#so much worse than weed
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DAVE MUTUAL. IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY ‼️‼️‼️‼️‼️‼️ HAPPY BIRTHDAY !!!!!! ❤️❤️❤️
thank you!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!‼️‼️‼️‼️ :) even tho my birthday is in january but i know you saw the ask from my friend that i answered so late and thats why
take this fucked up juice picture as a token of my gratitude ❤️❤️❤️💖💖💖💞💕💕💖
#i need to turn the auto exposure thing off its so annoying#she moves too fast#cats#asks#vorejuiceguzzler#its fun to be able to buy drinks at store :) but then the effects of the potions.#so much worse than weed#dont forget to bring the b12 dissolving vitamins to the function
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How I imagine Robin is watching Jonathan and Nancy from her locker.
#she's doing an anthropolical study of the straights#contrasting Jonathan and Nancy with Jason and Chrissy#she's pulling music out of her locker and straight up eavesdropping#while Jonathan and Nancy are much more tame in their PDA the convos are much more batshit#like for a solid month she thinks they just got way too into dnd until Eddie is like I've never seen them in my LIFE#(this is a lie Jonathan bought weed from him once but then decided to go to reefer rick for later purchases)#anyways poor Robin can't decide if the weirdos are better or WORSE than Jason and Chrissy who like openly call each other pookie#and are constantly kissing and being overall kinda gross (Chrissy thinks this is normal and going with it)#in the end Robin is like those two might be crazy but they're so much more entertaining#(it's a small school she's bored sue her)#and then they finally get introduced at Starcourt and Robin is ready to absolutely interrogate them but never gets the chance#... can you tell I've thought about this#stranger things#st headcanons#jonathan byers#nancy wheeler#robin buckley
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in my quest to quell my pain ive only hurt myself worse. damned if i do damned if i dont.
#i need better coping mechanisms but it’s so easy to just turn to substances when you’ve never learned how to cope w your emotions#and physical pain. however a lot of it has been brought on by the substance abuse aka i did it to myself#so i probably deserve it#but i started with them in the first place to get rid of pain that was so overwhelming and constant#it feels like every time i do something to preserve myself im punished for it#and im so sick of it. i cant believe its gotten this bad#i drink to help the pain -> i get hungover and the pain is way worse -> i drink to stop that pain#and the worst part is it always works#realistically ive depended on substances for like a decade#i started drinking at 13 and fell into a rut of alcoholism at like 15/16#my mom was going thru a phase of alcoholism and roped me into it so bad if be woken up by her bringing me a drink at 9 am#and we’d drink till she passed out and i had to walk her to bed and cook for everyone and do all the chores#it went on for months one summer#then it was weed and i smoked every day from like 18-22#only thing thwt stopped me from drinking until i started again after both my parents died#i havent recovered since.#im still so traumatized and depressed that i looked for any method of relief#the dph phase was the worst. i think alc is even better than that lmfao it was horrible#once i got access to alc i stopped all that. wouldnt have if i hadnt had alc tho#it’s honestly been one addiction after the other for a decade#and my parents fueled so much of it#‘oh id rarher you drink under my eye than do it behind my back’#BRUH YOU WOULDNT LET ME GO ANYWHERE OR DO ANYTHING. HOW WOULD THWT HAVE HAPPENED#crazy how i was obsessed w drugs and shit by the time i was 10 and i remember thinking wow im gojna grow up to be an addict.#why am i so irreparably fucked up#idk whatever. like im not gonna drink abt it lmao.
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i love art, im very grateful for adderall for gifting me with the executive function, ease of prioritization, and clearness of thought <3
#seriously a blessing in my burnout recovery#i think i had 2 burnouts really#1st when i was 12 i burnt out academically#and fell into other hyperfixations like homestuck and anime#n cartoons also socially burnt after my friends got annoyed w myhyperfixes but got close w my husband which helped/distracted from burnout#then i did again injjjjunior year i would say#i was burnt out creatively and socially and i hated band for the first time and i met my first AP class that i couldnt just coast through#because we had to do checked notes and DAMN im grateful for that teacher!!!!!!!!!!!#genuinely led to me learning how to take notes on text when i never had to before#but i literally cried. because spent HOURSSS the first few times trying to do my notes before a classmate told me theres a website that#summarized the book#which helped a lot#but it was the first time since suspecting i have Something other than depression/anxiety that i was SURE i had adhd#it kinda just clicked so i got on a nonstimulant that helped a bit but had shitty physical symptoms that got worse as i got older#i was on it forrrr like 2 or 3 years before i stopped taking it#but i also got on a 504 which gave me deadline flexibility which like#great yknow finishing out junior and senior year medicated woo#but senior year last semester i had terrible senioritis lol#which i now realize was that 2nd burnout#and literally from march 2020 to the end 2022 i barely talked to anyone or engaged on any level with most people other than smoking weed#and being a therapist#and my beautiful wonderful husband ofc but we kinda enabled each other lmao#but yknow that gap of time when my locale cared about covid and stuff was just not going on i really recovered#i didnt draw much or do much hobbywise#i did probably too much weed and not too much but Quite a Damn Lot of acid#(which.. idk who follows me now... but acid isnt a evil scary drug it is not physically harmful and wholly dependent on mindset)#and i worked a lot#but... i quit my job at the end of 2022. which kinda directly correlates with me reconnecting with my friend group#and reconnecting with them... i decided to go back to college#re realized the path for my passion for psychology lies in academia and i LIKE that
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all the cigaretteposting has me thinking about when i broke up with a guy who was weird and obsessive and blocked him and then my partner showed me he was posting about how badly he wanted to get addicted to cigarettes about it. like it's so lame. just so so lame. like imagine thinking smoking cigs is so cool that you take someone telling you to leave them alone as your excuse to get addicted to nicotine on purpose
#vv.txt#idrc if people smoke cigs but i avoid it personally. i smoke weed and thats fine#it's just like.... bullet dodged lmfao#like if his first instinct was to publically post about how much i made him want to kill himself and how much he wanted to get addicted to-#cigarettes for specifically self harming purposes#god. it was worse than that too he did way worse stuff#i just think it's so. stupid lol#so glad im out of there <33
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Unfortunately relatable. I grew up in the church and have a lot of Christian trauma from that. I show up for special occasions for my parents… sometimes. But it’s uncomfortable from the moment I step through the door. Bigoted pastor, the self-righteousness disguising the prejudice, the political comments from the altar. Shots at young people left right and center as if the hell on earth wasn’t caused by the same older generation 90% of the congregation belongs to..
I miss being young in the choir and the youth groups and not struggling with it. It’s wild to look back at the younger version of me who was unshakeable in his faith and honestly just saddening.
I was texting my sister today about it and she said
“I 100% think ALL of us have a ton of religious trauma and everyone else in the family just doesn’t realize it cause they’re still drinking the kool-aid.”
I ran out of tag room and didn’t want to delete any 😭 seriously not lying I could write a book about all my thoughts and experiences
#I relate to all of this so much#and it’s so sad how many people truly have religious trauma#I still find myself lucky and privileged cause I know there are stories MUCH worse than mine#it’s really hard cause my parents still think I’m a Christian#honestly at this point I have no clue what i am#even if I end up still being a Christian that doesn’t help or heal all of the years of church trauma#but the hard part is still acting the part for my parents#growing up I always tried to fit into the good Christian girl mold#cause I know that’s what my parents wanted and I didn’t want to disappoint them#but once I started smoking weed and they found out? it went all downhill from there#their perfect angel fell from heaven#and I feel like ever since I haven’t been really their daughter…. I’ve just been living on the outside looking in to everything#it hurts looking back at all the years I spent brainwashed into believing that was the ONLY faith#it genuinely makes me sick to my stomach thinking about the fact that I went to a pro life rally#the thing I was talking to my sister about was how mental health was never talked about in the church#when I started dealing with it and went to my parents or the pastors or any adult really and told them what I was dealing with#wanna know what the first thing they would ALWAYS say? well have you prayed about it? the way they treated mental illness was that it was#YOUR fault cause God is punishing you for something…. that you need to pray or go to church so then God will eventually take it away#and the thing is I don’t necessarily blame my parents (which kinda sucks cause I want to blame someone)#but honestly it’s just the environment they grew up in too… like I’m 99% sure my dad has dealt with depression his entire life#but won’t get diagnosed or anything cause they always believe faith has something to do with it#which makes me incredibly sad cause I just think about how much my dad has suffered and how he didn’t need to#^^ I was typing this out when I was late to my family gathering hahaha but then I think my sister called or something so I had to stop#sorry this post is all over the place - I swear I could write a book about religious trauma#yesterday went ok surprisingly but today? TODAY is going to be so much worse#sure I’ll make a post about it later but I guessssss I should go to bed now? it’s 2am and I have to get up at 5:45 🙃🙃🙃🙃🙃#and I have a fuuuuull day of fun Christian festivities while I’m dealing with all of this bottled up and unresolved crap from my past#please don’t get me wrong I love my parents and like I said I don’t blame them - they did their best#it just really sucks wondering what my life would have been like if I didn’t grow up in the church or in a super religious family#I wonder if when I told my parents I was depressed if they would have instantly brought me in to get help
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oooh hey. job offer get. 🌝
#if i pass bg & drug tests (extremely likely - it only takes me like 3 days tops to detox from weed) i start beginning of may#as. a banker. holy fuck#kind of getting some imposter syndrome but also they were REALLY impressed with me and think i'm gonna be amazing#and it's literally just. people and details. both of which i'm v good at. computer will do most of the math for me#a lil worried about the moral/ethical ramifications for my soul bc i don't believe money should even exist#but if i can help ppl navigate horribly fucked up incomprehensible financial systems & liberate Forbidden Money Knowledge#then i'll feel like a spy infiltrating enemy ranks#also omg the pay and benefits are EXCELLENT#i'll be making $3/hr more than my last job with better PTO and more paid holidays#and so far i think i'm gonna rly like my coworkers and the building is pretty and quiet with lots of sunlight#much smaller team and hopefully much less busy than my current job but more interesting work overall#aaaaaahhhhh#got the offer on my last day of old shitty job and GOOD FUCKING RIDDANCE#v glad i won't have to worry about being unemployed for an unknown amount of time & eating up my savings#just got a cozy 2 weeks of downtime to chilllllll (and recover from psychic damage of old job jfc it looks way worse in the rearview)#ctxt#charlie vs money
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#2 whole weeks sobeR let’s talk abt it#this the longest I’ve gone without a crumb of weed in my system in 5 yrs and the second longest in 8 yrs#For a long long time I thought I was self medicating the adhd but turns out I was making it Significantly worse#I have an attention span now I can watch tv without scrolling on my phone or playing w fidget toys#My apartment has stayed perfectly clean for the past 2 wks#haven’t rly struggled with eating or sleeping routines are v important wit it tho#been relying heavily on safe foods I’ve eaten the same exact thing every day for 2 weeks but it’s fine#ashwagandha helps me not wanna peel my skin off in rage#time moves INSANELY slower when ur not h*gh every waking second of the day these have been the Longest 2 wks of my life#but also I have So Much more time to do things and SO much more energy to do the things#I thought being anxious and exhausted was just my constant state of being but turns out that was Also just the weed#The insane nightmares have been The hardest part but most of the time my dreams are just weird#Feeling emotions is weird I’ve cried more in the last 2 weeks than I have in the last 2 years#I cry about good things I cry about beautiful things art as a whole is just so moving#self regulating after stressful things like work or staying with my parents is definitely New as w as decompressing after socializing w ppl#I do things like paint and journal and make silly little bracelets now#Idk man it just hasn’t been as hard as I thought it would be#A few months ago me and ******** were talking about how we’d actually k word ourselves without it#turns out the jazz cabb was making my depression and anxiety so much worse than it actually is#shits literally fine#Anyways don’t let ppl tell u u can’t develop an unhealthy relationship w weed I was h*gh every waking second of my day for 5 yrs#Last time I tried this I immediately became an alcoholic instead this time I don’t even feel the desire to have a single little drink#Overall I have A Lot more self control in every single area of my life#I don’t waste my money on dumb shit I can eat normal amount of food like a normal person#The thought of buying my favorite cookies and only having like Two of them used to be such an unreasonable concept to my little brain#I don’t know if this is gonna be a permanent thing I definitely know I can’t do it habitually#just like I learned I can be normal about alcohol if I don’t keep it in my house and only do it when socializing for special occasions#anyways if ur thinking about taking a break from ur favorite substance maybe give it a try#thx for coming 2 my ted talk if u read the whole thing I luv u take care of urself
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#yea. this dizziness and lightheadedness and heart shebang is worse than good old#fibromyalgia brain fog and exhaustion and zombie like state#i actually hate this#id actually so much rather trade this for being in more physical pain#im laying down and still feel so lightheaded and out of it#it feels like i spend 4 hours smoking too much weed except im sober#or like I haven't slept in days#everything is fuzzy snd its like my head isnt properly attacked to my neck#theres definetely something wrong w the nerves in my neck and spine#every time the dizziness and light-headedness and heart beating#out of my chest starts the back of my neck feels deeply deeply uncomfortable#not hurting necessarily but like something in my spine isnt connected properly
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i don’t want a job i just want to do drag and SLEEP i feel like i deserve that
#my mom just said she doesnt want me applying to weed stores cause i looks bad on my resume...#NOTHING also looks bad on my resume like sorry i want a job soon and a job that i can tolerate#'people have opinions' ah yes the stigma against cannabis in CANADA so much worse than the stigma against being an openly trans drag artist#having my 'rebellious phase' at 24 sucks cause in theory i could just avoid these interractions and yet#personal
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i wanna put a fucking gun in my mouth soooo bad
#whld#cannot tell if i am genuinely being tested more than usual or if it’s just side effects from starting a weed tolerance break + being on my#period BUT. i definitely feel like this week has been so much more fucking annoying than usual and i really almost said some shit that probs#would have costed me my job today LMFAO. i mean maybe not cuz my boss has probs put up with worse but good god i had to slap my hand over my#mouth when he called me today with some dumbass fuckery like i almost screamed ‘O B V I O U S L Y’ at him like an idiot
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I’m sorry but some days you come home and you just have to smoke weed and play Skyrim.
#i had to close today :/#closing is so much worse than opening#and my coworker talked about ai art for 20 mins :( I was mopping for my life :/#and our manager was like you’re always so serious you’re so quiet#and I’m like ahhhhhhhh#i don’t want to be here and I’m shy!!!!!#and literally I feel like I am constantly fucking everything up i am so stressed out. at that place#and again I cannot stress this enough. im shy#ugh it just got too close to the whole you’re scary/intimidating thing that makes me so upset#bc it’s just so unfair it is like so clear I am not a scary person#like it’s absolutely some weird combination of neurodivergent + visibly queer that makes people nervous and then they project that onto me!!#but I don’t WANT to be scary that’s like one of the last things I want to be frankly#anyway I know this is mostly me like just being a little Triggered Accidentally but also.#god I wish I could socialize normally#anyway yeah today was a lot and like#I’m kinda proud that the day can be a lot but instead of having a meltdown I’m just like ok. weed ice cream and fight dragons#not like the most grown up coping mechanism but could be worse
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ok personal venting in the tags time. giving u my TMI like stray kids said
#i literally cannot believe my psychiatrist had the fucking nerve#to tell me (WHILE i’m struggling !!!) that ‘we’re running out of options for you’#that’s so absurd to me !!! like i’ve been laughing about it because it’s so depressing that’s the only thing i can do#like ‘well i guess you’re just stuck like this good luck’ is basically what i got from that#and that was just a few hours after my therapist was basically like#‘yeah your problems are really big and you’re not well enough to even start addressing them so just deal i guess’#she didn’t say it like that but that’s how it felt#i feel so detached from everything now like none of this feels real#and everything feels pointless#tbh i’ve been much worse than this#i can handle it#i’m just so fucking tired man#but i have my fiance and my job that i like and my friends and kpop#so those things will sustain me#also…weed#she’s always there for me lmaooo#ok time to go on with my day i guess#annabelle talks
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Been wondering why my depression’s been kicking my ass even though I have more energy than usual and upon reflection it is, as usual, the lack of weed
#like yeah it makes me a bit more lethargic at a base level#and that’s pretty much a constant effect with my use#but holy shit I was not aware of just how effective self medicating has been#like I’m less lethargic now but everything else is just gone#I’ve been wondering why my depression used to feel like an emptiness instead of a sorrow#and the emptiness has been missing#but upon reflection and experimentation kush clearly just obliterates that emptiness for me and replaces it with real emotional capability#it doesn’t remove the depression but it removes that emptiness and oh my god that’s what’s kept me alive for seven years#that and a few good friends#they pair well#weed tag#I’ve been in a bad bad depressive spell lately and it’s helping me finally see how this works for me#I’ve run this cycle soo many times#the emptiness creeps back in and I makes me hopeless. i only get this bad when life hits rock bottom too so that hopelessness thrives#and the emptiness is filled by it and it alone#dependence on drugs is bad kids but killing yourself is worse 👍 I’ll do my shit my way thanks#DONT do hard drugs. that can actually be worse#but#if a phatty phat bowl of green takes me from crying in bed to dancing in the halls I’ll live that manic hellscape rather than fade any day
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#my depression is kicking my ASSSSSSSS the last couple days#ik it's cause I need a routine and need to stop consuming so much weed but yeah#im also going through a heartbreak right now so that isn't helping#i got rejected#sort of#rejected for a relationship#but not as a fuck buddy#and having fun#he's allllll about me being a fuck buddy#idk what's worse#17 years older than me and he wants a fuck buddy#I'm also really fucking irritable right now and idk if it's my withdrawal or my depression#im taking 30 days off from edibles i think my brain needs it#and my pocket#ugh#UGH#ik i'm going to feel better by the end of the week i just need to stay away from the green for a bit and also dating apps#(writing this i might be short on rent next month too)#if this isn't 27 idk what is
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I do not. Even like being drunk tbh
#like every time I get even a little bit drunk#I don’t even fucking like it#why did we do this in college like why. why#why was this The Thing#I have a very low tolerance like due to meds I’m on but still#like. why#it’s good for the socials but like#it’s not actually a pleasant sensation to me#being high is way better but#I’m also stuck with ‘Minnesota’ legal weed which is#somehow#less legal after we legalized weed than it was before we legalized it??#if I’d have known that us legalizing weed would completely eliminate our ‘diet weed’ options like.#fuck man#you can’t get even delta 8 anywhere#you can’t get anything vapable or smokeable#you’re limited to 5 mg gummies#that cost the same or more as 10 mg gummies anywhere else#and it’s delta 9 HEMP.#not weed#it gets you high but it’s NOT THE SAME#like.#things were better before#and it wasn’t supposed to take 2-3 years to get dispensaries going after going legal#like what is this#this is worse#this is so much worse#your only option is to grow your own#and there’s a significant cost to that#start up wise
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