#so now i feel like theres twice as much pressure for whatever i do next

[blookmallow]

my unpopular tiktok opinion is i dont like cosplay transition videos. its sometimes interesting to see how the makeup comes together but most of the time i feel like im just sitting there for 5 minutes watching someone do their makeup waiting to see the cosplay and frequently i lose interest before i even get there sjdfjd

[brokenbeskar]

Denial

Chapter One of Memories Reforged ( Din Djarin x F!Reader )

Word Count: 8.2k

Summary: After crash landing on the planet of your next job, you learn another mysterious mandalorian bounty hunter is working the same contract as you and you decide to investigate.

Warnings: descriptions of blood and death, canon level violence, grief, there's a nightmare sequence but nothing crazy!

A/N: I’m super nervous to start posting this, but I hope you all enjoy it! Let me know if you find any mistakes or have any criticisms/advice! Theres a lot of mystery surrounding you for the first couple chapters, but I promise they will be explained soon enough! 

Everything around you is happening so rapidly, in flashes. Red, surrounding you, clouding everything around you... 

It’s blood. Blood--blood on your hands, you realize. Blood on the ground around you, on you--on everything. Your vision is so blurry you can barely make out the shapes around you. You’re sobbing, your chest aches, burning, smoke and ash in your lungs, you try to cry out but barely any sound comes through. A rushing in your ears so loud you can barely hear. 

You're desperately applying pressure beneath you, but the bleeding won’t stop. You beg and plead to the maker, the universe, whatever could possibly hear you, whatever could possibly help you, you're so desperate. you’re trembling, shaking so hard you can’t keep steady despite trying so hard to keep the pressure on the gushing wound beneath you... 

Another flash, you can’t see anything anymore, everything is too blurry, but you feel something brush up to your cheek, you lean into it. It’s comforting, but the burning in your chest only gets worse, your sobbing doesn't stop. The brush on your cheek is so tender, so precious, but so painful. So bittersweet... 

More red, another flash, and now a sound, cutting through the white noise that fills your ears--a steady beeping. Through your clouded vision you can barely make out the light flashing on the bomb that's been set to detonate in his hand. You press your forehead to something cold, and you squeeze your eyes shut, blackness engulfing your vision, only the faint blinking of the light shining through your eyelids...

 Suddenly, everything is crystal clear. The feeling of his hand tangled in your hair, pulling you tighter against the cool metal of his helmet, the warmth of the blood gushing out of the wound you are still so desperately applying pressure to, and when you open your burning, sobbing eyes, the crystal clear reflection of the bomb blinking in the corner of his visor. The light growing brighter, and the beeping growing faster, louder, and louder---so LOUD-- You shoot up with a sharp gasp in your seat, absolute panic still consuming you, the beeping from the bomb still going off rapidly--no...you realize suddenly. The beeping from the cockpit of your ship, you're dropping out of hyperspace. 

You’re shivering, covered in a cold sweat, things slowly starting to come back to you. It was another nightmare. You must have fallen asleep while you were still in hyperspace. You glance over to the helmet in the copilot seat next to you, the familiar visor staring at you, hollow. The stars reflecting off the tint of it, and the beat up, once glossy copper accents framing it. You try to get your breathing under control while you shakily take hold of the ship's controls, flicking off the alarm and getting ready to break through the atmosphere of the planet thats suddenly in front of you.

 This is going to be rough. This ship, if you can even call it that, is a piece of shit. It’s barely holding together, you were shocked it was even able to make the jump into hyperspace in the first place. It's trembling dramatically under you, as you try to hold her steady while you descend. 

“Talk about a bumpy ride,” you barely mutter to yourself through gritted teeth as you struggle against the violent rattling of the hunk of metal surrounding you, suddenly very thankful you were already buckled in. Suddenly the whole ship lurches violently despite your firm hold on the controls as you break into the atmosphere, and alarms start blaring deafeningly throughout the cockpit, the ship is barely holding together at this point. You clench your jaw tight, this is going to be a rough landing. Another violent jerk of the ship and you feel something big break off. You can’t even begin to think about what it is though, because you are quickly losing control entirely. You are descending much too fast, and there's nothing you can do about it. Alarms blaring in your ears as you try to make this the softest crash landing possible. The sandy surface of this planet is coming quick, until it's all you can see. You violently collide with the ground, you can't see anything, sand shoots up all around the ship blinding you. You had tried to hit a good angle coming down, but your ship slides through the sand, bounces back up, and rolls twice. You get roughly knocked around in your seat and you wack your head pretty hard on the dashboard in the collision, you black out. 

You groan, slowly coming to, clutching the sore spot on the side of your head while you try to collect yourself. Maker, it HURTS, you can feel the pulsing behind your eyes and you’re seeing stars, your vision blurry from the impact. You shakily undo your seatbelt, and try to lift from your seat, hand still clutching the side of your head. Everything on you hurts, you know you’re going to be covered head to toe in bruises despite being buckled in the whole time. You tap the nav console in the center of the dashboard, but nothing, unresponsive. The whole ship has gone completely dead. No more flashing lights and blaring alarms. Just the slight groaning of the metal struggling to stay together after the crash. 

“Well fuck…” you sigh out, but then the dread and anger hit you all at once. A pit pooling in your stomach and rising up tight in your chest like an inferno, You had scrounged together every last credit you had for this piece of shit, and now it's absolutely trashed. It would cost you more than its worth in repairs, if it can even be repaired. You would bet all your remaining credits it was far beyond saving. You violently slam your fist down into the control panel, cursing loudly into the cockpit. You needed this ship, badly. How were you supposed to collect bounties without it? How could you afford a new one? You bang your fist into the control panel again, then slump down defeatedly back into the pilot's seat, resting your elbows on the edge of the control panel and leaning forward to burying your head in your hands. 

You take a deep breath in and run one of your hands through the hair framing your face as you lean back in the seat and let the same breath out. You turn your head slightly to look over to the copilot's seat, but you shoot back up to your feet when you find the seat is empty. Your heart is racing again. Where is it? Where did it go? You frantically scan the floor of the cockpit, desperately looking for even the smallest glimpse of it. When you finally catch sight of the familiar hunk of metal in the far corner, you rush over and drop to your knees next to it. You carefully pick up the heavy beskar helmet and rotate it so the familiar T of the visor is staring empty at you. You breath out heavily as you press your forehead to it, clutching it so tightly in your hands. You pull away to inspect for any damage--well any new damage at least. The helmet was in bad shape. It had a couple dents and gashes in it, the paint that once coated it so beautifully now chipped and worn, the small crack in the corner of the visor catching the light. You sigh at it, realizing you probably wouldn't even be able to tell what's new and what's not at this point. 

“Well,” you breath out to the helmet as if it could hear you, “no point in wallowing, right?” You stand from where you were kneeling on the floor, tucking the helmet under your arm. “We’ve got a bounty to catch.” And with that you step into the hull of the ship, trying your best to ignore the mess caused from the crash, all of your belongings thrown about and scattered unceremoniously throughout it. You find your go bag and sling it over your shoulder. Then head to the exit ramp to leave, but pausing before you step out into the sandy environment to slowly slide the helmet from under your arm, over your head, with a click.

--------------------------------- 

You hate desert planets. You're burning up under your bulky beskar. It barely fits you, so you have to bulk up under it to make sure it stays on properly. It doesn't look as awkward as it feels, and no one can tell how much you're sweating under the helmet, but maker, you’re miserable. With every step you can feel the soreness lingering from the crash earlier. It was quite a walk to the nearest settlement. You’re in some kind of marketplace. It’s bustling and busy, vendors lining the sand covered streets selling all kinds of wares, a lot of it junk. 

You’re in a terrible mood. Between crash landing your one and only ship, the heat of this planet baking you alive under your armor, and the sand that you can feel working its way uncomfortably into your boots, you’re seething with anger. You swear it would only take one local giving you the wrong look for you to snap and break their neck with your bare hands alone. You bet it shows in the way your walking, you're used to people staring at this point, it comes with wearing beskar, but the way people are quickly stumbling to get out of your way as you angrily stride through the streets, crowds parting for you so you can pass, you know you probably seem more intimidating than usual.

Stepping into the nearby cantina, is instant relief. It’s much cooler in here, but you try not to relax too much and lose that power in your stance as you enter. Something feels off, when you notice the reactions in the bar. The stares and hushed whispering were normal to you, but something about it was different this time. Maybe the heat was getting to your head. You stride over to the bar and silently take a seat. The patron in the seat next to yours, quickly gets up to move away from you, and you don’t even bother to look in his direction. 

The bartender in front of you, polishing glasses speaks before you get the chance, “Let me guess, you want information on the bomber.” You tilt your visor up to him a bit surprised. How did he know? “You’re friend already came by, I told him everything I knew, I’ve got nothing else for you.” Now you’re really confused. You cock your helmet slightly to the side quizzically without saying a word. Friend? You don’t have any friends. And definitely not any you would be working on a bounty with. Not anymore at least. The bartender seems to catch your confusion so he continues, “The other mandalorian.” Other mandalorian? There was a mandalorian here hunting your bounty? when you don't move he elaborates, “The big one, uh you know--real shiny guy, all chrome and whatnot…” the bartender trails off not knowing how else to describe him. Well, that's surely interesting. Suddenly you decide maybe you need to investigate this...shiny mandalorian. You nod at the bartender as a quiet thank you as you rise silently from your seat at the bar. You toss a couple credits onto the counter for the information, even if it's not what you were initially looking for. The bartender at the sight of the credits points you in the direction of where he had seen this mysterious mandalorian head off to, likely understanding now, that the two of you were most likely indeed, not friends. 

It doesn’t take long to spot him. He must have just left the cantina not too long before you arrived, he was close by, and the reflective beskar stuck out like a sore thumb amongst the crowd that was parting for him in the same way it had for you. You kept your distance, keeping out of sight but trailing behind just enough that you wouldn't lose him. You knew damn well, that he probably knew you were following him, any truly skilled bounty hunter would realize that fact, let alone a mandalorian. Your theory was proved correct when he suddenly took a turn and dipped into an alleyway. You weren’t trying to sneak up on him, but you still kept your distance, turning the same corner and following him until you lost the crowd completely. The both of you walking to a part of town with no one, the bustling of the marketplace becoming faded white nose in the background. He makes a few more turns and you follow a few feet behind, until you go to turn the next corner and he's gone, no longer in front of you. 

But you’re no fool, in a flash you whip around behind you, your blaster unholstered and pointed straight in front of you. He’s standing there, his own blaster mirroring yours. You both stand there, perfectly still, unmoving, blasters pointed to each other, fingers on their respective triggers. He speaks first, “Why are you following me?” but he doesn't move an inch “Why are you hunting my bounty?” you quip back. Making sure to stress the fact that this is your bounty, not his. You need those credits, you can’t afford to let them slip away from you when you have no way off this sandy shithole. 

He tilts his visor at you slightly but doesn't reply. So you continue, “The bomber is mine, I suggest you find someone else to hunt down. I’ve got this one handled.” and by that, you mean if he does anything to compromise your ability to collect this quarry, you won't hesitate to kill him too, and you know he knows it...doesn’t he? The mysterious mandalorian doesn’t say anything, doesn’t move a muscle and neither do you. The silence between the two of you carries a tension just as deadly as the blasters you have pointed at each other. 

With him standing in front of you like this, you’re able to get a better look at him. You look with only your eyes, careful not to move your head at all, as to not give him any indication you’re looking anywhere other than his visor, which is staring deadpan into yours. The bartender wasn’t exaggerating when he said this strange mandalorian was shiny and chrome. His beskar armor is unpainted, and beautiful, not a single flaw. You’ve never seen anything like it before. Whoever forged that for him was truly skilled in their craft.

“Your beskar,” You suddenly nod in his direction after the silence drags out far too long, “it’s new.” He still doesn't say anything. He’s giving you nothing. You’ve been doing this job awhile, there's usually something you can pull from, a slight change in breathing, tensing on the shoulders, anything to know what your enemy’s intentions are, but him....he's giving you nothing. “I’m looking for a forge master.” You hope by elaborating, you make your own intentions clearer. 

“An Armorer?” he questions, and you nod once slowly. “Don’t have one in your clan?” He tilts his visor at you in inquiry, and you slowly shake your head once.

“I have no clan,” and you can sense his confusion so you continue, “I’m no mandalorian.” you confess, and instantly his blaster arm straightens and you hear the click of his safety switch off. You expected nothing less.

“Beskar belongs to the mandalorians. Hand it over.” His voice is dark and firm in his demands, but you can't help but scoff. 

“I may not be a mandalorian, but this armor is mine.” your voice darkens threateningly, “It belonged to someone very important to me, passed down in their family for multiple generations. They’re gone, so now it's mine and I will die defending this armor in their honor.” “Did you inherit it from your father?” his voice through the modulator is firm, unwavering, and when you shake your head, he tries again, “Your mother?” You shake your head again. “Then it’s not yours, take it off...or I will” he threatens taking a step forward.

You take that step forward as an attack in itself, there's no way in hell anyone will take this armor from you, you quickly lunge towards him in a flash and he goes for you. You go to grab for his blaster, but at the same time he grabs yours and next thing you know, both your blasters are skittering across the sand in opposite directions. You both snap your gaze back and your visors meet each other, pausing for just a second before you're immediately swinging in his direction, aiming directly for his unarmored throat. He catches your fist, and swings with his free hand, you duck expertly out of the way and knee him right in the gut below the beskar chest plate. He doubles over, but manages to kick out one of your ankles causing you to stumble, and he goes for another swing. You jump back the best you can, and punch him perfectly in his unarmored side. He groans loudly at the impact, and stumbles back, but then before you know it, he gets you right back, and then again, his beskar fist colliding with the side of your helmet. It knocks you to the ground, your vision blurs again reminding you of your earlier injury from the crash. You shake your head and try to regain your footing, but he lunges down to grab you. You both struggle on the sandy ground before you get a hold of one of his arms and kick him up with both feet, hauling him over you, so he lands roughly on his back behind you. 

He scrambles to get up, but you’re too quick, you’re on top of him pressing the mouth of his own blaster under his jaw. He doesn’t move and the only thing that can be heard is the rough modulated breathing of the two of you through your helmets. He moves the slightest amount, you're not sure if it's to adjust or to try to get up but you won’t risk it. You press his blaster farther to the underside of his jaw and click the safety off, a threat you think he understands well. You will absolutely not hesitate to kill him if he makes a wrong move. You’ve had a bad day, blowing a hole through his head would be the first good thing to happen to you, but at the same time, he clearly knows where to find what you're looking for and you want to get that information from him before you kill him. 

“The armor is mine,” you say gruffly through your heavy breathing. You nudge the blaster into him again, just to make sure you’re being clear, “and if you, or anyone so much as lays a finger on it, I will kill you.” He doesn’t say anything, doesn’t move an inch. Neither do you. 

Instantly heat blasts against the side of you, and white noise erupts in your ears, a powerful force sends the both you flying sideways and slamming into the wall of the other building next to you, smoke and sand fly up and surround the air around you. You’re groaning as you slowly try to pick yourself up off the sandy floor, the heat from the fire building next to you quickly heating up your armor. It takes you a second to realize what's going on. The bomber. You had almost forgotten about your bounty, you were so transfixed on the strange mandalorian next to you, grunts coming from his modulator as he struggles to his feet. There's another explosion next to you and you try to keep steady scanning with your visor through the smoke to see if you can catch a glimpse of your quarry--and there! It's quick, but unmistakable as you see his heat signature duck away behind the roof of a neighboring building.

“Stay out of my way.” you spit darkly at the rival mandalorian, before turning and breaking into a sprint in the direction of your bounty. 

It doesn’t take you long to catch up to him. You're running through the alley beneath the cloaked bomber while he jumps from roof to roof above you, desperately trying to shake you off his tail. He throws explosives in your direction, but you evade them expertly, bursting through the clouds of smoke and sand just when he thinks he's gotten you. He thinks he's being smart when he decides to throw another explosive ahead of you this time, blocking the rest of the alley with rubble from the surrounding buildings as their walls crumble. He lets out a loud and victorious laugh as he continues to run, celebrating far too early, not realizing he's made a critical error. 

Instead of the rubble halting you in your pursuit, you use it to your advantage, nimbly leaping off a large piece and hauling yourself into the roof. Now that you're level with him, and off the maker forsaken sand, you start gaining on him, quick. He looks back in horror at you and tries to speed up, but you both know it's futile. You would have shot him already, but you left your blaster in the sand, forgetting to pick it up after the explosion, so you have to use other means. You grip the vibroblade strapped to your thigh and unsheath it. You’re just about to lunge for him, grab him and pull him to the ground, but something hits him and he drops instantly onto the roof below him. 

You come to a screeching halt, almost tripping over his body. What the hell happened to him? You look down at him, convulsing on the floor, he's been stunned, quite literally electrified. You immediately know who's responsible and angrily look up to see that damned shiny mandalorian a few roofs away, lower his rifle and start to stride across to you. The sun reflecting off the top of his helmet in such an irritating way. 

“I told you to stay out of my way!” you shout in his direction, “This is MY bounty! I’ve got it handled!” you grab a pair of cuffs off your belt and drop to your knees to cuff the bastard below you roughly despite his lack of resistance. 

“You were too slow.” he says matter-of-factly as he approaches you. Oh you could kill him, you're tempted. The fact that he not only had the audacity to take down your bounty, but now dares to mock you? It would be an absolute pleasure to sink your blade into his neck. 

Your thoughts are cut short when a gloved hand holds your blaster down to you. You look at it in confusion, then tilt your helmet to look up at the reflective beskar staring down at you. He nods towards you and nudges the blaster towards you again. You snatch it from his grip and put it in your holster without a word, and haul yourself up onto your feet with the bounty. Keeping a firm grip on his cuffed wrists behind his back while he struggles to hold himself up, “Bounty is mine.” you remind him, your visor burning a hole through his with how intensely you stare. 

“I shot him down,” he reminds you. 

“I had it handled,” you shoot back at him. Suddenly you’re curious, and you have an idea. You tilt your helmet up at him, if this works, you might have a solution to your crash landing earlier. “How much are they offering you? For the bounty.” He doesn't answer, you assume it's because he doesn’t trust you, so you offer your commission price readily, “Mines ten thousand.” with the way his visor snaps straight ahead in response, you know you have him beat. Probably by a lot. “I’ll tell you what,” you continue, “let's split the reward.” He cocks his helmet to the side in surprise...or possibly confusion? Maybe both. You can't really tell. So you repeat yourself, “let's split the reward. Five thousand between the two of us.” 

“What's the catch?" Well, it’s not a no, so far so good.

“I need a ride,” you admit with a modulated sigh running through your helmet, “I had a bit of a rough landing. My ship’s scrapped." 

"Five thousand credits isn't enough for a ship."

"That's not your problem. We'll part ways after we split the credits. We got a deal or not?" 

"Only if you hand over that beskar when we split the credits." 

you pretend to mull it over in your head, but you know that nothing in the universe could possibly convince you to give up your armor. you will die with it, and even in death you will take it to your grave.

"I'll consider it." you say finally. you know it's not what he wants to hear, but you hope it will be enough. 

"Then it's a deal." He nods and doesn't say anything more, just starts walking in what you assume is the direction of his ship, so you kick the heels of the bounty you're still holding up by the cuffs. 

"Move it." you snap at him and start pushing him forward as you follow the silver armor ahead of you. the bounty is still barely hanging onto consciousness, dragging his feet, you're doing most of the work for him. 

Then suddenly the bounty stops all together like dead weight, digging his heels in, refusing to budge. 

"I said move it!" you nudge him again roughly, more aggressive this time, but the bomber doesn't comply. His shoulders start shaking, rumbling beneath you, it takes you a second to realize he's laughing. "what's so funny?" you jostle him lightly to encourage a response. and at that, he throws his head back and starts laughing maniacally. That shock bolt from earlier must have done something to him, fried his brain or something. He just keeps laughing, like he can't control it. the mandalorian in front of you has stopped walking, and turned back around to you and the bounty to investigate the commotion. 

"You're too late" the bounty spits out darkly between laughs, and he roars out louder, finding whatever it is he's going on about absolutely hysterical. 

"What are you talking about? you roughly yank him around to face you and his laughing subsides leaving a sickening smile ripping across his face. He cranes his neck to look back at the bustling marketplace and begins roaring with laughter once again. but he's cut off at the sound of multiple pieces of metal hitting the tile of the roof in front of him. 

"Talking about these?" the mandalorian asks, tossing another destroyed detonator bomb to the bounty’s feet. and the bomber looks at the pile horrified. it doesn't take long for you to put two and two together. This shiny mandalorian must have caught onto the bomber's plan early on and found all the hidden explosives long before you ran into him.  

The bomber continues to stare down at the destroyed explosives in distress, realizing his plan failed, before that same sickening smile breaks out across his face and he chuckles out, “You missed one.” 

He bursts back into a horrible laughter, and you suddenly have a pit in your stomach at the sound of it, you yank the bounty roughly by the neck, “Where is it?” your voice is rough and threatening, but he just continues to laugh maniacally. You can’t take it, todays been too much and his horrible laughter pushes you over the edge. Still grasping at his throat, you slam your armored fist hard straight into the center of his face, cutting his laughter off all together. He hangs his head limply, blood dripping down from his mouth, where his disgusting smile once was. “Where is it?” you grit out, pulling him in close to your visor with your grip tightening around his throat. 

The bounty in your grip lifts his head just enough so his gaze meets your visor, and he smiles again brokenly, blood continuing to drop down from the middle of it. “Who knows?” he shrugs. Then spits blood at your visor, chuckling again weakly at you. Your veins turn to ice at the blatant disrespect and you can’t help yourself. You slam your fist into him again, harder this time, sending him flying to the ground at your feet, unmoving, out cold from your attack. Your stare lingers on the bloodied bounty beneath you too long, violence swirling through you. How dare he--how fucking dare he disrespect the armor like that--how dare he disrespect him like that. 

Your fists clench at your sides, as you try to calm yourself. Your helmet snaps to the chrome mandalorian besides you, his visor shamelessly staring directly at you. You wonder if he can sense the anger whirling inside of you. “Where did you find the others?” You manage to grit out through your tight jaw. “The explosives.” Everything about you is rigid and tense from the altercation.

“At vendor tables he was harassing a few days ago, after the first bombing at a neighboring settlement. I checked all of them.” The chrome helmet doesn't move its gaze off of you. He's standing statuesque, unmoving. You look back to the bomber still unconscious on the floor. You’re trying to rack your brain, think where the last explosive could possibly be. You haven't even had the chance to investigate anything yet, you didn’t even get a chance to gather information, you immediately ended up tangled up with the strange mandalorian next to you when you made it into town. That’s when it hits you--the cantina. “Did you check the cantina?” you snap your visor to meet his again, and he shakes his head. “Keep an eye on him,” you nudge the bounty on the floor with your foot, then take off in the direction of the bar without another word. You have to be quick, you don’t know how much time is left until the bomb detonates and kills everyone in that cantina. 

The bartender greets you when you rush in, “Ah! Your back! Did you find your friend?” but you ignore him, you don't have time for pleasantries. You start scanning the entirety of the bar rapidly, looking for any sign of anything unusual. You don’t even know where to begin, patrons staring at you and murmuring to each other while you silently search around--but then you hear it. The faintest of noises barely cutting through the hum of the scene around you. You follow the sound of the achingly familiar beeping, it's at the bar, close to where you sat earlier today. The bartender mistakenly thinks you’re walking over to him directly, and panics at the way you’re striding over in his direction, with purpose. “H-hey, listen-- I don’t know what I did, but i'm sure we can work something out--there's no need for any un--unnecessary violence...,” he backs up nervously, his hands out in front of him trying to show he's unarmed and willingly surrendering. 

You continue to ignore him, and he swallows audibly as you make it to the edge of the bar, but you immediately drop down to reach below it, snatching the blinking explosive from where it's stuck under the bar and rising back up, holding it in your hand. He stares at you--stunned. Now realizing what your intentions were as you toss the explosive to the ground and crush it with your boot. The light fades from within the device and you pick it back up, staring at the cracked device in your hand. Your mind wanders for just a second as you remember your nightmare from earlier, the painful memory that still haunts your dreams. The environment of the cantina fading entirely until it's just you, and the broken metal in your hand. You swear you can almost still see the faintest of light blinking from inside it. 

“Thank you.” you snap back to reality at the bartender's words, suddenly realizing where you are. You nod at him once accepting his gratitude. “Drinks are on me--always! Forever! Anything you want, you can have, I owe you that much…” he fades off looking down to the destroyed explosive in your hand. You smile at him, knowing he can't see it, and nod again. 

You’re about to reply, but the bartender cuts you off, looking behind you, “Ah! I see you found your friend!” You turn to look towards the entrance of the cantina, where you find the shiny and chrome mandalorian standing, the unconscious bounty slung over his shoulder, while his visor is staring at you. You hold up the destroyed piece of metal in your hand for him to see, and at that, he's already turning to head out. You go to follow him, but stop when you hear the bartender start to speak again, “Maker,” he breathes out, “I’ve heard stories of mandalorians before. Never thought I would see one in person--let alone two!” he chuckles to himself.

You turn your helmet in his direction over your shoulder without turning fully towards him, “I’m no mandalorian...” your voice ringing through the modulator at an audible volume, despite how quietly you feel you say it. You don’t wait for a response, you immediately continue your way outside of the cantina to catch up to the stranger carrying your bounty ahead of you. 

----------------------

When you finally arrive at his ship, just on the outskirts of town, you’re a little surprised to see his ship isn’t much nicer than yours was. It’s old and worn down. It looks like it's been abused to no end. “Are you sure you’re able to give me a ride? She doesn’t look like she would last the journey through the atmosphere…” “Where’s your wreck? We’ll stop by so you can grab what you need.” You know he ignored your question on purpose, and he hits a button on his vambrace, which triggers the slow lowering of the ship's ramp, kicking up sand around it. 

“I’ll punch the coordinates into your nav comp. Just get that asshole in carbonite.” You’re already climbing up the ramp to his ship, not waiting for an invitation, and walking into the dark of the ship's hull, its armored owner following close behind you, your bounty still slung over his shoulder unconscious. You take a quick look around as the ramp closes behind the two of you, dim lights illuminating the space. It’s not big by any means. You make note of all the crates and other miscellaneous goods neatly tucked around the hull’s nooks and crannies, it’s surprisingly cozy. 

While the mandalorian moves past you towards the carbonite chamber, you take that as your sign, and you make your way up the ladder of what you assume to be the cockpit of the ship. Opening the door once you make it to the top and stepping inside, you let out a sigh of relief at the sight of the control panel. It’s familiar enough, thank the maker. With how old the ship is you were expecting the controls to be unrecognizable and ancient, but you could pilot this. Easy. You step up to the navigation panel and punch in the coordinates of your wreck. 

You go to sit in the pilot's seat and initiate for takeoff, but stop suddenly. This isn’t your ship, you should wait for him. You’re going to be stuck with this stranger of a mandalorian in hyperspace for an unknown amount of time, you don’t want to overstep and cause another scuffle. He's, unfortunately, your only way off this planet, and he's got your bounty. You should be considerate seeing as you’re a guest, and he's doing you a favor. A five thousand credit taxi ride...maker what a shitty deal you negotiated yourself into.

 You settle into the copilots seat, and groan slightly as you sink into it. The soreness from the crash earlier is starting to settle in now that all your adrenaline from the day has worn off. Your glaring headache is becoming more and more unbearable. You reach up and, with a click and a hiss of the release, slide your helmet off your head and rest it in your lap. You breathe in deeply, maker...nothing beats the initial hit of fresh air when your helmet comes off. You lean back further in your seat trying to relax against the plush, worn leather seat. Everything aches, you're exhausted. You close your eyes and continue to breathe deeply as you enjoy the feeling of air hitting your face without your helmet. You don’t even hear the door to the cockpit slide open while you take a moment to relax. 

He says something, as he approaches behind you, but you didn’t quite catch what it was, so you spin in your chair to face him, “Sorry,” you shake your head slightly, “I was zoning out, what was that?” but he doesn't say anything or move. The armored wall of a man looks frozen, tense, his body language is all rigid and weird compared to how he usually stands. You just stare back at him confused. Is there something outside? You look behind you and out the windows of the cockpit, feeling your hair brush against you at the movement. Nothing there. You turn back to him, “Uhh? Everything okay, shiny?” He continues to stand there staring at you, stiff as a board, before he suddenly looks away from you and makes his way to the pilots seat, sitting down without a word and initiating for take off. 

What the kriff was that about? You continue to stare at him confused, hoping for an explanation, but he continues flicking the controls and grabbing hold of the thrusters to take off without a word. You know he's focused on flying, but at the same time, it's really starting to feel like he's purposely avoiding looking anywhere in your direction. You can’t help the way you tilt your head at him in suspicion, but you decide to let it go. You just met the guy, he doesn't owe you anything other than the ride you agreed on. But maker, is it going to bother you the whole time. 

You ride the rest of the way to your ship in silence, luckily it's not too far and you make it there relatively quickly. The second his ship touches the sand next to yours, you jump out of your seat tucking your helmet under your arm. “I’ll be quick. I don’t have much.” you wait a second for a response, but he’s still avoiding looking at you, and doesn't say anything. You tilt your head at him again with growing suspicion, but head out regardless without another word. 

Stepping back onto your trashed ship feels surreal. Looking at all your belongings scattered around and trying to decide what to take is upsetting. This isn’t the first time you’ve done this, having to leave behind the majority of your belongings and start over, but it never gets easier. You pack mostly practical things, the essentials: clothes, medical supplies, rations, whatever weapons you have. You figure you should probably bring your blanket, you aren’t quite sure how long your journey will be and hyperspace is cold. 

When you head over to your cot however, your gut wrenches seeing what you still had of his things scattered throughout the space. The old box you kept some sentimental items in had spilled, scattering the contents across your bed. Some of his old clothes, a crumpled note he left you once, you chuckle lightly to yourself at the memory of it. A necklace, he got it for you as a gift on Coruscant. You pick up his old sleep shirt that's bundled up in the corner and bring it up to your face, taking a deep inhale. It still smells like him. Despite sleeping with it every night, his scent still clings to the material. It's faint, not as strong as it once was, but it's there. Your heart aches, not a day goes by that you don’t miss him. You gingerly and lovingly fold it up neatly and pack it away with the rest of the belongings you plan to take with you. 

You haul the large bags of your belongings over your shoulder, off your own ship and carry them up the ramp of the stranger mandalorian’s ship. You hit the control panel on the wall once you're inside, closing the ramp behind you. You set your things down in an unoccupied corner and make your way back up to the cockpit, helmet still under your arm. When you enter the cockpit however, you pause. 

There’s a strange cooing coming from the pilot's seat where the mandalorian is sitting. Was...was that sound coming from him? There’s no way. You slowly make your way over so you can peer over his shoulder, you gasp at the sight of the green creature bundled up in his lap. It’s big dark eyes staring into yours. “What is that thing?” you mutter out, barely able to squeeze the words out as you stare at it curiously. 

“A child.” You furrow your brows together at his answer. Well no shit. That was clearly a baby, but not like any baby you’ve ever seen. You don't recognize its species. Let alone the mystery as to why the mandalorian in front of you has it in his possession. “Is it...yours?” you're not quite sure how to vocalize all of the questions running through your head. Is the mandalorian the same mysterious species under that beskar? How has he managed hunting bounties with a youngling on board? 

“For now.” You wait for him to elaborate, but he doesn't. You slowly lower yourself into the copilot’s seat, not once removing your gaze from the green baby in his arms.

“And that means?” You tilt your head and the baby mirrors you, cooing at you.

“He is mine until I can reunite him with his own kind. I’m looking for a jedi to take him on.” the baby reaches out to you babbling happily. You go to hold him, reaching out to take him from the mandalorian’s arms, but stop in an instant when his visor suddenly snaps up to look at you. He's doing that thing again, just staring at you intensely. You decide to ignore it, more transfixed by the baby. “May I?” you tilt your hands still outstretched in front of you, not wanting to overstep any boundaries. You’re suddenly very aware of the fact that he still doesn't trust you. He just met you, another bounty hunter, and now you're asking to hold his baby. Much to your surprise however, he allows it and cautiously hands the baby to you, his visor never moving from your face.

The baby coos happily and reaches up to you as you pull him to your armored chest. He’s adorable, the way his little teeth poke through his smile, it swells through your chest. Oh he is absolutely precious. You wiggle your finger at him and he latches his tiny green ones around it. You haven't even noticed the mandalorian still staring at you. “Does he have a name?” you press your finger lightly to the baby's nose and his little green smile grows larger as he giggles in response. You can feel yourself smiling too, you can't help it, it's contagious. 

“Grogu.” You can still feel his visor on your when he replies. “Little Grogu…” you repeat softly, stoking the baby’s cheek. His big ears perking up at the sound of his name. He reaches up with his little fingers, so you hold him up a little higher against your chest, and he grabs onto a piece of your hair. You chuckle lightly at how captivated he is by you, in the same way you are with him. “He’s adorable.” you finally break your gaze from the baby in your arms, looking up to the shiny wall of beskar sitting next to you. Your smile fades into a frown when you see he's still staring at you. Okay, this is getting weird. “What's your deal?” you snap out at him, the baby still babbling away in your arms, his little hands reaching out to touch your face and hair. “Why are you staring at me like that? We got a problem?” 

The mandalorian quickly averts his gaze to the control panel, and begins initiating take off again, punching coordinates into the navigation. “No, sorry.” He mutters, barely audible through the helmets modulator.

“Then what is it? Is there something on my face?” and with that he pauses. Stops flicking switches for just a second too long, before continuing. “No.” He grabs a hold of the thrusters and pulls back, lifting the ship off the ground, and taking off. Maker, his responses are so--frustrating. Absolutely infuriating. How many more questions do you have to ask before you get to the bottom of this? You decide to give up again, it’s not worth your efforts. Let him be difficult if he wants, you’ll forget about him soon enough when you part ways. You turn your attention back to Grogu, immediately your irritation dissolves into nothing. Maker, you’ve only held this child in your arms maybe five minutes and you are already absolutely enamored with him. 

By the time you make the jump into hyperspace, the child has fallen asleep soundly in your arms. The mandalorian stands, and carefully takes him from you, descending the ladder into the hull with him to put him to bed, you assume. Now that you're alone in the cockpit, you look down to the helmet in your lap with a sigh. You grasp onto it lightly and tilt it up to stare into the visor. You reflect on your day; the crash, the scuffle with the strange mandalorian, the rush of trying to find the last bomb your bounty hid. Nothing ever goes smoothly for you anymore. Everyday feels like a struggle now that he's gone. It's been over a year since he died--almost two, you realize suddenly. The nightmares still plague you almost every night. You clench your eyes shut, and shake your head lightly trying not to think about any part of that horrible day. You should have died with him--you were supposed to. Whatever kind of sick joke the maker was playing, saving you and not him, you’ll never understand. You flutter your eyes back open, another sad sigh escaping your lips, as you stare back into the familiar visor. The smear of stars through hyperspace reflecting off of it. Hollow...empty. You gently hold the beskar up in your hands, and lean forward to press your forehead into it, taking a deep breath as you do so. 

You gasp lightly when you hear the cockpit doors open, and pull away from the helmet in your hands as the new and mysterious mandalorian you just met enters and resumes his seat in his respective chair. You’re suddenly embarrassed, hoping he didn’t see that. Such a personal and intimate moment you don't want to be witnessed by anyone, let alone someone you just met... and quite frankly don’t like. You relax slightly after a moment of silence, and lean back into your seat, resting your aching body against the back of it, closing your eyes against the streaks of light coming through the window. 

“Who did it belong to?” His modulated voice ringing out through the silence catches you off guard. 

“Hmm?” you open your eyes and turn your head slightly against the back of your seat to face him. He hasn't moved his gaze from the cockpit window. 

“Your armor. You said it belonged to someone important to you.” You suddenly get the feeling he definitely saw you earlier, when you had your forehead to the helmet in your lap, and you tense a bit. You’re just staring up at him cautiously, uncertain if you can trust him. 

You’re quiet for too long before you let out the softest of sighs and take another deep breath in, “Maybe another time...” is all you can manage. You’re not sure why, but the idea of telling him seems impossible. It's not a secret by any means, you haven't hesitated to tell anyone before. Maybe it’s because you're not sure you can trust him, or simply the fact that you don’t like him. Maybe it’s because he's a mandalorian... 

It's probably all of those reasons and more, all mixed up. It doesn't really matter, there's no reason for him to know. You will be parting ways with this mysterious mandalorian soon enough. Thankfully he doesn’t press the issue. In fact, he doesn’t say anything. The two of you ride your way through the silence of hyperspace without another word. Only the low rumbling of the engine beneath you filling the air.  ***  MASTER - Next

[lovieebby]

Hard Night

Henry Cavill Oneshot/Drabble

Word Count: 1.2k

Warnings: fluff and a mention of henry’s package 👀

a/n: this is my first posting of ANYTHING I’ve written, hopefully y’all will like it! I couldn’t sleep last night so i thought i��d spit this out. & thank you @princess-of-riviaa & @viking-raider for reading this, your work is amazing and i love y’all. this was also typed and posted thru my phone so the formats all fucky, sorry

———————

sleep comes and goes for you and it’s getting to a point where it worries him. when he rolled over in bed to snuggle you in close, he noticed you weren’t there. Henry cocked his eye brow up and patted your side of the bed. he opened his eyes and looked over his shoulder to his side table and squinted at the bright green lights of the clock and sighed. it was close to being 3am, your side had maybe a lingering of heat from you but he couldn’t tell.

“oh honey.” he whispered as he rolled completely over to open the blanket, he got out of bed, his knees popping as he stood.

he walked from the bedroom from the hallway when he had seen that you had lit your favorite candle, you had gotten it from a little store in town, saying that it smelt like the air when it was about to rain. next to the candle was a napkin filled with crumbs, guessing from your late night snack at the kitchen island. he trailed into the living room where there was a little glow from a light, which he was guessing the small lamp from the side table, and there you sat on your phone scrolling through god knows what.

your back was turned to him as you had his favorite blanket wrapped around your legs. Kal half way on you, half way off the couch, snoring loud enough where anyone could’ve thought he was an actual human.

clearing his throat, he asked, “what are you doing bug?” he rubbed his eyes, adjusting to the light.

you didn’t answer but Kal perked up so fast, seeing Henry, you had jolted in your spot with a gasp. you followed what the pup was staring at and took out your ear buds when you saw Henry. he lazily smiled at you.

he hadn’t realized you where zoned out in your own world, now he felt a little guilty, knowing maybe this was the only free time you had to relax.

“I’m sorry baby, did I wake you up?” you asked as you paused your music, sitting up straighter.

Oh (y/n), he thought, she looks so tired.

Henry sighed, but shook his head no. he saw the dark circles under your eyes. “No bug, you’re okay.” he smiled again, his voice still hoarse.

this was the third night in a row where you couldn’t sleep. you both had no idea what was causing the problem, maybe your anxiety, maybe your depression. your appetite wasn’t normal and your sleep comes and goes through out the night. you had told him you try to eat even when you weren’t hungry, and you had tried taking sleeping medicine to help, but it had made you more restless then normal, so you had stopped taking it.

“I moved to the living room so I wouldn’t wake you up from me moving around.” you sheepishly smiled. you hated waking him up, specially at this time. Hen’s been toning up again for another role he got, so he’s been in the gym and running so you knew he was tired and sore.

“No no baby, you’re okay, I had to get up soon anyway,” he kissed your cheek when he walked to the couch, patted Kal’s thigh to get him to scoot over so he could sit.

He put his legs up under the blanket with you and leaned on the other side of the arm rest, mimicking your position. he put his arm over the back of the couch and leaned his head on his bicep. he blinked up at you. you had worn one of his long sleeved tee shirts, with your cream colored cardigan.

you smiled at him, grabbing his hand in his lap and squeezed three times, i love you.

he squeezed back, i love you.

you could see the sleep written all over his face, he had sleep lines on his face, and under his arm from the bedding.

“did you get to sleep at all?” he asked, while stifling a yawn in the back of his hand.

you leaned your head on the couch, “i got maybe,” you scrunched up your face, thinking, “three hours?”

Henry chuckled and nodded slowly, well thats better than last night, he thought. “That’s better baby girl.”

“what where you listening to?” he asked, “the same ten songs on repeat?”

you chuckled and rolled your eyes, “yeah.”

he breathed in deep and looked out the window, hearing some of the critters outside, scurrying around. you had put out so many squirrel feeders in the backyard just so you and Kal could sit at the bay window and watch them run around, you naming off your favorites, when all Kal wanted to do was play with them, or eat them.

knowing that it was probably pretty close to the time he normally wakes up to get moving around for the day, he thought it would be a good idea to have you join him in his morning shower. maybe after getting fresh and clean you’ll feel a little better and feel relaxed enough to fall asleep. even if it’s just for a little while, its better than the little sleep you had already gotten. and maybe he can get you relaxed in other ways you both enjoyed doing.

“I need a shower, you want to join?” henry asked, looking back at you, wiggling his eyebrows, with a shit eating grin.

you laughed and nodded your head yes, “I don’t gotta be asked twice,” you said as you got up off the couch, excitedly grabbing his hand and pulling him off the couch.

“maybe after a hot shower, you’ll be able to sleep.” henry said to you, as you lead him to the bathroom.

you both walked into the bathroom, henry flicking on the light. releasing his hand, you walked to the shower to start the water, stripping yourself of your jammies, henry at his side of the bathroom counter, getting ready to brush his teeth. he peeked at you, you and all your curves, stretch marks, and all that you saw as imperfections, you where a goddess to him.

he loved every part of you, whatever you saw as imperfect, he loved even more. one of his main goals to make you believe that you where made just for him, if he could, he’d scream it to the world, praising you of your accomplishments, no matter how small. his baby was the light of his life and he wanted everyone to know.

he watched you bend over in the shower to feel the water and he groaned. seeing the curve of your ass and the way your back arched to adjust the hot water nob, made his brain fog of all the moments you’ve shared. knowing what you sound like, those little gasps, the way your skin feels under his hands, the way his name slipped from your puffy lips after sharing kisses and lingering nibbles from him.

he felt his cock swell, he looked down and pressed himself on the counter, thinking the pressure might help, but oh lord it didn’t. he breathed in a shaky breath, doing it again. his left hand gripping the handle of the toothbrush, while his right tightened on the marble counter top.

“i appreciate you hen.” you said sweetly, looking at him through the mirror, walking up to him and hugged him from behind. “you’re my best friend.”

he squeezed the counter top again, girl you mess me up, stop saying sweet things. he groaned internally.

he snapped out of his dirty thoughts, toothpaste foam on his lips, gone when he rinsed his mouth, putting the brush back in its cup with yours. “i appreciate you too bug,” he grabbed your hands and kissed both of them, smiling into her hands and nipping a little in the junction between her pointer finger and thumb.

“now get in the shower so i can dirty you up,” he smirked looking at you through the mirror as you peeked you head up over his shoulder, henry only able to see the top of your eyelashes. you giggled and released him, turning around.

like lightning, he spun around and smacked your ass, just a small tap. you gasped and giggled.

“okay okay, im movin’.” you said, opening the door to the shower, biting your lip secretly.

——————

a/n: give me your thoughts, feedback is always welcomed lovies 😘 & again i apologize if this format, theres only so much you can do on a phone.

[bijoulilou]

If Jude's Parents lived pt2

We've been walking for what seems forever now, twice Cardan has fumbled with my sports bag. And twice have I tried to take it from him. He has refused every single time but finally relents in letting my arm go.

I sigh and begin to shrug out of my hoodie. Despite the light autumn breeze I feel a wave of warmth from wandering the woods. Usually, I just go home right after practice but when Taryn's club activites line up with my own I'm forced to shower and change. She isnt particular fond of my overall dress but I could care less. Plus they hide my kiddie shirt underneath that I fell asleep with when I woke up late.

Cardan gives me a sideways glance.

"Aren't your legs cold? He asks and I notice the way his eyes travel. I forgot to breathe for a moment.

"Do you think it'll get colder? I shift uncomfortably as we keep walking. Maybe I should have changed as Taryn suggested and I shake my head at the ridiculous notion. This isn't some pleasant outing, we were pressured into coming here. Before he can answer I ask how much further, he laments an answer and we walk in silence. The thicker the trees grow, the closer we end up together and I get annoyed at the way my heart jumps if he gets too close. It's getting dark and it's becoming harder for me to see. I almost bump into a tree and when I stop to turn around I bump into him instead.

Cardan grumbles, "Can't you watch where you're going?" And I can barely make out him fumbling with my bag again, the stick keeps getting caught in the branches.

I narrow my eyes, "Actually I can't see in the dark with my dull human eyes. Give me that!" I reach for the stick as he struggles to get it untangled and we fall. With him going back and me going forward, we bump our heads. The pain smarts so bad I have tears in my eyes as I laugh at how ridiculous this all is. Cardan's face recoils in horror as he watches me sit back and laugh at it all. He must think I'm crazy.

"Why are your eyes like that?" His voice sounds weird and I crack a smile. He reaches forward and I actually stop what I'm doing and hold my breathe. His finger stops a tear from rolling down my cheek and we both stare at the droplet.

"Have you never seen a girl cry before?" I joke to break the tension.

"I have. But I've never seen a tear this close before." It sinks into his skin and disappears. When it does he looks up into my eyes and the air feels too thick and our surroundings become too much all at once. I clear my throat and after a while rise to my feet, my hand reaching out too his, but he doesnt take it. I dust off the remnants of dirt and leaves off me, noticing the scrape on my knee and scratches on my arm. Cardan stares at my knee.

"You're bleeding." He crouches down to observe and I step back in surprise but he ignores me and clasps the back of it closer to his face. My face goes red and I hold on to anything for balance. He just glances at it, for the longest time, he finally reaches up to wipe the bit of forest left on it. "Do you have anything to clean it up?" A tendril of blood starts to roll down my leg and I reach over him to get my water bottle out of my bag. Out of the corner of my eye, almost too quick to see I watch him tear a piece of cloth out of his cloak and almost fasten it around my knee. I quickly put some water on it to keep it clean and he ties the makeshift bandage around my knee.

"We make a pretty good team." I say and his fingers linger longer on my leg then they're supposed to.

He chuckles, like a real chuckle, and presses his lips over the fabric covering my scrape. I just notice how close he is to my thigh, how his long fingers wrap around my leg, his eyes reach mine and notice me watching.

Cardan smiles, "Cat got your tongue?" It sounds so strange hearing him say such a throw away phrase that I crack a small grin.

"C'mon weirdo. We're going to be late to this party. Who knows what Locke is doing to my sister." I reach out to pull him and this time he takes it, I realize how tall he is when he's brooding over me. I notice how his nostrils flare a little bit when he gets too close.

"Probably having a bit of fun." He smirks but there is something heavy behind it.

My eyes narrow, no longer finding the humor in his words. " Probably doing something you would be doing, huh?" I ground my tone and he just laughs at my serious face.

" Oh, no. I'd be doing a lot worse." Cardan's face is only inches from mine, and I try to hide the gulp in my throat.

"Let's go, before we're late." He says and takes my hand this time. I dont fight it since I'm basically blind out here. The world has grown too dark and my eyes have trouble adjusting, as I hear the forest come alive I get closer to Cardan, practically curling into his side. I can't help but notice how smug he seems about it.

"Are you the boy that I see at the edge of the woods?"

Cardan's back stiffens but he keeps leading us deeper and deeper into the thicket of trees. I hear a distant cry and fight the urge to shiver.

He doesn't answer. But I know its true. For months, maybe even longer, I've noticed a tall lean figure cloaked in black at the edge of trees near pur home. Sometimes even as I'm walking home alone from school.

"I'm not a boy." Cardan finally relents, "And what makes you so sure it's me, theres a lot of things out here. Even now, we aren't the only ones here "

I glance around at his words and my eyes fall back on him." Yeah, but not anything quite like you."

Cardan stops. "Jude, I-"

"JUUUDE!" A familiar voice calls and then slams right into me.

Vivi picks me up into a big hug and I can hear my back crack. Ouch.

"Vivi-I-can't...breathe." she let's go when I say this and beams at me. She glances at Cardan and wiggles her eyebrows at him.

"What have you two been up to? Taryn got here ages ago. Locke said you two must have gotten lost but I know that can't be true. Right Car-"

"That's Prince to you, halfling." A nasty voice crows from behind us. The most beautiful girl with blue hair calls out to Cardan and he gives her such a dark look, that I can see her flinch from here. I let go of his hand and ask for my bag. Cardan almost looks hurt when I do this.

Vivi rolls her eyes, "Your ex is such a pain. Give it to me Cardan, I'll go stash Jude bag with Taryn. I don't need either of you showing up saying the folk enchanted your homework." Vivi peeks under my shirt and I blush. She checks to see if I have my hawthorn necklace and then smooths my shirt back down. "Nice bra." She winks and then dances away with my bag, she's pumping her fist into the air with my lacrosse stick.

I groan. I'm probably going to have to get a new one. "So much for my lucky stick."

"Do you really believe that is brings you luck?" Cardan asks, his hands are at his side as we walk amongst the throng of people, mine in my pockets.

I shrug, "It could be. I mean it doesn't matter to you but it definitely matters to me. I guess that's what makes it lucky." I notice my braid unraveling and I smooth out the plaits with my fingers. Cardan's voice catches and we stare silently at each other. He grows more inhuman every minute and I feel a real wave of terror go across my body.

"Its really you, isn't it." I ask in a whisper, the noticable throng of people around us growing louder and louder. I think I even hear minstrel music and smell wine being poured.

What kind of party is this?

Cardan reaches out, his fingers gliding through my hair. Carefully tucking one side behind my ear.

"I don't know why I do it. At first it was just at out of curiosity. Vivi used talk about this world, your world, and how she had to always go back. And I couldn't understand the pull of it, so she led us to your home and pointed out all the enchantments her and her parents had around it to protect them. And then you came into view. Every morning she said you run, and I just started to watch and I couldn't look away. So I didn't."

My heart started to pump loudly in my ears, this strange whatever he was had been stalking me all this time and I was just processing it all. The wave of fear I felt before, started to drive faster up my spine.

This isn't right, he isn't human.

As I look around I start to notice that not all of them are human either. As they dance, their forms start to wave and in the hazy glow of the fire I can see their true forms come to light. I gasp and Cardan grabs my hand to tug me away. A few pairs of eyes watch us, but a very human girl trips over a barrel into a vat of wine and they all laugh. The girl too.

I can see Taryn and Locke talking closely in the dark, and I wonder aloud if I should worry about those two.

Cardan makes a noise and I turn to see that he's lead us into a private spot, away from onlookers. He unclasps his cloak and has it pool around him as he sits. His ruffled white shirt and fancy breeches make me feel underdressed until I see one of his kind walk around naked. I reluctantly sit next to him.

"You shouldn't worry about those two. They've been seeing each other for weeks now."

My eyebrows raise and he is surprised by my reaction.

"You didn't know?" I shake my head, "They put on a good show. But tonight is the first night she comes here."

"So you two weren't looking for Vivi, you were waiting for us." Theres something strange in my voice, and I look down at my bitten finger. A long time ago I had followed Vivi into the forest, she had something to show me. It was a gathering quite not like this but just as lively. I got lost and people had fed me food and drink, they made me dance until I cried for them to make me stop. I had begged one of them to let me go and I said I'd give them anything. They did, but I paid dearly. I smooth my finger over the nub. When people ask me about it, I make up a story so they'll let me go.

I tell Cardan this, I explain that's why I'm wary of them. When he had told me that he had been watching, i had always assumed it was that thing that had bitten me that day. I had been afraid it had come back.

"--To finish me off." I add and Cardan grabs my hand to examine it. He presses the nub to his lips and then uses it to cradle his face.

"I would never do that."

"What's a promise from the folk." I smile and shrug. I fight the tears that threaten to come and look up at the stars instead.

" I promise to never do that. To never let them do that."

I look at Cardan with a humorless smile, "As much as I want to believe that. What would you get in return?"

Cardan's voice comes out breathless," What would I get?" He pauses as he gazes at me, he leans in closer. "Would you let me see you again? More often."

"This close?" I tease but he nods.

"Of course. Will you let me continue visiting you Jude Duarte? Would you let me come to your window at night and wisk you away to my world. Only for a bit."

"How do I know you don't go around promising others the same thing?"

Cardan's lips tilt a little, "You don't. You're just going to have to trust me."

I tense, "I'd be a fool to trust you so easily, give me your word. Prince."

He stills for a second.

"I, Cardan Greenbriar, give Jude Duarte my word to never harm her nor let any other folk in and out of my court to do so either. May you always have my protection." And he kisses my finger and then my palm and I feel this cool breeze sink into my veins. Knowing full well that it worked. "Now it's your turn."

"My turn?" I ask, eyebrows up yet again. Cardan nods for me to give my end of the bargain.

" Okay," I clear my throat and sit up tall, pivoting my body to face his," I, Jude Duarte, give Cardan Greenbriar my word and permission to visit me more often. But not just in the forest. Wherever we like, as long as I agree to the terms. And you have to walk me home if you're going to be in the forest. No more stalking." I quickly add.

Cardan frowns, "Jude, I would hardly call that stalking. You're not my prey you know." I shiver at his words.

"Well, where I come from it's called stalking. I used to have this boy follow me to all my classes at school. Eventually, I had to break his nose to get him to stop. Vivi had to come in and fix the whole thing." I wave off.

Cardan's expression darkens, "That serious?"

"Yeah. He didn't have my permission to do so. You do now, I guess." I wink at him and he actually laughs.

"I'm honored."

"You should be." I say and look at the revelers having their party then back at Cardan.

"Can I visit you when you have your friends?"

"You mean like a party? Like this," I gesture and he nods," I believe it falls with in the lines of our verbal contract. You can even come to some of my lacrosse games when we play home if you'd like. But you might want to look a little but different." I wave at his clothes and otherness and he frowns.

"You're very distracting and I would need for you to blend in. For your own protection of course." I clear my throat and he laughs at my expression.

"Do you find me distracting Jude?" Cardan asks and I cant help but look at his lips as he leans in.

To both of our surprise I lean in closer and say, "Very."

I crush my lips to his and I'm surprised to see how hesitant they are. At first. Then a second later we're kissing back with same intensity and I forget about the party and the people who are and aren't human. All I know is that Cardan is kissing me right now as if I might disappear tomorrow and never come back. I'm not entirely sure that he's wrong.

[zoeygreensimblr]

I Forgot the you Existed

On Thursday morning we had another appointment with Candice at the medical centre in Brindleton Bay, she did a scan and assured us that everything was looking good.

"Welcome to week 6 of your pregnancy Zoey, you're officially half way through the first trimester, have you noticed any weird cravings or that you've developed a higher sex drive due to those hormones kicking in?" She questioned me and I smiled, looking up at Angus

"Well I do find that I want to be intimate a lot more" I laugh, I had no idea it was due to the hormones

"I'm not complaining Princess" Angus say, taking my hand and giving it a squeeze

"You'll feel a whole range of emotions while pregnant, you will get angry over the smallest things, things that you would normally think were petty but just know that it's your hormones running the show and you remember that too Dad, that when she cries or lashes out that she just needs love and understanding" Candice informs us

"And ice cream" I add on, looking up at Angus and caressing his face, he just smiles brightly at me

"I'll get you some ice cream to go with the love and understanding baby girl" He promises me before turning his attention back to Candice, "Is there anything we should be doing to maintain a safe pregnancy? I know the risks are higher with multiple births". I look up at him scared, he had never spoken to me about his concerns.

"I'll give you a lists of foods to avoid, of course alcohol and smoking are the biggest things you wanna avoid but Zoey already said she's a non smoker, living in a non smoker house and that she's cut out alcohol from the moment she found out she was pregnant. Being pregnant with multiple babies could mean it does put a heavier strain on the body, she will be bigger than a one child pregnancy, she will become more tired and she could go into labour a lot sooner than her due date but we will monitor you Zoey, weekly and right now it looks like you're doing everything right" Candice explains, smiling warmly at us

"What about doing exercise?" I ask her, I know I beginning to become more exhausted more easily, I struggled with our session on Wednesday and it was just spin class

"Don't push yourself, running is alright at a reasonable pace but nothing where you put pressure on your stomach, no heavy lifting" She says, printing out the information about what foods to avoid and what ones to no increase my intake of, I see soft cheese is on the list and feel a little disappointed, I love cheese.

After we finished our appointment I approached the reception desk to enquire if Liam was working that day

"Dr Green is with a patient right now but has lunch after" Eliza informed us

"Can You ask him to meet us at the cafe across the road once he's free?" I asked and she nodded, theres no way after last week that she doesn't know he's my father.

Angus and I wait nervously at the cafe, he orders us food as well as a peppermint tea for me and a coffee for himself. We are not waiting long when we see Liam walk through the door, approaching our table, I can see on his face that he is also nervous

"Eliza gave me a message that you wanted to meet me here Zoey" He says, standing at our table

"I want to talk, I'm willing to hear your side of things but I'm warning you now, I don't want to be fucked around, if you lie to me then I will leave" I warn him. He takes a seat as the waitress delivers our food and drinks and he places an order of his own.

"I have nothing left to lose Zoey so I want to be as honest as I can with you and your boyfriend, I'm assuming" Liam says, holding out his hand to Angus

"Fiancé" Angus corrects him, shaking his hand, "I'm Angus" He introduces himself.

"Oh wow, Zoey, you're engaged?" Liam remarks, looking at the ring on my finger, "And you two are expecting or trying to fall pregnant?"

"We are expecting, twins actually" Angus answers him, "Zoey is 6 weeks along but we we've been engaged since before we found out so I'm not just marrying Zoey because I got her pregnant, I love her, we love each other and I've  wanted to make her my wife since I met her, I knew I had found the woman I wanted to be with" Angus rambles on, nervously trying to prove to Liam that he is good enough for me and I hold his hand to try and ease those nerves. My relationship with Angus has nothing to do with Liam and Angus has nothing to prove to him.

"Why did you cheat on my Mother?" I ask Liam, not wanting to drag this out anymore. He looks at me with shame in his eyes.

"Your Mother, Ruth, was 19 when she discovered she was pregnant, I was 25, we hadn't been together long either, I was in my intern year at the hospital and Ruth was a nursing student who was doing on the job work experience once a day, weekly. She was sweet and shy and we would go on coffee dates and talk about the hospital staff. I'd been dating her 3 months when she told me she was pregnant with you and your sister, Teresa" He explain

"Tess, she likes to be called Tess" I tell him and he nods

"After you were born I devoted my life to you girls, whatever you wanted, you were so cute, I'd read you stories at bedtime, I remember you Zoey loved the stories about ponies the most, you had a massive My Little Pony collection that you displayed in front of your books and Ter-, sorry, Tess, loved to colour in all the time so I would find her these fun colouring in books but being a doctor meant I wasn't around a lot and it caused problems, between Ruth and I, we started to fight a lot and by the time I started working at the clinic Ruth and I were only staying together for you girls, so you could grow up in a two parent home, it's what your mother wanted so badly for you." He says looking down at the coffee that the waitress had not long placed in front of him.

"But even if you and Ruth split up, I still don't understand why she would stop you from seeing your daughters, I know Ruth, pretty well in fact and she doesn't strike me as the type to just cut the father of her children out of their lives for no reason" Angus points out, urging Liam to give us the full story

"She had her reasons and it wasn't because I cheated either, Eliza is my sister-in-law, not my wife, she married my brother Patrick and they had two beautiful daughters together." Liam clears up, "I had an accident one night, coming home from work, you were around 7 or 8 Zoey so you probably don't remember this but I was badly injured, I couldn't walk for a while and I was prescribed heavy pain killers to try and ease the pain"

"What's this got to do with why you left us?" I ask him, confused

"I became dependant on those pain killers, addicted and when the doctor I was seeing stopped prescribing them I started forging my own prescription, I felt I needed them, long after the pain had gone, they made me happy, like I wasn't coming home to a woman who resented me and two children who had no idea who I was because of the long hours I worked. Eventually I hit rock bottom, I was erratic and had major anger issues and would lash out at Ruth, I did abuse her once, only once but  it was the final straw for your mother, she had had enough and she took you and your sister and banned me from seeing you, it was Don who paid for her court cost and he would push for drug testing, which I failed once and never got a second chance. I never wanted to lose my girls, I loved you and Tess so much, please believe me" He breaks down and I can see the honesty on his face, I reach out and take his hand to let him know that I believe him.

"Thank you for being honest, it's a lot to take in" I tell Liam, "I'm glad we were able to talk though"

"I'd like to get to know you Zoey, Tess too, I know I've lost so much time but I thought about you and your sister every day, wondering who you would grow into, you look exactly like your Mother when she was your age, you even have her voice" Liam tells me, sorrow in his eyes, "I've been sober for 7 years now, been to rehab twice and attend weekly meetings for addicts because that's what I am, an addict and I will always be an addict but I've turned my life around and I would love to know my daughters"

"How about we meet here every Thursday, after our appointment and we can just talk?" I offer and he smiles at me like I've just handing him his world back, "I cant make any promises for Tess though and I wont have you speaking poorly of Mum or Don, regardless of what happened" I warn him and he nods.

"I'd also like to get to know you too Gus, if that's ok" Liam says to Angus

"He hates being called Gus" I tell Liam

"Zoey, it's fine" Angus says to me, he doesn't want to cause trouble

"I'm so sorry, I know how that feels too, I hate when people call me William or Bill, being that Liam is Irish for William" Liam apologises to Angus and Angus smiles politely and nods, he gets it.

"Well Zo and I have been together since June last year, she blew me away the first time that I met her, she's funny and intelligent and has a heart of gold and I love her with all of my own" Angus gushes and I blush a little.

"How did you two meet?" Liam asks us, smiling brightly

"I met Angus at the gym that he owns and operates in San Myshuno, he is my personal trainer. We started dating not long after we met" I explain, squeezing Angus' hand 3 times, I love my boy and I proudly talk him up

"And you treat my daughter well I hope?" Liam asks Angus, sternly

"She's my Princess, I'll always put her first, well her and our children. I am sorry that I yelled at you last week but protecting Zoey is my number one priority" Angus replies, looking at me with admiration, "She's my world and I love her"

We end our catch up with Liam, making plans to meet at the same time next Thursday, I even hugged him before we left. We walked back to the parking garage under the clinic, Angus begins driving towards the city and I cant understand why.

"You realise you're going the wrong way right?" I laugh at him

"Am I though? Isn't the city where they keep the best formal dresses?" He asks me, without any further explanation.

"The formal was months ago Angus, remember, you took me and we danced together and had such a grand night?" I question him, he's acting very odd.

"I do remember taking you to the formal but I also remember afterwards at the apartment and how I ruined your perfect night and I just found out this morning that I've been nominated for business person of the year, for last year and that the awards ceremony is this Saturday night and my Princess will need a new formal dress and shoes and will have to make an appointment to get her hair done because baby it's formal and you're going to be my date and this time I'm going to be doing everything right, including ending the night with my girl, kissing her lips and telling her how much I love her" He gushes

"Oh wow, I'm so proud of you baby, my man, business person of the year" I say, getting excited

"It's just a nomination baby, I was up for it last year too but didn't win so I don't have high hopes of winning this year either but I couldn't turn down an opportunity to see you in a a beautiful dress and being able to dance with you, also Tess, Brian, Annabelle and Steph will be there too so it wont be as boring as last years ceremony where I got sat with all these CEO pricks who talked about how great their golf game was and how much money they earn" He explains, taking my hand and kissing it.

We parked in the garage under the apartment complex and walked to CAS formal, I started browsing through the dresses but began to become dishearten when I realised I no longer fit into any dresses, my size had gone up and I felt so frumpy.

"I'm so fat, nothing is going to look good on me" I complained, "Maybe I should just stay home, you don't want your fat fiancé in pictures with you when you win." Angus pulls me back from the dress, leaning down, looking in my eyes with a stern expression.

"You are not fat Zoey and I don't want to hear you  refer to yourself as fat ever again, you're fucking gorgeous and I want you by my side forever" He tells me before kissing my forehead, "I love these changes in your body, the beautiful glow in your skin and the luscious curves." He boosts my confidence.

"You say this now but wait until I'm five times this size and can no longer fit into anything" I point out

"So you're telling me you will be naked?" He jokes, trying to lift my spirits and I cant help but giggle

"Naked and on bed ridden" I add

"Now you're just teasing me Princess, bring it on" He smiles brightly at me, "But for now I want you to pick out a dress that makes you feel sexy, not for me but for you because I want my girl to feel good about herself" He tells me, leading me back over to the racks of dresses, "And Zoey, for once in your life don't give a fuck what anyone else will think, if you feel comfortable then that's all that matters. I'll leave you to it, I'm going to pop into another store down the road, get my Princess a special surprise" He kisses me on the cheek and leaves me to browse, I look through all sort of dresses, some long and elegant, others short, cocktail dresses, strapless, halter neck, off the shoulder sleeves, satin, silky, sheer in an array of colours and then I found an amazing dress, red, long, sexy and fit me like a glove without drawing attention to my ever-growing bump. I paid for my dress just as Angus came back into the store, carrying a black, paper bag.

"What's in the bag?" I ask him, trying to sneak a peek but he hides it from view.

"I got you a few things, one of which you will get tomorrow night and the other you will receive on Saturday, after the ceremony." He tells me, "I also booked us a room at the hotel where the ceremony is taking place, I thought you may enjoy a night away in a fancy hotel instead of coming all the way home to Brindleton Bay "

"You spoil me way too much my gorgeous honey bear" I tell him, kissing him softly

"Well deserved I assure you Princess" He says, taking my hand and walking me back to the car.

****What are your thoughts on Zoey's father?****

****What do you think Angus bought Zoey?*****

[kim-hart]

having @clementinemillay come visit me for the first time is the best thing thats ever happened to me

i was across the country for the last 7 weeks. it wasnt my idea and it was something i just sort of went along with, and all in all i wasnt happy with family who were all years and years older than me and ignorant despite meaning well. the redeeming thing, the thing i was looking forward to the most, was taty coming to see me. it was just 1 week out of those 7 weeks but it easily made all of it worth it, even if having this experience now means that it hurts that much more to be away from her. knowing what touching her and kissing her and sleeping next to her feels like makes not having those things hurt that much more.

i remember when we were on our way to pick her up from the airport. im good at compartmentalizing—i didnt think about what was about to happen until we were actually IN the airport, until i was sitting down and it felt like just a minute was taking forever. in my mind, i knew it could all go wrong. ive never been comfortable with the way i look, im WILDLY socially inept, and i worried about how underwhelming i would be for her and whether she would regret coming. my mom and my aunt were with me.

we had been dating for years. we had fought and made up loads of times. meeting her then felt like something that could ruin everything, like if this first impression didnt go exactly the way i wanted it to and i didnt sweep her off her feet, she would stop wanting to be with me.

only this wasnt my first impression. seeing me didnt ruin any feelings.

seeing her smile for the first time when she saw me is something ill never forget, or the way she hugged me or the way i dragged her away to find her luggage to get away from my family so i could process her being there, in front of me, without worrying about being judged or made fun of for showing positive feeling. for showing how much i love someone. i was nervous and she knew it but she didnt push. i stumbled over my words, i had a hard time looking her in the eye, and affection made me freeze up. i wasnt used to it. i was so starved for it that i didnt know what to do but she was patient.

so she bumped me. and she kept bumping me. and she smiled at me and held my hand and waited while i realized that it was okay to show how happy i was that she was there. that it was okay to be genuine. not everything needed an extra layer of sarcasm with her. things were real. i trusted her, so much so that when my social anxiety got the best of me and i wheeled her suitcase over a guy's foot that wouldnt move, i laughed about it with her.

on the way home, my heart wouldnt stop pounding. she put her hat on me. she held my hand and mouthed i love you to me whenever she could. i couldnt even look at her half the time because i would start smiling and i didnt want to see a cringe (a cringe that never happened and never would happen) when i smiled. when we got back to the house, i brought her upstairs to the room we were going to share.

she kissed me and i didnt freeze up. i had never been happier. i never wanted to leave that room.

we eventually did so everyone else could meet her, and then inevitably get dragged away by my mom to do whatever she wanted to do, namely hang out with a friend (and multiple other people that none of us knew would be there). despite needing rest, taty went along with it. i regret not saying no then. i would have taken any time i could get just relaxing with her.

the entire time i was across the country, i was still working. i had always thought that working with her around would be too distracting, that when we do ultimately live together, i would get the most done when shes not around. while she was a distraction in the sense that i couldnt stop looking at her, she was an easy distraction. the kind where shes so beautiful, i cant stop myself from looking over at her every 10 minutes before i get back to work. it turned out to be more of a distraction when she wasnt there. there wasnt content silence anymore then. it was just me again.

one thing about me—i hate eating and making food with other people around. i didnt even think twice when it came to eating food and making food for the both of us. i loved sharing hashbrowns with her. i loved pretending to gag when she would eat something i wouldnt like. i loved turning my head away because i had just eaten chicken and she was going in to kiss me. i loved her kissing me despite that. i loved the fact that she liked my favourite gum enough to take a piece whenever i had one. i loved that she liked my favourite juice. i love sharing a can of pepsi with her.

falling asleep with her was an incredible experience. the way things were before, it was me falling asleep hours and hours after her. my body and my mind both hate being asleep so i fight it as long as i can, like not staying up when everyone is asleep and i can finally have alone time is wasting valuable time. with her laying in bed next to me, there wasnt a single night i didnt fall asleep first. i was always holding her (except one night where i fell asleep before i could, but i made sure she knew to wake me up next time). she says it was a comfort to her but it was a comfort to me too—holding onto someone who was mine, feeling the love of my life breathe... even waking up with a mouthful of her hair when i wasnt waking up to a faceful of her elbow. i couldnt dream of being anywhere else. i still cant. laying my head on her chest while she watched something was just as comforting. listening to someone's heart has always sounded so, so cheesy to me but its just as incredible as people say it is. the best part is when it beats faster, then even faster after you point it out.

the only thing better than falling asleep with taty was waking up to her. it was always me waking up first, not just because it was me falling asleep first but because my body is usually pretty good about keeping up a schedule when theres other people around expecting you to be up. the hardest thing to do was peel myself away from her. the first couple of mornings, i let her sleep. she needed the rest and i needed to work. after that though, i got greedy—i wanted to make sure she knew i loved her, that i wasnt just leaving her by herself in bed because i wanted to. i wanted to see that smile and hear that voice and ultimately get sidetracked for a good half an hour at least before i could pull myself away. i wanted more than anything to be by her side the whole time, even if i knew it wouldnt be long before she joined me at the table.

i loved the way she looked out for me. i loved looking out for her. i loved getting to know every single part of her. i loved making her laugh and making her relax and i cant imagine doing that with anyone else but her for the rest of my life. shes my best friend and my world. every happy moment i had in that week with her is whats hitting me hard right now. im back in my home, all the way on the other side of the continent from her, and all i can think about is having her wrapped up in my arms again. she left her sweater for me and it smells like her, and its the most comforting thing i have... but the fact that thats going to go away, that its just gonna smell like me after a while puts a damper on it.

no matter how i feel right now, it was all worth it. the point im trying to make is that a week was by far not enough time.

no amount of time is ever enough when it comes to her.

ive never met someone more supportive, more kind, more compassionate, and more understanding than her. ive never relaxed so quickly and so easily with someone before. ive never had someone shatter every idea i had that no one would want me, that no one would get it, that no one would want any sort of affection from me.

ive never been more confident in something/someone before in my life. ive never so genuinely wanted to spend time with someone before. its unreal how her presence never pressured me into doing anything, that i was at ease doing what i wanted to do instead of doing what i thought someone else wanted me to do.

there isnt much of a point to this besides trying to put into words how much i love and appreciate my girlfriend and the feelings she can bring out in me. ill actually be moving across the country in a few months, so thats one step closer to being closer to her.

[spin-birdie]

who wants to have a DREADFUL time

you hear that? its the sound of me crackin my bones and blowing dust off my keyboard in preparation of posting Cringe Fics From My Fail Brain

word count: 2140

pairings: n/a

rating: explicit

additional tags: i refuse to categorise them again. phoenix gets a tentacle dildo as a joke christmas gift and then he uses it. this doesnt deserve additional tags. except for crack treated seriously. also theres a bit of choking so give this a miss if youre not into that

its under the cut but you can just read it on ao3 here

At first glance, Phoenix has no idea what he’s holding. Everyone else in the room is silent for a moment as he turns the object around in his hand, perplexed. Then three things happen in rapid succession; first, Larry laughs so sharply it sounds like he’s going to pass out from the force. Then everyone else in the room erupts into shocked laughter. Finally, Phoenix realises Larry gave him a fucking dildo for Christmas.

He drops it back into the box it came in with an indignant shout, like even touching the thing had burned his soul. He glares at Larry, who’s leaning on the arm of the couch in a futile attempt to stay upright. His laughter has dissolved into coughing and wheezing. Everyone else seems to be in a similar state, either cackling so hard they’re about to fall over or exchanging stunned, silent glances with each other.

Phoenix isn’t sure why he expected anything else from a frat house full of drunk college students.

He glances back down at the box in his lap. Then he looks back up. Then he remembers it’s been a while since he’s said anything and everyone’s still looking in his general direction. “Larry, what-- why?!”

The embarrassment in his voice just makes Larry laugh harder. The poor idiot’s face is so red Phoenix thinks for a moment he’s actually going to collapse and die right there. At this moment, he’d probably be okay with that.

Larry composes himself just enough to say something like, “You keep talking about how lonely you are, so I figured…” before breaking down again. “Ev-Everyone else got a legit gift and a joke gift, so like…”

“Huh? A joke--? This thing’s the size of my arm, Larry!”

Another bout of giggles fills the room. Phoenix can feel the tips of his ears burning. Forget Larry, at this point he’d welcome it if death wanted to claim him right this second.

He buries his face in his hands, staring down at the incriminating object between the cracks in his fingers. It looks well-made, and that might be the worst part, if only because it implies Larry spent a lot of money on a fucking prank gift. There’s a nearly metallic-looking sheen to the thing, and the swirling sandy/aqua pattern reminds Phoenix of the ocean, to his chagrin. But those traits are more or less overshadowed by the fact that it’s a fantastically crafted dildo shaped like a fucking tentacle that’s as wide as a soda can at its base and about twice as tall. Phoenix has so many more questions about this thing, but he’s sure the answers would only leave him with questions he doesn’t want answers to.

Someone else starts tearing open a present, and the crowd’s attention turns to her. Phoenix doesn’t pay as much attention as he should.

Let it go. It’s just a prank gift, Phoenix tells himself. No one expects him to use the thing. It’s that simple.

---

It should be that simple. But it’s been about a week since that party and Phoenix keeps thinking about the blue tentacle-shaped sex toy taking up space in his closet.

He looks up the price at some point, just out of curiosity. It’s fairly easy to find the online store it was bought from; the box was open when Phoenix unwrapped it, but the packaging inside was mostly intact, and there was a care guide with the store’s logo on it to boot.

He balks when he sees the base price listed as somewhere around $55, but then he realises it costs even more to increase the size. If Phoenix had to guess, Larry spent at least $100 on this thing, probably more with tax and shipping costs.

Upwards of $100 on a stupid prank gift. Sounds like a thing Larry would do.

Phoenix should probably close the tab right there, but for whatever reason, he doesn’t. He hits the back button and scrolls down the store page a little more and sees a lot of products that make even the tentacle thing look fairly tame in comparison. He knows he’s blushing harder the longer he stays on the site, and keeps thinking ‘holy shit, I didn’t really want to know that was a kink that exists’ or ‘how is that even remotely pleasurable?’ every few minutes, but he still doesn’t click off until he’s hit the bottom of the page. If anyone asks, he’ll just chalk it up to morbid curiosity.

Of course that explanation doesn’t hold up so well an hour later when Phoenix is jerking himself off in the shower, but no one needs to know about that.

---

Two weeks after the party, Phoenix takes the box out of his closet.

He almost thinks about opening it about a dozen times, but always remembers at the last moment about some chore that needs doing, or some file he needs to fill out, or that email he’s waiting for that definitely hasn’t come in the last three minutes but surely it can’t hurt to check again anyway. He knows he’s stalling. He can’t be bothered stopping himself.

Ultimately he ends up taking a shower to calm down and prepare himself for what he’s inevitably going to do this evening. It’s fine, he thinks to himself. It was an expensive gift, after all. It’d be a shame to spend that much money on something that’s going to stay in his closet forever, so why not use it just once?

Lord, Phoenix is so fucked. A statement that will be very, very literal within the hour. God.

There’s about an hour gap between Phoenix taking the box out and actually opening it. After that, he’s pretty sure he takes another ten minutes to undress since he’s too busy staring at the dildo like it’s betrayed him somehow.

At long last, he actually picks the cursed thing up for the first time in two weeks. It’s heavy and firm, yet there’s some give to it. He wraps both hands around the shaft, and there’s a good inch or so he can’t even reach and he can feel the unfamiliar texture of the suckers beneath his hands and he suddenly feels even more daunted than he was before, if that’s even possible.

Before he really knows what he’s doing, he brings the tip up to his lips and lets it rest inside his mouth. It’s warmer than Phoenix expects, the weight against his tongue unusually comforting. He can feel the suckers lining the underside of the tentacle, the silicone yielding when he presses his teeth against it lightly. A low, needy sound escapes him and he pulls his mouth away. There’s an unpleasantly clinical aftertaste, which is the only thing that reminds Phoenix he should probably wash the damn thing before doing anything else with it.

(Washing it does give him a chance to get more acclimated to the texture, even if he can’t stop thinking about what it will feel like inside him.)

He’s not sure how long he’s been at half-mast, but once he’s lying in bed and actually takes himself in hand he’s completely hard and leaking precum in a matter of minutes. Fortunately, he’s a little too far gone to be embarrassed about it. He gets worryingly close to the edge before he remembers his real goal and moves his hand up to rest on his stomach instead. He looks down at the toy next to him and swallows thickly.

No turning back now.

He’s not sure how much lube to use on a toy with this much texture, so he uses more than what’s probably necessary. He spreads his legs, starts stroking himself slowly and takes a sharp breath when the tip of the toy nudges his perineum before settling in front of his entrance.

The toy slips in with less resistance than Phoenix expects, though he’s still glad he prepped in the shower earlier. He shivers, bearing down against it as it fills him up. At first it doesn’t feel like much; not bad, not mindblowing. It does remind Phoenix how long it’s been since he had anything to fill him besides his fingers and the one vibrator he lost the remote for.

A little more of the toy slides in, and Phoenix’s breath catches when he feels the suckers. He swears they feel even more pronounced than they did before. Phoenix clenches around the dildo, squeezes his own dick, tries to remember how to breathe evenly. He doesn’t know how full he actually is. He’s certain he’s not going to take the whole thing because that would be really fucking ambitious even for him, but…

He adjusts his grip on the dildo, pulls it out a bit, pushes it back in even further--

“Oh-- Fuck--!”

He knew there was a bit of a curve to it, but christ does it make a difference when he changes the angle and the tip of the tentacle nudges against his prostate a bit too hard and it feels like someone just set off a firecracker behind his navel and it’s just on the wrong side of painful. He has to stop and breathe again before he chases the feeling.

Before he knows it he’s rocking his hips until he finds the angle again and the tip catches his prostate again and it’s uncomfortable for a few seconds and then it’s not and, and…

Phoenix keens high in the back of his throat, throwing his head back against his pillow in a needless effort to muffle himself. It’s almost scary how fast he starts to unravel after that. His legs shake uncontrollably, he’s rocking against the toy, losing himself to the delicious pressure against his prostate and the sensation of being filled up more and more, and every time he remembers he’s fucking himself on a fucking tentacle he almost breaks apart entirely. The hand that isn’t guiding the toy around can’t stay still, moving to wrap around Phoenix’s straining cock or dig into the sheets beside his head or press down on his stomach or flick across his nipples.

It’s so much. It’s almost too much but Phoenix would rather die than stop moving. He’s not sure how much of the tentacle has worked its way inside him. His whole body trembles at the thought. He knows he’s panting at this point, vaguely aware he’s whispering to himself, but fuck if he has a clue what he’s actually saying.

He thinks he’s close. Scratch that, he’s very fucking close all of a sudden; it’s like a switch was flipped and Phoenix is hyper-aware of his body. The mounting pressure just under his navel, the ache in his legs from being tense for so long, the pain in his wrist. His body feels like a live wire. He just needs one more push and he’ll fall off the edge completely.

Phoenix lets go of the toy with a sigh, pushes himself further up the bed. He cants his hips until he feels the tentacle shift inside him just hard enough that he throws his head back with a gasp.

He’s not quite riding it, and it’s a little harder to keep a steady pace from this angle, but it leaves both his hands free. He reaches for himself again and strokes himself hard and slow, squeezing the head on every upstroke in that way that leaves him gasping for breath. His other hand rests against his throat, fingers pressing against the arteries on either side until he’s even more lightheaded.

His tongue feels heavy and useless, his entire body is convulsing, right there on the precipice and it’s too much, not enough, too much, too good--

He thinks he might actually die when he comes. It’s hard to say. It’s one of those full-body orgasms; something that saps all the energy out of him and concentrates it into raw pleasure that spreads through every inch of his body until he’s left boneless, exhausted, and pleasantly numb.

Phoenix barely moves for the next few minutes. It’s all he can do to lie still and catch his breath as he winds down from easily the biggest orgasm he’s had in months.

When he does try to move, he realises with a start the dildo is inside him, nestled against his prostate and abrading his raw nerves as cum dries on his chest and stomach. He shivers with a near-silent moan as he pulls the toy out, leaving him empty and wanting.

He tosses the dildo aside and lies back against the bed with a groan. He knows he needs to clean up sooner or later…but there’s no reason it can’t be later.

Phoenix would never admit it to a single living soul, but he thinks he’s just found a new favorite toy.

[lisacim]

Literally how I became happy.

A lot of you guys are always concerned about me because the more that I share, the more you realize I'm a real person with struggles and issues and I'm not 100% okay 100% of the time haha so I just wanna give an update and share some insight on how I've been doing and what I've been working on. The hair cut is the visible part. The change is sooooo real. I look like a different person but I seriously FEEL like one. Surface changes: I live in Tennessee. I have short blonde hair. I've now dated two guys that I actually loved. I own a house and a car. Before, I lived in California, I had freaking long brown hair, I shared a mini van with four other people, I'd never been on a date and truly questioned whether I'd ever meet anyone that liked me for who I was, I had no idea what I wanted to do with my life past like two years into the future and I felt like I would live with my parents forever. So a lot of big things have changed but honestly the biggest changes happened inside with less visible results. You can only see it in my smile and hear it in my words. But really you'll see it in my actions over the next 12 months. It's just the beginning. I honestly don't know where it came from. The last six years I have been so passive. My life has been happening to me. There have been some breakthrough moments where I learned a lot about myself and my confidence and self love, yes. I had some good times for sure. But as far as knowing what I want and where I wanna go, I was not good at that. I felt SO powerless and began to withdraw more and more, in my friendships, my career, our band, my family, everything. I shared so little each day, I had so few ideas, I didn't create much, I only wrote when I was really upset or inspired (which wasn't that often), I had no social life, no vision for myself, no confidence that anyone would ever love me and I just wasn't living a rich life at all. I was an observer hoping that one day someone or something would come along and make my life actually enjoyable. I was constantly waiting. I journaled a lot and released a lot of emotion, that part was good. I just felt like I was living in a cave, stuck in the past, not doing much each day to actually experience life. Then we moved across the country. *shock* *panic* *whoa*. That was the first time I was really shaken up. Then I had my heart broken. Twice. I fell in love and both times it didn't work out. I NEEDED that, to meet people who actually got me and appreciated my personality and loved all my quirks and my strange mind and how childlike I am. For the first time I felt understood. I wouldn't change a thing. I was so closed off for so long and suddenly I was ripped open. Someone was asking for my time and attention and I had to give it to them. I was so scared but I really wanted to experience that side of life so I had to let those people see me and experience who I was. It was so good for me omg. I felt like my heart was shriveled and frozen before that, it had seen the sun maybe three times, but once that happened it absolutely bloomed. Not everyone has to fall in love to open their heart but for me that's how it happened. Anyway it was really intense and pushed me to the edge, dealing with that loss. I cut off all my hair. I just had enough. I was so drained. I had felt so vulnerable throughout my dating experiences, such a long period of trusting and hoping after so many years of doing the opposite, I guess I became a little over exposed. I pictured myself feeling tough and strong after a particularly intense weekend of fighting and I saw myself with no hair. It was kind of a crazy idea at first but it turned into a real desire. After a few days of thinking it over, I took the plunge. What. A. Rush. Suddenly I just wanted to feel alive. I went a little overboard but I did so many things. Concerts, road trips, bonfires, social plans nonstop, shopping, reinventing my style... I was really hurting during this time and I just wanted to feel better. I don't regret doing so much but I'm glad I came down after a month and examined myself. I realized how much I was hurting and I faced it. I felt scared, hurt, abandoned, broken and vulnerable but it was comforting to identify that. Once you face it, you can feel it, release it and eventually let it go. In October I realized I wanted more. I actually had dreams. Cutting my hair showed me I could have an idea, see it through and that it could actually go well! I wanted that on a bigger scale. I started writing again, all the time. I took an interest in my appearance again. Before, I just wanted people to think I'm pretty. Of course I still do but now it's so much more than that. It actually is for me. When my outfit/makeup/overall look matches my mood, I feel so much more confident, comfortable with myself and ready to take on the day. Even in my work out clothes, I always try to coordinate them now and make them feel good because I know I just do more with my day when I feel confident and ready to put myself out there. You don't need to look perfect AT ALL, in fact sometimes that can cause more stress because it puts more pressure on you. Just take the time to put yourself together and feel GOOD about what you're wearing each day. It seriously makes a huge difference. And especially DO NOT wear anything that makes you feel bad. GET RID OF IT!!!! All your clothes should make you feel cute in some way. Idk how this happened but I kind of just realized nothing is a big deal. The way I used to live, EVERYTHING was a HUGE deal. Texting a guy? Leaving the house? Spending 30 dollars? Calling someone first? All terrifying things I dreaded and avoided at all costs. I had to work through so much INTENSE anxiety when I first started dating, it was really sad how much that freaked me out and how much I had to work through just to get to a point where I felt comfortable going on one date or being the object of a man's attention. I felt so incredibly unworthy. Anyway, maybe it was the hair cut but sometime around then I just became really bold. Right now I feel like almost nothing scares me. My biggest fear is probably trusting people that have hurt me. That's one thing I can think of that I'm struggling with and truly terrifies me, trying to rebuild broken relationships. I'm having help working through that. Other than that, there are so few things I won't try, won't pursue, won't say to someone. I am becoming more bold, confident, comfortable in my own skin and sure of myself with each passing second. I just feel GOOD. Nothing is that big of a deal! Seriously force yourself to take more risks and you'll quickly understand what I mean. You can spend weeks, months, even years fearing things and trying to predict what will happen but once you finally do them you'll see just how unnecessary all that stress was. Nothing is that hard, that daunting, that permanent. Heck, even tattoos can be removed these days. I think that was the biggest change of all so far: the removal of fear. Fear used to be the gas in my tank, it absolutely fueled me. Now it's faith. I am so ON FIRE for my life!!!!!! I have so many exciting dreams I want to pursue, so much I want to create, so many places I want to go, things I want to experience, learn, master, people I want to meet and be around..... I love it all. I decide what I want and I go after it. I look at myself in the mirror and I smile. I'm starting to look as bold and unique as I feel. The long hair was beautiful and fun and maybe one day I'll want it back but for now, it just feels too plain for how colorful and out of the box my mind is. I always used my mind a lot but I wasn't exploring it much before. Now that I'm embracing my unconventional brain, I just want to express that openness and share it with the world. Also I've noticed I'm getting disappointed comments from traditional, conformist men I never wanted to date anyway that used to love my hair 😂 so no offense but I was never interested in you anyway, there are soooooo many long haired women in the world you can comment on that you'll probably never even meet but i'm just one less you need to worry about hahaha. All of the bold men that liked me before just like me more now. And I think it's because I also like myself more! Confidence attracts confidence! I'm growing into the baller I was born to be and it's just helping me attract more ballers 😂😂 BTW THERES NOTHING WRONG WITH HAVING LONG HAIR OR A MORE SIMPLE STYLE I FULLY SUPPORT IT. YOU DONT HAVE TO LOOK LIKE A CRAZY PERSON OR LIVE A WILD UNCONVENTIONAL LIFE TO BALL OUT ON EVERYONE THATS JUST HOW I CHOOSE TO DO IT HAHA. EVERYONE IS A BALLER IN THEIR OWN WAY I EMBRACE AVERAGE LOOKING PEOPLE AND WILD LOOKING PEOPLE, AS LONG AS YOURE LIVING A LIFE YOU LOVE AND CHOOSING WHAT TRULY FULFILLS YOU!!!!!!!!!!! WHATEVER YOU CHOOSE JUST LIVE IT BECAUSE YOU LOVE IT 🙌🏼 Anyway, I feel so much more confident in myself, men or no men. It's funny cuz I finally stopped worrying about guys and now I actually interact with them the way I always wanted to hahaha. I no longer rely on the approval of others to get through the day. I no longer feel paralyzed by fear every morning and night. I no longer ponder whether I'm worthy of a date or not. I no longer look in the mirror and sigh. I no longer think of the future as a blurry grey blob filled with hopelessness, uncertainty and fear. I know it will be whatever I make it and I am going to make it freaking phenomenal. That's a huge key, putting YOURSELF in the drivers seat. Forget this message of victimization. You are the person holding yourself down but YOU can be the one to lift yourself up!!!! Wow I just got a huge craving for meat loaf and mashed potatoes. HAHAHA. Anyway, put yourself in control. Ask God for guidance. Trust that you are taken care of always because YOU ARE. Embrace yourself. Stop thinking you have to be perfect. Stop thinking you're unlovable. Realize how cool you are and how much you have going for yourself. Jump in and try things. Stop thinking you have to be "ready". THE LESSONS OF FAILURE ARE FAR MORE VALUABLE THAN THE PRIZES OF SUCCESS!!!!!!!!!!! On that note, go kill it. Embrace yourself. Blossom. Live. Come alive. You got this 👊🏼💗

[survivoratomic-acadia]

Confessionals!

Hi it is Olivia! So I don't have the gifs of this season or the player banners so this will be separated by day since I was just an intern and didn’t keep track of confessionals or what day it was when they were posted. Its just all of the confessionals for this season on one post. Sorry for the delay!

5/22

Tim

WHY ARENT I ON THE PRETTY TRIBE! I love Aren already he seems super fun and chill! Certain people... however make me wonder why they are all stars.. jk lmao Im here to have fun and do great!

Aren

Spoiler alert, the f3 is trixie/madison/aren!!!

QuilLynn

So its me, QuilLynn, Two-time winner, next first boot of atomic! I'm happy to be with Dana, but idk about the rest of tribe. I don't really click with anyone, so i'll probably just try to let dana have the social game and i'll just like cling to her coat tails until merge or a swap. I'm trying to be my catty self and form a pretty girls alliance with Dana and Sarah since we are all Iconic woman winners, but I know Sarah will be more loyal to dan, or I think it at least. I'll fill you in more later, gotta go mingle! <3 xoxo gossip ho

Stephen

Its what, one hour into the game and I already love sarah. i knew this season was going to be crazy, it is after all all-stars. So that means no inactives to vote out round one. Eek. So I’ve got to work fast to make those social connections and try and get myself a place in whatever majority forms if we lose immunity. Which we wont. I love creative writing, if we lose this because of my writing I might as well give up writing altogether.

Aundra

"THIS IS BRAZY!! Going into this im ""like Jesus do i want any IOS people in?"" ""theres going to be at least one, right?"" SIKE! THERES 3!! i cant deal im super excited that tim and heather are in the same game as me because they're great people Stephens also here which is awkward a little but i dont really feel like theres any bad blood between us, we've basically made up since IOS . ALSO IM ON A TRIBE BUILT MOSTLY FROM WINNERS. I really wanted to have some winners on my tribe that way i could have hopefully a built in alliance but all winners except one is on my tribe thats so much pressure. And unlike most games ive had a small convo with just about everyone on my tribe/ know them or i like them. this game is definitely going to be different experience and hopefully it will be a long and fulfilling im really looking forward to this season.

my game plan for right now is to get on the good side of all the people that haven't won a game yet and get the other winners out. target #1 QuilLynn SHE HAS WON TWICE. did they let sandra make it to merge?? NO do i want to go far with her in this game? NO is she probably a great person? MAYBE but i dont want to take chances and im gonna be pretty limited at the begging of this game so hopefully the will let me survive long enough to establish myself apart of this game.  

Hopefully this game is worth it and is as fun is it was last time even if like time i was sent into a depressive mode thanks pressure last time i think i can take it this time! lmao                                                                                                 xoxo, gossip girl "

5/23

Madison

TOO MANY PEOPLE I KNOW. TOO MANY PEOPLE THAT HATE ME. I’M GONNA DIE SO FAST. 

Dan

"So I like a lot of my tribemates which is cool because if I didn’t I would have quit night one and thrown all the rice in the fire. There’s a ton of Lago representation, which I’m not surprised about, but am v concerned about. It’s like when you were in like 7th grade and you had those friends you talked to every day and then summer came and y’all didnt talk for a while and you come back for 8th grade and things are chill and you catch up, but they still know you’re better than them in every way.

This first challenge is....a choice. I love Cameron with all of my heart normally, but this makes me only love him with my right atrium, so there’s that. I havent taken an English class since 12th grade so y’all know I’m basiclally illiterate now.

I’m just hoping for a cute little jury placement and play a more UTR Sammy-esque game this time around. I know that eventually the wheels will fall off of that plan and I’ll go into full on neurotic, here, queer, and not going anywheer mode where I win like 6 consecutive immunities, but for the mean time I’m goung to try to be diverse, and show I’m not a one trick homosexual. "

Sarah

"Hey so let me just tell yall im stoked for this season bc im back for ALL STARS!

First season winner and flop returning again.

I adore this cast and the fact that I have been put on a tribe with all the winners (except  luke) is amazing. we created a girl winner alliance right away with me, dana and quillynn. I adore them so much!

Also im connecting with stephen and i think he likes me! I will prob be able to control him a tiny bit this season so lets see how that goes :~)

I just want to let yall know there will rocks this season bc me and julia are back! Were not on the same tribe but i adore that bitch and shes just as equal craziness as me

So far i have connections af and i havent burned any bridges with the ppl in this game so im literally in love

Jay will probably want to get me out asap but fuck u im on my own tribe OK

Anyways just like s1 i have an alliance made almost immediately and i have connections!

Also i did the whole immunity so incase we lose they will feel guilty of voting me out WHHAAHAHAHHA

Anyways ill be back later with more news"

Aundra

"A tribe full of mostly winners.. in a way sounds ideal. It’s not the only person that’s attempt the first challenge is Sarah and Sammy helped out i wrote half of one which is better than I bet majority of team has done I highly doubt we’re going to win the challenge becaus Sarah’s story is not all that great it lacks anything it’s just boring but aleast she tried she put forth some effort toward the challenge and I honestly don’t want to go to a tribal that would be the worst also did I forget to mention that the idol system for this season is the exact same way as IOS which I suched and was probably the worst person in the moors of all time cannot l t me just make merge so I can have and isle of skye reunion with my main man tim cause I really need someone that would be my ride or die and I wouldn’t have to worry about betraying me

Also I QuilLynn is a really cool person it would be hard to vote them out ( I think that’s there pronoun caus ewhen we were talking she started using we and what not so I’m gonna call her they/them for now on) and Duncan obviously did some sorta research on the cast cause he came at me with basically my whole tumblr survivor history. I gotta watch him closely                                 Xoxo, gossip girl "

Tim

"Everyone: oh this challenge is so cute its gonna be great

Me internally: It's ok but I thought I'd see it at swap or something its not my favvvorite

Also them: Doesn't write anything for the challenge but some gives ideas

Me: Guess I'll just... write."

Well I just wrote my story for the tribe and trixie drew some bomb ass pictures! It really brought the story to life a bit and I appreciate the partnership effort!

Stephen

"Duncan: Don’t backstab me okay? Me sharpening my knives: Unfortunate Like I love the guy but anyone who asks for an alliance day one can easily become a target or an asset. If we end up losing this challenge I will either throw him under the bus of us or us him to get numbers. Also about this challenge, I feel really bad for not having more input, especially after I bragged about my writing. But tbh this prompt is very specific, and doesn’t really mesh with my style of writing. And by the time I had caught up with messages and read what Sarah had written it was 11:30. Sorry guys."

Duncan

https://youtu.be/5PLE0dQ1mIk

Aundra

"this is going to sound completely under believable but it’s all true and happened day while I was in the the Acadia Mountains on a afternoon hike. So I was walking having a very nice time enjoying a new trail I’d never taken before. It was longer than most and seemed to never end, I almost thought I was going around in circles. When I was finally about to give up my gps went off saying I was near a geocache! So like any normal person I went to go it. When i found the capsule it began to glow. Strongly and brightly it started to shine. I’d never seen a geocache this big so I decided I was going to take it the I noticed something weird on it it had names next to dates on it. QuilLynn- 1902 Samuel- 1913 Dana- 1940 Sammy- 1953 Dan- 1969 Sarah- 1982 Stephen- 1986 Heather- 2000 Duncan- 2012 Aundra- 2018

I had no idea what this list meant or who these people were, I’d so find out. I started my way back to my car but never made it back that day. Once I began to try and leave the geocache started heating up. It became so I dropped it. I would’ve ran off then and there but I started hearing a voice. “Give me what I want and I’ll give you what you want!” Said the dark and gargled voice. “What do you want?” I said quickly to scared to think of anything else to say. “Your soul!” Whisper little voices so close to my ear I could feel there lips nibbling on my earlobes. I got chills and started panicking breathing heavy. Fast. Hard. Deeply. I thought I was gonna pass out but surprisingly stayed awake. “What do o get in return?” I asked the voice. “Happiness” it shot back quickly. “Ok, have it.”

That’s the half of the story I wrote defiantly better than Sarah’s but it’s whatever hopefully her story can pull through with a W                                  Xoxo, gossip girl "

Dan

"Our story is........... garbage honestly.

What happened to Heather’s amazing 7 deadly sins story line??? We got a stale piece of white bread with no plot or anything with just food jokes??? Sarah did her best yes, but when your best is subpar it’s kinda hard to like win a challenge ya know? "

Heather

Wow first confessional after immunity, we stan a mess. So before anyone can get situated we get our challenge thrown at us and of course it is something I am actually terrible at: WRITING. Hun I cant write for shit. But I came up with a great idea that I thought would really sell the judges being the 7 deadly sins. However there are 10 people so 3 would be the ones who find the geocache and use the items in it to fend off the other 7 who are possessed by the sins. Everyone was like super excited for it, but Sarah didn't use it in the writing, which is upsetting since I really wanted to be sloth and be fended off with like Nyquil or something, but aye that's how shit is. Now I guess its time to get these bitches on my side and find out who to get rid of.

5/24

Duncan

so we lost. Obviously i'm not thrilled about it but I'm not filled with rage or anything like that. If i go home first I'll be a little surprised but I don't think thats going to happen. What I'm kind of hoping to form is a foursome of me dan heather and sammy. I think that would be a very strong group at least for now. As for the longevity of the group? I don't know. I just know I told dan and sammy individually that i want to work with them and heather is someone who dan trusts. Sammy and Dan played lago together so hopefully they'll be on good terms. This way Dan can kind of be seen as the leader of the group and if anyone tries to take a shot at the grouping later down the road it will be his head on the line and not mine. As for who goes home at tribal? I don't think people will vote for Quil or Dana as not to stir the pot. We can't vote out Sarah. It would be mcfucked if we did that to her. So that leaves Stephen, Aundra and Samuel. Obviously I would like to keep Stephen around because he can be an asset to me moving forward. As for Aundra and Samuel?  think Aundra is a little enigmatic but i like him. I also like Samuel, he was the last person to add me but we've been talking the most out of all people that are brand new to me. Speaking of being brand new. I kind of want to talk to Heather and Aundra and be like "THIS IS ALL STARS!! WHY Y'ALL ACTING BRAND NEW!?!" because I've talked to them like the bare minimum. Do you know the untucked where that quote was from? God i love untucked. Where was I? Oh yeah. Hopefully they don't send my ass packing first. I haven't thrown out any names, hopefully someone can throw out a name by noon tomorrow. I'll report back later if i have time. xoxo gossip gorl. also woo mitch! im going to try and win this for us since we were robbed in alcatraz <3

Luke

"Hi hello we won immunity and that’s pretty iconic! I like a majority of my tribe but I’m SCARED of if we have to go to tribal because I think I will DIE!

Opinions on my tribe:

Aren: he’s iconic! He’s british and we hit it off right away, I think he’s going to make a great ally for me!

Carson: I love Carson so much ahhhh, I’m excited to see him in this game because we always work really well together. He’s definitely a number for me.

Chris: last time I played with Chris was in Great Lakes when he had a premade to help him get to the end so I can’t wait to get my revenge lol (:

Julia: I love Julia but she always makes it difficult to work with her because she always explodes on somebody and people want her out because of it. I hope she stays a little calm this game because I could use her.

Madison: uggghhhh. I like Madison, I do. She just got me out in BBFurby and I am a LITTLE bitter about but she says she wants to work with me. I believe her like...70% because I think that she’ll take the opportunity to take me out when she can. So I need to get her first.

Ruthie: My Dead Sea queen!! We worked so well together in Dead Sea and she was vital in my plans to win and it worked out for me. I hope she wants to work with me again!

Tim: Tim is one of two people I didn’t know coming into my tribe but he’s super sweet! Our conversations have been nice so far!

Trixie: ugh stupid furby BITCH! i hate this SKANK i want her to CHOKE she will be first boot and we made it no secret in PMs we hate each other >:( HEHE JK i love this bitch can’t wait to work with her again "

Trixie

"Trixie's Alcatraz Confessional Strike Receipt #1

[2018-01-25, 9:51:48 PM] Cameron Bee-Culpepper (Atomic Admin): Pls trixie [2018-01-25, 9:51:51 PM] Cameron Bee-Culpepper (Atomic Admin): ur gonna get another strike [2018-01-25, 9:52:02 PM] Cameron Bee-Culpepper (Atomic Admin): why… why are u like this "

Dana

"There are NOT enough horses on this Island Cameron!!!!

Ok but fr me, Sarah, and my mother Quail have a Pretty Girls Only Alliance. This is a strategy Quil and I have used before, where we rope in a third girl and work with her, but Sarah is smart af so idk if she'll just like work with us and not ask questions.

Then we all made a winners alliance, which I love. But the only problem is I have a cersh on Sammy... so we can't vote him out NEVER EVER. "

Jay

I haven't really done much but i want to make the weed alliance aka me chris and Julia

Heather

Ok so when I saw Stephen here I was like " Hey maybe we can make amends and work together this season" Then all of a sudden people are targeting him. Also Aundra is on my tribe which if anyone doesn't know I adore Aundra well I do. But he is having wifi problems which sucks. I also heard Samuel's name which I would much rather like to roll with. Ughh too many icons tho why u do this. Right now I seem to be working a lot with Dan and Sammy a bit ( Wow Lago thanks a lot) even though Dan idoled me out but he d=cant do that this game cause of NO FUCKING IDOLS. Speaking of advantages I got me a heavy rock. The heavy rocks power is that I can throw it at someone at tribal and cause them not to vote. I laughed so hard when I got it cause who doesn't want to throw a rock at someone. I am really loving this violent all star season. I hope next time I hunt I get a heavier rock where I can throw it at someone to get them out of the game. hehe

Sam

Wig going okay so far!!

Ruthie

I'm SO glad that I'm on a tribe with so many creative people, i'm super busy until tomorrow and i'm just READY for summer vacation so I'm glad I'm not flailing about to save myself.  I've connected a bit with Aren after not talking to him in like two years so that's nice!

Tim

Their story was cute! But you know gorgeous (our story) next to cute. Gorgeous is just gonna devour cute. [Plz tell me yall get this reference lol]"

Our efforts actually won us the comp.. I feel so inspired to write now.

This is the season that I came to play hard and win. These comps bettee get ready because Im giving it my all and not giving up.

Ali

just popping in to say cam & olivia are the DREAM TEAM and I lav them both :)

Sammy

okay so woo i have a lot to talk about kinda...so i usually make an intro saying how i feel about everyone but umm let’s skip that. The cast is super cool but I have to be super careful because I’m playing with the best of the best? Anyways I wasn’t around to help with the story that much but I did go through and edit stuff I saw...so I did something! There were three names going around today and they were Samuel, Aundra, and Stephen. Now Stephen probably thinks that like it was me that is trying to go for him but his name was brought to me? I know we kinda said we wouldn’t target each other this round buttt he usually lies to me so why not. He took me out of the last couple games we were in together and I feel like he has something against me? Idk. So yeah...and last night i did the trails thing and I freaking got caught by a park ranger for touching a rock. I’m so dumb. The whole tribe knows I was searching:/ rip. Anyway I’m trying to get the numbers on my side and Duncan wants an alliance with me him dan and Heather. But also I might be getting myself into a little group with Dana and quill and hopefully sarah? Idk but woo.

Aundra

"So look im not that smart and all im looking for is the Ali to my Jay and right now, seems like thats not possible. So we lost immunity like i said we were going to because it was obvious any who QuilLynn decides to make a winners alliance which im definitely not going to say no to that because thats safety and numbers for a little while BUT im stupid and may have just leaked the whole thing to Duncan who i thought was a winner and isn't. ik he pays very close attention to things (or at least i think so) and this could really bad on my part and to my game hopefully it wont and all is good

QuilLynn is like a really cool person but im on to them i just have to wait till the perfect moment to strike or to get voted off lmfao but im watching them. Stephen is unfortunately the vote tonight which really suck because i wanted to kinda work on our relationship from the last game that we played in. He doesn't really deserve this but it has to happen to everyone . im also thinking of becoming very close to QuilLynn they say keep your friends close and your enemies closer for a reason                                                                                  xoxo, gossip girl"

Carson

"Wow I like most of my tribe?? Everyone is really funny and I actually don’t want to quit on day 2. Who would have thot.

Being on a tribe with Chris stoner AGAIN is terrible, but Luke is also here and that makes up for it. I cannot wait to vote him out for playing me in Alcatraz! "

Stephen

So I have heard absolutely nothing about the vote, then I ask Aundra. So then he messages me saying he’s voting Samuel, but before I can respond he deletes the message. Then claims it was a link he sent to the wrong person. Wow, glad to see he’s gotten less messy since Isle of Skye, but he did win that one so I should never underestimate him. I wouldn’t be surprised if I went home tonigh with all this radio silence, so I’m voting Samuel on the off chance I can survive.

Julia

So like these hoes so boring. I rly h8 Chris stoner, and I’ve been so high idk what’s really been happening I’m floating rly bad rn but idrc

Chris Stoner

"So I’ve been in Denver! Not good timing but it’s all good cause we won the first comp and now I’m home to socialize and compete.

Instantly me and jay clicked. Jays a cool dude. I don’t expect jay to take me far but I do think he knows I will work him.

I’ve also talked a bit with Tim and Aren. Both are cool dudes. I played with Luke and Julia before, both whom were against me. So should be fun to see how all these relationships play a role. Hopefully it’s not too bad. "

5/25

Heather

SO Immunity just ended and I am a little bit nervous about it. I definitely did the most for my tribe so hopefully I can pull out a win. We had some people like NOT EVEN PARTICIPATE. Like we in allstars bitches we gotta not flop ughh. I feel bad for voting out Stephen last round because I wanted to talk to him about flipping the vote, but he didn't get on until I was in a concert. Samuel I don't think participated so I can prob get votes on him. IF WE NEED TO WHICH I FEEL LIKE WE WILL. (Im Cam messaging to confess while I am in the midst of it I love you hehe) I hope this didn't put a target on my back, or do it. welp time to go hunting for shit

Tim

Um this challenge is so rushed and Aren and Julia are dead!!!

Madison, who is arguably one of the most beneficial members of the tribe so far, sat out and Im not sute if were gonna win!

Heather

I swear I am about to rip out my hair. I got the most points in the whole hunt and WE STILL LOST. I GOT FOR OVER HALF MY TRIBES POINT. I AM PISSED AND AM ABOUT TO STRANGLE A BITCH BUT THIS BITCH GOTTA BE SWEET.

5/26

Aundra

"So QuilLynn is my new favorite person i mean they kinda already were but like now it official because the feeling are both ways and i could be happier on other news we lost immunity again and im pretty surprised at how close it came down to right now it votes are between Sarah and Samuel. Sarah's apart of the winners alliance so i doubt they'll want to vote her out which i kinda do because im looking at the bigger picture. winners are very intimidating to me and the more there are in the game the scarier im going to be. this round shouldn't result in me going home if the odds are in my favor. ( also if you couldnt understand my wonderfull story sorry that it had alot of typos)                                                                                     xoxo, gossip girl      P.s. I know that its going to be revealed pretty obvious who gossip girl is when these get posted but it so fun to sign off everything with it so your gonna have to live with it.  "

Chris Stoner

Nothing much.  We keep winning which is nice. Gives me some time to find an alliance. I still feel pretty isolated because of my schedule. It’s hard to talk to ppl. I’m sure I’m the easy boot. So maybe a swap will come soon 

Dan

So I feel like I’m personally in a good spot even though we keep losing. I’m on good terms with basically everyone left. Duncan offered me an out of the winners alliance that won’t effect any of my relationships with them. I guess Aundra accidentally leaked the winners alliance to Duncan thinking he was a winner, but Duncan and I talked things out and all is good. I was aligned with him before them and I explained it was a one week kinda thing for me personally to make sure a winner didn’t go home first. So now we have a target of Aundra bc he done goofed haha. Byeeee

Luke

Hi nothing is happening because we won immunity woo! i have some seaglass which is cute so i look forward to using that WOO! Aren made himself a target by not submitting which makes me sad but Julia is basically inactive so I lowkey hope we vote her out first looool 

Sammy

ahh okay so I’m super tired and like I’m flying to California and I have been up for over 24 hours...ANYWAY I did what I could in the scavenger hunt and I think some people didn’t really try. I’m just in so many games but like the problem is I forget I apply for them and I’m like uh oh. I think aundra is going home tonight but at the same time it could be me because I haven’t talked to anyone. I’m trying to find a good balance between the way I played in Alcatraz and the way i played in Lago and hopefully make it far!! 

Ruthie

So I’m really sad that a few people didn’t participate in the selfie hunt but I am happy that so many people did and even more happy that we’re safe another week! I suspect that we’re going to swap tribes soon though which is kind of frightening!! 

Quil

So this is a MESS. Aundra “accidnetally” leaked the winners chat to Duncan. Now I LOVE Aundra but this has made him the target. I’ve been trying my best to help with damage control but people still want to vote him!!! I’m trying to push to get Duncan out because I like just don’t trust him, idk UGH. 

Duncan

its round two and im going home because i worked all day and wasn't able to contribute to the challenge at all rip. I trust that Sammy, Samuel, and Dan wouldn't vote me out but if Aundra teams up with the girls and gets them to vote for me I'm donezo. Aundra leaked the winners chat thing and has basically ghosted me all day and I appreciated their story the first round but if they want me out he can go. Dan told me that Quil and Dana were going back and forth about voting out me or Aundra and if I am safe tonight?? Thank god for Dan. That man can do magic. I just want to spend some more time on the island but i don't know if I'm gonna last in these conditions tbh. The game has only just started and to go home now in round two would be like going to orlando but not going to disney world. Like I want to ride space  mountain so badly, i dont want to go.

5/27

Duncan

Okay so a lot of shit happened. Firstly Samuel got med evacd from the game this canceling tribal council. Like that’s crazy, I really liked him and wanted to work with him but his dog passed so he might be in a funk and I just hope he’s not depressed and he’s doing okay at this point. Now at the same time this could’ve been a blessing or a curse. If everyone was lying to me and I was going out the door then this was a blessing and I’ve been given a second life. As for if aundra was leaving? Then this is a curse. But who can never be sure besides the hosts I suppose. Then we get told to drop our buffs. Drop these buffs honey? I’ll drop more than just this buff honey! Ohhhhh hooooooonnnneeeeeyyyyyy! So yeah! I’ll talk more about my new tribe later 

5/28

Tim

Im really vibing with everyone on my tribe all of them are really neat. The person I've bonded least with is Dana unfortunately.

Carson

HALF OF MY FUCKING TRIBE DIDNT SUBMIT... THE CLOWNS HAVE JUMPED OUT. I CANNOT BELIEVE THAT I SPENT THE TIME I SHOULD HAVE BEEN SLEEPING ON THESE PEOPLE. I JUST WANT TO MERGE SO I CAN PLAY WITH LUKE AND WE CAN COWIN AND EVERYTHING WILL BE FINE

Aundra

"Idk if I already said this but I was probably going to be voted out because of how I told Duncan about the alliance on accident so he and Samuel decide to try to get me out idk if I would’ve stayed if Samuel didnt get med evac because he didn’t vote lmao what a dummy. We had swap which was nice mainly because I got to stay with most of the people in cool with include my allstars bff QuilLynn and Tim now!!! Happy that he and I can work together this time instead of directly against eachother I really like this tribe as a whole really and see good things going for us till we make merge which I feel will be soon do to the amount of people getting evacuated. What’s up with all these allstars being flops?                                    Xoxo, gossip girl "

Jay

I'm so sad that Julia is gone but that's okay bc I have a new alliance. Honestly I made 0 bonds with anyone on my original tribe other than Julia, Chris, and Tim. So once I joined this tribe I immediately went to Sarah and Duncan and said I wanted to work with them. Which I mean, it's half true. I want to work with Duncan far into the game, but Sarah needs to go sooner rather than later. So my thought is I want to take out Madison or Trixie, doesn't matter to me. And then MAYBE try to see if I could take out Sarah the next time. She doesn't have to go that soon but if I can make it happen, I'd like it to happen.

Dan

I’m so pissed I wasted so much time and energy on that stupid ass game for nothing!!! I love life rn, couldn’t be happier (: 

5/29

Dana

Nothing is happening. I like Dan more than I thought he would and we made a cute alliance chat. 

Tim

Rip Aren also me, Aundra, and Quilynn might become a thing!!

Ruthie

"real life is SO overwhelming right now, i thought the summer would give me more time but it's... quite the opposite these days!  As far as the game goes I am SO glad that our tribe is safe and that we don't have to see tribal for another week.  I think it was SO lucky too hehe.

I've really connected a lot with Duncan, right now he's the person I would say I'm the closest to! "

Aundra

"Guess who found a hidden item!!? MEEE!! I found the magnifying glass which many already know allows me to see who someone voted for. This will definitely come on handy if there is a suspected rat and I got to find them hopefully this isn’t the only thing I find on my walks away from camp. Watch out cause I got eyes everywhere lol                                     Xoxo, gossip girl "

Quil

the new pokemon games look so cute!!! Also love Aundra and Tim, trying to set up a side alliance with them that can take out the other winners down the line! Honestly if I make merge with the right people, we might be looking at my 3rd win folks!

Luke

My new tribe is actually pretty lit now. We’ve bonded by being the hosts’ favourites and winning two challenges! Same can’t be said for the other flops. I want to make an OG Bernard alliance with Carson and Chris to secure my spot in this game and make sure I’m not voted out before another swap. I need to be reunited with my friends!

5/30

Chris Stoner

So swap happened! I def feel swapfucked. 3/5 ppl on my tribe were on opposite sides as me in past games. The fourth person, heather, probably knows at least one of those 3 and will just go with them for an easy vote. Luckily we won and I did a lot in the challenge so I hope that keeps me around. I need another swap or merge... my days are limited with this tribe. 

5/31

Dan

I’m so over these creative challenges. I rarely have time for them which sucks because I’d have time for challenges that are more typical. You know damn well we won’t end up producing anything of substance, Heather’s tribe will submit something oscar worthy, and we’ll be going back to tribal 

Ruthie

My tribe... once again has not stated anything yet. I feel like this is gonna be another mess 

Sammy

nothing insane is going on but like we have a lip sync challenge and I’m not home yet so this sucks hahah, I’m glad that we are doing good as a tribe and honestly everyone seems to be super kind and nice about everything. So we def have good tribe dynamics. I really enjoy playing with heather this time because in lago we were kind of against each other. I’m hoping we can work more together this game and I also hope me and Carson could work well. Oh and Luke, he puts off really good vibes and I click with him well.

Ruthie

I REALLY hope my tribe gets their act together this time around. Friday is... tomorrow. 

Sarah

I hate my tribe they can all die in a pit of fire...that is all

Quil

"https://youtu.be/vis4R2MfzNA xoxo"

6/1

Duncan

Umm so we tribe swapped and MY TRIBE SUCCS EGGS!! it’s me and Sarah with jay, ruthie, trixie, and Madison. Ironically despite how inactive our tribe is we have the most members at this point in time. Julia got med evacd after the reward challenge and after the last immunity challenge, which we did not even attempt to complete, we learned the other tribe had forfeited the challenge and decided to have their tribal that night. We’re blessed as fuck to be ahead of the game right now but luck can’t last forever. We have had three days to do this movie trailer challenge but no one is ever on. I threw a while fucking idea and script out there but nothing ever came of it. If I go home because of my tribe’s inability to come together I’m gonna have a bitch fit

Sammy

literally like i keep suggesting things or asking questions and nobody responds I’m so annoyed. The only one that even responds to me some is heather...i really hope we win the challenge or i could be going home:/

Ruthie

So Madison and I just did the whole trailer by ourselves and Madison is doing 95% of the work, my lines took less than 5 minutes to film what the heck is the rest of our tribe doing 

Tim

It appears as if QuilLynn has gone inactive and our tribe isn't going to submit which is sad! Just send me to final 3 tbh. Also our trailer had a cute concept ngl.

Olivia

REMEMBER THIS DAY AS THE DAY QUIL TURNED IN THE VIDEO LITERALLY 30 SECONDS BEFORE THE DEADLINE AND RIGHT BEFORE WE WERE GOING TO NOT ACCEPT ANYTHING FROM THE TRIBE BC THEY DIDNT ASK FOR AN EXTENSION 

Carson

Heather is the proud owner of my wig whew

Aundra

"Guess who isn't going to tribal for the first time since the game started!!?? MEEE finally i dont have to try and vote out someone and make sure that im safe from getting voted. tbh i really like my tribe and would've hated to have to vote someone off i would really enjoying playing with all of them once we make merge if there are people left in the game to make merge with. these people are being such flops and not submitting confessional or voting its almost like what was the point of saying yes to playing the game. if only we had some real players in the game so i could be stressed and depressed /                                                                                                xoxo, gossip girl P.s. i know im not a girl but i can understand why someone would sign off with it its fun typing xoxo it makes me feeling like i run something lmaoo"

6/2

Stoner

. I’ve never gone to tribal yet this game and I want to keep it like that. I have a feeling the second I go to tribal I’m gone. Unless I merge. If I make merge I’ll have some more options and places to run and hide. I’ve tried talking to people and forming bonds but it’s just not working. 

Trixie

"Trixie's Alcatraz Confessional Strike Receipt #2

[2018-01-31, 5:16:08 PM] Cameron Bee-Culpepper (Atomic Admin): Hello you have not yet made a confessional this round! Pls do that!

[2018-01-31, 5:17:33 PM] Trixie Stale-Werthers: im so sorry the link isn’t working for me

[2018-01-31, 5:17:48 PM] Cameron Bee-Culpepper (Atomic Admin): Sure jan

[2018-01-31, 5:18:19 PM] Trixie Stale-Werthers: im so sorry but something really bad is about to happen and there’s nothing i can do to stop it

[2018-01-31, 5:18:41 PM] Cameron Bee-Culpepper (Atomic Admin): can u not [2018-01-31, 5:18:48 PM] Cameron Bee-Culpepper (Atomic Admin): Can u just make a damn confessional

Heather

"https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hXmXsntB4RM

This was earlier BUT EVERYONE STEPPED UP AND WE WON THAT SHIT HEHEHE"

Luke

AW THE MOVIE TRAILER CHALLENGE WAS SO CUTE IT WAS SO FUN SEEING OUR TRAILER AND WE ALL INPUTTED SO IT WAS ICONIC! I love the Bernard tribe we work really well together and have won every challenge thus far. The other tribes are messy and have big players on them so it’s going to be interesting to see who leaves tonight. Maybe a winner? That’d be shookening. Although I do like this tribe I’d love a swap or something, there’s never much wiggle room on a tribe as small as this but for now I’m content. Still need to work on that Carson/Chris/Luke alliance. Nothing much else to update on. Happy pride! ^.^ 

Dan

We won woo love life no one talks to me

Carson

We surprisingly killed that challenge after waiting until the last possible minute to start it. I’ve been really impressed with how my tribes stepped up after the reward fiasco a few rounds ago. It’s definitely nice not having to go to tribal, so not swapping would be best for me. I’m still tight with luke and plan on being so for the rest of the game. We’ve already talked about hooking up with the other great lakers come merge. After that, world domination!

Jay

I'm getting voted out it was fun while it lasted i guess :/

6/5

Sammy

woo okay so my tribe is doing so good and I’m so happy because if we lose immunity i know that me and heather don’t have the numbers....I’m hoping i make it to atleast jury. Alsooo i just did my maze and it went really well. Yayyyy, okay yes.

6/6

Carson

"So... is no one trying at these challenges? I'm really shocked that I'm actually dominating every single one of these. I normally do well in challenges, but I've performed better than i ever have before. Its definitely because i'm worried about my place on this tribe. Being that we havent gone to tribal yet, there aren't solidified alliances. I've also had no one start a conversation with me. The conversations I've started with people have never lead to any sort of alliance building either. It makes me believe that I could try to be blindsided because I'm the strongest in challenges and that the merge is on the horizon. I wouldn't put it past these people honestly. I know I have luke in my corner, but stoner is a huge wildcard to me, especially since he's both saved me and burned me in the past. We had a weird relationship in Alcatraz, and it makes me hesitant to trust him in this game.

Also I asked Luke the round where he got caught searching if he wanted to work together with me to find the idol. His response was yes, however nothing has transpired from it. Ive sent him my search route once, but he never reciprocated by telling me the routes he's done since he went many times before I even tried. He probably already has it honestly, which is fine, I just wish he would be honest with me about it."

Tim

Woo we won!!! I CAN RELAX

Sarah

I hate hate my tribe pt 4

Quil

So im in a good spot still, I'm literally queen of this series, but trixies tribe lost again and she's probably going home and I swear i'm going to be so pissed if i lose a jury vote rn because of that fatass tribe of rejects! (idk who is on it tbh but still!!!)

Heather

WOO Another immunity and reward. We stan the Bernard tribe. Even tho Carson basically won the flash game. King of flash games. I kinda hope another swap is happening soon but at the same time our tribe is doing fine with challenges soo hehe. 

Luke

wow hello i forgot about this omg.... we won immunity and reward again that's so amazing! Bernard tribe has been killing it but it's been boring, i need a change of scenery. i need to meet up with my friends again and kill this game and WIN i really want to fucking win oh my lord please let me win 

Madison

IT's boring af! I want to pick this shit up! Tribals have been easy! I want to be SPOOKED! Put me on a tribe with people that hate me or something I want DRAMA. 

In addition to my last confession, I'd love for someone to call me a fake feminist right about now. Do you think Sarah will since we're voting her out? 

6/7

Dan

"Literally so shocked we won. I’m not surprised I did well, but like I was so worried others wouldn’t turn it out. I thought we were getting a one way ticket to tribal, but I guess my tribe is a little more iconic than I thought.

I might actually try to talk to people today???? Idk haha I’m just so pretty and can’t be bothered"

Duncan

Like I said! Our tribe succcccs really bad!! Madison and I and ruthie get to choose which of Sarah and trixie go home. Either way is going to be pissing someone off. Hopefully we make the right decision because I feel a swap coming on

Tim

Fuck my game with this swap huh.

Aundra

"Feet don’t fail me now take me to the finish line I feel so alone on this Thursday thanks to lady O and Cam I think I need wine. ANOTHER SWAPP WHYYYY  my tribe was like the best people ever and we worked very well together now I’m with a group of people I’ve never meet which means I have to sit around and talk to them all to get to know them. This is horrible to me 1) I’m a lunatic and going crazy because I’m hella overwhelmed over the last day of school 2) I don’t really want to work with all these people and will more than likely be an outsider because I know NOBODY on this tribe 3) the only person I think I might know looks like Miranda Cosgrove and she’s allegedly super great at everything and multitalented soon to be governor of some state in America. I literally can not. IM SEPARATED FROM MY NEW GAME BFF QUILLYNN we haven’t really talked in awhile but when your tribe is safe you don’t really have to talk plus we’ve all been kinda busy but that’s besides the fact they err my ride or die along Tim IM AWAY FROM MY BFF TEEM I pretty sure Cam and Olivia hate me but you know what they say the devil can work but Normani works harder                                   Xoxo gossip goat "

Dan

Mcscuse me???? Under construction? You know my ass is Charlie Day-ing this shit searching the blog for things. I'm officially crackdt. 

6/10

Tim

Now I now more about Maine than myself. Lmao but we won woo!!

Quil

Just another day of me being the most iconic winner! Kinda sad Sarah got taken out but, at the same time its one step closer to my 3rd win!

Aundra

"So we’re voting Stoner out my favorite person on my tribe tbh i vibe with him and he’s cool the rest of these people ain’t all that and a bag a chips. I have to sit around and lie to him and say Duncan is the vote when ik that he’s the vote which makes me feel horrible because being blindsided is never fun I lowkey hope I’m getting blindsubwvaus the cast is basically full of the the people that could never and winners and the winner seem over it they’re trash in a way like come on people this is an allstar season and you sit around like your here just to be here at least act like you signed up to play and weren’t forced that’s really all I got to say so here’s to me bein a bad friend and to me possibly getting voted out!                                   Xoxo gossip goat"

Luke

"My new tribe was a disaster at first but now everybody wants a bite of this english muffin :~)

I have Dan I have Trixie I have Madison and Duncan as a threeway

Ugh my mind"

Duncan

I don’t know what’s happening. It’s been a stressful week irl and idk why I’m playing a game rn. I’m probably going home but I’ve heard stoner as the vote so that’s what I did. If I die hopefully my daughter Madison thrives 

Heather

Wooo Tim and I did that kahoot. I thought a tribe swap would mean I would lose for the tribe tbh. 

Dan

This vote seemed way too easy tbh. Did I want a comeback story arc with Stoner? I mean kinda? But like he’s also straight and it’s pride month so he gotta get the boot sis. This all could be an elaborate scheme to get me out but in all reality it’s a waste bc I’m so busy in my real life that I pay an ounce of attention to this. (To clarify I do care about this game I just had a super busy weekend full of social events and you know that this boy doesn’t ever have a social life so he had to take advantage of it!!!!)

Ruthie

"I'm SO glad that the people on my tribe are good at challenges! I hope I can do something with the next one so I can show that I'm useful and not just taking up space on the beach bahah!  

I have no idea what will happen tonight but we'll see!  I don't think that there will be another swap anytime soon. "

6/11

Heather

We most certainly do not stan this upcoming one world. No we most certainly do not.

Dan

I love rigging my random.org so Dana is safe. Gotta look out for my winners after Sarah's messy ass left haha. But seriously random.org picked her. I think Heather and Tim will be a little annoyed that I didn't pick someone from Lago, but if they ask I literally have screenshot proof that I randomized it to be fair with a time stamp so like they can calm down. And if one of them goes, oh well??? I really hope merge is next. I feel like this game is going by so quickly, I am forever thankful for that. 

Aundra

"A tribal twist that I really like but both robes are gonna to tribal I think tonight or tomorrow idk I haven’t been paying attention and am more of a mess than normal I really wish I was working with my peeps and not with these randos that are probably going to vote me out which sucks but hopefully I’ll make jury given that we get to go to tribal second it’s all about the motion of the ocean                                   Xoxo gossip goat "

6/12

Tim

Damn it I thought I had a good score in immunity but I lost :////. Congrats Carson and Dan i guess lol but comp beasts can choke (in the game that is). Dana and uhhh someone else is safe so hsbdd. Yeah so the plan is to stick with Quil, Dana, and Carson so ya!

Quil

Idk if im going home or not. Dan is dead to me for not giving me immunity!!! Ruthie better be leaving or yikes

Tim

So it looks like Ruth is dying because of this ugly twist!!! But hey atleast its not someone active.

Luke

"YES YES YES CARSON CAME THROUGH FOR ME AND HE GAVE ME IMMUNITY I'M SO FREAKING HAPPY. This just proves that the relationships I'm making in this game are working to my benefit and are keeping me safe and I could not be happier right now. This tribal council is a difficult one. I like everybody on my tribe but I said I'd work with Madison and Duncan, I said I'd work with Dan, I said I'd work with Trixie which leaves Aundra as really my only option to vote. It sucks because I like Aundra a lot but they don't really talk to me or anybody and it's getting to the point where if you don't try, you gotta go...

I'm expecting a merge after this tribal council because we'll be at 11 (I think ) which is perfect for a merge. I can meet up with Quil, Trixie and Dana, I can get back with Carson and also utilise my relationship with Madison/Duncan. I think I'm gonna make it far providing I play this game smart WOOOO O"

Sammy

ugg okay so I’m on a tribe with everyone that i like so making this decision is gonna be so hard:/ I’ve heard Ruthie tho imso im just gonna go with it....

Madison

"Me: throws immunity

Also me: feels like everyone is sketchy and that I’m probably going home this week.

Am I mad? Not particularly. "

Aundra

"Guess who’s probably going home! Me!! NOBODIES saying anything to me about a vote everyone is “lost” and i think I’m voting Trixie no need to keep dead wieght on our tribe and if these people vote me out they’re idiots complete dummy’s for keeping people that won’t work with them and can’t contribute to the tribe stupid people do stupid things                                   Xoxo gossip goat"

6/13

Tim

I MADE MERGE WOOOO

6/14

Luke

"Hello well all of the conversations about this game spicing up at merge were true because this cast is fucking CRACKEDT and I have no idea what's going on. I'm in an alliance with Duncan, Madison and Dan... Quillynn, Trixie and Dana expect me to vote with them so I'm kinda stuck between two threesomes but Dan wants to talk to me privately in a few about something and I think it's about the same thing I wanna talk to him about. It's about us being STUCK because we're expected to vote a certain. All I know is my name hasn't been brought up so that's good.

After this round, depending on which way to go I want to work with the group I don't betray, Dan and Carson. I think it'd be smart of me. I just need to talk with Dan before we decide what's going on. Will keep you posted. "

Duncan

I might go home because Tim has the fattest mouth on the block. I was hoping for some black guy magic but I just don’t think it’s in the cards. I think one of us will go home and do I know why he chooses the karringtons over the rest of us? No. Also I haven’t really done shit strategically this game and have barely been around socially idk how I’m stil here. Over jay Sarah stoner and aundra? I don’t know how he does it. Maybe if I do nothing in every game I’ll be guaranteed merge. I just don’t get why people are coming after me. You’re not going to like hearing it but sometimes I forget I’m in this game. I’m just now getting my feet game wise but apparently I can’t go in the kiddy look without enduring a shark attack 

Dan

Honestly I’m really happy that my name wasn’t thrown around this vote it’s a hot ass mess and I’m aligned with too many people

Heather

"This round is a mess. Heres what happened Madison wanted Isle of Skye Alliance Her me and Tim make said alliance I get busy and cant message and only do 12 stones for immunity thinking imma lose I win cuz everyones dead Quil wants to gun for Duncan Madison and I wanna gun for Quil Tim does what he always does in games and snakes Quil confronts me I lie I tell Duncan we should gun for Tim NO ONE IS TELLING ME WHO THEY VOTING WJDJSHD"

Carson

God this round was kind of a hot mess for me. So my main concern going into the merge is not being a target. I knew coming into the merge people would see me as a threat based on my performance in challenges. So my first order of business was to throw the immunity challenge since I would still be among other challenge threats (luke and dan) if I don’t win. Next, I made sure I was still good with my alliance of quil, Dana, and Tim. Unfortunately, I don’t think it’s best for me to continue with that alliance. So I went ahead and made a side alliance with Duncan. I view him as a HUGE threat to win, but i feel better going to the end with him knowing I can beat him in immunity challenges. My old alliance is full of wildcards. So at this point, I’m pretty much aligned with everyone, which is both terrifying and exciting. I have been on tribes with Sammy and heather for the past few rounds. Luke and I are super close. I have a new alliance with Duncan that was formed to redeem ourselves from Alcatraz. Dan and Madison are allies of Luke and Duncan respectively, so I need to work on my social connection with them bc jury management. I’m starting to see a path to the finals, but more on that next round. I need to go run errands!!

Madison

Do I lowkey hope they flipped the vote on me and I go? yes. at least then someone will have made a move!!

6/15

Sammy

okay so so so I’m at camp and i feel like I’m missin so much stuff happening in the game. But I’m with quill and Dana....however Carson and Duncan want to work with me. BUT Duncan and Quill are against each other-_- why does this always happen to me.....

6/16

Duncan

I think it’s bananas that Tim went home. Well, not really, he broke peoples trust within the first round of merge. You can’t do that. I feel like no one is really playing the game rn besides like Madison and I love her but if I still have a shot to win, even though I’ve done retroactively nothing in this game, I’m still going to go for the W. So if I don’t go home tonight, expect me to start my cocaine drug abuse problem that I had in Alcatraz. Last time I was here for Mitch, this time im here for me. So once I start being active, it’s all over

Madison

"OKAY TEA. Trixie is literally voting however I’m voting bc she’s gonna be gone I’m CACKLING I LITERALLY HAVE A DOUBLE VOTE! WHAT A TIME TO BE ALIVE!!!

Idk who I want gone. If I go that’s cute too like it’s jury who cares but this is hilarious. Idols make me a little nervy but idk. "

Dan

"I'm so yikes over this vote rn. Like I knew I was aligning myself all over the place, but I wasn't expecting to have to pick a side. Quil basically confirmed today to Luke that votes would be public tonight, which makes this even worse bc I have to own my shit. I'm hoping that Madison doesn't freak the fuck out when she realizes she is really on the bottom. This is what she gets for Mongolia tbh. I turned over a new leaf with her for Lago and now it's my turn to snake. I'm gonna tell her Duncan is going at like 9:50 tonight if she has some advantage or something cute to save him, but like I just also feel like shit???

I don't especially trust Quil, but I need her in front of me bc she'll always be a bigger threat. I know I need to flip on her eventually, but with Quil gone, the drama is gone, the target is gone, and I'm a sitting duck.

Also peep the white gays killing all the POCs, I'm literally disgusted. "

Madison

WHEW okay so I knew the vote was going to flip obviously I’m not an idiot. so this is either going to work and make it seem like I’m on the bottom OR it’s gonna make them all flip and vote me out next round and that works too so. woohoo

6/17

Olivia

Dan searched the trails and found 1/3 idol. Luke searched at practically the same time but like with a 30 second delay. Both went down the EXACT same path. Luke lost the idol by like 20 seconds it was wild. 

6/20

Dan

"I just scrolled 8 miles through the chat to find this yikes.

Honestly like if I go home this round it’s cool and whatever but I just feel like I’m great spot??? Luke showing his cards last week put the target on his back. Of fucking course he had to win immunity bc I didn’t have time to play Casanova, but like I feel like Sammy can go. I’m in 2 strong groups of three and Dana is my number one. I’m just proud I’m getting at least 7th in an all stars season where I’m coming in as a winner. "

6/21

Dan

"Wow so uh I got played huh. That’s what I get for being confident, thanks Demi!!! I just wish that someone clued me in on the Quillynn vote. Like yes I had been working with her, yes she was a big threat, but yes I would have gladly voted her ass out. She would have easily won if she got to the end just bc she’s a 2 time winner.

I did message Heather and Luke and said I would have gone along with the plan if I had known about it so hopefully they believe me bc that’s the honest truth. I really need to do some damage control with Sammy as well. The only reason I voted him was because no one gave me another alternative. I’m definitely not gonna win this game ugh. But again I’m happy that I made at least top 6 in an all stars game coming in as a winner. "

6/24

Dan

"Oh hey it’s me, Lago Dan, here to make an immunity run bc like I feel like I would have been next. I wouldn’t be surprised at all of Dana/Trixie/Luke team up against me and Sammy but also I really want to hope that Luke and Dana will go with the winners to the end mentality. I just realistically don’t see a winner winning if it’s not 3 winners at the end. The jury is fucking bitter bc it’s an all stars season and their entitled asses are just gonna have to get over it.

Realistically I don’t see me having many big moves on my resume besides the Heather vote last round. I think Heather needed to go because she really called the shots at the live Tribal with her vote and she’s someone that is likebale to the jury. This game I tried to get all the lago people out because none of them want me at the end again. The next to go in theory is sammy but I think I might try to give Trixie the boot tbh. Sammy is someone who could win final immunity, but let’s be real the kid lives at camp rn or some shit so maybe he won’t even show up again.

I really wanted to try to have a game with a bit more complexity than my first game but I think I ended up playing pretty similarly. This time I tried to hold off before winning comps and now look at me I’m slaying. But socially I think I faultered a few times in this game and I’m ready to face that bitter af jury"

6/27

Dan

This could very well be my last night in the game and it's super bittersweet. I hate that it's coming down to this fricken comp. I can't figure some things out because some things never got posted on the blog.... *EYES CAMERON AND OLIVIA FROM ACROSS THE ROOM* but anywho, Dana isn't giving me a straight answer about what's going on with everything and I just wanna die. Like Sammy told me he didn't do the comp, which is cool and will self vote to force the tie and then throw fire making, so like now that this confessional has taken a turn for the better I think I'm good (: hehehehehehheehhehehehee. I love being a two time winner (hopefully)

[crookedlyspookytyphoon]

February 27, 2017

I just wanted to talk to you about what’s been going on with me lately.  I’m pretty sure you’ve noticed it too, I haven’t really been completely myself. I didn’t really notice there was anything weird going on until everything that happened on Friday night. I’ve spent the past few days since then thinking and reflecting about whatever it is I’m clearly not dealing with.  My anxiety has been worse than usual for about a week -- again I didn't notice until I stopped to think about it.  I don’t have much of an appetite, so I’ve been forcing myself to eat, but when I do I feel nauseous.  I’ve had a dull headache going on three days now.  My hands have been shaking more than usual.  Today I feel like theres a 50 pound weight on my chest making it hard for me to breathe.  I think it all started last weekend when Kayla told me she might break up with Jake and then they were fighting that night.  And later that night with Athan being a straight dick to Elena.  I ended up just going home because you were gone in Michigan and on my walk there I had to fight off an anxiety attack just to get home safe.  I’ve noticed I’ve been blacking out a lot lately, and that’s not like me at all.  I never used to black out.  Thursday night I blacked and apparently got mad at you for not wanting to have sex.  I don't know what that’s about... I would normally never get mad about that -- never get mad at you actually.  And then Friday I was yelling at Max.  First of all, not my place, and secondly, you know I’m not normally an angry person and I’m not mean either.  And then when I was talking to Gieske he started talking to me about his parents divorce.  My memories going in and out at that point -- it was after I burnt my hands so I was chugging beer to try and not feel it.  I don’t exactly remember what we were talking about, but I know we talked about my anxiety and how I dealt with depression in high school.  Apparently at some point I got up and started walking around the block, and even threw a bottle.  I don’t remember this at all.  I think I was getting extremely anxious, I know I was crying.  I’m really sorry about that, I know it made everyone concerned and uncomfortable.  I do remember talking to you later, and you were being really nice about it, you always are.  I kept apologizing and you told me I had nothing to be sorry for, which is exactly what I needed to hear in that moment.  You never invalidate what I’m feeling.  You basically just told me different ways to handle that in the future, and I agree with you.  I should have just gotten you and gone upstairs for a few minutes and calmed down; that would have been better for me and wouldn’t have caused a scene.  I know I kept saying that night that I could stay up with you all because I never sleep.  You’ve brought it up a few times so I’m guessing that some part of you knows somethings going on with that. I’ve told you before that I have a lot of trouble falling asleep, and that is mostly due to my anxiety.  It’s hard for me to shut off my brain at night.  Unless I take my heavy duty anxiety meds that basically knock me out, my mind has a constant stream of thoughts that I can’t stop.  I doubt you know this, but one thing that helps calm people with anxiety is pressure.  So like when I had that panic attack with you and you held me, that was perfect.  And at night before we go to bed when I lay on your chest and you have your arms around me, even if it’s just for five minutes, my mind calms down enough for me to be able to sleep.  And I haven’t entirely figured this out but I always fall asleep after you, and I think it’s just my mind realizing that it’s okay to relax and turn off now since you did.  Anyways, when I don’t sleep with you it’s an entirely different story.  When you leave before me in the mornings to go to work, it takes me almost an hour to be able to fall back asleep.  When I sleep in my own bed I have to have pillows lined up on both sides of me just so there’s some sort of pressure against me.  It takes me hours to fall asleep when I’m not sleeping with you -- it’s not uncommon for me to just lay in my bed staring at my ceiling until 4am.  So I guess when I was saying I never sleep, I mean I can’t sleep.  And my body has been like this for so long that I’ve figured out how to be able to function on only four hours of sleep.  So then that brings me to the drinking.  Like I said, I’ve been blacking out a lot.  You know I don’t like how I feel when I black out and even more so lately because I’ve been getting mean and super emotional.  I’m not entirely sure where the anger is coming from, but I think I’m just subconsciously scared and frustrated and the reason it comes out when I’m drunk is because I don’t have a hold on it then -- lowered inhibitions and such.  I don’t know if I’ve ever told you this, but my biggest fear in life is the thought that something is going to be forever.  Like when we die, we are going to be dead forever.  The infinite amount of time (if that even exists after death) that is eternity freaks me the fuck out because there is no way for humankind to be able to interpret something like that.  Branching off of that, I’m scared of the finality that is beginning to happen all around us.  Connor and I have been talking about it a lot recently, just how different next year is going to be when all of you are gone.  And there’s eventually going to come a time where we have a bunch of “last times” and I hate that that is the reality.  Change is something that bothers a lot of people, but change is a good thing, I know that.  However, change is my number one trigger, always has been, so it’s extremely difficult for me to deal with.  I know things are going to change with us, and that’s okay, I’m not trying to convince you otherwise here or anything, that’s not the point of this conversation.  I just think it is something I’m still coming to terms with internally and it’s something out of my control -- hence anxiety.  This brings me to my next point.  A while ago you asked me why I always set myself up to suffer, I want to talk about that in the context of our relationship.  You have been a part of my life for over a year and a half now.  We’ve had many ups and downs, but we’ve been doing really well these past few months.  I get you are asking me why I put myself through all the struggles we had for about a year, and the simple answer is it got me to this point.  There were days where I hated you, hated how I couldn’t get rid of you.  But no matter how hard I tried not to, I always came back to you.  I tried to forget about you and be with other guys.  I’m pretty sure I only talked to you twice all summer, and only saw you once -- that was nearly four months.  Even after that, the second I saw you it was like we hadn’t been apart at all.  You mean so much to me, have always meant so much to me, and it isn’t the most logical thing in the world, but it makes me happy.  Why did I agree to date you when I knew you were going to leave a few months later?  Because you make me happy.  You said it yourself we only had two choices: to either date or never talk to each other again, that was the point we had reached.  The way I saw it I had two similar, but slightly different choices.  1) I could never talk to you again and be sad for a really long time, probably end up regretting for the rest of my life, and essentially waste an entire semester I could have spent with you.  Or, 2) date you and make the absolute most of the time we have, knowing that there would inevitably have to be an end.  Obviously I picked the second choice.  I know that one day you’re going to leave and it’s going to suck, but at least I’m going to always be able to cherish the time we did have together.  It has meant the world to me, and you have been more than I ever expected from you.  I am so grateful to have you in my life, and I would take this short time we have together along with the pain every single time as long as it meant we got to be together at least for a day.  I feel like I’ve kind of lost track of what I was saying here, but to bring it back to my anxiety and everything that’s been going on, I know you didn’t necessarily know all of that before we started dating.  I’m sorry that it affects you and that you have to deal with it, because that’s not what you signed up for.  I’m sorry that it’s been coming out in front of your friends, that absolutely should not be happening.  And I’m sorry that I put you in situations where you feel like you have to take care of me.  I try really hard to be strong and independent, that’s the way I want people to see me.  But I know that I can’t always be, and I just want to thank you for always being there for me when I don’t ask you to be or when I try to push you away.  You have been everything I needed and more and I’m sorry for letting you down and not being able to do the same for you.  You deserve the world and all the happiness it can give you, and I realize you can’t get all of that from me, but I hope I at least make you half as happy as you make me.