#so now we have two french versions of this song and this is the second one

[lulu2992]

Ask meme!

I was tagged a month ago by @cassietrn and more recently by @laindtt. The original rules said to “put your ‘on repeat’ playlist on shuffle and share the top ten results”, and I initially didn’t do it because I don’t use Spotify, but @laindtt aptly suggested I could just shuffle all my songs on iTunes and share the first ten that play, so here they are! Thanks again to both of you for tagging me :)

Daemons - Final Fantasy XV Original Soundtrack - Yoko Shimomura

Diamond Heart - Joanne - Lady Gaga

Game Over - The Legend of Zelda: Skyward Sword - Hajime Wakai/Shiho Fujii/Mahito Yokota/Takeshi Hama/Koji Kondo

Ballad of Gales (Baton) - The Legend of Zelda: The Wind Waker Original Sound Tracks - Kenta Nagata/Hajime Wakai/Toru Minegishi/Koji Kondo

Écoute Ton Cœur - Pocahontas, Une Légende Indienne (Bande Originale Française du Film) - Annie Cordy/Karine Costa/Alan Menken

Le Retour de Merida - Rebelle (Bande Originale du Film) - Patrick Doyle

Les Gorilles - Tarzan (Bande Originale Française du Film) - Mark Mancina

Gone - Final Fantasy XV Original Soundtrack Volume 2 - Tetsuya Shibata

La Belle Et La Bête (Duo Version Intégrale) - La Belle et la Bête (Bande Originale Française du Film) - Patrick Fiori/Julie Zenatti/Alan Menken

My Heart Never Loved - Far Cry 5 Original Game Soundtrack - Dan Romer

[marie-swriting]

The Slut Of Hawkins - Steve Harrington [1/2]

Emails I Can't Send Masterlist

Stranger Things Masterlist

Part two

Part one - two (French version)

Summary : You're paying for the consequences of dating Steve Harrington.

Warnings : italics are for flashbacks, Slutshaming, school bullying (reader getting bullied) (talk to someone if you're being bullied!), implied sex, Steve is a bit of a coward, bad relationship with parents, angst, sad ending, fighting.

Word count : 3.5k

Song inspiration : Because I Liked A Boy by Sabrina Carpenter

The laughs were filling the fresh air of the early night. Laying on your backyard trampoline, you were cuddling against Steve. You had been getting closer recently and you had to admit, it made you feel good to have someone to talk to, especially when your parents weren’t there - which was pretty often, that night was another proof.

Steve held you a bit tighter in his arms while you were talking about your favourite singers. You had said some names like Madonna, Bowie though, it was the mention of The Beatles that caught his attention.

“The album Help! is definitely my favourite.” Steve informed you.

“Same for me, I love all of the songs but You’re Going To Lose That Girl and It’s Only Love have a special place in my heart.” you said whilst Steve looked away. “Is everything alright?”

“Yeah, it’s just that It’s Only Love was our song, to me and Nancy.”

“You really loved her, didn’t you?”

“She was my first love. Unfortunately, it ended pretty badly. It became complicated after her best friend Barbara disappeared. Besides, I have to admit, I was at fault, too but I’m trying to be better.”

“I’m sure you will.” you affirmed hugging him a bit more against you. “You’re not the same Steve you used to be. We wouldn’t be here, otherwise. You’re a good person, Steve, don’t doubt it for a second.” 

“Thanks for what you just said.” Steve smiled at you.

“Anyway, what do you think of I Need You?”

“Not really my favourite.”

“Steve Harrington, I am appalled! How dare you say this kind of stuff?” you exclaim, faking shock.

“You asked for my opinion.”

“And you were supposed to agree with me.”

“I don’t like it, it’s not my fault.”

“You just don’t get this song. You’ll see, you’ll be a fan of it one day, I’ll make sure of it.” you stated looking at him right in the eyes.

“I’m dying to see that.”

Your lips were only a few inches away. You didn’t dare to make the first step, even if you were dying to, you were too afraid to have read too much in between the lines. You liked Steve a lot, but you weren’t sure he wanted the same thing. Steve looked at you with stars and tenderness in his eyes, yours were quite similar. You both were waiting to see which one would bend first. Steve was the one who ended up breaking the inches by pressing his lips against yours. Your lips were moving slowly, taking in this innocent moment of the beginning of your relationship.

Now, the innocence is gone. Once you close your locker door, the word “slut” is written in big letters, reminding you of the price you had to pay for this moment. Who knew cuddling on trampolines could be so reckless? 

Far away, Steve is watching you. However, the second you turn your head toward him, he looks down and goes in the opposite direction. It’s been the same thing for a month. You are called names and Steve turns a blind eye. You are accused of being a homewrecker and Steve receives sympathy for the pain you supposedly caused him.

During the day, you keep your head low, not wanting to draw more attention to you. Unfortunately, the insults just like the degrading pieces of paper keep coming your way. The only moment of peace you have is during lunchtime. 

At first, you hid in the bathroom then you ended up running into some girls who made you understand they weren’t on your side so you went to find a safe place in the janitor closet. At least, no one can bother you there. You don’t like the way you accepted the bullying however every time you tried to explain the situation, no one listened to you. So, now, you don’t say anything and you let people tell you who you are, hoping this story will end soon. 

In the afternoon, you have chemistry. As you got used to the past month, you sit at the end of the class, wanting to be far away from your classmates' judging look. You do your best to stay focused on the lesson but you have to admit since the beginning of the rumours, your grades have been falling. You keep your energy to survive the comments so you don’t have enough of it to keep your grades high.

While you finish writing what Mr. Kaminski just said, he announces you’ll work in pairs. Right away, your stomach twists and you want to throw up. You can’t work in pairs. You’ve never been a fan of group projects however now you hate it; it’s an open door to being called names nonstop for a whole hour. The teacher informs he’s already made the groups before saying them out loud. Like a convicted person, you wait for him to say your name. You’re part of the last group and you’re with Tucker Walker. At the mention of his name, you want to die. He’s part of the basketball team and he’s entitled. You don’t like him. You try to negotiate with your teacher to work alone but he insists.

“Come here, Y/L/N, I’m not gonna eat you.” Tucker laughs.

Reluctantly, you gather your stuff and go to his desk. You put as much distance as possible, wanting to avoid new rumours.

“I’m going to do the whole exercise and I’ll put your name on the sheet like this, you’ll have nothing to do.” you announce while starting to read what you have to do.

“Who said I didn’t want to work with you?”

“I don’t want to work with you.” you specify. “Now, do something else and let me work.”

“On the contrary, I’m sure I can be useful.” he contradicts, putting his hand on your knee.

“Take your hand off.” you say through gritting teeth.

“What?”

“Your hand. I don’t like you and if I’m not mistaken, you’re with someone.”

“It didn’t stop you with Harrington.” he says before leaning in. “You can meet me behind school later.”

“No.”

“You don’t have to play hard-to-get because we’re in class.”

“I’m not playing hard-to-get, I just don’t like you.” you repeat, trying to stay calm.

“That's what you say now.”

By some luck, Tucker takes his hand off and lets you work. You’re surprised to see him give up so easily. You know it’s hiding something else, from now on, you have to avoid him.

You finish the work sheet the same second the bell rings at the end of the class. You pack your stuff quickly and give the sheet to your teacher before leaving the room. Tucker doesn’t follow, allowing you to sigh in relief.

Walking by your locker, you discover the insult is gone. It’s one of the positive things with the janitor, he always erases the insults right away. Though, no matter how many times he erases them, he’s never reported it to the principal, leaving you on your own with the high schooler venom.

The moment you leave school, you walk to your car when you get stopped in your tracks. In front of you, there are four girls, Jessica - Tucker’s girlfriend - included. You try to not show anything, mentally preparing yourself for what she’s going to tell you.

“What makes you think you can hit on Tucker, my boyfriend?” she asks drily, “Being his chemistry partner and telling him to meet you behind school? That’s where you were going, weren’t you? He’s not coming. Unlike Steve, he won’t let the slut of Hawkins destroy our relationship.” Jessica affirms, you’re about to answer when she beats you to it. “Don’t even try to deny it, Tucker told me and Sarah heard you!”

“Well, she can’t hear correctly then and your boyfriend is lying. Tucker is the one who hit on me and I stopped him. He put his hand on my knee and told me to meet him behind school.” you retort, annoyed.

“You think I’m gonna believe you over my boyfriend and my best friend?”

“I know you’re not going to believe me. It’s so much easier to believe your boyfriend who tells you what you want to hear rather than the girl who shows you the true colour of your boyfriend. Don’t be too disappointed the day you’ll discover he’s cheated on you, if he hasn’t done it already.” you state with a fake smile.

“Take that back.”

“Why ? Everyone knows he’s a cheater.”

“He’s different with me.” Jessica insists and you shake your head.

“That's what he wants you to believe but the truth is, he’s sleeping around while keeping you under his hat.”

The sound of the slap resonates in the school parking lot. You look at Jessica with eyes wide open whilst you’re touching your cheek. For you, that’s your last straw, you answer to her attack by pulling at her hair. Jessica’s scream alerts the adults around while her friends try to separate you two. You keep giving her a piece of your mind when two arms wrap themselves around your body and gets you away from Jessica. Being separated doesn’t stop both of you from insulting one another and trying to go for the throat again until Mister Jenkins arrives.

“That’s enough! What is going on here?”

“She attacked me!” Jessica lies, pointing at you.

“What? You’re the one who slapped me first.”

“She’s lying, we saw her, sir!” a friend of Jessica adds.

“They’re lying, Jessica did hit her first.”

Looking behind you, you discover the one who is holding you back and who is defending you is none other than Eddie Munson. You didn’t even see he was around and you certainly didn’t expect him to defend you.

“Are you seriously going to believe what Munson is saying?” Jessica questions, faking tears. “He’s always against us! He’d say anything to get us in trouble. I’m the victim here-”

“You’re talking nonsense, you-” you cut her off before Jenkins gets your attention back.

“Enough! I have enough. Go to the principal, now!”

And that’s how you end up in Mister Higgins’ office for the first time. You can’t believe the situation got this bad. The worst part isn’t listening to the disapproving speech of the headmaster, it’s actually witnessing your mom’s disappointment beside you as he speaks.

While the principal is explaining to your mom and Jessica’s mom what happened, you look at your feet, holding back tears of anger. Once he’s done talking, Higgins catches your and Jessica’s attention.

“Do you have anything to add?”

“I didn’t attack her first.” you insist.

“Everybody saw you!” Jessica retorts.

“You’re the one who accused me of stealing your boyfriend. I did nothing wrong.”

“Yeah, just like you didn’t break Nancy and Steve’s relationship.”

“Sir,” you start, trying to keep a calm voice, “I’ve been receiving insults for more than a month now from everyone including Jessica. She called me a slut then she slapped me when I told her her boyfriend was cheating on her. Eddie Munson saw it, he told Mister Jenkins.”

“Munson,  the one leading a cult? What a reliable source!” Jessica’s mother states, rolling her eyes.

“Madam, please.” Mr. Higgins reprimands. “One witness against Jessica’s three friends doesn’t bring a lot to the table.”

“So you’re not even going to do something about the harassment I’ve been receiving?”

“Y/N.” your mom says drily.

“I’ve never heard anything about people being mean to you. However, your grades haven’t been going down for some reason.”

“If you cared a bit more about your student, maybe you’d know why.”

“Y/N, enough!” your mom orders you before turning to Mister Higgins. “I apologise. I guess Y/N will be punished?”

“Indeed, we can’t tolerate this kind of behaviour. Technically, this kind of situation can lead to expulsion though considering Y/N has always been a good student - until now -, we’ll just say she’s going through a bad phase. Y/N will have a month of detention and you will be doing an assignment on bullying.”

Before you can protest, your mom glares at you. You stay silent while your mom apologies once again for your behaviour. Your mom’s grip on your arm forces you to stand up and to leave the office. She doesn’t say anything until you arrive at your car where she orders you to get home right away.

Once you’re home, your mom informs you you’re not allowed to drive your car therefore, you have to take the bus to go to school before informing you to stay in your room until your father arrives.

The second you close the door, you finally let your tears of anger stream down your face. You’re frustrated by the whole situation and you have never felt this alone before. You lay down on your bed rolled up in a ball, searching for some comfort. As you search for that much-needed comfort, your mind takes you back to a time in your life when you had it without needing to make any effort.

At one point, you had this comfort with you. When everything was still going great, it wasn’t rare for Steve to come to your place and put on a smile on your face.

You had been a couple for three months and no one knew about your relationship. You preferred to not say anything, wanting to protect what you had. Thanks to your relationship, you both felt less alone, you finally felt like someone cared about you, that was why you felt so good with him. Therefore, you would see each other when your parents weren’t home. As you didn’t want to stay alone for another night, you had invited Steve to come. Knowing he was in the same situation, Steve had rang at your door thirty minutes later.

Laying on your bed, you were enjoying each other’s presence after your first intimate moment you had just shared. Steve had his arms wrapped around your hips, pressing your back against his torso.

“You know,” Steve started, whispering in your ear, “maybe you’re too late to be my first love, but you’ll always be my favourite. I like what we have.”

“Me too. I like you, Steve, a lot.” you told him, turning around to look at him.

“I like you a lot, too.” he replied, tenderly kissing you.

Your thoughts are interrupted by the harsh voice of your father ordering you to come downstairs. You fastly wipe the tears away from your cheeks and prepare yourself for what your parents are about to tell you. While you’re walking down the stairs, your father makes a sign to go to the kitchen. You sit whilst your parents stay on their feet on the other side of the table, a severe expression on their faces.

“Is it true what your mother told me? You’re getting into fights now?” your dad says, angry.

“I was only defending myself, Jessica attacked me first.”

“Why would she attack you? I know her dad, she’s a nice girl.”

“She called me a slut and she accused me of stealing her boyfriend when I didn’t do anything.”

“Why does she say you did then?” your mom questions, annoyed.

“Because she’s against me like everyone else in this school!”

“Lower your tone, young lady.” your father orders.

“It’s about what she said about Steve and Nancy, isn’t it?” your mother wants to know with accusing eyes.

“Yes, they accuse me of breaking their relationship when it’s not the truth.”

“Because you never did anything with Steve, didn’t you?”

“How do-” you start, shocked to discover she knows.

“It’s a small town and you really thought the neighbours wouldn’t see you sneaking in a boy in our own house?”

“You sneaked in a boy?” your father angers.

“And according to Miss Johnson, it went on for several months,” your mom specifies, “aren’t you ashamed of yourself?”

At this sentence, the tiny bit of hope you still had about your parents disappears. You can’t believe your own mother is against you. You’re getting used to the reputation people gave you but hearing your own mother implying you’re less than good because of your relationship is the final blow. You can’t understand how liking a boy could destroy everything.

“Steve and I got together after he broke up with Nancy, I almost wasn’t talking to him when he was still dating her. Steve was my boyfriend and we did nothing wrong!” you defend yourself, feeling the tears coming.

“Of course and you did nothing wrong when you attacked this poor Jessica.”

“Poor Jessica? She insulted me and hit me. I did nothing. Why don’t you want to believe me? I’m your own daughter and yet, you’d rather believe Jessica than me.”

“The facts are here!” Your father yells. “Besides, we should have reacted a long time ago, have you seen your grades? Do you really think you’re going to pass your year like this?”

“My grades are getting worse because I’m going through a living hell at school.”

“Stop playing the victim! We have enough of your behaviour. You have to do better and quickly. Go to your room right now! And don’t forget to apologise to Jessica.”

Tired of screaming in the void, you don’t answer your mother’s order and run to your room. Mad, you slam the door behind you. Normally, you’d be scared to hear more reproaches however at this moment, it’s the least of your concerns.

You throw yourself on your bed and you hold back a scream of frustration. You can’t understand why your own parents don’t have your back. They didn’t even try to listen to you, they only blame you some more. You know it’s stupid yet a part of you was hoping they would understand. You were wrong, no one is on your side; you didn’t think it possible, yet, you feel even more alone.

If you thought you already were the public enemy, the second you get back to school the following day, you realise it’s worse. Everyone is staring at you, you’re called even more names just like the whisperings got worse. You’re being even more discreet than usual - if it’s possible - wanting to keep to yourself.

In hindsight, you tell yourself you wouldn’t recommend dating boys with exes, it’s not worth all the pain and all the bullying that comes with it, in particular if the boy in question ignores you.

When you go to your last class of the day, you wish you could say you’re finally about to breathe but you still have detention. You have to stay at school a few more hours.

Sitting at your usual seat in your history class, you put your notebook on your desk. Your eyes land on the last page you wrote until they fall on the inscription carved on the desk: “the slut of Hawkins = Y/N.” It’s not the first time you see those words, it’s actually on this very table you discovered your life was about to change before you could do something about it. Despite the time, those words still feel like a knife in your chest. You distinctly remember the moment where everything fell apart.

You were behind the school building with Steve. You had been together for four months but contrary to the first three, it wasn’t going on so well between you two. You didn’t get along anymore. No matter your effort to hold him close, it was always ending in an argument. The main reason for it was that you were more invested in this relationship than Steve. You had noticed this the moment you had tried to get closer to him at school.

“I’m not asking for a lot, Steve! I’m not asking to make out with you in front of everyone, I just want to, at least, be able to talk with you without you ignoring me. I’m your girlfriend and yet, it looks like you don’t know me.”  you pleaded, mad and desperate.

“You said you wanted to keep our relationship for us.” Steve retorted, avoiding your eyes.

“That was before it became more serious between us. I like you and I want to say you’re my boyfriend.”

“I know but you know that with Nancy-”

“What are you bringing her into this? She moved on, unlike you! She’s with Jonathan, I don’t think she cares if you’re dating again. Why are you searching for an excuse? I thought you liked me, too.”

“It’s true.”

“Really? It doesn’t look like it!” you said, outraged. “I feel like I’m alone in this relationship. Everytime I take a step towards you, you push me away. I’m getting tired of it. I don’t even know why I even try to save our relationship when it’s clear you don’t care.” you finished, going inside the building.

“Y/N, wait-” he tried to hold you back.

“No, we’re done, Steve!”

That day, you ended your relationship with Steve, signing at the same time the end of your peaceful life in high school. While you were arguing, someone had heard you and had twisted the whole story. Before you could react, the rumours had started to fly a few days later at school that you had ruined the relationship with Nancy and Steve by seducing him. There was nothing you could do to correct the rumours. Just because you liked a boy, you got judged as a homewrecked and you had to accept your sentence.

Emails I Can't Send Masterlist

Stranger Things Masterlist

[my-jokes-are-my-armour]

Ok 30 sec content is enough to activate me, so here is a little extra coming from the sheet capture of the video.

This is actually a vocal part sheets. And this is the end of the song. We can see the long held notes next to the hand with the pen.

There are some interesting notation here. First C4. I am gonna ignore the a and the b. Maybe it is augmented and flat - I don't know - the notation is weird to me lol. Anyway, C4 is the middle C on the piano. That I am sure.

Then I am not a specialist in vocal ranges, american notation, pitches etc, so I am just gonna say that, I read notes over C5, reaching B5. But I hear kinda one octave below when Joey sings. I never understood how that translates. I leave the schematic here for comparison.

Anyway, if I consider what I hear being one octave below of the music notation, then we reach B4 to the highest point, flirting to the limit of the Tenor register (so yep Joey is a Tenor 😅).

Then I can barely read the power chords. I guess C and D for sure but I can't get the small characters. For those with good eyes, let's go !

Then, I am gonna go on the only part I feel confident with - the rhythm - as it is given by the actual music notation that I can read. This is a bit blurry but things can be deduced mathematically.

I remember saying that the Ride of the Witcher had an odd 5 beat rhythm, the first time I heard it. I was wrong. It is on 4 beats BUT the melody falls on five beats from what I am reading here 😅. Hence my confusion.

I am not gonna try to give the correct names of the notes in English - as there are the american way, the "european" way, the french way... 😅. Let keep it mathematical.

A basic 4 beats means that between two |, you will always have a total of 4 beats. So the addition of all your notes and silence between the bars is always 4.

The rhythmic I read here is :

1(+½) ½-½ ½ 1 | 1 (1) (1) ½ ½ |

Then we have the second motif that is a bit easier

1 ½ ½-½ ½ 1 | 1 (1) (2) |

Both first parts ends on the first beat on the second block thanks to the liaison. The second motif sounds a bit like 6 beats because the lyrics begin on the last beat of the preceding part, after the silences.

The two same motifs are repeated after with the same breathing part until we arrive at the end of the chorus, where the silence are now sung.

So the whole thing seems turning on a square wheel. Love it 🥰😅.

Now, I find it very interesting to have the actual music notation. I found a piano score - probably ear deciphered - and see how they tried to fits the notes in a strange way to go with the feeling it doesn't fall where it should 🙂. There are suddenly, 1 beat or 5 beats bars to make the count right.

The voice is on the lower part here.

Now for the long notes, they are held 8 beats with this notation.

This is all I have to say about this screenshot 😅.

Oh and one last little thing. We can see a v4 under the title of the song. So there was 3 other versions before this one 😏.

[blacknwhitemood]

Back side:

Some details - behind the Iron Curtain:

Made in Hungary with the original price:

Catching Up With - inner paper cover:

Black Celebration with But Not Tonight at the end (USA edition):

Blue vinyl (German edition):

Violator in French and the new edition inside:

Duplicates:

This is my DM vinyl album collection - so far. I also collect 7" singles, you can read about it in another post. These albums released in the "original" year in different countries like West Germany, U.S.A., France, Yugoslavia and Hungary. It shows well the age of Depeche Mode that some of these countries are no longer exist.

Original DM LPs are rare if I don't want to order them from eBay for a fortune and uncertain delivery. I must be lucky - and I was. I bought them from a website where buddies like me sell their used items, a guy regulary sends me e-mails about his duplicates, I'm really appreciated. There is a second hand music recording shop not far from my flat, I remember I went there first time in October to buy MFTM in blue version (haha, now I know how rare it is). The shop was crowded, sellers were busy, I was a bit nervous. One of the customers asked loudly over the LP heap "So where is that Depeche Mode you talked about?" I turned there, he was given MFTM by the shop owner. "I leave it here for now, someone will really need it" - he said and I went to him for the vinyl "I was coming exactly for this album, I'm not kidding. I'm buying this" - we were laughing, the owner said this LP had arrived to the shop 17 minutes before I got it.

Or I just find them in my mother's potato cellar (!) where my sister left them in the early 90s: the Hungarian version of MFTM, and Violator by Virgin Records. I had to wash some black mold off them… I found the original price sticker from 1987 (280 HUF - today it would cost 15,000 HUF) and Violator has sticker at the front in French "L'album inclus Personal Jesus & Enjoy the silence". These were my first DM experience in my childhood when I was prepearing to a music high school and I learnt all of those strange songs on piano.

Unfortinately two important studio albums are missing yet from the 80s: one of my favourite, Some Great Reward, I'm sure we will find each other one day. I could've bought Speak & Spell but only the American version, too much differences, I prefer the other one. My Black Celebration is American too, that means you can find one more song at the end of B side, But Not tonight - this song has never released in Europe. I also love my Catching Up With, because the cover is wow (I mean hot), and the inner paper cover is full of photos, this way they promoted the band in the States. This singles collection released only in the USA, this is the American version of The Singles 81→85 with 4 differences. And I need SOFAD and it' singles, I'm afraid it's gonna be a difficult advanture.

Basicly I don't want to keep 2 or more versions of the albums, beside MFTM Violator is duplicated in a funny reason. I went to Müller shopping soaps and while I was standing in line at the checkout and I got a sight of vinyls next to puffed corn. "What if there is DM?" There was. Violator, new edition that you can order all of the albums in any time. This was my very first DM album, I just couldn't leave it there, my heart was beating loudly. After this I've decided to collect original vinyls only, because they have souls. Decades ago someone bought it and listened to is with joy and perhaps he or she was in love with someone and went to a concert or a flat party and they were dancing… When I hold these old, crumpled albums in my hand I can feel the past. It makes me so happy.

A Broken Frame 1982 Made in Yugoslavia (Jugoton)

Construction Time Again 1983 Made in West Germany

Catching Up With Depeche Mode 1985 Made in U.S.A.

Black Celebration 1986 Made in U.S.A.

Music For The Masses 1987 Made in West Germany (blue vinyl)

Music For The Masses 1987 Made in Hungary (Gong)

Violator 1990 Made in France (Virgin)

Violator 2016 (new edition - Sony)

[yourdeepestfathoms]

Who is “Amicia,” and how does she remind you of Perrine? I have never heard of this character before, and I am curious!

Amicia de Rune is the fifteen-year-old protagonist of the Plague Tale duology! she’s a noble French girl who had her life turned upside down when this alternate version of the Black Plague hits France, bringing alongside it literal man-eating swarms of rats, and she has to flee her home with her five-year-old brother, Hugo, where she then becomes his primary caretaker.

she is also one of the most tragic characters of all time, in my opinion.

Amicia is an extremely complex character. she is severely traumatized, something that is explored more in the second game, Requiem. she goes through absolute hell, all to protect her brother, who she originally knew barely anything about due to them never really interacting because of a strange sickness Hugo had. they end up having this really touching and tender bond, albeit with a bit of codependency on Amicia’s part.

she pushes herself to the extreme. she has no real regard for her own safety- all she cares about is her brother. she is driven by her will and her determination and her protectiveness, which also act as a detriment to her. she’s so blinded by this devotion, this role as a caretaker that she was basically forced into by her mother (fuck you, Beatrice, Sophia was a better mother than you’ll ever be, and she was a pirate who knew those kids for like two days), that it harms her and the people around her.

there’s this one part in Requiem where she’s been literally concussed, and yet she keeps on trekking forward…while being chased by men that want to kill her and her brother, so she’s having to simultaneously fight them off. and if you know anything about head injuries, you would know that a lot of exertion, like running from and killing people, is a big no-no! and even Hugo is begging her to stop and let herself rest, and she just continuously pushes herself forward.

there’s this other part, also in Requiem, where Amicia has been very badly injured, and just— the things she says, the way she keeps going even when she’s in a lot of pain, the fact that you can hear her sobbing in the background, is just so gut-wrenching.

(side note, Charlotte McBurney, Amicia’s voice actress, is EXTREMELY TALENTED, and she was fucking robbed of Best Actor during the Game Awards. her vocal performance as Amicia is chilling. it’s even more impressive that Amicia in Innocence, the first game, was her first role in anything.)

sorry, this turned into a rant about Amicia 😭 you probably didn’t want or need to know all of that.

i compare her to Perrine because…vibes.

yeah, that babbling was certain unnecessary for that 😭

it really is just vibes as of right now, though, since we still don’t know much about her.

because to me, Perrine feels like a kid who tries to keep up this calm veneer, that everything is okay, when she’s really bursting at the seams with emotions. she is the oldest, and she feels this responsibility over the others, but she doesn’t really like having that power. she is a child who lost her whimsy, her innocence, unlike everyone else around her.

much like Amicia.

also Perrine doesn’t like authority, and Amicia beefs with basically every authority figure in the second game lmao

anyway.

PLEASE play the Plague Tale games!! they were made by an indie team, and they’re absolutely gorgeous and breathtaking, both visually and emotionally. the depiction of PTSD in the second game is one of the realest and most raw portrayals i’ve ever seen in anything before. also the music is just incredible. No Turning Back in particular is probably the best song on the OST. also also i cried like twenty times on various occasions over the second game.

[dollarbin]

Shakey Sundays #40:

New Mama

I don't care how many guitars he owns. I just want to know when will we, the proud denizens of the Dollar Bin, reach the bottom when it comes to Stephen Stills?

You'd think it can't get any worse than pounding off-brand lagers while listening to Manassas. But then along comes American Dream and Stills' 80's reggae version of Neil Young's worst song, not to mention his soft rock recipe for French Toast.

Unless I come across a Joe Freakin' Lala concept record focused on how to win over the ladies with Stills contributing vocal stylings in self-satisfied, brooding, Gringo Spanglish, Stills's contributions to Long May You Run have gotta be the worst of it, right?

Wrong.

Get this: In June, 1975, Neil Young belatedly issued Tonight's The Night, the greatest Tortured Bender Record of all time. That's an official category. Stephen Stills celebrated the record's release by doing everything in his power to steal Neil's thunder.

He failed of course: Stills, Stephen's provocatively titled third solo record, which was issued just three days after Tonight's the Night, is neither great nor tortured, and the only bender involved is the personal one you'll initiate while trying to listen to all of it.

But how's about get that bender started on a lovely note? Join me friends: let's knock down tequila and salt while leaning into Shakey's master, original take of Tonight The Night's New Mama:

Ah yeah, that's the stuff.

Now let's ruin Neil's harrowing, steeply tilting from joyful to miserable vibe! First, check out Stills' liner note for Stephen's cover of that song. New Mama had enjoyed three full days as a Neil Young number before Stills started bragging about his own newly issued version:

"Neil says this one his own way. The basic for this version was Leland on bass, Russ drums, Lala percussion and Stephen playing guitar and electric guitar simultaneously. Only instrumental overdub is additional guitar by Don. Vocals are Stephen, Rick and Don."

Where the hell should we start regarding all the grocery store bologna contained in this little missive? I guess I should make you listen to his tone deaf, strutting version of New Mama before I list all the ways Stephen Stills, more so than ever before, truly sucks...

Issue number one: Stills writes about himself in the third person in his liner note. Unless you are Elmo you have no business speaking about yourself in the third person. Elmo and the Dollar Bin forbid it.

What's that you say? Maybe Stevie "Absolutely No Wonder" Stills didn't write these notes himself? Yeah, that's not gonna fly: the writer of Stills' liner notes repeatedly describes how "we" did this and "we" did that. And guess who is the only person to play on every song of the record? Yeah, you know who.

Stills definitely took a page here outta Paul McCartney's Wings playbook and wrote all of the liner note's nonsense himself. After all, who on earth other than Little Stephen Stills would consent to author enthusiastic insider perspectives regarding a song this bad?

Okay, let's move on to the second unconscionable issue at play here: Stills claims in his note that he plays two different guitars "simultaneously" on his version of New Mama.

I have no idea what the hell he means by that. Did he place two of his 17 guitars upon his portly middle, one above the other, and then use giant strumming action to crash through both sets of strings, playing half them with no chording whatsoever?

That can't be it.

So what is it? Did he play one guitar with his hands and the other with his allegedly tremendous, and fearfully engorged, manhood? Did he access his Jedi powers and produce this terrible music via the force?

Wait: I've got it. This whole "simultaneous" thing is Steve "never had any Jobs" Stills' way of letting us know that he's actually the world's current embodiment of the all holy Krishna and that, as such, he dedicated himself not to the world's salvation, as any worthy Krishna embodiment would, but rather to lazily remaking one of Neil Young's songs while in Krishna's infinitely manifold form, which boasts infinite arms, infinite legs, infinite tongues and infinite eyeballs. Stephen Stills alleged version of Krishna can see all, consume all, and play two guitars at once.

That must be it. Because otherwise Stephen Stills is just full of crap.

And what about the bald faced audacity Stills access when claiming credit for "this version" when really his entire track is a straight up rip off Neil's own original arrangement? Music listeners who were duped into buying this record to begin with would have taken the Stevester's word for it and thought what Steverino wanted them to think: that Stills, in his genius, found a way to make New Mama rock; he even inserted an entirely original "oh new mama! oh new mama!" fade out.

That claim is really the most insidious thing going on with Stills' cover: after all, just listen to Neil's original, 1973 arrangement of New Mama from the Time Fades Away tour.

The riff is already basically set for Stills to steal, plus the whole mood, pace and even the fade are their for his plucking. Everything in Stills version that's not in the original live take is stolen from the Tonight's the Night version or from the Standardized Soft Rock Playbook, Volume 3, Copyright 1974.

Don't be fooled people: the time warp continuum did not bend and allow Stephen and Neil to unknowingly come up with the same arrangement here. Rather, Stills knew all about Neil's macho but still extra-sweet way of playing the song; he, Crosby and Nash hovered around the Time Fades Away tour like me around a brewery on free sample Wednesday.

Young was way too cool and above it all to reveal Stills' blatant plagiarism at the time; he only did so, and without pointing the issue out to anyone, 40+ years later with the release of Tuscalousa. At that point no one earth - until now! - even noticed that Stills had ripped Young off.

So let's tally things up: Stills stole a song, stole an arrangement for that song and then covertly praised himself and took credit for everything, all while claiming godhood in the process.

Hindus are offended. The Dollar Bin is offended. And I am incensed.

And, to top it all off, Stills' version of New Mama still sucks anyway! Be brave and play his version one more time. Listen to him mess with the melody and the phrasing; observing Joe Freakin' Lala juggle a whole freezer's worth of the band's blood sausage phallus's; hold your head in your hands, blast another of Shakey's timeless live takes in a perhaps futile effort to drown out all the suckiness, and then pray for Lord Stephen to release you from his infinite, chomping jaws.

[mortallyclearwonderland]

Top 10 Best Polish DUBs part 1

Shrek is widely regarded as one of the best Polish dubs ever and a favorite animated film for both kids and adults. The original dub is good. I like how in the original Shrek has a Scottish accent but the Polish Shrek is so much better with emotions. During the second act low point when he screams at Donkey he sounds like he's about to cry. Speaking of Donkey, his jokes were changed to be more Polish but also revolve less around pop culture, so even when you don't get the reference the joke still fits with what is going on in the movie. Fiona is WAY better in the Polish version. They made an effort to make her sound like a princess. And the extras for the most part speak like people in medieval times would. Prince Charming sounds like a knight and a gentleman (when his true self doesn't come out). Fairy Godmother kills her two songs.

2. The Madagascar franchise is way more popular and liked in Poland than in the USA and I think it's largely due to the dubbing of the main characters. Sure, King Julian, his lemurs, and the penguins became much more popular over the years thanks to the memes. But in Poland, they were a hit since day one. So much so that their show is still aired on Comedy Central for people to enjoy. Going back to the main characters, Gloria is way more motherly, Alex is more sincere and theatrical, and Marty has way more emotions and energy. Again, many of the jokes are way better. And ''Wyginam śmiało ciało'' is a banger.

3. Asterix and Obelix are French comics and eventually, they got their own live-action movies, before the MCU was a thing! From what I've heard they're moderately popular in France but the French themselves were shocked at how popular they became in Poland. For the most part, dubbing is used for animated movies and shows, and live-action shows and movies if they're for children aka made by Disney, Nickelodeon, etc. The divide between people who like lectors and people who like dubs is such a big deal that there will be the same movie playing in the cinema but one version will be dubbed and the other with a lector. Not these movies. The dubbing for those movies is so loved that I don't even think they have a version with a lector. It might be also the case that way fewer people in Poland know French.

4. Any Disney/Nickelodeon live-action sitcom is way better in Polish than in English. It's pretty obvious that for most of those kid actors, it's their first time starring in a show. Also, most of them, especially girls, are picked for the roles because they can dance and sing and can be turned into another pop star. When I listen to the original versions I often find myself cringing at how some of the actors are overreacting or aren't putting enough emotion into their voices because they're too focused on remembering and saying their lines.

Personally, the classics from the 2000s and early 2010s are the best. They were great shows which were only made better by a great dubbing. Now we have garbage shows that are watchable thanks to the dub but nothing spectacular. Who the hell remembers ''Bizaardvark''?

5. If you know the Youtuber Saberspark you might know cartoons from Mondo World. Cartoons created by this studio are infamous for their terrible dubbings with broken English, long pauses, characters huffing, puffing, moaning, and making many other awkward sounds. For the most part, Polish dubs fix those annoyances. Characters sound actually normal. Turning them into, dare I say, good shows.

[missfreija]

louis for the ask meme ❤️

favorite thing about them: his tendency to react with great fervor only to the topics that interest him, his love for literature, his reverence for life only after becoming a vampire, his emotional vulnerability and weird moral principles, his introspective and anguished narrative, his physical appearance lol i like that the author wrote him as a sort of naive dramatic romantic mc.

least favorite thing about them: he is so judgemental. (real answer: his almost total absence after iwtv. I need a trilogy slice of life from his pov lol)

favorite line: 'The great adventure of our lives. What does it mean to die when you can live until the end of the world? and what is 'the end of the world' except a phrase, because who knows even what is the world itself? I had now lived in two centuries, seen the illusions of one shattered by the other, been eternally young and eternally ancient, possessing no illusions, living moment to moment in a way that made me picture a silver clock ticking in a void: the painted face, the delicately carved hands looked upon by no one, looking out at no one, illuminated by a light which was not a light, like the light by which god made the world before He had made light. Ticking, ticking, ticking, the precision of the clock, in a room as vast as the universe'

brOTP: david (basically canon, they often live together for years between memnoch and post merrick, they seem to have a mutual admiration and sometimes david can kiss his maker's husband ahah), gabrielle (a girl can dream lol i wanted more interactions between them), armand in tg era, and i think marius would be a good friend for louis. marius likes louis right away in qotd and once louis got over his reverential fear of the roman they could often discuss about art and other interesting topics. I think louis would get along with almost all the cast

OTP: lestat

(honorable mention under the section 'emotional relationship that made me cry a lot' for louis and claudia <3)

nOTP: i don't Hate them but i've never been a fan of armand/louis

random headcanon: 1) when he was human his only sexual experiences were with prostitutes, he never had a lover. 2) he is a decent billiards player. 3) during the nineteenth century he read and enjoyed penny dreadfuls. 4) even in the present sometimes he confuses words and mixes French and English

unpopular opinion: i dont know, people only talk about show!louis (and i couldn't care less about that version of the character...) or how they hate him in the books.

i like to think that his angsty reunion with lestat at the end of iwtv happened in 1920/'30 (we know that Lestat affirms that this fact never happened and that Louis only spied him from the windows but I don't really like this explanation sooo I prefer to believe louis' version and to think that lestat lied or doesn't remember lol).

i don't know if it's an unpopular opinion but i noticed that many fans love his character development/glow up post merrick (having accepted his nature and no longer being sooo weak) but I have always been a bit perplexed about this event, in the narrative his resurrection is rushed and shallow, to me it felt basically just a pretext to awaken lestat (even his chapter at the end of pl is so...random and out of context but ok). on the other hand I'm happy that Louis got some peace and happiness after so much suffering but the (offscreen) process that led to this change disappointed me

him being the 'royal consort' in the final books gives me second hand embarrassment lol

song i associate with them: saint bernard - lincoln, california - lana del rey, his Canonic Song aka moon over bourbon street - sting

favorite picture of them: there are so many amazing fanart 🫶🏻

i love this artist - this - this

[randomvarious]

1995 London Playlist (YouTube)

Back with some more gems and jams this week from the mid-90s London underground. As I continue to root through my collection and categorize more and more songs, I'm going to keep on adding other cities to post about, but just know that none of these city-year playlists are ever going to be as eclectic as the London ones. No place in the world is simply as musically vibrant. New York, LA, Berlin, Paris, and Tokyo probably come in at a close second through sixth, but they're all still so far behind London.

So this week for this 1995 update we have a drill n bass tune, a breakbeat tune, and a pair of trip hop tunes. If you don't know what drill n bass is, it's this specific form of drum n bass and/or jungle that is far more frenetic and created with an IDM type of mindset. People like Aphex Twin and Squarepusher are known for particularly excelling at it, but the great Luke Vibert makes it too, and he conjured up quite an adventure under his Wagon Christ moniker with his remix of 2 Player's "Extreme Possibilities." As a 7-minute song, this one starts out as a solid piece of nocturnal, boom-bappin' trip hop—with drums that sound like they may have been recorded live in-studio—but Luke soon grows tired of this idea and transitions fully into the drill n bass gist of things with something terrifically nutty that also seems to include sampled vocal scatting as well. Wondrously splattery madness. Originally appeared on the first of only two 2 Player releases, but then made its way onto legendary UK label Ninja Tune's Ninja Cuts: Flexistentialism comp in '96. Currently pushing 34,000 YouTube plays across a bunch of different uploads.

And then for one of those trip hop tunes, we have a song by a group from up in northeast England’s Newcastle Upon Tyne called Emperors New Clothes, whose quietly spiritual and flute-led “Dark Light” received a remix treatment from London’s Trevor Jackson, who would go on to become best known as Playgroup beginning in the early 2000s, but here, is operating under the moniker of Underdog. Jackson’s remix brings a level of murkiness to the tune, as he adds a purely vintage boom-bappin’ backbeat, a little xylo, some lonely, nocturnal trumpet, and then eventually his coup de grâce—purely wigged-out, acid-trippin’ electric guitar 🤘. In 1999, this remix would appear on French native Kid Loco’s excellent DJ-Kicks mix, and that specific version of it is the one that’s now on this playlist here, currently sitting at over 6,500 plays.

2 Player - "Extreme Possibilities (Wagon Christ Mix)" The Illuminati of Hedfuk - "The Worm Turns" Emperors New Clothes - "Dark Light (Underdog Mix)" Grantby - "Grimble"

And this playlist is also on YouTube Music.

So, this update brings us up to 14 songs that total 84 minutes. Next time I do an update for London '95, I may have a corresponding Spotify one too 🙏.

More London playlists for specific years:

1996: Spotify / YouTube / YouTube Music 1997: Spotify / YouTube / YouTube Music 1998: YouTube / YouTube Music 1999: YouTube / YouTube Music

And I'll have more from 90s electronic London next week too.

Enjoy!

More to come, eventually. Stay tuned!

Like what you hear? Follow me on Spotify and YouTube for more cool playlists and uploads!

[krsonmar]

Okay you know what I don't have Spotify and I haven't found a way to post fan playlists with annotations that I like yet so guess what here this is in a text post with links like how we used to roll on Ye Olde LiveJournal

This is my OFMD S1 playlist. Loosely follows the season plot. Here we go:

1.) Come Sail Away by Styx

Because duh like why have they not used this in official promos yet but also very call-to-adventure and with vibes of midlife angst

2.) Fraud by Jonathan Coulton

Every playlist needs some JoCo because there's JoCo for every occasion. Fans debate about what this song is about--I think it's very plainly about imposter syndrome as it relates to the creative process--but here I'm applying it more generally to the feeling that everyone can tell you're faking it. In other words, very early-season Stede.

3.) Royals by Lorde

INTRODUCING BLACKBEARD

(Also I did not know until looking this link up just now that Lorde is also a Kiwi! I am out of touch.) 4.) We're Going to Be Friends by The White Stripes

This song always breaks my heart (in a good way) with its sweet tale about childhood innocence and ease of making fast friends. When I was making this playlist, this track made me think of Ed and Stede's ease of "falling into friendship"...because making a new friend who gets you really can be another kind of falling, just like romantic love, can't it?

5.) My Favorite Things by Me First and the Gimme Gimmes

Pirates like nice things, and they don't ask for what they want...they TAKE IT!!! This is a cover of the Sound of Music song, but made appropriate for the anarchy of a raid by this aptly-named punk rock band.

6.) You're My Best Friend by Queen

I had to get some Queen in here, and this song has always hinted at a slightly-more-than-just-two-friends dynamic to me. The French talk about all kinds of relationships as involving some type of seduction, not just sexual or romantic ones, and for me this track evokes Ed and Stede falling deeper for each other.

7.) Heathens by Twenty-One Pilots OR the cover by Boston Manor

I realized when I was constructing this list to put on my MP3 player (yes, I still have one, can't you tell by now that I'm old-school) that I don't actually own a copy of Heathens by the original band (and yes, I still buy and…ahem…otherwise own copies of the music I like). I did have access to the metal cover off of Punk Goes Pop vol 7, and I think the rawness of that version fits Ed's moment to Stede of "You were always going to find out what I am" quite well. Whichever you, the listener, prefer, I think this is an appropriate spot in the playlist for Stede to be reminded that Ed does have a history, and they are all, after all, pirates.

8.) The Ship Song by Nick Cave and the Bad Seeds

I love how we all, as a fandom, seem to have discovered this song independently of each other but because of this fandom. And what a fantastic, devastating song it is! It's not just about a relationship that crashes and burns, it's about your own ideals, dearly-held illusions, and self-respect going right along with it. And how it grows to be predictable. I don't really understand the concept of "a good cry", but if I did, I think this song would do it for me.

9.) I Crush Everything by Jonathan Coulton

The second requisite JoCo song of the playlist. This one is literally about a giant squid that hates itself, but I defy you not to be smacked viciously about the head with the Kraken vibes of it.

10.) You've Got To Hide Your Love Away by The Beatles

We've all been there. The fake-it-til-you-make-it "I definitely am doing better now :'-)" phase of a heartbreak. This is Ed's floral nightgown being hidden away and replaced by black eyeliner and kohl; this is Stede's determination to grit his teeth and return to the life he hated and now no longer can even fake his way through. The Beatles always knew what they were doing. (That said, as a note, this is about to be four kinda downer songs in a row on this playlist, and the order does matter, so since the next and last heart-wringer is about to roll up, if the tear-jerkers are getting to be too much for you by this point of the playlist, I suggest omitting this one. The Fab Four will understand.)

11.) Samson by Matthew Luke Sandoval

This is a cover I found on YouTube of the Regina Spektor song, sung with such beauty, emotionality, and earnestness by a male vocalist with an angelic voice. The cover is over 10 years old at this point, and it looks like this guy suffered an apartment fire a little while after uploading this video and ended up not getting his singing career off the ground like he would have if this world knew any sense of justice. I tracked a copy of this song down to a mostly-defunct MySpace page and if my Google-fu is accurate, Mr. Sandoval still lives in NYC and is now an accountant or CPA of some type. I hope he hasn't truly given up on his singing dreams, but sometimes doing so makes life more liveable, so I get it if he has.

That said, this song about the bittersweet regret of knowing a relationship just wasn't going to work although it was magic while it lasted seemed appropriate, especially those famous, poetic lines about "the history books forgot about us". Apply that to a fictional reimagining of a man who history knows more as legend than as flesh-and-blood fact, and his protegee, a starry-eyed would-be adventurer, and how they both went down in flames along with a golden age of rebellion against a vicious status quo, and this tender dirge for a love that couldn't be, sung with a masculine vulnerability, gains a new layer.

Yes, I am very proud of this selection.

12.) Beyond The Sea by Bobby Darin

Okay, time to scrape you up off the floor and wipe your nose. Here's a blanket and a cup of something warm. This is, AFAIK, the original version in English of this song (although it was originally written in French), and it has the right musical and lyrical cautious optimism to not only ease you up out of that Pit Of Despair I just put you in, but also to suggest the wistful hopefulness of knowing you'll see your lover again soon, it's just a matter of waiting until the tides and currents and the sea winds align to bring you back to each other. I compiled this playlist earlier this year, and as of this writing we are 10 days away from season 2 premiering, so I am of course conjecturing and self-soothing somewhat here. That said, it's a romance, we know they'll get back together!!

13.) My Favorite Things by Sarah Vaughan

I call this The "Maybe The Nice Things We Wanted Were Actually Feelings and Relationships All Along" Reprise. Another gentle healing song, one that makes me think of cautious but eager reunions and teary-eyed reconciliations.

14.) Purple Haze by Jimi Hendrix

This show loves to use purple imagery to show when Ed is falling more in love with Stede, and while the show creators have said they're thinking more along the lines of Prince (and I declare, right now, before all maybe four of you reading this, that I want to bet actual real-world student-loan-paying money on Blackbonnet's canon reunion scene being set to Purple Rain, you saw it here, mark my words, etc.) if the very last scene of the show doesn't have our boys sailing off into the sunset set to the most famous misheard lyric in rock history, what are we all even doing here?

*****

Would love your thoughts or reactions, I haven't shared a fan playlist before, so I'd love any and all thoughts including things like YOU HEARTLESS BITCH NOW I HAVE TO REAPPLY MY MASCARA or anything else you please! :-) ❤

[itwoodbeprefect]

Ten People to Know Better / Seven Specifics

i was tagged in this by both @atlantis-scribe and @goneahead in only very slightly different versions but with radically different post titles, so i'm combining the two into one. thank you both for the tag!! 💖

Relationship Status: single

Favorite Color(s): green!

Last Song I Listened To: wayfaring stranger by johnny cash is playing right now

Song In My Head: this morning it was last night by the traveling wilburys, ironically because i listened to it last night, i think

Three Favourite Foods: any layered cake that has chocolate in it is very exciting, i could probably eat some variation on a quiche every day of the week, and i really need to make myself some spätzle again in the near future.

Last Thing(s) I Googled: "fiancé or fiancée", because about half of all my searches these days seem to be words i already know, just for the very slim chance that i might be using them incorrectly after all. in this case i was particularly wondering if we'd evolved to the point where we can drop the gendered extra -e that english adopted directly from french, but i guess the answer is no, so i did end up using fiancée. (sidenote, this is one word that never fails to trip me up for a fraction of a second in a sort of berenstein way, because something deep within me REALLY wants it to be spelled "veyoncé", and i have no idea why. i assume beyoncé has to be involved somehow.)

Dream Trip: i don't really dream of trips, apparently, because i have no idea. i've always thought it would be nice to go somewhere for a few days and just sit (outside, on a sunny day, somewhere private) and write, and write, and write.

i'll tag (with no pressure, and extra permission to skip the relationship question if that seems personal): @littlestarsailor @redgoldblue @actingcamplibrarian @eg515 @portlandwithyou @incognito-insomniac @theroseandthebeast @nightcreeping @glassmirrormask @stephmcx

[marie-swriting]

What If - Jake "Hangman" Seresin

Top Gun Maverick Masterlist

Summary : After having an accident, Jake wants to live in the moment even more and take your relationship a step forward, but do you ?

Warnings : Bradshaw!Reader (Reader is Bradley's younger sister by two years), mention of plane accident, mention of deaths (parents and best friend), fear of losing loved ones, proposal, angst, sad ending, implied struggling with mental health, maybe some grammatical mistakes as English is not my first language, tell me if you see some or if I missed any warnings.

Word count : 4.6k

French version

Song inspiration : Champagne Problems by Taylor Swift

You run in the hospital hallways, searching for room 322. Your anxiety increases with every step you take. Your destination seems unreachable. Your eyes are filled with tears but you hold them back. However, the second you walk through the door 322, they run free on your cheeks. Seeing Jake’s body laying down on the bed, hurt, doesn’t help to reduce your stress. Hearing you walking in the room, Jake gives you a big smile as if he didn’t almost die the day before. You get closer to him, examining him a bit more while wiping your cheeks. His left arm is in a sling, his head is bandaged and he has several cuts on his face.

“So, I heard you like bad boys,” Jake starts with a cocky smile, “is this good enough for you?”

“Jake, this is not the time to make jokes. You could have died!” you retort, sitting on the chair next to his bed.

“And I didn’t. I’m here and alive.”

“And hurt.”

“The fact is I’m alive. Thanks to your brother.” he specifies, showing Bradley with his chin.

“At least, we now know who is the best pilot.” your brother jokes.

“In your dreams, Rooster, I just wanted to test your ability to react quickly.”

“You’ll do your pissing contest later, tell me how you’re feeling.” you ask, still panicked.

“I’m fine. I almost don’t feel anything thanks to the meds. Y/N, I am fine, really.” Jake promises you, taking your hand with his right one.

“I’m gonna leave you alone.” Bradley informs you by pressing your shoulder. “Get some rest, Hangman.”

“I’m sorry for worrying you.” Jake says once you’re alone.

“Trust me, it’s not just worrying. I really thought… For a moment, I was sure…” you stutter, a tear rolling down your cheek again.

“I know, I’m sorry. Come here.” he invites you, moving in the best way so you can lie down.

“No, I might hurt you.”

“I don’t care.”

Reluctantly, you get closer to the bed. You think of the best way you could get in bed without hurting him. Jake rolls his eyes before dragging you towards him with his abled arm. You find yourself next to him and you put your head in the crook of his neck, inhaling his natural scent and the hospital.

“Don’t ever do that again. I can’t lose you.” you mutter.

“You won’t lose me. I promise.” Jake affirms, forcing you to look at him. “I love you, Y/N.”

“I love you, Jake.”

You give a small smile then you press your lips against Jake’s. Your kiss isn’t as passionate as it could be, yet it shares all the love you feel.

Once the night comes, you refuse to leave Jake. You literally beg the nurses to let you stay the night. At first, they insist on you leaving, nonetheless when you explain how scared you were to lose your boyfriend and how you can only stay in San Francisco for two days due to your job, they accept. Therefore, you’re currently on the chair in the corner of the room with a thin blanket. Jake wanted you to stay with him on the bed but you said you wouldn’t, you are afraid you might hurt him while sleeping. Your unimportant argument lasted thirty minutes but you stood your ground until the end.

Tired because of his medicines, Jake fell asleep in a few minutes. As for you, you stay awake, watching his chest rise and fall at the rhythm of his breaths. You don’t dare to look away, fearing that by doing so, he might stop respiring. 

Notwithstanding, with the hours passing by and with all the emotion you felt, Morpheus comes to embrace you in his arms. At first, your sleep is relaxing though as soon as you start dreaming, your breathing quickens. You see Jake lying on the ground unconscious, you hear your own heart-rending scream when Bradley tells you about an accident, you smell the rain while the coffin sinks in the ground, you touch the tears on your fingers whilst you’re wiping your cheeks and finally, you feel your own heart that seems like it stopped beating in your chest. 

You wake up jumping at that last sensation. You calm down your breathing while you stare at Jake, wanting to make sure he’s still alive in his hospital bed. You can’t see his chest moving, you panic then you stand up from the chair and run to him. Jake lightly opens the mouth before closing it several times and then changing position in the bed. Seeing him moving makes you sigh in relief. 

Jake is okay. Jake is alive. Jake is not dead. Jake will not die.

No matter how many times you repeat those sentences like a mantra, your anxiety still doesn’t leave your body. Tears threaten to really stream down your face so you discreetly leave the room. Thankfully, the corridor is empty, allowing you to cry your eyes out. You hold back sobs as much as you can. If you sobbed, you would wake Jake up for sure.

You need a moment to calm down your tears. Seeing Jake hurt because of his work in the Navy overwhelmed you so much for several reasons. The first one being because you love Jake and you don’t want to lose him. The second one is because of the buried memories. Your dad died when you were still a baby and Bradley was only two. You don’t have memories of him but you know how much his death affected your mom. The loss of your father isn’t the only one haunting you. You also lost your best friend Lucy. You had been friends with her since you were four years old. You were inseparable until she enlisted in the army and died at twenty. 

Receiving Bradley’s call about Jake gave you a glimpse of what your mother and Lucy’s mom went through, a trial you always hoped you’d never face.

Once you're sure you won’t fall apart, you go back in the room. By some miracle, Jake didn’t hear you leaving or entering, probably because of the medicine - normally, he’s a light sleeper. You walk back to the chair and stay awake the whole night, you don’t want to sit through another tragic scenario made by your brain.

The next day, you stay with Jake until the evening. You don’t want to leave him behind in the hospital, however, you have work so you don’t have a choice. Bradley promises you he’ll stay with Jake until his family comes during the week-end and he’ll keep you updated on Jake’s health. You only trust Bradley for this, you know Jake might not tell you everything to not worry you.

When you’re back home, you find your apartment dull. What is supposed to make you feel better can’t comfort you whilst in your mind, you get more lost in your deepest fears. The fact you’re in the process of moving out doesn’t help. 

Jake and you are supposed to get a small house together. You should have the keys in two weeks, his deployment was supposed to be over by then. A few days ago, you were still looking forward to leaving your apartment and living with the man you love and now, you don’t know anymore.

Your relationship has always been exceptional, not only because he’s a good man but also considering that, before him, you wouldn’t allow yourself to date an army man. You always knew your mother as a half empty shell so you always wanted to protect yourself from the same deadly fate and the loss of Lucy didn’t help either. You’re already worried about losing your brother and Maverick, whom you consider as your uncle, you don’t want to risk losing your partner, too. Therefore, you had always refused to fall in love with a man like this. Before, you could do it until Jake appeared in your life; just like his personality, his entrance in your life was loud. You tried to resist it but your heart didn’t give you a choice so, for the first time, you broke your own rule. Your relationship with Jake is the most beautiful one you’ve ever had and you have no regrets about it. You used to have no regrets about it. His accident was a good reminder of how dangerous his job is. 

Until you came home, you tried to shut down your fears and your doubts though, now, in your half-empty apartment, you can’t ignore it anymore. That night, you can’t sleep, your mind too busy to torture you.

Unfortunately for you, your mind doesn't give you one second of peace. The following days, you doubt your whole relationship with Jake, imagining the worst case scenarios in which he’d die during several milestones : your first house together, your wedding, pregnancies, anniversaries. The list never seems to end. You can’t be optimistic about it. You’re completely lost in your worries to the point where you end up living like a robot. You’re making yourself sick while anticipating the worst.

Your downward spiral is interrupted a week later by a knock on your door one morning. At first, you ignore the noise, comfortably staying in your discontent. However, when the person insists, you leave your bed and open them, not without sighing, annoyed. You’re about to tell the person to leave but the presence of Jake stops you. He wasn’t supposed to come back to San Diego right now and yet, here he is, in front of you, a big smile on his face and his left arm still in the sling and his wounds on his face starting to fade.

“Jake? What are you doing here? You still need to rest!”

“I know, I wanted to see you though and I couldn’t wait so I took the night train at the last minute. Can I come in?” Jake asks and  you let him in, still surprised.

“Why didn’t you call me? I could have come during the weekend.”

“I wanted to surprise you. You’re okay ? You look under the weather.” he observes, stroking your cheek.

“I should ask you this, you’re the one who almost died not even a week ago.” you answer, taking his hand in yours.

“I’m better, Y/N. Even Bradley told you so. The recovery is gonna be long but I’ll be okay.”

“I’ll believe it when I see it.”

“I love when you go all mother hen. It’s cute.” he says, kissing your cheek and you let go of a laugh.

“You’re an idiot. Let’s go to the living room.” you invite him, starting to walk. “Do you want something to drink?”

“No. I just want to talk to you.” Jake informs you.

“About what?”

You frown when he prevents you from sitting on your couch. He slowly strokes your hand before taking a deep breath.

“Look, you know I always try to enjoy the present and with this accident, it really made me realise how precious what we currently have is. I don’t want to waste any seconds, I want to enjoy every moment with you. There is something I’ve been meaning to tell you for a moment now but I would keep telling myself it might be too early so I always pushed it back then I talked about it with my mom and she convinced me to jump in with both feet.”

“Jake, what do you mean?” you question, stress twisting your stomach.

“Y/N,” Jake resumes, looking deeply in your eyes, “since the second I saw you, I knew you were the woman made for me. I knew you were worth the fight, even if, at first, you wouldn’t pay attention to me. You’re the most intelligent, funny, compassionate and beautiful woman I know. We will have our own house soon and I can’t wait to reach this milestone with you but I’d love for us to reach another one.” he confesses, putting one knee down and your eyes are wide open.

“Jake.”

“Y/N, will you do me the honour of becoming my wife?”

“Wh-what ?” you stutter and Jake nervously laughs.

“Will you marry me?”

“Are you serious?” you question, dropping his hand.

“Huh, yes, I even have the ring.” he specifies, taking out the ring from his pocket, “Though I gotta admit, I think of saying it’s just a joke right now, you’re making me nervous.”

“I’m just surprised. I don’t know what to say.” you defend yourself.

Your eyes are set on Jake’s ring. You’ve seen it before. He’d shown it to you the day you first met his parents a year ago. It’s his great-grand-mother’s ring. It’s simple but you find it beautiful.

“It’s easy, say yes or no.” Jake replies with an anxious smile.

“Jake, we’ve only been together for two years.” you argue and Jake stands up.

“We don’t have to get married next year. We can be engaged for several years. We can wait before calling each other husband and wife, but I have to admit I’d love to, at least, call you my fiancée.”

“Jake, I can’t.” you end up saying.

“What, do you have a first husband in your attic or something?” Jake laughs and you see the panic in his eyes.

“No, I can’t marry you.”

Your sentence sounds like a fatal blow in Jake’s ears. He stays silent, staring at you without understanding what’s going on. He gets a grip on himself when his phone rings in his pocket. Jake knows it’s his mom. She knew he was going to propose today and she is impatient to call you her daughter-in-law. However, it looks like it won’t be the case. Jake opens his mouth several times before managing to utter something:

“What? Why?”

“I… I can’t.”

“But I love you, we love each other. You love me, right?” he asks, doubtful.

“Of course I love you, Jake, more than I ever loved before.” you promise him, making him frown.

“What’s the problem then?”

“I don’t want to marry you.”

If your first refusal already seemed awful to him, the sentence you just said is the final blow. The fact that you don’t want to marry him breaks his heart. He’s lost. It was supposed to be a joyful moment and yet, the ground is falling apart under him.

“What? Did something happen? Did I do something? I… I thought everything was fine between us.”

“It is.”

“Y/N, you have to stop being vague, I don’t understand anything.” he retorts with a strong tone. “What’s going on?”

“You should leave.”

“No, We have to talk about it. You can’t tell me you love me then tell me you don’t want to marry me. Talk to me, Y/N, you have to talk to me. Give me a reason, at least.”

“You wouldn’t understand.” you answer, avoiding his eyes.

“If you explained to me, maybe I’d understand. Are… Are you breaking up with me? Is that why you haven’t been calling me lately?” he questions, desperately searching for an explanation for your behaviour.

“I’ve just been thinking a lot and I think it’s best if we stop right now. I’m sorry, Jake, but I can’t keep being with you. You’ll find someone with whom you’ll share your life with and who will want to marry you.”

“I want it to be you.” he says with a weak tone, tearing up.

“Jake, please.”

“Very well then.” Jake accepts, hurt in his eyes.

Jake turns around and at the rhythm of his steps, your heart breaks whilst you’re looking at him walking to the door. You begged him to leave and yet, you only want to scream at him to come back to you and to hold you in his arms while you apologise. Yet, you stay silent. Jake doesn’t look back when he closes the door.

Once you’re alone, you fall down on your couch. In your head, you convince yourself it’s the best decision. After all, you should feel relieved, now, you don’t have to worry about losing Jake because of his job anymore. Nevertheless, your mind is not calm. You don’t know which way to turn but for different reasons. You wish it was different, it was easier, he had another job, you weren’t afraid. You spend the night crying while removing every trace of Jake in your apartment and unpack some boxes. You have to move on right now before you lose yourself a bit more.

You haven’t talked to Jake for three weeks. He tried to contact you but you ignored every one of his calls. He first wanted to fix your relationship before understanding it was too late, though he wants explanations, explanations you keep for yourself. You don’t want to tell him, you know it’s ridiculous. Why end a relationship given a potential “what if” when everything is fine? However, you also know if you had moved ahead with Jake, you would have ended up sabotaging your relationship. Technically, it’s what you did though at least, you didn’t have to call lawyers to leave his life.

Bradley tried to call you, too, and just like for Jake, you ignored him. Jake probably told him about your break up and Bradley, always being the honourable man, wants to fix the situation. Except the situation can’t be fixed. You don’t want to fix the situation.

When you come back from work that day, you’re surprised to discover your brother at your doorstep. Without thinking, you run in his arms. Sure, you’ve been ignoring him lately but you missed him. The last time you saw each other, you were too focused on Jake to pay attention to him. He holds you in his arms and strokes your back. As soon as you break your embrace, you let Bradley in. You go to your kitchen while talking about banality. Whilst walking, Bradley pays attention to your apartment and notices there isn’t a picture of Jake anymore. Once you’re sitting at the table, you stay silent, waiting for who will be the first to talk about the subject.

“We should talk about the elephant in the room, don’t you think?” Bradley says after a few minutes.

“There’s nothing to say.” you retort, tensed.

“Y/N, you threw away a two years relationship for no reason.”

“I have my reasons.”

“Which are? Jake is probably curious to know them.”

“If you came here to make things better, you’re wasting your time, Brad’.”

“You can’t act like that and expect to not justify yourself. You were happy with Jake, you love him and you broke up without giving a warning. I have to admit when he told me you refused his proposal, I was shocked. I thought you were gonna say yes without hesitating.”

“You knew?”

“He asked me before coming here. I confess, I laugh at him, I didn’t expect him to ask for your hand or give me a heads-up, like he said.” Bradley informs with a smile, thinking back to the memory. “Everything was good between you two, wasn’t it? So why?”

“It’s better like this. He’ll have a wife who knows how to stay and I won’t suffer.”

“Wait, is all of this because of the parents and Lucy?” he questions, understanding the reason. “You’re still with this stupid no-dating-army-guy rule? I thought we were over with it! Y/N, you can’t ruin your life just because you’re scared.”

“I don’t want to end up like mom! You can’t blame me! We were kids but you can’t deny there was a before and an after with mom. She wasn’t laughing like she used to, she wasn’t smiling like she used to. She was the shadow of her former self. I don’t want to go through this if Jake were to die.” you confess.

“It’s because of his accident, isn’t it?”

“It reminded me he could die at any given moment with his work.”

“Just like he could die off-duty. He can have an accident, have a heart attack, choke while eating. You don’t know what will happen in the future. You can’t condemn yourself ‘cause you’re too afraid he might die while flying. It’s ridiculous.” Bradley affirms, resolutely.

“I’m already afraid of losing you and Mav’ and I already lost Lucy and we lost dad, I don’t want Jake to join this list. Can’t you really blame me? I’d rather protect myself by not being afraid everytime my boyfriend goes to work.”

“Let’s imagine the worst were to happen, don’t you think it’d be better to think you spent every second with him? You’d rather live with regrets? You’d rather break your own heart?”

“At least, I know why I’m hurting.”

“Y/N, you have to think about it again.” he sighs. “You have to get out of your head that the worst will happen. You can’t prevent yourself from being happy because of what could happen. You deserve a beautiful life and to be with Jake. I never saw you this happy before and it kills me to see you throw it away because you’re scaring yourself.”

“The problem is I can’t help it,” you start with trembling lips. “I couldn’t stop thinking about it when we first got together then it got better. However, since his accident, it’s been worse. Since your call, I keep imagining what could have happened and what could happen and I’m tired of it, Bradley. I’ll never get rid of it and I hate it but that’s how it is. Believe me, if I could change, I’d do it right now, but I can’t.”

Bradley hugs you as soon as he sees you crying. He holds you against him until your tears stop a few hours later. His heart aches seeing you hurting this much. He knows you’ve always been more affected by your father’s death. Being the youngest, the emptiness you feel about your dad has always been stronger. It got worse with Lucy’s death. That day, Bradley really saw you get broken. He hated every second of this moment of your life. He hates seeing suffering like you currently are. Several times, Bradley tried to help you, he advised you to go see a professional but you’ve always refused. Until now, he had hoped your fears would ease with time, yet, your relationship with Jake just proved him it got worse and he doesn’t know what to do. He’s completely distraught whilst he keeps holding you against him, hoping to give you some kind of comfort. 

Two months have passed since your break up. You take it day by day to heal your broken heart. Bradley tries to stay with you as much as he can while Jake isn’t surrounded by anyone. He prefers to wear a mask and pretend your negative answer isn’t hurting him. Nevertheless, the second he’s home alone, his mask falls and he allows himself to feel all his pain. Jake, who has always done it, manages to fool everyone with his fake cocky smile. Almost everyone. Coyote sees right through him.

That night is no exception. Sitting at the counter in the Hard Deck, Jake is drinking his third alcoholic drink. Jake has isolated himself from the rest of the Dagger Squad, saying he’s tired and wanted to be alone. Though, Javy doesn’t let him be in the doldrums. He sits on the stool next to Jake and orders a beer from Penny. Coyote gives him some minutes of peace before speaking.

“Wanna talk about it?”

Coyote doesn’t even need to specify for Jake to understand. Your relationship has been a taboo subject for two months.

“Not really.” Jake says, taking a sip.

“You should.” he replies while Penny hands him his beer. “Do you at least know why she made this decision?”

Jake didn’t tell anyone the reason for your fallout. He feels humiliated enough by your harsh refusal to his proposal, he wants to bury the end of your relationship and never talk about it again. Though Javy is right, Jake knows he has to open up.

“Rooster talked to her. Turns out she doesn’t want to marry me because she’s scared I might die on-duty.”

“Did your accident scare her that much?” Javy questions, taken aback.

“It was the final straw but she’s always been scared apparently. I mean, I suspected it, you know, seeing what we do for a living, it makes sense. She also lost her dad and her best friend in similar circumstances. The problem is I didn’t know those deaths affected her that much. Anyway, there is nothing else to say.”

Coyote doesn't say anything for a moment, taking in the information and the way might have felt when he learned them.

“Well, she would have made such a lovely bride. What a shame she’s fucked in the head.” he says, ignoring what else to say.

“She suffered and she doesn’t want to go through this pain again, we can’t blame her. I’m not saying she should stay lost in her fear, it’s not healthy though, I get why she does.” Jake states before taking a deep breath and finishing his drink in one go. “I just wish she would trust our love more than her fears.”

Once he comes home, Jake sits down on his couch, sighing loudly. He runs a hand on his face, emotionally drained. As soon as his hand lands on his thigh, his eyes find a picture hung beside his TV that he didn’t have the strength to remove. It’s a photo he took at the beginning of your relationship, more precisely the day you told each other ‘I love you’ for the first time.

You had spent the day at the beach during summer. The sun was setting down whilst you were laughing at a stupid sentence Jake had said. He had stopped laughing before you, admiring you while you tried to calm your laughter. Then, Jake had looked deeply in your eyes and he had said those three words so simple and yet, so powerful. You had replied the following second with a big smile on your face. Before leaving the beach, Jake had asked to immortalise this moment. Thinking back on it, it was cliché and cheesy but Jake didn’t care. For you, he would have done the most cliché gestures if it could make you break a smile.

Jake keeps staring at the picture, your relationship running in his head. Without noticing it, he tears up before the tears stream down his face. It’s the third time he cries since your break up. The first time, it was the night of the proposal after he went home and the second time, when Bradley explained to him the reason behind your ‘no’.

Jake has never been good with his emotions. Between his education and his work in the army, he’s never learned to put words on his pain and to accept being vulnerable. With you, he had succeeded to understand himself better and to open up. It was still complicated despite two years together but he had improved. Now, he is back to square one. He’s back to his shell, running away from his emotions. Though, it doesn’t mean his mind isn’t haunted by 'what if's. What if he never had this accident? What if he had seen right through your fears sooner? What if he had managed to reassure you? What if he had managed to convince you to get the help you need? What if everything was different?

As for you, the questions are similar. Every night, you torture your own mind before crying yourself to sleep whilst looking at the spot where there once was the picture of your first ‘I love you’ before you ripped it off from your bedroom wall just like you ripped off both of your hearts from your chest.

Top Gun Maverick Masterlist

[theretirementstory]

Brrrrr what a cold week it has been or was it just because I was up early in the morning for the journey to the hospital? Whatever the reason, I don’t like it! . However, this morning the sun is shining, I was thinking of heading out early for a walk BUT a quick check of Météo informed me that it is 1c out there and that the highest temperature for today is 5c. Think I will just snuggle up under a blanket and look at the sunshine through the window 😂.

So the first week of treatment is over and done with, just another two and a half weeks to go

I have enjoyed the journey to Troyes, catching sight of the grues (cranes) as they continued on their migration. One day there were even cigognes (storks) feeding in a field.

Last Sunday was a gorgeous day and I took advantage of it with a lovely walk. The sun shone and it was quite warm (10c). Perfect for the photos by the river and also around town.

Have I been resting up this week? Well most afternoons, yes, but on a morning when I returned from hospital I have been out shopping, rearranging appointments and preparing and cooking meals. My cleaner hasn’t been 😩 but she is coming for two hours next week.

Thanks to all my family and friends ( from all around the world) who have been sending love during this time. Your support has helped me remain positive.

Pauline messaged to say she is feeling better and so we will meet up (at some point).

I visited my “sisters” at the knitting workshop as I had to take the knitted items ready for the sale. One pair of fingerless gloves were snapped up straight away!

Monique has still been coughing after her bout of bronchitis, she was going to visit me yesterday but messaged on Friday to say her neighbour (who she has been helping because they were unwell) has been taken to hospital with Covid!. So fearful that she may be positive or even a carrier, decided not to put me at risk.

Anie came to see me on Tuesday evening bearing homemade gifts. She told me she is going to stay with her son in Indonesia for Xmas. She will be home in time for her birthday on the 19 January, so I think I will ask her for lunch that day and give her birthday and Xmas presents together.

I bought two Xmas cactus, one which looks white or cream and the other a magenta colour. I thought I would give Anie the magenta coloured one as part of her Xmas present. Both plants had lots of buds on but the magenta one has some flowers very close to opening, I may end up keeping both plants for myself 😂.

An English friend (lives in France) is celebrating her birthday today 🥳🥳. I hope she likes the present I sent her. It is difficult to know what to buy. I saw two things I would have sent her so hopefully the second item will do for next years birthday.

As we hurtle towards Xmas I have been snapping up boxes of chocolates, biscuits, stollen and pates de fruits, these are for the nurses who have visited me at home since June, the taxi companies who have coped with my French and sorted vehicles for me, the cleaner (who has done a great job) and my friends. I may need to go and buy some more but once these are wrapped I will be in a better position to see who else I need presents for. I would like to think that I can get them all wrapped up this afternoon.

Now it’s time for my choice of records, this is for “The Trainee Solicitor” who I think is “guardian” of my CD by this artist 😉. The song is from 2005 and it’s “Bad Day” by Daniel Powter.

The next record dates back to 1982 but the more famous version is the re-worked 1987 hit, it is “Here I Go Again” by Whitesnake. I like to include artists local to where I lived in the UK and David Coverdale was born in Saltburn-by-the-Sea, a mere three miles from where I lived.

“The Daddy” was due to be THE photographer for Scarborough AFC match yesterday, unfortunately he had tummy troubles Friday into Saturday morning and was unable to attend. I hope you are feeling better this morning.

“The Trainee Solicitor” and “The Ex-Graduate” had a great night on Thursday evening at Luke Combs UK but today they are in need of cheering up, so it’s off for breakfast and hopefully a read of the blog which should cheer them both up 😉.

I really want to apologise to the eagle eyed amongst you who may have noticed that I have listed “The Letter” by the Box Tops twice! Well it is a great song and it’s been around for 56 years 😱 really that long!

Now it’s time for me to bid you all adieu. Have a great week until I “see” you again next week.

[allthemusic]

Week ending: 14th April

Yup, we are well into spring and almost caught up with my "real time", right now, as I'm writing this. The weather outside is finally pleasant. And, as if to celebrate, more songs about blossom. Yay?

Under the Bridges of Paris - Dean Martin (peaked at Number 6)

This is an old song. Like, originally a popular song in French in 1913 old. Still, if had apparently only been translated in the 1950s, so that's why it's charting now.

It's... inoffensive. That's about all I can muster for this one. We get some ghostly backing singers who would annoy me, except they're quiet and fade out very quickly, and then some accordion, playing one descending riff quietly in the background, less as a musical element that adds to the song, and more as background noise to signal that "Hey, this song is about Paris!"

And then Dean is singing. His voice is, as ever, lovely, but the lyrics are pretty nothing. There's at least the romance of Paris, and the glamour of it all, and the idea of enjoying a private moment with a lover in the darkness under a bridge is pretty sweet. Steamy, for 1913, but still, just one verse.

Except, the original - hoo boy, the original is way more detailed, both about the bridges themselves and about who's using them. It's explicitly, in the French, a song about homeless people and poor people without a place to go. Seriously, you get two lovers meeting after leaving the factory to go "make love" under a bridge?

Yeah, I'm not surprised that version didn't make the cut, actually. Oh well, more's the pity.

A Blossom Fell - Ronnie Hilton (10)

It's this song again. Gah!

It does at least have a different rhythm going on at the start - quicker and almost jauntier. Given the subject material, I'm not sure this change does the song many favours, but it helps me differentiate them, at least.

I've also pinned something down in this version that's been bugging me about the song. I couldn't shake the feeling before that it sounded familiar, and I realised at this speed that one line sounds a bit like an ice cream van jingle. Not the whole thing, just a very specific moment, but there you go.

The backing singers are nice towards the end of this, I guess - inobtrusive, and they do genuinely elevate the end of the song, giving it a feel that's different to the start. That's important with this era of songs, since popular music doesn't seem to have fully worked out the middle eight yet? There are little instrumental moments, but I'm noticing increasingly that songs just have a few verses, or verses and choruses, that repeat twice or even three times without much else for variation. It still works, but I do like it when the second repeat changes the instrumentation or adds backing singers.

I think that is the last version of A Blossom Fell. I hope it is - I've enjoyed the song, but it's not one I would have chosen to listen to three whole versions of. Meanwhile, our other song today was fine, so I think it might have to be my pick - even if I'm salty about how much they watered down the 1913 lyrics in "translation" (if you can even call it that!)

Favourite song of the bunch: Under the Bridges of Paris

[lizzygrantarchives]

Radio.com, August 16, 2013

As a remix of "Summertime Sadness" brings her to radio in a big way, we sit down with Lana Del Rey to discuss the past and the future.

By 10:30 p.m, almost 100,000 people have filed out of Chicago’s Grant Park following the first day of Lollapalooza 2013, held a couple weeks back. As the mass of coming-down kids move toward the exits, Lana Del Rey sits at a picnic table backstage, just far enough away from the noise. It’s so dark where she sits that until you come close enough to catch her eye, the only thing you can really see is the cherry of her cigarette. This post-festival scene is in stark contrast to her “pretty crazy” headlining performance earlier that night.

“I had to go around the world for two years just to have an audience in Chicago,” she told Radio.com. “I mean, I could just have been unpopular forever, that probably would have been a lot less tiring.”

A year and a half later, after all the panning and parodies of Born to Die have come and gone, there’s a touch of fame PTSD in how Lana Del Rey speaks about herself. She references her “not great welcoming into the American public eye,” but the truth of the matter is, we’re in the midst of the second coming of Lana Del Rey. When tastemakers grow tired, artists of a poppy temperament can try the most mainstream, “of the people” medium: radio.

Those who wrote off Lana Del Rey may be surprised to learn that she has a No. 1 song on a Billboard chart (Dance/Mix Show Airplay) this week. And a Top 5 (Hot Rock Songs, where she has multiple songs charting). And a Top 15 (Digital Songs). And, most noteworthy of all, a Top 20 on the Hot 100, where French house DJ/producer Cedric Gervais’ remix of “Summertime Sadness” currently sits at No. 16. Originally released on Born to Die, “Summertime Sadness” has been given new life through its remixes, with Gervais’ version racking up adds at Top 40 stations nationwide throughout the last month.

Meanwhile, “Young and Beautiful,” Lana’s contribution to The Great Gatsby soundtrack, is receiving airplay on alternative, not pop, stations. Radio isn’t quite sure what sure what to do with Lana Del Rey, but stations are playing her nonetheless. And not surprisingly, she couldn’t be more thrilled. She discussed all this and more in a meandering chat, including her plans for a new album, which she says have been thrown off by the recent barrage of leaks of her songs.

“To be honest, what really happened was, three years ago somebody remotely accessed my hard drive, so even songs I’ve never emailed to myself [were accessed],” she explained. “There are hundreds of them.”

Seeing your set tonight, it’s clear that your stage performance is more elaborate now than it was when you first started touring behind Born To Die, particularly because of the video vignettes. What were trying to achieve with this incarnation of your live show?

Well, I’m sort of influenced each day by whatever I come upon. Like I don’t listen to that much new music, but I actually really love Father John Misty, who kind of reminded me of my roots. I went back to listening to Joan Baez and Bob Dylan, whose life path really influenced my life path 10 years ago when I was 18. For the visuals, sometimes before the songs even come to me, I definitely have a picture first of something I want to paint with words. I remember when I was 16 and I read Howl by Allen Ginsberg; that was the first time I kind of realized you could paint pictures with words and I wanted to do that.

I actually kind of met my directorial soulmate with Anthony Mandler. I always give him these mood boards and storyboards that he goes through and makes all of the visions I have come to life. He never says no and he asks me why do I want it to be about the kindness of strangers, like in the case of “Ride” [the video/short film] — why am I with different men and things like that? I tell him it’s not about being submissive to men or anything like that. It’s about not really knowing anyone close to you who can help you, and being really lucky enough to finding people who you just meet randomly, who can take care of you until you can take care of yourself.

This is to say, the visuals kind of come from ideas that I think are important. But when it comes to the live show itself, that’s the one thing I really don’t think too much about. I’m kind of traditional in that way, where I don’t have much of a magic show. I’m just kind of there to sing and I don’t have too too much to say.

Something that struck me tonight was that I was standing among all of these young girls and I heard at least five times, “I want to be her.” This whole festival is full of girls in flower headbands like you’re wearing right now. Are you aware of these things?

Wow. Well, my reaction is that it’s pretty surreal considering I didn’t have a great welcoming into the American public eye. I kind of feel lucky enough to have written those songs for myself and to tell my own story to myself. I think it’s important to be a witness to your own life through writing. And for me, I thought that would be where it’s really going to end because I’m not going to be accepted — that is my fate. But I’ve learned to go along with things. I toured all over Europe, which was totally madness — a lot of people, big crowds. I was kind of leading a double life, ’cause I’d come home to America and things were very quiet — I’d go about my day and take care of my brother and sister who live with me. So in a way, I’m just glad that nothing’s going wrong.

Considering this young female audience you have, do you feel any pressure to be a role model?

Well I think the good thing is, I do actually aim to live my life with grace and dignity, if anyone felt like emulating it. I know I look a certain way sometimes, or cast a certain vibe. But I really don’t like to be in trouble. I like to live a good life, it is important to me.

At a certain point, though, doesn’t your act become performance art?

Well it’s kind of become that. When the audience gets bigger, it becomes less for you and more of a performance, even though I’m not really a natural performer. I love to write, I love to record in the studio – that’s what I love.

Speaking of, are you working on any new music right now?

I was until my record got leaked last week, ’cause my life is like completely invaded. But yeah, I’m writing songs that I really like right now. They’re really low-key and stripped back, all sort of West Coast inspired. The further along I’ve gotten, the more I stay working with like the same four people. Like Dan [Daniel Heath, who co-wrote “Blue Jeans”], who’s not into pop music but rather, a composer for scores and studied under Hans Zimmer. Him and my boyfriend Barrie [Barrie-James O'Neill, of Glasgow folk-rock band Kassidy]. But I want to work with Lou Reed, and I’d like to kind of keep things low-key and cool.

I think the thought was that some of those leaked demos were of songs you wrote much earlier in your career.

Well some of them were, but some of them, like “Black Beauty,” weren’t…

Are you going to move forward with work on them, or do you feel too discouraged because of the leaks?

I do feel discouraged, yeah. I don’t really know what to put on the record. But I guess I could just put them on and see what happens. Each time I write… I’ll never write a song if I don’t think it’s going to be perfect for the record.

That’s a lot of pressure to put on yourself.

That’s the way I kind of do it, which means I don’t write all the time. My muse is really fleeting. Sometimes it’s six months. I don’t really push it. ’Cause you have to go do things to write about. You have to go get into to trouble to write about it. (Laughs)

Do you feel like where your life is at right now is more conducive to writing music more organically than before Born To Die came out and you were so shrouded in hype?

Yeah, I didn’t like that. I don’t think it’s been conducive to writing, being on the road and all that. I don’t really feel inspired to write at all, but beforehand, when I was in Brooklyn for nine years… I was kind of a night owl and just walked around and met weird people. That was me picking up life experiences and meshing them into my own. That really did it for me. Actually, Lollapalooza is my last live commitment. It’s too bad ’cause it’s been such a long time since the last record. I really feel like I need six months to live again, time to be like, normal or abnormal. I don’t have anyone writing anything for me. It’s such an internal well and if it’s not full, it’s just not full.

You could work with outside songwriters. Are you open to that kind of thing a bit more now?

Yeah, I’m more open to it now, ’cause personally I’m not really feeling it. (Laughs) Like this guy I worked with eight years ago, Steven Mertens, who made my first record [editor’s note: David Kahne is credited as the producer of her debut, 2010’s Lana Del Ray a.k.a. Lizzy Grant; Mertens is a member of the Brooklyn band Spacecamp]. He knew me really well. So I’d like to maybe go back and get reminded of why I thought I could be anything other than a writer. I’d like to maybe just go back and see what’s there.

Let’s talk for a second about new music you have released relatively recently. Did you write “Young and Beautiful” specifically for The Great Gatsby soundtrack, or was that a song you had previously penned but not released?

I wrote a different song, but when Baz Luhrmann heard it, he asked me if I could I write a memory cue for Daisy. So I sang him a chorus of “Young and Beautiful” that I had already — just a chorus — and he thought that’d be good for her. I wrote the whole thing after I watched her garden scenes.

Were you happy with how it was incorporated into the film?

Yeah. I mean, I’m always wary about super big projects that have a lot of glitz. But something weird that happened, was that “Young and Beautiful” got picked up by alternative stations. I come home [from touring Europe] after four months and “Summertime Sadness” is on the radio, too. So I’m grateful for that, ’cause I love that song.

I want to go back to something you said earlier. You acknowledged that you didn’t have a great welcoming into the American public eye, but now, a year and half after Born to Die came out, you’re connecting with a new audience via the “Summertime Sadness” remix at Top 40 radio.

It just reinforces the fact that… not that nothing really matters, but that other people’s opinions don’t really matter because it can change on a dime. And if people are so ready to change, maybe they don’t have the strongest character. I’m not as interested in flip-floppers. I kind of feel blessed the more I go along. I have a young brother and sister, and it’s gotten really basic for me and become about the family. How are we all going to live together if I’m on the road? Are they going to come with me? Will I ever go home again? Probably not.

My new product manager, whom I’d never met before, brought me a SoundScan to show me that “Summertime Sadness” was being spun, a lot of times in L.A. and in New York. It kind of just doesn’t feel like it’s mine, ’cause I’ve had such a hand up to my face for so long.

Originally published on radio.com with the headline Lana Del Rey on the Leaks, the Imitators & the Haters.

[crispyfryenperu]

Normal Midnight Chaos

It’s 12: 16 am. I am sitting in my dusty bed under my dusty mosquito net in my dusty town which I at once adore and is the bain of my existence. I am listening to my host mom softly snore from across the hallway (our bedrooms have windows to the inside of the house so you can always hear everyone). I am surfing youtube and happily settle on 1989 the album. Taylor’s Version was announced today to come out in October. I am excited, I can remember so clearly blaring every song with Julia and Antonia, we had just graduated high school and thought we were so cool.

This race in Newhall was awesome- it was so rainy and so many varsity girls fell down the hill. Everyone was covered in mud and soaked to the bone. Then they cut out the muddy/hilly part for the varsity boys race which was afterwards. (losers)

Today was a strange day, although not unusual. All in all a typical Peace Corps day. Unlike most midnights, I am enjoying my 25 gigabytes a month to listen to 1989 and type up a hopefully-quality-blogpost. I can’t sleep. Possibly because of the brownies I made today with Ryan. Usually sugar doesn’t affect my body but I guess I ate too many (just 5?) brownies. I’ll blame the “chocolate-flavored chips” that we use for their cheap price. Who knows what those are made of. Or maybe it’s because I drank one teaspoon of instant coffee today. Or maybe it’s because there are so many striking, beautiful moments in my days, and also so many startling, uncomfortable moments. In addition recently we had a tragedy over here in Peru.

First I’ll tell you about my day. I woke up took out my retainers and opened my door… there was my 5-month old teenage kitten meowing at me right away. Michicucho followed me as I drank some boiled water - there was no milk :/ and ate a piece of french bread with REAL BUTTER!! I made my bed (wow!) and got out some baking items. Ryan Reynolds (I recently turned in a report and didn’t realize I referred to my site partner as Ryan Reynolds in it. His last name in Lenhart.) Ryan Reynolds showed up at 9:45 am to bake some brownies - despite being in Calango almost a full year this is probably only the second time we hang out just the two of us outside of work. So we talked about Peru and Peace Corps and our expectations vs reality. We are both happy to be growing as people and learning new perspectives and ways of life. I hadn’t wanted a site mate but in the end I’m grateful that Ryan is here!

Now Peruvian ovens are tricky - they usually don’t reach as high temperatures so you need to bake your goods for a long time. Once they were finally done it was lunch time! After I ate 5 brownies and Ryan licked the bowl, he left with most of the brownies. My host mom came home with rice, mashed potatoes, and chicken soup from the comedor popular (like a soup kitchen). I made a lemonade - I can never get the lemon to sugar ratio perfect enough for my host brother! At this point I just try my best, there isn’t more I can do. And my host mom made me a fried egg to eat with the rice and potatoes. I’ve changed in a year because I did enjoy this lunch.

 Throughout the morning I was also checking in with my host mom and counterparts, because I had a meeting with the mayor at 12, but he was at a reservoir inauguration so i had to wait for him and my counterparts to return. After lunch (2 pm) I went to the municipality to wait for them. Finally I was able to present my community project at about 4 or 4:30 pm. Unfortunately, they are stressed, busy, and understaffed, so I was rushed through my presentation. My counterparts weren’t able to come because they had other work to do, in the room nextdoor, as well as because the timing was so impromptu. But the project was accepted. I mean, I’ll be applying to a Peace Corps grant, so who wouldn’t accept free outside money.  Then I tried to have a small meeting with my counterparts to assign some responsibilities in the project and agree on a timeline. But it’s pretty much iMPOSSIBLE to get even 3 of them in the same room for more than 7 minutes. Then I walked 30 seconds to one of my friends house’s to bs about work and life. We walked up towards a bakery by my house to drown my sorrows in some warm french bread. Then I came home, managed to open my front door with the key - We recently changed the lock and I haven’t been able to open it all week. I shared brownies with my host mom and brother, held my crazy cat, and watched my favorite tv show Al Fondo Hay Sitio. But in Al Fondo Hay Sitio there are some really idiotic characters, and today showcased characters who were racist or classist. So it was making me angry. Then I spoke with my creative and lovely friends Alex and Carmen on googlemeet (weird), and finally to my parents. Even though family can be so frustrating sometimes, FaceTiming my parents always brings me joy.

I put my laptop and myself under my thick blankets in case my typing is bothering my host mom. It’s now 12:41 am. Fortunately most people in Peru are very used to loud noise all over the place. So I’m probably fine. Actually the acceptable public loudness in Peru is one thing that I … hate. 

Everything I did today was pretty trivial, so why did I bother sharing it? Well, it just had so many moments of joy and hope. and so many moments of frustration, sadness, or anger. I think it all felt exaggerated in my mind due to the fake-chocolate-drugged brownies (am I old or allergic?)  Regardless, I finally felt today that my community project makes sense. All of the puzzle pieces came together. But there is also so little support for it. The people I am looking for don’t have a lot of time to give me. I can’t blame them for not wanting to do extra work which isn’t even in their job description. 

I was going to talk about TRAGEDY in this post but it’s already a post on it’s own! Looks like that’ll be coming up. Don’t worry, I’m perfectly okay. And so is everyone I love. 

12:57 am. Hopefully now I can sleep deeply.