#so often it’s oh man just think of what we could have had or we were robbed

[technofeudalism]

They should be doing something, I agree, but they can't grind the entire government to a halt without controlling the house or Senate, which they do not. When Republicans have done that, they had majority of the house and Senate, such as when Mitch McConnel refused to allow Obama to appoint Merrick Garland on the Supreme Court. They can't do anything if we don't vote and now we're in this situation.

this is how American liberals mislead people by just being flat out uninformed. you have provided absolutely zero context as to what happened with this appointment. you're spouting talking points painting the Democrats as the victims with no accounting for what they actually did or did not do. they absolutely could have ground things to a halt. you are wrong.

even if you discount entirely what happened afterward - Barack Obama refusing to push Ruth Bader Ginsberg out of her seat when she was 83 years old and dying from pancreatic cancer, which lead to Trump being able to appoint yet another Supreme Court candidate - Senate Democrats even admit today that they had the powers to shut down the Senate entirely in response to Mitch McConnell's obstruction. there were an abundance of debates at the time on whether or not it was even constitutional for Mitch McConnell to block the appointment. they could have sued. they could have fought harder.

they didn't. you know why? because they were confident that Hillary would win the election and they would be fine.

Jun 27, 2018

“We should have shut down the Senate,” Sen. Brian Schatz (D-Hawaii) said Tuesday. “We made a calculation that we were going to win the 2016 [presidential] election and confirm a nominee. And it didn’t work out.” “Hindsight’s 20/20,” said Sen. Martin Heinrich (D-N.M.). “I think I would have liked us to take an even harder line.”

oh and also, because Obama, as he did the entire span of his 8-year presidency, completely underestimated the Republican party and fucked over the Democrat progressive base. does that sound familiar to you whatsoever? do you know who Merrick Garland even is or what they were saying about him in 2016?

For some in the party, the problem began before Obama’s nominee even made it to the Senate. The issue was, frankly, with Garland himself. He was too moderate and too boring for some, and he just didn’t excite progressives. “There were options to pick someone that the base would have been mobilized to support because of who they were and what they represented for the court,” said Heidi Hess, a co-director of the progressive group Credo Action. “Garland felt like a pick to play chess with Republicans, and it didn’t work because they don’t play respectability and civility — ‘Obviously this man is qualified, so we’re not going to block him.’ That was never going to happen.” One Democratic strategist, who requested anonymity to speak candidly, faulted Obama for not recognizing the war he would be waging with Republicans and for not picking a candidate who could fight. “That meant talking to reporters, going on the record, discussing meetings with GOP senators, visiting key battleground states and so forth,” the strategist said.

[ ... ]

But Democrats assumed Hillary Clinton would win the presidency. They discussed whether McConnell would relent and let Garland through during Congress’ lame duck session if she won the election. And there was debate about whether she should renominate Garland or tap someone more progressive of her choosing instead. There was far less discussion about what would happen if Trump won the White House. Blumenthal acknowledged Tuesday that Republicans are “often more strategic” about making the courts a central issue during campaign season. He lamented that Democrats aren’t as good at exciting their voters about the stakes involved.

the consensus among those on the left and legal scholars at the time is that Barack Obama should have been hitting Mitch McConnell and the Republicans with so many lawsuits and used the full authority of the Justice Department to break up the obstruction. a common citizen filed a lawsuit that was thrown out because as an ordinary voter, he had no standing. a common voter sued to stop it, but the Obama Administration didn't.

and not ONLY did legal scholars believe that Obama should have sued, but they ALSO believed that he may not have even needed the Senate's official consent to make the appointment because the failure to respond could possibly be considered the same as consenting.

Here’s the nerdy Con Law argument. The relevant Constitutional provision is the Appointments Clause (Art. II, § 2, cl. 2.), which says, in relevant part: “The President, … by and with the advice and consent of the Senate, shall appoint … judges of the Supreme Court.” The Constitution does not say what constitutes “consent of the Senate,” but throughout history that has been a confirmation vote. But there is no constitutional decree, no statute, and no case law that says a vote is necessary for confirmation. The only Senate Rule on the subject states that “When nominations shall be made by the President of the United States to the Senate … the final question on every nomination shall be, ‘Will the Senate advise and consent to this nomination?’” But nowhere does the Senate in its own rules state affirmative consent by vote is the way a nominee can be confirmed. And, although the Senate has the power to make its own rules, that power, arguably, does not extend to defining what consent means in the Appointments Clause. So if the President makes a nomination, and the Senate fails to act, Qui tacet, consentire videtur. The nominee is confirmed by the Senate’s silence.

as always, liberals have a shitty concept of the events that took place in history and do their very best to distort the facts in the same exact way that they've been manipulated and lied to by the Democratic party for years. you've been told so often that there's nothing they can do that you've actually convinced yourself of it.

there is always more that the Democrats can be doing. you are just complacent with being unrepresented and disenfranchised.

"the Democrats don't have the resources to fight everything!" they don't have the resources to... not... cooperate??? they don't have the resources to not vote yes on appointments??? they don't have the resources to obstruct, filibuster, walk out, object, get in front of every camera possible, do 24/7 live streams, scream it from the rooftops??? then what the fuck do these people have the capacity to do besides make strongly worded statements and bring forward lawsuits that go nowhere??? because they also don't make anyone's lives better when they're actually in charge and have control of the government either.

[furioussheepluminary]

𝐑𝐞𝐦𝐞𝐦𝐛𝐞𝐫 𝐌𝐞...

Pairing: general!hyunjin x afab!reader, established relationship, nonidol!au

Synopsis: hyunjin calls you after a wreath-laying ceremony. he's been holding on for too long and he breaks down in front of you. luckily you're always there to remind him of his strength.

Warning: angst, tiny mention of death, fluff, comfort

A/n: first one for the books! Didn't mean to come off as emotional or whatever I just wanted to try it out. But this won't be happening often so enjoy this pilot episode! (heh)

The dialing tone hummed in his ears as he adjusted the camera on his tablet. The faint glow on the screen illuminated his stark features, under eyes dark and heavy, skin pale from overloading work. His uniform lay at the edge of his bed, tossed along with his cap. After attending the wreath-laying ceremony he barely had anytime to collect himself rushing into his room and locking himself. It hadn’t been easy. The number of colleagues and juniors he had lost over the past months collective with the weight of duty pressing on his shoulders gave him sleepless nights and on days he managed to sleep; nightmares. Sitting by his desk in a vest and trousers he had managed to eat some of the dinner his friend had made for him to “keep his mind off the empty seats at base.” But the remnants lay there beside him getting cold. He only had one goal tonight.

To hear her voice. All he needed was to hear your voice.

Hyunjin always imagined what it would be like if one day you never picked up the phone when he called, or if it wasn’t you that answered. Maybe your new man, claiming you’d finally got tired of waiting around for him. It would be better if you didn’t wait for him at all, start a new life all together. He just wanted you to be happy. To not think about whether he’d die every other day.

A soft chime from his screen signaled the video calls connection which ultimately brought Hyunjin out of his depressing thoughts. There you were, his anchor. Your warm smile thawing his frozen world from miles away. Your hair messy and tousled from laying on the bed. Your figures were wrapped in his hoodie. He chuckled at how oversized it looked but it just made his chest tighten with longing.

“Hey, captain,” you greeted softly, hand raising in a salute. “Rough day?”

“At ease, solider” he replied out of habit. “Baby, I don’t even know where to start.” Hyunjin exhaled, a tired grin playing on his face.

You glanced past him on the screen to see his occasional uniform on the bed. “You had an event today and you didn’t tell me before?” he followed your line of sight and grimaced at the awful reminder the clothes gave him. He turned back to you, playing with fingers. “Yes, but it wasn’t one of the…good ones.” You raised your eye brows in confusion the acknowledgement.

“Oh, baby I'm so sorry.” your hands covered your mouth in a feeling that you said something out of line. “It’s okay, baby. Things like these happen. No one can control it.”

“How many did we lose?” you whispered. Hyunjin’s eyes faced the ceiling like he was trying hard not to cry again. He really couldn't. Seeing a general like him cry was a sign of weakness. He couldn't be weak.

“We lost fourteen, baby.” His voice cracked on the number.

Your heart ached at the rawness in his voice, his normally steady demeanor crumbling in the safe space you'd built between you two. “Hyunjin...” you whispered, your voice thick with emotion.

His lips pressed into a hard line, eyes still upward fighting to keep his composure. “I— I tried. We all did.” He shook his head, the weight of guilt evident in his voice. “But it wasn’t enough.”

“Hey, no,” you interrupted, your voice firm but gentle. “You’re doing everything you can. You always have. None of this is on you.” Your fingers graze the outline of his cheek on your device in hopes that he could feel your touch.

Hyunjin’s breath shuddered, and for a moment, he stayed silent. His hands, calloused and trembling, fidgeted on the desk. He finally looked back at you, his eyes red and watery from the tears he failed to hold.

“B-baby-”

“Sometimes it feels like I’m just waiting for my turn,” he admitted, the confession hanging heavily in the space between you. A lump formed in your throat, but you swallowed it down. “Don’t say that.”. “You deserve someone who’s here. Not someone who might just— disappear.”

“No,” you said with conviction, shaking your head. “I want you. I love you. Don’t push me away because you're hurting.” Your eyes shimmered with unshed tears. You had to be the strong one now. “Please don't do that.”

Hyunjin looked away, jaw clenched, guilt still etched into every line of his face. “You’re my home,” you continued, voice softer now. “And no matter where you are, I’ll always be here waiting for you, Hyunjin. Always.”

His eyes flickered back to the screen, misty and vulnerable. “God, I don’t deserve you.” “Yes, you do,” you insisted. “You’ve always been enough for me.”. “I wish I could hold you right now,” he whispered brokenly. “Fuck, I don't even remember what your hair feels like.”

“Soft as moonlit sighs, slipping through fingers like secrets in the night.” You replied, watching as Hyunjin’s face contorted in cringe. “That's way too much.”

“Your the one that said it. I remember very correctly.” He smiled at her, the shadow of sadness slowly leaving. Then an idea sparked in your mind.

“H-hey you need to remember me right? Remember the things I do t-that make you happy?”

Hyunjin fixed his composure, wiping his stray tears. “Yeah? What do you have in mind, my love?”

“Well, every time you smell blueberries, think of me. Those are always my favorite.”

He nodded in agreement giving a toothy smile.

“Uh...whenever you check the time, remember how I used to grab your wrist to drag you places. When you touch your utterly attractive buzzcut, remember how obsessed I was when you came back with it that night. Oh! Our photos, look at those. Those are our memories. Whenever you struggle with that button on your uniform remember how I'd swat your hand away to help you fix it. God, there are so many things baby.”

Hyunjin concluded. You were perfect. Too perfect for him. As you rambled on and on of how he could catch a glimpse of you in his everyday life he just wondered how you could stay and love a man like him. Seeing you full of expressions and joy gave him the strength he needed.

“Oh, oh and one more the most important one; everytime someone calls your name, remember how I used to call you with so much love. Remember how I used to call you in every moment.”

“I love you.” Hyunjin said softly, his gentle smile calming the tension on his face. Another tear rolled down but he let it. “I adore you, my love.”

His eyes dilated. They were focused on you. On the pure beauty you exuded.

His lover. His only muse.

“Hyune, c’mon stop being sappy. I'm just trying to make you feel better.” You scratched the back of your neck, your cheeks warming up. He didn't listen.

“Your too perfect for me. Fuck baby I don't care if I have to say it a million times. I. Love. You.”

You smiled back.

“I love you too, baby.”

You rested your face in your hands leaning against the table.

"I love you too, Hyunjin. You're my hero, always. Stay strong for me okay? I need someone to take care of me anyways."

He chuckled. You both stayed on the call for a while longer, silence filling the space with unspoken comfort. He’d better find a way to make you his before anyone else did, because you were his. Only his.

“Hey maybe when you come back we can start switching up things at home.”

“Things? Things like what?”

“A room for the baby.”

“A-A WHAT??!”

hehehe thought I'd leave it here...noice cliffie. Did we cry a bit? No? Well I hope so. Again this is my first so comments would be nice.

Liking and reblogging are allowed. Reposting strictly prohibited.

Taglist:

@pixie-felix @pessimisticloather

If you'd like to be added you can drop your blog name in my asks!

~kc. 💗

[rekino2114]

I've got a few Lacey requests, if you don't mind! Could you do either: 6. or 20. for Jay with a male reader 12. for Lacey with an equally insecure transfemme reader. You can do any or none of them if you like! Thank you for considering!

Jay being your secret admirer

Pairing:Jay x male reader

A/n:Sorry, I don't write for trans readers just because I'm not trans myself and don't think I could write them well. Hope you still enjoy this. Also, I did this because I wanted to start writing for Jay and Maisie too to celebrate the lacey games trailer. Also, all of my lacey posts will take place in the same au where all of the main girls are dating their own version of y/n cause they need love.

Lately, you've been receiving some weird things on your doorstep. It's nothing creepy, quite the opposite, in fact, it's very romantic things.

It's mostly love letters in which the mysterious sender writes about how much they admire you and love everything about you. They describe everything about you in details and compliments.

The letters are always signed "your secret admirer" and are often accompanied by flowers, your favorite type nonetheless.

While the content isn't creepy in on itself, the fact that your dear friend Lacey had a similar experience with a stalker, which she thankfully managed to get out of, made you uneasy to accept the letters as actual love notes so you decided to talk to your friends about it.

"You have a secret admirer? Dude That's so cool"

"Is it? It kinda makes me uncomfortable"

"O-oh does it?"

"Yeah i mean, remember what happened to Lacey?"

"......yeah"

"It's not that bad, thankfully but still"

"Don't worry if you're ever in danger just tell us, we can help you"

"Thanks girls, you're the best"

"Don't mention it, it's the least we could do"

You all fist bumped each other and then you started talking with Jay, which seemed uncharacteristically nervous

"Hey Jay, wanna go skating today I know-"

"N-no it's fine I'll just hang out with Lacey and Maisie"

You looked at her a bit suspiciously but shrugged and left, saying goodbye to everyone. Jay breathed a sigh of relief seeing you go away, since she probably couldn't have kept a straight face anymore around her crush, but quickly got worried again as she saw her friends approaching her with teasing smirks on their faces

"Soooo when are you gonna tell him?"

"Eh? W-what are you talking about dude, I don't have to tell h-him a-anything"

"..............."

".....is it that obvious?"

"I mean........."

"It's a miracle he didn't find out yet"

".....y-yeah"

"Why didn't you just confess?"

"You have any idea how hard it is? I was sweating just writing the letter"

"But why? I'm sure he loves you too, you two basically always hang out"

"I don't think so, he probably thinks of me as just a friend"

"Why do you think so?"

"I mean I'm not girly like you two I don't think he-"

"Stop it there, Jay, you're amazing in your own way, and if y/n really loved you, then he'll do it because of who you are"

"Oh.....thanks lacey...i-i didn't expect you to say that"

"O-oh thank you, m-my partner says stuff like these all the time to me so......it just stuck I guess"

"Well did you hear her? Go and get your man, it's even valentine's day so it's perfect"

"Yeah! Thanks dudes!"

Jay said goodbye to her friends and quickly skated away to pick up another bouquet of your favorite flowers and one of the letters she had already written, then rang the doorbell to your house and took a deep breath to calm herself as she saw the door opening

"Hm? Jay? What's with......the....flowers"

"Hey dude, i-i mean y/n, so yeah I'm your secret admirer, please don't think I'm weird I wasn't stalking you or anything I just really know your face, a-and was too scared to confess. I want you to know that everything I said in the letters was true, I really, really like you.....a-and so....wanna be my boyfriend?"

"......I'd love to"

".....wait seriously?"

"Of course, I love you too Jay, I never confessed cause I thought you only thought of me as a friend"

"Really dude!? Me too! I thought I was way too boyish to be your type"

"What are you saying? I love tomboys and you especially"

"Really?"

"Yeah, you're so cool, I love how boyish you are if anything, it makes you special and so I love that"

"W-wow that's great! So are we like a thing or something now?"

You smiled and hugged her, making her blush, then proceeded to kiss her on the lips. She loved your lips so much that she couldn't help but feel disappointed when you pulled back

"Does that answer your question?"

"D-definitely"

"OK so now wanna go skate? As a couple"

"Sure thing dude! I bet it feels so much better than skating as just friends"

"I'm sure it does"

[strawlessandbraless]

Jensen Ackles saw this early script draft and made the choice that Dean would NOT make Cas feel bad for hugging him after the angel thought him dead

In fact, he let Dean be fully embraced by Cas, let him melt into the hug with a soft smile. Dean got to proudly Introduce his angel to Mary without shame or embarrassment, and that’s beautiful

[cherryblossms]

garam was quick to tilt his screen away when angel asked what was so gross, not because he didn't want angel to see the picture he'd gotten but because he didn't want him to see what he wrote in response. he didn't want angel thinking garam was rushing things by the use of the word 'boyfriend' in a sentence. it was a response he tended to give to anybody who made a pass at him online, he had a boyfriend and was very committed to him, regardless of his current relationship status. "oh, you know. some people think it's entirely necessary to send me pictures of their poor excuse of a penis." he was so casual with how he spoke, as if it were something to happen all the time but it wasn't. it's happened to him numerous times over the ten or so years he's been making gaming and streaming his livelihood but it was never often enough for it to bother him. maybe that was because he didn't really look at the the dms people would send him, especially not after his following became significant. while it seemed more common for men to approach him with this avenue, he did have a small handful of women that would send him pictures of various body parts. but he tended to ignore those more, if he chose to open the message to begin with. when angel questioned him, all he did was shrug his shoulders the best he could laying on his stomach before he rolled over and pushed himself to the edge of the bed. "not always," he shook his head, "i don't open a lot of dms that i get, i only really look at them when i'm bored or have nothing else to do." which honestly didn't happen to him very often, he almost always seemed to be busy whether it was streaming, filming, or editing his videos or tending to axel's needs. waiting for angel seemed like the perfect time to look through a few, it was just one of those unfortunate occasion that he actually opened a message containing an image. when angel said he was ready, garam stood up and finally got a good look of the other man. almost immediately, a smile formed and he walked over to angel. "you look really good, almost too good to let you leave." he teased, a hand lifting to boop angel's nose, his hand catching on angel's after dropping it to tug angel along with him as he began walking. "you also have no reason to be jealous. you look way better than any of the guys who send me icky pictures. also, the ice cream thing, we can just bring it back here. i know it's really early, it just sounds good. the strawberries and whipped cream are for something else entirely." he only glanced back to angel once, harboring a sort of mischievous smile before looking forward again, still guiding the man to the front door. "can you drive? i know axel will be able to recognize my car, it'd just be better to leave it here and have him think i haven't gone out anywhere." that is, if he hadn't already gone to work. garam knew it was highly unlikely that he'd miss even just a hour of work to stalk him but he still didn't want to risk it.

Angel could hear Garam's voice floating through the bathroom door as he finished washing up, a smile tugging at Angel’s lips despite himself. The domesticity of it all – him sprawled on his bed, casually suggesting ice cream while he got ready – felt almost surreal after everything that had happened last night. "Ice cream at..." he glanced at his watch, "ten in the morning?" Angel called back, running a hand through his damp hair. The mirror was still foggy from the shower, but he could make out the marks on his neck that hadn't been there yesterday. Garam’s laugh echoed from the bedroom, followed by another disgusted groan that made him curious. Angel wrapped a towel around his waist and opened the door, leaning against the frame to find Garam lying on his stomach, feet kicked up behind him like a teenager at a sleepover. The sight was endearing – this man who'd shown up at his door last night looking like a storm had swept through his life, was now comfortable enough to make himself at home. "What's so gross?" The raven-haired man asked, padding over to his dresser. Deciding to match the blue trim on the other’s vest he grabbed a turtleneck neck the same blue. With a dark pair of jeans. The morning light streamed through Angel’s window catching the water droplets still clinging to his shoulders, and he heard a slight intake of breath. It was strange how quickly things could change. Yesterday they had been just friends, and now... well, Garam was lying in his bed, scrolling through his phone and planning our day like he belonged there. Maybe he did. "Do you always get random dick pics in your DMs?" He asked, amusement coloring his tone as Angel turned to face him, clean shirt in hand. "Or am I going to have to get jealous?" The taller man teased pulling the turtleneck on and soon followed the rest of his clothes. His hair dripped wet as he pulled it back, a loose strand falling into his line of vision. “I’m ready when you are”

[r0zzk1ll]

"this man, is weird.. CRAZY weird.." "he was always very bright.."

[longagoitwastuesday]

I have learnt things about Geto that I wish I could unlearn

[pup-pee]

my father telling me how scared he was when i ran away from the house but i cant express how scared i was 2 b in the house

hey, whats up w/that?

[opinions-about-tiaras]

I'm going to get up on my hobbyhorse again!

Agents of SHIELD has a crucial difference from all of Disney's streaming shows. It was aired on network TV, in prime time. It was absolutely forced to adhere to fixed running times interrupted at pre-set intervals by commercials breaks. It was forced to adhere to quaint things like "a traditional three-act structure."

Now, good structure cannot save bad writing, of course. But it can make workmanlike, entirely functional writing (which is basically what AoS had for most of its run; it was never incredible, but also rarely dire) seem more solid than it is, because it turns out the basics of storytelling structure in the broadcast medium were worked out many, many decades ago and they have merit to them.

Disney's streaming shows didn't have this. Because streaming, they could be "whatever." Length and act structure and whatnot were completely arbitrary. Need an extra two minutes? Sure, you can have that! Are you short by thirty seconds? No you're not!

This sounds incredibly freeing, right? Only it turns out a lot of writers just straight-up didn't know how to write a show without that basic foundation, that skeleton, of structure holding them up. In addition to their other sins, the Disney streaming shows almost universally feel flabby. Unsure of themselves and how to get form point A to point B. They often noodle around aimlessly, because you can tell that the episode got where it was going to go around the fifteen minute mark, but they can't just END it there, fifteen minutes is too short, but also they're not prepared to move to a whole other episodes worth of plot beats, so they just... spin their wheels. And then you get to the end of their eight-episode season and its "oh, shit gotta cram a ton of stuff in."

(This is, I believe, an outgrowth of the writers trying to write like they're writing movies, rather than TV. But that's another thing.)

Now, this kind of flabby structure could have been rescued if the writing had been absolutely astounding. There are plenty of movies and TV shows that are meandering, ill-structured MESSES (I'm looking in the direction of the recently-deceased and much-mourned David Lynch here) but they manage to be beloved, even successful, anyhow because the writing is SHARP. But the writing isn't sharp. It's mediocre. And while good structure can't save bad writing, bad structure can absolutely doom mediocre writing.

It feels reductive to say "they just needed better writing" but, well, they kinda do. Streaming is so high-stakes. Eight episodes, once every two years, for a lot of series? Man, you need to fucking park it deep every single time. Agents of SHIELD had another advantage; it was airing twenty episodes a year. Some of them could be dogshit! Some of them WERE dogshit! But if you had two really bad ones in a row, it wasn't "well that's a quarter of the season wasted."

You can absolutely use your streaming shows as a synergy platform. I think that could work very well. People were super open to the idea! Everybody pretends to be so over everything but I'm so old I remember how excited we all were in 2020, "oh boy, my favorite stuff is coming to TV! Bucky Barnes and Sam Wilson are going to hang out, not just for a few minutes in a two-hour movie, but for MANY hours! On TV!"

But man, the writing has to be there. The structure has to be there. If they aren't, all you have left is a soulless synergy monster laid bare to the world, and people kinda don't like that. It makes them not eager to see Bucky and Sam again.

When Marvel started doing TV shows they were adamant they weren't necessary to understand the movies. One of the first things they said was that even though the show resurrected a well-liked side character, him being alive would never, ever be referenced outside the show. & they stuck to that. Anyway that and some Netflix shows later & they're straight up killing off movie characters permanently in random miniseries

Agents of SHIELD is better received than 90% of the Marvel shows despite Marvel ditching the idea of it as a platform for synergy early on & letting it just exist as a network adventure show for seven years, largely independent of the shared universe. It doesn't even mention the purple man's finger snap. Wait did I say "despite"? I mean "because" they did that. Very much because and not despite

[keeps-ache]

been telling my siblings 'you would NOT make it in vulcan academy' when they do smth goofy recently and nobody's been able to refute lol

[prlssprfctn]

Jason, being a semi-canonic common hallucination in the family after his death, could lead to the stupidest AU ever.

Imagine everyone seeing him — Bruce, half of the time, Dick non-stop, Tim more often than not, and eventually even Alfred starts seeing little boy's silhouette in the corner of his eye, but he never admits it, because someone needs to stay sane in this family.

It is a lot like real-life cases when cult families start to see collective hallucination, and it somehow syncronises in their minds, so they hear and see the same things, you know?

So, yeah, everyone sees Jaybin around.

Everyone but Damian. Damian is a normal one. He also knows his Akhi is alive and well, so whatever. And it takes him some time to figure out that his family is bat-shit insane, but when he does, he decides to use it on his advantage.

Damian, calling Jason: Akhi, you should visit me. It is getting awfully boring here.

Jason, frowning: You know I can't. They think I am dead, and I can't risk my plan, especially now, when Red Hood is gaining-

Damian: We will pretend you are a hallucination.

Jason: ...What?

Damian: So, there is a plan...

So, a few days after this call, Jason arrives at the Wayne Manor. He still thinks his brother's plan sucks, but gaslighting is one of his many talents, so surely, they will figure something out. He can lie his way through this meeting.

Expect, he doesn't even need to lie. His family is actually insane.

Bruce, bumping in Jason:

Jason, staring back: Uh-

Bruce: Wow. You look so grown-up. And we look so alike. Nice one, brain.

Jason: ?..

Tim, leaving his room: Hi, B, hi- Oh, damn. Hi, Jaybin. Nice leather jacket.

Bruce: Right? I guess his ghost just grows up with us now.

Jason: ????

Alfred, nodding along, out of nowhere: Master Dick will hate it. He looks taller now.

All of them: (peacefully leave the room)

Jason: What. The. Fuck.

Jason waits for the moment of clarity to happen as he chats with Damian in the kitchen, but... nothing changes. They really, really think he is a hallucination. So... he starts hanging out around more. Both because Damian is getting angsty, and because it is kinda... amusing.

Tim, stuck on the same case for a few nights, non-stop: Oh, it is really just me and you in this, Jason.

Jason, playing Mario Cart on the table by his side: Maybe take a nap, dude.

Tim: No, I need to figure out this case with-

Jason, rolling his eyes: Red Hood had already dealt with it. Go to sleep.

Tim: ...You are such a good self-care kind of hallucination.

Jason: ...

Damian: Your bets, when will they realise that you are a real person?

Jason: At this point, I am not sure that they will, even if I start screaming that I am real.

Damian: Fair. I bet a year would do.

Jason: ...A year and a half.

Dick visits the Manor. He cooes at Jason, muttering something about "of course, he would have grown up in a punk," and Jason almost breaks his role to hit him on the head.

Jason, arms folded on his chest: You know, you need serious help, dad.

Bruce, blinking at him slowly: Probably. You know what else I need?

Jason: Sleep? Retirement? To stop adopting strays? The list is endless, man.

Bruce: ...Coffee. I need more coffee.

Jason, groaning: What the fuck!!!

Alfred figures out that Jason is real, eventually. Solely because he catches him sneaking a few extra cookies, and hallucinations are not supposed to eat. He plays along with him and Damian until the very end, anyway.

(Damian ends up winning the bet because Jason loses it once and pushes Bruce down the stairs, when he starts reciting some precautionary tale about him. Everyone is flabbergasted.)

[floral-hex]

“guess you didn’t have a forwarding address after all ☹️” shut the fuck up shut the fuck up shut the fuck up shut the fuck up shut the fuck up shut up shut up shut up

[lovegasmic]

𝗣𝗟𝗔𝗬▶ WELCOME HOME, CALEB 𝗩𝗛𝗦

‘ zayne x fem!reader x caleb ’ love and deepspace

⌞ PG-18 ⌝ — based off Caleb’s first scenes but with the current reunion◞ double penetration◞ thigh fucking◞ cunilingus◞ fingering ◞ squirting ◞ kitchen sex ◞ blowjobs ◞ creampie◞ tips touching◞ three way kisses◞ there is a little tension between Caleb and Zayne◞ and Caleb is a tease / sarcastic but not mean◞ w plot !

“let’s invite Zayne over for dinner”

you still remember that day clearly, when things were perfect, having shared a yummy lunch with Caleb and Grandma before everything went crashing down.

who could have through that lingering promise would have turned into a “let’s invite Caleb for dinner” instead.

surprised was not even the correct word to express how you felt upon reuniting with Caleb once again, shock, confusion, happiness, all emotions previously bottled up now bursting as you ran to embrace the man you had missed deeply.

“Zayne will be running a little late” you explain to Caleb who is currently standing next to you while helping chop a few vegetables, giving some extra attention to the carrots, “there was an emergency at the hospital”

Caleb couldn’t care less, to be honest, hiding the fact that he would very much rather spend the whole day with you alone, but alas, some time before the black haired man arrived was also welcomed.

“oh, really?” he hums, grabbing yet another carrot to chop, nonchalantly with a slight hint of a smile on his face, “it’s a pity, he works too much, doesn’t he? he’s probably getting wrinkly already” his words are so filled with amusement, like an inner joke he is not willing to share.

“don’t tease him” you scold him gently, “but yes, Zayne is often overworked, he never listens when I ask him to take breaks”

“he is a girls repellent, they don’t like workaholics” Caleb starts, almost as if he was testing the waters while you turned to wash a few used utensils so couldn’t see his eyes following you to gauge your reaction, “girls like attentive guys…, guys who can cook…, don’t you think” was he… praising himself?

“well—” Caleb scoffs a little loud, a sound you would have heard if it weren’t because the door suddenly was pushed open and Zayne walked in, with a bag in his hand and sliding his glasses into the shirt pocket with the other.

“oh, Caleb, it’s good to see you again” the doctor’s tone is as flat as you expected, yet he still approaches to greet the other man whose only thoughts are why did Zayne had the code to your apartment, why is Zayne so comfortable in your house, why is Zayne placing his hand on your waist while walking past you.

Caleb is not liking this at all.

“yeah” the smile gets back in place with a hint of annoyance that lasts a second, “good to see you too, Zayne”

the latter’s attention shifting to you almost immediately, now there is a soft smile while leaning next to you to check what’s in the oven, then the bag he was carrying is left on the counter, “i got some—”

“macaroons” Caleb chimes in with that smirk that borderlines on bickering, “i’m not surprised”

Zayne’s eyes lay on the other man, looking a tad bored even, then down on the counter with an almost imperceptible raise of a brow, “and you are still obsessed with carrots, i’m not surprised either”

“she loves them” Caleb motions to you while his eyes lock on Zayne’s

“i can’t—”

“she likes macaroons better”

“that’s you, actually—” you get to whisper under your breath, the atmosphere thick with unexpected tension.

“we grew up together” Caleb retorts, “i know her better”

“i also grew up with her”

“but not as long as me”

“are you sure about that?”

“stop!” you finally raise your voice and both of them turn to look at you with expressions softening like puppies who just got scolded, “why are you fighting? this was supposed to be a nice dinner” your voice lowers with a sigh as you lean over the counter with both hands on the surface.

Zayne is the first to speak, resting a hand on your lower back, “i’m sorry”

and Caleb joins, saying your name very gently while bringing a hand to cup your nape, “i’m sorry too, I didn’t mean to ruin things” then he plants a kiss on the top of your head, to which Zayne replicated with a kiss on your shoulder, their affection making you shiver slightly.

but you don’t reply yet, having a hint of a pout on your mouth that both men find absolutely adorable, starting to leave more kisses across your skin, Zayne trailing up your neck to your ear while Caleb went down to kiss your neck and collarbones, unable to stop the soft whines that left your lips. and they continue, taking the cute little sounds you make as encouragement, “so cute” Caleb murmurs, with a hand coming to squeeze your waist and rub under your shirt with a thumb.

Zayne on the other hand, trails his hand up and down your back, settling on top of your butt and gently tugging you closer to the both of them.

“I didn't mean to upset you” is Zayne who speaks first, lowering his head to take a better look into your face and slowly pressing a kiss to the corner of your mouth.

which Caleb takes as a challenge, mimicking the other man to stare into your eyes with a smile, “come on, pipsqueak, forgive me” then presses a kiss on your lips, a chaste one that leaves you slightly surprised, unable to properly understand what just happened before Zayne repeats the act, the frown on his face almost imperceptible because of the way they’re constantly kissing you without giving you a moment to think.

until both crash and you are left utterly speechless when they both kiss you, with hands on your hips and waist, tongues sticking out to meet the other two in what you can just catalogue as the lewdest kiss you’ve ever gotten, unsure of whether of it’s Zayne or Caleb whose hands grope your ass, whose the one sliding a hand under your shirt until it comes to lay under your boob and you moan against their eager mouths.

the kiss does not stop, it’s so messy, with saliva, tongues and teeth, muffled groans of delight solely from kissing your soft lips.

“you taste delicious” Caleb parts with a pant, as if he has just ran a marathon and would do it again, all while Zayne takes the opportunity to kiss you himself, still without much words, yet cupping the back of your neck to tilt your head back and devour your mouth, sloppily and uncharacteristically messy for a doctor of his level.

kisses get peppered on your neck next, lower and lower while your other best friend starts to slowly open your blouse buttons, his tongue leaving a burning trail that soon cools against the air from where his saliva touches the skin of your chest, down the valley of your tits. his hands being too skilled and Zayne’s kiss leaving you breathless that your lust filled brain barely registers the other man’s hands undoing your bra, too impatient to even take it off so he just pushes the soft fabric up and attaches his lips to a nipple, sucking eagerly and barely nibbling on the sensitive flesh, sending waves of slick down your already drenched panties.

“ah, fuck—” you moan against Zayne’s mouth, who eagerly receives the sound with a low growl of his own, slow and very gently sliding the hand —you now realize was Zayne’s all along— down the curve of your ass and under the skirt, barely teasing the crotch of your panties with a single finger that dips in between your folds through the flimsy fabric.

moans only grow, getting a little choked with how dizzy both of them made you feel.

Caleb’s lips are so eager, so soft and warm, leaving each nipple utterly sensitive and coated in saliva as he moaned against your skin, unconsciously helping Zayne keep your skirt up around your waist as he slowly knelt in between your legs, nose bumping against Zayne’s fingers and your lower lips that were so visible through the soaked panties, “fuck, love… you smell divine” his voice so deep and makes your knees buck, and forces Zayne to finally release your mouth with a gasp as his green eyes flickered to the sight of Caleb between your legs, eagerly tugging down on your panties until the fell on the cold ground with a soft ‘splat’ due to how wet they were.

you whimper at the coldness, which gets quickly replaced by Caleb’s lips attaching to your clitoris, sucking the engorged nub, “C-Caleb! a-ah yes” your cries are heavenly for both men, who can feel their cocks getting even harder at your sounds, smell, and they way your cute body shook.

Zayne is quick to help, latching his lips to your earlobe and nibbling, making sure to wrap an arm around your waist to keep your body upright as his finger found your empty and fluttering hole, “so wet, so pretty” his voice is deep, caressing your ear like his fingertips does with your hole before dipping inside, “and so tight…”

“Zayne!” you mewl, now, holding onto Caleb’s hair with a hand and Zayne’s wrist with the other, a few seconds away from letting out a sob bubble out your throat.

“good?” and you nod, gasping at each delicious thrust and curling motion of the fingers inside your gushing cunt that squelched vulgarly, alongside the sounds of the man between your legs, slurping and sucking on your clit and folds as his life depends on it, occasionally brushing against the other man’s fingers which makes him groan.

there is slick dribbling down your legs, which Caleb eagerly laps up with a low, murmured, “fucking delicious” before his lips are on you again, there’s a cacophony of sounds, to which the sound of belts soon join and a muffled growl against your folds, before you can hear a soft ‘shlick’, fluttering your eyes open to be greeted with the sigh of Caleb between your legs and his arm moving desperately between his own.

“can I…” Zayne breaks your line of thought, pressing a kiss on your nape and the tip of his now bare and drenched cock rubs against the back of your thigh, immediately understanding what he was asking for and you nod.

Caleb stands finally, with lips coated in slick, aggressively fisting his own fat and veiny cock that already leaks precum before he is kissing you now, sharing the taste of your juices and a hand tight on the hair in the back of your head to keep your head still.

“you taste so good” Caleb mumbles with what you can just explain as a drunk hazed smirk, and you’re no far from it, with half lidded eyes, moaning wantonly while a little line of saliva dribbles down your cheek at Zayne’s two fingers abusing your cunt, managing to hit the delicious spongy spot that had your hole gushing waves after waves of slick all over his hand and a bit on the floor.

your hands land on Caleb’s shoulders, tugging for another kiss at the same time Zayne’s thick cock slides between your legs, keeping them squished for a better grip.

“stay like that” he murmurs so low and dark that you, once again, get impossibly wetter, soaking his cock that’s perfectly nestled between your folds and bumping on your clit with each thrust.

it really is flattering how both of them get whipped by you so easily, with Zayne moving faster and faster until your body gets also rocked back and forth, and his cockhead brushes against Caleb’s in front of you, making them both moan and you whine at the sound, throwing your hips back to get a little more friction, “m-more, please, I need to cum” you almost beg, and a hand lands on your clit, offering to rub you through an orgasm but you refuse, “no, i— ah!”

Caleb cups your face with a hand, a little tighter than necessary but his dark and blown pupils stare at you, “what do you need?”

Zayne stops too, rubbing on your lower abdomen so sweetly, “your cock” you murmur and precum dribbles down your thigh.

“whose?”

“both…” you barely murmur, letting another moan leave with how tight Zayne’s hands get on your hips.

“are you sure?”

“yeah… maybe… one at first?”

and they both agree, now Caleb sitting atop the kitchen counter, legs spread and your eager and warm mouth wrapped around his long cock that fills every inch of your mouth, veins pulsing in a warning of an imminent orgasm that he forces to stay down until he has a taste of that sweet cunt too.

“oh, darling, oh fuck” you never could have expected for Zayne to be so vocal, moaning against your neck while he basically humps your pussy with tiny thrusts that keep him deep, but they are so aggressive, so needy that you get pushed further against Caleb’s cock lodged down your throat, and a few tears fill your eyes at the stretch.

“ah, yeah, shit…” is the latter who moans now, grabbing a fistful of hair and keeping your mouth still, drooling all over his pelvis, “i need to fuck your cunt now, Zayne move over”

there is a little grumble from Zayne but he obeys, pulling you back against his chest that is now just covered by a shirt, you gasp and pant at the amounts of air that fill your lungs, allowing for Caleb to stand up in front of you, he was completely naked unlike Zayne and you who just had a skirt and socks on right now.

they tilt your head at the same time, lips crashing like minutes ago, making you so dizzy that you can barely register how they both lift you up, having you squished in the middle, thighs spread wide and swinging over their big arms.

“c-careful” you murmur through the mess of tongues upon feeling another cock poke on your clitoris, teasing the slick soaked skin and down your full and overly stretched hole that pulses around Zayne.

“i’ll be gentle” Caleb smirks, prodding against your abused pussy and slowly but steadily getting inside, the three moan simultaneously, the stretch too wide but still as inhumanly good, the feeling of their cocks rubbing together was sending shivers down their spines but none of the men was willing to say it out loud, barely nibbling on their bottom lip to keep the sounds down.

“so… tight” Zayne murmurs with open mouthed pants against your nape.

“you feel… ah… so amazing… what a heavenly pussy” Caleb comments next, keeping your thighs wide so his balls finally press flush against Zayne’s and your needy cunt.

“y-eah…! s’ full” your words are slurred, eyes crossing already and barely having time to think before they are moving and tossing you around, too pussy drunk to stop as they use you like a rag doll, up and down, sometimes in circles that has your toes curling and chest glistening with sweat and saliva that leaves your mouth wide open, almost dumb.

they groan unabashedly, muttering praises to your gorgeous cunt for sucking on their cocks so good, like a damn fuckin’ vice, refusing to let them go even if your brain shuts down, “s’ good, s’ fuckin’ good, feel funny…”

they have never seen a sight so pretty, your eyes crossed and filled with tears, tits jiggling and nipples hard in blissful pleasure.

there are a few jets of liquid gushing from your pussy, too stupid to even realize you’ve been cumming on their cocks already, they’re tiny but makes both of them groan when louder, hips snapping brutal and vulgarly against your over sensitive and used pussy, that keeps cumming nonstop.

Zayne has a hand on your pelvis, barely above your pussy, pushing in the skin to keep you flush and somehow feeling the movements of your insides being fucked by their fat cocks, making you squeeze them tighter.

“i’m going to cum” Caleb mutters with a hoarse tone, his forehead is covered in sweat and his head low, jaw slacked to let out those pleasure sounds, “can’t last longer, this pussy is too good”

Zayne does not want to admit how embarrassingly close he is as well, gritting his teeth while his hips snap a bit harder, making his flesh slap against your ass that’s sore by this point.

two, three more minutes and they fill you to the brim, tips pushing into that spot that is just so deep and you come crashing with a scream, soaking their lengths and balls with squirt while they both fill your womb with semen, so thick and so much you feel like throwing up.

no one speaks for what feels like hours, trembling in the middle of the kitchen floor, until Caleb speaks, “i hope… we can do this dinner again” his voice is low against your neck, and soon the smell of burnt food fills the air.

i’ve been wanting to write for them since so long so if its ooc I apologize ajsgshs

[samantitaswrld]

deadpool!

….as your boyfriend.

description: deadpool as your boyfriend!

pairing: deadpool x you!

contains: 18+, mentions of sex!

|an: just saw deadpool & wolverine.. couldn’t help myself.

- awful with emotions but always finds a way to make up for things whether through humor or sex.

- speaking of humor you’re never not laughing with him, or bickering, or fucking

- you’re the only person he can actually feel vulnerable and comfortable with, he cherishes that and he loves you so much for that.

- you’re his person, he would genuinely kill for you if it meant he would lose someone so important in his life.

- if someone makes you sad, mad or uncomfortable ooo…not his babygirl.

- he usually doesn’t keep people or friends in his loop often, they could find him annoying or over the top but not you.

- you love absolutely everything about him, his outlandish humor, his extroverted personality, his big ol’ mouth. you think it’s so hot.

- so hot when he’s mean to you so hot when he’s soft with you

- you literally bicker like two teenage girls all the time and he always somehow clocks your tea it’s ridiculous but you also find it impressive that he always has something to say that you cannot come back from😭

- god you need to pray that no man ever even has the thought of coming on to you… he’ll experience some banter with your boyfriend before it’s lights out.

- not only are you his but he’s yours! he’s super loyal and if he can’t get someone to back off , you sure will!

- you’re always having fun with him date nights are some of the best times of your life, he always finds a way to entertain you no matter what you’re doing.

- always gotta hand somewhere, your ass, a singular cheek, a titty, somewhere. how could you expect him not to! you’re all his.

- you literally have him wrapped around your finger, he’d do absolutely anything for you.

- also always bullying you he is so straightforward😭

“hon that has got to be the ugliest shirt i’ve ever seen on you”

“wade-“

“i know you got better in that closet that i snoop through and try on all your clothes when you aren’t home now go!”

- he’s so tall so if you’re short oh wow…you’re never catching a break

“soooo how’s the weather down there.” wade said, placing his elbow on the crown of your head.

“prick…”

…

“yeah that’s enough of that dirty mouth!” your boyfriend had announced before bending down and wrapping an arm around your behind, throwing you over his shoulder and positioning his palm on your ass.

“god, wade put me down!” you’d laughed playfully hitting his back.

“don’t make me have to spank you!” he said, lighting pinching your ass.

- do not get an animal bc it will quickly become his center of attention and he will defend it over you.

“wade, we’re having my mom over please put it in the room”

“ugh…she’s so mean isn’t she sugar?” he’d said stroking your pet, followed by a “yes she is yes she is!” as the animal licked his face.

sigh.

- good lord we got a cuddle monster on our hands!

- absolutely adores any type of affection and practically begs you for it 24/7. he loves being little spoon specifically. also loves it when u scratch or message his back, bc that also gets him going..

- speaking of, you got this guy rock solid 24/7

“hungry for seconds?” he joked, hugging you from behind and pressing his hardened cock against your ass.

“we literally jus-“ you’d started just to be interrupted mid sentence.

“so! cmon baby throw a dog a bone.” he muttered, hand already gripping your inner thigh.

you’d sighed, god you can’t resist him.

- it doesn’t matter what you’re doing he finds anything you do hot i stg

- a M-U-N-C-H! for life, literally came in his pants from eating you out once! he loves making you feel good.

- a goofball during sex he cannot do shit seriously😭 he be talking you and your pussy thru it!

- again, if you’re petite god help you bc he is large.

- babe, you better match his freak because yall doing anything.

- trying a new thing every night multiple times bc that sex is never vanilla and that dick is never tired! at some point he’s just making positions up😭

[mariasont]

can you do a story where hotch accidentally calls Y/N by her middle name and the rest of the bau are like "👁️👄👁️ who's (insert name)?" and then a cute or fluffy moment happens where Y/N's like "oh yeah only hotch calls me that" PLS PLS PLSSSS

SECRET NICKNAMES - A.H

a/n: the emojis are so accurate im crying you know that’s exactly how they reacted 😭 but loved loved loved writing this one. slightly self indulgent because my middle name is grace <3

masterlist

pairings: aaron hotchner x fem!reader

warnings: just sticky sweet fluff & morgan being an instigator but what’s new!!

wc: 0.9k

It had been a long day. The conference room was a mess. It kind of resembled a battlefield of ideas and failed theories. Evidence photos lay in uneven stacks, some forgotten at the edges of the table while others remained underlined with question marks and red ink. The faint scratch of a pen and the occasional sigh were the only sounds. It was late, and exhaustion was beginning to creep in. Eyes drooped, postures sagged, but no one had yet dared to suggest calling it a night yet. 

You leaned back slowly, your chair tilting just enough to let you stretch your arms above your head. The weariness in your muscles felt almost tangible, meshing into every joint like a weight you let go of. Across from you, Hotch stood still as a statue, his arms crossed and gaze cutting through the evidence board.

"Alright, enough for tonight," he finally said firmly. "We'll reconvene tomorrow at 7:00 a.m. sharp."

The team didn't need to be told twice, practically jumping to their feet. Papers were scooped up, pens clicked shut, and chairs scraped back as everyone made their way out. But before you could slip away, Hotch's voice rang out, cutting cleanly through the room.

"Grace, can I see you for a moment?"

The team froze mid-movement. Morgan glanced over one shoulder, one brow raised, while Garcia’s head popped up from where she was stacking papers, lips parting in confusion. Reid, already halfway to the door, paused and turned, tilting his head like he was trying to solve a puzzle he didn’t have all the pieces to.

JJ blinked, mouth “Grace?” to herself, clearly trying to place the name.

Emily squinted slightly before giving voice to what everyone was thinking. “Who’s Grace?”

You blinked, your brain scrambling for an explanation as your eyes darted to Hotch, who seemed oblivious to the chaos he had just cause. Typical man.

Clearing your throat, you forced a sheepish smile.

“That would be me,” you admitted, lifting a hand awkwardly. “Grace is my middle name. Surprise!”

The room remained suspiciously quiet, and you could practically feel the questions they all were about to voice.

“Hotch calls me that sometimes,” you added quickly, somehow able to keep your voice semi-light despite the burn in your cheeks. “It’s not a big deal.”

“Oh, this is interesting,” Morgan said, leisurely sinking back into his chair with folded arms.

JJ squinted. “Is this some sort of secret nickname situation?”

Emily raised a brow. “Does this happen often? Hotch calling you Grace?”

“So, Grace,” Morgan drawled, clearly enjoying himself. “Care to explain why Hotch gets to call you that? Special privileges or—,”

“Don’t finish that sentence,” you cut in, your voice cracked and it was unfortunately too loud to come off as anything but defensive. “Like I said, it’s not a big deal. He just—he just does sometimes, okay?”

“Oh it’s a big deal,” Garcia cut in dramatically. “What else don’t we know about you two?”

“Alright, enough.” Hotch cut in finally, shaking his head. “I told you all to go home. So go.”

Morgan made it halfway to the door before turning back.

“Y’know Hotch, if you wanted us out so bad, you could’ve just said it earlier. No need for the theatrics. We get it—‘Grace’ needs your undivided attention.”

Garcia gasped. “Morgan, you can’t just say that!”

But the damage was done, and the team left in a flurry of giggles and teasing comments, leaving you standing there, flustered and glaring at Hotch.

The second the door closed, you whirled around and smacked his shoulder.

“What was that for?”

“You know what that was for,” you said, crossing your arms. “Calling me Grace in front of them? Do you want me to be interrogated?”

His faint smile broke through. “It wasn’t intentional.

You shot him another glare which only served to turn that smile of his into a full blown laugh.

“I’m sorry, honey,” he said, corners of his eyes crinkling. “I wasn’t thinking—it’s the sleep deprevation.”

Before you could respond, he reached out, gently grabbing your face and smooshing your cheeks together. You were sure you resembled a fish, brows drawn, trying to remain scowling at him, but the position made it hard.

“Truce?” he murmured, leaning down to kiss you.

Your resolve crumbled the second his lips touched yours (It always did). The warmth of his touch practically seemed into your skin, and your muscles melted against him like butter in the sun. When he pulled back you stared up at him, dazed and breathless, trying to remember why you were mad.

“That was—,” You cleared your throat, fighting to ridiculous smile threatening to appear. “You can’t just do that to avoid getting in trouble.”

“Did it work?”

You huffed, crossing your arms. “I’ll think about it.”

You narrowed your eyes at him, pretending to weigh your options with the seriousness of someone deciding on a life-or-death matter.

“Alright,” you said slowly, drawing out each word. “I’ve thought about it.”

Grasping the lapels of his suit jacket, you pulled him down to you, pressing your lips to his in a kiss that left no room for argument. When you pulled back, his smirk was still in place but his eyes were softer now and filled with something you couldn’t quite place.

“But don’t think this gets you off the hook next time.”

He chuckled. “Noted.”

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[becausegoodheroesdeservekidneys]

Hey. Hi. Hello. Today I learned about the existence of 15th century Welsh poet Gwerful Mechain and that she apparently has a surviving work of erotic poems.

Please. For Christmas. For Yule. Please tell me more because I can't read Welsh.

Heh heh. Oh, Gwerful Mechain is the absolute best.

(Quick housekeeping to keep the post manageable - I previously wrote about things like cynghanedd and cywydds and englyns and such here, so check that if you need an explanation.)

What's fun is that we don't know a ton about her, because not a lot got written down about people in her time. Her surviving work covers a 40ish year span at the end of the 1400s to just into the 1500s, but we don't know when she was born or died or anything like that. We know her parents' names? And that she was from Mechain, hence the bardic name. And that she married a guy and had a daughter, something which actually does mark out her body of work as different from her contemporaries; being a wife and mother, she couldn't do the usual bardic role of travelling the country to spread news and play at courts. This means she doesn't have any of the praise poetry that a lot of male bards produced about the lords that hosted them.

But, there's stuff we can piece together about her. For one thing, she was not just literate (not a universal skill for anyone at that point, but especially for women), but she was astonishingly well-read and had what appears to be a classical education, given her poetic references and traditional Welsh meters. For another, her work often had recurring themes of religion, sex, and women's rights, sometimes all at the same time.

At the point Gwerful was active, Welsh bardic culture heavily featured ymrysonau. An ymryson is like... well, I hesitate to say "sort of like a rap battle" after the way everyone and their dog now thinks that's what the Mari Lwyd does, but they were like a cross between a rap battle and the publication war between two rival academics. A bard would write an englyn and publish it in the local parish newsletter. Another bard would see this, and write their own englyn about how stupid the first bard's englyn was, and publish it in the same newsletter. The first bard would see this and retaliate. The second bard would retaliate to that. And on and on it would go, like a printed tennis match for all the parishioners to enjoy, until someone wrote a conclusive verse OR until someone went "Lol, you got me good there" and bowed out with dignity. Sometimes, these things were fucking vicious; but other times, they were just banter between two bards who knew each other and were enjoying the chance to keep their poetic skills in tip top condition.

Now, Gwerful was an active and enthusiastic participant in ymrysonau. We have many examples of her work from these. There are two of particular note that I'll list here, each against a different bard:

Dafydd Llwyd o Fathafarn. Mathafarn and Mechain are not so distant from one another, so no real surprise that these two locked horns a lot, but the impression I always got from their ymrysonau is that they were good mates, actually. These fell into the 'banter' category more often than not. Dafydd was a Welsh Nationalist who was hoping for a Welshman to rise up and throw off the yoke of English oppression, and most of his work is about that, but he turned up the filthy erotic shit for any ymryson with Gwerful because BOY HOWDY was that her specialty. IIRC she did occasionally poke fun at his Welsh Nash leanings, especially his obsession with Mab Darogan (OLD Welsh idea that translates to the Son of Prophesy - the Arthur-style figure that will one day drive out the English overlords), but mostly their ymrysonau were incredibly beautifully-written odes that could be summed up as "Dafydd, my man, my good friend, I mean this sincerely: suck my entire clit".

She often won.

Ieuan Dyfi. God, what a fucking asshole. This one was not banter. Gwerful played for blood with this prick.

We actually would know nothing about Ieuan Dyfi if not for Gwerful Mechain, because it was her poetic response to him that meant his only surviving poems made it to the modern day; that, and the record of him being brought before a church court where he admitted adultery with Anni Goch, a married woman. Oh, and the record of him being brought before the law courts at Liverpool, accused of domestic abuse and gambling? If I remember right?

Two things to know that set the scene for what came next:

One of Gwerful Mechain's surviving poems is an englyn considered to be possibly the oldest extant poem about domestic violence written by a woman: I’w gŵr am ei churo (To the husband who beats her)

Dager drwy goler dy galon - ar osgo I asgwrn dy ddwyfron; Dy lin a dyr, dy law’n don, A’th gleddau i’th goluddion.

There are a lot of translations for this one to try to keep its poeticness, but this one is pretty good:

Through your heart’s lining let there be pressed, slanting down, A dagger to the bone in your chest. Your knee smashed, your hand crushed, may the rest Be gutted by the sword you possessed.

She has others, too, that deal with sexual assault, and something scholars often note about Gwerful is her remarkable knowledge of the law as it pertained to women's issues. So she was not, you see, a woman with a high view of a man accused of domestic violence anyway.

But then Ieuan Dyfi wrote five poems about Anni Goch, the married woman he'd fucked, each more "Wow dude, she said no" than the last, culminating in I Anni Goch; a full cywydd of misogynistic Medieval-incel bullshit about how false and evil women are, which listed all the false and evil women of history including classical and mythological figures.

And. Well. Gwerful had some views.

Her responding cywydd - I ateb Ieuan Dyfi am gywydd Anni Goch - basically blasted the guy back into his own impact crater and disintegrated him. What she did with it, essentially, was to mirror his cywydd. Where he'd gone "Isn't it so true how great men throughout history have always been brought low by women, amirite lads? Here's examples", Gwerful went "Isn't it so true how 'great men' throughout history have behaved appallingly and fucked up through their own actions and then somehow managed to blame women, amirite lads? Here's examples." Where his examples had been historical figures, so were hers. Where his had been classical, so were hers. Where he went Biblical, so did she.

And what's so interesting about that last one is how pointed she was with it - for some reason, in his big list of evil women, Ieuan Dyfi did not go for the most obvious and low-hanging of fruit (no pun intended) - he doesn't cite Eve. In response, Gwerful also sidesteps the most obvious and low hanging of fruit - she doesn't cite Mary. In so doing, she makes it clear that she doesn't even need to.

There is no record of him responding to her. IIRC, there is a record of him doing three years in prison.

But! Outside of all of that, the big thing Gwerful was known for was her erotic poetry. You'll be unsurprised to hear that it wasn't written for shits and giggles - much like today, women of the time were told that most of their value was in their looks, and they had plentiful insecurities about their bodies. Gwerful wrote her erotic stuff to confront those insecurities and shine a light on the issue. There are so many examples of this, but far and away the most famous is definitely Cywydd y Cedor - roughly translated, 'Ode to the Vulva'. Though I have also seen it titled Cywydd y Gont - Ode to the Cunt. It's such a shame that the English language is literally, physically not capable of cynghanedd, because it means unless you learn Welsh you will never understand the beauty and the lyricism of the piece, and how it elevates and undercuts the content at the same time; but it's a joyful, masterful, irreverent work that uses the fancy language male poets were forever dedicating to the rest of a woman's body and applies it squarely to the vulva. In fact it basically opens with "Men are cowards, describe more cunts or gtfo" before launching into its main subject matter. The last line is pro-pubic hair, too, like I really must stress how much Gwerful Mechain would have to offer Tumblr if you could speak Welsh. This is probably her most widely translated piece, though, you can definitely find English versions. Although you can tell how blushing and reticent the translator is - and therefore how sanitised their translation is - by whether they've called it Ode to the Vulva/Cunt, or Ode to the Pubic Hair.

Needless to say, the original is not sanitised.

(Actually, I should also say - this one is also a response piece, probably, but in this case to a bard who lived a century earlier - Dafydd ap Gwilym, the absolutely legendary and uncontested king of Welsh romance poetry. He wrote a poem called Cywydd y Gal - Ode to the Penis. I have only just put two and two together on that.)

As a final note, I should say that my personal favourite Gwerful Mechain poem on this subject, mind, is actually I'w morwyn wrth gachu - to the maiden who is shitting. It's an englyn written in Gwerful's customary high poetic form, but it is what it says - it describes a woman taking a shit, and farting as she does. Beautiful and magical and disgusting and banal, all in one go:

Crwciodd lle dihangodd ei dŵr - ’n grychiast O grochan ei llawdwr; Ei deudwll oedd yn dadwr’, Baw a ddaeth, a bwa o ddŵr

Funnily enough, it's hard to find a good translation for this one lol.

My attempt:

She crouched where her water escaped - creased From the cauldron of her heat; Her two holes were arguing, Shit came, and a bow of water

Eh. It's so bland in English. Honestly, if you could read Welsh...

Anyway, if anyone reading this can read Welsh and wants to read some of Gwerful Mechain's stuff - including some of the pieces she was responding to in the ymrysonau - you can find a load here. Otherwise, I hope you enjoyed!