#so my point being its 6:40am and these are the things i think about

[terriblygrimm]

unstoppable force

immovable object

[tearlessrain]

30 questions tag game

Tagged by: @mercurypilgrim (thanks!)

Rules: Answer 30 questions and tag 5 blogs you are contractually obligated to know better.

Name/nickname: I’ve been going by tearless/tearlessrain for so long that a friend once called me that in person and I did not notice that it wasn’t my name until they said something. but I also have a lot of other names, only two of which have legal relevance.

Gender: male

Star sign: virgo, but I’ve been told by the local astrology gays that I’m also an aquarius moon and that it “explains a lot”

Height: 5′2

Birthday: a secret. I do not like being the center of attention.

Time: it’s like 3:40am. I will experience deep regret tomorrow, and I will learn nothing from this.

Favorite bands: queen feels like a cop out but like I’m never really not in the mood to listen to queen. linkin park, unironically. and all the different permutations of the crosby/stills/nash/young/simon/garfunkle cloud.

A few I am currently listening to, though: I can’t really call out specific bands/artists because I’m mostly listening to my oc playlists lately (I literally can’t stay in a bad mood listening to riska’s playlist and that’s just the energy I need in my life right now).

Favorite solo artists: (all together now) david bowie. also hozier and joni mitchell.

Song stuck in my head: O Come All Ye Faithful, in latin, for some fucking reason. it’s been there for days. send help.

Last movie: Kung Fu Panda, discord server was having a movie night.

Last show: WandaVision but I’m behind on it (loved the first two episodes but now I can feel the Marvel-ness looming again and I dread it)

When did I create this blog: god I don’t even remember, I’ve been here since the first age and never changed accounts/urls so like. around ten years now I think.

What do I post: whatever the hell passes through my brain from moment to moment, I can’t believe anyone follows me. lately a lot of rambling about my swtor ocs, sometimes it’s tolkien/silmarillion content, sometimes I liveblog terrible movies on purpose, sometimes it’s isaac asimov hours, sometimes just shitposting or unsolicited opinions about completely random things I’m not qualified to talk about. the only thing I can be relied on to provide is reblogs of ocean and horse photos, but not on any kind of consistent schedule.

Last thing googled: celtic invasion of portugal. I got slightly sidetracked from something else I was doing.

Other blogs: I’ve got art over at @tearlessrainart, horny art over at @a-world-of-osha-violations, and a little pile of extremely specific sideblogs I rarely use.

Do I get asks: not often, but those I do get are appreciated. except you, ray bans bot. I don’t appreciate you.

Why I chose my url: I originally used it as a deviantart handle (still there) because it wasn’t taken and I liked the overall way it sounded, and kept it because it’s rarely taken anywhere. and now it’s been ten years so like it’s stuck at this point.

Following: 305

Followers: 1392 which is far more than I deserve given my wildly inaccessible blogging style

Average hours of sleep: 7-8 hours usually but my actual sleep schedule skews late. I’ve never been one of those people who can skate by on 5 hours and be functional, if I get less than 6 hours I am absolutely useless and was that way even in high school/college when everyone else was pulling all nighters and shit.

Lucky number: I honestly have never understood lucky numbers, and how much I like any given number is solely dependent on how appealing its colors are according to my synesthesia. if anyone’s wondering, 420 is a hideously tacky blue/orange clusterfuck, but 69 is pleasantly greyscale.

Instruments: I play the flute, in that I own a flute that I was pretty good at playing in high school and can, if I choose, still play notes on it. I also own a melodica but I cannot play it, which to be clear does not stop me from playing it.

What am I wearing: pajama pants and a sith cloak. which sounds like a joke but I do actually own a set of sith robes and the cloak happens to be warm and very comfortable so I just kinda. wear it around the house sometimes in the winter.

Dream job: ornamental lighthouse hermit who may or may not be a wizard.

more realistically though I’m hoping to go into sfx makeup and cosmetology (I was like a week away from getting my license when the apocalypse hit)

Dream trip: I’d love to visit australia and new zealand, would also very much like to go back to scotland and possibly just not leave scotland.

Favorite food: sushi, specifically good salmon nigiri. god it’s so good. smeagol was right.

Nationality: regrettably, american.

Favorite song: god I have no idea. uh. I really like the boy in the bubble by paul simon. something about the visuals in that song speak to me.

Last book read: rereading The Robots of Dawn by Isaac Asimov, which is a terrible book that I nonetheless subject myself to periodically because I like all the books around it a lot. I need to start on Robots and Empire but shit’s been going down recently so I haven’t been reading much.

Top three fictional universes I’d like to live in:  

okay LIVE IN is a very different question from “universes I think are neat” because like. I love the whole thing firefly has going on but I wouldn’t survive it for more than five minutes. so with that in mind:

1. middle earth but like, the shire during the third age specifically.

2. I think I would enjoy being a legend of zelda npc. I could just be a weird little potion seller who lives in a tree or something. or maybe an inexplicably sexy fish man. or better yet, the inexplicably sexy fish man’s husband, who sells potions. yeah I’ve got my fictional life here completely figured out now, this is good. I would also own an extremely chonky horse.

3. one of the ones I made up, specifically the one that involves a lot of gryphons and interdimensional bullshit. more specifically the origin universe of said gryphons, which exists at the heart of an extremely complicated multiverse that includes both earth and at least one fantasy world but is part of neither. anyway it’s a nice place.

Tagging: @raemanzu @sith-nb @vampiraptor @nyriad @crypticspren

(only if you want to of course)

[artificialqueens]

Blue Neighborhood Series: EASE (Jan-centric) - Mac

AN: Again, nothing I do would ever come to completion without Meggie being my rock and betaing this monstrosity. I love her and I hope yall like this one!

Summary: The students of Eastview Highschool are still reeling from a post by their school drama account. Jan is too busy with auditioning for the school musical to pay much mind to a bit of teenage angst. Jan is too busy in general. But she’s not overworked. She’s totally fine. She can handle it. She has everything under control.

6:00am: Wake Up

Jan’s eyes slowly adjusted themselves to the morning light just beginning to peek through her curtains. She didn’t groan, didn’t add five minutes to her alarm. She rolled up and out of bed.

She pulled the sheet taut where she had messed it up while sleeping and tucked it back under her mattress, doing the same to the blanket. She fluffed her pillows and set them upright, and finally placed her little stuffed bunny in the center of the pillows.

She knelt down to pull the drawers from under her bed. She selected a random combination of shorts and t-shirt before queuing up her morning run playlist. She noted a text from Gigi and about eleven other people.

G: no idea.

G: u sure it’s one of our girls?

J: Looks like our uniform.

7:00am: Shower

Jan didn’t fuss too much in the shower, rinsing herself down quickly, but making sure to apply her favorite body soap generously along her legs and arms. It smelled like peaches and always reminded her of summertime.

She brushed her teeth in the shower too. When she mentioned offhandedly to Jackie one day the older girl had looked grossed out. Jan didn’t mind.

It was more efficient that way.

7:20am: Breakfast

Jan kissed her mother on the cheek as thanks for another delicious meal.

She fussed after Jan, telling her to be safe on her way to school and to text her when practice was over. Jan assured her mother that she would and skipped out the door, bookbag in tow, without another word.

7:30am: Walk to School

Jackie had taken to walking in the morning with Crystal and her weird art friends recently, so it was just Gigi and Brita that met Jan at her door.

Jan greeted them with a warm smile and made it about halfway down her porch steps before Brita launched into her many theories about who on the cheer team was sleeping with a basketball player.

The picture had made the rounds last night. Jan was up doing an online lab for her college chemistry course when she got the notification.

Yes, she had her notifications on for the school drama account. Sue her, but she liked to be in the know about things.

She immediately recognized their cheer outfit and hadn’t hesitated before contacting every single girl on the team to inquire about who was making out with Eastview High’s All Star basketball player.

No one on the team fessed up.

Jan wasn’t concerned per se. It was their prerogative to make out with whoever, but if this was about to be a scandal, she’d rather be ahead of it.

“When I first saw it I thought it might be you, J,” Brita said, turning to shoot a look at Jan.

“Oh my god, Brittany!” Jan shook her head as if it were the wildest idea she’d ever heard.

“I’m just sayin’.” Brita held her hands up in surrender. “My first thought was good for her. She needs some stress relief.”

“I don’t need that kind of relief.” Jan chuckled.

Brita just hummed skeptically.

Jan turned to look at Gigi who was being awfully quiet that morning, “Who do you think it was, Gigi?”

“I have no idea.” Gigi just shrugged.

Jan wasn’t convinced. Gigi was staring at her shoes like they were the most interesting shoes on the planet. She clearly knew something she wasn’t telling them. Jan made a mental note to prod her for details later.

“Well, the tall one was definitely Hall. That’s for sure,” Brita continued rambling.

“Why do you say that?” Gigi asked innocently.

Now Jan was sure Gigi knew something. Everyone with two eyes and half a brain cell knew the person not in the cheer uniform was Hall. Jaida was the damn captain of the team. The most lauded person in their highschool. Everyone knew what she looked like.

Brita looked at Gigi confusedly. “Besides the obvious, it’s her truck in the picture.”

“It could have just been someone else on her car,” Gigi spoke quietly, clearly losing her nerve.

“I doubt it. Did you see how tall the other person was?” Brita shook her head. “No, it’s definitely Hall.”

The conversation lulled a bit as the three made their way into the school building, through the metal detectors, and headed down the hallway to their lockers. All conveniently located next to each other.

When Gigi had asked how that had happened Jan had just shrugged and said that being student body president had its advantages.

As they sifted through their lockers for their books, Jan mused. “But which one of our girls would be sleeping with Hall?”

Brita thought a moment before holding up a hand to count off her fingers. “Well, start with which ones are gay. Jackie, Gigi-”

Jan cut her off. “You don’t have to be gay to wanna sleep with Hall.”

“Okay, true.” Brita giggled.

“For straight girls, you both sure talk about how hot Jaida is a lot.” Gigi gave them both pointed looks, before continuing. “Besides, half the squad is gay that doesn’t help.”

Brita and Jan agreed and gave up theorizing for now as they waltzed into homeroom with their arms linked.

7:40am Homeroom/Announcements

Jan shot their homeroom teacher a smile before excusing herself to the front office.

While being the student body president did have its perks, it also had its responsibilities. Namely, the announcements every morning.

Jan greeted the ladies at the front desk and spent the better part of ten minutes cooing at pictures and videos of their young children that they always insisted on showing her. Jan never minded. It always made them smile and it made her smile, so it was a win-win.

Principal Visage came by a few moments later. She gave Jan a warm smile and ran her through the announcements for the day, handing over the slip of paper with the same information.

Jan took it eagerly and attempted to strike up a conversation with her principal. But Mrs. Visage wasn’t one for small talk and excused herself shortly after the homeroom bell rang. She gave Jan an encouraging smile, though, before disappearing into her office.

Jan readied herself by the microphone and smiled as a couple of students filed into the office to make announcements for their various clubs.

Bryce showed up at 8:00 on the dot and Jan chastised him for giving her a heart attack. Her VP slash boyfriend of two years just smiled. “You know I’d never leave you hangin’.”

Jan didn’t have time to retort before the bell rang. She took a deep inhale and exhale before pressing down on the intercom and putting on her cheeriest voice.

“Good Wednesday morning Eastview High! I hope you guys are ready for the football game this Friday. Get excited! Go Eagles!” Jan paused to look over at the students in line. “We’ve got quite a few student announcements this morning so I’ll let them take it away.”

Jan moved back and allowed each of the line of students access to the mic to plug their after school activity or club. It was still early in the semester so there were quite a few. Jan herself made plugs for both the cheerleading and soccer teams.

“Now to your VP for the most important announcement, lunch.”

Jan turned to Bryce who smiled goofily. “That was a Jan-mazing joke there!”

Jan could hear groans from the nearby homerooms. She just smiled. Early on in their relationship, Bryce had somehow decided that making puns out of Jan’s name was peak comedy. Although, he had a weird grasp on what counted as a pun. She had tried to explain to him that the joke wasn’t funny unless the word already had an ‘an’ in it. He still didn’t seem to get it.

He even got her a necklace for the anniversary that said Janmate. Like soulmate… but… her name.

She took it all in stride though and forced a laugh anyway.

“For lunch we’ve got chicken and pizza-”

Jan spaced out for a bit as Bryce went on about the menu for today. He cracked a few jokes and the ladies at the front desk practically swooned. Jan rolled her eyes fondly. Bryce had that effect on people.

She closed out the announcements with her encouraging quote of the day and a reminder to get tickets to Friday’s game.

8:15 - 12:20: Classes

Jan was taking all AP classes this semester which meant she had to work ten times harder to keep up with everyone else. Yes, she was still in line for salutatorian, and yes, she could probably get As in every class without lifting a finger, and yes, she was taking college courses in addition to her current course load, and no, she wasn’t overworked.

12:25: Lunch

Jan threw her pile of books in her locker with little regard to how they tumbled against each other at the bottom. She grabbed her purse and Gigi’s hand and the two made their way down to the lunchroom.

Jan waited until they were in line, trays in hand, boxed in by students on either side of them before finally asking, “So what aren’t you telling me?”

Gigi tensed immediately and tried valiantly to keep eye contact with Jan, “What are you talking about?”

Jan grabbed a yogurt from the fridge and turned back to face Gigi. “You know who’s in the picture don’t you?”

“No,” Gigi answered too quickly.

Jan wasn’t convinced. “Well, you know something.”

Gigi grabbed two slices of pizza while shaking her head, “I really don’t, J. Honest.”

They made their way up to the register and Jan smiled warmly at the lady running the machine. She gave her a glare in response. Jan paid for her lunch and waited patiently for Gigi to do the same.

Jan knew she wasn’t going to get anything more out of Gigi. They had grown up together and Jan knew better by now than to keep pushing.

But a little part of her did wonder. “Who are you covering for?”

“No one. I’m not covering for anyone!” Gigi exclaimed.

“I know, I’m teasing.” Jan gave a giggle.

Gigi huffed but allowed a small smile to grace her face.

The two sat down at their usual table. Bryce, Brita, and Brita’s boyfriend Bruno all came and joined them a bit later.

Lunch passed in a blurr. Jan half-listened to Bryce talk about the football team and their upcoming game. The rest of her time was spent worrying her bottom lip between her teeth and mentally running through her lines for her audition tomorrow.

1:25-3:30: Classes

The afternoon always seemed to pass slower to Jan. She noticed three times that her mind had drifted off and away from the work in front of her. She really needed to get a grip. And maybe some more sleep tonight.

4:00pm: Cheer Practice

Jan led the girls through another grueling practice.

Ten laps to start, stretching exercises, pyramid clean up, full routine until they got it perfect.

It was nowhere near perfect when six o’clock hit, but there wasn’t time to dwell on that. There wasn’t time for much of anything.

Roll up the floor mats, change for soccer practice, eat a granola bar on the way to the field.

6:10pm: Soccer Practice

Jan had been playing soccer since she was 5.

Her parents swore she came out of the womb juggling. Jan always laughed and told them that was anatomically impossible. Her father then would say she got her mother’s humor.

Practice was fairly uneventful. Tiring as hell, as usual, but it always left Jan feeling accomplished.

8:00pm: Dinner and Homework

Jan was thankful for the light load today. When the spring musical started up, she would really be stretched thin. Luckily for now she only had cheer every school day and soccer three days a week and soccer games on weekends and her college class every other day and being student body president every day and keeping her 4.0 GPA…

It was manageable. For now at least.

Jan scarfed down the leftovers her mother had set aside for her and started on her pile of work. She was usually good about keeping on top of homework, so it only took a few hours to get everything done. She checked in on her college chemistry course to make sure she had turned in her lab quiz. She had.

When Jan looked up it was already 11pm. She sighed and knew her parents and brother were most likely asleep by now. She would have to practice her audition song outside.

Jan hopped in the shower and rinsed herself off, hoping the steam would help her vocal chords and the grime coming off her like a sheet would help her feel better.

She tiptoed down the stairs and out her back door. She walked to the edge of her backyard and perched herself up on the fence, trying to get distance away from the houses so she didn’t bother anyone.

She shivered as the cool air bit at her exposed ankles.

She started humming softly, reaccustoming her voice to its own music. She took her time, running through warmups softly until she felt secure enough. She let herself get a bit louder and heard their neighbor Rock shut her window pointedly.

Jan sighed. She needed to practice.

She kept going, letting the notes extend past her mouth and fill the night air around her. She counted off in her head and hit each beat perfectly on cue with the music forever spinning in her mind.

A window opened from a nearby house, but it was too dark to see who it was or where it was.

Jan kept going, getting into the chorus and letting her control slip and her voice do what it wanted to. The air around her seemed to crackle with electricity and her heart rate increased as she hit the high note and this… this was what Jan lived for.

The crickets, an appreciative audience continued their chirping as Jan finished the last lyrics.

Somewhere, much closer than was comfortable came a soft clapping. It startled Jan at first.

She looked over to see none other than Jaida Essence Hall leaning over Jan’s fence to applaud her. Jan, ever the performer, gave a mock curtsey and Jaida chuckled lightly.

“Hey, Jaida,” Jan said in greeting.

“Hey, Jan.”

They didn’t do this. They didn’t talk like this. Like friends.

Not that they weren’t friends.

They had grown up together.

Although, Jan grew up with everyone in this neighborhood so that wasn’t really saying much. Although they had all grown up playing games in the middle of the street, running around in the heat slick sun and scraping their knees on solid concrete. And that meant a lot as a kid. It still sometimes meant a lot.

“How are you?” Jan asked.

Jaida’s demeanor suddenly changed and she let out a bitter laugh. “Oh you know.”

“I really don’t.”

There was a pointed pause. “No, I guess you don’t,” Jaida mused.

The silence stretched between them and the once calming air of the outdoors suddenly felt stifling.

“I’m sorry.”

Jaida looked up. “Why? You take the picture?”

“No!” Jan shook her head. “But still. I’m guessing this isn’t how you wanted things to go.”

“You’d guess correct.” Jaida sighed and ran a hand through her hair. “You gon’ ask me who it was? Has she told you yet?”

Jan bit her lip. She wasn’t going to ask, no matter how much she wanted to know. “No. And no. No one told me anything.”

“Hmm. Weird. I woulda thought you knew from the start.” Jaida seemed almost… shocked. Like she figured Jan already knew. Like she figured Jan had this dirt on her and oh, now Jan understood what this was about.

“I don’t know who it was. And even if I did, it’s none of my business.” Jan spoke firmly. “Is that why you came down here then? To make sure I wouldn’t tell?”

“No! Well yes, and no.” Jaida looked down at her feet guiltily. “I knew you weren’t the type to go spreadin gossip, but I wanted to make sure.” Jaida looked back up to meet Jan’s eyes “plus I hadn’t heard you sing since we were little.”

At Jan’s confused expression, Jaida laughed a bit, “You tellin’ me you don’t remember when we were growin’ up and you and Jackie would put on these elaborate plays and keep us all hostage til we clapped?”

“We did not keep you hostage!” Jan exclaimed.

“Roxanne nearly pissed herself one time!”

“She did not!”

A voice rang out above their heads. “Did too!”

Jaida and Jan looked up and over to see Rock leaning out her window to gaze down at them.

“Rock, what the fuck?” Jaida asked in between confused chuckles.

“Sorry, I was just listening to Jan singing and I heard my name so I thought- I just thought I’d- I’ll just go now.” Rock made a show of closing her window, but the shadow of her head was still visible through her curtains, making it clear she was still listening in.

Jan just laughed at the ludicracy of it all. She found Jaida doing the same.

It was strange. That after all this time. All the ways life had changed them, they still stood here, laughing in spite of it all.

Jan and Jaida’s eyes met and for a brief moment it felt a bit like lightning. A bit like they were supposed to be here right now. Together.

Jaida must have realized she was staring because she coughed a bit awkwardly. “Well, I should let you get back to it.”

Jan felt her stomach drop at the notion, but she nodded. “Yeah, yeah. I’ll see you around.”

“Yeah.” Jaida smiled before turning on her heel and disappearing back into her yard. Jan found herself surprised to be missing the other girl’s presence.

She shook it off and went through her song a few more times before deciding to call it a night.

She made sure to shout a goodnight to Rock, who she was sure blushed at being caught out, but returned the sentiment nonetheless.

Jan tiptoed back up the stairs to her room and set her alarm for the morning.

7:22am: Wake Up

Jan woke up like a flash. As if her body instinctively knew something was wrong. The light filtering through her curtains was way too bright for it to be 6:00am. She looked over to her phone and her heart leapt at the time.

She bolted out of bed and threw on the outfit she had laid out the night before. She didn’t have time to do her makeup, a pre-audition ritual she always partook in. She didn’t have time at all before she heard a knock at the front door.

She raced down to see Jackie, Gigi, and Brita all looking at her concerned. She looked a mess probably. Jan tried to give them a reassuring smile and said she’d be right down and she just had to grab her bag and her sheet music.

She closed the door lightly and sprinted up the stairs, grabbing the aforementioned items and giving herself one last onceover in the mirror.

Jan knew this wasn’t the end of the world. In reality, she had only missed her morning run and shower, which was fine. Everything was fine. It didn’t feel like her world was suddenly crashing down around her.

7:35am: Walk to School

The group walked in relative silence. At least for Jan’s part. She was running through her lines over and over and over in her head, while Jackie encouraged her softly and Brita and Gigi talked in hushed tones all the way to school.

Jan hardly even registered the fact that Jackie was walking with them today. When she asked about it, the older girl just shook her head and said not to worry about it. Jan agreed to drop it, if only for the fact that the nerves in her stomach were making it hard to talk.

Jan bid Brita and Gigi goodbye at the auditorium doors. Jackie hung back, clearly sensing that something was wrong.

“Are you okay?” she asked, genuine concern creeping into her voice.

Jan nodded. “Yeah, I just woke up late and it freaked me out.”

Jackie nodded but seemed unconvinced. “Well, you got this.” She gave Jan’s hands a squeeze. “Don’t worry.”

Jan gave her a small smile and nodded.

She did. She totally had this.

She walked into the auditorium, greeted the director and the stage manager and got all the way up on stage before she realized that she actually didn’t have this. That maybe for the first time in her life, Jan really wasn’t going to do well at this.

It was a stupid thought. A silly voice that she could usually shut out.

But now it was the only thing she could hear.

She couldn’t hear the lines being read out to her or the start of her music. Something inside her had snapped and she couldn’t shake the feeling of dread creeping up on her.

As if to further rub salt in the wound, right as she was about to hit the high note, her voice cracked.

Jan wasn’t delusional.

She had known this balancing act would come to an end eventually. She was doing too much. Everyone said so.

But she couldn’t seem to stop herself either. She just had a lot of love in her heart. And she needed to show it somehow.

Or maybe she just wanted to be good at something. So she had tried a bit of everything and when she found that she wasn’t truly exceptional at any one thing she just kept doing everything. Maybe she had been hoping that no one would realize how lost she truly was if she just did everything.

Because Jan felt lost.

And it hit her like a truck everytime she stopped moving. So she hadn’t stopped moving.

She had known this balancing act would come to an end eventually. She just didn’t think everything would come to an end now.

Jan ran out of the auditorium and into someone. She opened her mouth to apologize but a familiar voice cut her off before she was able.

“Hey, I was just gonna come wish you luck-” Jaida took in Jan’s frazzled appearance. “Are you okay?”

Jan looked up at her, tears blurring her vision that much more. “I-I-” Jan could hardly speak, let alone explain all that was wrong with her at that moment.

“What do you need?” Jaida said seriously.

“I don’t know.” Jan’s voice sounded strange in her own head and she couldn’t stop gasping for air. She hardly noticed the crowd that was quickly forming around them.

“Okay, come here, people are starin’.” Jaida grabbed Jan’s hand and led her out the nearest doors and out to the back parking lot.

Jan was still breathing heavily and doing her best to articulate the fact that she still had to go do the announcements.

“Nuh-uh, baby, you gonna stay right here till you can breathe again,” Jaida asserted.

Jan tried to insist that she had things to do, places to be. Jaida just sat her down against the cold brick wall of their high school and assured her that everything was going to be fine. Jan went to argue, but the sight of familiar red curls coupled with unfamiliar dark ones caught her eye.

Bryce, Jan’s boyfriend of two years, came stumbling out from under the bleachers with a petite brunette following close behind him.

Jan recognized her immediately. Dahlia.

Bryce had this giddy smile on his face and looked to all the world like he had just had the time of his life. Dahlia was just laughing at him and clutching the strap of her book bag like it was a lifeline. The pair didn’t see Jan and Jaida at first.

If Jan had any more pride left in her; she’d feel remorseful for yelling at him.

But she didn’t.

She stood up and started screaming at the top of her lungs about how much of a scumbag he was. About how he never really cared about her and was only ever in their relationship for the VP position. It made perfect sense to Jan why he would cheat. And with Dahlia no less. A girl she looked nothing like.

Jaida had to steer her away from the pair of lovebirds or Jan was going to do something really stupid.

“Hey, hey, it’s not worth it.” Jaida tried to speak calmly.

Jan wasn’t having it. She pulled out her phone with every intention of recording her cheating boyfriend and his side chick when she saw a notification from the school’s drama account.

She had been tagged in a picture.

Before she could think too much about it, Jan clicked on the post. She felt dread seeping into her stomach. The picture was of her and Jaida standing awfully close outside the auditorium. Jan’s heart nearly gave out at the caption.

A player on and off the court.

Before Jan could process what the hell that meant her phone lit up with notifications.

She managed to single out Brita’s name from the bunch and opened their conversation. Jan could feel hot tears pricking the edges of her eyes, which only served to blur her phone screen more.

B: y didn’t u tell us u were the one making out with Hall?

That was the final straw.

Jan broke down.

She broke down. At 7:58am on a Thursday morning, leaning against a dirty brick wall with a girl she hadn’t spoken to in years dabbing at her eyes with the edge of her shirt.

[ruler-of-all-burgers-maya]

Alright, so it’s like 7:40am, I’m sleep deprived because my sleeping schedule is shit once again and I couldn’t go to sleep earlier, and I think I finally wanna get something off my chest here. I’ve talked about it with a few people, but never talked about it publicly. I’ll put it under a read more so anyone who doesn’t wanna read it can pass right by. And no, it’s not negativity, so don’t worry about that. 

It’s about what really killed my muse for Maya.

So, where am I going with this? What do I want to get off my chest? Well, you know those posts talking about how if there’s a blog making you uncomfortable, you have the right to unfollow and block that blog, even if its your friends blog because being on here shouldn’t be suffering and you shouldn’t have to see things you don’t wanna see? Well, I’m 100% for that! Absolutely! Hell, one of my friends did that to this blog, and after asking about this using my personal blog (because I thought I might have done something wrong and I wanted to correct that if I did), they explained their reasoning and all was well. I understood it and moved on. They unblocked me months later but they also ended up leaving tumblr not too long after so there’s that- 

This leads me to this point...

You know what I’m not down for? 

I’m not down for someone ghosting another person via not answering their asks when off anon yet answering when on anon, not responding to Tumblr DM’s, and then when asked about this on Discord because of the benefit of the doubt that Tumblr was being shit as usual, them saying that we’re still cool and nothing is wrong. Then being blocked.

I spent 6 months of intense anxiety every time I looked at this blog because I didn’t know what to do and what I did that led to this. We were close friends, talking almost every day and yelling about a lot of topics and AU’s. I remember even talking about going to visit them when I got the money. And yet, out of nowhere, they stopped talking to me, told me that we were still cool on Discord and still friends, then unfollowed and blocked me. 

I’m fine with being unfollowed/blocked, but to do so after saying that we’re still cool and that Tumblr must be being an ass as usual which is why they never got my messages, is such a shit move. It pretty much killed almost all my muse for Maya, which was already getting low due to different interests.

If I did something wrong, I wish they told me so I could correct what I did and learn from it. I know I’m not as active and therefore as extreme as I use to be, but if I ever do something that upsets someone or makes them uncomfortable, PLEASE let me know. I’d rather not deal with anxiety like that again.

At this point I’ve moved on to different fandoms to write for and am currently trying to get what’ll hopefully be a career to take off, but this shit still haunts me man. And while I no longer feel that anxiety and am pretty good about not thinking about this, I sometimes just can’t help but wonder...

What did I do wrong?

[diaryformytravels]

#28 Orlando (Day 2)

It’s Morgs here, writing on behalf of both of us. Jasper is being my assistant writer tonight, as he’s a little exhausted from the day. Fair enough, it was a whopper.

After an awful night’s sleep on the sofa bed, we woke up at 5:40am to get ready for the day at Animal Kingdom (Disney). Everyone was more on time this morning, which was very lovely and quite bewildering. An adjustment from yesterday’s route, today we stopped by Starbucks to Mikko and Michelle could get a coffee. Approaching the park, Max and Michelle were talking (instead of Michelle directing Mikko, because it was the same route as yesterday and there are signs everywhere), Mikko missed the exit. After blame was placed, we found our way back on the right road. Pulling up to the park, Jasper and I began to grow suspicious. There were no other cars around, and the parking people just waved us through without having to pay or anything. Michelle insisted that the park opened at 7/7:30am, and it was now 6:30am. Nevertheless, we gave into our doubts and googled it. The park opened at 9am. 

We were stranded, waiting. At least we were the first ones there! After debating whether to book breakfast or anything, we decided to wait at the front to remain in prime position to get on the Avatar rides. Max insisted he wasn't going to wait for the ride if it was longer than 20 minutes. After seeing J and I’s appalled faces, he insisted he was going. We were at the rope from just before 7am until they let us through at 8:15am. Supposedly, you’re not allowed to run at Disney parks. We agreed we would instead “walk with purpose”. This was apparently abandoned by Michelle and Max, so Jasper and I had to follow. There were staff yelling everywhere “please WALK” and I’m thinking how much I hate running and mornings and breaking rules. We made it to the Avatar land, Pandora, but we had to wait behind a human wall of more staff. We were still very close to the front at this stage. They then walked us to the ride, which is when chaos ensued. Max and Michelle were darting through the crowd in a way we could not follow. Fat Americans were pushing, people were elbowing, parents dragging their kids to go faster. I imagine this is what hell is like. The crowds were not obeying the commands of staff, unlike J and I. Of course, we lost Michelle and Max by the time we got to the ride. They texting telling us to push past people and say we were separated, but no way were we going to do that. So they had to wait for us!

Last time, we saw the line for this ride get up to 3 hours long, and since Fast Pass isn't available for this one, there’s no other way to get on it. Luckily for us, by the time we walked to the front of the line we were practically let straight on. The ride itself was quite disappointing I found. Yes, it was a nice ride, but it was just a 4D one, and after the level of interaction and attention to detail evident in the Star Wars world yesterday, it did not come close. Lining up for over half an hour would be a waste. Basically, we sat on these things meant to resemble the bird things in the movie, and flew around. It was a huge screen and good effects, but not as cool as yesterday. M: 6.5/10, J: 7.5/10

We then did the river ride, also in Avatar land. We had it booked for 3pm Fast Pass, but if we did it now, we wouldn’t have to wait around. We also got straight on this one. God, it was awful. I haven't been on it, but apparently its like It’s A Small World. Nothing happened, but it was air-conditioned and pretty. Note, it also reaches lines of around 2 hours. M: 3/10, J: 3/10

We walked out of the Avatar area to go and find a Starbucks. On the way, we passed the line for the first Avatar ride, which was now over 180 minutes (there was a sign saying that wait time from a certain point, but there were so many people behind there!). This was at 8:45am, before the park had even officially opened!! Anyway, Michelle got a coffee, Max got a strawberry drink, and then we set off to find some hotdogs. Spoiler alert: there were none. We searched everywhere! And we were all getting a bit cranky by then. Eventually Michelle convinced us to get bacon and egg burgers which were good. 

Next, we did the Everest ride with the yeti. The Fast Pass worked really well on this ride, we barely had to wait at all. Max asked Michelle to wait for the front seats, but when the time came around, he said he didn't want to sit in the front. This meant J and I could! It was VERY fun and actually quite scary. Similar to the log flood at Movie World in QLD, but more rollercoaster (goes through the mountain, backwards, in the dark etc). By the time we got off the ride, we regretted eating those burgers. M: 9/10, J: 8/10

After this we went on the Safari (which was a hassle trying to change the Fast Pass time so we could go early). It was better than the last time we came, because the sun was out and thus the animals were out! We saw giraffes, lions, flamingos, hippos and so many more cool things. I took a few photos on the disposable camera, hopefully they turn out okay. I loved it because Max and I were on the sides, but my side had all the better animals. Karma. M: 10/10, J: 7/10

We went for lunch at this Asian place that had awful food. Max threw a tanty because he wanted what J and I ordered (a sharing dim sum plate thing). Michelle is trying to be more strict about his food, meaning that he can only order one thing and must eat it all. They played hang man, and then Jasper cracked it when he thought Michelle helped Max get the answer. 

By now it was about 1pm, so we made our way to the Lion King show. On the way, Max was distracted by some performers, and so was this man walking towards us. They collided, sending Max full-force into me, to which he went elbow first (straight in the ribs). I don't think he even noticed. We bought it up in the line for the show, he fully denied the incident. Michelle gave him a talking to (finally she kind of took it semi-seriously) about needing to apologise. Eventually, he said “sorry” with the grumpiest, least sincere face and tone I've ever witnessed. J and I had to turn away so we didn’t laugh in his face. He then complained that he “hurt his finger”. She coddled him. I wanted to die. The show itself was actually amazing! The dancers were great, the singers were great, it was just the best. There was some debacle between Michelle/Max and a staff member (still unclear what happened), but essentially she called them rude. They could not believe this. M: 9/10, J: 8.5/10

On the way out, we did some shopping (Jasper got a shirt). We got Mikko to pick us up, because there’s not really all that much to do at Animal Kingdom. Michelle had asked him to ask the hotel if we could change rooms, so Jasper and I could have appropriately sized beds and less noise from the highway outside the window. Mikko handled this by moving us to a different room that granted, is a lot quieter, but is the exact same bedding situation. Apparently all of the rooms are like this. Then why didn't they book somewhere else? We left Max in the new room while the rest of us went to pack our stuff from the other one. When we got here, Michelle broke the news to Max that he would in fact be on the sofa bed tonight, so J and I got a bed each (since we didn't fit in one). He did NOT like this. He went on about how this holiday/life is always about “what they want” and the sofa bed is too far from Michelle and Mikko, and how they never give him what he wants. This was somewhere between infuriating and hilarious. Either way, we got the beds. 

We had a rest before going to Disney Springs for dinner again. We made a plan that perhaps Mikko and Max would leave early (after dinner) and then Michelle, J and I could go shopping without being rushed. We got to the restaurant we booked, they decided they didn't like it, so we set off for the expensive steak place. Of course, they couldn't rebook it because they were being dumb about it. I actually ate my entire meal and a third of each of the sides (winning). It was very expensive though. We walked to get dessert (cookie dough which was disgusting). Max insisted he get a lightsaber, so he and Mikko went to do that while us three went to a shop. They finished, having a lightsaber each, and we went to a shop I found lots of stuff in last time. They waited outside for a while, then came inside and Max complained. I got heaps of cool stuff, but Max wouldn’t stop going on about how we were there for half an hour (don't think we were). 

Now at home again, very tired. Doing more shopping tomorrow while Max and Mikko are at golf, thank the lord. Feels weird being on opposite sides of the room, but at least we have a door!

Love you x

[bohemian-socialite]

Why I NEEDED the COVID-19 (Coronavirus) Quarantine... 8 Ways the Pandemic put Life into Perspective...

"If you don't come out of this with a new skill..." blah Blah..BLAH! Whatever. Look, Here's the thing. Some of us have been running ourselves into the deep end since birth. I exaggerate but NO!

..and DON'T COME FOR those of us who used this inconvenience to pause reset and re-align our lives. So before anyone asks what "new skill" you "learned" during the quarantine... Don't feel bad for saying these 8 things.. because i surely do not feel bad about.

1.Quality Time with my S/O-

My husband and I have been married for nearly 6 years.. and because we were in the middle of our life grind when we tied the knot, naturally, we did not go on a "honeymoon," and have yet to do so to this day. (Yes we've gone on trips but not an actual honeymoon.) We were more focused on my husband getting settled in his career, me finishing school, getting rid of debt and buying a home. Needless to say, the COVID-19 quarantine was an opportunity for us to really spend some quality time together, without the hustle and bustle of airports or family gatherings, etc. and this type of quality time was so much more intimate than a "vacation would be. Plus, might i add, that we are both very hard working people! So sometimes, a vacation for us would be just taking a day or two off and staying home to play a new video game for him, and for me to just to take care of things that you need to take care of.

2. An Opportunity to Relax, Rest, Be Lazy AF and to have my PEACE HUNTY!

I'm not exactly the nicest morning person, but I am an early riser, thus, a morning person. On most days, I'm up by 4AM, at the gym by 4:30AM and headed out the door by 6:40AM to take my butt to work. But ya'll... not having anywhere to go, or a damn thing to do, for once in my life, brings a sense of refreshment that no ice cold drink, on a desert summer day, could give you. CHIIIILE... let me tell you about how good I slept in! I don't even really do this on the weekends!! But man quarantine has a way of your body making a schedule for you. I followed my body's schedule for the entire time, and BABAY.. IT FELT GOOD! We're always running and pressed for time, or punching someone else's time clock and the beauty of sleeping until my brain woke me up was glorious!

3. Patience puts $#!t into perspective.

This is so simple... but it stuck with me and helped me see things from a different point of view. I posted about this on my IG and tumblr. (Check me out on social media! =====>) But I'll put it into context.... at one point, EVERYTHING and EVERYONE got on my everlasting nerve... OKAY?! I had to ask myself.. "Is this really annoying me, or am I that irritable?" 9 times out of 10 it was the latter of the two. So these 3 things helped me to calm TF down before I popped off!

Be Patient with Myself.

Be Patient With Others.

Be Patient with Time.

...and this kind of became my daily mantra. It helped open my mind, heart and ears to those around me and myself.

4. Re-Connecting- with old friends, family and making new friends .

I'm a very social person and in recent years, ironically, I've picked up on some introverted tendencies. Nevertheless, this is something that we were all able to do. I saw and spoke to family member and friends, that some of which, I hadn't seen or spoken to in nearly 10 years (Judge Yourself!). I'm kind of embarrassed about it BUT you know... LIFE HAPPENS bruh... You turn around and blink and its been a decade. Next think you know, your friends's kids are getting driver's licenses and tattoos. LIKE WTF?! Either way, I was happy to link back up and talk about some of the fun and stupid things we did, and even making plans to see each other again soon. It was nice to have something to look forward to and something that would add value to those relationships.

5. I was actually productive....

...with the $#!t I wanted to be productive with...Let's get that part straight! I'd always dreamed of a job where I could work from home, with my laptop, and video conference calls and whatnot. And when I got that wish... my productivity SKYROCKETED... for about 2 weeks. (I'd exhausted all of my work by then and was waiting for new things to do.) After the 2 weeks, I started working on home projects that I'd left unfinished or never even started. In the evenings, I would work on my personal projects, which I would never have the energy for after a long day of work.

No, it wasn't a new skill, but I figured out where I wanted to go with everything I was doing. I was able to redevelop, recreate, and repurpose my vision... Thus, "The Bohemian Socialite," Blog . :)

6. Self-Care became a "thing"... for me at least

Now don't get me wrong, I love a trip to the nail or hair salon. I'm a sucker for facials and masssages. BUT.. where was I gona go to do that... if everything in the free first world was closed?!

Oh... but there is a place.... YOUTUBE hunnty! I started watching other people's 67-step morning-care routines. Never in my life would i EVER do a 67 step routine. However, in watching these videos, I realized that my skin and face could use some extra care. And because I'm on this new sustainable beauty journey, I figured, WHY TF NOT?! And I did... And it was good.  I'm sure my body will reward me when I'm older for this.

I applaud everyone who does anything of this nature consistently. Quaratine taught me to incorporate some sort of self care or you will surely lose yourself. Not gona lie, TBH for a few days the struggle was real But i bounced back even better baby. :)

Not only did i revamp y skin care routine, but I also revisited some of my favorite past-times and hobbies, like roller skating, painting, yoga and meditation. It felt good and I needed it. It made me feel beautiful and sexy again, just spending the time to take care of myself internally and externally.

7. Supporting Local Businesses and being an Advocate for other Small Business Owners

I'm not even going to go into extensive detail... but my community needed my support and I was able to do it proudly. Not just local businesses, but my friends' and families' businesses as well. And it was in easy, simple and mostly FREE ways.

8. Regained my appreciation for life, nature, silence, the things I have and creativity.

I needed the hard reset. In fact, I think we all needed a hard reset or re-calibration of our lives. The entire world was literally just grounded by mother nature herself. We were doing too much.. and she said we need to sit TF down and shut TF up. Some people embraced it for what it was. Others, did stupid $#!t. like...protest. <insert BIGGEST eye roll>

Either way, we were reflective of what nature and life was telling us.

The whole Quarantine, Covid-19, Coronavirus debauchery, was what I needed to recenter myself and re-evaluate my goals and plans for the future.

Have you looked into how the pandemic has changed your life?

I want to know if your experience was similar to mine, or if you want to add something, leave me a comment. :)

[london-mcgarr]

Murder! Rhetorically Speaking

The Murder: 

On June 6th, 2010, Mark Smith, a cyber security engineer at SmartLock Technology, was found dead, at around 10:37PM that night, in the company’s parking garage. After many missed calls, Rachel Smith, Mark’s wife, decided to call Mark’s bestfriend and co-worker, Scott Anderson. Anderson reported to Mrs. Smith that he had last seen Mark when he clocked out at 5:30 that evening. Mrs. Smith, now worried, phoned the police as it was now 10:15PM, and Mark had never worked that late before. The 911 operator then dispatched the patrol unit nearest to Mark’s office at around 10:30 that night, and when the officers arrived on-scene they found Mark’s lifeless body surrounded by a pool of blood, coming from what looked to be about a dozen stab wounds. The two officers then requested back-up, and proceeded to secure the area. By the time I arrived at the parking garage, it was 11:28PM, and there were about three patrol cars there, six officers in total, and the coroner was en route to our location. The victim was lying on his front side, his right arm stretched above his head, and while his left arm lay limp at his side. Visibley, there were multiple stab wounds to the victim’s back, as well as bruising and lacerations covering the victim’s hands. It was quite obvious that the victim had been attacked from behind, struggled with his assailant, and eventually endured the many stab wounds he died from. After the coroner arrived, he determined the victim’s time of death to be at about 9:45 that night, and that he had about 9 stab wounds in total, 7 to the back, and two to the victim’s abdominal area, most likely obtained during the struggle. The items found on the victim included his wallet (still containing his money and driver’s license), his company ID card, the keys to his Audi, and a smaller loose key found in his front pocket. The victim’s body was transported to the city morgue at around 12:45 in the morning, and the forensic unit continued to collect additional evidence until about 1:23AM. At approximately 1:40AM, I was the last to leave the scene after releasing 2 of the 3 patrol units, leaving one behind to surveil the area until another unit could relive them.

Getting In Touch With Your Inner Detective:

1. My report begins with discussing the who, what, where, when and how the body came to be discovered, and ends with me leaving the crime scene and who was watching it when I left.

2. I found myself adding the details that are usually included in crime shows because I watch a ton of those, and I didn’t include the tedious details, like the names of each officer on the scene or who went to inform Mrs. Smith and at what time she was notified. I find these details tedious because they don’t really center around the victim himself.

3. I used language that is primarily used in true-crime podcasts and other shows where law-enforcement reports are read. They are usually formal, but also straight to the point.

4. I used a candid and direct tone in my description of the crime scene.

5. I organized my information into the order that it was discovered.

6. Again, I watch way too many crime shows, and listen to way too many podcasts about true crime. Therefore, I just mirrored the character that law-enforcement is often depicted as in those.

Coroner’s Report: 

At about 10:45PM on 06/06/10, the coroner on duty, (Dr. Martin Weisman, myself) was requested at the parking garage on Roosevelt, connected to the SmartLock facility. I arrived at around 11:45 PM, and proceeded to record any initial findings about the body (i.e., its appearance, temperature, etc), and determined the time of death to be at approximately 9:45 that night (06/06/10). After transporting the body back to the morgue, I performed a full autopsy and discovered 9 stab wounds, as well as contusions on the victim’s chest, as well as bruising on the victim’s face and hands- most likely from falling to the ground. The victim’s hands were also covered in small lacerations, concentrated around his knuckles, which is consistent with patterns of struggle, insinuating that the victim was trying to fight back. Although the victim had 9 stab wounds, the cause of death for Mark Smith was ultimately exsanguination (blood loss). The fatal stab wound occured to the lateral, right anterior side of the victim, which lacerated the victim’s right coronary artery. After the victim died, rigor mortis began to take effect, and was in its beginning stages when I arrived, which is why the victim’s approximate time of death is 9:45 PM, but could have occured in a window of about 9 p.m. to 10 p.m. There are no visible signs of scarring or tattoos on the body. The body of Mark Smith is currently located here, at the Hillside Morgue, and is being kept in freezer 29B.

Eulogy: 

Mark Smith was a wonderful husband to wife, Rachel, and father to daughters, Isabel and Sage. Mark was one of the most talented engineers at SmartLock and helped the company soar to new levels of greatness, earning it one of the best reputations in the field. As a kid Mark would always talk about how his biggest dream in life was to be a dad- and thanks to Rachel I am happy to say that Mark fulfilled that dream. We aren’t always guaranteed the longest life, but I know for Mark living a full life was more important to him. Mark was a smart man, an honest man, but most importantly he was a good man. I hope that we will all remember Mark as the man he was and the life he strived to live. Isabel and Sage, please know that dad is always looking over you, and Rachel- Mark will always be by your side. May he rest in peace.

Closing argument: 

Thank you, Your Honor, and members of the jury for being so patient these last few weeks as we try to bring justice to Mark Smith’s wife and two daughters. As you all know, Mark Smith was blackmailed by the defendant, threatening the lives of his family if he did not comply with the plan. On June 6th, 2010, Mark Smith was to re-enter SmartLock after all other employees had gone home for the day. In the security logs, please note Exhibit A, we can see that Mr. Smith unlocked the door to his office at around 7:30 that night. According to the plan the defendant had outlined for Mr. Smith in an email, Exhibit B, he was to transfer all secure shares of the new cyber currency, “Compu-coin” into the unmarked, off-shore that the defendant had secured. Such protected files within the company required intensive work, especially if it were to go undetected- which is why the defendant, CEO of SmartLock itself, blackmailed his top technical engineer into doing so. Now, members of the jury, I want you to look over there at the tiny, sweet face’s of Mark Smith’s daughters as I continue to what happened next. Ladies and gentleman of the jury, the defendant knew that a man like Mark Smith would not have been able to keep a secret like this- which is why he had his computer bugged to show him exactly what Mark was doing on his computer. While transferring the cyber currency, Mark was able to purposely make what seemed like a minor mistake with one of the accounts, as it is one of the warning signs that the cyber division of the FBI watches for. An small error like this would have ensured that the transfer was investigated. Sadly, the defendant, John Conway watched as Mark did this, from a remote location. After Mark finished, he walked to his car, and probably ran, quite frankly, because he thought he had just lifted the price from his wife and kids’ heads. What he didn’t realize, though, was that he had just put a price on his own. The defendant slipped out from a darkened corner of the parking garage and proceeded to stab Mark Smith- his employee, the father to Isabel and Sage and husband of Rachel, nine times. Nine times. I wonder what it was he said to you, John, as he was gasping for his last breath. Was he begging you to stop? Did he ask for mercy? The truth is, ladies and gentlemen, is that we will never know what those final words were. In fact, we will never hear any words again from Mark Smith- the defendant, John Conway made sure of that. I am asking you today to serve the justice that Mark fought so hard to obtain. If not for Mark, then for his family that must live the rest of their lives knowing what this monster did to their dad. I am urging you all to come back with a verdict of guilty. Thank you.

Discussion:

1. I found the closing argument to be the easiest to write because it is essentially all about emotion and writing things in way that stirs your audience. I personally find the structure of a courtroom argument to be quiet poetic, so I have a certain appreciation for this kind of writing.

2. I thought the coroner report to be the most difficult because I found myself pausing to think of more medical terms and trying to remember what the anatomical names for the positions of the body were and it just made the whole process of writing the report slower.

3. The rhetorical situation of academic writing is the prompt or assignment in which you are responding to because this is supposed to be the springboard for whatever analysis or prose is expected of you, as a student and such. The audience is always going to be others involved in academia, whether that be other students, professors or those just interested in the topic. For most academic writing, the tone should always be direct on some level, but I don’t think there should be a universal tone for this genre, as that would defeat the purpose of considering all parts to the piece and not just the one. For academic writing, the jargon is usually formal words that don’t repeat (so using a Thesaurus a lot would help). Anything essential to the central idea will most likely be included, but unnecessary tangents that people often talk about when they speak will probably be excluded from an academic paper.

[pretty-volatile]

Journal entry

Thursday, June 6th, 2019 1:40am

So I realized I haven't really journaled in a hot minute and I'm trying to keep track of shit so I know what to bring up when I finally see the psychiatrist.

First of all, only 15 more days until my appointment. I'm still self medicating with weed, but my usage varies day to day. Some days I don't need to smoke AS much, some days I need a lot of help, some days I'm okay but I just want to have fun. My tolerance is higher so I can do daytime use without being affected really. I feel it helps with the anger episodes too. It used to teeter between being helpful/unhelpful for when I was feeling down. Sometimes it would make the overthinking worse because it'd be harder to pull myself out. Lately, I've been exploring my emotions more and being high just helps me open up but kind of numbs some of the pain I might experience. It's more of an emotional trip.

Second of all, I really fucked up this quarter. I'm a 4th year college student and I had already accepted that I need longer, but like. I am worried that I might get kicked out lol. I was Subject to Dismissal ever since I failed my entire Winter Quarter 2018. Oops. Then the next quarter I thought I was going to be able to pick shit back up but then I couldn't keep up so I dropped out of the quarter Week 10 (literally the last week of the quarter lolol). Ever since then I've been trying so damn hard to keep school up while my mental health just kept failing me. I'd start out new every new beginning of a quarter and then by Week 4 I'd start falling behind because I just didn't want to do anything. I couldn't. But then there was a time or two that I was able to pick my ass back up and got decent enough grades to go onto the next thing. This quarter started out pretty well. I was on top of shit til about Week 5 or 6 or something. But I fucking finally cracked this quarter. I had started to pick up on some of my habits, and then I looked up Borderline Personality Disorder and I just lost it. I opened the floodgates to some memories that I had forgotten about or blocked out. Everything started to connect and I started to experience trauma on top of present reality. It was TERRIBLE. Still is but like. It was just so overwhelming to recognize things I didn't even know I did or I didn't know that they weren't okay. Then I reached out to my therapist and I was like I think I have BPD. Of course she couldn't diagnose me because she's not a psychiatrist, but she has experience with supper groups for folx with BPD and she has experience with DBT. But she kept bringing up that she thought it was more likely that I have bipolar disorder. I was still set on BPD. Trying to think of all the symptoms that I experience and match with. I was obsessed with proving there was something wrong with me or that I needed help. Part of me was also thinking "There has to be something wrong because if not, then I really am just a piece of shit...." My insomnia has been pretty bad, which the only thing that helps is...you guessed it!....weed. which sometimes it fed into it too so I'd have to smoke so much that I didn't know what the fuck I was doing. I started to accept the possibility of bipolar disorder too and I was trying to pay attention to my mood(s) more too. Since I was aware of the symptoms of BPD and then later on bipolar, I was starting to pick up when a change was starting to happen so I could warn my partner. At one point my mood was like I was starting over again every single day. It'd start out moderately good and then by the end of the night I'd be breaking down crying about how I didn't want to go to bed just to start the whole day over again. During that time it was EXTREMELY hard to pull myself out of my depression/emptiness. Then once that nightmare stopped my mood switched to being hypomanic for about 6 days. Then right when I needed to get my shit together for school, I started to fall again. At first it was a numb "I don't want to do anything, life is dull, what's the point, fuck it". Then I just became really really sad overall. I didn't want to get out of bed or do chores. I didn't go to class. It was just TOO MUCH but like it made me feel like shit because I knew I needed to go.

Oh and all while I was experiencing most of this, my therapist has been away on medical leave since May 17th and the last time that I actually talked to her was yesterday (6/5 @ 1pm) but it was just for a brief 20 minute call. But we'll be able to pick things right back up when she gets back. I only have to wait 11 more days, so that's good.

Oh and my like impulsive behaviors/reckless shit (for me) was like spending money on food outside of groceries way more than I should have....I got a really bad case of the fuck its and I couldn't really say no because if I didn't buy snacks and food that we didn't have to make we wouldn't have eaten (we as in my partner & I) because of my lack of motivation and energy to do anything at all. I got to use my eating disorder as an excuse to feed into my impulses, oops. Oh and of course I'm addicted to smoking cigarettes and like I smoke weed all the fucking time so I guess those could be some other "reckless" behaviors :P I don't really drink much because of my mother's alcoholism and PTSD. I've had tendencies in the past and when I turned 21 I had a bit of a freak out, but now I'm just like. I'll drink if everyone else is too or if it's for a show or if I just wanted some tall can of yummy stuff at home. Otherwise I REALLY prefer being stoned. It lasts longer. There's not really any PTSD associated with it, debatable but still. It helps me get over the anxiety of dealing with people or strangers specifically. Unfamiliar places with a shit ton of people are definitely a trigger for some panic episode or anger episode. I'll turn into a sour bitch for no reason other than that all the people freaked me out that much. I'm very much like I want a whole separate world for my partner & I and our friends so that we don't have to deal with shitty or creepy people....I like people once I get to know them and stuff but otherwise I'm just like SocIalIZing? Psssh ha...no. That also made it difficult to go to class because I got antisocial as fuck. I LOVE going for walks and doing errands while stoned and listening to music, but like...interacting with people? Having attention drawn onto me? Nooooooo thanx.

Finding out the BPD stuff though weirdly helped me to start talking to other humans again? Kind of? I mean it was mostly me like venting or whatever but I was actually talking to people? (Via messaging mostly) lololol the funniest thing is that a fp was the reason I even looked up BPD. I developed a "crush" first and then later I looked up BPD because I was like ya know... I wanna know. I looked it up once before because there was a time that we thought my mom had BPD. Come to find out, she had bipolar instead. But I remember the first time I looked it up I was like "ha! Some of these symptoms/signs are personally calling me out" but I was mostly looking at it to understand my mom so I wasn't really thinking about myself that much. Plus when I looked it up first, I was still disassociating pretty bad that I wasn't entirely aware of what I was doing or how I was feeling. But when I looked it up the second time... literally EVERYTHING or just about everything that was coming up was exactly how I was feeling or how I have felt in the past. Then I found out about the Favorite Person thing and I was like oof, that's some...that's some shit right there. I still have to sort out what relationships/crushes were actually crushes or just a fp thing that eventually faded away into me not talking to them anymore. That was really fun to admit to my fp that they were the reason I looked up BPD. Lol but we did have a good conversation and like I tried to talk to other people that either understood second hand or first hand. Another person I talked to has BPD, and the other already has mental health issues and his fiance has BPD (so they both understand). Found I am/was an fp to another person that I apparently inspired him to finally go get the help he needs, but like he just had to fuck it up recently by bringing up a touchy subject. I can only imagine how angry or upset he is with me for not responding, which is also why I don't want to answer because I'm too scared with that kind of pressure of being someone's fp 😭😓🙈🙊 sorry bud....just had to bring up something that happened to be a touchy topic 😅

Lately I've really been trying to use music to get me through shit again. Back in high school all I would do at home was stay up, listen to music, draw, write poetry, watch movies, stay up on my phone or laptop. And I was creative as fuck! I've been trying to listen to old music, which also helped me realized just how much help I need(ed) because of how much I would relate to this music and this music was like really deep and really...just it was concerning that is as so young and connecting with what these adults are singing about. It also helped unlock memories. unlocked old feelings. Lots of drifting. But now my music listening is a little more controlled and I used to go on these emotional trips full of memories and just letting myself get swept off into it. I probably can only do this successfully since I eventually said fuck it to the rest of this quarter. (I saved one class but uh unless my professors can make my BPD/bipolar go away then there's nothing we can do.) But like the emotional trips have been really therapeutic for me honestly. Sometimes I feel a little "aw fuck that's all I did today, oops". But other than that it's been helpful. I was also able to draw! I've done like 3 drawings within the like past week ish. Which is more than I thought I'd be able to do. For the longest time I was so blocked off from my emotions and thoughts, I'd feel like drawing but once I sat down it was hard to start it or finish it. Or I'd be able to do like 1 good one every few months. Back in high school I was constantly drawing and even into the beginning of college, but once I started disassociating it was like bye bye creative motivation. Obviously I don't want to take advantage of this burst of creative motivation but like it feels REALLY good. I eventually want to get back into poetry too. I'm actually an art hoe, but when I disassociated I like had no drive to document anything nor the mental capacity/awareness to connect the dots. Which really cramped on me being artsy because my whole art experience is fluid, just let it take me where I need to go. I did some poetry within the last year though. Mainly relating to addiction/alcoholism/insomnia. I'm very much an emotional set type person. It's almost always centered around a feeling or situation that invokes feelings/thoughts.

Okay that's even impressive that I got this much of journaling done, but I think I should stop now. This is long enough and now my thoughts are just kinda scattered and I'm too tired to keep coming back to any points I'm making. This was meant to just be a check in but it turned into like a full on documentation of how I've been feeling or whatever. Whew exhausted. Maybe I'll jot shit down again later after I reread my post later. Goodnight for now ✌

[wildlyhardphilosopher-blog]

Crate Training Your Puppy | Best Methods

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Crate Training Your Puppy | Best Methods

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Usually I don’t fill in feedbacks, but when I really like something or I am really unsatisfied with something, I do. – Mait Kukk Working Dogs Horse New South Wales Apprenticeships Want your dog to be able to easily handle walking down a crowded, busy street? Natural approach to dog training Salisbury Highway Veterinary Surgery Membership fees are payable. Membership Peticulous These behaviours are all normal and it’s likely your buddy’s behaviour will change as the program continues. It is important to concentrate on your dog’s development and not compare them to others in the class. Your trainer will ensure that each dog receives individual attention throughout the course. Reptile Show all Distance Learning Course ^ Jump up to: a b c d Burch, Mary R. (1 August 2012). “The Evolution of Modern-Day Dog Training”. National Animal Interest Alliance. Retrieved 30 November 2012. © Vetwest Animal Hospitals 2018 Meet the team and learn more about Sharon’s qualifications and memberships. 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[thecoroutfitters]

I has been delayed this morning simply by One hour. They are the procrastinators that need concentrates on to www.unt.edu hold prompted. Just about the most widespread your woman sorted because deadliners. I’ve tried trance, meditation, notes, etcetera. Bring a magazine, call someone a person haven’t talked to in a while, or perhaps check out your current agenda for a few days. People normally understand multiple lateness individuality. Even so, if someone else is definitely past due, lifestyle the remainder military hang on giving you, simply just so they might take; but while they could hesitate along with skip chow, meals is part to your Affiliate marketer.

When you’re late, an individual decrease the value of your own manufacturer. “Well of course only were being an important purchaser this might donrrrt you have occurred in the first place.” And so your woman kept as well as worked out the condition causing us to be Six min’s later for that planned visit. In the Army (in almost any side branch to become much more precise) tardiness is unacceptable, and so due to being https://www.mei.edu/experts/abbas-assi on moment is important. There isn’t need to present suggestions about ways to perform occasion, since everybody knows tips on how to be on moment. Below you’ll uncover Six methods for currently being timely. Accomplish this: Every time your companion is definitely overdue by simply 15 minutes or more, the lady will pay for delicacy. “well you are in this article now, that’s what matters” he / she responded happily.

Why Perform Moment? We have witnessed an abundance of a few things i have been dying to complete me personally i always include omitted connected with to the penalties associated with no one nonetheless my family. I didn’t desire to stroke the idea within, so I only reported, “Here are generally all of our cards” and also handed down on them but she recognized she’d neglected these but we all in no way gave a talk of the usb ports. Any time you don’t display on time, you’re causing your friends to complete your job and unique. In its place, come with an truthful discussion – just before you’re totally frustrated – and a few guidelines. Distractibility is believed to get a genetic time frame and might include full-blown add for you to not liable flakiness.

We are Cydcor, a accepted chief within contracted gross sales companies situated in Agoura Hillsides, Ohio. In case you show up missed by way of Ten mins to at least one issue plus 30 minutes to a different one, the main problem is probably technical. Knowing the potential side effects regarding lateness as well as tardiness, it is crucial with regard to solutions to end up being implemented. With today’s world locating a new job is not really always easy. doubts i’d viewed this particular sooner thanks just for this & a person’s information on how to quit stalling & the reason it occurs. Does this kind of happen to you every morning? Is definitely “Do stop overdue to college!” or perhaps “You are usually overdue all over again!” everything you hear from friends and family and also instructors? Next, writing a strong essay on getting late will probably be a very useful work for anyone.

Liability is a good feature to have nonetheless it merely is sold with punctuality. THE UNTHINKABLE! The single thing your lover always belittled me personally for! Standard excuses, you name it. We didn’t neglect everything crucial, and if there was a celebration important I would not have already been. Just one knight remaining overdue will make the particular program completely disturbed. Should your employer possibly there is, overlook the marketing. Nino School with Bamban Included thinks about a person late if the student occurs after the hunt marriage ceremony (Star trek online Nino School regarding Bamban Involved Scholar Information 2017-2018).

In instance you continue to require reasons why you should perform time, allow me to share Several major models: To find out how the item believes. It will be your work to go by the actual requests of those hired previously mentioned a person if they will be legitimate and also meaningful. I had lotto tickets to your Oscars two years uninterruptedly. This allows other individuals to plan the daily activities correctly. You have to be timely within all you could conduct.

Usually apologizing/making justifications – I’m often apologizing as past due to someone. In addition, it will make you efficient to try to get ambitions when they are shown to an individual. believe inspiring feelings in my situation. Punctuality teaches you are responsible, genuine which enable it to comply with information. You point out stuff has been around the mind but didn’t be aware how you can communicate.

Change Your thinking About Currently being Early. A lot of people think that those who find themselves vital maintain people waiting. For that reason, becoming early on can be a sign that certain isn’t crucial. And no one desires to feel immaterial. On the other hand, currently being beginning is really a manifestation of organization, having admire persons, and having good time management knowledge. That are common personality connected with essential people today. Keep telling your self, “Important folks are timely.”

When You’re And not on Time frame, You’re Stealing: When time is actually funds, and then by simply showing up a few minutes late you’ve merely stolen something worthwhile from your body else, that isn’t a powerful way to get started just about any crucial small business mediation. Another person feels like they’ve presently provided some thing, thus they’re not seeing that prone to give you more.

Indicates which you recognition your promises and you can now become trusted

Be Wanting to Wait. People ordinarily don’t try to be early on given that they think enough time that they spend watching for some others can be wasted time period. That is certainly, they like being missed in lieu of acquiring while relaxing. The important thing to help alleviating this particular problem is going to be ready to have got to hang on. Hanging around moment doesn’t must be lost moment. When you get there beginning for a client’s household, most likely the carer at the move previous to your own house may have the perfect time to offer you an revise, as well as in addition supply you with a buffer of their time to get your elements in the home by using another health professional present.

“Punctual persons do not BPE critical review essays understand. Most people reverence lateness for a modest and pardonable offense and infrequently yield to help events blatantly past due, ready for another party to easily forgive these folks. Are you an staff exactly who valuations standing on time frame? Enroll in our team! Zero reward.

There exists full in addition to did not reach the record which in turn genuinely indicates you can not established limitations at the job, which equals small self-esteem, and also worse, not any knowledge of your individual restricts. You can find incapable of carrying out the particular survey therefore you put it off. Irrrve never shown interest in stick to anybody on facebook at my everyday living. The Absent-Minded Teacher is definitely diverted.

If you proceed, the actual apology will be worthless. Simply just “being about time” will just bring so many good out-puts, through obtaining the campaign to your director, so that you can forming a much better Armed service. The client reacted together with. couldn’t prevent thinking about it.. For those who avoid your time prudently; you could certainly not get your investment back.

I am certain that you can imagine what happened future. I personally collection Several alerts today 5:30AM but appeared intended for work on On the lookout for:40AM(Ten minutes overdue). As well, celebrate people reputable to defend myself against ambitions should they be offered to you. When you find yourself late to help whatever, jewel a creation and also scheduled appointment, it is going from nearly all of all these prices that happen to be instilled in just about all members of the military. In event you continue to need reasons to be on time frame, here i will discuss 6 big people: Eating habits study Tardiness Nakpodia & Dafiaghor (This year’s) pointed out that lateness or even tardiness is not only the challenge in the past due pupil but it surely has an effect on surrounding people.

from Patriot Prepper Don't forget to visit the store and pick up some gear at The COR Outfitters. Are you ready for any situation? #SurvivalFirestarter #SurvivalBugOutBackpack #PrepperSurvivalPack #SHTFGear #SHTFBag

[derangedroyalfae]

Feb 8, 2019 (as of 11:40AM)

1:35AM

He’s going to the backyard to think, and I’m thinking I didn’t think anything fucking through in my entire life. 

I’ve made the decision to check on him regularly twice a day, making sure he’s high functioning. I set 2 reminders, one around noon and one in the early evening. It’s not a check on how he’s feeling, more of to make sure he’s eating and taking care of himself. Last night, I let him get away without dinner and going to bed early since A. I literally just broke his fucking heart B. I know he ate at some point (though his body was clearly hungry and we both acknowledged it after his stomach growled).

Am I going to regret leaving him? Or is the regret for staying with him for so long?

I told him that I’m not sure if this is sorta like an “isolated incident” (not the choice of words I used) or actually me just being the terribly shallow person and this is who I am and will have to face for all my future relationships. That I will eventually just stop loving people when I no longer feel the need for them. 

Go away, Hollow, you’re not my friend. 

No matter what I said, I just couldn’t get him to demonize me. He used the “You can’t help the way you feel” line. 

I kept saying to myself this feeling will pass, but what if I regret all of this? I kept saying I wouldn’t, but we never can guarantee our future feelings. 

*up until the next morning, Hummingbird and Kitty were in a group chat with each other, but Jewel was a separate chat - however I was saying the same things to them for the most part*

Royal (02/0719 5:29 PM) I’m thinking of doing that talk with Nurd now. I’d rather get it out in the open sooner than later. Why let it build up and make things awkward, especially since I told the girls/you guys and I don’t want what happened to me where I felt so awkward and judged having been around people who knew I was going to broken up with. That being said, I’m not necessarily breaking up with him, I’m talking with him. I might end it with the proposal of breaking up or waiting a couple weeks or month for these feeling to possibly blow over, but I know if my partner was feeling this way, I’d want to know.

I was gonna do it Sunday, but 1. I’m coming out that day so why double stack? 2. It dawned on me that I’d be doing what was mentioned above since I’ve told the girls/you guys and we’re going to their/your place tomorrow.

Hummingbird (6:23 PM) Yeah having that talk before tomorrow might make it awkward. Either way we are here for you :purple_heart:

Jewel (5:38 PM) Makes sense, let me know how it goes

Also of course I totally relate to how you feel about wanting a guy that wants you as a guy

Royal (5:39 PM) A least I can say I gave it a week, which is more time than Nurd and I took to jump each other’s bones.

Though, I know I phrase it like it’s not technically a breakup talk, but if I was in Nurd’s position, the one I’m putting him in, I’d personally go with the break up option...even if I still loved them

Jewel (5:41 PM) Yeah, that makes sense

I probably would, as well, if I were in his position

Royal (5:43 PM) I’m his first everything, and that only makes it worse

Now, I’ll be his first heartache too

I almost feel like offering to wait is like hanging out a line of hope that could just be a rug pulled out from under him

But I feel like maybe I should give it a try, just maybe...I’m wrong, and it’s just another morning where I wake up angry at him for no reason

Jewel (5:45 PM) Honestly, I think you should just go into the talk without deciding the outcome, be it a line of hope or breaking up

Royal (5:45 PM) And I can end the night cuddling with him and apologizing for my unjust feelings, even though I was angry that morning

Jewel (5:46 PM) I get you

Royal (5:47 PM) A thought just occurred: But why would I wake up feeling that way?

If something wasn’t wrong

Why would I just randomly feel so upset or angry with him

Even before we got too far in

Jewel (5:48 PM) And it's not a general anger but specifically directed toward him?

Whenever it happens, that is

Royal (5:48 PM) Yes. I remember it happening that morning and just...I texted him before school telling him I felt so angry with him for some reason and I felt bad about it cuz I didn’t know why, I was just angry and I was angry at him.

We weren’t even living together at the time

And then there was over the summer, but we ruled it out to my hormones

But I just feel an overall annoyance with him nowadays, maybe not all the time, but half of it to a majority

Sometimes nowadays I just wanna punch him when he talks, what he says just gets under my skin, and the way he says it

Jewel (5:51 PM) Like, regardless of what he says?

Royal (5:51 PM) I know I haven’t been good at talking about these things, telling people about them, this is probably the first time you’ve heard it, but I’ve been feeling this way for a while

Not usually regardless, it’s usually on certain topics

But I’ve felt avoidant/annoyed by him regardless

Jewel (5:53 PM) Ah, gotcha

Yeah, I can understand why you wouldn't wanna talk about that

Royal (5:53 PM) But I’ve woken up now and it’s just

Almost like a mind fuck, sometimes a no brainer feeling, it’s so confusing

And I feel like a terrible person for it, I really do

I feel like a monster and heartless, like a real bitch

But it’d only be worse if I dragged him along and led him on. Playing the part is worse if I’m not actually the part.

Pretending is worse than not addressing. It’s unhealthy. It’s wrong.

And I’m the fuck doing this exactly a week before Valentine’s Day holy shit

Jewel (5:56 PM) Hey, it's a helluva lot better than on Valentine's day

Royal (5:57 PM) In my heart, I feel that I’ve already made the decision to break things off. I feel so melodramatic for it, but I’ve honestly felt that way this entire week, at least since Sunday.

I even wrote a song that makes it sound like I broke up with him already (though it could be more like I plan to)

And I’m just thinking that I could just be acting impulsive or that it’s the change of medicine, environment, routine, etc but why does it feel so real and so desirable?

Like, I feel like I actually want to not be with him, that I’d be free if I broke up with him

Jewel (6:04 PM) That's understandable

Royal (6:05 PM) The chorus is literally a reference to every song I wrote for him

"I kept you on the down low

And said you were my everything

You helped me find that happy song

And made my life a musical

I kept thinking we’re meant to be

Writing cheesy love songs

But I guess it wasn’t enough for me

When I lost that connectivity 

I broke your heart, so I’ll play my part as

The monster in this song"

Talk about going full circle...

He’s still my muse, whether or not I love him...

(I mean, I feel like I might still platonically love him, just to clarify)

Royal (6:38 PM) We talked, we cried, he said he’s known this was coming but was scared to ask

Jewel (6:43 PM) Are you done talking or it's still going on?

Hummingbird (6:44 PM) Oh... First question, are you ok? And second how did you end the talk (since you mentioned a couple possibilities)?

Royal (7:19 PM) He had gone to the bathroom when I sent that first message

He was crying so hard, and it happens off and on

We cuddled for a good amount of time

He asked if I’d stay in his room tonight, and I said yes

Perhaps a form of saying his last goodbyes I don’t know

Jewel (7:21 PM) Ah, okay

How do you feel?

Royal (7:22 PM) When he said that he’s been catching on, and how early he was noticing it, I felt so terribly validated in a way I never thought I would hurt...

I wasn’t alone in noticing

I thought I was making things up...he thought he was too

Jewel (7:23 PM) At least you both know you're not imagining things now

Royal (7:24 PM) I still feel like a terrible person, because I still feel so hallow

I just ripped out his heart

I might have just changed his entire fucking plan for life

But I’d rather that, than to have slowly rotted his heart with my artificial sweetener love, and not be able to provide what he deserves, and to get to the point where I resented and hated him because he deserve better than that

Hummingbird (7:27 PM) its  better to have short term pain instead of a life of spite

Jewel (7:27 PM) It's definitely better not to let things sit

Royal (7:27 PM) I know, but it doesn’t make hurt any less

Jewel (7:27 PM) Does this mean you decided to break up through the course of the conversation?

I understand

You do care about him regardless

Hummingbird (7:28 PM) I wont lie, the pain will take a while to pass.

Royal (7:29 PM) He noticed how happy I was talking to the girls/you guys...and how I hadn’t talked to him like that in a long time

He kept asking if he did something wrong. I kept reminding him this was completely me.

I never got into how I was feeling so...invalidated by him, how I felt a disagreement with his points of view, how I was bothered by how he treated me sometimes. Because those weren’t my real reasons at the end of the day, just a bonus.

No matter what, if we’re done tonight or done in a week or stay together forever, we will still be friends

And perhaps, we should have only been friends from the start

Jewel (7:35 PM) That's good. At least there's that, and you're not going to lose him forever.

Royal (7:41 PM) We say that, though, but there’s no guarantee

Trainwreck/Error said we’d be friends...though they are shitty people at the end of the day

I guess, Error and I did mend that relationship before I left

Jewel (7:42 PM) There's never any guarantee about anything, but regardless, having some hope is better than none

It will depend ultimately on how you both feel as time goes by

Kitty (7:37 PM) Catching up now..

Wow, that happened fast

It sounds like you're both ok... Emotionally drained, but ok

At least it's out in the open

Royal (7:38 PM) I asked him to promise me he won’t do something drastic

I know he’s never been a risk case, but I’m an anxious and paranoid person

Royal (7:44 PM) I felt just like that night all those years ago, it was the night after we talked about dating and I had been waiting for our ride after a show, I was laying on his lap and it was so hard NOT to kiss him. I knew I couldn’t and shouldn’t, but I wanted to so bad. As he held me in his arms, both of us laying down, it felt just like that again. For the same and opposite reason as the last...

I’m terrible

Jewel (7:45 PM) I just know you feel like an awful person for feeling the way you do, and I understand why, but it's also understandable how you feel

Royal (7:45 PM) I feel like I used him

Hummingbird (7:50 PM) I don't have the words to comfort you. I wish I could just hold you close.

 I know it can be tough not to lapse into doing what seems automatic. 

You are not terrible. People can fall into and out of love. It happens. You did not use him.

Royal (7:50 PM) At one point I had said, “I’m sorry if I fucked up your life...”

And he responded, “No. You gave me the best moments of it.”

Hummingbird (7:57 PM) You both will heal. It might take a while but you both will heal.  There will be things said either innocently or not that will cause pain.

I know just how tough it is. heck I was in a similar position 3 years ago. 

if you need us we are here :heart:

Kitty (8:02 PM) Yeah, 100%

Jewel (8:32 PM) Sorry I disappeared

Royal (8:37 PM) That’s fine, I did too

*once again, not a group chat, these are separate chats with Hummingbird and Jewel, but I was saying the same thing*

Hummingbird (02/08/19 8:43 AM) I love you!

How are you feeling?

Royal (10:04 AM) Love you too

Hummingbird (10:04 AM) :heart:

Royal (10:23 AM) I just keep feeling really guilty, cuz I don’t know what is or isn’t going to affect him to feel depressed. If seeing Araceli and realizing that now he’ll never be her uncle or that he’ll never have a family with me will set him off. If being around my family is just gonna crush him.

I don’t know and I worry it does. I feel so toxic and crushing to him right now, I put him in such an awkward position

But he can’t just pack up and move out with his family yet, he still has a job

I told him that we don’t have to tell my family anything yet until he’s ready. I didn’t want him to feel like he’s under pressured to leave because of them.

Jewel (10:26 AM) I’m so sorry this is all so much. You both really need time to heal from all of this.

Hummingbird (10:29 AM) The worry and guilt suck.  Not telling fam until he is ready will probably make it easier on him in the short term

As always I am here to listen if you need to vent, and there are lots of snuggles waiting for you  :heart:

Royal (10:27 AM) There’s nothing here that’s not going to remind him of the future I took from him

Hummingbird (10:31 AM) That may be true,  but having fam put extra pressure to move it would only make it worse

[the2travel]

* World Travel Tips : The Revolutionary Street Art Project That Inspired Banksy And Empowered A City's Youth

Travel Tips -

John Nation just wanted to give teenagers in Bristol, southwest England, a safe place to spray-paint without fear of arrest and prosecution.

Little did the then 21-year-old youth worker know back in 1984 that his “Aerosol Art Project” at the Barton Hill Youth Center would go some way to shaping British and global street art over the coming years and decades.

It spawned an entire generation of influential and genre-defining artists ― including Banksy. But as Nation, now 54, told HuffPost in a wide-ranging interview, the initiative also almost ended up costing him his job, his reputation and his liberty.

Nation was just 18-years-old when, in 1981, he became an outreach worker at the youth center in his home neighborhood of Barton Hill. “We helped kids deal with the nitty gritty of life [...] providing sexual health awareness, talking about drugs, that kind of thing,” he told HuffPost. A trip to Amsterdam in 1982 sparked an interest in graffiti, which he saw adorning the Dutch capital’s streets. “I started reading whatever material I could.”

Coincidentally, some of the 14 to 19-year-olds attending the center were also becoming interested in the art form. Inspired by movies such as “Wild Style” and “Beat Street” and the painting of Bristol’s earliest-recognized graffiti artist 3D (a.k.a. Robert Del Naja from Massive Attack), Nation said they’d spend hours copying outlines of the work featured in the seminal book “Subway Art.”

When one teen returned from New York City with photographs of the graffiti he’d seen, Nation allowed the teen and his friends to paint the club’s front wall.

“Barton Hill was rough,” Nation said. “At that time the club was very territorial, seen as right wing, predominantly white and very hostile to outsiders.” Its exterior walls, he said, were mainly daubed with anti-authority slogans such as “No Police State in Barton Hill” or ones promoting the far-right movement, the National Front.

“These guys produced a piece that was so vibrant,” Nation said. “It helped break down some barriers. Lots of these guys listened to hip hop, reggae and black-inspired music. Lots of the artists they looked up to were black, hispanic and Puerto Rican, but they were in a predominantly white area. Being involved in graffiti opened their eyes and helped to lower their prejudices.”

I nspired by what the teens had produced, Nation sought permission from his employers at the now-defunct Avon County Council authority to set up the “Barton Hill Aerosol Art Project” — a place he envisioned would let the youngsters, some of whom were only a bit younger than him, to “express themselves freely and legally” on the center’s walls instead of tagging or painting unauthorized spots on public or private property which could lead to their arrest.

Cheo and Inkie were among the first generation of budding street artists to attend the center, which had the added appeal of being the only one in the city with an indoor skate ramp. Before long, the artists covered most of the building with their work.

“Once word got out that it was a safe environment to paint and look at books and photographs and watch films about graffiti, then people from across the city started coming,” Nation said. “Once you had that one group of people give it their seal of approval, others saw it was safe and followed suit.”

At its peak, more than 40 youngsters regularly attended the project. Graffiti writers from across the U.K. also visited, and it inspired other authorities from around the country to launch similar initiatives.

“It was a great atmosphere, very expressive, very creative,” Nation added. “There was never any bad vibes or competition, none of that element. It was all about being a crew and a togetherness and I still think that’s true to all the guys who still know each other and paint now.”

Not everyone was in favor of the project, however. Unbeknownst to Nation, from 1988 to 1989 the British Transport Police surveilled the center and several of its artists as part of a city-wide investigation into graffiti tagging and criminal behavior.

“There was never any bad vibes or competition, none of that element. It was all about being a crew and a togetherness and I still think that’s true to all the guys who still know each other and paint now.”

John Nation

Operation Anderson sought to profile graffiti artists suspected of criminal damage and culminated with a series of raids on properties across the region. Police arrested dozens of people, including Nation. Officers searched his home and the center. “Bearing in mind that I was running an aerosol art project, there was no way there wasn’t going to be any material at the center,” he said. “It was like an Aladdin’s Cave for them.”

Police seized a “massive stash of paint” Nation had procured from the project’s sponsors and his treasured 5,000-plus snaps of graffiti he’d either taken himself or been sent by writers from around the world.

Nation believes police thought the club was “some kind of ‘Axis of Evil’ that was the main meeting point for all of Bristol’s illegal graffiti writers and a place where other writers from across the country would come.”

“It wasn’t that at all though,” he said, although he acknowledges some of the artists were painting on unauthorized spots on their own. 

As was revealed in the BBC documentary “Drawing The Line,” (above), police matched tags on the artwork in the club to tags on illegal works across the city.

They charged several artists with criminal damage. Nation himself was charged with suspicion of conspiracy to incite individuals to commit criminal damage.

“Their main case against me was that the photos and books I had, if shown to a young person of impressional age, would incite them to go out and commit criminal damage,” Nation said. “They also said I was covering up for the young people and I was duty bound to divulge information on them. But I didn’t assist them whatsoever. I answered ‘no comment’ to pretty much everything.”

Several artists were found guilty of criminal damage and received fines. Nation’s charge, however, was dropped on the day his trial was due to begin after prosecutors offered no evidence of incitement. 

A post shared by John Nation (@johnnation) on Jun 1, 2017 at 8:53am PDT

Nation says he then consciously used the subsequent press coverage to promote his project’s work and to argue that without a place to legally paint, “the illegal culture of the art form just gets reinforced.”

Following the police raids, Nation says many of those involved in the city’s street art scene went “underground for a while.” “It was like they were regrouping,” he said. “Many of the guys arrested took a break, lessened their illegal activities, and some decided painting legally was the only way.”

Nation says the publicity did inspire, however, a new generation of artists to begin visiting the project ― with one of them being Banksy.

“As a young boy, he’d come to the center and watch people paint. He was heavily into hip hop culture, graffiti, and Barton Hill was where it was happening. Every weekend there was fresh work going up on the walls and people would exchange ideas,” Nation said.

“He says he called it his religious pilgrimage every weekend to go. Many of these guys had their own crazy, little dreams and he said what Barton Hill showed him was very powerful, that you could go on to follow those dreams.”

At that time, Nation says Banksy (who despite multiple attempts and theories has never been officially identified), wasn’t producing the political or social commentary pieces that he’s since become globally famous for.

As part of a crew with some slightly older teens, Nation says he was “into graffiti and letterforms and writing.” He also didn’t stand out “as one of the graffiti writers you’d call a ‘top boy,’” nor was he using his “Banksy” moniker either, says Nation. “The Banksy thing came later.”

Nation claims Banksy is “without doubt” the biggest contemporary artist in the world right now, but admits he didn’t foresee his rise to prominence during his early days of painting at the center. Instead, he believes Banksy truly began to make his mark when he changed his style and began using stencils.

“Not only could he paint quicker, he could paint more locations and produce more work. He started off with quite crude stencil work, like the rats, then he started progressing to more clean work, more sharper,” Nation said.

“These smaller stencils started appearing across the city and for me, it’s once he made that conscious decision to change the style of what he was painting and the content of what he was painting when he exploded,” he added.

Banksy himself admits in his book “Wall and Piece” that his switch in style came when aged 18 transport police chased him through a thorny bush after spotting him painting “LATE AGAIN” on the side of a train.

“The rest of my mates made it to the car and disappeared so I spent over an hour hidden under a dumper truck with engine oil leaking all over me,” he wrote. “As I lay there listening to the cops on the tracks I realized I had to cut my painting time in half or give up altogether. I was staring straight up at the stenciled plate on the bottom of a fuel tank when I realized I could just copy that style and make each letter three feet high.”

Nation said that change led Banksy to “strike an accord with first and foremost the Bristol public, and then the British public.” “Lots of people who wouldn’t be into street art could relate to the simplicity and the fun and the characters he was painting. As he’s become more mature, the images and message have become more hard-hitting — he’s a clever guy.” 

A post shared by Banksy (@banksy) on May 7, 2017 at 6:40am PDT

Nation does question how Banksy creates some of his works, such as the “Brexit” piece (above) that he unveiled in Dover, southeast England, in May as a commentary on the U.K.’s referendum vote to leave the European Union.

“Yes he painted it, but he’s got to have a team of people that set up the scaffold and he must have approached the people who own the property before that,” Nation said. “You can’t just rock up and set up a scaffold on the side of someone’s property without there being no questions asked. It’s a huge wall. It’s massive.”

With so much history between Nation and Banksy, one may assume the pair remain close and in touch. When faced with the suggestion, however, Nation responded with a stony silence before changing the subject.

While the legacy of the Barton Hill Youth Center often focuses on Banksy, many of the center’s other alum have also gone on to enjoy hugely successful careers.  Jody Thomas, who in April gave HuffPost a helping hand in unveiling its new logo (below), has painted and exhibited his signature photo-realistic style around the world:

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But for him, it also all began at the center, which he first attended when he was just 15 years old after being encouraged by a school friend who’d described Nation to him as “outspoken, politically militant and not one to suffer fools.”

“It felt like I was being led to meet the leader of a despotic cult,” Thomas told HuffPost, adding that Nation “didn’t disappoint” when he finally met him.

“He immediately went through my school folder of work based around the comic art of 2,000 A.D. and classical painting and drawings,” he said. “I think he saw in me the opportunity to add a different artistic dimension to the club’s repertoire and left me to recreate on the walls of the club what I had on paper.”

“For me, John is the ‘Darwin’ of street art in the U.K. and gave me an opportunity to express the art that spoke to me all those years ago.”

Jody Thomas

Thomas credits Nation as being at “the forefront” of the street art movement at that time. “His energy and personality has garnered him an amount of respect amongst Bristolians on the level of any rock star or public figure,” he said. “For me, he is the ‘Darwin’ of street art in the U.K. and gave me a opportunity to express the art that spoke to me all those years ago.”

The admiration is mutual. Nation still remembers the day that Thomas first brought in his work which was “totally different” to what was being produced in the club at the time. “I thought to myself, ‘fucking hell, this is amazing. He’s 15 and painting like this?’ I thought, ‘this boy is going to go far,’” Nation said.

“At first he wasn’t accepted as much by the graffiti lads. Jody was into indie music and a lot of that music had dark imagery on its album sleeves,” he added. “He embraced that kind of artwork. He painted small pieces, then he painted these two black and white heads (below) and that was it. I have a lot of time for him. He didn’t stick to what everyone else was doing. He just wanted to be an artist and express his talents.”

Inkie, a.k.a. Tom Bingle, also emerged from the center. He’s since worked as a head of design at SEGA and hosted his own shows across the globe. Recently, he painted alongside Shepard Fairey, the artist behind the “Hope” poster that came to define former President Barack Obama’s 2008 campaign.

For Inkie, Nation’s project acted as a vital “central hub” for the city’s graffiti artists in the pre-internet era of the late ‘80s to mid-90s. “Without this center and John’s support of our artwork, Bristol would not have had the scene it maintains today,” he told HuffPost.

By 1991, however, Nation had become disillusioned with the restraints he felt the authority was putting on him and quit.

“ I was seen as being quite outspoken, left wing and a bit of a socialist,” he said. “But I’m proud of what I did back then. And the fact that people still talk about then and what I achieved for me is justification for what I did do.”

Nation went on to forge a successful career in promoting dance music events across the U.K. and the NASS action sports and music show in Somerset.

With the explosion in the popularity of street art, which he puts principally down to the rise of the internet and social media, he’s since come full circle ― and now gives regular tours of Bristol’s scene via the WhereTheWall tour.

“People from all over the world come, and no one tour is the same. Street art is here today, gone tomorrow. The art form is transient,” he said.

In April, Nation curated his first ever solo show, “Graffiti Nation,” at Bristol’s Upfest gallery, the home of Europe’s largest live street art festival.

He also worked with Inkie on the “See No Evil” art exhibition in 2011 and 2012, and remains a fierce advocate for spaces where artists can legally paint. He’s also set to feature in another BBC documentary, which will analyze the U.K. street art scene in the decades since Operation Anderson.

Nation’s pedigree, knowledge and influence of street art and the genres that umbrella term encompasses have seen him nicknamed the “Godfather” of the Bristol (and increasingly British) scene. But it’s a label that doesn’t sit well with him.

“I look back and I feel that all those years ago I was vilified and I could have possibly lost my job,” he said. “Then two years ago I’m being used as the face of Bristol tourism as someone who represents it as a progressive, cultural city. Who would have thought it?”

“I get called the ‘Godfather,’ but I’m not. I just had a faith and a belief in these young people when no one else would give them the time of day,” he added. “I’m just lucky enough that i’ve been involved in the graffiti scene and seen it emerge. Bristol is not what it is because of me, far from it. I’m just one cog in the wheel, just like Banksy and all the others.”

Check out John Nation’s Instagram, Facebook and the tour website for WhereTheWall.

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-- This feed and its contents are the property of The Huffington Post, and use is subject to our terms. It may be used for personal consumption, but may not be distributed on a website.

World Travel Tips : Find cheap flights, hotels and car rentals. Plan your trip with travel guides, personalized recommendations, articles, deals and more. When you travel, you want your bags to travel with you. Follow these tips from travel professionals on how not to lose your luggage.

[theherblifeblog]

2020 Health: Setting Boundaries

By Leighana Martindale

Needing to set boundaries can be triggered for many reasons and each of our reasons will vary.

However, boundaries are essential and something that everyone has, or needs to have even if they don’t realize it. Too often we get tired and worn out from over-committing and then feeling guilting when we do take time for ourselves or finally set those boundaries. In order to protect our energies, minds and our hearts, it’s okay to need time for yourself, it’s okay to want or not want something and it is most certainly okay to set boundaries whatever your reasoning might be!

I have a hard time saying no. That’s partly why I’m writing this. I have a hard time not helping people, not solving issues, and feeling obligated to meet up with everyone that invites me out or feeling guilty if I can’t. This isn’t healthy and shows a lack of boundaries. It definitely doesn’t make me feel good and I imagine it doesn’t make the people in my life feel good.

I’ve recognized myself needing to hear that “it’s okay”, needing to hear the words and to be “given permission”. So, I’m going to give myself permission to set limits and to let it be — I am also encouraging you to give yourself permission to set healthy boundaries for yourself.

Because at the end of the day, we all have our limits and we all need to respect the fact that other people’s will be different from ours. But before we can even get to this space of clearly communicating our comfort levels we need to identify, respect and uphold our own.

Let’s go back to this sense of guilt we often feel when we have to tell people that they’ve crossed a line or when we clearly draw the line in the proverbial sand, why is that? Is it because we are all (especially women) told that we need to please others? Is it from something we were told as children? Or even an idea we hold in our head that we don’t want to let go of?

I find that for me, it is my need to please others, the need to be “liked” and to solve things or to be the reliable one. This is often what creates my personal guilt. Especially when I uphold and respect that boundary I will feel guilty and like I am letting others down — when that simply is just not true!

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New Years resolution of a people pleaser #2020 #detoxmode #justsayno #personalboundries #boundaries #no #goals #metime #relaxmode #morerelaxing #sorrynotsorry #2020vision

A post shared by GoldenFit (@goldenfitllc) on Jan 1, 2020 at 12:32pm PST

We are supposed to take time for ourselves! We are supposed to honor our boundaries and allow ourselves the time, space and freedom to explore, to relax, to do whatever it is that sets our souls on fire with passion!

IT IS OUR JOB TO MAKES OURSELVES HAPPY. We can only do that if we take the time, space, and freedom we need. And we can only do that when we set boundaries.

On the other side, when we don’t uphold and respect our boundaries, we end up feeling overwhelmed, triggered, upset and angry with ourselves and potentially even others. So when we don’t allow ourselves that time, space, and freedom we deny ourselves happiness which affects not just our lives, but those who are also closest with us.

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#spiritualgrowth #spiritualawakening #spiritualawakening #consciousness #unityconsciousness #unity #weareone #ascension #personalboundries #authenticself #selflove #selfcare

A post shared by Infinite Locus🌀 #WEAREONE (@infinitelocus) on May 4, 2019 at 6:38pm PDT

Setting these boundaries is much harder said than done, but the repercussions of not setting them are far too great. Amongst anger, frustration, and anxiety we can sever relationships we have with loved ones, potential loved ones, healthy habits, and even the relationship we have with our highest self. When we deny our authentic self the boundaries we need to heal and grow then we miss out on the opportunities of a lifetime! We miss out on living our most authentic lives.

So how do we work on setting these boundaries for ourselves so we can connect with the highest version of ourselves?

5 steps for setting boundaries -

1. Be clear about why you are setting boundaries and what exactly it is you want -

Set them for your own wellbeing and health, not out of the desire to control others. Ask yourself: Is this a healthy boundary you are setting or a toxic boundary? Are you doing this for your highest self or is this a fear-based and egotistical boundary? Why are you setting this boundary? How will it help you? Why is it necessary? When we have the clarity of knowing why we are setting a boundary and what exactly it is we want then we have the power to honor that boundary.

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#PersonalBoundries are link to #SelfEsteem . Set limits for #Acceptable behavior from those around you. So critical for your mental health . Extending boundaries does have a price to pay, which may be loose acquaintances along the way #Loveyourself #PeaceofMind #Eyethemind

A post shared by Eyethemind (@eyethemind) on Dec 4, 2017 at 8:13am PST

2. Set boundaries when you have emotional clarity -

Setting boundaries when we are upset and/or hurt can lead us to acting out of pain or fear which can lead to an unhealthy or aggressive boundary. When we are hurt we can lash out at others or get very upset, but when setting boundaries it is important to do so in a state of clarity and with love. Boundaries should be set with love, positive intention and a need to honor yourself, not out of pain, fear, or our suffering.

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What’s on your self-care to-do list today? COMMENT BELOW👇👇👇 ( 🎨 by @blessingmanifesting ) #selfcare

A post shared by Self-Care Is For Everyone (@selfcareisforeveryone) on Dec 3, 2019 at 6:22am PST

3. Maintain a positive point of view and attitude, don’t let resistance discourage you

Setting boundaries is not easy and sometimes we will face resistance, but it is important to keep that positive and balanced mentality. When we know these boundaries are not set maliciously but are put in place to protect ourselves and allow growth then we can switch from resistance to acceptance and allow ourselves to vibe and flow when others cross the boundaries we set.

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Setting your boundaries is self-care.♥️ We will be including boundary-setting door hangers for 8 more days in all orders!! 🙏 👇👇👇👇👇👇👇👇 Boundaries are your personal limits and they protect you from feeling unsafe. Its normal for boundary setting to feel difficult. However, once you set your boundaries, your relationships will improve. All healthy relationships have boundaries and you deserve to feel safe in all of your relationships. In order for others to respect your boundaries, you must protect them. Which boundary do you need to protect at the moment? Emotional? Material? Time/energy? Mental? Physical? ( 🎨 by @shopsundae ) (graphic #2 & #3 @the.holistic.psychologist )

A post shared by Self-Care Is For Everyone (@selfcareisforeveryone) on Oct 24, 2019 at 11:40am PDT

4. Be direct and don’t apologize for your needs -

You can do it! It sure as hell won’t be easy but you can fucking do it! Stand tall and confident in your boundaries, be vocal when people cross them and know that you do not have to apologize for setting healthy boundaries. If people do not want to respect them, that is their problem and honestly tells you everything you need to know.

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Breakfast is the most important meal of the day! 🎨 by⁣ @artschoolpariah for #WOIFridays⁠ ⁠ Use the hashtag #WOIFridays to enter the weekly Friday prompt for a chance to get featured!⁠ ⁠ Become a $1 Patron to get the prompt days before the rest of the world knows about it. ⁠Link in bio⁣⁠ ⁠ #artwork #illustration #illustracion #ilustração #illustrazione #illustrator #illo #femaleillustrator #femaleartist #womanartist #femaleartists #womenart #womanart #creativewomen #womenartists #womeninthearts #womenartist #womeninart #cerealandmilk #illustrator #rainbow #youreastar #positivity #positivevibes #positiveaffirmations #positiveart #personaldevelopment #bravehearts

A post shared by Women of Illustration (@womenofillustration) on Feb 7, 2020 at 3:40pm PST

5. Setting Boundaries is an ongoing process -

This will require constant upkeep and maintenance, and that’s okay. Once your boundaries are set, you will have to make sure they are being respected and upheld. You will have to consistently reaffirm your boundaries and take the space you need to honor them and yourself.

What to do when people cross your boundaries -

1. Retreat from reaction

When your boundaries are crossed it can feel upsetting, painful, and enraging even, it is so important to retreat from a reaction at the moment and let ourselves seek clarity. Some of our boundaries can be very emotional and hard boundaries, so when they are crossed we get triggered and fearful — this can be an especially difficult moment to seek clarity, but I promise you can do so by breathing and shifting your mentality.

2. Breathe and shift

Breathe through feelings of discomfort and shift your mentality until those feelings of discomfort begin shift to lose their negative power and instead turn into empowerment and positive feelings. Breathing is the number one way to take control of our minds and our thoughts. There are various techniques that can help with this mindset shift but these are my favorite: Kundalini Breathwork, Wim Hof technique and Diaphragmatic breathing aka belly breathing.

While breathing, clear your head and aim to reach a state of calmness, then think back on your feelings and shift them from pain to empowerment. Because at the end of the day it is beyond amazing and beyond empowering that YOU are recognizing and honoring your boundaries, that you are holding people accountable and taking the space you need.

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How often do you pay attention to your breathing? I used to find myself holding my breath quite often in stressful situations and then it became a habit regardless of my stress level which is really unhealthy. Slow long deep breaths have numerous benefits. Breathing deeply increases the supply of oxygen to your brain and stimulates your nervous system, lowering your heart-rate, regulating blood pressure, all of which helps decrease how much of the stress hormone cortisol is released into your body; ultimately promoting a state of calmness. Throughout the week, consistently remind yourself to breathe and try this deep breathing exercise: Inhale for five seconds and then exhale for five seconds. Do this in repetition of 10 several times throughout each day. As you get more comfortable with it, increase your inhalation and exhalation to 7 seconds and then 10 seconds #deepbreaths #deepbreathing #breathing #healthylifestyle #healthyfood #healthyeating #balancedeating #wellness #mindfulness #selflove #selfcare #fitness #takecareofyourbody #takecareofyourmind #eatgoodtofeelgood #foodismedicine #zen #goals #lifestyle #healing #living #fibroids #tumors #anemia #knowledgeispower #360being

A post shared by 360Being (@360being) on Feb 9, 2020 at 4:45am PST

3. Stand firm

Continue to respect your boundary by restating it and asking the boundary crosser that they respect it. There is a way to do this from love and clarity that allows you to openly communicate. Communication is the most important part of human connection and something we all need to work on, and when we do have clear communication we can have clear boundaries and all feel much more respected and safe.

4. Use affirmations

If you get pushback, it’s okay! It’s honestly bound to happen at some point. Just take that and make a mental note, when people get upset with our boundaries that tells us about them and the type of person they are. It doesn’t however make the entire situation feel better or go away, so use affirmations to help your mindset.

10 Affirmations for when your boundaries are crossed:

• Other people’s emotions are not my responsibility

• Boundaries are healthy

• My boundaries are healthy and necessary

• I trust my intuition

• Setting boundaries is a way to care of myself

• Setting boundaries does not make me mean, selfish, or uncaring

• Setting boundaries allows me to care about myself too

• My boundaries are worthy of respect

• I am not responsible for other peoples emotions

• I am responsible for respecting and upholding my boundaries and the people’s in my life

5. Get High

Cannabis always helps me to shift my mindset and calms me to a state where I can move from resistance to acceptance. This plant is beautiful and amazing for its various terpene profiles and effects. My favorite effect when working to obtain clarity when I’m upset is euphoria.

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It’s time🙋🏻‍♀️🍁✨☁️

A post shared by 🍁THELITTLEBUNN🍁 (@lilxbun) on Feb 9, 2020 at 7:19am PST

Keeping your Boundaries

1. Seek other boundary setters

We all need support, especially when beginning to set boundaries which can make us feel guilty at times. So seek the support of other boundary setters to encourage you, be patient with you and most importantly respect each other boundaries. When you seek these people, just make sure you are respecting and supporting them equally. We all need love and we all need support.

2. Practice saying no

Ask a friend or someone you trust to have a practice session and communicate openly and lovingly about a situation that you felt hurt by. Just be sure you work with a friend who will be happy you are communicating openly with them and not feel confronted. We can also practice saying no by being honest at times we don’t have time, when we need to take some personal time, or even when we just don’t want to do something.

3. Practice respecting other peoples boundaries

This will help you recognize a boundary and practice honoring other people’s boundaries which in return will help you cope with when people cross yours and help others to honor yours. This is like the golden rule, treat others the way you want to be treated and respect other’s boundaries the way you want your boundaries respected.

“Respect other’s boundaries the way you want your boundaries respected”

[tune-collective]

7 Tips To Mastering Yoga and Mediation, From DJ Gina Turner & Holistic Healer Tim Rothschild

7 Tips To Mastering Yoga and Mediation, From DJ Gina Turner & Holistic Healer Tim Rothschild

There is not many career progressions that appear more natural than that of DJ Gina Turner. Growing up in New York, Turner quickly integrated herself into the lively club scene of the city, sneaking into Sound Factory at 14 years old with a fake ID. After earning her college degree in audio production, she moved to Los Angeles to DJ for a dance radio station and later become a nightclub DJ, but wanting creative freedom in her career, she began producing her own house music. To combat the aches and pains garnered from the constant movement within the house music world, Turner turned to yoga, eventually becoming a yoga teacher in 2012.

Tim Rothschild’s career path was more winding. After a tough heartbreak, the former “beer drinkin’” football player threw himself into spiritual healing, using meditation, yoga, and other holistic techniques to heal his body and mind after years of wear-and-tear. After becoming a Nondual Kabbalistic Healer, he founded The Third Thing Network, a multi-media platform designed to explore spiritual healing and exploration.

Rothschild and Turner, who were close friends in high school, came in contact again and couldn’t deny the chemistry of their two worlds. The two eventually created The Divine Movement, providing classes and events that combine music, yoga, and spiritual healing. Now, Rothschild and Turner are prepping to debut their The Divine Movement podcast and will be releasing their single, “Integration,” on March 29.

After giving Billboard a meditation and yoga lesson, Rothschild and Turner sat down to give their top tips on how to use ancient holistic techniques to navigate the hectic modern lifestyle.

Tip #1: Get Comfortable with Yoga By Being Present

Gina Turner: A lot of level one students that I teach say, “I really want to try a level two class,” but people are afraid to go into those classes. I remind people that everyone’s a beginner in yoga because the beautiful thing about it is you’re turning inwards. It doesn’t matter what your neighbor is doing. It doesn’t matter what the person behind you is doing. It doesn’t even matter what you were doing in your last yoga class. Just be here right now and do what feels right for you in this moment. That’s the perfect way to be — not just in yoga, but in everything.

Tim Rothschild: Yoga is a holistic practice. When you do yoga, you’re coming into a relationship with yourself. You come and show up exactly as you are. We’ve all had imperfect upbringings in different ways and we’ve all had uneven levels of development. In yoga, that’s expressed through tight hamstrings or a stiff shoulder or a certain amount competitive anger that shows up when you can’t get to where you want to be. These holistic practices work on your spiritual body, physical body, and emotional body — it’s not just physical.

  #lululemonambassador #thedivinemovement #chairpose #stretchthendance

A post shared by The Divine Movement (@thedivinemvmnt) on Oct 2, 2016 at 11:40am PDT

Tip #2: Start Your Yoga Practice with Child’s Pose

GT: Child’s pose reminds your body it needs to rest. It relaxes your mind and lets you settle into your practice.

TR: I will not start my practice without it. Child’s pose is my anchor point; it grounds and settles me.

Tip #3: Awaken Your Third Eye

GT: Get into Child’s Pose and rub your Third Eye — the space between your eyebrows — on the mat. The Third Eye is your center of intuition, so when you massage it on the mat, it wakes it up and your body intuitively know what’s right or wrong for you during your practice. it’s also a way to physically relax your forehead because we’re often very tense and furrow our brows [during exercise practices].

TR: I’ve noticed I have a deeper connection to my Third Eye [when I wake it up]. I start to remember its presence more often. At some point, I imagine when people are dancing on the dance floor, we may not even need all the lights. Everyone’s Third Eye will be blasting light all over the place.

  A post shared by The Divine Movement (@thedivinemvmnt) on Jun 15, 2016 at 4:49pm PDT

Tip #4: End Your Yoga Practice with Savasana

GT: A lot of times, western philosophy on yoga is only physical. It’s about getting yourself into a pretzel. But really, that’s only one aspect of yoga. Savasana is taking the time to rest and take in the benefits of your practice. It settles everything in.

TR: Any healthy system — and humans are systems — has construction and connection, and it also has deconstruction and disconnection. In between those is stasis or an anchor point, and during that time, that’s where integration [of construction and deconstruction] occurs. At the end of every yoga session, if you can find that balance, that’s where you can integrate the work you’ve done into your mind, body and spirit. Savasana is that integration.  

Tip #5: Yoga Shouldn’t Be Limited to the Classroom

GT: It’s really hard for me to do yoga outside of a class setting, but there are so many amazing resources that allow you to incorporate a practice at home. There’s no excuse. Try to do what you can at home.

  A post shared by The Divine Movement (@thedivinemvmnt) on Mar 4, 2017 at 9:46am PST

Tip #6: Eating Well is a Discipline

GT: I’m not perfect, but I try to stay as vegetarian as I can on the road. The less packaged stuff you get, the better. I’ve also been on the “I will not pay for food” diet, meaning if I paid for food at that airport, I knew I was paying for junk, so I didn’t. I would eat before I got to the airport and wait until I could go to a healthy store to eat again.

TR: I started to do a lot of intermittent fasting, which means I would only eat certain hours of the day, with a lot of planning and preparation for it. You get the nutrients you need at the right time. You also tune into your body’s GPS system and realize you don’t need to be eating as much as you think you do. But understand each day is different. If you’re moving around and doing a lot of stuff one day, take in a little more calories and nutrients. If you’re doing less another, you don’t need to eat as much.

Tip #7: No One Is an Island

TR: A lot of people think they have to conquer everything on their own. If you are in trouble, there are people out there who would love to support you, including myself.  

  A post shared by The Divine Movement (@thedivinemvmnt) on Feb 5, 2017 at 9:13am PST

This article originally appeared on: Billboard

http://tunecollective.com/2017/03/21/7-tips-mastering-yoga-mediation-dj-gina-turner-holistic-healer-tim-rothschild/

[paintingmymoon]

The magic of trees and shrines, and a Moroccan man who bought us donuts

In February, last year, after posting clothes and textbooks from my hostel back to my hometown, I celebrated the completion of my final two Masters courses over a long weekend in Japan with Jess. Here is an account of our adventure:

Friday, 23:35PM: The taxi driver is exasperated because I’m fumbling over my hostel address in Korean. Unfortunately, skipping a red robot in his attempt to get rid of me lands him a hefty fine. Stuck halfway to my destination, and the taxi driver is still trying to convince the policeman that it’s the foreigner’s fault. See, I am SOMEWHAT competent in Korean. I ponder walking the rest of the way, and offer the taxi driver W10,000 to see what he thinks. He hurls his wallet and some profanities at me, so I trudge all the way up the hill to Jess.

Saturday, 5:50AM: Me, Jess and luggage are slumped on a dark pavement with the shuttle’s disappearing tail lights casting us all in a rosy glow. We’re too terrified to venture into Incheon Airport teeming with more people than should ever be awake at ANY hour, let alone this one.

Saturday, 7:10AM: Four failed self-check-in attempts later and all three of us (luggage weighs as much as a medium-sized human) are at the end of a queue winding itself around Section H of the domestic departure floor three times. No sign of the check-in counters from here, 30 minutes before check-in closes. Holiday contingency plan?

Saturday, 10AM: We’ve discovered the only Korean in Narita Airport and she’s serving us in a shiny little pharmacy. Got anything to subdue our still galloping hearts, on account of almost failing to arrive at this charming airport? Nah, just some toilet paper, actually. Can’t have our bums blasted with miniature hoses once we’ve finished our business, and nothing with which to dry them before pulling up our pants. We make our way to the bathrooms, armed and prepared, delighted to be able to thank the Korean in a language much more familiar to us than Japanese.

Saturday, 11:45AM: Eventually find the train station, only to discover we have the wrong tickets. Acquire correct ones, only to have Asakusa station gobble Jess’s ticket on arrival, barring our entrance to the suburb in which our hostel resides. Train station officials would rather we missed our flight.

Saturday, 16:10PM: Leave our closet of a hostel room (albeit with a delightful view of the Sumida River and a golden turd, better known as the Asahi Flame) in favour of Akihabara, home for those with an obsessive interest in everything anime and manga. Japan actually has a word for people like this/Jess: otaku. Get lost on the way to this cultural centre, obviously. But, fortunately, a cheerful old man, seemingly unfazed by his lack of teeth, points us towards the costumed coupon girls and giant, flashing billboards. He is unfazed, even, when we thank him in Korean. Oops.

Saturday, 19:50PM: Despite our dwindling energy, we decide we have to see Tokyo from the sky. One snaking queue and a 350-meter elevator ride later, Jess and I are gawking down at the capital of Japan from a fair way up the tallest structure in the country. Lights, lights, lights as far as the eye can see them.

Sunday, 7:30AM: Jess wakes with body aches and a fever. Not sure how I managed to avoid the chills – I was the idiot who went to bed damp in 5°C, on account of having dried myself with the communal bathroom’s shower mat. Note to self: ALWAYS pack a towel.

Sunday, 11:00AM: I’m breakfasted, Jess is drugged and we’ve successfully navigated the train system to Shinjuku. But this station is so enormous, our navigational triumphs grind to a halt. Attempts to locate the intercity bus terminal keep landing us back at the local bus stop, and since a ticket booth is far beyond this country (commuters load payments onto a card using a talking machine), there is no one to ask for directions. A sign for JR lifts our spirits: the express bus company we discovered online! (About the only thing we bothered to discover online) But, alas, all buses are chock-a-block. A quivering, weak mess of a Jess cowers in a corner of Burger King while I follow her Maps App to the next nearest JR.

Sunday, 13:30PM: My legs are wobbly, and Jess is passed out on her food tray, but, get this: I have our overnight bus tickets to Kyoto dramatically pressed against my chest as I launch myself triumphantly into the fast food chain. With nine hours until departure, we catch a train to Harajuku, nailing the subway system for the first time. Well, almost. Jess drops her ticket into the wrong machine, but it doesn’t count. She’s barely able to lift her feet to follow me around Tokyo.

Sunday, 15:05PM: I’m not sure if it’s the forest of evergreen trees towering above me, or the fact that I’ve just purified my hands at a fountain using a ladle of bamboo, or perhaps that we’ve just stumbled straight into a traditional wedding procession, but Meiji Shrine has me wrapped in its awe and delicate beauty. The newlyweds link arms, and I bow in front of the shrine entrance, vowing to harmonise with nature and be pure of heart.

Sunday, 20:25PM: It’s way past rush hour, but Shibuya Crossing is a sea of activity - a far jump from the serenity we’ve just left. For a whole, bewildering minute every robot cycle, this intersection is for people instead of cars. As all lights turn red, in every direction, hundreds of pedestrians instantly spill into the street. But, 60 seconds later, they’ve vanished, just as fast. Jess and I join the sea of bustling bodies (despite having no interest in the surrounding 100+ boutiques). Twice.

Monday, 6:00AM: The temperature is below zero, we’re in an exhaustion-induced trance, and people keep opening the door of the bus station, allowing wafts of frosty air to whip our weary faces. Don’t get me wrong: the bus was impressive. But, despite the conveniently-placed toilets, sufficient plug points, reclining seats, and dark curtains, a deep sleep was a little too optimistic on my part. With some straining of the eye, I notice dim lights in a nearish-by coffee shop.

Monday, 7:00AM: The stink-eye I would have directed at the next human who opened that damned bus station door… Luckily, the low lamps were not a mirage. We’re getting the stink-eye instead, for munching our store-bought snacks next to those we bought in-house. Or, maybe the waiter disapproves more of our audible laughter at the ‘flushing noise’ device we found equipped in each toilet stall. Surely bathroom prowlers will catch onto your number-two anyway if they hear more than one flush?

Monday, 8:40AM: We’ve decided it’s a reasonable enough hour to dump our hefty luggage at the hostel, even if we can only access our room at 3pm. In return for our bags, the staff, unpredictably, hand us our key card, so we decide to take a quick peak. The shriek escaping from inside the room is so sudden and so shrill, that all I notice before the door slams shut is some discarded clothing sprawled across the floor. Well, at least it’s a larger floor than at the last spot.

Monday, 10:45AM: We appear to be much more successful at navigating the bus system than the subway, because we have arrived at the entrance of Kinkaku-ji with our only misdemeanour being some short, unintended naps on the floor of the vehicle. We’ve chosen a good day for such an enchanting endeavour: standing magnificently before us is the Golden Pavilion, probably Kyoto’s most famous temple, shining against the backdrop of a sapphire sky, and its perfectly still reflection in the lake before it. We can’t quite bring ourselves to leave, so we wander the stone paths woven around small shrines, ponds and moss-covered floors, inhaling the magic of the place, and trying desperately to earn some luck by landing our loose coins in their collection bowls.

Monday, 12:30PM: We’re in a cosy eatery atop a cluttered curio shop because, for the first time in two days, Jess responded “I could eat” at the mention of my growling belly. We munch on tempura prawn udon, better than any we’d ever tried (and, boy, had we tried) two hours across the sea, in Korea.

Monday, 16:40PM: It’s not the best hour to be in the thick of the Arashiyama Bamboo Grove. The sunlight can no longer filter through the stalks and cast dazzling, dusty beams onto the paths. But, the famous forest isn’t any less charming now. Especially when we encounter an elderly man in a shadow, bent over a miniature canvas. If I hadn’t noticed the paint tubes beside his disintegrating shoes, I would have mistaken his artwork for a photograph.

Monday, 19:20PM: More hairy eyeballs headed our way. This time from the elderly in the bus, because we stole their priority seats. Maybe we haven’t got the bus system down after all.

Monday, 21:05PM: In an effort to slip inside before closing time, we’ve sprinted all the way to a popular sushi restaurant, but it doesn’t seem to exist. Evidently, I’m hopelessly inept at reading maps, even when they’ve been written by a hostel for tourists, in English, decorated with comically-drawn landmarks. We’ve gone up stairs, down stairs, across bridges, underneath them, and trespassed construction sites before Jess remembers to use her reading skills, and deciphers the sign of our no-longer-elusive restaurant in Japanese. Boy, am I glad she did. Five kinds of salmon sushi later (plain, fatty, pan-seared, lean, roe), I begin to indulge in the other fish circling before me, along with the green tea on tap at my seat.

Tuesday, 12:25PM: Of course we’re lost again, because I booked the traditional tea ceremony, assuming the directions on their website were child’s play. As my watch is about to declare us late, a foreigner in kimono waltzes past us and directly towards the gate we couldn’t find. I silently thank the employee for his perfect timing. But, he’s not an employee. He’s a Moroccan who attends tea ceremonies in the appropriate attire and is remarkably good at reading maps.

Tuesday, 12:40PM: Masumi, our host is precise in her movements, and concise with her words. She embodies the key concepts every ceremony vows to honour: wa – harmony in nature, kei – respect, sei – purity, and jaku – tranquillity. When it’s our turn to host, we use Masumi’s tea scoop, tenderly named after the snow atop Mount Fuji, to place the matcha into the tea bowl faced towards us. Our tea is whisked into an avocado-green froth – bitter, but beautiful.

Tuesday, 14:00PM: Omar, the Moroccan, decides to follow us to Nishiki Market for lunch, but since he’s a walking map, we find ourselves following him instead. Taking advantage of his new role, he detours slightly, and before we know it, Omar is handing us each a chocolate-pudding sensation from Krispy Kreme’s. I salivate at the sight of them but I also want to hurl them at his head, because just a few steps ahead of me is a food-filled alleyway which has no end. Spicy rice, teriyaki eel, honeyed sweet potatoes, and baby octopi on sticks, their heads bulging with the boiled quailed eggs inside them, are all cast in unfamiliar glows from the stained-glass roof above them. I squeeze every single one of these Japanese delights into my fast-filling belly, but linger on the last one longest, savouring each unusual mouthful.

Tuesday, 15:45PM: I like Omar, despite the donut incident. He tells me I have the spirit of a dancer inside me (he’s obviously never seen my moves), and that I should choose the road that feels ‘right’. He’s directing us again, this time to Gion, but he assures me he’ll land us there, no matter which path I choose. As I’m mulling over his superb directing skills, we arrive, not in Kyoto’s most famous geisha district, but at the Manga Museum. Jess, of course, is delighted at the mishap.

Tuesday, 18:20PM: A befuddled Omar had, after some badgering, agreed to a taxi, and so, eventually, we’re gazing up at the traditional wooden machiya houses against the backdrop of a pink sky. We’re not expecting to see a geisha. Their presence is restricted to those who dine at ochayas, exclusive and expensive establishments not catering for backpacking foreigners. But, suddenly, a short, strident noise escapes Omar’s lips, and he’s pointing. There, sitting respectfully in the backseat of a white Toyota, are two immaculate white faces, off to entertain as dusk falls on our final day in Japan.

See photos here.