#so my first long term bf and I have continued to tell each other happy birthday since we broke up uhhhh ages ago

[bewitching-666]

..

[littlefreya]

Hello Freya! I feel like the most horrible person in the world, let me tell you (I am sorry this is long but my friends are no use and I need help):

My boyfriend Andy (33) is a heavily tattooed, pierced and divorced man, I only knew that he and his ex were married for 10 years, never had children and are on bad terms, I come from a very religious and conservative family, so even when I (30) am nor a virgin I still haven’t slept with my boyfriend, we have been together for four months, he makes me very happy but neither my family or friends like him because he’s not the “perfect man” stereotypical person, physically at lest, and they hate that he’s divorced (we met almost a year after he got divorced so I don’t really understand the problem here), he knows he’s not accepted and I try to change my family and friends view of him but it’s hard, still try to show him that I don’t care about it and that I love him. The problem is that the day before yesterday I went to sleep at his house for time (we live 2 hours away from each other, in a different state but he still drives every day or two to see me), we went out with a copule of his old school friends and I drank a little bit (not drunk at all not even tipsy, this was the first time I drank in front of him) and I noticed they reacted weirdly even tho they were doing the same and my boyfriend was constantly texting, after a while he relaxed and completely forgot about his phone, we got to his house early in the morning (like 5 something am) and went directly to sleep, about at 11 am we got woken up by someone desperately knocking at his door, we went to see and when he opened the door a couple (his friend Jake and his wife Carmen) were extremely worried and desperate, his friend immediately started checking on him while his wife Carmen placed herself between me and my boyfriend and she looked at me with so much anger, Andy was trying to calm Jake and I was very confused until I heard Andy tell Jake that he was having fun and forgot about his phone and that’s why he didn’t continue texting, that we were good and they didn’t have to worry about him because knew now he was safe with me, thats when I stated asking questions, my bf was trying to change the subject but his friend’s wife Carmen showed me her phone with their group chat, it turns out he thought I wasn’t physically attracted to him because of the lack of sexual activity and because I rejected his advances twice (one before dating and the other in the first week), also he got very scared when I started drinking because his ex wife was a drunk and used to physically abuse him badly whenever she drank so seeing me drink triggered him, when I looked up to see him he was crying begging me to let him explain and not leave him, I thanked his friends for loving him and protecting him and assured them he was in fact safe with me, when they left my boyfriend told me all about his trauma and OMG he lived an actual hell and unknowingly I did or said lots of things that triggered him or reminded him of how his ex used to act but I never hurt him or even intended too, I feel so bad about this bit IDK how to make it ok, his friends and parents hate me because they thought I knew and was doing it on purpose to keep him scared and use his money (according to Jake, although after he and his wife left they seemed a little bit happier with me and both Jake and Carmen started following me on Ig after?), my bf has been crying and sad the whole day and IDK what to do.

Okay, this is a handful and while it’s nice that his friends care about him, they really crossed so many boundaries here.

The fact that your boyfriend has trauma due to previous relationship sucks but it’s up to him to open up about it and tell you if he is feeling triggered or not. There is no reason for Jake and Carmen to come to his house uninvited and tell you about his trauma without your bf consent and definitely not aggressively come between the two of you. They can advise him privately but doing what they did is not acceptable. He is not in a life threatening situation and whatever problems you two are dealing with is up to you.

If your boyfriend is sad you need to talk about it together. You and him also need to make it clear to his friends that while you appreciate their concern, this is between you to solve.

[easingintostillness]

maybe i do this lowkey subconsciously but let's say im on a first date, my ultimate filter seems to always be around: how different are we.

one time i had this bumble date with a guy who seems to have almost exactly the same habits and interests as i. before i went, i was confident it would go smoothly, but then on d-day it felt almost too... easy? i dont know how to explain it, but kinda like seeing myself in another person yet it doesnt particularly spark me. like, "if we're the exact same people, nothing will be exciting". sure it's smooth, but i know it will be fucking boring in the long run. lowkey weird to not feel the click and lowkey felt bad for not pursuing; cuz literally nothing's wrong, he did nothing wrong, it's just... i need more. why would i want another person if he brings only the same things i do. like going to a potluck but we'll be both bringing the same food—like, why bother.

im also a firm believer that matched up differences are the ultimate keys to growth. i figured that all my best friends and i, we all have such different flavours, different preferences to things, different approaches to life. yet, among all these differences, there's always this :respect:—and that's the solid foundation that's kinda delicate, and rare, and special. like, "oh wow you do things so differently than i, but i respect that, go on tell me more". so there's an exchange, a stimulation, a continuous reflection. like, it won't work if one of us dismiss/undermine each other, that's why i said it's rare and delicate. review so far? i felt like being with them strengthen who i am as a person. i get to see myself clearly, but in a way that isn't so... fixed. the way they challenge me prompts me to think in a different way than i usually do. often they're the rocks im holding onto. a smack in ma ass. the microscope in my blindspots.

had two long-terms bf and both are definitely a totally, totally different person than i. so, i guess i'd say "complementary" attributes are more attractive. like, i lack in this particular thing, but they're great in that. and isn't that sweet. i don't think i could ever be with someone who doesn't challenge me, doesn't question me—cuz where's the growth without all that?

i remember how i was such a stubborn ass who used to say things like, "well, this is who i am, take it or leave it". but props to my ex that time who didn't put up with that, yet still tried to go gentle with me, having me relook and re-evaluate what i believed to be right about me. definitely forgot what exactly he did say, but it was something like, "nothing is ever so fixed, you're capable of change, especially if it's for the better, why not?". and that woke me up. i started to acknowledge what parts of who i was no longer served me, and with what i would like to replace those. in what way i could be... better. again, it's character development through interactions with another person. and from that one, what i shed a lot was my selfishness. i realized how much i always put myself and my interest first. i'd always put so much importance on my independence. yet, i learned that, it didnt even have to be a clear cut. i can maintain my sense of independence while still also catering to my partner's needs—because i love em, and i want em to be happy. so, instead of thinking of my very own personal happiness all the time, i kinda started thinking about his too. and it was a humbling experience. i never told him how i appreciate that shit about him, for being able to cut thru me and my thick defenses, and i guess at the core of it, it was love. i know he loved me and wanted me grow, i know he didnt have any ill intentions; and that's why it worked.

so yeah, difference is indeed a precious shit, and like he said, nothing is too fixed about us, we're capable of change.

[erwinsvow]

𝐫𝐞𝐥𝐚𝐭𝐢𝐨𝐧𝐬𝐡𝐢𝐩𝐬 | 𝐚𝐭𝐭𝐚𝐜𝐤 𝐨𝐧 𝐭𝐢𝐭𝐚𝐧

author's note: sorry i just cannot stop writing headcanons! it's my favorite thing to write. i really hope everyone enjoys these, they include things from these two works of mine as well :) -shea

𝐣𝐞𝐚𝐧 𝐤𝐢𝐫𝐬𝐭𝐞𝐢𝐧

very much the involved boyfriend

once you guys finally start dating, he just immediately wants you guys to merge lives and share friends, even though that’s not a simple process

but it’s really because he cares about you so deeply he doesn’t want there to be a part of his life that you’re just not involved in

therefore; very involved

you guys manage your schedules together and plan out dinners and dates in advance

he mostly really likes having something to look forward too, like time with you

the kind of boyfriend that remembers little stuff you say here and there

like if you mention your mom’s birthday is coming up, he’ll ask later what you’re getting her and suggest some ideas. probably would send your mom flowers too to earn brownie points

or if you have a stressful week with exams and papers, he’ll stop by randomly with coffee and a snack and a hug

i honestly don’t see jean as the kind of boyfriend to start/carry on a fight, because he would hate knowing that you two are upset with each other. so i think any fights would be resolved pretty quickly

if one did happen to go over night or last a few days, he would definitely apologize first and bring you flowers, even if you were the one who started it

honestly though, with a guy like jean, what is there to fight about

overall, just a super caring boyfriend that makes the little stuff the memorable stuff

𝐚𝐫𝐦𝐢𝐧 𝐚𝐫𝐥𝐞𝐫𝐭

the! best! boyfriend! ever!

i see armin as the ideal caring boyfriend

he just really likes to have someone to take care of, and he is also really touched that someone trusts him enough to ensure their heart to him

so he takes every measure to make sure he’s being the best partner he can be

a lot of emotional sharing, and i feel like would happen pretty early on as well

only because he is so trustworthy and you know you can tell him everything on your mind, even stuff that you maybe haven’t told anyone else

this just makes your relationship progress even further. you two are the couple that has been dating for a month but knows they are going to be together for a long time

speaking of, you are the mom and the dad of the friend group, which is so adorable but calls for a lot of teasing from your friends

but armin knows he’s going to marry you one day, so he just laughs when eren cracks another joke about it

𝐫𝐞𝐢𝐧𝐞𝐫 𝐛𝐫𝐚𝐮𝐧

i’ll be real, this relationship is definitely not the easiest

reiner definitely loves you, don’t get me wrong, but a big part of him probably thinks he doesn’t deserve someone like you to care about him

which isn’t easy in a relationship because i feel like he would try and distance himself from getting too attached in the beginning

maybe he just thinks you’re going to see through him and realize you don’t want this anymore (which is not true at all, but just his intrusive thoughts)

i think you would try to reassure him about your feelings and how much you want this relationship, but then he feels like you shouldn’t have to reassure him, and that you shouldn’t be in the kind of relationship where you have to reassure the person. basically he thinks you deserve someone better, and you know that there is no one better for you

eventually i think this reaches a breaking point. through a lot of angst and honesty and tears, you two finally work it out

i think after clearing things up, things take a huge turn for the better

he definitely learns that there’s nothing wrong with being a relationship where you have to take care of each other, and he’s definitely thankful that you continued to stand by him

so sorry about this angst, but on the bright side, this man would be such a devoted boyfriend

his friends definitely make fun of him for looking at you like you hung the stars and moon in the sky

i also think all this angst would lead to you two being really open and vulnerable with each other, which is really important to him

also definitely a mama’s boy and can’t wait to introduce you to her

just like armin, he knows you’re gonna be his wife someday

𝐞𝐫𝐞𝐧 𝐲𝐞𝐚𝐠𝐞𝐫

even though i think it would take eren a long time to settle down and commit to a healthy, long-term relationship, once he does, he would be a great boyfriend

he is a really caring guy, and i feel like part of his hesitance is about opening up to someone if they’re just gonna leave

but i think he can tell early on that this would be different

i have a feeling his love language is quality time, and so you two are always planning little things together

he especially loves last-minute, impromptu dates that arise from a random thought

like he’ll grab two sandwiches and take you to the beach at sunset, even if you just got home or had something to get done

or knock on your door at midnight and take you to the nearest roof to stargaze together

i feel like eren is the boyfriend who becomes your closest friend over time

you guys go to each other first when you need to rant or talk or babble endlessly

it’s an interesting dynamic but it works well for you guys

the kind of bf that people assume he’s a single bachelor and will stay that way forever, or people don’t believe that he’s settled down, and then when they see you two together they’re shocked

𝐦𝐚𝐫𝐜𝐨 𝐛𝐨𝐭𝐭

you and marco have the most wholesome relationship

if i had to picture anyone whose relationship feels like the honeymoon phase even after a whole year, it is marco

he has a habit of making every small date, every meeting or interaction just feel so special, like every day is a special occasion

the kind of boyfriend who gets you a promise ring early on with every intention of replacing it with an engagement ring and wedding band one day

a big moment for him is introducing you to his friends! he knows they’ll love you, and he just wants you to meet the other most important people in his life

especially you and jean, this boy would be on cloud nine seeing you two get along so well. makes him super happy and teary-eyed

the responsible bf who takes care of everything for you, even little, everyday things so you don’t have to worry about it

like making sure there’s a cup of water on the nightstand when you go to bed, or setting an extra alarm to make sure you don’t oversleep, or reminding you about a deadline

overall just <3 boyfriend marco

𝐥𝐞𝐯𝐢 𝐚𝐜𝐤𝐞𝐫𝐦𝐚𝐧

the nonchalant, cool boyfriend who has to hide how sappy he actually is

pretends like he’s not nervous as all hell on your first date. acts like you leaning into him on the walk back home, or kissing his cheek at your doorstep before you say good night isn’t giving him heart palpitations.

also majorly touch-starved. after you two really open up to each other, which happens way sooner than he expected, it’s hard for him to keep his hands away from you.

he’s reserved in public, a simple arm around you waist or hands interlaced while you guys are out

but when you’re in the privacy of your home, it’s almost instinctual for him to pull you close

he loves when you lay your head on his chest, but nothing compares to when you let him lay his head on yours.

you stroke his hair and sit in silence, appreciating the quiet mumble of the television and the sound of each other breathing

always falls asleep like this, and he’s never been much of a nap guy, but ever since he met you, he’s reformed

not to mention your skin is always so warm and soft, and his is always on the colder side, so he’s just drawn to you

also i see him as the kind of guy who proposes out of nowhere, like you aren’t expecting it at all after a quiet dinner together at home, you’re getting up to grab dessert and he pulls out a ring

“how about dessert and naps for as long as we both shall live?”

𝐩𝐨𝐫𝐜𝐨 𝐠𝐚𝐥𝐥𝐢𝐚𝐫𝐝

once again, pock tries to put on a tough facade but we all know he’s just a softie on the inside

in fact, it’s a little while into your relationship that you notice him softening up with you, trying less hard to seem like someone else and getting more comfortable around you

you definitely don’t mention it, because you don’t want him to realize how you’ve been noticing it lately, but it definitely makes your chest feel warm and fuzzy at the thought of him being more himself

it’s not long at all before you can’t even see any semblance of that tough guy you met for the first time

the kind of whipped boyfriend that carries your bags when you go shopping, grabs your coffee order on the way to visit you, and likes to have quiet nights in more than going out

your favorite memories with him include watching rom-coms and munching on popcorn in his apartment, everyone else out and about on a saturday night

the leftover pizza is sitting on the counter, and you turn to go put it away when you notice pock teary-eyed at the movie!

yes, this boy cries at sappy romantic movies and you regret ever putting on the notebook that one night because you wanted to get laid after and that just did not happen because he was crying too much

but also just treats you so right and has every intention of being the best boyfriend he can, doesn’t ever want to do anything to hurt you and is highkey very glad he met you and has someone to be so open and comfortable with!

𝐛𝐞𝐫𝐭𝐡𝐨𝐥𝐝𝐭 𝐡𝐨𝐨𝐯𝐞𝐫

can you spell boyfriend material.

the most comforting, wholesome boyfriend in the world. you actually can’t believe he’s single when you guys meet for the first time, because there’s just no way.

this is the take him home to meet your parents guy, introduce him to your friends right away guy because you know it’s serious

i talked about how bertholdt is the bf who just listens to your talks and rambles for as long as you need to, and always offers advice and sweet words, but he really does take it to the next level

lets you cry it out when you need to, rubbing your back and hair softly and not minding when his shirt is covered in tears

or alternatively lets you rant about your annoying professor or a terribly rude stranger or whatever else is plaguing your mind today

texts you every day asking how you’re doing, always calls you before bed if you guys aren’t together

he just has the ability to make you feel so heard and seen

and of course you never forget to take care of him, as well. it makes for a really comfortable dynamic.

very easy to imagine spending the rest of your life with him despite the fact that he has kicked you off the bed multiple times in his sleep

𝐞𝐫𝐰𝐢𝐧 𝐬𝐦𝐢𝐭𝐡

alternatively, husband material

takes all of five minutes into having a conversation with him to realize this is a responsible, mature guy

which are usually far and few between

i’d like to think he’s similar to marco in the way that he likes to make sure things are taken care for you, he likes to get things off of your shoulders even though you feel like you should be doing it for him instead

this translates to a lot of checking in phone calls, making sure you’ve eaten dinner and haven’t skipped meals because of your busy schedule

always makes time for you and especially loves having date nights every saturday, it’s wonderful when you haven’t been able to see him all week

anyways, you get engaged and married so fast bc you just had to snatch him up

[whoneedssexed]

Hello, I just need som advice.

I've been with my bf for 6 yrs now and I've lately been getting irritated or just tired of dealing with him... such as him wanting to be at my home alot such as our routine is staying in and watch TV and eating and while this is nice, I have more of a wild side and want to go out and he gives me a bit of attitude and hesitancy but is willing at times. He asks me to do thing he doesn't do to me such as sweet talk ? And it bothers me bc I have asked him to do better with that as my love language is words of affirmation, he "tried" but hardly . And lately he will cancel plans or make a big deal out of small fights like we could be arguing and I tell him my perspective and he'll cancel plans which throws me off bc we don't really argue alot and usually still act mature to continue with your plans . Even with sex, its a constant effort to ask him, I understand not eveyone has the same sex drive but when I bring it up he just say I'm fine but I always do it for you and when I express that it doesn't really make me feel good bc it feel like im pressuring him that I need him to atleast try to initiate it he just doesn't and says he'll "try " which never happens. A week ago he was sick so I didnt see him for a whole week and that was probably the first time I didn't feel anxious or upset that I wasn't gonna see him, I felt really okay and I made plans with my friends and just did things on my own which wasn't as hard as it used to be. I took a yr to be truly alone as I was going thru some friendship problems, and I think now I'm really okay with being alone which is weird and I think its making me second guess my relationship bc I used to believe you have to be somewhat obsessed with your partner and obiv now I know thats not normal but I also feel like I lost this connection I have with my bf bc I get more irritated if we constantly have the same plans or routines. And I guess I'm just tired of asking for better ? I do love him and I know he's a really great guy, he's my best friend but now im not sure if this relationship is still giving me what I need. im not sure if I'm over reacting or reading to much into it..im happy that we can both be independent together but I also am feeling a off bc what if this means our relationship is fizzling out . Also how do you talk to someone who doesn't really know how to communicate their feelings or not take everything like an attack..pls if any advice about long term relationships and healthy attachment styles would be appreciated,

It sounds like you might be getting tired of each other, or even simply not a good fit. Both of these are normal and not everything always works out.

He doesn't want to go out any more, and "gives you attitude" if you insist on it. He has stopped reciprocating your love language. And he seems to find little reasons to cancel things and dwells on fights. This sounds like he's just as irritated as you are.

I do want to note a few things, though:

1) If you understand everyone has different sex drives, why ARE you pestering him about his?

If he's not interested and doesn't want to, then you need to drop it. If you can't handle that he "doesn't rise to the challenge", then that may be a sign you guys aren't a good fit - sometimes, majorly differing drives can't be overcome, and that's normal.

However, if he's saying he's okay with doing it if you want to, but isn't strongly for or against it, that's also just how some people are. Some people just don't initiate, too; a lot of people aren't "up for it" until someone else brings it up. It doesn't mean they feel pressured or hate it. Again, if that's not something you like, and he isn't budging in making a common ground in this point, then you guys might not work out.

2) It's very normal to work independently of each other. In fact, it's even healthier to do that. Hanging on each other can wear on the nerves a lot, which both of you might be feeling. That is, you're suffocating under each other, which makes you both snappy and irrational.

All that aside, if you're needing him to do things he just can't, or won't, do, it's… probably time to end it. Which I know is not what you want to hear. But, it's worth looking into whether it's a matter of you guys just needing more space and independence with each other so you're not smashed together all the time.

Regardless, here are some resources that you have asked for and those related:

21 Bits of Relationship Advice From People In Long-Lasting Relationships

12 Tips for Healthy, Long-Lasting Relationships

6 Tips for Maintaining a Healthy Long-Term Relationship

7 Secrets to a Healthy, Long-Lasting Relationship

7 Golden Rules of Long-Term Relationships, From Couples of Nearly Four Decades

25 Relationship Tips for a Long, Lasting Love

6 Tips to Keep Long-Term Relationships Exciting

20 Keys to a Successful Long Term Relationship?

Scarleteen also has a section for articles and advice about relationships, and Planned Parenthood also has a few answers on their relationships section.

How Attachment Styles Affect Adult Relationships

Secure attachment style in relationships explained

Secure Attachment - from Childhood to Adult Relationships

If You Want a Happy Relationship, These Are the Qualities to Look For

The Different Types of Attachment Styles

How to develop a secure attachment style so that you can have healthier, more loving relationships

What is Secure Attachment and How Does it Develop?

What Types of Attachment are Healthy and Unhealthy?

What is Secure Attachment?

Secure Attachment: What Does it Look and Feel Like in Relationships?

Attachment Styles & Their Role in Relationships

Creating a Secure Attachment With Your Partner

Which of These Four Attachment Styles is Yours?

How Adult Relationships Benefit from Secure Attachment

10 Signs of a Securely Attached Partner

-Mod BP

[kiefbowl]

ew why tf are you dating a scrote

okay this is clearly a troll, but I’ll answer anyway since this seems to be a topic of interest to people lately. I wrote a lot and talked about sexual assault, so go ahead and skip it if that’s not your jam. disclaimer: I don’t have a problem or think there’s anything wrong with people who don’t want to follow me bc of the bf. that’s legitimate! please do what suits you. I think some of my responses have been perceived as snarky in the past but I only try to be snarky when I suspect a troll, I really don’t have a problem with people unfollowing me b/c of the bf or even telling me about it.

I worked with Malcolm for about a year and a half before we go together, but we got together for the first time 5 months after I had a brief but intense love affair with a meth addict that ended in big traumatic ways after he started using heavily again, which eventually cultivated in him raping me (not that it was the only sexual violence I experienced with him but that time was particularly horrific because I was heartbroken and he was high on meth). he was also a man, and the reason I started dating him isn’t so clear to me except that I was looking for a way to live recklessly and self harm. There’s a longer story there but the details can’t be told concisely and it’s no one’s business. In any case, everything that happened with him is not worth recounting, but it was long and complicated and continued even after the rape. To give some context about how bad it was, I also had worked with the meth addict (I’m not using his name on purpose), and part way through our relationship he got a new job. a couple weeks after the rape, he lost that job and got his old job back. yeah, imagine being dumped by a meth addict and the being raped by him and then he starts working with you when you know he is using now. not fun, pretty sad to think about.

I was in a very traumatized state for months. It’s hard to describe what it’s like, except you don’t feel like you’re living. You can feel very foreign to your own life. I felt like something inside of me was constantly pressing against me to get out, and if it did it would be me screaming. Like, my skin had become a suit to mask the babbling lunatic underneath. I would have random outbursts where I would wince in pain and people would ask what was up and it was just that the emotional pain was felt so sharply it became physical, but I felt like I couldn’t be honest with people. I did go to therapy, it felt like life and death. right around the time before Malcolm and I together, so a few months into therapy, my therapist gave me permission to feel okay seeking out love, sex, and relationships, because I was feeling very guilty that I might be using someone if I did. In any case, Malcolm showed up to my bday party, and was one of the last to leave, and I just was ready for the next thing after the meth addict bf. Every day I didn’t have sex, the last person I had sex with was him. I wanted to be normal again. I was feeling a little better, less freakish, but still so sad. So I said, okay Malcolm, come home with me and he did. It didn’t seem so bad to take Malcolm home with me because I wasn’t very interested in him long term, so it seemed like low stakes to end up hurting him. Low investment. Yadda yadda.

Malcolm was also convenient, he lived walking distance. he was nice, friendly, easy to hang out with. our emotional intimacy was very low, it was low low low low maintenance dating. Malcolm felt very safe, he was the polar opposite of the other bf. we had a casual, boring, unintimidating fling for a few months that sputtered out. if the other bf was like riding a roller coaster that was condemned, Malcolm was like taking a nap on the bus back home after a long exhausting day at the amusement park. I know, it’s not very sexy. But it was nice to feel like a human again, have proof I could be normal, proof I could do unsexy things like watch tv and go to brunch and it didn’t feel like I was a freak for trying after months of feeling like I had a neon sign over my head that said “idiot adult woman dated meth addict like it wasn’t going to end up fucking her over HA HA.” I was ready to go out with my new sense of normalcy and have fun with people I might be, er, to be blunt, more interested in.

BUT the most amazing thing was we stayed friends after the break up, which I had never had before. and even though the first few months of dating helped me feel normal again in a way, it turns out being raped by your meth addict ex leaves deep, painful welts. who could guess. Seeking out other relationships from scratch ended up being exhausting. When do I bring up that I’m not even a year from a meth addict raping me? Date two? I tried with other people, and it wasn’t working. I dropped dating, and focused on friends and work instead. But I missed him some days, and as things around me were starting to feel like they were crumbling again, he was there and around. He came over, smoked weed, taught me MTG, let me make him dinner, took me out to bars, listened to me cry, had gentle sex. Soon we were seeing and talking to each other every day. We spent enough time together that it became clear we were dating again, and this time around it was more enjoyable and more intimate. It felt easier to invest in our relationship the second time around because he already knew the baggage. We started dating and eventually, out of the sake of convenience, moved in together. 

But if it makes you feel any better, anon who is probably not reading this, the state of my relationship is not great atm. It feels like we’re very good friends that share a bed. I always had doubts about this relationship from the beginning, I was never really crazy about Malcolm and was tentative about being exclusive. I rationalized the relationship with thoughts like “you don’t know until you try” and “maybe this love is different love, and it doesn’t feel like previous love because I still need to learn more about love.” I don’t think that’s quite it anymore. But, we live together in an unpredicted pandemic, so I sort of made my bed. Plus, it’s hard to decide to break up with someone who isn’t bad just maybe not good enough. Maybe it’s my fault? some days I wake up and think, “oh well am I really giving him 100%? if I tried harder maybe it would be better.” Maybe it’ll get better? What’s life post pandemic and when is it coming, I can’t know. I’ve been depressed, will I get better? Will it change things? I also adore his parents, they’ve been amazing to me, they inspire me. they’ve opened their hearts to me. losing them weighs heavy. I love Malcom very much, he’s been a good friend and we’ve built a nice little life together that has a lot of parts working. How do you decide what day to hurt someone you love? Idk...I guess I entered this relationship to learn.

The Meth Addict has loomed large in our relationship and casts a long shadow. I’ve talked about it with Malcolm but I’m not sure he fully understands it. almost 3 years since my birthday we hooked up. That’s a long time. It’s as long as the relationship I had with my first love. I can’t predict the full story Malcolm and I will have, but I can see a potential break up looming closer. I struggle with it every day. Some nights, like tonight, it’s seems pretty clear cut. If I think this way now it pretty much proves I want to break up, right? But tomorrow morning he’ll make me tea and we’ll talk about our weekend plans and I’ll think “oh this is so nice, what was I even thinking about last night? I’m getting in my own head.” So I don’t know! I think about women a lot. I think about how I talk frankly about my bisexuality on tumblr and yet my experiences with men outnumber that with women. I feel like I’m cheating sometimes, like I’ve lead you guys to believe something that’s not real even though I’m not lying. I think about how I never want to cheat on Malcolm but I get crushes and I want to sleep with women and I wonder if I should be a mom and I think about his parents and it gets confusing. I feel guilty about thinking about our convenience because that’s cheating him and cheating me, but sometimes I wake up happy and much happier than I’ve been in 10 years.

So I guess the reason I’m dating a scrote is because I’m complicated and have a bit of a messy life, and I live day to day, and we make micro choices that lead to macro choices and then we make macro choices that lead to micro choices, and I haven’t pulled the trigger on breaking up with him yet. He was part of the healing journey because, well, he was here. In my real life. It turns out the women we follow on tumblr are very very human with lives far more complex that can be summed up in a few posts on tumblr. Maybe ask me in 50 years why I dated Malcolm, I’ll probably have a better idea why. 

[elizabethshaw]

I finally finished listening to Gallifrey for the first time today (and I've loved it so much, I wasn't expecting it to be quite this good but it was AMAZING), so here's some incoherent thoughts in no particular order:

Starting off on a happy note before I get going - Gallifrey is just? So good?? I'd heard a lot of good stuff about it long before I'd even started listening to Big Finish generally, but it really blew me away with how brilliant it is!

I really love how well-defined the characters and their relationships are, and how they all grow over the course of the series. The developments all felt really natural and in response to what each character went through, and very believable in general

I wasn't prepared for how much I was going to love the main four characters either (I only really knew Leela and Romana from watching Classic Who, knew nothing about Brax other than "the Doctor's brother" and "causes problems", and almost nothing at all about Narvin), but I have to say I'm really attached to them all now :)

Leela and her whole arc throughout the series is just amazing. I'd already liked what I'd seen of her in Classic Who (even if I do have... issues with the basic concept of her character and the stereotypes it's based off), but imo she gets taken to another level in Gallifrey altogether. I just love her whole story about grief and healing and learning to find a place for yourself in somewhere you don't seem to fit... and Louise Jameson's acting is fantastic

Romana's arc and growth is also wonderful. Like she comes so far!!! She goes from being unable to admit even that she has friends and just cares about people, to saying that she loves Leela and Narvin in Unity and it really gets me :')

I'd heard a bit about Narvin and his character development beforehand, but it really impressed me how well done it all was? I'm gonna admit that when I was listening to s1/2, I didn't like him much at all, but the growth and changes he goes through as a character are incredibly well written and I have a lot of love for him as a character now

Brax is great. I wasn't sure exactly what to expect from him, but he's actually so much fun as a character! (Even if some of his decisions are... interesting, let's just say) I like the unique dynamic he has with the other main characters, and think he also provides a v interesting contrast to them as someone who's a bit more morally grey? But yeah. He's very cool I like him a lot

Leela and Romana's relationship in particular is my absolute favourite in the series, and just. I love them. They both care about each other so much and AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

I have thought about "There will be a place for you with me. For always. Whatever face I wear." every single day since I first listened to Spirit in November someone help me

I think overall (although I've enjoyed all of them) series 2 is probably my favourite? It's just so incredibly chaotic and the plot and character work tie together so well

In terms of favourite episodes, there's a lot tbh, but Spirit, Imperiatrix, Renaissance, Lies, Soldier Obscura, Mindbomb and Disassembled are all up there (you can see my s2 bias shining through there oops)

Idk if this is a controversial opinion (I've only really lurked around the edges of the fandom so I'm not 100% sure what the general consensus is) but for the most part I generally enjoyed the Time War series?

Like, I think overall the earlier series appealed to me more, but I did still get a lot of enjoyment out of the time war stuff and thought there were some really good stories in there (Soldier Obscura, The Devil You Know and Unity in particular were absolutely brilliant)

I guess my one main issue with that part of the show is probably (and this is something I've seen a couple of other people bring up) that the characters were all so far apart for most of it? Like I understand that the writers were wanting to try something new and were wanting to avoid retreading the same beats as before, but imo the crux of the show's drama is the relationships between Leela, Romana, Narvin and Brax, and the fact that they weren't together for most of the episodes after TW1 meant the emotional resonance wasn't quite the same - the plots were still v good and I enjoyed that aspect, but I did miss them interacting more regularly yknow :/

I think this also ties into my problems with the finale (although apparently bf have confirmed they're making more? so idk if it's really the end), because the story itself was pretty good, but the lack of any real emotion in the few interactions we got between Leela, Romana and Narvin hindered it from having as much impact as it could have, and some of the writing for them in general just felt very off (esp. in regard to Romana). I'm also just. Not hugely convinced by Matt Fitton's ability to write finales from my own listening experience and I think that feeds into it too but yeah

A similar issue that frustrated me a bit tbh was how consistently Brax was left out of the series altogether for most of the time post-s4? I'm not an expert on his character (Gallifrey!Brax is the only one I'm familiar with), but I liked him a lot and having him as part of the main cast of characters was really fun, so it was a bit disappointing that he didn't make as many appearances, especially as I would've loved to see his relationships with the group develop as much as the ones between Leela, Romana and Narvin did

On a completely unrelated note, as someone who's hyperfixated on the War Doctor audios a Lot™, I loved spotting all the little references and nods to those in the TW series. It just made me really happy and the sense of continuity was cool

I got very excited every time they mentioned Ollistra ngl. She may be Awful but I love her

The parallels in Gallifrey are also so good?!?!?? There's so many that I just go completely insane over

The parallel between Romana's promise that Leela will always have a place with her in "Spirit" and Leela telling Romana she'll never be alone because Leela is coming with her in "Renaissance" particularly is just. Yeah. I think about it a lot ngl

Also love the K9s. The bickering between them in the early series is incredible and I wish they'd kept that going longer

Darkel is just the Worst. Honestly think she's one of the most effective villains I've ever come across bc I don't think I've felt that much unbridled rage at a fictional character before. It certainly made watching Trial of a Time Lord for the first time the other week an Interesting Experience

The fact that seemingly all the main four basically adopt Ace as their child is incredibly funny to me ngl

And going on from that, what I'd love to see (and what I know Big Finish will never make :/) is a series set between Enemy Lines and TW1 that's just the gang + Ace messing around and having fun yknow? I want to see them all being happy and making chaos at the CIA

I also find it really funny that at the start of the show, all the characters would go on about how the CIA are Suspicious and Not To Be Trusted, and how the whole organisation is kind of antagonistic at that point, but then by TW1 every single main protagonist is involved with the CIA in some capacity, like. Way to go guys

I hadn't actually listened to The Apocalypse Element, Neverland, and Zagreus when I originally started listening, and it didn't stop me enjoying anything at the time but I have to say certain stories (especially Extermination) make a lot more sense with that context; it should be interesting relistening to the earlier stuff now I have that context tbh

And. Yeah. I am already wanting to relisten again even though there's a lot of free stuff from the BF website on my account which I haven't touched yet oops

Anyway long story short, Gallifrey is genuinely brilliant and I'm so glad I've listened to it

[makiswirl]

Do you have any tips for improving writing? Like how to use descriptors and use more detail and how to beat write dialogue and basically sentence tags

as a warning anon: i'm gonna tell you that i bullshit most of my writing and i entirely forgot what action beat dialogue and sentence tags were until i looked them up so take my advice with grains of salt

this is gonna be more of an insight on how i write things really? you can probably ask my bf (@arkangeles) more on it given he's an english nerd with vague college experience

when it comes to improving writing: for me it was because i wrote continuously and looked to other sources!

when i looked at other sources i could pick out and see what i liked from other authors. like i said in the author inspo post earlier, the shining by stephen king was REALLY important to making me improve writing-wise. i saw a lot of things i wanted to be in my writing and i carefully implemented them into my own style for me to be more confident with it!

and when it came to me writing continuously, i wrote little portions of things each day? of course most people don't HAVE to do this, but i've been writing almost daily/weekly for five straight years and it takes a WHILE to become comfortable with your writing style. so don't feel discouraged if you don't like where you're at now! it takes a bit to get better and adjust to things honestly

for one: you have to make sure you don't discourage your writing. it's best to point out things that you like about your writing specifically and praise yourself on those things, but take a critical eye to what you don't like and phase them out little by little. you'll find yourself being more happy with your writing, like others are! (most people are okay with most types of writing fic-wise so don't stress on your audience possibly disliking what you've written too hard)

you also have to kind of take the jump into writing longer and descriptive things. i know that when i first started writing holle i had virtually NO fic-writing experience (though i did have a lot of back and forth writing exp) and that's why it got better and better as time went on? overall writing is a LONG effort as holle took six months and i only began to really like it near the end chapters

when you think about writing descriptors, visualize what your setting is in your head and visualize how your character is feeling, basically! think of any phrase or term that could exaggerate that, and see if it flows smoothly! (e.g: The specks of dust in the air flickered about like flies. Person A wrinkled their nose irritably.)

AND FOR BEAT-WRITING DIALOGUE. again, i only started doing that recently? of course i did it subconsciously beforehand, but it was a lot less strong until i actually had the urge to make things strong and punch-y in my writing!!! keep these things in mind:

1. is it a tense moment?

2. is there a big discovery being made?

3. is this foreshadowing?

4. are we escalating?

5. are we trying to catch the reader off guard?

most of these things are what i keep in mind when i use things to cut into a thick mood like a knife to butter, e.g. this bit in holes

and i'm assuming when you want to use beat-writing dialogue, you want to make it something strong and dramatic. im also assuming that you aren't talking about actual dialogue between characters that goes

"How are you today?" Person A said.

"Good, you?"

which is something i don't really have much to say on, as i mostly impulse write when it comes to dialogue and all i can say is to analyze the characters you're writing from their CANON standpoint (specifically their speech tendencies and why they may act certain ways)

so when it comes to actual beat-writing dialogue like in the holes excerpt, that's mostly me putting it in a place i feel is important or right. does it add to the scene? will it unsettle people? maybe! so i put it in there, to break the mood and shift into something else entirely.

use these when you want to explore a character's thoughts, mainly, or jostle the story! these kinds of things work very well in drama/horror settings if you do it right

and sentence tags.

i'm guessing you mean the kind of sentences that aren't really questions, but more so rhetorical statements? which.. i just kind of did there, and shouldn't have done?

in papers, i probably SHOULDN'T do that, as it's informal english, but it comes across EXTREMELY well in dialogue/narrator heavy areas. they're very common in day-to-day english! they're usually used as to check that the listener (person a) agrees with what person b has observed or said (person b)

i don't have much to say on the matter as i don't particularly think about sentence tags when i write; most of my writing has been taken straight from what i've seen and now use without learning formal terms. but as an example, something akin to a sentence tag would be "wow, he sure does like dogs doesn't he?" when a character is petting a dog! just think rhetorics or plain knowledge being spoken or addressed to another person!

that's really all the writing tips i have on the matter! sorry that this isn't too cohesive or helpful, i'm not that good at these kinds of things? again i lean more on writing informally and through impulse and rely on that to get the point across, but !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

td;lr: writing consistently and observing how other people describe/noticing what you like about their writing usually helps strengthen your descriptions, sentence tags are basically knockoff rhetoric questions, and beat dialogue is basically the dramatic equivalent of a visual thought bubble

[marumafan]

You said misepan 2 is one of ur favorite yuuram short stories, can u give an analysis of it please!

Hello anon!

Ok! But I would really recommend reading it.  I have said this many times, there's something about Takabayashi-sensei style, the way she writes her stories, that I really, really like.

Misepan 2

Title: Misepan, means "Showing panties". So the first part (written 2 years prior and almost completely disconnected of part 2), was about a bet Murata thought for Yuuri. Yuuri said he was unpopular and Murata said he wasn't and bet Yuuri he could get someone to "show him their panties."

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Summary of part 1: In part 1, some chick was looking for a ring her bf gave her in the river and Yuuri helped her. That and the bet is the entire story.

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Intro: Misepan 2 starts in Shin Makoku. The topic of 'lost item' continues. This time it's Yuuri who has lost something very important. A hand made necklace that Greta gave him.

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The first part shows Yuuri and Wolfram around the castle. Yuuri tells Wolf he's looking for the necklace because he lost it. They meet Cherie-sama, who is wearing a maid suit and bunny ears and tells Yuuri that she wants Wolf to wear the same to attract customers for her new shop (a bar to find love).

Wolfram says he will refuse because of the bunny ears, because Yuuri hates rabbits (the mascot of Seibu Lions opposite team is an orange rabbit). Cherie mentions Wolfram used to love rabbits as a kid, because cats grabbed the attention of Gwen, and that they need Wolfram's help to cure Yuuri's rabbit-hate. (Yuuri is thinking he doesn't hate rabbits just that mascot from that team).

Yuuri calls Wolfram 'Honey-chan', and Wolfram gets angry and tells him that because he's younger he doesn't have a right to call him that. (Yuuri monologues that 'it hurt him to have Wolf remind him he is younger’)

When Yuuri mentions the lost item made by Greta, Cherie-sama remembers the 'pig soap' that Wolfram made for her. To which Wolfram mentions that it wasn't a pig, it was, of course, Cherie-sama herself. XD Cherie sama goes speechless due to the shock and Yuuri pulls Wolfram by the hand, and trots away from that place; so that he wouldn't see them fight.

Wolfram and Yuuri are alone again, and when Yuuri reveals he needs the necklace because he's going with Greta to the zoo the next day, Wolfram starts unbuttoning his shirt.

Yuuri panics saying he shouldn't be exposing his skin , people could see him ! What if some younger girl saw his bare exposed chest!  Yuuri is making a huge scene as if Wolfram were undressing. He seems jealous that someone might steal a glimpse of his beautiful chest.

At any rate, Wolfram shows him a necklace, just like Yuuri's. So it turns out that Greta made the same necklace for all 3 people in the family, Wolf, Yuuri and herself. Yuuri also notices that the stone used in all 3 are the color of Wolfram's eyes.

Wolfram says he will lend it to Yuuri for the zoo trip.

---------------------------------------------------

Important scene:

Yuuri holds Wolfram's necklace still around Wolf's neck with both hands, and then pushes it against Wolfram's chest.

And says he can't accept borrowing it.

Wolfram asks why, wouldn't you do the same for me, if I needed something and you had it.

Yuuri says: "Of course I would."

At this moment, Yuuri has both his hands on Wolfram's bare chest. He goes into a monologue about how anyone would get 'blood rushing' to their brain, if they had both hands on their partner's bare chest, feeling how their heartbeat is the same as their own, and were thinking about something serious. He's overwhelmed and needs to take a moment.

Then he says:" when it comes to things that I can give you, I would give you anything, Wolf. But this is different. Because it's a handmade item. I'm sure that the shape of the stone is slightly different."

--------------------------------------------------- Important scene analysis: This scene is huge. Let’s analyze:

Yuuri: 1) Has both hands on Wolfram's bare chest 2) Gets blood rushing to his brain (to be taken literal and/or a symbolism for arousal) 3) feels Wolfram's heartbeat beating at the same rhythm as his own (symbolism for being in sync, one person, in love) 4) is thinking about everything he would "do" 5) says he's thinking about "something serious"

He's overwhelmed. Can't function. He takes a while to calm down and when he does, he tells Wolfram that "When it comes to things he can 'give him' he would give him anything."

Do you remember the 5 last points? Touching Wolf, aroused, in love, thinking about Wolf, and a "serious matter".

The undertone here is that 'anything' is referring to his virginity.

There was a time in novel 2, when he thought he was going to 'lose " his virginity to Wolf. But here, he's very clear when he says, he would 'give' it to him. It's those little things in the stories that brings back a memory of past things that happened and wraps them up with a little bow.

It's such a good scene. And although it has this sexual undertone, I like to see it more for the theme of 'sacrifice'.

He loves Wolf so much there is nothing he wouldn't give to Wolf. His virginity is cool, but what about his life? Is he thinking about that? If he's thinking about everything he would give to him, and this overwhelmed him. Is he thinking about that too?

I mean, who hasn't thought of that? What would you do for a loved one? How far would you go? And here Yuuri says it clearly to Wolfram, he would give him anything.

-----------------

Second part Gwendal is trying to find Yuuri because he found out about the lost item and thinks it can cause an international problem. The rumors have exaggerated what happened. Conrad also shows up, and Wolfram tells Yuuri to escape. Conrad follows him and Wolf stays there to stop Gwendal.

Yuuri sees Wolf as the bravest man alive, then this scene happens:

---------------------- Interesting scene: Wolfram: "Don't worry! It is a husband's job to rub their henachoko wife's ass!"

Yuuri: "Wait isn't it, maybe, "It is a wife's job to wipe her husband's ass" ? Yeah, maybe. No, I mean, I'm sure."

Conrad: "Eh? You're letting him call you henachoko? How generous. Well, then let us rely on Lord von Bielefeld's words"

------------------------ Analysis of this scene: Preamble: Before we get into it-> Because Japan has like a 4000 year old culture, and the 'couples' terms are always 'female' and 'male', we see a lot of 'wife' and 'husband' even between two males. Some may read into it (the top/bottom stereotype from the 90s), and I will analyze it too, but there's also a lot about 'kanjis' having certain associations that don't really fit the gender of same sex partners.

Analysis:

1) Wolfram makes a joke about rubbing Yuuri's ass (and asserts he's the husband and it's his duty)

2) Yuuri says the proverb is incorrect and "Isn't it "it's the wife's duty to wipes her husband ass?" But then he says maybe I don't know, I'm not sure.

3) Conrad is only surprised at the lack of complain of "henachoko", and not all the other married couple/sexual innuendos they've been throwing at each other.

This is the Conrad I love. He's so supportive of Yuuri and Wolf. He could have said something like "Wait, how long have you been married?" and make them both self conscious, but he didn't.  Conrad is great, and I love him and he deserves all the best. I'm a yuuram fan, but I love Conrad. He's an awesome character and a sweety. He's been through so much and I feel sorry for everything he's been put through, simply because the fans forced Takabayashi sensei to bring him back from the dead. (Additional info: Conrad was supposed to die in novel 5 and Takabayashi sensei spent many years trying to kill him after that, but the 'Conrad' fans didn't let her. This has lead to Conrad just 'floating around' in the novels... she was so angry she even made him the enemy for a while)

About the proverb: I couldn't find the actual proverb Wolf and Yuuri are talking about. The internet says two things: 1) it's a wife's duty to cut her husband's ear hair, and 2) it's a wife's duty to take care of her husband's arousal. Now I have no clue whether either of them are old sayings ... I simply couldn't find it.

But here's my interpretation. 1) Wolf says it's his duty to protect Yuuri as the husband 2) Yuuri says isn't that the wife's role? and in the end he's confused about the proverb. I think Takabayashi-sensei is 1, throwing sexual innuendos as usual here, and 2 is bringing ambiguity to the whole top/bottom stereotype. "Is he the top? Am I? I don't know", is what Yuuri says about this.

I think, as mentioned before, sensei addresses the top/bottom topic (because it's actually very uncommon not to bring it up), and says : yeah whatever, who cares.

----------------------------------------

Third part : Yuuri has a scene with Conrad, where he realizes that his necklace was shorter than Wolf’s so that both, the blue maseki and the emerald necklace Greta made, won’t become entangled. Yuuri is moved thinking that Greta even thought about that.

They find the necklace Yuuri lost, and this part ends with:

"Things will always return to the place they should be."

This makes me happy. It makes me think that Yuuri will always be back to Shin Makoku no matter what. I hope that Takabayashi-sensei sticks to her words.

And there’s another clear meaning: Conrad (blue maseki) and Wolf (the emerald necklace) will not entangle and cause problems. Conrad will continue to be the friend, and Wolf will continue to be the spouse, and the ‘necklaces’ won’t disturb one another. Another very important symbolism. Everyone has their place and role, and won’t mix, entangle or bother Yuuri. 

----------------------------------------

Last part:

The end of the story goes back to the main story in Misepan 1. So Yuuri is there with the chick looking for her bf’s ring. An old dude sees them, then the three find a bag full of gold in the river and they appear on TV.

In the end, Yuuri gets shown panties "mise pan" by the old dude. And the story wraps itself with a joke.

In the afterword Takabayashi sensei admits she didn't know how to end the story. This means, for what I can understand, that she just wanted to talk about the royal family necklace and Yuuri and Wolf, while finishing up a story he had to finish for the DVD set.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------

The main reasons why I love this story :

1) There’s a new canon yuuram trope:" the family necklace”. This necklace is the color of Wolfram’s eyes. Greta was the one to chose it, too. She could have chosen ‘black’, the royal color and the color of Yuuri’s hair and eyes (that everyone loves in Shin Makoku), but instead she chose the color of Wolf’s eyes. I feel this is a symbolism Takabayashi sensei threw in there to make sure everyone understands it’s not Yuuri and Greta anymore, Wolfram is 100% part of that family, and it’s his color that binds the family together.

2) Yuuri’s line: “When it comes to things that I can give you I would give you anything Wolf”. As analyzed before, this is the ultimate expression of love, and he has said it clearly to Wolfram out in the open.

3) Yuuri and Wolf as established as a couple as they can be, not only between themselves, but also by others. Out in the open they’re calling each other husband and wife (in front of Dacascos and Conrad), and no one even questions this. Meaning it’s been a long time since people have known them as such.

4) Yuuri calling Wolfram Honey-chan (and Wolfram getting angry due to cultural misunderstandings)

Anyway, it’s a really great story! Please read it!

[s-nh]

It’s been 2 days since I went to my friend from high schools wedding and my friend was marrying my ex boyfriend from high school, sister.

It was my first time seeing him since sometime in 2017 & I was so nervous knowing we would finally be seeing one another after so many years.

I was 17 when I met him. It was my first time experiencing butterflies in my stomach, experiencing excitement from being around someone, experiencing caring about someone, it was my first time experiencing love.

He was my first love. It’s almost 4am and I just got done talking to my sister about how I felt seeing him and I found myself talking about the first time I met him which was at the mall’s food court, second table against the glass railing. I told her how we talked for months before meeting, to then only dating for a short period of time, To then us going to the same high school together and me breaking my own heart chasing for his attention even tho he was already w someone else at the time.

I told my sister how he we sat next to eachother in English class and we’d flirt all the time, how there was this security guard at school & she would actually let us walk around campus in the middle of class for a few mins just to go kiss behind the building.

I made him this huge Valentine’s Day card and got him candy and put it on his desk before class started for him to walk into and be surprised.

I think for his birthday I even got him a tiny piñata and he attached it to his backpack walking around school with it.

He would call me almost every night and we’d fall asleep over the phone. But there would be days where I’d be so sad knowing we were playing “boyfriend and girlfriend” at school but he had an actual girlfriend of his own. During those phone calls I remember telling him I didn’t wanna do what we were doing anymore bc it was too painful and I needed to move on and accept that we weren’t gonna be anything.

He would tell me not to and that he loved me. “But if you love me you would have still been with me.” No response. Not a good one at least.

We graduated and I never saw him again and I got into a new relationship. A long 5/7 year relationship of toxicity. During that bad relationship I broke up w my at the time bf for a year and then Chris walks back into my life that year I break up w my boyfriend of 2017.

We hadn’t seen each other since high school and we spent a lot of nights just hanging out and talking for hours till I had to leave.

He was still with that girl and lived with her at her parents house but according to him, they have both mentally and physically checked out from the relationship and he was even sleeping on the couch now. From what it sounded, I guess she didn’t wanna kick him out because his relationship with his parents at that time wasn’t the best.

I even remember driving him to his parents house because his step dad wanted to talk to him and I waited for maybe an hour before he came back apologizing like crazy about making me wait. From his behavior after that talk I guessed that his family just finally wanted to be on good terms.

He confessed after some time that he still had feelings for me after one of our hang outs and I was trying so hard not to feel the same. I had fear. I didn’t want to be hurt by him again.

I tried dating someone else that 2017 and it ended up not working out. I told Chris about it and mentioned how I wasn’t feeling it with that guy and he took that as an opportunity to kiss me.

All I remember was fireworks. Remembering those flutters and beam of excitement like I did when I was 17 from kissing him.

One night we were hanging out and we ended up in the back of my car kissing and I saw how excited he was getting that I thought to myself, I always thought I would lose it to him but I didn’t. For some reason we’re finally here again with one another and I know we’ve both always wanted to be intimate with one another.

But when I was 17 I told myself that if I was gonna lose my v card, I wanted to be in love and I wanted the person to feel the same.

I still knew I loved him and he loved me. And although he basically played me all my half of junior year and all of my senior year, and I was a dumbass letting that happen, somewhere and some way we both knew we had love for one another.

We finally did it. And after that night I never saw him again. Why? It was the end of 2017 and my ex who I broke up with reached back out to me and asked to see me to catch up. Catching up led to another few years of unchanged behavior and continuous negativity until I broke it off for good February of 2020.

By the end of 2020 I noticed Chris creeping on my Instagram stories and decided to add him.

There we found ourselves messaging one another and just simply commenting on each others stories and him finally asking me what happened that night after we had sex.

How he ended up being blocked and couldn’t find me anywhere.

I explained that it was all due to ex boyfriends and drama and that I didn’t know it bothered him.

“I thought we were finally going to be something”

To my shock: “really? You would have wanted that?”

“Well I wasn’t trying to hit it and quit it.”

He told me thought he did something horrible that night for me to just completely ghost him for what became years but really it was my ex blocking him bc of the relationship that I was in again.

We talked about how we realize that there’s still gonna be love between us and care for one another.

We talked about what could have been.

He finally apologized for the first time for how he treated me and made me feel.

He said he would have wanted us to happen to this day.

Then I finally see him at the wedding.

We looked at each other Forsure when neither of us were looking.

I walked up to the bar for a drink and as I waited in line I hear,

“Hi Natalie.”

My already semi drunk self looks at him carrying his now one year old daughter in his arms.

He was now in another relationship. He was now a father.

“Hi Chris.”

He looks at me and then at his daughter “can you say hi?”

His daughter was beautiful. An equal mixture of Chris and his new girlfriend. She definitely has his eyes and nose.

I told him how beautiful she was and the conversation didn’t last long at all. I’d say a solid minute till he had to leave back to his table where his girlfriend was at.

I ended up having to leave so my sister and I congratulated and thanked my friend for inviting us. We said goodbye to the groom, and I said goodbye to Chris’s little brother and his girlfriend and didn’t see Chris around to personally say goodbye but I at least sent a message saying goodbye.

It felt normal but a bit nerve wracking seeing him again but felt over all happy to get the chance that we both finally did once again.

We weren’t meant to be but I know in some way we’ll always be connected. Forever love you Chris.

[entriesfromangels]

Journal Entry (#20) ~

One of the ways my therapist said to let my feelings out was to write letters. Doesn’t mean I have to send them to these people but rather talk to them in a way that gets my thoughts out. I did this with my ex-best friend and my ex-fiancé. I didn’t send them. I didn’t tell them I wrote one. I just wrote it and you know it did help. It helped me close the book on the relationship and move forward.

Now this one is a little different for me. This one is going to be for my ex-bf. Honestly doesn’t feel like he is my ex... guess I’m kinda denying it? But after everything, he still wants me to go back to WA and still wants to keep me around. I truly don’t know if it’s to work on our relationship or stay friends but I just have to write this. I gotta let this out so I can either move forward or continue to fight for it. I feel there is still hope so... I really want to get this out there.

———————————————————————-

Dear R,

The moment I met you and we started talking... I knew you were someone special. I felt this instant connection with you that I never really had for anyone else. Sure in the past I’ve met people and potential partners and felt that closeness but with you it was different.

We became so close so fast and really made me see relationships and love in a different light. I saw that there are second chances at love and just because it didn’t work out with others in the past, no matter how serious or committed it was, doesn’t mean it’s not out there. Those days we spent together before I moved back to TX were really special. I wasn’t alone in this fast, genuine connection... you said you felt it too.

When we first kissed, it felt like I’ve kissed those lips before. It was a connection, a warm feeling of genuine romance that I never really experienced. I was engaged to someone (twice) and never felt that. I was with him for almost 5 years and never felt that. You told me too that with your last serious relationship, it being your ex-wife, that it took a few years to even feel that comfort or closeness; we only knew each other a few days and already felt it. To me that meant something and I know it did to you too.

I didn’t know you had previous relationships before me that were really ways to try to fill the void that your ex left. I know your reason for wanting that closeness again was only from a genuine place. I don’t know if you expected us to move as fast as we did but in a way I’m glad it did.

The decision to move up there was mine and the decision to live together was yours. As I was home in TX, my love and affection for you only grew. Every time I saw you on video chat and heard your voice when you called me, it just made the butterflies in my tummy go crazy.

But despite all these good feelings... I could tell you were still struggling with the loss of your divorce. I don’t think you missed her as an individual because she really hurt you. She cheated on you and took you for everything you had. That on its own is toxic and manipulative and I’m sure you didn’t want to go back to that.

I think what you missed was the closeness, being connected to someone in that way, having someone to call yours. Just to be in a relationship again. I wasn’t prepared to meet you. I got over my ex fast because at the end, I saw how manipulative and toxic he was; maybe our exes should meet since they have the same mindset.

I do think you wanted to build a life with me, join a partnership with me and grow our relationship. I do believe you when you said you fell for me and I do stand by what I told you when I said I was falling in love with you. Maybe it’s too fast, maybe I’m getting ahead of myself and that scared you but I do mean what I say.

I know getting over a relationship that you built and have it crumble is never easy. When you told me how you proposed to her, it made me cry because she didn’t deserve all the pure love and affection you gave her. She deserves to go about her day thinking, “fuck. I let a good one go. Maybe I shouldn’t have cheated.” But people like that never get to that point. All they think about is themselves and don’t realize how good they have it. I know having something that you poured your whole heart and soul into and having it disappear in front of you, isn’t easy. But with this time we have and the effort you are putting into dealing with it, I know you can do it.

In terms of us:

I know my disorder isn’t easy to deal with and as I’ve been home in Texas, I’ve realized so many negative patterns I’ve been doing; not only with you but with my past relationships. For that I am sorry. I wasn’t aware. I wasn’t noticing what I was doing and it hurts me to know that I put you through all those moments I had and for having you worry. I know you only worry because you care and I’m sorry you had to go through that. You deserve so much more and for that I am truly sorry.

This disorder is SO new to me and as the days go by in slow af Texas, I’m learning more about it. I’m doing the work, reading in depth about it, realizing the things I’ve been doing wrong for so long (not just with our relationship) and watching videos about it that make me cry because I know it’s what I’m doing. In those moments of me crying, being impulsive, wanting to harm myself, I didn’t take a step back to really think about how it was affecting you. I just did it because that was what my brain was used to doing. It was programmed to continue to these negative patterns because that’s just how it had been for so long. I know time and time again I said, “sorry. I’ll do better.” Or “it’s my bpd flaring up.” And I’m just realizing that even saying those things are extremely harmful because it feeds the bpd monster in my brain... it doesn’t help.

But now I’m realizing it, I know what I have to do to move forward; not only in my life but with my relationships. I’m learning to take a deep breath, slow down and think about how it makes me feel, then move forward and don’t EVER bring it up again. It already happened and that’s that. No matter how small or big it is, I now know how to handle these situations when they come up. The breaks in my mind are oiled up and ready to work again. For the first time in my life I actually feel like I can get over this bpd. I will always have to deal with my mental health, like taking meds everyday, but bpd is something you can get over and I finally feel like I can do it. The more I learn about my disorder and the more I learn these different techniques, why these negative patterns were bad and taking the steps to make sure my brain double checks itself, the more I feel like I can conquer it. I discovered this over the time I’ve been home and it honestly makes me cry because I didn’t think I’d ever get here. I thought I was stuck with it and that’s it. My ex’s family definitely made it feel that way but for once I believe in myself and no one can tell me otherwise.

The purpose of writing this is to say that I still want to try.

I still want to continue to build this life with you. I don’t care if we have to start from chapter one, which is what Dr. Daniel Fox calls it (he’s the author of my bpd workbook), I don’t care if we have to slow it down so you can catch up, I don’t care. All I know is that this connection that we just scratched the surface of is something I want to continue to explore. I do care for you, I do like you a whole lot and I am starting to have love for you. I know us coming to this decision to break it off wasn’t an easy one. When you said you still want me to come home, that you still want me in your life and don’t want to loose me and consider me a best friend... I know you meant every word.

Maybe I’m hoping for something that might not happen right away. Maybe I’m holding on to something that has already ran it’s course... I don’t know. But when I told you I was falling in love with you... the tone in your voice to me sounded like someone who didn’t want to let go so easily. Maybe breaking up was good for us for right now. I know you are in a spot where you don’t know what you want. I know dealing with your last relationship impacted you a lot. I know you aren’t wanting her back or still have unresolved feelings for her. You just didn’t take the proper time to HEAL.

When you told me you needed extra time to speak with a therapist, figure out what you were feeling and actually deal with something so traumatic ON YOUR OWN TERMS is something to be proud of. I’m really happy that you are taking this time to do this for yourself. I’m glad you are realizing that you need help and I guess in a bittersweet way... our growing relationship helped you see that.

I do support you and whatever you decide to do but I just want you to know that I don’t want to give up. I will see you again on April 19 and I hope by then we can figure it out together. That either be us moving on or working on our relationship. I’m in therapy again, I’m taking my meds regularly, I’m putting in the work on my disorder, I’m making goals that I want to accomplish and setting my priorities... and all it took was a few weeks to actually take the time to work on myself. Not only for me but for our relationship. I do want to work on this. I do want to show you all the progress I’ve made and show you how happy I’ve been lately. I want to grow this relationship, I want to build a future with you, I want all of that... and I know you do too. If we have to start over, take it slow, regularly take time to better ourselves and be there for each other... I’m down for it.

Is it crazy? Is it even worth it? I believe it is because you captured my heart and I know we can build something beautiful together. We had fun times together and I want to continue to have that with you. I also want you to take your time. Don’t feel pressure to move this relationship fast, if slow is what you want then we can do that. I want you to be as comfortable as you can and always know I’ll be here to help you whenever needed. I think our relationship is worth it. I think the care and closeness we have is worth it. I want to fight for this because i know it’s something that doesn’t happen everyday.

But until I see you again, I want you to take the time you need to work things out. To figure out what works for you and actually take the time to heal and realize that what happened to you IS NOT YOUR FAULT. You are deserving of love. You deserve the world. You are an amazing person with a pure and kind heart. If that’s with me or someone else... always know that I’ll always be on the sidelines cheering you on.

I just have to keep fighting for us because I know with the growth I’ve made and the growth you’re working on, I know we can have something amazing. Again... as slow as you need and at your own pace... we can fall for each other again like it was intended. I want this, I want to work and grow on this with you and even if it doesn’t happen..... I know I’ll be okay.

But I can’t give up just yet. I can’t close the chapter on you so soon. I still have fight left in me and I hope you do too. These next few weeks aren’t going to be easy. Self-reflection isn’t the most fun thing to do but once you start making strides and breakthroughs... it starts to all seem worth it again. I promise you will come out of this happier, better and more understanding, that you are not what happened to you. You are you and yes life comes with it’s daily struggles but it’s how we come out of it that matters. I’ll always be here for you and I just wanted to say all of this because I believe in our relationship and I want to show you the growth and self-reflection I have done and just grow into a better person. You did tell me you are noticing the growth and want me to continue, and I have been. It’s been good for me but now it’s your turn to do the same.

Whatever outcome comes of this... I know you’ll always be a special person in my life.

I just can’t give up just yet... my heart won’t let me and I want to fight for US.

Love,

C

[gjjokok]

01 - December 20, 2020

Recently I’ve just been feeling so weird about the relationship and kind of detached in a way? We’ve had some facetime calls recently where I feel like I’m just waiting for it to end so I can go back to doing literally nothing. Even when he looked excited to see me I just didn’t feel much. This hasn’t exactly been a long term thing, only the past month or so really. But it just feels kind of unfair to feel like this and act like everything is ok? Recently it’s felt more and more weird to tell him I love him and to call him ‘babe’ and stuff like that because it feels fake and like kind of mean?

Over the past 3 days of constantly thinking about this and nothing else, I think I’ve come to the conclusion that this just isn’t what I want. At least not at this point in my life. I have some sort of weird fascination with the first steps in a relationship where you barely know each other and you’re excited when you see you have a text from them and when you’re scared to hold their hand while watching a movie. And it’s been really like demoralizing recently to realize that, if I am with him for the rest of my life as I thought it would be and as we’ve discussed, I’ll never have that again. I think that I want what we have right now in 5-10 years, but not right now when I’m only 23 and I barely feel like I know who I am.

I haven’t really been single for more than a few months at a time in over 6 years so it feels like my personality has always been whatever I want it to be to fit into what my significant other wants. I mainly had this discovery when my roommate and I were talking about what our interests are...and I just have like no interests. I’ve gotten into reading recently which has been nice, and I like to workout (which can’t really happen due to COVID), and I like playing video games. But I just want to be able to discover what I like and what I’m interested in on my own. I really believe that everyone has things that they are interested in that makes everyone interesting, even if they themselves think they are boring, and I just feel like I haven’t found that and won’t be able to in this relationship. It makes me feel like an asshole saying this though because I know that our of anyone in the world he would encourage me to find new interests and would be excited when I tell him about something new I like. The problem in it is that I know that he would want to be included in it. Like when I started reading, he thought it was cool but was immediately like “Ooh we should choose a book and do a book club together!” and like that’s such a cute idea, but I just don’t want to do that. I just want to have interests that are mine. It’s not even unreasonable for him to want to be included in my interests, obviously. And I know that if I just told him like “Hey I actually just kind of want reading to be my thing I do by myself when I need alone time” he would be fully receptive to that. So then like what am I even worried about? Or what do I not like about the current situation? Maybe just the idea that it feels like there’s this person in my life that I have to just talk to about everything in my life and everything new in my life, since we are in a relationship, and have been in a relationship for years, and always discuss our future together with kids and pets and etc. On top of being a generally independent person, even when I’m in a relationship, I think I just really want to be alone in life at least for some time.

One thing that scares me most, though, is that I’ve had these exact thoughts in the past. When I broke up with him at the beginning of last summer when I was taking summer school, I felt like I just wanted to be alone for a while and I thought that our relationship was just boring. Actually, right after writing that I realized that I developed a crush for a new guy in my program before I had even broke up with my bf, so maybe I was just bored of my bf and not really wanting to be in a new relationship? Anyways, after I had been single for about 4 months, I went into this depression (not actually a depression because I dont have depression, but I literally couldnt listen to happy music and didnt smile for 2 weeks) because I missed him so much and felt like I made such a huge mistake. When he agreed we could talk and we got back together again, I felt so happy and I felt like I had wronged the biggest regret I had. But now, a little over a year after we got back together, I feel like I need out again. Maybe this is just a momentary feeling that I’m having and I need to just wait for it to go away? But at the same time, I think it’s a pretty bad sign that I’m having these feelings at all, and that I’m feeling them so much I have resorted to having to write them down.

I’ve had these thoughts in the past too, a couple months ago. We were having issues and miscommunications and we seemed mad at eachother and sad at the situation we were in. I even said to my friend before I had a discussion with him about it “I feel like I just don’t even care how we turn out. I think if we broke up this afternoon I wouldn’t feel anything at all except some relief.” Later that afternoon him and I spoke and I felt so much better and felt like i fell in love with him again, but now here we are, and I’m avoiding answering his texts because I feel guilty using emojis and telling him I love him when I’m feeling like this inside. Maybe these massive mood swings are a result of the fact that I dont know myself and don’t know what I want? I want my independence and see us arguing as a reason to break up with him, then we have a discussion and I get scared at the thought of losing him and feel crazy for ever wanting to break up with him.

In the end, I’m not sure what I want to do about this. I’m thinking that us taking a break for a week or so might be a good idea, and then at the end of the week I can evaluate if I missed his presence or if I was happy to be alone (not gonna lie, typing that out excited me - it made me kind of excited to think about a week where I don’t have to text him). But, its Christmas in 5 days and our anniversary is on January 4th, so there are multiple occasions in the near future that would kind of, idk, be very noticeable if we didnt talk to eachother. Again, I dont think I would be too disappointed if we didnt talk on Christmas or whatever, but I know he would. But, like I’ve said, just continuing as if everything’s normal feels very disingenuous and guilty. How am I going to be able to be with him on our anniversary and tell him I love him when I’m just thinking about us breaking up the whole time?

This was far more rambly than I meant it to be, but I think it’s very representative of the fact that I have no idea what I want or how I really feel. I can conclude, though, that writing this definitely didn’t lessen my feelings of wanting independence and to be alone.

[gg-astrology]

Can you tell us 10 things about you? and about ur friends irl? How u met them/ how long u know them/ what u like to do with them? This is gonna sound nosy but how's ur love life hdjsks LISTEN YOU'RE LIKE MY DREAM BEST FRIEND AND I WANT TO KNOW EVERYTHING ABOUT YOU AND ACT LIKE WE'RE TOTES HOMIES OKAY IM A VIRGO SUN PISCES MOON smh a girl is cURIOUS AND (platonically) IN LOVE WITH YOU 😖❤❤❤❤

Hey there!! 💕💓❤️ Oh wow!!!! 💕💓❤️💕💓❤️ Don’t worry this is fine!! I’m actually -- like, really happy and giddily flustered you’d want to get to know me!? 💕💓❤️ I’m really flattered and really grateful/touched aaaaaaa only virgo/pisces deserve rights, my current wife is also a virgo/pisces this is obviously some kind of synastry destiny (jk *wink wonk?*)!! 💕💓❤️thank you for caring about me!!! 💕💓❤️💕💓❤️💕💓❤️💕💓❤️

Yeah sure!! 💕💓❤️I can tell you more things about me!! 💕💓❤️

Disclaimer? I think it’s good for the audience to know where I’m coming from and who I am? I just think transparency/knowing who you’re talking to is important because knowing who I am, can also help you and me see where my flaws are and where I may be coming from! 💕💓❤️ Or what I provide, but where I might miss my mark somewhere, y know? 💕💓❤️ Not to say you have to judge me, I just don’t see the point in not just being who I am and saying yeah I can see where I took the L there. It’s just-- better? for future endeavors as well? So here we are? 

More about me? In sections?

10 things about me? 

I’ll start with this since it’s the shortest!

This may come off as totally random but I do better in colder climate than hotter ones -- even though I currently live in a tropical island 

I used to live in the US!

I actually have a designated place where I go to sit, open up my laptop and answer asks from tumblr. I sit outside my little patio and stare out at my garden, and then answer qs from here!

This means I’m always subjected to the Wild Life coming at me unexpectedly sometimes, but my cat also visits me at my table! So it balances out! 

My favourite drink is milk but I like plant-based ones, or rice milk? Or the lactose free ones! They’re delicious! 

Cherries are my favourite snacks but I usually get them once every 3 months -- so the result is I don’t tend to snack often. This is by design of me trying to Not Snack + using my pickiness to weaponize against myself and my eating habits.

To unwind I watch cat/animal videos on youtube before I go to sleep - it’s not very effective because I have to keep my eyes open to see, plus I always end up making cooing noises at the screen -- so I’m not sure when if it’s actually making me sleepy or not. But it’s working so far so I’m continuing to do it.

I have very specific knowledge of certain things in very acute details + link/resources of further studies on the topic, but otherwise I have 0.5 braincells most of the time, just a lot of Forbidden Knowledge.

I have a folder of cursed memes and that’s all you need to know about my sense of humour I think? 

Love life?

I am currently single! 💕💓❤️ Gf application is always open! 💕💓❤️ However, I’d like everyone of you to know I’m a 95 liner and I will not accept applications from those born after 98′ 💕💓❤️

Although I’m bi + had ex-bf before... I am (as of right now) on the fence about men personally in my personal life (disclaimer) because I’ve got a week of quarantine, thus I haven’t been doing the do and can think clearly for once. I am contemplating. Men. And the necessity in life. Y know? 

Although my love life is free!! I am not excused from the occasional panic of having a crush (annually). I’m lucky enough to go through it just once every year, but every time it happens I am an absolutely clown + always in turmoil. It’s what happens when you’re a sag venus who can’t control your p***y brain. Luckily, my crush just have to insult me or make me explain things from my past and then I’d be too traumatize to crush on them again. It’s quite effective, and works out best for all of us! 💕💓❤️

I’ll refrain from talking about my ex because I know I have a habit of recounting the good and being mushy. Even if we ended it on rocky terms. So! I’ll save everyone from that. 💕💓❤️    

Friends (expanded, clarifications?) 

The ones I mention on the blog are usually 

taurus/taurus, 

cancer/cancer, 

leo/libra, 

leo/cap (x2), 

virgo/sag, 

libra/aries (x2), 

scorpio/sag, 

scorpio/cap, 

sag/taurus, 

pisces/scorpio, 

pisces/aqua,  

Oof that’s alot.. This might be better to outline in a timeline format... so leo/libra, scorpio/sag, libra/aries and partially virgo/sag are whom I grew up for the majority of my childhood-teenage life! 💕💓❤️ 

They obviously made a very big impact on me! 💕💓❤️ They’re with me through thick/thin, leo/libra (sag rising) is the extrovert of the bunch. He’s one of my best friends, close guy friend, most of the time I too find him a little exasperating because he’s.. well its his problem so nevermind, but he’s also very endearing! 💕💓❤️ If it wasn’t for him-- well, there’s also another leo I thought was very endearing in a little brother kind of way. So leos to me have a very positive influence in my life, they’re very cute especially when they ask for your attention. I think they are like puppies/kitties when they are needy, and their blatant way of just being themselves always makes me feel refreshed + I  admire them for it. In the end, I’m totally heart-eyes endeared for Leos! 💕💓❤️

Scorpio/sag is also my best friend! 💕💓❤️ She’s a taurus rising, and she’s so sweet, kind, chatty and very open/friendly to people! 💕💓❤️ Her, my cousin (who’s also a scorpio but a scorpio/pisces), and quite a few of my other best friends who are scorpios - actually made me realize they’re not like what they’re usually describe as. Maybe that’s just me? But I think they’re very sweet and comforting to be around, not to mention they’re quite supportive and willing to listen when you’re having a tough time with something!! 💕💓❤️The pillar of support and one of the few rare people I don’t mind interacting with (actually crave interacting with them) because of just how chill they are, I wish more people recognize that in a scorpio! 💕💓❤️

Libra/Aries is one of my longest childhood friend, probably from birth! 💕💓❤️ He’s a supportive big brother type figure. But he can be very silly and he doesn’t hold himself so seriously most of the time! 💕💓❤️ Whilst he’s very understanding and quite nosy with others, he tries to be subtle/sleek but he isn’t! I think he’s very endearing when he wants to be, and he deserves someone who loves him lots as well 💕💓❤️ We reunited for the first time in 6 years the other day? And I think we both ended up crying a little and holding hands because we miss each other alot! 💕💓❤️ It was very nice, I think he’s much more emotional (just suppressed) than what people realize! 💕💓❤️ He’s very caring though - like willing to talk you through your problems and make sure you’re taken care of, back on your feet, but also willing to smile scarily at people who’ve hurt you and actually take them to court/yell at them for you. I think its very sweet! 💕💓❤️

Virgo/Sag is someone I hung out with for a short period of time, but kept in contact with periodically throughout my life because we ended up going through similar majors/path in life! 💕💓❤️ She’s someone who’s very caring, wants to take care of you, when she’s endeared by you she makes sure to dote on you often! 💕💓❤️ Actually, she’s born a day after Namjoon I think? But that’s not the point, the thing is - she’s my virgo/sag and when she’s not by my virgo/sag she’s super cool and I can see that many of our friend respects her/think she’s very mature + she’s the Shit! 💕💓❤️ I really admire her too and I think she’s super cool, but more than that, I love how caring and tender she is. She’s the best 💕💓❤️

These are the people I grew up with, and then I went to college and met/lived with Scorpio/Cap + Pisces/Scorpio+Aqua. 

Scorpio/Cap and I actually hit it off since the first day? We were in orientation, and we’re both talkative I guess! But in similar ways. He appreciates my bluntness/sense of humour and I like that he’s sarcastic and the only one engaging enough to be around/paying attention to what’s happening. We went to a house party together and then had 1 class together the semester. After that, me and him decided we’d live together off campus (along with our other friend who fell through, I think he’s a Leo?) - whilst we lived together we share majors in the same division, on holidays or at night after class, we’d grab dinner together + walk there, or we’d eat at home and binge watch a marathon he’d pick together. 💕💓❤️ It’s really fun! 💕💓❤️ 

Both of us like cooking, so he’d make dishes/drinks and I’d do that and we’d coerced each other to hang out in the living space together. Basically, we’re there to force each other to socialize/hang out with people and also encourage each other. It’s very fun! But we also had moments where we’d buy each other dinner/go to art galleries/exhibit together. There’s more serious too of course, like talking about our problems or worrying about stuff. But I think I found someone who looks out for me/I can look out for him, be confidants for each other and not be embarrassed with each other. Besides this, he also found my p0rn collection and suddenly mentioned it when we’re on campus so now I can never unfriend him because he has blackmail material on me. I’m forced to be his friends forever now. 

Pisces/Cap and Pisces/Aqua are my roommates after Scorpio/Cap - actually, Pisces/cap invited me to live with them when I was finding a place, it was very fortunate! 💕💓❤️ We’re all close friends because we live in the same hall during first year, plus me and Pisces/cap (and a Gemini friend) would get drunk + go to parties together so!! This is very convenient! 💕💓❤️

Actually.. Pisces/cap, me and Gemini friend.. I went with Gemini friend to buy his apartment with him (along with his friends, I’m good friends with them too) and Pisces/cap went with him to buy furnitures lmao! 💕💓❤️ And then me and Pisces/cap moved in together, although I didn’t room with them. I roomed with Pisces/Aqua whom till this date is my favourite roommate I’ve ever lived with! 💕💓❤️

It’s a little messy with Pisces/Cap but not in a? bad way? at all? Like we’re close friends who still talk often, but they did confess once over the holidays, and I turned them down (that was when I was about to move in) - we did make out along with pisces/aqua but like.. that’s... I guess that’s normal for college y know? We did a couple projects together for their class, like a comic about me and gemini friend, poems, photography, I drew them something. And I think they did have something with Gemini friend as well but! Gemini friend moved away on the last year so it never went anywhere there. 

But these are all good memories we had together and it’s not like-- bad at all, I don’t ever think badly at them for it because it was honest to them/for them, it was their emotions and tenderness from the heart? I can’t ever look down on anyone for that or judge them for being true to themselves, I actually think they’re very brave to be able to heal themselves and process things especially involving emotions like that. I also think these are all precious and honest memories, being friends with them definitely helped me grow my EQ by so much. Without them, I’d be very close-minded today! 💕💓❤️ 

Pisces/aqua is my roommate for a long time, and I love them to bits too! 💕💓❤️ They have two cats, both I love so so much and would sacrifice getting up for very often! 💕💓❤️ More than that, Pisces/aqua is so smart and able to pick things up immediately! It’s honestly very admirable, how they pierce things together. Whether it’s tarot or astrology, they’re the one who got me into this actually? 💕💓❤️ It was their interest before it became mine through proxy or maybe osmosis lmao, but they’re quite judgey and sometimes have a ? idk, superiority complex/elitist attitude towards stuff sometimes? So I never really talked about it much with them because it can get really frustrating sometimes 💕💓❤️ I do love them lots though, I can be ignorant of a lot of things and really slow on the uptake, but they’re very nice and kind and patient with me - honestly they’re as patient as a saint sometimes with me. And I’m really really thankful to them for it! 💕💓❤️ They’re getting married this year to a Scorpio! 💕💓❤️

Taurus/taurus and Cancer/cancer are my college best friends. Actually we hang out outside of class too! 💕💓❤️ I celebrated cancer/cancer’s birthday with them and their friends/roommates and it’s really fun. Heres why it’s -- like, momentous. It’s because my college classmates are more like colleagues or co-workers, so we don’t usually have that kind of camaraderie outside of first year. Plus, we’re all kind of working or busy with our private life outside of class - so it’s hard to reconvene that with who you know in classrooms. 

They like their private life separated from the college one, which is what I prefer as well. I really adore them though, since we have a major that usually makes us get little to no sleep and have to stay at school at night-till morning most nights (for programs on the computer or printing facilities, rip) -- they’re the one who would either stay up with me, working together at the same table and we can ask each other for fresh eyes on our work. Or they’d motivate me to go home and not be stupid to stay at school. Or they’d drive me home so they know I get back safely/on time. It’s just -- I adore them so much they’re very very good! 💕💓❤️

Taurus/Taurus is also a college best friend whom I befriended later on in the years, they’re really sweet! 💕💓❤️ We have more of a friendship where we spend time outside together, walking in the city trying out a new cake store or just going back to their place to play games or talk about what else we have going on in our lives. They’re really busy!! Since they’re involved in church activities, they travel to another town an hour away every sunday - their dedication to their work, school and church (AND spending time with their fiance’s family + fiance) is amazing! 💕💓❤️ They also got me my first job at the firm they’re working in, in our last years - I made sure they’re not too tired and get their work done on time so they don’t rush their finished project. Or give better advice if the teacher is making them fume. I really like them lots too, we had alot of fun together AND they’re a foodie! 💕💓❤️

There’s another Libra/Aries whom I knew from college, while I was still living with Scorpio/Cap - I was in another town/not the same town as the Pisces back then. But Libra/Aries was close and she’d come by often! We’d travel the city together, lay on the lawn, go to parks together or exhibit. They’re very proactive and we spend a lot of time talking about work and projects, personal interests, when we watch movies together - we’d spend time sitting in cafes after watching them to talk for hours/until closing about the movie ( ‘we have alot to unpack’) -- they’re a lot of fun to talk to because they’re just as intense about stuff! 💕💓❤️ And their interest is genuine, give good hugs, a little too loud for our cats but she means well! 💕💓❤️ 

This is brief recount of everyone, mostly focusing on activities we did together but knowing them as people obviously made a big impression on me! 💕💓❤️ 

Leo/Caps are people I met since I finished college/working now, they’re my two admins on the blog actually! 💕💓❤️So internet friends, but I really click with and they’re soothing + fun to be around when I’m home/anywhere! 💕💓❤️ 

Sag/Taurus is also another internet friend, I’ve known her for a year now? But man, every conversation is an adventure and she’s so fun to be around! 💕💓❤️ Also very sweet and an extremely kind person, in a fire sign kind of way. Which means a lot of gawking from me and very loud laughs. But yes! 💕💓❤️ Very good people! 💕💓❤️

I do have friends from work... but well we’re not close enough for me to actually consider them good friends/talk about them personally? They’re nice! But I have yet to form a more positive opinion about them - it’s positive and negative, so I’ll see who survives and come through as a person I’d like to hang out with outside of work. 💕💓❤️

To Virgo/Pisces anon: 

Here’s my best friend application do I make the cut please reply 💕💓❤️

[gayregis]

ok also. i don't think geralt's into pet names BUT he's really just like. thoroughly physically affectionate. like he's not good with words but he knows very well just how and where his bf wants to be kissed and touched and what makes him feel good and what makes him feel appreciated both in terms of sex and in just in general and in turn jaskier is very vocal abt how good geralt makes him feel or abt how much he really appreciates him and his company and how he loves him bc They Know Each Other

in a little sacrifice when geralt begins tripping over his words around dandelion and essi... he was shortcircuiting from the pressure of having to speak in front of two poets. ... the thing is that geralt has the capability to be incredibly eloquent, but it’s only when he’s not thinking about it, and also usually when it’s about something he scorns, or a hateful situation (the nature of humanity, impending doom, the dangers and woes that ciri is facing...) ... when he has to speak about good things and love, he kind of becomes reduced to “you make me feel good in my heart :)” 

i know that this isn’t the ship on the table right now, but, i mean, it took geralt four books and like what, 10 years, to tell yennefer he loved her... i feel like with dandelion, there was less, ahem, drama in their relationship (they don’t really on again/off again, it’s more of a mutual everlasting thing) so it could have gotten to that point sooner between them, but it also has to be considered when exactly it turns romantic or geralt Realizes that he’s not only capable of love but legitimately loves dandelion ... not just in a friend way... 

(personally i understand the appeal of a ship that has love at first sight, but i really like the “love at second sight” dynamic in which they realize they’re important to each other right off the bat but only really realize their feelings later... also i think falling in love / realizing that you have fallen in love with your best friend is a common gay/bi experience...)

so i like to put the estimate of when geralt Realizes actually exactly at the point where dudu changes into dandelion in eternal flame. because at that moment geralt realizes that all he wanted to do when faced with dandelion is hold him, talk with him, be with him somewhere quiet, peaceful, and safe... that he loves him, even if he is wearing that stupid gaudy blue kaftan... that all he ever feels towards dandelion is this desire to be with him, spend time with him, protect him from anything that may come their way... dudu and geralt in this moment both were expecting geralt to raise his sword, geralt was already reluctant and never wants to harm innocents, but after dudu shifted form into dandelion, any kind of drive he possibly could have had for unsheathing his blade in an act of violence just got knocked out of him, blew away like the wind. (also worth noting that right before dudu shifted into dandelion’s form, he was in geralt’s form, and that only made geralt actually more OK with using violence than he was with dudu in any other form... geralt’s self-loathing knows. only a few bounds.)

the reason why i bring it back to this time geralt realizes he’s in love is because of that moment where all he wants is to just sheathe his sword, rush forward, and hold dandelion in his arms... feeling horror at the fact that his sword is glistening in his hand. he doesn’t know what to say, actually, in this moment. the dialogue becomes a monologue as dudu continues speaking in dandelion’s voice and form, and where geralt is supposed to repond, it just says: “geralt nodded reluctantly.” “the witcher said nothing.” “the witcher said nothing.” i interpret this scene as him basically being paralyzed with feelings, especially after a shard of ice where he and istredd went toe-to-toe and was told he can’t experience love because it’s a biological impossibility. he’s still thinking about this question throughout eternal flame, and it comes to a head in this scene, because what else, other than love, stayed his blade, paralyzed him?

geralt’s situation relating to his feelings and love are intensely complex. it’s not the simple “oh i have feelings for you but i’m too abashed to say them uwu,” but rather “i was born to be emotionless so i could fill a societal role and specific caste laid out for me but your presence in my life has changed everything and now i think i might be able to feel love, and i feel love for you” ... so yeah he has difficulty verbalizing all of that. especially when he hasn’t had a traditional upbringing with the presence of fairy tales and stories of love told to him since childhood, he’s missed out on a lot of “normal” societal things like this so he does not have a framework to understand his feelings through! no one told geralt that when you want to spend night and day with someone, sleep in the same bed, talk to them endlessly, and you feel like you can be completely honest and truly yourself and seen for who you really are around somebody... that’s love! 

before dandelion’s presence in geralt’s life, the idea of pleasant touch was really foreign to geralt. from contracts, he felt claws and teeth and maybe the sewing of a wound afterwards. from other contact with other humans, he felt nothing except the ocassional contemptous spitting or throwing of stones (legit what it says in the last wish). the witchers in KM seem to go for that masc shit (he and eskel hug for an imperceptable moment, blink and you’ll miss it) and i can imagine witchers roughhouse for fun and stuff like that, but in the outside world, with no one who could ever understand who he is, what he is, what role he was meant to play... it’s a very isolating life. 

i’m stealing an entire paragraph from this other post i wrote a while ago: “tbh there was probably an entire first week of their friendship where geralt flinched or became immediately alert when dandelion got close to him to speak, touch his arm in jest or gentle motion, or grabbed onto his hand, forearm, or sleeve in anxiety, because geralt just…. wasn’t used to anyone touching him, even in a passing or platonic manner.” geralt wasn’t used to kind touch, but he has highly trained mind-body coordination. i think in one part of tower of the swallow in a chapter prelude, witchers are called a “caste of warrior-priests” which just makes me think of the monk class in D&D... which can be a good analogy. geralt is NOT just a sellsword. his profession goes entirely much deeper, it’s literally what he was genetically altered to perform. this is why he has such a difficult time separating himself from his work, because it almost cannot be done. witchers do undergo extensive training, and especially individuals like geralt who are focused on ethics and morality take time to reconcile the physical and mental effects on their body. it’s not really just “guy with sword feels things physically bc that’s just how he’s wired,” but geralt has really tuned his soul and body together as a result of both his profession and coping with being forced into his profession.

so i think when dandelion introduces this concept of good touch to him in addition to the idea that he can be loved / deserves companionship, it’s natural for geralt as he becomes more in-tune with his emotions to feel them more physically. i ask whomstever is reading to take their mind out of the gutter bc this part at least is a nonsexual context, because they can put it straight back into the gutter later, since this post does involve dandelion.geralt’s emotions are practically on the same level of chronic pain as his shattered leg later on in the series. you know when you feel despair and grief in your chest, the tingling sensation of love in your arms and shoulders, the bristling anger on the back of your neck... it’s along those lines. 

so when he’s feeling emotions very heavily, and can’t begin to craft the statement beginning with, “so, i’m not supposed to feel emotions, but...” he just acts with his body. this can actually be seen in all the times he saves dandelion, saves yennefer (debatable b/c she’s pretty badass; it’s more like he helped her), and when he just runs to ciri without even needing to say anything in something more. 

in his worst times, geralt’s a man of philosophy and surmising and indecisiveness... like in baptism of fire, regis says that the cardinal directions have no meaning to him, as long as he is going somewhere... he paces around, and also like in baptism of fire, the song about the ornery wolf... look how the wolf dances in the holt / teeth bared, tail waving, leaping like a colt (...) look how the wolf is dragging his paws / head drooping, tail hanging, clenching his jaws (...)” ... but in his best times, he’s a man of action. he acts when it’s most important.

ok time to put your head back into the gutter now! i’ll put the nsfw stuff under a cut to save all of your eyes

this part can be treated like an add-on to the post. wow, all this writing just to say geralt doesn’t suck at sex... ok. 

well in terms of geralt x dandelion i think that after their first time together, dandelion accuses him of lying about how many people he’s fucked, because ‘it can’t possibly be that small of a number’ because geralt wasn’t awkward. he was very emotional as to be expected, but also we know he doesn’t tend to show emotions on his face, so the intense rippling feeling of love & desire he feels when dandelion pushes his hair back behind his ear flew under the radar. which is good in geralt’s perspective, because he strongly feels that it would be embarassing if dandelion knew how much he’s affected by him. honestly similarly, dandelion who’s not embarassed by much is at first apprehensive to think about his and geralt’s relationship, because usually he can just leave whenever he feels like it... but with geralt, it became different, geralt was no fling, and realizing this very early on in their relationship was alarming until dandelion did what he usually does and just drops it and remains happy. 

honestly you could make the argument (not outright STATING it... i’m not being h*rny on sideblog...) but you could argue, that geralt and dandelion have bomb ass sex because both of them are canonically good in bed, weirdly enough. geralt is pretty giving and loving in his sex scenes, even when it’s not even romantic and rather a crazed passion, like with fringilla. it’s canon that he’s a proponent of oral sex b/c he defends the concept in discussion with regis and also gives it canonically, so idk what to really say here except geralt’s a real one and sapkowski had a vision i guess for his main character. 

another important thing mentioned in geralt’s sex scenes is that he’s pretty intuitive with pacing. in the last wish, he and yennefer take their time and have quite a soft and loving experience, and in lady of the lake, he and fringilla experience this more sort of intense scenario. but i think these differences are meant to speak to the differences in love and relationships between the pairings... while geralt and yennefer experience an all-consuming love of mind and body, geralt and fringilla had more of a ... bad decision. this makes us have to headcanon for what the pairing of geralt and dandelion would be like, i’m inclined to say it would be a lot like geralt and yennefer because the thing about geralt and yennefer is that they find intimacy in each other that they’ve yearned for their entire lives, and geralt and dandelion have a lot of that similar energy of finding something in another that you’ve always longed for. 

especially towards the beginning of their relationship, i feel like just their abilities to be vulnerable are what drives them. of course, having emotional sex is a fireworks-type event for geralt, while for dandelion it’s more just like, 3 PM on a tuesday afternoon, so that affects their dynamic a lot, again especially in the beginning of their relationship before geralt met yennefer and villentretenmerth, because geralt really was just not sure of himself. dandelion’s very sure of himself so he kind of doesn’t realize that it’s the beginning of an Emotional Journey for geralt and not just something casual like eating brunch together. geralt becomes more confident over time though and that’s good but he still gets just regular pangs of gay love that stops your heart momentarily, from being ... in love... 

as for actual dynamic during i think it would be funny and good to keep them both in-character and interacting as they normally do. cue humorous arguments with no vitriol or consequence: “stop moaning in musical scales, it’s ruining my concentration” “no— fa so!” 

[bbunnylily]

brief note.

Disclaimer: just a woman share her past story. For some throwback moment, I don't really come out as a part of lgbt community, even in high school era. I don't feel that is necessary for me, since I got something fuck-worthy to figure out soon, named college. To be honest, I already coming in for myself since junior high school. I make time for my self, contemplating what I really been through and what should I do about that. I just like, or actually fell in love with my bff back then. I know I was gay when I realize recently, I actually put her photo as my facebook cover and also comment with other people that I really valuing this bff things (ehe, you know). The part that makes everything so counterintuitive is I always with boy since day one I experienced, so I don't have much time and energy with my s/o. I am being brainwashed with facts that lgbt community is a sinner, a contagious behavior and it should be punished whatever it takes. I don't believe in those facts, I know they (it's used to be 'we') are not less human than the rest of us. They are not a contagious disease that need to be stopped the spreading. They are human and they are valid for whatever they feel. For my idea of it, I got plenty of gay friends, I hear their story as well and asking what this world as in their perspective. I always try to be their safest place to stay. The beginning of 2019 hit me real hard. I learned a lot. It was starting when I know I had crush with the girl I used to go class with. I came to her and express my feeling genuinely. I am not the silent one when it comes to my feeling and what my heart wants. So, basically I started this relationship with her, I broke up with my five years worth boyfriend and start living my life in my own motto - no regrets. The love life was horrible and it's affect for both party. I will tell you simply what I feel and I don't mean to generalize them. I came with upper middle class family with no problematic parents and surrounding with helpful people, caring friends, and loyal boyfriend. Thankfully, it's a blessed circumstances for me. I maintain all the relationship maturely enough and I don't feel attacked in all parties. Unfortunately, I have a black-record on mental illnesses because I couldn't control my own mind for at least two years and I need to be treated. I started my first semester on junior year to learn about myself and its attached mess. When I already made so much effort, crawled to put my shit together at the end of first semester, life won't understand me easily. It gave me double hard rock at the beginning of year and I can't defeat this alone. Thanks to my best friends, they actually pull me up for this uncommon infinite loop of self absorbed and shamelessness. Back before enlightened version of me, I became a less merciful servant, least grateful person on earth, and also the first rank on being spoiled daughter. I feel so unnatural, bathed in everything I want but I don't feel happier. I felt stuck, this is not me. I don't have any spark on changing the world like I used to be. I don't dedicate enough time to pursue my passion. I don't put any interest on things like self growth, ethical eating, or sustainable lifestyle I used to be. I engulfed with entitlement. I used to think and feel as 'I am special snowflake falling in love with girl, against the odd, we're cool, we aren't less human, and you should know that'. The part of 'you should know that' really mean it. We think that God would understand and approve this artificially-beautiful relationship. We committed awful things shamelessly, I don't think about people's feeling. We made time for each other even though she will fail on her class and I am suffering from sleep deprivation because I need to make sure my grades are not surfing down at the same time I madly fell in love with her. We searched someone or some art to support our preference of love. She made me a beautiful lesbian art, I made her a lesbian love playlist. We were surfing on youtube, finding gay girlband, lgbtq+ allies that supports us no matter what cruel world do to us. We were escaping together, made a coping mechanism for untangled thread of college life. We spent our limited money to give each other gifts every single time we met. I even asked for double amount the monthly pocket money to treat her and my parents accepting my white lies. Simply, we were confused. I was the victim of pseudo-happiness and I was the servant of lust and temptation. One day, God gave me a turning point through my best friend. She always there with me when I met my girlfriend. She cried in front of me, when we were having lunch together, just two of us. "I don't want us (and all of my peer group) are going to suffer in hell because we failed to hold your hand, together for heaven." The clichè sentence she said to me were not change my lusty love for my girlfriend and she continues her sentence. "Do you want to see me burnt?" Tears coming down from both of my eyes. My heart already cracked slowly. My neck choked and my breath blocked. This is the feeling I craved for whole time, awe. She grab my shaked hands and look at me. I can't see her face, I am ashamed. I am totally repent from my sin at the time. I broke up with my gf and she blamed me for too-hear what people said and she never liked my best friend at all. My best friend knew that my gf don't like her and she's okay with that. One lesson I learned was I have such help from God through my best friends and I always feel thankful for the blessings. As the devil made for tempting us, made the forbidden one just as good as the real one, I actually came back and repeat my sin again for twice, with the same person. I already tidy up the mess I made and I promise to my gf that I won't involved any person in our private love life. So, we were doing same, but we commit things more horrible everything you can think of. I don't feel so good for the second time. I realized I am being denial but I don't know what. I keep accepting terrible facts for my consciousness but I don't know what they are. The black thing crippling through my skin, already infected my brain, but I'm dumb. I don't know what that feeling is. I can't reach any help from people and my friends I used to be, she will blame me twice. So, I need to defend myself all alone this time. One night I was in the middle of chatting with her, she told me her insecurity for being with me. "I was insecure that you have lovable family, caring best friends and loyal ex bf. I am insecure, I constantly comparing my self with your past ex. He can do anything for you, anything. He wrote your story, made a song for you and gained success with it. He fulfilled you with attention, loyalty, and material than me. He is the faithful one for you, balanced with your strong-willed treat. I just the gamer girl, don't have any long-term goals with shitty life. I buried myself with superficial things. So, what you chasing after me? What value you can gain for me?" My heatbeat stopped for one second, my brain freezed. This is the black thingy that crippled into my skin. It feels like I've peeled off from something that taped me tightly. Why I chase her? Do we need better than this? I know she feel shitty and I want to make things better for us. "I choose you because you taught me to chill out with life. I see you enjoy your life with all the mess you made, you gave me sort of happiness that simply anybody can't give to me." I felt horrible because deep down I lie to her but I can't make her worse. So, right now I just made the white lies and continue myself to pursue my dream. I actually tell her to do something, to help herself manage her feeling, I don't want to brag it, but the result it was same. She always back to daily preference for searching something that comfort her inner mess instead of really solve the problem for long term inner peace. I keep note for myself, I don't want to give a fuck with someone that doesn't do something about their own life to be better. She exploded and blame me for too-hear my ex's suggestions about life and ignore her. I just fed up with her, so I just say yes. Yes to all the premises she dump for me. I took the blame I could take. Don't mention all the block, unfollow, and 'hide' action she takes, I just want a breakfree for this attached rope. We broke up for the second time. Lesson that I ever learn for this one is stop paint on other people canvas if God already show their painting. Almost two months I never heard about her, I keep figure out what I need to do with my life. In the middle of noon, I was sick, she called me and I answer weakly. She was missed me and I kinda took it easy. I don't want to be blamed again for messing thing I feel I never do that. I just take her love and reply it back with no hard feeling. Friend need to love each other, right? I already move on from her, so whatever she does it doesn't affect me at all. I don't greet her, chat her regularly for weeks because I know that she's not fuck-worthy. I do care about her, she's free to tell me a story and I always hear it, but I don't want attached to her anymore. One night I'm in the middle of jinjer playlist on my youtube, writing animal structure for junior year dictates, she told me that I'm not a human being, I just cruel, egoistic, and cold hearted girl that don't think about her feeling. She was stalking through my instagram and find highlighted story with my ex when we are collaborating with some business project and I help him with the upcoming interviews. She blamed me for ruthlessly messed up with her feeling. I just can't stand it, and I need to reply all the blame she gave to me, and now I just have the courage to stand as myself, defend all my untapped dignity to keep her calm. At the end, everything I got just a 'cheater' title from her. Lesson I need to extract here is whatever other people said harsh thing to you, blame you for your weaknesses, don't let yourself throw pity party. Everyone has their side of anxious part and maybe my being just made her feel threatened. After almost one month, I already healed completely for all the torture, I am not obligated to her feeling. So, I went to Depok, makeover my rooms with our pictures hanging the walls of my bed. I send the snapchat and wholesome picture for her. She was making time for catching up with me. I was so happy I could meet her but at the end I express my feeling for her, I said I can do the sweet things without being attached to her, just like I treated all my friends. She neglected my goodwill and tell me I don't have to do that for her, but to be honest I treated her just like friends, no hard feeling and she can't take it. Simple lesson learned for this experience is whatever you do for mend the good and healthy relationship, be sure it will accepted maturely for both of parties involved. So, shout out for her my first and maybe the only girl I ever have the lovers relationship with. Please pray for her peacefulness upon all the mess and chaotic cloud everyday. I'm so sorry for all shameless acts we do and pray together for God's mercy. I pray we all find serendipity in our day with fulfilled heart and caring companionship whatever the battles we experienced through the day. Keep strong and always learn the lesson from our experiences and other's. May God forgive us all. Semoga yang sedang cemas, ditenangkan hatinya. Semoga yang sedang bingung, diteguhkan pendiriannya. Semoga yang sedang sendiri, dikuatkan langkahnya. Semoga yang berada dalam kegelapan, dibimbing jalannya menuju cahaya. Tuhan akan membantu, percayalah. Tuhan hendak melihat hamba-Nya bersusah payah, lelah, dan penat tertatih menuju jalan-Nya. Tuhan ingin melihat usaha hamba-Nya. Sekali, sekali, sekali, dan sekali lagi.

[greyred]

3x3

Three appointments in three days. 

That’s how restoration begun. 

I was pretty down mentally and physically when I wrote my last entry. But I guess you gotta hit the bottom to start all over again. Life is like a funny computer game. I remember when I was a kiddo and loved playing Tetris, when levels got too easy, I would smash the blocks to bottom randomly before fixing them up, so the game would be more interesting, would give more tension, resistance. Thrill. My whole life have been seeking for thrills. Subconsciously. And now I don’t know any better. As with past weeks I managed to get my life back on track I also ended up picking up a new hobby that is definitely thrilling and highly dangerous. I’ve been past weeks sober, in order to balance my body and mind, but my soul has still life on it’s own. And now it feeds on speed and cars. Don’t get me wrong! I’m not talking about drugs! I’m back in zero-tolerance again as I’ve always been. I’m talking about speed that you can reach with driving a machine, an automobile. New friends, new hobbies. Right now there is nothing more thrilling than driving 200 km/h while being totally sober and feeling like you will have a heart attack any second. Or you will literally crash and be dead. Heh.. lucky i’m somewhat suicidal, so I don’t really care. But on those little seconds when you think ‘Oh MY God We gonna crash!’ in that small break in a second - I feel like I do want to live after all. Because the danger of death is as close to touch, it becomes a very real thing. And something you can not really control. Depends on a way you decide to take your own life you still have a backing up time. But not at a highway! And that pure sober adrenaline that I have been enjoying lately have oddly given me back a will to live.

Now going back on those 3x3 days when all this started. The satisfaction of accomplishment is one of the best depression cures. It’s not the pills (medication for depression like AD’s) that cure you, it’s your actions. It’s not how medicated zombie you are, it’s what you do with your time all in all. That’s why I don’t believe in pills. Essentially they’re just legal drugs. I believe in therapy. Fresh, powerful, motivating ideas and ways how to accomplish tasks in your life. Or how to simply enjoy little pleasures. It all starts from little things, you get up and do one, just one thing in your house that you have been postponing. The satisfaction will give you motivation to do more. It will come by it’s own. You just gotta give it a little push at first, to get the ball rolling. Eventually you get “high” on completing different obstacles that at first seemed impossible. First you get things done, secondly you boost up your mood and confidence and in the end you feel proud, guilt-free. Accomplishments. 

Sounds easy to say, right ? Let me tell you how I got my ball rolling. I knew I had appointments and responsibilities to follow, so I pulled my big-boy pants up and got myself outside. The scary outside, with people and places. Three places to be in one day, three days to follow. Everything on time. I executed them well, until it was an hour to meet a temporary social worker for my boring but important paperwork. Let’s say, sometimes you don’t click with another human being. And that’s that. This happens and it’s nothing to worry about. We don’t have to click with everyone. I think she might have lacked of social skills, because I got two panic attacks in her office, first one i dodged, the second one was unavoidable, so I had to leave the building at once. On my way back to home, counting minutes in metro, I got somehow frustrated about that unfortunate situation. I had still 2 appointment to follow after that one but I was fleeing home like a coward. Yes the understandable side of me accepted it. This happens, nothing to be anguished about, you can continue next day if needed. But I got frustrated because I felt like one unfortunate person in my day had ruined not only my mood but also my plans. And I love my plans. I love making lists, and following them strictly. How could I get the “high” of accomplishment if I will just let this happen and run away? As the metro drove in direction to home I suddenly got up and walked out. Not at my home stop. At the stop where was going to happen my next task. I was too mad to give up. I was rebelling! Rebelling against my own panic attack. Took all that anger and converted it into energy. Pure energy. Despite of awful weather, despite of panic attack and public & social anxiety, I was just a raw power that decided not to run, but fight back. And that’s how I accomplished the rest of the tasks. I did them one by one. I could have turned back to home any time I wanted, but I didn’t. With every step further, I gained more power. I was playing that life’s Computer Game with fury.

And in the end of the day I was yet again - proud of myself. It was all worth it. Perhaps that unpleasant person was a good thing after all. I try to find something good in bad moments. It sure was an efficient exercise served by life itself. And yes, there will be bad days where you don’t really feel like going anywhere and that’s fine too. But also there will be better days when you will have the strength to impress not only people around you but the most importantly - Yourself. One is sure, nothing will happen when you sit at home surrounded with your own haunting, overthinking demons. The most hardest thing to do with depression is going out, the most effective cure for depression is going out. I know the feeling of controversy. Yet.. No one will do and live your life other than yourself! Always, remember that.

What comes to my social life. If anyone can handle my sharp ups-and-downs right now being besides me then the Marine seem to be progressing in that area. Which is quite refreshing. I’m very used to the fact that it takes a few months for one to grow to know each other until you can see a person behind the mask. And I sure am one hard candy! Yet without words I feel how he really tries to understand me. We don’t have to talk about every little perspective and detail and a tail of the thought and idea as I’ve had to do in the past. It’s like a mutual understanding of each other. That’s something you can share only with a person who have seen life more than a regular bloke. Been in a long relationship as well. I’m glad he has kids from past relationship, because I sure will not reproduce. And I’m entirely aware that one day I still might fcuk this thing up. But I no longer live in the shadow of fear of that. I love the way how easy he makes everything. We just are. No restricting specific boundaries. All that corny nonsense that you have been copy-pasting from one person to another and in your brain you know it’s going to lead to nowhere. I am taking this one differently. Am lucky and grateful with a reasonable and understanding companionship. And enjoying while it lasts. And if one day shall be the last day, then that will be enjoyed in it’s full as well! 

You learn from mistakes. We all do. We educate ourselves with experiences and situations, with people and time. As we grow older we learn how to adapt and overcome. And the number of mistakes, which should rather be called lessons of life, varies from a person to person. We are all different. And that is okay. You should not race your life achievements with no one else than yourself. People in your life come and go, yearning for past will only do harm. Sometimes people come and stay, sometimes they leave, sometimes they are not worth of your time and energy. For instance I tried to stay friends with ex-bf, Sancho. I usually manage to break up in good terms. But sometimes it’s simply impossible. How ever tolerable I was with his quirks, he still managed to go full-psycho on me in the end and made it simply impossible to keep any communication in future. Sometimes I have to make a hard decision and just delete person from my life. As I have done it before. He played his cards himself, no one else to blame. And it’s not just that, it’s with everyone in your life. It’s acknowledging that your time and your energy is the highest value you own. And using and directing it in useful ways. My psychologist told me - I should be more selfish and learn how to say ‘No’. As I’m disastrously selfless when it comes to sharing my time with people. Sometimes I would promise to meet someone, or go somewhere just because I didn’t know how to refuse. And later suffer in all of my politeness. I think I’m getting better in not consenting the vibe. We should all be more selfish with our time. Only so little to spend in this chaotic planet. Shouldn’t we aim for complacency. And yet still be motivated to desire for more, progress, move on. Yet not to forget to stop time to time and feel and enjoy the achievements and little beautiful moments. For the life is never done, it’s never complete. It will keep on going with it’s beautiful chaotic ups-and-downs as it did before us and as it shall continue after us. Just like people come and go in your life, it’s just the same with the whole existence.

There’s miles to pass and I’m not in a hurry. Life changes in every second and for me personally it have been rich in colors, abundant in experiences, I’m curious where it will take me. And I’m happy to share my observations with my readers. 

I am once again in the verge of change. If that already hasn’t happened. I believe I have given a good push for this ball to start rolling. And I’m keen to pursue. The change comes when you want it for yourself because of yourself. I believe that is the most effective way. If you wish to change for someone else, then no matter how long you play this game - you will always be dependent of that person’s presence. Like I was once dependent of my ex-husband for so many years. Now after all those battles with life and myself I feel I have never been more independent like now. I’m able to fill my own tasks. And need no one to hold my hand. In past half year especially I have changed a lot, or maybe I should say - grown a lot. I am more selfish. And I will not drag anyone with me, nor shall i hitchhike on someone’s else’s back. I am what I am today. And tally with people and surroundings that make me feel home. That doesn’t mean one couldn’t obtain inspirations from other rooms. That is called healthy development, yes I just made up a new statement and agree with that thought of mine. I reflect and write about my own beliefs and views. I recognize and respect that people have different ways to create and cope. This right here is mine. 

--

Last night I saw a vivid dream that I saved the world. In this real life here, one should start with oneself. 

This time it started with 3 x 3 days. And have ever since multiplied. We’ll go up and down, and up and down. And heed every moment.