ways to get a girl all over ya.” scott didn’t quite believe him at first because it sounded too much like something straight out of a cheesy teen drama, but he now realizes that he shouldn’t question the two-hundred-year-old guy who has more experience with such things than he could imagine.
you tightly gripped on his bicep, not even realizing that your nails were starting to dig into his skin, staring wide-eyed at the projector image as another character died in a rather gruesome way. really, these movies always overdid the blood and gore, but criticizing it was the last thing on his mind because you were currently holding onto him with a vice and he needed to plot his next move.
his eyes began to wander around the dark room to find nearly everyone focused on the film playing in front of them and a couple of students asleep, turning his head subtly to look around behind his red-lensed glasses until he spotted the white-haired weather manipulator doing the same thing because she was bored out of her mind. (isn’t it funny how some people were so uninterested in the movie that they are falling asleep or counting how many heads are in the room while you’re unable to tear your eyes away despite looking like you’re about to cry? you’re so damn cute.)
she mouthed something to him while tilting her head in your general direction, completely inaudible in order not to attract attention. unfortunately for her, scott was an idiot who didn’t know how to read lips even though everyone around him assumes that he’s blind and most of the time he might as well be. she rolled her eyes in frustration, wrapping her arm around jean’s waist (who was understandably a bit confused at first but then did the same) and highlighting the action with a simple motion of her hand— signaling to him that he should do the same.
it looked like a fucking lightbulb went off in his head or something when he mutter a silent “oh” before following her example and pulling you close, resting your head on the side of his chest as if to soothe your fears. it worked like a charm, you buried your face into him and held on for dear life as you braced yourself for another jumpscare, trying to focus on his hand patting your back instead of trembling like crazy.
“it’s not even that scary, chill out—”
“no! don’t say that!”
scott stopped mid-statement, trying to figure out what the fuck that was until he realized it was jean’s voice in his head. “how did you even hear me from where you’re sitting?”
she ignored his question, so he wasn’t sure if he was just being too loud or if she was already reading his mind to make sure he didn’t fuck up. “don’t finish that sentence, she’ll think you’re making fun of her for being more sensitive towards these things. the poor thing is petrified, how about you take her up to her room instead? i don’t think she’ll be able to stomach the ending of this movie.”
he hummed and nodded in agreement, remembering that everyone dies at the end, pulling on your arm to grab your attention and whispering, “come on, let’s get you out of here.”
you nodded weakly and swallowed, not letting go of him for even a moment as he escorted you out of the living room and up the stairs. “thanks, i didn’t think that the movie would be that terrifying… and we’re showing that to kids?”
“just the older kids, all the younger ones are already in bed.”
“and i’m about to join them,” you shuddered, opening the door of your dark room and cringing at the sound of the hinges squeaking. you lingered at the doorway before turning to look at scott, “could you come hang out in my room with me for a bit?”
“what, you want me to check for monsters under your bed?” he laughed.
“s-shut up! i’ll just go look for logan then!”
“no-no-no, don’t do that, i’ll go with you! i’m much better company than that old man— we can watch some rom-coms until you fall asleep and forget about that stupid movie.”
“i didn’t know you were a fan of rom-coms,” you said, turning on the lights and looking noticeably less afraid as the shadows disappeared.
“well, i think my life right now is kinda like a rom-com…” he slipped, admiring how your bed had so many stuffed animals meticulously stacked so that none of them would fall off. your room was just like you— cute.
“really? how?”
“i’ll, uh, tell you eventually… it’s a… whole thing, i don’t feel like getting into it tonight— anyway,” he quickly diverted the conversation, digging through your stack of dvds before picking one out. “i haven’t seen this one yet— ‘someone like you’— i’ve heard good things about it— the male lead kinda looks like logan if he took care of himself.”
he’ll tell you soon when he finally hears your confession, or if he goes crazy before then because he has to spend one more day without being able to call you “his.” whichever comes first.
#📜. her works#scott summers#scott summers x reader#x men#x men x reader#cyclops#cyclops x reader#marvel#marvel x reader
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I have many fears.
but currently, one of my greatest fears is having the most wonderful and sweet dreams of being lovey dovey with sans...
and forgetting it upon waking up.
#simping o' clock#drowzy speaks#yep#every dream about him is like jewels to me#i need to collect them#preserve them in a nice and comfy box#or i risk losing them forever#does anyone understand-#having the best time with ur beloved but then waking up without even knowing you had them???#how horrific is that-#such rare and valuable experience...GONE.#like it never happened.#quaking in my boots#my blood is now liquid nitrogen /j#so scary. such terrifying thing to happen.#tbh idec if it's just sitting with him in silence#i really do not care how simple it is.#just existing next to him is good enough for me ;-;#friends? no romantic interaction?#IDC LEMME BE WITH HIM ARUGHHHHH......
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Crazy issues that come up when a character is written a little too well
#yay story time comic nobody asked for#funnily enough i will NEVER play undertale on the computer because of this#my first exposure to undertale was jacksepticeye and i am glad i didn't opt to play the game myself at the time#flowey closing the game and then the broken start up cutscene was bad enough just WATCHING it#and i STILL have to watch that chara thing at the end with a far distance from my screen and the volume down#not because of the scary face but because of the violin noise that sounds like its a repeating tone rather than a loop#and then of course the window hopping around#am also very glad i was spoiled about the spamton mercy win before i tried it myself#am slightly worried about future deltarune chapters but at least now i'm anticipating it#anyway remember when i tagged that one post ''i'm scared of computers and it's a monkey's fault''#now you know :3#i really wanted this done on thursday#and apparently dawn's brain says friday doesn't happen until after i fall asleep#so now i am awake and it is 4:30 and i hear birds chirping so nighty night#((or good morning))#yay comic :D i was right this did help a lot with getting some program familiarity#it's not the greatest paneling in the world but it's good for now#idk if i should really tag him or not#but uh#spamton#deltarune#spamton enjoyers i am so sorry#i am terrified of him only because he does his job in the story very well
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real talk I never wanted kids before and now I kinda want maybe one but I'm. the gross stuff sounds so scareyyy. how do you deal w the loss of control over your body?? Not even saying I have any kind of control right now, I'm not even a fitness girl or anything, body's a body, but do you know what I mean? I'm scared if I get pregnant it will freak me out so bad
well what you said is actually the answer: when do we ever have control lol?
in preparing to have a kid i got decently in shape, ate very well and exercised consistently for several months, and knowing i was doing it with the intention of getting pregnant felt good. like building a mighty forge. then pregnancy hits and.. yeah that physical "control" does go out the window....lmao
the thing that can be freaky is just the SPEED at which your body changes. you can almost watch it in real time, i look and feel totally different week to week. initially this unnerved me cuz it's like,, ok if this were any other situation, these changes would not be normal. but they are normal. so the word that i keep circulating when the changes freak me out is "evidence." it's all just evidence that there's a little dude in there, and that's a good thing.
and it being a good thing is what it boils down to for me. I'm only having an ok time because 1) i am, compared to so many others, having a smooth pregnancy. that's never a guarantee. and 2) I'm confident this baby is coming into a healthy environment where she is extremely wanted. the determination of "i want this kid" makes the physical weirdness bearable.
#i never ever ever want to come off like 'I'm having such a great time and surely other people would too if they'd just beliiieeeve'#i was freaked out too before it actually happened#i was terrified it would be a nine month migraine because sometimes it fucking is!!!! i literally just lucked out#so i don't know if it's even ethical for me to be giving advice.. but maybe this perspective helps a little? idk lol#i also don't always see it as loss of control vs. a diagnosable physical process#every weird thing to happen has a name and it's pregnancy. no nameless scary mystery symptoms it's all like yup just pregnant.#m2a#m2answers#pregnancy
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one day my anxiety is going to kill me
#just nervous rambles before i leave the house ignore me i feel like talking#meine belastbarkeit? geht gegen null#but hey at least i no longer get proper anxiety/panic attacks#i used to have attacks when going to my therapist i couldn't go in we would have to go for a walk lest i feel like i was about to die#i did cried yesterday and nothing bad happened just me being a fucking baby and terrified of messing up#and now i feel so much trepidation of because today is another day to mess up#it helps to think of one of my dogs and how scared she wasof going to the vet (and of other things and how brave she was)#we would have to carry her through the entrance lest she vomit#and there was no way to sooth her and explain what was happening#she would be paralyzed and just let things happen#and it helps to think about that and how she made it through and how i know what is happening and yes it is scary#but it is good and it's growth and i've grown so much and that i can do it if she could do it#it's silly but it has actually helped#meins
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really really need to get back on mood stabilizers
#im rly such a mess mentally and its so annoying bc things are constantly like#going wrong but in a way that kinda works out so i should be fine but im not fbdnsjs#like terrified abt my dogs state for weeks -> finding out shes rly quite sick but theres treatment and shes doing better rn#scary fucked up horrible experience at work -> nothing physically bad happened to ME i handled it as well as anyone could#going to dublin to see chappell and injuring my foot at the concert -> b's a sweetheart so it was fine and my leg is pretty much ok now#but its just. so stressful and im already having panic attacks daily#plus i have stress dreams every night for the past 4 weeks and wake up terrified its so annoying#i just wanna relax#everyone please keep your fingers crossed that i get put on mood stabilizers at the end of this month and my mental health improves
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My druid has "fuckboy" written all over her
#speculation nation#shes a druid but she does Not look it. nor does she act like it really.#druid stuff exists to beef myself up as a front liner (spores druid ftw)#and to act as an excuse like 'whaaaat why r u so suspicious of me im a druid 🥺🥺🥺 i just want what's best for nature 🥺🥺🥺'#meanwhile here i am hogging ALL the worms we manage to find (or. well. most of them.)#bc im going full ham into my powers lol theyre so useful#this is a game of pressing Every button and seeing what happens. yet still going along the lines of good? approximately?#it very much does feel like the kind of thing a druid drow would do. willing to consort with the darkness#but still ultimately striving for peace and order.#i am just perhaps a little bug-brained to accomplish this :3#ive been playing a Lot of bg3. progressing well through act 2. everything is so very scary and i am just 1 druid 🥺#(i say as if i havent killed literally every single enemy ive come across. im so fucking good at this game.)#the house of healing was by far my least favorite part (so far). that boss battle was TERRIBLE but i managed to get through it.#according to my friends they just talked their way out of it. not me tho. i saw that guy strapped to the table and i was just like#'GET FUCKED BRO' *casts moonbeam* *proceeds to get the shit stabbed outta me*#holy shit he did so much damage. and he was focused ONLY ON ME.......#took me and shadowheart both healing to keep up with the damage he was doing (while astarion and karlach did most of the attacking)#but i did it! hes gone! but holy shit poking around his stuff has been so. eugh.#im in the towers now. so scary. just barely started them tho. gonna look for the prisoners and then proceed from there.#that ketheric dude is fucking terrifying. so big scared about him. but All Men Die The Same 😈#.....well maybe not exactly the same given his 'immortality' thing 😂 but i'll figure it out.#anyways yea check out taltana im going for a mixed feminine and masculine kinda vibes with her. and enjoying it very much.#bg3 spoilers/
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Honestly though I think it’s really a bad sign when I look at Shin Tsukimi and literally feel like he’s a self insert 😩
#the klock keeps ticking#yttd#i wanna replay yttd so bad but i also like Gotta play other stuff with the time i have akskks#but yeah the brainrot this specific character has given me idk if I ever really talked about it but it was BAD#i like obsessively played the game in like 3 days and it was not a good idea lol but just like shin#i had to take like a week to recover from this guy cuz i couldnt stop thinking about him and how hes just like me fr#first off just the very inconsistent personality hes got going on that is very me he has these different personalities he wears to cope with#all the traumatic shit happening hes both so helpless its comical and so manipulative its terrifying#and idk its really interesting how like good and bad he is at being manipulative like hes very smart and can analyze weaknesses and lie so#good not even he knows the truth but hes also grasping at straws he doesnt think things through at all#like the second main game he just didnt prepare at all hes fumbling his way through everything its going so bad#he just wants to go home he wants to outdo the game makers but hes being used by them so bad he wants it to STOP#and its just the way that like. it hits so hard cuz you know hes really not a bad person not at all he doesnt want any of this hes just#being horribly manipulated and doing whatever he can to survive but its also really scary how#well hes able to lie and manipulate and claw his way through but hes also weaker than a grade schooler#and you never forget that either and as much as he cheated his way through he still failed it was all just a cheap trick in the end#and all of this hits very hard like his personality is eerily similar to mine and just the way he thinks and acts#cuz im the same like im weak and a dweeb who likes funny cats but im also emotionally detached and observant and selfish#but where it hits the hardest is his relationship with midori like oooof that one was too real just like#the first person who was ever his friend was horribly abusive and treated him like a child and didnt respect any boundaries#and he just got sick pleasure out of seeing shin be upset and he was like. a groomer#and shin was fucking relieved when he died but also kept his scarf and adopted his personality to survive#and still goes by sou after ch2 and the scene that gets me the most is when shin ai is asked about his relationship with midori#and you can just SEE how horrified shin is because his deepest shame his abuse is being shared to everyone without his consent#and hes reliving it all in that moment and literally seeing who he used to be experiencing the abuse#he just curls into himself and like covers his ears and pulls his hair thats literally what i do AAAAAA#im just so grateful for the direction they took this character kokichi ouma wishes he was shin tsukimi so bad#and yeah just like damn. its scary how similar i am to shin like damn i really am going through it huh oof#I LOVE HIM I LOVE HIM I WILL DEFEND HIM WITH MY LIFE HE DID ALL OF THAT STUFF YOUR HONOR BUT LISTENNNN#have you considered that hes cute and smart and weird and maybe just needs friends who arent assholes
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number one horror game experience is running for your life in fear and then getting somewhere and going "okay, I'm safe here" and then a monster steps into view instantly.
#watching sgs play re village#and running into the courtyard singing 'im alliveeee and she's not heree'#and then immediately lady d is coming up the stairs 'yes she is'#the same thing happened to me playing the re2 remake#i was in the main lobby of the pd after running from mr x for forever and I was like#saying to my sister 'it's okay he cant get me here this is a safe room' saving at the typewriter#and then i get out of the menu and see him fucking stomping down the main stairs just on the edge of my vision#NOT A SAFE ROOM NOT A SAFE ROOM#it's terrifying and funny every time#anyway. idk almost anything about re village so im excited#i played about 2 hours of it and got to the castle and the first daughter turned to bugs#and i was trapped in a hallway and used all my ammo on not hurting her because i couldnt find the way out#and she kept killing me and i didnt want to play anymore#and then we sold the xbox. so that was that.#so. there.#resident evil#scary game squad
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if you dont believe in spirituality and clairvoyance and all that just skippp
so i know it sounds crazy, but i already told my therapist, so idc anymore but does anyone know ANYTHING about mediums. or anyone to contact to help me figure this out. ive been going through a lot the past year but the one i couldnt talk about that was bothering me the most was that i seem to have some sort of clairvoyant.. ability?? that i have no control over. its just as if the universe wills that i know random things that will occur and they happen.
even my family is noticing that it isnt just me making shit up
#like predicting death and random events#viaualizing something in my head and it becomin real after very SPESIFIC things#its not random as very similar things happen to my maternal great grandmother and my paternal grandmother#its becoming a lot more frequent and i want to know if there is SOME way to control it#i grew up around ghosts and spirits so idk maybe its something to do with that#but idk. my first ever experience with clairvoyance was when i was 8 years old or so. it was the strongest one i ever had#i had a very clear dream of how the entire day would play out#and then it did#and it never happened again until the last year and its so scary man!! i had to quit my job because i was being plagued with visions of#my own death if i stayed#i took it as a sign and it hasnt stopped happening since#but ive been SO scared to talk about it. with ANYONE outside of my family hut yknow#this is my personal blog so#i dont really care if ppl think im crazy anymore cause theres just some things in this world that cant be explained#and im terrified experiencing this alone
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Short extract of that one WIP I've been working on !
TW are mention of death/dead bodies, mention of blood and uh I genuinely don't have the word but like. Disturbing way of thinking
It's 1 am and I have a big test tomorrow so I'm just going to post the cancel fic tonight and hopefully I'll be back to my usual posts tomorrow ! Anon if you recognize your ask expect the full thing in like two days unless I triggered myself too much lol
#Cancel fic go !!!!#'I don't get Clive' I do. And it's ugly and scary and I never want to go back to this place again#But also grief is such an ugly thing and too many people think it's ugly because of like crying or being irritated or stuff#No. Grief is ugly because there is a good chance that you'll end up like that. And it's terrifying and you'll HAVE to fight your way back#Like genuinely the guy who destroyed my life wasn't a politician he wasn't even a bad person. But he still hurt me so bad and I hated him#I'm better btw. This was like years ago and I've healed from it =) But also the memory is still painfully there#I hope no one is upset about the trauma fic it was bound to happen. If you are then I'm genuinely sorry I wish I was better#(Although I'm pretty sure the only person I triggered is me lol)#My writing#TW : mention of blood#tw : mention of death#tw : blood#tw : death
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#this just in: moving to another continent to live and work with complete strangers for six months#incredibly distant from every important person in your life and your supportive community#is in fact. incredibly difficult.#like idk it's hard to describe because it's also been amazingly cool and i'm so thankful i get to do this#and like i can see God's hand in so many things that have happened and are happening#and He's providing what i need in such amazing ways#but also i'm exhausted and really really homesick#and i miss my people#and i miss going to chapel at school#and honestly just attending church in a language i understand#and rn i'm dealing with a crisis at least every day about what i'm going to do with the rest of my life#and long distance dating is really hard and need i reiterate i am exhausted and when i get tired and sad i self isolate. which is unhelpful#and generally i'm in that weird state of being where i genuinely have no clue how to persevere and i feel deeply deeply out of my depth#and also God is just. so present.#tbh i'm terrified that the rest of my life is just going to be Like This#and i'm also terrified that the rest of my life is not going to be Like This#because the last 5ish years have been Like This to varying degrees and i've learned and grown so much and i've come to know God so much mor#but i'm so tired.#and i'm tired of getting up every day and dealing with things that are scary.#but i'm scared of a life where i don't because i'm most scared of stagnating#anyway wow congrats if you made it this far into my venting#on the bright side yesterday i experienced one of the weirder (in a good way) social situations i've ever been in#walked into my language learning partner's mother-in-law's house (who i'd never met before) at 10pm and was instantly given two plates#of beautiful homemade (culturally appropriate dumplings) and a cup of tea#and proceeded to stay for 40min listening to a conversation where i understood about 3 words out of every 50#couldn't have experiences like that if i stayed in my comfort zone could i
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Drowning out my feelings with Dr. Pepper, falling back in love with Silence is Golden But Consequences Are Red, and thoughts of Mother Hen Wolf Shifter!Ghost
*rant in the tags if y'all want*
#i have been having entirely too many feelings lately#and not a time nor place to cope#I have been having far too many conversations about the future and it's starting to make me freak out#this aquarium trip was supposed to help me answer the questions I had about what schooling/degree I would need to be an aquarist#all it did though was make me realize that being an aquarist may not actually be right for me#which now means I don't know what I would be going back to school for#which sucks absolute ass because I miss being a student. I miss that freedom and I miss learning#i miss being a college student so badly actually and I honestly regret dropping out. Like I did before but now#I always told myself it was for the best cause it's better than failing a semester and tanking my GPA#but now I've been stuck in this horrible depressive cycle and feeling so fucking burntout I can barely function half the time#now I don't have any time or energy to do things I love let alone do some self learning#I currently don't see any point in going back to school cause I don't even know what I would go back for and it's fucking scary#all of my siblings have had major things happen and are progressing on with their lives#and like I get i'm barely even in my twenties and I shouldn't be panicking this badly about my life#I feel like half of my troubles are self inflicted even though they're really truly not#but I can't help but feel I've doomed myself and my motor functioning is worsening#my executive functioning is down the fucking toilet and I can't fucking fix it and it's upsetting me#but god i just had a birthday this past week and about three years ago when I started college#I really believed I'd be in a much different place at this age than I am now#and it's scary it's fucking terrifying and I don't know what the fuck I'm doing and all I am doing is spiraling really badly
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hi guys im not dead in a ditch but i definitely will be after how that election turned out…
um anyways. expect part 2 for that kinich oneshot in maybe *checks calendar* 1-2 week’s time depending on my current pacing :’)
also started working on the rough draft for TATT chapter 2 part 2, so hopefully i can have at least half of it done by thanksgiving 🥲👍
#im. terrified to say the least#it’s not looking good for americans rn guys. esp those of us a part of a minority..#saying goodbye to my rights 🥲#the fact that so many ‘coincidental’ things have been happening#like… 20 MILLION VOTES WERENT FUCKING COUNTED#more shit like my own state counting half the blue votes as ‘frauds’ too like… wtf#anyw pls be patient with me it’s such a scary and stressful time rn.#— [ rambles ] ; eydís talks!
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