#so my immune system is off the shits. and i keep breaking out. in the middle of the night

[dangans-ur-ronpas]

got two different allergic reactions to two different shampoos my immune system in the PITS. fuck this stupid baka integumentary system

[woso-dreamzzz]

Illness

Barcelona Femení x Teen!Reader

Summary: You hide an illness

If you weren't delirious with a fever and sweating bullets, you would have described this moment as the most embarrassing moment of your life.

The semi-final El Clásico was one of the most important of the season and it was such bad luck that you had fallen ill the week before. It was most likely the flu but you never went to any doctor to get it checked out. Instead, you hunkered down in your apartment and refused to leave until you got better.

Only, you never did get fully better. Your immune system was as strong as a wall of feathers so you just decided to channel your inner Oscar winner and pretend you were fine.

You arrived at training every day after taking enough painkillers to fell an ox and hydrate yourself to the point that you were sure that your bladder had to force itself to grow.

It paid off though because you were part of the squad going to Madrid and you caught up on sleep during the train ride so could keep up your façade all the way up to the match day.

Your head was pounding as you finally stepped onto the pitch about ten minutes after half time, sliding easily into Lucy's position as the ball went back into play.

Thankfully, football was an instinct rather than a conscious thought at this point and even with a banging headache, achy limbs and a blocked nose, you played without much issue.

"Hey," Irene said as you took a little break from running to walk over to the corner that was being set up," You okay? You're slower than usual today."

You fanned yourself with your jersey. "Just a little hot."

She gave you an odd look. "It isn't that hot. You haven't been on the pitch for long."

You gave her a shrug and lied straight to her face," Really? I guess I'm just running warm today." You picked up the pace and slotted yourself between Athenea and Olga.

It was almost slow motion as Salma sent a cross into the box. Olga tried to push you forward and away while Athenea's elbow stabbed you straight in the eye.

You dropped like a brick backwards into Olga, who surprised by your sudden weight, dropped you on the floor. Your head banged painfully against the grass and you groaned.

There was a slight ringing in your ears but you couldn't focus on anything but the desperate churning of your stomach. You squeezed your eyes tight to try to stem the swirling but it just made stars explode behind your eyelids as your face throbbed from Athenea's elbow.

Your stomach bubbled up and you felt a hand on your shoulder.

"Hey, kid, you okay?" It was Irene and she jostled you slightly.

That was what did it and you rolled over onto your stomach just in time to surrender your dinner.

You burst into tears, sobbing into the grass.

"Holy shit, y/n," Mariona said," You're burning up! Are you sick?"

"You're sick?!"

You continued to cry into the grass. With your usual caretaker (Alexia) out of the team for the rest of the month, it meant Irene was in charge of you.

You couldn't decide if you would rather Alexia at this moment.

"Go away," You cried into the grass.

"Can't do that," Ingrid said as she crouched over you," The medics are coming to get you."

You turned your head to look at her.

"She got you good, huh?" Ingrid said, her fingers ghosting over your swollen eye.

"Ingrid," You croaked out," My head hurts."

"I'm sure. That was a nasty fall."

"Hurt before that too."

She made a sympathetic noise as she helped you sit up for the medics to have a proper look at you.

You were escorted straight off when they checked the dilation of your pupils.

Lucy trailed back with you along with Marta, who looked to already be on the phone with Alexia. You knew your caretaker would be watching the match so it wasn't a surprise that she had already called someone the moment you went down.

"Got quite the shiner there," Lucy commented as she inspected your bruised eye," Trying to look like Mapi?"

"At least it isn't bleeding," You said before descending into a coughing fit, thumping at your chest to try and regain your breath.

Lucy laughed but quietened when Marta held the phone out to you. You tried to ignore the sinking feeling you felt when you saw Alexia's contact picture.

You cleared your throat.

"Hola?"

"I knew it!" Alexia declared.

"Know what?" You tried to play dumb even though your whole body protested.

"When I saw you yesterday and you told me you were back to full health! I knew you were lying to me! You're still sick!"

"Barely." Your defence didn't help when you started coughing again.

"You sound horrible," Alexia said bluntly," You're not playing the final. I'll have you benched."

"I'll be benched anyway. I've got a bruise the size of my fucking country on my eye and a concussion, probably."

"We'll have a talk about hiding illness when you get home," Alexia said," And I'll have to leave a message for your captain."

You would have rolled your eyes if it didn't cause a whole new pain to shoot through your skull. Your nose was all blocked up again so the pressure in your head was only mounting. "You're my captain."

"Your national captain."

"Oh, what? You can't tell Leah! She'll go barmy! I'll be lectured for hours!"

"You're being lectured regardless, by me," Alexia said," Now, rest up, drinks lots and I'll see you in a few days."

You didn't even get the chance to watch the end of the match because Marta forced you back to the hotel and into your room.

"No screens," She said when you moved to turn on the tv.

"Well, what else am I meant to do?" You complained, blowing out your nose.

"Well, for one, you can use the bucket on the floor if you feel like you're going to be sick."

"I'm not going to throw up."

"You threw up on the pitch." Marta just had to remind you of the most embarrassing moment of your life and your cheeks flushed red out of embarrassment now instead of your fever.

"But I won't now."

Marta didn't get time to respond because the door to your room got thrown open and Patri sprawled herself next to you on the bed.

"Welcome back to the land of the living," She teased, dumping some chocolate onto your lap.

"Patri," Marta groaned," She's sick and injured. She needs rest."

"She needs company. She's still human. You can't just lock her in her room like she's Rapunzel."

Marta rolled her eyes and swatted at Patri. "She doesn't need you hindering her recovery. Go on, out with you."

"Nah," Patri said as she got comfortable," I think I'll stay here. Besides, y/n wants me to stay."

You sent Marta your most pathetic and sad look.

"Please, Marta?" You begged," I promise she'll help me. It'll be nice to have some company."

Marta sighed deeply. "Fine but just for now. This all might change by the time Alexia gets her."

You groaned and flopped back to lay against your pillows properly. "Don't remind me."

[thesuperiorrobin]

𝐇𝐞𝐚𝐥𝐢𝐧𝐠 𝐟𝐨𝐫 𝐭𝐨𝐧𝐠𝐮𝐞 𝐚𝐜𝐭𝐢𝐨𝐧~

Type: straight up headcanon. Based off when my parents let me decide if I want a tongue piercing or a nose piercing. Spoiler it was not a tongue piercing :/. I’m too much of a wuss to let anything near my mouth. I actually do know how long it takes for them to heal but my mom told me it takes about 2 weeks cause she got one when she was 14.

Warning: mentions of make outs, OOC Damian, horny Damian.

^doesn’t know. You wanted to keep a a surprise.

^ you only told him when he had came back from a three week long mission, when he had snuck into your room at night and tried to kiss you but you dived it for obvious reason.

^he was butt hurt when you did it and when he tried again you dogged it one more time with a smile as he glares down at you.

“What’s up with you? Are you mad at me?”

“No I just can’t kiss you”

“Are you sick? Cause may I remind you I have a very strong immune system”

^you laugh at him while he stands there confused and after a minute of trying to calm down you show him why. You open your mouth to show him why.

^He’s confused until his green eyes land on the silver ball that’s right above the tip of your tongue. He grabs ahold of your chin just to get a better look. Eyes lingering for a second until he glances right back at you.

“Is that Real?”

*you hum and he lets go.

“Yep. So no kissing until it’s healed”

^ there’s a shit eating grin on your face.

“How long will that take?”

“It should take about a week or so but no tongue action for at least 2 weeks”

“2 weeks? Why do you do this to me?”

^he dreads the healing process. He can kiss no one the lips, cause he knows if he did he won’t have any self control. So he’s best bet for the weeks was giving you kisses everywhere but your lips.

^and hates how you tease him. How you kiss him at the edge of his mouth. It’s so close but so far. He doesn’t like it.

^sometimes he likes to look at it. When you’re talking he’s only focus on the silver ball and probably nothing more. other times he grabs ahold of your chin and you open your mouth knowing what he wants.

^those 2 weeks feel like years to him.

^but he’s been counting those days and you know it. It’s like new year’s countdowns. He’s waiting until the ball drops so he can latch on to you and kiss you.

^and when those two week are up he’s sneaking into your window. As you great him with a hello, he doesn’t get a word in when he jumps you and drags you to bed. Lips attaching to one another harshly.

^the new feeling of the metal against his tongue drives him insane as he plays with your tongue with his. It sends a spark between the two of you as you let out groans and moans. As always you’re the first to lean away.

^you two are breathing heavily and you manage to let out a breathy laugh.

“If I knew you would have been this turned on I would have pierced my tongue sooner”

^he doesn’t answer you back instead his diving right back in, mouth latched back on to yours and tongues fighting for dominance.

I’m taking a small break from my one shots. I’ve been really burned out lately from school and work. But I’ll work on headcanons for a bit.

[feyhunter78]

Pink Pastels Pt 12

Description: Gabi has a fever and Miguel needs to go retrieve her book.

Pt 13

Gabi has a fever, a low one, nothing to worry about, but Miguel kept her home from school, so she could rest. He actually enjoys her sick days, not her being sick, but how he gets an excuse to take off work and spend all day watching TV with her.

She snuggles up against him, and eats slices of strawberries he cut up earlier, while telling him the backstory of every show that they watch.

He has her go to bed way earlier than usual, tucking her in and retreating into the kitchen to prepare her lunch for tomorrow. Her fever hasn’t broken yet, but it could in the morning, and he wants her to be prepared.

“Papá, I forgot something.” Gabi’s voice is tinged with sleep, and she’s in her light blue pajamas decorated with little cartoon hippos, her stuffed bear under her arm.

“Forgot what, Mija?” He asks, padding over to her and resting the back of his hand on her forehead, still a little warm.

“I left my book at school, and I need it, or I’ll fall behind the others.” Her bottom lip is trembling, her eyes, just like his, rimmed with tears.

No one likes to be sick, and he knows it’s so much harder on kids because they just don’t understand and don’t know how to feel better. It wears on them and their still developing immune systems.

“I can go by and get it tomorrow, okay?”

She pouts, tears rolling down her cheek as she hugs her bear Oso to her chest. “I need it now, please, I promise I’ll go to bed right now, but you have to get my book.”

He glances at the time on the microwave, six forty-five. It’s not too late, there might still be someone there and if not, he can just sneak in.

“Okay Mija, I’m going to ask Tia Margo to come watch you while I go get your book, but you better be fast asleep when I get back.” He points a faux stern finger at her, and she giggles.

“I will be, I promise.”

He’s lucky, the school is still open, and he heads straight for your room. He’s a few steps away, the colorful paper decorating your door visible when he hears it.

You’re crying.

“I don’t know what you wanted me to do, Todd, you were being an asshole.”

He leans forward, enhanced hearing picking up the other side of the conversation.

“Shit, I don’t know Y/N, maybe humor a guy for once?”

“Humor you? What you said was so degrading, how could you even think that was okay?” You’re still crying, but he can pick out the notes of anger in your voice.

“You’re such a bitch, this is why the guys keep telling me to break up with you.” Todd sneers.

You fall silent, a sob bubbling forth, and Miguel’s heart bleeds. He wants to comfort you, but knows you’ll be embarrassed to be seen in such a state.

“I could get with so many other girls y/n, but I choose you, so maybe act a little grateful?”

“Grateful?” You echo, shock evident.

“Yeah, grateful.”

You laugh, the sound sharp, piercing, like glass shattering. “Fuck you Todd, we’re done, get the fuck out of my life, never call me again, I hope you fucking fall off a bridge.”

Fall off a bridge? Miguel smothers a laugh, now that was an idea.

You hang up and slam your phone down, before sinking into your desk chair.

He peeks his head into the room to see your head buried in your arms, your shoulder shaking softly.

“Ms. Y/N?” He knocks on the door frame, and you shoot up quickly, trying to wipe away your tears.

“Mr. O’Hara, hi, I-I’m so sorry, did we have an appointment?” Your voice is watery, false cheeriness pushing through.

“No, Gabi left her book here, and she didn’t want to fall behind.” He explains, walking over to her desk and quickly finding the book.

“Oh, I see, well she doesn’t need to wor—” You burst into tears, your words lost in sobs.

He moves, leaves Gabi’s book on her desk, and pulls you to his chest. “Y/N, what’s wrong?”

You wrap your arms around him, sobbing into his shirt. “This parent, she-she was so mean, and I just want her son to be supported, and then Todd, and he—”

Miguel shushes you gently, swaying back and forth with you, resting his chin on the crown of your head. “It’s alright, cariño, it’s alright.”

You squeeze him tighter, desperate for comfort, and he feels his heart is going to burst. You fit so perfectly in his arms, and you smell so good, that same scent of wisteria and fresh laundry. “I just—she said I was a subpar teacher, and that I didn’t care about my kids.”

He bristles. “She’s lying, you’re an amazing teacher. You love your kids deeply, and they love you.”

You continue to cry, and he cards his fingers through your hair, as he coos and whispers reassurances.

“And Todd, he’s such a dick, and now we’re over, and he’s going to try and turn all our friends against me, and then I won’t have any friends and—”

He pulls back and cups your face. “You will have friends; you are a kind and loving person who is a joy to be around. Anyone who listens to Todd over you is an idiot.”

You meet his eyes, and he feels your grip on his arms loosen. “I—thank you, Mr. O’Hara.”

“Miguel.” He says gently, brushing the tears from your face.

A flicker of recognition goes through your eyes, but then it fades, and you move to step away from him. “Thank you, Miguel. And I’m sorry you had to see such a state, I promise I’m not so emotional in front of my class.”

He doesn’t let you leave, keeps his hands framing your face, and takes a step forward for the one you took back. “No apology needed. I’d like to consider us friends, and it’s the least I could do for a friend.”

The smile that blooms on your lips is radiant, and he stops himself from staggering back.

“I’d like that too.”

He doesn’t want to release you; he wants to hold you forever. Keep you safe in his arms, away from anything that could upset you.

Your phone rings and you turn away to pick it up.

He waits as you walk out into the hall, your voice hushed as you talk quickly with someone on the other line.

You come back in, a fresh wave of tears accompanying you. “My landlord just—Todd destroyed my—evicted.”

Your words are choppy, but he gets the gist. Todd must have gone to your place and trashed it, your landlord got fed up with Todd’s actions, and now you’re out on the streets.

“Let me make a few calls, I’ll take care of this.” He reassures you, pulling you back into his embrace as he calls Lyla, keeping her on the phone and not appearing in midair. He talks to her in Spanish, so you’re unaware of his plan and once she confirms it’s all been set up, he drops back into English. “The apartment next to mine, it’s been sitting empty for months, I’m good friends with the landlord, he’s desperate to rent it out.”

“I have to get all my stuff and—”

“I’ll help you."

Tag list: @nyctophilic0vitnir, @miggyoharaswife, @badbishsblog, @imisshim2much, @wanderlustingcastaway, @lynn-9703, @sleepyamaya, @erensbbg, @sweetea85, @ilovemiguelohara, @natthernandez, @stxrrielle, @ihateuguys, @jenniferdixon05207, @blep-23, @luvisaaxoxo, @minimari415, @emerald-09, @violet-19999, @kenchosaikuo, @groovycass, @youcantseem3, @lovefks, @nightshxdex, @dusstory, @aesniri, @munsonssecretblog, @kirke-is-my-name, @starbearieee, @chatoicboy, @act1839, @needsleep3000, @totally-not-georgia, @witchy-lizard, @cxmeiloorun7, @justrandomlolidk, @chimpkinnuggies, @alicefallsintotherabbithole, @loser-alert, @wwwellacom, @ryantryan6969, @lollipopin, @blakeaha, @youcantseem3, @a-cult-leader, @verexi, @purpleskiesandroses, @they2luv1naia, @sophiaj650, @idolautism, @rheannajrs, @merakiq

[brucewaynehater101]

There's nothing I love more than Tim-centric fics, either with BAMF Tim, caffeine addicted Tim or even fics were Tim is like v overworked w/ poor/unhealthy living habits and very done with everything.

But I feel realistically(or atleast a bit more realistically), Tim would take care of his health and body(probably bcuz even the slightest of colds or infections would keep him off the field for weeks at the least).

Tim's immune system is as good as shit, due to him losing his spleen *and* getting the clench twice(I think? don't really remember), so Tim *has* to take care of himself to stay healthy, he sleeps 8 hours a day(w/ occasional all-nighters, probably. .), manages his time correctly, boycotting red meats and dairies(cuz of asplenia), etc etc..

[sorry if there's any grammatical errors or if the sentences sounded a bit awkward to read, English isn't my native language]

[You're absolutely fine. I do not judge asks based on grammar, spelling, or sentence structure. Yours was well worded, but I don't mind spending an extra minute if it's not worded clearly. I struggle with reading comprehension, and others have their struggles as well. Thank you for the effort of putting the ask in my language even if it's not your native one]

I agree that it's very highly improbable that Tim, post spleen loss, is not on top of his health. In fact, it would perfectly align with his character if he was way too into managing his own health.

This means he has schedules upon schedules upon schedules for working out, eating, sleeping, etc. His vigilante work (and sometimes friends/family) interfere, so he has meticulous mental notes to try to balance things out as they shift.

Tim does not want to be forced to be out of the field for something preventable (especially due to his guilt complex if any of his family members get hurt during that time). If he needs to spend a ton of mental points to prevent this, he will.

Hmm... What would be interesting is seeing a fanon Tim (not sleeping, over caffeinated, barely taking care of wounds) being forced to change all of those habits after the BruceQuest. His frustration, exhaustion, and the way his plans never stay on schedule would be fabulous to explore (Tim breaking down due to the new limitations he *has* to impose upon himself).

[thedisablednaturalist]

Tw for weight loss mention

The whole exercise will cure your disability thing is a fucking joke. Yes exercise is beneficial for your health, but only if you aren't already on shaky foundations. You need to be on a treatment plan that WORKS before going into the maintenance phase. You wouldn't do regular maintenance on a broken item, you'd work on getting it up and running first. And maybe it would even need specialized maintenance afterwards if it's especially fragile.

I have fibromyalgia and acute degenerative disc disease. My immune system attacks my nerves and discs in my spine are slowly calcifying and causing the bones to constrict and damage my nerves (i think thats how it works). I have days where it feels like my body is on fire from nerve pain and days where it feels like my spine is about to rip from my back. And days where I have both (like today!). I get numbness in my hands and feet. I have horrible migraines. I can no longer walk unaided more than maybe 5 minutes without severe pain. I have something wrong with my knees and hips but the doctors don't know what yet.

You'd think I live an obviously seditary lifestyle correct?

Hell no.

I walk aided on average 6 miles a day over difficult terrain OUTSIDE of regular activity almost everyday. My legs are muscular and strong. I get my heart rate up and a good sweat, like all the gym rats swear on. I am often doing physical labor such as weeding, digging, sample collecting, pruning trees etc.

I'm not saying this to make other disabled people feel bad or prove that they can do anything if they just tried harder. This is an extremely painful lifestyle I've chosen that takes a lot of lifestyle management AND BOUNDARIES to keep up with the work. I also have an extremely forgiving boss who is also physically disabled and knows what I'm going through (deciding between your passion and your health and having to do so each and every day) No one should ever be expected to do what I do. I'm not even sure if I should be doing this myself.

This is to prove that exercise? Has not cured me. My muscles are strong but still hurt as if they're broken and I have to take more breaks than my coworker. I am constantly getting out of breath and I flare up regularly if I'm not careful. I am in excellent physical condition outside of my disabilities. I go to different doctors several times a month to get checked out.

I previously went through a diet program and lost a lot of weight (basically starving myself and got off my depression meds which cause weight gain but are also the only ones that work) and guess what? That didn't do shit either!!! I still felt horrible!!! I've since gained back the weight anyway after switching to focusing on adding more nutrient dense foods than taking stuff away from my diet (also muscle weighs more than fat, and fat helps cushion my aching joints and spine).

The muscle doesn't do shit for my disabilities outside of maybe some stability. Exercising everyday doesn't make the pain go away. Without my medications and aids and nutrition plans and steroid injections and spinal adjustments and physical therapy (that takes my fibro and spine into account) and alternative work methods I WOULD NOT BE ABLE TO DO WHAT I DO. Exercise alone is like trying to make a car run with no oil. Yes it'll go but it'll get more and more damaged till it can't and will need its entire engine replaced!

And yet I see new doctors and they look at me and the first thing out of their mouths is do I exercise? I should try doing a little every day :) and then i fucking blow their minds when I tell them about my job. No longer can they use that fucking cop out on me. I've been through this rodeo. Ive tried their suggestions. If you are in pain and nothing is helping? Exercise ain't going to do SHIT. You need to get to a point where you can move without severe pain first (if that's even possible). Then and only then should you consider implementing regular exercise if you can. Also weight loss talk is a red flag and a cop out. They made me lose 50+ lbs before they would look into the reasons behind my pain. Weight loss did nothing for me and exacerbated my pain.

I am living proof that all that shit is a lie and a cop out. That is the point of this post. I cannot believe people with serious medical conditions are being forced to put their bodies through extreme duress just to be believed. You are not disabled because of laziness or because you sit a lot. Plenty of people live seditary lifestyles and do not live in constant excruciating pain (they may develop disabilities later in life due to this however, and should be doing preventative exercises to maintain their health)

Please, share my story with doctors. Use me as an example. I am proof that "exercise first treat later" does not work. I should not have had to wait years to have my pain validated. I'd rather hundreds of fakers get (what? A blood test? An MRI?) than one chronically ill person get told to try yoga and go away by a doctor.

[maaarshieee]

⎯⎯ ୨ Sick Days ୧ ⎯⎯

ੈ♡˳ Il Dottore x Gn!Reader *ೃ༄

ੈ♡˳ 2.0k words ┊ Fluff-Hurt/comfort *ೃ༄

ੈ♡˳ Masterlist *ೃ༄

author's note ˚ ༘♡ ⋆｡˚

now isn't this such an interesting plot? hehe,, something short to keep the creative juices flowing plus i think it's funny how unhinged my zandik interpretation is... have a great day/night!! OH AND IM BEGGING FOR PANTALONE, WANDERER, ALHAITHAM AND DOTTORE REQUESTS HEHEHE, also this got out of hand...

˚₊· ͟͟͞͞➳❥ cw: canon typical violence, basic dottore warnings, mentions of experiments, arguing, choking but not really?

It wasn't often that you'd get sick ever since you got together with Dottore. Your immune system has gotten better throughout the years, all because of the medicines and special treatments Dottore has put you through. Of course, these were only for you, and everything he has done only benefited you. He never dared to hurt you on purpose, only wishing to keep you healthy, safe, and sound.

So whenever you get sick, usually once every year, he'd be the one keeping an eye on you. Not a segment, no, screw everything else! He will take care of you and he will not give a damn about the Fatui until you've fully recovered. You always tease him for this, cooing at how sweet he is, which ultimately pisses him off and leads him to give you the most bitter concoctions he could ever make. You should be honored that Dottore himself is taking care of you (not like you had any say about it, he will get upset if you don't let him nurse you back to health).

With a cold, wet piece of cloth on your forehead, sniffling lightly as you struggled to breathe due to your clogged nose, you couldn't help but reminisce when your eyes wandered over Dottore's back. At the moment, he's taking notes of your vitals and overall health for the past few months, making sure nothing else was amiss. "Hehe, this reminds me of those times..." You rasped from your bed, snuggling more into your blankets as you closed your sore eyes. The sounds of Dottore's clothes shifting and the click of his heels indicated he was walking towards you, then the silent screech of the wooden chair told you that he had taken a seat next to your bed.

Even without opening your eyes, you could see the huge scowl on his face. How could he not? After all, he was an absolute mess when he got sick.

"Zandik, I swear to Celestia I will strap you down on one of your operation tables if you don't stay on your bed and let yourself recover in the normal way!"

"I can make my own damn medicine, why do I have to drink those ones you've bought at the market!? Have you no faith in my medicinal expertise!?"

"YES. I DON'T, BECAUSE YOU'VE POISONED YOURSELF 3 TIMES ALREADY. GET YOUR ASS BACK TO YOUR BED."

From early in the morning, to late at night, your neighbors always send noise complaints to the house you're currently renting while you studied at the Akademiya whenever Zandik was sick. Which was pretty often! With his ungodly sleep schedule, nonexistent breaks, and endless business, you wonder if his specialty as a doctor was only a bullshit thing he made up because he's always driving himself to death with his research. Oh, and he forgets to eat at least 2 meals a day.

And with him being sick, you're splurging extra mora to buy food from restaurants and taking them back home because you couldn't cook for shit. Zandik was the cook of your shared home; he even gives you death threats when you step into his 'territory' (the kitchen).

He's seriously the end of you. You don't understand why you even put up with it.

After physically wrestling Zandik back to his bed, hiding his damned scrolls and files about his research out of his reach and locked inside your drawers, you can finally put a wet piece of cloth back onto his forehead, watching him shiver at its coldness. Heaving a small sigh of relief, you unbuttoned his messy dress shirt and began wiping his body with another wet cloth with Zandik's hands gripping your wrist but still allowing you to rub all over his warm chest. It seemed to be a tad effective, his tense muscles slowly relaxing under your touch and his furrowed brows finally straightened, the back of his head falling onto the pillow.

"Fuck's sake Zandik," You muttered under your breath when his breathing grew heavy, struggling to breathe through his clogged nose. Taking out an ointment that you've been working on for the past few days, you sneaked your hand under his sweaty head to lift it up lightly, letting him sniff the ointment and biting your bottom lip, hoping that it was effective. And it proved to be a success when his breathing slowly smoothened, cheering internally. "Good, it worked." You shook your head in disbelief as you began rubbing the ointment on his shoulders, all the way down to his chest, trying to alleviate the ache in his body by massaging him. "Can't believe the ointment worked considering I only picked up medicine ever since you came into my life."

As expected, Zandik groaned at the returning warmth on his chest, shooting you an accusing glare but you only pressed your hands a little harder against his shoulders, rubbing with careful motions. Before Zandik could open his mouth, you quickly explained the ointment you made. "It's made out of a bunch of cough suppressants, topical analgesics, and some essential oils. Not a cure for any illness, but it helps relieve muscle pain and its vapors can help clear your breathing." You say each word slowly, letting his hazy mind catch up with your explanation. "Feeling any better?"

Zandik let out a grunt, baring his teeth at you, before silently admitting that he was feeling much better than before. "... My muscles don't ache anymore and my nose isn't clogged." Then he scowled again, eyeing the small container of ointment in your hands. "I'm not fond of its strong smell and warmth."

"Well, that's kinda the main thing about it."

Zandik rolled his eyes, shuffling on the bed and trying to sit up, only to be flicked on the forehead by you and laid back down. "Then I ought to make a better ointment than yours." He swatted your hand away, and you could he just became more aggravated. "What's the point if it's not a cure? Just because it made me feel better doesn't mean you're better than me."

His words definitely shocked you. And enraged you. So much so that you've accidentally dropped the basin full of water, where you've been dripping the piece of cloth, down to the floor. Zandik's eyes snapped to yours and he saw, for the first time, the way your eyes so viciously glared at him, mouth curled into a deep frown. "Well, excuse me for making an ointment only for you because I was concerned about your well-being because when you're sick, it's 10 times worse since you don't give 2 shits about yourself." You started, and Zandik wanted to argue but you kept going, shutting him up when he felt your hand wrap around his neck, squeezing the sides of his neck, but not entirely choking him. This caught him off guard, eyes widening at your growing rage. "I know you're bound to make some discovery that can make you immune to most illnesses, that's how good I think you are. But by the time you'll reach it, you'd be dead because you refuse to acknowledge that your body is deteriorating from your lack of care! And I have to care in your stead!"

Zandik struggled to speak with how tight your hand was wrapped around his neck, but he managed to muster out a whisper. "Then why do you care?" If he's such a burden to you, why even go as far as wasting your time on him? Your concerns and worries when he clearly inconveniences you. He knew that you've been missing classes and your due dates for your projects just to help him get through his fever and make that ointment, but he doesn't get why.

That seemed to anger you even more, but now it paired with glistening tears in your eyes as you grabbed his unbuttoned collar, hands shaking. Zandik couldn't tell if it was from your fury or something else. "Because I love you, damn it! I care about you because ever since you barged into my life, I started falling for your stupid antics and got invested in your research!" Zandik seemed stunned at your confession, his hands slowly making their way onto your wrists. "I started caring when you suddenly promised that you'd make me immortal alongside you! When you'd cook for me every damn day because I'd go broke or starve to death if you don't... A blind person could say you care about me as much as I care about you, so I made this stupid fucking alternative medicine to make this easier for you!"

You let go of his collar, letting him fall onto his back which made his head spin. His head pounded painfully from the massive headache he got from your yelling and manhandling, but could barely care, only keeping his eyes on you, conflicted. Throwing the small container of ointment to the ground, you picked up the fallen basin and walked out of his room. With one last glance back at him, you cursed under your breath before saying; "Don't get up and sleep, Zandik." Then you shut the door with a slam, leaving him all alone in his room.

For the next few days, you noticed that he'd grown more compliant to your demands, only reduced to grumbling against your wishes but still obeying nonetheless. You could only assume that the words you've said to him that night affected him, seeing that he's even willingly putting with your ointment's strong smell. In no time, he's back to his normal self, no longer sick and back to conducting his research, but trying his best to be a little healthier. At least now he's eating more than he usually did, and the bags under his eyes have lessened.

You were extremely relieved, and after a few days of his recovery, you finally decided to stir problems back into the house with a big smirk on your lips. "Glad you're taking yourself now, Zandik." You commented one morning, catching a glimpse of him drinking coffee on the kitchen counter whilst you washed the dishes. All you got from him was a grunt as a reply, but that was enough for you. "Though, I didn't think you'd actually believe me when I told you I loved you." You heard writing pause while you kept your head turned back from him, already imagining the expression on his face. "I guess you can say my acting was pretty convincing, wasn't it?" But it truly wasn't acting, you did love Zandik, and in the heat of the moment, your emotions caught up to you last night. It wasn't intentional, your confession, but it was your true feelings. You just didn't want him to take it seriously at the time being since you were still unsure if it was mutual. You have no idea going through his head most of the time.

Not uttering a single word, he threw his cup of coffee at the wall, right next to your head. Without sparing a single moment, you ran toward the doorway, catching sight of his seething form with a laugh escaping your lips. You'll say it was a joke for now, something you had said to convince him to let you care for him. It wasn't that bad either, since he'd begun sleeping and eating more out of spite, just so you wouldn't be the one taking care of him if he ever gets sick again.

"I'm sorry for lying to you, dear." With a chuckle, you leaned into his touch as he caresses your warm cheek. In his hand was a small container of the ointment you created just for him all those years ago. Contrary to his displeasure, you quite liked the strong smell of the ointment. "But I really did love you at that point in our relationship."

Dottore pushed back the hairs that stuck on your forehead due to your sweat. He had a small frown tugging on his lips, "Was that necessary?" He sighed and shook his head at the memory, slipping off his gloves so he could put the ointment on your skin. You merely shrugged, but your smile remained. "Nope, but it did make you think about how you felt toward me, right?"

"I suppose so." He says, planting a kiss on your cheek.

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[pmak2002]

“Usul? Usul? Can you hear me Usul?”

Paul shook his head to clear the cloudiness from his brain. Everything felt off. He felt hot and cold and sweaty.

When he had woken up earlier that morning. He had brushed it off as just being sore and tired from training the day before.

“Are you ok Usul?” Stilgar asked when Paul didn’t answer.

Paul nodded.

“Yeah sorry.”

“That’s alright Usul let’s go in the Seitch and take a break yeah?”

Paul nodded. He felt so out of it and he needed to go to sleep and maybe he would feel better if he slept a little more. He stumbled after Stilgar back to the Seitch.

Once inside he was even more exhausted and he was moving even slower. He felt Stilgar grab him and help him walk back to his yali.

Chani watched as her father assisted Paul to his room. They had been out training since early morning before the rest of the Freman had awoken.

Usul looked out of sorts and it worried Chani a little. If he was coming down with something. It couldn’t be good.

Paul meanwhile was struggling to move. He felt so bad and moving was almost too much on his tired body. Leaning heavily on Stilgar as he stumbled to his yali.

Once he was in his room Stilgar helped him sit on his cot

"Stay here Usul. I will fetch a healer. Stilgar said.

Pauls shook his head.

"No No i'm ok. I don't need a healer please." Paul said before he started to cough rather violently.

Stilgar frowned

“You need a healer whether you like it or not. You are very unwell and as Lisan al Gaib. You need to be healthy.”

Stilgar left Paul’s room to fetch a Sayyandina. They would know what to do and what illness inflicted Paul.

Paul flopped down on his cot and groaned in pain. He could feel every muscle, joint and ligament in his body. The hard cot underneath him didn’t help. Sure there was a sheet and a blanket he could use to feel comfortable. It still wasn’t enough to keep him warm.

He sighed and grabbed the blanket to try to relax. His stomach was swirling around and he felt like he might throw up or shit himself. Paul groaned and pressed his hands to his stomach.

By the time Stilgar returned with a Sayyandina. Paul was curled up in the fetal position on his cot shivering under the light blanket.

“Usul let the Sayyandina look at you.”

Paul rolled over and slowly sat up. Letting the blanket fall back onto the cot.

The Sayyandina introduced herself before she began to examine him.

She carefully checked his vitals and found a raging fever of 102.9

“Hmm seems like Desert fever. Have you lost any of your body moisture?” She asked him.

Paul shook his head and swallowed hard.

“I remember my mother’s teachings I cannot lose water." Paul shivered and coughed.

“Unfortunately Desert fever will force you to lose moisture even if you don’t want to. It’s part of the illness. It’s part of a lot of the diseases here that can’t be inoculated against.”

Paul frowned and looked at Stilgar who sighed and shook his head.

The Sayyadina nodded.

“Recovery should take about a week. I will be back in a few minutes with some Melange to heal you.”

She leaves with Stilgar and Paul curls up on his cot exhausted and feverish.

He closed his eyes but all he could see was the future and the horrors it held. He wanted so badly to not see the future when he closed his eyes or was exposed to spice. It was exhausting.

Seeing his baby sister with blue eyes of Ibad and his future with Chani and Irulan. Everything clashing together making it almost impossible for him to conjure up timeline in his head.

Paul rolled over so his back faced the doorway.

The second time being sick in four months of being on Arrakis and he was starting to get frustrated with himself. Despite his Bene Gesserit training from his mother and his earlier exposure and inoculations against illnesses his body still had to be exposed to the ones he couldn’t have been inoculated against to build his immune system but also somewhat destroy it.

He felt his stomach flip violently and knew what was coming.

He quickly got up and rushed to the room where he had his own private bathroom to get violently sick from both ends. All this moisture leaving his body made him feel weak.

Why all the water why does my body want to expel this water?

Paul thought to himself as he was getting so ill.

Finally the cramping and violent seizing of his gut stopped long enough for him to clean up and head back to his cot. Wrapping himself in the thin blankets.

He groaned and coughed harshly everything hurt and his eyes were watering.

He looked up at the sound of footsteps assuming it was the Sayyadina returning to give him the healing spice Melange to heal him. But instead of a healer with the spice. It was Chani.

“You’ve taken ill again Usul?” She asked. Paul could hear the curiosity and concern in her voice.

Paul blinked trying to get his eyes to stop watering to avoid losing more moisture.

He opened his mouth to speak but all that came out was a whimper.

“Shh.” Chani said as she approached him. “You can’t afford to lose your voice too. “

Paul nodded and cringed when his head suddenly felt as if a Crysknife was stabbed into his eyes.

He yelped and grabbed at his head.

“Oh Usul.” Chani frowned as she sat next to him with a bowl of healing spice melange. Just smelling the scent of the spice was enough to make Paul gag.

Paul’s stomach gurgled and the congestion in his nose that had gone away had returned with a vengeance and his nose started to run.

He shook his head as Chani presented the spice to him.

Chani took one hand to feel his forehead and brush his sweaty curls away from his face.

“I know your stomach hurts and you feel so bad but I promise this will help. It helped last time and it will help again.” She said.

Chani grabbed a tissue to wipe at his nose.

She frowned “your nose must be dry it’s bleeding.”

Paul groaned and coughed.

“Everything hurts I really don’t feel good I don’t know what’s wrong. I’m supposed to be Lisan al Gaib.” Paul sniffed and rubbed at his nose and sure enough blood came away on his hand.

Chani used the tissue to wipe his nose again as well as the blood on his hand.

Despite him losing water Chani made no comment or snide remarks regarding how an outsider such as himself could lose all the important water in his body.

Paul groaned as his stomach gurgled and bubbled. He winced in pain.

“You are Lisan al Gaib. You’ve just been pushing yourself too hard and because you aren’t used to being on Arrakis your body can’t handle the stress and illnesses here.” Chani explained

“Now drink before it gets cold.” She said grabbing the bowl and slowly bringing it to Paul’s chapped lips. She slowly helped Paul drink the melange as well as help him drink the water from the wire beside his cot.

Paul coughed and swallowed hard. His gut gurgling angrily.

“That’s it good.” Chani said softly as she put the bowl aside and helped Paul lay down.

He was asleep within minutes but of course the visions started soon after. When he awakens a half hour later Chani is right there brushing his curls from his face. She was speaking Chakobsa in a quiet yet worried tone.

Paul whimpered as he looked up at Chani his eyes watering again.

“Oh Usul.” Chani said softly. She helped Paul to a sitting position.

“Shh” she cooed at him gently playing with his hair. She hugged him and Paul broke down in tears.

He was even more frustrated now that he was crying even more water to be lost.

But Chani didn’t reprimand him. She soothed him and rubbed his back. Paul shook in her arms as he cried. His entire body wracked with sobs and shivers.

His stomach roaring. Soon it would be demanding a purge from one end or another. Oh, how he wished it was his mother holding him or even his father. But his mother was the Reverend Mother of the Seitch and his father was dead as was Duncan. He barely had time to grieve Duncan.

Everything was being thrown at him and he couldn’t take it.

He cried in Chani’s arms. She didn’t say anything to him just let him be. Once he calmed she helped him drink from the wire by his bed.

“We need to replace your water. Especially if your body is forcing you to lose so much.” She explained. She wiped a tear from his face.

“It’ll be alright now Usul.” She said.

Paul’s stomach gurgled and he rushed off to the bathroom to get violently ill.

Chani cringed as she heard him get sick. She wasn’t used to Desert sickness being this intense but she had to keep reminding herself that he was an outworlder and illness such as this were intense in people that weren’t Freman.

When Paul returned from the bathroom. He looked worse for wear.

Chani frowned. “You need plenty of rest Muad'dib," Chani said. "The more water you lose the sicker you'll be and that's not good. Chani said.

She helped him to bed and helped him drink water to replace all the water he lost from getting so ill.

Paul whimpered as Chani was about to leave. He hated the thought of being alone, especially in his extremely weakened state.

"Oh, Usul." Chani returned to his side and joined him under the blanket. She ruffled his sweaty curls. When he began to whimper from the pain in his stomach, she used her other hand to rub where it hurt.

"it’ll be alright I'm here. I won't go anywhere." Chani soothed him. Finally thanks to Chani's company. Paul fell asleep. Thankfully no. visions plagued him and he finally got some much needed restful sleep

[stardustndreamsofsilver]

Everything is Temporary

Part Nine

Josh x Reader (f)

Warnings: breastfeeding, cursing, angst

Find All Parts Here

You spent the rest of the night getting up every two hours to feed Odette. Josh helped change her diapers and soothe her to sleep while you pumped. The next morning, you were exhausted. You could barely keep your eyes open. Josh noticed and offered to take care of Odette while you took a nap.

“No, that’s okay. You’re supposed to be leaving.” You say waving him off.

“Dammit, come on. You’re exhausted. None of your family live around here so they can’t come help you and your friends can’t come help until Odie’s immune system strengthens. I’m all you’ve got right now. Let me help. Put everything else to the side for now and let me help.” He says as he walks over to you and puts his hands on your shoulders.

You knew he was right. There wasn’t anyone else that could come help right now. So, with a sigh, you nod your head and say okay. 

“This doesn’t mean that I’m saying that you can move in. This is just temporary, until she gets into a routine.” You say.

“Okay. I’ll stay until you’ve got a routine going with her. It’s temporary.” He says, putting his hands up.

With that, you go to lay down for a nap. While you’re asleep, Josh took care of Odette. Feeding her, changing her, holding her and rocking her. Even when she was asleep, he couldn’t seem to put her down. He didn’t want to miss a single second with her. Walking around the house, he hummed softly to her songs that he’d enjoyed as a kid. 

“You are so precious to me. You are my most treasured person in the world. I have never known a love like the one I have for you.” He whispers to your sleeping angel.

You don’t wake up for another couple of hours. When you woke up, you felt so much more refreshed. But, you were engorged. Wincing, you sat up and looked down. You’d soaked through your nursing bra and shirt. Sighing, you got up and went to take the soaked clothing off and change into something clean. You put on a new nursing bra and decided to not bother with a shirt until you were done feeding Odette and pumping. Calling for Josh, you hear him start to come down the hall. Walking out of your room, you go to meet him so you take Odette and feed her. 

“Woah.” Josh says when he sees you, eyes going straight to your chest.

Scoffing, you take your daughter from his arms and say, “I’m going to go feed her. Would you mind washing my pump parts?”

“Um— Oh, yeah. I can do that.” He says, eyes never breaking contact with your chest.

Rolling your eyes and shaking your head, you walk into her room and close the door behind you. She nurses for about a half hour before she’s satisfied. Putting her over your shoulder you start to pat her back to burp her. Once she lets you a few good burps, you swaddle her and rock her to sleep before putting her down in her crib. 

Grabbing the pump, you leave her room, making sure to close the door back behind you. Walking into the living room, you see Josh sitting on the couch having fallen asleep. Not wanting to wake him, you softly and quietly walk into the kitchen to retrieve your pump parts. Once you grabbed them, you walked back to the living room and sat in the chair across from the couch. Sitting the pump on the side table, you start to put together the hoses and flanges. You get it all out together and hook everything up. Turning on the pump, you lay your head back to try and relax.

“Oh! Shit. I’m sorry.” you hear Josh say.

Raising your head and opening your eyes, you look at him confused. “What’s wrong?”

“I just didn’t think you’d want me to see you pumping.” He says with his head turned away from you.

“Josh, you’ve seen me nursing Odie. This is no different. You’re fine.” You chuckle.

“O-okay. So, are you hungry? I don’t think I’ve seen you eat today.”

“I don’t think I've eaten either. I’m actually starving. Would you mind ordering something and having it delivered?” You ask.

“Sure, no problem. What are you wanting?��

“I could really go for a veggie wrap and a milkshake.” You say.

“Veggie wrap and milkshake. Got it. Do you want an oatmeal bar too? I saw online that those are good for milk supply.” 

“That would be great actually. Thanks!” You say with a smile.

Josh orders the food and it arrives just as you finish pumping. As you put away the breast milk, Josh puts the food on plates and takes it all to the kitchen table. Putting the bags in the freezer, you turn and walk over to the table and sit.

"Thank you for the food. How much do I owe you?" You ask.

"Nothing. You just pushed my child out of you, you'll be eating for free and getting whatever you want for the foreseeable future." He says before taking a bite of his veggie burger.

You smile and laugh, "Well thank you."

The two of you enjoy your meal in a comfortable silence. When you finish your food, Josh takes the plates and takes them over to the sink. 

"I think today went pretty well considering it was our first full day home." He says, turning back toward you.

"Yeah. It went well. Thanks for letting me catch up on some sleep. I didn't realize how tired I was." You say.

"It's no problem. Glad I was here to help." He says, giving you a pointed look.

You roll your eyes and say, "It was nice to have you here. Hope it stays that way."

[the-hero-of-light-and-shado-blog]

Vauge AC6 x Worm crossover coalescing in my brain, feel free to steal anything from it you like but it's not terribly original. Suicide/body horror warning.

So like. Ok. Taylor, somehow acquires Coral (running idea is that a tinker with a device the grabs random items from potential futures grabs a vital of Coral, ends deems it useless to anyone but Blasto and chucks it in... idk, the woods? Before getting got by the 9 when they came the guitar time because Manequin be mankillin.)

Taylor acquired mystery Vial, superhero fantasy ensues so she keeps holding off it with the hope that it might be like those old superhero comics from before Capes. Where random ass Chemical(tm) grants powers. The Emma shit happens, and instead of triggering, over new years break she Drinks it, justifying to herself that she wants to test the theory. (She doesn't, she knows damn well better, just wants to die.)

The Coral, in a dose that would OD even Rummy is DEFINITELY going to kill her, before Danny finds her and gets her to the hospital. Docs are trying their best, but can't do much more than make her die slower till Panacea gets there. She recognizes Coral is organic but to her surprise her power just goes "idk it's some kinda entry being but also organic. I can't work with this!"

She's freaked out, but also refuses to let this girl die because then she's not a Hero and therefore not a good person. So she starts allowing Taylors biology in a desperate bid to save her, effectively just doing enough to keep it from killing her ah giving places for the Coral to exist. The Coral obliges and Panacea eases up thinking she's saved her (probably feeling the first dose of endorphins in years as her power applauds her actually using it creatively, if less destructive than it wanted.)

Taylor now stable has her body subtly altered by the Coral that's there, now that it won't instakill her, basically making Taylor a Gen 1 augmented human. She wakes up, contexts to the Coral network very crudely, and gets like, inundated with memories, thoughts, and this from myriad people because fuck you Coral can communicate faster than light, abs FTL is time travel. Therefore it can communicate with the past and future. Most notably she gets a lot of Cinder Carla (onown doser, honestly a lot of her wngineers and techs too)shoved in her brain, so all sorts of designs from RaD are just floating around without all the technical knowhow to use them maximally.

Taylor, thinking this if just, how tinkers work, thinks she is a tinker (she isn't, it's run of the mill superscience not clarketech/paracausal madness, totally mass,prpducable and comprehensible by basic humies.) On top of this her immune system has basically been replaced by Coral since it can kill basically any bacteria, so her body is a breeding ground for the stuff that she uses to Kickstart Coral tech.

Something something, Administrative AI she makes named Cueball. (In universe she used the stock unity ball as his avatar and never changed it. Out of universe DESTROY... NINE-BALL.) Something something Squealer makes the world's worst AC, something something Coral is unpredictable because it exists in some sort of atemporal state, so the Entities can only predict what it can do after they've seen an example, allowing her to actually make her mechs and do this shit unordered. Something something, using Cueball to sell hyperefficient internal combustion engines to suffering countries at very reasonable rates, and working at a computer store to steal broken electronics. (It's circuit city, they beat out best buy HARD on bet cause it makes me laugh.)

[ressing]

More about mass effect ocs pls?

ah right, thank you for the reminder sorry im so late lol i cant remember their names or if i even thought of names for any of them, but i was super into them for a time

human spectre because of course, didnt like how things devolved into politics too much with the council, spectres werent just spies they were also sent out on help missions and were like the vigilantes of the galaxy, or so she had thought but then it was red tape and you cant do this or that because itll look bad toward potiental allies blah blah so she stole her own ship back from dock at the citidel and basically went off on her own to form a crew and try to help like she always thought they were supposed to. side note 3 characters in and i remember the basis, its after me3 and shepard has destroyed the reapers and now while the galaxy and the citadel are rebuilding opportunistic space pirates start entering the system and taking out refugee convoys and medical ships and the council instead of doing anything refuse to try to fix the problem because any acts of aggression in the newly reforming civilizaed galaxy will almost guaranteed to result in a all out war.

the asari, the tech specalist who cant do much biotics unlike most asari, was passed up as a spectre due to a hot streak and just worked for c sec or whatever they were called ill be real its been YEARS since ive really written them all dow, but when the human spectre gets thrown in the brig for telling the council off and basically going rogue in their eyes they meet because she in charge of the cells that day lol, but some big speech about justice and being able to tell your bosses to fuck off shouldnt land you in jail and she agrees and helps the spectre break out but they both kinda realize that this is like... the end of their lives on the citadel and will be wanted fugitives from here on out but its better then sitting twiddling their thumbs while the galaxy goes to shit.

the turian quarian, quarian fleet finds a turian ship adrift and are going abuot searching it and clearing it out to add it to the flotilla as a new ship (i dont know if quarians actually do this but yolo) and onboard they find a baby turian and one of the search party kinda.. adopts her, doesnt wanna give her up due to her own issues with having kids and wanting to have a family she sorta puppy dog eyes everyone into letting her keep this baby, but of course being kept in sterile enviroments all the time your immune system tends to shut down and she started needing the full suits like quarians do. she joined the crew after on the citadel (during the daring escape/steal a ship mission the spectre does) after being saved by a different quarian and then talked into joining. was getting a lot of shit about her being a turian playing dress up as a quarian but shes fully like "uh but i am a quarian see the suit i was born on the flotilla?" joins the crew as a way to help find who she really is (soul searching quest)

the other quarian, this quarian is a biotic (which i also dont know if quarians can be but yolo) and only found out when he and his like best friend are sent on their quarian life mission thing to bring back to the flotilla, but his best friend came onto him and when he rejected her she flipped and like attacked him and he was just trying to hold her back honest he didnt mean his biotics to go off like that she was his best friend of course he wasnt TRYING to kill her it was an accident! so then hes on the citadel hiding in shady bars and back alleys kinda stepping into random muggings and assaults to try to redeem himself to himself and steps into the turian quarian getting mugged and saves her and is afterward also recruited to the ship by the spectre.

THE KROGAN now this one im upset about because i cant remember his name and its so GOOD HES THE BEST him and the turian quarian are my favorites. he was doing that puberty ritual against the giant worm, you know grunts best mission, and like during three when you walk through old krogan ruins and you find out they were this smart race before destorying themselves and their world in nuclear war? yeah well this krogan found out the same thing, during his giant worm fight it caused an earthquake and he was swallowed up into the ruins of his homeworld, thought dead his teammates left him and he just sorta steeled himself and went about trying to survive and get out. took a while for his eyes to get used to the darkness and after years and years in the dark his eyes are like only used to the dark now so he wears riddick style glasses. but he also found all these old ruins and books and poems and writing and religion and after years of being down there he suddenly had found a den of those weird lizard dogs vulvas or whatever their called vespas thats it, he managed to like tame the pack using recovered knowledge from the ruins and used them to lead him back out of the darkness through their own tunnels. hes now a messiah like dude on the citadel doing preaching about non violence but uh.. isnt against using violence to achieve non violence. argue it with him and he will headbutt you until you agree not to be violent, see there he was right all along, the strongest gets to say what goes and hes stronger and he says get the fuck along. his name was a one word holy esqe word like redemption or resolution or something and IM SO MAD I CANT REMEMBER HES THE BEST ONE just picture a big krogan guy in heavy armor but also draped in like a toga with a pack of VARREN (i remembered) and also little black sunglass/goggle thing. he joined the spectre on the promise that theyre gonna make the galaxy safer and better for everyone

the salarian, female salarian which are usually guarded on the homeworld for breeding or whatever that lore was, really hated the whole idea of being kept safe or like doing medical or science work, so she sorta jumped ship and became an arms dealer, you see this huge hulking krogan sized armor walking toward you and the visor opens up and its this fucking frog thing half your size and not even half the size of a krogan, jumping around doing scrobatics is boring and tiring and really if i can just wear my huge custom made armor ill never be hit by a bullet ever!

a biotic volus who works like a merchant for the group offering quests and discounts to friends (the crew) just asks for passage occasionally, always seems nervous and kinda shady, just wants to be safe from pirates stealing his goods and wants the galaxy back in working order and these guys seem to be doing a better job making space safer for someone dealing in moving vast quantities of merchandise around.

and finally on the ship are the stoways; a batarian and a "freed" (hacked) geth, they are actually kinda up there in rank space pirates in their own regard and realized when they were in a bad spot so played along as crew members wanting to bring peace to the galaxy too while sending out info to the space pirates they know will be around and tip them off something is happening

the geth has stickers all over it and graffiti and is only like half itself, its like half locked down by the batarian chick to be a body guard thing, if it could control itself it would most likely stick with her as it does actually like her but would probably be more vocal about disagreeing with some aspects of their "jobs"

the batarian was just some girl because i went "you dont see females of these species often so ill make one of my ocs that, and she will be a cool lesbian pirate hanging out with a cool geth"

[nephyria]

To sum up the situation, since it can be confusing (with as little gross imagery as possible): The big chunky lumpy worm inside of your abdomen does important things, like keeps you hydrated, absorbs certain vitamins and minerals that you Cannot get without injections, breaks down fiber, and reduces the need to have small, frequent meals. Without it, your life becomes very difficult! Think about how often you are able to take water breaks at work; now, imagine having to eat every 30 minutes. Do you see this request being accommodated? If you do, do you imagine it happening in a well-ventilated space where it is safe to unmask?

The long little squiggly worm inside your abdomen absorbs most of your nutrients, and it does a good job. It does! But if it’s the End Worm, it’s going to hose out gross liquid more often than not, and it can be vulnerable to blockages. The long thin worm HAS gotten blocked in the past, when it was temporarily working as the End Worm, so for me it was less desirable for it to stay as the End Worm. Also, chemical burns. The little worm can give you very very bad chemical burns on the skin.

In my case, the tail of the big worm began looking like someone ran sandpaper over the inside and outside. A worm that has no mucus membrane cannot absorb water or nutrients correctly, and fiber abrades it more. It cannot hold onto its slime coat or dermal layer, so it begins shedding off their butt with all their liquids, with increasing pain and frequency. Eventually, the end of the big worm begins getting Very chafed up and swollen, but it stops looking as bad when approximated 12 inches of length from the butt. Ideally, this would mean you could remove the damaged end of the big worm, since worms are good at healing and function well once resectioned.

This is where the snag happens. For reasons doctors aren’t entirely sure about, in cases where the now-shorter big worm is not constantly medicated, the immune system says, “Hang on!!! This thing still has a butt!!! Get him!!!!” and selects the next 8 to 12 inch section of the Big Worm to sandpaper up. And so the cycle continues.

In most cases, the long squiggly wiggly worm is just chilling out. As far as it’s concerned, big worm is the neighbor who cannot get their shit together. None of their business! Until the big worm gets so inflamed that it narrows, and causes a traffic jam that extends up the worm highway. The little worm does not stretch at its little-worm-big-worm junction point very well! This is very painful for it! It’s fine, it doesn’t have sandpapering happening, but if this keeps up its sending everything on the worm interstate back where it came from, no matter what it looks like now. And this is where I’m at/getting to, except the rest of my immune system is like, “hey. [finger guns] I’m gonna turn this place into the new hottest club for whatever wants to stop by. kk love you get fucked babe!”

So essentially the process will be. The doctors will look at me. They will look at my worms. They will look back at me. “I see your big worm is bad. As we discussed,” they will say, and I will say, “Wow it’s like you’re a doctor or something. Let’s discuss the new scars I’m about to get that STILL aren’t cute or hot.” And things will go from there.

[percontaion-points]

Gate Crashers chapters 33 & 34

Click here for the rest of the series!

Click to see the rest of the snark & image descriptions

Chapter 33

The EM pulse cannon was one of the most feared and effective weapons yet devised, which in its case didn’t refer to electromagnetic, but emotional maturity. It worked by manipulating the bioelectrical fields present in any carbon-based species with a centralized nervous system. Anyone caught in its area of effect immediately recognized any common ground they shared with their foes, threw down their weapons, and found a more constructive way to solve their problems. This usually involved a lot of hugging and offkey singing. It was devastating to troop morale, and its use was outlawed in much of known space. 

I think I would prefer to see Maggie and the other ship being completely blown to pieces by this alien ship. 

I know that I complain a lot about how tired that the tropes are in the books that I read. But in the case of this book, I would welcome it. If only because these characters are whiny and without purpose. 

And mainly because then the book would mercifully FUCKING END. 

“Mr. D’armic, shall I presume that was your best shot?”

 “Yes, it would appear so. Before you destroy my vessel, may I request that a short personal note be forwarded to my family?” 

The book says that humans were immune to the emotional blast… But honestly? The crew of the two human ships was immune because they didn’t fucking do anything. Allison was literally trying to tell this asshole about this, but he shot at her anyway. Regardless of the fact that it’s an “emotional maturity” weapon or not, he still fucking shot at her. 

“May I introduce my first officer, Commander Marcel Gruber.” 

Gruber nodded and extended his hand. “An honor, sir.” 

Allison continued down the line. “My chief engineer, Steven Billings.” 

“Mornin.’” 

“My flight ops officer, Lieutenant Jacqueline Dorsett.” 

Jacqueline shook hands with D’armic nervously. “Um, hello.”

 “Captain Maximus Tiberius of the AEUS Bucephalus.”

I’d like to remind readers that, although there is quite a long list of characters in this novel… Name off literally one personal struggle that any one of them had to overcome in the course of this book. 

If you can’t think of any, then it’s because there isn’t one. The plot revolves around technology, and holds no bearing on character growth. 

And I’m not saying that it’s not an interesting plot. 

But my problem is that so much time has been spent with these characters. We’re literally in chapter 33, for fuck’s sake! Yet all of them are about as dimensional as a flat piece of printer paper. 

“Should have stayed in the cave, my little Lividite.”

Chapter 33 summary: As mentioned, D’armic’s weapon was one of emotions rather than physical damage. The humans were immune. After a while, they invited D’armic onto Maggie, where he looked through their logs. After doing this, he determined that their current technology was not enough to have destroyed the planet. 

He then starts to explain about the experiment being done on the planet. That although they are observing the human communications coming from their planet, they were getting mixed results due to their media. He also explains that the human preserve area is a warning for other aliens to keep away, not for the humans to keep out. Allison says that their only goal is basically to talk to the leaders and establish communication between the aliens and the people of earth. 

He also explains about the dead planet below them currently. Unless this comes back around and is actually relevant, I don’t give a shit. 

D’armic goes back to his own ship, and starts to review the data he’d collected. The human ships leave, but then the evil aliens show up. They’re ready to cause more destruction, and are frustrated that D’armic is there. They then start to set him up to make it look like he’d committed the geocide. 

Chapter 34

Harris wasted no time. “Bucephalus, Harris. Break out the good china. We’ve got company.”

Chapter 34 summary: The humans land on another planet to look around. As they’re doing that, the evil aliens come up behind them. The aliens are confused because the planet only contains, as I quote “rotting resorts and vacation homes”. It doesn’t take long for the humans to figure this out as well. 

However, as the humans are debating their next move, they sense the alien ship in orbit above the planet. 

[casliveblog]

Custom Toonami Block Week 190 Rundown

The Witch from Mercury: Oof, this one’s goddamn rough. Miorine agrees to be Prospera’s puppet in exchange for Suletta’s freedom on the condition she do one more duel (honestly I wouldn’t trust that because the way Prospera talks she doesn’t seem to think Suletta will survive that long). Guel comes and saves Suletta from being sexual assaulted/regular assaulted by Fake Ceras #2 and presents her with the results of his Chazz Princeton rich boy humbling arc, him being a much more mature person willing to both admit his feelings for her and accept her rejection while understanding what he wants out of life. Miorine overhears them and says she wants them both to duel one more time and this kinda sucks because she’s hedging the bets and it makes you not sure who to root for going in. Miorine is willing to break off her connection to Suletta and align with Guel, putting Suletta through agony and ensuring they’ll never be together for the sake of getting Aerial forcibly taken away so she can’t be used to reincarnate Eri. Guel’s still having some PTSD about killing his dad and is working his way through it during the duel and honestly doing really well like even with all Suletta’s OP Newtype Beams and shit he has her dead to rights a couple times if not for his own hesitation. Suletta gets ready for a finisher that looks like it’d fucking atomize Guel as much as chop his antenna off, finally verbally affirming she wants to marry Miorine only for Miorine to shut off Aerial’s systems and give Guel the duel. And we see that Suletta’s Newtype Data Storm shit gets REAL close to peaking during the fight like it gives Prospera a mini-orgasm so yeah if Miorine didn’t turn it off we may have seen Human Instrumentality right there. Miorine admits to rigging the fight, saying she doesn’t want to see Suletta again and that she’s always just been using people to get what she wants, leaving Suletta without her wife, her gundam soon to be taken and in absolute AGONY. And FUCK it’s not true! Gaaaah, Miorine’s only doing this in a misguided attempt to SAVE Suletta, assuming that her being safe is more important than being with her or any trauma she inflicts by literally ripping her family out of her arms, like I get it but there’s gotta be another way, but Miorine’s gone full Lelouch mode on this one with the “my plan is too cruel to justify being even slightly kind to myself about it” so yeah her and Guel are doing some Zero Requiem shit right now.

Inuyasha The Final Act: This is it, there’s only three episodes left of Inuyasha and it’s the final confrontation with Naraku. There’s basically a stalemate because Naraku’s just pumping enough poison in and changing the terrain enough to keep everyone from hitting him but he can’t quite kill them either. Sango arrives and gets a hit in on him but ends up getting poisoned, leading Miroku to try and grab her and Shippo has to save them both with medicine he got from Jinenji, good Jinenji callback, love that a one-off character has a key role in the final battle. Naraku finally absorbs the jewel and becomes immune to Meidou Zangetsuha by… just kinda stretching around it, sure. Kagome and Inuyasha both give him the final ‘you’re a fucking dick Naraku you didn’t have to be such a dick’ speech where Inuyasha appeals to their shared half-demon nature and how Naraku chose the evil option every time and Kagome appeals to Naraku having a human heart and still being butthurt about Kikyo and it’s only because he’s known kindness and compassion that he can so viciously embody hatred and betrayal, that even now the jewel can never get him what he wanted and all he’ll do by absorbing it is become a real monster. Naraku fucking goes off on this which is kinda satisfying to see given his whole personality is “my plan failing was part of my plan” and Inuyasha finally cuts him with the evolution Meidou Zangetsuha blades which are basically ‘do not pass go, get cut no matter what’ shards of ultimate destruction. Sesshomaru sees Naraku’s wounded and remembers he has Bakusaiga and doesn’t have to worry about Rin anymore and just fucking goes to town on Naraku’s insides so he can’t keep regenerating from Inuyasha’s attacks. Byakuya sees the writing on the wall and moves to cut Kagome with the Meidou Zangetsuha he absorbed last time, though it seemingly does nothing for now, Everyone regroups and takes aim at the exposed jewel in Naraku’s chest, everyone Naraku’s ever fucked with finally ready to come collect what he owes them for being a fucking asshole for two hundred episodes.  

Castlevania: Hector’s getting used to his cursed life of roaming a giant castle and reading books and being a hot vampire’s sex slave, the horror. But still he seems to be scheming something in addition and isn’t quite taking his new imprisonment lying down even if he is way too casual with Lenore after she slapped sex cuffs that read his mind on him, like I’d think that’d make their penis banter at least a little more awkward but here we are. I also feel like they’ve softened Lenore a lot this season, like suddenly she’s a lot less sure of things and less cruel and commanding, you could chalk that up to her doubting her reduced role in things now that the time for negotiating is over and all out bloody war is coming but it’s still a little jarring. Carmilla goes on a rant about how her backstory is a Lifetime Original movie and how she’ll only be satisfied when she’s destroyed and obtained as much as she can and maybe not even then because she’s been too damaged to ever feel like it’s enough. Idk in contrast I think Carmilla’s a little better written this season, like they had to do a lot of work with her place in the world in Season 3 because of how she stumbled dick first into a good gambit in Season 2 but now they seem to be actively working on rounding out how her end goals are just as self-destructive as Dracula’s were and she doesn’t even know it yet, she’s still not my favorite character or anything but I appreciate the groundwork. Meanwhile Trevor and Sypha have an absolutely shit fight with the cockney vampires’ mooks like they’ve done way better than this against way more guys and I’m not sure if they’re actively getting nerfed or if this is just to show how tired they are during this arc. They run into Targoviste’s underground bodyguards because apparently Dracula killed 99% of the people in that city and missed the royal family somehow like that’s straight up the explanation they give, but now they have a mildly jingoistic official wanting to show them around and two cockney vampires on their tails to try and wear their skin Buffalo Bill style, so fun times were had by all.

Konosuba: Fuck all this plot shit, KAZUMA INVENTED BUBBLEWRAP FUCK YEAH. Anyway, Megumin and Aqua have their own plans to stop Darkness’s wedding that range from loitering to terrorism and despite Megumin giving a semi-false love confession Kazuma isn’t budging, pretending he’s just being stubborn about wanting her to apologize but really legitimately not being able to come up with any ideas to help. He gets a visit from Vanir who finally reveals that the reason Darkness’s family is in debt is because they borrowed from her future husband to cover the costs of damages to the town and farmland done by various other adventures the group’s had in previous seasons, indirectly or otherwise since the old man won’t actually look after his vassals, Darkness’s dad had to go into debt to actually help them out, and now the collateral of that debt is Darkness herself. And sneaky asshole that he is, Vanir arranged for the amount of the debt to be just enough to be repaid with his next payment for Kazuma’s inventions, ensuring the group will be back to being poor and/or any of Kazuma’s future endeavors will have to go straight to him. Still, the time for the wedding is here and Aqua disguised herself as the priestess (pink hair Aqua’s kinda hot ngl) and Kazuma dashes off with Darkness in toe, it’s a god damn rescue arc, a real one this time after like five fakeouts, hot damn!

Delicious in Dungeon: The group FINALLY descends to the next floor and it’s kinda weird because nothing’s really changed, no new party members, still looking for Falin, like the scope of the plot changed but realistically after that whole interlude we’re back to the status quo. They muse about the Mad Mage’s motives and Laios finally talks about the history paintings he was in but they don’t get too far before ending up in a blizzard and confronting several shapeshifters that give three clones of each party member. Oddly enough the shapeshifter doesn’t seem to be able to make copies based on someone’s self-image, only the image others have of them so this ends up being a neat little exchange about how the group sees each other and little details they learn about each other, like it kinda reminds me of fanfiction writers honing in on one part of a character’s personality and playing that up for the plot they want, it’s a neat little Flanderization exercise. Luckily everyone thinks Laios is dumb as a stump and can’t actively replicate his knowledge of monsters so his doubles are quickly sorted out, leaving him the judge of the rest of the copies. It reminds me of the Duplighosts section in Paper Mario where there’s obviously something wrong but you gotta pay attention or something could trick you. Either way Laios ends up making a decision but since there’s an equal number of copies and real ones they all have perfectly symmetrical violence which as we know from Futurama never solved anything. Laios proves he literally has that dog in him and gets the wolf shapeshifter to back down on sheer intimidation factor only to try wrestling a dog for Marcille to just cut to the chase and blow its fucking head off. Just a nice light character development episode after all the shit that’s happened, oh also Marcille’s been kidnapped or something.

Frieren: Beyond Journey’s End: Ironically Frieren is ALSO dealing with magical duplicates this week, odd that both shows would line up like that huh. Denken’s group realizes they can’t beat Frieren and so they camp outside the boss door trying to think up a plan. Ubel and Land come across Ubel’s clone and end up beating her with a surprising teamwork combo that does let Ubel claim to worm her way more into Land’s emotional psyche. Frieren and Fern’s group find the central chamber honoring the king of the tomb, just getting a nice little sight for exploring before walking into Denkin’s Frieren-slaying powwow. The only hypnosis expert who appears to have this world’s version of Cursed Speech gets tied up with the clone of the teacher right when the group is wondering if she could help them hypnotize clone Frieren. It’s really funny how they just kinda run down all the ways Frieren is fucking broken and how she seems to have a thing for milfs when hugged by the one analyzing her which makes Fern jealous, just lots of good little moments for character. Either way while the side characters are dealing with their own clones, Fern resolves that she can be the one to kill Clone Frieren, presumably with a quickdraw wild west deal so get ready cause It’s High Noon Frieren.

Revolutionary Girl Utena: It’s the second part of the Miki arc from last time, now that he’s fallen in love with Anthy, he tries to process his feelings, explaining his backstory about how he got sick on the day of a big recital he was supposed to play with his sister and she got so traumatized by doing it alone she quit playing piano forever so his combined feelings of guilt and loneliness make up the mess of a person we see in this arc. He starts taking what Utena said to heart about how it’s kinda nuts that they’re all in a death apocalypse game to force her to marry one of them, showing real concern for Anthy’s sense of agency. To his credit Miki does acknowledge this and try to dissolve the Student Council but according to Touga dissolving the structure of the game wouldn’t change Anthy’s fate to be bound to whoever is the champion. He tells Miki to fight for what he wants lest others take it from him which is really fucking funny because when he says it he’s just standing in a room but when Miki remembers it Touga’s fucking shirtless laying on a bed, combined with Touga saying Miki’s cuter than his sister I think there might be some unresolved sexual tension there. He asks Anthy if she likes playing piano and if she’d stop if Utena told her too, sort of constructing in his mind the idea that Utena could enslave Anthy even though she’s the only one really championing her freedom and Miki’s notion of her being free is doing what he wants her to, which granted is a thing she likes but it’s still a flawed view of her freedom. Getting to the part of Witch from Mercury I’m at now it just kinda reminds me of a role reversal of Suletta and Miorine where Suletta’s the one who will do whatever the people she’s attached to tell her which deeply disturbs her loved ones where in this case it’s Anthy who unquestioningly obeys any command with a smile. Either way Miki and Utena end up in a duel like we saw in the beginning of the last episode and it’s kinda weird cause the audio seems kinda rushed and downed out by the soundtrack even though it was fine in the last episode’s cold open. They’re basically even until Miki hears Anthy cheering for Utena and flinches leading to his defeat. I mean this is less a case of Anthy actually loving Utena at this point than the fact she’s a literal robot that will do whatever the Holder says and Utena’s still the Holder rn, so that should embolden Miki if anything, and sure enough he hasn’t learned a thing from any of this and plans to challenge Utena again at some point. The part I really like though is the revelation that Miki’s sister was really shit at piano and Miki was just that good to make her sound good and it was just Miki’s love for her that made him think she was the missing piece to his music, that’s actually a really nice touch and his internal conflict is surprisingly complex for such a simple backstory that doesn’t make much sense on the surface, I really liked it.

[sincelastsession]

I understand that I'm a difficult and complex patient and when I say difficult I mean I'm not the easiest person in the world to treat and I don't try to not be treated I'm just saying it's hard to figure me out and it's hard for me to figure me out it's hard for me to explain and communicate.

And I don't exactly think that any therapist has ever enjoyed being my therapist.

Feel like a lot of people give up on me and I'm hoping that doesn't happen

And just because I know a lot about therapy because I've been in therapy for so long does not mean thatI know how to execute those things and then I do have pretty terrible executive dysfunctiand going on right now and most of the time

And sometimes I feel like if I just was able to get a nerve block that worked that was like successful that I would be able to experience and enjoy life and I might not have some things going on it might just all be because of trauma and stress and PTST shit I don't know though

But I always feel like time blind or like a pressure to be on time and to focus on time and it stresses me out

I had to tell my dad that I needed to talk to him about like 6 different things he was trying to tell me aboutAs if I was gonna remember everything he said verbatim and I couldn't and I kept asking him please text it to me or email me that information so I can put it somewhere where I can at least go back and find it and read the information if I need it and it took me a few tries for him to understand that I am not gonna remember anything he verbally tells me when I'm overstimulated for whatever reason.

And the problem is I have been overstamulated for what feels like most of my adult life it's just gotten worse and I have these meltdowns and these automatic reactions and I get angry and I text and I get reactive abusive and I can't stop I have not been able to stop.

There has been no pill or practice that has worked so far I'm willing to try some things But don't get mad at me if I tell you I have done that multiple times and it did not helpBecause this is not the first time I have spoken to a therapist and ask them for help about this and been unsuccessful

I would love to be successful

I don't think anybody realizes how tired I am all the time either and I'm probably having some thyroid problems but my indictment knowledge is a stupid idiot who won't listen to me about my own body and what medicines work for my body and have worked in the past and help me think

And I'm about to blow up his inbox on my chart because why the hell am I not on thyroid medicine if my thyroid was low I have hypothyroidism currently and I'm not on anything for it and that's probably fucking with my head as well

And then not to mention all the physical disabilities that I have and the pain that probably doesn't exactly help any of this situation

And I feel like I'm on top of shit mountain and shit mountain just getting taller and taller and fucking taller and it's so hard to clean up all the shit on shit mountain and I just want off of shit mountain

I just want a helicopter to come and take me off of fucking shit island off of the mountain off of the shit Volcano that I'm scared is going to erupt at any point in time

And it's so frustrating it's hard it hurts I hurt

I hurt in my heart I hurt with my physical disabilities I hurt with my Mental disabilities I hurt with my memories and I don't get many breaks from the pain

And right now I'm pretty upset with my partner because he said he was going to make time to call me today and talk to me because he knew it was gonna be a hard day for me and maybe he had a hard day as well but I'm still hurt about that

And people keep telling me oh you seem like you're doing so much better and I don't see it I really don't I don't understand I am literally doing worse I am having a flare and I'm probably having a physical body flare of my immune system issues and I have so much shit to take care of and all I want to do is just magically have enough money to just run away and go to the Netherlands like I was supposed to do for my birthday last year and that never happened and it didn't happen this summer when I was gonna go and people at this point probably just think I'm lying about it But luckily Ashley is really chill and just tells me you know when you're able to comeJust let me know and we'll figure out a good time to fly you out and all of that and I'm like okay cool so that's less pressure on me about it but I'm still mad because I desperately need a vacation

And my mom asked me if I wanted to go to biloxi and check out this casino and stay in biloxi for the weekend and I got upset with her because yes I need a vacation no I don't want to fucking go to biloxi but cause I don't want to be reminded of certain things but but yes also I do want to go but no I don't want to deal with my mom's bullshit and I don't know what to do

I'm not trying to be a brat and I know that everything or a lot of what I say sounds bratty and reads that way and I don't know how to change it to make it look better and I'm so tired of trying

I am tired of trying I don't want to quit but I'm fucking tired I really do need a God damn vacation and I don't need just like a 2 day vacation I need like a real vacation

I have actually had a real vacation in a very long time

I've gotten to go out of town to visit a friend but now he won't even fucking talk to me because he's seriously dating somebody and he's out from the country and their girlfriends get really possessive and fucking insaneIf they talk to other women as friends which I think is the dumbest shit ever and I don't know if he's alive or dead because he won't answer my text messages and I'm talking about Mike that lives out in abbeyville and his father died and I've been trying to check on him and talk to him and he just ignores me and my text messages and I don't know what happened and I don't want to call his mom and find out that he's dead or something

It really bothers me that a lot of people I know are doing really well yet I don't know how they're doing really well I have no fucking clue how they're good at the things enough to make the money they're making I have I doesn't make sense because I know these people and I'm like what sort of fucking witch craft are you doing to be able to do that I don't understand other people it's like I feel like I'm having to study them all the time

And I don't know if I'm even cut out to work like other people work because I have to get my brain straight in order to do that in order to somehow figure out how to make money and be fun actually independent and I wish I could be this lovely ethical slut that could be a financial dominatrix then do all the sex work and dress in these beautiful clothes and be very confident with their body and all of this other shit but I'm not I'm just a fucking autistic Traumatized little grammar of a person and I don't know what to do

Like it's so hard for me to just do basic things currently

Like I need to take a bath I took a shower this morning but I really need to get some Epsom salts andAt take a soak and then I need to drain the bath and run it out and then I need to take another bath and do a whole like regimen

But what I've been able to do is just take a bath and take a shower and wash my hair very basic self-care is all I've been able to do latelyesterday I wasn't even going to eat I had just given app on the idea of eating I wasn't hungry I couldn't make myself hungry the idea of food made me want to vomit and then finally I got the munchies and ate some food and felt a little bit better And thenI ended up staying up till 5 AM and freaking out again and then I went to bed and I got up at 10 AM And then I took a shower and then I sat around and mentally prepared myself to deal with my dad today and then I went and got a burger and I ate my burger and then I went to therapy and dad was not how he normally is he had his mask on real well andNothing went at all like I expected which is fine because nothing ever goes how I expected to be andFor me and for my brain and for how I took it it did not go well and now I'm not even fucking remembering parts of it which is disturbing and worrisome to me andI don't even know what I was gonna say because I'm super duper stressed out right now and I just keep talking and I can't shut the fuck up and it's just like compulsory and I don't know what to do and I'm having really painful Charlie horses all over my body or I guess painful muscle locking cramps andI probably should smoke my medical weed and take care of that and go to bed but my brain is wide awake And I want to do so many things and this happens every day where I get all these ideas to do things and I'm like yeah I'm gonna do the thing and then I never do the thing

And making a list is fucking pointless a list is just a self-destructing thing for someone like me I it doesn't matter if I have it in my head it doesn't matter if I have it on paper it doesn't matter if I have 15 alarms set with the list it doesn't work with my brain and I wish it did I wish I could be a super duper organized person and keep a planner my sister keeps a planner and I don't know how she does it I have no clue I don't know how people do that I don't know how people stay organized because I can't stay organized to save my fucking life

Like gun to my head and tell me to organize my shit and I would just tell them to go ahead and pull the trigger because like it's just not happening I'm not good at it I don't know what I'm doing but you know what's hilarious

I'm really bad at cleaning up after myself and taking care of myself but I'm really fucking good at doing that for other people

I'm also really good at dressing other people but I'm not good at dressing myself

I am also pissed off because I haven't had the ability to make any new artwork of fuck and I have no use and I don't even know if I enjoy art anymore and I don't know if I have any passions and I don't know what I want to do with my life and I have no idea if I'm ever going to end up and a relationship other than the current one that is good and fulfilling for me

And I want all the things that I see that my friends have and it looks like it came so easy it looks like they had such an easy time doing it or it looks tremendously hard and impossible for me to do

And I'm so scared I shouldn't be scared to live my life but I'm terrified all the time I'm scared that someone's gonna pop out and be mad at me and that's gonna hurt and I'm scared to get hurt and I'm already hurting and I don't want any more hurt

And I'm seeing my sister turning to me and I can't stop it and no she's not exactly like me but I see a lot of the same things happening and it's because of the way my dad is abusive towards her and what he thinks is okay to treat her like but also she has some serious problems

Like I know sometimes people smile when they're nervous or they have like a weird emotional response like that's kind of a normal thing that just happens like I laugh at funerals because I don't even know what else to do I get so overwhelmed by grief and instead of crying after I've been crying for a while I just start hysterically laughing and I have to fucking excuse myself so people don't think that I'm a bitch

But my sister since she was very small has always gotten this dead eyed look on her face and grinned when she was doing horrible shit to me

And when my father is extremely abusive he makes the same fucking face even though they're not blood related it's the same sort of whatever I don't know I can't diagnose that

And no one believed me until my sister got a little bit older and my mom started to notice

So I got punished for years and tortured by her 15 years younger than me for years and she doesn't remember any of it and if she does she thinks it's funny and I don't even know

I don't even know how I had a time jump from like 7 PM and now it's 1 AM and I haven't even been typing that long I know that other things have occurred since then but I feel like there's missing time and I don't know if it's just time blindness or just associative issues or if I am in desperate need of a vacation and sleep

I mean I don't know what I need I don't know anymore

I do and I don't

I just find that life is incredibly hard and I'm tired

I'm so tired I'm not at risk or anything don't pick up the fucking phone please dear God but you know I'm tired dude I'm really tired

And you know my dad has promised me so many things and one reason I'm so angry with him and so frustrated with him is because he promised me so much and I didn't even ask for it he just told me Hey I'm gonna do all this stuff for you and he got my hopes up and then I found out that he doesn't know how to manage his money and I have noticed that my mom doesn't know how either and They fucked up and all the money that was supposed to go to helping me or helping me go to college etcWent to adopting my sister and my dad getting a new car and my mom needed to pay bills with inheritance money that she swears wasn't inheritance money but my uncles are like no your grandmother loved that to you and your sister and your mom used it and they both don't like my mother and my uncle who is a priest flat out was just wasted on the phone the other day when I was asking him a question and he was talking shit about her but I couldn't fuss at him because he's An uncle that actually does kind of care even if he doesn't understand but he was also shit face drunk and I wasn't going to argue with a drunk priest uncle because I've already done that before familyAt family gatherings and he's just sprayed me with holy water and recited parts of the Bible like a fucking Dick

I wish I could talk to my schizophrenic uncle. It is so nice to talk to other people who are actually mentally ill and do understand family dynamics that are insane it's refreshing because yeah they aren't understood very well either but we understand each other

And I really hate this whole idea of autistic people having to fit in with normal people and the world is just not built for us it's not andIt's just not built for different minded people at all

I mean my psychiatrist in his PA talk to me about how I'm incredibly smart and I have all this stuff going on in my brain all the time and the world's not built for people like me and they told me that you know my intelligence and my ability to think about certain things in certain ways is like a super power and yeah I get that it's a little bit cringed to call it a superpower it's more like a curse to me because damn I wish I was dumber I wish sometimes I was just dumb as a box of rocks and could just have a job and go through life having a job And big a dumb dumb and not havingA fucking care in the world because I see like people that are questionable if they're not like a bunch of animals in a trench coat or like people that look like they secretly eat glue and crayons as a snack and I'm like how in the world do these people get through life walking around acting like ignorant dumb fox and I'm having problems with like basic shit like making sure that I brush my teeth and brush my hair and bathes And it's stupid and I'm so angry about it

And I'm mad right now that my hips hurt and my back hurts and I can't do anything about it unless I go to the urgent care and get some anti-inflammatory shots in my ass because otherwise I'm gonna have to lay in bed for a few days and I don't want to do that and I want to do a bunch of other stuff but I'm exhausted and I have to take a break and I don't want to take a fucking break

And I don't know why I always feel like I'm in a frantic rush like I'm the white rabbit in Alice in Wonderland screaming we're late we're late

I don't know what I feel frantic sometimes and I guess it's anxiety related or I don't know

I miss my grandmother's so fucking much I really do

They understood me and my uncle understood me and he still alive and I would really love to visit him but nobody will let me and I don't know how he's doing and I'm just sadd I want to know my odds and my uncles and not be treated like shit

I wish I had a tighter knit group of friends and a better support system Travis is wonderful and all but since I've been hanging out with him other people are acting weird because they're not understanding that he's sober because they haven't seen him in a long time and a lot of people think that we're dating and I had to correct so many people at the metal show and it was not fun To be like yeah that's no that's my brother you know no thank you he's really great though and you should definitely talk to him if you're interested but I am not interested

And the thing is sometimes I look at him and I try to be interested I really do because he's nice enough to do there are some things about him that I really don't like but I know he would be good to me but I'm not attracted to him in the way that I would need to be I don't see him like that he's like a brother today he literally farted at me and then ran out the room like an asshole Or a brother I don't know

But like it was just weird everything's weird I just want to be back where I was going to shows and socializing and God damn I miss having sex it's been so fucking long and it takes so long for me to have a connection with somebody to do that and maybe I just need to get laid

Maybe we just need to figure out a way to get me laid without me losing my mind maybe I need to have a one night stand that's really good or something but I'm not that kind of person no I was cursed with demisexuality and it takes me a long time to like somebody and jump into bed with them or I have to be horribly comfortable around them I have to feel at ease

I don't even know if I like sex anymore

Like if this is too much information you can just skip over it because I'm gonna keep talking about it I can't really Get myself to pleasure myself anymore and when I do it's more of like a compulsive thing because I feel like I just need to get off and go to sleep it's not something that like I'm enjoying anymore and I don't like this

And I had to talk to my GYN because I have never had a traditional orgasm like I'm supposed to and so the Doctor was like well there's a procedure we can do where we can inject plasma into then you'll have orgasms and I'm like that sounds really cool we could try that if I can afford it but like I also get these awful sists and The doctors figured out what's causing it however there's been no treatment for it because they want me to lose weight but I have thyroid issues and even if I Stick to a diet and exercise it does not help me drop weight until my metabolism is working correctly and if I'm in hypothyroid then it's not working and if I'm in hyperthyroid then I drop weight or super fast and I don't know right now I can hear my Neighbors screaming at 1 another and it's Driving me Insane because it's Really late at night and I shouldn't be able to hear people screaming at each other from 2 Doors down Inside of their apartment

And I told my dad that I would be willing to stay short-term in a downstairs apartment somewhere safe and quiet if I didn't have neighbors above me that stamped around or at least the noise was muffled a little bit because people get on the roof above my apartment to fix the AC units for the apartment surrounding me and some people just climb app there and party and I can hear them when they're walking app there and it's so Loud and scares the shit out of me every single time Since the time I moved in

So I don't know if having an upstairs neighbor is tolerable for me and I do not want to make things hard on my family and I already feel like a huge burden

And there was a time where my dad was doing nothing but calling me an imposition For weeks he was doing this I wasn't serious pain I had a back injury I was using a Walker to move around and he was being abusive to me severely and telling me I was faking everything while I was crying in pain't struggling to get up the stairs and he just drove off and left me by myself to figure out how to do things and I had to pay my ex-boyfriend to stay with me when my father and my mother could have done that where my sister could have done that and all I needed them to do was just fucking call EMSIf I fell and my doctors have been telling my parents to move me to a downstairs apartment and get me some sort of help when my back is fucked up If they can't as my family help me

Because I was always taught that family is supposed to help family and be the ones that you can talk to about anything and be closest to and that's why I don't want to give up because I want that and I was lied to

There's just so much I'm finding out at 37 about the way people think and work and just operate and I don't understand it doesn't make sense to me I don't get it it's not clicking in my head

And people are like well if you know it's not clicking in your head then shouldn't you be able to figure that out and I'm like no but because my brain does not work like yours and I don't think like that and I could try to think like that but it doesn't make it click into place

It's just like I don't understand why my partner being my dominant and helping me get things done by tasking me works but it does and I don't know how he can magically put me in subspace and I feel completely relaxed and safe and like I'm being protected and then I'm given Like long distance after care a little bit of a chat or he'll check on me the next morning and see how I'm doing and nobody else Has ever really been able to do that with me and Figure out how to loop hole my brain But he does and he's good at it and sometimes I ain't like hey I really need help today because I can't fucking function

And if he has the time then yes we do that and if he doesn't then he lets me know but usually he won't leave me with nothing he'll at least tell me ZI can wear my collar and tell me to find something to keep myself busy until he can do something for me or Whatever.

You know he wants me to find a partner here and I'm looking and it's just really hard because it's not like I can really be dating people here actively right now and letting them get to know me when I'm still figuring shit out and in therapy for all my crap and about the only person that I would be willing to sleep with currently is my ex-boyfriend who does not seem to be interested in whatsoever but I could be wrong because I can never tell when somebody is interested in me it's confusing as fuck people have to like directly tell me hi I like you I would like to have sex with you I would like to date you etc like otherwise I'm fucking clueless

I hate this so much

I hate the incessant compulsive need to just process all this shit constantly for pages and II don't know if it's helping me or not

I mean apparently according to my psychiatrist this is actually a good thing for ptsd but I don't know

I'm not noticing the good things that other people are about me and I don't know what that is Like I don't know what is changing for the good and they tell me that like I'm doing so much better and then I'm like I don't know what the fuck you're talking about dude

Also completely off-topic since I'm not really staying on topic anyway but completely fucking off-topic out of left field I need to talk about something well I'm thinking about it

So I used to hang out with Matthew on Sundays and Father's Day was Sunday and Matthew still follows me on TikTok and liked quite a few of my reposts during probably the time he was supposed to be hanging out with his kids and wife for Father's Day stuff and I feel that he probably would rather be here with me but he chose to not divorce his wife and Stay together with her for the kids benefit which is stupid in my opinion but I understand that his kids come first but I still think that a divorce Would not hurt the children and no I'm not talking about Matt in New Jersey I'm talking about Matthew who was a transperson and They use heat they pronounced and they wanted to be more feminine but unfortunately they were kind of built like a Jack marine and it just wasn't like a girly style that they wanted to try and say they just presented as masculine and male and I have discovered that I am attracted to people who are male to female trans or or I am sometimes attracted to Stone top lesbians though I have never gotten to experience any sort of intimothy other than with Matthew who was a sexual so the intimacy was only just cuddling and they caught me off guard 1 day when they just gave me the world's most beautiful Wonderful kiss and the last time I saw them in person They went to leave because one of their kids was very sick and in the hospital but before they left and walked out the door they ran back over to me and they kissed me and And then the next thing I knew his wife was calling and it all blindsided me because he told me he was looking for a lawyer to get into force but it turns out that he had gotten a house with his wife and they had been going to couples therapy and he had just neglected to tell me for 4 fucking months out of years of a relaxing spin time together type relationship Z He just didn't want to hurt my feelings by letting me know what was going on

He didn't think that his wife was smart enough to figure out that he was coming over to my apartment and I wanted to be left out of the drama because I had heard the way that she spoke to him and it was horribly abusive and I was always under the impression that they were separated and in the process of trying to divorce and I was lied to you and that hurt really bad and I did get an apology and I do believe that they are sorry And I miss them desperately and I can't reach out any more than I have because it's going to get him in trouble because his wife is really awful and the only reason he's with her and chose to stay with her is for their kids and sometimes I hope that he will change his mind and divorce her and show up at my doorstep And sometimes I think about well maybe he will wait until the kids are 18 and then say fuck you to her and come back to me but then I put that on a shelf for later and I walk away from it because it hurts so much

And last night I met the most beautiful Woman who was definitely male to female at med city ballroom I believe she works there and I wanted so badly to flirt with her but I didn't know how and she was so pretty and It was so interesting because she had a very strong masculine deep voice but she looked very very feminine like she started her hormones very early or something and if she had spoken in a woman's voice I would've never known because usually you can kind of tell by facial structure and body build but no not with this person And It makes me want to go back and see her again but I don't even know her name

And one thing that Matthew told meWhen I discovered that I likedMale to female transpeople he was aggravated by that and what he was aggravated about was that I wasn't interested in dating a transperson that had bottom surgery I was interested in transpeople who aren't interested in bottom surgery who want to date women who want to have sex with women but are still trans and women themselves And I was told that this was wrong and I don't understand how that's wrong and it made me cry becauseIt's just a preference it's not anything that's like a fetish for me it's just what I don't see how that's wrongAnd who knows I maybe would date somebody with bottom surgery but I could never be sexual with a woman that way because I have had a horrible trauma and I am not interested in female genitalia at all I don't even like my own but I don't want male genitalia that I'm aware of

I experienced romantic attraction I experienced sexual attraction I think pretty sure I am I guess pansexpaul and Demi sexual. I don't know whatever labels and terms else I would identify as

I mean me myself I don't really know if I identify any certain gender but I just use she her pronouns because it feels easier because it just feels really complicated if I want to use other pronouns and having to tell people but I don't even feel the need to do that and people don't generally believe me when I tell them that I'm not straight or people think that I'm a lesbian because I don't exactly dress feminine or really give off feminine energy to them

And I really do wish that I could be somebody but I don't really feel like somebody I just feel like a part of a brain with was a body and I don't even know if this is me or part of me talking and II don't know

And and there's so many lives I want to live and so many things I see and it just doesn't seem possible

I wish I had some sort of aesthetic and style for myself I wish I had some sort of cause play type identity that everybody else seems to have

They seem to know what they like to wear and know what looks good on them and they can flaunt it and pull it off and they look great and I feel gross and it doesn't matter if I'm thinner because I have been thinner I've never been skinny but I've been thinner and I still look stupid and things that I would try on and I've been bigger than I am now and I look terrible and the clothing that I would try on and I don't really have very many clothes to wear I just have like 2 pairs of pants and a bunch of old ass shirts with holes in them and It's really not great

And my mom gives me clothing and when I wear it it looks like old lady clothing of course because she is an older lady and it ages me and I want to wear leg a crop top but I look stupid wearing them because I don't look like the fat girl models that look good in those clothes

I just don't my body shape as bizarre

All the things that are flattering come in ugly colors and bad patterns or it's too expensive to buy and the sewing machine I was given because I was like fuck it maybe I will sew my own clothing well nobody knows how to work it and I was promised my other grandmother's sewing machine but my mom is letting abusive alcoholic man probably use that or she's like squirrelled it away and says she's gonna use it someday but if you saw how absolutely filled to the brim her house is of just boxes of stuff that she's going to get 21 day it's sad because the hoarding disorder she has is Very sad and her need to constantly get more things and buy more food because she felt sheaker app with scarcity even though both of my uncles are not like this at all and they told me that she got everything she wanted growing app and she would throw tantrums if she didn't and she never really got in trouble and they got a brunt of the abuse from my grandfather and according to my oldest aunt on my father's side he's always been out of control And strange acting since he was young and he's done some fucked up things and I looked up things and I don't know who to believe

Anyway circling back to my sexuality I don't know what to do anymore about dating

Like I'm happy with Matt but he's right I do need somebody that's here. Unless he decides to just move down here I don't have anyone. Sometimes I think he gets a little drunk and talks about wanting to move to New Orleans and retire and live here with me and that sounds like a wonderful thing andI know that he really wants to marry his primary partner who already has a husband and that's not something he can do and not and I consider him my primary partner but he wants me to have a partner here and I understand that but I haven't found anybody that's acceptable and I would consider dating my ex-boyfriend again because he's sober now andYou know he would always apologize to me about all the awful shit he did and I let him get away with and all that and I was like well you know verbal apologies don't generally make me feel any better because I've had you know my family apologized to me for hurting me and then they do it over and over and over and over and over again and apologies begin to mean nothing to me and the only thing that means something to me is seeing a change in a person And them doing the work and proving it to me and I do wonder if that's something he chose to do for himself or partly because of me orIf maybe I just contributed to it by putting that in his head when I was talking to him about how you know apologies are great but I'm tired of having apologies and not saying any changes like maybe that clicked in his head 1 day or I don't know maybe somebody else magically convinced him to get silver I'm not sure

And I love him and I know about all the stupid shit he's done like shit that no other girl would put up with but it's not really a big deal to me

And he's fucking younger than me and I don't know if that's a good idea even my partner is 2 years younger than me

I wish I could like Travis I just don't though and it's really aggravating I can't make myself I've tried I've tried to get myself attracted to him and I just can't do it I know everybody really wishes for that tap but it's just not going to that I can see

And I have spoken to a lot of really cool nice people and they seem interested in me but no one ever tells me if they are andI don't know what I'm doing anymore

And I'm really lonely like my partner tries his best and today he was supposed to be here for me he knew it was gonna be a hard day and all of that and he wasn't here for me and it hurt andI don't know if he had a reason or if he's just fucking forgot because he's an alcoholic and he needs to get his shit together but you know I promise not to fix him but he also let's me know whenIt's OK for me to call him out on bullshit and I'm pretty timid about calling anybody out on bullshit other than I'm late unless they are hurting somebody I love and care about

And I wonder if I do actually love and care about myself and that's why I am so vicious and protective of myself and I do wonder if that's why I'm so vicious and protective of people I love if there's like a correlation between that if that makes sense I don't know but like I never really thought about if I loved myself or not because I don't really know what myself is I just know that myself Never got protected it never got Justice for what happened to her and she needs somebody to protect her or she's going to get hurt Again and we can't do it we've been trying and I don't know where she is We look for the course self all the time and sometimes she's then she disappears and I don't know because it's real bizarre because I'm part of her I am her but then I'm not and We don't know what's going on with that I don't know what's going on is what I don't know if it's me or if I'm crazy or I mean I don't have like pretty much given up even reading about this sort of stuff because it is so confusing

Like how do people go about Not being broken into pieces because I feel broken in a million little pieces and you know it's really weird if you have me do handwriting my handwriting changes constantly and it's really weird it's like script and print and the styles change and It's really bizarre and you know I see the paragraph that I wrote wee and I'm like who the fuck is we but I know that there's a wee because I know it's just I don't understand how to explain it

I don't like talking about it because I don't want some other diagnosis so a Doctor can treat me like I'm crazy and tell me to quit smoking weed and take me off of my anxiety medicine when I actually need those things for pain and all sorts of other reasons

And I've already explained the purpose of those medications so I don't need to go over that and you No somebody has to protect her

Nobody protects her

And I'm scared that everybody's going to find out that I'm not like them

But I also don't know why I care

I don't know why I can't just say fuck it

I don't know why there's just no Justice for all of the bad things that happen I don't know why people don't follow rules I don't understand that I don't know if this talkie part of me is an altar or me or a disorder or just PTSD or 80 HD

I'm not correcting that we can all figure out what that means I'm pretty sure

You know I always suspected that I had some sort of disassociative disorder and my mom's even made comment about like how I always was spacing out especially when they were arguing but I don't understand why they never stopped are you and once they noticed that it was causing me to great distress because who the fuck does that to a kid what the fuck is wrong with grown ass adults why do they do that in front of children I wish I could slap the faces of every single fucking person that does that And then like chokes slam them into a wall and tell them that they're gonna fuck up their kid to hell if they continue and they shouldn't be fucking parents if they're going to continue acting like that

You know I could have really hurt my sister and my family doesn't know that I could have really really hurt her when she attacked me and I had so much trouble trying to fight with myself and parts of myself it's all to hold it together and just like shove her ass out of the way and try to block the hits that were being thrown and all the bullshit she was screaming at me and I tried really hard to reason with her And I thought about putting her in a hold where she couldn't get loose and I could just make her take a little nap on the carpet and she would be fine but I didn't want to hurt her Or cause her any more distress and my dad told me that it wasn't about the candle for her that she was just pissed off because she had a bad day at work and that makes me even angrier now that I know that it had nothing to do with the candle for her because I thought it was all about the stupid fucking candle

No she's just immature and a little asshole and she just decided she was gonna try and beat me up

I grew up with people that would go to the person they hated's house and if their parents weren't home they would go in the house and drag them outside and beat their ass on their own front lawn

I grew up with gen x people.

I ran around with my best friend Going to fucking trap houses and I'm not bragging about it it's not cool the things that I experienced I rode around in the back of the car with her getting stoned as hell while her boyfriend and baby daddy and her friend's boyfriend and baby daddy wrote around and sold crack and the only reason that I know what a crack rock looks like is because they showed me and it looks like a block of parmesan cheese it's wild and now I know as I call it Certain slang names and I've never done it I've never touched it I've never actually physically touched it because I know that shit can soak in through your skin and people don't realize that Also I mean it's made with lake household chemicals and that's pretty fucking gross

But also I have definitely smoked a Blunt that had Coke in it before and I did not know it and It made me incredibly sick it did not get me fucked up it just made me sick and want to fucking die and I thought I was dying but I didn't and I would never want to touch it again

And then one time my mom's shitty alcoholic pet boyfriend whatever the fuck he is got me some weed because I didn't have anybody to get it from and it was laced with cocaine and PC P and I smoke that and it was a large bag of it and he said it was Mexican weed and I really do think that it fucked me up and the reason I know what it was laced with is because I was waking up in puddles of sweat and smoking entirely too much constantly and then one evening I had an auditory hallucination about being in a ballroom with leg you know like bridgerton style and this was before bridgerton existed and it was like mentally in my mind's eye I could see everything and physically I was just laying in bed But I could hear the talking and the music and it was beautiful but it was also terrifying and so I asked my dad to go get me a Drug test and I pissed tested myself and it popped for those 2 things and I was horrified so I had him get rid of it and everybody was like I would have taken that that's hilarious oh my God do you know how expensive it is to get PCP and I'm like why in the world would you want to do those drugs

Like why would you want to do PCP?

Like you know how anti psychotics can cause people all sorts of problems yet that drug can wreck your brain for the rest of your life and I worry that that's what happened was before I moved out of his house right before I moved in with Lucy and Don't know if it did something to me and changed me. I do know that it can profoundly change people and it can cripple them and fuck them up beyond belief

And then one time I smoked opiumThat was in a Blunt and I thought it was really weird that everybody else was nodding off and faded and I was wide awake and like Hey guys Hey hey I don't fucking hurt this is the best thing ever who wants to go on a long walk with me andWe're all so fucked up and I was just pain free.

I never did that again though

I was always scared of doing other things

I did try the stupid gas station weed before and all it did was give me an awful fucking headache back in the day when spice was popular

I was like fuck that

And then I used to go get dackeries a lot with Kelly and I would ride with her so she could go get her pills and I would help her find fucking hose clamps.

But I never took those medicines unless I was prescribed them for paying for myself for my own problems because I wasn't interested and how they made me feel I'd just liked having no pain but I never had an addiction to them that was never an issue I've never had like any sort of addiction issues

And I guess I'm lucky about that but sometimes I look at the vodka that lives in my refrigerator and I think about just getting wasaid because I just want to

And sometimes I look at alcohol and beer in the store and I want to get it and I don't have any sort of drinking problem or anything but there's so much history in the family of drinking problems that I don't know I don't want to tempt fate but sometimes I do want to go out and have drinks and get drunk and I don't really have anybody to go out and party with and Justin Was a person that I was going to be comfortable doing that wasn't till he got really fucking weird and we are still technically friends but I have been ghosting him because I can't really handle a lot of his behavior which is very similar to my father's behavior that I finally figured out what bothered me.

The thing is like he really likes me or at least he thinks he does but what I noticed is he likes the idea of me and not actually who I am and he had problems with who I am when I tried to show him who I was currently and he didn't like that and I'm just like well I'm not going to morph myself into the perfect little tradwife for you sorry that's not going to happen And then him insulting my partner really pissed me off and I've already told him off about it

Because what did he think that he was going to pretend to be Polly and then start dating me and then push Mat out of the picture

And the last time we spoke he was just like well I've been thinking about you in the most leg try hard flirty way and I was like you internally I wanted to say it out loud but I just didn't and I didn't even respond to it over the phone call and I just changed subjects because it's just like I don't know what I'm supposed to do cause I don't like him like that he knows it and he's still pushing even though I have put his ass in friendzone or whatever the fuck you want to call it people are like Always bitching about friendzone and terms and crap like that and it's just like oh come onEverybody knows that technically friend zone is just like you liked the person but you don't like the person enough to fuck them or date them so they're just a good friend because they're a nice person you don't want to like not be friends with them and then it just makes things complicated if the person can't just stay within the boundaries and he crossed my fucking boundaries by messaging me to ask how I was doing when I told him that I would message him when I was ready to talk and feeling better and I'm still not feeling better and he has continued to message me and I don't really Want to reply right now and he can just live with that or he can fuck off

And I don't know I think I'm just gonna stop for the evening I'd have plenty of other things to talk about and I think you know it's time that we have out decompression time and go to sleep

AndI don't know sometimes it just really feels like time is bending because it goes fast and then it goes slow and then it doesn't make any sense to me at all and thenI just start thinking about you know how the Earth and the universe is just not locally real and how all of that works and all these lake theories that it keeps me up at night but not in a bad way because at night I can just quietly do what I please on the computer and I can comfortably eat without feeling embarrassed or shamed and it doesn't trigger my eating disorder And I can smoke weed and not be bothered and I can do you pretty much everything except make loud assNoises because I don't really want to disturb my neighbors or I might be like enjoying myself loudly singing or something but you can hear through the fucking walls

So like generally I just watch Korean dramas and whatever shows that look good on Netflix and prime and I might also be playing like a Sims game and I might be having like 60 tabs open with 6 different rabbit holes of research I'm doing on some sort of niche subject that I have become hyper fixated on and then suddenly I'll be like I'm not interested in this anymore and I'll close it and then I'll be like oh no where did that go and I'll never be able to find the fucking webpage again and you know there's just So much information and I want to absorb all of it.

I have some videos that I have not posted that I'm going to post here

I found them to be very interesting and it really explains somewhat how I feel you'll and I haven't really looked at any disassociative disordered TikTok's but I was considering doing that to see if there is anything relatible to show you but most of the ones that I save are about like other mental health issues or narcissistic abuse or whatever that I very strongly Agree with and understand that I want other people to see and understand and share

I don't like that my dad has put me on a time crunch that I'm going to have to change phone proviters and you get a new phone and start paying a bill for that and he's acting like I can't just give him money for the family plan that we're on and I'm like are you planning to die soon and he doesn't look good like he'll eat it lose weight but he has no muscle it looks like and I'm like Hey I want to ask him hey you know is are you fucking dying are you going to die soon do I need to go ahead and start grieving now like I already grieved a little bit when I was on the contact but you know I quitBecause my mom would tell me about the awful shit he would say about me behind my back and the shit he would say to her and it made me mad and I was just like fuck him

And you know same thing with my sister who's just being awful to my mother and it's weird because my mom will be nice to me but then you'll turn around and be really nasty to me and you know next session it's probably going to be about things I do that she doesn't like.

I never really hear or see my parents act genuine.

It was weird as hell to see my father act the way he did today.

Chelsea said he looked scared when I asked what his facial expression was.

I was pissed that he was late.

I still don't understand what he needed to talk to you about first and why.

I left that choice up to you.

I can't go back in time. I should have said no. I should have just gone in together.

I started to panic when he went in there with you.

My father, the person that literally hurt my neck connective tissue and I had whiplash pain for weeks. I have evidence. I could send him to jail.

I didn't bruise and didn't think to take pictures of the red marks on my chest from my sister before they went away but she admitted she did it and not even about the candle

Who does that?

Now I'm angrier because it wasn't about that. She was just mad and had a bad day and wanted an excuse to fight.

I regret not fighting back or calling the cops now.

I regret not beating her ass to teach her a lesson.

Fuck her.

She didn't apologize and she's partying and getting stoned and drinking having fun not giving a fuck about what she's doing to others around her.

If she ever puts her hands on me again like that I will defend myself.

But no I'm being nice. I got her a bag with plan b and condoms and narcan and fentanyl test kits. I'm still trying to be a good big sister.

I'm trying to just be a person.

[watercolourferns]

I'm sick of being tired all the time and getting no rest AT ALL.

I'm naturally nocturnal, but since I got COVID and started on this "is this CFS/MS or is it just me getting old?? I'm too poor to find out out tho" journey I've found that by 11:30 pm I'm too tired to do anything, or even think and I'm in pain constantly too due to my scoliosis so that doesn't help... I toss and turn a lot so getting rest is kind of a problem, and I wake up groggy, with more brain fog than before, headaches galore, my meniere's acts up, it's awful... It exacerbates every symptom, both mental and physical and new and old, I have and I can't function for the day.

But I've found that if I go to sleep at the same hour and wake up at the same hour every day it helps a lot in bringing down does symptoms. So I need to set a schedule for myself to at least try and get some rest. But my brain keeps fighting it, as I said I'm naturally nocturnal.

My brain keeps saying "Go back to bed, it's too damn early!!!" and no amount of me juggling with alarms helps, my brain's just too stubborn and I don't know what to do anymore.

I wake up zombie-like and in so much pain I can't even stretch.

I think it's the weather, it's been flipflopping between cold and warm all month, which I know it's happening, but doesn't make it any easier to handle.

I guess my hops for finding a temperate place to live are gone due to climate change, but at least I'd love to know WHY did my body start to break down like this... Surely nothing I did as a teen except my ED would drive me to this. I did stay up late and things, but I always made sure I got plenty of rest the next day, I was an athlete most of my elementaryand middle school and in highschool and uni I swam out of pleasure because I ADORE swimming, so I kept active and as healthy as someone with OSFED and being a picky eater can be... now?

And I think it was the COVID, I think it was the three times I got it, none of which were my fault, which is even more frustrating. The first time I had it I was out helping mum with groceries, people weren't respecting the masking policy and the elderly schedules, they were out and about as if nothing was happening, taking off their masks to cough and sneeze (a woman at the clinic did that and when we all called her out she tried to cough in our direction, jokes on her we were ALL sick already, the bitch...). We were ironically out to get masks... The second was because our then bff was bunking with us and she refused to stop going out and quarantine and wear masks. She put me, with a weak immune system already, my fiancée, and my elderly parents in danger, and I got sick. We called her out and she dismissed it. I dunno why we thought it was a good idea to all three live together out of my parents' house after that... I think it was desperation. Third time was because my fiancée got sick. She had the CanSino and then the Pfizer and started to show symptoms, people were being very irresponsible at her workplace so we think she already had the virus and vaccine just accelerated it. Can that happen? Anyway, we both got it because I was taking care of her, but we were already vaccinated by then so it wasn't as bad.

I'm so sick of feeling sick all the time, it's like we're back at our early childhood... It stupid and painful and we miss out on a shit ton of stuff going around us... And we can't sleep well...

I don't want to continue breaking down, I'm sick of all of this...