#so regardless of the amount because of that I understand that part of my family (and therefore myself) as irish

[bookwyrminspiration]

just found out apparently there is a song in hozier's new album abt language! wanted to rec it to you both because. it sounds very beautiful and also obviously because lyrics: butchered tongue

Oh, really? Cool! I've seen that Hozier songs have been coming out, but I haven't kept close track and didn't know there was a whole new album now.

I'm listening to it now and ough. Okay wow yeah that hurts. Especially that "Until the distance has been shown between what is lost forever / And what can still be known" line, that's incredibly reminiscent of several of the convos we've been having about trying to reclaim what we can, but how it will never be quite the same as what it could've been. And trying to reconcile and be okay with who we are while still feeling the righteous anger at what was taken from us culturally and linguistically.

And then "A butchered tongue still singin' here above the ground". I don't even know how to explain it, but you get it, right? We are butchered tongues, we're alive but with this piece cut from us. But we're still singing, we're still trying, we're teaching ourselves as many sounds and words as these butchered tongues will accept because we're not letting our language passively go. And despite our difficulties and how it's never be quite the same, we're still persevering.

I love this language...partnership? Camaraderie? Connection? Solidarity? we've accidentally discovered--thank you for sharing this song with me <3

[my-autism-adhd-blog]

so… how does autism even happen? they say “there’s only in increase in numbers because they have better ways to diagnose” but I’ve seen two, normal and brain healthy adults have severely autistic kids. not to be “that person” but I genuinely believe it could be due to over vaccinating or all the chemicals we consume in food and products on a daily basis.

so are they just using the better ways of diagnosing as an excuse to why autism is increasing so they don’t have to admit they’re poisoning us? is it really a true statement that the amount of people born with autism has stayed the same and it is just because of better diagnostics?

I just can’t comprehend how two healthy adults, with no familial history of autism or anything like it, is at all possible. it must be what we consume, because the amount of chemicals and bioengineered products we consume daily now is absolutely mind blowing. I could totally see how a mother consuming these things whilst pregnant, and before, could lead to her birthing a child with brain issues.

i’m not trying to be ignorant - I just think autism (severe case - can’t be touched, can’t speak, can’t regulate emotions..) is really really really hard to deal with, for the individual yes but also for the parents. I couldn’t imagine not being able to touch or talk to my child, and I would feel absolutely awful if I caused that by what I consumed.

id like to be a mother someday, I have no family history of autism, nor does my partner. but… I know my limits, and having an autistic child would be quite the battle for me. even though mine and my partners bloodline is clean, is it still a likely risk?

Before getting started: I am NOT going over something like this again, so please do NOT send questions like this.

Question 1:

so... how does autism even happen? they say "there's only in increase in numbers because they have better ways to diagnose" but l've seen two, normal and brain healthy adults have severely autistic kids. not to be "that person" but l genuinely believe it could be due to over vaccinating or all the chemicals we consume in food and products on a daily basis.

Answer: two healthy people can have an autistic child. The same way two healthy people can have Down syndrome. Autism itself is a neurodevelopment disorder that affects how we learn and communicate. These disorders affect both the brain and spinal cord. If you do some actual research, the autistic brain is actually a bit larger than a neurotypical one. We have a smaller amygdala however, which helps regulate emotions. That could explain the emotional dysregulation. This disorder literally affects how the brain works. It’s not the same as a neurotypical one. We’re called neurodivergent for a reason.

Question 2:

so are they just using the better ways of diagnosing as an excuse to why autism is increasing so they don't have to admit they're poisoning us? is it really a true statement that the amount of people born with autism has stayed the same and it is just because of better diagnostics?

Answer: Autism itself is a complex disorder and was barely understood years ago. There’s no sign that vaccines are raising. If it were, then mostly everybody would be autistic. But this is not this case.

Here’s an article about the “autism epidemic” as people like the call it:

Question 3:

I’m not going into this part, because this is where you start to get delusional. Like I said before, it’s a developmenttal disorder that ANYONE can have regardless of family history. Yes, Autism tends to run in families, but there can be some where autism doesn’t run in families. Anyone can have autism. It doesn’t matter if it runs in families or not.

We have gotten better with diagnostics because of our more advanced technology. Autism isn’t rising. We’re just getting better at diagnosing and understanding the disorder. It’s still unknown what exactly causes it or how it happens. Some say it’s environmental, others say it could be genetics.

Yes, autism can be hard and difficult to live with. And the fact that you are insinuating that you wouldn’t or like to have neurodivergent child, then you probably shouldn’t be a mother. I would love my child and take care of them, no matter the circumstances. Even if they couldn’t talk, that wouldn’t make me love them less.

Do some research, spend some time talking to autistic people and parents to see their experiences and thoughts. We’re human beings, just like you.

[risingoftime]

ECHOES OF THE MIND | POOLVERINE X F!READER | CHAPTER TWO

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From your vantage point on the balcony, the world appeared distant and intimately close. The cigarette in your hand, its ember glowing softly, was a ritual, a brief escape from the whirlwind of thoughts and memories that swirled within you.

You often found solace in these moments of stillness, where the city’s rhythm became a backdrop to your internal landscape. The city, with its bustling streets and towering buildings, was both a friend and a stranger. Growing up in foster care had left you with a fragmented sense of belonging, and the cigarette was a small anchor in a sea of uncertainty. Each drag was a pause, a breath amid a life that had often spiralled out of control. Your search for solace was a constant, a thread woven through the fabric of your life.

Despite the challenges of growing up in the system, shuttling in and out of foster care, you remained resilient. The absence of a family, the mystery of your origins, and the note your mother left behind were all obstacles you faced with determination. You refused to let these circumstances define you.

The note your mother left behind was a stark reminder of your beginnings, a solitary piece of paper with just a name—a name that had been both a gift and a burden. It was a marker of your existence, but it had never been more than a name to you, a label without the context of a family or a past. This struggle with your identity was a close companion, a weight that you carried with you every day. When your gifts first made their presence known at the age of eleven, you naively thought that you were cursed, evil in a way. But as you grew, you learned to accept and understand your unique abilities, and in doing so, you found a sense of reconciliation within yourself. No one’s been your knight in shining armour. 

Now, it's just you and Amera. Amera, your loyal friend, has been by your side for as long as you can remember.  It feels as though fate intervened to keep you together because you were blessed to remain by each other’s side regardless of the tumbles and jumbles that came with being in the system. Her presence has been a source of comfort and strength, a reminder that you are not alone. She made life tolerable. As you approached the age of eighteen, the looming threat of being cast out into the world became all too real. They were forced to jump between shelters that were filled with misplaced characters who struggled with mental health, addictions, or both. 

It wasn’t until you had grown fed up with the uncertainties that you decided to take things into your own hands. The world had been unfair and harsh towards you, so you figured it wouldn’t matter how you would tip the scale to your favour. The apartment that you and Amera occupied had been a steal, literally. Amera didn’t know how you pulled it off; at barely twenty-one, you lacked the financial means typically required to secure a two-bedroom apartment in the bustling core of New York City. No one would’ve rented to two young girls with only their high school degrees and part-time minimum-wage jobs. From the moment you set your sights on that apartment, you began weaving a careful narrative to implant in his mind. You spoke confidently about your ability to pay rent, highlighting your financial stability and reliability. You were adept at using your power to play with the landlord’s mind, subtly assuring him of your dependability without stating it outright. And it worked. 

Years later, your ability continues to solidify your place within the building. You hadn’t had to pay rent since entering the apartment. Some minds were more docile than others. But with practice, no one’s consciousness was unmalleable given the right amount of force and will. Logan was the first to prove that theory wrong. 

“I thought you said that you quit.” A voice emerged from behind you, causing you to jump. 

“It’s my last pack,” you countered. 

“So you say,” Amera responded with a laugh. She joined you on the balcony with her mug, knowing it was green tea in contrast to your black instant coffee. Her long red curls wildly framed her freckled face, and her glasses perched on the tip of her nose. She resembled a quirky librarian. Amera sat beside you and continued, “I’m surprised you are up this early; I was just getting ready for my clinical rotation.” She’s in the last year of her nursing program. When she told you about her ambition to go into healthcare, you had convinced her to go forward with it, and you’d “take care” of the rent. Amera remained unaware of how you managed this acquisition. You suspected that Amera thought you did sex work on the side to afford your lifestyle. 

Although you loved Amera dearly, you had never trusted anyone enough to expose your mutant identity, not since you had first discovered what you were truly capable of. 

The presence of mutants is not widely accepted in society; there has been increasing news coverage about the need to control x-gene humans. It wasn’t lost on you that the incident with Logan last night may have left you exposed.  

“Hello?” Amera waved her hand in front of your face, taking you out of your daze. “You okay? It was like your mind went to a different planet.” Her brows were furrowed as she analyzed your face.

“Yeah, I’m good,” you replied, shaking off the lingering unease. “I just didn’t sleep well last night. I got in late from the bar 'cause Wade was fucking around instead of helping me close.” You rolled your eyes as you recounted Wade’s words of wisdom. Amera raised her eyebrows at that. 

“Wade again, huh? I swear that guy’s more trouble than he’s worth. I swear to God, if he’s the reason you’ve been more on edge lately–”

You shrugged, attempting to brush off her concern. “Tell me about it. It’s just been a hectic week, that’s all. It’s nothing I can’t handle, I promise.” you grumbled before taking another pull of your cigarette. 

Amera studied you for a moment, her concern evident. “If you need to talk about it…” 

“Thanks, Amy. You know I always bounce back eventually, but we can talk later when it’s not 5 in the morning.” You appreciated her offer; it was just like her wanting to shield you away from the pain of the world, but you weren’t ready to tell her the truth. And a part of you was unsure if you ever would be. 

She nodded, accepting your answer. “Well, I’m off to my rotation. If you need anything, text me. And maybe try to get some rest. You look like you could use it.” As Amera left, you took a moment to gather your thoughts. Her concern was genuine, but you couldn’t afford to let anyone see your vulnerabilities, especially not with the increasing scrutiny on mutants and the recent incident with Logan weighing heavily on your mind. 

Your thoughts raced as you recounted last night. Logan’s reaction had been unsettling. It was a rare occurrence, and it left you questioning whether your abilities were waning or if something about Logan made him particularly impervious. Is it possible that he was a mutant as well? You hadn’t met another person like yourself before, but of course, he might have had the ability to be unaffected by the powers of others– a walking shield of some sort. If that were the case, then you wouldn’t have to worry. Both of you would be on the same page. You’re delusional. It wasn’t as if you could assume that the man had supernatural abilities, nor was there a safe way to weasel the information out of him without explicitly exposing yourself. 

The hesitation in his demeanour proved it feasible to get ahold of his mind. He seemed intrigued but ultimately chose to leave. That was the issue; Logan could still choose to listen to your persuasion. If you possessed the gift of reading minds, you probably wouldn’t have lost as much sleep over this. Perhaps it was time to reassess your approach. Taking a deep breath, you resolved to keep a low profile and act as if yesterday hadn’t happened. The second best thing to your power of persuasion and thought projection was gaslighting. Deny and repeat. It was the best option until you could find a way to convince Peter to switch your schedule. You’d learned to play the role of a cheerful bartender well, and now it was time to use those skills to deflect any probing questions. You would need to be more cautious, especially with the growing risks associated with using your powers. The last thing you needed was for someone to become suspicious, or worse, to attract unwanted attention. You’ve gotten comfortable before, but as you've gotten older, blaming your ability to get your way on luck was no longer an option. It was time to be more vigilant. 

You had spent the day cleaning around the apartment and picking at the leftovers Amera had left for you. Your body was fidgeting, and it was impossible to sit still whenever you were nervous. Glancing at the time, it was best that you began to get ready before you were late for your closing shift at the bar. You studied your reflection, noting the weariness etched into your features. Amera was right. You needed to get some rest. Coffee and cigarettes weren’t doing your appearance any favours. By the time you were done applying your makeup, no one would suspect a thing. It was days like today; you’re grateful to wear a uniform. It made preparing for work that much easier. Female bartenders at Whiskey Whispers must wear the navy blue logo shirt that is snug and form-fitting with a low v-cut to compliment your blooming cleavage. They were accompanied by high-waisted black shorts that cut across your ass, making you appear more shapely than you were. It was a bit more revealing than you’d typically dress, but it was what brought in the tips. Throwing on a matching tracksuit to cover up, you grabbed your bag to head out for the subway. 

Walking towards the bar, you recognized him instantly. Logan leaned against the brick beside the back entrance of Whiskey Whispers with a cigar in his mouth. He wore a leather jacket with a white wife-beater underneath and his staple Levi jeans. His hair was dishevelled, and it took all your willpower not to stare. He shouldn’t be here, not at this time. Logan usually came for a drink closer to dusk. His presence didn’t allow enough time for you to think. Quickly, you steeled your mind and remembered your plan of laying low. Picking up your pace, if you got inside the back office before you could be followed, surely everything would be fine. It wouldn’t be odd not to greet him since you weren’t clocked to work yet. 

Oh, how you were wrong. Logan’s arm shot out to block the door with record speed. His sudden movement stopped you in your tracks, and you could hear your heart race as you faced the impenetrable barrier of his muscular forearm. The two of you were so close that you could inhale the heavy smoke emitted from his cigar. “Not so fast, princess.” Logan’s tone of voice was brusque but not wholly rude. He had more significant intentions than just catching up for a drink. 

You licked your lips to maintain your composure as if your mouth hadn't almost run dry. “Excuse me, Logan,” you forced your words to come out casually. I need to get settled before my shift.” Logan didn’t move an inch. His gaze felt like he was attempting to burn a hole through your eyes—steady and focused. 

He took a slow and significant drag from his cigar before exhaling the smoke to curl around his chest. “No problem, I just have a few questions. I promise it won't take long; we need to chat.” This wasn’t what you had anticipated. You fought the urge to panic. However, you knew how to handle this, stay calm and keep the conversation as short and sweet as possible. You could feel the presence of your powers stirring awake beneath the tranquil facade that you have shown. It wasn't safe to rely on them in a volatile situation like this in the public eye. 

“Questions about what? Can’t it wait? I have to get inside before I'm late.” Your voice was steady as you feigned impatience toward the man, hoping he’d get the hint. Logan pondered what you had stated and huffed, “Alright, let’s just talk, then.” He yanked the back door open, leaving little space for you to shimmy through. “After you, princess.” 

The back office was dimly lit, with lockers for workers to stash their things and old furniture that threatened to prick you with its tetanus-infected springs. The air smelled stale, and the AC hummed in the background. You needed to talk with Peter about getting the back door key card scanner fixed to avoid situations like this. Anyone could’ve entered through; the only reason no one has bothered is because of Wade’s unstable ass, some of the patrons started a rumour he got a hard-on from the thought of punching things. 

Yet, that didn’t halt Logan’s determination to get a solid answer from you. His eyes narrowed as you set your things inside the locker and began to unzip your sweater to reveal the scandalous shirt. Logan hadn’t taken care of your appearance previously; he rarely kept this much eye contact in a short period. However, now he studied your every move. 

“You know, I’ve been around for a while and seen my share of weird shit. And after last night, I think you’re not exactly who you seem to be,” he stated.

“Not sure what you’re getting at, Logan. I’m just a bartender, trying to make a living.” You rolled your eyes at him for extra effect. 

Logan flicked the ash of his cigar on the tiled floor before returning it to his lips. “Cut the crap. I know you’ve been hiding something.  You’ve got a way of making people do what you want, right?” The way that he posed the question alluded to the fact that he may have already known the answer. You were on your last resort. 

“Do you hear yourself? You’re imagining things. Maybe you had one too many drinks last night. I might need to start cutting you off earlier in the night.” You forced a laugh, but it sounded fake, a bit too high-pitched to sound genuine. 

Logan leant forward to be eye-level with you. You could feel his breath on your skin and couldn’t control your heart pounding. You began to break out in a sweat. Logan’s mannerisms were on the verge of being unhinged; behind his stone-cold brown eyes lay a wild side of him waiting to be unleashed. His voice was low and steady as he spoke, “I’ve dealt with enough mind games to spot a telepath when I see one. So, let’s skip pussyfooting and get to the point. What’s your deal?”

You stared back at him and remained still, although your instincts were screaming to run in the opposite direction, or worse, utilize your power with all your might to make him forget last night had ever happened. “And what if I told you that you’re wrong? What if I said I’m just good at reading people?” You gazed up at Logan through your lashes, trying to gauge his body language.

“I could hear your heart beating out of your chest. Am I making you nervous? I assure you I’m not here to play games. I know what I felt. You were messing with my head, trying to influence my decisions. You don’t do that without some kind of power.” 

Fuck. You balled your hands together in frustration and cursed under your breath. Logan wasn’t going to drop it. “So if you’re convinced I'm a mutant, why not report me? Instead, you chose to harass me at work personally.” 

“I want to know who else knows about this. I don’t want any surprises. If you’re involved in something bigger, I need to know where I stand. You get me?” Logan replied without hesitation. 

Ah, it began to make sense. He was worried about his safety, a secret of his own. “You’re a mutant,” you said, taking a step back, your voice steady but sharp. “You’re not exactly a stranger to mutant abilities, are you? I can sense something in you—something hidden behind that tough exterior. Maybe that’s why I was so drawn to you.”

Logan’s expression shifted, surprise flickering in his eyes before his face hardened again. “Don’t try to flip this onto me.”

“Isn’t it obvious?” you retorted, your annoyance bubbling to the surface. “You’ve got that same intensity, that same ‘I’ve-seen-some-shit’ look that comes with being more than just a regular person. Maybe you’re trying to intimidate me to keep your abilities under wraps. Who else has tried to get into that head of yours?”

And for a moment, the tension between you was almost palpable. “I don’t know what you think you’re seeing, but if you’re making accusations, you better have something more concrete than your gut feelings.” He didn’t care to confirm or deny your question. 

“Logan, you might not be ready to admit it, but you’re hiding something,” you said, jabbing your index finger against his firm chest and feeling a surge of defiant energy. “And if you’re going to question me, maybe it’s time you looked in the mirror and confronted your own truths before someone discovers it for you.” You knew you were getting ahead of yourself, and your patience was thinning. 

He grabbed your hand and held it rigidly. “You think you know what you’re talking about, huh? Just remember that you can’t access my brain. I'm immune to you and your wiles.” His tone sounded like a threat.  He let go of your hand for it to fall lifelessly to your side. As Logan turned and walked away, the room seemed to settle into a heavy silence. You were left uneasy that the confrontation had only scratched the surface of deeper, more complicated truths.

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[embrosegraves]

ℍ𝕖𝕒𝕝𝕖𝕕 𝕆𝕧𝕖𝕣

(request) Fernando Alonso x Fem!Reader Starting a committed relationship means telling all of your deepest secrets

Warnings: Mentions of negative mental health, mentions of abu$e, mentions of su!cide, talks of selfh4rm. I am begging you, don't read this if the topics discussed may trigger you

Note: I've never gone through anything like this myself so, with permission, I have based a little bit of the story on a very close friend of mine. It's not exact obviously, but there are elements of a real experience.

You hadn’t been dating Fernando for very long. Just barely 3 months. It still felt like a very new relationship, even if people said otherwise. It had been enough time to realise that you might genuinely love him. He never pressured you, he never made you feel less than, and he always made sure to tell you that you were enough. Sure it was the bare minimum, but it was always nice to know people could be like that. 

However, the fact was that you were scared to love him fully. You had almost sworn off dating completely because of your last partner. Your ex had made you feel so unworthy of everything. He had almost convinced you that he was the only person who would ever love you. Almost. Thankfully you had an amazing support system in your friends and most of your family. They had helped you get out of a horrible situation and they were with you the entire time, helping you recover from the trauma you had experienced. 

When Fernando had told you he was serious about dating you, you had said to him that it would be a long while before you went further than kissing and holding hands. Like a true gentleman, Fernando had told you that he completely understood that some things would take time, but he was willing to wait for however long it took for you to be comfortable. Which is why today was so important for you. 

“I’m nervous to show him, Y/f/n. What if he runs off after seeing it?” You had called your best friend, who was basically like your sister, trying to get rid of the rest of your nerves and anxiety. 

“Babe, I’ve seen how he treats and looks at you. He won’t run off and you’ll be okay.” She said, “You’re so brave and incredibly beautiful and he will see that regardless of your skin and scars. I promise if he hasn’t said ‘I love you’ before, he definitely will after this.” 

You scoffed. “Thank you but I doubt it. Once he sees he’s going to run for the hills.” 

“Who’s running for the hills?” 

You jerked your head around and saw Fernando walking through the door. You quickly said goodbye to your friend who wished you luck, and hung up the phone. You turned your body so that you were fully facing Fernando. Thankfully he could understand that this was going to be a serious conversation, so he gingerly sat next to you and took a hold of your hands. 

“I need to tell you something important.” You said, keeping your eyes firmly on the space of blanket between you. His thumbs started rubbing circles over your knuckles, bringing you some comfort. 

“I don’t need to know if you’re not ready to tell me.” He said softly. 

“No. You need to know this.” You took a deep breath before you launched into your explanation. It was now or never. 

“When I was in my early 20s, I was dating this guy. He was my first serious relationship that I’d ever had and for a time I thought he was going to be my future. I didn’t realise it at the time but he was very isolating, and controlling. There were times where he would scare me and laugh when I’d cry. He wouldn’t always, but he would often tell me that he was the only person who could ever love me, and for a time I believed him.” You didn’t want to count the amount of times your voice had already cracked. 

“It really took a toll on me. So much that in the last few months of that relationship, I started to hurt myself. Because part of me thought he was right. When he found out what I was doing, he started to- He started-” 

Fernando wiped a tear from your face. When had you started crying? 

Taking in another big breath, you continued. “He started to hurt me as well. He would press on them while they were fresh and he would bruise me to see the colours. If my brother hadn’t walked in, I probably would’ve taken my life.” You finally looked at Fernando’s face and saw that he had begun crying too. Lifting one of your hands you wiped his gathering tears. 

“I decided that if our relationship is going to go further, then you need to see what I did to myself.” 

You slowly stood up, taking your hands from his, and began to shimmy your trousers down until they were pooled at your feet. You kept undressing before you could chicken out. You took your cardigan off and your shirt followed soon after. Standing there, in front of Fernando in just your undergarments, your scars were on full display. The scars on your thighs and stomach had been healed over for many years now but they still looked just as angry as the day they appeared. You had to force your arms to stay at your sides instead of curling around your stomach like they wanted to. You tried your best not to flinch when Fernando brought his hands up to gently trace them with his fingers.

Fernando looked up at you from where he was still sitting. He looked at every inch of your face and he saw just how broken you were. His heart hurt just thinking about all the abuse you were put through. He took hold of your hands again and slowly dragged you closer to him, giving you plenty of time to back away if you wanted to. 

When you stood directly in front of him, he wrapped his arms gently around the back of your thighs and laid his head to rest on your stomach. Your hands were on his shoulders. 

“You don’t know how incredibly strong you are, Mi Vida. You are so, so strong and I’m so lucky to be with you now.” 

By now the both of you had tears streaming down your faces. Neither of you bothered enough to wipe them off. You were terrified of how your relationship was going to continue, if it was continuing at all. 

You felt Fernando leave soft kisses just over your scars, as if he was afraid to hurt you by pressing more firmly. Quiet sobs broke their way past your lips. Your grip on his shoulders tightened just a bit. 

“Please don’t leave.” You whispered, voice heavy with emotion. Fernando loosened his grip and stood up to cup your face in his hands. You brought your own hands to rest on his wrists as he held you. 

“There is not a single thing about you that would make me leave.” His thumb brushed a stray tear away. “I love you more than I can say.” 

Hearing his words, you closed your eyes and began sobbing harder. Your arms wrapped tightly around his waist as you buried your head into his chest. Fernando hugged you close to him and gently caressed the back of your head. 

“Thank you for being brave enough to tell me.”

I hope you enjoyed reading this! I tried my best to write this in a way that was both a little detailed but also very vague so let me know how I did!

as always, likes, replies and reblogs are always appreciated <3

[dollypopup]

Forgive the rant, but it's been weighing heavy on my heart. So much of the speculation of the Lady Whistledown reveal is the nail biting of 'Oh, I hope it's not too bad for Pen!' or justifying how her actions as LW actually weren't that bad in hopes to minimize the fallout

But there seems to be so little care to the fact that Penelope hiding it from him is going to break Colin's heart.

He is so elated to be with Penelope because he feels like this is the one person he can truly unmask with, that he can reveal all his cards to, and be accepted, and he is going to realize that is a one sided feeling in his relationship. Not only did Penelope feel she couldn't unmask in the past, but she feels she cannot do so even after their engagement. Even after he has reassured her of how much he cares for her and how much he trusts her.

I know everyone wants to skip over the angst of it and get to the 'oh look, they're so happy in love!' but y'all

Penelope is going to hurt him. He put his heart in her hands and she's going to crush it. He's going to have to look in the eye the fact that she didn't trust him enough to inform him of this very large part of her life, and he's going to understand that she kept it from him purposefully. Yes, she has her reasons, but like. . .that's painful. It's a slap in the face. Is it fully understandable her not telling him right after he asks? Or before? Of course! A lot happened! She had the most intimate experience of her life in the back of that carriage, and she'd gone through a lot of ups and downs that night, but after that excitement simmered and she had a chance to breathe, she should have told him.

But she doesn't.

Worse, she decides he simply doesn't have to know.

The fact that Eloise has to put an ultimatum on it at all is proof of that. Colin is falling in love with half of Penelope, and she's making it so that he does so on purpose. She is actively hiding half of herself from his eyes, and regardless of reason, when one party of the relationship is open and vulnerable, and the other is secretive, the secretive party is doing their partner a disservice.

Right now the person who has poured the work into the relationship is Colin. He has confessed his feelings first, he made all the big moves, he openly declared his interest in her, he proposed, he proved to her that he finds her desirable, he has hit every single love language in the BOOK. He's said repeatedly how wonderful she is, he's given her an engagement ring, bought them a house, he's chased down her carriage, he asked for those lessons to spend more time with her, he's had physical touch aplenty.

But I feel like so much of us as an audience are riding on the fact that we know Penelope has pined for Colin for a long time, and not understanding that Colin does not know that. And even if he does, she has not shown him that she loves him.

And I need to see Penelope pour into him an equitable amount as he's poured into her. They're both two people who embody 'I want to be so full of love, I forget what it's like to be hungry', and we forget that both of them have been denied affection. This fandom sympathizes the most with Penelope to the point where we don't want to see that Colin has also been pushed to the wayside. This man is starving for love and romance. Not just to love, but also to be loved.

People forget that Colin has been denied affection from his family, from his sexual experiences, even from Penelope. She didn't write back to him the same way his siblings didn't. Colin has been disparaged in his household, too. He's been made to feel like a burden, like he has no right to family funds, hell, he was all but called a pathetic virgin in Season 1 by his own brother, the head of his household, and his mum and Daphne and Anthony all assumed that he needed his messes cleaned up for him and he says aloud no one takes him seriously.

I want to see Colin be loved. I need to see it.

It's not a scorecard, I get that, but if you look at it objectively, Colin has done so much in his relationship with Pen, and she's lying to him. She's keeping from him a secret that reinforces what others have said of him: that he's gullible, naive, too trusting, someone that needs his muck ups solved for him, just a foolish boy caught up in his fantasies. And when the truth of Penelope's deception comes out, and he's going to question if all those people were right all along, and questioning his trust in himself (because, mind, this is the second woman who has said she loves him and has been keeping a huge secret from him, if that happened to me, I'd be closing my heart off for a very long time), he's going to need her to mend the wound that she'll pry open.

Colin said a hurtful thing about Penelope in Season 2, and then spent Part 1 of Season 3 soothing the pain that caused her. Now, Penelope is doing a hurtful thing to Colin, and she will have to heal that hurt, too. He is a tender, soft-hearted person who trusts her completely, and is falling arse over elbow for her, only to then get tripped up on her own web of wires and do a barrel roll in the dirt. And I know they'll choose each other, I know.

But after she helps him up, I need to see Penelope romance Mr. Bridgerton, assuredly, fervently, loudly.

Because he deserves to be.

[evilfrogcereal29]

Hubby!Gromsko x GN!reader

Pspspspsps gromsko enjoyers, here's your food.

No fr tho there is sooo little content for the grommie-guy, even tho im not super confident on how I write him yet, I wanna give all the gromsko lover's somethin to enjoy. In my mind he's like a cross between a dilf and a slightly more intelligent himbo...so.. hope you like that :) enjoy!!

‼️TWs‼️: google translated polish, and a bit of nsfw (but its pretty vanilla), wife being used as a GN term, pregnancy & fears of loosing baby. OH and not a tw but Swagger appears in this so YAYAYAYAYAY!!!

- hubby Gromsko who, since he grew up in a religious, conservative, and traditional polish household, still believes in 'roles' in marriage.

- And by that I mean, he's the husband of the house, and REGARDLESS of your gender, you're his 'wife'. He calls you such in polish and english. You're a man, you say? a man even taller and bulkier than him? No issue. You're his malewife. Put on an apron over that hunky body of yours and swing your hips side to side in the kitchen while making him dinner, and Gromsko will go WILDDDD.

- He understands times have changed though, and does his part around the home when he's not deployed, his own laundry is *not* one of these things. Sorry.

- He lets it pile up, its his worst habit and red flag.

- Too many Dishes? Cleaned. You don't want to cook? no worry kochanie, let him handle it. He wil gladly pass chores onto himself, that's what a good husband does! (As long as its not laundry!)

- He loves showing you off, showing everyone that you're his partner, and soooo much PDA. He's so proud of you, of your home together, of everything. He is a proud man.

- Please never mistake this pride for egotism or being boastful, he is deeply grateful for you. And will gladly step back to let you shine, as much as he always wants to be your strongest, and fight every battle for you, he knows you're entirely capable on your own, but sometimes he forgets and has to remind himself of that, or you have to remind him yourself. He's always flustered after, muttering lots of apologies and speading kisses all over your face.

- Will introduce himself to your friends as "(y/n)'s husband". Will end each introduction of your name to his friend's with "my beautiful/handsome wife."

- when you took his last name in marrige and used it verbally for the first time his heart absolutely melted. For the first week before and after your wedding, he muttered it to himself in private, your first and (new) last name. His cheeks red every single time.

- He used to be ashamed of his real name, it was stereotypically Polish, most people without a slavic tongue couldn't pronounce it right, but when you took it? He wished he could tell the whole world his last name, because it was also your's.

- speaking of wedding...ooooh this man will not let you two have a small wedding, sorry❤️‍🩹

- Within a week of gromsko proposing to you, he was already dicussing the wedding plans, and he was dead set on having as traditional of a wedding as you two could for your lifestyle. He would take off as much time as he needs from work for this, he assures you of that constantly. Work came second to you, thats how you knew you were special.

- Meeting his family at an engagement ceremony is splendid no matter if you show up with a big family, no family, or any amount in between. They're just happy their słonko finally found himself a partner, believing he'd be a 'hermit' forever. They remind you of this *often*, usually to your future husband's dismay.

- He invited everyone from his home town to the wedding. Oh boy. And you bet every single person brought gifts, even the ones who couldn't make it sent some.

- if you are wearing a dress and/or makeup, momsko (gromsko's mother) will be there. You don't need to order a makeup and hair styalist, she WILL do it. She loves you to DEATH, and she also knows what her son loves aesthetically in a partner, she's very attentive like that.

- Dadsko (gromsko's dad lmao) teaching you how to tie a bowtie if you're wearing a suit. Don't be embarrassed, he just finished showing his own son how to tie one an hour ago in the changing room, you two knuckleheads are definitely meant for eachother, he's sure of that☺️

- Gromsko doesn't get to see you til you're walking down the isle, and if only you could take a picture with your mind...

- The look on his face is so pure, filled with admiration. Eyes big and shining, staring at you like you descended from the heavens. He loves you, he really does. More than words in english or polish can describe. He has to stop himself from saying "I do" right then and there. He litteraly started crying!! His best man and cousin, Roland, snickers and uses the handkerchief in his pocket to wipe his cousin's tears. "Jesteś takim dużym dzieckiem, Sobie." He teases, But he also understands that this is a huge day for Gromsko, and he would probably cry too if a charming thing like you wanted anything to do with rough doggish men like them, men that have been hardened by the atrocities of war.

- You were NOT made aware of the fact that rice and barley would be thrown over you two as you finished your vows and 'I do's. Gromsko chuckled, pulling you into a passionate kiss as it was thrown over you by guests and rained down like... Well, rain, over you two, lips still locked.

- After the ceremony, there is little time for dawdle as everyone races to the dance floor. And idc who you are, or how much of a party animal you claim to be or not, you’re never been to one quite like this. Or with quite as much alcohol as this...

- You and Gromsko get the first dance, of course. If you can’t dance that’s just fine, he assures you of it. His arm wrapped snuggly around the back of your waist. He moved himself and you with such purpose, such grace. You didn’t know he could dance like this.

- What he doesn’t tell you is that he practiced everyday alone in the mirror for nearly a month, memorizing the feeling of each movement, arms wrapped around nothing as he pretended what it would feel like to hold you during this dance, he would not fail this. And he didn't. Not a foot out of place.

- It’s SO lively, everyone is dancing, even the little ones and elderly are grooving at their own pace (and with the help of other family members).

- For your honey-moon, you went on a month-long cruise ship around the Baltic Sea. Stopping at some countries here and there, but most of your days were spent lazily tangled, nude, in blankets together inside the secrecy of the cabins’ rooms. And oh yes. Lots, and LOTS of sex. Unlike some of his fellow soldiers, he can go for a LONGGGG time. You definitely get a few noise complaints from the people above and to the sides of you. But Gromsko scoffs them off, as if they just don’t under how much you two are in love.

- He can be a bit hardheaded with some things, especially since he’s such a confident man, occasionally, he finds himself confidently WRONG. Like the time he got into an argument with a guy he caught leaving your shared house as he arrived home, Gromsko was red in the face. Throwing accusation after accusation at the man, saying that if he hurt you, or touched a hair on your body or tried to fuck you, he'd kill his family. Geeze, thank god he didn't overreact or anything.....����

- Not only was the man 1- your childhood best friend, who's known you almost two decades before you ever met Gromsko, but he's also, 2- GAY/STRAIGHT!! (Whatever the opposite of ur relationship is, straight -> gay, gay -> straight) he couldn't even be interested in you! When you explained this to Gromsko in front of a very angry looking friend, he was an apologetic mess. Twiddling with his fingers like a kid who got caught with the cookie jar.

- If he does not have to wear certain clothes. He won’t. Firm believer this man is a ‘home is we’re the pants are not’ kind of man. Walks around the house in only boxers until you remind him he lives with other people (he still doesn’t understand tho, it’s just you, don’t you want to see him, kochanie? Maybe if he flexes his bare muscles just a little harder, you’ll forget why you were so angry with him in the first place ;])

- Sleeps completely in the nude, he’s similar to that of a sleeping bear, a sleeping TEDDY bear that is.

- Will Unconsciously pull you into a hug during his sleep, sorry, you’re now trapped in his beefy arms. And don’t even think about waking him up, he becomes a grumpy grumbling mess, too hazy to understand you, so I hope you enjoy waiting in his big strong arms til morning!

- you can't stay mad at him. He gets like an anxious puppy. Nudging at your side, whining and asking what he did wrong and using every sweet name in polish he could think of.

- He wears sandals and socks.

- Has a man cave, I just know it. Its actually pretty damn clean, but he watches football (soccer) and Occasionally plays games on his xbox (not a gamer, just dabbles in some stuff, idk why but I imagine he plays mostly stardew valley & Deep Rock Galactic) in there.

- Him and Roland secretly meet with eachother, even though there's a serious conflict of interest in doing so, and being caught would probably get them both booted from their respective PMCs, or worse.

- Still, when they are together its like neither of them ever joined the military in the first place. Their mind is anywhere but.

- Gromsko talks Roland's ear off about you, and don't get Roland wrong he loves you as a cousin-in-law, you're a sweetheart and make his cousin happy, but damn, he really doesn't want to know every single detail of your life, its a bit weird, yeah?

- He has to remind Gromsko this, as well as to not overshare in general. I feel like Gromsko does it out of over-excitment/love. Good thing happens/he think of good thing -> he instantly wants to tell someone, thats just how his brain works. thankfully he's not just... Telling strangers things, but his mother knows practically every aspect about your lives because he calls her every night to tell her. He's a mama's boy don't be mean💔

- His mama taught him most of the stuff he knows. He spent more time with her as she stayed home as tended to the kids, while his father worked long days. His mother taught him how to sew, and bake, play the piano, and so much more. Those moments are some of his most cherished. He loves his mom so much.

- Probably has a tattoo of her, her name, or some memoir to her on his body, and maybe one of his dad too

- I don't think they hate eachother, I just think his dad was a bit hard on him cause he had the "you're a man, act like it" mentality for everything, and that only pushed Sobiesław away, but they're closer now, things are better between them.

- Really good at home maintenance but NOT electricity... Please don't ever let him attempt to fix anything relating to electricity AGAIN.

- Loves making you Polish traditional meals, and even moreso when he see's the sparks fly in your eyes as you find something in particular you really like, you can bet he'll be making you that dish at least once a week now.

- He is actually like... Not very kinky. He's pretty vanilla, he likes praise and has maybe a smidge of a breeding kink, but sex for him is mostly just about the passion, he just gets off to seeing how good he and only he makes you feel.

- Oh god oh god oh GOD don't get me started on pregnancy and this man. If you're afab(or if you want mpreg by all means be my guest) he's getting you pregnant. Period. I already belive Gromsko came from a big family, like he's 1, of 7 other brothers and sisters. And that definitely impacts the number of kids he wants, he knows its unrealistic, especially with his job, to have as many with you, as his mother had (also he would never make you have that many OW, THE STRAIN ON YOUR BODY!!) But he would want at least 2-4 kids.

- Please god let this man have daughters PLEASE🛐 he would love a son just as equally but the TEAPARTIES WOULD GO SO FUCKING HARD🗣🗣🗣 he got the fairy princess dress on, with the diamond tiara, and you know fosho that he's bringing mrs. Precious (a stuffed rabbit) to the party as well.

- Definitely the dad who tries to get his kids into sports/athletics young, but if it doesn't stick he wouldn't force it.

- When you revealed your first pregnancy to him he dropped the dishes he was cleaning at the time, shattering them, and nearly dropped you too while scooping you up joyfully. Cheering and exclaiming,

- "och, kochanie, kochanie, sprawiłeś, że jestem najszczęśliwszym mężczyzną na świecie!" He exclaims, now that Roland wasn't around, his tears freefell. He didn't know where he should be looking, your face, or your stomach, now containing a future precious life.

- If he wasn't handsy before he is when you're pregnant, hands always on your belly even before it started growing, rubbing, talking, gentle tapping. You have to explain to him that the kicking won't start til at least 3 and a half months.

- He's intially dissapointed, but he counts the days, and then once the 3 month mark passes he's back to hands on.

- The day the baby makes it's first kick he had his hands there, you were shocked too. And Gromsko even moreso, eyes lighting up. Someone could almost believe he was the one pregnant, if it wasn't for the fact *you* were the one with the bulging belly. He got so emotional whenever's your baby made any major developments. Which is honestly so sweet. He cried again when you showed him the ultrasound, and put the grey and black image in his wallet.

- Tells everyone he knows about his baby the same way he did for you, and still continues to.

- He somehow loves you even more, now that you're carrying his offspring he's even more protective and guarding. He takes more and more time off work despite you urging him, assuring its ok. He mostly takes over the chores and housework, encouraging you to rest, stay stress-free, and eat a lot.

- This becomes a very strange and stressful time for him, as well as yourself. Maybe its your hormones effecting and rubbing off on him, but he genuinely becomes so... Feral? So primal? He holds you tighter, kisses you longer, his fingers dig into your waist possesively when he grabs you from behind, he has to stop himself in your mid and late terms from bending you over the counter and fucking you while playing with your swollen tits, because he's nervous that sex will hurt the baby. But he craves you, every inch of you. You fill the empty spaces in his mind. If theres nothing better to think about, he's thinking about you, about the baby.

- He starts having nightmares about loosing you, and he wakes up in a cold sweat and has to shake you awake, asking if you and the baby are ok. He knows its just his worries getting the best of him. But if he somehow failed his duty and lost you and the baby.... he just couldn't ever go on. Couldn't live in this world that's lacking two less angels..

- "Babies take a lot of energy, you need this Moja miłość, open wide." he coos, spoonfeeding you a homemade soup. Oh yes, he'll feed you too. If you snap at him and tell him to let you care for yourself he will, but he will still feel he need to monitor everything.

- He is not a perfect man, by any means, but by god, does he worship the ground you walk on. You gave him everything he could have every wanted and more, and he will do everything in his power to bring you everlasting joy. You don't even have to ask, lalka.

Tysm for reading I hope u enjoyed, I wanted to go into more detail about the baby but then I realized that kinds of its own thing, so yeah, maybe look out for dad!gromsko hcs one day :3 but tysm for reading these! I'm on a Krueger binge rn so I'll probably start posting more about him, but hot men lurk around every corner so we'll see!

Bonus:

I randomly mentally steered off and started writing neurodivergent hcs for Gromsko and didn't wanna get rid of them so here they are as a fun extra :D

- Gromsko but he happy stims :)

- Gromsko but he nervous stims :(

- ADHD Gromsko but he's mostly hyperactive type instead of initentive or combination :>

- Never medicated, wasn't diagnosed until adulthood. But it should've been obvious since like, the 1st-2nd grade.

- Restless leg syndrome havin' ass (so me, he's me😓)

- I feel like he's the type to carry a fidget toy on him, a stress ball to squeeze, or if trying to be more subtle, a pen to click.

[caeslxys]

I am SO fascinated to get your take on BH's reaction to Ludinus and Downfall.

*****SPOILERS FOR 102 BELOW*****

As someone who left Downfall with a very negative view of the gods, it's interesting to me that BHs (in particular Imogen) kept saying "but you're just like them" about Ludinus and then not realizing that she was saying that the gods are no better than Ludinus fucking Da'Leth. Yeah, Luda is a hyprocrite. Do you realize that the gods are no better? The GODS.

And BHs comparing themselves to the primes/betrayers as this "fucked-up family" completely ignores the power differential. "They're just little guys! We all make mistakes" but you're saying that about entities that can literally sling 9th levels every 6 seconds without using any resources.

Nothing that can feel and be motivated by loss, rage, fear, and revenge should have that much power. Respectfully.

Sorry this took me so long to answer! I’ve been letting my own thoughts simmer and rewatching the episode in pieces to grasp the Many Many different things that happened on my own because it was Quite A Lot and some of it (the delilah of it all, funnily enough) left me immediately with an overall sense of disappointment that I wanted to sift through before talking Thoughts so that I could determine analysis from bias lol. BUT. I DO HAVE THOUGHTS

Long answer under the read more, but tldr: Apart from Orym, Ashton, and Dorian (simultaneously the most and least surprising!) I don’t think we’ve gotten the full breadth of BH’s opinions at all. In part because this a topic of discussion that requires them actually, well, discussing it to form fully rounded opinions on but also, crucially, because they were expressing opinions and emotions in front of Ludinus. This is important, because Orym/Ashton/Dorian make the most sense to have no reason for holding their true thoughts back in front of either him or the party (obviously in Orym and Ashton’s case, but I’ll be honest in not considering what is now obvious—Dorian has no idea who this guy actually is! Of course he wasn’t opposed to raising his perspective!), whereas other characters—namely Imogen—have many more internal steps and hurdles to actually reaching a conclusion that must happen outside of Ludinus’ eye.

Alright. Long version.

I think it truly speaks to the characters that the ones who reacted the most immediately decisive were Orym—the one whose opinions wouldn’t have changed regardless of what was held within that orb (which. sigh)—Ashton—the punk, anti-authoritarian character who has had an established perspective of the gods and their power for quite some time, perspectives that were in many ways cemented in viewing this piece of history rather than dispelled—and Dorian—someone who, as mentioned earlier, has the least amount of context for who Ludinus is, but who also himself was raised in a comparatively high position of social power so as to understand exactly what Ludinus is saying about the gods’ misusing theirs.

And, of course, Imogen. I’ll admit: I was immediately shocked at her response, but in hindsight of course she responded the way she did. I have talked and gushed and wailed before at how deeply empathetic Imogen is, and how it is also her ultimate fatal flaw (demonstrated explicitly here), so of course her first thought was how she saw the feelings and motives behind the decisions made in downfall and not how it was also an extreme over-reach of power and influence. Of course she did. I think the only person she’s incapable of empathizing with is Delilah lmao.

And to that point: A lot of that seemed, on a rewatch and to me, posturing on her part. So much of Imogen is defined by her guilt and shame and self-loathing and its especially prevalent when she is playing leader—a role she is naturally very good at, but doubts constantly because she does not consider herself “good”. So, often, she does what she thinks others perceive as “good” and “right” and keeps her more complex thoughts to herself until she is in a safe space (often with Laudna), and projects who she thinks others need her to be in the moment.

Laudna, in the same vein, also shocked me that she didn’t push the breach of power here. But, again, she is also right next to Imogen in “bells hells characters most driven by/capable of empathy” (though hers is, unlike Imogen’s, often in conflict with her desires in really compelling ways) so on further reflection—and especially taking into consideration the massive amount of shame she is feeling from swordgate—of course she focused on the empathetic side of it all.

Ultimately we didn’t get much time at all for them to actually discuss and dissect their take-aways on all of downfall in a setting and context that would be free of bias and performance. If i’m honest, I think those conversations need to happen individually instead of in a group, though maybe Dorian’s inclusion and obvious clear decision on his stance being more in line with Ludinus’ may just be enough for Orym alone not to break the conversational thread again with his personal grief (and guilt, but that’s another post lol). I think their real opinions have yet to solidify even for themselves, and we’ll see them truly form in the coming episodes. The Delilah of it all notwithstanding.

Speaking of Orym’s refusal to think about anything—I think he and Imogen both are suffering from Predathos tunnel vision. Honestly I’d argue a good portion of fandom is as well. None of that conversation is ultimately about Predathos, it was about the gods and the role they play and the power they use or over-use or deserve. By focusing so intently on what we all already agree is the wrong and bad solution to this problem, we ignore the problem entirely. It’s one of my main issues with Orym’s stance this whole campaign. If we don’t ask what is to be done with the gods, and the campaign just wraps up with “we defeated the bad guys, yay!” well. What of the ruidusborn, who we know are treated unfairly and unkindly and who suffer through no fault of their own. What of the young vanguard members—the kids—who, also, are only guilty of caving to the idea of peace. What of Aeor, what of Ludinus—what of the cycle that birthed them both. To not engage with the questions being asked for hyperfixating on the Predathos of it all is to leave this campaign, in my opinion, on both a deeply unsatisfying but also deeply hopeless note. The cycle will continue. We may not see it—it may be another thousand, two thousand years before another Ludinus rises—but another Ludinus or Aeor or both will rise, because ultimately no change will have been implemented in the problems which resulted in them.

And—final note, promise—I was talking to a friend about this yesterday but when it comes down to acknowledging the societal implications of downfall, especially in Imogen’s case, I do think it’s going to have to be pointed out first. A lot of Bells Hells are characters who have suffered at the very hands they are trying to save, but also suffered in part and specifically due to a lack of access to knowledge about it all. It does not escape me that the very first scene of campaign three is Imogen attempting to gather knowledge on powers that have made her miserable for a decade and being unable to access them in a library due to her station. That is, to me, more and more becoming the underpinning theme of this campaign—especially as all Ludinus is doing in this moment with the Occultus Thalamus is displaying it; again, obviously Ludinus is wrong in his means (and arrogant in his assumptions that just because of his failures that no one else could find a solution) but this, specifically, the spreading of knowledge—that, I 100% find myself in agreeance with. So it’s not that they won’t understand what characters like Ashton and Dorian, both hyperaware of the implications of power here, are or will be saying. It’s that they literally do not know to think about it like that. Why would they. It has been intentionally kept from them.

Anyway I have no idea if that was uh. Sufficient Enough of an answer adksfjd at some point I just started yapping but! I’m intrigued, especially because of Dorian’s adamant belief, in what conclusions they’ll draw moving forward as the discussions truly begin! Hopefully! Hopefully they will discuss it!

[good-to-drive]

your analysis of paul + golden children was superb!!!! you mentioned that for children, abandonment means death. how would you say this manifested/developed in john considering his childhood (who's usually the one we think of regarding abandonment issues)?

Thank you so much, I really appreciate that!!! I always hope someone enjoys my ramblings lol. I definitely think John was deeply shaped by abandonment trauma and neglect, having had caregivers leave him, neglect him, and pass away during his childhood and adolescence, and I think you can see a mix of fear, shame, and anger connected to abandonment/rejection throughout his adult life. 

The best description I’ve read for the mindset of a child in a tumultuous family system is “Don’t let me disappear.” I touched on this here, but it all comes back to the deep, primal knowledge that without a caregiver you will die. It’s called existential fear because it’s quite literally a fear of nonexistence – it’s the knowledge that the only thing between you and death is the adult world, clashing with the knowledge that the adult world is inconsistent and unreliable. It's your survival being fundamentally dependent on a world you can’t control and, based on your experience of it, can’t trust. 

Ideally, children would never be confronted with the possibility of a caregiver dying, leaving, or neglecting them. But obviously John experienced at least two of those things, and arguably all three, and that means he was probably very acutely aware of death as a constant presence in his life. 

I know the way both Julia and Alfred abandoned him is already pretty heavily discussed, but one thing I don’t see people talking about is his life when he did live under Julia’s care.

I'm also not sure abandon is the right word for what Julia did, because I'm under the impression she may not have felt she had a real choice, but regardless it would have been abandonment to John. Children don't really understand that adults also don't control the adult world, and I'm sure he felt that if Julia wasn't his primary caregiver it was because she didn't want to be.

I don’t have an enormous amount of detail on this, but I know from this piece by Psychology in Seattle that Julia would leave John physically alone for long periods of time, particularly at night, to the point that he would have panic attacks and beg neighbors for help. And, again, when children feel abandoned or neglected it’s dying that they’re afraid of. He wasn’t just lonely and confused – though I’m sure that was part of it – he was existentially terrified. Through that experience of serious neglect, being unloved and rejected translated literally to death, which will set a horrible schema in a child's mind.

I think people might ignore this part of John's life because there’s a chance he can’t remember it, but aside from the fact that trauma can lead to early formation of memories, you don’t actually have to be able to remember something in order to be shaped and traumatized by it. And living with an early-childhood trauma you can’t remember, but which still shaped your brain and your perception of reality and your ability to ever feel okay, is a very painful and complex experience. In some ways trauma lives in the brain more than the mind, and being inside of a brain that’s been misused and twisted in a way you can’t get any clarity on is uniquely terrible. I genuinely don’t know if John could remember his early childhood, but there’s no way that experience didn’t instill deep trauma and permanently alter the way he saw and interacted with the world by instilling an early, maladaptive schema. 

It might also be a good time to mention how a schema is defined, which is something I don’t think I’ve ever explicitly done before. This article about the connection between maladaptive schemas and depression is way too long and mostly irrelevant, but this part is important:

A schema may be defined as “any broad organizing principle for making sense of one’s life experience” (Young, Kloscko, & Weishar, 2003, p. 7). While schemas can provide useful heuristics with which to organize the world, they can also be maladaptive when they involve pervasive, inflexible, and dysfunctional cognitions (e.g., Young, 1990). Expanding upon 78 EBERHART ET AL. Beck’s (1967, 1983) cognitive theory of depression, Young (Young, 1990, 1994; Young et al., 2003) has suggested that there are a number of specific maladaptive schemas that develop in childhood and are elaborated throughout life that place individuals at increased risk for psychopathology

A more straightforward explanation might be that schemas describe how you think about the world, and you usually learn them as a kid (sometimes even before you learn to talk), and everyone has them but when they’re really rigid or really negative they can cause a lot of problems in your life. One schema might be “I am unworthy of love.” That’s something a lot of people who experience early-childhood abandonment will develop, essentially explaining their abandonment to themselves by saying it must have been their own fault for not being lovable, and it echoes through their adult relationships by making love feel impossible or fake because it conflicts with one of their fundamental beliefs. A schema could also be “Most people are bad and want to hurt you,” which would make positive relationships in general very difficult to form. 

John also had his primary caregiver change early in life, when he went from being under Julia’s care to Mimi’s, which is always traumatic for children. It’s like being abandoned, except you’re also now dealing with a new caregiver who you don’t know and don’t know how to deal with. All the little things you learned for managing your relationship with your initial caregiver, the knowledge of how they usually react to things and how you can keep them appeased and thereby keep yourself safe, a sense of familiarity and the ability to know if you’re okay -- it's all stripped away, and it's utterly destabilizing and therefore terrifying. It can also make children very scared of feeling loved, because they’ve been taught on a deep level that being given love is a precursor to having love taken away. Of course, it can also make children desperate to feel loved, to be someone it’s impossible not to love. Or it can be a combination of both. 

There’s also evidence that Mimi used emotional neglect as a punishment during John's childhood – i.e. gave him the silent treatment when he did things that upset her. This is already a pretty horrible thing for a parent to do with an adult child, much less a young child who still feels (and is) utterly dependent on their caregiver for survival. I doubt I have to explain why using existential horror as a tool to torture your child when you’re unhappy with them is incredibly cruel and destructive, but it’s even worse for a child who already had a history of abandonment and neglect. And I think by reactivating his abandonment trauma in order to punish him or express dissatisfaction Mimi probably instilled in him very deeply that feeling unloved or rejected is something people do to you intentionally, because they want to see you hurt, because you've made some kind of mistake that displeased them. It would be so difficult for John to see any slight hint of rejection as anything but an intentional, malicious act meant to convey disapproval or retaliation, a conscious choice to hurt him in the absolute worst way possible because they felt he did something to deserve being hurt in the worst way possible. Because, in his experience, that’s exactly what it was.  

This would have created so much shame and self-hate connected to any kind of abandonment, as well as deep mistrust for people he loved and who therefore had the power to reject him. And for most people shame, self-hate, and mistrust are transmuted to anger and then to cruelty. I think you can see a bit of this with how John tended to react with anger when he perceived himself as rejected or overlooked (see also: John’s later relationship with George). Rejection, abandonment, and neglect were incredibly sharp tools in John’s world, both in how they were (sometimes unintentionally) used against him, and in how he himself used them when he felt abused and betrayed. 

Then when he’s still an adolescent Julia dies suddenly, and while John did have a positive relationship with her at the time of her death, it would be hard to construe it as an ideal mother-son relationship. And even if you’re past the point of wanting an ideal relationship with your parent, the fact that you didn't have one (and, in John’s case, that he’d never had a truly healthy relationship with any caregiver) will always be a source of grief. 

Not that it isn’t also horrible to lose a parent who’s been good to you (as with Paul), but it’s the difference between the emptiness of losing something wonderful and the emptiness of never having had that wonderful thing in the first place, and knowing now that you never, ever will. Even if the relationship were already dead, a parent’s death is often when you grieve what you could or should have had, and it’s like any grief in that it never completely leaves you. And the schema you build around that emptiness in order to make it survivable is usually very persistent, too. 

That being said, there’s such a thing as corrective experiences, where (usually through therapy) you reshape your experience of the world and by extension your schemas. My point being that trauma isn't fate and things can always get better.

I also think Mimi was one of these people who expresses love through control and criticism (would love to know more about her and Julia and Alfred’s childhoods, but a lot of that seems pretty opaque, which is so bizarrely universal for toxic caregivers – you know they came from somewhere, but you don’t know where, so you’re trying to draw compassion out of thin air and it’s hard). And there’s a lot to be said about how this translated to John’s relationships with women, how he was shaped by two powerful female presences in his early life who likely never made him feel fully loved, while simultaneously reiterating that being unloved is death. There are also multiple relationships with potential male authority figures that probably connected back to a perpetual state of mourning for his relationship with his father. 

I also think he’s probably like pretty much everybody who had a childhood dominated by fear in that he spent his adult life coping with anxiety and depression, and I’m guessing he was someone whose anxiety probably never dropped below about a 6/10. It’s actually kind of consistent that when people with this kind of childhood get into therapy they rate their anxiety based on their experience of the world, which is that you never really feel okay, you just feel better or worse, so they think their anxiety is around a 3-4. And then over time they start to experience moments of true calm and they realize their default state for most of their life was actually being at least somewhat activated, like a 6+, and that’s why it was so hard to think straight or keep their cool or look at things in a reasonable way. People always say you get the worst of someone when shit hits the fan, but the thing is that for some people that’s just what a normal day feels like. I don’t know how true that is for John, but I do think it’s possible, especially in his early life. 

Anyway, this is way too long, but thank you so much for the question!

[agenderduck]

thinking about how duck and red are two sides of the same coin, opposites yet exactly the same. duck is a square, a cube if you will. he desperately wants to be in control of something, anything. deep down though he wants nothing more than for the trio to be a family because that is where he feels most safe and secure. duck’s can’t live without their flock. he acts out of fear though he’ll never admit it. any slip up on his end could lead to the trio separating again. so he clings to his clipboard and does his visual inventory by compulsion. duck does it to feel some level of ‘control’ because what choice does he have? he hates feeling weak, but most of all he hates the thought of his friends being anywhere but with him.

red on the other hand is a rhombus/diamond, a square slightly tipped to the side. on the surface it seems like a different shape but they have the same amount of sides, and the same dimensions. red says he wants to be dead because in his eyes its the only way he can gain some level of control over himself, though true death will never be an option for them within the cycle. those sweet moments of darkness might be nice for a second but then before he knows it the lights are back on and the house is spinning again.

transport and electricity highlight how duck and red will never have the same courage yellow has to confront his discomfort with the cycle. both will inevitably continue to run from that discomfort. red runs from everything all the time, like duck’s death, or the three of them being a family. he runs from his discomfort with the cycle in transport, and it is far from his first time doing something similar. red is too beaten down to question things like yellow does. deep down he cares for the other two, realistically he can’t live without them, but he wishes he could. red associates them with the house often, and the things he himself can’t be. duck on the other hand runs by desperately trying to hide the fact that hes terrified behind his ego and abiding by the rules. he is consistently beaten down and devalued by it, duck has long since given up questioning why these things happen to him. why would he fight back when bad things will continue to happen to him regardless? the trio could be split up for all he knows,it could put their little family at risk. so when yellow starts questioning things in electricity,duck is not just worried that his friend is acting differently, and out of the norm its also a reminder of the fact that he will never be able to do the same.

they’re not allowed to feel much of anything, forced to put forward the often worst parts of themselves, forced into character types they don’t want to play. red and duck bicker, but its not out of any disdain for each other, quite the opposite really. they respect and care for each other deeply, though they would rarely ever admit it. red, because of his general avoidance, and duck because he assumes its already implied. they huddle together when yellow starts acting ‘wrong’ in electricity because the sense of familiarity they have with each other is comforting. both puppets love and care for yellow, but fail to truly understand him and his point of view. as long as they’re in the light the trio’s interactions with each other will be hollow and limited. for duck and red the only time we see them truly open up around each other is in the dark. only then do they realize they actually like looking at each other. ‘my housemate has really pretty eyes actually…. why am i only just now realizing that.’ they see each other in the fridge scene in a way they’re denied most every other time. they realize that they genuinely enjoy each other’s presence and appearance all while barely being able to see each other. its both intimate and sad. the scene is abruptly interrupted when red and duck question where yellow is who shortly after appears to have come back down stairs, accidentally letting the light back in. anything that was just said goes straight into the shredder. the trio will never be on the same page ever. no real change will ever be made for duck and red with their egos and vulnerabilities getting in the way. so while duck and red have the potential to make each other better on paper, they will more than likely make each other so much worse, they are puppets bound and choked by their own strings.

[thornswoggled]

on chises family, “a storm brewing in the east,” and future arcs

[ive written this post before, but its due for a refresh. now that jasper has been introduced, the whole last half of that post is moot, and i have additional thoughts on chika as well as more context on my thoughts on yori.]

now that fumiki is back in the picture, id like to theorize that yuuki hatori will soon follow. [see post: yori is fumiki and heres why.] more attention being paid to chises life in japan [ch 50, 75], chise wondering why her father “abandoned his role" [ch 57], and elias expressing curiosity over the circumstances that led her to meet seth [ch 74] are all hints towards yuukis story coming to light

one thing TAMB does that i love is how tertiary characters are facsimiles meant to help us understand our main characters. for example, all the dysfunctional pairs we see in the first arc that we are meant to compare and contrast elias and chise to, all in various ways that help us understand the ways their relationship might evolve. these minor characters may seem unimportant, but are preparing us to accept developments in the main cast. i believe there are two characters in the college arc that are prepping us for yuuki hatoris story - seth noel and adam sargent

lets first address fumiki, who ill just call yori. yori seems to have mastery over his eyes, which “have the power to bind [fae]” according to gabriella [ch 51]. this is a power both he and yuuki have, which protects chise and chika for a time. however, chika implies that he didnt always have this ability, or perhaps didnt have the sight at all until he became involved with her. which is strange, considering yori has a “family business” important enough to require he study abroad to train for:

[sources: ch 19, ch 98]

(id like to note that this line about training is almost certainly a result of his "reeducation" in italy, as we already know that his true purpose was to audit and replace simon. but i think theres at least a kernel of truth to it)

lets run with the idea that yuuki started off with weak or nonexistent powers. have any other men in this series been booted from their families because they lacked the skill?

[source: ch 63]

its possible that this “family business,” assuming it exists in truth and is not a fabrication of yoris brainwashing (which i dont think it is, considering he seems specialized in exorcism), eventually learned that yuuki acquired his binding powers, as well as a child with the same ability. again, are there are other men who are forcibly dragged back to their family, to the detriment of their young daughters?

[source: ch 83]

theres a few reasons why i think such care and time was put into the backstory of philomelas family. chise has done much of the character growth thats possible for her at this time, and attempts to “fix” philomela as a way of fixing herself. she projects on her, and for good reason too, since we are meant to compare them almost 1:1. i believe that the amount of time sunk into adam sargents story is meant to warm us up to understanding yuukis situation, regardless of whether we are meant to forgive him for his abandonment. seths story, too, introduces us to the idea of magical families booting their unworthy kin. which leads us to:

[source: ch 42]

going back to the screencap for the beginning, lets give yuuki the benefit of the doubt and assume hes being truthful when he promises hell be back one day. this phrasing is really interesting, and i feel like it implies yuuki knows the place hes going is dangerous. if hes returning to his family, or to some sort of organization (which i say because yori is part of the church), perhaps hes afraid that theyll be taken advantage of. or… maybe he was just lying! there is very little we understand about the church, so there are all manner of reasons why yuuki and yori may have ended up involved with them

regardless of reason, i dont believe that yuuki left because he wanted to. rather, i think he was being summoned. lets look at this little fae that appears twice, just pages apart:

[source: ch 42]

this weasel-like creature appears as soon as yuuki gets home in the first instance, and appears again immediately before yuuki packs up to leave. it looks distinctly different from the abstract, blight-like monsters that trail this family day to day, and id like to theorize that it is specifically keeping tabs on yuuki. in my theory post about yori, i wrote that the fox yori keeps in a tube [ch 51] is a kuda-kitsune, a sort of familiar kept by soothsayers. another word for this type of creature is 飯綱, or izuna, which is read in modern japanese as... the least weasel! yamazaki has solidified her reputation as someone who doesnt shirk on research, and i think this linguistic connection is enough to suppose whether the weasel that summons yuuki home came from the same source as yoris familiar

now, to discuss something i neglected to mention in the first version of this post. the ways in which we can compare philomelas and chises families doesnt end with yuuki. not only is alcyone a sort of elias, but iris is a sort of chika. id like to start with noting that iris' backstory of having been sold by her parents is a reflection of the original backstory yamazaki wrote for chise in the first drafts of TAMB. the dregs of chises old backstory finally gets used when iris' story is revealed:

[sources: merkmal, ch 83]

iris and chika are two mothers who deeply love their children, but are doubtful that they will be able to protect them when it counts:

[sources: ch 83, ch 42]

this next part might be a little controversial, but id like to take a look at the scene when chika snaps. specifically, the way her inner voice is framed:

[source: ch 42]

the black mist that we see in the apartment is similar to other depictions of malevolent magical energy weve seen before, such as the blight elias creates just one chapter before in ch 41 when he languishes over chise leaving him. it also seems to be pouring in from the same window where we've seen the weasel hanging out. the way chikas intrusive thoughts are depicted as a separate, shadowy figure is also remarkably similar to chises inner voice that tells her to kill the nucke-lavee:

[source: ch 61]

its possible that the voice that urges chika to kill chise is coming from somebody else entirely. like how chises curse[s] urge her to violence, i think theres a chance that someone wanted chise and chika to die, but didnt want to get their hands dirty. after all, if the family yuuki left behind died, he would stop trying to leave to reunite with them or retrieve them. being able to frame their deaths as a result of his abandonment would also be great manipulation fodder if he was summoned to wherever he went against his will

to be a naysayer of my own theory, i think it would cheapen chikas death if it turned out that she was not wholly responsible for her own actions. it would also make chises refusal to forgive her less impactful if it... literally wasnt her fault. but the way her attempt to kill chise is visually depicted makes me think theres a nonzero chance she truly didnt want to do it

lets take a look at the way iris' and chikas deaths are depicted:

[sources: ch 83, ch 42]

the visual of billowing curtains was often used in early chapters when it wasnt yet clear what happened to chises mother, and it gets used again when iris dies. and just as chika throws herself off the balcony, alcyone leaps through the window with philomela. im also stuck on the line of "we messed up and let his daughter escape." i dont mean to imply that i think we should hold up philomela and chises respective backstories as 100% 1:1, but they are remarkably similar in terms of broad plot points. if the same force that compelled yuuki to leave also compelled chika to get rid of the remains of yuukis old life, i wonder why it is that no one ever directly tried to kill chise again. did they lose track of her when she began moving from home to home?

speaking of... do we know whether chika took yuukis surname when they married, or the other way around? japanese law requires spouses to have the same last name, but husbands will sometimes take their wifes name. as far as i know, theres no explicit confirmation that the hatori family chise stays with in the OVA are related to yuuki or chika. just as seth changed his name when he was driven from the webster family, it could be that yuuki distanced himself from his past by taking chikas name. after all, if the hatoris who care for chise are truly so fed up with her, why would they not attempt to track down yuuki and "return" her if hes their relative?

(by the way, what yuuki did in taking fumiki was legal. japan is only just now going to start allowing joint custody in 2026, "parental child abduction" was not illegal at the time we're to suppose TAMB takes place, and yuukis disappearance can be considered an instance of jōhatsu. i just think its important for cultural context, because as a western reader i know i tripped up on "wait, WHY was yuuki allowed to do that without consequence?")

do i think that yuuki will ever physically appear in the story again now that fumiki has? i would love him to, but i dont know that chise will ever be allowed the closure of seeing his point of view:

[source: ch 42]

theres such a sense of finality to this line. just as philomela was only able to speak to her father in the form of a curse taking his shape, i dont know that chise will have the luxury of meeting yuuki again. theres a strong possibility that hes already dead, especially if he persisted in attempting to reunite with the rest of his family. frankly, i always thought he looked unhappy with his life in the scenes from ch 42, but his instinct in wanting to bring chise with him makes me believe that only death would ensure he never tried to see or support her again. though, if this is a safe space for me to express a little self-indulgence:

[source: ch 51]

we still dont know who sent yori to audit simon. the church is such a large organization ("a loose collection of private armies," as gabriella puts it in this same chapter) that yori being taken to be reeducated by another branch of the same organization that sent him to audit simon in the first place is not unusual or contradictory. let me first state that i dont think yori has ever been aware that he has a sister, or that he knows chise is in any way related to him (again, this post supposes that yori is fumiki). but in my heart of hearts, in my very soul, i do think it would be just so wonderfully dramatic for yuuki - or any member of his family, for that matter - to send yori off to ensure that elias, and chise by association, are under the watchful eye of someone they can more reliably control. if chise was not worth anything to them when chika died, perhaps their interest in her is piqued now that shes a mage-in-training under the apprenticeship of a vastly powerful creature. even if its not yuuki trying to figure out what the deal is with the mage who bought his daughter, perhaps his family is interested in how she can contribute to them

again, to be a naysayer to my own theories before someone else can be, i doubt that yoris reeducation and months-long stay with simon would be overlooked if a member of yuukis family sent him for the initial auditing. though theres a chance alonza had a hand in making sure his stay with simon continues. we just have to wait and see

under what context might we meet the rest of chises family? i have some ideas, but this soon into the arc everything is too subject to change. im also not convinced any of this will be addressed in the fiendbane arc. after all, yori was first introduced at the beginning of the college arc, and is only now becoming relevant. so all of this may only be laying the groundwork for yuuki to return in another arc, if not this one, which already has a lot cooking with the dragon, the new mage, etc. but then again, we get oberons little prophecy:

[source: ch 99]

it doesnt seem that oberons phrasing in the JP text matches what the great wall of china is called in japanese, but i dont think we are meant to interpret "a distant land" in any way other than japan. yamazaki has a quirky tendency to refer to japan in her works as a faraway land in the east, which extends to spinoffs like wizards blue

with the growing interest elias has expressed in chises life before she met him, and with the appearance of yori, perhaps we will learn more about yuukis story and circumstances when the brewing storm finally breaks. her family may even have something to do with it! but i doubt that any of this will come to fruition during the current arc. so until we get the next arc several years from now... ill leave you with this theory!

[hughiecampbelle]

Succession Preference: Baby Roy Coming Out

Requested: hiya! i was wondering if you could do some Roy sibling headcanons regarding them realizing they are lgbtq+/being in their first (openly) lgbtq+ relationship :3 this blog gives me so much joy, thank you for all that you do!! 💚💚💚 - anon

Requested: Headcanon/fic request :) What if baby Roy came out to their siblings as part of the lgbt+ community? How do you think they would react? Would they be comforting or confused? Especially since most are involved in a conservative news conglomerate. - anon

Requested: Hi! i love your baby roy fics❤️ could i requests baby roy coming out as queer to the sibs? i think it would be so interesting to know their reactions and how logan may have influenced those. thank you so much���🫶 - anon

Requested: ooooh! what if baby Roy was queer in some way? - anon

A/N: Happy pride month, my loves!!! These were all requests from months ago, I'm so sorry it took me this long!!! I never actually came out to my family. I've told friends and (accidentally) a few cousins lol, just not my mom/grandparents/etc. It just feels like it's my business and not anyone else's. Still, I am absolutely in love with this idea! I kept things pretty general so that a larger amount of people could relate rather than focused solely on a single gender/sexuality specifically! Feedback is always appreciated!!! 💜💜💜

Connor doesn't really understand what you mean. Connor is much older than you and the rest of your siblings. He was brought up in a different time. He doesn't really understand beyond the basics. Still, you're his baby. He wants to know everything about you, he wants there to be no secrets between you. So, that means doing lots of Googling and ending up on some sketchy, inappropriate websites. The next time he sees you, and you're able to get a moment alone, he pulls out his list of questions he has for you. Some things you can explain, others you have to figure out before you get back to him. You're still new to all of this. None of you were introduced to relationships and people and expressions that were different than heterosexual and cisgender. You still have a lot of questions and feelings and self-doubts that you have to work through before you can figure out these obscure references your brother has found on the internet. He's so proud of you, that he makes clear, even if he is a little confused. He gets you a little flag and hangs his own outside of his home. No one ever visits him besides you, so you're the only one who sees it. He wants to go to your local Pride and parade you around. Connor loves you, you're his baby. Regardless of your differences, he will always be there for you. Always.

Kendall thinks you're doing this for attention. That all of this is a phase you'll grow out of and realize you were wrong about. You don't officially come out to him. You know better. It's Connor who tells him when you start dressing differently/inviting potential partners over who are more than just friends. Kendall can't wrap his head around it. He doesn't understand that you were born this way, this is who you've always been, and not just a decision you made one day. He doesn't really get that being lgbtq+ isn't a choice. As far as he can understand, you're doing this to get (the wrong kind of) attention from Logan. That you want to be different and act out and so you're doing this. It doesn't matter that you're a rational adult just coming to terms with who you are, he still sees you as an irrational little kid. Connor tries to help by explaining the different colors in the flag/s, but that just makes him more confused and when he's confused he gets angry. When you fight, because when do the Roy siblings not fight, it's the first thing he brings up as a means of saying you're not as adult as you think you are if you're going to live your life like this. It's like a slap to the face every time. When they were married, Rava tried to get him to understand this isn't what he thinks it is, but nothing and no one can get through to him. He is your Mini Logan. There's no getting through to him about the matter.

Shiv is trying to be as comforting as possible. You were a teenager when you came out to her. You were full of so many confusing feelings, feeling you couldn't vocalize to anyone until it just sort of came out. Luckily, it was Shiv you said it to and not Kendall or your father. You were so upset, distressed, lost, she figured comforting you would be first and then addressing what you said. Shiv wasn't bothered by what you had said, who you said you were. She knew plenty of lgbtg+ people in college. She even went to a few gay clubs just to party. Still, she was of the mind that you were maybe a little too young to really know what those words meant. She said this, which, in the moment, broke your heart. Your sister, the person you went to when you were having friendship problems and disagreement with your father, truly believed you were too young to have figured this out about yourself. For so many years you thought there was something wrong with you, and you finally had words to describe it, and this is all she had to say? Of course, as the years go on, and you're more open about who you are in this family, she recognizes she might have been wrong. She would never admit to that, of course. She'll always be the first person you came out to. It's not a great story to have, but the hurt lessens as time goes on and you realize, though you have always known, your family isn't caught up with the times. They can say they're progressive, but it's in name only.

The first thing Roman does is list off as many crude jokes as he can. One after the other, a few of them with slurs, until he's gotten it all out of his system. Truthfully, he doesn't really care what you do or who you do as long as it's not in front of him. He's been ridiculed by Logan, and your siblings, about his sexuality (or lack thereof) that he can't understand why you're willingly telling him this thing about you that will make you different. In his mind, you're inviting the ridicule and blame that'll come from your father (and Kendall). Why would you admit to this? Why can't you just keep it to yourself? Why can't other people just keep these kinds of things to themselves? He's not against it. He's had his fair share of crushes on all types of people. But he thinks that it's a bit much when you start dressing differently or inviting partners to events/holidays. You're making yourself a target for hate and anger and confusion. He's spent his whole life trying to shield himself from those kinds of emotions because it can lead to hurt and abuse. In his mind, you coming out just invites these feelings and issues, leaving you vulnerable. He cringes every time you tell someone new because he fears it'll lead to blame and ridicule. He doesn't understand why you have to be so open about this when, for decades, people like you lived in secret? What's so hard about keeping it a secret? It's safer that way.

[phoenixinthefiles]

Times like these I really wish this app had a text to speech function:

I’ve been thinking about citzenzhip a lot when it comes to the Batfamily, HEAR ME OUT.

Disclaimer: I am not part of an immigrant family so if anything I say is offensive please let me know

So Dick, Damian, and Cass, were obviously born outside the U.S, WHERE’S THE CHARACTER EXPLORATION FOR THAT?

Like Damian and Dick knew English before coming here but there are still other experiences they definitely would’ve gone through.

Damian probably hated/hates the U.S. He was raised on “you do things perfectly-good-you slip up-punishment” (that’s obviously horrible) but the U.S. and all its systems are oftentimes OVERLY complicated. Can you imagine how hard it would be to go from an abusive, perfectly, structured environment, to one that’s constantly divided over the simplest things?

Not to mention that if we’re going with the backstory of him having lived in the desert for the majority of his childhood, there’d be a massive climate change. Like he’d probably have allergies, and maybe eczema.

Can you imagine finally getting to meet your father and you breakout and nearly asphyxiate because of the air pollution. (Slight hyperbole)

Ra’s Al Ghul is a horrible, abusive man but he’s relatively environmentally conscious (still horrible and abusive)

And with Dick?

If we go off Haly’s Circus being an European traveling circus, and his mother possibly being a French-speaking Roma, we can understand why it’d be difficult for him to adapt to life at Wayne Manor.

You travel 3 hours from London and you end up in Paris. A kid who’s used to that type of learning environment would HATE the American school system. He’s sitting in an uncomfortable desk chair listening to a teacher drone on about something he will never use in his life. When he used to be taught physics, while doing a handstand on the railing of the freaking Ponte de Rialto.

Regardless of potentially having ADHD or not, he’s still fidgeting in his seat—yearning for recess. But because this is America (and likely around the early 2000’s or so) his teacher rudely points out his fidgeting and the rest of the class see the boy that looks different from them, acting differently from them as well. And Children can be cruel.

I can’t imagine the experience of being an extroverted child who is used to forming connections with children, who look different from him, BECAUSE of his talents and uniqueness, being thrust into an environment that discourages that,WHILE HE’S GRIEVING HIS PARENTS.

Also Damian and Dick are both tan/brown skinned, and they’re likely going to a rich private school without a lot of people that look like them. (Gotham Academy did not start gaining a more diverse population until Jason came around and that was the reason he wanted to go to public school[I stand by this headcanon…bcus fiction imitates life])

Not to mention the unreasonable amount of prejudice towards Arabs in this country and others. That’s a rough time for a 8-11 year old who JUST moved here and already has a disconnect with his peers due to his abuse and forced maturity.

SO, SO much I’ve said and so, so much I still haven’t. I haven’t even BEGUN to talk about Cass and how difficult it had to be to come to THIS country not being able to understand spoken language at all? She was a teenager when she met Bruce but that just makes different, not better.

Once again I am Black, so while I have experience as a minority in this country, I have no experience with being an immigrant so if I have said something offensive do NOT hesitate to let me know.

Also does this count as me writing something? Probably not huh?

@vhscity idk if you want to read my rant with horrible grammar mistakes.😭😭

[clxja16]

Since Day One

Part 4

Arthur Leclerc X Reader

Genre: childhood friends to lover

Warnings: none

Word Count: 2.6K

Author’s Note: okay I am done, there’s not gonna be a part five regardless. I seriously don’t even know what I would do with this story if I would continue it. Also I don’t know if Charlotte gets endorsements in real life from being an f1 wag, but like I would think she does. I just put that in the story because it fit in that moment. Also this is so late because I wasn’t gonna do a part four but ay wth. Nevertheless enjoy guys.

Part one, Part two, Part three

————————————————

“Auntie Pa,” you called out, as you entered the Leclerc home. “I brought the fish for dinner.” Arthur, Charles, and Lorenzo were expected to return to Monaco by tonight for the summer break.

“I’m still in the kitchen dear,” you could hear auntie Pa, shout from across the home. “May you set the table dear?”

“Of course,” you answered, as you put the fish down, and picked up the stack of plates. “Who’s coming tonight?”

“Just us,” Auntie answered nonchalantly, “the boys, you and Charlotte.”

“Auntie I didn’t know it was a family dinner, I don’t wanna intrude…”

You could hear Auntie Pa sigh, “nonsense, you are family y/n, I don’t know how many times I have to remind you that you are family.”

You blushed at her words, “once more,” you said as you went about setting up the table for everyone while Auntie finished her cooking. You peaked over at the dish she was making, the boy’s favorite. They always had one request when they came home from traveling, Auntie Pa’s cooking.

“I heard,” Auntie started off, “you attended a couple races.” Auntie gave you an eye, as she watched your reaction to her words. Even when you were a little girl auntie always knew everything.

“I did,” you confirmed, “I wish I didn’t stop. I…” you paused trying to get her your thoughts, “I didn’t realize how I hurt all of you, I’m so sorry I never…”

Auntie raised her hands stopping you from continuing on, she had her eyes shut, and it appeared as if she was biting her tongue. “You need not apologize for protecting your sanity and safety.”

“But I should’ve talked to…”

Auntie raised her hands again, stopping you once more, as she stared straight into your soul. “You did what you had to do, we understand that.”

“Thank you,” you said. Auntie Pa always knew what to say to make it better.

“It’s not your fault, that sometimes, my sons can be idiotic at times,” Auntie threw up her hands in exaggeration.

You couldn’t help but giggle at her reaction, “what happened auntie, Charlotte never gave the details.”

Auntie Pa sighed further, shaking her head, as she stirred the pot. “My baby, Arthur, is so much like his father. So protective over you,” Auntie said, as she pointed at you. “Last season, you canceled your Monza trip,” you nodded your head at Auntie’s words, recalling that time. “Then you didn’t go to Russia…”

“Right,” you said to confirm the details. At that point in the season the amount of harassment was overwhelming that you didn’t want to leave your home.

“Then you didn’t go to Abu Dhabi with the family, as soon as we got home from Abu Dhabi, Arthur hit the roof. He told Charles, It was because of Charlotte that you didn’t come to Abu Dhabi.” Auntie explained to you.

“Why would he say that though, I never told that to him,” you asked as you remembered, making it a point that it wasn’t because of Charlotte that you stayed away.

Auntie Pa sighed, “Because at Abu Dhabi, Charlotte had said some things that were only meant for Charles.” You looked at Auntie confused, not fully understanding what she meant, “Charlotte is a darling, but she’s not you y/n. She’s not gonna have those childhood moments with Charles like you, and that’s unsettling for her. She was explaining to Charles that sometimes you make her insecure, your connection with Charles and the rest of the family. Arthur overhead and he assumed that Charlotte told you this, so you stayed away to make things easier for Charles without considering Arthur’s feelings.”

“I didn’t, I wouldn’t,” you started off, trying to explain your side quickly, “that wasn’t…”

“I know dear, don’t worry.” Auntie reassured, as she went back to explaining, “Arthur refused to talk to Charles for the entire off season, even during their trips to Maranello together. It wasn’t until we were having dinner together right before the boys left for Bahrain, and Charlotte asked you to come to the race, herself and you declined it. After you left that night Arthur finally spoke to Charles, and Arthur got one hell of a scolding from Lorenzo for acting the way, he did.”

You sighed, as you recalled that night, “I did wonder why it felt awkward that night. I’m so sorry Auntie, I didn’t mean to cause that…”

“Don’t even worry about it dear, it’s not your fault that my boys are idiotic at times,” Auntie shocked her head with a chuckle. Just then you could hear the front door open, signaling their arrival.

-

“Are you gonna come to Spa?” Charles asked you during dinner.

“Summer break just started and already you’re talking about the races,” you sighed, shaking your head.

“Come on, you’re gonna come to Spa right?” Arthur asked, as he turned in his seat to face you.

“I don’t know, I’m gonna have to think about it,” you answered, looking at Arthur. Your head swirling with thoughts of just how handsome he was, and you couldn’t believe he was yours. You realized you could get lost staring into his eyes. And Arthur thought the same about you, as he stared back. He thought of you, and he couldn’t believe he could call you his.

Lorenzo and Charles took note of how both yours and Arthur’s demeanor changed in that moment. Granted, Arthur always acted a little more carefully when you were around. Constantly trying to impress you, however both Lorenzo and Charles could tell this time was different. It wasn’t Arthur trying to impress you, it wasn’t Arthur trying to gain your favor. Arthur looked at you with pure love in his eyes, there wasn’t a yearning, a pining, a longing look. Just pure, unfiltered, raw love.

Lorenzo and Charles exchanged a look, they both knew you guys finally got it.

-

After the food was put away, the table cleared, the dishes washed, and the kitchen cleaned, did you guys sit in the living room together. As Arthur looked around the room to see everyone together, he thought of his childhood. Of the moments after a long day of karting when you guys would come back home, and then proceed to playing video racing games.

“Super Mario Kart?” Arthur asked the room, knowing you wouldn’t back down from a challenger.

“You’re going down Leclerc,” you answered, as you began to help Arthur set up the game.

“Excuse me, I’m winning this,” Charles responded back.

“Charlotte, are you gonna play with us?” You turned to ask Charlotte.

You watched her smile grow just a bit, “sure.”

The four of you found good seats around the living room as the game started. And when the first round ended, there was only one happy person, so obviously you guys had to play again. You don’t know how many rounds you ended up playing, but there was lots of shouting, lots of laughing, and lots of cheatin going on. Lorenzo and auntie Pa, laughed at how competitive you all got. It was truly an enjoyable time.

After a while it was just Arthur and Charles playing. You took a seat with Charlotte, watching the two boys play their game. Charlotte spoke first, in a low whisper, “how’s you and Arthur?”

You couldn’t help but blush slightly, “we’re good, it’s nice, taking things slowly.”

“I’m happy for you guys, took you both long enough to get it,” Charlotte said with a smirk.

“Yeah it did.”

-

It was about a week into the summer break, when Charles had invited you out to his yacht for the day. Although this wasn’t the first time, Charles invited you out to the yacht, you still were unsure how to dress. Charles said it was an all day thing, so you packed warm clothes for the evening, as well as more, because well a girl can never be too prepared.

When you arrived at the dock, Arthur and Charles were already waiting for you. “You boys didn’t need to wait for me, I would’ve called when I got here,” you said, as the three of you loaded onto the yacht.

“It’s fine, we’re still waiting for more people, so we weren’t planning on setting sail yet.” Charles said, as he carried your bag in.

“Who’s here already?”

“Just us, Lorenzo and mom, Charlotte should be here soon though,” Arthur answered your question.

After getting your things stored away, you followed Arthur out onto the deck where everyone else was. You all sat together for brunch before setting off for the day. It didn’t take long for the rest of the group to arrive, and you guys were off.

You watched Arthur play games with his brothers and a few of their friends. They all took turns shoving each other into the water. You were perfectly content sitting on the side with Charlotte and auntie Pa. That was until Arthur decided that you sitting on the side wasn’t good enough.

Arthur made quick work of pulling you up by your wrist, “no, no, no Arthur,” you protested as he dragged you to the edge. “Arthur don’ t,” you protested once more, while everyone else cheered Aruther on. Arthur bent down, wrapping his arms around your thighs, before throwing you over his shoulder, and jumping into the water.

When the two of you came up back to the surface, it was full of you splashing Arthur. While he had a huge grin on his face, “I’m sorry mon amour,” Arthur said. If you were paying closer attention you would’ve caught his mistake, but instead you got lost in his eyes and his smile. Arthur pulled you close in the water, pecking your lips as an apology. As more cheers erupted from the group.

-

“So you just weren’t planning on telling us?” Lorenzo asked Arthur, as you guys all sat together at dinner. Arthur held your hand, with interlaced fingers, under the table.

“I was going to tell you guys,” Arthur relented, “I was just taking it slow.” Arthur leaned back, now looking at you instead of his brothers.

“Slow? How much slower are you guys planning on taking this, it’s been 16 years,” Auntie Pa said, causing a ripple of laughter through the table.

“As slow as she wants,” Arthur said with a little drawl in his voice, as he stared at you. You felt the red creep up your cheeks and your smile widened at Arthur’s cheesiness. Arthur would really do anything for you, and you were the luckiest girl alive to be with him.

“Are you happy?” Charles’ voice cut across the table, “y/n, are you happy?” You tore your eyes away from Arthur to look at Charles. Charles sat across the table from you, Charlotte sitting next to him.

While you looked at Charles, you thought about what could’ve been. What would have happened if he said yes, years ago? Would you be in the Ferrari garage cheering his name, at every race? Would you be the F1 wag that everyone talked about? Would you have the endorsement deals that Charlotte has? Would you still be in love with Charles? Would you even still be in a relationship with Charles?

As you looked at Charles and Charles looked at you. Charlotte looked at Charles. She wondered why Charles had asked if you were happy. She wondered if Charles wanted you to be unhappy with Arthur. She wondered if Charles was secretly, quietly, jealous that you chose Arthur in the end. She wondered just how much did Charles regret saying no, those years ago.

When you were looking at Charles, Arthur was looking at you. Arthur wondered what was going through your mind. If you thought that Charles was the better choice. If you were thinking about getting stuck with the second-best Leclerc? Or maybe the third-best Leclerc. If you were thinking that you weren’t that happy with him.

“I am,” you answered, earnestly, honestly, and wholeheartedly. “I am very happy,” you said, now looking away from Charles and back at Arthur. Looking at the person you are truly in love with.

“Good,” Charles smiled at you and Arthur, then looked towards Charlotte. He picked up her hand, kissing the back of it, whispering a small ‘I love you.’

-

“I won’t be gone long, just a few days,” Arthur said, as he packed his bag, preparing for another trip to Maranello.

“I know, but you’ll call and text me right?” You asked, sitting on Arthur’s bed, watching him pack.

“Of course mon amour,” he said, smirking playfully at you.

“You know, I thought the point of summer break was to take a break.” You said sarcastically.

“It’s just some contract negotiations, and media duties,” Arthur smiled as he continued to pack.

“Why a few days then and not one?”

“Because I want to actually sign a contract my dear, sometimes negotiations takes days,” Arthur smirked as he pulled you up from the bed, closer to him.

“I will see you when you get back?”

“You’ll be the first,” Arthur smiled, placing a soft kiss upon your lips.

-

“I signed with Dams racing for next season,” Arthur spoke through the phone to you, and even though you couldn’t see his face, you could hear the smile.

“You deserve it,” you spoke into the phone for Arthur.

“Do I?” Arthur asked softly, you could hear the insecurity starting to creep in.

“Of course you do,” you answered quickly. When Arthur and Charles were still karting, Charles was set on pursuing racing as a career, while Arthur was a little more indecisive. So when money started to get tight, Arthur’s career was put on hold. And at the time, one or two years off didn’t seem so bad. It gave Arthur time to appreciate racing, especially since he couldn’t do it to the fullest. Then Arthur turned 21 and he was still in formula 3. When Charles turned 21, he already won Formula 3, and 2. Charles already made his formula 1 debut, he already scored points.

Arthur was already so far behind his brother that every time he made a step forward he wondered if it was because of his ability or because of his name. Every opportunity he got, he asked if he deserved it, or if it was a favor for his brother. Every moment in the spotlight, he wondered if they were there for him or his brother.

“Where are you right now?” You asked to change the focus of the conversation.

“I’m still at Maranello, waiting for Lorenzo right now,” Arthur sighed, you could tell he was still bothered, still insecure.

“Arthur, you worked hard, you deserve this,” you did your best to reassure him.

“Charles was already in formula 1 at my age,” Arthur sighed, you could hear him take a deep breath, “maybe I should stop while I’m ahead.”

“Arthur, Charles has…”

“Hold on,” Arthur cut you off before you could finish your thought, “Lorenzo is here.” Vaguely from the other side of the line you could hear Lorenzo's voice.

“Y/n,” Lorenzo’s voice came through the phone loud and clear, “guess who’s moving into formula 2…”

“I told her already,” you could hear Arthur’s voice, although faintly, through the phone, as he spoke to Lorenzo and not you.

“Oh,” Lorenzo said through the phone to you, “well he’s moving up making big boy steps.”

You couldn’t help but laugh at the excitement in Lorenzo’s voice, “when’s the announcement?”

“Well if no rumors come out, maybe the end of the year, at the very least Abu Dhabi.”

“I’m so proud of him,” you spoke earnestly, “and of you too Lo.”

“Thank you, thank you,” Lorenzo said, you imagined him doing a little bow as he spoke, “here’s your boyfriend back.”

“I’ll call you back when we get to the hotel, I think I have some more media things to do,” Arthur informed, his voice sounding lighter than earlier.

“Alright,” you acknowledged, “I’m proud of you Arthur.”

“Thank you.”

————————————————————

@annoyingsaladstrawberry

[utilitycaster]

Something that I find misses the point so completely it is breathtaking is when people are like "this player hates engaging with their backstory" about the CR cast. It's pretty much never true, and what's worst is that I've seen it the most about Travis and Taliesin, two of the players who I think have the strongest grasp on how to create and engage with a backstory.

The choice to have a character who avoids elements of their past can be a valid, informed, and deliberate character choice. People run from their pasts! People decide not to pursue things for a number of reasons - because it hurts too much, because they're scared to know the answer, because they think the people around them don't care, and because their interests change. Caduceus very much is an avoidant character. He has access to Sending by the time we first meet him, and he never uses it to try to contact his family. That's not Taliesin being stupid or avoiding. That's Caduceus making a conscious choice to not ask the question "is my family dead" because he is terrified the answer is yes. He waits for a concrete sign to go after his family to the point of deep loneliness and self-harm out of this fear. That's a crucial trait that you need to understand him as a character! Ashton is also on some level similar in that he engages in no shortage of harmful, wallowing, and self-indulgent behaviors - and that is a choice. They also have obviously messy feelings about the Hishari and it's pretty plain to see they feel extremely conflicted about their growing bonds with Bells Hells because now they'll feel bad if Bells Hells leaves them. So of course he's hesitant to bring this to Orym, because then he's entrusted Orym with this information, and he has to care, and again, this is a major part of who Ashton is.

The same goes with Fjord and Vandran (and Sabian). One of the core themes of Fjord's story is deciding whether to run from or embrace your past, and which parts of that past you want to bring forward as you change, which means that to explore that, he has to do some running! He makes efforts to learn more about where they are (going to search for Vandran during the Zadash downtime; hiring a bounty hunter for Sabian) but those get interrupted by Fjord's shifting feelings about Vandran, and fact that this is an ensemble and the story naturally shifts.

Which brings us to the practical element. Fjord doesn't want to release Uk'otoa at the time, so it makes sense to return to the mainland and process next steps, and the focus of the story then turns to rescuing Yeza, and then finding Yasha, and rescuing Caduceus's family, and changing Veth back, and brokering peace, and TravelerCon, and Eiselcross. Through this, he still in fact does quite a lot of backstory work (changing patrons and taking a paladin oath, asking Jester to contact Vandran), as well as an immense amount of character growth and engagement with the ongoing story, but Travis doesn't wrench everything off its natural course just to check off every box on Fjord's list, because that would be selfish, obnoxious, and not fun to watch. And Caduceus achieves exactly what he set out to do! He found and rescued his family and found a way to hold off the corruption! Despite his avoidance, he covers all the bases! And as for Ashton...we've had precious little time to cover anyone's backstory in depth other than Imogen's, and we've actually seen a decent amount of Ashton's backstory regardless with their contacts in Bassuras and their interactions with Jiana. There simply was not time in Bassuras to stray from the main objectives and search for the Nobodies, and I think if we had people would be annoyed since that arc already took a very long time (and, for what it's worth, rather like Fjord, Ashton has explicitly asked after The Nobodies. Do not mistake lack of payoff for character disinterest).

It is, to me, incredibly telling this criticism is most commonly seen about the two players who I think also get the most "well they had an central arc/more focus than my fave" criticism.There's no way to make everyone in the fandom happy, and I think Travis and Taliesin are the players at the table who most understand that and give the least fucks about what the fandom thinks, and who (possibly relatedly) have some of the strongest grasps of narrative and what it means to play in an ensemble. Which is in my opinion a major factor in why their characters are so good - even the ones I do not vibe with are fully realized and well-crafted, because the players are not trying to make likeable characters, but rather interesting ones, and they're not trying to take center stage, but rather be generous at the table.

[kitsune-pop]

how do I talk about furry rights without people rolling their eyes and ignoring me? how do I bring up issues like online bullying and exclusion from communities without people calling me "one of the annoying ones?"

furries, in many ways represent transhumanism. now, I don't personally believe every single furry is a transhuman, or even give the concept much thought. however, the very existence of furries reflect the tenets of transhumanism. the idea to reject one's very species, to find comfort and camaraderie with others who share your feelings, to make changes to your everyday life in order to pursue that comfort. you can replace "furry" with "trans" and nothing would change

both furries and trans people have communities that overlap almost completely. I myself am a furry, and I have many fursonas. I am also a therian, otherkin, otherwise known as transhuman. I feel a level of discomfort not just in the perceived gender of my birth but in my human body. I very much wish I was a fox, and often fantasize about being one, or being turned into one in an entirely non sexual way. (if it was sexual, there still wouldn't be anything wrong with it because pursuing personal happiness can only be a good thing)

regardless, concepts like transhumanism have been a part of the furry community for as long as there was a furry community. some of the earliest records show in the summer of 1990 people online who identified more as elves than humans call themselves "elfkin," and as this new vocabulary spread, there were people who identified as animals, both fictional and factual, and they were initially labeled as "otherkin" by elfkin to differentiate from their specific community, and otherkin has more recently been described as "therian" in modern conversations. and we as a people can also acknowledge that the idea of humans turning into something nonhuman is a concept that has existed for as long as man has an understanding of the difference between man and beast. and even further, we know people who have sympathized with the nonhumans, or identified with their plight, in some way, shape or form. this is most often seen in queer communities

now, with this understanding of the idea of furries out of the way, is it any surprise that a huge amount of the trans community, as well as the lgbtqia+ community as a whole, also identify as furries? the modern interpretation of nonhumans existing as themselves happily? the idea that even though you are different, you are still loved and supported by like-minded individuals? is it such a surprise that so many of us had fursonas when we were younger? that as we matured and our understanding of our identities grew and became more complex over time we began questioning fundamental parts of our identities? I, for one, did it backwards. I transitioned, came out as a lesbian, and only then did I become a furry. and since I had all the hard parts of my identity out of the way, that meant I got to scrutinize my concept of what being a furry meant to me. and it allowed me to see the parallels between the trans community and the furry community

telling your family and being mocked. telling your friends and them treating you like an outsider. being outed by others in public spaces and facing public ridicule and shaming. feeling uncomfortable in your body. performing affirmative actions to alleviate the feeling of physical and mental discomfort. finding community online. talking to others and realizing you are not alone, you are not wrong, there are so many others like you. learning new ways to express yourself. still having a feeling of discomfort in how other people, outsiders to your community, will react if they find out what you are. relationships not working because of this part of your identity. only feeling comfortable in spaces exclusive to your community for fear of being gawked at and made unsafe. physical abuse directly because of how others interpret you as a threat, or something that needs to be "fixed." the words "trans" and "furry" are interchangeable here. and in many cases for furries, all of this is applied to them if they simply are furries and don't necessarily identify as therians or otherkin. then it can be seen as a direct one-for-one experience, unfortunate as it is

if more evidence is needed, think about how furries are treated online. the word "furry" itself is treated almost like a slur, calling someone a furry as a derogatory joke, or discrediting them because they are a furry. not to mention the proliferation of aggressive misinformation to further slander the furry community as a whole, such as them being sex crazed freaks, pedophiles and rapists (sound familiar?) the idea that there are "good" and "bad" members of the communities, ones you should listen to (the ones who are palatable, who keep it private, who aren't therian) and the ones you shouldn't listen to (the weirdos, the ones with weird pronouns, the ones who wear weird things out)

trans panic has gotten so ridiculous that there has even been an attack on the furry community by legislation. senate bill 3084 in Oklahoma banned the use of litter boxes in schools based on the rumors of furry children "demanding" this be allowed. this not only shows just how ludicrous the anti trans legislation that's been swallowing up the country has gotten, but how easily furries gets swept up with lgbtqia+ in cishet spaces. I would expect more sympathy for the furry community by the trans community at least, if not the larger lgbtqia+ community. and yet furries are still allowed to be made out to be jokes and insults.

now, I'm not saying that furries have been the target for systemic oppression in the same way the lgbtqia+ community has. but what I am trying to say is that we should step up and defend those who have been by our side every step of the way, cheering us on at parades and helping us figure out our identities. there are a lot of problems with how people both on and offline treat furries, and how it is just allowed to happen. because if you speak up against violence towards a community, you are labeled as "one of the bad ones"

[presidenthades]

Once again, I am doing a series of my behind-the-scenes thoughts for The Golds while I do light edits for formatting, typos, and continuity. Here’s Chapter 7!

My original expected chapter count for this fic was 7 (one stanza of “The Song of the Seven” for each chapter title), but as I started increasing the number, I realized I needed to get creative with chapter titles. For this chapter, I picked the penultimate lyric “close your eyes, you shall not fall” because much of the chapter consists of Aegon helping Jace not “fall” into a further downward spiral, and there’s a certain amount of faith required by all parties that everything is going to be OK in the end.

Originally, Jace’s road to recovery was going to be even rougher than in the final version. She refuses to eat or drink anything, and her family gets pretty desperate to the point of doing stupid things to get her to eat. But I felt like that was unnecessary angst and trauma, and she’s already been through enough, so I dialed it back.

Similarly, she was going to have bad perinatal depression up until and after she gave birth, and there was a sequence where she refused to even hold Cheeseball for some time after he was born. But again, it made me feel like I was whumping on Jace and Aegon for unnecessary pain, so I focused more on the “comfort” rather than the “hurt” part.

This chapter is in Aegon’s POV because it was originally supposed to be the second half of Chapter 6 before I realized it was way too long. After I cut it in half, I debated rewriting it in Jace’s POV, but she’s stuck inside her head a lot this chapter whereas Aegon has a lot more action and growth. We return to Jace in Chapter 8 when she’s feeling more like herself but still recovering.

Orwyle is not a popular character in the fandom, which is understandable. He only gets like one minute of screen time, but that one minute made me think a lot about his character. When he’s a junior maester, he suggests a new poultice to try on Viserys instead of the traditional leeching method, and he shows a bit of doctorly compassion to Rhaenys when Vaemond’s body is being prepared. In the book, Orwyle’s defining trait is that he’s cowardly (he literally rewrites history to make himself look better to the Blacks, and he flees from the ship taking him to the Wall). But I was intrigued by how he ends up working at a mid-level brothel and teaches the girls there to read (how he gets caught later). He didn’t have to teach them how to read, but he chose to anyway (to his own detriment).

Overall I consider Orwyle as someone who’s very talented at his job (healing and teaching), and is actually a pretty empathetic person (good quality in a doctor), but he’s not strong-willed and is willing to cave on his principles to stay alive. Not exactly a villain, definitely not a hero either. So he’s going to do his job and do it well, regardless of his patient (especially in this AU verse where there’s less conflict).

After three years in the Stepstones, I’d be shocked if Aegon didn’t learn first aid (same with Aemond). He’s not necessarily interested in healing and such, but he’s capable of basic combat-adjacent medical tasks. So he knows how to clean and bandage wounds, and he can recognize common healing herbs.

I don’t think I need to explain that Westeros has a pretty poor understanding of mental health and doesn’t know what therapy is 😅. For most people who’ve undergone trauma, they would probably be told “carry on, as you were, etc” and they have to just “get over it.” But Jace is a princess who doesn’t have to worry about earning a living, has an overprotective husband, and is pregnant with a very important baby so her health and comfort are of paramount importance. So she luckily has a supportive environment dedicated to her recovery.

As is stated later in the chapter/fic, Jace fires her remaining LIWs because she’s convinced herself that it’s her fault they were injured/killed, and sending them away from her service will keep them safe. Irrational to be sure, but Jace has always been prone to blaming herself for things. She’s also worried that firing the LIWs will reflect poorly on them, hence her trying to compensate them monetarily. But the offer is insulting to Rhaena, who acts as a LIW primarily out of love. If Jace were more herself, she would’ve realized the implications of her offer equating Rhaena’s love/loyalty with a monetary value.

Initially, Jace’s list of “safe people” is very short: Aegon and Luce. Aegon is self-explanatory. Of all her sisters, only Luce makes the initial list because a) they’ve always been very close and b) Luce was there when they found Jace at the Garden, so there’s an added feeling of security. Although Aemond was also at the Garden, he isn’t on the list because their prior relationship wasn’t nearly as close as the other two.

When Rhaenyra touches Jace’s face while trying to feed her, Jace flips out because the Tyroshi grabbed her face when forcing down the dreamwine and later during his attempt with moon tea.

A little irony in Aegon offering to be Jace’s taste tester, when you think about how he dies in F&B 😢.

During Chapter 7 of the Handbook, Luce picks up three dragonglass daggers from the blacksmith. I mentioned them in the Handbook commentaries, but I’ll reiterate that she intended for Jace, herself, and Joff to each have one, as the three full-blooded daughters of Rhaenyra and Laenor. Jace clearly hasn’t been using her dagger, except to display it on her mantel maybe.

Daemon has decided to develop an emergency protocol in case any of the Targ girls are kidnapped again. I’ve been debating writing a oneshot about it.

Castle kitchens are hot, loud, messy places, and a princess would have no reason to ever go there. In a castle as large as the Red Keep, there are probably multiple kitchens. I imagine the Holdfast has a king’s privy kitchen and queen’s privy kitchen solely for prepping their food, and probably other kitchens too. I imagine the largest kitchens to be in the main part of the Red Keep, and that’s where Aegon puts Gyles and Ronnel. It’s a longer walk to get the pies to Jace and Aegon, but Gyles and Ronnel have a much wider social circle of other servants. It’s also where Aegon has his little office of petitions, and he likes being able to run out and grab pies whenever he wants.

Gyles and Ronnel are used to Aegon, so they’re relatively chummy with him. But they’ve never met Jace before, have only ever seen her at 1000% gorgeousness during her wedding parade, and have heard plenty of Aegon’s stories about how perfect she is. Of course they treat her with more respect and awe than they treat Aegon 😛.

I like to think that Ronnel does become a knight one day, and he wins a tourney in Jace’s name 🥰. And he’d probably take on a house name like Baker to honor his father.

I was trying to figure out how orange juice was made before things like juicers were invented. England had cider presses for apples, but citrus wasn’t really a thing for them back in the Middle Ages. Eventually I stumbled across the citrus reamer, which is definitely something they could’ve carved/created back in the day, but I COULD NOT get over how phallic it looked 😂. Naturally, Aegon finds it hilarious. I’m debating whether Gyles truly is innocent or if he’s messing with Aegon and has a great poker face.

I lingered on the details of how the pies are made because it’s important that Jace sees the process for herself and internalizes that pies are safe foods, they aren’t drugged, Gyles is trustworthy, etc.

I wanted to make sure that Jace wasn’t in a depressed, traumatized torpor all the time, because that isn’t how it works. She can have “good” moments when she’s moving around and seems normal, and then there can be “bad” moments when something triggers her, or she’s having an off day, and she spirals. The important thing is that she’s overall making progress, and it’s OK if she has days when she takes a few steps back.

We got more info in Chapter 8 on what Jace and Luce talk about in the garden. Luce is thinking about her upcoming nameday, which is the earliest date that Rhaenyra will allow her to be betrothed. But then there’s another year until her sixteenth nameday, when Rhaenyra will allow her to get married. Luce is pretty impatient, so she wants to figure out how much canoodling she can get away with during the year in between. So she asks Jace, because she’s positive Aegon didn’t keep his hands entirely to himself before the official wedding 😏.

Aegon is now very loath to ever let Jace out of his sight again, unless he’s 100% sure she’s safe in their room. The Joff incident in Chapter 9 probably doesn’t help.

Luce always haggles, even if it’s about how much distance Aegon has to stay behind her and Jace.

Aegon immediately gets bored of guard duty. I wouldn’t be surprised if he had some form of ADHD: Impulsive, restless, moody, hyperfixation (usually on Jace, but he can get really into his sleuthing).

Hypersexuality sometimes occurs after trauma/sexual violence, hence Jace’s uncharacteristic behavior after the garden scene. And knowing Jace, she’s probably (wrongfully) blaming herself somehow for “leading on” the Tyroshi.

Luce heard the Langward knight gossiping about Jace and got upset, then Aemond beat up the knight to make her feel better, as one does.

Court life means people are always going to gossip and run with the most salacious rumor possible, and it reignites Aegon’s desire for a private life, where he and Jace can live according to their own devices without worrying about what other people think. Unless he pulls a Maegor, he can’t do anything to stop the courtiers from acting like courtiers. So he comes up with the Dragonstone solution, but it’s only a temporary solution. As Otto says in Chapter 10, they are inextricably a part of the game, and Aegon and Jace can only hide away in Dragonstone for so long.

When they were kids, Aegon came up with many plans that got them all in trouble, so Luce recognizes the face he makes 😝.

Aegon has a very soldier mindset of “just pack some clothes and leave,” without thinking about how complicated it is to actually pack a princess’ household. Luckily Luce knocks some sense into him!

I don’t know what winter roses are supposed to look like except that they’re blue, but I liked the idea of petals close together huddling for warmth. And I completely made up Valyrian roses. Not sure if they actually came from Valyria or if it’s named just for the appearance.

Despite everything that happened, Jace is STILL WORKING 😭. What else do we expect from a girl who worked on her wedding night, I guess…

KL has a well system (it’s a big deal during Jaehaerys’s reign), but I imagine the public wells and fountains get real dirty real fast, especially in poorer parts of the city. When Jace was at the Garden, I imagine the girls had limited clean water to offer her for drinking and washing because they have to walk pretty far for good water. So Jace is thinking about that as she writes her well cleaning proposal.

I’ve been thinking a while about writing an Otto POV fic, and one of the ideas I jotted down for myself was that Otto is secretly a nerd about public infrastructure and sanitation. Oldtown seems to be a much cleaner and better run city than KL. I like to think about Otto adopting pet projects that make the capital less smelly and dirty. So Otto is naturally a supporter of a well cleaning project, and I’ve mentioned before that he likes Jace. Also he’s very invested in the pregnancy being successful, so he’ll do his part to reduce stressors.

Once again, the key to influencing/manipulating Jace is not by appealing to her own desires, but by appealing to the happiness and well-being of her loved ones. Aegon knows this, and it’s a good thing he adores her too much to use this power for evil.

Aegon’s household is basically just Gyles and Ronnel, so his departure preparations are quick. I’m sure he has personal servants assigned to him who handle his laundry and such, but he probably bribed them years ago to leave him alone so he can have privacy and sneak out. And he became rather self-sufficient in the Stepstones (although as royalty, he would’ve had servants there too for menial stuff), so he doesn’t want anyone helping him dress or shave or bathe or whatnot.

Aemond is such a bro, holding down a knight so Aegon can beat him up 🥲. Aegon knows Jace would disapprove of him breaking someone’s jaw for gossiping so he’s careful not to leave any evidence on his person.

Aegon also knows how to push Aemond’s buttons, so he easily convinces Aemond to join the Dragonstone vacation. Aemond would probably have invited himself anyway once he found out about the guest list.

While Jace has been reducing the governing work she does during pregnancy, Rhaenyra has been doing more of it. In canon, Rhaenyra seems content to isolate herself with her family at Dragonstone, so I carried over that attitude of savoring domestic bliss into this verse. But here, Jace is an overachiever, and I think her example kickstarts Rhaenyra into being more active too. So Rhaenyra has work obligations, and social ones as she’s been ingratiating herself at court again. It would be difficult to pack up her entire household (much larger than Jace and Aegon’s) and disappear to Dragonstone for 2-3 months, so she can’t immediately leave like the kids can.

Like Aegon, Rhaenyra is a bit paranoid now about letting Jace out of her sight. She’s also had a longstanding petty grudge about Jace picking Aegon as her #1, so she strongly disapproves of Aegon’s plan to take Jace away, even though Dragonstone is very close and technically her castle.

Aegon is not what I’d call emotionally mature, and he’s a troublemaker by nature. So he deliberately responds to Rhaenyra with things he knows she’ll hate hearing. And in the end, he forces Rhaenyra’s hand by telling Jace “of course Rhaenyra would love for us to go to Dragonstone” 😇.

Poor Daeron is too pure for Daemon’s Torture 101 class. Meanwhile Joff has an avid clinical interest in human anatomy, and Daemon is having the time of his life. Targ family bonding!

The Tyroshi put a collar on Jace, so Daemon put a collar on him to make things fair.

The Tyroshi knows he’s never going to escape, and he’s already endured an awful amount of torture/mutilation. At this point his goal is to die swiftly, so he tries to provoke Aegon into killing him.

I haven’t 100% decided the Tyroshi’s backstory, but I’m imagining him coming from one of the powerful conclave families in Tyrosh. There was absolutely no need for him to go to Westeros and make money through usury and slavery; he chose to because he thought it’d be fun to “get one over” the Targaryens by conducting a trafficking ring in their own capital (I imagine Tyrosh having an ancestral hatred of Valyrians, even though a lot of their culture was inherited from them as a result of being part of their empire). Just in case it wasn’t clear what kind of sadistic sociopathic person he is.

Joff has been brooding a lot about Laenor’s death ever since they found Old Willow, and now her guilt is carrying over into recent events with Jace.

We will learn more about the wet nurse in Aegon’s memory in future fics 👀. She calls him “Uncrowned One” because in this verse, he’ll be another Aegon the Uncrowned.

“Three children you shall have with your wife, black or green or something in between.” In canon, Aegon has three kids with Helaena. In this verse…well, I feel like I’ve dropped a lot of foreshadowing about him and Jace 😊. “In between” refers to how there isn’t a strong black/green divide in this verse, but there’s a new faction (gold) that includes people on both sides.

“All of them shall break like your legs and wings.” In canon, all of Aegon and Helaena’s children die terribly, and Aegon and Sunfyre end up crippled. In this verse, there is a close call during Cheeseball’s birth; if the maester and midwives had chosen to save Jace, the process for extracting a stuck baby is really gruesome.

“Unless you keep this little shadow close to the sun.” Jace has gotten a lot of sun imagery in this fic, and Joff is kinda obviously the shadow. It’s because of Joff’s intervention that the birth ends well. So there’s a way to avoid the “broken” part of the prophecy, but the condition must be met.

Aegon is a skeptic when it comes to witchcraft and prophecy, but there’s a reason his subconscious brings to the memory at this moment. Don’t leave Joff behind!

Aemond finds it extremely undignified that Vhagar, the largest dragon in the world and a veteran of multiple military conflicts, has been relegated to delivering baggage.

The stained dancing slippers that Jace finds in her room at Dragonstone are the same slippers that someone (Luce) accidentally ruins in Chapter 3 of the Handbook.

Valyria is strongly inspired by Classical Greece and Rome, so I decided to give them Roman-style bathhouses, which were often decorated with mosaics and has a hot room, warm room, and cold room. The Targs (or whoever built the castle) imported this to Dragonstone, and the volcano means they can get hot water very easily. Aegon was in the guest quarters last time he visited so this is his first time seeing the family bathhouse.

Some commenters suggested that Luce and Aemond are probably canoodling during their trips to the Dragonmont. There might be some of that going on, but Aemond is a huge dragon nerd, so I can imagine him geeking out about exploring the Dragonmont while Luce is disgruntled about him being oblivious to her attempts to make out 😂.

Gerardys is hoping that Jace will be OK with him and the midwives helping her by the time it’s time to give birth. But in case she isn’t OK, he decides to put one of the Targ girls on a midwifery fast-track. He picks Baela because she’s the strongest of the bunch, and acting as a midwife can be very physically exhausting.

Meanwhile, the mysterious bangs in the tower are Joff and Daeron trying to figure out ways to light the glass candle. This involves blowing up some stuff along the way.

Hyrkoon the Hero is part of ASOIAF lore, one of the potential alternative names for Azor Ahai. I decided that he’s the main character in quite a few fairy tales/myths, and every hero needs a sidekick. I invented the sidekick Santus the Swine by combining a half-pig character in Chinese folklore and Don Quixote’s Sancho Panza (whose name is supposedly derived from the Latin Sanctus), and it wasn’t until afterwards that I thought about the Pink Dread (which never happened in this universe because Jace stopped Aegon). I guess Aemond really can’t escape the pig references in any universe 🐷.

Anyway, Aegon’s really lucky he didn’t get himself and baby Jace killed when he shoved their wagon down their stairs. And Jace not being cut by the Iron Throne is a sign, maybe??? 👀👀👀 And yes, there is much symbolism in little Aegon helping baby Jace climb up the throne 🥺.

Chapter 8 commentary here