#so scary. such terrifying thing to happen.
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Today was hard. It was really scary, and the future feels uncertain. I had a hard talk with my sister, who had been planning to try for a baby with her husband this year, and who has decided to wait even though she's ready and excited to be a mom because even a wanted pregnancy is too risky right now. Our youngest sister was just old enough to vote for the first time in this election, and is terrified of the world she's coming into as a young Black Jewish woman. I'm scared for them, and for me, and for all of us who are in danger right now. It's scary to know that, no matter how hard today was, we're probably going to be in a much worse place as a nation a year from now. Things are going to get much worse.
But you know what else?
Today, my sister and I still laughed a lot.
When I remember the absolute fear at knowing that I need to get my passport with a correct gender marker before January, I'll also remember the people who helped me when I asked for help.
Both of the classes I taught today (I'm a phd student and mostly teach incoming Freshmen) became "what happens now?" conversations. There was a lot of sadness today, but I was also very impressed by how many of my students essentially told me they're not willing to go down without a fight. Lots of hope, too.
I was able to work on the next chapter of my fic, even though I didn't really feel like it, and making art still made me feel better. I made plans with friends who have been too busy for a while. I took my dog on a long walk, and he was still happy and soft when I petted him and still needs me around.
It feels somehow like this day has lasted forever. And I'm scared for the future. I can't help but see the world differently today, just knowing how many people voted for this, who either were in favor of or just didn't care about the rampant racism and hatred. But I'm still here, and so are you, and this is going to be fucking hard but it won't all be hard. Take your joy where you can, and do it out of spite if you have to, but do it. Stay alive to see the other side of this, yes, but also don't let it keep you from living.
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This is heavy but…
I feel the need to say please don’t harm yourself because of this. I am gutted and terrified right now just like you, and I’m not gonna lie we have a right to feel that way. Things look- really fucking dark. But there is always hope, and always a reason to keep fighting and keep living. It’s scary, and it may be hard for a while but you will be ok- we will be ok. Find comfort in your safety net and the things you enjoy right now and feel your feelings. Or create and nurture a safety net and/or hobbies or just things you enjoy doing
If it helps to be petty- hell, be petty. Stay here to spite every single law maker who tries to take your rights away, and find comfort in the fact that your existence lives rent free in their minds and keeps them up at night. There’s nothing more they’d like than to see the marginalized and liberal voters beaten down right now. They hate to see anyone who isn’t Cis-Het Christian conservative living happy lives, so live long enough to show them that!
It might feel helpless now, but I promise you WILL get to a place where you are living a happy fulfilling life if you aren’t already and despite whatever happens. And you deserve it!
If it helps to make a plan; whether it be fleeing the country for your safety *if you have the resources of course*, taking extra precautions, etc. whatever that looks like- start doing that once you’ve allowed yourself to grieve the situation.
I believe the best thing we can do right now is not give up. I know it’s hard, believe me. But the best thing we can do is to keep fighting, keep making our voices heard *as safety allows of course*, and keep educating ourselves as much as possible especially about resources and options to keep ourselves safe
As Steve Harvey said *apparently he might have been quoting Winston Churchill but the message is still a good one*
“ If you're going through hell, keep going.
Why would you stop IN hell?”
We might be in hell right now, and presumably for the next 4 years. But let’s fight and do what we can to get through it and get OUT of that hell and make things better!
Stay here, keep yourself safe, and we will get through this!
* I will be posting links to resources if I find/see them*
#politics#america#american politics#election 2024#us election results#lgbtq+#pride#women’s rights#2024 election#kalama harris#donald trump#2024 presidential election#presidential election#us elections#lgbtqiia+
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I have many fears.
but currently, one of my greatest fears is having the most wonderful and sweet dreams of being lovey dovey with sans...
and forgetting it upon waking up.
#simping o' clock#drowzy speaks#yep#every dream about him is like jewels to me#i need to collect them#preserve them in a nice and comfy box#or i risk losing them forever#does anyone understand-#having the best time with ur beloved but then waking up without even knowing you had them???#how horrific is that-#such rare and valuable experience...GONE.#like it never happened.#quaking in my boots#my blood is now liquid nitrogen /j#so scary. such terrifying thing to happen.#tbh idec if it's just sitting with him in silence#i really do not care how simple it is.#just existing next to him is good enough for me ;-;#friends? no romantic interaction?#IDC LEMME BE WITH HIM ARUGHHHHH......
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Imagine:
Space marines having cuddle piles because they are experiencing lots of emotions but can’t decipher them and have trouble feeling but being held and holding someone else is comforting and feels nice and makes them feel better.
Holding and cuddling with the squad because you barely made it out alive and you’re so thankful they all survived.
Your squad nestled in with one another over the loss of a brother. It hurts but you share the pain together.
All but you from your squad died and you’ve been added to another. That new squad having a cuddle pile to not only welcome you but to give you comfort while you mourn the loss.
Young neophytes being terrified because holy crap this is really hard and scary. So many surgeries and trials. What if you don’t make it? You’re so scared and you miss your home and everything is strange but you can’t show weakness otherwise you’ll get kicked out. So scouts who know exactly how their younger brothers are feeling come and hold them, assuring them it will be alright as they stroke their hair.
Marines having endured seeing horrors of the warp, being shaken and unsure how to cope. Telling their Chaplain how they feel and unsure how they can move on Their chaplain, knowing the stress and how it’s just going to take time embraces them. Because what the marine needs right now is comfort and reassurance.
Marines being off kilter and disoriented from the Rubicon Primaris surgery being held by their apothecaries to help ground them.
Primaris marines cuddling with each other because they get one another and there’s still some distance between them and the first born.
First born and Primaris marines in a pile to cuddle and show that they are one as battle brothers.
Guilliman being so exhausted and overwhelmed from everything he lays on the floor to try and get some relief from being stuck in the armor of fate. Sooner or later his sons approach him to ensure he’s okay and sit with him. The next thing he knows, there’s a pile of them on top of him as he holds them close. Everything is so strange and awful in the imperium. He’s lost everything and recognizes nothing. But at the very least he has his sons. He may not know then as well and they are quite different and dull but by the golden throne; they’re his sons and they’re here and he’s just so grateful.
Lion El’Johnson sitting on the ground, golden the Fallen/Risen. Them laying on him as he holds them and runs his fingers through hair. Showing them he cares. He will not rule over them but they can follow him. They’ve been through so much. Deceived, tossed through time, mutated by the warp, and hunted down. They’re tired and weary. They struggle with trust. He will be there for them.
The clone of Fulgrim after escaping and finding some of his sons who are willing to follow him just has to embrace them, even if only for a moment. So much has happened. They blindly followed their primarch into corruption and heresy. They were just doing what they were told. They’re so willing to follow him. Even if this won’t work. But they’re willing to follow him. They believe in him, so he holds them if only for a brief moment.
You’re a tool of war with the emotional maturity of a child? You WANT to be held like a baby. No, you NEED to be held like a baby and feel safe and loved.
(Lol I’ve projected my own feelings into this because being held by someone who loves you is so freaking nice and comforting especially after being touch starved and angry at everyone close to you. They all deserve hugs and so do you!)
Space marine cuddle pile to deal with the horrors of war
#40k#warhammer#warhammer40k#warhammer 40000#warhammer 40k#space marines#space marine#primarch#primarchs#lion el'jonson#fulgrim#clone of Fulgrim#clone!fulgrim#clonegrim#roboute guilliman
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Crazy issues that come up when a character is written a little too well
#yay story time comic nobody asked for#funnily enough i will NEVER play undertale on the computer because of this#my first exposure to undertale was jacksepticeye and i am glad i didn't opt to play the game myself at the time#flowey closing the game and then the broken start up cutscene was bad enough just WATCHING it#and i STILL have to watch that chara thing at the end with a far distance from my screen and the volume down#not because of the scary face but because of the violin noise that sounds like its a repeating tone rather than a loop#and then of course the window hopping around#am also very glad i was spoiled about the spamton mercy win before i tried it myself#am slightly worried about future deltarune chapters but at least now i'm anticipating it#anyway remember when i tagged that one post ''i'm scared of computers and it's a monkey's fault''#now you know :3#i really wanted this done on thursday#and apparently dawn's brain says friday doesn't happen until after i fall asleep#so now i am awake and it is 4:30 and i hear birds chirping so nighty night#((or good morning))#yay comic :D i was right this did help a lot with getting some program familiarity#it's not the greatest paneling in the world but it's good for now#idk if i should really tag him or not#but uh#spamton#deltarune#spamton enjoyers i am so sorry#i am terrified of him only because he does his job in the story very well
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one day my anxiety is going to kill me
#just nervous rambles before i leave the house ignore me i feel like talking#meine belastbarkeit? geht gegen null#but hey at least i no longer get proper anxiety/panic attacks#i used to have attacks when going to my therapist i couldn't go in we would have to go for a walk lest i feel like i was about to die#i did cried yesterday and nothing bad happened just me being a fucking baby and terrified of messing up#and now i feel so much trepidation of because today is another day to mess up#it helps to think of one of my dogs and how scared she wasof going to the vet (and of other things and how brave she was)#we would have to carry her through the entrance lest she vomit#and there was no way to sooth her and explain what was happening#she would be paralyzed and just let things happen#and it helps to think about that and how she made it through and how i know what is happening and yes it is scary#but it is good and it's growth and i've grown so much and that i can do it if she could do it#it's silly but it has actually helped#meins
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hi guys im not dead in a ditch but i definitely will be after how that election turned out…
um anyways. expect part 2 for that kinich oneshot in maybe *checks calendar* 1-2 week’s time depending on my current pacing :’)
also started working on the rough draft for TATT chapter 2 part 2, so hopefully i can have at least half of it done by thanksgiving 🥲👍
#im. terrified to say the least#it’s not looking good for americans rn guys. esp those of us a part of a minority..#saying goodbye to my rights 🥲#the fact that so many ‘coincidental’ things have been happening#like… 20 MILLION VOTES WERENT FUCKING COUNTED#more shit like my own state counting half the blue votes as ‘frauds’ too like… wtf#anyw pls be patient with me it’s such a scary and stressful time rn.#— [ rambles ] ; eydís talks!
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really really need to get back on mood stabilizers
#im rly such a mess mentally and its so annoying bc things are constantly like#going wrong but in a way that kinda works out so i should be fine but im not fbdnsjs#like terrified abt my dogs state for weeks -> finding out shes rly quite sick but theres treatment and shes doing better rn#scary fucked up horrible experience at work -> nothing physically bad happened to ME i handled it as well as anyone could#going to dublin to see chappell and injuring my foot at the concert -> b's a sweetheart so it was fine and my leg is pretty much ok now#but its just. so stressful and im already having panic attacks daily#plus i have stress dreams every night for the past 4 weeks and wake up terrified its so annoying#i just wanna relax#everyone please keep your fingers crossed that i get put on mood stabilizers at the end of this month and my mental health improves
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My druid has "fuckboy" written all over her
#speculation nation#shes a druid but she does Not look it. nor does she act like it really.#druid stuff exists to beef myself up as a front liner (spores druid ftw)#and to act as an excuse like 'whaaaat why r u so suspicious of me im a druid 🥺🥺🥺 i just want what's best for nature 🥺🥺🥺'#meanwhile here i am hogging ALL the worms we manage to find (or. well. most of them.)#bc im going full ham into my powers lol theyre so useful#this is a game of pressing Every button and seeing what happens. yet still going along the lines of good? approximately?#it very much does feel like the kind of thing a druid drow would do. willing to consort with the darkness#but still ultimately striving for peace and order.#i am just perhaps a little bug-brained to accomplish this :3#ive been playing a Lot of bg3. progressing well through act 2. everything is so very scary and i am just 1 druid 🥺#(i say as if i havent killed literally every single enemy ive come across. im so fucking good at this game.)#the house of healing was by far my least favorite part (so far). that boss battle was TERRIBLE but i managed to get through it.#according to my friends they just talked their way out of it. not me tho. i saw that guy strapped to the table and i was just like#'GET FUCKED BRO' *casts moonbeam* *proceeds to get the shit stabbed outta me*#holy shit he did so much damage. and he was focused ONLY ON ME.......#took me and shadowheart both healing to keep up with the damage he was doing (while astarion and karlach did most of the attacking)#but i did it! hes gone! but holy shit poking around his stuff has been so. eugh.#im in the towers now. so scary. just barely started them tho. gonna look for the prisoners and then proceed from there.#that ketheric dude is fucking terrifying. so big scared about him. but All Men Die The Same 😈#.....well maybe not exactly the same given his 'immortality' thing 😂 but i'll figure it out.#anyways yea check out taltana im going for a mixed feminine and masculine kinda vibes with her. and enjoying it very much.#bg3 spoilers/
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Honestly though I think it’s really a bad sign when I look at Shin Tsukimi and literally feel like he’s a self insert 😩
#the klock keeps ticking#yttd#i wanna replay yttd so bad but i also like Gotta play other stuff with the time i have akskks#but yeah the brainrot this specific character has given me idk if I ever really talked about it but it was BAD#i like obsessively played the game in like 3 days and it was not a good idea lol but just like shin#i had to take like a week to recover from this guy cuz i couldnt stop thinking about him and how hes just like me fr#first off just the very inconsistent personality hes got going on that is very me he has these different personalities he wears to cope with#all the traumatic shit happening hes both so helpless its comical and so manipulative its terrifying#and idk its really interesting how like good and bad he is at being manipulative like hes very smart and can analyze weaknesses and lie so#good not even he knows the truth but hes also grasping at straws he doesnt think things through at all#like the second main game he just didnt prepare at all hes fumbling his way through everything its going so bad#he just wants to go home he wants to outdo the game makers but hes being used by them so bad he wants it to STOP#and its just the way that like. it hits so hard cuz you know hes really not a bad person not at all he doesnt want any of this hes just#being horribly manipulated and doing whatever he can to survive but its also really scary how#well hes able to lie and manipulate and claw his way through but hes also weaker than a grade schooler#and you never forget that either and as much as he cheated his way through he still failed it was all just a cheap trick in the end#and all of this hits very hard like his personality is eerily similar to mine and just the way he thinks and acts#cuz im the same like im weak and a dweeb who likes funny cats but im also emotionally detached and observant and selfish#but where it hits the hardest is his relationship with midori like oooof that one was too real just like#the first person who was ever his friend was horribly abusive and treated him like a child and didnt respect any boundaries#and he just got sick pleasure out of seeing shin be upset and he was like. a groomer#and shin was fucking relieved when he died but also kept his scarf and adopted his personality to survive#and still goes by sou after ch2 and the scene that gets me the most is when shin ai is asked about his relationship with midori#and you can just SEE how horrified shin is because his deepest shame his abuse is being shared to everyone without his consent#and hes reliving it all in that moment and literally seeing who he used to be experiencing the abuse#he just curls into himself and like covers his ears and pulls his hair thats literally what i do AAAAAA#im just so grateful for the direction they took this character kokichi ouma wishes he was shin tsukimi so bad#and yeah just like damn. its scary how similar i am to shin like damn i really am going through it huh oof#I LOVE HIM I LOVE HIM I WILL DEFEND HIM WITH MY LIFE HE DID ALL OF THAT STUFF YOUR HONOR BUT LISTENNNN#have you considered that hes cute and smart and weird and maybe just needs friends who arent assholes
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number one horror game experience is running for your life in fear and then getting somewhere and going "okay, I'm safe here" and then a monster steps into view instantly.
#watching sgs play re village#and running into the courtyard singing 'im alliveeee and she's not heree'#and then immediately lady d is coming up the stairs 'yes she is'#the same thing happened to me playing the re2 remake#i was in the main lobby of the pd after running from mr x for forever and I was like#saying to my sister 'it's okay he cant get me here this is a safe room' saving at the typewriter#and then i get out of the menu and see him fucking stomping down the main stairs just on the edge of my vision#NOT A SAFE ROOM NOT A SAFE ROOM#it's terrifying and funny every time#anyway. idk almost anything about re village so im excited#i played about 2 hours of it and got to the castle and the first daughter turned to bugs#and i was trapped in a hallway and used all my ammo on not hurting her because i couldnt find the way out#and she kept killing me and i didnt want to play anymore#and then we sold the xbox. so that was that.#so. there.#resident evil#scary game squad
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if you dont believe in spirituality and clairvoyance and all that just skippp
so i know it sounds crazy, but i already told my therapist, so idc anymore but does anyone know ANYTHING about mediums. or anyone to contact to help me figure this out. ive been going through a lot the past year but the one i couldnt talk about that was bothering me the most was that i seem to have some sort of clairvoyant.. ability?? that i have no control over. its just as if the universe wills that i know random things that will occur and they happen.
even my family is noticing that it isnt just me making shit up
#like predicting death and random events#viaualizing something in my head and it becomin real after very SPESIFIC things#its not random as very similar things happen to my maternal great grandmother and my paternal grandmother#its becoming a lot more frequent and i want to know if there is SOME way to control it#i grew up around ghosts and spirits so idk maybe its something to do with that#but idk. my first ever experience with clairvoyance was when i was 8 years old or so. it was the strongest one i ever had#i had a very clear dream of how the entire day would play out#and then it did#and it never happened again until the last year and its so scary man!! i had to quit my job because i was being plagued with visions of#my own death if i stayed#i took it as a sign and it hasnt stopped happening since#but ive been SO scared to talk about it. with ANYONE outside of my family hut yknow#this is my personal blog so#i dont really care if ppl think im crazy anymore cause theres just some things in this world that cant be explained#and im terrified experiencing this alone
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Short extract of that one WIP I've been working on !
TW are mention of death/dead bodies, mention of blood and uh I genuinely don't have the word but like. Disturbing way of thinking
It's 1 am and I have a big test tomorrow so I'm just going to post the cancel fic tonight and hopefully I'll be back to my usual posts tomorrow ! Anon if you recognize your ask expect the full thing in like two days unless I triggered myself too much lol
#Cancel fic go !!!!#'I don't get Clive' I do. And it's ugly and scary and I never want to go back to this place again#But also grief is such an ugly thing and too many people think it's ugly because of like crying or being irritated or stuff#No. Grief is ugly because there is a good chance that you'll end up like that. And it's terrifying and you'll HAVE to fight your way back#Like genuinely the guy who destroyed my life wasn't a politician he wasn't even a bad person. But he still hurt me so bad and I hated him#I'm better btw. This was like years ago and I've healed from it =) But also the memory is still painfully there#I hope no one is upset about the trauma fic it was bound to happen. If you are then I'm genuinely sorry I wish I was better#(Although I'm pretty sure the only person I triggered is me lol)#My writing#TW : mention of blood#tw : mention of death#tw : blood#tw : death
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#this just in: moving to another continent to live and work with complete strangers for six months#incredibly distant from every important person in your life and your supportive community#is in fact. incredibly difficult.#like idk it's hard to describe because it's also been amazingly cool and i'm so thankful i get to do this#and like i can see God's hand in so many things that have happened and are happening#and He's providing what i need in such amazing ways#but also i'm exhausted and really really homesick#and i miss my people#and i miss going to chapel at school#and honestly just attending church in a language i understand#and rn i'm dealing with a crisis at least every day about what i'm going to do with the rest of my life#and long distance dating is really hard and need i reiterate i am exhausted and when i get tired and sad i self isolate. which is unhelpful#and generally i'm in that weird state of being where i genuinely have no clue how to persevere and i feel deeply deeply out of my depth#and also God is just. so present.#tbh i'm terrified that the rest of my life is just going to be Like This#and i'm also terrified that the rest of my life is not going to be Like This#because the last 5ish years have been Like This to varying degrees and i've learned and grown so much and i've come to know God so much mor#but i'm so tired.#and i'm tired of getting up every day and dealing with things that are scary.#but i'm scared of a life where i don't because i'm most scared of stagnating#anyway wow congrats if you made it this far into my venting#on the bright side yesterday i experienced one of the weirder (in a good way) social situations i've ever been in#walked into my language learning partner's mother-in-law's house (who i'd never met before) at 10pm and was instantly given two plates#of beautiful homemade (culturally appropriate dumplings) and a cup of tea#and proceeded to stay for 40min listening to a conversation where i understood about 3 words out of every 50#couldn't have experiences like that if i stayed in my comfort zone could i
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Drowning out my feelings with Dr. Pepper, falling back in love with Silence is Golden But Consequences Are Red, and thoughts of Mother Hen Wolf Shifter!Ghost
*rant in the tags if y'all want*
#i have been having entirely too many feelings lately#and not a time nor place to cope#I have been having far too many conversations about the future and it's starting to make me freak out#this aquarium trip was supposed to help me answer the questions I had about what schooling/degree I would need to be an aquarist#all it did though was make me realize that being an aquarist may not actually be right for me#which now means I don't know what I would be going back to school for#which sucks absolute ass because I miss being a student. I miss that freedom and I miss learning#i miss being a college student so badly actually and I honestly regret dropping out. Like I did before but now#I always told myself it was for the best cause it's better than failing a semester and tanking my GPA#but now I've been stuck in this horrible depressive cycle and feeling so fucking burntout I can barely function half the time#now I don't have any time or energy to do things I love let alone do some self learning#I currently don't see any point in going back to school cause I don't even know what I would go back for and it's fucking scary#all of my siblings have had major things happen and are progressing on with their lives#and like I get i'm barely even in my twenties and I shouldn't be panicking this badly about my life#I feel like half of my troubles are self inflicted even though they're really truly not#but I can't help but feel I've doomed myself and my motor functioning is worsening#my executive functioning is down the fucking toilet and I can't fucking fix it and it's upsetting me#but god i just had a birthday this past week and about three years ago when I started college#I really believed I'd be in a much different place at this age than I am now#and it's scary it's fucking terrifying and I don't know what the fuck I'm doing and all I am doing is spiraling really badly
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I'm ready to be 30 tbh
I kept thinking I would want to hang onto my late 20s as much as possible; that being in my 30s would be something scary and hard
but getting older has only gotten easier instead. I am more sure about myself. about what I want and who I am and what makes me happy. sure, there is plenty of difficulty, but now I have experience to fall back on when the going gets tough. now I look forward to the next year, wondering what thing I will reclaim from my lost younger years that I didn't get to fully live in.
my 20s are almost done, and I never thought I'd say it, but I'm looking forward to it
#[static]#truthfully I keep forgetting that I'm Not 30 lol still have a few more months#was terrified of turning 30 up until the end of being 28#and then i realized that it's not so bad and that things only get better even if the world is falling apart#You get better and for all of my teen years and early 20s i didnt believe it could happen#getting older seems scary for a lot of us but it really is a cool and wonderful thing#just having some reflective thoughts on this really beautiful fall day#never thought i'd see myself this old tbh was convinced I'd never see past my early 20s#but the years keep coming and they dont stop coming lmao as the wise ones say
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